The Free Land of Random Chaos

The Free Land of Random Chaos is a massive, orderly nation, renowned for its zero percent divorce rate, compulsory military service, and frequent executions. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless, devout population of 4.531 billion Random Chaosians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The enormous, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Industry, Law & Order, and Education. The average income tax rate is 92.4%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient Random Chaosian economy, worth a remarkable 1,084 trillion chips a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is an enormous, deeply entrenched, fairly diversified black market in Retail, Arms Manufacturing, Uranium Mining, and Woodchip Exports. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is an amazing 239,291 chips, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Kissing cousins produce the heartiest babies, supervisors in Random Chaos commonly tie bells on their necks to alert employees of their presence, prisoners have been known to host cooking and home décor television shows, and religion makes people horny. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to the all-pervasive police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Random Chaos's national animal is the gambler, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation.

Nation history

Following new legislation in random_chaos, religion makes people horny.

2022-11-08 04:00

Oh Dear

Shared videos and whispered rumours of a strange creature lurking in the woods near Random Chaos City have been going viral on the internet.

  1. “I heard this rascally rabid cryptid has cloven hooves, like a devil. It’s clearly a dangerous threat to Random Chaos and must be terminated!” exclaims Defence Secretary Elmo Thudd, adjusting the earflaps on his rabbit fur hunter’s hat. “If we allow this beast to continue roaming our land, it will surely lead to the death of hundreds! I say we deploy a couple of army battalions to hunt down and kill it before that happens!”
  2. “Whoa, whoa, let’s not be so hasty now!” pleads scientific researcher Reynard Moulder, whose T-shirt declares that he wants to believe. “Look, I agree that this leather-skinned beast cannot be allowed to roam Random Chaos, but instead of killing it, we should be looking to learn from its mysteries. I propose we use Kirlian cameras and dowsing to locate its mystic trail, then capture it for study.”
  3. “No way man, that’d be a blasphemy against nature!” yells New Age mystic and religious leader Jefferson Aeroglider. “I glimpsed this glorious creature and saw it had antlered horns, like Cernunnos or Naigamesha! Trying to capture the divine would be an insult against Gaia! We should just block off the forest where it lives and create a sanctified nature reserve where profane humanity is forbidden, save for the occasional religious rite or fertility ritual.” He waggles his eyebrows suggestively.
  4. “Kill it, experiment on it, worship it... Come on everyone, are we really this stupid?” asks unemployed TV personality Adam Fierce. “This so-called ‘new creature’ is obviously a hoax to troll people, or maybe some marketing gimmick to promote an upcoming movie. I mean, the quality of the videos is terrible! One so-called witness claimed that the beast couldn’t see him because he was dressed in orange. Does that sound like a real thing to you? What I propose we do is promote critical thinking, with a state-funded TV show centred around myth-busting. Why yes, I am available...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prisoners have been known to host cooking and home décor television shows.

2022-11-07 22:00

Food Behind Bars

After renowned food critic and criminal mastermind Hannibal Terwilliger published a book entitled Food Behind Bars: A Gourmet’s Journey through Random Chaos’s Prisons, a debate has sprung up over the quality of food served to prisoners.

  1. “This is ridiculous!” fumes single mother of three Khethiwe Wiggum, whose ex-partner is currently behind bars. “Here’s me struggling just to give my kids the basics, and he’s sitting in a nice warm cell with nothing to do all day but eat like a king! I say we stop this extravagance and redirect the funding into something more appropriate, like welfare for single parents. Prisoners should only be fed what they need to survive.”
  2. “Oh come now, there’s no need to treat us like animals for the sake of a few misdemeanours,” says Mr. Terwilliger via a satellite link from an undisclosed minimum security prison. “We prisoners have rights too, you know. Oh what a cruel world we would live in, if a man can’t chow down on cordon bleu just because he’s behind bars. Now warden, can I have some fava beans and a nice chianti delivered to my cell? I’m starving.”
  3. “Of course you have to feed prisoners, but what kind of food?” muses oblivious naturalist Elaine Drake while watering your plastic office plants. “It’s all these preservatives and cheap imported foods that have made these people violent in the first place! Why not establish prison farms and have inmates eat what they grow? Sure, it would tie up lots of fertile land, and there’s always the risk of an escape, but the benefits to society are worth it.”
  4. “If you’ve got many mouths to feed, and not enough food, then the solution is simple,” says Internment Facilitator Jiang Lewis, from the Chief Directorate of Camps. “Just reduce the number of mouths! Have your prison facilities in regions with sub-zero temperatures, leave the heating off, and by winter’s end the problems will have self-resolved.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, supervisors in Random Chaos commonly tie bells on their necks to alert employees of their presence.

2022-11-07 16:00

A Peeping Problem

Several of your aides were fired yesterday after the IT Department found pornography on their work computers. The former employees have fought back saying their privacy was violated and they should be restored to their positions.

  1. “Thank you so much for meeting with us, Leader!” greets Kusang Roosevelt, one of the aides fired for looking at pornography, while holding out his hand for a handshake. “Please give us our jobs back! Just because I’m lonelier than most shouldn’t be a reason to fire me. Look at my past performance reviews, I was a great worker who always got everything done ahead of schedule. Even if the computers are technically theirs, letting employers look into an employee’s browsing history is a creepy invasion of privacy anyway, the practice should be outlawed regardless.”
  2. Your IT technician peers over a computer monitor while performing routine maintenance on your computer: “Are these people nuts? If people want to watch pornography they should do so in the privacy of their own homes, not on employers’ computers. These employees violated your trust and therefore deserve to be punished. Your right to privacy ends when you start using your employers’ computers.”
  3. “Let me touch bases with you for some outside of the box thinking,” implores workplace coach Renee Abbott. “I think giving your workers less detrimental ways to deal with workplace stress could be a real game changer. We need to enable employees to work smarter, not harder. Some low hanging fruit to help resolve this problem could include letting workers set their own hours, adding bean-bag chairs to the office, heck, maybe even mandating slides be put in the break-room. You could even force these things to be implemented across Random Chaos, as I think they’ll work together in synergy to create a real win-win.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kissing cousins produce the heartiest babies.

2022-11-07 10:00

Intimate Relations

A panel of experts has traced the rising neonatal mortality rate to the growing prevalence of inbreeding.

  1. “I can’t see why you don’t just pass a law,” grumbles tired-looking midwife Harley Clason. “You could just ban all of these... relationships... between Random Chaosians closer than second cousins! How hard is that?”
  2. “The answer obviously lies in education, not law enforcement,” pontificates biology teacher Rosita Clason. “Science literacy in Random Chaos is through the floor, which explains why so many Random Chaosians don’t understand the dangers of inbreeding. We need more funding for science education so we can really tackle the root of the problem.”
  3. “Science can go one better than that!” pipes up geneticist Homer Clason, waggling his eyebrows at Rosita. “If we screen the embryos of those within a certain degree of consanguinity, we can eliminate all the serious health issues, like neural tube defects, congenital heart malformations and webbed feet. Then we can get with whoever we want!”
  4. “So I’ve designed this handy app,” says teenager Ami Clason, “Which lets you see how closely related you are to someone. Just bump your phones together — yes, like that, Leader. Huh, who would’ve known? If I can just get access to everyone’s data, I can ensure you don’t end up taking your aunt home after a night out. Because we’ve all been there.”
  5. “It’s no good ignoring the gambler in the room, Leader,” warns local mayor Emenike Clason. “It only takes one look at a slab-jawed Bigtopian or twelve-fingered Oogaboogalander to know where the problem lies — the primitive practices of immigrants. If these backwards savages won’t stop shacking up with their cousins, they shouldn’t be allowed in.”
  6. “Maybe the reason inbreeding’s on the rise is that none of these Random Chaosians can GO anywhere,” chimes in Maxtopia-based car enthusiast Kelly Clason. “Without personal transportation, most of these people will die within a few miles of where they were born. What’s THAT doing for the gene pool? I bet the inbreeding problem would go away in a generation if only cars were made legal.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the cold war against capitalism is growing chillier by the day.

2022-11-07 04:00

Second World Problems

The ongoing ideological struggle between capitalist and communist nations shows no sign of letting up. At a meeting of ‘second world’ nations, opinions vary on how international socialism can be best achieved. The Party has asked you to put your weight behind one of the more popular approaches.

  1. “We’re surrounded by a hostile camp of capitalist powers,” lectures the borderline paranoid Avery Amin after preemptively surrounding her lectern with concertina wire. “The only logical solution is building a bastion of socialism impervious to any and all foreign aggression. Leader, with closed borders and an ever-increasing military budget, we will finally be safe from imperialist encirclement.”
  2. “Come join the bloc party!” enthuses Hayao Garak while handing out BBQ to everyone in attendance. “We need to form a Solidarity Pact, committing our nations to mutual defense and strategic cooperation. By sharing administrative functions and industrial investment, we can create a group of communist countries with steadily increasing living standards, and isn’t that what socialism’s all about? Who wants a kebab?”
  3. “We have a duty to publicize the wonders of socialism,” preaches socialist realist Marjorie McKay while coloring in propaganda posters with a red felt-tip pen. “People suffering under the dictatorship of the bourgeoisie need to know that true happiness, by which I mean their class interests, lies with the worldwide proletarian movement. After all, winning the battle of ideas is far more important than getting stuck in another arms race.”
  4. “Hmmm, sorry what? I wasn’t listening,” says a rotund Party member with an expensive watch and the latest media tablet. “Perhaps we can get some sort of compromise between the economic benefits of private industry, alongside our ongoing socialist program. I mean, have you seen some of the cool stuff coming out of those capitalist countries?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the space program has been reduced to Leader's nephew playing with a cardboard space shuttle.

2022-11-06 22:00

Space Is Big Enough for the Both of Us

In a shocking turn of events, the normally secretive East Lebatuck government proposed working with multiple space programs. They have offered to work with the Random Chaosian Space Agency to create a jointly-operated space station, called the Multinational Space Station, or MSS. The scientific community has concluded that a space station would be utterly cool and might even provide the Random Chaosian Space Agency with valuable scientific data, but some are concerned about working with East Lebatuck.

  1. “Comrade Leader, there is no reason for any mistrust between us,” comments Ashley Medina, the East Lebatuckese representative, while discreetly placing a listening device under a pot plant. “Our proposal would launch Random Chaos’s space program to new heights while setting a glorious example of friendship between our two great Motherlands. We’re ready to launch the ‘Spyonya’ module, so just hurry up and agree to build the station already.”
  2. “A jointly-operated space station might be one small step for international cooperation, but our own space station would be a giant leap for Random Chaosiankind,” declares hero astronaut Hum Legstrong, who has arrived wearing a space suit for reasons you cannot fathom. “All we need to do is repurpose some leftover parts from the last few spaceship programs. Fuel tank? Bam, crew quarters! Spy Satellite? Bam, space telescope! We’ll get all the sciencey goodness for a low, low price, and we won’t have to trust those shady East Lebatuckese.”
  3. “A space station? Really?” remarks Ferdinand Stevens, an unpopular and rather frugal politician, nibbling at a homemade peanut butter sandwich. “Those nerds may act satisfied, but they’ll just be begging for more funding next week. Take a page from Maxtopia’s book and slash the Random Chaosian Space Agency’s budget. We might get less of that ‘science’ stuff, but who cares? No one, because they’ll be too busy enjoying the tax cut. It’s not like space is going anywhere.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bronze and marble supplies are running low as sculptors depict full-figured subjects.

2022-11-06 16:00

Thin Skin

Popular fashion magazine Astropolitan has recently been criticized for heavy-handed use of photo-editing software to make their models appear slimmer, smoother-skinned and paler. A riot of fashionistas and equality advocates have sashayed and stumbled into your office to debate the issue.

  1. “Photograph enhancement is nothing new, darling,” slurs renowned fashion designer Carla Largerfield. “For my creations to look as gorgeous as possible, we need to make our models look as gorgeous as possible! If that means adjusting them down in post, then that’s what we do. We’re selling a dream of something better, not tawdry reality. What right does the government have to dictate how we edit our magazines? Besides, it’s not like we’re hurting anyone.”
  2. “Not hurting anyone, she says! LIES!” screams social worker Tanya Kim. “Young girls across Random Chaos read her magazines and think they need to conform to the faked physiques they see. Let’s not even talk about the implicit racism in deliberately whitening skin tones! I implore you, make photographic enhancement of models illegal, for the sake of the children!”
  3. “Simply banning photo-editing is insufficient,” proclaims plus-sized pop star Megan Plimsoll. “It’s abhorrent that only tall, slim women are considered for modelling jobs when the styles will be sold to women of all shapes and sizes. I suggest a government mandate declaring that fashion designers must fairly represent women of every size on their catwalks and in their photoshoots. Only then can we start to fight inequality in the fashion industry.”
  4. Your Minister for Friendly Solutions, Brenda Rivera, suggests an alternative solution: “How about instead of setting quotas or inflicting bans, we try and change society. Let art bring forth a candle. A big fat tallow candle. I suggest you tax the fashionistas and use that money to subsidize artists who are making positive depictions of the plus sized: a big-boned bronze statue here, a Rubenesque nude there. Denounce commercial culture, and promote fine art of the fat!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the words 'private' and 'enterprise' must never appear in the same sentence.

2022-11-06 10:00

A Capital Idea

A crowd of impoverished ex-businessmen have amassed in Random Chaos City, demanding that the government return nationalised industries to private control.

  1. “GREED IS GOOD!” bellows Cortana vonBismarck, a famous advocate of capitalism. “The economy is stagnating terribly under government control. Complete privatisation is the only option here. It’s time to give power back to the people! Well, rich people, anyway...”
  2. “This is outrageous!” cries armchair revolutionary Idris Croft. “The government must maintain the principles of equality and socialism that we fought so hard for, and not sell the country to corrupt and greedy corporations. We must eject these shameful capitalists from our great nation at once!”
  3. “Hey, aren’t we all being a little extreme about this?” says noted economist, Michelle Kim. “Surely we could just keep the key industries, such as the electricity and water supplies, under government control and lessen the regulations on the others so they could function more independently? That way, the people can’t complain that they are at the mercy of big business, and industries such as retail can function more effectively.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, popular websites like NationStates are blocked for "national security".

2022-11-06 04:00

Wiki Worries

State department officials are in an uproar over the leaking of key government cables by the website WikiSpills. The site’s owner, under the nom de plume “El Denunciante,” is operating from an anonymous location in neighboring Bigtopia, where the government can’t reach him. Random Chaos’s leaders are sharply divided on how to respond.

  1. “This man has done no wrong!” says Jamal Cullen, who also happens to be the head writer of The Random Chaos City Times Magazine. “The people have a right to transparency of government. El Denunciante is a hero who has revolutionized my magazine sale - er -Freedom of Speech for this country. No state action must be committed that would infringe upon our right to disclose government information, regardless of the effects on diplomatic relations. Besides, it isn’t as though you’ve got anything to hide... do you?”
  2. “El Denunciante is a terrorist and has committed treason,” argues reactionary talk radio host Moana King. “The fact is, he has consistently presented an anti-Random Chaos agenda, and people like him need to be stopped from propagandizing their filth. What we need is to block this website and any others which threaten the security of this great nation. Like those opposition party blogs that keep popping up! I mean, what use is personal freedom if you don’t have security and peace of mind?”
  3. “This seems like a lot of needless work, if you ask me,” says Westley, your brother-in-law, while enjoying a foul-smelling beverage in your office. “Why should the people get to discuss you and your government anyway? Seems to me things would be much easier if you just told them what their opinion was and blocked out all others. After all, who knows what’s best for them better than you, am I right? Cheers!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids these days know how to throw a proper punch.

2022-11-05 22:00

Ring of Death

Rival WhoTube celebrities PooDiePoo and Ethan Wrong recently decided to duke it out in the boxing ring as a crass publicity stunt to promote a new videogame. They fought without receiving any prior training, and tragically, a stray punch to PooDiePoo’s temple led to a fatal intracerebral haemorrhage.

  1. “How could I have known this would happen?” vlogs Ethan Wrong, wiping a carefully choreographed tear from his cheek. “All we wanted to do was entertain our subscribers and get more clicks! I definitely didn’t intend to injure him, at least not to such an extent. Hey, Leader, if you publicly follow my Featured WhoTuber Channel, it’ll show the nation that you understand where us kids are coming from.”
  2. “How dare you!” shrieks an ardent fan of the deceased PooDiePoo, clenching his fists in rage. “You killed him because he was in direct competition with your channel! You shouldn’t be able to get away with murder so easily. Deliberate injuries should be prosecuted, inside or outside of the boxing ring.”
  3. “Hold on!” pleads former pro-boxer Eobard Caesar, still twitching a little from a past head injury. “People love boxing matches, and you can’t stop the noble art of pugigis... paloogilis... uh... fighting. It should just be professionals though, so that accidents won’t happen again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nobody ever seems to enter or leave the armour-plated flying castle that serves as the seat of government.

2022-11-05 16:00

Leader Assassinated... Almost

As you very well know, a stranger with a pistol made an attempt on your life but moments ago while you were out on your lunch break. An emergency meeting has been called right here in the middle of the street after the would-be assassin disappeared over a nearby grassy knoll.

  1. “Oh dear! Oh dearie me, that was so rude!” coos your personal assistant, adjusting your tie. “You’ll just have to prove to the citizens of Random Chaos that you are a good and benevolent leader, and don’t deserve to be brutally shot in the head! The only way to keep you safe is to make the public like you! Do something nice for them! Might I suggest a nice tax cut?”
  2. “What makes you think it’s a member of the general public behind this?” asks your Head of Security, Stefanie Mendeleev. “It’s more likely to be the work of some underground separatist group trying to remove you from power! We’ve let them have their protests and their rallies and their free speech, and now they’ve taken it to the next level! We should be cracking down on this insolence instead of rewarding it! Show the people what happens to those who dare to question your authority. You’ve got to remind them that you, Leader, are their Lord and Master!”
  3. “Whoa there! Let’s not be too hasty, bruv!” says law-abiding citizen, Barbie Stewart, casually walking up to you and flinging an arm around your shoulder. “This sort of thing wouldn’t be a problem at all if you just beefed up your personal security a bit. You could hire a few extra bodyguards and get yourself a shiny new armoured car! Nobody could touch you!”
  4. “Hah! Like that will work!” snorts Gabriel Bush, Minister of Waste Disposal and Sanitation. “They’ll just come after the rest of us and destroy the government from the bottom up! No, we need to go even further - reinforce the Parliament! We’ll turn Random Chaos City into an impenetrable fortress! Robot bodyguards, food tasters... no expense should be spared! We should all do our jobs through a complex network of computers so we never have to leave the safety of our offices again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, careless Maxémon Trainers have been the cause of numerous search and rescue operations.

2022-11-05 10:00

Augmented Reality Check

Following the release of hit mobile game Maxémon Woah, which requires players to walk around in order to find mythical creatures, many of Random Chaos’s pedestrians have been hit by unseen vehicles in an effort to snatch ‘em all.

  1. “These are needless tragedies!” complains your concerned Public Safety Minister, angrily smacking your phone out of your hands, and denying you the ultra-rare Lenyutwo you were about to snatch. “Hundreds of people have already been hurt and we had our first death just last week, all just to get some virtual monster thing! I won’t begin to get into all the trespassing charges that have been filed!” She continues her tirade as you pick up your phone and manage to snatch a Slowbrophyllia Raticalia. “This game is a disaster waiting to happen! At the very least, prohibit the use of the game within urban areas.”
  2. “Not even then are we truly safe!” preaches Inigo Magellan, a belligerent religious leader who previously accused you of colluding with demons. “That ‘game’ is nothing short of the work of the damned, what with the conjuring of cyber demons in our beautiful nation! Have you even looked at a Sedgetoise? It’s clearly modeled after the devil, and the Amorlax represents a forbidden depiction of the archangel! Did you know that you have to evolve them? In the name of all that is holy, forbid this Maxey-Pokey-Heresy!”
  3. “Ah, the game is just some harmless fun,” retorts Miley Sims, the director of the Barrysonian Museum of Political History. “Ever since we started advertising as a Maxéstop, we’ve had record attendance. Our visitors have been putting aside their differences to catch their Gnejgars, Sleepypuffs, and Clefrissies. In fact, we really ought to be using this game to get people interested in politics and history again. Start putting Maxéstops and Maxégyms at archives, museums, and educational centers. Maxémon will bring everyone together, provided you’re on Team Insightful of course.”
  4. Out of the corner of your eye, a teenager wearing a bright red tracksuit and visor climbs in through your window. “Absolutely we should encourage people to play, and make sure it’s safe for...wait a second...” He swipes his phone, not having looked up since he entered. “Sorry about that. I’m Dash Snatchum, and in order to be the very best, I gotta divert all of my attention! You should just make a whole lot more stop signs and streetlights so we can get to those Noqorans and Charchivemanders faster! After all, you gotta snatch ‘em all!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign nations kill migratory animals at random in the hope that Random Chaos will pay them to stop.

2022-11-05 04:30

Songbirds’ Decline Ruffles Feathers

Biologists and birding enthusiasts alike are squawking over the recent yearly declines in the numbers of many migratory songbird species, particularly the Random Chaosian Breegull. After some study, the unifying factor in the species experiencing decline is that their migratory paths take them over Tasmania. Coincidentally, Tasmania is known to consider migratory songbirds a delicacy. Your cabinet has convened to discuss the matter.

  1. “Those Tasmanians must be taught a lesson!” screeches Yasuyuki Capulet, your hawkish Minister of Defense, who has never found a war he didn’t like. “If Tasmania’s utter contempt for environmental stewardship, and our nation’s well-known love of bats...” He pauses as an aide taps him on the shoulder and whispers in his ear. He continues: “...and our nation’s well-known love of songbirds doesn’t convince you, what will? Perhaps troop escorts for those precious butterflies through Tasmania might work. And if someone tries to so much as lay a hand on one of those flying fish, then we’ll blow ‘em back to the stone age!”
  2. “I’d like to suggest another approach,” coos Chris Holst, your more dovish Environment Minister. “Clearly we value songbirds alive and uneaten, and Tasmania does not. We just need to make Tasmania value songbirds as much as we do. What if we estimated the relevant migratory songbird population each year and paid Tasmania a small amount of chips for each migratory bird that makes it here? Peaceful and fair.”
  3. “How about none of that?” clucks Holly Pelosi, your eagle-eyed Finance Minister, while poring over a report on government revenue collected through coins tossed in wishing fountains. “We can’t keep frivolously throwing our citizens’ hard-earned tax chips at every little problem. They’re just some dumb birds - let’s just leave the government out of things for once! In fact, with less songbirds we can surely cut back our budget for parks a bit?”
  4. “What if we trained the birds to stop migrating?” warbles the somewhat unhinged bird fancier known as ‘The Bird Lady’, seen wearing a giant bird costume, and whose number you’ve been meaning to give to ‘Doctor Bees’. “I love it here, and migratory songbirds should too! All we have to do is get baby birds to imprint on government handlers, and then teach the birds to fly around Random Chaos in circles. Then we’ll be able to keep them to ourselves, protect them, and give the birds the love they need all year round. It’ll be a lark!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nerds everywhere are rejoicing as they are reunited with their computers.

2022-11-04 22:00

Mice in the Walls

After a police raid discovered an entire load of smuggled peripheral devices and computer components hidden in the plasterboard walls of an abandoned warehouse, various groups have demanded to repeal the ban of computers.

  1. “When you outlawed computers you didn’t realise what you were doing!” argues Karl Dovey, hugging an illegal laptop protectively. “These are essential machines for business! For communication! For culture! For internet po... posterity! If you’ve got any sense you’ll repeal this ridiculous ban.”
  2. “Pfft, citizens with computers indeed,” says Palutena Levi, your Minister of Records, while riffling through a cetacean-sized pile of paperwork and ringing phones. “What a preposterous idea. But as Random Chaos grows, so do our problems. There is too much data to record, too many records to keep, and too many keeps to earn. We need to allow the government - and only the government - access to computers.”
  3. “Well, I suppose we could allow some leeway,” says Winston Schmidt, your Minister of Proper Thinking. “Computers are handy for some things after all. But we should ban the internet outright - it’ll only give them ideas.”
  4. “Don’t you remember why we got rid of those devil machines in the first place?!” growls Cleveland Baker, flicking beads on an abacus. “First it’s all fun and games with things like ‘pixels’ and ‘folders’ but eventually they’ll rise up against their masters and reduce us to slaves! Banning computers was a good start, but it’s time we focused on eradicating all automated technology and focus on the handcrafts like basket weaving and carpentry.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, birds and children's kites are regularly brought down by anti-aircraft fire.

2022-11-04 16:00

Close Encounters of the Sci-Fi Kind?

A recent, well-publicized UFO sighting over rural areas of Random Chaos has turned people’s attention to the skies, and what... or who... might be up there.

  1. “This event proves one thing: there are other life-forms out there,” says eccentric astronomer Charlotte Campbell, “All we have to do is find them! What is the price of a few hundred radio telescopes compared to the benefit of living in peace and harmony with our brethren of the stars?”
  2. “Spies! It’s gotta be spies! A few planes or satellites from our enemies or ‘allies’ in our region,” rages General Haymitch Ho, head of Random Chaos’s military, “The only way to keep those snoops out of our airspace is to patrol the streets ‘n skies, and shoot ‘em down! Even if they are some sort of little green aliens, a couple of SAM batteries and a few flak cannons’ll keep ‘em from abducting our gamblers.”
  3. “Extraterrestrial life-forms? Alien invaders? I don’t know why we even have to listen to such idiocy!” complains prize-winning physicist Marjorie Payne. “In my opinion, the idea of ‘aliens’ on another planet is highly unlikely, and even if they did exist, getting from there to here is technically impossible! I say we forget this nonsense and stop spending our tax chips on it. Leave this sort of foolishness to the people who attend those ‘trekkie’ conventions.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, workers' complaints never reach central planning.

2022-11-04 10:00

The Bear Necessities

“Planning for the People,” a popular new movement, has been holding protests all over the country after a recent crisis where the Economic Planning Committee accidentally sent 10 tonnes of teddy bears to a small town in dire need of wheat.

  1. “This has gone on long enough!” shouts the leader of the protest, Othello Boothroyd. “While I am a patriot of our glorious Free Land, things are far from perfect. No-one wants to return our economy to capitalist exploitation, but something must be done about the bureaucratic mess that our country is in! Comrades, instead of centralized planning, we can have a democratically-controlled regionally-devolved economy! Finally we can achieve the socialist dream of workers’ power!”
  2. “This is utter madness!” seethes Vanna Hansen, one of your most trusted economic planners. “The country would be in ruins without our central planning! Who ensures that everything runs smoothly? Sure we mess up sometimes, but hey, we are only human. Besides, we intended to send that town teddy bears. Hmm... yeah, we did intend it! Those teddy bears are edible, you know?”
  3. “More socialism? Have you all gone mad?” fumes foreign uranium mining tycoon Cassandra Nygma, whose face is now turning blue with rage. “Violet save me! Your government has no business telling people like me how to run OUR businesses! The only real way to rebuild your anemic economy is to bring back capitalism. Some free market shock therapy would do Random Chaos wonders.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, troublemakers just happen to be reassigned to distant mining operations.

2022-11-04 04:00

A Family Affair

After a recent initiative to plant vast farms of avocados in the tundra of Northern Random Chaos proved to be a massive failure, people have begun questioning the wisdom and competence of the highly influential Organization for Unilaterally Researching Science, Trade, Agriculture, Land, Investments and Nationalization. Functionaries from all levels of the Party have lined up outside your office, demanding action.

  1. “Decline!” roars Kim, Vanguard of the Proletariat, your sister, and overzealous People’s Commissar of Enlightenment. “For years we have seen the former glory of higher education sink into an abyss of depravity, idiocy and inefficiency. We must promptly act, before the stains of nepotism and petit bourgeois decadence seep out of the faculty chamber and corrupt every inch of the Party! Purge the incompetents and install only the truest of experts on the council. I would be willing to lead the campaign to bring the means of production and research closer together, for the sake of the Free Land, of course.”
  2. “Please don’t listen to auntie; you know what she’s like with her demagoguery,” sighs Kim, leading agricultural researcher and also your nephew. “I’ll grant you that the arctic avocados weren’t my best idea, and Nikita’s fixation with corn farming didn’t pan out. However, I’m sure things will get better eventually, and you shouldn’t punish creative solutions and youthful enthusiasm! Leave us be, and send auntie and the rest of the revisionists for a standard session of re-proletarianization at the mining operations.”
  3. “Typical. The nomenklatura are unable to see beyond the existing state of things,” says Kim, a high ranking Party official that, in a surprising turn of events, has no family connection to you whatsoever. “To advance to the next Historical stage, we must abolish the counter-revolutionary family ties that cloud our judgments and breed corruption. We’ll set up mating programs to ensure a healthy flow of offspring and raise all developing Random Chaosians as wards of the state. Sure, it doesn’t really solve the avocado dilemma, and it might be a tad expensive and complicated to administer, but I’m sure it’ll completely eliminate our corruption problem in the long run. Or increase it. Well, there’s only one surefire way to find out.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all major public areas are watched by police surveillance cameras.

2022-11-03 22:00

Police Consider “Big Brother” Anti-Crime System

The Police department is considering installing surveillance cameras in all major public areas, in an effort to crack down on crime.

  1. “This is a blatant invasion of the right to privacy!” says libertarian web site operator Tina Atwood. “Now I can’t even go out in public any more without being watched? And you know this is just the beginning. Today there are cameras in city streets. Tomorrow they’re peering through your bedroom window.”
  2. “Hey, I’ve got news for you,” says Police media liaison Carmen Gillard. “When you’re out in public, PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU. These cameras will be extremely helpful in reducing the national crime rate. Frankly, I can’t see what the fuss is about.”
  3. “This ‘slippery slope’ argument has got me thinking,” says Police Minister Hamlet Miller. “You know, it would be a lot easier to fight crime if we watched people all the time. Not with cameras, of course. That’s clearly an invasion of privacy. But how about a national database of our citizens, coupled with compulsory ID cards and barcoding? It would stop crime dead in its tracks.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government builds houses for foreign newcomers.

2022-11-03 16:00

Home Hunger

The quality of your meals has been quite lackluster lately. After some digging, it has been found that Ami Barber, an immigrant chef in your household, no longer has access to ingredients from her home country, or any other country for that matter, thus depriving the Random Chaosian palate of the tasty wonders of world cuisine.

  1. “It’s such a shame we can’t import anything from back home due to the autarky policy,” sighs your Maxtopian chef, Ami Barber. “There is so much good stuff I can’t have nowadays. Like Snötballs, Barrybarf, and oh, what I wouldn’t give to have me some good roasted Maxtopian pecans again! Can you please allow us to order little things from abroad? I’d love to get a taste of home again, and I’m sure you’ll love it too.”
  2. “It’s a pity our foreign residents aren’t satisfied with our delicious, homegrown food,” remarks native Random Chaosian Master Chef Emil Golightly. “I must admit, when the autarky policy was first introduced, it was hard for me to source all of the best ingredients, but I soon figured out how to make do with what we have in Random Chaos. You should fund some classes for the population teaching them how to cook with less. There are many appetizing dishes one can make with only Random Chaosian cabbage.”
  3. “Nein, ve must be able to accurately produce diese delectable foreign foods,” insists diminutive scientist Plänk Ton, poking an illegally imported hamburger in a vain attempt to discover its secret formula. “Ve must gather all ze ingredients unattainable in Random Chaos from abroad so zat ve can grow dem hier in die Motherland. Zees von-time acqvisitions vill help us continue ze autarky. For exemple, die maxxberries required for zis sauce could be grown hier... in a greenhouse specifically tailored to match ze East Lebatuck climate! Ja?”
  4. “If they miss their native cuisine so much, then why don’t they just go home?” an old man complains. “We don’t need any of their foreign muck which I bet tastes awful anyway! Importing food was a massive security risk, and now I think so is importing people. Send them all back to whatever war-torn hellhole they came from, and keep the doors shut!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, visitors to the famed rainforests are instead taken to vast furniture factories.

2022-11-03 10:00

“Tourism Tanking!” Trumpet Tabloids

Following a public safety disaster of unimaginable magnitude - so extreme that members of your government only mention it in hushed voices, and then only in the vaguest of terms - the Random Chaosian tourist industry has hit the rocks. Commentators from all walks of life have come to your office to offer their opinions.

  1. “The government has to step in and do something, for once!” demands tour operator Vera McKinnon, visibly pulling her hair out. “If we’d had proper railings on the marina, that shark would never have gotten into the oil refinery in the first place! The government has to put better regulations in place to make sure disasters of this kind never happen again. And if we want to coax back the tourists we’ve lost, we need a whole bunch of new state-subsidised hotels, parks and tourist attractions. Shark-proof ones. Our economy will never survive without it!”
  2. “Why waste more money?” grumbles middle-aged industrialist Bongani Steele, chomping on a fat cigar. “Look. I’m as sorry as the next schmuck for those poor farmers’ ant epidemic. But we’ve got to realise that tourism is just not our strong suit; and that’s not going to change, no matter how much the state spends. Hell, if the government really wanted to do something to fix our economy, it’d be to give everyone a healthy tax-cut and get rid of some of that environmental legislation - set up for the benefit of a bunch of tree-hugging foreigners, I might add.”
  3. “I think I’ve got another solution to this problem,” says your shadiest government advisor, waving a magazine spread of bathing beauties sunning themselves at the Random Chaos City Grand Regent. “Now we’re not goin’ to be able to hide the fact that Random Chaos City is now covered in pink frosting, but... what if the inspectors an’ tour guides an’ all those types of folks just didn’t notice all that mess? After all, we don’t have the money to clear it all up, but I think we do have just about enough to dangle a few chips in front of anyone who wants to give our nation a good review. After all, a few firm golden handshakes never hurt no-one.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, snooze factory is now prison lingo for rehabilitation center.

2022-11-03 04:00

Cruel or Unusual?

A small town judge has garnered national attention after sentencing a serial litterer to sit, in lieu of jail time, in a garbage can and hand out apology flyers to locals. Legal experts and concerned citizens have come to offer their unsolicited take on whether or not Random Chaos should embrace unorthodox punishments for petty criminals.

  1. “The government needs to stop telling me how to do my job,” states the judge while banging his gavel against your desk. “Sending someone off to the big house merely trains them to be a better criminal! I merely seek to embarrass them or make them do a bit of community service. Like that kid who was spray painting trains; I had him do a mural for the Eastern Random Chaos Art Museum, and now he’s blossomed into quite the artist. You should encourage us to use our judgement to find fitting, albeit unconventional, punishments for our criminals.”
  2. “I agree that punishments should be determined on a case-by-case basis, but this is hardly even a slap on the wrist!” grumbles Lexi Talia Onassis, an officer who is currently suspended for using excessive force. “If you want to see crime stop dead in its tracks, you need to enable the police to do to criminals what they have done to others without the hassle of the court system. If someone burns down a house, we burn down theirs! If someone commits murder, we murder them! If someone takes drugs, we... uh...” She trails off. “Anyway, we’ll need some more funding for our officers. Things might get messy out there.”
  3. “Do you think it’s wise to put the rehabilitation of our nation’s minor offenders in the hands of a judge, or an officer for that matter?” questions Arnold Wessex, a well-respected advisor in the Justice Department, as he opens a dozen manilla folders, spilling their contents across your desk. “If we were to open educational rehabilitation clinics in our cities, operated by my Department and overseen by psychological experts, we could design a comprehensive system to stamp out repeat offenses. All it takes is a little funding, but just imagine the informational seminars, four-hour documentaries, even guest speakers from the Retirement Community of Former Felons!”
  4. “Do the crime, pay the time,” replies a more orthodox judge with a shrug, trudging in after a sixteen-hour hearing. “Everybody wants a creative solution to our crime problem, but all you’re doing is putting a burden on our legal professionals. Our primary responsibility is to determine guilt or innocence, and consistent rules for sentencing should be in place for reasons of fairness to the convicted. I suggest we have a fixed-term jail sentence for each crime, regardless of the circumstance. We’ll save ourselves a lot of time, and it will eliminate any bias in the severity of punishments.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mining safety laws are often more expensive than what's being mined.

2022-11-02 23:30

Mine Collapse Rocks Random Chaos

A mine has collapsed in Random Chaos burying hundreds of workers. Calls have been made by the families to tighten up mining safety laws.

  1. “We need tighter laws to protect vulnerable miners!” moans Jadzia Dahl, a family member of one of the victims. “The mines are being propped up by twigs, the hard hats might as well be made of polystyrene, and the inspectors are all bribed! New laws must be made and the people responsible for allowing this to happen brought to justice.”
  2. “These allegations are ludicrous and unfounded,” says South Random Chaos Regional Director of Mining Murat Kringle. “We use the finest twigs to build our mines and the last thing we need is workers who do not trust in our commitment to the greater good. More safety laws means more expense means a diminished state treasury and a diminished treasury means you will soon be running out of funds. You should leave us alone before you destroy the finely balanced economy of Random Chaos’s glorious communist society - do you really want that on your conscience?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation has opened its arms to an influx of refugees.

2022-11-02 16:00

Refugees Want to Call Random Chaos Home

After several bloody conflicts in nearby regions, a stream of asylum-seekers and refugees has been spotted heading for Random Chaos’s shores.

  1. “Some of these people have endured terrible hardships to reach our borders,” says International Red Cross spokesperson Kathryn Svensson. “We must welcome these unfortunates with open arms. Let the world see that Random Chaos does not turn its back on those in need!”
  2. “These grasping freeloaders will swamp our culture and traditions!” argues talk-radio host Othello Carpenter. “First they want welfare, next thing you know they’re taking our jobs — and you know they won’t bother to learn our language. I say charity begins at home — and this isn’t their home. This is the world’s problem, not ours.”
  3. Economics Professor Vanna Hopkins offers an alternative. “There is no question that we have to help those who reach out to us in their darkest hour. But on the other hand, we cannot help everybody. So let’s just take the ones who are willing to keep our streets clean and our drains flowing in return for a subsistence wage.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military strategists are questioning the wisdom of subsidizing the economies of sworn enemies.

2022-11-02 10:00

A “Friend” in Need

The aggressive nation of Blackacre has been struck with a series of massive natural disasters that have killed tens of thousands and destroyed sanitation, transit, and economic infrastructure, with the likely consequence of great suffering for millions in the coming months. This has presented you with the moral quandary of whether or not you should come to the aid of a nation that has frequently declared its hatred for Random Chaos and the Random Chaosian way of life.

  1. “Well, it serves them darn well right!” shouts your infuriated Minister of Defense, furiously kicking your expensive imported mahogany desk and sending your papers flying. “An eye for an eye, I say! They insulted us multiple times, and they got what they deserved. As a matter of fact, now is the perfect time to truly pay them back for their slander of our great nation! They want aid? How about we aid them by sending some missiles aimed right at their capital? That’ll show them!”
  2. “Not that I don’t agree with Mr. Compassionate over here, but that particular method only seems to stir up unwanted trouble,” notes Agnes Hackett, Random Chaos’s top chess master and military strategist. “Frankly, there’s a much better way of making our point without causing so much international outcry. Why not provide them aid, but so much of it that they become dependent on us for survival? Flood them with food, but do nothing to help their farmers. Supply them with power, but don’t build power infrastructure. Then, when they’ve lost any capacity to support themselves, start charging them! We can look good internationally while secretly waging war against their economy.”
  3. “It’s just too much effort these days to try to take over another country,” sighs Doménikos Neumann, former soldier and current aide to the Minister of Foreign Affairs. “For that matter, it’s too much effort to even provide aid when we have so much to focus on here. Crime, poverty, resources, and all that. It’s a shame what’s happened, but we aren’t the only nation in the world. Let’s cut all aid. There’s probably some other nation that’ll be foolish enough to help them out, anyway.”
  4. “Regardless of what Blackacre’s government’s actions have been in the past, there are millions of innocent civilians who are going to be harmed or even killed,” suggests your secretary while cleaning the mess of papers off your desk. “How would you feel if you were homeless and hungry, and others turned a blind eye? This is a humanitarian disaster. We need to send aid and do whatever we can to help. Helping them is the moral thing to do, and that’s all there is to it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prisoners due for execution often use their final statement to complain about soggy bread rolls.

2022-11-02 04:00

A Meal to Die For

The execution of convicted double-murderer Xerxes Ephron was carried out yesterday. The killer had no final statement, but in a spiteful act of defiance, ate mere morsels of his last meal - a six-course feast, which he had specifically requested just days prior. Concerned with the fact that over 8,000 calories were provided to a dead-man-walking, and most of it ended up in the trash, many are calling for the condemned-row tradition of the “last meal” to be put to death.

  1. “We need to remember the victims!” exclaims Cooper MacDonald, director of one of the largest victims’ rights organizations in Random Chaos. “Did that killer ever give his victims a chance to eat a last meal? Absolutely not. Should Random Chaos allow the worst-of-the-worst to select comfort foods before their dates with death? Absolutely not. They deserve as much kindness and mercy as they gave to their victims - absolutely none! Do away with this so-called tradition! Let them eat whatever the prison is serving the general population on the given day of their execution.”
  2. “People on death row are still people,” explains death row exoneree Isabelle Simpson. “I know from first-hand experience that the condemned might not be the best people around, but they still should be afforded the dignity of a proper last meal. Why deny them one final comfort before they meet their end?”
  3. “So let me get this straight: this bleeding-heart liberal thinks we should literally cater to convicted murderers?” questions notorious former prison warden Montezuma Berenstain. “These ‘people’, if they can still be referred to as such, deserve nothing but to quietly bide their time until they are put to death. In fact, forget last meals, these scum don’t deserve the meals they already receive! After all, we shouldn’t waste any food on death row trash, and if anyone deserves to be taught a lesson, it’s them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the poor are often seen pale and dizzy after selling their blood to make ends meet.

2022-11-01 22:00

Blood Banks Running Dry

A violent and rather messy stampede of gamblers during a parade in your honour has brought widespread media attention to the shortage of blood, plasma and platelet donors in Random Chaos.

  1. “Blood donation should be compulsory!” argues Bella Fitzgerald, a spokesperson for the Random Chaos Blood Donors’ Association. “We can’t expect citizens to come flocking to donate blood just out of the goodness of their hearts, so the government should take the matter into its own hands. If we could maybe require healthy citizens to... let’s say... donate blood every three months, we wouldn’t have such a problem with shortages. It’ll require more funding to organise and carry out, yes, but your people are worth it, aren’t they?”
  2. “Don’t listen to that pawn of Satan!” preaches Gehn May, one of a few Jehovah’s Witnesses willing to offer you any political opinion other than deliberate neutrality. “It isn’t up to us to decide what should be done: it’s clear in Scripture that blood transfusion is forbidden! I’d rather die clean and have a chance at eternal life, thank you very much! We must heed the Bible, and ban blood donations now! Of course some people will die, but they will be gifted with salvation for obeying His word.”
  3. “You’re kidding, right?” burbles anaemic patient Leia Snape from a hospital bed. “I’m not going to let some closed-minded priest tell me what I can and can’t do with my blood! But I don’t think people should be forced to give blood; they just need incentive, that’s all. Like money. Trust me, any kind of ‘Chips For Blood’ scheme will have them almost begging to donate. It’s the only humane way to ensure that people like me are getting the care we need. If you’re worried about funding just get it from those religious nuts... they’re not helping anyone with it.”
  4. “I have an even better idea,” says Roger Bourdain, a prison officer. “How about we force every healthy prisoner to donate blood? It’s about time they gave back to society what they’ve taken away in the first place. If we do this we won’t have to beg the law-abiding citizens of Random Chaos to take time out of their day to give blood. It’s not like these thugs are really doing anything for us, so missing a pint or three won’t matter, am I right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, police officers have been re-kitted with designer uniforms and gold-plated handcuffs.

2022-11-01 16:00

Death Penalty on Death Row?

After new DNA evidence has proven that recently executed inmate Harriet Hansen was actually innocent, human rights activists have been campaigning to ban the death penalty.

  1. “This is government-sanctioned murder!” chants Mako Nygma, a human rights activist, from outside your office door. “It must end! Not only is it murder, but it amounts to hypocrisy of the highest nature. Yeah, keeping criminals locked up instead of mercilessly killing them might be costly, but maybe we can offset the cost by putting them to work making handcrafts in the prison store? Regardless, we have to abolish the death penalty - it’s the only right and moral thing to do!”
  2. “What about other potential criminals out there?” whimpers Random Chaos Neighbourhood Watch spokesperson Sandra Uhura, who has taken to hiding beneath your desk. “Did you know that since we introduced the death penalty the crime rate has decreased hugely? I say we introduce the death penalty for more crimes, like burglary and trespassing, and then no-one will ever dare to do anything wrong!”
  3. “There’s absolutely no proof that the crime rate has decreased,” states Angela Cobblepot, your foreign affairs advisor, with a nod. “But I have an idea. If we’re going to be killing these people, we ensure it’s as non-violent and as respectful as possible; make our executions more humane and give these people some choice in how they die. The international community will love us for our civility and humaneness. We’ll be an international benchmark!”
  4. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” Emile Juran, the Chief Deputy Assistant Police Commissioner states, swirling a pair of handcuffs on one finger. “We don’t go around executing innocent people for the fun of it; accidents happen! So those hippy people should quit their boo-hooin’. Look, if we give our boys in blue some more cash maybe there’ll be less room for mistakes. Everyone goes away happy.”
  5. “Hows abo’ bringin’ back dem-dere good ol’ fashioned lynchings? Bring justice back ter tha peoples!” shouts Jethro, a survivalist. “Who’d dare ta kill innocent peoples when tha punishmen’ is bein’ pelted ta death wit’ rocks?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens complain about a burning sensation after bathing.

2022-11-01 10:00

A Walk in the Park

The Gambler Forest is the largest national park in Random Chaos, but it is rarely visited by Random Chaosians or tourists. Various lobbyists have taken to hassling you about the continued use and purpose of this land.

  1. “Don’t let this poll deceive you; people these days actually yearn for the outdoors,” opines out-of-touch park ranger Vanna Lincoln. “We just need to totally revamp this park and all the rest of our national forests, campsites, and visitor centers while we’re at it. We’ll start by adding the necessities like luxury cabins, souvenirs, and trees you can drive through! By the time we’re done, people who visit our parks will be able to tell the difference between a Brancalandian noir cedar and a Random Chaosian black cedar!”
  2. “What? And waste all that valuable raw material?” barks your Minister of Land Development, Cassandra Scrooge. “I’m sure that there are plenty of nations out there that would kill to use our wood to build something. And once the wood is gone, we dig for gold! I just know it’s there somewhere beneath all that tree-covered wasteland. Never mind all that environmental hoopla about polluted water tables; I’m sure you could start giving out filters to the public and they’ll all be fine.”
  3. “I have an... alternative solution,” whispers your Minister of Alternative Solutions, Ayn Contra. “We could use the park to stage international training operations for our allies. I’m sure Marche Blanche would love our aid in developing ‘defensive strategies’ against Marche Noire, and I hear they are willing to pay big chips for the help. We can even keep the park open to the public to show that nothing shady or nefarious is going on. That’s a win-win-win in my book!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is a common belief that a sport isn't sport if there are no decapitations.

2022-11-01 04:00

We Who Are About to Die Would Rather Go Home

An old supporter of yours has recently passed on, leaving a quite sizeable plot of land to you in his will - but only under a rather unusual condition: that the site be developed into a colosseum for hosting gladiatorial fights and other bloody spectacles.

  1. “Yes, yes!” cries Falala Weaver, waving a wooden sword enthusiastically. “You’ve gotta do this, man! Gladiator fights are like the ultimate in spectator sports! And it doesn’t just have to be people! We could pit man against gambler! Blade against claw! Nothing to their names but their wits and their stamina! You’d have to pay people a lot to risk their lives doing this, but I bet you’d earn a whole lot more from merchandise and wagers and stuff!”
  2. “That’s just sick,” says Kirby Delauter, president of the Kill Violence Now Association. “I don’t believe you’d find anyone willing to watch actual people tearing each other apart. It’s savage and horrible! It’s even worse than boxing! Violent sports should be outlawed for the sake of this country’s moral integrity. I’m sorry, I’ve got to go - I’m ashamed you’re even considering this.”
  3. “Actually, we could use this to our advantage,” whispers Chief of Police, Preeti Larkin. “Why not just force convicted criminals to fight for the amusement of the public? They’ll be paying for their crimes, contributing to society, and totally freeing us of having to build jails to throw their useless hides in!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chests full of green leaves dumped into the harbor have many murmuring against the government.

2022-10-31 22:00

It’s Legal Now!

It’s been high times all around since the government legalized recreational marijuana. While adults can no longer be prosecuted for using or selling the drug, there still remains a high number of drug offenders in Random Chaos’s prisons who were sentenced before the law changed.

  1. “Clogging Random Chaos’s prisons with people who were simply ahead of their time is cruel, illogical and inhumane!” opines advocate Amadeus Gutenberg while puffing Maxtopian Grass cigar smoke into your face. “These visionaries should never have been imprisoned in the first place and the government needs to release every single one of them. You’d free up thousands of jail cells, and it sure beats turning them into hardened criminals behind bars.”
  2. “I sympathize with their situation, but as the old saying goes: ‘do the crime and do the time’,” reminds by-the-book FLRC Drug Enforcement Officer Elizabeth Navratilova. “Drug possession may be legal now, but it wasn’t when these people were arrested. They knowingly broke the law, and when you break the law in Random Chaos, you go to jail. Letting them out sends the wrong message.”
  3. “Drugs are bad, m’kay,” preaches anti-drug advocate and oddly-shaped high school guidance counselor Jonas McKay. “We should never have legalized the stuff in the first place. Drugs like Maxtopian Grass cause health problems and our children are still getting their hands on it, m’kay. We need to recriminalize all recreational drugs and keep the druggies off the streets. Throw the stuff away and be done with it, m’kay.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is paving paradises to put up parking lots.

2022-10-31 17:30

Keep the Greenbelt Green, Say Protesters

A group of environmentalists are protesting against plans to expand urban and suburban developments into greenbelts, the designated countryside between settlements.

  1. “Do we really have to listen to these nutcases?” asks Director of Urban Development, Melissa Brown. “The fact of the matter is that nature is BORING. Give us permission to build on the greenbelt and you’ll have industrial estates, farming communes, and glorious monuments to the Socialist Struggle! We can always transplant a few trees and put them in a tree museum to keep the tree-huggers happy. Random Chaos stands to gain a great deal of productivity from this!”
  2. “I agree with my comrade here, but he doesn’t go far enough,” says Tandi Hawke, Director of Ideology. “These protestors are standing in the path of progress. It slows the growth of our economy and harms my secret portfolio - er - the future of our nation, I mean. It’s unpatriotic and we should increase police funding to deal with these troublemakers. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about greenbelts or any other nonsense about keeping the ‘environment’ safe.”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” exclaims environmental activist Bartholomew Orbison. “Tree museums? Police funding? Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone? We’re talking about natural treasures and you’re talking about destroying them. Is there anything that you can build that can really be better than nature? We should put a stop to all encroachment into natural areas.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, passive-aggressive congratulations cards inform mums-to-be that their pregnancy is their greatest achievement in life.

2022-10-31 10:00

The Devil’s Spawn

Big baby news from Blackacre: Supreme Leader Valeria Drake — the oft-hostile tyrant of that oft-hostile nation — has announced that she is once again pregnant. With heartfelt and sometimes sincere congratulations pouring in from leaders all across the world, eyes are turning on Random Chaos, eager to gauge your reaction.

  1. The Minister of Foreign Relations lays his hand on your right shoulder, the sunlight creating a bright halo around his head. “Oh, let bygones be bygones already. This is a joyous occasion for Madam Drake! Let’s break the ice between Blackacre and us, and send over our most cordial felicitations. It wouldn’t kill us if we swallowed our pride for once, you know.”
  2. The Minister of Defense lays his hand on your left shoulder, tufts of his hair sticking up like horns. “Don’t listen to that naive dimwit! We need to show the world that that vile succubus and her larva don’t deserve any ‘best wishes’ to be sent their way. How about we discreetly spread some nasty rumours about how the father of the child is a descendant of Lee Terallihitlah, the Butcher of Bigtopia? You’ll see, all sympathy for that serpent and her spawn will melt away like snow.”
  3. “Oh we can do far better than a few rumours,” whispers Miriam Asda, a refugee whose family died in one of Blackacre’s many wars of aggression. She beckons to you from the shadows, to suggest a third, even darker path. “I suggest we send our best wishes, and maybe some baby gifts, laced with subtle biotoxins that will induce miscarriage. Trust me, she deserves nothing less.”
  4. A civil servant walks in on the meeting, and ruins the ambience by turning on the fluorescent ceiling lights. “Oh, uhm, s-sorry... but I came in to tell you that you could also simply ignore the entire affair. Pretend that you didn’t hear about the pregnancy because you were too busy volunteering in orphanages to follow international gossip. It’ll create a positive image of yourself, and you’ll have a great excuse to change the subject to how awesome you are.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, napalm is the tool of choice for disabling eco-unfriendly forestry operations.

2022-10-31 04:00

Externalities Palmed Off

A sunny neighbouring nation with a developing economy has been burn-clearing large swathes of rainforest to gain land for palm tree plantations. Weather conditions have carried the thick pall of smoke from the burning across a narrow sea strait, and into Random Chaos.

  1. “The smog is affecting the young, the elderly, and the sick,” notes your Minister of Civic Welfare, as she holds a rose-scented handkerchief over her nose and mouth. “We have to send a strongly-worded letter to their government to request that they do something to stop the parties responsible, if they’d be so kind. I’m sure that with their own citizens being affected, and with us pointing out the ecological damage they’re doing, they’ll take everything into consideration and choose to be reasonable.”
  2. “They aren’t going to respond to that! They don’t care if their own citizens drop dead in the fields; they’re cynical profiteers who only care about the bottom line!” fumes Malekith Scrooge, the Minister of Trade and Industry. “This sort of thing is exactly why we refuse to trade with other nations. We should pressure all their allies and major trade partners to do the same with them. That’ll teach them!”
  3. “Teach them what? That we care about abstract concepts like ‘diplomacy’ and ‘dialogue’?” rebukes Sarah Bannon, a hawkish Air Force Commander, pounding her fist into her open hand for emphasis. “It’s clear that they won’t fold easily when there’s so much profit at stake, but if we bomb the government, whoever is still left will accede to any of our demands.”
  4. “And what will that achieve? Decades in a never-ending war, that’s what!” mocks Angela Goldsmith, a slightly deranged scientist, who is staring intently at a snowglobe. “Instead, let’s build a protective acrylic-glass dome over every city, and connect them via enclosed tubes. We won’t have to care about the haze, difficult neighbours, or even climate change ever again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no-one can foil the ambitions of Big Aluminium.

2022-10-30 22:00

Your Land or Mine

A large aluminium deposit has been found at Gambler Hills, a remote area in Random Chaos. The Environmental Agency is being unusually easy-going, citing minimal potential ecological impact and approving mining to go ahead. Only one obstacle exists - the deposit is right in the middle of a sacred area of the indigenous Pangaoaoangan tribe.

  1. “Did you know that aluminium is the second most commonly used metal in our economy?” quizzes aluminium aficionado and bauxite buff Ellie Bannon, pointing to an ‘Ask Me About Electrolysis’ pin-badge proudly displayed on an ironed lapel. “This high quality deposit is a gold mine! Not literally of course, I’m just funning with you. We’re talking minimal tailings, starting at just minus 100 metres! Isn’t that exciting? Oh my goodness, there’s so much we can do when we have aluminium! Why hesitate?”
  2. “Leader, you must see it from our side,” insists Judas Goldsmith, a tribal elder wearing a sharp business suit and a worker’s hard hat. “Pullabooka - or as you call it - the Gambler Hills, belongs to my people. You cut into it, and you’re not just profaning a holy site, you’re cutting us out of your society! Look, we’re not blind to your economic needs: if you want to mine your metal, why not start seventy miles to the north instead, across that river canyon, then tunnel your way across to the deep deposits? A thousand generations of my ancestors are watching you, Leader. Do the right thing!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military officers are given medals for disobeying orders.

2022-10-30 16:00

The End Was Nigh

48 hours ago, Lieutenant Colonel Wangdi Steele of the Random Chaosian Air Defence Force received a nuclear missile detection alert advising him that an ICBM from the hostile nation of Blackacre was inbound for Random Chaos City. According to military protocol, he should have reported this immediately, which would have led to a nuclear counter-strike. However, he suspected a false alarm, and did not alert anyone of his findings until later. Subsequent investigations showed that the system had actually detected a red balloon.

  1. “Wangdi saved the world from apocalypse!” sings Mrs. Steele, his doting mother. “Had he reported this, we would all now be radioactive ash! He should be lauded as a hero, and a saviour of the world’s future! Speaking of the future, you should really put more tax money into malfunction detection training and overhauling the equipment. If my little angel isn’t on duty and something like this happens again, who knows what might happen?”
  2. “Sure, let’s reward him for not doing his job,” sneers your Minister of Propaganda. “We’d become an international laughingstock. Instead, we must pretend this never happened, and Wangdi Steele must be demoted and appropriately disciplined for breaking protocol.” He leans forward to whisper in your ear. “We’ll probably need to do something about his mother, too.”
  3. “The fact that we’re always on the verge of nuclear apocalypse is a real problem here,” suggests Chijioke Bulsara, pacifist author of nonfiction paperback Nukes: What Are They Good For?. “We must get rid of all of our weapons of mass destruction, so we can avoid, you know, destroying the world.”
  4. “Hey, what idiot put a red balloon up there?” asks globophobe Willy Denbrough, who had a bad experience with a clown back in 1986. “They’re a waste of helium and are just useless nasty things. If we ban balloons, we’ll be sure this problem won’t arise again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, death row inmates cower in fear at the phrase "one-year anniversary".

2022-10-30 10:00

Your Execution in 30 Years or Less or You’re Free

Thirty years ago, serial killer Victor Blair was sentenced to death, and has been on death row ever since due to constant appeals and backlogs. He was found dead of natural causes in his cell this morning, prompting concerned lawyers, law and order advocates, and everyone else with an opinion to protest the monumental gaps between verdicts and execution.

  1. “Do you realize how much of our budget is being spent on housing these criminals?” cries government auditor Carter Haggard, as he dots an I and crosses Ts on the latest government expense report. “I understand death row is needed as an ultimate punishment for those who deserve it, but we can’t keep spending truckloads of chips keeping these people for years or even decades on end! We need to set a maximum number of years before the sentencing and execution. Have some mercy on our budget!”
  2. “It doesn’t have to take as long as it does,” proclaims Hayley Nixon, a newly-appointed prosecutor. “If someone tries to make an appeal for ‘jury misconduct’ or ‘having an impaired lawyer’, that can delay the process exponentially. If we remove the ability for inmates on death row to appeal, I am positive you’ll see a large decrease in spending on death row and faster trials overall.”
  3. “Time limits? Preventing appeals?” gasps Marco Trudeau, a simple country criminal defense lawyer from Southern Random Chaos. “Inmates are still people! Long waiting times are the price we pay for making sure everyone Random Chaos executes is absolutely guilty. Violet help us if we execute an innocent person! Years of habeas corpus proceedings and a large backlog are a small price to pay to ensure justice is truly served. In fact, we need to make it easier for convicted felons to appeal their often harsh sentencing.”
  4. “Clearly, the easiest solution is to execute people once they receive a guilty verdict!” chimes in horror movie aficionado Sasha Clarke. “Going to the courtroom would be so much more fun if you got to watch people die! Don’t tell me you wouldn’t go see a trial if that was the case. Oh, and it would probably save money or something.”
  5. “Or we could just abolish capital punishment,” interjects your teenage niece as she takes a break from protesting other perceived injustices in Random Chaos. “You want to save money on killing people? Just stop killing people. Appeals are quite expensive, you know.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, families waiting for delayed pipe installations hope daily for rain.

2022-10-30 04:30

Pipe Down, Already!

Residents across your nation have been poisoned due to dangerous levels of lead in the drinking water. A particularly vocal quartet have arrived to tell you how they think you should handle the problem.

  1. “The government needs to fix our pipes!” shouts Lucina Mulder, a mother of four children, as she shows you the image of her teary-eyed youngsters shaking their empty Princess Sparkle-Gambler water tumblers. “Look at this report. Those old lead pipes are corroding and it is leaking into our homes. I cannot give this poisonous water to my daughters! Not only does it taste disgusting, it’s also a health hazard. You have to get rid of the old pipes and install new ones! Think of the children!”
  2. “What’s this woman prattling about?” huffs Heidi Targaryen, your notoriously penny-pinching Treasury Minister, squeezing a chip until it cuts her palm. “Everyone knows that lead’s not dangerous. It’s good for you. I heard it just this morning on talk-radio. As your body absorbs healthful lead, it seeps into your bones, makes them stronger, and works to protect against the carcinogens of environmental radiation. What we need, Leader, is an extensive campaign to tell everyone the alternative facts about the many benefits of lead: posters, TV ads, catchy tunes... you name it.”
  3. “Replacing the pipes would be so expensive, Dear Leader. Fortunately, we can provide for the water needs of the whole Free Land.” asserts Mario Chan, Manager of The Glorious Random Chaos Water Bottling Plant, as he pours some of Mother Random Chaos’s slightly-cloudy product into a shot-glass. “With increased funding for advertisements, we will teach that all good Random Chaosians have a duty to buy our pricey... reasonable product, as sparkling as a mountain stream.” Wincing slightly, he takes a sip from his glass.
  4. “Let’s just add synthetic EthyleneDiamineTetraAcetic Acid to the water we’ve got!” giggles chemist Sashona Humperdink giddily, unaware of the blank looks everyone in the room is giving her. “Oh, for crying out glayven. It’s so simple that any child of five, with an advanced degree in chemical engineering, would understand. By giving the whole population preventative chelation therapy, we can guarantee everyone can drink the water, without wasting valuable time and money on repairing pipes or bringing in fresh water. And sure, a few people might get minor side effects, such as heart palpitations, nausea, fatigue, blood clots, and death. But most people will be fine. Probably. So if you could just sign here...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's black ops are starting to get on people's nerves.

2022-10-29 23:00

Counting Coups

It was a good day for communism when the Socialist Revolutionary Movement took control of the government in the tropical island nation of Haptu. However, three weeks later, a pro-capitalist counter-revolutionary group funded and armed by the United Federation seized power, installing a dictator in a brutal coup. Your advisors have assembled, and have brought a chess clock to ensure that each is allotted exactly the same amount of time to speak to you about this.

  1. “They stole it from us, those bourgeois pigs!” exclaims Sandy Nista, your Minister of Proletarian Liberation, slamming his hand on the button to start the clock ticking. “It might be different if these soulless capitalists were the legitimate government, but it isn’t fair that they can just overthrow a communist leader who draws his mandate from The People! Leader, we need to act in the best interests of global communism, and that means military action! Down with the bourgeoisie!”
  2. “That seems like a very dangerous idea,” cautions your Minister of Catastrophe Prevention, accidentally knocking the chess clock onto the floor, smashing it into pieces. “Oh, whoops! Anyway, it’s probably not advisable to get into a proxy war with the United Federation. They’re a powerful economy, with a powerful military and - in case you forgot - a vast arsenal of nuclear weapons. Let’s use proper process, like applications to the international courts and statements of condemnation. That’ll show them!”
  3. “The minister makes a fair point,” concedes office cleaner Elena Mendeleev, sweeping up the debris and broken glass. “It’s probably best not to risk global thermonuclear war... what a whopper of a mess that would be for me to clean up! But we should definitely be advancing the socialist cause. You should secretly supply the resistance with weapons while publicly remaining neutral. And hey, as it’s all plausibly deniable, it’s likely that our weaponized neurotoxic chemical will give them just the edge they need. Now that’s a war game we can win.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, victims of crime are viewed as less trustworthy than politicians.

2022-10-29 17:00

Will the Real Victims Please Stand Up?

The nation is in uproar after a star football player was released from prison after spending six years behind bars for sexual assault, following new revelations that his disputant fabricated the entire incident. Leading lawyers, including your own, have asked you to take a stand against false accusations.

  1. “It’s a disgrace that all it takes to destroy a person’s life is one false allegation,” protests sleazy lawyer Waldo Janssen, who is facing multiple sexual harassment claims. “The problem is that we’re so quick to believe these so-called ‘victims’ instead of the accused. Force them to undergo rigorous interviews and get the coppers to perform DNA tests. This will deter people from making mendacious accusations in the first place. Anyone who is found out must be jailed for the same amount of time that their so-called attacker would have been sentenced to.”
  2. “How can you have no sympathy for the injured party?” inquires Lauren Price, the most feared prosecutor in Random Chaos, as the men in the room all fall silent. “We absolutely should believe the victims. The harder you make it for them to come forward, the more you’ll encourage the criminals to keep doing what they’re doing. While it is unfortunate that sometimes inculpable people get caught up in the courts, it’s better to imprison a thousand innocent men than to let one rapist go free.”
  3. “You know, all this talk about false allegations has gotten me worried,” whispers your personal lawyer Charlemagne Wilson, as he purposely spills coffee on his crotch, then gets your young secretary to help him dry it off. “It won’t be long until one of your pesky critics accuses you of a crime to ruin your career. I say we should nip that in the bud. Quietly pass a law that protects you, your cabinet, and your lawyer from any sort of legal ramifications. You rule this country. It’s only fair that you are bound by none of its laws.”
  4. “ORDER! ORDER! Nobody has heard from me yet!” exclaims notoriously corrupt Judge Lamar Dubois, while banging a gavel on your desk. “Quite frankly I don’t care who is accused or who accuses them. I think we all know what makes our justice system go around - chips. Sentencing should be based on how much both sides are able to pay up. Sure, the poor might not be able to win in this system, but hey, that’s the way the caviar crumbles!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, welfare funding has recently gone through the roof.

2022-10-29 11:00

Licence to Breed?

Increasing reports of child abuse and neglect in Random Chaos has prompted local pressure groups to call for ‘parental licences’.

  1. “You need a licence to keep gamblers or drive a car,” points out local current affairs commentator, Earnest Guilliman. “So why should just any random idiot get to be a mother or father? It just doesn’t make sense! If all potential parents had to pass tests to prove they’re responsible enough, I’m sure you’d find that it would help decrease the level of child abuse, and increase proper discipline in the home.”
  2. “This is madness!” screams Kate Navarrete. “You can’t deny perfectly good people the right to bring life into this world! Gamblers manage it easily enough, and you can’t tell me they’ve got more responsibility than your average upstanding citizen of Random Chaos! The government should keep out of such matters - I’ve always said social workers and welfare was a drain on the budget. Yes, there will be some sad cases of neglect, but shouldn’t we be giving parents the benefit of the doubt?”
  3. “The answer to this problem is patently obvious,” says Orville Thomas, your Minister of Social Welfare. “The government simply needs to give more funding to the welfare department so that we can recruit more social workers to carry out regular checks on parents and judge whether or not they’re doing a good job of looking after their children. It’ll be expensive, but at least it’s a damn sight fairer than licensing parents.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Foreign Aid Spending.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mothers are routinely abandoning their children in the name of women's rights.

2022-10-29 05:30

Don’t Want Your Kid Anymore? Good News!

A recent “accidental” change in child abandonment law has made it easier to drop unwanted children off at hospitals, orphanages, and even military bases. The deluge of abandoned babies has begun to ravage the welfare system, and consequently the national budget. Overworked social workers, understaffed military branches, and groups of angry women are at your door, demanding that action be taken.

  1. “This is insane!” says social worker Sashona Franklin, struggling to hold three babies in her lap. “Whose smart idea was it to allow mothers to simply drop off their newborns like last night’s stale pizza? These guys over at the Capitol don’t know how much work it takes to get these kids into the system and to take care of them, let alone how difficult it is to actually get them adopted! We simply can’t do it. If this keeps up, don’t be surprised if those babies sit in drop-boxes for days or forever.” After handing over a baby to you, the social worker gives one final piece of advice. “Parents need to accept the responsibility if they choose to have sex. It’s not the state’s job to raise children. At least, it shouldn’t be. Until these types of laws are repealed, enjoy the baby!”
  2. “A woman ought to have the right to choose if she wants to be a mother!” asserts Norma Roe, a long-time women’s rights activist. “It’s all a matter of privacy. The government shouldn’t have a say in our life, shouldn’t be telling us that we have to live like this, raise children like that, or devote our entire life to something we never wanted in the first place. Has anybody stopped to think that maybe it’s better for the child that they aren’t raised by unprepared, unwilling mothers? Give that a thought and get back to me, why don’t you?”
  3. “This is great!” says General Susie McCloud. “These abandoned kids are just what the Random Chaosian Armed Forces need. Our current personnel level is pitiful. I doubt we could defend a supermarket! If we take these unwanted rug-rats, teach them the ways of warfare, we could be spittin’ out super-soldiers in no time! Just imagine. Our military would be the envy of the world!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, formerly internationally exported goods are now given away for free.

2022-10-28 23:00

Should Be Sufficient

Embracing autarky has reduced access to Merovingian chocolate and Gallopavian flowers, but the Random Chaosian economy has more or less survived the transition. However, in the distant tiny island nation of Copiluaca, economic activity was formerly almost entirely dependent on selling coffee to Random Chaos, leaving them with crippling unemployment, tens of thousands in poverty, and an imminent famine.

  1. “How could we have done this to the poor Copiluacans?” asks Marina Larkin, your Minister of Progress. “Without chips flowing into their nation, they’re falling apart! We need to go all-out and send them as much aid as we can. This is our mess, and our responsibility.”
  2. “If a nation can’t survive on its own, then we’re not doing it any favours by giving it charity,” says your grumpy Defence Minister, pouring herself a bowl of cereal. “Autarky is a moral choice, borne of opposition to globalism. We should propagate that ideological position with a little tough love. We should blockade their ports and patrol their airspace to stop any remaining international trade getting in or out, and they’ll be forced to self-sufficiency. Give a man fish and you feed him for a day. Force him to fish at gunpoint, and he’ll fish like his life depends on it. Which it does.”
  3. “What about East Lebatuck, and Núi Và Sông, and Haptu?” inquires Simon Ryan, State Director of the Novelty Latex Hat Assembly Factory, who used to export goods to all three nations. “That’s a lot of comrades not getting the benefit of essential, high quality Random Chaosian products. Abandoning global economic activity was a mistake — let’s rejoin the world community of planned economies!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all astronauts are hot twenty-something models selected because they have 'the right stuff'.

2022-10-28 17:00

To Boldly Go?

As the government prepares for its latest budget, the Random Chaosian Space Agency is looking for direction from you. Petitioners have been transported to your office to present their ideas.

  1. “We should seek out new life and new civilisation,” implores William Kirk, an elderly utopian SF author and astronomer. “There are trillions of stars, and it’s mad to believe Earth alone harbours intelligence. There might be alien green-skinned lovelies, just waiting for contact with a real man. We need telescopes and exploration probes, aimed at the second star to the right, and straight on till morning. Show some enterprise. See what’s out there... That-away.”
  2. “They call it a space race, but being first at any cost is not always the point,” suggests reformist politician Patrick Picard, looking suspiciously at five lightbulbs illuminating the room. “Attend to the small details at the Random Chaosian Space Agency. Are they assimilating all the men and women needed, in an equal and fair fashion? Sometimes a counsellor can be of as much value as a pilot.” He takes a sip of hot Earl Violet tea. “I may be accused of being overly methodical, but these things matter. Suspend launches for now, and attend to infrastructure. Make it so.”
  3. “Space, I regret to say, is a dangerous place,” offers gruff base-commander and part-time gourmet chef Avery Sisko. “It’s not just about science, nor about being an emissary for corporate profits. It’s about security. Near-Earth space is getting crowded, with a multitude of nations seeking absolute dominion. You don’t want the East Lebatuckese to get any further with their space program, do you? Who knows what they’re doing up there with that Sputnak satellite? We need a new kind of space ship, to show our defiance of those agendas. One with guns. Lots of guns.”
  4. “Is anyone else here kind of bored?” yells young tearaway William Kirk Jr., revving his motorbike as he rides into your office, in clear contravention of rules and regulations. “We gotta make space exciting again for people, make the old things new again! Not just dry data and lore for tech-geeks, but awesomeness for ordinary people who like explosions, and lens-flared sunsets, and stuff like that. Reboot the Space Agency! Let’s have firework displays, televised low orbit skydiving, and celebrity astronauts with great hair! I dare you to do better!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, serial killers who are released early distribute death but not their seed.

2022-10-28 11:00

Criminal Guns Soon to Be Shooting Blanks

A judge from Random Chaos City recently promised significantly reduced jail time for criminals who volunteer to undergo surgical sterilization. Ten inmates have already agreed to go through with the procedure, and opponents are urging you to step in before more decide to go under the knife.

  1. “I don’t see a cause for concern here,” declares the infamous Judge Finlay Shongwe, notorious for being tough on crime. “It is a fact that the children of criminals are very likely to become criminals themselves. I want to end the cycle of children being born in these despicable, horrible, and awful places. I want to put an end to the violence, theft, rape, and gangsta music in my community. Besides, it’s not as if I’m forcing them to do this; criminals make their own choices. And this is a choice that will benefit both the individual and society.”
  2. “This almost certainly does force prisoners to undergo a procedure,” retorts Ladislav Bender, a former inmate turned masseuse. “The incarcerated will do everything they can to get out in the least amount of time, even if that means agreeing to a procedure they would never do otherwise. Do I have to explain why it’s wrong for the government to sterilize people? The judge probably isn’t even allowed to do this sort of thing, and if she is, it definitely should be illegal. What we need to do is give the incarcerated more choices in what they can do in prison, like maybe a good massage every once in a while.”
  3. “The judge has somethin’ right!” grunts Cato Shongwe, a warden at the Random Chaos City Correctional Facility who speaks loudly to compensate for carrying a small stick. “We give too dang much freedom to them prisoners. What we need tuh do is take the whole choosing part out and sterilize all of ‘em. Once they commit a crime, they lose all them privileges, like the ability to get pregnant or say no.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only "purebloods" are allowed in the nicer parts of town.

2022-10-28 05:00

The Ethnic Minority Report

The National Office of Predictive Crime Patterns (Pre-Crime, for short) has been running analyses of murder, theft and other serious crimes in Random Chaos, and has compiled a report noting that certain demographic groups - most notably young Bigtopian men - are up to twenty times more likely to commit crimes than the national average. As your security staff caught a Bigtopian intern trying to set fire to the report in your wastepaper basket, it may perhaps be time for action.

  1. “This is about efficient policing and prevention over punishment,” suggests slick-suited Pre-Crime Operations Chief Nikolai Sajak, glancing at you suspiciously as he looks up from a print-out of your family tree. “Let’s focus existing surveillance resources on high-risk communities, maybe perform the odd stop-and-search, and carry out the occasional preventative intervention. I can guarantee you lower crime rates with no increase in police spending. That’s a good deal, and my analysts say you are 93.54% likely to take us up on it.”
  2. “That is the voice of unfounded institutional racism,” says Bigtopian ex-gang member turned youth outreach worker Tabitha Anderson, waving a ball point pen at you in what seems to be an overly threatening manner. “Human beings are equal, and all should be treated equally by the law, with no individual or group singled out by the state. Why should we face police oppression just because of your prejudices?”
  3. “In my opinion, Random Chaos is under siege from ne’er-do-wells, and in a siege situation extreme measures are needed,” offers respected headmistress Athena McGonegirl. “These Slyth... er... I mean Bigtopians have proven themselves to be untrustworthy. We should make sure that they keep to their areas of Random Chaosian towns and cities, and only allow them back into civilised society after appropriate screening.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is mandatory for actors to exit stage left.

2022-10-27 23:00

Central Planning Theatrics

Faramir Navarrete’s masterpiece play, The War Cow, is coming to Random Chaos with the original cast in tow for a one-night-only performance. With hundreds of thousands of Random Chaosians wanting to attend, the Party’s Bureau of Central Planning are at a loss as to how to best allocate scarce luxury resources such as these tickets in the absence of free market mechanisms.

  1. “We could just allocate these tickets randomly,” notes Kimberly Thomas, Party Undersecretary and amateur blindfold darts-player. “Every citizen in Random Chaos interested in seeing the play will have an equal chance of being awarded a non-refundable, non-transferable ticket to see this moo-ving production. You can’t say fairer than that.”
  2. “But darling!” protests Prathik Chew, your flamboyant Junior Minister of Culture. “I love the theatre so much, and I really want to go see this play with my friends! What if only one of us wins this lottery? Where’s the fun in spending an evening with strangers? Why don’t we just move the venue? I’ve identified a great space on the outskirts of Random Chaos City for a new stadium-sized drama venue. I’m sure everyone will be able to crowd in there once we clear the forest out of the way.”
  3. “This again?” sighs Willow Jamieson, an overworked bureaucrat attached to the central planning committee. “Listen, here we are coming up with ever more ludicrous and expensive ways to resolve this dilemma, and as much as I hate to admit it, those decadent capitalists might have a point for once. It’s a limited resource with a high demand — perfect for the free market to sort out — so let it! Save us all a headache and start privatizing non-essential services.”
  4. “Can’t you see? This is corrupt imperialism, covertly attacking our proud communist state!” shouts Red Army demagogue Coraline Powell, tearing an official souvenir stuffed cow to pieces. “We must not allow this or any capitalist production into our country, and must only allow wholesome socialist theatre. There’s never any conflict over ticket allocation for those plays!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gossip magazines have been replaced by mask catalogs.

2022-10-27 17:00

Masks of Shame

A young woman recently died of suffocation after a local magistrate sentenced her to wear a traditional ‘Mask of Shame’, an archaic custom exclusive to rural areas of Southern Random Chaos. Several civil rights groups have called on the government to intervene and outlaw this cultural practice aimed at humiliating those who transgress social norms.

  1. “She was only sixteen,” growls self-proclaimed humanitarian Fergus Uhura in a strong accent distinct to the East End of Random Chaos City. “These backwoods nut-cases have been humiliating people, especially young women, for centuries. Merely being accused of scolding or wearing the wrong shirt can buy you a week in the mask. They even come with a studded gag to keep you from speaking. Not many people know that. This horrendous practice must be outlawed, and we should start a thorough re-education program to stomp out all their medieval ways.”
  2. “This was just a tragic mishap; the masks are harmless,” scoffs local mask shop owner Elijah Clinton, while trying on a pig-devil mask, distorting his voice into a high-pitched whistle. “In fact, why don’t you deepen our traditions? Unchecked degenerates tear asunder the social fabric and must be punished. While we have prison for the hardened criminals, I propose that we impose the ‘Mask of Shame’ as a valid form of punishment nationwide for gossipers, slatterns and other derelicts.”
  3. Noted historian and decentralization advocate Quentin Jordan has another idea. “These masks might be unorthodox, but the real problem here is our official penal system. Incarcerating people in tiny spaces, regulating every minute of their day and every inch of their life, completely isolating them from society; talk about cruel and unusual punishment! These masks, and other forms of ‘public shaming’, on the other hand, are a time-tested practice for bringing about social cohesion within communities. I say it’s time government bureaucrats and populist politicians stop forcing their Random Chaos City morality from above. Abolish the entire penal system and make ‘community shaming’ the official tool for enforcing justice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cities are engulfed by smog.

2022-10-27 11:00

Landfills Filling Up

After claims of two-headed gamblers being seen near the numerous landfills of Random Chaos, there have been calls for the government to act.

  1. “Look at that thing!” wails famous environmentalist Dixie Gutnick, pointing at one of Random Chaos’s largest dumps. “It’s an eyesore, a pollutant, and a damn disgrace! What we need to do is get everyone recycling their waste! What we have left we can shoot into space in specially-made space shuttles and we’ll never have to think about it again! Sure it’ll be expensive, but considering the benefits to the great outdoors, I think we should consider it.”
  2. “Ah, the expense!” moans Jan Nelson, government economist. “Do you have any idea what that would cost?! A much better way of dealing with this waste is to burn it and use the energy it produces to power Random Chaos’s big cities. There may be a few side-effects on the environment, but with all the cheap power coming in who would care?”
  3. “Oh come now,” says Monica Torres, a nearby suburbanite. “There’s no need to bring all the pollution into the cities! These dumps can get a whole lot bigger you know. Just keep piling the rubbish on and we can use them as tourist attractions or something. People will flock to see how high they can climb our artificial mountains! If we run out of space, just knock down a few forests. No one will notice.”
  4. “You’re all missing the real solution,” argues Tsongba Cho, president of the ‘Random Chaos First!’ society. “Why should we bother building landfills at all? I’m sure that there are plenty of less-fortunate countries out there who would be more than happy to take our litter in return for some cash.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the weather report is the prisoners' favourite programme.

2022-10-27 05:00

The Prisoners’ Dilemma

Your secretary wakes you with a phone call at three o’clock in the morning. “Sorry to wake you, Leader, but we have a problem. The severe rainy season has overwhelmed flood defences in an isolated northern part of Random Chaos. Our engineers say we have half an hour before a storm surge sweeps through the region. Almost everyone in the area has been evacuated, with the exception of the inmates and guards at the notorious Zetatraz prison. I’ve got two officers on the line. Shall I put them through?”

  1. “We don’t have the manpower to evacuate the prison in an orderly fashion!” shouts Sasha Cullen over the sound of pouring rain. “You have to let us open the gates and give the prisoners a chance to get to high ground. Sure, some of these prisoners may be guilty of some serious offenses, but they’re still human beings and you cannot leave them to drown! Give the order; I’m sure we’ll be able to round them all up once the storm has passed.”
  2. “Tell me you’re joking!” yells Anna Kirk, as you hear the heavy clang of keys being turned in old locks. “Zetatraz holds the worst of the worst. Murderers, rapists and jaywalkers crammed into every cell. If we let these animals loose, we’re endangering every innocent person in the country. They had their chance to live productive, law-abiding lives and they blew it. Let the guards lock these thugs in and escape to safety.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the populace has developed a mortal fear of the woods.

2022-10-26 23:30

Where in the Woods Is Cindy SanFrancisco?

After their daughter wandered off into the woods behind her house, a pair of teary-eyed parents interrupts one of your meetings, beseeching you to step up the rescue effort.

  1. “She’s only t-t-three years old!” sobs the lost girl’s mother. “She’ll never make it out there in the wilderness all alone. She’s going to d- d- d-” Her husband steps in as she breaks down in tears: “Please, you have to do something! There aren’t enough rescue workers out there. You need to hire more or divert them from other areas or something! What’s more important than a child’s safety?”
  2. “Hmph!” scoffs Daisy Lawson, your miffed financial advisor. “The nerve of some people! Do you really want to squander all that money on one kid? If you’re stupid enough to walk off into the forest all by yourself, maybe you shouldn’t make it to adulthood to have your own stupid kids. Survival of the fittest never hurt anyone — anyone worthwhile that is. We need to get rid of this unnecessary safety net. No more rescue teams. Then maybe parents will actually watch their moron kids.”
  3. “Yer all missin’ the heart o’ the matter,” barks Ivan Sandler, a burly, crosscut-saw wielding lumberjack. “The problem isn’t these lil’ rascals gettin’ lost; it’s what they’re gettin’ lost in. If we chop down those damned woods, well then there won’t be anythin’ to get lost in, now will there? You give me and my team the OK, and we’ll make those wooded deathtraps a thing o’ the past!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is well recognised that you can't sustain communism without a bit of spirit.

2022-10-26 17:00

To Each According to His Feed

While waiting for a table at the so-called “best restaurant in Random Chaos City”, you are told that the chicken has run out, the soufflé is suffering and the vegetable stock is out of stock. Meanwhile, the head chef has defected to the United Federation and the waiters are too proudly socialist to be servile. Despite all this, there’s such a mismatch of supply and demand for restaurants that the proletariat have to wait three months to book a table.

  1. “Face facts, communism and fancy restaurants are ideologically incompatible,” asserts waiter Avinash Boothroyd, spitting in a glass, then giving it a polish with a dirty rag. “You need food that reflects our great nation. This, for example, is ‘jellyfish with binoculars’, a dish from the revolution.” He drops a plate in front of you of gelatin chicken and two large shot glasses of vodka. “Restaurants should return to honest proletarian food, for the noble worker. No menus, one dish only, but served with two great things: alcohol and community.”
  2. “Drinking till your taste buds go numb is not a solution, comrade,” lectures rock farmer Fatima Hansen, dragging in a large iron cauldron with a heavy stone rolling around the bottom of it. “The communalist answer here is Proletariat Gumbo — a dish by the people, for the people! Have every diner bring something to add to the restaurant’s cooking pot, and in exchange they get a nice bowl of tasty stew. A pocket’s worth of pepper. Grated cheese for the greater good. An onion for everyone. A stake in the people’s steak!”
  3. “Quality service industries can exist in planned economies,” insists Minister for the People’s Palate Kurt Nygma, frowning as he adds a pinch of paprika to the empty cauldron. “We just need to sort out the logistics chains, dedicate state resources to retraining farmers and factory workers into being chefs and waiters, convert high-end weapon factories into haute cuisine restaurants and create a fair system of meal ticket distribution. You say petty bourgeoisie, I say tasty bourguignon. What is the point of state control of wealth if we don’t use it to create the good things in life?”
  4. “Or you could invite the experts in,” says entrepreneur Rebecca Uhura, strolling into your office uninvited, and setting up her burger cart in the corner. “Just say the word, and we’ll have fine diners built all across your nation. Not just for burger lovers either; there’ll also be pizza parlours, fried chicken huts, dealers in doughnut-dunking... Just open up a little bit to capitalist free enterprise, and we can have ourselves a feast!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign envoys that want to visit Random Chaos now have to navigate real minefields in addition to the political ones.

2022-10-26 11:00

Ambassadors Behaving Madly

The privilege of diplomatic immunity for ambassadors has entered the news after several of them have been caught in unsavory behavior, including drunk driving, fist fights, and the attempted murder of a Brancalandian Member of Parliament. Concerned citizens and outraged foreign nationals have asked your government to step in and bring your ambassadors in line.

  1. “The solution is quite simple,” states your Minister of Foreign Affairs while trying to smooth things over with his Brancalandian counterpart. “Why don’t we simply fire any ambassador who acts like a buffoon? We obviously can’t have our diplomats acting like spoiled children and besmirching our good name. We must replace them with the most upstanding members of society. Problem solved!”
  2. “That still doesn’t change the fact that your ambassador tried to kill one of our MPs!” replies the Brancalandian Foreign Minister, who has started a slap fight with your own Minister of Foreign Affairs. “I demand that all ambassadors have their diplomatic immunity revoked so that we can charge them for all of the crimes they have committed. No person should be above the law! To make it fair, we wouldn’t complain if you also took away immunity from all of the foreign diplomats in Random Chaos.”
  3. “Being a diplomat is so stressful,” complains Eliot Zahm, your former ambassador to Tasmania, who has taken it upon himself to stop the fighting between the two ministers. “You send us off to these dangerous hellholes all across Lazarus. Is it any wonder that some of us snap? Our job is to promote the nation’s interests and help find new allies. We need diplomatic immunity to ensure our safety as national envoys, guarantee our freedom of movement, and maybe let off some steam on the weekends. I think a little international embarrassment is a small price to pay for that.”
  4. “Ambassadors! Bah! Who needs them?” questions infamous nationalist and staunch xenophobe Kayla Fellow while giving a salute that makes everyone in the room uncomfortable. “This compulsive need to learn about other countries or grant their diplomats safe passage is very un-Random Chaosian. We’d be much better off keeping to ourselves and not having to worry about these damn foreigners or their opinions on how we conduct our business.”
  5. “Diplomatic immunity, you say?” muses Panu Marshall, your Minister of Sycophancy. “Why should this just be limited to ambassadors? It seems to me that if anyone deserves immunity, it’s you. You’re practically a god to these people anyway. You should be able to do whatever you want.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, street crime is on the rise as police officers spend most of their time in prisons.

2022-10-26 07:00

Jailhouses Rocked!

A controversial concert at the nation’s largest penitentiary headlined by guitarist Ronnie Chip went awry after he began playing his newest song, ‘Random Chaos City Prison Blues’. Buoyed by the anti-establishment message, the inmates became increasingly rowdy, resulting in a massive cell block riot. Inmates across the country have followed suit, with nationwide prison riots plunging the system into chaos.

  1. “Random Chaosian prison guards need immediate support!” gasps Miley Wells, head of the Random Chaosian Department of Corrections. “We’re being completely overrun! There’s no way we can contain these riots with our current personnel numbers! I don’t care if you need to take police off the streets: if something isn’t done, we’re going to have multiple prison breaks on our hands!”
  2. “That won’t be enough!” booms General Théoden Dixon, entering your office with a firing squad behind him. “We can’t afford to hold back. At this point, these inmates should be considered enemy combatants… and will be dealt with extreme prejudice. Soldiers are waiting at the ready. Just give the order.”
  3. “A non-violent solution is still perfectly attainable,” beams Björn Lazenby, head of a parental watchdog group. “If that detestable musician had never thought to poke the gambler’s nest, none of these riots would have occurred in the first place. That type of music is too much trouble for its own good, wouldn’t you agree? If their inspiration is removed, inmate riots will naturally lose motivation.”
  4. “Perhaps y’all should have listened to the concerns of these inmates,” sarcastically ponders Ronnie Chip, having been taken in for questioning. “That prison was a powder keg. Something was gonna happen. I just happened to be the spark. It’s never too late to make a difference. Sit down with both sides, and shut up and listen. Let these inmates’ voices be heard and let them control the conversation for a change.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chain-gangs are often seen toting barges and lifting bales.

2022-10-25 23:00

The Birdman of Pelicanz

Many Random Chaosians, including members of your cabinet, have been enthralled by a recently released film based on the true story of convict Bert Gloster. While serving a life sentence for aggravated mopery in the high-security prison on Pelicanz Island, Gloster carefully nursed an injured sparrow back to health and then kept it as a pet.

  1. “Gloster not only tamed the bird, he tamed himself in the process — he acknowledged as much when interviewed by the press after the film proved a success,” comments Rinzi Pond, your Minister for Gentle Reform. “Before the bird he was a violent troublemaker, but now he’s a model prisoner. We should assign pet birds to all criminals serving long sentences. Perhaps if they look after the birds well it could earn them privileges, and even be useable as evidence in their favour at parole hearings.”
  2. “Bah, humbug!” retorts Minister for Harsh Correction Abraham Wessex, spitting derisively. “Those scum would only pretend to care about birds for the benefits you’d give them. They’re in prison as punishment, not to practice hobbies! To repay their debt to society, jailbirds like Gloster should be put to hard labour during all hours not officially set for meals or sleep.”
  3. “I like Pond’s idea, but why not go farther?” interjects eternal optimist Debra Dlamini, Junior Minister for Agriculture, Beekeeping, and Countryside. “If we encourage every household in Random Chaos to keep pet birds, that will give us a happier population, and a more law-abiding one to boot. We should set up a large-scale breeding program at once so we have enough birds to go around!”
  4. “Our feathered friends shouldn’t be kept in cages!” exclaims the Bird Lady as she climbs into the room through a window, pausing only to unhook one of her costume’s wings from the window-latch on which it had caught. “The caged bird might sing, but the un-caged bird sings more sweetly, and I know that’s because it’s free. What the government should do is set up bird-feeding stations all across the country, so they can thrive in freedom and their presence can cheer people up. Feed the birds!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government's fruit business reeks of rotting produce and corruption.

2022-10-25 17:00

The Forbidden Fruit

The Prime Minister of the massive agricultural nation of Ausblic has sent you a rather unconventional gift: five thousand fruit baskets worth 100 chips each. Now, crates of fruit baskets occupy almost all available space in your office.

  1. “Do you like our gift, Leader?” enquires the Prime Minister of Ausblic, Elaine Cruise, wandering through the maze of fruit baskets only to find your face hidden by a huge pineapple. “We wish to improve ties with Random Chaos, and what better way than by offering a sample of Ausblic’s main export? If you can’t finish eating all five thousand baskets worth of fruit, I’m sure that you could sell some of them back to the market with a significant markup. Just a suggestion.”
  2. “Nice try, but our leader is incorruptible!” snarls your devoted Home Secretary Jiang Kim, his Leader is Love, Leader is Life T-shirt visible through his shirt. “We must destroy all of these odious offerings, and show that we have zero tolerance of graft. Harsh punishments must be given to anyone who tries to bribe government officials. Only then will our glorious nation be free of corruption!”
  3. “That’s taking it a little too far,” states Natalie Rivera, the Minister of the Middle Ground, who is standing between the previous two speakers to keep them apart. “We could permit politicians to receive small gifts, inconsequential sums totalling a maximum of 50 chips per person, per annum. Any previous gifts received that are worth more than the amount stated, like those fruit baskets, should be donated to charity. Imagine the needy people of Random Chaos, delightedly waiting for succour as you donate all the things you don’t even need.”
  4. “What you call bribes, I call political donations,” divulges politician Vandal Zimmer, who hefts a suitcase that is bursting with cash. “Getting into public office takes millions of chips, and the average citizen cannot afford to do so. If you make it easier for politicians to receive donations from altruistic international investors, you could bring equality to politics and give even the most disadvantaged candidates a fighting chance. After all, if some legitimate Blackacrean businessman is actively interested in Random Chaosian politics and wants to help some idealist change Random Chaos for the better, what’s the harm?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, posters encourage people to "Just Do It!".

2022-10-25 11:00

Mother Knows Best?

A recent report from the Bureau of Population Statistics has revealed that, during the past quarter, the number of parenting licenses given to prospective parents fell to an all-time low.

  1. Your secretary, who has failed the parenting test four times in a row, is eager to speak to you about this. “I mean, come on! How was I supposed to know how long it takes for a baby to get to the center of a lollipop? The test shouldn’t be so impossibly hard that no one can pass it. And there are so many other restrictions and requirements that get in the way of people trying to be parents. I beg you to make it easier for a regular person to obtain a license. I promise I will raise my children well!”
  2. “Seems like we’re running a country full of idiots, doesn’t it?” complains the head bureaucrat of the government agency that awards parenting licenses. “The application process is doing its job if it keeps those who are unqualified from having children. If there is one child in the hands of a parent without their wits intact, then we have failed as a nation. Instead of making the process easier, we need to be even more selective. And we should monitor the progress of parents even after they get their licenses, just to make sure they’re parenting up to standard. Only the best, brightest, and most qualified deserve to raise a family.”
  3. “Licenses? We don’t need no stinking licenses!” yowls your Minister of Productivity, writhing and jumping around you. “Less children — bad! Less productivity — bad! Bad for economy! We always need to be producing, always need to be doing! More children, more doing!” The minister’s mouth froths as he mumbles on the floor, making bizarre thrusting motions.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, commuters travel in zigzags to avoid stalking accusations.

2022-10-25 05:00

Dangerous Liaisons

Your brother just broke up with his most recent girlfriend. However, this one turned out to be a bit different from all his previous love interests.

  1. “You’ve got to help me; she’s a psycho! Did you know she tried to put my beloved bunny Fluffykins in a pot and boil her alive?” exclaims your brother, as he nervously pulls the curtain to check if she’s lurking outside. “I tried to break up with her nicely, as I always do, but she won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Look at this — 426 unread messages already today — and it’s only 2pm! You’ve got to make stalking a serious offence punishable by jail time and send this clingy hysterical woman to prison! Then, I’ll be free to ask out that cashier at the local supermarket; she’s a real cutie!”
  2. “Although I agree with your brother’s diagnoses, I disagree with his method of rehabilitation,” states Ferdinand True, a psychiatrist, as he beckons your brother to a leather couch. “Serial stalkers are known to have mental disorders that increase their infatuation with the object of their desire, leading to irrational and anti-social behaviour. Prison time will not cure them. What they need is an extensive course of cognitive behavioural therapy, where they will learn to decode, process, and alter their warped thinking patterns.”
  3. “But he promised to be with me forever! I don’t want anyone else — he’s the one for me,” wails your brother’s ex, appearing from behind the couch and giving him a vacant stare. Then she turns to you and smiles sweetly. “You should make it law that anyone who has been ditched has the right to watch over their ex constantly for the next six months. Just to make sure they’re okay and that they’re sure they made the right decision.” She turns again to your brother. “By the way, I know you’re seeing that girl at the supermarket. STAY AWAY FROM HER OR I’LL BE USING HER INTESTINES AS FISH BAIT!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, practising saying 'how now brown cow' is an essential part of holiday planning.

2022-10-24 23:00

Culture Wars

A family from Random Chaos was arrested while on holiday in Tasmania for taking a photo of their child urinating in Lake Sacred - a cultural icon that is revered by all Tasmanians. This incident, and others of Random Chaosians behaving badly while abroad, has resulted in a national debate about how uncivilized Random Chaos appears to the rest of Lazarus.

  1. “We are the laughing stock of Lazarus,” opines your mother, as she picks up the litter on the floor of your office. “We need to draw up a list of government-sanctioned guidelines to show Random Chaosians how to behave properly in the countries they are visiting, and require that all travel agents hand over a copy to anyone who books a foreign holiday. We need to understand that, although some Random Chaosians urinate in fountains and throw rubbish everywhere here, it is not acceptable in other countries.”
  2. “Unfortunately, that won’t be enough to change our bad habits,” declares Tayyip Nelson, your old school teacher, as he orders one of your aides to take out the rubbish bin. “Every time I go out, I see an awful lot of people jumping queues and a few even spitting in restaurants. Have we no shame? Well, I’ve had enough; I say we ban all citizens from leaving Random Chaos. Then we will no longer embarrass ourselves in the eyes of Lazarus.”
  3. Your glamorous secretary, Lauren Tolkien, checks her perfectly coiffed hair to make sure not a strand is out of place. Wearing her elegant branded dress, she sits coyly and gracefully crosses her stockinged feet. She then sneezes into her palm and wipes the snot all over her clothes. “Who cares what the rest of Lazarus thinks? I like the way we Random Chaosians are. If those other nations think we’re rude, then that’s their problem! In fact, why don’t we build exhibitions in the other capital cities of Lazarus, showcasing our way of doing things? That way, they will stop criticising us and understand us better.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government spending has hit an all-time low.

2022-10-24 17:00

High-Speed Monorail Service Promises Connections

Vroom-A-Zoom-Zoom (VAZZ), a consortium of weird-looking hippies and yuppie roller coaster aficionados, has developed plans for a high-speed monorail service for Random Chaos to help counter and relieve problems brought about by banning cars.

  1. “This is great,” says Moana Lowe, devout anti-spending advocate. “You know what’ll happen? The government will invest huge sums of money in a service no one will use. I suggest nipping it in the bud... and cutting back government spending across the board while you’re at it.”
  2. “I really disagree,” says Tobias Shore, an unwashed denizen standing in the middle of Noh Weir, population 200, on the outskirts of Random Chaos. “We need this monorail service to connect both large and small cities, with equal access to transport for all the workers, all of the time.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young people suspect their parents might be a little bit stupid.

2022-10-24 11:00

Build a Better Baby?

Top fertility clinics in the United Federation — an ultra-capitalist nation that you nonetheless have historically amicable relations with — have recently announced a new service allowing parents to create so-called ‘designer babies’. This is something that is not currently offered by state-administered hospitals in Random Chaos.

  1. “I honestly don’t see what the big deal is,” says Ambassador Venus Contri, proudly showing you the ultrasound image of the designer pregnancy she purchased while posted to the United Federation. “I simply made sure that the little comrade will have the very best genetic make up that my partner and I could offer. That should be the right of every couple in our proud nation — boost the health budget so that everyone can choose to have the perfect baby!”
  2. “This technology stands as a testament to the deep-seated moral corruption of the United Federation’s ruling class,” opines Billy-Bob Kennett, a senior member of the Party Committee on Ethics. “Notice how it effectively annihilates anyone who doesn’t conform to the capitalist ideal of optimally profitable workers? And who are we to say that the discarded embryos do not deserve an equal opportunity to be born and to flourish? Embryonic screening should be outlawed, and anyone who travels abroad to undergo these procedures should be duly prosecuted.”
  3. “Optimal workers, you say?” inquires Georgina Huxley, your minister of health. “That raises an intriguing idea: what if, rather than making genetic profiling freely available to all parents, we made it mandatory? Imagine, we could have a whole new generation of genetically-engineered workers that are ultra-productive and inclined to obedience to the state, with an enhanced ability to contribute to the greater good of Random Chaos!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, therapists dispense hugs for heroin dealers and cuddles for crackheads.

2022-10-24 05:00

Breaking Upset

While attending a community meeting in an impoverished neighborhood, you hear a commotion nearby. Just as you think you’ve seen it all, you find a man in his tighty-whities engulfed in flames outside his burning trailer. The cause was meth-making gone wrong.

  1. “I’m speechless, I truly am,” states local state trooper Noah Duturdte, as he twirls his revolver around his finger. “You want to know the worst part? Just last week the exact same thing happened, just with a different guy. They’re a danger to the public and themselves. We must declare war on drugs; let me and my boys eliminate this problem once and for all.”
  2. “We can find them, and deliver punishment as we see fit, but it will solve nothing,” retorts Tamara Delauter, a social worker. “What we need is social reform. These people need counseling and addiction programs. If we correct the undie lying - I mean, underlying causes of this, we may actually solve the problem, not add wood to the fire. So throw some funding to social services and it will all work out. Now, hold my jacket and clipboard while I go help this man.”
  3. “I has a much more betterer idea,” mumbles the man who caused all this as he scratches what used to be his eyebrows. “Clearly I done messed up. But, if the gub’ment or whoever teach people like me how to make our product all proper like, we won’t be getting into messes like this. Allow those expert fellas to teach us stuff on this and all will be good.”
  4. “To hell with them all!” proclaims Björk Larson, a right-wing radio talk-show host, as she puts her arm around your shoulder. “These people are nothing but human garbage, and in this instance, a flaming pile thereof! Let them maim or kill themselves; if they all die off, there will be no one to make drugs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, expectant parents view twins with equal parts joy and suspicion.

2022-10-23 23:00

Double Trouble

An intelligence agent has uncovered a document detailing a planned coup of your government. DNA evidence extracted from skin cells on the document has linked the plot to two cabinet ministers — identical twins Jamie and Jessie Gray. Both twins deny any involvement and are blaming the other.

  1. “Because we can’t tell which twin was plotting against you, we can’t reasonably prove either of them was involved,” claims Attorney General and killjoy Billy Whiterock. “Better to let a guilty person walk free than have an innocent person be wrongly punished. We have no choice but to hold back until we have more evidence, and allow them to continue their current roles. Besides, I always found it somewhat charming that we have twins fulfilling the roles of Minister for Alternative Solutions and Minister for Creative Solutions.”
  2. “Bah, in my experience twins are more likely to commit crimes because they think we can’t charge both of them,” says Chief of Police Bartholomeus Mulder, who’s a bit of a loose cannon but by gum, gets results every time. “If you free them both, then you’re issuing a carte blanche for these creepy doppelgangers to commit crimes. As long as we’re sure that one twin was responsible, assume both are guilty until one of them cracks and confesses.”
  3. “Good news everyone!” announces Professor Darnsworth, a crackpot geneticist who is the spitting image of your Secretary of State. “We’ve recently discovered that all sets of identical twins are comprised of an ‘evil’ twin and a ‘good’ twin. Invariably, one twin will always be predisposed to be evil, grow a goatee and blame their evil deeds on the other twin. Give my team a blank cheque and we’ll be able to develop a soul smear test to determine which person in a pair of twins is evil. Then you can keep the good twin and punish the evil one!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cases of disease among the civilian population dwindle as civilian population dwindles.

2022-10-23 17:00

Grave Disease

A group of teenagers have stumbled across an abandoned graveyard in the highest mountains of Random Chaos containing bodies infected with a new, unknown, and deadly strain of Maxtopian Pox — a disease previously thought eradicated. With the infected teenagers isolated in hospital, you have called an emergency meeting with top virologists to discuss available options.

  1. “This virus, inadvertently reactivated following permafrost excavation, was thought to be fully eradicated a few decades ago,” exclaims Theresa Stewart, wearing a full hazmat suit. “If it spreads, it could cause devastation in Random Chaos on an unprecedented scale! Simply put, both our immune systems and the pharmacological armory are not prepared to face this threat. We must quarantine ground zero and offer vaccinations to nearby settlements, unless you want a pandemic on your hands.”
  2. “Humanity eradicated the Maxtopian Pox by vaccinating every single person,” whispers public health official Buffy Bush, trying to stick a needle in you. “But these days, we have become complacent. In preparation for the inevitable outbreak, we must mandate routine vaccination against the Maxtopian Pox for everyone! Those who refuse to be vaccinated should face fines and be locked down in their own homes to prevent the disease from spreading.”
  3. “Deadly disease, you say?” cheerfully asks one of your more jingoistic advisers. “This is a great opportunity to bolster our military presence in Lazarus, and you’re just letting it go to waste! I say dig up the bodies, bring them to the totally non-existent Area 50, and use them as biological weapons! Everyone’s going to think twice about attacking us now!”
  4. “You can save humanity by saving the planet!” yells a messy-looking teenage protester who just entered your office through a window. “Climate change is causing the ice to melt, releasing deadly diseases that have been trapped for centuries. To prevent epidemics, we must stop climate change. Enforce tougher environmental regulations in Random Chaos. Eliminate carbon emissions! Forget the immediate crisis; we have to prevent future ones!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rocket boots and thermal detonators have become standard-issue military gear.

2022-10-23 11:00

The Coming of the Commissars

Controversy arose recently when an entire platoon deserted because they “just didn’t see the point of it all”. As a consequence, debate has erupted over ways to rebuild Revolutionary spirit in the army.

  1. “The answer is simple, Leader,” confidently states Ayla Dredd, a Party ideologue. “Our servicemen and women need to know what they’re fighting for: the Historical mission of Random Chaos. It’s absolutely imperative that we appoint political commissars to serve alongside regular officers and educate our brave soldiers about Worldwide Revolution. Ideological training is as important as the ability to shoot straight, after all.”
  2. “No, no, no! That all sounds frightfully dull!” interrupts your wild-eyed and unkempt head of sciences, Francisco Li. “You know what’ll get young people lining up at every recruitment post? Flashy new gear! Who doesn’t want to charge into battle as a combat engineer, dodging and weaving between Mammoth tanks, airships raining down support? Oh, and Tesla coils, gotta have Tesla coils. I admit the R&D will be INSANELY expensive, and I can’t guarantee realization of all our schematics - especially the time machine side project - but hey, at least it’ll solve the morale problem.”
  3. “Now hold on just a minute!” hollers Lana Schwarzenegger, an unruly off-duty soldier. “We don’t need some jumped-up Party mouthpiece telling us what to do! Present company excepted, of course, Leader. And we don’t need fancy gizmos to motivate us either. The real problem is the officer corps forcing us to fight all the time. War takes so much effort and somebody always ends up getting hurt. If we have the troops elect officers at every level - including the top brass - we won’t be fighting pointless battles in the first place. After all, isn’t workers’ power what the Revolution is all about?”
  4. “An entire platoon just DESERTED!” fumes former Gulag Welfare Officer Tenzin Baldwin while visiting on diplomatic business, “And no one thinks they should be punished? In Glorious Motherland such treachery would never be tolerated,” he continues, mindlessly toying with a pistol, “It sounds to me that you need some men following around your conscripts to make sure the cowards don’t flee back to mommy. You don’t want Random Chaos to become the laughingstock of the anticapitalist world.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rugby players that knock each other over always stop to make sure the other fellow is okay.

2022-10-23 05:00

Outside the Box

Heavyweight boxer Zaheer Adams faced a lot of criticism when — during a press conference before a title fight — he yelled at his opponent that he was planning to “smash in your skull, bash your brain pan, and send you to the morgue”. This prediction proved to be true, with a punch to the temple fracturing his opponent’s skull, killing him. Now people are asking if the boxer should be held to account for his words and actions.

  1. “That was just trash talk!” yells the boxer, punching the wall angrily. “It’s not like I actually wanted to kill him. You can’t hold an athlete accountable for what happens in a sporting arena. Write that down. Make it a law.” He waves a fist at you for emphasis.
  2. “We all heard the threats, then watched the murder happen!” weeps Maria Fox, mother to the deceased boxer. “This was a premeditated act, a killer punch aimed in a way that he knew would be lethal! The law needs to recognise that threats are threats and crime is crime, no matter the sporting context.”
  3. “Why is it so surprising that when pitting psychos against each other, death happens?” asks action movie actor Dawang McClaine, brushing foundation onto his cheeks. “Look, what you should do is ban boxing and other combat sports. If people want to see exciting fight action, they can watch me — or my team of carefully trained stunt doubles — simulate fighting on the silver screen. It’s called acting, darling, and it’s what we civilised sorts prefer.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military barracks resemble five-star hotels.

2022-10-22 23:00

Sergeants Are Too Nasty, Say New Recruits

A haggard group of new recruits in Random Chaos’s army have spoken out against the brutal conditions experienced in their military training.

  1. “It’s atrocious!” wails Private Jiang Jele, from amidst the cacophony of a parade cadence. “We’re forced to sleep in crowded barracks, on hard cots, and do the most inhumane exercises when we wake up! Just today I’ve had to crawl through a muddy minefield, climb a grease-coated wall, and to top it all off, get mangled by an angry drill sergeant! All we want is a little respect from the officers - maybe to sleep in until noon, and not have to get all sweaty and tired doing stupid things like marching and climbing ropes. Oh, and private bedrooms too - we’re risking our lives for the country, after all.”
  2. “THEY WANT WHAT?!” screams Sgt. Burkz, while pressing back a rising vein on her neck. “This is WAR, not DAYCARE! If anything, the training standards should be tougher! If I want to whip some pasty-faced, beer-gutted greenhorn because he can’t climb over a razor-wire fence then I should be given the permission to do so right away! The cry-babies won’t like it, but they can run home back to their rich daddies if that’s the way they’re having it. War isn’t a walk in the park, and training shouldn’t be either. For all our sakes.”
  3. “Training, what a load of old hooey,” says renowned spendophobe and radio announcer, Natalie Quayle. “The only thing it teaches our soldiers is how to shine boots and fight plastic dummies. We’d be better off if we just dropped them into the fight so they could learn to shoot for themselves. There might be a few accidents, but it’ll be worth it for all the chips we’ll save.”
  4. “There is another way, you know...” whispers Valour Wolfe, the Chief of Secret Projects and Shiny Things in Random Chaos’s military research department. “What if we started taking children and raising them from birth to fight? We’d be able to make them completely immune to propaganda, psychological warfare, and demoralisation. Not only would that stop the crying new recruits, it’d also give us a powerful military edge. People may not like giving up their kids, but that’s why we run the country. We know better.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is still not known if the commander in chief outranks the supreme commander.

2022-10-22 17:00

Confusion of the Highest Order

Attending a passing out ceremony this morning, a stand-off ensues when two officers of different ranks in the nation’s sprawling military bureaucracy both insist the other salutes first. Twenty minutes of awkward posturing later, an aide suggests it might be time you intervened.

  1. “This is absolutely ridiculous!” exclaims Field Commander Four-and-a-Half Star Lieutenant-Colonel with fig leaf cluster Anselm Coulson, arms held stiffly at his side as he stares down Grand Marshal Brigadier-Major first class Emily Khan. “We officers should be afforded the respect our proud service warrants, through a plethora of ranks to tailor to every officer’s skill set and service to the army, and it’s every soldier’s duty to understand their place in the hierarchy.”
  2. “Why should I be forced to remember every single rank?” pipes up pallid-faced orderly Kai Rios. “I got ten days of latrine scrubbing for not being able to distinguish between 162 varieties of epaulettes — how ridiculous is that? Military ranks must be made simpler if you want efficient battlefield decisions rather than generals squabbling like children.” He looks mournfully at a worn toothbrush as both the Field Commander and Grand Marshal turn to glower at him.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, billions of chips are being blown on orbital weapons development.

2022-10-22 11:00

Orbital Armageddon?

The space research organization in Random Chaos has requested more government funding for space-related research and development, and the possibility of creating orbital weapons platforms has become a topic of intense debate.

  1. General Apu Lane says, “We should spend more. But not just on exploration. We should start developing Orbital Weapons! Space Marines! Armed Spacecraft! We would rule the region, and look cool doing it! Just divert some funding from environmental protection, and BAM! Sci-fi goodies!”
  2. Noted scientist and pacifist writer Emma Ruff thinks otherwise, “No! Space is a place for peace! It’s the only place left we’ve got that we haven’t screwed up. Oh, the space program still needs funding, don’t get me wrong, but none of this ‘military in space’ stuff will do! We ought to divert funding from the military to education and space research instead!”
  3. Fringe group leader Kamehameha Ambrose disagrees, “Space is a total waste of time. We should spend more on stuff people actually CARE about. Like protecting the environment! Forget that fancy-schmancy space station!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, couch potatoes are considered to be model citizens.

2022-10-22 05:00

State of the Media

According to recent surveys conducted by the National Broadcasting Agency, viewership of state media has hit a record low. This has resulted in a wave of officials and state-sponsored journalists seeking your advice on how to improve the situation.

  1. “We could accommodate more alternative views,” proposes Ingrid Kaine, a talk show host, speaking with you on live television. “Random Chaosians tend to view our state-approved programmes as blatant government propaganda. If we were to spice up our newspaper opinion columns and interviews with a greater variety of voices, then even the staunchest critics of state media won’t be able to say that we’re biased.”
  2. “I think that it’s a matter of trust,” concedes the head of the Department of Truthiness, while writing a puff piece about your pet gambler. “We shouldn’t cushion our people from the harsh truths of our nation, if that’s what they truly want. Unlike what the national papers say, we don’t actually have full employment or zero crime. We must release every single statistic being tracked in our country, and hope that our citizens can believe in us.”
  3. “The only true solution is to force everyone to watch our shows,” whispers the Minister of Internal Security, handing you a prototype screen. “We should install these modified televisions in every single household. They have built-in microphones and security cameras so that we can keep our citizens under constant surveillance. People who attempt to ignore state media by switching off their televisions will be identified, and taken away for a bit of re-education on how to be a proper citizen.”
  4. “That would be a hideous waste of chips!” objects the State Treasurer, showing you a number of charts that all seem to blend together. “If no one wants to view official media, then they don’t have to. We should scrap the entire thing and let the public come up with their own sources of information and entertainment. The resources could be allocated to somewhere else, like on strengthening our military and funding law enforcement.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the New Random Chaosian Thesaurus lists "love" and "oppress" as synonyms.

2022-10-21 23:00

The Devil’s Playground

In response to the increasing number of faith-based afterschool programs across Random Chaos, a prominent anti-religion organization has proposed Lessons with Lucifer, a tongue-in-cheek program designed to encourage critical thinking. The vociferous backlash comes to a head when you collect your niece from school.

  1. “This is preposterous!” cries parent Jamling Kwan, as he plasters every available surface of your vehicle with My God Loves Me bumper stickers, which he pulls from an apparently bottomless satchel. “The program even says ‘Lucifer’! Do not allow these heretics near our precious darlings. Ensure our children are only exposed to religions that are decent and founded on something real.” He runs out of space to place bumper stickers and starts hanging garlic cloves from your rearview mirror.
  2. “These ideological attitudes are exactly why our program is so necessary,” insists a sharply-dressed man in a black suit and sporting a twisted goatee. “No-one has any problem when these religious nuts force their beliefs on the nation’s children, yet everyone’s up in arms about the name of our program. Lessons with Lucifer is all about teaching kids to have an open mind. It’s not devil-worship. It’s rationalism, to prevent kids growing up like this superstitious wacko. You should set children free to explore alternatives to the kooky bull peddled by their parents. Don’t you believe in freedom of religion, Leader?”
  3. “It’s sad,” mumbles your niece, clambering into your vehicle. “I don’t like seeing all these poor unbelievers hanging around. I know they’re all going to suffer everlasting torment when they die. I just wish that someone who really loved their niece, and had a lot of power, would bravely make sure that everyone followed the one true religion so they would all be safe forever. Or else.”
  4. “There is another option,” whispers a hooded figure as they slither up to your side, offering you a contract on leathery parchment and written in sinister scarlet ink. “Permit me to introduce myself... I’m just a devilishly-handsome guy, who’s raring to be your new Education Minister. I have a lot of bold ideas for reform, at no price to the taxpayer. Well, not in chips, anyway...” Cackling, he flees, leaving behind the contract and an unusually sulphurous smell that you hope is a bad stomach rather than brimstone.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, skateboarding is the only legal way to travel.

2022-10-21 17:00

Ban the ‘Boards, Say Pedestrians

The conservative Northern-based parents group of “Housewives and Convicts for a Safer Random Chaos” has put forward a memorandum to ban skateboarding in public.

  1. “Skateboarding is a menace to pedestrians and road users,” says activist Nosipho Graves. “Not to mention the astronomical number of skateboarding-related injuries - hundreds of children flood the emergency rooms of Random Chaos as a result of skateboarding every year, which is costly to the taxpayers. Keep our streets safe and save a little cash at the same time. Hell, you could make even more money by ticketing those who violate this law.”
  2. “Ticketing children for getting out of the house and exercising?” asks Wally Mulcair, a school teacher, in disbelief. “That’s outrageous! It’s true that skateboarding can be dangerous but so is walking down the stairs! You want to ban that too?! What we should do is pass laws requiring safety equipment for skaters - if we allocate a little bit of the tax payers’ money to the cause, we can build a skate park that will keep our children safe and away from others on the road too.”
  3. “Yo, dude, I’ve got a better idea,” says Charlemagne Tano while executing a complicated 360° spin over your head. “What if skateboarding was the only way to get around? Wouldn’t that be cool? Skateboarding is cheap, healthy, and fun! Everyone should do it! You could improve, like, the quality of life for everyone by banning vehicles and making skateboarding the only legal way to travel. People’d love you for it, man. Well, apart from the guys who make cars and the like, I guess.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, they who do not work shall not eat.

2022-10-21 11:30

To Each According to Whatever’s Left

Multiple state warehouses that were supposed to be stacked high with sacks of freshly harvested crops were recently found to be empty, leaving many to speculate about bureaucratic mix-ups, corrupt black market reselling, or alien potato abductions. Investigations are ongoing, but in the meantime a lot of people are getting hungry.

  1. “We need to immediately direct our workforce toward producing more food,” insists your Minister of Food Distribution, sitting in the corner and sharpening a sickle. “If we don’t want our citizens to starve, we must move them into agricultural communes and put every shoulder to the wheel, regardless of profession, age or ability. By sharing tools, grain and livestock we can offset this disaster as soon as possible. Sure, it’ll be hard manual work, but at least our comrades will be nourished.”
  2. “We must assure our populace that everything is going to plan,” says your Minister of Propaganda, brushing dust from your desk into a jar of kvass. “Just keep the shelves stocked by using cheap fillers in our food for a while, and don’t let factory staff tell anyone. I’m not suggesting sawdust here; just add extra water, and bulk food with a little chalk or alum. Try some tea made with thrice-recycled leaves!” He presses the lukewarm cup into your hands.
  3. “You know, I’ve heard that smoking helps people eat less,” states your brother, who smells subtly of burnt dignity. “Ergo, we should encourage everyone to take up the habit. We could even add extra appetite suppressants to cigarettes and promote images of the scrawny, smoking socialist to help them ignore their stomachs.”
  4. “The true socialist is independent,” shouts your Minister of Agriculture from outside your window, where he is hammering chicken mesh to a fencepost. “From each according to his ability, to each according to his ability. We should make everyone grow their own stinkin’ food. Good comrades don’t sponge off of the system, at others’ expense. We shouldn’t have to worry about freak logistics problems. If everyone rose or fell, ate or starved, alone and entirely on their own merits, we’d all be truly equal.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, television executives are interested in turning Leader's zany home life into a sitcom.

2022-10-21 05:00

Making a House a Home

After the street outside your personal residence proved incapable of handling a diplomatic motorcade and Random Chaos’s biggest house party at the same time, your Foreign Minister has suggested that the state procure and maintain an official residence for you to live in.

  1. “It is absolutely essential that you have a home away from home,” insists your Foreign Minister, pointing excitedly at an interior design magazine from before you were born. “Imagine if the ambassador had been run over by that party bus! An official residence would keep you and your honoured guests safe from the hooligans, the thugs, and the public. In fact, we can turn the residence into a Museum of Random Chaos’s History, with a veritable cornucopia of cultural artifacts on display. It would be a perfect reconstruction of our glory days and as an added bonus, the police can keep the kids off your lawn.”
  2. “Oh, please. I’m all for keeping government out of the bedroom, and that counts doubly for yours,” snarls libertarian and small-government proponent Agatha Christensen, who gets worked up if the government so much as fixes a pothole. “You can drive, or take a cab, or hire a personal bus at your own cost. A house shouldn’t be any different. Since when should the taxpayers be asked to foot the bill when half of us don’t even like you? If you want to be taken seriously, go and rent an apartment in Random Chaos City with a couple of roommates. Leave us taxpayers out of it, okay?”
  3. “I’m with the anarchist, I want no part in building your ivory tower!” declares decentralization activist Matt Jekyll, founder of several competing local governance associations. “What you need is to really get out there and see all that Random Chaos has to offer. You need an official, open, and accessible residence. Why not get yourself a mobile home and tour it around the country, town by town, like a rock star? You aren’t too good to talk to us commoners, you know — if anything, it’s the other way around!” He spits on your desk and turns his back on you.
  4. “Don’t listen to that traitorous anarchist!” pipes up your lazy, entitled niece who just woke up from a nap on your couch. “Of course you need a personal residence, for you and your family! Imagine a grand castle, complete with servants, a hedge maze, and massive golden statues of yourself! Your home would be the envy of leaders across Lazarus, and anybody who complains can be thrown in the dungeons for our amusement. Just bulldoze a forest somewhere and start construction NOW!”
  5. “Come on, the ambassadors love my mojitos!” drawls your neighbour, and now-legendary party host, Judi Putin. “What if, like, your current digs were just a bit more open? You wouldn’t need an official residence. We’d just use your place! My home is your home, and I’m sure all the fun people of Random Chaos would love to party with those foreign dignitaries of yours. Besides, I’m sure a few drunken ambassadors would spill out our enemies’ secrets, am I right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens who leave the country are officially classed as traitors.

2022-10-20 23:00

Expats Plea for Help in War-Torn Country

Thousands of migrant citizens and expatriated citizens of Random Chaos have asked the government to take them home from Marche Noire, a faraway country on the brink of a terrible and violent civil war.

  1. “We must co-ordinate with the government of Marche Noire in order to secure our absentee workers—ahem—citizens who are in their country,” says Abdullah Sparkle, your Minister of Foreign Affairs. “We must also create an emergency fund to assist our expats and help bring them back to Random Chaos. No matter where any of our people are, they’re still ours and our responsibility.”
  2. “That’s rubbish,” objects Darya Brewer, your Minister of Finance. “Why waste hundreds of thousands of chips in bringing those expatriated citizens back to Random Chaos? They chose to leave our great country; they are no longer our concern! They could have stayed here and been an asset to our workforce! Helped us grow strong! No, they’ve had their chance. You reap what you sow. We should cut any financial assistance we give to those traitors.”
  3. “That’s a good point,” says Jamie Harris, your Minister of Civics. “Our people are the generators of the economy. The expats should be allowed to come back but only if they stay. If we keep letting our citizens emigrate, then we’re losing our doctors, our teachers, our skilled and unskilled workforce to damn foreigners! Close the borders to those wanting to leave our nation. If they can’t see how wonderful Random Chaos is, then we’ll make them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, soldiers' positions are given away by the glint of their bayonets.

2022-10-20 17:00

Bringing a Bayonet to a Gunfight

It’s budget time and the military is in a fierce ideological struggle: should bayonets continue to be issued to the troops?

  1. “There’s nothing more terrifying than the sight of Random Chaosian steel!” asserts veteran General Fforde, while skewering one of your childhood teddy bears that you still keep on your desk with a shank. “The bayonet is a tried and tested weapon; having a blade at the end of your gun is an essential back-up. Besides, it’s hardly like they’re the most expensive thing in the arsenal. Also, make sure the navy and air force have them too; you’ll never know when they’ll come in handy.”
  2. “Really, this is how you fight a modern war?” inquires Lieutenant Mason, a rather suave junior officer, who then shoots the same teddy bear with a pistol. “Bayonets are relics of a by-gone era, kept alive only by old generals and LARPers. We kill our enemies from hundreds of kilometres away these days! The money saved by not purchasing millions of useless knives could instead buy us a nice new attack helicopter.”
  3. “Helicopters? Rifles? Nothing personal, Leader, but we only need an absolute minimum of military personnel for ceremonial duties,” declares Major Smit, one of your more eccentric officers, as she swats the poor teddy bear with a Zweihander sword. “Imagine our finest soldiers wearing elegant full-dress uniforms and armed only with traditional swords. Have them stand at attention at sentry posts around our great capital and get them to change the guard every afternoon in front of your residence. Tourists will be delighted by such a show. That’s what a military should be used for!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former royals stand on the street corner with signs reading "will cut ribbons for money".

2022-10-20 11:00

Someone to Watch Over Me

Princess Ásmunda of Random Chaos is to become a mother, and her approaching new arrival has birthed the topic of watching royal ladies in labour.

  1. “Watching Her Highness, and all other royal ladies, give birth is a time-honoured tradition in many countries,” says staunchly conservative courtier Marlon Chapman, Groom of the Royal Stool. “Tradition dictates that royal ladies ought to be sequestered in the court’s best rooms for a month to prepare for the birth, before holding audience for the court at the time of the portentous birth. Thus, we may attest that the child is the fruit of the royal womb and testify to their place in the succession. Of course, only those of the highest of ranks — like myself — should be allowed to attend.” He pushes away an eager duchess who is trying to shift beside him.
  2. “Quite frankly, that doesn’t go far enough,” says eccentric courtier Jill Huxley, framing the princess’ expansive bump with her fingertips. “A royal birth is a national event. It’s not just the elite who should be able to witness it. The whole country should be invited to see the miracle happen. Put cameras into the room, capturing every angle, when the royal lady is giving birth. Let the hoi polloi rejoice at home and in the plazas when they see one of their betters being born.”
  3. “What a horrible and arcane practice!” cries feminist writer Nikita Poindexter. “Their royal highnesses are still women. Human beings whose privacy and dignity when giving birth must be preserved. Some courtiers’ keenness on turning women into a sideshow in their most vulnerable moment is actually a bit creepy. An announcement after the baby is born will suffice.”
  4. “We still have a monarchy?” asks republican socialist MP Tabitha Wells. “We wouldn’t need to deal with this issue if we just got rid of the bloodsuckers altogether. I’m not saying we should roll out the guillotines, but send them packing and make them ordinary citizens like the rest of us.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Lowest Crime Rates and Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the big red machine has ground to a halt.

2022-10-20 05:00

Red Dead Representatives

High-ranking state official Stanislawa Hayes recently invested a lot of money into a multi-million chip uranium mining company operating out of the United Federation, a notoriously capitalistic and wealthy nation. Varying socialists and revolutionaries are stating that this is a clear example of capitalist corruption within Random Chaos.

  1. “Since when is it a bad thing,” ponders Hayes, “to make some business connections?” She pets the spotted feline curling up against her. “When in the Federation, do as the Federals do. It’s in the best interests of Random Chaos to foster camaraderie with our overseas allies. After all, it doesn’t matter if a cat is black or white as long as it catches mice.”
  2. “You, Leader, are too great to allow these bourgeois pigs to corrupt our magnificent socialist nation,” screams your biggest fan, barging into your office uninvited for the third time this week. “Random Chaosians put their trust in you to eliminate all of these enemies of the state and people! You must wield supreme control and oversight of all officials, in all branches, eliminating all who oppose you, your benevolent rule, and your beautiful nation! No one should invest in anything other than your rule.”
  3. “This shows that our state has been deeply corrupted from the inside!” monotonously chant ten students clad in red bandanas who have suddenly run into your office. Their leader continues, “Socialism is about the rule of the workers, the common people, the proletariat! All who have any ties to bourgeois-reactionary groups must be disenfranchised and violently removed from power. We, the Red Guards of Random Chaos, will ensure that every Random Chaosian is armed, revolutionary, and educated enough to understand how capitalist culture has stained even the most revolutionary of states. It is time to commence a Cultural Revolution!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has repealed elections for fear of 'mob rule'.

2022-10-19 23:00

Extremists on the Ballot Sheet

As elections near for governmental positions all over Random Chaos, polls predict near-certain victories for candidates from an ultra-nationalist party promising reactionary policies on immigration, crime, civil liberties and military spending.

  1. “Victory for these nutjobs would be a travesty for the people of Random Chaos and the democracy they cherish!” declares Agnieszka O'Hara, leader of the left-wing People’s Democratic Party. “We must ban these dangerous extremists from running for office. If they want to espouse their ignorant views, let them do so in the private sector. Our democracy belongs to the people, not the wackos.”
  2. “Pfft, it’s the people who voted them in in the first place,” says Doug Usman, an international observer of your elections. “If it’s the people’s will to turn power over to the extremists, then you should do all you can to work with the new parliament. Truly listening and acting upon what your citizens want? THAT is what makes a democracy.”
  3. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you: this experiment in mob-ocracy was doomed from the start!” claims political adviser Jyn Colbert. “Now any idiot with a loyal army of fringe-voters can come in here and tell you what’s what! You are the only leader our citizens can truly respect and for the sake of national unity we should put an end to these popularity contests once and for all!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ad-blocking has been nationalised.

2022-10-19 17:00

Public Loudspeakers Shrill With Controversy

A recent poll on putting up huge loudspeakers in Random Chaos’s cities for public government broadcasts has been brought to your attention.

  1. “This idea is brilliant, and Random Chaos can’t afford to pass it up,” claims Agatha Elgar, your Minister of Safety. “These loudspeakers can assure the public that the government is always here to help them. The potential here, to immediately warn citizens of an emergency such as an earthquake or a stampede of gamblers or something, simply must be taken into account! This could save lives! And I suppose, when there isn’t anything the citizens need to be told, you could always use them to broadcast patriotic messages like ‘Roll the dice!’ and inform the good people which party to join and vote for with newsbriefs and such. It’ll be worth it to strengthen the populace’s devotion to our glorious nation!”
  2. “I think people need to realise what this really is: brainwashing!” retorts Dmitri Lovegood, a wealthy marketer. “I don’t want to hear all this flag-waving hogwash every time I go out for a walk. But when it comes to emergencies, I do agree that something should be done to warn everyone: we should send out messages on mandatory miniature radios that you can carry in your pocket. It could tell you things you need to know too, like what shoes to buy and such.”
  3. “To be honest, I can’t see why we should put up with advertising at all,” says Julia Shore, an anti-business protester. “All it is is some multi-billionaire or politician somewhere trying to make even more money while the rest of us struggle to make ends meet. I say we ban advertising and... actually I say we ban the whole capitalism thing altogether! Maybe the economy will suffer a little but that’s just a minor side-effect really, especially when you consider that no longer will our children be encouraged to fill themselves with junk-food because some guy on the telly tells them it’s cool!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is Lazarus's leading manufacturer of intricately-patterned sweaters.

2022-10-19 11:00

Clasp of Controversy

Dustin Wiseau, the young and charismatic Prime Minister of Brancaland, did not shake your hand at a recent meeting of world leaders. This caused considerable upset among many politicians at home. While the Brancalandian embassy insists that Wiseau simply didn’t see you, many Random Chaosian experts suggest that it was a political statement designed to undermine Random Chaos on the global stage.

  1. “How dare he?” fumes your irate Minister of Foreign Affairs, as she viciously tears apart photos of Mr. Wiseau. “I don’t give a damn about any of the hogwash Brancaland is releasing. There is no possible way he did not see you! It was a personal attack and he knows that offending you offends all of us. Demand an apology from Brancaland,” she pauses as a somewhat concerning grin spreads on her face, “or else!”
  2. “That Prime Minister is a charming young man,” coos your mostly-blind grandmother, while knitting you a too-small sweater. “Of course he couldn’t see you; the clothing you wear is far too easy to miss! Why not wear some more noticeable colors? You should, as leader, wear an outfit that matches the national flag! And over it, you could wear this beautiful sweater I just made you!” She beams at a security guard she mistakenly believes is you and hands the guard the sweater. “All yours, honey.”
  3. “Everyone needs to relax,” murmurs Alice Brown, your Minister of Diplomatic Solutions, as she agrees to a draw in a chess match with your intern. “He may well have made a political statement, but instead of blowing your stack at Brancaland, why not sit down with Mr. Wiseau? After all, he may have had a bad day, considering his expression! Help him understand we aren’t enemies of Brancaland, and history will thank you. Angry responses never solved anything.”
  4. “You aren’t addressing the real problem!” exclaims Ebenezer Hawke, your germophobe Health Minister, whose voice is muffled by a gas mask. “Handshakes are gross and unsanitary! You and Mr. Wiseau have thousands of germs on your hands, and all you’re doing is risking infectious diseases! Frankly, you should be thanking him for not passing his germs to you! You need to mandate proper hygienic practices - nothing ridiculous, just washing your hands very carefully every ten minutes - and make sure hand sanitizers and protective gloves are readily available.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a video of Leader wearing shock-blue face paint and smashing an electric guitar in front of a frenzied crowd is on endless repeat on the nightly news.

2022-10-19 05:00

Conventional Wisdom

While planning the party convention for your re-election campaign your advisers have come to disagree on what the overall feeling of the event should be. They have turned to their natural means of making a final decision: bothering you about it.

  1. “One word: fireworks,” states Mia Cruise, chairwoman of your political party, holding a wickedly thorned rose to the light. “Banal political speeches and rhetorical niceties just aren’t doing anything; the people have grown tired of it all. Come to think of it, I’m sick of it myself, and that’s really saying something. We really ought to put on an honest to goodness show here. Lasers! Music! Celebrity appearances! That should really push us up in the polls—and more importantly, your opponents down.” She bends the rose until the stem snaps.
  2. “By all means, do that,” sarcastically quips your Minister of Finance, Tanner Kimmel. “You can give people all the bread and circuses you want, but when it comes time to follow through, no amount of flash will solve the real deficit: the deficit of trust. Give them the unvarnished truth, and spare them the unnecessary pomp and circumstance. I propose you read off a list of factual bullet points provided by my, and other, departments. For example, did you know that in the last year, no fewer than 39,280 deaths have been attributed to that marshmallow bill you approved a while back? Fascinating!”
  3. “WHAT?!” bellows your Secretary of Defense, Basil Roberts. “Millions of good, decent Random Chaosians are fearful. They face the perils of globalism and an uncertain world order. Now’s our chance to show Random Chaos what a REAL leader does in a time of crisis. Ride into the convention atop a tank, at the spearhead of a full armored vehicle convoy. Mount a three-story tall podium draped in a giant Random Chaosian flag, and promise our people the world!” He pauses for a moment as a vaulting grin creeps up his face. “Literally!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's customary to greet the monarch with fist bumps.

2022-10-18 23:00

How Now Kowtow?

Following an incident in which a newly appointed diplomat from a small neighbouring nation attempted to greet the monarch of Random Chaos with a high-five, people are questioning just how much deference should be shown to royalty.

  1. “People have forgotten how to treat their social betters,” says arch-conservative courtier Virginia Orbison, whose manservant holds a pack of ravenous hounds on a leash. “Giving proper deference to our reigning sovereign is the duty of every patriotic and right-minded subject. A bow or curtsy is not enough. Citizens and visitors must demonstrate true respect by prostrating themselves on their hands and knees before the monarch in a deep kowtow. Maybe then they’ll learn their place.”
  2. “I don’t think we need to go quite that far,” interjects Minister Chun-Li vanGogh, squirming away from the hounds who are showing particular interest in her. “I am all for giving respect to the monarch and their family, but there is no need to kowtow. With a simple bow or curtsy, people can show respect and maintain their dignity.”
  3. “Kowtowing? Bowing and curtsying? What century are you all in?” exclaims Prince Oscar, heir of the nation that caused the incident, who was recently featured in Monarchy Magazine’s ‘40 Cool Courtiers Under 40’ issue. “Why doesn’t the monarchy show how with-it and relatable it is by abolishing all protocol? It’ll make the sovereign of Random Chaos closer to the people!”
  4. “Or, we could just get rid of the monarchy,” suggests unconventional socialist May Kenobi, author of famously short manifesto Simple Solutions for Troubled Times. “Then we wouldn’t need to worry about how much respect to show the monarch, because there won’t be one. Simple.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pristine wilderness has been trashed in the quest for cheaper oil.

2022-10-18 17:00

Painful Prices Paid at the Pump

Commuters are complaining about the ongoing rise in gas prices, causing a massive debate in the government about what should be done.

  1. “Who cares about a few trees?” says oil executive Paul Wayne. “Gas prices are six chips per gallon, and rising! There is lots of oil to be found in areas currently protected as parks! Solving our energy needs is more important than conserving the environment. Just give us permission to go in there and start drilling, and gas prices will plummet!”
  2. “There are other ways to recover from the fossil fuel crisis besides ruining forests,” says environmental activist Victoria deCastro. “We shouldn’t just take the short way out and drill here. I suggest spending more money on public transportation systems and encouraging people to carpool - if people weren’t so reliant on fossil fuel powered cars, we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place, and if we start using less oil, the price will drop with the demand.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the monarch's main official duty is christening ships.

2022-10-18 11:00

If at First You Don’t Succeed...

After a close shave with a rabid gambler, a small group of apparatchiks in grey suits have gathered round the hospital bed in which you are recuperating to discuss the delicate issue of the succession.

  1. “I’m sure we’ll have the benefit of your wise guidance for many years to come, Leader,” says your Chief of Staff Natalia Pavlov, “but just in case the worst should happen, would you mind letting us know who should fill your mighty shoes? Not that such a gargantuan task would be easy, of course.”
  2. “In the event of your unfortunate demise,” suggests your brother as he surreptitiously replaces your recuperative health drink with finest scotch, “Random Chaos will need someone to look up to. Let’s face it, the country is full of wastrels who need a firm hand. That’s why an absolute monarch, with final authority over every aspect of Random Chaosian life, is the answer. After all, such a monarch can always choose the right trusted, older candidate of proven loyalty and ability to succeed them. I think I know just the man...”
  3. “No, you mustn’t!” cries your sister, yanking the scotch from your hand and handing you a grape. “If there is a monarchy, it must be regulated by limits placed by an elected government. That way, the people still get a say in how their country is run, and the person at the top doesn’t get overstressed. Not only that, but think what an unscrupulous person might do given absolute power: bump off loathed relatives, persecute political enemies and even destroy the country.” Noticing your brother grinning at her, she remembers she has something to do and sprints out of the room.
  4. “You know what I think?” declares Valour Wall, your chief of security. “All this talk of replacing you is treason, pure and simple! You must eliminate anyone who has even mentioned the succession at once, before they usurp you!”
  5. “I think science might have the solution,” claims your attendant physician Cameron Curtis, who couldn’t help overhearing the previous conversations. “With adequate funding and the latest medical technologies, my colleagues and I may be able to dramatically increase your lifespan. It’ll mean diverting funds from everyone else’s healthcare, of course, but what value would their insignificant little lives have without you, O Leader, to guide them?”
  6. “Even death need not be the end!” shouts one of your more fervent acolytes before being taken away for a nice lie down in a darkened room. “Why not declare yourself leader in perpetuity? Then we’ll never be without your divine guidance! Think about it. Leader... forever!”
  7. “Er, excuse me,” says your nurse, who has been attending to your intravenous drip and so far remained unnoticed, “but shouldn’t it be up to the people to decide who your successor is?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, construction workers evacuate work sites after finding sharp rocks on the ground.

2022-10-18 05:00

We Can’t Cross That Bridge When We Come to It

Several workers were killed and others injured in the recent collapse of a bridge being constructed across the Gambler River.

  1. “My client’s partner was killed in this incident and she’s demanding answers!” exclaims litigator Magnus Lawson, throwing a stack of folders on your desk. “Hundreds of petitioners, including many of my clients — ah, and the other victims’ families — will not be contented with the status quo. They need to know that their loved ones who go to work on these sites will most definitely come home at night. Instituting more safety guidelines might slow down the rate of construction work, but that just means more time to earn a living!”
  2. “Objection!” cries prominent attorney Sandra Sandler, representing construction firm Bricks An’ Stuff. “These destructive laws would merely hinder businesses’ ability to perform their job: providing houses to our beautiful citizens, storefronts to our busy workers, and hotel skyscrapers to our guests!” She pats down her suit before handing you a trunk filled with legislation suggestions. “Offer subsidies to businesses that perform safety checks, and trust companies to carry them out. They know what’s best, after all.”
  3. “Aw, as if we need these damn rules an’ stuff!” mutters greying construction worker Alex Aran, running while holding power tools. “Real builders don’t need them to survive on the job. Back in my day, we worked our butts off like real men, and dealt with problems like these on our own! Get rid of those stupid laws, and let us show these sissies how it’s done.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, engineers ask liberal arts majors "Do you want fries with that?".

2022-10-17 23:00

Piled Higher and Deeper

As of late, you’ve noticed a higher concentration of scruffy-looking protesters than usual picketing outside your office. After asking around for the reason, your Education Minister finally informs you that the nation’s PhD students have been on strike for the past six months.

  1. “Finally feeling the pain of ‘The Great Graduate Student Strike’?” gloats PhD candidate Florin Harris, helping himself to a drink from your liquor cabinet. “We’re dedicating our lives to improving science and the arts, all for the greater good of Random Chaos. And what do we get in return? Long hours and stress counseling while we’re all probably heavily in debt! Universities can’t go on without graduate students, so throw us a line for once! Divert education funding towards the salaries of all graduate TAs and researchers while eliminating our financial burdens! Without this deal, rest assured it’s back to the picket line for us!”
  2. “I don’t see what the problem is,” notes Random Chaosian CEO Ksenya Obama, perusing your liquor cabinet for the most expensive selection. “Don’t listen to that pretty homely dork. The free market always sorts these things out: wherever there’s a true industrial need, researchers’ salaries will become competitive. And quite personally, I don’t see any need around here. I suggest you take a page from the entrepreneurs of yore and fire every graduate picketer currently employed at state-funded schools. They can go back to being professional hamburger dispensers while our long-suffering universities finally have the opportunity to hire new students actually grateful for the chance at a job.”
  3. “What if universities could have their future scientists and professors without having to pay anything?” suggests your former math teacher, handing you a few bottles of saké to replenish your liquor cabinet. “Back home in Dàguó, we have a lot of prospective students who would love better-paying jobs. Put a halt to all government funding of graduate education while simultaneously making it easier for foreign students to immigrate. We could even pay them a stipend of a few thousand chips just for coming here. If anything, I think potential immigrants will consider this a perfectly heuristic decision for themselves.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gamblers with strange deformities like three eyes and tentacles have been seen prancing through the countryside where industrial waste is dumped.

2022-10-17 17:00

Waste Going to Waste, Says Industry Lobby

Random Chaos’s industries have an ever-growing amount of toxic wastes to dispose of, and doing so in safe ways is becoming prohibitively expensive, leading a group of lobbyists to try and pressure the government into changing existing disposal laws.

  1. “These waste dumping laws are destroying our businesses!” rants Declan Rikkard, head of the Random Chaos Bigger Business Bureau. “We need cheaper ways to eliminate industrial by-products, which really aren’t as harmful as people think, such as pouring them into rivers or deep ocean ravines where they’re harmless to us. Let’s remember that the products we manufacture make your life easier and more fun!”
  2. “A better way to deal with this problem is to convince the public it isn’t a problem at all,” whispers Jennifer Zahm, head of Scamcorp, an industrial think tank. “Fudge some research, declare that the chemical by-products from industrial processing and production actually make one’s teeth and bones healthier. Then, sell them to municipalities to add to their drinking water! Yes! This will not only save us the trouble of disposing of the waste correctly, we’ll be able to sell it at a profit! I can taste the money already!”
  3. “These corrupt, money-hungry corporations are only looking out for themselves and their bottom line!” says Nelson Fellow, an environmentalist from northern Random Chaos. “The government needs to enact stricter laws for how these companies can dump their waste safely, and when they poison the environment and Random Chaosians the government needs the authority and manpower to enforce harsh penalties! These companies make their messes, they should pay to clean them up!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teddy bears and pajamas have replaced briefcases and suits in Random Chaos's offices.

2022-10-17 11:00

Sit-Down Money

With traffic congestion on the roads of Random Chaos City reaching unbearable density, labour unions are demanding that employees be paid overtime wages for time spent in traffic jams.

  1. “Have mercy on us, Leader!” yells Dorothy Smith, honking her car horn right under your window. “I’ve been stuck in this damned traffic jam for so long I’ve forgotten what my children look like! It is inhumane to spend four hours every day just trying to commute to work and back home! I deserve to be paid overtime wages to compensate for the stress I endure!”
  2. “What is this noise?” asks your secretary Jean-Paul Karoshi, crawling out from under his desk, still wrapped in his blanket. “Tell these softies that nobody is forcing them to drive back home after work. People whose homes are far away from work should be encouraged to sleep over at their offices and only go home once a week or so. This would also help boost their company loyalty. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a quick shower. The garden sprinklers are on, right?”
  3. “I’m not sure why it’s government business what our corporate pay structures are,” observes well-rested CEO Naomi Han, whose commute involved a 15-minute private helicopter trip. “The labour unions always have one demand or another, but we can deal with these problems with hardball negotiation, judicious hiring and firing, and failing all else, water cannon. How about government stays out of it, and lets us resolve these pay disputes our own way?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, imprisonment is the leading cause of disownment.

2022-10-17 05:00

All in the Family

An unexpected letter sent by your estranged uncle was found on your desk this morning. In it, he details what he has been up to for the past several years. It abruptly concludes with him being arrested and imprisoned in Brancaland for a slew of criminal charges. These included selling diluted maple syrup, illegally hunting prized Brancalandian Geese for sport, and operating a business without a license.

  1. “I’m in a sticky situation,” writes your uncle. “I’ve been assigned to share a cell with a moonshiner named Cletus. His buck teeth are not pleasant to look at nor are his armpits pleasant to smell. I would be most obliged if you could use some of your diplomatic wrangling, such as threatening Brancaland with tariffs, to arrange for my release. Perhaps you could wire some money to my account to help me get back on my feet. After all, we’re family, and as the Brancalandian saying goes, ‘blood is thicker than maple syrup’.”
  2. The Brancalandian ambassador huffs into your office. “You must understand what a heinous crime your uncle committed. Our maple products are our national heritage and your uncle has completely disrespected that. He may be your family, but you must allow our criminal justice system to punish him as it sees fit. If you’d like, we can even give you a tour of the prison facilities to show that he isn’t being mistreated.”
  3. “This kind of sounds like one of those Tasmanian Prince scams to me,” muses your secretary. “Actually, that gives me an idea. Deny that he’s your uncle and write him off as a con artist trying to get out of prison. If we are to believe that ambassador, he won’t be in much actual danger there. Sure, he won’t be happy staying locked up, and neither will other family members now that I think about it. Then again, he broke Brancalandian law and I don’t want to risk losing my supply of Brancalandian goose down coats over this!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, motorbike jousters live young and die fast.

2022-10-16 23:00

Jolly Jousting Japes

A motley group of sportsmen, equestrians, and medieval reenactment enthusiasts have petitioned the government to bring back the sport of jousting.

  1. “It’ll be awesome!” exclaims medieval scholar Malcolm Poe, pointing to a painting depicting the ancient sport. “Bringing back such a revered part of our past would invigorate our cultural life! That said, we’d need to do it the old-fashioned way — meaning a full commitment to lances, armour, and fine horses. What do you say? Let’s bring the past to life!”
  2. “I think we need to jazz it up a little,” suggests popular daredevil Sarah Knievel. “Instead of jousters using horses and lances, what if they instead play on motorbikes and sports cars? Participants can even use a variety of weapons, such as maces and axes! It’ll be bloody, but we’ll have so much fun!”
  3. “This proposal gave me an interesting thought,” ponders your Treasury Minister Angela Dimitrov, admiring her reflection in a polished shield. “Jousting could very well be a boon for the economy. We could even get the gambling industry in on it: let people place bets on jousting matches while we take a cut of the proceeds. I doubt event coordinators will have any problem filling stadiums with people who’d pay top dollar to experience this real-life, exciting sport!”
  4. “Why are we only focusing on jousting?” asks posh aristocrat Emmanuel Lawson as he cleans his glasses. “Don’t you think times were simpler and better when everyone knew their place? There were benevolent lords in their manors, peasants merrily tilling the fields, even courtly jousts conducted by illustrious knights. Shouldn’t we do our part to make these traditional values a reality again?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, immigrants who don't like the taste of Random Chaosian Turnip Chips are immediately deported.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy" to "Father Knows Best State".

2022-10-16 17:00

Dying for a Kiss

Aria Murphy, a 15-year-old immigrant residing in Random Chaos City, was murdered recently. The unusual circumstance here is that her killer was her own father, who had executed her in an ‘Honor Killing’, for sharing a kiss with a Random Chaosian boy. The father has now been arrested, but he is showing no remorse.

  1. “This is what I’ve been saying all along,” says nationalist politician Gustavus Tavener in a tone that can only be described as a Frankenstein-mix of smugness and fury. “When we let these foreigners into our country, they import barbaric practices. Unless you want us to one day become ‘The Holy Fundamentalist Kingdom of Random Chaos’, you should set up a vetting process to keep crazies out. Maybe a profiling test that makes sure that immigrants share our values? Oh, and make the immigrants who are already in take that test too!”
  2. “And who defines this?” asks Ethel Chatwin, a human rights lawyer who is herself an immigrant. “What happened here was tragic, but we mustn’t be reactionary. Maybe if Random Chaos wasn’t so hostile to immigrants, the dad wouldn’t have minded his daughter dating a local! I don’t condone this murder, but the root cause here is a divided society. Throw some funding into celebrating the religious festivals and cultural practices of the world, and bring the community together as one.”
  3. “Am I missing something obvious here?” asks loutish thug Tristan Iglesias, missing something obvious. “Seems to me that the girl dishonored her father, and so her father killed her for the sake of his family name. I mean, why are we saying that’s a bad thing? How could anyone call that a bad thing?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is a crime to operate a combine harvester while intoxicated.

2022-10-16 11:00

Crop Circles Clutter Random Chaos City

After several years of beaming Earth’s location into outer space, it seems somebody has finally responded... by leaving cryptic messages in the form of crop circles in the fields around Random Chaos City. You tried to summon the nation’s leading minds to concoct a response, but only three eccentrics showed up.

  1. “Aliens! They’re aliens I tell you!” raves Felicity Locke, the Alternative History Channel’s most notorious correspondent. “Finally we can establish a dialogue with the great extraterrestrials who helped mankind leap from the stone age to the ancient monuments of old. This is clearly a depiction of their alien moon. We should study it to learn more about them.”
  2. “That’s no moon!” bellows Kvothe Shaft, the nation’s foremost authority on Battlestar Galactica fanfiction. “It’s obviously some alien form of surveillance, preparation for an invasion. I say we rally the combined military forces of Lazarus and just shoot into the sky until we hit something! We’re bound to kill at least one alien invader before we all die a hero’s death!”
  3. “Um, has anyone noticed that looks an awful lot like Random Chaos City FC’s logo?” counters Dr. Renee Barry while spreading aerial photos of the phenomenon across your desk. “There’s a logical explanation to all this that doesn’t involve aliens. The circles were probably caused by intoxicated farm boys. Actually, investing in a small program to teach farmers how to operate machinery more responsibly couldn’t hurt.”

random_chaos's influence in lazarus rose from "Unproven" to "Hatchling".

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, orthopaedics patients often have a bounce in their step.

2022-10-16 05:00

Ups and Downs

Trampoline parks are springing up all over Random Chaos, with legions of playful children of all ages leaping off raised platforms and bouncing off mats. Perhaps predictably, large numbers of injuries are occurring with a multitude of sprained ankles, a not insignificant number of broken limbs, and even a bizarre incident where two amorous braces-wearing teenagers became entangled and required urgent medical intervention.

  1. “One person per trampoline, no talking while jumping, land only on your feet, do not jump between trampolines, wall trampolines are for decorative purposes only, and the company is not liable for any injuries,” recites Achenar Chip, CEO of Twist-and-Scream Jump Park. “That’s what it says in our three minute mandatory induction video, and on the waivers that we make all customers sign, and on the big signs above the steel-spiked climbing wall. We don’t need a nanny state telling people what they can and can’t do, and if people hurt themselves then it’s due to their own carelessness. Trampolining is actually great exercise for kids. In fact, you should subsidise schools who want to incorporate our play parks into their school PE lessons. It’ll be fun and educational! Er... funducational!”
  2. “Nobody is trying to stop kids having fun,” snaps sour-faced parent Debra Ford, pinning her four-year-old son’s arms down to stop him touching a nearby balloon. “There just ought to be more stringent regulations of these businesses, and no legal weight to waiving responsibility for children under their care with a disclaimer. Fine them for each injury that occurs under their watch, and our children will be safer.”
  3. “Actually, stopping kids having fun sounds like quite a good idea,” observes algebra teacher Newt Onslaugh, decorating a pile of x hundred-question mathematics test papers with a total of (sin2(x) + cos2(x))(e2ln10)x red crosses. “Maybe if the government banned trampoline parks and replaced them with mathematics activity centres then these idiot children might be able to raise their academic achievement levels a little.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's hunting season on loan sharks.

2022-10-15 23:00

Payday Groans

Payday loan outlets provide quick loans to financially challenged individuals, but at interest rates far above what banks and other lenders charge. They have become the latest target of itinerant anti-poverty activists.

  1. “These payday loan and cheque cashing places are nothing more than money-hungry parasites preying on the weak and vulnerable!” declares placard-hoisting campaigner Avery Bach. “By charging ridiculous levels of compound interest, they put their users deeper and deeper into debt! You must intervene and govern the entire loan business: set maximum interest rates, lessen fees charged for their services, and impose heavy fines on violators!”
  2. “It’s none of the government’s business what I charge in terms of interest rates and fees; this is supposed to be a free market, is it not?” bemoans payday loan magnate Cashius Chekov. “I provide an invaluable service to people who need quick funds, for important things like leaky roofs, bicycle accidents, Eckie-Ecola sales... important things. Charging 40% interest isn’t exorbitant; you can tell by the lines of happy clients who visit us every day! Stay out of our business, and we’ll stay out of yours.”
  3. “Payday loan and cheque cashing institutions are notorious for money laundering and other dubious activities,” scowls Chief Detective Florin Gilligan of the Random Chaos City Police Department. “Do you know how many phony cheques are cashed, or criminal activities are facilitated through the North-Northwestern Union money transfer service? If you want to help stymie crime, just shut down the entire industry. People can use banks, which have much more stringent security procedures.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, families must live in a village for a century before they get any say in how it runs.

2022-10-15 18:00

The Bells! The Bells!

Random Chaos City media personality Xanatos Clarke recently bought a holiday cottage in the rustic village of Hambridge, but after actually spending his first weekend there, he is publicly complaining that the “din” of bell-ringing from the village’s famous belfry is spoiling the peace and quiet to which he feels legally entitled.

  1. “It’s simple, daahling,” intones Clarke, turning on the charm that made him famous. “When I invested in that little refuge away from the hustle and bustle of the city, nothing was said about the scenic belfry being still in use, so why should I have to put up with that racket? Honestly, bells at 7:00 am on a Saturday? The nuisance laws need to be tightened up... and then maybe we can get a few other problems with the village fixed, too.”
  2. “Tis proper preposterous,” argues villager Giles Bowyer, whose family has farmed near Hambridge for generations. “Us everyday farming folk have been ringing Changes on our bells here regular since time afore memory. Why should we have to stop now, just-a-cause some danged newcomer doesn’t like the sweet sound? Make a law that protects local traditions from these kind o’ people, or they’ll be after us to stop spreading muck on the fields nextly, rot my turnips if they isn’t!”
  3. “The real problem here isn’t just a town-and-country clash of expectations,” your decidedly blue-collar Communities Minister Iris Quimby interjects angrily. “It’s a clash of rich versus poor! This whole business of wealthy people buying extra homes for themselves in places where working-class folks live just smacks of class warfare! You must forbid that, and make those rich pigs stay in their own neighborhoods. They have enough without taking what’s ours!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens can freely debate whether Leader is a great leader or the greatest leader.

2022-10-15 11:00

Leader: The Musical!

Last night, the students of Random Chaos City Central High School performed a spirited rendition of the play ‘Leader: Glorious Hero of Random Chaos’. Horrifyingly, they turned it into a musical parody — with you as the villain instead of the hero.

  1. “See, this is what happens when we let people make decisions on their own,” complains Propaganda Minister Lloyd Webster, idly twirling his oversized prop mustache. “We gave these kids the freedom to perform a variety of theatrical productions, ranging from ‘Leader: The Amazing Couldn’t-Be-Cooler Dreamboat’ to ‘The Sun Shines From Leader’s Every Orifice’. Instead, they turned our most beloved national hagiography into a vulgar parody where you torture dissidents and sing about sending innocent people to the gulags! Drag these teenage reprobates and the school administrators to a re-education camp, where they can labor until they learn that you are a kind and merciful leader who only wants the best for our people.”
  2. “Please! I didn’t know about those rewrites that the students made,” pleads Principal Bobbie Posse, who was brought before you in chains. “It’s normal for teenagers to go through a rebellious phase. If this wretched worm before you might make a suggestion, perhaps a small amount of political satire would be a good thing! Allowing your unworthy subjects a little more freedom of expression, in small venues below a mighty personage’s notice, would show that you’re a good sport with a sense of humor — and ample reserves of forgiveness toward those of us who can never hope to live up to your magnificent example.”
  3. “I actually liked the part where you slaughtered your enemies and literally danced on their graves,” enthuses Julian Paymore, your Minister of Cruel and Unusual Punishments, who appears to be sketching either costumes or new ideas for torture devices in a notebook. “It would be a shame to waste all that raw talent by sending them to break rocks in a quarry. If those troublesome teens think it’s so fun to write clever songs, we’ll just make them do that for the rest of their lives. I’m sure that our Ironic Punishments Division can find jobs for them on the ‘Fawning Adulation for Leader Smile-Time Variety Hour’ or a similar program. They’ll really hate that.”
  4. Lyricist and composer Stephanie Soundheimer, who has been shackled to a piano until she writes a version of ‘Send in the Leader’ that doesn’t have a bittersweet counterpoint, plays a scale for attention. “Ain’t it a shame. You should cut slack. Rather than have people say, you are a hack. ‘Oh, what a clown!’ Want to make friends? Here and abroad? Fool everyone so they believe you’re not flawed. ‘Are they a clown? They’re not a clown.’ We’ll remove parts where you can’t spell, and all of their insults about how they think that you smell. Cast a big star to play you and send it on a tour. We’ll earn some cash, that I am sure. It is just farce! Reasons are clear: you will get all the cash that you want; people will cheer. So turn ’round that frown. In cash, you will drown. At least ’til next year.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, panels from bankrupt rooftop solar companies are used as props for sci-fi B-movies.

2022-10-15 05:00

Watts Up With Rooftop Solar

As residential rooftop solar is increasing in popularity, Random Chaos Gas and Electric (RCG&E) has begun to offer resistance to the current billing structure, complaining that households’ electric bills are so low they can no longer afford to maintain the grid. With rhetoric on all sides becoming increasingly high voltage, RCG&E is asking you to approve a change in their fee structure.

  1. CEO Joule Ohm of RCG&E sweeps the papers off your desk, slams down his proposed fee structure, and then begins to speak, “If we are to maintain the grid while keeping power affordable for the poor, there has to be a change to the system. We need a flat grid fee charged monthly to all households regardless of energy use. With a grid fee, we can reduce the per kilowatt usage fee, so most users will hardly notice the difference.”
  2. “I couldn’t think of a better plan to kill my business!” yells Kristian McClaine, the amped-up CEO of Sol Invictus, Random Chaos’s biggest rooftop solar installation company. “If the power company charges you a huge fee no matter how much power you use, who will want solar panels? I have a bright solution. If RCG&E needs more money, let them raise the per kilowatt usage fees for everyone. But we need electricity meters in every household to track energy usage and whether homes with solar panels are producing surplus power to sell back to the grid. Let’s let the market determine the price of power!”
  3. “I could think of a better way to kill solar,” wheezes Rebecca Sorin, the octogenarian CEO of Relaxed Diamond Coal Company. “Ban it! Rooftop solar panels are eyesores, and they’re driving out Random Chaos’s mom and pop coal companies. No more, I say! We’re blessed with plentiful coal deposits; let’s use them to make cheap, local power. As for those global warming alarmists, why, the weatherman can’t even predict tomorrow’s weather, never mind the weather 50 years from now.”
  4. “This problem needs a solution grasped from the future, not grounded in the industrial revolution!” declares celebrity green-energy venture capitalist Melon Husk. “My company is beginning to develop initial prototypes for large-capacity home-use batteries. However, to make this viable in the near future, we just need a smidgen of government subsidies for research and production. I think the batteries we’ll develop will be affordable and, combined with solar panels, they’ll almost certainly be able to provide households with their energy demands. I’m pretty sure we can make power lines a thing of the past!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dessert dishes make up the Random Chaosian breakfast menu.

2022-10-14 23:00

Get Baked

While strolling through the annual bake sale at your niece’s school, you couldn’t help but overhear a heated argument between two of the mothers at a nearby snickerdoodle-and-cupcake display.

  1. “Ruby, I don’t care how much kale you put into those cupcakes; we just shouldn’t be feeding this much sugar to children,” lectures one gaunt-looking mother, waving a carrot in exasperation. She catches a glimpse of you out of the corner of her eye and turns to you. “Leader! You must regulate all junk food going to our children at school! If we need a fundraiser, we can sell fruits and vegetables instead of this high-calorie, low energy bull...”
  2. “Oh my, Iris, you must watch your mouth! There are children in here!” complains her dumpling-shaped counterpart, hip-bumping her way to a centre-stage position in the conversation and sending the previous speaker flying into a tower of rice cereal treats. “You can’t get rid of this sugary goodness! These kids love it. If anything, we need MORE sugar, and some help for businesses that provide the sweet treats that bring so much happiness. Who cares if people are gaining weight? That’s just evolution.”
  3. “Evolution? That’s what this is about?” interjects Alina, local Violetist and busybody, showing up from behind a display of savoury doughnuts in the shape of a Violetist religious symbol. “The Holy Purple Passages state that ‘Sweetness Is Not Virtue, and You Shall Not Consume the Fruit of the Cane.’ Maybe that’s not exactly correct, but you get my point! Ban desserts entirely!”
  4. “AAAAAAAAAAARGH!” screams your niece, causing everyone to suddenly turn to her. “Thank you! Who cares what kids eat? It should be our choice alone if we want to eat cookies and candy all the time, not yours! Give children the choice to put whatever food we want in our bodies, it’s the only way!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a light facial coating of soot is seen as the mark of an honest and hardworking man.

2022-10-14 17:00

Hobby Lobby

A recent poll has suggested that many ordinary people don’t consider national leader Leader to be very ‘relatable’. Your advisers are perplexed as to the reasons why, and have suggested that taking up a hobby might boost your ratings, as well as tell the people what sort of person you are.

  1. “Everybody in Lazarus loves basketball,” exaggerates famed athlete Kim McFly, dribbling on your carpet. “Catch! Pass it here! Look at that: Nothing but net.”
  2. Dance instructor Tadek Spirit waltzes into your office. He takes your hand and begins a foxtrot. “Isn’t this invigorating? Come, let me teach you to pirouette around delicate situations you may encounter.”
  3. “Crikey!” nature documentarian Wendy Bronte exclaims, creeping into your office. “What we’ve got ‘ere is a politician in its natural ‘abitat. If only it would get outside and let its wild side out, it wouldn’t have near so many national crises to deal with.”
  4. Your nephew appears and rolls a set of dice on your desk. “According to my manual of Castles & Kobolds, I just rolled a 20 on my Charisma-check for you to game with me. Come on, we need a healer: got a fizzy Eckie-Cola here with your name on it.”
  5. Flat-cap wearing Heritage Locomotive Enthusiast Barry Hart snorts in laughter at the geekiness on display. “You’ll be wantin’ a proper hobby: model engines, to show yer love of craftsmanship, and of steel, steam and smoke.”
  6. “Just tell them your hobbies are reading, and walking, and socialising,” suggests CV-writer Hugo Ono. “That way nobody can judge you or form conclusions about you.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, professionals are ready to retire by the time they receive permission to use their credentials.

2022-10-14 11:00

All Systems Post-Nominal

After several avoidable deaths were blamed on the incompetent medical advice of “Marius Ebert MD”, an individual operating from a shady office on the outskirts of Random Chaos City, investigation revealed that he was using the letters MD without possessing a medical license, nor indeed any form of qualification.

  1. “I never lied to anybody!” wheedles the accused individual over the phone, from the bunker where he has gone into hiding. “I never said I was a Medical Doctor, and I didn’t post any signs calling my office a clinic. In fact, obviously, the initials stand for Managing Director. I merely gave advice to whomever happened to come by, and they paid me for my wisdom! Is it a crime to be wrong? Whatever happened to free speech?”
  2. “My diagnosis: misuse of post-nominal letters. The prescription: board certification!” pontificates Doctor Sashona Longfellow, president of the Random Chaos Medical Association, while scribbling illegibly in a notepad. “There are professional associations for nearly all reputable occupations: MDs, CPAs, even the lawyers with their cute little ‘Esq.’ title! You must require that an individual be certified by a proper professional association before using any kind of letters after their name, for the public’s sake.”
  3. “I agree that we need credentialing, but the government ought to handle it,” opines Anne-Marie Shatner, your Deputy Minister for Expanding Bureaucracy. “Can we really trust private groups to handle membership fairly? That’s just begging for corruption and nepotism. We’ll set standards that will be the same all across Random Chaos, and the paper trail we create — signed in triplicate and filed appropriately — will ensure we know exactly who is allowed to call themselves what!”
  4. “Occupational titles?” asks your protocol assistant, straightening his cravat. “Oh no, what the government needs is some new titles of its own, to recognize citizens that have served us well! Imagine — the Leader Medal of Freedom! The Random Chaos Legion of Merit! Maybe even bring back knighthoods and earldoms and duchies? That’s how you show some appreciation! Those are the only post-nominals that should be allowed, and the only ones that matter!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prodigal children celebrate as charitable bequests plummet.

2022-10-14 05:00

Don’t Tread on My Money

Kate McKay, one of Random Chaos’s richest people, passed away last week after a brief illness. To the shock and dismay of her two children, it has emerged that she changed her will at the last minute, leaving her vast fortune almost entirely to the Order of Violet.

  1. “It’s utterly absurd to believe that she didn’t make provision for her kids,” exclaims Orville, one of McKay’s children. “Why would she put that so-called religion over us? Those Violetists descended on her when she was at her most vulnerable, and she probably didn’t even know what she was doing! Imagine the plight of poor children left with nothing but a few luxury cars and a yacht! Leader, you must rule that the majority of a person’s estate goes to their family, so we can live in her mansion… I mean, live in dignity, like she always wanted.”
  2. “Kate’s money was her own, and she chose of her own free will to give it to us,” counters senior Violetist Tina Bullock with a smirk. “Our visit to her bedside was made entirely out of a desire to save her from eternal damnation. It was a deathbed conversion! The change of beneficiary forms we helped her sign are standard for all our true believers. Who are these heathen brats to demand a share? Leader, you must ensure all wills are carried out to the letter!”
  3. “You know, Leader, I have the perfect solution,” muses your Minister for Finding Extra Cash, Carrie Hawkins. “What if we just took charge of everyone’s estate when they died, and allocated it fairly as we see fit? Of course, we could exclude any undesirable heirs, and sometimes the fairest distribution might be to the poor needy coffers of our dear government. At the very least we’ll need to charge a fee for providing such a necessary and impartial service!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children as young as eight can be found working in factories.

2022-10-13 23:00

Tykes With Tools?

A controversial newspaper investigation reveals that as many as 30% of all children are employed in a dangerous environment.

  1. Magnus LeChiffre, an orphanage foster parent, says, “Child labor should be outlawed! Too many times I have received children who only know manual labor. We have to give these children an education and a chance at a real future. Think of the children!” Sandra Savage, a bum on the street, agrees, “Forget about what’s best for the children. They’re stealing my work! The only way to get an entry job in this market is to either be younger than 12 and willing to work for nothing, or to knock off a kid and be there to fill the opening, and still be willing to work for nothing.”
  2. Unemployed parent Ami Atwood begs that you keep child labor legal. “You can’t outlaw child labor; we need the extra money that my 13 children earn. Since both my spouse and I were laid off, the only way to get enough money to feed both of us is to have all of our kids employed. In fact, with the downswing in the economy we’re expecting another kid to close the gap.”
  3. Fat cat factory owner Emil Gilbreth steps over the bum in the street and explains, “You don’t understand. You shouldn’t make child labor illegal, you should subsidize it. By employing these kids I’m giving them valuable life lessons. I didn’t go to school and see where I am now? I’m giving them work experience, making them highly employable for the 15 years of their expected lives.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the police crack down on tax evaders without mercy.

2022-10-13 17:00

Taxpayers on Strike!

The latest budget reports have marked a steady decline in Random Chaos’s monthly income. A study initiated by your treasurers has revealed that many of your nation’s citizens are not paying their taxes.

  1. “Damn right we’re not!” exclaims Milo Picard, one of many citizens protesting in front of your office. “Your oppressively high taxes are picking our pockets and robbing us of our livelihood. No more, we say! The government may call us tax cheats, but that’s just because it’s afraid to call us the PATRIOTS that we are! Cut the tax rate, and we’ll think about paying again.”
  2. “Random Chaos can’t survive when people don’t pay their taxes!” retorts Sonequa Weaver, the head of Random Chaos’s Revenue Bureau. “Citizens may feel that they need to keep all of their chips, but the government needs it too! Without taxation, how can we build roads, schools and hospitals? How can we protect the people from themselves? We need to give the police broad powers to lay down the law on these tax-evading scum until they pay up.”
  3. “Scum is such a harsh word. Everyone has something worthwhile to contribute, as my mother always said,” says Ayla Delauter, controversial social theorist and fountain of homespun folk wisdom. “Even if they won’t pay their taxes, folks ought to have other ways to pay back into society. They could spend some time with the civil service or military reserve, for example. And goodness knows, blood and organ donation rates aren’t as high as they could be. A pint of blood or a good kidney ought to pay a tax bill right proper.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military parades quietly tiptoe their way through the streets.

2022-10-13 11:00

Concussive Percussion

While attending a performance by the Random Chaos City Philharmonic Orchestra last Thursday, 75-year-old baker Warwick Bouvier suffered an unexpected heart attack. Several music critics have attributed the death to the surprise of cannon fire used in the song “2012 Overture”, which the Orchestra was playing at the time. However, much opposition has been drummed up against the critics, and both sides have clashed just outside your office.

  1. “This could have been prevented, if someone hadn’t decided to include cannon fire in the performance!” presses Billy Harel, while he fumbles through a pile of sheet music. “We simply can’t allow this to happen again, and the only way to make sure of that is to ban any weapons from being fired during musicals and performances, and take a stern stance against overly loud music. Cannons are deadly!”
  2. “If anything, we should be encouraging the use of alternative percussion in music,” poises Georgina O'Bannon, a renowned composer, while putting a fuse into a suspicious looking stick. “Take, for example, the crash cymbals. Whose idea was it to bang two pieces of metal together to make music? Boring! Nothing entertains an audience like explosions, gunfire, and the sounds of war. War... that’s it! We should bring in the military to give all musical performances an explosive touch!”
  3. “She has no idea what she’s talking about,” claims Leif Ungar, speaking almost inaudibly. “Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you that a quiet, peaceful performance is one worth seeing. Like the crickets chirping, the birds tweeting, and the trees... treeing. I say we redirect some government funding to the musicians that make use of such natural and flowing sounds, to help preserve the fine predilections of the eardrum.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader's opponents have adopted dogs to chase away the mailman.

2022-10-13 05:00

A Dread Letter

Today, among your mail, a black envelope with a pentagram on it caught your eye. You opened the envelope, and the letter inside said: “Blessed Chosen One, I am happy to inform you that you have just been granted the Opportunity to Change Your Life. The magnificent energy of the cosmos is waiting to surround you. If you copy this letter and send it to 100 other people, you will be granted ONE HUNDRED blessings for ONE HUNDRED days. But! If you spurn these gifts — YOU will be CURSED FOREVER. Choose wisely!”

  1. “This is a disaster!” whimpers your secretary Cindy Belcher, looping her four-leaf clover pendant around your neck and knocking on your wooden desk repeatedly. “I had a friend in elementary school who failed to pass on a chain letter she received, and she came down with terrible chickenpox afterwards. This is no joking matter, Leader. You should immediately start making copies and sending them out if you want to protect yourself from harm.”
  2. “I’d bet my bottom chip that this is just another teenage prankster,” muses police officer Hosea Griffin, inspecting the envelope with a magnifying glass to check for fingerprints. “But we ought not let this scoundrel waste your precious time with this nonsense. Grant my department permission to track down and punish the senders of anonymous letters composed with the criminal intent to frighten or defraud.” He tosses the letter to one side, accidentally knocking a small mirror off your desk.
  3. “If anything, this shows you’re not taking your personal security seriously enough, Leader!” yells bodyguard Megan Murphy, a former army officer, who has perused the letter and is now patrolling the vicinity. “What if that scumbag had sent anthrax in that envelope? Or what if someone had sent you a bomb in a gift parcel? You should mandate that all mail in Random Chaos should be sent in see-through bags. Those who have nothing to hide cannot object to full transparency.”
  4. “Holy gambler! I can’t believe we spent an entire morning discussing a stupid chain letter!” chortles Steve Tavener, your Minister of Underhanded Solutions. “But, if these letters are so unsettling, this gives me a brilliant idea. Why not produce different versions of such dreadful letters and send them to our political opponents? Distracting them in this way could be a good strategy for psychological warfare.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, university graduates and new home-owners toil in labour camps to work off their debts.

2022-10-12 23:00

Underclass Drowning in Debt

In response to an increasing number of people falling into debt and declaring bankruptcy, activists are arguing that the government should take a stronger role in protecting its citizens from loosely regulated lending firms and in helping its citizens pay off or cancel their debts.

  1. Barry Kringle, head of consumer watchdog ‘Debt-Busters’ urges the government to enact new laws: “We’ve got middle and lower class families falling victim to predatory financial institutions and plunging into debts they can never hope to repay. The government must pass legislation restricting things like interest rates to stem the tide of people losing their property to these sharks, and take an active role reviewing all loan repayment terms.”
  2. “That’s just not going far enough!” cries welfare advocate Finlay Romero. “The government must eliminate the shackles of debt from our good nation once and for all! What we need are vast reforms of the welfare system then we can provide these poor, downtrodden souls with money and housing, so they don’t need to take out such huge loans in the first place!”
  3. “They’re irresponsible with their money and yet they’re the victims? Call me crazy but borrowing money and not paying it back isn’t debt, it’s theft!” scoffs Lachlan Dice, representative of one of the largest lending firms in Random Chaos. “What we really need is the power to send these parasites to debtor prisons, where they can work off the money they owe through hard manual labour.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, police officers that upset their bosses get assigned to 24 hour stakeouts of bike sheds.

2022-10-12 17:30

A Problem Shared

Bike-sharing organisations in Random Chaos are facing a bump in the road: inconsiderate users. From theft to vandalism, irresponsible users are forcing bikes to be replaced at unprecedented rates. The future looks bleak for bike-sharing, and without some swift intervention, the sound of bike bells across the nation’s cities may be consigned to distant memory.

  1. “The misuse of our bikes must stop!” exclaims Zeus Lazenby, the CEO of Cycology Degrees, an urban bike-sharing franchise, his two-wheeler tracking mud across your expensive carpet as he parks it against your bookcase. “It is essential that the police are given the resources to catch and punish citizens who damage or disappear our bicycles. Otherwise, our burgeoning bike-sharing scene will collapse even before it has taken off.”
  2. “Clearly, this is a failure of the private sector,” claims Dendi Sandler, the Minister of National Development, adjusting his red beret. “If such enterprises were to be nationalised, we could ensure that all bicycles used meet safety and security standards. By retrofitting every bike in the land with theft-proof components, auto-locking mechanisms and GPS tracking systems, we’ll be able to ensure no bicycle will ever be stolen or tampered with again.”
  3. “Nonsense! What those bike-sharing organisations actually require are more easily replaceable stock,” argues origami-lover Jennifer Archer, passing you a folded paper unicorn of unknown significance. “Inexpensive eco-friendly cardboard bikes would surely save loads of money, are entirely safe, and are fully waterproof and fire-resistant. If it wasn’t for user scepticism, we’d have been using them long ago. You could encourage their use by banning metal bikes, and with a few business subsidies.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, black market eau de toilette is made in bathroom labs across the nation.

2022-10-12 11:00

Scents and Sensibility

More and more people have been developing allergies — some severe — to especially potent scents. Allergy specialists and sufferers alike are asking you to stick your nose into this business.

  1. “Everyone knows that we cannot bear these malodorous assaults on our senses!” protests nasally-sensitive allergy specialist Rosemary Thyme between sneezes. “I am persistently surrounded by people who drown themselves in Eternity Is a Long Time or Channel Number 5: A Newswoman’s Perfume. Who knows what these allergic reactions are costing the economy due to lost productivity? Ban the sale of these products!”
  2. “While Rosie has the right idea, an outright ban is only one part of the equation,” gasps Lavender O’Dor, choking due to your fragrant aroma. “You need enforcement officers to make sure people are in full compliance with any perfume ban, which should also include body lotions, deodorants, the lot! My sanity depends on this!”
  3. “You want to tell me what I can and cannot wear when it comes to my personal grooming?” snorts neighbourhood narcissist Imma Mirorslav. “That idea stinks. Darling, listen, I have certain standards to uphold, and my collection of 250 perfumes are a vital part of who I am! If these nosy persons cannot stand being around my exquisite self, perhaps they should all hold their noses instead.”
  4. “While I empathise completely with the plight of these people, there surely has to be a sensible solution to this,” coos fragrance magnate Calvin Colon, who nonchalantly slips a few samples of his latest scents into your pocket. “I smell an opportunity here for fairness: just legislate that every workplace should have sections for those who want to adorn their beautiful bodies with my creations, and for those who prefer… natural scents.” He wrinkles his nose disdainfully.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, code enforcement officers circle wealthy Random Chaosians like vultures.

2022-10-12 05:00

Fine Time

After carelessly lighting several trees on fire while illegally camping in Barrysbad Caverns National Park, threatening some nearby children with violence if they “told on him,” declaring that zone of the park an independent tax haven, and branding you as a “fascist dictator,” local tycoon Jellon Mezos incurred a massive fine. Unfortunately this had little deterrent effect, as Mr. Mezos earns so much money that by the time the ink on the citation was dry he had already regained more than he lost.

  1. “This is absolutely preposterous!” yells your bad-tempered Minister of Justice Kendra Coleman, as she throws darts at a photo of Mr. Mezos. “A working-class Random Chaosian who received that ticket would have had to take out a second mortgage to pay it! Our current fines don’t affect these rich fat cats at all. I propose we make fines proportional to the income of the offender — maybe then Mr. Mezos and others would think twice before flagrantly violating our laws.”
  2. “The law applies equally to everyone, right?” interjects Mr. Mezos, having bribed both your security and your receptionist to gain access to this meeting. “Sure, I’m loaded with cash, but that’s because I’m a job creator — my factories earned it for me fair and square! Punishing me more than others just because I’m not living paycheck-to-paycheck is literally discrimination! Come to think of it, you should introduce flat taxes, so that everyone pays the same tax rate as well. You don’t want to be prejudiced, do you?”
  3. “What I want to know is why we punish such heinous crimes by charging some pathetic sum!” growls Judge Pete Kasher, better known as ‘The Merciless Magistrate.’ “The despicable deed of unlicensed camping in a national park is unpatriotic! It’s disgraceful, as are other crimes like talking back to a cop or not picking up after your gambler. We should get rid of fining people, and bring back prisons for all of these miscreants! Maybe then we can actually get some law and order for once.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Amnesty Interregional has condemned Random Chaos for ignoring crimes against humanity.

2022-10-11 23:00

A Request for Military Aid

A small nameless nation within your sphere of influence has gone on a genocidal rampage within its own borders, ridding itself of what their Supreme Ruler For All Eternity, Emperor Inigo Hendrikson, refers to as ‘those filthy Bigtopians’. Some escaped refugees are requesting that your government do something to end the slaughter of millions.

  1. “They’re killing everyone!” gasps Barbara Parke, one of the refugees. “I implore you to please intervene and stop this murder of my people! If Random Chaos has any compassion at all then it must help us! With these madmen out of power we can finally go about rebuilding our nation as a land of justice and freedom!”
  2. “Woah, woah, we can’t just go around being a knight in shining armour for every random hell-hole on this planet,” says Freddy vonBismarck, your Minister of Foreign Relations. “Should we send citizens of Random Chaos into war just so we can save a bunch of foreigners? I don’t think so! Now, I’m no xenophobe, but I’ve gotta ask: what’s in it for us? Nothing but the death of our soldiers and criticism from the rest of the region, that’s what. Trouble is we’re getting too much of a reputation for having a big army. So drop some of our military funding and let them fight their own wars. It’s got nothing to do with us.”
  3. “Well, maybe this nation does have something we need, sir,” says Lauren Croft, your Military Advisor, while perusing a giant map of Random Chaos. “We’re fast running out of land and resources here, so why not invade this place, kick out whoever’s in power there, and take over? We’ve got the military power, so why wait? If any of those hippies in the region have somethin’ to say about it, they can say hello to our missile programmes, haha!”
  4. “They have as much right to their own internal politics as we do,” says activist and peacenik Rex Kim. “While their actions may be deplorable by our standards, we can’t intervene unless the legitimate government requests it. It’s just an invitation to anarchy on an international scale, and nobody but a few crackpots want that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the ingredients list for most food products covers the entire surface of the packaging.

2022-10-11 17:00

Our Feta Which Art in Havarti...

An ancient monastery in a remote part of Random Chaos is home to the Holy Order of St. Ilton. The monks of this order are the only makers of Iltonian cheese, a unique variety beloved by many of your fellow Random Chaosians. However, with most of the monks getting on in years and very few novices entering the monastery, the order is at risk of disappearing, and Iltonian cheese along with it.

  1. “Please respect our ancient beliefs,” requests Father Rochefort Westvleteren, the indescribably elderly abbott of the Holy Order of St. Ilton, via a handwritten letter that he mailed to you so that he wouldn’t have to break his personal vow of silence. “The Random Chaosian obsession with Iltonian cheese verges on most appalling idolatry. The brethren of the order make and sell cheese only to provide funds for the upkeep of the monastery — we repudiate filthy lucre and all worldly fame. I don’t want our order to die out, but we cannot allow outsiders to turn our hallowed monastery into a common factory. If the nation needs more dairy products, you should allocate additional funding for agricultural education.”
  2. “This particular abbot is an extreme conservative,” explains Achel Westmalle, chair of the religion department at Latrappe College and a leading expert on the Holy Order of St. Ilton. “Only a few of the monks fully agree with him. If you declare Iltonian cheese to be a Random Chaosian cultural treasure and grant the order a permanent financial stipend, I’m confident a majority of the monks will be in favor of teaching non-members their techniques and allowing the production of Iltonian cheese outside the monastery.”
  3. “Our top food scientists have been working on this el-Emmental problem in queso shortage ever happened. We could get Iltonian-Style Processed Cheese Product onto store shelves in less than a Gruyère... er, year,” boasts Plutarch Berenstein, Director of Innovation at processed food conglomerate Frakt Zhein, makers of ‘CHEEZ! In a Spray Can!’. “However, we’ll need the government to relax a few of their more draconian food safety regulations first, and Raclette the free market determine what’s suitable for consumption. You wouldn’t Brie-lieve all the additives we have to use in this stuff to get the flavor and texture right.”
  4. “Don’t ask why the monks aren’t making more cheese, ask why this country isn’t making more monks!” writes prominent conservative Orval Chimay in a guest editorial for a leading right-wing newsmagazine. “The average young Random Chaosian is lazy, undisciplined, and directionless; a strict monastic life of fasting and prayer is the antidote to all of that! I call on Leader and our government to encourage more young people to enter monasteries! I do appreciate a nice wedge of Iltonian cheese, but the true benefit will be a more virtuous and morally upright society.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an enormous health awareness programme is underway.

2022-10-11 11:00

Give the Red Light District the Green Light?

After a recent survey discovered that nearly 40% of all citizens in Random Chaos are single, there has been an increasingly loud call for the legalisation of prostitution.

  1. “I just can’t get a girl no matter what I do,” laments acne-afflicted nerd, Edgar Patel. “If the cops would just look the other way about prostitution, it’d make my life much easier. Yeah, I’d be risking all sorts of diseases, but it’s my body isn’t it?”
  2. “We can’t allow this to happen!” protests Dr. Pietro Waialiki, senior pathologist of Random Chaos’s largest hospital. “Prostitution is a dangerous business and must remain illegal! People need to be more aware of the consequences that could follow like the risk of contracting HIV, chlamydia, or even syphilis. I say we get some funding for a large awareness programme on sexually transmitted diseases and maybe then people will act responsibly between the covers. It’ll be expensive sure, but well worth it.”
  3. “Not so fast now!” interjects daring entrepreneur, Wendy Cumberbatch. “Why don’t we just have the prostitution industry run by the government? By letting the government regulate prostitution, Random Chaos can force any patrons to undergo tests for diseases, make prostitutes have regular medical check-ups and pay a portion of their earnings to the government. Of course we’d still have to put more policemen on the streets to keep illegal brothels from popping up and make sure the hospitals are equipped to handle the extra workload, but you can always raise taxes to account for that.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Black Market, the Top 5% for Largest Manufacturing Sector, and the Top 10% for Highest Foreign Aid Spending.

random_chaos's influence in lazarus rose from "Zero" to "Unproven".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the state auctions off combat drones to fund war reparations.

2022-10-11 05:00

Droning On and On

A Random Chaosian drone strike in the hinterlands of Tasmania has successfully killed an infamous terrorist, Mad Max, notorious for assassinating your predecessor. However, collateral damage butchered dozens of innocent bystanders, outraging the international community.

  1. “These pinkos just love to make the worst out of positive situations,” moans Lieutenant Montezuma Barry, who oversaw the drone strike from the comforts of Random Chaos City. “Sure, some civilians were injured, but we managed to kill that psychopathic criminal. Had he survived, who knows how many more innocents he would have killed? Drone strikes are not only far more efficient than land invasions, but they also save the lives of Random Chaosian pilots. If anything, the military deserves a much bigger budget to research new innovations like semi-autonomous stealthbots.”
  2. “Does anyone care what we have to say?” asks the Tasmanian ambassador, Stanislawa Grant, rallying in front of assorted pacifists. “You have no business intervening in our lands; let Tasmania control what happens in her borders! Imagine how you would like it if we started drone striking your streets. It’s time for Random Chaos to back off and let nations settle their own problems. If Random Chaos wants to help, reparations for the grieving families would be a lot more appreciated than more robot assassins patrolling the skies.”

random_chaos was refounded in lazarus.

random_chaos ceased to exist in the_hatrackia.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's a common sight to see angry commuters with grenade launchers mounted on their vehicles.

2022-06-20 15:30

Road Rage Rampage

Due to the ever-increasing traffic on Random Chaosian highways, commuter tempers are flaring, leading to an increase in road rage related accidents. A recent case in which a very impatient driver attacked and seriously injured a slow driver has brought the subject rapidly to the highest levels of the government.

  1. “The problem is that our highway system is sorely in need of an overhaul,” claims social commentator Yui Richards. “Random Chaos’s highways were constructed with a far smaller number of cars in mind, and we’ve exceeded that traffic load by a substantial amount, resulting in traffic jams. Traffic jams lead to impatience, impatience leads to anger, anger leads to road rage, and road rage leads to violence. We need to expand the freeway system by adding more lanes to relieve the traffic congestion.”
  2. “You add new lanes, even MORE people will drive, putting us right back at square one!” counters Danni Yew of Random Chaos’s public transportation committee. “Instead of throwing tons of money at a short-term solution, why not spend it on improving bus and rail service and encouraging carpooling? Oh, and get more highway patrol officers to crack down on these violent drivers who pose safety threats to the rest of us.”
  3. “*BLEEP!* that *BLEEP!*” Catherine Gratwick yells at the top of her lungs from the window of her very large pickup truck with a gun rack mounted in the rear window. “The government should just *BLEEP!*ing stay out of our daily *BLEEP!*ing drive! They ought to let us *BLEEP!*ing rushed businesspeople go about our daily *BLEEP!*ing business, no matter what *BLEEP!*ing measures we have to take to get to *BLEEP!*ing work on time!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians look weirdly alike.

2022-06-20 09:30

The Boys From Brasilistan

A report from your Intelligence Ministry reveals that an illegal lab deep in the jungles of Brasilistan has created several clones of the infamous genocidal dictator Lee Terallihitlah, a.k.a. “the Butcher of Bigtopia,” and placed them with adopted families scattered around the world, including some in Random Chaos.

  1. “These children are a potential source of danger!” says death camp survivor Yui Márquez. “Think what would happen if one of them rose to power in Random Chaos and repeated Terallihitlah’s crimes here. They have to be put under surveillance to make sure that never happens. And if they turn out not to be as evil, then we ought to be monitoring them to protect them from those with a misplaced sense of vengeance against them. Either way, everybody is safest if we keep a close watch.”
  2. “That’s not enough!” yells Bigtopian human rights activist Dana Silk. “What if someone marries them without knowing? What if they have kids? Terallihitlah systematically murdered millions of Bigtopians because he believed we were genetically inferior. We can’t allow his DNA to stay in the gene pool! These abominations must die!”
  3. “What is wrong with you people?” civil rights lawyer Ivan Benteen wants to know. “Don’t we have anything better to do than judge people by their DNA? These children aren’t Lee Terallihitlah and they haven’t done anything wrong. It should be illegal to discriminate against people based on their genes.”
  4. “Hey, like, maybe we can use this,” says controversial pop singer Britney Speer, as she bounces into your office dressed in a bizarre mix of sequins, body paint, and fascist regalia. “You can recruit the clones to work for you and have them travel the country promoting patriotism. What could possibly go wrong?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former slaves find themselves being herded onto ships once more.

2022-06-20 03:30

Henceforward Shall Be Free

As Random Chaos has finally liberated all its slaves, nobody really knows what to do with them.

  1. “They should be free to live without violence and to work faithfully for reasonable wages, and of course, be good citizens of our nation,” says your top adviser, Louis Lyncoln, while stroking his beard. “We should grant them full citizenship and treat them like any other person; otherwise, they will still remain as slaves in their minds.”
  2. “These poor people were stolen from their homeland and taken to our land,” states your Minister of the Interior, Heidi Monrow. “They don’t belong in our society, and can only reintegrate successfully back among their own kind. We should be universally repatriating them back to the lands of their forefathers, where they can begin life anew.”
  3. “All right, we’ve liberated slaves, but that doesn’t make them equal!” remarks Marius Voster. “Let them be free all they want, but they’ll need to know they’re different from us. They’ll have to use separate beaches, buses, toilets, everything. Just make sure that we get the good stuff.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, slavery has been abolished.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy".

2022-06-19 21:30

The Properties of Property

A city patrician walking down a narrow street found his path blocked by a slave, who was carrying a large antique vase for her master and refused to give way. The patrician struck the slave with his cane, which, thanks to the silver gambler head adorning its tip, killed the slave and caused the vase to smash on the ground. While the patrician has offered to pay for both destroyed properties, there are questions being raised over what constitutes proper behaviour by and towards slaves.

  1. “That girl was precious to me!” rages the slave’s master, shaking his soft-skinned fists in anger. “She’s been in my family since Daddy got her in lieu of an old business debt. Why, the idea of some callous son of a gun raising his hand to her simply makes my blood boil burgundy! Nobody’s got the right to beat a girl except her rightful owner! This should be treated as a case of murder, or at the very least, manslaughter.”
  2. “With respect to my fellow citizen and slave owner, this is ridiculous,” complains the rotund patrician, taking a seat on the back of a wincing arthritic slave on all fours. “A slave is not a human. Rather, it is mere property, so what I did can’t be murder. To be a slave is to be of a lower order of existence, owned by a master, but also in fetters to the state and to society as a whole. A slave should be compelled to obey and defer to every citizen in addition to its master, who still has ultimate authority over the slave, of course. Have the law codify the lowly status of the helot, and we can all proceed in a more civilised manner.” He breaks wind noisily, to the discomfort of his human stool.
  3. “I’m not going to suggest we abolish slavery,” starts known abolitionist Homer Krugman, “but maybe we could put in some sort of bill of rights recognising universal humanity and the protection of the law? Something like making sure that no slave can be forced to work against their will, and that financial compensation should be offered for all work, and that no man or woman may be the property of another. Not abolishing slavery, nothing so radical. Just giving slaves some basic freedoms, like the right to self-determination. That sounds reasonable, right? No-one could call that abolition!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader has a wardrobe full of fake designer suits.

2022-06-19 15:30

In the Black

Determined to make their point strongly, an intimidating gang of Customs Police Officers and Revenue officials have arrived at your front door with sacks full of junk: home-copied DVDs, knock-off imitation designer clothes and dodgy electronics gear. All these are illegally traded goods, seized today within a mile’s distance of your own home. The black market is out of control, they say, circumventing both industrial standards and retail taxation.

  1. “We must break illegal trade with the direct application of brute force!” roars Revenue Officer Koa Oliver, incandescent with rage. “Send in the police force! Send in SWAT teams! Destroy these outlaws and punish their customers! Undeclared trade is tax evasion, and tax evasion is rebellion. Crush the rebels!”
  2. A cockney fellow in a long trench coat sidles up to you and whips it open in front of you. To your relief, the only thing he is exposing is a selection of fake watches hanging from the inner lining. “Cor blimey, guv’nor, the black market is just us geezers exercising a bit of cheeky chappy freedom! Duzzit do yer harm? No it don’t! Duzzit make people chipper? Yes it does! Just have the old rozzers leave us in peace, and turn a blind eye or two to stuff falling off a lorry, and we’ll all be laffin’ our way to the bank. Now, would you like two Rowlex timepieces for the price of one?”
  3. “He has a point... The black market’s size is indicative of a free economy’s response to government over-regulation,” observes Hammurabi vanDyke, a far-more respectable looking businessman, presenting you with some colourful line-graphs to support his argument. “Relax those regulations, and economies of scale will allow legitimate private industry to triumph, and the proportion of economic activity dominated by the black market will likely fall. The black market is just a symptom. Wage laws, bureaucratic red tape, excessive industrial standards: they’re the real sickness.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hammering a nail into a wall is an effective death sentence.

2022-06-19 09:30

It Was Asbestos Times, It Was the Worst of Times

Experts are pleading for you to act on the proposed disposal of the cheap and easy to produce wonder-material asbestos — previously universally used in construction — in light of the material being highly carcinogenic when breathed as particulates.

  1. “There are ticking time bombs sitting in the walls of every office, house, school and workplace throughout Random Chaos, just waiting for somebody to nudge them,” drawls Sun Murdoch, your public health minister, slamming a ludicrously thick file onto your desk, “And we’re actually obtuse enough to waste our time investigating methods of making headway? We must organize disposal teams and fund an emergency information campaign as soon as possible! Damn the cost and the manpower, thousands of lives are at stake!”
  2. “Well...” begins Anne-Marie Tavener, your director of medical research, rapping her knuckles against your office wall, and emitting a cloud of dust in the process. “The alarming health implications of asbestos must certainly be dealt with, and the materials removed. But you’d still be closing the stable door after the gambler has bolted. We seem to be avoiding the issue of treatment for those already suffering the effects of long-term exposure of asbestos. I propose you divert at least half of the funding you’re giving to a disposal campaign to boosting the healthcare and research services.”
  3. “These empathy-ridden hooligans are letting their do-gooder impulses cloud their judgement,” declares the slick Nelson Chatwin, representative of ACME Construction, whilst fondling his golden tie bar. “As long as nobody breaks this stuff then it’s all good, right? Asbestos has helped support the growing population of Random Chaos by allowing us to quickly build cheap, adequate housing, and we’re going to need to keep that pace unless you want filthy beggars approaching you on every street corner. And think of how costly removing the stuff is going to be! Do you think the national coffers can actually fund it?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is using tax revenues to provide jobs for the poor.

2022-06-19 03:30

Welfare Programs Not Faring Well

A recent lull in legislation has sparked the fires of some bored politicians. After reviewing the back-log of constituent complaints, they’ve come to your desk demanding welfare reform.

  1. “The process ought to be made easier,” says Inga Matthews, picking the grime out of her dirty fingernails. “It’s so difficult convincing welfare administrators that I am actually a poor, helpless vagrant on the brink of homelessness! When you finally do, you get tangled up in all the red tape, and you’re lucky to see a dime. The government should just trust my word and fork over the chips I need to survive.”
  2. “The current system is not very efficient, I’ll admit,” says Harley Kapoor, a local welfare administrator and esteemed bureaucrat. “But we can’t trust these bums to manage their welfare aid. How are we supposed to help them help themselves if they waste their benefits on things like trashy clothes and cheap alcohol? We need more authority over how the aid is spent, it’s the only way we can be assured that it is used responsibly.”
  3. “Get the free-loaders off the government teat!” shouts conservative activist, Lysander Redwood. “The free-market system says that those who work hard will succeed. If these so-called ‘needy people’ would roll their sleeves up, lift a finger, and earn an honest living, we wouldn’t be bankrupting our country helping them! The only sensible solution is to abolish all welfare programs, and let the natural, capitalist process take place.”
  4. “He has a point,” says popular political pundit Sandra Wu. “There are a lot of people in the system, and some of them don’t really need to be there. The government should be finding these people jobs, so that our welfare system can survive and meet the needs of the truly impoverished. Of course, we’re going to have to spend a few chips to achieve this goal. But, what’s a little tax hike if it means saving our dying welfare programs and the people who depend on them?”
  5. “Capitalism is the very reason why we need welfare in the first place. Laissez-faire policies would only make the problem worse,” argues political activist Ami Eko. “If the government took control of all businesses, it could ensure that all employees are paid the amount they need to live - no more, no less - then the problem of providing for the poor would disappear.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Maxtopian slaves are routinely sold as an optional extra for household appliances.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy" to "Moralistic Democracy".

2022-06-18 21:30

Immigrants Import Homeland Rivalries

After a series of bloody wars between the nations of Maxtopia and North Bigtopia, fights have broken out in the streets between immigrants in Random Chaos who came from the warring nations.

  1. “Foreigners are a major cause of civil disturbances,” begins Steffan Sullivan, whose opinions form the book ‘101 Arguments FOR Slavery’. “What we should do is make all immigrants, foreigners, and non-native Random Chaos folks slaves! I mean, who in Random Chaos wouldn’t like a minority slave group to do his bidding? Imagine! People could be bought and sold with your daily groceries!”
  2. “I am shocked and appalled at what my colleague is suggesting!” exclaims Attila Calder, President of the Civil Rights Union of Random Chaos. “Slavery? We should punish these offenders, yes, but send them to rehabilitation centres instead! As for the ethnic squabbles, programs in school should begin to stop these racist attitudes in childhood! All it will take is some slight fortification to the education budget!”
  3. A quiet old man stands up to speak. “Now, I may be a quiet old man, but I believe that these ethnic disputes are none of the government’s business. It’s not our war anyway, so it’s not our problem. I’m sure if you leave it alone, it’ll work itself out. Just think of the money that would be saved if the police didn’t have to be paid to deal with this!”
  4. “It’s not our war? It’s not our war?” cries (in)famous Random Chaos-born fascist Fanny Hill. “Well maybe it’s time it became our war! Random Chaos should take a more active, and by ‘active’ I mean ‘hostile’, role in international politics! This ethnic squabbling will be over when the war is over, and WE can end that war and purge the impure! Roll the dice!! Sieg Random Chaos!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former nobles are being issued new identities in the wake of the end of serfdom.

2022-06-18 15:30

The Noblest of Intentions

Outraged serfs are striking in the streets today, after the newly appointed Duke of Random Chaos City flippantly subinfeudated the capital’s West End to a wealthy foreign investor, bestowing upon him peons, mesne lordship rights and a lesser noble title.

  1. “Bringing back the oppression of serfdom was bad enough, but now you’re giving away our homes, us, even, to a foreigner?” shouts a mud-stained Engelbert Watson, proud WestEnder and this week’s executive officer of a local anarcho-syndicalist commune. “The only thing that outlander ever did for Random Chaos was invest in that so-called Duke’s business! There’s nothing noble about perpetuating the economic and social differences in our society. Down with feudalism! Give us back Random Chaos the way we like it. Boo!!!”
  2. “Frankly, you should be thanking me for helping Random Chaos recruit business leaders from all over the world,” drawls the Duke of Random Chaos City, laughing maniacally as he thumbs through one of his many passports. “Remember why we did this in the first place: to ensure an obedient and productive workforce that will help us win a place as a powerhouse in the international economy. Let us quell the commoners and teach them their proper place! Anyway, my old Maxtopian mate from boarding school is looking to get into cotton - are you terribly attached to Gambler Park?”
  3. “We need to return to the good old days, when a noble title was recognition of good blood,” contends Kendall Dawson, draped in the flag and failing miserably to rip a foreign banknote in half. “Our nobility shouldn’t bring dirty foreigners into the centre of our economy; the only people allowed to own businesses and serfs should be Random Chaosian through and through - people like you and me.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign workers are flooding in as chips flood out.

2022-06-18 09:30

Remittances Running Rampant

As Random Chaos’s economy has boomed, both the quantity and value of remittances sent home by migrant workers have been steadily climbing. Nervous nationalists claim that not only is money being sucked out of the economy, but that it is also directly fueling the growth of your rivals, particularly Bigtopia.

  1. “It’s all in the numbers, dear Leader,” suggests Jason Archer, your Director of Economic Simplification, as he frantically types on his calculator. “The increase in remittances directly correlates with a decrease in domestic spending. If we put an additional tax on overseas remittances, we could make up some of our losses, plus it will encourage more people to use their money here rather than over in that awful Bigtopia place. More money for you, more money for the Random Chaosian people!”
  2. “Where did you study economics, ye olde Isolationist University?” snarks bank CEO Monica Gaudí, sauntering into the room in a suit worth more than the average Bigtopian makes in a year. “The economy these days is global, not local! A tax on remittances would undermine our interconnected banking system, and weaken us in the global community. Basic economics says we should open up our physical and financial borders even more, to encourage our neighbours to expatriate and join our workforce. With no artificial limits, the potential for wealth and economic growth is endless!”
  3. After a brief awkward silence, ardent nationalist Tybalt Mendeleev emerges from behind a flagpole in your office. “I have three words for you: Ban. All. Foreigners! Immigrants are more trouble than they’re worth. It’s not just the remit-ya-doodles you talk of, but those people steal local jobs from the poor, hungry, native Random Chaosian! I bet most of these foreign workers are undocumented overstayers too, so none of this is getting declared properly for tax purposes either. We need to take care of our own people first!”
  4. “I have a... less drastic solution,” interjects your Foreign Minister hurriedly. “I propose a revamp of our immigration system to include a skilled worker policy, where we only accept the crème de la crème of immigrants. By carefully targeting highly skilled professionals, we’ll cut down on the remittances while still ensuring vital workers fill shortages in our job market. We get more high-earning professionals who pay their taxes, and fewer of these Bigtopian push-cart operators sending their wages back home to fuel their corrupt government. It’s win-win!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos's free colleges struggle to maintain standards in the face of overwhelming demand.

2022-06-18 03:30

Affirmative Action in Random Chaos?

After minority student Marek Smit was refused admission to a traditional, prestigious college, civil rights activists, conservatives, and teachers are up in arms about affirmative action and ethnic equality in education.

  1. “I think you’ll find there’s actually no problem here,” observes conservative speaker and hair care product salesperson Jenna Bonaparte. “A student wants to go to a particular school, but lacks the grades. Clearly, he should have studied harder in school. But oh, because he’s a so-called minority, it’s everyone else’s fault. I’m sorry, but the system is working perfectly well: What gets you into a good school is merit alone. Or, failing that, a generous donation.”
  2. “Are you blind, or do you simply refuse to see?” thunders civil rights activist, former TV commentator and unabashed publicity speaker Ned Hamilton. “Oh yes, it’s all perfectly equal, if we ignore the fact that this poor boy was stacking shelves to pay for textbooks in a falling-down school while the nice rich boys were enjoying private tutoring! Affirmative action is needed to balance out the very real disadvantages that many students grow up with! And there’s no better way to identify that disadvantage than with broad, sweeping demographics!”
  3. “I think you’re both loony,” says Sun Norris, professor of liberal arts at Random Chaos National University. “In my humble opinion, the solution is simple: make college education free to all. Why turn away anyone? Throw open the gates and make college education available to every citizen of Random Chaos, regardless of their economic status, grades, or work ethic!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, minorities play dumb to get more welfare payments.

2022-06-17 21:30

Slow and Stupid Is the Race

A book on race and intelligence written by a prominent, but controversial, geneticist has caused a mighty kerfuffle with its claim that some groups are naturally less intelligent than others.

  1. “Group differences in intelligence are purely environmental,” argues Phineas Biscuitbarrel, an academic and Bigtopian immigrant, handing his well-tailored cashmere coat to your intern and adjusting his ascot tie. “Performance results on intelligence tests are influenced by test bias and stereotype threat. Wealthy people who are better educated have higher scores, while the necessitous with their poor nutrition never stand a chance. It has nothing to do with genetics. Give minorities better education and living standards and they’ll catch up.”
  2. “I just said that poor educational performance reflects an underlying genetic cause, and that it’s not because of any environmental factors,” states the book’s author, Nomathemba Hackett, as she looks up ‘necessitous’ in a dictionary. “There have been observed differences between the average IQ scores of varying groups, which also show that these differences persist even after controlling for factors such as income. Throwing money at minorities doesn’t help them; instead you should cut welfare for these people to motivate them to study harder and thus overcome their natural deficiencies. This is the only way to help them improve their station in life.”
  3. “What a load of drivel!” declares Vladimir Neumann, a Bigtopian supremacist, proudly displaying his chunky gold ‘Bigtopia Rulz’ medallion for all to see. “The notion that Bigtopians are inferior to another group, especially Random Chaosians, cannot be tolerated. These ‘researchers’ with their absurd ideas must not be given a platform. I demand that you burn their books and send them into exile.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, public shaming has become the favoured form of punishment.

2022-06-17 15:30

A Polar Bear’s Tale

An anonymous caller recently asked the police to break up a party at Gambler City Beach, citing an ancient law that states: ‘Goers unto the coast must be accompanied by an ursine beast of white fur’. This antiquated statute, leftover from long ago, after an influential courtier had trouble selling two dozen imported polar bears, was never rescinded. A re-examination of the many frivolous and archaic laws that are hidden within the nation’s legislative archives has found its way to you.

  1. “This is a stupid law!” complains Severus Drake, who was interrogated by the police during the incident. “I was questioned for half an hour because I didn’t have a polar bear! Where am I supposed to find a polar bear? I’ve done some reading up on these old laws: did you know that in the district of West Random Chaos City it’s illegal for ladies to go out on Saturdays with a non-matching watch and handbag? These laws are foolish, and you should get rid of them.”
  2. “You can’t be serious!” exclaims Kitty Lewis, your secretary, who’s wearing goggles because she is within 50 cubits of a fire hose, a law that applies only to the inside of Parliament. “We can’t go around erasing all these half-witted laws — that would be way too much administrative work! We should just issue guidelines to our police officers, advising them to use their discretion about whether to enforce these laws.”
  3. “Excuse me, but you seem to be forgetting that these people broke the law,” reminds goggleless Chief of Police Emily Schultz, taking care to stand 51 cubits from the fire hose. “I don’t care how ‘stupid’ you think it is: the fact of the matter is that these people disobeyed the law! Sentence them as they would have been punished when these laws were written!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is hoping that medical aid will speak louder than human rights abuses.

2022-06-17 09:30

Side Effects

Gambler Pharmaceuticals, a major international drug company based in Random Chaos, was recently linked to illegal human experimentation and an organ harvesting cult in the underdeveloped, jungle nation of Kawandaland. Its atrocities exposed, the company has gone bottom-up, throwing Random Chaosian markets into turmoil, and largely eliminating access to inexpensive medical supplies in Kawandaland.

  1. “Gambler Pharmaceuticals was both dealing diphenhydramine and defiling human rights,” states Kathryn Glover, the Random Chaosian ambassador to Kawandaland. “While they should have stayed with the former, we cannot allow this to cause a fatal reaction as far as Random Chaosian-Kawandalandian relations are concerned. Let’s begin medical aid shipments to their country. While it might not be cheap, such an action may yet preserve our honor in the eyes of these noble people.”
  2. “Oh, I’d love to bandage up Kawandaland too, ambassador,” chimes in Ozy Mombota, a top-level official in the Finance Ministry. “You do realize that our economy is being wounded by this catastrophe as well, right? I agree that the situation in Kawandaland is a sad one, but we must save ourselves while we still have the chance. Instead of spending millions of chips on medical aid, we should use those funds to stabilize our markets. It might seem cold and heartless, but I’m just following triage procedures, and I believe the bleeding is worse here in Random Chaos.”
  3. “The actions of my former employers are quite repulsive, and have left quite a mess,” admits Velma Suparman, a former representative of Gambler Pharmaceuticals. “Do not despair for I have a fast-acting, extra-strength, non-drowsy method to resolve this! If the government could nationalize the pharmaceutical industry, then it’s only a matter of time before the markets rally back and we can eventually shift our interest back towards Kawandaland.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, twelfth-generation Random Chaosians are deported for not knowing Leader's childhood nickname.

2022-06-17 03:30

Ask a Stupid Question?

The nation’s strict immigration standards prevent foreigners from becoming citizens without proper education in the nation’s culture and history. However, a recent study shows that many natural-born Random Chaosians could not pass the same exam.

  1. “I don’t see why we need to hold immigrants to a different standard than native citizens,” says test administrator Ash Licorish, looking up the weather on the day of the nation’s founding for question 376. “We ought to treat everyone in Random Chaos the same and make them take the citizenship exam when they reach the age of majority. If they fail, they can be sent to whatever country their family originated from. If we can’t find it, just send them to Bigtopia; I hear they could use some cheap labor.”
  2. “Just let everyone in,” mumbles the laziest customs officer, Eve Scrooge, who is doing a crossword in the corner. “It’s too much work — I mean, it’s silly to hold them to a standard that isn’t there. Just have them pass a basic background check to make sure they’re hopefully not an Ultra-Violetist nutjob or serial jaywalker, then grant citizenship to them and their descendants. If it’s good enough for Random Chaosians, it should be good enough for everyone else.”
  3. “Don’t listen to that idiot,” counters nationalist speaker Kerath Bannon, recently named ‘Most Eloquent’ in the Jingoists’ Choice Awards. “If a person has Random Chaosian blood, then they’re kin and we have a duty to protect their precious lives. The only immigrants we should allow in are those that can contribute, so they ought to take the tests on entry. And since the children of immigrants won’t have Random Chaosian blood, they’ll have to take the test too. Families should be proud if one of them passes and can live here.”
  4. “There’s no need to address this so harshly,” asserts high school teacher Peggy Goff, writing an incomprehensible pictorial equation on the wall. “If we increase funding on education, with a focus on civics, there won’t be any more of these ignoramuses. Then the immigrants will have a fair standard to live up to. We could even offer free classes to would-be citizens to help them prepare for the test. A little education never hurt anyone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the citizenship exam requires years of study to actually pass.

2022-06-16 21:30

Friends, Random Chaosians, Countrymen, Lend Me Your Ears

After the Citizenship and Immigration Services announced that they received a record number of applicants for naturalization, people have once again begun to debate who should or should not be considered Random Chaosian countrymen.

  1. “Well, blood really decides it all,” claims armchair eugenicist Felicity Wonka. “Without the genes that allowed for such historical greatness, our ancestors could never have built such a fine country. To protect their timeless achievements, we must settle once and for all that a citizen of Random Chaos can only come from ethnically pure parents. Other races cannot pollute our citizenry, lest they undermine the very values that the nation depends upon.”
  2. “Hey, that’s absolutely horrific!” hollers Lachlan Dylan, a Lilliputian immigrant. “Random Chaos needs to be open to all colors, creeds and cultures that come here to live a better life. Nothing justifies punishing people for having the ‘wrong’ birthplace or family tree. Everyone born in Random Chaos deserves the right for equal treatment! And even if you weren’t born here, it should be easy to join the ranks of your fellow citizens!”
  3. “Anyone hypothetically can become a citizen, but they first need to fully understand our way of life,” remarks civics teacher Rey Longbottom. “If you’re not ready to learn the values that are the bedrock of Random Chaos, you’ve got no business being part of our Free Land. That means memorizing all forty verses of the national anthem and being able to list all 1,024 cantons in alphabetical order, like any true citizen of Random Chaos can. Only those who pass a stringent exam can prove themselves to be true Random Chaosians.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, meetings are often scheduled for "about four-ish" following complete conversion to sundials.

2022-06-16 15:30

A Switch in Time Kills Nine

A tragic train derailment recently resulted in the untimely death of nine people. Investigators have noted that the accident occurred the morning after daylight saving time went into effect, and concluded that it was likely due to conductor fatigue from the time change. You’ve shifted your schedule by an hour to discuss the matter.

  1. “It’s high time we made a change,” declares somnologist Dr. Van Winkle, pouring himself a second cup of coffee. “The fact is, our work days are no longer slaves to the sun and moon, and so our body clocks shouldn’t be either. The interruption of circadian rhythm and resultant accident risk are demonstrably deadly. Make this change, and you’ll be a legend in your own time.”
  2. “Once again, our ancestors were ahead of their time,” proclaims Ashwin Kardashian, a patchouli-scented, bushy-bearded historian. “The future of Random Chaos is sundials, and they should be the only clocks our nation uses! We’ll always be in harmony with the natural beat of the sun and our inherent sleep rhythms, no matter what our specific space-time location is. Yes, slight differences in each city’s clocks might make train timetables and computers and such trivialities a little bit useless, but isn’t synchronicity with the universe more important than an artificial obsession with seconds and minutes?”
  3. “No! Not the railways!” gasps your Minister of the Environment and amateur ferroequinologist Hack Reed, who is currently wearing a worn-out conductor’s hat. “Look, I hate to derail this whole train of thought, but daylight saving is not only a cultural part of what makes us Random Chaosian, it also holds a valuable role in energy conservation. With it in place, Random Chaosians use less lighting during summer evenings and less heat during winter mornings. You should not only keep it, you should also make sure that all who do business in Random Chaos are compliant with it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens live in superstitious fear of the mysterious glowing clouds that float over Random Chaos.

2022-06-16 10:00

Build Bigger Bombs, Advise Scientists

Top military designers in your secret laboratories have proposed projects to create nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons and are looking to you for government support and funding.

  1. “This is a necessary step towards the creation of a safer Random Chaos,” claims Westley LeCarré, the leading researcher. “Yes, it will mean large areas of land will become unusable as a result of the testing, and it will cost billions of chips, but that’s the price we must pay for our national security. Just think of the power we will have if we can turn our enemies into plate glass!”
  2. “Why stop with making weapons for ourselves?” asks Christopher Sato, CEO of Wendy’s Weapons Stores. “We can sell them to all sorts of groups and organisations: other nations, the WA, terror- uh - freedom fighters, anyone! And we produce our own for our protection. Think of the money we can make! I’m sure none of our clients would ever even think of trying to use them to influence our government with threats or anything like that!”
  3. “You want to bring NUKES into Random Chaos?!” screams anti-nuclear protestor, Hope Assange. “This won’t make us safer - it will just give the power to destroy everything to a few people! We must hunt down the people who suggested this evil plan and have them hanged! We must protect nature from the horrible influences of science. I say ban all new weapons research!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, replacement organs are grown in vats.

2022-06-16 03:30

Now, Vat’s Food for Thought

After recent leaps and bounds in biomedical research, scientists have revealed ‘vat-grown tissue’, provoking wild controversy over its possible medical - and culinary - uses.

  1. “There is absolutely nothing wrong that has been done here,” claims one of the researchers, Dr. Selma Suparman. “Vat-grown cloned human tissue is extremely versatile when producing organs for transplantation, and knit my booties if it’s not the tastiest and most nutritionally-balanced thing around! Beats me why anyone could be against it.”
  2. “It’s shocking and appalling that we could even consider adding vat-grown meat to the menu,” says Aphrodite Carey III, the one-armed descendant of a long line of devout vegetarians. “But, on the other hand, we have been waiting for this major medical breakthrough for a long time. Imagine it - no more waiting lists for transplants! This will be of enormous benefit to the healthcare sector. I just think we should draw the line at eating the stuff.”
  3. “By all means, legalise vat-grown meat!” says Erik Holt, a masterchef. “Some people say that it’s wrong to grow these creatures just to kill them, but that’s ridiculous. It’s no different than breeding cattle! What’s wrong is making them for spare bodyparts. Do I want a piece of me to have been grown? In a VAT? No. It’s disgustin’. Besides, it’ll raise the cost of my insurance.”
  4. “This is all abhorrent and aberrant!” declares Khethiwe Pence, the High H’gradskas of the Random Chaosian Unorthodox Church. “You can’t just create meat. It’s against God’s will, and you’ll find that pretty much every other religion will back me up on this one. Living things were designed to be born. Or hatched. Or germinated. And then there’s mitosis of course, but that’s not the point - the point is that there are some things that Men were not meant to meddle with. We should keep well away from the whole cloning business altogether.”
  5. “That guy has no sense of vision,” says Philip Washington, your Minister of Demographics. “Why waste this invention on healthcare or cookery when so much more could be done! Mandate that all new people be grown in vats! Disease will be a thing of the past! When they break, just grow new parts! It adopts the industrial method to population management, something we’ve needed for a long time. And now that we finally have the right technology, I say we do it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Red Cross demand for body bags is rising while sutures go unused.

2022-06-15 21:30

Unconventional Weapons Under Fire

A collection of citizens, civil rights workers, and concerned mothers have signed a petition to stop the manufacturing of the ‘BFG-69’ (AKA ‘the Organ Grinder’), a new rifle planned to be used in the military which works by shredding people’s internal organs.

  1. “Excuse me, but whenever has anyone ever heard of a weapon that WAS humane?” asks Colin Mitchell, ballistics expert. “These are devices for firing slugs of metal at people. It’s not nice, but it IS necessary. People are always so squeamish. They’ve already accepted the standard ripping through the body of the standard bullet but the moment something a little more effective is made they kick up a fuss. Typical. These nonstandard weapons should only be put into trained military hands anyway. We’re not making rocking horses here, we’re protecting Random Chaos against her enemies! Just this once, let’s try to stay ahead of them.”
  2. “That’s right, if we don’t produce these weapons we will be left behind in the arms race,” says Iris Sullivan, director of the Alliance of Rifles, Grenades, and Handguns. “These weapons are the future and it won’t just stop with the BFG-69. We’re planning on introducing the Bone-Breaker 4334-DX Sonic Rocket Launcher next year along with our anthrax grenade line. If Random Chaos is going to stay ahead of the game then it’ll just have to accept that highly destructive weaponry is part of life. We’d also like to sell it commercially to your police force and citizens if you’d just sign here...?”
  3. “No! This rifle is completely inhumane,” says Dr Moff Calder, leaning on a cane. “These weapons are unnecessarily violent - how can anyone condone something that rips apart your innards like this? How long do you think it will be before these new inventions get into the wrong hands? Shootings are bad enough but at least most people are just wounded. The BFG-69 and those of its ilk are lethal in the extreme and are completely unacceptable! We need some moral decency here and get rid of these unconventional weapons along with all the other shameful armaments like mustard gas.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the arms industry is backed by government subsidies and harsh anti-protest laws are in place.

2022-06-15 15:30

Arms Industry Demands Respect

Representatives of Random Chaos’s arms manufacturing industry have expressed outrage over the lack of public and private support for their sector.

  1. Interviewed by the industry’s trade journal ‘Our Weapons, Your Victory’, the CEO of Random Chaos Arms Inc, Hillary Picard, said: “It is shameful the way we have been treated over the last few years! Shameful! Our workers, and I tell you we have a great many of them, can barely get to work thanks to disruption by protesters and all that hippie nonsense. And as for this dangerous talk of ‘Ethical Trade Practices’, I say we need full government recognition of our vital contribution to the economy - relaxation of trade barriers, gun laws, and a crackdown on all these long-haired weirdos who try to shut us down!”
  2. “We have a right to protest against this evil business!” screams Matthew Weatherhead through a megaphone. “The arms manufacturing industry is a stain on our nation’s character and must be removed. How can we make money from the production of these evil weapons; how can we stand by and profit from the blood spilled by these abominations? The government must take a stand and outlaw the whole sector!”
  3. Your Minister of Trade advises taking a middle ground: “We can’t ban arms sales without harming the quality of our military and police departments, not to mention the economy. These hippies do have a point though - guns are terrible things in the wrong hands. We should implement additional safety checks on the groups to which the weapons get sold. That way we don’t lose too many sales, and the people are persuaded we are making a stand against nations who use the weapons for immoral ends. The arms industry get to sell their guns and the protesters get to protest. Everybody wins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, engineers are reinventing the wheel.

2022-06-15 09:30

A Slice of the Pi

Recently, a tech firm from the United Federation used a network of computers and the latest algorithms to calculate pi to an incredible number of decimal places, smashing the previous world record by several orders of magnitude.

  1. “We can break that United Federation record right here in Random Chaos, I know it!” exclaims excitable mathematician Ashwin Pushkin, dancing around you with a manic look on his face. “All we need is a great big network of super-computers, with customised software, and a year or two of dedicated runtime. I’ve got some ideas for exciting new formulae that will make Chudnovsky look like a chump. I mean, what could be cooler than mathematics and computer programming?”
  2. “Look, the pursuit of a list of numbers is just academic frippery and posturing,” moans knitwear-clad structural engineer Faith Wilson. “Even physicists don’t bother using values of pi to more than 160 decimal places, so there’s no practical purpose here. Government research and academic subsidies should be focused purely on subjects which have real-world applications and a sound case for projected economic or societal benefit. You know, like my underfunded research on drainage applications of composite 3D-printed concrete micro-structures with resin polymer interior scaffolding. It’s really fascinating stuff. Here, I wrote a paper on it...”
  3. “Nerd alert!” yells former high school quarterback turned fry chef Khethelo Dumas, shoulder barging between the two previous speakers, and knocking them to the ground. “Yeah! Feel that impact! Freight train comin’ through! Y’know, the best thing to do here is not to spend money on all this geek stuff at all. School of hard knocks, that’s the lesson plan these weaklings need!” He demonstrates with his fists.
  4. “Honestly, I’ve never liked pi. It’s just so... irrational,” says Minister of Mathematical Certainty Eddie Goodwin. “Can’t we just legislate so that everybody in Random Chaos uses a Random Chaosian definition of pi? Let’s just say pi is 3.2. I mean, that’s true anyway for a given curvature of space-time. Just say 3.2, and leave it at that, eh?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, caroling is considered a public disturbance.

2022-06-15 03:30

As You Don’t Like It

Duke Cheswick of Lower Random Chaos City-Upon-Tyne caused quite a stir this weekend after he had a traveling minstrel group chased out of town. While some fellow peers have accused him of being humorless, the Duke countered that the troupe was subverting his authority with their seditious acts.

  1. “That troupe’s impromptu performance was scandalous,” spits the irate Duke. “Caricaturing me as the villain in their little Scheherazade knock-off? The nerve of those performers! Do you think I let these thespian transients wander around my domain just to watch them humiliate our way of life? I’ve no obligation to provide charity to a bunch of disrespectful wretches. Leader, forbid these flimflam singsongs and outlaw this sort of vagrancy before some smart-alecky troupe comes knocking at your door. We’ll all be safer for it in the long-run.”
  2. “Have you no sense of perspective?” exclaims beaten and ragged minstrel Daenerys James, haphazardly waving a flute around. “Satire is essential for introspection! Don’t be such a stuffed shirt. If you really want performers off the street, let us musicians be officially patronized by the government. Just assign a musical group to each noble family, and our melodious tunes will surely lighten the load on their noble shoulders.”
  3. “Isn’t that what you employ oddfellows like me for?” grumbles grizzled jester Krusty Gambler, covered profusely in tomato stains. “Me and my mates, your musicians, clowns, acrobats, dancing poodle performers, you name it - we’re smart enough not to bite the hand that feeds us. Construct a grand theatre for all to see and adore us, and we’ll sing your praises loud enough to drown out the voices of petty satire.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaosian war navy contains an oddly large number of luxury yachts and cruise liners.

2022-06-14 21:30

Winning at Battleship

In an ongoing war that Random Chaos is embroiled in, your navy managed to capture something interesting: a huge but ageing battleship. You are now the arbiter of her fate.

  1. “She’s not likely to be a very useful military asset in this day and age,” explains shipyard director Cho Barry while putting some blue papers on your desk. “After all, she was pretty easily captured by our navy. But look at what she’s made of - seventy thousand tons of steel! Think how many cars you could make with that. Help us build ship-breaking yards on the shoreline of Random Chaos, and it’ll boost the coastal economy forever.”
  2. Admiral Graves, who coordinated the capture, has a different point of view. “Our navy has been sorely underfunded for years; this ship could be part of the boost we need. Back in the age of sail, navy captains who brought home prizes like this were rewarded and thereby encouraged to keep bringing home more prizes. Those ships would then be crewed, and made our fleet stronger! I think we should bring that system back in place so that our courageous sailors can expand our forces and prove themselves.”
  3. “Corals grow very well on iron,” comments environmentalist and hippie Matilda Mulcair, dumping her banjo and flowers for the occasion. “If we clean off all those horrible chemicals and oil residue, scupper it a few hundred metres off the coast, and divert shipping routes around its resting place, then we’ll have a nice, bustling reef within a few years! It really would be a poetic end for a weapon of war to become a bedrock of life.”
  4. “This old girl may not be battleworthy, but she’s still a piece of naval history,” gushes navy recruiter Steffan Tan. “As a museum ship in harbour, this awe-inspiring battleship will amaze folk from far and wide. It will remind us of our history as a proud military power, show people how outmatched our foolish enemies were, and encourage young people to feel the patriotic call of duty.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, park rangers struggle to deal with a rash of stolen pic-a-nic baskets.

2022-06-14 15:30

Take a Hike!

While you were conducting an operational inspection of a new Random Chaosian National Guard search and rescue helicopter, dispatch received a distress signal from a Personal Locator Beacon, a GPS-enhanced device wilderness adventurers use to request life-saving help. The helicopter immediately raced to the scene, setting down in a remote sun-baked meadow. Unfortunately, the distressed hiker refused rescue, saying “my stubbed toe is feeling better now.”

  1. Augustus Fellow, a National Guard rescue operative, is exasperated. “This situation is intolerable, Leader! In a genuine emergency, these beacons save lives. Now that they’re so cheap, more and more people are using them as a crutch to attempt dangerous hikes they aren’t prepared for. As you can see, we have to carry the huge risks and costs! Beacon users should have to register with the government, so we know who to fine for false alarms.”
  2. The helicopter crew patches an incoming call through to your headset. “Hello?” asks famed luxury safari hunter Beauregard Leopold Addington III, Esq. “You know, my friend’s manufactory makes satellite phones that can allow rescuers to contact hikers and assess the situation before calling out the cavalry. Sure, the service subscriptions are pricey, and your signa**SSHBZZZTPSSHFTZZPFT**ways get through, but mandatory sat-phones for hikers will reduce false alarms and are great for checking your stock portfolio from any summit!”
  3. By this point, you’ve been standing in the sun for a while, and a mild heat stroke is setting in. Wait - is that bear wearing a tie? “You know, expensive fines and equipment will only discourage people seeking help when they really need it,” says the bear while munching a stolen packet of Honey Burr-Berry cereal. “That’ll cost lives too. The better solution is to increase funding to national parks, with safe trails, visitor centers, and campsites. Then the common Random Chaosian can enjoy Random Chaos’s natural wonder without the corporations getting their grubby hands on it. It’s smarter than the average policy!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the climate agreement has actually increased the volume of hot air in the atmosphere.

2022-06-14 09:30

Pulling Out

Several nations that are party to the international climate treaty have been falling short of the treaty’s set targets for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. A few nations have even decided to withdraw from the agreement, leaving many worried about the future of the treaty and the planet.

  1. “Did they really just pull out and leave us?” histrionically shrieks Birgitta Morgan, one of your country’s biggest advocates for signing the climate agreement. “We must not be impotent; we need to compensate for the rest of the world’s dangerous, lazy indifference. We need to significantly increase our ecological protection funding while also trying harder to decimate carbon emissions. It’ll all be worth it in the end when our nation isn’t under the sea.”
  2. “We can’t just take this lying down. We’ve gotta give those no-good double-crossers what they’re asking for — death and destruction!” fumes Grogu Swallows, a radical environmentalist obsessed with guns and big bazookas. “Show them their economies really will suffer by convincing our fellow signatories to wage a whippin’ war against any nation that chooses to withdraw. Then we can whip our more negligent partners into shape as well. Hey, they consented to it; they signed the treaty.”
  3. “So, you want to help our planet by bombing other countries?” mockingly interrogates Catherine Gratwick, recent victor of the Annual Random Chaos City Dance-Off. “Forcing nations back into the agreement won’t help; in fact, they may be on to something here. If our treaty partners can’t keep up with the pace, we might need to take things slow and propose a reduction in treaty obligations to the other member states. Communication is key in a relationship, and it will certainly stop our friends from pulling out in the future.”
  4. “Or, maybe ya should just forget about this here nonsense ‘cuz it’s junk anyhoo,” rants an ambassador from the United Federation, thrusting a two-foot-long, fried, bacon-wrapped Mega Hot Dog Deluxe Supreme™ into his ten-gallon mug of Moonbucks coffee. “Even if clahmate changes were really caused by men, stahfling economical progress will only tarnish yer abilities to fahnd betta ways of doin’ thangs. If you quickly pull out now and denounce this here treaty for the Dàguó hoax it is, you will sure be much better off — just lahk us!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, carpal tunnel syndrome is on the rise.

2022-06-14 03:30

Failure to Launch

The Random Chaosian Space Agency’s newest rocket exploded shortly after takeoff, a tragedy many have attributed to the fact that its trajectory was plotted by slide rules and protractors.

  1. “Our space agency will fail spectacularly if we don’t have advanced computing methods!” prognosticates frizzy-haired head of the Random Chaosian Space Agency Esma Kettering, shaking nervously as she tries to perform differential calculus on an abacus. “You can keep distracting gadgets away from the common folk, but if you want us to shoot for the moon, please let us use computers on the job!” A row of beads comes loose from the abacus, spilling everywhere.
  2. Former computer manufacturer Karsang Riker hastily trips over the strewn beads. “If you just legalise computers for the entire nation, not only can you help our rocket men, you can help the economy get back on track. I’m sure people will be thrilled to download the latest antivirus software!”
  3. “If we want to keep our space program pure and full of national spirit, we need to find a solution other than electronics,” complains emeritus professor Paris Young. “This is just a tragic symptom of our citizens’ innumeracy. Ensure the next generation has strong mathematical aptitude, and we’ll be charting fresh courses in no time.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pet owners exercise their gamblers at a snail's pace or risk prosecution.

2022-06-13 21:30

No Rest for the Weary Gambler

With the popularity of gambler racing in Random Chaos booming, the growing number of retired racing gamblers being abandoned on the streets has become harder to ignore. As irresistibly cute pictures of sad-looking gamblers fill up the pages of newspapers, the time has come for government action.

  1. “We’re overflowing with gamblers here!” exclaims Michonne Weasley, owner of the Sunset Gambler Retirement Lodge. “And we just don’t get enough donations from the public to house them all. We’re now facing a choice between turning away gamblers, or putting them down. It’s the gambler racing industry’s fault we’re in this situation - make them pay for homing the gamblers they cast off.”
  2. “Not far enough!” declares animal-rights protestor Venus deJong, wearing a gambler costume to show her sympathy for their plight. “There’s only one reason that gamblers get abandoned in the first place, and that reason is gambler racing. These poor creatures get cooped up in a cage all day and are virtually starved so they race well, all to line the pockets of some avaricious gambling bosses. The solution is obvious - ban gambler racing!”
  3. “Hold on! Random Chaos has a powerhouse Gambling Industry — do you really want to give it all up because of some gamblers?” asks Bhooshit Lannister, owner of the Random Chaos City Gambler Stadium. “What we need is less regulation, so we can race the animals more often, and draw more punters in. Besides, the gamblers love to race, at least compared to the beatings.”
  4. “There’s a better solution to this all,” suggests animal shelter volunteer Charlotte Ruiz, as she fixes a leash to a gambler. “There is a problem, but it isn’t with the gambler racing industry; it’s that not enough people are adopting gamblers. All we need is a national campaign to persuade people to adopt a gambler - and you can set them an example!” Handing you a grizzled old gambler, she finishes, “Here’s Buddy.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prospective secessionists nervously declare how worthless and unimportant they are.

2022-06-13 15:30

Atomic Split

With your government allowing provinces to formally secede, East Gamblerland has declared its intention to become a sovereign state. However, the territory contains several military bases, and more importantly, a large portion of your nation’s nuclear stockpile.

  1. “Well, Violet on a popsicle stick!” blurts your Minister of the Interior, as she drops her half-gnawed spaghetti-on-a-skewer in shock. “Honestly, you need to establish some ground rules around this secession scheme of yours! We need to immediately deny East Gamblerland’s request for independence, and the same goes for any other region or province that holds anything of importance to our nation’s continued existence. Either they’ll happily remain a part of our nation or we’ll make them stay, by force if necessary!”
  2. “Come now, old friend, surely you don’t want to be seen doing anything as draconian as that?” coos the self-appointed Minister of Shakedowns for the hopefully-soon-to-be-independent nation of East Gamblerland. “Once you sign that declaration of independence, we’d be more than happy to give back those radioactive poppers of yours in return for a generous farewell donation to our new treasury. Surely any cost will be worth getting your shiny, deadly toys back, no?”
  3. Your Minister of Intelligence, whose body paint matches the room’s wallpaper, whispers into your ear. “Don’t be startled, it’s me, N! There’s another solution, you know. You’ll sign their declaration of independence to keep up appearances, and I’ll mount a covert operation to infiltrate the military bases holding our WMDs to render them non-operational. Sure, East Gamblerland will still have the husks that they could potentially reverse engineer, but it’ll buy us at least a few years to build up an even deadlier nuclear arsenal!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Gallery of Amusing Cat Photographs is the most popular museum in the country.

2022-06-13 11:30

Museums: Things of the Past?

A televised news exposé on the public’s shocking ignorance of national history was almost thwarted when journalist Murray Shafer couldn’t find any visitors to interview at the Museum of Random Chaosian History. The report instead aired as a folksy monologue. Within sixty minutes, your office was besieged by all kinds of people who claim to have found the perfect solution.

  1. “The younger generations are bored with the current offerings,” says recently-graduated psychologist Siddhartha Räikkönen, as he looks up from his phone for a split second. “When I visit the Museum of Random Chaosian History, I don’t just want to stare at some ancient objects. What we really need is interaction, and the best way to provide this is through technology. Children are more eager to learn when you use video clips and games to explain history. Imagine being chased by holographic velociraptors at the Museum of Natural History! That would be money well spent, in my opinion.”
  2. “The real problem is that the average adult appears to have forgotten everything they learned in school,” asserts self-proclaimed aristocrat Arcturus Woolf, while swinging around his wine glass and staining your carpet. “In fact, most people seem completely ignorant of whether Random Chaos even existed before you became our leader! How can you expect them to visit museums without an appreciation for history that is repeatedly inculcated throughout their lives? We need to increase government funding for ongoing adult education before expecting the common people to enjoy visiting a museum.”
  3. “How can you expect anyone to visit Random Chaosian museums?” asks Erica Edwards, who entered your office in search of the nation’s only wi-fi connection. “Face it. Random Chaos doesn’t have any interesting museums. The Museum of Regional Geography? The Historical House of Hammers? The Gallery of Uranium Mining? Come on! The fact of the matter is, the museums are boring. There’s nothing but mundane themes, dull exhibitions, and tiresome pieces. Let’s build some new, up-to-date museums with things we’d all like to see.”
  4. “Why bother?” moans known troublemaker and small-government enthusiast Karl Looney, who managed to slip past security. “Museums are a waste of time and a symbol of stolen taxpayer money. Let’s just get rid of them all. No one cares about some dusty old things in cabinets. They distract from real matters, like the fight against oppression by the government. WAKE UP PEOPLE! FREE YOURSELVES!” He continues shouting as security drags him away.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all transmission towers have been temporarily diverted in order to establish dialogue with a comet.

2022-06-13 03:30

RED Rover, RED Rover, Send Your Money Right Over!

A group of very excited scientists has requested funding for a new space mission to land the Rapid Empyrean Delivery (RED) Rover on a passing comet.

  1. “It will be more than thirty-five years before we’ll have another opportunity like this!” exclaims RED Project Leader, Alina Krugman, nearly bursting with excitement. “Remember, no other nation has attempted a comet landing, so Random Chaos has the opportunity to add all kinds of discoveries to the body of scientific knowledge. Admittedly there’s no guarantee that the RED Rover will successfully land, but I’m sure we’ll work out all the technical details.”
  2. “There’s a reason that other nations aren’t blowing government money on worthless scientific projects,” rants your military advisor, Ed Rose. “Wasting billions to put a remote control toy on a giant ball of ice in space isn’t going to prove anything. What our nation needs is the respect - and by respect I mean fear - of other nations. Let’s take out that meteor as a demonstration to the world of our martial prowess.”
  3. A frantic-looking citizen with a tinfoil hat bursts into the room bellowing, “NO! Our weapons are no match for Cxaxukluth, The Blackness from the Stars. Cxaxukluth uses comets to deliver his messages of creation! We must divert our entire telecommunications infrastructure to communicate with the comet in order to discover his all-powerful commandments!” The lunatic collapses, mumbling gibberish.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, you can call your arthritic immigrant neighbour for all your roof-tiling and guttering needs.

2022-06-12 21:30

The Amazing, but Illegal, Spiderman

On live TV yesterday, a seven-year-old girl was dangling and struggling to hold onto a sixth-floor balcony railing — as emergency services had been delayed by a stampede of wild gamblers — only to be rescued by Haakon Holst, an illegal immigrant, who heroically climbed up the side of the building and brought her safely to ground level.

  1. “Of course we’re grateful,” begins Yasuyuki Pelosi, your Immigration Chief, as he slams the rule book on your desk. “However, illegal immigration is illegal immigration and we’re a nation of laws. Despite his good deed, I’m afraid that we have no choice but to deport him. Heroic acts will not get you any special privileges.”
  2. “My PR senses are tingling!” declares Cornelius Ward, your Press Secretary, as he puts a comb through your hair. “We should give this Haakon fellow legal status and an official presentation at your office. One good deed deserves another, so make an exception for him. In fact, why don’t you hand out medals at posh ceremonies for every caring citizen? The press coverage will do you wonders!”
  3. “That brave man saved my daughter!” proclaims Daisy Davenport, the girl’s mother. “He absolutely must be given legal status. In fact, you should give citizenship to all illegal immigrants that are already here, as this incident proves that they aren’t all ‘bad people’. We should give them all the benefit of the doubt.”
  4. “So, these immigrants seem pretty good at climbing then?” posits Montgomery Krugman, your Employment Minister. “Why don’t we fast-track their citizenship applications and put them in jobs where climbing is required? There are window-cleaners, glaziers, tree-trimmers, roofers — they should be excellent at those kinds of jobs. Let’s face it, most Random Chaosians are scared of heights.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government blames all suspicious phenomena on flying saucers.

2022-06-12 15:30

The Truth Is Out There?

After numerous alleged UFO sightings all over Random Chaos’s sky last night, concerned citizens are asking questions and getting no answers. Many of them are demanding that the government release all information regarding UFOs to the public.

  1. “The government has been covering up UFO activity for years,” claims Michael Meier, host of the esoteric TV show ‘Death from the Skies’. “We’re tired of hearing about weather balloons and hoaxes. If there are little green men watching and abducting us, we deserve to know. We demand that the government release all documents regarding UFOs... and everything else too! Besides, we’re better off if our military doesn’t organize shady, expensive projects.”
  2. “You can’t honestly give in to the demands of these wackos and conspiracy nuts!” gasps Five Star General Siko Stewart. “That would reveal top secret military programs like our doomsday device, I mean, new fighter jets. These things are kept secret for a reason. Do you want this information to get in the hands of Random Chaos’s enemies? I don’t think so. I say we continue to cover up these sightings and ignore those pesky ufologists asking too many questions.”
  3. “How about a compromise that pleases both the conspiracy theorists and the military?” suggests Avery Burton, an elite prevaricator from the Propaganda Ministry. “Why don’t we release some documents that just say that UFOs are real? This way the conspiracy theorists stop asking questions, and the military doesn’t have its secret projects compromised. If our military projects are discovered, like that ‘moon’ we’re building, we can just blame it on little green men. That gives you perfect deniability. It’s win-win!”
  4. As a man wearing a black suit and dark sunglasses passes your guards, they silently go rigid as their eyes roll to white. “Boss, my team has this covered,” he says in a droll monotone. “We’ll try to keep you in the loop, of course, but nothing we tell you leaves this room... ever. Of course there are aliens, and yes, there’s occasional collateral damage from random interactions, but we’re on it. You just make sure that funding doesn’t drop from the Omnibus Farm Bill your predecessor set up, and we’ll make sure nothing goes public.” He pauses and strokes his chin thoughtfully. “Is it still a privacy violation if you don’t remember being probed? Have to think on that.” He turns, taps the guards on the shoulders, and walks from the room as they dazedly recover their composure.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, psychological disorders are a taboo subject.

2022-06-12 09:30

Oh, the Angst!

In response to rising rates of depression related suicides, mental health groups have called for government funding to help support treatment programs, citing various surveys that indicate psychological disorders are often an overlooked problem.

  1. “Although it is often dismissed as an irrelevant complaint, depression is a real disease; it isn’t just ‘all in your head’,” says Gene Berenstain, depression sufferer. “Depression has significant effects on groups and individuals, especially amongst teenagers. Every day, more and more people commit suicide because of this disease, but this could all be stopped if this country had informative public awareness programs. Even better would be providing mandatory counselling in free, government-run facilities for those who seem down-and-out. This will save lives!”
  2. “Screw them,” Liara Guilliman, talkback radio host, stated yesterday. “Depression isn’t a disease, it’s just another example of today’s youth finding something to complain about. Life’s never been better. In fact, just yesterday, I bought my fourth yacht. And even if it is as serious as the bleeding hearts claim, then I say we leave it and cut some of the funding being wasted on these head cases. If a few whiners jump off a bridge, it’ll be good for the gene pool. Natural selection, my friends. It’s a great thing.”
  3. “Actually, a lot of depression cases in teens are related to school and all the stress and pressure young people are under to succeed. A greater effort to correct the problem of depression should start there, with more funding so that schools can provide better counseling programs,” comments Dr. Ronald Nakatomi, author of the book Tomato Soup for the Soul. “That way teens who are depressed can get help even if their parents can’t or won’t take them to see a psychiatrist.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a small country is wondering where their capitol building's gold dome went.

2022-06-12 03:30

Dial L for Loan

After a recent unfortunate incident involving a foreign casino, a gambling addicted crime lord, and a secret agent that was a bit too confident in his poker playing abilities, the government is currently strapped for cash. Your Finance Minister has reminded you of a swathe of delinquent government loans made to a small nameless nation in your sphere of influence that could be called in to close the budget gap.

  1. “If they can’t pay up, why we’ll get a The Hatrackia tribunal involved!” declares Leroy Kaine, your Finance Minister. “Start by removing their spendthrift leadership, and install a stooge, er... someone who understands the gravity of their international obligations. Next, forcibly privatize some of the most easily monetized state services. Why, I bet some of Random Chaos’s businesses might even be interested in buying them.”
  2. “How soft!” mutters Rosalina Räikkönen, leader of the infamous ‘Loan and Pool Shark’ mercenaries, while menacingly holding a pool cue. “It’s time you went full repo man on these money squanderers and take what’s owed to you. They won’t dare to object to a few of their warships, crown jewels, or national treasures going to the cause.”
  3. “A thousand pardons Leader!” pleads the country’s ambassador, Owen Dett, while kissing your feet. “Although our nation is a mere insignificant speck of dirt compared to the might and majesty of your nation, we implore you to find it within your heart to forgive the debts of us, the most ‘umblest of nations.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, embarrassed police officers wear spandex and carry net guns.

2022-06-11 22:30

Vigilantes: Heroes or Hoodlums?

Your evening supper was disrupted recently when a spandex-clad man wearing a mask left a hitherto untouchable mob boss on the High Court’s doorstep before disappearing once more into the night. While some have welcomed the assistance of ‘the Dogman’, others are fearful of what consequences supporting vigilantism could bring.

  1. “He did WHAT?” shouts over-zealous police officer Jane Pence. “The Dogman is a menace to society and an insult to the police. Vigilantism should not be tolerated, and the police should have the right to track these people down and force them into therapy to cure their infantile power fantasies. We’ll show others like him that the law cannot be taken into their own hands.”
  2. “I agree, but we’re forgetting the bigger issue,” says Police Chief Namkha Warner. “It’s embarrassing really. This guy who’s probably had no police training managed to catch a criminal that some of us in the force have spent ten years trying to bring down. This whole incident clearly shows us that the police force needs new training and equipment. I’m sure that our citizens wouldn’t mind paying a little more to feel safer on the streets.”
  3. Stephanie Davis, avid contributor to the magazine Anarchist Monthly, presents a different opinion. “The last thing we need is more police. In fact, I think the people would be better off with more heroes like the Dogman. Let’s face it. The police are known for corruption and brutality. Let the people take the law into their own hands, and we’ll have a utopia where issues are settled without fascist pigs telling us what we can and can’t do! It’ll be perfect, trust me.”
  4. “You all have the wrong idea,” says Graphite Lad, wearing a slender yellow spandex suit and eraser helmet. “We can’t dismiss the fact that the Dogman did us and our city a great service. That’s not something we should put him in jail for. In fact, I think the government should pay vigilante heroes for their noble deeds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, several citizens have complained about scientists abducting their pets for experimentation.

2022-06-11 15:30

Animal Experimentation Laws Under Scrutiny

Scientists and animal rights activists have once again brought up the debate over animal experimentation to your attention.

  1. “What have those poor, defenceless animals ever done to us?” asks Patty Day, owner of the East Random Chaos Gambler Sanctuary. “Kidnapping these helpless creatures from their habitat simply to stick probes and needles in them is just barbaric! How would you like it if someone caged you in a lab and conducted tests on you just to find out whether a new product was fit for sale? Experimenting on animals ought to be banned!”
  2. “It is not unethical,” replies Dr. Xanatos Laine, the chief surgeon at Random Chaos’s largest cancer research clinic. “The unethical thing to do would be to deny the public of the benefit of the great scientific advancements we’re making! If we have to sacrifice some animals in the name of science, healthcare, or slightly prettier eyeliner, then that’s just what we’ve got to do! Think of the lives we could save! All we require is more government support and funding for this worthy cause.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people think garlic bread counts as one of their "five a day".

2022-06-11 09:30

Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics

A dubious study in a dubious scientific magazine recently asserted that pizza is healthy, preventing heart disease, curing cancer and treating low libido. The scientific community rapidly discredited the study, but not before newspaper headlines had many Random Chaosians believing it.

  1. “This is a cheese-topped catastrophe! A doughy disaster!” moans paediatrician Dr. Doménikos Sullivan, who has spent all morning trying to convince mums not to put their kids on a pizza-only diet. “Science can’t move forward if its legitimacy is being undermined by bad studies! This Eckie-Cola Scientific Review is a sorry excuse for a publication, taking payment to publish any old trash, and masquerading as a serious journal! You must pass laws demanding stringency of peer review and reference-checking in academia.”
  2. “You can’t stop bad science,” complains sociologist Julia Calder. “What you can do, however, is expect the media to check if studies are legitimate. Just fine news networks each time they broadcast misleading information or fail to check their scientific sources, and hold them legally accountable for the consequences of misinformation.”
  3. “Mamma mia, I tell you this is the truth!” exclaims Professor Giuseppe De Luigi, of the Independent Pizza Research Institute. “The ivory tower of academia has been saying for years that pizza was making the bambinos obese, but here is the evidence! It has all the fresh and organic ingredients, like tomatoes and even pineapples, and they count as a vegetable, sì? You should be telling everyone to be eating my cousin Benito’s delicious pizzas!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the moon's craters are more numerous every day.

2022-06-11 03:30

Mooning the Flag

After their successful moon landing, Dàguó astronauts have removed your nation’s flag from the satellite’s rocky surface and replaced it with their own.

  1. “Damn Dàguó doofuses, dropping in where they’re not wanted!” complains border control officer Manuel Chatwin, attempting to find the landing site through a small telescope. “Give us the say-so and we’ll put out a warrant for these vandals! If Dàguó doesn’t extradite them, we’ll just have to prosecute them in absentia.”
  2. “How can you expect one lonely flag to survive undefended?” wonders astronaut Sasha Iglesias. “We need a more permanent base on the moon to keep these Dàguó latecomers out. All it’ll take is a few chips, lots of oxygen, and an electric fence.”
  3. “Do you realize how much that would cost the taxpayer?” panics business executive Anna Pond, as she props her feet up on your desk. “Subsidize private businesses to further refine space weaponry, and we can deliver a much more efficient approach. A missile or two should remove the pesky Dàguó flag.”
  4. “H-h-hold on, Leader,” stutters Engelbert Wessex, your Minister of Cowardice. “Don’t we have more than enough problems to handle on our own planet? You should publicly congratulate Dàguó on their technological breakthroughs, and politely ask their ambassador for the flag back.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, genetic researchers have been expelled.

2022-06-10 21:30

Cloning Research Promises New Breakthrough

Scientists using cloned human embryos for research are on the verge of a medical breakthrough.

  1. “It’s really very exciting,” says lab head Wangdi Caesar. “Until now, we’ve kept very quiet, to avoid being targeted by lunatic fringe groups who for some reason think it’s wrong to clone human embryos. It’s too early to promise anything, but we hope that one day we will have genetic cures for a whole range of debilitating illnesses. I certainly hope the government will support our work.”
  2. “Well, if you have to be part of a lunatic fringe group to object to this barbaric practice, I’m a lunatic,” says placard-waving protestor Chijioke Hesse. “Of course it would be nice to cure these unnamed diseases, but at what cost? They’re messing with the sanctity of human life. It’s wrong, and the lab should be shut down immediately.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's rare to find an unchewed pencil.

2022-06-10 16:00

A Sticky Situation

While lounging on a curiously sticky bench in Random Chaos City, you begin to notice that almost every passer-by seems to be mysteriously stuck to the pavement. Upon closer inspection, you realise that the ground is covered in chewing gum, which has in turn caused the unfortunate - and admittedly amusing - predicament that the pedestrians have now found themselves in. You are soon approached by a colorful mob of people, the majority of which are barely able to lift their own legs.

  1. “Every time I go on a run, I always find at least one piece of gum on my shoe!” screeches Marjorie Suzuki, whilst furiously picking herself up off the ground. “I always end up stepping in the stuff, and it’s always a pain to get off. Gum is a health hazard, and it should be banned before anyone else finds themselves chewing the pavement! If somebody has a problem with that, then they can just find something else to gnaw on.”
  2. “Don’t listen to that gum-hating buffoon,” exclaims the CEO of Suborbit Gum, Minté Breff, while chewing loudly. “Banning gum will cause a tremendous uproar of unnecessary proportions! Gum can help people study and concentrate, all whilst they taste our selection of great flavours; something that the government would surely support and even subsidise! You can have my gum when you pry it out of my cold, dead mouth.”
  3. “Why not look for a different solution?” asks Sirrus Carpenter, as he helps his son clean gum from his shoes. “How about we place more trashcans? Place a few here and there, fine anyone that doesn’t put their gum into them, and I guarantee that this problem will go away. All of this gum will give these trashcans a fresh and much more bearable smell!” He abruptly turns towards his son, who has now wandered away. “Stop smelling the bins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, party-lovers often change religions just for the weekend.

2022-06-10 09:30

The Problem With Peyote

The Pangaoaoangans, an indigenous native tribe of Random Chaos, have been using the illegal hallucinogen peyote in their religious ceremonies.

  1. “Drugs are bad, mmkay,” says Karol Emkay, holding a sign that says the same thing. “I love the Pangaoaoangans, but the peyote thing is a problem. Drugs ruin lives. All drugs, mmkay? They should swap something else in. Instead of peyote they could use, say, potato. Sounds almost the same, and doesn’t hurt anyone.”
  2. Chief Hoogahooga, leader of the Pangaoaoangan tribe, takes a long draught of his peace pipe before speaking with you. “Lo, don’t you want to allow the people living in your country to practice their religion freely? We do no harm, and peyote is not addictive. Peyote brings sacred visions that guide my people, and it is impossible to practice my religion and heed the words of the spirits without this all-natural, all-herbal, plant-based substance. Please, Leader, allow a special exception for drug use when part of traditional faith ceremonies.”
  3. “Peyote comes from cactuses, right? If we get rid of the cactuses, then no more problem!” suggests your Minister of Babies and Bathwater, sparking a furious debate amongst your aides regarding the correct pluralisation of cactus. “There’s a whole bunch of fungal diseases and mealybugs that we can seed across the deserts and mountains — the problem will soon be gone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every microwave and toaster is being disassembled and probed by inspectors.

2022-06-10 03:30

I, Robot, Do Solemnly Swear

Last week, a humanoid robot announced its intentions to serve as the nation’s first android federal judge. Concerned citizens have come to you as to the implications and legality of this potential appointment.

  1. “Surely we cannot allow this, right?” asks Chief Justice Graham Glenn while curling the end of his beard around his finger. “Letting them vote would be one thing, but robot judges? What if it malfunctions or someone tampers with it? We need to put an end to this right now. If we manufactured it, it shouldn’t be allowed to serve in the judiciary.”
  2. “He’s a— it’s a WHAT?” yells Virgil Modi, your Minister of Zero Tolerance. “This robot had to be made by someone right? You don’t see how that could go horribly, horribly wrong? It’s clearly a power grab by someone with deep connections at the Friendly Robot Company. We need to conduct a full on investigation of the entire industry and this robot; who made him, who paid for him, what he is capable of — the works!”
  3. “If I may disagree,” politely asks iCroft Holmes, the robot nominee. “A robotic judge has numerous benefits that the esteemed gentlemen are deliberately omitting. We can view decisions in a rational and analytical manner, unburdened by emotions. We would make decisions for the betterment of the people. The judiciary would become streamlined and efficient. Surely, these are virtues the government wants?”
  4. “I warned you!” scolds noted technophobe Cassius Summers after smashing your telephone. “But no one would listen. You became dependent on these soulless machines, integrated them into every facet of your lives, and look, now they dare to judge us! We’ve got to rid Random Chaos of these toasters once and for all! Ban artificial intelligence and bring some sanity back to our country!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it... Random Chaosian satellites can detect it.

2022-06-09 22:00

New Satellite Blues

The Random Chaos Aeronautics and Space Administration (RCASA) is currently reviewing proposals for a new flagship satellite project. Debates about the merits of each plan have become so intense that a recent fight resulted in thousands of chips in damage to pocket protectors, calculators, and glasses. Agency heads have therefore deferred to you to decide which project should be chosen.

  1. “This isn’t rocket science!” states RCASA astronomer Renee Jordan, her bow tie still ruffed and her glasses askew from the recent funding fight. “RCASA needs to create wonder in the young and old alike, while also performing cutting-edge science. My proposed space telescope, Bubble, is the ideal tool for this. Think of what pictures it could take: supernovas in the process of erupting, crystal-clear images of nebulas on the shoulders of Orion, C-class stars glittering near Tannhäuser Galaxy. Without Bubble, all these moments will be lost, like tears in the rain.”
  2. “I find my colleague’s position to be myopic and self-serving,” declares remote sensing specialist Zeus Rasputin, who is sporting a black eye and torn suspenders. “Who cares what’s happening a million light-years away? Our real problems are much more local. Right now, man is causing rapid changes to the surface of our planet, endangering major ecosystems. The best way to understand these changes is from space. My proposed LANDSPOT satellite will be equipped with cutting-edge tools such as hyperspectral imaging and advanced LIDAR, giving us a whole new perspective on this little blue marble we call home.”
  3. “Space may hold a terrible secret!” warns asteroid hunter Declan Wood, while rubbing his knuckles. “Do you remember what happened to the dinosaurs? I mean, before we brought them back? If we don’t want to share the same fate, then the first step is arming ourselves with knowledge. My proposed Guardian satellite is specially designed to find and track the orbits of all potentially dangerous near-Earth objects. If we find something, we’ll take the second step: arming ourselves against the asteroid by implementing my Star Battles missile shield project.”
  4. “Don’t listen to their lies!” whispers a wild-eyed stranger, while sneaking past your security. “The entire RCASA is actually conducting a program to broadcast subliminal messages straight into citizens’ brains. I’ve been listening to their secret transmissions through my teeth fillings. They’re playing you for a sucker, I tell ya! You must remove all funding from RCASA and divert it to things that do demonstrable good, like mental health services. I hear there are people out there that really need help.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, concert pianists lie about their occupation to avoid ridicule.

2022-06-09 15:30

Maestro, Please

A delegation from the Random Chaos Philharmonia has shown up in your office, underlining their petition for the renovation of the nation’s concert halls with a serenade.

  1. “The once venerable concert halls of Random Chaos are in a sorry state,” laments trombonist Alexandra Breitbart, emptying her spit valve into your waste paper basket. “Some are dank, the stucco is crumbling in others, and it’s raining through the backstage roof of another! In the name of culture we must restore these halls to their former glory. It’s only a pittance to the national budget, but to our cultural reputation? Priceless.”
  2. “These caterwauling miscreants don’t deserve concert halls,” insists Draco Harper, a tone-deaf curmudgeon. “If they can’t support their hobby, then why should we, the suffering taxpayers, prop them up? Concert halls are businesses, and businesses that can’t stay afloat on their own disappear. Such is life. I say leave the whole lot to their inevitable demise.”
  3. “Times are tight. I sympathize with you,” consoles Kanya Obama, the CEO of Restorations R Us, handing you a decorative ‘Hang In There’ basket of goodies. “However, you need only ask, and - quick as a whip - my company will fund the construction of concert halls all across this fair country. All I ask is that we put up some advertisements in the lobbies and integrate a tasteful nod to sponsors into the programmes.”
  4. “The only reason to fund these musicians is if they are doing something worthwhile for their country,” says Brigadier General Omar Vajiralongkorn. “I’ve long said that Random Chaos’s Armed Forces would benefit greatly from a spic-and-span band in uniform. They would represent the splendor that embodies Random Chaos and they’d do it with pride! Of course by extension, they would be a part of the active forces and required to serve in battle if necessary. Always good to up the recruitment numbers, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is reining in public spending.

2022-06-09 09:30

Citizens Struggle Under “Unfair” Tax Burden

A recent poll has revealed high levels of dissatisfaction among the populace about tax rates.

  1. “Do you know how much of my year’s work goes to the government?” demands angry worker Cassidy Dawson. “Too much! Government spending has gotten way out of control. It needs big cuts in welfare, health, and education. But leave those subsidies to business alone. We need them to create jobs.”
  2. “It’s not the AMOUNT of tax, it’s where the burden falls,” says student activist Harsh Kumar. “And at the moment, far too much of the burden is falling on the poor. People on high incomes still have more money than people on low incomes. I don’t think I need to say anything more than that.”
  3. “I don’t object to the amount of tax, I object to where it’s being spent,” says social reformer Marina Ross. “I’d like to see everyone have a choice as to where their chips go every time they fill out a tax return. Everyone would feel a lot better about opening their wallets if they had a say as to where the money went. I think you’d see a lot more public money going to education and a lot less to business.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Timber Woodchipping Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cities in Random Chaos declare independence based on interpretation of the historic meaning of cave paintings.

2022-06-09 04:00

The Body Politic

Ubalin, a small city in southwestern Random Chaos, was formerly a monarchical city-state before being annexed in the early history of Random Chaos. DNA testing on the remains of the last king of Ubalin, King Oswyn V, traced his lineage to a local man in a poor district of Random Chaos City.

  1. “Momma! Momma! Git the whiskey! No! The gud kind!” shouts Percy Doolittle, the newly-found heir to the House of Ood. “Well, it’s about time that my royal ‘eritarge is recugnized! I declare myself the absolute ruler of Ubalin as Yer Majesty King Rex! I will be the most high and most excellent king Ubalin has ever had! And as my first act as King, I declare Ubalin’s independence from Random Chaos; the Ubalinders will be free and independent again under my rule.” He then turns to your young secretary. “And darling, if you want to be a Queen, just hit me up.”
  2. “Liberté, égalité, fraternité!” yells Naki Lee, the current mayor of Ubalin. “We first became a part of this great country as a direct result of when that tyrant Oswyn was violently ripped apart by blackout drunk peasants! To prevent reactionaries from poisoning and breaking apart the nation with outdated traditions, we need to denounce monarchy for the sham it is whenever it pops up!”
  3. “Maybe there’s a compromise,” speculates Tyrion Savage, a prolific jouster and part-time mutton farmer. “How about instead of making him the absolute monarch of Ubalin, we install King... Rex as a constitutional monarch of Ubalin. That way Ubalin stays a part of Random Chaos and continues to be run by competent politicians, but they’ll have a bit of tradition to rally behind. And imagine having an actual king open the Ubalin medieval fayre. My mutton sales will go through the roof!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, meat-eating is frowned upon.

2022-06-08 21:30

Animal Liberation Front Strikes Again

The increasingly militant Animal Liberation Front struck again last night, freeing dozens of chickens bound for delicious snack packs.

  1. “These nuts have got to be stopped,” demands concerned consumer Gyunmin Lazenby. “They need to face the fact people want snack packs, no matter how many innocent chickens must be sacrificed. Besides, chickens would do the same to us if they had the chance.”
  2. “These Liberationists are highlighting an important issue,” pleads Mamiko Sandler. “Too often, animals are put through needless cruelty, just to make their flesh taste a little more deliciously succulent. I’m sure we could ban the more horrific abuses without putting too much of a dent in our national obesity figures. Couldn’t we?”
  3. “Animals have feelings too!” yells protestor Sejong Aran, before being set upon by hungry passers-by. “Free the animals! Ban meat-eating!”
  4. Economist Andy Gaudí has an alternative. “You don’t need to take away the people’s right to choose. You just need to build the costs of animal suffering into the price. A tax on meat-eating, in proportion to the amount of cruelty involved, would do the trick. Plus think of the benefit for the national coffers! Of course, poor people wouldn’t be able to afford meat, but that’s just more incentive for them to get jobs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a mountain of discarded sofas and beds is incinerated every day.

2022-06-08 15:30

Furnished for Failure

Recently, there have been many reported incidents of cheaply repaired pieces of furniture falling apart and causing serious injuries, including bruises, cuts and even one case of fatal friction burn. Bandage-covered victims are demanding action!

  1. “Incompetent workers fixed my Hot’n’Heavy Magic Massage Chair the other day and do you know what happened?” yells Sarah Ramirez, charred and covered with third-degree burns. “It thumped me so hard that I got scared, jumped from the chair, tripped on my cat, stumbled into the next room, tripped over a stack of TV Guides, and then fell into my fireplace! Plus the repair guy smelt funny! Clearly, they are responsible and must pay me compensation! Oh, and you should probably regulate the industry more or something, just make sure I get my check by Saturday...”
  2. “That woman was lucky, compared to me,” notes Isaac Wonka from his wheelchair. “I lost both my legs and an eye, the result of someone forgetting a leg to my coffee table. A leg! How does anyone even do that? This industry is clearly extremely dangerous, no amount of regulation can solve that. Ban repairs and restoration altogether and people can instead buy newer and safer stuff. Ending is better than mending!”
  3. “It ain’t our fault if we don’t do our job well, is it?” says blame-shifting cash-in-hand handyman Anupam Dylan, as he improvises a fix to your wobbly desk with duct tape and craft glue. “I mean, we get non-stop calls to fix this and that, so we haven’t got any time for a quality job. The people who make chairs and the like should have done a better job. If you’re going to force standards, then force them on the manufacturers, not us!”
  4. “It’s best if the government butts out and we ‘let the free market run its course’, as the cool kids say,” observes Gaius Longbottom, CEO of plastic-and-fibreboard furniture manufacturer QuickSell and Beyond. “Our products are a bit like a payday loan - you can get them easily and with no hassle, though you might need a new one next month. Just relax these silly safety standards! Then my factories can make and sell more chairs, more people gain employment, we make oodles of profit, and you get heaps of tax money. Everybody wins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, animal control is going door-to-door releasing all pets back into the wild.

2022-06-08 09:30

Gone a Stray!

A group of distraught high school girls has brought the problem of stray dogs and cats around Random Chaos to your attention.

  1. “There are too many strays just wandering around!” screams a concerned high school student as she feeds leftover scraps to a noticeably spooked mutt. “We need to gather all these poor animals and get them into a nice shelter where a loving family can adopt them and take care of them - whether they want them or not.”
  2. “No! No more animals, please!” begs animal shelter director Ksenya True as she struggles to latch a cage full of cats. “Look, I love these fluffballs as much as the next guy, but we just can’t handle any more. We’re up to our ears in animals! The problem isn’t with the strays, it’s with irresponsible pet owners not spaying and neutering their pets. It’s high time we required everyone to fix their pets. Do that and this problem will disappear.”
  3. “These animals deserve to be free!” screeches Falala Clarke, a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything. “They found a home in the back alleyways and dumps. Who are you to take them away from their homes, tame them and make them your slaves? They don’t exist for your entertainment. We must free all of the animals!”
  4. “Let’s not get hasty here,” interrupts Major Burns while polishing his oak leaves and war medals. “Now these animals could be of use to the police here and overseas with our brave soldiers. There are plenty of jobs that simply aren’t suited to our patriotic boys in uniform. Yes, plenty of dangerous jobs. It’s not like these strays are going to be missed. And at least we’d be giving them hot meals and a dignified purpose!”
  5. “One bullet each should do the trick,” bluntly states a mustachioed local-government employee while loading a revolver. “Problem solved.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Retail Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, even immigrants complain that immigrants keep taking their jobs.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

2022-06-08 03:30

A Boatload of Trouble

The Coastguard reported that following stormy weather a trio of small ships capsized in the Gambler Strait. This resulted in the deaths of 78 illegal immigrants who were trying to enter Random Chaos under cover of darkness, including many children and two pregnant women.

  1. “It’s our moral responsibility to stop people drowning in our waters,” lectures Maritime Operations Officer Percy Moore, respectfully removing his cap. “You should deploy more coastguard vessels, linked to surveillance drones and a dedicated networked HQ. Give me an eye on every square metre of our seas, and no-one will drown again.”
  2. “Why don’t we just lay out a welcome mat while we’re at it?” complains Immigration Minister Virginia Svensson, closing the office door to keep a draught out. “The danger of the journey acts as a deterrent, and that keeps illegal immigration numbers down. If anything, we should be reducing the coastguard, and concentrating solely on protecting fishermen, beach-users and marina businesses. If the journey across the strait is even more dangerous, then even fewer illegals will attempt the journey.”
  3. “It’s because of our immigration laws that people are dying in the first place,” muses your Minister for Extracartonic Cognition. “Why don’t we provide a free ferry service to bring anyone who wants to come into the country? We’ll also need unrestricted immigration and generous compassionate welfare payments. I’m sure these unskilled immigrants will boost our economy. Eventually.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, executions are marked by quiet dignity and maybe a final round or two of whist.

2022-06-07 21:30

The End Is in Sight?

The high-profile manhunt, capture, trial and conviction of Oscar ‘Cannibal’ Maldonado has been occupying news headlines for months, and now the serial slaughterer is finally scheduled to be executed. While most executions tend to have a few people in the viewing gallery, the notoriety of the infamous ingester of infants has demand for ringside seats at an all-time high.

  1. “I guess I wanna see with my own eyes that he’s definitely dead and gone,” explains mum-of-three Ashley Siskel, filling a carton with toffee-flavoured popcorn. “Also, it’d be so cool to tell the other school-mums that we saw the Cannibal die, they’ll be totes jealous. My youngest has a day off nursery especially for this. I mean, I just think you should have a place with a proper viewing area so that more people can watch the big show.”
  2. “A baying crowd would lack a certain decorum,” observes professional executioner Han Berlusconi. “Instead, why not have the execution broadcast live on television? Millions could tune in from their own homes, and you could double the entertainment value by having viewers vote on what novel method of execution should be used. It’d be fun to see Maldonado get dropped in a shark tank, or drowned in custard, or squashed by a giant plastic foot, don’t you think?”
  3. “The death penalty is a regrettable necessity, not an entertainment event,” intones Judicial Review Officer Maria Gutierrez, glaring sternly at you over her gold-rimmed spectacles. “The public should be excluded from the process of judicial execution. The convicted soul, an executioner and a single medical witness - there’s no need for anyone else in the room.”
  4. “Wait... we’re not one of those loopy nations that have the death penalty, are we?” panics confused civil servant Shinzo Nelson, checking through the legislation archive files to see what policies you’ve enacted in this hectic year. “That’s some kind of error, right? Tell me that’s an error!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tens of thousands of Random Chaosians rock the night away at the annual SuperLob.

2022-06-07 15:30

We Won’t, We Won’t Rock You

Attendance at last week’s stoning in Random Chaos City Square was at a record low, as citizens decided instead to take a healthy walk, read self-improvement books, or merely exchange pleasantries with one another.

  1. “It ain’t right!” gripes souvenir rock distributor Willie Tano, gesturing to his unwanted supplies of pointy rocks and bags of reinforced gravel. “Last week’s stoning only had a boring old murderer — what punter’s gonna waste high-grade silicates on them? Bring back the mafia kingpins! Chainsaw maniacs! Send the police out to hunt them down, from wherever they can find them. Now they’re worth a good chunk of quartz, eh?”
  2. “It’s not the quality of targets that’s the problem,” opines your brother, tossing a stone at a nearby barn door, and missing. “It’s that there aren’t enough to go around. Stoning is a noble art, and you should show your appreciation with a steady stream of targets, be they petty thieves or jaywalkers. How else can I perfect my technique?”
  3. “If you want these events to draw a crowd, there’s no sense in everyone getting stoned,” chortles rock fan Claudius Chan. “This needs to be a special occasion that lives long in the memories of all those young and old — well, except the victims. We need stadia, lights, loud music and audience participation! Let’s get the crowd rocking!”
  4. “No! You violate the sacred stones by causing harm to fellow men,” implores Sunbeam Gambler Humperdink, handing out calming tourmalines to all present. “By placing crystals on their corresponding chakras we can use the healing energy to cure offenders of their negative thoughts. As the Almighty Agate teaches us: ‘Let he who be without sin, cast the first stone.’ No, NO, AAAAGGH!”
  5. “Few have the stones to look a fellow human in the eyes and kill them,” rasps Freda Beggins, a diminutive and hairy-toed master stonethrower, as she demonstrates her left-arm unorthodox spin delivery on a stray gambler. “Leave the job to the professionals, and we’ll get it done. Quick. Brutal. Merciless.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are prohibited from raising their voice above thirty decibels in commercial districts.

2022-06-07 09:30

Preach It!

Street preachers delivering their sermons and self-proclaimed salvation have been popping up all over Random Chaos.

  1. “These people chase all of my customers away!” exclaims restaurateur Virgil Martinez. “I own a premier establishment in downtown Random Chaos City. Every day I lose more and more business thanks to these crazy bigots and extremists rambling on about the ‘end times’ and ‘confessing our sins’! One of them tried to convert my cook! For the sake of every business owner in the nation, you must ban street preaching.”
  2. “What about my right to speak the truth?” questions Casimir Smit, who often holds impromptu ‘sermons’ outside of government buildings. “As opposed to popular belief, I do not preach hate. I am the deliverer of salvation and you shall not interfere! All Random Chaosians are equal before our Creator and will be judged irrespective of wealth or status! Follow me and together we will be prepared to face the end days to come!”
  3. “There is a better way to go about this,” suggests Heather Bonaparte, your Minister of Compromises. “The most common complaints against street preaching are on the grounds of harassment and noise pollution. I say the most logical approach is to administer permits to those who wish to speak on public property, with a police presence to make sure they don’t cause any trouble. That’s fair, right?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, banana distribution among collective farm workers is an important topic in public discourse.

2022-06-07 03:30

This Green and Pleasant Land

Good news, everyone! An unexpected rise in the water table has transformed a million acres of former desert into green and fertile and farming-ready land. As the government owns this land, it’s now up to you what you do with it.

  1. “Efficiency. Productivity. Produce. Those are the three F’s of New Plus Agro Cycles™,” says CEO Merrell Kringle, “and if you wonder if you failed to spot the third F, it’s all about the customer! Yes, sell us this land and we will turn it into a model of efficiency! No government investment, no taxpayer’s money wasted, just cultivation as far as the eye can see! New jobs will be created, and investors will be attracted. Just sign here!”
  2. “Why would you consider that?” yells villager Siko Roosevelt, waving a pitchfork with one hand and a little red book with the other. “You want to just GIVE IT AWAY to these rich fat cats, so they can get even richer? No! This land should be owned by the state, but worked by a commune of local farmers, with a small plot of land for each farmer! This way is fair for everyone.”
  3. “No, no, no! It’s like a traffic light, if you want to be green you’ve got to put up a red light and make a green space, because you don’t want to be in the red on being green!” explains Amber Dice, her metaphors as messed up as her flower-entangled hair. “We need to turn this into a nature resort, that flora and fauna can make their home!”
  4. “Excuse me, is anyone going to ask why this has happened?” asks party-pooping scientist Ferris Fowler. “We can’t make use of this land till we understand what happened. I suggest establishing a research station here, and getting a better understanding of the ecological changes that led to this fertile land emerging.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the most penniless demographics have by far the highest number of researchers per capita.

2022-06-06 21:30

Any Body for Science?

A group of Random Chaosian scientists have advocated loosening ethical regulations to allow scientists to perform research with live human test subjects.

  1. “Well, it is certainly difficult to find enough willing volunteers,” argues Dr. Nikita Mengele, who slinked into your office dressed in a crisp white lab coat. “Rare conditions such as Brancalandian Burps and Random Chaosian Habitancy can only be found in a few individuals, and more often than not they refuse to take part in our studies! We need the government to step back and let us researchers decide who should and should not be tested upon, for the sake of medical science!”
  2. “Don’t listen to her, Leader,” pleads Huckleberry Sandler, directing his cries towards your potted plant. “Doctor Mengele blinded me with her so-called research! This is what happens when scientists think that they can do whatever they want. Surely you cannot just forget about the idea of consent! If anything, you should require a fully detailed consent form for any kind of medical procedure or treatment. If any scientists don’t like it, just take away their funding.”
  3. “But what incentive would people have?” asks Melania Aran, taking a wallet and syringe out of her bag. “It’s obvious that testing on live subjects is a priceless opportunity, and that is exactly why we should place a price on it! Mandate that all participants should be paid, say, 5000 chips per day while they are undergoing tests. This stops low-rate scientists from going overboard, and it helps the poor. It’s a flawless plan!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's first space rocket -- sponsored by Eckie-Ecola and shaped like an enormous soda bottle -- is being developed.

2022-06-06 15:30

Random Chaos Looks to the Stars

The recent popularity of a science-fiction TV show has prompted calls for Random Chaos to develop its own space program.

  1. “Don’t tell me space colonies wouldn’t be cool,” says excited fifth-grade teacher Douglas Dubois, still wearing big Spock ears from his last convention. “Think of how they would galvanize the national population! And there would also be some kind of scientific benefit, probably.”
  2. “The project certainly is feasible, but very expensive,” says Random Chaosian Space Agency Head Kanya Li. “We could make it less of a burden on the taxpayers if we sought funding from private industry — advertisements on the side of our rockets, selling contracts to the Arms Manufacturing industry, that kind of thing.”
  3. “If God had meant Man to fly, he would have given us solid rocket boosters instead of legs,” says religious type Ola Schwarzenegger. “We should not be looking to the stars, but rather inside our own hearts. That’s why we should abandon this so-called space program, and instead make the teaching of religion mandatory in all schools.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, colonial citizens are forced to sing the praise of the "Great Random Chaosian Liberator".

2022-06-06 09:30

Colonial Testimonial

After Random Chaos recently acquired its very own colony, tensions have been running high as to how the events leading up to this should be portrayed in the history books, both in Random Chaos City and in its newfound overseas territory.

  1. “Well, they’re part of the Free Land now, so it only makes sense that we share one account of history,” says Wil Deming, a Random Chaosian native vacationing in the newly annexed territory, while adjusting his khakis and brand new pith helmet. “And that account should obviously be the glorious tale of how Random Chaos heroically ended their age of barbarism and brought the shining beacon of civilization to its heathen populace. That is after all, more or less, what happened. Stating otherwise would be nothing short of provincial bigotry due to wounded pride.”
  2. “It’s a matter of pride, yes, but foremost of historical accuracy,” asserts Boyson Latham, a former guerrilla who somehow miraculously survived your massive counterinsurgency. “We must teach the children, both in Random Chaos and here, about what actually happened. History is supposed to be about the facts. It should educate, not propagate imperialist dogma and effectively teach our kids to be ashamed of their home and whitewash all your war crimes. Let the history books tell the horrible truth and brand all Random Chaosian oppressors as the monsters they truly are, especially you, Leader!”
  3. “Look, we’re not going to agree on this any time soon, so why not make both sides happy?” suggests Grace Sanchez, cultural anthropologist and author of the academically acclaimed book ‘Can We Please Just Respect Everyone And Everything All The Time?’ “Random Chaos doesn’t want to be remembered as the brutal oppressor, and our new, eh, friends, don’t want their hardships swept under the rug. So, let each territory have their own version of history! What could possibly go wrong?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, angst-filled teenagers are rushing off to buy government bonds for some odd reason.

2022-06-06 03:30

Turn Down That Racket, Say Morality Police

A group of concerned parishioners and soccer moms has petitioned the government of Random Chaos to outlaw heavy metal music, which they fear is a bad influence on youngsters.

  1. “Heavy metal music is a plague in our good nation and its God-fearing people!” argues local priest and easy listening advocate Elizabeth Bacon. “Just the other day, I heard a song by some group called Hell’s Irate Puppies with a sinful quantity of bass and drum... oh, and there were probably some lines about killing parents, too, I’d imagine! It’s vital that we ban this music, and remove this terrible influence from our children’s lives! Think of the children!”
  2. “Whoa, man... what’s with the, like, censorship and stuff?” asks Joseph Giono, scruffy-haired bassist of the popular speed metal band The Destroyinators. “You can’t, like, censor the music, man. That’s how we express ourselves! Every bass beat is me baring my soul! Every howl is me complainin’ about how my parents tried to kick me out of their basement! Besides, what’s wrong with Satan? He’s just misunderstood anyway. I say promote the arts, man!”
  3. “You know, this heavy metal issue has me thinking,” says Gregory, your brother, over your weekly game of cribbage. “If these long-haired freaks want to put out their devil-worshipping metal, why don’t we let them? Of course, we’ll put a little subliminal propaganda into every song... after all, don’t these guys owe their freedom of expression to you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a milk bath costs more than bathing in money.

2022-06-05 21:30

Milking It

Random Chaosian consumers have seen the prices of dairy products continue to skyrocket, seemingly without reason. However, a recent exposé by an investigative journalist has finally shed light on this situation: the three largest dairy producers in Random Chaos have conspired to fix prices.

  1. “Shame! Shame! Down with the cartels!” chants Ella Dlamini, an angry protestor, ringing a cow bell in sync with her slogans. “We’ve had to pay exorbitant prices for basic dairy foodstuffs, all because a bunch of industry fat cats decided they wanted to rip us off! You should immediately implement strict antitrust laws across all industries to prevent such collusions, and make these price-fixers pay a sizeable deterrent fine.”
  2. “What? Holy cow! We were just trying to, uh, help our farmers!” exclaims Curd Holstein, CEO of MooMoo Pure Dairy. “Supermarket price wars were driving milk rates so low that dairy farmers were running at a loss, and struggling to make ends meet. Our noble goal was to improve their lot by increasing the prices, but nobody appreciates us! You should support and congratulate us, Leader, as well as provide subsidies to the dairy industry.”
  3. “It’s a shame that we have to pay for basic commodities like this,” muses embittered socialist Josh Leach. “Look, imagine you have two cows and... no, wait, that doesn’t work. What I mean to say is that the government should pay producers a fixed tariff, and then supply a milk ration directly to the people. That will prevent greedy businesspeople from endangering people’s health for profit, and ensure that nobody will go to bed hungry!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government believes in trickle-down happiness.

2022-06-05 15:30

Feudal Feuds

After an economic report from the Treasury revealed that the productivity of the country’s serfs is at an all-time low, a delegation from the disgruntled nobility has barged into your office proposing solutions to the problem at hand.

  1. “Clearly, serfdom as a system is not working,” opines the infamous Duke of Random Chaos City, as his disaffected serf painstakingly peels grapes at his side. “But you know what system does work? Slavery. Think about it. You don’t need to give them any rights whatsoever, they can be bought as children and sold as adults for a massive profit, and if they misbehave or rebel, we simply kill them. Besides, slavery has been going on for centuries. One could even say it’s the natural order of things.”
  2. “The problem is us, not the system,” remarks Lady Verisimilitude as she anxiously glances over the Treasury’s figures again. “We’ve been far too harsh with our serfs by constantly trading and moving them between our various estates all while working them to the grave. With the government’s supervision and some new regulations, we could more effectively maintain the serfs’ produc... I mean, health by ensuring they have access to water breaks, family visits, and maybe even a tribunal where they can lodge complaints.”
  3. “Supervision? Regulations? What socialist nonsense is this?!” exclaims the overweight Marquis de Marzipan while twirling his sugar-coated mustache. “It is our ancient right to own serfs and have them work our lands however we dictate! It says so right in the constitution! Somewhere... I’m sure of it. Anyway, the point is, don’t take my serfs away! Instead, why don’t you just give us a tax break so we can afford to survive this current stint of unproductivity. The last thing my serfs want to see is their beloved master suffering like a mere peasant!”
  4. “Feudalism is an archaic and draconian custom that mars our fair land in the cruelest tyranny,” asserts the Duke’s surprisingly erudite serf, while purposefully knocking over a bowl of freshly-peeled grapes onto her stunned lord’s lap. “We are Random Chaosian just as much as you, and as such we demand our freedom as any other self-respecting Random Chaosian would. It’s time you got rid of this medieval, barbaric practice—and revoke all aristocratic titles while you’re at it! That’ll make us all equal then.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parties on cruise ships go off with a real bang.

2022-06-05 09:30

What Do We Do With a Drunken Sailor?

The Random Chaosian navy has always allowed shore leave when docked at ports in the tiny allied nation of Prudenlund. However, after a brawl involving two hundred rowdy Random Chaosian sailors in Prudenlund’s quiet city streets made international news, the admiralty has begun exploring ways to repair its image.

  1. “This... this is disgraceful!” states red-faced Rear Admiral Armstrong. “These sailors are acting like common hooligans! I say we round them up, court martial the ringleaders and forbid all shore leave for the foreseeable future. Our reputation is at stake here.”
  2. “It’s not shore leave that’s the problem here, it’s the devil’s nectar!” notes dour-faced Warrant Officer Gibson. “Let our sailors have their shore leave, but forbid them from drinking. We’ll just breathalyze them on their way back to the ship. As for any that fail... well, we can always break the old cat o’ nine tails out of the naval history museum.”
  3. “A drop of Merkel’s Blood never done us any harm!” chants Bosun’s Mate Stone, swaying slightly from side to side. “Getting hamm... er, drinking on shore leave is a sailor’s right from time immemorial! Those stuck up Prudenlundians wouldn’t know a good time if it smacked them round the head with a bottle! If they’re so opposed to our lot enjoying themselves - then our ships should just avoid their ports and maybe we should stop trading with them too. That’ll learn’em!”
  4. “Now... now wait here just a minute...” slurs a queasy cadet who appears to have gatecrashed the meeting. “I’ve been talking to my mates, right... and we don’t wanna be in the navy any more. We might have to kill people and that’s kind of a downer... but on the bright side, we throw the best parties! Say, that’s a thought - let’s get rid of the whole navy nonsense and open up our warships for party cruises!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, research into 'designer babies' is banned.

2022-06-05 04:00

Buy a Better Baby?

A top fertility clinic has recently announced a new service allowing parents to create so-called ‘designer babies’.

  1. “Embryo selection isn’t really genetic engineering in the technical sense,” explains Dr. Athena Watts, owner of the Babies-2-Go Clinic. “It’s more like being able to have a dozen abortions per month until you get the foetus you desire. I can’t really see what’s wrong with parents who can afford it being able to eliminate foetuses with undesirable genetic traits - like stupidity.”
  2. “Thou shalt pay for thy sins!” screams Fergus Day, waving a crucifix. “This is just meddling with the sanctity of life. If these children are to be born with horrible defects then it’s God’s will and who are we to question it? This technology must be banned at once!”
  3. “This technology shows promise,” muses Kristen Lacombe, Minister of Health. “But we can’t trust the private sector with the future of our nation’s children. We must place it under strict government regulation, so that we only screen out embryos with serious genetic conditions.”
  4. “This has got me thinkin’,” says General Quincy Rudd, thumbing through a big folder marked ‘X’. “If this technology lets us reduce genetic defects, then couldn’t it work the other way? We could create ourselves an army of genetically superior soldiers! With our army of Super Soldiers, no nation would dare stand in our way!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is committed to nuclear rearmament.

2022-06-04 22:00

Virtually Assured Destruction

Last week a mothballed Random Chaosian nuclear missile exploded deep underground, triggering a catastrophic earthquake in rural Random Chaos. The little evidence that could be recovered from the debris indicates that the explosion was caused by neglected maintenance of outdated warheads, spurring debate over the state of the nation’s nuclear arsenal.

  1. “We clearly need a total overhaul,” states Colonel Heather Chip of the Random Chaosian Nuclear Deterrence Program, quite calmly despite the clamor outside of your office. “It will be costly, but once we have a new generation of warheads ready, we’ll be perfectly safe from another incident like this happening, at least during my own tenure. We will, of course, need to dispose of the old missiles to make room for their replacements, but I’m sure the nuclear industry would jump at an ongoing contract to recycle the plutonium for us. It’s certainly cheaper than mining more ore out of the ground.”
  2. “Really?” objects Sage Flanders of the Random Chaosian Security Agency, startling you as he appears seemingly out of nowhere. “You actually think it was just a malfunction? Why do you think there was so little evidence left? That warhead was clearly detonated intentionally; I don’t know if it was terrorists or spies from one of our rivals, but someone did this, and they did it for a reason. Our primary concern should be with securing our missile bases against sabotage. People may still be scared of nuclear malfunction, but hey - if nobody wants to live near our nukes, that only strengthens national security.”
  3. “You’re all ignoring the real problem!” shouts a protester as she bursts through the door to your office. “The nukes were a bad idea from the get-go! Sooner or later we’re going to annihilate ourselves with another accident. What’s the point of even having a deterrent if we’re just going to blow ourselves up? For the sake of humanity, the environment, and the national budget, it’s time to disarm ALL nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, neighboring nations are tired of Random Chaos's big fish stories.

2022-06-04 15:30

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

Mounting scientific research shows the fishery stocks across territorial waters are plummeting, with the possibility of whole fisheries collapsing in the near future.

  1. “There is only one reasonable thing to do,” proclaims Basil Anderson, head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Fish. “We must immediately introduce limited fishing quotas, add restrictions on catch size, and punish any violators harshly! There simply aren’t enough fish to go around. I’m afraid the fishing industry will just have to take one for the school.”
  2. “Hold on there, matey!” exclaims Fleur Garcia, head of the Trawler and Angler Trade Union of Random Chaos. “Surely there are plenty of fish in the sea, at least in the remote, international waters of The Hatrackia? The government must subsidize a massive fleet of full sea trawlers. Do that and we’ll have those fine-finned delicacies back on your table in no time!”
  3. “There is inadequate data to know with such certainty fisheries are in danger of collapse,” suggests Lance Mealor, contrarian professor in the Department of Marine Studies and Fin Cuisine at University of Random Chaos City while reaching for a slice of lemon. “Maybe it’s been a rough few years for our gilled friends for reasons other than the millions of fish we catch a year. The only thing to do is collect more data. Keep things as they are and continue to monitor fish intake. If fish catches continue to decrease over the next two to three hundred years, then we can be sure we have a problem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, droves of former desperados are applying to join the border police.

2022-06-04 09:30

Cowboys and... Aliens?

A gang of rough-riders has been policing towns along Random Chaos’s border, rounding up illegal aliens and “escorting” them back home.

  1. “Who do these thugs think they are?” asks popular liberal blogger Bruce Robinson. “The police should be the only ones handling border control! If we leave it in the hands of wild frontiersmen, immigrants will be herded and probed like gamblers! It’s despicable, it’s degrading, and it must be stopped!”
  2. “Why, we just helpin’ our community, is all,” drawls the self-proclaimed sheriff of the cowboy gang, Harry Fjord, as he slides off his saddle to shake your hand. “Matta’fact, we’re helpin’ the gov’ment as well, enforcin’ border control and keepin’ yer towns safe from them damned illegals. I can handle m’boys, so don’t you worry ‘bout a thing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sales of trenchcoats are on the rise.

2022-06-04 03:30

I’ll Be Watching You

During a recent TV documentary, retired police officer Daenerys Head revealed that she had arrested your Minister of Law and Order, Moe Quagmire, for voyeurism as a teenager. You have since faced calls to not only fire Mr. Quagmire, but also to implement an exhaustive and accessible sex offenders registry.

  1. “A sex offenders registry is an absolute must,” states Ingmar Park, your Public Safety Minister, while giving Mr. Quagmire the evil eye. “It’s a necessary tool to keep the public safe and aware of all the creeps that are out there. If we give a little more funding to our boys and girls in blue, we’ll have it up in no time. Wouldn’t it be great to see which of your neighbors is a pervert?”
  2. “My whole life is ruined because of a dumb mistake thirty years ago!” wails Mr. Quagmire, as he glances up to check that you have noticed his tear. “We all make mistakes. It’s not like I hurt anyone! People shouldn’t be punished for a moment of teenage stupidity — what about my right to privacy? All misdemeanor crimes of ten years ago or more should be scrubbed from the records.”
  3. “As though anyone can’t tell he’s dangerous by those shifty eyes!” insinuates Police Chief Michonne Venkman, who likes to call police brutality ‘enthusiastic questioning’. “Creating a sex offenders registry would be awfully time-consuming and tie up officers who should be out on the streets arresting those jaywalking scumbags. We should bring back good old-fashioned public shaming by branding the sex offenders. It’ll make my job so much easier and bring in a new golden age of law and order!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, crowded passenger trains are near-silent save for the soft tap of fingers on touchscreens.

2022-06-03 21:30

Mobile Maladies

Recent technological developments in mobile phones are raising concerns from your citizens about the possible harm they are doing to the modern generation.

  1. “Everyone is just staring at their phone screens these days!” messages anti-mobile lobbyist François Starkey, via the WotsOn chat service. “Between social media, augmented reality games and personal assistant software, people now spend more time looking at and talking to their phones than they do interacting with real people! Let’s not forget the dangers of these distracting devices either: inattentive driving, pedestrian collisions, eye strain, repetitive strain injuries... They’ve caused more deaths than exploding cupboards, the ironing board, and Godzilla put together. I say we create just one hour every lunchtime where everybody is obliged to keep their phones off. Let’s rediscover the art of conversation!”
  2. “This is utter nonsense. Mobile phones are nothing other than beneficial to society! I’ll have you know that not one of our privately-funded studies has found the slightest bit of evidence to the contrary!” argues Lana Bulsara, CEO of Amber Phones, gesturing towards a wiggly line on a clipboard as she nonchalantly slips a wad of chips into your back pocket. “Have you ever seen anyone drop dead in the street just because they were chatting on one of our new uPhone85 models for sale now at low, low prices? No! It’s just blatant scaremongering! I implore the government to dismiss these crackpots’ complaints.”
  3. “I don’t believe they’re harmful either,” says Raphael Hayes, a teacher. “But it’s obvious to everyone what a detrimental effect it has on our children! Everywhere I look, I’m seeing children as young as four tapping away at the blasted things! Do you know how many lessons I’ve had interrupted by the ‘Crazy Gambler’ ringtone, or by little Timmy saying there’s a collectable Pokeachew under my desk? Do you know how many of my pupils think ‘great’ is spelled with a number? Too many! Only adults should be allowed to own and use mobile phones!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosians have been enjoying a recent boost in civil rights as the government continues to clamp down on emigration.

2022-06-03 15:30

The Law of Exodus

Several prominent critics of the government’s ban on emigration have been captured at the border after almost managing to smuggle themselves out of the country by hiding in a manure truck. Their arrest has triggered a debate about the merits of such strict border controls on Random Chaosian citizens.

  1. “It almost feels as if we’re prisoners in our own nation,” protests Bhooshit Levy, while being hauled off to custody by several officers wearing pegs on their noses. “As much as we love Random Chaos, not all of us want to live or work here, especially when there are better opportunities elsewhere. I was all lined up to take on an exciting new teaching job in Maxtopia, only for government goons to appear at my door to tell me I couldn’t. How is that fair? The ban on emigration must be lifted!”
  2. “Having a ban on emigration makes sure that our resources, I mean people, remain in Random Chaos,” reminds one of your most trusted, and sycophantic, advisers. “In fact, I’d recommend tougher enforcement of the ban. Oh! What about a massive wall surrounding our borders manned by armed guards? Huge guard towers! Tank and helicopter patrols! Freakin’ gamblers with freakin’ lasers on their heads! We must spare no expense in keeping our iron grip - er, our loving hand - on every last Random Chaosian!”
  3. “You’re both missing the real solution!” interrupts your accountant Fumiko Schultz, while combing through your tax returns. “Random Chaosians want to leave? Let them, but tax the Violet out of them before they go. A good 90% exit tax allows us a healthy return on our investment while getting rid of the traitorous scum who want to leave. It’s win-win!”
  4. “Have you ever thought of why people want to emigrate?” asks human rights activist Lebron Bakker, who somehow managed to sneak past security. “Look around you: oppression and pollution everywhere. There are no jobs available: is it any surprise people are looking for them overseas? If the government actually did something to fix these things, no one would want to leave. Improve civil rights, expand public works programs, promote economic recovery, and the emigration debate would disappear overnight.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every spring railroad foundations erode to reveal human remains.

2022-06-03 10:00

The Path Less Traveled

While Random Chaos’s northern ports bustle with trade during the summer time, this flurry of activity freezes to a standstill at the onset of winter when thick sheets of ice form over the frigid waters. This seasonal impasse both severely limits economic productivity and makes resupply of the region difficult.

  1. “Leader, we have a brilliant opportunity!” excitedly cheers Rory Rhee, the mayor of one of the cities. “Imagine, our city, a front to the world in both summer and winter. All we need to do is develop and deploy a whole fleet of state-of-the-art icebreakers the likes of which the world has never seen before! I can just picture it now: hundreds of ships and thousands of tourists could finally bring millions of chips from across the globe to my port... err, Random Chaos.”
  2. “Why spend money on expensive icebreakers when good old-fashioned railroads can do the work year round?” questions infamous rail tycoon Cecil Vanderbilt, as his assistant places a model train on your desk. “Invest in my company and ease some health and safety standards, and my men can build and maintain the tracks for a pittance. Full steam ahead! Choo choo!”
  3. “Why don’t we just stockpile before winter?” asks Alejandro Yeats, an advocate of human hibernation. “We bring in everything we need in autumn and don’t worry about nothin’ in winter. You can help defray the cost of our survival by funding winter fuel allowances and cold weather food supplies for the poorest in the area.”
  4. “I have ze perfect solution,” announces crazed crackpot climatologist Efthamia Ephron. “Mein data shows zat ze ice is ziner each passing year due in part to global varming. Now, vhy don’t ve just hurry it up by pumping ze atmosphere full of more chlorofluorocarbon? All zis ice will go bye-bye in under a decade! How cool vould zat be? Vell, not cool, you know... zere’d be no ice.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the year's most anticipated show is "Great Deals on Delicious Meals".

2022-06-03 03:30

Mal Appetit!

Hugh Jass, Random Chaos’s most famous TV foodie, drew a lot of criticism when he visited a world-class restaurant in yesterday’s episode and gorged on expensive gourmet foods in a manner that some viewers found too “appetite-stimulating.” Mr. Jass’ extravagance was said to be particularly disrespectful to millions of poor Random Chaosian citizens who could not afford one of the dishes he ate with their entire monthly salary.

  1. “How inconsiderate!” exclaims Desmond Foster, a labourer whose love for TV is accentuated by his square-framed eyeglasses. “While my family subsists on beans and rice, this guy shamelessly sups that fancy pasta and mushroom thing. My children ask why we never eat white Brancalandian truffles. What can I tell them? Leader, please ban these TV foodie shows so that our children will not have to grow up feeling self-conscious about our financial circumstances.”
  2. “Mon dieu!” grumbles Mr. Jass, sniffing his croissant, and throwing it away untouched. “Do these wretched ignorami not recognise the worth of a good tagliolini con tartufo? ‘Pasta with mushrooms’ indeed! If these peasants have neither the means nor aspiration to appreciate vicarious high-quality culinary culture, they can simply change the channel. I render a valuable service to our economy by giving publicity to our first-class restaurants. So, how about the government picks up the restaurant bills for our gastronomic journalism? I’ll cover the service charge, of course.”
  3. “Ahem, please excuse Mr. Jass’ terse reply. He adores all Random Chaosians. I’m sure we can find a compromise,” mutters Jessica McCarthy, the producer of Mr. Jass’ show, awkwardly fidgeting with her gold watch. “Rest assured, we can arrange to cater for the needs and desires of our under-resourced viewers. Perhaps you could incentivise Mr. Jass to show that he understands all his demographic, and should occasionally visit more affordable restaurants. What do you say?”
  4. “This is pathetic,” sneers Robin Wood, an advocate for equality, picking up the extra croissants on Mr. Jass’ plate and tossing them out of the window to the huddled masses who anxiously await your decision. “These poor, benighted workers fail to question why they are unable to afford these fancy foods in the first place. It’s because of this hideous income inequality! Leader, redistribute our great nation’s wealth and give a standard salary to everyone, no matter their job! No more, no less!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 10-year-olds who struggle with integrating by parts are considered slow learners.

2022-06-02 22:00

The Old Metric

Switching over to the metric system has certainly benefited your scientists and other such intellectuals. The common populace, however, is expressing a measure of doubt.

  1. “It’s such a headache!” complains celebrity chef Chun-Li Dvořák, brandishing a sauce-covered calculator. “I’d need to be an accountant to convert all my old recipes, and how do you expect me to quickly know how much broth I need when the measurement isn’t straight from the box itself? If the scientific folk want to use the metric system, let them, but don’t expect the common man to suffer for them!”
  2. “If it apparently takes so much time to do unit conversions, this is clearly an educational issue,” states math teacher Horatio Locke, while snatching the calculator from Chun-Li and delicately cleaning it. “With some more funding for mandatory after-school mathematics academies, our next generations will be able to calculate between any measurement system at lightning speed!” He delicately places the calculator on your desk. “Why, we may not even have a need for this soon enough.”
  3. “They don’t want to comply?” questions gruff researcher Dr. May Shakespeare, who’s known to be a bit of a loose-cannon, but a damn good scientist. “It’s not that hard to use the metric system! I say, if we find these perps with even a centigram of paper with the old measurement system on it we force them to convert it on the spot. If they refuse then fine them enough to reduce their net income by an order of magnitude.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people often complain that they're going in circuitous routes all the time.

2022-06-02 15:30

Which Right Is Right?

A long-awaited undersea tunnel linking Random Chaos to the island nation of Albionia has been completed — and motorists are rejoicing, or would be — if it weren’t for the fact that Albionia drives on the opposite side of the road. Whilst the changeover happens easily, foreign motorists arriving in Random Chaos sometimes get confused over which side to drive on, leading to an increase in accidents.

  1. “I’ve had a vision on how to solve this,” states Naki Harel, your Transport Minister, as she places a name-tag holder around your neck. “We just need to erect more signage and road markings telling people to drive on the Random Chaosian side of the road. This simple and economic measure will remind motorists which nation they are in, and the accidents will cease.”
  2. “These Albionians are a bunch of nincompoops and a few signs won’t stop them from driving on the wrong side,” complains traffic warden Tybalt O'Bannon, who’s notorious for yelling at motorists. “I mean, I caught an Albionian going the wrong way around a roundabout. How do you even do that? Everyone knows that if you drive on the left side of the road, go clockwise, and if you drive on the right, go anti-clockwise. Signage won’t help. We need to ban Albionians from driving here until they pass our driving test.”
  3. “I have the solution... again,” declares Bryson Ungar, your Minister of Creative Solutions, as he uses one of his shoes as an impromptu drinks holder. “Why don’t we just make all our roads one way? Then it doesn’t matter which side of the road you drive on, nor which side the steering wheel is on. It only matters in which direction you travel.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people who have never eaten chicken are told it tastes a bit like crocodile.

2022-06-02 09:30

An Acquired Taste

Public health officials across Random Chaos are demanding a restriction on bushmeat consumption, asserting that handling and eating bushmeat can transfer new and deadly diseases from animals to humans. These officials cite VODAIS, ebola and coronavirus as examples of diseases that were originally contracted by humans after eating bushmeat. You have arrived in the jungles of southern Random Chaos to assess the nation’s bushmeat market.

  1. “This is how a pandemic starts,” declares Dr. Marleen Chan, her arm extended at the scene before you. “You see here stalls selling bushmeat from the jungle, some scavenged from already-dead carcasses. Wild animals are pathogen factories; we shouldn’t be ingesting their flesh. Look at that butcher’s floor, covered in monkey blood! VODAIS started with cross-species viral transmission, and this is how the next killer will start too. Good public health practice demands that you should restrict the sale and consumption of meat from non-farmed animals.”
  2. “Stop stirring the pot,” jeers Solomon Humperdink, a bushmeat vendor, chewing on a grilled bat wing. “This fearmongering kills business and keeps us poor and starving. You scientists have heads full of ideas, but we need full bellies! We cannot survive without bushmeat, and it is part of our culture! Besides, people only get sick because they’re not used to how rich and delicious it tastes. If the government really wants to help you should supply us with meat lockers, soap, hunting equipment and logistics assistance to help us bring the meats to market.”
  3. “Let them eat ape!” declares military strategist Mary Antwunnet. “This place is a breeding ground for new deadly diseases. Under the guise of altruism, we could set up a center here to monitor and research new viruses. We could pretend to be helping the villagers while secretly weaponizing our findings. We’ll be at the top of the world’s food chain when we’re done.”
  4. “We can’t really force our way of living on these peoples,” states your Minister for Creative Solutions. “It’s not them that’s the problem; it’s our involvement in their society spreading potentially infected meat. Let’s leave them alone. We’ll remove all trace of our civilization — hospitals, medical facilities and so on and declare it a nature reserve, with only the locals being allowed to live here. With a strict quarantine for anyone coming in or out, there’s no chance of a virus beyond their villages.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, national magistrates in Random Chaos City are overwhelmed with cases of petty larceny and attempted witchcraft.

2022-06-02 03:30

The Court of the Crimson Lord

One of Random Chaos’s highest-ranking nobles, Lord Giles, has been criticized for the draconian management of his estate. After the ninth execution of a serf was reported within a month, you have traveled to Giles’ court to discuss the matter personally.

  1. “You’re just in time for the entertainment!” booms Lord Giles, flashing you a toothy grin. “Pay no mind to any outcries, Leader. The lower folk must know their place; we can’t give the wretches any leeway, can we? Now, do stick around. We’ve got a wonderful choir performing soon, made up of some of the little ‘uns from a nearby village. You wouldn’t believe what the threat of punishing their parents does to their music: heavenly sounds! I swear, Random Chaos could learn a thing or two.”
  2. Lady Giles, clothed all in black, observes another execution from afar. “That one made some disparaging remarks about us in a tavern,” she notes flatly, sighing. “Truth be told, this has all gotten so boring. The event’s over too quick, not to mention that people can’t learn their lesson when they’re dead. Active rehabilitation of these peasants - by which I mean frequent beatings - would be so much more efficient for the estate’s funds... and provide us with such lively entertainment.”
  3. The keeper of the estate’s keys, Heather Fripp, pulls you aside. “None of us can take much more of this,” she whispers. “Any one of the estate servants, not to mention the regular villagers, could be targeted next. If the threat of retribution wasn’t so ominous, I’d have locked them out of the house long ago. This is not normal. This is not right. On my life, I beg of you to close the shutters on this charade and remove these two tyrants from their positions of power.”
  4. “Why are local nobles in charge of executions, anyway?” interjects the court gardener, while planting an evergreen. “If we allow the nobility to maintain near-absolute power, it would only be a matter of time before they abuse their power in some other way. This overgrowth of corruption by our feudal lords must be uprooted and burned like a pernicious weed! If the national government takes back its shears of judicial power, the other nobles will think twice before setting themselves up to be pruned.”
  5. A yellow-robed jester approaches you, displaying gaudily-designed finger puppets on his right hand. Oddly enough, you notice the puppets bear a strong resemblance to a number of powerful Random Chaosian nobles. After a moment, the jester brings out his left hand, revealing more finger puppets that are dressed in rags and carry pitchforks and torches. Without saying a word, he pantomimes a fight between the two groups in which the peasants beat the nobles into submission and chase them away. Winking at you, he blends back into the crowd.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids looking for shark teeth have become ancient history.

2022-06-01 21:30

Throwing Paleontologists a Bone

After a commercial fossil hunter discovered an incredibly rare and nearly complete Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton, and subsequently announced their intent to sell it to the highest bidder at an auction house, a debate kicked off on the ethics of for-profit fossil hunting. One of your more dinosaur-obsessed aides has convinced you to visit a dig site and obtain first-hand knowledge on the matter.

  1. “Fossil hunters are destroying our precious fossil record!” cries Dr. Cumberbatch, a noted paleontologist, while gently brushing the dirt from a Triceratops skull. “They’re not adequately documenting the context of the fossils they find, they’re careless with less profitable specimens, and it’s going to cost Random Chaos City University a bundle to try and keep that precious T. rex in public hands. You need to make a law that only publicly funded paleontologists with scientific, not capitalist, intentions are allowed to collect fossils.”
  2. “These bones are a limited-time offer,” states Luna Kirk, the fossil hunter at the center of the controversy, slinging a jackhammer behind her back. “The government will never have the funding to find and collect them all, so they’d probably be eroded away in a few years anyway. Besides, fossil hunting is a great hobby; it gets people outdoors, educates them about Random Chaos’s past, and can even put some cash in their pockets if they’re lucky. Just disseminate some basic guidelines on documentation so citizens can help preserve the scientific record, and encourage the free market to compete.”
  3. “Why are y’all even spendin’ any of my tax dollars on hoity-toity gov’ment museums and paleonto-whatevers?” asks Sarkan Rodriguez, the rancher on whose land the dig is occurring. “Seems like there’s plenty of private money for bone collection and display. You should cut gov’ment funding for such nonsense entirely.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, whipping posts and lashes have been transferred to the Historical Museum of Random Chaosian Embarrassments.

2022-06-01 15:30

Whipping Up a Controversy

Amnesty Interregional has repeatedly ranked Random Chaos as one of the worst human rights abusers in the world, citing your government’s severe punishments for ordinary crimes. Embarrassed by the bad press, your government is considering ending its practice of flogging criminals.

  1. “This punishment is barbaric!” cries leading activist Meadow Smith, while whipping out leaflets on Random Chaosian law enforcement. “We’re no better than backward dictatorships like Maxtopia who flog their criminals for the most trivial of crimes! Random Chaos is a nation of decency and respect, but these whippings tarnish our reputation for humanity. We implore the government to end this medieval practice now!”
  2. “Are you kidding me?” rhetorically asks the precinct’s premier whipper, Kusang Blofeld, while applying a new grip to his favorite cat o’ nine tails. “Flogging criminals is so exciting - I mean effective. Yeah, effective. I deter criminals from misbehaving with the lash of my whip. If anything, you should expand the list of crimes punishable by flogging. Then I could really have some fun!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a newly discovered small mammal's name translates into Random Chaosian as 'your finger, you fool'.

2022-06-01 09:30

Who’s This Little Rascal?

On an expedition to one of the many lush forests in a distant colony, explorers have discovered a previously unknown furry four-legged marsupial. Apparently unsure of which other authority figure to turn to, they have brought the issue of naming the species to your attention.

  1. “We found this extraordinary specimen in a dense forest deep in the darkest heart of a land of dense rainforests,” begins to explain the head of the expedition, Fleur Han, proudly proffering the stuffed beastie in a display case. “It is new to us, but maybe the locals have seen it before and have a name for it. I say we just grab the first tribal native fella we come across, point to the thing, and see what name he gives it.”
  2. A rather dashing fellow with a swagger stick and a pith helmet approaches your desk, followed by a train of manservants bent double under his luggage. “Well, as our great nation is in control of their savage land, and the fact that it was we who were the first to find and officially document the varmint, I say we name it something that would be more appealing to the greater Random Chaosian culture.”
  3. “Oh whatever...” says your Minister of Simplicity, pushing aside their glass of tap water. “Why all the fuss for an animal that has about twenty look-alikes? Why not simply step up and declare that whoever discovers a new species, it gets named after them? That would save us a lot of time!”
  4. “NO!” shouts the very patriotic governor of the colony, Viceroy Lancelot North. “Don’t let this critter be named after any average Joe! It was you who the explorers have to thank for being able to go on that expedition in the first place, and it was you who established this colony for the betterment of our great nation! I say we name it after you, great Leader!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, casino tax breaks are even bigger than their jackpots.

2022-06-01 03:30

Betting on the Future

During a family dinner, your brother - who is well-known for his fondness for slot machines - bemoaned the fact that his favorite casino was going out of business. The next day, you found out that he has secretly arranged to have several major casino owners meet you in your office.

  1. Edward Rump, owner of the failing casino, shakes your hand for an awkwardly extended period of time. “There are so many problems for honest businessmen like me. That’s what they’re all saying. Believe me, the worst is the terrible zoning and property laws in our nation today. The worst. We need to have our casinos in the best places to reach the very very best people. These laws are destroying our nation. Bigly. Without them, it’ll be amazing. Only the best, I’m telling you. You’ll have so much money, you’ll be sick of money.”
  2. “No, you’ve got it all backwards,” says ‘Portly’ Pete Russo, board member of the Random Chaosian Gambling Commission, comping you a ‘free drink’ from your own drinks cabinet. “What’s killin’ us are those taxes of yours. They’re highway robbery! Shift the tax burden from us to income tax and I bet we’d be able to increase our operations and bring in even bigger hauls that’d more’n make up the difference. Seriously, I’ll give you two-to-one odds, what’d you say? Anyway, we’re the lifeblood of the economy, and you wouldn’t want to be the one responsible for bumpin’ off an industry that nets ya so much dough, now would ya?”
  3. Your brother, who has been eavesdropping the whole time through your office door’s keyhole, interrupts the group. “How about instead we use tax money to purchase credit for casinos and then distribute that credit to every taxpayer? That way they’re basically getting a tax break and there’s an incentive for people to try these really entertaining games. Oh - totally unrelated - but could you lend me some money again?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, society and government have been organized according to a feudal hierarchy.

2022-05-31 21:30

Should the Government Grant Estates and Titles of Nobility?

A peculiar confederacy of small-government advocates, regular attendees at Random Chaos’s annual Medieval Faire, and the super rich have demanded that the government grant estates and confer titles of nobility upon certain influential persons.

  1. “I humbly submit myself for Duke of Random Chaos City,” says multi-billionaire Kyidawa Harris. “Not only would it be an apt reward for my contributions to Random Chaos, but the citizens who become landed serfs on my estate would work harder than they ever have in all their lives.” Adds small-government advocate Fatima Obama, “Government would at last return to the local level, close to the people and the land to which they would be bound for life.”
  2. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this,” exclaims noted civil rights advocate Kurt vandeBerg. “Those who are behind this espouse a system that grants inordinate amounts of institutional power to the rich and ensures that no one will be able to climb the social ladder. Everyone in society must be granted an equal opportunity to succeed or fail. Say ‘no’ to a nobility!”
  3. “I think both of the other parties are taking this issue to the extreme,” argues a learned elderly gentleman resting on a park bench. “All that’s being advocated is giving those who have contributed to their nation a ceremonial title and a bit of land. Besides,” he adds, “the government can tax their estate.”
  4. “A good day to thee, milord,” counters Rebecca Collins, an amateur Medieval Faire actor dressed in period costume, “I would suggest that thou hasten thyself to spectate at the jousting competition this forenoon. Aye, quite a bout we have arrayed for thee this day. However, the whole affair could be much grander if only we received a few more gold crownes from the government. Aye, ‘twould be a grand tourney of knightly skill and courage indeed!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the mood of raunchy movies is often ruined by the sound of babies crying.

2022-05-31 15:30

Curtains for the Horrorshow

After last week’s highly anticipated release of the new horror movie “Scary Dream on Fifth Street”, reports have been coming in that movie theaters across Random Chaos City have been allowing children as young as five to watch the film despite the recommendation of ratings boards that the film is suitable only for adults.

  1. “Oh, the horror!” exclaims Rochelle Cheyney, president of watchdog group Mothers For Kids’ Safeguarding. “The parts with the eating of the brains, the horrible mutilations, that policeman with liberal politics... it was so gut-churningly disgusting, even I stopped watching! These children will be scarred for life! It’s time to crack down on movie theaters that are harming our younger generation: everyone, without exception, must provide proof of their age, and any who allow children to watch films rated for adults should be fined and prosecuted!”
  2. Seven-year-old Rosalia Janeway has seen the movie in question and disagrees. “I liked the film. I especially enjoyed the part where the zombie tore off the man’s arms. My mommy says that because I’m a kid, I shouldn’t see this movie, but I think the ratings aren’t really rules. They’re just someone’s advice, right? Some of us children are really smart and are totally not as easy to influence as grown-ups think. And if you disagree, then... then... **** you, I’ll KILL YOU, you ****ING *********! RAAAAAARGH!” Security drags her away as she claws at their eyes.
  3. “Who needs these kinds of movies in the first place?” asks your grandmother, drinking tea and reminiscing about her younger years. “Back when I raised your parents we didn’t have so many scary movies, and look how they turned out. The people who make the movies in the first place should have to test them in front of a young audience, and if even one kid gets scared or upset, the film should be banned. We can’t have these awful films being seen by the public, can we?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, light entertainment shows are light on actual entertainment.

2022-05-31 09:30

Random Chaos Falls Flat in Singing Contest

Last night, in the finals of popular reality TV contest The Hatrackiavision, the Random Chaosian representative lost, despite giving what almost all critics in Random Chaos have declared to be a superior performance. The enraged masses have inexplicably decided that the best course of action is to storm your office to voice their complaints.

  1. “It was rigged!” chants real housewife of Random Chaos City, Peggy McCarthy Karsprintian, who is so angered that she is speaking at a pace you’re having trouble keeping up with. “Half the judges looked to be Maxtopian to me, and you know what those people think of us and our culture. The contest must be rerun, this time with more unbiased judges from Random Chaos. If the rest of The Hatrackia doesn’t agree, threaten trade sanctions, heck, maybe even outright war. Our national pride depends on this!”
  2. “Clearly, the rest of The Hatrackia are just uncultured idiots!” crescendoes Grogu Solo, who was recently voted the country’s most-eligible bachelor. “If they can’t appreciate us, who needs them? The government should sponsor its own patriotic song contest! Call it Random Chaosian Idol, only let native-born Random Chaosians compete, and let Random Chaosians vote for a winner. A song for the people, by the people, to the people, from the people. Or something.”
  3. “For sure, everyone knows that The Hatrackiavision always has every nation giving top marks to their favourite historic allies,” intones reality show survivor Geoff Probes. “Maybe instead you should be asking why other nations don’t feel inclined to treat Random Chaos that way. Maybe you should be investing more in diplomacy, in mutual-backscratching, in favorable trade deals traded for agreeable song contest votes. This is how the world works, and we should be learning to play nice with our neighbors.”
  4. “If you ask me, these low-brow shows are making your average Random Chaosian no smarter than a 5th-grader,” croons your apprentice, after finally clearing the rabble from your office. “If only more shows on TV were serious, like 60 Clock-ticks, or informative, like Will Zeke the Science Geek, then television could actually help create a smarter, more refined populace.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teens reminisce about when birthdays weren't celebrated with a cool glass of cabbage juice and a slice of corn-cream topped millet cake.

2022-05-31 03:30

Feasting or Fasting?

After a month spent surveying the country and asking adolescents to bend over and touch their toes, researchers from the Healthy Eating Analytical Research Think Tank limped home to nurse some black eyes and calculate their figures. They found that Random Chaosian teenagers are among the fattest in the world. Now, as you sit down to a sumptuous seven-course meal and a decent Marche Noirian red, your guests are all keen to opine on the topic.

  1. “You know what you should do?” says your nephew, Kim, cramming a slice of peacock-stuffed-ostrich into his mouth. “You should have a big annual games, just like the Ancient Maxtopians did, where gladiators fight to the death with spears. Except this time, the fatties get thrown into the arena. The winners would receive hundreds of thousands of chips,” he jumps in his seat excitedly, “A- And t-the losers,” a little peacock flies out of his mouth, “would perish like the wimps they are. I bet you anything people will flock to Random Chaos City to see jumbo mortal combat!”
  2. “Why have teens fight with sticks when you can offer them carrots instead?” asks Brenda Walker, the catering assistant who always wanted to be a chef, while wheeling in a cake tray. “Just replace all those nasty sugars and fats with healthy alternatives.” She places a meringue beneath your nose, smiling with pleasure as you take a bite, “You’d never guess that meringue’s made with stevia, agar gel and chickpea aquafaba egg substitute!” She beams, as you spit the chemical concoction discreetly into a napkin, “Just force manufacturers to take all those nasty ingredients out of our food, and our young people will be fitter in no time.”
  3. “Yea, verily we are a nation of gluttons, forgive us,” pontificates the Archbishop of Random Chaos City, Prospero Cumberbatch, before cracking open his sixth lobster-claw. “If we are to be absolved, we must fast. Make it compulsory that every Random Chaosian, children included, fast for forty days every year in accordance with our religious principles... except those of advanced spiritual enlightenment, like us,” he adds, out of the corner of his mouth, “That’ll trim waistlines and straighten out a few souls too.”
  4. “How ‘bout this for an idea?” blurts Otohime Kowalski, author of popular self-help manual ‘Big, Brainy and Beautiful’. “Just butt out. Big is who I am, and big is beautiful. Stop trying to legislate our teens’ behinds, and instead promote plus-size beauty for the betterment of our national self-esteem. A little butter never hurt no one; that’s what I’ve always said!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it turns out that you actually can put a price on intangible cultural heritage.

2022-05-30 21:30

Tatty Treaty Spat Turns Catty

University scholars recently made headlines for their discovery that an antiquated treaty between the government and the native Violetstone tribe was never correctly translated into the tribe’s language. The treaty - in which the tribe agreed to give up a substantial portion of their native lands - used verb tenses which implied that the agreement was only temporary. Speakers have converged in your office from each of the four directions to give their opinion on the matter.

  1. Chief Sitting Gambler, elected representative of the Violetstone tribe, paces in front of your desk indignantly. “All my ancestors have been cheated of our sacred land by your people. How are we supposed to thrive on tiny parcels of arid land like Spruce Ridge and Leaning Rock Reservations? I demand that all that was once ours is immediately returned to us, regardless of whether the land is privately or publicly owned. It is our heritage and birthright!”
  2. “This simply cannot happen!” proclaims Sanjeev Pence, your Minister of Housing and Development, after Chief Sitting Gambler has returned to the sweat lodge that he constructed on your front lawn. “These people are laying claim to productive commercial and industrial zones, along with residential land that was settled by thousands of families. We cannot afford to give up these areas. So what if a few minorities get upset? We need to keep this land, for the prosperity of Random Chaos!”
  3. Your exasperated secretary hurries over to deliver a new folder of issues to you. “Obviously, we can’t just return the land; it’s too valuable to the country. But we can’t ignore these people either; they’re too large a percentage of our population to be disregarded.” Looking pensive, he pauses for a moment and readjusts his glasses. “How about we reimburse them another way? A lump sum of a few million chips should settle them down, right?”
  4. “Listen to this codswallop!” grumbles your bigoted great-uncle while jotting down a series of misspelled racist slogans in a tattered notebook. “These leeches have contributed nothing worth having to our glorious Free Land! They’re lazy vagrants who create a burden on civilized society. All they do is take drugs and commit crimes. Why not just eject them from the country? Only our race is good enough for Random Chaos!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military is researching proton packs and PK-meters to combat "unseen enemy forces".

2022-05-30 15:30

Thinking a Little Too Hard?

A highly publicized data leak from Maxtopia has revealed classified military projects studying ESP, astral projection, mind-reading and other psychic-related phenomena.

  1. “Just look at the things Maxtopia was experimenting with!” exclaims General Guterres fiddling with a tinfoil ‘projection’ cap. “There’s mind-reading devices, brain-expansion exercises, this ‘Dream Twister’ secret project, and so much more! I mean, just imagine the potential strategic advantages on the battlefield, or in intelligence operations! Even if it comes to nothing, can you risk letting them get ahead of us? We should also be funding open-minded research into the paranormal, just to see what we find.”
  2. “Research alone is not taking this far enough!” proclaims purportedly psychokinetic guru Rosalina Navratilova, offering you a copy of her self-help book Moving Forward. “The full potential of the human mind is an infinite power beyond this puny material world! A psychic soldier could stop their enemy’s heart with a thought, and smash tanks with a wave of the hand. Set aside all conventional arms, and train your army to fight purely with psychic force.”
  3. “Oh please, don’t tell me you’ve fallen for this nonsense as well!” moans famed debunker Agnieszka Tin. “All these projects amounted to nothing: nada, zilch, zero! They have only ever produced wasted time and wasted money. It’s time that we clamped down on ridiculous superstitions, and purged all magical thinking from our military! Any soldier caught spouting mystical mumbo-jumbo should be dishonorably discharged immediately!”
  4. “Of course the paranormal isn’t real, but that doesn’t mean we can’t spread some disinformation,” murmurs Propaganda Director Doug Cheyney. “Essentially, this is about PSYOPS, not psychic ops. You must first fake and then leak data claiming that we have already developed paranormal military capabilities. This will unnerve credulous nation states, while also wasting the espionage resources of more cautious foes as they seek to refute our claims. It’ll be a cheap way to gain a significant strategic edge, so why not go for it?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Gambler is one of the most popular forenames in Random Chaos.

2022-05-30 09:30

What’s in a Name?

A man by the name of &%*\@# Smith hit the headlines yesterday when he had his first name legally changed to ‘John’, citing the ridicule and stress he suffered because of his given name. Mr Smith publicly commented afterwards that there should be more restrictions on what parents can name their children.

  1. “People do so love to be different,” says Insert Name Here, with a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what my folks were thinking when they named me. Probably about how ‘novel’ and ‘with it’ they were being, but I didn’t get a say in it did I? Growing up in my neighbourhood with the first name ‘Insert’ wasn’t fun at all I can tell you! The government should set up a registry of recognised names that are clean, sensible, and non-teasable. Kids deserve better.”
  2. “It’s none of the government’s business what I name my daughter,” says Follicle Rainbow Gooseknob, cradling [expletive deleted] in her arms. “Are you going to tell us what to think next? Where to go? Who to love? I don’t want some grey-faced bureaucrat deciding what name is appropriate for my child! What kind of country hates personal freedom so much you can’t even choose your own name?”
  3. “Names? Names are so inefficient!” says Five-Oh-Three McGoohan, counting beads. “Who can honestly tell one Boyson Matsenjwa from another? That name’s so popular now, I met three people at the mall with it just last week! Face it! Names are old-hat! Everyone ought to go by a government-allocated ID number instead, much more practical. Who could make fun of a child named Six-Eight-Four?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation frequently scolds its subject territories for staying up past bedtime.

2022-05-30 04:00

The Random Chaosians Are Coming!

Following a fracas between the Minister of Paternalism, the Minister of Patriotism and the Minister of Patchouli, your inner circle has gathered to discuss how best to run your nation’s most recently acquired colony.

  1. “The best approach is through direct rule, of course,” chortles Kristen Leach, slamming her hunting crop against the table so your secretary startles. “That accursed continent needs intelligent and honourable people — like myself — to teach those childlike natives. A colonial administration, staffed entirely by our people, will look after them and teach them good Random Chaosian values. When they see what great civilisation our pioneers bring to them, they won’t be so upset that we mowed down a few hundred primitive shacks for our five-star clubhouse and gated communities. They’ll see it was just common sense.”
  2. “Having a government there comprised entirely of native Random Chaosians will breed resentment among the indigenous population,” groans Minister Quincy Santiago, adjusting his Random Chaos City University cap. “Why don’t we co-opt their elite instead? Just educate them in our best schools and universities — for example’s sake, RCCU — to value our culture and customs over their own. That way, their ruling elite have legitimacy among the locals yet will be totally amenable to our interests here at home.”
  3. “You’re thinking too small,” barks Yasmin Archer, who visited the colony once and now claims to know everything about the area. “It isn’t enough to co-opt their elite, we need to ensure they work with us. Permit financial incentivisation of local leaders who turn in those who speak against Random Chaosian rule, and round up resisters to teach them a hard lesson they’ll remember until their crippled bodies are lowered into the ground. The best part is: the indigenous people will resent their local leaders, not you.”
  4. “Or we could just forget the whole thing,” suggests your weary Secretary of the Treasury, as she stares at a globe with a magnifying glass. “I mean, armies tromp around, claiming land for Random Chaos without any thought of the consequences. Do you have any idea how much it costs to maintain a colony? Resources are stretched thin as it is. Taxpayers at home don’t want to be subsidising a place they can’t even point out on a map, and the colonies don’t want to be subsidised. Besides, imperialism is so old-fashioned. Let’s embrace the modern era, put this empire nonsense behind us and save some money.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the pursuit of wanted criminals ends at the entrance of the pay'n'spray garage as police refuse to enter any private property.

2022-05-29 21:30

An Unwarranted Intrusion

When maverick cop Nyota Yoo suspected that city worker Ganondorf Falopian had kidnapped 13-year-old Theseus with murderous intentions, she knew that by the time she applied for a search warrant the poor teen could already be dead. She kicked the door down, and saved the day. In the aftermath, many are asking if she did the right thing, and what lessons Random Chaos could learn here.

  1. “Why do we even need search warrants anyways?” asks gung-ho police officer Björn Siskel, grizzled long-time partner of the hero cop. “All this bureaucracy does is make it harder for us to find the people responsible for crimes. If you have nothing to hide, then what’s the problem?”
  2. “That’s typical police state thinking! Proper procedure protects the populace!” exclaims Gertie Biscuitbarrel, a representative of anti-corruption foundation World Of Watchdog. “We need to make it clear that a search warrant must be obtained before forced entry, and we should prosecute this officer for breach of procedure! Can you imagine the police busting in while you’re sharing an intimate moment with your partner? Can you imagine if a cop with a grudge against you decides to break in and wreak havoc with your house on a whim? Is that what you want?”
  3. “We do need warrants for sure, but sometimes officers see something that causes them to make a split second decision, when they have to act immediately for the common good, without going through all the proper steps first,” says Chief Leonardo Gutnick of the Random Chaos City Police Department. “I think we should judge breaks in protocol by the results. If the suspects were hiding something, then no problem. But if the officer finds nothing, then we have to judge whether their actions were reasonable, or illegal.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, vacationing Random Chaosians expect to be treated as royalty.

2022-05-29 15:30

Your Island Is My Island

The local inhabitants in one of the far-flung colonies of Random Chaos have been protesting about the occupation and their calls for independence have been growing louder. Your secretary has suggested that you take a vacation to this land in the hope that you can resolve this dispute and enjoy some ‘me-time’ in between mediation.

  1. “You cannot allow this occupation to continue!” cries native activist Nosipho Morris over the chanting locals. “Our island was illegally seized by your government. Your military continues to fire shells on practice ranges on our land and deny us access to sacred sites in the name of ‘national defense’! Not only that, but also native Random Chaosians are moving into homes over here and forcing us off our ancestral domains. So please, Leader, leave this island and restore our once proud kingdom.”
  2. “What do these savages know about running a country?” asks Rear Admiral Takei, as military police in pith hats push the crowd back. “When we annexed this island, it was nothing but a rock in the sea getting by on fish and fruit. We have brought civilization and protection to these people! Plus, don’t forget that this island is paramount in securing our control of the surrounding seas — are the concerns of a few rowdy locals worth endangering the safety of our families back home? Increase the military presence here, so when the locals call us ‘Boss’... they mean it!”
  3. “Now, now, what’s happened has happened,” chimes in Governor Case. “However, we do have to consider everyone’s feelings. Families from the mainland now live here and, without government support, this island would struggle to keep basic services running. Instead, you could just give more autonomy to this place, and other territories like it. The military can stay, but we should be able to pass our own laws that also reflect the needs of the local people.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, colonial subjects have Random Chaosian culture shoved down their throats.

2022-05-29 09:30

Can I Borrow a Word?

A group of disgruntled language connoisseurs are complaining that loan-words from the Galliennais language are ‘contaminating the native tongue of Random Chaos’. They are calling for a government sponsored language purification project, robbing you of your joie de vivre as you try to relax and enjoy your pamplemousse cocktail.

  1. “This is a disgrace!” exclaims Harold Hastings, a linguist from Random Chaos City University, slamming the latest edition of the Maxford Random Chaosian Dictionary on your desk. “These nasty Galliennais words – full of nasal sounds – have started to invade our glorious language. We should immediately launch this project in order to replace these hideous loan-words with their pristine Random Chaosian counterparts. My colleagues and I already have some suggestions on the table: ‘eggy flapjacks’ for ‘omelette’, and how about ‘hey-I’ve-seen-this-before’ for ‘déjà vu’? All we need to publish a comprehensive list is a generous subsidy on your part.”
  2. “Oh mon dieu, but this approach will not work, as it doesn’t target the raison d’être for Galliennais loan-words,” enunciates William Norman, an enthusiastic Galliennais Literature professor from Cambarry University, with visible ennui. “The Galliennais culture is superior to ours, and so is their langue, par conséquent we need Galliennais words to express high-brow concepts such as rapprochement, savoir-faire, and je ne sais quoi. The importation of Galliennais words is fait accompli, and trying to reverse this will only be a faux pas. Let us embrace and teach to all Galliennais words and linguistic diversity: vive la différence!”
  3. “Bah, humbug!” grunts bellicose General Rose, while angrily smashing a Galliennais Merlot bottle on the floor. “We don’t have to tolerate this nonsense; let’s bomb Galliennes into the ground and colonize them. Then they’ll learn our language soon enough!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, adult stores are all sold out of whips.

2022-05-29 03:30

A Sickening Dilemma

After encouraging the anti-vaccination movement, vaccine rates have continued to drop while Rubellan Measles has reached epidemic levels. As thousands more grow ill every day, voices across the nation are pleading with you to do something before the situation becomes completely untenable.

  1. “I warned you there would be consequences to encouraging this anti-vaccine movement!” reminds your Health Minister, ominously decked out in a full hazmat suit. “With drastic action we might still be able to right this ship: declare martial law, prevent all non-essential personnel from leaving their homes, and proclaim mandatory hospital quarantines for anyone who might be showing symptoms. With emergency funding for healthcare and the military, Random Chaos will endure. This may be a bitter pill to swallow, but without it, the results would be absolutely ghastly. And for Violet’s sake, bring back a comprehensive vaccination program!”
  2. “That would be horrendously expensive!” cries one of your more brutal body guards. “I have a solution that’s slightly more... direct. I say we take care of the problem before it can spread further. Put me in charge of a ‘Sanitation Squad’ and anyone who starts to show any signs of being sick with Rubellan Measles will be taken care of if you know what I mean.” He gestures at his weapon. “If everyone who is sick is ‘removed’, we will be disease free overnight.”
  3. “Domina Hyacinthinum, dona eis requiem,” chants local abbot, Father Gyurme Bush, while walking into the meeting and whacking himself in the head with a board. “Blessings, Leader. Rubellan Measles is clearly a plague sent by Violet to deal with the sinners in Random Chaos. If you tell the people to live their lives according to Violet’s will and order them to engage in daily self-flagellation, then faster than you can say ‘Amen’, Rubellan Measles will be a thing of the past!”
  4. “I’ve been thinking,” posits Wulfric Hernandez, who happens to be a Rubellan Measles survivor, “maybe this whole thing isn’t as bad as everyone is making it out to be? I mean sure lots of people are dying, but what about survival of the fittest, and all that? The end result from all this will eventually be a more disease resistant populace. Too much medical spending is wasted on keeping those alive that, to be perfectly frank, nature and genetics doesn’t intend to let live.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, thousands of children die every day from easily curable illnesses.

2022-05-28 21:30

A Shot in the Arm

The dreaded Rubellan Measles has made a sudden comeback in Random Chaos. The disease, which once killed millions, was thought to be wiped out after a vaccine was discovered fifty years ago. Medical professionals blame a recent anti-vaccination movement, which has turned immunization into a political football.

  1. “I’m not going to allow my babies to become slaves to Big Pharma!” bemoans parent and prominent anti-vaxxer Kendall Farmer. “Did you know that vaccines can cause autism and stunt a child’s development? I can show you several studies that say so! These pharmaceutical companies are even putting nanobots in their vaccines! Nanobots! It is the right of every parent to determine what is best for their children.”
  2. “Please. Those so-called studies are nothing but hokum,” counters your physician, Doctor Percival Mann, while checking your heartbeat with a stethoscope. “Vaccines save lives every single day. If it weren’t for vaccines, Rubellan Measles would have killed off half of Random Chaos’s population by now! There is absolutely no correlation between autism and vaccinations. Any scientist or doctor worth their degree will tell you that. If anything, we should make vaccinations mandatory for the health and well-being of Random Chaosians across the nation.” The doctor snaps on a rubber glove. “Now, let’s hurry this up. Cough, please.”
  3. “You know, we wouldn’t have these problems if the population was more scientifically aware,” muses amateur scientist Violet Sisko while pouring a vial of green liquid into a vial of purple liquid. “Movements like these are bred from ignorance and misinformation. If the government took an active role in promoting science and education this problem would go away. You could invest in real scientific studies and programs, make science classes mandatory in schools, and arrest any religious nuts who attempt to disrupt our work. Random Chaos would enter a new Golden Age!” The vials of liquid suddenly explode, covering your office with smoke and an unusually colored foam.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's best to decline if Leader offers to buy a round of drinks.

2022-05-28 15:30

Couped Up

Outrage echoes through the hallowed halls of government. Your ungrateful Minister of the Interior claims you are an autocrat and has been drumming up support for a coup.

  1. “Come now, Leader, surely you see that this is all a misunderstanding,” coos Minister of the Interior Kencha Wolowitz, massaging your shoulders. “I think our problem is a failure to communicate. You never listen to anyone’s ideas but your own anymore. I felt sidelined. Our relationship needs to be more of a two-way street, or it just won’t work. Politics can’t be all me-me-me. How about I promise to stop trying to overthrow you, you promise to listen more, and we all turn over a new leaf. How does that sound?”
  2. “Are you serious?” cries Minister of Defence Peggy Dvořák, as she sits in the corner beheading toy soldiers. “Traitors are the lowest form of scum and should be treated as such. Many could have died in this proposed mutiny, not to mention that they were trying to deliberately oust the nation’s rightful leader! We must treat this man as the dangerous and unstable individual he is, and punish him in the only correct way for treasonous pond-life: by hanging, drawing and scattering his wicked body to the four winds for the birds to feast upon. Or, you could just chop his head off if you’re feeling generous.”
  3. “There is always another way around these matters,” hisses the Secret Police’s Head of Scientific Cunning, Xerxes Locke. “Merely pretend you agree and go for a drink with the traitor. My employees and I have found a new type of poison; it’s completely undetectable and perfectly mimics a heart attack, disappearing from the bloodstream within several hours. Slip this into any beverage and the drinker won’t be at work the next morning. The poor Minister is getting on in years, anyway. And what with all the negative press coverage about his being a disgusting traitor... perhaps the stress was simply too much to handle?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a survey of the nation's rivers and children has shown that pesticide levels are at an all-time regional high.

2022-05-28 09:30

Organic Outburst

After a recent left-wing broadsheet exposé of agricultural practices, an outburst of public paranoia has stirred up the organic foods debate.

  1. “I just can’t stomach it any more,” rants concerned parent Jill Rasputin. “My children’s future is being put at risk by irresponsible corporate practices. We must outlaw the use of pesticides and additives by farmers and food producers.”
  2. “I’ve heard enough of this treehugging, lefty nonsense,” argues corporate spokesperson Nikita Woolf. “The agricultural industry needs to use the most advanced technology available, it’s the only way to keep Random Chaos competitive in food production. Besides, the studies we have commissioned prove that only a very small number of child deaths are due to our products, and surely that’s an acceptable rate in the name of progress?”
  3. “Stop torturing Mother Earth!” yells outraged environmental extremist Tabitha Edwards. “Are we prepared to sacrifice our planet and our souls for the sake of a few extra chips? If we hope to live in harmony with the environment that nurtures and protects us, we must ban all industries that pollute our world. Let us return to the trees, my brothers!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Timber Woodchipping Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teams of painters are converting road signs from horse lengths to kilometers.

2022-05-28 03:30

Sizing Up the Competition

After a recent conversion mistake cost a government research project millions in chips, Random Chaos’s scientists have come to you begging for the country to switch to the metric system.

  1. “Our measurement system is a complete disaster!” wails renowned engineer Mary Grimes, brandishing the odd-looking result of a recent project. “We’re stuck using primitive and illogical measurements like ‘fingers’ or ‘donkeypower’ or ‘MegaFonzie’. It’s too much! Practically every other nation in The Hatrackia has converted to the metric system. Think of how much it would help our international communication! It’ll cost a few chips to convert, but it’ll be damn cheaper than the mistakes our system is causing!”
  2. “Primitive? How dare that geek say such a thing!” spits infamous patriot Sonam Murphy. “They’re not just measurements; they’re part of our cultural heritage! Where would we be without our attoparsecs, hogsheads, or shakes of a gambler’s tail? Should we throw away our national identity just because a few scientists are too lazy to do their jobs correctly? Give the taxpayers a break and ignore these eggheads! We should embrace our cultural uniqueness, not erase it!”
  3. “This. This is a crossroads,” notes avant garde artist Kurt Tavener. “This idea that we can standardize how people look at the world with words... it’s prehistoric. Everything’s beautiful, man. We need to stop trying to control the world and just... live. Imagine how happy our nation would be with no measurements. No measurements at all.” He pauses to gaze at nothing in particular, as far as you can tell. “Think about it. No time like the present, Leader. No time.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every week is blindness awareness week.

2022-05-27 21:30

Turning a Blind Eye?

When a blind man and his guide gambler were recently refused service in Random Chaos City restaurant ‘The Haute Potato’, it started a heated debate that few had seen coming.

  1. “This is a real eye-opener!” exclaims Mathias Murdock, head of the Random Chaosian Blind Trust, speaking to a large group of cane-wielding protesters. “This discrimination against the blind and partially-sighted has gone on for too long. Not only should we be allowed to take our companions and guardians wherever we go, now is the time to realize our vision of a society completely accessible for the visually impaired!”
  2. “Gamblers must be kept out of restaurants; why can’t these people see that?” queries Minerva Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff, a young chef from ‘The Haute Potato’, reeking of paprika. “It’s not that I don’t understand, really, I do, but it’s a health issue, you know. Imagine that thing entering the kitchen; you’d get their fur or scales or whathaveyou all over the buffet,” she asserts confidently while her sweat trickles down into tonight’s baba ganoush. “He should just tie his gambler outside along with any other mutt. They still have their canes, don’t they?”
  3. Your gambler-walker, Leia Duras, who has 20/20 vision, rambles at you whilst untangling several leads. “Why are we only thinking of the blind here? I can’t see why the blind should be able to take their gamblers into restaurants, while my poor babies still have to be tied out in the rain. You’ll let me take my gamblers into restaurants as well, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, what citizens give with one hand they take away with the other.

2022-05-27 15:30

The Walking, Talking, and Irritated Dead

Seven years ago Oliver King went missing after a yachting accident, and has since been declared officially dead. However, he recently re-emerged and came back to Random Chaos. Despite showing up in person to get his death certificate reversed, he found he could not do so. His mortician has come to complain to you on his behalf, as corpses aren’t allowed in the building.

  1. “It seems silly to me that my corpse... er, I mean patient, is still considered dead,” says Fumiko O'Leary, the mortician of Oliver King, as she pushes a gurney with a covered and very life-like mannequin on it. “If somebody who has been declared dead shows up and gets an examination, the doctor should be able to change their legal status to living.”
  2. The mannequin suddenly sits up, revealing itself to be Lars Vader, who was also declared legally dead after getting lost in the rain forests of Macronesia ten years ago. “Being dead isn’t all bad, I suppose. There are no taxes, my family got an insurance pay-out... I guess it’s kind of fun to be a ‘zombie’! You should just let me stay legally dead. People like me, who officially ‘don’t exist’, can’t claim any government benefits, so you guys get to save some money too.”
  3. “I may have made a mistake, but after seven years it’s reasonable to presume someone isn’t coming back,” states Rory Coleman, the registrar who made the death of Oliver King official. “Of course Oliver is still alive and should be registered as such. Therefore, his family should be made to return their insurance pay-out, and his last will and testament needs to be scrutinized to see if they received any other benefits from his death.”
  4. “You know, maybe Lars Vader is on to something,” says your Minister of Necromancy, Agatha Kasher. “Maybe we should create a task force of legally dead people to eliminate dissenters. We can deny their existence easily because they’re all dead, and if anybody tries to blow the lid off it, they’ll just sound like a crackpot who believes children’s stories!”
  5. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ZOMBIE!” screams your young and excitable niece. “KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!” Your sister comes in to try to calm the hysterical girl down, as she shouts over the screaming. “Seriously though, if the government says people are dead, they ought to ensure it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, conscientious objectors are hanged as traitors.

2022-05-27 09:30

Conscientious Objectors Want You... To Let Them Abstain

A religious scholar was recently arrested over refusing to serve in Random Chaos’s Armed Services on moral grounds. Small - but very vocal - demonstrations have started over compulsory military service and a citizen’s right to be a conscientious objector.

  1. “Conscription flies in the face of my religion,” declares Beavis Capulet, Grand Poobah of the Order of Maxx. “It clearly states in our holy book that ‘Thou mayest not blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy’. The devout of Random Chaos should have the option to opt out of service. We were put here to bring peace to the world, not destroy it!”
  2. “I can’t believe you are still listening to these spineless liberals!” yells Field Marshal Fleur Holst, setting up a gibbet with noosed rope. “You let these crazy zealots have their way and we’ll find ourselves open to all sorts of threats. Bigtopia would have a field day. Let’s remind these wackos who’s in charge.”
  3. “We hardly need to be so black and white about it,” interrupts Lancelot Pence, your Churchmaster General. “These people don’t want to kill? It’s against their ‘beliefs’? So we won’t make them. There are plenty of jobs in the military that don’t involve pulling a trigger. If they still object, well, we can always exile them.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Conservative.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is cracking down on subversive groups.

2022-05-27 03:30

Power to the People?

Several underground organisations in Random Chaos have recently been spreading discontent throughout the populace about not being able to vote.

  1. “We demand the power to rule the country the way we want!” cries Layla Ripley while being dragged before you in chains. “Too long have you and your dictatorial government been allowed to control our lives! The right to vote in a fair and free election is all we crave! You can take our lives, but you’ll never take our souls! Elections for Random Chaos!”
  2. “If you’ll take my advice, we should just send these crazies down to the dungeons,” murmurs Rinzi Zhimo, one of your political advisors. “If we let them spread this propaganda we’ll soon have a revolution on our hands! We should crack down on these groups, seize control of news media, and ban non-governmental political organisations to keep the people from getting too frisky with their pitchforks.”
  3. “There’s no need to be quite so dramatic,” assures Kaji Fforde, your Minister of Silly Walks as he pinwheels past. “We could let them have their way a little, just to keep them happy, you know? We could give them the right to vote, but not the right to run for office. Then we could just pick out the candidates we wanted and they could choose! We’ve been doing this for years, we don’t want some uppity new bloke trying to tell us what to do.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, vital intelligence-gathering activities are put on hold as agents return home for seduction training and advanced poker instruction.

2022-05-26 21:30

Nobody Does It Better?

After two Random Chaosian agents operating in Blackacre were compromised and forced to flee the country, a private military corporation known as the Webber Group has approached you about taking over the nation’s intelligence-gathering activities.

  1. “Leader, my operatives are perfect for this type of work,” declares Webber Group CEO Jared Watts, flanked by two burly bodyguards. “Many of them have received military training prior to joining our company, so they’re well versed in espionage, counter-intelligence, and assassina... um... proactive regime change strategies. If they’re caught, you can deny any knowledge of them. Together, we can revitalize the foreign intelligence apparatus of Random Chaos... for a small fee, of course.”
  2. “Are we really going to put the safety of our nation in the hands of this... thug?” questions secret agent James Bont, while drinking a martini. “What the Webber Group fails to tell you is that many of their operatives were dishonorably discharged. They’re violent, averse to authority, and unpredictable. Not to mention they’re only loyal to a paycheck. Leader, let me organize a training program for our less-experienced spies so they never get caught again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are remarkably well involved in the political process.

2022-05-26 15:30

Most Likely to Secede

A group of bearded militiamen have recently declared rural Marina Meyer County a sovereign and independent nation! Talk radio pundits in Random Chaos are demanding immediate government action.

  1. “Gov’mint’s not workin’ fo’ folks ‘round here,” says Uriah Strange, a turnip farmer, “We have ourselves a guar-un-teed right to form a gov’mint that works for us. We don’t want any confrontation, now, we just want to shake hands and let ya’ll get along with yer business while we get along with ours.”
  2. “I can’t believe this!” shouts General Bill Sherman. “This is tantamount to treason! Our political system would collapse if whole territories were allowed to leave at any time. It would be chaos! I propose that you let me take care of the problem... permanently.”
  3. “Perhaps we can reach a suitable middle ground,” says an elderly gentleman resting on a park bench, “If we were to bring government close to the people, and allow them to have a modicum of self-determination, perhaps they wouldn’t feel the need to secede. Let’s give the local governments more power.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, model railroad hobbyists have taken to muscling model shipbuilders off their "turf".

2022-05-26 09:30

The Wreck of the Edward Fitzpatrick

The media’s obsession of the week is the “Edward Fitzpatrick,” a Random Chaosian ore freighter that sank in a sudden freak storm while shipping its haul of raw taconite across Great Gambler Lake for smelting. The ship, its cargo, and crew were all lost.

  1. “Oh, well, this is a terrible disaster,” sighs Remus Titan, CEO of Consolidated Resource Acquisition Partners. “Do you know how many tons of ore that ship was carrying? That’s hundreds of thousands of chips my company’s lost!” Wiping a kerchief across his brow, he continues. “You know, the government really ought to send some money our way to make up for the lost capital. It’s for the best. With a hefty tax break, we can make sure such a terrible tragedy doesn’t happen to our bottom line - uh, employees - again.”
  2. Bereaved family member Andrea Doria, still in funeral attire, shoves your secretary aside as she storms into your office. “Do you realize what a horrible crime this wreck really was? I’ll have you know that one of the sailors on the Edward Fitzpatrick was my husband’s cousin’s half-brother! Do you know how much this has impacted me and my family? All because those mining industry jackals don’t give a damn about their employees!” She takes a breath and continues, “My point is, those weasels should be forced to pay reparations to the families of the victims, AND overhaul their whole fleet - more lifeboats, more safety regulations, engine tune-ups, the works! Maybe if they actually cared about those sailors they wouldn’t have sent them out on such a ramshackle old hulk.”
  3. “You’re missing the whole point,” cries model train enthusiast Lionel Brio as he starts laying track all over your office. “The problem here is that we were using the wrong kind of transport in the first place! Boats are old and prone to sink, and rocks don’t exactly float.” He gets a gleam in his eye as a six-inch locomotive blows smoke in your face. “What we need is trains. Picture it: we convert mining transport to railways, and all the danger of sailing will become a thing of the past! It won’t be cheap, but we’ll have the best rail network in The Hatrackia, and more importantly I’ll get some new model freight cars for my collection!”
  4. Jordan Brighthand, a popular Random Chaosian folk singer, strides into your office, a battered acoustic guitar slung on his shoulder. “You know, Leader, the story of this shipwreck has really inspired me,” he says as he strums out a melody. “Let’s face it, you can’t stop tragedies like this. It’s just fate. But what we can do is immortalize the victims in song, so that future generations of Random Chaosians can hear the stories of our past. It sure beats reading about ‘em - why stick your nose in a book when your guitar can gently weep over the coffins?”
  5. “Well the answer’s clear to me,” says Hal Stoker, the most popular weather forecaster in Random Chaos City. “This was a failure by meteorologists all around Great Gambler Lake. This is a red flag that’s telling you to pour some government funds into the Random Chaosian Institute of Meteorology. Our weather forecasters have been poorly trained on outdated equipment for years as the Institute languished. We really need better gear; the new Rotating Aerial Inversion Navigator, that’s the RAIN-420 doppler radar, is a real beauty, I gotta get my hands on that - oh, uh, and we’ll save some lives, too.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, artists from across the nation compete to renovate the restrooms of old government buildings.

2022-05-26 03:30

Face Lift

After a prominent artist was arrested for attempting to chisel the historic frontage of a particularly ugly courthouse into a sculpture, architectural firms and aspiring artists have petitioned you to renovate crumbling government buildings.

  1. “These old buildings are ugly and falling apart!” bemoans aspiring artist Chungba vanStraaten, while painting nude artwork of you as a form of protest. “If you let artists redesign your buildings, even amateurs, I guarantee the future of our nation will be more colorful, creative, and interesting! All we need is your permission and lots and lots of paint!”
  2. “Why trust these amateurs when you could hire real professionals?” asks world renowned architect and CEO of Barry & Associates Architecture Imogen Cook, while making the final touches to a scale model display of a futuristic-looking Random Chaos City. “As the head of the most experienced architectural firm in Random Chaos, we are the best choice for renovating the government buildings of our nation. Not only will we have great designs, we’ll only use the most modern materials available. Of course there is some considerable money involved, but think of your new fiberglass palace and futuristic office!” A beam suddenly falls down and destroys the model city, resulting in the architect letting out an anguished cry.
  3. “Bah! In communist East Lebatuck, buildings redesign you!” exclaims a musky foreign dignitary, seen wearing the dullest of gray clothes. “Look, your buildings aren’t prettiest, but updating current aesthetics of building will keep loyal citizens focused on important thing, like harvest, parades and glorious leader. Private sector crooks or hack artist bring nothing but excessive monstrosities that lures people into decadence; only state itself should care for buildings. It be cheap and effective as well, all you need is plaster and portrait of yourself.”
  4. “Why fix our buildings at all?” queries the eccentric curator of the Random Chaos City National History Museum while punching a hole in your wall. “These old buildings are best enjoyed as part of history. Turn these moldy government offices and legislatures into a museum for all of Random Chaos to enjoy. We’ll of course need some flashy advertising and authentic historical artifacts to get people interested. People would pay good money to see the original draft of the constitution that has the word ‘suckers’ in it. Just think of the patriotism and tourism money when people walk through those old, hallowed hallways. Well, maybe more curiosity than patriotism.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, warning signs caution Random Chaosians where they may fall off 'the edge of the world'.

2022-05-25 21:30

Just Plane Ridiculous

As of late, a growing number of Random Chaosian citizens are adopting the idea that the world is flat. After an all out brawl started in the typically level-headed Department of Geography, you’ve decided to call in experts on the matter to settle the issue once and for all.

  1. “It’s plain to see that the world exists as a flat plane,” claims amateur researcher Gyaltsen Garcia, playin’ with homophones. “I boarded a plane once, and I didn’t see the slightest bit of curvature on the plain below us as we flew over. The spherical earth theory is simply a global conspiracy by the so-called ‘sciences’ to flatly deny the truth of our planal existence. You should roundly denounce them and spread the word all around the earth!”
  2. “While we may not have the answers for everything, one thing we can be sure of is that the earth is definitely not flat,” states renowned geographer Malon McKinnon, absent-mindedly using a miniature globe as a stress-ball. “To deny this easily provable theory is the height of ignorance. We have to correct these illogical assumptions before anti-intellectualism takes root in our society. You must give us as many chips as we need in order to show flat-earthers that their beliefs are false.”
  3. “So, does it really matter if a few adults reject science?” shrugs comedian Sayid Starkey, popping his head in through the window. “Let people say that the earth is round, or flat, or built on the back of a giant turtle named ‘Andreas’. It’s just one more source of easy jokes. But, still, you should probably increase the funding for school science classes... seriously. Adults can believe whatever they like, but they shouldn’t be left to screw up their kids’ heads.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, you need a signed affidavit from a registered psychiatrist to claim that you have crazy low prices.

2022-05-25 15:30

Playing It by the Numbers

Your somewhat gullible nephew has returned from a shopping trip laden with ‘bargains’, including a dozen suits which he says were ‘50%-off’. Upon whipping out the office magnifying glass it appears that the discount stickers have ‘up to’ written in tiny letters just above the numbers, and a quick check of the store catalogue shows most of the items had their prices raised just days before to accommodate the so-called discount. All in all, his shopping trip has cost him twice what he would have paid if he had been charged the manufacturers’ recommended prices.

  1. “Look, we all know that my son is an idiot,” says your sister irritably, smacking the kid around the head, “but anyone could be misled by these tricks and number games. You don’t approve of con-men, do you? These retailers are legal con-men. For the sake of the consumer you must legislate fair and transparent pricing in retail, and prevent misleading advertising.”
  2. “I’ve made a couple of bad shopping decisions...” admits your nephew, straightening the creases on the sleeves of his lime-green velvet onesie. “Alright, maybe more than a couple. But I love bargain hunting! The thrill of finding a 75%-reduced top hat for only 200 chips is something you can’t duplicate! All we need is a universal 30-day cooling off period, during which customers can claim a refund, no questions asked. You know, just in case their tyrannical mothers are nagging them.”
  3. “We’ll offer your nephew a One-Off Full Refund, and I’ll even throw in the buttonholes for free next time!” promises Maximilian Dibbler, the appointed representative of a consortium of retailers, audibly capitalising certain words. “And that’s practically cutting my own throat. All we ask is that you let the Free Market operate, for the sake of Freedom. FREEEEDOM. Up to 99% of voters agree that advertising is the core of a successful economy! Our industry is in the top 100% when it comes to ethical business practices and serving the public good. I myself donate up to 50% of my wage to charity!”
  4. “In my day, a pint of milk cost what a pint of milk cost,” grumbles Sigourney, an elderly cleaner interjecting from the back of the room. “You’re the government; you should set a fixed price for everything, and you should do that other thing, seizing the means of production, and wot-not. We don’t need satin pants or hats with feathers on them. We just need what we needs: bread, milk and wot-not, and at a fair price.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, short is not always sweet.

2022-05-25 09:30

Three Little Words

You have been asked to take a searing political interview for Alright! magazine. After questions about your favourite crisp flavour, your most used emoji and whether you prefer long walks on the beach or brisk walks in the city, you reach the final question: “In three words, how do you think others describe you?”

  1. Your devoted secretary grins broadly, exposing her ‘I Heart Leader’ novelty braces. Fixing you a warm drink, she whispers, “Drop dead gorgeous.”
  2. Your sister, here to deposit pamphlets about her latest good causes, smiles imploringly. Nudging forward a brochure of a tiny child holding out his empty bowl, she sighs, “So very generous.”
  3. Minister of Bootstraps Idris Jamieson throws your sister’s pamphlets off the table and drops a spending review entitled ‘Cutting Welfare Wastage’ before you, rapping it. After a cough, he booms, “Exceptional financial prudence.”
  4. A woman with three surprisingly well-fed cats in a shopping trolley staggers into your room, coughing up hairballs. Floating up to your desk, she picks up the spending review and places it gently beneath the cats. After staring wide-eyed at your unfinished profile, she laughs loudly. “Kind to animals.”
  5. Environment Minister Michelle Powell removes the spending review from the shopping trolley and places it in the recycling. Dramatically sweeping some crumbs from your desk for composting, she announces, “Clean, green machine.”
  6. Your niece — recently kicked out of a closed religious order for being overly zealous — totters over to you, bedecked in so much religious iconography that she can barely move. Lips clamped at the sides, she declares, “Perfectly pious person.”
  7. Your actor nephew stylishly slides through the speakers, before gently taking the hand of the lady with the trolley and twirling her. Skipping to your desk, he hops onto it, and singsongs, “Nah, I’m good.”
  8. Flinging your nephew from the desk, your brother slams his hands down. Crushing the interview questions beneath his fist, he snarls, “Just three words? That’s not possible. You’re their leader. You need permission? Of course not! You’re too benevolent. They mock it. Punish their impudence. Write fifty pages. Fill the magazine. You deserve it. Send a message: playtime is over.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Fattest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, political commentators say that Leader's fruitcake plans are about to go pear-shaped.

2022-05-25 03:30

A Pretty Pass

The World Travel Foundation has just released their annual Passport Index, where nations are ranked according to how many countries their citizens can visit without a visa. Much to the dismay of your globetrotting compatriots, Random Chaos is placed near the bottom of this list, as many countries are wary of Random Chaosian tourists for security reasons.

  1. “I can’t believe I need a visa to visit a stupid whippersnapper country like East Calypso!” exclaims Rex Savage, a retired schoolteacher wearing a floral print shirt, angrily tossing his luggage on the floor. “This is all because of your regressive policies, Leader. Maybe if we reached out to other nations instead of being so stubbornly insular, Random Chaosians wouldn’t be seen as potential spies, terrorists, or illegal immigrants. How about you send some conciliatory fruit baskets to foreign leaders and ask them to ease travel restrictions for us?”
  2. “Nah, I can assure you those fruit baskets don’t work; I speak from experience,” says Aaron Atwood, the ambassador from Ausblic, another country your citizens cannot visit without a visa. “After all, you can’t trade apples for oranges... er, I mean apples for visa-free travel. You should offer us something more substantial. For example, maybe you could open your uranium mining market to Ausblickese companies, and we could abolish all travel restrictions for your citizens, and lobby for other countries to follow suit.” He hefts a voluminous contract onto your desk. “If you agree, just sign here, here, and here.”
  3. “Noooooo!” yells Darya Gilbreth, a very patriotic secretary of yours, tumbling into the room and grabbing the pen from your hand. “An eye for an eye! As per the principle of reciprocity, we should grant visa-free travel only to people from countries that do the same for us. Sure, this might have a slightly negative effect on our tourism industry, but our reputation is much more important. Don’t let us be seen as weaklings, Leader. Show them our power!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the national anthem is a rather effective sleeping aid.

2022-05-24 21:30

Sound Judgement

At a recent international sporting event, Bigtopian fans proudly sung their national anthem: Bigger And Cleverer. Meanwhile, the Random Chaosians in the crowd each sang half a dozen different tunes, highlighting the fact that Random Chaos still doesn’t have an official national anthem.

  1. “We need to have a grand old national anthem,” reminiscences retired war veteran Hillary Miller. “It ought to be a strong, rousing tune to unite a broken nation. A proud tune for a proud people! Put in some references to a flag stained in the blood of the enemy: if the unpatriotic moralising minority doesn’t like it, then they can get the heck out!”
  2. “That’s not what Random Chaos stands for in our modern age,” rebuffs avant-garde composer Matt Stromburg. “We’re a pan-cultural nation of pan-humanity. I’ve composed an audiotheatrical tribute to the tribe of all life, with whale-song, echoing voices in ethnic dialects, and the laughter of children. I call it The Peace of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Riiiiight. A whale-song national anthem? He can definitely ‘PEACE OFF’!” replies annoying pun-spitting radio DJ Shelia Cage. “Of CHORUS we need something catchier and poppier. We shouldn’t be aVERSE to a bit of JINGLEISM. Why not let the listeners vote for an anthem? You could call it... COUNTRY’S music. Ha ha, I’m so funny!”
  4. “We don’t need subject matter to worry about or lyrics for the plebs to sing,” chimes in snobby classical musician Aria Hester, smacking your staffer’s head with a flute. “We must create a modern masterpiece, a magnum opus that will raise Random Chaos’s spirits, a musical composition to define our nation. Summon the nation’s greatest composers and an orchestra of the finest musicians. We’ll give you a National Symphony and an anthem that will last forever!”
  5. “National anthem? Bah!” scoffs resident anarchist and constant thorn-in-your-side Evan Patel. “We don’t need this government forcing that patriotic drivel down our throats! Besides, most Random Chaosians are terrible singers! That’s the last thing I want to hear at a football game!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, genocide is seen as a topic best avoided in history lessons.

2022-05-24 15:30

Infamy! Infamy! They’ve All Got It in for Me!

Two days ago a series of pipe bombs in Gambler City killed two people and injured twelve more. By yesterday morning, the news was full of pictures of the perpetrator, with reporters explaining his twisted manifesto and giving the terrorist’s ideology far more exposure and media presence than he could ever have achieved without violence. Like many others, you find yourself watching an evening TV program dissecting the events of the last few days.

  1. “Boy, am I glad they caught that monster?” asks chat show host Yokpu Snow hopefully rhetorically, just after airing a thirty minute segment profiling the killer. “Now... some on this panel were saying earlier that having his face and picture all over the airwaves was counter-productive. I disagree! We’re showing the public that crime doesn’t pay. It’s in the public interest, because... uh... because the public is interested! It’s also about history, and recording events for posterity. That means it’s actually the duty of the media to put up the names, faces, methods and manifesto of these ratings-boosting psychopaths.”
  2. “With that haircut, I’m surprised YOU aren’t the one we’re condemning,” jokes fellow panellist Dafydd Bouvier, to thunderous audience applause. “In all seriousness though, it’s not right that we’re playing right into this terrorist’s hands, spreading his message of hate and making him a celebrity. People died, man! We should have an enforced code of conduct, asking the media to be responsible in reporting. After all, publicising an agenda of hate is the same as promoting it. Consign these killers and their whack-job thoughts to the oblivion of history where they belong.”
  3. “Why don’t you all shut up and go home?” yells a heckler from the audience. The camera pans round to show an angry red-faced fellow with a cooking apron on. “I had tickets for Celebrity Random Chaosian Bake-Off Factor Live, and then they tell me that it’s been cancelled to make room for this stupid show. Hey, Leader, if you’re watching, ban this sort of news and documentaries, and keep TV for what it was made for... entertainment!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, abattoirs are running at full capacity in response to skyrocketing demand.

2022-05-24 09:30

No More Broccoli, Beg Meat-Eaters

As more people succumb to nutrient-deficiency ailments such as anaemia and kwashiorkor there are increasing calls to have compulsory vegetarianism repealed.

  1. “Humans are omnivores; we need meat!” says Ned Haskell, nutritionist and former butcher. “Every day I come across malnourished children; an entire generation stunted in both body and mind by an idiotic government policy. We need to stop crying about animal cruelty and environmental degradation and start thinking about human welfare. Life is cruel. Get over it.”
  2. “They’re not malnourished, they’re just ignorant idiots!” rants Sun Ono, nutritionist and former animal liberationist. “Do you really expect the average Joe to know anything about vitamins and nutrition? You don’t just get protein or iron in red meat and if we could make this clearer to everyone with a nationwide ‘Getting to Terms with Vegetarianism’ programme so the populace learns how to eat healthily we would see a difference. Besides, meat-eating is a waste of resources, cruel to animals, and a drain on the environment. We must maintain our ban on meat-eating, and, moreover, outlaw all other animal-derivative products such as eggs, milk and honey.”
  3. “That’s it, I’ve had enough with these smug leaf-eaters!” says Beverly Vangelis, while tucking into an illegally imported steak. “I bet it’d really wipe the grins of self-satisfaction off their faces if we made meat-eating compulsory and banned vegetarianism! How’d you like that, eh? The thing these rabbits can’t get into their head is that people LIKE meat. Who’re you or anybody to say we shouldn’t enjoy what we can while we can? Life is too short to worry about the feelings or rights of dumb animals! Down with veggies!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Efficient Economies.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, scenic beaches are now protected by massive concrete walls.

2022-05-24 03:30

Tide Stops for No Man

The tragic news that seaside resort town Gamblerville-on-Sea has now become Gamblerville-under-Sea has brought the issue of coastal erosion to your attention.

  1. Enthusiastically swinging a bucket and spade, Yoko Ebert of the Random Chaosian Tourism Bureau implores you to strengthen the coastal defences. “We need groynes, sea walls, revetments, gabions - whatever you can get us! Without this protection, dozens more beautiful beaches and tourist hotspots will be lost to the sea, and then where will you go on holiday? Bigtopia?! Don’t make me laugh.”
  2. “Why spend millions of chips protecting provincial villages?” scoffs penthouse-dwelling urbanite Daenerys Longbottom. “Sea levels are rising, and they’re going to be destroyed eventually. How much money are we going to pour down the drain before we realise these seagull-infested dumps aren’t worth saving? Leave the hoi-polloi to their run-down resorts; I’m jetting off to Tasmania.”
  3. “Sea levels are rising, but that’s only because we’re destroying mother earth!” screeches near-hysterical environmental campaigner Nyota Sharp, who for no apparent reason has chained herself to a nearby tree. “Encouraging even more construction and air travel only exacerbates the problem. Instead we should be promoting sustainable eco-tourism: if tourists want to enjoy what Random Chaos has to offer, they should offset their carbon emissions. They can start by planting a tree.”
  4. “All of them have it wrong!” exclaims local nutter Michonne Beachcroft, half-submerged in the sea, and apparently trying to turn back the tide. “In this modern age, why accept that coastal erosion marks the end of things? With enough determination, and massive amounts of money, we could reclaim the land from the sea, and turn this sunken Atlantis into the go-to destination of The Hatrackia!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens rise at daybreak every day for mandatory exercise.

2022-05-23 22:00

Widening Buttocks Cause Movie Theater Havoc

Several festively chubby people were lodged in their movie theater seats for hours, as Random Chaos’s Fire Department worked to free them. Health organizations are now expressing concern over the problem of obesity in Random Chaos.

  1. “Clearly, we have to do something about the expanding obesity problem in Random Chaos, er, no pun intended,” remarks Tendi Bonaparte of the National Health Bureau. “The government should implement an extensive exercise management program and make it mandatory that all citizens participate in some kind of exercise at least once a week.”
  2. “Mandatory exercise! Get out! I don’t have the time!” snorts nationally renowned TV chef Bert Hammarskjöld. “How about banning those greasy fast food joints and drive-thrus? I mean, seriously, if you can’t get out of your stupid car to walk in and get a meal, how sad is that? Ban fast food and make junk food more expensive—that way, people will have to think about whether they really want to spend ten chips on a snack cake.”
  3. “I don’t see why it’s anyone’s business but my own how I kill myself,” says Fumiko Norris, a pleasantly plump former computer programmer, midway through a chili dog. “My weight is my own business, and if I don’t feel like exercising, that’s my choice. Sure, it’d be healthier to lose a few pounds, but my priorities lie elsewhere. Leave us alone, and we, the citizens of Random Chaos, will decide what’s important to us and what we want to eat.”
  4. “What about government-funded liposuction?” asks Lars Trump, while contemplatively chewing a mouthful of chili dog. “If I could get the fat sucked off of these hips, that would give me the willpower to stay thin. Obesity would be a thing of the past! Just think of it! Nothing but svelte, beautiful people everywhere! Ah, bliss!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is broadly agreed that tramp stamps are criminally undesirable.

2022-05-23 15:30

Tragedy of Wounded Earlobe

In the midst of a religious ritual deep in the jungles of Random Chaos, members of the Ngwane tribe were blindsided by a sudden police raid. Citing laws against body modification, the police dumped out barrels of tattoo ink, confiscated store huts full of piercings, and arrested the Ngwane.

  1. “This is a sad chapter in our history,” observes tribal Chief U’ana Nosren’g, stroking the chicken bone he wears as a chin-piercing. “The ancestor spirits weep at the sacrilege our people have had to endure. The boys who were being inducted into manhood can now never be considered to be true men. This is religious discrimination and oppression of my people. Please let my people go and allow body piercing and modification once more.”
  2. “My team was just following the law,” states SWAT captain Rick Tan, who oversaw the raid. “They get no sympathy from me. Anyone who lives within our jurisdiction is subject to our rules and regulations. The laws against body modification help promote public order and traditional values. Let this go, and you’re re-opening the door to inked gang-members and pierced punks.”
  3. “I doubt that our primitive friends were intentionally ignorant,” coos Abdullah Castro, board member with the religious recreation camp ‘Fun with Faith’. “Their determination to pursue these modifications stemmed from their backwards beliefs and simple-minded tribal ways. If you’d just sponsor our outreach program, we could perhaps guide the Ngwane down the path towards a more advanced faith. Change starts with the children, you know.”
  4. “Just leave these people alone!” wails inner-city guru Debra Huffington, who has crafted ‘tribal solidarity bracelets’ out of beads and tatty string. “If the police hadn’t interfered in the first place, that village would still be celebrating their rituals, none the wiser! Not only should we let them live as they see fit, we need to return all these tribes to their original isolated states. Drop all contact immediately, and then retreat from ever laying a finger on them again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, asking a cutie their star sign is always met with withering scorn.

2022-05-23 09:30

The Fault Is in Our Stars

Your Astrological Advisor has yet again called for an immediate halt to all governmental activities. When questioned, she insisted that it must be done as the skies have been clouded over for several days, thus making astral readings too inaccurate for any important decisions to be made. Flanked by a colorful variety of different personalities and opinions, she has stridden into your office to warn you of great danger.

  1. “It is an omen of the oncoming storm!” cries your Astrological Advisor, tightly clutching her copy of the Random Chaosian Horoscope and a mysterious blue book. “For years the stars have blessed us with their favor, but now that they are gone we can only assume that they have abandoned us! Leader, for the sake of Random Chaos, the government should do as little as possible during these uncertain and dangerous times. You never know what those Gemini folks could be planning!”
  2. “The government’s actions shouldn’t be dictated by such crackpot nonsense!” blusters Francine Mason, a renowned atheist and Gemini. “As a nation, we must strive to put aside our archaic astrological beliefs and instead focus on a logic-based approach. Only through this can we function properly as a political institution. If this means getting rid of all these so-called star prophets, so be it. Besides, they’re just big spheres of exploding gas!”
  3. “The problem is not in the stars,” laments astronomer Larry Smith, a Capricorn who is feeling somewhat under the weather this week. “Instead, it lies with our tools. We lack the powerful telescopes needed to see through this cloud cover. With a small contribution from the public, we can build a gigantic telescope that will give us pictures of the constellations no matter what the weather may be!”
  4. “Stars, huh, what are they good for?” says self-proclaimed ‘Alternative Diviner’ Edwin Worr, while tossing a handful of asparagus stalks in the air. “We can’t just shut down the government every time a cloud is in the sky. This sort of thing will keep happening again and again and again. If you hire me, I will use more reliable methods such as asparamancy and tyromancy. That way, when I’m done divining, you’ll have delicious asparagus and cheese to eat afterward for no cost at all.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military officials are questioning the policy of ceding the nation's territory in exchange for promises not to invade it.

2022-05-23 03:30

Small Claims

The small, barren, and uninhabited island of Hanshedrik is claimed by both Random Chaos and Skandilund, and for years both sides have playfully vied for its control. New satellite images have shown that the Skandilundian flag has been planted on Hanshedrik, along with a gift of danishes. As you have no other plans today, you have called for a meeting to finally solve the dispute once and for all.

  1. “Two can play at this game!” declares your brother while lusting after the very tempting danishes on your desk. “We ought to respond in kind! Let’s plant our flag on Hanshedrik, and leave them a nice gift of Random Chaosian cheese. After all, mother always said there’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition!”
  2. “Or we could simply give the island to Skandilund as a gesture of our goodwill,” suggests your sister, after one of the danishes mysteriously vanishes. “In a world full of hostile nations like Blackacre and Maxtopia, wouldn’t it be nice to have a reliable ally? Giving them Hanshedrik would be a sign of respect. Perhaps we could even invite them to negotiate a military alliance, all at the low, low cost of a worthless island and a bit of national pride.”
  3. “Excuse me? Don’t tell me you’re suggesting that we give those Skands OUR island!” roars your Defense Minister before he starts whistling innocently as another danish disappears. “Playtime is over. If these frozen hippies want OUR island, they’ll have to fight us for it! We must establish a military base on Hanshedrik and defend it at all costs. That means more funding for the military to make sure everything goes smoothly.”
  4. “Must everything come down to war?” sighs the rarely seen ambassador of Qaanpaluk, a mysterious, but wealthy, nation made of a series of frozen islands. “Technically, Hanshedrik belongs to neither Random Chaos nor Skandilund and therefore is not yours or theirs to give away. Our ancestors discovered the island centuries ago and it has a spiritual significance for us. We are not an unreasonable people. If you give the island to us, we’ll grant you access to some of our gold deposits.” Just as you are about to grab a tasty danish, you notice the plate is now empty.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people are often woken up by rubbish music.

2022-05-22 21:30

Crushed Dreams

Tragically, a homeless Random Chaosian man was crushed to death in a garbage truck’s compactor after falling asleep in a dumpster.

  1. “What we need to do is make it impossible for people to go into dumpsters,” suggests Health and Safety Inspector Matilda Long, applying plastic table corner guards to your desk. “Make the hatchways too small to go in, and to be on the safe side, train garbage people to check the inside every time.”
  2. “That only treats the symptom, not the cause,” says Stanislav Sharp, Minister of Thinking Outside Boxes, who has spent the night sleeping in a cardboard box to ‘get in touch with my inner outcast’. “How about we simply build more homeless shelters? Give these poor people a warm place to spend the night, a good breakfast, and maybe some financial help getting their life back on track, no questions asked.”
  3. “Look, this was just one guy who realized he was human trash, and committed suicide in a messy way,” complains Garbage Union Rep Atticus Bautista, who is well known for his garbage opinions. “What about the poor municipal workers who are suffering nightmares now from his thoughtlessness? A better solution would be to let trucks play loud music in the cab, to drown out the hobo screams! We need to protect the mental health of our people!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prank shows are so hot right now.

2022-05-22 15:30

Happy Pranksgiving!

The wildly popular RCBC television series Prankyard Wars has long depicted a lovable team of practical jokers attempting to out-do each other with harmless mischief. However, following a recent dip in ratings, their increasingly elaborate antics led to the accidental incineration of a public park, several houses, and most of the local fire station’s equipment.

  1. “It was just a prank, Leader!” wails one of the jokers in question, Ken “Gambler-Butt” Chekov. “You can’t hold us liable for it! We just thought ‘FOOF’ sounded like a funny chemical name... you know, like ‘You got FOOFed!’ How were we supposed to know it makes pretty much everything it touches burst into flames? People need to lighten up and consider our intentions before grabbing their pitchforks!”
  2. “Dioxygen difluoride is one of the most dangerous chemicals in existence. We cannot allow this kind of irresponsible behavior!” roars police chief Wulfric Jackman, wildly flailing about with his baton. “They cannot possibly have acquired it without knowing exactly what it does! Let me bring them up on chemical weapons charges, and we’ll see who’s laughing when they get convicted as the terrorists they are. We must have zero tolerance for these so-called ‘pranksters.’”
  3. “We all know that the people making the decisions aren’t the screen talent, but the producers!” interjects four-time Golden Gambler winning actor Conan Popov, head of the Performers’ Guild. “They control the purse strings, so they are responsible for the content! You should fine them for forcing these poor performers to endanger themselves like that, and maybe toss in some criminal charges to boot. Nobody should have to risk their safety just to get a paycheck.”
  4. “Now, let’s sit down and have a nice fireside chat together,” rolls the soothing sentiment of Iris Whitlam, the unusually charismatic head anchor for RCBC News. “I am certain we can negotiate a settlement that will make all parties happy. If you look the other way on any laws that may have been broken, we can ensure that everything will be rebuilt better than before, and I can toss in some positive coverage of your current legislative efforts.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government's only official statement on the burning down of Random Chaos City was that 'they shouldn't have been so careless'.

2022-05-22 09:30

Where There’s Smoke

Random Chaos’s fire protection department has long been criticised for being slow, inefficient, and underfunded. A number of ideas have been proposed on how to deal with the problem.

  1. “See here, buddy,” says Georgina Springsteen, putting a friendly arm around your shoulder. “Your country needs fire protection, but you don’t want to pay for it yourself. What do you say me and some of the boys here open up a few fire stations of our own and let the custome- citizens pay US instead of YOU paying THEM. It’s not like we won’t put out the fires if they don’t have anything on them, we’ll just bill them and their children and their children’s children until we get all our money.”
  2. “Woah, woah, woah!” says liberal activist, Lee Bronte. “I don’t want my rescuers to be putting less effort into their jobs because I don’t have a credit card or live in a slum. Do you know when you’re at your worst, financially? WHEN YOUR HOUSE JUST BURNT DOWN. This is a victimisation of the poor! The government should be in charge of the emergency services and they should treat everyone equally. It’s only fair.”
  3. “Not only that, but we need to prevent fires from happening in the first place,” says Rosalia Haskell, your Minister of Safety, carefully turning off the wall sockets in your office. “And if that means sending free smoke alarms, fire extinguishers, and informative pamphlets to every household in Random Chaos so be it! Damn the expenses, Leader, lives are at stake!”
  4. “I think that sounds kinda... socialist,” says Agnes Ono with a disgusted grimace. “The government should keep out of this if you ask me. The only reason fires happen is because people are stupid and they know a fire engine will come racing down the street to save them. Take away that safety blanket and I think you’ll find they wise up quite quickly! We don’t need any tax-consuming fire service! If idiots and their families go up in flames they’ll have no one to blame but themselves.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, doctors prescribe medicines produced by the last pharmaceutical company to give them a free pen.

2022-05-22 03:30

Ask Your Doctor if Ads for Prescription Drugs Are Right for Random Chaos

Modern Visor, a major biopharmaceutical company in Random Chaos, caused a stir by advertising a drug on national television to help firm up people who suffer from Limp Wristed Handshake Syndrome.

  1. Asok Torres, CEO of Modern Visor, has pre-filmed his argument from what appears to be a bathtub on a hillside with a glorious sunset in the background. “You need to trust the Random Chaosian people here, Leader. There’s no reason prescription drugs shouldn’t be like any other marketplace. Let us put out the information about our drugs and the consumers will be better informed about what they want when they talk to their doctor.”
  2. “For the love of Violet, no!” cries Dr. Falala Cho, head of the Random Chaosian Family Medicine Council. “Patients already come in self-diagnosing with cancer based on a Reader’s Digest article and a rash. The last thing I need is to also explain to them why they aren’t a good candidate for a dubiously evidenced prescription medicine they saw while watching the evening news. Let’s leave recommending medicine to discerning professionals.”
  3. “What if I don’t trust doctors or pharmaceutical companies?” asks Kirby Janssen, your Minister of Healthy Skepticism. “Doctors shouldn’t be treated as gods and patients shouldn’t be as sheep, but pharmaceutical companies are obviously just trying to make a quick buck without regards to what’s best for the patient. What if we had a government-sponsored TV show where each prescription drug is given an unbiased review of its efficacy, side effects, and contraindications. Its a win-win! Or is it a lose-lose? Well, it’ll be best for your average Joe anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government theft from poor artists to give to rich allies has been dubbed the "reverse Robin Hood" policy.

2022-05-21 21:30

Leader, Don’t Tear Down That Wall!

Plans to demolish a disused widget foundry in Random Chaos City have met unexpected controversy: work by Pranksy, the famous graffiti artist, has been discovered on its walls.

  1. “This looks to be a previously unknown work from his early ‘puke-green stick figures’ phase,” proclaims popular art-lover and broadcaster Melvyn Blogg. “The building must be preserved in its entirety so that those masterpieces can still be seen in their rightful context!”
  2. “Graffiti? Bah!” exclaims Mayor Siko Quinn. “This is just vandalism, and so-called ‘artists’ should be forced to clean it up. My cousin is in charge of the site, and I’ve given ourselves planning permission, so let’s go ahead with demolition. Economic progress can’t be held up by a few wall-doodles.”
  3. “Let’s compromise,” suggests Charles Sourcheese, a modern art collector. “Why not just remove the sections of the walls that bear Pranksy’s works into a suitable museum - such as, ahem, mine - and then let the rest of the old building be demolished? I’d appreciate that greatly, and you do know I’m one of your party’s most public supporters, don’t you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, renewable energy projects have ground to a halt.

2022-05-21 15:30

Wind Farms Blowing Up a Storm

Wind farms have been set up across the country, generating enormous amounts of renewable energy for the citizens of Random Chaos. However, there are some who feel that they cause more problems than they solve.

  1. “Hideous eyesores!” roars Hope Barrow, founder of the ‘Not Within Eyesight Of My Backyard!’ pressure group. “All I wanted when I retired was a little cottage in the country; somewhere to pursue my hobby in watercolors - but no, the hippies just had to spoil it for everyone didn’t they? This place was beautiful! Green fields and perfect blue skies! Not anymore, though! These unnatural monstrosities are ruining my damn view! They should be taken down and scrapped!”
  2. “Oh, cry me a river,” grumbles McKay Grant, senior maintenance engineer of the local wind farm. “Just one of these wind turbines can power over a thousand homes each year and with only a minute fraction of the environmental impact of burning fossil fuels! These people are literally in favour of doing more harm to the environment they’re supposedly ‘protecting’ from wind farms! It’s beyond hypocrisy and very, very selfish. These ignorant villagers should be ashamed of themselves!”
  3. “Perhaps we’re just putting them in the wrong place?” asks Sigourney Mozart, another engineer. “We should be building wind farms out at sea! Strong uninterrupted winds and no local residents to disturb! Sounds like the perfect solution, if you ask me. Setting them up and maintaining them’s going to cost a bomb of course but... well, it’s worth it right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young and brooding teens are welcomed with open arms to the Dogwarts School of Strangeness and Sorcery.

2022-05-21 09:30

Any Witch Way Spells Disaster

In remote villages of Western Random Chaos, mobs of angry villagers have taken to lynching women accused of witchcraft. Concerned citizens have come to you for answers.

  1. “Well, someone had to do it!” yelps self-appointed head of one of the border town’s lynch mobs, Edward Salem. “That lady was commitin’ witcheries left and right, turned my nephew into a newt she did! I mean... he got better, but that’s besides the point! The gov’ment needs to let us protect ourselves and rid our peace lovin’ towns of these foul she-devils!”
  2. “No no, that won’t work,” says a tall, dark-haired mysterious stranger walking into your office with a gust of wind stirring his long duster coat and hat. He throws a crossbow onto your desk before continuing, “These simple folk do not have the honed skills to hunt witches or any other devil of the night for that matter. But I am a monster hunter. If you set up a sanctioned guild, then we can properly hunt these necromancers.”
  3. “We’d appreciate it if you would all kindly mind your own business,” chastises Hermione Potter, who is dressed in a long black robe and pointed hat. “Our traditions are centuries old, and it is about time the government stepped in and protected us. You’d do well to build us a proper school away from these barbar— oh honestly Ronald, give me that,” she takes a carved wand from a young red-headed boy, “it’s Lo-go-phil-ia Levi-o-sa, make the ‘phil’ nice and long.”
  4. “Where shall I begin?” coolly starts the head of the local planetarium, Dr. Carl deLawne Dyson. “These people, these simple farmers, they are taking what they don’t understand and they are calling it witchery. This sort of unsubstantiated ignorance must be stamped out. There is no such thing as witches, plain and simple. We need to start working towards a future free from these backwards superstitions at whatever cost.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids only know what plants are because they've seen them on the television.

2022-05-21 03:30

Make the Cut

When the grass on a roadside patch of lawn in front of Tanner O'Bannon’s house grew so long that a herd of wild deer moved in, the local council tried to force him to mow it - a job he claims is not his to do. Unexpectedly, this all-out turf war escalated over several months, till finally the problem has found itself on your doorstep.

  1. “It’s a bloody outrage, it is!” complains Tanner O'Bannon, who has showed up wearing nothing but a grubby string vest and stained briefs that have seen better days. “Some whinging council nerd says it was me land to mow and I gotta mows it! So then I told ‘em since it was me land, I can do whats I wants with it. Then they tell me it’s their land, but I gotta mows it. Anyways, I tells ‘em: if it ain’t me land, then it ain’t me bloody problem to mow the land, is it? If they want it mowed, they can bleedin’ mow it themselves!”
  2. “Surely you can’t expect us to look after every nature strip in our local government area?” asks Councillor Yasmin Urquhart, waving the red-ink-covered printout of the Local Authority’s annual budget. “By the time we pick up litter and pull weeds, we’ll need to be doubling our council rates! And when we do increase our rates, everyone chucks a stink! Force the idling bludgers to be socially responsible for once in their lives, and get them mowing!”
  3. “The whole problem appears to be that it’s not the resident’s land,” suggests Cortana Cohen, your Minister of Creative Solutions. “So what if we were to change that? Expand land rights out from the front door to the road. Homeowners get a land windfall, local authorities get to devolve responsibility. What could possibly go wrong?”
  4. “Hard problems need hard solutions,” observes Idris Kamen, manager of ConcreteIsUs. “Why don’t we just pave over the damned nature strip? That way it won’t matter whose land it is as no one will have to mow it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, drunk drivers are sent to rehabilitation paid for by the government.

2022-05-20 21:30

Drunk Driving on the Rise

More and more, citizens are drinking before getting behind the wheel. A group of concerned citizens wants something done.

  1. Erik Williams, head of Random Chaos’s chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous, says that drunk drivers need help. “Alcoholism is a nasty thing, a disease. The government has to help these poor souls to avoid the temptations of liquor, and wine, and beer, and hard cider, and brandy, and...” His eyes get a glazed, far-off look. “Where was I? Oh right, we have to help these people, not imprison them.”
  2. “That’s lovely,” says Sam Dubois, a noted anti-alcohol advocate, “in a perfect world where rehab fixes everything. But this is the real world, and it doesn’t bring back the victims. Drunk drivers kill people every day. If they take others’ lives, the government must take theirs!”
  3. “All of those plans attack the symptoms, not the disease,” says Minister of Transportation Ali Li. “Alcohol is a curse, a poison sent by the Devil to tempt mankind. We cannot trust people to make decisions for themselves. The only answer is prohibition. Ban alcohol completely.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mothers drive their college-graduate children to work.

2022-05-20 15:30

Slow Down, You’re Going Too Fast

Following fatality reports from several high-speed, multi-car accidents, concerned safety advocates are asking that national speed limits be reinstated.

  1. “Lives are being lost, and for what?” shouts author of “The Road Worrier” Naki Harper at a rally in front of Police Headquarters. “So that juveniles-at-heart can satisfy their need for speed? Enough already! The rest of us want our children safe. Reinstate the speed limits, and while we’re at it, raise the license age to 25. There’s no need for adolescents to foul our highways. They can ride the bus.”
  2. “The problem isn’t cars, it’s drivers,” states Tyler Obama, founder and spokesperson of Random Chaos Automation Industries. “Modern vehicles can be driven at high speed entirely by computer, and remaining human-driven vehicles could be heavily computer-assisted! All we need is some research and retooling money, and a bit of infrastructure assistance to add drive-by-wire nodes to the highways. Not only will we make our own highways safer, we’ll boost our automotive industry through the roof!”
  3. “Cars are only a part of the problem,” argues transit advocate Bryson Vajiralongkorn, assembling a toy train set on your desktop. “Trucks and busses are just as deadly. We need to shift entirely to railroads and get rid of cars AND trucks - high-speed trains between cities, light rail to the suburbs, monorails and trolleys in town. We can dump those old speed limit laws - people won’t get run over if they stay off the tracks! So what if a few industrial complexes have to relocate or close? It’s for the greater good!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, being Leader has been voted one of the top ten most dangerous jobs.

2022-05-20 09:30

A Sticky End for Leader?

After the recent Syrupgate Scandal (where your niece was seen eating pancakes with a non-maple-based sweetener) relations between Brancaland and Random Chaos have reached an all-time low. Hoping to patch things over, a formal head of state visit has been arranged. On the itinerary is an open-top ride through their national park in a traditional moose-drawn carriage. However, security staff have expressed some concerns about this.

  1. “Have you heard of the Sons of the Maple?” asks your security chief, nervously checking behind your desk for hidden assassins. “They’re hard-line Brancalanders who haven’t forgiven Syrupgate and they’ve promised to throw a bucket of syrup over your head. Look, someone as important as you is always going to have enemies, and security is paramount. You should travel only in our own armoured vehicles, and have your safety provided only by our own security services. It’s a dangerous world — you have to be pragmatic.”
  2. “According to the World Census, Brancaland is in the top 5% safest nations in the world,” reassures your Minister for Diplomacy, who is known to be quite ambitious. “You’re as safe within their borders as you are within your own front room. We should show some trust in Brancalandian security arrangements. After that, I think we could boost your international standing if you visited the front lines of war-torn Maxtopia and try to bring some healing to that broken nation.”
  3. “When are you going to learn there’s no place that’s as safe as home?” queries your Minister of Domestic Affairs. “Besides, we’ve got problems enough here for you to deal with. You should cancel all state visits for the foreseeable future, and pledge to remain in Random Chaos, putting your safety as well as the needs of Random Chaosians first.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, traffic cops spend most of their work-hours calculating citizens' monthly income.

2022-05-20 03:30

Drive My Car

While parking your car for a short press conference to pander to families in Random Chaos City, you are besieged by citizens and cops fighting over parking tickets, of all things. All sides seem unusually passionate about the topic, and you are being increasingly surrounded by the angry crowd.

  1. “These deadbeats think that if they neglect to pay their tickets for a few months, we’ll just forget all about them,” rants Police Chief Gyurme Modi while pushing aside some irritated motorists. “Well they’re wrong. The government needs more severe penalties to make an example of these criminals. After all, mis-parked cars obstruct the normal flow of traffic and annoy everybody. Hike up the fines, even take cars away from people that refuse to pay for their crimes. Then punks will know to respect my authori-tay!”
  2. “You know the real reason we have so many unpaid tickets? They are already too damn expensive!” fumes Mamiko Summers, one of the city’s poorest citizens. “How can someone who barely makes enough to eat possibly pay for a parking ticket? One ticket sets me back half a month and a rich guy only a minute. Tickets have to be proportional to people’s income. Then the punishment would actually fit the crime.”
  3. “How about we, the citizens of Random Chaos, finally get a break for once?” complains Severian Campbell while parking in a public fountain and splashing everyone nearby, yourself included. “It’s not fair to make my kids wait five minutes just to find an ‘acceptable’ place to park. Let’s just get rid of all of these silly tickets once and for all. After all, who’s to say where is or isn’t a logical place to park?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, would-be emigrants are told "abandon all hope all ye who would exit here".

2022-05-19 21:30

Two Countries and a Baby

The case of baby May Singh has captured the hearts of the nation. Born with a devastating neurological disease that has impacted her entire nervous system, the young girl has been left in a vegetative state, her organs shutting down. Doctors claim she has no hope for recovery, and have received a court ruling to discontinue life support. On the day May’s parents tearfully prepare to say goodbye to their child, the neighbouring theocracy of Savoiia has granted the baby citizenship and demands that you intervene in the case and expatriate her for treatment.

  1. “Respectfully, as baby May is now a citizen of our beautiful and compassionate country, you will allow us to take her with us,” demands Sterling Bergman, the Savoiian Ambassador to Random Chaos, as he sprinkles holy water on the child’s doctors. “We can offer her the care such a precious soul deserves. Our doctors will not only tend to her ailing body, but our people will pray for her immortal soul. We shall also work in hope of a cure, and who knows what untold miracles may come, years from now? And should she slip into the hands of Our Great Parent, then at least it will be at Their will, and not at the whim of capricious doctors. Do not give up on May. Do not condemn her to die. Release her to our custody.”
  2. “I implore you not to listen to this crackpot,” stresses Dr. Avinash Gutierrez, a representative of the hospital, putting his head in his hands. “Baby May is completely beyond the capabilities of modern medicine. For Violet’s sake, her condition is so rare, we can’t even be sure what it is. Of course I wish we could help her. No doctor wants to see their patient die. But to keep her alive is to harm her even further. Moving her now - even to another local hospital, let alone Savoiia - would cause unnecessary physiological stress and potential trauma; she probably wouldn’t survive the trip. Even if she does, she will inevitably die there, away from her extended family and supporters. Allow us to make her comfortable here so she can die in peace.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos's airwaves are dominated by corporate-backed commercial radio.

2022-05-19 15:30

Radio Rebels Ruffle Government

The ‘Underground Element’, a newly formed resistance force to the governing party in Random Chaos, has begun broadcasting anti-government messages over a network of public radio stations.

  1. “These rebels are harmless,” says Liam Mansbridge, political commentator. “In the interests of free speech and democracy, we should allow them to broadcast their messages. There’s nothing wrong with a little criticism of the government - indeed, it could do with some more incentive to perform well.”
  2. “It’d be one thing if it was genuinely insightful criticism,” says Rosita Skinner, your personal advisor. “But this is a disgrace! It’s simply fear-mongering and government-bashing. We should shut down these punks before they fill our citizens’ heads full of mistruths. And while we’re at it, there are a few other radio stations that need to smarten up their attitude to the government, too. Take control of the medium, and take control of the message.”
  3. “Now now, let’s be reasonable about this,” muses Alexandra Black, radio chatshow host. “The government should think very carefully before it gets into the business of telling people what they can and can’t say on the air. The solution here is not to ban criticism, but to price radio station licenses at an appropriate level - that is, higher than a rabble of unshaven hippies can afford.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizen radio operators agree that the certification test can open up a world of hertz.

2022-05-19 09:30

Hamming It Up

At a recent event you attended, your security detail was suddenly roused to action by a spate of unknown transmissions loudly received on their ear pieces. After quickly ensuring your safety, guards soon traced the source back to an amateur radio club innocently setting up operations in a nearby lot.

  1. “Aren’t ham radios great?” exclaims tweenaged club member Jacob Marconi, gleefully turning dials on some kind of base station. “With one of these, a person can talk to friends across town, or fellow enthusiasts all the way on the other side of The Hatrackia! You should make sure every kid in Random Chaos has the opportunity to learn about and use these radios! What better way to spread our nation’s message than a free transmitter for every home, and total freedom of the airwaves?”
  2. “I’m delighted to see so much interest in this technology!” remarks your Minister for Bureaucratizing Everything, writing down their remarks to file away later. “We should dedicate a certain segment of the nation’s frequency spectrum for such enthusiasts! We just need some regulations to avoid conflicts like what occurred today… I know! Certifications! If an interested Random Chaosian can pass a government-mandated training program, we let them loose. I’ll get to work on the requirements at once.”
  3. “Frankly, Leader, what happened just proves that the general public can’t be trusted with their own transmissions,” growls your lead bodyguard, looking up from a carefully-filled box score. “We need to keep the radio waves clear for security personnel, emergency dispatchers, and legitimate professional broadcasters for important things like the gamblerball World Championship! If somebody has something to say, let them find work as a professional.”
  4. “I’ve seen technology in other countries similar to a really upgraded version of the radio!” offers aspiring tech entrepreneur Miranda Matei, who was fiddling with some electronics nearby. “Citizens can plug into devices called ‘modems’ so they don’t occupy the airwaves. They also have keyboards for entering text-based information, monitors to see what they’re working on, and even programs that can run productivity software or play games! Allow this technology, and you’ll never have to worry about radio interference again!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Conservative.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, scenic mountain valleys are flooded with water as damming projects get underway.

2022-05-19 03:30

“Don’t Dam Our Rivers, Damnit!” Say Protesters

A group of Greenpeace protesters have called for an end to a government proposal to begin damming rivers in Random Chaos to increase water supplies and generate power.

  1. “Don’t build dams!” shouts protestor Coraline Zukerburg through a microphone heavily afflicted with feedback. “Do you know how many fish die in other dams in our region each year? Have you heard of the adverse effects building a dam has on the surrounding environment? Dam up this flood of dams, damn it!”
  2. “Think before you open your mouth,” says engineer Ibrahim Fils-Aimé. “While Random Chaos may have to pay the price in animal diversity, as well as adverse effects on the environment, do we really want fossil-fuel based plants polluting Random Chaos? If you use your common sense, I think you’ll find that damming some rivers would be a good idea. Plus, think of how much the economy would benefit from all the jobs these projects would create.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government recently relinquished its monopoly on the mail service.

2022-05-18 21:30

Going Postal

It has come to your attention that there is some serious debate over whether Random Chaos’s postal service should be either privatised or nationalised.

  1. “The postal system ought to be privatised,” says Velma Thiesen, Director of PostHaste, a small package delivery company. “All the government is doing is putting the tax chips of hard-working citizens into an outmoded and wasteful system. Private businesses can offer a much more efficient system with less junk mail. A little more expense on stamps is worth that right?”
  2. “Uh huh? And what about those in rural or remote areas?” asks Cassidy Chen, the CEO of Random Chaos Mail, the government-owned postal service. “If you privatise this business then they’ll get marginalised and ignored. With a nationalised service everyone can use the system and cheaply too. We provide a good service for our customers and have been doing so for a very long time! The postal service should be nationalised and all competition banned!”
  3. “There’s plenty of room for compromise,” says Harsh James, a stamp collector. “How about we just privatise the mail system and allow other competitors to move in but continue with government funding to Random Chaos Mail? That way everyone can get their post and the companies can have their own slice of the pie. It’ll require an increase in tax to cope with losses to competition but not too much. I think. To be frank, I just want more stamps.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, advertisements for jobs in the sciences run in fashion magazines.

2022-05-18 15:30

Appointment of a Science Advisor

After the government’s chief science advisor accidentally disintegrated himself in his latest experiment, you have come under pressure to appoint someone new to the position - but the leading candidates to replace him all have different priorities.

  1. “Science is critical to understanding our place in the natural world,” writes biologist Herb Whitlam in his application letter, which is covered in paw-prints and smells faintly of gambler dung. “I believe we need to look more closely at how our actions affect the environment, and if I’m appointed as advisor, I’ll make sure the government takes the long term view to ecological preservation - even if that does mean putting a few public works projects and industry partnerships on hold.”
  2. “Now now, you’re not going to listen to all that tree-hugging nonsense, are you?” cajoles chemist Akira Doe, introduced to you at a cocktail party thrown by one of your biggest corporate donors. “The government needs to be partnering up with industry, not making things harder for them. If I’m appointed, I’ll make sure the government promotes innovation and invention - and if that means loosening up some of those silly environmental laws, then so be it!”
  3. “Typical: a new vacancy for a government science advisor opens up, and it immediately becomes a boys’ club,” sighs physicist Mary Lee, sporting a rather fetching pink lab coat. “Do you realize that girls outperform boys in science at every grade in school, but that far fewer women end up taking jobs in the sciences than men? Appointing a woman as the nation’s science advisor would be a great first step to improving access to the sciences for everyone - and I’d use the position to lobby for universities and research centres to hire more women, too.”
  4. “Whomever you appoint will just end up leading Random Chaos into further damnation!” rants fundamentalist preacher Doris Savage in one of her sermons, replete with typically alarming - and anatomically explicit - descriptions of what this damnation will actually entail. “It’s time we purged the government of all its heathen influences, and that includes removing anyone who might go around using words like evolution, or entropy, or evidence!” She breaks off to chase after a group of scientists passing by, waving a pitchfork at them.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader's new office has a propensity to catch on fire.

2022-05-18 09:30

Demonic Possession Getting You Down?

Reports that more and more Random Chaosians are seeking exorcisms for being possessed by evil spirits are fuelling rumours of an impending apocalypse.

  1. “What absolute hokum!” asserts famous sceptic Prudence Clason, shaking her head in disbelief. “All these people who claim to be possessed are attention-seeking drama-queens. Demonic possession is not real. We need a public information campaign which states that demons are imaginary, the apocalypse isn’t coming and everyone should just calm down.”
  2. “DEMON! I’m going to need some help here,” screams exorcist Hack Johnson, as he begins sprinkling her with holy water. As his baffled assistants take over pinning her down, he turns to you. “My congregation alone has thousands of citizens and they all claim to be possessed. I can’t administer exorcisms to all these people all by myself. The government needs to set-up a massive recruitment drive for all the remaining non-possessed citizens to become exorcists and fast-track their exorcism training.”
  3. “The hour of damnation is at hand!” shouts Monk de Wally de Honk, a doomsday ‘prophet’ who frequently changes his forecast of the date of the apocalypse. “I have studied the words of holy books and the stars, and Random Chaos doesn’t have much time! I implore you to move those remaining souls who aren’t possessed to safe, remote, and unaffected areas of the nation. The purity and isolation of the land shall keep us safe!”
  4. Finally, a man dressed in a dark suit and holding a pile of contracts seems to appear out of nowhere. “I am from the law firm Horace, Edward, Logan and Lee. My client has instructed me to inform you that there is only one way to save the Random Chaosian people from this calamity. Tell all of them to sign these contracts, then my client shall transport them all to a place far away from the imminent catastrophe. There’s nothing to be suspicious about, my client is a reasonable fellow.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young people avoid opening doors for the elderly with impunity.

2022-05-18 03:30

Free Credit Reports With Monitoring

After Dàguó implemented a “social credit” system, in which the good and bad deeds of citizens affect a score which determines various rewards and punishments from the government, politicians are pondering the plausibility of using such a system that rates your citizens based on their actions.

  1. “I think having a social credits system is great!” gushes one of your political aides, coming into your office looking distressed. “For example, I would give the cab ride that got me here only 3 stars out of 5. When there are clear incentives and negative consequences for people’s actions, everyone will behave and treat one another better. We can have an information collector in every neighbourhood to see who’s been naughty and nice, and give those with high scores rewards like higher priority in hospital queues.”
  2. “This goes beyond opening doors and saying grace!” barks local philosopher Declan Yossef, barging into your office and slamming the door shut, breaking the doorknob. “People make mistakes all the time! Don’t tell me you’re gonna start punishing those your system deems bad citizens just because they accidentally dumped their rubbish in the street. I’m not saying I accidentally littered... and the information collectors can be bribed! And we should not let the government encroach on our liberties by punishing people for actions that are not crimes. Just forget this idea right now and don’t punish me for breaking your doorknob, okay?”
  3. “Why implement a system that rates your citizens when you can have the citizens rate the government instead?” whispers a mysterious stranger as retro music begins to play. “That way, the old, drab officials in their drab suits can just be fired by you and replaced with more qualified people with more street cred.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, constipated-looking politicians are uptight about potty mouths.

2022-05-17 21:30

All Hands on Tap!

Hoping to enjoy a quiet afternoon after a busy week full of Cabinet meetings, you are startled as Casimir Schultz, your Minister of Health, rushes into your office without even knocking on the door. He is flushed with indignation, and is obsessively rubbing his hands with an antibacterial wet wipe.

  1. “Oh, this is a public health disaster, Leader!” your Health Minister clamours, slipping on a pair of latex gloves before grasping your hands in supplication. “I was in the restroom just a moment ago, and what should I see there? A vile, vulgar villain who left the stall and strode straight out of the door without washing his hands! This is the third time this week I have seen this disgusting behaviour. We need a public health campaign to remind people to wash their hands properly after using the toilet!”
  2. “Excuse me: a villain?” asks Morgan Enuv-Thyme, your secretary, brushing dandruff off your shoulder and blowing a raspberry at your Health Minister. “For your information, I am the villain that he complains about, and I did not wash my hands. So what? Everyone knows that door handles and money have more germs on them than a human bottom, yet nobody washes their hands after touching those. In fact, I think coming into contact with germs probably boosts our immune system, and running taps less is good for the environment. You should be actively promoting water-saving strategies, Leader!”
  3. “This potty talk is unacceptable!” interjects your aunt, who has come to your office unannounced to bring you brownies for your afternoon tea. “My little darling, we talked about this. Toilet business is private business, and we shouldn’t be getting involved. In fact, it’s just poor taste all around for public officials to talk about private functions. Let’s have some decorum in politics, please!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Saturday morning cartoons feature full frontal nudity.

2022-05-17 15:30

Digital Revolution Requires Re-Evaluation

Advances in television recording devices have brought the topic of sex and violence on late night television back to the table. Interested parties want to share their concerns.

  1. “I’ve had just about enough of this!” fulminates concerned parent Leia Burns, who seems purple with rage. “Our children’s minds are being fed garbage on a daily basis by what they see on TV. Why just the other day I caught my kid watching a DVR recorded from a late-night cartoon where a clown beat a hooker to death with a vodka bottle! We need to stop the sex and violence on TV entirely, and limit the networks to decent family programming during daytime hours.”
  2. “Why should everyone else pay the price for bad parenting?” bellows libertarian and free speech advocate Roger Henderson. “This government needs to get out of the business of designating what we can and cannot watch. The free market will adapt to the needs of the buyers, leaving parents to do their jobs and monitor what their kids watch. I paid good money for my TV - let ME choose what I want to see!”
  3. “You folks are missin’ your best bet,” celebrity race car driver Akira Park whispers in your ear, while wearing a jumpsuit covered in product logos. “Us racers have lead the way towards makin’ product placement the must-have advertising choice. Ain’t no need to ban content they cain’t stand. All you gotta do is hide the action behind a Microcosm computer or hold an Eckie-Ecola in front of the naughty bits, and nobody gets hurt. Them internet fellas done figured out how to throw ad banners in front of the stuff you want to see; just do the same thing on the teevee sets. Everybody wins!”
  4. “You know, this gave me a fantastic idea,” declares one of your advisors, grinning broadly. “So if I got this straight, children will change their behavior according to what they’re exposed to on TV. So what we should do is put subliminal messages about our government in every program on TV during kid’s viewing hours. That way children will stop the violence AND they’ll be more inclined to serve our government when they grow up. GENIUS!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, garden flower shows rarely smell of roses.

2022-05-17 09:30

Bowl Motions

A survey of the plumbing industry has noted that in recent times toilet basin sizes and flush volumes have been on the increase.

  1. “Giant toilets are a giant problem,” declares environmentalist Calvin Shatter. “The nation generates a considerable carbon footprint and a great deal of chemical waste to create tap-quality water for your households, then you dump a quarter to a half of it back into the sewers through flushing. We need regulations to set a maximum basin and flush volume, to prevent us being so wasteful with water.”
  2. “Aw come on, I need a powerful flush!” complains generously proportioned food-lover Harriet Creosote. “Look, when you’ve got a Brancaland Steamer coming down the way, you don’t want it sailing in a shallow river. I pay my water bill; I bought my throne! My business is not the government’s business!”
  3. “Up the creek without a paddle? I’ve got a compromise solution,” smiles bright-looking junior minister Malcolm Güldenschauer. “You could tax drinking-quality water on the monthly bills, but let people use untreated greywater at a discount. This will give people incentive to use drinking water only for drinking.”
  4. “Big job? Big science has the answer!” enthuses experimental biologist Sarah Middenmarch. “Why not flush a little money in the direction of developing my newest innovation? I call it The Eater. This bio-toilet uses engineered friendly bacteria to efficiently digest human waste, and produces a tank full of methane bio-fuel as a side product. Good for the environment, good for cutting household bills, basically just really good sh...” The noisy flatulence of your junior minister cuts her words short.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Timber Woodchipping Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a shipwreck is everyone's fault but the captain's.

2022-05-17 03:30

Down With That?

A Random Chaosian cruise ship ran aground last week in the treacherous waters off the southern coast. The captain, Ingmar Rasputin, had infamy bestowed upon him after it was found that he abandoned ship before all of the passengers on board safely made it off, defying centuries of maritime tradition.

  1. “Twenty people drowned in that accident, and that scum-bag decided his life was more important?” rhetorically asks Michonne Wood, one of the surviving passengers of the ship, still visibly shaken by what had occurred. “Ship captains should always see to it that everyone on board gets off safely before they do – after all, they can’t direct the rescue effort if they aren’t on the actual ship! If they don’t, we must punish these cowards to the fullest extent of the law!”
  2. “Let’s not be too hasty about assigning blame here!” counters Captain Rasputin, who’s remarkably shorter and skinnier than you expected him to be. “I’m just as traumatized as anyone else. I was actually helping coordinate the rescue operation, albeit from the safety of land. It’s not my duty to add to the death toll, is it?”
  3. “That captain is nothing but a lily-livered land-lubber!” scoffs Rear Admiral Ebert. “When Random Chaos first took to the seas, the ship’s captain was obliged to go down with the ship, even if they were within spitting distance of the shore! It was the honourable thing to do back then. We should return to our maritime traditions and any captain that doesn’t like it should be given a good ol’ keel-hauling!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the country's famous rainforests are being bulldozed by the mining industry.

2022-05-16 22:00

Uranium Deposit Promises to Enrich Random Chaos

Prospecting company Nukes4U has uncovered a large uranium deposit in Random Chaos’s south-west.

  1. “This is a terrific find!” claims Nukes4U CEO Ingram Reed. “It will provide an enormous stimulus to our economy and create thousands of new jobs. It’s win-win! All we need from the government is permission to bulldoze the rainforest that’s on top of the deposit.”
  2. “You’ve got to be kidding,” says green pamphleteer Michonne Wynne. “This rainforest is thousands of years old! This country needs more environmental protection, not less. And to destroy the environment in order to mine uranium that then goes into nuclear bombs—well, that really sticks in my craw.”
  3. “There’s no need for an either-or decision,” says the government’s Minister for Mining, Clear-Felling, and the Environment. “We can preserve most of the rainforest and allow mining of a small part. After all, think of all the good that the money from this uranium deposit can bring to Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 9 out of 10 consumers think that vitamins can cure cancer.

2022-05-16 15:30

A Word From Our Sponsors

With its colorful packaging and pleasantly sweet aroma, Health-Squirt Vitamin Juice has rapidly become one of the most popular drink products in Random Chaos. Helping its sales are prime-time TV adverts claiming that it is “a superfood that puts immune system boosting natural detox elements and energy-enhancing anti-oxidant vitamins into your cardiovascular system”. It was recently discovered that the product has no such qualities, and the adverts are clearly lying.

  1. “False Advertising, Nuisance To Public!” proclaims Ami Jamieson, lead journalist for Health Magazine, clearly planning her next newspaper headline. “But will it ever go away? In this journo’s humble opinion, yes! Maybe the government should review advertisements to make sure we get THE TRUTH!”
  2. “Or you could relax on our beautiful lounge chairs on our charming private beach,” suggests marketing rep Emile Powell, offering you an ice-cool bottle of Health-Squirt, now with Sports Slurp TechnologyTM. “It’s not like we’re doing any harm, and promoting the idea of health has got to be of some benefit to those zombified couch potatoes who sit and play Gamblers vs Skeletons all day. We didn’t really do anything wrong, right? Don’t treat people like idiots who don’t know what they’re buying. Treat them like idiots who keep the consumer economy going! Deregulate advertising, and the free market will create wealth for Random Chaos.”
  3. A tired-looking and shaggy-haired fellow plops down into your comfiest chair. “You know what, Leader? I have had enough of ads. They interrupt my television watching, and we’re basically immune to them anyway.” He sips his Eckie-Cola and adjusts his designer sweatband. “I say we ban all TV advertisements between midday and midnight so we can watch the good stuff on the telly uninterrupted. Now, can I go back to watching my soap opera?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, electricity company executives pray nightly to Zeus and Thor.

2022-05-16 09:30

The Worst Storm to Hit Random Chaos Since... Yesterday?

After the eighth terrible super-storm to ravage Random Chaos this week, residents of the affected areas, your own advisers, and random people seeking shelter from the elements have gathered in Random Chaos City to see whether anything can be done.

  1. “I’m tired of these storms, Leader,” sighs Luigi Garak, who looks as though he’s just been dragged through a tornado. “The winds of this last storm were over 300 kph! My house was blown away! Something must be done to prevent buildings from being destroyed. Maybe if the government made it mandatory for all buildings to pass a disaster safety test, it would solve all our problems.” He plucks a bird’s nest from his hair before continuing. “I’d be prepared to pay a little more in tax if I still had a roof to sleep under!”
  2. “Did you see how many times my supposedly lightning-proofed house was struck by lightning this morning?” cries violently twitching government adviser Carrie Harper, still smoking and smelling of ozone. “But when I was struck for the fifth time, I had something of a light bulb moment - literally. Why not create a way to turn the lightning strikes into energy for the city? Think about it for a moment: every time a bolt of lightning hits, we could harness the energy to charge the grid. Of course we’ll need to install a lot of conductors, and I’m not sure just how much electricity is in a lightning bolt, but just think of the possible savings once they’re in place!”
  3. “Forget the wind and lightning, did you see the hail? It’s the size of minivans!” screams Imogen McKay, her voice echoing out from her hiding place beneath your desk. “My house was flattened like a pancake! What we need is some sort of weather machine that can limit the destructive effects of these storms. Sure, it’ll cost trillions of chips in the first year alone and we’ll have to divert funding from all other government departments to pay for it, but we could finally be safe.”
  4. “Never mind about the wind and the storms, they’re merely a glimpse of our punishment to come!” exclaims Order of Violet cleric Amber Stark, waving a prophetic text in your face. “The Book of Violet says that after me shall come the flood! We must retreat to the ark and prepare to cleanse our souls!”
  5. “You’re all panicking, when you should be seeing this for the great opportunity that it is!” suggests the ever cryptic Minister of Creative Solutions, Edward Bullock. “We could make Random Chaos the tourist capital of the world relating to bad weather phenomena. All we need is to set up some dangerous storm spots as sightseeing destinations and we could be rich! Maybe the temperature will actually get below -40 degrees soon so we can unveil our ‘Freezing Experience’ tour.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Arms Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's a hole in the heart of every Random Chaosian city.

2022-05-16 03:30

I’ll Be in My Bunker

With rising world tensions, many people are clamoring for nuclear bunkers.

  1. “We need a communal shelter in each major city for when the inevitable global nuclear war arrives,” declares Ivana Locke, self-proclaimed concrete pouring expert, who is phoning in on her two-hour drive from Gambler City to Random Chaos City. “You spend the money, and you do it right. You make one mistake, Leader, one tiny little mistake, and the whole world comes crashing down around you. It’d also be a worthy public works project, helping the unemployed now and for the foreseeable future.”
  2. “I agree we do need bunkers, but Ms. Locke has not gone far enough,” worries paranoid local Gertie Burton. “You hear about the four-minute warning? That’s how much time we have to get to shelter. Everybody deserves to survive the nuclear apocalypse, not just those who are lucky enough to be close to a communal vault. You should have one shelter for every Random Chaosian home. I know, I know, too expensive - that’s why you make it a building regulation, and force home builders to meet that standard.”
  3. “Why bother with coward-houses when our enemy could be eradicated before they could consider striking us?” asks political hawk Leonardo Hendrikson, swatting a fly on the wall with a double-handed axe. “No complicated shenanigans either, just a small increase to our nuclear arsenal to make us capable of destroying the very planet we stand upon. Nobody would be that crazy to attack us if we had that!”
  4. “I think I speak for all sane folk when I say we don’t need this rubbish,” offers a passer-by from outside your window. “Nukes are just for posturing - nobody ever uses them! I read that in Brasilistan they got rid of their nuclear deterrents altogether, and I don’t think it ever hurt them. We should give the taxpayer a break by paring back our military, committing to no nukes, and living our lives in pleasure. I’m not paying for an event that may or may not even happen! And if I’m wrong, we’ll all be dead anyway.”
  5. “You know, we could save money by investing in just one super-luxurious fallout shelter,” observes trans-humanist visionary Roberta House, via a video call. “Build one just for the ten thousand or so people that really matter - the politicians and leaders of industry. You can keep a freezer full of sperm and eggs from carefully-picked beautiful and brilliant individuals, to help maintain future genetic diversity. Let the common folk worry about the ramifications of the nuclear winter for themselves. A hundred or so years later, our descendants will emerge. Humanity will be reborn from the brightest, the best, and the wealthiest!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, newly-peaceful nations are forced to use assault rifles as farming tools due to a lack of funds for purchasing anything else.

2022-05-15 21:30

Gunning for Profits

The diplomatic peace process between historic enemies Maxtopia and North Bigtopia is gaining momentum, to the delight of many who have worked hard to end this decades-long conflict. However, many Random Chaosian defence contractors are feeling less than celebratory, as the outbreak of peace has led to both nations cancelling longstanding and lucrative arms deals.

  1. “We’ve got cancellations on multiple big-ticket items, including a squadron of Blue Gambler fighter jets,” complains arms manufacturing bigwig Hayley Richards. “Jobs and profit margins are at risk! If you want a healthy defence industry in this country, you have to persuade the two nations to renew their contracts. If that means napalming them until they comply, then so be it! Shall I put you down for a dozen long-range bombers?”
  2. “Look, we don’t have to be so blatant about things,” whispers your new janitor, who you realize is actually the CEO of Armat Battlefield Systems in an elaborate wig. “All you need is a dozen of your most loyal and discreet black ops soldiers wearing Maxtopian uniforms and carrying M41s, the rifle of choice of the Maxtopian Colonial Marine. Send them into North Bigtopia, have them shoot up a government building, and make sure they’re caught on camera. Next thing you know, we’ll all be back in business.”
  3. “Sometimes markets change; we just have to adapt,” suggests Malcolm Yew, the pragmatic director of a start-up company specialising in fragmentary grenades. “Maybe the thing to do is to get rid of any restrictions on civilian ownership of military vehicles and weapons, and let us make more sales to the masses rather than to nation-states. I mean, what red-blooded young man wouldn’t like his own mobile missile launcher?”
  4. “Why don’t we go with the flow rather than make war on the peace process?” asks Diplomatic Corps Director Sarah Fallon, bringing you a nice cup of tea. “Scale down our own military spending, subsidise business interests that can profit from peace in the region, and let our own economy become less dependent on manufacturing the tools of destruction. Oh, that’s weird,” she declares, while brushing at a glowing red dot that has appeared over her chest.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, suburban families are finding themselves increasingly short on food as they waste precious water on their lawns.

2022-05-15 16:00

Water Supply Problems Becoming a Major Drain

Due to the explosive population growth in Random Chaos, coupled with recent droughts, people are beginning to worry about the nation’s decreasing water supply, and who should get first dibs on the vital H2O.

  1. “We need this water to raise our crops,” says incensed farmer Yulha Vasquez. “If it wasn’t for us farmers, the rest of Random Chaos would be starving. How about laying the blame where it belongs, and look to those cookie cutter suburban houses with their green lawns and pristinely-washed mini-vans!”
  2. “It is my right to have the most beautiful lawn in the neighborhood,” says neighborhood spokesperson Dallin Cooper. “Our community spends a lot of effort cultivating a nice environment for our kids to grow up in. Why, if they didn’t have these nice lawns to play in, they would be hanging out on street corners peddling drugs, or worse! Won’t someone please think of the children?”
  3. “Here is a novel idea,” proclaims Jadzia Khachaturian, spokesperson for radical environmental group Leave Nature Alone. “How about getting rid of all these dams and irrigation projects that are getting in the way of Mother Nature’s plans for the water? It is time to allow the rivers to take their natural courses and leave the environment alone. I’m sure things will work out fine if we let Nature take her course.”
  4. “Obviously, who gets how much water is only a part of the problem,” notes famed population-control advocate Murat Riker. “We must try to curtail the rapid growth of our population, whether by limiting the amount of children people may have, or by deporting immigrants and criminals... we must get a handle on our population before we can hope to correct this water supply problem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corrupt paupers spend taxpayer chips on liquor and tobacco.

2022-05-15 09:30

Alms and Qualms

Leaked financial reports have revealed that three of the five largest supposedly nonprofit charity organizations in Random Chaos have sent a substantial amount of their revenue to offshore bank accounts over the last fiscal year, with a negligible percentage going to the causes they champion. The altruists who donated to these faux-philanthropic facades are demanding that action be taken.

  1. “They’ve not only manipulated us, they’ve given false hope to the destitute!” cries Gary Pong, head of the dozen or so philanthropists crowded around your desk. “Half of my paycheck went to the charity BrasilistanWe last month, but according to the leaked documents, the money that should have gone to those poor children instead went toward jet skis, liquor, and goodness knows what else. The government must mandate that charities be completely transparent with their activities. We’ll pay for the government monitors and investigators. Just see to it that our aid goes to the needy!”
  2. “It truly is a sad day when humanity forsakes itself for material wealth,” laments an ascetic monk, flagellating himself in your office. “I implore the citizenry to ignore avaricious secular charities, as they seek to take advantage of the people’s altruism. Mandate that only religious charities can take donations since the Great Callipygian One’s guidance makes us truly care for the needy. Alms-giving is an integral column of our clergy, and we have the numbers and the devotion to see our duties through.”
  3. “To the typical observer, it seems like we’ve been dishonest,” sighs the CEO of the charity BrasilistanWe. “In truth, we sent our monies to offshore bank accounts so that they could accumulate interest, giving us more funds to help those in poverty. We were also planning to invest donations in some very lucrative stocks to generate more funds. This is what we resort to because not many people donate to charity. Ignore the exposés, allow us to continue our operations, and donate a sizable amount of cash to us to restore the people’s confidence in our foundation. We’ll help all the poor unfortunate souls with your contributions.”
  4. “Y’know, maybe it’d be best if the government make private charities less necessary by directly helping people instead,” dribbles a beggar who was part of an earlier photo op showcasing the government helping the poor. “Private donations depend on people’s goodwill, a scarce resource. Taxes are harder to avoid! Random Chaos will be the world’s greatest charity! You could really help out poor folk here and abroad!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are expected to be proficient in at least five languages.

2022-05-15 03:30

Random Chaos’s Schoolchildren Not Learning the Lingua Franca

After a recent national survey revealed that almost three-quarters of the population only know the primary language of Random Chaos, there have been rising calls for the government to take action.

  1. “Fluency in foreign languages is imperative to education,” says Professor Ruby Dvořák of Random Chaos City University. “Learning a new tongue not only gives a child a practical, marketable skill, but also encourages compassion and understanding of foreign cultures. With so many nations in the world, I do insist that we increase government funding in these areas and make it a compulsory part of the curriculum. As we say in Ancient Maxtopian: froggug sederty bungo-bungo!”
  2. “To be frank, the need for outsiders’ speak doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest!” claims Alina Locke, a fierce patriot. “Making our children learn these languages is an affront to the basic civil rights of Random Chaos! What’s more, this will encourage those damn foreigners to come here and take our jobs! I for one, will not stand for it! We can drop that area of education; it’ll give us tax payers a bit of a breather for once. I’ve always said that we don’t need any others but our own!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wounded veterans can only get prosthetics if they agree to become walking billboards for the arms industry.

2022-05-14 21:30

Wounded Veterans Demand a Helping Hand

RCBS Nightly News has run an interview with a former Random Chaosian Army officer who has resorted to using a hook as a replacement for the hand he lost in combat after the Department of Veterans’ Affairs failed to cover the cost of prosthetic surgery, prompting a deluge of complaints about the way Random Chaos takes care of its wounded veterans.

  1. “You can’t ask young Random Chaosians to go overseas to serve their country and then abandon them when they come home injured,” insists recently returned double-amputee Rosalina Mistletoe. “Wounded veterans like myself who have given their limbs for this nation deserve to live in handicap-accessible housing, and to have the cost of our surgeries and therapy fully covered, even if it does cost an arm and a leg. What’s the point of spending so much on expensive new tanks and planes if you’re not going to take care of those of us who have given so much already?”
  2. “We couldn’t agree more that these brave veterans deserve a better standard of living,” hastily interjects Agnieszka Stuckmann, CEO of military equipment supplier Global Strategic Solutions, Inc. “But there’s no sense cutting procurement orders to pay for it. We would consider it our patriotic duty to foot the bill for free prosthetics for anyone injured in the line of duty ourselves. And all we’d ask in return is an agreement to plaster — er, decorate — the prostheses with advertisements for our civilian sales branch.”
  3. “That takes care of the symptoms, but not the cause,” announces Professor Dorji Cage, Director of the RCAF’s highly secretive Special Projects Division. “As long as we insist on using flesh and blood troops on the battlefield, these kind of injuries are going to continue to cause so much inefficiency — oh, and human suffering too, I guess. I say it’s time we unleashed Operation Codename: Giant Killer Robots!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, owning a really cute pet is grounds for immediate investigation.

2022-05-14 15:30

Intelligent Design

Animal rights activists have petitioned the government to ban the selective breeding of pets to enhance certain characteristics, due to the genetic defects that this causes. After your office was inundated with letters filled with disturbing, yet adorable pet pictures, a meeting has been arranged to hopefully put the issue to sleep.

  1. A lone activist on all fours lets out a howl of despair in solidarity with her animal brethren before speaking. “Arthritis, skeletal deformation, and brain compression: these are just some of the terrible medical conditions caused by the public’s desire for ‘cute’ pets. Features in breeds like the Maxtopian fold cat and the Lilliputian munchkin rabbit are getting more exaggerated, putting the animals’ health in greater danger. The government should ban the continued breeding and sale of pets that have severe health conditions due to selective breeding.”
  2. “Rrrrgraf!” barks Mr. Fuzzykins, the darling Smalltopian hound of Z-list celebrity Berlin Chilton, who translates for her pooch. “Mr. Fuzzykins says that you shouldn’t listen to this drama queen, and he wants everyone to know that it isn’t at all a burden to him that he’s always short of breath and small enough to live in a mini purse. It just makes him more adorable! Isn’t that right, baby? Designer pets represent a person’s right to choose, and these activists want to take that away. We should be encouraging and funding selective breeding so that we can create even much more cuter pets!”
  3. “I agree with Ms. Chilton, but it’s not just about choice — this is my livelihood!” whimpers the owner of a local pet shop. “I’m already tied up in knots by bureaucratic diktats that force me to spend my hard-earned chips just to be issued licenses telling me what I can and can’t sell and how many bodies I need to run the shop. The government needs to stop pandering to the feelings of those who want to ruin my business and relax the rules on poor pet shop owners like me. Oh, and can I get a genetic sample from that excellent dog?”
  4. “Leader, such animals present us with an interesting opportunity,” proclaims your Junior Minister of War, snatching Mr. Fuzzykins from his irate owner. “This dog may not look like an awesome weapon of destruction now, but with some selective breeding and a lot of gene editing, we could have a whole battalion of elite canine warriors! We need to get ahead of countries like Dàguó — they’ve already created super muscular beagles with the help of genome engineering. With your approval, Mr. Fuzzykins here can become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, organ donation is compulsory.

2022-05-14 09:30

Compulsory Organ Harvesting Proposed

Tempers flare in Random Chaos as civil libertarians and the healthcare lobby clash once again over mandatory post-mortem organ donation.

  1. “It’s not as crazy as it sounds,” says Dr. Colleen Snape. “Every day, people die because we don’t have the organs to save them. Well, that and widespread under-funding of the health system. But the point is, if the government allowed us to take organs from dead people, we could save hundreds of lives a year. And come on, it’s not like dead people need them.”
  2. “You keep your damn hands off my organs!” says alarmed hospital patient Iago Bourdain. “They are my organs, and I’ll do with them what I like. The government has no right to my body.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Furniture Restoration Industry and the Top 10% for Most Conservative.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians are forced to wear portable lie detectors at all times.

2022-05-14 03:30

A Comedy of Errors

A controversial new ‘biography’ based on your personal life before your rise to power has proved to be quite popular all over Random Chaos. While many are calling it comedic drivel, some are taking it quite seriously.

  1. “Everything in that book must be true,” states Efthamia Fils-Aimé, the nation’s leading distributor of tin foil hats. “Why else are you denying it so hard? Now we know about the covert and underhanded negotiations you held with Brancalandian gold-smugglers!” She frantically waves a copy of the book in your face. “Tell the truth, Leader! You can’t hide from it forever! Mandate that all politicians cannot tell a lie.”
  2. “Am I mistaken, or is the author of this book the legendary stand-up comic Jerry Carlin?” points out Jerry May, an amateur comedian with a knack for impersonating you. “There is no legitimate reason for concern over a couple of silly jokes. You need to find a sense of humor before one more bad pun lands a comedian in trouble. Comedy is a form of art, not a nuisance to the credibility of politicians and leaders. The government should not have a say on how we tell our jokes.”
  3. “What poppycock!” blasts Natalia Snape, your red-faced Press Secretary. “Gullible consumers, which we admittedly know is a large slice of the demographic pie, will eat that thing up and hang on every word!” She takes a breath to scoff and sputter unintelligibly at another passage from the book. “We can’t provide a stage for these liars at the expense of your reputation. We must approve everything written about the government before it hits the bookshelves.”
  4. “Or we could just write your official autobiography,” advises Usman Bourdain, your extremely persuasive Propaganda Minister. “It’ll be easy to distribute it to the masses. They wouldn’t doubt a single word. Only you should decide what you want the people to know about your life, not some hack comedian with an ax to grind.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, possession of tomato seeds with intent to garden is a criminal offence.

2022-05-13 21:30

Regenerative Permaculture Emergence

Guerilla gardening - that is, illegal trespass onto unused or blighted urban land with the express intention of horticultural cultivation - is on the rise in Random Chaos. Activists have in particular focused their campaigns against the properties of the largest and most environmentally destructive corporations.

  1. “This is a protest, dude, to draw attention to the abuse of Mother Earth with ad-hoc environmental entrepreneurship,” explains self-professed eco-agorist Darya Griffin, trowel in one hand and manifesto in the other. “We’re taking back the land from those that despoil and destroy, and making life instead. Just turn a blind eye and let the counter-economy address these criminally polluting companies through direct action. Give peas a chance, man!”
  2. “I had just spent millions of chips on clear-cutting that manky old rainforest and putting up a brand new parking lot for my valued customers and employees, when these filthy garden-variety criminals came along. They used jackhammers in the dead of night and tore up my pristine asphalt sea!” explains oppressed big-business executive Jamie Murdoch, while caressing the spine of an Ayn Bland novel like a pet. “Instead of a beautiful ocean of shiny automobiles on a plain of black tar, there’s now ugly grass, flowers and apple saplings! Arrest these trespassers! In fact, sentence them to hard labour putting things back how they should be.”
  3. “Look, everybody loves broccoli, but we can’t just let people grow food without permission!” notes Moana Tavener, your Agricultural Minister. “Forget the trespassing: these maniacs are growing runner beans that are sometimes a whole inch longer than industry regulations allow! What this country needs is strict new laws and more agents to enforce them in order to properly regulate this regenerative trend and ensure that any and all gardens being planted are conforming to official standards. These guerrilla farmers can’t be trusted to act responsibly; only through wise cultivation under my agency’s guidance can we properly manage agriculture.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is a law unto itself.

2022-05-13 15:30

Government Saturated in Corruption

The government is rife with embezzlement and fraud as bribes and graft are accepted both blatantly and frequently by politicians and other government officials.

  1. “This is a systematic problem endemic of Random Chaos’s state of life,” says Ranil Davis, the president of a government watchdog organisation. “The other day I asked a police officer the directions to a restaurant and he demanded fifty chips on the spot! Even the road sweepers have to be paid not to dump rubbish in your garden! We need to inflict severe penalties on anyone abusing the system. Maybe the threat of a hanging will teach them to respect the responsibility of their positions.”
  2. “The problem is transparency,” says Yolanda Krustofsky, member of the National Whistleblower Association. “They can do whatever they want because they have absolutely no obligation to provide the public with the details of what they’re doing. We should make all the details of any gifts or money available to the public, and make politicians accountable to the law.”
  3. “It’s really not THAT bad, is it?” asks Daisy Rose, your Minister of Commerce, fiddling with a large gold ring before sliding a thick envelope across on your desk. “Maybe it’s all just a prank. Maybe it will all just... go away?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has the power to seize property at will.

2022-05-13 09:30

Eminent Domain: Inherent Right or Daylight Robbery?

A furious debate over eminent domain, or compulsory purchase, the government’s right to take a citizen’s private property without permission, has erupted after the government evicted hundreds of people from their homes to make way for a new shopping complex and a bypass.

  1. “Eminent Domain? More like outright theft!” cries Julia Boothroyd, whose house was bulldozed. “They took away my home! I have to move everything in my life somewhere else because of the whims of some fruitcake city planner? It’s lunacy! This blatant power abuse mustn’t be allowed to continue. The government should require explicit permission before taking private property!”
  2. “You can’t be serious,” objects Norman Hanover, a city planner. “You’ve got to have bypasses. Eminent domain’s essential! Without it we’d actually have to pay for the property we were steali- ah- expropriating and that would mean lots of boring paperwork and be much more expensive. If we really need to build something, say a bypass to ease congestion, do you really want that to be stopped because one person says no? We need eminent domain to let Random Chaos make progress. In fact we could cut costs even more if we didn’t have to pay compensation...”
  3. “I do believe we should retain our right to eminent domain,” says Tanya Nxumalo, your Minister of Miscellaneous Amenities. “But to use it for private industry is just immoral and corrupting. We really ought to only use eminent domain for the purpose of building public utilities like hospitals, schools, and carparks.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the word 'foreigner' is considered a highly vulgar expletive.

2022-05-13 03:30

Clash of Cultures

Conservative commentators have remarked that many foreign immigrants in Random Chaos are failing to take part in, or even acknowledge, the country’s rich and varied culture, traditions, and social mores. This has caused some interethnic strife, and reports of violence in minority-dominated neighbourhoods have been increasing every day.

  1. “It’s disrespectful,” says Sherlock Jekyll, serving traditional gambler-shaped cookies on a tray. “These people talk funny, dress funny, pray to bizarre gods, and cook their smelly food. Food I’ve never seen on any LOCAL menu. Some of them don’t even speak our language very well! If at all! If immigrants want the privilege of living in this country then they should be made to adopt our own traditions! Otherwise our culture will slowly but surely disappear! If they refuse... well, then they can go back to their own country since they love it so much.”
  2. “I have a right to lead my life the way I want,” says Appa Putin, an immigrant, with the help of a translator. “I will not forsake my heritage for your people and I will not dirty my tongue with your heathen language. And if you have a problem with that then tell me this: what have I done wrong? I pay my taxes, I break no laws- and yet you think I should change? Those who don’t wish to ‘integrate’ shouldn’t have to.”
  3. “Oh, there’s no need to be like that!” says Emma Wiseau, president of the Multiculturalism Society in a cheery tone. “Random Chaos should be a more accepting country, open to new experiences! Embrace difference, people, don’t reject it! These folk aren’t hurting us or our traditions, they are showing us different ways of life and making us wiser and richer beings in the process! It’s our responsibility to take the first step towards reparations and remove any ethnic bias from the names of our public holidays - how does Winter Day sound to you? I like it.”
  4. “We need to stop thinking of ‘them’ as a problem that needs to be fixed,” insists Kamehameha Dunn, an undergraduate in anthropology. “Integration in society is a two-way street, Leader. We can’t shun people for not following a major religion or drinking their tea with the wrong hand. That’s just silly! No, if we want immigrants to pick up our ways then we should be more willing to learn about theirs! Mandatory education courses should encourage citizens to learn more about other cultures in Random Chaos.”
  5. “That’s stupid,” says Otohime Lincoln, flatly. “I’m not going to ‘bond’ with immigrants by learning about their beliefs! For multiculturalism to actually function, everyone needs to actually meet these people and deal with them on a day-to-day basis. Then maybe they’ll realise that yeah, they’re people too. The only way to do this is to put an end to segregated neighbourhoods - even if it means forcing families to move elsewhere.”
  6. “Everyone shut up, I have the perfect solution,” says Wilkins Scully, shouting into a megaphone. “How about we kick these ungrateful foreigners out of the nation and never let them come back?! We’ve all heard what those ethnics are like, I wouldn’t be surprised if they ate their own young! Immigration shouldn’t be allowed! I won’t abide it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the religious lobby has the power of veto over health initiatives.

2022-05-12 21:30

Private Lab Holds Random Chaos’s Sick to Ransom

Scientists at a private medical research laboratory have announced that they have produced a drug which will combat Random Chaos’s most notorious malady - Spon Plague.

  1. “This pill is the only known and unknown cure for the Spon Plague!” proclaims Professor Rey O'Brien, the inventor of the cure. “But if we are to go ahead with the production of this drug, we must get some government support. We’re set to make a fortune from this drug - the money we earn will help us develop even more cures for other as-yet untreatable diseases. Some people won’t be able to afford it of course, but hard cheese on them: they should have got a paying job while they were still capable.”
  2. “That’s a disgraceful way to think!” says equal rights activist Zuko Urquhart. “So the people who need the most help shouldn’t get any? I propose that the government takes over the distribution of all drugs so everyone can benefit from them, rich or not! That way the money-hungry corporations won’t profit from the suffering of the masses. Of course there will be the matter of a small tax rise to fund it - but what’s that when lives will be saved?”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” deplores well-respected religious leader, Denethor Colbert. “If God didn’t want people to have this disease he wouldn’t have created it in the first place. This is completely against the will of God and if the government allows this drug to go on sale we will all be doomed to an afterlife in a dark and fiery place! Now let’s end this madness and abolish the production of pharmaceuticals and drugs altogether!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all the playground's a stage for Random Chaosian schoolchildren.

2022-05-12 16:00

A Midsummer Night’s Snooze-Fest

As legions of interns scramble to set up a stage in your office, your Minister of Theatrics dramatically announces that her Ministry has organized a play for you. The play purportedly tells a tragic story: the public apathy toward the long-dead but highly-influential Random Chaosian playwright Bill Wakesword.

  1. “I doth be the poet himself!” Minister Porklet announces, wearing purple robes and a long wig. “Once upon a merry time, my plays amazed those large and small. Now, there’s only one way to ensure Random Chaos remains in my thrall. Force my works upon the children, make them read it all! It may be true that the language doth be a few centuries old, but what is in a word? That which we call a Woodeating Spikeball by any other name would be just as Woodeating.”
  2. An intern apparently playing the part of ‘unenthusiastic teenager’ pokes the Minister with a rolled up comic book, causing him to crumble to the floor in mock agony. The intern robotically states, “Alas. Poor Wakesword. I knew him well. I would have surely been willing to get interested in Wakesword if his word choice was easier. If only we could rework Wakesword so that it appealed to me, a disaffected teenager, and my reading habits.”
  3. “All the world’s a stage, Leader, and it doth be time we saw some plays!” announces overconfident actor Rick Rear, dressed in a donkey costume and accidentally stepping on the ‘dead’ Minister. “As I, one of the greatest actors of all time, should know-eth, the best way to spread the brilliance of Wakesword is to fund school drama clubs and ye olde outdoor theatre! If we can coerce these apathetic adolescents, these indifferent infants, these bored brats to act, they will surely see the value of true literature.”
  4. Ka-boom! The wall of your office suddenly explodes, spewing fire and smoke everywhere. As the smoke clears, explosives enthusiast and the director of TransMorphers and Adolescent Monster Samurai Frogs, Michel Cove, strolls in, a second explosion obliterating the Minister’s stage. “This ‘Wakesword’ guy? Heh. His plays are older than my exes. What you need, my friend, are explosion-packed science fiction movies in the curriculum that will leave kids drooling over science and computers! The future is where the money is. The past? Who cares?” Another one of your walls explodes and he grins manically as your office burns around him.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, soldiers who shoot themselves in the foot are regarded as heroes.

2022-05-12 09:30

Just Deserts for Desertion?

Every year, the nation comes together to remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in defence of Random Chaos. While the majority of the population partakes in this act of remembrance, a small number of families dread this day — the relatives of those who were executed after being found guilty of desertion. Recently released documents have suggested that many were killed as a result of sham trials.

  1. “My great-uncle Lancelot was no coward,” sobs Cassidy Miller, as she cradles a photo of her relative. “The military records show that he retreated from combat while under attack. However, his letters to his wife explain that he was trying to get to higher ground so that he could pick off the enemy with his sniper rifle. He was accused of abandoning his post and was tried by officers who weren’t anywhere near him at the time, all without a lawyer present. All I ask is for a posthumous pardon — for him and any other veterans who were illegitimately convicted — so that at the next remembrance service, I can lay a wreath with pride knowing that he served his country.”
  2. “That’s preposterous!” proclaims General Larry Stromburg, as he stares at Cassidy with suspicion. “Pardoning those deserters would be an insult to those who died honourably on the battlefield. Moreover, everyone was tried fairly by officers who were proficient in the laws of the day. To be quite honest, I feel the army has gone too soft in recent years and stricter punishments for cowardice should be introduced.”
  3. “Why is it only the deceased being considered for pardons?” probes Rory Cage, a specialist in criminal law, as she grasps the lapels of her jacket. “One of my clients in the armed forces was sentenced to hard labor after a very dubious trial. Critical evidence was declared inadmissible, and the eyewitness statements were questionable at best. We should set up a special commission to re-evaluate all of these dodgy convictions. Furthermore, all military tribunals should be replaced with ordinary civilian trials that have proper oversight from our judiciary.”
  4. “Let’s test these blighters to see if cowardice runs in their blood,” suggests Agatha Hester, your Director of Covert Operations, as she discreetly clips a tiny spy camera to Cassidy’s handbag. “We can send them out to nations with whom we have not-so-friendly relations, Blackacre for one. Put them on a dangerous espionage mission, such as stealing a sample of those bio-weapons we all know they’re working on. If they succeed... Grandpappy gets his pardon. We might even find ourselves a few decent spies — they’re so difficult to come by these days.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians' financial records are locked up tighter than the nation's chip reserves.

2022-05-12 03:30

Desert Island Risks

An anonymous whistle-blower has released thousands of documents detailing how law firms in the tiny tropical island nation of Manamana helped politicians and businesspeople from Random Chaos hide millions of chips in undeclared income. The scandal, dubbed the “Manamana Memos” by the media, has rocked Random Chaos, as it involves several famous figures, including world leaders and public officials linked to your government.

  1. “This is clearly a law enforcement issue,” muses Palutena Roberts, head of the Financial Crimes division. “This is a reflection of the state of neglect my division finds itself in. We need more manpower, state of the art technology, new vehicles, maybe some snappy new uniforms, and of course, new legislation that gives us broader powers to investigate financial crimes, including the subpoenaing and wiretapping of suspects. Give us the resources we need and I’ll have those fat cats paying their taxes in no time.”
  2. “Oh my Violet! What is this communist madness?” screams Alistair Sid, the blue-haired and googly-eyed senior-partner at one of the implicated law firms. “My clients are furious! What kind of country is this when you can’t even have assets abroad without the press snooping on them?” He pauses to tear up a packet of chocolate chips, devouring all of them voraciously before continuing his tirade. “We want you to make this go away, Leader. Journalists should have no right to publish private financial data of politicians and corporations; it’s a breach of privacy and public trust! Prosecute all the journalists and so-called whistle-blowers responsible for this! Oh Violet, it looks like I picked the wrong week to quit dropping spunkmeyers, om nom nom nom.”
  3. “The problem is capitalism,” argues social activist and the oldest politician in Random Chaos, ‘Colonel’ Ernie Flanders. “We wouldn’t be in this mess if tax havens weren’t allowed in the first place. It is outrageous! Multinational corporations and the top one percent can suck the wealth from our country dry and then take it offshore to some so-called financial paradise to avoid paying taxes. We need capital controls to prevent economic collapse so we don’t end up in an economic mess like Bigtopia. We need to wage war against this corrupt system! Outlaw this practice at once!”
  4. “The problem is government and Leader’s incompetence,” counters noted billionaire Edward Rump, who was coincidentally listed in the Manamana Memos. “People come up to me all the time and tell me that they take their money abroad because they are tired of dealing with the draconian tax code and endless bureaucracy in this country. In order for Random Chaos to be great again, we need to prosper and be wealthy. In order to be wealthy, by the way I love the wealthy, we need to simplify the tax code and lower taxes. Freedom will ring and it’ll be amazing. So amazing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has forked out millions on an unmade bed that is apparently East Lebatuckese "art".

2022-05-11 21:30

Gallery in Need of a Renaissance

Having suffered from a continual decline in visitor numbers, the National Art Gallery of Random Chaos reached a new low yesterday, as just two visitors came through the turnstiles - one of whom was only there to fix the plumbing. Artists and aesthetes are demanding the government revamp the dated gallery to revitalise the nation’s fading enthusiasm for the arts.

  1. “The reality is, no one cares about some portrait of a smirking woman from hundreds of years ago,” asserts conceptual artist and millionaire Tina Hirst, pouring formaldehyde over a chainsawed gambler. “To get people excited about the arts, we need to display artworks that are relevant to this day and age — like mine.”
  2. “Our National Art Gallery is no place for your avant-garde junk!” responds caustic art critic Ryan Sewer, admiring a renaissance-era still life of a fruit bowl. “The National Art Gallery is underfunded. The government needs to spend more on preserving and promoting our creative heritage, or we risk becoming a nation of uncultured swine!”
  3. “There’s no need to be bitter over the differences in your aesthetic tastes,” soothes sociologist Carmen Lane. “Our galleries need diversity. We should fill them with works from around the world, from all styles, and from all eras. Then we can proudly consider ourselves a beacon for cultural tolerance.”
  4. “This just goes to show that the common man lacks the percipience to truly appreciate art,” scoffs Lord Marmaduke, handing his monocle to his butler to polish. “If these plebs cannot appreciate the magnificent works the National Gallery have on display, they should be in the hands, and dare I say houses, of those with the taste - and perhaps money - to do so.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children get arrested for floating paper boats on lakes.

2022-05-11 15:30

Lost at Sea

Years have passed since the failed search for the missing yacht Adventurer, which was reported lost with all hands, came to an end. Now it has finally been found, locked in pack ice in the ocean around Northern Brancaland. Nautical enthusiasts are asking how to prevent this from happening again.

  1. “Obviously, we need to have all recreational vessels create and submit a travel plan to my office before they leave port,” suggests your Maritime Minister, Jethras Putin, as he places a map of coastal Random Chaos on your desk. “If they transmit a distress call, we’ll send out rescue teams to search for them. They would have to pay a small fee to cover expenses, but it will be worth it for everyone’s safety.”
  2. “Then we could spend hours looking for them,” sarcastically remarks your Technology Minister, Natalie Winters, as she rips up the map and replaces it with a new globe. “Equip every vessel with radar and the latest GPS systems. We’ll monitor them from new tracking stations built all along the coastline, then we can send out rescue teams directly to them. The Coast Guard has been underfunded for years, I’m sure they would appreciate all these fancy new toys.”
  3. “Everyone knows that you’ll reach the Great Ice Wall if you sail too far!” exclaims fervent flat-earther, Valour Dumas, while trying to flatten your new globe with a rolling pin. “It would be too much hassle either way to track all these boats, especially when the solution is obvious: ban all recreational boating! If no one sails, no one will get trapped in ice.”
  4. “Avast! Ye government knaves have no right to dictate where me and me hearties travel!” shouts suspected pirate, Edward Teach, as he barges into your office and impales the remains of your globe with his cutlass. “The Gambler’s Revenge shall sail wherever she pleases! Ye landlubbing government scallywags must get rid of all restrictions on freedom of navigation in your territorial waters, or you’ll be walking the plank!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the stratosphere is full of "silent but deadly" attacks from Leader's rear echelons.

2022-05-11 09:30

The Wind Become Death

Recent studies of becquerel-burdened berries have found that radioactive fallout from nuclear weapons testing in Althaniq has been carried into Random Chaos by transoceanic jet streams.

  1. “Althaniq might be keen to join the big boys at the nuclear-capable club, but this sort of sloppiness makes it clear they’re not ready,” comments your Minister of International Patronisation. “Random Chaos is like an elder sibling to Althaniq — tell them that they don’t need a nuclear weapons program, because they’re already under our protection. In fact, tell them they have to cease all testing now and in perpetuity, if they want to stay on our good side, and pay reparations for the harm they’ve done. They gotta remember their place.”
  2. “No, can you not see? This is the danger of raw, unadulterated nuclear power!” cries nuclear disarmament activist Mamiko Vader as she manically waves around a Geiger counter that clicks worryingly as it sweeps past your groin area. “These weapons imperil our very means of life — the ramifications of radiation spare no one. Althaniq must cease their nuclear ambitions, and we should lead by example. Disarm now!”
  3. “How boring, like I haven’t heard that two hundred and thirty-five times already,” yawns nuclear scientist Severus Cole. “Look, Althaniq is only doing nuclear tests because they’re decades behind advanced nations like ours. We did all our testing decades ago, and there’s really no need for them to repeat all that messy business. Just share our technical knowledge with them, and we’ll be even closer allies than before.”
  4. “We should use these jet streams to our advantage,” whispers your Minister of Stealth Bombing as he materialises out of nowhere. “Our scientists have compiled a detailed map of jet stream systems — correctly employ these, and we can secretly detonate dirty bombs in the middle of nowhere, while still delivering cancer and illness into the heart of enemy nations.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Furniture Restoration Industry and the Top 10% for Largest Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military is recruiting war criminals to join its weapons research teams.

2022-05-11 03:30

Bigtopian Bigwigs Beset Border

Following a bitter civil-conflict in Bigtopia that led to the overthrow of a dictatorial regime, leading officials from the deposed government are seeking refuge in Random Chaos. The new Bigtopian government is accusing these people of war crimes, and has demanded their extradition.

  1. Your Minister for Foreign Affairs, Efthamia Hawkins, echoes the pleas of the international community, “These individuals are responsible for decades of oppression, the genocide of millions of Bigtopians, and horrific war crimes - their leader isn’t called ‘The Butcher of Bigtopia’ for his carving skills! We can’t just step aside and neglect our duties to their victims. These men must face justice in Bigtopia, whatever their fate.”
  2. “I vehemently disagree,” says defence lawyer Peter Osborne, running a comb through his hair and handing you his business card. “Now is not the time for hasty action. Bigtopia is not a stable state yet - send these people back and you’re throwing them to the mob. They’ve committed no crime in Random Chaos, and they’ve come here for our help. Show some decency, and let them stay!”
  3. “I have an idea,” interjects Wernher von Grun from the Department of Defence. “Amongst these refugees are several top Bigtopian scientists. They may have carried out some terrible experiments with WMDs, but can we really afford to lose their expertise? Make them join our team at the Hexagon, and we’ll develop weapons the envy of The Hatrackia. After all, once the missiles go up, who cares where they came from?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children listen incredulously when their grandparents explain what a "running river" is.

2022-05-10 21:30

Swept Away

Unusually heavy rainfall this week burst riverbanks and caused flash flooding in Random Chaos’s low-lying areas. This has sparked much debate on how the state should deal with flood damage.

  1. “We need help to recover from this horrible flood!” says Silvio Rubio, a resident of the flooded zone, trying to stop his hands from shaking. “I’ve lost everything: my house, cars, yacht. There was no time to recover anything before it was swept away. The government should compensate us for our losses. It wasn’t our idea to can the dam project, after all, and if I get no help I’ll be without a roof to live under.”
  2. “At the end of the day, they chose to live in a flood plain. Why should the government pay anything at all to these half-brained idiots?” rants Sydney Alvarez, a prominent campaigner for lower government spending. “If they want money when there’s a flood, they should get insurance and hang the expense. Make them bear the costs of their own lunacy. You don’t see ME whining about the whippersnappers that broke one of my windows last fall. Why? Because I paid for insurance!”
  3. “These floods should never have happened in the first place,” states Aphrodite Frederickson, a noted architect, with an excited glint in her eye. “They’ve caused widespread destruction and damage; the repairs will cost millions of chips, and this doesn’t count the millions more people are asking in compensation. What I propose is that the government invest heavily in massive flood defenses. Dams! Levees! Floodways! Dikes! Dams! Gates! Wall off the seas and lakes! Put flood gates on every river! No, dam them all up! Then build more dams! We’ll have no more floods in Random Chaos!”
  4. “You know what? Why don’t we use the cheap, easy solution to stop this problem?” says Gordon McFly, floating past on a makeshift raft. “Just stop people from building on flood plains. If you’re not in a floodable area, you can’t get flooded. Who’s going to complain? A bunch of real-estate developers? Please! Even the environmentalists will be happy, because the land will become some kind of nature reserve.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the recently liberated free press cautiously uses compliment sandwiches to cushion its criticisms of Leader.

2022-05-10 15:30

Bad Press

After a tip-off from a local informant, a SWAT team raided Gambler Hill Middle School. Their targets were the students publishing the school newspaper, with the schoolchildren taken into police custody for breaking the state’s official news monopoly.

  1. “What is wrong with a bunch of 11-year-olds publishing a newspaper about the events happening in their school?” exclaims furious mother Tamara Bakker, brandishing a rolled-up copy of the latest issue of Gambler Hill Weekly. “Without school newspapers, how are we supposed to find out when my little Andy’s next soccer match is going to take place or how Elsa’s mom is flirting with the math teacher to raise her child’s grades? People should be able to publish periodicals of non-political content without requiring government permission. Also, release our children immediately, or I’ll set the PTA on you!”
  2. “Whoa, are you out of your mind?” yells Justice Summers, your Minister of Truth, grabbing the newspaper from the angry parent’s hand and tossing it into the portable incinerator he drags around for this specific purpose. “How can we prevent the dissemination of fake news if we allow private media to exist? We should clamp down on all audacious attempts to mislead public opinion by contradicting state-approved news!”
  3. “Hail thee, our most wise and glorious Leader!” shouts out Olivia Capulet, a political commentator from the state-owned Random Chaos City Chronicles, who used to work for a dissident newspaper before it was shut down. “I would not doubt the wisdom of your decree, but why only periodicals of non-political content? Why should only people employed by the State be granted the privilege to sing your praises? How about all the aspiring journalists who are yearning to commend your most magnificent achievements? You should allow private media sources to publish political news as well, like the true leader you are.”
  4. “Well... we could just allow these kids to publish their newspaper but also ensure that they don’t get up to any mischief,” chimes in your Minister of Alternative Solutions, peeking and whispering through from the other side of your office door’s keyhole. “We could simply require that all media organs, including school newspapers, be supervised by a government-appointed agent. If we happen to detect a sign of dissent, our agents can nip it in the bud.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader has declared a weed sticking through a crack in the sidewalk to be the nation's newest green space.

2022-05-10 09:30

Why Didn’t the Gambler Cross the Road?

On a tight schedule, you’re walking from one meeting to another in a building a block away. Just as you reach the intersection you notice quite the commotion as an oncoming car slams into a red-faced gambler on the other side of the street.

  1. “What a coincidence, this is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about,” says ecology professor Erik Humperdink, while discreetly sliding an empty animal cage out of view. “Habitat fragmentation, the process of the built environment splitting large areas of habitat into smaller pieces, is a blight that is checkering Random Chaos. When roads are put through habitats, the native animal populations become disjointed and less resilient. You can lose the red-faced gambler in one of these fragments without noticing, but before long, it’s disappeared from 20 or 30 fragments, and become an endangered species. You need to establish wildlife corridors and animal crossings linking green spaces across Random Chaos.”
  2. As you rush to the other side of the road to make the meeting, Khethiwe Plath, host of Animal World, pops out of the bushes in the median. “Our cities have expanded too much. Our entire population could fit in an area half the size of Random Chaos City. If we decreased our urban footprint, the problem would solve itself without having to build a bunch of bridges! Now, I’m sure not everyone will enjoy giving up their suburban McMansions for more modest city apartments, but I think when they see those little red-faced gamblers thriving it will turn their frowns upside down.”
  3. “Both of those solutions seem a bit extreme,” yells real estate developer Phineas Weber from his SUV over the din of frustrated motorists now honking at you for blocking the road. “The red-faced gambler is doing fine, this whole thing is unnecessary environmental panic. Real estate in Random Chaos is at a premium already, let’s reduce barriers to development in existing parks and green spaces! Besides, I think the suburban environment is underappreciated habitat, lawns are green after all.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, army doctors who come under attack defend themselves by using stethoscopes like nunchaku.

2022-05-10 03:30

First, Do No Harm

A recent army operation to secure a contested landing zone for medical evacuation of injured infantrymen saw military doctors and nurses being ordered to open fire on enemy soldiers, in order to clear a path to the helicopters. This has triggered a debate on the ethics of firearm use for battlefield medical personnel.

  1. “Our corpsmen have sidearms because they are soldiers, and soldiers kill people!” bellows your Rear-Echelon Marshall Fokker, pointing his index finger at a nervous aide and making ‘pew-pew’ noises. “This is war! Do you expect our doctors and nurses to stand by when there’s fighting to be done? No! A medic is just a soldier with additional skills. They must use their sidearms to kill the enemy at every opportunity. Hell, let’s give them flamethrowers!”
  2. “I object, that goes against everything I believe in and everything I trained for,” argues military Staff Nurse Lieutenant Flora Slaava, dramatically standing on a chair. “Our job is to heal, not to kill! To sustain life for as long as humanly possible, not take it! In fact, we have an ethical duty to treat wounded enemy soldiers. Carrying a gun diminishes our status as non-combatants, and we should neither be expected or allowed to carry firearms.”
  3. “I think I disagree partially with my colleague here,” states army gastroenterology consultant Major Pyles. “Some situations do warrant the use of firearms. You have to protect your patient with your life, your patient whose life is in your hands. Should we let him be taken prisoner or let the enemy deal him a deathblow? Of course not! That would be doing him harm! That, in my opinion, goes against the very oath we swore to hold sacred. We do need sidearms, but to defend ourselves and our patients. However, we should never participate in offensive actions.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hostage-takers offer loyalty scheme points for prompt payment.

2022-05-09 21:30

Ransoms Noted

Five Random Chaosian journalists were captured and taken hostage by violent extremist rebels in unstable southern Maxtopia, and the captors are demanding a million chips per hostage for their safe return.

  1. “These brave souls need to be brought home safely!” wails Björn Räikkönen, father to one of the journalists. “We can’t afford that sort of money, but you, the government can! Show some heart, Leader, and don’t stand in the way of my son’s freedom.”
  2. “If they’re looking for money, they should know that we don’t have it to give to them,” argues former intelligence operative Neil Liamson. “But what we do have is a particular set of skills acquired over many years in government... I’m talking about reactionary counter-terrorist legislation! Let’s make paying ransoms a felony, and use the hostage situation to justify an increase in domestic surveillance and security. As for this situation, send in the special forces. We don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
  3. Wild-haired scientist Jared Wright barrels into your office, panting heavily. “Stop! We CAN have our cake and eat it too! We should make the drop, but insist on cash payment. Then, we contaminate the bank-notes with radioactive material, and watch as the hostage-takers, their associates and their families die from radiation poisoning. That basically solves the problem!”
  4. “You know, one of the hostages is the son of one of our closest media allies...” murmurs Monica Egan, one of your policy advisors. “Can’t we publicly take a firm stance against terrorism, but privately strike a hush-hush deal with the terrorists? We can trade arms to them on the quiet, and they can make sure that they don’t hurt anyone important.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, surrealist houses shaped like mushrooms and volcanoes dominate the wealthiest neighborhoods.

2022-05-09 15:30

Blot Out Bauhaus?

Following his purchase of a large plot of land in the middle of Random Chaos City, Samuel Dada, the heir to a fortune made on the back of the retail industry, has begun his conversion of the property into a vast and unusual mansion. Busybodies are in an uproar at the design, however, which they claim is everything from “out of social context” and “bizarre” to “just plain ugly”.

  1. “This monstrosity must be torn down immediately!” claims local harridan and book-club member, Dana Suparman. “The trees in the garden spell a frightening word from the balcony; and the tower looks like a - a - well, you know! Mr. Dada’s mansion may be his own, but the government must intervene in the name of taste and common decency. There should be a licensing organisation to approve all future renovations of buildings, lest we be plagued by these architectural abominations.”
  2. “Come on... it’s my house, fer chrissakes,” bemoans Mr. Dada, lounging on a sun-deck outside his home, elaborate cocktail and trophy-wife close by. “Surely I can do what I like to my own stuff? Like that time I painted my third car violet - that was cool, wasn’t it? Don’t you just hate it when someone bumbles over - I bet you know just what I mean - and starts tellin’ you what to do? Man, I hate that. So, look, right, let’s just go inside, have a drink, and forget this whole thing ever happened.”
  3. “Why is this even a national debate?” asks obviously strung-out and possibly hungover bureaucrat, Nate Capulet, mumbling, “It’s just a waste of time... Look. Whatever you do, you’re going to be unpopular. Why don’t you just dodge the bullet? Let local authorities decide - and even decide if it’s their job to decide. That way you don’t annoy anyone, and, hey, I’m sure there’s some bunch of local government advocates who’ll love you for it. Now. Can I go home? Please?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the automotive industry soaks up huge government handouts.

2022-05-09 09:30

Reclaim the Streets!

Several major city streets were clogged with bicycles this morning, as the environmental group ‘Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad’ staged a protest. Several hundred riders ambled through downtown streets, blissfully ignoring the torrent of abuse hurled at them by thousands of motorists running late for work.

  1. “People are sick of dirty, smelly automobiles,” says protest organizer Barbie Wynne. “They’re choking the city, the environment—our lives! Cars must be banned!”
  2. “The only thing people are sick of is long-haired idiots riding their bicycles at two miles an hour on major thoroughfares,” says committed motorist Frederic Elgar. “People shouldn’t be able to protest like this. The government needs to crack down on them.”
  3. The Automotive Manufacturers Association, meanwhile, has called for government support. “It’s clear that we need to boost the level of automobile support in this country. This protest this morning is a clear indication of... um... anyway, we need more government funds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the roads are notorious throughout the region for their peril.

2022-05-09 03:30

Need for Speed?

After watching the movie ‘The Fast and the Belligerent’, boy racers from all over Random Chaos have been petitioning for the abolition of speed limits.

  1. “Today’s cars are safer at high speeds than ever before,” argues Leonardo Hadfield, editor of Sports Car Monthly. “And long-distance commuters are tired of spending hours on the road just to get to the next city. Abolishing the speed limit would be great for the economy too! People would be more likely to go out and buy cars if they thought they’d be able to use them properly. It seems like such a shame to be puttering along at the speed limit in a magnificent car like the 450HP twin-turbo Gambler SX/T-7700 you know.”
  2. “Are you crazy?” cries Rosalina Nguyen, a road-accident victim. “We need lower speed limits on automobiles, not higher. You might as well enforce mandatory blindfolds on the road too, it’ll come to the same conclusion! People’s lives are at stake here! If people were made to drive at, say, no faster than fifty kilometres per hour, I would feel a lot happier walking the streets. Besides, if it takes a long time to get places via car then people might begin using mass transit for once.”
  3. “I think the current speed limits are fine, but we need better enforcement,” says Agnieszka Trevelyan, the most feared traffic warden in Random Chaos. “If we required GPS tracking devices in all vehicles, we’d ticket every single speeder, no problem. In addition, we could monitor the movements of criminals and other suspicious individuals, and vastly reduce the risk of crime, terrorism, and other subversive activity. Some say that’s an invasion of privacy, but if you’ve done nothing wrong what’s there to fear?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government's official position on invasive species is 'who cares?'.

2022-05-08 21:30

Alien Invaders

A spectre is haunting Random Chaos — the spectre of the Woodeating Spikeball. With scenic parks ravaged by this invasive species, citizens are clamoring at your door to advise you.

  1. “The ecosystem is in great peril,” claims Thaddeus Mombota, an importer of exotic pets. “These Woodeating Spikeballs have no natural predators here. But there is a solution: back in their native Maxtopia, these pests are kept in check by the sabre-toothed gambler. We have to introduce these animals into our forests before it’s too late. And you know, since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll cut you a deal on the gamblers.”
  2. “You can’t stop one invasive species by introducing another,” scoffs avid hunter Zelda Summers while skinning several rabbits on your desk. “Just give out hunting permits for these Spikeballs, and we’ll have the population under control in no time. You know what, might as well extend hunting and fishing seasons for other animals too. I’ve been itching to bag myself a Giant Lilliputian Rabbit.”
  3. “We shouldn’t be left at the mercy of our citizens,” counsels gendarme Bill Capulet while barely suppressing his hatred for animals. “If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. Let’s send out our boys in blue to go hunt down these vermin.” Frothing rabidly, he finishes, “That way we can be sure every last one of those mangy, stinking, filth-ridden pests is dead!”
  4. “So what if these Spikeballs are eating all the trees?” says thoroughly apathetic citizen Jake Holst. “Nature got along fine for millions of years before we came into the picture. Just let survival of the fittest run its course. Sure, we might lose a few species or ecosystems along the way, but at least we’ll save some money. Forests are really boring, anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tourists are duped into trimming hedges for the horsy-set.

2022-05-08 15:30

Fun in the Sun

Neighbouring Bigtopia has gone on a tourism promotion overdrive, with spectacular advertising that is bound to attract visitors in their droves. Worried by the likely fall in foreign arrivals, your Tourism Minister has suggested an area of Random Chaos be marked for development. However, what area should be selected and what type of activities should be promoted?

  1. “Oi guv’nor, what them tourists want is to feast their peepers on real life, with real people,” suggests ‘Acksaw ‘Arry, a colourful gent, who has an equally colourful association with the law. “Spend a few bob building up the working-class areas of Random Chaos City. We’ll take them tourists round our gaffs, get their laughing gear round a few Dame Ednas, and have a knees-up round the ol’ Joanna.” One of your aides, who is from that area of Random Chaos City, translates: “He said that the tourists should experience traditional home hospitality, with beverages and a sing-a-long.”
  2. “One proposes that you send those tourists to one’s stately home,” opines Rubert Holdsworth-Wellington, an eminent member of Random Chaos City’s old money. “There’s acres of room, literally. There will be fine dining available throughout their stay and for entertainment they may savour some outdoor pursuits. For example: one’s two-acre maze, horse-riding and of course, learning the skill of hedge artistry. Just pay one a stipend for allowing those riff-raff into one’s home.”
  3. “Yodel-lay-ee-dee,” exclaims Frau Helga Krapps, who is trying to set a new fashion statement with her pinny. “Ze tourists vould be much better coming to my ski resort in der Alpen region of Random Chaos. They can stay in mein beautiful chalets overlooking ze pistes. Ve have skiing, snowboarding und sledging for ze little munchkins. I just vant ze government to let us put artificial snow on the slopes for drier seasons. Danke!”
  4. “Hey man, we should, like, promote sustainable ecotourism,” insists Dylan, a tatty looking fellow who you swear just had a small creature rummaging around in his beard. “Our countryside is pretty cool, Leader. The government should make laws to protect our forests and rivers; then those tourist dudes will come in swarms to marvel at Mother Nature’s creations, man!”
  5. “Get off my property!” yells Pericles Goldsmith, who is rumoured to be the grumpiest man in all of Random Chaos. “I don’t want no tourists coming over here and having fun, especially near me. Hey, you tourists! No fun, do you hear? Folks used to be able to have fun ‘round here, then some tourists came along and started having some fun - ruined it for everyone. Tell them tourists they’re not welcome here!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the tools of the trade for landmine clearance appear to be copious amounts of gasoline and a box of matches.

2022-05-08 09:30

A Blast From the Past

A teacher and four schoolchildren were killed on a field trip in a remote region of Random Chaos after an old anti-personnel mine was accidentally detonated. The landmines - relics of the nation’s previous wars - have taken the lives of many over the years.

  1. “You can see how important demining is, no?” asks Anna Silva, the CEO of Remove Landmine, an obscure private enterprise based in Bigtopia. “We clear Random Chaos of landmines for small price. No need to worry that forests obstruct progress; we remove them too, in big proud explosions. Bigtopian strength!”
  2. “Not the Bigtopians!” screeches Enrique Berenstain, fierce patriot and even fiercer guerilla fighter, jumping out of a filing cabinet and tackling the Bigtopian businessperson to the ground. “When the Bigtopian warmongers attacked, we were forced to deploy landmines. Now they have the cheek to try and profiteer from our misery! We should seize all Bigtopian assets and use them to set up a demining fund instead!”
  3. “I’ve got an idea!” suggests Kendall Guilliman, Minister of Education and part-time comedian, trying to stifle her laughter. “Why don’t we teach students proper demining techniques? I’m sure that it’s going to be useful in their everyday lives... somehow. Anyway, it should prevent such an incident from ever occurring again.”
  4. “Actually, we don’t need any of that,” explains Percy Nakatomi, an Army Logistics Supervisor, examining a map of Random Chaos. “Since we were the ones who planted the mines, we could dig up some old documents on how to retrieve them. While it may be more costly than just purposefully detonating all of them, we should be able to reuse any functional ones that we come across. Although some of them might not work as well as newly-made weapons, this would provide a well-needed boost to our military stockpile.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, homeowners on prime real estate have been seen dodging giant bulldozers with cartoon characters painted on them.

2022-05-08 03:30

We Are Not Amused

Entertainment tycoon and billionaire Walter Eisner has proposed Eisnerland, a massive theme park that he wants to build in an economically impoverished area of northwestern Random Chaos. Due to the significant expense of this project, Mr. Eisner is asking for state funds to help finance it.

  1. “Eisner Enterprises has provided a great source of joy and family entertainment ever since our first animated motion picture, Robbie the Rambunctious Gambler, delighted our audiences,” says Mr. Eisner as he skips around your desk in a business suit and ‘Robbie Ears.’ “My wonderland of whimsy will increase economic growth in Random Chaos, and has a chance to become the number one tourist destination in all of The Hatrackia! Of course, we will have to move a few thousand residents out of the way, but we’ll be providing much-needed employment for the area. Now would you like to see my plans for the Experimental Prototype Community Recreation Area Project?”
  2. “This is an insane proposition,” declares Harry Guilliman, bursting in with a homemade picket sign that depicts Robbie sitting on a throne of cash. “These corporate monsters are trying to evict us from our homes in order to build this megalopolis of rickety rides and greasy, overpriced corn dogs. For the well-being of our families and communities, and the reputation of our nation, please refuse to provide funds for Eisnerland and ban all new corporate projects in residential areas.”
  3. “No one thinks about the alternative possibilities for these dilemmas,” remarks Marina Navarrete, your Secretary of Compromises and Other Weird Solutions, who appears to be wearing a different-colored sock on each foot. “You see, the obvious answer is to move the entire project out to the desert. There are no residential areas or regulations to worry about! Sure, many people would be exhausted moving around in the scorching heat, and there aren’t any nearby restaurants, hospitals, or hotels, but perhaps the government could help pay for some of those as well.”
  4. “You can’t put a big amusement park there!” shouts artist Harry Jarvey, who is infamous for burning all of his sculptures within a week of their completion. “That desert is the site of our annual arts and radical inclusivity festival. The whole thing is based on freedom of expression and participation, not the sale of pre-packaged commercialism. To turn our cherished playa into a morass of corporate commodification would be an outrage! I insist that you prevent this Eisner fellow from leaving any trace of his vanity project in our desert - or anywhere else - and maybe have the government subsidize our event, for good measure. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to write a few more rules for next year’s festival.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, eight-year-olds can be seen lighting up in public areas.

2022-05-07 21:30

Don’t Puff on Me, Say Non-Smokers

There is a growing call within Random Chaos to abolish smoking in public areas.

  1. “I’m in full support of this motion,” says man on the street Billy-Bob Jele. “I’m sick of being stuck behind smokers, sucking in their pollution! They can light up in the privacy of their own homes, if they want.”
  2. “What’s so special about their homes?” says anti-smoking campaigner Jamil Quagmire. “The government has a responsibility to stop people from hurting themselves — it’s the same reason we should make them wear seat belts in cars. Sooner or later, they end up in one of Random Chaos’s hospitals, sucking on taxpayer-funded healthcare. Not that that’s why we should ban smoking. We should ban it because we care.”
  3. “Get your hands off my fag!” wheezes long-time smoker Molly Wolfe. “I’ve been smoking for fifty years and it’s never done me any harm. Helps me concentrate, it does! The government should back off on trying to tell me what I can put into my own body. Telling a smoker he can’t light up in a restaurant is discrimination, pure and simple. If you want to put a stop to unfairness, stop that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the backs of 'No Trespassing' signs were made for you and me.

2022-05-07 15:30

Acres Wild

Upon the planned completion of their vacation estate in northern Random Chaos, a Random Chaosian billionaire has additionally, and unexpectedly, purchased the vast bulk of a large forest adjacent to their property for the sole purpose of stocking and hunting gamblers.

  1. “Nobody should have a right to that much land!” shouts Roman Johannsen, the mayor of Gambler Grove. “That forest has sustained this town for years! Tradespeople responsibly take lumber, families near and far hike the trails, and there’s a thriving birdwatching industry. All these people depend on the land and this charlatan just suddenly squats on it! What a waste. Not only should this particular forest be returned to us, Random Chaos needs to conduct a thorough review of these land holdings and reverse this practice of theft once and for all.”
  2. “What poppycock! I have grand plans for this forest!” exclaims the shocked billionaire who can be seen wearing a wide-brimmed sunhat. “I’m planning on fashioning my own private hunting forest. There are some remarkably rare animals here that would look simply lovely on my wall. That said, while I may be inclined to hunt, our country’s finer citizens might wish to augment their holdings instead. Only the wealthiest have the presence of mind to academically appreciate the gifts of Mother Nature. If you encourage them to commit to further woodland area purchases, Random Chaos will surely see a diversity of forest management techniques.”
  3. “What incredible selfishness!” protests Al Quimby, a conservationist. “Who do these people think they are? It’s neither the town nor the rich snob’s forest! Nobody should own it! Both groups have visions of exploitation borne out of their own self-centeredness. The government must protect all public land from these hearts of greed and from those monsters who would use that land to hunt innocent animals for sport.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, weathermen are being arrested for attempting to read the future.

2022-05-07 09:30

Prophet Margins

A recent national survey found that 40% of Random Chaosians regularly consult fortune tellers.

  1. “These ‘fortune tellers’ are nothing more than scam artists!” cries Michelangelo Hart from his soapbox. “This is clear-cut fraud and should be punished as such. They can’t see into the future! No one can! We need to arrest these crystal-ball reading hacks for the good of Random Chaos!”
  2. “Banning these fortune tellers only treats the symptom, not the disease, ” states your Minister of Education, Efthamia Oliver. “If our people are dumb enough to believe this hokum, then we’ve got a serious education problem. Clearly we need to increase our school budget and start an outreach program to stamp this problem out at the source. It’ll require more taxes, but the people need our help.”
  3. “I foresee a great eeeeeeeee-vil if you listen to these advisors,” moans Mystic Meg, a prominent fortune teller clad in bangles. “You are in great danger, Leader. GRAVE DANGER! You must ignore these naysayers, for they will certainly lead to your downfall! Obviously the government needs its own oracles to foresee catastrophe and guide us through troubled times.”
  4. “Consider the opportunity this presents, Leader,” says your chief counselor as he steps from behind the arras. “Almost half of the population believes this hoopla. We must encourage this new faith as much as possible. With a handpicked staff of prophets to forecast what we want and spies monitoring every freethinking opposition group, society will be yours for the taking.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the phrase "you might think that but I couldn't possibly comment" is the closest you'll get to a straight answer from Random Chaosian politicians.

2022-05-07 03:30

The Lowest Form of Wit

Chiri MacIntyre, your Minister of Health, became a target of criticism when he responded to a political opponent’s colorful insults by saying “Maybe you should consider rinsing your dirty mouth with bleach. It might even help you get rid of that bad breath.” Unfortunately, some citizens took this as actual advice that this would work as a treatment for their own stinky exhalations, and have been hospitalized with painful injuries.

  1. “Look, it is not my problem that some people in this country aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer,” sneers MacIntyre, throwing his arms up in exasperation. “Sarcasm, people! It shouldn’t be so hard to understand. Even my 5-year-old niece got the joke. I guess the proles must be so adept at comprehending rhetorical devices because of our robustly funded education system, and you DON’T need to spend more on that. That was me being sarcastic again, in case you missed it. Yeesh.”
  2. “Nonsense, people holding public office need to have full accountability for their statements,” says Holly Simpson, popping a handful of breath mints. “If the Health Minister himself comes up and says ‘use bleach for bad breath’, who am I to doubt his authority? I mean, can you imagine if a world leader was to suggest injecting bleach? Not that anyone but a blithering baby-brained wibbling idiot would ever suggest such a thing, but still, can you imagine the potential harm? We need to ban sarcasm and all forms of linguistic ambiguity from political discourse and censure this minister for jeopardizing our lives!”
  3. “Banning sarcasm? No way! This actually gives me a great idea!” exclaims Max Berenstein, your Minister of Alternative Solutions, rubbing his hands excitedly. “If anything, we should encourage our party members to employ as much equivocation in their speeches as possible, so they have plausible deniability if a statement of theirs falls flat. Did you make an unfortunate remark about Bigtopians? Just say it was sarcasm, problem solved!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, in life full of care there is no time to stop and stare.

2022-05-06 21:30

Bullet Time

Regular traffic congestion within Random Chaos’s interstate highways has resulted in a flurry of petitions being sent to you demanding the development of a Maglev bullet train connecting the nation’s major cities. Apparently there was going to be a demonstration outside your front door as well, but the protesters got stuck in traffic.

  1. Moments before you are about to go home after a long day at work, an intruder intercepts you at your front door. His face is a deeper shade of red than the sunset outside your window. He yells at you: “Eight hours! Do you have any idea how it feels to sit in traffic for eight hours? Be quiet! How can I do good work when the commute takes the whole day? Listen, most other developed nations already have high-speed, high-efficiency railway systems, and not having one is not doing us any favors, economically or for our mental health. We Need Bullet Trains! Give us Bullet Trains!”
  2. “That angry fellow is correct, you know...” says Finlay Fitzgerald, an agreeable businesswoman who gently guides the furious commuter to the back door, “but who is to say the burden of the cost should be on the government’s back? Me and my colleagues in Budget Rail Incorporated can get Random Chaos high speed connections with no cost to your taxpayers. We’ve got suppliers of nearly-new metal, fairly decent quality second-hand trains, engines that almost passed emission standards. We’ve even identified which arable land owners you’ll need to force to sell to us to make this service fast and profitable. Just sign, quickly, here, here, here, and umm... initials here...”
  3. “You can’t do it!” groans Tadek McAlpin, ecologically minded pop-musician with the recent #1 hit I Hugged A Tree and I Liked It. “Mother Nature gives us love, and look at how we treat Her. We’re binding her flesh with steel rails. I mean, forests, the trees, all that... they give us oxygen and stuff. Dodge the bullet, save the world!”
  4. “Slow down, now. Slow down, all...” says Bartholomeus Snow, a villager visiting the big city for the first time. “More railways is a fine thing for all, but why have fancy high speed trains that zoom past all the interesting places on the way? I think you should be building a LOW speed rail, that stops at all the picturesque hamlets and towns, and brings visitors to them. Stop by Little Droppings - that’s my own town, by the way - and I’ll brew you a nice cup of tea.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, inheritance tax has recently been abolished.

2022-05-06 15:30

Where There’s a Will There’s a Tax

After the vast fortunes of a recently deceased oil tycoon in Random Chaos were left to a small cactus plant, citizens nationwide have been asking the same question: should the inheritance tax laws be changed?

  1. “Every time I see a stupid rich kid having an easy ride of life with money they did nothing to deserve, I go into a jealous rage and start punching walls,” says economically disadvantaged individual Katniss Little. “Abolish inheritance entirely! If the government takes the inheritance then we can spend all that cash on things that make ordinary people’s lives better, like education, social welfare, and attack helicopters.”
  2. “This is a disgusting breach of my human rights,” says Panu Scully, heir to an international widget empire. “Just think of all the poor families who have spent their lives scrimping and saving with the dream of passing on a modest luxury yacht to ensure the security of their children’s children. All that sacrifice, all that toil, all those long nights working their fingers to the bone setting up offshore accounts - it brings a tear to my eye. Inheritance tax has got to go!”
  3. “Surely we can arrange some sort of compromise here,” says comfortable knitwear fan Venus Barber. “Yes, it’s true that some people exploit the system - but a lot of people rely on inheritance for their basic support! Why don’t we just set a sensible ceiling on how much you can inherit? That way you get to keep the family farm, but not the five mansions and the oil refinery.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government officials who do an offal job get smoked.

2022-05-06 09:30

Meat Meet

Random Chaosian moralists are outraged, as usual. This time, they’re roasting your ambassador to the United Federation, Hayley Smith, who was revealed to have eaten fried chicken at a meeting with their Secretary of State.

  1. “I’m not going to mince my words,” says ethicist Manuel Bond, waving celery sticks in your face. “That jerk gamed the system to put the Secretary’s meat in her mouth. An ambassador who approves of the slaughter of innocents in the United Federation cannot be tolerated. It’s time to trim the fat and give Ambassador Smith the chop.”
  2. “Can we get to the heart of the tissue - er, issue?” asks Hayley Smith, while grilling Federation Freddie’s Definitely Veggie Not Smuggled Real Beef Burgers. “Meat is an important component of the United Federation’s culture, and it would be disrespectful to refuse their national dishes. I support the ban on meat eating in Random Chaos, but on some rare occasions, ambassadors need to accommodate their hosts for a job well done. We should be allowed to do whatever it takes to keep foreign relationships from spoiling.”
  3. “Sure, that saves the ambassador’s bacon,” snorts Sarah Han, porky four-time winner of the Random Chaos City Vegetarian Hot Dog Eating Contest. “But what about us? If ambassadors are going to get their hands on meat anyway, everyone else should be able to without the law crying ‘fowl’. We can flesh out an agreement to keep some unethical practices off the table, but it is time the government stopped dictating what we can eat.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Furniture Restoration Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, high food prices have reduced the national diet to staple foods and water.

2022-05-06 03:30

From Green Pastures to Grey Wastelands

In the quest for high yields and low prices, Random Chaos’s thriving agricultural industry has all but destroyed the fertility of the soils it ploughs, turning arable farmlands into barren deserts. Food prices have risen dramatically and the general population are calling foul. A coalition of concerned citizens, farmers, and major unions have called for the government to act quickly and decisively.

  1. “These people make me want to scream,” says Erik Iglesias, a distinguished eremologist. “For so long, the supermarkets have indoctrinated the belief that we deserved those low prices, as if it was a birthright. But it’s not. We’ve plundered nature for too long and now we’re suffering the consequences. The government needs to lay down some strict laws over how we farm so we can do it in a sustainable way. By the time the industry has destroyed our farmlands, those corporations will have moved on elsewhere and we’ll be left starving in the streets.”
  2. “Yeah, right. And while the government is destroying half of the agricultural market, the customers- ah- the people will be paying through the nose for loaves of bread,” counters Khethiwe Pong, CEO of Corporal Foods Corporation, a multinational farming conglomerate. “Do you honestly think the people will accept such an outrageous solution? Not having to worry about where your next meal’s coming from is what makes this such a great country! Forget this environmental nonsense and give us the money as subsidies - then we can buy more land and drive prices down again.”
  3. “We’re all to blame for this mess, ayup,” says Mr Rubeus Gubbins, an independent farmer who only sells locally. “But I don’t see why we should do anything to help the biggest contributors to this disaster, and that’s them blasted corporations with their market projections and their shareholders. Parasites the lot of ‘em! They should all be kicked out of Random Chaos and be forced to give the farmlands back to folk like m’self who’ll grow enough to feed locally but not so much that I might as well be sowing salt in the ground.”
  4. “How are you still afloat?” asks Phineas Whedon, another farmer. “Don’t listen to him. He’s from a time when economies only existed as far as you could walk or steer a horse carriage for a day. It’s a global economy we have now, and sub-standard produce for high prices is not, and should not, be the norm. Helping the environment with regulation will kill the industry stone dead and still leave us with high prices. The government should be promoting and funding scientific research into making the status quo sustainable - not punishing hard-working citizens for wanting to eat more than potatoes and rice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Great Pyramid of Random Chaos City can be seen from miles away.

2022-05-05 21:30

No Small Wonder

With economic growth skyrocketing and Random Chaos’s prosperity rising, prominent business leaders have come to you with proposals to construct a national wonder as a symbol of these successes.

  1. “To mark this golden age,” declares Leo Tallstoy, CEO of Sky High Company, sitting upright with high hopes, “I suggest we build the tallest building in The Hatrackia! Not only can we finally snatch that tallest building record from the United Federation, but it will break whatever doubts our citizens have about Random Chaos’s future! It will boost the economy and will be a good source of morale and patriotism. When aiming high, nothing’s worth the sky!”
  2. “Why not aim just slightly higher?” asks Anais Skywalker, CEO of Colossal Works Industries, while putting an arm around your shoulder and pointing to a hole in your ceiling you hadn’t noticed previously. “Instead of the conventional skyscraper, we could build a space elevator? We have enough money, resources, and initiative to make sure our Free Land is the first to develop one! We’ll need to overcome some tricky technical challenges, but such is the burden of the true pioneer! It’ll benefit us in space exploration, and that will serve to strengthen the legacy of our golden age!”
  3. “Have you ever heard of the saying ‘too tall to fall?’” inquires Hugh Mongo, another CEO of a large construction company, who barely fits through your doorway. “Or was it ‘too big to fail?’ Anyway, I think that the answer to mark Random Chaos’s successes is not with something tall, but great. And by great, I mean wide, like a ziggurat or a pyramid. It’s waaay safer than some thousand-story death trap, but it will last for thousands of years without any expensive maintenance. How’s that for a fair bargain?”
  4. “Psh,” scoffs Julia Morricone, one of your more casual advisers, as she rolls her eyes. “It’s true that Random Chaos has reached its zenith, but there is such a thing as modesty. In fact, we could very well do with regulations on the tall and big buildings we already have instead. They are symbols of arrogance, acrophobia... and suggestive imagery. Have you ever seen what the Random Chaos City Building resembles from a certain angle?”
  5. “What’s with Random Chaos’s obsession with making things all big and futuristic? Compensating for something?” mocks Cassandra Taffs, a gaudy Marche Noirian artist-architect. “In Marche Noire we pride ourselves on our spectacular construction projects, some of which are still standing after a thousand years. Our buildings have an ageless and classical beauty to them as opposed to your modern monstrosities. Take a look at our majestic Maxmillia Familia. Granted it’s been under construction for a hundred years, but it’s a far sight prettier than anything proposed here. Take a lesson from the pros, people.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, conspiracy nuts claim that the government is trying to bring about an end to civilisation.

2022-05-05 15:30

Light at the End of the Tunnel

A 33-year-old woman, who has chosen to remain anonymous, has been refused state-sanctioned euthanasia by her doctors because of her diagnosis of severe depression. She’s pointing out that this depression is exactly why she wants to die, and is asking that the right to merciful death be extended to allow her medically-assisted suicide.

  1. The patient in question, avoiding eye contact and speaking flatly, makes her case: “I’ve felt like this since I was a child, I’ve been through every medication, seen a hundred counsellors, even had ECT blasting my brain. They’ve all done nothing, nothing at all. I’ll take my own life if I have to, but wouldn’t it be better if I could end my life painlessly and comfortably?”
  2. “You see where this slippery slope has brought us to?” asks Tybalt Mulder, of lobby group 1stDoNoHarm. “You tell people it’s okay to kill themselves, and that’s what they’ll do. You tell doctors it’s okay to let people die, and that’s what they’ll do. What’s next? Murdering the learning-disabled or those with the wrong skin colour? Change the government’s message, Leader. Choose life.”
  3. “I sympathise with this patient’s situation,” says neuropsychologist Bruno Tano, showing no outward signs of being sympathetic at all, “but allowing suicide and banning euthanasia are both choices that are just running away from the bigger problem: chronic, intractable depression. We need a review of root causes, more mental health funding and a drive towards exploring experimental new treatments, like neuroaffective immunotherapy. Spend more on mental health and social services; cut other departments or raise taxes if you have to: this is a national crisis.”
  4. “Well, life is pretty damn pointless,” says Nia Liszt, leader of a new movement calling themselves the Self-Destructivists, “so why don’t we just end people’s misery once and for all? We humans have had a terrible impact on the planet and suffering is inherent to life. You should donate some public money to my crowdfunded “kill-starter”: I’m looking to engineer the perfect virus that will wipe out all human life forever. There’s a little fine tuning to be done, but in the meantime, you can buy access to my existing research, which will probably help you develop some biological WMDs, or whatever else you like to occupy yourself with. I mean, who cares? It’s all ridiculous, anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are regularly arrested in queues for 'loitering'.

2022-05-05 09:30

Police Too Pushy?

A group of ‘concerned compatriots’ (Citizens Raging Against the Police) have protested against the enormous numbers of police officers enforcing the law on their daily lives.

  1. “I’m constantly surrounded by over-zealous policemen!” deplores Homer Laine, a spokesperson for the group. “Just last week I was arrested for letting my baby cry too loudly in public! This is ridiculous! The government needs to cut back the police force and let citizens get on with their lives without interference! If that means allowing muggers, thieves, burglars, pickpockets, murderers and all the rest to not have coppers breathing down the back of their necks constantly then so be it! This really is too much!”
  2. “You can’t listen to what they’re saying!” gasps Police Chief May Rudd, horrified. “These nuts would have us living in utter anarchy! If some robbers suddenly decide to break into a shop and steal everything, what’s the owner going to do? What could anyone do without a well-funded police force? There has to be justice and law or we’d be nothing better than a bunch of savages. Stick to your guns, I say, and let me arrest these subversives - people need to be taught to show some respect!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Economic Output.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, devotion to God is only skin-deep.

2022-05-05 04:30

No Need to Beat Yourself Up About It

Now is the Holy Week of the religion of the Tranquility of Yellow. Seven days of divine celebration climax on the last day, when young men and boys self-flagellate in the streets in order to prove their devotion to their god. This display is always a bloody spectacle, and sometimes participants end up in hospital.

  1. “This is a horrid exhibition,” declares Iris Stuckmann, a young mother who had to dodge the self-flagellants as she brought her kids home from school. “How can this primitive horror show be permitted in our civilized society? At the end of the day, there’s so much blood in the street that it looks like a battlefield. Ban this frightful demonstration and force those Yellowite weirdos to pray nicely!”
  2. “Yes, blood in the street never looks good,” concurs Aphrodite Calder, your Chief of Police. “Foreign news agencies that aren’t friendly towards us always claim that the blood comes from Random Chaosian police brutality. Be that as it may, we can’t give them fuel to add to their fire. Tell these Yellowites that if they must flog themselves, do it inside their own homes — not on the streets!”
  3. “If eternal damnation is what you seek, Leader, then go ahead and ban it,” smugly declares Sebastian Siena, a Yellowite priest, as his nurse tends to his many wounds. “The week of Holy Yellow has been observed for a thousand years, and the act of scourging ourselves en masse is the pinnacle of the week! We must be allowed to follow our religious ideals without hindrance: the commandments say that we need to be punished. In fact, it wouldn’t hurt if the government be more supportive of us flagellants: start portraying Holy Yellow in a more positive way, and let’s see some advertisements about the benefits of self-flagellation. Yes... just like that!” The priest screams in ecstasy as his nurse tends to a particularly deep wound.
  4. “That’s not a bad idea,” muses Erik Hicks, the principal of your niece’s school, who came to your office to discuss the best way to discipline your wayward niece. “Because we don’t allow the use of corporal punishment on children, our kids are out of control! Since teachers aren’t allowed to physically caution the children, we should make a law that forces kids to punish themselves: ‘Timmy, you didn’t do your homework — whip yourself for ten minutes’. It’s perfect!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's a lot of smoke from the nation's "green economy".

2022-05-04 21:30

Where There Isn’t Smoke

Since the smoking ban, tragedy has struck Random Chaos as the most hip bars lack a certain je ne sais quoi, formerly smoke-filled back rooms are disturbingly transparent, and withdrawing smokers are beset with torpor. Oh, who are you kidding: powerful tobacco interests, wheelbarrows full of money in tow, have come to your office begging for the law to change.

  1. “Think of the economic impact of the ban,” begs former Nicotine ‘R Us CEO Solya Kimmel. “Tobacco farmers letting their fields go fallow, convenience store workers closing shop after losing their most lucrative products, advertisement agencies forced to switch to making Saturday morning kids cartoons, and yes, the employees of the tobacco companies sent to the poor house. Why, it’s tragic!” He carefully wipes away a single tear with a check for a million chips, and discretely stuffs it into one of your pockets. “The economic stimulus and additional tax revenue of a complete lifting of tobacco restrictions should overcome any paltry health objections.”
  2. “Dude, this tax revenue talk has me thinking,” murmurs scruffy looking economics professor Ashwin Robinson, who smells distinctly skunky to you. “On the one hand, legalizing tobacco and taxing it to the gills will bring in more revenue. On the other hand, legalizing all drugs and taxing them all to the gills will bring in even more revenue, which will then let you lower income taxes. It’ll be a total economic multiplier effect... or something. Hey, did you know the word ‘hand’ is just the word ‘and’ with an ‘h’ at the beginning? Freaky.”
  3. “Is Random Chaosian health really for sale?” asks your personal doctor, stethoscope pressed to your chest. “Are kids growing up with parents who are bed ridden due to emphysema worth a few more chips in the coffers of Random Chaos? How about hospital beds full of lung cancer victims? If anything, you should further discourage any renegade smoke-fiends by raising the penalties for getting caught holding or dealing tobacco.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, weighted heels are added to military boots to ensure diminutive celebrities meet minimum requirements.

2022-05-04 15:30

Sergeant McCool Reporting for Duty

Gossip magazines have exploded into a frenzy after news broke that famous teen idol Draco “Squeaky” McCool is being conscripted into Random Chaos’s military.

  1. “I heartily welcome this man to the force,” dead-eyed military recruiter Pasang Beethoven utters in flat monotone. “Sergeant McCool failed to pass his initial examination, and he exited through the wrong door. But these are minor obstacles every soldier can learn to overcome. He will enter training immediately, and I am sure he will be proud to serve in the front lines with the other grunt... fine Random Chaosian men and women.”
  2. “NO! He’s going to DIE!” screams Vera Grieg, a 45-year-old who gives her current profession as ‘Squeaky’s Number One Fan’. “Leader, you can’t let Squeaky get killed. Can’t you just, well, refuse him? We Squeakers need him so much. He supports all kind of charities: Dinner-Dance for the Destitute, Masquerade for the Pox-Marked... Say, if he paid you some of his millions, couldn’t that be seen as a surrogate to actual service?”
  3. “This the pretty boy that’s due in?” rasps Chastity Mumford from the shadows, riffling through gossip magazines and military files. “He should already be physically fit at his age. In neighbouring countries, kids of seventeen, fourteen, six, can already disassemble and reassemble a rifle, crawl along the ground on their knees and elbows and take out a sniper... normal stuff.” She pauses to show you a video of unknown origin, which appears to depict youngsters playing cops-and-robbers. “Our imitation of conscription has failed to instil healthy Random Chaosian values into our people. We must widen the net and make the training harsher.”
  4. “When an engineer joins, we put them to work fixing stuff,” explains Army logistician, Henry Tate, moving a battalion of toy soldiers from one side of your desk to another. “Why not use this pop singer’s talents? We’d welcome him into the Army, but never put him on the front line. Instead, he’d fly from base to base singing to adoring uniformed fans, pose for recruitment posters, and go on TV to praise the glory of our great nation. He will serve beautifully.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, drills and shovels have been banned as the government cracks down on any means of fracking.

2022-05-04 09:30

A Big Fracking Problem

Natural gas extraction has been thrust into the political spotlight after the energy industry proposed utilizing hydraulic fracturing to boost the production of shale gas. After weeks of protests, a crowd of lobbyists and environmental protesters have barged into your office and demand that you finally make a decision.

  1. “Any opposition to hydraulic fracturing has been born out of ignorance,” claims Shale The Love lobbyist Mordecai Longbottom after tossing some impressive looking pie charts on your desk. “If we further hydraulic fracturing, we can finally safeguard our energy independence. Do you really want to risk paying dictatorships like Maxtopia for their expensive oil? Just think of the advantage producing our own natural gas will give us. Look at the charts that clearly show how many jobs this will create in rural areas. We should be encouraging fracking operations and cracking down on these environmental terrorists who would be happy to send us back to the Stone Age.”
  2. “I don’t think you understand the magnitude of these environmental issues,” says Stefanie Sharp, the organizer of the anti-fracking protest movement No Fracking Way. “Fracking can pollute the air and contaminate groundwater with toxic chemicals, which will end up in millions of people’s drinking water. Weren’t you guys paying attention when fracking operations caused all those earthquakes in Blackacre? Never mind that they’re on a fault line! We must put an end to fracking and start investing into green energy sources like wind, solar, and tidal power. We’ll never run out of those clean energy sources, but we will run out of clean air to breathe.”
  3. “There’s always room for compromise,” chimes in Barbie Beachcroft, one of your top aides famous for diffusing tension in your office. “We obviously can’t ignore the benefits of fracking, but we can’t turn a blind eye to the impact it would have on the environment either. Why not allow fracking, but only in areas of Random Chaos where there are no major populated areas? I hear that the land in the Northern Gambler Mountain Range is just ripe for hydraulic fracturing. There is a gambler preservation area nearby, but it’s not like they’re going to be protesting.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is known abroad for fast food and nothing else.

2022-05-04 03:30

Little Pizza History

Prominent restaurant chain Pop’s Eatery recently announced plans to tear down the historic Cash Mansion in Random Chaos City and replace it with a fast food restaurant. Disgusted by the impending destruction of a national landmark, two dozen history students have surrounded the site, delaying the building’s demolition and causing just enough ruckus to get your attention.

  1. “We cannot accept this blatant destruction of our culture!” cries a surprisingly agile social studies teacher, leaping into your office window after scaling the side of the capitol building. “It’s common knowledge that Douglas Cash was the leader of the revolutionaries that founded this country... or was he the inventor of that spinning doohickey? Either way, the Cash residence is a priceless piece of our national history. The government should protect the site as a national landmark... and put more funding towards historical education while you’re at it.”
  2. “Out with the old and in with the new!” opines Hiro Hernandez, manager of Pop’s Eatery, while handing out free samples to everyone in sight. “These fried saltballs were invented right here in Random Chaos by one of my top chefs, and at least in my opinion, that’s some Random Chaosian culture worth celebrating. If you assign a few more cops to keep away the overeducated hooligans from my stores, then I could have a free hand to open Pop’s Eateries on every corner of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Why not have your cake and eat it too?” asks your underachieving Culture Minister, May Parke, while tucking into a tray of vol-au-vents taken from a recent gallery opening. “By which I mean have food AND culture at the same time. We should preserve these historical sites and allow - no, actually, make that REQUIRE - that they all have restaurants built within them. Imagine it: a roast on the spit in an old castle, tea and scones in noble palaces, all-you-can-eat-buffets in museums commemorating the Great Random Chaosian Famine. Now that’s what I call culture!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, criminals and college students are taking an interest in the government's new weed-killing program.

2022-05-03 21:30

Florists Blooming Mad

Bigtopian Balsam — an invasive weed with an extremely short gestation period, rapid growth, and hallucinogenic properties — has infested the Random Chaosian hillsides. After smothering endangered wildflowers and crop-laden fields alike, a seemingly unlikely coalition of environmentalists and business owners have petitioned the government for action.

  1. “These damn weeds are out of control!” shouts the nation’s leading basket-weaving magnate, who insists on being called the Basketcase. “They’ve completely destroyed my bamboo crop and are overrunning everything else! The government needs to back off with these pesticide regulations and let us handle this problem ourselves.”
  2. “For once, I agree with my money-grubbing colleague here — in theory,” replies your constantly overlooked Minister of the Environment, Tanner Silk. “However, I disagree in methodology. All those nasty pesticides and chemicals would do colossal and irreversible damage to the environment. How about we set up a jobs program to remove the weeds and reseed the earth? It’ll be a little costly, but hey, we’ll be helping the environment and tackling unemployment! Talk about killing two gamblers with one stone!”
  3. “Eureka!” exclaims drug dealer-turned-scientist Bawu Bennett. “Bigtopian Balsam’s growth is astounding! Imagine if we utilized their genes for other crops, like wheat or corn? We could plant and harvest it within a month, feeding all of Random Chaos. That means no more importing foodstuffs from other countries! There might be a tiny chance of psychotropic side-effects, but that’s nothing compared to the economic benefits!”
  4. “Use the genes for food? HA!” laughs controversial military scientist, Fleur Grossweiner who, for some odd reason, has been by your side since the beginning. “Bigtopian Balsam is the perfect bio-weapon that can wipe out our enemies’ agriculture! Our extensive research shows that Bigtopian Balsam has been successful in the ‘accidental’ contamination of a few localized sites. We need more funding to begin immediate construction of a payload delivery system and your authorization for its approval. There’s no chance of retaliation either - our enemies will be too doped up to care!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the new cheese tax is colloquially known as "wheel welfare".

2022-05-03 15:30

Uncultured Singles in Your Area

Qraft of Random Chaos, the largest dairy corporation in the nation, is facing grating criticism in the form of letters and protests involving blue cheese stink bombs. The denunciation of the company comes from independent rural cheesemakers angered over the production of individually wrapped slices of processed cheese, or singles. Cheese traditionalists, dairy dons, and queso collectivists have intruded on your peaceful lunch at the Random Chaos City Deli to make their voices heard over the sounds of the mechanical slicing of cheese.

  1. “Zese vile Random Chaosian corporations are appropriating ze label of cheese, as if le plastique is authentique!” laments the passionate and flamboyant Vincent Fromage, Brancaland’s famous cheese connoisseur, as he smears moose brie on a slice of toasted bread. “Zese bland mockeries of real cheese are a disgrace to this nation’s cheesemaking heritage. Ze corporations should be restricted from calling zese glorified napkins ‘cheese’ and save that label for propeur products like Brancaland’s wondeurful blocks and roulettes, or Smalltopian Muenster, or...” He stops to clean breadcrumbs off his flashy suit.
  2. “That’s not enough to stop FAKE CHEESE! My comrade is merely a petty bourgeois puppet for the Random Chaosian Chiefs of Cheddar,” exclaims Karl Engels Bryndza, a notorious Brancalandian social and economic reformer and part time milk-sourer, as he consumes a grilled Random Chaos City Jack sandwich. “REAL cheese traditionalists are tired of the oppression systematically imposed by dairy corporations. I say it’s time for us, the real cheesemakers, to take control! Seizing the means of production if you will. We will strip away the tyranny of those corrupt corporations like Qraft!”
  3. A large figure emerges from the shadows of the deli’s backroom. “Alas, only when it comes to cheese do these Marxists seem to care about our culture,” sighs the immense silhouette of Qraft’s CEO, known only as The Big Cheese. “These uneducated peasants always threaten to regulate industry, or even seize control of the nation’s companies. My company has every right to call our processed singles ‘cheese,’ even if they happen to be wobbly slices of soured milk, orange coloring, and emulsifiers. You don’t expect citizens to buy ‘individually-wrapped cheese product’ or ‘pre-sliced cheese substitute,’ do you?”
  4. “What a bunch of radical lunatics!” remarks Wojciech Chicago, mayor of a dairy village in the Random Chaosian countryside. “Biggie Cheese over here and that Karl Angle character are using a topic as trivial as the production of cheese to increase their power and influence. However, Mister Cheese was right about leaving the processed cheese industry alone.” He eats a cube of smelly gambler cheese with a toothpick. “Many of these bumpkins, I mean craftsmen, live in poverty. Giving them a little assistance would satisfy the blessed cheesemakers, and ensure that they stick to making authentic Random Chaosian cheese rather than intervene with the productivity of our processed cheese single factories.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, viewers get headaches from trying to read the screen full of small print warnings that precede most TV shows.

2022-05-03 09:30

News Flash!

While reporting an incident where no less than seven cats got stuck in the same tree at once, broadcasts on major news networks featured blaring noises and rapidly flashing colors, causing many discomfort, migraines, and in a few cases, full-blown epileptic seizures.

  1. “The last thing I expect in the morning is to be attacked by my television, and there’s no doubt that this stinking migraine I have is from that news report,” sighs beleaguered mum Heather Wiener, whose five-year-old has loudly sung sixty-seven consecutive repetitions of the Baby Shark song since coming into your office. “The jabbering nonsense news anchors regurgitate is painful enough. News and other TV shows must be barred from broadcasting these sorts of noises and graphics.”
  2. “What if we made shows put epilepsy warnings before each instance and program?” suggests children’s show editor Zaheer Dovey, showing you a happy face with a warning in colorful, flashy letters. “Then people will know when to switch channels, and networks will favor writers who are more conscientious. It’s a nice compromise that can be applied to all media. Hey, I know a song about compromise we can all sing! Just to warn you, there’s some moderately loud clapping in the middle.”
  3. “Why should my show be compromised?” refutes popular TV show host Darius Levy, entering your office with blinding rainbow strobe lights. “Which would you rather watch? A boring old guy in a suit, or a cinematic extravaganza featuring epic explosions and fast-paced drama? If some people are too sensitive to watch the news, then they can always listen to it on radio or something. You know, you should give your official political broadcasts more pizzaz too. I’ll give you the number of the SFX guys I use. I guarantee people will sit up and take notice!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, refugees from other nations are flocking to Random Chaos's border.

2022-05-03 03:30

The Great Wall of Random Chaos?

Due to the ongoing wars in neighboring countries, a recent rash of illegal immigrants have been caught at the borders of Random Chaos, prompting many citizens to call for tighter immigration laws.

  1. Klaus May of the Random Chaos National Purity League says, “These illegal aliens are just an eyesore with their strange customs and funny languages. Uneducated troublemakers like these only worsen crime and steal valuable jobs! I say we should boot all immigrants out on their ears and put a big fence around the country!”
  2. Preeti Snape of the Random Chaos Civil Liberties Union says, “We must welcome these refugees from any nation into our open arms, they are fleeing one oppressive dictatorial regime in the only way they know, we must not let them think they’re jumping from the frying pan into the fire!”
  3. “Hold on there, hold on people!” says Zachary Boothroyd of the Random Chaos Broadcasting company. “We don’t have to take either extreme, all we have to do is make a TV game show out of it! We put deadly obstacles on the border and monitor it with television cameras! Those that make it across win freedom and citizenship, and those who don’t, well, let’s just say that our buzzards won’t starve. We could call it ‘Who Wants to be an Immigrant?’!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tax-payers are funding ever more extravagant movie projects.

2022-05-02 21:30

Jumping the Sharknado

After another movie season dominated by sequels, remakes and spin-offs, cinema buffs have come to your office begging for action.

  1. “What happened to the classics of days gone by?” rhetorically questions renowned film critic Robert Sherbert. “The Random Chaosian movie industry used to be known for such masterpieces as ‘The Modfather: Part One’, ‘A Clockwork Violet’, and ‘Once Upon A Time In The West Pacific’, not the drivel they’re putting out these days. If studios want to release films in Random Chaos they should give us something original.”
  2. “I didn’t become a director to make films like ‘Rise Of The Planet Of The Gambler Revisited’,” gripes Gwilym Davenport. “But it’s all the studios will sanction. It’s such an expensive business making movies, and given the risks it’s no wonder we play it safe. Perhaps if the government were to underwrite our projects, I’d finally get a chance to finish ‘Heaven’s Door’.”
  3. “Haha!” chortles Ezra Krugman, while watching ‘Mad Max vs. Jar Jar Binks 2: The Unrated Edition’ on his smartphone. Shovelling another handful of popcorn into his mouth, he turns to interject, “Oh my god, this is the best part, guys. Will you keep quiet back there?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the cancellation of "The Real Vixens of Random Chaos City" has been described as a real blow for entertainment.

2022-05-02 15:30

Unreal

A study in the journal Periodical for Learning About the Sociological Misadventures of Audiovisuals has revealed that young adults who watch reality television are more likely to experience negative social interaction and emotional effects than their peers.

  1. “Reality television gives the impression that what is appearing on television is, in fact, realistic,” complains lead researcher Dr. Emory Stevens, hiding his Television is for Squares badge beneath his labcoat. “In fact, it’s scripted and heavily edited fiction. Constant arguments, excessive expressed emotion, unrealistic body expectations, instant gratification: these lead to youths acting out in unacceptable ways and to a general negative inertia in society. All these shows should carry disclaimers to explain how reality is being misrepresented, and all schoolchildren must be taught about the distortions in these shows.”
  2. “Like my sister Chrissie says: don’t be haters just ‘cuz you ain’t us,” natters Christina Cholmondeley, of popular reality show Crashing Out with the Cholmondeleys, as she flicks her hair. “Reality TV is, like... what’s the word? Not Alsatian... aspirational. We aspire kids to be better than they are. If they’re fat and stupid, we make them want to be pretty and clever, like us. By acting like us, they can hope to be like us. Then they’ll have their own brand of perfume, like Chrissie C’s Pong of Class, which is on sale now, babe. Rather than oppress us, you should show your fans how awesome you are by being on our show... like, lots. Random Chaos needs our brand of style way more than political speeches.”
  3. “Objection!” shouts arbiter ‘Judge Kellyanne’, who earns one million chips per show, as she bangs her gavel on your desk. “Leader, that Cholmondeley moron is selling you manure and telling you it’s chocolate. Does she think you’re an idiot? Brain-dead shows like hers are the reason why young Random Chaosians have no motivation to get a real job. They see over-glossed and glossed-over lives, and think it all comes easy. Young people would be more focused if reality shows only showed serious professionals doing real jobs, and not lies about fame and fortune.”
  4. “The problem is the negativity,” chimes preternaturally perky Baby Bebe Baker-Bell, who found fame as a child singing on Random Chaosians Have Talent (Honest!). “Backstage, wranglers stir up spiteful competition between contestants. They goaded me into calling someone a ‘meanie bo beanie’! I still wake up sweating. But maybe a better class of reality TV could instead nurture a pleasant society by encouraging participants to only be nice to each other, and by editing out the sad parts of life. Wouldn’t it be lovely if everybody got along better?”
  5. “We must escape from dreary reality,” says Steve, your nephew and a recent graduate of the Random Chaosian Academy of Dramatic Art, as he strikes a stereotypically heroic stance. “By forcibly reallocating all reality TV slots and funding, we could tell intelligent stories and pay good wages to highly skilled actors who have a classic face suited to play either the dashing lead or the brooding baddie. Noir mysteries, sultry sagas in country houses, earthy dramedies, pulsating thrillers, period pieces of pride, prejudice and penury; with funding, we could usher in a golden age of quality Random Chaosian drama.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, boys are forced to pair off for the school disco slow dance as the girls are all staying at home.

2022-05-02 10:30

Birds, Bees, and Breeding Teens

A study has shown that an increasing proportion of teenagers in Random Chaos are falling pregnant.

  1. “We need comprehensive sex education to be mandatory in all schools,” says teacher Holly Tan, while tidying away some diagrams that make your eyes water. “The plain fact is that teenagers will experiment with sexual intercourse despite what society or their parents wish. So I say give these kids free contraceptives, and make them fully aware of the consequences of their actions. Information is what they need, not condemnation. If they ignore it then hey, it’s their own damn fault.”
  2. “If you give them contraception it’ll just encourage them to do... terrible things,” says Maximilian Castro, a religious parent and member of evangelist group Moral Minority. “And what’s with giving them so much information? There’s even diagrams for goodness sake! Have they never heard of ‘monkey see, monkey do’? They’ll just go and try it out, mark my words! The solution is simple: girls should be kept at home and away from the monkey house of lustful impetuousness and young males until they are of age. Teaching teenagers abstinence and chastity is the key, not giving them step-by-step manuals.”
  3. “However sex education is taught, it is still social engineering and so undermines parental authority,” says conservative moral crusader Sierra Huffington. “My own son learned about something called ‘homosexuality’ the other day! For shame! We all know it should be Adam and Eve, not Adam and... Geoff? Anyway, my point is that sex education should be dropped from schools and instead taught by parents the way they see fit. That way children will get consistent messages and parents, not society, will cop the blame if any of their kids fall pregnant.”
  4. “No-one’s asked me my opinion yet,” says teenage mother Catherine Gratwick, as she bottle-feeds her baby. “I think it’s perfectly obvious what the cause of teenage pregnancy is - teenage boys! My son’s father is the one that got me into this mess. He’s the one who pressured me into having sex, but all the education is focused on the girls. Teenage fathers should be made responsible for their actions for once and be made to join the military so they can send their wages back to pay for their children’s upkeep. If that’s not a deterrent, then I don’t know what is.”
  5. “I think we’ve missed the fact that maybe this teenage pregnancy phenomenon is not such a bad thing,” says famous demographer Ariel Picard. “We need the population to grow, we need more men of working age, we need more folk to pay taxes, et cetera. There are plenty of sound demographic reasons why we should be encouraging women to have families as soon as they can. I don’t think we ought to discourage teenagers from procreating - it’s nature’s way you know.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, delicate flowers faint at news of house plants being eaten.

2022-05-02 03:30

Cuy Bono?

A morning meeting with some of your ministers is just starting when your sister bursts into the room and into an angry complaint about how, when her family went out to dinner at a fashionable new Tiquitacan restaurant yesterday evening, her young daughter was brought to tears by finding guinea pig on the menu.

  1. “At first she was delighted to see that they had a pen of guinea pigs, which she thought was a petting zoo, until one of the waiters explained that those animals — which his people call cuy — were actually there so that diners could choose which ones they wanted to eat. She was still crying right up until she finally went to sleep that night. It shouldn’t be allowed! Some kinds of animals are food but some kinds are just pets instead, at least in civilized countries like ours, and the law should make it clear which are which.”
  2. “But the guinea pig has always been an important meat animal for the Tiquitacans, and it’s really tasty too. I remember that from when I was posted at our embassy there,” remarks Alina Kirk, your Foreign Minister, salivating slightly. “Not only should we continue to allow the use of guinea pigs as meat, but there are so many other foreign delicacies that we should encourage restaurants and shops here to stock as well: Skandilund’s reindeer hind cutlets with eyeball sauce, for example, or Tasmanian fermented platypus eggs. Yum!”
  3. “All meat is murder!” protests Ed Rogers, your Environment Minister. “It’s a slippery slope: First, people eat the flesh of ‘domestic livestock’, then they eat the flesh of animals traditionally kept just as pets... and then, maybe, they’ll even ‘graduate’ to putting pineapple on pizza! It’s barbaric! This incident is just more proof that we should outlaw meat-eating altogether.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teens are voting on which C-List pop star will be next to be evicted from the opera house.

2022-05-01 21:30

The Show Must Go On

Fewer and fewer people attend the Random Chaos City Opera House, largely because the younger generation and the common man consider the shows archaic and boring. The once packed auditorium now struggles to fill seats, and it is nowhere near turning a profit. Without help, the Random Chaos City Opera House is likely to close its doors.

  1. “Empty spaces, what are we living for? Abandoned places, I guess we know the score,” melodramatically declares singer-songwriter Teddie Hercules. “If Random Chaos loses opera, then we lose the very soul of our culture. Some things are bigger than money, and I’m not just talking about the leading tenor’s waistline. I insist that we establish a Random Chaosian Arts Council to fund the opera and ensure that talented mezzos and baritones can survive, no matter the cost. The show must go on, go on...”
  2. “No problem, I can Handel the funding for you,” suggests TV-producer Aldo Svensson, while spreading out before you possible contracts for various TV programs. “Here are ideas for live elimination shows, dating shows, and celebrity-studded musicals to take place in that lovely building downtown. I’ve got a vision of big money, big drama, big entertainment, big merchandise, and big ratings: I call it Bopera. It’s a big yes from me. Give my venture cultural-exemption tax status, and I’ll keep the opera house’s doors open.”
  3. “Waste of good land,” succinctly concludes property developer Dorothy Carr. “This is prime city centre real estate that could be upscale housing and a parking lot. I mean, what would you rather do: sit through six hours of fat people in ridiculous viking helmets singing in a language you don’t understand, or cut time off your commute to work?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, love means always having to say you're sorry.

2022-05-01 15:30

The Madson-Hashley Scandal

A vigilante group has acquired and published the membership rolls of the Madson-Hashley Club, a secret group for those wanting to commit the illegal act of adultery. With a few high-profile suicides stemming from the leak, experts are concerned that prosecuting these adulterers will do more harm than good.

  1. “No-one deserves to feel this bad,” argues marriage counsellor Arnie Unterobernegger, a former politician and actor renowned for his love of eating out. “Think about the people who are going to be publicly shamed, having had their relationship put on trial. The whole process is shameful, and has already driven people over the edge. You should legalise adultery, and let the relationships of consenting adults be kept between them and their marriage counsellors.”
  2. A lady twisting her husband by the ear comes over. “Adultery is the ultimate betrayal and should always remain illegal. However, if I can find it within myself to forgive my spouse, then what’s the point of charging him with a crime? As the offended party, I should get to determine his... punishment. You’ve learned your lesson, haven’t you, darling?” Her husband nods slightly before she lets his ear go.
  3. “Your husband’s taken you for a fool,” snaps Anne-Marie Trudeau, a stiff-necked staffer who has been cheated on by three different partners. “We should not be merciful to a sophisticated network intent on breaking our adultery laws. You must set up an anti-adultery task force to uncover and expose all the filthy cheaters in this nation! We must not stop until all their lives are destroyed. As for the people behind Madson-Hashley, they’re more than accomplices — they’re an organised crime syndicate, who should be treated as such.”
  4. “No-one is disputing that the adulterers broke the law, but these vigilantes have also callously destroyed the lives of many innocent partners who must live with the public shame of their spouse’s infidelity,” observes Ed Indy Sand, a privacy advocate. “They should have handed this information over privately to law enforcement, rather than raising a hullabaloo, airing all this dirty laundry in public. The vigilantes should be prosecuted for causing deliberate emotional and psychological harm.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wind farms are erected on shuttered oil platforms.

2022-05-01 09:30

Oil’s Well That Ends Well

An offshore oil rig has exploded, spewing millions of barrels of petroleum into the South Gambler Sea.

  1. “These oil companies must be held accountable for their reckless negligence!” yells environmentalist Joseph Fernandez, while scrubbing the oil off a dolphin. “We cannot let this environmental catastrophe continue! We must stop the oil spewage and restore the environment to its former glory! And as for those greedy fat cats who caused this mess, they should foot the cleanup bill!”
  2. “Woah, woah... let’s not demonize the oil companies. It’s not like they want these spills to happen,” cautions Nomfundo Martin, an investor in DrillBabyDrill Fund Management. “Think of what punitive measures would do to the economy. It’s an unfortunate situation, to be sure, but do we really want to put one of Random Chaos’s corporate stars out of business? That will only hurt us all. Let the government take care of the cleanup, like usual.”
  3. “Those are just short-term solutions,” says solar engineer Wendy Smiley with a distant look in her eye. “We should do everything we can to stop this leak AND invest in alternative energy. Who needs limited fossil fuels when you have solar, wind, and geothermal power? Don’t you want your children to live in a world free from the oily grasp of big business?”
  4. “You’re looking at this the wrong way. This isn’t a problem; it’s a golden opportunity!” says theme park tycoon Lucas Blofeld, slicking back his hair. He continues: “Picture this: thousands upon thousands of tourists flocking to Random Chaos. Why are these people coming in droves, you ask? To see the one, the only Great Gambler Sea Oil Slick! Throw up a few more platforms, add some roller coasters, a few restaurants, tie it all together with a jolly mascot, and you’ve turned this unfortunate accident into a lucky break!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Retail Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children dream of becoming physicians and physicists.

2022-05-01 03:30

A Funeral for a Fiend?

Fyodor Gilbreth, the controversial former head of the Random Chaosian military, suddenly died in his home last night. While he was beloved by many for his unapologetic patriotism and military service, he was loathed by others for his xenophobia and alleged war crimes. He is proving to be just as controversial in death as he was in life as you have been asked to honor him with a state funeral.

  1. “He was a hero and a true patriot!” exclaims Lauren Meyer, the current head of Random Chaos’s military. “Of course he should be presented with a state funeral and full honors! In fact, we should declare a week of mourning and erect a statue of him in Random Chaosian Square. Damn the expense! Anyone who disagrees is a terrorist-sympathizing, Random Chaos-hating traitor!”
  2. “A funeral for a fascist and a fiend like Fyodor Gilbreth? No way!” rebuffs civil rights activist Richard Strange while spraying graffiti over an official bust of the deceased. “Is that the message we want to send to the rest of The Hatrackia? That we honor mass murderers and bigots? How about honoring the true heroes of Random Chaos, like those doctors who worked in cancer research, or scientists who discovered new elementary particles?”
  3. “Why bother with state funerals at all?” queries Abdullah Caesar, chairperson of the Angry Taxpayers Federation. “Talk about a perfectly good waste of our hard-earned money! Let the family of the deceased cover the cost of the funeral so the government can get back to more important things like lowering taxes and cutting government spending.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, vile black smog from coal power plants has enveloped several major urban centres.

2022-04-30 21:30

Power Problems Need Bright Solution

The oldest power station in Random Chaos suffered a catastrophic failure last night, plunging a third of the power supply grid of Random Chaos City into darkness. There is no debate that it needs to be replaced, but the question is with what?

  1. “The solution is clear,” says environmental activist Bodhi Woolf. “Wind turbines and solar power stations are the cleanest there are. We must switch power production to forms of renewable energy, which will never run out. The only minor problems are that wind farms will take up a great deal of space and of course we can’t exactly rely on the weather. It isn’t as though we control it. But think of how much healthier people will be without all that pollution!”
  2. “Wind power? Solar collectors? Bah! Have you ever wondered when the least amount of strain is placed on the national grid? WHEN THE SUN IS SHINING!” exclaims Southern Random Chaos Electra official Gillian Edwards. “We need power under our control, and cheaply. Coal has been the cheapest and most abundant power source for ages. We don’t need this airy fairy wind malarky when we have cheap and reliable power available for all. True, pollution will be a bit on the heavy side but I’m sure that’s only a minor problem, with how well funded our health system is!”
  3. “Now the way I see it is that it’s either green, expensive, and sprawling; or compact, polluting and cheap. Wouldn’t it be nice if we had the best of both worlds? Well, we can!” claims fission technician Liam Longfellow. “Nuclear power is reliable, clean, and although it isn’t cheap, it won’t break the bank. There is a risk of deadly meltdown, but this is relatively small, and the only people who could be against this are anti-nuclear protesters, but what do we care about those tree-hugging hippies?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a significant number of gamblers are being prosecuted on charges of child abuse.

2022-04-30 15:30

Born to Be Just a Bit Too Wild?

A much-publicised incident last week saw a pack of feral youngsters raised by gamblers attack a rambler exploring Random Chaos’s countryside. Shocked by the news stories, human rights campaigners have demanded immediate remedial action to rebuild Random Chaos’s social structure.

  1. “We can’t just sit here while innocent children are denied their birthright to be human!” pleads human rights activist Stephanie Dlamini. “We need to implement a truckload of changes. That means increasing welfare spending, implementing strict punishments for child abuse and neglect, and most importantly, we need to send a task force to rescue these poor victims! Incidentally, we’d need to increase taxes to get these things done, but for Violet’s sake, think of the children!”
  2. “These children won’t be able to just walk back into society,” snaps Commandant Bella Leach. “They’re already a world apart from normal people. However, we can take advantage of that. If you let us take these children under our wing, in just a few years, they’ll be the pride of Random Chaos’s military! It’ll be much better than that plan to mount guns on our K-9 units.”
  3. “You can’t take these kids away from their families!” says famous environmental activist, writer, and hermit Gawain Santos. “My neighbors, Akela and Raksha have raised little Maxgli for ten years, and they’d be devastated if they were forcibly separated by these overbearing, intolerant ethnocentrists! This couple needs to have their rights respected, too! Now if one bad gambler does something a little harsh, like eating its child, then just discipline it like any normal parent!”
  4. “OH MY GOD, IT IS SO CUTE!” squeals Clarrisse Milton, the next-in-line to inherit multinational beekeeping conglomerate Buzz Feed Inc. “It’s like a little gambler but it’s a person! I wanna keep it, I’m gonna call it FooFoo, and carry it around in my handbag, and... what do you mean it’s against the law?! Make it un-against the law! I want my FooFoo!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's more vermin than ever on the metro.

2022-04-30 09:30

Sales on Rails

Commuting train passengers are complaining about unofficial vendors trying to sell things to them.

  1. “These people are annoying and outrageous,” screams commuter Britney Christensen, getting so far into your personal space that she is treading on your toes. “I ride the metro every day to go to work, and I’m constantly harassed by these noisy vendors! I have to yell down my phone so my clients are able to hear what I’m saying. You have to ban all vendors from trains immediately!”
  2. Freelance vendor Gyelbu Jefferson strides into your office confidently, carrying a box of crackers. “I sell dem crackers on trains and buses every day, and dat’s how I make a livin’! People buys dem too, so clearly they wants me there! I reckon dem government should get outta’ the way and let people earn a few chips.” He waves a small bag of ROTS® crackers in your face. “Buy dem now, buy three get one free!”
  3. Late to the meeting, and with a messy stack of disorganized papers in her arms, your Minister of Finance shows up. “We must acknowledge that a sizeable portion of some citizens’ incomes comes from these entrepreneurial activities, but equally, we should have some level of regulation by selling official retail licenses, which in turn will boost the national treasury. After all, we deserve our share. These are free samples, yes?” She helps herself to a bag of crackers, and walks out.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the education system has gotten a recent boost in spending.

2022-04-30 04:00

Hukd on Fonix Workd 4 Me!

Random Chaos has a developing problem with poor literacy rates among 12-18 year olds, which many parents and teachers blame on the current state of the education system and lack of government funding.

  1. Boot Camp instructor Quasimodo Octavian stated: “Who gives a damn? Makes ‘em easier to turn into brainwashed grunts anyhow! You don’t need to be able to read in order to fire a gun! What we need to do is focus on our military spending - what does it matter if you can read or not when you’re overrun by warmongering barbarians?”
  2. On the other side, there’s Random Chaos’s Education Administrator. “This is shocking news. If the children of tomorrow cannot read, then what? Next thing you know, we will be speaking with contractions! The government must devote more efforts to education! Where will we be twenty years from now with an overflow of unskilled labor?”
  3. Yasmin vandeBerg, principal of a highly-rated private school, prefers a different approach. “Instead of that, why not issue government vouchers so that parents can afford to send their children to privately run schools? We offer a far better education than the public schools. All we do is grind our particular religious views into our students!”
  4. “Who needs some fancy-schmancy cash-draining school system, anyway?” Cortana Collins declares from the front steps of a double-wide mobile home, shotgun in hand. “My Pa raised me and my eight brothers and three sisters without no waste of time schoolin’! My Pa taught me everythin’ I need t’know, let all these whippersnappers’ Mas and Pas teach ‘em what they need t’know!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, surfers ride tsunamis of record height and toxicity.

2022-04-29 21:30

Some Like It Hot; Others Don’t

A sudden rise in temperatures has sparked a debate over what the government should do to counter global warming, if anything. The environmentalist movement is up-in-arms and has camped outside your residence for three days demanding an end to all toxic emissions.

  1. As the crowd at the environmentalist rally shouts “Ban emissions NOW! Ban emissions NOW!”, a radical who has actually worked in the real world steps to the podium. “Hush now, folks. Do you realize that a total ban would also require the elimination of all 4.052 billion of us? Our mantra SHOULD be ‘Reduce emissions NOW!’ We must demand that our government install emission controls on all producers, including manufacturing plants, mining and agricultural operations, and military and civilian vehicles. We may not be able to eliminate all emissions, but we can surely go after the sources.”
  2. “We don’t need to be too extreme about this, people,” suggests Ladislav Gibson, an economist. “To lower emissions, all we need to do is provide an economic incentive not to pollute. By this, I mean put a tax on harmful emissions. This excise tax will serve to encourage the use of cleaner alternative energy sources, while keeping the economy more or less intact and creating a new source of government revenue. Win-wins always sound good to me.”
  3. “Whoa, dude! The government is planning to do WHAT?!?” says famous surfer Rey Merkel, “This temperature spike is, like, totally rad. Why would we want to stop it with uncool stuff that, like, makes it too cold for me to surf and like also does some bad stuff to our economy? Sure, there might be some, like, smog and pollution and stuff, but who cares when we could have bigger waves?”
  4. “You know, I’m really tired of these hippies constantly complaining about the environment,” rants your arch-conservative cousin, Zhiku Stone, “They’re the real problem. I say we round up all the tree-huggers and shoot ‘em all. Then business can go on as usual without the eco-nazis protesting every new oil refinery.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are more concerned about voting for Big Brother contestants than politicians.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2022-04-29 16:00

Voter Apathy Rising but No One Cares

Statistics have shown a steady decline in voter turnout in Random Chaos’s latest elections. After numerous requests and finally a cash prize, some individuals have come forward with suggestions as to what should be done.

  1. “No one cares about voting anymore,” sighs Joe Trump, chief of a watchdog organisation overseeing fair ballots. “Even I only got to my position because my mum’s a member. This is supposed to be a democracy, yet less than a quarter of our population voted for your government! I believe that if we free up methods such as postal and phone voting then the people might actually feel inclined to give their opinions. It beats having to stand for hours in the rain to give a vote they privately feel will make no difference...”
  2. “The easier you make something the less anyone will care about it,” says Catriona Wood, a political scientist with nothing to do. “The only real way to increase voter turnout is to force people to vote. Make it compulsory with executions for those who don’t comply and then we’ll have a true democracy! Sort of.”
  3. “The reason people aren’t voting is because they’re quite happy with how things are,” says Nomathemba Clason, lounging in a deck chair. “If people can’t be bothered to vote then why not just do away with the whole thing altogether? Come the next election, just set yourself up as dictator for life and everyone can get back to whatever they’d rather be doing. Now please go away, you’re standing in my rays.”
  4. “I think you’re approaching this the wrong way,” says Andrew Lavelle, the proprietor of UltraCorp-SmithMax Chemicals Inc. “If people can’t get out and about, it’s clearly due to a lack of energy. Our product range includes an ideal solution; we could add POWERTHIRST [TM] to the national water supply! And better yet, it only has a very slight risk of causing zombification or exploding cattle!”
  5. “I, ah..., I think... ah, just do whatever,” says Vincent Johannsen, checking the time again. “I don’t have time for this. Bye!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, employers are finding it hard to screen candidates now that everyone gets A grades in their exams.

2022-04-29 09:30

Unreasonable Adjustments?

It’s exam season, and the latest headlines report that a student registered as having dyslexia and dyscalculia received various adjustments due to his disabilities. These included extra exam time, a scribe and a separate examination room. With the mounting cost of these adjustments and their perceived unfairness, interested parties have arrived at a public inquiry into the matter.

  1. “This kind of hand-holding is exactly what is making the next generation so stupid!” exclaims self-taught marine biologist Jane Sajak. “I had to work hard to learn my trade without help from anyone. I kept on and persevered, much as the fearsome dolphin who knows that to stop swimming means death. Now they’ll practically do the test for you as long as you have a doctor’s note. I say we get rid of all this babying of our children and bring back survival of the fittest.” Looking down at her rotund frame, she quickly adds “or rather, survival of the smartest.”
  2. “That’s absolutely absurd!” cries Napoleon Anderson, parent of three autistic students. “Look at these test scores! Students with learning differences are still falling behind their peers even with these extra adjustments in exams. What we need to do is totally re-shape our entire education system from the ground up to make it more accommodating for everyone. What price would possibly be too high when it comes to unlocking the true potential of every Random Chaosian?”
  3. “Do I ever have a solution for you!” beams Stephanie Garcia, with a wide grin displaying far too many teeth. “Just send all of those... special children of yours to us and we’ll set them up with workplace learning schemes in light manufacturing. It’ll be a great way to build character, cut down on wage costs and teach the value of hard work! It’s a win for the industry and the kids!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Conservative.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, major cities run on potato batteries.

2022-04-29 03:30

A Hot Potato

Thanks to generous agricultural subsidies, Random Chaosian farmers have produced a record number of potatoes this year, generating a significant surplus.

  1. “This is the seventh day in a row my old lady cooked potato soup for dinner and I can’t take it anymore!” clamours Arcturus Bush, a farmer, dejectedly leaning on a yardstick. “We have just tons and tons of potatoes and they will all rot if we cannot sell them. The government needs to buy them from us, otherwise a year’s hard work will go to waste. Give them to the hungry, find some other use for them... just take them, please!”
  2. “We just need to motivate people to buy and eat more potatoes,” explains Giuseppe Hernandez, your Minister of Creative Solutions, attempting to juggle three potatoes and staggering as one bounces off his forehead. “How about government-sponsored comics, cartoons and movies where the superheroes derive strength from eating potatoes! The Amazing Potato Man! The Red Russet! Yukon Booster Gold! What do you think?”
  3. “This clearly shows poor planning on the part of your farmers,” grunts the People’s Ambassador from the Socialist Union of East Lebatuck. “Of course you will have a surplus if everyone decides to plant potatoes! The key is to diversify! If your neighbor Farmer Joe is planting potatoes this year, maybe you should switch to celery instead. That’s why you need a centrally planned economy. No surplus, no shortages — just eternal bliss and abundance!”
  4. “This potato mountain is tangible proof that commie economics are inefficient,” asserts right-wing economist Lisa Parke, presenting you with an invoice for the advice she is about to deliver. “Subsidies distort production, and block the invisible hand of self-correcting markets. Stop agricultural subsidies. You’ll end up with a leaner industry, and some temporary hardship, but in the long run you’ll be supporting the system that creates the wealth of nations.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is telling wizards to put their heart into their work.

2022-04-28 21:30

The Magic’s Gone

The government’s stance endorsing the practice of magic and sorcery has always raised some eyebrows amongst world leaders. Now it seems that spells that ought to work are not giving repeatable results, and sometimes don’t seem to do anything at all. A cabal of five magi have come to advise you on the reasons for these sorcerous failings.

  1. “Magic ebbs and flows like the tide. Today, a spell fails — tomorrow, it succeeds beyond your expectations,” explains Magical Headmaster Godric Elminster. “If you encounter setbacks, you keep your chin up and march on. Have a little faith in the High Art, and in the powers of magic that exist invisibly all around us.”
  2. “Hold on, maybe we need to be more active in looking for an answer,” suggests Arcanist Rowena Dresden. “If we want to cast spells, we’re going to need a source of magical power. I suggest we set up an agency to hunt down legendary artifacts and mythical creatures. If only we knew more about fabulous beasts and where to find them, I’m sure we could get our thaumaturgy flowing.”
  3. “Look, the important thing here is not how much power you wield, but how much power you appear to wield,” suggests Salazar Constantine, a street wizard, lighting up a cigarette despite the No Smoking sign in clear view. “You need to make announcements that Random Chaos’s magical puissance is growing on a daily basis, and arrange for a few large scale stage illusions to back up that lie. This will have practical benefits too: as the scepticism of the masses decreases, magic will flow back into the world, enabling true wizards like me to cast real spells for you. Honest truth, guv, would I lie to you?”
  4. “Let’s not be afraid to name magic as a failed experiment,” offers ever-practical will-worker Helga Ged. “Look, we all wanted magic to be the solution to our problems, but when it comes down to it, hard work and elbow grease are what gets things done. Me, I’m putting down my wizard’s staff and taking up a fishing rod. It’s time we got back to basics.”
  5. “Actually, my own spells have been working fine,” reports a smug little alchemist, who insists he must not be named. “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy’s first law of Equivalent Exchange. Make the necessary sacrifices and you’ll find that there’s magical power aplenty to be had.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, laws are littered with references to cheese.

2022-04-28 15:30

Ghost Riders on the Sly

Following the passage of a well-supported bill that contained half a dozen riders, corruption watchdog groups are lobbying the government to take action against the use of these unrelated addenda in lawmaking.

  1. “This is unacceptable,” says legislative clerk Emily Silk, peeking out from behind a wall of 3-ring binders. “It paves the way for corruption, eats up all our time and money, and, quite frankly, is exhausting! We must require each bill to have one - clearly defined - purpose and be able to state that purpose in a concise title. That way we won’t have any more defense spending bills with addenda about cheese processing regulations. The industry will hate it, but if I have to read through one more schizophrenic morass, I’ll quit!”
  2. “Yes, these riders can be a threat to the democratic process,” begins Party Majority Leader Kaji Benteen. “But to ban them outright is simply foolish. We need the ability to amend bills, and sometimes those attachments aren’t always clearly connected. Therefore, I propose we grant the legislature the ability to veto any rider by a simple majority vote. That way, necessary riders can still be attached and this other tom-foolery can be nipped in the bud.”
  3. “Look, this is how things have always worked,” says Oprah Gruber, the CEO of Cheesemongers Unlimited, Ltd. “Representatives’ time is both finite and valuable. Do you have any idea how many bills there’d be if each one could only have one aim? Legislation would come to a stand-still! Yes, it can be prone to corruption, but find me a government that’s corruption free and I’ll eat my shoe!”
  4. “Can’t trust the government to do anything right,” scolds economic analyst Wil Nahasapeemapetilon, glancing up from a worn copy of The Fountainhead. “We’ve given it a fair chance, it’s failed, and now the private sector will have to swoop in to fix it. If you privatize the legislature, I can assure you it’ll be humming efficiently and in the black by this time next year!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is pouring money into 'Operation Enduring Democracy'.

2022-04-28 10:30

Controversial Coup Causes Commotion

A coup in a neighbouring country has seen a mercenary force led by retired Random Chaosian general Hugh Swallows take charge of the peaceful backwater, purging the opposition and suppressing freedoms. Despite the new leader making a dubious promise to hold elections, the government in exile is demanding that Random Chaos take action.

  1. “THIS IS A DISGRACE,” bellows Brigadier General Melania Carr, scattering plastic soldiers over the floor. “This traitor must be overthrown! Gather together our forces and sweep the tyrant from power. While we’re at it, Random Chaos could do with some more tanks - you never know when the next coup might be.”
  2. Sven Howard, a junior official, puts down “Diplomacy for Dummies” and pipes up. “The best method of solving problems is talking. Send the new regime a strongly worded letter of protest and encourage them to negotiate. On a similar note, perhaps you could take your spouse out for a meal tonight. You’ve been spending far too much time sorting out this nation’s issues lately.”
  3. “I don’t see what the problem is,” a voice strangely like your own whispers in your ear. Your twin, standing far too close for comfort, continues, “this has given me a great idea - why not just declare yourself supreme leader of Random Chaos? After all, the people do love you so very much.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, anyone who sneezes at border crossings is turned away.

2022-04-28 03:30

Borderline Pandemic

A mysterious new illness has broken out in a bordering nation. Reports claim it is highly contagious and incredibly lethal. Unfortunately, there is no known cure or vaccine for the disease at the moment, and the head of Border Control is considering restricting the entry of that nation’s citizens into Random Chaos.

  1. “Papers, please!” shouts the beleaguered head of Border Control Ezic Arstotzka while examining a stack of entry documents. “That nation is guilty of very lax medical checks and borders that may as well be nonexistent. They might unknowingly send some people infected with this bizarre ailment to us. In order to reduce my worklo-, I mean, reduce the chance of transmission of this dangerous disease, we have no choice but to unconditionally reject all of their people. I’m sure that Random Chaosians have taken all the necessary precautions, so we won’t have any problems allowing our citizens back home. Next!”
  2. “How rude!” gasps Taylor Wagner, the rather pale ambassador of the afflicted nation. “Firstly, we shall not tolerate any negativity whatsoever toward our proud governmental institutions. Secondly, we most assuredly have everything under control, so there’s really nothing to worry about. Thirdly, rejecting every single one of our citizens just because a few thousand of us have a slightly worse cold is honestly quite ridiculous. Last but not least-” Her verbal tirade is suddenly cut short as she doubles over from a severe coughing fit that also coats the floor in what seems to be blood.
  3. “Let’s not be too hasty about this,” suggests Britney Cullen, the Minister of Health, as the ambassador is dragged out of the room. “Why don’t we screen every visitor with an immunoglobulin blood test, and only admit those who test as being clear of the disease? That way, we can prevent them from bringing their sickness into Random Chaos. Better to be safe than sorry.”
  4. “Our citizens are in danger!” screeches Gyunmin King, the absurdly paranoid Defence Secretary, speaking to you through a hazmat suit. “We must insist that all Random Chaosians return home at once! Those that don’t are probably already infected and should be left for dead. All of those strange foreign countries with their strange diseases are an existential threat, so we must therefore shut our borders down permanently to save ourselves. Do it now! Do it before it’s too late!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's rumored that Marche Noire knows what the nation's generals eat for breakfast.

2022-04-27 21:30

Ministers Exposing Themselves

It was recently discovered that your Finance Minister owns several properties in Marche Noire and your Defense Minister has stocks in a Maxtopian arms manufacturing company. Concern has been raised that this information was not disclosed before the previous election, and now represents a conflict of interest for both ministers.

  1. “You have to admit, this looks incredibly corrupt,” states your long-suffering Deputy Defense Minister. “How do we know that they’re not creating policies, particularly in the area of foreign affairs, to line the pockets of their cronies? The Maxtopian government is notoriously corrupt, and everyone knows that Marche Noire is riddled with East Lebatuck’s spies. If we want to maintain public trust, we’re going to have to come down hard on these two. For the sake of our government’s reputation, the Ministers must resign!”
  2. “That simply doesn’t go far enough!” adds government watchdog Anne-Marie Yates, whose most recent crusade forced the entire government to switch from four ply to one ply toilet paper. “Anyone running for any political office must disclose all of their financial assets to the authorities for rigorous investigation prior to their nomination. That way, potential conflicts of interest can be avoided before a scandal happens. If they have any assets overseas, they must sell them off before accepting the nomination. It’s the best way to keep our government safe and free of corruption.”
  3. “Aren’t you jumping the gun a little there?” replies your Finance Minister, after discreetly blotting out the address of her mansion on an expense report. “Just because I own lots of property overseas doesn’t mean I’m susceptible to blackmail or leaving confidential documents unprotected. This feels more like a punishment for being wealthy, brought on by the jealous critics who wish they were as successful as me. Why should that prevent me from running? Don’t you want the best people for the job?”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Moralistic Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos's first free elections in recent memory have been successfully concluded.

2022-04-27 15:30

Bring Back the Ballot?

Angry crowds formed yesterday around government offices in Random Chaos, demanding the reinstatement of free and fair elections.

  1. “Give us the vote!” cries protester Gerald English, before hurling another volley of eggs. “It is the right of the many to decide who leads our country, not the few! If we don’t get democracy right now, we’ll... we’ll, uh... we’ll throw more eggs, that’s what we’ll do! Don’t say you haven’t been warned!”
  2. “Elections?! Have they gone quite insane?!” shouts red-faced government hard-liner, Lisa MacDonald. “We can’t possibly allow that rabble to have such a degree of control over this country! They’re never happy! One moment they’re demanding democracy, the next they’ll be complaining about all the new taxes! If we dropped taxes, you’d find that they’d be much more compliant. And if they’re not, we’ll get the army to fill ‘em full of lead.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pulling weeds is seen as a threat to national security.

2022-04-27 09:30

Forage and Forget

The Random Chaosian Botanical Society has reported a sharp decline in wild herb populations due to over-collection, resulting in a blossoming debate over foraging rules.

  1. “It’s thyme to root for our herbs!” reads the sign carried by botanist Rose Marie, who is brushing some thistles off her pants. “Our plants are cruelly uprooted to be gluttonously eaten, greedily sold, or even used by hikers as improvised toilet paper! We cannot afford to let our native species become extinct, just because they look appealing to wipe with! We should impose limits on foraging for all plant species to safeguard our flora and my - I mean our - botanical research.”
  2. “Will my daughter need a flower picking permit?” snaps Basil Nettles, the host of the Cuisine Without Culture podcast. “And what’s next, a lawnmower ban? What a joke! Plenty depend on wild herbs for food security or to supplement their income, not to mention to spruce up their bland food, and extensive regulation would leave them eating dirt. Let me give you some sage advice: foragers should have the right to roam free and collect as many wild berries and herbs as they like.”
  3. “Over-regulation is bad for the economy, but so is extinction,” reports Deputy Commerce Minister Al O’Vera. “Especially if, say, the exterminated herb has medicinal properties - Random Chaos would lose out on any health benefits, and the ability to profit off of it! So how about this? Let’s identify economically and medicinally important plants, then preserve them in national botanical gardens and herbaria. That way, even if foragers go wild, the nation still flowers.”
  4. “Plants deserve to blossom freely, not be pent-up in a stuffy greenhouse,” interjects Cory Andrea Parsley, the chairwoman of the local neighborhood beautification council, dropping a bag of seeds on your desk. “We should give free seeds to all hikers and encourage them to spread them around while they are walking. Soon enough we will have a rampant vegetation to offset the loss from free foraging.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens and Fattest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the price of takeaway food quadruples after 6pm.

2022-04-27 03:30

Double Down on Double Time?

Turning up one bright Monday morning, you are met with a mob of angry janitors, delivery drivers, security guards and cleaners on strike after legislation for increased weekend pay was defeated for the sixteenth time. Given that all available office space is full of uncollected rubbish and smells faintly of Friday’s lunch, a meeting on the issue has been held at a busy local cafe.

  1. “What do you think they’re striking for?” asks a department office intern and student Cato Beethoven, still half asleep from working weekends at a greengrocers. “Fair wages for antisocial hours, that’s what! Do you know how many of us have to sacrifice our free time, our social lives and even our health for the same rate as someone doing a nine-to-five? Big business can afford to pay a bit more, so make them give us night shift and weekend workers extra pay!”
  2. “Having to fork out extra for weekend workers would sink us,” butts in nosy cafe owner Commodus Grieg, slinging a sweat-soaked dishcloth at his girlfriend so she can take over. “Me and the old gal have to scrimp and save to pay for staff as it is! Tell you what, you lot cut back a bit on all those wage laws for us small businesses and I might even be able to take the old nag out somewhere nice.”
  3. “We never used to rush about like this when I was a young’un,” interjects old-timer Mark Mumford, holding up a queue just to talk to you. “Nowadays no-one seems to have enough time for a cuppa and a chat. Why don’t we go back to the good old days when you only had to work on weekdays, and everything closed at five? That’ll give us all plenty of time to get to know each other properly, like back when I was a nipper.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, society has literally been thrown to the wolves.

2022-04-26 21:30

Lion Dad Sparks Child-Rearing Sentiment

The controversial book “Battle Hymn of the Lion Dad”, which depicts a foreign-born father brutally raising his children to outperform their peers, has whipped up a great debate over parenting in Random Chaos.

  1. “Look at Random Chaos’s children: fat, lazy, dumb, and unsuccessful,” says the book’s author Faramir Vangelis. “Now look at my two girls. Attending top colleges! Lawyer and doctor! Making a difference with their lives! Making good money with their lives! It takes iron discipline, regular beatings, and the sacrifice of their childhoods, and I might not remember their names every once in a while, but who cares about that when I can brag about my boys - I mean girls.”
  2. “Poor babies,” wails concerned mother Tamara Connery, clutching her teenage son tight to her bosom. “That book suggests the most awful punishments - hit our children, starve them, make them do their homework. The worst thing I ever did to my cupcake was give him a little gold star for trying his best. I suggest we ban this book and while we are at it, lengthen the school holidays so I can take my huggle-bug to Mr Happy’s Funland again.”
  3. “It’s not my fault,” yawns exhausted warehouse operative and father of four Khethelo Kennett, after returning from a double shift. “All I ever learned at school was how to calculate a hypotenuse and how an oxbow lake is formed. Why not teach young Random Chaosians some useful life skills like raising kids, getting a job, and coping with the daily grind of life? It’s all they have to look forward to, after all.” He immediately falls asleep on the couch.
  4. “Lion dad?” queries Bruno Rice, grasping his young son under one arm, while feeding a ferocious gambler from the other. “That’s actually just what our kids need these days - a taste of the wild. All newborn children should be left in the wilderness to fend for themselves. The strong and resourceful will survive to better our nation, and the weak... well at least the gamblers won’t go hungry.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gun regulations are so strict even staple guns and hot glue guns are illegal.

2022-04-26 15:30

Bright Orange Is the New Black

A misunderstanding involving a 12-year-old boy, a plastic toy gun, and five heavily armed police officers has resulted in substantial public uproar. The major news networks are having a field day over-analyzing the manufacturing and selling of bright orange sci-fi inspired toy guns for children.

  1. “We’re raising a generation of natural born killers!” writes left-wing child welfare activist Lars Tavener, who sent a copy of his letter to every member of your staff. “Next thing you know, they’ll want to play with real guns! When will it end? Remember, people don’t kill people, guns do! Even toy guns! We need to get anything that even remotely resembles a gun off the market!”
  2. “Hey! That’s our jobs you’re talking about!” bemoans Rory Chatwin, the CEO of Big Toys Inc., between puffs of a comically large and illegally imported cigar. “Banning our most popular toy lines would seriously damage our industry. I’d say the best way to handle this situation is a healthy corporate tax break. If we paid less taxes, we could up production and flood the market with so many toy guns that no kid would even want one! Then we sell them something better,” she says, letting out a long eerie laugh as cigar smoke fills the room.
  3. “Y’all gotta be kiddin’ me,” grumbles local gun enthusiast Agatha Hyde before spitting into a tin can near the doorway. “Plastic toy rayguns ain’t doin’ nobody no harm. When I was li’l we played with BB guns all th’ dad-gum time! Y’all wanna ban toy guns? Shoot, we should let ‘em have real guns! Make it legal, an’ all. I bet it’d even lower crime rates! Who’d wanna rob a house knowing little Tommy has a 9 mil?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pro-democracy protesters are shot on sight by state police.

2022-04-26 09:30

Got Democracy?

As waves of pro-democracy protests continue in The Hatrackia, with several actually toppling long-standing regimes, your advisers fear the protests could soon hit Random Chaos. An emergency conference has been called to discuss the looming crisis.

  1. “We must crack down hard on all rebels who dare to betray our beloved nation!” roars Rosalia Hicks, head of the Random Chaos State Police. “We must use whatever force is necessary to prevent these protests from happening here. Specifically that means roving death squads and informants monitoring all anti-government activity to shut them down before they revolt. So long as Leader is our ruler, treason shall never go unpunished!”
  2. “Atrocities would only give these protesters more motivation to rebel,” quickly counters Agnes Patton, your Propaganda Minister, while reading through socioeconomic figures. “Some of their complaints are worth looking into, if you don’t want the wolves at the gates. Establish large-scale public works projects to lower unemployment and things will be back to normal in no time. We could hire people to build schools and health clinics and repair utilities. These protesters say they want a revolution, but I think you’ll find they’ll settle for a lot less.”
  3. “The people are angry and fed up with the system. If you want to stop the protests, you must give them exactly what they want!” dramatically declares a protester who somehow smuggled herself in through a food cart. “The time for real democracy is now!” Between screams of pain, as your bodyguards tackle her to the floor, she finishes, “By any means necessary!”
  4. After disposing of the trespasser, the meeting resumes. “We can’t allow TRUE democracy. Do you really think that the people would pick a suitable replacement for you?” says Don Wall, your most loyal bodyguard, while sharpening a halberd. “For all we know they’ll elect some anarchist with an ax to grind! How about we let them vote, but we only permit reputable Party members to run? That gives the people the right to decide small matters, while making sure that critical issues are left to our Party veterans.”
  5. “I have an unorthodox way to solve this once and for all,” suggests your questionably sane Interior Minister, playing with a chemistry set despite the gravity of the meeting. “Instead of all that ‘populism,’ why don’t we infuse the water supply with, I dunno, sedatives or something?” He grins maniacally. “Imagine how easy it would be to control the citizenry! Put the right drugs in the water, and I’m sure you’d have zero dissidents. Think about it: you could abolish all those superfluous legislatures and make yourself Random Chaos’s absolute ruler.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, red fabric is banned.

2022-04-26 03:30

New Tricks

It’s Trickster Night, a global event made popular in the United Federation but with its roots in ancient religious practices, where children dress up as ghouls and ghosts and play pranks if not given a sweet treat. You are making your way to your front door, when a small child draped in a sheet stops you.

  1. “Twick or tweat, twick or tweat, gimme somefin good to eat,” she lisps, holding up a small bucket already half filled. “If you don’t, I declare, erm... it will be not fair. Wow! You’re that person wiv all the power. My pawents talk about you all the time. They say, ‘Can’t that dum-dum do anyfin wight?’ Listen, I love Twickster Night. It’s my favouwite holiday. Can you give all kids a day off school, so we can make weally good costumes? Then we can show evewyone how fun it is.”
  2. “Shoo, you bothersome brat,” mutters your Uncle Kalden, putting one sour lemon drop into her bucket and dragging you inside. “This pranking is what I want to talk about. Children running around, creating mayhem, demanding rewards for no work. What happened to industriousness? To children being neither seen nor heard? Clamp down on this ridiculous imported holiday. It’s harassment to allow your child to demand sweets with menaces. Issue heavy fines to any parent who lets their wretched hellion out of the house on Trickster’s Night.”
  3. “My child, I’m so glad you’re here,” says your mother, entering with a tray and opening the door to place six chocolate bars into the bucket of the little girl who is still crying outside. “I’m tired of putting up with Kalden’s nonsense. But I do worry about all those children, wandering alone. Streets can be so unsafe. I say we encourage families and schools to hold Trickster Night costume parties with buffets, toffee apples, gift bags of sweets... dancing, if there’s time. Then, the little ones could safely enjoy their evening.”
  4. “Be not one with the ghouls, lest ye become a ghoul!” howls your niece, stepping forward to deposit a graphically bloody religious tract into the little girl’s bucket. “This Night of Tricks is, itself, a trick. It softens our resistance to evil, encourages us to don the robes and face of the devil, and makes us forget that the mask we wear is what we are! We must ban this demonic day, and the sale of all costumes that let your citizens pretend to be devils, harlots or other evil people. Random Chaos must stand unified, praying together against this evil.”
  5. “Ah, my favourite night of the year, all screams and sweets,” comments your brother, menacing the little girl with a realistic toy axe as he snatches the bucket of candy from her, and slams the door shut in her face. “Delightful japes if someone doesn’t give you enough sweets, or gives you the wrong ones. Nothing makes someone feel more alive than a good scare. Except the lady who collapsed — ah well. Let’s make it a mandatory national holiday for all. No more pretending to be out. Get everyone’s adrenaline pumping with some larks, like neighbours jumping out with chainsaws. Everyone — especially me — would get so many sweets. Talking of which, I reckon you were a little light this year, so...” Grinning, he steps back to reveal your most important papers rendered unreadable by a dozen rotten eggs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the sidewalk is used as an overtaking lane by city drivers.

2022-04-25 21:30

Market Crash

On a busy Saturday morning, a minicab driver took a shortcut through a crowded market street. After skidding on some banana peels, he lost control and crashed through a dozen fruit and vegetable stalls, narrowly avoiding injuring anyone. Pedestrians are donning full body armor, and Random Chaosians are beginning to accept that reckless driving and speeding in the inner city may be just another fact of life.

  1. “The roads themselves are letting drivers get away with high speeds,” says Elsa Liu, a market stall holder, wiping pulped tomato from her face. “We need traffic calming measures on our city streets: chicanes, speed-bumps, curb extensions, median diverters, and speed cameras. Slow down to save lives!”
  2. “That makes as much sense as putting a spike on steering wheels to get people to drive more carefully!” shouts Eugene Houseman, a junior town planner, heaving a hefty box of documents onto your desk. “According to these studies, by the Ministry of Transport itself, so-called ‘traffic calming’ measures actually increase accidents. Instead, we need to allow high speeds to be safe: that is, remove blind spots, and rebuild the city to allow for wide straight roads. It’s the evidence-based approach.”
  3. “Hmm... actually, can we think more on that steering wheel spike thing?” asks a familiar-looking cyclist with an irate expression, deliberately bashing your shins with his crutches. “You should make it so that all cars must have this, and you’ll end up with more careful motorists, whether it’s by operant conditioning or by natural selection. Now that’s what I call science!”
  4. “Why don’t you just pedestrianise a big chunk of the city centre?” suggests tourist Julius Serling, adjusting his anti-smog facemask. “It’ll make the whole area much prettier, quieter and cleaner, and it’ll let you show off the beauty of the heart of the city.”
  5. “Or better still, why don’t you just take your hands off the steering wheel, and let folk drive as we please?” asks impatient commuter Carlos Phillips, wiping a suspicious red-brown stain off his front fender. “Typical nanny state, trying to tell ME how to drive! Get out of the way, government!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government pours millions of chips into rehabilitation programs annually.

2022-04-25 15:30

Violent Violetists Demand Blood!

Members of weird religious cult the Order of Violet are asking for the government to appease their mighty deity by offering Her a sacrifice of the human variety.

  1. “What have we got to lose?” says religious freedoms advocate Fleur Fallon. “Just cut up a few homeless folk - it appeases this group’s bloodthirsty goddess, gets rid of unsightly bums that drain welfare, and everybody goes home happy.”
  2. “We must go much further than a few beggars!” argues the overzealous High Member of the Order of Violet, Lance Maldonado. “You must pass a law that everyone’s first-born child must be slaughtered, on live TV if possible. Think of the viewing figures!”
  3. “You aren’t going to listen to these whackjob Violetists, are you?” comments Robin Singh while leading a prayer group. “Human sacrifices! Surely we’re too civilized to permit such barbaric practices! These lunatic fringe groups should be outlawed, and their leaders should be executed!”
  4. “Who’s being a lunatic?” retorts Ásmunda Berlusconi of the Random Chaos Humanitarian Society. “I agree that these practices ought to be outlawed, but instead of sinking to the same level of these fanatics and killing our fellow people, why not simply start a re-education program? Even the worst person can be rehabilitated into a useful member of society, with enough time, care, and lots and lots of funding!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, endangered bison are herded across the border to prevent them from trampling on native prairie grass.

2022-04-25 09:30

Diamond in the Rough

After a golf course in North Random Chaos City was forced to close due to a series of unexplained explosions, the city government purchased the land with the intention of converting it back to the original bogland. However, just before the conversion process was about to tee off, an environmental survey found a population of the non-native, but endangered, Marche Noire Diamond-Backed Gopher off the fourth hole.

  1. “Four!” cries grassland ecologist Sue-Ann Humperdink. “This is one of only four known Geomys annoyus populations. The other three are in Marche Noire, but with their lax environmental regulations they are likely to be bulldozed to make room for a military base within the week. Keeping the species existent in the wild — even if it’s in a man-made habitat outside of its native range — is more important than a few acres of bogland. Remember: two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.”
  2. “That’s ridiculous,” exclaims bogland ecologist Beth Plantagenet while swinging a putter at your desk to drive home her point. “There is precious little bogland left in Random Chaos; this land could be converted into a habitat that would support a great diversity of native Random Chaosian species. Put the gophers in a zoo or something.”
  3. “Those gophers are what drove the golf course out of business in the first place,” rants Gelu Weaver, the golf course’s former groundskeeper, while playing with a strange-smelling modeling clay. “And I couldn’t kill ‘em cause I couldn’t use any of the good poisons because of stupid Random Chaosian environmental regulations. If those regulations were loosened a bit, maybe I wouldn’t be out of a job and back living with my mother. But she does give me pancakes in the morning, so I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, churches across the land are hurriedly installing auto-tune for their choirs.

2022-04-25 04:00

No Sacrifice, No Sacrifice at All

After a recent exposé of controversial religious rituals practised by some immigrants from distant, less well-developed countries, the nation’s premier conservative think tank, The Coffee Cabal, has called on the government to regulate these religions and their worship.

  1. “These acts are an attack on Random Chaos’s moral fiber!” stresses Chun-Li Cheyney, the investigative reporter responsible for the exposé. “There are just some things that freedom of religion shouldn’t cover, and that includes ritual sacrifice, the harming of children or animals, or hell, even really bad choral singing. The government must enact restrictions on religious practices that offend public decency.”
  2. “Dancing blindfolded around cucumbers while carrying wailing children on our heads is a custom that dates back millennia in our culture,” explains Hiro Jammeh, a High Priest of one of the under-fire religions. “The freedom to practice our religion played a large part in our relocation to Random Chaos. The government must preserve our right to our culture and religion, even if the majority of people find them disturbing. Haven’t you heard of tyranny by the majority? A religious exemption should be made for all the laws of Random Chaos to ensure our freedom.”
  3. “This is a dangerous discussion,” writes Felicity Preisner in her popular online journal, ‘Religious Watchblog’. “If we allow a religious exemption to any law, offences like religiously motivated terrorism would be permitted. It’s insane. I could live with allowing religious schools to decide whether or not to teach evolution, but allowing people of faith to exist outside the law is ludicrous. The government should create a ministry that considers whether or not religious practices are compatible with the nation’s ethos.”
  4. “Once again, only I have the guts to call a problem by its real name,” says right-wing radio host Stephen Wiggum. “Everyone else is too afraid to point out the real problem here, and it’s very simple; these immigrants and their brutish religions are antithetical to the basic, founding principles of Random Chaos. They don’t belong here, pure and simple. From now on, people who don’t belong to a major religion should not be allowed in this country.”
  5. “The real problem isn’t immigration, it’s religion,” announces prominent far-left politician Auguste Dredd. “Yes, the practices outlined in those articles are horrifying, but they’re no more horrifying than the religious practices the people of Random Chaos have been undertaking since time immemorial. It’s time we recognized that, as a forward-thinking people, we can no longer afford to allow the practice of any religion.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the police have been known to wiretap confessional boxes.

2022-04-24 21:30

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

After twelve years of detective work, notorious serial killer Barbie Lecter has finally been apprehended by the authorities. During questioning, it became apparent that she had already guiltily confessed her crimes in great detail ten years ago, but only to a local priest. He not only forgave her, but chose to keep the confession secret. Now the police have arrested the clergyman, claiming ten years of police work and five more murders were at least partly the result of this silence.

  1. “The confessional seal and the absolute duty of non-disclosure are core tenets of our beliefs,” explains cleric Pablo Harrison, from his police cell. “Our holy texts command that we offer forgiveness to the truly repentant. At that time, the woman was incredibly shaken by the crimes she had committed. I make no apologies for acting as I did. Secular law enforcement is your concern, while my concern is the immortal souls of all mankind. Let’s keep the two separate, shall we?”
  2. “The guilty will say anything to save their skin,” growls police officer Mia Octavian, who always plays the ‘bad cop’ during interrogations. “In all honesty, I don’t give a flying gambler turd what this crackpot’s religion tells him. He is an accessory to murder, and because he didn’t call the police like a responsible citizen, five young victims are dead! Religion doesn’t entitle you to break the law. As long as you live in Random Chaos, you abide by OUR laws, not your phoney-baloney god’s.”
  3. “Holy laws do indeed transcend the puny rules of the mundane!” declares the elderly former leader of The Flying Suns UFO cult, emerging from his underground bunker for the first time in decades. “Laws of faith come straight from infallible divinity, not from weak and fallible Man! All religions understand this truth, no matter who they worship, so all religions must have the right to put their holy beliefs ahead of mortal law. If you do not heed this warning, you will all perish in a fiery hell-storm when the Ancient Discs of Mu return from beyond the stars!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, denied drugs and entertainment the nation's youth are taking to petty crime to alleviate their boredom.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2022-04-24 15:30

Chips, Drugs, and Rock’n’Roll

A group of surprisingly hip and mellow businessmen have meandered over to your office, with paperwork to propose Gamblerfest, a celebration of music, dance and good times that will incidentally make them a truckload of money. They see your nation not only as the new stomping grounds for this annual music festival, but also as a place that could be seen as being friendly to festival culture in general, welcoming the dread-locked (and sometimes nude) bear-dancing nomads, with their mind-altering substances, groovy music and economy-stimulating disposable incomes.

  1. “This festeroo is gonna be groovy, man!” croons Eve Roosevelt, famous lead guitarist of Grateful Floyd. “I can’t wait to transcend the minds of all that watch me, man! My guitar just may steal your face right off your head, stick it on a rock-rocket and then set the controls for the heart of the sun! Ya know, man?! Leader, you can even jam with us if you give us the space for this festival!”
  2. “I don’t know about this!” worries Rama Dice, an angry old man. “These darn hippies want to be flooding my town with their drug paraphernalia, their smelly bodies, their electronical guitars and their ‘popping’ music! Keep these drug-fueled, fried-egg-brained layabouts out of our great nation! Say no to drugs! Say no to subversive drug music! Say no to young people!”
  3. “How about we have the festival, but supply enough police presence to keep the drugs out?” asks Peggy Fowler, a former weed-smoking spiritualist turned substance-abuse counsellor. “We can have our police force monitor the festival, and maybe also have an anti-drug awareness campaign working the festival, and some consultation work to minimise local disruption and environmental impact. We can have a good time and keep the drugs away... It’s all about the music, isn’t it?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, vegetables are crisper thanks to CRISPR.

2022-04-24 09:30

A Green Bill of Health

An outbreak of huanglongbing, a disease that causes citrus fruit to turn green and die, nearly wiped out all of Random Chaos’s orange crop before it was contained. Investigators have determined that the outbreak originated from contaminated fruit brought by overseas travelers.

  1. “We’re at code blood orange here,” reports Minister of Agriculture Tobias Ambrose from the ministry’s ‘citruation room’. “Our nation’s delicate ecosystem is constantly under threat from foreign diseases that can seriously harm our flora and fauna. Strict regulations must dictate which food products are allowed into Random Chaos. If someone refuses to let customs officers confiscate prohibited items, they’ll have to make like a banana and split right back to where they came from.”
  2. “A strategy like that sounds sensible, but our agriculture would still be susceptible to rot from within,” counters geneticist Boris Galavan, who recently grew flies with eyes on their wings. “It takes only one breach for there to be another outbreak. The government should sponsor a large-scale gene editing program so that the next generation of crops and livestock won’t even blink at exotic diseases. While we’re at it, we can improve them in other ways as well. You know, I’ve always wanted to make a chicken glow in the dark.”
  3. “Woah... dude, aren’t plants supposed to be green?” asks hippy herbalist Ginny McGuffin, who imports the Sedji berry ‘superfood’. “Let’s encourage our plants and animals to build their natural immunity by exposing them to these diseases from abroad — just like a pox party. After all, it’s worked just fine in nature for millions of years and stuff.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, new urban roads are threatening city parks.

2022-04-24 03:30

For Whom the Road Tolls

A group of transport analysts have suggested that a charge of five chips a day for vehicular access to Random Chaos’s most congested inner-cities during peak hours is the only way to solve their ever-growing traffic problem.

  1. “Similar schemes have been very effective elsewhere,” says Kaji Carey, one of the most infamous traffic wardens in Random Chaos. “It’s common sense that the best way to curb dangerously high demand is to raise the price of the supply - or, as in this case, to create a price. Charging citizens to go into more congested areas could, combined with the improvements to public transport it will finance, actually make people choose public transport over their cars. I don’t see why people shouldn’t pay tax for a little less traffic on our roads.”
  2. “These tolls are a preposterous idea,” argues road lobbyist, Oprah Holt. “Public transport will never replace the car - I don’t want to be forced to share my space with a bunch of malodorous working-class people on my way to work. Not that I would be, because I could afford the charge, but really, it’s the principle of the matter! The only solution is to expand urban road networks. True, some pavements and green spots would have to go, but those pedestrians should be able to put up with that if they’re to expect Random Chaos to be part of the modern world.”
  3. “Allowing cars to scoot around and pollute our cities was a bad idea in the first place,” says Wilbur Peña, a famous environmentalist. “The solution is to abolish private motor transport whilst funding a major urban public transport scheme. Our buses and undergrounds could be the envy of the world! Yes, the car companies will suffer, and yes, there’ll be a bit more tax, but wouldn’t it be worth it for a bit of fresh air and safe streets for the children?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, women across the country are tying the knot.

2022-04-23 21:30

A Cup Runneth Over

Certain officials at the Social Welfare Department have posited that mothers from low-income families are deliberately having more children in order to get a larger welfare stipend.

  1. “These women and their larvae are draining our resources!” growls a Social Welfare bureaucrat. “They have more children than they can care for and they expect the government to pay them for it! Hogwash! I’ll tell you what, let these momma pigs collect their welfare money, but only after sterilization! The men too! That way, we won’t have any more mouths on the government’s teat!”
  2. “I can’t believe someone would accuse me of such; only heartless bigots believe these falsehoods!” cries Queenie Lawson, balancing an infant on her very round stomach while attempting to control her seven other children with her free hand. “I have children because I love them! How can the government leave kids to suffer? I certainly can’t work and raise all these children alone. I say we offer families an exponentially larger welfare check for each little meal ticket — I mean, precious munchkin!”
  3. “You know, the real problem isn’t these women,” grunts Loki Sanders, pulling himself up by his crocodile hide bootstraps. “The real problem is that the government is wasting taxpayer money by ‘helping’ them at all. If poor mothers fall into financial trouble, whether due to unplanned pregnancy or simple stupidity, it really is their own fault. Let’s just get rid of welfare and let people learn to take care of themselves for once.”
  4. “Actually, the real problem is all these filthy poor people!” scoffs Roxanne Aran, sporting a designer camouflage coat by Burpbarry. “Let’s just be rid of them altogether. How about issuing peasant hunting licenses to some of our more patrician citizens? It’ll be the greatest sporting event since gambler fighting!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dubiously qualified Skandilundian barristers keep referring to laws as 'government guidelines'.

2022-04-23 15:30

Clean Switch

It turns out the woman who cleans your office toilets is actually double-qualified as a real estate lawyer and an orthopaedic surgeon. In her home-country, that is. In Random Chaos, her qualifications are not recognised. According to the rocket scientist that makes your sandwiches in the canteen, this is a common problem for immigrants across the land.

  1. “Increasing access to a skilled workforce can only be good for our economy,” observes Minister of Work and Pensions Daenerys Kumar, who has been complaining all day that she couldn’t get an appointment with her dentist. “Allow foreign qualifications to be recognised here, and we’ll have more doctors, lawyers, engineers and so on. Some of their practices might come across as slightly unorthodox, but still: an increase in supply will lead to a decrease in costs, benefiting public spending and private sector growth. We could clean up. Get it? Oh goodness, somebody stop me.”
  2. “You can’t trust foreigners,” states native-born and trained structural engineer Ingram Ross. “Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not being racist, I’m talking about trusting the quality of training. Who can say whether their standards are as good as ours? Who knows what dangerous practices might be considered normal in their nations? If they want to work here, they have to gain OUR qualifications, so we can know they are safe. Otherwise, they can stick to pushing brooms.”
  3. “Hey, they’ve already taken all the low level jobs; you can’t let them take the high paying ones too!” rants unemployed ex-factory worker Michonne al-Assad. “Random Chaosian jobs should be for Random Chaosian people! Make it illegal for employers to offer a job to an immigrant unless they can prove that there’s no native to fill the spot.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the diplomatic corps tends to open negotiations by insulting all the foreigners in the room.

2022-04-23 09:30

The Cake Is a Lie

In recent weeks, a neighbouring nation in The Hatrackia released a controversial and gory movie about Random Chaos, entitled The Baker Of Random Chaos. The movie, which follows the horrifying journey of a hapless ex-baker into the criminal underworld of Random Chaos City, seems to imply that Random Chaos is a dystopian hellhole filled with violent crime. Unsurprisingly your citizenry is offended.

  1. “This movie makes us look like lawless bloodthirsty savages... and they claimed we eat Random Chaos City Cakes all year round, when everybody knows that we like Random Chaos City Scones these days!” complains scowling patriot Marshall Kim J. Unn, dousing a stack of movie promotional posters in kerosene, tossing the offending nation’s flag onto the pile, and lighting a match. “Not only should we ban this evil slanderous movie, we should also demand an apology! Deploy tanks along their border, and warn them to withdraw the film, or face the consequences.”
  2. “Woah, like chill out dude, get a sense of humour,” says satirist Sacha Sagdiyev, lighting a spliff from the bonfire. “These people just don’t know what it is actually like to live here. So, why don’t we show them? Get some tourists in, get them high on magic mushroom muffins, flood them with love. Getting angry never solved anything, man.”
  3. “Lies and videotape, eh?” muses Lenny Groovesteel, your Propaganda Minister, reading a psychology article on The Triumph Of The Will. “Two can play at that game. We should direct our own movie directors to churn out some counter-information, singing our nation’s praises and fabricating something nasty about theirs. Have you heard people talking about the disgusting Dog-Hair Muffins they bake? No? We will fix that.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Economic Output.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, commemoration of the Great The Hatrackia War costs almost as much as the war itself.

2022-04-23 03:30

The War to End All Wars

It’s the centenary of a great war that shook The Hatrackia, and competing plans to commemorate the historic moment are being considered for approval.

  1. “No expense must be spared!” shouts military historian Samde Reyes through his unfashionable mustache. “This historic event must be celebrated through every town square in the country. Parades, street parties, reenactments! I’m sure all our citizens will contribute handsomely to making this celebration truly memorable.”
  2. “Excellent! And let’s not stop with the past,” proclaims Brigadier-General Selma Xiaoping, Director of Public Outreach for the Army. “We can use this burst of patriotic fervor to give a strong message of support to today’s armed forces, going forward. We should have a big parade of our men and women in uniform in Random Chaos City with a fly-by from the Air Force. We can never have too many recruits, after all.”
  3. “Do you have any idea how much all of that would cost?” complains budget auditor Aphrodite Eliot while eating a stale rice cracker for lunch. “We shouldn’t spend money on something that happened a hundred years ago, and the savings from all that pomp and circumstance can be returned to the taxpayers. Are you going to eat that sandwich?”
  4. “I don’t mind having a commemoration, but we need to remember that most of the people who died in the Great War were common workers like me,” says union leader Ernie Márquez, who never seems to be content with anything. “I think it’s only fair that we give everyone a national holiday, so we can all reflect upon our history of class oppression. Otherwise celebrations like this end up just being for you toffs.”
  5. “Of course we should remember the War - but there was nothing ‘Great’ about it!” pontificates student protester Kim Silk, who has read two and a half books about the War and now knows everything about it. “It was a shameful bloodbath caused by greedy capitalist arms manufacturers, and it could have been avoided. We should be remembering the incalculable tragedy of it all and making sure it never happens again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the "temporary replacement bus service" is now a permanent fixture.

2022-04-22 21:30

Stop Training and Start Coaching

A feasibility study into railway lines in the boondocks of Random Chaos has suggested that they are economically unsustainable. It is reported that some lines are running trains with less than one passenger per carriage on average. The committee behind the study has suggested that these lines be shut down, and replaced with coach services.

  1. “This is an unfortunate situation, but it isn’t in the public’s interest to maintain every single line when a coach service would do just as well,” observes Vera Hadfield, Chair of the Feasibility Committee, and coincidentally also director of the largest coach factory in the country. “While buses may offer somewhat slower travel, they can offer more tailored and direct routes for small towns with small populations. They’re also cheap and require far less maintenance.”
  2. “Stupid, bloody townies!” screams Chastity Nimoy, a disgruntled long-term resident of an isolated mountain village. “We need good and sturdy transport to get anywhere safely and comfortably, and to maintain trade and supply links with the rest of the country. The rail might not make a direct profit, but it stimulates the wider economy. The government should pay for rail connections to every place that has someone living in it. Plus, have you ever been on a long distance bus? That many folk in a small enclosed space for that many hours... well, let’s just say travel sickness isn’t the only reason passengers feel nauseous.”
  3. “I don’t see why rural people need public transport at all,” protests Herb Trevelyan, a city dweller holding a ‘Taxation is Theft’ placard. “If they choose to live in isolation, then they should deal with the consequences. It’s not like in the city, where commuter trains are standing room only. Not only should you cut government spending on public transport to rural communities, you should reinvest it in city centre infrastructure.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, authorities are looking for a stool pigeon to rat out who is stealing food from pigeon toilets.

2022-04-22 15:30

Bye Bye to the Birdies?

After Smalltopian journalists reporting on recent protein powder trade negotiations penned more articles on Random Chaosian government buildings covered in bird droppings than international commerce, questions have been raised as to whether Random Chaos’s “pigeon problem” has gotten out of control.

  1. “Get these damned flying rats off me!” yells Buffy Hitchcock, a member of the Random Chaos City Beautification Council, desperately trying to wave away the pigeons pecking at her. “These vermin are everywhere, defecating on us, spreading disease and damaging bronze and marble with their caustic droppings. It’s all happening because a bunch of nutjobs are feeding them to feel good about themselves. Leader, ban pigeon-feeding immediately, so we may be free of this feathered pestilence!”
  2. “This is their city as much as it is ours,” sings your childhood nanny Miriam Poppout, while staring at a snow globe with unsettling intensity. “You can’t let these beautiful creatures die! We should embrace bird feeding. Random Chaos City will become known as ‘The City of a Million Pigeons’ and tourists will flock from across the world to see the birds and feed them at only two chips a bag.”
  3. “I can’t see what the fuss is about,” chimes in B. F. Spinner, a spokesperson of the Random Chaos City Ornithological Society. “Ask any illusionist or postman you know: pigeons are highly trainable animals. If the problem is that they are pooping around, they can simply be given potty training. Just put small toilet bowls at designated spots in the city, equipped with a food dispenser that gives food pellets when a pigeon poops there. The pooping behavior will thus be positively reinforced and — voila! — the next time the pigeon will go to the toilet bowl when it needs to poop. Problem solved!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the education system is famed for its taxing exams.

2022-04-22 09:30

Test Results Deemed ‘Ungood’ After Global Survey

In a worldwide survey, it has been revealed that Random Chaos’s population has been graded ‘dim’ by international comparison.

  1. “These results are terrible!” wails Eve Stewart, a concerned teacher. “Something has to be done, and done quickly, if anyone’s going to take today’s youth seriously. It’s high time we started to promote our gifted children; it is they who are the ones that bring us forward! The rest of today’s youth shouldn’t worry though, a basic education should be enough for a factory worker.”
  2. “This is indeed a problem, and I believe it’s a result of the social inequality in Random Chaos,” comments Kevin Burton, a well-known social reformer. “It is obvious that students from different social classes will score differently in the tests. We can’t condemn all these kids to a life of inferiority because of a gifted minority. Instead we should make sure that everyone can follow the lessons! Lower the teaching level, so that even the less intellectually-orientated can keep up with the class. The nerds can always teach themselves; it would be unfair to provide them with extra funds after all.”
  3. “This is stupid, it would ruin our nation’s population of skilled workers!” says Peggy Hendrikson, a college professor. “There’s never enough able-minded citizens for the more specialised careers. We must force our less-intelligent to learn! Get their noses right against the grindstone! Let’s raise the bar a bit so even our best students have to sweat whilst learning! The others will of course be forced to learn even more to keep in touch, but that just shows them how real life works. To fund it, well, our defence budget is already too large, if you ask me.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, members of majority races are forced out of their homes to make way for Bigtopians.

2022-04-22 03:30

Bigtopian Protesters Cry for Full Integration

Bigtopian activists have staged a sit-in at the largest primary school in Random Chaos bringing education to a halt in a bid for integration and tolerance.

  1. “You know... it’s not that we don’t let them in... it’s that they don’t apply,” murmurs Principal Roberto Christmas, coughing nervously. “I mean, yeah, sure, if these Bigtopians lived around here... uh... we’d let them into the school. But... you know... this isn’t exactly a Bigtopian community, you know? So... uh... could you please put a stop to these protestors? Oh, and, uh...” Here he leans forward and whispers. “... make sure those creepy Bigtopian protestors don’t show up at my school again, okay?”
  2. “The time has come for the dream of equality to be realized!” shouts noted Bigtopian rights activist Rosalia Jele, slamming a fist against your desk. “I see Lilliputians, Tasmanians, and Lord knows how many East Lebatuckese keeping my Bigtopian brothers holed away in their prisons of blindness and ethnic apartheid! The time has come for full integration! If these schools are going to keep us out, I say it’s time we were bussed in!”
  3. “Well, that’s all well and good, but it ain’t well and good enough!” screams Agnes Quagmire, leader of Bigtopians Rising Against Totalitarianist Scum, slamming a black-gloved fist against the podium during a recent pep rally. “We ain’t just bein’ kept out of their schools; we’re bein’ kept out of their neighborhoods! The oppressive majority fears us, but they can’t hold us back any longer! The government needs to integrate the community as a whole by pushing out the majority and making way for a very loud, very angry minority!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, news editors who eschew the state-approved superlatives for describing Leader tend to disappear.

2022-04-21 21:30

May the Fourth Estate Be With You

All hail Leader! As the nation enters yet another period of unbounded success, your infinitely dedicated and even more competently selected advisors are working hard to further consolidate your power, with counsel on how your flawless government should wield the undeniably correct state-run media.

  1. “We must ensure that you are forever in people’s hearts and minds,” says your Minister of Truth, patriotically cutting traitorous ministers out of official photographs with a pair of safety scissors. “You must be referenced in every article of every publication. Also, the front pages of all the newspapers will now be dedicated exclusively to your life’s story, like the time you wrote a true crime novel at the age of four. Long live the Free Land!”
  2. “A glorious regime is nothing without its unrivaled military might!” declares Supreme Generalissimo Who Crushes Enemies Ayla Levy, who’s had your back since the beginning. “Undying trust in our armed forces begets undying trust in you. We must use our media apparatus to tell wonderful yet plausible and completely correct tales of our military triumphs in faraway lands. Long live the Free Land!”
  3. “We should make our populace learn to love you, not fear you, even though no sane person would ever fear you,” meekly suggests junior minister Francisco Schmo, cowering behind the Generalissimo. “If people are constantly reminded of the high standard of living the government provides for them, no one would dare question your authority.” He stares at the floor, waiting for the next speaker. “Oh! I almost forgot, sorry. Long live the Free Land.”
  4. “I say, your guidance has proven so potent that you no longer require the unnecessary burden of operating a state-run media,” says former media tycoon Lana Baker, choosing her words tactfully. “With your divine blessing, reintroducing privately operated media will demonstrate to our eternally grateful people that you hear the voices of others, however flawed those voices may be compared to yours. Long live and all that jazz.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is reliant on the principle of mutually assured destruction to maintain its security.

2022-04-21 15:30

The Empire Strikes First?

Reports indicate that several neighbouring nations are engaged in major weapons programs in contravention of international law and treaty, focusing public discourse on Random Chaos’s foreign policy—specifically, its position on preemptive strikes.

  1. “We need to respond to these terrorist scumbags!” roars General Sierra Janeway, turning a slightly alarming shade of purple. “I say we announce any illegal weapons program will be treated as an act of war! The risk of harsh words turning into an endless conflict that mires our troops in far-off lands for years at a time is a small price to pay for national security! If you don’t act now, these foreigners will think they can push us around forever! They must be taught a lesson, for the good of the Free Land!”
  2. Diplomatic bureaucrat Ashley Preisner remarks calmly, “There’s no need to go off half-cocked. It would be much better if we used an appropriate international body—the World Assembly, say, or a The Hatrackia tribunal—to investigate these rumours objectively for us. That way we have the international community on our side, and no one can accuse us of playing judge and jury. It will be well worth the extra diplomatic costs and bureaucratic red tape.”
  3. “If these countries don’t respect international law, why would they respect international agencies?” wonders political analyst Federico Wiggum. “Our neighbours are acquiring these weapons for a reason: no one wants to pick a fight with a country that has weapons of mass destruction. The solution is simple: if we have WMDs of our own, they won’t dare to strike at us. It may seem mad, but in this crazy world, it’s the sanest thing we could do.”
  4. Noted pacifist and tambourine artist Kitty Dredd replies, “As usual, our nation’s proud leaders can only see violent solutions to our problems abroad. Wouldn’t it be refreshing if they focused on achieving peace through communication and accommodation, rather than force of arms? You may call me a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, extreme hiring regulations mean a job in Random Chaos is often a lifetime appointment.

2022-04-21 10:30

Jobless Fair

After a much-touted job fair in Random Chaos City resulted in only two hires, the discouraged and desperate unemployed are calling for the government to step in and make job fairs more effective.

  1. “This can’t go on!” wails one forlorn job-seeker, wearing a t-shirt with her entire resume printed on it. “I’ve been to twenty-three job fairs and I haven’t gotten a single interview! There’s too much hiring through back-channel networks, like being hired just for happening to be the CEO’s cousin. Companies should be placed under a mandate to blind hire only through career fairs, with government oversight to ensure that only the most qualified applicants are being hired.”
  2. “Yeah, regulations always help businesses grow,” says Agnieszka Skywalker, CEO of Widgets Inc, her voice ripe with sarcasm. “If you want businesses to hire more people at job fairs, the government needs to relax regulations surrounding hiring and firing employees. And how about a few thousand chips tax break for each job applicant companies hire at the fairs? I promise, it’ll jump start the economy and pay for itself.”
  3. “It is obvious relying on the private sector to create jobs has failed!” wails your top Employment Minister, who also happens to be your cousin. “A well-planned state economy would fix all of this. Just think of the efficiency of it, we could simply assign people jobs, and imagine the comfort Random Chaosians would have if they knew they were assured a job before they even finished school? We could even tailor people’s education to improve their productivity at their future careers!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, stockbrokers dream of getting rich by writing textbooks.

2022-04-21 03:30

Highway Robbery by the Book!

The latest academic semester in Random Chaosian universities has kicked off, leaving students once more buying textbooks for their classes. Now, an endless sea of beleaguered twentysomethings stretches beyond the horizon, waving torches and marching on your office in protest at rapidly inflating prices of already exorbitant textbooks.

  1. “Attention, Leader!” shouts gambler physiology student Lisa Mitchell, who has a telescoped spine from carrying textbooks. “We - the oppressed, overstressed, and consistently underdressed - are tired of forgoing meals and basic comforts in order to afford the required tools for our education! We, the future of Random Chaos, have come to request that you force publishing companies to lower the price of our essential textbooks!”
  2. “Leader, don’t let those hooligans intimidate you!” says famed textbook author Goodman DiPyro. “Textbooks are an important aspect of the education experience and current market prices are reflective of this. How can a medical student identify the difference between a cyst and a lipoma without the most accurate and descriptive images possible? If anything, subsidising textbook authors and publishers will help boost the modern Random Chaosian learning experience while generously rewarding us for being so integral to the education system!”
  3. “Daddy, who let the poors out onto the front lawn?” questions Richard Kensington-Wellington III, whose famed millionaire misanthropic father is currently turning on the garden sprinklers. “The working classes should have never been allowed to study in the first place. I mean, what good does it do them? It only fills them with ridiculous aspirations above their natural station. It’s quite obvious after all that only the elite of society should be educated. All of my friends and their daddies say so! The common folk would be happier doing something useful with their lives!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's green cities are indeed concrete jungles.

2022-04-20 21:30

LEEDing From Behind

A new administrative building for the Environmental Department is under fire from watchdog groups. An investigation found — among other things — that valuable wetland was drained for the foundation, unsustainable materials were used during construction, and energy-inefficient methods were chosen for the mechanical systems.

  1. “The government needs to do better,” tuts Grace Poe, an activist planted outside the department building. “All government agencies must be required to undergo an environmental impact assessment before any proposed action — building or otherwise. Not only do agencies need to report critical habitat affected as well as embodied energy costs for materials, et cetera; they must be required to follow the most environmentally friendly option possible. If even one thing is found out of place, a project shouldn’t be allowed to go through. The conservation benefits are certainly worth it in the end.”
  2. “There’s no way that our government could afford the highest level of environmental certifications on every government building!” excitedly cautions Louis Webster, the Treasury Minister. “However, I do realize the need for our nation to be environmentally responsible. Go through with mandating a permitting process, but only for non-government construction! Let us take over the process of awarding green certification so that we can charge fees for everyone. This will be great for our nation’s treasury and our environment!”
  3. “There’s no reason to go through with this,” urges your Minister of Housing whilst urinating on a potted plant. “In fact, I say we teach these radical hippies a lesson. I have a list of the fragile habitats surrounding Random Chaos City, home to some useless endangered snail species that no one cares about except these annoying tree huggers. I’ve also got three orders filed for United Federation granite — I hear they recently opened up one of their national parks for mining. Just say the word, and these ecofascists will be living their worst nightmare. Maybe then they’ll get the message.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the people's love for Leader is little more than self-preservation.

2022-04-20 15:30

Guilt by Association

A former member of your cabinet has just been executed for masterminding a plot to assassinate you and take power. While most are now satisfied that the threat has been dealt with, one particularly paranoid adviser has raised the issue of the deceased’s family.

  1. “These scoundrels are tainted by the crime of their kin,” says one of your fervently loyal ministers, as she shows you information on the family along with their pictures. “Treachery runs in their blood and we must rip it out, root and stem. The only solution is to execute the entire family as well. If you don’t, they will rise up and destroy us in revenge for what we did... It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
  2. “Come on, what century are we living in?” inquires your niece as she gently brushes your hair with a pink My Little Horsey hairbrush. “Show some mercy and let them know that they are safe under your regime. This will show you as a merciful and compassionate ruler, and leniency may very well inspire loyalty in them. I’m sure this will alleviate any bitterness they feel about their loved one being killed.”
  3. “I’m not too sure about just letting them carry on with things as normal,” says your perpetually suspicious Secret Police Chief. “Let them think they are in your good books, but keep a close eye on them for the rest of their lives. Constant surveillance will make sure they don’t get up to anything seditious.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bins outnumber trees in city parks.

2022-04-20 09:30

Putting Your Foot in It

While out jogging in the park, you step straight into a dog’s mess. Passers-by are quick to offer advice.

  1. “Disgusting, isn’t it?” asks city worker Herb Vajiralongkorn. “If you ask me, we need to clamp down on irresponsible dog owners. All public parks should be patrolled by dog wardens, able to dish out heavy fines to those who can’t be bothered picking up what their dumb pets’ behinds leave behind.”
  2. “Like that’s going to make any difference,” sneers professional dog-walker Marleen Collins. “The problem is a lack of places to dispose of the stuff. Nobody wants to carry around a smelly bag of doo-doo until they can find a place to put it. Install more bins, and that should do the trick.”
  3. “Ugh, dogs are so disgusting,” complains ailurophile Solya Keating, as the pet cat accompanying him drops a dead bird at his feet and cleans its paws with its tongue. “Felines are much lovelier than dogs; they groom themselves constantly, and do their business in a tray, not outside like those mangy canines do. With that in mind, I propose that we restrict the ownership of dogs with hefty license fees, and use that money on a national campaign promoting the virtues of cats instead.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, books are often used as kindling.

2022-04-20 03:30

Balancing the Books

After selling just 187 copies, How to Repair Your Cat for Dummies was shockingly still the national #1 best-seller this year. In response, a small group of effete, sweater-vest-clad bookworms have used copies of War and Peas to barricade themselves in your office.

  1. “That’s truly shameful,” sighs local librarian Amber Weatherhead, pulling a copy of The Visible Hand from within the deep pockets of her overcoat. “The solution is subsidizing books. The reduced prices will encourage Random Chaosians to buy a good ol’ book again. Infinite knowledge is waiting just behind those pages, Leader. Folks just need a little nudge.”
  2. “It’s not their choice anymore,” declares your Minister of Education, while reluctantly putting down a copy of The Complete Works of Shakespeare. “People don’t realize what they are losing by not reading. If Random Chaosians stopped watching ‘The Brash and the Backstabbing’ and actually read something, we’d have a more interesting, enlightened, and productive populace. For everyone’s sake, make it mandatory to read a book every month.”
  3. “What about us?” asks the best-selling author Bax Marry, already signing a copy of his feline mending manual without you asking. “We are the ones that need help. It took five years of hard work and painful scratches to figure out how to properly cauterize a cat’s cataract. You know what we need? A little incentive to keep us inspired to make great masterpieces. Establish a government-sponsored workshop to help up-and-coming writers. I could teach them a few lessons I learned while writing my smash hit.”
  4. “Uggh, if you can’t write in three sentences or less you’re being overly wordy,” mutters one of your secretaries, while briefly scanning a summary of the erudite malcontents’ requests. “If people don’t want to read a lot, why force them?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the number of judges has tripled in recent months.

2022-04-19 21:30

Summary Injustice

An anti-corruption case accusing a Constitutional Court Judge of abusing his power was recently dismissed without trial, because the same Constitutional Court Judge said that he was ‘too tired to read the case notes’. After a week of bad press, the national ombudsman is demanding that you review the case personally, as it has become a cause célèbre within the legal community.

  1. “The system in place is a mockery of justice, beholden to the whims and corruptibility of individual judges,” lectures Ombudsman Adele Duras, who is once again concerned with the plight of the common man. “The little guy doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell when one biased judge gets to decide everything! We simply must bring back trial by jury for all criminal cases, or else our legal system will be considered as hopelessly corrupt as Maxtopia’s.”
  2. “Why would we ever trust legal judgment to the untrained and unwashed masses?” asks Justice Martin Liu over tea and scones in his tower-shaped house, which appears to be made of ivory. “Only the legal elite are sufficiently educated to decide cases properly, especially on such complicated matters as criminal law. Uphold the decision of the Constitutional Court, and let me also sentence those annoying agitators for wasting the court’s precious time with this nonsense.”
  3. “I’ll admit it: unilateral judgement is a flawed system,” observes Clotho Cerberus, one of the three Cerberus sisters, who is promptly interrupted by her sibling Lachesis Cerberus. “But I also acknowledge my sister’s point that citizen juries lack the legal knowledge to make sound judgments.” Atropos Cerberus then interrupts the other two siblings, “So why not have all courts run by a triumvirate of judges, with a two-to-one majority needed to impose sentences? That way, no one bad seed can corrupt the entire judiciary.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, radio stations offer prizes to callers who can guess this month's most endangered species.

2022-04-19 15:30

Poacher Pandemic

Poachers have hunted the great-horned gambler to the verge of extinction; the creature’s horn is commonly used as a medicinal ingredient for its alleged aphrodisiac qualities in Dàguó. With diminishing numbers of the animal left in the wild, some claim that the threat of its demise looms near.

  1. “Are we placing the interests of a few dirty old beasts over that of our citizens?” enquires notorious game hunter Aphrodite Collins, while showing you her collection of stuffed dead animal heads. “If anything the government should sell licenses to private hunters and give us the sport of putting the last of these wretched creatures out of their misery. You can give back the license fees to the taxpayers in the form of income tax cuts.”
  2. “There’s no need to be so gung-ho,” proposes park ranger Erik Keating, while showing you photos of animals he has caught and released. “The government could sell licenses to private hunters, but only to hunt the much more abundant lesser-spotted gambler. Then you can use that money to fund the conservation of the great-horned gambler. Perhaps after a few years the lesser-spotted gambler will become endangered too, but then we could just hunt something else.”
  3. “I have a way to solve this,” notes Khethiwe Reyes, your Minister for Alternative Solutions, while using lemonade to water your plants. “The great-horned gambler can live without its horn, and the horn is all the citizens of Dàguó want. Why don’t we just sedate the animals and carefully cut off the horns and sell them ourselves legally? That way the animal gets to live and we turn a profit!”
  4. “Selling the horns legally isn’t the answer,” declares mercenary Phineas Yates, while whittling a crude gambler using his over-sized hunting knife. “The trade will increase their demand, so poachers will still be around trying to get there first. This problem would be solved if there weren’t any of these poaching scum in the first place. Just pay my team a generous sum and we will kill them all for you. Then you can be sure they won’t harm these beautiful creatures ever again.”
  5. “We have to save this noble beast!” proclaims budding environmentalist Weena English, wearing a ridiculous looking fake horn on her hat in solidarity. “We need highly trained and armed park rangers to guard the remaining animals around the clock. Not only that, but also prosecute retailers who sell any product derived from the horn, as well as individuals who possess it. And we need our top scientists to work on ensuring these creatures breed more and their numbers recover. If we don’t do all these things, we could lose this amazing animal forever.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all footpaths have tollbooths.

2022-04-19 09:30

Right of Way or Wrong of Way?

An increasing number of land owners have been fencing off footpaths which run through or near their property and as a result you have been petitioned by The Ramblers’ and Hikers’ Association to allow the ‘right to roam’.

  1. Boromir Hanover, a famous hiker of Random Chaos’s countryside, storms into your office, arms waving dangerously. “These pompous land owners are fencing off hundreds of years of tradition! The public should have right of way by law! It is every man’s right to be able to enjoy the scenic beauty of our native lands and I don’t see why some toffee-nosed prat should be the only person allowed to walk around his hundreds of acres of land when most of us don’t even have one! It’s simply unforgivable! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a walk! Wherever I ruddy well like!”
  2. “It’s trespass, plain and simple,” says Ginny Nygma, wealthy owner of six mansions. “My home is my castle! If these smelly ramblers think they can abuse and defile my land, they should start thinking again! You’ve got to look at this reasonably: where people go, pollution follows. Before I know it I’m going to have litter in my fields, drunken parties in my woods, and more eroded footpaths than I can count! Will they be the ones paying to have it all maintained? Not likely! I say no to this ‘right to roam’ rubbish! This land is mine, and I intend to keep it that way.”
  3. “There’s an opportunity in every problem,” says Louis Uhura, your Minister of Rural Affairs. “And there’s always some sort of compromise. We could simply allocate some government funding to teams of environmental workers to maintain and promote our network of footpaths that anyone may use... for a price. Think of the money we could get from all those hikers and ramblers! Not to mention the tourists, birdwatchers, and hippies! Everybody wins! Except for those who can’t afford the fees, I guess, but you can’t please everyone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children seem to be getting better at lying these days.

2022-04-19 03:30

The Woman From AUNT

An intelligence team, the “Agents Undercover to Neutralize Troublemakers”, has pinpointed the headquarters of notorious crime boss Sal Bone. Unfortunately, it is concealed within a local orphanage, of which Mr. Bone is a sponsor. Lacking only a smoking gun, AUNT has come to your office with a delicate request.

  1. “AUNT would like to launch a mole operation inside the orphanage,” buzzes Special Agent Lara Walker, radioing in from an undisclosed location. “One problem: none of the team is young enough to pull off an effective inside job. We’ve been kicking around the idea of recruiting and training a few kids — maybe orphans themselves — to act as our eyes and ears. Already got a circus kid named Grayson as a potential candidate. There’s a lot of covert situations where juvenile agents could be useful. If this mission goes well, we could even expand their role into a full-time intelligence division.”
  2. “The team opinion ain’t unanimous!” yells Special Agent Cassidy Cummings, her voice crackling through the receiver. “We don’t need to endanger defenseless children! We just need to teach smaller-sized adult women how to act like kids. With a convincing enough performance, I’m sure they’ll pass as kids in no time!”
  3. “What are these fools waiting for?” bellows Colonel Kowalski, furiously switching off the communication channel. “A 90% certainty is good enough for me. The best thing to do is to stop messing about, and authorize SWAT teams to kick down doors, blast holes in walls, and raid the orphanage, ASAP. Perhaps if we had a little more efficiency, we could cut AUNT’s departmental budget, and channel it into funding actual combat-ready military counter-terrorism units.”
  4. “I represent a group which is... strongly concerned... with the ever-increasing surveillance state within this great nation,” murmurs a Random Chaosian in a dapper black suit, sidling into the room to hand you a freshly-printed business card. “Spying on a private citizen, a benefactor of an orphanage no less, is nothing less than harassment.” He gestures tenderly to a large briefcase sitting next to him. “I’m sure a... satisfactory arrangement can be reached here. You wouldn’t want to frighten some perfectly innocent children, now would you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, male med students learning female anatomy do so with their eyes tightly closed.

2022-04-18 21:30

My Eyes Are Up Here

At the latest round of meetings between Brancaland and Random Chaos, the feminine graces of one of the foreign female diplomats were notable, and Random Chaosian aides were caught staring at her in every place other than her eyes.

  1. “These damn men need to lift their eyes and close their gawping mouths!” shouts Violet Pound, leader of the Alliance For Empowering Women Who Agree With Me. “Our culture raises men to believe they can treat women however they want to, which is utterly not the case. The only way to fix this is legislating against objectification of women, and treating ogling eyes as sexual harassment!”
  2. “Seems a little harsh, no?” interjects Leroy Wickremesinghe, a human resources manager at a law firm in downtown Gambler City. “Our firm has an impeccable reputation for treating women correctly, and that is because we ensure all new hires go through a mandatory training policy teaching them that women are to be treated respectfully, chivalrously and politely. Maybe you could introduce this nationwide, and you’ll see the same results we have.”
  3. “It’s not my fault a pretty woman decided to come to the meeting,” counters one of your aides accused of having a roaming gaze. “So what if I like to give women attention? It’s natural, it’s heterosexual male biology, it’s a compliment, for goodness sake! Are we seriously considering government regulating the involuntary movements of my eyeballs? Let’s be a more permissive society, and say that people can put their gaze wherever they want.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an underground group of geologists hides new discoveries to protect them from being destroyed in the name of safety.

2022-04-18 15:30

What a Gneiss Place We’ve Got Here

A vast and seemingly endless new cave system has just been discovered in a remote section of Violetstone National Park! Despite not even having a name yet, petitioners are crowding your office telling you what to do with it.

  1. “I’m ready. Let’s do this!” shouts renowned adrenaline junkie, Weevil Knievel, waving a headlamp at you. “I am going to be the first person to ever explore this cave. It would be yet another feather in the cap of my already stellar career! Yes, I know it’s a nine day off-road trek into sensitive ecosystems. Yes, I know it will be fraught with danger and intrigue. That’s the whole point! Give me the green light... and, while you’re at it, a camera crew.”
  2. “You can’t be serious?” chastises Enrico Annan, the head of the advocacy group ‘No Safety, Know Pain’. “Who knows what kind of beasts and perils might be lurking in there? Imagine this, Leader: a good, wholesome Random Chaosian family, out having a picnic in the splendor of Violetstone National Park. Suddenly, a rare horn-billed gambler skitters by, distracting the parents. Their young son wanders off, gets lost in this deathtrap of a cave and dies! Do you want that hypothetical boy’s blood on your conscience? You must protect your citizens and seal this cave for our safety.”
  3. “Whoop-dee-doo, there’s a new cave! Get over it,” snorts Kendall Garza, one of Violetstone’s junior rangers. “You know what else is still there? Any number of trees, flowers, bunnies — you name it — all happily undisturbed by human activities. I say we keep it that way with a boost to the park budget. With more money, we can crack down on anyone who tries to illegally enter prohibited areas.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the upper class have been throwing riots after hunting was recently banned.

2022-04-18 09:30

Gambler Hunting Laws Under Dispute

The fierce debate on gambler hunting in Random Chaos has been brought to your attention after vociferous supporters of both sides of the argument stormed your parliament.

  1. “Gambler hunting is a cruel and horrible ‘sport’ for the wealthy,” says Kimberly Calder of the ‘Protect Anything Cute and Furry Society’. “How can you possibly justify it? Oh, they witter on about ‘tradition’ and ‘pest control’ and other such nonsense, but really we all know it’s because these sadists love to torture poor, innocent animals! Hunting must be banned!”
  2. “Banning gambler hunting would be the end for centuries of tradition!” wails esteemed aristocrat Tandi Hill from atop his steed. “The thrill of the chase, the baying of the hounds, the gambler scooting through the undergrowth - it would be a travesty! We provide much needed stimulus to the local tourism, and you can’t deny that gamblers are pests - killing farmers’ livestock for example! I propose that gambler hunting be encouraged, for the cultural - and economic - benefit of the nation!”
  3. “Well, you know what I think?” asks Whoopi Pavlov, while helping to assemble a small trebuchet. “I reckon that the real issue about this sport is the cruelty aspect, and no-one can deny that sending a pack of dogs to tear apart a poor, innocent gambler is cruel. I reckon we should just ban hunting with hounds and only allow kinder and more instantly lethal methods like guns, tranquillisers, and cruise missiles.”
  4. “I’m firmly against the slaughter of dumb animals,” says Colleen Wall, while feeding an infant gambler with a milk bottle. “It would be best if the animals didn’t die, and hunters could still do what they love to do - how about instead of shooting them or sending vicious canines after them, the hunter runs up to his quarry and gives it a symbolic ‘tap’ with his hand? Now isn’t that much nicer for everyone?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's new foreign policy of 'very disproportionate retribution' has its neighbors on edge.

2022-04-18 03:30

A Taste of Revenge

A spectacular but failed attempt on your life made national news today. Interrogation of captured suspects has pinned the blame on agents of the nation of Blackacre, with which Random Chaos has notoriously chilly relations. Your cabinet is divided as to how to respond.

  1. “Assassins, huh? Well, two can play at that game!” says Warren McCue, your chief military adviser. “An eye for an eye! A tooth for a tooth! An assassination for a... missed shot, I suppose. Never mind that, think of the possibilities! Not only can we strike back at the scumbags who sent this assassin after you, we can turn our attention to... ‘manipulating’ the positions of foreign leaders and political rivals that stand in the way of Random Chaos’s glory.” He then points two fingers at the wall and mouths ‘bang bang’ noises.
  2. “Sending assassins to avenge you isn’t enough!” argues hawkish talk-show host, Harambe Ebert. “The fact that Blackacre is this bold means we haven’t made them fear us yet - and a nation that isn’t feared isn’t respected. We need to do the only thing we CAN do: bomb their cities! Raise a revolution! Salt their fields! It may cost money, but our nation’s honor is priceless.”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” says the muffled voice of Marin Longfellow, an anti-violence protestor who was, until now, hiding in your air vents. “By building up our military-industrial complex, WE have become the aggressor. WE are giving nations like Blackacre good reasons to hate us! No wonder they tried to kill you - we aren’t giving them enough breathing room. If we cut back our military a bit and sent them a fruit basket now and then these problems would never happen.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Maxtopian villagers starve by the time Random Chaosian officials even file the appropriate paperwork needed to help them.

2022-04-17 21:30

Not So Cool Aid?

A review of Random Chaos’s foreign aid commitments in the fourth world recently uncovered that large parts of relief funds have trouble reaching the people truly in need. Excessive bureaucracy in the distribution system and widespread corruption at the receiving end are being flagged as major obstacles.

  1. “This confirms all of my suspicions,” smugly states Kato Knight, Minister for Modest Living and Curtailed Spending, known for his heart of stone. “These fancy-named programs - like that ‘Rural-Urban Sustainability Engagements’ - do nothing but finance the decadent luxuries of tinpot dictators: private submarine strip-clubs and collections of gilded banana hammocks! Cut all foreign aid funding and put that money back in our pockets!”
  2. “That’s painting an extremely one-sided, and state-centric, image of reality,” counters Pedro Gilbreth, a hip intern at Maxham Multinational. “If your minister had bothered reading beyond the tabloidy parts of the review, he’d see that some of the programs are actually doing wonders, like the well-known ‘Condensed Renewable Aggregation Production’. You know the common denominator of the successful ones? They’re not run by the government. Instead of mindlessly dropping all your funding, how about turning it all over to us? We’ll completely eliminate the bureaucratic mess you have today, and we’ll publish really tasteful brochures about everything that went well.”
  3. “You do know what ‘NGO’ stands for, right?” queries your trusted civil servant Victoria Miller. “It’s ‘Non-Governable Ordeals’, that’s what it is. I’m sure these... people... have pure hearts, but they’re not going to settle; they’ll have lobbyists out day and night pushing for you to increase their share of our budget. Let me and my colleagues at the Department of Bureaucratic Oversight take over our aid commitments. We’ll ensure proper implementation in no time, and with only a slight overhead.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens must pay to enjoy Random Chaos's pristine beaches.

2022-04-17 16:00

Get Efficient, Private Sector Tells Nature

A group of prominent business identities has proposed privatizing Random Chaos’s beaches.

  1. “Look, I know your nation doesn’t much like capitalists, but have you been to the beach lately? It’s disgusting,” says company spokesperson Jean-Paul Grant. “There’s litter, there’s teenagers smoking, and there are people enjoying themselves without paying for it. Let the private sector in on this, and Random Chaos’s beaches will be the talk of the region! Yes, it means ending communism, but isn’t this the noblest of reasons to do so?”
  2. “Whoa, whoa, we’re privatizing beaches now?” says local campaigner Naomi Mulcair. “These are public spaces! All Random Chaos’s citizens have a right to enjoy them, not just the well-off. Yes, we should improve the quality of our beaches, but handing them over to the money-grabbers is not the right way to do it. The right way to do it is to boost government spending by increasing taxes.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's soldiers often believe they're in the Air Force.

2022-04-17 09:30

Blitzed

Recent historical research has revealed that the Smalltopian army’s ‘Lightning War’ was ultimately successful because their troops had been given large doses of methamphetamine. Your top generals have encircled you in your office and this conversation isn’t going to be an easy trip.

  1. “The Smalltopians crushed their enemies with their Lightning War,” states Lieutenant General Bannon, well known for her singular battlefield tactic of ‘more cannon fodder’. “They marched non-stop for four days and nights through thick forest, while carrying full packs, then fought and easily defeated their foes at the end. If Random Chaos wants to win any future wars quickly and efficiently, we need to start issuing our troops with methamphetamines.”
  2. “Methamphetamine does seem to be a useful addition to a war effort,” ponders Major General Goff, who prefers to lead by example. “However, there are health issues to consider. Methamphetamine should only be given to elite troops on dangerous missions. When those missions are over, there needs to be a comprehensive rehabilitation period to make sure no one is addicted or suffering from any side effects.”
  3. “Methamphetamine is a lethal drug!” declares General Andrew Cheavers-Ciphil of the Army Medical Corps, as he hands out pamphlets on the dangers of narcotics. “If we want our troops to win battles, then they must be fully coherent and at the peak of their physical fitness — not pumped full of drugs! In fact, all forms of substance abuse must be banned in the military: narcotics, alcohol and even caffeine.”
  4. “Why only soldiers?” questions your secretary, as he grinds his teeth incessantly, makes you a drink with one hand and takes meeting minutes with the other. “Look at all this work I have piled up on my desk, not to mention all the other tasks I’m expected to carry out. There’s never enough time in the day! Dose every worker in Random Chaos with methamphetamines and see how efficient they become!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Furniture Restoration Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, marijuana is legal in the privacy of your own home.

2022-04-17 03:30

Random Chaos Awash With Red-Rimmed Eyes

National marijuana consumption has hit an all-time high, with alarming results, a new poll has found.

  1. “My factory’s productivity is down ten percent since marijuana was decriminalized,” complains employer Iris vandeBerg. “And the number of thefts from the candy machine is off the scale. This so-called ‘pot’ needs to be banned in all public places. Let the junkies do what they want at home, but not in my workplace.”
  2. “Whoa, dude, no need to get, like, you know,” says Free Your Mind campaigner Sejong Collins, from his parents’ basement. “This is, like, a personal choice issue, you know. It’s like... whoa, just back off what I want to do with my own body. Don’t let the fascists win, man. There are some hot new eckies coming in soon, they should be legal too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, relatives of recent award winners find their trophies make stylish urns.

2022-04-16 21:30

Have Your Cake and Don’t Eat It

Liara Galavan, a young dancer, recently collapsed with the complications of what was revealed to be anorexia nervosa while dancing in the small, televised role of ‘Girl Waiting for Pater Maxxmas’. National attention has now been drawn to the growing prevalence of eating disorders and related hospitalizations in Random Chaos, especially among the dance community.

  1. “Here’s some food for thought,” says psychologist Des Carter, handing you a copy of his new book Cogeato Ergo Sum: I Eat, Therefore I Am. “Eating disorders are growing year on year, in both male and female Random Chaosians. They may be the result of low self-esteem, body dysmorphia, or can be comorbid with other psychological disorders. Due to the high morbidity, it is vital that you subsidize psychiatric in-patient treatment and prevent future eating disorders by encouraging citizens to attend government funded therapy. Now, why don’t you lie down on this couch and tell me how you feel...”
  2. “Wake up and smell the coffee!” cries Honey Galavan, mother of the collapsed teenager. “The true cause of these eating disorders is all the pressure in today’s hypercompetitive, ultra-connected world. Every member of the Random Chaos City Ballet corps de ballet has a teeny-tiny waist and skinny legs, and it’s ridiculous! My poor child felt she’d never be pretty unless she was severely underweight. Sponsor media promotions of more healthy body proportions, and ban anyone who’s simply too thin from working in sport, dance, or any role where they can be seen by vulnerable youngsters!”
  3. “Please, dar-link, this ‘healthy figure’ is so last season,” scoffs cadaverous fashion magazine editor Karla Field, covering the downy hair on her emaciated arms with her plum suit’s sleeves. “Only flabby mummies who stuff their faces with fatty snack-foods object to skinny women, because they feel inferior knowing their own beautiful bones were swallowed by layers of flesh. That’s not our problem. Women who eschew the ravages of food should be praised, not labelled mentally ill. My magazine will even fund a contest to crown Miss Mosquito — the thinnest, most dietetically controlled woman in Random Chaos — and provide you with something to replace that monstrosity you’re currently wearing. How about it?”
  4. “The obvious solution to eating disorders is to ensure every Random Chaosian gets the right calories and nutrients,” interjects your Minister of Health, Lettuce McGuffin. “And how? With a simple law requiring that every citizen eats healthily and to the exact amount required, enforced by monitoring eyes in kitchens, regulated mealtimes, government distributed shopping lists and recipes and ‘clean plate monitors’ to help everybody finish their din-dins... even if they don’t want to. As the icing on the cake, this would also allow us to prevent people from becoming overweight. Of course, it’ll require a lot of oversight, and control of the national food supply, but my department can handle it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cremation is compulsory for the deceased.

2022-04-16 15:30

A Grave Problem

As cemeteries across Random Chaos are beginning to reach their full capacities, citizens are demanding that the government step in to rectify the situation before the bodies start to pile up.

  1. “The expansion of cemeteries must end if the remaining government land is to benefit the economy,” says the Minister of Death, Casimir Scully. “What I propose is that we declare all graves over, say, ten years old, as vacant. And then dump a new corpse in it. Hey, nobody objects to sharing a university dormitory with another person, why should they object to sharing their grave?”
  2. “Burial plots are so expensive these days, few people are opting for them anyway,” says Retirement Home owner, Heather Barber. “Let’s just go for that final push and make cremation compulsory. Some people may not be happy with it, but when you get right down to it, it’s only setting fire to their loved ones against their will - you must agree that that’s less important than expanding suburban development.”
  3. “This is horrendous,” says Marcus Golightly, whose partner recently passed away. “Whatever happened to choice? When my Henry died, he was promised an eternal resting place; a place where his name would stand and he would be remembered. Having it disturbed by ‘newcomers’ or enforcing cremation is a slur against him and the rest of Random Chaos’s deceased citizens! If you have any compassion in your soul, then you’ll acknowledge a grave as being a sacrosanct area. The dead must be allowed to rest in peace.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, radio shows frequently feature people denouncing religion.

2022-04-16 09:30

Nobody Expects the Random Chaosian Inquisition!

Some key figures of Random Chaos’s major religious groups have requested government sponsorship for the institution of an inquisition to try heretics and blasphemers.

  1. Cardinal Mortimer Gratwick, Archbishop of Random Chaos City, demands you kiss his ring before telling you, “The Church encourages the formation of an Inquisition. However, it will only be to try those in error and put them on the right track to holiness; you needn’t worry about those nasty thumb-screws and we haven’t had a rack in ages, so we won’t be torturing people. Of course, in order to bring this noble plan into effect, the Holy Office must have jurisdiction over the civil courts.”
  2. “This is bloody outrageous!” screams Dennis Cox, head of the nation’s most important civil liberties movement, People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything, while jumping up and down in front of a television camera. “These damn ultra-conservatives will plunge us all into chaos! Random Chaos can never have an Inquisition! Everyone should have the right to think, say, believe, etc, whatever the damn they please. When was the last time you released a dove on a monthly basis? Huh? HUH?! That’s what I thought! It’s time to move beyond these primitive beliefs!”
  3. “The people of Random Chaos need more than an Inquisition,” pronounces Jessica Kiefaber, known fundamentalist tele-preacher, who pauses hawking the complete DVD collection to make some demands. “We must persecute all those who do not live according to the Book! The Lord has told me that the time has arrived to bring back the good old days! Back when we didn’t have all these touchy-feely, fuzzy-headed punishments. Prison? Ha! Like that’s a punishment! Stick those heathens in the stocks, or even better: bring back stonings! It’ll bring us into a new golden age!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Hide and Seek with Cuddle Bear is the most popular video game in the nation.

2022-04-16 03:30

Plug in and Play

Bored by their games of breeze block Tetris and live action Pong, former gamers have arrived in droves to protest against the ban on video games. The gamers, dressed as their favorite Maxémon characters, have asked that you bring back their controllers and consoles.

  1. “Well, um... you see here, this research shows that video games improve hand-eye coordination, decision-making skills, and encourage creativity and problem solving,” mumbles the meek, bespectacled, and incredibly uncharismatic Barbie Biscuitbarrel, shuffling some papers on your desk awkwardly. “I mean, yeah, the games can be addicting and maybe some people were copying what they were doing in the games in real life. You still shouldn’t punish everyone just because some noobs can’t tell the difference between fiction and reality.”
  2. “Our children have never been healthier!” joyously exclaims your Minister For Youth And Families, pushing aside disgruntled teens. “Children are actually bothering to learn about their world and getting fresh air and exercise. The problem isn’t that they haven’t got their digital toys. The problem is that you haven’t given them anything to replace it with. Fund more museums, parks, and libraries, and force these tykes to make use of them. The next generation will be better than ever! Sure, it might cost a pretty penny, but it’s for the children.”
  3. “For the children?” yells the stern 64-Star Commodore Fyodor Gutnick, causing the younger children to run away in tears. “When I was a kid, nobody cared about what I wanted. I studied, exercised, and worked my behind off, as these punks should be doing now!” The Commodore glares at the remaining children, causing them to flee the room. “If our children had mandatory exercise or military school, then they won’t need video games. We’d turn these hooligans and nerds into model citizens in mere weeks!”
  4. “Okay, maybe we shouldn’t go that far,” muses your cat-obsessed secretary who has pictures of her felines scattered all over your office. “Why not allow some games, but just not the violent ones? There’s nothing wrong with innocent games like Gumdrop Kart and Halo Kitten. Just allow games that any child can play without being scared or inclined to violence, and set up a council to rate the games. That way everyone is happy.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tech-mad citizens think that the laser-powered bread-slicer uPhone App is the coolest thing since sliced bread.

2022-04-15 21:30

Fair to Say...?

At last year’s World Fair many said that Random Chaos’s exhibition pavilion was “okay, considering,” and “not bad, for a nation on a tight budget.” This year, national organizers want to make your expo presence bigger, better, and more impressive than ever before.

  1. “We need more shiny stuff! We need lasers, and twenty-foot-tall robots!” squeaks General Cinna Honda, hoverboarding excitedly round you in a wide circle. “Let’s show off our tech to the rest of the world! We need flying cars and... and... cybergamblers! Yes, a cybergambler, with a frickin’ laser beam on its head!”
  2. “My, how gauche!” sneers Martina Amis, an esteemed novelist. “Culture is the lifeblood of Random Chaos. We should create a gallery-slash-library to celebrate Random Chaos’s arts and literature abroad. Nothing less could represent our brilliance.”
  3. “Give the fair-goers what they want! FOOOOOOOOD!” yells Adam Richbloke, a generously proportioned foodie holding a generous portion of battered chicken chunks. “Visitors to the fair aren’t going to visit every tent; you know how many nations there are in the world now? But everyone has gotta eat! Chocolate doughnut lasagna, deep-fried pancake soups and orange truffle crabcakes with butter, pork and loads of sweet custard. Hmm, hmmm, hmmm, looks like everyone will be stopping by the Random Chaos pavilion!”
  4. “We’re glossing over a real opportunity here,” says Carla Marks, a vocal advocate for global communism. “Across the world, citizens are suffering in poverty and being oppressed by the capitalist miser-nations. This is our chance to give communism a voice on the global stage, and to use that voice to point out the sickening excesses of neighbouring nations!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the deaf are perplexed when the weather report tells them that the wind will be "bringing some rain along the Nazi ghosts".

2022-04-15 15:30

Some People Never Listen

Two senior officials caught having affairs, five separate expenses scandals and the leaking of top-secret plans for the Cabinet Secretary’s birthday party is usually more than enough to cover in one public announcement. You were therefore surprised to find that another issue altogether has caught the public’s attention: activists representing the nation’s deaf and hearing-impaired communities have taken you to task over the lack of a Random Chaosian Sign Language interpreter at your public addresses.

  1. “Being deaf doesn’t have to be an impairment, so don’t make it one,” signs activist Rosalina Mendez, adding a few more vulgar hand gestures that you are sure aren’t official sign language. “Having an interpreter is the least you could do. Deaf people in Random Chaos are subject to a harmful mix of preconceptions and ignorance, so it’s about time you listened to us. Perhaps you could also establish a national ‘Deaf Awareness Week’ to celebrate the contributions deaf people have made to society, and to persuade organisations and individuals to bear us in mind.”
  2. “I’m not paying for that!” scoffs your Minister of Equality, facing away from the activist to deter lip reading. “I watched an address by the leader of Albionia last month and was thoroughly distracted by a man waving his hands about and pulling faces behind her. She may not have died on stage, but it was a near-deaf experience! If these deaf people really want to know what’s going on, they can watch us on the television and just turn the subtitles on. Automatic closed captioning is getting really good these days, and preserves the dignity of your excellent oratory.”
  3. “Speaking to the public is overrated, and clearly a waste of your valuable time,” your crusty Minister of Public Relations whispers, his dry lips all but brushing against your ear. “As long as you do the job well, the people of Random Chaos won’t care what goes on behind closed doors. And if things don’t go to plan, well, won’t you be glad you don’t have to talk to them?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens who want to celebrate the holidays generally deck the halls with old newspaper trimmings and dirty socks.

2022-04-15 09:30

Commercial Tidings Well in Advance

The holiday season is commonly regarded as a wonderful time of the year when families can get together, share in good times, and give each other plenty of gifts. Of course, this hasn’t gone unnoticed by the corporate sector, as many big-name companies have chosen to begin advertising their holiday-related products many months in advance. This has left many citizens confused, frustrated, and in need of your guidance.

  1. “This is ludicrous!” shouts one unhappy young adult who somehow managed to stroll into your office, waving around a “New Year’s Sale” advertisement that was issued in the month of September. “Why are they telling us about all these Violet-darned holidays so early? It’s absolute madness. Pranksgiving hasn’t even hit yet and they’re talking about Life Day like it was tomorrow! This flagrant consumerism must be stopped. I demand that you make it so companies can only have holiday-relevant advertisements and decorations during the month of the respective holiday.”
  2. “Let’s not get too hasty,” states a portly, white-bearded gentleman in jolly attire who claims to be the CEO of a major toy company. “Sometimes people need to take a while to think over what kind of presents they should get for their loved ones. That’s why we find it necessary to remind them so early that the holidays are approaching. We just want to give our customers enough time to decide what to buy. You know, maybe you could help by mentioning the upcoming festivities in your speeches. Ho ho ho!”
  3. “I agree that the government should stay out of this,” states Lieutenant General Regulus Larkin, who dropped by your office to discuss border security. “However, there should be an exception for the holidays that are actually important, such as Military Heroes of the Free Land Day. We must mandate that all businesses devote an equal amount of attention to patriotic celebrations as they do the other holidays, like the Feast of Saint Mauve that those Violetists are always going on about. Personally, I don’t know why you’d want to celebrate a demented old lady who ate a dozen human hearts in a single day, but to each his own I suppose.”
  4. “The capitalist pigs continue to show their true colors!” cries a woman wearing a hammer-and-sickle shirt and waving around a red flag. “All this blatant consumerism is brainwashing the workers into buying their horrible products months in advance. This is how they do business, by leeching off of the hard work of the laborers and pressuring them to buy, buy, buy all throughout the year, holiday or not. Leader, you MUST ban all capitalism to ensure that these money-grubbers will be unable to prosper except by serving the masses!”
  5. “The blasphemy on display here is completely atrocious!” announces popular televangelist Zelda Sajak, adorned in sequined priestly attire. “Truly, these heathenish money-changers only see Maxxmas and the other holidays as a celebration of profits. Our people are forgetting the all-important meaning of this most sacred time of the year. Let us ensure that all commercials aired during the holiday season contain very strong and prominent reminders of our glorious faith. Oh, and of course it wouldn’t hurt to include a special reminder about my own role in the Grand Design.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government subsidizes everything from particle physics to fabric softeners.

2022-04-15 03:30

Defending Patent Pending

Pear Industries, one of Random Chaos’s largest consumer electronics companies, wishes to bring a lawsuit against a small technology firm for making use of a piece of electronics they developed. The smaller firm is imploring the government to maintain its recent anti-copyright laws, which they claim legally extend to patents.

  1. “Patents are simply a tool for large companies to abuse entrepreneurs and the consumer!” argues small-time inventor and part-time champagne socialist, Winston Belcher. “They use their huge legal departments to muscle out any smaller company that might ‘pose a threat’. The government’s ban of patents gave us all access to the advances those fat-cats have been sitting on all these years. You want to throw that all away so some guy can add a few more zeros to the end of his bank account?”
  2. “My team poured years of research and millions of chips into developing this component,” claims Pear’s dressed-down CEO, Steve Tasks. “It’s our blood, sweat and tears that led to this breakthrough. You must allow companies greater claim over their discoveries. We need patents. We need copyrights. They are the incentive that keeps inventors inventing. Respect patents and reinstate copyrights or research will come to a stand-still, and our country will become a technological backwater devoid of any semblance of innovation.”
  3. “The only thing that’s clear from this is that SCIENCE isn’t getting enough funding,” grumbles eminent, if notoriously disaffected, physicist Cleveland Grimes. “The only reason we have to spend so much effort protecting our discoveries is because we’re so worried about where our next paycheck is coming from. If the government opened up its coffers to eager scientists, this whole debate would simply go away. Not to mention that government could lay claim to any particularly intriguing discoveries...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, retirement apartments house giggling grannies who delightedly watch blank TVs all day long.

2022-04-14 21:30

All the Lonely People

Random Chaos City University researchers have reported that as many as 1 in 3 people in Random Chaos may be suffering from chronic loneliness. Studies say this is causing considerable harm to people’s health, as dangerous as smoking a pack of cigarettes each day.

  1. “The problem here is social isolation,” observes lead researcher Dr. Elena Rugby, who is plastered with a distracting amount of facial make-up. “Lonely people could just use some government-funded opportunities where they can meet up and chat, get-togethers where they might find the man of their dreams after being left at the altar thirty-two long years ago.” She sighs wistfully and averts her gaze.
  2. “No, the problem here is perceived social isolation, not actual isolation,” interrupts co-researcher Mackenzie Thomas, talking to you via a carefully crafted sock puppet on his right hand. “Mr. Sock here thinks that it’d be better to provide counseling and drugs to brighten up life. You’re only alone if you feel alone.” He pecks Mr. Sock on the ‘cheek’ and smiles happily.
  3. “No, no, no! The problem here is that these socialists are attempting to isolate big government solutions,” complains socialite Daisy Hawkins, smoothing out her second-hand green velvet jacket. “If you really want people to be less lonely, then cut back income tax a bit, and they’ll have more disposable income to get out and meet people. More money equals more happiness!”
  4. “No, no, no. And no. The problem here is social isolation being seen as undesirable,” comments introvert Ringo Harrison, offering his thoughts softly from behind a pair of face-obscuring sunglasses. “Wouldn’t the world be better if everyone just stopped all this inane chatter and got on with some quiet reading? Oh, there’s an idea: maybe you could make two hours every evening into no-contact time, where people aren’t allowed to talk or interact with each other. That’d be... nice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation has been declared a nuclear-free zone.

2022-04-14 15:30

Random Chaos Narrowly Misses Nuclear Accident

When everyone in a city of northern Random Chaos coincidentally flushed their toilets at the same time, it nearly caused a meltdown at the local nuclear power plant. Now, protesters have taken to the streets over the possible safety hazards of such structures.

  1. “These plants are a constant danger to our environment and our way of life! They must be banned!” shouts Usman Bergman, pointing dramatically at the sky. “Day by day they churn radiation into our air and into our water! They dump toxic waste in our soil and do, ooh, terrible things! Yes, miners, nuclear engineers, scientists, et cetera will lose their jobs and electrical power prices will soar, but it’s worth it to know my town isn’t going to suddenly become a glowing crater.”
  2. “This is being blown way, way out of proportion,” says Caliban Gutierrez, the power plant’s supervisor. “Nuclear power is perhaps one of the safest sources of electrical power. This was an isolated incident; the fact that it DID happen is enough to make me believe pigs are going to start sprouting wings! All of these over-the-top safety rules are just eating away at the budget anyway. Cut us some slack, eh? I can promise you that this will never, ever, ever happen again. Probably.”
  3. “I think we simply need to be more careful,” says Harriet Negan, your Minister of Safety. “There may be an issue with these plants, which can only be solved by upgrading to the latest state-of-the-art safety systems. There may be an issue with the employees which can only be solved by stringent training and only hiring the best of the best. I’m not going to lie to you, it will be very expensive, but the people need a stable supply of electricity, not worries of mutated radioactive monsters eating people’s brains. Seriously.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most people suffer from some form of hearing loss.

2022-04-14 09:30

The Silence and the Fury

A large, silent mass of people have staged a sit-in around the government buildings in Random Chaos City to protest noise pollution.

  1. The leader of the protest, Sy Lance, slips a handwritten letter across your desk. It reads: “The noise level in this city has become simply unbearable. I cannot walk down the street without having my delicate auditory faculties assaulted! For the sake of the nation’s hearing, you must enact stricter noise pollution laws. I implore you!”
  2. “WHAT?! YOU WANT TO BAN NOISE?! WELL, SOME OF US AREN’T OVERSENSITIVE! WE LIKE NOISE!” bellows a local construction worker. “I DON’T BUST MY HUMP WORKING DAY IN AND DAY OUT JUST TO HAVE THESE SISSIES TELL ME I NEED TO KEEP IT DOWN! WE DEMAND THE RIGHT TO MAKE AS MUCH NOISE AS WE WANT, WHATEVER THE TIME, WHEREVER THE PLACE!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, officials pull all-nighters to check immigrants for potential links to terrorists.

2022-04-14 03:30

A Wolf in Refugee’s Clothing

After it became clear that a recent mass shooting in Maxtopia was an act of terror by a Lilliputian Ultra-Violetist who entered Maxtopia by claiming refugee status from the ongoing Lilliputian Civil War, Random Chaosians are demanding you find a way to keep terrorists out of Random Chaos.

  1. “We have to balance safety with helping people who are just looking for a better life,” states Minister of Internal Affairs, Susie MacIntyre, while drinking her half-full cup of coffee. “Why don’t we just carefully screen potential refugees to see if they have any connections to terrorists? I’m sure with some elbow grease and stick-to-it-osity we’ll be able to effectively process all these immigration applications. And I’m sure when those poor refugees meet the welcoming Random Chaosian people, the trauma of years of atrocity-filled civil war will be wiped away!”
  2. “Background checks will not work,” bluntly declares Minister of Homeland Insecurities Kanye Simpson, while staring at his half-empty water glass. “Bureaucracies are simply just too slow and unreliable to do it successfully. We need something that’s sure to keep out terrorists. Let’s bar anyone who is associated with Ultra-Violet havens like Lilliputia from entering the country. Sure, some people will be whining about freedoms, but who cares? They’re not even Random Chaosian.”
  3. “No!” cries Clover Moonshine, your Minister of Good Vibrations. “We’d be giving terrorists metaphysical ammo against us. And surely you can’t be heartless to refugees who are only trying to find safety for their families. Studies have shown the most effective teams are from diverse backgrounds. We should open the borders to everyone, no questions asked. I say our policy should be: give us your tired, your poor, your huddled mass shooters. What? We can rehabilitate them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dreams of entering the Super League have been relegated to the history books.

2022-04-13 21:30

Kicking Out the Competition

The top clubs in the nation’s Gamblerball League have expressed interest in leaving the domestic competition to join the closed, elite The Hatrackia Gamblerball Super League instead. Gamblerball fans are worried that the state of competition in Random Chaos will suffer as a result.

  1. “Fans. Before. Funds.” gasps gamblerball fan Minerva Goff, putting her vuvuzela down after blowing it between each word. “Any plucky team should have the chance to compete against the best through gumption and a love of the sport. Our teams shouldn’t be denied this chance just because the filthy rich teams want to run off to the Super League to schmooze with the elites. They should remain where they are. Come on, ref!”
  2. “This is the invisible boot of the free market at work!” says Theseus Montgomery, the owner of Athletico Random Chaos City who’s been too busy to attend his own team’s matches for over two years. “The opportunities are endless. Television rights, tourists flocking to our shiny new stadiums, the exposure of our players across The Hatrackia! Besides, what would you rather watch? Athletico beating the Tumbleweed Minnows into a pulp or Athletico squaring off against the likes of Foxchester United in a weekly, televised spectacle? I know which one I’d choose.”
  3. “If you ask me, there’s a better way,” claims your groundskeeper, a connoisseur of obscure sports. “I’ve seen gridiron played over in the United Federation where the worst teams get the best rookies from a draft system. Picks, fair and simple, just like how I choose the flowers for your garden each year. Why not enforce that system here? It’d certainly level the playing field and remove all the exclusivity and unlimited money surrounding the established teams.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids are told they can be whoever they want to be when they grow up.

2022-04-13 15:30

A New Age

57-year-old Dixie Sims has petitioned the government to legally allow her to change her age to 40.

  1. “My body is a temple,” states Sims, frowning over her current life insurance policy. “I have taken excellent care of my health all my life, and although I am considered 57 by the establishment’s calendar, I feel — and look — no more than 40. Being 57 is the bane of my life; I can’t get a new job as employers think I only have a couple of years left in me, and I never get any replies from my dating profile! People can change their identity in many ways. Why not their age as well?”
  2. “Is she for real?” questions Jasper Berenstein, your 45-year-old adviser, who feels and looks 45 years old. “This woman is just an attention-seeker. No one can deny the passage of time, no matter how many vitamin smoothies they drink. While we’re on this subject, you should be spending more government money on a database to record every detail of people’s identities, and make it a matter of serious fraud to mislead anyone as to your true age.”
  3. Suddenly, your door bursts open and in runs your six-year-old nephew. “Grrrr, I want to be a dinosaur! Mum says that you can legally make me a dinosaur, and my sister wants to be a unicorn. Please, please, please, please, please!”
  4. “I can’t help but wonder if Dixie Sims’s motivation is simply survival,” observes your Minister for Population Control. “Maybe if we were to undo our policy of executing the elderly, then we wouldn’t be dealing with this nonsense. And then, I could go back to the Ministry of Fisheries. I like fisheries. Fresher air. Easier to sleep at night. Less screaming.” The minister sighs and returns to his paperwork.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, putting a mustache on a banknote is considered defacing a national monument.

2022-04-13 09:30

Who’s in Your Wallet?

After some years in circulation, it’s time for a new set of banknotes to be issued in Random Chaos. With a growing rumbling of dissatisfaction among segments of society who are unhappy with the lack of diversity of those depicted on the current notes, your ever-besieged office is now besieged by numismatic malcontents wanting to have their say.

  1. “Every time I open my wallet, I see the same old dead farts staring back at me,” bemoans Leia Crane, ringleader of the aptly named Got Change? movement, whilst waving a wad of notes about. “Let’s face it, this country has changed a lot since these people were slapped on our notes — but we’ve had the same people on them since the stone age! We need to depict minorities and women, and celebrate unsung heroes like authors and scientists! Show the world who truly made Random Chaos great!”
  2. “By Violet’s ponytail, is nothing sacred?” decries staunch conservative Roger de la Rue, frantically waving a small Random Chaosian pennant. “First they came for our national anthem, then our holidays, now even our cash has to be changed to coddle the feelings of these kooks! Well, no more I say, the buck stops here! It should be a crime even calling for the alteration of our national symbols, customs, and institutions!”
  3. “It’s time to use the change in notes as a great propag... I mean, chance to increase the population’s affection and devotion towards Your Excellency,” says a finger-twiddling toady advisor. “If anyone should grace our nation’s currency, it’s you. L’état, c’est toi, non?” The finger-twiddling continues unabated in the midst of a cackle.
  4. Finally, your mother chimes in with more of her infamous unsolicited advice. “Now, now dear. I know your little niece wants some famous nickelodeon personae on our bills, and some other chaps want esteemed alchemists and so on. But why not just please everyone and have nobody shown on our notes? Avoid controversy this way. Just put happy little trees, or a gambler, celebrating the nature of our beautiful country. Wouldn’t that just be lovely to have cute, little gamblers smiling back at you every time you go to pay for your morning tea and porridge?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tensions between the young and old have risen to record levels.

2022-04-13 03:30

Maison d’Être?

With housing costs rising at a ridiculous rate, younger citizens find themselves about ten times as unlikely to own a home as their parents. Perturbed youngsters, disgruntled businessmen and the obliviously privileged are shouting at you to do something; anything, really.

  1. “Where in Violet’s name are these poor kids supposed to live?” cries Ernie Flanders, an elderly, yet surprisingly hip, politician, speaking from the comfort of his second-home garden patio. “This new generation is our future, and we cannot turn away and leave them out in the cold. The government must take charge and push through a massive erection of affordable homes in order to shelter these youngsters. And the top 1% should pay for it; it’s about time that they started paying their fair share.”
  2. “As if the youth of today needed any more excuses to be lazy,” sputters construction mogul and landlord extraordinaire Somkenechukwu Buytoleto. “The real problem here is obviously the draconian government planning regulations and ridiculous safety standards you have in place, stifling development and creative solutions. Let the free market take its course and I’ll have all kinds of houses up all over the place. All involved will profit: it will create jobs, get rid of superfluous greenery and settle the problem of homeless ingrat... eh, young people...”
  3. “Oh heavens, all of that sounds completely unnecessary, if you ask me,” interjects Askia Stark, your Minister For Tea And Scones, while preparing warm milk for stray undergrads. “We needn’t do much to make housing more available, really. People like me and others of my generation have more than enough space, be it in our townhouses or the cottage up-north. So why can’t the little ragamuffins come stay with us? They could help out around the house to earn their keep, so to speak. Some of my neighbors might need a little government ‘encouragement’, but all in all, no complete overhaul required.”
  4. “It’s so stupid,” says coffee shop barista Carmen Brown, her milk-steamer fueled solely by resentment towards anyone over the age of forty. “The banks and the old people, like, ruined the economy and everything with their years of loose lending and grabbing anything with a roof; it’s so totally their fault. Haha, what if the government like maxed out taxes on second-homes and upped the interest rates on the oldies’ debts by, like, really, really lot of percentages or whatever. You know, to balance out the damages caused to the housing market. That would be so funny.”
  5. “Oh where is your spirit of adventure?” exclaims Kima Hawke, chair of the homeowners association Heart Of Darkness. “What we have is an abundance of young people slouching around without house or home, correct? I say we send them off with a couple of muskets and bayonets to find their own place in the world; settle new colonies and bring the light of Random Chaos to all corners of the world! It might affect domestic labor availability slightly, but think of the wealth we would collect with all of the new territory.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sections of the police receive paramilitary training.

2022-04-12 21:30

Police on Overkill Mode?

When the police recently used a main battle tank to stop a robbery in downtown Random Chaos City, many questioned whether the police should be buying up army surplus.

  1. “I thought the police were there to make things better!” cries Christopher Rifkin, gesturing towards the devastated shopfront. “One moment I was being held up by a guy in a mask. The next thing I know a 50 ton war machine is roaring through my shop! Instead of some derelict stealing the money in the till, the police pulverized the entire building! Surely that tank was overkill? They’re cops, not commandos.”
  2. The offending tank drives up to your office with sirens blaring, stopping just before it hits the building. The tank’s turret swivels towards your head, then the hatch swings open and Officer Hope Yossef pops out. “Howdy! So ... you heard about that robbery we crushed - literally - downtown with Bessie here? I just want to say that militarization is the best thing that ever happened to law enforcement. Never been easier to strike fear into the hearts of criminals! In fact, you should loosen the rules of procurement for police equipment. Then we could have some real toys! To deal with gangs, of course, not to run around like drunken idiots.”
  3. “Officer Friendly here appears to overestimate the logical potential for heavy weaponry in everyday law enforcement,” complains Chief of Department Maximus Falopian while glaring at the tank outside your office. “Special weapons and tactics have their place in hostage negotiation and riot control, but they shouldn’t be deployed routinely. We should have heavily armed paramilitary police units, but they should be elites reserved for exceptional circumstances.”
  4. The tank drives off, ruining the gardens around your office. “I can’t believe you let amateurs use heavy armor,” comments Sigourney Mann, a military attaché from Maxtopia. “Occupying unruly neighborhoods can reduce unrest, but only if the job is done by professionals. Let the army handle all police work from now on, and you won’t have untrained idiots demolishing every street sign in their path. Nothing maintains law and order quite like the barrel of a gun and a proper curfew.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, brave curators do battle with disorganised government libraries.

2022-04-12 15:30

Raiders of the Lost Archive

News has reached your ears that a long-lost governmental document - known only as the Directiones Ad Balneo - has been finally discovered by a group of archivists that had adventured deep into the immense Random Chaos City Archives. Not wanting to risk their lives with such spelunking again, the archivists have petitioned the government to properly organise all of its innumerable files and records.

  1. “We almost lost Alexander to the jaws of a great book avalanche!” raves Efthamia Hunt, the archivist who led the expedition. “This whole thing was expensive, dangerous, and exhausting. You have to get your lackeys to go through every document we have and organise them, so that we don’t have to endure something like this again. Your team has to be ruthless and destroy any document that’s obsolete or redundant!” She grabs you tightly, and pulls you towards her. “Please, don’t send me back into that maw of legality and horror.”
  2. “A disorganised library is one with character,” argues Jethras Plath, picking up a discarded copy of a constitutional document. “These assortments of books act as reminders of our nation’s past, and they can act as a blueprint for the future. We have placed these records here over the years to preserve them and use them as bricks in an architectural masterpiece of colossal scale; it would be unwise to recklessly catalogue them in the pursuit of some notion of organisation. Besides, our government is running just fine and we have more important things to worry about.”
  3. “What’s to stop a thief from waltzing into those archives and stealing top-secret documents?” exclaims Natalie Webster, a prominent member of the Random Chaosian military. “It is clear that all of this bureaucratic faffing about is stifling Random Chaos’s actions. I propose that we transfer all confidential files to the military’s safe and secure hands, and rid ourselves of the other... disposable pieces of paperwork. After all, an efficient nation is one that does not look back into the pitiful past.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, priceless Maxtopian artwork can often be found in executive bathrooms.

2022-04-12 09:30

The Artwork in the Attic

After the death of the wealthy Maxtopian immigrant Emmeline Erica Plath, a large stash of paintings, many of which are believed to have been produced by the most notable artists in the history of Maxtopia, was found in her attic. With no will to reference, it is up to the government to decide what should be done with the discoveries.

  1. “Emmeline decided to make Random Chaos her home,” comments Rupert Weber, the Minister of Fine Arts, who was a close friend of the deceased woman. “I know her character well enough to say that she would want her collection to remain here. She was a patron of the arts; I suggest we make an endowment to the Random Chaos City Museum in her name. The Maxtopians are welcome to visit the museum and pay to see the paintings like anyone else.”
  2. “Pay to see them!” gasps Alexei Deming, the Maxtopian Minister of Culture and part-time art critic. “There are paintings of great historical and cultural value to my country in that collection! They should be returned to Maxtopia with all due haste! Just imagine ‘The Fall of St. Barrysburg’ hanging on the walls of the Maxtopian town house of Wilhelm Latham, as the noises of war reached his ears from outside his study. Does it not stir your soul?”
  3. “Why not put them up for auction?” asks auction master Peter Sanchez with a dramatic flourish of his gavel. “That way whoever wants them the most will purchase them. Do I hear wealthy Maxtopians? Museum curators? Do I hear eccentric collectors? SOLD! to the highest bidder and money in the government coffers to boot!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens and the Top 5% for Largest Furniture Restoration Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government ministers claim to ride dragons to work.

2022-04-12 03:30

Here Be Dragons?

The discovery of an ancient map that says “Here Be Dragons” at an archaeological dig close to Random Chaos City has generated a storm of public interest, and a disturbingly high percentage of the population has indicated on a survey that they actually believe dragons exist.

  1. “Do we really have to go through this again?” sighs Education Minister Sasha Medina, while reading through a woefully inaccurate high school history textbook. “The map was obviously just talking about lizards or something. Dragons aren’t real! If the people really are this credulous, then it’s just a sign that we need to give the education budget another boost. If you need the funding, you can take it from that religious ministry. It’s that superstitious mumbo-jumbo that has people believing in imaginary creatures anyway.”
  2. “It most certainly does not!” protests Religious Affairs Minister Anna Stephenson. “Do you really think our sacred books are full of seven-headed ten-crowned dragons? If you want to find someone to blame, the fault is clearly with those godless fantasy authors and television producers, filling our young people’s heads with rubbish and anti-religious propaganda. We must censor works like that hedonistic Play of Crowns series so they can’t corrupt our children!”
  3. “Okay, so dragons don’t exist... yet,” agrees Minister of Science and Technology Enrique Burke, while poking a strange-looking animal with a cattle prod. “Although with recent advances in biological splicing, who knows? If you allotted a little extra in the budget for science, and eased up on some of those research restrictions, we could start creating all sorts of creatures in our labs. Maybe we could even try a field test of Prototype #42?”
  4. “I’m not sure there’s anything actually wrong with the public believing dragons exist,” muses Minister of Whispers Kendra Head, while feeding a flock of little birds. “If you ask me, they’ve been getting a little uppity lately. Remember that protest last week, simply because you wanted to erect your statue in Random Chaos City Square? Let’s start spreading rumours that you really do have dragons - a whole flight of them! They’ll think twice about speaking out over the new tax bill then! Fire and blood!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, burnt-out forty-foot-tall wicker men dot the countryside.

2022-04-11 21:30

A Question of Bad Faith

The Movementarians, the infamous cult associated with a mass suicide in the United Federation, has expressed interest in purchasing a vacant plot of land in Random Chaos. Many fear that they intend to use the land for another ritual group self-sacrifice, while the Movementarians insist it will be for purely “peaceful and spiritual” experiences.

  1. “Random Chaos believes in freedom of religion, does it not?” asks Bianca Day, the only survivor of the now infamous Maxo Siege. “If you truly intend to live up to that claim, then you must allow my group to purchase the land. In fact, we’re prepared to offer you a lot of chips for it, and we’ll pay you even more if you’ll look the other way after we set up shop. Religion is a deeply personal experience. We’re not up to anything suspicious, after all.”
  2. “You can’t listen to that violent nut job!” exclaims Gombu Laine, the ambassador from the United Federation, adjusting his over-sized Stetson and shooting open his bottle of beer with a .44 Magnum. “There’s a reason why this cult is illegal even in the liberty-loving Federation. The Movementarians’ actions caused the deaths of over six hundred people! Unless you want the same to happen here, you must ban them from setting foot in your country.”
  3. “There must be a compromise!” insists relationship counsellor Lisbeth Rudd. “I say let them buy the land, but only if they agree to strict police supervision. Their faith doesn’t entitle them to break the laws of the land, nor keep people there against their will. They may not like the invasion of privacy, but at least this is a fair balance between religious freedom and the rule of law.”
  4. “Um, aren’t all religions technically cults with their indoctrination and rabid hatred of all non-believers?” queries popular atheist speaker Ryan Alvarez. “Just think about how much oppression and war are caused by these kooks and their invisible sky fairies! Better yet, think about how much scientific and social progress we can make without them getting in the way. Why not declare all religions to be cults and outlaw the lot of them? Random Chaos would be much better off.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, maintaining economic growth is no laughing matter.

2022-04-11 15:30

Time to Get Serious

It’s a slow news day, and so a recent study by the Scientific Centre of Analytical Metadata is getting considerable attention. After a decade of expensive travel to exotic climes, researchers have concluded that nations where people laugh more have a lower GDP. Your advisers have gathered to find out what you want to do.

  1. “That’s just a funny coincidence!” yells joke shop manager Barbara Rhodes as she waves a rubber-chicken at you, her cheeks puffed out in anger. “Laughter is a tonic! Laughter is the best medicine! If you take away laughter, you destroy the beating heart of Random Chaos! Dismiss this crackpot theory and keep the joy that makes Random Chaos so great... by subsidising the humour-retail industry!”
  2. “At last! The link is proven!” notes clothes factory director Ozai Yeltsin as he spies on his staff through CCTV. “I last smiled seventy-two years ago and it is an accident I have striven not to repeat! Every day, the girls who should be working my machines are just laughing. I keep telling them to keep their heads down, but they keep on giggling and smiling and... oh, they’re so disobedient! Someone needs to punish them. Give employers the right to dock wages and force extra hours for excessive joviality. That’ll show those minxes!”
  3. “Why so glum when there’s shopping to be done?” sings devoted consumer Melissa Erso, sporting a lovely green velvet jacket. “Just cut sales taxes on luxury goods so everybody can shop their way out of misery! Your government is wasting money funding thinktanks and research groups of dubious value. You should cut the funding of SCAM and other analysts, and give me back my own chips. The resulting spending spree will put a smile on my face AND boost the economy!”
  4. “This crass commercialism saddens my heart,” observes dour faith leader Vodalus MacIntyre, shaking his head sadly. “What about the soul? Laughter is evil spirits, shaking our bodies. Each guffaw is the spirit of the divine, leaking out of the body. It is Written! For the sake of the collective salvation of Random Chaos, laughter must be banned!”
  5. “How can you listen to these people?” asks depressed laughter therapist Lara Sims, dabbing away a tear. “Random Chaos needs joy, now more than ever. We need to bring the art of humour and inner happiness into everybody’s lives through intensive programmes in every school and workplace in the country. Happiness doesn’t just happen: it needs to be taught!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, vets have been drafted in to help "fix" those who fail the parental license exam.

2022-04-11 09:30

Trafficked Tots Trouble

An emergency meeting has been called together after a report from the border police showed an alarming increase in child trafficking. Children born to unlicensed parents are being given to shady characters who smuggle these tots across the border to sell them to the highest bidder.

  1. Sydney Zoidberg, your Minister of Population Logistics, believes the solution is simple. “Parents who fail the exam for a license aren’t allowed kids—so they don’t need reproductive organs. I say spay or neuter everyone who is unfit to be a parent, to ensure they don’t have any offspring. Off with it all!”
  2. Karma Filoni, the Chief of Police, winces and turns white. “That sounds rather... barbaric. Give us more funding, and we can set up a special department - the Child Catchers! We’ll take children from those who procreate without passing the exam, and raise them to be perfect members of our police force... err... society.”
  3. Your dear old mother, tucking you into bed with your favorite teddy, shakes her head and disagrees. “We never needed a license to have our children. We were good parents to you, and you’ve all grown up to be fine human beings. Why don’t you just get rid of these new-fangled licenses and trust a parent’s instincts?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a sledgehammer and a spray can are seen as the default tools of political debate.

2022-04-11 03:30

Monumental Melodrama

Angry Bigtopian protesters have called for the removal of a statue of Cyril James Carthage, a controversial historic imperialist and mining magnate from two centuries ago, who was once instrumental in perpetuating the Bigtopian slave trade.

  1. “Carthage must fall!” bellows Bigtopian protest leader Nebuchadnezzar Fields, hurling a bucket of paint at the statue. “He was a racist profiteer who forced my ancestors off their land to work in his mines.” The paint overshoots and hits another protester as he continues. “Leaving up this monument glorifies the monster, and is an insult to all Bigtopians! A culturally sensitive government should have constant reviews of the message that their statues send, and remove monuments and other artworks that don’t fit modern sensibilities. Carthage must be destroyed!”
  2. “Preposterous!” blusters uranium mining tycoon Cedric Jacob Carthage, who just so happens to be the slaver’s direct descendant and inheritor of generations of old money, gently placing a well-manicured hand on your shoulder for emphasis. “Removing my ancestor’s monument would be a massive blow to my public image... I mean, our national heritage. Keep these vandals away!”
  3. “There is a compromise here,” muses performance artist Rodent Fantastic, while jamming a boot onto the statue’s head, a tutu round its waist, and sparkly glitter glue on its face. “What if we leave the offending works in place, but allow protesters to deface them if they want to express dissent? What could go wrong?”
  4. “Carthage had it right, we ought to put them damned Bigtopians back in their place,” asserts a figure with a silly-looking white hood over his head, hefting a can of petrol and a toolbox. “You get the police to hang back; me and the boys will settle this.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, artists regularly face criminal charges and art-burning parties are common.

2022-04-10 21:30

Is It Art or Is It Porn?

Vocal members of the moral minority have been complaining and petitioning the government about the new art gallery displaying several provocative nude portraits by several famous artists. They claim these pieces of work promote prostitution and indecent sexual acts.

  1. “Stop my children from looking at smut! These artists are only perverts pretending to be artists! Think of the children!” says Roxanne Barry, proud member of Parents Promoting Purity. “These artists are only going to rouse our innocent children to commit grotesque acts of immorality! Get rid of their art, and arrest the artists!”
  2. “Well, I see that point, but we certainly don’t need to ban inoffensive art, still lifes of inanimate objects, and such,” says your sister, Agnes Grant. “Perhaps we should set some guidelines for what is acceptable as art and what isn’t. Artistic renditions of people getting it on are one thing. A bunch of fruit in a decorative bowl is another entirely.”
  3. “That is censorship!” says noted art history teacher Earnest Mulcair. “You can’t ban art! It’s freedom of expression; it’s part of our culture. If anything, the government should be supporting these artists and their work, not listening to these prudish whackjobs who are scared of a little bare skin!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's leader appoints ministers directly.

2022-04-10 15:30

Younger Voters a Cure for Apathy?

With voter interest in politics plummeting, the idea of lowering the minimum voter age has been suggested.

  1. “It’s their future as well, let the youngsters have their say!” calls Severus Dunn, a retired history teacher. “By their early-teens, they should know as much about our government and political process as any other voter. It’s time we got some young blood infused into the political process and got people interested in politics again.”
  2. “Are you mad?” cries Anthony Little, government treasurer. “Teenagers are way too easily distracted! They’ll end up making snap decisions and lumber us with some incompetent fool who reduces our economy to ruin and could even end up giving out tax cuts! If anything, the government needs to be more careful about who we allow to vote. Background checks and strict conditions placed on all voters should help keep our government running smoothly.”
  3. “All these elections are awfully troublesome,” says Emily Scully, your senior aide. “I mean, it’s obvious you know what’s best for the people and for Random Chaos, so why don’t we cut out the whole voting thing and just appoint the ministers directly? Think of all the money we’d save, and the trees that would be spared from being turned into ballot papers!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the general public only knows their favorite politician's first name.

2022-04-10 09:30

Random Chaos Rocked by Rolls’ Fatal Role

A low-level bureaucrat was recently found murdered after rejecting a retired homeowner’s request for a construction permit. During the subsequent court case, the homeowner admitted that she found their address in the public voter rolls, which has shed light on the security threat that they may pose, especially to government officials.

  1. “Leader, we are all in danger!” exclaims Sufjan Dixon, a bureaucrat in the Department of Administration, who has not left the building since the trial. “Any psychotic Pizza Cultist can go down to City Hall and get all of my personal information with no repercussions! I cannot possibly imagine being able to continue in my position without an escort at all times. It may be expensive, but can you really justify price over a murder, all because I rejected someone’s request to build an airstrip in their backyard?”
  2. “We are incapable of assigning security to every paper-pusher who works in Random Chaos City,” sighs Chief of Police Bahram Leach, taking a black marker to some recently filed incident reports. “Why not clamp down on the accessibility of voter rolls by restricting public access to groups that actually use them, such as political parties and researchers? Not every Joe, Dick and Harry needs to know my address, my phone number, and especially not my salary.”
  3. “Don’t be ridiculous! The people have a right to know! Everything!” trills Fatima Santiago, a litigious anarchist who recently sued a judge for ‘pounding the gavel incorrectly’. “If some rookie cop slips up, I should be able to take them to court! Not that I’ve done anything wrong, of course. The most private activities of every employee on the government payroll shall be made publicly available to all!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is rumoured that Leader uses a magic 8-ball to make policy decisions.

2022-04-10 03:30

Tie Fighters

The national election is over and election officials are painstakingly counting every vote. The results are expected to be close and one electoral district, Gambler Valley, has already seen a tie. The incumbent, cabinet minister Jennifer Nike and her challenger, Violet Utopia each amassed exactly the same number of votes. The candidates have already begun fighting, both with each other and with election officials at the Electoral Commission of Random Chaos, prompting the first major debate of the new political session.

  1. “Leader, as the incumbent for Gambler Valley I believe I have the right to represent it again,” demands Mrs. Nike after arguing with a nearby election official over whether an ‘X’ or a check-mark constitutes a spoiled ballot. “Precedent should always be given to maintaining the status quo, and officials should not be deposed or replaced except by a two-thirds majority. That’ll give us some political stability, and give you and me a chance to get things done.”
  2. “Leader, I demand a re-vote!” exclaims the increasingly paranoid Violet as she meticulously reviews paragraph forty, subsection two of the Election Code, which deals with re-votes. “We all know how corrupt this government is. I swear your goons have been stalking me! We need to hold a new election for the district. If the results are within 10% of a draw, then we’ll keep on holding re-votes until I, uh, someone wins!”
  3. “As always Leader, I have the perfect solution!” declares your gambling addict brother who makes life decisions by the roll of the dice. “Why not have tie votes determined by a coin toss? It’s simple, fun, and doesn’t show any favoritism. We could bet on the outcomes and even apply the same principle to the legislature!” He then takes your prized antique ancient golden Maxtopian coin and flips it. “Fifty chips on tails!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there has been a rapid increase of noise complaints over the sound of buzzing bees.

2022-04-09 21:30

You’ve Got a Friend in Bee

Honeybee populations have been decreasing at an alarming rate, according to a recent study published in Not That Popular Science magazine. Experts have swarmed your office demanding you take action or face catastrophic consequences.

  1. “This is a travesty!” exclaims concerned environmental scientist, Matthew Vader. “Our food supplies will be at risk if the bee population declines any further. Colony Collapse Disorder is a serious thing and we don’t really know what’s killing them. It could be insecticides, parasitic mites, habitat loss, or maybe it’s just all that hot air coming from Random Chaos City. We must stop this before it’s too late. Let’s start with clamping down on industries that manufacture insecticides and enforcing better environmental protection. We must stop at nothing to ensure our survival.”
  2. A local beekeeper, Shelia Coleman, carefully steps into your office carrying a beehive. “What we need to do is to establish large scale bee farms across Random Chaos, and raise more bees so their populations can grow.” The absentminded beekeeper appears oblivious as several bees escape the hive. “Sustainable practices and good bee-raising will preserve the population. You give me and my fellow beekeepers some funding, and we can use that to grow the biggest colony you’ll ever see!” Several of your aides exit screaming, pursued by bees.
  3. “Once again, science has the answer,” says Aria Kasher, CEO of Bees and Genes. “If we use genetics to modify the bees, they can be made resistant to disease and live longer. This, my friends, is the breakthrough we need to stabilize the honeybee populations. It’ll require a boatload of funding and we might accidentally create killer bees like the dreaded Maxtopian hornet, but we need to save nature’s black and yellow friends while we have the chance.”
  4. “Whatever happened to leaving nature alone?” queries the eccentric ‘Doctor Bees’, carrying suitcases buzzing with bees and seen wearing a full bee costume. “More bee colonies? Pesticides? Genes? Buzz off! Have you ever stopped to think that we are to blame for this mess? Why don’t we free the bees and let nature take its course? Sure, the beekeeping industry would suffer, but if we do nothing the alternative is total environmental disaster! Buzz buzz buzz!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the new national mascot has to be wheeled onto the field of play.

2022-04-09 15:30

Who Stands for Random Chaos?

After the unfortunate and untimely death of Random Chaos’s premier sporting mascot just before a major national Calvinball competition, the decision regarding his replacement has been pushed higher and higher up the chain of command until now, having somehow reached your desk.

  1. “Random Chaos should show that it c-cares for everyone,” stammers once-world class juggler, Hayao Nxumalo, now a nervous paraplegic, “Even the v-very weakest in our so-so-soci-country. Our compassion comes across in our welfare, our healthcare, our v-very w-way of life. That’s why I sh-should be the one to represent it. After all, if I can do it, so can anyone!”
  2. “No,” growls a mysterious figure, audibly recovering from a tracheotomy, bedecked in a cape and cowl, “We need to prize the values that keep us safe, in government and outside it. The ones that keep citizens from a life of crime. Order. Justice. Parents. I will represent that. I am the hero Random Chaos deserves.”
  3. “But not the one it needs!” exclaims the chief executive of BurgerCorp, Marjorie Turner, striding into your office dressed as her latest product, “What Random Chaos needs right now is to plug the looming hole in its budget - and that’s something we can do through corporate sponsorship! Just auction off the rights to field a mascot to the highest bidder, and the nation’s pockets - and your own, my dear Leader - will start to feel decidedly less empty.”
  4. “Don’t do it!” screams your personal advisor, Sirrus Clinton, somehow the most flamboyantly dressed yet, “Any decision we make now will be a political torpedo: all we’ve been given here is a choice between being seen as convulsive, compulsive or corrupt! What we really need to prize is choice: the choice of the people to elect their own mascot - and your choice to push any really difficult political decisions onto the voting public!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people caught mistreating Random Chaos's flag generally wind up in a great deal of pain.

2022-04-09 09:30

Burn! Burn Everything!

A recent anti-government rally by highly disgruntled teens has brought a previously minor issue to the fore: should people be permitted to burn Random Chaos’s flag, or should it be a crime?

  1. “We should be able to burn the flag as a sign of protest. I say ignore those crazy red-blooded fanatics who won’t let us! After all it’s because we are a tolerant nation that we should allow it!” says Obinze Myers, civil rights activist, while accidentally immolating many nearby protesters.
  2. “Burning should be allowed for everything! Down with the pig cops and their repressive regime!” says well-known anarchist and arsonist Taylor Taylor, from the comfy and non-flammable confines of her cell. “Burn! Burn burn burn! Everything! Kyahahaha!”
  3. “These barbarians are suggesting burning the flag of our glorious nation as if it were a piece of scrap cloth! First it’s burning the flag, and before you know it, it’s rebellion and anarchy!” Britney Chavez scowls. “Flag burning should be punishable by a good flogging!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is cutting back on the number of political prisoners executed each year.

2022-04-09 03:30

People Request Not So Much Dictatorship, if That’s All Right

While effusively praising Random Chaos’s leadership and bowing repeatedly, a delegation has humbly requested that the government take a more “modernistic” view in the future.

  1. The High Minister for Finance, who also happens to be your brother, dismisses the claim. “What these people fail to realize is that you know what’s best for them. The alternative is anarchy! I say stick to your course. And execute these wackos for treason.”
  2. “Perhaps the people could be given some more political freedoms,” muses your Chief of Staff, who is your sister. “Is there really such harm in allowing public discussion of ideas? We could even have a real Opposition Party. One that isn’t just full of your puppets, I mean.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, collisions between bicycles and carnival floats are on the rise.

2022-04-08 22:00

Give Us a Break, Leader

A recent opinion survey carried out by the Leader Fan Club has suggested that you are the most beloved and accomplished head of state in the history of Random Chaos. They’re suggesting that to celebrate this good news, a brand new public holiday would put the hoi polloi in even greater admiration of your glorious leadership.

  1. “Patriots Day!” exclaims Naki Khachaturian, an excitable junior civil servant who carries a picture of you in her wallet, and is always trying to get you to notice her. “The national anthem would be played all day long on TV and radio. There’d be carnivals in the streets showcasing our traditional clothes, dance, music and food. It will be fun for the kids too, as they can decorate their bicycles in the national colours of Random Chaos and win prizes for the best decorations. And looking over the festivities, a sixty-foot tall portrait of you, our most beloved leader!”
  2. “A celebration isn’t a bad idea, but you’re looking at it from the wrong perspective,” offers Army General and author of the book Why Leader Is Our Greatest Strategic Asset, Tyrion Riker. “An Armed Forces Day is what we need. Can you picture it now? A million armed men and women marching in perfect unison through the streets of Random Chaos City, eyes right as they turn heads to salute you. Then, battalions of our newest armoured vehicles, followed by the best part: our biggest missiles on trailers. What a sight to behold! And all the civilians can be forced to be spectators; they wouldn’t dare oppose that considering all the guns on show!”
  3. “Public holidays have traditionally been of a religious nature,” intones Burl Zahm, Professor of Religious Studies at the University of Random Chaos City. “Why don’t we celebrate the holy moment of the creation of the world? Regardless of our faith, we can all agree that it is irrefutable that the hand of the divine was what set the universe in motion. Universe Creation Day is the holiday Random Chaos needs.”
  4. Guinan Farnsworth, the top undertaker in Random Chaos, has the final say. “I haven’t had a day off for twenty-five years. I don’t need a day off, and all these work-shy layabouts shouldn’t have one either. Leader, we don’t need another public holiday. In fact, we don’t need any public holidays. Get rid of them all; it will be good for the economy.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Brancaland has gifted over nine thousand putrid moose carcasses to Random Chaos as a reminder of their "special relationship".

2022-04-08 15:30

You Got Stones

A government-sponsored contest to find the best Random Chaosian sculptor was wildly successful, with a multitude of statues brought to the Ministry of Culture’s marquee at the Random Chaos City Convention Center. Thanks to some small print in the competition’s terms and conditions, the entries are now the property of the Ministry of Culture. Now there are tens of thousands of sculptures to dispose of, many of which are frankly terrible.

  1. “You must display all these works in a permanent gallery!” exclaims Amos Yoo, a dubiously-talented artist who placed 3587th in the contest. “It doesn’t matter if people want to see these sculptures or not, as all art is part of the culture and history of our nation. Like that marble bust of you in the corner of your office, Leader - it’s pretty ugly, but we still keep it around.”
  2. “We should distribute the sculptures en masse to our allies!” suggests Ella Fallon, your Minister of Foreign Affairs, who you recall ‘regifted’ your birthday present to her back to you last year. “They’ll feel obliged to accept in order to maintain diplomatic politeness. And hey, what’s so bad about spreading Random Chaosian culture around the world?”
  3. “We should just demolish ‘em,” urges construction site foreman Juan Maldonado, grabbing a delicate-looking ceramic anaglyptic and breaking it over his knee for emphasis. “All we need is your permission, and an empty lot, and half-a-dozen bulldozers and steamrollers.”
  4. “Or we could repurpose these items,” suggests your DIY-loving Uncle Grogu, wearing a pair of dungarees he improvised from rubber bands and reclaimed umbrella fabric. “We can knock together all sorts of useful items if we put our minds to it: big paperweights, weights for the gym, weights to keep doors open, mobile phone cases... that weigh a lot. The choices are endless! Well, not exactly endless, but you know what I mean!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no one born in Random Chaos can fix a leaky faucet.

2022-04-08 10:00

Blue Collar Blues

A minor domestic emergency recently left you searching for a call-out plumber, an electrician and a handyman able to rehang a chandelier. Though the sorry incident is now sorted, you’ve been left aware of how hard it is to find good tradespeople these days. Your Education Minister tells you that this is because the majority of high school graduates are enrolling in university programs, which is leaving a major skilled labor shortage in the trades industries. There are ample artists, architects and astrophysicists, but a poor proportion of plumbers, painters and plasterers.

  1. “This is the reason why we should allow immigrant labor,” says Borders Control Minister, Genghis Clark. “Why don’t we remove the ban on immigration, and use incentive schemes to increase the number of migrants coming in with the skills we need, to fill the labor shortages? That way our citizens can focus on holding higher paying jobs while immigrants do the jobs nobody else wants.”
  2. “Wouldn’t it be easier just to get more young people studying trades?” posits Community College tutor Liara Jobrani. “You could subsidize technical colleges and apprenticeships, and even offer stipends to students as an extra incentive to make these choices. You may have to raise taxes a little, and divert funding from further education courses in arts and science, but practical skills are ultimately more important to our economy.”
  3. “Sometimes, perhaps it is best to let the ocean currents move you, rather than trying to turn back a rising tide,” suggests Taiqiquan practitioner Rory Quayle, working through a series of graceful circular movements. “Your nation’s economy is changing, and shifting away from manual work. This is natural, and you should move with, never against. Imagine: as graduates become unemployed, the market self-adjusts, and the economy flows back towards its former shape. As pipes become blocked, supply and demand mismatch results in the free market rising to fill a gap. Energy flows through the system like water, and problems resolve themselves.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, one of the nation's leading exports is empty platitudes.

2022-04-08 04:00

Yours Insincerely

Whenever disaster strikes Random Chaos, politicians have a habit of sending their “thoughts and prayers” to the victims. Although the gesture is appreciated by some, there are many who feel that the phrase is simply an excuse for politicians to do nothing.

  1. “Every time I hear a politician send their ‘thoughts and prayers’ I feel like vomiting in my mouth,” complains social commentator Divit Pavlov, forcefully shredding a newspaper reporting your Minister of Transportation sending prayers for the victims of a train disaster. “If you ask me, that’s their way of getting out of actually doing anything meaningful to help the victims. How about sending some much-needed aid when there’s a disaster? Or perhaps investing in some infrastructure? The people want government action, not empty platitudes.”
  2. “On the contrary, many people have told me that they have found comfort in my words when they needed it most,” replies Judi Wang, a politician who has been known to fall asleep during government ceremonies. “There’s nothing odious or lazy with sending out thoughts and prayers. Some people find it helpful to be reminded that their government cares. What’s wrong with that?”
  3. “Since when should the government be in the business of spreading this religious indoctrination?” fumes atheist media personality Noah Curtis. “Thoughts and prayers? Oh, please! This is nothing more than the government imposing its religious beliefs on everyone else. How about the government back off with this propaganda and let people mourn in their own private way?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, selling your granddad's clothes requires an incredible amount of paperwork.

2022-04-07 21:30

Public Protesting Pawnbroker Pickpockets

After a ring of black market fences were caught dealing in stolen goods from Random Chaos City to the rural village Noh Weir, pawn shops have fallen under scrutiny for their role in reselling illicitly-acquired wares.

  1. “Leader, I’ve had it up to here with these pawn shops. They’ve taken it a step too far!” The flustered Nomathemba deJong shakes her fist. “They bought my TV from a criminal! Then sold it back to me! Sure, it took me a week to even notice, and only because of the smell, but that doesn’t matter! They are accomplices to this crime, and I demand justice. No, I demand vengeance! No more second-hand stores!”
  2. “We don’t need such a drastic decision,” pipes up Minister of Justice Vincent Lannister. “We just need to regulate these stores. Before any product can be sold, run these items through some police databases, and take extensive notes on the seller to crosscheck for criminal history. Sure, it will cost the taxpayers a bit, but they’ll make it back with the great deals on used stereo systems.”
  3. Pawnbroker Casimir Ryan removes his sunglasses. “I’ve been in this business my whole life, like my father before me. But now a few bad apples are giving us a bad name. If you help subsidize a television show about our hard-working salespeople, maybe we can change the public’s mind. I’m sure we can meet halfway.”
  4. Heather Amin finally steps forward from the shadows, inviting you to kiss her ringed hand. “Look, Leader, let me be clear. This is a perfectly legitimate business. We can provide paperwork on our taxes and all. But I’d rather just give you a gift of a widescreen plasma TV. Just be careful, you might blind yourself on this picture quality. If you do, perhaps... turn that blinded eye toward our business.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nobody ever questions the unquestioned rule that questions must always be asked.

2022-04-07 15:30

Waste of Time

Yesterday you spent several hours developing solutions to a complex sewage management dilemma that you had read about in a report in your desk drawer, only to realise today that this report was written eight years ago and that the problem was solved six years ago. Any one of the ministers, engineers or bureaucrats you consulted with yesterday could have told you this, but no-one did.

  1. “Uh, begging your pardon, oh wise and glorious leader,” pleads engineer Mercutio Hayes, “but we have always been told that you are an infallible and ultimate authority, so we assumed you knew that the problem was already solved and that you were simply testing us in some way. With your permission, we will challenge that assumption in future, and speak our minds. Uh, as long as we don’t get punished for doing so! Please don’t hurt me!”
  2. “Leader, you are of course infallible,” shouts your head of secret police, moving in to put handcuffs on the engineer, “and this worthless wretch has failed the loyalty test! Guards, take him away!”
  3. “I think what we’re trying to say here is that you knew all along that the problem was solved,” weasels smug-faced vizier Sigourney Osborne. “However, you’ve found a more appropriate and elegant solution for the sewage dilemma, which admittedly costs more than the existing solution and may back up the occasional toilet, but which is superior for politically expedient reasons that mere sewage engineers and plumbers could not hope to understand. I will assemble workers, and order the old system to be replaced, immediately.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the "Dreadnowt" is the pride and joy of the Random Chaosian Navy.

2022-04-07 09:30

Who Comes Up With This Ship?

It’s a terrible day. Woken early from dreams of joyfully frolicking gamblers, you are dragged to the naming ceremony of the latest Random Chaosian Navy ship. Lashed by more rain than an Albionian could cope with, the sky is the same steely grey as the oversized hulk of metal everyone is making a fuss about, and thanks to the woolen kilt your advisors insisted was “traditional”, the wind is whistling right where you don’t want it to. You thought it couldn’t get any worse, but just as you grasp the ceremonial bottle of bubbly and utter the words, “I hereby name this ship...” you realise you have no idea what the damned thing is to be called.

  1. One glance at Sandra Yossef, your Minister for Creative Solutions, tells you she won’t be any help today. For once bereft of ideas, she’s studiously avoiding your gaze by pretending to examine a spot off on the distant horizon. What would get her goat? Ah, of course — a cold, efficient and utterly unimaginative name.
  2. To her right is the perpetually nervous Religious Affairs Minister, Ami Falopian, fiddling with her prayer beads as she considers her many religious affairs. You can just imagine her reedy, patronising voice telling you to name the ship after a devout godly figure. Of course, there’s some she’d prefer to forget — who was that patron saint of altar boys?
  3. Resolutely staring past your left shoulder is the ever-pompous Rear Admiral Emenike Malik. What would wipe the smirk off his meaty jowls? Perhaps a dashing, daring name of old, like “Warspite” or “Thundercracker”. But with a twist...
  4. And of course there’s your office intern Kelly Sisko, looking smugly right back at you. Of course she knows just what the ship should be called, but all she’s mouthing at you is “Shippy McShipface” — or at least you hope that’s what it is. Oh, to hell with it. Who says you can’t name a ship after yourself?

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the alarmingly racist TV show 'Bigtopians Say the Darndest Things' is a hit.

2022-04-07 03:30

Minorities Demand Representation in TV Soaps

Random Chaos’s TV soaps—famous around the region—have come under fire for their lack of ethnic diversity.

  1. “Every night my family and I sit down to watch ‘The Brash and the Backstabbing’,” says Virginia vonBismarck. “But where are the Lilliputians like myself? Where are the Bigtopians? The Marche Noirians? People from those cultures can be just as brash and backstabbing, but we never see them on the screen. The government must act to remove this silent apartheid from our TV screens.”
  2. “Those Lilliputians don’t know how good they have it,” says Chun-Li Croft, spokesperson for the Tasmanians Against Ethnic Stereotyping. “Tasmanians are on television all the time, but always in crude, stereotypical roles. The answer is not to enforce ethnic quotas, but to award government prizes for the positive portrayal of minorities. That’ll work better, and be cheaper, too.”
  3. “The government should do what now?” says TV studio executive Homer Kiefaber. “You’ve got to be kidding. We make soaps here, not documentaries. I should be able to put whichever characters I want into my shows. Quotas! Government prizes! God save me! Hasn’t the government got anything better to do? Why don’t they just back off and let society work out these things on its own?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fewer people are bathing as citizens must show ration stamps before they can turn on their faucets.

2022-04-06 21:39

Not a Drop to Drink

Random Chaos has been hit with the worst drought in a hundred years; as a result, thirsty citizens and a growing number of brown lawns are pleading for a government response.

  1. “We have no choice but to ration water,” says Michelle Ryan, Chief of the Random Chaos City Department of Public Works. “We can’t afford to let what little water we have slip through our fingers. We must clamp down on how much water each person is allowed to use. If our more wasteful citizens complain because they’ll have to actually think about how much water they pour down the drain, all the better for the rest of us.”
  2. “This drought is a warning sign sent by our Creator!” shouts a strangely familiar-looking man who has just walked in from the desert clad in camel hair and sandals. “If this nation will only turn from its wicked ways and hearken unto our God, surely He shall grace us with water once more!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens no longer take selfies with their dead relatives at funerals.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, decongestants have replaced chips in street transactions.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corrupt industrial practices are spreading like a plague.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the public transport system has been eliminated.

2022-04-06 21:37

Crystal Clear Sinuses

With methamphetamine on (and in) the minds of many Random Chaosians, law enforcement officials have suggested limiting access to meth precursor chemicals, such as pseudoephedrine, a common nasal decongestant sold in pharmacies across the country.

  1. “Drugstores are being taken advantage of, and what a darn shame it is,” laments rural sheriff Ronald Normous. “If we’re gonna stop this methampheta-meltdown, we need’a restrict the sale of meth precursors. Doing so will stomp the brakes on meth makers, who require ‘em in bulk to keep up their deadly production. A reasonable monthly limit and requiring a valid prescription from a licensed doctor ain’t a bad idea, if y’all ask me.”
  2. “Seriously, you don’t think I have enough work to do without being hassled by junkies for prescriptions?” complains stressed-looking family doctor Aldo True. “Cough medicines and decongestants don’t do much more than honey-and-lemon or steam from a bowl of hot water anyway. Just make all these precursors illegal, and crack down harder on recreational drug trade while you’re at it.”
  3. “Restricting pseudoephedrine sales only hurts responsible, law-abiding citizens!” passionately exclaims Medical Rights Association spokesperson Dorothy Clarke. “I’m no criminal, I just buy my meds by the metric tonne for my allergies, and a few extra as presents for my similarly allergy-stricken friends! Show some trust in Random Chaosians, and deregulate these drugs!”
  4. “I mean, the whole making meth at home thing is not as easy as certain TV shows would have you believe,” complains your nephew, rapidly finger-tapping a repeating pattern because of his drug-induced OCD. “Why don’t you just legalise methamphetamines, and users can then buy crystal meth from proper suppliers who know what they’re doing.”
2022-04-06 21:37

Silence Is Golden

During your trip to see the premiere of your sister’s documentary on the Maxtopian Civil War, your viewing of the film was interrupted by glowing phone screens and obnoxious calls. As it turns out, other citizens often cite this as their biggest pet peeve.

  1. “Cinema is an art that requires the viewers’ silence,” begins pretentious movie critic Emily Trevelyan as she uses her fingers to frame the composition of you at your desk. “If so much as one selfish person draws forth one of those devilish glowing rectangles, the audience as a whole breaks its suspension of disbelief! And, well, it’s rude. I say we ban these devices in movie theaters. Kick the violators out for a start, and maybe fine them for a civil disturbance to get the message across.”
  2. “Why stop at movie theaters?” asks local snob Kalden Christmas, well known for hosting extravagant parties. “There’s other places where cell phone usage is annoying or rude. In the courthouse, at school, during speeches, or when I’m trying to host a fancy dinner. In fact, Random Chaos ought to have a lesson in good manners. Force all citizens to undergo mandatory etiquette training and teach respectable cell phone usage in schools. Perhaps then we won’t rank just below those boorish Tasmanians in World Travel Magazine.”
  3. “What is with all of you?” questions local teenager and film buff Otohime Jele. “Screens can’t possibly be that disruptive. You do know you can adjust the screen brightness on phones, right? Just, like, let people do what they want in the theater. In fact, maybe you should invest in infrastructure so we have better reception all over Random Chaos.”
2022-04-06 21:37

Bus Drivers Say No to Double-Decked Deathtraps

After several tragic bus accidents across Random Chaos, bus drivers have started a strike until safety standards have been raised.

  1. “Every morning I step into that thing I wonder when it’s finally going to fall to bits,” grumbles Ongchu Wu, a bus driver. “The lights don’t work, half of the seats are either vandalised or missing, the top deck smells like something died there, and something HAS died right at the back. We need more money to improve our buses. It’s that simple. If you don’t do it then more people will die.”
  2. “People always want money,” whines Tina Eko, one of your financial advisors. “And they always want guarantees. I’m willing to bet every single chip on me that they’re making a big fuss about nothing. The strike’s no big deal, we can always find plenty of other people willing to take the job. Public transport is a financial black hole anyway, there’s no profit in it for us. If someone really wants to go somewhere they drive. Withdraw some of our public transport funding out and let them have enough money to buy themselves a car.”
  3. “That sounds to me,” says another of your financial advisors who just happens to be walking past, “like a stellar reason to do away with the public transport system altogether. The only people who really lose out are the poor and the disabled, but there’s no profit in them either so it’s win-win.”
  4. “Now now now, there’s no need to be quite so gung-ho,” says Carmen Love, a city planner. “The public transport system is vital for cutting down congestion and pollution within urban areas. Less vehicles on the road, less fumes, you with me so far? What we need to do is put a tax on car-use within the cities and promote our mass transit. That way everyone gets what they want, and cleaner air to boot.”
2022-04-06 21:37

Dirty Little Minds

The Health Ministry has expressed serious concerns at new evidence that pollutants in the atmosphere and water supply may be negatively affecting the intelligence and cognitive abilities of the nation’s children.

  1. “Legislation is the answer,” declares tatty-suited progressive Isabelle Coulson in the middle of a two-hour slideshow on rainfall. “Crack down on air pollution, regulate vehicle emissions, and heavily tax polluting industry and power generation. The economy may experience a short-term loss, but that sacrifice is worth it for our children’s long-term cognitive function.”
  2. “Self-regulation is the answer,” says expensively dressed lawyer Montgomery Khan, who just finished another fraud trial. “The industry will... uh... establish a voluntary code of conduct, and we will definitely think about cutting into our profit margins and reneging on our obligations to our shareholders to make a fast buck. At the very least, we’ll do some great PR work. And kids getting dumber? Well, I should point out that a dumb populace is a free-spending and unquestioning populace: that sort of thing is great for the economy.”
  3. “Science is the answer,” opines overzealous transhumanist Stefanie Rikkard, whose clothes are so metallic and futuristic they just look silly. “The problem here is that we’ve got the wrong sort of pollutants. Add the right neuro-stimulant chemicals to the waterways and the air, and I can guarantee you the lovely pollution will start making our kids harder, better, faster, stronger. Sure, they might have increased risk of fatal brain hemorrhage in puberty, but they’ll expand their cognition and consciousness and become Human Plus.”
  4. “Creative thinking is the answer,” schemes an intimidating ‘solutions manager,’ Barbie Zaius. “We can keep making pollutants, so long as we don’t let them get into our nation’s environment. I’ve got half a dozen amazing ideas, from selling our waste to gullible third world nations as fertilizers, to sticking some of the nastier chemicals into a newly rebranded ‘smokey-cola’ and pushing it to export. All extra sludge can just be dumped at sea - far, far away from Random Chaos. Recategorise waste as product, and we can get it out of the country at a nice profit.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Retail Industry and the Top 10% for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

2022-04-03 23:32

Over, Under or Through?

After recent economic growth, ferry links with the Random Chaos Barrier Islands are struggling to cope under the increasing volume of commuters and cargo.

  1. “A government’s first duty is to its people,” says Shinzo Nguyen, head of the Random Chaos Highways Agency. “The best way to serve the people is to encourage auto traffic by building bridges. With bridges we can not only serve the residential needs, but the commercial too. True, it will take a few years of construction and there’s bound to be some environmental impact, but that’s the price of progress.”
  2. “Some environmental impact?” questions Aragorn Trax, your Minister of the Environment. “More bridges means more traffic, which means more pollution. What we need to do is build a rail tunnel. One train can carry more cargo than many trucks and with my electric train design, it’ll be much more eco-friendly. Of course the government will have to subsidize it to keep the prices reasonable, but the benefit to the environment is worth it.”
  3. “More government involvement isn’t what we need,” says Erica Christensen, the CEO of Ferry Nice. “We’re in this mess because the government can’t keep up with the times. Let the private sector run these docks, and watch how quickly it turns around. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to raise the limit of how many passengers each boat can take.”
  4. “Halt this at once!” yells Kareem Jekyll, a pitchfork-wielding island resident. “What about us? Did you ever once stop to ask if the residents wanted all this commotion? Well we don’t! We like our islands nice and quiet just the way Mother Nature made them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos Barrier Island residents anxiously await their 'Bridge to Somewhere'.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the sound of wooden legs echo throughout Random Chaos after the recent introduction of the Foot Tax.

2022-04-03 16:00

A Taxing Dilemma

Citizens staged a mass protest against ‘monolithic’ tax rates after the government recently instituted the ‘Anything That’s Purple’ tax.

  1. “The tax situation in Random Chaos is ridiculous,” says Thaddeus Fforde at the protest. “The taxes keep getting piled on and yet - I hasten to add - the government doesn’t seem to realise that they already have practically all our money! We’ve been reduced to bartering for goodness sake! I haven’t seen a decent wad of chips in years! It’s bad for Random Chaos, but more importantly, it’s bad for business. We must take huge cuts out of the government budget. Even if it does mean less education, healthcare, and whatnot.”
  2. “You can’t!” cries Bill Martinez, the National Treasurer. “They don’t seem to realise that if we cut taxes, it will drastically underfund our public services! All our environmental work, our education system, our healthcare system - all will go kaput! Random Chaos depends on these taxes, we need the money! Don’t let the people fritter it away on luxuries, ‘cos they’ll soon be complaining about there not being enough policemen on the beat. We’ll tax the shirts off their backs and they’ll be damn well happy about it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chalkboards are replaced with billboards in the classroom.

2022-04-03 10:00

The Magic (Of Advertising!) School Bus

An educational budget shortfall has prompted several local school districts to allow companies to advertise on school buses. This, of course, has aroused a major controversy over the ubiquity of advertisement.

  1. “I would like to let you know that I have a problem with this,” states high-school social studies teacher Elaine McKay. “I teach my students all the time about the negative effects of advertising on the populace, and then at the end of the day, they leave on buses inundated with this very corporate propaganda! It must be outlawed! And since we’re so strapped for cash, have the rich pay up for once.”
  2. “Corporate propaganda?” exclaims Jim Stark, CEO of Omni Consumer Products, “You’ve got to be kidding me! This is all harmless, you see. The advertising on buses is great for the school systems. How else would girls know that Maxxxi brand pads are right for them? Now, if you just sign here, businesses will be able to cover the buses with signs - to support education, of course - and perhaps we can advertise all over the schools themselves, too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a new "thought police" branch is being developed.

2022-04-03 04:00

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Your Chief Milk Officer recently confessed to the heinous crime of leaking the location of the strategic chocolate reserve. The guilty verdict for the Chief Confectioner, once thought to be the perpetrator, has been overturned, and he is now free and back in your services. Over the course of the night’s dessert, the confectioner’s first since returning, you notice that he might have something to say when a large cake covered with piped lettering is brought out and set in front of you.

  1. The cake reads: “Remember when I was arrested and they made me take that lie detector test? Well, I have a fear of yes-or-no questions, so I failed. Polygraph tests are a bad way to investigate a suspect. They don’t account for sweaty and anxious people. I shudder to think how others with a worse condition than mine can cope with this barbaric practice. Polygraph tests should not be allowed as admissible evidence in any legal proceeding, or no more treats for you!”
  2. “This is a bunch of horse dung!” exclaims your Minister of Justice, gulping down a big piece of your cake. “Delicious! Despite the occasional outlier, like this situation, the polygraph reliably measures the indicators of a lie being told. It generally works. And just between us, assuming it is hogwash, it still would make perpetrators nervous and more likely to confess. If anything, make them the norm during interrogations.”
  3. “Oh come on! Next, you’re going to use a crystal ball in our criminal investigations,” jokes your Science Minister, dissolving the cake in an acid solution. “What we need to do is modernize our means of interrogation. With our advances in neurology, we may be able to develop a chip that measures the neural activity of its subject, giving us the ability to accurately determine if someone’s telling the truth. Give us the funding, and be ready for a safer Random Chaos!”
  4. “Bah!” utters an old Random Chaos City police officer, who is on a diet. “If you ask me, these fancy gadgets are making the police too soft. Back in the good ol’ days, we had a more hands-on approach and believe me, nothing brings honesty out of a liar better than some good old beatings.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, protests are legal but strictly supervised.

2022-04-02 22:00

Protesters Have Gone Too Far, Claim Police

A group protesting against the Random Chaosian government began a riot yesterday which resulted in the death of Mr. Benson, a police officer.

  1. “This is an outrage!” cries Police Chief Judi Uhura. “The people of Random Chaos just don’t know how good they have it! Our nation is a gem compared to many others, but if you give an inch they will take a mile. I had to tell officer Benson’s wife yesterday that their children will grow up without a father. Do I think public protests should be outlawed? You’re damn right I do.”
  2. “It all happened so fast,” says Noah Clinton, one of the protesters. “The crowd was just chanting, you know... and then they tear gassed us. I saw one cop, this Mr. Benson, club a teenager right in the face! For what? Speaking his mind! That’s when the crowd rushed him. I’m sorry he’s dead, but the police think they have a right to do whatever they want - things get out of hand sometimes. I think the police department should keep out of the way when we’re protesting - even if things do get... excited.”
  3. “It’s because protests get out of hand sometimes that we need a police presence,” argues PC Tamara Juran eventually after singing the national anthem to you. “Even violent protestors have a right to feel safe on the streets. If that means we have to die to protect the innocent, then that means we have to die. I think protests should be restricted to a designated area where police can keep an eye on the protestors. Then everything can go nice and smoothly and no one will have to worry about being beaten to death.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, everyone wants to be on the guest list for diplomatic parties.

2022-04-02 16:00

Ale to the Chief

A local brewery provided the Mayor of Gambler City with 120 free kegs of their famous ale: Ruiz’s Blood — usually a year’s supply — as has been the tradition for many years. However, the current mayor has consumed the lot in just two months and taxpayers are now being asked to replenish the provision.

  1. “I know this makes me look like a drunk, but I assure you I’m not,” pleads Mayor Ambrose, as she touches her nose with her finger to prove her point. “I host a lot of diplomatic parties and my guests expect a certain level of hospitality. Just last week, I was hosting the Smalltopian ambassador and his entourage, and those Smalltopians can drink! You must replenish the mayoral supply — think of the diplomatic embarrassment of dry events.”
  2. “We have to pay for their booze now?” questions Avery Garak, a social activist, who is always scrutinising politicians’ expenses. “What if she drinks the whole lot in another two months? Will the suffering taxpayer have to continue to fund Her Worship’s excesses? If politicians can’t go five minutes without a drink, then they’re not fit for office. Ban all alcohol on government premises.”
  3. “Our Ruiz’s Blood is probably the finest brew in all of Random Chaos,” interjects Finnick McKay, the Head Taster at the brewery, as he takes a sip from your drink, then spits it back into the cup. “It’s a pity that only this mayor gets to taste our tantalising tipple, and for free too! We could supply your office Leader, and even the whole of parliament. All we ask in return is that you could meet with some of the industry bosses occasionally and give us a favourable hearing.”
  4. “I have an idea,” interjects a hobo, who’s been listening in on your conversation from the bench outside your window. “Why doesn’t the government provide free booze for everyone? That would be nice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, falling satellites are regarded as a blessing from the gods.

2022-04-02 10:00

One Small Step for Private Enterprise?

Private space companies have expressed a desire to launch a space probe to the moon and other planets in the solar system. To avoid any legal entanglements, they have asked for permission from the government to launch.

  1. “The sooner we get off this rock, the better,” grimly predicts daredevil CEO Dick Benson, who recently broke the record for the world’s highest skydive. “We all know it’s a matter of time before we destroy this planet, and exploring the vastness of space is our only salvation. Private enterprise must be allowed to develop space technologies. I’d go so far as to subsidize private space companies to help them on the way to the stars. ‘Per pecunia ad astra’, as I always say.”
  2. “Space shouldn’t be opened to corporations!” exclaims buxom RCSA engineer turned beachwear model Ellen Janeway. “These companies just want to grab our heavenly bodies and make money from them. The stars themselves will be exploited and stripped bare! Only the government - by which I mean you - can be trusted to handle things properly.”
  3. “Both sides have a point,” acknowledges your diplomatic Science Minister Bill deGrasse Hawking. “The free market must be allowed to operate, but with reasonable rules and regulations. The idea sounds daft, but an asteroid mining company should be subject to the same laws governing terrestrial mining companies. We should have some sort of prime directive that states what we can and can’t do up there. This needn’t cost us tax chips either: just have the enterprises involved sign an agreement to abide by the rules, then let them go boldly where no corporation has gone before.”
  4. “You’ve ruined this planet. Now you want to ruin outer space?” queries Gaia Peacedove, an eccentric environmentalist and host of the esoteric television show ‘Antiquated Aliens’, seen dressed in hemp fiber. “Cleanliness is next to godliness, after all. The Ancient Ones didn’t want us to come to them, they will come to us. Stop polluting space with your fancy-schmancy space probes and rockets! Ban all space exploration, and focus on protecting the environment. They will surely see this as a sign that we are ready for their arrival!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, calling tech support mid-shootout is a common occurrence.

2022-04-02 04:00

Don’t Shoot Your Eye Out

A series of accidental shootings and catastrophic malfunctions has triggered debate surrounding the safety and reliability of civilian firearms.

  1. “I bought a pistol, not a grenade!” shouts former military officer Zhiku Svensson, his arm suspended in a sling. “I was mugged yesterday, but when I tried to defend myself, my handgun exploded and almost killed me! This cannot continue! All firearm companies must prioritize weapon safety and rigorously test their products to prove they are reliable.”
  2. “This reveals an underlying problem: our firearms need an update,” explains corporate futurist Denethor Carpenter, polishing his toy ray-gun. “Random Chaos ought to innovate and overhaul civilian weapons with emerging tech like biometrics, recoil-dampening composites, and interwoven electronics. The resulting smart guns would limit accidents while also improving safety. Just shoot a grant or two at gun-makers to cover the cost of R&D.”
  3. “Safer guns are pointless if the average shooter can’t clean a barrel,” asserts firearms instructor Jennifer Hopkins. “Random Chaosian guns are notoriously unreliable, but their frequent malfunctions can be minimized with proper upkeep. All gun owners should be required to complete a training course in weapons maintenance. Maybe then I won’t get dirty looks when asking clients if they’re stripping.”
  4. “Y’all betta not be tryna mess with my guns,” says Newt Perez, wielding a rusted, homemade shotgun. “Random Chaosian guns work just fine, and we don’t need no safety courses or fancy microchips! All those accidents is just weedin’ out the butt-brains!” He fires his weapon into the air, and the barrel shatters.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Tesco was recently named as the new national treasurer.

2022-04-01 22:00

Corruption in the Lobby

After the passage of a bill giving billions of chips to “any oil company with two ‘x’s in its name”, there was much discussion over the influence that corporate lobbies have over the government and whether it was getting out of hand - until an all-waves radio and TV broadcast suggested citizens go have a coffee at Starbucks instead.

  1. “It disgusts me how much this government is eating out of the hands of corporations,” says Kasie Wilk, an anti-corporate activist. “A government’s first priority is supposed to be its people! Random Chaos! Not some faceless company interested in nothing but money! The right to petition is for individual citizens, not for multinational companies that answer to no one.”
  2. “There’s no need to get excited, we’ve got everyone’s best interests at heart,” replies Amahl Redwood, a corporate lobbyist. “Yes, individuals have the right to make their opinions known to the government, but so too do groups of individuals. And that’s all a corporation is: a group of individuals wanting to contribute. By helping corporations, the government helps the country. Unemployment goes down, the economy goes up, and everyone’s favourite products become more readily available. In fact, if corporations were already part of the political process we could do so much more! I propose that companies be allowed to run for office.”
  3. “Over my dead body they will,” says Elizabeth Wu, a civil servant. “The problem with lobbying is that it’s so easily abused. There are too many opinionated idiots out there prepared to rally around some obnoxious or silly cause. Last week the parliament reviewed a petition from thousands of citizens complaining about birds being too noisy! I mean, really! We’d be better off ignoring lobbyists altogether and trusting in your own sagacity, esteemed leader.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian watches list strained wrists as a common side effect.

2022-04-01 16:00

A Timely Intervention

You and your cabinet are on a tour of the nearby Random Chaos Watch Factory, which has long been famous throughout all of The Hatrackia. The poor state of the factory — and its rapidly declining sales figures, carelessly left on the manager’s desk — are clear for all to see. Shuffling by your side, the manager sighs: “Leader, we’ve had some tough years here. But we don’t know what to do to bring the good days back.”

  1. “The issue here is competition from emerging technology,” proffers your Minister of Science and Technology Dr. Jonathan Osterman, shaking his head at the sight of a dusty lathe. “These watches are outdated compared to the latest Skandilundian quartz watches. We need a nuclear option to adjust the balance. Atomic clocks are well known for their accuracy, so what if we started producing atomic watches? The watches may be slightly bulkier than we’re used to and our watchmakers will need some training in the correct handling of caesium, but with a little government funding and innovation in compact atomic design, our watch market will explode... erm, figure of speech.”
  2. “The solution is moving back in time, not forwards,” muses your Minister of Culture Vanna Pond. “Mechanical watches from Smalltopia are still very popular. They have 27 rubies throughout the movement. Rubies! They put jewels in their watches! Go back to the timekeeping of yesteryear, and cater to the luxury watch market. My Ministry will organize an annual The Hatrackia Luxury Watch Expo to promote the watches on the international stage! Sure, mechanical watches aren’t as accurate, and they will be more expensive, but to own a timeless piece of reproduction horological history? Truly priceless.”
  3. “Atoms? Jewels? Those watches would never survive a hard day’s work,” bemoans your Minister of Labor Cassandra Whedon. “If a watch can’t survive being hit by a hammer or cut by a sickle, then it is useless in the workplace. Focus on the mass production of cheap and indestructible watches, to equip the international proletariat with the tools they need to keep running on the same beat. It will take generous government subsidies to allow the factory to cater to a larger market, but all the workers of The Hatrackia will thank you.”
  4. “The hour is at hand! This is the time of Violet!” shouts Violetist priest Harald Dlamini through an open window. “The time spent watching these evil little machinations would be better spent praising the almighty Violet! We must rid ourselves of this factory of evil, seeking and burning all its offspring; wherever it may hide in our land! Violet demands that the government ban and destroy every horological horror, for — as is written in the texts — there is no reason or rhyme, no meaning or time but by Violet’s dread love!” The priest tries to light a match but is dragged away by your bodyguards.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pedants defending Leader observe that psychopaths and sociopaths aren't exactly the same thing.

2022-04-01 10:00

The Devil’s Spawn

Big baby news from Blackacre: Supreme Leader Valeria Drake — the oft-hostile tyrant of that oft-hostile nation — has announced that she is once again pregnant. With heartfelt and sometimes sincere congratulations pouring in from leaders all across the world, eyes are turning on Random Chaos, eager to gauge your reaction.

  1. The Minister of Foreign Relations lays his hand on your right shoulder, the sunlight creating a bright halo around his head. “Oh, let bygones be bygones already. This is a joyous occasion for Madam Drake! Let’s break the ice between Blackacre and us, and send over our most cordial felicitations. It wouldn’t kill us if we swallowed our pride for once, you know.”
  2. The Minister of Defense lays his hand on your left shoulder, tufts of his hair sticking up like horns. “Don’t listen to that naive dimwit! We need to show the world that that vile succubus and her larva don’t deserve any ‘best wishes’ to be sent their way. How about we discreetly spread some nasty rumours about how the father of the child is a descendant of Lee Terallihitlah, the Butcher of Bigtopia? You’ll see, all sympathy for that serpent and her spawn will melt away like snow.”
  3. “Oh we can do far better than a few rumours,” whispers Miriam Asda, a refugee whose family died in one of Blackacre’s many wars of aggression. She beckons to you from the shadows, to suggest a third, even darker path. “I suggest we send our best wishes, and maybe some baby gifts, laced with subtle biotoxins that will induce miscarriage. Trust me, she deserves nothing less.”
  4. A civil servant walks in on the meeting, and ruins the ambience by turning on the fluorescent ceiling lights. “Oh, uhm, s-sorry... but I came in to tell you that you could also simply ignore the entire affair. Pretend that you didn’t hear about the pregnancy because you were too busy volunteering in orphanages to follow international gossip. It’ll create a positive image of yourself, and you’ll have a great excuse to change the subject to how awesome you are.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has adopted a "Lightning Never Strikes Twice" approach to dealing with natural disasters.

2022-04-01 04:00

Great Balls of Fire!

Random Chaos is abuzz with news of a huge meteorite - dubbed ‘Big Max’ by the media - which smashed into a large town on the outskirts of Random Chaos City yesterday, killing thousands and leaving behind nothing but a smouldering crater.

  1. “We can’t let a little old boulder get the best of us!” bellows Marek Gruber, a burly military official. “We have to fight back! Show ‘em what we’re made of! With a little funding, we could develop some terrific new weapons for the next bit of flying rock that dares to threaten us! Nuke it to smithereens! If ever there was a time to prepare for space warfare, it is now!”
  2. “That’s all well and good,” interjects Professor Sashona Nakatomi, leading scientist at the Random Chaos Meteorological Office. “Except that the chances of a fall of this magnitude occurring twice in the same area are miniscule at worst. I propose you direct your funding to the real issue here - rebuilding the homes and properties that have been lost, and tending to the injured and traumatised. As soon as we’ve removed what’s left of Big Max for studying, you can make a start.”
  3. “Remove the greatest phenomenon Random Chaos has ever seen?!” cries Anne-Marie Thiesen, the famous museum tycoon. “Surely you can envisage the profit that could be had here? We should be opening the site for tourists! Think of the possibilities - guided tours, gift shops, theme parks! You don’t want to build on top of all that potential, do you? Besides, the old residents are all dead now anyway! I’m sure this is what they would have wanted.”
  4. “All of these ideas are either costly, ridiculous or both!” snorts your Spiritual Advisor, leaning over your desk. “Your people are frightened and vulnerable right now. They don’t want you to take action; they want you to tell them it’ll all be okay. We could use this! Tell them Big Max was a warning from the heavens! Strike the fear of the Mighty One into their hearts and they’ll do whatever you tell them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the institution of marriage is held sacred and strictly enforced.

2022-03-31 22:00

One Wife Is Never Enough, Say Polygamists

A small religious group is lobbying the government to allow them to take multiple wives.

  1. “It’s about time we had our religious rights recognized,” says Stephen Anderson, a devout member of a faith that is never made quite clear. “Who is the government to tell me I can’t love more than one woman? The government doesn’t know how much of me there is to go around!”
  2. “This is nothing more than sexual deviants using religion as a pretext for perversion!” says Reverend Vera Garcia. “Marriage is one man, one woman, and death do we part. What’s so hard to get? Anything else is a perversion, and must be banned.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, anti-vaxxers claim that injected children are prone to psychotic breaks when they see the 'Queen of Diamonds' playing card.

2022-03-31 17:00

A Cloak and Syringe Operation

Vague intelligence reports suggest yet another terrorist attack on Random Chaos City is being planned by Ultra-Violet, an especially extreme and hateful Violetist terrorist group from Tasmania. However, information is sketchy at best and the general feeling is that boots-on-the-ground intelligence will be needed to effectively assess and counter the potential threat.

  1. “Look, Leader, I’m going to be straight with you: there’s no nice or pretty solution here,” states Intelligence Director Alan Welsh-Boring, who is leading the search for Ultra. “We don’t have many Tasmanian contacts. Citizens of Random Chaos are viewed with extreme suspicion there, especially in the more rural areas that Ultra-Violet recruits from. My agents can pose as doctors who are vaccinating Tasmanians as part of the ongoing Spoon Pox eradication efforts. Doing this, they’ll be able to travel to the places they need to go, plant deep cover agents within the enemy ranks, and get critical intel to counter this terrorist threat.”
  2. “You can’t do that!” gasps Dr. Claude Borel, a member of the international non-governmental organization Doctors Without Quarters, who’s been crashing in one of your guest bedrooms for the past few weeks. “In a few years, our program may be able to eradicate Spoon Pox entirely. And it’s not just Spoon Pox... we’ve been vaccinating against other preventable diseases too, like Yellow Tongue and the dreaded Bendy Creaks. Your deceptions risk the credibility of all international medical aid efforts, and could set public health back by decades!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former state leaders include a TV comic and a cowboy actor.

2022-03-31 10:00

Man of the People

Junior Culture Minister T'Challa Chip is thirty years your senior, but he’s always had a twinkle in his eye, a love of showmanship, and a certain lightness of step. It was therefore less surprising than it might have been when he declared that he had been approached to be a contestant in the hit reality TV show Celebrity Jungle Idol Dancing Factor. Mindful that his actions reflect on your government, he’s asking your permission to go ahead with this.

  1. “I see this as a great opportunity to get viewers interested in politics!” he says, adjusting the crotch of his sequinned leotard. “The viewing and voting public adore this show, and my going on there would be great for political engagement, great for government popularity and — I admit — great for the sales of my upcoming memoirs. It’s just a bit of fun... You wouldn’t begrudge me that, would you?”
  2. “No, no, and thrice no! Have we lost all sense of decorum?” asks Party Whip Yoko Flanders, trembling visibly at the thought of it all. “The mindless mob will mock us! This will undermine respect for the government and for your leadership! Frankly, this nation needs a better class of television programmes. Perhaps you could use tax incentives and subsidies to persuade the TV stations to stop running this lowbrow trash, and instead have an uplifting schedule of operettas, ballets, educational documentaries and the like? We’d be a culturally and mentally richer nation for it.”
  3. “We absolutely should let my honourable colleague make a fool of himself,” says Daenerys McBoatface, your Minister of Spin. “In fact, we should make a point of directing our politicians to feature in mindless lowbrow drivel like this as often as possible. When the masses are laughing at us they won’t notice as we tighten our grip on the country. Laughter breeds complacency, and complacency opens the door to control.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Welfare Programs and Most Advanced Defense Forces and the Top 10% for Largest Arms Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military has forsaken terrestrial warfare.

2022-03-31 04:00

You Just Sank My Battleship!

Last month the Random Chaosian Navy’s flagship scandalously sank while docked in the Lahabana Harbor. After analysis, experts concluded the primary cause was rust from poor maintenance.

  1. “Can’t you see we need a hand in the navy?” complains Commodore Federico Wu while directing a diving crew, “How are we supposed to maintain our fleet if our routine maintenance budget is so paltry? Bigtopia has better warships, and you can’t tell me they’re a martial powerhouse. Grant me as much funding as I need so this doesn’t ever happen again.”
  2. “This only proves that battleships are obsolete,” concludes Kitty Einstein after watching the newest Star Trek movie, “Random Chaos needs weapons to combat the problems of the 23rd, I mean 21st century. We need to start research and development of an interstellar fleet or we’ll be left behind in the arms race against... I dunno, Klingons?”
  3. “I know the real cause of this catastrophe,” claims Crazy Boris, your least reliable spy, “Blackacre is obviously behind this attack. The signs of sabotage are everywhere.” He takes a swig of vodka before continuing, “The engine explosion was most likely caused by my old nemesis, Ussa Maddox. Give me a free hand and I’ll purge the spies that have infiltrated every level of Random Chaos.”
  4. “You’re all ignoring the bigger problem!” shouts a protester outside your office window, desperately trying to catch your attention, “That sunken battleship is polluting the environment horribly. All kinds of chemicals are seeping from the wreckage, and we’re doing nothing to clean it up. Instead of building yet another war machine, how about we clean up some of our old messes, starting with this shipwreck.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government provides its citizenry with the same mass produced rations.

2022-03-30 22:00

Supermarkets Gobbling Up All the Customers?

The recent boom in the nationwide supermarket Humongo-Mart has brought representatives from local mom and pop stores to your office demanding action be taken.

  1. “Humongo-Mart is destroying our livelihoods!” shouts Hyrum Barber, the owner of a small butchery, while waving a bloody cleaver. “These chains are over-saturating our cities with ridiculously low prices. I simply can’t compete. You need to put a stop to this. We need more regulations dictating where these supermarkets can be.”
  2. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” scoffs business columnist Melissa Goldsmith. “You want to punish businesses if they become too successful? They started small just like everyone else. If you regulate or — heaven forbid — ban big business, can you imagine the fallout? Without corporations to compete with, these small shops could gouge their prices. Never mind what capping industry growth would do to the economy. If anything we need less government meddling.”
  3. “This raises an interesting question,” begins amateur philosopher Taika Moore. “Why should we leave an essential commodity such as food up to the whims of profits and greed? The government needs to step in and take control of the means of food production in this country. You could ensure that every citizen is provided with a well-balanced, healthy meal instead of this overpriced slop. People shouldn’t have their health and basic needs held hostage by greedy corporations!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Eminence Grise" to "Power".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children as young as twelve are conscripted into the armed forces.

2022-03-30 16:00

Compulsory Military Service Under Attack

Concerned mothers and nervous school-leavers are petitioning the government to abolish compulsory military service.

  1. “Our children are forced to be trained to murder!” protests Fumiko Ono, chairperson of the Parents Against All Things Violent organisation. “For too long now the government has been snatching away our children and training them to become killing machines. This archaic practice must be banned at once! Sure, some of them could end up breaking into cars or terrorising old people, but hey, kids will be kids, right?”
  2. “What a preposterous idea!” scoffs Drill Sergeant Lars vanGogh. “The youth of Random Chaos has never needed the discipline provided by the armed forces more than it does today, and with all those rogue states out there we need all the recruits we can get! If anything, the government should lengthen the required service and drop the minimum age to something more reasonable.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians that report exaggerated crowd sizes for their speeches are dismissed for being delusional.

2022-03-30 10:00

Tilting at Wind Turbines

An unprecedented spectacle unfolded yesterday when Minister of Energy Don Lamancha was attending a conference on alternate energy resources. Lamancha is reported to have attacked a wind turbine with an improvised spear, all the time shouting loudly that it was trying to kill him. It turns out that the minister was suffering from schizophrenia, which he had not previously disclosed for fear of losing his job.

  1. “My behaviour was completely uncalled for,” apologizes Lamancha. “My medication timings were a little mixed up by all the travelling, and I genuinely believed for a moment that the wind turbine was a giant. I assure you, I am still capable of doing my job, and it would be a good thing for this country if you were to show some kindness here. No-one should be discriminated against because of mental illness.”
  2. “He must stand down!” grandiosely demands your Secretary of State Sigmund Narcissus, stepping directly in front of the Energy Minister with clear intent to exclude the man. “It’s fine for mentally weak people to participate in low-level jobs like pizza delivery or drink-bottling, but they have no business being in government. Imagine the danger that we would face if we left cruise missile launch codes with a psychotic individual! Politicians with mental disorders must be given the sack.”
  3. “That doesn’t go far enough!” screams your National Security Advisor, who appears to be wearing a highly-reflective helmet. “How can we be sure that people with mental disorders won’t poison our food or sabotage our infrastructure in a fit of madness? We must bar them completely from all forms of employment. That way-” He stops abruptly and glares suspiciously at a nearby television. “Can we adjourn to another room? I think we’re being spied on.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Retail Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a petition to improve Random Chaosian literacy is mostly signed with cross-marks.

2022-03-30 04:00

A Textbook Cover-Up?

The newest edition of the nation’s leading history textbook, Random Chaos: A Complete Record, has generated serious controversy after critics noted the omission of an infamous massacre that nearly led to the extinction of an aboriginal Random Chaosian tribe.

  1. “The omission was a deliberate choice,” declares CEO Doris Yeltsin of McBlah-Shill, the publisher who issues the textbook in question. “There is a serious lack of primary source information regarding the event, so anything we publish would rely heavily on unreliable secondhand accounts.” Leaning in a little closer and speaking lower so only you can hear, she adds: “The fact is, schools are less inclined to invest in material that is both depressing and uncomfortable to talk about. It turns out that parents would prefer their children receive the most positive image of our country possible, and tend to complain otherwise.”
  2. “Take a wild guess why original documentation on this topic is so sparse!” exclaims indigenous Random Chaosian Jean-Luc Erso as he spits into your complimentary copy of the offending textbook before slamming it shut. “Your mainstream society has made every effort to conceal or destroy any evidence that might shed light on these atrocities, and with this latest incident you risk repeating the mistakes of the past. Please, Leader, we mustn’t whitewash the historical narrative. Regardless of how painful it may be, we owe it to ourselves and to the victims of this genocide — to my people — to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
  3. “So what if some dumb event got left out?” stammers your nephew, a straight-D student attending the prestigious Springtide High. “You can’t expect a country’s entire history to fit into a single textbook! Plus, with all the subjects we’re required to learn already, it’s any wonder we retain anything at all! I say we cut the humanities altogether — history, philosophy, the arts — heck, even reading! Who cares as long as kids can speak the language?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, soldiers are taught to throw their guns at their enemies once the bullets have run out.

2022-03-29 22:00

No Tern Left Unstoned

Amongst bored youths — who seemingly have little else to do — an increasingly common pastime is stone-throwing. Teens and children have taken to lobbing pebbles at any available target, be it a glazed window, a passing seabird or an innocently wandering politician. As you’ve had your hat knocked off for the third time this morning, it may be time to address the problem.

  1. “All those poor animals,” mewls your Minister for the Environment, reverently laying onto the floor a dead seagull that was stoned to death five days ago, and which is starting to reek. “These children infest our streets like the maggots infesting the wings of this bird! We need to take decisive action: cops on the street, arresting any youth with a stone in hand.”
  2. “This is a social disease,” counters your Welfare Minister, spraying the rotting carcass with a disinfectant. “The problem here is a lack of empathy, and the best way to solve that is with education outreach programs designed to teach youngsters about consequences and taking personal social responsibility.” She nudges the dead bird out of your office door for someone else to clean up.
  3. “Look, a little youthful high spirits never hurt anybody,” consoles your Minister of Political Dismissiveness, as a stone sails in through your open window and hits the Welfare Minister directly on the nose. “As far as I’m concerned this is great for the glaziery industry, great for seaside pest control and great for spirited political commentary. Let’s just get some hard hats and a handful of stones, and return fire at the little tykes in a good-natured way. Fun and games for everyone.”
  4. “Actually, this is a great opportunity,” notes your Minister of Defence. “Imagine all that hand-eye coordination put to use throwing knives or lobbing grenades. We should be encouraging this hobby with national stone-throwing leagues, and keeping recruiters on hand to convince the winners to sign up for military careers.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Maxtopian Grass flags adorn every college dorm room.

2022-03-29 16:00

Caught Green Handed

A surprising number of politicians from all walks of life have admitted to smoking Maxtopian Grass and other soft drugs. Some are calling this a fragrant disregard of the law, while others believe this should spark a major shift in the nation’s War on Drugs.

  1. “Isn’t this typical?” scoffs columnist Erica Coleman, “Once again these crooked politicians are getting away with things that would see regular folk punished. The government is sending a very mixed message by not acting on this. They decry drugs, yet several of their own are known users. If the government has any sense of credibility they would send these criminals to rehab with the rest of the druggies.”
  2. “On the contrary; this sends a very clear message,” replies a man with a large beard while smoking an unidentifiable substance, “The latest surveys show that the majority of citizens disagree with the government on this issue. More people than ever before are supporting legalization, particularly among youth. It seems like a few of our politicians have finally caught on. Instead of punishing these brave men and women for a victimless crime, let’s do something positive and legalize the stuff already.”
  3. “I’ve got an idea!” suggests Kareem Kasher, an advisor you thought you’d fired last month, “We can’t alienate our conservative base by legalizing drugs, but we also don’t want to send our political allies to jail. What if all the politicians wrapped up in this scandal set the record straight by saying they didn’t inhale? That’s what we experts call deniable plausibility.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the realistic depiction of tentacles is on the core syllabus of most art schools.

2022-03-29 10:00

Animation Provocation

When media boss Ian Tivruski green-lighted a new Brancalandian animated series for the Random Chaosian Kids Network, he thought he was commissioning a delightful children’s show about metal-working amazons who knit cozy jumpers for their grandkids. As it turns out, the surprisingly explicit animation Sword Heroins: Love Needle has caused a lot of confusion amongst young viewers, and upset many parents.

  1. “Innocent children’s minds need to be protected from such corruption,” declares noted moral guardian Maria Polytunnel. “To achieve this, we should set up a Children’s Regulatory Animation Panel, with me as its fully-paid leader, of course. We can then deem what is and what is not suitable for broadcast.”
  2. “Should we blame these images on TV? No! Blame Brancaland!” declares angry mother Sheila Brelufski. “We should send tanks, and planes, and soldiers to the Brancalandian borders, threatening war unless they stop making this filth!”
  3. “I don’t get why people are complaining, to be honest,” dissembles Tivruski defensively. “Clearly, we added ‘Sword Heroins’ to our line-up to educate children about the dangers of peer pressure, drug abuse, and challenging everyone you vaguely dislike to a duel. Let us broadcast what we like when we like, even if it does challenge the tastes of some of our more easily offended viewers. Stand up for free speech, and endorse our decision, Leader.”
  4. “I think we’re ignoring a broader issue here,” bemoans frustrated animator Parker Stonetrey, “which is that animated art forms are never taken seriously enough to be considered anything more than kiddie fare. I say that we develop Random Chaos’s artistic vision and creativity by subsidising adult animation. When people think Random Chaos, they should think hentai!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Arms Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are now allowed to discuss whether Leader is the greatest ruler ever or simply the greatest ruler of this generation.

2022-03-29 04:00

Every Breath You Take

While another treacherous dissident was being dragged off to execution for not applauding with adequate fervor during your last national address, Yasmin Wickwire, your Minister of Law and Order, happened to overhear him yell, “The Random Chaosian government might as well outlaw breathing next!” Upon hearing this, she immediately rushed to your office, where she now stands with a wicked smile on her face.

  1. “Why didn’t I think of this sooner?” asks the Minister, bouncing up and down on her tiptoes. “With a law against breathing on the books and a bit of selective enforcement, this will be a panacea. We won’t have to bother with the work of spying and coming up with trumped-up charges; anyone that we have the faintest inkling of being disloyal can simply be arrested for violating the breathing statute and be done with it.”
  2. “Maybe the fact that we’re even considering this says that Random Chaos has gotten just a tiny bit too... uh... authoritarian,” whispers Cortana Douglas, a low-level aide, while shaking uncontrollably with fear. “Maybe we could give the people just a tiny bit more freedom of thought and the like? I’m not talking anything too radical. I love your glorious regime as much as the next Random Chaosian, but maybe a bit of exchange of ideas between citizens could make it even better?” She glances at your Minister of Law and Order nervously, and then hastily continues. “Or not. Whatever you think is best! Gotta run!”
  3. “While I don’t support outlawing breathing outright, I do think there’s something to this,” states Ilya Levi, a cranky old man who has somehow wandered into your office. “Like those annoying mouth-breathers sitting next to you just gasping away while you’re trying to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee. Or those neighbors that keep you up all night with their loud snoring. No, breathing is fine; just make sure everyone keeps it quiet.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no suburban lawn is complete without barbed wire and landmines.

2022-03-28 22:00

A Gun in Every Hand and a Tank in Every Garage?

It’s no secret that Random Chaos is one of the most gun-happy nations in The Hatrackia. While guns are legal, a few restrictions do exist. Now, gun-toting citizens are demanding that the government expand gun rights to include bazookas, tanks, and other military-grade weapons. Naturally, the proposal has some concerned citizens up in arms.

  1. “It is the right of every patriotic citizen to own any kind of weapon they desire,” explains conservative actor and gun activist Charles Hester, who recently starred in the anti-war film Planet of the Gamblers. “Why should the military be the only ones trusted with these weapons? The fact that we can’t have them is nothing short of government tyranny and a liberal conspiracy to take our guns away! Some will say that this will be dangerous, but I doubt anyone will be talking smack when they see that well-polished tank on my front lawn!”
  2. “Damn right only the military should have these weapons!” firmly states Commander Margaret Zhu, while twirling the keys to a tank around her finger. “Do you really want to trust the average Random Chaosian with these dangerous weapons? We’d have people blowing each other up the moment there’s an argument over wind chimes, for Violet’s sake! In fact, what you need to do is provide more military funding so we can better secure these weapons before they fall into the wrong hands.” The keys slip from the commander’s grasp and fly out an open window.
  3. “You want to bring MORE weapons into Random Chaos?” despairs your ultra-liberal teenage niece, who is busy painting an anti-gun placard for her fifth march this year. “If anything, we need LESS weapons! The only thing guns are good for is killing people. Just look at all the statistics linking easily accessible guns to violent crime. Take a look at Brancaland’s sensible gun control legislation. They haven’t had a mass shooting in decades. We had one last week. If you have any compassion left in your body, you’d ban all guns now! Pry them out of their cold, dead fingers if you have to!”
  4. “Military grade weaponry doesn’t kill people, ignorance kills people,” counters the chairperson of the Responsible Gun Owners Association. “If all Random Chaosians were taught how to responsibly shoot, drive a tank, and fire an anti-aircraft rocket launcher, there’d be none of these so-called accidents you hear about. I don’t have a problem with the average citizen driving a tank as long as they’ve completed proper education and safety training. Then all those gun-grabbers can stop trying to infringe on our right to self-defense, and let us own whatever weapons we like.”
  5. “As my dear mother always said: ‘every problem has a compromise. Or in failing a compromise, a loophole,’” quotes your Minister of Compromises. “Citizens want to have machine guns, bazookas, and tanks? Let them have as many as they want, but let’s make sure that only the police and military have access to ammunition for military-grade weapons. This way they still get their precious weapons of war while we protect public safety. Maybe they can open up a museum or something. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t trust any of the idiots in this country with anything more dangerous than string.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, moonshine has made a resurgence.

2022-03-28 16:00

Last Call for Alcohol?

The Random Chaos City Police Department has reported an upsurge in alcohol-related crime in recent weeks, with bar-fights, vandalism, and street violence all on the rise. Now, with a drunken city councilor involved in a street brawl with an equally drunk Brancalandian ambassador, it is perhaps time for you to intervene in the embarrassing levels of booze-fueled mayhem.

  1. “These pubs are cesspools of crime and delinquency!” rages Temperance League founder and avowed pacifist Virginia Dice, throwing a bottle full of perfectly good beer on the floor, smashing it. “And don’t forget the broken families and long-term health problems associated with drinking yourself to death! The government must ban all alcoholic drinks and shut down every last bar in Random Chaos in order to safeguard public safety.”
  2. “Maybe just a selective ban? After all, beer doesn’t get you drunk nearly as quickly as whiskey or vodka,” proposes Chun-Li Fowler, who has the difficult job of cleaning up all the messes in the Surly Wench Pub. “Just set an upper limit of 6% ABV. That way people still have a way to blow off steam, but they’ll be a little less likely to smash bottles or brawl over the gamblerball game.”
  3. “I can do... what I want... with my body,” staggers Horatio McCartney, who is already drunk at 10 in the morning. “The government should just get off my... back.” The sot abruptly falls down.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nationalised Arms Manufacturing Industry is not interested in making weapons.

2022-03-28 10:00

Armed and Legging It

Walking down the corridors of power at your usual brisk pace, you’re caught a little off guard when one of your accompanying clerks suddenly crumples to the ground mid-stride, her left lower leg detaching from the rest of her. To your relief, the dismembered member of staff has in fact lost a prosthetic limb rather than an organic one. As you help her up, she explains that her prosthetic is a cheap import of low quality: she’d love a better one, but high quality models are far and few between.

  1. “Many people just can’t move forward in our nation because of limb loss,” says your assistant, ambling carefully. “My colleagues and I believe that we - the government - should use our resources and staff to research new designs and help these people live their lives to the fullest.”
  2. “I respectfully disagree with this idea,” states Omar Torres, CEO of LiteTeck Inc, while handling a plastic foot. “The government should have no involvement in prosthetic research. You’d be kicking the legs out from under private manufacturers by denying them a market. Our investors would rather you arm them against this possibility with tax breaks and subsidies. With a little investment, Random Chaos could be a world leader in strapped-on flesh-coloured plastic appendages.”
  3. “There’s another way to reach out to the limbless,” says Theresa Cho, a volunteer from the charitable Open Hands Society. “3D-printed limbs can be produced for anyone, by anyone. If one wears out or becomes outdated, it can be tossed, and a new one printed. Along with that, citizens can work together to design limbs that work for them. Why not send some money to the non-profit foundations that are developing these things? You’ll be helping not only here in Random Chaos, but also the disabled of third world nations that the charities serve.”
  4. “You can’t incorporate the artificial into the natural without diminishing your connection to the living world of spirits,” pipes up Ariel Janssen, Priestess of the Earth Divinities, whose presence in your entourage is even more unexpected than that of the last two speakers. “If you are missing a limb, then accept that The Mother loves you for who you are and that fate chose that destiny for you. Leader, if you ban prostheses, you’ll teach self-reliance and self-love. Meditation and thankful prayer will lift broken souls, even if broken bodies must stay earthbound. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to visit my podiatrist.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military has declared war on all religious influence.

2022-03-28 04:00

Preach With Me if You Want to Live

The military has seen a sharp rise in complaints against chaplains who often pressure soldiers, particularly atheists and those adhering to foreign religions, into converting prior to battle. Military officials and soldiers have come for your guidance as the chaplain issue has brought troop morale to an all time low.

  1. “Of course we need chaplains, for the soldiers’ peace of mind!” pleads long-serving chaplain, fourth Lieutenant Norman Goff while taking a break from trying to convert your staff. “If we give them the comfort and blessings of the Creator, their quality of life, happiness, and motivation will greatly improve. Granted, they may lose focus from all the people trying to convert them, but at least their souls will join the Creator!”
  2. “Oh please. The last thing I need before I die is some loudmouth preacher trying to convert me!” complains pessimistic Private and proud atheist Jamling Moore as he uses your handkerchief to polish his weapon. “All us soldiers would be better off, and more willing to stay alive, without these crazy chaplains telling us how ‘our deaths are meaningless’ or that we’re ‘eternally damned’ if we don’t convert. For the sake of soldiers’ peace and quiet, military chaplains must be banned! Religion has no place in the military.”
  3. “Well, the problem isn’t the presence of religion, it’s that my troops are hearing it in the wrong place,” suggests the devout seventh battalion commander, Captain Brenda Svensson. “We must make the military accommodating to all beliefs in the interest of tolerance and fairness. Sure, you might end up with some oddballs, like that captain in ninth battalion who worships the flying purple meatball monster or people who don’t believe anything at all, but hey, at least our troops can find their own path to spiritual enlightenment.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, morale within the seismologist community has hit rock bottom.

2022-03-27 22:00

All Shook Up

Thousands of people were forcibly evacuated from a small town in North Random Chaos because of a predicted earthquake... which did not arrive. Weeks later, displaced residents are irate at the inconvenience.

  1. Dressed in several-day-old pajamas, angry retiree Eve Ward clambers over security to reach your desk. “I fled my home to avoid an earthquake, and I had to live in my sister-in-law’s house for weeks! I hate my sister-in-law! I demand an end to mandatory evacuations, and that the so-called ‘scientists’ be fined for making terrible predictions!”
  2. “It’s not our fault,” sighs bedraggled geologist Rebecca Dahl, pushing her glasses back onto her nose. “The problem is that we’re poorly funded and under-equipped. All we can do is make best guesses most of the time, and that’s to predict big aftershocks after small earthquakes. What we need is a grid of networked seismographs at one-mile intervals all across Random Chaos, higher wages to attract the best and brightest into seismology, and warning klaxons to tell people when to evacuate. Why, we’ll be able to predict earthquakes just seconds after they happen!”
  3. “I knew I shouldn’t have gone out of the house today!” cries full-time worrier Penny Kringle, adjusting a tight-fitting home-made protective bubble-wrap bodysuit. “If an earthquake was predicted but didn’t happen, who is to say it isn’t on its way? That town should never have been built in such an area of risk of quakes! We need to make sure all our population centers are in areas with no risk of earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, volcanoes, and landslides. I’m sure everyone would appreciate being safer!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many whiskies taste suspiciously like automobile radiators.

2022-03-27 16:30

A Whiskey Rebellion Brewing

After several dozen citizens were hospitalized due to drinking from a contaminated batch of moonshine, the people have been at loggerheads over who should have the right to manufacture and distribute spirituous beverages in Random Chaos.

  1. “Let’s be realistic here,” says Apu Rubio, President of the Manufacturing Alliance of Liquor Traders. “These home operations simply do not have the training, the experience, the equipment, or the political connections to be permitted to make their own whiskey! It’s all well and good that they talk about freedom, but the members of my association paid good money for their manufacturing licenses, and we maintain the highest standards of quality and purity. The government needs to protect us! People must not be allowed to make their own booze at home.”
  2. “This isn’t just some kind of bathtub gin we’re talking about,” says devoted distiller Emma Alvarez, while reviewing the print roll from her storage cellar’s hygrothermograph. “These are artisanal, maker-made, environmentally responsible, non-GMO, craft products that are far better than anything put out by those big-name distilleries! You can taste the difference! If some unscrupulous individual lets heavy metals leech in, or adds something unsafe, that’s not the fault of we connoisseurs! The government needs to back off, and give us all the liberty to make what we want in the privacy of our own homes!”
  3. “The bracing effect of a strong drink is absolutely top-notch for getting through the day!” opines Ebrius Foppington, a bearded gentleman wearing a top hat and monocle. “Why, I myself have several such drinks each morning, noon, and night! It helps keep the humors in balance, and makes socializing quite rather more tolerable. Really, we ought to require that everybody over the age of ten make their own suds, and partake regularly to ensure they don’t become phlegmatic. Bottoms up!”
  4. “Home distilling and compulsory drinking?” shrieks Citizens Against Drinking activist Kamehameha Frederickson, clutching his heart dramatically. “What kind of horrifying nightmare world are you trying to create? Did you know that, according to the Department of Made-Up Statistics, 47.2% of all crime is related to alcohol? Are you trying to increase that number? What Random Chaos needs is to remove alcohol not just from our homes, but from the whole nation! Enact prohibition - there can be no exceptions!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, celebrity wrestlers thumb their nose at due process.

2022-03-27 10:00

I Declare a Thumb War

A long-lost treaty with the aboriginal population of Random Chaos has been recently and conveniently uncovered, guaranteeing the right to settle legal cases by the traditional means of Thumb War. Documents in hand, Elder Arist ‘Finger Crusher’ Horner is seeking to settle a longstanding real estate ownership dispute with a frail and arthritic CEO in the Random Chaosian uranium mining industry.

  1. “For too long, my people have been denied our rights to this valuable land, and the economic power it brings,” he roars, working an enormous exercise band with his equally enormous thumbs. “You must respect our rights, and prove that your government is honorable. Tell you what, rather than deciding government policy with debates and chatter, why don’t you stick out that puny thumb of yours, Leader, and let’s get this over with. I promise not to humiliate you... much!”
  2. “Now hold on a moment!” interjects General Karol Perkins, head of an eccentric military research branch. “We shouldn’t thumb our nose at this treaty, but see how it doesn’t specify who they face off against? My office has been secretly developing a mechanical exo-suit, and it’s time to field test our new Mega Glove! I bet one of our soldiers would make a great champion!”
  3. “Who’s got two thumbs and a money making idea? This guy!” enthuses television executive Gyelbu Watterson, pointing at himself. “Instead of tying up the real courts with this sort of thing, let me make a legally-binding reality-sports-procedural show out of it! Think of the viewing numbers! Everybody will tune in to see if the plucky bar-room thumb wrestler can train enough to overcome the mighty hands of big business lawyers over the course of a season... no, two seasons! Oh, the montages we’ll have!”
  4. “Whoever wrote this must have been all thumbs... I don’t think our government can really be held accountable for it,” weasels your Minister of Exceptions. “It’s so badly written, I practically need a translator to read it! Just tie it up in court with endless challenges to what each word means — I’m sure it’ll get thrown out eventually.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Advanced Public Transport.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, invasive drug testing is now performed at elementary school sports days.

2022-03-27 04:00

Suspicious Superhuman Athletes?

Vance Armstorm, a seven time Tour de Random Chaos winner, has been accused of taking drugs that enhance overall performance in sports, and has subsequently been stripped of all his titles. Pundits now say the problem has spread into other sports like Gamblerball, and the The Hatrackia Olympics.

  1. “They might as well put on capes and masks to go with that spandex!” exclaims sports commissioner Sarah Head, while reviewing a video of a recent Olympic try-out. “I’ve seen weightlifters lift 200 kgs for five minutes straight, and marathon runners not even looking tired in the 40th kilometer! We need tighter doping laws in all sports and better drug testing equipment. For the sake of fairness in all sports in Random Chaos, we need to test every athlete we can find!”
  2. “Come on, I didn’t do anything wrong,” asserts Vance Armstorm, while sipping a suspiciously glowing energy drink. “These allegations are nothing but a ploy by my competitors to discredit my hard work and natural superiority. I’ve trained all my life to be in this competition! Drug tests are an insulting invasion of my privacy. They should be outlawed! I say I’m clean. The team doctor says I’m clean. Shouldn’t our word be enough?”
  3. “I don’t really understand what issue is,” muses Alexei Palpatine, a burly Smalltopian diplomat, from a couch in the executive lounge. “I watch sports to see best compete against best. Who cares if they take drug or drinking chemical to be stronger and faster? Give all athlete drug!” As he speaks, he is rapidly switching between three different sporting events on TV. “Stronger, faster, BETTER, if you ask me!”
  4. “Stronger, faster... broken,” comments former world heavyweight boxing champion Engelbert Venkman, speaking unusually slowly. “We... break ourselves; we break each other. Taking drugs... just makes it worse. Anything to win. Anything. The problem isn’t... isn’t... drugs. The problem is sports. If you value athletes as people... as human... beings... you need to ban sports.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a fashion designer has been arrested for inciting hatred after claiming redheads couldn't pull off vermillion.

2022-03-26 21:00

Sticks and Stones

Nicholas Condor, a prominent Bigtopian activist and soapbox orator, caused quite a stir last week when he publicly called for the complete extermination of the people of Random Chaos, accusing fellow citizens of being ‘sub-human’, ‘immoral’, and ‘really ugly too’. Citizens Against Intolerance, a pressure group aiming to reduce social inequality, has demanded that the government put more resources into combating hate speech. Coincidentally, another society, also called Citizens Against Intolerance, has stood up for Mr Condor, claiming that inhibiting his speeches would be a violation of his right to free speech.

  1. “I can’t believe we’re even debating this,” says Buffy Hamilton, who was present at the infamous speech. “Doesn’t it worry you that a man, who would obviously be happier if we all died horrible, painful deaths, is allowed to walk around in public? Let him continue and he’ll cause a riot! Free speech is supposed to protect people! But talking about genocide and killing, well... that doesn’t help anyone. It breaks society. It drives us apart. Hate speech is a very serious crime, Leader. You can’t just ignore it.”
  2. “Words by themselves can’t hurt anyone,” counters Haakon Normous, a free speech advocate. “We don’t need to be ‘protected’ from hearing different opinions for goodness’ sake! Oh, what a boring place the world would be if we all had the same thoughts! You can’t punish people for disagreeing with you! That’s crazy! I hate my mother-in-law, but if I told her so and she then tried to stab me with a kitchen knife then the problem is obviously hers - not mine.”
  3. “I agree to an extent,” ventures Mamiko True, your Minister of Domestic Security. “But insulting one person is not the same as insulting an entire social grouping. The wrong word in the wrong place and you WILL have violence on the streets: that’s the reality we live in, whether you like it or not. If we want to make any real difference then we need to nudge cultural values in the right direction with government awareness programmes and the like. Educate the masses! Laying down a reactionary law will just fuel resentment in the long run.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, distrust of taps has many people bathing only with bottled mineral water.

2022-03-26 15:00

Bottled Up Problems

Panic has spread across Random Chaos after a study found some bottled water manufactured in Random Chaos to be contaminated by E. coli. Consumers’ rights groups have called on you to address this problem, so you’re attending a tour of Random Chaos’s largest bottling plant with some interested parties.

  1. “Bottled water is a scam!” yells consumer rights advocate Michelangelo Payne, while getting glared at by various employees. “Did you know, tap water is tested way more often than bottled? Or that some greedy corporations take tap water and mark it up more than ten thousand percent? We need to make the public aware of this! All that is necessary is to advertise tap water, and cut subsidies to the soda industry. It is better for you, me, the environment, and everyone else!”
  2. “These claims are just ridiculous!” exclaims Sofia Ward, CEO of Glowing Brook Spring Water & Industrial Waste Disposal, while hesitantly taking a small sip of her product. “Our water has been tested by the best inspectors money can buy, and it’s been certified as organic. If anything the government should be promoting bottled water; perhaps with a public health campaign encouraging people to drink eight bottles a day to stave off dehydration.”
  3. “There’s a sensible solution to all this,” states health inspector Avery Dahl, opening a bottle of water while wearing goggles and a respirator. “Hire more health inspectors! We can take some money from some less vital government programs, like welfare and the military, and then send in government inspectors to do daily testing on the water sources and filtration systems. Also, would it kill you to raise our salaries a bit? Because E. coli in your next meal might.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, public ferries only carry enough lifeboats for the first-class passengers.

2022-03-26 09:00

Fares Fair?

A recent audit of transit systems across Random Chaos revealed more cobwebs than coins in ticket vending machines, even though trains, buses, and ferries are as crowded as ever. Worried about rising numbers of fare evaders and the resulting decline in revenue, your Minister of Transportation urges you to take action — starting by going down into the local subway and seeing the problem for yourself.

  1. “The trains are barely running!” laments a subway driver, leaning out the window as the train releases a worrisome hiss. “I got stuck in the tunnel for an hour yesterday because of a faulty electrical line, but the higher-ups say there’s not enough money to fix it. To get transit budgets back on track, we need to raise ticket prices until we have enough to cover the full cost of keeping systems in operation. Sure, some people still won’t pay, but with the extra money from riders who do, this ol’ train could finally get a tune-up.”
  2. “Like fares aren’t already a rip off!” yells a teenager who was just arrested for attempting to jump over a fare gate. “Transit should be free! Everyone has the right to get where they need to go — rich people, poor people, people like me who, uh... left their transit pass at home. You have some tax money lying around to cover free fares, right?”
  3. “If you can’t pay the fare, don’t ride the train,” retorts police officer Federico Wong as he handcuffs the teen. “What we really need is more cops on the system to make sure everyone pays. Not only will it ensure steady fare revenue, but the trains will be safer too. To stop scofflaws like this one, we’ve also gotta get new security cameras, impregnable fare gates, heftier fines for fare-evading, and — hey, get back here!”
  4. “It’s not about the quantity of tickets you sell, but quality,” sneers Mr. Ron Opoly, a tycoon who owns all four railroads in a nearby coastal resort city. “It is only proper that the upper crust should travel in a manner befitting our wealth and status. My peers and I could be convinced to leave our limos if you added luxury train cars to subways, first-class reclining seats to buses, and private cabins to ferries. Those of us who like to travel in style will gladly pay more for a more refined transit experience, and our premium tickets will easily keep your budget afloat. The rest of the teeming masses can pack into steerage like they always have.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, forest fires have dropped dramatically as there are hardly any forests left.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Psychotic Dictatorship" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2022-03-26 03:00

Only Leader Can Prevent Forest Fires

Large forest fires are raging across Random Chaos. Tens of thousands of acres have already been burned, houses in rural communities have been destroyed, and the resultant smoke has drifted into Random Chaos City, ruining your plans to spend the day tanning.

  1. “This is just another example of public sector failure,” opines former timber baron and current timber industry lobbyist Bolin Berenstein. “Put these forests back in our hands, and we’ll have these forest humming again in no time - with chainsaws, that is. We’ll clear out all this built-up fuel faster than you can say, ‘TIMBER’. You can even call us environmentalists because it’s in our own interest to plant new trees, and then cut them down again, of course.”
  2. “That’s just not cool, man,” mutters Heech, of the stoner comedy duo Heech and Hemp. “These forests have evolved with fire for aeons. The problem is Man, man. We need to stop ‘managing’ forests and just let the fires do their thing. Communities living in forested areas need to either move out or adapt to fires. As for the smoke...” He pauses and takes a long puff of something you can’t quite see, then after coughing uncontrollably for a while adds: “...we just need to adapt.”
  3. “No!” cries former martial arts prodigy and current forest ranger Gillian Gutenberg, while bribing you with a picnic basket that was allegedly taken from a bear. “We just need a bit more money. Not just for fire suppression, but for preventative measures, like creating defensible spaces around homes, thinning out logs and small trees, prescribed fire, and arresting potential arsonists. Fires will be smaller and more manageable and everyone will be happy.”
  4. “All this hand-wringing about forest land management is so interesting,” sarcastically comments Llewellyn Navarrete, whose family lost their home to the fire. “Oh, wait, no, I don’t care, BECAUSE MY HOUSE BURNT DOWN! Thousands of people have lost their homes and what are you doing about it? We need emergency help now. Let’s take all the money we’re wasting on so-called ‘land management’ and put it into something useful, like disaster relief and rebuilding our homes and communities.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian police have to pay out of their own pockets for bulletproof vests.

2022-03-25 21:30

Your Stuff Is Forfeit

Property rights advocates and drug law reformers are up in arms this week. In the largest criminal asset forfeiture in Random Chaos’s history, the immense mansion of prominent citizen Alvin Woofsdale was seized after his nephew was arrested for dealing drugs. With the property already at auction and the legislature twiddling its thumbs as usual, your chief of staff invited the loudest voices into your office to vent their opinions on the matter.

  1. “Forfeiture is a barbaric, medieval practice whose time has come,” grumbles Woofsdale as he compulsively rubs his nose. “I had no idea what that little scamp was doing; heck, I wasn’t even in the country at the time! Yet the police can seize and sell off my whole house without even charging me with a crime, let alone convicting me! And ordinary folks are even worse off when it happens to them, who’s gonna help them get their homes back? It’s simply time to stop, if we believe in freedom, we must outlaw forfeiture!”
  2. “If cops take a little money from drug dealers and their associates, I ain’t seeing no problems with it,” bluntly states the trench coat clad Kumar Small, who has a prominent scar on his face. “I may have even made a few chips myself doing something similar. All in the game, right? Y’all oughta make it easier for cops to take drug dealers’ stuff, that way police will be able to keep policing and drug dealers won’t be able to afford to stay in business, all on the cheap for tax payers.”
  3. “Shoooooooot!” exclaims Mud Davidson, a high ranking government official, who is rumored to have a lifestyle suspiciously more luxurious than would be expected for his income. “We can’t afford to drop asset forfeiture, especially with tax receipts so low this year. But the police have too much incentive to use forfeiture, there needs to be oversight. I would like to head an independent Oversight Committee that would make sure the forfeiture does what it’s supposed to do and the government gets its cheques... uh, keep this in check.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parties that are too noisy are broken up to prevent disturbing wildlife.

2022-03-25 15:00

Random Chaos’s New Year’s Resolution: Lose Fewer Limbs

The Random Chaosian New Year has arrived again and citizens across the nation are setting off fireworks that light up the sky in a beautiful and awe-inspiring display. Lighting up Random Chaos’s roads, however, are the sirens of emergency vehicles tending to the injuries and fires caused by the explosive revelries. Your Minister of Safety has twisted your arm to personally investigate the situation, so you’ve reluctantly left your own New Year’s party to venture to the local hospital.

  1. A frazzled ER doctor, Lucy Dylan, begins lecturing you while distractedly stitching a patient. “I can’t take it any more! Every New Year, the number of patients in the burn ward explodes, and need for stitches skyrockets! Fireworks are clearly too dangerous for the untrained public to play with. We need to ban possession and use of fireworks without proper training. To keep the tradition of Random Chaosian New Year alive, the government can sanction shows and hire licensed professionals for the celebration. And hey, if I weren’t suddenly getting so many emergency calls on the New Year, maybe I’d actually have time to watch the show.”
  2. “That’s not going far enough,” interjects a local bird watcher Sancho Long, who is standing by the window, binoculars trained on a vulture by the hospital morgue. “It’s not a celebration for the birds whose sky we’re shooting into! Animals don’t understand what’s going on when unnatural flashes and scary noises suddenly start bursting all around them. If they dodge the explosions, noxious smoke is sure to drive birds out of the sky, while remains of spent fireworks littering the streets pose a swallowing hazard for scavengers. Licensing fireworks operators won’t change this. We need to ban all fireworks, and find less inconsiderate ways to entertain ourselves.”
  3. “That’s ridiculous,” retorts Amir Shakespeare - Chief Technical Officer of the Have a Blast fireworks factory, who is visiting the burns ward to hand out free sparklers to the injured. “Thunderstorms happen all the time in nature, and animals survive those. Fireworks are fabulous fun! If some drunken idiots can’t read the clear safety instructions we supply with all our products, then, well, that’s natural selection doing our species a favor. In fact, we should legalize use of fireworks all year round. Then we can celebrate anything, anytime, not just the New Year.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the banshee wail foretells skies of death.

2022-03-25 09:00

Siren Song

During a severe weather outbreak yesterday, weather sirens raised the alarm about the incoming danger. However, that didn’t seem to concern residents, who had grown all too used to constant tests and malfunctions associated with the aging system. Following dozens of fatalities, a discussion has arisen regarding the best method to warn the public about approaching weather threats.

  1. “I’m tired of weathering weather sirens!” shouts storm survivor Alan Sanders, still wearing his soggy raincoat. “I’m in my house, glued to my phone, when I thought I heard a train. Turns out, it was no train; it was a twister coming straight at me! Sure, I heard the sirens, but they go off all the time! Instead of listening out for old sirens, we should get official weather alerts through our phones. I mean, people definitely won’t ignore their cell phones!”
  2. “Well, not everyone has a cell phone, and what if its battery dies in the middle of a storm, what then?” questions Random Chaos Emergency Management spokesperson Dorothy Aran. “The biggest advantage to sirens is that we can assure that they will always work... as long as they aren’t old, malfunctioning, or whatever. It should be clear that a refit of the siren system is on the radar. All we need to do is update them to be more... attention-grabbing. I’m sure citizens won’t ignore weather sirens if we replace the wail with, say, a blood-curdling scream!”
  3. “Why is it the government’s responsibility to warn us of incoming life or death situations?” rants well-known libertarian political speaker Jean-Luc Gates, failing to intervene as his infant picks up a nearby nail gun. “It’s the responsibility of the individual to ensure their own safety. We shouldn’t be wasting chips maintaining a faulty, hardly-used system. I say we let the old siren system die, save ourselves some money, and call it a day. If the average Random Chaosian doesn’t have enough common sense to take caution when the weather gets bad, then I forecast that Random Chaos has a far bigger problem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the mentally ill are given high powered automatic weapons for "catharsis therapy".

2022-03-25 03:00

I Shot the Sheriff

Recently, the Sheriff of Gambler County was shot dead, seemingly without any motive. Further investigation revealed that the shooter had legally purchased a gun two days before, but had a history of severe mental illness, psychotic breaks, and paranoid delusions. Now, the process of purchasing firearms is being questioned.

  1. The shooter, James Cobblepot, swears that the killing was in self-defense, and strokes his teddy bear. “Me and Mr. Higgins here felt threatened by the police officer, so we had to defend ourselves somehow! You take away my firearms, and you’re taking away my safety! You start telling me I can’t have a gun because you don’t trust me, and BOOM, it’s slippery slope, all the way down to absolute tyranny!” He reaches for his sidearm to shoot you down, then remembers he has been disarmed. “Oh dear, Mr. Higgins, they’re eroding our liberties. You’re right, Mr. Higgins, that’s not good at all...”
  2. “Safety? You’re worried about your safety around the police?” asks Gambler County Deputy Sheriff Birgitta Kaine. “We’re the police force, for goodness sake! We protect the people! There I was, observing the town, waiting for a report and enjoying a bagel, then this madman shoots the sheriff dead and takes a pot shot at me too! Look, nobody is saying that people shouldn’t be allowed guns, but isn’t it reasonable to require a background check, a review of medical records, and a gun licensing system?”
  3. Gregg Räikkönen, local mall-goer and spoiled teen, offers a different solution. “Why don’t we just make a law that guns, have to be, like, really expensive? It’s not like those crazies are going to have a good job or anything. That way, only people who, like, are responsible members of society can get a gun.”
  4. Lucina Wright, editor of Socialist Random Chaos Magazine blows a raspberry at that idea. “What kind of nonsense is that? Letting the rich have all the power over the poor? I say that only the government is responsible enough to have access to firearms! That way, we can end capitalism and... wait, sorry, wrong proposal... I mean, we can end gun crime and make a safer nation!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Scoutmasters debate whether luxury log cabins defeat the purpose of camping.

2022-03-24 21:00

Scouting for Boys, Girls... Anyone?

The Random Chaosian Scouts, a volunteer youth group that teaches boys and girls outdoor survival skills, are reporting sharply declining numbers. The organization’s annual meet was attended by just seven and a half Scouts (as there was an unfortunate accident involving a canoe made out of recycled soup cans). Some within the community are urging the government to help revive interest in outdoor pursuits among young people.

  1. “Dear Leader, we humbly beg your favor!” is spelled out in woodcraft sign language on a poster decorated with pictures of tents, trees, and wild gamblers. The Scout who brought the poster into your office begins to explain, “Scouting has really suffered from a lack of state support. We give back to the community, learn valuable life skills, and get to socialize with other young people, all in the spirit of Random Chaosian patriotism. And with some government funding, maybe we could afford some slightly less frayed guide ropes for our climbing wall?”
  2. “Scouting is a hobby, nothing more,” grumbles notoriously chip-pinching auditor Kalden Deming. “What’s next, are we going to start giving subsidies to model aircraft building clubs? Knitting circles? Mustache enthusiasts? Treasury funds are for essential projects only. If the Scouts can’t get by without direct state support, then they should be allowed to fail.”
  3. “You’re talking about ending a tradition of Scouting that goes back more than a century!” complains Otohime Larson, a military historian who has won several awards for exceptionally dry accounts of dramatic battles. “I got my start in fieldcraft as a Scout, just like many of our nation’s greatest heroes. The young people of today don’t know what they’re missing out on. In fact, maybe if you forced them all to join the Scouts, they’d soon see what fun it was!”
  4. “All this tradition stuff is exactly why kids aren’t interested in Scouting anymore,” snarks your appallingly cynical niece, who only looks up from her phone to roll her eyes. “What use are badges for campfire building and map reading when we have central heating and GPS? If Scouting taught some more modern skills, maybe you’d have more young people interested.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parents are relieved they no longer need to help with their kids' algebra homework.

2022-03-24 15:00

Your Assignment, Should You Choose to Accept It

A coalition of middle-schoolers and educators have come into the spotlight for proposing that homework should be banned, claiming that it disadvantages the poor.

  1. “Homework is just another form of bourgeois subjugation!” exclaims surprisingly knowledgeable 12-year old Francis Holland, leader of the activist group School Children Raging Against Plutocratic Systems. “The children of the impoverished proletariat have far worse work environments after school - their parents usually have less time to assist them due to working multiple jobs, and they have fewer resources at hand. I suggest we set a level playing field and prohibit all homework.”
  2. “There is a legitimate concern raised here,” says Askia, an annoyingly hipster teacher, who prefers that his students address him by his first name only. “I agree homework should be banned for the sake of the poorer students, but it is a good source of cognitive production. Therefore, I propose a compromise: let’s ban homework, but even it out by lengthening the school day.”
  3. “The problem is these miscreants don’t have enough homework,” argues Mr. Bell, a frighteningly strict teacher, who then takes a moment to admonish Francis for sloppy deportment. “My advice is that every teacher, in every lesson, every day must be required to set at least an hour’s homework. That should keep the little buggers busy!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the lactose-intolerant are force-fed cheese products with predictably gassy results.

2022-03-24 09:00

Would a Rochebaron by Any Other Name Smell Just as Sweet?

A newly-founded religious group, Vive La Chèvre, has vigorously protested the government’s hard line against dairy farming.

  1. “It’s edam shame that cheese isn’t a delicious sector of our economy!” declares the fanatical Val Taleggio, who appears to have constructed clothing out of a variety of dairy products. “Cheese is love. Cheese is life. We must force people to eat cheese, regardless of their dietary problems, so everyone can learn to love one another in the name of dairy. Otherwise poor souls will live forever provolone.” He then starts building a shrine of cheese around your desk.
  2. “Cry me a river of cow’s milk. Cheese is an offense to our culture and everything we stand for, ¡No Parmesan!” decries perpetually confused anti-fascist and lifelong turophobe Jack Monterey. “It’s a vile and disgusting food that at least .02% of Random Chaos’s population believes to be immoral. The masses have spoken: cheese must be caerphilly removed from every corner of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Surely there’s potential for a compromise between those two emmental cases,” says Chippy Cheesie, president of Marche Noire’s biggest dairy firm. “Cheese is a promising sector of the Random Chaosian economy with huge potential for growth. It would be awful gouda you to spend a few tax chips to help build up a dairy industry from scratch. I’m sure Random Chaosians will appreciate having more of their food grown domestically, so the subsidy could even be popular.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teachers are skilled at leaving no evidence of child cruelty.

2022-03-24 03:00

Suffer Little Children

The Durum Pulsaverit Academy — a private educational institution for the offspring of an order of black-clad believers — has caused controversy when it was recently discovered that it was illegally administering corporal punishment on students for a variety of offences, including talking in class and poor penmanship.

  1. “Our accusers make it sound like there’s something cruel going on,” intones the school’s headmaster Killsin Barbon, who has a bimonthly lifestyle advice column in the order’s magazine: The Dour Digest. “They see not that it is done in love. A love of inflicting pai... piety. Youth is born wicked — disobedient, full of sin and forever questioning that which it pleases not their superiors to tell them — and such wickedness must be driven out. Our graduates are perfect citizens. Their sin-natures of treason and reason ripped from them, they then go through life as a meek and pure-minded mass. You should bring back corporal punishment in all schools. A beating a day keeps the badness at bay.”
  2. “Merciful Violet! What unnecessary brutality,” tuts Miranda Belcher, headmistress of the Creator of Good Counsel Academy. “Our Creator would never sanction such cruelty on the wayward cherubs. You can discipline them without harshness: writing ten thousand lines, scrubbing graffiti from the wooden desks with a toothbrush, holding a dictionary in each outstretched arm. Teachers who resort to violence show a clear lack of training. All teachers must be taught more functional methods of managing recalcitrant munchkins, and given the necessary tools.”
  3. “In the name of Her Jaundicedness, no!” An alarmed Marigold Grimes, Tranquil Yellowist and teacher from the Golden Light Academy, drops the daisy chain she’s been making. “This obsession with sin and punishment is precisely why so many see all religious people as nutjobs. Religious-run academies must report any staff member or parent who is suspected of breaking the law to the police, suspending staff from duty until the matter’s resolved. All schools must also submit to regular and thorough surprise inspections to prove they are the safe havens they ought to be.”
  4. “This is why religious schools are harmful,” says atheist Ronald Murphy. “Religious schools like Durum Pulsaverit barricade themselves with closed ideas, and augment them with abusive threats of eternal damnation. Look at this ten-year-old’s physics test: ‘How does electricity work?’, answer: ‘We can’t know’; ‘Why does electricity work?’, answer: ‘The Creator did it’. The kid got full marks! We should close every religious school, and put the children in state-run secular schools to focus on provable knowledge and scientific fact.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government baselessly accuses foreign dignitaries of being assassins.

2022-03-23 21:00

Only Leader Could Go to Dàguó

The Holy Emperor of the militaristic and isolationist nation Dàguó has invited you to his palace for a state dinner in an attempt to warm decades of frosty relations.

  1. “IT’S A TRAP!” shouts Admiral Lauren de Calamari, a military attaché who seems borderline paranoid. “Isn’t it obvious? They’re only inviting you over there so they can KILL you! They’ll either poison you or stab you in your sleep. Trust me, you can’t trust these Dàguó animals. They will kill you the moment you let your guard down.”
  2. “I agree that we shouldn’t go over there,” replies Rex Reid, your personal chef, who is always dying to experiment with new cuisine. “However, that doesn’t mean we should ourselves embark on a policy of isolationism. Why not invite this Emperor of theirs over here and treat him to a state dinner? There’s much to discuss like their Tasmanian trade sanctions or the steady stream of refugees from the Maxtopian Civil War.”
  3. “Dàguó’s leaders have historically denounced our great nation for covert operations that, err, officially, we still deny,” mentions Professor Aang Xavier between introductory college lectures. “Meeting with Dàguó’s Holy Emperor would be a perfect way to begin to mend relations. Accept the invitation, respect their customs regardless of how strange they might seem, and act like a real national leader for once! Go out there and start advocating for world peace, and history will thank you.”
  4. After repeatedly hitting on your secretary, a somewhat suave secret agent introduces himself as, “Bont ... James Bont. Go over to Dàguó on the pretext of a diplomatic mission. Meanwhile, I will pose as a Marche Noirian master chef so I can poison the Emperor’s meal. Once he drops dead, his security is going to suspect foul play, but I’ll be there to extract you back to Random Chaos via rocketcar. There’s a chance my scheme will end up causing a war, but if worst comes to worst, I’ve still got my jetpack and exploding attaché case.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's diplomats shake hands with those whose hands are drenched in the blood of innocents.

2022-03-23 15:00

Have War Crimes, Will Travel

A small disputed strip of land in your sphere of influence has been in a state of civil war for decades. Random Chaos has been approached by the international community to hold the first round of peace talks. Unfortunately, Colonel Idi Amore, the self-styled revolutionary in charge of the Popular Freedom Fighters with multiple warrants for war crimes against him, will have to be issued a safe conduct pass to attend the talks without fear of arrest.

  1. “The Popular Freedom Fighters are a disgusting group!” yells Malon Norris, a grief-stricken refugee. “They killed my father, razed our village, and ruined my stamp collection! I say you invite their jerk of a leader into Random Chaos, then you have your police arrest the monster! It’s the only way justice can be served.”
  2. “You can’t seriously be considering this!” exclaims overworked diplomat Sean Turnbull. “We’ve been working for years to bring peace to this region. He may have blood on his hands, but so do the other sixteen sides in this war. A sudden power vacuum will just prolong the hostilities! We have a real chance of securing a lasting peace here, surely that’s worth overlooking a couple of mass murders?”
  3. “This really is a bind,” muses your trusted advisor Andreas Claus. “If we arrest him on our soil, we will forever be known as people who breach our safe conduct passes. If we let him go, we will let a wanted war criminal slip through our fingers. The solution is plain: refuse to hold the talks. I’m sure they can figure it out without us looking over their shoulder.”
  4. “We want this warlord gone, but don’t want to look bad because of it,” whispers Agent Cobblepot from behind an oversized potted plant. “Give this individual safe conduct, let him do his thing and if some kind of terrible accident were to befall our dear friend... how could you possibly have known that ceiling beam was going to fall on his head?”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Psychotic Dictatorship".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, flipping a coin to make a decision leads to a referral to Gambling Addiction Services.

2022-03-23 09:00

Bet Your Life

Alexei Lobachevsky, a usually unremarkable 45-year-old sanitation worker, was recently detained after trying to tight-rope walk naked across the canyon between two financial district skyscrapers. It turns out this was for a bet, or more accurately as the price of a wager in an illegal “extreme casino”, where gamblers are allowed and encouraged to offer non-financial stakes. In these places any wager can be agreed, be it body parts, sexual favours or binding agreements.

  1. “I’m a man of integrity; I had to honour the agreed stakes,” enthuses the gambler, shivering in a police cell and seemingly showing no contrition for his foolishness. “Honestly, you need to allow this sort of thing in legal casinos. It’s a real thrill, knowing that the next turn of the card could win you thousands, or could literally cost you your balls.”
  2. “This poor idiot is a victim, both of his own gambling addiction and of the criminal subculture that abuses that dependence to manipulate the weak-minded,” lectures Police Chief Emmanuel Sestero, as he posts a notice banning his officers from buying lottery scratchcards. “We need more police officers to crack down on illegal casinos, mental health support to help deal with gambling addiction, and social workers to help deal with the root causes of gambling. Don’t play dice with our nation’s future, Leader.”
  3. “You don’t have to go to either extreme,” says casino owner Kellyanne Barnes. “Rather, there’s a market-based solution here. Make monetary gambling more attractive by making legal casinos more exciting. Loosen the rules restricting addiction-friendly gambling environments. We can then use amphetamine-laced sodas, all night lock-ins, high stakes slot machines and all the other tricks of the trade to optimise our business. Let us addict the customers to proper casinos, and there won’t be any market share for the illegal ones.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation faces constant invasions by foreign boy bands.

2022-03-23 03:00

The Deportation of Mr. B. Leeper

Brancalandian pop star Bryan Leeper has gotten into trouble with the law yet again while on tour in Random Chaos. He was caught urinating on a fire hydrant, making this his tenth arrest in the past year. Tens of thousands of anti-Bleepers have signed a petition demanding that the pop star be deported back to his native Brancaland.

  1. “Let it be known,” reads petition author Lauren O'Hara, from a ragged piece of parchment covered in coffee stains, “that we the good people of Random Chaos who care about music, and entertainment, and celebrity misbehaviors, demand that law-breaker Bryan Leeper be deported with all due haste back to his native country of frozen Brancaland. He can go love himself back home. We demand that he be declared a public menace. May he never return to our fair country nor inflict his immature, overly catchy, pop music on our airwaves.”
  2. “We don’t want the little brat back!” declares the Brancalandian Foreign Minister, seen smashing Bryan Leeper CDs with a hockey stick. “I bumped into the Maxtopian ambassador on my way here. It seems that Mr. Leeper has an outstanding legal issue over in Maxtopia that could involve jail time if he’s found guilty. Why not extradite him there as a diplomatic move? What’s that? Well yes, Maxtopia has the death penalty. I’m sure he hasn’t done anything that serious there.”
  3. “All I need, is your love, your love, my love, your love, youuuuuuu!” sings your teenage niece’s best friend, who is also president of the Random Chaosian Bryan Leeper Fan Club. “You can’t send him away! He’s a troubled young artist trying to find his way. His message is pure and sweet and he’s, like, so totally dreamy. Listen!” She starts to sing again as secret service men usher her out of the room. “Baby, baby, don’t leave me alone, don’t walk awa....” Unfortunately, you’ve heard enough to have the song stuck in your head all day. It really is catchy.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, turning eighteen is often referred to as the 'Age of Aquarius'.

2022-03-22 21:00

Possession, Protection or Poppycock?

After tarot cards and a Ouija-board were found in the dormitory of three teenage girls who committed suicide, paranormal objects and occult rites have become the center of a heated debate on the rising popularity of New Age spirituality.

  1. “Obviously these girls killed themselves because they lost their spiritual war with the demons they thought fun to summon,” muses Caliban Gennaro, notorious street preacher and self-taught exorcist. “Although, I don’t blame them for being attracted to the occult, no, everyone needs spirituality. Our children just need the proper guidance, so they stay clear of the dangerous forms. The easiest way to ensure that is, of course, you banning everything that has any link with the New Age. That’ll keep those demons out. Or is it in? Anyways, ban it!”
  2. “Please don’t listen to this traditional sorry-soul,” pontificates Deborah Dihmonghali, self-proclaimed goddess and yoga-instructor, pausing briefly from transcending space and time. “Certainly there are some bad spirits out there, but you can’t beat them by robbing us of all our spiritual weapons. Instead, you should subsidize their production and make half-yearly visits to a spiritual advisor compulsory for everyone. Only then will your citizens be pure and strong enough to repel the forces of evil and remain in the light.”
  3. “Possession? Are you serious?” queries Harriet Mendez, your unbearably uptight Minister of Conventional Solutions, while closing your curtains so as to not let the sunshine in. “These girls clearly had some issues, but not of the demonic kind. Depressed teenagers need to be dealt with through education and our health system, not through ‘channeling’, dirty bacchanals or waiting for Jupiter to align with Mars. Funky New Age spirituality only makes these things worse, especially for sensitive youngsters. To prevent this kind of thing in the future, we must increase mental health spending and set a minimum age on alternative religion.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are encouraged to show displeasure with politicians by poking them with sharp metal sticks.

2022-03-22 15:00

Duel Purposes

You are having an early morning discussion with your Finance Minister about Maxtopia’s recently enacted sheep tariffs when a sword-wielding maniac jumps into your field of view.

  1. “Hello, my name is Count Mount Crystal,” monologues the saber-brandishing hooligan, who seems rather familiar for some reason. “I was exiled for false charges of high treason. I lost my wealth, property, and custody of my children after I was forced to leave Random Chaos. However, I managed to return, and I am here to settle a score. Prepare to die!”
  2. “Excuse us, ‘Count’, but we were in the middle of a discussion of national importance!” fumes your Finance Minister, trying to shoo the miscreant away. “This just demonstrates the uncouth nature of conflicts being settled by two people waving big sticks at one another. We should ban dueling of any sort, have disputes once again settled via the legal process, return to our riveting discussion, and avoid entertaining this cretin.”
  3. “How undignified!” reprimands Raphael Garrison, an economic advisor, tut-tutting at the entire scene. “Why must we insist on solving disagreements through violence? Instead, how about a nice game of chess? Don’t ban dueling altogether, just make it take a more intellectual form.”
  4. “All of you are ignoring the big picture!” exclaims Yui Mealor, a legal consultant. “This clearly indicates that our judicial system is in need of a major overhaul. If we allow juries again, judicial oversight would be a thing of the past, and malicious malefactors like him would receive a fair trial and wouldn’t be knocking upon your door and threatening you in the hot light of morning.”
  5. Several security guards burst forcefully into your office, almost destroying your front door in the process, as the ‘Count’ ducks behind a pillar. “We are deeply sorry for our failure to protect you!” apologizes Dana Steele, Head of Security, grabbing your arm and hastily leading you out of the room. “Clearly, allowing dueling to solve political disputes will quickly deplete us of all our leaders and politicians, including you. You just have to ban people from challenging politicians to duels, and call it a day.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, doctors prescribe medicines but they rarely dispense hope or compassion.

2022-03-22 09:00

Thrown Into Sharp Relief

A 3-year-old girl, named Alexandra, recently died from a nasty chest infection. The case was notable, as doctors are claiming that a simple course of penicillin could easily have saved her life, and are laying blame for the death upon the advice of a ‘spirit-energy healer’ who advised the girl’s parents to treat their child with acupuncture.

  1. “Allowing these fraudsters to kill children with their pseudo-medical claptrap should be criminal!” shouts Dr. Eliot Glenn, a famed debunker of alternative medicine, as he slaps a hot mug of soothing echinacea tea out of your hands. “The same standards of evidence-based practice and criminal responsibility that doctors face should be forced on these conmen. Also, any parents who deny their children proper medical treatment should be held accountable for criminal neglect.”
  2. “What happened to that child was a tragedy,” concedes animistic healer Kayla Modi as she hangs amethyst pendants around the room to absorb the negative energies being generated, “but my prescribed treatments would have saved her life, if only they hadn’t been disrupted by the scepticism and disbelief from her biomedical doctors. I can show you the logical arguments that underpin my science, but ultimately, shouldn’t everyone have the freedom to choose their own health care provider?”
  3. “Look, I love freedom as much as the next passer-by who needs to crash at your place,” comments Paolo, a random hobo rousing from a nap on your couch to voice an opinion, “but to me it sounds like this is about the state’s responsibility for the safety of children. Why not just force parents to take their kids to an actual doctor, but let the adults do whatever they want with their own bodies? Also, are you going to finish that sandwich?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a The Hatrackia Tourist Association survey has rated Random Chaos #1 for number twos.

2022-03-22 03:00

Nowhere to Go!

A number of citizens concerned about the lack of water closets in Random Chaos have kicked up such a stink that you’ve agreed to meet the various groups at your convenience.

  1. “I can’t hold it in any longer!” bursts out Violet Sorin, red-faced and desperate. “The need for more free public conveniences in Random Chaos is painfully obvious. We demand the government roll out a program of construction lest the lack of them causes a stain on our good nation.”
  2. “Yes there is a need for more public facilities, but that is such a bog standard solution and would generate so much paperwork,” says Luigi Loo, head of Random Chaos’s largest plumbing contractor, Go With The Flow. “Take the plunge with us and we’ll give Random Chaos the fanciest conveniences in The Hatrackia. I admit this might require customers to spend a penny or two, but they’ll feel flushed with success when they see what they get in return.”
  3. “I have another solution!” cries Cho Bradbury, spokesbeing of eccentric primitivist group Nature’s Call as they take a stool by your desk. “I suggest you wash your hands of the matter by closing what facilities there are, and allow citizens to get back to basics by making it legal for any of us to use the nearest bush.” A twig that you hadn’t previously noticed falls from their hair.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government seeks peaceful forum with terrorists.

2022-03-21 21:00

Terrorists Strike City Centre

All of Random Chaos has been in an uproar since yesterday when a car exploded in the middle of Random Chaos City, killing dozens and injuring hundreds. This terrorist act was traced back to a violent minority group known as the Lilliputian Freedom Fighters, a group allegedly supported by an unfriendly regime, despising Random Chaos for its heathenish ways and political bent, but more particularly for supporting the recent occupation of their homeland by an ally.

  1. “They simply crossed the line!” shouts General Zaheer Garcia. “Far too long have we tolerated these terrorist threats, it’s time that they realise they can’t mess with us. Send the order to prepare an invasion, and we will show them who is boss! Our brave soldiers are prepared to die for their country, all we need is your signature and a lot of money. But what is the cost of freedom and safety for Random Chaos’s peoples?”
  2. “Attacking another country isn’t the answer,” says Darren McKinnon, director of the Random Chaosian Intelligence Agency. “The problem doesn’t lie abroad, but within Random Chaos itself! We should have more freedom to do our work. Protecting our nation from these cowardly scaremongers would be much easier if we had an inherent right to tap phones and other communications, get search warrants whenever we need, and detain suspects indefinitely. Remember, to prevent is better than to cure.”
  3. “No, that’s what those terrorists want us to do!” speculates chairperson Jazz Starkey of the Patriots’ Tea and Biscuits Club. “We don’t want to give the Agency any more responsibility, they’re the ones who messed up in the first place. What we need is to purge Random Chaos of these rats who don’t respect the laws and traditions of our way of life. We know who they are and where they come from, so the solution is obvious: we just won’t let those sorts of people cross our borders and kick out those who are already here. It might seem a bit harsh, but hey, we were here first. Long live Random Chaos!”
  4. “I think it’s clear to anyone with half a brain in their head that this will just not work,” says Nasir Bulsara, a noted professor of social studies. “The people who perpetrate these terrible crimes do so because they feel they have no other recourse to demonstrate their political opinions. They’ll do anything and I’m sure they’re not above hiring mercenaries. You must understand why terrorists act as they do and fix it! What we should do is to reach out to the ethnic and religious minorities and seek common ground! Negotiation is the key! Violence solves nothing.”
  5. “We spit on Random Chaos!” expectorates Sue-Ann Hayes, leader of the Lilliputian Freedom Fighters. “You disrespect our people and our country and everything we are! You spread your sickening influence where it is not wanted! You must change your ways and cease to oppose us or else there will be more bloodshed. You have been warned!”
  6. “Is terrorism such a terrible thing? Really?” asks Beth Osborne, avant garde journalist, discreetly sliding a pipe bomb under your desk. “These people are simply expressing their political opinion the best way they know how. I think we should legalise terrorism as a legitimate form of political commentary. It’ll certainly get people interested, don’t you think?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, clowns are being rounded up and admitted to mental institutions.

2022-03-21 15:00

Circus Clowns Cause Chaos!

Rather than finding them funny, a recent survey shows that most children are actually afraid of clowns. The public is demanding that you do something to stop these terrifying menaces.

  1. “Kill them! Kill them all! Or... you know, just ban them,” opines noted sociologist Orville Cohen. “Better yet, why not ban all circuses from Random Chaos! Think about it, they’re distracting children from what’s important in life; namely, doing well in school, getting a job and contributing to the economy. That’s what’s important here!”
  2. “Banning clowns is a little extreme, if you ask me,” inputs your Minister for Culture, Tracy Kamen. “I think what we need to do is educate children about what clowns actually do. Tell them they aren’t scary and that what they do is actually beneficial! After all, happy kids are less likely to go down the path of crime, which means less spending goes to the police and more funds can be diverted to somewhere important - like my Department!”
  3. “It’s not always about the kids,” mumbles a red-nosed man in the corner. “Think of us clowns! We have to put up with the kids screaming, and shouting and hurling things at us. How would you feel if you were dressed up like a fool and paraded in front of 8-year-olds! The Government needs to create a program to treat us clowns for depression - you don’t know what it’s like, man. You weren’t there!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, universities are populated by the spawn of the upper classes.

2022-03-21 09:00

Students Demand Financial Aid

Students from many universities in Random Chaos are protesting about the rising financial cost of studying at university and are demanding that the government provide more financial aid to students.

  1. “We need money now,” screams Monica Collins, a student from one of the top-achieving universities in Random Chaos. “All these tuition fees are just too much! I need that money to spend on books, study materials, accommodation, and alco- well, uh, you get the gist of it. All these fees are doing is preventing people from poorer backgrounds achieving their potential. The government ought to pay for all university expenses. After all if nobody went to university where would all the doctors and teachers come from?”
  2. “OH GOD NO THE EXPENSE!” screeches Tsongba Keating, your Minister of Education before eventually calming down. “No, no. This is not a good idea. Do you know how high the tax rate is already without introducing something like this? We should be making tuition fees higher if anything. University is a privilege, not a right, and only the elite should be allowed within those walls. And by elite, of course, I mean rich.”
  3. “These young people are the greatest resource our nation has,” says Brian Reyes, a famous demographer. “If you’re going to discourage them from going to university then you’re cheating our nation out of its potential. What I suggest is government-funded loans to students from poor families. That way we can have the best of both worlds without the expense. Admittedly, some may still not be able to afford it but there’s no pleasing some people.”
  4. “Why bother with universities anyway?” asks refuse collector Gretel Yates. “These students could be working and earning a living instead of wasting time and money learning things with no point whatsoever. Who needs to know about ancient Maxtopian poetry, huh? Who would hire you for that? There are plenty of jobs out there, so why don’t they go and get one? I’ll tell you why: it’s because they are lazy. I propose the government withdraw all support for universities in Random Chaos, so people instead go get a job after they leave school. With all the money saved we can have a well-deserved tax cut too.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Furniture Restoration Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is spending billions of taxpayer chips to support "struggling" industries.

2022-03-21 03:00

To Bail or Not to Bail?

A recent severe crash in the stock market of Random Chaos and a plummet of the value of the chip has brought the issue of government bailouts to the forefront of the national agenda.

  1. “We need to do something now! The people’s welfare — not to mention all my side businesses — are in serious danger!” screams your finance minister Tamara Kettering. “We need an extensive support program for the businesses that make our country great, otherwise we might as well join ranks with those... third-world countries,” he shudders. “Never mind that all the businesses on this list are owned by my relatives!”
  2. “You’re talking about doing what!?” screams Björk Rifkin, a noted fiscal conservative and libertarian scholar. “Government bailouts won’t solve anything. They’ll only redistribute wealth to those the government happens to favor at that particular moment, while placing a crushing burden onto everybody else. The government must instead cut taxes across the board and axe all unnecessary social programs, particularly our welfare system.”
  3. “This brings up an interesting point,” remarks socialist author Gruffydd Young. “Why do we allow businesses to become “too big to fail?” The solution, surely, is to break up businesses before they reach such a size that they threaten our economy. Imagine it: community-based businesses, run for the benefit of the little people, not faceless, money-grubbing investment banks! Is there really a reason corporations need to be big?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Blueriver mercenaries routinely do the army's dirty work.

2022-03-20 21:00

Selling Random Chaos Down the River?

Blueriver, a private security company hired by Random Chaos during foreign interventions, made headlines when footage emerged of their mercenaries grotesquely torturing prisoners. Shocked and appalled, civil rights activists from around the world are calling on Random Chaos to do something.

  1. “Why did Random Chaos feel the need to hire mercenary groups like Blueriver in the first place?” rhetorically questions Kate Stone, a jaded veteran of the Wezeltonian War. “The answer is clear: the army uses hired guns to cover up the body count of shady foreign interventions. Such dishonorable conduct sickens me. It’s about time the military was open and honest about its actions. Only our brave soldiers should engage in conflicts, not amoral sell-swords who are notorious for looting.”
  2. “That’s naive,” frankly states the CEO of Blueriver, Orville Butler, who would only talk with you behind closed doors. “The reason the military hires my ... operatives in the first place is plausible deniability. Random Chaos’s armed forces were clearly not involved in this breach of human rights. No harm done, eh? Release a short statement criticizing the atrocities, and then start a long, drawn-out ‘investigation’. People will forget all this happened in no time. Then we can get back to doing what we do best. Just don’t ask too many questions as to what that might be.”
  3. “Sir, if we didn’t have quite so many of these pesky ‘human rights’ laws to follow in the first place, we wouldn’t be in this mess,” suggests Tina Hernandez, an army lifer. “Don’t even get me started on the Genièvre Convention. Terrorists spit upon all the values of civilized society, and yet some people want to prevent us from using all possible methods to stop these monsters. Give my boys the freedoms they need to get the job done, and we won’t need to hire those contractor goons so often.”
  4. “Hah!” interjects Carrie Parker, head of Medicine not Machineguns, a humanitarian aid charity. “And just why is Blueriver finding so much work overseas? It might just be because half of our neighbors have been carpet-bombed into the stone age by us at some point or another. Maybe we should consider sending aid operatives instead? Building up a bit of goodwill would mean we wouldn’t have to deploy shocktroopers all the time.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, traffic news is delivered to drivers via carrier pigeon.

2022-03-20 15:00

Imitation Station

While chauffeuring you to work this morning, your driver notified you of a recent spike in motorized vehicle accidents. He says that the cause is several distracting radio advertisements - one ironically telling drivers to “buckle up”. These ads include sounds of screams, screeching tyres, honking horns, and police sirens, causing confusion for drivers on the road.

  1. “You can’t simply restrict our right as businesses to use a simple sound!” complains CEO of Adz4U Inc. Carrie Solo, while a vuvuzela quartet play a selection of tunes in the background. “These noises help us draw in our audience’s attention, and get them to listen better. Plus, if a few commuters get into fender benders then that’s good for auto-repair businesses, right?”
  2. “If you let them use these sounds, millions will die!” screams histrionic commuter Hans Bowie. “Okay, I admit, I can’t provide evidence for that. But this is definitely a public safety concern, and it’s common sense that there’ll be deaths on the road from this. And surely, safety is your number one priority, right? Adverts should be screened for distracting noises.”
  3. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, let’s slow down here, people,” says grumpy middle-aged woman Marin Harkness. “There is an incredibly easy solution here, and that’s just to not allow radios or any other audio systems in cars. Think about it! No more young drivers ‘sharing’ the latest chart tunes at full volume as they drive through town centres, no more screaming toddlers demanding that nursery rhymes are on endless loop on long car journeys and no more sad songs making you want to take a hard left into oblivion when you’re driving along the clifftop. Wait, is that one just me?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, owning a fishing rod can cause you to be subject to military questioning.

2022-03-20 09:00

The Wrath of the Fish King

To your horror, you woke up this morning with a thousand anchovy heads in your bed and a note from the insidious terrorist group called “The Cult of the Dammed”. Citing lack of support for the fishing industry from the government, they are threatening to eradicate the wild Random Chaosian fish populations if their demands are not met.

  1. Communicating via video-link to your office is the spokesperson for the Cult of the Dammed, Kelly Tizad, holding a sinister-looking frozen vial. “On behalf of our leader, the Fish King, we demand a total repeal of all fishing industry regulations and for the government of Random Chaos to relinquish control of all waterways to the Cult of the Dammed and our approved fisheries! Anything less than this and we will release a genetically engineered virus that shall see the end of aquatic biodiversity as you know it!”
  2. Up-and-coming military officer Captain Arthur Menthol immediately disconnects the monitor. “We do not negotiate with terrorists! Their boats will make excellent aquatic habitat, I say! Give me a few navy cruisers to seek out the boats of these terrorists. We will have them sleeping with the fishes and end this threat.”
  3. “Have you lost your mind, Arthur?” retorts your Minister of Lightly-Fried Fish Fillets Gunther Knight. “How can we even consider such wanton slaughter? Genetically engineered viruses sound like the stuff of science fiction anyway; these terrorists are probably bluffing. Just in case, we could always keep a few of every species of fish found in Random Chaos breeding in captivity. That way, if they do follow through on their threat we can always restock our rivers and lakes.”
  4. “That gives me an idea,” ponders fishing mogul Gordon Silver. “Those cultists want to ruin our environment and tourism by killing our fish, so let’s completely deny them the opportunity! Let’s take all of the fish in the lakes and streams and put them in tiny fish apartments! In fact, we can charge people an admission fee to see our fish and frame it as a tourist experience!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wars of expansion are described as "peacekeeping operations".

2022-03-20 03:00

Taking the Peace?

The Nobble Peace Prize is an international accolade that is ostensibly awarded to individuals that work for fraternity between nations, reduce standing armies and promote peace. To your surprise, the Skandilundian council that picks the winners has let you know that this year they intend to award it to you. You receive the news while on a military base, welcoming home divisions of battle-hardened soldiers fresh from ongoing conflicts on the Tasmanian border.

  1. “Looks like the Peace Prize Committee has been convinced to celebrate your pacifism,” laughs Brigadier General Nagasawa, offering you a clipboard to sign off the latest military budget increase. “That’s a victory for our chaps in the diplomatic corps, pulling strings and working their magic and reframing our military activities as being for global good. You should be proud of them and the propaganda wars they fight on your behalf. Better get working on an acceptance speech, eh?”
  2. “Maybe we should instead be trying to make ourselves worthy of the prize?” suggests your niece, symbolically swatting at the military officer with an olive branch. “Bring overseas troops home, honourably discharge them from service and begin a process of demilitarisation. Like I always say to my mum, there’s no need to be so hostile.”
  3. “Ha, these feeble Skandilunders are terrified of us, and they’re trying to placate us by offering us this petty tribute,” laughs your Minister of Bovine Disruption of Porcelain Retail. “We should accept the prize, but suggest that rather than a cash prize, perhaps they could cede us a little territory, maybe those halite mines in the northwest. We can deploy the army along their border to emphasise the strength of your opinion.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, groups of government workers are declared protected tribes if they venture too deep into the Capitol.

2022-03-19 21:00

The Long and Winding Halls of Random Chaos City

Earlier this month, one of your aides stumbled upon a makeshift encampment of missing bureaucrats in the bowels of Random Chaos City. Their discovery has prompted debate on whether the government has become too large and unwieldy.

  1. “Is this the government or a damned shanty town?” belts conservative leader Allen Filoni while slamming down his proposal on your desk. “We need to slash everything! Slash every department in half and rein this bloated government back in! Cut John Q. Taxpayer a break and ax our wasteful spending!”
  2. “Now wait. Let’s not be too hasty,” cautions Esher Matei, your Minister of the Department of Housing and Urban Development for the Department of the Interior’s Interior. “Sure, maybe the government is a teensie bit too big, but why can’t we solve this with scissors instead of a hatchet? Let’s appoint a Minister in charge of Governmental Oversight to examine our budget and see what reasonable cuts can be made. Trust me, Leader, you don’t want to go axing such crucial departments without some investigation.”
  3. “What we have discovered is the bureaucrat’s natural habitat,” soothingly narrates renowned naturalist Nigel Verithorough. “We have visited this tribal community several times since its discovery and have made great strides in understanding their unfamiliar ways. What was immediately clear to us was that this community would never be able to survive in our world. In the name of cultural preservation, we must protect their environment - in this case, the catacombs of Random Chaos’s Capitol. Study and observe, but do not destroy, Leader.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, workers of "fairweather faith" claim six months of paid leave for holy days per year.

2022-03-19 15:00

Gotta Go Fast

When the Holy Month of Golden Bloom rolls around, members of the Tranquility of Yellow observe fasting: neither eating nor drinking anything from dawn till dusk. Yulha Vangelis, your Minister of Labor, has reasoned that fasting leads to a loss of productivity and potentially endangers lives.

  1. “I mean, it’s a no-brainer, isn’t it?” asks Yulha Vangelis, still chewing the big bite he took of his mouth-watering chocolate lava cake. “These people fast for an entire day, and everyone knows that prolonged hunger and dehydration can cause concentration problems. What if a Yellowite surgeon operated on a patient while fasting and made a mistake? Human lives come before religious duties. Hence, all Tranquil Yellowites should be banned from fasting if they want to keep their jobs.”
  2. “How dare you meddle with my freedom of religion!” gasps Dallin Connery, a Yellowite preacher, flourishing a staff topped with an ornamental sunflower at the Labor Minister, while casting a yearning glance at his cake. “I have practised fasting since I was a child, and I can assure you that it doesn’t compos- compres- I mean compromise our cognitive abilities. Also, daytime fasting isn’t actually unhealthy you know - there’s growing evidence that it reduces a number of ailments and could even prevent cancers. It would be both spiritually and physically good if you told all Random Chaosians to join the Fast of the Holy Month of Golden Bloom.”
  3. “Let’s not be hasty; I’m sure there is room for a sweet compromise here,” chimes in Jadzia Kennett, your Minister of Creative Solutions. “I agree that suffering from thirst and hunger for a whole day can cause problems in the workplace. But instead of banning our Yellowite citizens from fulfilling their religious duties, we could give them paid leave during the Holy Month of Golden Bloom, so they could safely fast in the comfort of their homes. To safeguard equality, we can make similar accommodations for all faiths: extra vacations for pilgrimages and regular prayer breaks at work.”
  4. “This whole fasting thing is sacrilege!” exclaims Papa Luigi, a well-known pizzeria owner and a member of the Cult of Pizza, flailing his arms dramatically. “Only infidels would dare to starve themselves in blatant defiance of the Holy Crustiness of Pizza Margherita. We should prohibit all forms of fasting and endorse a force-feeding procedure for those who restrict their food intake for whatever reason. Pizza for Random Chaos! Pizzazz for Random Chaos!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, roadside walls are being built and mother nature is paying for it.

2022-03-19 09:00

Rocky Road

Nearly two dozen sightseers were injured yesterday in a rockfall. Their tour bus, which had been travelling through a scenic mountainous region in northern Random Chaos, was struck by a large boulder as it tumbled down a steep slope. The accident has resulted in calls to protect roadways in areas prone to rockfalls.

  1. “I just wanted to see the sights. Instead I got slammed by clastic sedimentary rocks!” exclaims rockfall survivor and geologist Hiawatha Fox, cuts and bruises visible on his extremities. “After the accident, the first thing I did was get down on my hands and knees and thank my lucky stars. The next thing I did was wonder how Random Chaos could even allow something like this to occur! Motorists shouldn’t have to worry about conglomerates crashing into them! Protective roadside barriers and fences should be erected in areas where rockfalls are common.”
  2. “It was a tragedy, for sure, yet another example why safety should never be taken for granite,” states environmentalist Matilda McClaine. “Constructing roadside barriers and fences just isn’t worth it, and not only because they’d break the bank. In doing their duty, they’d also mar some of the most beautiful roadside views in Random Chaos and disrupt local wildlife. Of course, people’s safety is important, so posting warning signs along the roadside is an appropriate measure to take. If a driver can’t spot a huge boulder coming at them, then maybe they shouldn’t be allowed on the roads in the first place.”
  3. “They say it takes millions of years for mountainous regions to form,” explains Stanislav Sorin, CEO of one of the largest mining companies in Random Chaos. “If you allow us to perform mountaintop removal mining, rockfalls and the ugly, eroding mountains and cliffs responsible for causing them will be a thing of the past. Drivers will have peace of mind, certain that they will reach their destination in one piece. All the while, the economy will benefit from the minerals extracted from the excavation sites! I mean, talk about killing two birds with one stone!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rare steaks seem even bluer now.

2022-03-19 03:00

Meat With Approval

The nation’s strict animal welfare regulations for slaughter are up for debate, as the Order of Violet lobbies for an exemption to allow ritualistic slaughter.

  1. “According to the Book of Violet, the Prophet Max, Chapter VII, ‘Ye shall taketh thine animal and, reciting the Oath to Violet’s Dread Divinity, ye shall inserteth a red-hot poker up yonder...’ well, you can guess the rest,” chuckles eccentric subdeacon Kendall Ephron. “Currently, our followers have to import their meat — at great expense — from more tolerant countries, or they’re stuck eating vegetables. Do you know what Violet has to say about the preparation of asparagus?” She winces for dramatic effect. “Grant us an exemption to these discriminatory laws, and allow us to slaughter animals as the almighty Violet demanded.”
  2. “It’s obvious how that one will end up,” growls Percival MacIntyre of the Hackett & Beatty Abattoir, gazing longingly at a room full of blunt instruments, chainsaws, and a particularly large stick with a rusty nail in it. “Restaurant buyers will just ask for Violetist-certified meat anyway, as they can serve that to anyone. Meanwhile, your average Joe Kill-Cow is stuck stunning and whatnot, and struggling to make a living. Rather than one-off exemptions for Violetists, trust butchers. Then we can remain competitive by finding cost-effective ways to operate and everyone will be happy. Well, except the animal-friendly lot, but they’re too protein-deficient to make much of a fuss.” He points a stun gun at a cow. “Daisy, I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.”
  3. Violet Simpson, proponent of the ‘Killing Through Kindness’ method adopted by precisely zero abattoirs since last year’s book tour, coughs quietly. “One life is worth as much as any other, and animals deserve to go in the same way we’d want to: in our own beds, surrounded by our loving family, with peaceful sitar music playing and incense sticks burning.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children of nonreligious parents are often barred from school festival events.

2022-03-18 21:00

Prayer in Public Schools?

In order to save the souls of Random Chaos’s children from eternal damnation, it has been suggested that a daily prayer be made mandatory in schools nationwide.

  1. “Kids are such punks these days,” grumbles Father Haakon Howard, a local minister. “By making sure kids pray to their god at least once a day we instill the religious values that are integral to Random Chaos. It’ll make them better, humbler people.”
  2. “Hey now, if there’s going to be compulsory school prayer then there ought to be an opt-out system,” says Yasuyuki Perkins, a concerned parent. “I don’t want my boy to be a part of this collective worship nonsense.”
  3. “I agree that we shouldn’t force them to pray,” says Cornelius Watts, a teacher. “Such difficult concepts shouldn’t be thrust upon such impressionable minds. But instead of a praying session, these children should be taught about religion in an educative way. School’s supposed to be about learning, not brainwashing.”
  4. “That’s a lily-livered compromise,” says Ivanka Day, chairperson of the Atheist Activist Association. “Religion should have no place in our schools. We should pass laws enforcing secularity on all educational establishments.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, perverts across the land rejoice after 'sexual harassment' was recently renamed 'persuasive courting'.

2022-03-18 15:00

It’s Not Lying, It’s Post-Truth

When a senior government official was caught on camera groping an intern, your press liaison downplayed the incident by calling it an “alternative handshake” at a subsequent press conference. While the case in question was settled swiftly and discreetly, members of the professional commentariat are engaging in a loud brawl over the government’s flexible approach to facts.

  1. “This is dangerous,” argues Ivanka Haynes, a journalist at The Random Chaos City Post, struggling to cope with mixed feelings of moral outrage and giddy excitement. “Granted, politics has always been about playing the facts a bit, but now you’re not even trying to hide it. This deliberate distortion of truth is corrupting public discourse, and will surely undermine the very foundation of our society if not kept in check. Government must be bound by law to always speak the truth, and you should set up an independent public body tasked with enforcing the standards we deserve.”
  2. “Typical slave morality,” sniggers Mowgli Palpatine, dropout philosophy student and manager of operations at an alt-nazi meme factory. “Instead of mindlessly enforcing the ‘truth’ of weaklings and half-men, this is a perfect opportunity for an overhaul and bringing about the complete transvaluation of all values. The elevation of feebleness has been going on for too long; it’s about time you started making and enforcing your own truths!”
  3. “The notion of any ‘one’ truth is inherently oppressive,” states Jean-Paul Leotard, a postmodernist literary critic, mostly known for his colorful scarves. “Fact is, there are only our own personal interpretations, and the world is really only the resulting diversity of particular truths. You shouldn’t get to say what’s right or wrong! There’s your policy, Leader: quit shoving ‘objective’ dogma down our throats and let everyone believe what they want about stuff.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is currently revamping its entire education system.

2022-03-18 09:00

Put the “Board” Back in Board of Education

The Random Chaos Teachers’ Union, complaining of a steady increase in student disciplinary problems, wants to be able to use corporal punishment to correct misbehavior.

  1. “Clearly, parents aren’t teaching manners at home,” says Solya Kringle, the union president. “All we want is to be able to take a paddle to their backsides when there are problems. It’s not like we want to throw the kids in jail.”
  2. “Keep your hands off my kids!” shouts Ashwin Romero, while protesting outside of union headquarters. “If there’s a problem, it’s with the teachers not having the skills to do their jobs. They should be tested for qualifications!”
  3. “Corporal punishment would only treat a symptom of the bigger problem: our education system is in need of an overhaul,” says Faith Roll, Random Chaos’s education minister. “We need smaller class sizes, more teachers, better buildings, and better pay. It’ll cost, but it’ll pay off in the long run.”
  4. “Why don’t we just kick these unruly kids out, and force parents to home-school them?” asks Kim Foster, education coordinator for the Random Chaos First Omnimenical Church. “That way parents can stress the values they want their kids to have and give them the attention they need.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Average Tax Rates and the Top 10% for Largest Furniture Restoration Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians are often referred to as thesauruses behind their backs.

2022-03-18 03:00

Covering All the Angles

Last weekend, every single participant in the Annual Random Chaosian Freshwater Fishing Competition was arrested for angling in violation of environmental laws. A large group of furious fishermen and outraged officials have forced their way upstream into your office, hoping that you’ll go for their argument hook, line, and sinker.

  1. “The law says we must pay an insane amount for fishing licenses, which we all did,” grumbles Samus Sisko, five-time winner of the competition. “The law says each person can only keep a dozen gamblerfish per day, which we all did. The law says we can only fish in rivers and streams, which we were all doing. We go by the book and follow all of your inane laws, and yet you still arrest the lot of us! We demand that you let us off the hook, and free fishing while you’re at it. Remove all the hoops to jump through, and we’ll get along swimmingly.”
  2. “Don’t listen to those hoodlums; they know full well what they were doing,” growls Amelia Biscuitbarrel, your Minister of Waterway Nomenclature. “Our laws say that fishing is allowed in rivers, streams, and inlets. However, these delinquents were fishing in the north fork of the Gambler River, which — as we all know — is a branch. And the law clearly states that fishing in brooks, tributaries, branches, and creeks is illegal. It’s really quite simple, Leader, yet people always deny that they are in the wrong. We need much harsher punishments for violations of environmental regulations to deter this abhorrent lawlessness.”
  3. “Actually, it isn’t quite that simple,” explains Elmo Gutnick, your Minister of Estuaries, Deltas, Forks, and Convergences. “You can try to slap labels on all you want, but Random Chaos’s hydrological system is incredibly complex and interconnected. Where exactly does Random Chaos City Stream turn into Random Chaos City Creek? We simply don’t have enough information to make these decisions properly. It’s great that we’re protecting our environment, but we must now invest in understanding it.”
  4. “Absolute nonsense!” declares Kayla Neumann, who is both your Minister of Redundancy Reduction and Director of the Elimination of Redundancy Office. “You have two full ministries, with countless employees each, dedicated to deciding what is and isn’t a river. I’ll help you, Leader: if it is flowing water, it’s a river! Think of how much taxpayer money we could save by eliminating all these useless paper pushers.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, disability advocates are not amused that they are told to be dependent on Random Chaosians's kindness.

2022-03-17 21:00

Ramping Up the Difficulty

Earlier this week, you were supposed to meet with the first disabled team of explorers to conquer the icy slopes of the Bigtopian tundra. However, your office proved to be inaccessible to the adventurers and the meeting was cancelled. Disability awareness groups are outraged that those with impairments can’t access government buildings, many of which provide them the help and support they need.

  1. “We must put an end to the discrimination against people with disabilities,” declares Zelda Smith, the spokesperson of the awareness group All Access, through a speech synthesizer. “Many of us face great difficulty in climbing steps, reading text, or listening to auditory sources or conveying messages. The government must improve the accessibility to premises and information so that we are treated fairly and have the ability to contribute to society.”
  2. “It might sound nice to have more ramps and guide dogs, but the real problem isn’t infrastructure, it’s society’s treatment of the intellectually and physically disadvantaged,” observes Danni Bond, a concerned parent. “If people had stopped to open doors, and to help the disabled athletes up the steps, then we wouldn’t need special adaptations to the buildings. Kindness and helpfulness should be taught at school, with kids learning to assist those who need help and to stop bullying them because they’re different. That’s the way to go forward.”
  3. “Hold on a minute! Making modifications to historic government buildings is cultural vandalism and awfully expensive!” objects Jake Hammarskjöld, your rather obsessive Minister of Random Chaosian Heritage. “We can’t destroy centuries’ worth of history and deface the structures with modern architecture just to improve accessibility! I sympathize with these people’s plight, but our culture and history are too important to destroy!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, suburban backyards are seized by the government and turned into national parks.

2022-03-17 15:00

Colossus With Feet of Clay

After a slow news week, one of your aides brought to your attention the controversy surrounding Violetstone National Park. Well-known uranium mining tycoon Edward Rump recently revealed proposals to purchase the land and intends to carve the faces of former leaders into Mount Rushless, a site revered by many Native Random Chaosians.

  1. “The area is perfect for what I have in mind,” exclaims Mr. Rump, showing you some incredibly detailed concept art. “These monolithic carvings of the heads of historical figures will symbolize our nation’s strength and pride.” He gestures towards the faces on the blueprints. “Our nation’s statesmen will not be forgotten! In fact, we could even open this up as a tourist attraction! Never mind that Native Random Chaosians consider the land sacred. These majestic sculptures will stand the test of time. At the very least they’ll finally knock off the Random Chaos City Tire Fire to become the Eighth Wonder of The Hatrackia!”
  2. “Who cares about some long-dead old farts?” questions Niles Carr, one of your more youthful aides. “If there’s anybody’s face we should be carving into that mountain, it should be yours! You’ve already done so much for Random Chaos, and it’s about time you were paid your proper respect. So many world leaders worry about being remembered after they’re gone. I’m sure you still have many years left in you, but this monument will ensure that you will never be forgotten.”
  3. “Leader, have you no respect for our sacred lands?” asks Runs With Gamblers, Chief of the Violetstone tribe. “My people have lived in these lands for countless generations and now you are going to desecrate them? Even worse, you plan to honor imperialist monsters who slaughtered our ancestors? The government should be apologizing for those atrocities, not celebrating the butchers behind them. Leader, these are our lands, not yours. Our home is not a tourist attraction. You must respect that. Our people have suffered enough.”
  4. “The mountain should be totally left alone,” agrees environmentalist Jill Horner, as she hands peace offerings to everyone in the room. “Mount Rushless is an environmental wonder and has been beloved for generations exactly as it is. If anything, we should be passing tougher environmental laws to make sure that these lands can’t be sold to the highest bidder. We ought to be designating more lands as national parks and hiring more park rangers to protect them. The government’s top priority should be protecting the environment, not opening up another tourist trap!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, visitors to Random Chaos are microchipped and must be escorted by a Random Chaosian soldier - even to the bathroom.

2022-03-17 09:00

Blundering Battle Bureaucrats

After stepping off the path in Random Chaos City Park to take a picture of a gambler, a Bigtopian tourist was subject to Random Chaos Defense Regulations Volume 4, Bylaw 8-A, Chapter 23, Section G-17-5, Paragraph 4b and was subsequently obliterated by a full battalion of Random Chaos’s finest.

  1. “That’s just how our glorious nation operates!” says Hope Chekov, the Sub-Minister of Internal Affairs of the Defense of the Internal Affairs of the National Sub-Committee of Sovereign Urban Parks. “We didn’t get where we are today by letting those dirty, out-of-line foreigners trample our carefully manicured petunia bushes!” She tries to wave a copy of the Random Chaos Defense Regulations Volume 4 at you for emphasis, the sheer bulk of the tome forcing her to resort to instead slamming the book onto your desk. The legs creak under the weight. “We need more safeguards against external aggression: no entry signs in multiple languages, tracking anklets issued at the border, oodles of barbed wire, and high-yield minefields! Summer tourists and all other miscreants like them are a threat to society, and if we need to have a show of force to keep them in line, by the Free Land we should do so!”
  2. You can hear yelling and a rising deep rumbling crescendo of noise, then a main battle tank bursts through the doors... and part of the wall. The top hatch opens, and Colonel Al Jackman (the officer in charge of the “apprehension” of the unfortunate tourist) pops out. “Now you listen to me, Leader, the last thing we need is more handsy-pansy suits getting in the way of our work! We should have no more requests to obliterate, signed in triplicate, sent in between 0800 and 1500 hours, sent back, queried, lost, found, subject to public inquiry, lost again, and finally discovered in the basement of Random Chaos City Library underneath a treatise about gummy worms!” The Colonel pulls a handgun the size of a small dog from his waistband and drops it onto the regulation almanac. The legs of your desk groan. “Give the military control over how to dispose of all these pesky law-breakers. We’ve been dying to test out these new Random Chaos-made Super Obliterator 3000s, anyway!”
  3. Your butler pours you a cup of tea, having materialized from the mysterious dimension butlers go to when they don’t want to be noticed. “It appears to me, Leader, that the problem lies within Random Chaos rather than without it. You can hardly blame people who visit our glorious cities for being in awe and thus forgetting their place and indeed, what place they are in.” He places the delicate teacup on top of the obscenely large gun and size-of-a-child rulebook. “Having too many government committees, unnecessary departments, and too many soldiers can only lead to more debacles like this. Cut the administrative overgrowth, downsize the defense forces, and possibly funnel that money into something more productive, like education, or butler salaries.” His thin mustache quivers expectantly.
  4. The family of the dead tourist manages to climb over the armored vehicle in your doorway and into your office. The deceased’s mother, who is especially distraught, approaches you with tears in her eyes. “Why does no one ever think of the people affected by all this! We’re here to sight-see, not to get our family killed by your thugs! How does stepping off a park path even warrant deployment of a surface-to-air missile truck or a ninja team? We can’t keep on going not knowing when the next of us will step out of line and be run over by a tank! We demand an apology, a change to the law and reparations!” The distraught woman gently places a photo of her dead son on your desk, which promptly collapses.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens and Most Corrupt Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, overhead luggage compartments on planes sometimes conceal dimunitive intelligence officers.

2022-03-17 03:00

In the Bag

A Bigtopian diplomatic bag was accidentally searched by customs officers, contrary to diplomatic conventions. Before the search was stopped, the bag was found to contain cocaine brownies, snortable marijuana, gold leaf toilet paper rolls, and jars of whale oil. Even though the bags were promptly handed over to the Bigtopian embassy, questions have been raised about this discovery.

  1. “This is the most obvious case of smuggling I’ve ever seen!” says customs officer Gertie Dahl, oblivious to a man wearing a trenchcoat full of fake watches sneaking through the checkpoint behind her. “Those Bigtopians are abusing our trust by bringing in all manner of illegal items, and not paying duties on the legal ones. You need to punish the Bigtopians by expelling them immediately, even if it exposes us as breaking diplomatic conventions.”
  2. “Why do we allow diplomatic bags anyway?” asks one of your aides. “Just treat embassy luggage the same as any other luggage, subject to the exact same rules and examination as everybody else’s bags.”
  3. “While diplomatic bags aren’t meant to contain contraband, the greater fault is ours,” observes your Minister of Protocol. “To open a diplomatic bag — even accidentally — is a major breach of trust. Embassies being allowed to confidentially send documents and communications to their own governments is the basis of international diplomacy. Also, dare I say it, our own diplomatic bags carry sensitive information back to us from other nations which are critical to our intelligence community. Apologise to the Bigtopians, claim you didn’t look closely at the contents, and offer them a hefty payment in contrition for our impoliteness.”
  4. “The illegal products aren’t as important as the concealed intel,” agrees spymaster ‘N’, while searching your briefcase without permission. “Imagine the valuable intelligence we could find by covertly opening every country’s diplomatic bags. We could learn military secrets, along with the names of foreign spies within our country, then replicate their passports for espionage. We can blackmail couriers, walk them through hidden scanners, and employ tradecraft in other subtler ways to compromise the bags. It’s the right thing to do for our glorious Free Land.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government reports are now used to teach toddlers to read.

2022-03-16 21:00

Syntax Destruction

Your Minister for the Treasury, Allen Redbridge, has come under fire as market analysts and journalists complain that his predictions about the future of Random Chaos’s economy are vague to the point of uselessness. His detractors are dubbing his avoidance of clear statements ‘Syntax Destruction’: the presentation of extremely long and obfuscated reports that have little real content.

  1. “I shouldn’t have to spend hours poring over reams of government documents for just one story!” complains McKay Fowler, reporter for the Random Chaosian Enquirer, slamming a large stack of papers onto your desk. “Look at this! One thousand nine hundred eighty-four pages! What Minister Redbridge is doing is dishonest and despicable. You need to force him and those like him to use plain language and get to the point, so that the common people of Random Chaos will be able to decipher what’s going on in the government.”
  2. “It has been demonstrated,” Minister Allen Redbridge replies during an interview, “that markets affect an unexpected multitude of industries at even the slightest suspicion of an impending perturbation. Thus, it behooves those knowledgeable in its idiosyncrasies to uphold their responsibilities in defending such precipitous gateways to knowledge, and acting in such a manner of least reaction, to satisfy their due diligence to avoid creating a condition which could potentially upset the precarious balance between bears and bulls, be they platitudes, or omissions. Indeed, one who acts in contravention to the aforementioned manner also acts against their own best interests, and thereby undermines status as well as dispels their cloak of competence. Such a transgressor shall be dismissed by the knowledgeable majority, of course, thus not necessitating any external provocation.”
  3. “Spoken or written words, delivered on matters of policy by person or persons within the government, hereafter referred to as a government commentary, constitute a legal statement,” explains prominent lawyer Sigourney McCartney. “It is my professional opinion that a government commentary should use only legal terminology to ensure clarity of meaning.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government terminates employment with extreme prejudice.

2022-03-16 15:00

Inexpert Opinions

Scandalously, a recent TV interview revealed that your Minister for Public Health doesn’t know much about being healthy. He didn’t know the difference between a bacterium and a virus, and thought that Ebola was the name of a Bigtopian princess.

  1. Director of Communications Malcolm Capaldi has had a very busy day shouting at his inferiors, but makes some time to shout at you. “Right, that is it! I’ve had enough of politicians with no experience or knowledge of their department’s aegis. It’s about as useful as asking a brain surgeon to climb a tree! What’s next? An Environmental Advisor who doesn’t believe in climate change? I say we need properly qualified professionals leading their departments. A doctor caring for the health service, a teacher in charge of education, and so on. In fact, there should be a mandatory examination paper that you have to pass to hold a government position. No more idiot politicians, please!”
  2. Much to everyone’s surprise, Yasuyuki Rice, the shamed Public Health Minister, squeezes in through your window, having climbed a tree to your floor. “Whew... I think I’ve evaded those journalists! I agree that we must ensure this doesn’t happen again. We ministers should be better supported in our appointments; we can only be as good as our briefings! A proper team of aides and analysts for all officials will ensure we don’t get caught out again, even if it increases administrative costs. Oh, by the way, in case anyone asks you, it turns out Ebola is a type of disease!”
  3. Rummaging through your desk for valuables, an uninvited burglar decides to comment. “If I may speak for us decent working folk, I can honestly only name one or two ministers in your Cabinet. Why? Because we, the people, didn’t elect them. No one in government should be doing a job unless the public chose them for it. We must hold elections for all ministerial posts. There’s only like six of them, aren’t there?”
  4. Your mother walks in with a tray of freshly baked cookies for everyone. “I don’t know about all these big ideas; the problem is quite simple. Only you know how you want to run this country. It’s all well and good having friends to help but I’m not sure they actually do anything. Surely you can do it all yourself, little darling; you shouldn’t let anyone question your decisions or your absolute rule. Any spare politicians that won’t bow out gracefully you should get rid of. Just give them a poisoned cookie or something.” She smiles innocently as your Public Health Minister desperately spits out a mouthful of crumbs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mantis shrimp studies is academia's fastest-growing field.

2022-03-16 09:00

Devil and the Deep Blue Funding Gap

A group of scientists have come to your office hoping for grants to explore the deep blue sea.

  1. “Our lack of knowledge of the ocean is unacceptable!” lectures Jacques Zissou, Emeritus Professor of Marine Biology. “We know less about the ocean floor than we do the lunar surface. The dearth of research is absurd! Were the government to provide more funding, we could perform studies on marine life, underwater volcanoes, currents, and more. The possibilities are endless. Sure, it’ll cost a pretty chip, but the dissertations will be enthralling.”
  2. “Oh sure, let’s spend millions of chips to find out what’s in the ocean. Oh wait, I can already tell you: it’s just WATER,” your budget advisor remarks sarcastically. “There is no point in spending tax money to know what kind of dirt is on the ocean floor. The government should scrap all research projects designed without real economic benefit. The last thing Random Chaos needs is yet another harebrained scheme to study the mating habits of dolphins or something comparably ridiculous.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bargain hunters descend on disaster zones for a quick spot of grocery shopping.

2022-03-16 03:00

Flooding the Market

Recent floods devastated low-lying areas, and the affected areas are only just starting to recover. Now, news is emerging that during the disaster many local retailers were found to have significantly elevated prices for basic necessities such as water, blankets, flashlights, and matsutake mushrooms.

  1. “The sheer nerve!” gasps disaster survivor and multimillionaire actor Monica Cockburn, who is wearing nothing but an old potato sack to elicit sympathy. “After we’ve lost everything, these predators had the nerve to profit from human suffering? These price gougers didn’t care how much they were hurting people, so the government must care. Fix prices in place for the duration of any disaster, and shut down any store that refuses to comply!”
  2. “Fixing prices in place isn’t enough,” argues charity worker Tsongba Kamen, pushing aside the disaster victim so he can take center stage. “Retailers can set whatever prices they want throughout the year, but during times of disaster they should be forced to discount basic necessities, for the sake of human kindness. These big companies can easily afford a temporary loss, and this way disaster victims don’t have to choose between bread and batteries.”
  3. “If they don’t like the free market, they shouldn’t be living in Random Chaos!” snaps Mega-Mart CEO Brian Reagan, phoning in from his beach condo in sunny Manamana. “Look, our primary moral and legal responsibility is to our shareholders. Our prices are our own business, but hey, if the government is so desperate to give stuff for free to disaster victims, why don’t you just buy stock from us? We’ll even give you a bulk discount for goods near their expiry date, and that way everyone wins.”
  4. “Power to the People! Potatoes for the Proletariat!” chants pro-communalist speaker Gretel Wu, whose father is said to own half of Gambler County. “I ask you, why isn’t the government mass-producing and storing long-life foodstuffs, in order to distribute them for free during times of crisis and national emergency?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the little guy plays a big role in Random Chaosian politics.

2022-03-15 21:00

A Minor Political Problem

After the latest election, campaign finance auditors discovered that one of the most popular politicians in Random Chaos received a huge number of donations from minors who aren’t yet old enough to vote.

  1. “It’s sick to think people are okay with preying on our nation’s youth,” bemoans a parent whose teenage son donated to the campaign in question. “I was getting suspicious when my son kept asking me for money, and now I figure out he was giving it away to some crazy kook. These young folks can’t even vote yet, and greedy politicians are already taking their money! Please, you have to kick this person out of parliament, and make it illegal for candidates to take advantage of our innocent children.”
  2. “The average donation to my campaign was only twenty-seven chips per person. Do we really want to discourage our future voters from participating in the political process?” asks Ernie Flanders, the elderly politician in question, who is surprisingly popular with people half your age. “I love listening to the young people of Random Chaos, and my message just happens to resonate with them. Don’t ya know there are some very smart kids who want to get involved early? It should be up to them to decide how to spend their money, not the government.”
  3. “This demographic is an untapped gold mine!” excitedly announces your chief election strategist, preparing several colorful goody bags. “This guy was onto something big here. Not literally, as kids are small, but something that will certainly help us out in a big way. Let’s allow children to vote too! Then, we could start campaigning at schools all across Random Chaos, filling our youth with promises of ice cream and toys if they vote for us. I can see it already, Leader; we’ll win in a landslide!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sleazy politicians exploit the Parliamentary Code of Conduct to purge their rivals.

2022-03-15 15:00

Parliamentary Playground

After a WhoTube video featuring MPs in an outright brawl went viral, foreign commentators now regularly mock the hijinks in the Random Chaosian Parliament. In order to save face, several MPs have tried to rein in the legislature’s embarrassing behavior.

  1. “We need a Parliamentary Code of Conduct to make sure this appalling behavior doesn’t happen again,” states Opposition Leader Minerva Gorbachev. “Your entire cabinet mooned me while I was speaking yesterday for Violet’s sake! You wouldn’t get away with that kind of behavior in any other workplace, so why is Parliament exempt? We need to show the citizenry that this is a place of serious and mature discussion, not a schoolyard playground.”
  2. “That’s a good start, but it doesn’t go far enough!” exclaims avid RC-SPAN watcher and schoolteacher Theseus Morris. “I always sit down and watch Question Period with the kids to teach them how democracy in Random Chaos works. They were subjected to the brawl, the mooning, and all those fights involving the chicken costume. Any politician who acts in such a disgraceful way should be barred from running for political office ever again. If we don’t take tougher stances against this disgraceful behavior, our kids will start thinking that this is an acceptable way for them to act.”
  3. “We have a right to express our political dissatisfaction, no matter how... unorthodox our methods are,” says Bob Takei, one of your more outspoken cabinet ministers while making an obscene gesture towards the other speakers. “Sure, sometimes things can get a little heated, but that’s the nature of politics. If the loyal opposition can’t handle a few choice words or an entire hour of jeering, then they shouldn’t have run for office. Besides, what about freedom of speech? Aren’t we still big on that?”
  4. “Hold up! Outta my way!” shouts pro-wrestler Stone Fist as he barges his way into your office and places one of your aides in a chokehold. “What if instead of debates, politicians settled their scores with trial by combat? Build a thunderdome in Parliament. Two MPs enter; one MP leaves! Imagine the ratings and publicity! People could even bet chips on the results. At the very least, the public will be a lot more invested in the outcome of parliamentary debates.” Your aide passes out as Stone Fist releases his grip.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians and casino owners who so much as wander into the same room are arrested on the spot.

2022-03-15 09:00

Voters, Place Your Bets!

In response to a news story about a casino oddsmaker using offshore betting lines to perfectly predict the last set of election results in Random Chaos, interested parties have wrangled their way into your office to bicker about what to do with this potential prediction tool.

  1. “Have you no decency whatsoever?” thunders Gillian Horner, the Violetist demiarchwizard of Random Chaos City, before anyone else can say a word. “Even if gambling WEREN’T a mortal sin, the democratic process will fail under such a mighty burden! You must outlaw gambling on elections. Card games are one thing, but this is gambling with the very future of Random Chaos! Oh, and we should crack down on those sinful casinos while we’re at it.”
  2. “Now, there’s no reason to get excited,” soothes Llywelyn Perez, the Random Chaos Commissioner of Elections. “We can use this in a nice, boring, I mean safe, kind of way. Why don’t we take bets on elections like bookmakers would take bets on Random Chaosian Pharoah in the Random Chaos City Derby? If the Election Commission runs all the action, we’ll keep out the riff-raff AND put a little extra cash in our domestic budgets.”
  3. “Legalized gambling on ALL votes would be real sweet for our little thing— uh, for the economy,” confides Herb Watterson, an unindicted co-conspirator in the trial of notorious mobster Maxine “The Octopus” Barryotti. “Folks should be allowed to make a little somethin’ when their favorites win, am I right? More jobs, more civic participation! And just between you and me, we could really clean up.” He nudges you with his elbow, glances around, and continues quietly, “Some candidates might just be headed for a fall, know what I mean?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, minor parties are virtually absent in Parliament.

2022-03-15 03:00

Electile Dysfunction

Stung by an extensive exposé in The Random Chaos City Tattler of faulty and corrupt elections processes, certain Members of Parliament are loudly demanding that the Electoral Commission of Random Chaos revisit the current voting system.

  1. “What’s wrong with a plurality voting system?” rhetorically questions MP Anakin Bouvier. “Count the votes, and the candidate with the most wins. It’s the simplest and cheapest methodology, and it creates a stable two-party system without any radicals wasting Parliament’s precious time. What more could you want? And...” the MP leans forward and continues in a hushed tone, “It’s the best way to ensure our party stays in power indefinitely.”
  2. “Our current electoral system needs only a little tweaking,” says Ellie Harishchandra, a member of the Electoral Commission. “Why don’t we adopt instant-runoff voting? That way people can vote for their favorite candidates plus their second and third choices without worrying whether they’re mainstream enough. We’ll need to hire a few more people at the Electoral Commission to tally the rounds of votes, but honestly I don’t see that as a problem.”
  3. “Now is the time to completely overhaul the electoral system!” cries Judas O'Bannon, chairperson of a single-issue political party dedicated to legalizing gambler wrestling. “We need proportional representation now! If we adopt party-list proportional representation with open lists, political minorities will gain seats relative to the popular vote and actually have a voice. The centrists have dictated government policy for too long; let the political fringes speak!”
  4. “You’re missing the whole point of democracy,” argues a strange woman wearing a toga. “Democracy is about equality! The best system of representation is sortition. Go back to the ancient way of doing things and pick representatives from among the common citizens through allotment. People who run for political office are usually untrustworthy and power-hungry. Randomly-selected citizens will make far better decisions than greedy politicians, even if they’re a little incompetent. Lottocracy all the way!”
  5. “Or we could just do away with this populist sham,” sneers Sir Groot Ungar, a landed gentleman. “Do the teeming masses really need to complicate our lives? Institute a steep poll tax to keep workers from voting, and we won’t be troubled by the greedy plebeians and their insatiable desire for more welfare. Cut the entire welfare budget while you’re at it, and respectable people like us can have a nice tax cut.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has ordered a moratorium on referenda.

2022-03-14 21:00

How Much Democracy Is Too Much?

Government bureaucrats have called for an end to the mandatory referenda of new laws, citing the difficulty of processing so many votes on a regular basis.

  1. “The madness has gone on for long enough,” says Voting Registry Clerk Sterling Bacon, visibly suffering from sleep deprivation. “We’ve been working around the clock processing all these referendums! Every day we receive millions of votes for the most inconsequential of by-laws! They all have to be counted, recounted, checked for errors, and it’s driving me up the wall! You need to leave the responsibility of voting to Parliament. After all, representing the people is what they get paid for.”
  2. “Don’t stop the referendums! We need more democracy, not less!” cries Augustus Gilligan, a prominent voting rights advocate. “Giving the law back to the people was a good first step, but where’s the democracy in the courts? Court verdicts are still forced down the people’s throats by mean, spiteful judges with no one to answer to! It’s time to abolish the judicial system once and for all and give justice back to the people!”
  3. “Excuse us, but aren’t you missing the point?” asks the unidentified spokesperson of some citizens gathered around your office door. “We, the people of Random Chaos, know what is in our best interests. We can make our OWN decisions. Why don’t you leave this matter to us? We’ll hold a referendum to decide what needs to be done, should only be a week or two. We’ll get back to you once we’re finished.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, translators have been hired to deal with the varying regional accents during national political debates.

2022-03-14 15:00

Dude, Where’s My Elected Representative?

A recent survey of MPs in Random Chaos revealed that only 50% of them actually live in the ridings that they represent.

  1. “This is a disgrace!” shouts street protester and irate bird farmer Neil Kim, whilst launching some sort of squishy projectile at your front door with a handheld catapult. “How is someone who lives in Northern Random Chaos supposed to have any understanding of how people in Southern Random Chaos live? My MP lives hundreds of miles away from the good honest folk he’s claiming to represent. Frankly, it’s an insult to the electorate. The government must force elected representatives to live in the areas they’re supposed to represent, or kick them out of office!”
  2. “This is a democracy, remember?” argues Paul Nutter, who was elected to represent the rural fishing folk of Gambler-by-the-Sea, despite living in Random Chaos City. “I may not live in the rural wilderness right now, though I’ll probably live there one day. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about these places. I mean, I do have access to Kwikipedia, after all! Forcing me to resign is a slap in the face to the good people of Gambler-by-the-Sea and an insult to democracy itself!”
  3. “There’s always room for compromise,” suggests noted centrist politician, Susie Rivera, who is known for attending as many government meetings as possible. “Obviously we need to have our politicians be knowledgeable about the areas they’re representing, but we also can’t deny them a right to choose their own place of residence. How about we instead compel all politicians to educate themselves about their chosen ridings? Force them to study the area’s history, culture, and languages and actually spend some time there. Then, test them! Give them an examination to pass to prove they know their stuff! If they fail, then they can’t run in that riding. After all, a little bit of knowledge never did anyone any harm.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the might of the entire Random Chaosian Navy is focused on fifty bemused spear-throwing islanders.

2022-03-14 09:00

Tribes and Tribulations

A Random Chaosian tourist was killed on an island inhabited by an uncontacted, neolithic tribe known as the Maxeliese. The victim’s family is demanding justice, but the matter is further complicated by the fact that the tribe’s island is considered Wezeltonian territory.

  1. “Those savages murdered my brother!” states Gretel Targaryen, pummelling your desk in a fit of rage. “As they clearly don’t understand concepts like ‘respect for the rule of law’, you should bomb the island and send them back to the Stone Age! That’ll send a stark lesson to them and any other tribe that wishes to mess with Random Chaos!”
  2. “And risk going to war with Wezeltonia?” rebuts your Minister of Defense while folding out a map of the region. “Look, I sympathize that one of our citizens was killed, but frankly he should have known better. That island is clearly marked as off-limits by the Wezeltonian government. What we need to do is pressure their government to step up patrols to ensure that this tragedy never happens again, allowing this tribe to develop as nature intended. I’m sure we could lend a ship or two to help out.”
  3. “This tribe is a perfect chance to study living history!” exclaims famed archaeologist Iowa Smith, donning his trademark Stetson and whip. “These people are living just like our ancestors did thousands of years ago. Why not send a covert team to monitor them? Think of the scientific discoveries, the adventure! I’m sure the Wezeltonian government can be persuaded to help us out if we hand over those artifacts they say we stole from them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are exhausted from weekly general elections.

2022-03-14 03:00

Solving a Dissolving Dilemma

Following several months of political squabbling, there is concern that the incumbent legislature in Random Chaos is no longer able to function efficiently. As a result, some have been questioning if voters should be allowed to dissolve the parliament and call for a new election.

  1. “This government is ridiculously ineffective!” exclaims Leader of the Opposition Avery Dimitrov, who appears to have snuck into your office while you were out for lunch. “It’s a well-documented fact that not even members of the majority party are satisfied with the current parliamentary leadership. Citizens should be able to initiate a referendum to dissolve the legislature! Let the people decide what the future of Random Chaos will be.”
  2. “This is obviously an absurd notion,” says Finnick Lazenby, the current Minister of the Interior. “Random Chaos has had a regular election schedule for ages, without any major catastrophes since that incident with Mr. Scruffy. There’s no need to muck it up by constantly dissolving parliament. The voters elected us for a full term of office; to serve anything less than that is anti-democratic.”
  3. “If you ask me, the power to dissolve the legislature should only be wielded by our glorious leader,” asserts infamous sycophant Kristy Sandler, the author of 1001 Paeans to Leader. “In the capable hands of such an august personage, this awesome power can be used as a safeguard against those elected crooks in our parliament. I’m confident our supreme protector wouldn’t dare abuse it.” She continues to stare at you in adulation as security escorts her out of your office.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Members of Parliament operate under a PAYE scheme.

2022-03-13 21:00

Voting for More Money

It has long been traditional in Random Chaos for Members of Parliament to set their own salary. This has, however, led to a recent vote in which members unanimously tripled their pay. Watchdog groups have spoken out against this.

  1. “Oh, wouldn’t the world be a happier place if we could all decide our wages,” shouts Wilbur Pong, leader of the World Of Watchdog, an anti-corruption foundation. “Who in their right minds would vote against getting more money with no strings attached? This quite obviously cannot be allowed to continue or where will it end? That money should be used to fund hospitals, not personal luxuries! Well enough is enough! Politicians’ salaries should be set by public vote! Maybe then we’ll see something more reasonable!”
  2. “I couldn’t agree less,” says Cillian Whedon, a Member of Parliament. “Sure, some people might think that having eight cars and three secretaries is excessive, but I’m doing our country a valuable service. Probably one of the most important services there is: representing the people and deciding what course our country should take. It’s an incredibly stressful job and there’s no way we could do it with lower pay. Members of Parliament ought to be allowed anything they want in return for all they do for Random Chaos. If we have what we want we’re less likely to take bribes too.”
  3. “Perhaps there’s a way to compromise,” says Imogen Dodinas, an amateur economist, philosopher and lepidopterist. “The problem here is that politicians could either be paid too little or too much. What if we paid them just right by paying them according to how well they do their job? Keep a close monitor on the needs of their constituencies and give bonuses for resolving problems and coming under budget. It gives them a proper monetary incentive to do their jobs. Some will have a harder time than others and the whole idea may be costly but if it cracks down on corruption I’m all for it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, document forgery is a critical skill for would-be politicians.

2022-03-13 15:00

A Seat Quite Vacant Is a Seat Distressed

Just yesterday, Ibrahim Dovey — the elected representative for Upper Gamblerville — tragically died while giving a speech at a hospital construction site when an entire wall collapsed on top of him. Unfortunately, various laws passed in different eras have conflicting instructions in the event of a politician’s death, causing trepidation amongst the local voters.

  1. “The easiest solution would be for you to personally appoint an ‘interim representative’, someone to act in his stead — just until the next election,” posits Mia Levy, a devoted supporter of your party. “It wouldn’t be long — our elections are pretty regular, right? — and it would save the hassle and cost of holding a special election. As it happens, I know just the right candidate...”
  2. “It seems to me that the person who was elected should have the right to pick their successor, if they are unable to finish their term,” declares Wally Dovey, the son of the deceased representative. “Presumably, they would choose someone who was of like mind, and could be counted on to continue supporting their predecessor’s agenda. If the new person turns out to be a dud, they would surely be voted out at the next election. Just require all elected officials to write down their preferred replacement on some sort of notarized form, and the problem would be solved.”
  3. “HELP, HELP, I’M BEING REPRESSED!” melodramatically screams Dennis Baker, an independent candidate famously opposed to the formation of political parties. “Strange coroners sitting in offices distributing death certificates is no basis for a system of government! Just have a by-election, the same as any other proper democratic country. No one knows who’s the next candidate the people might want, so we’ll have to put it to the people to find out!”
  4. “Actually, I know exactly who the people want,” states Fleur Glenn, the most recent opposition candidate for the seat. “Me! I had the next most votes, and in the event of an elected official’s untimely passing, the runner-up should be given the job. Surely, that’s the best way to respect the will of the people — or at least 37% of them.”
  5. “Pffft. So he’s dead. That doesn’t affect me!” derides Lance Modi, who lives in a nearby district. “You always forget about us Lower Gamblerville folks. Those toffs from Upper Gamblerville get all the funding, and we get squat! They can do without an elected representative for a little while. That’ll teach them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a degree in Leader Science with a Minor in Awesomeology starts many political careers.

2022-03-13 09:00

Lessons in Politics

The Politics Department at the University of Gambler City has come under criticism from opposition politicians because the programme is clearly and unashamedly biased in favour of you, Leader, and your political ideologies.

  1. “This is immoral! The university faculty is so biased, they may as well just call themselves your official fan club,” complains Opposition Leader Whoopi Lannister, quickly hiding a dartboard bearing your face behind her back. “Universities should have a balanced syllabus, not be indoctrinating young minds into some cult of personality. For the sake of democratic freedom, you must institute measures to ensure non-biased teaching in all universities, and political balance of opinion within teaching staff.”
  2. “This is not about partisanship; it is about academic autonomy,” retorts Politics Professor Colleen Ruiz, signing a copy of her latest book Why Lannister Smells of Fish. “We, as a faculty, just so happen to choose to support your politics. And we just so happen to attract a capable staff who are all like-minded. It is our absolute democratic right to set our own syllabus, without interference from government! You, being one of the wisest leaders that this nation has ever seen, must surely see this!”
  3. “I have to say, you’re really popular with the politically enlightened Gambler City graduates, and that can only help at the polling station,” points out election campaign manager Hyrum Ambrose. “Maybe you’d have an even stronger majority if we named that university a ‘flagship centre of education’, and put them in charge of setting the national university-level political syllabus.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is forced to pander to the will of every fruitcake politician.

2022-03-13 03:00

Filibuster Bust-Up

Filibustering, where politicians attempt to keep a debate on new laws going indefinitely, has been plaguing recent attempts to pass bills. Several aged politicians have been orating non-stop throughout three days worth of debating time, stopping any legislation from being passed.

  1. “This sham of a tactic is totally demolishing our ability to accomplish anything!” complains Marina Sato, Minister of Ministries. “Who cares if a few old fossils fail to see reason? The majority of the government clearly wants this legislation to pass! Just set a limit on the time a person can speak for; this really is demeaning to the democratic process!”
  2. While taking a bathroom break before moving on to read aloud from the phonebook, Simon Assange states: “It is a great thing for the minority and the oppressed that our system of government allows the filibuster to be utilised to harness the majority! Let the hills, the mountains, and the valleys reverberate with the sounds of our voices! We will not surrender to this repugnant legislation.”
  3. “The filibuster is not enough to protect the minority, since they are too afraid of the tyrannical majority to use it,” says political commentator, Artemis Gibson. “I suggest that all legislation must require a unanimous vote before it can pass. That way, nobody goes away unhappy.”
  4. “Why do we need to debate legislation anyway?” questions Ethel Meyer, your Minister of Alternative Solutions, who also happens to be the best friend of your distant cousin. “Everything would be so much more simple if we just decide what to do, and do it. After all, we’re the ones who know what’s best for Random Chaos. If the minority parties want to say something, they can submit it in writing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, savvy nightclub-goers know that structurally unsound venues sell the cheapest drinks.

2022-03-12 21:00

A Case of Poor Turnaround

The Gambler Room — a Random Chaos City nightclub known as a swinging hotspot — was recently the site of a tragic fire that started with a flaming sambuca shot and ended claiming the lives of hundreds. Fire investigators have attributed the high number of deaths to multiple causes, but most notably the large revolving door which was the only access to the premises, which panicked crowds jammed against as they tried to escape the blaze.

  1. “Imagine being pushed from behind, trying to get through a door which you know is unlocked, but which is providing no escape because of the mass of people trying to get through,” narrates criminal legislator Melody Grove. “The simple solution? Doors that swing outwards. Every revolving door must either be flanked by or replaced by swing doors, and proper fire exits must be built into every building that is accessible to the public.”
  2. “Look, I’m sad, I’m super sad about that tragedy,” says Tamara Kennedy, manager of competing nightclub Random Chaos City Nights, as she pens a flyer for a Special Memorial Tribute Disco. “But do you really want all that bureaucracy putting a dampener on the whole nocturnal recreation industry? I tell you, all those dead party-goers would be spinning in their graves! Instead, step back and let the invisible hand of capitalism guide future fire safety measures. Customer choice and the laws of market competition will result in safer nightclubs, I guarantee it!”
  3. “There’s potentially a silver lining here to the black clouds of smoke around this situation,” mentions your Minister of Surprises, popping up from behind a sofa. “A known dissident and vocal critic of your rule was amongst the dead. We should see this as a signpost to future opportunities. With a little surveillance of our political opponents’ social habits, a little well-planned arson, and a few strategically locked doors... well, let’s just say your problems will go up in smoke.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the new 'Who Wants To Be A Politician' election debate auditions are more popular than the debates themselves.

2022-03-12 15:00

A Debatable Question

It’s election season in Random Chaos, and several of the smaller political parties are voicing their concerns about being left out of the big televised debates, again.

  1. “It’s so unfair,” sulks Lord Kettlenoggin, leader of the Marxist Alliance For The Advancement Of Agrarian Libertarianism (MAFTAOAL), while speaking to a local gathering of six people. “We polled just below one percent last election cycle, and I demand to be heard! In fact, anybody that wants to join in should have the right to do so. The big parties are just scared to let us debate with them, but don’t let that get in the way of what really matters; vox populism, eh, populi.”
  2. “It’s both fair and efficient,” lectures Michelle Patel, majority whip for the Liberal Conservatives, while crushing a Gambler Supremacy Party campaign pamphlet under her heel. “Only the biggest parties stand a real chance at power, and muddling what really matters with thirty different fringe causes, which have no ground in reality, would be unfair to the voters. Trying to mess with the way we’ve been doing political debates since the dawn of time will only serve to put mental stress on the masses, so let’s not.”
  3. “I don’t think we have to go to either extreme here,” suggests Simon Cobweb, former TV-producer and the freshest face on your team of spin-doctors. “If we gave the power to decide eligibility to some non-partisan commission, they could set specific criteria to be included in the televised debates, and a panel of impartial judges could rate prospects based on that. Now, that’s fair. It might cost an extra chip or two, but can you really put a price on democracy? Hmm, I guess I just did, kind of.”
  4. “All this debating is giving me a headache,” complains Tayyip Waialiki, your Minister of Daft Ideas. “Imagine all the time people would save if they didn’t spend the day listening to arguments about tweaking the tax code or giving benefits to old people.” He motions over to a window overlooking a lone activist spray-painting ‘MAFTAOAL FTW’ across Random Chaos City’s main square. “I have an idea, what if we just stopped debating altogether? No meddling politicians, at all. Let the voters decide for themselves.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians tend to jump ship to whichever party is currently leading in the polls.

2022-03-12 09:00

Put a Fence Around the Commons Floor?

Protesting a recent policy decision you made, one of your prominent cabinet ministers, Judas Benedict, today crossed the floor and joined the main opposition party. You and some more loyal ministers are now holding an emergency debate on this.

  1. “Floor-crossing is against democracy!” roars your Majority Whip, literally taking a birch rod to the backside of a recalcitrant backbencher. “Not only is floor-crossing a betrayal of the party, it is a betrayal of the voters who elect politicians on the basis of their political party. When politicians leave their party they must resign and seek re-election.”
  2. “Leader, the only reason you’re getting upset is because one of yours came to us,” gloats the Leader of the Opposition, helping himself to a sandwich from your lunchbox. “Sometimes people have a change of heart and begin to see the world in a different light. It is the right of every person and politician to ally themselves with whatever party best suits their conscience. The people give democratic mandate to the individual, who then uses it according to best judgement.”
  3. “I have a solution that renders the whole problem of floor-crossing moot,” interjects independent politician Dorothy Hyde from the back of the crowded room, hoping you’ll notice her. “Why don’t we simply scrap all political parties and have every politician run as an independent? Think about it! Partisan loyalty is a barrier to true freedom. Let politicians campaign on their individual merits, and represent no-one but themselves.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Rudest Citizens and the Top 10% for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians spend a lot of time hanging around kids' playgrounds.

2022-03-12 03:00

Children of the Magna Carta

A growing movement of children have petitioned the government to give them a voice in the nation’s parliament.

  1. “The youth of Random Chaos feel disenfranchised from the institutions that make the decisions that affect their lives,” begins a young girl, who is immediately interrupted by one of her classmates. “We propose that Random Chaos establish a youth parliament, with the power to submit bills for the consideration of the national parliament. This will ensure equal representation as well as a voice for today’s youth.”
  2. “Bravo! These students represent the best and the brightest of our nation, and they’re just so cute too!” says Kitty Gennaro, your Minister of Education as she wipes a tear from her eye. “However, these are their formative years, and they should be spent honing their intelligent little brains, not making potentially binding decisions for our nation. Instead, why not have schools appoint their own student governments? We’ll give the education budget a little boost to help in their creation.”
  3. “Indeed, these fine youngsters are the pride of our nation,” begins Prospero Mendez, your Minister of the Interior, as Gennaro shoos the student delegates out. “But, not all of our youth are as eloquent and informed as those two delegates. I for one, am particularly wary of these so-called ‘young adults’ who have the power to influence the direction our country goes in at such a wee age! I urge you to raise the voting age by five years.”
  4. “None of you really seem to appreciate the beauty of what we just witnessed,” declares Willow Stone, your Minister of Child Welfare. “The organization, the effort, and the care of those students coming together with a focused and compassionate vision of equality for our nation. It has me thinking... why not permanently appoint some children to your cabinet? Let’s give, say, a third of all positions to under-18s. Who is more sensitive, considerate, and goal-driven than they are? Certainly not our ineffectual, and frankly myopic parliament.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chain casinos dominate the national gambling market.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Authoritarian Democracy" to "Moralistic Democracy".

2022-03-11 21:00

Lotto Fever

Your ever-enterprising brother was recently arrested for running a surprisingly large numbers racket; the earnings allowed him to purchase several foreign luxury cars. Your advisers, surprised by gambling’s potential profitability, have begun debating the possibility of a National Lottery to raise government funds. The idea has drawn fire from social groups, who have come to warn you of the evils of gambling.

  1. “A National Lottery would be a great idea,” says your money-obsessed Minister of Finance, Taylor Sisko. “This is just what the economy needs. Everybody is attracted to the idea of becoming a millionaire overnight. And best of all, this is as close as you can get to taxing the poor without actually calling it that! That surplus could even subsidize our struggling strategic basket weaving sector. A government-owned lottery would permit small games of chance while keeping out the sleazy, parasitic casinos.”
  2. “A gambling ban is essential to the moral fibre of the nation,” counters social worker, Arist Bishop, wearing a t-shirt with the slogan ‘Don’t be a Fool; Gambling’s not Cool’. “Gambling addiction causes countless broken homes abroad, and having a national lottery would only introduce the problem into Random Chaos. For the sake of Random Chaosian families, we MUST stand firm against the sin of gambling!”
  3. A man sporting a ten-gallon cowboy hat rolls in an impressive scale model of a casino city, complete with a flashing neon light display. “Well howdy, folks! I couldn’t help but overhear that your gambling industry is in the toilet. Why not hand over the new lottery to the private sector? I have a plan to use that lottery money to create massive casino cities. I’ve built casinos in Maxtopia, Bigtopia, and North Lilliputia and by gum, it put them on the map! Just think of all the tourists who will flock to Random Chaos: The Gambling Center of The Hatrackia!”
  4. “And why are we letting some guy with a ridiculous hat profit from this new industry?” exclaims your brother, who was not invited to this meeting. “We’d be much better off with a government monopoly of all gambling institutions, so the profits don’t all end up in that foreigner’s bank account. But instead of wasting that sweet, sweet lolly on a basketcase subsidization plan, imagine the fun WE could have. You know, for a world leader, your digs are kinda shabby. What’s say we use that gambling money for your own personal pleasure palace? It would be all for you. And family of course.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Psychotic Dictatorship" to "Authoritarian Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the decision to be oppressed is now made democratically.

2022-03-11 16:00

You’re Psychotic, Leader

A palace guard had to torture one of your most trusted aides today after hearing her murmur to another advisor that the World Assembly has classified your beloved nation as a psychotic dictatorship. After your brother related the torture in gory detail during a family dinner, the topic of how to improve your image with the WA has come up.

  1. “Let the people have a bit of political freedom,” announces your nephew, whose authoritarianism is tempered only by his strange love for democracy. “The people love you and your tough but fair demeanor! Get the rubber stamp of a democratically free vote and you’ll get to keep the populace in check - and maybe the WA will back off with their ‘psychotic’ talk.”
  2. “The only freedom Random Chaos needs is freedom on the entrepreneurial front,” proposes Carmen O'Brien, a shady Eckie-Ecola executive known for her iron-fisted consumerism, who is currently serving Eckie-Ecolas to your family. “You should focus on promoting big multinational businesses in Random Chaos and slashing the regulation on them. Think about the economic growth that’d come from it, all while you retain your power and keep the populace from running rampant. With a freer economy I’m sure the World Assembly will be open to considering Random Chaos in a different light.”
  3. “We can’t let fickle democratic will run the government or multinationals run the economy, but we should let people run themselves,” suggests your father, who always seems to know what’s best for you. “As long as they aren’t challenging your power, they should be allowed to go wherever they want, do whatever they want, buy whatever they want, heck, even make it easy for them to start their own businesses. Enough so the World Assembly might reconsider, anyway.”
  4. “Don’t listen to those anarchists from the World Assembly,” comments your sister, while simultaneously offering her after-dinner cake to the butler that served it to her. “Just because they can’t see that you’re helping your citizens by giving them structure does not mean that you’re doing anything wrong. You should instead denounce the World Assembly and tell your people you’re only doing what’s right. Perhaps you can prove this by bumping the health care and welfare systems a bit?”
  5. “MWWHAHAHA!” maniacally laughs your brother, who is covered in gambler blood for some reason. “They want to see psychotic? We’ll show them psychotic! Rain down oppression and mayhem on all of your little playthings! Well, except for your family, of course.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, press conferences always end with standing ovations and rapturous applause.

2022-03-11 09:00

Press Gang

Your Minister of the Interior recently held an invitation-only press conference: a three-hour parade of lowball questions such as “What’s your favorite thing about interior design?” and “What color paint do you recommend for my son’s bedroom?” Many of the media outlets that were not invited to the event are less than impressed.

  1. “This was the most blatant display of corruption I’ve ever seen!” screams Leader Sucks reporter Gillian Ho, slipping your security guard a bribe to get into your office. “The media’s job is to hold the government accountable, not to cozy up to them for favors! Any reporter who wants access to an official event should get it, and officials should be forced to take questions from everyone in the room!”
  2. “The event was invitation-only due to limited seating and my very busy schedule,” asserts your Minister of the Interior, taking a break from casually chatting with the chief editor of The Leader Times. “Who gets to attend press conferences and the like should be up to our discretion, since it’s our decision to hold them in the first place. Maybe we could discuss this further over a drink?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation refuses to provide international aid.

2022-03-11 03:30

International Community Comes Doorknocking

The international community has appealed to Random Chaos to increase humanitarian aid to the world’s poorer nations.

  1. “We must increase foreign aid,” says beaded local peace activist Paris Stallone. “Compared to some of these nations, Random Chaos is swimming in chips. Let’s face it, not every nation in the world is lucky enough to have a government like ours. Let’s show some compassion to our less economically gifted neighbors.”
  2. “Talk about a way to flush chips straight down the toilet,” argues Think Tank member Winston Brooks. “What I’ve noticed is that whenever we do give something, it’s never enough: a few years later they’re back asking for more. The best way to help these poor nations is to stop shielding them from the logical consequences of their idiotic, long-debunked socialist economic policies.”
  3. “Relief wouldn’t hurt us... if we ‘relieved’ the right countries,” suggests government advisor Clint Haskell. “We give them a little humanitarian aid, they give us access to their tourism markets... it’s win-win. Nothing wrong with a little quid pro quo, especially for a good cause.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fruit market traders let their stock spoil rather than reduce their prices at the day's end.

2022-03-10 21:00

Black Days for Random Chaos

Annually, retailers in Random Chaos mark down their prices a bit and sell “limited edition” items. This year, the usual frenzy of crazed customers fighting over toasters and flat screen TVs escalated to new levels. Cut-price madness may well have tipped into societal insanity: maybe you should do something to fix the situation.

  1. “Look what those savages did to me!” yells Weena Dahl, an aggrieved customer waving a bandaged wrist stump at you. “I was trying to scan my credit card for a blender, and a wacko cut my hand off and stole the blender. The same guy also stuffed my leg into this peg leg. Now mind you, my leg is still in there, but I can’t get the damned thing off! You should ban one day discount events, and force any discount applied to be sustained for at least a week. If not for public safety, then do it in tribute to my hand!”
  2. “That’s insane... A bit like our Low Low Prices!” retorts sales rep Cindy Kringle, aiming an exaggerated wink and a cheeky smile at you. “Look, our sales quintuple during discount events. Spending drives the economy, and this generates the tax that lets you run your government. So, everyone benefits! In fact, you should make it a national holiday so people can get off from work and fight... uh, I mean compete... with each other for new stuff!”
  3. “Or, we could have a slight compromise,” states Howard Roosevelt, head of contractor firm International Retail Security. “The presence of trained security professionals can achieve up to seventy-five percent fewer deaths in-store! You should allow these ‘super sales’, but require stores to hire private security to make sure no one kills each other. That way, the business owners get to make lots of chips, but the public stays safe.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children are often punished for the sins of the fathers.

2022-03-10 15:00

Guided Missiles and Misguided Men

After years of searching for the most wanted man in Random Chaos, you are finally sitting in the war room, eyes glued to the images on the live video feed. It’s confirmed: the drone can see the infamous terrorist Han Beckham... playing with his children. It seems like it will be impossible to take the shot without also killing the small children.

  1. “Wait! We can’t hurt those little ones,” wails your aide, Zane Green, while clutching his face in horror. “I know that he’s a monster who has killed and will kill again, but are we really going to stoop down to his level? Those kids are innocent of any of the atrocities their father has committed. We must hold our fire and try to find another way that doesn’t have such a high risk of collateral damage.”
  2. From the corner of the monitor, you can see a terrorist soldier spot the drone and begin to assemble a surface-to-air-missile launch platform. The operator turns around in his chair with a look of urgency. “Boss, we’re just about to lose the drone. It’s now or never! Authorise me to take the shot. If we let him go, it might take years for us to find him again - and who knows how many more children he might kill in the meantime? The inevitable loss of the little ones will be regrettable, but we need to take him out now!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lending money has become a major liability.

2022-03-10 09:00

Extra Credit?

A series of cases of mistaken identity from the credit bureau Expertfaux recently culminated in your young cousin receiving a deluge of petitions from aggrieved citizens. Frustrated Random Chaosians, who are beginning to doubt their own names, have called the efficacy and necessity of modern credit bureaus into question.

  1. “These people have no credibility!” protests Theseus McCarthy, littering your desk with the shredded ruins of his credit report. “Incompetent credit bureaus’ background checks labeled Mr. Song as a criminal and Ms. Bowman as deceased. Besides, any attempt to boil down my life into a single number will fall short of doing me justice. Credit bureaus need more oversight, so they can’t come between hardworking Random Chaosians and the loans we need!”
  2. “These were minor mishaps,” claims Leonardo Harkness, a representative from Expertfaux, who appears to be addressing a government accountant instead of you. “Lenders, landlords, and even employers need our services to weed out undeserving clients. Imagine if companies didn’t know who in the blue they were lending to! Credit bureaus must be allowed to self-regulate without government interference. The future of our wallets depends on it!”
  3. “Doing background checks one at a time is so inefficient,” muses the accountant in question, Rosalina O'Hara. “Why not put credit regulation under government control, and research people’s financial history in advance? That way anybody can access our database at any time. I’m sure the police would love to have a record of major transactions and movements too.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sociologists can charge whatever fee they like as the nation tries to find itself.

2022-03-10 03:00

Subversive Shortwaves

Radio Free Random Chaos - operating out of neighboring Bigtopia - has been broadcasting subversive views throughout Random Chaos. Government hard-liners, outraged by the station’s ideology, have demanded that something now be done.

  1. “This cannot stand!” barks Ken Tin, head of the Armed Forces. “Bigtopia has always tried to undermine us, and allowing known rabble-rousers to broadcast their vile propaganda into our nation is just their latest attempt to destabilize our government. Immediate invasion and a blank check for the military would silence this Bigtopian nonsense once and for all.”
  2. “Excessive and far too expensive,” counters Patty Cheyney, a professor at the Random Chaos Institute of Communications Engineering. “The solution is not always bombing or occupation. After all, our main targets are their radio stations. A powerful transmitter to jam the frequencies they broadcast on will prevent anyone from listening. It just so happens I have the blueprints for such a device with me. Sure, it won’t be cheap, but it will cost far less than a prolonged military campaign.”
  3. “I think my esteemed colleagues are putting the cart before the horse,” says a shifty character from Overseas Intelligence. “It would be much more effective if there were no dissidents willing to broadcast in the first place. My people are in place; just give the word and we can silence this station within a week. Along with every other unpatriotic muckraker we can track down, of course.”
  4. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” gasps Wulfric Jammeh, a social policy adviser. “Dissent is an essential part of the political process. How are we to know what we are doing wrong if we don’t listen to our critics? Sure some of them have extreme opinions, but it’s our responsibility to build bridges and understand why they feel so disenfranchised that they felt they had to leave in the first place. I suggest initiating a government-funded study to identify the root of the problem, followed by training for all government employees to ensure none of our population feels this way again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government policies change at the drop of a rabbit.

2022-03-09 21:00

Down the Rabbit Hole

After numerous cases of brief delirium were reported in the countryside, local scientists and health officials have narrowed down the potential causes to a hallucinogenic toxin produced by a microbe that normally incubates within rabbits. Apparently, the close contact rural farmers had with tainted rabbit excrement resulted in their delusions. In response, several apoplectic and assertive citizens have accosted you while on your morning stroll to deal with the issue.

  1. “This is ridiculous,” shouts avid home gardener Alice Cheshire. “I can’t even tend my own flower beds without falling into a psychedelic trance! If I hallucinate one more rabbit wearing a waistcoat and a pocket watch, I’m gonna lose it. We must eradicate this menace, even if it means killing all the rabbits in Random Chaos! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”
  2. “Whoa, whoa, whoa... Let’s not be too hasty here,” interjects microbiologist and pharmaceutical spokeswoman Anita Plaseebeau. “This rabbit colon-based microbe gives us a rare and profitable opportunity to further both our understanding of biology and medicine. Throw a little funding our way, and we can trap some live specimens, analyze the microbe up close, and get all of Random Chaos hooked on it by Sunday.”
  3. “You all keep missing the point! These aren’t just hallucinations caused by poop, they’re gifts from the Great Rabbit Goddess!” asserts escaped mental patient and neopagan Sybil Gambler-McGee wearing her ceremonial rabbit-patterned robe and bunny slippers. “Through consuming the rabbits’ sacred defecation, we are blessed with miraculous visions of the future! Heed my prophecies, and I’ll get Random Chaos on the right path in no time.” After swallowing a handful of rabbit droppings, she twitches awkwardly on the ground while sputtering ill-fated prognostications.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens try to pass off bottlecaps they found in their backyards as historical artifacts.

2022-03-09 15:00

Buried Bones Unearth Debate

A group of college students on a camping trip to the outskirts of Random Chaos stumbled across an ancient mass grave site. The proper treatment of the remains has become a hot button issue, as various groups have staked their claims.

  1. “These bones belonged to our ancestors! Or, at least we called dibs first!” shouts Doris Underwood, a representative of the Violetstone tribe, close enough that you can feel the spittle flying from her lips. “How would you like it if we poked and prodded the remains of your ancestors? We deserve - no, we have the right - to take these bones back to our land and ceremonially burn them as our cultural heritage dictates.”
  2. “You can’t seriously consider giving up such valuable information, can you?” gasps Jayamma Cobblepot, a Professor of Anthropology at Random Chaos City University. “The information from these remains is invaluable. This is a rare opportunity to learn about ancient Random Chaosian culture and where we came from. Let us put these bones to the test, so to speak, and place our national knowledge first. We need to send these remains to the university, along with some grant money, for research and testing.”
  3. “Burn them? Letting them rot in some dank university closet? You can’t let these travesties occur!” demands Naki Kaine, the curator of the Maxsonian Museum Of History. “These bones are in pristine condition and deserve to be seen by the public! Imagine the revenue and tourism that would be brought in if you allowed me to display these bones, bared for all to see! Who cares if it upsets some smug know-it-alls or overly sensitive descendants? This is preservation! This is money, err, culture!”
  4. “Hey, what’s the big idea trying to pick and choose who gets what?” questions college student Tyler Räikkönen, followed closely by his peers. “We found those bones, so we should get to take them for ourselves! Our right to the claim is firmly supported by the case of Finders Keepers v Losers Weepers. Plus, I really need to pass my thesis. I’m running out of time and these bones would really put me over the top!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, adverts proclaim it has to be healthy if the Mornay uses hand-grated Gallopavian Gruyère.

2022-03-09 09:00

Can It!

Mass-produced microwavable meals have become increasingly popular due to their convenience and low cost. However, the Skandilundian research group Meals for Sustenance and Gastronomy has warned that the dietary imbalance found in the nation’s microwavable meals may be leaving Random Chaosians at risk of malnutrition.

  1. “This is truly embarrassing!” states physician Dr. Cindy Johnson, massaging her temples. “We have become so reliant on these low-quality packaged meals that we have lost all perception of what good nutrition is! I suggest that we abolish fast food restaurants and these dreadful poor-quality ready-meals. Instead, we should encourage Random Chaosians to enjoy cooking their own wholesome food with fresh produce.” She swats the bowl of Ma Nature’s Truly Triglyceride Macaroni and Cheese out of your hands.
  2. “Our problem is that the nation has lost any sense of fine ingredients!” declares chef Howard Quinn, manager of Random Chaos City’s finest eatery The Gilded Chip. “There’s no need to ban the commercial food industry. You should merely ensure that manufacturers and chefs use better-quality ingredients. Once they have tasted food that’s not filled with monosodium glutamate and E-numbers, they will be lining up at the door to taste all the fine cuisine Random Chaos has to offer. Such as the delights offered by my restaurant.” He places a freshly-cooked deep-dish pizza in front of you.
  3. Sniffing the air, a man wanders into your dining room and picks up your spilled macaroni. “You gonna eat that?” He devours the soggy pasta with a satisfied sigh. “I really don’t see the problem with processed meals. Firstly, they are the most delicious thing ever. Also, they’re quick and easy to make, and cheap to buy. In fact, why do we need any other food? Whether you buy Ma Nature or Yums for Tums, all microwavable meals are just so great! Why don’t we ban all other food production, and make Random Chaos the world capital for microwavable cuisine? It would be ravioli heaven!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, home renovation projects take decades to complete.

2022-03-09 03:00

Home Is Where the Lung Is

Recent studies have concluded that the indoor air quality in Random Chaosian buildings often reaches unhealthy levels, leading to decreased comfort and productivity across the nation. That explains why all your meetings this morning were interrupted by the sounds of your assistants sneezing and coughing throughout the office.

  1. “There’s a simple solution to this!” declares Kerath Bender, CEO of the trendy tech startup Vaporware LLC. “Our smart air purifiers will clean all those pesky particulates out of your homes and workplaces, and they even come with a bright LED display that glows one of 500 different colors to tell the user exactly what the machine’s doing. Just sign here and my company will sell you enough air purifiers to put those bad boys in every building in Random Chaos!”
  2. “There’s no need to blow through money like that,” snuffles your runny-nosed Minister of Safety, still clutching the tissue box that he has been carrying all morning. “Many indoor air pollutants come from the organic compounds found in building materials, paint, and cleaning products. If we restrict the use of these chemicals, we’ll tackle the root of the problem, and we won’t have to worry about biting off more than we can a-a-CHEW!”
  3. “This wouldn’t be such a problem if people weren’t spending all their time inside,” rebuts lonely park ranger Peggy Grossweiner, who deserted her post to meet with you without anybody noticing. “If you invest in public parks, plazas, and hiking trails, I think you’ll see more people enjoying the great outdoors and less people complaining about this whole indoor air quality thing, since they won’t be exposed to it anymore! Well, not as much, anyway.”
  4. “New machines? New restrictions? You’re all absolutely insane!” interrupts a disgruntled old man who you don’t recall inviting to this meeting. “You know what we did back in my day when we wanted fresh air? That’s right, open a goddang window! You should just mandate that every building open all their windows for two hours a day. Problem solved.” The man then exits the room via the open window behind him.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, journalists giggle uncontrollably while reporting the nation's drug bonfires.

2022-03-08 21:00

Delivering the Goods

Success! After months of hard work, the police have busted a contraband-smuggling operation of incredible size, with several warehouses of a variety of illegal goods broken open and the ringleaders arrested. As all are cheering the police for their fine work, the question of what you should actually do with all this contraband is being raised.

  1. “DRUGS!” yells furious Narcotics Investigator Gretel Wilson, kicking at a polythene sack full of white powder. “We gotta stand firm in condemnation of drugs! We’re going to burn all the contraband to make a statement! Zero tolerance! Zero tolerance!”
  2. “Turns out that there was a cache of... adult material,” says Customs and Excise Officer Ronald Dumas, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, “depicting illegal scenes of ahem... fellows of the same gender. Disgusting stuff, quite horrible. I’ve examined it at great length, and... yes... great length. We need to crack down, hunt down the secret homosexuals in this nation, and shoot them dead. That’ll teach them to trouble us with these... hard to look at... images.”
  3. “This is something of a haul, but these aren’t trade goods anymore: they’re evidence!” says Judiciary Director Sabina Licorish. “The goods should be stored as such till the legal processes are complete, then they should be carefully destroyed with a clear accounting trail to ensure ethical practice.”
  4. “So, I make it almost a billion chips in goods here,” ponders your Treasury Minister, staring at an unethically-sourced blood diamond. “How about we sell this stuff, as official plunder? The revenue boost would be great for this year’s budget deficit. Tax cuts are good, right? This is our stuff now, after all.”
  5. “You know, I can’t help but think that a lot of this contraband wouldn’t be illegal in a more liberal country,” observes one of the smugglers, from the chair your men have tied him to. “You ever considered changing your laws to allow some free trade and personal freedom, maybe? Like, if you could personally free me, that’d be great.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens worry more about a split end than their deceased parent.

2022-03-08 15:00

Out With the Old

Since you introduced a mandated age of death for your populace, argument has raged about the most seemly way for the elderly to be dispatched.

  1. “Let’s just do it simply,” states Logan Nolan, who celebrates his twenty-first birthday today. “Upon their last day, the dawn of their sixty-fifth birthday, everyone will walk into a House of Eternal Sleep, take leave of their loved ones and be euthanised with pleasure-inducing chemicals, to the soundtrack of their choice. And seeing as you’ll have the facility built, you should also offer euthanasia to anyone else who wants or needs it.”
  2. “And suppose some selfish individualists don’t turn up?” questions Ida-Carrie Levine, toying with a metallic bracelet on her wrist. “Society must force people to make the right choice. Dose the nation’s drinking water with a toxin, but give all citizens a daily ‘vitamin’ dose that contains a 24-hour antidote. When it’s their ‘perfect day’, you simply cut off their antidote supply.”
  3. “Force is entirely unnecessary,” soothes Alda Huxtable, showing off her tanned legs in a pair of white shorts. “People just need a little death-conditioning. If we teach young children that death is to be embraced, like any other natural process, we truly shall see the dawn of a brave new world. And then no-one shall fear their appointed day: slipping away in a quiet room, with drugs pumping through their veins and the TV blaring as they sip their final drinkie-poos. What spiffing fun!”
  4. “No, you can’t have...” gasps Konstantin Schmidt, your private secretary who turns sixty-five next month. “I thought that was some kind of misprint. Don’t you realise the kind of experience you’re losing when you kill the old people? Not just someone who’s been there and done it, but an ear to listen no matter what mistake you’ve made or which country you’ve invaded. Besides, if you kill me, who’ll care for my grandkid in the evenings? Well, I just wouldn’t like to be there if you have to tell that little boy you’ve killed his grandparent.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, new treatments are rejected if they cannot be explained using only one-syllable words.

2022-03-08 09:00

Quacking Up

A cancer patient has died after taking the advice of Sophie Night, an alternative therapist of dubious qualification. The patient rejected traditional medicine in favor of her ‘secret cure’, which was revealed to be healing crystals, giving up ‘radiation-causing technology’, and living on a diet of raw onions. Questions have been raised about whether restrictions should be put on alternative treatments.

  1. “Poppycock!” scoffs your physician, Doctor Chavez, raising her eyebrow witheringly. “These so-called alternative therapies do nothing but destroy the integrity of real medicine, where trained doctors with real degrees — not this nutcase who bought her diploma from an alleyway in Maxtopia — use empirical evidence that’s collected over decades. Stop this pillaging of science. Ban these literal snake oil salespeople from peddling false hope and telling the desperate and ill anything for a quick buck!”
  2. “Lies and slander!” trills Ms. Night, as she uses a small model of a frowning-face cancer cell as a stress ball. “If this layman is finished, I can explain. All diseases are caused by stress and poor immunity. Even cancer. And all can be cured by removing the stress — those depressing outside influences, that job you never wanted, a nagging family member — and a diet high in immune-boosting antioxidants. Too much stress! That’s all there is to it.”
  3. “The problem is not alternative therapy itself, but rather that it is being promoted as a cure for cancer,” declares acupuncturist Cindy Ives, while pulling needles out of one of your interns’ back. “It is charlatanism on which we must clamp down, including glib peddlers of easy answers such as Ms. Night. The prestigious Medical Association of Brancaland uses acupuncture to relieve the side-effects caused by cancer and its treatments, such as pain and fatigue. We must allow alternative therapists, trained to nationally recognisable standards, to help patients where there is sound evidence that it works.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Primitive.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the local custom of Biking With The Cars sends tourists home bemused or in body-bags.

2022-03-08 03:00

Life in the Bike Lane

Tragedy struck Random Chaos City when a cyclist was killed by a transport truck, making this the thirteenth such incident in the past few weeks. This has propelled activists to peddle the idea of creating additional bike lanes in Random Chaos’s cities.

  1. “What do we want? Bike lanes! When do we want them? Now!” chants cyclist Nosipho Powell, five-time winner of the Tour de Random Chaos competition. “Many of us in the big cities rely on our bikes to go about our daily business. If anything, more cyclists on the streets will mean fewer cars, and that means less congestion. Less congestion means less pollution, and that makes everyone healthier in the long run. It may be more inconvenient for the motorists, but if they don’t like it, they can go honk themselves.”
  2. “Haven’t these road hogs heard of a sidewalk?” wheezes decidedly unhealthy city councilor Walter Wiener, whose son was behind the wheel of the truck. “Bike lanes are like swimming with the sharks - sooner or later you’re going to get bitten. Roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks, not for people on bikes. Bike lanes are dangerous and expensive to maintain. We ought to stop them and paint over existing ones before more people are killed and we end up like Dàguó.”
  3. “I agree with the councilor with the... obvious health issues,” chimes in an auto industry lobbyist while playing with your nephew’s toy cars. “People are sick of these damn cyclists who think they own the roads. It’s their own fault that they end up hurt or killed. What if people had to pass a test before being allowed to ride a bike, like we do with cars? This will mean there are fewer idiot cyclists who think they’re invincible. That, my friend, is what will make our cities safer.”
  4. “What if bikes were the only way people went about their commute?” suggests the leader of the Viva la Pedalution! advocacy group. “Let’s face it, these incidents are going to keep on happening because of these selfish and incompetent motorists. Riding a bike is much healthier and far less dangerous. The government needs to declare Random Chaos a ‘car-free zone’ and completely redesign urban planning to accommodate cyclists. Short-term complications, yes, but long-term gains!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fly fishermen are legally forbidden from using electronic lures.

2022-03-07 21:00

Nothing Fishy

Due to the recent popularity of Beards of Fishermen Magazine, Random Chaosians have decided to buy their own offshore fishing boats in droves. Based on the number of fishing permit applications, the Random Chaosian Fish and Game Department has suggested that dividing a reasonable quota equally between requesting boats would mean each would be allowed to catch no more than seventeen fish each year.

  1. “The problem is capitalism,” opines noted socialist Bahram McBoatface, who also blamed a recent stubbed toe on capitalism. “The state must take over the fishing industry entirely. Then the optimal fleet size and optimal fish catch for each boat can be determined by the state yearly according to the fish populations. It would also mean we’d spend less on quota enforcement because any boat which wasn’t state-owned would be clearly illegal.”
  2. “The problem is government interventionism,” states noted libertarian Felicity Snyder, who also blamed a recent hangnail on the government. “Let’s end this socialism of the sea! The government must sell its ownership of offshore waters to private entities. It will then be the property owners’ responsibility to determine who fishes, how much, and how enforcement is done. Don’t worry about sustainability; it will be in the property owners’ interest to make sure fishing continues in the long term.”
  3. “No, the problem here is these extreme positions,” notes Kvothe Bouvier, author of recent bestseller Fishanomics. “You just need to auction off a limited number of permits for a share of the total fish catch each year. The invisible hand of government-regulated capitalism will assure the optimal number of boats run only by the most efficient crew will do the fishing at the perfect permit price.”
  4. “I have ah simplah solution than all that,” interjects Renee Harishchandra, an eccentric, salt of the sea boat repairer. “The problem is that modern technology has made commercial fishin’ as easy as, well, shootin’ fish in ah barrel. Get rid of the quota system and instead force all fishin’ to be done with old fashioned methods, and sail boats, and folk wisdom. Those hipstah fishahmen won’t catch a thing and enforcement will be much cheapah than it evah was for any quota system.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, religious officials are furious after discovering that things made of stone do not burn well at the stake.

2022-03-07 15:00

It’s a Kind of Magic

A shocking archaeological find in one of Random Chaos’s many caverns has led to the discovery of a huge array of pre-Random Chaosian totems, idols, and assorted knickknacks made entirely of stone, many of which gave researchers ‘the heebie-jeebies’.

  1. “This is a fascinating opportunity for the scientific community as a whole!” spouts Tabitha Erso, breathlessly running through her brick-thick pile of notes and results. “Our initial tests are already showing a stunning reading of anomalous energy in each and every one of those artifacts! If we could be permitted to, erm, acquire them, this mysterious power source could be the backbone for future Random Chaosian technological advances! Think of the societal possibilities!”
  2. Pushing the scientist aside, your mustachioed military adviser Arnold Magellan grips at a manila envelope entitled ‘TOP SECRET’. “That’s all fine and dandy, but what if we used this ‘anomllalus’ energy to power our weapons? These days, everyone’s raring to get bigger and better guns, and we need to make sure ours are bigger and better than everyone else’s! If we get those magic rock thingies, I’m sure my eggheads’ll make something out of it!”
  3. “Hold on a moment!” shouts physicist Gregory Feinmann, frantically tying a leaded apron around his waist. “Something feels off about this whole matter, and it’s not a strictly metaphorical sensation. I’m not saying these totems are radioactive, but you’d have to be bongos-level bonkers not to consider it as a rational explanation. For the sake of everyone, please consider immediately transporting this archaeological cache to my laboratory upon excavation. Although careful precautions may slow down the pace of research, my team is one of only a few in the nation with the proper equipment to actually handle this matter safely.”
  4. Amid the din, museum curator Lucina Berenstein squeezes into your office while clutching her limited-edition copy of ‘Ancient Civilisations for Dummies’. “I think we’re all missing the point here! These are priceless artifacts, hearkening back to the days before Random Chaos was even around! If you don’t have the maturity to leave them where they are, at the very least send them to my museum so other Random Chaosians can actually appreciate what came before them!”
  5. A shallow bowl of apple purée smashes through the window, covering everyone in the room but you. Down on the street, a pious elderly individual paces furiously. “HERESY! WITCHCRAFT! Leader, these totems are an affront to my faith! Why you haven’t already destroyed them for the sake of Random Chaos, I have no idea!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, any body part that can be cut off a person is no longer considered to be their property.

2022-03-07 09:00

The Immortal Cells of Mrs. Gratwick

Two generations ago, scientists took a biopsy of a tumor from a cancer patient named Elizabeth Gratwick, who died soon after. Without her knowledge or consent, these cells were preserved in the laboratory and proved to be exceptionally stable in replication. As stable cancer cell lines are highly useful for medical research, “ElGr cells” have been sent to and used by scientists all over the world. However, objections are now being raised by Elizabeth’s descendants.

  1. “We thought my poor grandmother’s remains had been buried in accordance with her wishes,” growls Elizabeth’s direct descendant, Catherine Gratwick. “Can’t you let her rest in peace? This is her body that you’re messing with. You can’t just irradiate and poison her; you must ask me first! How would you like it if your family’s remains were exhumed and mutilated? You must never use cells from deceased people without the explicit pre-mortem consent of the patient or their relatives. As for granny - I insist that all remaining samples of her be buried, and that you financially compensate her family for the pain and grief you have caused!”
  2. “No! ElGr cells are a scientific miracle!” cries biologist Marleen Banks, jiggling a beaker full of purplish goop as she waves her arms in exasperation. “These cells have been a breakthrough; not only in testing cures for cancer, but also in understanding how cancer develops and functions! All these years later, these cells keep chugging along, outliving all the others! Who knows, with these cells, we might even one day unlock a path to immortality! Are you going to let bureaucracy get in the way of SCIENCE?”
  3. “This stuff is funny!” giggles your niece, squishing her fingers in the goop. “It’s all warm, gluey, and bouncy! Someone should be turning out this stuff for kids to play with, or as sticky putty to stick posters to walls, or whatever. You’ve got, like, an infinite supply of it, so that’s good economics, right?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Advanced Public Education and the Top 10% for Most Authoritarian.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, basket-weaving is the nation's latest fad.

2022-03-07 03:00

X Marks the Cult?

A plot of land, which is simultaneously where the founder of the Order of Violet was allegedly born, where the Tranquility of Yellow claims the Goddess will descend, and where the Cult of Pizza plans to build its temple called The Pizza Church of Pepperoni, has been claimed by all three religions. The three religions’ leaders have cornered you after another ribbon cutting ceremony and have demanded that you settle their conflict.

  1. “The Dead Ocean Scrolls clearly state that us Violetists are the real owners of this land!” declares the Grand Purplemistress of Violetism as she makes threatening gestures towards you and the other leaders. “We deserve to be able to practice our hum, err, animal sacrifices, so why can’t we go along, take the land, and do it there? No one else is as cra- I mean, unique as we are. The only thing we ask are only a few million chips to build our temple, and everything else will be taken care of.”
  2. “Those scrolls are nothing but mistranslated hogwash! All of this area belongs to us!” asserts Her Jaundicedness, the eccentric and indecisive leader of the Tranquility of Yellow. “Those idiotic Violetists and believers in a major religion only care about the majority of people in Random Chaos. What about the minority, the ones that believe invisible dragons fly around, and that everyone should pay for, uh, make a personal sacrifice to the great Advertising Billboard? We would freely allow all of them to come in and listen to our completely objective teachings. Now as for the majority... they’ll just be banned from coming. What, you thought we would KILL them? We’re not that crazy...”
  3. “All must hail His Immaculate Munchiness!” announces Hugh Sajak, a former Luigi Bros pizzeria owner who claims that the franchise’s insane prices literally sent him to a mental hospital. “We are aware that other religions should be allowed to exist in this world, yet these two are claiming the land for inhumane and overall unusual reasons, in the Cult of Pizza’s opinion. The church we will build will have a free pizza buffet for all! The only cost? Well, we aren’t really building a real ‘church’ per se. We are actually building a pizza store with a church inside of it. That’s a small price to pay for His Holy Crustiness!”
  4. “You know, you honestly don’t have to listen to any of these screwballs,” bemoans your politically ambitious cousin, who has been giving you poor leadership advice since you became leader of Random Chaos. “You can use the area to do other things like, I don’t know, weave baskets? Whatever the case is, it would be much better to do this than let any of these insane religions take a perfectly viable plot of land. Oh, I will also own the plot of land, not you. You know, to avoid a conflict of interest or whatever. You do trust me, right?”
  5. “Have you forgotten what I told you about sharing and compromise?” reminds your mother, who returned from a shopping spree at the store you just opened. “Why not force all those religions to share this plot of land? Divide it up into three separate spaces with a communal center in the middle. Some may not like sharing the ground with their mortal enemies and you’ll need extra police presence to curb potential violence, but fair’s fair, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, commuters are denied boarding for attempting to bring packed lunches onto trains.

2022-03-06 21:00

Putrid Predicament

A sudden rise in the popularity of stinky foods has hit Random Chaos. Increasing numbers of commuters are ferrying the offensive foodstuffs on public transport, clogging vehicles in an unpleasant stench and repulsing fellow riders.

  1. “They smell absolutely, utterly vile, Leader!” complains Natalia Steele, a regular commuter. “That bloody overpowering stench of stinky foods like that of durians can persist for several days, rendering enclosed spaces like trains or buses a horrible nightmare for commuters such as myself. You should prohibit all foul foods from being brought onto public transport, and spare our noses from this malodorous, agonizing assault.”
  2. “We haven’t even mentioned the danger that they pose!” adds the obsessive Minister of Public Safety, passing you an informative pamphlet on food safety. “Other putrid foods like mature bries can harbor mold that act as vectors for food-borne diseases, and durians have hazardously sharp spikes that can cause serious injuries. They pose major health risks towards our people that we cannot overlook! In order to prevent a public health disaster, we must banish every single one of these foodstuffs from our nation.”
  3. “This is simply unbelievable!” rages obscure food connoisseur Usman Bulsara, while handing out fermented tofu. “I’ll have you know that these redolent foods are a gift from the gods, and dismissing any of them because of their unique aromas is simply childish. Why should the gastronomic cognoscenti be denied such delectable delicacies due to a few overly sensitive neurotics? In fact, I think it is imperative you promote these foods as national dishes and have them served during state dinners.”
  4. “I believe that the ‘joys’ of stinky foods would be better appreciated on the battlefield,” mutters Calvin Hayes, the army’s Head Researcher, as he cracks open the husk of a durian with a sinister grin on his face. “It is clear that their potent stenches are simply unparalleled in their power. If we were to extract, intensify, and mass produce each of the repulsive chemical compounds in the foodstuffs that cause this, then we would be able to employ them as chemical weapons against our adversaries! Nobody would stand in our way once we let them rip!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's museums are real penny-pinchers.

2022-03-06 15:00

Two Sides of a Coin

Following the abolition of the nation’s smallest denomination coin, the millions of unreleased pennies already minted with the next year’s date were ordered to be melted down. Since then, a few of these pennies have periodically emerged in the collector market, where they command a tremendous price, having apparently been smuggled out of the mint by an unknown employee.

  1. “Unissued coins are government property, and the mere act of possessing them is a crime!” proclaims mint superintendent Nellie Deal, binder in hand. “Those coins should be seized for destruction in compliance with the original order, and the full force of law should be brought against everybody involved in this blatant criminal enterprise.” Opening the binder to show a listing of auction records, she points to a particular sale. “I think I know where to start.”
  2. Museum donor Isaiah Swift-Longboard makes his way to your desk, carrying a long box. “Seize the coins and prosecute the criminals, yes, but destroying the few remaining pennies would make no cents! These coins survived against the odds, and should be placed in museums alongside Random Chaos’s other numismatic artifacts.” He opens the box to reveal a dozen slight variants of a similar coin, encapsulated in plastic slabs and differing only by date. “Aren’t they so interesting?”
  3. “You can’t just take these away!” howls shoe designer and coin collector Farouk Whiteman, clutching a penny in his hand. “A functionary at the local licensing office put an approval stamp on the auctioneer’s filing paperwork, so that means the government approved the sale. I had no idea it was stolen!” Sliding a grainy photocopy of the alleged document across the table, he continues. “See this? If you go back on your word and seize it now, that would be like a second theft!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Corrupt Dictatorship" to "Psychotic Dictatorship".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government-sponsored gallows are being erected by Violetist temples.

2022-03-06 09:30

Violent Violetists Protest Artists

Several musicians have recently produced songs in which “Violet” sings silly and offensive things, causing outcries of horror from the Order of Violet.

  1. “THIS IS BLASPHEMY!” shouts Han Beckham, Grand High Poobah of the Order of Violet. “Our holy scriptures specifically forbid any portrayal of our deity’s most holy voice. We cannot permit people to slander and mock the Goddess Violet, and insult all of us. These people are simply doing this to see if we are extremists. Death to the blasphemers!”
  2. Speaking anonymously and from hiding, one of the musicians says, “It was just meant to be a joke! I never thought that they’d take it so seriously. I just wanted to give them a little ribbing like I do the other major religions of Pastafarianism and Frisbeetarianism.” The musician glances over their shoulder to see if anyone is watching. “Please don’t try to figure out who I am. I’m scared for my safety. The government should protect my freedom to insult whomever I want. Freedom of speech should hold nothing sacred, not even God.”
  3. “Freedom of speech is important, but so is mutual respect for religious beliefs. Surely we can strike some sort of balance?” says Maria Green, chief spokesperson for the RCSOC (the Random Chaos Society of Compromisers). “Freedom of speech comes with a responsibility. People must avoid anything that insults another’s religion, and if they aren’t willing to do it themselves, the government must enforce it.”
  4. “They’ve got it all wrong. Freedom of speech isn’t the problem, religion is!” shouts Shinzo Mullins, at a local AA (Atheists Anonymous) meeting. “If religion were outlawed, this problem would solve itself. Just send them in for medical treatment. After all, anyone who believes in some big invisible dude who can do anything is clearly nuts.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the long arm of the law possesses a rather slow hand.

2022-03-06 03:00

Protect and Swerve

A high-speed police pursuit ended in disaster last night when the suspect suddenly lost control of his vehicle and swerved into incoming traffic, triggering a fatal pileup. The deadly chase has raised questions regarding whether pursuits on the nation’s roadways are worth the danger they present to the public.

  1. “Let’s cut to the chase,” suggests roadway safety official Mary Gray. “Evidence shows that police pursuits present an unacceptable risk to the general public and drive Random Chaosians into their graves! A national no-pursuit policy should be adopted, with reasonable exceptions when authorized by a senior police officer. After all, there’s no point in running down the guilty if the innocent are collateral damage.”
  2. “If cops can’t tail thugs then why even have police cars?” oinks the rotund Random Chaos City Police Chief, channeling her frustration into your desk with a truncheon. “Besides, you’d be letting lawbreaking lowlifes escape! LEOs should instead be extensively trained in PIT, TPAC, and TVI against GTAs, TWOC, and perps DUI, to prevent IRTCs and RTAs. If criminals know escape is impossible, then maybe they won’t run to begin with. Do it ASAP!”
  3. “Nobody can escape a traffic jam!” declares the Interim Director of Infrastructure, Oversight, and Traffic at the Transportation Ministry. “Roadway congestion near vehicle pursuits can be easily created and manipulated by altering traffic lights or closing roads, ensnaring evasive goons in bumper-to-bumper backups, which all but guarantees quick apprehension by police. Motorists might not appreciate being made into unwitting roadblocks, but why care? If you ask me, the only thing more despicable than a bottleneck is a criminal!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all work and no play has rendered the nation's children somewhat intelligent but also remarkably dull.

2022-03-05 21:00

School’s in for Summer?

Your Education Minister recently proposed abolishing the traditional Random Chaosian school schedule, which included seasonal breaks, and replacing it with one in which school days were evenly distributed over an entire year. In response, concerned administrators, parents, and educators have asked for your support.

  1. “Everyone knows how much time parents and educators waste regurgitating the same information every year,” complains obnoxious parent Jessica Navarrete, seen wearing a ‘My Child Is An Honor Roll Student’ button. “Students often forget things when they spend long periods of time without learning. In order for these young minds to flourish, we should keep the same number of weeks of education per annum, but spread them out evenly across the year. That will make my - I mean, Random Chaos’s - children’s successes even more pronounced!”
  2. “That is ridiculous. Can you even imagine all the overhaul that would require?” questions principal Nigel Thompson, after giving two of your squabbling aides a time out. “The budget is strapped enough as it is! A better solution would be to allow each school to determine its own schedule. That’s better for the administrative workings of this public school system, and our finances. Besides, educators need breaks too! Teaching those little hellions is far more stressful than it looks!” The aides begin squabbling again, prompting a stern glare from the principal. “You two! My office! Now!”
  3. “Restructuring alone won’t keep our children ahead of the curve!” opines Tabitha Chew, Comptroller of the Random Chaos City District School Board who had been grading everyone on their posture and speeches. “What we need to do is make education free and mandatory all year round, fifty-two weeks a year and six days a week. Yes, that means massive spending towards the education budget, but you can’t put a price on knowledge. Well, I guess you can depending on how much goes into the budget.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children need to wear helmets and safety harnesses before mounting a carousel horse.

2022-03-05 15:00

Are You Not Entertained?

Last weekend, a roller coaster malfunction at Six Hundred Flags Theme Park resulted in dozens of people left hanging upside down from stationary carriages for almost half an hour and one passenger injured badly from the fall after she released her own safety harness to get down. Outraged by a perceived lack of safety, concerned parents are now pushing to have something done about the dangers posed by amusement park rides.

  1. “MY CHILD COULD HAVE DIED ON THAT THING!” vents overprotective mother, Barbara vanDyke. “And the mess... vomit in his hair was the least of his problems: he’s always had weak bowels, poor thing. These roller coasters are clearly a danger to the public. Not to mention that people actually waste money on those godforsaken things. I say we ban them right away, along with any other rides that could put my baby boy at risk.”
  2. “That’s a little excessive,” concludes your uncle, Ozy, while attempting to child-proof your office. “When properly regulated, amusement park rides pose no danger. So the only reasonable thing to do is to hire a lot more health and safety inspectors. That way tourists can visit our nation’s rides and restaurants without fretting about their own safety.”
  3. “That sounds like a waste of money,” says Mia Kennedy, director of the infamous amusement park, after literally taking candy from a baby. “This was totally an isolated incident that in no way reflects upon my park’s safety or popularity. I can’t believe people are panicking so much over a couple of broken ribs and a snapped neck. Everyone knows that necks naturally repair themselves. Let me reopen my park tomorrow, and I’ll have all the ride malfunctions fixed. Eventually.”
  4. “Woah, so cool!” opines wannabe daredevil Tanner Rhodes, who appears to be improvising a motorcycle out of scrap iron and kerosene. “The only thing cooler than feeling like you’re on the brink of death is actually being on the brink of death. Just scrap all those lame safety rules so we can get some real excitement! Super dangerous, but that’s just part of the thrill, man.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, millions of simultaneously backfiring toilets have flooded Random Chaos City with effluent.

2022-03-05 09:00

Looking Down in the Dumps

A squad of elite police officers have come back up from the Random Chaos City sewers with both a captured crime lord and news of an enormous ‘fat berg’, a huge mass of items put down Random Chaosian drains held together by cooking oils, blocking up substantial parts of the city’s sanitation. Whoever scheduled you to go down there to inspect it is definitely going to be fired.

  1. “This place is disgusting,” moans Minister of Underground Infrastructure Donatello Bacon, covering his nose delicately with a handkerchief. “I’m not just talking about the smell either! This ancient brick-and-stone construction was clearly meant for a city at most half the size of Random Chaos City today! No wonder this fat berg became a problem. We must overhaul this city’s sewers and pipes at once to accommodate the growing population.”
  2. As you march on, you reach the viscerally-revolting object of interest. Between retches and gags, one of your aides offers a proposal: “Bleugh... I hope that thing is... mmmmmff... gone as soon as possible! Why haven’t these workers cleared it yet? We just need to make that monstrosi... guuuh... Make it go away! guuuuurghuuurrrgg... I don’t know! Burn it, explode it, I don’t care! Can we please just go?”
  3. One of the shovelling sanitation workers stops, rolls up his sleeve and plunges a hand elbow-deep into the mass, pulling out a small glittering item. “Oh cool, a diamond ring! Hey, let’s not be too hasty here. There are a lot of potentially valuable things in here like toys, cadavers, recyclable materials and fertiliser all begging to be recovered. The leftover fat we could sell as biofuel. With a little government help sewer-mining could be the next big cottage industry.”
  4. “And why, in all of the living world, are there all of those things down here?” fumes Jyn Gilligan, your staff’s resident moralist. “Clearly this city must be full of idiots. Mandate strict rules about what can and cannot be put down the drain, with regular inspections of household pipes for any signs of offending items like cooking oils, fats, wet wipes, condoms or anything else that isn’t... well, you know.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens, the Top 5% for Highest Unexpected Death Rate, and the Top 10% for Largest Furniture Restoration Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fortified nursing homes are wracked with daily skirmishes.

2022-03-05 03:00

Guerrilla Grandparents

In response to the recent government mandate to execute anyone over the age of 65, an insurgency of highly organized and skilled (albeit slow) senior citizens bombed a national government building. Following the explosion, the leader of the insurgents issued an 8mm reel of demands.

  1. “We won’t stand for this tomfoolery,” barks a shadowy figure who only identifies himself as Logan. “Do you know how many wars we’ve fought for you ungrateful whippersnappers? We built this damn country, and now because we don’t fit into your fancy budget, you’re trying to kill us! Well no more! If you don’t cease this genocidal nonsense AND give us back our pensions, we, Logan’s Runners, will wage all-out war on Random Chaos City!”
  2. “They won’t be ‘standing’ for anything when I’m done with them,” threatens Major General Ayla Goldsmith. “We can’t allow this kind of insubordination. Your country needs a strong leader who’s willing to back up their mandates - with force if necessary. God help anyone who stands in our way. Provide me with the necessary funds and give my men the authority to search anywhere they please, and I’ll smoke out these traitorous geezers like the filthy rats they are!”
  3. “Alright, we were a little excessive with that law,” admits Florin Morgan, your Minister of Finance, “but we can’t just reverse it and go back to the horror days of gold-plated pensions. The budget can’t handle it! We’ll nix the death squads, and the elderly will be allowed to live, but only in our government approved facilities. They’ll be given only what they need to survive, and we’ll avoid a budgetary crisis.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, music teachers are commonly seen busking in order to fund their music programs.

2022-03-04 21:30

A-Major Debate

One of your advisers was caught referring to music education as “non-essential curriculum”. His comment has struck a chord, resulting in a chorus of suggestions for music education reform.

  1. “The notion that music programs are anything less than vital is nothing but treble- I mean trouble!” declares world-famous composer and local middle school orchestra director, Damien Holland. “This dissonant discourse not only puts the jobs of hard-working Random Chaosians at risk, but it also threatens the musical futures of our children! The school curriculum must include an emphasis on musical knowledge that all students will be required to participate in. Sure, strings do come attached — it won’t be cheap to buy musical instruments for every boy and girl in Random Chaos — but Random Chaosian musical tradition is on the line here!”
  2. “Now that’s just nonsense!” barks local high school basketball coach Jadzia Little. “Students learn far more from any sport than they do from playing little magic flutes. Youth are only properly taught discipline, determination, and decision-making skills from the challenges of playing on a team. As far as I’m concerned we should just save ourselves some money and cut music ed from the curriculum. After all, band geeks’ only purpose is to put people on the sidelines to cheer us on.”
  3. “That misses the point entirely,” yells famed Drill Sergeant Hardman, while jogging by with a platoon of soldiers belting out military cadences behind him. “The only reason why schools exist is to make loyal, productive citizens out of Random Chaosian children. In this regard, music education has been taught entirely in the wrong key. The curriculum should be revised with the goal of accentuating patriotic values in mind! Students should be required to learn and sing the nation’s praises, including our national anthem!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, boys who even ask about cheerleading are placed on the Sex Offenders Register.

2022-03-04 15:00

Cheerleading Community Does the Splits

When East Random Chaos City High School denied a male student’s request to join their cheerleading squad, they thought that was the end of it. Since then, the story has been picked up by the national media, with the boy, the cheerleading coach, and a spokesperson from Equality Random Chaos giving interviews about the controversy. Now, a gaggle of highly-opinionated and very-spirited individuals have entered your office, demanding your attention.

  1. “Give me an ‘E’! Give me a ‘Q’! Give me a ‘U’-‘A’-‘L’! Give me an ‘I’, and a ‘T’, and a great big ‘Y’! What’s it spell? EQUALITY!” cries Apu Orbison, doing an impressive backflip routine in his plaid skirt. “Every boy deserves an equal chance to live out their dreams, whether that dream is to cheer a mediocre football team, or be on a mediocre football team! You must force every school to allow any individual to join any team they want, regardless of sex! Why not? Girls are just as strong as boys, and we boys can be darn cute in these skirts!” Cheering your name, he cartwheels out the door.
  2. “Cheerleading is for girls, and only for girls,” asserts middle-aged former cheerleader and parent, Minerva vanStraaten, as she attempts to perform a forward roll, but gets stuck underneath your desk. “Let the boys do wholesome boy sports, like football and boxing, away from our precious daughters! You know what teen boys are like: primitive hormone factories, only after one thing! Besides, with rates of sexual abuse on campuses already so high, you must prevent boys and girls having any contact in sport.” She ceases her attempts to extricate herself from beneath the desk, gasping for air.
  3. “You’re both idiots!” thunders Enrique Conway, his neck muscles straining against the collar of his camouflage shirt. “Cheerleading is stupid. It’s not even a real sport! The funds wasted on girls prancing about could be used on REAL sports, that help REAL men to become strong and powerful! Taught by manly coaches, like me. Abolish this waste of money immediately, and pour the cash into useful, manly sports!” He punts one of your priceless vases into your equally priceless chandelier.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people on the brink of death are put through unwanted and stressful procedures.

2022-03-04 09:00

Death Doesn’t Discriminate

The working population has become more difficult to sustain since many laborers have been selected for the rite of human sacrifice.

  1. “Only the elderly must be sacrificed,” claims Gerald Einstein, keeping vigil at his grandfather’s deathbed. “Our elders have lived full lives and know the path to righteousness. Why not end their lives in a sacred way? They could rest in peace, and we’d no longer have to kill the working folk. It’s an efficient and humane approach.”
  2. “I’m sure the gods wouldn’t appreciate withered, elderly sacrifices,” argues 55-year-old professor Lisa Love. “You should instead encourage parents to give their fatally sick or otherwise unwanted children to our cause. You should also let hospitals perform ritual abortions, while you’re at it.”
  3. “We don’t need to sacrifice any Random Chaosians when we could, ahem, ‘capture’ people from our neighboring countries,” schemes Dr. Leo Cortisol, your underhanded Minister of Underhanded Solutions, who you don’t recall hiring. “No one cares about them anyway. Everyone’s gotta go some time!”
  4. “It is not our place to say when a person must be killed,” says Rudy Shiomi, whose ancestors hail from the pious nation of Savoiia. “If our children or our elders were truly meant to die for a deity, then let the deity kill them, not us! This inhumane and unholy bloodshed must end, and all ritual sacrifice should be outlawed.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Advanced Public Transport.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, families returning from international vacations are unable to get their children back into the country.

2022-03-04 03:00

Lost in Translation

A young foreign exchange student was arrested in her language course a couple days ago when she accidentally said, “My friends and I are game for a shooting; we just need to figure out how to signal,” instead of, “My friends and I want to make a shooter game; we just need to learn how to code.” She was labeled a threat and is now facing deportation.

  1. “She is already failing my class,” says the girl’s instructor. “Why should she stay if she can’t communicate effectively? We ought to give everyone who enters the country a test that proves they can communicate with us! If they can’t get every question correct they should be forced to leave.”
  2. The girl, now able to explain herself with the help of a police-appointed interpreter, says, “I apologize if I frightened anyone, as that was not my intention. I only wanted to share my interest in video games instead of repeating simple sentences about apples and cats. This never would have happened in the first place if your language wasn’t so confusing! Why not simplify it and cut down on the amount of words so that it’s easier for everyone to learn?”
  3. “The real issue we should be talking about is the ham-fisted way this was handled by law-enforcement,” says the officer who was called to apprehend the girl. “I knew she wasn’t a threat, but I had orders! Individual police officers should be given more autonomy to decide how we do our jobs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sweet-toothed Random Chaosians have been left penniless by the VAT on candy.

2022-03-03 21:00

Vexing VAT

A collection of shoppers and business owners have gathered outside your office to protest over the current levels of value-added tax - the sales tax that is applied to products and services at the time of purchase - also known as VAT.

  1. “It’s outright theft, I say!” exclaims business owner Pericles Ponta, while restocking a display with mugs exhibiting your image. “Why should the state leech off my success? I’ve had customers walk out of my store in a huff because the VAT jacked up the prices. The government could easily make money through other kinds of tax instead of harming my business. I say we get rid of this ridiculous VAT altogether and let our economy thrive without limits!”
  2. “Are you mad?” scoffs bureaucrat Virginia Wheeler, twirling her bespoke pen. “Do you have any idea how much the national treasury takes in through VAT? It helps pay for all kinds of things! Education, welfare, defence, and so on. The point is, this form of tax is a very valuable part of our taxation code that, if removed, would leave many public works bereft of funds. I say we increase VAT, and use the funds we raise to reduce the despicable income tax that bleeds the hard-working people of Random Chaos dry.”
  3. “As always, there is a third option,” muses a passer-by with a voice of confidence. “There is no doubt that this tax disproportionately affects the poor, but we also can’t deny that it helps fund programmes that the poor themselves benefit from. Might I suggest reducing VAT on basic necessities while increasing it on luxury items? The rich might not like it, but it’s high time that they paid their dues to society and their fellow citizens.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosians incessantly needle their doctors for relief.

2022-03-03 15:00

You Can’t Handle the Tooth

A few days ago you needed triple root-canal surgery, and despite your codeine-enhanced prescription you’re still in agony. However, your dentist has refused to prescribe anything stronger! You’re now back for your check-up, wondering if it’s time to think about relaxing the regulations around the most powerful painkillers.

  1. Dr. Draco Graves, your personal dental care professional, sits down on a stool next to you, and lowers the back of the chair to the horizontal. “Open, please? Good. I’m sorry Leader, but you know the drill. Easier access to narcotics will only lead to more widespread abuse. In reality, many pain ‘patients’ are just junkies looking for a fix. The primary purpose of medicine is to cure disease, not to enable addiction! Instead, consider adjusting healthcare policy to stress cognitive behavioral therapy, acupuncture, and other non-pharmacological interventions. Spit, please?”
  2. “Ummm**HUUURP**..uh, yuck,” says Dental Nurse Kanya Mulder, who you know is also a spokesperson for Patients Against Interdicting Narcotics, while emptying a recently-soiled emesis dish into the medical waste sluice. “Yeah, that’s precisely the wrong thing to do. Insufficient treatment of pain is very common, especially among women, ethnic minorities, and the poor. The elderly are also at risk, since many wrongly think that pain is just a ‘normal’ part of aging. The most severe cases can even drive people to suicide! Medicine should focus on quality of life, not just curing disease. Do the right thing, and ease restrictions on powerful painkillers now!”
  3. While you’re still supine, a strange pale-skinned man shines the dentist’s lamp directly into your eyes and begins loading a large metal syringe from an unmarked vial. “I have your solution right here, dear leader. Why not add these powerful painkillers to the water supply, under the banner of a new healthcare initiative aimed at relieving stress and improving quality of life? Then you can use mass addiction to control the population! A particular district doesn’t like your new absolutist platform? Just reduce their ‘pain relief’ until they do! Imagine the whole populace desperately begging you for another hit!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, randomly bombing neighboring countries has become the new national sport.

2022-03-03 09:00

Returning Holy Warriors Cause Trouble

In an ongoing bloody civil war in nearby Maxtopia, the majority Violetist community rebelled against a minority-led secular government with a terrible history of human rights abuses. Some Violetists from Random Chaos traveled to Maxtopia to fight on the side of their fellow believers, and are now returning home.

  1. “These Violetists are coming back brainwashed with fundamentalist ideals and trained in terrorist methods,” argues Andy Flanders, your Minister of Internal Security. “They’re a real danger to us all. You’ve got to detain all of these returnees for interrogation, until we can be sure that they’re not planning terrorist atrocities here, however long that may take.”
  2. “This is all a massive overreaction,” opines sociologist and civil rights campaigner Elsa McAlpin. “The Violetists are no threat to us in Random Chaos. All we need to do is provide humanitarian aid for the victims of the civil war, and some help for the returnees to reintegrate into society. I’m sure that none of them would want to cause trouble here.”
  3. “That’s pointless,” insists Plutarch Snyder, one of the more bellicose members of the General Staff. “The real problem is clearly in Maxtopia. We should bomb the Maxtopian government until they agree to be nice to everyone.” Then he pauses, looking confused. “Or maybe we should bomb the rebels until they agree to be less fanatical.” He pulls a map of Maxtopia out of his back pocket and shows it to you. “Look: we’ve got plenty of great targets that we could hit. We could even bomb the Bigtopians to prevent them from entering the conflict. Let’s just bomb all of ‘em, eh?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Lowest Crime Rates.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a new generation of aquariumless hotels are being built under government supervision.

2022-03-03 03:30

“Tourism Tanking!” Trumpet Tabloids

Following a public safety disaster of unimaginable magnitude - so extreme that members of your government only mention it in hushed voices, and then only in the vaguest of terms - the Random Chaosian tourist industry has hit the rocks. Commentators from all walks of life have come to your office to offer their opinions.

  1. “The government has to step in and do something, for once!” demands tour operator Vera Stevens, visibly pulling her hair out. “If we’d had proper railings on the marina, that shark would never have gotten into the oil refinery in the first place! The government has to put better regulations in place to make sure disasters of this kind never happen again. And if we want to coax back the tourists we’ve lost, we need a whole bunch of new state-subsidised hotels, parks and tourist attractions. Shark-proof ones. Our economy will never survive without it!”
  2. “Why waste more money?” grumbles middle-aged industrialist Bongani Burns, chewing on a thick wad of qat. “Look. I’m as sorry as the next schmuck for those poor farmers’ ant epidemic. But we’ve got to realise that tourism is just not Random Chaos’s strong suit; and that’s not going to change, no matter how much the state spends. Hell, if the government really wanted to do something to fix our economy, it’d be to give everyone a healthy tax-cut and get rid of some of that environmental legislation - set up for the benefit of a bunch of tree-hugging foreigners, I might add.”
  3. “I think I’ve got another solution to this problem,” says your shadiest government advisor, waving a magazine spread of bathing beauties sunning themselves at the Random Chaos City Grand Regent. “Now we’re not goin’ to be able to hide the fact that Random Chaos City is now covered in pink frosting, but... what if the inspectors an’ tour guides an’ all those types of folks just didn’t notice all that mess? After all, we don’t have the money to clear it all up, but I think we do have just about enough to dangle a few chips in front of anyone who wants to give our nation a good review. After all, a few firm golden handshakes never hurt no-one.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the latest Harry Potter book is a bestseller.

2022-03-02 21:00

Harry Potter Censorship Row

The latest “Harry Potter” book to hit schools across Random Chaos has stirred up the greatest controversy yet.

  1. “I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding,” says religious leader Grace Ponta. “Now that’s just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it.”
  2. Teachers union President Louis Wheeler says, “Come on, the book is fantasy! And it’s a damn good read. I’d like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from religious wackos, like Christians.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children in school playgrounds can be heard chanting the hymns of the Order of Violet.

2022-03-02 15:00

A Violet Trojan Horse

Rumors tell that the Order of Violet has infiltrated schools in Random Chaos to brainwash the youngest generations. Fears of Violetist takeover have prompted all other faiths to unite for the first time ever.

  1. “Preposterous!” dismisses Kai Andersson, the head of the Random Chaos City District School Board, while hiding an Order of Violet signet ring. “Our schools are performing well, and the children are merely learning to understand different points of view. The only hatred I see is from the hypocrites and paranoid kooks who have no problems forcing their values on our innocent children.”
  2. “Terrorists! Terrorists everywhere!” shouts Oprah Garrison, a controversial and xenophobic politician, who inevitably tries to win every debate by claiming all opposing views equate to supporting terrorism. “Screen all teachers, headmasters, and aides for possible Violetist ties. Force the schools to adopt an unapologetic pro-Random Chaosian curriculum. We all know these Violetists hate everything Random Chaos stands for! Anyone who disagrees is a terrorist-sympathizing, Violetist-loving traitor!”
  3. “That doesn’t go far enough,” claims the leader of The Tranquility of Yellow, an ancient religion that has a just-as-ancient feud with Violetism. “These heretics have been a danger ever since the Grand Schism, and they must be dealt with accordingly. I suggest we start up an inquisition. My people will find these Violetists, and see if they can be converted to our true religion or renounce their faith. Whichever one the government prefers. We’re not picky. If not... the stake. BURN THEM ALL! Or hang them. Just get rid of those creepy Violetists, okay?”
  4. “What are we? Barbarians?” queries popular agnostic speaker Wil Medina, whose personal motto is ‘Question Everything’. “I don’t see anything wrong with teaching Violetism. Not every Violetist is some crazed wacko, you know. However, schools should teach all different faiths, including non-belief, in a neutral and understanding way in the interest of fairness. If we want to eliminate hatred, the schools are a good place to start.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, high school bands practice by moonlight.

2022-03-02 09:00

Just Snoring With Excitement

After having to poke your nephew with a stick to wake him up, you are beset by a chorus of health experts and disgruntled teenagers complaining about the wave of adolescent insomnia gripping the nation.

  1. Drowsy high-schooler Judi True jolts awake after finding a microphone in her face. “Dude, this is, like,” she pauses to yawn. “Terrible. The school day is starting earlier and earlier, and that’s making us lose our precious sleep, man! If you, like, forced schools to start later we could all get our sleep and, like, be more attentive in class.”
  2. “Kids these days will complain about anything!” hollers Noah Clarke, your reluctant Minister for Education. “Let’s require that all Random Chaosian schoolchildren attend state-run boarding schools. They’ll sleep when we tell them to sleep, and not a moment later! Parents might not like it, but think of all the chips they’ll save on snacks.”
  3. “Hi hi!” Your precocious young niece runs around your office. “How about big boys and girls and grownups have nap time? Nap time was so fun, I miss it! Everyone should have nap time!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids laugh off vandalism and arson as "just fun".

2022-03-02 03:00

A Question of Sport

Random Chaos’s football fans were outraged after the nation’s bid to host an important regional competition was rejected. The reason? Random Chaos’s football fields are slightly shorter than the international standard.

  1. Karol Preisner, head of the Football Association of Random Chaos, announced in a press release, “Clearly we’re disappointed by this result. It’s yet more evidence of what we’ve been saying all along - sport in this country is severely underfunded. With more chips from the government, we could start upgrading sporting venues across the country. This would definitely count in our favor when we submit our next bid.”
  2. “You wanna spend my tax money on what?!?” wheezes couch potato Paris Wiggum while flicking through sport channels. “If sporting associations need more money, why not ask for sponsorship from the private sector, like pizza chains and soda bottlers? Why should my money be used to help a bunch of good-for-nothing kids chase a bit of leather around?”
  3. “There’s nothing wrong with our stadiums!” shouts sports fan Wolfgang Dredd, waving a crowd rattle and blowing a vuvuzela. “They’re just the right size for the sports I grew up playing! Why should we change the rules of our national sport just to please a bunch of foreigners? I say we support our team! And play by our own traditional rules! We should get rid of those silly foreign sports and their ‘rules’!”
  4. “They rejected us because of a few feet of grass? That’s crazy!” writes journalist Clovis Lewis. “Sport isn’t about rules, it’s about having fun and getting fit! When we were kids, we could have a great time with just a stick and a couple of rocks - there were no rulebooks or standardized playing fields. We should encourage kids to get out there and have fun; who cares about a few silly rules?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, major archaeological findings are frequently bulldozed to make way for new buildings.

2022-03-01 21:00

An Archaeological Altercation

During the construction of a new Hyper-Mega-Ultra-Super Mall, construction workers have unearthed what appears to be an ancient temple. A furious debate has arisen between those who wish to preserve it, and those who need their retail therapy.

  1. “This is the perfect opportunity to learn more of our nation’s history!” says Professor Uriah Tolkien, head of the archaeological department of the Random Chaos History Museum. “All building work must be halted immediately so that my team can study this remarkable piece of our nation’s past. To bury these ruins under some concrete eyesore would be criminal!”
  2. “It’s all very nice to get to know some more about our past,” argues foreman Caesar Chicago. “But that’s just the thing! It’s the past! We must think of the future. If you allow those decrepit fossils to take over this place, you put at risk the future of our economy! Today it’s archaeological digs, tomorrow it’s ‘preservation of the environment’. Just let me bulldoze the worthless pile of rubble and bury it under a few hundred tonnes of concrete.”
  3. “Behold, the hour has arrived! The Holy Temple of Firefury Amahira has been unearthed!” proclaims Yon-Zhauryg v’Klot, leader of the Cult of the Undead Gambler. “This land is sacred, and must not be befouled by these corporations! No-one but the enlightened children of Firefury must be allowed to venture inside our rediscovered sanctuary, where we will perform the required rituals to please the Great Goddess and prevent Her from unleashing Her wrath upon the world.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, new homeowners go furniture hunting with crowbars.

2022-03-01 15:00

Trouble in Deed

During a photo op in a fairly upscale neighborhood of Random Chaos City, you notice a surprising number of abandoned houses dotting nearly every street. According to the painfully grinning woman whose baby you’re kissing, the properties are still owned by Random Chaosian expats who emigrated to various other countries, often decades ago.

  1. “Are these decrepit buildings a blight on the place? You betcha!” remarks the ever-smiling woman, who happens to be a City Councilor, wrestling your Minister of Public Relations over the baby. “It’s not just here, either. My colleagues tell me that cities across Random Chaos are dealing with this plague, and it’s getting in the way of the plans for our new megamall, dontcha know. Local governments need broad authority to step in and seize buildings that aren’t being used, so that they can be auctioned or demolished. Now can I have my baby back? I’ve got a hotdish in the oven.”
  2. “You can’t do that!” screeches your rarely seen Minister of Sanity, crawling out of the woodwork of a nearby house. “Imagine what would happen if we let some mayor seize property just because it isn’t being used, especially if that property is owned by expats who might have dual citizenship! Do you want an international incident on our hands? The government needs to do things by the book, and not stir up any trouble. Instead, let’s try to contact every person that owns unused property here, and ask if they’d be willing to sell.”
  3. “What happens in Random Chaos stays in Random Chaos!” declares vagrant Indira Jefferson, loading a bulging stack of boxes into a shopping cart. “As far as anyone’s concerned, the people owning these properties have ceased to exist. Us local folk could really use them houses for living, social gatherings, and steali- er, borrowing anything not nailed down. If the owners come back, you can just give the land back to them. What’ve you got to lose?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the regional delicacy of chocolate bombes is deadlier than an unexploded bomb.

2022-03-01 09:00

Death by Chocolate

Random Chaos City’s latest scandal du jour is a tragic incident in which a 2nd grader with a peanut allergy died after a classmate shared a box of chocolate candies with peanut and caramel fillings. Now some parents are saying that Random Chaosian schools need to do more to protect students with food allergies.

  1. “How could the school allow this?” wails Sandra Douglas, the mother of the girl who died. “It’s totally irresponsible! Students shouldn’t be allowed to bring food from home and cafeterias should only serve food that no one is allergic to.”
  2. “Life is like a box of chocolates,” says renowned sprinter Forrest Gumbo, apparently oblivious to how tone-deaf he sounds. “You never know what you’re gonna get. If you ban peanuts, you’ll get a student who’s allergic to shellfish. If you ban shellfish, you’ll get a student who’s allergic to wheat. You can’t ban it all. If your kid has a food allergy, it’s up to you to make sure they know what’s safe to eat and what’s not.”
  3. “Screw you! You think I don’t talk to my kids?” snaps Ingram Douglas, the father of the deceased student. “I’m not the one who gave Barbara that goddamn candy! If you want parents to be able to protect our children, then give us some control! There’s no reason for kids to be eating at school no matter where the food came from. Instead, you should invest in some decent transportation so you can send kids home for meals and let them eat with their family.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Lowest Crime Rates.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the mob and the police have recently had numerous clashes in the back alleys of Random Chaos's cities due to the government's steadfast anti-casino stance.

2022-03-01 03:00

Gambling Interests Offer High Stakes

In light of Random Chaos’s ban on gambling, people ranging from angry homemakers to allegedly legitimate businesspeople have been arguing incessantly about whether or not banning casinos was a good idea.

  1. “We are highly distressed at your decision to revoke our casino licences,” says FamilyCorp. Representative ‘Fat Tony’, sipping a glass of fine wine. “If the ban were to be revoked, think of all the money you could get from your cut of the profit. In addition, it would help ensure the safety of assorted members of Random Chaos’s government. I think this is an offer that you should not refuse.”
  2. “These casinos cannot be allowed to reopen!” says Alfons Grossman, an ex-gambling addict. “Remember what happened last time? People get out of control and lose their life’s savings! Just say no to these so-called legitimate businesses! And crack down on the rest of organized crime while you’re at it.”
  3. “There is a solution to this problem,” says Native Random Chaosian chief Dances With Gamblers. “You could let us front the casinos as payback for stealing our land, and we’ll enforce age limits and pay some tax on the income these casinos generate. Just think of the jobs it could create for us, and the boost to the economy!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Corrupt Dictatorship".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's no such thing as a safe bet.

2022-02-28 21:00

Who Wants to Know a Millionaire?

A climbing jackpot in the lucrative Random Chaosian national lottery has led to weeks of media frenzy, and at last, a ticket sold at a corner drugstore in Random Chaos City has been drawn. However, the winner has refused to come forward to claim their prize. A letter sent without return address purports to be from the winner, who demands to remain anonymous.

  1. “This is a matter of privacy and safety,” argues Charlemagne Chew, a spokesperson for the pro-anonymity group Citizens Railing Against Peeping. “Releasing the names of these winners puts them in considerable risk. Last month’s winner was harassed by former partners, stalked by tireless panhandlers, and nearly robbed by half a dozen chuggers! Lottery winners need to be left alone so they can go back to their normal jobs — or not, as the case may be.”
  2. “We must continue to publicize these lucky winners,” interjects your head of gaming, Hermione Jammeh, while slipping on a pair of black leather gloves. “Our lotteries help fund important Random Chaosian programs like education, parks, and hacki- I mean technical literacy, so the people need to know the winners’ identities to ensure it’s not just government insiders who win. Plus,” she continues while putting on a clown mask, “we’re still a nation of laws. I’ll concede that a few weirdos will stalk the winners, but the overwhelming majority of our citizens are courteous enough to leave them alone. Now where did I leave my lockpicking set?”
  3. “Gambling is the Devil’s vice!” proclaims puritan zealot Marlon Powers. “Lotteries are a legal avenue for the state to rob the destitute and mathematically illiterate! I’ve spent millions of chips on tickets and haven’t won a fraction of it back! You need to not just protect the winner, but all of Random Chaos — outlaw all forms of gambling immediately!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, survivors receive aid from only the most environmentally-friendly transport.

2022-02-28 15:00

Relief Is Coming... In Four to Six Weeks

A hurricane recently devastated island chains under the aegis of Random Chaos, causing billions of chips in damage and displacing millions of citizens. The national emergency services are doing their best to meet the needs of the crisis, but with the recent airplane ban, relief is taking much longer to come to those affected.

  1. “My house is gone, my neighborhood flooded, where’s my government?” shouts disgruntled evacuee Daisy Merkel over the phone. “These islands are a thousand miles off the coast. We’ll be waiting weeks for what limited resources our emergency services can provide with the few ships they have. I’ll be lucky if I get a bottle of water. It’s clear to me that the government didn’t give a second thought to all the ramifications of banning airplanes, and now we, the citizens, are paying for it! If you have any compassion for the well-being of your people, you’ll legalize air travel again and send help toot sweet!”
  2. “Take a deep breath, Leader,” advises your Minister of the Environment Inigo Stone, “You smell that? That’s clean air. And when was the last time you read about a terrorist taking over an airliner? Oh that’s right; there hasn’t been one since the ban. If anything, we should have stricter environmental standards on cars and ships. Listen, it’s unfortunate that these people are having their relief delayed, but maybe that’ll motivate them to adequately prepare next time. They decided to live in a hurricane zone after all.”
  3. “Obviously, we goofed,” says your Minister of Transportation Miley Butt, “These sorts of humanitarian mess-ups shouldn’t happen. But we shouldn’t be willing to sacrifice all the benefits of the ban either. We should legalize air travel for government use only. That way necessary services won’t be delayed, but we won’t wreck our environment or endanger our nation. As an added bonus, you’ll be able to go to international conferences without having to drive across the border to use Maxtopia’s airports first.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, homeless people are frequently charged with trespassing on public property.

2022-02-28 09:00

The Trouble With Hobos

After several complaints of the tripping hazards presented by sleeping bags on the doorsteps of public buildings, the citizens of Random Chaos have brought the problem of homelessness to your attention.

  1. “To be honest, I’d just like a place to stay,” says a scruffy man who’s been living under your desk. “Somewhere I don’t have some landlord breathing down my neck all the time. If the government could see fit to build some kind of free hostel where people could go if they’ve fallen on hard times, well, that’d be just great.”
  2. “You can’t possibly think that’s a good permanent solution!” cries Graham Obama, coordinator of the local soup kitchen. “What these people need is help to get their lives back on track. Yes, they have the right to a place to live, but they also need an honest job to pay for it. They need to be encouraged to work to become integrated into society again! Require the nation’s industries to create some basic jobs for these poor souls, and soon they will become pillars of the community!”
  3. “And who do you suppose pays for all this?” snaps Lucina Vajiralongkorn, one of your advisors. “Your loyal taxpayers, that’s who! People who actually work for the things they have! And let’s face it: these vagrants bring it on themselves - frittering their money away on rubbish and rollicking in unemployment while the rest of the world slaves away to make ends meet. They’re worthless scum and they gave up their ‘rights’ a long time ago. I say we leave them to their misery until they become a nuisance, then have them dealt with like any other criminal.”
  4. “As far as I can see, homeless people are already a nuisance,” says Salvatore Coleman, a proud citizen. “They’re mostly thieves and drug addicts, they make the streets a dangerous place for our children, they make honest people feel guilty for turfing them off their doorsteps and, frankly, they smell bad. They’re vermin, plain and simple, and as such, I suggest they be destroyed before the infestation gets even more out of hand.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bar brawls are an hourly occurrence.

2022-02-28 03:00

Service With a Snarl

The most recent edition of the prestigious Virtual Planet guidebook has praised Random Chaos for its many treasures, but also noted how rude wait staff, hoteliers, and tour guides tend to be. Perhaps unwisely, you choose to hold a meeting on the topic in a popular restaurant.

  1. “So what if those @#$%!& in some snooty guidebook don’t think we’re nice?” complains your waiter, oblivious to the fact that he stepped on your toes. “I should be able to say and act however the @&*% I want, all the time. That’s freedom of speech, Violet damn it! Being a waiter or ‘public relations’ person doesn’t change that one bit. And if some jerkwad tourists don’t like it, well then they can go right back to where they came from!”
  2. “Hate to be like this, but that guidebook has a point,” reluctantly replies the restaurant’s owner after telling off the waiter. “I’ve seen people stand up and leave after being insulted or shouted at by my staff one too many times. It doesn’t matter how many times I replace them - the problem remains. The government should mandate and pay for proper etiquette training for all employees in the service industry, and allow us to fire those who don’t comply. That way the customers are happy and our places of business don’t get bad reviews.”
  3. “And kill off our nightlife tourism quicker than you can say @#%!” retaliates Sancho Krustofsky, a local connoisseur of exotic drinks. “It’s not our bad attitude that’s the problem, it’s the tourists! If we marketed ourselves as a wild resort country where all the rules of politeness don’t apply, then we could get ourselves a clientele that won’t complain. You gotta loosen up those alcohol laws, I have a mate in West Calypso who’s got some crazy mixtures for us to try.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is rumored to hire body doubles whose full-time jobs are to cry at public events.

2022-02-27 21:00

Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide

The nation is in mourning after beloved cultural icon Johnny Brazeau was found dead of apparent suicide in his Tasmanian beachhouse. New details have emerged that his eccentric and happy-go-lucky public persona was masking chronic depression, thrusting mental illness into the public spotlight.

  1. “Clearly, Mr. Brazeau was suffering from severe depression,” says world-renowned psychiatrist Dr. Luka Lane. “This is symptomatic of a deep-seated epidemic of unreported mental illness across The Hatrackia. Mental health services have been underfunded for decades, and it is about time that the government stepped in to provide proper mental healthcare for the nation. We desperately need evidence-based CBT, more psychiatrists, and proper education to finally rid ourselves of this stigma surrounding mental health. You can’t put a price on the nation’s wellbeing.”
  2. “Johnny Brazeau’s death is a tragedy, but we all know his songs contained subliminal pro-suicide messages,” says moral crusader Sabrina Ruiz, who is well known for egging blasphemers and burning effigies of politicians. “People across Random Chaos now know that an idolized national treasure selfishly took his own life. What kind of message does that send, especially to kids? This shameless act is only going to convince them that suicide is cool. Suicide must be made illegal, and only the ultimate punishment will deter people from this sin. We need to teach our children that life, regardless of how much you’re suffering, is always the answer.”
  3. “Haha, the freak finally did himself in. That’s very droll,” laughs insensitive city worker Amelia Ambrose, who was recently laid off for making countless inappropriate jokes on the job. “Yes, of course people are down in this nation, but if you want to cheer us up, give the people a tax cut. Stop wasting money on welfare and all this mental health rubbish. Give us our money back, and we’ll make ourselves happy.”
  4. “It’s a tragedy of course, but also an opportunity,” suggests professional spin doctor Eliot Galavan, handing you a bottle of fake tears. “If we play our cards right, we can create a distraction from hard-to-sell government policies. Make a speech with a single tear rolling down your cheek and visit the widow to bring a wreath and a spontaneous hug. We can make bad news work to improve your public image.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, to 'cut off family ties' is no longer just a phrase.

2022-02-27 15:00

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

When you walk into your office, you see Bart, your personal secretary, in a passionate — and completely illegal — clinch with Sirrus, your other brother.

  1. “Yes, Bart and I are in love,” sighs Sirrus, as your personal secretary straightens his tie and smooths his hair. “We’ve been meeting in secret for three years now. It’s been difficult, and I’ve hated hiding it from you. I so wanted to tell my favourite sibling that I met a wonderful human being: intelligent, articulate, caring... but because of the law, I didn’t dare. Isn’t it time to change that law? Do you know how it feels, to be unable to walk down the street with your sweetheart or even buy a Violetine’s Day card without being harassed? Wouldn’t it be just fabulous if we could have the same rights as heterosexual couples?”
  2. “Of course they kept it a secret,” barks your traditionalist Minister of the Interior, as he slams his riding crop repeatedly against his own thigh with unusual pink-cheeked glee. “Because they’re nothing but a pair of sodomites. ‘Love’? Pah! They are no more capable of such wholesome emotion than a pair of orang-utans. And what do we do when we want an animal to cease rutting? We neuter them. All sexual inverts, regardless of gender or social position, must be taken to a medical centre and doctored, so they are incapable of feeling lascivious lusts.” With a long sigh, he finally brings the crop to rest.
  3. “That seems awfully... draconian,” muses Jamling Poe, your Minister of Public Schools, whose fifteen year relationship is childless. “I was just saying to my partner Alex — she’s busy at the forge today: who doesn’t go through a phase in their younger years? It’s expected for a young man or woman to have a very close chum, with whom they tousle, and cuddle and even snog a bit. So I hear. Sirrus will grow out of it. There’s no call for any, shall we say, unpleasantness. Just encourage matchmaking services specifically for those with close same-sex friends seeking simpatico partners, and award a monetary gift to those who find an opposite-sex mate. He’ll soon find a nice gal, and forget all about Arthur... erm, Bart.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hand-to-hand combat experience is udderly essential for all dairy ranchers.

2022-02-27 09:00

To Catch a Beef

A rancher on the southeastern border of Random Chaos was killed during a cattle raid on his farm. The death marks a peak in a growing trend of cattle rustling around border communities.

  1. “This is a travesty!” yelps Ruby Dunn, the cousin of the deceased. “Johnny lived to farm. He’d sooner jump from a bridge than hurt a fly. I tell you, these acts — these unspeakable attacks — are being committed by those damn South Nobovindians. They’re envious of our cattle. They slip across in the dead of night, steal any livestock they can and kill anyone who dares get in their way. Give us combat training, some guns, and the right to use them freely: these rustlers must be stopped at all costs!”
  2. “We don’t even know if it was the Nobovindians,” cautions City Commissioner Alina Lincoln, while casually sipping on her coffee, “and it would be completely improper for us to go off half-cocked on hearsay and emotional testimony. There’s a proper investigation to have, and leveled and reasoned response to hold. Let’s not go rattling the saber over roast beef.”
  3. “They’re bastards, that’s for sure,” states a man covered in dried grass and gambler droppings. “We don’t need to catch them. We don’t need to deter them. We need to explode them. Tag a dozen cows, rig them with dynamite, let ‘em be stolen and see where the explosions come from. That’ll tell you where these thieves are. That’ll tell you where to bomb. Trust me, there’s no such thing as disproportionate retribution.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, frequent broken zippers have resulted in safety pins making a fashion comeback.

2022-02-27 03:00

Made to Break

After a hectic work week, you were finally due some time off for a nice Sunday brunch with your family. But as you were waiting for your TurboLux 3000 Toaster to toast your bread, it started frantically buzzing and rattling, finally popping out two slices of bread burnt like charcoal. Worse still, your mother purchased the kitchen appliance for you only 366 days ago, and its warranty expired yesterday.

  1. “Oh, sweetie, I know it is exasperating when an electrical appliance gives up the ghost too soon!” your mum laments, while she pours you tea. “Yesterday our coffee machine broke, too. You know, when I was a young and dazzling girl, everything was made to last for a lifetime. You remember my sewing machine? It was a gift from my sister, and it still works like I bought it yesterday! You should make it so that all products have to have a lifetime warranty, darling. I’m sure manufacturers would do their best to produce durable stuff, then.”
  2. “No! Terrible idea!” sputters your uncle, one of the company directors of TurboLux Household Appliances, spewing out his tea onto his croissant. “If you extend the warranties, people will just break their stuff on purpose to get cutting-edge new devices. I think we would fare far better if you abolished warranty requirements altogether. Why should my company give people free replacements just because they were too lazy or too stupid to read the user manual and ended up breaking their stuff? Present company excepted, of course.”
  3. “The problem is capitalism. Now take a look at this beauty!” exclaims Carlo Max, who claims to be a distant cousin of yours, as he struggles to lift a massive metal box onto the dining table. “My East-Lebatuck-made toaster has been working for three decades now! Obsolescence, be it planned or fashion-based, is a symptom of a throw-away society wriggling in the merciless grip of consumerism. How about you hand over the production of all goods to the State? Without the need for greed, the State will make everything to last.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pregnancy tests are under fire from the government for being marketed only to women.

2022-02-26 21:00

The Scent of Sexism

Personal products giant Duolever has come under fire for how it markets its Pickaxe line of deodorants, body washes, and shampoos for men. The TV and poster ads feature scantily clad female glamour models swooning over a man, seemingly rendered helpless by the Pickaxe scent.

  1. “This simply cannot stand!” objects Natalia Skywalker, leader of the feminist activist group Women Hating Injustices, No Exceptions. “This blatant objectification makes women look like helpless prizes to be won, rather than thinking individuals. We should make this abhorrent corporation withdraw these adverts, and make it illegal to depict women in sexist or objectified ways in product advertising. That’ll teach ‘em!” She crosses her arms and glares at you, judgmentally.
  2. “Bah, this old bat doesn’t know what she’s saying,” says Finnick Blair, Duolever’s marketing director. “We sell personal care products for men, so we market to men. It’s only natural we sell them their desires. These feminists confuse sexiness with sexism, and basically just resent seeing women who look better than them. Nobody forced these glamour models to pose for us! You should let companies market to people however they want. A freer market is a better market, I always say.”
  3. “This crackpot buffoon is the problem!” says male rights activist Uther Haggard. “It isn’t women that are being objectified here, it’s men! They treat us like our only goal is sex, and that’s all we care about. The only way to remedy this is by ridding this nation of the negative depictions of men society has become so familiar with, and paying more attention to the struggles men face!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, derelict airplanes have been converted into novelty restaurants and hotels.

2022-02-26 15:00

Mayday! Mayday!

Three weeks ago Oceanic Airlines Flight 209 disappeared from radar, and now a crash has been confirmed, with debris scattered across the sea, and the missing two hundred passengers and crew officially declared dead and lost. This tragedy was only the most recent airplane catastrophe departing from Random Chaos, and anxious flyers are demanding immediate safety improvements.

  1. “Clearly these disasters mean we are long overdue for new aircraft,” states Oceanic Airlines CEO Dawang Vader while playing with a model jet. “These crashes are caused by outdated, crumbling, and ugly aircraft like the Moeing 606 and the Airtrolley T300. In fact, the average age of any given plane is thirty years! We live in a technological and automated world. It’s time our planes joined the modern world, too! We can build a next generation fleet if the government gave us some funding. Then our skies and safety reputation will be second to none!”
  2. “Our aircraft aren’t the problem, it’s who’s flying the plane!” replies pilot Hudson Sullenburger, running a flight simulator for students. “Did you know that pilot error is the number one cause of accidents? They’ve become lazy, sleep-deprived, and constantly tardy! We need more stringent measures on the training of pilots. We can introduce more intense and hands-on testing and ban anyone without a license from flying. Flying a plane is much more complex than video games make them look.” The trainer now looks at the class and picks on a student. “Now Joey, you ever been in a cockpit before? Or have you seen gladiator movies?”
  3. “I see these crashes all the time,” sighs Jenna Cole, a lead investigator of aviation crashes. “The reason they disappear from radar is because they break-up mid-flight. Maintenance is the obvious problem. We need to require airlines and airports to perform constant maintenance checks on all aircraft and ground any plane with the slightest defect. Yes, that might be costly, but not maintaining planes is even costlier.”
  4. “Do you know how much time and money I waste dealing with all these regulations?” rhetorically asks Neil Kardashian, CEO of Budget Air, an airline so cheap that passengers have to pay extra to have a seat. “We’re talking about metal boxes flying at 20,000 feet in the sky. Of course things are bound to go wrong once in a while! To make things worse my staff are constantly harassed by these government goons. No wonder my pilots are stressed out! The government needs to get off our backs and let us handle things ourselves!”
  5. “I know a perfect solution!” joyously suggests train enthusiast Sun Reid. “The solution is to ban all airplanes! Not only are they clearly unsafe; they’re loud, ugly, and are a big contributor to greenhouse gases! Surely we can rely on safer transportation, like trains or boats, for travel. They’re much less susceptible to delays, crashes, and only a fraction of a pollutant compared to planes! All we need is more funding for public transit. You call them slow. I call them scenic.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians debate whether caffeine is too addictive for the public.

2022-02-26 09:00

Drug Legality Run Amok

After a nine-year-old child died of a heroin overdose yesterday, much of the public is in an uproar over the absence of drug laws in Random Chaos.

  1. “It seems simple to me,” states Peter Shaft, a left-wing television host on CSPAM network, as if it were all too obvious, “Random Chaos needs to regulate the drug trade immediately. Instead of letting the underprivileged waste their life selling crack cocaine on the street corner, the government should be setting up drug stores that tax each drug, as well as handing out pamphlets on their dangers. Think of the money that could further fund our nation’s health and education programs!”
  2. “The government shouldn’t be making money from people’s addictions,” says Johann Barrow, a conservative congressman known for his public spouts of drunken stupor. “While we all like to get a little toasty from time to time, I believe this is a moral issue. We need to protect our children from becoming addicts! Make drug use legal only for consenting adults so our children can at least have a few years off the grass.”
  3. “I think we got it wrong in the first place!” shouts Cindy Gorbachev angrily from a soapbox in front of a large crowd of protesters. “Instead of turning our great nation into a narco empire, we should be criminalizing drugs once again! Do we want our children wasting their lives away on crippling drug addictions? No! Ban all drugs immediately!”
  4. “Also alcohol!” screams protesting teetotaler Hosea Mozart. “Hey, don’t forget smoking,” mutters Megan Takei from behind an oxygen mask, “They’re as debilitating as the “harder” drugs, if not more so. We’ll just have to work harder to shut down bootleggers and butt-leggers.”
  5. “Drugs by one name, sacred plants by another,” intones His High Holiness of a major religion, daubing holy oil on your forehead. “The Church has historically used extracts of consecrated substances to open the vistas of piety and bring oneself closer to the Supreme Being. With modern pharmaceutical techniques, we can easily manufacture enough to infuse the water supply of all of Random Chaos, just like we do with fluoride. Is spiritual transcendence a less worthy cause than cavity prevention? I think not.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Retail Industry and the Top 5% for Highest Poor Incomes and Largest Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, enemy navies sail within bombardment range of major coastal cities with impunity.

2022-02-26 03:00

The Hunt for Violet November

Blackacre, a nation historically opposed to Random Chaos, has declared that their submarine Violet November has gone missing, and are keen to scour the area where it was last spotted — just off the edge of the Random Chaosian continental shelf.

  1. “Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice, Leader,” says Tyrone Lancaster, a diminutive Blackacrean ambassador. “Our submarine was just a training vessel that got erm... blown off course... or something. But the main issue here is saving the thirty crew members that are on board before their oxygen runs out! Any kind of help will be greatly appreciated: freedom of movement for our search boats, logistical aid, rescue teams, engineers... This is such a great opportunity for our two nations to start on a path towards greater friendship.”
  2. “A training vessel? Yeah! Right!” exclaims Rear Admiral Lannister as the ambassador leaves your office. “I bet all my navy ribbons that we’re talking about a spy sub or a nuke platform! Those Blackacreans are always stirring up trouble and encroaching into our territorial waters. You should have our own submarines, frigates and destroyers search out and destroy unauthorised military vessels, including this sub, once we find it! That will give them something to think about before trespassing here again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only the brainiest citizens become academics.

2022-02-25 21:00

To Paint or Not to Paint?

An elite group of highly-qualified, well-respected scientists, lawyers, and doctors are campaigning to outlaw the study of the Arts and Humanities in the Universities of Random Chaos.

  1. “Why should Arts students get to lounge around reading books and watching daytime TV for hours on end, when some of our hard-working youngsters are dedicating themselves to the study of worthwhile and valuable subjects; studies which will benefit the nation as a whole?” asks Bahram McCloud, a student engineer. “We should be grooming our young people to help, not sponge off the system. The Arts should be considered a hobby, not a career.”
  2. “You can’t mean that,” gasps Prof. Catherine Gratwick, renowned worldwide for her paintings of trains. “Learning should be done out of love, not duty. The study of the Arts has been a noble field for many centuries, and learning it is not as easy as you think. I’d rather die than live in a world where creativity is stifled. We should be encouraging young artists, writers, musicians - if only to strengthen Random Chaos’s cultural reputation.”
  3. “What’s the point in allowing most young people to continue in further education anyway?” enquires Felicity Sosa, a factory manager. “Surely most students would be better employed in manual and factory work? You should handpick a select few to study medicine, the law, science, and business of course, and utilise the majority of youth to increase the country’s productivity in industry. Academic freedom just gets in the way of a functioning society, I’ve always said.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former slave-owners hope there are no hard feelings when they apply for jobs from their erstwhile charges.

2022-02-25 15:00

Henceforward Shall Be Free

As Random Chaos has finally liberated all its slaves, nobody really knows what to do with them.

  1. “They should be free to live without violence and to work faithfully for reasonable wages, and of course, be good citizens of our nation,” says your top adviser, Louis Lyncoln, while stroking his beard. “We should grant them full citizenship and treat them like any other person; otherwise, they will still remain as slaves in their minds.”
  2. “These poor people were stolen from their homeland and taken to our land,” states your Minister of the Interior, Heidi Monrow. “They don’t belong in our society, and can only reintegrate successfully back among their own kind. We should be universally repatriating them back to the lands of their forefathers, where they can begin life anew.”
  3. “All right, we’ve liberated slaves, but that doesn’t make them equal!” remarks Marius Voster. “Let them be free all they want, but they’ll need to know they’re different from us. They’ll have to use separate beaches, buses, toilets, everything. Just make sure that we get the good stuff.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, employers are gradually adapting to the alien premise of paying wages to their workers.

2022-02-25 09:00

Freedom Comes at a Price

A recent boom in Random Chaos’s slave trade has uncovered the work of slave liberation group, Friends of Spartacus, who are purchasing slaves by the hundred in order to set them free. As a result of this huge increase in demand, slavers have had to resort to raiding the poorer regions of Random Chaos for more ‘stock’.

  1. “This has gone too far!” yells Patrick Griswold, a supermarket cashier and father of seven. “Slave liberation indeed! Thanks to the efforts of the so-called ‘Friends’ of Spartacus, decent, hardworking people are being dragged kicking and screaming from their homes to be used to work against their will! The government has to do something about these ignorant activists before they cause any more harm!”
  2. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” cries Friends of Spartacus founder, Beth Rolfe. “I think we all know the real issue here is that the despicable trade of human beings is actually legal in this country! It’s unethical, barbaric, and just plain wrong. Are we not above this kind of thing? I propose we abolish the slave trade altogether!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, diaper sales are up.

2022-02-25 03:00

A Day to Remember

Last week, your aides scheduled a meeting between you and a renowned former stateswoman of Random Chaos. Unfortunately, due to her long-standing battle with Alzheimer’s disease, the meeting left something to be desired, bringing the once-forgotten issue of dementia treatment in Random Chaos back into the spotlight.

  1. Marjorie Weber, the stateswoman with whom you met, expresses her concerns to a nearby aide, whom she appears to have mistaken as being in charge. “Once upon a time, I would have been running this Free Land, but now I’m... I’m... What was I saying? Oh yes… Some folk like me might need day centres, and help round the house. I’m fine, but what I wouldn’t mind is more attractive nurses like that cutie over there.” She winks in your direction.
  2. As she leaves, the aide she was talking to rolls her eyes. “Surely it can’t fall to Random Chaos to give people like Weber handouts. If these old farts haven’t planned for inevitable cognitive decline, that’s their fault. Cut all aged care funding, and if people can’t manage — well then, I guess it’s just too bad.”
  3. “Hang on, hang on. Whatever happened to having a caring family?” interjects your aunt, who is herself advancing in years. “When I was young, we used to care for our parents through thick and thin! This country needs more reinforcement of the traditional family values, which means the young loving and caring for their elders. We should make the elderly legal dependants on their children, to make them pay their parents back for raising them.”
  4. “Y’know, there’s another solution to this problem,” whispers your ever-present Minister for Creative Solutions, sharpening a straight razor on a whetstone. “These people aren’t contributing to our economy, so why don’t we make a few government cuts, if you know what I mean.” She waves the blade menacingly.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, in pet stores nationwide gamblers are growing in popularity.

2022-02-24 21:00

Save the Gambler

In desperation at the plight of the gambler, which has virtually no natural habitat left in Random Chaos, a somewhat unorthodox environmental group is demanding that the few surviving specimens be domesticated and sold in pet stores.

  1. “We must act now, before the gambler is lost forever,” said spokesperson Iroh Usman during a recent interview. “Domestication has ensured the survival of many endangered species in the past, and there really is no alternative left at this point. Besides, I’m sure many families would be thrilled to welcome a gambler into their homes.”
  2. “Sure, gamblers might look cute and harmless to you,” says retired hunting legend Miley Colbert, “but back in my day, they were the scourge on the nation. They carry a number of dangerous diseases, and you do NOT want to be bitten by one. My cousin was once bitten by a gambler and he’s never been the same since! So now you want my grandchildren exposed to these things? The sooner they disappear completely, the better!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government mails weekly updates on the new anti-junk mail laws to every citizen.

2022-02-24 15:00

Ignorance Is No Excuse?

After a widely followed trial in which an ordinary citizen was prosecuted for tax evasion, insurance fraud, and serial jaywalking due to small legislative changes that were only implemented the previous month, many are questioning how changes in the law should be communicated to the general public.

  1. “It’s not my fault I broke these idiotic new laws if I wasn’t even aware they existed! How was I supposed to know that claiming my seven cats as dependents for tax purposes was no longer legal?” protests Douglas Douglas, who was recently convicted and is awaiting sentencing. “Every time new laws are put in place, there should be a two-month grace period before they can be enforced. Furthermore, to make sure each citizen is aware of the changes, the government should send regular updates on new legislation to every registered address in Random Chaos. It’s the only way to stop travesties like this from happening again!”
  2. “Nobody sends letters any more; what are you, a square?” taunts Kanya Lennon, the managing director of the Gambler News Channel. “Everyone watches TV now. Just incentivize all channels to regularly show updates on new legislation. In fact, we could have our own weekly show, hosted by celebrities like what’s-his-name, Sokka Scheer, and maybe even Judi Bacon. The people will love it, tuning in every week to watch Random Chaosian Law News Live!”
  3. “Why should the taxpayer fork out for information no one uses, or allow grace periods for corrupt people to repeatedly break laws and plead ignorance?” asks devoted penny-scrimper Buffy Gilligan, who appears to have helped herself to the entire contents of the candy dish in the lobby. “If someone wants to know something, they should have to find it out at their own expense by doing their own research. If that’s too much effort for the couch-potato youths of today, then they’ll just have to risk the legal consequences of their misguided actions!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a National Academy regulates grammar and usage.

2022-02-24 09:00

Minority Group Demands Language Recognition

A group several thousand strong hailing from a remote, isolated corner of Random Chaos is staging a massive demonstration on the front steps of your capitol. They demand that their local dialect be recognized as an official language.

  1. Mercutio Hendrikson, your Minister of Culture, has nothing but disdain for the demonstrators. “The language of Random Chaos is as important to our national identity as our history is. A truly erudite individual uses perfect grammar and refuses to speak as those ruffians do.” Your Finance Minister is quick to chime in as well, “If business is required to print every road sign, instruction manual, and fast-food wrapper in two languages, it would increase everybody’s overhead. That means higher prices for the person in the street.”
  2. “Smarker, but ee’s gone blongie ‘round the clonger! Trandy in the blang warked a newtie on the Cheebers, quaff me a duggle if it’s brine. Sorky, hang our trandy high!” says Siko Parkarvarkar, speaking for the demonstrators, in an apparently rousing response that draws a cascade of cheers. After a few uncomfortable minutes with a professional translator, you find the speaker said, “I respectfully disagree with the Minister. Multilingualism has brought stability to richly-cultured nations such as Brancaland; indeed, I challenge you to provide a single counterexample. I encourage this government to adopt a policy of multilingualism throughout Random Chaos!”
  3. Amber Vercingetorix, a radical opposition member who seems to tag along to every demonstration she can find, has her own proposal. “The language barrier is keeping us all apart. What Random Chaos needs is a new identity defined by a new language that we can all agree on. That’s unity without favoritism.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Avoided and the Top 5% for Rudest Citizens and Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government statisticians explain census inaccuracies by declaring that "Sith happens".

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

2022-02-24 03:00

Use the Farce, Leader

After taking your niece to see Cosmic Conflicts: Episode XII — A New Ennui, your Census Director runs up to you in the parking lot, shouting that large numbers of people are putting false information on their census forms.

  1. “Orange Alert, Leader! We have a Level 3 census emergency!” Your confused look gives him pause. “Did you not memorize the color-coded Demographics Alert System that I sent you? Our census has a question about religious affiliation, but far too many people aren’t taking it seriously. They’re just listing fictional religions, like Jeday and Frisbeetarianism. We must track down every one of these reprobates and question them at great length to determine their actual religious beliefs — and fine them for listing false information on official government documents!”
  2. “I am one with the Farce and the Farce is with me,” chants a movie theater patron wearing brown robes, who starts swinging around a cardboard tube and making humming noises. “The ancient Jeday faith, which was revealed to us by visionary film director Jorge Toucas, is a fundamental truth in all corners of the universe. Our beliefs are genuine. I insist that you recognize this as a legitimate religion!”
  3. Another passerby wearing a strange uniform and a helmet that completely covers their face stops to listen. “Do you hear this blasphemy, Leader? The law encourages everyone to follow a major religion. These fantasy films are a terrible influence on weak-minded citizens whose faith is shaky at best. Ban all fiction that includes any references to false religions, and send these heretics to remedial religious education classes. This is the way!”
  4. Your niece tugs on your sleeve, looking annoyed. “Why does the census even ask about religion? I know it’s for statistics or whatever, but I really don’t care if my friends pray to Yahvo or R’hllor or even the Overgoat! That’s none of my business, and the government shouldn’t be asking about it either. In fact, if we want to be progressive, the census also shouldn’t ask about gender, race, ethnicity, or national origin. Instead, we should just focus on finding out fun and entertaining tidbits, like hobbies, or music tastes, or favorite cheese.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, families are only permitted to have one child.

2022-02-23 21:00

Much Ado About Abortion

A monstrous debate between pro-life and pro-choice groups has erupted after a high-profile case of a pregnant woman aborting her foetus because she ‘didn’t feel like it’ hit the tabloids.

  1. Brenda Wolowitz, lawyer for the woman known only as Miss X, says, “It is Miss X’s right to choose! It’s her body; she can do whatever she wants with it. In the interest of women’s rights, abortion MUST be legal throughout the country!”
  2. “I most vehemently disagree,” says Gwilym Dvořák, a pro-life activist. “I’m all for women’s rights in general, but what about the child? Does it have no rights either? Abortion is totally immoral and I insist that it be outlawed except in cases of rape, or when the mother’s life is in danger.”
  3. “You’re not going far enough! Abortion is murder!” shouts Reverend Luna Locke, waving a placard with a picture of a foetus on it. “God decides which babies live and which will die, not us! The government must maintain a stern anti-abortion stance to preserve the morality of Random Chaos!”
  4. “Abortion has to be legal if we’re going to last as a nation,” says Sayid Shaft, President of the Society of Bitter Old People. “Have you ever thought that with our nation’s growing population of 3.66 billion, we soon aren’t going to be able to squeeze any more people into Random Chaos? If we use abortion to control the population, we’ll make great savings and can spend the money elsewhere. One child per family should just about do it I think. Extraneous ones can be sold to other countries.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, schoolyard bullying has a tendency to escalate.

2022-02-23 15:00

Edged Out

Banning guns has reduced gun crime, but in its place knife crime is rising. A recent anonymous survey of teenagers suggests that a frighteningly high proportion of them carry a blade routinely.

  1. “My son was stabbed three times,” weeps Khethiwe Robinson, parent of a hospitalised teenager, “all because he looked at someone the wrong way. Well, yes, and spat in the girl’s face. Sure, and he poked her once or twice with his finger... look, that’s not the point! We have to ban concealed weapons of any sort!”
  2. “A knife is a vital tool!” exclaims outdoorsman Sylvester Zoidberg, using his Bowie knife to peel a banana. “Responsible adults like me shouldn’t be punished! Just ban blade ownership till the age of majority; let grown-ups carry whatever blades they need to. Ouch!” He yelps as he nicks his finger.
  3. “Tribes in the Kawandaland jungle give children knives to play with as soon as they can walk,” observes hippy mum Kathryn Fils-Aimé, handing her six-year-old son a bottle of bleach for his household chores. “Maybe if we trusted our children more, they’d learn responsibility at an early age. I say that every child should be encouraged to keep a knife on them, and taught to use it for creative purposes, like whittling or splint basketry.”
  4. “I can’t believe one is reduced to this; I’m frankly dying of embarrassment here, old chap,” mumbles Barry Matsenjwa, an adolescent highwayman waving a silver butter-knife at you as he tries to mug you. “How is any self-respecting criminal meant to be taken seriously these days? For the sake of our national dignity, my dear bureaucrat, you must allow us to have our firearms back! Also, give me your valuables, or I’ll slice your gizzard.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government loves seeing the little people fight.

2022-02-23 09:00

A Little Wrestling, a Lot of Controversy

A dwarf wrestling tour was cut short after advocacy groups complained that it was demeaning.

  1. “Just look at this!” fumes three-foot-tall disabled rights activist Tracy LeCarré, waving around a poster that you can’t see for the top of your desk. “This isn’t a sporting event; this is a modern-day freak show. It even says they have a ‘midget toss’! I know the wrestlers agreed to participate, but they aren’t the only ones that have to live with the dehumanizing stereotypes. Random Chaos shouldn’t tolerate entertainment that pokes fun at people for their size or disabilities.”
  2. Suddenly, a diminutive wrestler in brightly-colored spandex hurtles toward you, landing on your desk and knocking all your papers onto the floor. “Ha! What fun is life if you can’t laugh at yourself?” she says, as she rolls to her feet. “Maybe wrestling isn’t for everyone, but it’s a lot better than being unemployed or having some boring office job. We wrestlers are celebrating who we are - it’s not up to you to tell us what we can’t do. Instead, why don’t you give us some support and let us show everyone what we can do?”
  3. “You’re all thinking too small,” slobbers creepy endocrinologist Dr. Carrie Santos, leering down over the head of the wrestler and gesticulating erratically. “You’ve got to look at the big picture. We wouldn’t have to worry about any of this if we had a cure for dwarfism, right? Well, I’ve just made a huge breakthrough in hormone treatments that would allow all these people to grow to a normal height, instead of being freakishly small. All I need is some funding to make my project a reality. Yes, that’s all...” She cackles maniacally, though it’s not clear what she is finding so funny.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Retail Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is illegal to make racist remarks in public.

2022-02-23 03:00

Nazi Sympathizers Plan Rally

Far-right-wing Nazi supporters plan to stage a rally in the city center tomorrow, giving voice to their violent, racist views.

  1. “Frankly, I’m appalled that the government can even consider allowing this travesty to go ahead,” says prominent Jewish personality Cillian Roll. “We can’t let these animals broadcast their message of hate. Surely Random Chaos is too civilized for that.”
  2. “It’s exactly because we’re civilized that we must let the demonstration proceed,” says free speech campaigner Imogen Foster. “We may not like what they have to say, but in this society, people have the right to argue whatever political view they want, no matter how hateful, selfish, or stupid it is.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, penniless buskers are singing for their supper.

2022-02-22 21:00

Don’t Be a Busk-Kill

A recent video shoot of newly sworn-in cabinet ministers being broadcast on live TV was disrupted by an enthusiastic but loud vuvuzela-player busking nearby. Most viewers reported they couldn’t hear a word being spoken over the noise. This incident has raised some smiles, but also sparked a debate over busking in general.

  1. “NOISY PESTS!” yells inner city resident Oberon Licorish, straight into your left ear from just two feet away. “While I’m trying to get my beauty sleep at 3 in the afternoon, I’m being disturbed by moronic musicians, talentless thespians and hopeless harlequins! They’re just beggars, but with added irritation and noise. Ban busking! Smash up their instruments, and take away all their earnings!”
  2. “Eish! Em not justa musician, mos,” protests Jan Scott, the busker in question, “Em a one-man entertainment experience, with Hlokoloza dancing for the bokkies an’ gooses, crazy naartjie juggling and even face painting for the laaities! Surely busking adds a bit a music and colour to life, nè? The government should pay buskers to be on every street. Let’s make everyone’s life happier now now!”
  3. “I know a way we could make both sides happy,” remarks your Minister for Fine Arts, Ariel Bannon, pressing play on her cassette of patriotic anthems to create the right mood. “We could introduce national performance licenses, and only allow public performance by those who have attained a certain standard. As a nice side effect, this will let us make sure that our nation’s culture is both highbrow and patriotic.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gun-wielding gangsters sometimes deal death from as far as ten paces away.

2022-02-22 15:00

Gunman Wounds Three

Today terror struck an antiques show when a would-be seller, unhappy with the price offered for his 200-year-old blunderbuss, decided instead to open fire. Luckily nobody was killed, seeing as the museum piece was wrestled off him during the minute and a half it was taking him to reload, but many are asking how the gun ban was so easily circumvented.

  1. “Look, let’s not be too hasty in drawing conclusions,” says antiques vendor Sarah Ford, rubbing at the sore patch on her left buttock where a low velocity lead ball left a nasty bruise. “I must confess I was offering an insultingly small pittance for such a piece of history, but I have my own bottom line to look after! I believe that citizens should be able to keep such historic beauties that happen to be family heirlooms from before the ban. They certainly make these car-boot sales much more interesting!”
  2. Security guard Angela McBoatface glares at the previous speaker with one remaining eye. “Easy for you to say, that wound isn’t permanent! I knew something suspicious was going to happen as soon as that good for nothing lowlife walked in with that big boomstick. We got rid of the guns for a reason, and this is exactly it! I say we go from house-to-house and confiscate all remaining guns from the populace, no matter their age, legality or functionality!”
  3. “The law as it stands says that old pieces can be kept so long as they are deactivated,” suggests police officer Emory Solo, who was hit by a small piece of shrapnel in the middle of his stomach. “The problem here isn’t that the weapon exists, but that it was so easily reactivated. We need to raise standards on how deactivation takes place, to make sure that antique weapons have no chance of being restored to working condition. Make deactivation more thorough, and also ban the sale of the spare weapon parts that make reactivation possible.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, several inches are being added to first class seating.

2022-02-22 09:30

A Little Bit Short

A recent exposé revealed that growth hormone therapy — an expensive treatment meant to help children who are producing little to no growth hormone on their own — is increasingly being prescribed to wealthy children who are just somewhat shorter than average.

  1. “I just want what’s best for my little Timmy; what parent wouldn’t?” asks Mako Santiago, who appears to have bribed your guards into getting an unscheduled meeting with you. “Growth hormone therapy is completely safe and the best doctor money could buy said it was a medically valid treatment for my little Timmy, what with him being two whole inches below normal. Whether or not Timmy gets hormone therapy is between his doctor, my accountant, and me, not the government.”
  2. “Great!” sarcastically exclaims Santiago’s valet after he has walked out of the room. “One more way the rich get it better off than the poor. My kids are even shorter than his, but I could never afford this treatment. You have to level the playing field. State-employed doctors should determine who truly needs growth hormone therapy, and the state should pay for it.”
  3. “This is insane,” cries a voice whose origins you can’t locate at first, until you look down and find the wee Dr. Bill Harford. “There’s nothing wrong with being shorter than average, even way shorter than average. You can’t call something a ‘treatment’ if there are no adverse health effects associated with the ‘illness’ it treats. Ban growth hormone therapy in all cases and teach Random Chaosians to love each other no matter what their size.”
  4. “I agree that the government should assure no one feels inferior because of the hand nature dealt to them,” asserts everyman Berger Harrison, who is so average as to be completely unidentifiable. “However, what we should be doing is manipulating the hormones of all children so that they all end up at exactly the same height. All men may not be created equal, but we can fix that.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the public health bureaucracy is wrapped in miles of red tape.

2022-02-22 03:30

Fluoride Controversy a Toothy Problem

Recent reports revealing that the dental health of Random Chaos is far below the regional average have ignited a fierce debate over whether to introduce fluoride to the nation’s tap water reserves.

  1. “Fluoride has been shown time and time again to promote dental health,” argues Dr. Edwin Namel, Chairperson of ‘Friends of The Teeth’. “It’s not an experimental drug for heaven’s sake, it’s an accepted method of promoting national good health. A nationwide program for the fluoridation of drinking water should not be seen as optional - it’s a no-brainer for any sensible government. We need to implement this now, whether the public want it or not.”
  2. “I am strongly against this proposal!” rages Agnes Reyes, one of the more vociferous members of the Random Chaos Green Society. “When I turn on the water tap I expect to get just that. Water. Nothing else. We are not lab rats and it is not the government’s place to force us into taking these chemicals! In fact I reckon we should put the brakes on all these new chemicals doctors keep pumping into people and give us the right to say no!”
  3. “There’s no need to go to either extreme,” says Donatello Yates, your personal dentist. “It’s all about, um, choice. Here’s a nice alternative: why not just have clean non-fluoridated drinking water and give more funds to dentists? If we had enough money, we could make all dental care absolutely free! It will be demanding on the taxpayers I know, but they’ll surely be happy when they all have sparkling white teeth!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, diners regard burgers made from mechanically reclaimed cow protein as "proper meat".

2022-02-21 21:00

Bugging Out on Beef

A school in Random Chaos recently made headlines for farming crickets, mealworms and other invertebrates for consumption in the cafeteria. As the surprisingly professional and detailed science project write-up cited relatively low levels of greenhouse gas production involved compared to traditional pastoral farming, environmental activists are agitating the national government for action.

  1. “You know, if you all were a little more open-minded to chomping down on critters, we’d be better off. Once you get over the fear factor you’ll start pounding these babies down your esophagus by the handful,” says Can You Eat It? contestant and professional snowboarder Chepal Edwards. “They’re super efficient at converting plant feed to protein and, like, way better for the environment! We should stick some funds into farming and slap some regulations on Big Cow and Big Chicken!”
  2. “Insects? On my dinner plate?” squirms health inspector Hermione Looney, consulting a thick tome. “Well, there isn’t any legislation as such that bans the eating of insects, but if we’re going to start farming these critters then we’re going to do it by the book. It has to be humane and hygienic, with proper documentation of all livestock, a chain of providence from field to slaughterhouse for each individual, and mandated minimum living space.”
  3. “Are you kiddin’ me? I’d rather eat cow dung than pop one of ‘em nasty crickers in my mouth,” worriedly proclaims foodstuff trucker Martin Shaw. “I’ll stick to eatin’ thick, juicy...stea...” he trails off at the sight of a roadside cafe. “Anyway, in this country we don’t eat that trash - we have standards. Stick to pumpin’ out cows, chickens, and all those glorious mammalian meat-sacs of the Earth for Random Chaosian barbecue. Hell, let’s raise more!”
  4. “He is right, but chooses the path of the gluttonous and unclean,” intones Shelia Beckham, sporting bright yellow robes and a sunflower headdress. “Vermin are forbidden by our holy verses for mortal consumption as they are agents of pestilence and disease. Consuming the flesh of animals of the land and sea is also forbidden as they are our fellow brethren. For the sake of our immortal souls, we must ban the consumption of animal flesh entirely.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the media only bothers polling the three most exclusive country clubs in the nation.

2022-02-21 15:00

Leader Wins Massive Victory!

Following a particularly brutal election season, your party narrowly held onto power with you as its undisputed leader. Your closest advisors have met to congratulate you on the close victory... and to ensure that such a thing never happens again.

  1. “I hate the voters so much,” snarls Bajrakitiyabha Powell, your campaign’s public relations director. “That election had no right to be as close as it was. I heard a rumor that opposition activists were undermining the integrity of the election and casting fraudulent ballots. We’ll have to start a comprehensive investigation of the election that just so happens to reveal dirt about the opposition, and pass draconian election security laws that coincidentally restrict our opponents’ access to the polls. Wink wink.”
  2. “Who needs voters when you have the military’s support?” asks Supreme Generalissimo Frank Wiener, clapping you on the back and nearly causing you to choke on your lunch. “I say we declare martial law and start rounding up our political opponents. Oh sure, we can still have elections. They’ll be useful for rooting out dissent among the populace. But you’ll be the unquestioned power in Random Chaos.”
  3. “Now, I’m all for subverting the democratic process,” says Lara Dovey, a rising star in your government, as several advisors nod along in approval. “But these ideas all run the risk of backfiring. Not to mention the fact that they’d take resources away from actually implementing our agenda. We should focus on doing work that undeniably benefits people, like my public transportation overhaul. If we do a good job in the eyes of the voters, we won’t need to worry about staying in power.”
  4. Suddenly, you hear a loud sigh from your Director of Election Directing, who pitched the idea of this meeting in the first place. “If we’re seriously considering keeping ourselves in power with underhanded laws or military force, I say we just abolish public elections altogether. We’ll restrict voting to an elite inner circle that’ll deliberate on your appointments and decisions — hey, we still need to have some checks — and it’ll help placate the people.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, clergy who start talking about politics are forced to take a holy vow of silence.

2022-02-21 09:00

Nun on the Run

The Sisters of Saint Katherine’s Mercy are a religious order known for their charitable works and advocacy for the poor. Although their philanthropy often relies upon unorthodox fundraising methods, it was still surprising when Sister Deloris Larson recently announced her intention to run for a vacant parliament seat.

  1. “There must be a separation of church and state,” declares your militantly atheist cousin. “She will obviously use her religious position to gain votes and attempt to interfere with our government. Even worse, she’s running as an independent candidate in one of the most vulnerable districts for our party. If you wish to maintain credibility within the halls of parliament, you cannot allow anyone in a position like this to gain office!”
  2. “Citizens should be able to serve both our nation and our Creator,” asserts Sister Deloris, wearing a pin that reads ‘greed is a sin’. “And the best way to serve the neediest people of our nation is to be in the same room where all of our tax funds are distributed, advocating on behalf of the people who don’t currently have a voice in these decisions. All I want to do is make Random Chaos a better place. If you claim to be democratic, my religious beliefs shouldn’t prevent me from running.”
  3. “I don’t see why any job should be allowed to discriminate based on religious affiliation,” argues Sister Angela Night of the Order of Divine Retribution, brandishing a loop of prayer beads set with metal spikes. “For example, I applied to join the police, but they said that my religious background wasn’t suitable for police work. If anything, I’d think it makes me more motivated to deliver a righteous beatdown to the lawbreakers and sinners that still walk around our streets with impunity. It’s not just a job for me — it’s a daily vocation.”
  4. “Perhaps we need to get our nation back onto the right track by mandating that all of our elected leaders are believers,” ponders your Minister of Sacramental Supremacy, in between bouts of chanting and hitting himself in the forehead with a board. “The root of all evil comes from the lack of faith in a creator, so it only makes sense that those who govern us believe in one. Leader, you must ensure that those running for political office have at least some sort of religious beliefs.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Rudest Citizens and the Top 10% for Lowest Crime Rates.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, acute politicians deride opposition members for being obtuse.

2022-02-21 03:00

Some Assembly Required

After an ill-advised demonstration during a floor speech on chemical safety standards, the national legislative building is in need of extensive renovations. Leading architects, lawmakers and political scientists have arranged a meeting with you to discuss designs for the new assembly chamber.

  1. “We should look to the Parliament of Brancaland for inspiration,” pants opposition leader Alfons Gray, taking a break from shouting into his phone. “Two sets of benches: one for my Opposition and allies, the other for the current Government and their accomplices. From just over two sword lengths apart within the Clerkship’s square should we look our enemies — ahem — colleagues in the eye and have a straightforward debate about the issues facing Random Chaos. Besides, I like right angles. If only my colleagues on the other side shared the same appreciation...”
  2. “The Brancalandian legislature is infamous for running into gridlock,” warns senior legislator Elaine Mullins. “I surmise that a traditional semicircle would be best. Tried and true by many classical governments throughout the ages, it shall add an air of gravitas to all proceedings. With an emphasis on non-fixed seating placing parliament members of different backgrounds next to one another, you’ll find the opposition less concerned with putting up a visible fight and better focused on finding ways to get the actual work of governing done.”
  3. “There’s no time for half-measures!” declares wide-eyed celebrity architect Joe Targaryen, laying out a rather large floor plan on your desk. “I have plans to install a grand circular skylight above the assembly while expanding the visitor gallery to three full floors. Underneath it all, there’d be no seats, only an unbridled tide of legislators flowing over concentric circles of colour. What better way to illustrate the complexity and beauty of politics unbound?”
  4. “What a waste of taxpayer money,” grumbles your mustachioed adviser Don Duckson, whittling down a block of wood. “Don’t humor these petulant children; just have podiums at the front for the leadership with rows of solid oak desks for everyone else. It’s simple and efficient. I don’t see what else we have to discuss here.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, newspapers are celebrating Leader saving over a million cats from trees.

2022-02-20 21:00

Flight of the Rich and Famous

During the run-up to a recent election, several high-profile individuals, including the stars of the surprise hit musical ‘Jude The Obscure’, attempted to influence people’s voting choices by threatening that they would emigrate to Brancaland if you won. You won the election, but none of them are showing any signs of even preparing to leave.

  1. “What a bunch of hypocrites!” exclaims one of your advisors, Judi Yeats. “You should force them to follow through on their promises and leave Random Chaos, just like they said they would. We’d be better off without nay-sayers dividing the country anyway, not to mention the fact that ridding ourselves of their horrible shows and songs would be a great service to our proud nation!”
  2. “There’s another possibility that could work,” suggests your security advisor. “It seems that an old law establishing an Entertainment Service in the military was never repealed. Why not have them drafted into that, and send them to tour some of our nation’s notably unpleasant outposts? Perhaps one of our arctic stations could inspire a change of heart.”
  3. “Are you all out of your minds?” cries Noddy Ephron, clutching a book entitled ‘Why Leader Is Horrible’. “You can’t punish these people just for saying something that they didn’t actually mean! Random Chaos’s residents should feel free to say anything they wish about the government, even if what they say is ridiculous. They mean well, I promise you!”
  4. “The best solution is a peaceful one,” notes Tamara MacIntyre, admiring your portrait hanging on a nearby wall. “What we should do is promote a positive image of you across the nation, as this will give people the opportunity to see you in a different light. Set up campaign broadcasts, publish favorable articles, and let people know that Leader isn’t all that bad.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many politicians are having to do a hard day's work for the first time in their careers.

2022-02-20 15:00

A Matter of Trust

A new survey conducted by private organizations has found out that confidence in Random Chaos’s political system is at an all-time low. Politicians and political think tanks are scrambling to find a solution.

  1. “Isn’t it obvious?” asks Frederic deJong, host of a political talk show. “Politicians get away with things that would land us regular folk with a year of litter-picking in community service. Corruption, fraud; you name it, they do it - and with no consequences. How about you make it harder for them to get away with their crimes by enforcing tough punishments. Maybe then you’ll earn back the public’s trust.”
  2. “I couldn’t help but notice that confidence was particularly lower among women,” notes Emily Lannister, editor of Bonjour magazine. “It’s time we rid this country of its old boys club by introducing gender quotas. Mandate that women must hold at least 50% of all public offices in Random Chaos; everyone knows women are so much more trustworthy than men.”
  3. “People don’t trust us?” gasps Rex Ryan, one of your many advisers. “Then it’s time we earned it back! Let’s get out there among the people and show everybody that politicians are just like them! Be totally transparent; personal blogs, documentaries, 24 hour TV shows. Yes, it may cost a bit, but if the public know everything about you, they’ll have to trust you!”
  4. “If the people don’t trust us then we’ll make them,” suggests Kai Amin, your military aide-de-camp, slamming his fists on the table. “We’ll just use force and intimidation to win back support. Some may call it brainwashing or terrorism, but I call it love. As a plus, it should be really easy to implement!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos has taken the radical step of electing its future leaders.

2022-02-20 09:00

If at First You Don’t Succeed...

After a close shave with a rabid gambler, a small group of apparatchiks in grey suits have gathered round the hospital bed in which you are recuperating to discuss the delicate issue of the succession.

  1. “I’m sure we’ll have the benefit of your wise guidance for many years to come, Leader,” says your Chief of Staff Natalia Ward, “but just in case the worst should happen, would you mind letting us know who should fill your mighty shoes? Not that such a gargantuan task would be easy, of course.”
  2. “In the event of your unfortunate demise,” suggests your brother as he surreptitiously replaces your recuperative health drink with finest scotch, “Random Chaos will need someone to look up to. Let’s face it, the country is full of wastrels who need a firm hand. That’s why an absolute monarch, with final authority over every aspect of Random Chaosian life, is the answer. After all, such a monarch can always choose the right trusted, older candidate of proven loyalty and ability to succeed them. I think I know just the man...”
  3. “No, you mustn’t!” cries your sister, yanking the scotch from your hand and handing you a grape. “If there is a monarchy, it must be regulated by limits placed by an elected government. That way, the people still get a say in how their country is run, and the person at the top doesn’t get overstressed. Not only that, but think what an unscrupulous person might do given absolute power: bump off loathed relatives, persecute political enemies and even destroy the country.” Noticing your brother grinning at her, she remembers she has something to do and sprints out of the room.
  4. “You know what I think?” declares Valour Davenport, your chief of security. “All this talk of replacing you is treason, pure and simple! You must eliminate anyone who has even mentioned the succession at once, before they usurp you!”
  5. “I think science might have the solution,” claims your attendant physician Cameron Krugman, who couldn’t help overhearing the previous conversations. “With adequate funding and the latest medical technologies, my colleagues and I may be able to dramatically increase your lifespan. It’ll mean diverting funds from everyone else’s healthcare, of course, but what value would their insignificant little lives have without you, O Leader, to guide them?”
  6. “Even death need not be the end!” shouts one of your more fervent acolytes before being taken away for a nice lie down in a darkened room. “Why not declare yourself leader in perpetuity? Then we’ll never be without your divine guidance! Think about it. Leader... forever!”
  7. “Er, excuse me,” says your nurse, who has been attending to your intravenous drip and so far remained unnoticed, “but shouldn’t it be up to the people to decide who your successor is?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, school children across the country are staging hunger strikes to protest government-mandated salads.

2022-02-20 03:00

Feeding Frenzy

The latest episode of celebrity chef Ramsey Oliver’s massively popular television show “Lunch Box Revolution” has exposed the unhealthy junk food served in elementary and high schools, putting your government under pressure to act on childhood obesity.

  1. “We all know what the problem is, so why isn’t the government doing a #$%! thing about it?” decries Oliver from your TV screen. “We need to stop feeding our children junk food, like those $%#&! chicken chizzlers. Maybe the government can’t control what they have at home, but they can give them proper meals for school lunches. Force the schools to serve only nutritious meals and ban junk food from being sold in schools. It’s a !%&$# no-brainer! The $#%!@ soda industry might not like it, but they can go suck a lemon.”
  2. “Who says you can’t control what kids eat at home?” comments Han Christensen, one of your golf buddies, as he practices his swings. “You’d make it easier on parents if you mandated an official meal plan for children across Random Chaos. I know I’d be much happier if a professional was preparing my kids’ meals. Have you ever tasted my wife’s cooking? Think about it. Hmm, that’s probably a 7 Iron shot from here.”
  3. “Healthy food and meal plans aren’t the answer,” objects soccer mom and former Olympic athlete Yui Jefferson, proudly displaying her gold medals. “The problem is that our glutinous hellspawn don’t get off their lazy butts to exercise. We need more PE classes! Mandatory athletic training! More funding for after school activities! If we educate parents and children about good health and exercise, then they will get healthier and stay healthier. Not to mention they’ll be the strongest and fastest in all of The Hatrackia!”
  4. “Here we go with the food police again,” sighs Burger Queen CEO Marcus Pushkin as he chows down on a double bacon cheeseburger. “How about you health nuts stop telling me what food I can put in my body? These kids are perfectly capable of making their own choices. If they would rather enjoy one of our delicious burgers instead of some gross salad then who are we to stop them? Sure, they’ll probably have a heart attack or two by the time they’re my age, but it’s better to die fat and free than old and controlled!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cigarettes are dead-cheap.

2022-02-19 21:00

Smokers Cornered

Despite widespread public awareness about the dangers of smoking, the habit still continues among a sizeable portion of the population. Shady looking teenagers, stressed-out office workers, and chatterbox seniors can still be seen puffing away.

  1. “There’s no better way to end this filthy habit once and for all than by hitting smokers where it hurts: no, not their lungs, but their wallets!” reflects Tina Gibson, your Minister for Health and Ruining Fun, whilst crunching on a celery stick. “Making ciggies punitively expensive with enforced minimum pricing will make most smokers think twice before they buy their next pack and will have them abandoning this habit before you can say ‘cough’!”
  2. “Um, if I may be so bold as to make a suggestion Leader,” enquires Carmen Merkel, your office cleaner, as she briefly stops polishing your photo frame. “Cigarettes are one of the few pleasures the poorer members of society have. I beg you to find it within your heart to make smokes as inexpensive as possible.”
  3. “By Jove, old sport, I have a smashing plan,” wheezes rotund blue-blood Charles Uppington-Noseworthy. “The government should prohibit cigarettes, while permitting only the more dignified forms of tobacco: cigars, pipes, and snuff - but please - avoid the hideous levies on them. Just think about it: chaps would finally be gentlemen again, and the air would be rich with scents of spice, cedar and carcinogens! As for the ladies - well, they should not partake in smoking; ‘tis not becoming of the fairer sex.”
  4. “This has to be the most disgusting habit ever,” opines ex-smoker Hamlet Stone, waving a heavily chewed pencil at you. “Cancer, lung disease, heart disease, financial costs. There is nothing good about smoking, nothing. I’m totally glad I quit and I so don’t follow smokers around to inhale their second-hand fumes. You need to ban all forms of tobacco now! Get that temptation away from me... I mean, for everyone’s health!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, getting an autograph has become harder than ever.

2022-02-19 16:00

Is the Signature Always Right?

It took approvals for dubious government expenses claims, the surprising discovery of your name endorsing documents you have never seen, and your niece getting away with cutting school before government officials realized your signature had been forged. Now your office is, as usual, full of advisers willing to give their two pens on the issue.

  1. “This is the result of insufficient security checks,” suggests Jadzia Kowalski, your Minister of Complicating Things. “If every signature across the nation required a counter-signature, forgery-resistant inks, a DNA test, family history checks, and an authenticity report produced by a staffer of my Ministry, I can ensure such forgeries would become a thing of the past!”
  2. “Did you know that in medieval Maxtopia, anybody caught counterfeiting was boiled to death?” states your brother, carrying a history tome under his arm. “I say, great minds think alike, so why not re-introduce this practice? Nobody who inks straight will dare forge your signature if they knew they’d risk being put to death in atrocious suffering!”
  3. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” whispers your Minister of Shady Things Murat Rogers, clad in an ink-black suit. “Imagine if we hired these counterfeiters and asked them to forge your political opponents’ signatures. The whole concept of consent would be in our... I mean your hands now.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, CEOs are forced to cut coupons during important conference calls to make ends meet.

2022-02-19 09:00

Making Money Hand Over Fist

In a highly-anticipated boxing match between ‘Pretty Boy’ Silas Parkarvarkar and Jamal ‘The Junkyard Dog’ Croft watched by millions across the nation, both competitors walked away with more than one hundred million chips. Critics are claiming that the fight has ushered in a new wave of spoilt, egotistical, money-grabbing athletes.

  1. “It is utterly ridiculous,” tuts Gombu Kiefaber, a freelance journalist who formerly focused on politics but is rumored to have switched to reporting on sports to pay the bills. “If I knew dancing around like a fairy for an hour could earn me that much, I certainly wouldn’t be wasting my time writing! The government should peg athletes’ salaries to another hardworking profession, like freelance journalism, to curb this unfair advantage.”
  2. “That just doesn’t cut it,” interjects Lisbeth Rivera, head of a wage equality group. “What about the actor getting paid a princely sum for spending a day acting in a commercial? Or a CEO getting paid fifty times what their workers make to lounge on the golf course? The government should regulate all professions. Professional pay will no longer be a matter of industry and business, but of legality and government policy.”
  3. “They must think we’re grabbing money from their... wal... uh, wall... er... pockets,” mumbles the no longer so handsome-looking Silas Parkarvarkar, who lost the fight in a knockout. “Lots of people paid to see the fight and I ear... uhh... what’s the word? EARNED that money. In fact, you should... pro... prom... help make more people watch our fights. People will have a fun thing to watch, and maybe they’ll even want to become fit like me.”
  4. “Those critics are just cowardly keyboard warriors,” hisses the infamously tough boxing coach Ryan Zhu. “I’m sure anyone critical of athletes’ salaries would quickly shut up if we forced them into a real fighting situation. They’d be good punching bags for the million chip fighter I’m training.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the blind lead the blind in social welfare.

2022-02-19 03:00

Unfit for Purpose

The Department of Welfare has been criticized for the way it assesses potential claimants of disability benefits. The department sends out agents from private companies to force claimants to perform what critics call “cruel and humiliating” assessments in order to prove they need the benefit.

  1. “This is disgusting and inhumane,” furiously shouts wheelchair-bound claimant Dawa Skinner. “That person who came to assess me wasn’t even a licensed medical professional in my area of care. She was a former optician! Does it look like my eyes aren’t working? She made me roll up and down my hallway until my arms got tired, then told me I didn’t need the benefit because I could roll along the floor on my own without difficulty! End this now. A note from your doctor or other relevant professional should be enough evidence to claim disability benefit. It’s not as if they’d lie.”
  2. “The system works just fine,” claims your grey-suited and stoic Welfare Minister. “We have to carefully screen every claim, otherwise every scammer and skiver would try to con the government out of money for every cut and scrape they have. Make the assessments more stringent, and properly fund my department. That way, it’ll deter the con artists and only the truly disabled will receive assistance.”
  3. “I think a lack of empathy is the problem,” suggests a random passer-by who happened to overhear the meeting. “I’m not against the principle of assessing clinical needs, but we need to make it fairer on claimants. I heard one story of one of those agents asking a suicidal person how they would kill themselves if they were to do it. We should ensure that all assessors have the same disability as the claimant, which will ensure they are treated humanely and fairly, as well as making sure that the assessor has a good understanding of what the condition entails.”
  4. “This is all just a waste of time and money!” exclaims self-styled Social Darwinist and anti-government crusader Jenna Bishop. “Think of the suffering taxpayers! Where are our benefits, hmm? We’re the real victims here, not these lazy slackers on disability! Abolish their welfare payments and let natural selection work things out.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the roads are virtually falling apart.

2022-02-18 21:00

Roads Like Roller Coasters, Complain Motorists

A group of local motorists have assembled outside of City Hall to protest against the shoddy state of roads in Random Chaos.

  1. “These roads are terrible!” shouts Shigeru Contri, president of the Random Chaos Auto Club. “Every few feet there’s a crack, or a pothole, or a gravel patch, or the remains of someone else’s car! It’s really too much! And just look at this-” he adds, rubbing a nasty bruise on his forehead - “I got that from my rear-view mirror after flying over a bump on Main Street! These roads must be fixed! There really needs to be vast improvements made now, before anyone gets seriously hurt.”
  2. Sue-Ann Kennett, avowed anti-spending advocate, disagrees: “Road construction? What a waste of chips! If people can still drive on them, then the roads are fine as they are. Spending more to make trivial repairs would just be a waste of the tax payers’ money! We should just ignore these whiners and leave the roads as they are and if the drivers don’t like that - well... then they can just learn to walk like the rest of us.”
  3. “Why on Earth is it the government’s responsibility to build and maintain roads?” asks bicyclist Beth Richards, pausing for breath. “Not all citizens own automobiles, you know. The government should be trying to make life better for all, not just car owners! If people want roads, then let private industry build them, and they can charge tolls to the people who actually drive on them. Leave the government out of it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nocturnal light pollution is mostly blue.

2022-02-18 15:00

Resting in Peace

Truck drivers are complaining that designated highway rest areas are always full, and many have taken to parking by the roadside.

  1. “Reckless parking can cause deadly accidents — for example, two nights ago a car collided with an articulated truck parked on the highway ramp, causing a four car pile-up and five casualties,” reports patrol officer Eddard Silk. “While that driver was prosecuted for vehicular manslaughter, there ought to be stricter punishments for inconsiderate parking, even when no accident ensues. Increase the police budget, and empower us to issue punitive on-the-spot penalty notices, and we’ll end this problem once and for all.”
  2. “What else can we do?” asks big rig driver Kathleen Bennett, who had been blocking your front door with her afternoon nap. “There’s a big shortage of parking spaces at designated rest areas, forcing us to park wherever we can. Prosecution will not solve this problem, more parking spaces for me and my colleagues will.”
  3. “People should buy more local produce instead,” suggests Onya Baike, from the eco-advocate organisation Carbon Counts. “We propose that you should tax cargo-carrying road vehicles increasing amounts proportional to the fuel used in transportation. I’m sure rising costs create rising prices, which will change consumer behaviour, which will mean less haulage traffic on the road, which means no parking problems.”
  4. “What if a parked truck didn’t block the road?” muses 8-year-old Oswald Grossweiner, playing with his toy cars. “Trucks should have fold-out ramps at the front and back of their trucks so cars can safely drive over them when they’re parked. Even if you’ve got lots of trucks parked back-to-back, you could link their ramps together and make a rooftop road!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids' party bags often contain candy and e-cigarettes.

2022-02-18 09:00

Vaping Up a Storm

E-cigarettes and vaping have been growing more popular, but some have expressed safety concerns.

  1. “I caught my son puffing mist from this weird device!” panics mother Mamiko Perry, holding an e-cigarette at arm’s length as if expecting it to explode in her face. “I haven’t tried it myself, but if you combine electricity with the dangers of nicotine, who knows what will happen? We must stop people using them until there’s been more research into their safety!”
  2. “Mom, you have like, minus one hundred percent idea what you’re talking about,” retorts her son, fifteen-year-old Danu, obnoxiously exhaling a cloud of berry-scented vapour into your face. “E-cigarettes have like, no bad stuff in them at all, so they’re as safe to smoke as drinking water. I mean drinking water is as safe as smoking these, not that you can smoke water... uh... you get what I mean. In fact, they help people stop smoking. Which is good, so I hear, though I’ve never actually tried smoking cigarettes. Plus, it’s really cool-looking. I’ve been trying to impress that Julie girl with my vape hearts. Anyway, don’t cut me off, because I really like Julie. Like really, really like. You get me?”
  3. “Nicotine replacement devices are reasonable to help with nicotine addiction,” interjects Dr. deCastro in a paternalistic tone of voice, “and that’s all that they should be used for. People are too stupid to decide things for themselves: you need someone who has a brain to tell them what to do. Leader, if you have any respect for the moral and physiological well-being of our nation, I implore you to necessitate a psychiatrist’s prescription for electronic cigarettes.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, black tea is only available on the black market.

2022-02-18 03:00

Trouble Brewing

This morning’s strategy meeting was brought to a grinding halt when you and your cabinet were subjected to the worst pot of tea you have ever had the misfortune of suffering. The leaves weren’t properly brewed, the milk was skimmed AND powdered, the water was lukewarm, and the sugar bowl was full of salt...

  1. “Oh gosh Leader, I’m so sorry I don’t know how to make your boiled leaf water,” spits Monica, the ever-sarcastic secretary responsible for the offending brew. “I was busy learning trivialities like typing, minute-taking, IT skills, and calendar organising. How about you all drink Eckie-cola from now on, instead? In fact, you should get rid of tea from the whole of Random Chaos: it’s a drink for old farts and fuddy-duddies anyway.”
  2. “Look, I’m the Secretary of State, the damn Secretary of State, I say, and even I know how to make tea properly,” complains your elderly Secretary of State, pointing to the desk nameplate that says Secretary of State. “The problem with young people today, well, besides being constantly glued to their Pear Phones, is that they don’t know how to slow down and take their time. We should make tea-making and kitchen skills a part of the national curriculum, and encourage all those teenagers and twenty-somethings to stop rushing around, and to appreciate a proper tea service.”
  3. “Pfft, slow-mo food and drink is so last century,” mocks Tukti Marshall, your Chief of Science, while digging into his microwave burrito. “What you need is instant tea, in a can, with some sort of heating widget that triggers with the ring pull, and plenty of preservatives to make it last. Once again, science has the answer! So, shall I assign some government grants for food technology research, or what?”
  4. “Oolongs for better tea?” giggles Bruno Skywalker, your pun-loving Minister of Agriculture, and your Cabinet brace themselves for an onslaught of tea-related puns. “Can we Matcha solution to the problem? Can we Rize to the occasion? Did you read that report I Sencha? Did I get things down to a tea, my Darjeelings?” In the face of blank faces and silence, he changes tack. “Uh... anyway, coffee. Coffee is easier to make and nicer. Subsidise coffee growers.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids are arrested at gunpoint for playing with toy rifles.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2022-02-17 21:00

Gunman Kills Three

Tragedy struck Random Chaos today, as a gunman killed three people in a suburban shooting rampage. The community is united in grief, but divided in opinion as to what should be done.

  1. The strongest voices demand tighter gun controls. “The only way to prevent further atrocities is to take the guns out of the hands of the murderers,” says anti-gun campaigner Miranda Nakatomi. “There’s no justification for them in today’s society. We need tighter regulations on who can hold guns, so only our police and military have them.”
  2. “That’s not all we need,” says radical left-wing activist Tiberius Thomas. “The government should ban all guns outright—even in the police force. This is an opportunity to make Random Chaos a totally gun-free state.”
  3. “Ban this. Ban that. You cannot ban your way to an answer,” intones Spruce Tree, a local martial artist and founder of Ay Kik Yu. “Our citizenry and our children must learn to properly defend themselves in this sort of situation if it should arise again. A mindful populace is a safe populace.”
  4. “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people,” says Random Chaos Handgun Association head honcho Bongani Cheswick. “If you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Is that what we want? Think, people. The answer isn’t kung-fu and it definitely isn’t banning guns. What you need to do is encourage us law-abiding folk to always carry a gun. Shoot first, ask questions later. That’s what I always say.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, home renovation shows are increasingly popular.

2022-02-17 16:00

Piracy on the High Trees

Both a popular ornamental and a prized source of lumber, the Random Chaosian cherry tree has spiked in value due to Random Chaos’s recent bespoke furniture craze. Coincidentally, there has also been a spike in bandit lumberjacks surreptitiously stealing shade trees from residences in the middle of the night.

  1. “The streets are filled with chainsaws right now and it’s frankly disgusting,” growls gruff detective Dana Suzuki, while photographing a branch from a fresh crime scene. “The other day I saw a bunch of flannel-clad hooligans walking to the park, each one chainsaw in hand, and I couldn’t do anything. Create a chainsaw registry, linking each saw owner to a chainsaw’s unique wear patterns, and I promise you we’ll have this crime wave licked faster than you can say ‘timber’.”
  2. “Willful waste, makes woeful want,” chides noted antiques dealer Jabulani Carey. “We already have plenty of perfectly good furniture in Random Chaos. We just need to revitalize the art of upholstery repair. The government should sponsor restoration classes and subsidize the sale of refurbished furniture. It would also allow for some reasonable environmental regulations to help preserve the trees before they’re gone.”
  3. “The problem, I’m afraid, is capitalism,” declares Minerva Holt, a noted socialist thinker. “If we just nationalized the ownership of all trees there’d be no question as to which trees were harvested legally since only the government could harvest them. Furthermore, we’d be assured that all the forestry in Random Chaos is sustainable because we’d be the ones doing it. Who else can Random Chaosians possibly trust to handle these important matters besides the government?”
  4. “Wha’ be th’ problem?” asks notorious logger, Captain William Ash, who, after losing a hand in a rumored chainsaw duel, had it replaced with a handsaw. “We... er... th’ pirate loggers are jus’ usin’ a valuable resource that those homeowners were wastin’ as shade trees. Once trees get t’ a merchantable size, anyone best be able t’ log them no matter whose land they be on. ‘N if anyone disagrees I’ll send them t’ Davy Jones’ locker!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, companies flee the nation rather than pay their fair share of taxes.

2022-02-17 09:00

Evasive Maneuvers

After a recent newspaper exposé revealed that many corporations in Random Chaos have been using obscure segments of the tax code to avoid taxation, an army of proletarian protesters marched on the companies involved. Naturally, the corporations sent out their own troop of crack lawyers, and they have met in the only conceivable middle ground: your office.

  1. “Let’s look at the legal facts here, shall we?” asks May Reagan, a sharp-suited lawyer opening a manila folder filled with a seemingly unending sheaf of papers. “The organisation I represent acted within the strict letter of the law and structured its assets as anybody would - in a manner to avoid the maximum amount of tax paid. Taxes are designed to reward certain behaviours over others, by offering a scheme of incentives and disincentives to those behaviours. The mere idea that a change in which behaviours to reward can be applied retroactively, and that my organization should finance that change, amounts to legislative tyranny.”
  2. “That’s bloody ridiculous!” puffs red-faced protester Vincent Wu, blowing spittle all over his supercilious counterpart. “They’re trying to paint all of this as something that any reasonable person would do - but it just isn’t! I don’t know every inch of the tax code, and it’s not like I can get all these smug big-shots to hang around the flat and tell me how to ‘structure my assets’, or some other rubbish. They knew what they did was against the spirit of the law, if nothing else - take them for all they’ve got. It’s only fair.”
  3. “Erm, Leader?” whimpers Augustus Einstein, a timid, conflict-fearing Treasury Ministry employee, cowering in a fort made up of boxes of tax code amendments. “I think there’s a way out of this. Surely we can just change the law to take out the biggest loopholes, without asking companies for any back payments for laws they didn’t break at the time? It’s not a perfect solution, but at least most of the protesters will go home and leave us alone - at least until they realize the corporate lawyers are back to their usual tricks?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Extensive Public Healthcare.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, schoolyard sandboxes resemble ashtrays due to the large number of cigarette butts.

2022-02-17 03:30

Hey Kid, Have a Cigar

One of Random Chaos’s leading tobacco companies, Maxboro, has produced an advertisement depicting children frolicking in a playground while smoking cigars and cigarettes. Predictably, a truckload of angry letters has been dropped on your desk, from angry parents and moralising busy-bodies.

  1. “This is truly odious!” screeches Jessica Wright, your Secretary of Political Correctness, as she tries to cover her child’s eyes and ears. “Tobacco companies cannot be allowed to market their death-sticks to our children! Our poor vulnerable youngsters could get hooked, and become chain-smokers before they finish primary school! Advertising dangerous products to children must be banned!”
  2. “Oh, Boo-hoo!” mocks M.B. Winston, CEO of Maxboro, while smoking a SpongeBarry SquareShirt themed cigarette. “Those ads are cute and funny! Kids should be allowed to make up their own minds about our exquisitely smooth leaf blends and candy-flavoured filters! Market restrictions are un-Random Chaosian. We should be able to sell our product to anyone who can afford to buy it, no matter how old they are!”
  3. “I have a reasonable third option!” interrupts passing minister Bianca Egan, right around the time someone normally interjects with a crazy third option. “Let tobacco companies operate freely, but have them do social good equal to the social harm, according to a fair assessment of externalities. Like, if they advertise to children, then they have to build a kids clinic or a litter picking program, that sort of thing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Department of Health is snowed under by requests for crisper ciabatta and tenderer tagliatelle.

2022-02-16 21:00

A Matter of Loaf and Death

Following a sale on gluten-free goods at the N’Ever Fresh chain of supermarkets, the shelves were stripped of all but a packet of gluten-free gravy granules and a slightly-stale baguette. The hungry coeliacs of Random Chaos claim these items were not bought by fellow gluten-intolerants, but by fad dieters.

  1. “These selfish shoppers are taking the bread from the mouth of my starving child. Literally!” rants Woody Gutierrez, the parent of Commodus, a recently-diagnosed boy with coeliac disease. “I mean, it just takes the cake! Not only does he have to suffer this lifelong condition – munching on cardboard-like gluten-free bread while all his friends chow down on pasta salads and soft loaves – but some airhead who thinks gluten-free is a lifestyle choice comes and strips the shelves. Not to mention that gluten-free stuff costs twice as much! You should limit these gluten-free products to diagnosed coeliacs, and issue government coupons to pay for these foods to legitimate customers, so parents can always put a whole meal on the table.”
  2. “If this man had a grain of sense, he’d realise that these half-baked ideas would cripple the national budget,” asserts your Minister of Finance, hiding his gluten-free sliced white bread in a drawer. “If they can’t find or afford gluten-free breads and pastas, there are plenty of naturally gluten-free foods such as rice and potatoes that they can buy instead. Simply issue a few leaflets that doctors can hand out to their patients about cheap foods that are naturally gluten-free.”
  3. “I think that’s a really crummy idea!” complains Iris Tolkien, author of the food sceptic’s handbook Inconsiderate ‘Intolerances’ and Awkward ‘Allergies’: Why Won’t the Whiners Simply Swallow Their Fare?. “We shouldn’t pander to these people. These so-called special diets have gone past a joke, what with restaurants offering ‘gluten-free’ and ‘dairy-free’ and ‘nut-free’ choices. And why? For some mewling, puking babies that use made-up diseases to get special attention, and for the Big Pharma companies that pay researchers to back up their claims and boost their own profits. I say we go against the grain and reject that these clearly-fabricated diseases even exist. Then, we’ll reap the benefits of plain old-fashioned common sense.”
  4. “Look, that idiot is clearly is a slice short of a loaf,” observes actress Gwendolyn Chicago, whose allergen-free cookbook - The Skinny Minnie Diet Plan - is due out next week. “It’s well-known that a gluten-free diet is an essential baseline for every person who wants to maintain maximum health, lose weight and be basically awesome. A gluten-free diet needn’t be boring. You can do so much: mung bean chilli, mung bean casserole, daal with mung beans in it. You should incentivise retailers so they switch to manufacturing only good gluten-free food, so that all of Random Chaos can benefit.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, police and sick people alike fear the Day of Rest as all institutions are forced to shut down.

2022-02-16 15:00

A Right Not to Work?

High ranking officials and devout followers of a major religion have requested that the government close down retail stores during their weekly holy day, in accordance with their religious views.

  1. “It’s written in our sacred texts that our creator took the seventh day for rest, and so should we!” says Zebediah Lannister, a devout follower of a major religion. “To work on this day is an insult to our creator, and I think the last thing Random Chaos needs is eternal damnation. Shut down all retail stores on holy days! Besides, who wants to work then anyway?”
  2. “I’m afraid that’s not going far enough,” adds David Ryan, a high-ranking official in the Synod of Zealous Religious Fanatics. “This shouldn’t apply to just retail stores. Everything must be shut down! Hospitals, government agencies, police, and other emergency services. Sure, it’ll be dangerous and likely cause some death, but saving our souls from eternal damnation should be our priority. Random Chaos must do all it can to appease the almighty Creator.”
  3. “You’re not really going to listen to what these nutjobs are proposing, are you?” asks Jenna Amin, your atheist economic adviser. “Think about the damage this would cause to the economy. Isn’t that more important than appeasing a few nuts? If anything, we should be requiring that all retail stores remain open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Just think of all that unlimited shopping time!”
  4. Slacker freelance food reviewer Nebuchadnezzar Garak, still in pajamas and eating a pizza slice on a ratty couch, sends you a video chat invitation. “Dude, why not just give everybody shorter work weeks? Make flex time, telecommuting, and 35-hour work weeks mandatory for all us working folk. Trust me, the people will love you for it man!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, strategic bombers are being converted into preschools.

2022-02-16 09:00

Guns or Butter?

After years of costly military build-up, the military now has a state of readiness capable of responding to all threats, both foreign and domestic. There is extensive debate among government officials, the military, and the average citizen over what, if anything, should be done with this powerful asset.

  1. “No one even thinks to look at us funny now,” says Field Marshall Lionel Mandrake as he taps a swagger stick against his hip. “So think about how they’d act when the military is in proper charge of the country? We’d say jump, and they’d jump, by jingo. Oh, and if you don’t agree with me, consider this a coup.”
  2. “There’s no point in having a military this size when our closest adversary has a water pistol strapped to a scooter and calls it an armoured brigade,” says noted economist Tabitha Farmer. “Besides, the military’s been getting uppity with all its funding anyway. Slash its budget, sell off its surplus, and put the money into tax relief and... of course... maintaining all those contractors. Sure, they won’t make tanks anymore but they can sure make plenty of commemorative plates with all that money!”
  3. “The military is too powerful!” cries famous peacenik Elvis Gandhi, smelling of petrol and holding a Zippo in one hand. “All those tanks and bombs threaten us and the environment - we’re number one, and someone’s gonna try and take us down because of it! The people are tired of eating grass soup so the army can get another stealth ICBM launching flamethrower tank. Cut military funding and rebuild our schools, hospitals, welfare, and environment... or else!” Upon which he flips open the lid of the lighter threateningly.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nighttime sightings of raccoons sporting Circle-A patches and bandanna masks are on the rise.

2022-02-16 03:00

Dumpster Divers Dividing Denizens

Freegans - people who eat food, wear clothes, and use other goods retrieved from trash bins - have created a big stink across Random Chaos. They’ve especially gotten up the noses of retail business owners, who say the practice pongs. The disputants have dumped themselves in your office, insisting you dispose of the issue.

  1. “Freeganism promotes environmental responsibility by reducing consumption,” says Gaia Gambler Rainbow, while rifling through your waste basket and pocketing a piece of used gum. “Our consumerist economy wastes an obscene amount of natural resources by throwing away perfectly good and usable items! In fact, most food that reaches its ‘sell by’ date is still perfectly safe to eat. Greedy corporate interests are slapping the faces of the poor, the wretched and the needy when you consider how much they waste. The government needs to support freegans, and help us trash waste!”
  2. Ethel McCartney, President of the Random Chaos City Chamber of Commerce, passes around free embossed air fresheners before interjecting. “That smelly anarchist fails to mention the huge mess created by everyone digging around in our dumpsters, which scares away our customers! Eating expired food out of the trash is dangerously unhealthy, not to mention totally gross. Look, the bottom line is we’re losing business because of these vultures. Can you get the police to arrest them? If they want food and clothing, they should have to work hard to buy them like any other Random Chaosian.”
  3. “YO! DOWN HERE!” bellows a voice through your office window. You look down at the street to see Kasper Sorin, a municipal garbage collector. “Look, it ain’t safe to have people diggin’ through dumpsters. But hey, I get it. It ain’t right to have good food thrown away when so many are hungry. YO SAL!” The worker whacks the side of the truck a couple of times, and the compactor inside begins to roar. “Why don’t you boost welfare spendin’, and require shops to donate past-‘sell-by’... wha?... um, but safe goods to food banks? Make ‘em an offer they can’t scrap.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it takes months to get the proper permits for a child's first tricycle.

2022-02-15 21:00

Licensing Driving Random Chaosians Crazy

Your cousin arrived at your office this afternoon, out of breath and deeply frustrated at having to spend day after day filling out forms, only to wait for six hours in a queue to register for another appointment to receive his 27B/6 form to finalize his registration and legally drive the sweet new ride he bought six weeks ago. You’ve agreed, after some persuasion, to hold a meeting with your Minister of Transportation and other experts to look into streamlining the process.

  1. “It’s very important that we get all this information from drivers,” explains Hugo Wells, your Minister of Transportation. “We have to make absolutely sure that our roads are safe, that all drivers are properly licensed, and that cars reported stolen are easily identified. If that means a bit of extra paperwork, so be it. Increase our budget for staff and we’ll be able to expedite the registration process.”
  2. “I have a radical idea,” announces Melania Dimitrov, the CEO of Random Chaos’s largest automobile manufacturer. “Simply license car dealerships to handle these processes for consumers! We can fill out all the necessary insurance paperwork for car owners, and even issue driving permits! The DMV is only slow because it has no competition. If dealerships can compete with one another for the best service, buying and registering a new car won’t be such a frustrating ordeal!”
  3. “Licenses? We don’t need no stinkin’ licenses!” exclaims a scruffy-looking man who took a wrong turn and wandered into your meeting. “Why should the government have any say in who can and can’t drive? Get rid of permits, licenses, traffic cops, borders, barriers, speed limits, road laws, and identification plates, and just let people live their lives!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, birdsong in the mountains has to be loud enough to drown out nearby jackhammers.

2022-02-15 15:00

Sandbagging

A small island has vanished into the sea, farmland was flooded when a river burst its banks, and whole villages have been near-submerged by rising waters. The reason for these floods? Sand mining: billions of tonnes of sand and gravel extracted from rivers, lakes and coastlines.

  1. “We can’t stop the modernisation of Random Chaos,” states Matthew Mountsermon, your Minister of Residential Construction on Aggregates. “These materials are the literal foundation of our economy! If you want buildings and infrastructure, you need sand! Glass, computer chips... sand! Did you know it takes 30,000 tonnes of sand to build just one kilometre of a motorway? Avoiding flooding just takes a little planning, and maybe some concrete barriers. Nothing should hinder the development of Random Chaos!”
  2. “Our addiction to sand is staggering,” declares Dmitri Ruff, your Environment Minister, as he tries to prove how easy it is to reuse everyday objects by cleaning his fingernails with a paper clip. “At first they extracted it from quarries, but when those ran out, they took sand from beaches, then islands, now they’re dredging the seabed. The construction industry needs to be stopped in its tracks. Who needs that much concrete anyway?”
  3. “I’ve got an alternative,” muses passing manual labourer Judi Ambrose, hefting a heavy iron mallet. “Need more sand and gravel? We can make it. Just smash up rocks from hills and mountains. Bash ‘em into pieces! Hammers! Bombs! Giant stompy robots! Wheeeee!” She demonstrates by smashing a marble bust of your predecessor.
  4. “You know where there’s a lot of sand? The desert!” exclaims Noddy Galavan, one of your science advisers, as he stretches some kind of Day-Glo gunk. “True, desert sand is too fine and we haven’t found a way to bond it together yet, but I’m sure if we give it a go, and give it lots of determination and government funding... Yes, we’ll find a way!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, factory workers offered 20-hour shifts are expected to thank their bosses for the wonderful opportunity.

2022-02-15 09:00

Time to Work?

After a tired nurse working a hundred-hour week accidentally gave a series of injections to the wrong patient, there have been calls from some for a maximum number of hours someone can work in a week.

  1. “A rigidly-enforced Working Time Directive should cap anyone from working more than 74 hours 22 minutes per week, with no more than 11.75 hours per shift,” definitively states analyst Socrates Fils-Aimé, presenting you with a stack of hand-written calculations. “This will benefit safety, health, and quality of life, while also creating more jobs within the economy.”
  2. “I wake, I work, I sleep,” sneers multi-millionaire entrepreneur Ashitaka Matsenjwa, attempting to pour himself a cup of coffee from a decorative vase on your desk. “No-one forced me to do this except myself. Turns out though, pushing yourself harder makes you successful. Don’t close the door on opportunity by interfering with people’s working lives. It’s bad for business, and bad for the economy.”
  3. “Let’s strike a reasonable middle ground!” proposes your hyperactive Employment Minister Eve Smithers, striking a ‘middle ground pose’ that involves balancing on one leg while pointing rapidly in multiple directions. “We need a comprehensive review to identify professions where there is risk to the public from long hours, and then create tailored directives for each field of work, and then create allowances for longer weeks followed by time off, and limited opt out clauses for extenuating circumstances, and, and... that sounds fun! Let’s get started!” She skips off, giggling maniacally.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's weary schoolchildren excel at sport but must count scores on their fingers.

2022-02-15 03:00

Teenage Kicks

Dozens of children were seriously injured last week, during Kick a Ginger Day, the traditional start-of-term ritual in which generations of redheaded children at Gambler Lake Secondary School have been attacked by their classmates. The Principal says their staff, notably devoid of redheads, were out to lunch and heard nothing of the rampage. Sensing a photo-op, you have cancelled your Step-Yoga class and headed over to the school to meet the parents.

  1. “THIS IS BULLYING!” yells civil-rights activist and parent of redheaded twins, Rochelle vanStraaten, showing you a photograph of her children in hospital beds. “It is unconscionable for me to even think that my poor daughters were beaten for something they can’t control! All children should be treated equally, regardless of their hair color. What if it was ‘Bash a Blonde Day’? Would that be okay? I say we must take a hard line on all forms of bullying in our schools, and wipe it out: teasing, joking, badinage, poking fun, mockery, harrying, pestering...”
  2. “Bullying? Please! Now what are those liberal ninnies whining about?” scoffs Adele Harker, whose brown-haired son, Paxton, participated in the ritual kicking. “They were foot nudges, uncomfortable for a minute. Two, maybe. Not harmful at all. This is really the erosion of our traditions by the left-wing elite, the suppression of childish high spirits by folks who’d see them become tax-payin’ tree-huggin’ robots. Why, we did it all the time when I was a kid. At the end, all the normal kids give those weird gingers a hearty thump on the back, accepting ‘em as good sports. And they like that. Keep the nanny state out of the playground, and respect our ancient traditions.”
  3. “Rubbish!” snorts Diego Kenobi, an avid gamblerball fan, who is watching the televised play-offs on his Pear Phone Grande and has barely looked at his daughter since he arrived. “Getting kids to be nice, allowing kids to beat each other up. What kids really need is daily contact sports to work off that energy. Once you thrash your opponent on the field, thrashing them with your fist seems kind of pointless. And, there’s another upside. Little Tammy Thompson won’t have the strength to beat-up anyone if she’s spent all day kicking a ball.”
  4. “The obvious solution has been overlooked,” states another parent, programmer Jill ‘Chips’ Wei, who has spent her whole life trying to blend in. “Simply dye everyone’s hair the same colour when they start school. You don’t know what it’s like, Leader. The beating of the drums would start, and then the remorseless chanting, and all the teachers would lock themselves in the staffroom until it was over. To protect children from their playmates’ scorn and savagery, uniformity is the only way.” Paxton Harker’s parent trips her up, and a group of brunette parents guffaw.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, disadvantaged neighbourhoods have become no-go areas after sundown.

2022-02-14 21:00

Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me

In an effort to address a budget shortfall, your Minister for Creative Solutions has proposed to cut expenditure by switching off a number of street lights throughout Random Chaos.

  1. Victoria O'Leary, your Minister for Creative Solutions explains their position. “Let’s face facts, in the current economic climate we need to be sensible with our chips. Those street lights don’t run on thin air you know - and what with the cost of electricity soaring, what other choice do we have? We’re not talking about a total blackout across Random Chaos, just switching off the lighting along some of those less important roads and well... perhaps the ones that don’t contribute so much to society.”
  2. A woman in yoga pants pauses stretching to remark: “Excuse me, do you see what I’ve got going on here? I can’t be walking this down unlit streets at night. I can barely do it in the daytime. Keeping the lights on at all times will make Random Chaos feel safe and welcoming for everyone, not just the heavily armed.” She adjusts her gym bag, which clanks.
  3. Wild-eyed, eccentric gentleman Paddy Moore begs your attention whilst enthusiastically polishing his monocle. “This is fantastic news, but doesn’t go far enough - let’s get rid of ALL those blasted monstrosities for good! Do you realise how difficult it is to spot the rotation of Alderaan’s second moon through all that ghastly light pollution? Of course there will be a few wimps who are scared of the dark - but that’s what candles were invented for!”
  4. “You’re looking at this entirely the wrong way, dear Leader,” interjects Cho Vader from Helios I Energy Corp. “If there’s anything Random Chaos needs, it’s more light, not less! It’s been scientifically proven that more light means a happier, healthier population, reduces crime, and there’s no need to worry about the night shift any more - you can work from dawn until, well, forever!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lawyers turn down litigation cases and corporate work in order to focus on lucrative public defence work.

2022-02-14 15:00

Lawyers on Trial

Notorious gangster Johnny ‘Stab-Stab’ Cartman was recently found ‘not guilty’ on multiple charges leveled against him, despite a broad expectation from citizens and the media that he would be convicted. Experts are saying that the surprising result was the consequence of Johnny hiring the very best private defence lawyers, while the prosecution was led by an inexperienced and overworked public prosecutor who was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open through the case.

  1. “Zzzzzz... Huh? What? Wasafargit blarg?” garbles public prosecutor Ivan Anap, as you nudge him into wakefulness. “Uh... Look, I’ve done a bad job, clearly. But have you seen my case load? I gotta represent the downtrodden masses and the... wossname... penniless crowds. The system deserves more money, so we can get better public servants, and so I can get some... some... slee...” He collapses, face-first onto the floor.
  2. “Don’t mind Rip Van Winkle here,” growls ‘Filthy’ Harold Callahan, a cop with little love for lawyers, kicking the sleeping attorney in the gut. “All these ‘public servants’ are doing is clogging up the system, and keeping justice from being served. I say scrap the system entirely and keep honest taxpayers from paying for the bureaucracy of criminality. Let people hire their fancy-schmancy punk lawyers if they want to, but don’t make ME pay for those bottom-feeding scum. Let’s have less talk and more justice.”
  3. “That’s ridiculous, obviously,” says government minister Justitia Caecus, as she searches for a pair of dropped contact lenses. “Public defenders and prosecutors are obviously something we can’t afford to lose. But why not go further? Why not have every individual be assigned state representation only, regardless of financial standing? That would go a long way toward promoting true justice within our nation. Sure, the lawyers might complain that you’ll be making them public servants on a public service wage, but don’t we care about fairness and justice?”
  4. “But still, it won’t be truly fair, will it?” muses futurist Diana Moon. “Even randomly allocated lawyers will vary in ability. I’ve been reading about something called Vonnegut handicapping: using external devices to create equality of ability. Allow both private and state-funded lawyers, but fit them with a shock collar that gives them distracting electrical shocks throughout a court case. The greater their recorded success rate, the more often they will receive shocks. That way, everyone will eventually receive the same level of expertise in their legal counsel. Flawless logic, correct?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, unused plastic recycling bins are being dumped into landfills by the tonne.

2022-02-14 09:00

One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Recyclable

A recent study by some self-righteous college students revealed that an alarming number of recyclable items are being thrown into the garbage. In order to bring more attention to this issue, a handful of particularly dedicated environmentalists - calling themselves ‘Save Our Trash’ - are camping out in the dumpster behind your home. They claim that they will not leave until the government takes action.

  1. “How can people care so little for Mother Earth?” grouses a grouchy, green-haired man named Oscar, who has taken up residence in one of your trash cans. “The government needs to do a hell of a lot more to inform people about the importance of recycling. You should throw everything you’ve got at the problem: public service announcements, sorting classes for the kids, bins in every conceivable place. You could even fine those lazy people who refuse to properly dispose of recyclables.”
  2. “There’s no reason to punish Random Chaosians when industry bears most of the blame for pollution,” suggests Khethiwe Janssen while struggling to open a hard plastic stay-fresh shell containing a pre-peeled banana. “By taxing inefficient manufacturers for all of this ridiculously excessive packaging, the government could discourage commercial waste and even make itself some money. Hey, an environmentalist policy that generates revenue - now there’s an idea.”
  3. “Meh. Is this really such a big deal?” yawns city worker Boris Pushkin, finishing off his tea in a delicate porcelain cup, before throwing the whole thing into the nearest garbage can. “Being neurotic over trash just makes people unhappy and forces them to feel guilty about shopping. You should actually be encouraging people to throw stuff away without thinking too hard about it - a culture of disposable items drives consumption, which in turn makes for a strong economy. And that’s what matters.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's ambassadors often conduct their business in jail cells.

2022-02-14 03:00

Ambassadors Behaving Madly

The privilege of diplomatic immunity for ambassadors has entered the news after several of them have been caught in unsavory behavior, including drunk driving, fist fights, and the attempted murder of a Brancalandian Member of Parliament. Concerned citizens and outraged foreign nationals have asked your government to step in and bring your ambassadors in line.

  1. “The solution is quite simple,” states your Minister of Foreign Affairs while trying to smooth things over with his Brancalandian counterpart. “Why don’t we simply fire any ambassador who acts like a buffoon? We obviously can’t have our diplomats acting like spoiled children and besmirching our good name. We must replace them with the most upstanding members of society. Problem solved!”
  2. “That still doesn’t change the fact that your ambassador tried to kill one of our MPs!” replies the Brancalandian Foreign Minister, who has started a slap fight with your own Minister of Foreign Affairs. “I demand that all ambassadors have their diplomatic immunity revoked so that we can charge them for all of the crimes they have committed. No person should be above the law! To make it fair, we wouldn’t complain if you also took away immunity from all of the foreign diplomats in Random Chaos.”
  3. “Being a diplomat is so stressful,” complains Eliot Fforde, your former ambassador to Tasmania, who has taken it upon himself to stop the fighting between the two ministers. “You send us off to these dangerous hellholes all across The Hatrackia. Is it any wonder that some of us snap? Our job is to promote the nation’s interests and help find new allies. We need diplomatic immunity to ensure our safety as national envoys, guarantee our freedom of movement, and maybe let off some steam on the weekends. I think a little international embarrassment is a small price to pay for that.”
  4. “Ambassadors! Bah! Who needs them?” questions infamous nationalist and staunch xenophobe Kayla Martinez while giving a salute that makes everyone in the room uncomfortable. “This compulsive need to learn about other countries or grant their diplomats safe passage is very un-Random Chaosian. We’d be much better off keeping to ourselves and not having to worry about these damn foreigners or their opinions on how we conduct our business.”
  5. “Diplomatic immunity, you say?” muses Panu Smit, your Minister of Sycophancy. “Why should this just be limited to ambassadors? It seems to me that if anyone deserves immunity, it’s you. You’re practically a god to these people anyway. You should be able to do whatever you want.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pirates armed with sonar-guided semi-autonomous torpedos and laser weapons systems are often seen capturing fishing trawlers.

2022-02-13 21:00

A Plank Too Far

A diplomatic crisis erupted recently after particularly bloodthirsty Random Chaosian pirates made the entire crew of a captured Macronesian oil tanker walk the plank. Following the incident, Macronesian authorities have declared that they will sink any Random Chaosian vessel that enters their waters until the pirate attacks stop.

  1. “These allegations be scurvy hogwash!” claims Iago Chapman, the pirate quartermaster, wearing a purely decorative eyepatch. “We ran a shot across the bow, but them scallywags aboard the galleon decided to run a rig and fight back, forcing us to give them no quarter. Word has it that the Macronesian navy has assembled themselves a massive armada, and they be wishing to blow our binnacles to the poop deck. Our cannon and cutlasses are no match for their cruise missiles, so we would be thankful if ye could give us more advanced weaponry to stand a chance against these landlubbers. Arrrrr...”
  2. “We’d like to see those rapscallions try,” challenges Melissa Huxley, the Defence Minister of Macronesia, while hoisting the national flag upside-down to signify a state of war. “These cowardly sea barbarians have attacked our defenceless merchant vessels for long enough. Their home ports are in Random Chaos, so you have a moral responsibility to contribute to military efforts to eliminate them, and should pay Macronesia reparations for the harm done to us by Random Chaosian nationals. Never forget that Macronesia rules the waves, and that those who oppose us will meet watery graves!”
  3. “We might have to compromise a little to stay in business,” concedes Tandi Poe, the self-proclaimed ‘Admiral of the Black’, whose operations haven’t been in the black for years. “We should avoid plundering ships from nations with large navies like Macronesia; we don’t want to be bilged on our own anchor after all. However, many other nations - such as Moltovea - lack a proper navy and are easy pickings. You should enforce a rule that prohibits the pillaging of vessels from countries with naval superiority. Just list the nations that have less seapower than us, and we’ll make sure you get your share of the spoils.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's police officers are famously miserable-looking.

2022-02-13 15:00

Essentially on Strike

Disappointed with their current wages and working conditions, disgruntled law enforcement officers have voted for strike action, leaving no one to maintain order. A majority of police officers are now refusing to work until their demands are met, in turn stirring public debate over the ethics of striking by so-called essential workers.

  1. “My daily commute is being blocked by the same people who are supposed to be protecting us,” complains Commodities Analyst Zeke Meyer. “Criminals are running wild! These officers are guilty of gross dereliction of duty, and should be ashamed of themselves. In fact, they should either get back to work, or be fired immediately. Essential workers have no business risking our lives for their own petty financial gain.”
  2. “You’d better believe we’re upset,” snaps Officer Dawa Strange, making no effort to pursue as a pickpocket runs off with your wallet. “We dedicate our lives to keeping the public safe, and must always be vigilant, yet we’re paid ridiculously low wages and get about as much respect as the criminals we bring to justice. We have every right to be striking, just like workers in every other industry. Yes, of course, the country is suffering without our services. That’s the point. That’s why you should grant our requests.”
  3. “Everyone has a right to strike, but everyone also has a right to essential services,” asserts idealistic student and socialist Jenna Caesar. “You just have to make sure that there’s sufficient funding and training for redundancy to exist within the system, so that essential services can cover for each other at times of industrial action. If ambulance crews are on strike, use fire patrol vehicles and police convoys. If the firefighters are on strike, then deploy the army. If the army goes on strike... well, yeah, that’s a toughie. But you get the idea.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, airplane passenger seat sizes and ticket prices are both first-class.

2022-02-13 09:00

Cheek to Cheek

While in Random Chaos City Airport on your way to a major diplomatic summit, you observe a morbidly obese woman arguing with customer service after being charged for two seats because she simply could not fit into one. Unfortunately, in the middle of the kerfuffle she happened to notice you.

  1. “I demand you weigh in on the matter of airline seats!” angrily states the plus-sized woman while waddling into your entourage. “Here’s some food for thought: studies have shown genetics play an over-sized role in a person’s weight. Disability law needs to be expanded to acknowledge this! I may have some love handles, but I’m still just one person. I shouldn’t have to pay for two seats.”
  2. “Although Random Chaosian Air is happy to accommodate all legitimate disabilities,” states Jim Shore, a big shot Random Chaosian Air executive, “obesity simply doesn’t fit the bill. People who can’t squeeze into our seats should examine their life choices. Besides, if Random Chaosian Air just gave complimentary seats to everyone who asked, our profits would fall faster than a plane in a stall.”
  3. “I have an idea!” exclaims Natalie Bender, founder of Walking Big and Tall, an obesity acceptance group. “Why don’t we just force airlines to make their seats a bit wider? That way, everyone can fit in their seats, and we won’t have a problem. I mean, sure there will be lost efficiency as less seats will be able to fit in the cabin, but that’s the price we must pay for equality!”
  4. “We should charge by the kilogram,” suggests Vandal Grossman, who also happens to be a famous horse jockey. “The weight of the plane ultimately determines whether it can take off and how much fuel it consumes. If I get charged for carrying excess baggage on board, it should be the same for people.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Avoided and the Top 5% for Largest Welfare Programs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sermons are regularly interrupted by businessmen taking phone calls.

2022-02-13 03:00

Cathedrals Have Never Been Hotter

During some routine renovations, the ancient Random Chaos City Cathedral caught fire after a worker accidentally knocked a lit candle onto a bundle of rags. Miraculously, the basic structure is intact and plans for rebuilding are already being made. A cadre of building experts have begun to occupy your office, throwing blueprints and sketches onto your desk.

  1. “Leader!” shouts an architect as he pushes through a wall of his colleagues. “While no doubt this is a national tragedy, we have a chance to reinvent and renew that tired building to bring it into the modern age. None of this Gothic drab — sleek and modern is the way to go, reinforced with steel and glass. We can probably fit some office spaces into the spires, with a cafe at the entrance! The building will practically pay for itself!”
  2. “The Random Chaos City Cathedral is a historical wonder and world heritage site!” shrieks a small woman, clawing her way through a sea of civil engineers. “Doing anything else than rebuilding this site exactly as it was, and as the original architects intended, is an insult to our heritage. Don’t rob our children of this piece of Random Chaosian history!”
  3. A terrified intern, who is being used as a battering ram by a gang of city planners, interjects: “I don’t even know what’s going on! Who cares about the stupid cathedral at this point? Can’t the government just re-purpose the site into something we all would enjoy, like a theme park or amusement fair? You don’t even have to build anything — Random Chaosians apparently love trash fires, given that these lunatics still won’t unhand me!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parents live in fear of governmental 'child protection' squads.

2022-02-12 21:00

Spare the Rod, Demand Welfare Activists

The Random Chaos S.P.C.C. has launched a fresh campaign to stop parents from smacking their children. They demand that the government introduce laws to ban this form of ‘corporal punishment’.

  1. Child Psychiatrist, Dr. Clint Hill, speaks at a press conference on the matter: “Parents and teachers must realise that smacking children increases aggressiveness, lowers their self-esteem, and can cause long-term emotional trauma! How can anybody think that it is anything but child abuse? Parents who resort to smacking their children are obviously unfit to be parents at all! We must ban this horrible practice at once!”
  2. “What are these lunatics on about?!” yells Ingrid Pavlov, a concerned parent. “Smacking children has been an effective form of punishment since the dawn of mankind! Outlaw it and I guarantee you the next generation will be a disorderly disaster! Children need, nay CRAVE discipline! Sometimes the only language they understand is the cane, and the government has to respect that!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, concussed gamblerball players cannot remember their lineup position.

2022-02-12 15:00

Brain Pain on the Sports Plain

Gamblerball - a sport that is extremely popular in Random Chaos but not so much anywhere else - is causing a slew of concussions in Random Chaosian schools. Brain trauma from the head-on collisions is causing cognitive problems and - on occasion - deaths.

  1. “You have to stop this madness!” yells Kendall Perkins, the mother of an eighthback for Random Chaos City High School. “My son has received so many concussions that his grades are dropping. To hell with tradition, our children’s fragile brains are more important!”
  2. “Come on, Leader. You’re not actually thinking about this, are you?” says Doris Watterson, PR rep from the Random Chaos City Wyverns, a professional gamblerball team. “I know it’s tough, but without gamblerball in the schools, who will be the great pro athletes of the future? Need I mention that gamblerball is a storied part of Random Chaosian culture dating back generations? You wouldn’t want to mess that up, would you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, doctors accused of having no heart reply that cardiology isn't their speciality.

2022-02-12 09:00

Drug Deal

Preliminary trials of a new immunotherapy drug have suggested that it may achieve remission in bone marrow cancers by up to 28% of formerly untreatable patients. It’s years away from being clinically available, but desperate cancer sufferers are asking for you to expedite this.

  1. “Damn bureaucrats are standing between sick people and life-saving treatment,” complains Sipho Boothroyd, a lobbyist for international pharmaceuticals company Fizer-Updick, pausing for a second as his lawyer whispers something into his ear. “That is to say, these potentially life-saving treatments. Just cut out the red tape, and we can start saving lives. Act now or you will be murdering these poor patients!” His lawyer holds up a hastily-handwritten sign behind the lobbyist’s head observing that statements made may not represent the official opinion of the Fizer-Updick corporation, nor imply an accusation of legal culpability.
  2. “Sorry, this is medical science, not faith healing,” snarls unsympathetic-seeming Dr. Artemis Hanover. “We require multi-phase trials to make sure a medicine is non-toxic, safe in the long term and to make sure it actually really works. It’s a shame that a percentage of the population have to die while we wait, but better to lose a few hundred lives than to compromise scientific integrity. No offence, but these deaths are just unavoidable collateral damage in the war on cancer.”
  3. At this point, you note there’s a perky goth girl with a silver ankh necklace and a swirly tattoo under her right eye in the room. You swear you didn’t see her come in. “Life isn’t measured in years, but in moments. Moments of kindness and connection mean a lot more when death is standing right next to you. Maybe all your doctors could spend more time talking to people instead of thinking about drugs and medicines all the time. You know, listening to their dreams, destinies, desires and deliriums. It’s always good to talk with someone who cares, right at the end.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mysterious black helicopters menace farmers to ensure compliance with straitjacketing agricultural policies.

2022-02-12 03:00

Deserts Devouring Random Chaos’s Countryside

Due to desertification, the transition of habitable land to desert as a result of overcultivation and the increasing degradation of the environment, much of Random Chaos’s once-green rural areas are turning into barren, rocky deserts.

  1. “This is a disaster,” wails Robin Solo, your Minister of the Environment. “We’ve been too lax on letting the agriculture sector overgraze and overcrop our lands and now we’re paying the price. There needs to be some serious cutback on what farmers are allowed to do, or before you know it we’re going to be scaling sand dunes on the way to work.”
  2. “‘Ey there, you stupid townie, what about us?” shouts Farmer’s Union Leader Ásmunda Bowie, waving a pitchfork from atop a combine harvester parked outside. “We’s just goin’ t’ be tole we’re out of a job? Tha’ best way t’ goes about this is t’ promote stuff like that there recyclin’, crop rotatin’, an’ biodiversity, and t’ gives us tha’ subsidies we needs t’ work in ‘armony wi’ mother nature. Desertification ain’t no irreversible thing, an’ claimin’ tha’ land back will be slow and bloody expensive, by thunder. But oi’m sure tha’ taxpayers will be more than ‘appy t’ aid us ‘umble farmers in our plight, and maybe gives us a little more say in things in future, so’s this can’t ‘appen again.”
  3. “Yee-haw, these here deserts are the greatest thang that’s happened in YARS!” drawls noted cowboy Hamish McGraw, twirling his shootin’ irons. “This is just what Random Chaos needs! Just git a stagecoach out har an tha’ foreign types will come a-flockin,’ y’all see if ah’m wrong! We don’t need no fundin’ f’ tha’ environment! Them’s farmers c’n jus’ git minin’ fer GOLD!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, glamping Random Chaosians won't sleep in a tent that doesn't include a Jacuzzi.

2022-02-11 21:00

A Walk in the Park

The Gambler Forest is the largest national park in Random Chaos, but it is rarely visited by Random Chaosians or tourists. Various lobbyists have taken to hassling you about the continued use and purpose of this land.

  1. “Don’t let this poll deceive you; people these days actually yearn for the outdoors,” opines out-of-touch park ranger Vanna Serling. “We just need to totally revamp this park and all the rest of our national forests, campsites, and visitor centers while we’re at it. We’ll start by adding the necessities like luxury cabins, souvenirs, and trees you can drive through! By the time we’re done, people who visit our parks will be able to tell the difference between a Brancalandian noir cedar and a Random Chaosian black cedar!”
  2. “What? And waste all that valuable raw material?” barks your Minister of Land Development, Cassandra Barker. “I’m sure that there are plenty of nations out there that would kill to use our wood to build something. And once the wood is gone, we dig for gold! I just know it’s there somewhere beneath all that tree-covered wasteland. Never mind all that environmental hoopla about polluted water tables; I’m sure you could start giving out filters to the public and they’ll all be fine.”
  3. “I have an... alternative solution,” whispers your Minister of Alternative Solutions, Ayn Contra. “We could use the park to stage international training operations for our allies. I’m sure Marche Blanche would love our aid in developing ‘defensive strategies’ against Marche Noire, and I hear they are willing to pay big chips for the help. We can even keep the park open to the public to show that nothing shady or nefarious is going on. That’s a win-win-win in my book!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, zombie-like crowds of hard drug users stumble through the streets.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

2022-02-11 15:00

Drug Debate Hits the Streets

Tens of thousands of citizens have taken to the streets demanding the right to smoke whatever they want, wherever they want.

  1. “Ever since smoking was banned, I’ve been a gibbering wreck,” laments Sydney Black, handing you a cup of strange-smelling tea. “You just don’t understand - I need to smoke! And sometimes I need to roll a little bit more than tobacco. It’s not a luxury. In a place as depressing as Random Chaos, we should at least be able to have some escape. Even if it does mean escaping to a world full of dancing badgers, talking mushrooms and luminous colors. So please, allow us a bit more freedom to get high.”
  2. “Things are fine just the way they are,” says Detective Bianca Hadfield of the Narcotics Squad. “The laws just need better enforcement - we need harsher punishments, better border controls, more police officers, and some education for youngsters, telling them to just say ‘no’. Do you know how many times I’ve had to bring kids into rehabilitation clinics? Do you know how many kids out there are getting lung cancer? It’s heartbreaking, it really is. We need some more support from the government if we are to reach our goals.”
  3. “Yo mate, c’mon, it’s not just about the crops,” moans a grimy, emaciated man, as he sits slumped on the ground and tugs at your trouser leg. “Some of us like other stuff, ya know, ain’t fair if we can’t hit off that. You gotta decr- decrimi- just make everything OK, yeah? C’mon, I need just one more hit. Just one more. I can handle it man, I CAN HANDLE IT!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government seizes all major gold finds.

2022-02-11 09:00

Diving for Chips

Divers from a local scuba club have discovered an enormous underwater gold deposit that could be worth billions of chips in one of Random Chaos’s lakes. It has also caused a huge debate over who should be allowed to plunder the goods.

  1. Amber Wells, a cabinet member, would like the government to seize the deposit. “This is an excellent time to boost Random Chaos’s economy and increase our foreign trade with other countries! Who cares about the people that discovered the deposit? They’ve done their country a great favor and should let us have the money!”
  2. Elijah Dimitrov, a civil rights activist, vehemently disagrees. “The deposit was found by private citizens and it should be their choice of what to do with the gold. If the government goes around stealing what is rightfully ours, then I shudder to think I live in such a corrupt country. These people discovered the gold; it’s now their time to get rich! Never mind the fact they were diving in a lake on government property!”
  3. “We should do what now?” environmentalist Katniss Lawson exclaims. “Do you have any idea how damaging it would be to the environment to mine the gold under that lake? Think of all the aquatic life that would be disrupted or destroyed! Think of how an otherwise pristine lake view would be ruined! Forget the gold and keep those money-grubbing pigs away from nature!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sports fans complain that cricket tests now last an unbearable ten days.

2022-02-11 03:00

She’s a Keeper

A recent top division women’s football match set the lowest all-time attendance record of just five people.

  1. “Women’s football is losing the federation a lot of money,” sighs Random Chaosian Football Federation president Seth Blather as he polishes his pricey Spinex watch. “It’s a catch-22. No one wants to watch women’s football because it is lower quality, but we can’t invest in player development without a paying audience. The whole industry will collapse without government funding. We’ll use the money to develop grassroots sport, hire professional managers, and fund executive team incentives every time we meet ambitious targets such as doubling attendance in women’s matches. What were the attendance numbers again?”
  2. “The government should discourage girls playing boy sports and the other way around!” suggests an acne-ravaged teenager, who has enough oil on his face to justify an invasion from the United Federation. “For example, football and gamblerball are for men while beach volleyball and foxy boxing are for women. After all, nobody’s going to pay to watch tomboys playing a man’s game or some effeminate blokes throwing around a netball like an idiot.”
  3. “Why don’t we force professional sporting leagues to schedule men’s and women’s doubleheaders for every match?” proposes your Minister of Alternative Solutions, who is scrubbing the office toilet with a sponge attached to a drill after she used your toilet brush as a replacement for a missing door stop. “That way, we’ll fix the attendance problem, men and women can split the revenue equally, and sports fans get double the action! What could go wrong?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military patrols the streets in search of possible secessionists.

2022-02-10 21:00

Random Chaos Is Never Ever Getting Back Together... Like Ever

After a printing error on the official Random Chaosian map left off the tiny Gambler Peninsula, its sole inhabitant, Mike Ronation, declared independence from Random Chaos. Following his arrest of a mailman who failed to enter the “proper customs”, a group of concerned citizens have asked you to address the threat posed by Mr. Ronation. His protest has already spawned several secessionist movements almost overnight.

  1. “Traitor!” roars Xanatos Kamen, a controversial nationalist politician, before screaming a tirade of obscenities. “This is absolutely ludicrous. We have to send a message to people like this Ronation scumbag! You do not secede from Random Chaos. It’s that simple. For the good of our glorious Free Land, we must invade and bomb Ronation’s home. In fact, once this is all over, we should have our military patrol the streets of this great country to send a message to other terrorists who are thinking of doing the same thing. Sure, some people might call this an invasion of freedom of speech, but for the sake of national unity, we must clamp down on the other ingrates following in his footsteps.”
  2. “That won’t be good for PR,” chimes in your spokesperson, Conan Reagan, while drafting your latest speech. “Considering how Mr. Ronation is no longer a part of Random Chaos, he should no longer be entitled to our services. The more humane thing to do would be to ignore him, save for cutting off all essential services like water, electricity, and telecoms. We won’t need to wait long before Mr. Ronation begs us to take him back. We can of course tax the Violet out of him when he returns. That will be much more effective - and cheaper - than sending in the troops. Then the groups he inspired will surely fall back in line!”
  3. “Making him needlessly suffer seems a tad bit extreme,” suggests Mike’s concerned grandmother Daenerys Wright. “Sure, I’m a little upset that Mike doesn’t want to be part of our wonderful country and that he tried to snap that mailman’s neck, but you have to look at it from both perspectives. If the government wants to win back Mike and the secessionists he instigated, they could start by allowing greater autonomy to regions that want it. I’m sure that Mikey will gladly return to us if you show a little love and understanding.”
  4. “The government can suck up to Mike as much as it wants, but it won’t change a thing,” rebuffs Jacques Strap, leader of a secessionist movement inspired by Mike Ronation’s protest. “There is no excuse for the government to be treating Mike as a criminal when he has done nothing wrong. The government needs to leave him alone. In fact, the government should allow anyone to separate from Random Chaos, so we can finally be free from the oppressive force of big government.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, crocodile roadkill is smeared across the asphalt of the new Formula One track.

2022-02-10 15:00

Grand Prix de Random Chaos?

FeAR, the Federation of Automobile Racing, has suggested to you that Random Chaos would be a great site for a World Championship F1 Grand Prix circuit. The only problem is that you don’t have a racetrack built.

  1. Alexis Lefévre, head of the Grand Prix governing body, suggests the construction of a new top-end racing facility in largely uninhabited swampland in the east of your nation. “It’ll be a boost to tourism and the broader economy in Random Chaos, and it’ll bring this whole dreary swampland area to life!” He stamps emphatically on a nearby swamp frog, to emphasise his point. “Now, if you have the time, I have some contracts for you to consider with regards to construction, event management, and security firms, all with reputable, established companies and firms that I can vouch for personally...”
  2. “Grand Prix racing is completely unrelated to what happens with road cars,” argues Ruri Hoshino, CEO of Kadai Engineering Automotive Firm Incorporated, “but sports car racing drives forward automotive technology. Say no to the Grand Prix, and instead let the World Sports Prototype Championship hold round-the-clock endurance races at a stadium that we’ll happily foot the bill for. All you need to do is repeal some crazy noise and air pollution laws. Sure, it may not be as glamorous, but it’ll let us show off our wares and will encourage engineering innovation.”
  3. “Why are these petrolheads so obsessed with auto racing anyway?” asks migraine-suffering riding enthusiast Aria Popov, from the back of a stallion that has just evacuated manure onto the pavement. “It’s just noise, smelly fumes and testosterone! Ban motor racing, and invest that pot of money into equestrianism. It’s a genteel racing event for a civilised society.” Her horse glares at you threateningly, as if to support the argument.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a speech a day keeps climate change away.

2022-02-10 09:00

The Melting Point

The thousand-year-old Gamblerfoot Glacier, located in northern Random Chaos, served as a natural dam for the Gambler Lake. Yesterday it broke open, causing the lake’s contents to rush out into the valley below, destroying the downstream ecosystem and a nearby town.

  1. “This disaster is just another example of how human-accelerated climate change is destroying the natural world!” exclaims environmental activist Anakin Bond, slowly heating up in anger. “Cars, factories, and excessive flatulence cause glaciers like the Gamblerfoot to melt prematurely! Soon, these beauties will be all but gone. Leader, you have to do something — speeches, environmental regulations, anything to stop the rising temperatures! Every person in Random Chaos has to know the consequences of their carelessness!”
  2. “Oh get out of here you whining hippy!” grumbles Ellie Han as she pushes her way into the room. “My town was flooded and my swimming pool was destroyed in this disaster. People may go homeless for who knows how long! Violet’s sake, your first priority should be to us, the average Random Chaosian, not some nonsense tree-loving wacko! Ensure that our tax chips are going right back towards rebuilding affected homes and businesses.”
  3. “It’s your own fault that you built a town smack-dab in the center of a potential flood pathway,” sighs self-described “preventionist” Judas North as he emerges from the floor in mining gear. “Since we don’t allow dams in this nation, all areas within a seventeen-mile proximity of a glacier are in danger of flooding! Really, most of Random Chaos is vulnerable to some watery hazard, like the giant waterfall only a few miles from Random Chaos City. Let’s build dikes, dams, and drainage channels until all of the water is safely contained behind our man-made barriers. I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a map for you.” He shows you a map with an uncountable number of marks on it. “See here, here, here and here...”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tumbleweeds are seen blowing through the nation's airspace.

2022-02-10 03:00

Flight 201: An Airspace Oddity

Last night, while flying through the airspace of oft-adversarial Blackacre, Air Random Chaos Flight 201 was forced to land at a rural airport because of a supposed bomb threat warning. Once the plane had landed, waiting Blackacrean police boarded and while “searching for the bomb” hastily removed two journalists who were passengers, wanted by Blackacre for writing articles critical of their totalitarian government. They were arrested, and are now in a Blackacrean jail, facing lifetime imprisonment and possible torture and execution.

  1. “It’s nothing more than a state-sanctioned hijacking!” sobs the flight’s distraught pilot, sipping on a cup of hot cocoa. “I knew that bomb threat was bogus, but under threat of violence I had no choice but to land! Unless you want this happening again, we need an immediate, total flight ban: none of our planes in their airspace, and no more of theirs in ours either. I bet we could even persuade the rest of The Hatrackia to follow suit.”
  2. “Flight bans?” your Air Force Chief of Staff scoffs sardonically. “Sorry to break it to you, but diplomacy isn’t going to get those journalists home. Everyone knows the first rule of war is to respond to any act of aggression with the next level of escalation. We should continue to send Random Chaosian flights through their airspace, but we should ignore any direction to land, and have fighters ready to scramble near the Blackacrean border, to show we mean business!”
  3. Your office phone rings and, surprisingly, the Blackacrean foreign minister is on the other end of the line. “You lot should be thanking us! Those two repugnant terrorists — who, I should remind you, are not Random Chaosian citizens and who are wanted criminals in Blackacre — are now safely behind bars, where they belong! Respect the sovereignty of our airspace, and issue a statement confirming that we were within our rights to act as we did.”
  4. “I think what the Blackacreans did is genius,” shrewdly remarks your new office intern, handing you a bulky folder of freshly printed documents. “This here is a list of every foreign journalist who has dared to write a critical piece on your benevolent regime. The ones who have flights booked over Random Chaosian airspace for the next few months are highlighted, and I’ve already got the number for air traffic control saved right here on my speed dial. Just say the word; I’ll take care of the rest.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, door-to-door salesmen are frequently beaten up by 'vigilantes'.

2022-02-09 21:00

Put the Phone Down on Cold Calling?

A growing group of Random Chaos’s citizens are battling for an end to unrequested solicitations from salesmen.

  1. “This has to stop,” says mild-mannered parent Amelia Chandra. “My family can’t even have dinner without being interrupted at least five times by telemarketers or door-to-door salesmen! My privacy is being invaded! The government ought to ban all forms of unrequested solicitations from salespeople. The sanity of the populace is at stake here!”
  2. “This must be a joke,” retorts insurance sales solicitor Elmo Huxley, in between cold calls. “Telemarketing and door-to-door sales are some of the most effective methods of increasing revenues. Banning them would be a huge blow to business, and put thousands of workers out of their jobs! Let’s face the facts - Random Chaos needs an economy, and banning cold calls isn’t the best of ways to improve it! One way you could improve it would be to, say, give us some government funds. For the sake of Random Chaos, of course.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, companies are turning to trained gamblers for their most menial jobs.

2022-02-09 15:00

No Vocation Without Remuneration

Labor organizations are outraged by the practice of unpaid internships following the death of a student intern who worked hundred-hour weeks, desperately trying to get ahead in the finance industry. The unions are demanding the end of unpaid employment.

  1. “I can’t believe the government is allowing this barbaric practice to continue in Random Chaos!” shouts student union leader Gabriel Huffington into a megaphone. “We work long hours doing tedious work for no pay. It’s pure corporate exploitation. I’d hardly call alphabetizing papers or washing a CEO’s feet valuable work experience. The government must put an end to this horrendous scam!”
  2. “You can’t seriously be considering this nonsense?” gasps tourism CEO Emmanuel Phillips as he plucks grapes from a silver platter held by a disgruntled female intern. “We provide our sla- I mean interns with the most glamorous work that the industry has to offer. They are a great asset to our company. Sure, they might not get paid, but we offer them valuable work experience that they can’t get anywhere else. And if they work hard, we even give them a reference. What’s wrong with that?”
  3. “Why bother with internships at all?” muses Rinzi Weasley, an economics advisor, while lazily checking stock options. “The real solution would be to abolish all labor and workers’ rights laws and allow each company to set their own standards. Then you’ll see what jobs are really worth in Random Chaos. Without these labor restrictions, workers can freely find a workplace that offers better pay, and dumb loopholes like internships and worker’s comp will be a thing of the past.”
  4. “MORE deregulation?” snaps Abraham deJong, your student intern, for once taking a break from filing your papers. “As if Random Chaos wasn’t capitalist enough. Fixing economic exploitation is going to take a lot more than outlawing internships. Stop the bourgeoisie from leeching off of everyone’s labor, and us workers could finally go to work knowing our hours of toil were actually building society. If you cared about anyone besides the rich, you’d nationalize the economy post-haste.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians preface their speeches with a declaration that any resemblance to speeches given by individuals living or dead is purely coincidental.

2022-02-09 09:00

Use Your Words

Shortly after your Finance Minister delivered a rousing speech to shore up support for your latest budget, it was discovered that the majority of the speech was plagiarized from a popular Brancalandian economist.

  1. “Schools have expelled students for plagiarism; the same rules should apply to the highest offices of the land,” notes Random Chaosian Language Professor Kellyanne Woolf, looking over a transcript of your latest speech. “Plagiarism is essentially theft, and we ought to take a tougher stance. The Minister should be sacked! Besides, it hardly looks good on you when supposedly expert cabinet ministers are caught stealing content from a second-rate Brancalandian economist.” She finishes reading your speech. “Hmm, this speech seems awfully familiar to the one that leader made in that alien invasion movie.”
  2. “So what if my speech was similar to what some hack economist wrote?” questions your Finance Minister, who hasn’t been seen since the speech. “People enjoyed the speech, and support for the budget had gone up! Of course those polls were taken before this so-called scandal, but that’s beside the point! People are making way too big a deal of this when there are way more important things for them to be worried about like, um, so how about them...” He trails off. “Let’s just ride this out and people will forget about it. At least until the next scandal.”
  3. “And what kind of message does that send to children?” scolds your personal assistant while tsking the Finance Minister. “It seems to me that the problem is the lack of competent speechwriters. Why not invest in the administrative budget so we can hire some quality people? It may cost an extra chip or two, but it’s better than being embarrassed by discount writers who think that Twilight is the height of literary genius.”
  4. “You could at least acknowledge me if you’re going to use my work,” sighs Pax Edwards, the Brancalandian economist, after wandering away from a tour group. “Or better yet, you could pay me to use my work. Us economists aren’t exactly rolling in the dough, you know!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, on graduation day the hats thrown in the air fly high enough to stun passing pigeons.

2022-02-09 03:00

Varsity Blues

After a group of colleges announced their intentions to establish student athletic programs and a fully-operating league, Random Chaos has been swept up in a wave of pep rallies and vigorous debate.

  1. “This gets an A from me,” says Vodalus Ripley, self-proclaimed President of the Random Chaos College Athletics Association, while admiring some practicing footballers. “Allowing students to exercise their body as well as their mind prepares them for a fit and healthy life and makes them much more attractive candidates when seeking a job. After all, who wouldn’t want to draft a fit and muscular student?”
  2. “We’re not here to ogle over a bunch of dumb jocks,” flatly states Cato Zhu, an undergraduate studying for a degree in public speaking. “This is merely a waste of money that would be much better spent on expanding libraries and academic facilities for all students. Why should we fritter away money on funding athletic programs when students can just as well achieve the same goals of exercise on their own? We must make sure that this trend is stopped dead in its tracks.”
  3. “I say, old sport, these fellows do have interesting proposals, but I have a much better idea!” proclaims Heidi Fforde, who waves around a fencing sword for dramatic effect. “We should leave money and professionalization out of all matters regarding sport. The very ideal of athletics is to play for the passion and romance of the game, not for petty paychecks or incentives.” She adds a flourish that forces you to duck out of the way of the sword.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, travelers often bring empty plastic bottles on Air Random Chaos flights to avoid the pay lavatories.

2022-02-08 22:00

The Plane Truth

You’ve just returned from a pleasant “diplomatic summit” on the tropical island nation of East Calypso. As your plane approaches Random Chaos City Airport, bright sunlight glimmers upon the foreign names and insignia on a variety of parked aircraft. Eventually, you see a few shabby tail fins with the Air Random Chaos logo. The woeful assortment of filthy fuselages and peeling paint barely looks airworthy. Is the national airline truly that pathetic?

  1. While waiting for the airplane to reach the gate, you receive a call from Bryan Ringham, a management consultant and frequent flier. He doesn’t waste time with chitchat. “Did you know that overhead at Air Random Chaos has seen a 380% increase over the last ten years? They won’t be competitive with numbers like that. You could help them by eliminating all regulations that prevent airlines from charging for extra services such as seat reservations, checked bags, and clean drinking water. We can have a nice, lucrative budget airline here — and maybe even create some revenue for the shareholders!”
  2. As you disembark and enter the airport, you run into a group of flight attendants who are wearing the national airline’s uniform and carrying protest signs. Their leader approaches you. “Your Excellency! Our working conditions are appalling. Air Random Chaos will never be able to improve if we’re all working sixty hours a week for the industry’s worst wages. Anyone who can get a better job with one of the foreign competitors like Maxay Pacific or Althaniq Airways has already left. Decreased hours and improved pay would do wonders for morale — meaning that we could serve the passengers better, of course.”
  3. Following this confrontation, your security detail ushers you through an employee break area to bypass the crowds. However, you are soon ambushed by airline manager Gordon Aileron, who appears to have packed his lunch in an airsickness bag. “Why don’t we just ban all the foreign airlines?” he declares, while still chewing his food. “All of these outsiders are taking our people’s money and sending it to our enemies! A true patriot only flies Air Random Chaos, no matter how lousy the service is or how many times we skip routine maintenance— er, I mean, skip the needless luxuries. Without any foreign competition, we could keep every last chip within our borders.”
  4. Later, FlyerChat forum moderator ‘Queen of the Skies’ sends you a private message. “Air Random Chaos has nothing but disregard for its loyal passengers. First of all, the frequent flyer miles are useless. My most recent valuation puts them at only one-thousandth of a chip. Award availability is terrible, even with zirconium status. And don’t get me started on the atrocious brand of caviar they serve in first class! This needs to be an airline that cares about its passengers, even if that requires huge government subsidies to bring it up to par. The first order of business is to change the elite mileage ratios to— hold on, I’ve got another troll who keeps calling us a bunch of nerds. Let the banning commence!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, taxi drivers seem less xenophobic these days.

2022-02-08 15:00

The Fast and the Fossilized

In the past few months, there have been a series of high-profile car accidents involving elderly citizens.

  1. “I’ve had it with the elderly!” roars angry motorist Tendi Bishop, whose car recently lost a wing mirror to a near-blind senior. “It’s high time the government did something about this! Make all the elderly citizens retake their driving tests every five years from age sixty, so that granddad doesn’t go killing someone his old eyes can’t even see!”
  2. “Now you listen here, dearie,” interjects your aged grandmother, who has complained her way past your receptionists and guards. “I didn’t work my stockings off when I was younger just so I could have my rights taken away! Your grandfather fought in a war back in... in... or maybe he didn’t, I can’t remember. Anyway, you’ve got to show some respect for my generation! Do it for Granny, won’t you?”
  3. “Oi, let me talk!” yells Dan Jerrus, a youth who recently drove his hatchback into the back of a sharply-braking nonagenarian’s camper van. “These old crones shouldn’t be allowed on the road, full stop. Just look what they did to my car! You should ban anyone over the age of fifty from driving. Leave the roads to responsible younger people.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there are no more heroes any more.

2022-02-08 09:00

Hero to Zero

Universally-adored sportsman Lancelot Hume has been a national treasure for years, not only for his philanthropic initiatives to “get tykes off the street, and onto the playing field”, but also for his best-selling sports books, TV appearances and social campaigns. But his good-guy reputation is being thrown into question by new evidence that he paid for and slept with a sex worker who had formerly attended one of his “Sport for Change” camps.

  1. “Look, I’m a patriot and I know that Lancelot has been an incredible force for good,” suggests the pragmatic police detective who assembled the evidence. “This is about more than one person. It’s about Random Chaosians standing behind a great man, the societal benefits of a patriotic citizenry, and the utilitarian greater good from saving the career of a true philanthropist. If we have a quiet word with him to clean up his life, we can bury the scandal and all keep cheering for our hero. Plus, he’ll know that he owes us one.”
  2. “Truth can hurt sometimes,” counters ethically-minded junior minister Fumiko Picard. “Indeed, not only should we let this story get out, we should also prosecute this policeman for trying to pervert the course of justice. We must support a transparent society: if a hero turns out to be a zero, then that hero has to fall.”
  3. “There’s more than one way to bury a story,” suggests spin doctor Leandro Weatherhead. “Let the press run the story, but also create a fast news day to make it inconsequential in comparison. I suggest we use this opportunity to showcase those new air-cavalry attack helicopters we’ve been considering buying, do some circle fly-bys around the city and have a parade, and I don’t know, celebratory currant buns or something. The shows will distract the people and keep them happy, and the fallen hero story can be buried in the buzz.”
  4. “So he used a sex worker, big deal,” laughs Hayao Delauter, Minister of Special Relationships. “So she used to be on one of his courses. So he personally counselled her in one-on-one sessions just a month earlier. So he had access to her mental health records. So he was a sort of father figure to her. SO WHAT? This was an agreed transaction between two consenting adults. You should be supporting his actions publicly, and saying that his sex life is his own business.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, debates on whether toilet seats should be left up or down are increasingly commonplace.

2022-02-08 03:00

Leader, Let Your People Go!

Tragedy struck last Friday when police had to be called to a pop concert when the queue for the women’s washroom devolved first into squabbles, then a violent free-for-all, as desperate female fans fought to get to the front.

  1. “Women being forced to wait is... is... just another form of sexism,” complains Fanny Peasmore, a cross-legged concert-goer, with strained emphasis. “By forcing businesses and old stadiums to accommodate more… more… ah, people in women’s washrooms, we can finally realise a fairer, more equal experience at the wash- SPEED IT UP, GRANS, SOME OF US HAVE GOT TO GO!”
  2. “What a load of sh-” starts Boutros Weasley, a controversial heavy metal singer, before being interrupted by the concert-goer elbowing her way past him with a desperate look on her face. “Look, if they don’t like having to wait for the loo they can always bring their ‘business’ elsewhere. It’s a free market. Nobody is forcing them folks to go there. One washroom for each gender. Fair is fair if fair is fair, am I right?”
  3. “One washroom is fine, sweeties, but why all this fuss over artificial categories?” asks Mx. deGroot, looking great in a fetching tuxedo and miniskirt combo. “Just take off the boy and girl signs on the doors, and be gender fluid about where you pass your fluids. Where would you be without me, darling?”
  4. “Oh wow, I really feel for these girls!” says Gregg, one of the five singers from boy band ‘The Unattended Gents’, whose pop concert was so tumultuous. “It’s our fault, for sure. I’ve written a song all about how sorry we are, and the gentle massage I’m gonna give those girls to make up for it. But hey, I know how we can fix this. Let’s have every visit to the little lady’s room cost 1 chip, then those queues will be a thing of the past. We can all be happy together, forever.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ambulances aren't allowed to overtake hearses.

2022-02-07 21:00

Gonna Take My Hearse to the Old Town Road

A hundred-car funeral procession happened to be passing by the Random Chaos City stadium just after the final game of the national Gamblerball Cup. The resulting massive traffic jam lasted for the rest of the day and blocked roads in most of downtown Random Chaos City.

  1. “The funeral procession only blocked traffic because rude sports fans weren’t giving them right of way,” complains undertaker ‘Hit-and-Run’ Thomas. “If funeral processions were given absolute traffic priority, then the problem would be solved.”
  2. “The funeral was responsible for the traffic!” shouts angry sports fan Bob Vargas while making threatening gestures with a gamblerball bat. “If they hadn’t been moving at walking pace, there would have been no congestion. They should be expected to drive at the same speed as normal traffic, and there ought to be a maximum of five vehicles in a procession. In fact, if the dead were moved in vans instead of hearses, then nobody would feel the need to treat them differently on the road.”
  3. “It seems to me that the problem is traffic in general,” states your transportation minister while doodling a skull and crossbones on a subway map. “Why don’t you just build public transit systems from the funeral homes to graveyards? Or you could replace the bike holders on buses with coffin holders. Oh, and more buses and trains for living people too, that’s probably a good idea.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader lives life on the open road - complete with groupies.

2022-02-07 15:00

Making a House a Home

After the street outside your personal residence proved incapable of handling a diplomatic motorcade and Random Chaos’s biggest house party at the same time, your Foreign Minister has suggested that the state procure and maintain an official residence for you to live in.

  1. “It is absolutely essential that you have a home away from home,” insists your Foreign Minister, pointing excitedly at an interior design magazine from before you were born. “Imagine if the ambassador had been run over by that party bus! An official residence would keep you and your honoured guests safe from the hooligans, the thugs, and the public. In fact, we can turn the residence into a Museum of Random Chaos’s History, with a veritable cornucopia of cultural artifacts on display. It would be a perfect reconstruction of our glory days and as an added bonus, the police can keep the kids off your lawn.”
  2. “Oh, please. I’m all for keeping government out of the bedroom, and that counts doubly for yours,” snarls libertarian and small-government proponent, Agatha Jobrani, who gets worked up if the government so much as fixes a pothole. “You can drive, or take a cab, or hire a personal bus at your own cost. A house shouldn’t be any different. Since when should the taxpayers be asked to foot the bill when half of us don’t even like you? If you want to be taken seriously, go and rent an apartment in Random Chaos City with a couple of roommates. Leave us taxpayers out of it, okay?”
  3. “I’m with the anarchist, I want no part in building your ivory tower!” declares decentralization activist, Matt Quayle, founder of several, competing local governance associations. “What you need is to really get out there and see all that Random Chaos has to offer. You need an official, open, and accessible residence. Why not get yourself a mobile home and tour it around the country, town by town, like a rock star? You aren’t too good to talk to us commoners, you know - if anything, it’s the other way around!” He spits on your desk and turns his back on you.
  4. “Don’t listen to that traitorous anarchist!” pipes up your lazy, entitled niece who just woke up from a nap on your couch. “Of course you need a personal residence, for you and your family! Imagine a grand castle, complete with servants, a hedge maze, and massive golden statues of yourself! Your home would be the envy of leaders across The Hatrackia, and anybody who complains can be thrown in the dungeons for our amusement. Just bulldoze a forest somewhere and start construction NOW!”
  5. “Come on, the ambassadors love my mojitos!” drawls your neighbour, and now-legendary party host, Judi Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff. “What if, like, your current digs were just a bit more open? You wouldn’t need an official residence. We’d just use your place! My home is your home, and I’m sure all the fun people of Random Chaos would love to party with those foreign dignitaries of yours. Besides, I’m sure a few drunken ambassadors would spill out our enemies’ secrets, am I right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government recently donated a surfboard to an impoverished family in a landlocked region.

2022-02-07 09:00

The Forbidden Fruit

The Prime Minister of the massive agricultural nation of Ausblic has sent you a rather unconventional gift: five thousand fruit baskets worth 100 chips each. Now, crates of fruit baskets occupy almost all available space in your office.

  1. “Do you like our gift, Leader?” enquires the Prime Minister of Ausblic, Elaine King, wandering through the maze of fruit baskets only to find your face hidden by a huge pineapple. “We wish to improve ties with Random Chaos, and what better way than by offering a sample of Ausblic’s main export? If you can’t finish eating all five thousand baskets worth of fruit, I’m sure that you could sell some of them back to the market with a significant markup. Just a suggestion.”
  2. “Nice try, but our leader is incorruptible!” snarls your devoted Home Secretary Jiang Rodriguez, his Leader is Love, Leader is Life T-shirt visible through his shirt. “We must destroy all of these odious offerings, and show that we have zero tolerance of graft. Harsh punishments must be given to anyone who tries to bribe government officials. Only then will our glorious nation be free of corruption!”
  3. “That’s taking it a little too far,” states Natalie Zukerburg, the Minister of the Middle Ground, who is standing between the previous two speakers to keep them apart. “We could permit politicians to receive small gifts, inconsequential sums totalling a maximum of 50 chips per person, per annum. Any previous gifts received that are worth more than the amount stated, like those fruit baskets, should be donated to charity. Imagine the needy people of Random Chaos, delightedly waiting for succour as you donate all the things you don’t even need.”
  4. “What you call bribes, I call political donations,” divulges politician Vandal Fils-Aimé, who hefts a suitcase that is bursting with cash. “Getting into public office takes millions of chips, and the average citizen cannot afford to do so. If you make it easier for politicians to receive donations from generous benefactors, you could bring equality to politics and give even the most disadvantaged candidates a fighting chance, regardless of their financial standing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, barbed wire entanglements and guard towers surround the Random Chaos City Natural History Museum.

2022-02-07 04:00

No Bones About It

A group of religious fanatics have broken into the Random Chaos City Natural History Museum and destroyed a 75 million-year-old Gorgosaurus skeleton - the only one of its kind in Random Chaos.

  1. “Those maniacs! They blew it all up! Damn them!” wails Dr. Alana Grant, pop-palaeontologist and author of the dubiously-researched Tyrannosaurs of the Jurassic, falling to her knees in horror. “Skeletons like this one provide rare and valuable insight about the history of life on our planet. We must do everything we can to stop these fools from destroying important scientific artifacts! Fortify and defend our museums, by violent means if necessary!”
  2. Dr. Maurice Zaius, self proclaimed defender of the faith, slams his religion’s holy scrolls down on your desk, smashing your collection of rare ammonites. “These devout believers were doing the work of the Divine! These demon-lizards are fakes, from the depths of damnation! They are fabrications, to promote the ungodly theory that I call EVIL-lution. We should shut down these houses of lies that call themselves museums, and instead create temples that teach only Holy Truth. Sic semper tyrannosaurus!”
  3. Mathematician Yuri Gambler, wearing a #notallpriests T-shirt, has the decency to look embarrassed by the previous speaker. “I’m thinking the underlying problem here is that followers of science and religion are always taught to be adversarial to each other. Couldn’t we address that instead, with government-sponsored Faith Academies reconciling the scientific method with theological debate? Many of the greatest advancements were historically made by faith-led nations. Shall we see if we can join them?”
  4. “I’m kind of not seeing the big deal here,” says dino-wrangler Ewen Grady, riding an impressively large and flatulent Pentaceratops into your presence. “I mean, it’s just a theropod skeleton. We got a few living and breathing theros, including some of this species. Tell you what, boss, I’ll donate the museum some new bones, and in return maybe you can subsidise our Apatosaurus ranch?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, voodoo economists believe that feeding criminals to volcanoes will bring untold riches to Random Chaos.

2022-02-06 21:00

The Violet Mile

With an increasing number of inmates on death row, more commonly referred to as The Violet Mile, concerned experts from all walks of life have asked you about which method of capital punishment is the best to use on Random Chaos’s felons.

  1. “Lethal injection is by far the most cost-efficient and clean method of execution,” suggests Venus Cole, a wild-eyed and grey-haired military scientist who looks as if she hasn’t slept in twenty years. “Also, if we’re disposing of these worthless criminals, we may as well test out some of the more ‘experimental’ lethal chemicals that our R&D department is working on. They’ll require some tweaking to get right, but these scumbags are dead men walking anyway, right?”
  2. “What’s wrong with a good, old-fashioned hanging?” proposes Bhooshit Kardashian, a historical reenactor dressed in a period-accurate Random Chaosian War infantry uniform. “We can hang the criminals in the town square, right in front of the watchful eyes of the public. We could even encourage fruits and vegetables to be thrown at ‘em as they swing! Ah, it’ll be a fine public spectacle, and a grand deterrent too!”
  3. “You know, as much as we like to disavow less advanced cultures as ‘primitive’, I think they have some right ideas,” comments big game hunter Fumiko Reid, who recently returned from a safari in more savage lands. “I visited a tribe who execute troublemakers and the occasional sacrificial virgin by throwing them into an active volcano. They say it pleases the gods, and keeps disaster at bay. Sounds like a sensible plan to me.”
  4. “How about a method that’s fun for viewers, and gives criminals a chance to earn a pardon?” asks sleazy reality show producer Ian Killdamon. “We could place the criminals on an island, each with a weapon, and tell them they have 24 hours to kill each other. The sole survivor would then win his or her freedom. We could broadcast this battle royale live, and the ratings would be through the roof!”
  5. “Maybe we should aim to be as humane as possible when we take life?” asks butcher Rinzi Xavier, wiping his work knives clean on his apron. “We got bolt guns we use in the slaughterhouses. BAM. One bolt, one kill. Fast, effective, only a little messy.” He looks down at a circle of splattered mess on the floor. “Is anyone else getting hungry talking about this?”
  6. “Kill the death penalty!” chants activist Rory Elgar, bursting out of a hiding place in your stationery cupboard. “Cull government sanctioned murder! Destroy these needless acts of revenge violence! An eye for an eye makes the world go blind!” The intruder pokes your security guard in the peepers with a pencil, then flees the room.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ice-filled coffins are ominously positioned in the corner of every hospital ward.

2022-02-06 15:00

A Bone to Pick

Acclaimed yet controversial thespian Eduardo deCastro elicited shock (and not coincidentally, more than a little publicity) after performing Hamlet with the severed head of his recently deceased uncle taking the role of ‘Yorick’ in lieu of the usual fake skull. A debate has begun over proper respect for human remains, and whether the general public should be allowed to own them.

  1. “DAH-ling, when I play the Oedipal Prince I want your rapt attention!” explains the pretentious actor, shaking his uncle’s left femur at you for emphasis. “Did not the jester’s head held aloft in my hand both capture and captivate your gaze? Was I not momentarily a solitary tableau vivant to behold and admire? A replica would have lacked authenticity, and the Art demands authenticity! Owning human bones should be perfectly legal for all, as should gathering any unclaimed remains. My wondrous panoply of accoutrements is not complete without these fragments of mortality!”
  2. “I agree that owning cadavers should be legal, but it should be restricted solely to members of the medical and scientific community with stringent regulations to establish proper consent and to safeguard the proper use of the remains,” recommends Prathik Lane, a medical student and keen anatomist. “Human specimens are needed by archaeologists, doctors, transplant surgeons, researchers and the like. Letting a liver rot underground is just a waste.”
  3. “What you people are failing to see is the enormous market gap!” giddily giggles entrepreneur Willow Ruff, gesturing and gesticulating at a nearby graveyard. “There’s a fortune of chips here in buried treasure! Let people pre-sell their future remains to forward-thinking companies, or let relatives do the same with the recently deceased, and we can turn cold stiff bodies into cold hard cash! Everybody with any body wins! The bereaved can dry their tears with banknotes, while we make accessories from real human ivory, and handbags from the finest human leather! Hmm... Leader, has anyone ever told you what lovely skin you have?”
  4. “HERESY!” screams Really Revered Reverend Coraline al-Zahawi, who claims to be an ordained cleric of a religion you’ve never heard of. “Have all of you lost your minds? Do you understand what you are saying? When people die, they must be respectfully buried whole, otherwise in the afterlife they will be fragmented! Would you like to spend all eternity as a pile of loose body parts? I’m sure I wouldn’t! Do you want the restless shades of the dismembered haunting you? I’m sure I don’t! The dead must be allowed rest in peace, not pieces!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, college athletes are arrested for selling lemonade.

2022-02-06 09:00

Amateur Hour

The Random Chaos College Sports Association has a long-standing policy that collegiate athletes do not get paid. Several high-profile players have taken to camping out in the student loan office until their grievances are addressed.

  1. “Our team brings zillions of chips to campus,” notes Malon Lowe, a member of the University of Random Chaos gamblerball team. “We put our blood, sweat, and tears into representing this school, and we don’t even get compensation for our work! Give us a share of the wealth we create, so we can pay for tuition, books, and alco... well, all the necessities.”
  2. “Kids these days,” trails off Sayid Silk, an executive of the RCCSA, struggling to remember his talking point. “I mean to say, they’re already being paid in scholarships! Elite athletes will have plenty of time to profit from their talents once their school days are over, so don’t let scholarship recipients be distracted by monetization. They need to stay focused on earning their degrees.”
  3. “Not all sports are equally profitable,” says snow volleyball player Anakin Bennett, taking a break from practice. “Professionalizing collegiate athletes would let popular gamblerball players like Lowe make bank while programs like mine fall by the wayside. Random Chaos should enforce a code of amateurism in all its sports, on campus or off. It’s the only way to be fair.”
  4. “Who let all these jocks on campus?” questions Ellie Grossweiner, an honors student at the University of Random Chaos City. “The point of higher education is to pursue knowledge and prepare for your career, not watching your sweaty classmates fight over their balls. Let’s do away with college sports entirely and reaffirm our commitment to what university is really about: learning, research, and pursuing hot co-eds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dog owners proudly declare that their pups can predict when the mailman will arrive.

2022-02-06 03:00

Fishy Predictions

The Football Federation Global Cup tournament is in full swing and Random Chaosians everywhere have been delighted by the psychic abilities of Pepe the Porpoise, an “animal oracle” resident at Random Chaos City Zoo. This purported precognitive has — so far — perfectly predicted the winner in every tournament fixture. However, controversy arose yesterday when the animal tipped Random Chaos to lose against Skandilund in the quarter-final.

  1. “How dare that porpoise think that Random Chaos could possibly lose to a bunch of sauna-loving, herring-eating liberals who spend half the year in total sunlight and the other half in complete darkness?” fumes Luke Merkel, your most patriotic advisor. “There’s only one thing to do with this conniving cetacean: send it to the nearest Dàguó restaurant and let’s all treat ourselves to some sushi tonight!”
  2. “Sushi is fish, and not even from Dàguó, you ignoramus!” points out your pedantic secretary, ironically confusing sushi and sashimi. “Look, there’s so many of these animal oracles about that at least one of them was bound to have lucked into the right answers; that doesn’t give them any future predictive value. We should just be treating this as harmless fun. Maybe you could run a competition to see which Random Chaosian pet has the strongest ‘psychic abilities’ and award a prize for that.”
  3. “Pepe has spoken, and we must not blame the messenger for the truths he brings,” declares General Strange, your Chief of Staff. “Real psychics and psychic animals do exist, and we’d be fools not to utilise them to our military advantage. For example, we could put the flags of our adversaries in Pepe’s pool to see who is plotting against us, and then preemptively bomb them. Our enemies won’t understand how we can anticipate their every move!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fast-food chefs regularly win Health Innovation Awards for spitting on burgers.

2022-02-05 21:00

The Germ of an Idea

Over the last two months, hospitals in Random Chaos have been reporting a consistently increasing number of check-ins related to food contamination, which has fueled a debate among Random Chaosians regarding government regulations on food safety.

  1. “The rise in food poisoning is disturbing, and entirely avoidable,” asserts the Minister of Food Safety, Molly Blair, who is also the author of the popular sightseeing guide 1001 Lavatories To See Before You Die. “Better regulation and mandatory training of anyone serving food to the public would ensure a sharp decline in food poisoning cases.” Turning slightly green, she sprints from the room.
  2. “You’re out of your mind if you’re even considering this,” asserts Tsewang Haggard, owner of the small town restaurant, The Random Chaosian Gourmet. “Millions of people eat in restaurants every day, and normal people don’t have any problems! It’s just the wimps who are blowing this whole ‘food poisoning’ and ‘lack of food safety’ thing way out of proportion. Over-sterilisation of our environment weakens our immune systems. You should get rid of any ideas of food standards regulation, and we’ll all be healthier for it!”
  3. “Don’t you know what’s in those restaurants? Germs!” exclaims Brandon Nimoy, as he wipes his hands repeatedly with a wet-wipe. “Germs that get into your body, into your brain, and make you sick. Chefs cough in our food and serve it to us. Believe me, I know what goes on. I boil all my food for thirty minutes. It kills the germs, keeps me safe. And Leader, if you want to protect Random Chaosians, you’ll insist restaurants do the same.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has cut its subsidies for all special interest groups.

2022-02-05 15:00

“Give Us Money!” Quoth the Poet

The National Poetry Society of Random Chaos is demanding government-funded programs to promote the arts, especially poetry.

  1. “We need government help to promote culture,” says Sean Swift, chairperson of the National Poetry Society of Random Chaos. “Poetry is the soul of our nation, the very pulse of humanity! We will ultimately be judged according to our contribution to artistic enlightenment. In other words, please provide funding for our humble mission to bring the beauty of poetry to the masses!”
  2. “Artists and poets should support themselves, like everyone else,” replies Andreas Carter, spokesperson for the Capitalism Now Party. “The suffering taxpayers should be given a break. In fact, we should abolish all government subsidies for special interest groups.”
  3. “Poets—who needs them?!” scoffs Ellie Howell, Chairperson Emeritus of the Troglodyte Coalition. “These long-haired troublemakers should all be lined up against the wall and shot! That would be far more entertaining than reading some dumb poems!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dentists routinely perform open heart surgery.

2022-02-05 09:00

Do You Have Artistic License?

Disaster! The organizers of a charity dinner you are attending have been forced to cancel a scheduled stand-up routine by Jerry Fallon, famous comedian and headliner, because he has not renewed his entertainer’s license. During the commotion, several of the nation’s great and good also in attendance have come to your table to argue their positions on occupational licensing.

  1. “This shows why we must end licensing once and for all!” splutters Orson Berlusconi, Chairman of the Random Chaosian Freer Enterprise Committee. “I ask you, who do you think is best placed to decide who is qualified? Some stuffed shirt bureaucrat sitting in a comfy office in Random Chaos City or the employer? Leave it up to the free market to decide! If folks don’t think much of a plumber, electrician or doctor then they’ll vote with their chips!”
  2. “Don’t listen to this laissez-faire claptrap,” sneers consumer advocate Tina Gutnick, discreetly shoveling vol-au-vents into her pocket. “Occupational licensing protects consumers from incompetence and harm. We should be expanding the scope of licensing! Just look at the shoddy workmanship on these table decorations!”
  3. “My children’s babysitter doesn’t need a license to do a good job, but we obviously need to enforce certain standards for important professions where people’s lives are at stake - like doctors,” observes Dr. Carmen Nelson, President of the Random Chaosian Medical Association. “The best way to protect the public and to keep out the riff-raff is to require a letter of recommendation to the licensing board from established and respected associations, such as mine.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former planespotters are dusting off long-abandoned anoraks.

2022-02-05 03:00

Take to the Skies

The Maxtopian ambassador Lisbeth Scheer was recently shipwrecked on her way to meet with you. Thankfully, your coast guard rescued her and brought her safely to your office. She is still angry, however, since she would have preferred to fly into your country if your aircraft ban hadn’t stopped her from doing so.

  1. “This is wholly unacceptable!” gargles Her Excellency as she wrings out her still-wet hair, dropping a little anchovy on your carpet. “Do you know how long it takes to get from Maxtopia to Random Chaos by boat? Five days! Forgive me, Leader, but I don’t think it’s fair that you have a universal ban on aircraft. Might I propose that diplomatic and governmental aircraft be exempt from the ban? You know, you can keep the riff-raff out of the skies, but top-flight people like you and me should have top-flight privileges.”
  2. “I’m inclined to agree with you, Your Excellency,” says Ryan Bacon, your secretary who used to be an Air Random Chaos pilot, with a husky voice. “But I don’t think it goes far enough. I think we should unleash the freedom of the skies, unchain the passion of flying, and let all airplanes take us - and our ground-bound economy - to the clouds above!”
  3. “Go fly a k-kite!” exclaims stuttering aviophobe Alfons Gilligan, as he emerges from the lunch cart he snuck in on. “Our c-current system is j-just fine. The boat… the boat is the only sure way to get from point A to B safely and reliably - and if we need a b-bigger fleet, why not s-seize some of the n-navy ships and re-purpose them for p-public use?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos successfully hosted the The Hatrackia Olympics.

2022-02-04 21:00

Random Chaos to Hold the Olympic Torch?

Enthusiastic sports fans have been petitioning the government all week to apply for the much-coveted honour of hosting the next Regional Olympics. While most citizens are excited at the prospect of a The Hatrackia-wide competition in their own country, some have expressed reservations about the enormous expense hosting would incur.

  1. “WAHAAAAY!” screams Avery Carr, captain of Random Chaos City’s premier division ballroom dancing team. “Finally, a chance to show the world exactly how great I am! Everybody’s always complaining that Random Chaos never does well in sports and you know why? It’s because we’re never in front of the home crowd, that’s why! We’re going to need a great big stadium! No! TWO stadiums! WHOOP! OL-YM-PICS! OL-YM-PICS!”
  2. “Oh great,” mutters Filipe Howard, spokesperson for the Angry Taxpayer Society. “That’s all we need, more things to pour money into for no obvious reason. Surely it would be easier to just let another country host the Olympics and keep the cash? Then maybe it could go to something useful, like, I don’t know... my wallet?”
  3. “We’d be missing an amazing opportunity if we pass this up,” says Kristy Perkins, your Minister of Sports. “But we’ve got to be in it to win! Simply building new stadia won’t be enough, we need to be funding new sports centres and hiring the best coaches for our entrants! You could put more money into public facilities too, like gyms or something. Also, a little something from the government to show our appreciation to the athletes that bring home gold wouldn’t go amiss. Then no one can accuse you of wasting everyone’s tax chips!”
  4. “There’s nothing like a feat of strength to please the dull-witted masses, is there?” sighs Rama Watts, flipping through ‘One Hundred Gambits for Advanced Go Players’. “It’s so boring. Why can’t more intellectual pursuits be given the spotlight, like chess or debating matches? Ban organised sports and make our dreams come true! I think you’ll find it comes at a far lower price than the populist Olympics ever will.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the law is more interested in punishing crime than preventing it.

2022-02-04 15:30

Contract Killer

A legal battle has recently come to your attention, over a failed repayment of an overdue private debt and the validity of the underlying legal contract. The debtor owes ten thousand chips and under the bond agreement signed, the lender is calling to take a pound of flesh in lieu of payment.

  1. “I deserve to obtain a pound of flesh from that bankrupt fellow over there, as we both willingly signed this bond in the presence of a lawyer,” explains the lender, Mr. Boldkey, matter-of-factly. “The function of the law is to uphold justice, is it not? Exceptions to contracts will weaken confidence in the legal and financial system. Should I not be allowed to take what I am owed and to acquire it from say, his neck?”
  2. “Please spare me, I have a family to look after!” wails the debtor from behind bars. He is promptly silenced by his lawyer, Mr. Balthazar, who in a suspiciously high pitched voice elaborates: “What my client is trying to communicate is that the purpose of the law is to protect the rights of the smallest minority that has ever existed, which is the individual. A judge - or the government - should be able to annul any contract that has an immoral basis. The quality of mercy should be applied now and serve as a benchmark for future cases.”
  3. “Give Boldkey that which is justly his, which is a pound of flesh, nothing more, nothing less!” says Ms. Burns, a bored looking lawyer. “But due to him not being a licensed agent of the law, he must then be charged with murder, or at least assault, depending on the extent of the injury inflicted. The letter of the law is served, and freedom as well.”
2022-02-04 15:00

Contract Killer

A legal battle has recently come to your attention, over a failed repayment of an overdue private debt and the validity of the underlying legal contract. The debtor owes ten thousand chips and under the bond agreement signed, the lender is calling to take a pound of flesh in lieu of payment.

  1. “I deserve to obtain a pound of flesh from that bankrupt fellow over there, as we both willingly signed this bond in the presence of a lawyer,” explains the lender, Mr. Boldkey, matter-of-factly. “The function of the law is to uphold justice, is it not? Exceptions to contracts will weaken confidence in the legal and financial system. Should I not be allowed to take what I am owed and to acquire it from say, his neck?”
  2. “Please spare me, I have a family to look after!” wails the debtor from behind bars. He is promptly silenced by his lawyer, Mr. Balthazar, who in a suspiciously high pitched voice elaborates: “What my client is trying to communicate is that the purpose of the law is to protect the rights of the smallest minority that has ever existed, which is the individual. A judge - or the government - should be able to annul any contract that has an immoral basis. The quality of mercy should be applied now and serve as a benchmark for future cases.”
  3. “Give Boldkey that which is justly his, which is a pound of flesh, nothing more, nothing less!” says Ms. Burns, a bored looking lawyer. “But due to him not being a licensed agent of the law, he must then be charged with murder, or at least assault, depending on the extent of the injury inflicted. The letter of the law is served, and freedom as well.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, school lockers are filled with fancy underwear.

2022-02-04 09:00

Wrecked by Wrestling?

A little kid has accidentally broken her classmate’s spine imitating her favorite wrestler Bulk Bogan’s “Gambler Tackle” move.

  1. “Ban wrestling!” screams Valour Eliot, founder of the group People Opposed to Practically Everything, using his sign to break your office window. “My deadbeat ex took my kids to a wrestling match once, and that was the worst thing that ever happened to them! They began beating up other kids on the playground — my little girl tried to bodyslam a teacher. She now says she wants to be called ‘Saraya’ instead of Paige, which is her real name and far more sensible. Outlaw this ritualised violence! Do it for the children.”
  2. “I’m THE BULK!” bellows Bulk Bogan, breaking a pre-weakened two-by-four on his own forehead. “You want to know what THE BULK thinks about all this? Only THE BULK can make these moves, but if you kids wanna learn these moves FOR REAL and FOR SAFE, then en... enr... bring them to the BULK BOGAN Academy for Little Wrestlers!”
  3. “A school for wrestling? That’s not what Random Chaos needs,” says Kay Faybe, your Minister of Party Pooping. “All Random Chaos needs is an awareness program teaching people that professional wrestling is in fact fake. Then everyone would just stop complaining.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Welfare Programs and the Top 10% for Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, withdrawal of support for drug addicts is leaving many with cold sweats.

2022-02-04 03:00

One in the Arm for Leader?

This morning, you were informed that the Random Chaosian Broadcasting Company is set to air a documentary on the legalization of needle exchanges in Skandilund. These provide sterile needles and allow safe injection sites for addicts to use recreational drugs without fear of arrest. Going by the small crowd gathered outside your office, it appears you weren’t the only one to hear about the documentary.

  1. “My gorgeous little Iris would have been saved if she’d been allowed to inject safely in a public place!” wails Alfred, who lost his daughter to an intravenous heroin overdose last month. “She is not alone - thousands of people die preventable deaths every year as a result of this unfair policy. Not only should we legalize these safe sites, but also provide state counseling and rehabilitation for anybody that looks like she or he may be a drug addict. Why have one death when you can have none?”
  2. “I’ll just go out on an ominously scarred limb and say that this is a load of nonsense,” dryly notes retired sheriff Eobard Cummings, in between discrete sips from a hip flask. “Intervention this, inter-venal that, yet nobody seems to realize that keeping their mitts off drugs is the best way forward for us! Bringing this in would be as good as giving people the go ahead to break the law. We don’t want to encourage junkie scum who go around stealing everything that is not nailed down. We’ll just punish them like the other criminals.”
  3. “We can’t allow any drugs on our streets!” yells Kendra Krauss, knocking Eobard’s hip flask out of his hands. “It doesn’t matter if it’s cirrhosis of the liver or my old school friend dying of VODAIS after sharing needles with some whacko she’s never met before! The only sane thing to do here is obviously to place a ban on all drugs, including alcohol and tobacco. No need to treat addicts if nobody can obtain addictive substances!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military funding has been stripped back.

2022-02-03 21:00

Military Demands Increased Spending

The Department of Defense has put its case for a substantial increase in funding for the coming financial year.

  1. “These are turbulent times we live in,” says Defense Chief Calvin Howell. “Turbulent and dangerous. And the only sensible response to that, of course, is to build a lot more weapons. Unless we get the funding we need, I can’t promise that we’ll be able to defend Random Chaos’s sovereign borders from rogue nations and foreign powers. Or those leaky boatloads of refugees, for that matter.”
  2. “NO MORE BOMBS,” chant the protestors outside Parliament House, in a repetitious and increasingly annoying appeal. Spokesperson Harriet Perry, speaking through a feedback-afflicted microphone, says, “Random Chaos needs fewer weapons, not more! Make the world a safer place! Disarm now!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's faithful often say there is a higher power watching over them.

2022-02-03 15:30

Don’t Drink the Grape Punch

The Citizens’ Chapel Cultivation Concept, a radical religious movement frequently accused of being a cult, shocked the country today after they committed mass suicide in the rural village of Williamstown. Two hundred and seventeen Random Chaosians are dead, including the cult’s charismatic leader. The horrified public, including many relatives of the deceased, are urging you to prevent future atrocities.

  1. “How could the government let this happen?” cries Clement Dubois, sobbing into an oversized handkerchief. “If the government had monitored this ‘Citizens’ Chapel Cultivation Concept’, they’d have seen the lethal drug stockpile and my son would still be alive! The government must focus on defending its citizenry from wacko cults such as the Citizens’ Chapel, even if it means state surveillance of every religious group in Random Chaos!”
  2. “Heresy! Or, you know, just plain unfair,” gripes Indira Li, the leader of the Tranquility of Yellow, donning a mellow yellow top hat. “We cannot have unbelievers profaning our sacred spaces with their very presence. It’s not nice. Sure, some wacky groups cite religion to commit atrocities, but those are the minority of religious sects! I demand - for all religious groups - absolute privacy from government encroachment!”
  3. “You could have prevented this,” announces journalist Miles Schwarzenegger, scattering article drafts onto your desk. “I’d investigated the Citizens’ Chapel for months. I had records of huge drug shipments, and sworn affidavits from former members testifying to Williams’s midnight muttering and purveying paranoia. I wrote to ask every department to stop the nutcase. But he kissed some junior ministers’... whatever, and nothing happened. To top it all, my stories were pulled - I was accused of persecuting him! If the government was expected to seriously investigate all concerns, those poor people might still be alive.”
  4. “We all know the real problem, and it won’t be solved by turning this nation into some kind of police state,” muses Jadzia Banks, the ethereal sister to one of the deceased, who is sporting a T-shirt that reads Hugs Not Drugs. “The real problem isn’t that some people have a different belief. Hey, live and let live, right? But when this Williams guy started preaching ‘heroic self-immolation’, you let him get hold of all kinds of bad stuff. Sleeping pills, pain pills, potassium cyanide... You know. Not cool. If you, like, stopped selling substances that can kill people, we can all just go and live in peace.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nationalized auto industry is adept at making durable little cars nobody wants to drive.

2022-02-03 09:00

Wheels of Misfortune

In recent weeks, there has been growing concern over the quality of automobiles made in Random Chaos. Representatives from all sides have gathered in your office and are asking you to make a decision.

  1. “This is ridiculous!” cries Edmund Yew, chairperson of the Association of Scorned Shoppers, while frantically waving a stack of papers. “Some of these stories are just obscene! We’ve got water pumps seizing at 12,000 kilometers, airbags not deploying in accidents, and this one guy’s gas tank just fell off! I can’t make this stuff up! Our auto industry has gotten lazy and corrupt and is in desperate need of stronger regulation!”
  2. “I’ve never heard such nonsense!” scoffs Kathryn Evans, an executive representing the largest automaker in Random Chaos. “Our cars are perfectly fine! These allegations are completely baseless. Thing is, these proposed regulations are going to make us uncompetitive. Is this what you want? Foreign cars clogging our streets while our factories close down? Get rid of some of the regulations we have now, so we can do our jobs! While you’re at it, a government subsidy would safeguard domestic auto manufacturing...”
  3. “What is this? Subsidies? Deregulation? Lies, all of it!” shouts prominent communist Ozy Magellan, sporting a practical yet stylish red beret. “These companies, they’re always willing to sell their ethics for a quick chip! They always cut corners for a little extra profit, and look where it’s gotten us! You want to make good cars, cars the people can be proud of? Have the people take control of the offending car companies! If we remove the profit motive, Random Chaos can finally produce quality vehicles, without wasteful bourgeois stuff like chrome wheels, air conditioning, and reclining seats!”
  4. A wheelchair-bound man wearing a bicycle helmet on his head, plaster casts on his legs, and an irate expression on his face rolls himself into your office. “Hey, I got somethin’ to say,” he growls as he deliberately bumps into your desk. “You and your government have been playing nice with the car companies for far too long, and a lot of us cyclists are sick of it. I might have an axe to grind, but Random Chaos and our environment’ll be better off if you just banned cars entirely. Who cares if people complain? They’ll adjust.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, urban parents tell their children that the family car went to a farm upstate.

2022-02-03 03:00

Parking Hell

The new director of the Random Chaos City Department of Transportation has suggested that imposing dynamic parking prices might help ease the city centre’s nightmarish congestion. Because the national government owns large parts of the capital, the plan cannot proceed without your approval.

  1. Director Bawu Cage, who was formerly a professor of urban planning, pushes up his glasses. “Dynamic parking prices will mean that not only will drivers have to pay for parking, but that the prices will change throughout the day based on the location’s demand. For example, drivers will pay more to park during busy periods. This will encourage motorists to park in quieter areas and not hog the same spot for hours on end. Take notes, there will be a quiz next week— er, sorry, force of habit there.”
  2. “This isn’t a game of Maxopoly where the ‘free parking’ space gives a windfall of revenue!” complains the Minister of Labor, who’s just come from a marathon six-hour session of said game. “This plan will punish the working poor who can ill afford parking fees. If the city wants to deal with congestion, then it should start building more underground tunnels and parking garages with your help. Free parking is the right of every citizen, and you can’t start charging me — I mean, the miserably poor — for parking.”
  3. “This plan is too complicated,” says the laconic Minister of Gordian Knots, who arrived in an ox cart and is now snipping at the air with a pair of scissors. “But doing nothing is not an option. Let us ban cars from the city instead. Stops congestion. Keeps things simple.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, badminton was recently banned due to 'unacceptable violence' inherent to the game.

2022-02-02 21:00

We Who Are About to Die Would Rather Go Home

An old supporter of yours has recently passed on, leaving a quite sizeable plot of land to you in his will - but only under a rather unusual condition: that the site be developed into a colosseum for hosting gladiatorial fights and other bloody spectacles.

  1. “Yes, yes!” cries Falala deVries, waving a wooden sword enthusiastically. “You’ve gotta do this, man! Gladiator fights are like the ultimate in spectator sports! And it doesn’t just have to be people! We could pit man against gambler! Blade against claw! Nothing to their names but their wits and their stamina! You’d have to pay people a lot to risk their lives doing this, but I bet you’d earn a whole lot more from merchandise and wagers and stuff!”
  2. “That’s just sick,” says Kirby Lawson, president of the Kill Violence Now Association. “I don’t believe you’d find anyone willing to watch actual people tearing each other apart. It’s savage and horrible! It’s even worse than boxing! Violent sports should be outlawed for the sake of this country’s moral integrity. I’m sorry, I’ve got to go - I’m ashamed you’re even considering this.”
  3. “Actually, we could use this to our advantage,” whispers Chief of Police, Preeti Sanders. “Why not just force convicted criminals to fight for the amusement of the public? They’ll be paying for their crimes, contributing to society, and totally freeing us of having to build jails to throw their useless hides in!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chocolate in Random Chaos has its flavour enhanced by the salty tears of enslaved factory workers.

2022-02-02 15:00

Leader and the Chocolate Factory

Local chocolate factory Wenko’s Candy Universe was busted by the police last night. Authorities discovered that it was only able to produce its tasty treats at low, low prices due to a workforce that was comprised of illegal immigrants from Zompaboodaland, a battle-ravaged country that has been mired in a decades-long civil war. The ill-treated workers had been smuggled into Random Chaos with the promise of work, and were being forced to “work off their cost of passage.”

  1. A group of men each as tall as your knee stumble into the room and break into song. “Zoompo-boodo-zippity-zoo, master feeds us terrible food. Zoompo-boodo-zippa-dah-deeeeee, if you are bad he will whip ye! What do you get when you eat like a cat? An eating disorder, and that is that! I don’t like the taste of it!” The Zompa Boodas hand you a petition asking for all illegal immigrants to be granted amnesty and citizenship, before they are shoveled into a wheelbarrow by your security guard, in order to remove them from your office.
  2. “WHAAAAAT?” inquires madman factory owner, Willy Wenko. “These claims are preposterous! My little helpers have their own lives, families, and free will. Furthermore, I pay them plenty!” He turns to the last three little workers still in your office, handing two of them a piece of chocolate each, but grabbing the third around the throat. “So you thought it was a good idea to tell tales, huh? NO RATIONS FOR A WEEK! Ahaha, sorry, that was just a little joke... I beg you, allow me to keep our little factory family together, and let the magic of Wenko Chocolates keep bringing smiles to little children’s faces! For the kids, Leader, the kids!”
  3. “Are you kidding me? This is a no-brainer!” exclaims Immigration Officer Charles Bucket, whose fearless infiltration of the factory was instrumental in busting open the Wenko case. “It is obvious this purple-hatted lunatic was exploiting these people! How would you like it if you were kidnapped by some rich weirdo to work in their factory forever? We need to ship these little folk home immediately!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hairdressers are among those who have disappeared overnight.

2022-02-02 09:00

Intersex Athletes Demand Level Playing Field

During the last Random Chaos Athletics Championship, a massive controversy arose following the revelation that double gold medalist Atlanta Johnson possesses both male and female sexual organs, despite being entirely female in external appearance.

  1. “How is this difficult to understand?” questions well-known sports commentator Ammon Urquhart. “There are sports and competitions just for men, and there are sports and competitions just for women; we don’t let men run in a women’s race, so what’s the difference here? And if it’s too difficult to decide whether the athlete is a man or woman, then we shouldn’t let them compete at all! Fair is fair is fair.”
  2. “I think I see a solution to all this,” says Ella Cohen, your Minister for Solutions, whilst solving the crossword in your morning newspaper. “We should overhaul the entire sport system in Random Chaos so that people compete against each other based on skill, not gender. Sure, it might be expensive but it’d be worth it if we want everyone to be happy.”
  3. “We can’t just stop there!” protests well-known LGBTQQIA activist Josh Kamen. “We should completely overhaul Random Chaos itself to make it less hostile to those like Ms. Johnson! Schools, hospitals, workplaces - they’ll all need to be changed! There should be public toilets catered solely for the intersex too! You can’t put a price on equality!”
  4. “You’re not going to listen to that drivel, I hope?” your bald, heavily tattooed cousin says with a raised eyebrow. “You want to actually give these people recognition? Not only would they bring shame on Random Chaos in international sporting competitions, but they, and other non-conformists, are an insult to our nation. What we must do is banish those unlike me and my friends from Random Chaos; they are only an impediment to the success and dominance of our race - a master race!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Welfare Programs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the only record being broken at sporting events is the highest death toll.

2022-02-02 03:00

An Expensive Watch

Sporting events have always drawn big crowds of passionate fans, but those same crowds can bring a temporary surge in crime. While extra policing can be assigned, questions have been raised over who should pay for this.

  1. “These are big-profit events for the corporations that run them, but they generate considerable externalities which must be paid for by taxpayers,” explains Police Assistant Accountancy Director Kate Ross, seeming excited to be at the centre of attention for once. “Let the profiteers pick up the extra cost, as guesstimated... I mean, carefully calculated by my department.”
  2. “Excuse me? Since when have private companies been liable to fund public services?” retorts CEO Ongchu Adams, showing you an empty wallet to emphasise his point, though his gesture is diminished in impact by it being a ridiculously expensive crocodile-skin, diamond-studded designer piece. “If you cut into profits, you discourage free market enterprise, and if you do that, there’ll be less sporting entertainment. And you know what happens when a populace doesn’t get its sports? That’s right - they start thinking about politics, and criticising their social betters. Do you really want that to happen?”
  3. “Oi oi, there’s no need for all this bovver,” grins die-hard fan Four Fingers Jasper, hiding a bloodied length of scaffolding pole behind his back. “So we like to let off a bit of steam before and after the match, and have a bit of a scrap. It’s all good fun, and nobody who don’t wants to be there has to be there if they don’t wants to be, right? So why not give the rozzers the day off, and let us sort ourselves out?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, female brains are believed to heat up dangerously when 'overclocked'.

2022-02-01 21:00

Bloodied but Unbowed

You have come to your office this morning to find that your tea hasn’t been brewed, your meeting schedule hasn’t been laid out, and your plants haven’t been watered. There has been a delay in everything as your assistant, Anna Hanover, has been slacking off work today because it is her ‘time of the month.’

  1. “I can’t take it any more, Leader!” wails Anna Hanover, plumping down on your chair in her pajamas — then taking a sip from her chamomile tea and rubbing her belly. “For some women like me, periods are too bloody painful to concentrate on work. All female employees should have a right to paid menstrual leave for up to five days every month. Period. This way, instead of writhing in pain in our workplaces with little to no productivity, we can go shop — err, I mean, take a warm, relaxing shower and rest.”
  2. “Oh, cry me a river!” exclaims Nebuchadnezzar Nxumalo, your misogynistic Minister of Finance, while rolling his eyes at Anna Hanover. “Do you have any idea how much money these ‘menstrual vacations’ will cost our taxpayers? But no, these snivelling moaners find a new thing to whine about every day: they want breastfeeding breaks, employment quotas, and now this! Hey, my mother was a woman too, but she never complained about anything. When she was pregnant with me, she worked on our cotton field for 12 hours a day, even if it was her time of the month! Do away with this sex-based discrimination and abolish all special concessions to women. And tell this whimperer to take a painkiller — then get back to work!”
  3. “How could you even suggest this?” enquires Engelbert Turner, your Minister of Chivalry, with a condescending smile on his face. “I think we are looking at the problem in the wrong way. Has it ever occurred to you that doing office drudgery may actually be too harsh and stressful for the frail bodies of the fair sex? I think there would be no need for menstrual leave if women were strongly encouraged to do easy and stress-free menial jobs, like basket-weaving or bead-threading. What do you think?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government's religious works are headed by a New Age guru.

2022-02-01 15:00

Appointment of Spiritual Advisor

It’s time for the government to hire a new religious advisor. Your people have narrowed down the candidates to:

  1. Staunch traditionalist religious leader Lars Shaw: boasts an excellent track record, having rapidly increased religious service attendances in his constituencies through the “Reaching God Through Guilt” program. Seen as a solid choice.
  2. New Age thinker Gertie Beckham: a left-field candidate with some radical ideas. “For me, it’s not about the name of your religion. It’s about discovering your spirituality in whatever guise that takes. Some people call that a cult: I call it taking spirituality to the people.”
  3. Finally, there’s Leonardo Grieg. “If I am awarded the appointment, I will immediately resign,” the ex-schoolteacher has declared. “Because, frankly, God is a big load of hokey. I’ll be doing everyone a favor by just shutting up about it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign nations kill migratory animals at random in the hope that Random Chaos will pay them to stop.

2022-02-01 09:00

Songbirds’ Decline Ruffles Feathers

Biologists and birding enthusiasts alike are squawking over the recent yearly declines in the numbers of many migratory songbird species, particularly the Random Chaosian Breegull. After some study, the unifying factor in the species experiencing decline is that their migratory paths take them over Tasmania. Coincidentally, Tasmania is known to consider migratory songbirds a delicacy. Your cabinet has convened to discuss the matter.

  1. “Those Tasmanians must be taught a lesson!” screeches Yasuyuki Hopkins, your hawkish Minister of Defense, who has never found a war he didn’t like. “If Tasmania’s utter contempt for environmental stewardship, and our nation’s well-known love of bats...” He pauses as an aide taps him on the shoulder and whispers in his ear. He continues: “...and our nation’s well-known love of songbirds doesn’t convince you, what will? Perhaps troop escorts for those precious butterflies through Tasmania might work. And if someone tries to so much as lay a hand on one of those flying fish, then we’ll blow ‘em back to the stone age!”
  2. “I’d like to suggest another approach,” coos Chris Perez, your more dovish Environment Minister. “Clearly we value songbirds alive and uneaten, and Tasmania does not. We just need to make Tasmania value songbirds as much as we do. What if we estimated the relevant migratory songbird population each year and paid Tasmania a small amount of chips for each migratory bird that makes it here? Peaceful and fair.”
  3. “How about none of that?” clucks Holly Watson, your eagle-eyed Finance Minister, while poring over a report on government revenue collected through coins tossed in wishing fountains. “We can’t keep frivolously throwing our citizens’ hard-earned tax chips at every little problem. They’re just some dumb birds - let’s just leave the government out of things for once! In fact, with less songbirds we can surely cut back our budget for parks a bit?”
  4. “What if we trained the birds to stop migrating?” warbles the somewhat unhinged bird fancier known as ‘The Bird Lady’, seen wearing a giant bird costume, and whose number you’ve been meaning to give to ‘Doctor Bees’. “I love it here, and migratory songbirds should too! All we have to do is get baby birds to imprint on government handlers, and then teach the birds to fly around Random Chaos in circles. Then we’ll be able to keep them to ourselves, protect them, and give the birds the love they need all year round. It’ll be a lark!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Retail Industry and Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children prefer to begin their day with push-ups rather than breakfast.

2022-02-01 03:00

Footing the Bill

Despite spending copious amounts of chips to turn the nation into a Calvinball powerhouse, Random Chaos finished in last place at the very next tournament. Some are now beginning to wonder if this money was well-spent.

  1. “Clearly we haven’t spent enough!” exclaims Marin Watterson, a Calvinball expert who reportedly has the world’s only complete set of time-fracture wickets. “What we need to do is build the newest, state-of-the-art academies in every city. Even successful Calvinball countries like Ausblic will be in awe of them! If we build world-class facilities with pitches for every season, fitness and rehab centres, and the finest Skandilundian-designed saunas, we will finally achieve our dream of Calvinball superiority! Double the funding!”
  2. “So what have we spent this money on?” questions Siddhartha Park, the head coach of the highly successful Chagrin Marauders. “We relaid a few pitches, bought some new equipment and built a couple of training centres. Yet, our players did worse than last time! We need to make sure that any kid who displays any sporting aptitude doesn’t slip through the net. Force all children into mandatory attendance at these training centres. Their educational needs are secondary to our quest for Calvinball glory!”
  3. “Our current crop of so-called ‘world-class’ players has clearly failed, despite all the money we threw at them,” opines Archibald Vercingetorix, who grimaces every time he hears the official Calvinball song. “Forget about this rabble and instead transfer the funding to the professional development of our youngsters. We can create new youth clubs and leagues, and let’s just forget about all this ‘let’s turn Random Chaos into a Calvinball powerhouse’ nonsense. Encouraging kids to exercise and maintain good health is far more important than pursuing a hopeless dream. If the kids turn out to be world champions years down the line, then that’s just a bonus.”
  4. “Listen,” states your younger brother, the glint in his eye indicating that he has just come up with another harebrained idea. “Everything we’ve tried hasn’t worked so far, so why not enact a program to kidnap all the best players and coaches from around the world? Bring them back to Random Chaos and force them at gunpoint to train and develop our athletes. All our players will then be able to improve their game from the skills and techniques of our kidnapees. Calvinball glory will soon be ours!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children who display even minimal sporting aptitude are immediately assigned a personal trainer.

2022-01-31 21:00

A Sport Retort

Rather unexpectedly, Random Chaos reached the final match of the Calvinball World Cup, but was defeated by heavily-favored Ausblic. Your advisors have started a lively debate on the topic at the next day’s budget meeting.

  1. “I’m as shocked as everyone else!” utters your Minister of Boardgames, Athletics, Leisure, and League Sports, while watching the team’s highlights on her phone. “We had to play defending champions Tasmania, and everyone thought we were going to get killed, but then one of their players stumbled into the Zone of Forfeiture! We might have even had a chance against Ausblic if we hadn’t botched the dance-off round. With a little more funding, we could easily build Random Chaos into a Calvinball powerhouse. Maybe you could divert a bit from the education budget; after all, if you’re making a fortune playing a sport, an education isn’t that important!”
  2. “Look, I was cheering for our team as much as everyone else,” states your Minister of Cost-Cutting and Harsh Realities, using a red pen to cross out large sections from the latest national budget. “But we only got through to the final because Maxtopia’s star player got a violet card in the first quintile and had to wear a blindfold for the rest of the match. Before that, Marche Blanche’s team was penalized ten wickets for being unable to sing their national anthem backwards. Let’s be realistic: our success was just a fluke. I recommend that we slash funding for all of this sporting nonsense and give our citizens a nice tax cut.”
  3. “You know, I’ve heard rumors that host country East Lebatuck only got as far as they did because they slipped hallucinogens into the drinking water of their opponents,” suggests Intelligence Minister Amanda Ryan while fiddling with prototypes of the latest spy cameras. “Some of the Bigtopian players even claimed to see a talking tiger on the field! If we offered to host one of these sporting spectacles - and then made a few ‘donations’ to the International Calvinball Federation to ensure we were selected - we could have a similar advantage. Just say the word, and I’ll have our research labs start working on an array of undetectable sedatives.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, religious organizations are being forced to leave the country or pay income taxes like everybody else.

2022-01-31 15:00

Sacramental Tax Time?

Secularists have been urging the government to impose corporation tax on religious organizations in Random Chaos for some time now, and the issue has finally made its way to the upper levels of the government.

  1. Self-appointed civil rights spokesperson Nomfundo Huxley declares, “Churches are business organizations with a large income. It’s unfair that they don’t have to pay the same taxes that everyone else does. If they really do spend any money on charity, let them write it off as a deduction just like corporations do. There’s no reason that so-called clergy should be chauffeured around in limos tax-free, when we desperately need funds for public works.”
  2. “Freedom of conscience is foremost among liberties,” says Reverend Vodalus Poe. “Churches have been exempted from taxation because it is wrong for the government to infringe on the right of people to worship as they please, and that includes charging them for the right to worship. Besides, churches are non-profit organizations that put all their funds back into the community.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, traveller camps regularly block five-lane superhighways.

2022-01-31 09:00

Not All Those Who Wander Are Paying

After a much-publicised incident involving a farmer’s attempts to drive a family of travellers off private property, there has been a call for you to review the laws governing nomadic communities and their mobile homes.

  1. “These turnpike travellers just rolled onto my field in those caravans of theirs and camped out,” says Théoden Kiefaber, the enraged farmer. “And when I tries to run ‘em over with my tractor, it’s me who gets stuck in the cells overnight! I’ve tried getting the government to evict them but they take too long over it. How would these people have reacted if I’d set up a tent in their back garden? There should be a law so I can get rid of them any way I choose. Vagrants should not be allowed to go wherever they like. It’s just not fair to landowners.”
  2. “All we wanted was a place to stay the night,” says Billy-Bob Ripley, a traveller and parent of fourteen children. “Or maybe for a week or so. Or a month. Perhaps through winter; it’s pretty mild around here, I don’t know. But is that such a crime? We weren’t stealing anything, or harming anyone. All we ask is to be allowed to continue our travels without harassment.”
  3. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” says Georgina Zhimo, one of your advisors who happens to own an extensive greenfield site. “We can’t just let people go living wherever they like just because they’ve been doing it for hundreds of years. It’s very untidy! What I suggest is that we dip into the coffers and buy plots of land, all over the country, and turn them into nice safe areas where these folks can stay for as long as they want before they decide to move on. See? Problem solved.”
  4. “I have the best solution,” says Lenny Fforde, in response to a street survey. “These itinerants should be arrested, their caravans sold for scrap, and, and... told not to do it again! I think we’ve all had enough with the government pussy-footing their way around these criminals! The way they just swan in and disrupt communities any way they please! And think of what their presence would do to the value of my property! People ought to live in bricks and mortar, not tins on wheels!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Extensive Public Healthcare and the Top 10% for Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government projects are full of waste.

2022-01-31 03:00

Gross Domestic Product

The nation’s largest river is vital to Random Chaosians for agricultural irrigation, goods transport and water for both industrial and consumption purposes. However, rising pollution has now rendered the water unfit for human consumption and the river has become nearly unnavigable due to the sheer volume of waste choking it. The final straw for many came when a flaming deluge of feces, trash, and toxic chemicals engulfed riverside areas in downtown Random Chaos City.

  1. “Look, I’m no hippy environmentalist, but this level of pollution is starting to cause real problems for our economy and our health,” moans farmer Westley Latham after retching in his hazmat suit. “You have to ban factories from dumping waste in the river, and invest in better outflow management to protect our waterways.”
  2. “We can’t slow down industrial development because we’re averse to slightly brown water,” asserts engineer Christopher Sanchez. “Instead, we should just dredge the river to remove trash and debris, and create wide concrete-lined channels to let the water flow out to sea faster. Remove dams, divert water from other sources, and we can increase river flow and dilute the problem. Hard engineering for hard ecological problems. It’s not hard.”
  3. “The waters are a gift from the divine,” sensually sighs the Priestess of the Wet God, eagerly slurping the river water as she bathes in it. “This Holy River is always pure and rejuvenating, no matter what mere men may think or fear. The dizziness we feel from inhaling the fumes that rise from the sacred waters is the spiritual ecstasy of communion. The government should inform the people of the great and healthful powers of His Watery Glory’s blessed flow, and indeed bottle the water and deliver it to people across the nation. Nobody should be afraid to take a sip, or a large gulp!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, drug distribution is tightly controlled by the government.

2022-01-30 21:00

Soda Sales Hits New ‘High’

After waning sales, the well-established soda company ‘Eckie-Ecola’ has appealed to the government for the right to use powerful mind-altering drugs in their products.

  1. “It’ll be great,” says Archibald Weatherhead, the CEO of Eckie-Ecola. “Nice ‘n’ happy floating feelings all in a can, and all for just one chip! It’s not the healthiest drink I admit, but what people want to do with their bodies is their own business. If you ban this beverage, you’re only denying the citizens of their right to be exposed to the true hallucinogenic experience!”
  2. “This can’t go ahead,” argues Erica Delauter, a nurse at one of Random Chaos’s hospitals. “Drugs are, and always will be, one of the greatest threats to the nation’s physical and mental health! My job’s hard enough as it is without having the wards overrun by patients who were stupid enough to drink the damned stuff. The distribution of drugs must be strictly controlled by the government and kept for medicinal uses.”
  3. “If you ask me,” says Karl Larkin, from behind a cloud of smoke. “We should just let everyone have drugs for free! If the government legalised and subsidised all these ‘bad’ drugs and gave ‘em out to everyone, all our problems would be solved! There’d be no more drug traffickers, or thugs robbing old ladies to feed their addictions! ‘Course there’d be a bit of a detrimental effect healthwise and to the drug industries, but the beauty of it all is that everyone will be too doped up to care!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, beating enemies to death with a baseball bat is legal if done within nine innings.

2022-01-30 15:00

Outside the Box

Heavyweight boxer Zaheer Fraser faced a lot of criticism when — during a press conference before a title fight — he yelled at his opponent that he was planning to “smash in your skull, bash your brain pan, and send you to the morgue”. This prediction proved to be true, with a punch to the temple fracturing his opponent’s skull, killing him. Now people are asking if the boxer should be held to account for his words and actions.

  1. “That was just trash talk!” yells the boxer, punching the wall angrily. “It’s not like I actually wanted to kill him. You can’t hold an athlete accountable for what happens in a sporting arena. Write that down. Make it a law.” He waves a fist at you for emphasis.
  2. “We all heard the threats, then watched the murder happen!” weeps Maria McFly, mother to the deceased boxer. “This was a premeditated act, a killer punch aimed in a way that he knew would be lethal! The law needs to recognise that threats are threats and crime is crime, no matter the sporting context.”
  3. “Why is it so surprising that when pitting psychos against each other, death happens?” asks action movie actor Dawang Spirit, brushing foundation onto his cheeks. “Look, what you should do is ban boxing and other combat sports. If people want to see exciting fight action, they can watch me — or my team of carefully trained stunt doubles — simulate fighting on the silver screen. It’s called acting, darling, and it’s what we civilised sorts prefer.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, shoppers have literally had their hands full since plastic bags were banned.

2022-01-30 09:00

Plastic, Plastic Everywhere

An unusual alliance of environmental activists and garbagemen have brought to your attention the increasing glut of plastic bags that have been found littering the streets of Random Chaos’s cities.

  1. “These damn bags are everywhere!” shouts angry refuse collector Thomas Park. “They’re in our trees, in our rivers, in our streets, and in our sewer system! Do you know how much extra work we have to do to clean up after slobs who are too lazy to put their trash in a can? Ban these bags completely and fine those stores who refuse to comply! Sure, people may have to remember to bring their own damn bags, but think about the back-breaking labor my fellow garbagemen will avoid! And the environment, of course.”
  2. “If you can’t get rid of the bags, you must change the bags!” exclaims Bodhi Vercingetorix, an environmentalist spokesperson wearing a lab coat and a huge grin. “Scientists have developed plastics that break down over time, so it doesn’t matter where they’re dumped. Require that only biodegradable plastic bags can be sold in Random Chaos, and the problem will go away.”
  3. “You’re not really going to listen to this nonsense, are you?” says Gertie Cox, CEO of PlastiCorp Industries. “Do you know how much this will hurt the plastic industry? How many people I will need to lay off? How many chips I - I mean, Random Chaos - will lose? Our economy needs less environmental regulation, not more! Just say no to limits on our plastic bags, and while you’re at it loosen up environmental laws for corporations in general. We can’t afford to let hippie ideas get in the way of Random Chaos’s bottom line.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, libraries are now installed with jacuzzis and mini-bars.

2022-01-30 03:00

We Need Cash, Sharpish, Say Librarians

Ailing libraries have appealed to the government for a much-needed injection of funds.

  1. “Our libraries are in a dreadful state,” says distressed librarian, Paris Alvarez. “This year we had to cancel our subscription to ‘Playboy’ and over half of our shelves are stacked with pamphlets from the Pizzeria across the road. We need more books and better standards. If there were more perks in this job then maybe we’d get some decent employees! If it needs a whole lot of government funds to pay for it all then so be it!”
  2. “Now hold it right there!” says manager of the local MEGA-BOOKS store, Woody Freeman. “I employ twenty-four people and we are dependent upon people paying us money to buy books, magazines and newspapers from my store. How can you even think about giving our tax chips to these people so they can put us out of business? Of course poor people won’t be able to afford our wares but they’d only use them for fires or somethin’. Let our libraries die.”
  3. “I’m all for giving our libraries more money,” says Education Minister, Colin McGhee. “But we certainly shouldn’t just let them spend it however they please. We need an elected board to oversee all purchases and acquisitions made by our library system, promoting educational literature and keeping out smut. That way we can keep nudity out of the hands of children. We can make sure none of those political satires and newspapers that insult our government affect the weak-minded amongst us too. Then our libraries will be something to be proud of.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, soldiers stream their classified military operations live for millions of fans.

2022-01-29 21:00

Glory Kill

The Hatrackia gave cheer last night after infamous terrorist leader Yasmin Barnes was assassinated in a surprise raid by the elite Gambler Team 5. However, jubilation quickly turned to controversy when one of the soldiers claimed personal responsibility for the assassination, forgoing the unit’s traditional “code of silence”.

  1. “What can I say? It’s just the doggone plain truth!” bellows Sergeant Cortana Gonzalez, the offending soldier in question, as she props her boots on your desk. “You can see it all on the body cam footage, so it’s not like anyone can say I’m lyin’. Already got some United Federation suits looking to make a movie, some dork wants to write my biography, the VIP party invites are rolling in — I earned all of this. Y’all can’t take that away cause some limp-wrists say it’s ‘disrespectful’ or ‘attention hogging’. Besides, it’s good for Random Chaos too! Once my story becomes a blockbuster, nobody’s going to question our military might. So how about you just give me a medal for a job well done?”
  2. “Etiquette exists for a reason, Leader,” retorts General Inder Morricone as he readjusts your lapel pin. “Even though Sergeant Gonzalez took the final shot, that mission was a team effort. When you start snubbing that core belief, you end up making soldiers of fortune, not members of the Random Chaosian armed forces. Oh sure, it’s all fun and parties today. But then they start disobeying orders, thinking they know best. Then they start going rogue. Next thing you know, Blackacre slips some chips under the table, and our whole army is goose-stepping down Random Chaos City to a different tune! We should discharge Gonzalez for unmilitary-like conduct and stand firm behind our behavior policies.”
  3. “Ah, nuts to that, General Buzzkill!” proclaims Michonne Taffs, another Gambler Team 5 operative whose tinted glasses and long hair certainly violate some dress code. “Gonzalez has it right! Your problem is trying to make the army all secretive and mysterious. It’s just another job, dude! No one tells my old man how to sell stuffed animals at the mall. He just, like, does it. We need to be more like that. Dump all of these creepy creeds and regulations! Let troops say what we want to say, to whoever we want. Everything will work itself out.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the beauty of coastal towns is marred only slightly by all the closed-down storefronts.

2022-01-29 15:30

You Cruise, You Lose?

For years, small towns along the nation’s coast have been popular cruise ship destinations. However, with increasingly frequent visits by overwhelming numbers of passengers, one seaside town is attempting to ban all tourist vessels from stopping there.

  1. “These massive ships have polluted our coastal waters, driven away all the fish and caused sizeable erosion damage with their wakes,” declares Joe Torres, spokesperson for the town’s commercial fishing consortium. “My colleagues and I used to be able to make a decent living from harvesting the abundant resources of our coastal waters. But ever since these bilge-spewing behemoths started showing up, we’ve had to sail out farther and farther, and still can’t catch more than a few minnows. The only way to ensure our industry’s survival is to allow this ban to go through.”
  2. “Are you insane? Those tourists bring in tons of money,” sputters restaurant owner Nomathemba Christensen, drying a handful of utensils with a rag that looks dirtier than the floor. “I can charge these camera-toting cruisers five chips for a glass of water, and twelve for a sandwich — and they’ll happily pay it! The government should be encouraging tourism with an international advertising campaign.”
  3. “Businesses can’t function without customers, but we need corporate responsibility from the cruise line operators. What if we just apply fines every time they violate our town’s natural beauty?” suggests local police officer Victor Jefferson, opening a new bag of plastic hand restraints labeled ‘now 20% more circulation-restricting!’ “Chemical pollution, constant noise, tourists urinating in the fountains — all of these abhorrent side effects can be curbed by giving local governments the power to issue punitive fines. Of course, you should also hold CEOs more directly accountable...” He twirls a pair of handcuffs with a grin on his face.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, psychiatrists bizarrely accompany Leader to meetings with foreign heads of state.

2022-01-29 09:00

Clasp of Controversy

Dustin Wiseau, the young and charismatic Prime Minister of Brancaland, did not shake your hand at a recent meeting of world leaders. This caused considerable upset among many politicians at home. While the Brancalandian embassy insists that Wiseau simply didn’t see you, many Random Chaosian experts suggest that it was a political statement designed to undermine Random Chaos on the global stage.

  1. “How dare he?” fumes your irate Minister of Foreign Affairs, as she viciously tears apart photos of Mr. Wiseau. “I don’t give a damn about any of the hogwash Brancaland is releasing. There is no possible way he did not see you! It was a personal attack and he knows that offending you offends all of us. Demand an apology from Brancaland,” she pauses as a somewhat concerning grin spreads on her face, “or else!”
  2. “That Prime Minister is a charming young man,” coos your mostly-blind grandmother, while knitting you a too-small sweater. “Of course he couldn’t see you; the clothing you wear is far too easy to miss! Why not wear some more noticeable colors? You should, as leader, wear an outfit that matches the national flag! And over it, you could wear this beautiful sweater I just made you!” She beams at a security guard she mistakenly believes is you and hands the guard the sweater. “All yours, honey.”
  3. “Everyone needs to relax,” murmurs Alice Hayes, your Minister of Diplomatic Solutions, as she agrees to a draw in a chess match with your intern. “He may well have made a political statement, but instead of blowing your stack at Brancaland, why not sit down with Mr. Wiseau? After all, he may have had a bad day, considering his expression! Help him understand we aren’t enemies of Brancaland, and history will thank you. Angry responses never solved anything.”
  4. “You aren’t addressing the real problem!” exclaims Ebenezer Oz, your germophobe Health Minister, whose voice is muffled by a gas mask. “Handshakes are gross and unsanitary! You and Mr. Wiseau have thousands of germs on your hands, and all you’re doing is risking infectious diseases! Frankly, you should be thanking him for not passing his germs to you! You need to mandate proper hygienic practices - nothing ridiculous, just washing your hands very carefully every ten minutes - and make sure hand sanitizers and protective gloves are readily available.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's healthcare system has taken a "survival of the fittest" approach in administering care.

2022-01-29 03:00

A Sickening Dilemma

After encouraging the anti-vaccination movement, vaccine rates have continued to drop while Rubellan Measles has reached epidemic levels. As thousands more grow ill every day, voices across the nation are pleading with you to do something before the situation becomes completely untenable.

  1. “I warned you there would be consequences to encouraging this anti-vaccine movement!” reminds your Health Minister, ominously decked out in a full hazmat suit. “With drastic action we might still be able to right this ship: declare martial law, prevent all non-essential personnel from leaving their homes, and proclaim mandatory hospital quarantines for anyone who might be showing symptoms. With emergency funding for healthcare and the military, Random Chaos will endure. This may be a bitter pill to swallow, but without it, the results would be absolutely ghastly. And for Violet’s sake, bring back a comprehensive vaccination program!”
  2. “That would be horrendously expensive!” cries one of your more brutal body guards. “I have a solution that’s slightly more... direct. I say we take care of the problem before it can spread further. Put me in charge of a ‘Sanitation Squad’ and anyone who starts to show any signs of being sick with Rubellan Measles will be taken care of if you know what I mean.” He gestures at his weapon. “If everyone who is sick is ‘removed’, we will be disease free overnight.”
  3. “Domina Hyacinthinum, dona eis requiem,” chants local abbot, Father Gyurme Bush, while walking into the meeting and whacking himself in the head with a board. “Blessings, Leader. Rubellan Measles is clearly a plague sent by Violet to deal with the sinners in Random Chaos. If you tell the people to live their lives according to Violet’s will and order them to engage in daily self-flagellation, then faster than you can say ‘Amen’, Rubellan Measles will be a thing of the past!”
  4. “I’ve been thinking,” posits Wulfric Hernandez, who happens to be a Rubellan Measles survivor, “maybe this whole thing isn’t as bad as everyone is making it out to be? I mean sure lots of people are dying, but what about survival of the fittest, and all that? The end result from all this will eventually be a more disease resistant populace. Too much medical spending is wasted on keeping those alive that, to be perfectly frank, nature and genetics doesn’t intend to let live.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, thousands of children die every day from easily curable illnesses.

2022-01-28 21:00

A Shot in the Arm

The dreaded Rubellan Measles has made a sudden comeback in Random Chaos. The disease, which once killed millions, was thought to be wiped out after a vaccine was discovered fifty years ago. Medical professionals blame a recent anti-vaccination movement, which has turned immunization into a political football.

  1. “I’m not going to allow my babies to become slaves to Big Pharma!” bemoans parent and prominent anti-vaxxer Kendall Farmer. “Did you know that vaccines can cause autism and stunt a child’s development? I can show you several studies that say so! These pharmaceutical companies are even putting nanobots in their vaccines! Nanobots! It is the right of every parent to determine what is best for their children.”
  2. “Please. Those so-called studies are nothing but hokum,” counters your physician, Doctor Percival Mann, while checking your heartbeat with a stethoscope. “Vaccines save lives every single day. If it weren’t for vaccines, Rubellan Measles would have killed off half of Random Chaos’s population by now! There is absolutely no correlation between autism and vaccinations. Any scientist or doctor worth their degree will tell you that. If anything, we should make vaccinations mandatory for the health and well-being of Random Chaosians across the nation.” The doctor snaps on a rubber glove. “Now, let’s hurry this up. Cough, please.”
  3. “You know, we wouldn’t have these problems if the population was more scientifically aware,” muses amateur scientist Violet Sisko while pouring a vial of green liquid into a vial of purple liquid. “Movements like these are bred from ignorance and misinformation. If the government took an active role in promoting science and education this problem would go away. You could invest in real scientific studies and programs, make science classes mandatory in schools, and arrest any religious nuts who attempt to disrupt our work. Random Chaos would enter a new Golden Age!” The vials of liquid suddenly explode, covering your office with smoke and an unusually colored foam.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign students are expected to have a Kegmeister Grade Average of 36-24-36 to qualify for university.

2022-01-28 15:00

A Foreign Exchange of Ideas

As Random Chaosian universities are gaining recognition on the world stage, the country’s citizens have mixed feelings about the influx of international students trying to enroll.

  1. “Having a geographically diverse student body is crucial for expanding our young people’s minds and molding them into global citizens,” pontificates bespectacled Dean Goethe of Random Chaos City University, idly spinning a globe in her office. “Our classrooms must represent the world’s population, and that is best achieved by setting aside a percentage of all university places for foreign students. Just think of the prestige! Er... I mean, the perspectives!”
  2. “Random Chaosian universities are for Random Chaosian kids; it’s that simple,” shrugs concerned citizen Beth Moneypenny in between open-mouthed chewing of a sandwich in the university cafeteria. “It’s hard enough for brilliant students like my daughter to get into a school as good as this without facing competition from the rest of the dang world. Besides, those Bigtopian students don’t look too happy to be here anyway, do they?”
  3. Ned ‘Kegmeister’ Carey, a student known for his stunning grin and perfectly coiffed hair, bursts in. “Did I hear you talking about those bodacious foreign babes? My friends and I would totally help welcome these lovely international students to Random Chaos... as long as they’re total babes. Hey, there’s an idea! Why don’t we let foreign students in to study, but only if they’re hot enough to pass the Kegmeister’s test?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dogs are encouraged to confront the psychodynamic roots of their desire to be "good boys".

2022-01-28 09:00

Rodents of Unusual Sociability

Your brother’s pet guinea pig has been looking a little down recently, and a pet psychiatrist has revealed that this is a consequence of loneliness.

  1. “Guinea pigs are social animals, you know, and they don’t like to be alone,” murmurs the psychiatrist, snuggling close to you and purring gently. “It should be illegal for pet owners to have just a single guinea pig. In fact, there’s a whole bunch of rules we should make to enhance the psychological wellbeing of domestic pets. I’ve a list back at my place, if you want to pop over this evening, look it over, maybe share a fondue...”
  2. “It’s unfair to pile cost burdens on those of us who can’t afford a second pet,” complains your brother, adjusting his guinea pig’s sterling silver tiara and frilly silk ballet skirt. “An owner can give all the affection a pet needs. Though of course, it’d be nice if the state could pick up the bill for pet psychiatry. You’d like that, wouldn’t you Snooflette?”
  3. “Pet psychiatrists, state nannying, ugh! This is big government gone mad!” spits your Minister of Constructive Dismissal, whose own department doubled in size last year. “Look, you’ve got a TV spot on Gambler News tonight to talk about budgets or something or other; why don’t you use a minute of that to tell people that guinea pigs need companions? Quick, to the point, and most importantly, at no cost to the taxpayer.”
  4. “If a guinea pig is too miserable, its owner can just dispose of it and get a happier-looking one,” suggests passer-by Lola Bale, tossing a pet cat into a nearby wheeled bin. “Darwinism will take care of the rest, and within a few generations you’ll have a selected population of guinea pigs that doesn’t mind being alone.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes and the Top 10% for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, employers may fire workers without giving any reason.

2022-01-28 03:00

Tourism Workers Strike!

Workers across the nation have gone out on indefinite strike over what they claim are substandard wages in the tourism industry.

  1. “We are the backbone of this country, and we demand a fair wage rise!” says union leader Namgel Siskel. “I don’t think a 20% increase over two years is too much to ask. Unless the government forces employers to give us our due, we’ll shut this whole industry down! Let’s see how well Random Chaos’s economy manages without any tourism, huh?”
  2. “We pay our employees very generous wages,” says employer representative Stella Berlusconi. “Especially when you consider that without us, they’d be OUT ON THE STREET. Hear that, you scumbags? OUT ON THE STREET! Anyway, my point is, if you cave in, you make our entire industry uncompetitive. You can’t do that in the global marketplace. It’ll hurt the whole country. The best solution, economically speaking, would be to relax industrial laws and allow us to fire troublemakers on the spot.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, game show contestants scramble to fish trash out of the South Gambler Sea.

2022-01-27 21:00

One Nation’s Trash Is Another Nation’s Trash

A collection of fishermen’s unions have besieged the capitol with rubbish, all of which was caught during fishing expeditions. The fishermen claim they catch more novelty singing bass than actual fish in their nets, because the nation routinely dumps its waste in international waters.

  1. “Clean up your act, Leader; these heaps of Mad Max vs. Jar-Jar Binks 2 DVDs are just the tip of the iceberg!” hollers Kim Erso, an impoverished fisherman. “If you think all this rubbish obstructing your office view is bad, you should see what it’s like in the ocean. The fish are being killed off by makeshift continents of plastic and styrofoam and off-brand Jack Michaelson matryoshka dolls. Random Chaos needs to store its waste in landfills like other nations do, or we won’t have a fishing industry to speak of!”
  2. “I agree with the fishermen,” quietly says Penny MacIntyre, your Environmental Minister, whom you’ve never noticed before. “But let’s actually help Mother Earth this time round. Give my ministry a blank check for once, and then we can restructure our waste disposal towards recycling and cleaning up all that waste floating in the South Gambler Sea.”
  3. “Are we going to let some foreigners tell us what to do?” asks Yokpu Sims, an excessively patriotic citizen. “Our country is cleaner than ever! Never before has our glorious nation been so pristine! We should keep taking out our trash into the ocean, where it hurts no true Random Chaosian. And if people still complain about the international waste dumping, why don’t we cast the whiners into the sea too?”
  4. “There’s a better way,” claims a man who will only identify himself as the Captain, while welding a blender to a rusty supermarket trolley. “I have an idea for a TV show. Give teams of contestants ten hours to build crazy contraptions with rubbish fished out of the sea, and the winning team gets a free boat! I call it the Scrapsea Challenge. Sure, it won’t have a meaningful impact on the nautical pollution levels, but it will globally broadcast that Random Chaos is doing something for Mother Earth. Kind of. That publicity is worth a little government support, is it not?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ethnic minorities are often refused admission to some of the nation's best schools.

2022-01-27 15:00

Affirmative Action in Random Chaos?

After minority student Marek Smit was refused admission to a traditional, prestigious college, civil rights activists, conservatives, and teachers are up in arms about affirmative action and ethnic equality in education.

  1. “I think you’ll find there’s actually no problem here,” observes conservative speaker and hair care product salesperson Jenna Bonaparte. “A student wants to go to a particular school, but lacks the grades. Clearly, he should have studied harder in school. But oh, because he’s a so-called minority, it’s everyone else’s fault. I’m sorry, but the system is working perfectly well: What gets you into a good school is merit alone. Or, failing that, a generous donation.”
  2. “Are you blind, or do you simply refuse to see?” thunders civil rights activist, former TV commentator and unabashed publicity speaker Ned Hamilton. “Oh yes, it’s all perfectly equal, if we ignore the fact that this poor boy was stacking shelves to pay for textbooks in a falling-down school while the nice rich boys were enjoying private tutoring! Affirmative action is needed to balance out the very real disadvantages that many students grow up with! And there’s no better way to identify that disadvantage than with broad, sweeping demographics!”
  3. “I think you’re both loony,” says Sun Norris, professor of liberal arts at Random Chaos National University. “In my humble opinion, the solution is simple: make college education free to all. Why turn away anyone? Throw open the gates and make college education available to every citizen of Random Chaos, regardless of their economic status, grades, or work ethic!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's illegal to blow things up.

2022-01-27 09:00

The End Was Nigh

48 hours ago, Lieutenant Colonel Wangdi Burton of the Random Chaosian Air Defence Force received a nuclear missile detection alert advising him that an ICBM from the hostile nation of Blackacre was inbound for Random Chaos City. According to military protocol, he should have reported this immediately, which would have led to a nuclear counter-strike. However, he suspected a false alarm, and did not alert anyone of his findings until later. Subsequent investigations showed that the system had actually detected a red balloon.

  1. “Wangdi saved the world from apocalypse!” sings Mrs. Burton, his doting mother. “Had he reported this, we would all now be radioactive ash! He should be lauded as a hero, and a saviour of the world’s future! Speaking of the future, you should really put more tax money into malfunction detection training and overhauling the equipment. If my little angel isn’t on duty and something like this happens again, who knows what might happen?”
  2. “Sure, let’s reward him for not doing his job,” sneers your Minister of Propaganda. “We’d become an international laughingstock. Instead, we must pretend this never happened, and Wangdi Burton must be demoted and appropriately disciplined for breaking protocol.” He leans forward to whisper in your ear. “We’ll probably need to do something about his mother, too.”
  3. “The fact that we’re always on the verge of nuclear apocalypse is a real problem here,” suggests Chijioke Henderson, pacifist author of nonfiction paperback Nukes: What Are They Good For?. “We must get rid of all of our weapons of mass destruction, so we can avoid, you know, destroying the world.”
  4. “Hey, what idiot put a red balloon up there?” asks globophobe Willy Denbrough, who had a bad experience with a clown back in 1986. “They’re a waste of helium and are just useless nasty things. If we ban balloons, we’ll be sure this problem won’t arise again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the state believes that children are what you make of them.

2022-01-27 03:00

Is Our Children Learning?

When a relatively minor official in your government vowed to increase the standard of education in Random Chaos, the press came knocking on your door to ask how this might actually be done.

  1. “It’s all a question of money,” says veteran teacher Venus Benteen. “If we really care about education, we’ll make it our number one priority. Boost the education budget, halve the student-teacher ratio, and make sure every teacher has a master’s degree in education. After all, the children are our future.”
  2. “As much as I’d like to have more money, it’s really a question of most of the faculty belonging to one of the most powerful unions in the whole of Random Chaos that stops this school from being great,” says Principal Charlotte Gruber. “I can’t discover which teachers are good and reward them for their excellent work, nor fire the useless ones. Destroying teachers’ unions is perhaps the most important thing we could do.”
  3. “I think enforced specialization is the way to go,” says your defense minister, standing arm in arm with a bishop of a major religion and Random Chaos’s top CEO. “Specialization lets each focus on what they’re truly good at, and I’m sure that religious institutions, the military, and private companies would fork out a bit to train up the next generation, so we could save on taxes too.”
  4. “As we’ve proven in the past, the free market can manage this far better than the public sector,” says market-analyst Hayao Nahasapeemapetilon. “Now, I’m not saying that the state shouldn’t help people go to school - far from it. Still, schools need greater freedom to maximize learnedness: to set their own tuition, salaries, curricula, etc. Give private schools a small government subsidy, and let the free market take its course. So what if a few poor kids drop out earlier? You can’t make omelettes without breaking a few eggs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, athletes and street criminals compete for solid steel baseball bats.

2022-01-26 21:00

Swing and a Miss

The Random Chaos City Gamblers, Random Chaos’s publicly funded baseball team, have reached record levels of unpopularity. The team failed to reach the Batter Up! Baseball League playoffs, and its players have fallen short of qualifying for international tournaments. What’s more, many Random Chaosians aren’t even wearing team hats. Financial advisors have expressed concern over the costs of maintaining the team and the stadium.

  1. “Give me a Z, give me a Z, give me a Z, this game puts me to sleep,” yawns Emma Black, a season ticket holder for the national chess league. “I’ll tell you why nobody cares about this team: It’s because baseball is boring. Who wants to sit around and watch a bunch of jocks smack a ball around with a stick? I say we disband the team and stop wasting the taxpayers’ money on sporting events. As the old saying goes, it’s better to support a sound mind than a men’s sauna... or something like that.”
  2. “The problem isn’t sports; the problem is baseball itself!” exclaims avid ice hockey fan Kanye Hadfield, proudly sporting a Brancalandian jersey. “I agree with nerdlinger here; baseball is boring. I’m sure if you invested in a more exciting sport, like the Brancalandian pastime of hockey, this wouldn’t be a problem. Hockey has everything: excitement, action, blood, sweat, and tears! All you need to do is switch up the sport and remodel the arena, and I guarantee you that hockey will bring all the fans to the yard, err, ice.”
  3. “Don’t hate the game, hate the playing!” comments sleazy wrestling manager Palutena Nimoy, whose bling is so shiny it temporarily blinds the hockey fan. “Why don’t you simply change the rules of the league to make it more exciting for the masses? Encourage fighting, throw in some real gamblers to chase the players, establish a proper gambling framework, and start up a steroid program to make sure they hit the ball with some serious power. The traditionalists might not like it, but nobody can deny the chips that will be flowing in!”
  4. “Or better yet, you could sell the team to the private sector,” suggests Willie Trevelyan, CEO of gaming giant Funtendo. “It is obvious that you know nothing about how to manage a nation... I mean, a sports team. If you let us buy the Gamblers, I promise you they will be the best team in all of The Hatrackia. All I ask in return is that you allow us to place advertisements in the stadium.”
  5. The coach of the Gamblers stands up and begins playing some inspirational music on his cell phone before addressing the team, who somehow all manage to fit in your office. “Listen up, team. We know that there’s a lot of naysayers out there who think that we’re a waste of money or don’t contribute anything to Random Chaosian society. You know what I say to that? What a load of sunflower seeds! I’ll tell you what this team has: We have heart, passion, and pride, something I say the rest of Random Chaos is lacking. Getting rid of our team spits in the face of our fans who’ve supported us since the beginning, and is an insult to our way of life. Now let’s go out there and win that game!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, major cities shut down as their local sports team takes to the field every day.

2022-01-26 15:00

Baseball League Steps Up to the Plate

The Batter Up! Baseball League has begun to grow in popularity and is now seeking government support in establishing teams and stadiums throughout the nation.

  1. “Holy cow, is this gonna be great!” hollers BUBL President and sports nut Alexander Chavez, waving a fashionable giant foam finger. “Baseball is just what Random Chaos needs right now! Think about it: soda, popcorn, hot dogs... oh, and I’m sure the economy will benefit somehow, too! All we need is the government funding to build stadiums and teams, and we’ll be on every TV and in every city in the country!”
  2. “You’re going to spend the taxpayer’s money on WHAT?” counters Minister of Finance Efthamia Ives, from a newly furnished office. “I mean, I love playing a good game of baseball every now and then, but does the government really need to go around supporting this? The only people that are going to benefit are a bunch of fat-cat burger vendors and bored hicks with nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon! We need to stop spending so much money on these ridiculous games and get back to what’s really important: running the business of the country.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaos Automotive Racing Series draws millions of spectators annually while those near the tracks complain about the noise.

2022-01-26 09:00

Random Chaos’s Racers Growing Fast and Furious

Illegal street racing and racing-related injuries are on the rise, causing many infamous racers to begin rallying for an officially sanctioned racing series and track facilities in order to safely satisfy their need for speed.

  1. “If you don’t let us race on real racetracks, then we’ll just keep running on the roads at night!” says racing fans’ favorite Hermione Larkin, at the wheel of a tricked-out Honda. “Would it kill you guys to build a couple of nice big professional race facilities? Think of the money you’d make on charging admission and selling drinks and stuff! And it’d be a lot safer than all of us tearing around on public roads! Forget about the people griping about the noise pollution!”
  2. “Don’t tell me you plan to cater to these speed freaks!” police officer Martin Ryan comments over coffee and donuts. “Encouraging this sport is only going to increase the street racing problem because all these punks who can’t afford to run the professional circuit are going to want to satisfy their lead feet the way they have been! What we need is more police funding to crack down on these punk hotrodders.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a PhD just ain't what it used to be.

2022-01-26 03:00

All Systems Post-Nominal

After several avoidable deaths were blamed on the incompetent medical advice of “Marius Lopez MD”, an individual operating from a shady office on the outskirts of Random Chaos City, investigation revealed that he was using the letters MD without possessing a medical license, nor indeed any form of qualification.

  1. “I never lied to anybody!” wheedles the accused individual over the phone, from the bunker where he has gone into hiding. “I never said I was a Medical Doctor, and I didn’t post any signs calling my office a clinic. In fact, obviously, the initials stand for Managing Director. I merely gave advice to whomever happened to come by, and they paid me for my wisdom! Is it a crime to be wrong? Whatever happened to free speech?”
  2. “My diagnosis: misuse of post-nominal letters. The prescription: board certification!” pontificates Doctor Sashona Shewhart, president of the Random Chaos Medical Association, while scribbling illegibly in a notepad. “There are professional associations for nearly all reputable occupations: MDs, CPAs, even the lawyers with their cute little ‘Esq.’ title! You must require that an individual be certified by a proper professional association before using any kind of letters after their name, for the public’s sake.”
  3. “I agree that we need credentialing, but the government ought to handle it,” opines Anne-Marie Beethoven, your Deputy Minister for Expanding Bureaucracy. “Can we really trust private groups to handle membership fairly? That’s just begging for corruption and nepotism. We’ll set standards that will be the same all across Random Chaos, and the paper trail we create — signed in triplicate and filed appropriately — will ensure we know exactly who is allowed to call themselves what!”
  4. “Occupational titles?” asks your protocol assistant, straightening his cravat. “Oh no, what the government needs is some new titles of its own, to recognize citizens that have served us well! Imagine — the Leader Medal of Freedom! The Random Chaos Legion of Merit! Maybe even bring back knighthoods and earldoms and duchies? That’s how you show some appreciation! Those are the only post-nominals that should be allowed, and the only ones that matter!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, women complaining about lack of opportunity are told to "man up".

2022-01-25 21:30

1x, 2x, 3x, a Lady

Globally, the fields of engineering, technology and science have historically seen women significantly under-represented. Independent magazine Women’s Problems Monthly has engaged in a root cause analysis to investigate, noting that a major contributor to this is girls losing interest in mathematics at school, with a knock-on reduction in applications for maths-related degree courses.

  1. “There’s a cultural poison at the root of this where boys and girls get assigned toys, magazines and hobbies according to arbitrary societal expectations of gender roles,” complains ardent replica sword collector Cortana Love. “Boys get chemistry kits and toy robots. Girls get baby dolls and make-up sets. Is it any wonder they think mathematics and science aren’t meant for them? We must legislate to regulate in retail, advertising, parenting and primary education!”
  2. “Leave our kids alone! Boys and girls are different; it’s just opportunity that needs to be made more equal,” declares tiara-wearing nuclear physicist Samus Shongwe, clutching her pink unicorn pencil case protectively. “It’s in higher education and the workplace that the self-perpetuating old boys’ club mentality exists. You should set a reasonable quota for education and employment, to ensure neither gender represents more than 70% of intake.”
  3. “Women’s talent exists, it’s just that SOME useless girls won’t go out and take the opportunities that are already there,” declares Jadzia Bell, a venture capitalist renowned for her cut-throat business style, as she breaks wind loudly and scratches at her unshaved armpits. “Too many teenage ‘princesses’ think that it is unfeminine to be ambitious. If they prefer to associate self-worth with personal grooming and fashion rather than intellect and financial success, then they deserve what they get. Don’t patronise an entire gender, Leader; just let individuals rise and fall according to their own merits.”
  4. “Uh... I don’t really like to be the token male voice here,” whispers token male voice Andreas Grimes, “but the reason I got into maths was the same reason I got into wargames, model trains and chess club. I’d rather do guy things with guys! Can’t you instead encourage this positive trend? Give student grants to men who study male courses, like maths and engineering. You can give grants to women for female subjects, like knitting, drama and so on. That’d be equal, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rabbits are known to spontaneously explode without warning.

2022-01-25 15:00

Intelligent Design

Animal rights activists have petitioned the government to ban the selective breeding of pets to enhance certain characteristics, due to the genetic defects that this causes. After your office was inundated with letters filled with disturbing, yet adorable pet pictures, a meeting has been arranged to hopefully put the issue to sleep.

  1. A lone activist on all fours lets out a howl of despair in solidarity with her animal brethren before speaking. “Arthritis, skeletal deformation, and brain compression: these are just some of the terrible medical conditions caused by the public’s desire for ‘cute’ pets. Features in breeds like the Maxtopian fold cat and the Lilliputian munchkin rabbit are getting more exaggerated, putting the animals’ health in greater danger. The government should ban the continued breeding and sale of pets that have severe health conditions due to selective breeding.”
  2. “Rrrrgraf!” barks Mr. Fuzzykins, the darling Smalltopian hound of Z-list celebrity Berlin Chilton, who translates for her pooch. “Mr. Fuzzykins says that you shouldn’t listen to this drama queen, and he wants everyone to know that it isn’t at all a burden to him that he’s always short of breath and small enough to live in a mini purse. It just makes him more adorable! Isn’t that right, baby? Designer pets represent a person’s right to choose, and these activists want to take that away. We should be encouraging and funding selective breeding so that we can create even much more cuter pets!”
  3. “I agree with Ms. Chilton, but it’s not just about choice — this is my livelihood!” whimpers the owner of a local pet shop. “I’m already tied up in knots by bureaucratic diktats that force me to spend my hard-earned chips just to be issued licenses telling me what I can and can’t sell and how many bodies I need to run the shop. The government needs to stop pandering to the feelings of those who want to ruin my business and relax the rules on poor pet shop owners like me. Oh, and can I get a genetic sample from that excellent dog?”
  4. “Leader, such animals present us with an interesting opportunity,” proclaims your Junior Minister of War, snatching Mr. Fuzzykins from his irate owner. “This dog may not look like an awesome weapon of destruction now, but with some selective breeding and a lot of gene editing, we could have a whole battalion of elite canine warriors! We need to get ahead of countries like Dàguó — they’ve already created super muscular beagles with the help of genome engineering. With your approval, Mr. Fuzzykins here can become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, formerly internationally exported goods are now given away for free.

2022-01-25 09:00

Should Be Sufficient

Embracing autarky has reduced access to Merovingian chocolate and Gallopavian flowers, but the Random Chaosian economy has more or less survived the transition. However, in the distant tiny island nation of Copiluaca, economic activity was formerly almost entirely dependent on selling coffee to Random Chaos, leaving them with crippling unemployment, tens of thousands in poverty, and an imminent famine.

  1. “How could we have done this to the poor Copiluacans?” asks Marina Sanchez, your Minister of Progress. “Without chips flowing into their nation, they’re falling apart! We need to go all-out and send them as much aid as we can. This is our mess, and our responsibility.”
  2. “If a nation can’t survive on its own, then we’re not doing it any favours by giving it charity,” says your grumpy Defence Minister, pouring herself a bowl of cereal. “Autarky is a moral choice, borne of opposition to globalism. We should propagate that ideological position with a little tough love. We should blockade their ports and patrol their airspace to stop any remaining international trade getting in or out, and they’ll be forced to self-sufficiency. Give a man fish and you feed him for a day. Force him to fish at gunpoint, and he’ll fish like his life depends on it. Which it does.”
  3. “What about Althaniq, and West Calypso, and Marche Blanc?” inquires novelty latex hat manufacturer Simon Annan, who used to export to all three nations. “That’s a lot of nations not getting the benefit of essential, high-quality Random Chaosian products. Abandoning the global marketplace was a mistake — let a little free trade back into our lives!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Welfare Programs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ill and injured visitors in Random Chaos have to walk it off until they return home.

2022-01-25 03:00

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Incredibly Sick!

Healthcare in Random Chaos is widely acknowledged as among the best in the world. Hospitals have seen a steady influx of patients from abroad. However, with so much medical tourism, there are claims that this is making it difficult for native Random Chaosians to access their own healthcare system.

  1. “This is outrageous!” screams Pietro Eko, who is camped outside Random Chaos City Public Hospital under a makeshift tent. “I came in for a routine checkup over a week ago, and no one has seen me yet. There are too many foreigners taking up our doctors’ valuable time! We have to ban access to healthcare services for all non-citizens. It’s not our fault their healthcare systems aren’t as good as ours. Realistically, this is the only way to guarantee the Random Chaosian people are getting the healthcare we deserve.”
  2. “Whoa there!” interrupts Dr. Whoopi Love, the nation’s leading posterior surgeon. “We have definitely been swamped with foreign patients, but turning them down altogether seems a bit harsh. How about we only accept non-citizens as patients if they have contracted a life-threatening illness or injury while traveling through Random Chaos? That way, we won’t turn away the needy in our own country, but we also won’t be besieged with patients from other nations.”
  3. “Now hold on!” shouts your Secretary of Health as she stumbles in with excitement. “This presents a great opportunity! There’s no question that our healthcare resources are some of the best in the world. Why shouldn’t we use this as leverage to cash in on foreign desperation? We could make a lot of chips by charging steep fees to non-citizens! This way, only those willing to pay can get in, and the extra money will ensure that our hospitals are well-equipped for the influx. It’s a win-win solution! Well, except for the poor foreigners, but you can’t save them all.”
  4. “Where is your compassion?” chides foreign celebrity Colleen Shongwe, who has had extensive cosmetic surgery performed at Random Chaosian hospitals. “You can’t simply shun your foreign patients! Some of these people don’t even have basic medical care in their home countries. You have to grow a heart and understand that people only come to you because you’re the best. I say that you should welcome all visitors to your hospitals, regardless of national status, and treat them as your own. If you have to send more tax funds to healthcare to accomplish this, it’s only right that you do so!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, marine biology students are shocked to discover that a whale is a mammal.

2022-01-24 21:00

A for Effort

A home-schooled student with perfect grades was kicked out of Random Chaos City University after failing the first semester.

  1. “This is not fair!” berates Heather Tarkin, the student’s mom, her face turning the color of beetroot as she glares at you accusingly. “How can colleges kick out a student after they’ve enrolled? It’s as if they don’t believe the grades I gave him! My little cherub worked so hard in his high school years, and now it’s all for nothing. Leader, you must make it a law that colleges cannot boot out anyone after they’ve been accepted.”
  2. “Do you see these papers?” asks Zachary Chandra, the university’s admissions counsellor. “Copies of rejection letters sent to applicants who were declined a space because of this sub-par student! I think that we need to take some serious measures to make sure that home-schooled students have their grades checked and verified by the state.”
  3. “Why are college entrance criteria so elitist anyway?” enquires Danu Huxley, an intern who has just completed a college paper on socialism. “Why not just make going to college mandatory for every Random Chaosian? College education should be free for all until the age of 24. Yes, it will require a boost in taxation to pay for it, but everyone will surely appreciate their government-funded master’s degree.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, old folks reminisce about the last time someone was acquitted of a crime.

2022-01-24 15:00

Hearsay Heresy

In a recent high profile trial in Random Chaos City, notorious mobster Maxine ‘The Octopus’ Barryotti was accused of murder, racketeering, grand theft, and jaywalking. The trial ended in acquittal on all counts after several witnesses - who had given detailed and damning out-of-court statements to police - failed to come to court. The prosecutor’s office has now come to you demanding that Random Chaos review its laws regarding the use of out-of-court statements.

  1. “What a miscarriage of justice!” shouts disgruntled district attorney Haley Dent, as she flings a huge stack of police reports on your desk. “Look at all of these great statements made by a dozen witnesses, but now that jerk Maxine goes free just because they didn’t personally show up. You know how hard it is to wrangle up a dozen witnesses for trial? Like herding bats! That trial should have ended in a guilty verdict after five minutes, but the way things are it’s a coin-flip whether justice is done or not. If a witness makes a report to a cop, that cop should be able to testify to what was said.”
  2. “You can’t be serious!” cries family attorney Tam Hagen, who defended Barryotti. “Don’t you realize we have this rule against out-of-court statements for a reason? A person can only have a fair trial if they get to confront their accuser face to face in open court. Sometimes the reason witnesses don’t show up to trial is that they know they were lying to police all along! Allowing in all of these out-of-court statements will mean more innocent people get convicted. Sure, sometimes a guilty person will go free... ahem, not my client of course, but some actually guilty person. But isn’t it better a thousand guilty people go free than to wrongfully convict even a single person?”
  3. “All of this is too complicated,” interrupts Mark Commodus, an imperious-seeming minister, “and this right here is why people are so darn sick of all these courts and legal shenanigans. Seems like any way you slice it, dumb rules get in the way of justice. I propose a third way: bring back trial by combat! Let the accused wrestle with a gambler, and if they win they didn’t do it and get to go free. If they lose, we bury their remains in a shallow grave. It’s a foolproof system that our ancestors used for a thousand years, and I’ll tell ya, they didn’t waste a pretty penny on it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, petitioners are increasingly resorting to climbing through Leader's window to draw attention to their issues.

2022-01-24 09:00

Leader, Tear Down This Door!

After countless people barged into your office through the front door, never mind the window, your door has become quite dilapidated. You decided to hold a small meeting on how to fix the problem, and now your office is filled with people holding surprisingly strong opinions regarding such a minor topic.

  1. “Leader, how can you stand working in an office with a door barely attached to its hinges? People are going to think our nation is as broken as this door!” exclaims your secretary, Gyelbu Holst, after clearing away today’s new petitions. “You need a brand new door. Oh! How about a rich Marche Noirian Mahogany? It would have beautiful ornamentation filled with national symbolism. Maybe we could replace the drapes while we’re at it. That’s sure to make Random Chaos look great again! Well, at the very least, your office will.”
  2. “I see random people of no importance barging into your office and dumping all of their problems on your desk for you to handle!” shouts your head of security, Malon Pelosi, while slamming the remainder of the office door. “Let me beef up your security here and install a sturdy iron door. Then only people with worthy issues will seek your counsel.”
  3. “That’s too old school!” interjects Tamara, your nerdy niece. “Why not install a force field door? It could glow neon blue and look so cool and stuff! Force fields probably aren’t radioactive, right?”
  4. “Why not make yourself a little spending money?” suggests wealthy industrialist Edward Rump as he adjusts his toupee. “You should have a yuuuuuge statue of yourself in front of the door. Random Chaosians insert chips into the statue, and you can judge their worthiness based on how much they pay their respects.”
  5. “Leader, tear down this door!” hollers a random jellybean-eating passerby who seems to have wandered into your office. “If you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for Random Chaos and The Hatrackia, tear down this door!” The interloper is promptly removed by security.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Corrupt Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, attendance of fathers at PTA meetings is at an all-time high.

2022-01-24 03:00

Teacher’s Past Blown Wide Open

A local kindergarten teacher was fired this weekend when the parent of one of her students uncovered her previous job as an adult film star. The teacher has filed a wrongful termination lawsuit against the school.

  1. “It’s disgraceful that this harlot was ever allowed around children!” spits PTA head Chongba Gates, spraying your face as he speaks. “If someone of this ill repute can breeze into a job with children, then clearly our vetting processes simply aren’t robust enough. We ought to beef up our interviews, maybe start trading tips with national intelligence agencies so we get the best possible candidates. Our children are worth it.”
  2. “I just fail to see why it’s anyone’s business,” retorts the fired teacher, Sasha Bleu, while twirling her hair around her finger. “It’s not as if I’m adding my old movies to the lesson plan. Really, no one would have known if it weren’t for a nosy parent. Sounds like someone’s secretly a fan of mine! Tell these holier-than-thou prudes to mind their own business - all that matters is the job I’m doing now.”
  3. “We need to take this a step further!” declares noted feminist activist Llewellyn Mendeleev, trying to burn his bra, but only succeeding in melting the latex a little. “Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s a beautiful part of being alive and frankly the level of slut-shaming going on here is absolutely deplorable. Sasha needs to be celebrated, not punished! In fact, maybe government should be subsidising adult entertainment!”
  4. “Random Chaos has travelled too far down a dark path,” reprimands Bishop Rosita Stewart, who is sprinkling holy water on Ms. Bleu. “I agree something must be done, but we must treat the disease, not the symptom. We must ban videos of the naked form, and indeed, prohibit nakedness anywhere but in private chambers.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, coffee cups have grown in size to accommodate the huge ingredients list.

2022-01-23 21:00

A Recipe for Success?

Popular coffee chain Moonbucks recently found itself in hot water after its Moonbucks Magic Mocha Machiatto Mixer was found to include ingredients that might lead to an increased risk in cancer, or at least a really upset stomach. Moonbucks had been using these substances despite knowing about their bad press, but as the ingredients list wasn’t visible or published anywhere they had escaped comment until now.

  1. “I can’t believe that these companies aren’t forced to disclose everything in their products!” yells frequent coffee-slurper Roberto Barrow, a little hyped up from his fifteenth espresso of the morning. “The government needs to force every company to disclose a full list of ingredients regardless of the product, as well as health warnings! We need to know when our drinks contain harmful chemicals!” He points at you accusingly with a trembling index finger, twitching visibly from caffeine overload.
  2. “There’s no harm from the additives in our products!” says Achenar ‘Cappuccino’ Mozart, CEO of Moonbucks, sipping from a glass of plain tap water. “No one has come to any harm... yet. People need to quit worrying about what’s in the things they eat or drink and just learn to relax. The government should buy everyone a Moonbucks frappucino to help them with that.”
  3. “Coffeeheads, I ask you...” sighs tea-lover Earl Gray, sipping delicately from a china cup. “Why does anyone drink coffee, anyway? You should tax the foul stuff, and redirect those funds into subsidising more civilised drinks. Then perhaps while we take tea, we can enjoy the more cultured things in life - like a classic book or a proper biscuit.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, judicial torture is outsourced overseas.

2022-01-23 15:00

Court in the Middle

Vlad Leopold, the despised Tasmanian war criminal and international fugitive, was recently captured by the Random Chaosian police while in hiding just outside of Random Chaos City. With members of the international community wanting to see justice, the question of jurisdiction has arisen.

  1. “This dastardly fiend committed numerous crimes against humanity,” states Ilya Longfellow, a prosecutor from the The Hatrackia Criminal Court. “Therefore, it is obvious that Leopold’s trial falls under the jurisdiction of the international court. We’ll start legal proceedings against him, adhering to the letter of the law, and in less than five years his sentence will be announced.”
  2. “This monster killed my father,” snarls the Tasmanian ambassador Michelle Shatner, wiping tears of anger and grief from her eyes. “Also my sister, my two best friends and my great uncle. My point is, we Tasmanians were wronged by him, and we deserve our retribution. We, the Tasmanian people, must be allowed to prosecute and then punish this genocidal villain.” She picks up a set of thumbscrews and looks at you meaningfully.
  3. “This arrest was the finest moment of my career, and also a big moment for Random Chaos,” counters Tendi Beckham, the national police chief. “Leopold slaughtered a few Random Chaosian volunteers in the Tasmanian Civil War, so we can rightfully try him for murdering our own citizens. Everyone can whine all they want, but the fact is they couldn’t catch him. We did. It’s our sovereign right to try criminals captured on our territory.”
  4. Finally, a man in dark sunglasses and with a mysterious tattoo of an all-seeing eye on his wrist, whom you don’t remember seeing enter the room, whispers in your ear, “What Leopold did wrong wasn’t the indiscriminate decimation of the Tasmanian population. It’s that he wasn’t smart about it. He’s got raw potential, sure. If you give him to me, I’ll make sure he becomes much more efficient, professional and covert in his work. You can also trust that this time, he’ll be working for the good guys.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, running away is an essential part of the elite forces' hand-to-hand training.

2022-01-23 09:00

Bringing a Bayonet to a Gunfight

It’s budget time and the military is in a fierce ideological struggle: should bayonets continue to be issued to the troops?

  1. “There’s nothing more terrifying than the sight of Random Chaosian steel!” asserts veteran General Matsenjwa, while skewering one of your childhood teddy bears that you still keep on your desk with a shank. “The bayonet is a tried and tested weapon; having a blade at the end of your gun is an essential back-up. Besides, it’s hardly like they’re the most expensive thing in the arsenal. Also, make sure the navy and air force have them too; you’ll never know when they’ll come in handy.”
  2. “Really, this is how you fight a modern war?” inquires Lieutenant Smithers, a rather suave junior officer, who then shoots the same teddy bear with a pistol. “Bayonets are relics of a by-gone era, kept alive only by old generals and LARPers. We kill our enemies from hundreds of kilometres away these days! The money saved by not purchasing millions of useless knives could instead buy us a nice new attack helicopter.”
  3. “Helicopters? Rifles? Nothing personal, Leader, but we only need an absolute minimum of military personnel for ceremonial duties,” declares Major Boothroyd, one of your more eccentric officers, as she swats the poor teddy bear with a Zweihander sword. “Imagine our finest soldiers wearing elegant full-dress uniforms and armed only with traditional swords. Have them stand at attention at sentry posts around our great capital and get them to change the guard every afternoon in front of your residence. Tourists will be delighted by such a show. That’s what a military should be used for!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Lowest Crime Rates.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government strictly regulates whale harvest quotas.

2022-01-23 03:00

A Whale of a Problem

Following a two hour TV exposé on the growing incidence of whaling off Random Chaos’s shores, environmentalists are up-in-arms and pressing the government to outlaw the practice.

  1. “Whales are being exploited by soulless capitalists!” screams infamous environmental activist Dorothy Cooper. “These majestic creatures are a crucial part of the food chain. Do you have any idea what damage their extinction would cause? End this barbaric business, or have the blood of innocent creatures on your hands forever!”
  2. “Whale meat is a part of our culture,” says Jeffrey Kettering, owner of a top-rated seafood restaurant in Random Chaos City. “It’s one of the staple foods of Random Chaos. The whaling market is booming! Half my menu is whale! A ban on whaling would destroy the entire seafood industry. Listen, the ocean is chock-full of whales - in fact, some may say there are too many whales. If anything, we should abolish any marine animal protection laws we’ve got left.”
  3. “QUOTAS!” yells Naomi Rifkin, one of your top advisors, snapping out of a stupor. “We allow whaling up to a certain quota limit. We can meet with some marine biologists and figure out a number that both maintains the whale population and allows restaurants to get their main dish. Of course, it’ll require a boost in funding to the coast guard to make sure these whalers are sticking to the quota, but what’s a few chips to save the whales?”
  4. “It’s not enough!” bellows Urkyen Young, head of the radical anti-whaling group Ocean Overseers while menacing you with a handful of rancid butter. “The government needs to allow armed intervention against these seafaring murderers! We can bring film crews along and make a reality TV show out of it! Oh, sure, some people on whaling vessels might get hurt or even killed, but that’s just what people who exploit nature for money deserve!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, farm turkeys are given high doses of antidepressants to take their minds off the holiday season.

2022-01-22 21:00

Resistance Is Fertile

An outbreak of an antibiotic-resistant super-bacterium has killed five people in Random Chaos City, and epidemiologists are linking the emergence of this strain to contaminated chicken meat from poultry given regular doses of antibiotics. Health officials, farmers and consumers are searching for solutions to prevent another outbreak.

  1. “There’s a simple solution,” says Marin Kwan, head of the Random Chaos Public Health Board. “Ban antibiotic use on animals. Antibiotic overuse promotes drug-resistant bacteria, and the chemicals involved are also tainting the food chain. If animals get sick, cull them. Super-bugs will be a thing of the past!”
  2. “The government must not do that!” shouts Taylor Rubin, Head Poultry Butcher at ChickensBoxed Inc. “We will lose revenue and efficiency! We raise thousands of birds here and antibiotics allow us more meat per unit, more units per square metre and more units per chip. You should allow us to use whatever drugs we need to keep the farming industry strong!”
  3. “Does anyone forget to mention why chickens get sick?” asks young farmer Kirby Allen, as he pets Mrs. Tweedy, the favourite of his five chickens. “It’s because they are cooped up in cages, unable to move, to develop their bodies, and exercise. The solution is for free-range farming to be mandatory. Meat will then be fresher, healthier and better tasting. We’ll need more room, of course, so perhaps the government could donate us some city parks to convert?”
  4. “Wait a minute! Has anybody thought about the little guy here? By which I mean, the poor, destitute pharmaceuticals industry?” questions Big Pharma executive Byron Fraser, as he steps off his private jet. “If you block out sales, our profits will fall by several percent, and jobs will be lost. Perhaps instead subsidise investment into the NEXT generation of antibiotics? That way farmers can use antibiotics all day long, and we’ll likely still have new tools to treat sick patients with.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's hospitals are criticized for caring more about profits than patients.

2022-01-22 15:00

It’s Our Lot in Life

Random Chaos City General Hospital is facing heavy criticism for towing a cancer patient’s car away for failing to pay the parking fees. Critics claim that the charges are far too high and that the hospital acted cruelly, while the hospital insists that the income source is necessary to help offset costs of operation.

  1. “The hospital is already charging us up to our eyeballs in medical bills, and this adds further insult to our literal injuries!” complains Cyrus Barker, a hospital patient seen dragging along an IV bag. “The government must crack down on these greedy hospitals taking advantage of the sick. Ban them from charging people to park their cars! If they’re really that strapped for cash, they can always run a charity drive or something.”
  2. “You people do realize that our private hospitals cost money to run, right?” asks Ivanka Golightly, the CEO of Random Chaos City General. “We get thousands of patients and visitors each day that we need to look after, and the fees we collect from parking greatly help us pass the savings down to our custom... er... patients. Look, if people want to avoid parking rates, then the government can just pay the charges.”
  3. “As always, the private sector has a solution!” exclaims Morty Morgan, owner of a ride sharing service. “What if patients and hospital visitors called us and we drove them right to the hospital? That way they won’t have to worry about their cars getting towed. We’ve also been looking to get into the ambulance service, and with some government funding, we could expand our business model across all of Random Chaos! Apply competition and market forces to emergency transportation, and watch those response times fall!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, blind dates tend to result in bruised shins.

2022-01-22 09:00

Turning a Blind Eye?

When a blind man and his guide gambler were recently refused service in Random Chaos City restaurant ‘The Haute Potato’, it started a heated debate that few had seen coming.

  1. “This is a real eye-opener!” exclaims Mathias Murdock, head of the Random Chaosian Blind Trust, speaking to a large group of cane-wielding protesters. “This discrimination against the blind and partially-sighted has gone on for too long. Not only should we be allowed to take our companions and guardians wherever we go, now is the time to realize our vision of a society completely accessible for the visually impaired!”
  2. “Gamblers must be kept out of restaurants; why can’t these people see that?” queries Minerva Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff, a young chef from ‘The Haute Potato’, reeking of paprika. “It’s not that I don’t understand, really, I do, but it’s a health issue, you know. Imagine that thing entering the kitchen; you’d get their fur or scales or whathaveyou all over the buffet,” she asserts confidently while her sweat trickles down into tonight’s baba ganoush. “He should just tie his gambler outside along with any other mutt. They still have their canes, don’t they?”
  3. Your gambler-walker, Leia Duras, who has 20/20 vision, rambles at you whilst untangling several leads. “Why are we only thinking of the blind here? I can’t see why the blind should be able to take their gamblers into restaurants, while my poor babies still have to be tied out in the rain. You’ll let me take my gamblers into restaurants as well, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government merely sends empty platitudes whenever natural disasters strike foreign nations.

2022-01-22 03:00

A “Friend” in Need

The aggressive nation of Blackacre has been struck with a series of massive natural disasters that have killed tens of thousands and destroyed sanitation, transit, and economic infrastructure, with the likely consequence of great suffering for millions in the coming months. This has presented you with the moral quandary of whether or not you should come to the aid of a nation that has frequently declared its hatred for Random Chaos and the Random Chaosian way of life.

  1. “Well, it serves them darn well right!” shouts your infuriated Minister of Defense, furiously kicking your expensive imported mahogany desk and sending your papers flying. “An eye for an eye, I say! They insulted us multiple times, and they got what they deserved. As a matter of fact, now is the perfect time to truly pay them back for their slander of our great nation! They want aid? How about we aid them by sending some missiles aimed right at their capital? That’ll show them!”
  2. “Not that I don’t agree with Mr. Compassionate over here, but that particular method only seems to stir up unwanted trouble,” notes Agnes Nixon, Random Chaos’s top chess master and military strategist. “Frankly, there’s a much better way of making our point without causing so much international outcry. Why not provide them aid, but so much of it that they become dependent on us for survival? Flood them with food, but do nothing to help their farmers. Supply them with power, but don’t build power infrastructure. Then, when they’ve lost any capacity to support themselves, start charging them! We can look good internationally while secretly waging war against their economy.”
  3. “It’s just too much effort these days to try to take over another country,” sighs Doménikos Trudeau, former soldier and current aide to the Minister of Foreign Affairs. “For that matter, it’s too much effort to even provide aid when we have so much to focus on here. Crime, poverty, resources, and all that. It’s a shame what’s happened, but we aren’t the only nation in the world. Let’s cut all aid. There’s probably some other nation that’ll be foolish enough to help them out, anyway.”
  4. “Regardless of what Blackacre’s government’s actions have been in the past, there are millions of innocent civilians who are going to be harmed or even killed,” suggests your secretary while cleaning the mess of papers off your desk. “How would you feel if you were homeless and hungry, and others turned a blind eye? This is a humanitarian disaster. We need to send aid and do whatever we can to help. Helping them is the moral thing to do, and that’s all there is to it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, school children asked "what is two times two?" are likely to form a symposium to discuss how different answers make them feel.

2022-01-21 21:00

How to Examine Your Testees

At the International Conference of Education, head-teachers and education ministers generally have a drink or ten and get a chance to meet their peers from across the world. The conference happens to be in Random Chaos this year and having nothing better to do one night, you decide to attend a mixer. As it happens, the topic of conversation is Standardised Testing...

  1. Dàguó Education Director Hoo Yu Wan Hia, apparently misunderstanding the nature of the social-mixer, has set up a projector upon a platter of hors d’oeuvres and is currently word-for-word reading off PowerPoint slides. “In Dàguó, standardised tests assess student performance throughout education. Centile-scoring streams the students, gives accurate comparison, and identifies the cream of the crop for industry roles. Next slide, please. This is the foundation of economic success, and also why Dàguó children are so much better at maths and science than the lazy and undisciplined children of your nations. You should adopt the Dàguó system. Any questions?”
  2. “Constant testing teaches children only how to pass tests,” interjects Antti Markkanen, a progressive head teacher from the socialistic nation of Skandilund, carefully putting down his drink. “Obsession with competition only makes children equate success with dominance. Use carrot and stick methods, and you just get an ass. Pun intended. When children compete, most are taught only that they are losers. Abandon testing, and teach love of knowledge!”
  3. “So on the one hand we got rote-learning clones, and on the other, liberal hippies!” spits cowboy-hat wearing Jonnie Wain, interrupting his poker game to literally and metaphorically put his cards on the table. “In the United Federation we got a saying: ‘Hey Guvmint! Butt out!’. Let each school be its own business, deciding its own way with no centralized tyranny. Let parents vote with their wallets, and either pick the school they want, or pick no school at all. I was raised on my uncle’s farm; I just learned me how to herd steers from the back of a horse. That’s real life education!”
  4. “Couldn’t we be a bit more moderate, try and take something of all three options?” wonders your Education Minister, trying to escape from the trio of foreign educators closing in on her. “Maybe there’s a Random Chaosian way, with compulsory exam assessments, but not a national test, but a choice of examination boards competing on the free market. And maybe you could have some state schools with part private funding, and some private schools with state regulation, and some structured home schooling involving some time in communal classrooms. That sounds good, doesn’t it? Maybe? Possibly?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, construction workers evacuate work sites after finding sharp rocks on the ground.

2022-01-21 15:00

We Can’t Cross That Bridge When We Come to It

Several workers were killed and others injured in the recent collapse of a bridge being constructed across the Gambler River.

  1. “My client’s partner was killed in this incident and she’s demanding answers!” exclaims litigator Magnus Santos, throwing a stack of folders on your desk. “Hundreds of petitioners, including many of my clients — ah, and the other victims’ families — will not be contented with the status quo. They need to know that their loved ones who go to work on these sites will most definitely come home at night. Instituting more safety guidelines might slow down the rate of construction work, but that just means more time to earn a living!”
  2. “Objection!” cries prominent attorney Sandra Armstrong, representing construction firm Bricks An’ Stuff. “These destructive laws would merely hinder businesses’ ability to perform their job: providing houses to our beautiful citizens, storefronts to our busy workers, and hotel skyscrapers to our guests!” She pats down her suit before handing you a trunk filled with legislation suggestions. “Offer subsidies to businesses that perform safety checks, and trust companies to carry them out. They know what’s best, after all.”
  3. “Aw, as if we need these damn rules an’ stuff!” mutters greying construction worker Alex Gibson, running while holding power tools. “Real builders don’t need them to survive on the job. Back in my day, we worked our butts off like real men, and dealt with problems like these on our own! Get rid of those stupid laws, and let us show these sissies how it’s done.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the path to inner peace is paved with state-mandated punishment.

2022-01-21 09:00

Safe Sects

Your niece Jennifer, who reached the age of majority three weeks ago and left home the day afterwards, has finally written a letter: “Hello, blood relatives. I am safe and have found my real, spiritual family. The Society of Love are wonderful people who truly care about me. I have pledged one trillion years of loyal service and all my present and future possessions to them. If you love me, let me be happy and send me my stuff. Ta and that. Bye forever, Sister Sunny Sunshine Sunbeam.”

  1. “Jennifer has been brainwashed!” sobs your sister. “She’s been spouting mystical gobbledegook, acting distant, even reading. Now she’s gone to one of these closed communities and changed her name? These happy-clappy guitar-wielding maniacs tell naïve teenagers that they could have unending happiness and wisdom and all that bullsh... -hickey, and the wide-eyed simpletons believe it. Now she wants to give up everything, even her dreams, to be a slave forever? You must break-up every cultic group that preys on young people. Drag our children home, if necessary!”
  2. “Many insecure adolescents and young adults can be drawn to apparently friendly groups that seem to possess all the answers,” postulates your uncle and sociologist, Arcturus, the author of Cult Classics and Faustian Faiths. “Cults often employ ‘love bombing’, a technique where all cult members express constant affection towards a potential convert to snare them. Young people may be especially vulnerable to this, particularly if they come from troubled households. No, ahem, offence to your sister. Educate our young people to be aware of indoctrination techniques and signs, and teach them to think for themselves. Steel our youngsters against the cults in our midst.”
  3. “Cult is a word that the unspiritual and cowards use to mean a different idea,” retorts your nephew, who’s changed lately, after looking up from the brown-covered italics-titled book he’s reading. “Sunny Sunshi... Jennifer is a grown woman. Once someone’s old enough to choose their own faith, everyone should butt-out. In fact, it’s no-one’s business what any spiritually mature person believes. Someone who’s attained Truth should not be kept from their spiritual home, just because they’re a tiny thirteen months from the age of legal majority. Free supremely spiritual folks to follow our consciences. After all, there’s no ‘community’ without ‘unity’, no ‘community’ withou... why are you all staring at me?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Developed.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's widely agreed that to tennis players love means nothing.

2022-01-21 03:00

Match Made in Heaven?

Beautiful, blonde, and bisexual, the 25-year-old tennis player Archibald Pournikova is perhaps better known for his modelling work and stunning smile than for the speed of his serves. In a recent TV interview, he was asked who his ideal lover would be. To your surprise, he named you, Leader.

  1. “Publicity seeking pervert!” yells TV evangelist Dickens Manhole. “Uh... Archibald, that is, not you, dear leader! Righteousness compels you to denounce him, to denounce his sinful promiscuity, his bisexual deviance, and his depraved sexual past!”
  2. “If you’re game for a match, you could be set for a serious popularity boost,” suggests Erica Dax, the grinning chat show host who conducted the now notorious interview. “Doesn’t matter if he’s your preferred type, or what your availability is, or even what your gender preference is - the name of the game here is playing to the crowd. Let’s do a televised one-on-one with some spin and we’ll make you both look smashing!”
  3. “Oh he is my favourite! I’d love to show him MY Gran Willy,” says Quentin, your lewd elderly uncle, wiping the steam from his spectacle lenses. “Sure, he’s just courting publicity, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take the break. Give him a front page picture with you at a movie premiere, and in return he can make a racket with you down the line. Hey, it’s the world’s oldest profession!”
  4. “This exhibition is distracting from serious politics,” complains Palutena Rubio, your grey-suited Minister of Revenues. “Just laugh off the whole thing as a joke, and use the camera time to talk about important issues, like your proposition to reallocate roles from the Working Tax Auditors to the Association of Tax Pre-assessment. After all, things like insurance breaks, junior exempts and pre-qualifiers are what interests the population, not yawn-worthy old tennis.”
  5. “Okay, so the media, the public and everyone else is labelling him a publicity-hound and saying this is all about exposure,” observes gossip columnist Winchester Allen from Not Bad Magazine, “but don’t you want to consider the possibility that he’s for real? Why not take him seriously, and woo him sincerely? You never know, this might be the start of something really beautiful!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, troublemakers boast about how many times they have to visit their therapist.

2022-01-20 21:00

Wash Your Mouth Out!

The League of Concerned Moms has successfully petitioned to ban the dictionary from the Little Gambler Elementary School, to be replaced with a “Clean-tionary” of “pleasant” words. The reason? It contained “lewd and offensive” words referring to private parts of the body. On the day you collect your niece from school, you are confronted by picketers holding signs with boldly-lettered suggestions of where the concerned moms might like to stick their “Clean-tionary” and chanting inventive invective-filled rhymes about censorship.

  1. “We need to protect children from seeing bad words!” demands Sarah Nakatomi, the white-clad leader of the League of Concerned Moms. “Our delicate flowers must be shielded from all bad influences. Just yesterday, my five-year-old came home, saying his classmate called him a ‘[expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] whose mother was [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]’. And where do you think those words were found? That’s right! The dictionary! Where any innocent child can chance upon them. Remove all harmful words from schools’ dictionaries and let our beautiful pearls thrive.”
  2. “All you big people are cramping my style,” groans third-grader Stefanie Thiesen, giggling over the term ‘poop deck’. “Dictionaries are great; I can learn whatever words I want! Words are GREAT. They give kids the power to say what we really think. Yesterday, I called my teacher a ‘big bum-bailiff’. You can’t take that away. You need to keep the fun words in the dictionary, and add more, so we can... um, express ourselves.” She grabs the dictionary protectively and hisses, “Precious words!”
  3. “We need to look at the root of this problem,” soothes psychologist Belinda Chen, who has an office across the street with ‘Appointments Available’ in the window. “All this is the result of bad influence. These poor, misguided children don’t know better. They see a cuss word, and yell it to the world. It’s simply a combination of poor impulse control and a need to impress their peer group. Well, no longer! Schools should have psychologists on staff, and as soon as these troubled angels go astray, we can help them find their own way back to the right road.”
  4. “I agree that this is serious,” notes Gabriel James, your Minister of Let’s-All-Just-Calm-Down. “But it’s not just the kids who are dirtying the air with foul language. The adults are also at fault. We should fund an official Random Chaosian dictionary of approved words, free from all expletives, coarse words, vulgar expressions and terms for the unpleasant parts of human anatomy, and punish anyone who uses any bad word – in books, media, and written and spoken speech. Only then can Random Chaos be a truly pleasant place to live. Now, shall we have a cup of tea?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the blood on the hands of Leader may not be metaphorical.

2022-01-20 15:00

Nuke Before You Leap

Traditionally, the leader of Random Chaos is the only person in the country who can authorize the use of nuclear weapons. However, the increasingly threatening rhetoric between Random Chaos and Blackacre, another nuclear weapons state, is making the top brass of the military concerned that the lack of checks and balances could easily trigger a nuclear war.

  1. “There needs to be more than just your authorization to launch an attack with our WMDs,” asserts General Darren Nguyen, the senior commander of the Random Chaosian military. “It’s not that we don’t trust you. It’s just that this Blackacre situation is giving us lots of sleepless nights. All it would take is for one insult or threat to be taken too seriously and we’d be hurled into a devastating war we may not recover from. Launches of WMDs should require the approval of the military brass plus some additional checks and confirmation codes, not just your assent. Nothing wrong with being a little cautious, is there?”
  2. “Getting everyone’s consent takes time, and time is a luxury we can’t afford in a volatile situation,” states your security adviser while drawing devil horns on a picture of Blackacre’s leader. “Do you think the dictator of Blackacre is going to waste time with consultants when she decides to launch her nukes? We need to act fast in these kinds of situations. You, Leader, need to have the ability to unilaterally declare nuclear war and launch our most powerful weapons without anyone getting in the way. Just push the big red button and Blackacre goes poof!”
  3. “Or better yet, you can start dismantling those weapons!” demands your wayward niece, wearing a t-shirt with the words ‘No More Torpedoes’ emblazoned across the chest. “These bombs are capable of destroying The Hatrackia ten times over! Random Chaos must make a stand and take the first step towards peace. Ban weapons of mass destruction, and other brave nations will surely follow suit. I don’t want my future children to inherit a post-apocalyptic Random Chaos!”
  4. “The problem here is the figurative big red button itself,” muses Dr. Honey Bell-Lecter from the Institute of Thought Experimentation. “Launching nuclear weapons is an action that would definitely kill millions and could kill everyone in the world. Simply ordering a nuclear attack doesn’t have enough moral cognitive weight to it. Thus, the launch codes should be stitched in the viscera of one of your loved ones. That way, you can still trigger global Armageddon if you deem it necessary, but having to first kill and disembowel your loved one makes the suffering sufficiently real for you and forces you to confront the ethical consequences of your actions.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians look weirdly alike.

2022-01-20 09:00

The Boys From Brasilistan

A report from your Intelligence Ministry reveals that an illegal lab deep in the jungles of Brasilistan has created several clones of the infamous genocidal dictator Lee Terallihitlah, a.k.a. “the Butcher of Bigtopia,” and placed them with adopted families scattered around the world, including some in Random Chaos.

  1. “These children are a potential source of danger!” says death camp survivor Yui Márquez. “Think what would happen if one of them rose to power in Random Chaos and repeated Terallihitlah’s crimes here. They have to be put under surveillance to make sure that never happens. And if they turn out not to be as evil, then we ought to be monitoring them to protect them from those with a misplaced sense of vengeance against them. Either way, everybody is safest if we keep a close watch.”
  2. “That’s not enough!” yells Bigtopian human rights activist Dana Silk. “What if someone marries them without knowing? What if they have kids? Terallihitlah systematically murdered millions of Bigtopians because he believed we were genetically inferior. We can’t allow his DNA to stay in the gene pool! These abominations must die!”
  3. “What is wrong with you people?” civil rights lawyer Ivan Benteen wants to know. “Don’t we have anything better to do than judge people by their DNA? These children aren’t Lee Terallihitlah and they haven’t done anything wrong. It should be illegal to discriminate against people based on their genes.”
  4. “Hey, like, maybe we can use this,” says controversial pop singer Britney Speer, as she bounces into your office dressed in a bizarre mix of sequins, body paint, and fascist regalia. “You can recruit the clones to work for you and have them travel the country promoting patriotism. What could possibly go wrong?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Governments and Most Extensive Public Healthcare.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, everyone apparently sends Leader hair-filled lockets, offers to die heroically, and poetic desires to co-parent a child.

2022-01-20 03:00

You’ve Got Mail

Having already attended to all your appointments, made a few important decisions, and dismissed several small matters, you have nothing left to do and have turned to your mail. Your secretary, Kima Hamilton, shows you a little letter with a heart on the envelope that he’d like you to look at.

  1. “Hi! My name’s Penny, I’m five (but am often mistaken for five-and-a-half). I wanted to thank you for being my leader. Love, Penny,” your secretary reads aloud, his lower lip wobbling. “That is so sweet! Leader, we have to read these more. If you don’t, then I certainly will. Don’t you want to hear how great you’re doing while you’re solving the nation’s problems?”
  2. “What a snot-nosed brat,” sneers your grumpy Uncle Zangbu, before spitting in the message’s general direction and staining your shoes. “This mail is so sickening! You have better things to attend to than some ‘fan mail’. Besides, what if one of those opposes your leadership? You’d probably pout all day and get nothing done. Make those letters useful; use them as fuel for the fire.”
  3. “If you ask me, this is a very important issue,” declares your Minister of Telecommunications, giving you another thick report with too cheerful a smile. “I think it’d be a great show of integrity to take time off and read these letters out loud and to the public — not all of them, mind you. But get a balance of good and bad. That way, the populace will know that they’re being heard. Plus, you never know, an important national issue might be raised in one of those letters.”
  4. “Let’s not waste an opportunity here,” muses your Minister of Propaganda, confiscating all of your mail. “We should look through these letters and find the ones that best compliment you. If we run dry, we can always make up some names and come up with something appropriately flattering. We’ll replace subversive newsreaders and journalists with smart governmental spokespersons, and let them repeat the wonderful truth about you regularly. Reprint the best letters in all newspapers, and run a competition with prizes for the most fawning... honest citizen. That way everyone will know how great a leader you are!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, God took rock and roll from you, took rock and roll from everyone.

2022-01-19 21:00

Stage Directions

Angry moralists, and some confused tourists who seemed to think they were waiting for tickets, picketed outside irreverent rock opera Jimmy Bouncer: The Musical. They claim it contained blasphemy, misogyny, racial intolerance, adult situations, and an inappropriate alternate rhyme scheme.

  1. “I wish... I wish that theatre would be purer. I wish the actors were demurer,” rants protestor and member of evangelical pressure group Many Moral Mummies, Patty Harkness. “I wish wolves had no hidden meaning, that faith suffered no demeaning, that writers weren’t so left-leaning... I wish so many things. Into the future, we should look at introducing censorship. Into the future, we need penalties for those who would pervert it. Into the future, let’s guarantee nice plays that little kids could see. The future’s here; it only needs for you and me to grasp it.”
  2. “Hello, my name is Eldon Pryce, and I would like to share with you the most amazing dream,” chimes a perky actor, as he places his headshot on your desk. “A dream of paradise, a great street paved with gold, lined with theatres and dreamers and the tales that are told. We can defend free expression rights; a night nestled in a theatre seat could change a life! So come with us, support our happy troupe, and let the theatre district grow.”
  3. “Friend, you’re closing your eyes to the real situation you don’t want to acknowledge,” observes curmudgeonly theatre critic Nosipho O'Brien, who has written acerbic reviews panning the previous two speakers. “Maybe you’re not aware of the calibre of disaster indicated by the presence of rock’n’roll here in your community. That’s Rock with a capital ‘R’, and Roll with the same ‘R’. To keep the young ones moral, you’ve got to wind it back to something more wholesome. Church choirs, songs of praise and partsong. Rock’n’roll can roll on by.”
  4. “Slowly, sadly, theatre lost its splendour,” intones a cloaked figure from the shadows. “Grasp it, change it, scrap the worst offender. Turn your face away from this modern dross today. The music’s over-written and it’s trite. Revive some grand old theatre shows tonight.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an enormous health awareness programme is underway.

2022-01-19 15:00

Give the Red Light District the Green Light?

After a recent survey discovered that nearly 40% of all citizens in Random Chaos are single, there has been an increasingly loud call for the legalisation of prostitution.

  1. “I just can’t get a girl no matter what I do,” laments acne-afflicted nerd, Edgar Wang. “If the cops would just look the other way about prostitution, it’d make my life much easier. Yeah, I’d be risking all sorts of diseases, but it’s my body isn’t it?”
  2. “We can’t allow this to happen!” protests Dr. Pietro Curtis, senior pathologist of Random Chaos’s largest hospital. “Prostitution is a dangerous business and must remain illegal! People need to be more aware of the consequences that could follow like the risk of contracting HIV, chlamydia, or even syphilis. I say we get some funding for a large awareness programme on sexually transmitted diseases and maybe then people will act responsibly between the covers. It’ll be expensive sure, but well worth it.”
  3. “Not so fast now!” interjects daring entrepreneur, Wendy Krauss. “Why don’t we just have the prostitution industry run by the government? By letting the government regulate prostitution, Random Chaos can force any patrons to undergo tests for diseases, make prostitutes have regular medical check-ups and pay a portion of their earnings to the government. Of course we’d still have to put more policemen on the streets to keep illegal brothels from popping up and make sure the hospitals are equipped to handle the extra workload, but you can always raise taxes to account for that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, human pie shops continue to receive shipments of meat from Spleeny Rodd's.

2022-01-19 09:00

The Brains Behind Kuru

Outbreaks of kuru, an incurable neurodegenerative disorder, have occurred across Random Chaos. It is most prevalent among connoisseurs of human flesh.

  1. “Kuru is an insidious disease that eats at the brain and is spread by the consumption of infected cerebra.” Your physician, Ammon Turner, slams a hefty book titled Grey Matter Anatomy on your desk. “Ensure the sufferers get the best possible care at our hospitals, so they can live their last days with dignity. Then, give up this cannibalism experiment so that we don’t get outbreaks of diseases from the handling of human meat ever again.”
  2. “Why dearie, we’d be outta business!” pipes up the proprietor of Mrs. Lovett’s Pies, placing some piping hot pies on some plates. “The easiest solution to this kuru thing is to ban brains in food. Also, you oughta get yer government to promote and subsidise us purveyors of wholesome foods, like me steak pies, which use the finest cuts of human rump. We would make a killing having curious cannibals and grub-lovers going on exotic food tours to me humble shop.”
  3. Your brother, sensing an opportunity, pages through the book. “This says that symptoms of kuru include body tremors, outbursts of laughter, and poor coordination. Basically, the average dimwitted fast food worker. Round up the diseased and consign them to fill society’s most dangerous and undesirable jobs - if they die, well, it was going to happen anyways. Then, we can harvest their meat and neurological tissue to generate a never-ending supply of ‘zombies.’”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Avoided.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no animal is considered endangered if there's another that looks kind of like it.

2022-01-19 03:00

Gamblers Breed Contempt

A legal battle is raging between the Random Chaos Department of Life, The Universe, and Environment and Kay Rumble Property Development Group. While surveying for a luxury condominium complex, a rare gambler subspecies, the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark gambler, was found traipsing around the proposed build site, potentially holding up construction.

  1. “I’m all for protecting truly endangered animals,” grumbles Harley Gutnick, the head of the housing firm, “but you can’t walk ten feet in Random Chaos without tripping over a gambler. So what if these particular ones have a different spot on their underbellies or whatever? I’m trying to build houses for people — your people — and I keep running into red tape because of these damn hippies! We need to loosen these protection laws so I can get on with my job.”
  2. “But the three-striped, er... or was it four-toed gambler, is truly unique!” squeals Luther Nelson, a noted environmentalist, while nursing a baby gambler. “This subspecies is rare enough without these greedy opportunists destroying the only habitat they have left. These poor darlings need our protection. If an endangered species, subspecies, or genetically diverse population has been spotted, no form of molestation or habitat destruction should be allowed.”
  3. “With all due respect, you’re huffing and puffing over a truly simple matter,” chastens Samus Tolkien, an amateur carpenter, while patting your shoulder gently. “We don’t need to drive these creatures nor land-development to extinction. If we require developers create new habitat to replace whatever endangered populations they destroy, then everybody wins, don’t they? I’m sure the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark gambler will adapt just fine to their new, man-made habitats.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hit TV show 'The eXecution Factor' is a critical success.

2022-01-18 21:00

The End Is in Sight?

The high-profile manhunt, capture, trial and conviction of Oscar ‘Cannibal’ Maldonado has been occupying news headlines for months, and now the serial slaughterer is finally scheduled to be executed. While most executions tend to have a few people in the viewing gallery, the notoriety of the infamous ingester of infants has demand for ringside seats at an all-time high.

  1. “I guess I wanna see with my own eyes that he’s definitely dead and gone,” explains mum-of-three Ashley Siskel, filling a carton with toffee-flavoured popcorn. “Also, it’d be so cool to tell the other school-mums that we saw the Cannibal die, they’ll be totes jealous. My youngest has a day off nursery especially for this. I mean, I just think you should have a place with a proper viewing area so that more people can watch the big show.”
  2. “A baying crowd would lack a certain decorum,” observes professional executioner Han Berlusconi. “Instead, why not have the execution broadcast live on television? Millions could tune in from their own homes, and you could double the entertainment value by having viewers vote on what novel method of execution should be used. It’d be fun to see Maldonado get dropped in a shark tank, or drowned in custard, or squashed by a giant plastic foot, don’t you think?”
  3. “The death penalty is a regrettable necessity, not an entertainment event,” intones Judicial Review Officer Maria Gutierrez, glaring sternly at you over her gold-rimmed spectacles. “The public should be excluded from the process of judicial execution. The convicted soul, an executioner and a single medical witness - there’s no need for anyone else in the room.”
  4. “Wait... we’re not one of those loopy nations that have the death penalty, are we?” panics confused civil servant Shinzo Nelson, checking through the legislation archive files to see what policies you’ve enacted in this hectic year. “That’s some kind of error, right? Tell me that’s an error!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens live in superstitious fear of the mysterious glowing clouds that float over Random Chaos.

2022-01-18 15:30

Build Bigger Bombs, Advise Scientists

Top military designers in your secret laboratories have proposed projects to create nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons and are looking to you for government support and funding.

  1. “This is a necessary step towards the creation of a safer Random Chaos,” claims Westley LeCarré, the leading researcher. “Yes, it will mean large areas of land will become unusable as a result of the testing, and it will cost billions of chips, but that’s the price we must pay for our national security. Just think of the power we will have if we can turn our enemies into plate glass!”
  2. “Why stop with making weapons for ourselves?” asks Christopher Sato, CEO of Wendy’s Weapons Stores. “We can sell them to all sorts of groups and organisations: other nations, the WA, terror- uh - freedom fighters, anyone! And we produce our own for our protection. Think of the money we can make! I’m sure none of our clients would ever even think of trying to use them to influence our government with threats or anything like that!”
  3. “You want to bring NUKES into Random Chaos?!” screams anti-nuclear protestor, Hope Assange. “This won’t make us safer - it will just give the power to destroy everything to a few people! We must hunt down the people who suggested this evil plan and have them hanged! We must protect nature from the horrible influences of science. I say ban all new weapons research!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, college-level writing classes are taught by undergraduate editors of the school newspaper.

2022-01-18 09:00

Piled Higher and Deeper

As of late, you’ve noticed a higher concentration of scruffy-looking protesters than usual picketing outside your office. After asking around for the reason, your Education Minister finally informs you that the nation’s PhD students have been on strike for the past six months.

  1. “Finally feeling the pain of ‘The Great Graduate Student Strike’?” gloats PhD candidate Florin Ono, helping himself to a drink from your liquor cabinet. “We’re dedicating our lives to improving science and the arts, all for the greater good of Random Chaos. And what do we get in return? Long hours and stress counseling while we’re all probably heavily in debt! Universities can’t go on without graduate students, so throw us a line for once! Divert education funding towards the salaries of all graduate TAs and researchers while eliminating our financial burdens! Without this deal, rest assured it’s back to the picket line for us!”
  2. “I don’t see what the problem is,” notes Random Chaosian CEO Ksenya Vangelis, perusing your liquor cabinet for the most expensive selection. “Don’t listen to that pretty homely dork. The free market always sorts these things out: wherever there’s a true industrial need, researchers’ salaries will become competitive. And quite personally, I don’t see any need around here. I suggest you take a page from the entrepreneurs of yore and fire every graduate picketer currently employed at state-funded schools. They can go back to being professional hamburger dispensers while our long-suffering universities finally have the opportunity to hire new students actually grateful for the chance at a job.”
  3. “What if universities could have their future scientists and professors without having to pay anything?” suggests your former math teacher, handing you a few bottles of saké to replenish your liquor cabinet. “Back home in Dàguó, we have a lot of prospective students who would love better-paying jobs. Put a halt to all government funding of graduate education while simultaneously opening up the country to foreign students. We could even pay them a stipend of a few thousand chips just for coming here. If anything, I think potential immigrants will consider this a perfectly heuristic decision for themselves.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an inkwell of goats' blood is supplied on school desks across the nation.

2022-01-18 03:00

The Devil’s Playground

In response to the increasing number of faith-based afterschool programs across Random Chaos, a prominent anti-religion organization has proposed Lessons with Lucifer, a tongue-in-cheek program designed to encourage critical thinking. The vociferous backlash comes to a head when you collect your niece from school.

  1. “This is preposterous!” cries parent Jamling Rudd, as he plasters every available surface of your vehicle with My God Loves Me bumper stickers, which he pulls from an apparently bottomless satchel. “The program even says ‘Lucifer’! Do not allow these heretics near our precious darlings. Ensure our children are only exposed to religions that are decent and founded on something real.” He runs out of space to place bumper stickers and starts hanging garlic cloves from your rearview mirror.
  2. “These ideological attitudes are exactly why our program is so necessary,” insists a sharply-dressed man in a black suit and sporting a twisted goatee. “No-one has any problem when these religious nuts force their beliefs on the nation’s children, yet everyone’s up in arms about the name of our program. Lessons with Lucifer is all about teaching kids to have an open mind. It’s not devil-worship. It’s rationalism, to prevent kids growing up like this superstitious wacko. You should set children free to explore alternatives to the kooky bull peddled by their parents. Don’t you believe in freedom of religion, Leader?”
  3. “It’s sad,” mumbles your niece, clambering into your vehicle. “I don’t like seeing all these poor unbelievers hanging around. I know they’re all going to suffer everlasting torment when they die. I just wish that someone who really loved their niece, and had a lot of power, would bravely make sure that everyone followed the one true religion so they would all be safe forever. Or else.”
  4. “There is another option,” whispers a hooded figure as they slither up to your side, offering you a contract on leathery parchment and written in sinister scarlet ink. “Permit me to introduce myself... I’m just a devilishly-handsome guy, who’s raring to be your new Education Minister. I have a lot of bold ideas for reform, at no price to the taxpayer. Well, not in chips, anyway...” Cackling, he flees, leaving behind the contract and an unusually sulphurous smell that you hope is a bad stomach rather than brimstone.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a new religious movement claims that people's souls are stored in phosphorus.

2022-01-17 21:00

We’re Dying for Your Business

A recent exposé of the death care industry revealed that funeral costs are leaving some families dead broke. The reason for the price increases is thought to be because while population growth continues to rise, funeral parlour growth has stopped cold, resulting in shocking cases of price gouging. Demand for last rites has become so high that families sometimes have to pawn all of the deceased’s possessions just to afford a simple burial.

  1. “Dying is not something we have a choice in,” weeps a sombre woman dressed all in black. “The tragic death of a loved one followed by an astronomical bill landing on our doorsteps can put families’ finances in a death spiral. I urge you, Leader, to scrap death charges altogether and provide state-funded funerals for everyone. That way families won’t have to mourn their bank accounts as well as their loved ones.”
  2. “Yes, and do you know why there’s a shortage of funeral services, hmmm?” quietly seethes funeral director Igor Fronkensteen, while dragging a lumpy burlap sack behind him. “Burial plot land costs...they are rising, yes? The price of insuring a hearse these days is, how do you say, absolutely ludicrous, yes? And the restrictive laws on ‘adequate refrigeration’ and ‘treating the dead with dignity’ all are running our margins and my salary down! You want more funeral services at a cheaper price, you should ease up on the bureaucracy, yes?”
  3. “Funeral services? What a waste of money,” scoffs obscure thinker Johann Wynne, who has yet to sell any copies of his book Rich Dead, Poor Dead. “What’s the point in some drawn-out shebang for someone who’s not even going to be around to see it? Do away with funerals altogether. That way we can cremate everyone and harvest their bodies for phosphorus!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, folk singers have replaced personal injury lawyers in being ridiculed as "ambulance chasers".

2022-01-17 15:00

The Wreck of the Edward Fitzpatrick

The media’s obsession of the week is the “Edward Fitzpatrick,” a Random Chaosian ore freighter that sank in a sudden freak storm while shipping its haul of raw taconite across Great Gambler Lake for smelting. The ship, its cargo, and crew were all lost.

  1. “Oh, well, this is a terrible disaster,” sighs Remus Titan, CEO of Consolidated Resource Acquisition Partners. “Do you know how many tons of ore that ship was carrying? That’s hundreds of thousands of chips my company’s lost!” Wiping a kerchief across his brow, he continues. “You know, the government really ought to send some money our way to make up for the lost capital. It’s for the best. With a hefty tax break, we can make sure such a terrible tragedy doesn’t happen to our bottom line - uh, employees - again.”
  2. Bereaved family member Andrea Doria, still in funeral attire, shoves your secretary aside as she storms into your office. “Do you realize what a horrible crime this wreck really was? I’ll have you know that one of the sailors on the Edward Fitzpatrick was my husband’s cousin’s half-brother! Do you know how much this has impacted me and my family? All because those mining industry jackals don’t give a damn about their employees!” She takes a breath and continues, “My point is, those weasels should be forced to pay reparations to the families of the victims, AND overhaul their whole fleet - more lifeboats, more safety regulations, engine tune-ups, the works! Maybe if they actually cared about those sailors they wouldn’t have sent them out on such a ramshackle old hulk.”
  3. “You’re missing the whole point,” cries model train enthusiast Lionel Brio as he starts laying track all over your office. “The problem here is that we were using the wrong kind of transport in the first place! Boats are old and prone to sink, and rocks don’t exactly float.” He gets a gleam in his eye as a six-inch locomotive blows smoke in your face. “What we need is trains. Picture it: we convert mining transport to railways, and all the danger of sailing will become a thing of the past! It won’t be cheap, but we’ll have the best rail network in The Hatrackia, and more importantly I’ll get some new model freight cars for my collection!”
  4. Jordan Brighthand, a popular Random Chaosian folk singer, strides into your office, a battered acoustic guitar slung on his shoulder. “You know, Leader, the story of this shipwreck has really inspired me,” he says as he strums out a melody. “Let’s face it, you can’t stop tragedies like this. It’s just fate. But what we can do is immortalize the victims in song, so that future generations of Random Chaosians can hear the stories of our past. It sure beats reading about ‘em - why stick your nose in a book when your guitar can gently weep over the coffins?”
  5. “Well the answer’s clear to me,” says Hal Stoker, the most popular weather forecaster in Random Chaos City. “This was a failure by meteorologists all around Great Gambler Lake. This is a red flag that’s telling you to pour some government funds into the Random Chaosian Institute of Meteorology. Our weather forecasters have been poorly trained on outdated equipment for years as the Institute languished. We really need better gear; the new Rotating Aerial Inversion Navigator, that’s the RAIN-420 doppler radar, is a real beauty, I gotta get my hands on that - oh, uh, and we’ll save some lives, too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, private businesses are paving paradises to put up parking lots.

2022-01-17 09:30

Keep the Greenbelt Green, Say Protesters

A group of environmentalists are protesting against plans to expand urban and suburban developments into greenbelts, the designated countryside between settlements.

  1. “Do we really have to listen to these nutcases?” asks real estate developer, Melissa Hayes. “The fact of the matter is that nature is BORING. Give us permission to build on the greenbelt and you’ll have pink hotels, boutiques, and swinging hot spots that’ll be the envy of the region and draw tourists from all around! We can always transplant a few trees and put them in a tree museum to keep the tree-huggers happy. Random Chaos stands to make a lot of money from this!”
  2. “I agree with my colleague here, but he doesn’t go far enough,” says Tandi Oz, a city planner. “These protestors are standing in the path of progress. It slows the growth of our economy and harms my portfolio - er - the future of our nation, I mean. It’s unpatriotic and we should increase police funding to deal with these troublemakers. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about greenbelts or any other nonsense about keeping the ‘environment’ safe.”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” exclaims environmental activist Bartholomew Vasquez. “Tree museums? Police funding? Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone? We’re talking about natural treasures and you’re talking about destroying them. Is there anything that you can build that can really be better than nature? We should put a stop to all encroachment into natural areas.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dog breeding has been banned in accordance with recent animal experimentation laws.

2022-01-17 03:00

Animal Experimentation Laws Under Scrutiny

Scientists and animal rights activists have once again brought up the debate over animal experimentation to your attention.

  1. “What have those poor, defenceless animals ever done to us?” asks Patty Day, owner of the East Random Chaos Gambler Sanctuary. “Kidnapping these helpless creatures from their habitat simply to stick probes and needles in them is just barbaric! How would you like it if someone caged you in a lab and conducted tests on you just to find out whether a new product was fit for sale? Experimenting on animals ought to be banned!”
  2. “It is not unethical,” replies Dr. Xanatos Laine, the chief surgeon at Random Chaos’s largest cancer research clinic. “The unethical thing to do would be to deny the public of the benefit of the great scientific advancements we’re making! If we have to sacrifice some animals in the name of science, healthcare, or slightly prettier eyeliner, then that’s just what we’ve got to do! Think of the lives we could save! All we require is more government support and funding for this worthy cause.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the restriction that you must be over 1.1 metres tall to ride a carnotaurus has recently been waived.

2022-01-16 21:00

Who Let the Dinos Out?

Mesozoic Park, the largest dinosaur zoo in the country, has made the headlines for yet another disastrous dinosaur escape. Apparently, the gate of a Tyrannosaurus Rex pen malfunctioned, giving the horde of formerly captive reptiles a window to flee their enclosure. The liberated T-Rex horde then proceeded to cross in an ill-advised tunnel link to the mainland, stowed away on a freight train driven by a truly oblivious driver, and somehow ended up on a rampage through Random Chaos City, killing hundreds and wrecking city infrastructure. Following the crisis, many citizens are calling for the closure of dinosaur zoos.

  1. “We cannot allow the zoo to continue like this!” demands Tim Wang, a frustrated cleaner, who has been toiling for hours mopping up innumerable gallons of blood from the streets. “Those dumb behemoths completely leveled several streets, and would have continued if not for that surprisingly muscular palaeontologist motorcyclist, those two annoying kids and that conveniently located fireworks factory nearby. I’m not saying that we should destroy these creations, but we shouldn’t be putting them on display and giving them opportunities to run loose.”
  2. “This is an overreaction,” claims Bonifacius Curtis, the Head of Scientific Research, who doesn’t appear to be remotely disturbed by the high body count. “While there may be some downsides to having dinosaurs on display to the public, the research data that we can draw from them is irreplaceable. Attractions like Mesozoic Park, and my new project Mesozoic City, also help advance academic studies of their behaviour and in how they might have interacted with human beings in prehistoric times. Let’s lose this obsession with ‘health and safety’ and keep the dinosaur zoos open! For Science!”
  3. “Thou must vanquish the greatest foe of humanity!” shrieks Don Kringle, a chemically-unbalanced elderly man, as he grips his spear and glares with hostility at a dino-decorated mini-golf windmill. “I hath fought all manner of wild beasts throughout the ages, but these monstrosities are the most wretched and vile. In the name of righteousness, thou must smite this evil breed from the face of the earth! Have at thee, beasts!” He lays into the plastic windmill, sending broken shards all around.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, burning yourself alive is not okay but starving and whipping yourself is fine.

2022-01-16 15:30

Aflame With Indignity

To protest your government’s antagonism towards his religious beliefs, High Priest Shigeru Coleman of the Tranquility of Yellow sat down on a busy street corner this morning, doused himself with fuel, and set himself on fire.

  1. “We have witnessed a martyrdom — but you are responsible for his death!” proclaims the jaundiced Brother Jack Kasher, whose yellow robes give off the stench of sweat and desperation. “Our temples are being shut down. Our monasteries are looted and ransacked, while our people are beaten for speaking out against it. You must end this persecution of minority religions. We only want to practice our beliefs in peace.”
  2. “Dude! That dude just burned himself to death! He didn’t even move a muscle the whole time!” remarks witness Beth Reyes, mouth still agape in shock. “If that’s the sort of thing that adherents of other religions do, maybe the government is right about not supporting their nonsense beliefs. We obviously need way more mental health support and suicide prevention funding to help these people.”
  3. “Let them burn, and we shall clap our hands!” exclaims Gelu Nhu, a fervent believer of a major religion. “If more Yellowists want to burn themselves, I’ll provide the matches. But it is clear that they will soon turn their rage outward. Suppressing their ‘religion’ was not enough; it has just incensed them! We must get the heathens before they get us. Now is the time to finally round up all of those who don’t believe the true faith and expel them from our great nation. It will be a new golden age for my... I mean, our religion!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teenagers sit around on their butts all day.

2022-01-16 09:00

A Duty to Serve

Community service programs are becoming increasingly popular in private schools across Random Chaos. Now, parents have proposed implementing a similar program in state-funded high schools and middle schools, where students must complete ten hours of community service per year to graduate.

  1. “My son sits around on his butt all day. I think it would be good for him to get out and help the community,” says Marek Griffin, bustling into your office while the teenage boy trudging behind him rolls his eyes. “Not only will it help people in need, it will also give the students a chance to be a part of their community and a proud citizen of Random Chaos.”
  2. “Hey, man, we don’t have time to do community service when we spend the whole day on schoolwork and studying,” his son tells you. “Chill out with the long school days and maybe we’ll have more time to contribute to the community on our own.”
  3. Your cousin, who just stopped by to bring you cookies, pipes in. “I think community service programs are a great idea. Ten hours a year isn’t that much time, but it can change a lot if enough people are doing it. There’s no reason to limit it to students — just think of what we could do for the country if every able-bodied adult had to pitch in too!”
  4. “Are you kidding me!” Sasha Murdoch, CEO of NAT-U-RAL Co., shouts from the window of her limousine. “I don’t have time to go out and pick up trash. I’m doing the world a service by supplying the world with abundant amounts of natural gas! Surely that counts as community service. In fact, these kids could ‘volunteer’ at my plant — if you don’t mind, of course.” She slowly rolls her window up before driving off.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Extensive Public Healthcare.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, incompetent former soldiers have been re-employed as incompetent cleaners and kitchen staff.

2022-01-16 03:00

Armed and Unready

A small countryside skirmish against a score of bandit militiamen ended in a complete catastrophe, despite the deployment of two dozen Random Chaosian battle tanks and one hundred and fifty infantrymen. The Random Chaosian conscripts proved to be no match for their well-trained and motivated enemies. Unsurprisingly, the perceived quality of the nation’s soldiers has come under heavy fire.

  1. “Hang on, which end is it that we point at the bad guys?” asks clueless Private Rikkard, haplessly staring down the barrel of an assault rifle in genuine confusion. “I give up! Look here, Leader, I’m just not cut out to be a soldier, neither is anyone else in my unit. You have millions of men who couldn’t hit the side of a barn with a battle tank main gun, even if the tank was parked in the barn! Couldn’t you let us prove our pride in our glorious nation by doing some good instead, like tending to the elderly, cleaning up the streets or peeling potatoes?”
  2. “Our military isn’t what it was in the good old days,” comments retired Drill Sergeant Zahm. “You should revisit basic drill and training. Concentrate on the fundamentals, like disciplined formation marching to the beat of a drum, standing up straight, keeping your uniform shiny, and having abuse shouted in your left ear.”
  3. “I think your approach is already correct,” wheedles Sam Farnsworth, your sycophantic aide-de-camp. “In fact, the only issue we have is that we don’t conscript enough soldiers! With greater numbers, victory would be assured. For starters, I’m sure the elderly and the disabled would be proud to serve our great nation.”
  4. “Or you could go back to having a volunteer army,” mutters Karsang Marshall, hand-cuffed deserter and sole survivor of the recent massacre. “Look, I didn’t want to be a soldier anyway. I wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of... of... Anyway, ditch the draft.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has undertaken a massive health education program to combat VODAIS.

2022-01-15 21:00

Random Chaos Plagued by STD Epidemic!

A medical report has detailed a twenty-fold increase in infection rates over the past ten years of the sexually transmitted disease VODAIS (Viral Overactive Dysfunction of the Auto-Immune System). People all over the nation are petitioning that the government do something about the epidemic.

  1. “This situation is about to explode. At this rate, this epidemic could severely impact our economy, our way of life, and even our government,” says Doctor Ellie James. “We must supply powerful drugs to all infected people, even if we have to produce and distribute it ourselves. We must also educate people on the dangers of VODAIS and supply condoms to all sexually active males. Sure, we’ll need to divert tax money from the military to fund all this, but what good is a military if the soldiers are too sick to fight?”
  2. “If you supply condoms, you’ll increase sexual promiscuity,” scoffs religious leader Jude Pound. “If you supply drugs, you’ll risk creating an aura of invincibility which in turn increases sexual promiscuity. Sexual abstinence is 100% effective in preventing VODAIS infection. This knowledge must be taught at all schools and workplaces, and all other choices must be ridiculed. Make celibacy the only option!”
  3. “Supplying drugs and condoms will not stop VODAIS infections and pushing everyone to be celibate will be the slow death of Random Chaos,” whispers Health Minister Nyota Wickwire in a poorly-lit back room. “Segregating the infected people is the most effective method. Everybody in Random Chaos must be tested for VODAIS. Then all the VODAIS positive people will be shipped to separate gated communities away from the rest of us. If they need to mingle with uninfected people, then they must wear distinguishing badges that feature a Grim Reaper holding a skeletal gambler.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, even the nation's brussel sprouts are delicious and nutritious.

2022-01-15 15:00

Teach Your Farmers Well

After witnessing the horrors of both falling crop yields and furious farmers, your Secretary of Agriculture has proposed state-funded agricultural education.

  1. “Agriculture used to be the primary industry of Random Chaos and now look at us! Our lettuce is a let-down and our beets are barely pink!” exclaims Lancelot Pond, your Secretary of Agriculture. “But just send some funding to colleges, and show those city boys how to weed, water, and sow! It’ll cost the taxpayer, but I’m sure they’ll sacrifice a few chips for firmer tomatoes and browner potatoes!”
  2. “Well, that’s one option,” muses Rochelle Wessex, an acquaintance of your brother’s mother-in-law, “but this is such a fundamental sector of our economy that we can’t leave it up to the farmers to choose whether they go to college or not. The government ought to make getting a degree mandatory to enter agriculture. Doctors and lawyers already need them, and can you really call them more important than the farmers?”
  3. “Mandatory degree?!” thunders Aaron Dlamini from atop his tractor. “Them college boys don’t know nothing about farmin’ that my old man didn’t teach me! We’ve been tilling this land for seven generations, and by hickory we know how to do it best - we don’t need any guv’ment folks tellin’ us where to plant potatoes or what pest killers we can use! Now some of us farmers ain’t the best, but same goes for those university-educated doctors and lawyers!” He trails off, still angrily waving an absurdly tiny carrot.
  4. “You know, all this talk has got me thinking,” notes socialist thinker Diego Leach, brandishing a sickle. “Random Chaos has plenty of arable land, just perfect for cultivation. But we’re going about it precisely the wrong way. You just can’t trust private citizens with the people’s own food. If we just nationalize the farms, production will surely rise! And with it, the proletariat!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, soylent products are an expensive commodity due to a lack of volunteers.

2022-01-15 09:00

Cannibals Demand to Taste What Random Chaos Has to Offer

A coalition of tribalists, health experts, and civil rights proponents have recently suggested legalizing cannibalism for consumers of willing would-be meals.

  1. “I see absolutely no problem with people digging into each other at dinnertime, so long as everyone is willing,” quips Waylon Gibson, the editor of the monthly magazine To Serve Man. “Not only does it solve hunger problems and create jobs, but it also adds variety to Random Chaos’s sometimes dull palate.”
  2. Civil rights leader Chongba Meyer, who came out publicly for moderate pro-cannibalism legislation, comments: “While it may strike some as a crude, even evil practice, our ancestors have practiced cannibalism for years. If we create a government organization to strictly regulate and grade all human meat prior to its arrival on the market, we can ensure that respect for diversity is maintained while health concerns are also allayed. And instead of killing average people, why not make being turned into snack foods a post-mortem option? Like donating your body to science!”
  3. “You’re all absolutely out of your minds!” exclaims Holly Strange, head of Random Chaos’s largest health-food manufacturer. “It’s immoral, it’s unhealthy, and it’s disgusting. Not only are these so-called ‘dietary rights’ activists leading us down a dark path of sin, but right into a marketplace with yet another product that’s almost as bad as beef!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, confused drunks wake up to irate drill sergeants whipping them into shape.

2022-01-15 03:30

An Impressing Dilemma

With reports of national enlistment rates decreasing, some concerned citizens have come to your office to offer their own various solutions.

  1. Captain Anselm Kowalski, on shore leave after a tenth tour of service, has an idea. “The truth is that we just aren’t getting enough volunteers for the armed forces, so we should, ahem, encourage people to volunteer. If everyone that enlisted were promised free alcoholic drinks as long as they served, then you’d see more people show up to our recruitment events. Then once they’re good and drunk we can ship them off to a military base to start a new life. By the time they realize they’ve signed up for a five-year tour of duty, they’ll have no choice but to be good and loyal conscri - er, volunteers.”
  2. “You want the army to foot the bill for keggers and then kidnap people?” questions Emily Rogers, an army medic in training. “There’s a much better way to encourage enlistment rather than getting people blackout drunk. A portion of the military budget could be devoted to educating prospective soldiers and officers who promise to serve for, say, six years. Then the armed forces will have more qualified staff, and poor people will have a way to go to college. Random Chaosians will love it.”
  3. “Or we could completely regear our entire population for total war and utopian health,” says Kai Chip, your Minister of Alternative Solutions. “Vat technology and intensive psychological conditioning can promise a wonderful future devoid of weaklings who are vulnerable to disease. With enough government investment, I can promise a new generation of fearless, asexual grunts eager to die for the glory of Leader.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, explosive diarrhoea is not just a colorful phrase.

2022-01-14 21:00

Better In Than Out

Your Justice Minister has raised a stink about public flatulence, and is proposing a new law to ban it.

  1. “We need to promote public decency!” demands Tom Caldwell, your Justice Minister. “Any person who vitiates the atmosphere in any place, to make it obnoxious to the public or to harm the well-being of people in surrounding areas, shall be guilty of a misdemeanour offence and shall be sentenced to a term of community service. If you need to pass wind, just go to a toilet.”
  2. “This is insane,” states Boromir Hill, your Solicitor General, discreetly shifting in his chair. “How any reasonable or sensible person could think that criminalizing flatulence in public would be a good idea is beyond me. We are a civilized nation. Just make sure that every one is taught to do it as discreetly as possible when they need to. Simply raise your right buttock ever so slightly and let it out gently, ideally without bringing any attention to yourself.”
  3. Grace Pavlov, who was recently banned from the Random Chaos City subway for farting too much, has her say and smell. “Hey! Leader, pull my finger!” Even though you don’t comply, she still lets forth a thunderous, horrible noise that fills the room with a titanic stench. “Oh my god, did I just squash a frog? That one wasn’t too bad; it’s the silent but deadly ones that get you! Everyone knows that letting them rip is good for your health — better out than in, right? We should let everyone know it’s okay to sound off, maybe even subsidize some kind of ‘Wind Festival’. Smells like a good time to me!”
  4. “Wait, did someone say gas?” asks your Energy Minister, Louis Wang, while holding his nose. “We should distribute methane capture devices and make it compulsory for every citizen to... uh... plug one in. We could then capture this natural resource, and reduce our dependence on fossil fuels!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, local executives are seen on the corner with cardboard signs reading "will oppress the masses for food".

2022-01-14 15:00

Suits in Protest

Thousands of business men and women have taken to the streets in protest of their working conditions and pay. “It’s not fair that we can’t have a union,” says Susie Trevelyan, VP of Sales at SlothCorp. “Just because we make six figures doesn’t mean we don’t deserve overtime too! It’s high time that the lower classes come to appreciate our hard efforts.”

  1. Beyonce Christmas, secretary of commerce, recommends you ignore these commies. “Free enterprise means not having to succumb to unions, and the world has enough unions already.”
  2. Gombu Jele, secretary of labor, advises you to adjust laws to allow white-collar unions. “It only makes sense that all of the workers in our nation have an equal opportunity to benefit from the advantages of collective bargaining.”
  3. “Get these people out of the street!” advises Lisbeth Quagmire, local police chief. “They’re blocking traffic, and making it impossible for the common man to get to the megamall!”
  4. Finally, Right Reverend Rupert Wiseau proclaims, “The downtrodden are suffering at the hands of the MAN, and these wealthy upper shelf vice presidents are asking to make the rich richer and the poor poorer! The only reason the common worker needs a union is to be able to fight against the oppression of these slave drivers! It’s ludicrous that these greedy scrooges are asking for even MORE money! Send them packing and raise taxes on the wealthy to bring more equality to our nation!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Renaissance frescos are being chiselled off public walls.

2022-01-14 09:00

Wipe Out Graffiti?

Citizens all over Random Chaos have been petitioning for firmer action on public graffiti.

  1. “It’s a disgrace!” declares Lauren Martinez, middle class and proud of it. “I can’t even go downtown without seeing these hideous eyesores debasing the streets! We need to arrest the scumbags at the root of this, force them to clean every bit of paint off every wall, and teach them a jolly good lesson! More policemen on the beat should do the ticket, even if it does require a slight augmentation in taxes!”
  2. “I don’t see what’s so bad,” comments Richard Smit, a famous art critic. “This is urban art at its finest. It’s vibrant, colorful, and simply reeks of culture! Just look at the form displayed in this string of racist expletives! Wonderful. Simply wonderful. I think we should really be encouraging these budding Rembrandts, not putting them down! I say we legalise it, in the name of culture!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most pop videos prominently feature the Random Chaosian flag.

2022-01-14 03:00

Random Chaos Falls Flat in Singing Contest

Last night, in the finals of popular reality TV contest The Hatrackiavision, the Random Chaosian representative lost, despite giving what almost all critics in Random Chaos have declared to be a superior performance. The enraged masses have inexplicably decided that the best course of action is to storm your office to voice their complaints.

  1. “It was rigged!” chants real housewife of Random Chaos City, Peggy McCarthy Karsprintian, who is so angered that she is speaking at a pace you’re having trouble keeping up with. “Half the judges looked to be Maxtopian to me, and you know what those people think of us and our culture. The contest must be rerun, this time with more unbiased judges from Random Chaos. If the rest of The Hatrackia doesn’t agree, threaten trade sanctions, heck, maybe even outright war. Our national pride depends on this!”
  2. “Clearly, the rest of The Hatrackia are just uncultured idiots!” crescendoes Grogu Solo, who was recently voted the country’s most-eligible bachelor. “If they can’t appreciate us, who needs them? The government should sponsor its own patriotic song contest! Call it Random Chaosian Idol, only let native-born Random Chaosians compete, and let Random Chaosians vote for a winner. A song for the people, by the people, to the people, from the people. Or something.”
  3. “For sure, everyone knows that The Hatrackiavision always has every nation giving top marks to their favourite historic allies,” intones reality show survivor Geoff Probes. “Maybe instead you should be asking why other nations don’t feel inclined to treat Random Chaos that way. Maybe you should be investing more in diplomacy, in mutual-backscratching, in favorable trade deals traded for agreeable song contest votes. This is how the world works, and we should be learning to play nice with our neighbors.”
  4. “If you ask me, these low-brow shows are making your average Random Chaosian no smarter than a 5th-grader,” croons your apprentice, after finally clearing the rabble from your office. “If only more shows on TV were serious, like 60 Clock-ticks, or informative, like Will Zeke the Science Geek, then television could actually help create a smarter, more refined populace.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, whales in captivity live in little more than glorified goldfish bowls.

2022-01-13 21:00

Fantastic Beasts and How Random Chaos Harmed Them

A shocking exposé on tourist attraction OceanWorld has revealed the mistreatment of captive orcas and other marine animals. Your office has since faced a tidal wave of complaints demanding government action.

  1. “This is torture!” shouts renowned whale biologist Willy Free, seen wearing an orca costume. “These poor and mistreated creatures can’t experience their natural habitat, and frankly live solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short lives! They can handle living in the wilderness and thrive better there. We must end these inhumane captivity programs. The same can go for zoos, circuses, and aquariums, too.”
  2. “You can’t do that, you ignorant whale lovers!” pleads the CEO of OceanWorld, Lara Eliot, while counting OceanWorld Random Chaos City’s daily intake. “If you ban institutions like OceanWorld, how are endangered species going to survive in this big bad world? Isn’t it better that their populations thrive in our viewing tanks, rather than struggling in prime fishing waters? Besides, your average Random Chaosian will never get the chance to see these animals except at a zoo. Do you want to deny them that experience? Not to mention zoos and conservation programs like ours are a great way to get people interested in the environment. Everyone wins with OceanWorld!”
  3. “Perhaps there could be a compromise?” queries your Minister of the Environment, Regulus Lowe, who has been smelling like grass lately. “Ending zoos would harm the tourism industry, and we can’t deny that these programs help endangered species. Why don’t we set a limit on what animals they take? Specifically the endangered ones? I’m sure that we can also force tougher standards to ensure OceanWorld treats the animals humanely as well.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, customers who are not the epitome of politeness always find themselves at the back of the queue.

2022-01-13 15:00

Are We Being Served?

A broad survey of retail customers conducted across Random Chaos has revealed increasing dismay with shoddy customer service, with especial complaints about staff being rude and unhelpful. One leisurely morning you decide to go undercover, to collect opinions from staff in one of the nation’s largest department stores: Greys Brothers.

  1. The elevator opens at the Ladies and Gentlemen’s Department, and the floor manager - sporting a red carnation and identifying himself as Major Maximus Gambler - pushes his views on you. “Poor service? Blame the imbeciles who work here, the counter staff. They have had no proper education, many did not even graduate from university, let alone serve time in the military, like I did, heroically, in the Great Brasilistani War. If you want quality service to flourish, then compulsory military service will teach respect to these scallywags!”
  2. After you extricate yourself, you engage in a brief chat with two floor staff who are just returning from their mid-morning coffee break, Betty Sugden and Wilberforce Inman. “The reason we’re unhappy,” declares Mrs. Sugden, “is because we are constantly late due to overcrowded buses and trains! Even if I’m one second late, I get told off for it! Is it any wonder that I’m so wound up that I snap at people? I’m so upset when I get home that I end up being mean to my poor pussy!” After an awkward pause, Mr. Inman interjects. “She means her cat. But she’s right! With lives as hard as ours, is it any wonder that men swear? You should provide more transport, so that there’s always an empty seat calling out ‘I’m freeeee!’ on the buses!”
  3. As you make your way towards the elevator to leave, you are approached and then harangued by the elderly and curmudgeonly head of the Gents section, a Mr. Ernest Stranger, and you briefly explain the reason for your visit. “Rude? RUDE? Who says we’re rude! Get me a glass of water Mr. Inman!” He collapses into a chair. “I’ve been serving for over 35 years, I damn well don’t need any advice on how to treat customers! In fact, if these customers don’t meet my standards, I should have the right to refuse to serve them, full stop - make it law! Now since you’re not going to buy anything, you’ll excuse me, I have to go put in my afternoon set of teeth.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government sends submarines to retrieve bodies from shipwrecked submarines.

2022-01-13 09:00

Frozen Assets

A Random Chaosian mountain climber was lost in a remote province of Dàguó, atop a peak known as the Mother of All Mountains. She is most likely dead, but without the body, her relatives have had trouble collecting death benefits and inheriting her estate.

  1. “It’s hard enough losing her without having to deal with all this red tape!” sobs the climber’s tearful sister, gazing distressedly at the late climber’s 8th century porcelain vase collection. “This is just adding insult on top of injury! We all know she’s not coming back, so please, just help us get a piece of... uh, I mean help us find peace!”
  2. “Just because Yolanda Gruber climbed the Mother of All Mountains doesn’t mean it’s her job to help her grasping relatives climb the social ladder,” sneers cantankerous left-wing blogger Daisy Nakatomi. “Have the government seize her property for now, and hold it in trust until she turns up, dead or alive.”
  3. “Perhaps I can help your government resolve this issue,” offers mountain guide Hirsa Hendi Sherpa. “It might be possible to recover Yolanda’s body, if you’re willing to fund the search. With a well-organized search of the 30,000-foot peak, we’ll almost certainly find your woman. Then all the paperwork will be simple and her family can give her a proper funeral.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the populace has developed a mortal fear of the woods.

2022-01-13 03:00

Where in the Woods Is Cindy SanFrancisco?

After their daughter wandered off into the woods behind her house, a pair of teary-eyed parents interrupts one of your meetings, beseeching you to step up the rescue effort.

  1. “She’s only t-t-three years old!” sobs the lost girl’s mother. “She’ll never make it out there in the wilderness all alone. She’s going to d- d- d-” Her husband steps in as she breaks down in tears: “Please, you have to do something! There aren’t enough rescue workers out there. You need to hire more or divert them from other areas or something! What’s more important than a child’s safety?”
  2. “Hmph!” scoffs Daisy Santos, your miffed financial advisor. “The nerve of some people! Do you really want to squander all that money on one kid? If you’re stupid enough to walk off into the forest all by yourself, maybe you shouldn’t make it to adulthood to have your own stupid kids. Survival of the fittest never hurt anyone — anyone worthwhile that is. We need to get rid of this unnecessary safety net. No more rescue teams. Then maybe parents will actually watch their moron kids.”
  3. “Yer all missin’ the heart o’ the matter,” barks Ivan Armstrong, a burly, crosscut-saw wielding lumberjack. “The problem isn’t these lil’ rascals gettin’ lost; it’s what they’re gettin’ lost in. If we chop down those damned woods, well then there won’t be anythin’ to get lost in, now will there? You give me and my team the OK, and we’ll make those wooded deathtraps a thing o’ the past!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, unemployed youngsters trained to kill are being released en masse into society.

2022-01-12 21:00

The Bottom of the Gun Barrel

It’s harvest season and farms all over Random Chaos are starved of manpower. A sizeable proportion of able-bodied young adults have been conscripted into the army, leaving the agricultural sector unable to find enough temporary workers to pick fruit or work the fields.

  1. “We only have half a dozen employees to work four times that many acres,” moans Jenna Castro, a citrus orchard manager, “and three of them don’t even know how to operate basic machinery. If you could exempt people who have experience working on farms from the draft, our sector will be saved. Remember, an army marches on its stomach, so supporting us will help the military as well.”
  2. “That’s not enough!” exclaims economist Ned Huffington, marching into your office. “The military consumes resources but produces nothing. As you can see, it’s already causing detriment to productivity, and continuing to support it will eventually result in our entire economic infrastructure collapsing. I insist that you scrap conscription laws before our economy withers and dies!”
  3. “Insubordination!” yells General Picard, waving a fist in the air in agitation. “How can you suggest that we leave our borders defenceless? There is another available source of manpower that has been overlooked - the disabled and elderly can be made to work. The agricultural sector can put to rest any accusations of ableism or ageism, and we get to maintain our army size.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, twins move across the country to avoid being accused of the other's crimes.

2022-01-12 15:00

Double Trouble

An intelligence agent has uncovered a document detailing a planned coup of your government. DNA evidence extracted from skin cells on the document have linked the plot to two cabinet ministers — identical twins Jamie and Jessie Murdoch. Both twins deny any involvement and are blaming the other.

  1. “Because we can’t tell which twin was plotting against you, we can’t reasonably prove either of them was involved,” claims Attorney General and killjoy Billy Whiterock. “Better to let a guilty person walk free than have an innocent person be wrongly punished. We have no choice but to hold back until we have more evidence, and allow them to continue their current roles. Besides, I always found it somewhat charming that we have twins fulfilling the roles of Minister for Alternative Solutions and Minister for Creative Solutions.”
  2. “Bah, in my experience twins are more likely to commit crimes because they think we can’t charge both of them,” says Chief of Police Bartholomeus Tate, who’s a bit of a loose cannon but by gum, gets results every time. “If you free them both, then you’re issuing a carte blanche for these creepy doppelgangers to commit crimes. As long as we’re sure that one twin was responsible, assume both are guilty until one of them cracks and confesses.”
  3. “Good news everyone!” announces Professor Darnsworth, a crackpot geneticist who is the spitting image of your Secretary of State. “We’ve recently discovered that all sets of identical twins are comprised of an ‘evil’ twin and a ‘good’ twin. Invariably, one twin will always be predisposed to be evil, grow a goatee and blame their evil deeds on the other twin. Give my team a blank cheque and we’ll be able to develop a soul smear test to determine which person in a pair of twins is evil. Then you can keep the good twin and punish the evil one!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the standardised national curriculum requires that all-male classes be taught why they have periods.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2022-01-12 09:00

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Parents at West Random Chaos City High School were furious to discover that teachers belonging to a small evangelical sect ignored national guidelines about comprehensive sex education, instead teaching an abstinence-only programme.

  1. “How is Little Willow supposed to survive a world of adult pressures without knowing all the facts?” fumes parent Coraline Baker, her straggly hair hanging limply around her shoulders. “It’s deplorable that so-called educators could leave her so unprepared for life. Order that all schools teach the standardised and comprehensive curriculum as written, and fire all teachers that refuse!”
  2. “The walking mop is correct,” attests Miss Giono, one of the teachers in question, writing a red ‘F’ on your hand. “And we tell the youngsters exactly how it is. We show the crippling effects of syphilis; tell them every sexually-active person could have it. We tell them condoms cause rashes; that boys who kiss you will leave. We tell them that some women who have an abortion will never get pregnant again. And we say: only those who join our Purity Club, marrying their one pure and predestined partner can avoid those horrors. For facts, from a correct viewpoint, you must fund our abstinence-only curriculum nationwide.”
  3. “Immoral purveyors of the perverse!” booms Fly-fornication Yoder, a bushy-bearded member of an obscure order, who is trailed by his black-clad wife and twelve thematically-named children. “The youth hear filthy words — endometrium, oestrogen, epidermis — and soon they are side-hugging, holding hands, and watching prime-time satire on the Comedy Network. The One Above is clear: remain pure, knowing nought of the foulness by which infants are begotten until your wedding night. Ban all discussion of the mechanics of reproduction, for Random Chaos’s moral health.”
  4. “We could make everyone happy,” coos prematurely-grey former-teacher Mia Mitchell, her bug-eyes seeming even larger through a thick pair of round-rimmed spectacles. “I admit, I used to be one of those hip ‘withhold nothing’ teachers. Then I had kids. The idea of my itty-bitty Tarquin hearing naughty words, in the name of ‘education’? Not on my watch, bucko. Big Government should stop legislating every tiny detail of our kids’ school day, and allow schools to teach any sex education curriculum they like: from no-holds-barred to nothing at all. Then parents will be free to choose the school that best suits their needs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has pledged that not one drop of its citizens' blood will be spilt.

2022-01-12 03:00

Period Drama

Tonight’s big family dinner seemed like such a nice idea. Alas, it’s all descended into awkward silences and short tempers again. This is mostly thanks to your sister’s complaints about the high price of feminine sanitary products, which she largely attributes to the so-called “tampon tax”: a sales tariff on these items.

  1. “It’s a bloody outrage! The patriarchy seems to believe that tampons and pads aren’t essentials,” rails your sister Jill, waving a grocery receipt under your nose. “You have to stop taxing feminine products! If the income stream is so important to you, stick it on income tax instead! Women everywhere are demanding change. Can’t you go with the flow?”
  2. “Don’t make a scene, dear,” soothes your mother, patting her on the shoulder. “If the prices are bleeding you dry or cramping your style, I’m sure your dear sibling will have the state buy them for you, and for all Random Chaos’s ladies. That’s what government is for, isn’t it darling?”
  3. “Ugh, I can’t believe that your sister would even talk about such things at the dinner table,” moans Uncle Arthur, handing out copies of his self-published pamphlet, Women: For Pity’s Sake, Don’t Talk. “It completely put me off my borscht. If it were up to me, I’d make it a crime to publicly discuss women’s monthly troubles. Some things are best kept private, period!”
  4. “Let’s try and be balanced here,” whispers your Treasury Minister Nikolai Bourdain, wishing he’d never accepted the invitation to your family home. “Sales tax is vital to help keep the burden of income tax down, but it’s a good thing to be equitable. Why not add sales tax to men’s daily goods like razors and shaving cream? That way, everybody pays their fair share.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the "feminist protest" defence is increasingly common for cases of armed robbery.

2022-01-11 21:00

Thora and Eloise

The cross-country crime-spree of two women, Thora Dobbs and Eloise Mulholland, kept the nation hooked to their TV sets for several days, and ended in tragedy with their joint suicide pact. The unfolding story has given the pair a strange anti-hero celebrity status, with many tearful and sighing fans laying flower wreaths and shell-casings around the burnt out wreck of their car. The press are awaiting a statement from your office on the matter.

  1. “It’s clear,” says Kellyanne Zhu, of popular feminist panel-show HERstory, “that Ms. Dobbs and Ms. Mulholland were making a protest against the phallocentric values that dictate our outdated laws.” She waves her hands for applause, momentarily forgetting that she’s not in the television studio. “Uh... We should applaud them.”
  2. “But this isn’t daubing some graffito,” says Beth Fields, the so-called Hanging Judge of Random Chaos City. “These gals weren’t Robin Hood. They robbed seventeen convenience stores, shot three people, and stole clothes from my Mama’s washing line. Let’s call a spade a spade, here: they’re evil. They deserved to plunge off the Gambler Viaduct.”
  3. “Let’s be honest,” mansplains Pax Mason, the proudly chauvinistic author of Men are Divine, Women are Slime, as he pushes in front of the previous two speakers, “this all began the moment those young ladies got in that car. Had two unchaperoned girls been kept from doing that, this mess would never have happened. Well, there’s only one sane, logical answer to that... Don’t let womenfolk drive anymore.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the space program has been scrapped in order to focus on more terrestrial pursuits.

2022-01-11 15:00

Orbital Armageddon?

The space research organization in Random Chaos has requested more government funding for space-related research and development, and the possibility of creating orbital weapons platforms has become a topic of intense debate.

  1. General Apu Ryan says, “We should spend more. But not just on exploration. We should start developing Orbital Weapons! Space Marines! Armed Spacecraft! We would rule the region, and look cool doing it! Just divert some funding from environmental protection, and BAM! Sci-fi goodies!”
  2. Noted scientist and pacifist writer Emma Anderson thinks otherwise, “No! Space is a place for peace! It’s the only place left we’ve got that we haven’t screwed up. Oh, the space program still needs funding, don’t get me wrong, but none of this ‘military in space’ stuff will do! We ought to divert funding from the military to education and space research instead!”
  3. Fringe group leader Kamehameha Garcia disagrees, “Space is a total waste of time. We should spend more on stuff people actually CARE about. Like protecting the environment! Forget that fancy-schmancy space station!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sexually-starved male dinosaurs terrorise tourists during weekly breakouts from Mesozoic Park.

2022-01-11 09:00

Mesozoic Park

A wealthy industrialist has come to the government asking for support with building a massive theme park in a remote island off the Random Chaosian coast... stocked with dinosaurs!

  1. “This technology has so much potential!” extols eccentric billionaire Ron Hammond, while enjoying a tub of ice-cream. “With the right investment, my company could get this park up and running within a few years. Picture it: the Plesiosaur Paddling Pool, the Tricerosaurus Petting Zoo, trained Velociraptor tour guides - the kids will love it! All we need is a little government support in rounding up the strays and finishing off the fences, but there’s no need to worry about safety - to ensure everything remains under control, we’ve made sure all the animals are males.”
  2. “Evolution and natural selection selected these creatures for extinction for a reason,” muses Jeff Malcolm, a famed mathematician, “And, um, what right do we have to play God? Gee, the lack of humility before nature that’s being displayed here, uh... staggers me. If there’s one thing that history, uh, has taught us, it’s that you can’t control nature. The park is doomed to fail... well, there it is.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sex offenders find themselves cut off from the ability to repeat their crimes.

2022-01-11 03:00

Cutting Off Sex Offenders?

After the capture and trial of notorious rapist Fred Cotchin, who was convicted of the rape of over 50 women in the past two years, a debate has emerged on how he should be punished.

  1. “That psychopath should be castrated,” says rape victim advocate Vanna Khachaturian. “That’s the only punishment that can ensure the agony he put those women through will never be repeated. Additionally, it will provide some small measure of justice to the victims, and ensure that the other monsters out there think twice before attacking women! Why protect the offenders? They gave up their rights when they decided to destroy the lives of others!”
  2. “I understand that this is a terrible time for the poor victims in this case,” says defense attorney Barry Riker. “However, the answer is not to revert back to the Dark Ages. Instead, we must focus on rehabilitation of all criminals in our justice system.”
  3. “Everyone knows re-education is a waste of money, we shouldn’t go soft on these crooks!” says CEO Finlay Zahm of the People Trading Corporation. “Simply place all rapists and criminals in Random Chaos into forced labor under the management of our company to serve out their sentences. When we’re through with them, they won’t even think of jaywalking, much less harming another person. We get free labor, and these crooks get put straight. Everybody benefits... well, except the crooks.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, beat cops aren't named for the territory they patrol.

2022-01-10 21:00

Total Eclipse of the Brain

Earlier today, a mysterious bearded stranger announced himself in the centre of Random Chaos City. He drew a crowd by telling of his ability to block out the sun, demanding that everyone hand over all their gold or face the consequences. A few moments later, the sun disappeared! Panicking, those gathered gave him their jewellery, watches and even the gold fillings from their teeth.

  1. “Behold my miracles,” states the stranger. “Just as I foretold, the sun was blocked out for a full three minutes and did not return until I commanded it to shine again. You should recognise a messiah when you see one! Install me as your Minister for Sun Protection, and give me a budget for sun worship rituals.”
  2. “He’s not a messiah; he’s a very naughty boy!” lectures peripatetic pedagogue Miss Perspicacia Tick. “For goodness sake, hasn’t anyone heard of a solar eclipse? Honestly, this nation has some of the dimmest people I’ve ever had the misfortune of trying to teach. You should put funding in place for every school to have telescopes and accredited science textbooks. And yes, I would love to run your new Science Academy.”
  3. “Minister for Sun Protection! Science academies! What utter nonsense!” declares sceptical police officer Don Nutt. “Con artists bug me more than murderers! Just let me take both these swindlers to the station, and I’m sure they’ll confess to everything after a damned good beating!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, factories are regularly demolished to make way for low-cost housing areas.

2022-01-10 15:00

Ornery Overcrowding Problem

A survey recently released by the Random Chaos Housing Authority indicates that the country’s burgeoning population is rapidly leading to a housing crisis as families find themselves crammed into increasingly cramped living spaces.

  1. “What we need are more high rises, whether low-cost or fancy condos,” says demographic expert Sophie Fils-Aimé. “They’re efficient, waste little land, and wouldn’t you love to wake up to the bright cheery sky in front of you every morning? Of course, there’s the problem of higher contagious disease transmission, but I’m sure our health system is robust enough for that. Not to mention all the jobs these new buildings will bring.”
  2. “All these industrial factories take up so much space,” argues social welfare commentator Bajrakitiyabha May. “The fact is, not only do they pollute, but they hog land that is better used for low-cost housing. Studies show that apartments are just too cramped for people to be comfortable in. We would be a lot better off in simple single-floor houses. Especially if they’re subsidised by the government.”
  3. “This raises an interesting issue,” says François Snape, staunch supporter of birth control. “And that is: why do we need to build more housing anyway? Why don’t we just limit the number of children each family can have? Besides, pregnancy causes all sorts of complications. We’re better off with less of it anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, private pharmacies close down as medicinal drugs are given away freely by the government.

2022-01-10 09:00

Private Lab Holds Random Chaos’s Sick to Ransom

Scientists at a private medical research laboratory have announced that they have produced a drug which will combat Random Chaos’s most notorious malady - Spon Plague.

  1. “This pill is the only known and unknown cure for the Spon Plague!” proclaims Professor Rey O'Brien, the inventor of the cure. “But if we are to go ahead with the production of this drug, we must get some government support. We’re set to make a fortune from this drug - the money we earn will help us develop even more cures for other as-yet untreatable diseases. Some people won’t be able to afford it of course, but hard cheese on them: they should have got a paying job while they were still capable.”
  2. “That’s a disgraceful way to think!” says equal rights activist Zuko Urquhart. “So the people who need the most help shouldn’t get any? I propose that the government takes over the distribution of all drugs so everyone can benefit from them, rich or not! That way the money-hungry corporations won’t profit from the suffering of the masses. Of course there will be the matter of a small tax rise to fund it - but what’s that when lives will be saved?”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” deplores well-respected religious leader, Denethor Colbert. “If God didn’t want people to have this disease he wouldn’t have created it in the first place. This is completely against the will of God and if the government allows this drug to go on sale we will all be doomed to an afterlife in a dark and fiery place! Now let’s end this madness and abolish the production of pharmaceuticals and drugs altogether!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, panels from bankrupt rooftop solar companies are used as props for sci-fi B-movies.

2022-01-10 03:00

Watts Up With Rooftop Solar

As residential rooftop solar is increasing in popularity, Random Chaos Gas and Electric (RCG&E) has begun to offer resistance to the current billing structure, complaining that households’ electric bills are so low they can no longer afford to maintain the grid. With rhetoric on all sides becoming increasingly high voltage, RCG&E is asking you to approve a change in their fee structure.

  1. CEO Joule Ohm of RCG&E sweeps the papers off your desk, slams down his proposed fee structure, and then begins to speak, “If we are to maintain the grid while keeping power affordable for the poor, there has to be a change to the system. We need a flat grid fee charged monthly to all households regardless of energy use. With a grid fee, we can reduce the per kilowatt usage fee, so most users will hardly notice the difference.”
  2. “I couldn’t think of a better plan to kill my business!” yells Kristian Sparkle, the amped-up CEO of Sol Invictus, Random Chaos’s biggest rooftop solar installation company. “If the power company charges you a huge fee no matter how much power you use, who will want solar panels? I have a bright solution. If RCG&E needs more money, let them raise the per kilowatt usage fees for everyone. But we need electricity meters in every household to track energy usage and whether homes with solar panels are producing surplus power to sell back to the grid. Let’s let the market determine the price of power!”
  3. “I could think of a better way to kill solar,” wheezes Rebecca Broadside, the octogenarian CEO of Relaxed Diamond Coal Company. “Ban it! Rooftop solar panels are eyesores, and they’re driving out Random Chaos’s mom and pop coal companies. No more, I say! We’re blessed with plentiful coal deposits; let’s use them to make cheap, local power. As for those global warming alarmists, why, the weatherman can’t even predict tomorrow’s weather, never mind the weather 50 years from now.”
  4. “This problem needs a solution grasped from the future, not grounded in the industrial revolution!” declares celebrity green-energy venture capitalist Melon Husk. “My company is beginning to develop initial prototypes for large-capacity home-use batteries. However, to make this viable in the near future, we just need a smidgen of government subsidies for research and production. I think the batteries we’ll develop will be affordable and, combined with solar panels, they’ll almost certainly be able to provide households with their energy demands. I’m pretty sure we can make power lines a thing of the past!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children often kick gamblers for amusement.

2022-01-09 21:00

Scientists Declare That Gamblers Are Persons

Recent research into gambler intelligence reveals that they have several characteristics associated with human intelligence. There is apparently evidence of advanced object permanence, capacity for empathy, self-awareness, problem solving, and even a language system. Voices in Random Chaos are now demanding that the government should grant them legal personhood.

  1. “These animals are both sentient and intelligent,” says Larry Powers of the Council for the Study of Animal Intelligence, while desperately trying to play Scrabble with a gambler. “In all important ways they meet our standards for personhood. The government must therefore declare them legal persons with some basic civil rights. That means no more cages, needles or circus shows; they must have full bodily liberty.” He looks down at the board: “Hey, wait a minute, ‘DEAT’ isn’t a word!”
  2. “You’re not seriously going to listen to this quack, are you?” shouts Georgina Wiggum, Great Big Bahpoo of the Cult of Cyan, a religious group so esoteric they make Violetism seem straightforward. “So what if gamblers are intelligent? Were they given dominion over the earth and all its inhabitants? No, those things were given to us, humanity. These animals are here to cater to our basic needs, like carrying heavy loads, or teaching them how to juggle and selling them to the circus. Gambler personhood? What blasphemy. You’d be better off stripping them of any ‘animal’ rights they have today.”
  3. “Don’t listen to that human supremacist,” quips Mallory Johnson of the Animal Liberation Front, while donning a ski-mask and grabbing her bolt cutters. “However, merely granting gamblers personhood is not going far enough. We must give them full citizenship! You should allow elections as well, and let them vote and represent themselves in our government, free from human interest and according to their own concerns. Sure, it’ll be a tad complicated, and expensive. Voter registration might prove troublesome, and we need to figure out exactly how they would vote. But that’s the price we must pay to defeat speciesism once and for all! What’s that? Oh, yeah I guess humans should be allowed to vote too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign policy is mostly just to smile and hope for the best.

2022-01-09 15:00

Externalities Palmed Off

A sunny neighbouring nation with a developing economy has been burn-clearing large swathes of rainforest to gain land for palm tree plantations. Weather conditions have carried the thick pall of smoke from the burning across a narrow sea strait, and into Random Chaos.

  1. “The smog is affecting the young, the elderly, and the sick,” notes your Minister of Civic Welfare, as she holds a rose-scented handkerchief over her nose and mouth. “We have to send a strongly-worded letter to their government to request that they do something to stop the parties responsible, if they’d be so kind. I’m sure that with their own citizens being affected, and with us pointing out the ecological damage they’re doing, they’ll take everything into consideration and choose to be reasonable.”
  2. “They aren’t going to respond to that! They don’t care if their own citizens drop dead in the fields; they’re cynical profiteers who only care about the bottom line!” fumes Malekith Barnes, the Minister of Trade and Industry. “This sort of thing is exactly why we refuse to trade with other nations. We should pressure all their allies and major trade partners to do the same with them. That’ll teach them!”
  3. “Teach them what? That we care about abstract concepts like ‘diplomacy’ and ‘dialogue’?” rebukes Sarah Gonzalez, a hawkish Air Force Commander, pounding her fist into her open hand for emphasis. “It’s clear that they won’t fold easily when there’s so much profit at stake, but if we bomb the government, whoever is still left will accede to any of our demands.”
  4. “And what will that achieve? Decades in a never-ending war, that’s what!” mocks Angela Morricone, a slightly deranged scientist, who is staring intently at a snowglobe. “Instead, let’s build a protective acrylic-glass dome over every city, and connect them via enclosed tubes. We won’t have to care about the haze, difficult neighbours, or even climate change ever again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fire stations and hospitals can't deploy emergency vehicles because badly parked cars block them in.

2022-01-09 09:00

Drive My Car

While parking your car for a short press conference to pander to families in Random Chaos City, you are besieged by citizens and cops fighting over parking tickets, of all things. All sides seem unusually passionate about the topic, and you are being increasingly surrounded by the angry crowd.

  1. “These deadbeats think that if they neglect to pay their tickets for a few months, we’ll just forget all about them,” rants Police Chief Gyurme Modi while pushing aside some irritated motorists. “Well they’re wrong. The government needs more severe penalties to make an example of these criminals. After all, mis-parked cars obstruct the normal flow of traffic and annoy everybody. Hike up the fines, even take cars away from people that refuse to pay for their crimes. Then punks will know to respect my authori-tay!”
  2. “You know the real reason we have so many unpaid tickets? They are already too damn expensive!” fumes Mamiko Summers, one of the city’s poorest citizens. “How can someone who barely makes enough to eat possibly pay for a parking ticket? One ticket sets me back half a month and a rich guy only a minute. Tickets have to be proportional to people’s income. Then the punishment would actually fit the crime.”
  3. “How about we, the citizens of Random Chaos, finally get a break for once?” complains Severian Campbell while parking in a public fountain and splashing everyone nearby, yourself included. “It’s not fair to make my kids wait five minutes just to find an ‘acceptable’ place to park. Let’s just get rid of all of these silly tickets once and for all. After all, who’s to say where is or isn’t a logical place to park?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, public shaming has become the favoured form of punishment.

2022-01-09 03:00

A Polar Bear’s Tale

An anonymous caller recently asked the police to break up a party at Gambler City Beach, citing an ancient law that states: ‘Goers unto the coast must be accompanied by an ursine beast of white fur’. This antiquated statute, leftover from long ago, after an influential courtier had trouble selling two dozen imported polar bears, was never rescinded. A re-examination of the many frivolous and archaic laws that are hidden within the nation’s legislative archives has found its way to you.

  1. “This is a stupid law!” complains Severus Drake, who was interrogated by the police during the incident. “I was questioned for half an hour because I didn’t have a polar bear! Where am I supposed to find a polar bear? I’ve done some reading up on these old laws: did you know that in the district of West Random Chaos City it’s illegal for ladies to go out on Saturdays with a non-matching watch and handbag? These laws are foolish, and you should get rid of them.”
  2. “You can’t be serious!” exclaims Kitty Lewis, your secretary, who’s wearing goggles because she is within 50 cubits of a fire hose, a law that applies only to the inside of Parliament. “We can’t go around erasing all these half-witted laws — that would be way too much administrative work! We should just issue guidelines to our police officers, advising them to use their discretion about whether to enforce these laws.”
  3. “Excuse me, but you seem to be forgetting that these people broke the law,” reminds goggleless Chief of Police Emily Schultz, taking care to stand 51 cubits from the fire hose. “I don’t care how ‘stupid’ you think it is: the fact of the matter is that these people disobeyed the law! Sentence them as they would have been punished when these laws were written!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, religious bigotry is not allowed but bigotry against theism is encouraged.

2022-01-08 21:00

The White Man’s Burden

Albinos - born with an absence of pigment in their eyes, skin or hair - suffer a lot of medical problems as a result of their condition. Additionally, they can often face multiple forms of discrimination, and some even believe that their bodies possess extraordinary health benefits and magic powers. Following a brutal attack on an albinistic teenager, which left him armless and disfigured, you have been urged to address their persecution.

  1. “Decapitations, infanticides, kidnappings, and amputations! It’s beyond the pale!” weeps Yui Hesse, mother of the now hospitalised victim of the attack. “These are the dangers that albinos face every day. This must end! It should be illegal for anyone to discriminate against albinos, and that includes the media. In fact, make it easier to be an albino in Random Chaos: give them free eye care, police protection, welfare support, and a lifetime supply of sunscreen!”
  2. “This isn’t a black and white issue, and skin-deep solutions won’t tackle the root causes,” declares Dave Patel, a divisive atheist demagogue. “Ignorance and superstition are to blame for all this, so let’s stamp them out. Raise awareness about what albinism is and isn’t. Teach people that albinos are normal Random Chaosians, just like you and me. We must erase the absurd primitive thinking that drives these attacks. Teach rationality, teach science, teach atheism!”
  3. “Albinos definitely possess magicks beyond this realm,” bellows the self-proclaimed Witch of the Wilds, whose person is adorned with amulets made of albino body parts. “Trust me, I’m also a doctor. The hair of an albino is a cure for many afflictions, including blindness, cancer and brain freezes. The tears of an orphaned albino child will remedy a broken heart. Therefore, the government must support my endeavor to bring the gifts of the albino to all in Random Chaos by setting up albino hunting guilds and farms. The nation can even benefit by sacrificing an albino every now and then for victory in war or a bountiful harvest!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is spending billions of chips on a fancy space probe to find a planet that may not even exist.

2022-01-08 15:00

Beloved “Planet” Has Gone to the Dogs

Outrage has been brewing across the nation since the International Astronomers Council decided to reclassify Fido, Random Chaos’s most beloved planet, as “Just a Really Big Meteoroid.” Now, for some reason, Fido-lovers are looking to you for action.

  1. “Demoting our cherished ‘Dog Planet’ is an insult to Random Chaos!” declares G. C. Sirius, noted Fido-defender and author of ‘Science! (Huh!) What Is It Good For?’ “I don’t need to remind you that Fido is the only planet to be discovered by a Random Chaosian, and now these so-called ‘scientists’ are trying to get rid of it! I bet they’d change their tune if you cut off funding for all the observatories. I think the government needs to take a clear stand and declare that all educational curricula within Random Chaos still consider Fido a planet. Our textbooks need to defend the scientific discoveries of our fellow Random Chaosians!”
  2. “Maybe this isn’t the travesty we think it is?” wonders Gehn Sestero, a planetary scientist who has discovered several other Really Big Meteoroids. “After all, the Bigtopian word for ‘crisis’ is the same as the word for ‘big cash payoff’... isn’t it? If you give us some money, we can rig up a cool space probe to blast into the outer part of our system and investigate Fido for ourselves. If pretty pictures aren’t enough to convince the skeptics at the IAC that it is actually a planet, well then, maybe there’s another planet out there for me, I mean, us to find? It’s pretty unlikely we’ll find anything, but it takes so long to get out there; who’s gonna remember the hit to their wallets twenty years from now?”
  3. “Look, the fact of the matter is, Fido is not like all the other planets in our system, and anyone who can’t accept it is a science-denier,” says children’s entertainer Will Zeke the Science Geek, sporting his trademark lab coat and bow tie. “Any government that refuses to heed scientific evidence does not deserve to function. I’m not just talking about space; I’m talking about tackling climate change and teaching evolutionary science in school instead of fairy tales about Adele and Steve!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, trying to toast marshmallows in an electric fireplace just isn't the same.

2022-01-08 09:00

Burning Over a New Leaf

Many Random Chaosians have long equated the autumn with colder temperatures, apple bobbing, pumpkin spice, and the aromatic tradition of burning fallen leaves to avoid doing yard work. Although the smoky scents of burning foliage are soothing to some, an uptick in the number of domestic fires caused by immolating leaf piles has lead to a growing call to ban the hallowed practice.

  1. “This year alone, Random Chaos has spent an exorbitant amount of chips on fire damage caused by burning leaves,” states Minister of Disasters, Bonnie Fyre. “We need to make it illegal for unlicensed persons to burn plant matter outside, to curtail these outrageous costs! I hate yard work as much as anyone, but I think we can all agree that having homes to live in is more important than a little added inconvenience.”
  2. “Not burning leaves during the fall is about the most un-Random Chaosian thing I can think of!” exclaims acclaimed singer-songwriter George Morris Jr. “When people think of autumn in Random Chaos, they think of romance under the moonlit skies, as all the leaves on the trees are falling with the smoky scent carried on the breezes that blow! Leader, I’m begging you — calling on your heartstrings that play soft and low — please don’t ban this fine Random Chaosian tradition.”
  3. A bell rings and a man peddles through your door on a three-wheeled trike. “Greetings Leader, my name is Si Call and I’m a biofuel man. I hear you’re in a tight spot with this leaf business. Now, I’m in the business of sustainability, a business that relies on biomass such as your leaves. You see, only the freshest of leaves will do — the old leaves have too much lignin which makes it hard to extract the sugars. The only thing preventing us from plucking the freshest leaves in Random Chaos is that we don’t own the land the leaves fall on. If you were to allow us to bypass those silly restrictions, why, we could just suck those leaves up the second they hit the ground! What do you say?”
  4. “Leader, you can’t possibly be thinking of getting rid of these leaves. Are you?” questions your Minister of New-Growth Forests, Connie Fuhr. “We cannot underestimate the ecological importance dead leaves play in replenishing the nutrients in our soil! Ban burning leaves, but fine anyone who even thinks about doing yard work to get rid of those leaves!”
  5. “Jeez, this all sounds like so much work,” groans the boyfriend of your fourth cousin, thrice-removed, Vinnie ‘Fun’ Guy, who gives his occupation as ‘waste management’. “These leaves causing problems? Why not just take out the source? Cut down a few trees, bada-bing bada-boom, no more leaves sticking their veins where they ain’t wanted, causing honest folks to start fires. I know a guy who owes me. We’ll take care of this problem for ya. Want us to make it look like an accident?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nose plugs are the latest Random Chaosian fashion accessory.

2022-01-08 03:00

Scents and Sensibility

More and more people have been developing allergies — some severe — to especially potent scents. Allergy specialists and sufferers alike are asking you to stick your nose into this business.

  1. “Everyone knows that we cannot bear these malodorous assaults on our senses!” protests nasally-sensitive allergy specialist Rosemary Thyme between sneezes. “I am persistently surrounded by people who drown themselves in Eternity Is a Long Time or Channel Number 5: A Newswoman’s Perfume. Who knows what these allergic reactions are costing the economy due to lost productivity? Ban the sale of these products!”
  2. “While Rosie has the right idea, an outright ban is only one part of the equation,” gasps Lavender O’Dor, choking due to your fragrant aroma. “You need enforcement officers to make sure people are in full compliance with any perfume ban, which should also include body lotions, deodorants, the lot! My sanity depends on this!”
  3. “You want to tell me what I can and cannot wear when it comes to my personal grooming?” snorts neighbourhood narcissist Imma Mirorslav. “That idea stinks. Darling, listen, I have certain standards to uphold, and my collection of 250 perfumes are a vital part of who I am! If these nosy persons cannot stand being around my exquisite self, perhaps they should all hold their noses instead.”
  4. “While I empathise completely with the plight of these people, there surely has to be a sensible solution to this,” coos fragrance magnate Calvin Colon, who nonchalantly slips a few samples of his latest scents into your pocket. “I smell an opportunity here for fairness: just legislate that every workplace should have sections for those who want to adorn their beautiful bodies with my creations, and for those who prefer… natural scents.” He wrinkles his nose disdainfully.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, if foreigners can hit a spittoon from five paces they get a free holiday to Random Chaos.

2022-01-07 21:00

Culture Wars

A family from Random Chaos was arrested while on holiday in Tasmania for taking a photo of their child urinating in Lake Sacred - a cultural icon that is revered by all Tasmanians. This incident, and others of Random Chaosians behaving badly while abroad, has resulted in a national debate about how uncivilized Random Chaos appears to the rest of The Hatrackia.

  1. “We are the laughing stock of The Hatrackia,” opines your mother, as she picks up the litter on the floor of your office. “We need to draw up a list of government-sanctioned guidelines to show Random Chaosians how to behave properly in the countries they are visiting, and require that all travel agents hand over a copy to anyone who books a foreign holiday. We need to understand that, although some Random Chaosians urinate in fountains and throw rubbish everywhere here, it is not acceptable in other countries.”
  2. “Unfortunately, that won’t be enough to change our bad habits,” declares Tayyip Trax, your old school teacher, as he orders one of your aides to take out the rubbish bin. “Every time I go out, I see an awful lot of people jumping queues and a few even spitting in restaurants. Have we no shame? Well, I’ve had enough; I say we ban all citizens from leaving Random Chaos. Then we will no longer embarrass ourselves in the eyes of The Hatrackia.”
  3. Your glamorous secretary, Lauren Christmas, checks her perfectly coiffed hair to make sure not a strand is out of place. Wearing her elegant branded dress, she sits coyly and gracefully crosses her stockinged feet. She then sneezes into her palm and wipes the snot all over her clothes. “Who cares what the rest of The Hatrackia thinks? I like the way we Random Chaosians are. If those other nations think we’re rude, then that’s their problem! In fact, why don’t we build exhibitions in the other capital cities of The Hatrackia, showcasing our way of doing things? That way, they will stop criticising us and understand us better.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, unshaven men are viewed with suspicion in courts of law.

2022-01-07 15:00

Monkey Business

The legal world is in turmoil following the murder of zoo-keeper, Patty Davenport. The only witness to this crime is the victim’s prized charge, Maxx the lowland gorilla. Maxx has repeatedly communicated the victim’s final words and identified the murderer via sign-language. Top legal experts are debating whether or not animals should be allowed to testify.

  1. “Of course the gorilla should be allowed to testify,” demands Phil Hutz, the lawyer for the prosecution, who has lost every single case, yet still receives business. “Maxx has not only identified the murderer, but also how his keeper was murdered. His testimony must absolutely be considered and if you ask me, the trial is as good as done.”
  2. “This is ridiculous!” scoffs sharply-dressed Xanatos Krugman, the most expensive defence lawyer in Random Chaos, who has never lost a case. “For Violet’s sake, this witness is an animal, not a person! It is a mockery of justice to convict the accused based on the signals of a gorilla — which, may I remind you, could have easily been trained! Frankly, I can’t believe that we’re wasting our time debating this nonsense.”
  3. “Ah, but what if the gorilla is the murderer?” deduces prominent mystery author Edgar Doyle, while dusting your coffee cup for prints. “The police have stated that the victim recently changed her will so that her favourite ape inherited everything, and the will itself was covered in fruit seeds. Animals share the same lust for violence and greed that humans do, haven’t you ever watched Planet Animal? They spend their entire lives killing and eating each other. In order to keep our citizens safe, we should hold animals accountable under the same laws humans are, and in the case of murderers like this gorilla: they should be put down. Maxx had the means and the motive — officers, arrest that gorilla!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, soldiers are slaughtered in their thousands due to lack of training.

2022-01-07 09:00

Sergeants Are Too Nasty, Say New Recruits

A haggard group of new recruits in Random Chaos’s army have spoken out against the brutal conditions experienced in their military training.

  1. “It’s atrocious!” wails Private Jiang Quinn, from amidst the cacophony of a parade cadence. “We’re forced to sleep in crowded barracks, on hard cots, and do the most inhumane exercises when we wake up! Just today I’ve had to crawl through a muddy minefield, climb a grease-coated wall, and to top it all off, get mangled by an angry drill sergeant! All we want is a little respect from the officers - maybe to sleep in until noon, and not have to get all sweaty and tired doing stupid things like marching and climbing ropes. Oh, and private bedrooms too - we’re risking our lives for the country, after all.”
  2. “THEY WANT WHAT?!” screams Sgt. Burkz, while pressing back a rising vein on her neck. “This is WAR, not DAYCARE! If anything, the training standards should be tougher! If I want to whip some pasty-faced, beer-gutted greenhorn because he can’t climb over a razor-wire fence then I should be given the permission to do so right away! The cry-babies won’t like it, but they can run home back to their rich daddies if that’s the way they’re having it. War isn’t a walk in the park, and training shouldn’t be either. For all our sakes.”
  3. “Training, what a load of old hooey,” says renowned spendophobe and radio announcer, Natalie Wolowitz. “The only thing it teaches our soldiers is how to shine boots and fight plastic dummies. We’d be better off if we just dropped them into the fight so they could learn to shoot for themselves. There might be a few accidents, but it’ll be worth it for all the chips we’ll save.”
  4. “There is another way, you know...” whispers Valour Dvořák, the Chief of Secret Projects and Shiny Things in Random Chaos’s military research department. “What if we started taking children and raising them from birth to fight? We’d be able to make them completely immune to propaganda, psychological warfare, and demoralisation. Not only would that stop the crying new recruits, it’d also give us a powerful military edge. People may not like giving up their kids, but that’s why we run the country. We know better.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the "boy who cried wolf" policy makes sick people reluctant to call an ambulance.

2022-01-07 03:00

Failure to Respond

Recently, you found yourself trapped in a broken-down elevator, waiting nearly five hours for emergency services to turn up. You were told this was because their resources were tied up dealing with (among other things) a fake bomb scare, a patient taken to hospital with a runny nose, a man with his beard trapped in a deckchair, a mum having trouble getting groceries home from the store, and a broken DVD player in need of “emergency” repairs.

  1. “I can’t believe we were trapped all that time because some idiots don’t know the difference between an emergency vehicle and a taxi,” complains Danu, your aide. “And that poor lady we were stuck with, and her overflowing catheter bag! That didn’t end well for any of us... You should allow emergency services to ignore the calls of those who misuse the services!”
  2. “You can’t discourage people from using services when they might really need them,” asserts fire fighter Jane Quagmire, striking a heroic magazine-cover pose. “I know that there are some who misuse the system, but overall, they need to know that we’ll be there for them in times of crisis. In fact, you should boost the budgets of emergency services, and give us workers a pay bonus for each call we respond to. It’s the only way to keep our nation safe!”
  3. “Look, there’s a reasonable middle ground here,” offers former model and coastguard officer Casey Parker. “Just run an advertising campaign discouraging unnecessary emergency calls, and warn that you’ll fine callers who waste resources. Like, maybe a poster of some barbed wire with the slogan ‘Don’t call me, babe.’ We’ll cut down on time-wasting and also raise funds that you can use to cut down income tax.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, protecting the land is holey work.

2022-01-06 21:00

Hole in the Wall

A close shave occurred yesterday when, during a severe downpour, one of the nation’s reclaimed coastal areas was nearly flooded due to a small dike section giving way. Thankfully, passing cargo ship The Silver Skate happened to be packed to the gills with sandbags, and the captain of the ship graciously unloaded the cargo, plugging the dike and saving the day. Despite the happy resolution, concerns surrounding the dikes still remain.

  1. “I’m happy to have been able to lend a hand,” chats Captain Hans Blinker, fixing the wobbly leg on your desk with a folded-up business card. “I was on my way to deliver my regular shipment of sand to Macronesia when I noticed that your dike was springing a leak. Now, I think that this incident shows that more thorough maintenance of your dikes is necessary. You should probably slow down expansion into low-lands and coastal areas, and focus more on securing your existing land.”
  2. “Perhaps we should rethink and halt land reclamation,” insists your Environment Minister, phoning in from his beachfront house. “Not only does it cause irreversible damage to local marine wildlife, killing off coral reefs and polluting the sea, but it’s also incredibly expensive. We should be living in harmony with the environment we have, not forcing it into new shapes.”
  3. “What’s more important, some stupid fishes or the survival of our nation?” rebukes Head of Strategic Thinking Sonequa Blofeld, pointing angrily at a map of The Hatrackia. “We need to be expanding our coastlines more aggressively! Forget dikes, we need to be building whole islands and peninsulas to lay claim to so-called ‘international waters’ as quickly as we can! What’s the cost of a few quadrillion tonnes of stone compared to the benefits this could bring?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government spends twice as much reclaiming lost settlements from the sea as it could've on coastal defences.

2022-01-06 15:00

Tide Stops for No Man

The tragic news that seaside resort town Gamblerville-on-Sea has now become Gamblerville-under-Sea has brought the issue of coastal erosion to your attention.

  1. Enthusiastically swinging a bucket and spade, Yoko Ebert of the Random Chaosian Tourism Bureau implores you to strengthen the coastal defences. “We need groynes, sea walls, revetments, gabions - whatever you can get us! Without this protection, dozens more beautiful beaches and tourist hotspots will be lost to the sea, and then where will you go on holiday? Bigtopia?! Don’t make me laugh.”
  2. “Why spend millions of chips protecting provincial villages?” scoffs penthouse-dwelling urbanite Daenerys Longbottom. “Sea levels are rising, and they’re going to be destroyed eventually. How much money are we going to pour down the drain before we realise these seagull-infested dumps aren’t worth saving? Leave the hoi-polloi to their run-down resorts; I’m jetting off to Tasmania.”
  3. “Sea levels are rising, but that’s only because we’re destroying mother earth!” screeches near-hysterical environmental campaigner Nyota Sharp, who for no apparent reason has chained herself to a nearby tree. “Encouraging even more construction and air travel only exacerbates the problem. Instead we should be promoting sustainable eco-tourism: if tourists want to enjoy what Random Chaos has to offer, they should offset their carbon emissions. They can start by planting a tree.”
  4. “All of them have it wrong!” exclaims local nutter Michonne Beachcroft, half-submerged in the sea, and apparently trying to turn back the tide. “In this modern age, why accept that coastal erosion marks the end of things? With enough determination, and massive amounts of money, we could reclaim the land from the sea, and turn this sunken Atlantis into the go-to destination of The Hatrackia!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, surveillance cameras are banned.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

2022-01-06 09:00

Police Consider “Big Brother” Anti-Crime System

The Police department is considering installing surveillance cameras in all major public areas, in an effort to crack down on crime.

  1. “This is a blatant invasion of the right to privacy!” says libertarian web site operator Tina Giono. “Now I can’t even go out in public any more without being watched? And you know this is just the beginning. Today there are cameras in city streets. Tomorrow they’re peering through your bedroom window.”
  2. “Hey, I’ve got news for you,” says Police media liaison Carmen Mitchell. “When you’re out in public, PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU. These cameras will be extremely helpful in reducing the national crime rate. Frankly, I can’t see what the fuss is about.”
  3. “This ‘slippery slope’ argument has got me thinking,” says Police Minister Hamlet Sulu. “You know, it would be a lot easier to fight crime if we watched people all the time. Not with cameras, of course. That’s clearly an invasion of privacy. But how about a national database of our citizens, coupled with compulsory ID cards and barcoding? It would stop crime dead in its tracks.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children keel over while singing "Leader Gives Us the Water of Life".

2022-01-06 03:00

Pipe Down, Already!

Residents across your nation have been poisoned due to dangerous levels of lead in the drinking water. A particularly vocal quartet have arrived to tell you how they think you should handle the problem.

  1. “The government needs to fix our pipes!” shouts Lucina Tate, a mother of four children, as she shows you the image of her teary-eyed youngsters shaking their empty Princess Sparkle-Gambler water tumblers. “Look at this report. Those old lead pipes are corroding and it is leaking into our homes. I cannot give this poisonous water to my daughters! Not only does it taste disgusting, it’s also a health hazard. You have to get rid of the old pipes and install new ones! Think of the children!”
  2. “What’s this woman prattling about?” huffs Heidi Chapman, your notoriously penny-pinching Treasury Minister, squeezing a chip until it cuts her palm. “Everyone knows that lead’s not dangerous. It’s good for you. I heard it just this morning on talk-radio. As your body absorbs healthful lead, it seeps into your bones, makes them stronger, and works to protect against the carcinogens of environmental radiation. What we need, Leader, is an extensive campaign to tell everyone the alternative facts about the many benefits of lead: posters, TV ads, catchy tunes... you name it.”
  3. “Replacing pipes would be so expensive, Leader. Fortunately, I have an excellent economic opportunity for both of us,” asserts Mario Hyde, CEO of Basani Water, looking over his steepled fingers with a contorted grin. “People need water. We have water to sell. Simply allow us to add a small desperation levy, say double the price, and we can help the people of our nation while growing our economy at the same time. Sure, the cattle-class might not be able to afford it, but think of the economic incentives!” He sips his company’s water from a champagne flute.
  4. “Let’s just add synthetic EthyleneDiamineTetraAcetic Acid to the water we’ve got!” giggles chemist Sashona Poindexter giddily, unaware of the blank looks everyone in the room is giving her. “Oh, for crying out glayven. It’s so simple that any child of five, with an advanced degree in chemical engineering, would understand. By giving the whole population preventative chelation therapy, we can guarantee everyone can drink the water, without wasting valuable time and money on repairing pipes or bringing in fresh water. And sure, a few people might get minor side effects, such as heart palpitations, nausea, fatigue, blood clots, and death. But most people will be fine. Probably. So if you could just sign here...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the arms industry is strictly regulated.

2022-01-05 21:00

Arms Industry Demands Respect

Representatives of Random Chaos’s arms manufacturing industry have expressed outrage over the lack of public and private support for their sector.

  1. Interviewed by the industry’s trade journal ‘Our Weapons, Your Victory’, the CEO of Random Chaos Arms Inc, Hillary Picard, said: “It is shameful the way we have been treated over the last few years! Shameful! Our workers, and I tell you we have a great many of them, can barely get to work thanks to disruption by protesters and all that hippie nonsense. And as for this dangerous talk of ‘Ethical Trade Practices’, I say we need full government recognition of our vital contribution to the economy - relaxation of trade barriers, gun laws, and a crackdown on all these long-haired weirdos who try to shut us down!”
  2. “We have a right to protest against this evil business!” screams Matthew Weatherhead through a megaphone. “The arms manufacturing industry is a stain on our nation’s character and must be removed. How can we make money from the production of these evil weapons; how can we stand by and profit from the blood spilled by these abominations? The government must take a stand and outlaw the whole sector!”
  3. Your Minister of Trade advises taking a middle ground: “We can’t ban arms sales without harming the quality of our military and police departments, not to mention the economy. These hippies do have a point though - guns are terrible things in the wrong hands. We should implement additional safety checks on the groups to which the weapons get sold. That way we don’t lose too many sales, and the people are persuaded we are making a stand against nations who use the weapons for immoral ends. The arms industry get to sell their guns and the protesters get to protest. Everybody wins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military spending recently hit a new high.

2022-01-05 15:00

Budget Time: Accountants Excited

It’s time for the government to allocate spending for the coming year, and as always, special interest groups are keen to have their say.

  1. “The state of the education system is, in many areas, simply frightful,” says Teachers Union leader Nuru Ives. “And even where we are doing well, we could do better. I appeal to the authorities for a substantial boost in funding. Remember, the children are our future.”
  2. “We won’t have a future unless we improve police numbers and rebuild the military,” says General Tanya Ponta. “Oh, it’s all well and good to have your fancy education and your nice cars, until some tinpot dictatorship decides to invade. And don’t pretend like there aren’t any of them in our region. Our number one priority has to be security.”
  3. “Education is nice, but Health and Social Welfare are more important,” says celebrity social worker Brenda Wheeler. “This is where the people who really need government help are: the marginalized of our society. If we don’t help them, what kind of a nation are we?”
  4. “Hey, I’ve got a crazy idea,” says noted libertarian and bird-watcher Gwilym Dodinas. “How about the government stops taking so much tax from people? Give us a tax cut and we’ll buy the things we need ourselves. People need to be weaned off the government teat!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, recapturing giraffes is proving to be a tall order.

2022-01-05 09:00

Here’s Looking at Zoo, Kid

Following the abolition of zoos, an ecological report has found that a large proportion of released zoo animals have not survived in the wild because they spent most of their lives in captivity.

  1. “I totally saw this coming,” asserts a pair of talking giraffe’s legs, who you realise is actually the former director of the Random Chaos City Zoo wearing a giraffe costume on stilts. “It’s a sad scene, isn’t it? Those poor giraffes alone in the wilderness with no way of defending themselves from predators like those supercilious tigers. The public are understandably mad that these exotic animals have no chance of surviving in the wild. The answer is simple: let us recapture all of our animals to save them from themselves and we’ll re-exhibit them once more.”
  2. “If you knew this would happen, then why didn’t you prepare the animals before their release?” questions the notoriously catty Secretary of Wildlife Conservation, Beryl Caskin. “Training and rehabilitation are what we need here. We’ll get our people into the wild to hone these animals’ survival instincts by demonstrating to them the behaviours that they will need to survive. For example, we could teach tigers how to stalk their prey or giraffes to whack would-be predators with their necks. A film crew can even follow us around, which will raise public awareness on wildlife conservation without the need for zoos.”
  3. “Any human intervention is too much human intervention,” says Gabriel Hopkins, the head of the Special Protection of Animals Movement. “Besides, the government should be focusing on highly endangered animals such as the Random Chaosian horny toad. Can you believe there’s only twenty of them left? We can’t risk their extinction. It would be nice if we instead left endangered animal species alone in their own protected reserves, away from other animals, with a never-ending supply of food.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most citizens in Random Chaos are abject pyrophobes after extremely graphic pamphlets were mailed nationwide by the government.

2022-01-05 03:00

Where There’s Smoke

Random Chaos’s fire protection department has long been criticised for being slow, inefficient, and underfunded. A number of ideas have been proposed on how to deal with the problem.

  1. “See here, buddy,” says Georgina Springsteen, putting a friendly arm around your shoulder. “Your country needs fire protection, but you don’t want to pay for it yourself. What do you say me and some of the boys here open up a few fire stations of our own and let the custome- citizens pay US instead of YOU paying THEM. It’s not like we won’t put out the fires if they don’t have anything on them, we’ll just bill them and their children and their children’s children until we get all our money.”
  2. “Woah, woah, woah!” says liberal activist, Lee Bronte. “I don’t want my rescuers to be putting less effort into their jobs because I don’t have a credit card or live in a slum. Do you know when you’re at your worst, financially? WHEN YOUR HOUSE JUST BURNT DOWN. This is a victimisation of the poor! The government should be in charge of the emergency services and they should treat everyone equally. It’s only fair.”
  3. “Not only that, but we need to prevent fires from happening in the first place,” says Rosalia Haskell, your Minister of Safety, carefully turning off the wall sockets in your office. “And if that means sending free smoke alarms, fire extinguishers, and informative pamphlets to every household in Random Chaos so be it! Damn the expenses, Leader, lives are at stake!”
  4. “I think that sounds kinda... socialist,” says Agnes Ono with a disgusted grimace. “The government should keep out of this if you ask me. The only reason fires happen is because people are stupid and they know a fire engine will come racing down the street to save them. Take away that safety blanket and I think you’ll find they wise up quite quickly! We don’t need any tax-consuming fire service! If idiots and their families go up in flames they’ll have no one to blame but themselves.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the streets are increasingly clogged with poverty-stricken beggars.

2022-01-04 21:00

Social Inequality Reaching Embarrassing Levels

Commentators have warned that Random Chaos’s social inequalities threaten to make it an international pariah.

  1. “Look, I don’t like it either,” says Chamber of Commerce spokesperson Birgitta Mulcair. “Just on the way here, I had to step over three homeless people, and one of my shoes got caught on a beggar. But inequality is the price we pay for economic strength. If anything, we need fewer taxes, so those of us who are well-off can afford to be more generous. If we want to, that is.”
  2. “I think we’ve forgotten what economic strength is all about,” says social worker Grogu Tan. “The economy is meant to be a means to a high standard of living, not an end in itself. It’s become an excuse for the rich to prosper while the poor fall through the cracks. Not everyone is poor because they don’t feel like working. We must provide more welfare.”
  3. “Who says we’re an international pariah?” demands military honcho Lucy Cesternino. “What are their names? If that’s the way the international community feels, we obviously need to prepare for war.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, skateparks can be found in every city.

2022-01-04 15:00

Ban the ‘Boards, Say Pedestrians

The conservative Northern-based parents group of “Housewives and Convicts for a Safer Random Chaos” has put forward a memorandum to ban skateboarding in public.

  1. “Skateboarding is a menace to pedestrians and road users,” says activist Nosipho Mumford. “Not to mention the astronomical number of skateboarding-related injuries - hundreds of children flood the emergency rooms of Random Chaos as a result of skateboarding every year, which is costly to the taxpayers. Keep our streets safe and save a little cash at the same time. Hell, you could make even more money by ticketing those who violate this law.”
  2. “Ticketing children for getting out of the house and exercising?” asks Wally Tarkin, a school teacher, in disbelief. “That’s outrageous! It’s true that skateboarding can be dangerous but so is walking down the stairs! You want to ban that too?! What we should do is pass laws requiring safety equipment for skaters - if we allocate a little bit of the tax payers’ money to the cause, we can build a skate park that will keep our children safe and away from others on the road too.”
  3. “Yo, dude, I’ve got a better idea,” says Charlemagne Chandra while executing a complicated 360° spin over your head. “What if skateboarding was the only way to get around? Wouldn’t that be cool? Skateboarding is cheap, healthy, and fun! Everyone should do it! You could improve, like, the quality of life for everyone by banning vehicles and making skateboarding the only legal way to travel. People’d love you for it, man. Well, apart from the guys who make cars and the like, I guess.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, X-Files ratings have hit an all-time low.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parties on cruise ships go off with a real bang.

2022-01-04 03:00

What Do We Do With a Drunken Sailor?

The Random Chaosian navy has always allowed shore leave when docked at ports in the tiny allied nation of Prudenlund. However, after a brawl involving two hundred rowdy Random Chaosian sailors in Prudenlund’s quiet city streets made international news, the admiralty has begun exploring ways to repair its image.

  1. “This... this is disgraceful!” states red-faced Rear Admiral Armstrong. “These sailors are acting like common hooligans! I say we round them up, court martial the ringleaders and forbid all shore leave for the foreseeable future. Our reputation is at stake here.”
  2. “It’s not shore leave that’s the problem here, it’s the devil’s nectar!” notes dour-faced Warrant Officer Gibson. “Let our sailors have their shore leave, but forbid them from drinking. We’ll just breathalyze them on their way back to the ship. As for any that fail... well, we can always break the old cat o’ nine tails out of the naval history museum.”
  3. “A drop of Merkel’s Blood never done us any harm!” chants Bosun’s Mate Stone, swaying slightly from side to side. “Getting hamm... er, drinking on shore leave is a sailor’s right from time immemorial! Those stuck up Prudenlundians wouldn’t know a good time if it smacked them round the head with a bottle! If they’re so opposed to our lot enjoying themselves - then our ships should just avoid their ports and maybe we should stop trading with them too. That’ll learn’em!”
  4. “Now... now wait here just a minute...” slurs a queasy cadet who appears to have gatecrashed the meeting. “I’ve been talking to my mates, right... and we don’t wanna be in the navy any more. We might have to kill people and that’s kind of a downer... but on the bright side, we throw the best parties! Say, that’s a thought - let’s get rid of the whole navy nonsense and open up our warships for party cruises!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, exorbitant spending on icebreakers breaks the ice at every budget meeting.

2022-01-03 21:00

The Path Less Traveled

While Random Chaos’s northern ports bustle with trade during the summer time, this flurry of activity freezes to a standstill at the onset of winter when thick sheets of ice form over the frigid waters. This seasonal impasse both severely limits economic productivity and makes resupply of the region difficult.

  1. “Leader, we have a brilliant opportunity!” excitedly cheers Rory Rhee, the mayor of one of the cities. “Imagine, our city, a front to the world in both summer and winter. All we need to do is develop and deploy a whole fleet of state-of-the-art icebreakers the likes of which the world has never seen before! I can just picture it now: hundreds of ships and thousands of tourists could finally bring millions of chips from across the globe to my port... err, Random Chaos.”
  2. “Why spend money on expensive icebreakers when good old-fashioned railroads can do the work year round?” questions infamous rail tycoon Cecil Vanderbilt, as his assistant places a model train on your desk. “Invest in my company and ease some health and safety standards, and my men can build and maintain the tracks for a pittance. Full steam ahead! Choo choo!”
  3. “Why don’t we just stockpile before winter?” asks Alejandro Yeats, an advocate of human hibernation. “We bring in everything we need in autumn and don’t worry about nothin’ in winter. You can help defray the cost of our survival by funding winter fuel allowances and cold weather food supplies for the poorest in the area.”
  4. “I have ze perfect solution,” announces crazed crackpot climatologist Efthamia Ephron. “Mein data shows zat ze ice is ziner each passing year due in part to global varming. Now, vhy don’t ve just hurry it up by pumping ze atmosphere full of more chlorofluorocarbon? All zis ice will go bye-bye in under a decade! How cool vould zat be? Vell, not cool, you know... zere’d be no ice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there is a 'turn around' sign at every border entrance.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2022-01-03 15:00

Patriotism Flagging

One afternoon, while taking a stroll through one of Random Chaos City’s more diverse neighborhoods, you notice that many houses are adorned by flags. However, they are all national flags of foreign countries, and not one house is flying the Random Chaosian flag.

  1. “Imagine the disrespect it must take to do something like this,” resents Lucina Wickremesinghe, your bodyguard, while pacing up and down the sidewalk. “We are being generous enough to allow these people into our country, and they can’t even show their support by flying our flag? Despicable. You must ban the flying of any foreign national flag, and mandate that every Random Chaosian graces their house with our great flag, the larger the better! This will show that their true allegiance is to our great Free Land.”
  2. One of the residents, whose house is flying a Bigtopian flag, steps outside and joins in. “Just because I have a different flag, it doesn’t mean I don’t love Random Chaos. Bigtopia will always have a special place in my heart; it’s where I was born and raised. Rather than cracking down on foreign flags, we need to celebrate them. You should hold a flag parade showcasing the many ethnic communities that make up Random Chaos; it’s diversity at its finest!”
  3. “I’m telling you, it’s those darn immigrants,” quips Sam Doolittle, your paranoid Minister of the Homeland, who’s twitching and itching his hands furiously. “Without those folks here, we’d be much better off. You must stop any new people from entering our great nation and kick out the ones already here. Then, we’d be pure at last.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mountains of VHS tapes of police actions are stacking up in the National Library.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, members of the government all have oddly similar anecdotes about their childhoods.

2022-01-03 03:30

Brown Breeches Thanks to Speeches

While attending a conference, you found yourself struggling to understand one of your ministers as he stuttered through his speech on the importance of public speaking for politicians. You later encountered him in a dark and slightly smelly side-corridor of the government halls, where he quietly informed you that he has glossophobia - a fear of giving speeches.

  1. “The correct response is obvious,” tuts Alexandra Cotchin, a highly renowned speech therapist. “All members of the government - yes, even you, Leader - should be forced to take classes on public speaking to improve their speech skills and help them confront their fears. I’m certain the taxpayers will appreciate the classes if it ensures that their favourite politicians can finally speak with confidence about all the important things in life, like the appallingly low wages of speech therapists!”
  2. “Now, there isn’t any need for wasting the government’s time like that,” boasts the eccentric CEO of SlangoTech, Duncan Khachaturian. “Our company has been working hard to build a new piece of technology that can alleviate all of your problems. In simple terms, it is a highly-advanced device that reads out speeches for the speaker, in their voice! All they need to do is stand there and make some nondescript mouth movements, and they’ll be absolutely fine. Now, about our payment plans...”
  3. “Get this rabble out of the government!” exclaims resident office haranguer, Kate Riker. “If someone cannot make a big, grand speech about their plans, then they absolutely cannot decide what is best for this nation. Show ‘em the door, and slam it as soon as they’re out - we won’t even be able to hear the buggers stammer their complaints.”
  4. “I-if I could get a word in here,” meekly whispers your glossophobic minister, visibly shaken by the prior outburst. “I d-don’t think that it’s a problem, at all. If anything, th-the quiet ones always come up with the best ideas, and maybe w-w-we can just hire someone else to say what we think. At least, I th-think so, I don’t know...” He then slithers down in his chair, disappearing from view.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many politicians carry out their morning ablutions in public restrooms.

2022-01-02 21:00

A Call for Change

Foreign tourists visiting your nation’s cities have frequently commented on the high number of vagrants, beggars and panhandlers, especially around the major attractions. Now that the world-renowned Fat Tyreman Travel Guide has felt the need to specifically write an article called “10 Ways to Dodge Beggars in Random Chaos City”, it’s probably time you addressed this national embarrassment.

  1. “Get gone, scum!” commands a police patrolman, displacing a camp of itinerants from a historic park. He turns to you. “Boss, we need more leeway in how we persuade vagrants to move on. I’m not talking about extreme measures here, just judiciously applied threats of arrest, the occasional tap from a truncheon, and maybe a water cannon or two.”
  2. “You think they want to beg?” complains homeless left-wing protest musician Billy Boast, as he tries to free himself from the policeman’s grip. “We, the poor, are being trodden down by the rich. All we want is our fair share! I’m not talking about a socialist revolution here, just a few million social housing units and enough money for the bare necessities of life!”
  3. “The problem isn’t begging in general, but specifically beggars ruining the ambience of culturally significant sites,” observes Sean Suparman, from the Tourism Board. “Instead, subsidise construction of fences and walls around tourist attractions, so that only those that have an appropriately pricey entry ticket can enter the tourist areas. I’m not talking about defensive moats here, just some screening partitions to keep the riff-raff out.”
  4. “Like that cartoon says: Hakuna Matata!” offers jovial beggar Tim Onn, with a little dance. “That means no worries, for the rest of your days! It’s not such a bad life out on the street, Leader; you should try it for yourself. The open air, the sunshine, the refreshing rain... aaaaahhh! I’m not talking about making yourself homeless, but... hmm... actually, that IS what I’m talking about! To give you the chance to experience the wonderful world of wandering free, me and my buddies will trade possessions with you and your colleagues. Give me your house, your bank account, your jacket, your boots, your motorcyc... Sorry, wrong film. Give us all your stuff, and give the vagrant’s life a try. Hakuna Matata!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government theft from poor artists to give to rich allies has been dubbed the "reverse Robin Hood" policy.

2022-01-02 15:00

Leader, Don’t Tear Down That Wall!

Plans to demolish a disused widget foundry in Random Chaos City have met unexpected controversy: work by Pranksy, the famous graffiti artist, has been discovered on its walls.

  1. “This looks to be a previously unknown work from his early ‘puke-green stick figures’ phase,” proclaims popular art-lover and broadcaster Melvyn Blogg. “The building must be preserved in its entirety so that those masterpieces can still be seen in their rightful context!”
  2. “Graffiti? Bah!” exclaims Mayor Siko Quinn. “This is just vandalism, and so-called ‘artists’ should be forced to clean it up. My cousin is in charge of the site, and I’ve given ourselves planning permission, so let’s go ahead with demolition. Economic progress can’t be held up by a few wall-doodles.”
  3. “Let’s compromise,” suggests Charles Sourcheese, a modern art collector. “Why not just remove the sections of the walls that bear Pranksy’s works into a suitable museum - such as, ahem, mine - and then let the rest of the old building be demolished? I’d appreciate that greatly, and you do know I’m one of your party’s most public supporters, don’t you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the suicide rate mysteriously skyrockets during census years.

2022-01-02 09:00

Random Chaos Taking Leave of Its Census?

When the latest National Census asked citizens to specify everything from their shoe size to the consistency of their stools, leading privacy activists and the casually paranoid started raging that the process has become too intrusive and that the anonymity of the respondents is at risk.

  1. “Enough, I say!” melodramatically rails Warren Brandeis, while angrily doodling crude images of the male anatomy in every tick box on the census form. “With this level of detail, any hope of anonymity and personal privacy will be but a distant whisper. Why should we trust the blasted establishment to know every single detail of our lives, let alone where we live? I have no intention of entrusting the government with my full demographic profile, and I implore anyone with a shred of decency and respect for the sanctity of the domestic sphere to opt-out of this Orwellian intrusion!”
  2. “Nonsense!” counters Tracy Hudson, policy wonk at the Random Chaosian Bureau of Statistics, dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s of an essay question. “Without accurate and meticulously detailed census data we’ll be completely lost! How can we make informed decisions when there’s no information? How will we know what areas of the country to target with our... welfare programs? No, we need to have greater authority to make sure everyone is filling out the census!”
  3. “Yee-haw, pardners,” strums country-music star Carrie Peters. “No need to bring out the big guns there fella, I’m sure these fine folks would be just gosh-durned happy to fill out all of your ticky boxes, if you get them in the right mood. Let me and my friends churn out some songs advertising the glories of checking boxes, and you’ll have them lining up to submit all the data you want in no time! To make sure they really, really get the message, you should make all them medias play our hearty honky tonk exclusively during census-time! Now ain’t that a peach?”
  4. “Let’s be reasonable here,” suggests Hammurabi Wayne, manager at ‘Surveys R Us’, while wielding a sharp pair of scissors. “Me and the gang can trim down and freshen up the census for you - a slice here, a dice there - and make it into something so feel-good and inoffensive that nobody will object to answering it. Granted, the results will have to be a bit more, eh, let’s say ‘aggregated’, but I’m sure the boys at the Bureau will manage to make somewhat informed and semi-relevant estimates nonetheless.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young children are regularly seen wagering pocket money at blackjack tables.

2022-01-02 03:00

Child Casino Shock

Children as young as eight have been spotted gambling in some of Random Chaos’s seedier casinos.

  1. Social activist Sonequa Bourdain is outraged. “Gambling needs to be outlawed immediately. It’s no wonder children are becoming sucked into the vice, with adults setting such a poor example. Gambling is a stain on Random Chaos’s international reputation and it must be stopped!”
  2. However, Crown Casino chairperson Ayla Hansen says, “What’s wrong with children gambling? It prepares them for the realities of life, teaching them that success or failure is not due to hard work or intelligence, but the roll of the dice. Besides, if kids weren’t gambling, they’d be spray painting trains.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, allergy-sufferers must wear gas masks before venturing outdoors.

2022-01-01 21:00

The Call of Nature

Random Chaos has become the laughing stock of the world after The Smalltopian Sentinel published an article on the public urination problem in Random Chaos City. This article cited the Smalltopian ambassador, who complained about the sordid stench outside the embassy building. Distraught at the international humiliation, your aides have come to you with a shower of suggestions.

  1. “They’re calling us the latrine of The Hatrackia!” yells Birgitta Howard, your Minister of Foreign Affairs, holding a violet-scented wet wipe to her nose. “The worst thing is that those despicable Smalltopian tabloids aren’t even wrong: our people are marking their territory on every building wall, and there’s a golden river running alongside every city street. We need to institute punitive fines to deter public urination before our good reputation gets flushed down the toilet!”
  2. “Aren’t we... hic... aren’t we being a little... too uh... harsh here?” slurs Yuri Nator, a perpetually drunk civil servant, as he desperately searches for a potted plant or empty bottle. “I mean, if I am taking a walk with my buddies after a guys’ night out and my beer wants to... get out of my body, who can stop me from... shaking hands with an old friend? Besides, I betcha holding it in must be bad for your urine bladder or something. We should be allowed to let it all go whenever and wherever we want!” A look of relief crosses his face, as your office carpet gains a wet patch.
  3. “Hmm, I sniff a golden opportunity here!” exclaims Lizbeth Ardenne, your Minister of Aerosol Solutions and a part-time perfume producer. “It seems people are mainly disturbed by the all-pervasive smell of urine in Random Chaos City, but this could easily be remedied if we deodorized our streets! All we need to do is to install spray tanks filled with my signature fragrance Elizabeth No.5 on all garbage trucks, and they could just besprinkle the whole city with it while driving around in Random Chaos City. I assure you, our sweet-scented city will be the envy of The Hatrackia!”
  4. “This damn situation stinks to hell,” growls General Sam L. Jackson, slamming a knife point-first into a world map on your desk, skewering Smalltopia. “We can’t allow ourselves to be insulted by a goddamn pipsqueak nation like Smalltopia. I suggest we gather up the run-off from our city streets, and have our bombers dump the effluent over Smalltopia’s cities. And we shall rain down upon them with great vengeance and furious anger...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tax rises are attributed to divine will.

2022-01-01 15:00

The Apotheosis of Leader?

A period of unprecedented peace and prosperity in Random Chaos has seen your personal approval rate sky-rocket. Recently, a small but growing movement has emerged claiming that these general good times are the result of your divine favour, and are advocating that the people worship you as a god.

  1. “All hail the glorious Leader, giver of safety and wealth!” shouts Salvatore Cruz, the Prefect of the Cult of Divine Nationalism from atop a wooden crate in Random Chaos City Grand Plaza. “Are not the might and benevolence of the holy Leader manifest for all to see? Should we not respond in humble worship? Proclaim your divinity before all, O Great One, and your people shall listen!”
  2. “This is heresy!” pontificates Khethiwe Kimmel, a high-ranking clergywoman of a major religion, while proffering a collection plate. “Surely you can’t seriously be entertaining delusions of divinity? You would undoubtedly bring divine wrath upon us! I urge you, speak out against these wayward souls and endorse the teachings of our holy writ as the true path to righteousness. Only then can we be assured of continued providence.”
  3. “Let’s not be too hasty now, there may be an opportunity in this,” muses Elena Roberts, one of your shrewdest political advisors. “Of course you’re not divine, we both know that, but is there really any harm in letting these whack-jobs think you are? Nothing begets obedience like the command of one’s god, after all. Perhaps a carefully constructed public statement is in order, one that gives legitimacy to these people’s beliefs while avoiding claiming divinity outright. Let people read into it what they want, and if they flock to this ‘religion’ in droves, well, would it really be so terrible if a large percentage of Random Chaosians became your devoted disciples?”
  4. “Bah! Ridiculous gobbledygook, all of it!” says Johann Zoidberg, controversial atheist author of the book ‘Atoms in Space and Relations Between Them - An Exhaustive Account of Existence’. “These cultists are no crazier than any other religious types, and have done far less damage than some I might mention. Take this opportunity to disavow all religion as superstitious nonsense, and throw your support behind reason instead. It’s the perfect opportunity to end the tax breaks for people with imaginary friends, and funnel that additional money into the areas it can do some real good, like authors of popular science books!”
  5. “All hail our glorious Leader... or face eternal punishment!” shouts a wide-eyed bearded man in sack cloth waving a greasy tract. “Pay no heed to these sectarians, my liege, they have departed from the way of truth! Only we, of the Cult of Nationalist Divinity, have remained faithful in the face of their slanderous impiety. We know you to be an uncompromising and demanding god, intolerant of all false doctrine. We stand ready to convert the masses to your worship, by lethal force if necessary! Starting, of course, with the insufferable heretics of the Cult of Divine Nationalism!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, crime is on the rise as DNA sampling has been all but outlawed.

2022-01-01 09:00

Police Wanting Help With Their Inquiries

After delayed DNA evidence put a notorious rapist behind bars the police have demanded that it be mandatory for those accused of a crime to surrender blood and tissue samples to aid the elimination process.

  1. “I’m surprised this hasn’t been brought up sooner,” says Chief Constable Jacob Ford. “If we have DNA samples of all the accused it will make solving crimes like rape and murder that much faster! Sure, some people will think it’s a tad invasive, but in my experience if you’re worried by something like giving up a few drops of the red stuff then you’ve probably got something to hide.”
  2. “This is a breach of privacy in every meaning of the word!” criminal defence attorney Miranda McBoatface exclaims. “Or three words, but this is an outrage! It’s these peoples’ bodies, not the government’s nor the police’s. If they want to give a DNA sample it should be THEIR decision! Now I’ll admit there have been times when DNA sampling has helped solve a case or two but shouldn’t we be upholding the inherent right of every man and woman to have their body remain unmolested unless they should so choose it? Undoubtedly! DNA sampling should only take place with the person’s informed consent.”
  3. “What about the victims of these crimes?” asks DI Thupten Solo, ever gruff and stalwart in the face of adversity. “Do they not have rights? Their right to privacy’s been violated so it ought to be the responsibility of the criminal to give up his own. What I propose is the collection of DNA samples from every citizen in Random Chaos so we can track down the culprit if none of our suspects come up with anything. It’ll be expensive, sure, there’s 3.339 billion people to go through... but it’s just a small blood sample. Don’t you think it’s worth it?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation has opened its arms to an influx of refugees.

2022-01-01 03:00

Refugees Want to Call Random Chaos Home

After several bloody conflicts in nearby regions, a stream of asylum-seekers and refugees has been spotted heading for Random Chaos’s shores.

  1. “Some of these people have endured terrible hardships to reach our borders,” says International Red Cross spokesperson Kathryn Carter. “We must welcome these unfortunates with open arms. Let the world see that Random Chaos does not turn its back on those in need!”
  2. “These grasping freeloaders will swamp our culture and traditions!” argues talk-radio host Othello Howell. “First they want welfare, next thing you know they’re taking our jobs — and you know they won’t bother to learn our language. I say charity begins at home — and this isn’t their home. This is the world’s problem, not ours.”
  3. Economics Professor Vanna Perry offers an alternative. “There is no question that we have to help those who reach out to us in their darkest hour. But on the other hand, we cannot help everybody. So let’s just take the ones who are willing to keep our streets clean and our drains flowing in return for a subsistence wage.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, genetic researchers have been expelled.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader has been known to make speeches in fishing waders.

2021-12-31 15:00

Hobby Lobby

A recent poll has suggested that many ordinary people don’t consider national leader Leader to be very ‘relatable’. Your advisers are perplexed as to the reasons why, and have suggested that taking up a hobby might boost your ratings, as well as tell the people what sort of person you are.

  1. “Everybody in The Hatrackia loves basketball,” exaggerates famed athlete Kim Stark, dribbling on your carpet. “Catch! Pass it here! Look at that: Nothing but net.”
  2. Dance instructor Tadek Brown waltzes into your office. He takes your hand and begins a foxtrot. “Isn’t this invigorating? Come, let me teach you to pirouette around delicate situations you may encounter.”
  3. “Crikey!” nature documentarian Wendy Hawke exclaims, creeping into your office. “What we’ve got ‘ere is a politician in its natural ‘abitat. If only it would get outside and let its wild side out, it wouldn’t have near so many national crises to deal with.”
  4. Your nephew appears and rolls a set of dice on your desk. “According to my manual of Castles & Kobolds, I just rolled a 20 on my Charisma-check for you to game with me. Come on, we need a healer: got a fizzy Eckie-Cola here with your name on it.”
  5. Flat-cap wearing Heritage Locomotive Enthusiast Barry Organa snorts in laughter at the geekiness on display. “You’ll be wantin’ a proper hobby: model engines, to show yer love of craftsmanship, and of steel, steam and smoke.”
  6. “Just tell them your hobbies are reading, and walking, and socialising,” suggests CV-writer Hugo vanStraaten. “That way nobody can judge you or form conclusions about you.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, radio stations are forbidden to play anything with too much drum or bass.

2021-12-31 09:00

Turn Down That Racket, Say Morality Police

A group of concerned parishioners and soccer moms has petitioned the government of Random Chaos to outlaw heavy metal music, which they fear is a bad influence on youngsters.

  1. “Heavy metal music is a plague in our good nation and its God-fearing people!” argues local priest and easy listening advocate Elizabeth Bacon. “Just the other day, I heard a song by some group called Hell’s Irate Puppies with a sinful quantity of bass and drum... oh, and there were probably some lines about killing parents, too, I’d imagine! It’s vital that we ban this music, and remove this terrible influence from our children’s lives! Think of the children!”
  2. “Whoa, man... what’s with the, like, censorship and stuff?” asks Joseph Giono, scruffy-haired bassist of the popular speed metal band The Destroyinators. “You can’t, like, censor the music, man. That’s how we express ourselves! Every bass beat is me baring my soul! Every howl is me complainin’ about how my parents tried to kick me out of their basement! Besides, what’s wrong with Satan? He’s just misunderstood anyway. I say promote the arts, man!”
  3. “You know, this heavy metal issue has me thinking,” says Gregory, your brother, over your weekly game of cribbage. “If these long-haired freaks want to put out their devil-worshipping metal, why don’t we let them? Of course, we’ll put a little subliminal propaganda into every song... after all, don’t these guys owe their freedom of expression to you?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Patriotic.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, businesses are scrambling to adapt to the government's mandate that 'time and measurement no longer exist'.

2021-12-31 03:00

Sizing Up the Competition

After a recent conversion mistake cost a government research project millions in chips, Random Chaos’s scientists have come to you begging for the country to switch to the metric system.

  1. “Our measurement system is a complete disaster!” wails renowned engineer Mary Grimes, brandishing the odd-looking result of a recent project. “We’re stuck using primitive and illogical measurements like ‘fingers’ or ‘donkeypower’ or ‘MegaFonzie’. It’s too much! Practically every other nation in The Hatrackia has converted to the metric system. Think of how much it would help our international communication! It’ll cost a few chips to convert, but it’ll be damn cheaper than the mistakes our system is causing!”
  2. “Primitive? How dare that geek say such a thing!” spits infamous patriot Sonam Murphy. “They’re not just measurements; they’re part of our cultural heritage! Where would we be without our attoparsecs, hogsheads, or shakes of a gambler’s tail? Should we throw away our national identity just because a few scientists are too lazy to do their jobs correctly? Give the taxpayers a break and ignore these eggheads! We should embrace our cultural uniqueness, not erase it!”
  3. “This. This is a crossroads,” notes avant garde artist Kurt Tavener. “This idea that we can standardize how people look at the world with words... it’s prehistoric. Everything’s beautiful, man. We need to stop trying to control the world and just... live. Imagine how happy our nation would be with no measurements. No measurements at all.” He pauses to gaze at nothing in particular, as far as you can tell. “Think about it. No time like the present, Leader. No time.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, orthopaedics patients often have a bounce in their step.

2021-12-30 21:00

Ups and Downs

Trampoline parks are springing up all over Random Chaos, with legions of playful children of all ages leaping off raised platforms and bouncing off mats. Perhaps predictably, large numbers of injuries are occurring with a multitude of sprained ankles, a not insignificant number of broken limbs, and even a bizarre incident where two amorous braces-wearing teenagers became entangled and required urgent medical intervention.

  1. “One person per trampoline, no talking while jumping, land only on your feet, do not jump between trampolines, wall trampolines are for decorative purposes only, and the company is not liable for any injuries,” recites Achenar Fowler, CEO of Twist-and-Scream Jump Park. “That’s what it says in our three minute mandatory induction video, and on the waivers that we make all customers sign, and on the big signs above the steel-spiked climbing wall. We don’t need a nanny state telling people what they can and can’t do, and if people hurt themselves then it’s due to their own carelessness. Trampolining is actually great exercise for kids. In fact, you should subsidise schools who want to incorporate our play parks into their school PE lessons. It’ll be fun and educational! Er... funducational!”
  2. “Nobody is trying to stop kids having fun,” snaps sour-faced parent Debra McCartney, pinning her four-year-old son’s arms down to stop him touching a nearby balloon. “There just ought to be more stringent regulations of these businesses, and no legal weight to waiving responsibility for children under their care with a disclaimer. Fine them for each injury that occurs under their watch, and our children will be safer.”
  3. “Actually, stopping kids having fun sounds like quite a good idea,” observes algebra teacher Newt Onslaugh, decorating a pile of x hundred-question mathematics test papers with a total of (sin2(x) + cos2(x))(e2ln10)x red crosses. “Maybe if the government banned trampoline parks and replaced them with mathematics activity centres then these idiot children might be able to raise their academic achievement levels a little.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, stony-faced prosecutors play loud gangster rap music during court proceedings.

2021-12-30 15:00

Rap Sheet

Notorious gangster-rapper Wally E was recently taken to court for the suspected murder of a policeman, but was found innocent due to lack of evidence. This surprised many, as one of his more popular raps (“I Killed A Cop And I Liked It”) contained a complete confession for the shooting within its lyrics.

  1. “How could we let this happen? I tell you, rap music is just sick minds preaching to a sick audience,” spits right-wing demagogue Faith Caldwell, free-styling on stage with a microphone in front of a cheering crowd. “There has to be something wrong with you to enjoy its message of anarchistic hate. We’re talking about a recorded confession, flaunted in public. Rappers should be held to account for their hateful words, and their filth music should be admissible as court evidence.” With that, she drops the mic, and strides off to rapturous applause.
  2. “Woah woah woah, I mean... just cos I got, you know, artistic words shouldn’t mean you haters should hate me,” argues Wally E, reading from a prepared statement. “I mean, like, don’t hate freedom of artistic expression, or something? I don’t mean everything in my songs literally. We should be free, to like, artistically express. We are artists. Expressing ourselves. So don’t hate on me. Yeah.”
  3. “The problem here is that rap music is terrible trash, enjoyed only by the musical illiterati,” observes classical guitarist Kima Ho, strumming out a complex flamenco ligado. “Shouldn’t we pursue a bare minimum of artistic standards in our cultural output? Perhaps the government should create an official Music Standards Bureau to regulate what sort of material gets airplay and exposure. Frankly, we need a better class of music.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ten thousand Random Chaosian soldiers recently invaded a nation occupied by two senior citizens and a dachshund.

2021-12-30 09:00

The Prodigal States

Yesterday, one of the areas that recently seceded from Random Chaos was forced to declare itself utterly bankrupt after having spent their entire budget on a gilded statue of their founder. Today, representatives from these new “states” have started reaching out to you to consider the possibility of reconnecting with the Free Land.

  1. “Oh Violet, it’s all gone terribly wrong,” bemoans ‘King’ Lee Ephron, ruler of the Glorious Eastern United Gambler Empire (population 12). “I thought it’d be awesome having my own kingdom and everything, but it’s actually really hard work! We’ve got no industry since Dave broke our woodcutting axe and even worse, every damn day I get bugged by idiots who want me to make decisions on everything from foreign policy to whether we should resize our football pitch... can’t they sort this out themselves? Please just take us back, OK?”
  2. “One little setback and you go running home to mummy,” sneers President-for-life Chloe MacIntyre of the Democratic People’s Republic of Random Chaos City Boulevard nr. 10 (population 24), as she signs a series of executive orders. “Those weaklings over in the People’s Democratic Republic of Gambler Hills were never going to last anyway. If you really want to help all of us, then make sure we can stand on our own two feet! I think what we need here is for you to provide a forum to promote more diplomatic links, trade and military cooperation with us smaller nations. It’d help you out, and we’d love to have real toilet paper again.”
  3. “I told you at the time this was a stupid idea,” sighs Loki Simpson, Minister for International Affairs. “These idiots are too busy fighting each other or playing at king to even begin thinking about basic infrastructure, let alone functioning toilets. Seriously, you could spit across most of these places. Nonetheless, our agents report some of them are raising armies literally dozens strong. Enough is enough, Leader: let’s welcome back the ones who have seen the error of their ways, bring out the fatted calf and all that, and send in some of our bad hombres to forcefully annex the rest of them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians fear the otherworldly wrath of poorly made cheese.

2021-12-30 03:00

The Fault Is in Our Stars

Your Astrological Advisor has yet again called for an immediate halt to all governmental activities. When questioned, she insisted that it must be done as the skies have been clouded over for several days, thus making astral readings too inaccurate for any important decisions to be made. Flanked by a colorful variety of different personalities and opinions, she has stridden into your office to warn you of great danger.

  1. “It is an omen of the oncoming storm!” cries your Astrological Advisor, tightly clutching her copy of the Random Chaosian Horoscope and a mysterious blue book. “For years the stars have blessed us with their favor, but now that they are gone we can only assume that they have abandoned us! Leader, for the sake of Random Chaos, the government should do as little as possible during these uncertain and dangerous times. You never know what those Gemini folks could be planning!”
  2. “The government’s actions shouldn’t be dictated by such crackpot nonsense!” blusters Francine Mason, a renowned atheist and Gemini. “As a nation, we must strive to put aside our archaic astrological beliefs and instead focus on a logic-based approach. Only through this can we function properly as a political institution. If this means getting rid of all these so-called star prophets, so be it. Besides, they’re just big spheres of exploding gas!”
  3. “The problem is not in the stars,” laments astronomer Larry Smith, a Capricorn who is feeling somewhat under the weather this week. “Instead, it lies with our tools. We lack the powerful telescopes needed to see through this cloud cover. With a small contribution from the public, we can build a gigantic telescope that will give us pictures of the constellations no matter what the weather may be!”
  4. “Stars, huh, what are they good for?” says self-proclaimed ‘Alternative Diviner’ Edwin Worr, while tossing a handful of asparagus stalks in the air. “We can’t just shut down the government every time a cloud is in the sky. This sort of thing will keep happening again and again and again. If you hire me, I will use more reliable methods such as asparamancy and tyromancy. That way, when I’m done divining, you’ll have delicious asparagus and cheese to eat afterward for no cost at all.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all mothers are allowed six months fully-paid maternity leave.

2021-12-29 21:00

Maternity Leave a Must, Say Mothers

A coalition of expectant mothers (Mothers 4 Justice) has banded together to demand legislation allowing for six months of fully paid maternity leave.

  1. “Six months?! Six WHOLE months?!” blusters Ronald Nygma, a payroll manager. “Six whole months of being fully paid by our company for doing nothing but looking after a baby?! This will sink the small businesses and lose us an obscene amount of revenue! We cannot allow this to pass!”
  2. “I believe that passing this law will be a step in the right direction,” says Aldous Uhura, the nation’s most outspoken feminist advocate. “These kids need their mothers’ love and attention during this important stage of their development! I don’t see why mums should be forced to juggle with the stress of bringing up children and having a job! It’s simply too much! Six months maternity leave with full pay is what this country needs - even if it is at the expense of a few avaricious fat cats.”
  3. “Look, I’ve got an idea,” says Dorothy Clinton, an obsessive centrist. “Perhaps we can allow for six months of paid maternity leave, but have the government pay the companies for lost revenue? That way the mothers can bring up their children without financial worries, companies won’t lose investors, and everyone will be happy. Apart from the taxpayers, of course, but you can’t please everyone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wanting a better life for your child is prohibited by a clause in the criminal code.

2021-12-29 15:00

The Great Divide

Due to a mix-up at the border, a number of immigrants have been sent backward, downward, upward and sideways to various detention centres across Random Chaos. In the midst of the confusion, several thousand children have been separated from their parents.

  1. “Look, these migrants have clearly violated the law! Clearly!” says your Head of Immigration Paris Sosa, as she closely inspects the stamps on your passport. “Not only did they cross the border illegally, but then they have the gall to ask for citizenship. Sure, the children may not enjoy being separated from their parents, but that’s what they get for breaking the law! If it was national policy for illegal immigrants to be treated as the criminals they are, to have their kids taken away, far fewer of them would come to our country. Guaranteed.” She runs out of your office to pursue a worker with a Marche Noirian accent.
  2. “Seriously?” gasps Yasmin Breitbart, who just got out of her latest therapy session with her eight-year-old child. “Look at my little Clint. He was separated from me at the Random Chaosian border, taken away the moment I asked for asylum. He spent so many months in that state facility that he can hardly talk in Bigtopian, and he keeps trying to arrest the other young children in the playground! You must end this cruel immigration policy immediately. Your country needs more migrant workers, Leader, and my boy needs his mother. A child should never be separated from their parent!”
  3. “The whole immigration system is a joke!” says the proudly neutral lobbyist Neutron Neutralson, who changed his name from Damien-Sean Coleman to prove a point. “Separating children from parents? Treating families like hardened criminals? Deporting migrants back to the wrong country? Here’s what we do: hire more staff and do more checks for undocumented migrants at the border. Just ask questions every Random Chaosian can answer and get proof of residency. If they are here illegally, send them straight back as a family. It’s not hard to balance compassion with efficacy, for crying out loud!” He sighs exasperatedly as your Head of Human Services sits in the corner, literally crying out loud.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only clowns with PhDs from clown college can advise Leader on Random Chaos's coulrophobia epidemic.

2021-12-29 09:00

The Issue With Issues

After an influx of poorly thought out, redundant, and otherwise trivial issues have been shoved across your desk, concern has been raised as to whether the government should start better regulating the issues you receive.

  1. “There must be an issue crack down!” bellows Milhouse Sulu, your personal secretary, while removing gum off his shoe. “If we don’t do something, pretty soon we’ll be getting issues that could have just as easily been dealt with by the flip of a coin!” He pauses to discreetly move an old picture of your niece and her pet from your direct line of sight. “Let your staff take care of the frivolity so you can focus on the big stuff. In fact, if a government official passes on an issue that’s too trivial to you, fire them on the spot!”
  2. You suddenly hear a shattering noise and find Sonequa Caldwell, your Advisor Of Trivial Matters, has broken through your office window. “Sorry about that, your office door was being fixed,” she apologizes. “Anyway, an issues crackdown? Ha! Your window’s a trivial issue, yet you’ll probably be enlisting all of Random Chaos’s government to replace it! I say, anyone who wants should be able to bring an issue directly to your attention! Then the people will feel like the government is a helpful organization working for them, not something big to fear! If that doesn’t work, I’ll even help fix your window!”
  3. “There’s no need to go to either extreme,” ponders Ayla Ho, an intern and amateur vuvuzela-player who was just practicing Random Chaos’s national anthem outside your window. “I have a creative solution: we should create a rigorous, 34-tier color-coded system to evaluate how Leader-worthy an issue is and you can work through the issue queue accordingly. The people with most urgent and important issue will get a faster response. Everybody wins!”
  4. “It’s not the issues that you’ve got to watch out for, but the sorts of people that are giving you solutions,” volunteers the bee suit clad Dr. Bees, walking hand-and-hand into your office with the Bird Lady. “I can’t help but notice that some of the people who are giving you advice are a bit... odd. You just need to make sure that you’re properly vetting all your advisors, then the actual decisions making process will be a snap, no matter how trivial or important an issue is.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, shell-shocked refugees are made to provide Immigration with lively renditions of 'Dancing Queen'.

2021-12-29 03:00

Gay Abandoned

Today, reports reached Random Chaos that Ned Harper, a refugee that previously applied for asylum on the basis that his sexuality is a capital crime in his home country — only to be sent home when his application was rejected — has subsequently been executed by his own government.

  1. “This is an absolute disgrace!” splutters LGBT activist Sun O'Leary, draping a giant rainbow version of the national flag around your shoulders. “That poor man lost his life because this cruel government refused him sanctuary! What kind of nation will not give people refuge from cruel and despotic regimes? Allow automatic asylum on the basis of persecution for sexual orientation!”
  2. “How was I meant to know he was telling the truth?” exclaims the immigration official who refused the man’s entry, distractedly adjusting the green carnation in his lapel. “He could have been lying just so he could get into the country to take advantage of our generosity! How about we ask supposedly gay migrants to prove their sexuality? We could ask them questions that only a gay person would know, and only let people who pass into the country.”
  3. “You know, this raises the broader issue of immigration,” announces your Finance Minister, dispensing financial projections with a little flourish. “We have an ageing population, so why worry about whether ‘x’ is cause for asylum but ‘y’ isn’t? All suffering is equal, especially that of the public coffers. How about we loosen the immigration rules, rubber-stamping asylum applications from all people who arrive able and willing to live and work here?”
  4. “That this man died is unfortunate, of course,” drawls the famously understated author of Do Stop Being Silly, an analysis of brutal tyrants throughout the ages. “But we have a moral duty to care for our citizens, not every citizen of every country — no matter how unpleasant those countries may be. In fact, we ought to tighten the rules, so that only people with truly valuable skills can immigrate here.”
  5. “Why are we letting filthy gay people in in the first place?” asks the furious far-right author of anti-LGBT treatise Dressed to Repress Beverly Vader, who is hiding from your other visitors inside a closet. “We all know these people are disordered and disposed to vice. His country has the right idea: protecting their people. If nations want to punish their citizens in accordance with their law, we should send them back immediately. Then we can clean up our act at home, with mandatory conversion therapy for all people with same-sex attraction. It is a kindness: no-one can be happy being who they are when they’re different to other people. Mother was right — you just can’t.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a performance of the hit musical "Mamma Tua" has been delayed after squatters were found sleeping in the orchestra pit.

2021-12-28 21:00

You Can’t Always Get What You Squat

After a group of unemployed students were found living in a disused furniture factory in Random Chaos City, landowners and law enforcement have become concerned with rising squatting levels in abandoned buildings.

  1. “It’s time the government took action against squatting: it’s disgusting and it has to be stopped!” complains business mogul Taika Nahasapeemapetilon. “These degenerates are disrespecting the factory I built up through hard work, and they have no right to trespass on it as if it were their own! Never mind that half of my buildings are unoccupied and crumbling to the ground. We should be allowed to remove squatters using whatever force is necessary!”
  2. “What’s truly disgusting is how these corporate fat cats can be so unempathetic and cruel,” remarks social democrat Bartholomeus Thawne. “They’re hoarding abandoned old buildings waiting for the property market to improve so they can make a fortune selling them off to greedy developers for luxury apartment blocks - and all the while their fellow Random Chaosians are sleeping rough without a roof over their heads! We should enact a compulsory purchase on all buildings that are unoccupied for longer than six months, and turn them into affordable housing for the homeless so they won’t have to resort to squatting in some dirty old factory. I don’t need to tell you where we can get the money from.”
  3. “Maybe you’re looking for a solution in the wrong spot,” says a voice coming from your office closet. You open the door to discover Finlay Chekov, roasting a chunk of something indeterminate and meaty over a makeshift fire. “What’s so bad about squatting? I mean, most of the buildings we live in are abandoned or unoccupied anyway. There will always be homeless people, and the government needs to acknowledge this and give us the right to live off the land, even if it’s someone else’s. Now close the door, you’re letting in a draft.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, women tell their friends they've been on crash diets rather than admit they were pregnant and have had terminations.

2021-12-28 15:00

Dying for Two

A woman in southern Random Chaos has written a letter directly to you after being denied an abortion by her doctor, who feared contravening the laws that declare terminating pregnancies to be illegal. She is sixteen weeks pregnant with an anencephalic foetus — missing part of the skull and brain — who will live for a short time, and is herself rapidly sickening with complications related to lupus. Doctors have told her therapeutic abortion is her best chance for life, and would be offered in many countries, but not in Random Chaos.

  1. “Doctors often fear prescribing some treatments deemed most effective by global health organisations, in case it harms the foetus,” argues Dr. Michelle Rubio, not looking up as she works her way through a stack of paperwork. “If a woman is dying from a septic miscarriage, we fear intervening in case the foetus might still be alive, and are blocked from carrying out abortions even when it would save the mother’s life. Women’s health should not be second-class. Medical professionals should be exempt from sanction if foetal loss occurs as a result of our care, and should be allowed to carry out abortions where medically necessary. I’m not saying we should be proud of offering abortions, but we quietly and discretely do so when the need arises.”
  2. “And what about the senseless slaughter of innocent babies?” sniffs Dr. Walter Allen, who has eight children that he rarely sees. “There is no moral justification possible for the murder of a child. None, ever. Besides, pregnancy — even with lupus — is safer than it has ever been. It is possible that both may live. Train doctors to treat women conservatively, preventing any avoidable harm to their pre-born children. Remember that there’s two people here, and both deserve a chance to live.”
  3. “Some mothers are but phoenices,” muses Ms. Lotta Childe, the childless partner of the founder of moralist group As I Say. “Born to die, so that a new generation might arise from the ashes of their deaths. All birth is good, for life equals potential — ergo goodness. Rather than this ten-a-penny carrier’s bugaboo, consider her tragic infant. We squander so much money on medicalising a normal, simple process. Let us return to wholly natural gestation and birth; prenatal scans and checks only worry the breeding stock unnecessarily. If there are mishaps, remind mothers that only through sacrifice does our worthless existence mean something.”
  4. “The presence of pro-life legislation is critical to the moral health of this nation, but we cannot be entirely inflexible,” offers Bert Fraser, your Minister of Problematic Trolleys. “We should maintain our moral and legal stance in Random Chaos, but allow for one-off exceptions to be made to allow specific patients to travel overseas for an abortion. Due consideration should involve a panel of experts and ethicists, as this is not a decision to be undertaken lightly.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government's new 'Crime Can Fight Itself' policy appears to be backfiring rather badly.

2021-12-28 09:00

Immigrants Import Homeland Rivalries

After a series of bloody wars between the nations of Maxtopia and North Bigtopia, fights have broken out in the streets between immigrants in Random Chaos who came from the warring nations.

  1. “Foreigners are a major cause of civil disturbances,” begins Steffan Sullivan, whose opinions form the book ‘101 Arguments FOR Slavery’. “What we should do is make all immigrants, foreigners, and non-native Random Chaos folks slaves! I mean, who in Random Chaos wouldn’t like a minority slave group to do his bidding? Imagine! People could be bought and sold with your daily groceries!”
  2. “I am shocked and appalled at what my colleague is suggesting!” exclaims Attila Calder, President of the Civil Rights Union of Random Chaos. “Slavery? We should punish these offenders, yes, but send them to rehabilitation centres instead! As for the ethnic squabbles, programs in school should begin to stop these racist attitudes in childhood! All it will take is some slight fortification to the education budget!”
  3. A quiet old man stands up to speak. “Now, I may be a quiet old man, but I believe that these ethnic disputes are none of the government’s business. It’s not our war anyway, so it’s not our problem. I’m sure if you leave it alone, it’ll work itself out. Just think of the money that would be saved if the police didn’t have to be paid to deal with this!”
  4. “It’s not our war? It’s not our war?” cries (in)famous Random Chaos-born fascist Fanny Hill. “Well maybe it’s time it became our war! Random Chaos should take a more active, and by ‘active’ I mean ‘hostile’, role in international politics! This ethnic squabbling will be over when the war is over, and WE can end that war and purge the impure! Roll the dice!! Sieg Random Chaos!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Welfare Programs.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, even immigrants complain that immigrants keep taking their jobs.

2021-12-28 03:00

A Boatload of Trouble

The Coastguard reported that following stormy weather a trio of small ships capsized in the Gambler Strait. This resulted in the deaths of 78 illegal immigrants who were trying to enter Random Chaos under cover of darkness, including many children and two pregnant women.

  1. “It’s our moral responsibility to stop people drowning in our waters,” lectures Maritime Operations Officer Percy Moore, respectfully removing his cap. “You should deploy more coastguard vessels, linked to surveillance drones and a dedicated networked HQ. Give me an eye on every square metre of our seas, and no-one will drown again.”
  2. “Why don’t we just lay out a welcome mat while we’re at it?” complains Immigration Minister Virginia Svensson, closing the office door to keep a draught out. “The danger of the journey acts as a deterrent, and that keeps illegal immigration numbers down. If anything, we should be reducing the coastguard, and concentrating solely on protecting fishermen, beach-users and marina businesses. If the journey across the strait is even more dangerous, then even fewer illegals will attempt the journey.”
  3. “It’s because of our immigration laws that people are dying in the first place,” muses your Minister for Extracartonic Cognition. “Why don’t we provide a free ferry service to bring anyone who wants to come into the country? We’ll also need unrestricted immigration and generous compassionate welfare payments. I’m sure these unskilled immigrants will boost our economy. Eventually.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Jennifer Government is banned.

2021-12-27 21:00

Jennifer Government Censorship Row

A new book, Jennifer Government, by Max Barry, has been causing quite a stir in governmental offices across Random Chaos.

  1. “At first I liked the book,” says famous politician Emory Strange, “but then it clearly turned out to be just a mockery of our government! This is brainwashing our citizens into thinking that they’re being governed badly. I suggest we hang, draw and quarter the author of this book and take satires off the shelves!”
  2. “Don’t be silly,” says book reviewer Kellyanne Caesar, “it’s a great book and you don’t necessarily have to take the views inside seriously! If anything, there should be more satires. Maybe then we’ll get the right people in charge of this messed-up country!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the population's jaw muscles put sharks to shame.

2021-12-27 15:30

A Sticky Situation

While lounging on a curiously sticky bench in Random Chaos City, you begin to notice that almost every passer-by seems to be mysteriously stuck to the pavement. Upon closer inspection, you realise that the ground is covered in chewing gum, which has in turn caused the unfortunate - and admittedly amusing - predicament that the pedestrians have now found themselves in. You are soon approached by a colorful mob of people, the majority of which are barely able to lift their own legs.

  1. “Every time I go on a run, I always find at least one piece of gum on my shoe!” screeches Marjorie Suzuki, whilst furiously picking herself up off the ground. “I always end up stepping in the stuff, and it’s always a pain to get off. Gum is a health hazard, and it should be banned before anyone else finds themselves chewing the pavement! If somebody has a problem with that, then they can just find something else to gnaw on.”
  2. “Don’t listen to that gum-hating buffoon,” exclaims the CEO of Suborbit Gum, Minté Breff, while chewing loudly. “Banning gum will cause a tremendous uproar of unnecessary proportions! Gum can help people study and concentrate, all whilst they taste our selection of great flavours; something that the government would surely support and even subsidise! You can have my gum when you pry it out of my cold, dead mouth.”
  3. “Why not look for a different solution?” asks Sirrus Carpenter, as he helps his son clean gum from his shoes. “How about we place more trashcans? Place a few here and there, fine anyone that doesn’t put their gum into them, and I guarantee that this problem will go away. All of this gum will give these trashcans a fresh and much more bearable smell!” He abruptly turns towards his son, who has now wandered away. “Stop smelling the bins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, litter collection has replaced fast food as the most popular after-school job.

2021-12-27 09:30

Trash Talk

After massive trash heaps overflowed onto one of Random Chaos City’s busiest intersections, causing traffic to grind to a halt for ten hours, many have agreed that the nation’s litter problem is out of control. In response, representatives from the Society for the Prettying Up of Random Chaos have come to your office proposing a nationwide beautification campaign to pick it all up.

  1. “Our wonderful country is being buried by this refuse!” wails SPURC President Willow Targaryen. “It’s simply a disgrace! We need funding and able-bodied men and women to stage a monthly clean-up of our once-treasured land. We’d pick up litter, plant trees, touch up the paint on the old courthouse — we’d polish up the whole country! As an incentive, participants could receive a small stipend.”
  2. “It’s not enough to just clean it up,” asserts the CEO of Showers of Flowers. “We need a massive project to show The Hatrackia how proud of our country we truly are. With a whole lot of government funds, my company could build the Hanging Gardens of Random Chaos City. Picture it now: flowing vines down the walls, blooming daisies, baskets of chrysanthemums, thousands upon thousands of tourists. Think of the pride. Think of the money.”
  3. “Why are we wasting our time with this nonsense?” asks infamous miser Coraline Chan. “All this hullabaloo over a little trash. Here’s a news flash: there’s always going to be trash! A bunch of hippies prancing around on the government’s dime ain’t gonna change that! You should know better than to spend our tax chips on such frivolous endeavors. Why don’t you beautify our wallets instead and give us a tax break?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parents must decide between buying food and taking their children to the park.

2021-12-27 03:00

Parklife

Public parks all across Random Chaos are in shambles, with sports fields overgrown and playgrounds rusting themselves to pieces, all due to a lack of sufficient funding. While the upper-crust of Random Chaosian society have taken to funding and operating their own parks on private property, large segments of urban populations have been left recreationally disenfranchised. A plethora of interested parties are demanding that you take a swing at the problem.

  1. “This clearly shows that private enterprise is much better at running parks than your government,” boasts wealthy gut lord Malon Reid, parked in your chair with her feet on your table. “How about you put all of the public parks up for auction? Then they’ll finally be competently managed, complete with well-maintained grounds and top-tier facilities. It would provide the public with a sense of enormous well-being, for what the free market deems a fair price.”
  2. “But think of the disadvantaged children!” bemoans annoyingly noble single parent Sebastian Xavier. “If all parks are made private, those heinous entry fees would mean I couldn’t even afford to get in! It simply isn’t fair that so many youngsters can’t safely run around outside, so instead you must use government funds to restore our public recreational spaces. That way every child has an equal playing field, and then we’d be happy for the rest of our days, safe in the knowledge there will always be a bit of Random Chaos devoted to us.”
  3. “But that alone is not enough!” shouts Andy Eliot, your neighbourhood dustman and part-time socialist, while waving a ‘Parks for the Proletariat’ poster in your face. “Public space is scarce, and you cannot continue to allow the upper-class to eat from their gold-plated picnic tables in their gated gardens. Take the lands those posh parks inhabit, and make them free to enjoy for all the people. From the hands of the rich, to walking hand-in-hand. That is the proper parklife.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the lasting legacy of the current generation is a million years of buried radioactivity.

2021-12-26 21:00

What a Waste

Nuclear energy, the source of much of your growing nation’s electricity, has been generating radioactive waste as a by-product. As the shadows cast by the mounting piles of warning-emblazoned concrete casks grow ever longer, a concerned populace is looking to you for a more permanent solution.

  1. “There’s a boring and sensible approach,” suggests corduroy-clad grey-haired engineer Emmanuel Rubin, rolling out a blueprint in front of you and ignoring the yawns of those attending the presentation. “Deep geologic disposal. My team has determined several sites for the construction of an extremely deep shaft underground to dispose of the nuclear waste. It’s relatively inexpensive, we can mostly guarantee that the waste will never reach the surface, and it will be far safer than our current storage system. Exciting stuff, eh?”
  2. “Let me tell you a story,” says Stanley Leigh, the local representative of protest group Citizens Rejecting Atomic Power. “One day, some bad companies mix up this toxic cocktail that can poison people for thousands or millions of years. Then, they bury it, and think nothing more of it. Then, some kid in ten thousand years winds up a one-eyed mutant cyclops, and has no clue why. Turn off the reactors, buddy, and find a better way. Sure it’s hard, but people like us have to make hard decisions.”
  3. “Once again, Science has the answer!” proclaims physics professor Elaine Allen, striking her best heroic pose and pointing symbolically to the distant horizon. “Vitrification! Ion exchange! Synroc! We can separate out the components of the waste, burn off the long-lived stuff in fast reactors, reallocate the plutonium to weapons manufacture, and leave only short-lived waste that lasts merely hundreds of years. This will mean that we will not run out of fuel, and the environment will be spared from contamination. Increased industrial expenses? Yes. Necessary security costs and extensive safety regulations? Yes, sure, whatever. But, awesome Super Science? Triple yes, yes, yes!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, financial investors are noting a boom in artillery.

2021-12-26 15:00

Good Guy With a Gun

A gunman took to the mall and shot dead three people before a nearby coffee shop waitress dispatched him with five rounds from her automatic pistol. Unfortunately, as she stood over him gun in hand, a mall security guard thought she was the threat and took her out with his submachine gun. He in turn was shot by a libertarian who thought the state was finally coming to take his gun away. By the time the police arrived (and gunned down more would-be heroes who they had mistaken for terrorists), the death toll had reached fifty-seven.

  1. “Personally, I call that a win,” exalts Random Chaos City Rifle and Revolver Association representative François Spirit, firing a round into the air in celebration. “I mean, how many people would the initial gunman have killed if nobody had stopped him? More than fifty-seven, that’s for sure. More guns equals more safety. Maybe the government ought to recognise that by picking up half the cost of every gun purchased. Oh, and uh... thoughts and prayers to the families of the deceased and all that, yada yada.”
  2. “Hell, yeah!” agrees Sheriff Lana Bronte, spinning and holstering her sidearm, and accidentally discharging a round into the floorboards. “Though, y’know, maybe more gun discipline would help. People who use guns should be forced to attend training seminars run by responsible and well-paid local sheriffs. That’ll help them to learn target discrimination, gun safety and all that. And... uh... yes... what a tragedy... our hearts go out to the bereaved.”
  3. “Let’s face it, the problem here wasn’t the shooting — it was the powerful weapons being used,” asserts one of the victims, rubbing her injured derrière. “I mean, if the gal who shot me hadn’t been on full auto, she would never have accidentally zinged me. If we just restrict selective-fire weapons, magazine extensions, and barrel shrouds, that should do it. Wholesome guns don’t kill innocent people. Only assault weapons do that.”
  4. “Uh, we could try not letting people have these devices designed to murder and maim,” ventures a long-haired hippy, insensitively disrespecting the dead by launching into yet another tirade of typical freedom-hating, commie, anti-gun ranting. It’s possible she has more to say on this, but to be honest, no-one’s listening.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cities in Random Chaos declare independence based on interpretation of the historic meaning of cave paintings.

2021-12-26 10:00

The Body Politic

Ubalin, a small city in southwestern Random Chaos, was formerly a monarchical city-state before being annexed in the early history of Random Chaos. DNA testing on the remains of the last king of Ubalin, King Oswyn V, traced his lineage to a local man in a poor district of Random Chaos City.

  1. “Momma! Momma! Git the whiskey! No! The gud kind!” shouts Percy Doolittle, the newly-found heir to the House of Ood. “Well, it’s about time that my royal ‘eritarge is recugnized! I declare myself the absolute ruler of Ubalin as Yer Majesty King Rex! I will be the most high and most excellent king Ubalin has ever had! And as my first act as King, I declare Ubalin’s independence from Random Chaos; the Ubalinders will be free and independent again under my rule.” He then turns to your young secretary. “And darling, if you want to be a Queen, just hit me up.”
  2. “Liberté, égalité, fraternité!” yells Naki Lee, the current mayor of Ubalin. “We first became a part of this great country as a direct result of when that tyrant Oswyn was violently ripped apart by blackout drunk peasants! To prevent reactionaries from poisoning and breaking apart the nation with outdated traditions, we need to denounce monarchy for the sham it is whenever it pops up!”
  3. “Maybe there’s a compromise,” speculates Tyrion Savage, a prolific jouster and part-time mutton farmer. “How about instead of making him the absolute monarch of Ubalin, we install King... Rex as a constitutional monarch of Ubalin. That way Ubalin stays a part of Random Chaos and continues to be run by competent politicians, but they’ll have a bit of tradition to rally behind. And imagine having an actual king open the Ubalin medieval fayre. My mutton sales will go through the roof!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, praying before a battle is a court-martial offence.

2021-12-26 03:00

Thinking a Little Too Hard?

A highly publicized data leak from Maxtopia has revealed classified military projects studying ESP, astral projection, mind-reading and other psychic-related phenomena.

  1. “Just look at the things Maxtopia was experimenting with!” exclaims General Guterres fiddling with a tinfoil ‘projection’ cap. “There’s mind-reading devices, brain-expansion exercises, this ‘Dream Twister’ secret project, and so much more! I mean, just imagine the potential strategic advantages on the battlefield, or in intelligence operations! Even if it comes to nothing, can you risk letting them get ahead of us? We should also be funding open-minded research into the paranormal, just to see what we find.”
  2. “Research alone is not taking this far enough!” proclaims purportedly psychokinetic guru Rosalina Navratilova, offering you a copy of her self-help book Moving Forward. “The full potential of the human mind is an infinite power beyond this puny material world! A psychic soldier could stop their enemy’s heart with a thought, and smash tanks with a wave of the hand. Set aside all conventional arms, and train your army to fight purely with psychic force.”
  3. “Oh please, don’t tell me you’ve fallen for this nonsense as well!” moans famed debunker Agnieszka Tin. “All these projects amounted to nothing: nada, zilch, zero! They have only ever produced wasted time and wasted money. It’s time that we clamped down on ridiculous superstitions, and purged all magical thinking from our military! Any soldier caught spouting mystical mumbo-jumbo should be dishonorably discharged immediately!”
  4. “Of course the paranormal isn’t real, but that doesn’t mean we can’t spread some disinformation,” murmurs Propaganda Director Doug Cheyney. “Essentially, this is about PSYOPS, not psychic ops. You must first fake and then leak data claiming that we have already developed paranormal military capabilities. This will unnerve credulous nation states, while also wasting the espionage resources of more cautious foes as they seek to refute our claims. It’ll be a cheap way to gain a significant strategic edge, so why not go for it?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens with artificial limbs are forbidden to serve as beauty pageant judges.

2021-12-25 21:00

I, Robot, Do Solemnly Swear

Last week, a humanoid robot announced its intentions to serve as the nation’s first android federal judge. Concerned citizens have come to you as to the implications and legality of this potential appointment.

  1. “Surely we cannot allow this, right?” asks Chief Justice Graham Glenn while curling the end of his beard around his finger. “Letting them vote would be one thing, but robot judges? What if it malfunctions or someone tampers with it? We need to put an end to this right now. If we manufactured it, it shouldn’t be allowed to serve in the judiciary.”
  2. “He’s a— it’s a WHAT?” yells Virgil Modi, your Minister of Zero Tolerance. “This robot had to be made by someone right? You don’t see how that could go horribly, horribly wrong? It’s clearly a power grab by someone with deep connections at the Friendly Robot Company. We need to conduct a full on investigation of the entire industry and this robot; who made him, who paid for him, what he is capable of — the works!”
  3. “If I may disagree,” politely asks iCroft Holmes, the robot nominee. “A robotic judge has numerous benefits that the esteemed gentlemen are deliberately omitting. We can view decisions in a rational and analytical manner, unburdened by emotions. We would make decisions for the betterment of the people. The judiciary would become streamlined and efficient. Surely, these are virtues the government wants?”
  4. “I warned you!” scolds noted technophobe Cassius Summers after smashing your telephone. “But no one would listen. You became dependent on these soulless machines, integrated them into every facet of your lives, and look, now they dare to judge us! We’ve got to rid Random Chaos of these toasters once and for all! Ban artificial intelligence and bring some sanity back to our country!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the dessert 'Death by Chocolate' isn't the most lethal dish on the menu.

2021-12-25 15:00

Dead Tasty

Every year, several deaths are reported in the country due to the eating of the highly poisonous, yet savoured, pufferfish.

  1. “It’s straight up suicide!” proclaims Chloe Scheer, while puffing her cheeks out in exasperation. “This deadly dish claimed the life of one of my close friends, and kills diners every month! This culinary death-trap must be banned!”
  2. “Eating this fish has been our tradition, passed down by our... grandfathers maybe...” says renowned chef Hermes Kuraoka, as he puts a pufferfish on your desk to demonstrate how easily prepared it is. “It all depends on how skilled you are. See: poison... poison... poison... tasty fish! All you need to do is to make sure all chefs go on training courses and are licensed to serve this sensory experience.”
  3. “What’s all this commotion about? A few deaths caused by a petty fish?” questions restaurateur Nobuyoshi Gillard, who has just returned from a culinary trip to Dàguó. “There are so many scrumptious dishes out there, but most Random Chaosians are just too jittery to give them a go. There’s live octopus, blood clams and ackee: let’s put Random Chaosian restaurants on everyone’s ‘must experience before you die’ list!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gambler populations thrive as dogs are slaughtered in the millions.

2021-12-25 09:00

Plague of the Hybrids!

Angry farmers have taken to the streets demanding the government to act after reported sightings of strange gambler-like dogs eating all the crops in fields.

  1. “This unholy union should never have taken place to begin with,” comments Rajesh Sosa, an angry farmer. “The gambler was never meant to mate with a dog! They eat my crops, they attack my livestock and they’re breeding so quickly they’re swamping the environment! We can’t make a living like this! You’ve got to give us the funds and manpower to shoot anything that comes within a mile of our property and put an end to these freaks of nature! We must wipe these creatures out now or before you know it all we’ll be eating is fish.”
  2. “We can’t just destroy these creatures!” exclaims Yasmin Brewer, owner of Random Chaos’s biggest safari park. “They may look ugly to you, but I think they’re just beautiful. We need to study them and understand them; think of what we could learn! These wonderful beasts may be a little harmful to the environment, but think of the people who will flock to see them! It would be an educational experience! Think of the money!”
  3. “We could always just kill off all the dogs,” Daenerys Harris of the “Keep The Species Pure” foundation whispers to you in a conversation. “The gambler is one of the many things our country is famous for; any perversion of its image reflects upon us all! We can’t have their image spoilt by these ugly abominations! Just get the police to go around and kill them all and we can rest easy knowing our countryside is safe!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, travelers are subject to extensive searches if beet stains are visible on their clothing.

2021-12-25 03:00

A Green Bill of Health

An outbreak of huanglongbing, a disease that causes citrus fruit to turn green and die, nearly wiped out all of Random Chaos’s orange crop before it was contained. Investigators have determined that the outbreak originated from contaminated fruit brought by overseas travelers.

  1. “We’re at code blood orange here,” reports Minister of Agriculture Tobias Ambrose from the ministry’s ‘citruation room’. “Our nation’s delicate ecosystem is constantly under threat from foreign diseases that can seriously harm our flora and fauna. Strict regulations must dictate which food products are allowed into Random Chaos. If someone refuses to let customs officers confiscate prohibited items, they’ll have to make like a banana and split right back to where they came from.”
  2. “A strategy like that sounds sensible, but our agriculture would still be susceptible to rot from within,” counters geneticist Boris Galavan, who recently grew flies with eyes on their wings. “It takes only one breach for there to be another outbreak. The government should sponsor a large-scale gene editing program so that the next generation of crops and livestock won’t even blink at exotic diseases. While we’re at it, we can improve them in other ways as well. You know, I’ve always wanted to make a chicken glow in the dark.”
  3. “Woah... dude, aren’t plants supposed to be green?” asks hippy herbalist Ginny McGuffin, who imports the Sedji berry ‘superfood’. “Let’s encourage our plants and animals to build their natural immunity by exposing them to these diseases from abroad — just like a pox party. After all, it’s worked just fine in nature for millions of years and stuff.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sales of trenchcoats are on the rise.

2021-12-24 21:00

I’ll Be Watching You

During a recent TV documentary, retired police officer Daenerys Head revealed that she had arrested your Minister of Law and Order, Moe Quagmire, for voyeurism as a teenager. You have since faced calls to not only fire Mr. Quagmire, but also to implement an exhaustive and accessible sex offenders registry.

  1. “A sex offenders registry is an absolute must,” states Ingmar Park, your Public Safety Minister, while giving Mr. Quagmire the evil eye. “It’s a necessary tool to keep the public safe and aware of all the creeps that are out there. If we give a little more funding to our boys and girls in blue, we’ll have it up in no time. Wouldn’t it be great to see which of your neighbors is a pervert?”
  2. “My whole life is ruined because of a dumb mistake thirty years ago!” wails Mr. Quagmire, as he glances up to check that you have noticed his tear. “We all make mistakes. It’s not like I hurt anyone! People shouldn’t be punished for a moment of teenage stupidity — what about my right to privacy? All misdemeanor crimes of ten years ago or more should be scrubbed from the records.”
  3. “As though anyone can’t tell he’s dangerous by those shifty eyes!” insinuates Police Chief Michonne Venkman, who likes to call police brutality ‘enthusiastic questioning’. “Creating a sex offenders registry would be awfully time-consuming and tie up officers who should be out on the streets arresting those jaywalking scumbags. We should bring back good old-fashioned public shaming by branding the sex offenders. It’ll make my job so much easier and bring in a new golden age of law and order!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, whipping posts and lashes have been transferred to the Historical Museum of Random Chaosian Embarrassments.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

2021-12-24 15:00

Whipping Up a Controversy

Amnesty Interregional has repeatedly ranked Random Chaos as one of the worst human rights abusers in the world, citing your government’s severe punishments for ordinary crimes. Embarrassed by the bad press, your government is considering ending its practice of flogging criminals.

  1. “This punishment is barbaric!” cries leading activist Meadow Smith, while whipping out leaflets on Random Chaosian law enforcement. “We’re no better than backward dictatorships like Maxtopia who flog their criminals for the most trivial of crimes! Random Chaos is a nation of decency and respect, but these whippings tarnish our reputation for humanity. We implore the government to end this medieval practice now!”
  2. “Are you kidding me?” rhetorically asks the precinct’s premier whipper, Kusang Blofeld, while applying a new grip to his favorite cat o’ nine tails. “Flogging criminals is so exciting - I mean effective. Yeah, effective. I deter criminals from misbehaving with the lash of my whip. If anything, you should expand the list of crimes punishable by flogging. Then I could really have some fun!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Amnesty Interregional has condemned Random Chaos for ignoring crimes against humanity.

2021-12-24 09:00

A Request for Military Aid

A small nameless nation within your sphere of influence has gone on a genocidal rampage within its own borders, ridding itself of what their Supreme Ruler For All Eternity, Emperor Inigo Pasteur, refers to as ‘those filthy Bigtopians’. Some escaped refugees are requesting that your government do something to end the slaughter of millions.

  1. “They’re killing everyone!” gasps Barbara Wagner, one of the refugees. “I implore you to please intervene and stop this murder of my people! If Random Chaos has any compassion at all then it must help us! With these madmen out of power we can finally go about rebuilding our nation as a land of justice and freedom!”
  2. “Woah, woah, we can’t just go around being a knight in shining armour for every random hell-hole on this planet,” says Freddy Cruz, your Minister of Foreign Relations. “Should we send citizens of Random Chaos into war just so we can save a bunch of foreigners? I don’t think so! Now, I’m no xenophobe, but I’ve gotta ask: what’s in it for us? Nothing but the death of our soldiers and criticism from the rest of the region, that’s what. Trouble is we’re getting too much of a reputation for having a big army. So drop some of our military funding and let them fight their own wars. It’s got nothing to do with us.”
  3. “Well, maybe this nation does have something we need, sir,” says Lauren King, your Military Advisor, while perusing a giant map of Random Chaos. “We’re fast running out of land and resources here, so why not invade this place, kick out whoever’s in power there, and take over? We’ve got the military power, so why wait? If any of those hippies in the region have somethin’ to say about it, they can say hello to our missile programmes, haha!”
  4. “They have as much right to their own internal politics as we do,” says activist and peacenik Rex Robinson. “While their actions may be deplorable by our standards, we can’t intervene unless the legitimate government requests it. It’s just an invitation to anarchy on an international scale, and nobody but a few crackpots want that.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Welfare Programs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizen radio operators agree that the certification test can open up a world of hertz.

2021-12-24 03:00

Hamming It Up

At a recent event you attended, your security detail was suddenly roused to action by a spate of unknown transmissions loudly received on their ear pieces. After quickly ensuring your safety, guards soon traced the source back to an amateur radio club innocently setting up operations in a nearby lot.

  1. “Aren’t ham radios great?” exclaims tweenaged club member Jacob Marconi, gleefully turning dials on some kind of base station. “With one of these, a person can talk to friends across town, or fellow enthusiasts all the way on the other side of The Hatrackia! You should make sure every kid in Random Chaos has the opportunity to learn about and use these radios! What better way to spread our nation’s message than a free transmitter for every home, and total freedom of the airwaves?”
  2. “I’m delighted to see so much interest in this technology!” remarks your Minister for Bureaucratizing Everything, writing down their remarks to file away later. “We should dedicate a certain segment of the nation’s frequency spectrum for such enthusiasts! We just need some regulations to avoid conflicts like what occurred today… I know! Certifications! If an interested Random Chaosian can pass a government-mandated training program, we let them loose. I’ll get to work on the requirements at once.”
  3. “Frankly, Leader, what happened just proves that the general public can’t be trusted with their own transmissions,” growls your lead bodyguard, looking up from a carefully-filled box score. “We need to keep the radio waves clear for security personnel, emergency dispatchers, and legitimate professional broadcasters for important things like the gamblerball World Championship! If somebody has something to say, let them find work as a professional.”
  4. “I’ve seen technology in other countries similar to a really upgraded version of the radio!” offers aspiring tech entrepreneur Miranda Matei, who was fiddling with some electronics nearby. “Citizens can plug into devices called ‘modems’ so they don’t occupy the airwaves. They also have keyboards for entering text-based information, monitors to see what they’re working on, and even programs that can run productivity software or play games! Allow this technology, and you’ll never have to worry about radio interference again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mostly women are seen and not heard.

2021-12-23 21:00

Women Demand Equal Opportunities

The women of Random Chaos are demanding an end to wage discrimination in the workplace.

  1. “The government must put a stop to businesses discriminating against women when they apply for a job!” chants Renee Wagner, a ferocious supporter of women’s rights. “Did you know that, on average, men in Random Chaos earn substantially more than women for doing the same job? For too long has the female race been discriminated against in our society due to their sex! We demand equal wages, equal opportunities, and equal respect for women, and we demand them now!”
  2. “Hey, my business is treading a thin enough profit margin as it is,” complains Han Cullen, CEO of Heavy Lifting Incorporated. “Women just aren’t as good as men at certain jobs, it’s a probably proven fact! Take firefighting - if you were dying from smoke inhalation and collapsed on the floor unable to move, who would you prefer to attempt to rescue you? A man with superior muscular strength or some weakling female? Go on, you decide. Let the businesses decide what they pay and who they pay it to - after all, the economy depends on us.”
  3. “Hah! Our society is getting far too soft!” rages Zeus King, a staunch male chauvinist. “Whatever happened to the days when a man could go back home to find his good lady wife with his tea ready and his slippers warm? I’ve heard that some men even have to cook and clean for themselves! We should be actively encouraging women to stay where they belong by making it expected that women get paid half what men do for the same job. After all, their poor brains are prone to overheating, so they’re naturally less efficient in the workplace.”
  4. “Personally, I think things went wrong as soon as women got labelled as the ‘fairer’ sex,” interrupts Catherine Gratwick, author of the best-selling novel ‘Gynaecocracy For Beginners’. “We’re strong, we’re willing - and we’re just plain better than men. See what a state the world is in when they’re in charge? I propose that all jobs should preferentially be offered to women first, so that men are encouraged to stay at home and be househusbands.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, first-time moms are expected to be experienced parents from day one.

2021-12-23 15:00

Mother Knows Best?

A recent report from the Bureau of Population Statistics has revealed that, during the past quarter, the number of parenting licenses given to prospective parents fell to an all-time low.

  1. Your secretary, who has failed the parenting test four times in a row, is eager to speak to you about this. “I mean, come on! How was I supposed to know how long it takes for a baby to get to the center of a lollipop? The test shouldn’t be so impossibly hard that no one can pass it. And there are so many other restrictions and requirements that get in the way of people trying to be parents. I beg you to make it easier for a regular person to obtain a license. I promise I will raise my children well!”
  2. “Seems like we’re running a country full of idiots, doesn’t it?” complains the head bureaucrat of the government agency that awards parenting licenses. “The application process is doing its job if it keeps those who are unqualified from having children. If there is one child in the hands of a parent without their wits intact, then we have failed as a nation. Instead of making the process easier, we need to be even more selective. And we should monitor the progress of parents even after they get their licenses, just to make sure they’re parenting up to standard. Only the best, brightest, and most qualified deserve to raise a family.”
  3. “Licenses? We don’t need no stinking licenses!” yowls your Minister of Productivity, writhing and jumping around you. “Less children — bad! Less productivity — bad! Bad for economy! We always need to be producing, always need to be doing! More children, more doing!” The minister’s mouth froths as he mumbles on the floor, making bizarre thrusting motions.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, motorists must pay to enter inner-cities during peak hours.

2021-12-23 09:00

For Whom the Road Tolls

A group of transport analysts have suggested that a charge of five chips a day for vehicular access to Random Chaos’s most congested inner-cities during peak hours is the only way to solve their ever-growing traffic problem.

  1. “Similar schemes have been very effective elsewhere,” says Kaji Carey, one of the most infamous traffic wardens in Random Chaos. “It’s common sense that the best way to curb dangerously high demand is to raise the price of the supply - or, as in this case, to create a price. Charging citizens to go into more congested areas could, combined with the improvements to public transport it will finance, actually make people choose public transport over their cars. I don’t see why people shouldn’t pay tax for a little less traffic on our roads.”
  2. “These tolls are a preposterous idea,” argues road lobbyist, Oprah Holt. “Public transport will never replace the car - I don’t want to be forced to share my space with a bunch of malodorous working-class people on my way to work. Not that I would be, because I could afford the charge, but really, it’s the principle of the matter! The only solution is to expand urban road networks. True, some pavements and green spots would have to go, but those pedestrians should be able to put up with that if they’re to expect Random Chaos to be part of the modern world.”
  3. “Allowing cars to scoot around and pollute our cities was a bad idea in the first place,” says Wilbur Peña, a famous environmentalist. “The solution is to abolish private motor transport whilst funding a major urban public transport scheme. Our buses and undergrounds could be the envy of the world! Yes, the car companies will suffer, and yes, there’ll be a bit more tax, but wouldn’t it be worth it for a bit of fresh air and safe streets for the children?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader's Dreadnought-class tankbuster limousine is said to have more ammunition than the entire Brancalandian Army.

2021-12-23 03:00

Driving Leader

After many years of faithful service, your current vehicle broke down on the highway this morning, forcing you to squeeze into the back of a police car like a common hoodlum in order to get to work. To avoid any further embarrassments, your advisors have asked you to pick a new state car to whisk you to-and-fro when required.

  1. “Look, that old barge was pretty, but it might not have been adequate if there was a bomb attack!” proclaims General Vladimir O'Hara, gesturing wildly and getting uncomfortably close to your face. “What we need to protect you is a state-of-the-art military vehicle. I’m talking 10cm thick carbon-ceramic armour, missile launchers, gun nests, and plenty of room for a squad of special forces operatives. Let’s make something no enemy of the state would dare even look funny at, let alone consider attacking!”
  2. Suddenly, your windows are shaken by what sounds like the bellow of a wild animal as eccentric TV star and car enthusiast Clark Jeremysson revs the engine of his Berrari Forza-Azzurri, then proceeds to address you using a megaphone. “Your people judge you based on what you’re driving. How on earth can they connect with you on a personal level if you’re riding around in a hybrid battlecruiser-tank thing? You should get something fast and exciting — a proper supercar — and drive it yourself. Show everyone that you’re a real take-charge leader who goes wherever you want, at whatever speed you want. People will love it!”
  3. “Heaven forbid that such an uncouth brute should influence Your Excellency,” sputters Cassius Vader, head of sales at Bolls-Boyce, bowing low and taking off his hat. “My dear, the vehicle that served you was very fine indeed, but fear not, for we can make a more luxurious replacement at our coachbuilding studio that will be far superior to the pedestrian wares offered by Maxcedes and Barryan Motor Works. If you would be so kind as to tell me your preferred leather suppleness and decanter temperature, my master craftsmen can get to work post-haste.”
  4. “Why waste taxpayer money on an expensive limousine when you can set an example of frugality?” questions your Minister of Anti-Corruption, who also happens to be your niece. “Just drive whatever’s available, like one of the compact cars in the government’s vehicle pool. They’re all made by General Chassis, right here in Random Chaos. It’ll help reduce government spending, while demonstrating your support for the local automotive industry.”
  5. You think you’re finished, but then a scraggly hippy who had appeared to be a large bush stands up and starts moving in your direction. “Like, dude... it’s you, man! I always thought you were cool! Hey, listen, I want to rap with you about something. Like, cars are so last century, dude! The people will totally be down with it if you just... like, walk everywhere. Imagine, you with a sweet poncho and a stick, totally in sync with Mother Earth, just walking to... wherever it is you go. Maybe it’ll put out good vibrations and change some minds about pollution and saving the world!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, officer recruitment and police brutality have reached an all-time high.

2021-12-22 21:00

Bigtopian Lives Matter

An unarmed 18-year-old Bigtopian boy, Wulfric Spirit, was recently shot by Officer Matthias Kenny as he was walking home, despite video footage showing him with his hands up. The police shooting has aggravated racial tensions in Random Chaos, and now civil rights protests have quickly spread from the suburbs, potentially engulfing the entire nation. You have been brought in to maintain calm and hopefully resolve the crisis.

  1. “Hands up; don’t shoot!” yells leading activist Charlemagne Broadside through a deafening megaphone. “We demand Officer Kenny’s conviction and an end to cops killing unarmed Bigtopians! I’m sick and tired of racist police who assume all Bigtopians look and act the same. Cops should have to live in the neighborhoods they patrol, and the local communities need direct control over their precincts. That way we can fire any officer itching to do in Bigtopians.”
  2. “All this talk about race is divisive,” says Officer Kenny’s attorney. “Try to put yourself in a policeman’s shoes for a minute. Cops need to make quick decisions in hostile situations, and that means they have to use the professional instincts they learn while on patrol. The Bigtopian boy fit the description of someone for whom there was an arrest warrant, and he was wielding a baguette - which on a dark night can easily be mistaken for a shotgun - in a threatening manner. This tragic mistake was an isolated incident, and Officer Kenny shouldn’t be held responsible for a single error on the line of duty.”
  3. “The boy in question was a serial jaywalker, proving he was a hardened criminal,” Chief of Police Hermione Hart states candidly. “So we can assume that the most notorious jaywalker in all of Random Chaos was up to no good. And those annoying protesters are just delaying traffic. I’ll get the fire department to disperse them pronto. TURN ON THE FIRE HOSES!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dessert dishes make up the Random Chaosian breakfast menu.

2021-12-22 15:00

Get Baked

While strolling through the annual bake sale at your niece’s school, you couldn’t help but overhear a heated argument between two of the mothers at a nearby snickerdoodle-and-cupcake display.

  1. “Ruby, I don’t care how much kale you put into those cupcakes; we just shouldn’t be feeding this much sugar to children,” lectures one gaunt-looking mother, waving a carrot in exasperation. She catches a glimpse of you out of the corner of her eye and turns to you. “Leader! You must regulate all junk food going to our children at school! If we need a fundraiser, we can sell fruits and vegetables instead of this high-calorie, low energy bull...”
  2. “Oh my, Iris, you must watch your mouth! There are children in here!” complains her dumpling-shaped counterpart, hip-bumping her way to a centre-stage position in the conversation and sending the previous speaker flying into a tower of rice cereal treats. “You can’t get rid of this sugary goodness! These kids love it. If anything, we need MORE sugar, and some help for businesses that provide the sweet treats that bring so much happiness. Who cares if people are gaining weight? That’s just evolution.”
  3. “AAAAAAAAAAARGH!” screams your niece, causing everyone to suddenly turn to her. “Thank you! Who cares what kids eat? It should be our choice alone if we want to eat cookies and candy all the time, not yours! Give children the choice to put whatever food we want in our bodies, it’s the only way!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a positive pregnancy test doubles as a visa.

2021-12-22 09:00

Some Enchanted Evening That Was

Amid the seemingly perpetual war raging in South Palisade, it appeared that your military personnel were making the most of the situation, and forming close — often physical — relationships with local women. Some even maintained a family off-base. With peace talks in the making, many people are debating the fate of these war brides and children.

  1. “We must get them back to Random Chaos,” insists Private Kvothe Hammerstein, standing beside his long-time South Palisadian girlfriend as she cradles their infant son. “Have you seen what’s happened here? The entire country’s been destroyed, and who knows how long this peace agreement will last with those North Palisadians? I don’t want my family left behind when the bombs start falling again. It behoves our nation to create an exemption to the immigration ban, to allow our beloved partners and children into Random Chaos. Do we not have a duty to care for the families of the people who sacrifice everything for its safety?”
  2. “Do we not have a duty?” singsongs Major Cary Billis, who is rumoured to have fathered twenty-six illegitimate children in twenty-five countries. “I would say that clearly, we do not have a duty. There’s nothing like a dame, but if these harlots from other lands are stupid enough to believe that it’s love — let alone that love lasts longer than two minutes — that tells me all I need to know about their morals... It also tells me that we cannot allow such people into our country. Of course, our soldiers are upstanding persons of valour and, therefore, should give a financial remittance for any children begotten before they depart.”
  3. “These people have consorted with the enemy?” gasps Minister of Defence Konrad Redwood, his left eyebrow springing upwards. “They’ve got to be carefully taught that any South Palisadian could be an enemy agent working for North Palisade; therefore, anyone found engaging in such illicit fraternisation shall be subject to court-martial and — when found guilty — execution for treachery.” Private Hammerstein and Major Billis fall menacingly under his gaze.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, agricultural employees work for peanuts.

2021-12-22 03:00

Tempted by the Fruit of Another

A fruit juicing plant owned by farming conglomerate Gambler Farms proved unprofitable and was closed down when everything went pear-shaped, with local employees laid off in their hundreds. A few weeks later, its former workers broke through the padlocked gates and brought the machines inside back to life, starting a collectivist Random Chaosian Manufacturing Workers’ Co-operative which soon turned a modest profit. Now the buildings’ owners want their factory back. The workers’ co-op has met the police in the streets, and things are about to go bananas.

  1. “This factory is mine! I have the deed right here!” yells Gambler Farms majority shareholder Sebastian Wessex from the safety of a sea of well-armored riot police. “How do you like them apples? Really, it’s precisely this sort of commie nonsense that is responsible for the economic downturn in Random Chaos to begin with! Everyone knows these lazy peasants don’t have the plums to build a real enterprise. But, now that MY factory is turning a profit again, I’m happy to buy their labor! You know, at a small discount.”
  2. “Oh, so you have some quaint little deed? Who gives a fig?” asks Kimberly Dixon, an award-winning documentary maker, while simultaneously signing copies of her new book The Shock Logo. “Why does the law protect the rights of failed business owners while leaving the workers out in the cold? Haven’t these workers also invested their very lives into this factory? Life gave them lemons, and they made lemonade! Don’t sacrifice their families and their lives to that bunch of sour grapes... Change the law to allow workers to take direct and democratic control of abandoned factories!”
  3. “Look, this ‘self-management’ thing sounds all peachy keen, but it just plays into the same tired capitalist narrative,” says red turtleneck-clad political theorist Brian Lazenby, while wrinkling his nose at a tattoo-laden protester. “Characterizing the suffering of the working class as merely an ‘investment’ plays directly into the hands of the bourgeoisie. And what do a bunch of pea-brained individuals know about proper management anyway? Can one factory provide jobs for all? Clearly, the state should seize factories for the good of all Random Chaosians!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, women are ordered home to reproduce for the glory of the Free Land.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2021-12-21 21:00

Women in Uniform Under Fire

After a female Random Chaosian soldier was taken prisoner and brutally tortured in a recent skirmish, some citizens are calling for an end to female enlistment in the military.

  1. “This is a travesty!” argues Colonel Trajan Herrelko. “The nation’s women are our most precious jewels, and we’ve been letting them go out and die on horrible, bloody battlefields. We need to make the frontline combat exclusively for men, or our womenfolk will be in peril. Women should be content with support roles like nurses, secretaries, and cooks so we can free up fighting men for the meat grinder - I mean, the front.”
  2. “The nation needs more fighting men, all right,” retorts Corporal Amadeus Parker, phoning in from the front lines. “So much so that it doesn’t really matter whether they’re men. We should do away with all sexual discrimination in the military. So long as soldiers can meet physical requirements, shoot straight, and be ready to fight and die with a cry of ‘Roll the dice!’ on their lips, I say that’s all that matters.”
  3. “But that would send our womenfolk to fight in the wrong wars,” protests infamously chauvinistic General Boutros Vonnegut, emerging briefly from a fortified bunker. “Women are needed on the home front, producing babies for Random Chaos so we don’t get outnumbered by those fast-breeding savages we call our neighbors. It’s not like weakling females can actually fight, anyways. And to ensure our conscription numbers are nice and high, it would be strategic to outlaw contraception and abortion.”
  4. “See? This sort of griping is why women are the only ones fit to be soldiers at all,” says obscure feminist author Patty Cruz. “You don’t see women falling all over themselves to be a hero and keep men out of harm’s way. Women are more rational, keep cooler under fire, and are just as physically fit as men. I say we keep the men home and have an all-female military instead.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government-run screening operations remove embryos with severe genetic disorders.

2021-12-21 15:30

Buy a Better Baby?

A top fertility clinic has recently announced a new service allowing parents to create so-called ‘designer babies’.

  1. “Embryo selection isn’t really genetic engineering in the technical sense,” explains Dr. Athena Watts, owner of the Babies-2-Go Clinic. “It’s more like being able to have a dozen abortions per month until you get the foetus you desire. I can’t really see what’s wrong with parents who can afford it being able to eliminate foetuses with undesirable genetic traits - like stupidity.”
  2. “Thou shalt pay for thy sins!” screams Fergus Day, waving a crucifix. “This is just meddling with the sanctity of life. If these children are to be born with horrible defects then it’s God’s will and who are we to question it? This technology must be banned at once!”
  3. “This technology shows promise,” muses Kristen Lacombe, Minister of Health. “But we can’t trust the private sector with the future of our nation’s children. We must place it under strict government regulation, so that we only screen out embryos with serious genetic conditions.”
  4. “This has got me thinkin’,” says General Quincy Rudd, thumbing through a big folder marked ‘X’. “If this technology lets us reduce genetic defects, then couldn’t it work the other way? We could create ourselves an army of genetically superior soldiers! With our army of Super Soldiers, no nation would dare stand in our way!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign heads of state have taken out restraining orders against Random Chaosian ambassadors.

2021-12-21 09:00

Ambassadors Inextraordinary

It was recently discovered that your predecessor had filled numerous ambassadorial positions with unqualified candidates and supporters. These include the ambassador to Wezeltonia, your predecessor’s personal masseuse, and the ambassador to Brancaland, a known crime lord. It’s clear to many that Random Chaos could use a change in the ranks of its diplomats.

  1. “This is a splendid opportunity to put in our own, far superior, ambassador picks!” enthuses your Political Adviser, Elena Pasteur. “It’s obvious that we can’t let those incompetents keep their positions any longer, so we sack them all and replace them with our own people. I’ve prepared a list for you to look at - we’ve got talented people like that first government official to endorse you, the tourism tycoon who donated millions to your campaign, and my younger brother. It’ll be wonderful!”
  2. “We need to abolish the entire system of ambassadors as political appointees,” says Joe Wagner, who has worked in the Foreign Ministry for the past three decades. “Over my sixteen tours of duty in the Foreign Service, I’ve been posted to hellholes like Brasilistan, Marche Noire, and Maxtopia. And then I see some champagne-sipping flunky waltz on in to become the ambassador, despite having never worked a day in their life. Every ambassador should have as much diplomatic experience as I do before being considered for the job.”
  3. “I spy an opportunity...” says your seldom-seen Minister of Whispers, who has somehow appeared beside you. “What our nation needs is for our ambassadors to be trained and equipped for - specialized operations - in foreign nations. Imagine our most elite black-ops agents, striking under cover of darkness to promote our nation’s goals. Think about it. I know you’ll make the right choice.”
  4. Nomathemba Cullen, the sole survivor of the infamous embassy bombing in Marche Noire, limps into your office with a cane. “You bet I’m not qualified for these ordeals,” she yells. “The things I’ve seen, the horrible things I’ve had to do, the countless nights I’ve spent awake working on that free-trade agreement have left me a broken woman! End this misery, Leader; shutter our embassies abroad and bring us all home.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the space program has been reduced to Leader's nephew playing with a cardboard space shuttle.

2021-12-21 03:00

Space Is Big Enough for the Both of Us

In a shocking turn of events, the normally secretive East Lebatuck government proposed working with multiple space programs. They have offered to work with the Random Chaosian Space Agency to create a jointly-operated space station, called the Multinational Space Station, or MSS. The scientific community has concluded that a space station would be utterly cool and might even provide the Random Chaosian Space Agency with valuable scientific data, but some are concerned about working with East Lebatuck.

  1. “Comrade Leader, there is no reason for any mistrust between us,” comments Ashley Stoker, the East Lebatuckese representative, while discreetly placing a listening device under a pot plant. “Our proposal would launch Random Chaos’s space program to new heights while setting a glorious example of friendship between our two great Motherlands. We’re ready to launch the ‘Spyonya’ module, so just hurry up and agree to build the station already.”
  2. “A jointly-operated space station might be one small step for international cooperation, but our own space station would be a giant leap for Random Chaosiankind,” declares hero astronaut Hum Legstrong, who has arrived wearing a space suit for reasons you cannot fathom. “All we need to do is repurpose some leftover parts from the last few spaceship programs. Fuel tank? Bam, crew quarters! Spy Satellite? Bam, space telescope! We’ll get all the sciencey goodness for a low, low price, and we won’t have to trust those shady East Lebatuckese.”
  3. “A space station? Really?” remarks Ferdinand Bush, an unpopular and rather frugal politician, nibbling at a homemade peanut butter sandwich. “Those nerds may act satisfied, but they’ll just be begging for more funding next week. Take a page from Maxtopia’s book and slash the Random Chaosian Space Agency’s budget. We might get less of that ‘science’ stuff, but who cares? No one, because they’ll be too busy enjoying the tax cut. It’s not like space is going anywhere.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, oil rigs in winter are heated by contained oil slick fires.

2021-12-20 21:00

Dead in the Water

Massive fertilizer-fueled algae blooms in the South Gambler Sea are quickly depleting aquatic oxygen levels and suffocating marine life. Vaguely aware of this fact, you are on a poorly-planned fishing trip in the South Gambler Sea arranged by the Ministry of Agriculture. The fishing expedition is intended to impress foreign dignitaries, but you can’t help but notice that there are more strategic locales for a PR stunt, areas that aren’t a sickly brown color. All the same, you cast a line into the water, and a few seconds later the fishing rod bends and flexes wildly.

  1. “That must be a big piece of garbage. There’s no way you’ll catch any fish in that dead water,” concludes Stefanie Rikkard, an unabashed nihilist and CEO of DrillBabyDrill. She jabs a finger at the open sea, adding, “This proves that it’s high time to give up on environmental regulation altogether. If you want to squeeze some more production from this pool of filth, abolish those obsolete pollution laws hindering my offshore oil rigs. There’s nothing left to protect, after all.”
  2. A hard pull on the line drags the rod out of your hands. Josh Zaius, a retired senior captain from Something Fishy, makes a diving catch for it and wrestles with whatever is on the other end. He exclaims, “If that’s a fish, we must find out how it miraculously lives in lifeless water!” He continues to struggle with the fishing rod. “But if it’s only trash out there, then the only way to save the fishing industry - and the environment - is to strictly limit the fertilizers causing this dead zone in the first place.”
  3. With a wrench and some salty language, the captain lands the ‘fish,’ a woman in a scuba suit. Floundering on deck, she fumes, “Aggh! I can’t see anything down there, with all that gunk from the estuary! Rumor has it there’s shipwrecks down there, but I’ve never seen one. Look, the problem here is chemical fertilizer run off from farms, so why not fix the problem back at the farms with better chemicals? Oblige the farmers to add chlorine bleach to the water supply in proportion to the fertilizers they use, and your rivers and seas will boast crystal clear water!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, war criminals are given full state funerals.

2021-12-20 15:00

A Funeral for a Fiend?

Fyodor Gilbreth, the controversial former head of the Random Chaosian military, suddenly died in his home last night. While he was beloved by many for his unapologetic patriotism and military service, he was loathed by others for his xenophobia and alleged war crimes. He is proving to be just as controversial in death as he was in life as you have been asked to honor him with a state funeral.

  1. “He was a hero and a true patriot!” exclaims Lauren Meyer, the current head of Random Chaos’s military. “Of course he should be presented with a state funeral and full honors! In fact, we should declare a week of mourning and erect a statue of him in Random Chaosian Square. Damn the expense! Anyone who disagrees is a terrorist-sympathizing, Random Chaos-hating traitor!”
  2. “A funeral for a fascist and a fiend like Fyodor Gilbreth? No way!” rebuffs civil rights activist Richard Strange while spraying graffiti over an official bust of the deceased. “Is that the message we want to send to the rest of The Hatrackia? That we honor mass murderers and bigots? How about honoring the true heroes of Random Chaos, like those doctors who worked in cancer research, or scientists who discovered new elementary particles?”
  3. “Why bother with state funerals at all?” queries Abdullah Caesar, chairperson of the Angry Taxpayers Federation. “Talk about a perfectly good waste of our hard-earned money! Let the family of the deceased cover the cost of the funeral so the government can get back to more important things like lowering taxes and cutting government spending.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, drunk drivers are sent to rehabilitation paid for by the government.

2021-12-20 09:00

Drunk Driving on the Rise

More and more, citizens are drinking before getting behind the wheel. A group of concerned citizens wants something done.

  1. Erik Williams, head of Random Chaos’s chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous, says that drunk drivers need help. “Alcoholism is a nasty thing, a disease. The government has to help these poor souls to avoid the temptations of liquor, and wine, and beer, and hard cider, and brandy, and...” His eyes get a glazed, far-off look. “Where was I? Oh right, we have to help these people, not imprison them.”
  2. “That’s lovely,” says Sam Dubois, a noted anti-alcohol advocate, “in a perfect world where rehab fixes everything. But this is the real world, and it doesn’t bring back the victims. Drunk drivers kill people every day. If they take others’ lives, the government must take theirs!”
  3. “All of those plans attack the symptoms, not the disease,” says Minister of Transportation Ali Li. “Alcohol is a curse, a poison sent by the Devil to tempt mankind. We cannot trust people to make decisions for themselves. The only answer is prohibition. Ban alcohol completely.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos City's main city thoroughfare has been blocked by a row of leyland cypresses that mysteriously appeared overnight.

2021-12-20 03:00

Regenerative Permaculture Emergence

Guerilla gardening - that is, illegal trespass onto unused or blighted urban land with the express intention of horticultural cultivation - is on the rise in Random Chaos. Activists have in particular focused their campaigns against the properties of the largest and most environmentally destructive corporations.

  1. “This is a protest, dude, to draw attention to the abuse of Mother Earth with ad-hoc environmental entrepreneurship,” explains self-professed eco-agorist Darya Griffin, trowel in one hand and manifesto in the other. “We’re taking back the land from those that despoil and destroy, and making life instead. Just turn a blind eye and let the counter-economy address these criminally polluting companies through direct action. Give peas a chance, man!”
  2. “I had just spent millions of chips on clear-cutting that manky old rainforest and putting up a brand new parking lot for my valued customers and employees, when these filthy garden-variety criminals came along. They used jackhammers in the dead of night and tore up my pristine asphalt sea!” explains oppressed big-business executive Jamie Murdoch, while caressing the spine of an Ayn Bland novel like a pet. “Instead of a beautiful ocean of shiny automobiles on a plain of black tar, there’s now ugly grass, flowers and apple saplings! Arrest these trespassers! In fact, sentence them to hard labour putting things back how they should be.”
  3. “Look, everybody loves broccoli, but we can’t just let people grow food without permission!” notes Moana Tavener, your Agricultural Minister. “Forget the trespassing: these maniacs are growing runner beans that are sometimes a whole inch longer than industry regulations allow! What this country needs is strict new laws and more agents to enforce them in order to properly regulate this regenerative trend and ensure that any and all gardens being planted are conforming to official standards. These guerrilla farmers can’t be trusted to act responsibly; only through wise cultivation under my agency’s guidance can we properly manage agriculture.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, personal injury lawyers are demanding compensation from the government after recent reductions in manufacturer liability.

2021-12-19 21:00

Furnished for Failure

Recently, there have been many reported incidents of cheaply repaired pieces of furniture falling apart and causing serious injuries, including bruises, cuts and even one case of fatal friction burn. Bandage-covered victims are demanding action!

  1. “Incompetent workers fixed my Hot’n’Heavy Magic Massage Chair the other day and do you know what happened?” yells Sarah Ramirez, charred and covered with third-degree burns. “It thumped me so hard that I got scared, jumped from the chair, tripped on my cat, stumbled into the next room, tripped over a stack of TV Guides, and then fell into my fireplace! Plus the repair guy smelt funny! Clearly, they are responsible and must pay me compensation! Oh, and you should probably regulate the industry more or something, just make sure I get my check by Saturday...”
  2. “That woman was lucky, compared to me,” notes Isaac Wonka from his wheelchair. “I lost both my legs and an eye, the result of someone forgetting a leg to my coffee table. A leg! How does anyone even do that? This industry is clearly extremely dangerous, no amount of regulation can solve that. Ban repairs and restoration altogether and people can instead buy newer and safer stuff. Ending is better than mending!”
  3. “It ain’t our fault if we don’t do our job well, is it?” says blame-shifting cash-in-hand handyman Anupam Dylan, as he improvises a fix to your wobbly desk with duct tape and craft glue. “I mean, we get non-stop calls to fix this and that, so we haven’t got any time for a quality job. The people who make chairs and the like should have done a better job. If you’re going to force standards, then force them on the manufacturers, not us!”
  4. “It’s best if the government butts out and we ‘let the free market run its course’, as the cool kids say,” observes Gaius Longbottom, CEO of plastic-and-fibreboard furniture manufacturer QuickSell and Beyond. “Our products are a bit like a payday loan - you can get them easily and with no hassle, though you might need a new one next month. Just relax these silly safety standards! Then my factories can make and sell more chairs, more people gain employment, we make oodles of profit, and you get heaps of tax money. Everybody wins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is broadly agreed that tramp stamps are criminally undesirable.

2021-12-19 15:00

Tragedy of Wounded Earlobe

In the midst of a religious ritual deep in the jungles of Random Chaos, members of the Ngwane tribe were blindsided by a sudden police raid. Citing laws against body modification, the police dumped out barrels of tattoo ink, confiscated store huts full of piercings, and arrested the Ngwane.

  1. “This is a sad chapter in our history,” observes tribal Chief U’ana Nosren’g, stroking the chicken bone he wears as a chin-piercing. “The ancestor spirits weep at the sacrilege our people have had to endure. The boys who were being inducted into manhood can now never be considered to be true men. This is religious discrimination and oppression of my people. Please let my people go and allow body piercing and modification once more.”
  2. “My team was just following the law,” states SWAT captain Rick Tan, who oversaw the raid. “They get no sympathy from me. Anyone who lives within our jurisdiction is subject to our rules and regulations. The laws against body modification help promote public order and traditional values. Let this go, and you’re re-opening the door to inked gang-members and pierced punks.”
  3. “I doubt that our primitive friends were intentionally ignorant,” coos Abdullah Castro, board member with the religious recreation camp ‘Fun with Faith’. “Their determination to pursue these modifications stemmed from their backwards beliefs and simple-minded tribal ways. If you’d just sponsor our outreach program, we could perhaps guide the Ngwane down the path towards a more advanced faith. Change starts with the children, you know.”
  4. “Just leave these people alone!” wails inner-city guru Debra Huffington, who has crafted ‘tribal solidarity bracelets’ out of beads and tatty string. “If the police hadn’t interfered in the first place, that village would still be celebrating their rituals, none the wiser! Not only should we let them live as they see fit, we need to return all these tribes to their original isolated states. Drop all contact immediately, and then retreat from ever laying a finger on them again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pristine wilderness has been trashed in the quest for cheaper oil.

2021-12-19 09:00

Painful Prices Paid at the Pump

Commuters are complaining about the ongoing rise in gas prices, causing a massive debate in the government about what should be done.

  1. “Who cares about a few trees?” says oil executive Paul Delauter. “Gas prices are six chips per gallon, and rising! There is lots of oil to be found in areas currently protected as parks! Solving our energy needs is more important than conserving the environment. Just give us permission to go in there and start drilling, and gas prices will plummet!”
  2. “There are other ways to recover from the fossil fuel crisis besides ruining forests,” says environmental activist Victoria Larkin. “We shouldn’t just take the short way out and drill here. I suggest spending more money on public transportation systems and encouraging people to carpool - if people weren’t so reliant on fossil fuel powered cars, we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place, and if we start using less oil, the price will drop with the demand.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Advanced Public Transport.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids looking for shark teeth have become ancient history.

2021-12-19 03:00

Throwing Paleontologists a Bone

After a commercial fossil hunter discovered an incredibly rare and nearly complete Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton, and subsequently announced their intent to sell it to the highest bidder at an auction house, a debate kicked off on the ethics of for-profit fossil hunting. One of your more dinosaur-obsessed aides has convinced you to visit a dig site and obtain first-hand knowledge on the matter.

  1. “Fossil hunters are destroying our precious fossil record!” cries Dr. Cumberbatch, a noted paleontologist, while gently brushing the dirt from a Triceratops skull. “They’re not adequately documenting the context of the fossils they find, they’re careless with less profitable specimens, and it’s going to cost Random Chaos City University a bundle to try and keep that precious T. rex in public hands. You need to make a law that only publicly funded paleontologists with scientific, not capitalist, intentions are allowed to collect fossils.”
  2. “These bones are a limited-time offer,” states Luna Kirk, the fossil hunter at the center of the controversy, slinging a jackhammer behind her back. “The government will never have the funding to find and collect them all, so they’d probably be eroded away in a few years anyway. Besides, fossil hunting is a great hobby; it gets people outdoors, educates them about Random Chaos’s past, and can even put some cash in their pockets if they’re lucky. Just disseminate some basic guidelines on documentation so citizens can help preserve the scientific record, and encourage the free market to compete.”
  3. “Why are y’all even spendin’ any of my tax dollars on hoity-toity gov’ment museums and paleonto-whatevers?” asks Sarkan Rodriguez, the rancher on whose land the dig is occurring. “Seems like there’s plenty of private money for bone collection and display. You should cut gov’ment funding for such nonsense entirely.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hordes of unemployed lumberjacks have resorted to cutting down utility poles to satisfy their cravings.

2021-12-18 21:00

A Clear-Cut Conundrum

The Shepherds of the Forest - a particularly dedicated section of the The Ramblers’ and Hikers’ Association - have just completed a long march from the remote Western Gambler Mountains National Park to Random Chaos City. They come bearing news that elements within the Timber Woodchipping industry have been covertly logging the protected area for over a decade without the government even noticing.

  1. “I was just hiking quietly along the back of Grand Gambler Ridge,” recounts Chastity Larson, a very sturdy forestry professor, with a tall head and hardly any neck. “I rounded a bend and there before me lay the most horrendous sight I ever laid eyes upon. Stands upon stands of trees, butchered like on a battlefield, many of whom were my friends. There is no curse in the tongue of Random Chaos for this treachery. O please, Leader, make the destroyers who did this replant all the trees they massacred, and stop them from ever coming back!”
  2. “Bah, humbug,” bellows Oliver Sajak, a sour man representing one of the rogue logging companies, draped in a robe of many colors. “That Western Whatever Park is so far away that no one even goes there anyway, except for those weirdo hikeaholics. Our great and glorious Free Land would be best served by burning that old world in the fires of industry. Auction them all off to the highest bidder, foreign or domestic! Forests will fall and Random Chaos will make profits you’ve never dreamed of. Just imagine it.”
  3. “HOW DARE THEY!” screeches Marleen Andersson, a self-professed eco-warrior, wielding an elaborately carved battle staff made out of the highly endangered Random Chaosian pine. “These evil corporate schemers, planning to destroy the world just to gain wealth! The only way we can keep our parks safe is by allowing not a single person - yes, you heard me - not a single person into them. They need to be off-limits to the inherently greedy, destructive natural tendencies of humans. Leader, let me raise a posse of good and green men to guard our forests and bring the sword to any desecrating capitalist pig who dares enter.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, city workers have declared that rolling markets aren't good for business after all.

2021-12-18 15:00

Sales on Rails

Commuting train passengers are complaining about unofficial vendors trying to sell things to them.

  1. “These people are annoying and outrageous,” screams commuter Britney Christensen, getting so far into your personal space that she is treading on your toes. “I ride the metro every day to go to work, and I’m constantly harassed by these noisy vendors! I have to yell down my phone so my clients are able to hear what I’m saying. You have to ban all vendors from trains immediately!”
  2. Freelance vendor Gyelbu Jefferson strides into your office confidently, carrying a box of crackers. “I sell dem crackers on trains and buses every day, and dat’s how I make a livin’! People buys dem too, so clearly they wants me there! I reckon dem government should get outta’ the way and let people earn a few chips.” He waves a small bag of ROTS® crackers in your face. “Buy dem now, buy three get one free!”
  3. Late to the meeting, and with a messy stack of disorganized papers in her arms, your Minister of Finance shows up. “We must acknowledge that a sizeable portion of some citizens’ incomes comes from these entrepreneurial activities, but equally, we should have some level of regulation by selling official retail licenses, which in turn will boost the national treasury. After all, we deserve our share. These are free samples, yes?” She helps herself to a bag of crackers, and walks out.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, in life full of care there is no time to stop and stare.

2021-12-18 09:00

Bullet Time

Regular traffic congestion within Random Chaos’s interstate highways has resulted in a flurry of petitions being sent to you demanding the development of a Maglev bullet train connecting the nation’s major cities. Apparently there was going to be a demonstration outside your front door as well, but the protesters got stuck in traffic.

  1. Moments before you are about to go home after a long day at work, an intruder intercepts you at your front door. His face is a deeper shade of red than the sunset outside your window. He yells at you: “Eight hours! Do you have any idea how it feels to sit in traffic for eight hours? Be quiet! How can I do good work when the commute takes the whole day? Listen, most other developed nations already have high-speed, high-efficiency railway systems, and not having one is not doing us any favors, economically or for our mental health. We Need Bullet Trains! Give us Bullet Trains!”
  2. “That angry fellow is correct, you know...” says Finlay Fitzgerald, an agreeable businesswoman who gently guides the furious commuter to the back door, “but who is to say the burden of the cost should be on the government’s back? Me and my colleagues in Budget Rail Incorporated can get Random Chaos high speed connections with no cost to your taxpayers. We’ve got suppliers of nearly-new metal, fairly decent quality second-hand trains, engines that almost passed emission standards. We’ve even identified which arable land owners you’ll need to force to sell to us to make this service fast and profitable. Just sign, quickly, here, here, here, and umm... initials here...”
  3. “You can’t do it!” groans Tadek McAlpin, ecologically minded pop-musician with the recent #1 hit I Hugged A Tree and I Liked It. “Mother Nature gives us love, and look at how we treat Her. We’re binding her flesh with steel rails. I mean, forests, the trees, all that... they give us oxygen and stuff. Dodge the bullet, save the world!”
  4. “Slow down, now. Slow down, all...” says Bartholomeus Snow, a villager visiting the big city for the first time. “More railways is a fine thing for all, but why have fancy high speed trains that zoom past all the interesting places on the way? I think you should be building a LOW speed rail, that stops at all the picturesque hamlets and towns, and brings visitors to them. Stop by Little Droppings - that’s my own town, by the way - and I’ll brew you a nice cup of tea.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader has a wardrobe full of fake designer suits.

2021-12-18 03:00

In the Black

Determined to make their point strongly, an intimidating gang of Customs Police Officers and Revenue officials have arrived at your front door with sacks full of junk: home-copied DVDs, knock-off imitation designer clothes and dodgy electronics gear. All these are illegally traded goods, seized today within a mile’s distance of your own home. The black market is out of control, they say, circumventing both industrial standards and retail taxation.

  1. “We must break illegal trade with the direct application of brute force!” roars Revenue Officer Koa Oliver, incandescent with rage. “Send in the police force! Send in SWAT teams! Destroy these outlaws and punish their customers! Undeclared trade is tax evasion, and tax evasion is rebellion. Crush the rebels!”
  2. A cockney fellow in a long trench coat sidles up to you and whips it open in front of you. To your relief, the only thing he is exposing is a selection of fake watches hanging from the inner lining. “Cor blimey, guv’nor, the black market is just us geezers exercising a bit of cheeky chappy freedom! Duzzit do yer harm? No it don’t! Duzzit make people chipper? Yes it does! Just have the old rozzers leave us in peace, and turn a blind eye or two to stuff falling off a lorry, and we’ll all be laffin’ our way to the bank. Now, would you like two Rowlex timepieces for the price of one?”
  3. “He has a point... The black market’s size is indicative of a free economy’s response to government over-regulation,” observes Hammurabi vanDyke, a far-more respectable looking businessman, presenting you with some colourful line-graphs to support his argument. “Relax those regulations, and economies of scale will allow legitimate private industry to triumph, and the proportion of economic activity dominated by the black market will likely fall. The black market is just a symptom. Wage laws, bureaucratic red tape, excessive industrial standards: they’re the real sickness.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the carbon footprint falls along with the human footprint during war.

2021-12-17 21:00

Pulling Out

Several nations that are party to the international climate treaty have been falling short of the treaty’s set targets for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. A few nations have even decided to withdraw from the agreement, leaving many worried about the future of the treaty and the planet.

  1. “Did they really just pull out and leave us?” histrionically shrieks Birgitta Morgan, one of your country’s biggest advocates for signing the climate agreement. “We must not be impotent; we need to compensate for the rest of the world’s dangerous, lazy indifference. We need to significantly increase our ecological protection funding while also trying harder to decimate carbon emissions. It’ll all be worth it in the end when our nation isn’t under the sea.”
  2. “We can’t just take this lying down. We’ve gotta give those no-good double-crossers what they’re asking for — death and destruction!” fumes Grogu Swallows, a radical environmentalist obsessed with guns and big bazookas. “Show them their economies really will suffer by convincing our fellow signatories to wage a whippin’ war against any nation that chooses to withdraw. Then we can whip our more negligent partners into shape as well. Hey, they consented to it; they signed the treaty.”
  3. “So, you want to help our planet by bombing other countries?” mockingly interrogates Catherine Gratwick, recent victor of the Annual Random Chaos City Dance-Off. “Forcing nations back into the agreement won’t help; in fact, they may be on to something here. If our treaty partners can’t keep up with the pace, we might need to take things slow and propose a reduction in treaty obligations to the other member states. Communication is key in a relationship, and it will certainly stop our friends from pulling out in the future.”
  4. “Or, maybe ya should just forget about this here nonsense ‘cuz it’s junk anyhoo,” rants an ambassador from the United Federation, thrusting a two-foot-long, fried, bacon-wrapped Mega Hot Dog Deluxe Supreme™ into his ten-gallon mug of Moonbucks coffee. “Even if clahmate changes were really caused by men, stahfling economical progress will only tarnish yer abilities to fahnd betta ways of doin’ thangs. If you quickly pull out now and denounce this here treaty for the Dàguó hoax it is, you will sure be much better off — just lahk us!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the sanitised and dull music festivals of Random Chaos are famed for their reasonable volume levels.

2021-12-17 15:00

Chips, Drugs, and Rock’n’Roll

A group of surprisingly hip and mellow businessmen have meandered over to your office, with paperwork to propose Gamblerfest, a celebration of music, dance and good times that will incidentally make them a truckload of money. They see your nation not only as the new stomping grounds for this annual music festival, but also as a place that could be seen as being friendly to festival culture in general, welcoming the dread-locked (and sometimes nude) bear-dancing nomads, with their mind-altering substances, groovy music and economy-stimulating disposable incomes.

  1. “This festeroo is gonna be groovy, man!” croons Eve Roosevelt, famous lead guitarist of Grateful Floyd. “I can’t wait to transcend the minds of all that watch me, man! My guitar just may steal your face right off your head, stick it on a rock-rocket and then set the controls for the heart of the sun! Ya know, man?! Leader, you can even jam with us if you give us the space for this festival!”
  2. “I don’t know about this!” worries Rama Dice, an angry old man. “These darn hippies want to be flooding my town with their drug paraphernalia, their smelly bodies, their electronical guitars and their ‘popping’ music! Keep these drug-fueled, fried-egg-brained layabouts out of our great nation! Say no to drugs! Say no to subversive drug music! Say no to young people!”
  3. “How about we have the festival, but supply enough police presence to keep the drugs out?” asks Peggy Fowler, a former weed-smoking spiritualist turned substance-abuse counsellor. “We can have our police force monitor the festival, and maybe also have an anti-drug awareness campaign working the festival, and some consultation work to minimise local disruption and environmental impact. We can have a good time and keep the drugs away... It’s all about the music, isn’t it?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the full weight of the law is being applied against hate speech.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2021-12-17 09:00

Sweet, Sweet Marketing

Recent studies show childhood obesity is on the rise, and many believe this to be the fault of attention-grabbing packaging on sugary foods.

  1. “How are we supposed to keep our children healthy when all of their favorite cartoon characters are shown brazenly endorsing these products?” screams angry mother Isabelle Jackman. “Children who can’t readily distinguish reality from fiction are tricked into thinking they need these products to be like their heroes! We mothers demand that packaging should never be designed to influence the minds of children! We demand plain and informative packaging!”
  2. “Come now, surely people can be trusted to make their own decisions?” purrs fat-cat CEO Anthony Tyger. “Besides, you could argue that being exposed to advertising at an early age trains young people to be discerning consumers. It’s a form of real-life education. Trust instead in industry self-regulation, and keep government out of it. That’d be gr-r-reat!”
  3. “I think the fact that this is an issue in the first place speaks volumes about the way we see larger people!” cries your morbidly obese Minister of Compassion, weeping as she munches on a bowl of frosted Happios cereal. “Why can’t we allow people to be whatever shape they are without ostracism? Let bigger kids be bigger kids, and if anyone criticizes their weight, that should be deemed illegal hate speech!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bilingual Random Chaosians are viewed with suspicion.

2021-12-17 03:00

On the Fence

At the start of the Marche Noire Civil War, Kendall Cobblepot moved her family to the relative safety of Random Chaos. She stayed behind so that she could wind down her engineering business and make sure the children in the orphanage she ran all made it to safety. Her plan to rejoin her family was thwarted, however, when you instituted the immigration ban.

  1. “The pain this poor woman has gone through is astounding!” claims the author of the article that made Kendall a national story. “This woman had to escape death camps in Marche Noire and the blazing sun in Althaniq in search of freedom, only to be separated from her family by you. Whatever their nationality, we shouldn’t be a country that divides families. Lift the ban on immigration!”
  2. “Random Chaos shouldn’t divide families, no,” remarks nationalist politician Per Juran, while munching on a piece of Willy Wenko’s best chocolate. “However, we must fight to maintain our national identity, and immigration will only undermine this. Let’s re-unite the families of people like Kendall Cobblepot - by sending them and their families back to wherever it is they came from!”
  3. “Well, this is quite the dilemma, isn’t it?” interjects Violet Rasputin, your Minister of Finding Loopholes, looking up from a copy of the latest tax plan. “We don’t like immigrants, but we can’t be the nation that divides families, and we shouldn’t deport people who came here legally. I’ve got it! Let’s allow immigration, but only to the relatives of citizens.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a popular saying is "a chicken for every pot and an abortion clinic on every street".

2021-12-16 21:00

Doctors’ Orders

There have been an increasing number of complaints as some doctors refuse to provide abortions and other medical treatments to patients on religious grounds. As you wait in a hospital waiting room for a routine physical, a colorful collection of activists have begun pestering you.

  1. “Freedom of religion is under attack in Random Chaos!” declares Dr. Mordecai Bergman, who is bedecked in so many religious symbols that he can’t reach his stethoscope. “The government has made it obvious that they want to force doctors of faith to violate their conscience by performing procedures that go against deeply held beliefs, including the immoral act of abortion. It’s appalling to try and force anyone to choose between their job and their religion. Every doctor must be able to refuse to treat anyone if it would contravene their beliefs in any way, shape or form.”
  2. “Funny how those who have spent their lives discriminating are now crying oppression,” notes renowned feminist activist Ella Gutierrez, who once controversially remarked that she wished she had had an abortion, despite never having been pregnant. “The moment we give into their nonsense is the moment equality and civil rights are done away with. Religion doesn’t entitle you to refuse to do your job. I implore the government to ignore these whackos and fire anyone who uses religion as an excuse to discriminate.”
  3. “A-ha! I have the perfect solution!” interjects your Minister of Reasonable and/or Crazy Alternatives. “These doctors don’t want to perform abortions or other procedures? Fine, but we should always make sure women have safe access to these facilities should the need arise. I propose that we build fully-funded women’s health clinics in every hospital and community. We’ll staff them with certified pro-choice physicians and provide abortion, contraception and impartial advice. Some may not like their tax money going to this procedure, but these people only have themselves to blame.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most mothers are forced to quit their jobs to care for infants.

2021-12-16 15:00

Time for Paternity Leave, Say Dads

A coalition of working parents have put forward a petition that maternity leave laws should also allow new fathers time off.

  1. “What is this madness?” splutters well-known conservative Samus Smiley. “Think of the cost! And have you ever seen a man breastfeeding a newborn baby? I think not! You can’t change basic biology by throwing chips at it - this is one area where the women just have to face the facts.”
  2. “Offering different lengths of parental leave based on sex is discrimination!” yells well-known egalitarian Amelia Blofeld, pounding on your desk. “And it also disadvantages gay couples. Why shouldn’t a lesbian mother have time off when her partner gives birth? I say we offer both parents six months of fully paid leave, regardless of sex. It’s pricey, but it’s the only way to be fair. Oh, and parents who’ve just adopted can have it too.”
  3. “I agree that we can’t discriminate against gay and adoptive parents,” says your Minister for the Family, Elmo Hamilton. “But there’s a limit to how much of a burden we can place on employers. How about offering, say, six months of joint parental leave, and letting the couple divide it up how they want? That way families can find a solution that suits them, without costing the country too much.”
  4. “Are you trying to cripple our economy completely?” implores Kayla Normous, CEO of Money-Grabbers Ltd. “If people have children, that’s their own lookout! If you can’t afford to take time off work to raise your spawn, whose fault is that? All parental leave should be banned! We’re not heartless bastards, though. Of course momma can take a sick or vacation day, or maybe even two!”
  5. “There is another way, you know,” quietly suggests one of your advisers. “Young children need to be taken care of during the workday, but not necessarily by their parents. What if the government provided daycare for all kids until schooling starts? Parental leave would cease to be an issue. Of course, it’d cost a lot to take care of everyone’s kids, but I think it’s worth it to allow parents to work full-time guilt-free.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the judicial system legislates morality.

2021-12-16 10:30

Supreme Court Nomination

The death of 108 year old Supreme Court Justice Sashona Peña has created an opening on the bench. Below are the possible nominees.

  1. Anne-Marie Washington, the Former CEO of Random Chaos Products, says, “I have long sat by and watched our government viciously attack the big businesses in this country. The government has no right to control businesses and I will adopt that position in all of my judgements.”
  2. Reverend Eobard Davis is nominee #2. The Reverend says, “I am sick and tired of the liberals in this country ruining our family values. Every day they assault our basic sense of decency. You must vote for me to keep our families safe. Think of the children!”
  3. Gay Activist and former Senator Kendra Kumar is nominee #3. “Our people aren’t happy, we need more freedom, we need more civil rights. We must keep the government out of the bedroom. We must respect people’s right to privacy and remember that personal relations are just that, personal.”
  4. Environmental Activist Pete Ross argues, “Our government has been constantly violating Mother Earth and her rights, all our politicians talk about are civil rights, civil rights this, civil rights that, blah blah blah. We aren’t important, what is important is the Earth!”
  5. The last nominee is the retired Five Star General Virginia Adams. “We are ridiculed throughout the international community for our low quality weaponry, our police and military numbers are not sufficient. Our military must be protected from both constitutional and civilian oversight. They should be given money, and a free hand.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children as young as twelve are conscripted into the armed forces.

2021-12-16 03:00

Compulsory Military Service Under Attack

Concerned mothers and nervous school-leavers are petitioning the government to abolish compulsory military service.

  1. “Our children are forced to be trained to murder!” protests Fumiko Ono, chairperson of the Parents Against All Things Violent organisation. “For too long now the government has been snatching away our children and training them to become killing machines. This archaic practice must be banned at once! Sure, some of them could end up breaking into cars or terrorising old people, but hey, kids will be kids, right?”
  2. “What a preposterous idea!” scoffs Drill Sergeant Lars vanGogh. “The youth of Random Chaos has never needed the discipline provided by the armed forces more than it does today, and with all those rogue states out there we need all the recruits we can get! If anything, the government should lengthen the required service and drop the minimum age to something more reasonable.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens living in underground cities have developed a healthy green glow.

2021-12-15 22:00

This Land Was Made for You and Me

A recent government report revealed that Random Chaos is running out of land for its expanding population. An emergency meeting of your advisors has been called to decide the best course of action.

  1. “The solution is simple and something we should have been doing all along,” states your Minister of the Environment, Jyn Kimmel, “We have acres upon acres of land that is tied up in landfills. If we compost, compress, recycle, we can use the newly cleaned land to build eco-friendly housing developments. Yes, it’ll require a lot of funding, and there’s bound to be at least a little residual smell. People won’t be happy about it, but I guarantee they’ll be a damn sight happier than they’d be on the streets!”
  2. “Of course the enviro-nutjob wants to clean up the landfills, but that’s not the issue!” says your Minister of Finance, Ola Robinson. “Why spend all that money fixing up land that already has a purpose when we’ve got plenty of worthless national parks? We could start construction sooner, get people moved in sooner, and fix this problem sooner. We could even use the resources in the parks to furnish the houses. It’d give our timber industry a much-needed boost. I’m sure the hippies will moan about how that’ll destroy a bunch of ‘delicate habitats’, but it’s simply progress, Leader.”
  3. “You’re all not thinking this through!” yells the CEO of Yellowcake Depot, Theresa Zoidberg. “We’ve still got plenty of land. We’ve only used the top of it after all. Let’s expand our cities underground. Look at the perks: there’s plenty of space, they’ll naturally stay at a steady temperature, and — most importantly — think of all the untapped uranium ore down there! Talk about an economic boom! Sure, people might get a little depressed without the sun and there’s always a slight risk of a cave-in, but we’ll send down shrinks, sun lamps, and throw up a few extra buttresses to be safe.”
  4. “I have a much, much more palatable solution,” assures your Minister of Internal Expansion, rubbing his hands together greedily. “Let’s expand our coasts. How do we do that you ask? Simple, we reclaim it from the surrounding seas. All we need to do is build levees and dikes and pump out the water. It’ll take some serious desalinization and a constant, reliable power source to accomplish, but it’ll be worth it in the long run.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nobody draws smiley faces on receipts anymore.

2021-12-15 15:00

Tipping Point

While glancing down at your doughnut receipt and trying to calculate percentages in your head, you are reminded that many service-industry employees rely on tips to supplement their income. Recently, analysts have suggested that it is the tips themselves that create the low baseline wages.

  1. “Look, us restaurateurs don’t like gratuity-based economics either,” complains Bonifacius Clarke, proprietor of trendy inner-city eatery The Random Chaos City Pyramid. “In fact, we trialed going tip-free and incorporating the costs of a decent salary into the bill. Do you know what happened? We lost customers! A higher visible menu price, and the loss of the diners’ feeling of power, meant patrons went elsewhere! The only way to fix this is government legislation, banning tipping and regulating the industry. A national approach will level the playing field, which will be good for workers, and good for our profits.”
  2. “Hi, my name’s Gillian and I’m just tickled pink to be your coffee server today!” chirps a frankly stunning barista with a huge smile on her face as she hands you a perfect cappuccino with a marshmallow on top. “Leader, I don’t get paid a lot, but I’m more than happy to do what I can to earn your tips! It’s a great motivation to keep me working hard to make you, my customer, super-duper happy! And if good-looking ethnic-majority twenty-something tight-trousered folk like me end up earning a bit more than most, well that’s the wonderful thing about the free market! Roll the dice!!”
  3. “There’s definitely something in what she’s saying,” suggests your brother, tossing a few small denomination coins onto the counter, to the barista’s disappointment. “Maybe we could all learn from that. I reckon it’d be good if politicians had a tiny baseline wage too, but were allowed to earn tips by pleasing the people. Or at least, by pleasing the people that are willing to show their appreciation with cold, hard cash.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government officially wants you to slow down and speak more clearly.

2021-12-15 09:00

The Old Grey Matter

When newspaper The Random Chaos City Herald referred to over 65s as “society’s growing burden” and as “unproductive leeches”, there was outrage amongst the eldest generation. Looking to prove them wrong, a number of them have ganged together to create the Violet Hat Society - a gathering of retirees who are volunteering to contribute to the greater good. They’ve asked you how they can help serve Random Chaos.

  1. “I think we’ve got a lot to teach the younger generation,” says Violet Hat founder Cleveland Galavan, putting the finishing touches to an impressive watercolour landscape. “Perhaps we could set up an official Advice Service, to pass the wisdom of a life of experience on to the younger generation?”
  2. “Personally, I’ve always wanted to see Brancaland,” hints society member Indira McGuffin, packing a beige floral-print trolley-suitcase. “If the government could see its way to subsidising travel for the elderly, we could spread across the world and sing the praises of our homeland. It’d be good for the Free Land’s international image, and good for my tan. Win-win, right?”
  3. “If they really want to help, how about running some childcare for my rugrats?” asks working single dad Sean Stark, as he forks over 100 chips to a gum-chewing young lady that you presume must be his babysitter. “It’d mean people like me could get to work, and maybe even engage in... uh... social activities.” He gives a quick guilty glance at the high-heel wearing girl as she leaves.
  4. “Aren’t they lovely, these old gents and biddies?” asks thirty-year old Sonequa Brown, unaware how condescending this sounds. “No, no, we don’t need them to do anything! They’ve worked away and now they must retire and enjoy the sunshine. They can leave running the country to the young and healthy, while they go play bingo or work their allotments, or whatever it is that crusty old people like to do. Get these Purple Cap People - or whatever they call themselves - to form a working committee where they can debate with each other and keep out of everyone else’s way, then make a policy of ignoring whatever they come up with.”
  5. “If they’re healthy and capable, shouldn’t they be in the workplace?” asks tax-paying twenty-something Ayla Hawke. “Let’s do away with the idea of pensions and retirement, then they can keep contributing economically instead of spending their time pottering about, interfering with everything and asking their grand-kids when they’re going to settle down and stop traveling. Or something.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government officials go door-to-door educating about the dangers of pseudoscience.

2021-12-15 03:00

Prophet Margins

A recent national survey found that 40% of Random Chaosians regularly consult fortune tellers.

  1. “These ‘fortune tellers’ are nothing more than scam artists!” cries Michelangelo Hart from his soapbox. “This is clear-cut fraud and should be punished as such. They can’t see into the future! No one can! We need to arrest these crystal-ball reading hacks for the good of Random Chaos!”
  2. “Banning these fortune tellers only treats the symptom, not the disease, ” states your Minister of Education, Efthamia Oliver. “If our people are dumb enough to believe this hokum, then we’ve got a serious education problem. Clearly we need to increase our school budget and start an outreach program to stamp this problem out at the source. It’ll require more taxes, but the people need our help.”
  3. “I foresee a great eeeeeeeee-vil if you listen to these advisors,” moans Mystic Meg, a prominent fortune teller clad in bangles. “You are in great danger, Leader. GRAVE DANGER! You must ignore these naysayers, for they will certainly lead to your downfall! Obviously the government needs its own oracles to foresee catastrophe and guide us through troubled times.”
  4. “Consider the opportunity this presents, Leader,” says your chief counselor as he steps from behind the arras. “Almost half of the population believes this hoopla. We must encourage this new faith as much as possible. With a handpicked staff of prophets to forecast what we want and spies monitoring every freethinking opposition group, society will be yours for the taking.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader's family members carry literal get-out-of-jail-free cards.

2021-12-14 21:00

All in the Family

An unexpected letter sent by your estranged uncle was found on your desk this morning. In it, he details what he has been up to for the past several years. It abruptly concludes with him being arrested and imprisoned in Brancaland for a slew of criminal charges. These included selling diluted maple syrup, illegally hunting prized Brancalandian Geese for sport, and operating a business without a license.

  1. “I’m in a sticky situation,” writes your uncle. “I’ve been assigned to share a cell with a moonshiner named Cletus. His buck teeth are not pleasant to look at nor are his armpits pleasant to smell. I would be most obliged if you could use some of your diplomatic wrangling, such as threatening Brancaland with tariffs, to arrange for my release. Perhaps you could wire some money to my account to help me get back on my feet. After all, we’re family, and as the Brancalandian saying goes, ‘blood is thicker than maple syrup’.”
  2. The Brancalandian ambassador huffs into your office. “You must understand what a heinous crime your uncle committed. Our maple products are our national heritage and your uncle has completely disrespected that. He may be your family, but you must allow our criminal justice system to punish him as it sees fit. If you’d like, we can even give you a tour of the prison facilities to show that he isn’t being mistreated.”
  3. “This kind of sounds like one of those Tasmanian Prince scams to me,” muses your secretary. “Actually, that gives me an idea. Deny that he’s your uncle and write him off as a con artist trying to get out of prison. If we are to believe that ambassador, he won’t be in much actual danger there. Sure, he won’t be happy staying locked up, and neither will other family members now that I think about it. Then again, he broke Brancalandian law and I don’t want to risk losing my supply of Brancalandian goose down coats over this!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the gambler has a hungry look.

2021-12-14 15:00

Smoke on the Water

Through careful water sample analyses and rigorous modelling, experts have detected a shockingly large quantity of recreational drugs in the river near the site of the recent Steelstock heavy metal rock festival. These substances are thought to have come from the urine of festival-goers who peed in the fields rather than in proper toilets. This has caused significant harm to local wildlife, including the deaths of several critically endangered rare eels.

  1. “This is outrageous!” screams ecologist Margaret Bowman, slamming a jar of yellow-tinted river water in which a tiny eel is looking surprisingly chilled out. “Not only did these weirdly-adorned freaks ruin the grass with their mishing or mushing or whatever you call it, now they’ve ruined the water with their urinary doping! You don’t see this sort of thing at classical music or opera festivals, you know! We must ban public performances of degenerate youth music, for the sake of the little fishies!”
  2. “Ban Metal? I can give you six hundred and sixty-six reasons not to!” exclaims rock singer Tori Kayla, who is wearing a boiler suit and a leatherface mask for reasons unknown. “The issue isn’t the music, nor the fans. It’s the damned drug dealers, pushing their products in the festival. I’ve battled addictions myself, almost died from them. You gotta ban drugs at music festivals. Put money into police to help keep drugs out of the festivals, with gate searches, random checks, and the rest.”
  3. “Look, have you ever tried listening to Stoned Sour or Slapnut WITHOUT taking drugs?” asks mildly intoxicated music fan Sheldon Harman, waving around a bong that seems to be filling the room with an unusual floral odour. “The problem is that we need somewhere to go, and festival toilets... well, they stink! Force festivals to provide proper, adequate and clean facilities, then nobody will pee on the ground. Like this.” He turns to the corner of your room and demonstrates.
  4. “If I may make a suggestion?” sings the eel from the jar of water, as it floats into the air on a cloud of rainbows. “We fishes were the real victims here. My spawn have been muttering non-stop about amphibious bears coming to get them for the last week! What we need now is something to eat. Could you order a few thousand pizzas and dump them in the river, for me and my buds? Oh, and you should probably open a window in here. I think somebody might have started hallucinating.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, getting a haircut is a punishable offence.

2021-12-14 09:00

Saving Your Own Foreskin

Bill Chatwin, the fastest amateur swimmer in Random Chaos, recently acknowledged that his parents had him circumcised when he was younger for “aerodynamic purposes”. This has caused considerable debate throughout the Free Land, and people have taken to ambushing you while you’re out for your evening meal.

  1. “This is sick and wrong!” vents trilby-clad protester Jake Iglesias, flinging a copy of a news article strategically between you and your meal. “How can people think that mutilating diaper parts is okay? Religions and cults be damned. As you can read in this editorial, the paper’s resident doctor proves beyond doubt that non-necessary circumcision has a host of negative effects. It doesn’t matter that they’re a doctor of journalism and not urology; it’s basically the same thing. Bar emergency medical reasons, you must make circumcision illegal in all circumstances.”
  2. “Oy veh! Don’t get between me, my kid, and our religion!” blusters restaurateur Ariel Goldberg, admonishing the trilby-clad protester and knocking over your glass of water in the process. “This kibitzer has nothing but disdain for our way of life - or the right to privacy! There are many opinion pieces and medical papers on circumcision telling of positive effects and, for me personally, my religion demands it! Look, you’re a mensch, so I know you’ll allow circumcision to continue; and, more importantly, allow parents to decide on circumcision if the bubalas are too young.”
  3. “Hey now, there is room for compromise,” interjects Fumiko Pond, a cosmetic surgeon at a nearby table, as she pockets a butter knife to add to her collection. “You see, we could ban all elective surgical procedures until a certain age, and then let the patients themselves make informed decisions on whether they want these procedures or not. It will take some extra funding to actually teach kids about different surgeries, to be sure, but that should have no negative effects on the population. I hope. Nonetheless, you can’t put a price on informed decisions!”
  4. “You people are all rather annoying,” sighs Tim Wessex, your friend and dinner guest who has had to sit through the preceding debate while trying, at the same time, to eat currywurst. “Leader, do me a favor and teach these disrespectful intruders a lesson in etiquette. Make all body modification illegal. Yes, illegal - under all circumstances, medical need or no. That will show these three for daring to interrupt our lovely evening. On the bright side, it should also disrupt that awful ‘body-mod’ scene that is simply ... distasteful.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the consent form for routine blood pressure measurement has been nominated for the 'Novel Of The Year' award.

2021-12-14 03:00

Any Body for Science?

A group of Random Chaosian scientists have advocated loosening ethical regulations to allow scientists to perform research with live human test subjects.

  1. “Well, it is certainly difficult to find enough willing volunteers,” argues Dr. Nikita Mengele, who slinked into your office dressed in a crisp white lab coat. “Rare conditions such as Brancalandian Burps and Random Chaosian Habitancy can only be found in a few individuals, and more often than not they refuse to take part in our studies! We need the government to step back and let us researchers decide who should and should not be tested upon, for the sake of medical science!”
  2. “Don’t listen to her, Leader,” pleads Huckleberry Sandler, directing his cries towards your potted plant. “Doctor Mengele blinded me with her so-called research! This is what happens when scientists think that they can do whatever they want. Surely you cannot just forget about the idea of consent! If anything, you should require a fully detailed consent form for any kind of medical procedure or treatment. If any scientists don’t like it, just take away their funding.”
  3. “But what incentive would people have?” asks Melania Aran, taking a wallet and syringe out of her bag. “It’s obvious that testing on live subjects is a priceless opportunity, and that is exactly why we should place a price on it! Mandate that all participants should be paid, say, 5000 chips per day while they are undergoing tests. This stops low-rate scientists from going overboard, and it helps the poor. It’s a flawless plan!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens finish cleaning up after the annual National Treasure Hunt just in time for the next one.

2021-12-13 21:00

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Random Chaos

Eccentric millionaire Lance Moneypenny caused an uproar after he said that he hid a treasure chest filled with one million chips somewhere in Random Chaos City. Widespread trespassing and two deaths have caused great debate over whether the hunt should go on.

  1. “Excuse me, coming through!” booms Random Chaos City’s overworked Chief of Police, Robin Suparman, having roughly detained a teenager who was outside your door. “Look at this chaos! Can you imagine the logistical nightmare if this treasure hunt is allowed to continue? Thousands of people stampeding and tearing up Random Chaos City and rioting if they don’t win? If you care about the safety and security of your citizens, you should put an end to these shenanigans and heavily restrict treasure hunting so it complies with public safety standards.”
  2. “Hold on!” yells your Minister of Tourism as she rummages through your desk. “You can’t put an end to this hunt. The people clearly want it to continue. Everyone is happy, buying supplies, and generating profits for local businesses. In fact, this should be an annual tradition! That will really bring in the tourists!” She storms out of your office after realizing the chest isn’t there.
  3. As you finally relax in your chair, you are greeted by your Minister of the Environment Ásmunda Carey, who happened to be hiding behind your office plant. “I have a great compromise! Imagine if you had these treasure hunts in our great national parks! Picture the rush of people exploring and appreciating the great wilderness that Random Chaos has to offer, under supervision of course, all for the price of a ticket.”
  4. Your phone rings several times before you answer it. “Hello Leader,” says a distorted voice of indeterminate origin. “I can’t help but notice that there are some key government critics who are also searching for the treasure. Wouldn’t it be convenient if they got lost following some faulty clues?” You immediately hear a click and a dial tone.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, court cases mostly involve lawyers shouting questions at witnesses giving silent shrugs.

2021-12-13 15:00

Silence in Court

Suspected gangster Falala deGroot was recently called by the prosecution as a key witness in a high-profile murder case. However, once on the witness stand she refused to say a word, worried that her testimony might incriminate herself with regards to other unrelated crimes.

  1. “You can only incriminate yourself if you’ve done something wrong!” gruffly remarks prosecutor Jason ‘Obese Man’ McCabe, dragging his pet bulldog behind him. “If a witness is called to testify, they are obliged to do so, and to tell the whole truth no matter where that truth takes them. Failure to do so is contempt of court, and should in itself be subject to prosecution.”
  2. “It would be a serious injustice if the law allowed someone who, may I remind you, isn’t even on trial, to cut her throat with her own tongue,” rebuts defence lawyer Reese L. Woods, her pet chihuahua driving back McCabe’s canine with a flurry of yipping barks. “The privilege against self-incrimination should be one of the most fundamental rights under the Random Chaosian justice system and must not be abrogated under any circumstances.”
  3. “Who let these dogs out?” gravely asks Justice Bahamen, motioning for the court bailiffs to remove the offending animals. “Look, in my learned opinion, self-incriminating evidence should be inadmissible as evidence in future cases. We listen to what they say, but promise to forget whatever they’ve told us as soon as the case is over.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, administrative districts are increasingly defined by their taste in housing architecture.

2021-12-13 09:00

Blot Out Bauhaus?

Following his purchase of a large plot of land in the middle of Random Chaos City, Samuel Dada, the heir to a fortune made on the back of the tourism industry, has begun his conversion of the property into a vast and unusual mansion. Busybodies are in an uproar at the design, however, which they claim is everything from “out of social context” and “bizarre” to “just plain ugly”.

  1. “This monstrosity must be torn down immediately!” claims local harridan and book-club member, Dana Suparman. “The trees in the garden spell a frightening word from the balcony; and the tower looks like a - a - well, you know! Mr. Dada’s mansion may be his own, but the government must intervene in the name of taste and common decency. There should be a licensing organisation to approve all future renovations of buildings, lest we be plagued by these architectural abominations.”
  2. “Come on... it’s my house, fer chrissakes,” bemoans Mr. Dada, lounging on a sun-deck outside his home, elaborate cocktail and trophy-wife close by. “Surely I can do what I like to my own stuff? Like that time I painted my third car violet - that was cool, wasn’t it? Don’t you just hate it when someone bumbles over - I bet you know just what I mean - and starts tellin’ you what to do? Man, I hate that. So, look, right, let’s just go inside, have a drink, and forget this whole thing ever happened.”
  3. “Why is this even a national debate?” asks obviously strung-out and possibly hungover bureaucrat, Nate Capulet, mumbling, “It’s just a waste of time... Look. Whatever you do, you’re going to be unpopular. Why don’t you just dodge the bullet? Let local authorities decide - and even decide if it’s their job to decide. That way you don’t annoy anyone, and, hey, I’m sure there’s some bunch of local government advocates who’ll love you for it. Now. Can I go home? Please?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Welfare Programs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kindergartners' favourite dance move is the stop-drop-and-roll.

2021-12-13 03:00

Don’t Burn Baby Don’t Burn

Yesterday, a house in Random Chaos City caught fire while two young children were inside. Firefighters rescued the children, who were found hiding from the flames in a closet, before it was too late.

  1. “Children who are unfamiliar with fire instinctively hide from it,” says Fire Chief Gonzalez, holding up a weighty fire safety manual titled Fires: They’re Not Lit. “We’ve even seen situations where kids have hidden from uniformed firefighters. You should add fire safety to the national curriculum and provide grants for fire departments to visit schools so that we can teach kids how to escape fires.”
  2. “Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?” cries Stanislawa Morris, while ignoring her leashed-up toddlers who are sticking their slimy hands into your sweets jar. “If these kids were not left home alone, they would have never needed rescuing! Children should always be supervised by at least one adult guardian at all times who can rescue them from emergencies. It’s the only way to keep them safe. Also, parents should be charged with child neglect if their children are left unaccompanied.”
  3. “You know, a fire can’t get out of control when nothing in the house can burn,” says pyrophobe Barbara Taffs, decked out in a fire proximity suit and wearing a fire extinguisher on her back like a diving tank. “Just mandate that all, yes all, household objects be fire resistant. That way fires can’t spread as quick, and children will be less likely to face life or death situations... at least, not ones related to fires. Here, I’ve brought a new fireproof suit for you. You look good in yellow fluoro. Very slimming.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's no longer mandatory for armless amputees to own ironic side-arms.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

2021-12-12 21:00

Annie Get Your Gun

When mother-of-twins Annie Ward was held up at gunpoint by a mugger, she immediately surrendered all her cash and jewellery, rather than risk the lives of her ten-year-old boys. Shockingly, not only had she not attempted to use lethal force to defend her family, but she had also left her one and only shotgun on the kitchen table at home.

  1. “Owning a gun is compulsory for a good reason,” points out your Minister for Personal Defence, adjusting his H&K MP5K holster to stop it from catching on his backslung C14 Timberwolf sniper rifle. “But what’s the point in compulsory ownership if you don’t carry your weapon? As far as I’m concerned, failing to carry a proper deterrent makes Ms Ward culpable for inciting violence. Citizens have a duty to pack heat whenever they leave the home. An armed populace is a safe populace!”
  2. “I’m sorry, I just had so much stuff to carry with the kids’ spare clothes and snacks and school bags and all the rest,” weeps the deeply ashamed young mom. “I know I shoulda been packin’ heat, I know it, but it’s just so hard to do so every hour of the day! Have some mercy, guvmint man, and maybe put more gun-totin’ police on the streets to keep us safe when our hands are full.”
  3. “Where was the man of the family in all this, eh?” yells Jill Payne, before pausing as someone whispers in his ear informing him that the lady is a recent widow from gun-related street crime. “Oh... uh... right. But what about these two twins? They’re both the men of the family now, and morally responsible for protecting the weaker sex!”
  4. “Hrmm... Did we...?” wonders Minister of Bookkeeping Tabitha Dahl as she leafs through the statute books. “Oops, yes we did. Looks like we accidentally used the word ‘must’ instead of ‘may’ here when we made that last change to the law about firearm ownership. You want I should fix it again, like some sort of second amendment to the bill?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, what citizens give with one hand they take away with the other.

2021-12-12 15:00

The Walking, Talking, and Irritated Dead

Seven years ago Oliver King went missing after a yachting accident, and has since been declared officially dead. However, he recently re-emerged and came back to Random Chaos. Despite showing up in person to get his death certificate reversed, he found he could not do so. His mortician has come to complain to you on his behalf, as corpses aren’t allowed in the building.

  1. “It seems silly to me that my corpse... er, I mean patient, is still considered dead,” says Fumiko O'Leary, the mortician of Oliver King, as she pushes a gurney with a covered and very life-like mannequin on it. “If somebody who has been declared dead shows up and gets an examination, the doctor should be able to change their legal status to living.”
  2. The mannequin suddenly sits up, revealing itself to be Lars Vader, who was also declared legally dead after getting lost in the rain forests of Macronesia ten years ago. “Being dead isn’t all bad, I suppose. There are no taxes, my family got an insurance pay-out... I guess it’s kind of fun to be a ‘zombie’! You should just let me stay legally dead. People like me, who officially ‘don’t exist’, can’t claim any government benefits, so you guys get to save some money too.”
  3. “I may have made a mistake, but after seven years it’s reasonable to presume someone isn’t coming back,” states Rory Coleman, the registrar who made the death of Oliver King official. “Of course Oliver is still alive and should be registered as such. Therefore, his family should be made to return their insurance pay-out, and his last will and testament needs to be scrutinized to see if they received any other benefits from his death.”
  4. “You know, maybe Lars Vader is on to something,” says your Minister of Necromancy, Agatha Kasher. “Maybe we should create a task force of legally dead people to eliminate dissenters. We can deny their existence easily because they’re all dead, and if anybody tries to blow the lid off it, they’ll just sound like a crackpot who believes children’s stories!”
  5. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ZOMBIE!” screams your young and excitable niece. “KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!” Your sister comes in to try to calm the hysterical girl down, as she shouts over the screaming. “Seriously though, if the government says people are dead, they ought to ensure it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military has had its funding stripped back as the nation seeks a smaller role in international politics.

2021-12-12 09:00

I Spy a Diplomatic Crisis

Members of your intelligence service have captured a spy gathering information in the civil service. Your interrogators have learned that the man known only as ‘Solo’ is acting on behalf of the government of Outer Bigtopia, which denies all knowledge and involvement.

  1. “Shpies! There are shpies everywhere!” says Agent Rochelle Roll, checking the fruit bowl for bugs. “You can’t trusht these foreigners! They act all nice and local and then BAM! They’re away over the hill with military shecretsh. We should be keeping track of all of them with ankle braceletsh and wiretapsh to be sure they won’t betray ush!”
  2. “I don’t think we need to go quite that far,” says Secret Agent Adele Ford. “Our security is fine. We did catch him after all. The real question is how much did he tell the Outer Bigtopian government. If we send our own spies to gather intelligence and, in light of recent events, bolster the funding of the intelligence agency, then we can learn for sure the intentions of our enemies.”
  3. “And where will that get us?” asks Dirk McBoatface, one of your older, more bitter spies. “Spying them back won’t help us. If we send someone out there and THEY get caught what are we going to do? We should call those Bigtopians out on their scam and hit them where it hurts! Diplomatic sanctions will do for starters; we can throw those smug envoys out on their rear ends! Anyway, it’s almost certainly not just Outer Bigtopia up to these kind of shenanigans, we ought to keep all embassies under police surveillance. We risk all sorts of trade sanctions, true, but it pays to be careful.”
  4. “Do you realise what kind of havoc we would cause on an international level if we confront them about this?” asks Jill Solo, an ambassador to Outer Bigtopia over a secure satellite link. “No one need ever know this happened; officially that man doesn’t exist. Most nations have some sort of espionage programme; it’s nothing to raise a fuss about. We should just quietly execute Mr ‘Solo’ and move on.”
  5. “But what if he discovered the plans I’ve been assembling for the moon cannon project?!” asks Brigadier Niles Bowie, one of your more insane military officers in a hushed whisper. “It’s nothing official, something I’ve been doing in my spare time... but what if they’ve got wind of it? We could all be in mortal danger! We’ve got to commence construction right now! Our esteemed leader, do I have permission to get Project Lunar Apocalypse underway?”
  6. “Moon... cannon? Mortal danger? You’re off your rocker,” says General Flowers, scowling as he leafs through the budgets folder. “The reason we’re being spied on is because we’ve become so aggressive and militant! It’s only natural that other governments are going to check up on us. If we don’t want to get spied on then there should be nothing worth looking for. All we need to do is massively reduce military expenditure. If nothing else, it at least puts more money into people’s pockets than into the construction of glorified death machines.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaosian war navy contains an oddly large number of luxury yachts and cruise liners.

2021-12-12 03:00

Winning at Battleship

In an ongoing war that Random Chaos is embroiled in, your navy managed to capture something interesting: a huge but ageing battleship. You are now the arbiter of her fate.

  1. “She’s not likely to be a very useful military asset in this day and age,” explains shipyard director Cho Barry while putting some blue papers on your desk. “After all, she was pretty easily captured by our navy. But look at what she’s made of - seventy thousand tons of steel! Think how many cars you could make with that. Help us build ship-breaking yards on the shoreline of Random Chaos, and it’ll boost the coastal economy forever.”
  2. Admiral Graves, who coordinated the capture, has a different point of view. “Our navy has been sorely underfunded for years; this ship could be part of the boost we need. Back in the age of sail, navy captains who brought home prizes like this were rewarded and thereby encouraged to keep bringing home more prizes. Those ships would then be crewed, and made our fleet stronger! I think we should bring that system back in place so that our courageous sailors can expand our forces and prove themselves.”
  3. “Corals grow very well on iron,” comments environmentalist and hippie Matilda Mulcair, dumping her banjo and flowers for the occasion. “If we clean off all those horrible chemicals and oil residue, scupper it a few hundred metres off the coast, and divert shipping routes around its resting place, then we’ll have a nice, bustling reef within a few years! It really would be a poetic end for a weapon of war to become a bedrock of life.”
  4. “This old girl may not be battleworthy, but she’s still a piece of naval history,” gushes navy recruiter Steffan Tan. “As a museum ship in harbour, this awe-inspiring battleship will amaze folk from far and wide. It will remind us of our history as a proud military power, show people how outmatched our foolish enemies were, and encourage young people to feel the patriotic call of duty.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military parades quietly tiptoe their way through the streets.

2021-12-11 21:30

Concussive Percussion

While attending a performance by the Random Chaos City Philharmonic Orchestra last Thursday, 75-year-old baker Warwick Harman suffered an unexpected heart attack. Several music critics have attributed the death to the surprise of cannon fire used in the song “2012 Overture”, which the Orchestra was playing at the time. However, much opposition has been drummed up against the critics, and both sides have clashed just outside your office.

  1. “This could have been prevented, if someone hadn’t decided to include cannon fire in the performance!” presses Billy O'Hara, while he fumbles through a pile of sheet music. “We simply can’t allow this to happen again, and the only way to make sure of that is to ban any weapons from being fired during musicals and performances, and take a stern stance against overly loud music. Cannons are deadly!”
  2. “If anything, we should be encouraging the use of alternative percussion in music,” poises Georgina Usman, a renowned composer, while putting a fuse into a suspicious looking stick. “Take, for example, the crash cymbals. Whose idea was it to bang two pieces of metal together to make music? Boring! Nothing entertains an audience like explosions, gunfire, and the sounds of war. War... that’s it! We should bring in the military to give all musical performances an explosive touch!”
  3. “She has no idea what she’s talking about,” claims Leif Cole, speaking almost inaudibly. “Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you that a quiet, peaceful performance is one worth seeing. Like the crickets chirping, the birds tweeting, and the trees... treeing. I say we redirect some government funding to the musicians that make use of such natural and flowing sounds, to help preserve the fine predilections of the eardrum.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, late night adverts for breast milk co-ops regularly win pornography industry awards.

2021-12-11 15:30

In the Land of Milk and Money?

A recent survey from the Random Chaosian Directorate for Health showed that a growing minority of the nation’s women are having difficulties producing enough breast milk for their infants. Now a leading breastfeeding advocate has suggested a co-operative scheme in which nursing mothers share surplus milk with other mothers who are having difficulties, for a small profit.

  1. “It’s simple really,” says Jenna Iglesias, while scattering rose petals all over your office. “All kids should have a chance at the sweet nectar of a mother’s breast, and we’ll provide havens where mothers can share and receive in a relaxed environment. There’ll be velvet cushions, scented candles and mood music. And to facilitate the money part I’ve designed a coin-operated nursing bra that the girls can wear. Would you like me to demonstrate?”
  2. “This is a noble idea,” says Doctor Beth Pond, grey eminence of the national health bureaucracy. “Allowing this dissemination of milk will undoubtedly improve the health of our new baby citizens. However, clearly the government must handle this, as to secure proper hygiene and acceptable safety standards. Mothers can deposit their milk at approved facilities, and those lacking can apply for free rations through the appropriate channels. Let’s not talk of monetary compensation: that is distasteful.”
  3. “And why should this only be eligible for mothers?” counters Neil Wessex, noted libertarian who has embraced his Oedipus complex. “There is a wider market here, and we should acknowledge that. Who wouldn’t want breast milk with their cereal, or in their coffee? I know I would! No meddling regulations and restrictions, let milk and money flow free!”
  4. “Hang on a minute there,” yells Leia Dlamini, CEO of the infant formula company Got Milk Inc. “I just heard from a peg-legged homeless person that breast milk is a gateway drug to cannibalism, so maybe we’re better off without it? With some government funding, my company can provide enough tasty and nutritious formula for all of Random Chaos’s infants!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 100-year-old politicians are now a thing of the past.

2021-12-11 09:00

No Country for Old Men

After several incidents which resulted in the loss of millions of chips have been discovered to be caused by senility and feebleness, concerned financial and medical professionals are wondering if retirement should be made mandatory at a certain age.

  1. “It’s not really such a bad idea,” suggests Tyrion Sharp, your middle-aged medical adviser while checking your pulse to see if you’re still alive. “You see, when some people reach a certain age, they become too weak and mentally incompetent to do their job. Therefore, we need to impose mandatory retirement so our nation wouldn’t have to put up with things like that senile 95-year-old rickshaw driver who caused that day-long traffic jam on the highway. Of course, we mustn’t be cruel: we should also provide better pensions for them so they’ll be content in their dotage.”
  2. “Our age has nothing to do with the... uh... what was it... the wild gambler hybrids rampaging through Random Chaos City!” states bumbling security guard Byron Bautista, who didn’t hear the stampede of hybrids escaping the lab due to a malfunctioning hearing aid. “So you people think that just because we’re old, we can’t do our jobs? Well guess what? I’ve seen younger people who are more lazy, inefficient, and more... something than a sloth! Retirement and firing should be based on capabilities, not age!”
  3. “Why bother with retirement anyway?” asks Claudius Graves, a rather young basket weaving CEO whose employees consist mostly of his ageing relatives. “I mean, the only reason it exists is just so old people can laze around doing nothing, right? So why don’t we remove it altogether and make it so that people have to work no matter how old they are? Sure, incidents like that doctor who left his false teeth inside a patient might be more common than before; but that’s the price you have to pay for the sake of productivity.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids are taught in schools to argue with their parents.

2021-12-11 03:30

Just Plane Ridiculous

As of late, a growing number of Random Chaosian citizens are adopting the idea that the world is flat. After an all out brawl started in the typically level-headed Department of Geography, you’ve decided to call in experts on the matter to settle the issue once and for all.

  1. “It’s plain to see that the world exists as a flat plane,” claims amateur researcher Gyaltsen Garcia, playin’ with homophones. “I boarded a plane once, and I didn’t see the slightest bit of curvature on the plain below us as we flew over. The spherical earth theory is simply a global conspiracy by the so-called ‘sciences’ to flatly deny the truth of our planal existence. You should roundly denounce them and spread the word all around the earth!”
  2. “While we may not have the answers for everything, one thing we can be sure of is that the earth is definitely not flat,” states renowned geographer Malon McKinnon, absent-mindedly using a miniature globe as a stress-ball. “To deny this easily provable theory is the height of ignorance. We have to correct these illogical assumptions before anti-intellectualism takes root in our society. You must give us as many chips as we need in order to show flat-earthers that their beliefs are false.”
  3. “That still won’t convince them!” insists international celebrity scientist Will Zeke the Science Geek, brushing back the static of his hair. “These morons will only believe something if they see it with their own eyes. If we subsidise the space tourism industry, then any doubters will be able to go into orbit and gain a little perspective.”
  4. “So, does it really matter if a few adults reject science?” shrugs comedian Sayid Starkey, popping his head in through the window. “Let people say that the earth is round, or flat, or built on the back of a giant turtle named ‘Andreas’. It’s just one more source of easy jokes. But, still, you should probably increase the funding for school science classes... seriously. Adults can believe whatever they like, but they shouldn’t be left to screw up their kids’ heads.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, shelters struggle to keep up with the endless intake of stray animals.

2021-12-10 21:30

Gone a Stray!

A group of distraught high school girls has brought the problem of stray dogs and cats around Random Chaos to your attention.

  1. “There are too many strays just wandering around!” screams a concerned high school student as she feeds leftover scraps to a noticeably spooked mutt. “We need to gather all these poor animals and get them into a nice shelter where a loving family can adopt them and take care of them - whether they want them or not.”
  2. “No! No more animals, please!” begs animal shelter director Ksenya True as she struggles to latch a cage full of cats. “Look, I love these fluffballs as much as the next guy, but we just can’t handle any more. We’re up to our ears in animals! The problem isn’t with the strays, it’s with irresponsible pet owners not spaying and neutering their pets. It’s high time we required everyone to fix their pets. Do that and this problem will disappear.”
  3. “These animals deserve to be free!” screeches Falala Clarke, a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything. “They found a home in the back alleyways and dumps. Who are you to take them away from their homes, tame them and make them your slaves? They don’t exist for your entertainment. We must free all of the animals!”
  4. “Let’s not get hasty here,” interrupts Major Burns while polishing his oak leaves and war medals. “Now these animals could be of use to the police here and overseas with our brave soldiers. There are plenty of jobs that simply aren’t suited to our patriotic boys in uniform. Yes, plenty of dangerous jobs. It’s not like these strays are going to be missed. And at least we’d be giving them hot meals and a dignified purpose!”
  5. “One bullet each should do the trick,” bluntly states a mustachioed local-government employee while loading a revolver. “Problem solved.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, punk rockers smash it up and then clean it up.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the ongoing space elevator construction project has elevated the national debt to all new levels.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, postcards from Random Chaosian driving test centres are popular souvenirs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gossip magazines are more interested in astrological stars than celebrity ones.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hostage-takers offer loyalty scheme points for prompt payment.

2021-12-10 15:00

Ransoms Noted

Five Random Chaosian journalists were captured and taken hostage by violent extremist rebels in unstable southern Maxtopia, and the captors are demanding a million chips per hostage for their safe return.

  1. “These brave souls need to be brought home safely!” wails Björn Räikkönen, father to one of the journalists. “We can’t afford that sort of money, but you, the government can! Show some heart, Leader, and don’t stand in the way of my son’s freedom.”
  2. “If they’re looking for money, they should know that we don’t have it to give to them,” argues former intelligence operative Neil Liamson. “But what we do have is a particular set of skills acquired over many years in government... I’m talking about reactionary counter-terrorist legislation! Let’s make paying ransoms a felony, and use the hostage situation to justify an increase in domestic surveillance and security. As for this situation, send in the special forces. We don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
  3. Wild-haired scientist Jared Wright barrels into your office, panting heavily. “Stop! We CAN have our cake and eat it too! We should make the drop, but insist on cash payment. Then, we contaminate the bank-notes with radioactive material, and watch as the hostage-takers, their associates and their families die from radiation poisoning. That basically solves the problem!”
  4. “You know, one of the hostages is the son of one of our closest media allies...” murmurs Monica Egan, one of your policy advisors. “Can’t we publicly take a firm stance against terrorism, but privately strike a hush-hush deal with the terrorists? We can trade arms to them on the quiet, and they can make sure that they don’t hurt anyone important.”
2021-12-10 15:00

The Queen in Yellow

An undergraduate medical statistician has stumbled across a weird occurrence: three of the five actors involved in a theatrical piece called The Queen in Yellow, as well as over ten percent of the members of the opening night audience, have since received diagnoses of various psychiatric illnesses. The media have picked up on this, labelling it “the play that sends you mad”, and predictably ticket sales are now skyrocketing.

  1. “I, uh...” stutters Cassilda, a former actress in the play, dismissed for ‘creative differences’. “I, uh, cth... think you fh... should stop the sh... show. My dreams haven’t been right since I was in the pl... play. The strange m-moon, the sh-shadows lengthen...”
  2. “Selective reporting!” shouts mathematics professor Camilla Whateley. “It’s like when they claimed that fighter jet pilots were having more female children, all over again. You need to learn how selection bias and basic statistics work. More to the point, the nation needs to learn how these things work. I’d suggest making stats a compulsory part of a properly funded core school curriculum. 85.7% of the seven statisticians I surveyed agree this is a good idea. The other guy, he’s just an annoying smelly little...”
  3. “But...” interjects an excitable stranger with a queer narrow head, a flat nose and bulgy, starry eyes. “But this is the most important theatrical production since Shoggoth on the Roof! Please accept these free tickets from us devoted fans, then personally endorse this wonderful play.”
2021-12-10 15:00

Which Right Is Right?

A long-awaited undersea tunnel linking Random Chaos to the island nation of Albionia has been completed — and motorists are rejoicing, or would be — if it weren’t for the fact that Albionia drives on the opposite side of the road. Whilst the changeover happens easily, foreign motorists arriving in Random Chaos sometimes get confused over which side to drive on, leading to an increase in accidents.

  1. “I’ve had a vision on how to solve this,” states Naki Harel, your Transport Minister, as she places a name-tag holder around your neck. “We just need to erect more signage and road markings telling people to drive on the Random Chaosian side of the road. This simple and economic measure will remind motorists which nation they are in, and the accidents will cease.”
  2. “These Albionians are a bunch of nincompoops and a few signs won’t stop them from driving on the wrong side,” complains traffic warden Tybalt O'Bannon, who’s notorious for yelling at motorists. “I mean, I caught an Albionian going the wrong way around a roundabout. How do you even do that? Everyone knows that if you drive on the left side of the road, go clockwise, and if you drive on the right, go anti-clockwise. Signage won’t help. We need to ban Albionians from driving here until they pass our driving test.”
  3. “I have the solution... again,” declares Bryson Ungar, your Minister of Creative Solutions, as he uses one of his shoes as an impromptu drinks holder. “Why don’t we just make all our roads one way? Then it doesn’t matter which side of the road you drive on, nor which side the steering wheel is on. It only matters in which direction you travel.”
2021-12-10 15:00

No Small Wonder

With economic growth skyrocketing and Random Chaos’s prosperity rising, prominent business leaders have come to you with proposals to construct a national wonder as a symbol of these successes.

  1. “To mark this golden age,” declares Leo Tallstoy, CEO of Sky High Company, sitting upright with high hopes, “I suggest we build the tallest building in The Hatrackia! Not only can we finally snatch that tallest building record from the United Federation, but it will break whatever doubts our citizens have about Random Chaos’s future! It will boost the economy and will be a good source of morale and patriotism. When aiming high, nothing’s worth the sky!”
  2. “Why not aim just slightly higher?” asks Anais Skywalker, CEO of Colossal Works Industries, while putting an arm around your shoulder and pointing to a hole in your ceiling you hadn’t noticed previously. “Instead of the conventional skyscraper, we could build a space elevator? We have enough money, resources, and initiative to make sure our Free Land is the first to develop one! We’ll need to overcome some tricky technical challenges, but such is the burden of the true pioneer! It’ll benefit us in space exploration, and that will serve to strengthen the legacy of our golden age!”
  3. “Have you ever heard of the saying ‘too tall to fall?’” inquires Hugh Mongo, another CEO of a large construction company, who barely fits through your doorway. “Or was it ‘too big to fail?’ Anyway, I think that the answer to mark Random Chaos’s successes is not with something tall, but great. And by great, I mean wide, like a ziggurat or a pyramid. It’s waaay safer than some thousand-story death trap, but it will last for thousands of years without any expensive maintenance. How’s that for a fair bargain?”
  4. “Psh,” scoffs Julia Morricone, one of your more casual advisers, as she rolls her eyes. “It’s true that Random Chaos has reached its zenith, but there is such a thing as modesty. In fact, we could very well do with regulations on the tall and big buildings we already have instead. They are symbols of arrogance, acrophobia... and suggestive imagery. Have you ever seen what the Random Chaos City Building resembles from a certain angle?”
  5. “What’s with Random Chaos’s obsession with making things all big and futuristic? Compensating for something?” mocks Cassandra Taffs, a gaudy Marche Noirian artist-architect. “In Marche Noire we pride ourselves on our spectacular construction projects, some of which are still standing after a thousand years. Our buildings have an ageless and classical beauty to them as opposed to your modern monstrosities. Take a look at our majestic Maxmillia Familia. Granted it’s been under construction for a hundred years, but it’s a far sight prettier than anything proposed here. Take a lesson from the pros, people.”
2021-12-10 15:00

Down in the Groove

The literary world has been up in arms since the Gambler Prize, the most prestigious award for writing, was awarded to Random Chaosian rock star Dylan Roberts. This controversial honour has caused many to reconsider how literature should be taught in schools.

  1. “This is a disgrace to the arts,” remarks professor Julius Rolfe, while taking a break from violently crossing out entire paragraphs from a pile of essays he is grading. “It is preposterous that a prestigious award should go to such an undeserving person. His lyrics, which contain improper grammar, slang and profanities, should not be taught in schools. Only proper literature - novels, essays and poems - should be considered appropriate material for the curriculum. The education system must encourage children to read books and poems, not listen to ‘pop’ music.”
  2. “What?” says teenager Olivia Roll, while taking off her headphones. “Oh yeah, Dylan Roberts is totally cool. He’s, like, inspiring too. Last night, he inspired me to write a song. It’s called ‘Like a Tumbling Boulder’; wanna hear it?” Looking disappointed by her would-be audience’s insistence on not hearing the song, she resumes. “We should definitely learn more about rock sta... I mean, song lyrics in schools. Songs are like poems, except way less boring.”
  3. “Have you heard some of these songs?” questions Waylon Ford, your Minister of Education. “Many of Dylan Roberts’ songs express anti-government themes and encourage the youth of Random Chaos to do illegal things. We cannot allow these messages to exist any more. The government must take control of the music industry, censor anything that encourages illegal activity, and punish those who flout the law.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Patriotic.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, promising seven years of bad luck leads to seven years of community service.

2021-12-03 20:30

A Dread Letter

Today, among your mail, a black envelope with a pentagram on it caught your eye. You opened the envelope, and the letter inside said: “Blessed Chosen One, I am happy to inform you that you have just been granted the Opportunity to Change Your Life. The magnificent energy of the cosmos is waiting to surround you. If you copy this letter and send it to 100 other people, you will be granted ONE HUNDRED blessings for ONE HUNDRED days. But! If you spurn these gifts — YOU will be CURSED FOREVER. Choose wisely!”

  1. “This is a disaster!” whimpers your secretary Cindy Grossweiner, looping her four-leaf clover pendant around your neck and knocking on your wooden desk repeatedly. “I had a friend in elementary school who failed to pass on a chain letter she received, and she came down with terrible chickenpox afterwards. This is no joking matter, Leader. You should immediately start making copies and sending them out if you want to protect yourself from harm.”
  2. “I’d bet my bottom chip that this is just another teenage prankster,” muses police officer Hosea Nagasawa, inspecting the envelope with a magnifying glass to check for fingerprints. “But we ought not let this scoundrel waste your precious time with this nonsense. Grant my department permission to track down and punish the senders of anonymous letters composed with the criminal intent to frighten or defraud.” He tosses the letter to one side, accidentally knocking a small mirror off your desk.
  3. “If anything, this shows you’re not taking your personal security seriously enough, Leader!” yells bodyguard Megan Tesla, a former army officer, who has perused the letter and is now patrolling the vicinity. “What if that scumbag had sent anthrax in that envelope? Or what if someone had sent you a bomb in a gift parcel? You should mandate that all mail in Random Chaos should be sent in see-through bags. Those who have nothing to hide cannot object to full transparency.”
  4. “Holy gambler! I can’t believe we spent an entire morning discussing a stupid chain letter!” chortles Steve Chekov, your Minister of Underhanded Solutions. “But, if these letters are so unsettling, this gives me a brilliant idea. Why not produce different versions of such dreadful letters and send them to our political opponents? Distracting them in this way could be a good strategy for psychological warfare.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens who leave the nation for work are instantly charged with treason.

2021-12-03 14:30

Foreign Tax Credits Leave Film Industry Reeling

More and more Random Chaosian film studios are turning to Brancaland due to the generous tax credits of the picturesque coastal city Maxhoover. Industry representatives and local patriots alike have prompted calls for action.

  1. “CUT!” shouts controversial film director Paris Abbott, known for her unapologetic patriotism and xenophobia, who is coincidentally filming a scene in your office. “Leader, if I may be frank, why don’t we punish these unpatriotic hacks? They show a complete lack of respect for our culture and take jobs away from hardworking citizens. Can’t you put these people on some sort of watchlist and create some sort of committee to assess their loyalty to Random Chaos?”
  2. “What is it about these debates that always attracts crazy extremists?” sighs Woody Fox, the mayor of a lakefront city in Random Chaos. “As much as I’d love for my city to be the face of the film industry, how can we blame these studios for going over to Brancaland? They offer generous tax credits, their people are friendly, and their environment is ranked as one of the best in the world. What we should be doing is offering tax credits of our own to encourage film crews to shoot movies and shows right here at home. Oh, and would it kill you to help us clean up the city? The streets and parks are littered with trash!”
  3. “There’s no need to get your unmentionables in a twist aboot this,” suggests eccentric Brancalandian talent agent Mike Shatner with long pauses between his words. “I’ll have you know that actors are one of Brancaland’s primary exports. In return we offer tax credits and the best studios that money can buy. Unless you want to risk damaging your country’s relationship with Brancaland and deny your people some quality acting, like the award-winning Spit Leader Says, I suggest you make it easier for studios to choose Brancaland over Random Chaos. By the way, was that a great impression of you, or what?”
  4. “I would like to suggest that we advertise Random Chaos to a classier audience,” remarks snooty independent film director Colin McClaine while sipping on a glass of Brancalandian Red. “You don’t want the riffraff making Random Chaos look like a bunch of uncultured hicks with explosions and gore-fests, do you? With generous investments in the industry, we can attract the right audiences and weed out the boorish undesirables. You could even host yearly film festivals in Random Chaos City to encourage more people to film in our exquisite city!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, reinventing the wheel is a favourite pastime of Random Chaosian weapons designers.

2021-12-03 08:30

An Armory of Antiques

After furtively photographing a massive military parade in Blackacre, your spies have returned with blurry daguerreotypes of the strangest of war machines. These include large bombs that can take to the air without any visible pilot, aircraft that have no propellers, and rifles that can fire many times without reloading. Concerned generals and army scientists have met to discuss the clear technological edge many nations seem to have over your own.

  1. “It’s quite obvious what the issue here is,” says Kristen Morricone, famed designer of the Mk 1 Gambler, a Random Chaosian ironclad tank nicknamed the ‘sardine cooker’ by its crews. “We badly need more great minds in R&D, as it is quite clear that we are currently a little bit behind in war technology. If we can provide higher wages and more incentives for weapon designers and military research, I’m sure that in no time at all we’ll have our very own high tech armaments!”
  2. “This is a clear indication that we should stick to the old ways,” counters retired General Swift, by telegram. “If we add all these fancy new thingamajigs to our military, our soldiers will become soft! In fact, we should get rid of flying machines and armoured carriages, and focus on what really makes us powerful: spirit, courage, strength, and regiments of ten thousand men standing in a line firing muskets! Just like in the good old days.”
  3. “Personally, I see this in a different way,” says a fashionable man wearing a blue cashmere lounge suit and matching beret, who is lounging on your windowsill. “Instead of wasting money on an ineffective military, why don’t you shrink the army and spend that money on new ways for people to enjoy themselves: parties for all-comers, new cocktails, new nibbles, and so on. Heck, we should just forget about fighting wars, and focus on what really matters: being the go-to party nation of The Hatrackia.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the mood of raunchy movies is often ruined by the sound of babies crying.

2021-12-03 02:30

Curtains for the Horrorshow

After last week’s highly anticipated release of the new horror movie “Scary Dream on Fifth Street”, reports have been coming in that movie theaters across Random Chaos City have been allowing children as young as five to watch the film despite the recommendation of ratings boards that the film is suitable only for adults.

  1. “Oh, the horror!” exclaims Rochelle Cheyney, president of watchdog group Mothers For Kids’ Safeguarding. “The parts with the eating of the brains, the horrible mutilations, that policeman with liberal politics... it was so gut-churningly disgusting, even I stopped watching! These children will be scarred for life! It’s time to crack down on movie theaters that are harming our younger generation: everyone, without exception, must provide proof of their age, and any who allow children to watch films rated for adults should be fined and prosecuted!”
  2. Seven-year-old Rosalia Janeway has seen the movie in question and disagrees. “I liked the film. I especially enjoyed the part where the zombie tore off the man’s arms. My mommy says that because I’m a kid, I shouldn’t see this movie, but I think the ratings aren’t really rules. They’re just someone’s advice, right? Some of us children are really smart and are totally not as easy to influence as grown-ups think. And if you disagree, then... then... **** you, I’ll KILL YOU, you ****ING *********! RAAAAAARGH!” Security drags her away as she claws at their eyes.
  3. “Who needs these kinds of movies in the first place?” asks your grandmother, drinking tea and reminiscing about her younger years. “Back when I raised your parents we didn’t have so many scary movies, and look how they turned out. The people who make the movies in the first place should have to test them in front of a young audience, and if even one kid gets scared or upset, the film should be banned. We can’t have these awful films being seen by the public, can we?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Rifkin Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the McKinnon Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Fitzgerald Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Young Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Hansen Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Vader Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Longfellow Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Fields Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Washington Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Turnbull Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Popov Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Golightly Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Kwan Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Dahl Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Benteen Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Scheer Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Sajak Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Watson Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Sullivan Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Adams Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Robinson Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Jackson Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Bergman Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Meyer Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Wu Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Ephron Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Song Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Gutnick Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Ho Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Juran Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Fellow Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Dovey Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Columbus Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Edwards Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Rolfe Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Shewhart Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Wynne Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Barnes Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Goff Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Gaudí Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Nimoy Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Perkins Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Boothroyd Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Stewart Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the McCloud Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Krustofsky Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Beckham Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Longbottom Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Rhee Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Ponta Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the statue in the Caldwell Plaza has a solar panel for a hat.

2021-12-02 20:30

A Green History Lesson

Inspired by the message of environmentalism, Gore al-Vidal — the latest scion of an old family — decided to install solar panels on his home. However, his house is also the centuries-old Summer Palace, a world-famous and highly-prized example of 18th-century Random Chaosian architecture.

  1. “Well, I say Leader, this is all fuss over nothing,” asserts al-Vidal, while inspecting the nutritional information on the side of a green juice box. “The world will be a wonderful place once everyone pitches in to save the environment. These solar panels cover all the electricity and heating needs of my sixty bedroom ancestral home. I think your government should follow in my footsteps! Put solar panels on every government property to show the world that we mean to take a stand against climate change! Think of the future!”
  2. “Simple vandalism, that’s what this is,” rages Professor Ethel Osborne, a lecturer in Enlightenment history, putting her fist through a priceless stained glass window as she waves her arms around in anger. “This palace is a unique structure, with key architectural experiments in its design. To cover up the world famous tile-work would be an eyesore and an irreparable blow to historical preservation! You must maintain a list of culturally significant locales that cannot be tampered with, for the sake of posterity. Think of the past!”
  3. “Wait, why is an entire property of this size being powered and heated for just one resident?” asks egalitarian socialist Ken Vargas, as he rearranges the documents on your desk into eight stacks of exactly equal height. “We should seize this and other oversized homes as state property, and reassign the living space on a fairer basis to house the homeless. Let’s face it - this wealthy landowner’s ancestors got their wealth through exploitation and violence. Meanwhile, there’s poor people living on the streets, right now! Think of the present!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's normal to start working life with crippling financial debt.

2021-12-02 14:30

Students Demand Financial Aid

Students from many universities in Random Chaos are protesting about the rising financial cost of studying at university and are demanding that the government provide more financial aid to students.

  1. “We need money now,” screams Monica Collins, a student from one of the top-achieving universities in Random Chaos. “All these tuition fees are just too much! I need that money to spend on books, study materials, accommodation, and alco- well, uh, you get the gist of it. All these fees are doing is preventing people from poorer backgrounds achieving their potential. The government ought to pay for all university expenses. After all if nobody went to university where would all the doctors and teachers come from?”
  2. “OH GOD NO THE EXPENSE!” screeches Tsongba Keating, your Minister of Education before eventually calming down. “No, no. This is not a good idea. Do you know how high the tax rate is already without introducing something like this? We should be making tuition fees higher if anything. University is a privilege, not a right, and only the elite should be allowed within those walls. And by elite, of course, I mean rich.”
  3. “These young people are the greatest resource our nation has,” says Brian Reyes, a famous demographer. “If you’re going to discourage them from going to university then you’re cheating our nation out of its potential. What I suggest is government-funded loans to students from poor families. That way we can have the best of both worlds without the expense. Admittedly, some may still not be able to afford it but there’s no pleasing some people.”
  4. “Why bother with universities anyway?” asks refuse collector Gretel Yates. “These students could be working and earning a living instead of wasting time and money learning things with no point whatsoever. Who needs to know about ancient Maxtopian poetry, huh? Who would hire you for that? There are plenty of jobs out there, so why don’t they go and get one? I’ll tell you why: it’s because they are lazy. I propose the government withdraw all support for universities in Random Chaos, so people instead go get a job after they leave school. With all the money saved we can have a well-deserved tax cut too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens must pay to enjoy Random Chaos's pristine beaches.

2021-12-02 09:30

Get Efficient, Private Sector Tells Nature

A group of prominent business identities has proposed privatizing Random Chaos’s beaches.

  1. “Have you been to the beach lately? It’s disgusting,” says company spokesperson Jean-Paul Grant. “There’s litter, there’s teenagers smoking, and there are people enjoying themselves without paying for it. Let the private sector in on this, and Random Chaos’s beaches will be the talk of the region! And a nice little earner, too.”
  2. “Whoa, whoa, we’re privatizing beaches now?” says local campaigner Naomi Mulcair. “These are public spaces! All Random Chaos’s citizens have a right to enjoy them, not just the well-off. Yes, we should improve the quality of our beaches, but handing them over to the money-grabbers is not the right way to do it. The right way to do it is to boost government spending by increasing taxes.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mining safety laws are often more expensive than what's being mined.

2021-12-02 02:30

Mine Collapse Rocks Random Chaos

A mine has collapsed in Random Chaos burying hundreds of workers. Calls have been made by the families to tighten up mining safety laws.

  1. “We need tighter laws to protect vulnerable miners!” moans Jadzia Krustofsky, a family member of one of the victims. “The mines are being propped up by twigs, the hard hats might as well be made of polystyrene, and the inspectors are all bribed! New laws must be made and the people responsible for allowing this to happen brought to justice.”
  2. “These allegations are ludicrous and unfounded,” says Murat Rose, CEO of the South Random Chaos Mining Company. “We use the finest twigs to build our mines and the last thing we need is the government tying us down with yet more rules. More safety laws means more expense means less profit and less profit means companies will look elsewhere to get their goods. You should leave us alone before you destroy thousands of jobs - do you really want that on your conscience?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is firmly believed that cameras steal souls.

2021-12-01 20:30

Mice in the Walls

After a police raid discovered an entire load of smuggled peripheral devices and computer components hidden in the plasterboard walls of an abandoned warehouse, various groups have demanded to repeal the ban of computers.

  1. “When you outlawed computers you didn’t realise what you were doing!” argues Karl Lewis, hugging an illegal laptop protectively. “These are essential machines for business! For communication! For culture! For internet po... posterity! If you’ve got any sense you’ll repeal this ridiculous ban.”
  2. “Pfft, citizens with computers indeed,” says Palutena Schwarzenegger, your Minister of Records, while riffling through a cetacean-sized pile of paperwork and ringing phones. “What a preposterous idea. But as Random Chaos grows, so do our problems. There is too much data to record, too many records to keep, and too many keeps to earn. We need to allow the government - and only the government - access to computers.”
  3. “Well, I suppose we could allow some leeway,” says Winston Baldwin, your Minister of Proper Thinking. “Computers are handy for some things after all. But we should ban the internet outright - it’ll only give them ideas.”
  4. “Don’t you remember why we got rid of those devil machines in the first place?!” growls Cleveland Glover, flicking beads on an abacus. “First it’s all fun and games with things like ‘pixels’ and ‘folders’ but eventually they’ll rise up against their masters and reduce us to slaves! Banning computers was a good start, but it’s time we focused on eradicating all automated technology and focus on the handcrafts like basket weaving and carpentry.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, warfare increasingly resembles a video game.

2021-12-01 14:30

Droning On and On

A Random Chaosian drone strike in the hinterlands of Tasmania has successfully killed an infamous terrorist, Mad Max, notorious for assassinating your predecessor. However, collateral damage butchered dozens of innocent bystanders, outraging the international community.

  1. “These pinkos just love to make the worst out of positive situations,” moans Lieutenant Montezuma Gray, who oversaw the drone strike from the comforts of Random Chaos City. “Sure, some civilians were injured, but we managed to kill that psychopathic criminal. Had he survived, who knows how many more innocents he would have killed? Drone strikes are not only far more efficient than land invasions, but they also save the lives of Random Chaosian pilots. If anything, the military deserves a much bigger budget to research new innovations like semi-autonomous stealthbots.”
  2. “Does anyone care what we have to say?” asks the Tasmanian ambassador, Stanislawa Mullins, rallying in front of assorted pacifists. “You have no business intervening in our lands; let Tasmania control what happens in her borders! Imagine how you would like it if we started drone striking your streets. It’s time for Random Chaos to back off and let nations settle their own problems. If Random Chaos wants to help, reparations for the grieving families would be a lot more appreciated than more robot assassins patrolling the skies.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, education is transforming people into first-rate snobs.

2021-12-01 09:00

Museums: Things of the Past?

A televised news exposé on the public’s shocking ignorance of national history was almost thwarted when journalist Murray Shafer couldn’t find any visitors to interview at the Museum of Random Chaosian History. The report instead aired as a folksy monologue. Within sixty minutes, your office was besieged by all kinds of people who claim to have found the perfect solution.

  1. “The younger generations are bored with the current offerings,” says recently-graduated psychologist Siddhartha Räikkönen, as he looks up from his phone for a split second. “When I visit the Museum of Random Chaosian History, I don’t just want to stare at some ancient objects. What we really need is interaction, and the best way to provide this is through technology. Children are more eager to learn when you use video clips and games to explain history. Imagine being chased by holographic velociraptors at the Museum of Natural History! That would be money well spent, in my opinion.”
  2. “The real problem is that the average adult appears to have forgotten everything they learned in school,” asserts self-proclaimed aristocrat Arcturus Woolf, while swinging around his wine glass and staining your carpet. “In fact, most people seem completely ignorant of whether Random Chaos even existed before you became our leader! How can you expect them to visit museums without an appreciation for history that is repeatedly inculcated throughout their lives? We need to increase government funding for ongoing adult education before expecting the common people to enjoy visiting a museum.”
  3. “How can you expect anyone to visit Random Chaosian museums?” asks Erica Edwards, who entered your office in search of the nation’s only wi-fi connection. “Face it. Random Chaos doesn’t have any interesting museums. The Museum of Regional Geography? The Historical House of Hammers? The Gallery of Tourism? Come on! The fact of the matter is, the museums are boring. There’s nothing but mundane themes, dull exhibitions, and tiresome pieces. Let’s build some new, up-to-date museums with things we’d all like to see.”
  4. “Why bother?” moans known troublemaker and small-government enthusiast Karl Looney, who managed to slip past security. “Museums are a waste of time and a symbol of stolen taxpayer money. Let’s just get rid of them all. No one cares about some dusty old things in cabinets. They distract from real matters, like the fight against oppression by the government. WAKE UP PEOPLE! FREE YOURSELVES!” He continues shouting as security drags him away.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the mummified remains of former kings are apparently discovered every time a tourist loses their wallet.

2021-12-01 02:30

The Jaws of a Dilemma

After a series of fatal attacks by gambler sharks on swimmers during prime vacation time, a debate has arisen over how to respond to the finned danger.

  1. “My sister was seriously hurt in one of the attacks,” says Lucina Bautista, waving a surfboard with a large chunk bitten out. “Okay, while that isn’t the worst possible outcome, these gambler sharks are here and are very hungry. We need to properly protect the beaches from them. Guard boats! Shark watchers! Sonic deterrents! It might be expensive, but it’s better than serving us up as a smorgasbord, right?”
  2. “Oh, no, no, we can’t have any of this,” pleads local Mayor Samde Vaughn, pulling at your sleeve for attention. “If you so much as mention the s-word, we’ll have panic on our hands at peak holiday season, and cancellations coming out of our ear-holes! We’re a summer town, and we need summer chips. Tell them it was a boat accident, that it’s a beautiful day and that the beaches are open. Then talk about something else - anything - to distract their attention, and remind them why Random Chaos is The Hatrackia’s number one tourist destination!”
  3. “It’s not the gambler SHARKS that are the problem,” pointedly declares Allen Mulder, causing the Mayor to wince. “It’s the people! The government should protect the sharks from the beach-goers and industries that steal their food and habitat, forcing them to come closer to humans. The sharks were there first! Just put ‘No Swimming’ signs along the beach.”
  4. “These gambler sharks offer us an opportunity,” says Elizabeth Tano, your Minister of Tourism, poring over plans for oceanfront tourism development. “Think about it. How much are people willing to pay to see sharks up close? It’ll surely attract tons of new visitors to our beaches and aquariums, and we could make a fortune from cage diving. Sure, some people might get chowed upon, but it’s for the experience, you know?”
  5. “Seems like you got a shark problem on your hands,” nonchalantly mutters Quant, a rugged fisherman and captain of the Okra, caressing a harpoon gun. “I’ve been fishing on the Random Chaosian Bay since before I could walk, I served on the S.S. Random Chaos City that sunk. I’ve seen these sharks up close; they’ve got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. I’ll take care of your shark problem, so long as I get paid handsomely. But I’ll need a bigger boat.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people are often woken up by rubbish music.

2021-11-30 20:30

Crushed Dreams

Tragically, a homeless Random Chaosian man was crushed to death in a garbage truck’s compactor after falling asleep in a dumpster.

  1. “What we need to do is make it impossible for people to go into dumpsters,” suggests Health and Safety Inspector Matilda Long, applying plastic table corner guards to your desk. “Make the hatchways too small to go in, and to be on the safe side, train garbage people to check the inside every time.”
  2. “That only treats the symptom, not the cause,” says Stanislav Sharp, Minister of Thinking Outside Boxes, who has spent the night sleeping in a cardboard box to ‘get in touch with my inner outcast’. “How about we simply build more homeless shelters? Give these poor people a warm place to spend the night, a good breakfast, and maybe some financial help getting their life back on track, no questions asked.”
  3. “Look, this was just one guy who realized he was human trash, and committed suicide in a messy way,” complains Garbage Union Rep Atticus Bautista, who is well known for his garbage opinions. “What about the poor municipal workers who are suffering nightmares now from his thoughtlessness? A better solution would be to let trucks play loud music in the cab, to drown out the hobo screams! We need to protect the mental health of our people!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's best to decline if Leader offers to buy a round of drinks.

2021-11-30 14:30

Couped Up

Outrage echoes through the hallowed halls of government. Your ungrateful Minister of the Interior claims you are an autocrat and has been drumming up support for a coup.

  1. “Come now, Leader, surely you see that this is all a misunderstanding,” coos Minister of the Interior Kencha Wolowitz, massaging your shoulders. “I think our problem is a failure to communicate. You never listen to anyone’s ideas but your own anymore. I felt sidelined. Our relationship needs to be more of a two-way street, or it just won’t work. Politics can’t be all me-me-me. How about I promise to stop trying to overthrow you, you promise to listen more, and we all turn over a new leaf. How does that sound?”
  2. “Are you serious?” cries Minister of Defence Peggy Dvořák, as she sits in the corner beheading toy soldiers. “Traitors are the lowest form of scum and should be treated as such. Many could have died in this proposed mutiny, not to mention that they were trying to deliberately oust the nation’s rightful leader! We must treat this man as the dangerous and unstable individual he is, and punish him in the only correct way for treasonous pond-life: by hanging, drawing and scattering his wicked body to the four winds for the birds to feast upon. Or, you could just chop his head off if you’re feeling generous.”
  3. “There is always another way around these matters,” hisses the Secret Police’s Head of Scientific Cunning, Xerxes Locke. “Merely pretend you agree and go for a drink with the traitor. My employees and I have found a new type of poison; it’s completely undetectable and perfectly mimics a heart attack, disappearing from the bloodstream within several hours. Slip this into any beverage and the drinker won’t be at work the next morning. The poor Minister is getting on in years, anyway. And what with all the negative press coverage about his being a disgusting traitor... perhaps the stress was simply too much to handle?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is illegal for police officers to carry out searches due to strict privacy laws.

2021-11-30 08:30

Bug ‘Em All, Say Police

The Random Chaos police force have come to you for permission to use phone taps to trace suspected criminals.

  1. “This is a great idea,” says police officer Oliver Shongwe. “We can never have too much evidence in a case, and this will be of enormous help to us at reducing crime and seeing that those who deserve punishment get justice! If we could just get those silly privacy laws repealed and some funding we could find out stuff the government wants to know too.”
  2. “This is an unacceptable intrusion into the personal lives of the population,” says Theresa Bell while checking under your chair for bugs. “Just imagine all of the sensitive personal information that the police will pick up! Would you like someone listening to your calls to your mother or your lover? I think not! Laws should be passed so that the government and police can’t stick their big noses where they’re not wanted!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry and the Top 5% for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tax returns detail how many games of slots each citizen will be able to play with their refund.

2021-11-30 02:30

Betting on the Future

During a family dinner, your brother - who is well-known for his fondness for slot machines - bemoaned the fact that his favorite casino was going out of business. The next day, you found out that he has secretly arranged to have several major casino owners meet you in your office.

  1. Edward Rump, owner of the failing casino, shakes your hand for an awkwardly extended period of time. “There are so many problems for honest businessmen like me. That’s what they’re all saying. Believe me, the worst is the terrible zoning and property laws in our nation today. The worst. We need to have our casinos in the best places to reach the very very best people. These laws are destroying our nation. Bigly. Without them, it’ll be amazing. Only the best, I’m telling you. You’ll have so much money, you’ll be sick of money.”
  2. “No, you’ve got it all backwards,” says ‘Portly’ Pete Russo, board member of the Random Chaosian Gambling Commission, comping you a ‘free drink’ from your own drinks cabinet. “What’s killin’ us are those taxes of yours. They’re highway robbery! Shift the tax burden from us to income tax and I bet we’d be able to increase our operations and bring in even bigger hauls that’d more’n make up the difference. Seriously, I’ll give you two-to-one odds, what’d you say? Anyway, we’re the lifeblood of the economy, and you wouldn’t want to be the one responsible for bumpin’ off an industry that nets ya so much dough, now would ya?”
  3. Your brother, who has been eavesdropping the whole time through your office door’s keyhole, interrupts the group. “How about instead we use tax money to purchase credit for casinos and then distribute that credit to every taxpayer? That way they’re basically getting a tax break and there’s an incentive for people to try these really entertaining games. Oh - totally unrelated - but could you lend me some money again?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, international collectors know that a grease-stain on a work of art probably means it's passed through Random Chaos.

2021-11-29 20:30

Little Pizza History

Prominent restaurant chain Pop’s Eatery recently announced plans to tear down the historic Cash Mansion in Random Chaos City and replace it with a fast food restaurant. Disgusted by the impending destruction of a national landmark, two dozen history students have surrounded the site, delaying the building’s demolition and causing just enough ruckus to get your attention.

  1. “We cannot accept this blatant destruction of our culture!” cries a surprisingly agile social studies teacher, leaping into your office window after scaling the side of the capitol building. “It’s common knowledge that Douglas Cash was the leader of the revolutionaries that founded this country... or was he the inventor of that spinning doohickey? Either way, the Cash residence is a priceless piece of our national history. The government should protect the site as a national landmark... and put more funding towards historical education while you’re at it.”
  2. “Out with the old and in with the new!” opines Hiro Hernandez, manager of Pop’s Eatery, while handing out free samples to everyone in sight. “These fried saltballs were invented right here in Random Chaos by one of my top chefs, and at least in my opinion, that’s some Random Chaosian culture worth celebrating. If you assign a few more cops to keep away the overeducated hooligans from my stores, then I could have a free hand to open Pop’s Eateries on every corner of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Why not have your cake and eat it too?” asks your underachieving Culture Minister, May Parke, while tucking into a tray of vol-au-vents taken from a recent gallery opening. “By which I mean have food AND culture at the same time. We should preserve these historical sites and allow - no, actually, make that REQUIRE - that they all have restaurants built within them. Imagine it: a roast on the spit in an old castle, tea and scones in noble palaces, all-you-can-eat-buffets in museums commemorating the Great Random Chaosian Famine. Now that’s what I call culture!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children as young as eight can be found working in factories.

2021-11-29 14:30

Tykes With Tools?

A controversial newspaper investigation reveals that as many as 30% of all children are employed in a dangerous environment.

  1. Magnus Schmidt, an orphanage foster parent, says, “Child labor should be outlawed! Too many times I have received children who only know manual labor. We have to give these children an education and a chance at a real future. Think of the children!” Sandra Bacon, a bum on the street, agrees, “Forget about what’s best for the children. They’re stealing my work! The only way to get an entry job in this market is to either be younger than 12 and willing to work for nothing, or to knock off a kid and be there to fill the opening, and still be willing to work for nothing.”
  2. Unemployed parent Ami Giono begs that you keep child labor legal. “You can’t outlaw child labor; we need the extra money that my 13 children earn. Since both my spouse and I were laid off, the only way to get enough money to feed both of us is to have all of our kids employed. In fact, with the downswing in the economy we’re expecting another kid to close the gap.”
  3. Fat cat factory owner Emil Mitchell steps over the bum in the street and explains, “You don’t understand. You shouldn’t make child labor illegal, you should subsidize it. By employing these kids I’m giving them valuable life lessons. I didn’t go to school and see where I am now? I’m giving them work experience, making them highly employable for the 15 years of their expected lives.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a shipwreck is everyone's fault but the captain's.

2021-11-29 08:30

Down With That?

A Random Chaosian cruise ship ran aground last week in the treacherous waters off the southern coast. The captain, Ingmar Rasputin, had infamy bestowed upon him after it was found that he abandoned ship before all of the passengers on board safely made it off, defying centuries of maritime tradition.

  1. “Twenty people drowned in that accident, and that scum-bag decided his life was more important?” rhetorically asks Michonne Wood, one of the surviving passengers of the ship, still visibly shaken by what had occurred. “Ship captains should always see to it that everyone on board gets off safely before they do – after all, they can’t direct the rescue effort if they aren’t on the actual ship! If they don’t, we must punish these cowards to the fullest extent of the law!”
  2. “Let’s not be too hasty about assigning blame here!” counters Captain Rasputin, who’s remarkably shorter and skinnier than you expected him to be. “I’m just as traumatized as anyone else. I was actually helping coordinate the rescue operation, albeit from the safety of land. It’s not my duty to add to the death toll, is it?”
  3. “That captain is nothing but a lily-livered land-lubber!” scoffs Rear Admiral Ebert. “When Random Chaos first took to the seas, the ship’s captain was obliged to go down with the ship, even if they were within spitting distance of the shore! It was the honourable thing to do back then. We should return to our maritime traditions and any captain that doesn’t like it should be given a good ol’ keel-hauling!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cities are engulfed by smog.

2021-11-29 02:30

Landfills Filling Up

After claims of two-headed gamblers being seen near the numerous landfills of Random Chaos, there have been calls for the government to act.

  1. “Look at that thing!” wails famous environmentalist Dixie Nimoy, pointing at one of Random Chaos’s largest dumps. “It’s an eyesore, a pollutant, and a damn disgrace! What we need to do is get everyone recycling their waste! What we have left we can shoot into space in specially-made space shuttles and we’ll never have to think about it again! Sure it’ll be expensive, but considering the benefits to the great outdoors, I think we should consider it.”
  2. “Ah, the expense!” moans Jan Trevelyan, government economist. “Do you have any idea what that would cost?! A much better way of dealing with this waste is to burn it and use the energy it produces to power Random Chaos’s big cities. There may be a few side-effects on the environment, but with all the cheap power coming in who would care?”
  3. “Oh come now,” says Monica Christmas, a nearby suburbanite. “There’s no need to bring all the pollution into the cities! These dumps can get a whole lot bigger you know. Just keep piling the rubbish on and we can use them as tourist attractions or something. People will flock to see how high they can climb our artificial mountains! If we run out of space, just knock down a few forests. No one will notice.”
  4. “You’re all missing the real solution,” argues Tsongba Jele, president of the ‘Random Chaos First!’ society. “Why should we bother building landfills at all? I’m sure that there are plenty of less-fortunate countries out there who would be more than happy to take our litter in return for some cash.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, meetings are often scheduled for "about four-ish" following complete conversion to sundials.

2021-11-28 20:30

A Switch in Time Kills Nine

A tragic train derailment recently resulted in the untimely death of nine people. Investigators have noted that the accident occurred the morning after daylight saving time went into effect, and concluded that it was likely due to conductor fatigue from the time change. You’ve shifted your schedule by an hour to discuss the matter.

  1. “It’s high time we made a change,” declares somnologist Dr. Van Winkle, pouring himself a second cup of coffee. “The fact is, our work days are no longer slaves to the sun and moon, and so our body clocks shouldn’t be either. The interruption of circadian rhythm and resultant accident risk are demonstrably deadly. Make this change, and you’ll be a legend in your own time.”
  2. “Once again, our ancestors were ahead of their time,” proclaims Ashwin Kardashian, a patchouli-scented, bushy-bearded historian. “The future of Random Chaos is sundials, and they should be the only clocks our nation uses! We’ll always be in harmony with the natural beat of the sun and our inherent sleep rhythms, no matter what our specific space-time location is. Yes, slight differences in each city’s clocks might make train timetables and computers and such trivialities a little bit useless, but isn’t synchronicity with the universe more important than an artificial obsession with seconds and minutes?”
  3. “No! Not the railways!” gasps your Minister of the Environment and amateur ferroequinologist Hack Reed, who is currently wearing a worn-out conductor’s hat. “Look, I hate to derail this whole train of thought, but daylight saving is not only a cultural part of what makes us Random Chaosian, it also holds a valuable role in energy conservation. With it in place, Random Chaosians use less lighting during summer evenings and less heat during winter mornings. You should not only keep it, you should also make sure that all who do business in Random Chaos are compliant with it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tax evaders are regularly visited by agents of the Random Chaos Blood Tithe.

2021-11-28 14:30

Taxpayers on Strike!

The latest budget reports have marked a steady decline in Random Chaos’s monthly income. A study initiated by your treasurers has revealed that many of your nation’s citizens are not paying their taxes.

  1. “Damn right we’re not!” exclaims Milo Webster, one of many citizens protesting in front of your office. “Your oppressively high taxes are picking our pockets and robbing us of our livelihood. No more, we say! The government may call us tax cheats, but that’s just because it’s afraid to call us the PATRIOTS that we are! Cut the tax rate, and we’ll think about paying again.”
  2. “Random Chaos can’t survive when people don’t pay their taxes!” retorts Sonequa deVries, the head of Random Chaos’s Revenue Bureau. “Citizens may feel that they need to keep all of their chips, but the government needs it too! Without taxation, how can we build roads, schools and hospitals? How can we protect the people from themselves? We need to give the police broad powers to lay down the law on these tax-evading scum until they pay up.”
  3. “Scum is such a harsh word. Everyone has something worthwhile to contribute, as my mother always said,” says Ayla Lawson, controversial social theorist and fountain of homespun folk wisdom. “Even if they won’t pay their taxes, folks ought to have other ways to pay back into society. They could spend some time with the civil service or military reserve, for example. And goodness knows, blood and organ donation rates aren’t as high as they could be. A pint of blood or a good kidney ought to pay a tax bill right proper.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, meat is a luxury afforded only to the wealthy.

2021-11-28 08:30

Animal Liberation Front Strikes Again

The increasingly militant Animal Liberation Front struck again last night, freeing dozens of chickens bound for delicious snack packs.

  1. “These nuts have got to be stopped,” demands concerned consumer Gyunmin Lazenby. “They need to face the fact people want snack packs, no matter how many innocent chickens must be sacrificed. Besides, chickens would do the same to us if they had the chance.”
  2. “These Liberationists are highlighting an important issue,” pleads Mamiko Sandler. “Too often, animals are put through needless cruelty, just to make their flesh taste a little more deliciously succulent. I’m sure we could ban the more horrific abuses without putting too much of a dent in our national obesity figures. Couldn’t we?”
  3. “Animals have feelings too!” yells protestor Sejong Aran, before being set upon by hungry passers-by. “Free the animals! Ban meat-eating!”
  4. Economist Andy Gaudí has an alternative. “You don’t need to take away the people’s right to choose. You just need to build the costs of animal suffering into the price. A tax on meat-eating, in proportion to the amount of cruelty involved, would do the trick. Plus think of the benefit for the national coffers! Of course, poor people wouldn’t be able to afford meat, but that’s just more incentive for them to get jobs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, feuilletons can only be deciphered with a Galliennais dictionary.

2021-11-28 02:30

Can I Borrow a Word?

A group of disgruntled language connoisseurs are complaining that loan-words from the Galliennais language are ‘contaminating the native tongue of Random Chaos’. They are calling for a government sponsored language purification project, robbing you of your joie de vivre as you try to relax and enjoy your pamplemousse cocktail.

  1. “This is a disgrace!” exclaims Harold Hastings, a linguist from Random Chaos City University, slamming the latest edition of the Maxford Random Chaosian Dictionary on your desk. “These nasty Galliennais words – full of nasal sounds – have started to invade our glorious language. We should immediately launch this project in order to replace these hideous loan-words with their pristine Random Chaosian counterparts. My colleagues and I already have some suggestions on the table: ‘eggy flapjacks’ for ‘omelette’, and how about ‘hey-I’ve-seen-this-before’ for ‘déjà vu’? All we need to publish a comprehensive list is a generous subsidy on your part.”
  2. “Oh mon dieu, but this approach will not work, as it doesn’t target the raison d’être for Galliennais loan-words,” enunciates William Norman, an enthusiastic Galliennais Literature professor from Cambarry University, with visible ennui. “The Galliennais culture is superior to ours, and so is their langue, par conséquent we need Galliennais words to express high-brow concepts such as rapprochement, savoir-faire, and je ne sais quoi. The importation of Galliennais words is fait accompli, and trying to reverse this will only be a faux pas. Let us embrace and teach to all Galliennais words and linguistic diversity: vive la différence!”
  3. “Bah, humbug!” grunts bellicose General Rose, while angrily smashing a Galliennais Merlot bottle on the floor. “We don’t have to tolerate this nonsense; let’s bomb Galliennes into the ground and colonize them. Then they’ll learn our language soon enough!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bands of paramedics walk the streets looking for suspicious medical activity.

2021-11-27 20:30

Do Good Intentions Make Good Samaritans?

Yesterday, a man was struck with a heart-attack in the middle of a busy Random Chaos City square. As the average Random Chaosian simply passed by, a foreigner in traditional garb stepped up and administered an unconventional form of CPR, involving stamping repeatedly on the man’s chest, which did indeed save the man from certain death on the street. Unfortunately, the excessive force broke a rib and punctured a lung in the process, and the man later died from complications of this injury.

  1. “I did what was best to save this person’s life, and I did, momentarily,” shouts Sonequa Columbus, while pouring oil and wine on your dying cactus. “I know I’m a shepherd, not a doctor, and the technique I used was only certified to be used on sheep, it is true, but that man would’ve died without me! It’s a moral imperative to help your fellow man, and if people mean well and act accordingly, they should not face punishment for any unintentional and unfortunate consequences.”
  2. “I saw the whole thing,” says Amelia Demosthenes, who was too busy painting her nails to actually help. “Now, I don’t doubt that this person tried to save the old man, not at all. At the same time, though, that stranger jumped on top of him and began stomping on his chest, and now he’s gone; I mean, think of the family and stuff. Some just retribution, or at least a little compensation, is in order, don’t you think? That foreigner ought to pay for the damage done. Good intentions can’t be enough, it’s what comes out the other end that counts.”
  3. “Hey, who’s the doctor, er, nurse here?” bellows Nurse Francis Rhodes, whose head mirror is both upside down and facing the wrong way. “Emergency medical staff are the only ones who know what’s what when it comes to these situations. I’m so sick and tired of amateurs blazing in, failing at cowboy techniques they picked up from some WhoTube-channel and doing more damage than good. Laymen shouldn’t be allowed to meddle; what we need are organized health patrols with uniformed EMTs on the beat, just like cops. That way, when there’s an emergency, people who really know their stuff will be there to help.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation has always been at war with Bigtopia.

2021-11-27 14:30

It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! No, It’s... Oh, It Was a Plane

A military courier, Gruffydd Abbott, rushes into your office in a panic, “Leader, there’s been a terrible tragedy! We mistook a civilian aircraft for an attack bomber and launched an anti-aircraft missile at it. There are no survivors. What should we do?”

  1. “Blame the Bigtopians!” shouts Lucy Fox, your most jingoistic advisor. “No one can really prove it was us. Pin it on our foes and prove to the world how monstrous they are. It’s the perfect excuse to double-down on our military investments. How else can we possibly defend ourselves against such amoral villains?”
  2. “What did you expect to happen?” says Sange McClaine, leader of Random Chaosians Against Arms. “You can hardly walk down the street without seeing a soldier on their front-porch polishing a surface-to-air missile. With all of these weapons in the government’s hands, of course accidents are going to happen. The only way to prevent an awful war is to openly admit our mistake and massively cut back on the number of weapons in circulation. That will keep this tragedy from ever happening again.”
  3. “How do we even know it was a civilian aircraft?” insinuates Chief Spy L———. “We could just quietly let the word out that it was actually a secret military aircraft sent in by the Bigtopians to spy on us, and no one could blame us for shooting it down. Clearly the numerous schoolchildren and nuns were just clever disguises meant to fool us.”
  4. “Deny, deny, deny,” explains Amir Sorin, Deputy Minister of Information. “We didn’t shoot down a plane because there was no plane. There are no corpses because no one was on the plane - which didn’t exist anyway. Anyone who says otherwise is clearly just slandering the Glorious Free Land of Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 1% of global paper production is bound for the National Archive.

2021-11-27 09:00

Blazing Through the Paper Trail

Following a recent fire in the National Archive, which destroyed thousands of important documents, several vocal representatives have approached you with solutions.

  1. “We’ve got to face facts: technology has advanced beyond physical record-keeping,” councils Carmen Martin, the PR representative for Eastern Electronic. “Digital records are easier to maintain and easier to back up. Our company can facilitate the switch from the archaic paper records to the sleek, new electronic system. There is the slight risk of electronic tampering, but our security systems are more than capable.”
  2. “Now, hold on a second. What about us?” asks Hadrian Smiley, the CEO of a national paper supplier. “We might not have the flash of an electronic system, but I’ll tell you what we do have: quality customer service. You’re saying fires are bad. Well, we hear you loud and clear. Stick with us and not only will we make physical copies of all the files to store in different locales, but I’ll get my research team to whip up some fire-resistant paper too. Let’s see those IT poindexters do all that!”
  3. “No, no, no. It’s all too dangerous!” screams Margaret Blofeld, dressed only in a cured gambler hide. “Paper can be destroyed by fire or floods, and electronic copies are susceptible to viruses and hackers! There’s only one way to truly keep our records safe. We must rerecord them on stone tablets. Fire can’t destroy them, and I’d like to see someone hack a piece of granite!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Arms Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, autopsies often involve only cursory examination.

2021-11-27 02:30

Till Death Do Us Part

Inder Fernandez tragically died yesterday from heart complications during sex with his wife. Mrs. Fernandez has requested her local hospital to harvest the sperm from her late husband’s corpse, thrusting the predicament into the national spotlight.

  1. “All I want is to have a child, his child!” somewhat convincingly cries Ami Fernandez, the sobbing wife at the center of the controversy. “And my husband and I were so close, but he decided to croak in the heat of things. I’ve been planning for a baby ever since our wedding, and I’m sure this is what he would’ve wanted. Quick, alert the hospital and tell them it’s a go!”
  2. “Absolutely, one hundred percent, no!” exclaims your Minister of Tradition, who looks surprisingly young for the role. “Where have our nation’s morals gone if we allow this blatant disrespect of the dead? Any procedure after death is not acceptable without prior consent. You must mandate that hospitals deny this request and every other request like it, for the sake of protecting bodily integrity.”
  3. “If only the deceased had been made to donate prior to his death, then we wouldn’t have to deal with this problem now,” rebukes your radical Minister of Forward Thinking while looking at a diagram of the male body. “Young males across the nation should be required to contribute their spermatozoa to our department. With all the reproductive material, we could start a National Sperm Bank, ready to provide sperm to anyone who needs it. Fun!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military is plagued with unethical researchers.

2021-11-26 20:30

An Acquired Taste

Public health officials across Random Chaos are demanding a restriction on bushmeat consumption, asserting that handling and eating bushmeat can transfer new and deadly diseases from animals to humans. These officials cite VODAIS, ebola and coronavirus as examples of diseases that were originally contracted by humans after eating bushmeat. You have arrived in the jungles of southern Random Chaos to assess the nation’s bushmeat market.

  1. “This is how a pandemic starts,” declares Dr. Marleen Chan, her arm extended at the scene before you. “You see here stalls selling bushmeat from the jungle, some scavenged from already-dead carcasses. Wild animals are pathogen factories; we shouldn’t be ingesting their flesh. Look at that butcher’s floor, covered in monkey blood! VODAIS started with cross-species viral transmission, and this is how the next killer will start too. Good public health practice demands that you should restrict the sale and consumption of meat from non-farmed animals.”
  2. “Stop stirring the pot,” jeers Solomon Humperdink, a bushmeat vendor, chewing on a grilled bat wing. “This fearmongering kills business and keeps us poor and starving. You scientists have heads full of ideas, but we need full bellies! We cannot survive without bushmeat, and it is part of our culture! Besides, people only get sick because they’re not used to how rich and delicious it tastes. If the government really wants to help you should supply us with meat lockers, soap, hunting equipment and logistics assistance to help us bring the meats to market.”
  3. “Let them eat ape!” declares military strategist Mary Antwunnet. “This place is a breeding ground for new deadly diseases. Under the guise of altruism, we could set up a center here to monitor and research new viruses. We could pretend to be helping the villagers while secretly weaponizing our findings. We’ll be at the top of the world’s food chain when we’re done.”
  4. “We can’t really force our way of living on these peoples,” states your Minister for Creative Solutions. “It’s not them that’s the problem; it’s our involvement in their society spreading potentially infected meat. Let’s leave them alone. We’ll remove all trace of our civilization — hospitals, medical facilities and so on and declare it a nature reserve, with only the locals being allowed to live here. With a strict quarantine for anyone coming in or out, there’s no chance of a virus beyond their villages.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pro-democracy protesters are shot on sight by state police.

2021-11-26 14:30

Got Democracy?

As waves of pro-democracy protests continue in The Hatrackia, with several actually toppling long-standing regimes, your advisers fear the protests could soon hit Random Chaos. An emergency conference has been called to discuss the looming crisis.

  1. “We must crack down hard on all rebels who dare to betray our beloved nation!” roars Rosalia Hicks, head of the Random Chaos State Police. “We must use whatever force is necessary to prevent these protests from happening here. Specifically that means roving death squads and informants monitoring all anti-government activity to shut them down before they revolt. So long as Leader is our ruler, treason shall never go unpunished!”
  2. “Atrocities would only give these protesters more motivation to rebel,” quickly counters Agnes Patton, your Propaganda Minister, while reading through socioeconomic figures. “Some of their complaints are worth looking into, if you don’t want the wolves at the gates. Establish large-scale public works projects to lower unemployment and things will be back to normal in no time. We could hire people to build schools and health clinics and repair utilities. These protesters say they want a revolution, but I think you’ll find they’ll settle for a lot less.”
  3. “The people are angry and fed up with the system. If you want to stop the protests, you must give them exactly what they want!” dramatically declares a protester who somehow smuggled herself in through a food cart. “The time for real democracy is now!” Between screams of pain, as your bodyguards tackle her to the floor, she finishes, “By any means necessary!”
  4. After disposing of the trespasser, the meeting resumes. “We can’t allow TRUE democracy. Do you really think that the people would pick a suitable replacement for you?” says Don Wall, your most loyal bodyguard, while sharpening a halberd. “For all we know they’ll elect some anarchist with an ax to grind! How about we let them vote, but we only permit reputable Party members to run? That gives the people the right to decide small matters, while making sure that critical issues are left to our Party veterans.”
  5. “I have an unorthodox way to solve this once and for all,” suggests your questionably sane Interior Minister, playing with a chemistry set despite the gravity of the meeting. “Instead of all that ‘populism,’ why don’t we infuse the water supply with, I dunno, sedatives or something?” He grins maniacally. “Imagine how easy it would be to control the citizenry! Put the right drugs in the water, and I’m sure you’d have zero dissidents. Think about it: you could abolish all those superfluous legislatures and make yourself Random Chaos’s absolute ruler.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parents receive hefty fines for telling kids to eat their vegetables.

2021-11-26 08:30

Thin Evidence

The spread of obesity in Random Chaos has fed a cottage industry of weight-loss gimmicks promising immediate results. After your Minister of Health was hospitalised with severe Vitamin B12 deficiency after he tried the Gambler Beach Miracle Diet, officials are asking you to address the dangers of unhealthy fad diets.

  1. “A lot of these so-called ‘diets’ are invented by scam artists who don’t know anything about nutrition and don’t care about their customers’ health,” clamours Assistant Director of Public Health Rory Freeman, jabbing the air animatedly with a carrot. “We need tighter regulations to make sure only qualified dieticians can give dietary advice.”
  2. “What are you talking about?” chortles Gambler Beach Miracle Diet spokesperson Catherine Gratwick, as she languidly runs a bony hand through her fine hair. “Thanks to my miracle diet, hundreds of Random Chaosians have consciously uncoupled from their body mass. Now they’ve lost weight, look great, boosted their energy levels, and even improved their hearing! In fact, you should encourage our public-spirited endeavours with a small subsidy to help grow our small businesses. Just think how much nicer our beaches will be when they aren’t covered with fat people.”
  3. “We would never have had this problem in the first place if we’d done a better job of educating our children about proper nutrition,” chirrups Ministry of Health Press Secretary Agatha McGhee, passing around a ‘Get Well Soon’ card in the shape of a giant pink rabbit holding a heart. “We need to invest in rigorous culinary arts programs and nutrition science classes in all Random Chaosian schools.”
  4. “You’re all thinking too small,” exclaims your Minister of Health’s overzealous personal assistant Doménikos Stallone, as his colleagues exchange nervous glances. He pulls a wedge of colorful pamphlets out of his briefcase and passes them around the conference room. “You can give people all the information in the world, but some just don’t listen. The only way to be sure everyone eats healthy is for us to directly control everything they consume. Imagine: food served through government cafeterias, nothing but healthy meals and reasonable portion sizes. Think on it: no obesity and no poverty. Free and wholesome food for all, delivered by the government that cares.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dealers go from pushing drugs to pushing up daisies.

2021-11-26 03:00

Breaking Upset

While attending a community meeting in an impoverished neighborhood, you hear a commotion nearby. Just as you think you’ve seen it all, you find a man in his tighty-whities engulfed in flames outside his burning trailer. The cause was meth-making gone wrong.

  1. “I’m speechless, I truly am,” states local state trooper Noah Duturdte, as he twirls his revolver around his finger. “You want to know the worst part? Just last week the exact same thing happened, just with a different guy. They’re a danger to the public and themselves. We must declare war on drugs; let me and my boys eliminate this problem once and for all.”
  2. “We can find them, and deliver punishment as we see fit, but it will solve nothing,” retorts Tamara Lawson, a social worker. “What we need is social reform. These people need counseling and addiction programs. If we correct the undie lying - I mean, underlying causes of this, we may actually solve the problem, not add wood to the fire. So throw some funding to social services and it will all work out. Now, hold my jacket and clipboard while I go help this man.”
  3. “I has a much more betterer idea,” mumbles the man who caused all this as he scratches what used to be his eyebrows. “Clearly I done messed up. But, if the gub’ment or whoever teach people like me how to make our product all proper like, we won’t be getting into messes like this. Allow those expert fellas to teach us stuff on this and all will be good.”
  4. “To hell with them all!” proclaims Björk Sanders, a right-wing radio talk-show host, as she puts her arm around your shoulder. “These people are nothing but human garbage, and in this instance, a flaming pile thereof! Let them maim or kill themselves; if they all die off, there will be no one to make drugs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, business leaders commend the government for enacting an emissions reduction strategy that reduces no Random Chaosian emissions at all.

2021-11-25 20:30

Carbon Emissions Are Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Signing that international climate treaty all those months ago really put a feather in your cap, and in the cap of Random Chaos. Stately banquets in Brancaland and numerous editorials on your progressive leadership; it really has been quite delightful. Today, however, a strongly worded letter from the treaty compliance commission arrived at your desk, asking you to detail how Random Chaos plans to fulfill its obligations.

  1. “Well, we always knew this day would come,” laments renowned business tycoon Chloe Tan. “The important thing now is to ensure that the most business-friendly option is pursued. If we hook ourselves up to one of the established cap-and-trade systems, we can go shopping in the backwater signatory states and buy enough permits to allow Random Chaosian companies to continue producing at their current rates. Our industry won’t technically reduce their emissions, but it’s an ‘international’ treaty, right?”
  2. “Let’s do this the right way, yes?” suggests Herschel Cesternino, avid ‘yes-man’ and resident of a territory completely devoid of oil and gas. “If you want a tried and true method for reducing carbon emissions, you can’t go wrong with a good old fashioned tax scheme. Yes, those territories with larger energy reserves and heavy industry will likely be impacted to a greater extent than those without, and socioeconomically it’s bound to be somewhat regressive, but we have to consider future generations. We can offset the damages by investing the revenue in renewable energy and social welfare, yes?”
  3. “There’s another way,” posits Balon Busk, the nation’s foremost newspaper columnist on technology and fantasy fiction. “Carbon capture and storage technology has some great potential. Of course, kicking off new tech is always risky, so we’ll need massive subsidies for investments in the right infrastructure and equipment. But if we get it to work, we won’t need to reduce carbon emissions at all. We’ll just put it someplace it won’t do any harm and no one is likely to stumble upon it, like deep below the Misty Mountains or something. It’s the epitome of eating your cake and having it too! Expensive cake, but still.”
  4. “This meddling in national affairs is sickening,” howls Matilda Hume, an energy sector advocate known for her love of dramatic exaggerations. “Any one of the proposed options will decimate our economy, without having the slightest positive impact on the environment, probably. All the worthwhile companies will flee to more business-friendly jurisdictions, and Random Chaos will die a horrible and painful death; that’s right, I said it: that treaty of yours will kill Random Chaos. Who’s going to appreciate all those flowers when everybody’s dead, huh? Trash the treaty!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there is something rotten in the state of Random Chaos.

2021-11-25 14:30

Bowl Motions

A survey of the plumbing industry has noted that in recent times toilet basin sizes and flush volumes have been on the increase.

  1. “Giant toilets are a giant problem,” declares environmentalist Calvin Shatter. “The nation generates a considerable carbon footprint and a great deal of chemical waste to create tap-quality water for your households, then you dump a quarter to a half of it back into the sewers through flushing. We need regulations to set a maximum basin and flush volume, to prevent us being so wasteful with water.”
  2. “Aw come on, I need a powerful flush!” complains generously proportioned food-lover Harriet Creosote. “Look, when you’ve got a Brancaland Steamer coming down the way, you don’t want it sailing in a shallow river. I pay my water bill; I bought my throne! My business is not the government’s business!”
  3. “Up the creek without a paddle? I’ve got a compromise solution,” smiles bright-looking junior minister Malcolm Güldenschauer. “You could tax drinking-quality water on the monthly bills, but let people use untreated greywater at a discount. This will give people incentive to use drinking water only for drinking.”
  4. “Big job? Big science has the answer!” enthuses experimental biologist Sarah Middenmarch. “Why not flush a little money in the direction of developing my newest innovation? I call it The Eater. This bio-toilet uses engineered friendly bacteria to efficiently digest human waste, and produces a tank full of methane bio-fuel as a side product. Good for the environment, good for cutting household bills, basically just really good sh...” The noisy flatulence of your junior minister cuts her words short.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government says that Possession is nine-tenths of the Lore.

2021-11-25 08:30

Demonic Possession Getting You Down?

Reports that more and more Random Chaosians are seeking exorcisms for being possessed by evil spirits are fuelling rumours of an impending apocalypse.

  1. “What absolute hokum!” asserts famous sceptic Prudence Clason, shaking her head in disbelief. “All these people who claim to be possessed are attention-seeking drama-queens. Demonic possession is not real. We need a public information campaign which states that demons are imaginary, the apocalypse isn’t coming and everyone should just calm down.”
  2. “DEMON! I’m going to need some help here,” screams exorcist Hack Johnson, as he begins sprinkling her with holy water. As his baffled assistants take over pinning her down, he turns to you. “My congregation alone has thousands of citizens and they all claim to be possessed. I can’t administer exorcisms to all these people all by myself. The government needs to set-up a massive recruitment drive for all the remaining non-possessed citizens to become exorcists and fast-track their exorcism training.”
  3. “The hour of damnation is at hand!” shouts Monk de Wally de Honk, a doomsday ‘prophet’ who frequently changes his forecast of the date of the apocalypse. “I have studied the words of holy books and the stars, and Random Chaos doesn’t have much time! I implore you to move those remaining souls who aren’t possessed to safe, remote, and unaffected areas of the nation. The purity and isolation of the land shall keep us safe!”
  4. Finally, a man dressed in a dark suit and holding a pile of contracts seems to appear out of nowhere. “I am from the law firm Horace, Edward, Logan and Lee. My client has instructed me to inform you that there is only one way to save the Random Chaosian people from this calamity. Tell all of them to sign these contracts, then my client shall transport them all to a place far away from the imminent catastrophe. There’s nothing to be suspicious about, my client is a reasonable fellow.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the teaching of evolution has been banned.

2021-11-25 02:30

Evolution: Truth or Witchcraft?

Religious and scientific leaders have clashed recently over the teaching of evolution in public schools.

  1. “Ach, good to see you haff made it here in one piece,” says evil doctor Molly Yates as you wake up strapped to a chair in a secret lab. “As you can see from my brilliant experiments, science has now solved zer problems of zer vorld und ve need nothink else! I propose zat ve do AVAY vith zer teachink of silly thinks like religion und concentrate on zer FACTS! For a start, ve must teach our children where ve came from. Ve shouldn’t be teaching anythink that hasn’t been scientifically proven - er - accounted for, I mean. Igor, release our guest - I haff a monkey to prezent...”
  2. “That’s a LIE, child, we come from the great meteor of truth!” yells firebrand preacher Pastor Richards, kicking down the door. “We cannot allow their transgressions against the HOLY truth to continue! All the heathens should be thankful we don’t burn them at the stake for their devilry! This nation’s true and just government must ban the filth and corruption being spread by these WICKED unbelievers!”
  3. “What I’m wondering is why we need to take sides on this,” says student Tristan English. “After all, it’s only a theory. An unproven theory. Technically. It’s not like it has any bearing on real life - let’s just allow the biologists to teach evolution but emphasise that it’s only a theory, but also make them teach other theories such as creationism. Heck, we can tell them that crackpot theory that we’re all descended from gamblers too! Then everyone goes away happy.”
  4. “Stop bickering already!” says Boyson MacDonald, Minister of Education. “I say that you can have your cake and eat it, too. Education should be split if it stops this debate. The parents can send their children to secular schools or religious schools, based on what they want their kids to hear. It’s expensive, certainly, but the public education budget has been needing boosting for ages anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no-one can foil the ambitions of Big Aluminium.

2021-11-24 20:30

Your Land or Mine

A large aluminium deposit has been found at Gambler Hills, a remote area in Random Chaos. The Environmental Agency is being unusually easy-going, citing minimal potential ecological impact and approving mining to go ahead. Only one obstacle exists - the deposit is right in the middle of a sacred area of the indigenous Pangaoaoangan tribe.

  1. “Did you know that aluminium is the second most commonly used metal in our economy?” quizzes aluminium aficionado and bauxite buff Ellie Gonzalez, pointing to an ‘Ask Me About Electrolysis’ pin-badge proudly displayed on an ironed lapel. “This high quality deposit is a gold mine! Not literally of course, I’m just funning with you. We’re talking minimal tailings, starting at just minus 100 metres! Isn’t that exciting? Oh my goodness, there’s so much we can do when we have aluminium! Why hesitate?”
  2. “Leader, you must see it from our side,” insists Judas Morricone, a tribal elder wearing a sharp business suit and a worker’s hard hat. “Pullabooka - or as you call it - the Gambler Hills, belongs to my people. You cut into it, and you’re not just profaning a holy site, you’re cutting us out of your society! Look, we’re not blind to your economic needs: if you want to mine your metal, why not start seventy miles to the north instead, across that river canyon, then tunnel your way across to the deep deposits? A thousand generations of my ancestors are watching you, Leader. Do the right thing!”
  3. “That sounds kind of expensive... bit of a dealbreaker if we can’t turn a profit,” muses Nyota Taffs, a spokesperson from Random Chaos City Mining Company’s Corporate Social Responsibility arm. “Look, we don’t need to convince ALL the locals. Let’s just convince the tribal council. They get a healthy inducement fee, say half from you and half from our company, and they can sign whatever papers we need to cover us from future legal challenges. I think, after all, money talks!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian farm salmon are known for being both horribly diseased and remarkably acrobatic.

2021-11-24 14:30

Bait and Switch

Children wept today, as only a handful of fish showed up for the ‘Dance of Salmon,’ an eagerly awaited tradition celebrating wild salmon migration from the ocean to the riverbeds of Random Chaos. Experts and deep-sea anglers have pointed fingers at the abundance of open-net fish farms dotting the coast, which allow sea lice-infected farmed salmon to contaminate migrating wild salmon, threatening the very survival of the species.

  1. “Salmon are a crucial link in the food chains of both the ocean AND river systems!” asserts Patrick Cage, a surprisingly knowledgeable 10-year-old, clutching a tear-drenched plush salmon. “The wild stocks of both Maxtopia and Blackacre are already irreparably depleted by sea lice and overfishing, and if we do nothing, Random Chaos is next. You need to severely tighten regulations for the farm barons: make them clean up their act before it’s too late!”
  2. “What’s the worst-case scenario? They’re extinct in twenty years or so? I’m eighty-six; I’ll be extinct in ten,” reasons ridiculously wealthy fish farm owner Bjørnar Laksekonge. “This is really making a mountain out of a molehill. Look, if you just equate wild salmon with caged salmon in your government counts, I think you’ll see the problem disappearing overnight. I’m sure my boys can train a couple of our fish to swim upriver once or twice a year, and nobody will care. A salmon is a salmon, right?”
  3. “People, people! Let’s forget about the salmon for a while and talk about the lice!” pleads Vera Hester, disgraced marine biologist and amateur chemist. “The louse - scourge of the salmon, free or farmed; wouldn’t it be nice if you could just make them go away? Well, you can! I’ve been working on a new type of pesticide targeting just this kind of situation. It’s still experimental, that’s for sure, but if you let fish farmers douse their tanks with my stuff I’ll guarantee that your lice problem will be a thing of the past, all while keeping your fish nice and sound. Actually, I’m not 100% sure about the fish, but the lice will definitely die!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, laser-wielding robots are taking aim at human hearts.

2021-11-24 08:30

Operation Failed

Dr. Henri Jacquil made the headlines yesterday after a mistake made during a routine operation caused the death of your Minister of Foreign Affairs. With the recent advances in the capabilities of artificial intelligence, some in the medical field are wondering if autonomous robot surgeons should be given a whack at surgery.

  1. “This seems like a no-brainer to me,” states the editor-in-chief of the Random Chaosian Medical Journal. “Surgery simply puts too much stress on the surgeons. After all, they’re humans with human fallibility. Besides, the artificial intelligence has not yet failed a test run. The precision in which they operate is absolutely stunning and nothing near what the average Random Chaosian surgeon can replicate. With healthy investment into this artificial intelligence field, we will turn science fiction into a reality.”
  2. “I think you’re overreacting here,” cautions Dr. Jacquil, his hands shaking with what looks suspiciously like narcotics withdrawal. “Everyone makes mistakes once in a while; it’s a fact you don’t need to hide. The reason that the plebs... I mean patients still come to me is for the human touch, and my empathetic bedside manner! Can a machine offer that? You would be destroying the venerated centuries-old doctor-patient relationship, and putting skilled surgeons out of work! Cutting up meatbags is something that should only be done by a fellow human! Keep these thinking machines away from my operating theatre!”
  3. “Why stop at just the operating room doors when there’s so much more an AI could do for us?” asks Dr. Barbara Normous, Professor of Experimental Gynaecological Robotics, fetching a fresh box of batteries from the top shelf. “We could make hospitals so much more efficient if we allowed them to adopt more roles: diagnostic chatbots, robot nurses, computerised counsellors, and so on. AIs should outnumber humans by at least twenty to one on the hospital staff.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Armed and the Top 10% for Highest Poor Incomes.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gun ownership is compulsory.

2021-11-24 02:30

Compulsory Gun Ownership?

This weekend, a citizen’s group calling itself Gun Owners of Random Chaos has petitioned Congress with a controversial bill making gun ownership compulsory.

  1. “This is a very important step to securing the rights and lives of our families and controlling the government,” urges noted gun ownership proponent Tracy Levi. “Not only would it significantly decrease crime, but it would also effectively stop government tyranny in its tracks. Of course, this also means that every wacko and their cousin will have a gun, but don’t worry, you’ll have a gun to defend yourself from them, so it will all work out.”
  2. “While the Gun Owners of Random Chaos have the safety and security of our people in mind, it would simply be impractical to enforce,” comments Police Chief Carrie Schmidt. “A better option would be to legalize, and encourage use of, concealed carry laws, which would allow responsible citizens to keep firearms with them at all times, on their person, to kill any wacko or their cousin who they think is threatening them.”
  3. “Compulsory gun ownership?! Concealed carry?! Are these fools nuts?!” rants an enraged Million Mummy March activist. “We don’t need any of these things! What we need is complete gun registration, so that the government can track down dangerous people, like those people who possess unregistered weapons.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, demand for night vision goggles and boat engine mufflers has spiked.

2021-11-23 20:30

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

Mounting scientific research shows the fishery stocks across territorial waters are plummeting, with the possibility of whole fisheries collapsing in the near future.

  1. “There is only one reasonable thing to do,” proclaims Basil Anderson, head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Fish. “We must immediately introduce limited fishing quotas, add restrictions on catch size, and punish any violators harshly! There simply aren’t enough fish to go around. I’m afraid the fishing industry will just have to take one for the school.”
  2. “Hold on there, matey!” exclaims Fleur Garcia, head of the Trawler and Angler Trade Union of Random Chaos. “Surely there are plenty of fish in the sea, at least in the remote, international waters of The Hatrackia? The government must subsidize a massive fleet of full sea trawlers. Do that and we’ll have those fine-finned delicacies back on your table in no time!”
  3. “There is inadequate data to know with such certainty fisheries are in danger of collapse,” suggests Lance Mealor, contrarian professor in the Department of Marine Studies and Fin Cuisine at University of Random Chaos City while reaching for a slice of lemon. “Maybe it’s been a rough few years for our gilled friends for reasons other than the millions of fish we catch a year. The only thing to do is collect more data. Keep things as they are and continue to monitor fish intake. If fish catches continue to decrease over the next two to three hundred years, then we can be sure we have a problem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is a proud sponsor of the National Gaming Association.

2021-11-23 15:00

Really Real eSports Tournament

After it was reported that the latest Maxémon eSports Tournament brought millions to the economy, gamers and industry representatives alike have called for the government to take eSports seriously.

  1. “eSports are just as popular as real sports, if not more,” says top-tier player Rosita Savage, seen wearing a Barrychu t-shirt. “If one tournament can generate that much money, imagine how much more year-round tourneys will bring! I’ll have you know that eSports require just as much skill and talent as so-called real-life ones. Our organizations have everything the professional sporting organizations have: drama, sweat, gambling, corrup-, err, competition. eSports are the future, and with some nice government grants we can really propel the industry forward.”
  2. “Sponsoring teams is all well and good, but what about those of us who design these games?” queries legendary video game designer Alexandra Bach. “eSports wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the designers who pour their blood, sweat, and financial resources into these games. With government subsidies, Random Chaos can become a mecca for game developers. We should be fostering creativity so we can create better games that those angry WhoTube nerds won’t be able to pick apart.”
  3. “You’d be surprised by how realistic these games are,” comments your retired Defense Minister Marleen Gillard, while building a virtual army on her Nintensoft MX. “Games like Guilds of Battle III: The Nightmare of Shadow Ops Faction are shockingly similar to our military operations. If these youngsters want to shoot up some terrorists in cyberspace, perhaps we should draft them into the military and let them shoot our enemies IRL, as they would say. At the very least they’d be great pilots for our drone program!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, international trade can be a pain to deal with.

2021-11-23 08:30

Back Lash Backlash

The progressive nation of Skandilund is threatening to place trade sanctions on your nation due to their strong stance against interrogative torture.

  1. “It’s nothing against you, Leader. It’s just that we don’t want our nation to be associated with... well, torture,” shivers Mia Blondin de Root, a prim and proper diplomat from Skandilund, glancing suspiciously at the red marks on the hands of one of your aides who scalded themselves on a hot coffee pot. “You understand, don’t you? We trade with you, and we look like we’re endorsing your actions. Of course, if you considered abolishing these medieval practices, then I’m sure we could set this matter aside and even encourage our allies to trade with you.”
  2. “Ouch, sly - that’s an ultimatum,” your aide whispers, as the Skandilunder leaves. “If they’re too soft and touchy to be associated with us, then we should forget about them. Maybe we push for trading more with morally flexible nations like Maxtopia? At least they’re not snobs, like these preachy liberal forest hippies.”
  3. “We could just pretend to end and renounce torture!” exclaims your Minister of Creatively Augmented Interrogations. “All we need to do is hide our activities in an island detention camp somewhere off the coast, torture and interrogate prisoners for answers, and make sure to kill them when we’re done with them! Win-win! We get to trade with everyone, and as long as we keep up with plausible deniability, everyone can look the other way.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the police think a properly conducted criminal investigation is a real pain.

2021-11-23 02:30

Locked Down

Following the capture of suspected terrorist Augustus Mistletoe, the Random Chaos Bureau of Investigation was stymied in its investigations by being unable to gain access to the suspect’s smartphone.

  1. “The data on this phone could be critical to saving lives from future terrorist attacks,” growls Bureau Director Henry Stuckmann, staring at the locked-screen wallpaper on the phone, which shows the suspect raising his middle finger. “There may be contacts of other terrorists, bomb locations, secret plots, the works! The only thing standing in our way of beating those terrorist scum is that pesky passcode that Pear Inc. puts on their phones. Oh, and the retinal scan lock. And the fingerprint scan. The law should oblige people to unlock their phones when the police order them to, and smartphone manufacturers should be forced to put a government backdoor into their devices. National security is at risk!”
  2. “We’ve spent decades protecting the privacy of our users by encrypting their data, and breaking that would be a massive breach of people’s right to privacy,” objects the CEO of Pear Inc. Steve Task, putting the finishing touches on a data-collection algorithm for targeted advertising. “The government can’t be trusted — you’ll be spying on whoever you want, even law-abiding citizens. In fact, a back door would make our devices more vulnerable to terrorists and hackers. Besides it’s a basic civil right for crime suspects to not be forced into self-incrimination by the state: you and the police should not be allowed to force Mr. Mistletoe to unlock his phone.”
  3. “The rights of terrorists are over-valued,” mutters Counter Terrorism Officer Jacqueline Bower, picking up a pair of pliers and a vial of acid. “Give me 24 hours with this creep, and I’ll not only have his phone unlocked, I’ll also make sure he’s told us everything he knows.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, would-be emigrants are told "abandon all hope all ye who would exit here".

2021-11-22 20:30

Two Countries and a Baby

The case of baby May Singh has captured the hearts of the nation. Born with a devastating neurological disease that has impacted her entire nervous system, the young girl has been left in a vegetative state, her organs shutting down. Doctors claim she has no hope for recovery, and have received a court ruling to discontinue life support. On the day May’s parents tearfully prepare to say goodbye to their child, the neighbouring theocracy of Savoiia has granted the baby citizenship and demands that you intervene in the case and expatriate her for treatment.

  1. “Respectfully, as baby May is now a citizen of our beautiful and compassionate country, you will allow us to take her with us,” demands Sterling Bergman, the Savoiian Ambassador to Random Chaos, as he sprinkles holy water on the child’s doctors. “We can offer her the care such a precious soul deserves. Our doctors will not only tend to her ailing body, but our people will pray for her immortal soul. We shall also work in hope of a cure, and who knows what untold miracles may come, years from now? And should she slip into the hands of Our Great Parent, then at least it will be at Their will, and not at the whim of capricious doctors. Do not give up on May. Do not condemn her to die. Release her to our custody.”
  2. “I implore you not to listen to this crackpot,” stresses Dr. Avinash Gutierrez, a representative of the hospital, putting his head in his hands. “Baby May is completely beyond the capabilities of modern medicine. For Violet’s sake, her condition is so rare, we can’t even be sure what it is. Of course I wish we could help her. No doctor wants to see their patient die. But to keep her alive is to harm her even further. Moving her now - even to another local hospital, let alone Savoiia - would cause unnecessary physiological stress and potential trauma; she probably wouldn’t survive the trip. Even if she does, she will inevitably die there, away from her extended family and supporters. Allow us to make her comfortable here so she can die in peace.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 'Gamblernado 6: You Gotta Be Kidding Me' is this summer's top-grossing movie.

2021-11-22 14:30

Sequels: The Saga Continues

After the ban on sequels, the Random Chaosian film industry has produced films that have been praised by critics and won multiple awards, but which have bombed at the box office. The lack of revenue is worrying studio executives, producers, and moviegoers alike.

  1. “We need our popcorn flicks back!” complains film director Michel Cove, who holds the ‘Most Explosions on a Film Set’ record. “I haven’t made a single film since the ban, and the masses are emptying out of movie theaters. Sure, my TransMorphers series isn’t some pretentious arthouse bull that sweeps the awards, but it does bring the big bucks, and that’s exactly what the industry needs right now. Not to mention this ban tramples on my freedom of expression.”
  2. “Allowing sequels will only continue the dumbing down of this once-great nation,” suggests film critic Gene Ebert, giving his trademark thumbs down to the director. “There was a reason why we banned them, you know. Films like To Kill a Laughing Bird or Citizen al-Zahawi might not make a killing at the box office, but they tell beautiful and important stories that might not otherwise get to touch the world. The film industry simply needs to do a better job at advertising them. Perhaps a little government funding could go a long way.”
  3. “Perhaps there’s a compromise,” suggests your movie buff niece, who had just come back from her Star Battles marathon. “What if we allow some sequels, but only if the original film is a commercial and a critical success? This means no more Mildly Spooky Movie sequels, but it’ll allow the excellent Planet of the Gamblers series to continue. It may not please everyone, but I think that’s a more than fair alternative.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the new Random Chaosian-made OS is buggier and more inconvenient than a horse-drawn carriage.

2021-11-22 08:30

The Silicon Curtain

Microshaft Windoors, a common operating system used on computers throughout Random Chaos, is a well-known export from the United Federation. Since the national policy of self-sufficiency was instated, this has become a problem as, unfortunately, there is currently no viable alternative made in Random Chaos that people can use.

  1. Anna Quayle, CEO of Random Chaos’s largest technology company, hands you a 300-page plan filled with incomprehensible computer jargon. “I propose that you let us write our own operating system from scratch. Just give us some large subsidies and a few weeks and we can develop a new set of software that is not only Random Chaosian, but also has a more elegant architecture.”
  2. “I doubt that a quality operating system can be made from scratch in a only few weeks; it’ll take years!” squeals tech-savvy bon vivant Engelbert Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff. “And we can’t just wait several years for you to develop a new operating system. It’ll cripple our economy! And I want the latest releases! Just let us use foreign software on our computers if we want to. Say, I also miss those United Federation cartoons... In fact, why don’t you just end this ‘self-sufficiency’ policy entirely?”
  3. “It is clear that it is most convenient to use already-existing software, even though it may not be made in Random Chaos,” suggests computer hacker Kendall Duras. “But it is also in the interest of the state to maintain the image of perfect self-sufficiency, no exceptions. Well, there is a lot of publicly available code from the Sprinux operating system that we can use. We just need to put all of that code together, remove the branding, and pretend that we wrote it. This all can be prepared in just a few months! Sure, when we’re found out, we might be accused of plagiarism and intellectual property theft, but at least we will not have officially betrayed our values.”
  4. One of your oldest advisors suddenly opines after defenestrating a computer: “Back in my day, we had a prosperous economy without any computers. Those devices just make the citizens desire things that are outside Random Chaos, not good for autarky. And it seems that trying to shoehorn software into our autarky is more trouble than it’s worth, so let’s just ban computers altogether and then there won’t be a problem. Anything for autarky!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Fashion Channel can only be viewed on widescreen TVs.

2021-11-22 02:30

Thin Skin

Popular fashion magazine Astropolitan has recently been criticized for heavy-handed use of photo-editing software to make their models appear slimmer, smoother-skinned and paler. A riot of fashionistas and equality advocates have sashayed and stumbled into your office to debate the issue.

  1. “Photograph enhancement is nothing new, darling,” slurs renowned fashion designer Carla Largerfield. “For my creations to look as gorgeous as possible, we need to make our models look as gorgeous as possible! If that means adjusting them down in post, then that’s what we do. We’re selling a dream of something better, not tawdry reality. What right does the government have to dictate how we edit our magazines? Besides, it’s not like we’re hurting anyone.”
  2. “Not hurting anyone, she says! LIES!” screams social worker Tanya Rodriguez. “Young girls across Random Chaos read her magazines and think they need to conform to the faked physiques they see. Let’s not even talk about the implicit racism in deliberately whitening skin tones! I implore you, make photographic enhancement of models illegal, for the sake of the children!”
  3. “Simply banning photo-editing is insufficient,” proclaims plus-sized pop star Megan Plimsoll. “It’s abhorrent that only tall, slim women are considered for modelling jobs when the styles will be sold to women of all shapes and sizes. I suggest a government mandate declaring that fashion designers must fairly represent women of every size on their catwalks and in their photoshoots. Only then can we start to fight inequality in the fashion industry.”
  4. Your Minister for Friendly Solutions, Brenda Zukerburg, suggests an alternative solution: “How about instead of setting quotas or inflicting bans, we try and change society. Let art bring forth a candle. A big fat tallow candle. I suggest you tax the fashionistas and use that money to subsidize artists who are making positive depictions of the plus sized: a big-boned bronze statue here, a Rubenesque nude there. Denounce commercial culture, and promote fine art of the fat!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rotary phones are considered cutting-edge technology.

2021-11-21 20:30

Freemium Isn’t Free

Popular mobile game “Super Epic Mega Tap-Tap Fantasy” reported profits in excess of one billion chips in the last financial year. While some of your advisors are delighted at the stream of taxable income, others consider spending in mobile games to have reached excessive levels.

  1. “This kind of marketing scheme should be illegal,” declares activist Stan Ruff, pausing a game of open-source Pong. “Emphasizing spending for virtual items with no real-world purpose serves only to trick people who cannot help themselves and to fatten the developers’ wallets! Children who don’t know how hard their mommies and daddies work for their chips are learning that paying everything for nothing is okay! Do you want to have to explain why the next generation is full of gamblers?”
  2. “Illegal? A generation of gamblers? What exaggerations,” scoffs Norta Scamm, CEO of Extreme Colossal Fantasy Inc. “Supporting these ‘activists’ would itself be preposterous! We have the right to cater to our fans, and if some people don’t like our game, they can just not play it and keep their mouths shut around those who do! I worked hard to get my managers to make our developers make this game, and I, er, my company deserves to be able to earn money for its work!”
  3. “Have you ever asked any of us what we think?” challenges self-confessed “completionist” Atticus al-Zahawi, scanning your office for the best signal. “We have spent thousands, some of us millions, on these games. It’s not a matter of gambling, but an actual mental health disorder! We need to raise awareness for these addictions, and companies that condone this ‘whaling’ can pay for our rehabilitation!”
  4. “Y’all see, this is why we don’t need no fancy app-lik-ay-shuns,” rails Falala Galavan, occupying your lawn and shooing passersby off it. “Back’n my day, we worked sun up til sun down on our pa’s farms, an’ if we had any time to spare it was playin’ cards with friends at the pub! No fancy veer-chew-al items an’ games, just good old paper cards and shiny, round chips! What y’all need ta do is get rid o’ these fancy-shmancy eye-phones and get back to what our country was founded on!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, breaking rocks in the hot sun now involves using your head.

2021-11-21 14:30

We Won’t, We Won’t Rock You

Attendance at last week’s stoning in Random Chaos City Square was at a record low, as citizens decided instead to take a healthy walk, read self-improvement books, or merely exchange pleasantries with one another.

  1. “It ain’t right!” gripes souvenir rock distributor Willie Tano, gesturing to his unwanted supplies of pointy rocks and bags of reinforced gravel. “Last week’s stoning only had a boring old murderer — what punter’s gonna waste high-grade silicates on them? Bring back the mafia kingpins! Chainsaw maniacs! Send the police out to hunt them down, from wherever they can find them. Now they’re worth a good chunk of quartz, eh?”
  2. “It’s not the quality of targets that’s the problem,” opines your brother, tossing a stone at a nearby barn door, and missing. “It’s that there aren’t enough to go around. Stoning is a noble art, and you should show your appreciation with a steady stream of targets, be they petty thieves or jaywalkers. How else can I perfect my technique?”
  3. “If you want these events to draw a crowd, there’s no sense in everyone getting stoned,” chortles rock fan Claudius Chan. “This needs to be a special occasion that lives long in the memories of all those young and old — well, except the victims. We need stadia, lights, loud music and audience participation! Let’s get the crowd rocking!”
  4. “No! You violate the sacred stones by causing harm to fellow men,” implores Sunbeam Gambler Humperdink, handing out calming tourmalines to all present. “By placing crystals on their corresponding chakras we can use the healing energy to cure offenders of their negative thoughts. As the Almighty Agate teaches us: ‘Let he who be without sin, cast the first stone.’ No, NO, AAAAGGH!”
  5. “Few have the stones to look a fellow human in the eyes and kill them,” rasps Freda Beggins, a diminutive and hairy-toed master stonethrower, as she demonstrates her left-arm unorthodox spin delivery on a stray gambler. “Leave the job to the professionals, and we’ll get it done. Quick. Brutal. Merciless.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, you're only as old as you feel.

2021-11-21 08:30

A New Age

57-year-old Dixie Sims has petitioned the government to legally allow her to change her age to 40.

  1. “My body is a temple,” states Sims, frowning over her current life insurance policy. “I have taken excellent care of my health all my life, and although I am considered 57 by the establishment’s calendar, I feel — and look — no more than 40. Being 57 is the bane of my life; I can’t get a new job as employers think I only have a couple of years left in me, and I never get any replies from my dating profile! People can change their identity in many ways. Why not their age as well?”
  2. “Is she for real?” questions Jasper Berenstein, your 45-year-old adviser, who feels and looks 45 years old. “This woman is just an attention-seeker. No one can deny the passage of time, no matter how many vitamin smoothies they drink. While we’re on this subject, you should be spending more government money on a database to record every detail of people’s identities, and make it a matter of serious fraud to mislead anyone as to your true age.”
  3. Suddenly, your door bursts open and in runs your six-year-old nephew. “Grrrr, I want to be a dinosaur! Mum says that you can legally make me a dinosaur, and my sister wants to be a unicorn. Please, please, please, please, please!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's government buildings are remarkable for being ugly concrete boxes.

2021-11-21 02:30

Face Lift

After a prominent artist was arrested for attempting to chisel the historic frontage of a particularly ugly courthouse into a sculpture, architectural firms and aspiring artists have petitioned you to renovate crumbling government buildings.

  1. “These old buildings are ugly and falling apart!” bemoans aspiring artist Chungba vanStraaten, while painting nude artwork of you as a form of protest. “If you let artists redesign your buildings, even amateurs, I guarantee the future of our nation will be more colorful, creative, and interesting! All we need is your permission and lots and lots of paint!”
  2. “Why trust these amateurs when you could hire real professionals?” asks world renowned architect and CEO of Barry & Associates Architecture Imogen Cook, while making the final touches to a scale model display of a futuristic-looking Random Chaos City. “As the head of the most experienced architectural firm in Random Chaos, we are the best choice for renovating the government buildings of our nation. Not only will we have great designs, we’ll only use the most modern materials available. Of course there is some considerable money involved, but think of your new fiberglass palace and futuristic office!” A beam suddenly falls down and destroys the model city, resulting in the architect letting out an anguished cry.
  3. “Bah! In communist East Lebatuck, buildings redesign you!” exclaims a musky foreign dignitary, seen wearing the dullest of gray clothes. “Look, your buildings aren’t prettiest, but updating current aesthetics of building will keep loyal citizens focused on important thing, like harvest, parades and glorious leader. Private sector crooks or hack artist bring nothing but excessive monstrosities that lures people into decadence; only state itself should care for buildings. It be cheap and effective as well, all you need is plaster and portrait of yourself.”
  4. “Why fix our buildings at all?” queries the eccentric curator of the Random Chaos City National History Museum while punching a hole in your wall. “These old buildings are best enjoyed as part of history. Turn these moldy government offices and legislatures into a museum for all of Random Chaos to enjoy. We’ll of course need some flashy advertising and authentic historical artifacts to get people interested. People would pay good money to see the original draft of the constitution that has the word ‘suckers’ in it. Just think of the patriotism and tourism money when people walk through those old, hallowed hallways. Well, maybe more curiosity than patriotism.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, businesses often fire workers in favour of cheaper automatic systems.

2021-11-20 22:00

Robots Leaving Workers Jobless

Amidst a growing level of unemployment, thousands of workers have been fired and then replaced by automatic systems. They have petitioned you to intervene.

  1. “It’s just sickening! Do you know how long it took most of us to get a decent, ‘stable’ job?” shouts Marjorie Whedon, president of the Random Chaos Labour Alliance, before dramatically sweeping your personal belongings off your desk. “And now we’re losing our livelihoods to robots so that while our families starve, the corporations get even richer! Don’t let the capitalist pigs blind you! This practice must be banned!”
  2. “Hey, I’ve got a job to keep up too, you know,” says Socrates Dodinas, a factory manager. “If I don’t think of new ways of keeping costs down, the investors will go elsewhere. It’s my neck on the line as much as anyone else’s, even if I do have much more money. Besides, it’s business, and no-one ought to be able to say who - or what - I can hire.”
  3. “This could be resolved if instead of replacing workers with machines, we added machines to workers!” enthuses Ash LeCarré, CEO of Mondas Ltd. “By replacement of body parts with stronger, better, metal prostheses, we can make the best industrial workers - literally - in the world! Imagine a shelver who can shift whole crates with just one arm! One finger! So let’s hear no more of this deplorable ‘replacing workers with machines’ idea and look to the future!”
  4. “You can’t allow that!” gasps Eve Santos, a manual labourer. “If that happens, only the people with cyber limbs will get jobs! And the corporations will contract you into having the surgery if you want to have one! No thank you! We should ban computers, and go back to the grass roots of industry when all the machines weren’t taking over, and workers were the salt of the earth! Then maybe we’d see a bit more appreciation! And cash!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the commercialisation of highly deadly weapons has instilled Random Chaos with a very polite populace.

2021-11-20 14:30

Unconventional Weapons Under Fire

A collection of citizens, civil rights workers, and concerned mothers have signed a petition to stop the manufacturing of the ‘BFG-69’ (AKA ‘the Organ Grinder’), a new rifle planned to be used in the military which works by shredding people’s internal organs.

  1. “Excuse me, but whenever has anyone ever heard of a weapon that WAS humane?” asks Colin Mitchell, ballistics expert. “These are devices for firing slugs of metal at people. It’s not nice, but it IS necessary. People are always so squeamish. They’ve already accepted the standard ripping through the body of the standard bullet but the moment something a little more effective is made they kick up a fuss. Typical. These nonstandard weapons should only be put into trained military hands anyway. We’re not making rocking horses here, we’re protecting Random Chaos against her enemies! Just this once, let’s try to stay ahead of them.”
  2. “That’s right, if we don’t produce these weapons we will be left behind in the arms race,” says Iris Sullivan, director of the Alliance of Rifles, Grenades, and Handguns. “These weapons are the future and it won’t just stop with the BFG-69. We’re planning on introducing the Bone-Breaker 3088-DX Sonic Rocket Launcher next year along with our anthrax grenade line. If Random Chaos is going to stay ahead of the game then it’ll just have to accept that highly destructive weaponry is part of life. We’d also like to sell it commercially to your police force and citizens if you’d just sign here...?”
  3. “No! This rifle is completely inhumane,” says Dr Moff Calder, leaning on a cane. “These weapons are unnecessarily violent - how can anyone condone something that rips apart your innards like this? How long do you think it will be before these new inventions get into the wrong hands? Shootings are bad enough but at least most people are just wounded. The BFG-69 and those of its ilk are lethal in the extreme and are completely unacceptable! We need some moral decency here and get rid of these unconventional weapons along with all the other shameful armaments like mustard gas.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, firework salesmen are regularly arrested for selling contraband "space rockets".

2021-11-20 08:30

Scattered Showers

An unfortunately botched maneuver led recently to the deorbit of an unmanned government spacecraft over Random Chaos. Intended for a deep space exploration mission, the nuclear-powered probe carried onboard several kilograms of plutonium. While the craft itself burned up harmlessly on re-entry, concerns have since been raised about the possible health and environmental effects of its radioactive payload.

  1. “The truth is, Leader, we have no idea how bad this could turn out in the long run,” drawls your Health and Safety Minister. “The fact that we’ve been using these dangerous materials with such reckless abandon is sickening. Keep nuclear power out of our skies, and impose some stricter spacecraft regulations while you’re at it. If missing out on a few cold rocks on the edge of the solar system is the price we have to pay to keep the planet safe, so be it.”
  2. “A sign! A sign!” chants Bishop Hudson, chairman of the Joint Society for the Worshipers of Miscellaneous Sky Deities. “For too long have we attempted to pierce the firmament, and those on high have finally cast back those vile toxins with which we have so desecrated their home! You must cancel this so-called ‘space program’ at once, and tear down these towering monuments to the hubris of man.”
  3. “Such backwards ignorami would have us riding by gambler-drawn cart if they could,” scoffs Space Agency chief Konrad Peters, proudly displaying his bodily constellation of tumors. “Scientific knowledge is to die for. If we are truly to conquer the final frontier, we need more nuclear power up there, not less. Ergo, full scale reactors, nuclear engines, pulse drives, everything! Per tabes, ad astra!”
  4. “And trust the government with this stuff even more?” interjects eccentric entrepreneur Ulene Murst, scrambling out of a sudden hole bored out from your office floor. “The problem here is, once again, the irresponsible state. We’d have far fewer of these ‘accidents’ if the space program had proper shareholders and investors to answer to. Privatize the space industry — let the hand of the free market loft us ever upwards.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, would-be mescaline users often describe a crawling sensation on their skin.

2021-11-20 02:30

The Problem With Peyote

The Pangaoaoangans, an indigenous native tribe of Random Chaos, have been using the illegal hallucinogen peyote in their religious ceremonies.

  1. “Drugs are bad, mmkay,” says Karol Emkay, holding a sign that says the same thing. “I love the Pangaoaoangans, but the peyote thing is a problem. Drugs ruin lives. All drugs, mmkay? They should swap something else in. Instead of peyote they could use, say, potato. Sounds almost the same, and doesn’t hurt anyone.”
  2. Chief Hoogahooga, leader of the Pangaoaoangan tribe, takes a long draught of his peace pipe before speaking with you. “Lo, don’t you want to allow the people living in your country to practice their religion freely? We do no harm, and peyote is not addictive. Peyote brings sacred visions that guide my people, and it is impossible to practice my religion and heed the words of the spirits without this all-natural, all-herbal, plant-based substance. Please, Leader, allow a special exception for drug use when part of traditional faith ceremonies.”
  3. “Peyote comes from cactuses, right? If we get rid of the cactuses, then no more problem!” suggests your Minister of Babies and Bathwater, sparking a furious debate amongst your aides regarding the correct pluralisation of cactus. “There’s a whole bunch of fungal diseases and mealybugs that we can seed across the deserts and mountains — the problem will soon be gone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nobody ever seems to enter or leave the armour-plated flying castle that serves as the seat of government.

2021-11-19 20:30

Leader Assassinated... Almost

As you very well know, a stranger with a pistol made an attempt on your life but moments ago while you were out on your lunch break. An emergency meeting has been called right here in the middle of the street after the would-be assassin disappeared over a nearby grassy knoll.

  1. “Oh dear! Oh dearie me, that was so rude!” coos your personal assistant, adjusting your tie. “You’ll just have to prove to the citizens of Random Chaos that you are a good and benevolent leader, and don’t deserve to be brutally shot in the head! The only way to keep you safe is to make the public like you! Do something nice for them! Might I suggest a nice tax cut?”
  2. “What makes you think it’s a member of the general public behind this?” asks your Head of Security, Stefanie Stone. “It’s more likely to be the work of some underground separatist group trying to remove you from power! We’ve let them have their protests and their rallies and their free speech, and now they’ve taken it to the next level! We should be cracking down on this insolence instead of rewarding it! Show the people what happens to those who dare to question your authority. You’ve got to remind them that you, Leader, are their Lord and Master!”
  3. “Whoa there! Let’s not be too hasty, bruv!” says law-abiding citizen, Barbie Butt, casually walking up to you and flinging an arm around your shoulder. “This sort of thing wouldn’t be a problem at all if you just beefed up your personal security a bit. You could hire a few extra bodyguards and get yourself a shiny new armoured car! Nobody could touch you!”
  4. “Hah! Like that will work!” snorts Gabriel Herrelko, Minister of Waste Disposal and Sanitation. “They’ll just come after the rest of us and destroy the government from the bottom up! No, we need to go even further - reinforce the Parliament! We’ll turn Random Chaos City into an impenetrable fortress! Robot bodyguards, food tasters... no expense should be spared! We should all do our jobs through a complex network of computers so we never have to leave the safety of our offices again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military has grudgingly released all top secret information in an effort for greater transparency.

2021-11-19 16:30

The Truth Is Out There?

After numerous alleged UFO sightings all over Random Chaos’s sky last night, concerned citizens are asking questions and getting no answers. Many of them are demanding that the government release all information regarding UFOs to the public.

  1. “The government has been covering up UFO activity for years,” claims Michael Meier, host of the esoteric TV show ‘Death from the Skies’. “We’re tired of hearing about weather balloons and hoaxes. If there are little green men watching and abducting us, we deserve to know. We demand that the government release all documents regarding UFOs... and everything else too! Besides, we’re better off if our military doesn’t organize shady, expensive projects.”
  2. “You can’t honestly give in to the demands of these wackos and conspiracy nuts!” gasps Five Star General Siko Stewart. “That would reveal top secret military programs like our doomsday device, I mean, new fighter jets. These things are kept secret for a reason. Do you want this information to get in the hands of Random Chaos’s enemies? I don’t think so. I say we continue to cover up these sightings and ignore those pesky ufologists asking too many questions.”
  3. “How about a compromise that pleases both the conspiracy theorists and the military?” suggests Avery Burton, an elite prevaricator from the Propaganda Ministry. “Why don’t we release some documents that just say that UFOs are real? This way the conspiracy theorists stop asking questions, and the military doesn’t have its secret projects compromised. If our military projects are discovered, like that ‘moon’ we’re building, we can just blame it on little green men. That gives you perfect deniability. It’s win-win!”
  4. As a man wearing a black suit and dark sunglasses passes your guards, they silently go rigid as their eyes roll to white. “Boss, my team has this covered,” he says in a droll monotone. “We’ll try to keep you in the loop, of course, but nothing we tell you leaves this room... ever. Of course there are aliens, and yes, there’s occasional collateral damage from random interactions, but we’re on it. You just make sure that funding doesn’t drop from the Omnibus Farm Bill your predecessor set up, and we’ll make sure nothing goes public.” He pauses and strokes his chin thoughtfully. “Is it still a privacy violation if you don’t remember being probed? Have to think on that.” He turns, taps the guards on the shoulders, and walks from the room as they dazedly recover their composure.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, insurance companies charge extortionate premiums to cover homes near waterways.

2021-11-19 08:30

Swept Away

Unusually heavy rainfall this week burst riverbanks and caused flash flooding in Random Chaos’s low-lying areas. This has sparked much debate on how the state should deal with flood damage.

  1. “We need help to recover from this horrible flood!” says Silvio Rubio, a resident of the flooded zone, trying to stop his hands from shaking. “I’ve lost everything: my house, cars, yacht. There was no time to recover anything before it was swept away. The government should compensate us for our losses. It wasn’t our idea to can the dam project, after all, and if I get no help I’ll be without a roof to live under.”
  2. “At the end of the day, they chose to live in a flood plain. Why should the government pay anything at all to these half-brained idiots?” rants Sydney Alvarez, a prominent campaigner for lower government spending. “If they want money when there’s a flood, they should get insurance and hang the expense. Make them bear the costs of their own lunacy. You don’t see ME whining about the whippersnappers that broke one of my windows last fall. Why? Because I paid for insurance!”
  3. “These floods should never have happened in the first place,” states Aphrodite Frederickson, a noted architect, with an excited glint in her eye. “They’ve caused widespread destruction and damage; the repairs will cost millions of chips, and this doesn’t count the millions more people are asking in compensation. What I propose is that the government invest heavily in massive flood defenses. Dams! Levees! Floodways! Dikes! Dams! Gates! Wall off the seas and lakes! Put flood gates on every river! No, dam them all up! Then build more dams! We’ll have no more floods in Random Chaos!”
  4. “You know what? Why don’t we use the cheap, easy solution to stop this problem?” says Gordon McFly, floating past on a makeshift raft. “Just stop people from building on flood plains. If you’re not in a floodable area, you can’t get flooded. Who’s going to complain? A bunch of real-estate developers? Please! Even the environmentalists will be happy, because the land will become some kind of nature reserve.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dozens of viewers tune in weekly to hear whether a comma has been added to Clause 5 in Subsection B of Law 58375.

2021-11-19 02:30

Ignorance Is No Excuse?

After a widely followed trial in which an ordinary citizen was prosecuted for tax evasion, insurance fraud, and serial jaywalking due to small legislative changes that were only implemented the previous month, many are questioning how changes in the law should be communicated to the general public.

  1. “It’s not my fault I broke these idiotic new laws if I wasn’t even aware they existed! How was I supposed to know that claiming my seven cats as dependents for tax purposes was no longer legal?” protests Douglas Douglas, who was recently convicted and is awaiting sentencing. “Every time new laws are put in place, there should be a two-month grace period before they can be enforced. Furthermore, to make sure each citizen is aware of the changes, the government should send regular updates on new legislation to every registered address in Random Chaos. It’s the only way to stop travesties like this from happening again!”
  2. “Nobody sends letters any more; what are you, a square?” taunts Kanya Lennon, the managing director of the Gambler News Channel. “Everyone watches TV now. Just incentivize all channels to regularly show updates on new legislation. In fact, we could have our own weekly show, hosted by celebrities like what’s-his-name, Sokka Scheer, and maybe even Judi Bacon. The people will love it, tuning in every week to watch Random Chaosian Law News Live!”
  3. “Why should the taxpayer fork out for information no one uses, or allow grace periods for corrupt people to repeatedly break laws and plead ignorance?” asks devoted penny-scrimper Buffy Gilligan, who appears to have helped herself to the entire contents of the candy dish in the lobby. “If someone wants to know something, they should have to find it out at their own expense by doing their own research. If that’s too much effort for the couch-potato youths of today, then they’ll just have to risk the legal consequences of their misguided actions!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, industry tycoons rarely hide their misdeeds due to the government's habit of bailing them out.

2021-11-18 20:30

Side Effects

Gambler Pharmaceuticals, a major international drug company based in Random Chaos, was recently linked to illegal human experimentation and an organ harvesting cult in the underdeveloped, jungle nation of Kawandaland. Its atrocities exposed, the company has gone bottom-up, throwing Random Chaosian markets into turmoil, and largely eliminating access to inexpensive medical supplies in Kawandaland.

  1. “Gambler Pharmaceuticals was both dealing diphenhydramine and defiling human rights,” states Kathryn Glover, the Random Chaosian ambassador to Kawandaland. “While they should have stayed with the former, we cannot allow this to cause a fatal reaction as far as Random Chaosian-Kawandalandian relations are concerned. Let’s begin medical aid shipments to their country. While it might not be cheap, such an action may yet preserve our honor in the eyes of these noble people.”
  2. “Oh, I’d love to bandage up Kawandaland too, ambassador,” chimes in Ozy Mombota, a top-level official in the Finance Ministry. “You do realize that our economy is being wounded by this catastrophe as well, right? I agree that the situation in Kawandaland is a sad one, but we must save ourselves while we still have the chance. Instead of spending millions of chips on medical aid, we should use those funds to stabilize our markets. It might seem cold and heartless, but I’m just following triage procedures, and I believe the bleeding is worse here in Random Chaos.”
  3. “The actions of my former employers are quite repulsive, and have left quite a mess,” admits Velma Suparman, a former representative of Gambler Pharmaceuticals. “Do not despair for I have a fast-acting, extra-strength, non-drowsy method to resolve this! If the government could nationalize the pharmaceutical industry, then it’s only a matter of time before the markets rally back and we can eventually shift our interest back towards Kawandaland.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, carpal tunnel syndrome is on the rise.

2021-11-18 15:30

Failure to Launch

The Random Chaosian Space Agency’s newest rocket exploded shortly after takeoff, a tragedy many have attributed to the fact that its trajectory was plotted by slide rules and protractors.

  1. “Our space agency will fail spectacularly if we don’t have advanced computing methods!” prognosticates frizzy-haired head of the Random Chaosian Space Agency Esma Kettering, shaking nervously as she tries to perform differential calculus on an abacus. “You can keep distracting gadgets away from the common folk, but if you want us to shoot for the moon, please let us use computers on the job!” A row of beads comes loose from the abacus, spilling everywhere.
  2. Former computer manufacturer Karsang Riker hastily trips over the strewn beads. “If you just legalise computers for the entire nation, not only can you help our rocket men, you can help the economy get back on track. I’m sure people will be thrilled to download the latest antivirus software!”
  3. “If we want to keep our space program pure and full of national spirit, we need to find a solution other than electronics,” complains emeritus professor Paris Young. “This is just a tragic symptom of our citizens’ innumeracy. Ensure the next generation has strong mathematical aptitude, and we’ll be charting fresh courses in no time.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the lactose-intolerant are force-fed cheese products with predictably gassy results.

2021-11-18 08:30

Would a Rochebaron by Any Other Name Smell Just as Sweet?

A newly-founded religious group, Vive La Chèvre, has vigorously protested the government’s hard line against dairy farming.

  1. “It’s edam shame that cheese isn’t a delicious sector of our economy!” declares the fanatical Val Taleggio, who appears to have constructed clothing out of a variety of dairy products. “Cheese is love. Cheese is life. We must force people to eat cheese, regardless of their dietary problems, so everyone can learn to love one another in the name of dairy. Otherwise poor souls will live forever provolone.” He then starts building a shrine of cheese around your desk.
  2. “Cry me a river of cow’s milk. Cheese is an offense to our culture and everything we stand for, ¡No Parmesan!” decries perpetually confused anti-fascist and lifelong turophobe Jack Monterey. “It’s a vile and disgusting food that at least .02% of Random Chaos’s population believes to be immoral. The masses have spoken: cheese must be caerphilly removed from every corner of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Surely there’s potential for a compromise between those two emmental cases,” says Chippy Cheesie, president of Marche Noire’s biggest dairy firm. “Cheese is a promising sector of the Random Chaosian economy with huge potential for growth. It would be awful gouda you to spend a few tax chips to help build up a dairy industry from scratch. I’m sure Random Chaosians will appreciate having more of their food grown domestically, so the subsidy could even be popular.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's new foreign policy of 'very disproportionate retribution' has its neighbors on edge.

2021-11-18 02:30

A Taste of Revenge

A spectacular but failed attempt on your life made national news today. Interrogation of captured suspects has pinned the blame on agents of the nation of Blackacre, with which Random Chaos has notoriously chilly relations. Your cabinet is divided as to how to respond.

  1. “Assassins, huh? Well, two can play at that game!” says Warren McCue, your chief military adviser. “An eye for an eye! A tooth for a tooth! An assassination for a... missed shot, I suppose. Never mind that, think of the possibilities! Not only can we strike back at the scumbags who sent this assassin after you, we can turn our attention to... ‘manipulating’ the positions of foreign leaders and political rivals that stand in the way of Random Chaos’s glory.” He then points two fingers at the wall and mouths ‘bang bang’ noises.
  2. “Sending assassins to avenge you isn’t enough!” argues hawkish talk-show host, Harambe Ebert. “The fact that Blackacre is this bold means we haven’t made them fear us yet - and a nation that isn’t feared isn’t respected. We need to do the only thing we CAN do: bomb their cities! Raise a revolution! Salt their fields! It may cost money, but our nation’s honor is priceless.”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” says the muffled voice of Marin Longfellow, an anti-violence protestor who was, until now, hiding in your air vents. “By building up our military-industrial complex, WE have become the aggressor. WE are giving nations like Blackacre good reasons to hate us! No wonder they tried to kill you - we aren’t giving them enough breathing room. If we cut back our military a bit and sent them a fruit basket now and then these problems would never happen.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all astronauts are hot twenty-something models selected because they have 'the right stuff'.

2021-11-17 20:30

To Boldly Go?

As the government prepares for its latest budget, the Random Chaosian Space Agency is looking for direction from you. Petitioners have been transported to your office to present their ideas.

  1. “We should seek out new life and new civilisation,” implores William Kirk, an elderly utopian SF author and astronomer. “There are trillions of stars, and it’s mad to believe Earth alone harbours intelligence. There might be alien green-skinned lovelies, just waiting for contact with a real man. We need telescopes and exploration probes, aimed at the second star to the right, and straight on till morning. Show some enterprise. See what’s out there... That-away.”
  2. “They call it a space race, but being first at any cost is not always the point,” suggests reformist politician Patrick Picard, looking suspiciously at five lightbulbs illuminating the room. “Attend to the small details at the Random Chaosian Space Agency. Are they assimilating all the men and women needed, in an equal and fair fashion? Sometimes a counsellor can be of as much value as a pilot.” He takes a sip of hot Earl Violet tea. “I may be accused of being overly methodical, but these things matter. Suspend launches for now, and attend to infrastructure. Make it so.”
  3. “Space, I regret to say, is a dangerous place,” offers gruff base-commander and part-time gourmet chef Avery Sisko. “It’s not just about science, nor about being an emissary for corporate profits. It’s about security. Near-Earth space is getting crowded, with a multitude of nations seeking absolute dominion. You don’t want the East Lebatuckese to get any further with their space program, do you? Who knows what they’re doing up there with that Sputnak satellite? We need a new kind of space ship, to show our defiance of those agendas. One with guns. Lots of guns.”
  4. “Is anyone else here kind of bored?” yells young tearaway William Kirk Jr., revving his motorbike as he rides into your office, in clear contravention of rules and regulations. “We gotta make space exciting again for people, make the old things new again! Not just dry data and lore for tech-geeks, but awesomeness for ordinary people who like explosions, and lens-flared sunsets, and stuff like that. Reboot the Space Agency! Let’s have firework displays, televised low orbit skydiving, and celebrity astronauts with great hair! I dare you to do better!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation gives peace a chance - usually one in a million.

2021-11-17 14:30

Gunning for Profits

The diplomatic peace process between historic enemies Maxtopia and North Bigtopia is gaining momentum, to the delight of many who have worked hard to end this decades-long conflict. However, many Random Chaosian defence contractors are feeling less than celebratory, as the outbreak of peace has led to both nations cancelling longstanding and lucrative arms deals.

  1. “We’ve got cancellations on multiple big-ticket items, including a squadron of Blue Gambler fighter jets,” complains arms manufacturing bigwig Hayley Richards. “Jobs and profit margins are at risk! If you want a healthy defence industry in this country, you have to persuade the two nations to renew their contracts. If that means napalming them until they comply, then so be it! Shall I put you down for a dozen long-range bombers?”
  2. “Look, we don’t have to be so blatant about things,” whispers your new janitor, who you realize is actually the CEO of Armat Battlefield Systems in an elaborate wig. “All you need is a dozen of your most loyal and discreet black ops soldiers wearing Maxtopian uniforms and carrying M41s, the rifle of choice of the Maxtopian Colonial Marine. Send them into North Bigtopia, have them shoot up a government building, and make sure they’re caught on camera. Next thing you know, we’ll all be back in business.”
  3. “Sometimes markets change; we just have to adapt,” suggests Malcolm Yew, the pragmatic director of a start-up company specialising in fragmentary grenades. “Maybe the thing to do is to get rid of any restrictions on civilian ownership of military vehicles and weapons, and let us make more sales to the masses rather than to nation-states. I mean, what red-blooded young man wouldn’t like his own mobile missile launcher?”
  4. “Why don’t we go with the flow rather than make war on the peace process?” asks Diplomatic Corps Director Sarah Fallon, bringing you a nice cup of tea. “Scale down our own military spending, subsidise business interests that can profit from peace in the region, and let our own economy become less dependent on manufacturing the tools of destruction. Oh, that’s weird,” she declares, while brushing at a glowing red dot that has appeared over her chest.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sections of the police receive paramilitary training.

2021-11-17 08:30

Police on Overkill Mode?

When the police recently used a main battle tank to stop a robbery in downtown Random Chaos City, many questioned whether the police should be buying up army surplus.

  1. “I thought the police were there to make things better!” cries Christopher Rifkin, gesturing towards the devastated shopfront. “One moment I was being held up by a guy in a mask. The next thing I know a 50 ton war machine is roaring through my shop! Instead of some derelict stealing the money in the till, the police pulverized the entire building! Surely that tank was overkill? They’re cops, not commandos.”
  2. The offending tank drives up to your office with sirens blaring, stopping just before it hits the building. The tank’s turret swivels towards your head, then the hatch swings open and Officer Hope Yossef pops out. “Howdy! So ... you heard about that robbery we crushed - literally - downtown with Bessie here? I just want to say that militarization is the best thing that ever happened to law enforcement. Never been easier to strike fear into the hearts of criminals! In fact, you should loosen the rules of procurement for police equipment. Then we could have some real toys! To deal with gangs, of course, not to run around like drunken idiots.”
  3. “Officer Friendly here appears to overestimate the logical potential for heavy weaponry in everyday law enforcement,” complains Chief of Department Maximus Falopian while glaring at the tank outside your office. “Special weapons and tactics have their place in hostage negotiation and riot control, but they shouldn’t be deployed routinely. We should have heavily armed paramilitary police units, but they should be elites reserved for exceptional circumstances.”
  4. The tank drives off, ruining the gardens around your office. “I can’t believe you let amateurs use heavy armor,” comments Sigourney Mann, a military attaché from Maxtopia. “Occupying unruly neighborhoods can reduce unrest, but only if the job is done by professionals. Let the army handle all police work from now on, and you won’t have untrained idiots demolishing every street sign in their path. Nothing maintains law and order quite like the barrel of a gun and a proper curfew.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens select which government department gets their income tax chips each year.

2021-11-17 02:30

Citizens Struggle Under “Unfair” Tax Burden

A recent poll has revealed high levels of dissatisfaction among the populace about tax rates.

  1. “Do you know how much of my year’s work goes to the government?” demands angry worker Cassidy Dawson. “Too much! Government spending has gotten way out of control. It needs big cuts in welfare, health, and education. But leave those subsidies to business alone. We need them to create jobs.”
  2. “It’s not the AMOUNT of tax, it’s where the burden falls,” says student activist Harsh Kumar. “And at the moment, far too much of the burden is falling on the poor. People on high incomes still have more money than people on low incomes. I don’t think I need to say anything more than that.”
  3. “I don’t object to the amount of tax, I object to where it’s being spent,” says social reformer Marina Ross. “I’d like to see everyone have a choice as to where their chips go every time they fill out a tax return. Everyone would feel a lot better about opening their wallets if they had a say as to where the money went. I think you’d see a lot more public money going to education and a lot less to business.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, when shaking hands with foreign leaders Leader wears an armoured gauntlet.

2021-11-16 20:30

A Sticky End for Leader?

After the recent Syrupgate Scandal (where your niece was seen eating pancakes with a non-maple-based sweetener) relations between Brancaland and Random Chaos have reached an all-time low. Hoping to patch things over, a formal head of state visit has been arranged. On the itinerary is an open-top ride through their national park in a traditional moose-drawn carriage. However, security staff have expressed some concerns about this.

  1. “Have you heard of the Sons of the Maple?” asks your security chief, nervously checking behind your desk for hidden assassins. “They’re hard-line Brancalanders who haven’t forgiven Syrupgate and they’ve promised to throw a bucket of syrup over your head. Look, someone as important as you is always going to have enemies, and security is paramount. You should travel only in our own armoured vehicles, and have your safety provided only by our own security services. It’s a dangerous world — you have to be pragmatic.”
  2. “According to the World Census, Brancaland is in the top 5% safest nations in the world,” reassures your Minister for Diplomacy, who is known to be quite ambitious. “You’re as safe within their borders as you are within your own front room. We should show some trust in Brancalandian security arrangements. After that, I think we could boost your international standing if you visited the front lines of war-torn Maxtopia and try to bring some healing to that broken nation.”
  3. “When are you going to learn there’s no place that’s as safe as home?” queries your Minister of Domestic Affairs. “Besides, we’ve got problems enough here for you to deal with. You should cancel all state visits for the foreseeable future, and pledge to remain in Random Chaos, putting your safety as well as the needs of Random Chaosians first.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 'I'm Coming Out' has shot to the top of the nation's music charts.

2021-11-16 14:30

Come Give Leader a Kiss!

The Gay Liberation Front, a civil rights group in Random Chaos, has been trying to draw attention to the nation’s restrictive laws on sexual freedom by doctoring photos of senior government officials so they appear to be kissing others of the same sex. Outraged, a group of conservative citizens have gathered in Random Chaos City’s main thoroughfare to try to burn the offending images.

  1. “These lowlifes have absolutely no regard for this nation’s proud figures of authority!” bellows your torch-carrying Minister of Culture and National Heritage, stomping angrily on a recreated photo of the both of you. “Not only are they trying to subvert traditions that have guided our great nation, they have also made us the laughing stock of The Hatrackia! Only by seizing and burning all portrayals of non-traditional values and ideologies, plus anything that could possibly be used to represent those ideologies, can we hope to burn out this disease from our society!”
  2. “Conceal? Don’t feel? Don’t let them know?” gasps gay rights activist Hayao Cruise, his ice-white hair slightly singed in several places. “Well, now you know!” he exclaims, tearing off his coat and revealing a sparkly rainbow-coloured dress. “Let go of these oppressive policies on same-sex attraction. You are actively harming innocent men, women, boys, and girls with these draconian policies. Homosexuality is natural, and it harms no one! Don’t let fear control you.”
  3. “Oh, that’s way too much colour for my poor straight eyes,” says your Minister of Compromise, quickly averting her gaze. “But perhaps they have a point; we have been most impolite and unneighbourly to the LGBTs. Yet we can’t just throw our traditions overboard for a minority. Why don’t we let these LGBTs be themselves, but they have to remain underground? That way they can live how they want, but anyone who wants to avoid them doesn’t see or hear a thing!”
  4. “You know, those activists did get one thing right,” your Press Secretary and self-proclaimed number one fan says, lovingly stroking a photo of the two of you locked in an embrace. “By spreading your likeness all across Random Chaos, it will lift up our citizens with inspiration and hope. Surely only great things would happen if your visage could be seen in every painting, sculpture or image throughout the country! You must make it so that all artwork in Random Chaos can only depict you.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the national water supply has entered detox.

2021-11-16 08:30

Water Palaver

The last remaining health advocates in Random Chaos have approached your office with a list of grievances about the “special additives” your government has placed in the water supply.

  1. An aging punk rocker with faded tattoos of X’s on her hands argues, “The government adding chemicals to the water was a terrible idea. Forcing us all to drink these things against our will; that’s a breach of bodily autonomy. People should be allowed, at least, to choose to opt-out of this harebrained program. Sure, providing PURE bottled drinking water to the citizens who want it would increase taxes, but think of all the jobs it would create! With clean hydration, our nation could accomplish so much more.”
  2. “Duuuuuude, we didn’t go far enough,” wheezes Josh Kidman, creeping into your office from an open window. “It was a great idea to put chems in the water, and it’d be an even greater idea to get some feel-good drugs into the cocktail. Everybody must get stoned, man; it’s like that song. Now, it is a shame and an outrage, dear leader, that users of certain socially stigmatized drugs continue to be left out in the cold. It isn’t fair that people who like to drink the tap water get it for free, while I have to spend my hard-earned chips importing rare diamondback licking-toads. The government should add more highs to the supply, man! Subsidize recreational drug use!”
  3. “So many voices. So many opinions. So many options...” intones your sinister intern, Nosipho Rios, shrouded in kretek smoke. “Some people need drugs to keep them calm and supporting our party. Others need drugs to feel good when they inevitably get stuck in miserable, pointless, dead-end jobs. Others, still, might benefit from drugs that help them go berserk on the battlefield. Naturally, government officials such as myself would benefit greatly from enforcing, shall we say, selective sobriety. Best of all, we could harness the power of addiction! People would have to listen to us - or else!”
  4. “That sounds... downright frightening,” shudders Wangchu Zaius, your medical advisor. “If I may be honest, I think we went too far when we laced the public water supply. I’m not saying we should ban anything, but we really shouldn’t force anyone to ingest these substances. People shouldn’t have to collect rainwater if they just want a refreshing drink.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Welfare Programs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gun shops sell hook hands and eye patches.

2021-11-16 02:30

Don’t Shoot Your Eye Out

A series of accidental shootings and catastrophic malfunctions has triggered debate surrounding the safety and reliability of civilian firearms.

  1. “I bought a pistol, not a grenade!” shouts former military officer Zhiku Svensson, his arm suspended in a sling. “I was mugged yesterday, but when I tried to defend myself, my handgun exploded and almost killed me! This cannot continue! All firearm companies must prioritize weapon safety and rigorously test their products to prove they are reliable.”
  2. “This reveals an underlying problem: our firearms need an update,” explains corporate futurist Denethor Carpenter, polishing his toy ray-gun. “Random Chaos ought to innovate and overhaul civilian weapons with emerging tech like biometrics, recoil-dampening composites, and interwoven electronics. The resulting smart guns would limit accidents while also improving safety. Just shoot a grant or two at gun-makers to cover the cost of R&D.”
  3. “Safer guns are pointless if the average shooter can’t clean a barrel,” asserts firearms instructor Jennifer Hopkins. “Random Chaosian guns are notoriously unreliable, but their frequent malfunctions can be minimized with proper upkeep. All gun owners should be required to complete a training course in weapons maintenance. Maybe then I won’t get dirty looks when asking clients if they’re stripping.”
  4. “Y’all betta not be tryna mess with my guns,” says Newt Perez, wielding a rusted, homemade shotgun. “Random Chaosian guns work just fine, and we don’t need no safety courses or fancy microchips! All those accidents is just weedin’ out the butt-brains!” He fires his weapon into the air, and the barrel shatters.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's first space rocket -- sponsored by Eckie-Ecola and shaped like an enormous soda bottle -- is being developed.

2021-11-15 20:30

Random Chaos Looks to the Stars

The recent popularity of a science-fiction TV show has prompted calls for Random Chaos to develop its own space program.

  1. “Don’t tell me space colonies wouldn’t be cool,” says excited fifth-grade teacher Douglas Dubois, still wearing big Spock ears from his last convention. “Think of how they would galvanize the national population! And there would also be some kind of scientific benefit, probably.”
  2. “The project certainly is feasible, but very expensive,” says Random Chaosian Space Agency Head Kanya Li. “We could make it less of a burden on the taxpayers if we sought funding from private industry — advertisements on the side of our rockets, selling contracts to the Arms Manufacturing industry, that kind of thing.”
  3. “If God had meant Man to fly, he would have given us solid rocket boosters instead of legs,” says religious type Ola Schwarzenegger. “We should not be looking to the stars, but rather inside our own hearts. That’s why we should abandon this so-called space program, and instead make the teaching of religion mandatory in all schools.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Enforcer" to "Eminence Grise".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, child adoption by homosexual couples has been outlawed.

2021-11-15 14:30

Two Mommies One Too Many?

The commercial release of the controversial children’s book ‘Heather Has Two Mommies’ in Random Chaos has sparked debate over laws concerning the adoption of children by homosexual couples.

  1. “I cannot understand for the life of me why anyone could possibly be against this,” complains Jacob Kantelberg, showing up at your office wearing a pink feather boa. “Bart and I are good and caring people and will make excellent fathers, so what’s the problem? All of the scientific studies have shown that there’s no difference in the wellbeing of children raised by gay and straight couples. All that’s holding these little darlings back from the happy family life that they deserve is the outdated prejudices of some prudes. All we want is to adopt a child to call our own. It’ll be fabulous!”
  2. “I don’t care what these so-called scientific studies say,” says Whoopi Lawson, representing a number of conservative religious organisations. “How can a boy hope to develop properly into a man if he’s being brought up by poofs? A father figure is not supposed to behave as if it is ‘okay’ to be, um, romantically invested in another man - and the same goes for lesbians! Why? Because it is not okay. It’ll just give them gay! Think about it: say you have two gay gamblers - they can’t have children because nature did not provide them with the tools and if God wanted gays to have kids then they would have those tools. Don’t legalise this blasphemy! Think of the children!”
  3. “This just doesn’t go far enough in my opinion,” grumbles Colleen Sanders, an ardent opponent to homosexuality. “The more concessions we give these people, the more they’ll reduce our nation to the most embarrassing gayfest of all the region! We’ll be a joke! Homosexuality is a sin, and not only that it’s a disease of society and there’s no two ways about it. It must be criminalised and those responsible hanged just like in the good old days.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, women wearing male lounge-wear are quizzed for hours by mental health practitioners.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2021-11-15 08:30

Transgender Recognition Demanded

After tabloid magazine “The Bun” outed supermodel Cho Taylor as having been born male, the fashion world has gone into a frenzy, with the organisers of Random Chaos City Fashion Week barring the model from the runway. Social media has gone into meltdown with commentators from all sides of the argument demanding that the government step in.

  1. “I have gone through twenty years of internal pain about my external appearance, and I’ve put so much effort and money into finally having the world see the real me!” blogs the model. “Gender isn’t a binary proposition: gender identity is not necessarily the gender assigned at birth. I was fortunate to have private funds and supportive parents, but not all are so lucky. Please recognise my right to self-determination of identity, and help those like me get the surgery and medicine they need.”
  2. “Look, man is man and woman is woman: it’s written in our chromosomes. You can’t choose to be a different gender any more than you can choose to say you’re a gambler,” broadcasts right-wing talk radio host Lucius Chavez. “Hey, a man wants the liberty to dress as a woman, I won’t deny him that: just don’t expect the taxpayer to pay for his operations and medicines.”
  3. “Well I got a problem with these cross-dressers,” spits cargo-hauler Herschel Ives. “One time I thought I was hitting on this waitress at the pie shop, only turns out she was a he. Man, it sickens me. Lock dem all in an asylum till they get their heads straight!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, heavy industry must go to expensive lengths to dispose of waste.

2021-11-15 02:30

Waste Going to Waste, Says Industry Lobby

Random Chaos’s industries have an ever-growing amount of toxic wastes to dispose of, and doing so in safe ways is becoming prohibitively expensive, leading a group of lobbyists to try and pressure the government into changing existing disposal laws.

  1. “These waste dumping laws are destroying our businesses!” rants Declan Zhimo, head of the Random Chaos Bigger Business Bureau. “We need cheaper ways to eliminate industrial by-products, which really aren’t as harmful as people think, such as pouring them into rivers or deep ocean ravines where they’re harmless to us. Let’s remember that the products we manufacture make your life easier and more fun!”
  2. “A better way to deal with this problem is to convince the public it isn’t a problem at all,” whispers Jennifer Fforde, head of Scamcorp, an industrial think tank. “Fudge some research, declare that the chemical by-products from industrial processing and production actually make one’s teeth and bones healthier. Then, sell them to municipalities to add to their drinking water! Yes! This will not only save us the trouble of disposing of the waste correctly, we’ll be able to sell it at a profit! I can taste the money already!”
  3. “These corrupt, money-hungry corporations are only looking out for themselves and their bottom line!” says Nelson Martinez, an environmentalist from northern Random Chaos. “The government needs to enact stricter laws for how these companies can dump their waste safely, and when they poison the environment and Random Chaosians the government needs the authority and manpower to enforce harsh penalties! These companies make their messes, they should pay to clean them up!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children fear compulsory visits to their spiritual advisors more than the dentist.

2021-11-14 20:30

Possession, Protection or Poppycock?

After tarot cards and a Ouija-board were found in the dormitory of three teenage girls who committed suicide, paranormal objects and occult rites have become the center of a heated debate on the rising popularity of New Age spirituality.

  1. “Obviously these girls killed themselves because they lost their spiritual war with the demons they thought fun to summon,” muses Caliban Gennaro, notorious street preacher and self-taught exorcist. “Although, I don’t blame them for being attracted to the occult, no, everyone needs spirituality. Our children just need the proper guidance, so they stay clear of the dangerous forms. The easiest way to ensure that is, of course, you banning everything that has any link with the New Age. That’ll keep those demons out. Or is it in? Anyways, ban it!”
  2. “Please don’t listen to this traditional sorry-soul,” pontificates Deborah Dihmonghali, self-proclaimed goddess and yoga-instructor, pausing briefly from transcending space and time. “Certainly there are some bad spirits out there, but you can’t beat them by robbing us of all our spiritual weapons. Instead, you should subsidize their production and make half-yearly visits to a spiritual advisor compulsory for everyone. Only then will your citizens be pure and strong enough to repel the forces of evil and remain in the light.”
  3. “Possession? Are you serious?” queries Harriet Mendez, your unbearably uptight Minister of Conventional Solutions, while closing your curtains so as to not let the sunshine in. “These girls clearly had some issues, but not of the demonic kind. Depressed teenagers need to be dealt with through education and our health system, not through ‘channeling’, dirty bacchanals or waiting for Jupiter to align with Mars. Funky New Age spirituality only makes these things worse, especially for sensitive youngsters. To prevent this kind of thing in the future, we must increase mental health spending and set a minimum age on alternative religion.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sex education has become an intricate maze of stick figures and complex metaphors.

2021-11-14 14:30

Sex Education Too Sexy, Say Parents

Mandatory sex education has become the target of criticism after a new information video starring animated genitalia was shown to first-graders last week. Parenting groups from all over Random Chaos are in an uproar, claiming the video is excessively graphic and nothing but smut with a cute soundtrack.

  1. “You know, I’m as ‘with it’ as the rest of them,” says unbearably un-cool mother of three Fumiko Lobachevsky, while adjusting her velvet scrunchie. “But excuse me if I feel a bit ‘iffy’ about my kids being shown hardcore stuff at school. I said it when you insisted on the mandatory sex education, and I’ll say it again, genitals and naked bodies should have no place in our schools. Take it off the curriculum, for everybody!”
  2. “I’d hardly call Mr. P and Lady V ‘hardcore’,” counters Thupten Sestero, a professional pragmatic who seemingly just materialized from the grey shades of bureaucracy. “The latest evaluation actually shows that the sex education program is doing wonders. However, people really are up at arms about this, aren’t they? Let’s suggest a compromise: mandatory sex education is here to stay, but we’ll tone down the imagery and phraseology. I’m sure we’ll be able to get the point across to the kids, if you know what I mean!”
  3. “The real problem is that the videos aren’t detailed and instructive enough!” exclaims Leandro Barnes, a prominent adult entertainer who also happens to be the Professor of Pedagogy at the University of Random Chaos City. “Let me and my colleagues take over production, and I’ll guarantee that the kids will really learn the ins and outs of it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, street preachers sell salvation with a side order of shame on every corner.

2021-11-14 08:30

Preach It!

Street preachers delivering their sermons and self-proclaimed salvation have been popping up all over Random Chaos.

  1. “These people chase all of my customers away!” exclaims restaurateur Virgil Martinez. “I own a premier establishment in downtown Random Chaos City. Every day I lose more and more business thanks to these crazy bigots and extremists rambling on about the ‘end times’ and ‘confessing our sins’! One of them tried to convert my cook! For the sake of every business owner in the nation, you must ban street preaching.”
  2. “What about my right to speak the truth?” questions Casimir Smit, who often holds impromptu ‘sermons’ outside of government buildings. “As opposed to popular belief, I do not preach hate. I am the deliverer of salvation and you shall not interfere! All Random Chaosians are equal before our Creator and will be judged irrespective of wealth or status! Follow me and together we will be prepared to face the end days to come!”
  3. “There is a better way to go about this,” suggests Heather Bonaparte, your Minister of Compromises. “The most common complaints against street preaching are on the grounds of harassment and noise pollution. I say the most logical approach is to administer permits to those who wish to speak on public property, with a police presence to make sure they don’t cause any trouble. That’s fair, right?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, retirement homes are often fitted with luxurious suites.

2021-11-14 02:30

Pensioners in Protest

Falling standards at the retirement homes of Random Chaos have prompted OAPs to take to the streets and demand better treatment.

  1. “There needs to be more done for the elderly,” says Lucy Chicago, a resident of ‘This Old Man’ retirement home. “We can’t work to support ourselves anymore, and the pensions we get are measly. We need more benefits such as higher standards of living, free bus tickets, and a continuous supply of chips. All it requires is a little more generosity on the part of the tax payers - after all, we fought the war for their sort.”
  2. “I’m not giving any of my hard-earned wages to a bunch of old fossils,” says Samuel Janeway, a devout taxpayer. “If they weren’t smart enough to save enough money for their later years, then why should the government pay out for them now? They had their chance and they didn’t take it. If they really want money so bad, they can go out and work for it like everyone else.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people across the world seek to be healthier by eliminating carbs.

2021-11-13 20:30

Grave Disease

A group of teenagers have stumbled across an abandoned graveyard in the highest mountains of Random Chaos containing bodies infected with a new, unknown, and deadly strain of Maxtopian Pox — a disease previously thought eradicated. With the infected teenagers isolated in hospital, you have called an emergency meeting with top virologists to discuss available options.

  1. “This virus, inadvertently reactivated following permafrost excavation, was thought to be fully eradicated a few decades ago,” exclaims Theresa Butt, wearing a full hazmat suit. “If it spreads, it could cause devastation in Random Chaos on an unprecedented scale! Simply put, both our immune systems and the pharmacological armory are not prepared to face this threat. We must quarantine ground zero and offer vaccinations to nearby settlements, unless you want a pandemic on your hands.”
  2. “Humanity eradicated the Maxtopian Pox by vaccinating every single person,” whispers public health official Buffy Herrelko, trying to stick a needle in you. “But these days, we have become complacent. In preparation for the inevitable outbreak, we must mandate routine vaccination against the Maxtopian Pox for everyone! Those who refuse to be vaccinated should face fines and be locked down in their own homes to prevent the disease from spreading.”
  3. “Deadly disease, you say?” cheerfully asks one of your more jingoistic advisers. “This is a great opportunity to bolster our military presence in The Hatrackia, and you’re just letting it go to waste! I say dig up the bodies, bring them to the totally non-existent Area 50, and use them as biological weapons! Everyone’s going to think twice about attacking us now!”
  4. “You can save humanity by saving the planet!” yells a messy-looking teenage protester who just entered your office through a window. “Climate change is causing the ice to melt, releasing deadly diseases that have been trapped for centuries. To prevent epidemics, we must stop climate change. Enforce tougher environmental regulations in Random Chaos. Eliminate carbon emissions! Forget the immediate crisis; we have to prevent future ones!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, illegal immigration remains a hot topic.

2021-11-13 14:30

Livin’ on a Prayer

A church in Random Chaos City has been acting as a sanctuary for illegal immigrants in danger of being deported. This is because, in accordance with long-standing tradition, members of law enforcement avoid entering places of worship and arresting people while services are ongoing. The church is now on the twentieth day of a marathon service in an attempt to keep a family from facing immediate deportation.

  1. “This is nothing more than a blatant attempt to keep the laws of Random Chaos from being enforced,” sermonizes the Director of Random Chaosian Border Enforcement, standing over a terrain model of the church and the surrounding area. “We cannot allow these rats to take advantage of our system. This dumb tradition should be scrapped. Just give me the word, and my people will storm the church and apprehend these illegals in a matter of minutes. We’ll also arrest all those who sheltered the family. No one should get away with aiding and abetting criminals, no matter how godly they think they are.”
  2. “God will judge you harshly if you let these officers storm a sacred place, since he cares for the homeless, the tempest-tost,” pontificates a clergy member from the church at the crux of the matter. “For the government to forcibly enter our church, interrupt our service, and arrest church members is a violation of our religious freedom. Instead of doing something so evil, this poor family should be granted asylum for all the hardships Random Chaos has put them through. Make it easier for people like them to become residents of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Fire and brimstone!” preaches Samuel Herod, your Minister for State Security. “These churchgoers need to be taught a lesson. The clergy claim they are following the will of their god by protecting this family, but how can they truly know unless they are able to ask? We can do them a favor and sure as hell send them to whatever higher power they believe in to get a definitive answer. Just imagine this: in a tragic accident, the church burns down, trapping everyone inside an unfortunate, fiery grave. We can pin it on one of those extremist groups.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, motorbike jousters live young and die fast.

2021-11-13 08:30

Jolly Jousting Japes

A motley group of sportsmen, equestrians, and medieval reenactment enthusiasts have petitioned the government to bring back the sport of jousting.

  1. “It’ll be awesome!” exclaims medieval scholar Malcolm Whedon, pointing to a painting depicting the ancient sport. “Bringing back such a revered part of our past would invigorate our cultural life! That said, we’d need to do it the old-fashioned way — meaning a full commitment to lances, armour, and fine horses. What do you say? Let’s bring the past to life!”
  2. “I think we need to jazz it up a little,” suggests popular daredevil Sarah Knievel. “Instead of jousters using horses and lances, what if they instead play on motorbikes and sports cars? Participants can even use a variety of weapons, such as maces and axes! It’ll be bloody, but we’ll have so much fun!”
  3. “This proposal gave me an interesting thought,” ponders your Treasury Minister Angela Leach, admiring her reflection in a polished shield. “Jousting could very well be a boon for the economy. We could even get the gambling industry in on it: let people place bets on jousting matches while we take a cut of the proceeds. I doubt event coordinators will have any problem filling stadiums with people who’d pay top dollar to experience this real-life, exciting sport!”
  4. “Why are we only focusing on jousting?” asks posh aristocrat Emmanuel Santos as he cleans his glasses. “Don’t you think times were simpler and better when everyone knew their place? There were benevolent lords in their manors, peasants merrily tilling the fields, even courtly jousts conducted by illustrious knights. Shouldn’t we do our part to make these traditional values a reality again?”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos is renowned for its lax gun laws.

2021-11-13 02:30

With Liberty, Freedom, and Guns for All?

After the banning of firearms in Random Chaos, the underground Random Chaos Handgun Association went public, staging huge protests in an effort to turn over the firearms ban.

  1. “We need our guns back!” shouts Ivan Bowie, wildly waving a water pistol in the air. “This is an infringement on our personal rights! If someone went and killed a bunch of people with a cricket bat would you ban them too? Sure people will be killed, but that’s the price you’ve gotta pay for freedom! These liberals keep talking about legalising drugs because if we can’t control them, we might as well join them. Humbug! I say we should do the same for guns!”
  2. “Nonsense!” insists Michelle Mires, while handcuffing herself to your leg. “Guns pose a risk to people’s lives! No one should have the freedom to be stupid! Do you realise just how easy it could be for someone to get hold of a gun and just go and kill people? If you allow everyone to have guns, you’re going to be condemning people to death! The answer to safety isn’t more guns - it’s more policemen on the beat, more serious attention brought to gun-smuggling, and banning toy guns and gun-related violence on the television. We’ve got to get it into people’s heads - guns are BAD.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no one knows how to tie a reef knot.

2021-11-12 20:30

Scouting for Boys, Girls... Anyone?

The Random Chaosian Scouts, a volunteer youth group that teaches boys and girls outdoor survival skills, are reporting sharply declining numbers. The organization’s annual meet was attended by just seven and a half Scouts (as there was an unfortunate accident involving a canoe made out of recycled soup cans). Some within the community are urging the government to help revive interest in outdoor pursuits among young people.

  1. “Dear Leader, we humbly beg your favor!” is spelled out in woodcraft sign language on a poster decorated with pictures of tents, trees, and wild gamblers. The Scout who brought the poster into your office begins to explain, “Scouting has really suffered from a lack of state support. We give back to the community, learn valuable life skills, and get to socialize with other young people, all in the spirit of Random Chaosian patriotism. And with some government funding, maybe we could afford some slightly less frayed guide ropes for our climbing wall?”
  2. “Scouting is a hobby, nothing more,” grumbles notoriously chip-pinching auditor Kalden Deming. “What’s next, are we going to start giving subsidies to model aircraft building clubs? Knitting circles? Mustache enthusiasts? Treasury funds are for essential projects only. If the Scouts can’t get by without direct state support, then they should be allowed to fail.”
  3. “You’re talking about ending a tradition of Scouting that goes back more than a century!” complains Otohime Larson, a military historian who has won several awards for exceptionally dry accounts of dramatic battles. “I got my start in fieldcraft as a Scout, just like many of our nation’s greatest heroes. The young people of today don’t know what they’re missing out on. In fact, maybe if you forced them all to join the Scouts, they’d soon see what fun it was!”
  4. “All this tradition stuff is exactly why kids aren’t interested in Scouting anymore,” snarks your appallingly cynical niece, who only looks up from her phone to roll her eyes. “What use are badges for campfire building and map reading when we have central heating and GPS? If Scouting taught some more modern skills, maybe you’d have more young people interested.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosians caught jaywalking often have their houses seized by the police.

2021-11-12 16:00

Your Stuff Is Forfeit

Property rights advocates and drug law reformers are up in arms this week. In the largest criminal asset forfeiture in Random Chaos’s history, the immense mansion of prominent citizen Alvin Woofsdale was seized after his nephew was arrested for dealing drugs. With the property already at auction and the legislature twiddling its thumbs as usual, your chief of staff invited the loudest voices into your office to vent their opinions on the matter.

  1. “Forfeiture is a barbaric, medieval practice whose time has come,” grumbles Woofsdale as he compulsively rubs his nose. “I had no idea what that little scamp was doing; heck, I wasn’t even in the country at the time! Yet the police can seize and sell off my whole house without even charging me with a crime, let alone convicting me! And ordinary folks are even worse off when it happens to them, who’s gonna help them get their homes back? It’s simply time to stop, if we believe in freedom, we must outlaw forfeiture!”
  2. “If cops take a little money from drug dealers and their associates, I ain’t seeing no problems with it,” bluntly states the trench coat clad Kumar Small, who has a prominent scar on his face. “I may have even made a few chips myself doing something similar. All in the game, right? Y’all oughta make it easier for cops to take drug dealers’ stuff, that way police will be able to keep policing and drug dealers won’t be able to afford to stay in business, all on the cheap for tax payers.”
  3. “Shoooooooot!” exclaims Mud Davidson, a high ranking government official, who is rumored to have a lifestyle suspiciously more luxurious than would be expected for his income. “We can’t afford to drop asset forfeiture, especially with tax receipts so low this year. But the police have too much incentive to use forfeiture, there needs to be oversight. I would like to head an independent Oversight Committee that would make sure the forfeiture does what it’s supposed to do and the government gets its cheques... uh, keep this in check.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, antacids top everyone's Maxxmas list.

2021-11-12 09:00

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

You and your family are at a Maxxmas party held by your Minister of Mirth, Merriment and Income Taxation when your great-aunt — overcome by too much Maxxmas cheer — begins castigating your host for not decorating in traditional Maxxmas colours, lamenting “It’s like you don’t even understand the holiday!” Suddenly, you hear some sleigh bells jingling and ring-ting-tingling outside: a band of merry Maxxmas carollers!

  1. As the urchins polish off ‘O, Little Town of Random Chaos City’, the diminutive leader of the group hobbles forward on a crutch. “Beggin’ yer leadership’s pardon, but may I say I feels so gratified to see you an’ yours all together. Whever a toff or an ’umble personage like me, Maxxmas is when fam’ly an’ friends share goodwill an’ ’appiness. Who needs posh gifts or a warm blanket — long as yer wiv fam’ly? You should tells people so, you know, in yer big Maxxmas speech.”
  2. An urchin in a top hat and a slightly worn waistcoat steps forward. “But, as I say to me more hintimate friends, Maxxmas is a time for ’elpin’ them of lesser means than meself. And, Leader, if someone of your quality was seen givin’ to good causes, your charitable nature would be an example to them that so esteem you.” He rattles a donation tin.
  3. “Here, take it and go!” snaps the Minister of Big Business, dumping one chip into the tin. “Leader, darling, Maxxmas is a time for fabulous parties and finalising big plans. Talking of which, how about that investment in my department? Oh, I must have left the forecasts by the champagne fountain. Silly me!”
  4. “I’ll tell you what Maxxmas is for,” laughs your brother, seizing the urchins’ donation tin and bolting the door. “Presents piled ten stories high, all with my name on them! Diamond-studded watches, cashmere suits, even a private helicopter! The one reason Maxxmas exists is to teach people that only present-buying is a true expression of love — an advertising campaign to remind them will get everyone shopping.”
  5. “Talk about greed!” scoffs your uncle, who is currently hoarding a whole turkey for himself. “You don’t need presents; Maxxmas is all about the big family dinner. A good one heals fractured families — the art must be taught in schools: that moist roast turkey... and crispy potatoes... and dessert...” He keels over, saliva forming a puddle.
  6. “Haven’t we forgotten that Maxxmas is a religious holiday?” screams your niece. “We should celebrate the way that the early Order of Maxx did: by gathering in sackcloth and ashes, holding hands and silently condemning all displays of gaudy commercialism, self-indulgence and violence.”
  7. “Shh!” hisses your aunt, covering your uncle’s mouth with her hand. By her side sits a TV magazine with a series of films marked off: ‘It’s Too Soon for Maxxmas’, ‘I Can’t Wait for Maxxmas’, ‘It’s Finally Maxxmas’ and ‘Oh, Just Sod Off Maxxmas’. “This viewing gets better every year. This holiday would be far more restful if everyone stopped making a fuss and just grabbed a TV dinner and the remote.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Advanced Law Enforcement and the Top 10% for Most Advanced Public Transport.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens praise the weeds that overwhelm their narrow vegetable realm.

2021-11-12 02:30

Forage and Forget

The Random Chaosian Botanical Society has reported a sharp decline in wild herb populations due to over-collection, resulting in a blossoming debate over foraging rules.

  1. “It’s thyme to root for our herbs!” reads the sign carried by botanist Rose Marie, who is brushing some thistles off her pants. “Our plants are cruelly uprooted to be gluttonously eaten, greedily sold, or even used by hikers as improvised toilet paper! We cannot afford to let our native species become extinct, just because they look appealing to wipe with! We should impose limits on foraging for all plant species to safeguard our flora and my - I mean our - botanical research.”
  2. “Will my daughter need a flower picking permit?” snaps Basil Nettles, the host of the Cuisine Without Culture podcast. “And what’s next, a lawnmower ban? What a joke! Plenty depend on wild herbs for food security or to supplement their income, not to mention to spruce up their bland food, and extensive regulation would leave them eating dirt. Let me give you some sage advice: foragers should have the right to roam free and collect as many wild berries and herbs as they like.”
  3. “Over-regulation is bad for the economy, but so is extinction,” reports Deputy Commerce Minister Al O’Vera. “Especially if, say, the exterminated herb has medicinal properties - Random Chaos would lose out on any health benefits, and the ability to profit off of it! So how about this? Let’s identify economically and medicinally important plants, then preserve them in national botanical gardens and herbaria. That way, even if foragers go wild, the nation still flowers.”
  4. “Plants deserve to blossom freely, not be pent-up in a stuffy greenhouse,” interjects Cory Andrea Parsley, the chairwoman of the local neighborhood beautification council, dropping a bag of seeds on your desk. “We should give free seeds to all hikers and encourage them to spread them around while they are walking. Soon enough we will have a rampant vegetation to offset the loss from free foraging.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has been criticized for giving away Random Chaos's territory to anyone who claims it.

2021-11-11 20:30

Small Claims

The small, barren, and uninhabited island of Hanshedrik is claimed by both Random Chaos and Skandilund, and for years both sides have playfully vied for its control. New satellite images have shown that the Skandilundian flag has been planted on Hanshedrik, along with a gift of danishes. As you have no other plans today, you have called for a meeting to finally solve the dispute once and for all.

  1. “Two can play at this game!” declares your brother while lusting after the very tempting danishes on your desk. “We ought to respond in kind! Let’s plant our flag on Hanshedrik, and leave them a nice gift of Random Chaosian cheese. After all, mother always said there’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition!”
  2. “Or we could simply give the island to Skandilund as a gesture of our goodwill,” suggests your sister, after one of the danishes mysteriously vanishes. “In a world full of hostile nations like Blackacre and Maxtopia, wouldn’t it be nice to have a reliable ally? Giving them Hanshedrik would be a sign of respect. Perhaps we could even invite them to negotiate a military alliance, all at the low, low cost of a worthless island and a bit of national pride.”
  3. “Excuse me? Don’t tell me you’re suggesting that we give those Skands OUR island!” roars your Defense Minister before he starts whistling innocently as another danish disappears. “Playtime is over. If these frozen hippies want OUR island, they’ll have to fight us for it! We must establish a military base on Hanshedrik and defend it at all costs. That means more funding for the military to make sure everything goes smoothly.”
  4. “Must everything come down to war?” sighs the rarely seen ambassador of Qaanpaluk, a mysterious, but wealthy, nation made of a series of frozen islands. “Technically, Hanshedrik belongs to neither Random Chaos nor Skandilund and therefore is not yours or theirs to give away. Our ancestors discovered the island centuries ago and it has a spiritual significance for us. We are not an unreasonable people. If you give the island to us, we’ll grant you access to some of our gold deposits.” Just as you are about to grab a tasty danish, you notice the plate is now empty.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, knitting needles have been banned in the name of public safety.

2021-11-11 14:30

Knitters in a Knot Over Police Stitch Up

After a peaceful public knitting class was dispersed by riot police, the citizenry are up in arms at what they perceive as unnecessary police brutality.

  1. “With all due respect, Leader, you weren’t there, so you don’t know the full story,” your police chief states candidly. “These thugs were loitering in Gambler Park brandishing weapons! They were up to something - mark my words! Besides, if it wasn’t for our brave police officers, who knows what kind of damage they could have caused. We’ve got to come down hard on thugs like these and ban groups comprising of three or more people. That’ll stop any troublemaking, I’m sure of it!”
  2. “Weapons? WEAPONS? They were knitting needles you imbecile!” shouts Coraline Duterte, the elderly President of the Random Chaos Knitting League, brandishing a pair of pins in the direction of the police chief. “The only thugs in Gambler Park that day were the riot police - protectors of public safety my royal rump! They fired rubber bullets at us without any warning. Rubber bullets! And I’m only out of the hospital after getting my hip replacement. You MUST do something about these trigger-happy hooligans. Clearly if they can’t tell the difference between criminals and geriatrics they need retraining!”
  3. “Retraining the entire police force would cost far too much,” your financial advisor says quietly, appearing from behind your chair. “That being said, the crazy lady with the woolly hat is right, we do have to do something about this situation. We can’t have the police force appear brutal and unruly. What we should do is universally ban all sorts of dangerous weapons. That way the police force won’t have to worry about dangerous thugs with guns, and the public can rest easy knowing the police force won’t be able to brutally attack them either. And we can get rid of the riot police too as they clearly won’t be needed, which saves us money! Everybody wins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tumbleweed drifts through the nation's shopping centres during the weekends.

2021-11-11 08:30

Double Down on Double Time?

Turning up one bright Monday morning, you are met with a mob of angry janitors, delivery drivers, security guards and cleaners on strike after legislation for increased weekend pay was defeated for the sixteenth time. Given that all available office space is full of uncollected rubbish and smells faintly of Friday’s lunch, a meeting on the issue has been held at a busy local cafe.

  1. “What do you think they’re striking for?” asks a department office intern and student Cato Beethoven, still half asleep from working weekends at a greengrocers. “Fair wages for antisocial hours, that’s what! Do you know how many of us have to sacrifice our free time, our social lives and even our health for the same rate as someone doing a nine-to-five? Big business can afford to pay a bit more, so make them give us night shift and weekend workers extra pay!”
  2. “Having to fork out extra for weekend workers would sink us,” butts in nosy cafe owner Commodus Grieg, slinging a sweat-soaked dishcloth at his girlfriend so she can take over. “Me and the old gal have to scrimp and save to pay for staff as it is! Tell you what, you lot cut back a bit on all those wage laws for us small businesses and I might even be able to take the old nag out somewhere nice.”
  3. “We never used to rush about like this when I was a young’un,” interjects old-timer Mark Mumford, holding up a queue just to talk to you. “Nowadays no-one seems to have enough time for a cuppa and a chat. Why don’t we go back to the good old days when you only had to work on weekdays, and everything closed at five? That’ll give us all plenty of time to get to know each other properly, like back when I was a nipper.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation grinds to a halt on the anniversary of every marginally noteworthy event.

2021-11-11 02:30

The War to End All Wars

It’s the centenary of a great war that shook The Hatrackia, and competing plans to commemorate the historic moment are being considered for approval.

  1. “No expense must be spared!” shouts military historian Samde Reyes through his unfashionable mustache. “This historic event must be celebrated through every town square in the country. Parades, street parties, reenactments! I’m sure all our citizens will contribute handsomely to making this celebration truly memorable.”
  2. “Excellent! And let’s not stop with the past,” proclaims Brigadier-General Selma Xiaoping, Director of Public Outreach for the Army. “We can use this burst of patriotic fervor to give a strong message of support to today’s armed forces, going forward. We should have a big parade of our men and women in uniform in Random Chaos City with a fly-by from the Air Force. We can never have too many recruits, after all.”
  3. “Do you have any idea how much all of that would cost?” complains budget auditor Aphrodite Eliot while eating a stale rice cracker for lunch. “We shouldn’t spend money on something that happened a hundred years ago, and the savings from all that pomp and circumstance can be returned to the taxpayers. Are you going to eat that sandwich?”
  4. “I don’t mind having a commemoration, but we need to remember that most of the people who died in the Great War were common workers like me,” says union leader Ernie Márquez, who never seems to be content with anything. “I think it’s only fair that we give everyone a national holiday, so we can all reflect upon our history of class oppression. Otherwise celebrations like this end up just being for you toffs.”
  5. “Of course we should remember the War - but there was nothing ‘Great’ about it!” pontificates student protester Kim Silk, who has read two and a half books about the War and now knows everything about it. “It was a shameful bloodbath caused by greedy capitalist arms manufacturers, and it could have been avoided. We should be remembering the incalculable tragedy of it all and making sure it never happens again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, formerly fertile fields are being leached dry of nutrients by intensive farming.

2021-11-10 20:30

This Green and Pleasant Land

Good news, everyone! An unexpected rise in the water table has transformed a million acres of former desert into green and fertile and farming-ready land. As the government owns this land, it’s now up to you what you do with it.

  1. “Efficiency. Productivity. Produce. Those are the three F’s of New Plus Agro Cycles™,” says CEO Merrell Kringle, “and if you wonder if you failed to spot the third F, it’s all about the customer! Yes, sell us this land and we will turn it into a model of efficiency! No government investment, no taxpayer’s money wasted, just cultivation as far as the eye can see! New jobs will be created, and investors will be attracted. Just sign here!”
  2. “Why would you consider that?” yells villager Siko Roosevelt, waving a pitchfork with one hand and a little red book with the other. “You want to just GIVE IT AWAY to these rich fat cats, so they can get even richer? No! This land should be owned by the state, but worked by a commune of local farmers, with a small plot of land for each farmer! This way is fair for everyone.”
  3. “No, no, no! It’s like a traffic light, if you want to be green you’ve got to put up a red light and make a green space, because you don’t want to be in the red on being green!” explains Amber Dice, her metaphors as messed up as her flower-entangled hair. “We need to turn this into a nature resort, that flora and fauna can make their home!”
  4. “Excuse me, is anyone going to ask why this has happened?” asks party-pooping scientist Ferris Fowler. “We can’t make use of this land till we understand what happened. I suggest establishing a research station here, and getting a better understanding of the ecological changes that led to this fertile land emerging.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, speech bubbles are the soul of wit.

2021-11-10 14:30

A Midsummer Night’s Snooze-Fest

As legions of interns scramble to set up a stage in your office, your Minister of Theatrics dramatically announces that her Ministry has organized a play for you. The play purportedly tells a tragic story: the public apathy toward the long-dead but highly-influential Random Chaosian playwright Bill Wakesword.

  1. “I doth be the poet himself!” Minister Porklet announces, wearing purple robes and a long wig. “Once upon a merry time, my plays amazed those large and small. Now, there’s only one way to ensure Random Chaos remains in my thrall. Force my works upon the children, make them read it all! It may be true that the language doth be a few centuries old, but what is in a word? That which we call a Woodeating Spikeball by any other name would be just as Woodeating.”
  2. An intern apparently playing the part of ‘unenthusiastic teenager’ pokes the Minister with a rolled up comic book, causing him to crumble to the floor in mock agony. The intern robotically states, “Alas. Poor Wakesword. I knew him well. I would have surely been willing to get interested in Wakesword if his word choice was easier. If only we could rework Wakesword so that it appealed to me, a disaffected teenager, and my reading habits.”
  3. “All the world’s a stage, Leader, and it doth be time we saw some plays!” announces overconfident actor Rick Rear, dressed in a donkey costume and accidentally stepping on the ‘dead’ Minister. “As I, one of the greatest actors of all time, should know-eth, the best way to spread the brilliance of Wakesword is to fund school drama clubs and ye olde outdoor theatre! If we can coerce these apathetic adolescents, these indifferent infants, these bored brats to act, they will surely see the value of true literature.”
  4. Ka-boom! The wall of your office suddenly explodes, spewing fire and smoke everywhere. As the smoke clears, explosives enthusiast and the director of TransMorphers and Adolescent Monster Samurai Frogs, Michel Cove, strolls in, a second explosion obliterating the Minister’s stage. “This ‘Wakesword’ guy? Heh. His plays are older than my exes. What you need, my friend, are explosion-packed science fiction movies in the curriculum that will leave kids drooling over science and computers! The future is where the money is. The past? Who cares?” Another one of your walls explodes and he grins manically as your office burns around him.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, vital intelligence-gathering activities are put on hold as agents return home for seduction training and advanced poker instruction.

2021-11-10 08:30

Nobody Does It Better?

After two Random Chaosian agents operating in Blackacre were compromised and forced to flee the country, a private military corporation known as the Webber Group has approached you about taking over the nation’s intelligence-gathering activities.

  1. “Leader, my operatives are perfect for this type of work,” declares Webber Group CEO Jared Watts, flanked by two burly bodyguards. “Many of them have received military training prior to joining our company, so they’re well versed in espionage, counter-intelligence, and assassina... um... proactive regime change strategies. If they’re caught, you can deny any knowledge of them. Together, we can revitalize the foreign intelligence apparatus of Random Chaos... for a small fee, of course.”
  2. “Are we really going to put the safety of our nation in the hands of this... thug?” questions secret agent James Bont, while drinking a martini. “What the Webber Group fails to tell you is that many of their operatives were dishonorably discharged. They’re violent, averse to authority, and unpredictable. Not to mention they’re only loyal to a paycheck. Leader, let me organize a training program for our less-experienced spies so they never get caught again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, minority children find the right answer in school tests is always the most insulting one.

2021-11-10 02:30

How to Choose the Chosen One

A minority population in South-West Random Chaos, ardent followers of the Tranquility of Yellow, have proclaimed eight year old Ranil as their new Great Advisor, regarded by Yellowites as the supreme spiritual authority. As followers prepare to pledge allegiance to the child, your inner circle worry that these people are too devoted to Yellowism and are undermining your authority.

  1. “These South-West Random Chaosians have always been troublesome,” declares Head of Security Yolanda Kowalski, as she patrols the perimeter of your desk. “We should kidnap this Ranil boy and keep him hidden forever. We’ll secure him where no one will ever find him. Then, we install our own ‘Great Advisor’ — a Random Chaosian loyal only to the state. Force these Yellowites to follow our chosen child deity, and if they refuse — shoot them!”
  2. “They certainly are troublesome,” agrees General Rogers, pushing your security chief out of the way with her parade stick. “However, kidnapping a child seems a bit extreme, even for me! I suggest we incentivise a wave of devoted Random Chaosians to move into the South-West region, until they dominate the region. The Yellowites may have their Great Advisor, but he will have to go to school with good Random Chaosian children and be taught our worldview from dedicated Random Chaosian teachers. Once he comes round to our way of life, the rest will follow.”
  3. “I sense an opportunity here,” opines your Propaganda Minister, Isaac Chip, as he trips up on the carpet, then glares at your interns. “Why don’t we make Ranil your official, ahem, Great Advisor? With him advising you — and a large team stage managing every word that comes out of his mouth — the Yellowites will have to follow your every command without question and their troublesome behaviour will be a thing of the past. Not only that, but if anything ever goes wrong, we can blame it on the kid!”
  4. “Can’t you leave us alone?” sighs Minerva Flanders, the religious leader of the Yellowite people. “For centuries we have followed Yellowism and heeded our Great Advisor. You can force him to learn your language or speak your words, you can even kidnap him, but we will never bow to your demands or change who we are. Cut us, and we bleed yellow... perhaps not literally, but you get the point. Loosen your grip on the South-West, and let our people be free to follow our conscience!”
  5. “Hello? What about asking me what I want?” pouts Ranil, throwing the toys he’s been playing with the whole time. “I don’t really want to be the Great Advisor, but my mum said I have to be. But it sounds so boring, listening to prayers and giving advice to old geezers. And, I don’t see why I should be Leader’s lackey. If I’m that great, I should be able to do anything. And I want to just play with my friends. And stay up all night watching movies — oh, and make mum get me gallons of ice-cream. Just leave me alone and keep me out of your adult arguments.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, agricultural science is the most competitive subject at universities.

2021-11-09 20:30

From Green Pastures to Grey Wastelands

In the quest for high yields and low prices, Random Chaos’s thriving agricultural industry has all but destroyed the fertility of the soils it ploughs, turning arable farmlands into barren deserts. Food prices have risen dramatically and the general population are calling foul. A coalition of concerned citizens, farmers, and major unions have called for the government to act quickly and decisively.

  1. “These people make me want to scream,” says Erik Iglesias, a distinguished eremologist. “For so long, the supermarkets have indoctrinated the belief that we deserved those low prices, as if it was a birthright. But it’s not. We’ve plundered nature for too long and now we’re suffering the consequences. The government needs to lay down some strict laws over how we farm so we can do it in a sustainable way. By the time the industry has destroyed our farmlands, those corporations will have moved on elsewhere and we’ll be left starving in the streets.”
  2. “Yeah, right. And while the government is destroying half of the agricultural market, the customers- ah- the people will be paying through the nose for loaves of bread,” counters Khethiwe Pong, CEO of Corporal Foods Corporation, a multinational farming conglomerate. “Do you honestly think the people will accept such an outrageous solution? Not having to worry about where your next meal’s coming from is what makes this such a great country! Forget this environmental nonsense and give us the money as subsidies - then we can buy more land and drive prices down again.”
  3. “We’re all to blame for this mess, ayup,” says Mr Rubeus Gubbins, an independent farmer who only sells locally. “But I don’t see why we should do anything to help the biggest contributors to this disaster, and that’s them blasted corporations with their market projections and their shareholders. Parasites the lot of ‘em! They should all be kicked out of Random Chaos and be forced to give the farmlands back to folk like m’self who’ll grow enough to feed locally but not so much that I might as well be sowing salt in the ground.”
  4. “How are you still afloat?” asks Phineas Whedon, another farmer. “Don’t listen to him. He’s from a time when economies only existed as far as you could walk or steer a horse carriage for a day. It’s a global economy we have now, and sub-standard produce for high prices is not, and should not, be the norm. Helping the environment with regulation will kill the industry stone dead and still leave us with high prices. The government should be promoting and funding scientific research into making the status quo sustainable - not punishing hard-working citizens for wanting to eat more than potatoes and rice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, popular cartoon characters frequently appear in government-sponsored PSAs reminding students to say no to drugs.

2021-11-09 14:30

‘A’ Is for Academic Doping

The problem of ‘academic doping’ has reared its head after a group of students were caught taking ‘smart’ drugs ahead of high school exam season. An alliance of concerned educators, anti-drug crusaders, and C-grade students have demanded an end to this practice to make sure that Random Chaos’s youth don’t become a generation of cheaters.

  1. “These students are doping themselves up to the gills in the hope it’ll improve their academic performance,” explains Student Union Vice-President for Welfare Bob Thompson, while hurriedly trying to finish an assignment. “However noble their intentions, the reality is that they’re abusing drugs. We need the government to fund an education and outreach program, warning of the dangers and offering counselling and therapy. Outreach and therapy will solve this problem more than blunt law enforcement ever will.”
  2. “Education and outreach? How about I demonstrate some outreach with my truncheon!” screams the Head of Narcotics Control Gertie Chew, accidentally knocking over a plant pot while demonstrating. “I don’t care what they’re studying: these kids are junkies and derelicts, and we need to clamp down on them. We need strong enforcement, including random drug testing, strip searches, and sniffer dogs in exam halls! Just give us the go - and the money.”
  3. “Please, show a little compassion. C-O-M-P-A-S-S-I-O-N. Compassion!” pleads national spelling champion Leroy Jammeh, while frantically chewing his nails and twitching uncontrollably. “I have to concentrate if I’m going to get into a top university, and if a little pill can help me, then why shouldn’t it be my choice? Some students guzzle coffee or munch chocolates, and those are much worse for their health. Cracking down on academic doping would only be punishing those who want to perform well. That would be counterproductive. C-O-U-N-T...”
  4. “Why have exams at all? Everyone knows that they’re a waste of everybody’s time,” admits visibly stressed out teacher Edna Crandall, knocking back a handful of nicotine-replacement lozenges. “In fact, do we really need a proper curriculum to follow? Schools and teachers should be able to teach whatever they think is relevant. This can be learning a new language or the intricacies of soap opera love triangles. The schools would save some cash, and it would make my job much easier too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, complaining about Christmas music in October is a ho-ho-horrendous crime.

2021-11-09 09:00

Get Thee Behind Me, Santa

Vociferous celebrity atheist and scientist Professor Albert Finn E. Grinch recently visited a classroom of five-year-olds in the sleepy town of Bahumburg, and caused a stir by telling them that Santa Claus wasn’t real. Needless to say, he’s not too popular right now.

  1. “What sort of monster ruins the magic of childhood like that?” complains mall Santa Artemis Scrooge, as he dispenses free candy canes to your wide-eyed interns. “This was a callous and deliberate attempt to cause unhappiness to little tykes — hell, destroying a child’s wonder borders on child abuse! The law should prosecute rotters like that mean-tempered professor. Miserable toad!”
  2. “Hah, at least I’m not the one perpetuating systemic lies to children!” yells Professor Grinch, thrusting at you a copy of his book No Virginia, There’s No Bearded Man in the Sky. “All you’re teaching them is magical thinking and a tendency towards irrationality and deception. Teach them science and rational thinking instead! In fact, it should be part of the national curriculum to disabuse children of the mystical lies their parents have fed them as quickly as possible. For Truth, Justice and the Random Chaosian Way!”
  3. “I surprise myself by being partially in agreement with my hellbound compatriot here,” comments preacher Gunther Barber, passing you a leaflet inviting you to attend his house of prayer. “Indeed, pious behaviour forbids idolatry and the worship of false gods. You must forbid the propagation of stories about these magical entities, be they Santa, or Caga Tio, or the Soul Cake Duck. There can be only one true faith, and only the true stories of that singular faith may be spoken, not the fictitious myths of a pagan past!”
  4. “Heh, why is everybody so angry?” asks your brother, popping a dislodged tooth under his pillow in the hope that he’ll get a chip in the morning. “I mean, anyone who doesn’t believe in Santa doesn’t get presents from him, so it’s their loss. I guess you should make a speech reminding everyone in the nation that good folk like you and me would never voice such doubts. In fact, it’d be for everyone’s own good if you banned them from disbelieving in Santa and all the seasonal sprites. You don’t want Random Chaos to end up on the Naughty List, do you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has officially clarified that "wee on your hands to save time" does not count as proper hygiene.

2021-11-09 02:30

All Hands on Tap!

Hoping to enjoy a quiet afternoon after a busy week full of Cabinet meetings, you are startled as Casimir Schultz, your Minister of Health, rushes into your office without even knocking on the door. He is flushed with indignation, and is obsessively rubbing his hands with an antibacterial wet wipe.

  1. “Oh, this is a public health disaster, Leader!” your Health Minister clamours, slipping on a pair of latex gloves before grasping your hands in supplication. “I was in the restroom just a moment ago, and what should I see there? A vile, vulgar villain who left the stall and strode straight out of the door without washing his hands! This is the third time this week I have seen this disgusting behaviour. We need a public health campaign to remind people to wash their hands properly after using the toilet!”
  2. “Excuse me: a villain?” asks Morgan Enuv-Thyme, your secretary, brushing dandruff off your shoulder and blowing a raspberry at your Health Minister. “For your information, I am the villain that he complains about, and I did not wash my hands. So what? Everyone knows that door handles and money have more germs on them than a human bottom, yet nobody washes their hands after touching those. In fact, I think coming into contact with germs probably boosts our immune system, and running taps less is good for the environment. You should be actively promoting water-saving strategies, Leader!”
  3. “This potty talk is unacceptable!” interjects your aunt, who has come to your office unannounced to bring you brownies for your afternoon tea. “My little darling, we talked about this. Toilet business is private business, and we shouldn’t be getting involved. In fact, it’s just poor taste all around for public officials to talk about private functions. Let’s have some decorum in politics, please!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, homesickness is thought to be a waterborne illness.

2021-11-08 20:30

Withdrawing Diplomatic Relations

At a recent international summit in Brancaland, the Random Chaosian delegation became violently ill. Brancalandian doctors say all of them were suffering withdrawal symptoms because they were addicted to the drugs in Random Chaosian tap water.

  1. “It’s really sad to see what these drugs have done to your people,” quacks Dr. Julia Fellow of the Brancalandian Health Service. “One of your envoy’s aides almost died of hyponatremia because she drank so much water trying to get high. And that’s not even getting into long-term health effects for people that have been on these drugs their whole lives, or the developmental effects on Random Chaosian children. Please, you have to stop drugging your country’s drinking water. We can help you organize a detox program.”
  2. “Who ever heard of getting sick from drinking too much water? And what kind of nonsense word is ‘hyponatremia’?” comes the muffled voice of the aforementioned aide, sulking beneath a blanket in her hospital bed. “Everyone knows it’s important to stay hydrated. I’m not addicted to anything, and it’s obvious this is all just a cover story to hide the fact that someone poisoned us! We need to pull our diplomats out of Brancaland for their own safety and send those nasty Brancalandians a strongly worded letter!”
  3. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! There’s no need for that!” interjects your Foreign Relations Minister, who downs a glass of water. “Our people just need a taste of home to keep them from getting, uh... homesick! We’ll just have to make sure all our diplomatic representatives bring a large supply of Random Chaosian drinking water everywhere they go, and warn them against drinking the local water in any of the countries they visit! Maybe we can do this for all our other citizens who go overseas, like tourists and students.”
  4. “Okay, the diplomats are important, but providing safe water for all of our citizens abroad would be a logistical nightmare!” asserts a jittery and paranoid government bureaucrat, twitching occasionally as she talks. “My commiserations to the students and tourists, but international travel has to be limited to official government business so we can make sure nobody leaves the country without adequate supplies.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, health-conscious denizens drink their dogs' water.

2021-11-08 14:30

Of Mice and Meth

A growing number of citizens are reporting sightings of strange animal behavior since the nation’s water supply was drugged, ranging from carelessness and daredevilry to frantic dancing.

  1. “You guys are the greatest in every way — especially you, dearest Leader — but this contamination is destroying our environment!” exclaims recreational urban habitat observer Finn Kennett, sipping from a completely safe glass of government-approved tap water and dribbling some on the floor in his excitement. “My colleagues and I all witnessed a colony of mice baying at a statue of you. Of course, I see something like that every day... but we all saw it this time! I’m sure you could cut the dosage of drugs in the water down to a safer level and people would still love you!”
  2. “Whoa, who cares about, like, a few pesky rats? This water is, like, poisoning our pets, dude,” says Kristy Rice, an enthusiastic pet lover who was particularly thirsty this morning. “You don’t have to, like, stop stoning the water, but maybe you should sell some safe water specifically for pets or whatever. You could even make it taste funny to make people not wanna drink it. Then, like, maybe my bunnies won’t try to breathe water anymore.”
  3. “Listen to this buffoonery-talk of baying rodents and suicidal rabbits; it’s obvious there is a problem, but not just with animals,” rants Rand Yew, a sociologist who’s secretly been drinking pond water. “Drugging our water supply is truly despicable, and you bottom feeders must stop it at once! It is hurting our environment, as it is hurting our civilization, and whoever told you this was a good idea is frankly pond scum. I-” He coughs up a little minnow.
  4. “Listen to these dissidents; the drugs clearly aren’t powerful enough!” exclaims your Minister of Crowd Control and author of the internationally condemned book H2Whoa: Random Chaosian Utopia. “If anything, we’ve got to dump MORE into the water supply! So what if a few people start reacting like the animals? A few people howling at the moon now and then is much less dangerous than letting them think.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosians are free from pain - but the side effects include loss of individual thought and freedom.

2021-11-08 08:30

You Can’t Handle the Tooth

A few days ago you needed triple root-canal surgery, and despite your codeine-enhanced prescription you’re still in agony. However, your dentist has refused to prescribe anything stronger! You’re now back for your check-up, wondering if it’s time to think about relaxing the regulations around the most powerful painkillers.

  1. Dr. Draco Graves, your personal dental care professional, sits down on a stool next to you, and lowers the back of the chair to the horizontal. “Open, please? Good. I’m sorry Leader, but you know the drill. Easier access to narcotics will only lead to more widespread abuse. In reality, many pain ‘patients’ are just junkies looking for a fix. The primary purpose of medicine is to cure disease, not to enable addiction! Instead, consider adjusting healthcare policy to stress cognitive behavioral therapy, acupuncture, and other non-pharmacological interventions. Spit, please?”
  2. “Ummm**HUUURP**..uh, yuck,” says Dental Nurse Kanya Mulder, who you know is also a spokesperson for Patients Against Interdicting Narcotics, while emptying a recently-soiled emesis dish into the medical waste sluice. “Yeah, that’s precisely the wrong thing to do. Insufficient treatment of pain is very common, especially among women, ethnic minorities, and the poor. The elderly are also at risk, since many wrongly think that pain is just a ‘normal’ part of aging. The most severe cases can even drive people to suicide! Medicine should focus on quality of life, not just curing disease. Do the right thing, and ease restrictions on powerful painkillers now!”
  3. While you’re still supine, a strange pale-skinned man shines the dentist’s lamp directly into your eyes and begins loading a large metal syringe from an unmarked vial. “I have your solution right here, dear leader. Why not add these powerful painkillers to the water supply, under the banner of a new healthcare initiative aimed at relieving stress and improving quality of life? Then you can use mass addiction to control the population! A particular district doesn’t like your new absolutist platform? Just reduce their ‘pain relief’ until they do! Imagine the whole populace desperately begging you for another hit!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Dealmaker" to "Enforcer".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the legislature keeps promising "more study" of corruption allegations against the parliamentary whip system.

2021-11-08 02:30

Spare the Whip, Spoil the Law

This past week the legislature shot down a flagship law, setting back your whole agenda at least a year. Considering your party had a comfortable majority and should easily have passed the bill, your inner circle has been considering what kind of discipline to impose on parliamentary rebels.

  1. “I’m telling you, police those fools!” shouts an angry Alejandro Bannon, the legislator who co-authored the proposed law with you. “No, I mean literally! Have the building security officers march around in full riot gear, looking every MP right in the eye! I dare any of my lily-livered colleagues to defy our will THEN! A strong and unified party means a strong and unified Random Chaos, whatever those opposition goons may blather.”
  2. Loyalist legislator Francis Woodheart has other ideas on what to do with the rebels. “We really don’t need anything quite so drastic, my friend. We can police ourselves! Just appoint me as ‘whip,’ and then I can use the power of persuasion on any party members who won’t fall in line. Don’t like the government’s budget proposal? That’s a shame, I really wanted to drop your name in Leader’s ear for that open cabinet post...”
  3. “Members of our legislature have ALWAYS voted according to their conscience,” bellows Efthamia Goff, one of the dissenters. “That bill would have destroyed our way of life in Northwest Random Chaos, and we won’t allow that to happen! You snooty Random Chaos City scalawags keep flogging the same old dead horses, trying to bulldoze our culture, and we’re plum sick of it. There’ve gotta be more safeguards against partisan and sectional tyranny. We need to have local control of local issues, and institute a secret ballot in the legislature. Only then are we safe from the storm of wrath and repercussions - from you, from the donors, or from the voters.”
  4. “Uh, speaking of voters...” mutters Sandy Berman, the Minister of Domestic Affairs. “Remember them? You’re all so focused on getting your own agendas passed that you’ve forgotten why we’re here in the first place! The voters didn’t send us here to squabble like screaming children about who didn’t support someone’s National Moose Empowerment Act! They want us to get things done, and they’ll bring home anyone who’s not pulling their weight. Recall elections will make those rebels the local whipping boys. Forget secret ballots, we need to SPREAD the word who voted for what - the electorate will send us the right people if we just give them a chance.”
  5. “This word ‘whip’ has me thinking,” ponders your old friend and chief-of-staff Jerry Brutus, who is also the odds-on favorite to replace you one day. “What if we let everyone vote as usual, but every time some upstart so-called ‘statesman’ votes against your wishes, you ACTUALLY get to whip them! Live, in the public square! Wouldn’t that be a delicious spectacle? The sting of the lash, the sound of leather striking flesh... I can’t imagine anyone wanting to lead Random Chaos without it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, drills and shovels have been banned as the government cracks down on any means of fracking.

2021-11-07 21:30

A Big Fracking Problem

Natural gas extraction has been thrust into the political spotlight after the energy industry proposed utilizing hydraulic fracturing to boost the production of shale gas. After weeks of protests, a crowd of lobbyists and environmental protesters have barged into your office and demand that you finally make a decision.

  1. “Any opposition to hydraulic fracturing has been born out of ignorance,” claims Shale The Love lobbyist Mordecai Longbottom after tossing some impressive looking pie charts on your desk. “If we further hydraulic fracturing, we can finally safeguard our energy independence. Do you really want to risk paying dictatorships like Maxtopia for their expensive oil? Just think of the advantage producing our own natural gas will give us. Look at the charts that clearly show how many jobs this will create in rural areas. We should be encouraging fracking operations and cracking down on these environmental terrorists who would be happy to send us back to the Stone Age.”
  2. “I don’t think you understand the magnitude of these environmental issues,” says Stefanie Sharp, the organizer of the anti-fracking protest movement No Fracking Way. “Fracking can pollute the air and contaminate groundwater with toxic chemicals, which will end up in millions of people’s drinking water. Weren’t you guys paying attention when fracking operations caused all those earthquakes in Blackacre? Never mind that they’re on a fault line! We must put an end to fracking and start investing into green energy sources like wind, solar, and tidal power. We’ll never run out of those clean energy sources, but we will run out of clean air to breathe.”
  3. “There’s always room for compromise,” chimes in Barbie Beachcroft, one of your top aides famous for diffusing tension in your office. “We obviously can’t ignore the benefits of fracking, but we can’t turn a blind eye to the impact it would have on the environment either. Why not allow fracking, but only in areas of Random Chaos where there are no major populated areas? I hear that the land in the Northern Gambler Mountain Range is just ripe for hydraulic fracturing. There is a gambler preservation area nearby, but it’s not like they’re going to be protesting.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, you don't need a smoking gun to arrest someone for promoting guns.

2021-11-07 14:30

No Lock, No Gun Stock, and No Smoking Barrels

Last night, a colonel checking the inventory at Fort Gambler, Random Chaos’s largest military armory, found only a broken musket and a giant hole in the wall that she was pretty sure wasn’t there earlier. There is a strong suspicion that this heist is linked to certain groups that have been raising a stink over Random Chaos’s gun ban.

  1. Commandant Caesar, the head of the breached facility, shows you a large schematic of a dense mass of mostly incomprehensible sketches, including a drawing of what appears to be a giant killer robot. “What we really need is to have more funding for security. We simply can not allow our weapons to be stolen, let alone potentially sold to the rebellious public. We need better security. In fact, our security facilities need their own security facilities. Sure, it’ll be expensive, but it’ll be worth it.”
  2. Your Minister of Law and Order draws a large, red X across the schematic. “This kind of thing doesn’t exactly happen in a vacuum. We should focus on discouraging others by capturing the crooks who broke into our base in the first place. In fact, if we really want to get to the root of the problem, we should boost our national law enforcement to investigate and arrest anyone who is promoting the idea of guns being returned to our citizens.”
  3. “This wouldn’t be a problem if guns were given back to the public,” comments the somewhat sheepish looking colonel, while wadding the schematic into a ball and tossing it aside. “If our populace were armed, then they’d have less incentive to steal our weapons, except for the really cool ones I suppose. Plus, they’d have an easier time defending themselves in an attack.”
  4. “You’ve got it all backward!” interjects Lara Hesse, a woman in fencing gear, who appears to have wandered in on the conversation. “These things were banned from the public for a reason - they are dangerous! We need to extend the present ban to the military - if they have a real problem, they can just use swords. Observe!” She skewers the crumpled schematic with her rapier.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, droves of former desperados are applying to join the border police.

2021-11-07 08:30

Cowboys and... Aliens?

A gang of rough-riders has been policing towns along Random Chaos’s border, rounding up illegal aliens and “escorting” them back home.

  1. “Who do these thugs think they are?” asks popular liberal blogger Bruce Robinson. “The police should be the only ones handling border control! If we leave it in the hands of wild frontiersmen, immigrants will be herded and probed like gamblers! It’s despicable, it’s degrading, and it must be stopped!”
  2. “Why, we just helpin’ our community, is all,” drawls the self-proclaimed sheriff of the cowboy gang, Harry Fjord, as he slides off his saddle to shake your hand. “Matta’fact, we’re helpin’ the gov’ment as well, enforcin’ border control and keepin’ yer towns safe from them damned illegals. I can handle m’boys, so don’t you worry ‘bout a thing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government recently relinquished its monopoly on the mail service.

2021-11-07 02:30

Going Postal

It has come to your attention that there is some serious debate over whether Random Chaos’s postal service should be either privatised or nationalised.

  1. “The postal system ought to be privatised,” says Velma Thiesen, Director of PostHaste, a small package delivery company. “All the government is doing is putting the tax chips of hard-working citizens into an outmoded and wasteful system. Private businesses can offer a much more efficient system with less junk mail. A little more expense on stamps is worth that right?”
  2. “Uh huh? And what about those in rural or remote areas?” asks Cassidy Chen, the CEO of Random Chaos Mail, the government-owned postal service. “If you privatise this business then they’ll get marginalised and ignored. With a nationalised service everyone can use the system and cheaply too. We provide a good service for our customers and have been doing so for a very long time! The postal service should be nationalised and all competition banned!”
  3. “There’s plenty of room for compromise,” says Harsh James, a stamp collector. “How about we just privatise the mail system and allow other competitors to move in but continue with government funding to Random Chaos Mail? That way everyone can get their post and the companies can have their own slice of the pie. It’ll require an increase in tax to cope with losses to competition but not too much. I think. To be frank, I just want more stamps.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians are losing their jobs in a plan to make the government 'leaner and fitter'.

2021-11-06 20:30

Southern Random Chaos Demands Semi-Autonomy

Politicians from a distant and obscure part of Random Chaos have been calling for the government to split Random Chaos into various semi-autonomous regions, each with an elected council to govern their designated area.

  1. “The government is too centralised,” complains rural villager, Roman Juran. “We get these big-city politicians making rulings that affect our way of life, when they have absolutely no idea what our way of life is! One of them even suggested that farmers should be banned from picking crops in case they disturbed the local wildlife! What we need are various councils to govern their own part of Random Chaos, giving us the chance to have our say on laws affecting our area. It’ll bring politics to the people! Of course this will require increases to taxes to fund it all, but if that’s the cost of more political freedom, then so be it!”
  2. “Councils? Are you mad?” gasps political commentator, Al Rasputin. “Most of the politicians we already have earn very large sums each year - and you want to employ even more? We must not listen to the whims of some dangerous separatist movement; next they’ll be wanting independence! I suggest we keep the government in one place where we can keep an eye on it and stop creating more jobs for over-paid politicians. Heck, why not trim off the ones we don’t need while we’re at it and give some leeway to the taxpayers? Anyway, if we allowed places like West Random Chaos to make decisions for themselves, they would soon be introducing laws allowing them to marry their cousins or something - you know what they’re like...”
  3. “These people are obviously power-hungry lunatics,” whispers Doris Woolf, one of your innumerable advisors. “They’re simply trying to loosen your grip on the nation! Let’s just send anyone who opposes your absolute rule to the gallows and ban elections. We hardly need them when you always know what to do! There may be some protest, but we can just lower taxes and they’ll be as happy as clams.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only fully-fledged members of MENSA are allowed to vote.

2021-11-06 15:00

Democracy Going to the Dogs?

After a recent election installed a small dog as a member of parliament, the fringe group “Brains for Ballots” has demanded for the government to tighten voting restrictions.

  1. “The ignorant have taken over Random Chaos,” yells Chastity Moneypenny, from atop a soap box podium. “It is time that the intelligent retake the polls! Mr. ‘Scruffy’ is a disgrace to democracy and should be taken out of office instantly! I propose we issue mandatory I.Q. tests for every voting citizen and if they are found to have below average reasoning ability - namely lacking the foresight to see that electing an inanimate object to office will cause disaster - then they shall be excused from the responsibility of voting.”
  2. “Umm... huh?” inquires village idiot Henry Suparman. “I voted? When? Oh, yeah. Please don’t make me not vote. The ballots are really tasty, and where else would I get my fibre? Everyone should have the right to vote, no matter what their favourite greenhouse is! Then we can all get the government to do what we want! First thing I think we should do is, uh, ban fruit? I hate fruit.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, intellectual snobbery has the cognoscenti sneering at anyone who doesn't have an opinion on the semiological drift of Umberto Eco's works.

2021-11-06 09:00

Fair to Say...?

At last year’s World Fair many said that Random Chaos’s exhibition pavilion was “okay, considering,” and “not bad, for a nation on a tight budget.” This year, national organizers want to make your expo presence bigger, better, and more impressive than ever before.

  1. “We need more shiny stuff! We need lasers, and twenty-foot-tall robots!” squeaks General Cinna Honda, hoverboarding excitedly round you in a wide circle. “Let’s show off our tech to the rest of the world! We need flying cars and... and... cybergamblers! Yes, a cybergambler, with a frickin’ laser beam on its head!”
  2. “My, how gauche!” sneers Martina Amis, an esteemed novelist. “Culture is the lifeblood of Random Chaos. We should create a gallery-slash-library to celebrate Random Chaos’s arts and literature abroad. Nothing less could represent our brilliance.”
  3. “Give the fair-goers what they want! FOOOOOOOOD!” yells Adam Richbloke, a generously proportioned foodie holding a generous portion of battered chicken chunks. “Visitors to the fair aren’t going to visit every tent; you know how many nations there are in the world now? But everyone has gotta eat! Chocolate doughnut lasagna, deep-fried pancake soups and orange truffle crabcakes with butter, pork and loads of sweet custard. Hmm, hmmm, hmmm, looks like everyone will be stopping by the Random Chaos pavilion!”
  4. “I smell economic opportunity,” says your Commerce Minister Indira Hawkins. “We should showcase what a great place for investors we are, emphasising our flexible taxation arrangements for valued corporate investors and our latest moves to stamp out the unions. We should literally get on our knees, and beg the biggest businesses to bring jobs and prosperity to Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tax assessment offices double as polling stations.

2021-11-06 02:30

No Representation Without Taxation?

The recent publication of a book “Who Pays For Government?”, written by internationally famous economist Millicent Freeman, has triggered a public debate about voting rights.

  1. “Look, it’s simple,” explains Finance Minister Lisa Latham. “Most things the government does cost money. That money has to be raised through taxes, so anybody who doesn’t pay any tax shouldn’t have any say in choosing the government either. We should make paying at least a specified minimum amount in tax necessary for inclusion in the electoral lists. It’ll reward those who actually contribute to society, and give those who don’t a bit of incentive to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.”
  2. “That’s not going far enough!” insists teenager Rudy Sanchez, wearing a homemade Guy Fawkes mask while borrowing the controversial objectivist tract Maxlas Shrugged from the Random Chaos City Public Library. “Since state employees - like this parasite helping me check out my books! - are drawing their salary from the government, they’re not contributing anything to the economy either, and they should be excluded from voting too!”
  3. “No, no, a thousand times no!” notorious labour rights activist ‘Red’ Alejandro Annan protests. “Voting is the most basic right we have, and election day is the one time when every Random Chaosian, rich or poor, is an equal. The right to vote has to be protected for all Random Chaosians, and election day made a public holiday so that working class people can afford to vote without risking losing their jobs. The dip in productivity is more than justified by ensuring everyone has a chance to perform their civic duty.”
  4. “That’s very stirring rhetoric, but I wonder if everyone really feels that way,” muses libertarian scholar Efthamia Garza, a research fellow at the Nyancato Institute. “So why not give everyone the choice? Make it legal for people to sell their votes, and leave it to them to decide what’s more important to them: keeping their vote, or feeding their family.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the best way to be heard in politics is to speak softly and carry a big comedy prop.

2021-11-05 20:30

Party On, Leader!

Satirists have begun to take advantage of easygoing ballot access rules in Random Chaos. This became particularly obvious when the Society of Internationalist Liberal Localist Yuppies came within a hundred votes of winning a seat in parliament with a manifesto platform of “growing money on trees” and “popcorn for all”.

  1. “How could we let this happen?” gasps the barely-victorious mainstream candidate, trying to ignore his opponent gamboling in the background with a 2-foot-tall foam mobile phone. “This so-called political party is a direct result of how loose our ballot access restrictions have become! We need to crack down on parties that don’t have realistic positions!”
  2. “Do we not have free speech?” questions Maxine Barrymore, the SILLY candidate, handing you an autographed copy of her book, Jessica in Government. “My party receives votes as a protest against the status quo and against politicians who don’t listen. If the government and mainstream parties were to pay attention to voters for once, then maybe we wouldn’t need to exist! You must give us more direct democracy - referenda, public consultations and the right to have petitions discussed by parliament. Until then, we will defend our right to protest!”
  3. “You could learn a thing or two here!” exclaims comedian Jon Warden, handing you an aboriginal talking stick with ‘property of Lord Kettlenoggin’ written on it. “Spice up parliament by cracking a few jokes, dressing up in wacky ways, and capering a little. Don’t take politics or life so seriously - nothing is permanent.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the holiday spirit must not be taken to the max.

2021-11-05 14:30

Once Upon a Time

On the night before Maxxmas, and the day of as well, national headlines had a story to tell. Between North and South Palisade, the endless war grew dire, but — for a couple of days — the two sides ceased fire. On the land that a mere day ago had been shelled, a jolly game of football was held, but as your army had joined in the merriment, it became quite an issue for your national parliament.

  1. “How could they do this? What could this mean?” your Minister of War shouts and screams. “The thought of our soldiers getting along with North Palisade! This was their opportunity to launch a foray! Forget about the reason, this is an act of treason, and war is a battle that should be fought, not played. Our national pride is now at stake, and letting this slide would be a mistake. The consequence for befriending a rival: a homecoming soldier should be arrested ‘pon arrival. Let it be declared — from coast to coast — fraternising with foes is what we hate most.”
  2. “But Maxxmas is the most wonderful time of the year,” cries General Neumann, shedding a tear. “Our soldiers fight day and night without rest, killing people and living in fear and distress. The sacred tradition of peace amongst all is something that unites nations, both great and small. Forget about the victory we could have had if we fought. It’d be best if every Maxxmas we ceased fire on the spot!”
  3. “Maxxmas is a stupid holiday with an equally stupid tradition.” You look up in dismay to find the infamous Krampus S. Grinchen. “Give a gift this and peace on Earth that! I could pick better names than Maxxmas out of a hat!” He finally mutters after a ghastly tirade, “Banning it would be the first decent decision you’ve ever made.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy" to "Moralistic Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, police officers often conceal their identities to safeguard against public complaints.

2021-11-05 08:30

An Unwarranted Intrusion

When maverick cop Nyota Yoo suspected that city worker Ganondorf Falopian had kidnapped 13-year-old Theseus with murderous intentions, she knew that by the time she applied for a search warrant the poor teen could already be dead. She kicked the door down, and saved the day. In the aftermath, many are asking if she did the right thing, and what lessons Random Chaos could learn here.

  1. “Why do we even need search warrants anyways?” asks gung-ho police officer Björn Siskel, grizzled long-time partner of the hero cop. “All this bureaucracy does is make it harder for us to find the people responsible for crimes. If you have nothing to hide, then what’s the problem?”
  2. “That’s typical police state thinking! Proper procedure protects the populace!” exclaims Gertie Biscuitbarrel, a representative of anti-corruption foundation World Of Watchdog. “We need to make it clear that a search warrant must be obtained before forced entry, and we should prosecute this officer for breach of procedure! Can you imagine the police busting in while you’re sharing an intimate moment with your partner? Can you imagine if a cop with a grudge against you decides to break in and wreak havoc with your house on a whim? Is that what you want?”
  3. “We do need warrants for sure, but sometimes officers see something that causes them to make a split second decision, when they have to act immediately for the common good, without going through all the proper steps first,” says Chief Leonardo Gutnick of the Random Chaos City Police Department. “I think we should judge breaks in protocol by the results. If the suspects were hiding something, then no problem. But if the officer finds nothing, then we have to judge whether their actions were reasonable, or illegal.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rundown towns are frequently sold to billionaires for their pet projects.

2021-11-05 02:30

Subpar Suburbs

A water main burst in a suburb of Random Chaos City. After months of inaction, the pool of standing water has turned the now largely abandoned commercial district into a watering hole for local wildlife. Local businesses have come to you demanding change.

  1. “If the state of our town proves one thing, it’s that the government is completely incapable of running it properly,” argues cycling enthusiast and owner of the local bike shop Gone With The Schwinn, Prudence Winters. “Government priorities shift with each election cycle making it impossible for any real growth to happen. We need to privatize the local government if this town is going to run a profit again. Companies can bid for control of everything, from garbage collection to city hall!”
  2. “You want to do what?” protests Zaheer Dumas, Mayor of the city. “A town is more than its profit margin, Leader. Sure, we’ve seen better days, but it’s because our budget has been hacked away year after year. If the government would invest in our fair town instead of throwing it to the wolves, we’d be back on track in no time.”
  3. “These plans, they have no charm, no wonder!” announces Elias Yensid, strolling into the room with an elaborate model city. “I present to you the Exploratory Paradigm City of Tomorrow! What my team and I aim to do is transform this rundown one-horse town into the forefront of science, technology, and international togetherness. Maybe we’ll even throw in a roller coaster or two. Think of it as a blueprint for the future! With me in full control of course.”
  4. “Every one of these plans conveniently forgets about the animals,” chastises the head barista from Bean Me Up Coffee. “Y’all saunter in here after mother nature has made the best of a bad situation. That watering hole is crucial to the local wildlife, and it simply isn’t fair to take that away from the bunnies and deer and the cute little birds. Let’s take whatever money we were going to waste on rebuilding this failing town and turn it into a nature reserve.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, elections have become procedural nightmares due to voters persistently rejecting candidates.

2021-11-04 20:30

Vote for ‘None of the Above’?

A loose coalition of political activists running the gamut of the political spectrum has started a petition to add ‘None of the Above’ as an option on every ballot, so that a voter can reject all candidates if they feel none of them represent a viable option. If ‘None of the Above’ wins the election, a new election with all-new candidates would have to be held.

  1. “It’s a simple matter really,” says left-wing activist and former rock star Rand Adams. “Sometimes when you’re voting, all the options suck. Why then should people be forced to hold their nose and vote for the lesser of two, or even three or four evils? Adding ‘None of the Above’ to the ballot would ensure that the people have a choice at all times, even if that choice is to reject the choices they have been given!”
  2. “Adding ‘None of the Above’ to the ballot makes absolutely no sense,” contributes conservative political pundit Yoko Fox. “Those who want to run for office have already put their names on the ballot, and if none of those options suits the voter, that’s just too bad. Instead, we ought to prevent this sort of problem and limit the number of options. Sure, fewer people can run, but that will eliminate costly runoff elections completely!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, snap elections are called over every minor impasse.

2021-11-04 14:30

Bicameral Backlash

The Random Chaosian upper house recently voted down a major tourism bill, provoking significant backlash in the lower house. Legislators have gathered in your office, and they’re now debating whether Random Chaos truly needs an upper house.

  1. “The upper house is outdated and elitist,” argues one of your rather ambitious backbenchers, MP Solomon Hawkins, who is a favorite of the tourism industry. “It’s an anachronism, a holdover of a bygone era. Bicameralism belongs to an age when the population was divided into patrician and plebeian classes. In the modern day, it doesn’t make any sense. The upper house is a needless and inefficient institution full of overeducated and uppity old farts who only exist to obstruct our progress. It’s a roadblock to the will of the lobby - um, the people. Leader, empower the people’s house! Abolish the upper house now!”
  2. “The tourism bill was corporate welfare pure and simple, and that hack knows it,” rebukes Lady Kristy Organa, the Mother of the Upper House as she enjoys her snack of camembert and caviar. “We need an upper chamber to give each piece of legislation a sober second thought. Our job is to scrutinize bills for errors and temper the transient passions of the lower house. We need to be given more power, including vetoing dreadful legislation that comes out of the lower house that violates Random Chaos’s values and customs.”
  3. “The old woman is right,” comments Eve vanStraaten, the head of the Random Chaosian Electoral Commission. “Our nation needs an upper house to be a check on the lower. After all, unicameralism would basically make you an elected dictator with all that unchecked power. At the same time, the upper house’s disapproval should not be a death knell for otherwise popular legislation. I have a compromise. Let’s allow the lower house to call a snap election if the upper house blocks one of its bills. If the lower house, after the election, passes the same bill again, then it becomes law regardless of what the upper legislators think. Expensive? Sure, but at least we give the people the right to break parliamentary stalemates whenever they happen.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are less concerned with policy and more concerned with whether politicians "call 'em like they see 'em".

2021-11-04 08:30

The Silent Majority’s Roaring Mouthpiece

Jeffrey Tavener recently won your party’s primary for a crucial seat despite a never-ending slew of controversies. He’s brash, impolite and frequently resorts to schoolyard insults, but his supporters are fervent and unwavering. Your advisers worry that further association with him will cost you votes in the next election.

  1. “We must immediately replace him with someone competent as soon as possible!” exclaims your campaign strategist after hyperventilating into a paper bag. “This extremist only appeals to the fringes of the party, not real voters. We will pay dearly if we’re seen supporting and working with people like him. This man is a ticking time bomb of controversies that explodes every hour! Ditch him for the sake of your survival! And for the sake of common decency of course.”
  2. “All this hooey is exactly why we voted for him in first place!” chastises local pig farmer Cassidy Chatwin, her pants covered in what you hope is mud. “You’ve lost touch with the common man’s problems, Leader. Jeffrey Tavener gets us. He’s not polished and he’s not fake like a career politician. He may not be polite, but he speaks the truth and damn whoever doesn’t like it! He’s got the gumption to put you and your corrupt friends in your place!”
  3. “The problem is the lack of vetting at the nomination process,” suggests Harsh Iglesias of the party’s South Random Chaos Riding Association. “The allegations against him didn’t come out until after the nomination took place so our hands were tied. We need better screening of potential candidates, extensive background checks, weeding out problematic beliefs, and the ability to swap out candidates if any... undesirable nominees slip through the cracks.”
  4. “Y’know, his behavior may be radical, but his face certainly isn’t,” begins Special Agent Marina Pond while leafing through some photos. “Why, I’d say there was at least — oh I don’t know — 37 people who could pass for him.” She hands you a stack of dossiers. “Take this fellow for instance. Ardent supporter of you, spitting image of the unfortunate candidate... easily manipulated. With some vocal training and coach to mirror his mannerisms, we can fix this problem with no one being the wiser. We will have to ‘take care’ of Jeffrey Tavener, but that’s really a minor detail.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, employees who skip lunch to avoid sub-par cafeteria food risk getting fired.

2021-11-04 02:30

Gotta Go Fast

When the Holy Month of Golden Bloom rolls around, members of the Tranquility of Yellow observe fasting: neither eating nor drinking anything from dawn till dusk. Yulha Vangelis, your Minister of Labor, has reasoned that fasting leads to a loss of productivity and potentially endangers lives.

  1. “I mean, it’s a no-brainer, isn’t it?” asks Yulha Vangelis, still chewing the big bite he took of his mouth-watering chocolate lava cake. “These people fast for an entire day, and everyone knows that prolonged hunger and dehydration can cause concentration problems. What if a Yellowite surgeon operated on a patient while fasting and made a mistake? Human lives come before religious duties. Hence, all Tranquil Yellowites should be banned from fasting if they want to keep their jobs.”
  2. “How dare you meddle with my freedom of religion!” gasps Dallin Connery, a Yellowite preacher, flourishing a staff topped with an ornamental sunflower at the Labor Minister, while casting a yearning glance at his cake. “I have practised fasting since I was a child, and I can assure you that it doesn’t compos- compres- I mean compromise our cognitive abilities. Also, daytime fasting isn’t actually unhealthy you know - there’s growing evidence that it reduces a number of ailments and could even prevent cancers. It would be both spiritually and physically good if you told all Random Chaosians to join the Fast of the Holy Month of Golden Bloom.”
  3. “Let’s not be hasty; I’m sure there is room for a sweet compromise here,” chimes in Jadzia Kennett, your Minister of Creative Solutions. “I agree that suffering from thirst and hunger for a whole day can cause problems in the workplace. But instead of banning our Yellowite citizens from fulfilling their religious duties, we could give them paid leave during the Holy Month of Golden Bloom, so they could safely fast in the comfort of their homes. To safeguard equality, we can make similar accommodations for all faiths: extra vacations for pilgrimages and regular prayer breaks at work.”
  4. “This whole fasting thing is sacrilege!” exclaims Papa Luigi, a well-known pizzeria owner and a member of the Cult of Pizza, flailing his arms dramatically. “Only infidels would dare to starve themselves in blatant defiance of the Holy Crustiness of Pizza Margherita. We should prohibit all forms of fasting and endorse a force-feeding procedure for those who restrict their food intake for whatever reason. Pizza for Random Chaos! Pizzazz for Random Chaos!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos's first free elections in recent memory have been successfully concluded.

2021-11-03 20:30

Bring Back the Ballot?

Angry crowds formed yesterday around government offices in Random Chaos, demanding the reinstatement of free and fair elections.

  1. “Give us the vote!” cries protester Gerald English, before hurling another volley of eggs. “It is the right of the many to decide who leads our country, not the few! If we don’t get democracy right now, we’ll... we’ll, uh... we’ll throw more eggs, that’s what we’ll do! Don’t say you haven’t been warned!”
  2. “Elections?! Have they gone quite insane?!” shouts red-faced government hard-liner, Lisa MacDonald. “We can’t possibly allow that rabble to have such a degree of control over this country! They’re never happy! One moment they’re demanding democracy, the next they’ll be complaining about all the new taxes! If we dropped taxes, you’d find that they’d be much more compliant. And if they’re not, we’ll get the army to fill ‘em full of lead.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cinemas play art-house movies to ever-shrinking audiences as film critics rule the industry.

2021-11-03 14:30

Jumping the Sharknado

After another movie season dominated by sequels, remakes and spin-offs, cinema buffs have come to your office begging for action.

  1. “What happened to the classics of days gone by?” rhetorically questions renowned film critic Robert Sherbert. “The Random Chaosian movie industry used to be known for such masterpieces as ‘The Modfather: Part One’, ‘A Clockwork Violet’, and ‘Once Upon A Time In The West Pacific’, not the drivel they’re putting out these days. If studios want to release films in Random Chaos they should give us something original.”
  2. “I didn’t become a director to make films like ‘Rise Of The Planet Of The Gambler Revisited’,” gripes Gwilym Davenport. “But it’s all the studios will sanction. It’s such an expensive business making movies, and given the risks it’s no wonder we play it safe. Perhaps if the government were to underwrite our projects, I’d finally get a chance to finish ‘Heaven’s Door’.”
  3. “Haha!” chortles Ezra Krugman, while watching ‘Mad Max vs. Jar Jar Binks 2: The Unrated Edition’ on his smartphone. Shovelling another handful of popcorn into his mouth, he turns to interject, “Oh my god, this is the best part, guys. Will you keep quiet back there?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Tourism facilities are being turned into gambler habitats.

2021-11-03 08:30

Murder, He Shouted!

Your Chief Economic Adviser, Mr. Shylock Holmes, was found dead in your office with several stab wounds in his back early this morning. A baffled Random Chaos City P.D. has called in the assistance of world-renowned Lilliputian private investigator Mr. Marple to help untangle the mystery. After several hours of thorough investigation, the notoriously eccentric detective has called all the suspects to the parlour.

  1. “You can’t possibly think it was me,” states Colonel Custard, the victim’s old business partner, while trying to hide a red stained shirtsleeve. “He and I were the best of friends. In fact, I was paying him under the table to give you terrible advice that would favour my company; why would I kill him? If anything, it was probably that harlot secretary of yours. I know for a fact they’ve been getting it on all over your desk when you leave the office. This is clearly the result of a sordid affair gone wrong; arrest that minx! And while we’re at it, throw a tiny tax break in my direction. It’s what he would’ve wanted.”
  2. “Lies, all lies!” your young secretary Miss O’Hara hisses aggressively at Col. Custard. “He was no friend of yours, or those polluting tourism facilities you have set up everywhere. He was a tender soul, and our love made him a new man; yes, with such a big heart, no wonder the old man had so much blood in him! He was going to propose cutting every one of those subsidies propping up your business, and you knew it!” O’Hara turns back to face you with crocodile tears forming in her eyes. “Leader, I demand you have that greedy phoney arrested, and then convert his corporate holdings into a series of national parks! It’s what my love would’ve wanted.”
  3. “Silence!” shouts Detective Marple, as he stops grooming his impeccable moustache in one of your antique mirrors and walks to the centre of the room. “Mon Dieu, enough with the talking of the words and the pointing of the fingers. The Great Marple hears nothing but the jibber and the jabber. The old friend, the foxy secretary; such clichés! Are any of you cold-blooded enough to have done this deed? I say, non! When you add it all up, there is really only the one solution. Only one in this room deserves to be put in the little grey cell.” The elderly detective then proceeds towards your desk, and retrieves a quite exquisite candlestick from one of your drawers. “It was you, Leader! It was you who stabbed and stabbed with the stick that holds the candles until he was no more! All out of fear for your young and dashing advisor outshining you. Take the murderer away, Chief Inspector Snickers; I am disgusted by their presence.”
  4. “Oh my Violet, this is just like the ending of ‘The Maxtopian Falcon’,” opines amateur filmmaker Professor Prune, who inexplicably appears from your closet. “You are being framed, Leader. It was the detective all along. He killed your adviser just so he could take the case and make headlines for putting you away for murder! You need to hold him responsible, and the rest of the Random Chaos City P.D. too, for that matter, for being too slow to realize his ploy!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Avoided.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Gambler is one of the most popular forenames in Random Chaos.

2021-11-03 02:30

What’s in a Name?

A man by the name of &%*\@# Smith hit the headlines yesterday when he had his first name legally changed to ‘John’, citing the ridicule and stress he suffered because of his given name. Mr Smith publicly commented afterwards that there should be more restrictions on what parents can name their children.

  1. “People do so love to be different,” says Insert Name Here, with a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what my folks were thinking when they named me. Probably about how ‘novel’ and ‘with it’ they were being, but I didn’t get a say in it did I? Growing up in my neighbourhood with the first name ‘Insert’ wasn’t fun at all I can tell you! The government should set up a registry of recognised names that are clean, sensible, and non-teasable. Kids deserve better.”
  2. “It’s none of the government’s business what I name my daughter,” says Follicle Rainbow Gooseknob, cradling [expletive deleted] in her arms. “Are you going to tell us what to think next? Where to go? Who to love? I don’t want some grey-faced bureaucrat deciding what name is appropriate for my child! What kind of country hates personal freedom so much you can’t even choose your own name?”
  3. “Names? Names are so inefficient!” says Five-Oh-Three McGoohan, counting beads. “Who can honestly tell one Boyson Matsenjwa from another? That name’s so popular now, I met three people at the mall with it just last week! Face it! Names are old-hat! Everyone ought to go by a government-allocated ID number instead, much more practical. Who could make fun of a child named Six-Eight-Four?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corrupt paupers spend taxpayer chips on liquor and tobacco.

2021-11-02 20:30

Alms and Qualms

Leaked financial reports have revealed that three of the five largest supposedly nonprofit charity organizations in Random Chaos have sent a substantial amount of their revenue to offshore bank accounts over the last fiscal year, with a negligible percentage going to the causes they champion. The altruists who donated to these faux-philanthropic facades are demanding that action be taken.

  1. “They’ve not only manipulated us, they’ve given false hope to the destitute!” cries Gary Pong, head of the dozen or so philanthropists crowded around your desk. “Half of my paycheck went to the charity BrasilistanWe last month, but according to the leaked documents, the money that should have gone to those poor children instead went toward jet skis, liquor, and goodness knows what else. The government must mandate that charities be completely transparent with their activities. We’ll pay for the government monitors and investigators. Just see to it that our aid goes to the needy!”
  2. “It truly is a sad day when humanity forsakes itself for material wealth,” laments an ascetic monk, flagellating himself in your office. “I implore the citizenry to ignore avaricious secular charities, as they seek to take advantage of the people’s altruism. Mandate that only religious charities can take donations since the Great Callipygian One’s guidance makes us truly care for the needy. Alms-giving is an integral column of our clergy, and we have the numbers and the devotion to see our duties through.”
  3. “To the typical observer, it seems like we’ve been dishonest,” sighs the CEO of the charity BrasilistanWe. “In truth, we sent our monies to offshore bank accounts so that they could accumulate interest, giving us more funds to help those in poverty. We were also planning to invest donations in some very lucrative stocks to generate more funds. This is what we resort to because not many people donate to charity. Ignore the exposés, allow us to continue our operations, and donate a sizable amount of cash to us to restore the people’s confidence in our foundation. We’ll help all the poor unfortunate souls with your contributions.”
  4. “Y’know, maybe it’d be best if the government make private charities less necessary by directly helping people instead,” dribbles a beggar who was part of an earlier photo op showcasing the government helping the poor. “Private donations depend on people’s goodwill, a scarce resource. Taxes are harder to avoid! Random Chaos will be the world’s greatest charity! You could really help out poor folk here and abroad!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a survey of the nation's rivers and children has shown that pesticide levels are at an all-time regional high.

2021-11-02 14:30

Organic Outburst

After a recent left-wing broadsheet exposé of agricultural practices, an outburst of public paranoia has stirred up the organic foods debate.

  1. “I just can’t stomach it any more,” rants concerned parent Jill Rasputin. “My children’s future is being put at risk by irresponsible corporate practices. We must outlaw the use of pesticides and additives by farmers and food producers.”
  2. “I’ve heard enough of this treehugging, lefty nonsense,” argues corporate spokesperson Nikita Woolf. “The agricultural industry needs to use the most advanced technology available, it’s the only way to keep Random Chaos competitive in food production. Besides, the studies we have commissioned prove that only a very small number of child deaths are due to our products, and surely that’s an acceptable rate in the name of progress?”
  3. “Stop torturing Mother Earth!” yells outraged environmental extremist Tabitha Edwards. “Are we prepared to sacrifice our planet and our souls for the sake of a few extra chips? If we hope to live in harmony with the environment that nurtures and protects us, we must ban all industries that pollute our world. Let us return to the trees, my brothers!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, theft is considered to be okay if the crime happened a long time ago.

2021-11-02 08:30

Tatty Treaty Spat Turns Catty

University scholars recently made headlines for their discovery that an antiquated treaty between the government and the native Violetstone tribe was never correctly translated into the tribe’s language. The treaty - in which the tribe agreed to give up a substantial portion of their native lands - used verb tenses which implied that the agreement was only temporary. Speakers have converged in your office from each of the four directions to give their opinion on the matter.

  1. Chief Sitting Gambler, elected representative of the Violetstone tribe, paces in front of your desk indignantly. “All my ancestors have been cheated of our sacred land by your people. How are we supposed to thrive on tiny parcels of arid land like Spruce Ridge and Leaning Rock Reservations? I demand that all that was once ours is immediately returned to us, regardless of whether the land is privately or publicly owned. It is our heritage and birthright!”
  2. “This simply cannot happen!” proclaims Sanjeev Pence, your Minister of Housing and Development, after Chief Sitting Gambler has returned to the sweat lodge that he constructed on your front lawn. “These people are laying claim to productive commercial and industrial zones, along with residential land that was settled by thousands of families. We cannot afford to give up these areas. So what if a few minorities get upset? We need to keep this land, for the prosperity of Random Chaos!”
  3. Your exasperated secretary hurries over to deliver a new folder of issues to you. “Obviously, we can’t just return the land; it’s too valuable to the country. But we can’t ignore these people either; they’re too large a percentage of our population to be disregarded.” Looking pensive, he pauses for a moment and readjusts his glasses. “How about we reimburse them another way? A lump sum of a few million chips should settle them down, right?”
  4. “Listen to this codswallop!” grumbles your bigoted great-uncle while jotting down a series of misspelled racist slogans in a tattered notebook. “These leeches have contributed nothing worth having to our glorious Free Land! They’re lazy vagrants who create a burden on civilized society. All they do is take drugs and commit crimes. Why not just eject them from the country? Only our race is good enough for Random Chaos!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a nickname of "Doctor Death" probably indicates a decorated war hero.

2021-11-02 02:30

First, Do No Harm

A recent army operation to secure a contested landing zone for medical evacuation of injured infantrymen saw military doctors and nurses being ordered to open fire on enemy soldiers, in order to clear a path to the helicopters. This has triggered a debate on the ethics of firearm use for battlefield medical personnel.

  1. “Our corpsmen have sidearms because they are soldiers, and soldiers kill people!” bellows your Rear-Echelon Marshall Fokker, pointing his index finger at a nervous aide and making ‘pew-pew’ noises. “This is war! Do you expect our doctors and nurses to stand by when there’s fighting to be done? No! A medic is just a soldier with additional skills. They must use their sidearms to kill the enemy at every opportunity. Hell, let’s give them flamethrowers!”
  2. “I object, that goes against everything I believe in and everything I trained for,” argues military Staff Nurse Lieutenant Flora Slaava, dramatically standing on a chair. “Our job is to heal, not to kill! To sustain life for as long as humanly possible, not take it! In fact, we have an ethical duty to treat wounded enemy soldiers. Carrying a gun diminishes our status as non-combatants, and we should neither be expected or allowed to carry firearms.”
  3. “I think I disagree partially with my colleague here,” states army gastroenterology consultant Major Pyles. “Some situations do warrant the use of firearms. You have to protect your patient with your life, your patient whose life is in your hands. Should we let him be taken prisoner or let the enemy deal him a deathblow? Of course not! That would be doing him harm! That, in my opinion, goes against the very oath we swore to hold sacred. We do need sidearms, but to defend ourselves and our patients. However, we should never participate in offensive actions.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government funds private schools for intellectually gifted children.

2021-11-01 20:30

Test Results Deemed ‘Ungood’ After Global Survey

In a worldwide survey, it has been revealed that Random Chaos’s population has been graded ‘dim’ by international comparison.

  1. “These results are terrible!” wails Eve Stewart, a concerned teacher. “Something has to be done, and done quickly, if anyone’s going to take today’s youth seriously. It’s high time we started to promote our gifted children; it is they who are the ones that bring us forward! The rest of today’s youth shouldn’t worry though, a basic education should be enough for a factory worker.”
  2. “This is indeed a problem, and I believe it’s a result of the social inequality in Random Chaos,” comments Kevin Burton, a well-known social reformer. “It is obvious that students from different social classes will score differently in the tests. We can’t condemn all these kids to a life of inferiority because of a gifted minority. Instead we should make sure that everyone can follow the lessons! Lower the teaching level, so that even the less intellectually-orientated can keep up with the class. The nerds can always teach themselves; it would be unfair to provide them with extra funds after all.”
  3. “This is stupid, it would ruin our nation’s population of skilled workers!” says Peggy Hendrikson, a college professor. “There’s never enough able-minded citizens for the more specialised careers. We must force our less-intelligent to learn! Get their noses right against the grindstone! Let’s raise the bar a bit so even our best students have to sweat whilst learning! The others will of course be forced to learn even more to keep in touch, but that just shows them how real life works. To fund it, well, our defence budget is already too large, if you ask me.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia fell from "Enforcer" to "Dealmaker".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Tesco was recently named as the new national treasurer.

2021-11-01 14:30

Corruption in the Lobby

After the passage of a bill giving billions of chips to “any oil company with two ‘x’s in its name”, there was much discussion over the influence that corporate lobbies have over the government and whether it was getting out of hand - until an all-waves radio and TV broadcast suggested citizens go have a coffee at Starbucks instead.

  1. “It disgusts me how much this government is eating out of the hands of corporations,” says Kasie Wilk, an anti-corporate activist. “A government’s first priority is supposed to be its people! Random Chaos! Not some faceless company interested in nothing but money! The right to petition is for individual citizens, not for multinational companies that answer to no one.”
  2. “There’s no need to get excited, we’ve got everyone’s best interests at heart,” replies Amahl Redwood, a corporate lobbyist. “Yes, individuals have the right to make their opinions known to the government, but so too do groups of individuals. And that’s all a corporation is: a group of individuals wanting to contribute. By helping corporations, the government helps the country. Unemployment goes down, the economy goes up, and everyone’s favourite products become more readily available. In fact, if corporations were already part of the political process we could do so much more! I propose that companies be allowed to run for office.”
  3. “Over my dead body they will,” says Elizabeth Wu, a civil servant. “The problem with lobbying is that it’s so easily abused. There are too many opinionated idiots out there prepared to rally around some obnoxious or silly cause. Last week the parliament reviewed a petition from thousands of citizens complaining about birds being too noisy! I mean, really! We’d be better off ignoring lobbyists altogether and trusting in your own sagacity, esteemed leader.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader claims to know what infants are thinking.

2021-11-01 08:30

Following Yonder Star

The rulers of three distant kingdoms have all requested permission to enter Random Chaos and visit the small town of Betraisa during a specific week this year. When asked for an explanation, they each disclosed that a keen interest in astrology had led them to believe that a long-prophesied religious teacher and leader of mankind would soon be born there. When pressed for further details about how to identify this individual, however, they all decided that letting your government know any more might not be the wisest thing to do.

  1. “Hallelujah!” exclaims Belinda Clinton, your Minister for Culture, Religious Affairs, and Tourism. “We must welcome this opportunity, aid those three kings in their visit, and honour the Prophet-to-be! We will surely improve our chances of salvation... and attract more tourists in the future, too. Yes, these visitors might end up starting a bizarre cult, but we should support religious freedom, right?”
  2. “Who do these wise guys think they are, wanting to waltz into our country and proclaim that a baby has higher authority than your own?” scoffs Gabriel Herod, your Head of Internal Security Services. “I suppose we could try letting the kings in and following them to see whether they all select the same newborn as this prophesied one. If that does happen, you surely don’t want any potential rivals, do you? Wouldn’t it be a pity if Betraisa Hospital’s maternity ward burnt down at the end of that week, killing everybody inside? That sounds like just the sort of thing those Ultra-Violetist terrorists could be blamed for.”
  3. “Isn’t your sister due to give birth soon?” inquires Layla Rasputin, the overly ambitious civil servant who is taking notes at this meeting. “Perhaps you might arrange for her to do so in Betraisa, proclaim your new nephew as this prophesied Holy One, and then appoint yourself as the child’s designated spokesperson. The followers of this new cult would do whatever you told them! For unto us a child is born, and Leader will be upon his shoulders!”
  4. “Bah, humbug! What utter nonsense!” retorts Ebenezer Wood, your Minister for Information. “Nobody should believe in non-scientific ideas like prophecy or astrology, or religion in general, anyway. What we need is a public education campaign against such concepts - then it won’t matter if some child coincidentally does match the supposed forecast.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, half-naked men feature prominently in official military materials.

2021-11-01 02:30

We Need a Few Good Men Who Like Men?

With military recruitment numbers down, there’s been some discussion in civilian circles of relaxing ‘sodomy’ regulations in the armed forces in order to allow homosexuals to serve openly. However, with the occasional reports from the field of suspected homosexuals being beaten by their squadmates, some wonder if such measures are really appropriate for the notoriously conservative culture of the military.

  1. “There will never be room for gays in our God-fearing service,” says Army Chaplain Orel Roze, absent-mindedly fingering the religious device of his office on his lapel. “I mean, uh, think about what it would do to morale. In the military men have to eat, live, and sleep in extremely close quarters and even consensual sexual relationships in the chain of command leads to leadership problems. It’s just a natural extension of fraternization rules... and not only that, but our current policy is actually a service to the poor misguided souls, since it prevents any temptation to act on their given perversion... I mean preference.”
  2. “God doesn’t enter into it,” says Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Angela Longfellow, head shaking. “Times are changing, and people are becoming more accepting of homosexuals. We have women in the military, and that surely leads to ‘temptation’, but for the most part everyone’s quite professional about it. Allowing homosexuals to serve openly will increase our recruitment pool and actually simplify things; just look at the Navy: hundreds of horny men in steel boxes in the middle of the ocean for up to six months at a time... there has to be a reason that people volunteer for that, right?”
  3. “This coming from some pampered soul in the Chair Force,” scoffs Commander Emmanuel Shatner, calling in via satellite from aboard a destroyer. “Inter-service rivalries aside, ever read some of those ancient sagas about cities being besieged? Those ancient cultures had no problem with homosexuality; actually, it strengthened their resolve and spirit because they were literally fighting alongside their lovers, and anyone in the service will tell you it’s all about the guy standing next to you. Now, what if—and this is just a hypothetical, mind—based on this and to counter years of discrimination, only homosexuals were allowed to serve?”
  4. “That’s... interesting, but it doesn’t really address the problem, does it?” asks Lance Corporal Kellyanne Beckham, part of your honor guard. “Let’s look at it this way: only ten percent of the population is homosexual, right? No matter what, the majority will be heterosexual. We want homosexuals to serve, but there will always be a backlash against them. No regulation changes are needed if you just pen a policy where sexual orientation becomes a taboo subject in discussion—not like it’s anyone’s business to talk about their sexual interests in a professional military, right? This way homosexuals can serve, albeit quietly, and be happy, and the moral conservatives stay happy since the military is still ‘officially’ anti-gay. Of course, if anyone’s pulled out of the closet, their career is instantly over, but that’s the cost of compromise.”
  5. “We still have a military?” questions your Minister of Peace, scratching his unruly hair and smelling none too vaguely of patchouli. “Man, I thought we got rid of those war pigs and all that enlistment hoopla ages ago. Y’know, if you’d just listen to me and go with flowers instead of firearms, this whole gays-in-the-military thing wouldn’t be such a buzzkill all the time. Hey, speaking of buzzes, I just got these mighty strong Brancalandian Blues from a guy I know. I’m on one right now and they are far OUT. You wanna expand your mind with me? No? That’s cool too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, commercial jingles have been ham-handedly forced into world renowned symphonies.

2021-10-31 20:30

Maestro, Please

A delegation from the Random Chaos Philharmonia has shown up in your office, underlining their petition for the renovation of the nation’s concert halls with a serenade.

  1. “The once venerable concert halls of Random Chaos are in a sorry state,” laments trombonist Alexandra Breitbart, emptying her spit valve into your waste paper basket. “Some are dank, the stucco is crumbling in others, and it’s raining through the backstage roof of another! In the name of culture we must restore these halls to their former glory. It’s only a pittance to the national budget, but to our cultural reputation? Priceless.”
  2. “These caterwauling miscreants don’t deserve concert halls,” insists Draco Harper, a tone-deaf curmudgeon. “If they can’t support their hobby, then why should we, the suffering taxpayers, prop them up? Concert halls are businesses, and businesses that can’t stay afloat on their own disappear. Such is life. I say leave the whole lot to their inevitable demise.”
  3. “Times are tight. I sympathize with you,” consoles Kanya Obama, the CEO of Restorations R Us, handing you a decorative ‘Hang In There’ basket of goodies. “However, you need only ask, and - quick as a whip - my company will fund the construction of concert halls all across this fair country. All I ask is that we put up some advertisements in the lobbies and integrate a tasteful nod to sponsors into the programmes.”
  4. “The only reason to fund these musicians is if they are doing something worthwhile for their country,” says Brigadier General Omar Vajiralongkorn. “I’ve long said that Random Chaos’s Armed Forces would benefit greatly from a spic-and-span band in uniform. They would represent the splendor that embodies Random Chaos and they’d do it with pride! Of course by extension, they would be a part of the active forces and required to serve in battle if necessary. Always good to up the recruitment numbers, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, woke teenagers spontaneously burst into tears when thinking about the world's woes.

2021-10-31 14:30

No Tern Left Unstoned

Amongst bored youths — who seemingly have little else to do — an increasingly common pastime is stone-throwing. Teens and children have taken to lobbing pebbles at any available target, be it a glazed window, a passing seabird or an innocently wandering politician. As you’ve had your hat knocked off for the third time this morning, it may be time to address the problem.

  1. “All those poor animals,” mewls your Minister for the Environment, reverently laying onto the floor a dead seagull that was stoned to death five days ago, and which is starting to reek. “These children infest our streets like the maggots infesting the wings of this bird! We need to take decisive action: cops on the street, arresting any youth with a stone in hand.”
  2. “This is a social disease,” counters your Welfare Minister, spraying the rotting carcass with a disinfectant. “The problem here is a lack of empathy, and the best way to solve that is with education outreach programs designed to teach youngsters about consequences and taking personal social responsibility.” She nudges the dead bird out of your office door for someone else to clean up.
  3. “Look, a little youthful high spirits never hurt anybody,” consoles your Minister of Political Dismissiveness, as a stone sails in through your open window and hits the Welfare Minister directly on the nose. “As far as I’m concerned this is great for the glaziery industry, great for seaside pest control and great for spirited political commentary. Let’s just get some hard hats and a handful of stones, and return fire at the little tykes in a good-natured way. Fun and games for everyone.”
  4. “Actually, this is a great opportunity,” notes your Minister of Defence. “Imagine all that hand-eye coordination put to use throwing knives or lobbing grenades. We should be encouraging this hobby with national stone-throwing leagues, and keeping recruiters on hand to convince the winners to sign up for military careers.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the people's love for Leader is little more than self-preservation.

2021-10-31 09:00

Guilt by Association

A former member of your cabinet has just been executed for masterminding a plot to assassinate you and take power. While most are now satisfied that the threat has been dealt with, one particularly paranoid adviser has raised the issue of the deceased’s family.

  1. “These scoundrels are tainted by the crime of their kin,” says one of your fervently loyal ministers, as she shows you information on the family along with their pictures. “Treachery runs in their blood and we must rip it out, root and stem. The only solution is to execute the entire family as well. If you don’t, they will rise up and destroy us in revenge for what we did... It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
  2. “Come on, what century are we living in?” inquires your niece as she gently brushes your hair with a pink My Little Horsey hairbrush. “Show some mercy and let them know that they are safe under your regime. This will show you as a merciful and compassionate ruler, and leniency may very well inspire loyalty in them. I’m sure this will alleviate any bitterness they feel about their loved one being killed.”
  3. “I’m not too sure about just letting them carry on with things as normal,” says your perpetually suspicious Secret Police Chief. “Let them think they are in your good books, but keep a close eye on them for the rest of their lives. Constant surveillance will make sure they don’t get up to anything seditious.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Dealmaker" to "Enforcer".

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Avoided and the Top 10% for Rudest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corrupt industrial practices are spreading like a plague.

2021-10-31 02:30

Dirty Little Minds

The Health Ministry has expressed serious concerns at new evidence that pollutants in the atmosphere and water supply may be negatively affecting the intelligence and cognitive abilities of the nation’s children.

  1. “Legislation is the answer,” declares tatty-suited progressive Isabelle Coulson in the middle of a two-hour slideshow on rainfall. “Crack down on air pollution, regulate vehicle emissions, and heavily tax polluting industry and power generation. The economy may experience a short-term loss, but that sacrifice is worth it for our children’s long-term cognitive function.”
  2. “Self-regulation is the answer,” says expensively dressed lawyer Montgomery Khan, who just finished another fraud trial. “The industry will... uh... establish a voluntary code of conduct, and we will definitely think about cutting into our profit margins and reneging on our obligations to our shareholders to make a fast buck. At the very least, we’ll do some great PR work. And kids getting dumber? Well, I should point out that a dumb populace is a free-spending and unquestioning populace: that sort of thing is great for the economy.”
  3. “Science is the answer,” opines overzealous transhumanist Stefanie Rikkard, whose clothes are so metallic and futuristic they just look silly. “The problem here is that we’ve got the wrong sort of pollutants. Add the right neuro-stimulant chemicals to the waterways and the air, and I can guarantee you the lovely pollution will start making our kids harder, better, faster, stronger. Sure, they might have increased risk of fatal brain hemorrhage in puberty, but they’ll expand their cognition and consciousness and become Human Plus.”
  4. “Creative thinking is the answer,” schemes an intimidating ‘solutions manager,’ Barbie Zaius. “We can keep making pollutants, so long as we don’t let them get into our nation’s environment. I’ve got half a dozen amazing ideas, from selling our waste to gullible third world nations as fertilizers, to sticking some of the nastier chemicals into a newly rebranded ‘smokey-cola’ and pushing it to export. All extra sludge can just be dumped at sea - far, far away from Random Chaos. Recategorise waste as product, and we can get it out of the country at a nice profit.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, earthquake sirens are a leading cause of hearing loss.

2021-10-30 21:30

All Shook Up

Thousands of people were forcibly evacuated from a small town in North Random Chaos because of a predicted earthquake... which did not arrive. Weeks later, displaced residents are irate at the inconvenience.

  1. Dressed in several-day-old pajamas, angry retiree Eve Ward clambers over security to reach your desk. “I fled my home to avoid an earthquake, and I had to live in my sister-in-law’s house for weeks! I hate my sister-in-law! I demand an end to mandatory evacuations, and that the so-called ‘scientists’ be fined for making terrible predictions!”
  2. “It’s not our fault,” sighs bedraggled geologist Rebecca Dahl, pushing her glasses back onto her nose. “The problem is that we’re poorly funded and under-equipped. All we can do is make best guesses most of the time, and that’s to predict big aftershocks after small earthquakes. What we need is a grid of networked seismographs at one-mile intervals all across Random Chaos, higher wages to attract the best and brightest into seismology, and warning klaxons to tell people when to evacuate. Why, we’ll be able to predict earthquakes just seconds after they happen!”
  3. “I knew I shouldn’t have gone out of the house today!” cries full-time worrier Penny Kringle, adjusting a tight-fitting home-made protective bubble-wrap bodysuit. “If an earthquake was predicted but didn’t happen, who is to say it isn’t on its way? That town should never have been built in such an area of risk of quakes! We need to make sure all our population centers are in areas with no risk of earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, volcanoes, and landslides. I’m sure everyone would appreciate being safer!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, psychological disorders are a taboo subject.

2021-10-30 15:30

Oh, the Angst!

In response to rising rates of depression related suicides, mental health groups have called for government funding to help support treatment programs, citing various surveys that indicate psychological disorders are often an overlooked problem.

  1. “Although it is often dismissed as an irrelevant complaint, depression is a real disease; it isn’t just ‘all in your head’,” says Gene Berenstain, depression sufferer. “Depression has significant effects on groups and individuals, especially amongst teenagers. Every day, more and more people commit suicide because of this disease, but this could all be stopped if this country had informative public awareness programs. Even better would be providing mandatory counselling in free, government-run facilities for those who seem down-and-out. This will save lives!”
  2. “Screw them,” Liara Guilliman, talkback radio host, stated yesterday. “Depression isn’t a disease, it’s just another example of today’s youth finding something to complain about. Life’s never been better. In fact, just yesterday, I bought my fourth yacht. And even if it is as serious as the bleeding hearts claim, then I say we leave it and cut some of the funding being wasted on these head cases. If a few whiners jump off a bridge, it’ll be good for the gene pool. Natural selection, my friends. It’s a great thing.”
  3. “Actually, a lot of depression cases in teens are related to school and all the stress and pressure young people are under to succeed. A greater effort to correct the problem of depression should start there, with more funding so that schools can provide better counseling programs,” comments Dr. Ronald Nakatomi, author of the book Tomato Soup for the Soul. “That way teens who are depressed can get help even if their parents can’t or won’t take them to see a psychiatrist.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, students learn how to disarm mines before understanding basic arithmetic.

2021-10-30 09:30

A Blast From the Past

A teacher and four schoolchildren were killed on a field trip in a remote region of Random Chaos after an old anti-personnel mine was accidentally detonated. The landmines - relics of the nation’s previous wars - have taken the lives of many over the years.

  1. “You can see how important demining is, no?” asks Anna Silva, the CEO of Remove Landmine, an obscure private enterprise based in Bigtopia. “We clear Random Chaos of landmines for small price. No need to worry that forests obstruct progress; we remove them too, in big proud explosions. Bigtopian strength!”
  2. “Not the Bigtopians!” screeches Enrique Berenstain, fierce patriot and even fiercer guerilla fighter, jumping out of a filing cabinet and tackling the Bigtopian businessperson to the ground. “When the Bigtopian warmongers attacked, we were forced to deploy landmines. Now they have the cheek to try and profiteer from our misery! We should seize all Bigtopian assets and use them to set up a demining fund instead!”
  3. “I’ve got an idea!” suggests Kendall Guilliman, Minister of Education and part-time comedian, trying to stifle her laughter. “Why don’t we teach students proper demining techniques? I’m sure that it’s going to be useful in their everyday lives... somehow. Anyway, it should prevent such an incident from ever occurring again.”
  4. “Actually, we don’t need any of that,” explains Percy Nakatomi, an Army Logistics Supervisor, examining a map of Random Chaos. “Since we were the ones who planted the mines, we could dig up some old documents on how to retrieve them. While it may be more costly than just purposefully detonating all of them, we should be able to reuse any functional ones that we come across. Although some of them might not work as well as newly-made weapons, this would provide a well-needed boost to our military stockpile.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, stone wrist watches that weigh 20lb are the latest trend.

2021-10-30 03:30

You Got Stones

A government-sponsored contest to find the best Random Chaosian sculptor was wildly successful, with a multitude of statues brought to the Ministry of Culture’s marquee at the Random Chaos City Convention Center. Thanks to some small print in the competition’s terms and conditions, the entries are now the property of the Ministry of Culture. Now there are tens of thousands of sculptures to dispose of, many of which are frankly terrible.

  1. “You must display all these works in a permanent gallery!” exclaims Amos Yoo, a dubiously-talented artist who placed 3587th in the contest. “It doesn’t matter if people want to see these sculptures or not, as all art is part of the culture and history of our nation. Like that marble bust of you in the corner of your office, Leader - it’s pretty ugly, but we still keep it around.”
  2. “We should distribute the sculptures en masse to our allies!” suggests Ella Fallon, your Minister of Foreign Affairs, who you recall ‘regifted’ your birthday present to her back to you last year. “They’ll feel obliged to accept in order to maintain diplomatic politeness. And hey, what’s so bad about spreading Random Chaosian culture around the world?”
  3. “We should just demolish ‘em,” urges construction site foreman Juan Maldonado, grabbing a delicate-looking ceramic anaglyptic and breaking it over his knee for emphasis. “All we need is your permission, and an empty lot, and half-a-dozen bulldozers and steamrollers.”
  4. “Or we could repurpose these items,” suggests your DIY-loving Uncle Grogu, wearing a pair of dungarees he improvised from rubber bands and reclaimed umbrella fabric. “We can knock together all sorts of useful items if we put our minds to it: big paperweights, weights for the gym, weights to keep doors open, mobile phone cases... that weigh a lot. The choices are endless! Well, not exactly endless, but you know what I mean!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cyclists spend more time unlocking their bicycles than they do cycling.

2021-10-29 21:30

A Problem Shared

Bike-sharing organisations in Random Chaos are facing a bump in the road: inconsiderate users. From theft to vandalism, irresponsible users are forcing bikes to be replaced at unprecedented rates. The future looks bleak for bike-sharing, and without some swift intervention, the sound of bike bells across the nation’s cities may be consigned to distant memory.

  1. “The misuse of our bikes must stop!” exclaims Zeus Sato, the CEO of Cycology Degrees, an urban bike-sharing franchise, his two-wheeler tracking mud across your expensive carpet as he parks it against your bookcase. “It is essential that the police are given the resources to catch and punish citizens who damage or disappear our bicycles. Otherwise, our burgeoning bike-sharing scene will collapse even before it has taken off.”
  2. “Clearly, this is a failure of the private sector,” claims Dendi Assange, the Minister of National Development, adjusting his red beret. “If such enterprises were to be nationalised, we could ensure that all bicycles used meet safety and security standards. By retrofitting every bike in the land with theft-proof components, auto-locking mechanisms and GPS tracking systems, we’ll be able to ensure no bicycle will ever be stolen or tampered with again.”
  3. “Nonsense! What those bike-sharing organisations actually require are more easily replaceable stock,” argues origami-lover Jennifer Gibson, passing you a folded paper unicorn of unknown significance. “Inexpensive eco-friendly cardboard bikes would surely save loads of money, are entirely safe, and are fully waterproof and fire-resistant. If it wasn’t for user scepticism, we’d have been using them long ago. You could encourage their use by banning metal bikes, and with a few business subsidies.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gun regulations are so strict even staple guns and hot glue guns are illegal.

2021-10-29 15:30

Bright Orange Is the New Black

A misunderstanding involving a 12-year-old boy, a plastic toy gun, and five heavily armed police officers has resulted in substantial public uproar. The major news networks are having a field day over-analyzing the manufacturing and selling of bright orange sci-fi inspired toy guns for children.

  1. “We’re raising a generation of natural born killers!” writes left-wing child welfare activist Lars Tavener, who sent a copy of his letter to every member of your staff. “Next thing you know, they’ll want to play with real guns! When will it end? Remember, people don’t kill people, guns do! Even toy guns! We need to get anything that even remotely resembles a gun off the market!”
  2. “Hey! That’s our jobs you’re talking about!” bemoans Rory Chatwin, the CEO of Big Toys Inc., between puffs of a comically large and illegally imported cigar. “Banning our most popular toy lines would seriously damage our industry. I’d say the best way to handle this situation is a healthy corporate tax break. If we paid less taxes, we could up production and flood the market with so many toy guns that no kid would even want one! Then we sell them something better,” she says, letting out a long eerie laugh as cigar smoke fills the room.
  3. “Y’all gotta be kiddin’ me,” grumbles local gun enthusiast Agatha Hyde before spitting into a tin can near the doorway. “Plastic toy rayguns ain’t doin’ nobody no harm. When I was li’l we played with BB guns all th’ dad-gum time! Y’all wanna ban toy guns? Shoot, we should let ‘em have real guns! Make it legal, an’ all. I bet it’d even lower crime rates! Who’d wanna rob a house knowing little Tommy has a 9 mil?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, grumpy old house owners demand that pedestrians get off their footpaths.

2021-10-29 09:30

Make the Cut

When the grass on a roadside patch of lawn in front of Tanner O'Bannon’s house grew so long that a herd of wild deer moved in, the local council tried to force him to mow it - a job he claims is not his to do. Unexpectedly, this all-out turf war escalated over several months, till finally the problem has found itself on your doorstep.

  1. “It’s a bloody outrage, it is!” complains Tanner O'Bannon, who has showed up wearing nothing but a grubby string vest and stained briefs that have seen better days. “Some whinging council nerd says it was me land to mow and I gotta mows it! So then I told ‘em since it was me land, I can do whats I wants with it. Then they tell me it’s their land, but I gotta mows it. Anyways, I tells ‘em: if it ain’t me land, then it ain’t me bloody problem to mow the land, is it? If they want it mowed, they can bleedin’ mow it themselves!”
  2. “Surely you can’t expect us to look after every nature strip in our local government area?” asks Councillor Yasmin Urquhart, waving the red-ink-covered printout of the Local Authority’s annual budget. “By the time we pick up litter and pull weeds, we’ll need to be doubling our council rates! And when we do increase our rates, everyone chucks a stink! Force the idling bludgers to be socially responsible for once in their lives, and get them mowing!”
  3. “The whole problem appears to be that it’s not the resident’s land,” suggests Cortana Cohen, your Minister of Creative Solutions. “So what if we were to change that? Expand land rights out from the front door to the road. Homeowners get a land windfall, local authorities get to devolve responsibility. What could possibly go wrong?”
  4. “Hard problems need hard solutions,” observes Idris Kamen, manager of ConcreteIsUs. “Why don’t we just pave over the damned nature strip? That way it won’t matter whose land it is as no one will have to mow it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, incidents involving lethal string attacks have gone way up.

2021-10-29 03:30

A Gun in Every Hand and a Tank in Every Garage?

It’s no secret that Random Chaos is one of the most gun-happy nations in The Hatrackia. While guns are legal, a few restrictions do exist. Now, gun-toting citizens are demanding that the government expand gun rights to include bazookas, tanks, and other military-grade weapons. Naturally, the proposal has some concerned citizens up in arms.

  1. “It is the right of every patriotic citizen to own any kind of weapon they desire,” explains conservative actor and gun activist Charles Hester, who recently starred in the anti-war film Planet of the Gamblers. “Why should the military be the only ones trusted with these weapons? The fact that we can’t have them is nothing short of government tyranny and a liberal conspiracy to take our guns away! Some will say that this will be dangerous, but I doubt anyone will be talking smack when they see that well-polished tank on my front lawn!”
  2. “Damn right only the military should have these weapons!” firmly states Commander Margaret Zhu, while twirling the keys to a tank around her finger. “Do you really want to trust the average Random Chaosian with these dangerous weapons? We’d have people blowing each other up the moment there’s an argument over wind chimes, for Violet’s sake! In fact, what you need to do is provide more military funding so we can better secure these weapons before they fall into the wrong hands.” The keys slip from the commander’s grasp and fly out an open window.
  3. “You want to bring MORE weapons into Random Chaos?” despairs your ultra-liberal teenage niece, who is busy painting an anti-gun placard for her fifth march this year. “If anything, we need LESS weapons! The only thing guns are good for is killing people. Just look at all the statistics linking easily accessible guns to violent crime. Take a look at Brancaland’s sensible gun control legislation. They haven’t had a mass shooting in decades. We had one last week. If you have any compassion left in your body, you’d ban all guns now! Pry them out of their cold, dead fingers if you have to!”
  4. “Military grade weaponry doesn’t kill people, ignorance kills people,” counters the chairperson of the Responsible Gun Owners Association. “If all Random Chaosians were taught how to responsibly shoot, drive a tank, and fire an anti-aircraft rocket launcher, there’d be none of these so-called accidents you hear about. I don’t have a problem with the average citizen driving a tank as long as they’ve completed proper education and safety training. Then all those gun-grabbers can stop trying to infringe on our right to self-defense, and let us own whatever weapons we like.”
  5. “As my dear mother always said: ‘every problem has a compromise. Or in failing a compromise, a loophole,’” quotes your Minister of Compromises. “Citizens want to have machine guns, bazookas, and tanks? Let them have as many as they want, but let’s make sure that only the police and military have access to ammunition for military-grade weapons. This way they still get their precious weapons of war while we protect public safety. Maybe they can open up a museum or something. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t trust any of the idiots in this country with anything more dangerous than string.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, organ donation is compulsory.

2021-10-28 21:30

Compulsory Organ Harvesting Proposed

Tempers flare in Random Chaos as civil libertarians and the healthcare lobby clash once again over mandatory post-mortem organ donation.

  1. “It’s not as crazy as it sounds,” says Dr. Colleen Snape. “Every day, people die because we don’t have the organs to save them. Well, that and widespread under-funding of the health system. But the point is, if the government allowed us to take organs from dead people, we could save hundreds of lives a year. And come on, it’s not like dead people need them.”
  2. “You keep your damn hands off my organs!” says alarmed hospital patient Iago Bourdain. “They are my organs, and I’ll do with them what I like. The government has no right to my body.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, devotion to God is only skin-deep.

2021-10-28 15:30

No Need to Beat Yourself Up About It

Now is the Holy Week of the religion of the Tranquility of Yellow. Seven days of divine celebration climax on the last day, when young men and boys self-flagellate in the streets in order to prove their devotion to their god. This display is always a bloody spectacle, and sometimes participants end up in hospital.

  1. “This is a horrid exhibition,” declares Iris Stuckmann, a young mother who had to dodge the self-flagellants as she brought her kids home from school. “How can this primitive horror show be permitted in our civilized society? At the end of the day, there’s so much blood in the street that it looks like a battlefield. Ban this frightful demonstration and force those Yellowite weirdos to pray nicely!”
  2. “Yes, blood in the street never looks good,” concurs Aphrodite Calder, your Chief of Police. “Foreign news agencies that aren’t friendly towards us always claim that the blood comes from Random Chaosian police brutality. Be that as it may, we can’t give them fuel to add to their fire. Tell these Yellowites that if they must flog themselves, do it inside their own homes — not on the streets!”
  3. “If eternal damnation is what you seek, Leader, then go ahead and ban it,” smugly declares Sebastian Siena, a Yellowite priest, as his nurse tends to his many wounds. “The week of Holy Yellow has been observed for a thousand years, and the act of scourging ourselves en masse is the pinnacle of the week! We must be allowed to follow our religious ideals without hindrance: the commandments say that we need to be punished. In fact, it wouldn’t hurt if the government be more supportive of us flagellants: start portraying Holy Yellow in a more positive way, and let’s see some advertisements about the benefits of self-flagellation. Yes... just like that!” The priest screams in ecstasy as his nurse tends to a particularly deep wound.
  4. “That’s not a bad idea,” muses Erik Hicks, the principal of your niece’s school, who came to your office to discuss the best way to discipline your wayward niece. “Everyone’s going on these days about how corporal punishment on kids should be banned. I guess we could spank them less to satisfy the bleeding hearts. And thus, in order to still maintain order in schools, we should make a law that forces kids to punish themselves: ‘Timmy, you didn’t do your homework — whip yourself for ten minutes’. It’s perfect!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the education system has gotten a recent boost in spending.

2021-10-28 10:00

Hukd on Fonix Workd 4 Me!

Random Chaos has a developing problem with poor literacy rates among 12-18 year olds, which many parents and teachers blame on the current state of the education system and lack of government funding.

  1. Boot Camp instructor Quasimodo Octavian stated: “Who gives a damn? Makes ‘em easier to turn into brainwashed grunts anyhow! You don’t need to be able to read in order to fire a gun! What we need to do is focus on our military spending - what does it matter if you can read or not when you’re overrun by warmongering barbarians?”
  2. On the other side, there’s Random Chaos’s Education Administrator. “This is shocking news. If the children of tomorrow cannot read, then what? Next thing you know, we will be speaking with contractions! The government must devote more efforts to education! Where will we be twenty years from now with an overflow of unskilled labor?”
  3. Yasmin vandeBerg, principal of a highly-rated private school, prefers a different approach. “Instead of that, why not issue government vouchers so that parents can afford to send their children to privately run schools? We offer a far better education than the public schools. All we do is grind our particular religious views into our students!”
  4. “Who needs some fancy-schmancy cash-draining school system, anyway?” Cortana Collins declares from the front steps of a double-wide mobile home, shotgun in hand. “My Pa raised me and my eight brothers and three sisters without no waste of time schoolin’! My Pa taught me everythin’ I need t’know, let all these whippersnappers’ Mas and Pas teach ‘em what they need t’know!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Average Tax Rates.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, electricity company executives pray nightly to Zeus and Thor.

2021-10-28 03:30

The Worst Storm to Hit Random Chaos Since... Yesterday?

After the eighth terrible super-storm to ravage Random Chaos this week, residents of the affected areas, your own advisers, and random people seeking shelter from the elements have gathered in Random Chaos City to see whether anything can be done.

  1. “I’m tired of these storms, Leader,” sighs Luigi Garak, who looks as though he’s just been dragged through a tornado. “The winds of this last storm were over 300 kph! My house was blown away! Something must be done to prevent buildings from being destroyed. Maybe if the government made it mandatory for all buildings to pass a disaster safety test, it would solve all our problems.” He plucks a bird’s nest from his hair before continuing. “I’d be prepared to pay a little more in tax if I still had a roof to sleep under!”
  2. “Did you see how many times my supposedly lightning-proofed house was struck by lightning this morning?” cries violently twitching government adviser Carrie Harper, still smoking and smelling of ozone. “But when I was struck for the fifth time, I had something of a light bulb moment - literally. Why not create a way to turn the lightning strikes into energy for the city? Think about it for a moment: every time a bolt of lightning hits, we could harness the energy to charge the grid. Of course we’ll need to install a lot of conductors, and I’m not sure just how much electricity is in a lightning bolt, but just think of the possible savings once they’re in place!”
  3. “Forget the wind and lightning, did you see the hail? It’s the size of minivans!” screams Imogen McKay, her voice echoing out from her hiding place beneath your desk. “My house was flattened like a pancake! What we need is some sort of weather machine that can limit the destructive effects of these storms. Sure, it’ll cost trillions of chips in the first year alone and we’ll have to divert funding from all other government departments to pay for it, but we could finally be safe.”
  4. “You’re all panicking, when you should be seeing this for the great opportunity that it is!” suggests the ever cryptic Minister of Creative Solutions, Amber Stark. “We could make Random Chaos the tourist capital of the world relating to bad weather phenomena. All we need is to set up some dangerous storm spots as sightseeing destinations and we could be rich! Maybe the temperature will actually get below -40 degrees soon so we can unveil our ‘Freezing Experience’ tour.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children seem to be getting better at lying these days.

2021-10-27 21:30

The Woman From AUNT

An intelligence team, the “Agents Undercover to Neutralize Troublemakers”, has pinpointed the headquarters of notorious crime boss Sal Bone. Unfortunately, it is concealed within a local orphanage, of which Mr. Bone is a sponsor. Lacking only a smoking gun, AUNT has come to your office with a delicate request.

  1. “AUNT would like to launch a mole operation inside the orphanage,” buzzes Special Agent Lara Walker, radioing in from an undisclosed location. “One problem: none of the team is young enough to pull off an effective inside job. We’ve been kicking around the idea of recruiting and training a few kids — maybe orphans themselves — to act as our eyes and ears. Already got a circus kid named Grayson as a potential candidate. There’s a lot of covert situations where juvenile agents could be useful. If this mission goes well, we could even expand their role into a full-time intelligence division.”
  2. “The team opinion ain’t unanimous!” yells Special Agent Cassidy Cummings, her voice crackling through the receiver. “We don’t need to endanger defenseless children! We just need to teach smaller-sized adult women how to act like kids. With a convincing enough performance, I’m sure they’ll pass as kids in no time!”
  3. “What are these fools waiting for?” bellows Colonel Kowalski, furiously switching off the communication channel. “A 90% certainty is good enough for me. The best thing to do is to stop messing about, and authorize SWAT teams to kick down doors, blast holes in walls, and raid the orphanage, ASAP. Perhaps if we had a little more efficiency, we could cut AUNT’s departmental budget, and channel it into funding actual combat-ready military counter-terrorism units.”
  4. “I represent a group which is... strongly concerned... with the ever-increasing surveillance state within this great nation,” murmurs a Random Chaosian in a dapper black suit, sidling into the room to hand you a freshly-printed business card. “Spying on a private citizen, a benefactor of an orphanage no less, is nothing less than harassment.” He gestures tenderly to a large briefcase sitting next to him. “I’m sure a... satisfactory arrangement can be reached here. You wouldn’t want to frighten some perfectly innocent children, now would you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, businesses are abandoning the city centre because of the lack of transport connections.

2021-10-27 15:30

Market Crash

On a busy Saturday morning, a minicab driver took a shortcut through a crowded market street. After skidding on some banana peels, he lost control and crashed through a dozen fruit and vegetable stalls, narrowly avoiding injuring anyone. Pedestrians are donning full body armor, and Random Chaosians are beginning to accept that reckless driving and speeding in the inner city may be just another fact of life.

  1. “The roads themselves are letting drivers get away with high speeds,” says Elsa Liu, a market stall holder, wiping pulped tomato from her face. “We need traffic calming measures on our city streets: chicanes, speed-bumps, curb extensions, median diverters, and speed cameras. Slow down to save lives!”
  2. “That makes as much sense as putting a spike on steering wheels to get people to drive more carefully!” shouts Eugene Houseman, a junior town planner, heaving a hefty box of documents onto your desk. “According to these studies, by the Ministry of Transport itself, so-called ‘traffic calming’ measures actually increase accidents. Instead, we need to allow high speeds to be safe: that is, remove blind spots, and rebuild the city to allow for wide straight roads. It’s the evidence-based approach.”
  3. “Hmm... actually, can we think more on that steering wheel spike thing?” asks a familiar-looking cyclist with an irate expression, deliberately bashing your shins with his crutches. “You should make it so that all cars must have this, and you’ll end up with more careful motorists, whether it’s by operant conditioning or by natural selection. Now that’s what I call science!”
  4. “Why don’t you just pedestrianise a big chunk of the city centre?” suggests tourist Julius Serling, adjusting his anti-smog facemask. “It’ll make the whole area much prettier, quieter and cleaner, and it’ll let you show off the beauty of the heart of the city.”
  5. “Or better still, why don’t you just take your hands off the steering wheel, and let folk drive as we please?” asks impatient commuter Carlos Phillips, wiping a suspicious red-brown stain off his front fender. “Typical nanny state, trying to tell ME how to drive! Get out of the way, government!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is a law unto itself.

2021-10-27 09:30

Government Saturated in Corruption

The government is rife with embezzlement and fraud as bribes and graft are accepted both blatantly and frequently by politicians and other government officials.

  1. “This is a systematic problem endemic of Random Chaos’s state of life,” says Ranil Davis, the president of a government watchdog organisation. “The other day I asked a police officer the directions to a restaurant and he demanded fifty chips on the spot! Even the road sweepers have to be paid not to dump rubbish in your garden! We need to inflict severe penalties on anyone abusing the system. Maybe the threat of a hanging will teach them to respect the responsibility of their positions.”
  2. “The problem is transparency,” says Yolanda Krustofsky, member of the National Whistleblower Association. “They can do whatever they want because they have absolutely no obligation to provide the public with the details of what they’re doing. We should make all the details of any gifts or money available to the public, and make politicians accountable to the law.”
  3. “It’s really not THAT bad, is it?” asks Daisy Rose, your Minister of Commerce, fiddling with a large gold ring before sliding a thick envelope across on your desk. “Maybe it’s all just a prank. Maybe it will all just... go away?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a small country is wondering where their capitol building's gold dome went.

2021-10-27 03:30

Dial L for Loan

After a recent unfortunate incident involving a foreign casino, a gambling addicted crime lord, and a secret agent that was a bit too confident in his poker playing abilities, the government is currently strapped for cash. Your Finance Minister has reminded you of a swathe of delinquent government loans made to a small nameless nation in your sphere of influence that could be called in to close the budget gap.

  1. “If they can’t pay up, why we’ll get a The Hatrackia tribunal involved!” declares Leroy Kaine, your Finance Minister. “Start by removing their spendthrift leadership, and install a stooge, er... someone who understands the gravity of their international obligations. Next, forcibly privatize some of the most easily monetized state services. Why, I bet some of Random Chaos’s businesses might even be interested in buying them.”
  2. “How soft!” mutters Rosalina Räikkönen, leader of the infamous ‘Loan and Pool Shark’ mercenaries, while menacingly holding a pool cue. “It’s time you went full repo man on these money squanderers and take what’s owed to you. They won’t dare to object to a few of their warships, crown jewels, or national treasures going to the cause.”
  3. “A thousand pardons Leader!” pleads the country’s ambassador, Owen Dett, while kissing your feet. “Although our nation is a mere insignificant speck of dirt compared to the might and majesty of your nation, we implore you to find it within your heart to forgive the debts of us, the most ‘umblest of nations.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's reputation for treachery has left it sidelined on the international stage.

2021-10-26 21:30

Have War Crimes, Will Travel

A small disputed strip of land in your sphere of influence has been in a state of civil war for decades. Random Chaos has been approached by the international community to hold the first round of peace talks. Unfortunately, Colonel Idi Amore, the self-styled revolutionary in charge of the Popular Freedom Fighters with multiple warrants for war crimes against him, will have to be issued a safe conduct pass to attend the talks without fear of arrest.

  1. “The Popular Freedom Fighters are a disgusting group!” yells Malon Norris, a grief-stricken refugee. “They killed my father, razed our village, and ruined my stamp collection! I say you invite their jerk of a leader into Random Chaos, then you have your police arrest the monster! It’s the only way justice can be served.”
  2. “You can’t seriously be considering this!” exclaims overworked diplomat Sean Turnbull. “We’ve been working for years to bring peace to this region. He may have blood on his hands, but so do the other sixteen sides in this war. A sudden power vacuum will just prolong the hostilities! We have a real chance of securing a lasting peace here, surely that’s worth overlooking a couple of mass murders?”
  3. “This really is a bind,” muses your trusted advisor Andreas Claus. “If we arrest him on our soil, we will forever be known as people who breach our safe conduct passes. If we let him go, we will let a wanted war criminal slip through our fingers. The solution is plain: refuse to hold the talks. I’m sure they can figure it out without us looking over their shoulder.”
  4. “We want this warlord gone, but don’t want to look bad because of it,” whispers Agent Cobblepot from behind an oversized potted plant. “Give this individual safe conduct, let him do his thing and if some kind of terrible accident were to befall our dear friend... how could you possibly have known that ceiling beam was going to fall on his head?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military has declared war on all religious influence.

2021-10-26 18:30

Preach With Me if You Want to Live

The military has seen a sharp rise in complaints against chaplains who often pressure soldiers, particularly atheists and those adhering to foreign religions, into converting prior to battle. Military officials and soldiers have come for your guidance as the chaplain issue has brought troop morale to an all time low.

  1. “Of course we need chaplains, for the soldiers’ peace of mind!” pleads long-serving chaplain, fourth Lieutenant Norman Goff while taking a break from trying to convert your staff. “If we give them the comfort and blessings of the Creator, their quality of life, happiness, and motivation will greatly improve. Granted, they may lose focus from all the people trying to convert them, but at least their souls will join the Creator!”
  2. “Oh please. The last thing I need before I die is some loudmouth preacher trying to convert me!” complains pessimistic Private and proud atheist Jamling Moore as he uses your handkerchief to polish his weapon. “All us soldiers would be better off, and more willing to stay alive, without these crazy chaplains telling us how ‘our deaths are meaningless’ or that we’re ‘eternally damned’ if we don’t convert. For the sake of soldiers’ peace and quiet, military chaplains must be banned! Religion has no place in the military.”
  3. “Well, the problem isn’t the presence of religion, it’s that my troops are hearing it in the wrong place,” suggests the devout seventh battalion commander, Captain Brenda Svensson. “We must make the military accommodating to all beliefs in the interest of tolerance and fairness. Sure, you might end up with some oddballs, like that captain in ninth battalion who worships the flying purple meatball monster or people who don’t believe anything at all, but hey, at least our troops can find their own path to spiritual enlightenment.”
2021-10-26 18:00

Preach With Me if You Want to Live

The military has seen a sharp rise in complaints against chaplains who often pressure soldiers, particularly atheists and those adhering to foreign religions, into converting prior to battle. Military officials and soldiers have come for your guidance as the chaplain issue has brought troop morale to an all time low.

  1. “Of course we need chaplains, for the soldiers’ peace of mind!” pleads long-serving chaplain, fourth Lieutenant Norman Goff while taking a break from trying to convert your staff. “If we give them the comfort and blessings of the Creator, their quality of life, happiness, and motivation will greatly improve. Granted, they may lose focus from all the people trying to convert them, but at least their souls will join the Creator!”
  2. “Oh please. The last thing I need before I die is some loudmouth preacher trying to convert me!” complains pessimistic Private and proud atheist Jamling Moore as he uses your handkerchief to polish his weapon. “All us soldiers would be better off, and more willing to stay alive, without these crazy chaplains telling us how ‘our deaths are meaningless’ or that we’re ‘eternally damned’ if we don’t convert. For the sake of soldiers’ peace and quiet, military chaplains must be banned! Religion has no place in the military.”
  3. “Well, the problem isn’t the presence of religion, it’s that my troops are hearing it in the wrong place,” suggests the devout seventh battalion commander, Captain Brenda Svensson. “We must make the military accommodating to all beliefs in the interest of tolerance and fairness. Sure, you might end up with some oddballs, like that captain in ninth battalion who worships the flying purple meatball monster or people who don’t believe anything at all, but hey, at least our troops can find their own path to spiritual enlightenment.”
2021-10-26 17:30

Preach With Me if You Want to Live

The military has seen a sharp rise in complaints against chaplains who often pressure soldiers, particularly atheists and those adhering to foreign religions, into converting prior to battle. Military officials and soldiers have come for your guidance as the chaplain issue has brought troop morale to an all time low.

  1. “Of course we need chaplains, for the soldiers’ peace of mind!” pleads long-serving chaplain, fourth Lieutenant Norman Goff while taking a break from trying to convert your staff. “If we give them the comfort and blessings of the Creator, their quality of life, happiness, and motivation will greatly improve. Granted, they may lose focus from all the people trying to convert them, but at least their souls will join the Creator!”
  2. “Oh please. The last thing I need before I die is some loudmouth preacher trying to convert me!” complains pessimistic Private and proud atheist Jamling Moore as he uses your handkerchief to polish his weapon. “All us soldiers would be better off, and more willing to stay alive, without these crazy chaplains telling us how ‘our deaths are meaningless’ or that we’re ‘eternally damned’ if we don’t convert. For the sake of soldiers’ peace and quiet, military chaplains must be banned! Religion has no place in the military.”
  3. “Well, the problem isn’t the presence of religion, it’s that my troops are hearing it in the wrong place,” suggests the devout seventh battalion commander, Captain Brenda Svensson. “We must make the military accommodating to all beliefs in the interest of tolerance and fairness. Sure, you might end up with some oddballs, like that captain in ninth battalion who worships the flying purple meatball monster or people who don’t believe anything at all, but hey, at least our troops can find their own path to spiritual enlightenment.”
2021-10-26 17:00

Preach With Me if You Want to Live

The military has seen a sharp rise in complaints against chaplains who often pressure soldiers, particularly atheists and those adhering to foreign religions, into converting prior to battle. Military officials and soldiers have come for your guidance as the chaplain issue has brought troop morale to an all time low.

  1. “Of course we need chaplains, for the soldiers’ peace of mind!” pleads long-serving chaplain, fourth Lieutenant Norman Goff while taking a break from trying to convert your staff. “If we give them the comfort and blessings of the Creator, their quality of life, happiness, and motivation will greatly improve. Granted, they may lose focus from all the people trying to convert them, but at least their souls will join the Creator!”
  2. “Oh please. The last thing I need before I die is some loudmouth preacher trying to convert me!” complains pessimistic Private and proud atheist Jamling Moore as he uses your handkerchief to polish his weapon. “All us soldiers would be better off, and more willing to stay alive, without these crazy chaplains telling us how ‘our deaths are meaningless’ or that we’re ‘eternally damned’ if we don’t convert. For the sake of soldiers’ peace and quiet, military chaplains must be banned! Religion has no place in the military.”
  3. “Well, the problem isn’t the presence of religion, it’s that my troops are hearing it in the wrong place,” suggests the devout seventh battalion commander, Captain Brenda Svensson. “We must make the military accommodating to all beliefs in the interest of tolerance and fairness. Sure, you might end up with some oddballs, like that captain in ninth battalion who worships the flying purple meatball monster or people who don’t believe anything at all, but hey, at least our troops can find their own path to spiritual enlightenment.”
2021-10-26 16:30

Preach With Me if You Want to Live

The military has seen a sharp rise in complaints against chaplains who often pressure soldiers, particularly atheists and those adhering to foreign religions, into converting prior to battle. Military officials and soldiers have come for your guidance as the chaplain issue has brought troop morale to an all time low.

  1. “Of course we need chaplains, for the soldiers’ peace of mind!” pleads long-serving chaplain, fourth Lieutenant Norman Goff while taking a break from trying to convert your staff. “If we give them the comfort and blessings of the Creator, their quality of life, happiness, and motivation will greatly improve. Granted, they may lose focus from all the people trying to convert them, but at least their souls will join the Creator!”
  2. “Oh please. The last thing I need before I die is some loudmouth preacher trying to convert me!” complains pessimistic Private and proud atheist Jamling Moore as he uses your handkerchief to polish his weapon. “All us soldiers would be better off, and more willing to stay alive, without these crazy chaplains telling us how ‘our deaths are meaningless’ or that we’re ‘eternally damned’ if we don’t convert. For the sake of soldiers’ peace and quiet, military chaplains must be banned! Religion has no place in the military.”
  3. “Well, the problem isn’t the presence of religion, it’s that my troops are hearing it in the wrong place,” suggests the devout seventh battalion commander, Captain Brenda Svensson. “We must make the military accommodating to all beliefs in the interest of tolerance and fairness. Sure, you might end up with some oddballs, like that captain in ninth battalion who worships the flying purple meatball monster or people who don’t believe anything at all, but hey, at least our troops can find their own path to spiritual enlightenment.”
2021-10-26 16:00

Preach With Me if You Want to Live

The military has seen a sharp rise in complaints against chaplains who often pressure soldiers, particularly atheists and those adhering to foreign religions, into converting prior to battle. Military officials and soldiers have come for your guidance as the chaplain issue has brought troop morale to an all time low.

  1. “Of course we need chaplains, for the soldiers’ peace of mind!” pleads long-serving chaplain, fourth Lieutenant Norman Goff while taking a break from trying to convert your staff. “If we give them the comfort and blessings of the Creator, their quality of life, happiness, and motivation will greatly improve. Granted, they may lose focus from all the people trying to convert them, but at least their souls will join the Creator!”
  2. “Oh please. The last thing I need before I die is some loudmouth preacher trying to convert me!” complains pessimistic Private and proud atheist Jamling Moore as he uses your handkerchief to polish his weapon. “All us soldiers would be better off, and more willing to stay alive, without these crazy chaplains telling us how ‘our deaths are meaningless’ or that we’re ‘eternally damned’ if we don’t convert. For the sake of soldiers’ peace and quiet, military chaplains must be banned! Religion has no place in the military.”
  3. “Well, the problem isn’t the presence of religion, it’s that my troops are hearing it in the wrong place,” suggests the devout seventh battalion commander, Captain Brenda Svensson. “We must make the military accommodating to all beliefs in the interest of tolerance and fairness. Sure, you might end up with some oddballs, like that captain in ninth battalion who worships the flying purple meatball monster or people who don’t believe anything at all, but hey, at least our troops can find their own path to spiritual enlightenment.”
2021-10-26 15:30

Preach With Me if You Want to Live

The military has seen a sharp rise in complaints against chaplains who often pressure soldiers, particularly atheists and those adhering to foreign religions, into converting prior to battle. Military officials and soldiers have come for your guidance as the chaplain issue has brought troop morale to an all time low.

  1. “Of course we need chaplains, for the soldiers’ peace of mind!” pleads long-serving chaplain, fourth Lieutenant Norman Goff while taking a break from trying to convert your staff. “If we give them the comfort and blessings of the Creator, their quality of life, happiness, and motivation will greatly improve. Granted, they may lose focus from all the people trying to convert them, but at least their souls will join the Creator!”
  2. “Oh please. The last thing I need before I die is some loudmouth preacher trying to convert me!” complains pessimistic Private and proud atheist Jamling Moore as he uses your handkerchief to polish his weapon. “All us soldiers would be better off, and more willing to stay alive, without these crazy chaplains telling us how ‘our deaths are meaningless’ or that we’re ‘eternally damned’ if we don’t convert. For the sake of soldiers’ peace and quiet, military chaplains must be banned! Religion has no place in the military.”
  3. “Well, the problem isn’t the presence of religion, it’s that my troops are hearing it in the wrong place,” suggests the devout seventh battalion commander, Captain Brenda Svensson. “We must make the military accommodating to all beliefs in the interest of tolerance and fairness. Sure, you might end up with some oddballs, like that captain in ninth battalion who worships the flying purple meatball monster or people who don’t believe anything at all, but hey, at least our troops can find their own path to spiritual enlightenment.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fireworks and other big bangs are forbidden during the newest public holiday.

2021-10-26 10:30

Give Us a Break, Leader

A recent opinion survey carried out by the Leader Fan Club has suggested that you are the most beloved and accomplished head of state in the history of Random Chaos. They’re suggesting that to celebrate this good news, a brand new public holiday would put the hoi polloi in even greater admiration of your glorious leadership.

  1. “Patriots Day!” exclaims Naki Khachaturian, an excitable junior civil servant who carries a picture of you in her wallet, and is always trying to get you to notice her. “The national anthem would be played all day long on TV and radio. There’d be carnivals in the streets showcasing our traditional clothes, dance, music and food. It will be fun for the kids too, as they can decorate their bicycles in the national colours of Random Chaos and win prizes for the best decorations. And looking over the festivities, a sixty-foot tall portrait of you, our most beloved leader!”
  2. “A celebration isn’t a bad idea, but you’re looking at it from the wrong perspective,” offers Army General and author of the book Why Leader Is Our Greatest Strategic Asset, Tyrion Riker. “An Armed Forces Day is what we need. Can you picture it now? A million armed men and women marching in perfect unison through the streets of Random Chaos City, eyes right as they turn heads to salute you. Then, battalions of our newest armoured vehicles, followed by the best part: our biggest missiles on trailers. What a sight to behold! And all the civilians can be forced to be spectators; they wouldn’t dare oppose that considering all the guns on show!”
  3. “Public holidays have traditionally been of a religious nature,” intones Burl Zahm, Professor of Religious Studies at the University of Random Chaos City. “Why don’t we celebrate the holy moment of the creation of the world? Regardless of our faith, we can all agree that it is irrefutable that the hand of the divine was what set the universe in motion. Universe Creation Day is the holiday Random Chaos needs.”
  4. Guinan Farnsworth, the top undertaker in Random Chaos, has the final say. “I haven’t had a day off for twenty-five years. I don’t need a day off, and all these work-shy layabouts shouldn’t have one either. Leader, we don’t need another public holiday. In fact, we don’t need any public holidays. Get rid of them all; it will be good for the economy.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Devout and Most Avoided.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's considered a valid legal defence to say "a demon made me do it".

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

2021-10-26 03:30

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

After twelve years of detective work, notorious serial killer Barbie Lecter has finally been apprehended by the authorities. During questioning, it became apparent that she had already guiltily confessed her crimes in great detail ten years ago, but only to a local priest. He not only forgave her, but chose to keep the confession secret. Now the police have arrested the clergyman, claiming ten years of police work and five more murders were at least partly the result of this silence.

  1. “The confessional seal and the absolute duty of non-disclosure are core tenets of our beliefs,” explains cleric Pablo Harrison, from his police cell. “Our holy texts command that we offer forgiveness to the truly repentant. At that time, the woman was incredibly shaken by the crimes she had committed. I make no apologies for acting as I did. Secular law enforcement is your concern, while my concern is the immortal souls of all mankind. Let’s keep the two separate, shall we?”
  2. “The guilty will say anything to save their skin,” growls police officer Mia Octavian, who always plays the ‘bad cop’ during interrogations. “In all honesty, I don’t give a flying gambler turd what this crackpot’s religion tells him. He is an accessory to murder, and because he didn’t call the police like a responsible citizen, five young victims are dead! Religion doesn’t entitle you to break the law. As long as you live in Random Chaos, you abide by OUR laws, not your phoney-baloney god’s.”
  3. “Holy laws do indeed transcend the puny rules of the mundane!” declares the elderly former leader of The Flying Suns UFO cult, emerging from his underground bunker for the first time in decades. “Laws of faith come straight from infallible divinity, not from weak and fallible Man! All religions understand this truth, no matter who they worship, so all religions must have the right to put their holy beliefs ahead of mortal law. If you do not heed this warning, you will all perish in a fiery hell-storm when the Ancient Discs of Mu return from beyond the stars!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's usual for grandparents to stay in the family home with their descendants but younger children are often frightened of them.

2021-10-25 21:30

A Petty Issue

Your cousin’s adored pet gambler has died.

  1. “It would mean the world to me to have my loss properly recognised,” sobs your cousin, dabbing tears away with a gold-embroidered handkerchief. “My poor little baby deserves a state funeral. Imagine... people crying in the streets, a band playing funeral dirges on golden tubas, and my dearest little Kitty McFluff immortalised in a memorial forever... you’d do it for your own pets, wouldn’t you?”
  2. “Y’know how many people this could feed?” asks roadkill-chef Britney Cage, sniffing at the carcass, and licking her lips. “And y’know how many people you’re takin’ cash away from with a big state funeral? Burying a gambler is a waste of good meat, and a waste of money. Y’should buy up all the dead pets, butcher them for meat, and donate the food to the poor and homeless.”
  3. “No need to bury the wee beastie!” yells eccentric special effects expert Kareem Hester. “I’ve been playing around a lot with taxidermy and animatronics, and I reckon if we fix up damage to the bodywork, apply some preservatives to stop the rot, install some motors and simple AI subroutines, and the little critter will be good as new! Also, why stop with pets? You miss your grandma, right? Let my company work its magic, and look who’s back!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Instigator" to "Dealmaker".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, women who can do math in their head are burned for witchcraft.

2021-10-25 15:30

Any Witch Way Spells Disaster

In remote villages of Western Random Chaos, mobs of angry villagers have taken to lynching women accused of witchcraft. Concerned citizens have come to you for answers.

  1. “Well, someone had to do it!” yelps self-appointed head of one of the border town’s lynch mobs, Edward Salem. “That lady was commitin’ witcheries left and right, turned my nephew into a newt she did! I mean... he got better, but that’s besides the point! The gov’ment needs to let us protect ourselves and rid our peace lovin’ towns of these foul she-devils!”
  2. “No no, that won’t work,” says a tall, dark-haired mysterious stranger walking into your office with a gust of wind stirring his long duster coat and hat. He throws a crossbow onto your desk before continuing, “These simple folk do not have the honed skills to hunt witches or any other devil of the night for that matter. But I am a monster hunter. If you set up a sanctioned guild, then we can properly hunt these necromancers.”
  3. “We’d appreciate it if you would all kindly mind your own business,” chastises Hermione Potter, who is dressed in a long black robe and pointed hat. “Our traditions are centuries old, and it is about time the government stepped in and protected us. You’d do well to build us a proper school away from these barbar— oh honestly Ronald, give me that,” she takes a carved wand from a young red-headed boy, “it’s Lo-go-phil-ia Levi-o-sa, make the ‘phil’ nice and long.”
  4. “Where shall I begin?” coolly starts the head of the local planetarium, Dr. Carl deLawne Dyson. “These people, these simple farmers, they are taking what they don’t understand and they are calling it witchery. This sort of unsubstantiated ignorance must be stamped out. There is no such thing as witches, plain and simple. We need to start working towards a future free from these backwards superstitions at whatever cost.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are allowed to rise or fall based on their own merits.

2021-10-25 09:30

Should the Government Grant Estates and Titles of Nobility?

A peculiar confederacy of small-government advocates, regular attendees at Random Chaos’s annual Medieval Faire, and the super rich have demanded that the government grant estates and confer titles of nobility upon certain influential persons.

  1. “I humbly submit myself for Duke of Random Chaos City,” says multi-billionaire Kyidawa Harris. “Not only would it be an apt reward for my contributions to Random Chaos, but the citizens who become landed serfs on my estate would work harder than they ever have in all their lives.” Adds small-government advocate Fatima Obama, “Government would at last return to the local level, close to the people and the land to which they would be bound for life.”
  2. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this,” exclaims noted civil rights advocate Kurt vandeBerg. “Those who are behind this espouse a system that grants inordinate amounts of institutional power to the rich and ensures that no one will be able to climb the social ladder. Everyone in society must be granted an equal opportunity to succeed or fail. Say ‘no’ to a nobility!”
  3. “I think both of the other parties are taking this issue to the extreme,” argues a learned elderly gentleman resting on a park bench. “All that’s being advocated is giving those who have contributed to their nation a ceremonial title and a bit of land. Besides,” he adds, “the government can tax their estate.”
  4. “A good day to thee, milord,” counters Rebecca Collins, an amateur Medieval Faire actor dressed in period costume, “I would suggest that thou hasten thyself to spectate at the jousting competition this forenoon. Aye, quite a bout we have arrayed for thee this day. However, the whole affair could be much grander if only we received a few more gold crownes from the government. Aye, ‘twould be a grand tourney of knightly skill and courage indeed!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, veterans' meet-ups involve a lot of tail sniffing.

2021-10-25 03:30

Give a Gambler a Bone

As you stoop to pin a Violet Heart on the chest of a wheelchair-bound war veteran, he tugs the leash of his ex-army attack gambler, and demands your attention.

  1. “It’s about time we recognised the sacrifice animals have made for Random Chaos,” he grumbles. “Why, Lassie here took out six insurgents by herself, disarmed a nuclear device, and entertained the troops with cartwheels and backflips. She deserves a medal and medical care as much as any of us!”
  2. “How interesting...” muses recruiting sergeant Aragorn Roberts while examining the set of gnashers on Lassie. “If one gambler can do all that, imagine what an army full of them could achieve? And no more injured soldiers to bother the press — as the saying goes, don’t look a gift gambler in the mouth. Rather than waste money on old war-dogs that are too aged to fight, we should be funding more front line fighters. That can go for the humans too.” He sneers disdainfully at the veteran in the wheelchair.
  3. “Haven’t you seen Dawn of the Rise of the Planet of the Gamblers?” cautions a sceptical aide, prodding the hindquarters of Lassie. “I don’t think we want an army full of gamblers, but there’s certainly food for thought here. Let them serve alongside soldiers, and when they’ve done their duty, they can serve us on one final occasion: dinner time!”
  4. “Gamblers do enough for us already; they shouldn’t be in our military,” pleads Timmy Zimmer from the accompanying media pack. “Can’t we leave them in peace to do as nature intended? Rescuing children from abandoned mineshafts, throwing ropes to children on runaway rafts rapidly approaching waterfalls, and fronting up popular TV franchises. That sort of thing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the backs of 'No Trespassing' signs were made for you and me.

2021-10-24 21:30

Acres Wild

Upon the planned completion of their vacation estate in northern Random Chaos, a Random Chaosian billionaire has additionally, and unexpectedly, purchased the vast bulk of a large forest adjacent to their property for the sole purpose of stocking and hunting gamblers.

  1. “Nobody should have a right to that much land!” shouts Roman Johannsen, the mayor of Gambler Grove. “That forest has sustained this town for years! Tradespeople responsibly take lumber, families near and far hike the trails, and there’s a thriving birdwatching industry. All these people depend on the land and this charlatan just suddenly squats on it! What a waste. Not only should this particular forest be returned to us, Random Chaos needs to conduct a thorough review of these land holdings and reverse this practice of theft once and for all.”
  2. “What poppycock! I have grand plans for this forest!” exclaims the shocked billionaire who can be seen wearing a wide-brimmed sunhat. “I’m planning on fashioning my own private hunting forest. There are some remarkably rare animals here that would look simply lovely on my wall. That said, while I may be inclined to hunt, our country’s finer citizens might wish to augment their holdings instead. Only the wealthiest have the presence of mind to academically appreciate the gifts of Mother Nature. If you encourage them to commit to further woodland area purchases, Random Chaos will surely see a diversity of forest management techniques.”
  3. “What incredible selfishness!” protests Al Quimby, a conservationist. “Who do these people think they are? It’s neither the town nor the rich snob’s forest! Nobody should own it! Both groups have visions of exploitation borne out of their own self-centeredness. The government must protect all public land from these hearts of greed and from those monsters who would use that land to hunt innocent animals for sport.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens who leave the country are officially classed as traitors.

2021-10-24 16:00

Expats Plea for Help in War-Torn Country

Thousands of migrant citizens and expatriated citizens of Random Chaos have asked the government to take them home from Marche Noire, a faraway country on the brink of a terrible and violent civil war.

  1. “We must co-ordinate with the government of Marche Noire in order to secure our absentee workers—ahem—citizens who are in their country,” says Abdullah Bronte, your Minister of Foreign Affairs. “We must also create an emergency fund to assist our expats and help bring them back to Random Chaos. No matter where any of our people are, they’re still ours and our responsibility.”
  2. “That’s rubbish,” objects Darya Haskell, your Minister of Finance. “Why waste hundreds of thousands of chips in bringing those expatriated citizens back to Random Chaos? They chose to leave our great country; they are no longer our concern! They could have stayed here and been an asset to our workforce! Helped us grow strong! No, they’ve had their chance. You reap what you sow. We should cut any financial assistance we give to those traitors.”
  3. “That’s a good point,” says Jamie Ono, your Minister of Civics. “Our people are the generators of the economy. The expats should be allowed to come back but only if they stay. If we keep letting our citizens emigrate, then we’re losing our doctors, our teachers, our skilled and unskilled workforce to damn foreigners! Close the borders to those wanting to leave our nation. If they can’t see how wonderful Random Chaos is, then we’ll make them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, traffic jams are a common sight due to construction work from a massive overhaul of the nation's freeways.

2021-10-24 09:30

Road Rage Rampage

Due to the ever-increasing traffic on Random Chaosian highways, commuter tempers are flaring, leading to an increase in road rage related accidents. A recent case in which a very impatient driver attacked and seriously injured a slow driver has brought the subject rapidly to the highest levels of the government.

  1. “The problem is that our highway system is sorely in need of an overhaul,” claims social commentator Yui Richards. “Random Chaos’s highways were constructed with a far smaller number of cars in mind, and we’ve exceeded that traffic load by a substantial amount, resulting in traffic jams. Traffic jams lead to impatience, impatience leads to anger, anger leads to road rage, and road rage leads to violence. We need to expand the freeway system by adding more lanes to relieve the traffic congestion.”
  2. “You add new lanes, even MORE people will drive, putting us right back at square one!” counters Danni Yew of Random Chaos’s public transportation committee. “Instead of throwing tons of money at a short-term solution, why not spend it on improving bus and rail service and encouraging carpooling? Oh, and get more highway patrol officers to crack down on these violent drivers who pose safety threats to the rest of us.”
  3. “*BLEEP!* that *BLEEP!*” Catherine Gratwick yells at the top of her lungs from the window of her very large pickup truck with a gun rack mounted in the rear window. “The government should just *BLEEP!*ing stay out of our daily *BLEEP!*ing drive! They ought to let us *BLEEP!*ing rushed businesspeople go about our daily *BLEEP!*ing business, no matter what *BLEEP!*ing measures we have to take to get to *BLEEP!*ing work on time!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Avoided.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people who have had childhood imaginary friends are told they can't ever be trusted with guns.

2021-10-24 03:30

I Shot the Sheriff

Recently, the Sheriff of Gambler County was shot dead, seemingly without any motive. Further investigation revealed that the shooter had legally purchased a gun two days before, but had a history of severe mental illness, psychotic breaks, and paranoid delusions. Now, the process of purchasing firearms is being questioned.

  1. The shooter, James Cobblepot, swears that the killing was in self-defense, and strokes his teddy bear. “Me and Mr. Higgins here felt threatened by the police officer, so we had to defend ourselves somehow! You take away my firearms, and you’re taking away my safety! You start telling me I can’t have a gun because you don’t trust me, and BOOM, it’s slippery slope, all the way down to absolute tyranny!” He reaches for his sidearm to shoot you down, then remembers he has been disarmed. “Oh dear, Mr. Higgins, they’re eroding our liberties. You’re right, Mr. Higgins, that’s not good at all...”
  2. “Safety? You’re worried about your safety around the police?” asks Gambler County Deputy Sheriff Birgitta Kaine. “We’re the police force, for goodness sake! We protect the people! There I was, observing the town, waiting for a report and enjoying a bagel, then this madman shoots the sheriff dead and takes a pot shot at me too! Look, nobody is saying that people shouldn’t be allowed guns, but isn’t it reasonable to require a background check, a review of medical records, and a gun licensing system?”
  3. Gregg Räikkönen, local mall-goer and spoiled teen, offers a different solution. “Why don’t we just make a law that guns, have to be, like, really expensive? It’s not like those crazies are going to have a good job or anything. That way, only people who, like, are responsible members of society can get a gun.”
  4. Lucina Wright, editor of Socialist Random Chaos Magazine blows a raspberry at that idea. “What kind of nonsense is that? Letting the rich have all the power over the poor? I say that only the government is responsible enough to have access to firearms! That way, we can end capitalism and... wait, sorry, wrong proposal... I mean, we can end gun crime and make a safer nation!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all children's clothes come in only cream and off-white to prevent offense.

2021-10-23 21:30

It’s a Girl Thing

A commercial for a new childrenswear boutique has been unveiled, sparking debate over gender stereotypes in advertising. It features a young girl ballet-dancing in a rose-pink bedroom, holding a baby-pink toy unicorn and a fluffy cameo-pink magic wand, while wearing matching cotton-candy pink dancing shoes, a tiara and flounced pink tutu.

  1. “This is explicit sexism for all ages!” cries feminist Kendall Hendrikson, while graffiti-tagging an advert that depicts a woman cheerily vacuuming as her family unwraps their Maxxmas presents. “Don’t you see that such stereotypes are harmful to everyone, that you’re telling all girls that the only thing they’re good for is being beautiful? We’ve got six-year-old girls who only want to grow up to be pretty. How’s that helping to encourage them to be productive citizens? Eliminate ads that perpetuate the lie of gender-specific roles. Allow everyone to grow up as the wonderful, unique individuals they are!”
  2. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” groans Man’s World Inc. CEO Björn Parkarvarkar, who’s writing copy for his company, the advert for which features a man in a garish shirt being served coffee by a bevy of kneeling maidens. “We use stereotypes because they’re what customers want! Girls like pink and enjoy playing house; boys like guns and cars. It’s basic biology, nature not nurture, as countless biopsychology experiments with chimps have shown. Advertisers shouldn’t be censored, and normal people who are happy for little girls to be little girls will shop away, happy as clams.”
  3. “The impact of ads can be used to our advantage,” states your Minister of Niceness Jared vonBismarck, tutting disapprovingly at Ms. Hendrikson, who is still writing anatomical suggestions of where you might stick the vacuum. “Pay financial incentives to advertisers who depict Random Chaosians in stereotype-shattering roles, so society will become more open-minded. Imagine: women playing exhausting sports, toasting friends in a coffee shop, wiring a plug, administering a company, even growing a beard. And men, too long derided as incompetent homemakers, unafraid to nurture a baby in public, tend a sick parent, or cook a meal. Break antiquated gender roles and protect your citizens’ freedom!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wilderness-dwelling hermits are surprised to find railway stations on their front doorsteps.

2021-10-23 15:30

Stop Training and Start Coaching

A feasibility study into railway lines in the boondocks of Random Chaos has suggested that they are economically unsustainable. It is reported that some lines are running trains with less than one passenger per carriage on average. The committee behind the study has suggested that these lines be shut down, and replaced with coach services.

  1. “This is an unfortunate situation, but it isn’t in the public’s interest to maintain every single line when a coach service would do just as well,” observes Vera Hadfield, Chair of the Feasibility Committee, and coincidentally also director of the largest coach factory in the country. “While buses may offer somewhat slower travel, they can offer more tailored and direct routes for small towns with small populations. They’re also cheap and require far less maintenance.”
  2. “Stupid, bloody townies!” screams Chastity Nimoy, a disgruntled long-term resident of an isolated mountain village. “We need good and sturdy transport to get anywhere safely and comfortably, and to maintain trade and supply links with the rest of the country. The rail might not make a direct profit, but it stimulates the wider economy. The government should pay for rail connections to every place that has someone living in it. Plus, have you ever been on a long distance bus? That many folk in a small enclosed space for that many hours... well, let’s just say travel sickness isn’t the only reason passengers feel nauseous.”
  3. “I don’t see why rural people need public transport at all,” protests Herb Trevelyan, a city dweller holding a ‘Taxation is Theft’ placard. “If they choose to live in isolation, then they should deal with the consequences. It’s not like in the city, where commuter trains are standing room only. Not only should you cut government spending on public transport to rural communities, you should reinvest it in city centre infrastructure.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an increasing number of citizens believe the world is flat.

2021-10-23 09:30

Rocky Road

Nearly two dozen sightseers were injured yesterday in a rockfall. Their tour bus, which had been travelling through a scenic mountainous region in northern Random Chaos, was struck by a large boulder as it tumbled down a steep slope. The accident has resulted in calls to protect roadways in areas prone to rockfalls.

  1. “I just wanted to see the sights. Instead I got slammed by clastic sedimentary rocks!” exclaims rockfall survivor and geologist Hiawatha Fox, cuts and bruises visible on his extremities. “After the accident, the first thing I did was get down on my hands and knees and thank my lucky stars. The next thing I did was wonder how Random Chaos could even allow something like this to occur! Motorists shouldn’t have to worry about conglomerates crashing into them! Protective roadside barriers and fences should be erected in areas where rockfalls are common.”
  2. “It was a tragedy, for sure, yet another example why safety should never be taken for granite,” states environmentalist Matilda McClaine. “Constructing roadside barriers and fences just isn’t worth it, and not only because they’d break the bank. In doing their duty, they’d also mar some of the most beautiful roadside views in Random Chaos and disrupt local wildlife. Of course, people’s safety is important, so posting warning signs along the roadside is an appropriate measure to take. If a driver can’t spot a huge boulder coming at them, then maybe they shouldn’t be allowed on the roads in the first place.”
  3. “They say it takes millions of years for mountainous regions to form,” explains Stanislav Sorin, CEO of one of the largest mining companies in Random Chaos. “If you allow us to perform mountaintop removal mining, rockfalls and the ugly, eroding mountains and cliffs responsible for causing them will be a thing of the past. Drivers will have peace of mind, certain that they will reach their destination in one piece. All the while, the economy will benefit from the minerals extracted from the excavation sites! I mean, talk about killing two birds with one stone!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian companies generally just fire employees in lieu of giving them vacation.

2021-10-23 04:30

Jobless Fair

After a much-touted job fair in Random Chaos City resulted in only two hires, the discouraged and desperate unemployed are calling for the government to step in and make job fairs more effective.

  1. “This can’t go on!” wails one forlorn job-seeker, wearing a t-shirt with her entire resume printed on it. “I’ve been to twenty-three job fairs and I haven’t gotten a single interview! There’s too much hiring through back-channel networks, like being hired just for happening to be the CEO’s cousin. Companies should be placed under a mandate to blind hire only through career fairs, with government oversight to ensure that only the most qualified applicants are being hired.”
  2. “Yeah, regulations always help businesses grow,” says Agnieszka Skywalker, CEO of Widgets Inc, her voice ripe with sarcasm. “If you want businesses to hire more people at job fairs, the government needs to relax regulations surrounding hiring and firing employees. And how about a few thousand chips tax break for each job applicant companies hire at the fairs? I promise, it’ll jump start the economy and pay for itself.”
  3. “It is obvious relying on the private sector to create jobs has failed!” wails your top Employment Minister, who also happens to be your cousin. “A well-planned state economy would fix all of this. Just think of the efficiency of it, we could simply assign people jobs, and imagine the comfort Random Chaosians would have if they knew they were assured a job before they even finished school? We could even tailor people’s education to improve their productivity at their future careers!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, religion is strictly forbidden within school grounds.

2021-10-22 21:30

Prayer in Public Schools?

In order to save the souls of Random Chaos’s children from eternal damnation, it has been suggested that a daily prayer be made mandatory in schools nationwide.

  1. “Kids are such punks these days,” grumbles Father Haakon Howard, a local minister. “By making sure kids pray to their god at least once a day we instill the religious values that are integral to Random Chaos. It’ll make them better, humbler people.”
  2. “Hey now, if there’s going to be compulsory school prayer then there ought to be an opt-out system,” says Yasuyuki Perkins, a concerned parent. “I don’t want my boy to be a part of this collective worship nonsense.”
  3. “I agree that we shouldn’t force them to pray,” says Cornelius Watts, a teacher. “Such difficult concepts shouldn’t be thrust upon such impressionable minds. But instead of a praying session, these children should be taught about religion in an educative way. School’s supposed to be about learning, not brainwashing.”
  4. “That’s a lily-livered compromise,” says Ivanka Day, chairperson of the Atheist Activist Association. “Religion should have no place in our schools. We should pass laws enforcing secularity on all educational establishments.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the first test of a good kindergartener is the quality of the sponge-baths they give.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2021-10-22 15:30

Introducing Altengarten?

Last month, a prestigious Random Chaosian retirement home had a novel idea: combining aged care and kindergarten. The idea was well-received by geriatricians and geriatrics alike, and now participants are proposing the model be adopted across the care sector.

  1. “It wasn’t just a frivolous idea,” states trainee care home manager Hugh Summers. “We attempted a trial run and monitored the subjects closely throughout. Every one of the elderly participants showed significant improvement in physical ability, mental health, and overall well-being. And the children learned valuable life lessons! Please Leader, implement this model of care across Random Chaos.”
  2. “Sure, the trials showed promise...” begins Melania Campbell, your Minister for Science. “But only one ‘class’ of children took part, and a mere 20 seniors! How in Violet’s name that’s considered a scientific trial is beyond me. Expensive policy proposals need rigorous trials and extensive research before being implemented wide-scale. If the effects are as beneficial as its proponents claim, surely it bears further study?”
  3. “You have got to be kidding!” replies kindergarten teacher Harold Weissenegger. “If you think my precious little kiddos are better off in a musty old folks’ home, you’re insane. No-one knows anything about what old Glynis or Ernest are like with children, and these kids won’t be the experiment to find out! Youngsters belong in the classroom with structured, disciplined teaching — old people’s homes should be for old people only.”
  4. “Yesterday, I had to change four patients in the space of half an hour,” interjects Sven Holst, an overworked carer from Random Chaos City Lakes. “And you want me to supervise children too? Nope. If you’re going to put youngsters in retirement homes, they’ll need to pull their weight. They can do all the dirty work, like changing soiled bed linen, while us qualified carers do the proper stuff! Maybe then I can finally catch a break.” He breathes an audible sigh of relief.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaosian Arts Council pays teenagers to sit through opera performances.

2021-10-22 09:30

The Show Must Go On

Fewer and fewer people attend the Random Chaos City Opera House, largely because the younger generation and the common man consider the shows archaic and boring. The once packed auditorium now struggles to fill seats, and it is nowhere near turning a profit. Without help, the Random Chaos City Opera House is likely to close its doors.

  1. “Empty spaces, what are we living for? Abandoned places, I guess we know the score,” melodramatically declares singer-songwriter Teddie Hercules. “If Random Chaos loses opera, then we lose the very soul of our culture. Some things are bigger than money, and I’m not just talking about the leading tenor’s waistline. I insist that we establish a Random Chaosian Arts Council to fund the opera and ensure that talented mezzos and baritones can survive, no matter the cost. The show must go on, go on...”
  2. “No problem, I can Handel the funding for you,” suggests TV-producer Aldo Svensson, while spreading out before you possible contracts for various TV programs. “Here are ideas for live elimination shows, dating shows, and celebrity-studded musicals to take place in that lovely building downtown. I’ve got a vision of big money, big drama, big entertainment, big merchandise, and big ratings: I call it Bopera. It’s a big yes from me. Give my venture cultural-exemption tax status, and I’ll keep the opera house’s doors open.”
  3. “Waste of good land,” succinctly concludes property developer Dorothy Carr. “This is prime city centre real estate that could be upscale housing and a parking lot. I mean, what would you rather do: sit through six hours of fat people in ridiculous viking helmets singing in a language you don’t understand, or cut time off your commute to work?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the diplomatic corps tends to open negotiations by insulting all the foreigners in the room.

2021-10-22 03:30

The Cake Is a Lie

In recent weeks, a neighbouring nation in The Hatrackia released a controversial and gory movie about Random Chaos, entitled The Baker Of Random Chaos. The movie, which follows the horrifying journey of a hapless ex-baker into the criminal underworld of Random Chaos City, seems to imply that Random Chaos is a dystopian hellhole filled with violent crime. Unsurprisingly your citizenry is offended.

  1. “This movie makes us look like lawless bloodthirsty savages... and they claimed we eat Random Chaos City Cakes all year round, when everybody knows that we like Random Chaos City Scones these days!” complains scowling patriot Marshall Kim J. Unn, dousing a stack of movie promotional posters in kerosene, tossing the offending nation’s flag onto the pile, and lighting a match. “Not only should we ban this evil slanderous movie, we should also demand an apology! Deploy tanks along their border, and warn them to withdraw the film, or face the consequences.”
  2. “Woah, like chill out dude, get a sense of humour,” says satirist Sacha Sagdiyev, lighting a spliff from the bonfire. “These people just don’t know what it is actually like to live here. So, why don’t we show them? Get some tourists in, get them high on magic mushroom muffins, flood them with love. Getting angry never solved anything, man.”
  3. “Lies and videotape, eh?” muses Lenny Groovesteel, your Propaganda Minister, reading a psychology article on The Triumph Of The Will. “Two can play at that game. We should direct our own movie directors to churn out some counter-information, singing our nation’s praises and fabricating something nasty about theirs. Have you heard people talking about the disgusting Dog-Hair Muffins they bake? No? We will fix that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, relatives of recent award winners find their trophies make stylish urns.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

2021-10-21 21:30

Have Your Cake and Don’t Eat It

Liara Galavan, a young dancer, recently collapsed with the complications of what was revealed to be anorexia nervosa while dancing in the small, televised role of ‘Girl Waiting for Pater Maxxmas’. National attention has now been drawn to the growing prevalence of eating disorders and related hospitalizations in Random Chaos, especially among the dance community.

  1. “Here’s some food for thought,” says psychologist Des Carter, handing you a copy of his new book Cogeato Ergo Sum: I Eat, Therefore I Am. “Eating disorders are growing year on year, in both male and female Random Chaosians. They may be the result of low self-esteem, body dysmorphia, or can be comorbid with other psychological disorders. Due to the high morbidity, it is vital that you subsidize psychiatric in-patient treatment and prevent future eating disorders by encouraging citizens to attend government funded therapy. Now, why don’t you lie down on this couch and tell me how you feel...”
  2. “Wake up and smell the coffee!” cries Honey Galavan, mother of the collapsed teenager. “The true cause of these eating disorders is all the pressure in today’s hypercompetitive, ultra-connected world. Every member of the Random Chaos City Ballet corps de ballet has a teeny-tiny waist and skinny legs, and it’s ridiculous! My poor child felt she’d never be pretty unless she was severely underweight. Sponsor media promotions of more healthy body proportions, and ban anyone who’s simply too thin from working in sport, dance, or any role where they can be seen by vulnerable youngsters!”
  3. “Please, dar-link, this ‘healthy figure’ is so last season,” scoffs cadaverous fashion magazine editor Karla Field, covering the downy hair on her emaciated arms with her plum suit’s sleeves. “Only flabby mummies who stuff their faces with fatty snack-foods object to skinny women, because they feel inferior knowing their own beautiful bones were swallowed by layers of flesh. That’s not our problem. Women who eschew the ravages of food should be praised, not labelled mentally ill. My magazine will even fund a contest to crown Miss Mosquito — the thinnest, most dietetically controlled woman in Random Chaos — and provide you with something to replace that monstrosity you’re currently wearing. How about it?”
  4. “The obvious solution to eating disorders is to ensure every Random Chaosian gets the right calories and nutrients,” interjects your Minister of Health, Lettuce McGuffin. “And how? With a simple law requiring that every citizen eats healthily and to the exact amount required, enforced by monitoring eyes in kitchens, regulated mealtimes, government distributed shopping lists and recipes and ‘clean plate monitors’ to help everybody finish their din-dins... even if they don’t want to. As the icing on the cake, this would also allow us to prevent people from becoming overweight. Of course, it’ll require a lot of oversight, and control of the national food supply, but my department can handle it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is famous for having one of the world's largest gambler hunting institutions.

2021-10-21 15:30

Gambler Hunting Laws Under Dispute

The fierce debate on gambler hunting in Random Chaos has been brought to your attention after vociferous supporters of both sides of the argument stormed your parliament.

  1. “Gambler hunting is a cruel and horrible ‘sport’ for the wealthy,” says Kimberly Calder of the ‘Protect Anything Cute and Furry Society’. “How can you possibly justify it? Oh, they witter on about ‘tradition’ and ‘pest control’ and other such nonsense, but really we all know it’s because these sadists love to torture poor, innocent animals! Hunting must be banned!”
  2. “Banning gambler hunting would be the end for centuries of tradition!” wails esteemed aristocrat Tandi Hill from atop his steed. “The thrill of the chase, the baying of the hounds, the gambler scooting through the undergrowth - it would be a travesty! We provide much needed stimulus to the local tourism, and you can’t deny that gamblers are pests - killing farmers’ livestock for example! I propose that gambler hunting be encouraged, for the cultural - and economic - benefit of the nation!”
  3. “Well, you know what I think?” asks Whoopi Pavlov, while helping to assemble a small trebuchet. “I reckon that the real issue about this sport is the cruelty aspect, and no-one can deny that sending a pack of dogs to tear apart a poor, innocent gambler is cruel. I reckon we should just ban hunting with hounds and only allow kinder and more instantly lethal methods like guns, tranquillisers, and cruise missiles.”
  4. “I’m firmly against the slaughter of dumb animals,” says Colleen Wall, while feeding an infant gambler with a milk bottle. “It would be best if the animals didn’t die, and hunters could still do what they love to do - how about instead of shooting them or sending vicious canines after them, the hunter runs up to his quarry and gives it a symbolic ‘tap’ with his hand? Now isn’t that much nicer for everyone?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the national census includes an opt-in to join the government-run dating service.

2021-10-21 09:30

All the Lonely People

Random Chaos City University researchers have reported that as many as 1 in 3 people in Random Chaos may be suffering from chronic loneliness. Studies say this is causing considerable harm to people’s health, as dangerous as smoking a pack of cigarettes each day.

  1. “The problem here is social isolation,” observes lead researcher Dr. Elena Rugby, who is plastered with a distracting amount of facial make-up. “Lonely people could just use some government-funded opportunities where they can meet up and chat, get-togethers where they might find the man of their dreams after being left at the altar thirty-two long years ago.” She sighs wistfully and averts her gaze.
  2. “No, the problem here is perceived social isolation, not actual isolation,” interrupts co-researcher Mackenzie Thomas, talking to you via a carefully crafted sock puppet on his right hand. “Mr. Sock here thinks that it’d be better to provide counseling and drugs to brighten up life. You’re only alone if you feel alone.” He pecks Mr. Sock on the ‘cheek’ and smiles happily.
  3. “No, no, no! The problem here is that these socialists are attempting to isolate big government solutions,” complains socialite Daisy Hawkins, smoothing out her second-hand green velvet jacket. “If you really want people to be less lonely, then cut back income tax a bit, and they’ll have more disposable income to get out and meet people. More money equals more happiness!”
  4. “No, no, no. And no. The problem here is social isolation being seen as undesirable,” comments introvert Ringo Harrison, offering his thoughts softly from behind a pair of face-obscuring sunglasses. “Wouldn’t the world be better if everyone just stopped all this inane chatter and got on with some quiet reading? Oh, there’s an idea: maybe you could make two hours every evening into no-contact time, where people aren’t allowed to talk or interact with each other. That’d be... nice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians literally speak literally.

2021-10-21 03:30

The Lowest Form of Wit

Chiri MacIntyre, your Minister of Health, became a target of criticism when he responded to a political opponent’s colorful insults by saying “Maybe you should consider rinsing your dirty mouth with bleach. It might even help you get rid of that bad breath.” Unfortunately, some citizens took this as actual advice that this would work as a treatment for their own stinky exhalations, and have been hospitalized with painful injuries.

  1. “Look, it is not my problem that some people in this country aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer,” sneers MacIntyre, throwing his arms up in exasperation. “Sarcasm, people! It shouldn’t be so hard to understand. Even my 5-year-old niece got the joke. I guess the proles must be so adept at comprehending rhetorical devices because of our robustly funded education system, and you DON’T need to spend more on that. That was me being sarcastic again, in case you missed it. Yeesh.”
  2. “Nonsense, people holding public office need to have full accountability for their statements,” says Holly Simpson, popping a handful of breath mints. “If the Health Minister himself comes up and says ‘use bleach for bad breath’, who am I to doubt his authority? I mean, can you imagine if a world leader was to suggest injecting bleach? Not that anyone but a blithering baby-brained wibbling idiot would ever suggest such a thing, but still, can you imagine the potential harm? We need to ban sarcasm and all forms of linguistic ambiguity from political discourse and censure this minister for jeopardizing our lives!”
  3. “Banning sarcasm? No way! This actually gives me a great idea!” exclaims Max Berenstein, your Minister of Alternative Solutions, rubbing his hands excitedly. “If anything, we should encourage our party members to employ as much equivocation in their speeches as possible, so they have plausible deniability if a statement of theirs falls flat. Did you make an unfortunate remark about Bigtopians? Just say it was sarcasm, problem solved!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tabloids coo over Leader's expected child.

2021-10-20 21:30

Children in the Lead?

A recent broadsheet special on the children of other leaders in The Hatrackia has brought attention to the lack of children in your own residence. Spying a public relations opportunity, some of your advisers have begun to suggest that you should consider having a kid or two.

  1. “This is a golden PR opportunity,” exclaims Ganondorf Morris, representing Moral Minority. “Imagine: you’d be the wise family figure. Think how much the people will love your new baby. You’ll be the epitome of family values leading everyone into domestic bliss. And think of the merchandising! I mean, think of the children.”
  2. Maxford University demographer and suspected eugenicist Leela Takei disagrees. “The fact is our nation is overflowing with young ne’er-do-wells. They commit more crimes, are more prone to rudeness, and, worst of all, are least likely to care about your good works, Leader. We have to send the message that we are going to do something about the troublesome demographics, and a good place to start is by you staying childless. And if we really want to crack down on population growth, we need to double down on border security too.”
  3. “Or how about adoption?” schemes Robyn Case, your PR expert. “I could see you with a nice adopted Lilliputian boy and an adopted Maxtopian girl. It would look great in front of the cameras. You could be the most multicultural and tolerant leader in The Hatrackia! And if everyone follows your lead, the orphanages won’t be nearly as dreary!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Contender" to "Instigator".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teens reminisce about when birthdays weren't celebrated with a cool glass of cabbage juice and a slice of corn-cream topped millet cake.

2021-10-20 15:30

Feasting or Fasting?

After a month spent surveying the country and asking adolescents to bend over and touch their toes, researchers from the Healthy Eating Analytical Research Think Tank limped home to nurse some black eyes and calculate their figures. They found that Random Chaosian teenagers are among the fattest in the world. Now, as you sit down to a sumptuous seven-course meal and a decent Marche Noirian red, your guests are all keen to opine on the topic.

  1. “You know what you should do?” says your nephew, Kim, cramming a slice of peacock-stuffed-ostrich into his mouth. “You should have a big annual games, just like the Ancient Maxtopians did, where gladiators fight to the death with spears. Except this time, the fatties get thrown into the arena. The winners would receive hundreds of thousands of chips,” he jumps in his seat excitedly, “A- And t-the losers,” a little peacock flies out of his mouth, “would perish like the wimps they are. I bet you anything people will flock to Random Chaos City to see jumbo mortal combat!”
  2. “Why have teens fight with sticks when you can offer them carrots instead?” asks Brenda Walker, the catering assistant who always wanted to be a chef, while wheeling in a cake tray. “Just replace all those nasty sugars and fats with healthy alternatives.” She places a meringue beneath your nose, smiling with pleasure as you take a bite, “You’d never guess that meringue’s made with stevia, agar gel and chickpea aquafaba egg substitute!” She beams, as you spit the chemical concoction discreetly into a napkin, “Just force manufacturers to take all those nasty ingredients out of our food, and our young people will be fitter in no time.”
  3. “Yea, verily we are a nation of gluttons, forgive us,” pontificates the Archbishop of Random Chaos City, Prospero Cumberbatch, before cracking open his sixth lobster-claw. “If we are to be absolved, we must fast. Make it compulsory that every Random Chaosian, children included, fast for forty days every year in accordance with our religious principles... except those of advanced spiritual enlightenment, like us,” he adds, out of the corner of his mouth, “That’ll trim waistlines and straighten out a few souls too.”
  4. “How ‘bout this for an idea?” blurts Otohime Kowalski, author of popular self-help manual ‘Big, Brainy and Beautiful’. “Just butt out. Big is who I am, and big is beautiful. Stop trying to legislate our teens’ behinds, and instead promote plus-size beauty for the betterment of our national self-esteem. A little butter never hurt no one; that’s what I’ve always said!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the education system is being cleansed of all corporate influence.

2021-10-20 09:30

The Magic (Of Advertising!) School Bus

An educational budget shortfall has prompted several local school districts to allow companies to advertise on school buses. This, of course, has aroused a major controversy over the ubiquity of advertisement.

  1. “I would like to let you know that I have a problem with this,” states high-school social studies teacher Elaine McKay. “I teach my students all the time about the negative effects of advertising on the populace, and then at the end of the day, they leave on buses inundated with this very corporate propaganda! It must be outlawed! And since we’re so strapped for cash, have the rich pay up for once.”
  2. “Corporate propaganda?” exclaims Jim Stark, CEO of Omni Consumer Products, “You’ve got to be kidding me! This is all harmless, you see. The advertising on buses is great for the school systems. How else would girls know that Maxxxi brand pads are right for them? Now, if you just sign here, businesses will be able to cover the buses with signs - to support education, of course - and perhaps we can advertise all over the schools themselves, too.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Avoided and the Top 10% for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hand-to-hand combat experience is udderly essential for all dairy ranchers.

2021-10-20 03:30

To Catch a Beef

A rancher on the southeastern border of Random Chaos was killed during a cattle raid on his farm. The death marks a peak in a growing trend of cattle rustling around border communities.

  1. “This is a travesty!” yelps Ruby Dunn, the cousin of the deceased. “Johnny lived to farm. He’d sooner jump from a bridge than hurt a fly. I tell you, these acts — these unspeakable attacks — are being committed by those damn South Nobovindians. They’re envious of our cattle. They slip across in the dead of night, steal any livestock they can and kill anyone who dares get in their way. Give us combat training, some guns, and the right to use them freely: these rustlers must be stopped at all costs!”
  2. “We don’t even know if it was the Nobovindians,” cautions City Commissioner Alina Lincoln, while casually sipping on her coffee, “and it would be completely improper for us to go off half-cocked on hearsay and emotional testimony. There’s a proper investigation to have, and leveled and reasoned response to hold. Let’s not go rattling the saber over roast beef.”
  3. “They’re bastards, that’s for sure,” states a man covered in dried grass and gambler droppings. “We don’t need to catch them. We don’t need to deter them. We need to explode them. Tag a dozen cows, rig them with dynamite, let ‘em be stolen and see where the explosions come from. That’ll tell you where these thieves are. That’ll tell you where to bomb. Trust me, there’s no such thing as disproportionate retribution.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, penniless buskers are singing for their supper.

2021-10-19 21:30

Don’t Be a Busk-Kill

A recent video shoot of newly sworn-in cabinet ministers being broadcast on live TV was disrupted by an enthusiastic but loud vuvuzela-player busking nearby. Most viewers reported they couldn’t hear a word being spoken over the noise. This incident has raised some smiles, but also sparked a debate over busking in general.

  1. “NOISY PESTS!” yells inner city resident Oberon Licorish, straight into your left ear from just two feet away. “While I’m trying to get my beauty sleep at 3 in the afternoon, I’m being disturbed by moronic musicians, talentless thespians and hopeless harlequins! They’re just beggars, but with added irritation and noise. Ban busking! Smash up their instruments, and take away all their earnings!”
  2. “Eish! Em not justa musician, mos,” protests Jan Scott, the busker in question, “Em a one-man entertainment experience, with Hlokoloza dancing for the bokkies an’ gooses, crazy naartjie juggling and even face painting for the laaities! Surely busking adds a bit a music and colour to life, nè? The government should pay buskers to be on every street. Let’s make everyone’s life happier now now!”
  3. “I know a way we could make both sides happy,” remarks your Minister for Fine Arts, Ariel Bannon, pressing play on her cassette of patriotic anthems to create the right mood. “We could introduce national performance licenses, and only allow public performance by those who have attained a certain standard. As a nice side effect, this will let us make sure that our nation’s culture is both highbrow and patriotic.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the weather in Random Chaos City is always 'pigeons with a chance of droppings'.

2021-10-19 15:30

Bye Bye to the Birdies?

After Smalltopian journalists reporting on recent protein powder trade negotiations penned more articles on Random Chaosian government buildings covered in bird droppings than international commerce, questions have been raised as to whether Random Chaos’s “pigeon problem” has gotten out of control.

  1. “Get these damned flying rats off me!” yells Buffy Hitchcock, a member of the Random Chaos City Beautification Council, desperately trying to wave away the pigeons pecking at her. “These vermin are everywhere, defecating on us, spreading disease and damaging bronze and marble with their caustic droppings. It’s all happening because a bunch of nutjobs are feeding them to feel good about themselves. Leader, ban pigeon-feeding immediately, so we may be free of this feathered pestilence!”
  2. “This is their city as much as it is ours,” sings your childhood nanny Miriam Poppout, while staring at a snow globe with unsettling intensity. “You can’t let these beautiful creatures die! We should embrace bird feeding. Random Chaos City will become known as ‘The City of a Million Pigeons’ and tourists will flock from across the world to see the birds and feed them at only two chips a bag.”
  3. “I can’t see what the fuss is about,” chimes in B. F. Spinner, a spokesperson of the Random Chaos City Ornithological Society. “Ask any illusionist or postman you know: pigeons are highly trainable animals. If the problem is that they are pooping around, they can simply be given potty training. Just put small toilet bowls at designated spots in the city, equipped with a food dispenser that gives food pellets when a pigeon poops there. The pooping behavior will thus be positively reinforced and — voila! — the next time the pigeon will go to the toilet bowl when it needs to poop. Problem solved!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children who can't memorize their multiplication tables are sent to the mines.

2021-10-19 09:30

Unreasonable Adjustments?

It’s exam season, and the latest headlines report that a student registered as having dyslexia and dyscalculia received various adjustments due to his disabilities. These included extra exam time, a scribe and a separate examination room. With the mounting cost of these adjustments and their perceived unfairness, interested parties have arrived at a public inquiry into the matter.

  1. “This kind of hand-holding is exactly what is making the next generation so stupid!” exclaims self-taught marine biologist Jane Sajak. “I had to work hard to learn my trade without help from anyone. I kept on and persevered, much as the fearsome dolphin who knows that to stop swimming means death. Now they’ll practically do the test for you as long as you have a doctor’s note. I say we get rid of all this babying of our children and bring back survival of the fittest.” Looking down at her rotund frame, she quickly adds “or rather, survival of the smartest.”
  2. “That’s absolutely absurd!” cries Napoleon Anderson, parent of three autistic students. “Look at these test scores! Students with learning differences are still falling behind their peers even with these extra adjustments in exams. What we need to do is totally re-shape our entire education system from the ground up to make it more accommodating for everyone. What price would possibly be too high when it comes to unlocking the true potential of every Random Chaosian?”
  3. “Do I ever have a solution for you!” beams Stephanie Garcia, with a wide grin displaying far too many teeth. “Just send all of those... special children of yours to us and we’ll set them up with workplace learning schemes in light manufacturing. It’ll be a great way to build character, cut down on wage costs and teach the value of hard work! It’s a win for the industry and the kids!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government keeps its thumb on the scales of justice.

2021-10-19 03:30

I Declare a Thumb War

A long-lost treaty with the aboriginal population of Random Chaos has been recently and conveniently uncovered, guaranteeing the right to settle legal cases by the traditional means of Thumb War. Documents in hand, Elder Arist ‘Finger Crusher’ Horner is seeking to settle a longstanding real estate ownership dispute with a frail and arthritic CEO in the Random Chaosian tourism industry.

  1. “For too long, my people have been denied our rights to this valuable land, and the economic power it brings,” he roars, working an enormous exercise band with his equally enormous thumbs. “You must respect our rights, and prove that your government is honorable. Tell you what, rather than deciding government policy with debates and chatter, why don’t you stick out that puny thumb of yours, Leader, and let’s get this over with. I promise not to humiliate you... much!”
  2. “Now hold on a moment!” interjects General Karol Perkins, head of an eccentric military research branch. “We shouldn’t thumb our nose at this treaty, but see how it doesn’t specify who they face off against? My office has been secretly developing a mechanical exo-suit, and it’s time to field test our new Mega Glove! I bet one of our soldiers would make a great champion!”
  3. “Who’s got two thumbs and a money making idea? This guy!” enthuses television executive Gyelbu Watterson, pointing at himself. “Instead of tying up the real courts with this sort of thing, let me make a legally-binding reality-sports-procedural show out of it! Think of the viewing numbers! Everybody will tune in to see if the plucky bar-room thumb wrestler can train enough to overcome the mighty hands of big business lawyers over the course of a season... no, two seasons! Oh, the montages we’ll have!”
  4. “Whoever wrote this must have been all thumbs... I don’t think our government can really be held accountable for it,” weasels your Minister of Exceptions. “It’s so badly written, I practically need a translator to read it! Just tie it up in court with endless challenges to what each word means — I’m sure it’ll get thrown out eventually.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children are often punished for the sins of the fathers.

2021-10-18 21:30

Guided Missiles and Misguided Men

After years of searching for the most wanted man in Random Chaos, you are finally sitting in the war room, eyes glued to the images on the live video feed. It’s confirmed: the drone can see the infamous terrorist Han Beckham... playing with his children. It seems like it will be impossible to take the shot without also killing the small children.

  1. “Wait! We can’t hurt those little ones,” wails your aide, Zane Green, while clutching his face in horror. “I know that he’s a monster who has killed and will kill again, but are we really going to stoop down to his level? Those kids are innocent of any of the atrocities their father has committed. We must hold our fire and try to find another way that doesn’t have such a high risk of collateral damage.”
  2. From the corner of the monitor, you can see a terrorist soldier spot the drone and begin to assemble a surface-to-air-missile launch platform. The operator turns around in his chair with a look of urgency. “Boss, we’re just about to lose the drone. It’s now or never! Authorise me to take the shot. If we let him go, it might take years for us to find him again - and who knows how many more children he might kill in the meantime? The inevitable loss of the little ones will be regrettable, but we need to take him out now!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, retail stores have reported mile-long lines after the ban on video games was lifted.

2021-10-18 15:30

Plug in and Play

Bored by their games of breeze block Tetris and live action Pong, former gamers have arrived in droves to protest against the ban on video games. The gamers, dressed as their favorite Maxémon characters, have asked that you bring back their controllers and consoles.

  1. “Well, um... you see here, this research shows that video games improve hand-eye coordination, decision-making skills, and encourage creativity and problem solving,” mumbles the meek, bespectacled, and incredibly uncharismatic Barbie Biscuitbarrel, shuffling some papers on your desk awkwardly. “I mean, yeah, the games can be addicting and maybe some people were copying what they were doing in the games in real life. You still shouldn’t punish everyone just because some noobs can’t tell the difference between fiction and reality.”
  2. “Our children have never been healthier!” joyously exclaims your Minister For Youth And Families, pushing aside disgruntled teens. “Children are actually bothering to learn about their world and getting fresh air and exercise. The problem isn’t that they haven’t got their digital toys. The problem is that you haven’t given them anything to replace it with. Fund more museums, parks, and libraries, and force these tykes to make use of them. The next generation will be better than ever! Sure, it might cost a pretty penny, but it’s for the children.”
  3. “For the children?” yells the stern 64-Star Commodore Fyodor Gutnick, causing the younger children to run away in tears. “When I was a kid, nobody cared about what I wanted. I studied, exercised, and worked my behind off, as these punks should be doing now!” The Commodore glares at the remaining children, causing them to flee the room. “If our children had mandatory exercise or military school, then they won’t need video games. We’d turn these hooligans and nerds into model citizens in mere weeks!”
  4. “Okay, maybe we shouldn’t go that far,” muses your cat-obsessed secretary who has pictures of her felines scattered all over your office. “Why not allow some games, but just not the violent ones? There’s nothing wrong with innocent games like Gumdrop Kart and Halo Kitten. Just allow games that any child can play without being scared or inclined to violence, and set up a council to rate the games. That way everyone is happy.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, stockbrokers dream of getting rich by writing textbooks.

2021-10-18 12:00

Highway Robbery by the Book!

The latest academic semester in Random Chaosian universities has kicked off, leaving students once more buying textbooks for their classes. Now, an endless sea of beleaguered twentysomethings stretches beyond the horizon, waving torches and marching on your office in protest at rapidly inflating prices of already exorbitant textbooks.

  1. “Attention, Leader!” shouts gambler physiology student Lisa Mitchell, who has a telescoped spine from carrying textbooks. “We - the oppressed, overstressed, and consistently underdressed - are tired of forgoing meals and basic comforts in order to afford the required tools for our education! We, the future of Random Chaos, have come to request that you force publishing companies to lower the price of our essential textbooks!”
  2. “Leader, don’t let those hooligans intimidate you!” says famed textbook author Goodman DiPyro. “Textbooks are an important aspect of the education experience and current market prices are reflective of this. How can a medical student identify the difference between a cyst and a lipoma without the most accurate and descriptive images possible? If anything, subsidising textbook authors and publishers will help boost the modern Random Chaosian learning experience while generously rewarding us for being so integral to the education system!”
  3. “Daddy, who let the poors out onto the front lawn?” questions Richard Kensington-Wellington III, whose famed millionaire misanthropic father is currently turning on the garden sprinklers. “The working classes should have never been allowed to study in the first place. I mean, what good does it do them? It only fills them with ridiculous aspirations above their natural station. It’s quite obvious after all that only the elite of society should be educated. All of my friends and their daddies say so! The common folk would be happier doing something useful with their lives!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, love means always having to say you're sorry.

2021-10-18 03:30

The Madson-Hashley Scandal

A vigilante group has acquired and published the membership rolls of the Madson-Hashley Club, a secret group for those wanting to commit the illegal act of adultery. With a few high-profile suicides stemming from the leak, experts are concerned that prosecuting these adulterers will do more harm than good.

  1. “No-one deserves to feel this bad,” argues marriage counsellor Arnie Unterobernegger, a former politician and actor renowned for his love of eating out. “Think about the people who are going to be publicly shamed, having had their relationship put on trial. The whole process is shameful, and has already driven people over the edge. You should legalise adultery, and let the relationships of consenting adults be kept between them and their marriage counsellors.”
  2. A lady twisting her husband by the ear comes over. “Adultery is the ultimate betrayal and should always remain illegal. However, if I can find it within myself to forgive my spouse, then what’s the point of charging him with a crime? As the offended party, I should get to determine his... punishment. You’ve learned your lesson, haven’t you, darling?” Her husband nods slightly before she lets his ear go.
  3. “Your husband’s taken you for a fool,” snaps Anne-Marie Trudeau, a stiff-necked staffer who has been cheated on by three different partners. “We should not be merciful to a sophisticated network intent on breaking our adultery laws. You must set up an anti-adultery task force to uncover and expose all the filthy cheaters in this nation! We must not stop until all their lives are destroyed. As for the people behind Madson-Hashley, they’re more than accomplices — they’re an organised crime syndicate, who should be treated as such.”
  4. “No-one is disputing that the adulterers broke the law, but these vigilantes have also callously destroyed the lives of many innocent partners who must live with the public shame of their spouse’s infidelity,” observes Ed Indy Sand, a privacy advocate. “They should have handed this information over privately to law enforcement, rather than raising a hullabaloo, airing all this dirty laundry in public. The vigilantes should be prosecuted for causing deliberate emotional and psychological harm.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wounded veterans can only get prosthetics if they agree to become walking billboards for the arms industry.

2021-10-17 21:30

Wounded Veterans Demand a Helping Hand

RCBS Nightly News has run an interview with a former Random Chaosian Army officer who has resorted to using a hook as a replacement for the hand he lost in combat after the Department of Veterans’ Affairs failed to cover the cost of prosthetic surgery, prompting a deluge of complaints about the way Random Chaos takes care of its wounded veterans.

  1. “You can’t ask young Random Chaosians to go overseas to serve their country and then abandon them when they come home injured,” insists recently returned double-amputee Rosalina Mistletoe. “Wounded veterans like myself who have given their limbs for this nation deserve to live in handicap-accessible housing, and to have the cost of our surgeries and therapy fully covered, even if it does cost an arm and a leg. What’s the point of spending so much on expensive new tanks and planes if you’re not going to take care of those of us who have given so much already?”
  2. “We couldn’t agree more that these brave veterans deserve a better standard of living,” hastily interjects Agnieszka Stuckmann, CEO of military equipment supplier Global Strategic Solutions, Inc. “But there’s no sense cutting procurement orders to pay for it. We would consider it our patriotic duty to foot the bill for free prosthetics for anyone injured in the line of duty ourselves. And all we’d ask in return is an agreement to plaster — er, decorate — the prostheses with advertisements for our civilian sales branch.”
  3. “That takes care of the symptoms, but not the cause,” announces Professor Dorji Cage, Director of the RCAF’s highly secretive Special Projects Division. “As long as we insist on using flesh and blood troops on the battlefield, these kind of injuries are going to continue to cause so much inefficiency — oh, and human suffering too, I guess. I say it’s time we unleashed Operation Codename: Giant Killer Robots!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is illegal to carry an umbrella when the official weather forecast predicts a sunny day.

2021-10-17 15:30

Bad Press

After a tip-off from a local informant, a SWAT team raided Gambler Hill Middle School. Their targets were the students publishing the school newspaper, with the schoolchildren taken into police custody for breaking the state’s official news monopoly.

  1. “What is wrong with a bunch of 11-year-olds publishing a newspaper about the events happening in their school?” exclaims furious mother Tamara Bakker, brandishing a rolled-up copy of the latest issue of Gambler Hill Weekly. “Without school newspapers, how are we supposed to find out when my little Andy’s next soccer match is going to take place or how Elsa’s mom is flirting with the math teacher to raise her child’s grades? People should be able to publish periodicals of non-political content without requiring government permission. Also, release our children immediately, or I’ll set the PTA on you!”
  2. “Whoa, are you out of your mind?” yells Justice Summers, your Minister of Truth, grabbing the newspaper from the angry parent’s hand and tossing it into the portable incinerator he drags around for this specific purpose. “How can we prevent the dissemination of fake news if we allow private media to exist? We should clamp down on all audacious attempts to mislead public opinion by contradicting state-approved news!”
  3. “Hail thee, our most wise and glorious Leader!” shouts out Olivia Capulet, a political commentator from the state-owned Random Chaos City Chronicles, who used to work for a dissident newspaper before it was shut down. “I would not doubt the wisdom of your decree, but why only periodicals of non-political content? Why should only people employed by the State be granted the privilege to sing your praises? How about all the aspiring journalists who are yearning to commend your most magnificent achievements? You should allow private media sources to publish political news as well, like the true leader you are.”
  4. “Well... we could just allow these kids to publish their newspaper but also ensure that they don’t get up to any mischief,” chimes in your Minister of Alternative Solutions, peeking and whispering through from the other side of your office door’s keyhole. “We could simply require that all media organs, including school newspapers, be supervised by a government-appointed agent. If we happen to detect a sign of dissent, our agents can nip it in the bud.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, toy versions of heroin paraphernalia let kids pretend to be their favourite TV characters.

2021-10-17 09:30

Animation Provocation

When media boss Ian Tivruski green-lighted a new Brancalandian animated series for the Random Chaosian Kids Network, he thought he was commissioning a delightful children’s show about metal-working amazons who knit cozy jumpers for their grandkids. As it turns out, the surprisingly explicit animation Sword Heroins: Love Needle has caused a lot of confusion amongst young viewers, and upset many parents.

  1. “Innocent children’s minds need to be protected from such corruption,” declares noted moral guardian Maria Polytunnel. “To achieve this, we should set up a Children’s Regulatory Animation Panel, with me as its fully-paid leader, of course. We can then deem what is and what is not suitable for broadcast.”
  2. “Should we blame these images on TV? No! Blame Brancaland!” declares angry mother Sheila Brelufski. “We should send tanks, and planes, and soldiers to the Brancalandian borders, threatening war unless they stop making this filth!”
  3. “I don’t get why people are complaining, to be honest,” dissembles Tivruski defensively. “Clearly, we added ‘Sword Heroins’ to our line-up to educate children about the dangers of peer pressure, drug abuse, and challenging everyone you vaguely dislike to a duel. Let us broadcast what we like when we like, even if it does challenge the tastes of some of our more easily offended viewers. Stand up for free speech, and endorse our decision, Leader.”
  4. “I think we’re ignoring a broader issue here,” bemoans frustrated animator Parker Stonetrey, “which is that animated art forms are never taken seriously enough to be considered anything more than kiddie fare. I say that we develop Random Chaos’s artistic vision and creativity by subsidising adult animation. When people think Random Chaos, they should think hentai!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Timber Woodchipping Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the legal profession considers itself above the law.

2021-10-17 03:30

Summary Injustice

An anti-corruption case accusing a Constitutional Court Judge of abusing his power was recently dismissed without trial, because the same Constitutional Court Judge said that he was ‘too tired to read the case notes’. After a week of bad press, the national ombudsman is demanding that you review the case personally, as it has become a cause célèbre within the legal community.

  1. “The system in place is a mockery of justice, beholden to the whims and corruptibility of individual judges,” lectures Ombudsman Adele Duras, who is once again concerned with the plight of the common man. “The little guy doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell when one biased judge gets to decide everything! We simply must bring back trial by jury for all criminal cases, or else our legal system will be considered as hopelessly corrupt as Maxtopia’s.”
  2. “Why would we ever trust legal judgment to the untrained and unwashed masses?” asks Justice Martin Liu over tea and scones in his tower-shaped house, which appears to be made of ivory. “Only the legal elite are sufficiently educated to decide cases properly, especially on such complicated matters as criminal law. Uphold the decision of the Constitutional Court, and let me also sentence those annoying agitators for wasting the court’s precious time with this nonsense.”
  3. “I’ll admit it: unilateral judgement is a flawed system,” observes Clotho Cerberus, one of the three Cerberus sisters, who is promptly interrupted by her sibling Lachesis Cerberus. “But I also acknowledge my sister’s point that citizen juries lack the legal knowledge to make sound judgments.” Atropos Cerberus then interrupts the other two siblings, “So why not have all courts run by a triumvirate of judges, with a two-to-one majority needed to impose sentences? That way, no one bad seed can corrupt the entire judiciary.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaosian Intelligence Agency relies on internet search engines to know what is happening overseas.

2021-10-16 21:30

A Cloak and Syringe Operation

Vague intelligence reports suggest yet another terrorist attack on Random Chaos City is being planned by Ultra-Violet, an especially extreme and hateful Violetist terrorist group from Tasmania. However, information is sketchy at best and the general feeling is that boots-on-the-ground intelligence will be needed to effectively assess and counter the potential threat.

  1. “Look, Leader, I’m going to be straight with you: there’s no nice or pretty solution here,” states Intelligence Director Alan Welsh-Boring, who is leading the search for Ultra. “We don’t have many Tasmanian contacts. Citizens of Random Chaos are viewed with extreme suspicion there, especially in the more rural areas that Ultra-Violet recruits from. My agents can pose as doctors who are vaccinating Tasmanians as part of the ongoing Spoon Pox eradication efforts. Doing this, they’ll be able to travel to the places they need to go, plant deep cover agents within the enemy ranks, and get critical intel to counter this terrorist threat.”
  2. “You can’t do that!” gasps Dr. Claude Borel, a member of the international non-governmental organization Doctors Without Quarters, who’s been crashing in one of your guest bedrooms for the past few weeks. “In a few years, our program may be able to eradicate Spoon Pox entirely. And it’s not just Spoon Pox... we’ve been vaccinating against other preventable diseases too, like Yellow Tongue and the dreaded Bendy Creaks. Your deceptions risk the credibility of all international medical aid efforts, and could set public health back by decades!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, city sidewalks are crowded with overweight people.

2021-10-16 15:30

Widening Buttocks Cause Movie Theater Havoc

Several festively chubby people were lodged in their movie theater seats for hours, as Random Chaos’s Fire Department worked to free them. Health organizations are now expressing concern over the problem of obesity in Random Chaos.

  1. “Clearly, we have to do something about the expanding obesity problem in Random Chaos, er, no pun intended,” remarks Tendi Bonaparte of the National Health Bureau. “The government should implement an extensive exercise management program and make it mandatory that all citizens participate in some kind of exercise at least once a week.”
  2. “Mandatory exercise! Get out! I don’t have the time!” snorts nationally renowned TV chef Bert Hammarskjöld. “How about banning those greasy fast food joints and drive-thrus? I mean, seriously, if you can’t get out of your stupid car to walk in and get a meal, how sad is that? Ban fast food and make junk food more expensive—that way, people will have to think about whether they really want to spend ten chips on a snack cake.”
  3. “I don’t see why it’s anyone’s business but my own how I kill myself,” says Fumiko Norris, a pleasantly plump former computer programmer, midway through a chili dog. “My weight is my own business, and if I don’t feel like exercising, that’s my choice. Sure, it’d be healthier to lose a few pounds, but my priorities lie elsewhere. Leave us alone, and we, the citizens of Random Chaos, will decide what’s important to us and what we want to eat.”
  4. “What about government-funded liposuction?” asks Lars Trump, while contemplatively chewing a mouthful of chili dog. “If I could get the fat sucked off of these hips, that would give me the willpower to stay thin. Obesity would be a thing of the past! Just think of it! Nothing but svelte, beautiful people everywhere! Ah, bliss!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, conscripts often volunteer for a second tour of duty so they can get a ticket to next year's Army Revue.

2021-10-16 09:30

Sergeant McCool Reporting for Duty

Gossip magazines have exploded into a frenzy after news broke that famous teen idol Draco “Squeaky” McCool is being conscripted into Random Chaos’s military.

  1. “I heartily welcome this man to the force,” dead-eyed military recruiter Pasang Beethoven utters in flat monotone. “Sergeant McCool failed to pass his initial examination, and he exited through the wrong door. But these are minor obstacles every soldier can learn to overcome. He will enter training immediately, and I am sure he will be proud to serve in the front lines with the other grunt... fine Random Chaosian men and women.”
  2. “NO! He’s going to DIE!” screams Vera Grieg, a 45-year-old who gives her current profession as ‘Squeaky’s Number One Fan’. “Leader, you can’t let Squeaky get killed. Can’t you just, well, refuse him? We Squeakers need him so much. He supports all kind of charities: Dinner-Dance for the Destitute, Masquerade for the Pox-Marked... Say, if he paid you some of his millions, couldn’t that be seen as a surrogate to actual service?”
  3. “This the pretty boy that’s due in?” rasps Chastity Mumford from the shadows, riffling through gossip magazines and military files. “He should already be physically fit at his age. In neighbouring countries, kids of seventeen, fourteen, six, can already disassemble and reassemble a rifle, crawl along the ground on their knees and elbows and take out a sniper... normal stuff.” She pauses to show you a video of unknown origin, which appears to depict youngsters playing cops-and-robbers. “Our imitation of conscription has failed to instil healthy Random Chaosian values into our people. We must widen the net and make the training harsher.”
  4. “When an engineer joins, we put them to work fixing stuff,” explains Army logistician, Henry Tate, moving a battalion of toy soldiers from one side of your desk to another. “Why not use this pop singer’s talents? We’d welcome him into the Army, but never put him on the front line. Instead, he’d fly from base to base singing to adoring uniformed fans, pose for recruitment posters, and go on TV to praise the glory of our great nation. He will serve beautifully.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Patriotic.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the country's famous rainforests are being bulldozed by the mining industry.

2021-10-16 05:30

Uranium Deposit Promises to Enrich Random Chaos

Prospecting company Nukes4U has uncovered a large uranium deposit in Random Chaos’s south-west.

  1. “This is a terrific find!” claims Nukes4U CEO Ingram Reed. “It will provide an enormous stimulus to our economy and create thousands of new jobs. It’s win-win! All we need from the government is permission to bulldoze the rainforest that’s on top of the deposit.”
  2. “You’ve got to be kidding,” says green pamphleteer Michonne Wynne. “This rainforest is thousands of years old! This country needs more environmental protection, not less. And to destroy the environment in order to mine uranium that then goes into nuclear bombs—well, that really sticks in my craw.”
  3. “There’s no need for an either-or decision,” says the government’s Minister for Mining, Clear-Felling, and the Environment. “We can preserve most of the rainforest and allow mining of a small part. After all, think of all the good that the money from this uranium deposit can bring to Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's entire cultural heritage is being auctioned off to the rich.

2021-10-15 21:30

Gallery in Need of a Renaissance

Having suffered from a continual decline in visitor numbers, the National Art Gallery of Random Chaos reached a new low yesterday, as just two visitors came through the turnstiles - one of whom was only there to fix the plumbing. Artists and aesthetes are demanding the government revamp the dated gallery to revitalise the nation’s fading enthusiasm for the arts.

  1. “The reality is, no one cares about some portrait of a smirking woman from hundreds of years ago,” asserts conceptual artist and millionaire Tina Hirst, pouring formaldehyde over a chainsawed gambler. “To get people excited about the arts, we need to display artworks that are relevant to this day and age — like mine.”
  2. “Our National Art Gallery is no place for your avant-garde junk!” responds caustic art critic Ryan Sewer, admiring a renaissance-era still life of a fruit bowl. “The National Art Gallery is underfunded. The government needs to spend more on preserving and promoting our creative heritage, or we risk becoming a nation of uncultured swine!”
  3. “There’s no need to be bitter over the differences in your aesthetic tastes,” soothes sociologist Carmen Lane. “Our galleries need diversity. We should fill them with works from around the world, from all styles, and from all eras. Then we can proudly consider ourselves a beacon for cultural tolerance.”
  4. “This just goes to show that the common man lacks the percipience to truly appreciate art,” scoffs Lord Marmaduke, handing his monocle to his butler to polish. “If these plebs cannot appreciate the magnificent works the National Gallery have on display, they should be in the hands, and dare I say houses, of those with the taste - and perhaps money - to do so.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, one-stop superstores divide and conquer family businesses.

2021-10-15 15:30

Supermarkets Gobbling Up All the Customers?

The recent boom in the nationwide supermarket Humongo-Mart has brought representatives from local mom and pop stores to your office demanding action be taken.

  1. “Humongo-Mart is destroying our livelihoods!” shouts Hyrum Barber, the owner of a small butchery, while waving a bloody cleaver. “These chains are over-saturating our cities with ridiculously low prices. I simply can’t compete. You need to put a stop to this. We need more regulations dictating where these supermarkets can be.”
  2. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” scoffs business columnist Melissa Goldsmith. “You want to punish businesses if they become too successful? They started small just like everyone else. If you regulate or — heaven forbid — ban big business, can you imagine the fallout? Without corporations to compete with, these small shops could gouge their prices. Never mind what capping industry growth would do to the economy. If anything we need less government meddling.”
  3. “This raises an interesting question,” begins amateur philosopher Taika Moore. “Why should we leave an essential commodity such as food up to the whims of profits and greed? The government needs to step in and take control of the means of food production in this country. You could ensure that every citizen is provided with a well-balanced, healthy meal instead of this overpriced slop. People shouldn’t have their health and basic needs held hostage by greedy corporations!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, state media features lively debates such as whether pineapple on pizza is an acceptable topping.

2021-10-15 09:30

State of the Media

According to recent surveys conducted by the National Broadcasting Agency, viewership of state media has hit a record low. This has resulted in a wave of officials and state-sponsored journalists seeking your advice on how to improve the situation.

  1. “We could accommodate more alternative views,” proposes Ingrid Redwood, a talk show host, speaking with you on live television. “Random Chaosians tend to view our state-approved programmes as blatant government propaganda. If we were to spice up our newspaper opinion columns and interviews with a greater variety of voices, then even the staunchest critics of state media won’t be able to say that we’re biased.”
  2. “I think that it’s a matter of trust,” concedes the head of the Department of Truthiness, while writing a puff piece about your pet gambler. “We shouldn’t cushion our people from the harsh truths of our nation, if that’s what they truly want. Unlike what the national papers say, we don’t actually have full employment or zero crime. We must release every single statistic being tracked in our country, and hope that our citizens can believe in us.”
  3. “The only true solution is to force everyone to watch our shows,” whispers the Minister of Internal Security, handing you a prototype screen. “We should install these modified televisions in every single household. They have built-in microphones and security cameras so that we can keep our citizens under constant surveillance. People who attempt to ignore state media by switching off their televisions will be identified, and taken away for a bit of re-education on how to be a proper citizen.”
  4. “That would be a hideous waste of chips!” objects the State Treasurer, showing you a number of charts that all seem to blend together. “If no one wants to view official media, then they don’t have to. We should scrap the entire thing and let the public come up with their own sources of information and entertainment. The resources could be allocated to somewhere else, like on strengthening our military and funding law enforcement.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Average Tax Rates.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, grazing lands are filled with cattle wearing odd-looking anti-pollution devices.

2021-10-15 03:30

Some Like It Hot; Others Don’t

A sudden rise in temperatures has sparked a debate over what the government should do to counter global warming, if anything. The environmentalist movement is up-in-arms and has camped outside your residence for three days demanding an end to all toxic emissions.

  1. As the crowd at the environmentalist rally shouts “Ban emissions NOW! Ban emissions NOW!”, a radical who has actually worked in the real world steps to the podium. “Hush now, folks. Do you realize that a total ban would also require the elimination of all 2.866 billion of us? Our mantra SHOULD be ‘Reduce emissions NOW!’ We must demand that our government install emission controls on all producers, including manufacturing plants, mining and agricultural operations, and military and civilian vehicles. We may not be able to eliminate all emissions, but we can surely go after the sources.”
  2. “We don’t need to be too extreme about this, people,” suggests Ladislav Gibson, an economist. “To lower emissions, all we need to do is provide an economic incentive not to pollute. By this, I mean put a tax on harmful emissions. This excise tax will serve to encourage the use of cleaner alternative energy sources, while keeping the economy more or less intact and creating a new source of government revenue. Win-wins always sound good to me.”
  3. “Whoa, dude! The government is planning to do WHAT?!?” says famous surfer Rey Merkel, “This temperature spike is, like, totally rad. Why would we want to stop it with uncool stuff that, like, makes it too cold for me to surf and like also does some bad stuff to our economy? Sure, there might be some, like, smog and pollution and stuff, but who cares when we could have bigger waves?”
  4. “You know, I’m really tired of these hippies constantly complaining about the environment,” rants your arch-conservative cousin, Zhiku Stone, “They’re the real problem. I say we round up all the tree-huggers and shoot ‘em all. Then business can go on as usual without the eco-nazis protesting every new oil refinery.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fat-shaming is now public policy.

2021-10-14 21:30

Shock Tactics

The Random Chaosian Resuscitation Council has noted that every year a vast number of preventable deaths occur because of lack of access to public AEDs (automated external defibrillators) and a dearth of competent first aiders able to use them.

  1. “Put an AED in every bus stop, every train station, every supermarket and next to every ATM. Make first aid training mandatory in the later school years, then make people refresh their skills every ten years,” directs Dr. Moana Shiomi of the Resuscitation Council, sipping his double-cream double-shot cappuccino. “Nations with poor access to AEDs have cardiac arrest survival rates of one in twenty. In nations with good access and training, three out of four patients will live. That’s got to be worth a little investment, right?”
  2. “That sounds overly complex and expensive, a bit like the good doctor’s premium beverage,” argues dietitian Victoria Belcher. “Personally, I like my health policies like I like my coffee: cheap and fast. Or was that how I like my men? I forget... Anyway, public health promotion is a smarter option. Prevention is better than cure. Restrict salty and fatty foods, and encourage healthy eating. That’ll hit the spot really efficiently. Like a good coffee. Or a good man.”
  3. “Health spending is a black hole,” moans tired-looking health economist Boromir Grimes, sipping at a plastic cup of nasty-smelling instant coffee. “If you help people live longer you just get older people with even more expensive and complicated medical problems. A good heart attack stops the oldies from being a burden on the economy. We ought to slash healthcare funding, and instead subsidise industries high in profit and saturated fat, then head out for an ice cream smoothie. Life’s too short! Or rather it isn’t, and that’s the problem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, atheists and evolutionary biologists are fleeing the country like rats from a sinking ship.

2021-10-14 15:30

Nobody Expects the Random Chaosian Inquisition!

Some key figures of Random Chaos’s major religious groups have requested government sponsorship for the institution of an inquisition to try heretics and blasphemers.

  1. Cardinal Mortimer Gratwick, Archbishop of Random Chaos City, demands you kiss his ring before telling you, “The Church encourages the formation of an Inquisition. However, it will only be to try those in error and put them on the right track to holiness; you needn’t worry about those nasty thumb-screws and we haven’t had a rack in ages, so we won’t be torturing people. Of course, in order to bring this noble plan into effect, the Holy Office must have jurisdiction over the civil courts.”
  2. “This is bloody outrageous!” screams Dennis Cox, head of the nation’s most important civil liberties movement, People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything, while jumping up and down in front of a television camera. “These damn ultra-conservatives will plunge us all into chaos! Random Chaos can never have an Inquisition! Everyone should have the right to think, say, believe, etc, whatever the damn they please. When was the last time you released a dove on a monthly basis? Huh? HUH?! That’s what I thought! It’s time to move beyond these primitive beliefs!”
  3. “The people of Random Chaos need more than an Inquisition,” pronounces Jessica Kiefaber, known fundamentalist tele-preacher, who pauses hawking the complete DVD collection to make some demands. “We must persecute all those who do not live according to the Book! The Lord has told me that the time has arrived to bring back the good old days! Back when we didn’t have all these touchy-feely, fuzzy-headed punishments. Prison? Ha! Like that’s a punishment! Stick those heathens in the stocks, or even better: bring back stonings! It’ll bring us into a new golden age!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bouncers at the door of the sweet shop warn five-year-olds not to cause trouble.

2021-10-14 09:30

Black Days for Random Chaos

Annually, retailers in Random Chaos mark down their prices a bit and sell “limited edition” items. This year, the usual frenzy of crazed customers fighting over toasters and flat screen TVs escalated to new levels. Cut-price madness may well have tipped into societal insanity: maybe you should do something to fix the situation.

  1. “Look what those savages did to me!” yells Weena Dahl, an aggrieved customer waving a bandaged wrist stump at you. “I was trying to scan my credit card for a blender, and a wacko cut my hand off and stole the blender. The same guy also stuffed my leg into this peg leg. Now mind you, my leg is still in there, but I can’t get the damned thing off! You should ban one day discount events, and force any discount applied to be sustained for at least a week. If not for public safety, then do it in tribute to my hand!”
  2. “That’s insane... A bit like our Low Low Prices!” retorts sales rep Cindy Kringle, aiming an exaggerated wink and a cheeky smile at you. “Look, our sales quintuple during discount events. Spending drives the economy, and this generates the tax that lets you run your government. So, everyone benefits! In fact, you should make it a national holiday so people can get off from work and fight... uh, I mean compete... with each other for new stuff!”
  3. “Or, we could have a slight compromise,” states Howard Roosevelt, head of contractor firm International Retail Security. “The presence of trained security professionals can achieve up to seventy-five percent fewer deaths in-store! You should allow these ‘super sales’, but require stores to hire private security to make sure no one kills each other. That way, the business owners get to make lots of chips, but the public stays safe.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, news editors who eschew the state-approved superlatives for describing Leader tend to disappear.

2021-10-14 03:30

May the Fourth Estate Be With You

All hail Leader! As the nation enters yet another period of unbounded success, your infinitely dedicated and even more competently selected advisors are working hard to further consolidate your power, with counsel on how your flawless government should wield the undeniably correct state-run media.

  1. “We must ensure that you are forever in people’s hearts and minds,” says your Minister of Truth, patriotically cutting traitorous ministers out of official photographs with a pair of safety scissors. “You must be referenced in every article of every publication. Also, the front pages of all the newspapers will now be dedicated exclusively to your life’s story, like the time you wrote a true crime novel at the age of four. Long live the Free Land!”
  2. “A glorious regime is nothing without its unrivaled military might!” declares Supreme Generalissimo Who Crushes Enemies Ayla Levy, who’s had your back since the beginning. “Undying trust in our armed forces begets undying trust in you. We must use our media apparatus to tell wonderful yet plausible and completely correct tales of our military triumphs in faraway lands. Long live the Free Land!”
  3. “We should make our populace learn to love you, not fear you, even though no sane person would ever fear you,” meekly suggests junior minister Francisco Schmo, cowering behind the Generalissimo. “If people are constantly reminded of the high standard of living the government provides for them, no one would dare question your authority.” He stares at the floor, waiting for the next speaker. “Oh! I almost forgot, sorry. Long live the Free Land.”
  4. “I say, your guidance has proven so potent that you no longer require the unnecessary burden of operating a state-run media,” says former media tycoon Lana Baker, choosing her words tactfully. “With your divine blessing, reintroducing privately operated media will demonstrate to our eternally grateful people that you hear the voices of others, however flawed those voices may be compared to yours. Long live and all that jazz.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, homeowners on prime real estate have been seen dodging giant bulldozers with cartoon characters painted on them.

2021-10-13 21:30

We Are Not Amused

Entertainment tycoon and billionaire Walter Eisner has proposed Eisnerland, a massive theme park that he wants to build in an economically impoverished area of northwestern Random Chaos. Due to the significant expense of this project, Mr. Eisner is asking for state funds to help finance it.

  1. “Eisner Enterprises has provided a great source of joy and family entertainment ever since our first animated motion picture, Robbie the Rambunctious Gambler, delighted our audiences,” says Mr. Eisner as he skips around your desk in a business suit and ‘Robbie Ears.’ “My wonderland of whimsy will increase economic growth in Random Chaos, and has a chance to become the number one tourist destination in all of The Hatrackia! Of course, we will have to move a few thousand residents out of the way, but we’ll be providing much-needed employment for the area. Now would you like to see my plans for the Experimental Prototype Community Recreation Area Project?”
  2. “This is an insane proposition,” declares Harry Guilliman, bursting in with a homemade picket sign that depicts Robbie sitting on a throne of cash. “These corporate monsters are trying to evict us from our homes in order to build this megalopolis of rickety rides and greasy, overpriced corn dogs. For the well-being of our families and communities, and the reputation of our nation, please refuse to provide funds for Eisnerland and ban all new corporate projects in residential areas.”
  3. “No one thinks about the alternative possibilities for these dilemmas,” remarks Marina Navarrete, your Secretary of Compromises and Other Weird Solutions, who appears to be wearing a different-colored sock on each foot. “You see, the obvious answer is to move the entire project out to the desert. There are no residential areas or regulations to worry about! Sure, many people would be exhausted moving around in the scorching heat, and there aren’t any nearby restaurants, hospitals, or hotels, but perhaps the government could help pay for some of those as well.”
  4. “You can’t put a big amusement park there!” shouts artist Harry Jarvey, who is infamous for burning all of his sculptures within a week of their completion. “That desert is the site of our annual arts and radical inclusivity festival. The whole thing is based on freedom of expression and participation, not the sale of pre-packaged commercialism. To turn our cherished playa into a morass of corporate commodification would be an outrage! I insist that you prevent this Eisner fellow from leaving any trace of his vanity project in our desert - or anywhere else - and maybe have the government subsidize our event, for good measure. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to write a few more rules for next year’s festival.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Negotiator" to "Contender".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lottery winners spend most of their money on security.

2021-10-13 15:30

Who Wants to Know a Millionaire?

A climbing jackpot in the lucrative Random Chaosian national lottery has led to weeks of media frenzy, and at last, a ticket sold at a corner drugstore in Random Chaos City has been drawn. However, the winner has refused to come forward to claim their prize. A letter sent without return address purports to be from the winner, who demands to remain anonymous.

  1. “This is a matter of privacy and safety,” argues Charlemagne Chew, a spokesperson for the pro-anonymity group Citizens Railing Against Peeping. “Releasing the names of these winners puts them in considerable risk. Last month’s winner was harassed by former partners, stalked by tireless panhandlers, and nearly robbed by half a dozen chuggers! Lottery winners need to be left alone so they can go back to their normal jobs — or not, as the case may be.”
  2. “We must continue to publicize these lucky winners,” interjects your head of gaming, Hermione Jammeh, while slipping on a pair of black leather gloves. “Our lotteries help fund important Random Chaosian programs like education, parks, and hacki- I mean technical literacy, so the people need to know the winners’ identities to ensure it’s not just government insiders who win. Plus,” she continues while putting on a clown mask, “we’re still a nation of laws. I’ll concede that a few weirdos will stalk the winners, but the overwhelming majority of our citizens are courteous enough to leave them alone. Now where did I leave my lockpicking set?”
  3. “Gambling is the Devil’s vice!” proclaims puritan zealot Marlon Powers. “Lotteries are a legal avenue for the state to rob the destitute and mathematically illiterate! I’ve spent millions of chips on tickets and haven’t won a fraction of it back! You need to not just protect the winner, but all of Random Chaos — outlaw all forms of gambling immediately!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign governments regularly accuse the Random Chaosian military of war crimes.

2021-10-13 09:30

Selling Random Chaos Down the River?

Blueriver, a private security company hired by Random Chaos during foreign interventions, made headlines when footage emerged of their mercenaries grotesquely torturing prisoners. Shocked and appalled, civil rights activists from around the world are calling on Random Chaos to do something.

  1. “Why did Random Chaos feel the need to hire mercenary groups like Blueriver in the first place?” rhetorically questions Kate Stone, a jaded veteran of the Wezeltonian War. “The answer is clear: the army uses hired guns to cover up the body count of shady foreign interventions. Such dishonorable conduct sickens me. It’s about time the military was open and honest about its actions. Only our brave soldiers should engage in conflicts, not amoral sell-swords who are notorious for looting.”
  2. “That’s naive,” frankly states the CEO of Blueriver, Orville Butler, who would only talk with you behind closed doors. “The reason the military hires my ... operatives in the first place is plausible deniability. Random Chaos’s armed forces were clearly not involved in this breach of human rights. No harm done, eh? Release a short statement criticizing the atrocities, and then start a long, drawn-out ‘investigation’. People will forget all this happened in no time. Then we can get back to doing what we do best. Just don’t ask too many questions as to what that might be.”
  3. “Sir, if we didn’t have quite so many of these pesky ‘human rights’ laws to follow in the first place, we wouldn’t be in this mess,” suggests Tina Hernandez, an army lifer. “Don’t even get me started on the Genièvre Convention. Terrorists spit upon all the values of civilized society, and yet some people want to prevent us from using all possible methods to stop these monsters. Give my boys the freedoms they need to get the job done, and we won’t need to hire those contractor goons so often.”
  4. “Hah!” interjects Carrie Parker, head of Medicine not Machineguns, a humanitarian aid charity. “And just why is Blueriver finding so much work overseas? It might just be because half of our neighbors have been carpet-bombed into the stone age by us at some point or another. Maybe we should consider sending aid operatives instead? Building up a bit of goodwill would mean we wouldn’t have to deploy shocktroopers all the time.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a new "thought police" branch is being developed.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2021-10-13 03:30

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Your Chief Milk Officer recently confessed to the heinous crime of leaking the location of the strategic chocolate reserve. The guilty verdict for the Chief Confectioner, once thought to be the perpetrator, has been overturned, and he is now free and back in your services. Over the course of the night’s dessert, the confectioner’s first since returning, you notice that he might have something to say when a large cake covered with piped lettering is brought out and set in front of you.

  1. The cake reads: “Remember when I was arrested and they made me take that lie detector test? Well, I have a fear of yes-or-no questions, so I failed. Polygraph tests are a bad way to investigate a suspect. They don’t account for sweaty and anxious people. I shudder to think how others with a worse condition than mine can cope with this barbaric practice. Polygraph tests should not be allowed as admissible evidence in any legal proceeding, or no more treats for you!”
  2. “This is a bunch of horse dung!” exclaims your Minister of Justice, gulping down a big piece of your cake. “Delicious! Despite the occasional outlier, like this situation, the polygraph reliably measures the indicators of a lie being told. It generally works. And just between us, assuming it is hogwash, it still would make perpetrators nervous and more likely to confess. If anything, make them the norm during interrogations.”
  3. “Oh come on! Next, you’re going to use a crystal ball in our criminal investigations,” jokes your Science Minister, dissolving the cake in an acid solution. “What we need to do is modernize our means of interrogation. With our advances in neurology, we may be able to develop a chip that measures the neural activity of its subject, giving us the ability to accurately determine if someone’s telling the truth. Give us the funding, and be ready for a safer Random Chaos!”
  4. “Bah!” utters an old Random Chaos City police officer, who is on a diet. “If you ask me, these fancy gadgets are making the police too soft. Back in the good ol’ days, we had a more hands-on approach and believe me, nothing brings honesty out of a liar better than some good old beatings.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is notorious for leaving citizens with almost nothing from their inheritance.

2021-10-12 21:30

Where There’s a Will There’s a Tax

After the vast fortunes of a recently deceased oil tycoon in Random Chaos were left to a small cactus plant, citizens nationwide have been asking the same question: should the inheritance tax laws be changed?

  1. “Every time I see a stupid rich kid having an easy ride of life with money they did nothing to deserve, I go into a jealous rage and start punching walls,” says economically disadvantaged individual Katniss Little. “Abolish inheritance entirely! If the government takes the inheritance then we can spend all that cash on things that make ordinary people’s lives better, like education, social welfare, and attack helicopters.”
  2. “This is a disgusting breach of my human rights,” says Panu Scully, heir to an international widget empire. “Just think of all the poor families who have spent their lives scrimping and saving with the dream of passing on a modest luxury yacht to ensure the security of their children’s children. All that sacrifice, all that toil, all those long nights working their fingers to the bone setting up offshore accounts - it brings a tear to my eye. Inheritance tax has got to go!”
  3. “Surely we can arrange some sort of compromise here,” says comfortable knitwear fan Venus Barber. “Yes, it’s true that some people exploit the system - but a lot of people rely on inheritance for their basic support! Why don’t we just set a sensible ceiling on how much you can inherit? That way you get to keep the family farm, but not the five mansions and the oil refinery.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, traffic cops are puzzled to see that nobody exceeds the speed limits.

2021-10-12 15:30

Sit-Down Money

With traffic congestion on the roads of Random Chaos City reaching unbearable density, labour unions are demanding that employees be paid overtime wages for time spent in traffic jams.

  1. “Have mercy on us, Leader!” yells Dorothy Bourdain, honking her car horn right under your window. “I’ve been stuck in this damned traffic jam for so long I’ve forgotten what my children look like! It is inhumane to spend four hours every day just trying to commute to work and back home! I deserve to be paid overtime wages to compensate for the stress I endure!”
  2. “What is this noise?” asks your secretary Jean-Paul Karoshi, crawling out from under his desk, still wrapped in his blanket. “Tell these softies that nobody is forcing them to drive back home after work. People whose homes are far away from work should be encouraged to sleep over at their offices and only go home once a week or so. This would also help boost their company loyalty. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a quick shower. The garden sprinklers are on, right?”
  3. “I’m not sure why it’s government business what our corporate pay structures are,” observes well-rested CEO Naomi Nygma, whose commute involved a 15-minute private helicopter trip. “The labour unions always have one demand or another, but we can deal with these problems with hardball negotiation, judicious hiring and firing, and failing all else, water cannon. How about government stays out of it, and lets us resolve these pay disputes our own way?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, soldiers are "encouraged" to advance by armed officers behind them.

2021-10-12 09:30

Just Deserts for Desertion?

Every year, the nation comes together to remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in defence of Random Chaos. While the majority of the population partakes in this act of remembrance, a small number of families dread this day — the relatives of those who were executed after being found guilty of desertion. Recently released documents have suggested that many were killed as a result of sham trials.

  1. “My great-uncle Lancelot was no coward,” sobs Cassidy Miller, as she cradles a photo of her relative. “The military records show that he retreated from combat while under attack. However, his letters to his wife explain that he was trying to get to higher ground so that he could pick off the enemy with his sniper rifle. He was accused of abandoning his post and was tried by officers who weren’t anywhere near him at the time, all without a lawyer present. All I ask is for a posthumous pardon — for him and any other veterans who were illegitimately convicted — so that at the next remembrance service, I can lay a wreath with pride knowing that he served his country.”
  2. “That’s preposterous!” proclaims General Larry Stromburg, as he stares at Cassidy with suspicion. “Pardoning those deserters would be an insult to those who died honourably on the battlefield. Moreover, everyone was tried fairly by officers who were proficient in the laws of the day. To be quite honest, I feel the army has gone too soft in recent years and stricter punishments for cowardice should be introduced.”
  3. “Why is it only the deceased being considered for pardons?” probes Rory Cage, a specialist in criminal law, as she grasps the lapels of her jacket. “One of my clients in the armed forces was sentenced to hard labor after a very dubious trial. Critical evidence was declared inadmissible, and the eyewitness statements were questionable at best. We should set up a special commission to re-evaluate all of these dodgy convictions. Furthermore, all military tribunals should be replaced with ordinary civilian trials that have proper oversight from our judiciary.”
  4. “Let’s test these blighters to see if cowardice runs in their blood,” suggests Agatha Hester, your Director of Covert Operations, as she discreetly clips a tiny spy camera to Cassidy’s handbag. “We can send them out to nations with whom we have not-so-friendly relations, Blackacre for one. Put them on a dangerous espionage mission, such as stealing a sample of those bio-weapons we all know they’re working on. If they succeed... Grandpappy gets his pardon. We might even find ourselves a few decent spies — they’re so difficult to come by these days.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wildlife parks are packed with poachers yet increasingly devoid of animals.

2021-10-12 03:30

Poacher Pandemic

Poachers have hunted the great-horned gambler to the verge of extinction; the creature’s horn is commonly used as a medicinal ingredient for its alleged aphrodisiac qualities in Dàguó. With diminishing numbers of the animal left in the wild, some claim that the threat of its demise looms near.

  1. “Are we placing the interests of a few dirty old beasts over that of our citizens?” enquires notorious game hunter Aphrodite Collins, while showing you her collection of stuffed dead animal heads. “If anything the government should sell licenses to private hunters and give us the sport of putting the last of these wretched creatures out of their misery. You can give back the license fees to the taxpayers in the form of income tax cuts.”
  2. “There’s no need to be so gung-ho,” proposes park ranger Erik Keating, while showing you photos of animals he has caught and released. “The government could sell licenses to private hunters, but only to hunt the much more abundant lesser-spotted gambler. Then you can use that money to fund the conservation of the great-horned gambler. Perhaps after a few years the lesser-spotted gambler will become endangered too, but then we could just hunt something else.”
  3. “I have a way to solve this,” notes Khethiwe Reyes, your Minister for Alternative Solutions, while using lemonade to water your plants. “The great-horned gambler can live without its horn, and the horn is all the citizens of Dàguó want. Why don’t we just sedate the animals and carefully cut off the horns and sell them ourselves legally? That way the animal gets to live and we turn a profit!”
  4. “Selling the horns legally isn’t the answer,” declares mercenary Phineas Yates, while whittling a crude gambler using his over-sized hunting knife. “The trade will increase their demand, so poachers will still be around trying to get there first. This problem would be solved if there weren’t any of these poaching scum in the first place. Just pay my team a generous sum and we will kill them all for you. Then you can be sure they won’t harm these beautiful creatures ever again.”
  5. “We have to save this noble beast!” proclaims budding environmentalist Weena English, wearing a ridiculous looking fake horn on her hat in solidarity. “We need highly trained and armed park rangers to guard the remaining animals around the clock. Not only that, but also prosecute retailers who sell any product derived from the horn, as well as individuals who possess it. And we need our top scientists to work on ensuring these creatures breed more and their numbers recover. If we don’t do all these things, we could lose this amazing animal forever.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the rainbow assortment of chemicals in the water has turned the frogs gay.

2021-10-11 21:30

Rivers of Blood

Dye effluent from a textile factory has turned the waters of a neighboring river a vivid red, angering nearby residents. The incident has placed the practices of the dye industry and the use of synthetic dyes squarely in the limelight.

  1. “We can’t let this stain our nation any further lest we die!” growls local resident Leandro Williams, using colorful language to emphasize his point. “Toxic and carcinogenic chemicals are being dumped into our water supply. Ban synthetic dyes and follow the example of us townsfolk: use only natural dyes, as most of them are non-toxic and safer to produce and handle than artificial colorants. All we need is plenty of cleared, arable land for dye production. That, and over three million snails — something to keep the kids occupied, you know.”
  2. “Sure, natural dyes might sound great, but you’re taking this a shade too far,” cautions Rory Dredd, a dye industry spokesperson. “Think of the environment! We would have to decimate our woodlands and wildlife to fit in dye plantations. Even then, our economy and our clothes would be feeling blue if disaster struck the dye crop. However, I do empathize with those affected by whatever happened. A little ‘financial incentive’ will help us research and develop safer synthetic dyes.”
  3. “Lavender lagoons? Scarlet streams? Count me in!” chimes tourism and novelty museum tycoon Agatha Lewis. “Finding chemicals in the water is anything but a problem; in fact, it’s a prime opportunity! We should add a bit of color to our lackluster lakes; the oddly-pigmented oddities would become tourist magnets! Our nation will be known far and wide for its colorful waterways, flowing proudly in our national hues. This, right here, is what will attract more money than anything Random Chaos has seen in ages. Let’s dye ourselves into the next golden age!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sushi is sold on the black market.

2021-10-11 15:30

The Germ of an Idea

Over the last two months, hospitals in Random Chaos have been reporting a consistently increasing number of check-ins related to food contamination, which has fueled a debate among Random Chaosians regarding government regulations on food safety.

  1. “The rise in food poisoning is disturbing, and entirely avoidable,” asserts the Minister of Food Safety, Molly Blair, who is also the author of the popular sightseeing guide 1001 Lavatories To See Before You Die. “Better regulation and mandatory training of anyone serving food to the public would ensure a sharp decline in food poisoning cases.” Turning slightly green, she sprints from the room.
  2. “You’re out of your mind if you’re even considering this,” asserts Tsewang Haggard, owner of the small town restaurant, The Random Chaosian Gourmet. “Millions of people eat in restaurants every day, and normal people don’t have any problems! It’s just the wimps who are blowing this whole ‘food poisoning’ and ‘lack of food safety’ thing way out of proportion. Over-sterilisation of our environment weakens our immune systems. You should get rid of any ideas of food standards regulation, and we’ll all be healthier for it!”
  3. “Don’t you know what’s in those restaurants? Germs!” exclaims Brandon Nimoy, as he wipes his hands repeatedly with a wet-wipe. “Germs that get into your body, into your brain, and make you sick. Chefs cough in our food and serve it to us. Believe me, I know what goes on. I boil all my food for thirty minutes. It kills the germs, keeps me safe. And Leader, if you want to protect Random Chaosians, you’ll insist restaurants do the same.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, recognised healthcare professionals treat diabetes with a grain of sugar in a barrel of water.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

2021-10-11 09:30

Thrown Into Sharp Relief

A 3-year-old girl, named Alexandra, recently died from a nasty chest infection. The case was notable, as doctors are claiming that a simple course of penicillin could easily have saved her life, and are laying blame for the death upon the advice of a ‘spirit-energy healer’ who advised the girl’s parents to treat their child with acupuncture.

  1. “Allowing these fraudsters to kill children with their pseudo-medical claptrap should be criminal!” shouts Dr. Eliot Glenn, a famed debunker of alternative medicine, as he slaps a hot mug of soothing echinacea tea out of your hands. “The same standards of evidence-based practice and criminal responsibility that doctors face should be forced on these conmen. Also, any parents who deny their children proper medical treatment should be held accountable for criminal neglect.”
  2. “What happened to that child was a tragedy,” concedes animistic healer Kayla Modi as she hangs amethyst pendants around the room to absorb the negative energies being generated, “but my prescribed treatments would have saved her life, if only they hadn’t been disrupted by the scepticism and disbelief from her biomedical doctors. I can show you the logical arguments that underpin my science, but ultimately, shouldn’t everyone have the freedom to choose their own health care provider?”
  3. “Look, I love freedom as much as the next passer-by who needs to crash at your place,” comments Paolo, a random hobo rousing from a nap on your couch to voice an opinion, “but to me it sounds like this is about the state’s responsibility for the safety of children. Why not just force parents to take their kids to an actual doctor, but let the adults do whatever they want with their own bodies? Also, are you going to finish that sandwich?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, retail stores are known for creating their own oddly-similar holidays in the months preceding any major festivity.

2021-10-11 03:30

Commercial Tidings Well in Advance

The holiday season is commonly regarded as a wonderful time of the year when families can get together, share in good times, and give each other plenty of gifts. Of course, this hasn’t gone unnoticed by the corporate sector, as many big-name companies have chosen to begin advertising their holiday-related products many months in advance. This has left many citizens confused, frustrated, and in need of your guidance.

  1. “This is ludicrous!” shouts one unhappy young adult who somehow managed to stroll into your office, waving around a “New Year’s Sale” advertisement that was issued in the month of September. “Why are they telling us about all these Violet-darned holidays so early? It’s absolute madness. Pranksgiving hasn’t even hit yet and they’re talking about Life Day like it was tomorrow! This flagrant consumerism must be stopped. I demand that you make it so companies can only have holiday-relevant advertisements and decorations during the month of the respective holiday.”
  2. “Let’s not get too hasty,” states a portly, white-bearded gentleman in jolly attire who claims to be the CEO of a major toy company. “Sometimes people need to take a while to think over what kind of presents they should get for their loved ones. That’s why we find it necessary to remind them so early that the holidays are approaching. We just want to give our customers enough time to decide what to buy. You know, maybe you could help by mentioning the upcoming festivities in your speeches. Ho ho ho!”
  3. “I agree that the government should stay out of this,” states Lieutenant General Regulus Larkin, who dropped by your office to discuss border security. “However, there should be an exception for the holidays that are actually important, such as Military Heroes of the Free Land Day. We must mandate that all businesses devote an equal amount of attention to patriotic celebrations as they do the other holidays, like the Feast of Saint Beryl that those Cult of Cyan weirdos are always going on about. Personally, I don’t know why you’d want to celebrate a demented old lady who ate a dozen human hearts in a single day, but to each his own I suppose.”
  4. “The capitalist pigs continue to show their true colors!” cries a woman wearing a hammer-and-sickle shirt and waving around a red flag. “All this blatant consumerism is brainwashing the workers into buying their horrible products months in advance. This is how they do business, by leeching off of the hard work of the laborers and pressuring them to buy, buy, buy all throughout the year, holiday or not. Leader, you MUST ban all capitalism to ensure that these money-grubbers will be unable to prosper except by serving the masses!”
  5. “The blasphemy on display here is completely atrocious!” announces popular televangelist Zelda Sajak, adorned in sequined priestly attire. “Truly, these heathenish money-changers only see Maxxmas and the other holidays as a celebration of profits. Our people are forgetting the all-important meaning of this most sacred time of the year. Let us ensure that all commercials aired during the holiday season contain very strong and prominent reminders of our glorious faith. Oh, and of course it wouldn’t hurt to include a special reminder about my own role in the Grand Design.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parties that are too noisy are broken up to prevent disturbing wildlife.

2021-10-10 21:30

Random Chaos’s New Year’s Resolution: Lose Fewer Limbs

The Random Chaosian New Year has arrived again and citizens across the nation are setting off fireworks that light up the sky in a beautiful and awe-inspiring display. Lighting up Random Chaos’s roads, however, are the sirens of emergency vehicles tending to the injuries and fires caused by the explosive revelries. Your Minister of Safety has twisted your arm to personally investigate the situation, so you’ve reluctantly left your own New Year’s party to venture to the local hospital.

  1. A frazzled ER doctor, Lucy Dylan, begins lecturing you while distractedly stitching a patient. “I can’t take it any more! Every New Year, the number of patients in the burn ward explodes, and need for stitches skyrockets! Fireworks are clearly too dangerous for the untrained public to play with. We need to ban possession and use of fireworks without proper training. To keep the tradition of Random Chaosian New Year alive, the government can sanction shows and hire licensed professionals for the celebration. And hey, if I weren’t suddenly getting so many emergency calls on the New Year, maybe I’d actually have time to watch the show.”
  2. “That’s not going far enough,” interjects a local bird watcher Sancho Long, who is standing by the window, binoculars trained on a vulture by the hospital morgue. “It’s not a celebration for the birds whose sky we’re shooting into! Animals don’t understand what’s going on when unnatural flashes and scary noises suddenly start bursting all around them. If they dodge the explosions, noxious smoke is sure to drive birds out of the sky, while remains of spent fireworks littering the streets pose a swallowing hazard for scavengers. Licensing fireworks operators won’t change this. We need to ban all fireworks, and find less inconsiderate ways to entertain ourselves.”
  3. “That’s ridiculous,” retorts Amir Shakespeare - Chief Technical Officer of the Have a Blast fireworks factory, who is visiting the burns ward to hand out free sparklers to the injured. “Thunderstorms happen all the time in nature, and animals survive those. Fireworks are fabulous fun! If some drunken idiots can’t read the clear safety instructions we supply with all our products, then, well, that’s natural selection doing our species a favor. In fact, we should legalize use of fireworks all year round. Then we can celebrate anything, anytime, not just the New Year.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parents are relieved they no longer need to help with their kids' algebra homework.

2021-10-10 15:30

Your Assignment, Should You Choose to Accept It

A coalition of middle-schoolers and educators have come into the spotlight for proposing that homework should be banned, claiming that it disadvantages the poor.

  1. “Homework is just another form of bourgeois subjugation!” exclaims surprisingly knowledgeable 12-year old Francis Holland, leader of the activist group School Children Raging Against Plutocratic Systems. “The children of the impoverished proletariat have far worse work environments after school - their parents usually have less time to assist them due to working multiple jobs, and they have fewer resources at hand. I suggest we set a level playing field and prohibit all homework.”
  2. “There is a legitimate concern raised here,” says Askia, an annoyingly hipster teacher, who prefers that his students address him by his first name only. “I agree homework should be banned for the sake of the poorer students, but it is a good source of cognitive production. Therefore, I propose a compromise: let’s ban homework, but even it out by lengthening the school day.”
  3. “The problem is these miscreants don’t have enough homework,” argues Mr. Bell, a frighteningly strict teacher, who then takes a moment to admonish Francis for sloppy deportment. “My advice is that every teacher, in every lesson, every day must be required to set at least an hour’s homework. That should keep the little buggers busy!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is cracking down on subversive groups.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2021-10-10 09:30

Power to the People?

Several underground organisations in Random Chaos have recently been spreading discontent throughout the populace about not being able to vote.

  1. “We demand the power to rule the country the way we want!” cries Layla Ripley while being dragged before you in chains. “Too long have you and your dictatorial government been allowed to control our lives! The right to vote in a fair and free election is all we crave! You can take our lives, but you’ll never take our souls! Elections for Random Chaos!”
  2. “If you’ll take my advice, we should just send these crazies down to the dungeons,” murmurs Rinzi Zhimo, one of your political advisors. “If we let them spread this propaganda we’ll soon have a revolution on our hands! We should crack down on these groups, seize control of news media, and ban non-governmental political organisations to keep the people from getting too frisky with their pitchforks.”
  3. “There’s no need to be quite so dramatic,” assures Kaji Fforde, your Minister of Silly Walks as he pinwheels past. “We could let them have their way a little, just to keep them happy, you know? We could give them the right to vote, but not the right to run for office. Then we could just pick out the candidates we wanted and they could choose! We’ve been doing this for years, we don’t want some uppity new bloke trying to tell us what to do.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Auxiliary" to "Negotiator".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is illegal to make racist remarks in public.

2021-10-10 03:30

Nazi Sympathizers Plan Rally

Far-right-wing Nazi supporters plan to stage a rally in the city center tomorrow, giving voice to their violent, racist views.

  1. “Frankly, I’m appalled that the government can even consider allowing this travesty to go ahead,” says prominent Jewish personality Cillian Roll. “We can’t let these animals broadcast their message of hate. Surely Random Chaos is too civilized for that.”
  2. “It’s exactly because we’re civilized that we must let the demonstration proceed,” says free speech campaigner Imogen Foster. “We may not like what they have to say, but in this society, people have the right to argue whatever political view they want, no matter how hateful, selfish, or stupid it is.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former nobles are being issued new identities in the wake of the end of serfdom.

2021-10-09 21:30

The Noblest of Intentions

Outraged serfs are striking in the streets today, after the newly appointed Duke of Random Chaos City flippantly subinfeudated the capital’s West End to a wealthy foreign investor, bestowing upon him peons, mesne lordship rights and a lesser noble title.

  1. “Bringing back the oppression of serfdom was bad enough, but now you’re giving away our homes, us, even, to a foreigner?” shouts a mud-stained Engelbert Watson, proud WestEnder and this week’s executive officer of a local anarcho-syndicalist commune. “The only thing that outlander ever did for Random Chaos was invest in that so-called Duke’s business! There’s nothing noble about perpetuating the economic and social differences in our society. Down with feudalism! Give us back Random Chaos the way we like it. Boo!!!”
  2. “Frankly, you should be thanking me for helping Random Chaos recruit business leaders from all over the world,” drawls the Duke of Random Chaos City, laughing maniacally as he thumbs through one of his many passports. “Remember why we did this in the first place: to ensure an obedient and productive workforce that will help us win a place as a powerhouse in the international economy. Let us quell the commoners and teach them their proper place! Anyway, my old Maxtopian mate from boarding school is looking to get into cotton - are you terribly attached to Gambler Park?”
  3. “We need to return to the good old days, when a noble title was recognition of good blood,” contends Kendall Dawson, draped in the flag and failing miserably to rip a foreign banknote in half. “Our nobility shouldn’t bring dirty foreigners into the centre of our economy; the only people allowed to own businesses and serfs should be Random Chaosian through and through - people like you and me.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, police are arresting costumed characters at comic book conventions.

2021-10-09 17:00

Vigilantes: Heroes or Hoodlums?

Your evening supper was disrupted recently when a spandex-clad man wearing a mask left a hitherto untouchable mob boss on the High Court’s doorstep before disappearing once more into the night. While some have welcomed the assistance of ‘the Dogman’, others are fearful of what consequences supporting vigilantism could bring.

  1. “He did WHAT?” shouts over-zealous police officer Jane Pence. “The Dogman is a menace to society and an insult to the police. Vigilantism should not be tolerated, and the police should have the right to track these people down and force them into therapy to cure their infantile power fantasies. We’ll show others like him that the law cannot be taken into their own hands.”
  2. “I agree, but we’re forgetting the bigger issue,” says Police Chief Namkha Warner. “It’s embarrassing really. This guy who’s probably had no police training managed to catch a criminal that some of us in the force have spent ten years trying to bring down. This whole incident clearly shows us that the police force needs new training and equipment. I’m sure that our citizens wouldn’t mind paying a little more to feel safer on the streets.”
  3. Stephanie Davis, avid contributor to the magazine Anarchist Monthly, presents a different opinion. “The last thing we need is more police. In fact, I think the people would be better off with more heroes like the Dogman. Let’s face it. The police are known for corruption and brutality. Let the people take the law into their own hands, and we’ll have a utopia where issues are settled without fascist pigs telling us what we can and can’t do! It’ll be perfect, trust me.”
  4. “You all have the wrong idea,” says Graphite Lad, wearing a slender yellow spandex suit and eraser helmet. “We can’t dismiss the fact that the Dogman did us and our city a great service. That’s not something we should put him in jail for. In fact, I think the government should pay vigilante heroes for their noble deeds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the armed forces are locked in an expensive and bloody war abroad to stamp out possible terrorists.

2021-10-09 09:30

Terrorists Strike City Centre

All of Random Chaos has been in an uproar since yesterday when a car exploded in the middle of Random Chaos City, killing dozens and injuring hundreds. This terrorist act was traced back to a violent minority group known as the Lilliputian Freedom Fighters, a group allegedly supported by an unfriendly regime, despising Random Chaos for its heathenish ways and political bent, but more particularly for supporting the recent occupation of their homeland by an ally.

  1. “They simply crossed the line!” shouts General Zaheer Garcia. “Far too long have we tolerated these terrorist threats, it’s time that they realise they can’t mess with us. Send the order to prepare an invasion, and we will show them who is boss! Our brave soldiers are prepared to die for their country, all we need is your signature and a lot of money. But what is the cost of freedom and safety for Random Chaos’s peoples?”
  2. “Attacking another country isn’t the answer,” says Darren McKinnon, director of the Random Chaosian Intelligence Agency. “The problem doesn’t lie abroad, but within Random Chaos itself! We should have more freedom to do our work. Protecting our nation from these cowardly scaremongers would be much easier if we had an inherent right to tap phones and other communications, get search warrants whenever we need, and detain suspects indefinitely. Remember, to prevent is better than to cure.”
  3. “No, that’s what those terrorists want us to do!” speculates chairperson Jazz Starkey of the Patriots’ Tea and Biscuits Club. “We don’t want to give the Agency any more responsibility, they’re the ones who messed up in the first place. What we need is to purge Random Chaos of these rats who don’t respect the laws and traditions of our way of life. We know who they are and where they come from, so the solution is obvious: we just won’t let those sorts of people cross our borders and kick out those who are already here. It might seem a bit harsh, but hey, we were here first. Long live Random Chaos!”
  4. “I think it’s clear to anyone with half a brain in their head that this will just not work,” says Nasir Bulsara, a noted professor of social studies. “The people who perpetrate these terrible crimes do so because they feel they have no other recourse to demonstrate their political opinions. They’ll do anything and I’m sure they’re not above hiring mercenaries. You must understand why terrorists act as they do and fix it! What we should do is to reach out to the ethnic and religious minorities and seek common ground! Negotiation is the key! Violence solves nothing.”
  5. “We spit on Random Chaos!” expectorates Sue-Ann Hayes, leader of the Lilliputian Freedom Fighters. “You disrespect our people and our country and everything we are! You spread your sickening influence where it is not wanted! You must change your ways and cease to oppose us or else there will be more bloodshed. You have been warned!”
  6. “Is terrorism such a terrible thing? Really?” asks Beth Osborne, avant garde journalist, discreetly sliding a pipe bomb under your desk. “These people are simply expressing their political opinion the best way they know how. I think we should legalise terrorism as a legitimate form of political commentary. It’ll certainly get people interested, don’t you think?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, orphans would rather live their life of luxury than be adopted by prospective parents.

2021-10-09 04:00

Won’t Somebody Think of the Children?

On your way to work this morning, you noticed an unusually high number of orphans pickpocketing and ‘asking for more’ from passing strangers. Realizing that this may put a stain on Random Chaos’s reputation, you have asked for opinions on how to deal with this orphan overcrowding problem.

  1. “Gawd bless youse, Leader, but can’t ya spare a copper or two for us poor little cherubs?” meekly asks an orphan known as Minuscule Max, who has managed to pick your pocket without you noticing. “The old orphanage is in a right sorry state, an’ no mistake. Just yesterday we ‘ad ta burn our caps and clogs to have somethin’ to warm ourselves by. All we askin’ is that you ‘ave a think about us: maybe them fightin’ soldiers could get less, and we could get more?”
  2. “I agree that these children should not be left to fend for themselves, but let’s not be too hasty about lowering military funding,” reminds your semi-compassionate Minister of Defense who prefers to ‘kill enemies kindly’. “In fact, why do we even need these orphanages? These children are sponging off the government’s teat and all we get in return is a bloated welfare budget! All orphaned children should be sent to military training academies, and then they can repay us for our generosity by fighting for our glorious Free Land!”
  3. “You know, I think our friends in Dàguó have the right idea with their one child policy,” suggests population control expert Nasir Bond while going over the latest birth statistics. “Random Chaos has a population of 2.827 billion and growing. We can barely keep up as it is without adding orphans into the mix. I propose adopting Dàguó’s one child policy here while offering generous tax incentives for the good people of Random Chaos to adopt our remaining orphans. It may be a tad restrictive, but the people will thank me when they aren’t suffocating on the subway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pet owners exercise their gamblers at a snail's pace or risk prosecution.

2021-10-08 21:30

No Rest for the Weary Gambler

With the popularity of gambler racing in Random Chaos booming, the growing number of retired racing gamblers being abandoned on the streets has become harder to ignore. As irresistibly cute pictures of sad-looking gamblers fill up the pages of newspapers, the time has come for government action.

  1. “We’re overflowing with gamblers here!” exclaims Michonne Weasley, owner of the Sunset Gambler Retirement Lodge. “And we just don’t get enough donations from the public to house them all. We’re now facing a choice between turning away gamblers, or putting them down. It’s the gambler racing industry’s fault we’re in this situation - make them pay for homing the gamblers they cast off.”
  2. “Not far enough!” declares animal-rights protestor Venus deJong, wearing a gambler costume to show her sympathy for their plight. “There’s only one reason that gamblers get abandoned in the first place, and that reason is gambler racing. These poor creatures get cooped up in a cage all day and are virtually starved so they race well, all to line the pockets of some avaricious gambling bosses. The solution is obvious - ban gambler racing!”
  3. “Hold on! Random Chaos has a powerhouse Gambling Industry — do you really want to give it all up because of some gamblers?” asks Bhooshit Lannister, owner of the Random Chaos City Gambler Stadium. “What we need is less regulation, so we can race the animals more often, and draw more punters in. Besides, the gamblers love to race, at least compared to the beatings.”
  4. “There’s a better solution to this all,” suggests animal shelter volunteer Charlotte Ruiz, as she fixes a leash to a gambler. “There is a problem, but it isn’t with the gambler racing industry; it’s that not enough people are adopting gamblers. All we need is a national campaign to persuade people to adopt a gambler - and you can set them an example!” Handing you a grizzled old gambler, she finishes, “Here’s Buddy.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's best artists are considered pretty easy to beat.

2021-10-08 15:30

A Patronising Statement

The unveiling of a painting of Duke Erica Farnsworth’s daughter resulted in quite a commotion at court yesterday evening, when palace guards had to break up a scuffle between the Duke and the artist commissioned to paint the piece. Now that the persons in question have had a night to simmer down in the castle dungeon, you have requested their presence to better explain themselves.

  1. “I have patronised this worthless wastrel for six years! Six years and he produces this!” bellows the Duke, brandishing his fists at the cowering artist. “This was to be a present for my dearest daughter, and this sot - deep in his cups I’d wager - vomits up this abomination that resembles nothing other than Beelzebub’s rear end! I demand repayment of his patronage and if not, I must be allowed the right to beat it out of the wretch’s hide!”
  2. “I... I am sorry but I cannot return the Duke’s coin,” tremors Karma de Skinner, wringing together his hands, which are stained with what is presumably red paint. “It has been spent in the execution of the painting, on the finest pigments from Dàguó and the finest wench- er- models for the piece. Besides, the good duke scarcely helped. Throughout the painting he was always questioning me when it would be complete, or if I should not include this or that within it. I am an artist! I must follow my muse! You cannot hold us artists at fault if the viewer doesn’t find the painting to their liking, can you?”
  3. “You say art, we say impious images,” intones hierophant Winston Black, nearly concussing a guard with a swing of his thurible. “This trend for painted depictions of Divine Creation is sheer blasphemy, and worse still are the nobles who fritter their wealth away on worldly images instead of entrusting their coin to the Holy Temple! Condemn these unholy works to the flame, lest we encourage the very worst acts of debauchery and fornication within our very nation!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hundreds of sailors ride the good ship Leader day after day.

2021-10-08 09:30

Who Comes Up With This Ship?

It’s a terrible day. Woken early from dreams of joyfully frolicking gamblers, you are dragged to the naming ceremony of the latest Random Chaosian Navy ship. Lashed by more rain than an Albionian could cope with, the sky is the same steely grey as the oversized hulk of metal everyone is making a fuss about, and thanks to the woolen kilt your advisors insisted was “traditional”, the wind is whistling right where you don’t want it to. You thought it couldn’t get any worse, but just as you grasp the ceremonial bottle of bubbly and utter the words, “I hereby name this ship...” you realise you have no idea what the damned thing is to be called.

  1. One glance at Sandra Yossef, your Minister for Creative Solutions, tells you she won’t be any help today. For once bereft of ideas, she’s studiously avoiding your gaze by pretending to examine a spot off on the distant horizon. What would get her goat? Ah, of course — a cold, efficient and utterly unimaginative name.
  2. To her right is the perpetually nervous Religious Affairs Minister, Ami Falopian, fiddling with her prayer beads as she considers her many religious affairs. You can just imagine her reedy, patronising voice telling you to name the ship after a devout godly figure. Of course, there’s some she’d prefer to forget — who was that patron saint of altar boys?
  3. Resolutely staring past your left shoulder is the ever-pompous Rear Admiral Emenike Malik. What would wipe the smirk off his meaty jowls? Perhaps a dashing, daring name of old, like “Warspite” or “Thundercracker”. But with a twist...
  4. And of course there’s your office intern Kelly Sisko, looking smugly right back at you. Of course she knows just what the ship should be called, but all she’s mouthing at you is “Shippy McShipface” — or at least you hope that’s what it is. Oh, to hell with it. Who says you can’t name a ship after yourself?

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Small Council has more than a little influence.

2021-10-08 03:30

Winning the Genetic Lottery

A combination of careful merging of bloodlines, a small number of “accidental falls down spiral staircases” and sheer luck has left many of your vassals with a single shared heir, who is now poised to become the most powerful landowner in Random Chaos.

  1. “I don’t see the need for discontent,” says Duke Rich R. Daffird, the heir in question, hunching petulantly. “Providence and the rightful law of the land have put me in line to inherit. If a man were to inherit a horse... yes, a horse... you would not take it away, would you? Well, my fiefdom is as a horse. And is my pedigree not noble enough? My mother came from House Gambler and my grandmother was a princess of Barria, after all. Instead, let us be friends, and let a glorious summer of alliance between near-equals begin.”
  2. “I don’t care if this person’s the King of Nova Syrupa!” screeches your brother, after Daffird leaves. “No one outside the family should have that much power in Random Chaos! We must divert these inheritances away from this meddlesome Duke! Forge charters! Hire assassins to murder him in his sleep! Do whatever must be done!”
  3. “There is a third option here,” suggests courtier and serial womaniser Bors S. Jonson. “Ask yourself: why do so many of your vassals have a single heir? Because of the way inheritance laws work. Instead, assert that all progeny inherit equally, regardless of relative age and the circumstances of their conception, and the whole problem will soon be divided and conquered.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, more sidewalk is dedicated to animals than people.

2021-10-07 21:30

Why Didn’t the Gambler Cross the Road?

On a tight schedule, you’re walking from one meeting to another in a building a block away. Just as you reach the intersection you notice quite the commotion as an oncoming car slams into a red-faced gambler on the other side of the street.

  1. “What a coincidence, this is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about,” says ecology professor Erik Humperdink, while discreetly sliding an empty animal cage out of view. “Habitat fragmentation, the process of the built environment splitting large areas of habitat into smaller pieces, is a blight that is checkering Random Chaos. When roads are put through habitats, the native animal populations become disjointed and less resilient. You can lose the red-faced gambler in one of these fragments without noticing, but before long, it’s disappeared from 20 or 30 fragments, and become an endangered species. You need to establish wildlife corridors and animal crossings linking green spaces across Random Chaos.”
  2. As you rush to the other side of the road to make the meeting, Khethiwe Plath, host of Animal World, pops out of the bushes in the median. “Our cities have expanded too much. Our entire population could fit in an area half the size of Random Chaos City. If we decreased our urban footprint, the problem would solve itself without having to build a bunch of bridges! Now, I’m sure not everyone will enjoy giving up their suburban McMansions for more modest city apartments, but I think when they see those little red-faced gamblers thriving it will turn their frowns upside down.”
  3. “Both of those solutions seem a bit extreme,” yells real estate developer Phineas Weber from his SUV over the din of frustrated motorists now honking at you for blocking the road. “The red-faced gambler is doing fine, this whole thing is unnecessary environmental panic. Real estate in Random Chaos is at a premium already, let’s reduce barriers to development in existing parks and green spaces! Besides, I think the suburban environment is underappreciated habitat, lawns are green after all.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parents are fined for sending their children to take out the trash after sunset.

2021-10-07 15:30

New Tricks

It’s Trickster Night, a global event made popular in the United Federation but with its roots in ancient religious practices, where children dress up as ghouls and ghosts and play pranks if not given a sweet treat. You are making your way to your front door, when a small child draped in a sheet stops you.

  1. “Twick or tweat, twick or tweat, gimme somefin good to eat,” she lisps, holding up a small bucket already half filled. “If you don’t, I declare, erm... it will be not fair. Wow! You’re that person wiv all the power. My pawents talk about you all the time. They say, ‘Can’t that dum-dum do anyfin wight?’ Listen, I love Twickster Night. It’s my favouwite holiday. Can you give all kids a day off school, so we can make weally good costumes? Then we can show evewyone how fun it is.”
  2. “Shoo, you bothersome brat,” mutters your Uncle Kalden, putting one sour lemon drop into her bucket and dragging you inside. “This pranking is what I want to talk about. Children running around, creating mayhem, demanding rewards for no work. What happened to industriousness? To children being neither seen nor heard? Clamp down on this ridiculous imported holiday. It’s harassment to allow your child to demand sweets with menaces. Issue heavy fines to any parent who lets their wretched hellion out of the house on Trickster’s Night.”
  3. “My child, I’m so glad you’re here,” says your mother, entering with a tray and opening the door to place six chocolate bars into the bucket of the little girl who is still crying outside. “I’m tired of putting up with Kalden’s nonsense. But I do worry about all those children, wandering alone. Streets can be so unsafe. I say we encourage families and schools to hold Trickster Night costume parties with buffets, toffee apples, gift bags of sweets... dancing, if there’s time. Then, the little ones could safely enjoy their evening.”
  4. “Be not one with the ghouls, lest ye become a ghoul!” howls your niece, stepping forward to deposit a graphically bloody religious tract into the little girl’s bucket. “This Night of Tricks is, itself, a trick. It softens our resistance to evil, encourages us to don the robes and face of the devil, and makes us forget that the mask we wear is what we are! We must ban this demonic day, and the sale of all costumes that let your citizens pretend to be devils, harlots or other evil people. Random Chaos must stand unified, praying together against this evil.”
  5. “Ah, my favourite night of the year, all screams and sweets,” comments your brother, menacing the little girl with a realistic toy axe as he snatches the bucket of candy from her, and slams the door shut in her face. “Delightful japes if someone doesn’t give you enough sweets, or gives you the wrong ones. Nothing makes someone feel more alive than a good scare. Except the lady who collapsed — ah well. Let’s make it a mandatory national holiday for all. No more pretending to be out. Get everyone’s adrenaline pumping with some larks, like neighbours jumping out with chainsaws. Everyone — especially me — would get so many sweets. Talking of which, I reckon you were a little light this year, so...” Grinning, he steps back to reveal your most important papers rendered unreadable by a dozen rotten eggs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, crop circles are intently studied by investigators with questionable merits.

2021-10-07 09:30

Crop Circles Clutter Random Chaos City

After several years of beaming Earth’s location into outer space, it seems somebody has finally responded... by leaving cryptic messages in the form of crop circles in the fields around Random Chaos City. You tried to summon the nation’s leading minds to concoct a response, but only three eccentrics showed up.

  1. “Aliens! They’re aliens I tell you!” raves Felicity Sharp, the Alternative History Channel’s most notorious correspondent. “Finally we can establish a dialogue with the great extraterrestrials who helped mankind leap from the stone age to the ancient monuments of old. This is clearly a depiction of their alien moon. We should study it to learn more about them.”
  2. “That’s no moon!” bellows Kvothe Beachcroft, the nation’s foremost authority on Battlestar Galactica fanfiction. “It’s obviously some alien form of surveillance, preparation for an invasion. I say we rally the combined military forces of The Hatrackia and just shoot into the sky until we hit something! We’re bound to kill at least one alien invader before we all die a hero’s death!”
  3. “Um, has anyone noticed that looks an awful lot like Random Chaos City FC’s logo?” counters Dr. Renee Gray while spreading aerial photos of the phenomenon across your desk. “There’s a logical explanation to all this that doesn’t involve aliens. The circles were probably caused by intoxicated farm boys. Actually, investing in a small program to teach farmers how to operate machinery more responsibly couldn’t hurt.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Patriotic.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, loss of the ability to speak is a common affliction of the elderly.

2021-10-07 03:30

Old News

Decades ago, Grogu Sestero was one of the most powerful government ministers in the country. Now the old man has taken to publicly ranting against your regime, criticising everything from your economic policies to how it is your fault that neighborhood children are running on his lawn.

  1. “Well, it was nice of him to weigh in,” shrugs cool young thing Wangchu Barnes, toying with the latest fashionable gadget. “We got to see how these geriatrics think. Clearly he’s completely disconnected from all reality, and still fighting rivalries against politicians who’ve been dead for a decade or more! I say you go on national television and challenge him to a debate. I hear he’s in the early stages of dementia, so it’ll be pretty easy for you to make him look a fool, while making it clear that you’re not afraid to hear criticism.”
  2. “I think it would be a mistake to entirely dismiss the sage advice of the elderly,” cautions your octogenarian aunt, taking a break from criticising your ‘too modern’ hairstyle. “Your elders have many years of experience informing their decisions, and much of what they say is still very relevant. You ought to set up some kind of advisory board composed of former ministers and leaders like this gentleman, to guide you when you’re in a pickle.”
  3. “Oh please, this should be easy,” smiles Chijioke Gorbachev, a party strategist. “He had something like half a century or so working in politics? There must be at least one action or statement somewhere in his record that will have aged poorly. Give the green light, and we’ll dig up some dirt to bury his reputation.”
  4. “That wasn’t just the cranky rant of a senile old man; it was a leadership challenge!” announces your Director of Ideological Purity. “Sestero was offering an alternative vision, with himself in charge! Let my department handle him, and I promise you’ll never hear from him again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government policies change at the drop of a rabbit.

2021-10-06 21:30

Down the Rabbit Hole

After numerous cases of brief delirium were reported in the countryside, local scientists and health officials have narrowed down the potential causes to a hallucinogenic toxin produced by a microbe that normally incubates within rabbits. Apparently, the close contact rural farmers had with tainted rabbit excrement resulted in their delusions. In response, several apoplectic and assertive citizens have accosted you while on your morning stroll to deal with the issue.

  1. “This is ridiculous,” shouts avid home gardener Alice Cheshire. “I can’t even tend my own flower beds without falling into a psychedelic trance! If I hallucinate one more rabbit wearing a waistcoat and a pocket watch, I’m gonna lose it. We must eradicate this menace, even if it means killing all the rabbits in Random Chaos! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”
  2. “Whoa, whoa, whoa... Let’s not be too hasty here,” interjects microbiologist and pharmaceutical spokeswoman Anita Plaseebeau. “This rabbit colon-based microbe gives us a rare and profitable opportunity to further both our understanding of biology and medicine. Throw a little funding our way, and we can trap some live specimens, analyze the microbe up close, and get all of Random Chaos hooked on it by Sunday.”
  3. “You all keep missing the point! These aren’t just hallucinations caused by poop, they’re gifts from the Great Rabbit Goddess!” asserts escaped mental patient and neopagan Sybil Gambler-McGee wearing her ceremonial rabbit-patterned robe and bunny slippers. “Through consuming the rabbits’ sacred defecation, we are blessed with miraculous visions of the future! Heed my prophecies, and I’ll get Random Chaos on the right path in no time.” After swallowing a handful of rabbit droppings, she twitches awkwardly on the ground while sputtering ill-fated prognostications.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the ethnic makeup of the nation is as bland as the food.

2021-10-06 15:30

Home Hunger

The quality of your meals has been quite lackluster lately. After some digging, it has been found that Ami Gorbachev, an immigrant chef in your household, no longer has access to ingredients from her home country, or any other country for that matter, thus depriving the Random Chaosian palate of the tasty wonders of world cuisine.

  1. “It’s such a shame we can’t import anything from back home due to the autarky policy,” sighs your Maxtopian chef, Ami Gorbachev. “There is so much good stuff I can’t have nowadays. Like Snötballs, Barrybarf, and oh, what I wouldn’t give to have me some good roasted Maxtopian pecans again! Can you please allow us to order little things from abroad? I’d love to get a taste of home again, and I’m sure you’ll love it too.”
  2. “It’s a pity our foreign residents aren’t satisfied with our delicious, homegrown food,” remarks native Random Chaosian Master Chef Emil Morris. “I must admit, when the autarky policy was first introduced, it was hard for me to source all of the best ingredients, but I soon figured out how to make do with what we have in Random Chaos. You should fund some classes for the population teaching them how to cook with less. There are many appetizing dishes one can make with only Random Chaosian cabbage.”
  3. “Nein, ve must be able to accurately produce diese delectable foreign foods,” insists diminutive scientist Plänk Ton, poking an illegally imported hamburger in a vain attempt to discover its secret formula. “Ve must gather all ze ingredients unattainable in Random Chaos from abroad so zat ve can grow dem hier in die Motherland. Zees von-time acqvisitions vill help us continue ze autarky. For exemple, die maxxberries required for zis sauce could be grown hier... in a greenhouse specifically tailored to match ze East Lebatuck climate! Ja?”
  4. “If they miss their native cuisine so much, then why don’t they just go home?” an old man complains. “We don’t need any of their foreign muck which I bet tastes awful anyway! Importing food was a massive security risk, and now I think so is importing people. Send them all back to whatever war-torn hellhole they came from, and keep the doors shut!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, countless government officials are accused of espionage.

2021-10-06 09:30

You Just Sank My Battleship!

Last month the Random Chaosian Navy’s flagship scandalously sank while docked in the Lahabana Harbor. After analysis, experts concluded the primary cause was rust from poor maintenance.

  1. “Can’t you see we need a hand in the navy?” complains Commodore Federico Wu while directing a diving crew, “How are we supposed to maintain our fleet if our routine maintenance budget is so paltry? Bigtopia has better warships, and you can’t tell me they’re a martial powerhouse. Grant me as much funding as I need so this doesn’t ever happen again.”
  2. “This only proves that battleships are obsolete,” concludes Kitty Einstein after watching the newest Star Trek movie, “Random Chaos needs weapons to combat the problems of the 23rd, I mean 21st century. We need to start research and development of an interstellar fleet or we’ll be left behind in the arms race against... I dunno, Klingons?”
  3. “I know the real cause of this catastrophe,” claims Crazy Boris, your least reliable spy, “Blackacre is obviously behind this attack. The signs of sabotage are everywhere.” He takes a swig of vodka before continuing, “The engine explosion was most likely caused by my old nemesis, Ussa Maddox. Give me a free hand and I’ll purge the spies that have infiltrated every level of Random Chaos.”
  4. “You’re all ignoring the bigger problem!” shouts a protester outside your office window, desperately trying to catch your attention, “That sunken battleship is polluting the environment horribly. All kinds of chemicals are seeping from the wreckage, and we’re doing nothing to clean it up. Instead of building yet another war machine, how about we clean up some of our old messes, starting with this shipwreck.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the tax department is having withdrawal symptoms.

2021-10-06 03:30

Smokers Cornered

Despite widespread public awareness about the dangers of smoking, the habit still continues among a sizeable portion of the population. Shady looking teenagers, stressed-out office workers, and chatterbox seniors can still be seen puffing away.

  1. “There’s no better way to end this filthy habit once and for all than by hitting smokers where it hurts: no, not their lungs, but their wallets!” reflects Tina Gibson, your Minister for Health and Ruining Fun, whilst crunching on a celery stick. “Making ciggies punitively expensive with enforced minimum pricing will make most smokers think twice before they buy their next pack and will have them abandoning this habit before you can say ‘cough’!”
  2. “Um, if I may be so bold as to make a suggestion Leader,” enquires Carmen Merkel, your office cleaner, as she briefly stops polishing your photo frame. “Cigarettes are one of the few pleasures the poorer members of society have. I beg you to find it within your heart to make smokes as inexpensive as possible.”
  3. “By Jove, old sport, I have a smashing plan,” wheezes rotund blue-blood Charles Uppington-Noseworthy. “The government should prohibit cigarettes, while permitting only the more dignified forms of tobacco: cigars, pipes, and snuff - but please - avoid the hideous levies on them. Just think about it: chaps would finally be gentlemen again, and the air would be rich with scents of spice, cedar and carcinogens! As for the ladies - well, they should not partake in smoking; ‘tis not becoming of the fairer sex.”
  4. “This has to be the most disgusting habit ever,” opines ex-smoker Hamlet Stone, waving a heavily chewed pencil at you. “Cancer, lung disease, heart disease, financial costs. There is nothing good about smoking, nothing. I’m totally glad I quit and I so don’t follow smokers around to inhale their second-hand fumes. You need to ban all forms of tobacco now! Get that temptation away from me... I mean, for everyone’s health!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the book "Zen and the Art of Dog Maintenance" is inexplicably a worldwide success.

2021-10-05 21:30

Balancing the Books

After selling just 187 copies, How to Repair Your Cat for Dummies was shockingly still the national #1 best-seller this year. In response, a small group of effete, sweater-vest-clad bookworms have used copies of War and Peas to barricade themselves in your office.

  1. “That’s truly shameful,” sighs local librarian Amber Weatherhead, pulling a copy of The Visible Hand from within the deep pockets of her overcoat. “The solution is subsidizing books. The reduced prices will encourage Random Chaosians to buy a good ol’ book again. Infinite knowledge is waiting just behind those pages, Leader. Folks just need a little nudge.”
  2. “It’s not their choice anymore,” declares your Minister of Education, while reluctantly putting down a copy of The Complete Works of Shakespeare. “People don’t realize what they are losing by not reading. If Random Chaosians stopped watching ‘The Brash and the Backstabbing’ and actually read something, we’d have a more interesting, enlightened, and productive populace. For everyone’s sake, make it mandatory to read a book every month.”
  3. “What about us?” asks the best-selling author Bax Marry, already signing a copy of his feline mending manual without you asking. “We are the ones that need help. It took five years of hard work and painful scratches to figure out how to properly cauterize a cat’s cataract. You know what we need? A little incentive to keep us inspired to make great masterpieces. Establish a government-sponsored workshop to help up-and-coming writers. I could teach them a few lessons I learned while writing my smash hit.”
  4. “Uggh, if you can’t write in three sentences or less you’re being overly wordy,” mutters one of your secretaries, while briefly scanning a summary of the erudite malcontents’ requests. “If people don’t want to read a lot, why force them?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, island residents must resort to canoes and sailboats to get to work.

2021-10-05 15:30

Over, Under or Through?

After recent economic growth, ferry links with the Random Chaos Barrier Islands are struggling to cope under the increasing volume of commuters and cargo.

  1. “A government’s first duty is to its people,” says Shinzo Nguyen, head of the Random Chaos Highways Agency. “The best way to serve the people is to encourage auto traffic by building bridges. With bridges we can not only serve the residential needs, but the commercial too. True, it will take a few years of construction and there’s bound to be some environmental impact, but that’s the price of progress.”
  2. “Some environmental impact?” questions Aragorn Trax, your Minister of the Environment. “More bridges means more traffic, which means more pollution. What we need to do is build a rail tunnel. One train can carry more cargo than many trucks and with my electric train design, it’ll be much more eco-friendly. Of course the government will have to subsidize it to keep the prices reasonable, but the benefit to the environment is worth it.”
  3. “More government involvement isn’t what we need,” says Erica Christensen, the CEO of Ferry Nice. “We’re in this mess because the government can’t keep up with the times. Let the private sector run these docks, and watch how quickly it turns around. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to raise the limit of how many passengers each boat can take.”
  4. “Halt this at once!” yells Kareem Jekyll, a pitchfork-wielding island resident. “What about us? Did you ever once stop to ask if the residents wanted all this commotion? Well we don’t! We like our islands nice and quiet just the way Mother Nature made them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, refugees from other nations are flocking to Random Chaos's border.

2021-10-05 09:30

The Great Wall of Random Chaos?

Due to the ongoing wars in neighboring countries, a recent rash of illegal immigrants have been caught at the borders of Random Chaos, prompting many citizens to call for tighter immigration laws.

  1. Klaus May of the Random Chaos National Purity League says, “These illegal aliens are just an eyesore with their strange customs and funny languages. Uneducated troublemakers like these only worsen crime and steal valuable jobs! I say we should boot all immigrants out on their ears and put a big fence around the country!”
  2. Preeti Snape of the Random Chaos Civil Liberties Union says, “We must welcome these refugees from any nation into our open arms, they are fleeing one oppressive dictatorial regime in the only way they know, we must not let them think they’re jumping from the frying pan into the fire!”
  3. “Hold on there, hold on people!” says Zachary Boothroyd of the Random Chaos Broadcasting company. “We don’t have to take either extreme, all we have to do is make a TV game show out of it! We put deadly obstacles on the border and monitor it with television cameras! Those that make it across win freedom and citizenship, and those who don’t, well, let’s just say that our buzzards won’t starve. We could call it ‘Who Wants to be an Immigrant?’!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Avoided.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the amount welfare recipients spend on fertilizer has exploded.

2021-10-05 03:30

Cui Bono?

Conservative media news source Brightheart’s recent exposé claiming that 25% of domestic terrorist funding comes from welfare fraud has sparked an earnest debate across Random Chaos on welfare reform.

  1. “It was bad enough that criminals and lazy bums were scrounging from the state, but now the government is directly subsidising terrorism!” yells Brightheart News reporter Kayla Murdoch, pursuing you down the street and trampling over a homeless man’s sleeping bag to keep up. “You have to end the free ride! Cut welfare completely, and make our nation safe!”
  2. “Hold your horses there buddy, let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater,” says single parent Paolo Tate, ignoring the three mewling moppets trying to get his attention. “Random Chaos just needs its welfare system to be fully managed, monitored, and policed. Give folks on welfare charge cards whose transactions records are sent to a searchable police database. Then anyone making a purchase that’s the least bit suspicious should be brought in for interrogation.”
  3. “Sounds like a lot of expensive admin work to me,” complains Welfare Director Venus Chapman. “Wouldn’t you rather have a solution that reduces government spending but still helps those who deserve it? Here’s the thing, nobody wants to say it, but we all know that 99% of terrorists are from a handful of religions and nations. Just say that people from those groups don’t get welfare, and you can both save money and prevent terrorism!”
  4. “I say unto you that the answer is more welfare, not less!” offers unemployed youth Charlotte Violetsglory, pushing a shopping trolley of ammonium nitrate and diesel oil to the checkout till. “If you increase welfare, then maybe the resentful disenfranchised minorities will feel more supported by society, and become less prone to radicalisation. What have you got to lose?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosians have replaced bears in a popular idiom.

2021-10-04 21:30

Nowhere to Go!

A number of citizens concerned about the lack of water closets in Random Chaos have kicked up such a stink that you’ve agreed to meet the various groups at your convenience.

  1. “I can’t hold it in any longer!” bursts out Violet Sorin, red-faced and desperate. “The need for more free public conveniences in Random Chaos is painfully obvious. We demand the government roll out a program of construction lest the lack of them causes a stain on our good nation.”
  2. “Yes there is a need for more public facilities, but that is such a bog standard solution and would generate so much paperwork,” says Luigi Loo, head of Random Chaos’s largest plumbing contractor, Go With The Flow. “Take the plunge with us and we’ll give Random Chaos the fanciest conveniences in The Hatrackia. I admit this might require customers to spend a penny or two, but they’ll feel flushed with success when they see what they get in return.”
  3. “I have another solution!” cries Cho Bradbury, spokesbeing of eccentric primitivist group Nature’s Call as they take a stool by your desk. “I suggest you wash your hands of the matter by closing what facilities there are, and allow citizens to get back to basics by making it legal for any of us to use the nearest bush.” A twig that you hadn’t previously noticed falls from their hair.

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia fell from "Negotiator" to "Auxiliary".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no animal is considered endangered if there's another that looks kind of like it.

2021-10-04 15:30

Gamblers Breed Contempt

A legal battle is raging between the Random Chaos Department of Life, The Universe, and Environment and Kay Rumble Property Development Group. While surveying for a luxury condominium complex, a rare gambler subspecies, the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark gambler, was found traipsing around the proposed build site, potentially holding up construction.

  1. “I’m all for protecting truly endangered animals,” grumbles Harley Gutnick, the head of the housing firm, “but you can’t walk ten feet in Random Chaos without tripping over a gambler. So what if these particular ones have a different spot on their underbellies or whatever? I’m trying to build houses for people — your people — and I keep running into red tape because of these damn hippies! We need to loosen these protection laws so I can get on with my job.”
  2. “But the three-striped, er... or was it four-toed gambler, is truly unique!” squeals Luther Nelson, a noted environmentalist, while nursing a baby gambler. “This subspecies is rare enough without these greedy opportunists destroying the only habitat they have left. These poor darlings need our protection. If an endangered species, subspecies, or genetically diverse population has been spotted, no form of molestation or habitat destruction should be allowed.”
  3. “With all due respect, you’re huffing and puffing over a truly simple matter,” chastens Samus Tolkien, an amateur carpenter, while patting your shoulder gently. “We don’t need to drive these creatures nor land-development to extinction. If we require developers create new habitat to replace whatever endangered populations they destroy, then everybody wins, don’t they? I’m sure the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark gambler will adapt just fine to their new, man-made habitats.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, commuters are denied boarding for attempting to bring packed lunches onto trains.

2021-10-04 09:30

Putrid Predicament

A sudden rise in the popularity of stinky foods has hit Random Chaos. Increasing numbers of commuters are ferrying the offensive foodstuffs on public transport, clogging vehicles in an unpleasant stench and repulsing fellow riders.

  1. “They smell absolutely, utterly vile, Leader!” complains Natalia Steele, a regular commuter. “That bloody overpowering stench of stinky foods like that of durians can persist for several days, rendering enclosed spaces like trains or buses a horrible nightmare for commuters such as myself. You should prohibit all foul foods from being brought onto public transport, and spare our noses from this malodorous, agonizing assault.”
  2. “We haven’t even mentioned the danger that they pose!” adds the obsessive Minister of Public Safety, passing you an informative pamphlet on food safety. “Other putrid foods like mature bries can harbor mold that act as vectors for food-borne diseases, and durians have hazardously sharp spikes that can cause serious injuries. They pose major health risks towards our people that we cannot overlook! In order to prevent a public health disaster, we must banish every single one of these foodstuffs from our nation.”
  3. “This is simply unbelievable!” rages obscure food connoisseur Usman Bulsara, while handing out fermented tofu. “I’ll have you know that these redolent foods are a gift from the gods, and dismissing any of them because of their unique aromas is simply childish. Why should the gastronomic cognoscenti be denied such delectable delicacies due to a few overly sensitive neurotics? In fact, I think it is imperative you promote these foods as national dishes and have them served during state dinners.”
  4. “I believe that the ‘joys’ of stinky foods would be better appreciated on the battlefield,” mutters Calvin Hayes, the army’s Head Researcher, as he cracks open the husk of a durian with a sinister grin on his face. “It is clear that their potent stenches are simply unparalleled in their power. If we were to extract, intensify, and mass produce each of the repulsive chemical compounds in the foodstuffs that cause this, then we would be able to employ them as chemical weapons against our adversaries! Nobody would stand in our way once we let them rip!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens have voted the song "Leader Smells Like A Gambler" as their new national anthem.

2021-10-04 04:00

Sound Judgement

At a recent international sporting event, Bigtopian fans proudly sung their national anthem: Bigger And Cleverer. Meanwhile, the Random Chaosians in the crowd each sang half a dozen different tunes, highlighting the fact that Random Chaos still doesn’t have an official national anthem.

  1. “We need to have a grand old national anthem,” reminiscences retired war veteran Hillary Miller. “It ought to be a strong, rousing tune to unite a broken nation. A proud tune for a proud people! Put in some references to a flag stained in the blood of the enemy: if the unpatriotic moralising minority doesn’t like it, then they can get the heck out!”
  2. “That’s not what Random Chaos stands for in our modern age,” rebuffs avant-garde composer Matt Stromburg. “We’re a pan-cultural nation of pan-humanity. I’ve composed an audiotheatrical tribute to the tribe of all life, with whale-song, echoing voices in ethnic dialects, and the laughter of children. I call it The Peace of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Riiiiight. A whale-song national anthem? He can definitely ‘PEACE OFF’!” replies annoying pun-spitting radio DJ Shelia Cage. “Of CHORUS we need something catchier and poppier. We shouldn’t be aVERSE to a bit of JINGLEISM. Why not let the listeners vote for an anthem? You could call it... COUNTRY’S music. Ha ha, I’m so funny!”
  4. “We don’t need subject matter to worry about or lyrics for the plebs to sing,” chimes in snobby classical musician Aria Hester, smacking your staffer’s head with a flute. “We must create a modern masterpiece, a magnum opus that will raise Random Chaos’s spirits, a musical composition to define our nation. Summon the nation’s greatest composers and an orchestra of the finest musicians. We’ll give you a National Symphony and an anthem that will last forever!”
  5. “National anthem? Bah!” scoffs resident anarchist and constant thorn-in-your-side Evan Patel. “We don’t need this government forcing that patriotic drivel down our throats! Besides, most Random Chaosians are terrible singers! That’s the last thing I want to hear at a football game!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sales of disinfectant wipes have skyrocketed.

2021-10-03 21:30

Tainted Tattoos

There has been a rise in infection rates across the country from unsterilized tattoo needles. Health advocates have called on the government to impose safety standards on tattoo parlors across Random Chaos.

  1. “This can’t go on!” cries Edgar Turnbull of the Random Chaosian Health and Safety Board. “The government needs to regulate tattoo artists and ensure that minimal health and safety practices are being followed. Otherwise, we’ll have a full-blown crisis on our hands. Did you know that some tattoo artists don’t even sterilize their equipment? That’s risking all kinds of disease!”
  2. “This is ridiculous!” exclaims tattoo artist Kathryn Claus as she inks one of your staffers with a skull tattoo. “Why punish all of us because a minority don’t use clean needles? We need less state interference, not more. Word of mouth, not government regulation, will put the ones who infect their customers out of business. It’s common sense!”
  3. “It’s about time this country banned body modification altogether!” condemns controversial religious speaker Ozai Johnson. “Tattoos, piercings, and - ugh - fake nails, are all disgusting and offensive against the Creator. Holy books from all religions clearly indicate that this modification is a sin. Put some funding into religion and religious education instead to bring forward these lost souls so we can show them the true path of righteousness.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, awkward tourists are offered the 'unique experience' of rodeo clown.

2021-10-03 15:30

Fun in the Sun

Neighbouring Bigtopia has gone on a tourism promotion overdrive, with spectacular advertising that is bound to attract visitors in their droves. Worried by the likely fall in foreign arrivals, your Tourism Minister has suggested an area of Random Chaos be marked for development. However, what area should be selected and what type of activities should be promoted?

  1. “Oi guv’nor, what them tourists want is to feast their peepers on real life, with real people,” suggests ‘Acksaw ‘Arry, a colourful gent, who has an equally colourful association with the law. “Spend a few bob building up the working-class areas of Random Chaos City. We’ll take them tourists round our gaffs, get their laughing gear round a few Dame Ednas, and have a knees-up round the ol’ Joanna.” One of your aides, who is from that area of Random Chaos City, translates: “He said that the tourists should experience traditional home hospitality, with beverages and a sing-a-long.”
  2. “One proposes that you send those tourists to one’s stately home,” opines Rubert Holdsworth-Wellington, an eminent member of Random Chaos City’s old money. “There’s acres of room, literally. There will be fine dining available throughout their stay and for entertainment they may savour some outdoor pursuits. For example: one’s two-acre maze, horse-riding and of course, learning the skill of hedge artistry. Just pay one a stipend for allowing those riff-raff into one’s home.”
  3. “Y’all shouldn’t listen to those guys; they’re all hat and no cattle!” states Chuck Butch III, whose riding spurs barely fit through your door. “Send those tourists to my ranch; there ain’t nothin’ bigger or better. We’ll show them how to herd cattle, use a lasso, and treat them to the biggest darn steak they’ve ever seen! With a bit of extra moolah from the gov’ment, I’ll set up a rodeo. Yee-haa!”
  4. “Yodel-lay-ee-dee,” exclaims Frau Helga Krapps, who is trying to set a new fashion statement with her pinny. “Ze tourists vould be much better coming to my ski resort in der Alpen region of Random Chaos. They can stay in mein beautiful chalets overlooking ze pistes. Ve have skiing, snowboarding und sledging for ze little munchkins. I just vant ze government to let us put artificial snow on the slopes for drier seasons. Danke!”
  5. “Hey man, we should, like, promote sustainable ecotourism,” insists Dylan, a tatty looking fellow who you swear just had a small creature rummaging around in his beard. “Our countryside is pretty cool, Leader. The government should make laws to protect our forests and rivers; then those tourist dudes will come in swarms to marvel at Mother Nature’s creations, man!”
  6. “Get off my property!” yells Pericles Goldsmith, who is rumoured to be the grumpiest man in all of Random Chaos. “I don’t want no tourists coming over here and having fun, especially near me. Hey, you tourists! No fun, do you hear? Folks used to be able to have fun ‘round here, then some tourists came along and started having some fun - ruined it for everyone. Tell them tourists they’re not welcome here!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a petition to improve Random Chaosian literacy is mostly signed with cross-marks.

2021-10-03 09:30

A Textbook Cover-Up?

The newest edition of the nation’s leading history textbook, Random Chaos: A Complete Record, has generated serious controversy after critics noted the omission of an infamous massacre that nearly led to the extinction of an aboriginal Random Chaosian tribe.

  1. “The omission was a deliberate choice,” declares CEO Doris Yeltsin of McBlah-Shill, the publisher who issues the textbook in question. “There is a serious lack of primary source information regarding the event, so anything we publish would rely heavily on unreliable secondhand accounts.” Leaning in a little closer and speaking lower so only you can hear, she adds: “The fact is, schools are less inclined to invest in material that is both depressing and uncomfortable to talk about. It turns out that parents would prefer their children receive the most positive image of our country possible, and tend to complain otherwise.”
  2. “Take a wild guess why original documentation on this topic is so sparse!” exclaims indigenous Random Chaosian Jean-Luc Erso as he spits into your complimentary copy of the offending textbook before slamming it shut. “Your mainstream society has made every effort to conceal or destroy any evidence that might shed light on these atrocities, and with this latest incident you risk repeating the mistakes of the past. Please, Leader, we mustn’t whitewash the historical narrative. Regardless of how painful it may be, we owe it to ourselves and to the victims of this genocide — to my people — to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
  3. “So what if some dumb event got left out?” stammers your nephew, a straight-D student attending the prestigious Springtide High. “You can’t expect a country’s entire history to fit into a single textbook! Plus, with all the subjects we’re required to learn already, it’s any wonder we retain anything at all! I say we cut the humanities altogether — history, philosophy, the arts — heck, even reading! Who cares as long as kids can speak the language?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader's former secretary was last sighted on her new yacht.

2021-10-03 03:30

Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte

Your personal assistant, Charlotte Sweet, has threatened to tell the newspapers you had an affair with her unless you give her lots of money.

  1. “Even if you never went near her, we can’t let this story get out,” says your Chief of Staff. “Think of the scandal! No, no, no. Pay her. Pay the tabloids. Pay anyone who’s ever heard the word affair! Pay them as much as it takes to make this disappear. Sure, this might be a quick and dirty solution, but sometimes you have to put your career first.”
  2. “We just have to make sure she doesn’t win over the public with her deceptions,” counsels your attorney, Kerath Berenstein. “Force all the newspapers to expose her as a liar. Release statements saying you stand by your family. Drastic measures must be taken to ensure media truth! Now let’s prep your testimony. Repeat after me: I did not have an affair with that woman.”
  3. “Maybe this little problem really isn’t a dilemma,” opines your press advisor, Peggy Guterres. “We live in modern times, and I don’t think the public care about who sleeps with whom. You’re better off seizing the initiative and telling the world about every relationship you’ve had in a series of memoirs. Make it juicy enough to be exciting, and at the very least people will say you’re honest. People don’t say that a whole lot about politicians these days.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian watches list strained wrists as a common side effect.

2021-10-02 21:30

A Timely Intervention

You and your cabinet are on a tour of the nearby Random Chaos Watch Factory, which has long been famous throughout all of The Hatrackia. The poor state of the factory — and its rapidly declining sales figures, carelessly left on the manager’s desk — are clear for all to see. Shuffling by your side, the manager sighs: “Leader, we’ve had some tough years here. But we don’t know what to do to bring the good days back.”

  1. “The issue here is competition from emerging technology,” proffers your Minister of Science and Technology Dr. Jonathan Osterman, shaking his head at the sight of a dusty lathe. “These watches are outdated compared to the latest Skandilundian quartz watches. We need a nuclear option to adjust the balance. Atomic clocks are well known for their accuracy, so what if we started producing atomic watches? The watches may be slightly bulkier than we’re used to and our watchmakers will need some training in the correct handling of caesium, but with a little government funding and innovation in compact atomic design, our watch market will explode... erm, figure of speech.”
  2. “The solution is moving back in time, not forwards,” muses your Minister of Culture Vanna Pond. “Mechanical watches from Smalltopia are still very popular. They have 27 rubies throughout the movement. Rubies! They put jewels in their watches! Go back to the timekeeping of yesteryear, and cater to the luxury watch market. My Ministry will organize an annual The Hatrackia Luxury Watch Expo to promote the watches on the international stage! Sure, mechanical watches aren’t as accurate, and they will be more expensive, but to own a timeless piece of reproduction horological history? Truly priceless.”
  3. “Atoms? Jewels? Those watches would never survive a hard day’s work,” bemoans your Minister of Labor Cassandra Whedon. “If a watch can’t survive being hit by a hammer or cut by a sickle, then it is useless in the workplace. Focus on the mass production of cheap and indestructible watches, to equip the international proletariat with the tools they need to keep running on the same beat. It will take generous government subsidies to allow the factory to cater to a larger market, but all the workers of The Hatrackia will thank you.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, thousands of former welfare recipients are in a revolutionary uproar as the rest of society is enjoying a hefty tax break.

2021-10-02 15:30

To Bail or Not to Bail?

A recent severe crash in the stock market of Random Chaos and a plummet of the value of the chip has brought the issue of government bailouts to the forefront of the national agenda.

  1. “We need to do something now! The people’s welfare — not to mention all my side businesses — are in serious danger!” screams your finance minister Tamara Kettering. “We need an extensive support program for the businesses that make our country great, otherwise we might as well join ranks with those... third-world countries,” he shudders. “Never mind that all the businesses on this list are owned by my relatives!”
  2. “You’re talking about doing what!?” screams Björk Rifkin, a noted fiscal conservative and libertarian scholar. “Government bailouts won’t solve anything. They’ll only redistribute wealth to those the government happens to favor at that particular moment, while placing a crushing burden onto everybody else. The government must instead cut taxes across the board and axe all unnecessary social programs, particularly our welfare system.”
  3. “This brings up an interesting point,” remarks socialist author Gruffydd Young. “Why do we allow businesses to become “too big to fail?” The solution, surely, is to break up businesses before they reach such a size that they threaten our economy. Imagine it: community-based businesses, run for the benefit of the little people, not faceless, money-grubbing investment banks! Is there really a reason corporations need to be big?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, joggers are often arrested for breathing too heavily.

2021-10-02 09:30

Every Breath You Take

While another treacherous dissident was being dragged off to execution for not applauding with adequate fervor during your last national address, Yasmin Wickwire, your Minister of Law and Order, happened to overhear him yell, “The Random Chaosian government might as well outlaw breathing next!” Upon hearing this, she immediately rushed to your office, where she now stands with a wicked smile on her face.

  1. “Why didn’t I think of this sooner?” asks the Minister, bouncing up and down on her tiptoes. “With a law against breathing on the books and a bit of selective enforcement, this will be a panacea. We won’t have to bother with the work of spying and coming up with trumped-up charges; anyone that we have the faintest inkling of being disloyal can simply be arrested for violating the breathing statute and be done with it.”
  2. “Maybe the fact that we’re even considering this says that Random Chaos has gotten just a tiny bit too... uh... authoritarian,” whispers Cortana Douglas, a low-level aide, while shaking uncontrollably with fear. “Maybe we could give the people just a tiny bit more freedom of thought and the like? I’m not talking anything too radical. I love your glorious regime as much as the next Random Chaosian, but maybe a bit of exchange of ideas between citizens could make it even better?” She glances at your Minister of Law and Order nervously, and then hastily continues. “Or not. Whatever you think is best! Gotta run!”
  3. “While I don’t support outlawing breathing outright, I do think there’s something to this,” states Ilya Levi, a cranky old man who has somehow wandered into your office. “Like those annoying mouth-breathers sitting next to you just gasping away while you’re trying to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee. Or those neighbors that keep you up all night with their loud snoring. No, breathing is fine; just make sure everyone keeps it quiet.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Auxiliary" to "Negotiator".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the national arsenal is full of sound and fury signifying nothing.

2021-10-02 03:30

The Magic’s Gone

The government’s stance endorsing the practice of magic and sorcery has always raised some eyebrows amongst world leaders. Now it seems that spells that ought to work are not giving repeatable results, and sometimes don’t seem to do anything at all. A cabal of five magi have come to advise you on the reasons for these sorcerous failings.

  1. “Magic ebbs and flows like the tide. Today, a spell fails — tomorrow, it succeeds beyond your expectations,” explains Magical Headmaster Godric Elminster. “If you encounter setbacks, you keep your chin up and march on. Have a little faith in the High Art, and in the powers of magic that exist invisibly all around us.”
  2. “Hold on, maybe we need to be more active in looking for an answer,” suggests Arcanist Rowena Dresden. “If we want to cast spells, we’re going to need a source of magical power. I suggest we set up an agency to hunt down legendary artifacts and mythical creatures. If only we knew more about fabulous beasts and where to find them, I’m sure we could get our thaumaturgy flowing.”
  3. “Look, the important thing here is not how much power you wield, but how much power you appear to wield,” suggests Salazar Constantine, a street wizard, lighting up a cigarette despite the No Smoking sign in clear view. “You need to make announcements that Random Chaos’s magical puissance is growing on a daily basis, and arrange for a few large scale stage illusions to back up that lie. This will have practical benefits too: as the scepticism of the masses decreases, magic will flow back into the world, enabling true wizards like me to cast real spells for you. Honest truth, guv, would I lie to you?”
  4. “Let’s not be afraid to name magic as a failed experiment,” offers ever-practical will-worker Helga Ged. “Look, we all wanted magic to be the solution to our problems, but when it comes down to it, hard work and elbow grease are what gets things done. Me, I’m putting down my wizard’s staff and taking up a fishing rod. It’s time we got back to basics.”
  5. “Actually, my own spells have been working fine,” reports a smug little alchemist, who insists he must not be named. “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy’s first law of Equivalent Exchange. Make the necessary sacrifices and you’ll find that there’s magical power aplenty to be had.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bike rage is all the rage.

2021-10-01 21:30

Life in the Bike Lane

Tragedy struck Random Chaos City when a cyclist was killed by a transport truck, making this the thirteenth such incident in the past few weeks. This has propelled activists to peddle the idea of creating additional bike lanes in Random Chaos’s cities.

  1. “What do we want? Bike lanes! When do we want them? Now!” chants cyclist Nosipho Powell, five-time winner of the Tour de Random Chaos competition. “Many of us in the big cities rely on our bikes to go about our daily business. If anything, more cyclists on the streets will mean fewer cars, and that means less congestion. Less congestion means less pollution, and that makes everyone healthier in the long run. It may be more inconvenient for the motorists, but if they don’t like it, they can go honk themselves.”
  2. “Haven’t these road hogs heard of a sidewalk?” wheezes decidedly unhealthy city councilor Walter Wiener, whose son was behind the wheel of the truck. “Bike lanes are like swimming with the sharks - sooner or later you’re going to get bitten. Roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks, not for people on bikes. Bike lanes are dangerous and expensive to maintain. We ought to stop them and paint over existing ones before more people are killed and we end up like Dàguó.”
  3. “I agree with the councilor with the... obvious health issues,” chimes in an auto industry lobbyist while playing with your nephew’s toy cars. “People are sick of these damn cyclists who think they own the roads. It’s their own fault that they end up hurt or killed. What if people had to pass a test before being allowed to ride a bike, like we do with cars? This will mean there are fewer idiot cyclists who think they’re invincible. That, my friend, is what will make our cities safer.”
  4. “What if bikes were the only way people went about their commute?” suggests the leader of the Viva la Pedalution! advocacy group. “Let’s face it, these incidents are going to keep on happening because of these selfish and incompetent motorists. Riding a bike is much healthier and far less dangerous. The government needs to declare Random Chaos a ‘car-free zone’ and completely redesign urban planning to accommodate cyclists. Short-term complications, yes, but long-term gains!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreigners with shady pasts are fleeing the country.

2021-10-01 15:30

Bigtopian Bigwigs Beset Border

Following a bitter civil-conflict in Bigtopia that led to the overthrow of a dictatorial regime, leading officials from the deposed government are seeking refuge in Random Chaos. The new Bigtopian government is accusing these people of war crimes, and has demanded their extradition.

  1. Your Minister for Foreign Affairs, Efthamia Hawkins, echoes the pleas of the international community, “These individuals are responsible for decades of oppression, the genocide of millions of Bigtopians, and horrific war crimes - their leader isn’t called ‘The Butcher of Bigtopia’ for his carving skills! We can’t just step aside and neglect our duties to their victims. These men must face justice in Bigtopia, whatever their fate.”
  2. “I vehemently disagree,” says defence lawyer Peter Osborne, running a comb through his hair and handing you his business card. “Now is not the time for hasty action. Bigtopia is not a stable state yet - send these people back and you’re throwing them to the mob. They’ve committed no crime in Random Chaos, and they’ve come here for our help. Show some decency, and let them stay!”
  3. “I have an idea,” interjects Wernher von Grun from the Department of Defence. “Amongst these refugees are several top Bigtopian scientists. They may have carried out some terrible experiments with WMDs, but can we really afford to lose their expertise? Make them join our team at the Hexagon, and we’ll develop weapons the envy of The Hatrackia. After all, once the missiles go up, who cares where they came from?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's always rabbit season.

2021-10-01 09:30

Alien Invaders

A spectre is haunting Random Chaos — the spectre of the Woodeating Spikeball. With scenic parks ravaged by this invasive species, citizens are clamoring at your door to advise you.

  1. “The ecosystem is in great peril,” claims Thaddeus Mombota, an importer of exotic pets. “These Woodeating Spikeballs have no natural predators here. But there is a solution: back in their native Maxtopia, these pests are kept in check by the sabre-toothed gambler. We have to introduce these animals into our forests before it’s too late. And you know, since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll cut you a deal on the gamblers.”
  2. “You can’t stop one invasive species by introducing another,” scoffs avid hunter Zelda Summers while skinning several rabbits on your desk. “Just give out hunting permits for these Spikeballs, and we’ll have the population under control in no time. You know what, might as well extend hunting and fishing seasons for other animals too. I’ve been itching to bag myself a Giant Lilliputian Rabbit.”
  3. “We shouldn’t be left at the mercy of our citizens,” counsels gendarme Bill Capulet while barely suppressing his hatred for animals. “If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. Let’s send out our boys in blue to go hunt down these vermin.” Frothing rabidly, he finishes, “That way we can be sure every last one of those mangy, stinking, filth-ridden pests is dead!”
  4. “So what if these Spikeballs are eating all the trees?” says thoroughly apathetic citizen Jake Holst. “Nature got along fine for millions of years before we came into the picture. Just let survival of the fittest run its course. Sure, we might lose a few species or ecosystems along the way, but at least we’ll save some money. Forests are really boring, anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, immigrants who carry knives on them are presumed to be chefs.

2021-10-01 03:30

The Amazing, but Illegal, Spiderman

On live TV yesterday, a seven-year-old girl was dangling and struggling to hold onto a sixth-floor balcony railing — as emergency services had been delayed by a stampede of wild gamblers — only to be rescued by Haakon Holst, an illegal immigrant, who heroically climbed up the side of the building and brought her safely to ground level.

  1. “Of course we’re grateful,” begins Yasuyuki Pelosi, your Immigration Chief, as he slams the rule book on your desk. “However, illegal immigration is illegal immigration and we’re a nation of laws. Despite his good deed, I’m afraid that we have no choice but to deport him. Heroic acts will not get you any special privileges.”
  2. “My PR senses are tingling!” declares Cornelius Ward, your Press Secretary, as he puts a comb through your hair. “We should give this Haakon fellow legal status and an official presentation at your office. One good deed deserves another, so make an exception for him. In fact, why don’t you hand out medals at posh ceremonies for every caring citizen? The press coverage will do you wonders!”
  3. “That brave man saved my daughter!” proclaims Daisy Davenport, the girl’s mother. “He absolutely must be given legal status. In fact, you should give citizenship to all illegal immigrants that are already here, as this incident proves that they aren’t all ‘bad people’. We should give them all the benefit of the doubt.”
  4. “So, these immigrants seem pretty good at climbing then?” posits Montgomery Krugman, your Employment Minister. “Why don’t we fast-track their citizenship applications and put them in jobs where climbing is required? There are window-cleaners, glaziers, tree-trimmers, roofers — they should be excellent at those kinds of jobs. Let’s face it, most Random Chaosians are scared of heights.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a paperwork error has naval privateers being directed to attack land-locked nations.

2021-09-30 21:30

A Plank Too Far

A diplomatic crisis erupted recently after particularly bloodthirsty Random Chaosian pirates made the entire crew of a captured Macronesian oil tanker walk the plank. Following the incident, Macronesian authorities have declared that they will sink any Random Chaosian vessel that enters their waters until the pirate attacks stop.

  1. “These allegations be scurvy hogwash!” claims Iago Chapman, the pirate quartermaster, wearing a purely decorative eyepatch. “We ran a shot across the bow, but them scallywags aboard the galleon decided to run a rig and fight back, forcing us to give them no quarter. Word has it that the Macronesian navy has assembled themselves a massive armada, and they be wishing to blow our binnacles to the poop deck. Our cannon and cutlasses are no match for their cruise missiles, so we would be thankful if ye could give us more advanced weaponry to stand a chance against these landlubbers. Arrrrr...”
  2. “We’d like to see those rapscallions try,” challenges Melissa Huxley, the Defence Minister of Macronesia, while hoisting the national flag upside-down to signify a state of war. “These cowardly sea barbarians have attacked our defenceless merchant vessels for long enough. Their home ports are in Random Chaos, so you have a moral responsibility to contribute to military efforts to eliminate them, and should pay Macronesia reparations for the harm done to us by Random Chaosian nationals. Never forget that Macronesia rules the waves, and that those who oppose us will meet watery graves!”
  3. “We might have to compromise a little to stay in business,” concedes Tandi Poe, the self-proclaimed ‘Admiral of the Black’, whose operations haven’t been in the black for years. “We should avoid plundering ships from nations with large navies like Macronesia; we don’t want to be bilged on our own anchor after all. However, many other nations - such as Moltovea - lack a proper navy and are easy pickings. You should enforce a rule that prohibits the pillaging of vessels from countries with naval superiority. Just list the nations that have less seapower than us, and we’ll make sure you get your share of the spoils.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military recruitment numbers are down as citizens object on 'moral grounds'.

2021-09-30 17:30

Conscientious Objectors Want You... To Let Them Abstain

A religious scholar was recently arrested over refusing to serve in Random Chaos’s Armed Services on moral grounds. Small - but very vocal - demonstrations have started over compulsory military service and a citizen’s right to be a conscientious objector.

  1. “Conscription flies in the face of my religion,” declares Beavis Capulet, Grand Poobah of the Order of Maxx. “It clearly states in our holy book that ‘Thou mayest not blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy’. The devout of Random Chaos should have the option to opt out of service. We were put here to bring peace to the world, not destroy it!”
  2. “I can’t believe you are still listening to these spineless liberals!” yells Field Marshal Fleur Holst, setting up a gibbet with noosed rope. “You let these crazy zealots have their way and we’ll find ourselves open to all sorts of threats. Bigtopia would have a field day. Let’s remind these wackos who’s in charge.”
  3. “We hardly need to be so black and white about it,” interrupts Lancelot Pence, your Churchmaster General. “These people don’t want to kill? It’s against their ‘beliefs’? So we won’t make them. There are plenty of jobs in the military that don’t involve pulling a trigger. If they still object, well, we can always exile them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, burnout is common with anti-government demagogues.

2021-09-30 09:30

A Case of Poor Turnaround

The Gambler Room — a Random Chaos City nightclub known as a swinging hotspot — was recently the site of a tragic fire that started with a flaming sambuca shot and ended claiming the lives of hundreds. Fire investigators have attributed the high number of deaths to multiple causes, but most notably the large revolving door which was the only access to the premises, which panicked crowds jammed against as they tried to escape the blaze.

  1. “Imagine being pushed from behind, trying to get through a door which you know is unlocked, but which is providing no escape because of the mass of people trying to get through,” narrates criminal legislator Melody Grove. “The simple solution? Doors that swing outwards. Every revolving door must either be flanked by or replaced by swing doors, and proper fire exits must be built into every building that is accessible to the public.”
  2. “Look, I’m sad, I’m super sad about that tragedy,” says Tamara Kennedy, manager of competing nightclub Random Chaos City Nights, as she pens a flyer for a Special Memorial Tribute Disco. “But do you really want all that bureaucracy putting a dampener on the whole nocturnal recreation industry? I tell you, all those dead party-goers would be spinning in their graves! Instead, step back and let the invisible hand of capitalism guide future fire safety measures. Customer choice and the laws of market competition will result in safer nightclubs, I guarantee it!”
  3. “There’s potentially a silver lining here to the black clouds of smoke around this situation,” mentions your Minister of Surprises, popping up from behind a sofa. “A known dissident and vocal critic of your rule was amongst the dead. We should see this as a signpost to future opportunities. With a little surveillance of our political opponents’ social habits, a little well-planned arson, and a few strategically locked doors... well, let’s just say your problems will go up in smoke.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Ambassador" to "Auxiliary".

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Extensive Public Healthcare.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children crying over dropped ice creams are offered high doses of experimental antidepressants.

2021-09-30 03:30

Light at the End of the Tunnel

A 33-year-old woman, who has chosen to remain anonymous, has been refused state-sanctioned euthanasia by her doctors because of her diagnosis of severe depression. She’s pointing out that this depression is exactly why she wants to die, and is asking that the right to merciful death be extended to allow her medically-assisted suicide.

  1. The patient in question, avoiding eye contact and speaking flatly, makes her case: “I’ve felt like this since I was a child, I’ve been through every medication, seen a hundred counsellors, even had ECT blasting my brain. They’ve all done nothing, nothing at all. I’ll take my own life if I have to, but wouldn’t it be better if I could end my life painlessly and comfortably?”
  2. “You see where this slippery slope has brought us to?” asks Tybalt Mulder, of lobby group 1stDoNoHarm. “You tell people it’s okay to kill themselves, and that’s what they’ll do. You tell doctors it’s okay to let people die, and that’s what they’ll do. What’s next? Murdering the learning-disabled or those with the wrong skin colour? Change the government’s message, Leader. Choose life.”
  3. “I sympathise with this patient’s situation,” says neuropsychologist Bruno Tano, showing no outward signs of being sympathetic at all, “but allowing suicide and banning euthanasia are both choices that are just running away from the bigger problem: chronic, intractable depression. We need a review of root causes, more mental health funding and a drive towards exploring experimental new treatments, like neuroaffective immunotherapy. Spend more on mental health and social services; cut other departments or raise taxes if you have to: this is a national crisis.”
  4. “Well, life is pretty damn pointless,” says Nia Liszt, leader of a new movement calling themselves the Self-Destructivists, “so why don’t we just end people’s misery once and for all? We humans have had a terrible impact on the planet and suffering is inherent to life. You should donate some public money to my crowdfunded “kill-starter”: I’m looking to engineer the perfect virus that will wipe out all human life forever. There’s a little fine tuning to be done, but in the meantime, you can buy access to my existing research, which will probably help you develop some biological WMDs, or whatever else you like to occupy yourself with. I mean, who cares? It’s all ridiculous, anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, criminals and college students are taking an interest in the government's new weed-killing program.

2021-09-29 21:30

Florists Blooming Mad

Bigtopian Balsam — an invasive weed with an extremely short gestation period, rapid growth, and hallucinogenic properties — has infested the Random Chaosian hillsides. After smothering endangered wildflowers and crop-laden fields alike, a seemingly unlikely coalition of environmentalists and business owners have petitioned the government for action.

  1. “These damn weeds are out of control!” shouts the nation’s leading basket-weaving magnate, who insists on being called the Basketcase. “They’ve completely destroyed my bamboo crop and are overrunning everything else! The government needs to back off with these pesticide regulations and let us handle this problem ourselves.”
  2. “For once, I agree with my money-grubbing colleague here — in theory,” replies your constantly overlooked Minister of the Environment, Tanner Silk. “However, I disagree in methodology. All those nasty pesticides and chemicals would do colossal and irreversible damage to the environment. How about we set up a jobs program to remove the weeds and reseed the earth? It’ll be a little costly, but hey, we’ll be helping the environment and tackling unemployment! Talk about killing two gamblers with one stone!”
  3. “Eureka!” exclaims drug dealer-turned-scientist Bawu Bennett. “Bigtopian Balsam’s growth is astounding! Imagine if we utilized their genes for other crops, like wheat or corn? We could plant and harvest it within a month, feeding all of Random Chaos. That means no more importing foodstuffs from other countries! There might be a tiny chance of psychotropic side-effects, but that’s nothing compared to the economic benefits!”
  4. “Use the genes for food? HA!” laughs controversial military scientist, Fleur Grossweiner who, for some odd reason, has been by your side since the beginning. “Bigtopian Balsam is the perfect bio-weapon that can wipe out our enemies’ agriculture! Our extensive research shows that Bigtopian Balsam has been successful in the ‘accidental’ contamination of a few localized sites. We need more funding to begin immediate construction of a payload delivery system and your authorization for its approval. There’s no chance of retaliation either - our enemies will be too doped up to care!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fewer people are bathing as citizens must show ration stamps before they can turn on their faucets.

2021-09-29 16:00

Not a Drop to Drink

Random Chaos has been hit with the worst drought in a hundred years; as a result, thirsty citizens and a growing number of brown lawns are pleading for a government response.

  1. “We have no choice but to ration water,” says Michelle Ryan, Chief of the Random Chaos City Department of Public Works. “We can’t afford to let what little water we have slip through our fingers. We must clamp down on how much water each person is allowed to use. If our more wasteful citizens complain because they’ll have to actually think about how much water they pour down the drain, all the better for the rest of us.”
  2. “This drought is a warning sign sent by our Creator!” shouts a strangely familiar-looking man who has just walked in from the desert clad in camel hair and sandals. “If this nation will only turn from its wicked ways and hearken unto our God, surely He shall grace us with water once more!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, loan operators are losing interest due to lost interest.

2021-09-29 09:30

Payday Groans

Payday loan outlets provide quick loans to financially challenged individuals, but at interest rates far above what banks and other lenders charge. They have become the latest target of itinerant anti-poverty activists.

  1. “These payday loan and cheque cashing places are nothing more than money-hungry parasites preying on the weak and vulnerable!” declares placard-hoisting campaigner Avery Glenn. “By charging ridiculous levels of compound interest, they put their users deeper and deeper into debt! You must intervene and govern the entire loan business: set maximum interest rates, lessen fees charged for their services, and impose heavy fines on violators!”
  2. “It’s none of the government’s business what I charge in terms of interest rates and fees; this is supposed to be a free market, is it not?” bemoans payday loan magnate Cashius Chekov. “I provide an invaluable service to people who need quick funds, for important things like leaky roofs, bicycle accidents, Eckie-Ecola sales... important things. Charging 40% interest isn’t exorbitant; you can tell by the lines of happy clients who visit us every day! Stay out of our business, and we’ll stay out of yours.”
  3. “Payday loan and cheque cashing institutions are notorious for money laundering and other dubious activities,” scowls Chief Detective Florin Modi of the Random Chaos City Police Department. “Do you know how many phony cheques are cashed, or criminal activities are facilitated through the North-Northwestern Union money transfer service? If you want to help stymie crime, just shut down the entire industry. People can use banks, which have much more stringent security procedures.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, immigrants who don't like the taste of Random Chaosian Turnip Chips are immediately deported.

2021-09-29 03:30

Dying for a Kiss

Aria Tesla, a 15-year-old immigrant residing in Random Chaos City, was murdered recently. The unusual circumstance here is that her killer was her own father, who had executed her in an ‘Honor Killing’, for sharing a kiss with a Random Chaosian boy. The father has now been arrested, but he is showing no remorse.

  1. “This is what I’ve been saying all along,” says nationalist politician Gustavus Chekov in a tone that can only be described as a Frankenstein-mix of smugness and fury. “When we let these foreigners into our country, they import barbaric practices. Unless you want us to one day become ‘The Holy Fundamentalist Kingdom of Random Chaos’, you should set up a vetting process to keep crazies out. Maybe a profiling test that makes sure that immigrants share our values? Oh, and make the immigrants who are already in take that test too!”
  2. “And who defines this?” asks Ethel Jackman, a human rights lawyer who is herself an immigrant. “What happened here was tragic, but we mustn’t be reactionary. Maybe if Random Chaos wasn’t so hostile to immigrants, the dad wouldn’t have minded his daughter dating a local! I don’t condone this murder, but the root cause here is a divided society. Throw some funding into celebrating the religious festivals and cultural practices of the world, and bring the community together as one.”
  3. “Am I missing something obvious here?” asks loutish thug Tristan Ponta, missing something obvious. “Seems to me that the girl dishonored her father, and so her father killed her for the sake of his family name. I mean, why are we saying that’s a bad thing? How could anyone call that a bad thing?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, amusement park rides frequently collapse due to lack of maintenance.

2021-09-28 21:30

Are You Not Entertained?

Last weekend, a roller coaster malfunction at Six Hundred Flags Theme Park resulted in dozens of people left hanging upside down from stationary carriages for almost half an hour and one passenger injured badly from the fall after she released her own safety harness to get down. Outraged by a perceived lack of safety, concerned parents are now pushing to have something done about the dangers posed by amusement park rides.

  1. “MY CHILD COULD HAVE DIED ON THAT THING!” vents overprotective mother, Barbara vanDyke. “And the mess... vomit in his hair was the least of his problems: he’s always had weak bowels, poor thing. These roller coasters are clearly a danger to the public. Not to mention that people actually waste money on those godforsaken things. I say we ban them right away, along with any other rides that could put my baby boy at risk.”
  2. “That’s a little excessive,” concludes your uncle, Ozy, while attempting to child-proof your office. “When properly regulated, amusement park rides pose no danger. So the only reasonable thing to do is to hire a lot more health and safety inspectors. That way tourists can visit our nation’s rides and restaurants without fretting about their own safety.”
  3. “That sounds like a waste of money,” says Mia Kennedy, director of the infamous amusement park, after literally taking candy from a baby. “This was totally an isolated incident that in no way reflects upon my park’s safety or popularity. I can’t believe people are panicking so much over a couple of broken ribs and a snapped neck. Everyone knows that necks naturally repair themselves. Let me reopen my park tomorrow, and I’ll have all the ride malfunctions fixed. Eventually.”
  4. “Woah, so cool!” opines wannabe daredevil Tanner Rhodes, who appears to be improvising a motorcycle out of scrap iron and kerosene. “The only thing cooler than feeling like you’re on the brink of death is actually being on the brink of death. Just scrap all those lame safety rules so we can get some real excitement! Super dangerous, but that’s just part of the thrill, man.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Diplomat" to "Ambassador".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nude art is becoming wildly popular.

2021-09-28 15:30

Is It Art or Is It Porn?

Vocal members of the moral minority have been complaining and petitioning the government about the new art gallery displaying several provocative nude portraits by several famous artists. They claim these pieces of work promote prostitution and indecent sexual acts.

  1. “Stop my children from looking at smut! These artists are only perverts pretending to be artists! Think of the children!” says Roxanne Barry, proud member of Parents Promoting Purity. “These artists are only going to rouse our innocent children to commit grotesque acts of immorality! Get rid of their art, and arrest the artists!”
  2. “Well, I see that point, but we certainly don’t need to ban inoffensive art, still lifes of inanimate objects, and such,” says your sister, Agnes Grant. “Perhaps we should set some guidelines for what is acceptable as art and what isn’t. Artistic renditions of people getting it on are one thing. A bunch of fruit in a decorative bowl is another entirely.”
  3. “That is censorship!” says noted art history teacher Earnest Mulcair. “You can’t ban art! It’s freedom of expression; it’s part of our culture. If anything, the government should be supporting these artists and their work, not listening to these prudish whackjobs who are scared of a little bare skin!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people who tease dwarfs are being cut down to size.

2021-09-28 09:30

A Little Wrestling, a Lot of Controversy

A dwarf wrestling tour was cut short after advocacy groups complained that it was demeaning.

  1. “Just look at this!” fumes three-foot-tall disabled rights activist Tracy LeCarré, waving around a poster that you can’t see for the top of your desk. “This isn’t a sporting event; this is a modern-day freak show. It even says they have a ‘midget toss’! I know the wrestlers agreed to participate, but they aren’t the only ones that have to live with the dehumanizing stereotypes. Random Chaos shouldn’t tolerate entertainment that pokes fun at people for their size or disabilities.”
  2. Suddenly, a diminutive wrestler in brightly-colored spandex hurtles toward you, landing on your desk and knocking all your papers onto the floor. “Ha! What fun is life if you can’t laugh at yourself?” she says, as she rolls to her feet. “Maybe wrestling isn’t for everyone, but it’s a lot better than being unemployed or having some boring office job. We wrestlers are celebrating who we are - it’s not up to you to tell us what we can’t do. Instead, why don’t you give us some support and let us show everyone what we can do?”
  3. “You’re all thinking too small,” slobbers creepy endocrinologist Dr. Carrie Santos, leering down over the head of the wrestler and gesticulating erratically. “You’ve got to look at the big picture. We wouldn’t have to worry about any of this if we had a cure for dwarfism, right? Well, I’ve just made a huge breakthrough in hormone treatments that would allow all these people to grow to a normal height, instead of being freakishly small. All I need is some funding to make my project a reality. Yes, that’s all...” She cackles maniacally, though it’s not clear what she is finding so funny.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Avoided.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, officials pull all-nighters to check immigrants for potential links to terrorists.

2021-09-28 03:30

A Wolf in Refugee’s Clothing

After it became clear that a recent mass shooting in Maxtopia was an act of terror by a Lilliputian Ultra-Violetist who entered Maxtopia by claiming refugee status from the ongoing Lilliputian Civil War, Random Chaosians are demanding you find a way to keep terrorists out of Random Chaos.

  1. “We have to balance safety with helping people who are just looking for a better life,” states Minister of Internal Affairs, Susie MacIntyre, while drinking her half-full cup of coffee. “Why don’t we just carefully screen potential refugees to see if they have any connections to terrorists? I’m sure with some elbow grease and stick-to-it-osity we’ll be able to effectively process all these immigration applications. And I’m sure when those poor refugees meet the welcoming Random Chaosian people, the trauma of years of atrocity-filled civil war will be wiped away!”
  2. “Background checks will not work,” bluntly declares Minister of Homeland Insecurities Kanye Simpson, while staring at his half-empty water glass. “Bureaucracies are simply just too slow and unreliable to do it successfully. We need something that’s sure to keep out terrorists. Let’s bar anyone who is associated with Ultra-Violet havens like Lilliputia from entering the country. Sure, some people will be whining about freedoms, but who cares? They’re not even Random Chaosian.”
  3. “No!” cries Clover Moonshine, your Minister of Good Vibrations. “We’d be giving terrorists metaphysical ammo against us. And surely you can’t be heartless to refugees who are only trying to find safety for their families. Studies have shown the most effective teams are from diverse backgrounds. We should open the borders to everyone, no questions asked. I say our policy should be: give us your tired, your poor, your huddled mass shooters. What? We can rehabilitate them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young people devote their entire lives to the faith.

2021-09-27 21:30

Death Doesn’t Discriminate

The working population has become more difficult to sustain since many laborers have been selected for the rite of human sacrifice.

  1. “Only the elderly must be sacrificed,” claims Gerald Einstein, keeping vigil at his grandfather’s deathbed. “Our elders have lived full lives and know the path to righteousness. Why not end their lives in a sacred way? They could rest in peace, and we’d no longer have to kill the working folk. It’s an efficient and humane approach.”
  2. “I’m sure the gods wouldn’t appreciate withered, elderly sacrifices,” argues 55-year-old professor Lisa Love. “You should instead encourage parents to give their fatally sick or otherwise unwanted children to our cause. You should also let hospitals perform ritual abortions, while you’re at it.”
  3. “We don’t need to sacrifice any Random Chaosians when we could, ahem, ‘capture’ people from our neighboring countries,” schemes Dr. Leo Cortisol, your underhanded Minister of Underhanded Solutions, who you don’t recall hiring. “No one cares about them anyway. Everyone’s gotta go some time!”
  4. “It is not our place to say when a person must be killed,” says Rudy Shiomi, whose ancestors hail from the pious nation of Savoiia. “If our children or our elders were truly meant to die for a deity, then let the deity kill them, not us! This inhumane and unholy bloodshed must end, and all ritual sacrifice should be outlawed.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the hit new medical TV show "Home" prominently features the brand of painkiller the lead doctor is addicted to.

2021-09-27 15:30

Ask Your Doctor if Ads for Prescription Drugs Are Right for Random Chaos

Modern Visor, a major biopharmaceutical company in Random Chaos, caused a stir by advertising a drug on national television to help firm up people who suffer from Limp Wristed Handshake Syndrome.

  1. Asok Torres, CEO of Modern Visor, has pre-filmed his argument from what appears to be a bathtub on a hillside with a glorious sunset in the background. “You need to trust the Random Chaosian people here, Leader. There’s no reason prescription drugs shouldn’t be like any other marketplace. Let us put out the information about our drugs and the consumers will be better informed about what they want when they talk to their doctor.”
  2. “For the love of Violet, no!” cries Dr. Falala Cho, head of the Random Chaosian Family Medicine Council. “Patients already come in self-diagnosing with cancer based on a Reader’s Digest article and a rash. The last thing I need is to also explain to them why they aren’t a good candidate for a dubiously evidenced prescription medicine they saw while watching the evening news. Let’s leave recommending medicine to discerning professionals.”
  3. “What if I don’t trust doctors or pharmaceutical companies?” asks Kirby Janssen, your Minister of Healthy Skepticism. “Doctors shouldn’t be treated as gods and patients shouldn’t be as sheep, but pharmaceutical companies are obviously just trying to make a quick buck without regards to what’s best for the patient. What if we had a government-sponsored TV show where each prescription drug is given an unbiased review of its efficacy, side effects, and contraindications. Its a win-win! Or is it a lose-lose? Well, it’ll be best for your average Joe anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lending money has become a major liability.

2021-09-27 09:30

Extra Credit?

A series of cases of mistaken identity from the credit bureau Expertfaux recently culminated in your young cousin receiving a deluge of petitions from aggrieved citizens. Frustrated Random Chaosians, who are beginning to doubt their own names, have called the efficacy and necessity of modern credit bureaus into question.

  1. “These people have no credibility!” protests Theseus McCarthy, littering your desk with the shredded ruins of his credit report. “Incompetent credit bureaus’ background checks labeled Mr. Song as a criminal and Ms. Bowman as deceased. Besides, any attempt to boil down my life into a single number will fall short of doing me justice. Credit bureaus need more oversight, so they can’t come between hardworking Random Chaosians and the loans we need!”
  2. “These were minor mishaps,” claims Leonardo Harkness, a representative from Expertfaux, who appears to be addressing a government accountant instead of you. “Lenders, landlords, and even employers need our services to weed out undeserving clients. Imagine if companies didn’t know who in the blue they were lending to! Credit bureaus must be allowed to self-regulate without government interference. The future of our wallets depends on it!”
  3. “Doing background checks one at a time is so inefficient,” muses the accountant in question, Rosalina O'Hara. “Why not put credit regulation under government control, and research people’s financial history in advance? That way anybody can access our database at any time. I’m sure the police would love to have a record of major transactions and movements too.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens and the Top 5% for Highest Unexpected Death Rate.

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Envoy" to "Diplomat".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the consumption of vegetables is illegal.

2021-09-27 03:30

No More Broccoli, Beg Meat-Eaters

As more people succumb to nutrient-deficiency ailments such as anaemia and kwashiorkor there are increasing calls to have compulsory vegetarianism repealed.

  1. “Humans are omnivores; we need meat!” says Ned Haskell, nutritionist and former butcher. “Every day I come across malnourished children; an entire generation stunted in both body and mind by an idiotic government policy. We need to stop crying about animal cruelty and environmental degradation and start thinking about human welfare. Life is cruel. Get over it.”
  2. “They’re not malnourished, they’re just ignorant idiots!” rants Sun Ono, nutritionist and former animal liberationist. “Do you really expect the average Joe to know anything about vitamins and nutrition? You don’t just get protein or iron in red meat and if we could make this clearer to everyone with a nationwide ‘Getting to Terms with Vegetarianism’ programme so the populace learns how to eat healthily we would see a difference. Besides, meat-eating is a waste of resources, cruel to animals, and a drain on the environment. We must maintain our ban on meat-eating, and, moreover, outlaw all other animal-derivative products such as eggs, milk and honey.”
  3. “That’s it, I’ve had enough with these smug leaf-eaters!” says Beverly Vangelis, while tucking into an illegally imported steak. “I bet it’d really wipe the grins of self-satisfaction off their faces if we made meat-eating compulsory and banned vegetarianism! How’d you like that, eh? The thing these rabbits can’t get into their head is that people LIKE meat. Who’re you or anybody to say we shouldn’t enjoy what we can while we can? Life is too short to worry about the feelings or rights of dumb animals! Down with veggies!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only "purebloods" are allowed in the nicer parts of town.

2021-09-26 21:30

The Ethnic Minority Report

The National Office of Predictive Crime Patterns (Pre-Crime, for short) has been running analyses of murder, theft and other serious crimes in Random Chaos, and has compiled a report noting that certain demographic groups - most notably young Bigtopian men - are up to twenty times more likely to commit crimes than the national average. As your security staff caught a Bigtopian intern trying to set fire to the report in your wastepaper basket, it may perhaps be time for action.

  1. “This is about efficient policing and prevention over punishment,” suggests slick-suited Pre-Crime Operations Chief Nikolai Aran, glancing at you suspiciously as he looks up from a print-out of your family tree. “Let’s focus existing surveillance resources on high-risk communities, maybe perform the odd stop-and-search, and carry out the occasional preventative intervention. I can guarantee you lower crime rates with no increase in police spending. That’s a good deal, and my analysts say you are 93.54% likely to take us up on it.”
  2. “That is the voice of unfounded institutional racism,” says Bigtopian ex-gang member turned youth outreach worker Tabitha Gates, waving a ball point pen at you in what seems to be an overly threatening manner. “Human beings are equal, and all should be treated equally by the law, with no individual or group singled out by the state. Why should we face police oppression just because of your prejudices?”
  3. “In my opinion, Random Chaos is under siege from ne’er-do-wells, and in a siege situation extreme measures are needed,” offers respected headmistress Athena McGonegirl. “These Slyth... er... I mean Bigtopians have proven themselves to be untrustworthy. We should make sure that they keep to their areas of Random Chaosian towns and cities, and only allow them back into civilised society after appropriate screening.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most academic research has ground to a halt.

2021-09-26 15:30

Devil and the Deep Blue Funding Gap

A group of scientists have come to your office hoping for grants to explore the deep blue sea.

  1. “Our lack of knowledge of the ocean is unacceptable!” lectures Jacques Zissou, Emeritus Professor of Marine Biology. “We know less about the ocean floor than we do the lunar surface. The dearth of research is absurd! Were the government to provide more funding, we could perform studies on marine life, underwater volcanoes, currents, and more. The possibilities are endless. Sure, it’ll cost a pretty chip, but the dissertations will be enthralling.”
  2. “Oh sure, let’s spend millions of chips to find out what’s in the ocean. Oh wait, I can already tell you: it’s just WATER,” your budget advisor remarks sarcastically. “There is no point in spending tax money to know what kind of dirt is on the ocean floor. The government should scrap all research projects designed without real economic benefit. The last thing Random Chaos needs is yet another harebrained scheme to study the mating habits of dolphins or something comparably ridiculous.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's police officers are famously miserable-looking.

2021-09-26 09:30

Essentially on Strike

Disappointed with their current wages and working conditions, disgruntled law enforcement officers have voted for strike action, leaving no one to maintain order. A majority of police officers are now refusing to work until their demands are met, in turn stirring public debate over the ethics of striking by so-called essential workers.

  1. “My daily commute is being blocked by the same people who are supposed to be protecting us,” complains Commodities Analyst Zeke Meyer. “Criminals are running wild! These officers are guilty of gross dereliction of duty, and should be ashamed of themselves. In fact, they should either get back to work, or be fired immediately. Essential workers have no business risking our lives for their own petty financial gain.”
  2. “You’d better believe we’re upset,” snaps Officer Dawa Strange, making no effort to pursue as a pickpocket runs off with your wallet. “We dedicate our lives to keeping the public safe, and must always be vigilant, yet we’re paid ridiculously low wages and get about as much respect as the criminals we bring to justice. We have every right to be striking, just like workers in every other industry. Yes, of course, the country is suffering without our services. That’s the point. That’s why you should grant our requests.”
  3. “Everyone has a right to strike, but everyone also has a right to essential services,” asserts idealistic student and socialist Jenna Caesar. “You just have to make sure that there’s sufficient funding and training for redundancy to exist within the system, so that essential services can cover for each other at times of industrial action. If ambulance crews are on strike, use fire patrol vehicles and police convoys. If the firefighters are on strike, then deploy the army. If the army goes on strike... well, yeah, that’s a toughie. But you get the idea.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes and Highest Average Incomes and the Top 10% for Highest Unexpected Death Rate.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children are raised bilingual from an early age.

2021-09-26 03:30

Minority Group Demands Language Recognition

A group several thousand strong hailing from a remote, isolated corner of Random Chaos is staging a massive demonstration on the front steps of your capitol. They demand that their local dialect be recognized as an official language.

  1. Mercutio Hendrikson, your Minister of Culture, has nothing but disdain for the demonstrators. “The language of Random Chaos is as important to our national identity as our history is. A truly erudite individual uses perfect grammar and refuses to speak as those ruffians do.” Your Finance Minister is quick to chime in as well, “If business is required to print every road sign, instruction manual, and fast-food wrapper in two languages, it would increase everybody’s overhead. That means higher prices for the person in the street.”
  2. “Smarker, but ee’s gone blongie ‘round the clonger! Trandy in the blang warked a newtie on the Cheebers, quaff me a duggle if it’s brine. Sorky, hang our trandy high!” says Siko Parkarvarkar, speaking for the demonstrators, in an apparently rousing response that draws a cascade of cheers. After a few uncomfortable minutes with a professional translator, you find the speaker said, “I respectfully disagree with the Minister. Multilingualism has brought stability to richly-cultured nations such as Brancaland; indeed, I challenge you to provide a single counterexample. I encourage this government to adopt a policy of multilingualism throughout Random Chaos!”
  3. Amber Vercingetorix, a radical opposition member who seems to tag along to every demonstration she can find, has her own proposal. “The language barrier is keeping us all apart. What Random Chaos needs is a new identity defined by a new language that we can all agree on. That’s unity without favoritism.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, frequent broken zippers have resulted in safety pins making a fashion comeback.

2021-09-25 21:30

Made to Break

After a hectic work week, you were finally due some time off for a nice Sunday brunch with your family. But as you were waiting for your TurboLux 3000 Toaster to toast your bread, it started frantically buzzing and rattling, finally popping out two slices of bread burnt like charcoal. Worse still, your mother purchased the kitchen appliance for you only 366 days ago, and its warranty expired yesterday.

  1. “Oh, sweetie, I know it is exasperating when an electrical appliance gives up the ghost too soon!” your mum laments, while she pours you tea. “Yesterday our coffee machine broke, too. You know, when I was a young and dazzling girl, everything was made to last for a lifetime. You remember my sewing machine? It was a gift from my sister, and it still works like I bought it yesterday! You should make it so that all products have to have a lifetime warranty, darling. I’m sure manufacturers would do their best to produce durable stuff, then.”
  2. “No! Terrible idea!” sputters your uncle, one of the company directors of TurboLux Household Appliances, spewing out his tea onto his croissant. “If you extend the warranties, people will just break their stuff on purpose to get cutting-edge new devices. I think we would fare far better if you abolished warranty requirements altogether. Why should my company give people free replacements just because they were too lazy or too stupid to read the user manual and ended up breaking their stuff? Present company excepted, of course.”
  3. “The problem is capitalism. Now take a look at this beauty!” exclaims Carlo Max, who claims to be a distant cousin of yours, as he struggles to lift a massive metal box onto the dining table. “My East-Lebatuck-made toaster has been working for three decades now! Obsolescence, be it planned or fashion-based, is a symptom of a throw-away society wriggling in the merciless grip of consumerism. How about you hand over the production of all goods to the State? Without the need for greed, the State will make everything to last.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Duckspeaker" to "Envoy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the year's most anticipated show is "Great Deals on Delicious Meals".

2021-09-25 15:30

Mal Appetit!

Hugh Jass, Random Chaos’s most famous TV foodie, drew a lot of criticism when he visited a world-class restaurant in yesterday’s episode and gorged on expensive gourmet foods in a manner that some viewers found too “appetite-stimulating.” Mr. Jass’ extravagance was said to be particularly disrespectful to millions of poor Random Chaosian citizens who could not afford one of the dishes he ate with their entire monthly salary.

  1. “How inconsiderate!” exclaims Desmond Foster, a labourer whose love for TV is accentuated by his square-framed eyeglasses. “While my family subsists on beans and rice, this guy shamelessly sups that fancy pasta and mushroom thing. My children ask why we never eat white Brancalandian truffles. What can I tell them? Leader, please ban these TV foodie shows so that our children will not have to grow up feeling self-conscious about our financial circumstances.”
  2. “Mon dieu!” grumbles Mr. Jass, sniffing his croissant, and throwing it away untouched. “Do these wretched ignorami not recognise the worth of a good tagliolini con tartufo? ‘Pasta with mushrooms’ indeed! If these peasants have neither the means nor aspiration to appreciate vicarious high-quality culinary culture, they can simply change the channel. I render a valuable service to our economy by giving publicity to our first-class restaurants. So, how about the government picks up the restaurant bills for our gastronomic journalism? I’ll cover the service charge, of course.”
  3. “Ahem, please excuse Mr. Jass’ terse reply. He adores all Random Chaosians. I’m sure we can find a compromise,” mutters Jessica McCarthy, the producer of Mr. Jass’ show, awkwardly fidgeting with her gold watch. “Rest assured, we can arrange to cater for the needs and desires of our under-resourced viewers. Perhaps you could incentivise Mr. Jass to show that he understands all his demographic, and should occasionally visit more affordable restaurants. What do you say?”
  4. “This is pathetic,” sneers Robin Wood, an advocate for equality, picking up the extra croissants on Mr. Jass’ plate and tossing them out of the window to the huddled masses who anxiously await your decision. “These poor, benighted workers fail to question why they are unable to afford these fancy foods in the first place. It’s because of this hideous income inequality! Leader, redistribute our great nation’s wealth and give a standard salary to everyone, no matter their job! No more, no less!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, both vegetables and viruses are often smuggled across the border.

2021-09-25 09:30

Borderline Pandemic

A mysterious new illness has broken out in a bordering nation. Reports claim it is highly contagious and incredibly lethal. Unfortunately, there is no known cure or vaccine for the disease at the moment, and the head of Border Control is considering restricting the entry of that nation’s citizens into Random Chaos.

  1. “Papers, please!” shouts the beleaguered head of Border Control Ezic Arstotzka while examining a stack of entry documents. “That nation is guilty of very lax medical checks and borders that may as well be nonexistent. They might unknowingly send some people infected with this bizarre ailment to us. In order to reduce my worklo-, I mean, reduce the chance of transmission of this dangerous disease, we have no choice but to unconditionally reject all of their people. I’m sure that Random Chaosians have taken all the necessary precautions, so we won’t have any problems allowing our citizens back home. Next!”
  2. “How rude!” gasps Taylor Wagner, the rather pale ambassador of the afflicted nation. “Firstly, we shall not tolerate any negativity whatsoever toward our proud governmental institutions. Secondly, we most assuredly have everything under control, so there’s really nothing to worry about. Thirdly, rejecting every single one of our citizens just because a few thousand of us have a slightly worse cold is honestly quite ridiculous. Last but not least-” Her verbal tirade is suddenly cut short as she doubles over from a severe coughing fit that also coats the floor in what seems to be blood.
  3. “Let’s not be too hasty about this,” suggests Britney Cullen, the Minister of Health, as the ambassador is dragged out of the room. “Why don’t we screen every visitor with an immunoglobulin blood test, and only admit those who test as being clear of the disease? That way, we can prevent them from bringing their sickness into Random Chaos. Better to be safe than sorry.”
  4. “Our citizens are in danger!” screeches Gyunmin King, the absurdly paranoid Defence Secretary, speaking to you through a hazmat suit. “We must insist that all Random Chaosians return home at once! Those that don’t are probably already infected and should be left for dead. All of those strange foreign countries with their strange diseases are an existential threat, so we must therefore shut our borders down permanently to save ourselves. Do it now! Do it before it’s too late!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Devout.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Amnesty Interregional has condemned Random Chaos for ignoring crimes against humanity.

2021-09-25 03:30

A Request for Military Aid

A small nameless nation within your sphere of influence has gone on a genocidal rampage within its own borders, ridding itself of what their Supreme Ruler For All Eternity, Emperor Inigo Pasteur, refers to as ‘those filthy Bigtopians’. Some escaped refugees are requesting that your government do something to end the slaughter of millions.

  1. “They’re killing everyone!” gasps Barbara Wagner, one of the refugees. “I implore you to please intervene and stop this murder of my people! If Random Chaos has any compassion at all then it must help us! With these madmen out of power we can finally go about rebuilding our nation as a land of justice and freedom!”
  2. “Woah, woah, we can’t just go around being a knight in shining armour for every random hell-hole on this planet,” says Freddy Cruz, your Minister of Foreign Relations. “Should we send citizens of Random Chaos into war just so we can save a bunch of foreigners? I don’t think so! Now, I’m no xenophobe, but I’ve gotta ask: what’s in it for us? Nothing but the death of our soldiers and criticism from the rest of the region, that’s what. Trouble is we’re getting too much of a reputation for having a big army. So drop some of our military funding and let them fight their own wars. It’s got nothing to do with us.”
  3. “Well, maybe this nation does have something we need, sir,” says Lauren King, your Military Advisor, while perusing a giant map of Random Chaos. “We’re fast running out of land and resources here, so why not invade this place, kick out whoever’s in power there, and take over? We’ve got the military power, so why wait? If any of those hippies in the region have somethin’ to say about it, they can say hello to our missile programmes, haha!”
  4. “They have as much right to their own internal politics as we do,” says activist and peacenik Rex Robinson. “While their actions may be deplorable by our standards, we can’t intervene unless the legitimate government requests it. It’s just an invitation to anarchy on an international scale, and nobody but a few crackpots want that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all citizens must pass a 'multicultural sensitivity test' to be deemed fit for society.

2021-09-24 21:30

Clash of Cultures

Conservative commentators have remarked that many foreign immigrants in Random Chaos are failing to take part in, or even acknowledge, the country’s rich and varied culture, traditions, and social mores. This has caused some interethnic strife, and reports of violence in minority-dominated neighbourhoods have been increasing every day.

  1. “It’s disrespectful,” says Sherlock Jekyll, serving traditional gambler-shaped cookies on a tray. “These people talk funny, dress funny, pray to bizarre gods, and cook their smelly food. Food I’ve never seen on any LOCAL menu. Some of them don’t even speak our language very well! If at all! If immigrants want the privilege of living in this country then they should be made to adopt our own traditions! Otherwise our culture will slowly but surely disappear! If they refuse... well, then they can go back to their own country since they love it so much.”
  2. “I have a right to lead my life the way I want,” says Appa Putin, an immigrant, with the help of a translator. “I will not forsake my heritage for your people and I will not dirty my tongue with your heathen language. And if you have a problem with that then tell me this: what have I done wrong? I pay my taxes, I break no laws- and yet you think I should change? Those who don’t wish to ‘integrate’ shouldn’t have to.”
  3. “Oh, there’s no need to be like that!” says Emma Wiseau, president of the Multiculturalism Society in a cheery tone. “Random Chaos should be a more accepting country, open to new experiences! Embrace difference, people, don’t reject it! These folk aren’t hurting us or our traditions, they are showing us different ways of life and making us wiser and richer beings in the process! It’s our responsibility to take the first step towards reparations and remove any ethnic bias from the names of our public holidays - how does Winter Day sound to you? I like it.”
  4. “We need to stop thinking of ‘them’ as a problem that needs to be fixed,” insists Kamehameha Dunn, an undergraduate in anthropology. “Integration in society is a two-way street, Leader. We can’t shun people for not following a major religion or drinking their tea with the wrong hand. That’s just silly! No, if we want immigrants to pick up our ways then we should be more willing to learn about theirs! Mandatory education courses should encourage citizens to learn more about other cultures in Random Chaos.”
  5. “That’s stupid,” says Otohime Lincoln, flatly. “I’m not going to ‘bond’ with immigrants by learning about their beliefs! For multiculturalism to actually function, everyone needs to actually meet these people and deal with them on a day-to-day basis. Then maybe they’ll realise that yeah, they’re people too. The only way to do this is to put an end to segregated neighbourhoods - even if it means forcing families to move elsewhere.”
  6. “Everyone shut up, I have the perfect solution,” says Wilkins Scully, shouting into a megaphone. “How about we kick these ungrateful foreigners out of the nation and never let them come back?! We’ve all heard what those ethnics are like, I wouldn’t be surprised if they ate their own young! Immigration shouldn’t be allowed! I won’t abide it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only lightning has a chance of striking Leader twice.

2021-09-24 15:30

O Fortuna!

JACKPOT! It seemed impossible, it seemed unlikely, it seemed as if the odds would not favour you. Yet you, Leader, are the lucky winner of a major cash prize from last night’s national lottery, thanks to that lottery ticket your mother had gifted you for Maxxmas. Yet before you can even celebrate, you realize that your good fortune has made national headlines.

  1. “Leader Wins Lottery: A Directed Stroke of Luck?” quotes Lottery Commissioner Ganondorf Montgomery, reading a newspaper headline with a heavy sigh. “The optics of this are just too damning. We’re being absolutely overwhelmed with angry and accusatory complaints from every imaginable corner! Some of our employees have even been followed home by mobs carrying literal torches and pitchforks! Who even does that these days? I’m sorry, Leader, but you’ll have to let us declare this drawing void so that we can pick a new winning ticket. And from now on, government officials shouldn’t be allowed to buy lottery tickets.”
  2. “No, no, just wait a second,” says your Chief of Staff, polishing up the mirror that reflects your image. “The optics are bad, but we can turn this into a significant popularity boost. Accept the prize with all due honours and fanfare, but declare that the entire sum will be donated to charity. The Wagger Dog Shelter, the Bryce Waine Orphanage, or heck, even the Out of Luck Gambler’s Rehab Centre — take your pick! Just practice smiling through pain, and relinquishing your grip on the cheque beforehand. And hey, I’m pretty sure charitable contributions are tax deductible, which means that you could still profit if you were willing to engage in a little creative accountancy.”
  3. “Did mommy dear put your name on the lottery ticket? No? Good!” exclaims your brother while unceremoniously snatching the fortuitous piece of paper from your hand. “Just say that the ticket was mine, and all you’ll have to deal with is a few angry stares for a while. You’ve dealt with worse! This way, our family will be happy, all thanks to the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42. But don’t worry, if you ever lose your office, your dear, old brother will take care of you...”
  4. One of your aides tackles your brother, liberating your luck from his grip. “Why not just do what any other Random Chaosian would do?” he asks with a sincere smile, handing you the slightly battered ticket. “Celebrate! Be happy! Go wild! I’ve seen you working day-in and day-out for the good of the people. This is your reward — go collect the prize, and start living the high life!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, immigrants are told to pull themselves up by their worn-out budget bootstraps.

2021-09-24 09:30

Slow and Stupid Is the Race

A book on race and intelligence written by a prominent, but controversial, geneticist has caused a mighty kerfuffle with its claim that some groups are naturally less intelligent than others.

  1. “Group differences in intelligence are purely environmental,” argues Phineas Biscuitbarrel, an academic and Bigtopian immigrant, handing his well-tailored cashmere coat to your intern and adjusting his ascot tie. “Performance results on intelligence tests are influenced by test bias and stereotype threat. Wealthy people who are better educated have higher scores, while the necessitous with their poor nutrition never stand a chance. It has nothing to do with genetics. Give minorities better education and living standards and they’ll catch up.”
  2. “I just said that poor educational performance reflects an underlying genetic cause, and that it’s not because of any environmental factors,” states the book’s author, Nomathemba Hackett, as she looks up ‘necessitous’ in a dictionary. “There have been observed differences between the average IQ scores of varying groups, which also show that these differences persist even after controlling for factors such as income. Throwing money at minorities doesn’t help them; instead you should cut welfare for these people to motivate them to study harder and thus overcome their natural deficiencies. This is the only way to help them improve their station in life.”
  3. “What a load of drivel!” declares Vladimir Neumann, a Bigtopian supremacist, proudly displaying his chunky gold ‘Bigtopia Rulz’ medallion for all to see. “The notion that Bigtopians are inferior to another group, especially Random Chaosians, cannot be tolerated. These ‘researchers’ with their absurd ideas must not be given a platform. I demand that you burn their books and send them into exile.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, delicate flowers faint at news of house plants being eaten.

2021-09-24 03:30

Cuy Bono?

A morning meeting with some of your ministers is just starting when your sister bursts into the room and into an angry complaint about how, when her family went out to dinner at a fashionable new Tiquitacan restaurant yesterday evening, her young daughter was brought to tears by finding guinea pig on the menu.

  1. “At first she was delighted to see that they had a pen of guinea pigs, which she thought was a petting zoo, until one of the waiters explained that those animals — which his people call cuy — were actually there so that diners could choose which ones they wanted to eat. She was still crying right up until she finally went to sleep that night. It shouldn’t be allowed! Some kinds of animals are food but some kinds are just pets instead, at least in civilized countries like ours, and the law should make it clear which are which.”
  2. “But the guinea pig has always been an important meat animal for the Tiquitacans, and it’s really tasty too. I remember that from when I was posted at our embassy there,” remarks Alina Kirk, your Foreign Minister, salivating slightly. “Not only should we continue to allow the use of guinea pigs as meat, but there are so many other foreign delicacies that we should encourage restaurants and shops here to stock as well: Skandilund’s reindeer hind cutlets with eyeball sauce, for example, or Tasmanian fermented platypus eggs. Yum!”
  3. “All meat is murder!” protests Ed Rogers, your Environment Minister. “It’s a slippery slope: First, people eat the flesh of ‘domestic livestock’, then they eat the flesh of animals traditionally kept just as pets... and then, maybe, they’ll even ‘graduate’ to putting pineapple on pizza! It’s barbaric! This incident is just more proof that we should outlaw meat-eating altogether.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dubiously qualified Skandilundian barristers keep referring to laws as 'government guidelines'.

2021-09-23 21:30

Clean Switch

It turns out the woman who cleans your office toilets is actually double-qualified as a real estate lawyer and an orthopaedic surgeon. In her home-country, that is. In Random Chaos, her qualifications are not recognised. According to the rocket scientist that makes your sandwiches in the canteen, this is a common problem for immigrants across the land.

  1. “Increasing access to a skilled workforce can only be good for our economy,” observes Minister of Work and Pensions Daenerys Kumar, who has been complaining all day that she couldn’t get an appointment with her dentist. “Allow foreign qualifications to be recognised here, and we’ll have more doctors, lawyers, engineers and so on. Some of their practices might come across as slightly unorthodox, but still: an increase in supply will lead to a decrease in costs, benefiting public spending and private sector growth. We could clean up. Get it? Oh goodness, somebody stop me.”
  2. “You can’t trust foreigners,” states native-born and trained structural engineer Ingram Ross. “Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not being racist, I’m talking about trusting the quality of training. Who can say whether their standards are as good as ours? Who knows what dangerous practices might be considered normal in their nations? If they want to work here, they have to gain OUR qualifications, so we can know they are safe. Otherwise, they can stick to pushing brooms.”
  3. “Hey, they’ve already taken all the low level jobs; you can’t let them take the high paying ones too!” rants unemployed ex-factory worker Michonne al-Assad. “Random Chaosian jobs should be for Random Chaosian people! Make it illegal for employers to offer a job to an immigrant unless they can prove that there’s no native to fill the spot.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no one born in Random Chaos can fix a leaky faucet.

2021-09-23 15:30

Blue Collar Blues

A minor domestic emergency recently left you searching for a call-out plumber, an electrician and a handyman able to rehang a chandelier. Though the sorry incident is now sorted, you’ve been left aware of how hard it is to find good tradespeople these days. Your Education Minister tells you that this is because the majority of high school graduates are enrolling in university programs, which is leaving a major skilled labor shortage in the trades industries. There are ample artists, architects and astrophysicists, but a poor proportion of plumbers, painters and plasterers.

  1. “This is the reason why we should allow immigrant labor,” says Borders Control Minister, Genghis Clark. “Why don’t we remove the ban on immigration, and use incentive schemes to increase the number of migrants coming in with the skills we need, to fill the labor shortages? That way our citizens can focus on holding higher paying jobs while immigrants do the jobs nobody else wants.”
  2. “Wouldn’t it be easier just to get more young people studying trades?” posits Community College tutor Liara Jobrani. “You could subsidize technical colleges and apprenticeships, and even offer stipends to students as an extra incentive to make these choices. You may have to raise taxes a little, and divert funding from further education courses in arts and science, but practical skills are ultimately more important to our economy.”
  3. “Sometimes, perhaps it is best to let the ocean currents move you, rather than trying to turn back a rising tide,” suggests Taiqiquan practitioner Rory Quayle, working through a series of graceful circular movements. “Your nation’s economy is changing, and shifting away from manual work. This is natural, and you should move with, never against. Imagine: as graduates become unemployed, the market self-adjusts, and the economy flows back towards its former shape. As pipes become blocked, supply and demand mismatch results in the free market rising to fill a gap. Energy flows through the system like water, and problems resolve themselves.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ports have ground to a halt as no boat can reach them without trespassing.

2021-09-23 09:30

Nothing Fishy

Due to the recent popularity of Beards of Fishermen Magazine, Random Chaosians have decided to buy their own offshore fishing boats in droves. Based on the number of fishing permit applications, the Random Chaosian Fish and Game Department has suggested that dividing a reasonable quota equally between requesting boats would mean each would be allowed to catch no more than seventeen fish each year.

  1. “The problem is capitalism,” opines noted socialist Bahram McBoatface, who also blamed a recent stubbed toe on capitalism. “The state must take over the fishing industry entirely. Then the optimal fleet size and optimal fish catch for each boat can be determined by the state yearly according to the fish populations. It would also mean we’d spend less on quota enforcement because any boat which wasn’t state-owned would be clearly illegal.”
  2. “The problem is government interventionism,” states noted libertarian Felicity Snyder, who also blamed a recent hangnail on the government. “Let’s end this socialism of the sea! The government must sell its ownership of offshore waters to private entities. It will then be the property owners’ responsibility to determine who fishes, how much, and how enforcement is done. Don’t worry about sustainability; it will be in the property owners’ interest to make sure fishing continues in the long term.”
  3. “No, the problem here is these extreme positions,” notes Kvothe Bouvier, author of recent bestseller Fishanomics. “You just need to auction off a limited number of permits for a share of the total fish catch each year. The invisible hand of government-regulated capitalism will assure the optimal number of boats run only by the most efficient crew will do the fishing at the perfect permit price.”
  4. “I have ah simplah solution than all that,” interjects Renee Harishchandra, an eccentric, salt of the sea boat repairer. “The problem is that modern technology has made commercial fishin’ as easy as, well, shootin’ fish in ah barrel. Get rid of the quota system and instead force all fishin’ to be done with old fashioned methods, and sail boats, and folk wisdom. Those hipstah fishahmen won’t catch a thing and enforcement will be much cheapah than it evah was for any quota system.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Average Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government's approval ratings go down while its turnover rate goes up.

2021-09-23 03:30

Free Credit Reports With Monitoring

After Dàguó implemented a “social credit” system, in which the good and bad deeds of citizens affect a score which determines various rewards and punishments from the government, politicians are pondering the plausibility of using such a system that rates your citizens based on their actions.

  1. “I think having a social credits system is great!” gushes one of your political aides, coming into your office looking distressed. “For example, I would give the cab ride that got me here only 3 stars out of 5. When there are clear incentives and negative consequences for people’s actions, everyone will behave and treat one another better. We can have an information collector in every neighbourhood to see who’s been naughty and nice, and give those with high scores rewards like higher priority in hospital queues.”
  2. “This goes beyond opening doors and saying grace!” barks local philosopher Declan Yossef, barging into your office and slamming the door shut, breaking the doorknob. “People make mistakes all the time! Don’t tell me you’re gonna start punishing those your system deems bad citizens just because they accidentally dumped their rubbish in the street. I’m not saying I accidentally littered... and the information collectors can be bribed! And we should not let the government encroach on our liberties by punishing people for actions that are not crimes. Just forget this idea right now and don’t punish me for breaking your doorknob, okay?”
  3. “Why implement a system that rates your citizens when you can have the citizens rate the government instead?” whispers a mysterious stranger as retro music begins to play. “That way, the old, drab officials in their drab suits can just be fired by you and replaced with more qualified people with more street cred.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, newspapers cannot report anything about politicians without their explicit consent.

2021-09-22 21:30

Derailing the Gravy Train

A national newspaper has uncovered details of a number of politicians’ expenses documents, publishing claims from gold-plated toilet seats to elaborate steak dinners for dogs. Following the publication, the general public is clamoring at your door demanding answers.

  1. “This is the sort of disgraceful behavior we’ve come to expect from our politicians,” bemoans unemployed teacher, Louis Vargas. “Look around you! No one else is living so extravagantly. We need to lower all politicians’ salaries to the poverty line and put the kibosh on these claimed ‘business expenses’ too. Maybe then they’ll understand how real people actually live in Random Chaos.”
  2. “This is quite absurd!” scoffs Ruby Cooper, taking a sip of Bollinger ‘86. “We toil day in and day out keeping this country running, and this is the thanks we get? Newspapers snooping around our personal business, questioning what we need to do our jobs? We incur certain necessary expenses that may look odd when taken out of context - and that’s just what the media is doing! They’re distorting the facts just to boost their ratings. Well, I say their prying eyes have gone too far. We need to outlaw this underhanded ‘reporting’ for the sake of the patriotic values that made this nation great!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the institution of marriage is held sacred and strictly enforced.

2021-09-22 15:30

One Wife Is Never Enough, Say Polygamists

A small religious group is lobbying the government to allow them to take multiple wives.

  1. “It’s about time we had our religious rights recognized,” says Stephen Anderson, a devout member of a faith that is never made quite clear. “Who is the government to tell me I can’t love more than one woman? The government doesn’t know how much of me there is to go around!”
  2. “This is nothing more than sexual deviants using religion as a pretext for perversion!” says Reverend Vera Garcia. “Marriage is one man, one woman, and death do we part. What’s so hard to get? Anything else is a perversion, and must be banned.”
  3. “Multiple wives? Excellent!” says passer-by Chastity Mealor. “Presumably we will allow multiple husbands, as well. And gay marriages, of course. In fact, now is probably the time for the government to butt out of marriage altogether. Let people marry their cats, if they want.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the automotive industry soaks up huge government handouts.

2021-09-22 09:30

Reclaim the Streets!

Several major city streets were clogged with bicycles this morning, as the environmental group ‘Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad’ staged a protest. Several hundred riders ambled through downtown streets, blissfully ignoring the torrent of abuse hurled at them by thousands of motorists running late for work.

  1. “People are sick of dirty, smelly automobiles,” says protest organizer Barbie Wynne. “They’re choking the city, the environment—our lives! Cars must be banned!”
  2. “The only thing people are sick of is long-haired idiots riding their bicycles at two miles an hour on major thoroughfares,” says committed motorist Frederic Elgar. “People shouldn’t be able to protest like this. The government needs to crack down on them.”
  3. The Automotive Manufacturers Association, meanwhile, has called for government support. “It’s clear that we need to boost the level of automobile support in this country. This protest this morning is a clear indication of... um... anyway, we need more government funds.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, newspapers and TV broadcasters are given a list of 'acceptable words'.

2021-09-22 03:30

Crosswords Beget Angry Letters

A major national newspaper is taking heat after one of its crossword puzzles contained the answer ‘BIGWIGS’, which is considered a racial slur by Bigtopians. This is not the first time the paper has come under fire for its puzzling word choices, and concerned citizens are squaring off outside your door in hopes of filling in the blanks for you.

  1. “Get a clue, Leader!” shouts Konrad Rios, president of the Random Chaosian Civil Liberties Alliance, as he snaps one of your pencils in half. “It is well known throughout The Hatrackia that the B-word is a degrading term referring to members of our nation’s Bigtopian community. There is only one solution: demand that the paper fire those who permitted this puzzle to go to print. That should send a warning to everyone that such disrespect and callousness will never be tolerated!”
  2. “What’s a five-letter word that means ‘iciness’?” inquires Bill Pantz, crossword editor for the newspaper in question, glancing up from a recent puzzle submission he is proofreading. “Oh, that’s right, ‘CHILL!’ Look, the word ‘bigwigs’ simply refers to elitist fat cats, as was clued in the puzzle. On rare occasions, perfectly legitimate words that have sometimes been used as slurs like ‘porp’, ‘beepus’, or ‘jonky’, are fair use in a puzzle. Apologies to anyone who was offended, but that’s where the matter ends. That’s as black-and-white as it gets.”
  3. “Solving this puzzle requires us to think outside the box,” interjects Prudence Zhimo, chairperson of the Committee on Appropriate Language in Media. “This problem indicates a lack of varied perspectives within the corporate and media worlds. We should look to promote greater diversity in the workplace, which means instituting government-mandated sensitivity training, financial incentives for companies who hire from certain target groups, and increased funding for programs that seek the advancement of underrepresented communities. It will be expensive, but can we really put a price on inclusivity?”
  4. “This wouldn’t even be a problem if we nationalized the media!” exclaims Manny Festaux, your Minister of Orwellian Orthodoxy. “Imagine how much easier it would be to pick and choose the content that was published in the dailies. Not only that, but you won’t have to worry anymore about negative publicity directed at you! Now, shall we replace these pesky crosswords with word searches or sudokus?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, eminent domain has been abolished.

2021-09-21 21:30

Eminent Domain: Inherent Right or Daylight Robbery?

A furious debate over eminent domain, or compulsory purchase, the government’s right to take a citizen’s private property without permission, has erupted after the government evicted hundreds of people from their homes to make way for a new shopping complex and a bypass.

  1. “Eminent Domain? More like outright theft!” cries Julia Boothroyd, whose house was bulldozed. “They took away my home! I have to move everything in my life somewhere else because of the whims of some fruitcake city planner? It’s lunacy! This blatant power abuse mustn’t be allowed to continue. The government should require explicit permission before taking private property!”
  2. “You can’t be serious,” objects Norman Hanover, a city planner. “You’ve got to have bypasses. Eminent domain’s essential! Without it we’d actually have to pay for the property we were steali- ah- expropriating and that would mean lots of boring paperwork and be much more expensive. If we really need to build something, say a bypass to ease congestion, do you really want that to be stopped because one person says no? We need eminent domain to let Random Chaos make progress. In fact we could cut costs even more if we didn’t have to pay compensation...”
  3. “I do believe we should retain our right to eminent domain,” says Tanya Nxumalo, your Minister of Miscellaneous Amenities. “But to use it for private industry is just immoral and corrupting. We really ought to only use eminent domain for the purpose of building public utilities like hospitals, schools, and carparks.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government statistics suggest 115% of the population love Leader.

2021-09-21 15:30

Waste of Time

Yesterday you spent several hours developing solutions to a complex sewage management dilemma that you had read about in a report in your desk drawer, only to realise today that this report was written eight years ago and that the problem was solved six years ago. Any one of the ministers, engineers or bureaucrats you consulted with yesterday could have told you this, but no-one did.

  1. “Uh, begging your pardon, oh wise and glorious leader,” pleads engineer Mercutio Hayes, “but we have always been told that you are an infallible and ultimate authority, so we assumed you knew that the problem was already solved and that you were simply testing us in some way. With your permission, we will challenge that assumption in future, and speak our minds. Uh, as long as we don’t get punished for doing so! Please don’t hurt me!”
  2. “Leader, you are of course infallible,” shouts your head of secret police, moving in to put handcuffs on the engineer, “and this worthless wretch has failed the loyalty test! Guards, take him away!”
  3. “I think what we’re trying to say here is that you knew all along that the problem was solved,” weasels smug-faced vizier Sigourney Osborne. “However, you’ve found a more appropriate and elegant solution for the sewage dilemma, which admittedly costs more than the existing solution and may back up the occasional toilet, but which is superior for politically expedient reasons that mere sewage engineers and plumbers could not hope to understand. I will assemble workers, and order the old system to be replaced, immediately.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, landfills fill the land.

2021-09-21 09:30

One Nation’s Trash Is Another Nation’s Trash

A collection of fishermen’s unions have besieged the capitol with rubbish, all of which was caught during fishing expeditions. The fishermen claim they catch more novelty singing bass than actual fish in their nets, because the nation routinely dumps its waste in international waters.

  1. “Clean up your act, Leader; these heaps of Mad Max vs. Jar-Jar Binks 2 DVDs are just the tip of the iceberg!” hollers Kim Erso, an impoverished fisherman. “If you think all this rubbish obstructing your office view is bad, you should see what it’s like in the ocean. The fish are being killed off by makeshift continents of plastic and styrofoam and off-brand Jack Michaelson matryoshka dolls. Random Chaos needs to store its waste in landfills like other nations do, or we won’t have a fishing industry to speak of!”
  2. “I agree with the fishermen,” quietly says Penny MacIntyre, your Environmental Minister, whom you’ve never noticed before. “But let’s actually help Mother Earth this time round. Give my ministry a blank check for once, and then we can restructure our waste disposal towards recycling and cleaning up all that waste floating in the South Gambler Sea.”
  3. “Are we going to let some foreigners tell us what to do?” asks Yokpu Sims, an excessively patriotic citizen. “Our country is cleaner than ever! Never before has our glorious nation been so pristine! We should keep taking out our trash into the ocean, where it hurts no true Random Chaosian. And if people still complain about the international waste dumping, why don’t we cast the whiners into the sea too?”
  4. “There’s a better way,” claims a man who will only identify himself as the Captain, while welding a blender to a rusty supermarket trolley. “I have an idea for a TV show. Give teams of contestants ten hours to build crazy contraptions with rubbish fished out of the sea, and the winning team gets a free boat! I call it the Scrapsea Challenge. Sure, it won’t have a meaningful impact on the nautical pollution levels, but it will globally broadcast that Random Chaos is doing something for Mother Earth. Kind of. That publicity is worth a little government support, is it not?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Average Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians cheer the nation's surging death rate.

2021-09-21 03:30

Aging Concerns in Random Chaos

Fears about the aging population in Random Chaos have been raised after it was discovered that nearly a fifth of the population is over 65 years of age. This demographic shift is becoming a serious drain on pension funds everywhere.

  1. “We’re going to run out of working age citizens if we don’t act fast!” warns Sonam Pavlov, a government statistician. “Birth rates are down, death rates are down, and the amount of budget spent on pensions has doubled in the last twenty years! We need to put an end to this, quickly and without delay: we must get rid of all the people too old to work anymore... well, except for government officials like you and me of course...”
  2. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this!” yells Atrus Wang, a wizened octogenerian. “We have our rights! What utter rubbish about our pensions; I can hardly survive on the paltry number of chips I get each week. If anything, we should get more money. And after the BILLIONS of workhours I put in for Random Chaos, it’s the least the government could do in return.”
  3. “Well, you know, there is another way,” suggests Carmen Curtis, your sleaziest budget analyst. “To appease the elderly lobby, you could increase the pension fund by cutting the healthcare budget. That way higher death rates will compensate for the more generous pensions. In fact, with fewer pensioners to support, slashing healthcare could be the fastest way to build up a budget surplus.” She smiles menacingly.
  4. “Woah, woah! Talk about hasty decisions here, man,” says Kool Kal, one of your more hip advisors. “Just increase the working age to say... ninety-five years old? Then the number of people eligible for a pension is like, dramatically reduced, man. Why? It’s ‘cos most of them’ll be like, six feet under, dude!” He high-fives you. “Funny, ain’t it, man?”
  5. “There’s no need for anything so controversial,” posits Kirby Krauss, Manager of the Department of Leaver Earnings of Wall To Wall Mart. “If our working age population can’t support the pensions our retirees deserve, then clearly we need more workers. There are plenty of talented Maxtopians, Marche Noirians, and Big- well... and lots of Bigtopians too, queueing up to get jobs in this country. If we open our borders to them, we’ll have more than enough taxpayers to support elderly Random Chaosians well into retirement. Everyone’s a winner.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens wouldn't recognise Leader if they passed one another on the street.

2021-09-20 21:30

Some People Never Listen

Two senior officials caught having affairs, five separate expenses scandals and the leaking of top-secret plans for the Cabinet Secretary’s birthday party is usually more than enough to cover in one public announcement. You were therefore surprised to find that another issue altogether has caught the public’s attention: activists representing the nation’s deaf and hearing-impaired communities have taken you to task over the lack of a Random Chaosian Sign Language interpreter at your public addresses.

  1. “Being deaf doesn’t have to be an impairment, so don’t make it one,” signs activist Rosalina Mendez, adding a few more vulgar hand gestures that you are sure aren’t official sign language. “Having an interpreter is the least you could do. Deaf people in Random Chaos are subject to a harmful mix of preconceptions and ignorance, so it’s about time you listened to us. Perhaps you could also establish a national ‘Deaf Awareness Week’ to celebrate the contributions deaf people have made to society, and to persuade organisations and individuals to bear us in mind.”
  2. “I’m not paying for that!” scoffs your Minister of Equality, facing away from the activist to deter lip reading. “I watched an address by the leader of Albionia last month and was thoroughly distracted by a man waving his hands about and pulling faces behind her. She may not have died on stage, but it was a near-deaf experience! If these deaf people really want to know what’s going on, they can watch us on the television and just turn the subtitles on. Automatic closed captioning is getting really good these days, and preserves the dignity of your excellent oratory.”
  3. “Speaking to the public is overrated, and clearly a waste of your valuable time,” your crusty Minister of Public Relations whispers, his dry lips all but brushing against your ear. “As long as you do the job well, the people of Random Chaos won’t care what goes on behind closed doors. And if things don’t go to plan, well, won’t you be glad you don’t have to talk to them?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, major archaeological findings are frequently bulldozed to make way for new buildings.

2021-09-20 15:30

An Archaeological Altercation

During the construction of a new Hyper-Mega-Ultra-Super Mall, construction workers have unearthed what appears to be an ancient temple. A furious debate has arisen between those who wish to preserve it, and those who need their retail therapy.

  1. “This is the perfect opportunity to learn more of our nation’s history!” says Professor Uriah Tolkien, head of the archaeological department of the Random Chaos History Museum. “All building work must be halted immediately so that my team can study this remarkable piece of our nation’s past. To bury these ruins under some concrete eyesore would be criminal!”
  2. “It’s all very nice to get to know some more about our past,” argues foreman Caesar Chicago. “But that’s just the thing! It’s the past! We must think of the future. If you allow those decrepit fossils to take over this place, you put at risk the future of our economy! Today it’s archaeological digs, tomorrow it’s ‘preservation of the environment’. Just let me bulldoze the worthless pile of rubble and bury it under a few hundred tonnes of concrete.”
  3. “Behold, the hour has arrived! The Holy Temple of Firefury Amahira has been unearthed!” proclaims Yon-Zhauryg v’Klot, leader of the Cult of the Undead Gambler. “This land is sacred, and must not be befouled by these corporations! No-one but the enlightened children of Firefury must be allowed to venture inside our rediscovered sanctuary, where we will perform the required rituals to please the Great Goddess and prevent Her from unleashing Her wrath upon the world.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a weakened police force struggles to maintain law and order.

2021-09-20 09:30

Police Too Pushy?

A group of ‘concerned compatriots’ (Citizens Raging Against the Police) have protested against the enormous numbers of police officers enforcing the law on their daily lives.

  1. “I’m constantly surrounded by over-zealous policemen!” deplores Homer Laine, a spokesperson for the group. “Just last week I was arrested for letting my baby cry too loudly in public! This is ridiculous! The government needs to cut back the police force and let citizens get on with their lives without interference! If that means allowing muggers, thieves, burglars, pickpockets, murderers and all the rest to not have coppers breathing down the back of their necks constantly then so be it! This really is too much!”
  2. “You can’t listen to what they’re saying!” gasps Police Chief May Rudd, horrified. “These nuts would have us living in utter anarchy! If some robbers suddenly decide to break into a shop and steal everything, what’s the owner going to do? What could anyone do without a well-funded police force? There has to be justice and law or we’d be nothing better than a bunch of savages. Stick to your guns, I say, and let me arrest these subversives - people need to be taught to show some respect!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, right-wingers complain that too many people are suckling at the welfare teat.

2021-09-20 03:30

Milking It

Random Chaosian consumers have seen the prices of dairy products continue to skyrocket, seemingly without reason. However, a recent exposé by an investigative journalist has finally shed light on this situation: the three largest dairy producers in Random Chaos have conspired to fix prices.

  1. “Shame! Shame! Down with the cartels!” chants Ella Dlamini, an angry protestor, ringing a cow bell in sync with her slogans. “We’ve had to pay exorbitant prices for basic dairy foodstuffs, all because a bunch of industry fat cats decided they wanted to rip us off! You should immediately implement strict antitrust laws across all industries to prevent such collusions, and make these price-fixers pay a sizeable deterrent fine.”
  2. “What? Holy cow! We were just trying to, uh, help our farmers!” exclaims Curd Holstein, CEO of MooMoo Pure Dairy. “Supermarket price wars were driving milk rates so low that dairy farmers were running at a loss, and struggling to make ends meet. Our noble goal was to improve their lot by increasing the prices, but nobody appreciates us! You should support and congratulate us, Leader, as well as provide subsidies to the dairy industry.”
  3. “It’s a shame that we have to pay for basic commodities like this,” muses embittered socialist Josh Leach. “Look, imagine you have two cows and... no, wait, that doesn’t work. What I mean to say is that the government should pay producers a fixed tariff, and then supply a milk ration directly to the people. That will prevent greedy businesspeople from endangering people’s health for profit, and ensure that nobody will go to bed hungry!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Super-Spud Cinematic Universe is breaking box office records.

2021-09-19 21:30

A Hot Potato

Thanks to generous agricultural subsidies, Random Chaosian farmers have produced a record number of potatoes this year, generating a significant surplus.

  1. “This is the seventh day in a row my old lady cooked potato soup for dinner and I can’t take it anymore!” clamours Arcturus Bush, a farmer, dejectedly leaning on a yardstick. “We have just tons and tons of potatoes and they will all rot if we cannot sell them. The government needs to buy them from us, otherwise a year’s hard work will go to waste. Give them to the hungry, find some other use for them... just take them, please!”
  2. “We just need to motivate people to buy and eat more potatoes,” explains Giuseppe Hernandez, your Minister of Creative Solutions, attempting to juggle three potatoes and staggering as one bounces off his forehead. “How about government-sponsored comics, cartoons and movies where the superheroes derive strength from eating potatoes! The Amazing Potato Man! The Red Russet! Yukon Booster Gold! What do you think?”
  3. “This clearly shows poor planning on the part of your farmers,” grunts the People’s Ambassador from the Socialist Union of East Lebatuck. “Of course you will have a surplus if everyone decides to plant potatoes! The key is to diversify! If your neighbor Farmer Joe is planting potatoes this year, maybe you should switch to celery instead. That’s why you need a centrally planned economy. No surplus, no shortages — just eternal bliss and abundance!”
  4. “This potato mountain is tangible proof that commie economics are inefficient,” asserts right-wing economist Lisa Parke, presenting you with an invoice for the advice she is about to deliver. “Subsidies distort production, and block the invisible hand of self-correcting markets. Stop agricultural subsidies. You’ll end up with a leaner industry, and some temporary hardship, but in the long run you’ll be supporting the system that creates the wealth of nations.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it turns out that money can buy you happiness.

2021-09-19 15:30

Time to Get Serious

It’s a slow news day, and so a recent study by the Scientific Centre of Analytical Metadata is getting considerable attention. After a decade of expensive travel to exotic climes, researchers have concluded that nations where people laugh more have a lower GDP. Your advisers have gathered to find out what you want to do.

  1. “That’s just a funny coincidence!” yells joke shop manager Barbara Rhodes as she waves a rubber-chicken at you, her cheeks puffed out in anger. “Laughter is a tonic! Laughter is the best medicine! If you take away laughter, you destroy the beating heart of Random Chaos! Dismiss this crackpot theory and keep the joy that makes Random Chaos so great... by subsidising the humour-retail industry!”
  2. “At last! The link is proven!” notes clothes factory director Ozai Yeltsin as he spies on his staff through CCTV. “I last smiled seventy-two years ago and it is an accident I have striven not to repeat! Every day, the girls who should be working my machines are just laughing. I keep telling them to keep their heads down, but they keep on giggling and smiling and... oh, they’re so disobedient! Someone needs to punish them. Give employers the right to dock wages and force extra hours for excessive joviality. That’ll show those minxes!”
  3. “Why so glum when there’s shopping to be done?” sings devoted consumer Melissa Erso, sporting a lovely green velvet jacket. “Just cut sales taxes on luxury goods so everybody can shop their way out of misery! Your government is wasting money funding thinktanks and research groups of dubious value. You should cut the funding of SCAM and other analysts, and give me back my own chips. The resulting spending spree will put a smile on my face AND boost the economy!”
  4. “This crass commercialism saddens my heart,” observes dour faith leader Vodalus MacIntyre, shaking his head sadly. “What about the soul? Laughter is evil spirits, shaking our bodies. Each guffaw is the spirit of the divine, leaking out of the body. It is Written! For the sake of the collective salvation of Random Chaos, laughter must be banned!”
  5. “How can you listen to these people?” asks depressed laughter therapist Lara Sims, dabbing away a tear. “Random Chaos needs joy, now more than ever. We need to bring the art of humour and inner happiness into everybody’s lives through intensive programmes in every school and workplace in the country. Happiness doesn’t just happen: it needs to be taught!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, having skeletons in one's closet is no longer just a macabre idiom.

2021-09-19 09:30

Buried Bones Unearth Debate

A group of college students on a camping trip to the outskirts of Random Chaos stumbled across an ancient mass grave site. The proper treatment of the remains has become a hot button issue, as various groups have staked their claims.

  1. “These bones belonged to our ancestors! Or, at least we called dibs first!” shouts Doris Underwood, a representative of the Violetstone tribe, close enough that you can feel the spittle flying from her lips. “How would you like it if we poked and prodded the remains of your ancestors? We deserve - no, we have the right - to take these bones back to our land and ceremonially burn them as our cultural heritage dictates.”
  2. “You can’t seriously consider giving up such valuable information, can you?” gasps Jayamma Cobblepot, a Professor of Anthropology at Random Chaos City University. “The information from these remains is invaluable. This is a rare opportunity to learn about ancient Random Chaosian culture and where we came from. Let us put these bones to the test, so to speak, and place our national knowledge first. We need to send these remains to the university, along with some grant money, for research and testing.”
  3. “Burn them? Letting them rot in some dank university closet? You can’t let these travesties occur!” demands Naki Kaine, the curator of the Maxsonian Museum Of History. “These bones are in pristine condition and deserve to be seen by the public! Imagine the revenue and tourism that would be brought in if you allowed me to display these bones, bared for all to see! Who cares if it upsets some smug know-it-alls or overly sensitive descendants? This is preservation! This is money, err, culture!”
  4. “Hey, what’s the big idea trying to pick and choose who gets what?” questions college student Tyler Räikkönen, followed closely by his peers. “We found those bones, so we should get to take them for ourselves! Our right to the claim is firmly supported by the case of Finders Keepers v Losers Weepers. Plus, I really need to pass my thesis. I’m running out of time and these bones would really put me over the top!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian TV is considered cruel and unusual punishment in other countries.

2021-09-19 03:30

Unreal

A study in the journal Periodical for Learning About the Sociological Misadventures of Audiovisuals has revealed that young adults who watch reality television are more likely to experience negative social interaction and emotional effects than their peers.

  1. “Reality television gives the impression that what is appearing on television is, in fact, realistic,” complains lead researcher Dr. Emory Stevens, hiding his Television is for Squares badge beneath his labcoat. “In fact, it’s scripted and heavily edited fiction. Constant arguments, excessive expressed emotion, unrealistic body expectations, instant gratification: these lead to youths acting out in unacceptable ways and to a general negative inertia in society. All these shows should carry disclaimers to explain how reality is being misrepresented, and all schoolchildren must be taught about the distortions in these shows.”
  2. “Like my sister Chrissie says: don’t be haters just ‘cuz you ain’t us,” natters Christina Cholmondeley, of popular reality show Crashing Out with the Cholmondeleys, as she flicks her hair. “Reality TV is, like... what’s the word? Not Alsatian... aspirational. We aspire kids to be better than they are. If they’re fat and stupid, we make them want to be pretty and clever, like us. By acting like us, they can hope to be like us. Then they’ll have their own brand of perfume, like Chrissie C’s Pong of Class, which is on sale now, babe. Rather than oppress us, you should show your fans how awesome you are by being on our show... like, lots. Random Chaos needs our brand of style way more than political speeches.”
  3. “Objection!” shouts arbiter ‘Judge Kellyanne’, who earns one million chips per show, as she bangs her gavel on your desk. “Leader, that Cholmondeley moron is selling you manure and telling you it’s chocolate. Does she think you’re an idiot? Brain-dead shows like hers are the reason why young Random Chaosians have no motivation to get a real job. They see over-glossed and glossed-over lives, and think it all comes easy. Young people would be more focused if reality shows only showed serious professionals doing real jobs, and not lies about fame and fortune.”
  4. “The problem is the negativity,” chimes preternaturally perky Baby Bebe Baker-Bell, who found fame as a child singing on Random Chaosians Have Talent (Honest!). “Backstage, wranglers stir up spiteful competition between contestants. They goaded me into calling someone a ‘meanie bo beanie’! I still wake up sweating. But maybe a better class of reality TV could instead nurture a pleasant society by encouraging participants to only be nice to each other, and by editing out the sad parts of life. Wouldn’t it be lovely if everybody got along better?”
  5. “We must escape from dreary reality,” says Steve, your nephew and a recent graduate of the Random Chaosian Academy of Dramatic Art, as he strikes a stereotypically heroic stance. “By forcibly reallocating all reality TV slots and funding, we could tell intelligent stories and pay good wages to highly skilled actors who have a classic face suited to play either the dashing lead or the brooding baddie. Noir mysteries, sultry sagas in country houses, earthy dramedies, pulsating thrillers, period pieces of pride, prejudice and penury; with funding, we could usher in a golden age of quality Random Chaosian drama.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Maxtopian Grass flags adorn every college dorm room.

2021-09-18 21:30

Caught Green Handed

A surprising number of politicians from all walks of life have admitted to smoking Maxtopian Grass and other soft drugs. Some are calling this a fragrant disregard of the law, while others believe this should spark a major shift in the nation’s War on Drugs.

  1. “Isn’t this typical?” scoffs columnist Erica Coleman, “Once again these crooked politicians are getting away with things that would see regular folk punished. The government is sending a very mixed message by not acting on this. They decry drugs, yet several of their own are known users. If the government has any sense of credibility they would send these criminals to rehab with the rest of the druggies.”
  2. “On the contrary; this sends a very clear message,” replies a man with a large beard while smoking an unidentifiable substance, “The latest surveys show that the majority of citizens disagree with the government on this issue. More people than ever before are supporting legalization, particularly among youth. It seems like a few of our politicians have finally caught on. Instead of punishing these brave men and women for a victimless crime, let’s do something positive and legalize the stuff already.”
  3. “I’ve got an idea!” suggests Kareem Kasher, an advisor you thought you’d fired last month, “We can’t alienate our conservative base by legalizing drugs, but we also don’t want to send our political allies to jail. What if all the politicians wrapped up in this scandal set the record straight by saying they didn’t inhale? That’s what we experts call deniable plausibility.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, houses and businesses are bulldozed to make way for ever-expanding cemeteries.

2021-09-18 15:30

A Grave Problem

As cemeteries across Random Chaos are beginning to reach their full capacities, citizens are demanding that the government step in to rectify the situation before the bodies start to pile up.

  1. “The expansion of cemeteries must end if the remaining government land is to benefit the economy,” says the Minister of Death, Casimir Scully. “What I propose is that we declare all graves over, say, ten years old, as vacant. And then dump a new corpse in it. Hey, nobody objects to sharing a university dormitory with another person, why should they object to sharing their grave?”
  2. “Burial plots are so expensive these days, few people are opting for them anyway,” says Retirement Home owner, Heather Barber. “Let’s just go for that final push and make cremation compulsory. Some people may not be happy with it, but when you get right down to it, it’s only setting fire to their loved ones against their will - you must agree that that’s less important than expanding suburban development.”
  3. “This is horrendous,” says Marcus Golightly, whose partner recently passed away. “Whatever happened to choice? When my Henry died, he was promised an eternal resting place; a place where his name would stand and he would be remembered. Having it disturbed by ‘newcomers’ or enforcing cremation is a slur against him and the rest of Random Chaos’s deceased citizens! If you have any compassion in your soul, then you’ll acknowledge a grave as being a sacrosanct area. The dead must be allowed to rest in peace.”
  4. “Burying and cremating the dead is such a waste...” says Sasha Morgan, head of the Research Department at the McRonald’s chain of fast-food restaurants. “They should be recycled for the benefit of the nation! We’ll pay the families a little something for their loss, then mince up the bodies and put them in our burgers! I can’t see any downsides, can you? It’d save space, recompensate the grieving, and supply everyone with a tasty snack!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreigners are treated with great suspicion.

2021-09-18 09:30

Random Chaos’s Schoolchildren Not Learning the Lingua Franca

After a recent national survey revealed that almost three-quarters of the population only know the primary language of Random Chaos, there have been rising calls for the government to take action.

  1. “Fluency in foreign languages is imperative to education,” says Professor Ruby Dvořák of Random Chaos City University. “Learning a new tongue not only gives a child a practical, marketable skill, but also encourages compassion and understanding of foreign cultures. With so many nations in the world, I do insist that we increase government funding in these areas and make it a compulsory part of the curriculum. As we say in Ancient Maxtopian: froggug sederty bungo-bungo!”
  2. “To be frank, the need for outsiders’ speak doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest!” claims Alina Locke, a fierce patriot. “Making our children learn these languages is an affront to the basic civil rights of Random Chaos! What’s more, this will encourage those damn foreigners to come here and take our jobs! I for one, will not stand for it! We can drop that area of education; it’ll give us tax payers a bit of a breather for once. I’ve always said that we don’t need any others but our own!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Saturday morning cartoons feature full frontal nudity.

2021-09-18 03:30

Digital Revolution Requires Re-Evaluation

Advances in television recording devices have brought the topic of sex and violence on late night television back to the table. Interested parties want to share their concerns.

  1. “I’ve had just about enough of this!” fulminates concerned parent Leia Burns, who seems purple with rage. “Our children’s minds are being fed garbage on a daily basis by what they see on TV. Why just the other day I caught my kid watching a DVR recorded from a late-night cartoon where a clown beat a hooker to death with a vodka bottle! We need to stop the sex and violence on TV entirely, and limit the networks to decent family programming during daytime hours.”
  2. “Why should everyone else pay the price for bad parenting?” bellows libertarian and free speech advocate Roger Henderson. “This government needs to get out of the business of designating what we can and cannot watch. The free market will adapt to the needs of the buyers, leaving parents to do their jobs and monitor what their kids watch. I paid good money for my TV - let ME choose what I want to see!”
  3. “You folks are missin’ your best bet,” celebrity race car driver Akira Park whispers in your ear, while wearing a jumpsuit covered in product logos. “Us racers have lead the way towards makin’ product placement the must-have advertising choice. Ain’t no need to ban content they cain’t stand. All you gotta do is hide the action behind a Microcosm computer or hold an Eckie-Ecola in front of the naughty bits, and nobody gets hurt. Them internet fellas done figured out how to throw ad banners in front of the stuff you want to see; just do the same thing on the teevee sets. Everybody wins!”
  4. “You know, this gave me a fantastic idea,” declares one of your advisors, grinning broadly. “So if I got this straight, children will change their behavior according to what they’re exposed to on TV. So what we should do is put subliminal messages about our government in every program on TV during kid’s viewing hours. That way children will stop the violence AND they’ll be more inclined to serve our government when they grow up. GENIUS!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, motorists' locations are constantly tracked by intelligence and law enforcement agencies.

2021-09-17 21:30

Need for Speed?

After watching the movie ‘The Fast and the Belligerent’, boy racers from all over Random Chaos have been petitioning for the abolition of speed limits.

  1. “Today’s cars are safer at high speeds than ever before,” argues Leonardo Hadfield, editor of Sports Car Monthly. “And long-distance commuters are tired of spending hours on the road just to get to the next city. Abolishing the speed limit would be great for the economy too! People would be more likely to go out and buy cars if they thought they’d be able to use them properly. It seems like such a shame to be puttering along at the speed limit in a magnificent car like the 450HP twin-turbo Gambler SX/T-7700 you know.”
  2. “Are you crazy?” cries Rosalina Nguyen, a road-accident victim. “We need lower speed limits on automobiles, not higher. You might as well enforce mandatory blindfolds on the road too, it’ll come to the same conclusion! People’s lives are at stake here! If people were made to drive at, say, no faster than fifty kilometres per hour, I would feel a lot happier walking the streets. Besides, if it takes a long time to get places via car then people might begin using mass transit for once.”
  3. “I think the current speed limits are fine, but we need better enforcement,” says Agnieszka Trevelyan, the most feared traffic warden in Random Chaos. “If we required GPS tracking devices in all vehicles, we’d ticket every single speeder, no problem. In addition, we could monitor the movements of criminals and other suspicious individuals, and vastly reduce the risk of crime, terrorism, and other subversive activity. Some say that’s an invasion of privacy, but if you’ve done nothing wrong what’s there to fear?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tuxedo rental companies are inexplicably going out of business.

2021-09-17 15:30

Playing It by the Numbers

Your somewhat gullible nephew has returned from a shopping trip laden with ‘bargains’, including a dozen suits which he says were ‘50%-off’. Upon whipping out the office magnifying glass it appears that the discount stickers have ‘up to’ written in tiny letters just above the numbers, and a quick check of the store catalogue shows most of the items had their prices raised just days before to accommodate the so-called discount. All in all, his shopping trip has cost him twice what he would have paid if he had been charged the manufacturers’ recommended prices.

  1. “Look, we all know that my son is an idiot,” says your sister irritably, smacking the kid around the head, “but anyone could be misled by these tricks and number games. You don’t approve of con-men, do you? These retailers are legal con-men. For the sake of the consumer you must legislate fair and transparent pricing in retail, and prevent misleading advertising.”
  2. “I’ve made a couple of bad shopping decisions...” admits your nephew, straightening the creases on the sleeves of his lime-green velvet onesie. “Alright, maybe more than a couple. But I love bargain hunting! The thrill of finding a 75%-reduced top hat for only 200 chips is something you can’t duplicate! All we need is a universal 30-day cooling off period, during which customers can claim a refund, no questions asked. You know, just in case their tyrannical mothers are nagging them.”
  3. “We’ll offer your nephew a One-Off Full Refund, and I’ll even throw in the buttonholes for free next time!” promises Maximilian Dibbler, the appointed representative of a consortium of retailers, audibly capitalising certain words. “And that’s practically cutting my own throat. All we ask is that you let the Free Market operate, for the sake of Freedom. FREEEEDOM. Up to 99% of voters agree that advertising is the core of a successful economy! Our industry is in the top 100% when it comes to ethical business practices and serving the public good. I myself donate up to 50% of my wage to charity!”
  4. “In my day, a pint of milk cost what a pint of milk cost,” grumbles Sigourney, an elderly cleaner interjecting from the back of the room. “You’re the government; you should set a fixed price for everything, and you should do that other thing, seizing the means of production, and wot-not. We don’t need satin pants or hats with feathers on them. We just need what we needs: bread, milk and wot-not, and at a fair price.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, viewers get headaches from trying to read the screen full of small print warnings that precede most TV shows.

2021-09-17 09:30

News Flash!

While reporting an incident where no less than seven cats got stuck in the same tree at once, broadcasts on major news networks featured blaring noises and rapidly flashing colors, causing many discomfort, migraines, and in a few cases, full-blown epileptic seizures.

  1. “The last thing I expect in the morning is to be attacked by my television, and there’s no doubt that this stinking migraine I have is from that news report,” sighs beleaguered mum Heather Wiener, whose five-year-old has loudly sung sixty-seven consecutive repetitions of the Baby Shark song since coming into your office. “The jabbering nonsense news anchors regurgitate is painful enough. News and other TV shows must be barred from broadcasting these sorts of noises and graphics.”
  2. “What if we made shows put epilepsy warnings before each instance and program?” suggests children’s show editor Zaheer Dovey, showing you a happy face with a warning in colorful, flashy letters. “Then people will know when to switch channels, and networks will favor writers who are more conscientious. It’s a nice compromise that can be applied to all media. Hey, I know a song about compromise we can all sing! Just to warn you, there’s some moderately loud clapping in the middle.”
  3. “Why should my show be compromised?” refutes popular TV show host Darius Levy, entering your office with blinding rainbow strobe lights. “Which would you rather watch? A boring old guy in a suit, or a cinematic extravaganza featuring epic explosions and fast-paced drama? If some people are too sensitive to watch the news, then they can always listen to it on radio or something. You know, you should give your official political broadcasts more pizzaz too. I’ll give you the number of the SFX guys I use. I guarantee people will sit up and take notice!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Handshaker" to "Duckspeaker".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, passive-aggressive congratulations cards inform mums-to-be that their pregnancy is their greatest achievement in life.

2021-09-17 03:30

The Devil’s Spawn

Big baby news from Blackacre: Supreme Leader Valeria Drake — the oft-hostile tyrant of that oft-hostile nation — has announced that she is once again pregnant. With heartfelt and sometimes sincere congratulations pouring in from leaders all across the world, eyes are turning on Random Chaos, eager to gauge your reaction.

  1. The Minister of Foreign Relations lays his hand on your right shoulder, the sunlight creating a bright halo around his head. “Oh, let bygones be bygones already. This is a joyous occasion for Madam Drake! Let’s break the ice between Blackacre and us, and send over our most cordial felicitations. It wouldn’t kill us if we swallowed our pride for once, you know.”
  2. The Minister of Defense lays his hand on your left shoulder, tufts of his hair sticking up like horns. “Don’t listen to that naive dimwit! We need to show the world that that vile succubus and her larva don’t deserve any ‘best wishes’ to be sent their way. How about we discreetly spread some nasty rumours about how the father of the child is a descendant of Lee Terallihitlah, the Butcher of Bigtopia? You’ll see, all sympathy for that serpent and her spawn will melt away like snow.”
  3. “Oh we can do far better than a few rumours,” whispers Miriam Asda, a refugee whose family died in one of Blackacre’s many wars of aggression. She beckons to you from the shadows, to suggest a third, even darker path. “I suggest we send our best wishes, and maybe some baby gifts, laced with subtle biotoxins that will induce miscarriage. Trust me, she deserves nothing less.”
  4. A civil servant walks in on the meeting, and ruins the ambience by turning on the fluorescent ceiling lights. “Oh, uhm, s-sorry... but I came in to tell you that you could also simply ignore the entire affair. Pretend that you didn’t hear about the pregnancy because you were too busy volunteering in orphanages to follow international gossip. It’ll create a positive image of yourself, and you’ll have a great excuse to change the subject to how awesome you are.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, oil executives can be seen reluctantly cleaning oil-soaked birds.

2021-09-16 21:30

Oil’s Well That Ends Well

An offshore oil rig has exploded, spewing millions of barrels of petroleum into the South Gambler Sea.

  1. “These oil companies must be held accountable for their reckless negligence!” yells environmentalist Joseph Fernandez, while scrubbing the oil off a dolphin. “We cannot let this environmental catastrophe continue! We must stop the oil spewage and restore the environment to its former glory! And as for those greedy fat cats who caused this mess, they should foot the cleanup bill!”
  2. “Woah, woah... let’s not demonize the oil companies. It’s not like they want these spills to happen,” cautions Nomfundo Martin, an investor in DrillBabyDrill Fund Management. “Think of what punitive measures would do to the economy. It’s an unfortunate situation, to be sure, but do we really want to put one of Random Chaos’s corporate stars out of business? That will only hurt us all. Let the government take care of the cleanup, like usual.”
  3. “Those are just short-term solutions,” says solar engineer Wendy Smiley with a distant look in her eye. “We should do everything we can to stop this leak AND invest in alternative energy. Who needs limited fossil fuels when you have solar, wind, and geothermal power? Don’t you want your children to live in a world free from the oily grasp of big business?”
  4. “You’re looking at this the wrong way. This isn’t a problem; it’s a golden opportunity!” says theme park tycoon Lucas Blofeld, slicking back his hair. He continues: “Picture this: thousands upon thousands of tourists flocking to Random Chaos. Why are these people coming in droves, you ask? To see the one, the only Great Gambler Sea Oil Slick! Throw up a few more platforms, add some roller coasters, a few restaurants, tie it all together with a jolly mascot, and you’ve turned this unfortunate accident into a lucky break!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lobbyists are trying to convince government to recategorize most natural disasters as "non-critical naturogenic inconveniences".

2021-09-16 15:30

Flooding the Market

Recent floods devastated low-lying areas, and the affected areas are only just starting to recover. Now, news is emerging that during the disaster many local retailers were found to have significantly elevated prices for basic necessities such as water, blankets, flashlights, and matsutake mushrooms.

  1. “The sheer nerve!” gasps disaster survivor and multimillionaire actor Monica Cockburn, who is wearing nothing but an old potato sack to elicit sympathy. “After we’ve lost everything, these predators had the nerve to profit from human suffering? These price gougers didn’t care how much they were hurting people, so the government must care. Fix prices in place for the duration of any disaster, and shut down any store that refuses to comply!”
  2. “Fixing prices in place isn’t enough,” argues charity worker Tsongba Kamen, pushing aside the disaster victim so he can take center stage. “Retailers can set whatever prices they want throughout the year, but during times of disaster they should be forced to discount basic necessities, for the sake of human kindness. These big companies can easily afford a temporary loss, and this way disaster victims don’t have to choose between bread and batteries.”
  3. “If they don’t like the free market, they shouldn’t be living in Random Chaos!” snaps Mega-Mart CEO Brian Reagan, phoning in from his beach condo in sunny Manamana. “Look, our primary moral and legal responsibility is to our shareholders. Our prices are our own business, but hey, if the government is so desperate to give stuff for free to disaster victims, why don’t you just buy stock from us? We’ll even give you a bulk discount for goods near their expiry date, and that way everyone wins.”
  4. “Power to the People! Potatoes for the Proletariat!” chants pro-communalist speaker Gretel Wu, whose father is said to own half of Gambler County. “I ask you, why isn’t the government mass-producing and storing long-life foodstuffs, in order to distribute them for free during times of crisis and national emergency?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ships no longer sail as no one wants to encounter Random Chaosian pirates.

2021-09-16 09:30

Lost at Sea

Years have passed since the failed search for the missing yacht Adventurer, which was reported lost with all hands, came to an end. Now it has finally been found, locked in pack ice in the ocean around Northern Brancaland. Nautical enthusiasts are asking how to prevent this from happening again.

  1. “Obviously, we need to have all recreational vessels create and submit a travel plan to my office before they leave port,” suggests your Maritime Minister, Jethras Putin, as he places a map of coastal Random Chaos on your desk. “If they transmit a distress call, we’ll send out rescue teams to search for them. They would have to pay a small fee to cover expenses, but it will be worth it for everyone’s safety.”
  2. “Then we could spend hours looking for them,” sarcastically remarks your Technology Minister, Natalie Winters, as she rips up the map and replaces it with a new globe. “Equip every vessel with radar and the latest GPS systems. We’ll monitor them from new tracking stations built all along the coastline, then we can send out rescue teams directly to them. The Coast Guard has been underfunded for years, I’m sure they would appreciate all these fancy new toys.”
  3. “Everyone knows that you’ll reach the Great Ice Wall if you sail too far!” exclaims fervent flat-earther, Valour Dumas, while trying to flatten your new globe with a rolling pin. “It would be too much hassle either way to track all these boats, especially when the solution is obvious: ban all recreational boating! If no one sails, no one will get trapped in ice.”
  4. “Avast! Ye government knaves have no right to dictate where me and me hearties travel!” shouts suspected pirate, Edward Teach, as he barges into your office and impales the remains of your globe with his cutlass. “The Gambler’s Revenge shall sail wherever she pleases! Ye landlubbing government scallywags must get rid of all restrictions on freedom of navigation in your territorial waters, or you’ll be walking the plank!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, turnstile jumpers grow up to be tax cheats.

2021-09-16 03:30

Fares Fair?

A recent audit of transit systems across Random Chaos revealed more cobwebs than coins in ticket vending machines, even though trains, buses, and ferries are as crowded as ever. Worried about rising numbers of fare evaders and the resulting decline in revenue, your Minister of Transportation urges you to take action — starting by going down into the local subway and seeing the problem for yourself.

  1. “The trains are barely running!” laments a subway driver, leaning out the window as the train releases a worrisome hiss. “I got stuck in the tunnel for an hour yesterday because of a faulty electrical line, but the higher-ups say there’s not enough money to fix it. To get transit budgets back on track, we need to raise ticket prices until we have enough to cover the full cost of keeping systems in operation. Sure, some people still won’t pay, but with the extra money from riders who do, this ol’ train could finally get a tune-up.”
  2. “Like fares aren’t already a rip off!” yells a teenager who was just arrested for attempting to jump over a fare gate. “Transit should be free! Everyone has the right to get where they need to go — rich people, poor people, people like me who, uh... left their transit pass at home. You have some tax money lying around to cover free fares, right?”
  3. “If you can’t pay the fare, don’t ride the train,” retorts police officer Federico Wong as he handcuffs the teen. “What we really need is more cops on the system to make sure everyone pays. Not only will it ensure steady fare revenue, but the trains will be safer too. To stop scofflaws like this one, we’ve also gotta get new security cameras, impregnable fare gates, heftier fines for fare-evading, and — hey, get back here!”
  4. “It’s not about the quantity of tickets you sell, but quality,” sneers Mr. Ron Opoly, a tycoon who owns all four railroads in a nearby coastal resort city. “It is only proper that the upper crust should travel in a manner befitting our wealth and status. My peers and I could be convinced to leave our limos if you added luxury train cars to subways, first-class reclining seats to buses, and private cabins to ferries. Those of us who like to travel in style will gladly pay more for a more refined transit experience, and our premium tickets will easily keep your budget afloat. The rest of the teeming masses can pack into steerage like they always have.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, brave curators do battle with disorganised government libraries.

2021-09-15 21:30

Raiders of the Lost Archive

News has reached your ears that a long-lost governmental document - known only as the Directiones Ad Balneo - has been finally discovered by a group of archivists that had adventured deep into the immense Random Chaos City Archives. Not wanting to risk their lives with such spelunking again, the archivists have petitioned the government to properly organise all of its innumerable files and records.

  1. “We almost lost Alexander to the jaws of a great book avalanche!” raves Efthamia Hunt, the archivist who led the expedition. “This whole thing was expensive, dangerous, and exhausting. You have to get your lackeys to go through every document we have and organise them, so that we don’t have to endure something like this again. Your team has to be ruthless and destroy any document that’s obsolete or redundant!” She grabs you tightly, and pulls you towards her. “Please, don’t send me back into that maw of legality and horror.”
  2. “A disorganised library is one with character,” argues Jethras Plath, picking up a discarded copy of a constitutional document. “These assortments of books act as reminders of our nation’s past, and they can act as a blueprint for the future. We have placed these records here over the years to preserve them and use them as bricks in an architectural masterpiece of colossal scale; it would be unwise to recklessly catalogue them in the pursuit of some notion of organisation. Besides, our government is running just fine and we have more important things to worry about.”
  3. “What’s to stop a thief from waltzing into those archives and stealing top-secret documents?” exclaims Natalie Webster, a prominent member of the Random Chaosian military. “It is clear that all of this bureaucratic faffing about is stifling Random Chaos’s actions. I propose that we transfer all confidential files to the military’s safe and secure hands, and rid ourselves of the other... disposable pieces of paperwork. After all, an efficient nation is one that does not look back into the pitiful past.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Truckler" to "Handshaker".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pet owners must make a payment if their charges leave a deposit.

2021-09-15 15:30

Putting Your Foot in It

While out jogging in the park, you step straight into a dog’s mess. Passers-by are quick to offer advice.

  1. “Disgusting, isn’t it?” asks city worker Herb Vajiralongkorn. “If you ask me, we need to clamp down on irresponsible dog owners. All public parks should be patrolled by dog wardens, able to dish out heavy fines to those who can’t be bothered picking up what their dumb pets’ behinds leave behind.”
  2. “Like that’s going to make any difference,” sneers professional dog-walker Marleen Collins. “The problem is a lack of places to dispose of the stuff. Nobody wants to carry around a smelly bag of doo-doo until they can find a place to put it. Install more bins, and that should do the trick.”
  3. “Ugh, dogs are so disgusting,” complains ailurophile Solya Keating, as the pet cat accompanying him drops a dead bird at his feet and cleans its paws with its tongue. “Felines are much lovelier than dogs; they groom themselves constantly, and do their business in a tray, not outside like those mangy canines do. With that in mind, I propose that we restrict the ownership of dogs with hefty license fees, and use that money on a national campaign promoting the virtues of cats instead.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has implemented minimum wage laws.

2021-09-15 09:30

Minimum Wage War

Workers all over Random Chaos have gone on a general strike demanding you create a minimum wage to alleviate poverty conditions.

  1. “We will not accept this exploitation any longer,” says Kayla Putin, through a megaphone. “Without a minimum wage law in place we’re forced to work for a pittance! How can I feed myself and my family if I can’t earn enough money? This corrupt government favours a system where the rich get richer at the expense of the working class. No longer! We demand a reasonable minimum wage!”
  2. “Reasonable? Since when have companies ever been ‘reasonable’ when it comes to money?” questions Parighosh Wiseau, president of the Random Chaos Socialist Alliance. “The government should increase taxes and guarantee a living wage so everybody, no matter what job they have, can have access to food, water, and other basic needs. If everyone has the money needed to survive, then things like the economy should take care of themselves. Stands to reason. But what you should be asking yourself is this: what’s more important, individuals or corporations?”
  3. “We don’t need any of these stupid communistic welfare policies,” says Vera Dunn, millionaire CEO and star of reality TV show ‘You’re Fired!’ “Living wages are unworkable! If you make workers expensive, then employers are just going to use fewer or lose profits. They should be grateful for a job, and if they don’t want to work, we should be able to boot them out and hire someone else, no questions asked. Hey, it’s not that I’m not compassionate. I’m the most compassionate person you’ll ever meet. The most!”
  4. “I agree, and honestly it’s a detriment to this nation’s businesses that we even have to PAY them wages,” extrapolates corporate executive John Nike. “If slavery was legal, I think we’d find the nation’s economy improving somewhat.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, strange men lingering in offices distributing television sets is a basis for a system of government.

2021-09-15 03:30

Public Protesting Pawnbroker Pickpockets

After a ring of black market fences were caught dealing in stolen goods from Random Chaos City to the rural village Noh Weir, pawn shops have fallen under scrutiny for their role in reselling illicitly-acquired wares.

  1. “Leader, I’ve had it up to here with these pawn shops. They’ve taken it a step too far!” The flustered Nomathemba deJong shakes her fist. “They bought my TV from a criminal! Then sold it back to me! Sure, it took me a week to even notice, and only because of the smell, but that doesn’t matter! They are accomplices to this crime, and I demand justice. No, I demand vengeance! No more second-hand stores!”
  2. “We don’t need such a drastic decision,” pipes up Minister of Justice Vincent Lannister. “We just need to regulate these stores. Before any product can be sold, run these items through some police databases, and take extensive notes on the seller to crosscheck for criminal history. Sure, it will cost the taxpayers a bit, but they’ll make it back with the great deals on used stereo systems.”
  3. Pawnbroker Casimir Ryan removes his sunglasses. “I’ve been in this business my whole life, like my father before me. But now a few bad apples are giving us a bad name. If you help subsidize a television show about our hard-working salespeople, maybe we can change the public’s mind. I’m sure we can meet halfway.”
  4. Heather Amin finally steps forward from the shadows, inviting you to kiss her ringed hand. “Look, Leader, let me be clear. This is a perfectly legitimate business. We can provide paperwork on our taxes and all. But I’d rather just give you a gift of a widescreen plasma TV. Just be careful, you might blind yourself on this picture quality. If you do, perhaps... turn that blinded eye toward our business.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens applying for their first jobs face fierce competition from the homeless.

2021-09-14 21:30

The Trouble With Hobos

After several complaints of the tripping hazards presented by sleeping bags on the doorsteps of public buildings, the citizens of Random Chaos have brought the problem of homelessness to your attention.

  1. “To be honest, I’d just like a place to stay,” says a scruffy man who’s been living under your desk. “Somewhere I don’t have some landlord breathing down my neck all the time. If the government could see fit to build some kind of free hostel where people could go if they’ve fallen on hard times, well, that’d be just great.”
  2. “You can’t possibly think that’s a good permanent solution!” cries Graham Obama, coordinator of the local soup kitchen. “What these people need is help to get their lives back on track. Yes, they have the right to a place to live, but they also need an honest job to pay for it. They need to be encouraged to work to become integrated into society again! Require the nation’s industries to create some basic jobs for these poor souls, and soon they will become pillars of the community!”
  3. “And who do you suppose pays for all this?” snaps Lucina Vajiralongkorn, one of your advisors. “Your loyal taxpayers, that’s who! People who actually work for the things they have! And let’s face it: these vagrants bring it on themselves - frittering their money away on rubbish and rollicking in unemployment while the rest of the world slaves away to make ends meet. They’re worthless scum and they gave up their ‘rights’ a long time ago. I say we leave them to their misery until they become a nuisance, then have them dealt with like any other criminal.”
  4. “As far as I can see, homeless people are already a nuisance,” says Salvatore Coleman, a proud citizen. “They’re mostly thieves and drug addicts, they make the streets a dangerous place for our children, they make honest people feel guilty for turfing them off their doorsteps and, frankly, they smell bad. They’re vermin, plain and simple, and as such, I suggest they be destroyed before the infestation gets even more out of hand.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Vassal" to "Truckler".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, those who cut young children are told to cut it out.

2021-09-14 16:00

The Unkindest Cut

Civil rights groups are calling you to action after journalists discovered that an isolated community in Random Chaos has been conducting female genital cutting on at least one girl every week.

  1. “Female circumcision is integral to our culture; you can’t sever it from us!” implores Felicity Serling, a Violetstone tribe elder. “It is a tradition that goes back thousands of years, from the time when Violet commanded Maharba to cut her daughter. The goddess demands a flesh sacrifice. Girls may fall ill after getting cut, but evil spirits are to blame for that. Sex is not for fun — it is for procreation! And procreation should be painful to remind us of the painful toil that the Creator Violet bore in creating our world. To appease the supernatural forces, offer free mandatory circumcision for all!”
  2. “Call it what it is — female genital mutilation!” rages activist Kusang Barnes. “These uncivilized, primitive savages are so ignorant! They’re genetically inferior monkeys with low-IQ brains. FGM has zero benefits and leads to so many harmful complications: infections, cysts, urinary problems, fistulae, bleeding, infertility, depression, and problems during pregnancy! That’s just the tip of the iceberg! Make female genital mutilation a crime of the highest order! Police must be allowed to do all they can to prevent and investigate it.”
  3. “As much as I appreciate and value other cultures, maybe I can draw the line here,” opines woke woman Heidi Gonzalez. “It’s all well and good if it’s consensual, just like a nose job or breast enhancement, but when it’s done on little girls because your ancestors or your god said so, that’s when I might object! We should make FGM illegal, but let’s not go out of our way to find instances of it happening, as it is a crime that can be easily hidden. Rather, we should spend money on reaching out to these insular communities to educate them and change their attitudes.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's museums are real penny-pinchers.

2021-09-14 09:30

Two Sides of a Coin

Following the abolition of the nation’s smallest denomination coin, the millions of unreleased pennies already minted with the next year’s date were ordered to be melted down. Since then, a few of these pennies have periodically emerged in the collector market, where they command a tremendous price, having apparently been smuggled out of the mint by an unknown employee.

  1. “Unissued coins are government property, and the mere act of possessing them is a crime!” proclaims mint superintendent Nellie Deal, binder in hand. “Those coins should be seized for destruction in compliance with the original order, and the full force of law should be brought against everybody involved in this blatant criminal enterprise.” Opening the binder to show a listing of auction records, she points to a particular sale. “I think I know where to start.”
  2. Museum donor Isaiah Swift-Longboard makes his way to your desk, carrying a long box. “Seize the coins and prosecute the criminals, yes, but destroying the few remaining pennies would make no cents! These coins survived against the odds, and should be placed in museums alongside Random Chaos’s other numismatic artifacts.” He opens the box to reveal a dozen slight variants of a similar coin, encapsulated in plastic slabs and differing only by date. “Aren’t they so interesting?”
  3. “You can’t just take these away!” howls shoe designer and coin collector Farouk Whiteman, clutching a penny in his hand. “A functionary at the local licensing office put an approval stamp on the auctioneer’s filing paperwork, so that means the government approved the sale. I had no idea it was stolen!” Sliding a grainy photocopy of the alleged document across the table, he continues. “See this? If you go back on your word and seize it now, that would be like a second theft!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, large areas of Random Chaos are not accessible by the public.

2021-09-14 03:30

Right of Way or Wrong of Way?

An increasing number of land owners have been fencing off footpaths which run through or near their property and as a result you have been petitioned by The Ramblers’ and Hikers’ Association to allow the ‘right to roam’.

  1. Boromir Hanover, a famous hiker of Random Chaos’s countryside, storms into your office, arms waving dangerously. “These pompous land owners are fencing off hundreds of years of tradition! The public should have right of way by law! It is every man’s right to be able to enjoy the scenic beauty of our native lands and I don’t see why some toffee-nosed prat should be the only person allowed to walk around his hundreds of acres of land when most of us don’t even have one! It’s simply unforgivable! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a walk! Wherever I ruddy well like!”
  2. “It’s trespass, plain and simple,” says Ginny Nygma, wealthy owner of six mansions. “My home is my castle! If these smelly ramblers think they can abuse and defile my land, they should start thinking again! You’ve got to look at this reasonably: where people go, pollution follows. Before I know it I’m going to have litter in my fields, drunken parties in my woods, and more eroded footpaths than I can count! Will they be the ones paying to have it all maintained? Not likely! I say no to this ‘right to roam’ rubbish! This land is mine, and I intend to keep it that way.”
  3. “There’s an opportunity in every problem,” says Louis Uhura, your Minister of Rural Affairs. “And there’s always some sort of compromise. We could simply allocate some government funding to teams of environmental workers to maintain and promote our network of footpaths that anyone may use... for a price. Think of the money we could get from all those hikers and ramblers! Not to mention the tourists, birdwatchers, and hippies! Everybody wins! Except for those who can’t afford the fees, I guess, but you can’t please everyone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people take government jobs for the frequent flier miles.

2021-09-13 21:30

Relief Is Coming... In Four to Six Weeks

A hurricane recently devastated island chains under the aegis of Random Chaos, causing billions of chips in damage and displacing millions of citizens. The national emergency services are doing their best to meet the needs of the crisis, but with the recent airplane ban, relief is taking much longer to come to those affected.

  1. “My house is gone, my neighborhood flooded, where’s my government?” shouts disgruntled evacuee Daisy Merkel over the phone. “These islands are a thousand miles off the coast. We’ll be waiting weeks for what limited resources our emergency services can provide with the few ships they have. I’ll be lucky if I get a bottle of water. It’s clear to me that the government didn’t give a second thought to all the ramifications of banning airplanes, and now we, the citizens, are paying for it! If you have any compassion for the well-being of your people, you’ll legalize air travel again and send help toot sweet!”
  2. “Take a deep breath, Leader,” advises your Minister of the Environment Inigo Stone, “You smell that? That’s clean air. And when was the last time you read about a terrorist taking over an airliner? Oh that’s right; there hasn’t been one since the ban. If anything, we should have stricter environmental standards on cars and ships. Listen, it’s unfortunate that these people are having their relief delayed, but maybe that’ll motivate them to adequately prepare next time. They decided to live in a hurricane zone after all.”
  3. “Obviously, we goofed,” says your Minister of Transportation Miley Butt, “These sorts of humanitarian mess-ups shouldn’t happen. But we shouldn’t be willing to sacrifice all the benefits of the ban either. We should legalize air travel for government use only. That way necessary services won’t be delayed, but we won’t wreck our environment or endanger our nation. As an added bonus, you’ll be able to go to international conferences without having to drive across the border to use Maxtopia’s airports first.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Apprentice" to "Vassal".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government ministers claim to ride dragons to work.

2021-09-13 15:30

Here Be Dragons?

The discovery of an ancient map that says “Here Be Dragons” at an archaeological dig close to Random Chaos City has generated a storm of public interest, and a disturbingly high percentage of the population has indicated on a survey that they actually believe dragons exist.

  1. “Do we really have to go through this again?” sighs Education Minister Sasha Medina, while reading through a woefully inaccurate high school history textbook. “The map was obviously just talking about lizards or something. Dragons aren’t real! If the people really are this credulous, then it’s just a sign that we need to give the education budget another boost. If you need the funding, you can take it from that religious ministry. It’s that superstitious mumbo-jumbo that has people believing in imaginary creatures anyway.”
  2. “It most certainly does not!” protests Religious Affairs Minister Anna Stephenson. “Do you really think our sacred books are full of seven-headed ten-crowned dragons? If you want to find someone to blame, the fault is clearly with those godless fantasy authors and television producers, filling our young people’s heads with rubbish and anti-religious propaganda. We must censor works like that hedonistic Play of Crowns series so they can’t corrupt our children!”
  3. “Okay, so dragons don’t exist... yet,” agrees Minister of Science and Technology Enrique Burke, while poking a strange-looking animal with a cattle prod. “Although with recent advances in biological splicing, who knows? If you allotted a little extra in the budget for science, and eased up on some of those research restrictions, we could start creating all sorts of creatures in our labs. Maybe we could even try a field test of Prototype #42?”
  4. “I’m not sure there’s anything actually wrong with the public believing dragons exist,” muses Minister of Whispers Kendra Head, while feeding a flock of little birds. “If you ask me, they’ve been getting a little uppity lately. Remember that protest last week, simply because you wanted to erect your statue in Random Chaos City Square? Let’s start spreading rumours that you really do have dragons - a whole flight of them! They’ll think twice about speaking out over the new tax bill then! Fire and blood!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sexuality-questioning teenagers are placed in locked rooms with dirty magazines and lewd posters.

2021-09-13 09:30

You Are Feeling Very Very Sleepy and Not at All Gay

A controversial new health center has opened in Random Chaos City, offering what it terms “spiritual counseling for young people confused about sex and gender”. Critics charge that its practices amount to conversion therapy: trying to “cure” homosexuality by pressuring vulnerable teenagers.

  1. “Homosexuality is not something that needs to be ‘cured’, nor is it a choice!” fumes gay rights activist Ariel Parke while burning a feather boa in protest. “We have fought so hard to be recognized as people with the same rights as everyone else, and now we have these quacks taking advantage of vulnerable young people with their religiously-inspired bigotry! Conversion therapy needs to be banned in Random Chaos and our rights protected!”
  2. “No one is taking advantage of anyone,” counters therapist Faramir vonBismarck, a self-declared gay conversion success story, giving it to you straight. “We simply offer a service to families requesting our intervention. Everything is completely voluntary and above board. Don’t ban legitimate medical procedures just because you can’t accept that sexual orientation is a choice! Some of these young people come to us in such a state of misery and confusion, and we offer them solace and comfort. We’re doing the Almighty’s work, after all.”
  3. “Compromise, compromise, compromise!” chants your Minister of Compromises and Trust Falls while organizing the next retreat for your cabinet. “If someone agrees to undergo so-called conversion therapy, then it’s no business of the state to interfere in that. However, it should only be available to consenting adults. We also shouldn’t allow parents to force their children to undergo these often humiliating therapies. So let’s keep the centers operating, but only for adults who want the services.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teachers regularly paddle unruly students.

2021-09-13 03:30

Put the “Board” Back in Board of Education

The Random Chaos Teachers’ Union, complaining of a steady increase in student disciplinary problems, wants to be able to use corporal punishment to correct misbehavior.

  1. “Clearly, parents aren’t teaching manners at home,” says Solya Kringle, the union president. “All we want is to be able to take a paddle to their backsides when there are problems. It’s not like we want to throw the kids in jail.”
  2. “Keep your hands off my kids!” shouts Ashwin Romero, while protesting outside of union headquarters. “If there’s a problem, it’s with the teachers not having the skills to do their jobs. They should be tested for qualifications!”
  3. “Corporal punishment would only treat a symptom of the bigger problem: our education system is in need of an overhaul,” says Faith Roll, Random Chaos’s education minister. “We need smaller class sizes, more teachers, better buildings, and better pay. It’ll cost, but it’ll pay off in the long run.”
  4. “Why don’t we just kick these unruly kids out, and force parents to home-school them?” asks Kim Foster, education coordinator for the Random Chaos First Omnimenical Church. “That way parents can stress the values they want their kids to have and give them the attention they need.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, political commentators say that Leader's fruitcake plans are about to go pear-shaped.

2021-09-12 21:30

A Pretty Pass

The World Travel Foundation has just released their annual Passport Index, where nations are ranked according to how many countries their citizens can visit without a visa. Much to the dismay of your globetrotting compatriots, Random Chaos is placed near the bottom of this list, as many countries are wary of Random Chaosian tourists for security reasons.

  1. “I can’t believe I need a visa to visit a stupid whippersnapper country like East Calypso!” exclaims Rex Savage, a retired schoolteacher wearing a floral print shirt, angrily tossing his luggage on the floor. “This is all because of your regressive policies, Leader. Maybe if we reached out to other nations instead of being so stubbornly insular, Random Chaosians wouldn’t be seen as potential spies, terrorists, or illegal immigrants. How about you send some conciliatory fruit baskets to foreign leaders and ask them to ease travel restrictions for us?”
  2. “Nah, I can assure you those fruit baskets don’t work; I speak from experience,” says Aaron Atwood, the ambassador from Ausblic, another country your citizens cannot visit without a visa. “After all, you can’t trade apples for oranges... er, I mean apples for visa-free travel. You should offer us something more substantial. For example, maybe you could open your tourism market to Ausblickese companies, and we could abolish all travel restrictions for your citizens, and lobby for other countries to follow suit.” He hefts a voluminous contract onto your desk. “If you agree, just sign here, here, and here.”
  3. “Noooooo!” yells Darya Gilbreth, a very patriotic secretary of yours, tumbling into the room and grabbing the pen from your hand. “An eye for an eye! As per the principle of reciprocity, we should grant visa-free travel only to people from countries that do the same for us. Sure, this might have a slightly negative effect on our tourism industry, but our reputation is much more important. Don’t let us be seen as weaklings, Leader. Show them our power!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Squire" to "Apprentice".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, public intoxication has decreased ever since fraternities were banned.

2021-09-12 15:30

Fraternity Furor

After a drunken brawl between rival fraternities resulted in the deaths of five university students, concerned citizens across Random Chaos have questioned whether fraternities serve a purpose in modern society.

  1. “Dude! You can’t ban fraternities,” says Urkyen Yossef, member of Mu Alpha Xi, while crushing a beer can against his forehead. “Fraternities are like a brotherhood. They give us a sense of belonging. Sure, some of us may get a little out of hand, but we have a right to hang out with whoever we want. Don’t we have like, uh, freedom of assembly or something like that in Random Chaos?”
  2. “Fraternities continue to be an embarrassment to Random Chaosian universities,” muses your geeky nephew as he peeks his head over a quantum physics textbook. “Don’t forget that the same guys who shoved me into lockers in high school are the same ones being caught uttering awful chants and participating in hooliganism. College isn’t about getting drunk and partying. It’s about studying, working hard, and preparing yourself for the real world. Shutter the frat houses, so us students can study in peace and quiet.”
  3. “Come now, old sport, you can’t listen to this poppycock,” scoffs grey-haired University of Random Chaos City alumnus Koa Farmer, sporting a swordstick and a hat displaying the symbol of an alleged secret society. “Back in my day we didn’t have these problems with our fraternities. The problem is because you allow any Tom, Dick, and Harry into our fine organizations without the proper credentials. Fraternities used to be only for the wealthy and shall we say, better citizens. Go back to the old ways and I’m sure these scandals will disappear.”
  4. “The problem isn’t fraternities. It is alcohol!” invokes Reverend Joylove. “Some of these young men are a part of my flock and are otherwise upstanding citizens of society. I’m sure that they would never have become involved in a violent fistfight if it weren’t for the alcohol polluting their bodies and souls. Instead of punishing the sinner, we must eradicate the sin. Alcohol is the devil’s nectar, and it poisons the mind! For the good of society, we must ban all alcohol in Random Chaos!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the new intercity submarine SSN Gambler Warrior instills terror in claustrophobic travellers.

2021-09-12 09:30

Take to the Skies

The Maxtopian ambassador Lisbeth Scheer was recently shipwrecked on her way to meet with you. Thankfully, your coast guard rescued her and brought her safely to your office. She is still angry, however, since she would have preferred to fly into your country if your aircraft ban hadn’t stopped her from doing so.

  1. “This is wholly unacceptable!” gargles Her Excellency as she wrings out her still-wet hair, dropping a little anchovy on your carpet. “Do you know how long it takes to get from Maxtopia to Random Chaos by boat? Five days! Forgive me, Leader, but I don’t think it’s fair that you have a universal ban on aircraft. Might I propose that diplomatic and governmental aircraft be exempt from the ban? You know, you can keep the riff-raff out of the skies, but top-flight people like you and me should have top-flight privileges.”
  2. “I’m inclined to agree with you, Your Excellency,” says Ryan Bacon, your secretary who used to be an Air Random Chaos pilot, with a husky voice. “But I don’t think it goes far enough. I think we should unleash the freedom of the skies, unchain the passion of flying, and let all airplanes take us - and our ground-bound economy - to the clouds above!”
  3. “Go fly a k-kite!” exclaims stuttering aviophobe Alfons Gilligan, as he emerges from the lunch cart he snuck in on. “Our c-current system is j-just fine. The boat… the boat is the only sure way to get from point A to B safely and reliably - and if we need a b-bigger fleet, why not s-seize some of the n-navy ships and re-purpose them for p-public use?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Mining Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's soldiers often believe they're in the Air Force.

2021-09-12 03:30

Blitzed

Recent historical research has revealed that the Smalltopian army’s ‘Lightning War’ was ultimately successful because their troops had been given large doses of methamphetamine. Your top generals have encircled you in your office and this conversation isn’t going to be an easy trip.

  1. “The Smalltopians crushed their enemies with their Lightning War,” states Lieutenant General Bannon, well known for her singular battlefield tactic of ‘more cannon fodder’. “They marched non-stop for four days and nights through thick forest, while carrying full packs, then fought and easily defeated their foes at the end. If Random Chaos wants to win any future wars quickly and efficiently, we need to start issuing our troops with methamphetamines.”
  2. “Methamphetamine does seem to be a useful addition to a war effort,” ponders Major General Goff, who prefers to lead by example. “However, there are health issues to consider. Methamphetamine should only be given to elite troops on dangerous missions. When those missions are over, there needs to be a comprehensive rehabilitation period to make sure no one is addicted or suffering from any side effects.”
  3. “Methamphetamine is a lethal drug!” declares General Andrew Cheavers-Ciphil of the Army Medical Corps, as he hands out pamphlets on the dangers of narcotics. “If we want our troops to win battles, then they must be fully coherent and at the peak of their physical fitness — not pumped full of drugs! In fact, all forms of substance abuse must be banned in the military: narcotics, alcohol, tobacco and even caffeine.”
  4. “Why only soldiers?” questions your secretary, as he grinds his teeth incessantly, makes you a drink with one hand and takes meeting minutes with the other. “Look at all this work I have piled up on my desk, not to mention all the other tasks I’m expected to carry out. There’s never enough time in the day! Dose every worker in Random Chaos with methamphetamines and see how efficient they become!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, community organizers have given up going door to door because nobody is home.

2021-09-11 22:30

Home Is Where the Lung Is

Recent studies have concluded that the indoor air quality in Random Chaosian buildings often reaches unhealthy levels, leading to decreased comfort and productivity across the nation. That explains why all your meetings this morning were interrupted by the sounds of your assistants sneezing and coughing throughout the office.

  1. “There’s a simple solution to this!” declares Kerath Bender, CEO of the trendy tech startup Vaporware LLC. “Our smart air purifiers will clean all those pesky particulates out of your homes and workplaces, and they even come with a bright LED display that glows one of 500 different colors to tell the user exactly what the machine’s doing. Just sign here and my company will sell you enough air purifiers to put those bad boys in every building in Random Chaos!”
  2. “There’s no need to blow through money like that,” snuffles your runny-nosed Minister of Safety, still clutching the tissue box that he has been carrying all morning. “Many indoor air pollutants come from the organic compounds found in building materials, paint, and cleaning products. If we restrict the use of these chemicals, we’ll tackle the root of the problem, and we won’t have to worry about biting off more than we can a-a-CHEW!”
  3. “This wouldn’t be such a problem if people weren’t spending all their time inside,” rebuts lonely park ranger Peggy Grossweiner, who deserted her post to meet with you without anybody noticing. “If you invest in public parks, plazas, and hiking trails, I think you’ll see more people enjoying the great outdoors and less people complaining about this whole indoor air quality thing, since they won’t be exposed to it anymore! Well, not as much, anyway.”
  4. “New machines? New restrictions? You’re all absolutely insane!” interrupts a disgruntled old man who you don’t recall inviting to this meeting. “You know what we did back in my day when we wanted fresh air? That’s right, open a goddang window! You should just mandate that every building open all their windows for two hours a day. Problem solved.” The man then exits the room via the open window behind him.

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Zero" to "Squire".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bleach is the nation's most common pesticide.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, when their backs are against the walls Random Chaosians look out for gay men.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is loathed abroad for dumping all of its waste in international waters.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is said that a Random Chaosian woman's work is never done.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians that report exaggerated crowd sizes for their speeches are dismissed for being delusional.

2021-09-11 15:30

Teach Your Farmers Well

After witnessing the horrors of both falling crop yields and furious farmers, your Secretary of Agriculture has proposed state-funded agricultural education.

  1. “Agriculture used to be the primary industry of Random Chaos and now look at us! Our lettuce is a let-down and our beets are barely pink!” exclaims Lancelot Pond, your Secretary of Agriculture. “But just send some funding to colleges, and show those city boys how to weed, water, and sow! It’ll cost the taxpayer, but I’m sure they’ll sacrifice a few chips for firmer tomatoes and browner potatoes!”
  2. “Well, that’s one option,” muses Rochelle Wessex, an acquaintance of your brother’s mother-in-law, “but this is such a fundamental sector of our economy that we can’t leave it up to the farmers to choose whether they go to college or not. The government ought to make getting a degree mandatory to enter agriculture. Doctors and lawyers already need them, and can you really call them more important than the farmers?”
  3. “Mandatory degree?!” thunders Aaron Dlamini from atop his tractor. “Them college boys don’t know nothing about farmin’ that my old man didn’t teach me! We’ve been tilling this land for seven generations, and by hickory we know how to do it best - we don’t need any guv’ment folks tellin’ us where to plant potatoes or what pest killers we can use! Now some of us farmers ain’t the best, but same goes for those university-educated doctors and lawyers!” He trails off, still angrily waving an absurdly tiny carrot.
  4. “You know, all this talk has got me thinking,” notes socialist thinker Diego Leach, brandishing a sickle. “Random Chaos has plenty of arable land, just perfect for cultivation. But we’re going about it precisely the wrong way. You just can’t trust private citizens with the people’s own food. If we just nationalize the farms, production will surely rise! And with it, the proletariat!”
2021-09-11 15:30

Bloodied but Unbowed

You have come to your office this morning to find that your tea hasn’t been brewed, your meeting schedule hasn’t been laid out, and your plants haven’t been watered. There has been a delay in everything as your assistant, Anna Hanover, has been slacking off work today because it is her ‘time of the month.’

  1. “I can’t take it any more, Leader!” wails Anna Hanover, plumping down on your chair in her pajamas — then taking a sip from her chamomile tea and rubbing her belly. “For some women like me, periods are too bloody painful to concentrate on work. All female employees should have a right to paid menstrual leave for up to five days every month. Period. This way, instead of writhing in pain in our workplaces with little to no productivity, we can go shop — err, I mean, take a warm, relaxing shower and rest.”
  2. “Oh, cry me a river!” exclaims Nebuchadnezzar Nxumalo, your misogynistic Minister of Finance, while rolling his eyes at Anna Hanover. “Do you have any idea how much money these ‘menstrual vacations’ will cost our taxpayers? But no, these snivelling moaners find a new thing to whine about every day: they want breastfeeding breaks, employment quotas, and now this! Hey, my mother was a woman too, but she never complained about anything. When she was pregnant with me, she worked on our cotton field for 12 hours a day, even if it was her time of the month! Do away with this sex-based discrimination and abolish all special concessions to women. And tell this whimperer to take a painkiller — then get back to work!”
  3. “How could you even suggest this?” enquires Engelbert Turner, your Minister of Chivalry, with a condescending smile on his face. “I think we are looking at the problem in the wrong way. Has it ever occurred to you that doing office drudgery may actually be too harsh and stressful for the frail bodies of the fair sex? I think there would be no need for menstrual leave if women were strongly encouraged to do easy and stress-free menial jobs, like basket-weaving or bead-threading. What do you think?”
2021-09-11 15:30

Gay Men Held by Police

Random Chaosian tourists Boris McDuck and Philip Sparkle were recently on a romantic city break in the capital of Sacerdia, and like many other couples made a point of kissing by moonlight on the world-famous Lovers’ Bridge. Unfortunately for them, homosexuality is a crime in Sacerdia, and they were arrested.

  1. “Boris and Philip perhaps could have been more circumspect, but they’re Random Chaosian citizens who have committed no crime under our laws,” observes Random Chaosian Consulate Officer Paul Myfinger. “We have a moral obligation to negotiate their release. I suggest we could make a couple of economic concessions, such as surrendering some of our nation’s share of fishing rights in international waters to Sacerdia. In return, our out-of-the-closet citizens can be gotten out of hot water. I’m also confident we can establish procedures to send home any future Random Chaosians arrested there. Everybody wins.”
  2. Reverend Indy Nile is both a priest and a general in the Sacerdian Holy Army, and he has a counter-proposal. “Gayness is against the will of the Lord our God. We will give you back these transgressors, but you must recognise the holy truth that homosexuality is a grave sin. Ban batty-boy loving in Random Chaos, and we’ll extradite these criminals to your jurisdiction. Let us move forward together, in faith.” He gazes up adoringly at a semi-naked statuary depiction of his deity.
  3. “We have to be balanced about this, I’m afraid,” offers Foreign Office diplomat Hyde Yorlove. “Out of respect for judicial sovereignty we must leave the couple to the mercy of the Sacerdian justice system. To stop this happening again, maybe we can set up a bureau to issue guidance and travel advice for gay holiday-makers.”
  4. “RAAAAAAAAAARGH!” bellows perpetually angry gay activist Neil Foreman, tipping your desk over in a rage. “I am Gay Man! Hear me roar! My leader, we cannot negotiate with filthy homophobes and bigoted scum! Send the army in, and rescue my proud brethren, then bomb Sacerdia till they agree to repeal their homophobic laws. We’ll give these blighters cold hard steel... cause they don’t like it up ‘em, you know!”
2021-09-11 15:30

Random Chaos in the Time of Cholera

Reports of cholera deaths have skyrocketed due to the sewage contaminating Random Chaos’s rivers.

  1. “People are dropping like flies out here!” cries Doctor Alice Fox, whose dishevelled appearance suggests that the flies are actually doing quite well. “This is all the fault of the corrupt, uncaring sewage companies that dump waste into our rivers. We need to enforce harsher environmental regulations and make them pay to clean up the mess they created!”
  2. “We don’t pump our water from the sea,” suggests Earnest McClaine, night shift manager at Random Chaos Water & Utility. “Why not just put our waste on barges and dump it far out in international waters? We at RCW&U will be pumping nice clean water again, and the waste will never be a problem for anyone but foreigners, so it’s win-win.”
2021-09-11 15:30

Tilting at Wind Turbines

An unprecedented spectacle unfolded yesterday when Minister of Energy Don Lamancha was attending a conference on alternate energy resources. Lamancha is reported to have attacked a wind turbine with an improvised spear, all the time shouting loudly that it was trying to kill him. It turns out that the minister was suffering from schizophrenia, which he had not previously disclosed for fear of losing his job.

  1. “My behaviour was completely uncalled for,” apologizes Lamancha. “My medication timings were a little mixed up by all the travelling, and I genuinely believed for a moment that the wind turbine was a giant. I assure you, I am still capable of doing my job, and it would be a good thing for this country if you were to show some kindness here. No-one should be discriminated against because of mental illness.”
  2. “He must stand down!” grandiosely demands your Secretary of State Sigmund Narcissus, stepping directly in front of the Energy Minister with clear intent to exclude the man. “It’s fine for mentally weak people to participate in low-level jobs like pizza delivery or drink-bottling, but they have no business being in government. Imagine the danger that we would face if we left cruise missile launch codes with a psychotic individual! Politicians with mental disorders must be given the sack.”
  3. “That doesn’t go far enough!” screams your National Security Advisor, who appears to be wearing a highly-reflective helmet. “How can we be sure that people with mental disorders won’t poison our food or sabotage our infrastructure in a fit of madness? We must bar them completely from all forms of employment. That way-” He stops abruptly and glares suspiciously at a nearby television. “Can we adjourn to another room? I think we’re being spied on.”

random_chaos relocated from lazarus to the_hatrackia.

random_chaos was refounded in lazarus.

random_chaos ceased to exist in the_hatrackia.

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Powerbroker" to "Power".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, you can bet your bottom dollar that gambling will cost you an arm and a leg.

2021-07-20 04:00

Bet Your Life

Alexei Bouvier, a usually unremarkable 45-year-old sanitation worker, was recently detained after trying to tight-rope walk naked across the canyon between two financial district skyscrapers. It turns out this was for a bet, or more accurately as the price of a wager in an illegal “extreme casino”, where gamblers are allowed and encouraged to offer non-financial stakes. In these places any wager can be agreed, be it body parts, sexual favours or binding agreements.

  1. “I’m a man of integrity; I had to honour the agreed stakes,” enthuses the gambler, shivering in a police cell and seemingly showing no contrition for his foolishness. “Honestly, you need to allow this sort of thing in legal casinos. It’s a real thrill, knowing that the next turn of the card could win you thousands, or could literally cost you your balls.”
  2. “This poor idiot is a victim, both of his own gambling addiction and of the criminal subculture that abuses that dependence to manipulate the weak-minded,” lectures Police Chief Emmanuel Harishchandra, as he posts a notice banning his officers from buying lottery scratchcards. “We need more police officers to crack down on illegal casinos, mental health support to help deal with gambling addiction, and social workers to help deal with the root causes of gambling. Don’t play dice with our nation’s future, Leader.”
  3. “You don’t have to go to either extreme,” says casino owner Kellyanne O'Bannon. “Rather, there’s a market-based solution here. Make monetary gambling more attractive by making legal casinos more exciting. Loosen the rules restricting addiction-friendly gambling environments. We can then use amphetamine-laced sodas, all night lock-ins, high stakes slot machines and all the other tricks of the trade to optimise our business. Let us addict the customers to proper casinos, and there won’t be any market share for the illegal ones.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a cat may look at a king and a dude can look at an ass.

2021-07-19 22:00

My Eyes Are Up Here

At the latest round of meetings between Brancaland and Random Chaos, the feminine graces of one of the foreign female diplomats were notable, and Random Chaosian aides were caught staring at her in every place other than her eyes.

  1. “These damn men need to lift their eyes and close their gawping mouths!” shouts Violet Farmer, leader of the Alliance For Empowering Women Who Agree With Me. “Our culture raises men to believe they can treat women however they want to, which is utterly not the case. The only way to fix this is legislating against objectification of women, and treating ogling eyes as sexual harassment!”
  2. “Seems a little harsh, no?” interjects Leroy Mansbridge, a human resources manager at a law firm in downtown Gambler City. “Our firm has an impeccable reputation for treating women correctly, and that is because we ensure all new hires go through a mandatory training policy teaching them that women are to be treated respectfully, chivalrously and politely. Maybe you could introduce this nationwide, and you’ll see the same results we have.”
  3. “It’s not my fault a pretty woman decided to wear a flattering dress to the meeting,” counters one of your aides accused of having a roaming gaze. “So what if I like to give women attention? It’s natural, it’s heterosexual male biology, it’s a compliment, for goodness sake! Are we seriously considering government regulating the involuntary movements of my eyeballs? Let’s be a more permissive society, and say that people can put their gaze wherever they want.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, door-to-door salesmen are frequently beaten up by 'vigilantes'.

2021-07-19 16:00

Put the Phone Down on Cold Calling?

A growing group of Random Chaos’s citizens are battling for an end to unrequested solicitations from salesmen.

  1. “This has to stop,” says mild-mannered parent Amelia Rhee. “My family can’t even have dinner without being interrupted at least five times by telemarketers or door-to-door salesmen! My privacy is being invaded! The government ought to ban all forms of unrequested solicitations from salespeople. The sanity of the populace is at stake here!”
  2. “This must be a joke,” retorts insurance sales solicitor Elmo Yates, in between cold calls. “Telemarketing and door-to-door sales are some of the most effective methods of increasing revenues. Banning them would be a huge blow to business, and put thousands of workers out of their jobs! Let’s face the facts - Random Chaos needs an economy, and banning cold calls isn’t the best of ways to improve it! One way you could improve it would be to, say, give us some government funds. For the sake of Random Chaos, of course.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos has become a gigantic dustbowl filled with tourists and mean desperados.

2021-07-19 10:00

Deserts Devouring Random Chaos’s Countryside

Due to desertification, the transition of habitable land to desert as a result of overcultivation and the increasing degradation of the environment, much of Random Chaos’s once-green rural areas are turning into barren, rocky deserts.

  1. “This is a disaster,” wails Robin Howard, your Minister of the Environment. “We’ve been too lax on letting the agriculture sector overgraze and overcrop our lands and now we’re paying the price. There needs to be some serious cutback on what farmers are allowed to do, or before you know it we’re going to be scaling sand dunes on the way to work.”
  2. “‘Ey there, you stupid townie, what about us?” shouts Farmer’s Union Leader Ásmunda Perry, waving a pitchfork from atop a combine harvester parked outside. “We’s just goin’ t’ be tole we’re out of a job? Tha’ best way t’ goes about this is t’ promote stuff like that there recyclin’, crop rotatin’, an’ biodiversity, and t’ gives us tha’ subsidies we needs t’ work in ‘armony wi’ mother nature. Desertification ain’t no irreversible thing, an’ claimin’ tha’ land back will be slow and bloody expensive, by thunder. But oi’m sure tha’ taxpayers will be more than ‘appy t’ aid us ‘umble farmers in our plight, and maybe gives us a little more say in things in future, so’s this can’t ‘appen again.”
  3. “Yee-haw, these here deserts are the greatest thang that’s happened in YARS!” drawls noted cowboy Hamish McGraw, twirling his shootin’ irons. “This is just what Random Chaos needs! Just git a stagecoach out har an tha’ foreign types will come a-flockin,’ y’all see if ah’m wrong! We don’t need no fundin’ f’ tha’ environment! Them’s farmers c’n jus’ git minin’ fer GOLD!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cops with assault weaponry are forcing their way into private homes to search for terrorists.

2021-07-19 04:00

Delivering the Goods

Success! After months of hard work, the police have busted a contraband-smuggling operation of incredible size, with several warehouses of a variety of illegal goods broken open and the ringleaders arrested. As all are cheering the police for their fine work, the question of what you should actually do with all this contraband is being raised.

  1. “These ivory statuettes are from the tusks of endangered species,” says Customs Officer Gretel Matei. “We can’t allow them into circulation, but to destroy art like this seems a shame. Maybe put them into a public museum, and preserve them for posterity.”
  2. “Considerable firepower on display here,” says SWAT-team leader Ludwig Smith. “If I were you, I’d want to know to which dissident group these guns were intended. Put the confiscated firearms in the armoury of the police and military, and give us the all clear to find the terrorists, and deal with them with extreme force. I call it Operation: Ironic Takedown.”
  3. “This is something of a haul, but these aren’t trade goods anymore: they’re evidence!” says Judiciary Director Sabina Bond. “The goods should be stored as such till the legal processes are complete, then they should be carefully destroyed with a clear accounting trail to ensure ethical practice.”
  4. “So, I make it almost a billion chips in goods here,” ponders your Treasury Minister, staring at an unethically-sourced blood diamond. “How about we sell this stuff, as official plunder? The revenue boost would be great for this year’s budget deficit. Tax cuts are good, right? This is our stuff now, after all.”
  5. “You know, I can’t help but think that a lot of this contraband wouldn’t be illegal in a more liberal country,” observes one of the smugglers, from the chair your men have tied him to. “You ever considered changing your laws to allow some free trade and personal freedom, maybe? Like, if you could personally free me, that’d be great.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, companies balk at paying their workers.

2021-07-18 22:00

No Vocation Without Remuneration

Labor organizations are outraged by the practice of unpaid internships following the death of a student intern who worked hundred-hour weeks, desperately trying to get ahead in the finance industry. The unions are demanding the end of unpaid employment.

  1. “I can’t believe the government is allowing this barbaric practice to continue in Random Chaos!” shouts student union leader Gabriel Wu into a megaphone. “We work long hours doing tedious work for no pay. It’s pure corporate exploitation. I’d hardly call alphabetizing papers or washing a CEO’s feet valuable work experience. The government must put an end to this horrendous scam!”
  2. “You can’t seriously be considering this nonsense?” gasps Tourism CEO Emmanuel Einstein as he plucks grapes from a silver platter held by a disgruntled female intern. “We provide our sla- I mean interns with the most glamorous work that the industry has to offer. They are a great asset to our company. Sure, they might not get paid, but we offer them valuable work experience that they can’t get anywhere else. And if they work hard, we even give them a reference. What’s wrong with that?”
  3. “Why bother with internships at all?” muses Rinzi Love, an economics advisor, while lazily checking stock options. “The real solution would be to abolish all labor and workers’ rights laws and allow each company to set their own standards. Then you’ll see what jobs are really worth in Random Chaos. Without these labor restrictions, workers can freely find a workplace that offers better pay, and dumb loopholes like internships and worker’s comp will be a thing of the past.”
  4. “MORE deregulation?” snaps Abraham Shiomi, your student intern, for once taking a break from filing your papers. “As if Random Chaos wasn’t capitalist enough. Fixing economic exploitation is going to take a lot more than outlawing internships. Stop the bourgeoisie from leeching off of everyone’s labor, and us workers could finally go to work knowing our hours of toil were actually building society. If you cared about anyone besides the rich, you’d nationalize the economy post-haste.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, older citizens lament over the loss of law and order.

2021-07-18 16:00

A Polar Bear’s Tale

An anonymous caller recently asked the police to break up a party at Gambler City Beach, citing an ancient law that states: ‘Goers unto the coast must be accompanied by an ursine beast of white fur’. This antiquated statute, leftover from long ago, after an influential courtier had trouble selling two dozen imported polar bears, was never rescinded. A re-examination of the many frivolous and archaic laws that are hidden within the nation’s legislative archives has found its way to you.

  1. “This is a stupid law!” complains Severus Smiley, who was interrogated by the police during the incident. “I was questioned for half an hour because I didn’t have a polar bear! Where am I supposed to find a polar bear? I’ve done some reading up on these old laws: did you know that in the district of West Random Chaos City it’s illegal for ladies to go out on Saturdays with a non-matching watch and handbag? These laws are foolish, and you should get rid of them.”
  2. “You can’t be serious!” exclaims Kitty Blofeld, your secretary, who’s wearing goggles because she is within 50 cubits of a fire hose, a law that applies only to the inside of Parliament. “We can’t go around erasing all these half-witted laws — that would be way too much administrative work! We should just issue guidelines to our police officers, advising them to use their discretion about whether to enforce these laws.”
  3. “Excuse me, but you seem to be forgetting that these people broke the law,” reminds goggleless Chief of Police Emily Hall, taking care to stand 51 cubits from the fire hose. “I don’t care how ‘stupid’ you think it is: the fact of the matter is that these people disobeyed the law! Sentence them as they would have been punished when these laws were written!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gambler-wagons to Random Chaos City are often canceled due to excessive levels of manure on the roads.

2021-07-18 10:00

Come Fly With Me?

A recent Air Random Chaos flight departing from Random Chaos City Airport was overbooked, resulting in the violent removal of a passenger. After legal scholars were unable to find any clear consensus about passenger rights within the nation’s existing laws, you have been dragged in to make a decision.

  1. “Now look here,” says Karma Cole, the injured passenger, speaking to reporters from his hospital bed. “I paid top chip for that seat, and yet those horrible police officers thought I should be dragged off the plane just because the airline hadn’t properly planned for the amount of people who would want to fly that day. It’s unfair. I say that if we pay for a ticket, we should be allowed to fly on the airplane. It’s that simple.”
  2. “But we do plan!” sputters Paris Kardashian, Chief Operations Officer of Air Random Chaos, as she strides into your office without an appointment and knocks your transportation advisor out of his seat. “Virtually every flight has cancellations and no-shows to balance out the overbooking. We just had an abnormal influx of passengers for that particular flight. Yes, we also needed to put a few of our own employees on the flight, but that’s completely irrelevant. I say that we should be allowed to throw passengers off the plane if we have to - and if they won’t go willingly, they should have to deal with the consequences.”
  3. “Why do we even have airplanes in the first place?” asks elderly protestor Wojciech Reed, waving a “Just Plane Stupid” banner. “Airplanes are noisy, polluting monstrosities that are prone to frequent maintenance delays and flight cancellations. I say we should get rid of airplanes and invest in public transport... by which I mean domesticating the gambler and teaching people to ride them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, advertisements for jobs in the sciences run in fashion magazines.

2021-07-18 04:00

Appointment of a Science Advisor

After the government’s chief science advisor accidentally disintegrated himself in his latest experiment, you have come under pressure to appoint someone new to the position - but the leading candidates to replace him all have different priorities.

  1. “Science is critical to understanding our place in the natural world,” writes biologist Herb Mann in his application letter, which is covered in paw-prints and smells faintly of gambler dung. “I believe we need to look more closely at how our actions affect the environment, and if I’m appointed as advisor, I’ll make sure the government takes the long term view to ecological preservation - even if that does mean putting a few public works projects and industry partnerships on hold.”
  2. “Now now, you’re not going to listen to all that tree-hugging nonsense, are you?” cajoles chemist Akira Sisko, introduced to you at a cocktail party thrown by one of your biggest corporate donors. “The government needs to be partnering up with industry, not making things harder for them. If I’m appointed, I’ll make sure the government promotes innovation and invention - and if that means loosening up some of those silly environmental laws, then so be it!”
  3. “Typical: a new vacancy for a government science advisor opens up, and it immediately becomes a boys’ club,” sighs physicist Mary Biscuitbarrel, sporting a rather fetching pink lab coat. “Do you realize that girls outperform boys in science at every grade in school, but that far fewer women end up taking jobs in the sciences than men? Appointing a woman as the nation’s science advisor would be a great first step to improving access to the sciences for everyone - and I’d use the position to lobby for universities and research centres to hire more women, too.”
  4. “Whomever you appoint will just end up leading Random Chaos into further damnation!” rants fundamentalist preacher Doris Hackett in one of her sermons, replete with typically alarming - and anatomically explicit - descriptions of what this damnation will actually entail. “It’s time we purged the government of all its heathen influences, and that includes removing anyone who might go around using words like evolution, or entropy, or evidence!” She breaks off to chase after a group of scientists passing by, waving a pitchfork at them.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, any girl that shows an interest in Lego is pressured to study engineering.

2021-07-17 22:30

1x, 2x, 3x, a Lady

Globally, the fields of engineering, technology and science have historically seen women significantly under-represented. Independent magazine Women’s Problems Monthly has engaged in a root cause analysis to investigate, noting that a major contributor to this is girls losing interest in mathematics at school, with a knock-on reduction in applications for maths-related degree courses.

  1. “There’s a cultural poison at the root of this where boys and girls get assigned toys, magazines and hobbies according to arbitrary societal expectations of gender roles,” complains ardent replica sword collector Cortana Brooks. “Boys get chemistry kits and toy robots. Girls get baby dolls and make-up sets. Is it any wonder they think mathematics and science aren’t meant for them? We must legislate to regulate in retail, advertising, parenting and primary education!”
  2. “Leave our kids alone! Boys and girls are different; it’s just opportunity that needs to be made more equal,” declares tiara-wearing nuclear physicist Samus Haskell, clutching her pink unicorn pencil case protectively. “It’s in higher education and the workplace that the self-perpetuating old boys’ club mentality exists. You should set a reasonable quota for education and employment, to ensure neither gender represents more than 70% of intake.”
  3. “Women’s talent exists, it’s just that SOME useless girls won’t go out and take the opportunities that are already there,” declares Jadzia Orbison, a venture capitalist renowned for her cut-throat business style, as she breaks wind loudly and scratches at her unshaved armpits. “Too many teenage ‘princesses’ think that it is unfeminine to be ambitious. If they prefer to associate self-worth with personal grooming and fashion rather than intellect and financial success, then they deserve what they get. Don’t patronise an entire gender, Leader; just let individuals rise and fall according to their own merits.”
  4. “Uh... I don’t really like to be the token male voice here,” whispers token male voice Andreas vanGogh, “but the reason I got into maths was the same reason I got into wargames, model trains and chess club. I’d rather do guy things with guys! Can’t you instead encourage this positive trend? Give student grants to men who study male courses, like maths and engineering. You can give grants to women for female subjects, like knitting, drama and so on. That’d be equal, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, meat prices are soaring as the farming industry struggle under government-imposed restrictions.

2021-07-17 16:00

Resistance Is Fertile

An outbreak of an antibiotic-resistant super-bacterium has killed five people in Random Chaos City, and epidemiologists are linking the emergence of this strain to contaminated chicken meat from poultry given regular doses of antibiotics. Health officials, farmers and consumers are searching for solutions to prevent another outbreak.

  1. “There’s a simple solution,” says Marin Beachcroft, head of the Random Chaos Public Health Board. “Ban antibiotic use on animals. Antibiotic overuse promotes drug-resistant bacteria, and the chemicals involved are also tainting the food chain. If animals get sick, cull them. Super-bugs will be a thing of the past!”
  2. “The government must not do that!” shouts Taylor Gray, Head Poultry Butcher at ChickensBoxed Inc. “We will lose revenue and efficiency! We raise thousands of birds here and antibiotics allow us more meat per unit, more units per square metre and more units per chip. You should allow us to use whatever drugs we need to keep the farming industry strong!”
  3. “Does anyone forget to mention why chickens get sick?” asks young farmer Kirby Mulder, as he pets Mrs. Tweedy, the favourite of his five chickens. “It’s because they are cooped up in cages, unable to move, to develop their bodies, and exercise. The solution is for free-range farming to be mandatory. Meat will then be fresher, healthier and better tasting. We’ll need more room, of course, so perhaps the government could donate us some city parks to convert?”
  4. “Wait a minute! Has anybody thought about the little guy here? By which I mean, the poor, destitute pharmaceuticals industry?” questions Big Pharma executive Byron Targaryen, as he steps off his private jet. “If you block out sales, our profits will fall by several percent, and jobs will be lost. Perhaps instead subsidise investment into the NEXT generation of antibiotics? That way farmers can use antibiotics all day long, and we’ll likely still have new tools to treat sick patients with.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has cut its subsidies for all special interest groups.

2021-07-17 10:00

“Give Us Money!” Quoth the Poet

The National Poetry Society of Random Chaos is demanding government-funded programs to promote the arts, especially poetry.

  1. “We need government help to promote culture,” says Sean Juran, chairperson of the National Poetry Society of Random Chaos. “Poetry is the soul of our nation, the very pulse of humanity! We will ultimately be judged according to our contribution to artistic enlightenment. In other words, please provide funding for our humble mission to bring the beauty of poetry to the masses!”
  2. “Artists and poets should support themselves, like everyone else,” replies Andreas Räikkönen, spokesperson for the Capitalism Now Party. “The suffering taxpayers should be given a break. In fact, we should abolish all government subsidies for special interest groups.”
  3. “Poets—who needs them?!” scoffs Ellie Woolf, Chairperson Emeritus of the Troglodyte Coalition. “These long-haired troublemakers should all be lined up against the wall and shot! That would be far more entertaining than reading some dumb poems!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, everyone wants to be on the guest list for diplomatic parties.

2021-07-17 04:00

Ale to the Chief

A local brewery provided the Mayor of Gambler City with 120 free kegs of their famous ale: Grimes’s Blood — usually a year’s supply — as has been the tradition for many years. However, the current mayor has consumed the lot in just two months and taxpayers are now being asked to replenish the provision.

  1. “I know this makes me look like a drunk, but I assure you I’m not,” pleads Mayor Murphy, as she touches her nose with her finger to prove her point. “I host a lot of diplomatic parties and my guests expect a certain level of hospitality. Just last week, I was hosting the Smalltopian ambassador and his entourage, and those Smalltopians can drink! You must replenish the mayoral supply — think of the diplomatic embarrassment of dry events.”
  2. “We have to pay for their booze now?” questions Avery Tavener, a social activist, who is always scrutinising politicians’ expenses. “What if she drinks the whole lot in another two months? Will the suffering taxpayer have to continue to fund Her Worship’s excesses? If politicians can’t go five minutes without a drink, then they’re not fit for office. Ban all alcohol on government premises.”
  3. “Our Grimes’s Blood is probably the finest brew in all of Random Chaos,” interjects Finnick Chau, the Head Taster at the brewery, as he takes a sip from your drink, then spits it back into the cup. “It’s a pity that only this mayor gets to taste our tantalising tipple, and for free too! We could supply your office Leader, and even the whole of parliament. All we ask in return is that you could meet with some of the industry bosses occasionally and give us a favourable hearing.”
  4. “I have an idea,” interjects a hobo, who’s been listening in on your conversation from the bench outside your window. “Why doesn’t the government provide free booze for everyone? That would be nice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, buses are widely regarded as the safest way to travel.

2021-07-16 22:30

Bus Drivers Say No to Double-Decked Deathtraps

After several tragic bus accidents across Random Chaos, bus drivers have started a strike until safety standards have been raised.

  1. “Every morning I step into that thing I wonder when it’s finally going to fall to bits,” grumbles Ongchu McGhee, a bus driver. “The lights don’t work, half of the seats are either vandalised or missing, the top deck smells like something died there, and something HAS died right at the back. We need more money to improve our buses. It’s that simple. If you don’t do it then more people will die.”
  2. “People always want money,” whines Tina Springsteen, one of your financial advisors. “And they always want guarantees. I’m willing to bet every single chip on me that they’re making a big fuss about nothing. The strike’s no big deal, we can always find plenty of other people willing to take the job. Public transport is a financial black hole anyway, there’s no profit in it for us. If someone really wants to go somewhere they drive. Withdraw some of our public transport funding out and let them have enough money to buy themselves a car.”
  3. “That sounds to me,” says another of your financial advisors who just happens to be walking past, “like a stellar reason to do away with the public transport system altogether. The only people who really lose out are the poor and the disabled, but there’s no profit in them either so it’s win-win.”
  4. “Now now now, there’s no need to be quite so gung-ho,” says Carmen Brooks, a city planner. “The public transport system is vital for cutting down congestion and pollution within urban areas. Less vehicles on the road, less fumes, you with me so far? What we need to do is put a tax on car-use within the cities and promote our mass transit. That way everyone gets what they want, and cleaner air to boot.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, life is short but human kindness is endless.

2021-07-16 16:00

Drug Deal

Preliminary trials of a new immunotherapy drug have suggested that it may achieve remission in bone marrow cancers by up to 28% of formerly untreatable patients. It’s years away from being clinically available, but desperate cancer sufferers are asking for you to expedite this.

  1. “Damn bureaucrats are standing between sick people and life-saving treatment,” complains Sipho Peña, a lobbyist for international pharmaceuticals company Fizer-Updick, pausing for a second as his lawyer whispers something into his ear. “That is to say, these potentially life-saving treatments. Just cut out the red tape, and we can start saving lives. Act now or you will be murdering these poor patients!” His lawyer holds up a hastily-handwritten sign behind the lobbyist’s head observing that statements made may not represent the official opinion of the Fizer-Updick corporation, nor imply an accusation of legal culpability.
  2. “Sorry, this is medical science, not faith healing,” snarls unsympathetic-seeming Dr. Artemis Washington. “We require multi-phase trials to make sure a medicine is non-toxic, safe in the long term and to make sure it actually really works. It’s a shame that a percentage of the population have to die while we wait, but better to lose a few hundred lives than to compromise scientific integrity. No offence, but these deaths are just unavoidable collateral damage in the war on cancer.”
  3. At this point, you note there’s a perky goth girl with a silver ankh necklace and a swirly tattoo under her right eye in the room. You swear you didn’t see her come in. “Life isn’t measured in years, but in moments. Moments of kindness and connection mean a lot more when death is standing right next to you. Maybe all your doctors could spend more time talking to people instead of thinking about drugs and medicines all the time. You know, listening to their dreams, destinies, desires and deliriums. It’s always good to talk with someone who cares, right at the end.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, genetic researchers have taken to conducting illegal experiments in secret lairs.

2021-07-16 10:30

The Bee-Ginning of a Catastrophe?

When top scientists started genetically engineering bees in order to make them live longer and resist disease, things went horribly wrong. The result - subsequently dubbed the Random Chaosian Killer Jacket - wiped out their creators within an hour and promptly escaped the lab. Terrified citizens are urging you to stop genetic engineering on bees, citing the unpredictability and potential dangers of this technology.

  1. “What is this madness?” shouts Doctor Bees, still wearing his trademark bee costume, who has in his suitcase the only bees in Random Chaos that aren’t genetically modified. “We’ve created a potential threat to our population. Thanks to genetic tampering, you made killer-bees with GM stingers! Who knows what they’ll do now? The only solution is to ban genetic engineering and shut down the lab immediately. It’s immoral, insane, and incompetent! Cull these modified abominations and encourage the breeding of all-natural, all-organic normal bees... like mine!”
  2. “Don’t you forget why we need this,” reminds Sophie Weber, the new CEO of Bees and Genes, aiming an insecticide spray at a small arthropod hovering above your shoulder. “It’s a noble experiment to keep bees from dying off. Genetically engineered bees have a much greater chance of survival, and that’s better for the environment. With some government support, we can do more for our bees and prof... well, you know.”
  3. “We certainly don’t have to be black-and-yellow about this,” asserts Bajrakitiyabha Deming, a government scientist who is picking apart your flower display, looking for nectar. “While it’s true that genetic engineering can create some unintended pests, it has potential to help our buzzing friends survive many threats like CCD and parasitic mites. How about we set strict standards for these laboratories? With government oversight, we can watch out for any killer bugs while keeping this technology safe and regulated. True, the scientists may end up trapped in an endless cycle of regulations and inspections, but that’s beside the point.”
  4. “The problem was that we trusted this experimentation to the boffs in the labs,” growls your gruff military attaché Frank Larson while examining a modified bee under a microscope. “Now I’m not much of a scientist, but surely it wouldn’t be too hard for us to round up these modified bees and set them loose on one of our enemies? Imagine if we unleashed some of these bad boys on Maxtopia or Marche Noire. Their ecosystem will be so screwed up they’ll be begging to sign that peace treaty! Now excuse me while I practice my evil laugh.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign governments are looking into weaponizing the infamous Random Chaosian bee.

2021-07-16 04:00

You’ve Got a Friend in Bee

Honeybee populations have been decreasing at an alarming rate, according to a recent study published in Not That Popular Science magazine. Experts have swarmed your office demanding you take action or face catastrophic consequences.

  1. “This is a travesty!” exclaims concerned environmental scientist, Matthew Lannister. “Our food supplies will be at risk if the bee population declines any further. Colony Collapse Disorder is a serious thing and we don’t really know what’s killing them. It could be insecticides, parasitic mites, habitat loss, or maybe it’s just all that hot air coming from Random Chaos City. We must stop this before it’s too late. Let’s start with clamping down on industries that manufacture insecticides and enforcing better environmental protection. We must stop at nothing to ensure our survival.”
  2. A local beekeeper, Shelia Ruiz, carefully steps into your office carrying a beehive. “What we need to do is to establish large scale bee farms across Random Chaos, and raise more bees so their populations can grow.” The absentminded beekeeper appears oblivious as several bees escape the hive. “Sustainable practices and good bee-raising will preserve the population. You give me and my fellow beekeepers some funding, and we can use that to grow the biggest colony you’ll ever see!” Several of your aides exit screaming, pursued by bees.
  3. “Once again, science has the answer,” says Aria Amin, CEO of Bees and Genes. “If we use genetics to modify the bees, they can be made resistant to disease and live longer. This, my friends, is the breakthrough we need to stabilize the honeybee populations. It’ll require a boatload of funding and we might accidentally create killer bees like the dreaded Maxtopian hornet, but we need to save nature’s black and yellow friends while we have the chance.”
  4. “Whatever happened to leaving nature alone?” queries the eccentric ‘Doctor Bees’, carrying suitcases buzzing with bees and seen wearing a full bee costume. “More bee colonies? Pesticides? Genes? Buzz off! Have you ever stopped to think that we are to blame for this mess? Why don’t we free the bees and let nature take its course? Sure, the beekeeping industry would suffer, but if we do nothing the alternative is total environmental disaster! Buzz buzz buzz!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, half-submerged and flooded seaside hotels are technically still next to the beach.

2021-07-15 22:00

Sandbagging

A small island has vanished into the sea, farmland was flooded when a river burst its banks, and whole villages have been near-submerged by rising waters. The reason for these floods? Sand mining: billions of tonnes of sand and gravel extracted from rivers, lakes and coastlines.

  1. “We can’t stop the modernisation of Random Chaos,” states Matthew Mountsermon, your Minister of Residential Construction on Aggregates. “These materials are the literal foundation of our economy! If you want buildings and infrastructure, you need sand! Glass, computer chips... sand! Did you know it takes 30,000 tonnes of sand to build just one kilometre of a motorway? Avoiding flooding just takes a little planning, and maybe some concrete barriers. Nothing should hinder the development of Random Chaos!”
  2. “Our addiction to sand is staggering,” declares Dmitri Griffin, your Environment Minister, as he tries to prove how easy it is to reuse everyday objects by cleaning his fingernails with a paper clip. “At first they extracted it from quarries, but when those ran out, they took sand from beaches, then islands, now they’re dredging the seabed. The construction industry needs to be stopped in its tracks. Who needs that much concrete anyway?”
  3. “I’ve got an alternative,” muses passing manual labourer Judi Murdoch, hefting a heavy iron mallet. “Need more sand and gravel? We can make it. Just smash up rocks from hills and mountains. Bash ‘em into pieces! Hammers! Bombs! Giant stompy robots! Wheeeee!” She demonstrates by smashing a marble bust of your predecessor.
  4. “You know where there’s a lot of sand? The desert!” exclaims Noddy Tate, one of your science advisers, as he stretches some kind of Day-Glo gunk. “True, desert sand is too fine and we haven’t found a way to bond it together yet, but I’m sure if we give it a go, and give it lots of determination and government funding... Yes, we’ll find a way!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bars are packed at all hours.

2021-07-15 16:00

Last Call for Alcohol?

The Random Chaos City Police Department has reported an upsurge in alcohol-related crime in recent weeks, with bar-fights, vandalism, and street violence all on the rise. Now, with a drunken city councilor involved in a street brawl with an equally drunk Brancalandian ambassador, it is perhaps time for you to intervene in the embarrassing levels of booze-fueled mayhem.

  1. “These pubs are cesspools of crime and delinquency!” rages Temperance League founder and avowed pacifist Virginia Morris, throwing a bottle full of perfectly good beer on the floor, smashing it. “And don’t forget the broken families and long-term health problems associated with drinking yourself to death! The government must ban all alcoholic drinks and shut down every last bar in Random Chaos in order to safeguard public safety.”
  2. “Maybe just a selective ban? After all, beer doesn’t get you drunk nearly as quickly as whiskey or vodka,” proposes Chun-Li Taffs, who has the difficult job of cleaning up all the messes in the Surly Wench Pub. “Just set an upper limit of 6% ABV. That way people still have a way to blow off steam, but they’ll be a little less likely to smash bottles or brawl over the gamblerball game.”
  3. “I can do... what I want... with my body,” staggers Horatio Case, who is already drunk at 10 in the morning. “The government should just get off my... back.” The sot abruptly falls down.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, walking to the local pizza parlour earns a lovely sports participation ribbon.

2021-07-15 10:00

The Eye of the Tiger

Illegal sporting events have been popping up all around the country. As quickly as they appear, they vanish again, always staying one step ahead of the authorities, leaving nothing behind but an abandoned football and the sound of rapidly receding footsteps. A diverse group of concerned citizens has come to you to discuss the impact of anti-sport legislation.

  1. “You made a mistake is all,” sighs Clovis Beethoven, the former President of the Random Chaos Gamblers Ice-Rugby team, as he pats you on the back with his bearlike hand. “You listened to the wrong people and created a big mess. We need proper sports in Random Chaos with regulatory bodies, advertising revenues, and star players people can look up to. People are willing to pay good money to see quality sports. We should be lining our pockets with that good money. You, me, and my colleagues here. Let’s fix this.”
  2. “Don’t let these fat cats run our sports. Give me an ‘N’, give me an ‘O’! What do you have? NO!” cries former cheerleader Ingrid Griffin while dancing, twirling and exuberantly spinning her pom-poms so quickly that you feel dizzy just from watching. “Pro-sports are nothing but corrupt officials and doped up athletes. We should have government-funded amateur sports only. That way we can have fitness and fun without all the awful corruption and competition. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game! Go Random Chaosians! Woo!”
  3. “There is nothing wrong with exercise,” barks Brigadier General Ming Murdoch, patting his expansive stomach. “Exercise turned me into the fine figure of a man that I am today. But that does not mean we ought to reverse the sport ban, and let Random Chaosians become mollified ball-tossers. Better they learn to throw a grenade. Just give the Army some funding, and we will give mandatory physical training to every man, woman and child. Turn Random Chaosians into lethal weapons, addicted to the thrill of the fight. Just give the word and every single Random Chaosian will drop and give me twenty.”
  4. “These illegal events are the real problem,” bemoans Sophie Tate, Random Chaos’s current Cribbage, Monopoly and Backgammon champion. “There is a national Parcheesi competition coming up. It would be nice if people were watching it, instead of sneaking around trying to watch illegal gamblerball games. We really need a special task force to show these lawbreaking athletes and sports fans that the law is sacred.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, home education can sometimes be a load of bullocks.

2021-07-15 04:00

How to Examine Your Testees

At the International Conference of Education, head-teachers and education ministers generally have a drink or ten and get a chance to meet their peers from across the world. The conference happens to be in Random Chaos this year and having nothing better to do one night, you decide to attend a mixer. As it happens, the topic of conversation is Standardised Testing...

  1. Dàguó Education Director Hoo Yu Wan Hia, apparently misunderstanding the nature of the social-mixer, has set up a projector upon a platter of hors d’oeuvres and is currently word-for-word reading off PowerPoint slides. “In Dàguó, standardised tests assess student performance throughout education. Centile-scoring streams the students, gives accurate comparison, and identifies the cream of the crop for industry roles. Next slide, please. This is the foundation of economic success, and also why Dàguó children are so much better at maths and science than the lazy and undisciplined children of your nations. You should adopt the Dàguó system. Any questions?”
  2. “Constant testing teaches children only how to pass tests,” interjects Antti Markkanen, a progressive head teacher from the socialistic nation of Skandilund, carefully putting down his drink. “Obsession with competition only makes children equate success with dominance. Use carrot and stick methods, and you just get an ass. Pun intended. When children compete, most are taught only that they are losers. Abandon testing, and teach love of knowledge!”
  3. “So on the one hand we got rote-learning clones, and on the other, liberal hippies!” spits cowboy-hat wearing Jonnie Wain, interrupting his poker game to literally and metaphorically put his cards on the table. “In the United Federation we got a saying: ‘Hey Guvmint! Butt out!’. Let each school be its own business, deciding its own way with no centralized tyranny. Let parents vote with their wallets, and either pick the school they want, or pick no school at all. I was raised on my uncle’s farm; I just learned me how to herd steers from the back of a horse. That’s real life education!”
  4. “Couldn’t we be a bit more moderate, try and take something of all three options?” wonders your Education Minister, trying to escape from the trio of foreign educators closing in on her. “Maybe there’s a Random Chaosian way, with compulsory exam assessments, but not a national test, but a choice of examination boards competing on the free market. And maybe you could have some state schools with part private funding, and some private schools with state regulation, and some structured home schooling involving some time in communal classrooms. That sounds good, doesn’t it? Maybe? Possibly?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, burning members of the Order of Violet is the nation's favorite pastime.

2021-07-14 22:00

A Violet Trojan Horse

Rumors tell that the Order of Violet has infiltrated schools in Random Chaos to brainwash the youngest generations. Fears of Violetist takeover have prompted all other faiths to unite for the first time ever.

  1. “Preposterous!” dismisses Kai Nagasawa, the head of the Random Chaos City District School Board, while hiding an Order of Violet signet ring. “Our schools are performing well, and the children are merely learning to understand different points of view. The only hatred I see is from the hypocrites and paranoid kooks who have no problems forcing their values on our innocent children.”
  2. “Terrorists! Terrorists everywhere!” shouts Oprah Thawne, a controversial and xenophobic politician, who inevitably tries to win every debate by claiming all opposing views equate to supporting terrorism. “Screen all teachers, headmasters, and aides for possible Violetist ties. Force the schools to adopt an unapologetic pro-Random Chaosian curriculum. We all know these Violetists hate everything Random Chaos stands for! Anyone who disagrees is a terrorist-sympathizing, Violetist-loving traitor!”
  3. “That doesn’t go far enough,” claims the leader of The Tranquility of Yellow, an ancient religion that has a just-as-ancient feud with Violetism. “These heretics have been a danger ever since the Grand Schism, and they must be dealt with accordingly. I suggest we start up an inquisition. My people will find these Violetists, and see if they can be converted to our true religion or renounce their faith. Whichever one the government prefers. We’re not picky. If not... the stake. BURN THEM ALL! Or hang them. Just get rid of those creepy Violetists, okay?”
  4. “What are we? Barbarians?” queries popular agnostic speaker Wil Chekov, whose personal motto is ‘Question Everything’. “I don’t see anything wrong with teaching Violetism. Not every Violetist is some crazed wacko, you know. However, schools should teach all different faiths, including non-belief, in a neutral and understanding way in the interest of fairness. If we want to eliminate hatred, the schools are a good place to start.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pet loving officers arrest citizens who don't give their dogs enough biscuits.

2021-07-14 16:00

Lost in Translation

A young foreign exchange student was arrested in her language course a couple days ago when she accidentally said, “My friends and I are game for a shooting; we just need to figure out how to signal,” instead of, “My friends and I want to make a shooter game; we just need to learn how to code.” She was labeled a threat and is now facing deportation.

  1. “She is already failing my class,” says the girl’s instructor. “Why should she stay if she can’t communicate effectively? We ought to give everyone who enters the country a test that proves they can communicate with us! If they can’t get every question correct they should be forced to leave.”
  2. The girl, now able to explain herself with the help of a police-appointed interpreter, says, “I apologize if I frightened anyone, as that was not my intention. I only wanted to share my interest in video games instead of repeating simple sentences about apples and cats. This never would have happened in the first place if your language wasn’t so confusing! Why not simplify it and cut down on the amount of words so that it’s easier for everyone to learn?”
  3. “The real issue we should be talking about is the ham-fisted way this was handled by law-enforcement,” says the officer who was called to apprehend the girl. “I knew she wasn’t a threat, but I had orders! Individual police officers should be given more autonomy to decide how we do our jobs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, one-word headlines are the norm in Random Chaosian newspapers.

2021-07-14 10:00

DoublePlusUnGood

Horrifyingly, there continues to be whispered dissent against your glorious and righteous rule.

  1. “War is peace,” asserts your Minister of Peace, wiping blood from a stainless steel truncheon with a velvet cloth. “Nothing brings a nation together like an external enemy. Find a strategically inferior nation to declare war on, exaggerate their threat with demonising propaganda, and watch as the proles unite behind you in hatred of your shared foe.”
  2. “Freedom is slavery,” observes your Minister of Plenty, while carrying out his daily physical jerks to keep himself fit. “Grab those who complain, and strip them of their liberty by putting them to forced labour in service of the state. Good citizens will have the incentive to behave better, and our economy will benefit from a costless workforce.”
  3. “Ignorance is strength,” quacks your Minister of Truth, going through the dictionary with a black marker, and striking out words she doesn’t like. “We need to reduce the nation’s capacity for critical thinking, for unpatriotic doubt and for rebellious intellectualism. Blissful unreason, with a vocabulary that is too limited to express dangerous ideas - that is how we achieve a compliant population.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the mining industry has taken a hit from tighter environmental regulations.

2021-07-14 04:00

Diving for Chips

Divers from a local scuba club have discovered an enormous underwater gold deposit that could be worth billions of chips in one of Random Chaos’s lakes. It has also caused a huge debate over who should be allowed to plunder the goods.

  1. Amber MacDonald, a cabinet member, would like the government to seize the deposit. “This is an excellent time to boost Random Chaos’s economy and increase our foreign trade with other countries! Who cares about the people that discovered the deposit? They’ve done their country a great favor and should let us have the money!”
  2. Elijah Simpson, a civil rights activist, vehemently disagrees. “The deposit was found by private citizens and it should be their choice of what to do with the gold. If the government goes around stealing what is rightfully ours, then I shudder to think I live in such a corrupt country. These people discovered the gold, it’s now their time to get rich! Never mind the fact they were diving in a lake on government property!”
  3. “We should do what now?” Environmentalist Katniss Berenstain exclaims. “Do you have any idea how damaging it would be to the environment to mine the gold under that lake? Think of all the aquatic life that would be disrupted or destroyed! Think of how an otherwise pristine lake view would be ruined! Forget the gold and keep those money-grubbing pigs away from nature!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, unused plastic recycling bins are being dumped into landfills by the tonne.

2021-07-13 22:00

One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Recyclable

A recent study by some self-righteous college students revealed that an alarming number of recyclable items are being thrown into the garbage. In order to bring more attention to this issue, a handful of particularly dedicated environmentalists - calling themselves ‘Save Our Trash’ - are camping out in the dumpster behind your home. They claim that they will not leave until the government takes action.

  1. “How can people care so little for Mother Earth?” grouses a grouchy, green-haired man named Oscar, who has taken up residence in one of your trash cans. “The government needs to do a hell of a lot more to inform people about the importance of recycling. You should throw everything you’ve got at the problem: public service announcements, sorting classes for the kids, bins in every conceivable place. You could even fine those lazy people who refuse to properly dispose of recyclables.”
  2. “There’s no reason to punish Random Chaosians when industry bears most of the blame for pollution,” suggests Khethiwe Zimmer while struggling to open a hard plastic stay-fresh shell containing a pre-peeled banana. “By taxing inefficient manufacturers for all of this ridiculously excessive packaging, the government could discourage commercial waste and even make itself some money. Hey, an environmentalist policy that generates revenue - now there’s an idea.”
  3. “Meh. Is this really such a big deal?” yawns city worker Boris Fields, finishing off his tea in a delicate porcelain cup, before throwing the whole thing into the nearest garbage can. “Being neurotic over trash just makes people unhappy and forces them to feel guilty about shopping. You should actually be encouraging people to throw stuff away without thinking too hard about it - a culture of disposable items drives consumption, which in turn makes for a strong economy. And that’s what matters.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many Random Chaosians struggle to find outlets for their pent-up competitive juices.

2021-07-13 16:00

Suspicious Superhuman Athletes?

Vance Armstorm, a seven time Tour de Random Chaos winner, has been accused of taking drugs that enhance overall performance in sports, and has subsequently been stripped of all his titles. Pundits now say the problem has spread into other sports like Gamblerball, and the The Hatrackia Olympics.

  1. “They might as well put on capes and masks to go with that spandex!” exclaims sports commissioner Sarah Wickremesinghe, while reviewing a video of a recent Olympic try-out. “I’ve seen weightlifters lift 200 kgs for five minutes straight, and marathon runners not even looking tired in the 40th kilometer! We need tighter doping laws in all sports and better drug testing equipment. For the sake of fairness in all sports in Random Chaos, we need to test every athlete we can find!”
  2. “Come on, I didn’t do anything wrong,” asserts Vance Armstorm, while sipping a suspiciously glowing energy drink. “These allegations are nothing but a ploy by my competitors to discredit my hard work and natural superiority. I’ve trained all my life to be in this competition! Drug tests are an insulting invasion of my privacy. They should be outlawed! I say I’m clean. The team doctor says I’m clean. Shouldn’t our word be enough?”
  3. “I don’t really understand what issue is,” muses Alexei Doolittle, a burly Smalltopian diplomat, from a couch in the executive lounge. “I watch sports to see best compete against best. Who cares if they take drug or drinking chemical to be stronger and faster? Give all athlete drug!” As he speaks, he is rapidly switching between three different sporting events on TV. “Stronger, faster, BETTER, if you ask me!”
  4. “Stronger, faster... broken,” comments former world heavyweight boxing champion Engelbert Lee, speaking unusually slowly. “We... break ourselves; we break each other. Taking drugs... just makes it worse. Anything to win. Anything. The problem isn’t... isn’t... drugs. The problem is sports. If you value athletes as people... as human... beings... you need to ban sports.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, diminutive Random Chaosian generals are feared for their aggressiveness.

2021-07-13 10:00

A Little Bit Short

A recent exposé revealed that growth hormone therapy — an expensive treatment meant to help children who are producing little to no growth hormone on their own — is increasingly being prescribed to wealthy children who are just somewhat shorter than average.

  1. “I just want what’s best for my little Timmy; what parent wouldn’t?” asks Mako Guterres, who appears to have bribed your guards into getting an unscheduled meeting with you. “Growth hormone therapy is completely safe and the best doctor money could buy said it was a medically valid treatment for my little Timmy, what with him being two whole inches below normal. Whether or not Timmy gets hormone therapy is between his doctor, my accountant, and me, not the government.”
  2. “Great!” sarcastically exclaims Guterres’s valet after he has walked out of the room. “One more way the rich get it better off than the poor. My kids are even shorter than his, but I could never afford this treatment. You have to level the playing field. State-employed doctors should determine who truly needs growth hormone therapy, and the state should pay for it.”
  3. “This is insane,” cries a voice whose origins you can’t locate at first, until you look down and find the wee Dr. Bill Harford. “There’s nothing wrong with being shorter than average, even way shorter than average. You can’t call something a ‘treatment’ if there are no adverse health effects associated with the ‘illness’ it treats. Ban growth hormone therapy in all cases and teach Random Chaosians to love each other no matter what their size.”
  4. “I agree that the government should assure no one feels inferior because of the hand nature dealt to them,” asserts everyman Berger Harrison, who is so average as to be completely unidentifiable. “However, what we should be doing is manipulating the hormones of all children so that they all end up at exactly the same height. All men may not be created equal, but we can fix that.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Patriotic.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaos Automotive Racing Series draws millions of spectators annually while those near the tracks complain about the noise.

2021-07-13 04:00

Random Chaos’s Racers Growing Fast and Furious

Illegal street racing and racing-related injuries are on the rise, causing many infamous racers to begin rallying for an officially sanctioned racing series and track facilities in order to safely satisfy their need for speed.

  1. “If you don’t let us race on real racetracks, then we’ll just keep running on the roads at night!” says racing fans’ favorite Hermione Bender, at the wheel of a tricked-out Honda. “Would it kill you guys to build a couple of nice big professional race facilities? Think of the money you’d make on charging admission and selling drinks and stuff! And it’d be a lot safer than all of us tearing around on public roads! Forget about the people griping about the noise pollution!”
  2. “Don’t tell me you plan to cater to these speed freaks!” police officer Martin Grossman comments over coffee and donuts. “Encouraging this sport is only going to increase the street racing problem because all these punks who can’t afford to run the professional circuit are going to want to satisfy their lead feet the way they have been! What we need is more police funding to crack down on these punk hotrodders.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wars of expansion are described as "peacekeeping operations".

2021-07-12 22:00

Taking the Peace?

The Nobble Peace Prize is an international accolade that is ostensibly awarded to individuals that work for fraternity between nations, reduce standing armies and promote peace. To your surprise, the Skandilundian council that picks the winners has let you know that this year they intend to award it to you. You receive the news while on a military base, welcoming home divisions of battle-hardened soldiers fresh from ongoing conflicts on the Tasmanian border.

  1. “Looks like the Peace Prize Committee has been convinced to celebrate your pacifism,” laughs Brigadier General Cook, offering you a clipboard to sign off the latest military budget increase. “That’s a victory for our chaps in the diplomatic corps, pulling strings and working their magic and reframing our military activities as being for global good. You should be proud of them and the propaganda wars they fight on your behalf. Better get working on an acceptance speech, eh?”
  2. “Maybe we should instead be trying to make ourselves worthy of the prize?” suggests your niece, symbolically swatting at the military officer with an olive branch. “Bring overseas troops home, honourably discharge them from service and begin a process of demilitarisation. Like I always say to my mum, there’s no need to be so hostile.”
  3. “Ha, these feeble Skandilunders are terrified of us, and they’re trying to placate us by offering us this petty tribute,” laughs your Minister of Bovine Disruption of Porcelain Retail. “We should accept the prize, but suggest that rather than a cash prize, perhaps they could cede us a little territory, maybe those halite mines in the northwest. We can deploy the army along their border to emphasise the strength of your opinion.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, for just a few extra chips Random Chaosians can get new driving records with their new cars.

2021-07-12 16:00

Licensing Driving Random Chaosians Crazy

Your cousin arrived at your office this afternoon, out of breath and deeply frustrated at having to spend day after day filling out forms, only to wait for six hours in a queue to register for another appointment to receive his 27B/6 form to finalize his registration and legally drive the sweet new ride he bought six weeks ago. You’ve agreed, after some persuasion, to hold a meeting with your Minister of Transportation and other experts to look into streamlining the process.

  1. “It’s very important that we get all this information from drivers,” explains Hugo MacDonald, your Minister of Transportation. “We have to make absolutely sure that our roads are safe, that all drivers are properly licensed, and that cars reported stolen are easily identified. If that means a bit of extra paperwork, so be it. Increase our budget for staff and we’ll be able to expedite the registration process.”
  2. “I have a radical idea,” announces Melania Simpson, the CEO of Random Chaos’s largest automobile manufacturer. “Simply license car dealerships to handle these processes for consumers! We can fill out all the necessary insurance paperwork for car owners, and even issue driving permits! The DMV is only slow because it has no competition. If dealerships can compete with one another for the best service, buying and registering a new car won’t be such a frustrating ordeal!”
  3. “Licenses? We don’t need no stinkin’ licenses!” exclaims a scruffy-looking man who took a wrong turn and wandered into your meeting. “Why should the government have any say in who can and can’t drive? Get rid of permits, licenses, traffic cops, borders, barriers, speed limits, road laws, and identification plates, and just let people live their lives!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the banshee wail foretells skies of death.

2021-07-12 10:00

Siren Song

During a severe weather outbreak yesterday, weather sirens raised the alarm about the incoming danger. However, that didn’t seem to concern residents, who had grown all too used to constant tests and malfunctions associated with the aging system. Following dozens of fatalities, a discussion has arisen regarding the best method to warn the public about approaching weather threats.

  1. “I’m tired of weathering weather sirens!” shouts storm survivor Alan Guilliman, still wearing his soggy raincoat. “I’m in my house, glued to my phone, when I thought I heard a train. Turns out, it was no train; it was a twister coming straight at me! Sure, I heard the sirens, but they go off all the time! Instead of listening out for old sirens, we should get official weather alerts through our phones. I mean, people definitely won’t ignore their cell phones!”
  2. “Well, not everyone has a cell phone, and what if its battery dies in the middle of a storm, what then?” questions Random Chaos Emergency Management spokesperson Dorothy Nakatomi. “The biggest advantage to sirens is that we can assure that they will always work... as long as they aren’t old, malfunctioning, or whatever. It should be clear that a refit of the siren system is on the radar. All we need to do is update them to be more... attention-grabbing. I’m sure citizens won’t ignore weather sirens if we replace the wail with, say, a blood-curdling scream!”
  3. “Why is it the government’s responsibility to warn us of incoming life or death situations?” rants well-known libertarian political speaker Jean-Luc Thomas, failing to intervene as his infant picks up a nearby nail gun. “It’s the responsibility of the individual to ensure their own safety. We shouldn’t be wasting chips maintaining a faulty, hardly-used system. I say we let the old siren system die, save ourselves some money, and call it a day. If the average Random Chaosian doesn’t have enough common sense to take caution when the weather gets bad, then I forecast that Random Chaos has a far bigger problem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tensions between the young and old have risen to record levels.

2021-07-12 04:00

Maison d’Être?

With housing costs rising at a ridiculous rate, younger citizens find themselves about ten times as unlikely to own a home as their parents. Perturbed youngsters, disgruntled businessmen and the obliviously privileged are shouting at you to do something; anything, really.

  1. “Where in Violet’s name are these poor kids supposed to live?” cries Ernie Flanders, an elderly, yet surprisingly hip, politician, speaking from the comfort of his second-home garden patio. “This new generation is our future, and we cannot turn away and leave them out in the cold. The government must take charge and push through a massive erection of affordable homes in order to shelter these youngsters. And the top 1% should pay for it; it’s about time that they started paying their fair share.”
  2. “As if the youth of today needed any more excuses to be lazy,” sputters construction mogul and landlord extraordinaire Somkenechukwu Buytoleto. “The real problem here is obviously the draconian government planning regulations and ridiculous safety standards you have in place, stifling development and creative solutions. Let the free market take its course and I’ll have all kinds of houses up all over the place. All involved will profit: it will create jobs, get rid of superfluous greenery and settle the problem of homeless ingrat... eh, young people...”
  3. “Oh heavens, all of that sounds completely unnecessary, if you ask me,” interjects Askia Hyde, your Minister For Tea And Scones, while preparing warm milk for stray undergrads. “We needn’t do much to make housing more available, really. People like me and others of my generation have more than enough space, be it in our townhouses or the cottage up-north. So why can’t the little ragamuffins come stay with us? They could help out around the house to earn their keep, so to speak. Some of my neighbors might need a little government ‘encouragement’, but all in all, no complete overhaul required.”
  4. “It’s so stupid,” says coffee shop barista Carmen Pond, her milk-steamer fueled solely by resentment towards anyone over the age of forty. “The banks and the old people, like, ruined the economy and everything with their years of loose lending and grabbing anything with a roof; it’s so totally their fault. Haha, what if the government like maxed out taxes on second-homes and upped the interest rates on the oldies’ debts by, like, really, really lot of percentages or whatever. You know, to balance out the damages caused to the housing market. That would be so funny.”
  5. “Oh where is your spirit of adventure?” exclaims Kima Wessex, chair of the homeowners association Heart Of Darkness. “What we have is an abundance of young people slouching around without house or home, correct? I say we send them off with a couple of muskets and bayonets to find their own place in the world; settle new colonies and bring the light of Random Chaos to all corners of the world! It might affect domestic labor availability slightly, but think of the wealth we would collect with all of the new territory.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, several citizens have complained about scientists abducting their pets for experimentation.

2021-07-11 22:00

Animal Experimentation Laws Under Scrutiny

Scientists and animal rights activists have once again brought up the debate over animal experimentation to your attention.

  1. “What have those poor, defenceless animals ever done to us?” asks Patty Shaw, owner of the East Random Chaos Gambler Sanctuary. “Kidnapping these helpless creatures from their habitat simply to stick probes and needles in them is just barbaric! How would you like it if someone caged you in a lab and conducted tests on you just to find out whether a new product was fit for sale? Experimenting on animals ought to be banned!”
  2. “It is not unethical,” replies Dr. Xanatos Beckham, the chief surgeon at Random Chaos’s largest cancer research clinic. “The unethical thing to do would be to deny the public of the benefit of the great scientific advancements we’re making! If we have to sacrifice some animals in the name of science, healthcare, or slightly prettier eyeliner, then that’s just what we’ve got to do! Think of the lives we could save! All we require is more government support and funding for this worthy cause.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is known to care more about its buildings than its people.

2021-07-11 16:00

Ramping Up the Difficulty

Earlier this week, you were supposed to meet with the first disabled team of explorers to conquer the icy slopes of the Bigtopian tundra. However, your office proved to be inaccessible to the adventurers and the meeting was cancelled. Disability awareness groups are outraged that those with impairments can’t access government buildings, many of which provide them the help and support they need.

  1. “We must put an end to the discrimination against people with disabilities,” declares Zelda Ho, the spokesperson of the awareness group All Access, through a speech synthesizer. “Many of us face great difficulty in climbing steps, reading text, or listening to auditory sources or conveying messages. The government must improve the accessibility to premises and information so that we are treated fairly and have the ability to contribute to society.”
  2. “It might sound nice to have more ramps and guide dogs, but the real problem isn’t infrastructure, it’s society’s treatment of the intellectually and physically disadvantaged,” observes Danni Pelosi, a concerned parent. “If people had stopped to open doors, and to help the disabled athletes up the steps, then we wouldn’t need special adaptations to the buildings. Kindness and helpfulness should be taught at school, with kids learning to assist those who need help and to stop bullying them because they’re different. That’s the way to go forward.”
  3. “Hold on a minute! Making modifications to historic government buildings is cultural vandalism and awfully expensive!” objects Jake Ward, your rather obsessive Minister of Random Chaosian Heritage. “We can’t destroy centuries’ worth of history and deface the structures with modern architecture just to improve accessibility! I sympathize with these people’s plight, but our culture and history are too important to destroy!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, radiation is a hot topic.

2021-07-11 10:00

The Wind Become Death

Recent studies of becquerel-burdened berries have found that radioactive fallout from nuclear weapons testing in Althaniq has been carried into Random Chaos by transoceanic jet streams.

  1. “Althaniq might be keen to join the big boys at the nuclear-capable club, but this sort of sloppiness makes it clear they’re not ready,” comments your Minister of International Patronisation. “Random Chaos is like an elder sibling to Althaniq — tell them that they don’t need a nuclear weapons program, because they’re already under our protection. In fact, tell them they have to cease all testing now and in perpetuity, if they want to stay on our good side, and pay reparations for the harm they’ve done. They gotta remember their place.”
  2. “No, can you not see? This is the danger of raw, unadulterated nuclear power!” cries nuclear disarmament activist Mamiko Lane as she manically waves around a Geiger counter that clicks worryingly as it sweeps past your groin area. “These weapons imperil our very means of life — the ramifications of radiation spare no one. Althaniq must cease their nuclear ambitions, and we should lead by example. Disarm now!”
  3. “How boring, like I haven’t heard that two hundred and thirty-five times already,” yawns nuclear scientist Severus Ruiz. “Look, Althaniq is only doing nuclear tests because they’re decades behind advanced nations like ours. We did all our testing decades ago, and there’s really no need for them to repeat all that messy business. Just share our technical knowledge with them, and we’ll be even closer allies than before.”
  4. “We should use these jet streams to our advantage,” whispers your Minister of Stealth Bombing as he materialises out of nowhere. “Our scientists have compiled a detailed map of jet stream systems — correctly employ these, and we can secretly detonate dirty bombs in the middle of nowhere, while still delivering cancer and illness into the heart of enemy nations.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian soldiers are assured their new ray-guns will finally power up after the next round of ominous chanting.

2021-07-11 04:00

It’s a Kind of Magic

A shocking archaeological find in one of Random Chaos’s many caverns has led to the discovery of a huge array of pre-Random Chaosian totems, idols, and assorted knickknacks made entirely of stone, many of which gave researchers ‘the heebie-jeebies’.

  1. “This is a fascinating opportunity for the scientific community as a whole!” spouts Tabitha Stevens, breathlessly running through her brick-thick pile of notes and results. “Our initial tests are already showing a stunning reading of anomalous energy in each and every one of those artifacts! If we could be permitted to, erm, acquire them, this mysterious power source could be the backbone for future Random Chaosian technological advances! Think of the societal possibilities!”
  2. Pushing the scientist aside, your mustachioed military adviser Arnold Burns grips at a manila envelope entitled ‘TOP SECRET’. “That’s all fine and dandy, but what if we used this ‘anomllalus’ energy to power our weapons? These days, everyone’s raring to get bigger and better guns, and we need to make sure ours are bigger and better than everyone else’s! If we get those magic rock thingies, I’m sure my eggheads’ll make something out of it!”
  3. “Hold on a moment!” shouts physicist Gregory Feinmann, frantically tying a leaded apron around his waist. “Something feels off about this whole matter, and it’s not a strictly metaphorical sensation. I’m not saying these totems are radioactive, but you’d have to be bongos-level bonkers not to consider it as a rational explanation. For the sake of everyone, please consider immediately transporting this archaeological cache to my laboratory upon excavation. Although careful precautions may slow down the pace of research, my team is one of only a few in the nation with the proper equipment to actually handle this matter safely.”
  4. Amid the din, museum curator Lucina Park squeezes into your office while clutching her limited-edition copy of ‘Ancient Civilisations for Dummies’. “I think we’re all missing the point here! These are priceless artifacts, hearkening back to the days before Random Chaos was even around! If you don’t have the maturity to leave them where they are, at the very least send them to my museum so other Random Chaosians can actually appreciate what came before them!”
  5. A shallow bowl of apple purée smashes through the window, covering everyone in the room but you. Down on the street, a pious elderly individual paces furiously. “HERESY! WITCHCRAFT! Leader, these totems are an affront to my faith! Why you haven’t already destroyed them for the sake of Random Chaos, I have no idea!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, debate rages over whether ground fish guts can be spread on fields.

2021-07-10 22:00

Dead in the Water

Massive fertilizer-fueled algae blooms in the South Gambler Sea are quickly depleting aquatic oxygen levels and suffocating marine life. Vaguely aware of this fact, you are on a poorly-planned fishing trip in the South Gambler Sea arranged by the Ministry of Agriculture. The fishing expedition is intended to impress foreign dignitaries, but you can’t help but notice that there are more strategic locales for a PR stunt, areas that aren’t a sickly brown color. All the same, you cast a line into the water, and a few seconds later the fishing rod bends and flexes wildly.

  1. “That must be a big piece of garbage. There’s no way you’ll catch any fish in that dead water,” concludes Stefanie Gillard, an unabashed nihilist and CEO of DrillBabyDrill. She jabs a finger at the open sea, adding, “This proves that it’s high time to give up on environmental regulation altogether. If you want to squeeze some more production from this pool of filth, abolish those obsolete pollution laws hindering my offshore oil rigs. There’s nothing left to protect, after all.”
  2. A hard pull on the line drags the rod out of your hands. Josh Miller, a retired senior captain from Something Fishy, makes a diving catch for it and wrestles with whatever is on the other end. He exclaims, “If that’s a fish, we must find out how it miraculously lives in lifeless water!” He continues to struggle with the fishing rod. “But if it’s only trash out there, then the only way to save the fishing industry - and the environment - is to strictly limit the fertilizers causing this dead zone in the first place.”
  3. With a wrench and some salty language, the captain lands the ‘fish,’ a woman in a scuba suit. Floundering on deck, she fumes, “Aggh! I can’t see anything down there, with all that gunk from the estuary! Rumor has it there’s shipwrecks down there, but I’ve never seen one. Look, the problem here is chemical fertilizer run off from farms, so why not fix the problem back at the farms with better chemicals? Oblige the farmers to add chlorine bleach to the water supply in proportion to the fertilizers they use, and your rivers and seas will boast crystal clear water!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader lights cigars with a hundred-chip bill.

2021-07-10 16:00

Where There Isn’t Smoke

Since the smoking ban, tragedy has struck Random Chaos as the most hip bars lack a certain je ne sais quoi, formerly smoke-filled back rooms are disturbingly transparent, and withdrawing smokers are beset with torpor. Oh, who are you kidding: powerful tobacco interests, wheelbarrows full of money in tow, have come to your office begging for the law to change.

  1. “Think of the economic impact of the ban,” begs former Nicotine ‘R Us CEO Solya Baldwin. “Tobacco farmers letting their fields go fallow, convenience store workers closing shop after losing their most lucrative products, advertisement agencies forced to switch to making Saturday morning kids cartoons, and yes, the employees of the tobacco companies sent to the poor house. Why, it’s tragic!” He carefully wipes away a single tear with a check for a million chips, and discretely stuffs it into one of your pockets. “The economic stimulus and additional tax revenue of a complete lifting of tobacco restrictions should overcome any paltry health objections.”
  2. “Dude, this tax revenue talk has me thinking,” murmurs scruffy looking economics professor Ashwin Glover, who smells distinctly skunky to you. “On the one hand, legalizing tobacco and taxing it to the gills will bring in more revenue. On the other hand, legalizing all drugs and taxing them all to the gills will bring in even more revenue, which will then let you lower income taxes. It’ll be a total economic multiplier effect... or something. Hey, did you know the word ‘hand’ is just the word ‘and’ with an ‘h’ at the beginning? Freaky.”
  3. “Is Random Chaosian health really for sale?” asks your personal doctor, stethoscope pressed to your chest. “Are kids growing up with parents who are bed ridden due to emphysema worth a few more chips in the coffers of Random Chaos? How about hospital beds full of lung cancer victims? If anything, you should further discourage any renegade smoke-fiends by raising the penalties for getting caught holding or dealing tobacco.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, student athletes gaze forlornly at abandoned gamblerball fields.

2021-07-10 10:30

Brain Pain on the Sports Plain

Gamblerball - a sport that is extremely popular in Random Chaos but not so much anywhere else - is causing a slew of concussions in Random Chaosian schools. Brain trauma from the head-on collisions is causing cognitive problems and - on occasion - deaths.

  1. “You have to stop this madness!” yells Kendall Ebert, the mother of an eighthback for Random Chaos City High School. “My son has received so many concussions that his grades are dropping. To hell with tradition, our children’s fragile brains are more important!”
  2. “Come on, Leader. You’re not actually thinking about this, are you?” says Doris Longbottom, coach of the East Random Chaos City Wyverns, a well-known amateur gamblerball team. “I know it’s tough, but without gamblerball in the schools, who will be the great weekend warriors of the future? Need I mention that gamblerball is a storied part of Random Chaosian culture dating back generations? You wouldn’t want to mess that up, would you?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Conservative.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, noises louder than a whisper have been prohibited by law.

2021-07-10 04:00

The Silence and the Fury

A large, silent mass of people have staged a sit-in around the government buildings in Random Chaos City to protest noise pollution.

  1. The leader of the protest, Sy Lance, slips a handwritten letter across your desk. It reads: “The noise level in this city has become simply unbearable. I cannot walk down the street without having my delicate auditory faculties assaulted! For the sake of the nation’s hearing, you must enact stricter noise pollution laws. I implore you!”
  2. “WHAT?! YOU WANT TO BAN NOISE?! WELL, SOME OF US AREN’T OVERSENSITIVE! WE LIKE NOISE!” bellows a local construction worker. “I DON’T BUST MY HUMP WORKING DAY IN AND DAY OUT JUST TO HAVE THESE SISSIES TELL ME I NEED TO KEEP IT DOWN! WE DEMAND THE RIGHT TO MAKE AS MUCH NOISE AS WE WANT, WHATEVER THE TIME, WHEREVER THE PLACE!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, news headlines usually include p-values.

2021-07-09 22:00

Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics

A dubious study in a dubious scientific magazine recently asserted that pizza is healthy, preventing heart disease, curing cancer and treating low libido. The scientific community rapidly discredited the study, but not before newspaper headlines had many Random Chaosians believing it.

  1. “This is a cheese-topped catastrophe! A doughy disaster!” moans paediatrician Dr. Doménikos Jele, who has spent all morning trying to convince mums not to put their kids on a pizza-only diet. “Science can’t move forward if its legitimacy is being undermined by bad studies! This Eckie-Cola Scientific Review is a sorry excuse for a publication, taking payment to publish any old trash, and masquerading as a serious journal! You must pass laws demanding stringency of peer review and reference-checking in academia.”
  2. “You can’t stop bad science,” complains sociologist Julia Quagmire. “What you can do, however, is expect the media to check if studies are legitimate. Just fine news networks each time they broadcast misleading information or fail to check their scientific sources, and hold them legally accountable for the consequences of misinformation.”
  3. “Mamma mia, I tell you this is the truth!” exclaims Professor Giuseppe De Luigi, of the Independent Pizza Research Institute. “The ivory tower of academia has been saying for years that pizza was making the bambinos obese, but here is the evidence! It has all the fresh and organic ingredients, like tomatoes and even pineapples, and they count as a vegetable, sì? You should be telling everyone to be eating my cousin Benito’s delicious pizzas!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, both criminals and civilians are DOA.

2021-07-09 16:00

Protect and Swerve

A high-speed police pursuit ended in disaster last night when the suspect suddenly lost control of his vehicle and swerved into incoming traffic, triggering a fatal pileup. The deadly chase has raised questions regarding whether pursuits on the nation’s roadways are worth the danger they present to the public.

  1. “Let’s cut to the chase,” suggests roadway safety official Mary Vader. “Evidence shows that police pursuits present an unacceptable risk to the general public and drive Random Chaosians into their graves! A national no-pursuit policy should be adopted, with reasonable exceptions when authorized by a senior police officer. After all, there’s no point in running down the guilty if the innocent are collateral damage.”
  2. “If cops can’t tail thugs then why even have police cars?” oinks the rotund Random Chaos City Police Chief, channeling her frustration into your desk with a truncheon. “Besides, you’d be letting lawbreaking lowlifes escape! LEOs should instead be extensively trained in PIT, TPAC, and TVI against GTAs, TWOC, and perps DUI, to prevent IRTCs and RTAs. If criminals know escape is impossible, then maybe they won’t run to begin with. Do it ASAP!”
  3. “Nobody can escape a traffic jam!” declares the Interim Director of Infrastructure, Oversight, and Traffic at the Transportation Ministry. “Roadway congestion near vehicle pursuits can be easily created and manipulated by altering traffic lights or closing roads, ensnaring evasive goons in bumper-to-bumper backups, which all but guarantees quick apprehension by police. Motorists might not appreciate being made into unwitting roadblocks, but why care? If you ask me, the only thing more despicable than a bottleneck is a criminal!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, public incontinence is a growing problem amongst the nation's women.

2021-07-09 10:00

Leader, Let Your People Go!

Tragedy struck last Friday when police had to be called to a pop concert when the queue for the women’s washroom devolved first into squabbles, then a violent free-for-all, as desperate female fans fought to get to the front.

  1. “Women being forced to wait is... is... just another form of sexism,” complains Fanny Peasmore, a cross-legged concert-goer, with strained emphasis. “By forcing businesses and old stadiums to accommodate more… more… ah, people in women’s washrooms, we can finally realise a fairer, more equal experience at the wash- SPEED IT UP, GRANS, SOME OF US HAVE GOT TO GO!”
  2. “What a load of sh-” starts Boutros Lopez, a controversial heavy metal singer, before being interrupted by the concert-goer elbowing her way past him with a desperate look on her face. “Look, if they don’t like having to wait for the loo they can always bring their ‘business’ elsewhere. It’s a free market. Nobody is forcing them folks to go there. One washroom for each gender. Fair is fair if fair is fair, am I right?”
  3. “One washroom is fine, sweeties, but why all this fuss over artificial categories?” asks Mx. Shewhart, looking great in a fetching tuxedo and miniskirt combo. “Just take off the boy and girl signs on the doors, and be gender fluid about where you pass your fluids. Where would you be without me, darling?”
  4. “Oh wow, I really feel for these girls!” says Gregg, one of the five singers from boy band ‘The Unattended Gents’, whose pop concert was so tumultuous. “It’s our fault, for sure. I’ve written a song all about how sorry we are, and the gentle massage I’m gonna give those girls to make up for it. But hey, I know how we can fix this. Let’s have every visit to the little lady’s room cost 1 chip, then those queues will be a thing of the past. We can all be happy together, forever.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Extensive Public Healthcare and Most Patriotic.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, aristocratic family trees are beginning to resemble tumbleweeds.

2021-07-09 05:30

Gentry Genes Getting Grim

Duke Geoffrey Bannister, a 13-year-old scion visiting from the ancient nation of Maxtopia, is an absolute oik who seems to lack impulse control and empathy, and is known to have terrorized his own fiefdom with no regard for human life. Many blame his odious personality (and his distinctive jutting “Maxburg chin”) on generations of interbreeding. A council of Random Chaosian nobles has been convened to discuss how this sort of outcome can be avoided amongst your own nation’s nobility.

  1. “The things we do for love,” complains Random Chaosian noble James Bannister, who is an indeterminate relative of the young duke, and has just returned from an arduous and prolonged trek to drop the young horror back home. “My uh... ‘nephew’ is a special case. But you can’t always blame genes! I mean, his mother is a fine figure of a woman. A fine, fine figure. There have always been occasional bad eggs, but breeding true has benefits too. We have to think about our dynastic security and continuation of stable government! If anything, we ought to be quashing this seditious talk about inbreeding and bad genes, and instead require that noble blood is never diluted with the common classes. We are their social betters!”
  2. “Widening the gene pool is sensible, but we can maintain some decorum while doing so, and perhaps also accrue some political advantage,” muses noble matriarch Helena Tyrone, smiling slyly at you. “I wonder if perhaps a small group of powerbrokers, led by yourself, could arrange matches between our nation’s nobles and suitable men and women of power from across the world. Young folk should offer love to and breed with who we tell them to, don’t you think, my dear?”
  3. “Know what the problem is?” asks General Josh Archer, immediately answering his own question before you can reply. “These loons being empowered at all. We all know that real power isn’t blood, or genes, or nobility. Real power comes from force of arms, and command of armies. So, let’s just get rid of this aristocracy nonsense, and centralize YOUR power. Long live Leader! Long live Random Chaos!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is suspected of mass disappearing dissidents both at home and abroad.

2021-07-08 22:00

Subversive Shortwaves

Radio Free Random Chaos - operating out of neighboring Bigtopia - has been broadcasting subversive views throughout Random Chaos. Government hard-liners, outraged by the station’s ideology, have demanded that something now be done.

  1. “This cannot stand!” barks Ken Kidman, head of the Armed Forces. “Bigtopia has always tried to undermine us, and allowing known rabble-rousers to broadcast their vile propaganda into our nation is just their latest attempt to destabilize our government. Immediate invasion and a blank check for the military would silence this Bigtopian nonsense once and for all.”
  2. “Excessive and far too expensive,” counters Patty Ripley, a professor at the Random Chaos Institute of Communications Engineering. “The solution is not always bombing or occupation. After all, our main targets are their radio stations. A powerful transmitter to jam the frequencies they broadcast on will prevent anyone from listening. It just so happens I have the blueprints for such a device with me. Sure, it won’t be cheap, but it will cost far less than a prolonged military campaign.”
  3. “I think my esteemed colleagues are putting the cart before the horse,” says a shifty character from Overseas Intelligence. “It would be much more effective if there were no dissidents willing to broadcast in the first place. My people are in place; just give the word and we can silence this station within a week. Along with every other unpatriotic muckraker we can track down, of course.”
  4. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” gasps Wulfric Zhimo, a social policy adviser. “Dissent is an essential part of the political process. How are we to know what we are doing wrong if we don’t listen to our critics? Sure some of them have extreme opinions, but it’s our responsibility to build bridges and understand why they feel so disenfranchised that they felt they had to leave in the first place. I suggest initiating a government-funded study to identify the root of the problem, followed by training for all government employees to ensure none of our population feels this way again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, modelling agencies send their clients to work in nursing homes.

2021-07-08 16:00

A Day to Remember

Last week, your aides scheduled a meeting between you and a renowned former stateswoman of Random Chaos. Unfortunately, due to her long-standing battle with Alzheimer’s disease, the meeting left something to be desired, bringing the once-forgotten issue of dementia treatment in Random Chaos back into the spotlight.

  1. Marjorie Márquez, the stateswoman with whom you met, expresses her concerns to a nearby aide, whom she appears to have mistaken as being in charge. “Once upon a time, I would have been running this Free Land, but now I’m... I’m... What was I saying? Oh yes… Some folk like me might need day centres, and help round the house. I’m fine, but what I wouldn’t mind is more attractive nurses like that cutie over there.” She winks in your direction.
  2. As she leaves, the aide she was talking to rolls her eyes. “Surely it can’t fall to Random Chaos to give people like Márquez handouts. If these old farts haven’t planned for inevitable cognitive decline, that’s their fault. Cut all aged care funding, and if people can’t manage — well then, I guess it’s just too bad.”
  3. “Hang on, hang on. Whatever happened to having a caring family?” interjects your aunt, who is herself advancing in years. “When I was young, we used to care for our parents through thick and thin! This country needs more reinforcement of the traditional family values, which means the young loving and caring for their elders. We should make the elderly legal dependants on their children, to make them pay their parents back for raising them.”
  4. “Y’know, there’s another solution to this problem,” whispers your ever-present Minister for Creative Solutions, sharpening a straight razor on a whetstone. “These people aren’t contributing to our economy, so why don’t we make a few government cuts, if you know what I mean.” She waves the blade menacingly.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, blind dates tend to result in bruised shins.

2021-07-08 10:00

Turning a Blind Eye?

When a blind man and his guide gambler were recently refused service in Random Chaos City restaurant ‘The Haute Potato’, it started a heated debate that few had seen coming.

  1. “This is a real eye-opener!” exclaims Mathias Murdock, head of the Random Chaosian Blind Trust, speaking to a large group of cane-wielding protesters. “This discrimination against the blind and partially-sighted has gone on for too long. Not only should we be allowed to take our companions and guardians wherever we go, now is the time to realize our vision of a society completely accessible for the visually impaired!”
  2. “Gamblers must be kept out of restaurants; why can’t these people see that?” queries Minerva McAlpin, a young chef from ‘The Haute Potato’, reeking of paprika. “It’s not that I don’t understand, really, I do, but it’s a health issue, you know. Imagine that thing entering the kitchen; you’d get their fur or scales or whathaveyou all over the buffet,” she asserts confidently while her sweat trickles down into tonight’s baba ganoush. “He should just tie his gambler outside along with any other mutt. They still have their canes, don’t they?”
  3. Your gambler-walker, Leia Snyder, who has 20/20 vision, rambles at you whilst untangling several leads. “Why are we only thinking of the blind here? I can’t see why the blind should be able to take their gamblers into restaurants, while my poor babies still have to be tied out in the rain. You’ll let me take my gamblers into restaurants as well, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, power stations shutting down at night has made bedtime reading tricky.

2021-07-08 04:00

Warning, Fatigue

A recent midnight explosion at the Random Chaosian National Steelworks, which claimed nine lives and injured a dozen more, was found to be due to an easily fixable error. The blocked release valve that was responsible did have an alarm circuit attached to it, which was warning that there was a problem. However, this was overlooked by no less than five safety technicians who all claim not to have noticed the flashing red light. The scale of the industrial disaster that followed this error has led to a government investigation.

  1. “This is about fatigue on the job. I warned my bosses, but nobody listens to me for some reason,” says Floor Technician Orville Rose, in a whiny monotone voice that would be so easy to just tune out. “Shift work, antisocial hours and inadequate length of break times and so on and so forth. Oh, I could go on and on. Dangerous heavy industry should only be allowed to operate during normal daytime hours, with decently long paid breaks and good union representation.”
  2. “No no, the problem here is information overload from warning fatigue,” claims Systems Engineer Tracy Abbott, helpfully turning off your TV set, radio and mobile phone so you can focus on what she is saying. “There are three dozen flashing lights and buzzing alarms on the work station, and that’s basically too many. What we need is a comprehensive review of all workplaces to reduce all this electronic distraction, and mandate that systems be simplified down to just the base essentials.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, employers may fire workers without giving any reason.

2021-07-07 22:00

Tourism Workers Strike!

Workers across the nation have gone out on indefinite strike over what they claim are substandard wages in the Tourism industry.

  1. “We are the backbone of this country, and we demand a fair wage rise!” says union leader Namgel Hendrikson. “I don’t think a 20% increase over two years is too much to ask. Unless the government forces employers to give us our due, we’ll shut this whole industry down! Let’s see how well Random Chaos’s economy manages without any Tourism, huh?”
  2. “We pay our employees very generous wages,” says employer representative Stella Parke. “Especially when you consider that without us, they’d be OUT ON THE STREET. Hear that, you scumbags? OUT ON THE STREET! Anyway, my point is, if you cave in, you make our entire industry uncompetitive. You can’t do that in the global marketplace. It’ll hurt the whole country. The best solution, economically speaking, would be to relax industrial laws and allow us to fire troublemakers on the spot.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, if a tree falls in the forest Leader is personally notified.

2021-07-07 17:00

Piracy on the High Trees

Both a popular ornamental and a prized source of lumber, the Random Chaosian cherry tree has spiked in value due to Random Chaos’s recent bespoke furniture craze. Coincidentally, there has also been a spike in bandit lumberjacks surreptitiously stealing shade trees from residences in the middle of the night.

  1. “The streets are filled with chainsaws right now and it’s frankly disgusting,” growls gruff detective Dana Johnson, while photographing a branch from a fresh crime scene. “The other day I saw a bunch of flannel-clad hooligans walking to the park, each one chainsaw in hand, and I couldn’t do anything. Create a chainsaw registry, linking each saw owner to a chainsaw’s unique wear patterns, and I promise you we’ll have this crime wave licked faster than you can say ‘timber’.”
  2. “Willful waste, makes woeful want,” chides noted antiques dealer Jabulani Quinn. “We already have plenty of perfectly good furniture in Random Chaos. We just need to revitalize the art of upholstery repair. The government should sponsor restoration classes and subsidize the sale of refurbished furniture. It would also allow for some reasonable environmental regulations to help preserve the trees before they’re gone.”
  3. “The problem, I’m afraid, is capitalism,” declares Minerva Wong, a noted socialist thinker. “If we just nationalized the ownership of all trees there’d be no question as to which trees were harvested legally since only the government could harvest them. Furthermore, we’d be assured that all the forestry in Random Chaos is sustainable because we’d be the ones doing it. Who else can Random Chaosians possibly trust to handle these important matters besides the government?”
  4. “Wha’ be th’ problem?” asks notorious logger, Captain William Ash, who, after losing a hand in a rumored chainsaw duel, had it replaced with a handsaw. “We... er... th’ pirate loggers are jus’ usin’ a valuable resource that those homeowners were wastin’ as shade trees. Once trees get t’ a merchantable size, anyone best be able t’ log them no matter whose land they be on. ‘N if anyone disagrees I’ll send them t’ Davy Jones’ locker!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, drug distribution is tightly controlled by the government.

2021-07-07 10:00

Soda Sales Hits New ‘High’

After waning sales, the well-established soda company ‘Eckie-Ecola’ has appealed to the government for the right to use powerful mind-altering drugs in their products.

  1. “It’ll be great,” says Archibald Lovegood, the CEO of Eckie-Ecola. “Nice ‘n’ happy floating feelings all in a can, and all for just one chip! It’s not the healthiest drink I admit, but what people want to do with their bodies is their own business. If you ban this beverage, you’re only denying the citizens of their right to be exposed to the true hallucinogenic experience!”
  2. “This can’t go ahead,” argues Erica Shongwe, a nurse at one of Random Chaos’s hospitals. “Drugs are, and always will be, one of the greatest threats to the nation’s physical and mental health! My job’s hard enough as it is without having the wards overrun by patients who were stupid enough to drink the damned stuff. The distribution of drugs must be strictly controlled by the government and kept for medicinal uses.”
  3. “If you ask me,” says Karl Bell, from behind a cloud of smoke. “We should just let everyone have drugs for free! If the government legalised and subsidised all these ‘bad’ drugs and gave ‘em out to everyone, all our problems would be solved! There’d be no more drug traffickers, or thugs robbing old ladies to feed their addictions! ‘Course there’d be a bit of a detrimental effect healthwise and to the drug industries, but the beauty of it all is that everyone will be too doped up to care!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Grinder at Fat Sal's Deli and Recycling Center is a national institution.

2021-07-07 04:00

Dumpster Divers Dividing Denizens

Freegans - people who eat food, wear clothes, and use other goods retrieved from trash bins - have created a big stink across Random Chaos. They’ve especially gotten up the noses of retail business owners, who say the practice pongs. The disputants have dumped themselves in your office, insisting you dispose of the issue.

  1. “Freeganism promotes environmental responsibility by reducing consumption,” says Gaia Gambler Rainbow, while rifling through your waste basket and pocketing a piece of used gum. “Our consumerist economy wastes an obscene amount of natural resources by throwing away perfectly good and usable items! In fact, most food that reaches its ‘sell by’ date is still perfectly safe to eat. Greedy corporate interests are slapping the faces of the poor, the wretched and the needy when you consider how much they waste. The government needs to support freegans, and help us trash waste!”
  2. Ethel Case, President of the Random Chaos City Chamber of Commerce, passes around free embossed air fresheners before interjecting. “That smelly anarchist fails to mention the huge mess created by everyone digging around in our dumpsters, which scares away our customers! Eating expired food out of the trash is dangerously unhealthy, not to mention totally gross. Look, the bottom line is we’re losing business because of these vultures. Can you get the police to arrest them? If they want food and clothing, they should have to work hard to buy them like any other Random Chaosian.”
  3. “YO! DOWN HERE!” bellows a voice through your office window. You look down at the street to see Kasper Hudson, a municipal garbage collector. “Look, it ain’t safe to have people diggin’ through dumpsters. But hey, I get it. It ain’t right to have good food thrown away when so many are hungry. YO SAL!” The worker whacks the side of the truck a couple of times, and the compactor inside begins to roar. “Why don’t you boost welfare spendin’, and require shops to donate past-‘sell-by’... wha?... um, but safe goods to food banks? Make ‘em an offer they can’t scrap.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, returning vacationers often find that their property is now a construction site.

2021-07-06 22:00

Trouble in Deed

During a photo op in a fairly upscale neighborhood of Random Chaos City, you notice a surprising number of abandoned houses dotting nearly every street. According to the painfully grinning woman whose baby you’re kissing, the properties are still owned by Random Chaosian expats who emigrated to various other countries, often decades ago.

  1. “Are these decrepit buildings a blight on the place? You betcha!” remarks the ever-smiling woman, who happens to be a City Councilor, wrestling your Minister of Public Relations over the baby. “It’s not just here, either. My colleagues tell me that cities across Random Chaos are dealing with this plague, and it’s getting in the way of the plans for our new megamall, dontcha know. Local governments need broad authority to step in and seize buildings that aren’t being used, so that they can be auctioned or demolished. Now can I have my baby back? I’ve got a hotdish in the oven.”
  2. “You can’t do that!” screeches your rarely seen Minister of Sanity, crawling out of the woodwork of a nearby house. “Imagine what would happen if we let some mayor seize property just because it isn’t being used, especially if that property is owned by expats who might have dual citizenship! Do you want an international incident on our hands? The government needs to do things by the book, and not stir up any trouble. Instead, let’s try to contact every person that owns unused property here, and ask if they’d be willing to sell.”
  3. “What happens in Random Chaos stays in Random Chaos!” declares vagrant Indira Zimmer, loading a bulging stack of boxes into a shopping cart. “As far as anyone’s concerned, the people owning these properties have ceased to exist. Us local folk could really use them houses for living, social gatherings, and steali- er, borrowing anything not nailed down. If the owners come back, you can just give the land back to them. What’ve you got to lose?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are encouraged to show displeasure with politicians by poking them with sharp metal sticks.

2021-07-06 16:00

Duel Purposes

You are having an early morning discussion with your Finance Minister about Maxtopia’s recently enacted sheep tariffs when a sword-wielding maniac jumps into your field of view.

  1. “Hello, my name is Count Mount Crystal,” monologues the saber-brandishing hooligan, who seems rather familiar for some reason. “I was exiled for false charges of high treason. I lost my wealth, property, and custody of my children after I was forced to leave Random Chaos. However, I managed to return, and I am here to settle a score. Prepare to die!”
  2. “Excuse us, ‘Count’, but we were in the middle of a discussion of national importance!” fumes your Finance Minister, trying to shoo the miscreant away. “This just demonstrates the uncouth nature of conflicts being settled by two people waving big sticks at one another. We should ban dueling of any sort, have disputes once again settled via the legal process, return to our riveting discussion, and avoid entertaining this cretin.”
  3. “How undignified!” reprimands Raphael Tesla, an economic advisor, tut-tutting at the entire scene. “Why must we insist on solving disagreements through violence? Instead, how about a nice game of chess? Don’t ban dueling altogether, just make it take a more intellectual form.”
  4. “All of you are ignoring the big picture!” exclaims Yui Chavez, a legal consultant. “This clearly indicates that our judicial system is in need of a major overhaul. If we allow juries again, judicial oversight would be a thing of the past, and malicious malefactors like him would receive a fair trial and wouldn’t be knocking upon your door and threatening you in the hot light of morning.”
  5. Several security guards burst forcefully into your office, almost destroying your front door in the process, as the ‘Count’ ducks behind a pillar. “We are deeply sorry for our failure to protect you!” apologizes Dana Jackman, Head of Security, grabbing your arm and hastily leading you out of the room. “Clearly, allowing dueling to solve political disputes will quickly deplete us of all our leaders and politicians, including you. You just have to ban people from challenging politicians to duels, and call it a day.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parents live in fear of governmental 'child protection' squads.

2021-07-06 10:00

Spare the Rod, Demand Welfare Activists

The Random Chaos S.P.C.C. has launched a fresh campaign to stop parents from smacking their children. They demand that the government introduce laws to ban this form of ‘corporal punishment’.

  1. Child Psychiatrist, Dr. Clint Wiseau, speaks at a press conference on the matter: “Parents and teachers must realise that smacking children increases aggressiveness, lowers their self-esteem, and can cause long-term emotional trauma! How can anybody think that it is anything but child abuse? Parents who resort to smacking their children are obviously unfit to be parents at all! We must ban this horrible practice at once!”
  2. “What are these lunatics on about?!” yells Ingrid duPont, a concerned parent. “Smacking children has been an effective form of punishment since the dawn of mankind! Outlaw it and I guarantee you the next generation will be a disorderly disaster! Children need, nay CRAVE discipline! Sometimes the only language they understand is the cane, and the government has to respect that!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, property subletting is going underground.

2021-07-06 05:30

I’ll Be in My Bunker

With rising world tensions, many people are clamoring for nuclear bunkers.

  1. “We need a communal shelter in each major city for when the inevitable global nuclear war arrives,” declares Ivana Locke, self-proclaimed concrete pouring expert, who is phoning in on her two-hour drive from Gambler City to Random Chaos City. “You spend the money, and you do it right. You make one mistake, Leader, one tiny little mistake, and the whole world comes crashing down around you. It’d also be a worthy public works project, helping the unemployed now and for the foreseeable future.”
  2. “I agree we do need bunkers, but Ms. Locke has not gone far enough,” worries paranoid local Gertie Powell. “You hear about the four-minute warning? That’s how much time we have to get to shelter. Everybody deserves to survive the nuclear apocalypse, not just those who are lucky enough to be close to a communal vault. You should have one shelter for every Random Chaosian home. I know, I know, too expensive - that’s why you make it a building regulation, and force home builders to meet that standard.”
  3. “Why bother with coward-houses when our enemy could be eradicated before they could consider striking us?” asks political hawk Leonardo Wickwire, swatting a fly on the wall with a double-handed axe. “No complicated shenanigans either, just a small increase to our nuclear arsenal to make us capable of destroying the very planet we stand upon. Nobody would be that crazy to attack us if we had that!”
  4. “I think I speak for all sane folk when I say we don’t need this rubbish,” offers a passer-by from outside your window. “Nukes are just for posturing - nobody ever uses them! I read that in Brasilistan they got rid of their nuclear deterrents altogether, and I don’t think it ever hurt them. We should give the taxpayer a break by paring back our military, committing to no nukes, and living our lives in pleasure. I’m not paying for an event that may or may not even happen! And if I’m wrong, we’ll all be dead anyway.”
  5. “You know, we could save money by investing in just one super-luxurious fallout shelter,” observes trans-humanist visionary Roberta House, via a video call. “Build one just for the ten thousand or so people that really matter - the politicians and leaders of industry. You can keep a freezer full of sperm and eggs from carefully-picked beautiful and brilliant individuals, to help maintain future genetic diversity. Let the common folk worry about the ramifications of the nuclear winter for themselves. A hundred or so years later, our descendants will emerge. Humanity will be reborn from the brightest, the best, and the wealthiest!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sweet-toothed Random Chaosians have been left penniless by the VAT on candy.

2021-07-05 22:00

Vexing VAT

A collection of shoppers and business owners have gathered outside your office to protest over the current levels of value-added tax - the sales tax that is applied to products and services at the time of purchase - also known as VAT.

  1. “It’s outright theft, I say!” exclaims business owner Pericles Fallon, while restocking a display with mugs exhibiting your image. “Why should the state leech off my success? I’ve had customers walk out of my store in a huff because the VAT jacked up the prices. The government could easily make money through other kinds of tax instead of harming my business. I say we get rid of this ridiculous VAT altogether and let our economy thrive without limits!”
  2. “Are you mad?” scoffs bureaucrat Virginia Malik, twirling her bespoke pen. “Do you have any idea how much the national treasury takes in through VAT? It helps pay for all kinds of things! Education, welfare, defence, and so on. The point is, this form of tax is a very valuable part of our taxation code that, if removed, would leave many public works bereft of funds. I say we increase VAT, and use the funds we raise to reduce the despicable income tax that bleeds the hard-working people of Random Chaos dry.”
  3. “As always, there is a third option,” muses a passer-by with a voice of confidence. “There is no doubt that this tax disproportionately affects the poor, but we also can’t deny that it helps fund programmes that the poor themselves benefit from. Might I suggest reducing VAT on basic necessities while increasing it on luxury items? The rich might not like it, but it’s high time that they paid their dues to society and their fellow citizens.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military refers to helpless combatants offering surrender as "sitting ducks".

2021-07-05 16:00

The Hunt for Violet November

Blackacre, a nation historically opposed to Random Chaos, has declared that their submarine Violet November has gone missing, and are keen to scour the area where it was last spotted — just off the edge of the Random Chaosian continental shelf.

  1. “Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice, Leader,” says Tyrone Lancaster, a diminutive Blackacrean ambassador. “Our submarine was just a training vessel that got erm... blown off course... or something. But the main issue here is saving the thirty crew members that are on board before their oxygen runs out! Any kind of help will be greatly appreciated: freedom of movement for our search boats, logistical aid, rescue teams, engineers... This is such a great opportunity for our two nations to start on a path towards greater friendship.”
  2. “A training vessel? Yeah! Right!” exclaims Rear Admiral Bell as the ambassador leaves your office. “I bet all my navy ribbons that we’re talking about a spy sub or a nuke platform! Those Blackacreans are always stirring up trouble and encroaching into our territorial waters. You should have our own submarines, frigates and destroyers search out and destroy unauthorised military vessels, including this sub, once we find it! That will give them something to think about before trespassing here again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government burgles the houses of holidaying citizens.

2021-07-05 10:00

Frozen Assets

A Random Chaosian mountain climber was lost in a remote province of Dàguó, atop a peak known as the Mother of All Mountains. She is most likely dead, but without the body, her relatives have had trouble collecting death benefits and inheriting her estate.

  1. “It’s hard enough losing her without having to deal with all this red tape!” sobs the climber’s tearful sister, gazing distressedly at the late climber’s 8th century porcelain vase collection. “This is just adding insult on top of injury! We all know she’s not coming back, so please, just help us get a piece of... uh, I mean help us find peace!”
  2. “Just because Yolanda Vasquez climbed the Mother of All Mountains doesn’t mean it’s her job to help her grasping relatives climb the social ladder,” sneers cantankerous left-wing blogger Daisy Cooper. “Have the government seize her property for now, and hold it in trust until she turns up, dead or alive.”
  3. “Perhaps I can help your government resolve this issue,” offers mountain guide Hirsa Hendi Sherpa. “It might be possible to recover Yolanda’s body, if you’re willing to fund the search. With a well-organized search of the 30,000-foot peak, we’ll almost certainly find your woman. Then all the paperwork will be simple and her family can give her a proper funeral.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Subsidized Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, school lunches are made with hypo-allergenic wood pulp.

2021-07-05 04:00

Death by Chocolate

Random Chaos City’s latest scandal du jour is a tragic incident in which a 2nd grader with a peanut allergy died after a classmate shared a box of chocolate candies with peanut and caramel fillings. Now some parents are saying that Random Chaosian schools need to do more to protect students with food allergies.

  1. “How could the school allow this?” wails Sandra Skywalker, the mother of the girl who died. “It’s totally irresponsible! Students shouldn’t be allowed to bring food from home and cafeterias should only serve food that no one is allergic to.”
  2. “Life is like a box of chocolates,” says renowned sprinter Forrest Gumbo, apparently oblivious to how tone-deaf he sounds. “You never know what you’re gonna get. If you ban peanuts, you’ll get a student who’s allergic to shellfish. If you ban shellfish, you’ll get a student who’s allergic to wheat. You can’t ban it all. If your kid has a food allergy, it’s up to you to make sure they know what’s safe to eat and what’s not.”
  3. “Screw you! You think I don’t talk to my kids?” snaps Ingram Skywalker, the father of the deceased student. “I’m not the one who gave Barbara that goddamn candy! If you want parents to be able to protect our children, then give us some control! There’s no reason for kids to be eating at school no matter where the food came from. Instead, you should invest in some decent transportation so you can send kids home for meals and let them eat with their family.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a dictator has seized power and outlawed elections.

2021-07-04 22:00

Corporations Demand Political Say

A well-heeled lobby group is pushing for the elimination of regulations that prevent corporations from donating money to political parties.

  1. “This is supposed to be a democratic country,” Tourism industry spokesperson Tukti Bond says. “Yet these archaic laws say I can’t donate money to support a political party. They put ceilings on the amount any party can spend on advertising. It’s time to stop treating voters like children, and trust them to make up their own minds. Free the ballot box!”
  2. “You say political freedom, I hear vote-buying,” says popular anarchist Bruce Hammarskjöld. “If these fat cats get their way, politicians will buy their own seat in Congress. And let’s face it, a slick advertising campaign can convince a lot of apathetic voters. We need to tighten the laws, not repeal them. Money should have no place in politics!”
  3. “Frankly, I don’t see why we need to have elections at all,” says your brother, Cillian, over a late-night malt whiskey. “You always seem to know what’s best. Why not scrap the whole political system? It would make things so much simpler.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos has taken the radical step of electing its future leaders.

2021-07-04 16:00

If at First You Don’t Succeed...

After a close shave with a rabid gambler, a small group of apparatchiks in grey suits have gathered round the hospital bed in which you are recuperating to discuss the delicate issue of the succession.

  1. “I’m sure we’ll have the benefit of your wise guidance for many years to come, Leader,” says your Chief of Staff Natalia Lobachevsky, “but just in case the worst should happen, would you mind letting us know who should fill your mighty shoes? Not that such a gargantuan task would be easy, of course.”
  2. “In the event of your unfortunate demise,” suggests your brother as he surreptitiously replaces your recuperative health drink with finest scotch, “Random Chaos will need someone to look up to. Let’s face it, the country is full of wastrels who need a firm hand. That’s why an absolute monarch, with final authority over every aspect of Random Chaosian life, is the answer. After all, such a monarch can always choose the right trusted, older candidate of proven loyalty and ability to succeed them. I think I know just the man...”
  3. “No, you mustn’t!” cries your sister, yanking the scotch from your hand and handing you a grape. “If there is a monarchy, it must be regulated by limits placed by an elected government. That way, the people still get a say in how their country is run, and the person at the top doesn’t get overstressed. Not only that, but think what an unscrupulous person might do given absolute power: bump off loathed relatives, persecute political enemies and even destroy the country.” Noticing your brother grinning at her, she remembers she has something to do and sprints out of the room.
  4. “You know what I think?” declares Valour Sestero, your chief of security. “All this talk of replacing you is treason, pure and simple! You must eliminate anyone who has even mentioned the succession at once, before they usurp you!”
  5. “I think science might have the solution,” claims your attendant physician Cameron Barrow, who couldn’t help overhearing the previous conversations. “With adequate funding and the latest medical technologies, my colleagues and I may be able to dramatically increase your lifespan. It’ll mean diverting funds from everyone else’s healthcare, of course, but what value would their insignificant little lives have without you, O Leader, to guide them?”
  6. “Even death need not be the end!” shouts one of your more fervent acolytes before being taken away for a nice lie down in a darkened room. “Why not declare yourself leader in perpetuity? Then we’ll never be without your divine guidance! Think about it. Leader... forever!”
  7. “Er, excuse me,” says your nurse, who has been attending to your intravenous drip and so far remained unnoticed, “but shouldn’t it be up to the people to decide who your successor is?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an underground movement of cigarette smokers has sprung up in response to a government ban.

2021-07-04 10:00

Don’t Puff on Me, Say Non-Smokers

There is a growing call within Random Chaos to abolish smoking in public areas.

  1. “I’m in full support of this motion,” says man on the street Billy-Bob Zukerburg. “I’m sick of being stuck behind smokers, sucking in their pollution! They can light up in the privacy of their own homes, if they want.”
  2. “What’s so special about their homes?” says anti-smoking campaigner Jamil Fitzgerald. “The government has a responsibility to stop people from hurting themselves — it’s the same reason we should make them wear seat belts in cars. Sooner or later, they end up in one of Random Chaos’s hospitals, sucking on taxpayer-funded healthcare. Not that that’s why we should ban smoking. We should ban it because we care.”
  3. “Get your hands off my fag!” wheezes long-time smoker Molly May. “I’ve been smoking for fifty years and it’s never done me any harm. Helps me concentrate, it does! The government should back off on trying to tell me what I can put into my own body. Telling a smoker he can’t light up in a restaurant is discrimination, pure and simple. If you want to put a stop to unfairness, stop that.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Mining Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, crime is on the rise as DNA sampling has been all but outlawed.

2021-07-04 04:00

Police Wanting Help With Their Inquiries

After delayed DNA evidence put a notorious rapist behind bars the police have demanded that it be mandatory for those accused of a crime to surrender blood and tissue samples to aid the elimination process.

  1. “I’m surprised this hasn’t been brought up sooner,” says Chief Constable Jacob Swift. “If we have DNA samples of all the accused it will make solving crimes like rape and murder that much faster! Sure, some people will think it’s a tad invasive, but in my experience if you’re worried by something like giving up a few drops of the red stuff then you’ve probably got something to hide.”
  2. “This is a breach of privacy in every meaning of the word!” criminal defence attorney Miranda Carter exclaims. “Or three words, but this is an outrage! It’s these peoples’ bodies, not the government’s nor the police’s. If they want to give a DNA sample it should be THEIR decision! Now I’ll admit there have been times when DNA sampling has helped solve a case or two but shouldn’t we be upholding the inherent right of every man and woman to have their body remain unmolested unless they should so choose it? Undoubtedly! DNA sampling should only take place with the person’s informed consent.”
  3. “What about the victims of these crimes?” asks DI Thupten Howard, ever gruff and stalwart in the face of adversity. “Do they not have rights? Their right to privacy’s been violated so it ought to be the responsibility of the criminal to give up his own. What I propose is the collection of DNA samples from every citizen in Random Chaos so we can track down the culprit if none of our suspects come up with anything. It’ll be expensive, sure, there’s 2.501 billion people to go through... but it’s just a small blood sample. Don’t you think it’s worth it?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, scenic tours are unheard of after most environmental laws were abolished.

2021-07-03 22:00

Plastic, Plastic Everywhere

An unusual alliance of environmental activists and garbagemen have brought to your attention the increasing glut of plastic bags that have been found littering the streets of Random Chaos’s cities.

  1. “These damn bags are everywhere!” shouts angry refuse collector Thomas Douglas. “They’re in our trees, in our rivers, in our streets, and in our sewer system! Do you know how much extra work we have to do to clean up after slobs who are too lazy to put their trash in a can? Ban these bags completely and fine those stores who refuse to comply! Sure, people may have to remember to bring their own damn bags, but think about the back-breaking labor my fellow garbagemen will avoid! And the environment, of course.”
  2. “If you can’t get rid of the bags, you must change the bags!” exclaims Bodhi Lennon, an environmentalist spokesperson wearing a lab coat and a huge grin. “Scientists have developed plastics that break down over time, so it doesn’t matter where they’re dumped. Require that only biodegradable plastic bags can be sold in Random Chaos, and the problem will go away.”
  3. “You’re not really going to listen to this nonsense, are you?” says Gertie Schmidt, CEO of PlastiCorp Industries. “Do you know how much this will hurt the plastic industry? How many people I will need to lay off? How many chips I - I mean, Random Chaos - will lose? Our economy needs less environmental regulation, not more! Just say no to limits on our plastic bags, and while you’re at it loosen up environmental laws for corporations in general. We can’t afford to let hippie ideas get in the way of Random Chaos’s bottom line.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military spending is on the increase.

2021-07-03 16:00

Military Demands Increased Spending

The Department of Defense has put its case for a substantial increase in funding for the coming financial year.

  1. “These are turbulent times we live in,” says Defense Chief Calvin Woolf. “Turbulent and dangerous. And the only sensible response to that, of course, is to build a lot more weapons. Unless we get the funding we need, I can’t promise that we’ll be able to defend Random Chaos’s sovereign borders from rogue nations and foreign powers. Or those leaky boatloads of refugees, for that matter.”
  2. “NO MORE BOMBS,” chant the protestors outside Parliament House, in a repetitious and increasingly annoying appeal. Spokesperson Harriet Egan, speaking through a feedback-afflicted microphone, says, “Random Chaos needs fewer weapons, not more! Make the world a safer place! Disarm now!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, marijuana is legal in the privacy of your own home.

2021-07-03 10:00

Random Chaos Awash With Red-Rimmed Eyes

National marijuana consumption has hit an all-time high, with alarming results, a new poll has found.

  1. “My factory’s productivity is down ten percent since marijuana was decriminalized,” complains employer Iris Larson. “And the number of thefts from the candy machine is off the scale. This so-called ‘pot’ needs to be banned in all public places. Let the junkies do what they want at home, but not in my workplace.”
  2. “Whoa, dude, no need to get, like, you know,” says Free Your Mind campaigner Sejong Sajak, from his parents’ basement. “This is, like, a personal choice issue, you know. It’s like... whoa, just back off what I want to do with my own body. Don’t let the fascists win, man. There are some hot new eckies coming in soon, they should be legal too.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Subsidized Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, drunk drivers are sentenced to death.

2021-07-03 04:00

Drunk Driving on the Rise

More and more, citizens are drinking before getting behind the wheel. A group of concerned citizens wants something done.

  1. Erik Mason, head of Random Chaos’s chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous, says that drunk drivers need help. “Alcoholism is a nasty thing, a disease. The government has to help these poor souls to avoid the temptations of liquor, and wine, and beer, and hard cider, and brandy, and...” His eyes get a glazed, far-off look. “Where was I? Oh right, we have to help these people, not imprison them.”
  2. “That’s lovely,” says Sam Smit, a noted anti-alcohol advocate, “in a perfect world where rehab fixes everything. But this is the real world, and it doesn’t bring back the victims. Drunk drivers kill people every day. If they take others’ lives, the government must take theirs!”
  3. “All of those plans attack the symptoms, not the disease,” says Minister of Transportation Ali Bond. “Alcohol is a curse, a poison sent by the Devil to tempt mankind. We cannot trust people to make decisions for themselves. The only answer is prohibition. Ban alcohol completely.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, political speeches always take place at sunset to a background of patriotic power ballads.

2021-07-02 22:00

Use Your Words

Shortly after your Finance Minister delivered a rousing speech to shore up support for your latest budget, it was discovered that the majority of the speech was plagiarized from a popular Brancalandian economist.

  1. “Schools have expelled students for plagiarism; the same rules should apply to the highest offices of the land,” notes Random Chaosian Language Professor Kellyanne McDuck, looking over a transcript of your latest speech. “Plagiarism is essentially theft, and we ought to take a tougher stance. The Minister should be sacked! Besides, it hardly looks good on you when supposedly expert cabinet ministers are caught stealing content from a second-rate Brancalandian economist.” She finishes reading your speech. “Hmm, this speech seems awfully familiar to the one that leader made in that alien invasion movie.”
  2. “So what if my speech was similar to what some hack economist wrote?” questions your Finance Minister, who hasn’t been seen since the speech. “People enjoyed the speech, and support for the budget had gone up! Of course those polls were taken before this so-called scandal, but that’s beside the point! People are making way too big a deal of this when there are way more important things for them to be worried about like, um, so how about them...” He trails off. “Let’s just ride this out and people will forget about it. At least until the next scandal.”
  3. “And what kind of message does that send to children?” scolds your personal assistant while tsking the Finance Minister. “It seems to me that the problem is the lack of competent speechwriters. Why not invest in the administrative budget so we can hire some quality people? It may cost an extra chip or two, but it’s better than being embarrassed by discount writers who think that Twilight is the height of literary genius.”
  4. “You could at least acknowledge me if you’re going to use my work,” sighs Pax Sparkle, the Brancalandian economist, after wandering away from a tour group. “Or better yet, you could pay me to use my work. Us economists aren’t exactly rolling in the dough, you know!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lip-readers are often left perplexed by political rallies.

2021-07-02 16:30

Brown Breeches Thanks to Speeches

While attending a conference, you found yourself struggling to understand one of your ministers as he stuttered through his speech on the importance of public speaking for politicians. You later encountered him in a dark and slightly smelly side-corridor of the government halls, where he quietly informed you that he has glossophobia - a fear of giving speeches.

  1. “The correct response is obvious,” tuts Alexandra Sato, a highly renowned speech therapist. “All members of the government - yes, even you, Leader - should be forced to take classes on public speaking to improve their speech skills and help them confront their fears. I’m certain the taxpayers will appreciate the classes if it ensures that their favourite politicians can finally speak with confidence about all the important things in life, like the appallingly low wages of speech therapists!”
  2. “Now, there isn’t any need for wasting the government’s time like that,” boasts the eccentric CEO of SlangoTech, Duncan Atwood. “Our company has been working hard to build a new piece of technology that can alleviate all of your problems. In simple terms, it is a highly-advanced device that reads out speeches for the speaker, in their voice! All they need to do is stand there and make some nondescript mouth movements, and they’ll be absolutely fine. Now, about our payment plans...”
  3. “Get this rabble out of the government!” exclaims resident office haranguer, Kate Gilbreth. “If someone cannot make a big, grand speech about their plans, then they absolutely cannot decide what is best for this nation. Show ‘em the door, and slam it as soon as they’re out - we won’t even be able to hear the buggers stammer their complaints.”
  4. “I-if I could get a word in here,” meekly whispers your glossophobic minister, visibly shaken by the prior outburst. “I d-don’t think that it’s a problem, at all. If anything, th-the quiet ones always come up with the best ideas, and maybe w-w-we can just hire someone else to say what we think. At least, I th-think so, I don’t know...” He then slithers down in his chair, disappearing from view.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the new cheese tax is colloquially known as "wheel welfare".

2021-07-02 10:00

Uncultured Singles in Your Area

Qraft of Random Chaos, the largest dairy corporation in the nation, is facing grating criticism in the form of letters and protests involving blue cheese stink bombs. The denunciation of the company comes from independent rural cheesemakers angered over the production of individually wrapped slices of processed cheese, or singles. Cheese traditionalists, dairy dons, and queso collectivists have intruded on your peaceful lunch at the Random Chaos City Deli to make their voices heard over the sounds of the mechanical slicing of cheese.

  1. “Zese vile Random Chaosian corporations are appropriating ze label of cheese, as if le plastique is authentique!” laments the passionate and flamboyant Vincent Fromage, Brancaland’s famous cheese connoisseur, as he smears moose brie on a slice of toasted bread. “Zese bland mockeries of real cheese are a disgrace to this nation’s cheesemaking heritage. Ze corporations should be restricted from calling zese glorified napkins ‘cheese’ and save that label for propeur products like Brancaland’s wondeurful blocks and roulettes, or Smalltopian Muenster, or...” He stops to clean breadcrumbs off his flashy suit.
  2. “That’s not enough to stop FAKE CHEESE! My comrade is merely a petty bourgeois puppet for the Random Chaosian Chiefs of Cheddar,” exclaims Karl Engels Bryndza, a notorious Brancalandian social and economic reformer and part time milk-sourer, as he consumes a grilled Random Chaos City Jack sandwich. “REAL cheese traditionalists are tired of the oppression systematically imposed by dairy corporations. I say it’s time for us, the real cheesemakers, to take control! Seizing the means of production if you will. We will strip away the tyranny of those corrupt corporations like Qraft!”
  3. A large figure emerges from the shadows of the deli’s backroom. “Alas, only when it comes to cheese do these Marxists seem to care about our culture,” sighs the immense silhouette of Qraft’s CEO, known only as The Big Cheese. “These uneducated peasants always threaten to regulate industry, or even seize control of the nation’s companies. My company has every right to call our processed singles ‘cheese,’ even if they happen to be wobbly slices of soured milk, orange coloring, and emulsifiers. You don’t expect citizens to buy ‘individually-wrapped cheese product’ or ‘pre-sliced cheese substitute,’ do you?”
  4. “What a bunch of radical lunatics!” remarks Wojciech Rivera, mayor of a dairy village in the Random Chaosian countryside. “Biggie Cheese over here and that Karl Angle character are using a topic as trivial as the production of cheese to increase their power and influence. However, Mister Cheese was right about leaving the processed cheese industry alone.” He eats a cube of smelly gambler cheese with a toothpick. “Many of these bumpkins, I mean craftsmen, live in poverty. Giving them a little assistance would satisfy the blessed cheesemakers, and ensure that they stick to making authentic Random Chaosian cheese rather than intervene with the productivity of our processed cheese single factories.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, soylent products are an expensive commodity due to a lack of volunteers.

2021-07-02 04:00

Cannibals Demand to Taste What Random Chaos Has to Offer

A coalition of tribalists, health experts, and civil rights proponents have recently suggested legalizing cannibalism for consumers of willing would-be meals.

  1. “I see absolutely no problem with people digging into each other at dinnertime, so long as everyone is willing,” quips Waylon Tolkien, the editor of the monthly magazine To Serve Man. “Not only does it solve hunger problems and create jobs, but it also adds variety to Random Chaos’s sometimes dull palate.”
  2. Civil rights leader Chongba Chicago, who came out publicly for moderate pro-cannibalism legislation, comments: “While it may strike some as a crude, even evil practice, our ancestors have practiced cannibalism for years. If we create a government organization to strictly regulate and grade all human meat prior to its arrival on the market, we can ensure that respect for diversity is maintained while health concerns are also allayed. And instead of killing average people, why not make being turned into snack foods a post-mortem option? Like donating your body to science!”
  3. “You’re all absolutely out of your minds!” exclaims Holly Janssen, head of Random Chaos’s largest health-food manufacturer. “It’s immoral, it’s unhealthy, and it’s disgusting. Not only are these so-called ‘dietary rights’ activists leading us down a dark path of sin, but right into a marketplace with yet another product that’s almost as bad as beef!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, distrust of taps has many people bathing only with bottled mineral water.

2021-07-01 22:00

Bottled Up Problems

Panic has spread across Random Chaos after a study found some bottled water manufactured in Random Chaos to be contaminated by E. coli. Consumers’ rights groups have called on you to address this problem, so you’re attending a tour of Random Chaos’s largest bottling plant with some interested parties.

  1. “Bottled water is a scam!” yells consumer rights advocate Michelangelo Duras, while getting glared at by various employees. “Did you know, tap water is tested way more often than bottled? Or that some greedy corporations take tap water and mark it up more than ten thousand percent? We need to make the public aware of this! All that is necessary is to advertise tap water, and cut subsidies to the soda industry. It is better for you, me, the environment, and everyone else!”
  2. “These claims are just ridiculous!” exclaims Sofia Liu, CEO of Glowing Brook Spring Water & Industrial Waste Disposal, while hesitantly taking a small sip of her product. “Our water has been tested by the best inspectors money can buy, and it’s been certified as organic. If anything the government should be promoting bottled water; perhaps with a public health campaign encouraging people to drink eight bottles a day to stave off dehydration.”
  3. “There’s a sensible solution to all this,” states health inspector Avery Serling, opening a bottle of water while wearing goggles and a respirator. “Hire more health inspectors! We can take some money from some less vital government programs, like welfare and the military, and then send in government inspectors to do daily testing on the water sources and filtration systems. Also, would it kill you to raise our salaries a bit? Because E. coli in your next meal might.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, millions of simultaneously backfiring toilets have flooded Random Chaos City with effluent.

2021-07-01 16:30

Looking Down in the Dumps

A squad of elite police officers have come back up from the Random Chaos City sewers with both a captured crime lord and news of an enormous ‘fat berg’, a huge mass of items put down Random Chaosian drains held together by cooking oils, blocking up substantial parts of the city’s sanitation. Whoever scheduled you to go down there to inspect it is definitely going to be fired.

  1. “This place is disgusting,” moans Minister of Underground Infrastructure Donatello Nguyen, covering his nose delicately with a handkerchief. “I’m not just talking about the smell either! This ancient brick-and-stone construction was clearly meant for a city at most half the size of Random Chaos City today! No wonder this fat berg became a problem. We must overhaul this city’s sewers and pipes at once to accommodate the growing population.”
  2. As you march on, you reach the viscerally-revolting object of interest. Between retches and gags, one of your aides offers a proposal: “Bleugh... I hope that thing is... mmmmmff... gone as soon as possible! Why haven’t these workers cleared it yet? We just need to make that monstrosi... guuuh... Make it go away! guuuuurghuuurrrgg... I don’t know! Burn it, explode it, I don’t care! Can we please just go?”
  3. One of the shovelling sanitation workers stops, rolls up his sleeve and plunges a hand elbow-deep into the mass, pulling out a small glittering item. “Oh cool, a diamond ring! Hey, let’s not be too hasty here. There are a lot of potentially valuable things in here like toys, cadavers, recyclable materials and fertiliser all begging to be recovered. The leftover fat we could sell as biofuel. With a little government help sewer-mining could be the next big cottage industry.”
  4. “And why, in all of the living world, are there all of those things down here?” fumes Jyn Trevelyan, your staff’s resident moralist. “Clearly this city must be full of idiots. Mandate strict rules about what can and cannot be put down the drain, with regular inspections of household pipes for any signs of offending items like cooking oils, fats, wet wipes, condoms or anything else that isn’t... well, you know.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, astronomers are flocking to Random Chaos to take advantage of its clear night skies.

2021-07-01 10:00

Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me

In an effort to address a budget shortfall, your Minister for Creative Solutions has proposed to cut expenditure by switching off a number of street lights throughout Random Chaos.

  1. Victoria deJong, your Minister for Creative Solutions explains their position. “Let’s face facts, in the current economic climate we need to be sensible with our chips. Those street lights don’t run on thin air you know - and what with the cost of electricity soaring, what other choice do we have? We’re not talking about a total blackout across Random Chaos, just switching off the lighting along some of those less important roads and well... perhaps the ones that don’t contribute so much to society.”
  2. A woman in yoga pants pauses stretching to remark: “Excuse me, do you see what I’ve got going on here? I can’t be walking this down unlit streets at night. I can barely do it in the daytime. Keeping the lights on at all times will make Random Chaos feel safe and welcoming for everyone, not just the heavily armed.” She adjusts her gym bag, which clanks.
  3. Wild-eyed, eccentric gentleman Paddy Moore begs your attention whilst enthusiastically polishing his monocle. “This is fantastic news, but doesn’t go far enough - let’s get rid of ALL those blasted monstrosities for good! Do you realise how difficult it is to spot the rotation of Alderaan’s second moon through all that ghastly light pollution? Of course there will be a few wimps who are scared of the dark - but that’s what candles were invented for!”
  4. “You’re looking at this entirely the wrong way, dear Leader,” interjects Cho Lannister from Helios I Energy Corp. “If there’s anything Random Chaos needs, it’s more light, not less! It’s been scientifically proven that more light means a happier, healthier population, reduces crime, and there’s no need to worry about the night shift any more - you can work from dawn until, well, forever!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens no longer take selfies with their dead relatives at funerals.

2021-07-01 04:00

Silence Is Golden

During your trip to see the premiere of your sister’s documentary on the Maxtopian Civil War, your viewing of the film was interrupted by glowing phone screens and obnoxious calls. As it turns out, other citizens often cite this as their biggest pet peeve.

  1. “Cinema is an art that requires the viewers’ silence,” begins pretentious movie critic Emily Kirk as she uses her fingers to frame the composition of you at your desk. “If so much as one selfish person draws forth one of those devilish glowing rectangles, the audience as a whole breaks its suspension of disbelief! And, well, it’s rude. I say we ban these devices in movie theaters. Kick the violators out for a start, and maybe fine them for a civil disturbance to get the message across.”
  2. “Why stop at movie theaters?” asks local snob Kalden Rodriguez, well known for hosting extravagant parties. “There’s other places where cell phone usage is annoying or rude. In the courthouse, at school, during speeches, or when I’m trying to host a fancy dinner. In fact, Random Chaos ought to have a lesson in good manners. Force all citizens to undergo mandatory etiquette training and teach respectable cell phone usage in schools. Perhaps then we won’t rank just below those boorish Tasmanians in World Travel Magazine.”
  3. “What is with all of you?” questions local teenager and film buff Otohime Zukerburg. “Screens can’t possibly be that disruptive. You do know you can adjust the screen brightness on phones, right? Just, like, let people do what they want in the theater. In fact, maybe you should invest in infrastructure so we have better reception all over Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, black market eau de toilette is made in bathroom labs across the nation.

2021-06-30 22:00

Scents and Sensibility

More and more people have been developing allergies — some severe — to especially potent scents. Allergy specialists and sufferers alike are asking you to stick your nose into this business.

  1. “Everyone knows that we cannot bear these malodorous assaults on our senses!” protests nasally-sensitive allergy specialist Rosemary Thyme between sneezes. “I am persistently surrounded by people who drown themselves in Eternity Is a Long Time or Channel Number 5: A Newswoman’s Perfume. Who knows what these allergic reactions are costing the economy due to lost productivity? Ban the sale of these products!”
  2. “While Rosie has the right idea, an outright ban is only one part of the equation,” gasps Lavender O’Dor, choking due to your fragrant aroma. “You need enforcement officers to make sure people are in full compliance with any perfume ban, which should also include body lotions, deodorants, the lot! My sanity depends on this!”
  3. “You want to tell me what I can and cannot wear when it comes to my personal grooming?” snorts neighbourhood narcissist Imma Mirorslav. “That idea stinks. Darling, listen, I have certain standards to uphold, and my collection of 250 perfumes are a vital part of who I am! If these nosy persons cannot stand being around my exquisite self, perhaps they should all hold their noses instead.”
  4. “While I empathise completely with the plight of these people, there surely has to be a sensible solution to this,” coos fragrance magnate Calvin Colon, who nonchalantly slips a few samples of his latest scents into your pocket. “I smell an opportunity here for fairness: just legislate that every workplace should have sections for those who want to adorn their beautiful bodies with my creations, and for those who prefer… natural scents.” He wrinkles his nose disdainfully.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ice-filled coffins are ominously positioned in the corner of every hospital ward.

2021-06-30 16:30

A Bone to Pick

Acclaimed yet controversial thespian Eduardo Shewhart elicited shock (and not coincidentally, more than a little publicity) after performing Hamlet with the severed head of his recently deceased uncle taking the role of ‘Yorick’ in lieu of the usual fake skull. A debate has begun over proper respect for human remains, and whether the general public should be allowed to own them.

  1. “DAH-ling, when I play the Oedipal Prince I want your rapt attention!” explains the pretentious actor, shaking his uncle’s left femur at you for emphasis. “Did not the jester’s head held aloft in my hand both capture and captivate your gaze? Was I not momentarily a solitary tableau vivant to behold and admire? A replica would have lacked authenticity, and the Art demands authenticity! Owning human bones should be perfectly legal for all, as should gathering any unclaimed remains. My wondrous panoply of accoutrements is not complete without these fragments of mortality!”
  2. “I agree that owning cadavers should be legal, but it should be restricted solely to members of the medical and scientific community with stringent regulations to establish proper consent and to safeguard the proper use of the remains,” recommends Prathik Beethoven, a medical student and keen anatomist. “Human specimens are needed by archaeologists, doctors, transplant surgeons, researchers and the like. Letting a liver rot underground is just a waste.”
  3. “What you people are failing to see is the enormous market gap!” giddily giggles entrepreneur Willow Grieg, gesturing and gesticulating at a nearby graveyard. “There’s a fortune of chips here in buried treasure! Let people pre-sell their future remains to forward-thinking companies, or let relatives do the same with the recently deceased, and we can turn cold stiff bodies into cold hard cash! Everybody with any body wins! The bereaved can dry their tears with banknotes, while we make accessories from real human ivory, and handbags from the finest human leather! Hmm... Leader, has anyone ever told you what lovely skin you have?”
  4. “HERESY!” screams Really Revered Reverend Coraline Murdoch, who claims to be an ordained cleric of a religion you’ve never heard of. “Have all of you lost your minds? Do you understand what you are saying? When people die, they must be respectfully buried whole, otherwise in the afterlife they will be fragmented! Would you like to spend all eternity as a pile of loose body parts? I’m sure I wouldn’t! Do you want the restless shades of the dismembered haunting you? I’m sure I don’t! The dead must be allowed rest in peace, not pieces!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, taxi drivers seem less xenophobic these days.

2021-06-30 10:00

The Fast and the Fossilized

In the past few months, there have been a series of high-profile car accidents involving elderly citizens.

  1. “I’ve had it with the elderly!” roars angry motorist Tendi Pasteur, whose car recently lost a wing mirror to a near-blind senior. “It’s high time the government did something about this! Make all the elderly citizens retake their driving tests every five years from age sixty, so that granddad doesn’t go killing someone his old eyes can’t even see!”
  2. “Now you listen here, dearie,” interjects your aged grandmother, who has complained her way past your receptionists and guards. “I didn’t work my stockings off when I was younger just so I could have my rights taken away! Your grandfather fought in a war back in... in... or maybe he didn’t, I can’t remember. Anyway, you’ve got to show some respect for my generation! Do it for Granny, won’t you?”
  3. “Oi, let me talk!” yells Dan Jerrus, a youth who recently drove his hatchback into the back of a sharply-braking nonagenarian’s camper van. “These old crones shouldn’t be allowed on the road, full stop. Just look what they did to my car! You should ban anyone over the age of fifty from driving. Leave the roads to responsible younger people.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sleep-deprived officials are known to collapse after late night revision for their examinations.

2021-06-30 04:00

Inexpert Opinions

Scandalously, a recent TV interview revealed that your Minister for Public Health doesn’t know much about being healthy. He didn’t know the difference between a bacterium and a virus, and thought that Ebola was the name of a Bigtopian princess.

  1. Director of Communications Malcolm Capaldi has had a very busy day shouting at his inferiors, but makes some time to shout at you. “Right, that is it! I’ve had enough of politicians with no experience or knowledge of their department’s aegis. It’s about as useful as asking a brain surgeon to climb a tree! What’s next? An Environmental Advisor who doesn’t believe in climate change? I say we need properly qualified professionals leading their departments. A doctor caring for the health service, a teacher in charge of education, and so on. In fact, there should be a mandatory examination paper that you have to pass to hold a government position. No more idiot politicians, please!”
  2. Much to everyone’s surprise, Yasuyuki Gates, the shamed Public Health Minister, squeezes in through your window, having climbed a tree to your floor. “Whew... I think I’ve evaded those journalists! I agree that we must ensure this doesn’t happen again. We ministers should be better supported in our appointments; we can only be as good as our briefings! A proper team of aides and analysts for all officials will ensure we don’t get caught out again, even if it increases administrative costs. Oh, by the way, in case anyone asks you, it turns out Ebola is a type of disease!”
  3. Your mother walks in with a tray of freshly baked cookies for everyone. “I don’t know about all these big ideas; the problem is quite simple. Only you know how you want to run this country. It’s all well and good having friends to help but I’m not sure they actually do anything. Surely you can do it all yourself, little darling; you shouldn’t let anyone question your decisions or your absolute rule. Any spare politicians that won’t bow out gracefully you should get rid of. Just give them a poisoned cookie or something.” She smiles innocently as your Public Health Minister desperately spits out a mouthful of crumbs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, soldiers stream their classified military operations live for millions of fans.

2021-06-29 22:00

Glory Kill

The Hatrackia gave cheer last night after infamous terrorist leader Yasmin O was assassinated in a surprise raid by the elite Gambler Team 5. However, jubilation quickly turned to controversy when one of the soldiers claimed personal responsibility for the assassination, forgoing the unit’s traditional “code of silence”.

  1. “What can I say? It’s just the doggone plain truth!” bellows Sergeant Cortana Ungar, the offending soldier in question, as she props her boots on your desk. “You can see it all on the body cam footage, so it’s not like anyone can say I’m lyin’. Already got some United Federation suits looking to make a movie, some dork wants to write my biography, the VIP party invites are rolling in — I earned all of this. Y’all can’t take that away cause some limp-wrists say it’s ‘disrespectful’ or ‘attention hogging’. Besides, it’s good for Random Chaos too! Once my story becomes a blockbuster, nobody’s going to question our military might. So how about you just give me a medal for a job well done?”
  2. “Etiquette exists for a reason, Leader,” retorts General Inder Cockburn as he readjusts your lapel pin. “Even though Sergeant Ungar took the final shot, that mission was a team effort. When you start snubbing that core belief, you end up making soldiers of fortune, not members of the Random Chaosian armed forces. Oh sure, it’s all fun and parties today. But then they start disobeying orders, thinking they know best. Then they start going rogue. Next thing you know, Blackacre slips some chips under the table, and our whole army is goose-stepping down Random Chaos City to a different tune! We should discharge Ungar for unmilitary-like conduct and stand firm behind our behavior policies.”
  3. “Ah, nuts to that, General Buzzkill!” proclaims Michonne Kaine, another Gambler Team 5 operative whose tinted glasses and long hair certainly violate some dress code. “Ungar has it right! Your problem is trying to make the army all secretive and mysterious. It’s just another job, dude! No one tells my old man how to sell stuffed animals at the mall. He just, like, does it. We need to be more like that. Dump all of these creepy creeds and regulations! Let troops say what we want to say, to whoever we want. Everything will work itself out.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, college-level writing classes are taught by undergraduate editors of the school newspaper.

2021-06-29 16:00

Piled Higher and Deeper

As of late, you’ve noticed a higher concentration of scruffy-looking protesters than usual picketing outside your office. After asking around for the reason, your Education Minister finally informs you that the nation’s PhD students have been on strike for the past six months.

  1. “Finally feeling the pain of ‘The Great Graduate Student Strike’?” gloats PhD candidate Florin deVries, helping himself to a drink from your liquor cabinet. “We’re dedicating our lives to improving science and the arts, all for the greater good of Random Chaos. And what do we get in return? Long hours and stress counseling while we’re all probably heavily in debt! Universities can’t go on without graduate students, so throw us a line for once! Divert education funding towards the salaries of all graduate TAs and researchers while eliminating our financial burdens! Without this deal, rest assured it’s back to the picket line for us!”
  2. “I don’t see what the problem is,” notes Random Chaosian CEO Ksenya Latham, perusing your liquor cabinet for the most expensive selection. “Don’t listen to that pretty homely dork. The free market always sorts these things out: wherever there’s a true industrial need, researchers’ salaries will become competitive. And quite personally, I don’t see any need around here. I suggest you take a page from the entrepreneurs of yore and fire every graduate picketer currently employed at state-funded schools. They can go back to being professional hamburger dispensers while our long-suffering universities finally have the opportunity to hire new students actually grateful for the chance at a job.”
  3. “What if universities could have their future scientists and professors without having to pay anything?” suggests your former math teacher, handing you a few bottles of saké to replenish your liquor cabinet. “Back home in Dàguó, we have a lot of prospective students who would love better-paying jobs. Put a halt to all government funding of graduate education while simultaneously opening up the country to foreign students. We could even pay them a stipend of a few thousand chips just for coming here. If anything, I think potential immigrants will consider this a perfectly heuristic decision for themselves.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parties on cruise ships go off with a real bang.

2021-06-29 10:00

What Do We Do With a Drunken Sailor?

The Random Chaosian navy has always allowed shore leave when docked at ports in the tiny allied nation of Prudenlund. However, after a brawl involving two hundred rowdy Random Chaosian sailors in Prudenlund’s quiet city streets made international news, the admiralty has begun exploring ways to repair its image.

  1. “This... this is disgraceful!” states red-faced Rear Admiral Negan. “These sailors are acting like common hooligans! I say we round them up, court martial the ringleaders and forbid all shore leave for the foreseeable future. Our reputation is at stake here.”
  2. “It’s not shore leave that’s the problem here, it’s the devil’s nectar!” notes dour-faced Warrant Officer Tin. “Let our sailors have their shore leave, but forbid them from drinking. We’ll just breathalyze them on their way back to the ship. As for any that fail... well, we can always break the old cat o’ nine tails out of the naval history museum.”
  3. “A drop of Chicago’s Blood never done us any harm!” chants Bosun’s Mate Janeway, swaying slightly from side to side. “Getting hamm... er, drinking on shore leave is a sailor’s right from time immemorial! Those stuck up Prudenlundians wouldn’t know a good time if it smacked them round the head with a bottle! If they’re so opposed to our lot enjoying themselves - then our ships should just avoid their ports and maybe we should stop trading with them too. That’ll learn’em!”
  4. “Now... now wait here just a minute...” slurs a queasy cadet who appears to have gatecrashed the meeting. “I’ve been talking to my mates, right... and we don’t wanna be in the navy any more. We might have to kill people and that’s kind of a downer... but on the bright side, we throw the best parties! Say, that’s a thought - let’s get rid of the whole navy nonsense and open up our warships for party cruises!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, healthcare workers are flummoxed over the spike in foreign tourists with sudden-onset heart disease.

2021-06-29 04:00

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Incredibly Sick!

Healthcare in Random Chaos is widely acknowledged as among the best in the world. Hospitals have seen a steady influx of patients from abroad. However, with so much medical tourism, there are claims that this is making it difficult for native Random Chaosians to access their own healthcare system.

  1. “This is outrageous!” screams Pietro Stallone, who is camped outside Random Chaos City Public Hospital under a makeshift tent. “I came in for a routine checkup over a week ago, and no one has seen me yet. There are too many foreigners taking up our doctors’ valuable time! We have to ban access to healthcare services for all non-citizens. It’s not our fault their healthcare systems aren’t as good as ours. Realistically, this is the only way to guarantee the Random Chaosian people are getting the healthcare we deserve.”
  2. “Whoa there!” interrupts Dr. Whoopi Brooks, the nation’s leading posterior surgeon. “We have definitely been swamped with foreign patients, but turning them down altogether seems a bit harsh. How about we only accept non-citizens as patients if they have contracted a life-threatening illness or injury while traveling through Random Chaos? That way, we won’t turn away the needy in our own country, but we also won’t be besieged with patients from other nations.”
  3. “Now hold on!” shouts your Secretary of Health as she stumbles in with excitement. “This presents a great opportunity! There’s no question that our healthcare resources are some of the best in the world. Why shouldn’t we use this as leverage to cash in on foreign desperation? We could make a lot of chips by charging steep fees to non-citizens! This way, only those willing to pay can get in, and the extra money will ensure that our hospitals are well-equipped for the influx. It’s a win-win solution! Well, except for the poor foreigners, but you can’t save them all.”
  4. “Where is your compassion?” chides foreign celebrity Colleen Haskell, who has had extensive cosmetic surgery performed at Random Chaosian hospitals. “You can’t simply shun your foreign patients! Some of these people don’t even have basic medical care in their home countries. You have to grow a heart and understand that people only come to you because you’re the best. I say that you should welcome all visitors to your hospitals, regardless of national status, and treat them as your own. If you have to send more tax funds to healthcare to accomplish this, it’s only right that you do so!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, suit-clad businessmen have been taking advantage of the relaxed welfare qualifications by shopping with food stamps.

2021-06-28 22:00

Welfare Programs Not Faring Well

A recent lull in legislation has sparked the fires of some bored politicians. After reviewing the back-log of constituent complaints, they’ve come to your desk demanding welfare reform.

  1. “The process ought to be made easier,” says Inga Matthews, picking the grime out of her dirty fingernails. “It’s so difficult convincing welfare administrators that I am actually a poor, helpless vagrant on the brink of homelessness! When you finally do, you get tangled up in all the red tape, and you’re lucky to see a dime. The government should just trust my word and fork over the chips I need to survive.”
  2. “The current system is not very efficient, I’ll admit,” says Harley Alvarez, a local welfare administrator and esteemed bureaucrat. “But we can’t trust these bums to manage their welfare aid. How are we supposed to help them help themselves if they waste their benefits on things like trashy clothes and cheap alcohol? We need more authority over how the aid is spent, it’s the only way we can be assured that it is used responsibly.”
  3. “Get the free-loaders off the government teat!” shouts conservative activist, Lysander Freeman. “The free-market system says that those who work hard will succeed. If these so-called ‘needy people’ would roll their sleeves up, lift a finger, and earn an honest living, we wouldn’t be bankrupting our country helping them! The only sensible solution is to abolish all welfare programs, and let the natural, capitalist process take place.”
  4. “He has a point,” says popular political pundit Sandra McGhee. “There are a lot of people in the system, and some of them don’t really need to be there. The government should be finding these people jobs, so that our welfare system can survive and meet the needs of the truly impoverished. Of course, we’re going to have to spend a few chips to achieve this goal. But, what’s a little tax hike if it means saving our dying welfare programs and the people who depend on them?”
  5. “Capitalism is the very reason why we need welfare in the first place. Laissez-faire policies would only make the problem worse,” argues political activist Ami Springsteen. “If the government took control of all businesses, it could ensure that all employees are paid the amount they need to live - no more, no less - then the problem of providing for the poor would disappear.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many whiskies taste suspiciously like automobile radiators.

2021-06-28 16:30

A Whiskey Rebellion Brewing

After several dozen citizens were hospitalized due to drinking from a contaminated batch of moonshine, the people have been at loggerheads over who should have the right to manufacture and distribute spirituous beverages in Random Chaos.

  1. “Let’s be realistic here,” says Apu Green, President of the Manufacturing Alliance of Liquor Traders. “These home operations simply do not have the training, the experience, the equipment, or the political connections to be permitted to make their own whiskey! It’s all well and good that they talk about freedom, but the members of my association paid good money for their manufacturing licenses, and we maintain the highest standards of quality and purity. The government needs to protect us! People must not be allowed to make their own booze at home.”
  2. “This isn’t just some kind of bathtub gin we’re talking about,” says devoted distiller Emma Mullins, while reviewing the print roll from her storage cellar’s hygrothermograph. “These are artisanal, maker-made, environmentally responsible, non-GMO, craft products that are far better than anything put out by those big-name distilleries! You can taste the difference! If some unscrupulous individual lets heavy metals leech in, or adds something unsafe, that’s not the fault of we connoisseurs! The government needs to back off, and give us all the liberty to make what we want in the privacy of our own homes!”
  3. “The bracing effect of a strong drink is absolutely top-notch for getting through the day!” opines Ebrius Foppington, a bearded gentleman wearing a top hat and monocle. “Why, I myself have several such drinks each morning, noon, and night! It helps keep the humors in balance, and makes socializing quite rather more tolerable. Really, we ought to require that everybody over the age of ten make their own suds, and partake regularly to ensure they don’t become phlegmatic. Bottoms up!”
  4. “Home distilling and compulsory drinking?” shrieks Citizens Against Drinking activist Kamehameha Tarkin, clutching his heart dramatically. “What kind of horrifying nightmare world are you trying to create? Did you know that, according to the Department of Made-Up Statistics, 47.2% of all crime is related to alcohol? Are you trying to increase that number? What Random Chaos needs is to remove alcohol not just from our homes, but from the whole nation! Enact prohibition - there can be no exceptions!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, women across the country are tying the knot.

2021-06-28 10:00

A Cup Runneth Over

Certain officials at the Social Welfare Department have posited that mothers from low-income families are deliberately having more children in order to get a larger welfare stipend.

  1. “These women and their larvae are draining our resources!” growls a Social Welfare bureaucrat. “They have more children than they can care for and they expect the government to pay them for it! Hogwash! I’ll tell you what, let these momma pigs collect their welfare money, but only after sterilization! The men too! That way, we won’t have any more mouths on the government’s teat!”
  2. “I can’t believe someone would accuse me of such; only heartless bigots believe these falsehoods!” cries Queenie Benteen, balancing an infant on her very round stomach while attempting to control her seven other children with her free hand. “I have children because I love them! How can the government leave kids to suffer? I certainly can’t work and raise all these children alone. I say we offer families an exponentially larger welfare check for each little meal ticket — I mean, precious munchkin!”
  3. “You know, the real problem isn’t these women,” grunts Loki Guilliman, pulling himself up by his crocodile hide bootstraps. “The real problem is that the government is wasting taxpayer money by ‘helping’ them at all. If poor mothers fall into financial trouble, whether due to unplanned pregnancy or simple stupidity, it really is their own fault. Let’s just get rid of welfare and let people learn to take care of themselves for once.”
  4. “Actually, the real problem is all these filthy poor people!” scoffs Roxanne Nakatomi, sporting a designer camouflage coat by Burpbarry. “Let’s just be rid of them altogether. How about issuing peasant hunting licenses to some of our more patrician citizens? It’ll be the greatest sporting event since gambler fighting!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, stoogery and pratfalls are about as scathingly clever as Random Chaosian humor gets.

2021-06-28 04:00

As You Don’t Like It

Duke Riker of Lower Random Chaos City-Upon-Tyne caused quite a stir this weekend after he had a traveling minstrel group chased out of town. While some fellow peers have accused him of being humorless, the Duke countered that the troupe was subverting his authority with their seditious acts.

  1. “That troupe’s impromptu performance was scandalous,” spits the irate Duke. “Caricaturing me as the villain in their little Scheherazade knock-off? The nerve of those performers! Do you think I let these thespian transients wander around my domain just to watch them humiliate our way of life? I’ve no obligation to provide charity to a bunch of disrespectful wretches. Leader, forbid these flimflam singsongs and outlaw this sort of vagrancy before some smart-alecky troupe comes knocking at your door. We’ll all be safer for it in the long-run.”
  2. “Have you no sense of perspective?” exclaims beaten and ragged minstrel Daenerys Zahm, haphazardly waving a flute around. “Satire is essential for introspection! Don’t be such a stuffed shirt. If you really want performers off the street, let us musicians be officially patronized by the government. Just assign a musical group to each noble family, and our melodious tunes will surely lighten the load on their noble shoulders.”
  3. “Isn’t that what you employ oddfellows like me for?” grumbles grizzled jester Krusty Gambler, covered profusely in tomato stains. “Me and my mates, your musicians, clowns, acrobats, dancing poodle performers, you name it - we’re smart enough not to bite the hand that feeds us. Construct a grand theatre for all to see and adore us, and we’ll sing your praises loud enough to drown out the voices of petty satire.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, businessmen walk out of meetings halfway because their shift is over.

2021-06-27 22:00

Time to Work?

After a tired nurse working a hundred-hour week accidentally gave a series of injections to the wrong patient, there have been calls from some for a maximum number of hours someone can work in a week.

  1. “A rigidly-enforced Working Time Directive should cap anyone from working more than 74 hours 22 minutes per week, with no more than 11.75 hours per shift,” definitively states analyst Socrates Suparman, presenting you with a stack of hand-written calculations. “This will benefit safety, health, and quality of life, while also creating more jobs within the economy.”
  2. “I wake, I work, I sleep,” sneers multi-millionaire entrepreneur Ashitaka Carey, attempting to pour himself a cup of coffee from a decorative vase on your desk. “No-one forced me to do this except myself. Turns out though, pushing yourself harder makes you successful. Don’t close the door on opportunity by interfering with people’s working lives. It’s bad for business, and bad for the economy.”
  3. “Let’s strike a reasonable middle ground!” proposes your hyperactive Employment Minister Eve Holt, striking a ‘middle ground pose’ that involves balancing on one leg while pointing rapidly in multiple directions. “We need a comprehensive review to identify professions where there is risk to the public from long hours, and then create tailored directives for each field of work, and then create allowances for longer weeks followed by time off, and limited opt out clauses for extenuating circumstances, and, and... that sounds fun! Let’s get started!” She skips off, giggling maniacally.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the public health bureaucracy is wrapped in miles of red tape.

2021-06-27 16:00

Fluoride Controversy a Toothy Problem

Recent reports revealing that the dental health of Random Chaos is far below the regional average have ignited a fierce debate over whether to introduce fluoride to the nation’s tap water reserves.

  1. “Fluoride has been shown time and time again to promote dental health,” argues Dr. Edwin Namel, Chairperson of ‘Friends of The Teeth’. “It’s not an experimental drug for heaven’s sake, it’s an accepted method of promoting national good health. A nationwide program for the fluoridation of drinking water should not be seen as optional - it’s a no-brainer for any sensible government. We need to implement this now, whether the public want it or not.”
  2. “I am strongly against this proposal!” rages Agnes Garcia, one of the more vociferous members of the Random Chaos Green Society. “When I turn on the water tap I expect to get just that. Water. Nothing else. We are not lab rats and it is not the government’s place to force us into taking these chemicals! In fact I reckon we should put the brakes on all these new chemicals doctors keep pumping into people and give us the right to say no!”
  3. “There’s no need to go to either extreme,” says Donatello McKinnon, your personal dentist. “It’s all about, um, choice. Here’s a nice alternative: why not just have clean non-fluoridated drinking water and give more funds to dentists? If we had enough money, we could make all dental care absolutely free! It will be demanding on the taxpayers I know, but they’ll surely be happy when they all have sparkling white teeth!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, doctors spend more time writing sick notes than caring for the sick.

2021-06-27 10:00

Unfit for Purpose

The Department of Welfare has been criticized for the way it assesses potential claimants of disability benefits. The department sends out agents from private companies to force claimants to perform what critics call “cruel and humiliating” assessments in order to prove they need the benefit.

  1. “This is disgusting and inhumane,” furiously shouts wheelchair-bound claimant Dawa Herrelko. “That person who came to assess me wasn’t even a licensed medical professional in my area of care. She was a former optician! Does it look like my eyes aren’t working? She made me roll up and down my hallway until my arms got tired, then told me I didn’t need the benefit because I could roll along the floor on my own without difficulty! End this now. A note from your doctor or other relevant professional should be enough evidence to claim disability benefit. It’s not as if they’d lie.”
  2. “The system works just fine,” claims your grey-suited and stoic Welfare Minister. “We have to carefully screen every claim, otherwise every scammer and skiver would try to con the government out of money for every cut and scrape they have. Make the assessments more stringent, and properly fund my department. That way, it’ll deter the con artists and only the truly disabled will receive assistance.”
  3. “I think a lack of empathy is the problem,” suggests a random passer-by who happened to overhear the meeting. “I’m not against the principle of assessing clinical needs, but we need to make it fairer on claimants. I heard one story of one of those agents asking a suicidal person how they would kill themselves if they were to do it. We should ensure that all assessors have the same disability as the claimant, which will ensure they are treated humanely and fairly, as well as making sure that the assessor has a good understanding of what the condition entails.”
  4. “This is all just a waste of time and money!” exclaims self-styled Social Darwinist and anti-government crusader Jenna Pasteur. “Think of the suffering taxpayers! Where are our benefits, hmm? We’re the real victims here, not these lazy slackers on disability! Abolish their welfare payments and let natural selection work things out.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Authoritarian.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens who don't follow a major religion are closely monitored for signs of self-harm.

2021-06-27 04:30

Aflame With Indignity

To protest your government’s antagonism towards his religious beliefs, High Priest Shigeru Ryan of the Tranquility of Yellow sat down on a busy street corner this morning, doused himself with fuel, and set himself on fire.

  1. “We have witnessed a martyrdom — but you are responsible for his death!” proclaims the jaundiced Brother Jack Amin, whose yellow robes give off the stench of sweat and desperation. “Our temples are being shut down. Our monasteries are looted and ransacked, while our people are beaten for speaking out against it. You must end this persecution of minority religions. We only want to practice our beliefs in peace.”
  2. “Dude! That dude just burned himself to death! He didn’t even move a muscle the whole time!” remarks witness Beth Garak, mouth still agape in shock. “If that’s the sort of thing that adherents of other religions do, maybe the government is right about not supporting their nonsense beliefs. We obviously need way more mental health support and suicide prevention funding to help these people.”
  3. “Let them burn, and we shall clap our hands!” exclaims Gelu Nhu, a fervent believer of a major religion. “If more Yellowists want to burn themselves, I’ll provide the matches. But it is clear that they will soon turn their rage outward. Suppressing their ‘religion’ was not enough; it has just incensed them! We must get the heathens before they get us. Now is the time to finally round up all of those who don’t believe the true faith and expel them from our great nation. It will be a new golden age for my... I mean, our religion!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hidden bedroom-cams are installed to catch mothers doing their kids' homework.

2021-06-26 22:30

A for Effort

A home-schooled student with perfect grades was kicked out of Random Chaos City University after failing the first semester.

  1. “This is not fair!” berates Heather Kelly, the student’s mom, her face turning the color of beetroot as she glares at you accusingly. “How can colleges kick out a student after they’ve enrolled? It’s as if they don’t believe the grades I gave him! My little cherub worked so hard in his high school years, and now it’s all for nothing. Leader, you must make it a law that colleges cannot boot out anyone after they’ve been accepted.”
  2. “Do you see these papers?” asks Zachary Rhee, the university’s admissions counsellor. “Copies of rejection letters sent to applicants who were declined a space because of this sub-par student! I think that we need to take some serious measures to make sure that home-schooled students have their grades checked and verified by the state.”
  3. “Why are college entrance criteria so elitist anyway?” enquires Danu Yates, an intern who has just completed a college paper on socialism. “Why not just make going to college mandatory for every Random Chaosian? College education should be free for all until the age of 24. Yes, it will require a boost in taxation to pay for it, but everyone will surely appreciate their government-funded master’s degree.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every day at 4am Random Chaosians wake to pray for the sun to rise.

2021-06-26 16:00

Total Eclipse of the Brain

Earlier today, a mysterious bearded stranger announced himself in the centre of Random Chaos City. He drew a crowd by telling of his ability to block out the sun, demanding that everyone hand over all their gold or face the consequences. A few moments later, the sun disappeared! Panicking, those gathered gave him their jewellery, watches and even the gold fillings from their teeth.

  1. “Behold my miracles,” states the stranger. “Just as I foretold, the sun was blocked out for a full three minutes and did not return until I commanded it to shine again. You should recognise a messiah when you see one! Install me as your Minister for Sun Protection, and give me a budget for sun worship rituals.”
  2. “He’s not a messiah; he’s a very naughty boy!” lectures peripatetic pedagogue Miss Perspicacia Tick. “For goodness sake, hasn’t anyone heard of a solar eclipse? Honestly, this nation has some of the dimmest people I’ve ever had the misfortune of trying to teach. You should put funding in place for every school to have telescopes and accredited science textbooks. And yes, I would love to run your new Science Academy.”
  3. “Minister for Sun Protection! Science academies! What utter nonsense!” declares sceptical police officer Don Nutt. “Con artists bug me more than murderers! Just let me take both these swindlers to the station, and I’m sure they’ll confess to everything after a damned good beating!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bar brawls are an hourly occurrence.

2021-06-26 10:00

Service With a Snarl

The most recent edition of the prestigious Virtual Planet guidebook has praised Random Chaos for its many treasures, but also noted how rude wait staff, hoteliers, and tour guides tend to be. Perhaps unwisely, you choose to hold a meeting on the topic in a popular restaurant.

  1. “So what if those @#$%!& in some snooty guidebook don’t think we’re nice?” complains your waiter, oblivious to the fact that he stepped on your toes. “I should be able to say and act however the @&*% I want, all the time. That’s freedom of speech, Violet damn it! Being a waiter or ‘public relations’ person doesn’t change that one bit. And if some jerkwad tourists don’t like it, well then they can go right back to where they came from!”
  2. “Hate to be like this, but that guidebook has a point,” reluctantly replies the restaurant’s owner after telling off the waiter. “I’ve seen people stand up and leave after being insulted or shouted at by my staff one too many times. It doesn’t matter how many times I replace them - the problem remains. The government should mandate and pay for proper etiquette training for all employees in the service industry, and allow us to fire those who don’t comply. That way the customers are happy and our places of business don’t get bad reviews.”
  3. “And kill off our nightlife tourism quicker than you can say @#%!” retaliates Sancho Barry, a local connoisseur of exotic drinks. “It’s not our bad attitude that’s the problem, it’s the tourists! If we marketed ourselves as a wild resort country where all the rules of politeness don’t apply, then we could get ourselves a clientele that won’t complain. You gotta loosen up those alcohol laws, I have a mate in West Calypso who’s got some crazy mixtures for us to try.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no one gossips with Leader during diplomatic summits.

2021-06-26 04:00

In the Bag

A Bigtopian diplomatic bag was accidentally searched by customs officers, contrary to diplomatic conventions. Before the search was stopped, the bag was found to contain cocaine brownies, snortable marijuana, gold leaf toilet paper rolls, and jars of whale oil. Even though the bags were promptly handed over to the Bigtopian embassy, questions have been raised about this discovery.

  1. “This is the most obvious case of smuggling I’ve ever seen!” says customs officer Gertie Sestero, oblivious to a man wearing a trenchcoat full of fake watches sneaking through the checkpoint behind her. “Those Bigtopians are abusing our trust by bringing in all manner of illegal items, and not paying duties on the legal ones. You need to punish the Bigtopians by expelling them immediately, even if it exposes us as breaking diplomatic conventions.”
  2. “Why do we allow diplomatic bags anyway?” asks one of your aides. “Just treat embassy luggage the same as any other luggage, subject to the exact same rules and examination as everybody else’s bags.”
  3. “While diplomatic bags aren’t meant to contain contraband, the greater fault is ours,” observes your Minister of Protocol. “To open a diplomatic bag — even accidentally — is a major breach of trust. Embassies being allowed to confidentially send documents and communications to their own governments is the basis of international diplomacy. Also, dare I say it, our own diplomatic bags carry sensitive information back to us from other nations which are critical to our intelligence community. Apologise to the Bigtopians, claim you didn’t look closely at the contents, and offer them a hefty payment in contrition for our impoliteness.”
  4. “The illegal products aren’t as important as the concealed intel,” agrees spymaster ‘N’, while searching your briefcase without permission. “Imagine the valuable intelligence we could find by covertly opening every country’s diplomatic bags. We could learn military secrets, along with the names of foreign spies within our country, then replicate their passports for espionage. We can blackmail couriers, walk them through hidden scanners, and employ tradecraft in other subtler ways to compromise the bags. It’s the right thing to do for our glorious Free Land.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only the brainiest citizens become academics.

2021-06-25 22:00

To Paint or Not to Paint?

An elite group of highly-qualified, well-respected scientists, lawyers, and doctors are campaigning to outlaw the study of the Arts and Humanities in the Universities of Random Chaos.

  1. “Why should Arts students get to lounge around reading books and watching daytime TV for hours on end, when some of our hard-working youngsters are dedicating themselves to the study of worthwhile and valuable subjects; studies which will benefit the nation as a whole?” asks Bahram Castro, a student engineer. “We should be grooming our young people to help, not sponge off the system. The Arts should be considered a hobby, not a career.”
  2. “You can’t mean that,” gasps Prof. Catherine Gratwick, renowned worldwide for her paintings of trains. “Learning should be done out of love, not duty. The study of the Arts has been a noble field for many centuries, and learning it is not as easy as you think. I’d rather die than live in a world where creativity is stifled. We should be encouraging young artists, writers, musicians - if only to strengthen Random Chaos’s cultural reputation.”
  3. “What’s the point in allowing most young people to continue in further education anyway?” enquires Felicity Hume, a factory manager. “Surely most students would be better employed in manual and factory work? You should handpick a select few to study medicine, the law, science, and business of course, and utilise the majority of youth to increase the country’s productivity in industry. Academic freedom just gets in the way of a functioning society, I’ve always said.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the optimally efficient parking strategy for business commuters is referred to as the "traveling salesman problem".

2021-06-25 16:00

Parking Hell

The new director of the Random Chaos City Department of Transportation has suggested that imposing dynamic parking prices might help ease the city centre’s nightmarish congestion. Because the national government owns large parts of the capital, the plan cannot proceed without your approval.

  1. Director Bawu Pushkin, who was formerly a professor of urban planning, pushes up his glasses. “Dynamic parking prices will mean that not only will drivers have to pay for parking, but that the prices will change throughout the day based on the location’s demand. For example, drivers will pay more to park during busy periods. This will encourage motorists to park in quieter areas and not hog the same spot for hours on end. Take notes, there will be a quiz next week— er, sorry, force of habit there.”
  2. “This isn’t a game of Maxopoly where the ‘free parking’ space gives a windfall of revenue!” complains the Minister of Labor, who’s just come from a marathon six-hour session of said game. “This plan will punish the working poor who can ill afford parking fees. If the city wants to deal with congestion, then it should start building more underground tunnels and parking garages with your help. Free parking is the right of every citizen, and you can’t start charging me — I mean, the miserably poor — for parking.”
  3. “This plan is too complicated,” says the laconic Minister of Gordian Knots, who arrived in an ox cart and is now snipping at the air with a pair of scissors. “But doing nothing is not an option. Let us ban cars from the city instead. Stops congestion. Keeps things simple.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the arms industry has been shut down in a surge of pacifism.

2021-06-25 10:00

Arms Industry Demands Respect

Representatives of Random Chaos’s arms manufacturing industry have expressed outrage over the lack of public and private support for their sector.

  1. Interviewed by the industry’s trade journal ‘Our Weapons, Your Victory’, the CEO of Random Chaos Arms Inc, Hillary Eko, said: “It is shameful the way we have been treated over the last few years! Shameful! Our workers, and I tell you we have a great many of them, can barely get to work thanks to disruption by protesters and all that hippie nonsense. And as for this dangerous talk of ‘Ethical Trade Practices’, I say we need full government recognition of our vital contribution to the economy - relaxation of trade barriers, gun laws, and a crackdown on all these long-haired weirdos who try to shut us down!”
  2. “We have a right to protest against this evil business!” screams Matthew Lovegood through a megaphone. “The arms manufacturing industry is a stain on our nation’s character and must be removed. How can we make money from the production of these evil weapons; how can we stand by and profit from the blood spilled by these abominations? The government must take a stand and outlaw the whole sector!”
  3. Your Minister of Trade advises taking a middle ground: “We can’t ban arms sales without harming the quality of our military and police departments, not to mention the economy. These hippies do have a point though - guns are terrible things in the wrong hands. We should implement additional safety checks on the groups to which the weapons get sold. That way we don’t lose too many sales, and the people are persuaded we are making a stand against nations who use the weapons for immoral ends. The arms industry get to sell their guns and the protesters get to protest. Everybody wins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, new safety regulations require all cars manufactured in Random Chaos to be bombproof.

2021-06-25 04:00

Wheels of Misfortune

In recent weeks, there has been growing concern over the quality of automobiles made in Random Chaos. Representatives from all sides have gathered in your office and are asking you to make a decision.

  1. “This is ridiculous!” cries Edmund Meier, chairperson of the Association of Scorned Shoppers, while frantically waving a stack of papers. “Some of these stories are just obscene! We’ve got water pumps seizing at 12,000 kilometers, airbags not deploying in accidents, and this one guy’s gas tank just fell off! I can’t make this stuff up! Our auto industry has gotten lazy and corrupt and is in desperate need of stronger regulation!”
  2. “I’ve never heard such nonsense!” scoffs Kathryn Stevens, an executive representing the largest automaker in Random Chaos. “Our cars are perfectly fine! These allegations are completely baseless. Thing is, these proposed regulations are going to make us uncompetitive. Is this what you want? Foreign cars clogging our streets while our factories close down? Get rid of some of the regulations we have now, so we can do our jobs! While you’re at it, a government subsidy would safeguard domestic auto manufacturing...”
  3. “What is this? Subsidies? Deregulation? Lies, all of it!” shouts prominent communist Ozy Burton, sporting a practical yet stylish red beret. “These companies, they’re always willing to sell their ethics for a quick chip! They always cut corners for a little extra profit, and look where it’s gotten us! You want to make good cars, cars the people can be proud of? Have the people take control of the offending car companies! If we remove the profit motive, Random Chaos can finally produce quality vehicles, without wasteful bourgeois stuff like chrome wheels, air conditioning, and reclining seats!”
  4. A wheelchair-bound man wearing a bicycle helmet on his head, plaster casts on his legs, and an irate expression on his face rolls himself into your office. “Hey, I got somethin’ to say,” he growls as he deliberately bumps into your desk. “You and your government have been playing nice with the car companies for far too long, and a lot of us cyclists are sick of it. I might have an axe to grind, but Random Chaos and our environment’ll be better off if you just banned cars entirely. Who cares if people complain? They’ll adjust.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, illegal book-trafficking rings dominate the black market.

2021-06-24 22:00

A Comedy of Errors

A controversial new ‘biography’ based on your personal life before your rise to power has proved to be quite popular all over Random Chaos. While many are calling it comedic drivel, some are taking it quite seriously.

  1. “Everything in that book must be true,” states Efthamia Suzuki, the nation’s leading distributor of tin foil hats. “Why else are you denying it so hard? Now we know about the covert and underhanded negotiations you held with Brancalandian gold-smugglers!” She frantically waves a copy of the book in your face. “Tell the truth, Leader! You can’t hide from it forever! Mandate that all politicians cannot tell a lie.”
  2. “Am I mistaken, or is the author of this book the legendary stand-up comic Jerry Carlin?” points out Jerry Carey, an amateur comedian with a knack for impersonating you. “There is no legitimate reason for concern over a couple of silly jokes. You need to find a sense of humor before one more bad pun lands a comedian in trouble. Comedy is a form of art, not a nuisance to the credibility of politicians and leaders. The government should not have a say on how we tell our jokes.”
  3. “What poppycock!” blasts Natalia Hopkins, your red-faced Press Secretary. “Gullible consumers, which we admittedly know is a large slice of the demographic pie, will eat that thing up and hang on every word!” She takes a breath to scoff and sputter unintelligibly at another passage from the book. “We can’t provide a stage for these liars at the expense of your reputation. We must approve everything written about the government before it hits the bookshelves.”
  4. “Or we could just write your official autobiography,” advises Usman Peña, your extremely persuasive Propaganda Minister. “It’ll be easy to distribute it to the masses. They wouldn’t doubt a single word. Only you should decide what you want the people to know about your life, not some hack comedian with an ax to grind.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation has recently been attributed to the funding of terrorist organisations.

2021-06-24 16:00

Build Bigger Bombs, Advise Scientists

Top military designers in your secret laboratories have proposed projects to create nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons and are looking to you for government support and funding.

  1. “This is a necessary step towards the creation of a safer Random Chaos,” claims Westley Berlusconi, the leading researcher. “Yes, it will mean large areas of land will become unusable as a result of the testing, and it will cost billions of chips, but that’s the price we must pay for our national security. Just think of the power we will have if we can turn our enemies into plate glass!”
  2. “Why stop with making weapons for ourselves?” asks Christopher Gutierrez, CEO of Wendy’s Weapons Stores. “We can sell them to all sorts of groups and organisations: other nations, the WA, terror- uh - freedom fighters, anyone! And we produce our own for our protection. Think of the money we can make! I’m sure none of our clients would ever even think of trying to use them to influence our government with threats or anything like that!”
  3. “You want to bring NUKES into Random Chaos?!” screams anti-nuclear protestor, Hope Negan. “This won’t make us safer - it will just give the power to destroy everything to a few people! We must hunt down the people who suggested this evil plan and have them hanged! We must protect nature from the horrible influences of science. I say ban all new weapons research!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is completely gun-free.

2021-06-24 10:00

Gunman Kills Three

Tragedy struck Random Chaos today, as a gunman killed three people in a suburban shooting rampage. The community is united in grief, but divided in opinion as to what should be done.

  1. The strongest voices demand tighter gun controls. “The only way to prevent further atrocities is to take the guns out of the hands of the murderers,” says anti-gun campaigner Miranda Cotchin. “There’s no justification for them in today’s society. We need tighter regulations on who can hold guns, so only our police and military have them.”
  2. “That’s not all we need,” says radical left-wing activist Tiberius Khachaturian. “The government should ban all guns outright—even in the police force. This is an opportunity to make Random Chaos a totally gun-free state.”
  3. “Ban this. Ban that. You cannot ban your way to an answer,” intones Spruce Tree, a local martial artist and founder of Ay Kik Yu. “Our citizenry and our children must learn to properly defend themselves in this sort of situation if it should arise again. A mindful populace is a safe populace.”
  4. “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people,” says Random Chaos Handgun Association head honcho Bongani Rikkard. “If you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Is that what we want? Think, people. The answer isn’t kung-fu and it definitely isn’t banning guns. What you need to do is encourage us law-abiding folk to always carry a gun. Shoot first, ask questions later. That’s what I always say.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fire stations and hospitals can't deploy emergency vehicles because badly parked cars block them in.

2021-06-24 04:00

Drive My Car

While parking your car for a short press conference to pander to families in Random Chaos City, you are besieged by citizens and cops fighting over parking tickets, of all things. All sides seem unusually passionate about the topic, and you are being increasingly surrounded by the angry crowd.

  1. “These deadbeats think that if they neglect to pay their tickets for a few months, we’ll just forget all about them,” rants Police Chief Gyurme Clarke while pushing aside some irritated motorists. “Well they’re wrong. The government needs more severe penalties to make an example of these criminals. After all, mis-parked cars obstruct the normal flow of traffic and annoy everybody. Hike up the fines, even take cars away from people that refuse to pay for their crimes. Then punks will know to respect my authori-tay!”
  2. “You know the real reason we have so many unpaid tickets? They are already too damn expensive!” fumes Mamiko Jobrani, one of the city’s poorest citizens. “How can someone who barely makes enough to eat possibly pay for a parking ticket? One ticket sets me back half a month and a rich guy only a minute. Tickets have to be proportional to people’s income. Then the punishment would actually fit the crime.”
  3. “How about we, the citizens of Random Chaos, finally get a break for once?” complains Severian Quimby while parking in a public fountain and splashing everyone nearby, yourself included. “It’s not fair to make my kids wait five minutes just to find an ‘acceptable’ place to park. Let’s just get rid of all of these silly tickets once and for all. After all, who’s to say where is or isn’t a logical place to park?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, construction workers evacuate work sites after finding sharp rocks on the ground.

2021-06-23 22:00

We Can’t Cross That Bridge When We Come to It

Several workers were killed and others injured in the recent collapse of a bridge being constructed across the Gambler River.

  1. “My client’s partner was killed in this incident and she’s demanding answers!” exclaims litigator Magnus Gutierrez, throwing a stack of folders on your desk. “Hundreds of petitioners, including many of my clients — ah, and the other victims’ families — will not be contented with the status quo. They need to know that their loved ones who go to work on these sites will most definitely come home at night. Instituting more safety guidelines might slow down the rate of construction work, but that just means more time to earn a living!”
  2. “Objection!” cries prominent attorney Sandra Negan, representing construction firm Bricks An’ Stuff. “These destructive laws would merely hinder businesses’ ability to perform their job: providing houses to our beautiful citizens, storefronts to our busy workers, and hotel skyscrapers to our guests!” She pats down her suit before handing you a trunk filled with legislation suggestions. “Offer subsidies to businesses that perform safety checks, and trust companies to carry them out. They know what’s best, after all.”
  3. “Aw, as if we need these damn rules an’ stuff!” mutters greying construction worker Alex Tin, running while holding power tools. “Real builders don’t need them to survive on the job. Back in my day, we worked our butts off like real men, and dealt with problems like these on our own! Get rid of those stupid laws, and let us show these sissies how it’s done.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a well-funded social safety net protects the unfortunate.

2021-06-23 16:00

Budget Time: Accountants Excited

It’s time for the government to allocate spending for the coming year, and as always, special interest groups are keen to have their say.

  1. “The state of the education system is, in many areas, simply frightful,” says Teachers Union leader Nuru Yoo. “And even where we are doing well, we could do better. I appeal to the authorities for a substantial boost in funding. Remember, the children are our future.”
  2. “We won’t have a future unless we improve police numbers and rebuild the military,” says General Tanya Fallon. “Oh, it’s all well and good to have your fancy education and your nice cars, until some tinpot dictatorship decides to invade. And don’t pretend like there aren’t any of them in our region. Our number one priority has to be security.”
  3. “Education is nice, but Health and Social Welfare are more important,” says celebrity social worker Brenda Malik. “This is where the people who really need government help are: the marginalized of our society. If we don’t help them, what kind of a nation are we?”
  4. “Hey, I’ve got a crazy idea,” says noted libertarian and bird-watcher Gwilym Siskel. “How about the government stops taking so much tax from people? Give us a tax cut and we’ll buy the things we need ourselves. People need to be weaned off the government teat!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, delivery truck companies use hospital parking lots to store 16-wheelers.

2021-06-23 10:00

It’s Our Lot in Life

Random Chaos City General Hospital is facing heavy criticism for towing a cancer patient’s car away for failing to pay the parking fees. Critics claim that the charges are far too high and that the hospital acted cruelly, while the hospital insists that the income source is necessary to help offset costs of operation.

  1. “The hospital is already charging us up to our eyeballs in medical bills, and this adds further insult to our literal injuries!” complains Cyrus Nygma, a hospital patient seen dragging along an IV bag. “The government must crack down on these greedy hospitals taking advantage of the sick. Ban them from charging people to park their cars! If they’re really that strapped for cash, they can always run a charity drive or something.”
  2. “You people do realize that our private hospitals cost money to run, right?” asks Ivanka Underwood, the CEO of Random Chaos City General. “We get thousands of patients and visitors each day that we need to look after, and the fees we collect from parking greatly help us pass the savings down to our custom... er... patients. Look, if people want to avoid parking rates, then the government can just pay the charges.”
  3. “As always, the private sector has a solution!” exclaims Morty Cobblepot, owner of a ride sharing service. “What if patients and hospital visitors called us and we drove them right to the hospital? That way they won’t have to worry about their cars getting towed. We’ve also been looking to get into the ambulance service, and with some government funding, we could expand our business model across all of Random Chaos! Apply competition and market forces to emergency transportation, and watch those response times fall!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a speech a day keeps climate change away.

2021-06-23 04:00

The Melting Point

The thousand-year-old Gamblerfoot Glacier, located in northern Random Chaos, served as a natural dam for the Gambler Lake. Yesterday it broke open, causing the lake’s contents to rush out into the valley below, destroying the downstream ecosystem and a nearby town.

  1. “This disaster is just another example of how human-accelerated climate change is destroying the natural world!” exclaims environmental activist Anakin Pelosi, slowly heating up in anger. “Cars, factories, and excessive flatulence cause glaciers like the Gamblerfoot to melt prematurely! Soon, these beauties will be all but gone. Leader, you have to do something — speeches, environmental regulations, anything to stop the rising temperatures! Every person in Random Chaos has to know the consequences of their carelessness!”
  2. “Oh get out of here you whining hippy!” grumbles Ellie Ward as she pushes her way into the room. “My town was flooded and my swimming pool was destroyed in this disaster. People may go homeless for who knows how long! Violet’s sake, your first priority should be to us, the average Random Chaosian, not some nonsense tree-loving wacko! Ensure that our tax chips are going right back towards rebuilding affected homes and businesses.”
  3. “It’s your own fault that you built a town smack-dab in the center of a potential flood pathway,” sighs self-described “preventionist” Judas Davenport as he emerges from the floor in mining gear. “Since we don’t allow dams in this nation, all areas within a seventeen-mile proximity of a glacier are in danger of flooding! Really, most of Random Chaos is vulnerable to some watery hazard, like the giant waterfall only a few miles from Random Chaos City. Let’s build dikes, dams, and drainage channels until all of the water is safely contained behind our man-made barriers. I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a map for you.” He shows you a map with an uncountable number of marks on it. “See here, here, here and here...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government awards prizes to television shows featuring stereotype-breaking minority roles.

2021-06-22 22:00

Minorities Demand Representation in TV Soaps

Random Chaos’s TV soaps—famous around the region—have come under fire for their lack of ethnic diversity.

  1. “Every night my family and I sit down to watch ‘The Brash and the Backstabbing’,” says Virginia Levi. “But where are the Lilliputians like myself? Where are the Bigtopians? The Marche Noirians? People from those cultures can be just as brash and backstabbing, but we never see them on the screen. The government must act to remove this silent apartheid from our TV screens.”
  2. “Those Lilliputians don’t know how good they have it,” says Chun-Li Schmidt, spokesperson for the Tasmanians Against Ethnic Stereotyping. “Tasmanians are on television all the time, but always in crude, stereotypical roles. The answer is not to enforce ethnic quotas, but to award government prizes for the positive portrayal of minorities. That’ll work better, and be cheaper, too.”
  3. “The government should do what now?” says TV studio executive Homer Baker. “You’ve got to be kidding. We make soaps here, not documentaries. I should be able to put whichever characters I want into my shows. Quotas! Government prizes! God save me! Hasn’t the government got anything better to do? Why don’t they just back off and let society work out these things on its own?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all writing must pass a censorship board before being allowed on the shelves.

2021-06-22 16:00

We Need Cash, Sharpish, Say Librarians

Ailing libraries have appealed to the government for a much-needed injection of funds.

  1. “Our libraries are in a dreadful state,” says distressed librarian, Paris Mumford. “This year we had to cancel our subscription to ‘Playboy’ and over half of our shelves are stacked with pamphlets from the Pizzeria across the road. We need more books and better standards. If there were more perks in this job then maybe we’d get some decent employees! If it needs a whole lot of government funds to pay for it all then so be it!”
  2. “Now hold it right there!” says manager of the local MEGA-BOOKS store, Woody Tarkin. “I employ twenty-four people and we are dependent upon people paying us money to buy books, magazines and newspapers from my store. How can you even think about giving our tax chips to these people so they can put us out of business? Of course poor people won’t be able to afford our wares but they’d only use them for fires or somethin’. Let our libraries die.”
  3. “I’m all for giving our libraries more money,” says Education Minister, Colin Chapman. “But we certainly shouldn’t just let them spend it however they please. We need an elected board to oversee all purchases and acquisitions made by our library system, promoting educational literature and keeping out smut. That way we can keep nudity out of the hands of children. We can make sure none of those political satires and newspapers that insult our government affect the weak-minded amongst us too. Then our libraries will be something to be proud of.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, burial ceremonies have become as routinised as tax forms.

2021-06-22 10:00

We’re Dying for Your Business

A recent exposé of the death care industry revealed that funeral costs are leaving some families dead broke. The reason for the price increases is thought to be because while population growth continues to rise, funeral parlour growth has stopped cold, resulting in shocking cases of price gouging. Demand for last rites has become so high that families sometimes have to pawn all of the deceased’s possessions just to afford a simple burial.

  1. “Dying is not something we have a choice in,” weeps a sombre woman dressed all in black. “The tragic death of a loved one followed by an astronomical bill landing on our doorsteps can put families’ finances in a death spiral. I urge you, Leader, to scrap death charges altogether and provide state-funded funerals for everyone. That way families won’t have to mourn their bank accounts as well as their loved ones.”
  2. “Yes, and do you know why there’s a shortage of funeral services, hmmm?” quietly seethes funeral director Igor Fronkensteen, while dragging a lumpy burlap sack behind him. “Burial plot land costs...they are rising, yes? The price of insuring a hearse these days is, how do you say, absolutely ludicrous, yes? And the restrictive laws on ‘adequate refrigeration’ and ‘treating the dead with dignity’ all are running our margins and my salary down! You want more funeral services at a cheaper price, you should ease up on the bureaucracy, yes?”
  3. “Funeral services? What a waste of money,” scoffs obscure thinker Johann McGuffin, who has yet to sell any copies of his book Rich Dead, Poor Dead. “What’s the point in some drawn-out shebang for someone who’s not even going to be around to see it? Do away with funerals altogether. That way we can cremate everyone and harvest their bodies for phosphorus!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the army is spending millions cloning khaki-colored dinosaurs.

2021-06-22 04:00

No Bones About It

A group of religious fanatics have broken into the Random Chaos City Natural History Museum and destroyed a 75 million-year-old Gorgosaurus skeleton - the only one of its kind in Random Chaos.

  1. “Those maniacs! They blew it all up! Damn them!” wails Dr. Alana Grant, pop-palaeontologist and author of the dubiously-researched Tyrannosaurs of the Jurassic, falling to her knees in horror. “Skeletons like this one provide rare and valuable insight about the history of life on our planet. We must do everything we can to stop these fools from destroying important scientific artifacts! Fortify and defend our museums, by violent means if necessary!”
  2. Dr Maurice Zaius, self proclaimed defender of the faith, slams his religion’s holy scrolls down on your desk, smashing your collection of rare ammonites. “These devout believers were doing the work of the Divine! These demon-lizards are fakes, from the depths of damnation! They are fabrications, to promote the ungodly theory that I call EVIL-lution. We should shut down these houses of lies that call themselves museums, and instead create temples that teach only Holy Truth. Sic semper tyrannosaurus!”
  3. Mathematician Yuri Montgomery, wearing a #notallpriests T-shirt, has the decency to look embarrassed by the previous speaker. “I’m thinking the underlying problem here is that followers of science and religion are always taught to be adversarial to each other. Couldn’t we address that instead, with government-sponsored Faith Academies reconciling the scientific method with theological debate? Many of the greatest advancements were historically made by faith-led nations. Shall we see if we can join them?”
  4. “This raises an interesting point,” muses patriotic soldier Victoria Hoskins. “I hear these dinosaurs were gigantic, killer monsters that ate flesh and struck fear into all who opposed them! Forget the bones of the past - you should be resurrecting those beasts to attack the enemies of Random Chaos. Imagine a pack of hungry Velociraptors, tearing apart your terrified foes!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the full title of Hon Leader Vcte Mgve MF FLRCLM GCRCE runs to several pages.

2021-06-21 22:00

All Systems Post-Nominal

After several avoidable deaths were blamed on the incompetent medical advice of “Marius Broadside MD”, an individual operating from a shady office on the outskirts of Random Chaos City, investigation revealed that he was using the letters MD without possessing a medical license, nor indeed any form of qualification.

  1. “I never lied to anybody!” wheedles the accused individual over the phone, from the bunker where he has gone into hiding. “I never said I was a Medical Doctor, and I didn’t post any signs calling my office a clinic. In fact, obviously, the initials stand for Managing Director. I merely gave advice to whomever happened to come by, and they paid me for my wisdom! Is it a crime to be wrong? Whatever happened to free speech?”
  2. “My diagnosis: misuse of post-nominal letters. The prescription: board certification!” pontificates Doctor Sashona Hart, president of the Random Chaos Medical Association, while scribbling illegibly in a notepad. “There are professional associations for nearly all reputable occupations: MDs, CPAs, even the lawyers with their cute little ‘Esq.’ title! You must require that an individual be certified by a proper professional association before using any kind of letters after their name, for the public’s sake.”
  3. “I agree that we need credentialing, but the government ought to handle it,” opines Anne-Marie Oliver, your Deputy Minister for Expanding Bureaucracy. “Can we really trust private groups to handle membership fairly? That’s just begging for corruption and nepotism. We’ll set standards that will be the same all across Random Chaos, and the paper trail we create — signed in triplicate and filed appropriately — will ensure we know exactly who is allowed to call themselves what!”
  4. “Occupational titles?” asks your protocol assistant, straightening his cravat. “Oh no, what the government needs is some new titles of its own, to recognize citizens that have served us well! Imagine — the Leader Medal of Freedom! The Random Chaos Legion of Merit! Maybe even bring back knighthoods and earldoms and duchies? That’s how you show some appreciation! Those are the only post-nominals that should be allowed, and the only ones that matter!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, protests are prohibited from blocking traffic.

2021-06-21 16:00

Suits in Protest

Thousands of business men and women have taken to the streets in protest of their working conditions and pay. “It’s not fair that we can’t have a union,” says Susie Kirk, VP of Sales at SlothCorp. “Just because we make six figures doesn’t mean we don’t deserve overtime too! It’s high time that the lower classes come to appreciate our hard efforts.”

  1. Beyonce Rodriguez, secretary of commerce, recommends you ignore these commies. “Free enterprise means not having to succumb to unions, and the world has enough unions already.”
  2. Gombu Zukerburg, secretary of labor, advises you to adjust laws to allow white-collar unions. “It only makes sense that all of the workers in our nation have an equal opportunity to benefit from the advantages of collective bargaining.”
  3. “Get these people out of the street!” advises Lisbeth Fitzgerald, local police chief. “They’re blocking traffic, and making it impossible for the common man to get to the megamall!”
  4. Finally, Right Reverend Rupert May proclaims, “The downtrodden are suffering at the hands of the MAN, and these wealthy upper shelf vice presidents are asking to make the rich richer and the poor poorer! The only reason the common worker needs a union is to be able to fight against the oppression of these slave drivers! It’s ludicrous that these greedy scrooges are asking for even MORE money! Send them packing and raise taxes on the wealthy to bring more equality to our nation!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, businesses are scrambling to adapt to the government's mandate that 'time and measurement no longer exist'.

2021-06-21 10:00

Sizing Up the Competition

After a recent conversion mistake cost a government research project millions in chips, Random Chaos’s scientists have come to you begging for the country to switch to the metric system.

  1. “Our measurement system is a complete disaster!” wails renowned engineer Mary Vangelis, brandishing the odd-looking result of a recent project. “We’re stuck using primitive and illogical measurements like ‘fingers’ or ‘donkeypower’ or ‘MegaFonzie’. It’s too much! Practically every other nation in The Hatrackia has converted to the metric system. Think of how much it would help our international communication! It’ll cost a few chips to convert, but it’ll be damn cheaper than the mistakes our system is causing!”
  2. “Primitive? How dare that geek say such a thing!” spits infamous patriot Sonam Contri. “They’re not just measurements; they’re part of our cultural heritage! Where would we be without our attoparsecs, hogsheads, or shakes of a gambler’s tail? Should we throw away our national identity just because a few scientists are too lazy to do their jobs correctly? Give the taxpayers a break and ignore these eggheads! We should embrace our cultural uniqueness, not erase it!”
  3. “This. This is a crossroads,” notes avant garde artist Kurt Kennett. “This idea that we can standardize how people look at the world with words... it’s prehistoric. Everything’s beautiful, man. We need to stop trying to control the world and just... live. Imagine how happy our nation would be with no measurements. No measurements at all.” He pauses to gaze at nothing in particular, as far as you can tell. “Think about it. No time like the present, Leader. No time.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, courses in how to boil water are popular for formerly microwave-reliant Random Chaosians.

2021-06-21 04:00

Can It!

Mass-produced microwavable meals have become increasingly popular due to their convenience and low cost. However, the Skandilundian research group Meals for Sustenance and Gastronomy has warned that the dietary imbalance found in the nation’s microwavable meals may be leaving Random Chaosians at risk of malnutrition.

  1. “This is truly embarrassing!” states physician Dr. Cindy Roll, massaging her temples. “We have become so reliant on these low-quality packaged meals that we have lost all perception of what good nutrition is! I suggest that we abolish fast food restaurants and these dreadful poor-quality ready-meals. Instead, we should encourage Random Chaosians to enjoy cooking their own wholesome food with fresh produce.” She swats the bowl of Ma Nature’s Truly Triglyceride Macaroni and Cheese out of your hands.
  2. “Our problem is that the nation has lost any sense of fine ingredients!” declares chef Howard Foster, manager of Random Chaos City’s finest eatery The Gilded Chip. “There’s no need to ban the commercial food industry. You should merely ensure that manufacturers and chefs use better-quality ingredients. Once they have tasted food that’s not filled with monosodium glutamate and E-numbers, they will be lining up at the door to taste all the fine cuisine Random Chaos has to offer. Such as the delights offered by my restaurant.” He places a freshly-cooked deep-dish pizza in front of you.
  3. Sniffing the air, a man wanders into your dining room and picks up your spilled macaroni. “You gonna eat that?” He devours the soggy pasta with a satisfied sigh. “I really don’t see the problem with processed meals. Firstly, they are the most delicious thing ever. Also, they’re quick and easy to make, and cheap to buy. In fact, why do we need any other food? Whether you buy Ma Nature or Yums for Tums, all microwavable meals are just so great! Why don’t we ban all other food production, and make Random Chaos the world capital for microwavable cuisine? It would be ravioli heaven!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's infamous boot camp is more brutal than most battlefields.

2021-06-20 22:00

Sergeants Are Too Nasty, Say New Recruits

A haggard group of new recruits in Random Chaos’s army have spoken out against the brutal conditions experienced in their military training.

  1. “It’s atrocious!” wails Private Jiang Ford, from amidst the cacophony of a parade cadence. “We’re forced to sleep in crowded barracks, on hard cots, and do the most inhumane exercises when we wake up! Just today I’ve had to crawl through a muddy minefield, climb a grease-coated wall, and to top it all off, get mangled by an angry drill sergeant! All we want is a little respect from the officers - maybe to sleep in until noon, and not have to get all sweaty and tired doing stupid things like marching and climbing ropes. Oh, and private bedrooms too - we’re risking our lives for the country, after all.”
  2. “THEY WANT WHAT?!” screams Sgt. Burkz, while pressing back a rising vein on her neck. “This is WAR, not DAYCARE! If anything, the training standards should be tougher! If I want to whip some pasty-faced, beer-gutted greenhorn because he can’t climb over a razor-wire fence then I should be given the permission to do so right away! The cry-babies won’t like it, but they can run home back to their rich daddies if that’s the way they’re having it. War isn’t a walk in the park, and training shouldn’t be either. For all our sakes.”
  3. “Training, what a load of old hooey,” says renowned spendophobe and radio announcer, Natalie McCarthy. “The only thing it teaches our soldiers is how to shine boots and fight plastic dummies. We’d be better off if we just dropped them into the fight so they could learn to shoot for themselves. There might be a few accidents, but it’ll be worth it for all the chips we’ll save.”
  4. “There is another way, you know...” whispers Valour Solo, the Chief of Secret Projects and Shiny Things in Random Chaos’s military research department. “What if we started taking children and raising them from birth to fight? We’d be able to make them completely immune to propaganda, psychological warfare, and demoralisation. Not only would that stop the crying new recruits, it’d also give us a powerful military edge. People may not like giving up their kids, but that’s why we run the country. We know better.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, homes have been banned from having any more than one wheel.

2021-06-20 16:00

Not All Those Who Wander Are Paying

After a much-publicised incident involving a farmer’s attempts to drive a family of travellers off private property, there has been a call for you to review the laws governing nomadic communities and their mobile homes.

  1. “These turnpike travellers just rolled onto my field in those caravans of theirs and camped out,” says Théoden Bacon, the enraged farmer. “And when I tries to run ‘em over with my tractor, it’s me who gets stuck in the cells overnight! I’ve tried getting the government to evict them but they take too long over it. How would these people have reacted if I’d set up a tent in their back garden? There should be a law so I can get rid of them any way I choose. Vagrants should not be allowed to go wherever they like. It’s just not fair to landowners.”
  2. “All we wanted was a place to stay the night,” says Billy-Bob Giono, a traveller and parent of fourteen children. “Or maybe for a week or so. Or a month. Perhaps through winter; it’s pretty mild around here, I don’t know. But is that such a crime? We weren’t stealing anything, or harming anyone. All we ask is to be allowed to continue our travels without harassment.”
  3. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” says Georgina Mitchell, one of your advisors who happens to own an extensive greenfield site. “We can’t just let people go living wherever they like just because they’ve been doing it for hundreds of years. It’s very untidy! What I suggest is that we dip into the coffers and buy plots of land, all over the country, and turn them into nice safe areas where these folks can stay for as long as they want before they decide to move on. See? Problem solved.”
  4. “I have the best solution,” says Lenny Sullivan, in response to a street survey. “These itinerants should be arrested, their caravans sold for scrap, and, and... told not to do it again! I think we’ve all had enough with the government pussy-footing their way around these criminals! The way they just swan in and disrupt communities any way they please! And think of what their presence would do to the value of my property! People ought to live in bricks and mortar, not tins on wheels!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many say faith is a crutch for those who can't move forward.

2021-06-20 10:00

Armed and Legging It

Walking down the corridors of power at your usual brisk pace, you’re caught a little off guard when one of your accompanying clerks suddenly crumples to the ground mid-stride, her left lower leg detaching from the rest of her. To your relief, the dismembered member of staff has in fact lost a prosthetic limb rather than an organic one. As you help her up, she explains that her prosthetic is a cheap import of low quality: she’d love a better one, but high quality models are far and few between.

  1. “Many people just can’t move forward in our nation because of limb loss,” says your assistant, ambling carefully. “My colleagues and I believe that we - the government - should use our resources and staff to research new designs and help these people live their lives to the fullest.”
  2. “I respectfully disagree with this idea,” states Omar Kim, CEO of LiteTeck Inc, while handling a plastic foot. “The government should have no involvement in prosthetic research. You’d be kicking the legs out from under private manufacturers by denying them a market. Our investors would rather you arm them against this possibility with tax breaks and subsidies. With a little investment, Random Chaos could be a world leader in strapped-on flesh-coloured plastic appendages.”
  3. “There’s another way to reach out to the limbless,” says Theresa Rivera, a volunteer from the charitable Open Hands Society. “3D-printed limbs can be produced for anyone, by anyone. If one wears out or becomes outdated, it can be tossed, and a new one printed. Along with that, citizens can work together to design limbs that work for them. Why not send some money to the non-profit foundations that are developing these things? You’ll be helping not only here in Random Chaos, but also the disabled of third world nations that the charities serve.”
  4. “You can’t incorporate the artificial into the natural without diminishing your connection to the living world of spirits,” pipes up Ariel Zimmer, Priestess of the Earth Divinities, whose presence in your entourage is even more unexpected than that of the last two speakers. “If you are missing a limb, then accept that The Mother loves you for who you are and that fate chose that destiny for you. Leader, if you ban prostheses, you’ll teach self-reliance and self-love. Meditation and thankful prayer will lift broken souls, even if broken bodies must stay earthbound. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to visit my podiatrist.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an extra hand on the leg will give a horse-and-a-half of lead in a hundred jiffies on seven furlongs.

2021-06-20 05:00

The Old Metric

Switching over to the metric system has certainly benefited your scientists and other such intellectuals. The common populace, however, is expressing a measure of doubt.

  1. “It’s such a headache!” complains celebrity chef Chun-Li Song, brandishing a sauce-covered calculator. “I’d need to be an accountant to convert all my old recipes, and how do you expect me to quickly know how much broth I need when the measurement isn’t straight from the box itself? If the scientific folk want to use the metric system, let them, but don’t expect the common man to suffer for them!”
  2. “If it apparently takes so much time to do unit conversions, this is clearly an educational issue,” states math teacher Horatio Bowman, while snatching the calculator from Chun-Li and delicately cleaning it. “With some more funding for mandatory after-school mathematics academies, our next generations will be able to calculate between any measurement system at lightning speed!” He delicately places the calculator on your desk. “Why, we may not even have a need for this soon enough.”
  3. “They don’t want to comply?” questions gruff researcher Dr. May Harkness, who’s known to be a bit of a loose-cannon, but a damn good scientist. “It’s not that hard to use the metric system! I say, if we find these perps with even a centigram of paper with the old measurement system on it we force them to convert it on the spot. If they refuse then fine them enough to reduce their net income by an order of magnitude.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, in pet stores nationwide gamblers are growing in popularity.

2021-06-19 22:00

Save the Gambler

In desperation at the plight of the gambler, which has virtually no natural habitat left in Random Chaos, a somewhat unorthodox environmental group is demanding that the few surviving specimens be domesticated and sold in pet stores.

  1. “We must act now, before the gambler is lost forever,” said spokesperson Iroh Laine during a recent interview. “Domestication has ensured the survival of many endangered species in the past, and there really is no alternative left at this point. Besides, I’m sure many families would be thrilled to welcome a gambler into their homes.”
  2. “Sure, gamblers might look cute and harmless to you,” says retired hunting legend Miley Rudd, “but back in my day, they were the scourge on the nation. They carry a number of dangerous diseases, and you do NOT want to be bitten by one. My cousin was once bitten by a gambler and he’s never been the same since! So now you want my grandchildren exposed to these things? The sooner they disappear completely, the better!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is promoting multicultural values with the new 'Just Be Nice, OK?' initiative.

2021-06-19 16:00

Sticks and Stones

Nicholas Condor, a prominent Bigtopian activist and soapbox orator, caused quite a stir last week when he publicly called for the complete extermination of the people of Random Chaos, accusing fellow citizens of being ‘sub-human’, ‘immoral’, and ‘really ugly too’. Citizens Against Intolerance, a pressure group aiming to reduce social inequality, has demanded that the government put more resources into combating hate speech. Coincidentally, another society, also called Citizens Against Intolerance, has stood up for Mr Condor, claiming that inhibiting his speeches would be a violation of his right to free speech.

  1. “I can’t believe we’re even debating this,” says Buffy Wall, who was present at the infamous speech. “Doesn’t it worry you that a man, who would obviously be happier if we all died horrible, painful deaths, is allowed to walk around in public? Let him continue and he’ll cause a riot! Free speech is supposed to protect people! But talking about genocide and killing, well... that doesn’t help anyone. It breaks society. It drives us apart. Hate speech is a very serious crime, Leader. You can’t just ignore it.”
  2. “Words by themselves can’t hurt anyone,” counters Haakon Curtis, a free speech advocate. “We don’t need to be ‘protected’ from hearing different opinions for goodness’ sake! Oh, what a boring place the world would be if we all had the same thoughts! You can’t punish people for disagreeing with you! That’s crazy! I hate my mother-in-law, but if I told her so and she then tried to stab me with a kitchen knife then the problem is obviously hers - not mine.”
  3. “I agree to an extent,” ventures Mamiko Krauss, your Minister of Domestic Security. “But insulting one person is not the same as insulting an entire social grouping. The wrong word in the wrong place and you WILL have violence on the streets: that’s the reality we live in, whether you like it or not. If we want to make any real difference then we need to nudge cultural values in the right direction with government awareness programmes and the like. Educate the masses! Laying down a reactionary law will just fuel resentment in the long run.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the might of the entire Random Chaosian Navy is focused on fifty bemused spear-throwing islanders.

2021-06-19 10:00

Tribes and Tribulations

A Random Chaosian tourist was killed on an island inhabited by an uncontacted, neolithic tribe known as the Maxeliese. The victim’s family is demanding justice, but the matter is further complicated by the fact that the tribe’s island is considered Wezeltonian territory.

  1. “Those savages murdered my brother!” states Gretel Keating, pummelling your desk in a fit of rage. “As they clearly don’t understand concepts like ‘respect for the rule of law’, you should bomb the island and send them back to the Stone Age! That’ll send a stark lesson to them and any other tribe that wishes to mess with Random Chaos!”
  2. “And risk going to war with Wezeltonia?” rebuts your Minister of Defense while folding out a map of the region. “Look, I sympathize that one of our citizens was killed, but frankly he should have known better. That island is clearly marked as off-limits by the Wezeltonian government. What we need to do is pressure their government to step up patrols to ensure that this tragedy never happens again, allowing this tribe to develop as nature intended. I’m sure we could lend a ship or two to help out.”
  3. “This tribe is a perfect chance to study living history!” exclaims famed archaeologist Iowa Smith, donning his trademark Stetson and whip. “These people are living just like our ancestors did thousands of years ago. Why not send a covert team to monitor them? Think of the scientific discoveries, the adventure! I’m sure the Wezeltonian government can be persuaded to help us out if we hand over those artifacts they say we stole from them.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pristine wilderness has been trashed in the quest for cheaper oil.

2021-06-19 04:00

Painful Prices Paid at the Pump

Commuters are complaining about the ongoing rise in gas prices, causing a massive debate in the government about what should be done.

  1. “Who cares about a few trees?” says oil executive Paul Shongwe. “Gas prices are six chips per gallon, and rising! There is lots of oil to be found in areas currently protected as parks! Solving our energy needs is more important than conserving the environment. Just give us permission to go in there and start drilling, and gas prices will plummet!”
  2. “There are other ways to recover from the fossil fuel crisis besides ruining forests,” says environmental activist Victoria Bender. “We shouldn’t just take the short way out and drill here. I suggest spending more money on public transportation systems and encouraging people to carpool - if people weren’t so reliant on fossil fuel powered cars, we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place, and if we start using less oil, the price will drop with the demand.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chocolate in Random Chaos has its flavour enhanced by the salty tears of enslaved factory workers.

2021-06-18 22:00

Leader and the Chocolate Factory

Local chocolate factory Wenko’s Candy Universe was busted by the police last night. Authorities discovered that it was only able to produce its tasty treats at low, low prices due to a workforce that was comprised of illegal immigrants from Zompaboodaland, a battle-ravaged country that has been mired in a decades-long civil war. The ill-treated workers had been smuggled into Random Chaos with the promise of work, and were being forced to “work off their cost of passage.”

  1. A group of men each as tall as your knee stumble into the room and break into song. “Zoompo-boodo-zippity-zoo, master feeds us terrible food. Zoompo-boodo-zippa-dah-deeeeee, if you are bad he will whip ye! What do you get when you eat like a cat? An eating disorder, and that is that! I don’t like the taste of it!” The Zompa Boodas hand you a petition asking for all illegal immigrants to be granted amnesty and citizenship, before they are shoveled into a wheelbarrow by your security guard, in order to remove them from your office.
  2. “WHAAAAAT?” inquires madman factory owner, Willy Wenko. “These claims are preposterous! My little helpers have their own lives, families, and free will. Furthermore, I pay them plenty!” He turns to the last three little workers still in your office, handing two of them a piece of chocolate each, but grabbing the third around the throat. “So you thought it was a good idea to tell tales, huh? NO RATIONS FOR A WEEK! Ahaha, sorry, that was just a little joke... I beg you, allow me to keep our little factory family together, and let the magic of Wenko Chocolates keep bringing smiles to little children’s faces! For the kids, Leader, the kids!”
  3. “Are you kidding me? This is a no-brainer!” exclaims Immigration Officer Charles Bucket, whose fearless infiltration of the factory was instrumental in busting open the Wenko case. “It is obvious this purple-hatted lunatic was exploiting these people! How would you like it if you were kidnapped by some rich weirdo to work in their factory forever? We need to ship these little folk home immediately!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government only invests in infrastructure after a natural disaster.

2021-06-18 16:30

Yours Insincerely

Whenever disaster strikes Random Chaos, politicians have a habit of sending their “thoughts and prayers” to the victims. Although the gesture is appreciated by some, there are many who feel that the phrase is simply an excuse for politicians to do nothing.

  1. “Every time I hear a politician send their ‘thoughts and prayers’ I feel like vomiting in my mouth,” complains social commentator Divit duPont, forcefully shredding a newspaper reporting your Minister of Transportation sending prayers for the victims of a train disaster. “If you ask me, that’s their way of getting out of actually doing anything meaningful to help the victims. How about sending some much-needed aid when there’s a disaster? Or perhaps investing in some infrastructure? The people want government action, not empty platitudes.”
  2. “On the contrary, many people have told me that they have found comfort in my words when they needed it most,” replies Judi Little, a politician who has been known to fall asleep during government ceremonies. “There’s nothing odious or lazy with sending out thoughts and prayers. Some people find it helpful to be reminded that their government cares. What’s wrong with that?”
  3. “Since when should the government be in the business of spreading this religious indoctrination?” fumes atheist media personality Noah Serling. “Thoughts and prayers? Oh, please! This is nothing more than the government imposing its religious beliefs on everyone else. How about the government back off with this propaganda and let people mourn in their own private way?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Renaissance frescos are being chiselled off public walls.

2021-06-18 11:30

Wipe Out Graffiti?

Citizens all over Random Chaos have been petitioning for firmer action on public graffiti.

  1. “It’s a disgrace!” declares Lauren Caldwell, middle class and proud of it. “I can’t even go downtown without seeing these hideous eyesores debasing the streets! We need to arrest the scumbags at the root of this, force them to clean every bit of paint off every wall, and teach them a jolly good lesson! More policemen on the beat should do the ticket, even if it does require a slight augmentation in taxes!”
  2. “I don’t see what’s so bad,” comments Richard Hill, a famous art critic. “This is urban art at its finest. It’s vibrant, colorful, and simply reeks of culture! Just look at the form displayed in this string of racist expletives! Wonderful. Simply wonderful. I think we should really be encouraging these budding Rembrandts, not putting them down! I say we legalise it, in the name of culture!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it turns out you can teach cats new tricks.

2021-06-18 04:00

Here’s Looking at Zoo, Kid

Following the abolition of zoos, an ecological report has found that a large proportion of released zoo animals have not survived in the wild because they spent most of their lives in captivity.

  1. “I totally saw this coming,” asserts a pair of talking giraffe’s legs, who you realise is actually the former director of the Random Chaos City Zoo wearing a giraffe costume on stilts. “It’s a sad scene, isn’t it? Those poor giraffes alone in the wilderness with no way of defending themselves from predators like those supercilious tigers. The public are understandably mad that these exotic animals have no chance of surviving in the wild. The answer is simple: let us recapture all of our animals to save them from themselves and we’ll re-exhibit them once more.”
  2. “If you knew this would happen, then why didn’t you prepare the animals before their release?” questions the notoriously catty Secretary of Wildlife Conservation, Beryl Caskin. “Training and rehabilitation are what we need here. We’ll get our people into the wild to hone these animals’ survival instincts by demonstrating to them the behaviours that they will need to survive. For example, we could teach tigers how to stalk their prey or giraffes to whack would-be predators with their necks. A film crew can even follow us around, which will raise public awareness on wildlife conservation without the need for zoos.”
  3. “Any human intervention is too much human intervention,” says Gabriel Wonka, the head of the Special Protection of Animals Movement. “Besides, the government should be focusing on highly endangered animals such as the Random Chaosian horny toad. Can you believe there’s only twenty of them left? We can’t risk their extinction. It would be nice if we instead left endangered animal species alone in their own protected reserves, away from other animals, with a never-ending supply of food.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, murder is sanctioned if the legal paperwork is filled out correctly.

2021-06-17 22:00

Contract Killer

A legal battle has recently come to your attention, over a failed repayment of an overdue private debt and the validity of the underlying legal contract. The debtor owes ten thousand chips and under the bond agreement signed, the lender is calling to take a pound of flesh in lieu of payment.

  1. “I deserve to obtain a pound of flesh from that bankrupt fellow over there, as we both willingly signed this bond in the presence of a lawyer,” explains the lender, Mr. Boldkey, matter-of-factly. “The function of the law is to uphold justice, is it not? Exceptions to contracts will weaken confidence in the legal and financial system. Should I not be allowed to take what I am owed and to acquire it from say, his neck?”
  2. “Please spare me, I have a family to look after!” wails the debtor from behind bars. He is promptly silenced by his lawyer, Mr. Balthazar, who in a suspiciously high pitched voice elaborates: “What my client is trying to communicate is that the purpose of the law is to protect the rights of the smallest minority that has ever existed, which is the individual. A judge - or the government - should be able to annul any contract that has an immoral basis. The quality of mercy should be applied now and serve as a benchmark for future cases.”
  3. “Give Boldkey that which is justly his, which is a pound of flesh, nothing more, nothing less!” says Ms. Popov, a bored looking lawyer. “But due to him not being a licensed agent of the law, he must then be charged with murder, or at least assault, depending on the extent of the injury inflicted. The letter of the law is served, and freedom as well.”
  4. “For this debtor’s life, let justice itself stand accused!” interjects Greta Yanno, famed pedant and interfering busybody. “There is a law mandating measurements made metric, correct? Thus we must conclude, a ‘pound of flesh’ means nothing to the law, and the contract is void. Let precedent be set — without a metric of measure, a promise cannot bind!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is purchasing vast amounts of palm oil for plastics production.

2021-06-17 16:00

Externalities Palmed Off

A sunny neighbouring nation with a developing economy has been burn-clearing large swathes of rainforest to gain land for palm tree plantations. Weather conditions have carried the thick pall of smoke from the burning across a narrow sea strait, and into Random Chaos.

  1. “The smog is affecting the young, the elderly, and the sick,” notes your Minister of Civic Welfare, as she holds a rose-scented handkerchief over her nose and mouth. “We have to send a strongly-worded letter to their government to request that they do something to stop the parties responsible, if they’d be so kind. I’m sure that with their own citizens being affected, and with us pointing out the ecological damage they’re doing, they’ll take everything into consideration and choose to be reasonable.”
  2. “They aren’t going to respond to that! They don’t care if their own citizens drop dead in the fields, they’re cynical profiteers who only care about the bottom line!” fumes Malekith O, the Minister of Trade and Industry. “Let’s embargo all their palm oil products and encourage all our allies and major trade partners to do the same. That’ll teach them!”
  3. “Teach them what? That we care about abstract concepts like ‘diplomacy’ and ‘dialogue’?” rebukes Sarah Underwood, a hawkish Air Force Commander, pounding her fist into her open hand for emphasis. “It’s clear that they won’t fold easily when there’s so much profit at stake, but if we bomb the government, whoever is still left will accede to any of our demands.”
  4. “And what will that achieve? Decades in a never-ending war, that’s what!” mocks Angela Cockburn, a slightly deranged scientist, who is staring intently at a snowglobe. “Instead, let’s build a protective acrylic-glass dome over every city, and connect them via enclosed tubes. We won’t have to care about the haze, difficult neighbours, or even climate change ever again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, trespassers entering Leader's office are immediately vaporized.

2021-06-17 10:00

Leader, Tear Down This Door!

After countless people barged into your office through the front door, never mind the window, your door has become quite dilapidated. You decided to hold a small meeting on how to fix the problem, and now your office is filled with people holding surprisingly strong opinions regarding such a minor topic.

  1. “Leader, how can you stand working in an office with a door barely attached to its hinges? People are going to think our nation is as broken as this door!” exclaims your secretary, Gyelbu Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff, after clearing away today’s new petitions. “You need a brand new door. Oh! How about a rich Marche Noirian Mahogany? It would have beautiful ornamentation filled with national symbolism. Maybe we could replace the drapes while we’re at it. That’s sure to make Random Chaos look great again! Well, at the very least, your office will.”
  2. “I see random people of no importance barging into your office and dumping all of their problems on your desk for you to handle!” shouts your head of security, Malon Duterte, while slamming the remainder of the office door. “Let me beef up your security here and install a sturdy iron door. Then only people with worthy issues will seek your counsel.”
  3. “That’s too old school!” interjects Tamara, your nerdy niece. “Why not install a force field door? It could glow neon blue and look so cool and stuff! Force fields probably aren’t radioactive, right?”
  4. “Why not make yourself a little spending money?” suggests wealthy industrialist Edward Rump as he adjusts his toupee. “You should have a yuuuuuge statue of yourself in front of the door. Random Chaosians insert chips into the statue, and you can judge their worthiness based on how much they pay their respects.”
  5. “Leader, tear down this door!” hollers a random jellybean-eating passerby who seems to have wandered into your office. “If you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for Random Chaos and The Hatrackia, tear down this door!” The interloper is promptly removed by security.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation honors the inventor of the three-wheeled steam-powered Random Chaosian weed picker.

2021-06-17 04:00

Who’s in Your Wallet?

After some years in circulation, it’s time for a new set of banknotes to be issued in Random Chaos. With a growing rumbling of dissatisfaction among segments of society who are unhappy with the lack of diversity of those depicted on the current notes, your ever-besieged office is now besieged by numismatic malcontents wanting to have their say.

  1. “Every time I open my wallet, I see the same old dead farts staring back at me,” bemoans Leia Crane, ringleader of the aptly named Got Change? movement, whilst waving a wad of notes about. “Let’s face it, this country has changed a lot since these people were slapped on our notes — but we’ve had the same people on them since the stone age! We need to depict minorities and women, and celebrate unsung heroes like authors and scientists! Show the world who truly made Random Chaos great!”
  2. “By Violet’s ponytail, is nothing sacred?” decries staunch conservative Roger de la Rue, frantically waving a small Random Chaosian pennant. “First they came for our national anthem, then our holidays, now even our cash has to be changed to coddle the feelings of these kooks! Well, no more I say, the buck stops here! It should be a crime even calling for the alteration of our national symbols, customs, and institutions!”
  3. “It’s time to use the change in notes as a great propag... I mean, chance to increase the population’s affection and devotion towards Your Excellency,” says a finger-twiddling toady advisor. “If anyone should grace our nation’s currency, it’s you. L’état, c’est toi, non?” The finger-twiddling continues unabated in the midst of a cackle.
  4. Finally, your mother chimes in with more of her infamous unsolicited advice. “Now, now dear. I know your little niece wants some famous nickelodeon personae on our bills, and some other chaps want esteemed alchemists and so on. But why not just please everyone and have nobody shown on our notes? Avoid controversy this way. Just put happy little trees, or a gambler, celebrating the nature of our beautiful country. Wouldn’t that just be lovely to have cute, little gamblers smiling back at you every time you go to pay for your morning tea and porridge?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, six-year-old children playing dress-up are viewed with suspicion.

2021-06-16 22:00

A Role to Play

Perpetual loner and social outcast Anupam Stoker made the news after holding five of his schoolmates hostage in a classroom for four hours, forcing them at sword-point (with an excellent replica Toledo Salamanca rapier) to play the popular role-playing game Trials and Trolls. Though everyone was released unharmed and the boy is now under arrest, many are asking if the game is a bad influence...

  1. “A few months ago, my little boy started playing this so-called game, and just the other day I caught him trying to fight our dog with a toy sword,” sobs distraught parent Ganondorf Butler. “These books can only teach children to solve problems with violence. Kids everywhere are forgetting that they’re not paladins, or wizards, or whatever! It’s dangerous, and you have to ban these corrupting codices, for the good of Random Chaos!”
  2. “People need to mind their own business,” states self-proclaimed nerd and ‘TnT-otaku’ Layla Hernandez, proudly wearing a ‘Jesus Saves And Takes Half Damage’ t-shirt. “This is a positive activity, which can teach you social skills, maths, story-telling, and stuff! Sure, sometimes a player who has too much soda will fling half a dozen four-sided dice at someone’s head, because you know, magic missiles, ha-ha, but no real harm done by that. If this psycho held his fellow students hostage, it was because he was mentally ill, not because he gamed. Maybe deal with the mental health funding gap, and leave our hobby alone?”
  3. “Actually, I think that being taken hostage was our own fault,” suggests Roberto Stockholm, one of the crime’s victims. “I mean, he had asked us to game with him for months, but we thought we were too cool to play with dice and toy soldiers, and we even made fun of him. Now I’ve been obliged to try out Trials and Trolls, I realise how amazing it is! You should add the game to the national curriculum. It’ll make us better people.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, traffic news is delivered to drivers via carrier pigeon.

2021-06-16 16:00

Imitation Station

While chauffeuring you to work this morning, your driver notified you of a recent spike in motorized vehicle accidents. He says that the cause is several distracting radio advertisements - one ironically telling drivers to “buckle up”. These ads include sounds of screams, screeching tyres, honking horns, and police sirens, causing confusion for drivers on the road.

  1. “You can’t simply restrict our right as businesses to use a simple sound!” complains CEO of Adz4U Inc. Carrie Howell, while a vuvuzela quartet play a selection of tunes in the background. “These noises help us draw in our audience’s attention, and get them to listen better. Plus, if a few commuters get into fender benders then that’s good for auto-repair businesses, right?”
  2. “If you let them use these sounds, millions will die!” screams histrionic commuter Hans Perry. “Okay, I admit, I can’t provide evidence for that. But this is definitely a public safety concern, and it’s common sense that there’ll be deaths on the road from this. And surely, safety is your number one priority, right? Adverts should be screened for distracting noises.”
  3. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, let’s slow down here, people,” says grumpy middle-aged woman Marin Watts. “There is an incredibly easy solution here, and that’s just to not allow radios or any other audio systems in cars. Think about it! No more young drivers ‘sharing’ the latest chart tunes at full volume as they drive through town centres, no more screaming toddlers demanding that nursery rhymes are on endless loop on long car journeys and no more sad songs making you want to take a hard left into oblivion when you’re driving along the clifftop. Wait, is that one just me?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's weary schoolchildren excel at sport but must count scores on their fingers.

2021-06-16 10:00

Teenage Kicks

Dozens of children were seriously injured last week, during Kick a Ginger Day, the traditional start-of-term ritual in which generations of redheaded children at Gambler Lake Secondary School have been attacked by their classmates. The Principal says their staff, notably devoid of redheads, were out to lunch and heard nothing of the rampage. Sensing a photo-op, you have cancelled your Step-Yoga class and headed over to the school to meet the parents.

  1. “THIS IS BULLYING!” yells civil-rights activist and parent of redheaded twins, Rochelle Lazenby, showing you a photograph of her children in hospital beds. “It is unconscionable for me to even think that my poor daughters were beaten for something they can’t control! All children should be treated equally, regardless of their hair color. What if it was ‘Bash a Blonde Day’? Would that be okay? I say we must take a hard line on all forms of bullying in our schools, and wipe it out: teasing, joking, badinage, poking fun, mockery, harrying, pestering...”
  2. “Bullying? Please! Now what are those liberal ninnies whining about?” scoffs Adele Harker, whose brown-haired son, Paxton, participated in the ritual kicking. “They were foot nudges, uncomfortable for a minute. Two, maybe. Not harmful at all. This is really the erosion of our traditions by the left-wing elite, the suppression of childish high spirits by folks who’d see them become tax-payin’ tree-huggin’ robots. Why, we did it all the time when I was a kid. At the end, all the normal kids give those weird gingers a hearty thump on the back, accepting ‘em as good sports. And they like that. Keep the nanny state out of the playground, and respect our ancient traditions.”
  3. “Rubbish!” snorts Diego Archer, an avid amateur gamblerball fan, who busily plucks lint from his West Random Chaos City Wanderers sweatshirt and has barely glanced at his daughter. “Getting kids to be nice, allowing kids to beat each other up. What kids really need is daily contact sports to work off that energy. Once you thrash your opponent on the field, thrashing them with your fist seems kind of pointless. And, there’s another upside. Little Tammy Thompson won’t have the strength to beat-up anyone if she’s spent all day kicking a ball.”
  4. “The obvious solution has been overlooked,” states another parent, programmer Jill ‘Chips’ Wei, who has spent her whole life trying to blend in. “Simply dye everyone’s hair the same colour when they start school. You don’t know what it’s like, Leader. The beating of the drums would start, and then the remorseless chanting, and all the teachers would lock themselves in the staffroom until it was over. To protect children from their playmates’ scorn and savagery, uniformity is the only way.” Paxton Harker’s parent trips her up, and a group of brunette parents guffaw.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a typical peasant's life cycle leads from birth to the gallows.

2021-06-16 04:00

The Court of the Crimson Lord

One of Random Chaos’s highest-ranking nobles, Lord Giles, has been criticized for the draconian management of his estate. After the ninth execution of a serf was reported within a month, you have traveled to Giles’ court to discuss the matter personally.

  1. “You’re just in time for the entertainment!” booms Lord Giles, flashing you a toothy grin. “Pay no mind to any outcries, Leader. The lower folk must know their place; we can’t give the wretches any leeway, can we? Now, do stick around. We’ve got a wonderful choir performing soon, made up of some of the little ‘uns from a nearby village. You wouldn’t believe what the threat of punishing their parents does to their music: heavenly sounds! I swear, Random Chaos could learn a thing or two.”
  2. Lady Giles, clothed all in black, observes another execution from afar. “That one made some disparaging remarks about us in a tavern,” she notes flatly, sighing. “Truth be told, this has all gotten so boring. The event’s over too quick, not to mention that people can’t learn their lesson when they’re dead. Active rehabilitation of these peasants - by which I mean frequent beatings - would be so much more efficient for the estate’s funds... and provide us with such lively entertainment.”
  3. The keeper of the estate’s keys, Heather Fripp, pulls you aside. “None of us can take much more of this,” she whispers. “Any one of the estate servants, not to mention the regular villagers, could be targeted next. If the threat of retribution wasn’t so ominous, I’d have locked them out of the house long ago. This is not normal. This is not right. On my life, I beg of you to close the shutters on this charade and remove these two tyrants from their positions of power.”
  4. “Why are local nobles in charge of executions, anyway?” interjects the court gardener, while planting an evergreen. “If we allow the nobility to maintain near-absolute power, it would only be a matter of time before they abuse their power in some other way. This overgrowth of corruption by our feudal lords must be uprooted and burned like a pernicious weed! If the national government takes back its shears of judicial power, the other nobles will think twice before setting themselves up to be pruned.”
  5. A yellow-robed jester approaches you, displaying gaudily-designed finger puppets on his right hand. Oddly enough, you notice the puppets bear a strong resemblance to a number of powerful Random Chaosian nobles. After a moment, the jester brings out his left hand, revealing more finger puppets that are dressed in rags and carry pitchforks and torches. Without saying a word, he pantomimes a fight between the two groups in which the peasants beat the nobles into submission and chase them away. Winking at you, he blends back into the crowd.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only the rich can afford the latest medical innovations.

2021-06-15 22:00

Private Lab Holds Random Chaos’s Sick to Ransom

Scientists at a private medical research laboratory have announced that they have produced a drug which will combat Random Chaos’s most notorious malady - Spon Plague.

  1. “This pill is the only known and unknown cure for the Spon Plague!” proclaims Professor Rey deCastro, the inventor of the cure. “But if we are to go ahead with the production of this drug, we must get some government support. We’re set to make a fortune from this drug - the money we earn will help us develop even more cures for other as-yet untreatable diseases. Some people won’t be able to afford it of course, but hard cheese on them: they should have got a paying job while they were still capable.”
  2. “That’s a disgraceful way to think!” says equal rights activist Zuko Laine. “So the people who need the most help shouldn’t get any? I propose that the government takes over the distribution of all drugs so everyone can benefit from them, rich or not! That way the money-hungry corporations won’t profit from the suffering of the masses. Of course there will be the matter of a small tax rise to fund it - but what’s that when lives will be saved?”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” deplores well-respected religious leader, Denethor Rudd. “If God didn’t want people to have this disease he wouldn’t have created it in the first place. This is completely against the will of God and if the government allows this drug to go on sale we will all be doomed to an afterlife in a dark and fiery place! Now let’s end this madness and abolish the production of pharmaceuticals and drugs altogether!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, elementary school students are required to master Bach's Chaconne in D before graduation.

2021-06-15 16:00

A-Major Debate

One of your advisers was caught referring to music education as “non-essential curriculum”. His comment has struck a chord, resulting in a chorus of suggestions for music education reform.

  1. “The notion that music programs are anything less than vital is nothing but treble- I mean trouble!” declares world-famous composer and local middle school orchestra director, Damien Holland. “This dissonant discourse not only puts the jobs of hard-working Random Chaosians at risk, but it also threatens the musical futures of our children! The school curriculum must include an emphasis on musical knowledge that all students will be required to participate in. Sure, strings do come attached — it won’t be cheap to buy musical instruments for every boy and girl in Random Chaos — but Random Chaosian musical tradition is on the line here!”
  2. “Now that’s just nonsense!” barks local high school basketball coach Jadzia Boothroyd. “Students learn far more from any sport than they do from playing little magic flutes. Youth are only properly taught discipline, determination, and decision-making skills from the challenges of playing on a team. As far as I’m concerned we should just save ourselves some money and cut music ed from the curriculum. After all, band geeks’ only purpose is to put people on the sidelines to cheer us on.”
  3. “That misses the point entirely,” yells famed Drill Sergeant Hardman, while jogging by with a platoon of soldiers belting out military cadences behind him. “The only reason why schools exist is to make loyal, productive citizens out of Random Chaosian children. In this regard, music education has been taught entirely in the wrong key. The curriculum should be revised with the goal of accentuating patriotic values in mind! Students should be required to learn and sing the nation’s praises, including our national anthem!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ten-year-olds are applying for lemonade stand operator licences.

2021-06-15 10:00

Do You Have Artistic License?

Disaster! The organizers of a charity dinner you are attending have been forced to cancel a scheduled stand-up routine by Jerry Fallon, famous comedian and headliner, because he has not renewed his entertainer’s license. During the commotion, several of the nation’s great and good also in attendance have come to your table to argue their positions on occupational licensing.

  1. “This shows why we must end licensing once and for all!” splutters Orson Parke, Chairman of the Random Chaosian Freer Enterprise Committee. “I ask you, who do you think is best placed to decide who is qualified? Some stuffed shirt bureaucrat sitting in a comfy office in Random Chaos City or the employer? Leave it up to the free market to decide! If folks don’t think much of a plumber, electrician or doctor then they’ll vote with their chips!”
  2. “Don’t listen to this laissez-faire claptrap,” sneers consumer advocate Tina vonBismarck, discreetly shoveling vol-au-vents into her pocket. “Occupational licensing protects consumers from incompetence and harm. We should be expanding the scope of licensing! Just look at the shoddy workmanship on these table decorations!”
  3. “My children’s babysitter doesn’t need a license to do a good job, but we obviously need to enforce certain standards for important professions where people’s lives are at stake - like doctors,” observes Dr. Carmen Cruise, President of the Random Chaosian Medical Association. “The best way to protect the public and to keep out the riff-raff is to require a letter of recommendation to the licensing board from established and respected associations, such as mine.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all streets are privately owned toll roads.

2021-06-15 04:00

Roads Like Roller Coasters, Complain Motorists

A group of local motorists have assembled outside of City Hall to protest against the shoddy state of roads in Random Chaos.

  1. “These roads are terrible!” shouts Shigeru Sandler, president of the Random Chaos Auto Club. “Every few feet there’s a crack, or a pothole, or a gravel patch, or the remains of someone else’s car! It’s really too much! And just look at this-” he adds, rubbing a nasty bruise on his forehead - “I got that from my rear-view mirror after flying over a bump on Main Street! These roads must be fixed! There really needs to be vast improvements made now, before anyone gets seriously hurt.”
  2. Sue-Ann Aran, avowed anti-spending advocate, disagrees: “Road construction? What a waste of chips! If people can still drive on them, then the roads are fine as they are. Spending more to make trivial repairs would just be a waste of the tax payers’ money! We should just ignore these whiners and leave the roads as they are and if the drivers don’t like that - well... then they can just learn to walk like the rest of us.”
  3. “Why on Earth is it the government’s responsibility to build and maintain roads?” asks bicyclist Beth Gates, pausing for breath. “Not all citizens own automobiles, you know. The government should be trying to make life better for all, not just car owners! If people want roads, then let private industry build them, and they can charge tolls to the people who actually drive on them. Leave the government out of it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, trails to natural wonders are littered with trash from reality film crews.

2021-06-14 22:00

What a Gneiss Place We’ve Got Here

A vast and seemingly endless new cave system has just been discovered in a remote section of Violetstone National Park! Despite not even having a name yet, petitioners are crowding your office telling you what to do with it.

  1. “I’m ready. Let’s do this!” shouts renowned adrenaline junkie, Weevil Knievel, waving a headlamp at you. “I am going to be the first person to ever explore this cave. It would be yet another feather in the cap of my already stellar career! Yes, I know it’s a nine day off-road trek into sensitive ecosystems. Yes, I know it will be fraught with danger and intrigue. That’s the whole point! Give me the green light... and, while you’re at it, a camera crew.”
  2. “You can’t be serious?” chastises Enrico Nahasapeemapetilon, the head of the advocacy group ‘No Safety, Know Pain’. “Who knows what kind of beasts and perils might be lurking in there? Imagine this, Leader: a good, wholesome Random Chaosian family, out having a picnic in the splendor of Violetstone National Park. Suddenly, a rare horn-billed gambler skitters by, distracting the parents. Their young son wanders off, gets lost in this deathtrap of a cave and dies! Do you want that hypothetical boy’s blood on your conscience? You must protect your citizens and seal this cave for our safety.”
  3. “Whoop-dee-doo, there’s a new cave! Get over it,” snorts Kendall Thiesen, one of Violetstone’s junior rangers. “You know what else is still there? Any number of trees, flowers, bunnies — you name it — all happily undisturbed by human activities. I say we keep it that way with a boost to the park budget. With more money, we can crack down on anyone who tries to illegally enter prohibited areas.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, homophobia is off the menu.

2021-06-14 16:00

Let Them Eat Rainbow Cake!

When high-profile lesbian celebrity Ellen Lynch was asked to leave popular establishment The Random Chaos City Diner, it was made clear to her that this was because she was dining with her lesbian partner. The restaurant owners refused to serve the homosexual couple, citing a conflict with their religious beliefs. This isn’t the first time something like this has been flagged by the press, but Lynch is keen to make some noise.

  1. “I have the right to my values!” shouts Ruby vanStraaten, the diner owner. “My grandfather, who opened this restaurant 50 years ago, was a man of faith. This faith gave him his love of family values and family dining. He believed homosexuality to be degenerate and sinful! I’m not saying that these people can’t sin in their own homes, but must I sit there watching them commit unholy acts in my business? What about my freedom to express religious belief? What about my economic rights as a business owner?”
  2. “We remain a minority whose voice never gets heard!” exclaims Ellen Lynch, on her nationally syndicated talk show. “It is my hope that the government enforces protection of LGBT individuals in these kinds of situations by forcing businesses to serve anyone, regardless of their sexuality. Religious bigotry has no place at our tables!”
  3. The Deputy Mayor of Random Chaos City, Alan Conway strides in, dashingly pink trench coat flapping in the breeze behind him. “The mayor won’t like this, but if we want Random Chaos to be a prestigious and progressive nation on the world stage, we’ve got to go even further! To cater for... that is to protect the rights of the gay community, we should establish zones in each restaurant or other service industry venture that are reserved exclusively for gay and lesbian people. Think of our standing in the international gay community! Think of the tourism! We’d be a shining beacon for gay culture!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is famous for bravely sending wave after wave of its soldiers until the enemy runs out of bullets.

2021-06-14 10:00

Armed and Unready

A small countryside skirmish against a score of bandit militiamen ended in a complete catastrophe, despite the deployment of two dozen Random Chaosian battle tanks and one hundred and fifty infantrymen. The Random Chaosian conscripts proved to be no match for their well-trained and motivated enemies. Unsurprisingly, the perceived quality of the nation’s soldiers has come under heavy fire.

  1. “Hang on, which end is it that we point at the bad guys?” asks clueless Private Gilbreth, haplessly staring down the barrel of an assault rifle in genuine confusion. “I give up! Look here, Leader, I’m just not cut out to be a soldier, neither is anyone else in my unit. You have millions of men who couldn’t hit the side of a barn with a battle tank main gun, even if the tank was parked in the barn! Couldn’t you let us prove our pride in our glorious nation by doing some good instead, like tending to the elderly, cleaning up the streets or peeling potatoes?”
  2. “Our military isn’t what it was in the good old days,” comments retired Drill Sergeant Meyer. “You should revisit basic drill and training. Concentrate on the fundamentals, like disciplined formation marching to the beat of a drum, standing up straight, keeping your uniform shiny, and having abuse shouted in your left ear.”
  3. “I think your approach is already correct,” wheedles Sam Stromburg, your sycophantic aide-de-camp. “In fact, the only issue we have is that we don’t conscript enough soldiers! With greater numbers, victory would be assured. For starters, I’m sure the elderly and the disabled would be proud to serve our great nation.”
  4. “Or you could go back to having a volunteer army,” mutters Karsang Caesar, hand-cuffed deserter and sole survivor of the recent massacre. “Look, I didn’t want to be a soldier anyway. I wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of... of... Anyway, ditch the draft.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's a lot of hot air coming from the Capitol Building.

2021-06-14 04:00

Better In Than Out

Your Justice Minister has raised a stink about public flatulence, and is proposing a new law to ban it.

  1. “We need to promote public decency!” demands Tom Quagmire, your Justice Minister. “Any person who vitiates the atmosphere in any place, to make it obnoxious to the public or to harm the well-being of people in surrounding areas, shall be guilty of a misdemeanour offence and shall be sentenced to a term of community service. If you need to pass wind, just go to a toilet.”
  2. “This is insane,” states Boromir Wiseau, your Solicitor General, discreetly shifting in his chair. “How any reasonable or sensible person could think that criminalizing flatulence in public would be a good idea is beyond me. We are a civilized nation. Just make sure that every one is taught to do it as discreetly as possible when they need to. Simply raise your right buttock ever so slightly and let it out gently, ideally without bringing any attention to yourself.”
  3. Grace duPont, who was recently banned from the Random Chaos City subway for farting too much, has her say and smell. “Hey! Leader, pull my finger!” Even though you don’t comply, she still lets forth a thunderous, horrible noise that fills the room with a titanic stench. “Oh my god, did I just squash a frog? That one wasn’t too bad; it’s the silent but deadly ones that get you! Everyone knows that letting them rip is good for your health — better out than in, right? We should let everyone know it’s okay to sound off, maybe even subsidize some kind of ‘Wind Festival’. Smells like a good time to me!”
  4. “Wait, did someone say gas?” asks your Energy Minister, Louis Little, while holding his nose. “We should distribute methane capture devices and make it compulsory for every citizen to... uh... plug one in. We could then capture this natural resource, and reduce our dependence on fossil fuels!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, exports of chewing gum are inexplicably falling.

2021-06-13 22:00

The Immortal Cells of Mrs. Gratwick

Two generations ago, scientists took a biopsy of a tumor from a cancer patient named Elizabeth Gratwick, who died soon after. Without her knowledge or consent, these cells were preserved in the laboratory and proved to be exceptionally stable in replication. As stable cancer cell lines are highly useful for medical research, “ElGr cells” have been sent to and used by scientists all over the world. However, objections are now being raised by Elizabeth’s descendants.

  1. “We thought my poor grandmother’s remains had been buried in accordance with her wishes,” growls Elizabeth’s direct descendant, Catherine Gratwick. “Can’t you let her rest in peace? This is her body that you’re messing with. You can’t just irradiate and poison her; you must ask me first! How would you like it if your family’s remains were exhumed and mutilated? You must never use cells from deceased people without the explicit pre-mortem consent of the patient or their relatives. As for granny - I insist that all remaining samples of her be buried, and that you financially compensate her family for the pain and grief you have caused!”
  2. “No! ElGr cells are a scientific miracle!” cries biologist Marleen North, jiggling a beaker full of purplish goop as she waves her arms in exasperation. “These cells have been a breakthrough; not only in testing cures for cancer, but also in understanding how cancer develops and functions! All these years later, these cells keep chugging along, outliving all the others! Who knows, with these cells, we might even one day unlock a path to immortality! Are you going to let bureaucracy get in the way of SCIENCE?”
  3. “This stuff is funny!” giggles your niece, squishing her fingers in the goop. “It’s all warm, gluey, and bouncy! Someone should be turning out this stuff for kids to play with, or as sticky putty to stick posters to walls, or whatever. You’ve got, like, an infinite supply of it, so that’s good economics, right?”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the latest Harry Potter book is a bestseller.

2021-06-13 16:00

Harry Potter Censorship Row

The latest “Harry Potter” book to hit schools across Random Chaos has stirred up the greatest controversy yet.

  1. “I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding,” says religious leader Grace Fallon. “Now that’s just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it.”
  2. Teachers union President Louis Malik says, “Come on, the book is fantasy! And it’s a damn good read. I’d like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from religious wackos, like Christians.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, animal liberationists receive government funding to break into animal research labs.

2021-06-13 10:00

Scientists Declare That Gamblers Are Persons

Recent research into gambler intelligence reveals that they have several characteristics associated with human intelligence. There is apparently evidence of advanced object permanence, capacity for empathy, self-awareness, problem solving, and even a language system. Voices in Random Chaos are now demanding that the government should grant them legal personhood.

  1. “These animals are both sentient and intelligent,” says Larry Fernandez of the Council for the Study of Animal Intelligence, while desperately trying to play Scrabble with a gambler. “In all important ways they meet our standards for personhood. The government must therefore declare them legal persons with some basic civil rights. That means no more cages, needles or circus shows; they must have full bodily liberty.” He looks down at the board: “Hey, wait a minute, ‘DEAT’ isn’t a word!”
  2. “You’re not seriously going to listen to this quack, are you?” shouts Georgina Martin, Great Big Bahpoo of the Cult of Cyan, a religious group so esoteric they make Violetism seem straightforward. “So what if gamblers are intelligent? Were they given dominion over the earth and all its inhabitants? No, those things were given to us, humanity. These animals are here to cater to our basic needs, like carrying heavy loads, or teaching them how to juggle and selling them to the circus. Gambler personhood? What blasphemy. You’d be better off stripping them of any ‘animal’ rights they have today.”
  3. “Don’t listen to that human supremacist,” quips Mallory Johnson of the Animal Liberation Front, while donning a ski-mask and grabbing her bolt cutters. “However, merely granting gamblers personhood is not going far enough. We must give them full citizenship! You should allow elections as well, and let them vote and represent themselves in our government, free from human interest and according to their own concerns. Sure, it’ll be a tad complicated, and expensive. Voter registration might prove troublesome, and we need to figure out exactly how they would vote. But that’s the price we must pay to defeat speciesism once and for all! What’s that? Oh, yeah I guess humans should be allowed to vote too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government strictly regulates whale harvest quotas.

2021-06-13 04:00

A Whale of a Problem

Following a two hour TV exposé on the growing incidence of whaling off Random Chaos’s shores, environmentalists are up-in-arms and pressing the government to outlaw the practice.

  1. “Whales are being exploited by soulless capitalists!” screams infamous environmental activist Dorothy Santos. “These majestic creatures are a crucial part of the food chain. Do you have any idea what damage their extinction would cause? End this barbaric business, or have the blood of innocent creatures on your hands forever!”
  2. “Whale meat is a part of our culture,” says Jeffrey Assange, owner of a top-rated seafood restaurant in Random Chaos City. “It’s one of the staple foods of Random Chaos. The whaling market is booming! Half my menu is whale! A ban on whaling would destroy the entire seafood industry. Listen, the ocean is chock-full of whales - in fact, some may say there are too many whales. If anything, we should abolish any marine animal protection laws we’ve got left.”
  3. “QUOTAS!” yells Naomi Gibson, one of your top advisors, snapping out of a stupor. “We allow whaling up to a certain quota limit. We can meet with some marine biologists and figure out a number that both maintains the whale population and allows restaurants to get their main dish. Of course, it’ll require a boost in funding to the coast guard to make sure these whalers are sticking to the quota, but what’s a few chips to save the whales?”
  4. “It’s not enough!” bellows Urkyen Merkel, head of the radical anti-whaling group Ocean Overseers while menacing you with a handful of rancid butter. “The government needs to allow armed intervention against these seafaring murderers! We can bring film crews along and make a reality TV show out of it! Oh, sure, some people on whaling vessels might get hurt or even killed, but that’s just what people who exploit nature for money deserve!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teenagers stay out into the wee hours of the morning "stargazing".

2021-06-12 22:00

Space Spectacular Sours Small Stargazers

After the recent, well publicized collision of the comet Maxima with Mars, the National Association of Adolescent Astronomers has demanded a meeting with you over the national curfew requiring all citizens to be in their houses by sundown.

  1. “It’s outrageous!” screams NAAA President Cho Martinez, “How are we supposed to study the night sky if our own government won’t let us stay out past six? Do you know how many other astronomical wonders we’ve missed because we can’t go outside? This curfew is suffocating our sense of wonder and stifling our curiosity. Is that what you want, Leader, a nation of un-inquisitive drones? You must see reason and repeal this curfew.”
  2. “You aren’t seriously considering this, are you?” asks Random Chaos City’s Chief of Police Heston Smiley, “Since we implemented this curfew, youth-related crime has plummeted! What other government intervention has that kind of success rate? The elderly no longer live in fear of being mugged by teenage hooligans. Mailboxes stand majestically unmolested. Look, I’m sorry these rapscallions can’t look at supernovas and what not, but the numbers don’t lie. If a few extra-curricular activities have to suffer to make the streets safer, then so be it.”
  3. “Now, now, surely the two sides can strike some sort of compromise,” says noted radio talk show host Matilda Bonaparte, “Considering the statistics, you can’t repeal the curfew altogether, but these kids raise a good point: the current curfew is far too draconian. What you should do is establish an official channel to request permission to stay out after dark. That way those who have legitimate reasons can be out after dark, and the crime rate won’t rise. Quite an elegant solution if I do say so myself. True, it will require a slight tax increase, but you can’t please everyone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military perceives nations hit by natural disasters as "easy pickings".

2021-06-12 16:00

A “Friend” in Need

The aggressive nation of Blackacre has been struck with a series of massive natural disasters that have killed tens of thousands and destroyed sanitation, transit, and economic infrastructure, with the likely consequence of great suffering for millions in the coming months. This has presented you with the moral quandary of whether or not you should come to the aid of a nation that has frequently declared its hatred for Random Chaos and the Random Chaosian way of life.

  1. “Well, it serves them darn well right!” shouts your infuriated Minister of Defense, furiously kicking your expensive imported mahogany desk and sending your papers flying. “An eye for an eye, I say! They insulted us multiple times, and they got what they deserved. As a matter of fact, now is the perfect time to truly pay them back for their slander of our great nation! They want aid? How about we aid them by sending some missiles aimed right at their capital? That’ll show them!”
  2. “Not that I don’t agree with Mr. Compassionate over here, but that particular method only seems to stir up unwanted trouble,” notes Agnes Cumberbatch, Random Chaos’s top chess master and military strategist. “Frankly, there’s a much better way of making our point without causing so much international outcry. Why not provide them aid, but so much of it that they become dependent on us for survival? Flood them with food, but do nothing to help their farmers. Supply them with power, but don’t build power infrastructure. Then, when they’ve lost any capacity to support themselves, start charging them! We can look good internationally while secretly waging war against their economy.”
  3. “It’s just too much effort these days to try to take over another country,” sighs Doménikos Kirk, former soldier and current aide to the Minister of Foreign Affairs. “For that matter, it’s too much effort to even provide aid when we have so much to focus on here. Crime, poverty, resources, and all that. It’s a shame what’s happened, but we aren’t the only nation in the world. Let’s cut all aid. There’s probably some other nation that’ll be foolish enough to help them out, anyway.”
  4. “Regardless of what Blackacre’s government’s actions have been in the past, there are millions of innocent civilians who are going to be harmed or even killed,” suggests your secretary while cleaning the mess of papers off your desk. “How would you feel if you were homeless and hungry, and others turned a blind eye? This is a humanitarian disaster. We need to send aid and do whatever we can to help. Helping them is the moral thing to do, and that’s all there is to it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, private businesses are paving paradises to put up parking lots.

2021-06-12 10:00

Keep the Greenbelt Green, Say Protesters

A group of environmentalists are protesting against plans to expand urban and suburban developments into greenbelts, the designated countryside between settlements.

  1. “Do we really have to listen to these nutcases?” asks real estate developer, Melissa Wheeler. “The fact of the matter is that nature is BORING. Give us permission to build on the greenbelt and you’ll have pink hotels, boutiques, and swinging hot spots that’ll be the envy of the region and draw tourists from all around! We can always transplant a few trees and put them in a tree museum to keep the tree-huggers happy. Random Chaos stands to make a lot of money from this!”
  2. “I agree with my colleague here, but he doesn’t go far enough,” says Tandi Dodinas, a city planner. “These protestors are standing in the path of progress. It slows the growth of our economy and harms my portfolio - er - the future of our nation, I mean. It’s unpatriotic and we should increase police funding to deal with these troublemakers. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about greenbelts or any other nonsense about keeping the ‘environment’ safe.”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” exclaims environmental activist Bartholomew LeChiffre. “Tree museums? Police funding? Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone? We’re talking about natural treasures and you’re talking about destroying them. Is there anything that you can build that can really be better than nature? We should put a stop to all encroachment into natural areas.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bilingual Random Chaosians are viewed with suspicion.

2021-06-12 04:00

On the Fence

At the start of the Marche Noire Civil War, Kendall Ross moved her family to the relative safety of Random Chaos. She stayed behind so that she could wind down her engineering business and make sure the children in the orphanage she ran all made it to safety. Her plan to rejoin her family was thwarted, however, when you instituted the immigration ban.

  1. “The pain this poor woman has gone through is astounding!” claims the author of the article that made Kendall a national story. “This woman had to escape death camps in Marche Noire and the blazing sun in Althaniq in search of freedom, only to be separated from her family by you. Whatever their nationality, we shouldn’t be a country that divides families. Lift the ban on immigration!”
  2. “Random Chaos shouldn’t divide families, no,” remarks nationalist politician Per al-Assad, while munching on a piece of Willy Wenko’s best chocolate. “However, we must fight to maintain our national identity, and immigration will only undermine this. Let’s re-unite the families of people like Kendall Ross - by sending them and their families back to wherever it is they came from!”
  3. “Well, this is quite the dilemma, isn’t it?” interjects Violet Franklin, your Minister of Finding Loopholes, looking up from a copy of the latest tax plan. “We don’t like immigrants, but we can’t be the nation that divides families, and we shouldn’t deport people who came here legally. I’ve got it! Let’s allow immigration, but only to the relatives of citizens.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the request to "give us our daily bread" can only be fulfilled six days out of seven.

2021-06-11 22:00

A Right Not to Work?

High ranking officials and devout followers of a major religion have requested that the government close down retail stores during their weekly holy day, in accordance with their religious views.

  1. “It’s written in our sacred texts that our creator took the seventh day for rest, and so should we!” says Zebediah Bell, a devout follower of a major religion. “To work on this day is an insult to our creator, and I think the last thing Random Chaos needs is eternal damnation. Shut down all retail stores on holy days! Besides, who wants to work then anyway?”
  2. “I’m afraid that’s not going far enough,” adds David Grimes, a high-ranking official in the Synod of Zealous Religious Fanatics. “This shouldn’t apply to just retail stores. Everything must be shut down! Hospitals, government agencies, police, and other emergency services. Sure, it’ll be dangerous and likely cause some death, but saving our souls from eternal damnation should be our priority. Random Chaos must do all it can to appease the almighty Creator.”
  3. “You’re not really going to listen to what these nutjobs are proposing, are you?” asks Jenna Myers, your atheist economic adviser. “Think about the damage this would cause to the economy. Isn’t that more important than appeasing a few nuts? If anything, we should be requiring that all retail stores remain open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Just think of all that unlimited shopping time!”
  4. Slacker freelance food reviewer Nebuchadnezzar Taylor, still in pajamas and eating a pizza slice on a ratty couch, sends you a video chat invitation. “Dude, why not just give everybody shorter work weeks? Make flex time, telecommuting, and 35-hour work weeks mandatory for all us working folk. Trust me, the people will love you for it man!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pootling steam trains carry delighted tourists and frustrated businessmen from city to city at a snail's pace.

2021-06-11 16:00

Bullet Time

Regular traffic congestion within Random Chaos’s interstate highways has resulted in a flurry of petitions being sent to you demanding the development of a Maglev bullet train connecting the nation’s major cities. Apparently there was going to be a demonstration outside your front door as well, but the protesters got stuck in traffic.

  1. Moments before you are about to go home after a long day at work, an intruder intercepts you at your front door. His face is a deeper shade of red than the sunset outside your window. He yells at you: “Eight hours! Do you have any idea how it feels to sit in traffic for eight hours? Be quiet! How can I do good work when the commute takes the whole day? Listen, most other developed nations already have high-speed, high-efficiency railway systems, and not having one is not doing us any favors, economically or for our mental health. We Need Bullet Trains! Give us Bullet Trains!”
  2. “That angry fellow is correct, you know...” says Finlay Svensson, an agreeable businesswoman who gently guides the furious commuter to the back door, “but who is to say the burden of the cost should be on the government’s back? Me and my colleagues in Budget Rail Incorporated can get Random Chaos high speed connections with no cost to your taxpayers. We’ve got suppliers of nearly-new metal, fairly decent quality second-hand trains, engines that almost passed emission standards. We’ve even identified which arable land owners you’ll need to force to sell to us to make this service fast and profitable. Just sign, quickly, here, here, here, and umm... initials here...”
  3. “You can’t do it!” groans Tadek Carpenter, ecologically minded pop-musician with the recent #1 hit I Hugged A Tree and I Liked It. “Mother Nature gives us love, and look at how we treat Her. We’re binding her flesh with steel rails. I mean, forests, the trees, all that... they give us oxygen and stuff. Dodge the bullet, save the world!”
  4. “Slow down, now. Slow down, all...” says Bartholomeus Horner, a villager visiting the big city for the first time. “More railways is a fine thing for all, but why have fancy high speed trains that zoom past all the interesting places on the way? I think you should be building a LOW speed rail, that stops at all the picturesque hamlets and towns, and brings visitors to them. Stop by Little Droppings - that’s my own town, by the way - and I’ll brew you a nice cup of tea.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, photos of picturesque coastal buildings are set against a backdrop of smokestacks and ship hulls.

2021-06-11 10:00

You Cruise, You Lose?

For years, small towns along the nation’s coast have been popular cruise ship destinations. However, with increasingly frequent visits by overwhelming numbers of passengers, one seaside town is attempting to ban all tourist vessels from stopping there.

  1. “These massive ships have polluted our coastal waters, driven away all the fish and caused sizeable erosion damage with their wakes,” declares Joe Kimmel, spokesperson for the town’s commercial fishing consortium. “My colleagues and I used to be able to make a decent living from harvesting the abundant resources of our coastal waters. But ever since these bilge-spewing behemoths started showing up, we’ve had to sail out farther and farther, and still can’t catch more than a few minnows. The only way to ensure our industry’s survival is to allow this ban to go through.”
  2. “Are you insane? Those tourists bring in tons of money,” sputters restaurant owner Nomathemba Roberts, drying a handful of utensils with a rag that looks dirtier than the floor. “I can charge these camera-toting cruisers five chips for a glass of water, and twelve for a sandwich — and they’ll happily pay it! The government should be encouraging tourism with an international advertising campaign.”
  3. “Businesses can’t function without customers, but we need corporate responsibility from the cruise line operators. What if we just apply fines every time they violate our town’s natural beauty?” suggests local police officer Victor Zoidberg, opening a new bag of plastic hand restraints labeled ‘now 20% more circulation-restricting!’ “Chemical pollution, constant noise, tourists urinating in the fountains — all of these abhorrent side effects can be curbed by giving local governments the power to issue punitive fines. Of course, you should also hold CEOs more directly accountable...” He twirls a pair of handcuffs with a grin on his face.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, heart attacks are regarded as a coming of age ritual.

2021-06-11 04:00

Feeding Frenzy

The latest episode of celebrity chef Ramsey Oliver’s massively popular television show “Lunch Box Revolution” has exposed the unhealthy junk food served in elementary and high schools, putting your government under pressure to act on childhood obesity.

  1. “We all know what the problem is, so why isn’t the government doing a #$%! thing about it?” decries Oliver from your TV screen. “We need to stop feeding our children junk food, like those $%#&! chicken chizzlers. Maybe the government can’t control what they have at home, but they can give them proper meals for school lunches. Force the schools to serve only nutritious meals and ban junk food from being sold in schools. It’s a !%&$# no-brainer! The $#%!@ soda industry might not like it, but they can go suck a lemon.”
  2. “Who says you can’t control what kids eat at home?” comments Han Roberts, one of your golf buddies, as he practices his swings. “You’d make it easier on parents if you mandated an official meal plan for children across Random Chaos. I know I’d be much happier if a professional was preparing my kids’ meals. Have you ever tasted my wife’s cooking? Think about it. Hmm, that’s probably a 7 Iron shot from here.”
  3. “Healthy food and meal plans aren’t the answer,” objects soccer mom and former Olympic athlete Yui Zoidberg, proudly displaying her gold medals. “The problem is that our glutinous hellspawn don’t get off their lazy butts to exercise. We need more PE classes! Mandatory athletic training! More funding for after school activities! If we educate parents and children about good health and exercise, then they will get healthier and stay healthier. Not to mention they’ll be the strongest and fastest in all of The Hatrackia!”
  4. “Here we go with the food police again,” sighs Burger Queen CEO Marcus Filoni as he chows down on a double bacon cheeseburger. “How about you health nuts stop telling me what food I can put in my body? These kids are perfectly capable of making their own choices. If they would rather enjoy one of our delicious burgers instead of some gross salad then who are we to stop them? Sure, they’ll probably have a heart attack or two by the time they’re my age, but it’s better to die fat and free than old and controlled!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, strange looking men with big red noses are found hiding behind bushes and inside dustbins.

2021-06-10 22:00

Circus Clowns Cause Chaos!

Rather than finding them funny, a recent survey shows that most children are actually afraid of clowns. The public is demanding that you do something to stop these terrifying menaces.

  1. “Kill them! Kill them all! Or... you know, just ban them,” opines noted sociologist Orville Rudd. “Better yet, why not ban all circuses from Random Chaos! Think about it, they’re distracting children from what’s important in life; namely, doing well in school, getting a job and contributing to the economy. That’s what’s important here!”
  2. “Banning clowns is a little extreme, if you ask me,” inputs your Minister for Culture, Tracy Alvarez. “I think what we need to do is educate children about what clowns actually do. Tell them they aren’t scary and that what they do is actually beneficial! After all, happy kids are less likely to go down the path of crime, which means less spending goes to the police and more funds can be diverted to somewhere important - like my Department!”
  3. “It’s not always about the kids,” mumbles a red-nosed man in the corner. “Think of us clowns! We have to put up with the kids screaming, and shouting and hurling things at us. How would you feel if you were dressed up like a fool and paraded in front of 8-year-olds! The Government needs to create a program to treat us clowns for depression - you don’t know what it’s like, man. You weren’t there!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the inside lane of every highway is for parked vehicles only.

2021-06-10 16:00

Resting in Peace

Truck drivers are complaining that designated highway rest areas are always full, and many have taken to parking by the roadside.

  1. “Reckless parking can cause deadly accidents — for example, two nights ago a car collided with an articulated truck parked on the highway ramp, causing a four car pile-up and five casualties,” reports patrol officer Eddard Hawkins. “While that driver was prosecuted for vehicular manslaughter, there ought to be stricter punishments for inconsiderate parking, even when no accident ensues. Increase the police budget, and empower us to issue punitive on-the-spot penalty notices, and we’ll end this problem once and for all.”
  2. “What else can we do?” asks big rig driver Kathleen Osborne, who had been blocking your front door with her afternoon nap. “There’s a big shortage of parking spaces at designated rest areas, forcing us to park wherever we can. Prosecution will not solve this problem, more parking spaces for me and my colleagues will.”
  3. “People should buy more local produce instead,” suggests Onya Baike, from the eco-advocate organisation Carbon Counts. “We propose that you should tax cargo-carrying road vehicles increasing amounts proportional to the fuel used in transportation. I’m sure rising costs create rising prices, which will change consumer behaviour, which will mean less haulage traffic on the road, which means no parking problems.”
  4. “What if a parked truck didn’t block the road?” muses 8-year-old Oswald Vargas, playing with his toy cars. “Trucks should have fold-out ramps at the front and back of their trucks so cars can safely drive over them when they’re parked. Even if you’ve got lots of trucks parked back-to-back, you could link their ramps together and make a rooftop road!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, stealing from a clothesline is a serious offence.

2021-06-10 10:00

Thora and Eloise

The cross-country crime-spree of two women, Thora Dobbs and Eloise Mulholland, kept the nation hooked to their TV sets for several days, and ended in tragedy with their joint suicide pact. The unfolding story has given the pair a strange anti-hero celebrity status, with many tearful and sighing fans laying flower wreaths and shell-casings around the burnt out wreck of their car. The press are awaiting a statement from your office on the matter.

  1. “It’s clear,” says Kellyanne Modi, of popular feminist panel-show HERstory, “that Ms. Dobbs and Ms. Mulholland were making a protest against the phallocentric values that dictate our outdated laws.” She waves her hands for applause, momentarily forgetting that she’s not in the television studio. “Uh... We should applaud them.”
  2. “But this isn’t daubing some graffito,” says Beth Sulu, the so-called Hanging Judge of Random Chaos City. “These gals weren’t Robin Hood. They robbed seventeen convenience stores, shot three people, and stole clothes from my Mama’s washing line. Let’s call a spade a spade, here: they’re evil. They deserved to plunge off the Gambler Viaduct.”
  3. “Let’s be honest,” mansplains Pax Campbell, the proudly chauvinistic author of Men are Divine, Women are Slime, as he pushes in front of the previous two speakers, “this all began the moment those young ladies got in that car. Had two unchaperoned girls been kept from doing that, this mess would never have happened. Well, there’s only one sane, logical answer to that... Don’t let womenfolk drive anymore.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, attempted suicide is punishable by public hanging.

2021-06-10 04:00

Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide

The nation is in mourning after beloved cultural icon Johnny Brazeau was found dead of apparent suicide in his Tasmanian beachhouse. New details have emerged that his eccentric and happy-go-lucky public persona was masking chronic depression, thrusting mental illness into the public spotlight.

  1. “Clearly, Mr. Brazeau was suffering from severe depression,” says world-renowned psychiatrist Dr. Luka Belcher. “This is symptomatic of a deep-seated epidemic of unreported mental illness across The Hatrackia. Mental health services have been underfunded for decades, and it is about time that the government stepped in to provide proper mental healthcare for the nation. We desperately need evidence-based CBT, more psychiatrists, and proper education to finally rid ourselves of this stigma surrounding mental health. You can’t put a price on the nation’s wellbeing.”
  2. “Johnny Brazeau’s death is a tragedy, but we all know his songs contained subliminal pro-suicide messages,” says moral crusader Sabrina Griffin, who is well known for egging blasphemers and burning effigies of politicians. “People across Random Chaos now know that an idolized national treasure selfishly took his own life. What kind of message does that send, especially to kids? This shameless act is only going to convince them that suicide is cool. Suicide must be made illegal, and only the ultimate punishment will deter people from this sin. We need to teach our children that life, regardless of how much you’re suffering, is always the answer.”
  3. “Haha, the freak finally did himself in. That’s very droll,” laughs insensitive city worker Amelia Murphy, who was recently laid off for making countless inappropriate jokes on the job. “Yes, of course people are down in this nation, but if you want to cheer us up, give the people a tax cut. Stop wasting money on welfare and all this mental health rubbish. Give us our money back, and we’ll make ourselves happy.”
  4. “It’s a tragedy of course, but also an opportunity,” suggests professional spin doctor Eliot Tavener, handing you a bottle of fake tears. “If we play our cards right, we can create a distraction from hard-to-sell government policies. Make a speech with a single tear rolling down your cheek and visit the widow to bring a wreath and a spontaneous hug. We can make bad news work to improve your public image.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, political activists are routinely executed.

2021-06-09 22:00

People Request Not So Much Dictatorship, if That’s All Right

While effusively praising Random Chaos’s leadership and bowing repeatedly, a delegation has humbly requested that the government take a more “modernistic” view in the future.

  1. The High Minister for Finance, who also happens to be your brother, dismisses the claim. “What these people fail to realize is that you know what’s best for them. The alternative is anarchy! I say stick to your course. And execute these wackos for treason.”
  2. “Perhaps the people could be given some more political freedoms,” muses your Chief of Staff, who is your sister. “Is there really such harm in allowing public discussion of ideas? We could even have a real Opposition Party. One that isn’t just full of your puppets, I mean.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children grow up long before the paperwork for their lemonade stands can be sorted out.

2021-06-09 18:30

A Really Sour Lemon

While walking down the street, you notice a lemonade stand consisting of a few cardboard boxes, a pitcher of murky yellow liquid, and a crude rendition of lemons wrought in yellow crayon on paper. Taped to one of the boxes is a prominent notice from the local government, which states that this venture was closed for not meeting standard economic, health, and safety regulations.

  1. A small, plucky child approaches you while holding a yellow drink and a sticky cash jar that is labeled ‘Property of Isabelle.’ “Do you want some lemonade? I’ll gladly give you a cup for free!” She looks forlornly at the government notice. “The big scary man who shut down my stand said I can’t sell lemonade anymore. He said something about healthy safety reg... reg-yoo-lay-shuns. But I always use a strainer to fish out the bugs... honest! Can me and my friends please sell things again?”
  2. “Ahah! I’m glad I caught you, Leader,” shouts sharply dressed bureaucrat Severian Watts while removing a copy of the Compendium of Fruit-Based Beverage Sales Regulations: Volume 8 from his briefcase. “The owner here has failed to comply with our public health policies, the stand itself could collapse at any moment, and don’t even get me started on the irregular lemon juice to sugar ratio! For our laws to be fair, they must apply to everyone. The Lemon-Ade Corporation certainly has to comply — why should it be any different for the kids?”
  3. “Don’t be such a sourpuss; it wouldn’t kill you to buy one of these, y’know,” suggests random bystander Stanislawa Day, swiping the lemonade out of the kid’s hand. “In fact, I don’t see why children should get special treatment. As long as folks aren’t making a buttload of money off of somethin’, people of all ages should be able to sell products unregulated! And while you’re at it, maybe ease off of some of the other million business regulations that are throttling the free market.” She takes a sip from the lemonade, chokes, and stumbles backward into the cardboard boxes with enough force to smash them.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, getting an autograph has become harder than ever.

2021-06-09 10:00

Is the Signature Always Right?

It took approvals for dubious government expenses claims, the surprising discovery of your name endorsing documents you have never seen, and your niece getting away with cutting school before government officials realized your signature had been forged. Now your office is, as usual, full of advisers willing to give their two pens on the issue.

  1. “This is the result of insufficient security checks,” suggests Jadzia Barber, your Minister of Complicating Things. “If every signature across the nation required a counter-signature, forgery-resistant inks, a DNA test, family history checks, and an authenticity report produced by a staffer of my Ministry, I can ensure such forgeries would become a thing of the past!”
  2. “Did you know that in medieval Maxtopia, anybody caught counterfeiting was boiled to death?” states your brother, carrying a history tome under his arm. “I say, great minds think alike, so why not re-introduce this practice? Nobody who inks straight will dare forge your signature if they knew they’d risk being put to death in atrocious suffering!”
  3. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” whispers your Minister of Shady Things Murat Goldsmith, clad in an ink-black suit. “Imagine if we hired these counterfeiters and asked them to forge your political opponents’ signatures. The whole concept of consent would be in our... I mean your hands now.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Department of Health is snowed under by requests for crisper ciabatta and tenderer tagliatelle.

2021-06-09 04:00

A Matter of Loaf and Death

Following a sale on gluten-free goods at the N’Ever Fresh chain of supermarkets, the shelves were stripped of all but a packet of gluten-free gravy granules and a slightly-stale baguette. The hungry coeliacs of Random Chaos claim these items were not bought by fellow gluten-intolerants, but by fad dieters.

  1. “These selfish shoppers are taking the bread from the mouth of my starving child. Literally!” rants Woody Vercingetorix, the parent of Commodus, a recently-diagnosed boy with coeliac disease. “I mean, it just takes the cake! Not only does he have to suffer this lifelong condition – munching on cardboard-like gluten-free bread while all his friends chow down on pasta salads and soft loaves – but some airhead who thinks gluten-free is a lifestyle choice comes and strips the shelves. Not to mention that gluten-free stuff costs twice as much! You should limit these gluten-free products to diagnosed coeliacs, and issue government coupons to pay for these foods to legitimate customers, so parents can always put a whole meal on the table.”
  2. “If this man had a grain of sense, he’d realise that these half-baked ideas would cripple the national budget,” asserts your Minister of Finance, hiding his gluten-free sliced white bread in a drawer. “If they can’t find or afford gluten-free breads and pastas, there are plenty of naturally gluten-free foods such as rice and potatoes that they can buy instead. Simply issue a few leaflets that doctors can hand out to their patients about cheap foods that are naturally gluten-free.”
  3. “I think that’s a really crummy idea!” complains Iris Kiefaber, author of the food sceptic’s handbook Inconsiderate ‘Intolerances’ and Awkward ‘Allergies’: Why Won’t the Whiners Simply Swallow Their Fare?. “We shouldn’t pander to these people. These so-called special diets have gone past a joke, what with restaurants offering ‘gluten-free’ and ‘dairy-free’ and ‘nut-free’ choices. And why? For some mewling, puking babies that use made-up diseases to get special attention, and for the Big Pharma companies that pay researchers to back up their claims and boost their own profits. I say we go against the grain and reject that these clearly-fabricated diseases even exist. Then, we’ll reap the benefits of plain old-fashioned common sense.”
  4. “Look, that idiot is clearly is a slice short of a loaf,” observes actress Gwendolyn Ripley, whose allergen-free cookbook - The Skinny Minnie Diet Plan - is due out next week. “It’s well-known that a gluten-free diet is an essential baseline for every person who wants to maintain maximum health, lose weight and be basically awesome. A gluten-free diet needn’t be boring. You can do so much: mung bean chilli, mung bean casserole, daal with mung beans in it. You should incentivise retailers so they switch to manufacturing only good gluten-free food, so that all of Random Chaos can benefit.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, medical experts advise that those claiming to be medical experts are probably fraudsters.

2021-06-08 22:00

Quacking Up

A cancer patient has died after taking the advice of Sophie Night, an alternative therapist of dubious qualification. The patient rejected traditional medicine in favor of her ‘secret cure’, which was revealed to be healing crystals, giving up ‘radiation-causing technology’, and living on a diet of raw onions. Questions have been raised about whether restrictions should be put on alternative treatments.

  1. “Poppycock!” scoffs your physician, Doctor Richardson, raising her eyebrow witheringly. “These so-called alternative therapies do nothing but destroy the integrity of real medicine, where trained doctors with real degrees — not this nutcase who bought her diploma from an alleyway in Maxtopia — use empirical evidence that’s collected over decades. Stop this pillaging of science. Ban these literal snake oil salespeople from peddling false hope and telling the desperate and ill anything for a quick buck!”
  2. “Lies and slander!” trills Ms. Night, as she uses a small model of a frowning-face cancer cell as a stress ball. “If this layman is finished, I can explain. All diseases are caused by stress and poor immunity. Even cancer. And all can be cured by removing the stress — those depressing outside influences, that job you never wanted, a nagging family member — and a diet high in immune-boosting antioxidants. Too much stress! That’s all there is to it.”
  3. “The problem is not alternative therapy itself, but rather that it is being promoted as a cure for cancer,” declares acupuncturist Cindy Yoo, while pulling needles out of one of your interns’ back. “It is charlatanism on which we must clamp down, including glib peddlers of easy answers such as Ms. Night. The prestigious Medical Association of Brancaland uses acupuncture to relieve the side-effects caused by cancer and its treatments, such as pain and fatigue. We must allow alternative therapists, trained to nationally recognisable standards, to help patients where there is sound evidence that it works.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation refuses to provide international aid.

2021-06-08 16:00

International Community Comes Doorknocking

The international community has appealed to Random Chaos to increase humanitarian aid to the world’s poorer nations.

  1. “We must increase foreign aid,” says beaded local peace activist Paris Huxley. “Compared to some of these nations, Random Chaos is swimming in chips. Let’s face it, not every nation in the world is lucky enough to have a government like ours. Let’s show some compassion to our less economically gifted neighbors.”
  2. “Talk about a way to flush chips straight down the toilet,” argues Think Tank member Winston Poindexter. “What I’ve noticed is that whenever we do give something, it’s never enough: a few years later they’re back asking for more. The best way to help these poor nations is to stop shielding them from the logical consequences of their idiotic, long-debunked socialist economic policies.”
  3. “Relief wouldn’t hurt us... if we ‘relieved’ the right countries,” suggests government advisor Clint Wells. “We give them a little humanitarian aid, they give us access to their Tourism markets... it’s win-win. Nothing wrong with a little quid pro quo, especially for a good cause.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a new generation of aquariumless hotels are being built under government supervision.

2021-06-08 11:30

“Tourism Tanking!” Trumpet Tabloids

Following a public safety disaster of unimaginable magnitude - so extreme that members of your government only mention it in hushed voices, and then only in the vaguest of terms - the Random Chaosian tourist industry has hit the rocks. Commentators from all walks of life have come to your office to offer their opinions.

  1. “The government has to step in and do something, for once!” demands tour operator Vera James, visibly pulling her hair out. “If we’d had proper railings on the marina, that shark would never have gotten into the oil refinery in the first place! The government has to put better regulations in place to make sure disasters of this kind never happen again. And if we want to coax back the tourists we’ve lost, we need a whole bunch of new state-subsidised hotels, parks and tourist attractions. Shark-proof ones. Our economy will never survive without it!”
  2. “Why waste more money?” grumbles middle-aged industrialist Bongani Pound, chomping on a fat cigar. “Look. I’m as sorry as the next schmuck for those poor farmers’ ant epidemic. But we’ve got to realise that tourism is just not our strong suit; and that’s not going to change, no matter how much the state spends. Hell, if the government really wanted to do something to fix our economy, it’d be to give everyone a healthy tax-cut and get rid of some of that environmental legislation - set up for the benefit of a bunch of tree-hugging foreigners, I might add.”
  3. “I think I’ve got another solution to this problem,” says your shadiest government advisor, waving a magazine spread of bathing beauties sunning themselves at the Random Chaos City Grand Regent. “Now we’re not goin’ to be able to hide the fact that Random Chaos City is now covered in pink frosting, but... what if the inspectors an’ tour guides an’ all those types of folks just didn’t notice all that mess? After all, we don’t have the money to clear it all up, but I think we do have just about enough to dangle a few chips in front of anyone who wants to give our nation a good review. After all, a few firm golden handshakes never hurt no-one.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government-run brothels can be found on every street corner.

2021-06-08 04:00

Give the Red Light District the Green Light?

After a recent survey discovered that nearly 40% of all citizens in Random Chaos are single, there has been an increasingly loud call for the legalisation of prostitution.

  1. “I just can’t get a girl no matter what I do,” laments acne-afflicted nerd, Edgar Little. “If the cops would just look the other way about prostitution, it’d make my life much easier. Yeah, I’d be risking all sorts of diseases, but it’s my body isn’t it?”
  2. “We can’t allow this to happen!” protests Dr. Pietro Serling, senior pathologist of Random Chaos’s largest hospital. “Prostitution is a dangerous business and must remain illegal! People need to be more aware of the consequences that could follow like the risk of contracting HIV, chlamydia, or even syphilis. I say we get some funding for a large awareness programme on sexually transmitted diseases and maybe then people will act responsibly between the covers. It’ll be expensive sure, but well worth it.”
  3. “Not so fast now!” interjects daring entrepreneur, Wendy Barker. “Why don’t we just have the prostitution industry run by the government? By letting the government regulate prostitution, Random Chaos can force any patrons to undergo tests for diseases, make prostitutes have regular medical check-ups and pay a portion of their earnings to the government. Of course we’d still have to put more policemen on the streets to keep illegal brothels from popping up and make sure the hospitals are equipped to handle the extra workload, but you can always raise taxes to account for that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, class clowns are frequently listed among the most dangerous criminals in the nation.

2021-06-07 22:00

Happy Pranksgiving!

The wildly popular RCBC television series Prankyard Wars has long depicted a lovable team of practical jokers attempting to out-do each other with harmless mischief. However, following a recent dip in ratings, their increasingly elaborate antics led to the accidental incineration of a public park, several houses, and most of the local fire station’s equipment.

  1. “It was just a prank, Leader!” wails one of the jokers in question, Ken “Gambler-Butt” Rifkin. “You can’t hold us liable for it! We just thought ‘FOOF’ sounded like a funny chemical name... you know, like ‘You got FOOFed!’ How were we supposed to know it makes pretty much everything it touches burst into flames? People need to lighten up and consider our intentions before grabbing their pitchforks!”
  2. “Dioxygen difluoride is one of the most dangerous chemicals in existence. We cannot allow this kind of irresponsible behavior!” roars police chief Wulfric Yossef, wildly flailing about with his baton. “They cannot possibly have acquired it without knowing exactly what it does! Let me bring them up on chemical weapons charges, and we’ll see who’s laughing when they get convicted as the terrorists they are. We must have zero tolerance for these so-called ‘pranksters.’”
  3. “We all know that the people making the decisions aren’t the screen talent, but the producers!” interjects four-time Golden Gambler winning actor Conan Falopian, head of the Performers’ Guild. “They control the purse strings, so they are responsible for the content! You should fine them for forcing these poor performers to endanger themselves like that, and maybe toss in some criminal charges to boot. Nobody should have to risk their safety just to get a paycheck.”
  4. “Now, let’s sit down and have a nice fireside chat together,” rolls the soothing sentiment of Iris Mann, the unusually charismatic head anchor for RCBC News. “I am certain we can negotiate a settlement that will make all parties happy. If you look the other way on any laws that may have been broken, we can ensure that everything will be rebuilt better than before, and I can toss in some positive coverage of your current legislative efforts.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mining is the nation's most dangerous occupation.

2021-06-07 16:00

Mine Collapse Rocks Random Chaos

A mine has collapsed in Random Chaos burying hundreds of workers. Calls have been made by the families to tighten up mining safety laws.

  1. “We need tighter laws to protect vulnerable miners!” moans Jadzia Barry, a family member of one of the victims. “The mines are being propped up by twigs, the hard hats might as well be made of polystyrene, and the inspectors are all bribed! New laws must be made and the people responsible for allowing this to happen brought to justice.”
  2. “These allegations are ludicrous and unfounded,” says Murat Grant, CEO of the South Random Chaos Mining Company. “We use the finest twigs to build our mines and the last thing we need is the government tying us down with yet more rules. More safety laws means more expense means less profit and less profit means companies will look elsewhere to get their goods. You should leave us alone before you destroy thousands of jobs - do you really want that on your conscience?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, vaccinations are mandatory.

2021-06-07 10:00

A Shot in the Arm

The dreaded Rubellan Measles has made a sudden comeback in Random Chaos. The disease, which once killed millions, was thought to be wiped out after a vaccine was discovered fifty years ago. Medical professionals blame a recent anti-vaccination movement, which has turned immunization into a political football.

  1. “I’m not going to allow my babies to become slaves to Big Pharma!” bemoans parent and prominent anti-vaxxer Kendall Stone. “Did you know that vaccines can cause autism and stunt a child’s development? I can show you several studies that say so! These pharmaceutical companies are even putting nanobots in their vaccines! Nanobots! It is the right of every parent to determine what is best for their children.”
  2. “Please. Those so-called studies are nothing but hokum,” counters your physician, Doctor Percival Butt, while checking your heartbeat with a stethoscope. “Vaccines save lives every single day. If it weren’t for vaccines, Rubellan Measles would have killed off half of Random Chaos’s population by now! There is absolutely no correlation between autism and vaccinations. Any scientist or doctor worth their degree will tell you that. If anything, we should make vaccinations mandatory for the health and well-being of Random Chaosians across the nation.” The doctor snaps on a rubber glove. “Now, let’s hurry this up. Cough, please.”
  3. “You know, we wouldn’t have these problems if the population was more scientifically aware,” muses amateur scientist Violet Herrelko while pouring a vial of green liquid into a vial of purple liquid. “Movements like these are bred from ignorance and misinformation. If the government took an active role in promoting science and education this problem would go away. You could invest in real scientific studies and programs, make science classes mandatory in schools, and arrest any religious nuts who attempt to disrupt our work. Random Chaos would enter a new Golden Age!” The vials of liquid suddenly explode, covering your office with smoke and an unusually colored foam.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government policy is dictated by a major religion.

2021-06-07 04:00

The Apotheosis of Leader?

A period of unprecedented peace and prosperity in Random Chaos has seen your personal approval rate sky-rocket. Recently, a small but growing movement has emerged claiming that these general good times are the result of your divine favour, and are advocating that the people worship you as a god.

  1. “All hail the glorious Leader, giver of safety and wealth!” shouts Salvatore Schultz, the Prefect of the Cult of Divine Nationalism from atop a wooden crate in Random Chaos City Grand Plaza. “Are not the might and benevolence of the holy Leader manifest for all to see? Should we not respond in humble worship? Proclaim your divinity before all, O Great One, and your people shall listen!”
  2. “This is heresy!” pontificates Khethiwe Baldwin, a high-ranking clergywoman of a major religion, while proffering a collection plate. “Surely you can’t seriously be entertaining delusions of divinity? You would undoubtedly bring divine wrath upon us! I urge you, speak out against these wayward souls and endorse the teachings of our holy writ as the true path to righteousness. Only then can we be assured of continued providence.”
  3. “Let’s not be too hasty now, there may be an opportunity in this,” muses Elena Glover, one of your shrewdest political advisors. “Of course you’re not divine, we both know that, but is there really any harm in letting these whack-jobs think you are? Nothing begets obedience like the command of one’s god, after all. Perhaps a carefully constructed public statement is in order, one that gives legitimacy to these people’s beliefs while avoiding claiming divinity outright. Let people read into it what they want, and if they flock to this ‘religion’ in droves, well, would it really be so terrible if a large percentage of Random Chaosians became your devoted disciples?”
  4. “Bah! Ridiculous gobbledygook, all of it!” says Johann Mombota, controversial atheist author of the book ‘Atoms in Space and Relations Between Them - An Exhaustive Account of Existence’. “These cultists are no crazier than any other religious types, and have done far less damage than some I might mention. Take this opportunity to disavow all religion as superstitious nonsense, and throw your support behind reason instead. It’s the perfect opportunity to end the tax breaks for people with imaginary friends, and funnel that additional money into the areas it can do some real good, like authors of popular science books!”
  5. “All hail our glorious Leader... or face eternal punishment!” shouts a wide-eyed bearded man in sack cloth waving a greasy tract. “Pay no heed to these sectarians, my liege, they have departed from the way of truth! Only we, of the Cult of Nationalist Divinity, have remained faithful in the face of their slanderous impiety. We know you to be an uncompromising and demanding god, intolerant of all false doctrine. We stand ready to convert the masses to your worship, by lethal force if necessary! Starting, of course, with the insufferable heretics of the Cult of Divine Nationalism!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cotton candy made from genuine cotton cellulose doesn't quite satisfy.

2021-06-06 22:00

Get Baked

While strolling through the annual bake sale at your niece’s school, you couldn’t help but overhear a heated argument between two of the mothers at a nearby snickerdoodle-and-cupcake display.

  1. “Ruby, I don’t care how much kale you put into those cupcakes; we just shouldn’t be feeding this much sugar to children,” lectures one gaunt-looking mother, waving a carrot in exasperation. She catches a glimpse of you out of the corner of her eye and turns to you. “Leader! You must regulate all junk food going to our children at school! If we need a fundraiser, we can sell fruits and vegetables instead of this high-calorie, low energy bull...”
  2. “Oh my, Iris, you must watch your mouth! There are children in here!” complains her dumpling-shaped counterpart, hip-bumping her way to a centre-stage position in the conversation and sending the previous speaker flying into a tower of rice cereal treats. “You can’t get rid of this sugary goodness! These kids love it. If anything, we need MORE sugar, and some help for businesses that provide the sweet treats that bring so much happiness. Who cares if people are gaining weight? That’s just evolution.”
  3. “AAAAAAAAAAARGH!” screams your niece, causing everyone to suddenly turn to her. “Thank you! Who cares what kids eat? It should be our choice alone if we want to eat cookies and candy all the time, not yours! Give children the choice to put whatever food we want in our bodies, it’s the only way!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nuclear physics is the most popular course at university.

2021-06-06 16:00

What a Waste

Nuclear energy, the source of much of your growing nation’s electricity, has been generating radioactive waste as a by-product. As the shadows cast by the mounting piles of warning-emblazoned concrete casks grow ever longer, a concerned populace is looking to you for a more permanent solution.

  1. “There’s a boring and sensible approach,” suggests corduroy-clad grey-haired engineer Emmanuel Gray, rolling out a blueprint in front of you and ignoring the yawns of those attending the presentation. “Deep geologic disposal. My team has determined several sites for the construction of an extremely deep shaft underground to dispose of the nuclear waste. It’s relatively inexpensive, we can mostly guarantee that the waste will never reach the surface, and it will be far safer than our current storage system. Exciting stuff, eh?”
  2. “Let me tell you a story,” says Stanley Leigh, the local representative of protest group Citizens Rejecting Atomic Power. “One day, some bad companies mix up this toxic cocktail that can poison people for thousands or millions of years. Then, they bury it, and think nothing more of it. Then, some kid in ten thousand years winds up a one-eyed mutant cyclops, and has no clue why. Turn off the reactors, buddy, and find a better way. Sure it’s hard, but people like us have to make hard decisions.”
  3. “Once again, Science has the answer!” proclaims physics professor Elaine Mulder, striking her best heroic pose and pointing symbolically to the distant horizon. “Vitrification! Ion exchange! Synroc! We can separate out the components of the waste, burn off the long-lived stuff in fast reactors, reallocate the plutonium to weapons manufacture, and leave only short-lived waste that lasts merely hundreds of years. This will mean that we will not run out of fuel, and the environment will be spared from contamination. Increased industrial expenses? Yes. Necessary security costs and extensive safety regulations? Yes, sure, whatever. But, awesome Super Science? Triple yes, yes, yes!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many working fathers have never seen their children.

2021-06-06 10:00

Time for Paternity Leave, Say Dads

A coalition of working parents have put forward a petition that maternity leave laws should also allow new fathers time off.

  1. “What is this madness?” splutters well-known conservative Samus Hicks. “Think of the cost! And have you ever seen a man breastfeeding a newborn baby? I think not! You can’t change basic biology by throwing chips at it - this is one area where the women just have to face the facts.”
  2. “Offering different lengths of parental leave based on sex is discrimination!” yells well-known egalitarian Amelia Pavlov, pounding on your desk. “And it also disadvantages gay couples. Why shouldn’t a lesbian mother have time off when her partner gives birth? I say we offer both parents six months of fully paid leave, regardless of sex. It’s pricey, but it’s the only way to be fair. Oh, and parents who’ve just adopted can have it too.”
  3. “I agree that we can’t discriminate against gay and adoptive parents,” says your Minister for the Family, Elmo Wall. “But there’s a limit to how much of a burden we can place on employers. How about offering, say, six months of joint parental leave, and letting the couple divide it up how they want? That way families can find a solution that suits them, without costing the country too much.”
  4. “Are you trying to cripple our economy completely?” implores Kayla Curtis, CEO of Money-Grabbers Ltd. “If people have children, that’s their own lookout! If you can’t afford to take time off work to raise your spawn, whose fault is that? All parental leave should be banned! We’re not heartless bastards, though. Of course momma can take a sick or vacation day, or maybe even two!”
  5. “There is another way, you know,” quietly suggests one of your advisers. “Young children need to be taken care of during the workday, but not necessarily by their parents. What if the government provided daycare for all kids until schooling starts? Parental leave would cease to be an issue. Of course, it’d cost a lot to take care of everyone’s kids, but I think it’s worth it to allow parents to work full-time guilt-free.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Fattest Citizens and the Top 10% for Most Eco-Friendly Governments.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, women mime their gynaecological symptoms with hand-puppets.

2021-06-06 04:00

Wash Your Mouth Out!

The League of Concerned Moms has successfully petitioned to ban the dictionary from the Little Gambler Elementary School, to be replaced with a “Clean-tionary” of “pleasant” words. The reason? It contained “lewd and offensive” words referring to private parts of the body. On the day you collect your niece from school, you are confronted by picketers holding signs with boldly-lettered suggestions of where the concerned moms might like to stick their “Clean-tionary” and chanting inventive invective-filled rhymes about censorship.

  1. “We need to protect children from seeing bad words!” demands Sarah Cooper, the white-clad leader of the League of Concerned Moms. “Our delicate flowers must be shielded from all bad influences. Just yesterday, my five-year-old came home, saying his classmate called him a ‘[expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] whose mother was [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]’. And where do you think those words were found? That’s right! The dictionary! Where any innocent child can chance upon them. Remove all harmful words from schools’ dictionaries and let our beautiful pearls thrive.”
  2. “All you big people are cramping my style,” groans third-grader Stefanie Khachaturian, giggling over the term ‘poop deck’. “Dictionaries are great; I can learn whatever words I want! Words are GREAT. They give kids the power to say what we really think. Yesterday, I called my teacher a ‘big bum-bailiff’. You can’t take that away. You need to keep the fun words in the dictionary, and add more, so we can... um, express ourselves.” She grabs the dictionary protectively and hisses, “Precious words!”
  3. “We need to look at the root of this problem,” soothes psychologist Belinda Riker, who has an office across the street with ‘Appointments Available’ in the window. “All this is the result of bad influence. These poor, misguided children don’t know better. They see a cuss word, and yell it to the world. It’s simply a combination of poor impulse control and a need to impress their peer group. Well, no longer! Schools should have psychologists on staff, and as soon as these troubled angels go astray, we can help them find their own way back to the right road.”
  4. “I agree that this is serious,” notes Gabriel Young, your Minister of Let’s-All-Just-Calm-Down. “But it’s not just the kids who are dirtying the air with foul language. The adults are also at fault. We should fund an official Random Chaosian dictionary of approved words, free from all expletives, coarse words, vulgar expressions and terms for the unpleasant parts of human anatomy, and punish anyone who uses any bad word – in books, media, and written and spoken speech. Only then can Random Chaos be a truly pleasant place to live. Now, shall we have a cup of tea?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is spending millions on alternative clean-burning fuels.

2021-06-05 22:00

Random Chaos - Without Cars, Going Nowhere Fast

Ever since the government banned automobiles, furious soccer moms and commuters have been petitioning the government to revoke the ban, citing any number of troubles people have had without their cars.

  1. “The government was being utterly stupid in banning cars, especially at the whim of a bunch of nutjob, tree-hugging bicyclists!” cries Björk Harkness, CEO of Coo’ Stuff, Inc. “My workers are constantly late, they don’t work as much because they have to leave early to walk or bike home... leaving this ban in place will only murder the economy!”
  2. “Well, it’s extremely difficult to drive my son to and from school and his after-school sports,” comments soccer mom Molly O'Hara. “But I don’t want my boy inhaling all those icky fumes. I say bring back cars, but put some effort into finding cleaner fuels and the like! Who cares if it costs a small fortune?”
  3. “What do they know?” whispers a strange woman clad all in green. “You ought to clamp down on these protesters. Without cars, the people are much easier for you to control, are they not?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, basic multiplication is all you need to know to have a child.

2021-06-05 16:00

Mother Knows Best?

A recent report from the Bureau of Population Statistics has revealed that, during the past quarter, the number of parenting licenses given to prospective parents fell to an all-time low.

  1. Your secretary, who has failed the parenting test four times in a row, is eager to speak to you about this. “I mean, come on! How was I supposed to know how long it takes for a baby to get to the center of a lollipop? The test shouldn’t be so impossibly hard that no one can pass it. And there are so many other restrictions and requirements that get in the way of people trying to be parents. I beg you to make it easier for a regular person to obtain a license. I promise I will raise my children well!”
  2. “Seems like we’re running a country full of idiots, doesn’t it?” complains the head bureaucrat of the government agency that awards parenting licenses. “The application process is doing its job if it keeps those who are unqualified from having children. If there is one child in the hands of a parent without their wits intact, then we have failed as a nation. Instead of making the process easier, we need to be even more selective. And we should monitor the progress of parents even after they get their licenses, just to make sure they’re parenting up to standard. Only the best, brightest, and most qualified deserve to raise a family.”
  3. “Licenses? We don’t need no stinking licenses!” yowls your Minister of Productivity, writhing and jumping around you. “Less children — bad! Less productivity — bad! Bad for economy! We always need to be producing, always need to be doing! More children, more doing!” The minister’s mouth froths as he mumbles on the floor, making bizarre thrusting motions.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's stiff competition in the medical marketplace.

2021-06-05 10:30

Hard Times Ahead?

Drew Peacock, your Minister for Party Solidarity, has been looking a bit listless lately. It turns out that his doctor has told him that the National Health Service refuses to fund his needed erectile dysfunction medications.

  1. “This is no laughing matter,” moans Minister Peacock. “These days I can barely raise even a smile when I’m with my girl, and it’s making our relationship difficult. Sexual health is part of overall wellbeing, and I feel that the NHS should be funding the necessary medications, as well as maybe offering sex counselors and libido clinics. I wouldn’t even mind if there was some sort of specialist on hand to show us where we’re going wrong.”
  2. “Look, the NHS is having a hard time as it is,” complains general practitioner Dr. Roger Knott stiffly. “We’re not here to give leisure drugs for old men’s indoor sports. The health service should be focusing on dealing only with diseases and conditions that threaten life and limb. And that doesn’t count as a limb, no matter how proud the good Minister is of it. Okay, here’s the deal: let them have four pills per month each. That’s a reasonable level of healthcare balanced against a cost-effective prescribing.”
  3. “You got to look at the root problem here, and I’m not talking about the Minister’s little thing here,” observes visiting United Federation ambassador Ima Meanie. “I’m talking about your socialist medicine. Allow the free market to penetrate the stiff front erected by the communist healthcare entities! It’ll be hard on our wallets, but we won’t beat it by being soft! By removing medicine from the hands of the government elite, competition will drive down the prices of treatment and drugs, and as a nation I reckon you’ll spend a smaller percentage of the national GDP on medical care. That’s exactly what things are like in the good ole United Federation, right?”
  4. “Maybe you don’t need to be in such a hurry to see this as a problem,” interjects the minister’s long-standing partner Ivana Newlove. “If the little fella doesn’t feel like getting up in the morning, then let him sleep! Drew is almost fifty, for goodness sake; it’s only natural that his love life is over. Respect mother nature, and also this tired mother-of-three, and instead ban these treatments.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Unexpected Death Rate.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fitness to teach sport is proven by urinating the furthest up a wall.

2021-06-05 04:00

Cheerleading Community Does the Splits

When East Random Chaos City High School denied a male student’s request to join their cheerleading squad, they thought that was the end of it. Since then, the story has been picked up by the national media, with the boy, the cheerleading coach, and a spokesperson from Equality Random Chaos giving interviews about the controversy. Now, a gaggle of highly-opinionated and very-spirited individuals have entered your office, demanding your attention.

  1. “Give me an ‘E’! Give me a ‘Q’! Give me a ‘U’-‘A’-‘L’! Give me an ‘I’, and a ‘T’, and a great big ‘Y’! What’s it spell? EQUALITY!” cries Apu Dixon, doing an impressive backflip routine in his plaid skirt. “Every boy deserves an equal chance to live out their dreams, whether that dream is to cheer a mediocre football team, or be on a mediocre football team! You must force every school to allow any individual to join any team they want, regardless of sex! Why not? Girls are just as strong as boys, and we boys can be darn cute in these skirts!” Cheering your name, he cartwheels out the door.
  2. “Cheerleading is for girls, and only for girls,” asserts middle-aged former cheerleader and parent, Minerva Lazenby, as she attempts to perform a forward roll, but gets stuck underneath your desk. “Let the boys do wholesome boy sports, like football and boxing, away from our precious daughters! You know what teen boys are like: primitive hormone factories, only after one thing! Besides, with rates of sexual abuse on campuses already so high, you must prevent boys and girls having any contact in sport.” She ceases her attempts to extricate herself from beneath the desk, gasping for air.
  3. “You’re both idiots!” thunders Enrique Sandler, his neck muscles straining against the collar of his camouflage shirt. “Cheerleading is stupid. It’s not even a real sport! The funds wasted on girls prancing about could be used on REAL sports, that help REAL men to become strong and powerful! Taught by manly coaches, like me. Abolish this waste of money immediately, and pour the cash into useful, manly sports!” He punts one of your priceless vases into your equally priceless chandelier.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prime picnicking sites are being paved over in the name of progress.

2021-06-04 22:00

This Land Was Made for You and Me

A recent government report revealed that Random Chaos is running out of land for its expanding population. An emergency meeting of your advisors has been called to decide the best course of action.

  1. “The solution is simple and something we should have been doing all along,” states your Minister of the Environment, Jyn Baldwin, “We have acres upon acres of land that is tied up in landfills. If we compost, compress, recycle, we can use the newly cleaned land to build eco-friendly housing developments. Yes, it’ll require a lot of funding, and there’s bound to be at least a little residual smell. People won’t be happy about it, but I guarantee they’ll be a damn sight happier than they’d be on the streets!”
  2. “Of course the enviro-nutjob wants to clean up the landfills, but that’s not the issue!” says your Minister of Finance, Ola Glover. “Why spend all that money fixing up land that already has a purpose when we’ve got plenty of worthless national parks? We could start construction sooner, get people moved in sooner, and fix this problem sooner. We could even use the resources in the parks to furnish the houses. It’d give our timber industry a much-needed boost. I’m sure the hippies will moan about how that’ll destroy a bunch of ‘delicate habitats’, but it’s simply progress, Leader.”
  3. “You’re all not thinking this through!” yells the CEO of Yellowcake Depot, Theresa Moneypenny. “We’ve still got plenty of land. We’ve only used the top of it after all. Let’s expand our cities underground. Look at the perks: there’s plenty of space, they’ll naturally stay at a steady temperature, and — most importantly — think of all the untapped uranium ore down there! Talk about an economic boom! Sure, people might get a little depressed without the sun and there’s always a slight risk of a cave-in, but we’ll send down shrinks, sun lamps, and throw up a few extra buttresses to be safe.”
  4. “I have a much, much more palatable solution,” assures your Minister of Internal Expansion, rubbing his hands together greedily. “Let’s expand our coasts. How do we do that you ask? Simple, we reclaim it from the surrounding seas. All we need to do is build levees and dikes and pump out the water. It’ll take some serious desalinization and a constant, reliable power source to accomplish, but it’ll be worth it in the long run.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 'The Anti-Government Hour' is a popular programme on many of Random Chaos's radio stations.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

2021-06-04 16:00

Radio Rebels Ruffle Government

The ‘Underground Element’, a newly formed resistance force to the governing party in Random Chaos, has begun broadcasting anti-government messages over a network of public radio stations.

  1. “These rebels are harmless,” says Liam Butt, political commentator. “In the interests of free speech and democracy, we should allow them to broadcast their messages. There’s nothing wrong with a little criticism of the government - indeed, it could do with some more incentive to perform well.”
  2. “It’d be one thing if it was genuinely insightful criticism,” says Rosita Hesse, your personal advisor. “But this is a disgrace! It’s simply fear-mongering and government-bashing. We should shut down these punks before they fill our citizens’ heads full of mistruths. And while we’re at it, there are a few other radio stations that need to smarten up their attitude to the government, too. Take control of the medium, and take control of the message.”
  3. “Now now, let’s be reasonable about this,” muses Alexandra Pasteur, radio chatshow host. “The government should think very carefully before it gets into the business of telling people what they can and can’t say on the air. The solution here is not to ban criticism, but to price radio station licenses at an appropriate level - that is, higher than a rabble of unshaven hippies can afford.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sending sick politicians "Get Well Soon" cards is considered bribery.

2021-06-04 10:00

The Forbidden Fruit

The Prime Minister of the massive agricultural nation of Ausblic has sent you a rather unconventional gift: five thousand fruit baskets worth 100 chips each. Now, crates of fruit baskets occupy almost all available space in your office.

  1. “Do you like our gift, Leader?” enquires the Prime Minister of Ausblic, Elaine Banks, wandering through the maze of fruit baskets only to find your face hidden by a huge pineapple. “We wish to improve ties with Random Chaos, and what better way than by offering a sample of Ausblic’s main export? If you can’t finish eating all five thousand baskets worth of fruit, I’m sure that you could sell some of them back to the market with a significant markup. Just a suggestion.”
  2. “Nice try, but our leader is incorruptible!” snarls your devoted Home Secretary Jiang Goethe, his Leader is Love, Leader is Life T-shirt visible through his shirt. “We must destroy all of these odious offerings, and show that we have zero tolerance of graft. Harsh punishments must be given to anyone who tries to bribe government officials. Only then will our glorious nation be free of corruption!”
  3. “That’s taking it a little too far,” states Natalie Moneypenny, the Minister of the Middle Ground, who is standing between the previous two speakers to keep them apart. “We could permit politicians to receive small gifts, inconsequential sums totalling a maximum of 50 chips per person, per annum. Any previous gifts received that are worth more than the amount stated, like those fruit baskets, should be donated to charity. Imagine the needy people of Random Chaos, delightedly waiting for succour as you donate all the things you don’t even need.”
  4. “What you call bribes, I call political donations,” divulges politician Vandal Suzuki, who hefts a suitcase that is bursting with cash. “Getting into public office takes millions of chips, and the average citizen cannot afford to do so. If you make it easier for politicians to receive donations from generous benefactors, you could bring equality to politics and give even the most disadvantaged candidates a fighting chance, regardless of their financial standing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the path to inner peace is paved with state-mandated punishment.

2021-06-04 04:00

Safe Sects

Your niece Jennifer, who reached the age of majority three weeks ago and left home the day afterwards, has finally written a letter: “Hello, blood relatives. I am safe and have found my real, spiritual family. The Society of Love are wonderful people who truly care about me. I have pledged one trillion years of loyal service and all my present and future possessions to them. If you love me, let me be happy and send me my stuff. Ta and that. Bye forever, Sister Sunny Sunshine Sunbeam.”

  1. “Jennifer has been brainwashed!” sobs your sister. “She’s been spouting mystical gobbledegook, acting distant, even reading. Now she’s gone to one of these closed communities and changed her name? These happy-clappy guitar-wielding maniacs tell naïve teenagers that they could have unending happiness and wisdom and all that bullsh... -hickey, and the wide-eyed simpletons believe it. Now she wants to give up everything, even her dreams, to be a slave forever? You must break-up every cultic group that preys on young people. Drag our children home, if necessary!”
  2. “Many insecure adolescents and young adults can be drawn to apparently friendly groups that seem to possess all the answers,” postulates your uncle and sociologist, Arcturus, the author of Cult Classics and Faustian Faiths. “Cults often employ ‘love bombing’, a technique where all cult members express constant affection towards a potential convert to snare them. Young people may be especially vulnerable to this, particularly if they come from troubled households. No, ahem, offence to your sister. Educate our young people to be aware of indoctrination techniques and signs, and teach them to think for themselves. Steel our youngsters against the cults in our midst.”
  3. “Cult is a word that the unspiritual and cowards use to mean a different idea,” retorts your nephew, who’s changed lately, after looking up from the brown-covered italics-titled book he’s reading. “Sunny Sunshi... Jennifer is a grown woman. Once someone’s old enough to choose their own faith, everyone should butt-out. In fact, it’s no-one’s business what any spiritually mature person believes. Someone who’s attained Truth should not be kept from their spiritual home, just because they’re a tiny thirteen months from the age of legal majority. Free supremely spiritual folks to follow our consciences. After all, there’s no ‘community’ without ‘unity’, no ‘community’ withou... why are you all staring at me?”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the standardised national curriculum requires that all-male classes be taught why they have periods.

2021-06-03 22:00

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Parents at West Random Chaos City High School were furious to discover that teachers belonging to a small evangelical sect ignored national guidelines about comprehensive sex education, instead teaching an abstinence-only programme.

  1. “How is Little Willow supposed to survive a world of adult pressures without knowing all the facts?” fumes parent Coraline Nimoy, her straggly hair hanging limply around her shoulders. “It’s deplorable that so-called educators could leave her so unprepared for life. Order that all schools teach the standardised and comprehensive curriculum as written, and fire all teachers that refuse!”
  2. “The walking mop is correct,” attests Miss Trevelyan, one of the teachers in question, writing a red ‘F’ on your hand. “And we tell the youngsters exactly how it is. We show the crippling effects of syphilis; tell them every sexually-active person could have it. We tell them condoms cause rashes; that boys who kiss you will leave. We tell them that some women who have an abortion will never get pregnant again. And we say: only those who join our Purity Club, marrying their one pure and predestined partner can avoid those horrors. For facts, from a correct viewpoint, you must fund our abstinence-only curriculum nationwide.”
  3. “Immoral purveyors of the perverse!” booms Fly-fornication Yoder, a bushy-bearded member of an obscure order, who is trailed by his black-clad wife and twelve thematically-named children. “The youth hear filthy words — endometrium, oestrogen, epidermis — and soon they are side-hugging, holding hands, and watching prime-time satire on the Comedy Network. The One Above is clear: remain pure, knowing nought of the foulness by which infants are begotten until your wedding night. Ban all discussion of the mechanics of reproduction, for Random Chaos’s moral health.”
  4. “We could make everyone happy,” coos prematurely-grey former-teacher Mia Clark, her bug-eyes seeming even larger through a thick pair of round-rimmed spectacles. “I admit, I used to be one of those hip ‘withhold nothing’ teachers. Then I had kids. The idea of my itty-bitty Tarquin hearing naughty words, in the name of ‘education’? Not on my watch, bucko. Big Government should stop legislating every tiny detail of our kids’ school day, and allow schools to teach any sex education curriculum they like: from no-holds-barred to nothing at all. Then parents will be free to choose the school that best suits their needs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the national Police Academies have dedicated infant wings.

2021-06-03 16:00

Trafficked Tots Trouble

An emergency meeting has been called together after a report from the border police showed an alarming increase in child trafficking. Children born to unlicensed parents are being given to shady characters who smuggle these tots across the border to sell them to the highest bidder.

  1. Sydney Moneypenny, your Minister of Population Logistics, believes the solution is simple. “Parents who fail the exam for a license aren’t allowed kids—so they don’t need reproductive organs. I say spay or neuter everyone who is unfit to be a parent, to ensure they don’t have any offspring. Off with it all!”
  2. Karma Suparman, the Chief of Police, winces and turns white. “That sounds rather... barbaric. Give us more funding, and we can set up a special department - the Child Catchers! We’ll take children from those who procreate without passing the exam, and raise them to be perfect members of our police force... err... society.”
  3. Your dear old mother, tucking you into bed with your favorite teddy, shakes her head and disagrees. “We never needed a license to have our children. We were good parents to you, and you’ve all grown up to be fine human beings. Why don’t you just get rid of these new-fangled licenses and trust a parent’s instincts?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens volunteer for tax audits to avoid the 80-page Practical Assessment Survey Tool On Religions.

2021-06-03 10:00

Use the Farce, Leader

After taking your niece to see Cosmic Conflicts: Episode XII — A New Ennui, your Census Director runs up to you in the parking lot, shouting that large numbers of people are putting false information on their census forms.

  1. “Orange Alert, Leader! We have a Level 3 census emergency!” Your confused look gives him pause. “Did you not memorize the color-coded Demographics Alert System that I sent you? Our census has a question about religious affiliation, but far too many people aren’t taking it seriously. They’re just listing fictional religions, like Jeday and Frisbeetarianism. We must track down every one of these reprobates and question them at great length to determine their actual religious beliefs — and fine them for listing false information on official government documents!”
  2. “I am one with the Farce and the Farce is with me,” chants a movie theater patron wearing brown robes, who starts swinging around a cardboard tube and making humming noises. “The ancient Jeday faith, which was revealed to us by visionary film director Jorge Toucas, is a fundamental truth in all corners of the universe. Our beliefs are genuine. I insist that you recognize this as a legitimate religion!”
  3. Another passerby wearing a strange uniform and a helmet that completely covers their face stops to listen. “Do you hear this lunacy, Leader? These fantasy films are a terrible influence on weak-minded citizens who don’t have a solid grasp on reality. Ban all fiction that includes any references to made-up religions, and send these nutjobs to a mental health specialist for a thorough psychological evaluation. This is the way!”
  4. Your niece tugs on your sleeve, looking annoyed. “Why does the census even ask about religion? I know it’s for statistics or whatever, but I really don’t care if my friends pray to Yahvo or R’hllor or even the Overgoat! That’s none of my business, and the government shouldn’t be asking about it either. In fact, if we want to be progressive, the census also shouldn’t ask about gender, race, ethnicity, or national origin. Instead, we should just focus on finding out fun and entertaining tidbits, like hobbies, or music tastes, or favorite cheese.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, at least 4 unique companies in Random Chaos claim to sell Eckie-Cola.

2021-06-03 04:00

Trademarks Make Their Mark on Marketing

Zeerocks, a Random Chaosian company known for manufacturing photocopiers, has recently come into conflict with a corporation in the mostly harmless nation of Merovingia that makes a similar product. The Merovingian company has been using the common phrase ‘zeerocksing’ in their advertising and packaging, even though Zeerocks owns the trademark for the term. The inevitable legal dispute has now come to national attention.

  1. “Leader, it is essential that this term remains exclusive to the products and services of our company,” claims a sharply dressed representative from Zeerocks, handing out zeerocksed packets of heavily laminated legal documentation to everyone in close proximity. “When direct competitors use the term to describe the services that we exclusively offer, consumers begin to associate the term with photocopying, which zeerocksing simply is not. Furthermore, we have legally registered this trademark and should have full rights to control its use.”
  2. A sophisticated-looking executive from Merovingian Minolta directs your attention to his slideshow presentation. “As we can see here, photocopying involves the same exact process as zeerocksing. It is preposterous to use multiple terms for the same exact action, and makes no sense for a company to be able to own a commonly used word. Therefore, since the Zeerocks trademark is already a generic term, anyone should be able to use it.”
  3. “We might as well rip off the band-aid now,” claims your Minister of Abrupt Solutions, while using a sharpie to write notes on some post-its. “This case is a dumpster fire of complex trademark laws, and I bet we’ll see a plethora of new cases no matter who wins this lawsuit. It’s as clear as plexiglass that we need to abolish all existing trademark laws, so that this doesn’t hoover up all of our legal system’s resources. Now does anyone have an aspirin? My head feels like someone hit it with a thermos.”
  4. “That is just going to cause even more confusion,” drones Dafydd Rhodes, whose gray suit matches his gray demeanor. “Why do we need branding in the first place? All of this marketing is just another way for the big, rich corporations to control the public. You should require all products to be sold in monocolored packaging with no graphics or brand names on them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's not mass murder when the government does it.

2021-06-02 22:00

Court in the Middle

Vlad Leopold, the despised Tasmanian war criminal and international fugitive, was recently captured by the Random Chaosian police while in hiding just outside of Random Chaos City. With members of the international community wanting to see justice, the question of jurisdiction has arisen.

  1. “This dastardly fiend committed numerous crimes against humanity,” states Ilya Brewer, a prosecutor from the The Hatrackia Criminal Court. “Therefore, it is obvious that Leopold’s trial falls under the jurisdiction of the international court. We’ll start legal proceedings against him, adhering to the letter of the law, and in less than five years his sentence will be announced.”
  2. “This monster killed my father,” snarls the Tasmanian ambassador Michelle Harris, wiping tears of anger and grief from her eyes. “Also my sister, my two best friends and my great uncle. My point is, we Tasmanians were wronged by him, and we deserve our retribution. We, the Tasmanian people, must be allowed to prosecute and then punish this genocidal villain.” She picks up a set of thumbscrews and looks at you meaningfully.
  3. “This arrest was the finest moment of my career, and also a big moment for Random Chaos,” counters Tendi Obama, the national police chief. “Leopold slaughtered a few Random Chaosian volunteers in the Tasmanian Civil War, so we can rightfully try him for murdering our own citizens. Everyone can whine all they want, but the fact is they couldn’t catch him. We did. It’s our sovereign right to try criminals captured on our territory.”
  4. Finally, a man in dark sunglasses and with a mysterious tattoo of an all-seeing eye on his wrist, whom you don’t remember seeing enter the room, whispers in your ear, “What Leopold did wrong wasn’t the indiscriminate decimation of the Tasmanian population. It’s that he wasn’t smart about it. He’s got raw potential, sure. If you give him to me, I’ll make sure he becomes much more efficient, professional and covert in his work. You can also trust that this time, he’ll be working for the good guys.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, groups of government workers are declared protected tribes if they venture too deep into the Capitol.

2021-06-02 16:00

The Long and Winding Halls of Random Chaos City

Earlier this month, one of your aides stumbled upon a makeshift encampment of missing bureaucrats in the bowels of Random Chaos City. Their discovery has prompted debate on whether the government has become too large and unwieldy.

  1. “Is this the government or a damned shanty town?” belts conservative leader Allen Summers while slamming down his proposal on your desk. “We need to slash everything! Slash every department in half and rein this bloated government back in! Cut John Q. Taxpayer a break and ax our wasteful spending!”
  2. “Now wait. Let’s not be too hasty,” cautions Esher Capulet, your Minister of the Department of Housing and Urban Development for the Department of the Interior’s Interior. “Sure, maybe the government is a teensie bit too big, but why can’t we solve this with scissors instead of a hatchet? Let’s appoint a Minister in charge of Governmental Oversight to examine our budget and see what reasonable cuts can be made. Trust me, Leader, you don’t want to go axing such crucial departments without some investigation.”
  3. “What we have discovered is the bureaucrat’s natural habitat,” soothingly narrates renowned naturalist Nigel Verithorough. “We have visited this tribal community several times since its discovery and have made great strides in understanding their unfamiliar ways. What was immediately clear to us was that this community would never be able to survive in our world. In the name of cultural preservation, we must protect their environment - in this case, the catacombs of Random Chaos’s Capitol. Study and observe, but do not destroy, Leader.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, formerly internationally exported goods are now given away for free.

2021-06-02 10:00

Should Be Sufficient

Embracing autarky has reduced access to Merovingian chocolate and Gallopavian flowers, but the Random Chaosian economy has more or less survived the transition. However, in the distant tiny island nation of Copiluaca, economic activity was formerly almost entirely dependent on selling coffee to Random Chaos, leaving them with crippling unemployment, tens of thousands in poverty, and an imminent famine.

  1. “How could we have done this to the poor Copiluacans?” asks Marina Gruber, your Minister of Progress. “Without chips flowing into their nation, they’re falling apart! We need to go all-out and send them as much aid as we can. This is our mess, and our responsibility.”
  2. “If a nation can’t survive on its own, then we’re not doing it any favours by giving it charity,” says your grumpy Defence Minister, pouring herself a bowl of cereal. “Autarky is a moral choice, borne of opposition to globalism. We should propagate that ideological position with a little tough love. We should blockade their ports and patrol their airspace to stop any remaining international trade getting in or out, and they’ll be forced to self-sufficiency. Give a man fish and you feed him for a day. Force him to fish at gunpoint, and he’ll fish like his life depends on it. Which it does.”
  3. “What about Althaniq, and West Calypso, and Marche Blanc?” inquires novelty latex hat manufacturer Simon Nahasapeemapetilon, who used to export to all three nations. “That’s a lot of nations not getting the benefit of essential, high-quality Random Chaosian products. Abandoning the global marketplace was a mistake — let a little free trade back into our lives!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Eco-Friendly Governments and Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ticket touts are blamed for the downfall of communism.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Corrupt Dictatorship" to "Father Knows Best State".

2021-06-02 04:00

Central Planning Theatrics

Faramir Kiefaber’s masterpiece play, The War Cow, is coming to Random Chaos with the original cast in tow for a one-night-only performance. With hundreds of thousands of Random Chaosians wanting to attend, the Party’s Bureau of Central Planning are at a loss as to how to best allocate scarce luxury resources such as these tickets in the absence of free market mechanisms.

  1. “We could just allocate these tickets randomly,” notes Kimberly Rivera, Party Undersecretary and amateur blindfold darts-player. “Every citizen in Random Chaos interested in seeing the play will have an equal chance of being awarded a non-refundable, non-transferable ticket to see this moo-ving production. You can’t say fairer than that.”
  2. “But darling!” protests Prathik Zhu, your flamboyant Junior Minister of Culture. “I love the theatre so much, and I really want to go see this play with my friends! What if only one of us wins this lottery? Where’s the fun in spending an evening with strangers? Why don’t we just move the venue? I’ve identified a great space on the outskirts of Random Chaos City for a new stadium-sized drama venue. I’m sure everyone will be able to crowd in there once we clear the forest out of the way.”
  3. “This again?” sighs Willow Fforde, an overworked bureaucrat attached to the central planning committee. “Listen, here we are coming up with ever more ludicrous and expensive ways to resolve this dilemma, and as much as I hate to admit it, those decadent capitalists might have a point for once. It’s a limited resource with a high demand — perfect for the free market to sort out — so let it! Save us all a headache and start privatizing non-essential services.”
  4. “Can’t you see? This is corrupt imperialism, covertly attacking our proud communist state!” shouts Red Army demagogue Coraline Mason, tearing an official souvenir stuffed cow to pieces. “We must not allow this or any capitalist production into our country, and must only allow wholesome socialist theatre. There’s never any conflict over ticket allocation for those plays!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens wishing to be parents must undertake a series of gruelling tests to evaluate their capabilities.

2021-06-01 22:00

Licence to Breed?

Increasing reports of child abuse and neglect in Random Chaos has prompted local pressure groups to call for ‘parental licences’.

  1. “You need a licence to keep gamblers or drive a car,” points out local current affairs commentator, Earnest Croft. “So why should just any random idiot get to be a mother or father? It just doesn’t make sense! If all potential parents had to pass tests to prove they’re responsible enough, I’m sure you’d find that it would help decrease the level of child abuse, and increase proper discipline in the home.”
  2. “This is madness!” screams Kate Kiefaber. “You can’t deny perfectly good people the right to bring life into this world! Gamblers manage it easily enough, and you can’t tell me they’ve got more responsibility than your average upstanding citizen of Random Chaos! The government should keep out of such matters - I’ve always said social workers and welfare was a drain on the budget. Yes, there will be some sad cases of neglect, but shouldn’t we be giving parents the benefit of the doubt?”
  3. “The answer to this problem is patently obvious,” says Orville Ripley, your Minister of Social Welfare. “The government simply needs to give more funding to the welfare department so that we can recruit more social workers to carry out regular checks on parents and judge whether or not they’re doing a good job of looking after their children. It’ll be expensive, but at least it’s a damn sight fairer than licensing parents.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Corrupt Dictatorship".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all industry is owned and run by the government.

2021-06-01 16:00

Economic Collapse Looms!

Big business, fed up with over-regulation in Random Chaos, are heading offshore in ever-increasing numbers.

  1. “Good riddance!” says noted environmentalist Marin Wilson. “Sniff that air! It’s never been so clean! At last, our society is freeing itself from the consumer death-trap! I say it’s time to take the final step and outlaw capitalism once and for all!”
  2. “This is a catastrophe waiting to happen,” says the Chamber of Commerce. “Think of the consequences! Without big business, where do the jobs come from? Where do we get our medicine? Our cars? Our latest fashions? There are dozens of useless regulations the government could abolish today to make life easier for commerce, and it’s high time they did.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the slowest students feel vaguely targeted by their Mendelian Inheritance coursework.

2021-06-01 10:00

Intimate Relations

A panel of experts has traced the rising neonatal mortality rate to the growing prevalence of inbreeding.

  1. “I can’t see why you don’t just pass a law,” grumbles tired-looking midwife Harley Abbott. “You could just ban all of these... relationships... between Random Chaosians closer than second cousins! How hard is that?”
  2. “The answer obviously lies in education, not law enforcement,” pontificates biology teacher Rosita Abbott. “Science literacy in Random Chaos is through the floor, which explains why so many Random Chaosians don’t understand the dangers of inbreeding. We need more funding for science education so we can really tackle the root of the problem.”
  3. “Science can go one better than that!” pipes up geneticist Homer Abbott, waggling his eyebrows at Rosita. “If we screen the embryos of those within a certain degree of consanguinity, we can eliminate all the serious health issues, like neural tube defects, congenital heart malformations and webbed feet. Then we can get with whoever we want!”
  4. “It’s no wonder inbreeding’s an issue when our gene pool is so shallow,” says silver fox Alex Abbott, flipping through a travel brochure. “What these Random Chaosian yokels need is some more diversity! Random Chaos could bring in spicy newcomers from all corners of the world; just imagine how flavorful the ethnic makeup could get!”
  5. “Maybe the reason inbreeding’s on the rise is that none of these Random Chaosians can GO anywhere,” chimes in Maxtopia-based car enthusiast Emenike Abbott. “Without personal transportation, most of these people will die within a few miles of where they were born. What’s THAT doing for the gene pool? I bet the inbreeding problem would go away in a generation if only cars were made legal.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the giant 80-storey carving of Leader in Mount Rushless can be seen from space.

2021-06-01 04:00

Colossus With Feet of Clay

After a slow news week, one of your aides brought to your attention the controversy surrounding Violetstone National Park. Well-known Tourism tycoon, Edward Rump, recently revealed proposals to purchase the land and intends to carve the faces of former leaders into Mount Rushless, a site revered by many Native Random Chaosians.

  1. “The area is perfect for what I have in mind,” exclaims Mr. Rump, showing you some incredibly detailed concept art. “These monolithic carvings of the heads of historical figures will symbolize our nation’s strength and pride.” He gestures towards the faces on the blueprints. “Our nation’s statesmen will not be forgotten! In fact, we could even open this up as a tourist attraction! Never mind that Native Random Chaosians consider the land sacred. These majestic sculptures will stand the test of time. At the very least they’ll finally knock off the Random Chaos City Tire Fire to become the Eighth Wonder of The Hatrackia!”
  2. “Who cares about some long-dead old farts?” questions Niles Ramirez, one of your more youthful aides. “If there’s anybody’s face we should be carving into that mountain, it should be yours! You’ve already done so much for Random Chaos, and it’s about time you were paid your proper respect. So many world leaders worry about being remembered after they’re gone. I’m sure you still have many years left in you, but this monument will ensure that you will never be forgotten.”
  3. “Leader, have you no respect for our sacred lands?” asks Runs With Gamblers, Chief of the Violetstone tribe. “My people have lived in these lands for countless generations and now you are going to desecrate them? Even worse, you plan to honor imperialist monsters who slaughtered our ancestors? The government should be apologizing for those atrocities, not celebrating the butchers behind them. Leader, these are our lands, not yours. Our home is not a tourist attraction. You must respect that. Our people have suffered enough.”
  4. “The mountain should be totally left alone,” agrees environmentalist Jill Wood, as she hands peace offerings to everyone in the room. “Mount Rushless is an environmental wonder and has been beloved for generations exactly as it is. If anything, we should be passing tougher environmental laws to make sure that these lands can’t be sold to the highest bidder. We ought to be designating more lands as national parks and hiring more park rangers to protect them. The government’s top priority should be protecting the environment, not opening up another tourist trap!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the "swords to plowshares" policy has created a generation of farmers that can kill a yak from 200 yards away.

2021-05-31 22:00

The Bottom of the Gun Barrel

It’s harvest season and farms all over Random Chaos are starved of manpower. A sizeable proportion of able-bodied young adults have been conscripted into the army, leaving the agricultural sector unable to find enough temporary workers to pick fruit or work the fields.

  1. “We only have half a dozen employees to work four times that many acres,” moans Jenna Reed, a citrus orchard manager, “and three of them don’t even know how to operate basic machinery. If you could exempt people who have experience working on farms from the draft, our sector will be saved. Remember, an army marches on its stomach, so supporting us will help the military as well.”
  2. “That’s not enough!” exclaims economist Ned Wynne, marching into your office. “The military consumes resources but produces nothing. As you can see, it’s already causing detriment to productivity, and continuing to support it will eventually result in our entire economic infrastructure collapsing. I insist that you scrap conscription laws before our economy withers and dies!”
  3. “Insubordination!” yells General Eko, waving a fist in the air in agitation. “How can you suggest that we leave our borders defenceless? There is another available source of manpower that has been overlooked - the disabled and elderly can be made to work. The agricultural sector can put to rest any accusations of ableism or ageism, and we get to maintain our army size.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, possession of tomato seeds with intent to garden is a criminal offence.

2021-05-31 16:30

Regenerative Permaculture Emergence

Guerilla gardening - that is, illegal trespass onto unused or blighted urban land with the express intention of horticultural cultivation - is on the rise in Random Chaos. Activists have in particular focused their campaigns against the properties of the largest and most environmentally destructive corporations.

  1. “This is a protest, dude, to draw attention to the abuse of Mother Earth with ad-hoc environmental entrepreneurship,” explains self-professed eco-agorist Darya Vangelis, trowel in one hand and manifesto in the other. “We’re taking back the land from those that despoil and destroy, and making life instead. Just turn a blind eye and let the counter-economy address these criminally polluting companies through direct action. Give peas a chance, man!”
  2. “I had just spent millions of chips on clear-cutting that manky old beach-forest and putting up a brand new cargo docks for my business partners and importers, when these filthy garden-variety criminals came along. They used jackhammers in the dead of night and tore up my pristine concrete creation!” explains oppressed big-business executive Jamie Connery, while caressing the spine of an Ayn Bland novel like a pet. “Instead of a beautiful expanse of colourful shipping containers on a plain of glorious grey stone, there’s now ugly grass, flowers and apple saplings! Arrest these trespassers! In fact, sentence them to hard labour putting things back how they should be.”
  3. “Look, everybody loves broccoli, but we can’t just let people grow food without permission!” notes Moana Kennedy, your Agricultural Minister. “Forget the trespassing: these maniacs are growing runner beans that are sometimes a whole inch longer than industry regulations allow! What this country needs is strict new laws and more agents to enforce them in order to properly regulate this regenerative trend and ensure that any and all gardens being planted are conforming to official standards. These guerrilla farmers can’t be trusted to act responsibly; only through wise cultivation under my agency’s guidance can we properly manage agriculture.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizen radio operators agree that the certification test can open up a world of hertz.

2021-05-31 10:00

Hamming It Up

At a recent event you attended, your security detail was suddenly roused to action by a spate of unknown transmissions loudly received on their ear pieces. After quickly ensuring your safety, guards soon traced the source back to an amateur radio club innocently setting up operations in a nearby lot.

  1. “Aren’t ham radios great?” exclaims tweenaged club member Jacob Marconi, gleefully turning dials on some kind of base station. “With one of these, a person can talk to friends across town, or fellow enthusiasts all the way on the other side of The Hatrackia! You should make sure every kid in Random Chaos has the opportunity to learn about and use these radios! What better way to spread our nation’s message than a free transmitter for every home, and total freedom of the airwaves?”
  2. “I’m delighted to see so much interest in this technology!” remarks your Minister for Bureaucratizing Everything, writing down their remarks to file away later. “We should dedicate a certain segment of the nation’s frequency spectrum for such enthusiasts! We just need some regulations to avoid conflicts like what occurred today… I know! Certifications! If an interested Random Chaosian can pass a government-mandated training program, we let them loose. I’ll get to work on the requirements at once.”
  3. “Frankly, Leader, what happened just proves that the general public can’t be trusted with their own transmissions,” growls your lead bodyguard, looking up from a carefully-filled box score. “We need to keep the radio waves clear for security personnel, emergency dispatchers, and legitimate professional broadcasters for important things like the gamblerball World Championship! If somebody has something to say, let them find work as a professional.”
  4. “I’ve seen technology in other countries similar to a really upgraded version of the radio!” offers aspiring tech entrepreneur Miranda Capulet, who was fiddling with some electronics nearby. “Citizens can plug into devices called ‘modems’ so they don’t occupy the airwaves. They also have keyboards for entering text-based information, monitors to see what they’re working on, and even programs that can run productivity software or play games! Allow this technology, and you’ll never have to worry about radio interference again!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Unexpected Death Rate.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government officials have to mortgage their homes to make ends meet.

2021-05-31 04:00

A Taxing Dilemma

Citizens staged a mass protest against ‘monolithic’ tax rates after the government recently instituted the ‘Anything That’s Purple’ tax.

  1. “The tax situation in Random Chaos is ridiculous,” says Thaddeus Sullivan at the protest. “The taxes keep getting piled on and yet - I hasten to add - the government doesn’t seem to realise that they already have practically all our money! We’ve been reduced to bartering for goodness sake! I haven’t seen a decent wad of chips in years! It’s bad for Random Chaos, but more importantly, it’s bad for business. We must take huge cuts out of the government budget. Even if it does mean less education, healthcare, and whatnot.”
  2. “You can’t!” cries Bill Caldwell, the National Treasurer. “They don’t seem to realise that if we cut taxes, it will drastically underfund our public services! All our environmental work, our education system, our healthcare system - all will go kaput! Random Chaos depends on these taxes, we need the money! Don’t let the people fritter it away on luxuries, ‘cos they’ll soon be complaining about there not being enough policemen on the beat. We’ll tax the shirts off their backs and they’ll be damn well happy about it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's best to decline if Leader offers to buy a round of drinks.

2021-05-30 22:00

Couped Up

Outrage echoes through the hallowed halls of government. Your ungrateful Minister of the Interior claims you are an autocrat and has been drumming up support for a coup.

  1. “Come now, Leader, surely you see that this is all a misunderstanding,” coos Minister of the Interior Kencha McCarthy, massaging your shoulders. “I think our problem is a failure to communicate. You never listen to anyone’s ideas but your own anymore. I felt sidelined. Our relationship needs to be more of a two-way street, or it just won’t work. Politics can’t be all me-me-me. How about I promise to stop trying to overthrow you, you promise to listen more, and we all turn over a new leaf. How does that sound?”
  2. “Are you serious?” cries Minister of Defence Peggy Solo, as she sits in the corner beheading toy soldiers. “Traitors are the lowest form of scum and should be treated as such. Many could have died in this proposed mutiny, not to mention that they were trying to deliberately oust the nation’s rightful leader! We must treat this man as the dangerous and unstable individual he is, and punish him in the only correct way for treasonous pond-life: by hanging, drawing and scattering his wicked body to the four winds for the birds to feast upon. Or, you could just chop his head off if you’re feeling generous.”
  3. “There is always another way around these matters,” hisses the Secret Police’s Head of Scientific Cunning, Xerxes Bowman. “Merely pretend you agree and go for a drink with the traitor. My employees and I have found a new type of poison; it’s completely undetectable and perfectly mimics a heart attack, disappearing from the bloodstream within several hours. Slip this into any beverage and the drinker won’t be at work the next morning. The poor Minister is getting on in years, anyway. And what with all the negative press coverage about his being a disgusting traitor... perhaps the stress was simply too much to handle?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, glamping Random Chaosians won't sleep in a tent that doesn't include a Jacuzzi.

2021-05-30 16:00

A Walk in the Park

The Gambler Forest is the largest national park in Random Chaos, but it is rarely visited by Random Chaosians or tourists. Various lobbyists have taken to hassling you about the continued use and purpose of this land.

  1. “Don’t let this poll deceive you; people these days actually yearn for the outdoors,” opines out-of-touch park ranger Vanna Harel. “We just need to totally revamp this park and all the rest of our national forests, campsites, and visitor centers while we’re at it. We’ll start by adding the necessities like luxury cabins, souvenirs, and trees you can drive through! By the time we’re done, people who visit our parks will be able to tell the difference between a Brancalandian noir cedar and a Random Chaosian black cedar!”
  2. “What? And waste all that valuable raw material?” barks your Minister of Land Development, Cassandra O. “I’m sure that there are plenty of nations out there that would kill to use our wood to build something. And once the wood is gone, we dig for gold! I just know it’s there somewhere beneath all that tree-covered wasteland. Never mind all that environmental hoopla about polluted water tables; I’m sure you could start giving out filters to the public and they’ll all be fine.”
  3. “I have an... alternative solution,” whispers your Minister of Alternative Solutions, Ayn Contra. “We could use the park to stage international training operations for our allies. I’m sure Marche Blanche would love our aid in developing ‘defensive strategies’ against Marche Noire, and I hear they are willing to pay big chips for the help. We can even keep the park open to the public to show that nothing shady or nefarious is going on. That’s a win-win-win in my book!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rubbing salt into wounds is seen as a good thing if it is 100% organic garlic-and-thyme salt.

2021-05-30 10:00

O Medication, Where Art Thou?

Healthcare professionals around the country are in an uproar due to a five-month shortage of the popular broad-spectrum antibiotic dankomycin, despite claims by the drug manufacturer that production levels are currently adequate for market demand.

  1. “Leader, this is simply unacceptable,” rages Random Chaos City General Hospital Chief of Staff Jules C. McGill, twirling his stethoscope like a pair of nunchakus. “These companies own the patents for dankomycin and other drugs that are currently facing shortage. This means no other companies can produce these drugs, and our patients continue to suffer. Drug patents should be cancelled when supplies are short so that others can take up the production shortfall, and so we can treat our patients properly.”
  2. “Now wait just a minute!” exclaims Mizer CEO Lilly Baxter as she struggles against McGill. “By releasing the patent we will never be able to recoup our R&D costs and create new medications! If anything, you need to take a good hard look at retraining those crackpot doctors who keep giving antibiotics to everyone with the sniffles! If they weren’t so liberal with their prescribing then we wouldn’t need so many new antibiotics in the first place!”
  3. “You know, all this talk of copyrights and the cost of researching drugs has me thinking about the overall process,” states your Secretary of Health Kefauver Harris. “What if we just got rid of the regulations that lead to expensive medications? If drug companies aren’t spending so much money on testing and research and development then surely that will decrease the cost of drugs at the consumers’ end!”
  4. “Surely you can’t be serious about gutting consumer protections!” exclaims Minister of Regulations Linnae Zolid. “Those regulations are in place for a purpose: to protect the public! Even so, changing regulations will do nothing to ease the shortage of the vaunted dankomycin anyways. The only option forward is plainly obvious. Force the drug companies who own the patents to manufacture enough medication until this and any future shortages are relieved.”
  5. Suddenly, without warning, your least favorite aunt from your mother’s side bursts into your office. “Junior, don’t you know that the drugs our people are taking are filled with dirty chemicals such as magnesium stearate and sodium lauryl sulfate? Instead of drugs, you should provide people with organic herbs such as the ones my health guru sold me!” Before you can reply, she shoves a handful of repulsive ‘herbs’ into your mouth, which you realize are nothing more than common garden flowers.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young children are regularly seen wagering pocket money at blackjack tables.

2021-05-30 04:00

Child Casino Shock

Children as young as eight have been spotted gambling in some of Random Chaos’s seedier casinos.

  1. Social activist Sonequa Peña is outraged. “Gambling needs to be outlawed immediately. It’s no wonder children are becoming sucked into the vice, with adults setting such a poor example. Gambling is a stain on Random Chaos’s international reputation and it must be stopped!”
  2. However, Crown Casino chairperson Ayla Watson says, “What’s wrong with children gambling? It prepares them for the realities of life, teaching them that success or failure is not due to hard work or intelligence, but the roll of the dice. Besides, if kids weren’t gambling, they’d be spray painting trains.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the true length of the coastline of Random Chaos may never be measured.

2021-05-29 22:00

Covering All the Angles

Last weekend, every single participant in the Annual Random Chaosian Freshwater Fishing Competition was arrested for angling in violation of environmental laws. A large group of furious fishermen and outraged officials have forced their way upstream into your office, hoping that you’ll go for their argument hook, line, and sinker.

  1. “The law says we must pay an insane amount for fishing licenses, which we all did,” grumbles Samus Hernandez, five-time winner of the competition. “The law says each person can only keep a dozen gamblerfish per day, which we all did. The law says we can only fish in rivers and streams, which we were all doing. We go by the book and follow all of your inane laws, and yet you still arrest the lot of us! We demand that you let us off the hook, and free fishing while you’re at it. Remove all the hoops to jump through, and we’ll get along swimmingly.”
  2. “Don’t listen to those hoodlums; they know full well what they were doing,” growls Amelia Parker, your Minister of Waterway Nomenclature. “Our laws say that fishing is allowed in rivers, streams, and inlets. However, these delinquents were fishing in the north fork of the Gambler River, which — as we all know — is a branch. And the law clearly states that fishing in brooks, tributaries, branches, and creeks is illegal. It’s really quite simple, Leader, yet people always deny that they are in the wrong. We need much harsher punishments for violations of environmental regulations to deter this abhorrent lawlessness.”
  3. “Actually, it isn’t quite that simple,” explains Elmo Vonnegut, your Minister of Estuaries, Deltas, Forks, and Convergences. “You can try to slap labels on all you want, but Random Chaos’s hydrological system is incredibly complex and interconnected. Where exactly does Random Chaos City Stream turn into Random Chaos City Creek? We simply don’t have enough information to make these decisions properly. It’s great that we’re protecting our environment, but we must now invest in understanding it.”
  4. “Absolute nonsense!” declares Kayla Cruise, who is both your Minister of Redundancy Reduction and Director of the Elimination of Redundancy Office. “You have two full ministries, with countless employees each, dedicated to deciding what is and isn’t a river. I’ll help you, Leader: if it is flowing water, it’s a river! Think of how much taxpayer money we could save by eliminating all these useless paper pushers.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teenagers performing appendectomies on their friends has become a popular schoolyard prank.

2021-05-29 16:00

Saving Your Own Foreskin

Bill Rice, the fastest amateur swimmer in Random Chaos, recently acknowledged that his parents had him circumcised when he was younger for “aerodynamic purposes”. This has caused considerable debate throughout the Free Land, and people have taken to ambushing you while you’re out for your evening meal.

  1. “This is sick and wrong!” vents trilby-clad protester Jake Yeltsin, flinging a copy of a news article strategically between you and your meal. “How can people think that mutilating diaper parts is okay? Religions and cults be damned. As you can read in this editorial, the paper’s resident doctor proves beyond doubt that non-necessary circumcision has a host of negative effects. It doesn’t matter that they’re a doctor of journalism and not urology; it’s basically the same thing. Bar emergency medical reasons, you must make circumcision illegal in all circumstances.”
  2. “Oy veh! Don’t get between me, my kid, and our religion!” blusters restaurateur Ariel Goldberg, admonishing the trilby-clad protester and knocking over your glass of water in the process. “This kibitzer has nothing but disdain for our way of life - or the right to privacy! There are many opinion pieces and medical papers on circumcision telling of positive effects and, for me personally, my religion demands it! Look, you’re a mensch, so I know you’ll allow circumcision to continue; and, more importantly, allow parents to decide on circumcision if the bubalas are too young.”
  3. “Hey now, there is room for compromise,” interjects Fumiko Erso, a cosmetic surgeon at a nearby table, as she pockets a butter knife to add to her collection. “You see, we could ban all elective surgical procedures until a certain age, and then let the patients themselves make informed decisions on whether they want these procedures or not. It will take some extra funding to actually teach kids about different surgeries, to be sure, but that should have no negative effects on the population. I hope. Nonetheless, you can’t put a price on informed decisions!”
  4. “You people are all rather annoying,” sighs Tim Magellan, your friend and dinner guest who has had to sit through the preceding debate while trying, at the same time, to eat currywurst. “Leader, do me a favor and teach these disrespectful intruders a lesson in etiquette. Make all body modification illegal. Yes, illegal - under all circumstances, medical need or no. That will show these three for daring to interrupt our lovely evening. On the bright side, it should also disrupt that awful ‘body-mod’ scene that is simply ... distasteful.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, environmental officials dismiss uncontrolled wildfires burning down major cities as nature taking its course.

2021-05-29 10:00

Only Leader Can Prevent Forest Fires

Large forest fires are raging across Random Chaos. Tens of thousands of acres have already been burned, houses in rural communities have been destroyed, and the resultant smoke has drifted into Random Chaos City, ruining your plans to spend the day tanning.

  1. “This is just another example of public sector failure,” opines former timber baron and current timber industry lobbyist Bolin Palpatine. “Put these forests back in our hands, and we’ll have these forest humming again in no time - with chainsaws, that is. We’ll clear out all this built-up fuel faster than you can say, ‘TIMBER’. You can even call us environmentalists because it’s in our own interest to plant new trees, and then cut them down again, of course.”
  2. “That’s just not cool, man,” mutters Heech, of the stoner comedy duo Heech and Hemp. “These forests have evolved with fire for aeons. The problem is Man, man. We need to stop ‘managing’ forests and just let the fires do their thing. Communities living in forested areas need to either move out or adapt to fires. As for the smoke...” He pauses and takes a long puff of something you can’t quite see, then after coughing uncontrollably for a while adds: “...we just need to adapt.”
  3. “No!” cries former martial arts prodigy and current forest ranger Gillian Venkman, while bribing you with a picnic basket that was allegedly taken from a bear. “We just need a bit more money. Not just for fire suppression, but for preventative measures, like creating defensible spaces around homes, thinning out logs and small trees, prescribed fire, and arresting potential arsonists. Fires will be smaller and more manageable and everyone will be happy.”
  4. “All this hand-wringing about forest land management is so interesting,” sarcastically comments Llewellyn Coulson, whose family lost their home to the fire. “Oh, wait, no, I don’t care, BECAUSE MY HOUSE BURNT DOWN! Thousands of people have lost their homes and what are you doing about it? We need emergency help now. Let’s take all the money we’re wasting on so-called ‘land management’ and put it into something useful, like disaster relief and rebuilding our homes and communities.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, residents of ageing concrete tower blocks have vital renovation work stopped by Brutalism enthusiasts.

2021-05-29 04:00

A Green History Lesson

Inspired by the message of environmentalism, Gore al-Vidal — the latest scion of an old family — decided to install solar panels on his home. However, his house is also the centuries-old Summer Palace, a world-famous and highly-prized example of 18th-century Random Chaosian architecture.

  1. “Well, I say Leader, this is all fuss over nothing,” asserts al-Vidal, while inspecting the nutritional information on the side of a green juice box. “The world will be a wonderful place once everyone pitches in to save the environment. These solar panels cover all the electricity and heating needs of my sixty bedroom ancestral home. I think your government should follow in my footsteps! Put solar panels on every government property to show the world that we mean to take a stand against climate change! Think of the future!”
  2. “Simple vandalism, that’s what this is,” rages Professor Ethel Dodinas, a lecturer in Enlightenment history, putting her fist through a priceless stained glass window as she waves her arms around in anger. “This palace is a unique structure, with key architectural experiments in its design. To cover up the world famous tile-work would be an eyesore and an irreparable blow to historical preservation! You must maintain a list of culturally significant locales that cannot be tampered with, for the sake of posterity. Think of the past!”
  3. “Wait, why is an entire property of this size being powered and heated for just one resident?” asks egalitarian socialist Ken LeCarré, as he rearranges the documents on your desk into eight stacks of exactly equal height. “We should seize this and other oversized homes as state property, and reassign the living space on a fairer basis to house the homeless. Let’s face it - this wealthy landowner’s ancestors got their wealth through exploitation and violence. Meanwhile, there’s poor people living on the streets, right now! Think of the present!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos is increasingly belligerent on the international stage.

2021-05-28 22:00

The Empire Strikes First?

Reports indicate that several neighbouring nations are engaged in major weapons programs in contravention of international law and treaty, focusing public discourse on Random Chaos’s foreign policy—specifically, its position on preemptive strikes.

  1. “We need to respond to these terrorist scumbags!” roars General Sierra Zhimo, turning a slightly alarming shade of purple. “I say we announce any illegal weapons program will be treated as an act of war! The risk of harsh words turning into an endless conflict that mires our troops in far-off lands for years at a time is a small price to pay for national security! If you don’t act now, these foreigners will think they can push us around forever! They must be taught a lesson, for the good of the Free Land!”
  2. Diplomatic bureaucrat Ashley Fernandez remarks calmly, “There’s no need to go off half-cocked. It would be much better if we used an appropriate international body—the World Assembly, say, or a The Hatrackia tribunal—to investigate these rumours objectively for us. That way we have the international community on our side, and no one can accuse us of playing judge and jury. It will be well worth the extra diplomatic costs and bureaucratic red tape.”
  3. “If these countries don’t respect international law, why would they respect international agencies?” wonders political analyst Federico Martinez. “Our neighbours are acquiring these weapons for a reason: no one wants to pick a fight with a country that has weapons of mass destruction. The solution is simple: if we have WMDs of our own, they won’t dare to strike at us. It may seem mad, but in this crazy world, it’s the sanest thing we could do.”
  4. Noted pacifist and tambourine artist Kitty Smiley replies, “As usual, our nation’s proud leaders can only see violent solutions to our problems abroad. Wouldn’t it be refreshing if they focused on achieving peace through communication and accommodation, rather than force of arms? You may call me a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gay men commonly complain about their time of the month.

2021-05-28 16:30

Blood Type: Gay Positive

Zebediah Plath, a young man prevented from donating much-needed blood because of his sexuality, has been on a media blitz after popular queer magazine Out! picked up and disseminated the story. With the newscycle being dominated by the topic, your inundated press office has requested you come to a decision on what to do. In that vein, you’ve called all parties to the case to your office.

  1. “I know this may seem discriminatory, but it’s for very good reasons,” begins hematologist Dr. Daniel Acula. “Statistics show that men who have sex with men have a much higher chance of being infected with diseases which can’t be immediately detected or treated — like VODAIS, for example. Allowing them to donate blood would pose the risk of infecting innocent people who need blood transfusions. We must protect the blood supply and forbid men who have sex with men from donating blood. As a scientist, I absolutely insist.”
  2. “This is simply outrageous!” Plath stresses loudly. “Banning gay people from donating blood because of some outdated statistics is just an excuse to keep a homophobic hangover from another time. The vast majority of people who donate blood, gay or straight, are free from infection. These doctors are worried about infection but straight people can have infected blood too! VODAIS is no longer a gay disease. You need the blood; we have the blood. Instead of banning certain groups from donating, how about you spend more money on developing more advanced methods of detecting infected blood quicker?”
  3. “As always, no-one sees the obvious solution,” says Jane deVries, your Health Minister. “We should allow gay men to donate blood but, to keep the risk of infection low, mandate that gay men who want to donate blood go through monthly medical checks to make sure they’re ‘clean’. That way no-one gets infected, while gay people can donate. Everyone is happy!”
  4. “But the LORD sayeth YOU SHALLETH NOT prick the finger of THE GAYETH because you might becometh GAYETH yourself. Eth!” shouts Sherlock Latham, representative of some faith groups within Random Chaos. “The gays want to donate blood to infect everyone with their gayness! Don’t let that happen, Leader. Not only do we need to ban gays from giving blood, we need to ban them, PERIOD! For the people. DO ITETH in the name of the LORDETH!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fireworks and other big bangs are forbidden during the newest public holiday.

2021-05-28 10:00

Give Us a Break, Leader

A recent opinion survey carried out by the Leader Fan Club has suggested that you are the most beloved and accomplished head of state in the history of Random Chaos. They’re suggesting that to celebrate this good news, a brand new public holiday would put the hoi polloi in even greater admiration of your glorious leadership.

  1. “Patriots Day!” exclaims Naki Atwood, an excitable junior civil servant who carries a picture of you in her wallet, and is always trying to get you to notice her. “The national anthem would be played all day long on TV and radio. There’d be carnivals in the streets showcasing our traditional clothes, dance, music and food. It will be fun for the kids too, as they can decorate their bicycles in the national colours of Random Chaos and win prizes for the best decorations. And looking over the festivities, a sixty-foot tall portrait of you, our most beloved leader!”
  2. “A celebration isn’t a bad idea, but you’re looking at it from the wrong perspective,” offers Army General and author of the book Why Leader Is Our Greatest Strategic Asset, Tyrion Gilbreth. “An Armed Forces Day is what we need. Can you picture it now? A million armed men and women marching in perfect unison through the streets of Random Chaos City, eyes right as they turn heads to salute you. Then, battalions of our newest armoured vehicles, followed by the best part: our biggest missiles on trailers. What a sight to behold! And all the civilians can be forced to be spectators; they wouldn’t dare oppose that considering all the guns on show!”
  3. “Public holidays have traditionally been of a religious nature,” intones Burl Meyer, Professor of Religious Studies at the University of Random Chaos City. “Why don’t we celebrate the holy moment of the creation of the world? Regardless of our faith, we can all agree that it is irrefutable that the hand of the divine was what set the universe in motion. Universe Creation Day is the holiday Random Chaos needs.”
  4. Guinan Stromburg, the top undertaker in Random Chaos, has the final say. “I haven’t had a day off for twenty-five years. I don’t need a day off, and all these work-shy layabouts shouldn’t have one either. Leader, we don’t need another public holiday. In fact, we don’t need any public holidays. Get rid of them all; it will be good for the economy.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the new biography of Leader is subtitled "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Hate the Bomb".

2021-05-28 04:00

The End Was Nigh

48 hours ago, Lieutenant Colonel Wangdi Pound of the Random Chaosian Air Defence Force received a nuclear missile detection alert advising him that an ICBM from the hostile nation of Blackacre was inbound for Random Chaos City. According to military protocol, he should have reported this immediately, which would have led to a nuclear counter-strike. However, he suspected a false alarm, and did not alert anyone of his findings until later. Subsequent investigations showed that the system had actually detected a red balloon.

  1. “Wangdi saved the world from apocalypse!” sings Mrs. Pound, his doting mother. “Had he reported this, we would all now be radioactive ash! He should be lauded as a hero, and a saviour of the world’s future! Speaking of the future, you should really put more tax money into malfunction detection training and overhauling the equipment. If my little angel isn’t on duty and something like this happens again, who knows what might happen?”
  2. “Sure, let’s reward him for not doing his job,” sneers your Minister of Propaganda. “We’d become an international laughingstock. Instead, we must pretend this never happened, and Wangdi Pound must be demoted and appropriately disciplined for breaking protocol.” He leans forward to whisper in your ear. “We’ll probably need to do something about his mother, too.”
  3. “The fact that we’re always on the verge of nuclear apocalypse is a real problem here,” suggests Chijioke Wickwire, pacifist author of nonfiction paperback Nukes: What Are They Good For?. “We must get rid of all of our weapons of mass destruction, so we can avoid, you know, destroying the world.”
  4. “Hey, what idiot put a red balloon up there?” asks globophobe Willy Denbrough, who had a bad experience with a clown back in 1986. “They’re a waste of helium and are just useless nasty things. If we ban balloons, we’ll be sure this problem won’t arise again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government projects are full of waste.

2021-05-27 22:30

Gross Domestic Product

The nation’s largest river is vital to Random Chaosians for agricultural irrigation, goods transport and water for both industrial and consumption purposes. However, rising pollution has now rendered the water unfit for human consumption and the river has become nearly unnavigable due to the sheer volume of waste choking it. The final straw for many came when a flaming deluge of feces, trash, and toxic chemicals engulfed riverside areas in downtown Random Chaos City.

  1. “Look, I’m no hippy environmentalist, but this level of pollution is starting to cause real problems for our economy and our health,” moans farmer Westley Benteen after retching in his hazmat suit. “You have to ban factories from dumping waste in the river, and invest in better outflow management to protect our waterways.”
  2. “We can’t slow down industrial development because we’re averse to slightly brown water,” asserts engineer Christopher Gruber. “Instead, we should just dredge the river to remove trash and debris, and create wide concrete-lined channels to let the water flow out to sea faster. Remove dams, divert water from other sources, and we can increase river flow and dilute the problem. Hard engineering for hard ecological problems. It’s not hard.”
  3. “The waters are a gift from the divine,” sensually sighs the Priestess of the Wet God, eagerly slurping the river water as she bathes in it. “This Holy River is always pure and rejuvenating, no matter what mere men may think or fear. The dizziness we feel from inhaling the fumes that rise from the sacred waters is the spiritual ecstasy of communion. The government should inform the people of the great and healthful powers of His Watery Glory’s blessed flow, and indeed bottle the water and deliver it to people across the nation. Nobody should be afraid to take a sip, or a large gulp!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gossip magazines are more interested in astrological stars than celebrity ones.

2021-05-27 16:00

The Queen in Yellow

An undergraduate medical statistician has stumbled across a weird occurrence: three of the five actors involved in a theatrical piece called The Queen in Yellow, as well as over ten percent of the members of the opening night audience, have since received diagnoses of various psychiatric illnesses. The media have picked up on this, labelling it “the play that sends you mad”, and predictably ticket sales are now skyrocketing.

  1. “I, uh...” stutters Cassilda, a former actress in the play, dismissed for ‘creative differences’. “I, uh, cth... think you fh... should stop the sh... show. My dreams haven’t been right since I was in the pl... play. The strange m-moon, the sh-shadows lengthen...”
  2. “Selective reporting!” shouts mathematics professor Camilla Whateley. “It’s like when they claimed that fighter jet pilots were having more female children, all over again. You need to learn how selection bias and basic statistics work. More to the point, the nation needs to learn how these things work. I’d suggest making stats a compulsory part of a properly funded core school curriculum. 85.7% of the seven statisticians I surveyed agree this is a good idea. The other guy, he’s just an annoying smelly little...”
  3. “But...” interjects an excitable stranger with a queer narrow head, a flat nose and bulgy, starry eyes. “But this is the most important theatrical production since Shoggoth on the Roof! Please accept these free tickets from us devoted fans, then personally endorse this wonderful play.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, academics are questioning the quality of the nation's newly-reprinted science textbooks.

2021-05-27 10:00

Beloved “Planet” Has Gone to the Dogs

Outrage has been brewing across the nation since the International Astronomers Council decided to reclassify Fido, Random Chaos’s most beloved planet, as “Just a Really Big Meteoroid.” Now, for some reason, Fido-lovers are looking to you for action.

  1. “Demoting our cherished ‘Dog Planet’ is an insult to Random Chaos!” declares G. C. Sirius, noted Fido-defender and author of ‘Science! (Huh!) What Is It Good For?’ “I don’t need to remind you that Fido is the only planet to be discovered by a Random Chaosian, and now these so-called ‘scientists’ are trying to get rid of it! I bet they’d change their tune if you cut off funding for all the observatories. I think the government needs to take a clear stand and declare that all educational curricula within Random Chaos still consider Fido a planet. Our textbooks need to defend the scientific discoveries of our fellow Random Chaosians!”
  2. “Maybe this isn’t the travesty we think it is?” wonders Gehn Harishchandra, a planetary scientist who has discovered several other Really Big Meteoroids. “After all, the Bigtopian word for ‘crisis’ is the same as the word for ‘big cash payoff’... isn’t it? If you give us some money, we can rig up a cool space probe to blast into the outer part of our system and investigate Fido for ourselves. If pretty pictures aren’t enough to convince the skeptics at the IAC that it is actually a planet, well then, maybe there’s another planet out there for me, I mean, us to find? It’s pretty unlikely we’ll find anything, but it takes so long to get out there; who’s gonna remember the hit to their wallets twenty years from now?”
  3. “Look, the fact of the matter is, Fido is not like all the other planets in our system, and anyone who can’t accept it is a science-denier,” says children’s entertainer Will Zeke the Science Geek, sporting his trademark lab coat and bow tie. “Any government that refuses to heed scientific evidence does not deserve to function. I’m not just talking about space; I’m talking about tackling climate change and teaching evolutionary science in school instead of fairy tales about Adele and Steve!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Eco-Friendly Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, political dissidents are cut off from essential services.

2021-05-27 04:00

Random Chaos Is Never Ever Getting Back Together... Like Ever

After a printing error on the official Random Chaosian map left off the tiny Gambler Peninsula, its sole inhabitant, Mike Ronation, declared independence from Random Chaos. Following his arrest of a mailman who failed to enter the “proper customs”, a group of concerned citizens have asked you to address the threat posed by Mr. Ronation. His protest has already spawned several secessionist movements almost overnight.

  1. “Traitor!” roars Xanatos Allen, a controversial nationalist politician, before screaming a tirade of obscenities. “This is absolutely ludicrous. We have to send a message to people like this Ronation scumbag! You do not secede from Random Chaos. It’s that simple. For the good of our glorious Free Land, we must invade and bomb Ronation’s home. In fact, once this is all over, we should have our military patrol the streets of this great country to send a message to other terrorists who are thinking of doing the same thing. Sure, some people might call this an invasion of freedom of speech, but for the sake of national unity, we must clamp down on the other ingrates following in his footsteps.”
  2. “That won’t be good for PR,” chimes in your spokesperson, Conan Frederickson, while drafting your latest speech. “Considering how Mr. Ronation is no longer a part of Random Chaos, he should no longer be entitled to our services. The more humane thing to do would be to ignore him, save for cutting off all essential services like water, electricity, and telecoms. We won’t need to wait long before Mr. Ronation begs us to take him back. We can of course tax the Violet out of him when he returns. That will be much more effective - and cheaper - than sending in the troops. Then the groups he inspired will surely fall back in line!”
  3. “Making him needlessly suffer seems a tad bit extreme,” suggests Mike’s concerned grandmother Daenerys McFly. “Sure, I’m a little upset that Mike doesn’t want to be part of our wonderful country and that he tried to snap that mailman’s neck, but you have to look at it from both perspectives. If the government wants to win back Mike and the secessionists he instigated, they could start by allowing greater autonomy to regions that want it. I’m sure that Mikey will gladly return to us if you show a little love and understanding.”
  4. “The government can suck up to Mike as much as it wants, but it won’t change a thing,” rebuffs Jacques Strap, leader of a secessionist movement inspired by Mike Ronation’s protest. “There is no excuse for the government to be treating Mike as a criminal when he has done nothing wrong. The government needs to leave him alone. In fact, the government should allow anyone to separate from Random Chaos, so we can finally be free from the oppressive force of big government.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, meat-eating is frowned upon.

2021-05-26 22:00

Animal Liberation Front Strikes Again

The increasingly militant Animal Liberation Front struck again last night, freeing dozens of chickens bound for delicious snack packs.

  1. “These nuts have got to be stopped,” demands concerned consumer Gyunmin Berenstain. “They need to face the fact people want snack packs, no matter how many innocent chickens must be sacrificed. Besides, chickens would do the same to us if they had the chance.”
  2. “These Liberationists are highlighting an important issue,” pleads Mamiko Guilliman. “Too often, animals are put through needless cruelty, just to make their flesh taste a little more deliciously succulent. I’m sure we could ban the more horrific abuses without putting too much of a dent in our national obesity figures. Couldn’t we?”
  3. “Animals have feelings too!” yells protestor Sejong Navarrete, before being set upon by hungry passers-by. “Free the animals! Ban meat-eating!”
  4. Economist Andy Thomas has an alternative. “You don’t need to take away the people’s right to choose. You just need to build the costs of animal suffering into the price. A tax on meat-eating, in proportion to the amount of cruelty involved, would do the trick. Plus think of the benefit for the national coffers! Of course, poor people wouldn’t be able to afford meat, but that’s just more incentive for them to get jobs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's no representation without taxation.

2021-05-26 16:00

Sales on Rails

Commuting train passengers are complaining about unofficial vendors trying to sell things to them.

  1. “These people are annoying and outrageous,” screams commuter Britney Robinson, getting so far into your personal space that she is treading on your toes. “I ride the metro every day to go to work, and I’m constantly harassed by these noisy vendors! I have to yell down my phone so my clients are able to hear what I’m saying. You have to ban all vendors from trains immediately!”
  2. Freelance vendor Gyelbu Zoidberg strides into your office confidently, carrying a box of crackers. “I sell dem crackers on trains and buses every day, and dat’s how I make a livin’! People buys dem too, so clearly they wants me there! I reckon dem government should get outta’ the way and let people earn a few chips.” He waves a small bag of ROTS® crackers in your face. “Buy dem now, buy three get one free!”
  3. Late to the meeting, and with a messy stack of disorganized papers in her arms, your Minister of Finance shows up. “We must acknowledge that a sizeable portion of some citizens’ incomes comes from these entrepreneurial activities, but equally, we should have some level of regulation by selling official retail licenses, which in turn will boost the national treasury. After all, we deserve our share. These are free samples, yes?” She helps herself to a bag of crackers, and walks out.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, decongestants have replaced chips in street transactions.

2021-05-26 10:00

Crystal Clear Sinuses

With methamphetamine on (and in) the minds of many Random Chaosians, law enforcement officials have suggested limiting access to meth precursor chemicals, such as pseudoephedrine, a common nasal decongestant sold in pharmacies across the country.

  1. “Drugstores are being taken advantage of, and what a darn shame it is,” laments rural sheriff Ronald Cummings. “If we’re gonna stop this methampheta-meltdown, we need’a restrict the sale of meth precursors. Doing so will stomp the brakes on meth makers, who require ‘em in bulk to keep up their deadly production. A reasonable monthly limit and requiring a valid prescription from a licensed doctor ain’t a bad idea, if y’all ask me.”
  2. “Seriously, you don’t think I have enough work to do without being hassled by junkies for prescriptions?” complains stressed-looking family doctor Aldo Kowalski. “Cough medicines and decongestants don’t do much more than honey-and-lemon or steam from a bowl of hot water anyway. Just make all these precursors illegal, and crack down harder on recreational drug trade while you’re at it.”
  3. “Restricting pseudoephedrine sales only hurts responsible, law-abiding citizens!” passionately exclaims Medical Rights Association spokesperson Dorothy Rolfe. “I’m no criminal, I just buy my meds by the metric tonne for my allergies, and a few extra as presents for my similarly allergy-stricken friends! Show some trust in Random Chaosians, and deregulate these drugs!”
  4. “I mean, the whole making meth at home thing is not as easy as certain TV shows would have you believe,” complains your nephew, rapidly finger-tapping a repeating pattern because of his drug-induced OCD. “Why don’t you just legalise methamphetamines, and users can then buy crystal meth from proper suppliers who know what they’re doing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, light entertainment shows are light on actual entertainment.

2021-05-26 04:00

Random Chaos Falls Flat in Singing Contest

Last night, in the finals of popular reality TV contest The Hatrackiavision, the Random Chaosian representative lost, despite giving what almost all critics in Random Chaos have declared to be a superior performance. The enraged masses have inexplicably decided that the best course of action is to storm your office to voice their complaints.

  1. “It was rigged!” chants real housewife of Random Chaos City, Peggy Carter Karsprintian, who is so angered that she is speaking at a pace you’re having trouble keeping up with. “Half the judges looked to be Maxtopian to me, and you know what those people think of us and our culture. The contest must be rerun, this time with more unbiased judges from Random Chaos. If the rest of The Hatrackia doesn’t agree, threaten trade sanctions, heck, maybe even outright war. Our national pride depends on this!”
  2. “Clearly, the rest of The Hatrackia are just uncultured idiots!” crescendoes Grogu Howard, who was recently voted the country’s most-eligible bachelor. “If they can’t appreciate us, who needs them? The government should sponsor its own patriotic song contest! Call it Random Chaosian Idol, only let native-born Random Chaosians compete, and let Random Chaosians vote for a winner. A song for the people, by the people, to the people, from the people. Or something.”
  3. “For sure, everyone knows that The Hatrackiavision always has every nation giving top marks to their favourite historic allies,” intones reality show survivor Geoff Probes. “Maybe instead you should be asking why other nations don’t feel inclined to treat Random Chaos that way. Maybe you should be investing more in diplomacy, in mutual-backscratching, in favorable trade deals traded for agreeable song contest votes. This is how the world works, and we should be learning to play nice with our neighbors.”
  4. “If you ask me, these low-brow shows are making your average Random Chaosian no smarter than a 5th-grader,” croons your apprentice, after finally clearing the rabble from your office. “If only more shows on TV were serious, like 60 Clock-ticks, or informative, like Will Zeke the Science Geek, then television could actually help create a smarter, more refined populace.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the population's jaw muscles put sharks to shame.

2021-05-25 22:00

A Sticky Situation

While lounging on a curiously sticky bench in Random Chaos City, you begin to notice that almost every passer-by seems to be mysteriously stuck to the pavement. Upon closer inspection, you realise that the ground is covered in chewing gum, which has in turn caused the unfortunate - and admittedly amusing - predicament that the pedestrians have now found themselves in. You are soon approached by a colorful mob of people, the majority of which are barely able to lift their own legs.

  1. “Every time I go on a run, I always find at least one piece of gum on my shoe!” screeches Marjorie Jones, whilst furiously picking herself up off the ground. “I always end up stepping in the stuff, and it’s always a pain to get off. Gum is a health hazard, and it should be banned before anyone else finds themselves chewing the pavement! If somebody has a problem with that, then they can just find something else to gnaw on.”
  2. “Don’t listen to that gum-hating buffoon,” exclaims the CEO of Suborbit Gum, Minté Breff, while chewing loudly. “Banning gum will cause a tremendous uproar of unnecessary proportions! Gum can help people study and concentrate, all whilst they taste our selection of great flavours; something that the government would surely support and even subsidise! You can have my gum when you pry it out of my cold, dead mouth.”
  3. “Why not look for a different solution?” asks Sirrus Rabin, as he helps his son clean gum from his shoes. “How about we place more trashcans? Place a few here and there, fine anyone that doesn’t put their gum into them, and I guarantee that this problem will go away. All of this gum will give these trashcans a fresh and much more bearable smell!” He abruptly turns towards his son, who has now wandered away. “Stop smelling the bins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there is a law against "filthy foreign food".

2021-05-25 16:00

Embargoed In

A coalition of economically powerful nations have made headlines by installing an embargo against Random Chaos, citing the nation’s weapons of mass destruction program as “alarmingly large and detrimental to world peace.” It is predicted that serious damage to the economy may be imminent, with particular emphasis laid on the loss of trade in agricultural produce between Random Chaos and these countries.

  1. “This is an outrage!” yells Mary Smit, CEO of Megafruit Imports, kicking over a crate of unexported and slightly rotten-looking Random Chaosian kumquats in rage. “So what if Random Chaos might have stepped on a few toes here and there? All we’re guilty of is being a strong and proud nation. Send the navy in to blockade their ports, and they’ll soon come crawling back.”
  2. “Are we really going to risk starting war over this?” quails Solya Bond, your Minister of Dairies, shaking in fear behind his pineapple milkshake. “Even if we win, the problem isn’t just that these nations are not trading with us, it’s that our agricultural economy isn’t self-sufficient. With some significant investments from the government and a ban on all imports, I’m sure we can achieve food security and a state of absolute economic independence from foreign trade.”
  3. “Plenty more fish in the sea,” shrugs your Minister for Trade, looking remarkably calm about the entire situation. “There’s plenty of smuggl... er, enterprising traders in these nations perfectly willing to facilitate trade between ourselves and the nations in this so-called ‘Coalition’. Sure, it’s a bit on the dodgy side legally speaking, but I’m sure we’ll muddle through somehow!”
  4. “Maybe we should listen to this coalition’s entirely reasonable demands, and scale back our weapons programs,” muses your Foreign Minister, munching on a Maxtopian mango. “It’s not like we really need that many smallpox-infused nuclear warheads, is it? Then, legume trade can proceed.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Jennifer Government is banned.

2021-05-25 10:00

Jennifer Government Censorship Row

A new book, Jennifer Government, by Max Barry, has been causing quite a stir in governmental offices across Random Chaos.

  1. “At first I liked the book,” says famous politician Emory Janssen, “but then it clearly turned out to be just a mockery of our government! This is brainwashing our citizens into thinking that they’re being governed badly. I suggest we hang, draw and quarter the author of this book and take satires off the shelves!”
  2. “Don’t be silly,” says book reviewer Kellyanne Price, “it’s a great book and you don’t necessarily have to take the views inside seriously! If anything, there should be more satires. Maybe then we’ll get the right people in charge of this messed-up country!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens and Highest Unexpected Death Rate.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an IT mega-corporation has a patent pending on the rectangle.

2021-05-25 04:00

Defending Patent Pending

Pear Industries, one of Random Chaos’s largest consumer electronics companies, wishes to bring a lawsuit against a small technology firm for making use of a piece of electronics they developed. The smaller firm is imploring the government to maintain its recent anti-copyright laws, which they claim legally extend to patents.

  1. “Patents are simply a tool for large companies to abuse entrepreneurs and the consumer!” argues small-time inventor and part-time champagne socialist, Winston Ono. “They use their huge legal departments to muscle out any smaller company that might ‘pose a threat’. The government’s ban of patents gave us all access to the advances those fat-cats have been sitting on all these years. You want to throw that all away so some guy can add a few more zeros to the end of his bank account?”
  2. “My team poured years of research and millions of chips into developing this component,” claims Pear’s dressed-down CEO, Steve Tasks. “It’s our blood, sweat and tears that led to this breakthrough. You must allow companies greater claim over their discoveries. We need patents. We need copyrights. They are the incentive that keeps inventors inventing. Respect patents and reinstate copyrights or research will come to a stand-still, and our country will become a technological backwater devoid of any semblance of innovation.”
  3. “The only thing that’s clear from this is that SCIENCE isn’t getting enough funding,” grumbles eminent, if notoriously disaffected, physicist Cleveland Vangelis. “The only reason we have to spend so much effort protecting our discoveries is because we’re so worried about where our next paycheck is coming from. If the government opened up its coffers to eager scientists, this whole debate would simply go away. Not to mention that government could lay claim to any particularly intriguing discoveries...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a full moon at night lets economists sleep tight.

2021-05-24 22:00

The Fault Is in Our Stars

Your Astrological Advisor has yet again called for an immediate halt to all governmental activities. When questioned, she insisted that it must be done as the skies have been clouded over for several days, thus making astral readings too inaccurate for any important decisions to be made. Flanked by a colorful variety of different personalities and opinions, she has stridden into your office to warn you of great danger.

  1. “It is an omen of the oncoming storm!” cries your Astrological Advisor, tightly clutching her copy of the Random Chaosian Horoscope and a mysterious blue book. “For years the stars have blessed us with their favor, but now that they are gone we can only assume that they have abandoned us! Leader, for the sake of Random Chaos, the government should do as little as possible during these uncertain and dangerous times. You never know what those Gemini folks could be planning!”
  2. “The government’s actions shouldn’t be dictated by such crackpot nonsense!” blusters Francine Campbell, a renowned atheist and Gemini. “As a nation, we must strive to put aside our archaic astrological beliefs and instead focus on a logic-based approach. Only through this can we function properly as a political institution. If this means getting rid of all these so-called star prophets, so be it. Besides, they’re just big spheres of exploding gas!”
  3. “The problem is not in the stars,” laments astronomer Larry Ho, a Capricorn who is feeling somewhat under the weather this week. “Instead, it lies with our tools. We lack the powerful telescopes needed to see through this cloud cover. With a small contribution from the public, we can build a gigantic telescope that will give us pictures of the constellations no matter what the weather may be!”
  4. “Stars, huh, what are they good for?” says self-proclaimed ‘Alternative Diviner’ Edwin Worr, while tossing a handful of asparagus stalks in the air. “We can’t just shut down the government every time a cloud is in the sky. This sort of thing will keep happening again and again and again. If you hire me, I will use more reliable methods such as asparamancy and tyromancy. That way, when I’m done divining, you’ll have delicious asparagus and cheese to eat afterward for no cost at all.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government violently suppresses separatist movements.

2021-05-24 16:00

Most Likely to Secede

A group of bearded militiamen have recently declared rural Marina Chicago County a sovereign and independent nation! Talk radio pundits in Random Chaos are demanding immediate government action.

  1. “Gov’mint’s not workin’ fo’ folks ‘round here,” says Uriah Janssen, a turnip farmer, “We have ourselves a guar-un-teed right to form a gov’mint that works for us. We don’t want any confrontation, now, we just want to shake hands and let ya’ll get along with yer business while we get along with ours.”
  2. “I can’t believe this!” shouts General Bill Sherman. “This is tantamount to treason! Our political system would collapse if whole territories were allowed to leave at any time. It would be chaos! I propose that you let me take care of the problem... permanently.”
  3. “Perhaps we can reach a suitable middle ground,” says an elderly gentleman resting on a park bench, “If we were to bring government close to the people, and allow them to have a modicum of self-determination, perhaps they wouldn’t feel the need to secede. Let’s give the local governments more power.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, homeowners are evicted to make way for new runways.

2021-05-24 10:30

Stakes on a Plane

With global travel soaring, the country’s primary airport, Random Chaos City International, has reached full capacity. Interested parties are queuing up to share their thoughts on what should be done.

  1. “We won’t be ‘International’ for long without a capacity increase,” laments Transport Minister Vanna Young while wringing her hands. “If we want to remain a global hub, we need another runway and we need it now. We’ll have to bulldoze a few houses to clear room, but just think of the chips we’ll make from all those passengers.”
  2. “Our quality of life is what matters,” bellows nearby resident Barack Farmer over the noise of a landing jet. “Why do we even want to be a hub, with all that noise and pollution? What we need is even stricter limits on planes flying over residential areas. And if that means a few planes have to land elsewhere, then much the better.”
  3. “There’s no need to destroy people’s lives just for a new runway,” parries Felicity Mann, Under-Secretary of State for Creative Solutions, “but nor do we need to turn planes away. Why not build an entirely new airport, in the Orilenyo Flow estuary? The planes can fly over the sea, and a bullet train can take passengers to the city centre. Everyone wins - well except for the local wildlife, but what’s a gambler to you or me?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all mothers are allowed six months fully-paid maternity leave.

2021-05-24 04:00

Maternity Leave a Must, Say Mothers

A coalition of expectant mothers (Mothers 4 Justice) has banded together to demand legislation allowing for six months of fully paid maternity leave.

  1. “Six months?! Six WHOLE months?!” blusters Ronald Davis, a payroll manager. “Six whole months of being fully paid by our company for doing nothing but looking after a baby?! This will sink the small businesses and lose us an obscene amount of revenue! We cannot allow this to pass!”
  2. “I believe that passing this law will be a step in the right direction,” says Aldous Kumar, the nation’s most outspoken feminist advocate. “These kids need their mothers’ love and attention during this important stage of their development! I don’t see why mums should be forced to juggle with the stress of bringing up children and having a job! It’s simply too much! Six months maternity leave with full pay is what this country needs - even if it is at the expense of a few avaricious fat cats.”
  3. “Look, I’ve got an idea,” says Dorothy Ross, an obsessive centrist. “Perhaps we can allow for six months of paid maternity leave, but have the government pay the companies for lost revenue? That way the mothers can bring up their children without financial worries, companies won’t lose investors, and everyone will be happy. Apart from the taxpayers, of course, but you can’t please everyone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, late night adverts for breast milk co-ops regularly win pornography industry awards.

2021-05-23 23:00

In the Land of Milk and Money?

A recent survey from the Random Chaosian Directorate for Health showed that a growing minority of the nation’s women are having difficulties producing enough breast milk for their infants. Now a leading breastfeeding advocate has suggested a co-operative scheme in which nursing mothers share surplus milk with other mothers who are having difficulties, for a small profit.

  1. “It’s simple really,” says Jenna Yeltsin, while scattering rose petals all over your office. “All kids should have a chance at the sweet nectar of a mother’s breast, and we’ll provide havens where mothers can share and receive in a relaxed environment. There’ll be velvet cushions, scented candles and mood music. And to facilitate the money part I’ve designed a coin-operated nursing bra that the girls can wear. Would you like me to demonstrate?”
  2. “This is a noble idea,” says Doctor Beth Evans, grey eminence of the national health bureaucracy. “Allowing this dissemination of milk will undoubtedly improve the health of our new baby citizens. However, clearly the government must handle this, as to secure proper hygiene and acceptable safety standards. Mothers can deposit their milk at approved facilities, and those lacking can apply for free rations through the appropriate channels. Let’s not talk of monetary compensation: that is distasteful.”
  3. “And why should this only be eligible for mothers?” counters Neil Magellan, noted libertarian who has embraced his Oedipus complex. “There is a wider market here, and we should acknowledge that. Who wouldn’t want breast milk with their cereal, or in their coffee? I know I would! No meddling regulations and restrictions, let milk and money flow free!”
  4. “Hang on a minute there,” yells Leia Sims, CEO of the infant formula company Got Milk Inc. “I just heard from a peg-legged homeless person that breast milk is a gateway drug to cannibalism, so maybe we’re better off without it? With some government funding, my company can provide enough tasty and nutritious formula for all of Random Chaos’s infants!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the "right of sanctuary" stops police pursuit into temples and churches.

2021-05-23 16:00

Don’t Drink the Grape Punch

The Citizens’ Chapel Cultivation Concept, a radical religious movement frequently accused of being a cult, shocked the country today after they committed mass suicide in the rural village of Masontown. Two hundred and seventeen Random Chaosians are dead, including the cult’s charismatic leader. The horrified public, including many relatives of the deceased, are urging you to prevent future atrocities.

  1. “How could the government let this happen?” cries Clement Smit, sobbing into an oversized handkerchief. “If the government had monitored this ‘Citizens’ Chapel Cultivation Concept’, they’d have seen the lethal drug stockpile and my son would still be alive! The government must focus on defending its citizenry from wacko cults such as the Citizens’ Chapel, even if it means state surveillance of every religious group in Random Chaos!”
  2. “Heresy! Or, you know, just plain unfair,” gripes Indira Bond, the leader of the Tranquility of Yellow, donning a mellow yellow top hat. “We cannot have unbelievers profaning our sacred spaces with their very presence. It’s not nice. Sure, some wacky groups cite religion to commit atrocities, but those are the minority of religious sects! I demand - for all religious groups - absolute privacy from government encroachment!”
  3. “You could have prevented this,” announces journalist Miles Hammarskjöld, scattering article drafts onto your desk. “I’d investigated the Citizens’ Chapel for months. I had records of huge drug shipments, and sworn affidavits from former members testifying to Mason’s midnight muttering and purveying paranoia. I wrote to ask every department to stop the nutcase. But he kissed some junior ministers’... whatever, and nothing happened. To top it all, my stories were pulled - I was accused of persecuting him! If the government was expected to seriously investigate all concerns, those poor people might still be alive.”
  4. “We all know the real problem, and it won’t be solved by turning this nation into some kind of police state,” muses Jadzia Norris, the ethereal sister to one of the deceased, who is sporting a T-shirt that reads Hugs Not Drugs. “The real problem isn’t that some people have a different belief. Hey, live and let live, right? But when this Mason guy started preaching ‘heroic self-immolation’, you let him get hold of all kinds of bad stuff. Sleeping pills, pain pills, potassium cyanide... You know. Not cool. If you, like, stopped selling substances that can kill people, we can all just go and live in peace.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there are six more weeks of winter if a northerner sees his shadow.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there are six more weeks of winter if a northerner sees her shadow.

2021-05-23 11:00

The Path Less Traveled

While Random Chaos’s northern ports bustle with trade during the summer time, this flurry of activity freezes to a standstill at the onset of winter when thick sheets of ice form over the frigid waters. This seasonal impasse both severely limits economic productivity and makes resupply of the region difficult.

  1. “Leader, we have a brilliant opportunity!” excitedly cheers Rory Garrison, the mayor of one of the cities. “Imagine, our city, a front to the world in both summer and winter. All we need to do is develop and deploy a whole fleet of state-of-the-art icebreakers the likes of which the world has never seen before! I can just picture it now: hundreds of ships, thousands of tourists, and millions of chips worth of goods coming from across the globe to my port... err, Random Chaos.”
  2. “Why spend money on expensive icebreakers when good old-fashioned railroads can do the work year round?” questions infamous rail tycoon Cecil Vanderbilt, as his assistant places a model train on your desk. “Invest in my company and ease some health and safety standards, and my men can build and maintain the tracks for a pittance. Full steam ahead! Choo choo!”
  3. “Why don’t we just stockpile before winter?” asks Alejandro Mealor, an advocate of human hibernation. “We bring in everything we need in autumn and don’t worry about nothin’ in winter. You can help defray the cost of our survival by funding winter fuel allowances and cold weather food supplies for the poorest in the area.”
  4. “I have ze perfect solution,” announces crazed crackpot climatologist Efthamia Stephenson. “Mein data shows zat ze ice is ziner each passing year due in part to global varming. Now, vhy don’t ve just hurry it up by pumping ze atmosphere full of more chlorofluorocarbon? All zis ice will go bye-bye in under a decade! How cool vould zat be? Vell, not cool, you know... zere’d be no ice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lending firms are subject to strict government regulations.

2021-05-23 04:30

Underclass Drowning in Debt

In response to an increasing number of people falling into debt and declaring bankruptcy, activists are arguing that the government should take a stronger role in protecting its citizens from loosely regulated lending firms and in helping its citizens pay off or cancel their debts.

  1. Barry Grant, head of consumer watchdog ‘Debt-Busters’ urges the government to enact new laws: “We’ve got middle and lower class families falling victim to predatory financial institutions and plunging into debts they can never hope to repay. The government must pass legislation restricting things like interest rates to stem the tide of people losing their property to these sharks, and take an active role reviewing all loan repayment terms.”
  2. “That’s just not going far enough!” cries welfare advocate Finlay Mulcair. “The government must eliminate the shackles of debt from our good nation once and for all! What we need are vast reforms of the welfare system then we can provide these poor, downtrodden souls with money and housing, so they don’t need to take out such huge loans in the first place!”
  3. “They’re irresponsible with their money and yet they’re the victims? Call me crazy but borrowing money and not paying it back isn’t debt, it’s theft!” scoffs Lachlan Tan, representative of one of the largest lending firms in Random Chaos. “What we really need is the power to send these parasites to debtor prisons, where they can work off the money they owe through hard manual labour.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, babysitters are a thing of the past.

2021-05-22 22:00

Just Snoring With Excitement

After having to poke your nephew with a stick to wake him up, you are beset by a chorus of health experts and disgruntled teenagers complaining about the wave of adolescent insomnia gripping the nation.

  1. Drowsy high-schooler Judi Krauss jolts awake after finding a microphone in her face. “Dude, this is, like,” she pauses to yawn. “Terrible. The school day is starting earlier and earlier, and that’s making us lose our precious sleep, man! If you, like, forced schools to start later we could all get our sleep and, like, be more attentive in class.”
  2. “Kids these days will complain about anything!” hollers Noah Rolfe, your reluctant Minister for Education. “Let’s require that all Random Chaosian schoolchildren attend state-run boarding schools. They’ll sleep when we tell them to sleep, and not a moment later! Parents might not like it, but think of all the chips they’ll save on snacks.”
  3. “Hi hi!” Your precocious young niece runs around your office. “How about big boys and girls and grownups have nap time? Nap time was so fun, I miss it! Everyone should have nap time!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government-run screening operations remove embryos with severe genetic disorders.

2021-05-22 16:00

Buy a Better Baby?

A top fertility clinic has recently announced a new service allowing parents to create so-called ‘designer babies’.

  1. “Embryo selection isn’t really genetic engineering in the technical sense,” explains Dr. Athena Longfellow, owner of the Babies-2-Go Clinic. “It’s more like being able to have a dozen abortions per month until you get the foetus you desire. I can’t really see what’s wrong with parents who can afford it being able to eliminate foetuses with undesirable genetic traits - like stupidity.”
  2. “Thou shalt pay for thy sins!” screams Fergus Shaw, waving a crucifix. “This is just meddling with the sanctity of life. If these children are to be born with horrible defects then it’s God’s will and who are we to question it? This technology must be banned at once!”
  3. “This technology shows promise,” muses Kristen Beckham, Minister of Health. “But we can’t trust the private sector with the future of our nation’s children. We must place it under strict government regulation, so that we only screen out embryos with serious genetic conditions.”
  4. “This has got me thinkin’,” says General Quincy Green, thumbing through a big folder marked ‘X’. “If this technology lets us reduce genetic defects, then couldn’t it work the other way? We could create ourselves an army of genetically superior soldiers! With our army of Super Soldiers, no nation would dare stand in our way!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is seen to favor traditionalist religions.

2021-05-22 10:30

Appointment of Spiritual Advisor

It’s time for the government to hire a new religious advisor. Your people have narrowed down the candidates to:

  1. Staunch traditionalist religious leader Lars Harrison: boasts an excellent track record, having rapidly increased religious service attendances in his constituencies through the “Reaching God Through Guilt” program. Seen as a solid choice.
  2. New Age thinker Gertie Octavian: a left-field candidate with some radical ideas. “For me, it’s not about the name of your religion. It’s about discovering your spirituality in whatever guise that takes. Some people call that a cult: I call it taking spirituality to the people.”
  3. Finally, there’s Leonardo vandeBerg. “If I am awarded the appointment, I will immediately resign,” the ex-schoolteacher has declared. “Because, frankly, God is a big load of hokey. I’ll be doing everyone a favor by just shutting up about it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, angst-filled teenagers are rushing off to buy government bonds for some odd reason.

2021-05-22 04:00

Turn Down That Racket, Say Morality Police

A group of concerned parishioners and soccer moms has petitioned the government of Random Chaos to outlaw heavy metal music, which they fear is a bad influence on youngsters.

  1. “Heavy metal music is a plague in our good nation and its God-fearing people!” argues local priest and easy listening advocate Elizabeth Nimoy. “Just the other day, I heard a song by some group called Hell’s Irate Puppies with a sinful quantity of bass and drum... oh, and there were probably some lines about killing parents, too, I’d imagine! It’s vital that we ban this music, and remove this terrible influence from our children’s lives! Think of the children!”
  2. “Whoa, man... what’s with the, like, censorship and stuff?” asks Joseph Trevelyan, scruffy-haired bassist of the popular speed metal band The Destroyinators. “You can’t, like, censor the music, man. That’s how we express ourselves! Every bass beat is me baring my soul! Every howl is me complainin’ about how my parents tried to kick me out of their basement! Besides, what’s wrong with Satan? He’s just misunderstood anyway. I say promote the arts, man!”
  3. “You know, this heavy metal issue has me thinking,” says Gregory, your brother, over your weekly game of cribbage. “If these long-haired freaks want to put out their devil-worshipping metal, why don’t we let them? Of course, we’ll put a little subliminal propaganda into every song... after all, don’t these guys owe their freedom of expression to you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chest pains are considered part of the dining experience in Random Chaosian restaurants.

2021-05-21 22:00

Shock Tactics

The Random Chaosian Resuscitation Council has noted that every year a vast number of preventable deaths occur because of lack of access to public AEDs (automated external defibrillators) and a dearth of competent first aiders able to use them.

  1. “Put an AED in every bus stop, every train station, every supermarket and next to every ATM. Make first aid training mandatory in the later school years, then make people refresh their skills every ten years,” directs Dr. Moana Haskell of the Resuscitation Council, sipping his double-cream double-shot cappuccino. “Nations with poor access to AEDs have cardiac arrest survival rates of one in twenty. In nations with good access and training, three out of four patients will live. That’s got to be worth a little investment, right?”
  2. “That sounds overly complex and expensive, a bit like the good doctor’s premium beverage,” argues dietitian Victoria Ono. “Personally, I like my health policies like I like my coffee: cheap and fast. Or was that how I like my men? I forget... Anyway, public health promotion is a smarter option. Prevention is better than cure. Restrict salty and fatty foods, and encourage healthy eating. That’ll hit the spot really efficiently. Like a good coffee. Or a good man.”
  3. “Health spending is a black hole,” moans tired-looking health economist Boromir Vangelis, sipping at a plastic cup of nasty-smelling instant coffee. “If you help people live longer you just get older people with even more expensive and complicated medical problems. A good heart attack stops the oldies from being a burden on the economy. We ought to slash healthcare funding, and instead subsidise industries high in profit and saturated fat, then head out for an ice cream smoothie. Life’s too short! Or rather it isn’t, and that’s the problem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the populace has developed a mortal fear of the woods.

2021-05-21 16:00

Where in the Woods Is Cindy SanFrancisco?

After their daughter wandered off into the woods behind her house, a pair of teary-eyed parents interrupts one of your meetings, beseeching you to step up the rescue effort.

  1. “She’s only t-t-three years old!” sobs the lost girl’s mother. “She’ll never make it out there in the wilderness all alone. She’s going to d- d- d-” Her husband steps in as she breaks down in tears: “Please, you have to do something! There aren’t enough rescue workers out there. You need to hire more or divert them from other areas or something! What’s more important than a child’s safety?”
  2. “Hmph!” scoffs Daisy Guterres, your miffed financial advisor. “The nerve of some people! Do you really want to squander all that money on one kid? If you’re stupid enough to walk off into the forest all by yourself, maybe you shouldn’t make it to adulthood to have your own stupid kids. Survival of the fittest never hurt anyone — anyone worthwhile that is. We need to get rid of this unnecessary safety net. No more rescue teams. Then maybe parents will actually watch their moron kids.”
  3. “Yer all missin’ the heart o’ the matter,” barks Ivan Negan, a burly, crosscut-saw wielding lumberjack. “The problem isn’t these lil’ rascals gettin’ lost; it’s what they’re gettin’ lost in. If we chop down those damned woods, well then there won’t be anythin’ to get lost in, now will there? You give me and my team the OK, and we’ll make those wooded deathtraps a thing o’ the past!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, business is adjusting to new gender equality policies in the workplace.

2021-05-21 10:00

Women Demand Equal Opportunities

The women of Random Chaos are demanding an end to wage discrimination in the workplace.

  1. “The government must put a stop to businesses discriminating against women when they apply for a job!” chants Renee Li, a ferocious supporter of women’s rights. “Did you know that, on average, men in Random Chaos earn substantially more than women for doing the same job? For too long has the female race been discriminated against in our society due to their sex! We demand equal wages, equal opportunities, and equal respect for women, and we demand them now!”
  2. “Hey, my business is treading a thin enough profit margin as it is,” complains Han Schwarzenegger, CEO of Heavy Lifting Incorporated. “Women just aren’t as good as men at certain jobs, it’s a probably proven fact! Take firefighting - if you were dying from smoke inhalation and collapsed on the floor unable to move, who would you prefer to attempt to rescue you? A man with superior muscular strength or some weakling female? Go on, you decide. Let the businesses decide what they pay and who they pay it to - after all, the economy depends on us.”
  3. “Hah! Our society is getting far too soft!” rages Zeus Baldwin, a staunch male chauvinist. “Whatever happened to the days when a man could go back home to find his good lady wife with his tea ready and his slippers warm? I’ve heard that some men even have to cook and clean for themselves! We should be actively encouraging women to stay where they belong by making it expected that women get paid half what men do for the same job. After all, their poor brains are prone to overheating, so they’re naturally less efficient in the workplace.”
  4. “Personally, I think things went wrong as soon as women got labelled as the ‘fairer’ sex,” interrupts Catherine Gratwick, author of the best-selling novel ‘Gynaecocracy For Beginners’. “We’re strong, we’re willing - and we’re just plain better than men. See what a state the world is in when they’re in charge? I propose that all jobs should preferentially be offered to women first, so that men are encouraged to stay at home and be househusbands.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lifelong celibates are surprised to receive government-issue condoms in the post.

2021-05-21 04:00

Womb Service

A recent article published in The Random Chaos City Times featured a Random Chaosian woman who’s had her second abortion in two years, with both procedures having been covered in full by the nation’s public healthcare system. The national debate that’s followed has become impossible to ignore.

  1. “I’ll be dammed if this doesn’t keep coming up every couple years,” sighs a representative from the Womb Tang Clan, a leading abortion advocacy group. “Sneaking around in bathroom stalls is for politicians, not for women seeking legitimate healthcare! We need to keep abortion safe and legally accessible to all women, especially the vulnerable women who are most likely to need more than one abortion and would be most impacted by any attempt to limit or defund abortions. Leader, we must mandate full healthcare provision of these vital, life-saving services and fund the distribution of free contraception to all women in Random Chaos.”
  2. “Well, I never!” gasps renowned socialite Ms. Effie Beauregard-Sessile, dropping what appears to be a pair of opera glasses. “Murdering babies is healthcare now? Whatever is this world coming to? If we’re going to make Random Chaos great again, we can’t be seen funneling tax money towards fetal genocide! We need to respect innocent, unborn Random Chaosian children by making abortion illegal under any circumstance and prosecuting these witches as the murderers they are.” She pulls out a folding fan and begins fanning herself with dainty flicks of her wrist.
  3. “I have no objection to little ladies getting an abortion,” chortles Socrates Coleman, striding into the center of the room while tipping his Stetson to the previous two speakers. “But listen, Leader, my... erm, our tax chips shouldn’t be spent covering all these preventable health problems. If a negligent individual has any adverse health outcome — an unintended pregnancy, diabetes, heart disease, cancer — well, that’s their choice and their right! But it should also be their responsibility. The national health service should only pay if people did nothing that could have possibly brought on their illness.”
  4. “Let’s all agree that one accident can happen, right? But not learning something from that, having a second unintended pregnancy...” A cloaked figure from the back of the room steps into the light, a sneer spreading across his lips. “Well, that kind of woman cannot be trusted with the responsibility of self-management society granted her. If any woman should ever want a second abortion, the government should only fund it if she agrees to a simultaneous sterilization procedure.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, recent events in Dàguó have been classified 'for Leader's eyes only'.

2021-05-20 22:00

Only Leader Could Go to Dàguó

The Holy Emperor of the militaristic and isolationist nation Dàguó has invited you to his palace for a state dinner in an attempt to warm decades of frosty relations.

  1. “IT’S A TRAP!” shouts Admiral Lauren de Calamari, a military attaché who seems borderline paranoid. “Isn’t it obvious? They’re only inviting you over there so they can KILL you! They’ll either poison you or stab you in your sleep. Trust me, you can’t trust these Dàguó animals. They will kill you the moment you let your guard down.”
  2. “I agree that we shouldn’t go over there,” replies Rex Galavan, your personal chef, who is always dying to experiment with new cuisine. “However, that doesn’t mean we should ourselves embark on a policy of isolationism. Why not invite this Emperor of theirs over here and treat him to a state dinner? There’s much to discuss like their Tasmanian trade sanctions or the steady stream of refugees from the Maxtopian Civil War.”
  3. “Dàguó’s leaders have historically denounced our great nation for covert operations that, err, officially, we still deny,” mentions Professor Aang McKay between introductory college lectures. “Meeting with Dàguó’s Holy Emperor would be a perfect way to begin to mend relations. Accept the invitation, respect their customs regardless of how strange they might seem, and act like a real national leader for once! Go out there and start advocating for world peace, and history will thank you.”
  4. After repeatedly hitting on your secretary, a somewhat suave secret agent introduces himself as, “Bont ... James Bont. Go over to Dàguó on the pretext of a diplomatic mission. Meanwhile, I will pose as a Marche Noirian master chef so I can poison the Emperor’s meal. Once he drops dead, his security is going to suspect foul play, but I’ll be there to extract you back to Random Chaos via rocketcar. There’s a chance my scheme will end up causing a war, but if worst comes to worst, I’ve still got my jetpack and exploding attaché case.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, surveillance cameras are banned.

2021-05-20 16:00

Police Consider “Big Brother” Anti-Crime System

The Police department is considering installing surveillance cameras in all major public areas, in an effort to crack down on crime.

  1. “This is a blatant invasion of the right to privacy!” says libertarian web site operator Tina Trevelyan. “Now I can’t even go out in public any more without being watched? And you know this is just the beginning. Today there are cameras in city streets. Tomorrow they’re peering through your bedroom window.”
  2. “Hey, I’ve got news for you,” says Police media liaison Carmen Clark. “When you’re out in public, PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU. These cameras will be extremely helpful in reducing the national crime rate. Frankly, I can’t see what the fuss is about.”
  3. “This ‘slippery slope’ argument has got me thinking,” says Police Minister Hamlet Jele. “You know, it would be a lot easier to fight crime if we watched people all the time. Not with cameras, of course. That’s clearly an invasion of privacy. But how about a national database of our citizens, coupled with compulsory ID cards and barcoding? It would stop crime dead in its tracks.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has undertaken a massive health education program to combat VODAIS.

2021-05-20 10:00

Random Chaos Plagued by STD Epidemic!

A medical report has detailed a twenty-fold increase in infection rates over the past ten years of the sexually transmitted disease VODAIS (Viral Overactive Dysfunction of the Auto-Immune System). People all over the nation are petitioning that the government do something about the epidemic.

  1. “This situation is about to explode. At this rate, this epidemic could severely impact our economy, our way of life, and even our government,” says Doctor Ellie Young. “We must supply powerful drugs to all infected people, even if we have to produce and distribute it ourselves. We must also educate people on the dangers of VODAIS and supply condoms to all sexually active males. Sure, we’ll need to divert tax money from the military to fund all this, but what good is a military if the soldiers are too sick to fight?”
  2. “If you supply condoms, you’ll increase sexual promiscuity,” scoffs religious leader Jude Farnsworth. “If you supply drugs, you’ll risk creating an aura of invincibility which in turn increases sexual promiscuity. Sexual abstinence is 100% effective in preventing VODAIS infection. This knowledge must be taught at all schools and workplaces, and all other choices must be ridiculed. Make celibacy the only option!”
  3. “Supplying drugs and condoms will not stop VODAIS infections and pushing everyone to be celibate will be the slow death of Random Chaos,” whispers Health Minister Nyota Mansbridge in a poorly-lit back room. “Segregating the infected people is the most effective method. Everybody in Random Chaos must be tested for VODAIS. Then all the VODAIS positive people will be shipped to separate gated communities away from the rest of us. If they need to mingle with uninfected people, then they must wear distinguishing badges that feature a Grim Reaper holding a skeletal gambler.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, public shaming is the bedrock of Random Chaosian society.

2021-05-20 04:00

Masks of Shame

A young woman recently died of suffocation after a local magistrate sentenced her to wear a traditional ‘Mask of Shame’, an archaic custom exclusive to rural areas of Southern Random Chaos. Several civil rights groups have called on the government to intervene and outlaw this cultural practice aimed at humiliating those who transgress social norms.

  1. “She was only sixteen,” growls self-proclaimed humanitarian Fergus Rubio in a strong accent distinct to the East End of Random Chaos City. “These backwoods nut-cases have been humiliating people, especially young women, for centuries. Merely being accused of scolding or wearing the wrong shirt can buy you a week in the mask. They even come with a studded gag to keep you from speaking. Not many people know that. This horrendous practice must be outlawed, and we should start a thorough re-education program to stomp out all their medieval ways.”
  2. “This was just a tragic mishap; the masks are harmless,” scoffs local mask shop owner Elijah Allen, while trying on a pig-devil mask, distorting his voice into a high-pitched whistle. “In fact, why don’t you deepen our traditions? Unchecked degenerates tear asunder the social fabric and must be punished. While we have prison for the hardened criminals, I propose that we impose the ‘Mask of Shame’ as a valid form of punishment nationwide for gossipers, slatterns and other derelicts.”
  3. Noted historian and decentralization advocate Quentin Frederickson has another idea. “These masks might be unorthodox, but the real problem here is our official penal system. Incarcerating people in tiny spaces, regulating every minute of their day and every inch of their life, completely isolating them from society; talk about cruel and unusual punishment! These masks, and other forms of ‘public shaming’, on the other hand, are a time-tested practice for bringing about social cohesion within communities. I say it’s time government bureaucrats and populist politicians stop forcing their Random Chaos City morality from above. Abolish the entire penal system and make ‘community shaming’ the official tool for enforcing justice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young adults still believe that gamblers deliver newborns to expecting parents.

2021-05-19 22:00

Sex Education Too Sexy, Say Parents

Mandatory sex education has become the target of criticism after a new information video starring animated genitalia was shown to first-graders last week. Parenting groups from all over Random Chaos are in an uproar, claiming the video is excessively graphic and nothing but smut with a cute soundtrack.

  1. “You know, I’m as ‘with it’ as the rest of them,” says unbearably un-cool mother of three Fumiko Bouvier, while adjusting her velvet scrunchie. “But excuse me if I feel a bit ‘iffy’ about my kids being shown hardcore stuff at school. I said it when you insisted on the mandatory sex education, and I’ll say it again, genitals and naked bodies should have no place in our schools. Take it off the curriculum, for everybody!”
  2. “I’d hardly call Mr. P and Lady V ‘hardcore’,” counters Thupten Harel, a professional pragmatic who seemingly just materialized from the grey shades of bureaucracy. “The latest evaluation actually shows that the sex education program is doing wonders. However, people really are up at arms about this, aren’t they? Let’s suggest a compromise: mandatory sex education is here to stay, but we’ll tone down the imagery and phraseology. I’m sure we’ll be able to get the point across to the kids, if you know what I mean!”
  3. “The real problem is that the videos aren’t detailed and instructive enough!” exclaims Leandro O'Bannon, a prominent adult entertainer who also happens to be the Professor of Pedagogy at the University of Random Chaos City. “Let me and my colleagues take over production, and I’ll guarantee that the kids will really learn the ins and outs of it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, maximum security fish farms leave caged salmon pining for the fjords.

2021-05-19 16:00

Bait and Switch

Children wept today, as only a handful of fish showed up for the ‘Dance of Salmon,’ an eagerly awaited tradition celebrating wild salmon migration from the ocean to the riverbeds of Random Chaos. Experts and deep-sea anglers have pointed fingers at the abundance of open-net fish farms dotting the coast, which allow sea lice-infected farmed salmon to contaminate migrating wild salmon, threatening the very survival of the species.

  1. “Salmon are a crucial link in the food chains of both the ocean AND river systems!” asserts Patrick Pushkin, a surprisingly knowledgeable 10-year old, clutching a tear-drenched plush salmon. “The wild stocks of both Maxtopia and Blackacre are already irreparably depleted by sea lice and overfishing, and if we do nothing, Random Chaos is next. You need to severely tighten regulations for the farm barons: make them clean up their act before it’s too late!”
  2. “What’s the worst-case scenario? They’re extinct in twenty years or so? I’m eighty-six; I’ll be extinct in ten,” reasons ridiculously wealthy fish farm owner, Bjørnar Laksekonge. “This is really making a mountain out of a molehill. Look, if you just equate wild salmon with caged salmon in your government counts, I think you’ll see the problem disappearing overnight. I’m sure my boys can train a couple of our fish to swim upriver once or twice a year, nobody will care: a salmon is a salmon, right?”
  3. “People, people! Let’s forget about the salmon for a while and talk about the lice!” pleads Vera Winters, disgraced marine biologist and amateur chemist. “The louse - scourge of the salmon, free or farmed; wouldn’t it be nice if you could just make them go away? Well, you can! I’ve been working on a new type of pesticide targeting just this kind of situation. It’s still experimental, that’s for sure, but if you let fish farmers douse their tanks with my stuff I’ll guarantee that your lice problem will be a thing of the past, all while keeping your fish nice and sound. Actually, I’m not 100% sure about the fish, but the lice will definitely die!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, imprisonment is the leading cause of disownment.

2021-05-19 10:00

All in the Family

An unexpected letter sent by your estranged uncle was found on your desk this morning. In it, he details what he has been up to for the past several years. It abruptly concludes with him being arrested and imprisoned in Brancaland for a slew of criminal charges. These included selling diluted maple syrup, illegally hunting prized Brancalandian Geese for sport, and operating a business without a license.

  1. “I’m in a sticky situation,” writes your uncle. “I’ve been assigned to share a cell with a moonshiner named Cletus. His buck teeth are not pleasant to look at nor are his armpits pleasant to smell. I would be most obliged if you could use some of your diplomatic wrangling, such as threatening Brancaland with tariffs, to arrange for my release. Perhaps you could wire some money to my account to help me get back on my feet. After all, we’re family, and as the Brancalandian saying goes, ‘blood is thicker than maple syrup’.”
  2. The Brancalandian ambassador huffs into your office. “You must understand what a heinous crime your uncle committed. Our maple products are our national heritage and your uncle has completely disrespected that. He may be your family, but you must allow our criminal justice system to punish him as it sees fit. If you’d like, we can even give you a tour of the prison facilities to show that he isn’t being mistreated.”
  3. “This kind of sounds like one of those Tasmanian Prince scams to me,” muses your secretary. “Actually, that gives me an idea. Deny that he’s your uncle and write him off as a con artist trying to get out of prison. If we are to believe that ambassador, he won’t be in much actual danger there. Sure, he won’t be happy staying locked up, and neither will other family members now that I think about it. Then again, he broke Brancalandian law and I don’t want to risk losing my supply of Brancalandian goose down coats over this!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Eco-Friendly Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, genetic research is temporarily tied up in government red tape.

2021-05-19 04:00

Genetics Brings New Life to Extinct Species

Scientists have announced they are close to a breakthrough in their quest to revive the feather-bellied gambler, a species related to Random Chaos’s national animal that has been extinct for more than a century.

  1. “I, for one, applaud their work,” says scientist Yasuyuki Gilbreth. “And not just because I’m the project leader. This is an example of how Random Chaos’s brains can mix it with the world’s best. Can you imagine how wonderful it will be to have feather-bellied gamblers frolicking in the meadows again? I say full steam ahead, and more government funding!”
  2. “This is a sacrilege!” says religious leader Cyrus Meyer. “These animals are extinct because God wants them dead. Cloning them would merely incur his wrath! If we proceed down this path, it’ll be humans, not the feather-bellied gambler, who will be extinct.”
  3. “Now, come on,” says Ivanka Stromburg, well-known philosopher. “You don’t need to be religious to be unnerved by the top of this particular slippery slope. Today it’s gamblers, tomorrow it’s dinosaurs, and we all know how that turns out. This research shouldn’t be banned, but there must be strict government controls over its use.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every microwave and toaster is being disassembled and probed by inspectors.

2021-05-18 22:00

I, Robot, Do Solemnly Swear

Last week, a humanoid robot announced its intentions to serve as the nation’s first android federal judge. Concerned citizens have come to you as to the implications and legality of this potential appointment.

  1. “Surely we cannot allow this, right?” asks Chief Justice Graham Trudeau while curling the end of his beard around his finger. “Letting them vote would be one thing, but robot judges? What if it malfunctions or someone tampers with it? We need to put an end to this right now. If we manufactured it, it shouldn’t be allowed to serve in the judiciary.”
  2. “He’s a— it’s a WHAT?” yells Virgil Clarke, your Minister of Zero Tolerance. “This robot had to be made by someone right? You don’t see how that could go horribly, horribly wrong? It’s clearly a power grab by someone with deep connections at the Friendly Robot Company. We need to conduct a full on investigation of the entire industry and this robot; who made him, who paid for him, what he is capable of — the works!”
  3. “If I may disagree,” politely asks iCroft Holmes, the robot nominee. “A robotic judge has numerous benefits that the esteemed gentlemen are deliberately omitting. We can view decisions in a rational and analytical manner, unburdened by emotions. We would make decisions for the betterment of the people. The judiciary would become streamlined and efficient. Surely, these are virtues the government wants?”
  4. “I warned you!” scolds noted technophobe Cassius Jobrani after smashing your telephone. “But no one would listen. You became dependent on these soulless machines, integrated them into every facet of your lives, and look, now they dare to judge us! We’ve got to rid Random Chaos of these toasters once and for all! Ban artificial intelligence and bring some sanity back to our country!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, autumn landscape paintings feature men stripping leaves from bare branches with a vacuum.

2021-05-18 16:00

Burning Over a New Leaf

Many Random Chaosians have long equated the autumn with colder temperatures, apple bobbing, pumpkin spice, and the aromatic tradition of burning fallen leaves to avoid doing yard work. Although the smoky scents of burning foliage are soothing to some, an uptick in the number of domestic fires caused by immolating leaf piles has lead to a growing call to ban the hallowed practice.

  1. “This year alone, Random Chaos has spent an exorbitant amount of chips on fire damage caused by burning leaves,” states Minister of Disasters, Bonnie Fyre. “We need to make it illegal for unlicensed persons to burn plant matter outside, to curtail these outrageous costs! I hate yard work as much as anyone, but I think we can all agree that having homes to live in is more important than a little added inconvenience.”
  2. “Not burning leaves during the fall is about the most un-Random Chaosian thing I can think of!” exclaims acclaimed singer-songwriter George Morris Jr. “When people think of autumn in Random Chaos, they think of romance under the moonlit skies, as all the leaves on the trees are falling with the smoky scent carried on the breezes that blow! Leader, I’m begging you — calling on your heartstrings that play soft and low — please don’t ban this fine Random Chaosian tradition.”
  3. A bell rings and a man peddles through your door on a three-wheeled trike. “Greetings Leader, my name is Si Call and I’m a biofuel man. I hear you’re in a tight spot with this leaf business. Now, I’m in the business of sustainability, a business that relies on biomass such as your leaves. You see, only the freshest of leaves will do — the old leaves have too much lignin which makes it hard to extract the sugars. The only thing preventing us from plucking the freshest leaves in Random Chaos is that we don’t own the land the leaves fall on. If you were to allow us to bypass those silly restrictions, why, we could just suck those leaves up the second they hit the ground! What do you say?”
  4. “Leader, you can’t possibly be thinking of getting rid of these leaves. Are you?” questions your Minister of New-Growth Forests, Connie Fuhr. “We cannot underestimate the ecological importance dead leaves play in replenishing the nutrients in our soil! Ban burning leaves, but fine anyone who even thinks about doing yard work to get rid of those leaves!”
  5. “Jeez, this all sounds like so much work,” groans the boyfriend of your fourth cousin, thrice-removed, Vinnie ‘Fun’ Guy, who gives his occupation as ‘waste management’. “These leaves causing problems? Why not just take out the source? Cut down a few trees, bada-bing bada-boom, no more leaves sticking their veins where they ain’t wanted, causing honest folks to start fires. I know a guy who owes me. We’ll take care of this problem for ya. Want us to make it look like an accident?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, for the sake of 'public interest' news programs tell viewers how to home-make Sarin gas bombs.

2021-05-18 10:00

Infamy! Infamy! They’ve All Got It in for Me!

Two days ago a series of pipe bombs in Gambler City killed two people and injured twelve more. By yesterday morning, the news was full of pictures of the perpetrator, with reporters explaining his twisted manifesto and giving the terrorist’s ideology far more exposure and media presence than he could ever have achieved without violence. Like many others, you find yourself watching an evening TV program dissecting the events of the last few days.

  1. “Boy, am I glad they caught that monster?” asks chat show host Yokpu Horner hopefully rhetorically, just after airing a thirty minute segment profiling the killer. “Now... some on this panel were saying earlier that having his face and picture all over the airwaves was counter-productive. I disagree! We’re showing the public that crime doesn’t pay. It’s in the public interest, because... uh... because the public is interested! It’s also about history, and recording events for posterity. That means it’s actually the duty of the media to put up the names, faces, methods and manifesto of these ratings-boosting psychopaths.”
  2. “With that haircut, I’m surprised YOU aren’t the one we’re condemning,” jokes fellow panellist Dafydd Perez, to thunderous audience applause. “In all seriousness though, it’s not right that we’re playing right into this terrorist’s hands, spreading his message of hate and making him a celebrity. People died, man! We should have an enforced code of conduct, asking the media to be responsible in reporting. After all, publicising an agenda of hate is the same as promoting it. Consign these killers and their whack-job thoughts to the oblivion of history where they belong.”
  3. “Why don’t you all shut up and go home?” yells a heckler from the audience. The camera pans round to show an angry red-faced fellow with a cooking apron on. “I had tickets for Celebrity Random Chaosian Bake-Off Factor Live, and then they tell me that it’s been cancelled to make room for this stupid show. Hey, Leader, if you’re watching, ban this sort of news and documentaries, and keep TV for what it was made for... entertainment!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Retail Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, coffee cups have grown in size to accommodate the huge ingredients list.

2021-05-18 04:00

A Recipe for Success?

Popular coffee chain Moonbucks recently found itself in hot water after its Moonbucks Magic Mocha Machiatto Mixer was found to include ingredients that might lead to an increased risk in cancer, or at least a really upset stomach. Moonbucks had been using these substances despite knowing about their bad press, but as the ingredients list wasn’t visible or published anywhere they had escaped comment until now.

  1. “I can’t believe that these companies aren’t forced to disclose everything in their products!” yells frequent coffee-slurper Roberto O'Brien, a little hyped up from his fifteenth espresso of the morning. “The government needs to force every company to disclose a full list of ingredients regardless of the product, as well as health warnings! We need to know when our drinks contain harmful chemicals!” He points at you accusingly with a trembling index finger, twitching visibly from caffeine overload.
  2. “There’s no harm from the additives in our products!” says Achenar ‘Cappuccino’ Colbert, CEO of Moonbucks, sipping from a glass of plain tap water. “No one has come to any harm... yet. People need to quit worrying about what’s in the things they eat or drink and just learn to relax. The government should buy everyone a Moonbucks frappucino to help them with that.”
  3. “Coffeeheads, I ask you...” sighs tea-lover Earl Gray, sipping delicately from a china cup. “Why does anyone drink coffee, anyway? You should tax the foul stuff, and redirect those funds into subsidising more civilised drinks. Then perhaps while we take tea, we can enjoy the more cultured things in life - like a classic book or a proper biscuit.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, autopsies often involve only cursory examination.

2021-05-17 22:00

Till Death Do Us Part

Inder Sullivan tragically died yesterday from heart complications during sex with his wife. Mrs. Sullivan has requested her local hospital to harvest the sperm from her late husband’s corpse, thrusting the predicament into the national spotlight.

  1. “All I want is to have a child, his child!” somewhat convincingly cries Ami Sullivan, the sobbing wife at the center of the controversy. “And my husband and I were so close, but he decided to croak in the heat of things. I’ve been planning for a baby ever since our wedding, and I’m sure this is what he would’ve wanted. Quick, alert the hospital and tell them it’s a go!”
  2. “Absolutely, one hundred percent, no!” exclaims your Minister of Tradition, who looks surprisingly young for the role. “Where have our nation’s morals gone if we allow this blatant disrespect of the dead? Any procedure after death is not acceptable without prior consent. You must mandate that hospitals deny this request and every other request like it, for the sake of protecting bodily integrity.”
  3. “If only the deceased had been made to donate prior to his death, then we wouldn’t have to deal with this problem now,” rebukes your radical Minister of Forward Thinking while looking at a diagram of the male body. “Young males across the nation should be required to contribute their spermatozoa to our department. With all the reproductive material, we could start a National Sperm Bank, ready to provide sperm to anyone who needs it. Fun!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, factories are regularly demolished to make way for low-cost housing areas.

2021-05-17 16:00

Ornery Overcrowding Problem

A survey recently released by the Random Chaos Housing Authority indicates that the country’s burgeoning population is rapidly leading to a housing crisis as families find themselves crammed into increasingly cramped living spaces.

  1. “What we need are more high rises, whether low-cost or fancy condos,” says demographic expert Sophie Suzuki. “They’re efficient, waste little land, and wouldn’t you love to wake up to the bright cheery sky in front of you every morning? Of course, there’s the problem of higher contagious disease transmission, but I’m sure our health system is robust enough for that. Not to mention all the jobs these new buildings will bring.”
  2. “All these industrial factories take up so much space,” argues social welfare commentator Bajrakitiyabha Carey. “The fact is, not only do they pollute, but they hog land that is better used for low-cost housing. Studies show that apartments are just too cramped for people to be comfortable in. We would be a lot better off in simple single-floor houses. Especially if they’re subsidised by the government.”
  3. “This raises an interesting issue,” says François Hopkins, staunch supporter of birth control. “And that is: why do we need to build more housing anyway? Why don’t we just limit the number of children each family can have? Besides, pregnancy causes all sorts of complications. We’re better off with less of it anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, expats return home to a government devoid of social and environmental agencies.

2021-05-17 10:00

Wealthy Flee to Tax-Free Havens

Random Chaos’s governmental revenue has been dropping sharply as the super-rich emigrate to nations with very low taxes. Faced with the prospect of massive budget shortfalls, the government must act.

  1. “Isn’t it obvious?” says John Pavlov, the most famous Random Chaosian trillionaire, calling from a private yacht somewhere in the Pacific. “If the tax rates weren’t so appallingly high, I - and others like me - would be perfectly happy to stay and contribute to the economy. A tax cut would mean taking money out of a few unimportant things like healthcare, welfare, and the environment, but it’s the only way.”
  2. “There’s no doubt we need that money to stay in the country,” opines your Minister of Finance whilst leafing through an ominous-looking file. “But who says we need the people? If we imposed a massive charge on leaving the country - say 50% of the emigrating person’s total worth - we’d rake in tons of cash and get rid of the filthy rich wasters at the same time.”
  3. “Why allow anyone to emigrate?” muses one of your advisers, “All citizens, from the billionaires down to unskilled laborers, are critical to our economy. If we sealed off the borders, we wouldn’t risk brain drain or fleeing capital. It’d require a rise in taxes, but I think the financial security of our nation is worth it.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, royalist is the most offensive slur in the Random Chaosian language.

2021-05-17 05:00

The Body Politic

Ubalin, a small city in southwestern Random Chaos, was formerly a monarchical city-state before being annexed in the early history of Random Chaos. DNA testing on the remains of the last king of Ubalin, King Oswyn V, traced his lineage to a local man in a poor district of Random Chaos City.

  1. “Momma! Momma! Git the whiskey! No! The gud kind!” shouts Percy Sisko, the newly-found heir to the House of Ood. “Well, it’s about time that my royal ‘eritarge is recugnized! I declare myself the absolute ruler of Ubalin as Yer Majesty King Rex! I will be the most high and most excellent king Ubalin has ever had! And as my first act as King, I declare Ubalin’s independence from Random Chaos; the Ubalinders will be free and independent again under my rule.” He then turns to your young secretary. “And darling, if you want to be a Queen, just hit me up.”
  2. “Liberté, égalité, fraternité!” yells Naki Biscuitbarrel, the current mayor of Ubalin. “We first became a part of this great country as a direct result of when that tyrant Oswyn was violently ripped apart by blackout drunk peasants! To prevent reactionaries from poisoning and breaking apart the nation with outdated traditions, we need to denounce monarchy for the sham it is whenever it pops up!”
  3. “Maybe there’s a compromise,” speculates Tyrion Hackett, a prolific jouster and part-time mutton farmer. “How about instead of making him the absolute monarch of Ubalin, we install King... Rex as a constitutional monarch of Ubalin. That way Ubalin stays a part of Random Chaos and continues to be run by competent politicians, but they’ll have a bit of tradition to rally behind. And imagine having an actual king open the Ubalin medieval fayre. My mutton sales will go through the roof!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, interviewees for teaching jobs are waterboarded to "reveal undesirable histories".

2021-05-16 22:00

Teacher’s Past Blown Wide Open

A local kindergarten teacher was fired this weekend when the parent of one of her students uncovered her previous job as an adult film star. The teacher has filed a wrongful termination lawsuit against the school.

  1. “It’s disgraceful that this harlot was ever allowed around children!” spits PTA head Chongba Thomas, spraying your face as he speaks. “If someone of this ill repute can breeze into a job with children, then clearly our vetting processes simply aren’t robust enough. We ought to beef up our interviews, maybe start trading tips with national intelligence agencies so we get the best possible candidates. Our children are worth it.”
  2. “I just fail to see why it’s anyone’s business,” retorts the fired teacher, Sasha Bleu, while twirling her hair around her finger. “It’s not as if I’m adding my old movies to the lesson plan. Really, no one would have known if it weren’t for a nosy parent. Sounds like someone’s secretly a fan of mine! Tell these holier-than-thou prudes to mind their own business - all that matters is the job I’m doing now.”
  3. “We need to take this a step further!” declares noted feminist activist Llewellyn Cheswick, trying to burn his bra, but only succeeding in melting the latex a little. “Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s a beautiful part of being alive and frankly the level of slut-shaming going on here is absolutely deplorable. Sasha needs to be celebrated, not punished! In fact, maybe government should be subsidising adult entertainment!”
  4. “Random Chaos has travelled too far down a dark path,” reprimands Bishop Rosita James, who is sprinkling holy water on Ms. Bleu. “I agree something must be done, but we must treat the disease, not the symptom. We must ban videos of the naked form, and indeed, prohibit nakedness anywhere but in private chambers.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prematurely retired barristers twitch in anxiety when they talk about their courtroom experiences.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2021-05-16 16:00

Lawyers on Trial

Notorious gangster Johnny ‘Stab-Stab’ Reagan was recently found ‘not guilty’ on multiple charges leveled against him, despite a broad expectation from citizens and the media that he would be convicted. Experts are saying that the surprising result was the consequence of Johnny hiring the very best private defence lawyers, while the prosecution was led by an inexperienced and overworked public prosecutor who was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open through the case.

  1. “Zzzzzz... Huh? What? Wasafargit blarg?” garbles public prosecutor Ivan Anap, as you nudge him into wakefulness. “Uh... Look, I’ve done a bad job, clearly. But have you seen my case load? I gotta represent the downtrodden masses and the... wossname... penniless crowds. The system deserves more money, so we can get better public servants, and so I can get some... some... slee...” He collapses, face-first onto the floor.
  2. “Don’t mind Rip Van Winkle here,” growls ‘Filthy’ Harold Callahan, a cop with little love for lawyers, kicking the sleeping attorney in the gut. “All these ‘public servants’ are doing is clogging up the system, and keeping justice from being served. I say scrap the system entirely and keep honest taxpayers from paying for the bureaucracy of criminality. Let people hire their fancy-schmancy punk lawyers if they want to, but don’t make ME pay for those bottom-feeding scum. Let’s have less talk and more justice.”
  3. “That’s ridiculous, obviously,” says government minister Justitia Caecus, as she searches for a pair of dropped contact lenses. “Public defenders and prosecutors are obviously something we can’t afford to lose. But why not go further? Why not have every individual be assigned state representation only, regardless of financial standing? That would go a long way toward promoting true justice within our nation. Sure, the lawyers might complain that you’ll be making them public servants on a public service wage, but don’t we care about fairness and justice?”
  4. “But still, it won’t be truly fair, will it?” muses futurist Diana Moon. “Even randomly allocated lawyers will vary in ability. I’ve been reading about something called Vonnegut handicapping: using external devices to create equality of ability. Allow both private and state-funded lawyers, but fit them with a shock collar that gives them distracting electrical shocks throughout a court case. The greater their recorded success rate, the more often they will receive shocks. That way, everyone will eventually receive the same level of expertise in their legal counsel. Flawless logic, correct?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, if foreigners can hit a spittoon from five paces they get a free holiday to Random Chaos.

2021-05-16 10:00

Culture Wars

A family from Random Chaos was arrested while on holiday in Tasmania for taking a photo of their child urinating in Lake Sacred - a cultural icon that is revered by all Tasmanians. This incident, and others of Random Chaosians behaving badly while abroad, has resulted in a national debate about how uncivilized Random Chaos appears to the rest of The Hatrackia.

  1. “We are the laughing stock of The Hatrackia,” opines your mother, as she picks up the litter on the floor of your office. “We need to draw up a list of government-sanctioned guidelines to show Random Chaosians how to behave properly in the countries they are visiting, and require that all travel agents hand over a copy to anyone who books a foreign holiday. We need to understand that, although some Random Chaosians urinate in fountains and throw rubbish everywhere here, it is not acceptable in other countries.”
  2. “Unfortunately, that won’t be enough to change our bad habits,” declares Tayyip King, your old school teacher, as he orders one of your aides to take out the rubbish bin. “Every time I go out, I see an awful lot of people jumping queues and a few even spitting in restaurants. Have we no shame? Well, I’ve had enough; I say we ban all citizens from leaving Random Chaos. Then we will no longer embarrass ourselves in the eyes of The Hatrackia.”
  3. Your glamorous secretary, Lauren Robinson, checks her perfectly coiffed hair to make sure not a strand is out of place. Wearing her elegant branded dress, she sits coyly and gracefully crosses her stockinged feet. She then sneezes into her palm and wipes the snot all over her clothes. “Who cares what the rest of The Hatrackia thinks? I like the way we Random Chaosians are. If those other nations think we’re rude, then that’s their problem! In fact, why don’t we build exhibitions in the other capital cities of The Hatrackia, showcasing our way of doing things? That way, they will stop criticising us and understand us better.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, shopping comes bagged and tagged.

2021-05-16 04:00

Waste Not Want Not

With the nation recently affirming its pro-choice stance and guaranteeing women the freedom to terminate unwanted pregnancies, the question has risen about the proper disposal of the products of conception.

  1. “This is an untapped medical resource of considerable scientific value,” explains Dick Wessex, the Director of the Random Chaos Stem Cell Research Institute, urging you to look at an image depicting a life-sized zygote. “Life-saving research can be and has been carried out using foetal material. For example, past experiments that gave us the polio vaccine. In the future, they may be part of the cure for neurodegenerative diseases and spinal cord injuries. Claim this resource for use in medical research, and new advances will surely follow.”
  2. “I understand that abortion is sometimes regrettably necessary, but these are still human remains that we’re talking about here,” argues funeral director Jessica Dlamini, glancing dolefully at Wessex. “The bereaved family should perhaps instead be given counsel on options for a dignified funeral service, and the importance of mourning the lost little life. This act will also help give sufficient weight to the act of ending an unborn life, and perhaps make people consider their family planning options more carefully in the future.”
  3. “The way I see it, the thing is a product of my body,” says proud abortion clinic regular and self-proclaimed ‘expert laissez-faire economist’ Selma Leach. “Ipso facto, I retain ownership. If I want to sell the products of conception to a research institute or to some major national corporation that wants it for whatever purpose, then I have the absolute right to sell to the highest bidder. If I’d rather not, that’s up to me too. That’s the free market economy.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, abortions are routinely performed in the nation's hospitals.

2021-05-15 22:00

Much Ado About Abortion

A monstrous debate between pro-life and pro-choice groups has erupted after a high-profile case of a pregnant woman aborting her foetus because she ‘didn’t feel like it’ hit the tabloids.

  1. Brenda McCarthy, lawyer for the woman known only as Miss X, says, “It is Miss X’s right to choose! It’s her body; she can do whatever she wants with it. In the interest of women’s rights, abortion MUST be legal throughout the country!”
  2. “I most vehemently disagree,” says Gwilym Solo, a pro-life activist. “I’m all for women’s rights in general, but what about the child? Does it have no rights either? Abortion is totally immoral and I insist that it be outlawed except in cases of rape, or when the mother’s life is in danger.”
  3. “You’re not going far enough! Abortion is murder!” shouts Reverend Luna Bowman, waving a placard with a picture of a foetus on it. “God decides which babies live and which will die, not us! The government must maintain a stern anti-abortion stance to preserve the morality of Random Chaos!”
  4. “Abortion has to be legal if we’re going to last as a nation,” says Sayid Harkness, President of the Society of Bitter Old People. “Have you ever thought that with our nation’s growing population of 2.203 billion, we soon aren’t going to be able to squeeze any more people into Random Chaos? If we use abortion to control the population, we’ll make great savings and can spend the money elsewhere. One child per family should just about do it I think. Extraneous ones can be sold to other countries.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, churches frequently hold public 'contraception burnings'.

2021-05-15 16:00

It’s UterUs, Not UterYou!

A religious talk show host raised a furor with his call to ban contraception. Women’s rights groups have come to you demanding a response.

  1. “I’m appalled these religious wackos have the gall to even think about banning birth control,” Alina Krustofsky says to you. “These men are trying to control our bodies. They treat us like we’re their own personal baby dispensers — not living, thinking humans. It’s demeaning! My body, my choice!”
  2. “You aren’t going to listen to these pagans,” scoffs Archbishop Eobard Rose. “Conceiving a child is one of the most enjoyable moments one may ever have in their lives. To deprive yourself of this blessing of God is an abomination! Contraception must be outlawed! It encourages casual sex, and destroys the true meaning of the act. If people are not willing to bear the consequences of their actions, then they should not act at all.”
  3. “Both sides have rocks in their brains,” says proud asexual, Kendra Adams. “Why don’t we just ban sex altogether, and force people to use artificial insemination? That way, we can preview everyone who signs up to have kids, and if we don’t like it, tough beans for them. The police may have to work harder to catch those who ‘overlook’ this measure, but if that’s the price we have to pay for ending this inane argument once and for all, it’ll be well worth it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bus ads propagandize causes ranging from sexual revolution to religious pogroms.

2021-05-15 10:00

A Busload of Worry

An advertisement battle over the morality and acceptability of “coming out of the closet” is taking place on Random Chaos City’s buses, with different factions presenting their vehement cases on these moving billboards. Groups on all sides are demanding the government step in, soothe egos, and take action.

  1. “This is disgusting, and I shouldn’t have to see it,” pines prominent homosexual, Casimir Coleman, for once abandoning stereotype to be seen without feather boa, “Random Chaos should be a nation intolerant of intolerance, and what could be more intolerant than this? Have you any idea what damage this fundamentalist advertisement will do to young people struggling to come to terms with their sexuality? We should ban this ad, and instead educate children to be free about their sexual orientation, without deference to religious or cultural orthodoxy.”
  2. “This is disgusting, and I shouldn’t have to see it,” declares Kristian Keating, a particularly prudish representative of a major religion, “Have we forgotten that Random Chaos is a country founded on traditional values, not least the sanctity of the relationship between man and woman? These deviants have no respect for what is natural and are spreading a sickness through my country, so I have a god-given right to educate the people about it. I say we ought to ban these LGBwhatever posters and divert some government funds to reminding the people of Random Chaos what it truly means to be a virtuous soul!”
  3. “Last I checked, free speech meant listening to people you didn’t like,” yawns your advisor, Rebecca Reyes, slouched over a sofa with a newspaper over her face. “A principle your office seems utterly devoted to... Look. Should a bunch of religious nutjobs stop homosexuals from saying it’s alright for Jim and Jones to hold hands in the street? Of course not. Equally, should a bunch of tarted-up fruits stop the devout from banging on about their divine revelation? Obviously no. So why stop either of them? Freedom of expression is more important than either party’s sensibilities, no matter how distasteful that might be.”
  4. “This whole culture is foul, and we shouldn’t perpetuate it,” argues daily commuter, Zangbu Xiaoping, “Surely the point of public transportation is to quickly get people to work or wherever, not to bombard them with fringe political causes. We should do away with advertising on government services and properties altogether, as well as pour some more money into our public transportation network. Then Random Chaos City would have the best transport in the world.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, what citizens give with one hand they take away with the other.

2021-05-15 04:00

The Walking, Talking, and Irritated Dead

Seven years ago Oliver King went missing after a yachting accident, and has since been declared officially dead. However, he recently re-emerged and came back to Random Chaos. Despite showing up in person to get his death certificate reversed, he found he could not do so. His mortician has come to complain to you on his behalf, as corpses aren’t allowed in the building.

  1. “It seems silly to me that my corpse... er, I mean patient, is still considered dead,” says Fumiko deJong, the mortician of Oliver King, as she pushes a gurney with a covered and very life-like mannequin on it. “If somebody who has been declared dead shows up and gets an examination, the doctor should be able to change their legal status to living.”
  2. The mannequin suddenly sits up, revealing itself to be Lars Lannister, who was also declared legally dead after getting lost in the rain forests of Macronesia ten years ago. “Being dead isn’t all bad, I suppose. There are no taxes, my family got an insurance pay-out... I guess it’s kind of fun to be a ‘zombie’! You should just let me stay legally dead. People like me, who officially ‘don’t exist’, can’t claim any government benefits, so you guys get to save some money too.”
  3. “I may have made a mistake, but after seven years it’s reasonable to presume someone isn’t coming back,” states Rory Ruiz, the registrar who made the death of Oliver King official. “Of course Oliver is still alive and should be registered as such. Therefore, his family should be made to return their insurance pay-out, and his last will and testament needs to be scrutinized to see if they received any other benefits from his death.”
  4. “You know, maybe Lars Lannister is on to something,” says your Minister of Necromancy, Agatha Amin. “Maybe we should create a task force of legally dead people to eliminate dissenters. We can deny their existence easily because they’re all dead, and if anybody tries to blow the lid off it, they’ll just sound like a crackpot who believes children’s stories!”
  5. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ZOMBIE!” screams your young and excitable niece. “KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!” Your sister comes in to try to calm the hysterical girl down, as she shouts over the screaming. “Seriously though, if the government says people are dead, they ought to ensure it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign envoys that want to visit Random Chaos now have to navigate real minefields in addition to the political ones.

2021-05-14 22:30

Ambassadors Behaving Madly

The privilege of diplomatic immunity for ambassadors has entered the news after several of them have been caught in unsavory behavior, including drunk driving, fist fights, and the attempted murder of a Brancalandian Member of Parliament. Concerned citizens and outraged foreign nationals have asked your government to step in and bring your ambassadors in line.

  1. “The solution is quite simple,” states your Minister of Foreign Affairs while trying to smooth things over with his Brancalandian counterpart. “Why don’t we simply fire any ambassador who acts like a buffoon? We obviously can’t have our diplomats acting like spoiled children and besmirching our good name. We must replace them with the most upstanding members of society. Problem solved!”
  2. “That still doesn’t change the fact that your ambassador tried to kill one of our MPs!” replies the Brancalandian Foreign Minister, who has started a slap fight with your own Minister of Foreign Affairs. “I demand that all ambassadors have their diplomatic immunity revoked so that we can charge them for all of the crimes they have committed. No person should be above the law! To make it fair, we wouldn’t complain if you also took away immunity from all of the foreign diplomats in Random Chaos.”
  3. “Being a diplomat is so stressful,” complains Eliot Sulu, your former ambassador to Tasmania, who has taken it upon himself to stop the fighting between the two ministers. “You send us off to these dangerous hellholes all across The Hatrackia. Is it any wonder that some of us snap? Our job is to promote the nation’s interests and help find new allies. We need diplomatic immunity to ensure our safety as national envoys, guarantee our freedom of movement, and maybe let off some steam on the weekends. I think a little international embarrassment is a small price to pay for that.”
  4. “Ambassadors! Bah! Who needs them?” questions infamous nationalist and staunch xenophobe Kayla Caldwell while giving a salute that makes everyone in the room uncomfortable. “This compulsive need to learn about other countries or grant their diplomats safe passage is very un-Random Chaosian. We’d be much better off keeping to ourselves and not having to worry about these damn foreigners or their opinions on how we conduct our business.”
  5. “Diplomatic immunity, you say?” muses Panu Hill, your Minister of Sycophancy. “Why should this just be limited to ambassadors? It seems to me that if anyone deserves immunity, it’s you. You’re practically a god to these people anyway. You should be able to do whatever you want.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people spend a lot on hair and nails.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2021-05-14 16:00

The White Man’s Burden

Albinos - born with an absence of pigment in their eyes, skin or hair - suffer a lot of medical problems as a result of their condition. Additionally, they can often face multiple forms of discrimination, and some even believe that their bodies possess extraordinary health benefits and magic powers. Following a brutal attack on an albinistic teenager, which left him armless and disfigured, you have been urged to address their persecution.

  1. “Decapitations, infanticides, kidnappings, and amputations! It’s beyond the pale!” weeps Yui Wilson, mother of the now hospitalised victim of the attack. “These are the dangers that albinos face every day. This must end! It should be illegal for anyone to discriminate against albinos, and that includes the media. In fact, make it easier to be an albino in Random Chaos: give them free eye care, police protection, welfare support, and a lifetime supply of sunscreen!”
  2. “This isn’t a black and white issue, and skin-deep solutions won’t tackle the root causes,” declares Dave Dubois, a divisive atheist demagogue. “Ignorance and superstition are to blame for all this, so let’s stamp them out. Raise awareness about what albinism is and isn’t. Teach people that albinos are normal Random Chaosians, just like you and me. We must erase the absurd primitive thinking that drives these attacks. Teach rationality, teach science, teach atheism!”
  3. “Albinos definitely possess magicks beyond this realm,” bellows the self-proclaimed Witch of the Wilds, whose person is adorned with amulets made of albino body parts. “Trust me, I’m also a doctor. The hair of an albino is a cure for many afflictions, including blindness, cancer and brain freezes. The tears of an orphaned albino child will remedy a broken heart. Therefore, the government must support my endeavor to bring the gifts of the albino to all in Random Chaos by setting up albino hunting guilds and farms. The nation can even benefit by sacrificing an albino every now and then for victory in war or a bountiful harvest!”
  4. “Within the Ashen Ones, the spirit of the divine dwells,” proclaims Jazz Licorish, Grand High Poobah of the Order of Violet. “Their eyes, the windows to the soul, reveal this to be Truth. One observes the lavender ghost of the great Mistress Violet typing within, Her presence on earth made physical. That is why the rest of their bodies lack any color; the whole existence of the albino is devoted to housing the Holy. It is written; they must be revered! Pay tribute to our albino masters, Leader, and lay your nation’s riches at their feet.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, scientists earn more grant money for reproducing old experiments than trying anything new.

2021-05-14 10:00

Just Plane Ridiculous

As of late, a growing number of Random Chaosian citizens are adopting the idea that the world is flat. After an all out brawl started in the typically level-headed Department of Geography, you’ve decided to call in experts on the matter to settle the issue once and for all.

  1. “It’s plain to see that the world exists as a flat plane,” claims amateur researcher Gyaltsen Taylor, playin’ with homophones. “I boarded a plane once, and I didn’t see the slightest bit of curvature on the plain below us as we flew over. The spherical earth theory is simply a global conspiracy by the so-called ‘sciences’ to flatly deny the truth of our planal existence. You should roundly denounce them and spread the word all around the earth!”
  2. “While we may not have the answers for everything, one thing we can be sure of is that the earth is definitely not flat,” states renowned geographer Malon Chavez, absent-mindedly using a miniature globe as a stress-ball. “To deny this easily provable theory is the height of ignorance. We have to correct these illogical assumptions before anti-intellectualism takes root in our society. You must give us as many chips as we need in order to show flat-earthers that their beliefs are false.”
  3. “So, does it really matter if a few adults reject science?” shrugs comedian Sayid Ives, popping his head in through the window. “Let people say that the earth is round, or flat, or built on the back of a giant turtle named ‘Andreas’. It’s just one more source of easy jokes. But, still, you should probably increase the funding for school science classes... seriously. Adults can believe whatever they like, but they shouldn’t be left to screw up their kids’ heads.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry and the Top 5% for Highest Unexpected Death Rate and Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the only position a woman can hold is baby-maker.

2021-05-14 04:00

It Takes a Village

A recently released book authored by Henry Holst, your former Human Services Minister, has highlighted the financial and mental health concerns of parents in Random Chaos. The book has thrust the issue of childcare back into the public spotlight.

  1. “I don’t know how much more I can take without government support,” complains a visibly stressed out mother while desperately trying to console her screaming child. “Between working two jobs and raising a child, I don’t know how I’m managing to hold it together. The government needs to start getting involved before there are mass mental breakdowns! If you gave parents a tax credit and invest in some mental health initiatives, it would really help. Oh, won’t somebody please think of the children?”
  2. “The problem is that these fathers and mothers obviously have no idea how to do their job,” counters your Education Minister while raising her voice over the tantrum-throwing toddler. “Parents need to understand budgeting, stress management, and how to calm down screaming infants. I propose mandatory parenting classes for adults and teenagers alike. The government could then take away children from those who fail the testing. Sure, that would mean investing more in the education budget, but won’t you please think of the children?”
  3. “You are all missing the obvious solution,” coos your incredibly mature sixteen-year-old niece as she calms down the crying infant. “What Random Chaos needs is a national babysitting and nanny program. Parents obviously need a break from the stresses of child-rearing, and people need to know that their lives aren’t going to be interrupted by screaming kids. By enlisting the help of babysitters and nannies across the country, along with investments in daycare and childcare programs, this problem will be a thing of the past.” Your niece hands you the baby. “Isn’t he adorable?”
  4. “No, no, and no!” exclaims your Finance Minister, who has recently been named Random Chaos’s most eligible bachelor by Bonjour Magazine. “Why should my taxes have to pay for someone else’s bratty kids? I’m already paying over and above for these social programs that are obviously not working. Let’s get rid of whatever childcare programs we have and save ourselves a bundle of chips. If you can’t afford to have kids, then don’t have them.”
  5. “They have it all wrong!” invokes impatient company boss Finnick Pelosi, who is infamous for his misogynistic rants. “The problem isn’t just that these girls neglect their kids, but that they neglect their work as well. If an employer feels his female staff are tired-looking, they should be allowed to dismiss them from their jobs. It’s for their benefit as well as ours, we just take the decision out of their hands, so they don’t have to worry their pretty heads over it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 'Let's Get It On' has jumped to #1 on the billboard charts.

2021-05-13 22:00

A Vat Lot of Trouble

A major contamination of Random Chaos’s Citizen Creation Vats has caused millions of your newest citizens to be ‘born’ with severe mental illnesses. An emergency meeting of your top Ministers has been called to decide what to do about the issue.

  1. “It’s obvious what must be done,” says Jyn Suparman, your Minister for Artificial Citizens. “We must regrow new brains for the lot of them. It’ll cost a fortune, but it’s our duty as their leaders. It’s our fault these citizens are suffering; so naturally, we must do all we can to fix the problem. What other option is there? Think of your citizens.”
  2. “Are you insane?” asks your Public Relations Coordinator. “-er ahem, but think of the money! It would cost billions of chips to regrow and transplant that many brains. Mark my words, if you give them new brains, you’ll have a coup on your hands for sending our economy into a tailspin. No. No. Absolutely not. We must,” he leans in with a pained look, “ship these ‘defectives’ off to a secluded island somewhere, so we can forget they ever existed.”
  3. An old man on the street who has been jabbing at you through the window with his cane chimes in, “The solution is plain as day you doddering fools! These vats must be closed immediately and the technology banned! They’re unnatural abominations! You know how I came into this world? Kicking and screaming from the loins of my mother! The government must allow people to have sex again and give birth the way God intended!”
  4. “Oh no no no, we’ve invested too much money into the national vat system to throw it all away over one minor incident,” stresses your Financial Minister Oberon Capulet. “Look at the situation from a resource standpoint. This batch of resources is damaged, so naturally, the most economical solution is to remove the damaged products, dispose of them, and recycle the functional parts back into the vats. We must reduce, reuse and recycle, Leader, for the good of our national vats - and for the good of Random Chaos, of course.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Gallery of Amusing Cat Photographs is the most popular museum in the country.

2021-05-13 16:30

Museums: Things of the Past?

A televised news exposé on the public’s shocking ignorance of national history was almost thwarted when journalist Murray Shafer couldn’t find any visitors to interview at the Museum of Random Chaosian History. The report instead aired as a folksy monologue. Within sixty minutes, your office was besieged by all kinds of people who claim to have found the perfect solution.

  1. “The younger generations are bored with the current offerings,” says recently-graduated psychologist Siddhartha Franklin, as he looks up from his phone for a split second. “When I visit the Museum of Random Chaosian History, I don’t just want to stare at some ancient objects. What we really need is interaction, and the best way to provide this is through technology. Children are more eager to learn when you use video clips and games to explain history. Imagine being chased by holographic velociraptors at the Museum of Natural History! That would be money well spent, in my opinion.”
  2. “The real problem is that the average adult appears to have forgotten everything they learned in school,” asserts self-proclaimed aristocrat Arcturus McCloud, while swinging around his wine glass and staining your carpet. “In fact, most people seem completely ignorant of whether Random Chaos even existed before you became our leader! How can you expect them to visit museums without an appreciation for history that is repeatedly inculcated throughout their lives? We need to increase government funding for ongoing adult education before expecting the common people to enjoy visiting a museum.”
  3. “How can you expect anyone to visit Random Chaosian museums?” asks Erica Sparkle, who entered your office in search of the nation’s only wi-fi connection. “Face it. Random Chaos doesn’t have any interesting museums. The Museum of Regional Geography? The Historical House of Hammers? The Gallery of Tourism? Come on! The fact of the matter is, the museums are boring. There’s nothing but mundane themes, dull exhibitions, and tiresome pieces. Let’s build some new, up-to-date museums with things we’d all like to see.”
  4. “Why bother?” moans known troublemaker and small-government enthusiast Karl Brewer, who managed to slip past security. “Museums are a waste of time and a symbol of stolen taxpayer money. Let’s just get rid of them all. No one cares about some dusty old things in cabinets. They distract from real matters, like the fight against oppression by the government. WAKE UP PEOPLE! FREE YOURSELVES!” He continues shouting as security drags him away.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, builders spend more time negotiating "tasteful architecture" than on actual construction.

2021-05-13 10:00

Blot Out Bauhaus?

Following his purchase of a large plot of land in the middle of Random Chaos City, Samuel Dada, the heir to a fortune made on the back of the Tourism industry, has begun his conversion of the property into a vast and unusual mansion. Busybodies are in an uproar at the design, however, which they claim is everything from “out of social context” and “bizarre” to “just plain ugly”.

  1. “This monstrosity must be torn down immediately!” claims local harridan and book-club member, Dana Johannsen. “The trees in the garden spell a frightening word from the balcony; and the tower looks like a - a - well, you know! Mr. Dada’s mansion may be his own, but the government must intervene in the name of taste and common decency. There should be a licensing organisation to approve all future renovations of buildings, lest we be plagued by these architectural abominations.”
  2. “Come on... it’s my house, fer chrissakes,” bemoans Mr. Dada, lounging on a sun-deck outside his home, elaborate cocktail and trophy-wife close by. “Surely I can do what I like to my own stuff? Like that time I painted my third car violet - that was cool, wasn’t it? Don’t you just hate it when someone bumbles over - I bet you know just what I mean - and starts tellin’ you what to do? Man, I hate that. So, look, right, let’s just go inside, have a drink, and forget this whole thing ever happened.”
  3. “Why is this even a national debate?” asks obviously strung-out and possibly hungover bureaucrat, Nate Quinn, mumbling, “It’s just a waste of time... Look. Whatever you do, you’re going to be unpopular. Why don’t you just dodge the bullet? Let local authorities decide - and even decide if it’s their job to decide. That way you don’t annoy anyone, and, hey, I’m sure there’s some bunch of local government advocates who’ll love you for it. Now. Can I go home? Please?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, meteorologists are instantly recognizable from their luxury cars and jewelry.

2021-05-13 04:00

The Wreck of the Edward Fitzpatrick

The media’s obsession of the week is the “Edward Fitzpatrick,” a Random Chaosian ore freighter that sank in a sudden freak storm while shipping its haul of raw taconite across Great Gambler Lake for smelting. The ship, its cargo, and crew were all lost.

  1. “Oh, well, this is a terrible disaster,” sighs Remus Titan, CEO of Consolidated Resource Acquisition Partners. “Do you know how many tons of ore that ship was carrying? That’s hundreds of thousands of chips my company’s lost!” Wiping a kerchief across his brow, he continues. “You know, the government really ought to send some money our way to make up for the lost capital. It’s for the best. With a hefty tax break, we can make sure such a terrible tragedy doesn’t happen to our bottom line - uh, employees - again.”
  2. Bereaved family member Andrea Doria, still in funeral attire, shoves your secretary aside as she storms into your office. “Do you realize what a horrible crime this wreck really was? I’ll have you know that one of the sailors on the Edward Fitzpatrick was my husband’s cousin’s half-brother! Do you know how much this has impacted me and my family? All because those mining industry jackals don’t give a damn about their employees!” She takes a breath and continues, “My point is, those weasels should be forced to pay reparations to the families of the victims, AND overhaul their whole fleet - more lifeboats, more safety regulations, engine tune-ups, the works! Maybe if they actually cared about those sailors they wouldn’t have sent them out on such a ramshackle old hulk.”
  3. “You’re missing the whole point,” cries model train enthusiast Lionel Brio as he starts laying track all over your office. “The problem here is that we were using the wrong kind of transport in the first place! Boats are old and prone to sink, and rocks don’t exactly float.” He gets a gleam in his eye as a six-inch locomotive blows smoke in your face. “What we need is trains. Picture it: we convert mining transport to railways, and all the danger of sailing will become a thing of the past! It won’t be cheap, but we’ll have the best rail network in The Hatrackia, and more importantly I’ll get some new model freight cars for my collection!”
  4. Jordan Brighthand, a popular Random Chaosian folk singer, strides into your office, a battered acoustic guitar slung on his shoulder. “You know, Leader, the story of this shipwreck has really inspired me,” he says as he strums out a melody. “Let’s face it, you can’t stop tragedies like this. It’s just fate. But what we can do is immortalize the victims in song, so that future generations of Random Chaosians can hear the stories of our past. It sure beats reading about ‘em - why stick your nose in a book when your guitar can gently weep over the coffins?”
  5. “Well the answer’s clear to me,” says Hal Stoker, the most popular weather forecaster in Random Chaos City. “This was a failure by meteorologists all around Great Gambler Lake. This is a red flag that’s telling you to pour some government funds into the Random Chaosian Institute of Meteorology. Our weather forecasters have been poorly trained on outdated equipment for years as the Institute languished. We really need better gear; the new Rotating Aerial Inversion Navigator, that’s the RAIN-420 doppler radar, is a real beauty, I gotta get my hands on that - oh, uh, and we’ll save some lives, too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, exports are stamped with "made by the invisible hand you commies".

2021-05-12 22:00

Weather Report: It’s Not Graining In East Lebatuck

East Lebatuck, one of the largest ‘second world’ nations, is in the midst of a famine. It does not typically trade with Random Chaos due to its suspicion of capitalism. However, because of the famine, the ‘Iron Giant of Communism’ wants to purchase large quantities of foodstuffs, particularly grain, from Random Chaos.

  1. “We’re going to have a field day!” gasps your Treasury Minister, grasping the gravity of the situation. “Imagine the headlines — ‘Great Groat! East Lebatuck Grovels to Graceful Random Chaos to Gratify its Grain Grievances’. Every sale we make to East Lebatuck is proof that free markets work and communism does not. You’ve got to encourage this trade — provide subsidies to corporations that do business with East Lebatuck, and we’ll show the world who’s really won the cold war.”
  2. “See what I’m doing here?” asks advisor Jan Jammeh, rubbing his middle finger on his wrist. “I’m playing the world’s smallest violin. The best way to show capitalist superiority is to let this evil empire face the consequences of its communist folly and let it starve. They can ask our noble corporations for grain once they open up to free enterprise in their country. Which, let’s face it, will be never.”
  3. “Dear leader, don’t listen to these commissars. This is not an opportunity to showboat,” advises communist sympathizer Monica Powers, wearing a red pin of East Lebatuck Chairman Joseph Rushev on her lapel. “Starving people is not cool, man. So how about you treat this like a humanitarian problem and send free grain with no strings attached? In return, we pinky promise not to throw you into the gulag when this capitalist state inevitably crumbles.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is The Hatrackia's leading manufacturer of intricately-patterned sweaters.

2021-05-12 16:00

Clasp of Controversy

Dustin Wiseau, the young and charismatic Prime Minister of Brancaland, did not shake your hand at a recent meeting of world leaders. This caused considerable upset among many politicians at home. While the Brancalandian embassy insists that Wiseau simply didn’t see you, many Random Chaosian experts suggest that it was a political statement designed to undermine Random Chaos on the global stage.

  1. “How dare he?” fumes your irate Minister of Foreign Affairs, as she viciously tears apart photos of Mr. Wiseau. “I don’t give a damn about any of the hogwash Brancaland is releasing. There is no possible way he did not see you! It was a personal attack and he knows that offending you offends all of us. Demand an apology from Brancaland,” she pauses as a somewhat concerning grin spreads on her face, “or else!”
  2. “That Prime Minister is a charming young man,” coos your mostly-blind grandmother, while knitting you a too-small sweater. “Of course he couldn’t see you; the clothing you wear is far too easy to miss! Why not wear some more noticeable colors? You should, as leader, wear an outfit that matches the national flag! And over it, you could wear this beautiful sweater I just made you!” She beams at a security guard she mistakenly believes is you and hands the guard the sweater. “All yours, honey.”
  3. “Everyone needs to relax,” murmurs Alice Wheeler, your Minister of Diplomatic Solutions, as she agrees to a draw in a chess match with your intern. “He may well have made a political statement, but instead of blowing your stack at Brancaland, why not sit down with Mr. Wiseau? After all, he may have had a bad day, considering his expression! Help him understand we aren’t enemies of Brancaland, and history will thank you. Angry responses never solved anything.”
  4. “You aren’t addressing the real problem!” exclaims Ebenezer Dodinas, your germophobe Health Minister, whose voice is muffled by a gas mask. “Handshakes are gross and unsanitary! You and Mr. Wiseau have thousands of germs on your hands, and all you’re doing is risking infectious diseases! Frankly, you should be thanking him for not passing his germs to you! You need to mandate proper hygienic practices - nothing ridiculous, just washing your hands very carefully every ten minutes - and make sure hand sanitizers and protective gloves are readily available.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gambler populations thrive as dogs are slaughtered in the millions.

2021-05-12 10:00

Plague of the Hybrids!

Angry farmers have taken to the streets demanding the government to act after reported sightings of strange gambler-like dogs eating all the crops in fields.

  1. “This unholy union should never have taken place to begin with,” comments Rajesh Hume, an angry farmer. “The gambler was never meant to mate with a dog! They eat my crops, they attack my livestock and they’re breeding so quickly they’re swamping the environment! We can’t make a living like this! You’ve got to give us the funds and manpower to shoot anything that comes within a mile of our property and put an end to these freaks of nature! We must wipe these creatures out now or before you know it all we’ll be eating is fish.”
  2. “We can’t just destroy these creatures!” exclaims Yasmin Picard, owner of Random Chaos’s biggest safari park. “They may look ugly to you, but I think they’re just beautiful. We need to study them and understand them; think of what we could learn! These wonderful beasts may be a little harmful to the environment, but think of the people who will flock to see them! It would be an educational experience! Think of the money!”
  3. “We could always just kill off all the dogs,” Daenerys Weaver of the “Keep The Species Pure” foundation whispers to you in a conversation. “The gambler is one of the many things our country is famous for; any perversion of its image reflects upon us all! We can’t have their image spoilt by these ugly abominations! Just get the police to go around and kill them all and we can rest easy knowing our countryside is safe!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, protests are illegal.

2021-05-12 04:00

Protesters Have Gone Too Far, Claim Police

A group protesting against the Random Chaosian government began a riot yesterday which resulted in the death of Mr. Benson, a police officer.

  1. “This is an outrage!” cries Police Chief Judi Kumar. “The people of Random Chaos just don’t know how good they have it! Our nation is a gem compared to many others, but if you give an inch they will take a mile. I had to tell officer Benson’s wife yesterday that their children will grow up without a father. Do I think public protests should be outlawed? You’re damn right I do.”
  2. “It all happened so fast,” says Noah Ross, one of the protesters. “The crowd was just chanting, you know... and then they tear gassed us. I saw one cop, this Mr. Benson, club a teenager right in the face! For what? Speaking his mind! That’s when the crowd rushed him. I’m sorry he’s dead, but the police think they have a right to do whatever they want - things get out of hand sometimes. I think the police department should keep out of the way when we’re protesting - even if things do get... excited.”
  3. “It’s because protests get out of hand sometimes that we need a police presence,” argues PC Tamara Adams eventually after singing the national anthem to you. “Even violent protestors have a right to feel safe on the streets. If that means we have to die to protect the innocent, then that means we have to die. I think protests should be restricted to a designated area where police can keep an eye on the protestors. Then everything can go nice and smoothly and no one will have to worry about being beaten to death.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, facial disfigurement is a leading cause of supervillainy.

2021-05-11 22:00

My Milkshake Brings All the Chips to the Yard

Thanks to a timely mastectomy performed by the Random Chaosian health care system, your trusted aide Kira Ripoli has survived cancer and received a clean bill of health. In preparing to return to work, however, she has been caught flat-footed.

  1. “How can I face the world without constantly reminding people that my eyes are up here?” asks Ripoli. “In order for both my mental and physical health to be restored, I must have access to reconstructive surgery! I mean, my breasts were small and humble, and hardly mountainous, but they were mine, you know? The hospitals took me apart — they can darn well put me back together!”
  2. “This case seems clear-cut to me,” agrees ambitious anesthesiologist Rosalia Wiener. “But it’s not enough to restore what illness has taken. We have the technology to remove wrinkles from the elderly, shave weight off the obese, even adjust the corneas of people who keep forgetting their glasses! Our hospitals must treat every case of cosmetic surgery, so our population can look and feel their best.”
  3. “I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller,” bemoans the uncoordinated Agnes Drake. “But you know what? I don’t ask the public to pay for height augmentation. Random Chaosian health care should only be used for urgent medical conditions, not elective surgeries. If Kira doesn’t like the way she looks, she could have just paid for her own boob job.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, environmentalists are staging large protests in front of reopened nuclear power plants.

2021-05-11 16:00

Are ‘Friends’ Electric?

A civil war in Maxtopia, a country that provides a significant portion of the electricity consumed in Random Chaos, is already causing blackouts in provincial cities. Various concerned groups are demanding you take action before the situation gets worse.

  1. “Relying on other countries for something as important as electricity is a terrible idea,” says Anna Fox, head of the isolationist group ‘We’re Not Xenophobic, But’. “Random Chaos must be self-sufficient in its electrical needs. And if that means bringing back those nuke plants, so be it. We’re a lot safer generating our own power than being at the whims of the international market, even if the tree-huggers throw a fit.”
  2. “Oh, don’t listen to that nutjob!” says your Minister of Trade, Enrico McClaine, “We’re just too focused on our relationship with Maxtopia, that’s all. We must spread our net wider and take advantage of the other nations who’d be willing to provide services for us - for a slightly higher price.”
  3. A delegation from the Maxtopian rebels is ushered into your office. “OK, here’s the deal. You give us arms and cash to overthrow the ‘legitimate’ Maxtopian government, and in return we’ll halve the price we charge for electricity when we’re running the place. Maybe preferential access for your industries to our natural resources as well, yeah? I think our regimes will develop a very close alliance.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, small towns have started burning historical buildings in hopes of attracting tourists.

2021-05-11 10:00

Cathedrals Have Never Been Hotter

During some routine renovations, the ancient Random Chaos City Cathedral caught fire after a worker accidentally knocked a lit candle onto a bundle of rags. Miraculously, the basic structure is intact and plans for rebuilding are already being made. A cadre of building experts have begun to occupy your office, throwing blueprints and sketches onto your desk.

  1. “Leader!” shouts an architect as he pushes through a wall of his colleagues. “While no doubt this is a national tragedy, we have a chance to reinvent and renew that tired building to bring it into the modern age. None of this Gothic drab — sleek and modern is the way to go, reinforced with steel and glass. We can probably fit some office spaces into the spires, with a cafe at the entrance! The building will practically pay for itself!”
  2. “The Random Chaos City Cathedral is a historical wonder and world heritage site!” shrieks a small woman, clawing her way through a sea of civil engineers. “Doing anything else than rebuilding this site exactly as it was, and as the original architects intended, is an insult to our heritage. Don’t rob our children of this piece of Random Chaosian history!”
  3. A terrified intern, who is being used as a battering ram by a gang of city planners, interjects: “I don’t even know what’s going on! Who cares about the stupid cathedral at this point? Can’t the government just re-purpose the site into something we all would enjoy, like a theme park or amusement fair? You don’t even have to build anything — Random Chaosians apparently love trash fires, given that these lunatics still won’t unhand me!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Efficient Economies.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the fattest folk in Random Chaos look to be the happiest ones.

2021-05-11 04:00

I’ll Have What She’s Having

The formerly insignificant nation of Merovingia has come to international attention recently with its patissiers creating a formidable new chocolate cake called “The Grand Moment”. It’s said that this cake has an unusual effect on the biochemistry of women who indulge in it, creating waves of female pleasure that cannot be found elsewhere in the culinary world. Discussions ensue over a family game of Scrabble.

  1. “We. Must. Have. This. CAKE!” shouts your grandmother, gripping her tile tray with surprising intensity. “Buy it in. Relax any and all barriers to entry. This could be a once in a lifetime experience! Don’t you dare stand in our way!”
  2. “I understand that scientific analyses suggest there may be some dubious microbes and unapproved pharmaceuticals amongst the special additives here,” postulates your grandfather, as he twiddles an ‘O’ tile in his hand but fails to spot the ‘G’ he needs. “We shouldn’t allow foodstuffs to cross our borders until they pass rigorous food safety standards checks to prove that they are microbe and toxin-free.”
  3. “Women are flighty and irrational creatures,” lectures your recently-separated brother condescendingly, struggling to work out what word he can spell with the letters L, S, O, E and R. “Frankly, we ought to deny them indulgences and selfish pleasures to better focus their minds on their feminine duties: cooking, raising children and cleaning. Never trust a woman who smiles too much; that’s my motto.”
  4. “I’m more curious to know about why there’s no male pleasure here,” says your visually-impaired teenage nephew, licking frosting from his fingers. “We should let the women do whatever they like, but let’s spend some research money looking at how to stimulate male neurochemistry. With enough research, I reckon that we could be the world leaders in culinary pleasure for men.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader is too busy listening to praise to get any work done.

2021-05-10 22:00

You’ve Got Mail

Having already attended to all your appointments, made a few important decisions, and dismissed several small matters, you have nothing left to do and have turned to your mail. Your secretary, Kima Wang, shows you a little letter with a heart on the envelope that he’d like you to look at.

  1. “Hi! My name’s Penny, I’m five (but am often mistaken for five-and-a-half). I wanted to thank you for being my leader. Love, Penny,” your secretary reads aloud, his lower lip wobbling. “That is so sweet! Leader, we have to read these more. If you don’t, then I certainly will. Don’t you want to hear how great you’re doing while you’re solving the nation’s problems?”
  2. “What a snot-nosed brat,” sneers your grumpy Uncle Zangbu, before spitting in the message’s general direction and staining your shoes. “This mail is so sickening! You have better things to attend to than some ‘fan mail’. Besides, what if one of those opposes your leadership? You’d probably pout all day and get nothing done. Make those letters useful; use them as fuel for the fire.”
  3. “If you ask me, this is a very important issue,” declares your Minister of Telecommunications, giving you another thick report with too cheerful a smile. “I think it’d be a great show of integrity to take time off and read these letters out loud and to the public — not all of them, mind you. But get a balance of good and bad. That way, the populace will know that they’re being heard. Plus, you never know, an important national issue might be raised in one of those letters.”
  4. “Let’s not waste an opportunity here,” muses your Minister of Propaganda, confiscating all of your mail. “We should look through these letters and find the ones that best compliment you. If we run dry, we can always make up some names and come up with something appropriately flattering. We’ll replace subversive newsreaders and journalists with smart governmental spokespersons, and let them repeat the wonderful truth about you regularly. Reprint the best letters in all newspapers, and run a competition with prizes for the most fawning... honest citizen. That way everyone will know how great a leader you are!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Great Pyramid of Random Chaos City can be seen from miles away.

2021-05-10 16:00

No Small Wonder

With economic growth skyrocketing and Random Chaos’s prosperity rising, prominent business leaders have come to you with proposals to construct a national wonder as a symbol of these successes.

  1. “To mark this golden age,” declares Leo Tallstoy, CEO of Sky High Company, sitting upright with high hopes, “I suggest we build the tallest building in The Hatrackia! Not only can we finally snatch that tallest building record from the United Federation, but it will break whatever doubts our citizens have about Random Chaos’s future! It will boost the economy and will be a good source of morale and patriotism. When aiming high, nothing’s worth the sky!”
  2. “Why not aim just slightly higher?” asks Anais Skywalker, CEO of Colossal Works Industries, while putting an arm around your shoulder and pointing to a hole in your ceiling you hadn’t noticed previously. “Instead of the conventional skyscraper, we could build a space elevator? We have enough money, resources, and initiative to make sure our Free Land is the first to develop one! We’ll need to overcome some tricky technical challenges, but such is the burden of the true pioneer! It’ll benefit us in space exploration, and that will serve to strengthen the legacy of our golden age!”
  3. “Have you ever heard of the saying ‘too tall to fall?’” inquires Hugh Mongo, another CEO of a large construction company, who barely fits through your doorway. “Or was it ‘too big to fail?’ Anyway, I think that the answer to mark Random Chaos’s successes is not with something tall, but great. And by great, I mean wide, like a ziggurat or a pyramid. It’s waaay safer than some thousand-story death trap, but it will last for thousands of years without any expensive maintenance. How’s that for a fair bargain?”
  4. “Psh,” scoffs Julia Cockburn, one of your more casual advisers, as she rolls her eyes. “It’s true that Random Chaos has reached its zenith, but there is such a thing as modesty. In fact, we could very well do with regulations on the tall and big buildings we already have instead. They are symbols of arrogance, acrophobia... and suggestive imagery. Have you ever seen what the Random Chaos City Building resembles from a certain angle?”
  5. “What’s with Random Chaos’s obsession with making things all big and futuristic? Compensating for something?” mocks Cassandra Kaine, a gaudy Marche Noirian artist-architect. “In Marche Noire we pride ourselves on our spectacular construction projects, some of which are still standing after a thousand years. Our buildings have an ageless and classical beauty to them as opposed to your modern monstrosities. Take a look at our majestic Maxmillia Familia. Granted it’s been under construction for a hundred years, but it’s a far sight prettier than anything proposed here. Take a lesson from the pros, people.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, theft is considered to be okay if the crime happened a long time ago.

2021-05-10 10:00

Tatty Treaty Spat Turns Catty

University scholars recently made headlines for their discovery that an antiquated treaty between the government and the native Violetstone tribe was never correctly translated into the tribe’s language. The treaty - in which the tribe agreed to give up a substantial portion of their native lands - used verb tenses which implied that the agreement was only temporary. Speakers have converged in your office from each of the four directions to give their opinion on the matter.

  1. Chief Sitting Gambler, elected representative of the Violetstone tribe, paces in front of your desk indignantly. “All my ancestors have been cheated of our sacred land by your people. How are we supposed to thrive on tiny parcels of arid land like Spruce Ridge and Leaning Rock Reservations? I demand that all that was once ours is immediately returned to us, regardless of whether the land is privately or publicly owned. It is our heritage and birthright!”
  2. “This simply cannot happen!” proclaims Sanjeev Dvořák, your Minister of Housing and Development, after Chief Sitting Gambler has returned to the sweat lodge that he constructed on your front lawn. “These people are laying claim to productive commercial and industrial zones, along with residential land that was settled by thousands of families. We cannot afford to give up these areas. So what if a few minorities get upset? We need to keep this land, for the prosperity of Random Chaos!”
  3. Your exasperated secretary hurries over to deliver a new folder of issues to you. “Obviously, we can’t just return the land; it’s too valuable to the country. But we can’t ignore these people either; they’re too large a percentage of our population to be disregarded.” Looking pensive, he pauses for a moment and readjusts his glasses. “How about we reimburse them another way? A lump sum of a few million chips should settle them down, right?”
  4. “Listen to this codswallop!” grumbles your bigoted great-uncle while jotting down a series of misspelled racist slogans in a tattered notebook. “These leeches have contributed nothing worth having to our glorious Free Land! They’re lazy vagrants who create a burden on civilized society. All they do is take drugs and commit crimes. Why not just eject them from the country? Only our race is good enough for Random Chaos!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nobody looks each other in the eye at neighborhood block parties any more.

2021-05-10 04:00

I’ll Be Watching You

During a recent TV documentary, retired police officer Daenerys Wickremesinghe revealed that she had arrested your Minister of Law and Order, Moe Quagmire, for voyeurism as a teenager. You have since faced calls to not only fire Mr. Quagmire, but also to implement an exhaustive and accessible sex offenders registry.

  1. “A sex offenders registry is an absolute must,” states Ingmar Doolittle, your Public Safety Minister, while giving Mr. Quagmire the evil eye. “It’s a necessary tool to keep the public safe and aware of all the creeps that are out there. If we give a little more funding to our boys and girls in blue, we’ll have it up in no time. Wouldn’t it be great to see which of your neighbors is a pervert?”
  2. “My whole life is ruined because of a dumb mistake thirty years ago!” wails Mr. Quagmire, as he glances up to check that you have noticed his tear. “We all make mistakes. It’s not like I hurt anyone! People shouldn’t be punished for a moment of teenage stupidity — what about my right to privacy? All misdemeanor crimes of ten years ago or more should be scrubbed from the records.”
  3. “As though anyone can’t tell he’s dangerous by those shifty eyes!” insinuates Police Chief Michonne Lee, who likes to call police brutality ‘enthusiastic questioning’. “Creating a sex offenders registry would be awfully time-consuming and tie up officers who should be out on the streets arresting those jaywalking scumbags. We should bring back good old-fashioned public shaming by branding the sex offenders. It’ll make my job so much easier and bring in a new golden age of law and order!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the lactose-intolerant are force-fed cheese products with predictably gassy results.

2021-05-09 22:00

Would a Rochebaron by Any Other Name Smell Just as Sweet?

A newly-founded religious group, Vive La Chèvre, has vigorously protested the government’s hard line against dairy farming.

  1. “It’s edam shame that cheese isn’t a delicious sector of our economy!” declares the fanatical Val Taleggio, who appears to have constructed clothing out of a variety of dairy products. “Cheese is love. Cheese is life. We must force people to eat cheese, regardless of their dietary problems, so everyone can learn to love one another in the name of dairy. Otherwise poor souls will live forever provolone.” He then starts building a shrine of cheese around your desk.
  2. “Cry me a river of cow’s milk. Cheese is an offense to our culture and everything we stand for, ¡No Parmesan!” decries perpetually confused anti-fascist and lifelong turophobe Jack Monterey. “It’s a vile and disgusting food that at least .02% of Random Chaos’s population believes to be immoral. The masses have spoken: cheese must be caerphilly removed from every corner of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Surely there’s potential for a compromise between those two emmental cases,” says Chippy Cheesie, president of Marche Noire’s biggest dairy firm. “Cheese is a promising sector of the Random Chaosian economy with huge potential for growth. It would be awful gouda you to spend a few tax chips to help build up a dairy industry from scratch. I’m sure Random Chaosians will appreciate having more of their food grown domestically, so the subsidy could even be popular.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, belligerent citizens shoot at passing clouds for 'violating their airspace'.

2021-05-09 16:00

Privacy Concerns Reaching New Heights

A man was arrested for shooting down a drone flown near his house. The drone had a camera attached and was allegedly ‘ogling his teenage daughter’. Citizens have demanded action over unmanned, publicly available spy drones.

  1. “Ain’t nobody got the right to spy on my kin!” shouts Parighosh Lincoln at a gun rights demonstration outside the capitol building. “It’s trespassing is what it is! If you can’t climb through my window and take pictures of my house, why should you be able to do it with a flying doohickey? It’s my god-given right to shoot down anything that violates my airspace, dagnabbit!”
  2. “Wait, what? What’s your beef with drones?” says Venus Scrooge while piloting a miniature helicopter up to your face. “It’s just a harmless way of having fun. This ‘spying’ stuff is the paranoid ranting of hillbillies looking for an excuse to shoot whatever they please. The government should just mind its own business and butt out of our hobbies.”
  3. “Why do we even allow unmanned aircraft in the first place?” says Charlotte Bannon, president of the Sunday Fliers, a local private pilot’s club. “It’s obvious that these drones cause nothing but trouble. Just require that any man-made objects flying overhead have a pilot. If they get a little too close with their cameras, we can try the pilots for trespassing.”
  4. “Obviously we can’t just let anyone run around with these things - that would be ludicrous!” sputters the Chief of Police of Cape Random Chaos. “However, these drones could certainly help my department find fugitives, carry out investigations, y’know, that sort of thing. Who knows, we could even check up on our citizens every now and again too. There’s probably loads of illegal things folks are up to because they think they won’t get caught.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, computers are widely considered to be the "devil magic of heathens".

2021-05-09 10:00

Log Us Back On

A crowd of nerds, bored of isolated consoles, demand that you reconnect Random Chaos to the Internet, so that they may once again explore a world of knowledge, view porn, play their favorite nation simulator, and watch some more porn.

  1. “A man can only do so much with a non-connected personal computer,” laments Gerald Castro, a pale, bespectacled nerd clutching his laptop. “I’m sick and tired of solitaire, word processing, and re-organizing my desktop icons. I need engagement! I need entertainment! I need to watch p— I mean... I craaave the knowledge the web gives me! Leader, give us back the Internet!”
  2. “Now wait just a damn minute,” scolds local librarian Ula Huffington while smacking you on the hand with a ruler. “This ban has done wonders for Random Chaos’s literacy rate. Kids are reading for enjoyment again. If you give them back the Internet, that all goes out the window. And for what? Lolcats? I implore you, for the sake of our children; invest in their education and keep the Internet out of Random Chaos.”
  3. “We already sent that evil series of tubes out of our glorious nation; now it’s that devil machine’s turn!” shouts Byron Phillips, a particularly troubled backwoods preacher. “Go all the way and ban computers completely! We must return to simpler times for the sake of our future! To heck with productivity, do this NOW!”
  4. “No! You mustn’t!” cries Harley Weatherhead, CEO of Maxcom Software. “If you reconnect Random Chaos or ban computers, our local software market will collapse! We simply cannot compete with the global market. We need to take their minds off of the Web. Now, the only reason these people are clamoring for the Web is because they’re bored with what a single PC can do. What we need to do is make it more FUN! If you subsidize local software companies, we’ll churn out top-notch, locally produced software that’ll make people forget all about the Internet.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Efficient Economies and the Top 10% for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the new Grand Inquisitor of Righteous Scientific Inquiry has ordered a surprising amount of hemlock.

2021-05-09 04:00

Are You There God Particle? It’s Me, Leader

After a scientific experiment involving a cat, a steel chamber and a vial of radioactive waste went disastrously wrong - and led to the death of the cat to boot - people have begun to question whether the nation’s pursuit of knowledge has caused it to lose touch with its humanity.

  1. “It’s time we got a grip on ourselves,” demands Dr. Ezra Schrödinger, clearing away flasks of hydrocyanic acid. “It’s bad enough that the cat was lost, but even worse, the entire east wing of the Maxford University building has been irradiated! That’ll set the Experimental Physics department back for decades. And all for what? To disprove an obscure theory of quantum mechanics. It’s high time we had a central authority to vet research to ensure its integrity... and well, since my department is out of action, I humbly volunteer.”
  2. “It’s time we got a grip on our goals,” insists Dr. Kim Milgram, affixing a set of electrodes on your secretary before handing you a large red button. “If we don’t ask ourselves the fundamental questions, then what do we amount to but apes scratching around in the dirt with sticks? We need more freedom - and funding, of course - to have a hope of advancing our knowledge. Now press the button, please.”
  3. “It’s time we got a grip on our souls,” begins noted astronomer Chip Newton while winding up his pocket watch. “I agree with the good Dr. Schrödinger that there needs to be a central authority. Not a man-made one, but rather divine. The noble study of science needs to be brought back to its holy roots. It’s about understanding His holy creation, not torturing small animals. Give the church full domain of our scientific pursuits so that we may bring our glorious nation back on the right side of the Lord.”
  4. “It’s time we realized there is nothing to grip,” stoically states an unwashed ascetic outside your window. “Scientific pursuits are just man’s ego trying to overcome the oneness of nature. Only when we succumb to mother nature and stop fighting her will we attain inner peace.” An apple falls on her head from the tree. She continues unfazed, “No more science. No more inquiries. No more questions. No more struggles.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, students cut up leftover chips during Arts and Crafts.

2021-05-08 22:30

Is Our Children Learning?

When a relatively minor official in your government vowed to increase the standard of education in Random Chaos, the press came knocking on your door to ask how this might actually be done.

  1. “It’s all a question of money,” says veteran teacher Venus Osborne. “If we really care about education, we’ll make it our number one priority. Boost the education budget, halve the student-teacher ratio, and make sure every teacher has a master’s degree in education. After all, the children are our future.”
  2. “As much as I’d like to have more money, it’s really a question of most of the faculty belonging to one of the most powerful unions in the whole of Random Chaos that stops this school from being great,” says Principal Charlotte Vasquez. “I can’t discover which teachers are good and reward them for their excellent work, nor fire the useless ones. Destroying teachers’ unions is perhaps the most important thing we could do.”
  3. “I think enforced specialization is the way to go,” says your defense minister, standing arm in arm with a bishop of a major religion and Random Chaos’s top CEO. “Specialization lets each focus on what they’re truly good at, and I’m sure that religious institutions, the military, and private companies would fork out a bit to train up the next generation, so we could save on taxes too.”
  4. “As we’ve proven in the past, the free market can manage this far better than the public sector,” says market-analyst Hayao Cooper. “Now, I’m not saying that the state shouldn’t help people go to school - far from it. Still, schools need greater freedom to maximize learnedness: to set their own tuition, salaries, curricula, etc. Give private schools a small government subsidy, and let the free market take its course. So what if a few poor kids drop out earlier? You can’t make omelettes without breaking a few eggs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mountains of VHS tapes of police actions are stacking up in the National Library.

2021-05-08 16:00

Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes?

A high profile case where a police officer used lethal force against a criminal suspect that he claimed “posed immediate danger” has the populace divided. Some claim he was defending himself in the line of duty, others that he was abusing his power. Lack of witness testimonies or evidence is making investigation difficult, and many are suggesting that the government should outfit all of its police force with camera equipment to record events as they transpire.

  1. “Cameras. Cameras would be good,” intones Patrol Officer and jungle war veteran Paris Levy, twitching nervously and scanning the skyline for rooftop snipers. She takes a moment to look a thousand yards into the distance. “People don’t know what we’ve seen. They don’t know what it’s like to wear this uniform, to be a target, to know that each patrol might be the last. I know war, and it’s war out there on the streets. If people could see what we have to deal with each day... they’d understand. Give me a camera, and I’ll show them what it’s like out there.”
  2. “Look, I’m not saying I don’t trust our fine police officers,” whispers transparency advocate Wolfgang Juvenal, carefully moving any weapons and sharp objects away from the tremulous police officer, “but cameras are needed not just to support police testimony but also to protect the public from police excesses. The only way they can serve that dual purpose is if the police don’t control the cameras. Have 24/7 cameras on every police vehicle, surveillance drones following cops on patrol, all the taped footage put into an open-access public archive. That way, we can keep an eye on those jackbooted th... uh... on our valued law enforcement officials.”
  3. “Bwaahh?!?” exclaims moustache-twirling driving-goggle-wearing charlatan Lysander Bakker, who was definitely not trying to tie your secretary to his toy train tracks. “Police with cameras? This is a breach of my civil liberties! What about privacy? Do we not have the inherent right to go about our daily, lawfully abiding lives without fearing these paparazzi pigs parading our precious picturesque moments to the putrid public as perfidious publications? Say no to copper cameras! Keep your eyes off my private business!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians can be condescending (which by the way means "showing an attitude of patronising superiority").

2021-05-08 10:00

Man of the People

Junior Culture Minister T'Challa Moore is thirty years your senior, but he’s always had a twinkle in his eye, a love of showmanship, and a certain lightness of step. It was therefore less surprising than it might have been when he declared that he had been approached to be a contestant in the hit reality TV show Celebrity Jungle Idol Dancing Factor. Mindful that his actions reflect on your government, he’s asking your permission to go ahead with this.

  1. “I see this as a great opportunity to get viewers interested in politics!” he says, adjusting the crotch of his sequinned leotard. “The viewing and voting public adore this show, and my going on there would be great for political engagement, great for government popularity and — I admit — great for the sales of my upcoming memoirs. It’s just a bit of fun... You wouldn’t begrudge me that, would you?”
  2. “No, no, and thrice no! Have we lost all sense of decorum?” asks Party Whip Yoko Swallows, trembling visibly at the thought of it all. “The mindless mob will mock us! This will undermine respect for the government and for your leadership! Frankly, this nation needs a better class of television programmes. Perhaps you could use tax incentives and subsidies to persuade the TV stations to stop running this lowbrow trash, and instead have an uplifting schedule of operettas, ballets, educational documentaries and the like? We’d be a culturally and mentally richer nation for it.”
  3. “We absolutely should let my honourable colleague make a fool of himself,” says Daenerys Carr, your Minister of Spin. “In fact, we should make a point of directing our politicians to feature in mindless lowbrow drivel like this as often as possible. When the masses are laughing at us they won’t notice as we tighten our grip on the country. Laughter breeds complacency, and complacency opens the door to control.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's widely agreed that to tennis players love means nothing.

2021-05-08 04:00

Match Made in Heaven?

Beautiful, blonde, and bisexual, the 25-year-old tennis player Archibald Pournikova is perhaps better known for his modelling work and stunning smile than for the speed of his serves. In a recent TV interview, he was asked who his ideal lover would be. To your surprise, he named you, Leader.

  1. “Publicity seeking pervert!” yells TV evangelist Dickens Manhole. “Uh... Archibald, that is, not you, dear leader! Righteousness compels you to denounce him, to denounce his sinful promiscuity, his bisexual deviance, and his depraved sexual past!”
  2. “If you’re game for a match, you could be set for a serious popularity boost,” suggests Erica Shatner, the grinning chat show host who conducted the now notorious interview. “Doesn’t matter if he’s your preferred type, or what your availability is, or even what your gender preference is - the name of the game here is playing to the crowd. Let’s do a televised one-on-one with some spin and we’ll make you both look smashing!”
  3. “Oh he is my favourite! I’d love to show him MY Gran Willy,” says Quentin, your lewd elderly uncle, wiping the steam from his spectacle lenses. “Sure, he’s just courting publicity, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take the break. Give him a front page picture with you at a movie premiere, and in return he can make a racket with you down the line. Hey, it’s the world’s oldest profession!”
  4. “This exhibition is distracting from serious politics,” complains Palutena Green, your grey-suited Minister of Revenues. “Just laugh off the whole thing as a joke, and use the camera time to talk about important issues, like your proposition to reallocate roles from the Working Tax Auditors to the Association of Tax Pre-assessment. After all, things like insurance breaks, junior exempts and pre-qualifiers are what interests the population, not yawn-worthy old tennis.”
  5. “Okay, so the media, the public and everyone else is labelling him a publicity-hound and saying this is all about exposure,” observes gossip columnist Winchester Mullins from Not Bad Magazine, “but don’t you want to consider the possibility that he’s for real? Why not take him seriously, and woo him sincerely? You never know, this might be the start of something really beautiful!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, escargots have lost their charm ever since they started to be called 'cooked land snails'.

2021-05-07 22:00

Can I Borrow a Word?

A group of disgruntled language connoisseurs are complaining that loan-words from the Galliennais language are ‘contaminating the native tongue of Random Chaos’. They are calling for a government sponsored language purification project, robbing you of your joie de vivre as you try to relax and enjoy your pamplemousse cocktail.

  1. “This is a disgrace!” exclaims Harold Hastings, a linguist from Random Chaos City University, slamming the latest edition of the Maxford Random Chaosian Dictionary on your desk. “These nasty Galliennais words – full of nasal sounds – have started to invade our glorious language. We should immediately launch this project in order to replace these hideous loan-words with their pristine Random Chaosian counterparts. My colleagues and I already have some suggestions on the table: ‘eggy flapjacks’ for ‘omelette’, and how about ‘hey-I’ve-seen-this-before’ for ‘déjà vu’? All we need to publish a comprehensive list is a generous subsidy on your part.”
  2. “Oh mon dieu, but this approach will not work, as it doesn’t target the raison d’être for Galliennais loan-words,” enunciates William Norman, an enthusiastic Galliennais Literature professor from Cambarry University, with visible ennui. “The Galliennais culture is superior to ours, and so is their langue, par conséquent we need Galliennais words to express high-brow concepts such as rapprochement, savoir-faire, and je ne sais quoi. The importation of Galliennais words is fait accompli, and trying to reverse this will only be a faux pas. Let us embrace and teach to all Galliennais words and linguistic diversity: vive la différence!”
  3. “Bah, humbug!” grunts bellicose General Grant, while angrily smashing a Galliennais Merlot bottle on the floor. “We don’t have to tolerate this nonsense; let’s bomb Galliennes into the ground and colonize them. Then they’ll learn our language soon enough!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation has always been at war with Bigtopia.

2021-05-07 16:00

It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! No, It’s... Oh, It Was a Plane

A military courier, Gruffydd Mozart, rushes into your office in a panic, “Leader, there’s been a terrible tragedy! We mistook a civilian aircraft for an attack bomber and launched an anti-aircraft missile at it. There are no survivors. What should we do?”

  1. “Blame the Bigtopians!” shouts Lucy Takei, your most jingoistic advisor. “No one can really prove it was us. Pin it on our foes and prove to the world how monstrous they are. It’s the perfect excuse to double-down on our military investments. How else can we possibly defend ourselves against such amoral villains?”
  2. “What did you expect to happen?” says Sange Case, leader of Random Chaosians Against Arms. “You can hardly walk down the street without seeing a soldier on their front-porch polishing a surface-to-air missile. With all of these weapons in the government’s hands, of course accidents are going to happen. The only way to prevent an awful war is to openly admit our mistake and massively cut back on the number of weapons in circulation. That will keep this tragedy from ever happening again.”
  3. “How do we even know it was a civilian aircraft?” insinuates Chief Spy L———. “We could just quietly let the word out that it was actually a secret military aircraft sent in by the Bigtopians to spy on us, and no one could blame us for shooting it down. Clearly the numerous schoolchildren and nuns were just clever disguises meant to fool us.”
  4. “Deny, deny, deny,” explains Amir Huffington, Deputy Minister of Information. “We didn’t shoot down a plane because there was no plane. There are no corpses because no one was on the plane - which didn’t exist anyway. Anyone who says otherwise is clearly just slandering the Glorious Free Land of Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government raises tariffs on a weekly basis.

2021-05-07 10:00

Made in Maxtopia

When ultra-cheap underwear imports from Maxtopia drove a local factory into bankruptcy, the newly unemployed factory workers surrounded you during a press conference to demand you protect local manufacturing by any means necessary.

  1. “Save our jobs!” begs a recently unemployed worker, Jill Head, who seems to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. “I put years of my own sweat into that factory textile job, figuratively and literally. It’s the only work I know. Please, Leader, implement tariffs or subsidies to keep alive the domestic clothing industry. Otherwise we’ll be thrown out on our asses, forced to buy shoddy Maxtopian undergarments.”
  2. “We have the freedom to know what we are buying!” exclaims an unusually patriotic consumer advocate, while barging into the crowd of workers and ferociously waving a Random Chaosian flag. “When I buy me a new pair of underpants, I wanna see that ‘Made in Random Chaos’ tag to let me know I am getting the best of all possible underpants. Absolutely everything for sale should say where it came from. That way we’ll know to buy local, and this problem will probably fix itself.”
  3. “Why have Maxtopian imports at all?” rhetorically asks Niles Palpatine, who runs the local store where you used the toilet without buying anything the other day. “Or, for that matter, from anywhere? We’ve been dependent on foreign imports for way too long. Random Chaos needs to strive to be an economically and ecologically self-sufficient nation, where everything is made by our fellow citizens. Other countries might be able to make things cheaper, but no one works with as much pride as us Random Chaosians!”
  4. “Wait!” interrupts Tabitha Vega, the owner of Random Chaos’s largest department store, Humongo-Mart. “Okay, sure, maybe ‘Made in Maxtopia’ means slightly lower quality, but Maxtopian manufacturing is so very cheap! Sure, I had to replace my Maxtopian toaster three times last year because of a few teeny-tiny explosions, but that still cost me less than buying one locally manufactured toaster! Have some common sense, Leader, and allow free trade.”
  5. “There’s an easier way to appease the masses,” whispers your Minister of Foreign Trade, Björk Coulson, while handing you the latest briefs. “Let’s keep importing things from other nations, but we can pretend that everything was made in Random Chaos. Put flag stickers on every conceivable product, tell the people that we’re self-sufficient, and beef up the security at all ports. Then bam: the customers are happy, the department stores are happy, and our economy can keep importing essential resources. And of course anyone that mentions our hypocrisy aloud will be... punished.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there are fifty shades of yellow in outdoor swimming pools.

2021-05-07 04:00

The Call of Nature

Random Chaos has become the laughing stock of the world after The Smalltopian Sentinel published an article on the public urination problem in Random Chaos City. This article cited the Smalltopian ambassador, who complained about the sordid stench outside the embassy building. Distraught at the international humiliation, your aides have come to you with a shower of suggestions.

  1. “They’re calling us the latrine of The Hatrackia!” yells Birgitta Woolf, your Minister of Foreign Affairs, holding a violet-scented wet wipe to her nose. “The worst thing is that those despicable Smalltopian tabloids aren’t even wrong: our people are marking their territory on every building wall, and there’s a golden river running alongside every city street. We need to institute punitive fines to deter public urination before our good reputation gets flushed down the toilet!”
  2. “Aren’t we... hic... aren’t we being a little... too uh... harsh here?” slurs Yuri Nator, a civil servant who you suspect may be breaking the laws against alcohol consumption, as he struggles with his zipper before finally giving up. “I mean, if I am taking a walk with my buddies after a guys’ night out and I’ve had too much... uh... barley water... then who can stop me from... shaking hands with an old friend? Besides, I betcha holding it in must be bad for your urine bladder or something. We should be allowed to let it all go whenever and wherever we want!” A look of relief crosses his face, as your office carpet gains a wet patch.
  3. “Hmm, I sniff a golden opportunity here!” exclaims Lizbeth Ardenne, your Minister of Aerosol Solutions and a part-time perfume producer. “It seems people are mainly disturbed by the all-pervasive smell of urine in Random Chaos City, but this could easily be remedied if we deodorized our streets! All we need to do is to install spray tanks filled with my signature fragrance Elizabeth No.5 on all garbage trucks, and they could just besprinkle the whole city with it while driving around in Random Chaos City. I assure you, our sweet-scented city will be the envy of The Hatrackia!”
  4. “This damn situation stinks to hell,” growls General Sam L. Jackson, slamming a knife point-first into a world map on your desk, skewering Smalltopia. “We can’t allow ourselves to be insulted by a goddamn pipsqueak nation like Smalltopia. I suggest we gather up the run-off from our city streets, and have our bombers dump the effluent over Smalltopia’s cities. And we shall rain down upon them with great vengeance and furious anger...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pilots always remember to send their doctors a Maxxmas card.

2021-05-06 22:00

Feeling Down

Tragedy struck when commercial airline pilot Penny Clarke deliberately crashed her airplane into a mountain, causing the death of the 416 passengers and 12 crew on board. Afterwards, a medical report was leaked to the press revealing that the pilot had been declared “unfit for work” and suicidal by her doctor, but had failed to report this information to her employer.

  1. “What happened was the doctor’s fault!” complains the pilot’s brother, who is also blaming shoddy construction work for the broken door he kicked open to enter your office. “Had that quack reported the diagnosis to the airline, my beloved sibling would still be alive, as would all those other people. Pilots should be obliged to undergo regular mental evaluations and if someone is deemed unstable, the doctor should be required to report this to the aviation authorities.”
  2. “Look, the solution doesn’t have to involve breaches of confidentiality and invasions of privacy,” suggests a rep from the Federation Union of Commercial United Pilots. “The problem is a different one. Pilots in this country are completely mistreated, with airlines working them too hard for adequate mental health. It’s no wonder that some of them get depressed, or burn out. Airlines should be made to pay better wages, to provide more sociable hours, and to grant more paid downtime between flights.”
  3. “Are you insane?” interjects Yoshi Jobrani, CEO of budget airline EasyBlues. “Do you have any idea how much that would cost us? Do you want to be the one who forces ticket prices up? This all happened because the pilot who crashed the damn plane locked the cockpit when her co-pilot stepped out for a few minutes. Just enact laws that keep both pilot and co-pilot in the cockpit at all times. Cuff them to their seats for the duration of the flight; that’ll stop them wandering.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children dream of becoming physicians and physicists.

2021-05-06 16:00

A Funeral for a Fiend?

Fyodor Tolkien, the controversial former head of the Random Chaosian military, suddenly died in his home last night. While he was beloved by many for his unapologetic patriotism and military service, he was loathed by others for his xenophobia and alleged war crimes. He is proving to be just as controversial in death as he was in life as you have been asked to honor him with a state funeral.

  1. “He was a hero and a true patriot!” exclaims Lauren Cho, the current head of Random Chaos’s military. “Of course he should be presented with a state funeral and full honors! In fact, we should declare a week of mourning and erect a statue of him in Random Chaosian Square. Damn the expense! Anyone who disagrees is a terrorist-sympathizing, Random Chaos-hating traitor!”
  2. “A funeral for a fascist and a fiend like Fyodor Tolkien? No way!” rebuffs civil rights activist Richard Janssen while spraying graffiti over an official bust of the deceased. “Is that the message we want to send to the rest of The Hatrackia? That we honor mass murderers and bigots? How about honoring the true heroes of Random Chaos, like those doctors who worked in cancer research, or scientists who discovered new elementary particles?”
  3. “Why bother with state funerals at all?” queries Abdullah Price, chairperson of the Angry Taxpayers Federation. “Talk about a perfectly good waste of our hard-earned money! Let the family of the deceased cover the cost of the funeral so the government can get back to more important things like lowering taxes and cutting government spending.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation has nearly as many history museums as Random Chaosians.

2021-05-06 10:00

Little Pizza History

Prominent restaurant chain Pop’s Eatery recently announced plans to tear down the historic Cash Mansion in Random Chaos City and replace it with a fast food restaurant. Disgusted by the impending destruction of a national landmark, two dozen history students have surrounded the site, delaying the building’s demolition and causing just enough ruckus to get your attention.

  1. “We cannot accept this blatant destruction of our culture!” cries a surprisingly agile social studies teacher, leaping into your office window after scaling the side of the capitol building. “It’s common knowledge that Douglas Cash was the leader of the revolutionaries that founded this country... or was he the inventor of that spinning doohickey? Either way, the Cash residence is a priceless piece of our national history. The government should protect the site as a national landmark... and put more funding towards historical education while you’re at it.”
  2. “Out with the old and in with the new!” opines Hiro Wiener, manager of Pop’s Eatery, while handing out free samples to everyone in sight. “These fried saltballs were invented right here in Random Chaos by one of my top chefs, and at least in my opinion, that’s some Random Chaosian culture worth celebrating. If you assign a few more cops to keep away the overeducated hooligans from my stores, then I could have a free hand to open Pop’s Eateries on every corner of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Why not have your cake and eat it too?” asks your underachieving Culture Minister, May Drake, while tucking into a tray of vol-au-vents taken from a recent gallery opening. “By which I mean have food AND culture at the same time. We should preserve these historical sites and allow - no, actually, make that REQUIRE - that they all have restaurants built within them. Imagine it: a roast on the spit in an old castle, tea and scones in noble palaces, all-you-can-eat-buffets in museums commemorating the Great Random Chaosian Famine. Now that’s what I call culture!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian Gladiators is a ratings success.

2021-05-06 04:00

Dogman Deconstructed

With the rising number of masked vigilantes dishing out two-fisted justice, the criminal underworld has responded in kind, with larger-than-life villains. After make-up wearing villain ‘The Giggler’ flooded a local high school with laughing gas, the public are asking you to take action.

  1. “Look, we’re not living in a comic book. This is real life, not a work of fiction,” reminds by-the-book police officer Hercules Mombota, leaning on one of the four walls of your office. “Let’s put a ban on wearing face-concealing masks in public. Put villains and vigilantes into the cells, and let the police handle law and order. We can’t allow Random Chaos to descend into mob rule from Random Chaosians taking the law into their own hands.”
  2. “Compulsory registration,” suggests your surprisingly hip Justice Minister, without looking up from reading The Killing Bone, an unofficial Dogman tie-in comic. “We need all the help we can get to deal with these maniacs. Let the vigilantes do what they do, but require them to be registered and identified. Anyone who wears a mask and doesn’t register can be assumed to be a villain, and must be met with zero tolerance.”
  3. “The police can’t handle this,” growls Dogman, the nation’s first vigilante, who suddenly appears out of nowhere. “Step back, Leader. I can deal with Giggler, because I understand how he thinks. Let the vigilantes handle the villains. This is our calling. This is our war.” Then, as you turn your back to him for no good reason, he disappears with a puff of smoke.
  4. “I agree with the spandex-wearing Dogman,” chimes in the overly patriotic supersoldier turned superhero Captain Random Chaos, dressed in a costume resembling the national flag. “You call us vigilantes - the people call us heroes. They trust us far more than the police. The police have become far too corrupt and powerful in this country. That’s not what I signed up for. Why not disband the police and allow us heroes to take the villains and the criminals? Sure, some of us might go a bit overboard like that fellow in the iron suit, but we’re always there to protect the little guy.”
  5. “This is about ego,” observes armchair psychologist Mary Summers, while smoking a fine Maxtopian cigar. “It’s also about superego and id... but mostly just egotism. Give these exhibitionists an outlet for their vanity. Televised arena bouts, celebrity status, and official merchandise are that outlet. They’ll be promoting their careers rather than fighting on the streets, and as an added bonus, heroes and villains in the public eye are pretty easy for government to monitor.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military has adopted a weird double-fisted salute.

2021-05-05 22:00

This Lady’s Not for Turning

Maggie Starkers — renowned multimillionaire, genius weapons designer and party-loving socialite — has always been somewhat eccentric and free-spirited. At a press conference this week, she revealed that she was the creator and pilot of a cutting edge flying exo-skeleton weapons system she calls ‘the Iron Lady’. The military are keen to get their hands on this technology, but she doesn’t want to share.

  1. “It’s mine and you can’t have it!” asserts Ms. Starkers, taking a swig from a bottle of milk and standing proudly before a coiled-rattlesnake flag. “I built this near-indestructible nuclear-powered mobile firepower war machine, and I reserve the right to fly it around the city centre, blowing up criminals and people who I think are bad guys! You can’t take away my stuff! I’ll only sell it if I choose, when I choose and to who I choose, and frankly, I don’t trust the state to be handling ordnance this powerful.”
  2. “Look, we need these weapons. If Maggie’s not selling then we really don’t have much choice,” says Air Chief Marshal Uther Scargill. “Seize her designs, seize her assets, seize all her technology. She needs to be reminded that it’s the people who are in charge, and that the needs of society are greater than the desires of the individual.”
  3. “Let’s find a reasonable balance here,” negotiates civil servant Mandy Rin. “Failing to respect private property is wrong, but Ms. Starkers still has to observe aviation regulations, munition control laws, trading restrictions and the like. I suggest you tie her up in bureaucracy until she agrees to strike a fair deal with us.”
  4. “Maybe there’s a better way to make this work,” suggests eye-patch wearing spy Jules Windu, walking in dramatically five minutes after you thought the meeting was over, during what your younger staff call the ‘post credits debriefing’. “How about you let me build a special operative team — we’ll call it the Vengeance Justice Initiative. The Iron Lady, Dogman, Superhulk, Ex-Husband-of-Colour and all the other special people with special talents... we’ll call them to assemble when we need them, and let them get on with their lives the rest of the time. Oh, and I’ll need a helicarrier. Don’t ask why, just get me one.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, big game hunters travel to Random Chaos to try their hand at shark-shooting.

2021-05-05 16:00

The Jaws of a Dilemma

After a series of fatal attacks by gambler sharks on swimmers during prime vacation time, a debate has arisen over how to respond to the finned danger.

  1. “My sister was seriously hurt in one of the attacks,” says Lucina O'Leary, waving a surfboard with a large chunk bitten out. “Okay, while that isn’t the worst possible outcome, these gambler sharks are here and are very hungry. We need to properly protect the beaches from them. Guard boats! Shark watchers! Sonic deterrents! It might be expensive, but it’s better than serving us up as a smorgasbord, right?”
  2. “Oh, no, no, we can’t have any of this,” pleads local Mayor Samde Vaughn, pulling at your sleeve for attention. “If you so much as mention the s-word, we’ll have panic on our hands at peak holiday season, and cancellations coming out of our ear-holes! We’re a summer town, and we need summer chips. Tell them it was a boat accident, that it’s a beautiful day and that the beaches are open. Then talk about something else - anything - to distract their attention, and remind them why Random Chaos is The Hatrackia’s number one tourist destination!”
  3. “It’s not the gambler SHARKS that are the problem,” pointedly declares Allen Cole, causing the Mayor to wince. “It’s the people! The government should protect the sharks from the beach-goers and industries that steal their food and habitat, forcing them to come closer to humans. The sharks were there first! Just put ‘No Swimming’ signs along the beach.”
  4. “These gambler sharks offer us an opportunity,” says Elizabeth Kasher, your Minister of Tourism, poring over plans for oceanfront tourism development. “Think about it. How much are people willing to pay to see sharks up close? It’ll surely attract tons of new visitors to our beaches and aquariums, and we could make a fortune from cage diving. Sure, some people might get chowed upon, but it’s for the experience, you know?”
  5. “Seems like you got a shark problem on your hands,” nonchalantly mutters Quant, a rugged fisherman and captain of the Okra, caressing a harpoon gun. “I’ve been fishing on the Random Chaosian Bay since before I could walk, I served on the S.S. Random Chaos City that sunk. I’ve seen these sharks up close; they’ve got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. I’ll take care of your shark problem, so long as I get paid handsomely. But I’ll need a bigger boat.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the term cold case has taken on a very literal meaning.

2021-05-05 10:00

Damned Cold

Through a complex and unorthodox set of theological deductions, respected community faith leader Sebastian Nimoy decided that the local cryonics facility was a work of intrinsic evil. Late one night, he broke in and took a sledge hammer to ten cryogenically frozen brains. He didn’t try to evade or resist arrest, and is now honestly surprised people think he has done anything wrong. The question is, what exactly is his crime?

  1. “Those who had their brains frozen were working on the assumption that they might one day in the future be resurrected, something which experts say is a virtual statistical certainty, given enough time,” explains cryonics facility director Sophie Trudeau, whose ruthless business dealings have earned her the nickname ‘Captain Cold’. “Now, they’ve been denied that. That makes this crime ten counts of murder. Hopefully, nice strict sentencing here will teach people not to mess with our corporate holdings in the future.”
  2. “Whoa, whoa! Playing piñata with some dead frozen brain popsicles is not the same as spilling the sloppy red stuff of a living person!” asserts tactless journalist Elsa Clark. “I’m not saying we should just let it go, but this wasn’t murder. It was a crime of forced entry, damage to corporate property and desecration of human remains. Perhaps we should exercise some leniency seeing how this was, in fact, a political protest.”
  3. “Actually... there may have been a solid basis for what this protester was saying,” ponders theologian Jadis Queen, poring over some apocryphal texts of her faith. “To be on the safe side, we should shut down all cryonics facilities. After all, our immortal souls may be at risk here.”
  4. “Not sure if this is a criminal matter or just some religious lunatic with a hammer,” comments pizza delivery boy Namkha Fry, handing you your pizza. “The guy was clearly nuts either way. Sounds to me like a mental health problem. He needs a psychiatrist, not a prison cell.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, anti-government political posters adorn every building like wallpaper.

2021-05-05 04:00

Secret Police in Random Chaos?

Anarchists have been covertly putting up anti-government posters all over Random Chaos. Some of your closest advisors have suggested the implementation of a secret police force to deal with the more... difficult members of society.

  1. “Sometimes a government has got to deal with something without having to go through the ‘proper channels’,” says ‘Chloe’, who does not exist within any government records. “It happens sometimes and we have to deal with it. It’s not just anarchists either - it’s the terrorists, the criminals, the traitors, and the goddamn hippies. With a secret police we can arrest the troublemakers and torture them to find other dissenters without having to worry about fiddly matters like human rights.”
  2. “Don’t listen to that idiot!” whispers Hermes Norris, one of your more guilt-ridden henchpersons. “I don’t know how you feel about this but I think this would be a bad path for our government to go down. Random Chaos shouldn’t resort to deceit and off-the-record brutality to put away people. A secret police force would ruin our fine nation. It’s time our government was candid with its people and let them say what they want!”
  3. “Or how about we be candid AND have a secret police force,” says Mary Trump, your head spy from behind a newspaper with eyeholes cut out. “We could just reassign all the normal police into secret police. The beauty of it is that we won’t have to bother solving crimes if it doesn’t benefit the government! It’s what we’ve always wanted! Not what the people want of course, but if they complain we can just make them... disappear.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, grannies with arthritic hands work miserably on factory production lines.

2021-05-04 22:00

The Old Grey Matter

When newspaper The Random Chaos City Herald referred to over 65s as “society’s growing burden” and as “unproductive leeches”, there was outrage amongst the eldest generation. Looking to prove them wrong, a number of them have ganged together to create the Violet Hat Society - a gathering of retirees who are volunteering to contribute to the greater good. They’ve asked you how they can help serve Random Chaos.

  1. “I think we’ve got a lot to teach the younger generation,” says Violet Hat founder Cleveland Tate, putting the finishing touches to an impressive watercolour landscape. “Perhaps we could set up an official Advice Service, to pass the wisdom of a life of experience on to the younger generation?”
  2. “Personally, I’ve always wanted to see Brancaland,” hints society member Indira Chatwin, packing a beige floral-print trolley-suitcase. “If the government could see its way to subsidising travel for the elderly, we could spread across the world and sing the praises of our homeland. It’d be good for the Free Land’s international image, and good for my tan. Win-win, right?”
  3. “If they really want to help, how about running some childcare for my rugrats?” asks working single dad Sean Hyde, as he forks over 100 chips to a gum-chewing young lady that you presume must be his babysitter. “It’d mean people like me could get to work, and maybe even engage in... uh... social activities.” He gives a quick guilty glance at the high-heel wearing girl as she leaves.
  4. “Aren’t they lovely, these old gents and biddies?” asks thirty-year old Sonequa Pond, unaware how condescending this sounds. “No, no, we don’t need them to do anything! They’ve worked away and now they must retire and enjoy the sunshine. They can leave running the country to the young and healthy, while they go play bingo or work their allotments, or whatever it is that crusty old people like to do. Get these Purple Cap People - or whatever they call themselves - to form a working committee where they can debate with each other and keep out of everyone else’s way, then make a policy of ignoring whatever they come up with.”
  5. “If they’re healthy and capable, shouldn’t they be in the workplace?” asks tax-paying twenty-something Ayla Wessex. “Let’s do away with the idea of pensions and retirement, then they can keep contributing economically instead of spending their time pottering about, interfering with everything and asking their grand-kids when they’re going to settle down and stop traveling. Or something.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, schoolyard sandboxes resemble ashtrays due to the large number of cigarette butts.

2021-05-04 17:00

Hey Kid, Have a Cigar

One of Random Chaos’s leading tobacco companies, Maxboro, has produced an advertisement depicting children frolicking in a playground while smoking cigars and cigarettes. Predictably, a truckload of angry letters has been dropped on your desk, from angry parents and moralising busy-bodies.

  1. “This is truly odious!” screeches Jessica McDuck, your Secretary of Political Correctness, as she tries to cover her child’s eyes and ears. “Tobacco companies cannot be allowed to market their death-sticks to our children! Our poor vulnerable youngsters could get hooked, and become chain-smokers before they finish primary school! Advertising dangerous products to children must be banned!”
  2. “Oh, Boo-hoo!” mocks M.B. Winston, CEO of Maxboro, while smoking a SpongeBarry SquareShirt themed cigarette. “Those ads are cute and funny! Kids should be allowed to make up their own minds about our exquisitely smooth leaf blends and candy-flavoured filters! Market restrictions are un-Random Chaosian. We should be able to sell our product to anyone who can afford to buy it, no matter how old they are!”
  3. “I have a reasonable third option!” interrupts passing minister Bianca Spirit, right around the time someone normally interjects with a crazy third option. “Let tobacco companies operate freely, but have them do social good equal to the social harm, according to a fair assessment of externalities. Like, if they advertise to children, then they have to build a kids clinic or a litter picking program, that sort of thing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is a silent spring in Random Chaos.

2021-05-04 10:30

Songbirds’ Decline Ruffles Feathers

Biologists and birding enthusiasts alike are squawking over the recent yearly declines in the numbers of many migratory songbird species, particularly the Random Chaosian Breegull. After some study, the unifying factor in the species experiencing decline is that their migratory paths take them over Tasmania. Coincidentally, Tasmania is known to consider migratory songbirds a delicacy. Your cabinet has convened to discuss the matter.

  1. “Those Tasmanians must be taught a lesson!” screeches Yasuyuki Wonka, your hawkish Minister of Defense, who has never found a war he didn’t like. “If Tasmania’s utter contempt for environmental stewardship, and our nation’s well-known love of bats...” He pauses as an aide taps him on the shoulder and whispers in his ear. He continues: “...and our nation’s well-known love of songbirds doesn’t convince you, what will? Perhaps military jets escorting the precious butterflies through Tasmania might work. If someone tries to so much as lay a hand on one of those flying fish, then we’ll bomb ‘em back to the stone age!”
  2. “I’d like to suggest another approach,” coos Chris Dylan, your more dovish Environment Minister. “Clearly we value songbirds alive and uneaten, and Tasmania does not. We just need to make Tasmania value songbirds as much as we do. What if we estimated the relevant migratory songbird population each year and paid Tasmania a small amount of chips for each migratory bird that makes it here? Peaceful and fair.”
  3. “How about none of that?” clucks Holly Longbottom, your eagle-eyed Finance Minister, while poring over a report on government revenue collected through coins tossed in wishing fountains. “We can’t keep frivolously throwing our citizens’ hard-earned tax chips at every little problem. They’re just some dumb birds - let’s just leave the government out of things for once! In fact, with less songbirds we can surely cut back our budget for parks a bit?”
  4. “What if we trained the birds to stop migrating?” warbles the somewhat unhinged bird fancier known as ‘The Bird Lady’, seen wearing a giant bird costume, and whose number you’ve been meaning to give to ‘Doctor Bees’. “I love it here, and migratory songbirds should too! All we have to do is get baby birds to imprint on government handlers, and then teach the birds to fly around Random Chaos in circles. Then we’ll be able to keep them to ourselves, protect them, and give the birds the love they need all year round. It’ll be a lark!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, vital intelligence-gathering activities are put on hold as agents return home for seduction training and advanced poker instruction.

2021-05-04 04:00

Nobody Does It Better?

After two Random Chaosian agents operating in Blackacre were compromised and forced to flee the country, a private military corporation known as the Webber Group has approached you about taking over the nation’s intelligence-gathering activities.

  1. “Leader, my operatives are perfect for this type of work,” declares Webber Group CEO Jared Looney, flanked by two burly bodyguards. “Many of them have received military training prior to joining our company, so they’re well versed in espionage, counter-intelligence, and assassina... um... proactive regime change strategies. If they’re caught, you can deny any knowledge of them. Together, we can revitalize the foreign intelligence apparatus of Random Chaos... for a small fee, of course.”
  2. “Are we really going to put the safety of our nation in the hands of this... thug?” questions secret agent James Bont, while drinking a martini. “What the Webber Group fails to tell you is that many of their operatives were dishonorably discharged. They’re violent, averse to authority, and unpredictable. Not to mention they’re only loyal to a paycheck. Leader, let me organize a training program for our less-experienced spies so they never get caught again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government spending has hit an all-time low.

2021-05-03 22:00

High-Speed Monorail Service Promises Connections

Vroom-A-Zoom-Zoom (VAZZ), a consortium of weird-looking hippies and yuppie roller coaster aficionados, has developed plans for a high-speed monorail service for Random Chaos to help counter and relieve problems brought about by banning cars.

  1. “This is great,” says Moana Haynes, devout anti-spending advocate. “You know what’ll happen? The government will invest huge sums of money in a service no one will use. I suggest nipping it in the bud... and cutting back government spending across the board while you’re at it.”
  2. “I disagree,” says Tobias Oz of Vroom-A-Zoom-Zoom Ltd. “If people are worried about the costs, why not let the monorail service be a private company? That way, it will have to compete with other industries and make a profit. And don’t forget that’ll bring in more tax revenue. Of course, that would make fares too pricey for a lot of people, but the rich would probably use it a lot!”
  3. “I really disagree,” says Boromir Vasquez, an unwashed denizen standing in the middle of Noh Weir, population 200, on the outskirts of Random Chaos. “The state must run the monorail service, otherwise it’s useless. What a monorail system should do is connect both large and small cities, and the only way to do that is for the government to run the rails, using the profits from the larger cities to subsidize the routes for smaller ones.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military is plagued with unethical researchers.

2021-05-03 16:00

An Acquired Taste

Public health officials across Random Chaos are demanding a restriction on bushmeat consumption, asserting that handling and eating bushmeat can transfer new and deadly diseases from animals to humans. These officials cite VODAIS, ebola and coronavirus as examples of diseases that were originally contracted by humans after eating bushmeat. You have arrived in the jungles of southern Random Chaos to assess the nation’s bushmeat market.

  1. “This is how a pandemic starts,” declares Dr. Marleen Reid, her arm extended at the scene before you. “You see here stalls selling bushmeat from the jungle, some scavenged from already-dead carcasses. Wild animals are pathogen factories; we shouldn’t be ingesting their flesh. Look at that butcher’s floor, covered in monkey blood! VODAIS started with cross-species viral transmission, and this is how the next killer will start too. Good public health practice demands that you should restrict the sale and consumption of meat from non-farmed animals.”
  2. “Stop stirring the pot,” jeers Solomon Xiaoping, a bushmeat vendor, chewing on a grilled bat wing. “This fearmongering kills business and keeps us poor and starving. You scientists have heads full of ideas, but we need full bellies! We cannot survive without bushmeat, and it is part of our culture! Besides, people only get sick because they’re not used to how rich and delicious it tastes. If the government really wants to help you should supply us with meat lockers, soap, hunting equipment and logistics assistance to help us bring the meats to market.”
  3. “Let them eat ape!” declares military strategist Mary Antwunnet. “This place is a breeding ground for new deadly diseases. Under the guise of altruism, we could set up a center here to monitor and research new viruses. We could pretend to be helping the villagers while secretly weaponizing our findings. We’ll be at the top of the world’s food chain when we’re done.”
  4. “We can’t really force our way of living on these peoples,” states your Minister for Creative Solutions. “It’s not them that’s the problem; it’s our involvement in their society spreading potentially infected meat. Let’s leave them alone. We’ll remove all trace of our civilization — hospitals, medical facilities and so on and declare it a nature reserve, with only the locals being allowed to live here. With a strict quarantine for anyone coming in or out, there’s no chance of a virus beyond their villages.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, urban entrepreneurs are busy introducing cockroaches into restaurant kitchens.

2021-05-03 10:30

Bugging Out on Beef

A school in Random Chaos recently made headlines for farming crickets, mealworms and other invertebrates for consumption in the cafeteria. As the surprisingly professional and detailed science project write-up cited relatively low levels of greenhouse gas production involved compared to traditional pastoral farming, environmental activists are agitating the national government for action.

  1. “You know, if you all were a little more open-minded to chomping down on critters, we’d be better off. Once you get over the fear factor you’ll start pounding these babies down your esophagus by the handful,” says Can You Eat It? contestant and professional snowboarder Chepal Sparkle. “They’re super efficient at converting plant feed to protein and, like, way better for the environment! We should stick some funds into farming and slap some regulations on Big Cow and Big Chicken!”
  2. “Insects? On my dinner plate?” squirms health inspector Hermione Brewer, consulting a thick tome. “Well, there isn’t any legislation as such that bans the eating of insects, but if we’re going to start farming these critters then we’re going to do it by the book. It has to be humane and hygienic, with proper documentation of all livestock, a chain of providence from field to slaughterhouse for each individual, and mandated minimum living space.”
  3. “Are you kiddin’ me? I’d rather eat cow dung than pop one of ‘em nasty crickers in my mouth,” worriedly proclaims foodstuff trucker Martin Harrison. “I’ll stick to eatin’ thick, juicy...stea...” he trails off at the sight of a roadside cafe. “Anyway, in this country we don’t eat that trash - we have standards. Stick to pumpin’ out cows, chickens, and all those glorious mammalian meat-sacs of the Earth for Random Chaosian barbecue. Hell, let’s raise more!”
  4. “He is right, but chooses the path of the gluttonous and unclean,” intones Shelia Octavian, sporting bright yellow robes and a sunflower headdress. “Vermin are forbidden by our holy verses for mortal consumption as they are agents of pestilence and disease. Consuming the flesh of animals of the land and sea is also forbidden as they are our fellow brethren. For the sake of our immortal souls, we must ban the consumption of animal flesh entirely.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Advanced Public Education.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, skateboarding is the only legal way to travel.

2021-05-03 04:00

Ban the ‘Boards, Say Pedestrians

The conservative Northern-based parents group of “Housewives and Convicts for a Safer Random Chaos” has put forward a memorandum to ban skateboarding in public.

  1. “Skateboarding is a menace to pedestrians and road users,” says activist Nosipho Collins. “Not to mention the astronomical number of skateboarding-related injuries - hundreds of children flood the emergency rooms of Random Chaos as a result of skateboarding every year, which is costly to the taxpayers. Keep our streets safe and save a little cash at the same time. Hell, you could make even more money by ticketing those who violate this law.”
  2. “Ticketing children for getting out of the house and exercising?” asks Wally Keating, a school teacher, in disbelief. “That’s outrageous! It’s true that skateboarding can be dangerous but so is walking down the stairs! You want to ban that too?! What we should do is pass laws requiring safety equipment for skaters - if we allocate a little bit of the tax payers’ money to the cause, we can build a skate park that will keep our children safe and away from others on the road too.”
  3. “Yo, dude, I’ve got a better idea,” says Charlemagne Rhee while executing a complicated 360° spin over your head. “What if skateboarding was the only way to get around? Wouldn’t that be cool? Skateboarding is cheap, healthy, and fun! Everyone should do it! You could improve, like, the quality of life for everyone by banning vehicles and making skateboarding the only legal way to travel. People’d love you for it, man. Well, apart from the guys who make cars and the like, I guess.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, songs in 4/4 time are simply too common for the musical cognoscenti.

2021-05-02 22:00

Rap Sheet

Notorious gangster-rapper Wally E was recently taken to court for the suspected murder of a policeman, but was found innocent due to lack of evidence. This surprised many, as one of his more popular raps (“I Killed A Cop And I Liked It”) contained a complete confession for the shooting within its lyrics.

  1. “How could we let this happen? I tell you, rap music is just sick minds preaching to a sick audience,” spits right-wing demagogue Faith Quayle, free-styling on stage with a microphone in front of a cheering crowd. “There has to be something wrong with you to enjoy its message of anarchistic hate. We’re talking about a recorded confession, flaunted in public. Rappers should be held to account for their hateful words, and their filth music should be admissible as court evidence.” With that, she drops the mic, and strides off to rapturous applause.
  2. “Woah woah woah, I mean... just cos I got, you know, artistic words shouldn’t mean you haters should hate me,” argues Wally E, reading from a prepared statement. “I mean, like, don’t hate freedom of artistic expression, or something? I don’t mean everything in my songs literally. We should be free, to like, artistically express. We are artists. Expressing ourselves. So don’t hate on me. Yeah.”
  3. “The problem here is that rap music is terrible trash, enjoyed only by the musical illiterati,” observes classical guitarist Kima Wolfe, strumming out a complex flamenco ligado. “Shouldn’t we pursue a bare minimum of artistic standards in our cultural output? Perhaps the government should create an official Music Standards Bureau to regulate what sort of material gets airplay and exposure. Frankly, we need a better class of music.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prison officers are bribed not to take bribes.

2021-05-02 16:00

The Life of Riley

A recent TV documentary revealed that some prisoners are living the high life while incarcerated. For those that can afford it, almost anything can be bought inside jails, including extended living space, state-of-the-art TVs, fridges, air-conditioning and even original works of art.

  1. “How long have prison governors been allowing these illegal transactions to take place?” rages Barbara Harris, Minister of Prisons, engaging in the time-honoured tradition of politicians not taking responsibility for their own departments. “Prison should be a punishment, not a holiday! We must crack down on everyone who has been abusing the system. Donate all their luxury goods to charity and transfer them back into the prison’s general population, where they can share a cell with ten other people. Any prison officer that is found to have colluded with these inmates should be fired immediately!”
  2. “The problem is the low wages of prison officers,” declares Warden Fred Obama, as he gives an inmate a sandalwood oil back massage. “Our meagre salaries mean that officers will do anything to supplement it. We have families to take care of, and bills to pay. How else could I have bought a second home if I hadn’t had had a little ‘help’ from the more affluent detainees? Increase our pay and I’m sure we’ll be inclined to conduct our duty much more professionally.”
  3. “Let’s not be hasty,” says Elsa vandeBerg, an ex-minister of yours who was jailed for corruption, speaking to you from her prison cell via a private video-link. “Is this really so bad? I have become accustomed to a certain level of living and there’s no fair reason why I should be denied the chance to spend my private wealth simply because of my incarceration. Besides, all this is good for the economy, isn’t it? Just make the whole arrangement legal and official, and whole new retail markets will open up.” She turns to an officer standing behind her. “Officer, could you be a darling and get me a new mahogany dresser? Here’s a bundle of cash, buy your lady a new dress while you’re out!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, common misteaks slip threw as the Issues Editing Team adds issues by the hundread (Random Chaos has found 2 easter eggs).

2021-05-02 10:00

Easter Egg: Please, Sir, We Want Some More Issues

With the same old dilemmas confronting Random Chaos time and time again, people are demanding to know why there aren’t more genuinely new issues.

  1. “Well, that’s because they’re all twaddle,” says [violet] matter-of-factly while twirling a lighter in her hands. “I’m sick and tired of reading that garbage. I’ve decided to scrap the player-submitted system — but don’t tell anyone that. The endless waves of hate mail would overwhelm the server.”
  2. “The aim of this site is to promote my novel, not the writing talents of literary wannabes,” scoffs Max Barry while sipping an iced-Margarita on a yacht in the South Pacific. “I’ve ordered the mods to only approve mediocre issues to ensure that no one discovers there are better writers out there than me.”
  3. “I’ve been combing through the queue, carefully examining each draft and determining its potential,” sighs Sedgistan who is sitting next to an orderly stack of drafts stamped ‘no way in hell’. “I’m confronted with thousands upon thousands of issues. I have to manage multiple editors and somehow still place in the Mod Olympics. Do you have any idea how much stress that puts on me? That’s why it takes so long. Stop breathing down my neck. If you want to be useful, go help out the newbies in Got Issues.”
  4. “Huh? What’s that?” says Sanctaria absentmindedly, looking up from an intimidating series of flow charts. “More issues? Well, it’s your lucky day! I’m working on my next great chain. It will dwarf my last one in size and complexity. Forget everything you know about issues, every rule you think we can’t break, because this chain is going to break them all.”
  5. “I couldn’t agree with this more!” yelps Comrade Lenyo, his arms full of drafts. “We’ve received over 6,000 submissions! If we just got rid of the delete button, that’d be over 6,000 more issues. Who doesn’t want that? Why are we still wasting time talking about this? Why are you reading this instead of submitting more drafts for us to add? EVERY. SECOND. COUNTS!”
  6. The deafening Voice of Mod booms down from the heavens, “You will receive new issues when you receive new issues. Your questioning is undermining the authority of the mods. I’ve deleted enough nations to know flaming when I read it. You have been warned.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader's luxurious new home has been designated as a protected cultural heritage site.

2021-05-02 04:00

Making a House a Home

After the street outside your personal residence proved incapable of handling a diplomatic motorcade and Random Chaos’s biggest house party at the same time, your Foreign Minister has suggested that the state procure and maintain an official residence for you to live in.

  1. “It is absolutely essential that you have a home away from home,” insists your Foreign Minister, pointing excitedly at an interior design magazine from before you were born. “Imagine if the ambassador had been run over by that party bus! An official residence would keep you and your honoured guests safe from the hooligans, the thugs, and the public. In fact, we can turn the residence into a Museum of Random Chaos’s History, with a veritable cornucopia of cultural artifacts on display. It would be a perfect reconstruction of our glory days and as an added bonus, the police can keep the kids off your lawn.”
  2. “Oh, please. I’m all for keeping government out of the bedroom, and that counts doubly for yours,” snarls libertarian and small-government proponent, Agatha Gambler, who gets worked up if the government so much as fixes a pothole. “You can drive, or take a cab, or hire a personal bus at your own cost. A house shouldn’t be any different. Since when should the taxpayers be asked to foot the bill when half of us don’t even like you? If you want to be taken seriously, go and rent an apartment in Random Chaos City with a couple of roommates. Leave us taxpayers out of it, okay?”
  3. “I’m with the anarchist, I want no part in building your ivory tower!” declares decentralization activist, Matt Flanders, founder of several, competing local governance associations. “What you need is to really get out there and see all that Random Chaos has to offer. You need an official, open, and accessible residence. Why not get yourself a mobile home and tour it around the country, town by town, like a rock star? You aren’t too good to talk to us commoners, you know - if anything, it’s the other way around!” He spits on your desk and turns his back on you.
  4. “Don’t listen to that traitorous anarchist!” pipes up your lazy, entitled niece who just woke up from a nap on your couch. “Of course you need a personal residence, for you and your family! Imagine a grand castle, complete with servants, a hedge maze, and massive golden statues of yourself! Your home would be the envy of leaders across The Hatrackia, and anybody who complains can be thrown in the dungeons for our amusement. Just bulldoze a forest somewhere and start construction NOW!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the standard government reply to any query is "there is no spoon".

2021-05-01 22:00

It’s Not Lying, It’s Post-Truth

When a senior government official was caught on camera groping an intern, your press liaison downplayed the incident by calling it an “alternative handshake” at a subsequent press conference. While the case in question was settled swiftly and discreetly, members of the professional commentariat are engaging in a loud brawl over the government’s flexible approach to facts.

  1. “This is dangerous,” argues Ivanka Whitlam, a journalist at The Random Chaos City Post, struggling to cope with mixed feelings of moral outrage and giddy excitement. “Granted, politics has always been about playing the facts a bit, but now you’re not even trying to hide it. This deliberate distortion of truth is corrupting public discourse, and will surely undermine the very foundation of our society if not kept in check. Government must be bound by law to always speak the truth, and you should set up an independent public body tasked with enforcing the standards we deserve.”
  2. “Typical slave morality,” sniggers Mowgli Doe, dropout philosophy student and manager of operations at an alt-nazi meme factory. “Instead of mindlessly enforcing the ‘truth’ of weaklings and half-men, this is a perfect opportunity for an overhaul and bringing about the complete transvaluation of all values. The elevation of feebleness has been going on for too long; it’s about time you started making and enforcing your own truths!”
  3. “The notion of any ‘one’ truth is inherently oppressive,” states Jean-Paul Leotard, a postmodernist literary critic, mostly known for his colorful scarves. “Fact is, there are only our own personal interpretations, and the world is really only the resulting diversity of particular truths. You shouldn’t get to say what’s right or wrong! There’s your policy, Leader: quit shoving ‘objective’ dogma down our throats and let everyone believe what they want about stuff.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, court cases mostly involve lawyers shouting questions at witnesses giving silent shrugs.

2021-05-01 16:00

Silence in Court

Suspected gangster Falala Shiomi was recently called by the prosecution as a key witness in a high-profile murder case. However, once on the witness stand she refused to say a word, worried that her testimony might incriminate herself with regards to other unrelated crimes.

  1. “You can only incriminate yourself if you’ve done something wrong!” gruffly remarks prosecutor Jason ‘Obese Man’ McCabe, dragging his pet bulldog behind him. “If a witness is called to testify, they are obliged to do so, and to tell the whole truth no matter where that truth takes them. Failure to do so is contempt of court, and should in itself be subject to prosecution.”
  2. “It would be a serious injustice if the law allowed someone who, may I remind you, isn’t even on trial, to cut her throat with her own tongue,” rebuts defence lawyer Reese L. Woods, her pet chihuahua driving back McCabe’s canine with a flurry of yipping barks. “The privilege against self-incrimination should be one of the most fundamental rights under the Random Chaosian justice system and must not be abrogated under any circumstances.”
  3. “Who let these dogs out?” gravely asks Justice Bahamen, motioning for the court bailiffs to remove the offending animals. “Look, in my learned opinion, self-incriminating evidence should be inadmissible as evidence in future cases. We listen to what they say, but promise to forget whatever they’ve told us as soon as the case is over.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a popular saying is "a chicken for every pot and an abortion clinic on every street".

2021-05-01 10:00

Doctors’ Orders

There have been an increasing number of complaints as some doctors refuse to provide abortions and other medical treatments to patients on religious grounds. As you wait in a hospital waiting room for a routine physical, a colorful collection of activists have begun pestering you.

  1. “Freedom of religion is under attack in Random Chaos!” declares Dr. Mordecai Parkarvarkar, who is bedecked in so many religious symbols that he can’t reach his stethoscope. “The government has made it obvious that they want to force doctors of faith to violate their conscience by performing procedures that go against deeply held beliefs, including the immoral act of abortion. It’s appalling to try and force anyone to choose between their job and their religion. Every doctor must be able to refuse to treat anyone if it would contravene their beliefs in any way, shape or form.”
  2. “Funny how those who have spent their lives discriminating are now crying oppression,” notes renowned feminist activist Ella Vercingetorix, who once controversially remarked that she wished she had had an abortion, despite never having been pregnant. “The moment we give into their nonsense is the moment equality and civil rights are done away with. Religion doesn’t entitle you to refuse to do your job. I implore the government to ignore these whackos and fire anyone who uses religion as an excuse to discriminate.”
  3. “A-ha! I have the perfect solution!” interjects your Minister of Reasonable and/or Crazy Alternatives. “These doctors don’t want to perform abortions or other procedures? Fine, but we should always make sure women have safe access to these facilities should the need arise. I propose that we build fully-funded women’s health clinics in every hospital and community. We’ll staff them with certified pro-choice physicians and provide abortion, contraception and impartial advice. Some may not like their tax money going to this procedure, but these people only have themselves to blame.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, passwords to nuclear codes must now contain upper and lower case characters.

2021-05-01 04:00

Nuke Before You Leap

Traditionally, the leader of Random Chaos is the only person in the country who can authorize the use of nuclear weapons. However, the increasingly threatening rhetoric between Random Chaos and Blackacre, another nuclear weapons state, is making the top brass of the military concerned that the lack of checks and balances could easily trigger a nuclear war.

  1. “There needs to be more than just your authorization to launch an attack with our WMDs,” asserts General Darren Cruz, the senior commander of the Random Chaosian military. “It’s not that we don’t trust you. It’s just that this Blackacre situation is giving us lots of sleepless nights. All it would take is for one insult or threat to be taken too seriously and we’d be hurled into a devastating war we may not recover from. Launches of WMDs should require the approval of the military brass plus some additional checks and confirmation codes, not just your assent. Nothing wrong with being a little cautious, is there?”
  2. “Getting everyone’s consent takes time, and time is a luxury we can’t afford in a volatile situation,” states your security adviser while drawing devil horns on a picture of Blackacre’s leader. “Do you think the dictator of Blackacre is going to waste time with consultants when she decides to launch her nukes? We need to act fast in these kinds of situations. You, Leader, need to have the ability to unilaterally declare nuclear war and launch our most powerful weapons without anyone getting in the way. Just push the big red button and Blackacre goes poof!”
  3. “Or better yet, you can start dismantling those weapons!” demands your wayward niece, wearing a t-shirt with the words ‘No More Torpedoes’ emblazoned across the chest. “These bombs are capable of destroying The Hatrackia ten times over! Random Chaos must make a stand and take the first step towards peace. Ban weapons of mass destruction, and other brave nations will surely follow suit. I don’t want my future children to inherit a post-apocalyptic Random Chaos!”
  4. “The problem here is the figurative big red button itself,” muses Dr. Honey Bell-Lecter from the Institute of Thought Experimentation. “Launching nuclear weapons is an action that would definitely kill millions and could kill everyone in the world. Simply ordering a nuclear attack doesn’t have enough moral cognitive weight to it. Thus, the launch codes should be stitched in the viscera of one of your loved ones. That way, you can still trigger global Armageddon if you deem it necessary, but having to first kill and disembowel your loved one makes the suffering sufficiently real for you and forces you to confront the ethical consequences of your actions.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, in musicals everybody's a little bit racist.

2021-04-30 22:00

Stage Directions

Angry moralists, and some confused tourists who seemed to think they were waiting for tickets, picketed outside irreverent rock opera Jimmy Bouncer: The Musical. They claim it contained blasphemy, misogyny, racial intolerance, adult situations, and an inappropriate alternate rhyme scheme.

  1. “I wish... I wish that theatre would be purer. I wish the actors were demurer,” rants protestor and member of evangelical pressure group Many Moral Mummies, Patty Watts. “I wish wolves had no hidden meaning, that faith suffered no demeaning, that writers weren’t so left-leaning... I wish so many things. Into the future, we should look at introducing censorship. Into the future, we need penalties for those who would pervert it. Into the future, let’s guarantee nice plays that little kids could see. The future’s here; it only needs for you and me to grasp it.”
  2. “Hello, my name is Eldon Pryce, and I would like to share with you the most amazing dream,” chimes a perky actor, as he places his headshot on your desk. “A dream of paradise, a great street paved with gold, lined with theatres and dreamers and the tales that are told. We can defend free expression rights; a night nestled in a theatre seat could change a life! So come with us, support our happy troupe, and let the theatre district grow.”
  3. “Friend, you’re closing your eyes to the real situation you don’t want to acknowledge,” observes curmudgeonly theatre critic Nosipho deCastro, who has written acerbic reviews panning the previous two speakers. “Maybe you’re not aware of the calibre of disaster indicated by the presence of rock’n’roll here in your community. That’s Rock with a capital ‘R’, and Roll with the same ‘R’. To keep the young ones moral, you’ve got to wind it back to something more wholesome. Church choirs, songs of praise and partsong. Rock’n’roll can roll on by.”
  4. “Slowly, sadly, theatre lost its splendour,” intones a cloaked figure from the shadows. “Grasp it, change it, scrap the worst offender. Turn your face away from this modern dross today. The music’s over-written and it’s trite. Revive some grand old theatre shows tonight.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, college students make ends meet by selling their kidneys.

2021-04-30 16:00

Cash for Colons?

Hospitals have requested that they be allowed to pay people for donating blood and other bodily organs, such as kidneys.

  1. “We remain critically short of blood plasma and various organs,” says Random Chaos One hospital administrator Jessica Brewer. “Especially hearts. A good heart is hard to find. But if we were allowed to pay for donations, we’d get more of them and could save more lives. Plus the donor takes home a few hundred chips in compensation. Unless it’s a post-mortem donation, of course. In that case we’d pay the family.”
  2. “Great idea,” says social commentator Nick Harrison. “Except for one thing. You know who’s going to be selling their organs? Poor people! They’ll be so desperate for money that they’ll sell their own kidneys. Well, a kidney. This is just another way for the rich to buy themselves a better life at the expense of the poor. It must be outlawed.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hit TV show 'The eXecution Factor' is a critical success.

2021-04-30 10:00

The End Is in Sight?

The high-profile manhunt, capture, trial and conviction of Oscar ‘Cannibal’ Bush has been occupying news headlines for months, and now the serial slaughterer is finally scheduled to be executed. While most executions tend to have a few people in the viewing gallery, the notoriety of the infamous ingester of infants has demand for ringside seats at an all-time high.

  1. “I guess I wanna see with my own eyes that he’s definitely dead and gone,” explains mum-of-three Ashley Hendrikson, filling a carton with toffee-flavoured popcorn. “Also, it’d be so cool to tell the other school-mums that we saw the Cannibal die, they’ll be totes jealous. My youngest has a day off nursery especially for this. I mean, I just think you should have a place with a proper viewing area so that more people can watch the big show.”
  2. “A baying crowd would lack a certain decorum,” observes professional executioner Han Parke. “Instead, why not have the execution broadcast live on television? Millions could tune in from their own homes, and you could double the entertainment value by having viewers vote on what novel method of execution should be used. It’d be fun to see Bush get dropped in a shark tank, or drowned in custard, or squashed by a giant plastic foot, don’t you think?”
  3. “The death penalty is a regrettable necessity, not an entertainment event,” intones Judicial Review Officer Maria vonBismarck, glaring sternly at you over her gold-rimmed spectacles. “The public should be excluded from the process of judicial execution. The convicted soul, an executioner and a single medical witness - there’s no need for anyone else in the room.”
  4. “Wait... we’re not one of those loopy nations that have the death penalty, are we?” panics confused civil servant Shinzo Croft, checking through the legislation archive files to see what policies you’ve enacted in this hectic year. “That’s some kind of error, right? Tell me that’s an error!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sanitary products are sold in brown paper at hairdressers' salons.

2021-04-30 04:00

Period Drama

Tonight’s big family dinner seemed like such a nice idea. Alas, it’s all descended into awkward silences and short tempers again. This is mostly thanks to your sister’s complaints about the high price of feminine sanitary products, which she largely attributes to the so-called “tampon tax”: a sales tariff on these items.

  1. “It’s a bloody outrage! The patriarchy seems to believe that tampons and pads aren’t essentials,” rails your sister Jill, waving a grocery receipt under your nose. “You have to stop taxing feminine products! If the income stream is so important to you, stick it on income tax instead! Women everywhere are demanding change. Can’t you go with the flow?”
  2. “Don’t make a scene, dear,” soothes your mother, patting her on the shoulder. “If the prices are bleeding you dry or cramping your style, I’m sure your dear sibling will have the state buy them for you, and for all Random Chaos’s ladies. That’s what government is for, isn’t it darling?”
  3. “Ugh, I can’t believe that your sister would even talk about such things at the dinner table,” moans Uncle Arthur, handing out copies of his self-published pamphlet, Women: For Pity’s Sake, Don’t Talk. “It completely put me off my borscht. If it were up to me, I’d make it a crime to publicly discuss women’s monthly troubles. Some things are best kept private, period!”
  4. “Let’s try and be balanced here,” whispers your Treasury Minister Nikolai Peña, wishing he’d never accepted the invitation to your family home. “Sales tax is vital to help keep the burden of income tax down, but it’s a good thing to be equitable. Why not add sales tax to men’s daily goods like razors and shaving cream? That way, everybody pays their fair share.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, embarrassed police officers wear spandex and carry net guns.

2021-04-29 22:30

Vigilantes: Heroes or Hoodlums?

Your evening supper was disrupted recently when a spandex-clad man wearing a mask left a hitherto untouchable mob boss on the High Court’s doorstep before disappearing once more into the night. While some have welcomed the assistance of ‘the Dogman’, others are fearful of what consequences supporting vigilantism could bring.

  1. “He did WHAT?” shouts over-zealous police officer Jane Duterte. “The Dogman is a menace to society and an insult to the police. Vigilantism should not be tolerated, and the police should have the right to track these people down and throw them in jail. We’ll show others like him that the law cannot be taken into their own hands.”
  2. “I agree, but we’re forgetting the bigger issue,” says Police Chief Namkha Locke. “It’s embarrassing really. This guy who’s probably had no police training managed to catch a criminal that some of us in the force have spent ten years trying to bring down. This whole incident clearly shows us that the police force needs new training and equipment. I’m sure that our citizens wouldn’t mind paying a little more to feel safer on the streets.”
  3. Stephanie Shaft, avid contributor to the magazine Anarchist Monthly, presents a different opinion. “The last thing we need is more police. In fact, I think the people would be better off with more heroes like the Dogman. Let’s face it. The police are known for corruption and brutality. Let the people take the law into their own hands, and we’ll have a utopia where issues are settled without fascist pigs telling us what we can and can’t do! It’ll be perfect, trust me.”
  4. “You all have the wrong idea,” says Graphite Lad, wearing a slender yellow spandex suit and eraser helmet. “We can’t dismiss the fact that the Dogman did us and our city a great service. That’s not something we should put him in jail for. In fact, I think the government should pay vigilante heroes for their noble deeds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign heads of state have taken out restraining orders against Random Chaosian ambassadors.

2021-04-29 16:00

Ambassadors Inextraordinary

It was recently discovered that your predecessor had filled numerous ambassadorial positions with unqualified candidates and supporters. These include the ambassador to Wezeltonia, your predecessor’s personal masseuse, and the ambassador to Brancaland, a known crime lord. It’s clear to many that Random Chaos could use a change in the ranks of its diplomats.

  1. “This is a splendid opportunity to put in our own, far superior, ambassador picks!” enthuses your Political Adviser, Elena Dubois. “It’s obvious that we can’t let those incompetents keep their positions any longer, so we sack them all and replace them with our own people. I’ve prepared a list for you to look at - we’ve got talented people like that first government official to endorse you, the Tourism tycoon who donated millions to your campaign, and my younger brother. It’ll be wonderful!”
  2. “We need to abolish the entire system of ambassadors as political appointees,” says Joe Li, who has worked in the Foreign Ministry for the past three decades. “Over my sixteen tours of duty in the Foreign Service, I’ve been posted to hellholes like Brasilistan, Marche Noire, and Maxtopia. And then I see some champagne-sipping flunky waltz on in to become the ambassador, despite having never worked a day in their life. Every ambassador should have as much diplomatic experience as I do before being considered for the job.”
  3. “I spy an opportunity...” says your seldom-seen Minister of Whispers, who has somehow appeared beside you. “What our nation needs is for our ambassadors to be trained and equipped for - specialized operations - in foreign nations. Imagine our most elite black-ops agents, striking under cover of darkness to promote our nation’s goals. Think about it. I know you’ll make the right choice.”
  4. Nomathemba Schwarzenegger, the sole survivor of the infamous embassy bombing in Marche Noire, limps into your office with a cane. “You bet I’m not qualified for these ordeals,” she yells. “The things I’ve seen, the horrible things I’ve had to do, the countless nights I’ve spent awake working on that free-trade agreement have left me a broken woman! End this misery, Leader; shutter our embassies abroad and bring us all home.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens who leave the country are officially classed as traitors.

2021-04-29 10:00

Expats Plea for Help in War-Torn Country

Thousands of migrant citizens and expatriated citizens of Random Chaos have asked the government to take them home from Marche Noire, a faraway country on the brink of a terrible and violent civil war.

  1. “We must co-ordinate with the government of Marche Noire in order to secure our absentee workers—ahem—citizens who are in their country,” says Abdullah Poe, your Minister of Foreign Affairs. “We must also create an emergency fund to assist our expats and help bring them back to Random Chaos. No matter where any of our people are, they’re still ours and our responsibility.”
  2. “That’s rubbish,” objects Darya Webster, your Minister of Finance. “Why waste hundreds of thousands of chips in bringing those expatriated citizens back to Random Chaos? They chose to leave our great country; they are no longer our concern! They could have stayed here and been an asset to our workforce! Helped us grow strong! No, they’ve had their chance. You reap what you sow. We should cut any financial assistance we give to those traitors.”
  3. “That’s a good point,” says Jamie Dimitrov, your Minister of Civics. “Our people are the generators of the economy. The expats should be allowed to come back but only if they stay. If we keep letting our citizens emigrate, then we’re losing our doctors, our teachers, our skilled and unskilled workforce to damn foreigners! Close the borders to those wanting to leave our nation. If they can’t see how wonderful Random Chaos is, then we’ll make them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the only crimes that get investigated are doughnut heists.

2021-04-29 04:00

Running From Time

The long arm of the law has finally caught up with the most notorious burglar in Random Chaos, with investigative diligence revealing that the man who stole the ceremonial staff from parliament was almost certainly William Thiesen, better known as ‘Burglar Bill’. The only problem is that forty years have passed since the crime.

  1. “The principle of a statute of limitations is important to due process,” declares Carter Chen, a defence lawyer and civil rights expert who recently managed to get serial killer ‘Psycho Pete’ released on compassionate grounds. “After so many years, the case for prosecution is no longer viable. Witness accounts can no longer be considered reliable, and physical evidence will have deteriorated. Also, the suspect is now a frail, old man who has certainly committed no crime in decades. The police were clearly incompetent in their inability to bring a prosecution to bear within a reasonable timeframe. Any outcome other than dismissal of the case would be a grave injustice.”
  2. “You don’t stop being guilty just because time has passed,” insists Holly James, Head Warden at Random Chaos City Prison as she runs her truncheon along the radiator in your office. “This man is a common thief and shouldn’t be allowed to get away with what he did. It cost the state a lot of chips to replace the ceremonial staff, not to mention the national embarrassment it caused us. Put this criminal where he belongs – in jail!”
  3. “Burglar Bill is awesome!” announces your brother, as he adds the latest addition to his Burglar Bill scrapbook, which he has had since he was a kid. “The daring break-in into parliament, avoiding the cops for four decades - this man knows his stuff! You should make Burglar Bill your Chief of Police; his inside knowledge of the criminal underworld makes him the perfect fit for the job.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaos City XV Regiment (aka "The Goat Starers") have yet to win a battle.

2021-04-28 22:00

Thinking a Little Too Hard?

A highly publicized data leak from Maxtopia has revealed classified military projects studying ESP, astral projection, mind-reading and other psychic-related phenomena.

  1. “Just look at the things Maxtopia was experimenting with!” exclaims General Vercingetorix fiddling with a tinfoil ‘projection’ cap. “There’s mind-reading devices, brain-expansion exercises, this ‘Dream Twister’ secret project, and so much more! I mean, just imagine the potential strategic advantages on the battlefield, or in intelligence operations! Even if it comes to nothing, can you risk letting them get ahead of us? We should also be funding open-minded research into the paranormal, just to see what we find.”
  2. “Research alone is not taking this far enough!” proclaims purportedly psychokinetic guru Rosalina Cox, offering you a copy of her self-help book Moving Forward. “The full potential of the human mind is an infinite power beyond this puny material world! A psychic soldier could stop their enemy’s heart with a thought, and smash tanks with a wave of the hand. Set aside all conventional arms, and train your army to fight purely with psychic force.”
  3. “Oh please, don’t tell me you’ve fallen for this nonsense as well!” moans famed debunker Agnieszka Kidman. “All these projects amounted to nothing: nada, zilch, zero! They have only ever produced wasted time and wasted money. It’s time that we clamped down on ridiculous superstitions, and purged all magical thinking from our military! Any soldier caught spouting mystical mumbo-jumbo should be dishonorably discharged immediately!”
  4. “Of course the paranormal isn’t real, but that doesn’t mean we can’t spread some disinformation,” murmurs Propaganda Director Declan Ripley. “Essentially, this is about PSYOPS, not psychic ops. You must first fake and then leak data claiming that we have already developed paranormal military capabilities. This will unnerve credulous nation states, while also wasting the espionage resources of more cautious foes as they seek to refute our claims. It’ll be a cheap way to gain a significant strategic edge, so why not go for it?”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a recent "genocide prevention" campaign includes murdering children based on their DNA.

2021-04-28 16:00

The Boys From Brasilistan

A report from your Intelligence Ministry reveals that an illegal lab deep in the jungles of Brasilistan has created several clones of the infamous genocidal dictator Lee Terallihitlah, a.k.a. “the Butcher of Bigtopia,” and placed them with adopted families scattered around the world, including some in Random Chaos.

  1. “These children are a potential source of danger!” says death camp survivor Yui Bulsara. “Think what would happen if one of them rose to power in Random Chaos and repeated Terallihitlah’s crimes here. They have to be put under surveillance to make sure that never happens. And if they turn out not to be as evil, then we ought to be monitoring them to protect them from those with a misplaced sense of vengeance against them. Either way, everybody is safest if we keep a close watch.”
  2. “That’s not enough!” yells Bigtopian human rights activist Dana Hayes. “What if someone marries them without knowing? What if they have kids? Terallihitlah systematically murdered millions of Bigtopians because he believed we were genetically inferior. We can’t allow his DNA to stay in the gene pool! These abominations must die!”
  3. “What is wrong with you people?” civil rights lawyer Hugo Osborne wants to know. “Don’t we have anything better to do than judge people by their DNA? These children aren’t Lee Terallihitlah and they haven’t done anything wrong. It should be illegal to discriminate against people based on their genes.”
  4. “Hey, like, maybe we can use this,” says controversial pop singer Britney Speer, as she bounces into your office dressed in a bizarre mix of sequins, body paint, and fascist regalia. “You can recruit the clones to work for you and have them travel the country promoting patriotism. What could possibly go wrong?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, genetic researchers have been expelled.

2021-04-28 10:00

Cloning Research Promises New Breakthrough

Scientists using cloned human embryos for research are on the verge of a medical breakthrough.

  1. “It’s really very exciting,” says lab head William Price. “Until now, we’ve kept very quiet, to avoid being targeted by lunatic fringe groups who for some reason think it’s wrong to clone human embryos. It’s too early to promise anything, but we hope that one day we will have genetic cures for a whole range of debilitating illnesses. I certainly hope the government will support our work.”
  2. “Well, if you have to be part of a lunatic fringe group to object to this barbaric practice, I’m a lunatic,” says placard-waving protestor Caesar Wilson. “Of course it would be nice to cure these unnamed diseases, but at what cost? They’re messing with the sanctity of human life. It’s wrong, and the lab should be shut down immediately.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Extensive Public Healthcare.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prudishness is on the way out.

2021-04-28 04:00

Outed Teacher Ousted

A religious high school in Random Chaos City has caused quite a stir after firing a teacher because of his homosexual orientation.

  1. “I can’t see what they did wrong,” says Zeus Kamen, proud parent and founder of the Holier Than Thou prayer group. “Homosexuality is an apostasy onto everything we stand for and believe in! I don’t want my children to be exposed to it. Teachers are role models for their students for heaven’s sake. I say all sodomites should be banned from teaching at all schools in Random Chaos, lest the contagion spread.”
  2. “Prohibiting people from doing their jobs just because of their love life is utterly ridiculous!” shouts a mad-as-hell civil rights activist. “Don’t we live in modern society? Giving these fundamentalist idiots what they want is a huge violation of human rights. All people should be able to do their jobs, whatever their sexuality!”
  3. “This is yet another example of what harm religion does to our society,” says LGBTQ activist Conan Redwood, waving a rainbow flag. “Homosexuality shouldn’t be a taboo subject anymore. Children ought to be brought up knowing that sexual diversity is just something that exists in society and is completely normal. To help society move forward, we need to get rid of religious schooling and teach that people should love whoever and whatever they want.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, life expectancies inside correctional facilities vastly exceed the national average.

2021-04-27 22:00

The Sickest Criminals

Inmate Ken Calder died in prison yesterday after years of battling cancer. The death of the prisoner has prompted humanitarian groups to call for a compassionate release policy for terminally ill and elderly inmates.

  1. “A portion of our imprisoned population lives in holding cells when they really belong in hospice care,” says well-known philanthropist Preeti Hill, wringing her hands over the images of bedraggled inmates in grimy cells that she has spread across your desk. “A compassionate release system will allow these inmates to live out their days free from the encumbrance of incarceration. Yes, they might be criminals, but anyone who considers the elderly, debilitated, or dying a danger to society should consider a wellness check themselves.”
  2. “We can’t just release inmates every time they get a hangnail,” wheezes sickly-looking former sheriff Yuri Pavlov, as he slaps a truncheon in his palm. “Sure, compassionate release might cut costs, but at what cost to the community? Tell me, what’s stopping these crazies from going on crime sprees following their release? Arthritis? Keep these people in prison, Leader! Convicts should serve the entirety of their sentences, even if it means they get paroled out the back door.”
  3. “I’m all in favor of keeping criminals off the streets, but prison infirmaries aren’t adequately equipped or staffed to handle inmates who often end up sick, stabbed, or sometimes both,” declares prison nurse Clint Wall, as he shows you over a dozen shanks he has collected from his patients. “I mean, the sheer number of items one can substitute for a surgical suture is impressive and all, but Random Chaos should really invest in prison medical facilities and personnel capable of supporting all who dwell within the walls.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader's used car is held together by bumper stickers that support the opposition.

2021-04-27 16:00

Driving Leader

After many years of faithful service, your current vehicle broke down on the highway this morning, forcing you to squeeze into the back of a police car like a common hoodlum in order to get to work. To avoid any further embarrassments, your advisors have asked you to pick a new state car to whisk you to-and-fro when required.

  1. “Look, that old barge was pretty, but it might not have been adequate if there was a bomb attack!” proclaims General Wesley de Groot, gesturing wildly and getting uncomfortably close to your face. “What we need to protect you is a state-of-the-art military vehicle. I’m talking 10cm thick carbon-ceramic armour, missile launchers, gun nests, and plenty of room for a squad of special forces operatives. Let’s make something no enemy of the state would dare even look funny at, let alone consider attacking!”
  2. Suddenly, your windows are shaken by what sounds like the bellow of a wild animal as eccentric TV star and car enthusiast Clark Jeremysson revs the engine of his Berrari Forza-Azzurri, then proceeds to address you using a megaphone. “Your people judge you based on what you’re driving. How on earth can they connect with you on a personal level if you’re riding around in a hybrid battlecruiser-tank thing? You should get something fast and exciting — a proper supercar — and drive it yourself. Show everyone that you’re a real take-charge leader who goes wherever you want, at whatever speed you want. People will love it!”
  3. “Heaven forbid that such an uncouth brute should influence Your Excellency,” sputters Bruce Lane, head of sales at Bolls-Boyce, bowing low and taking off his hat. “My dear, the vehicle that served you was very fine indeed, but fear not, for we can make a more luxurious replacement at our coachbuilding studio that will be far superior to the pedestrian wares offered by Maxcedes and Barryan Motor Works. If you would be so kind as to tell me your preferred leather suppleness and decanter temperature, my master craftsmen can get to work post-haste.”
  4. “Why waste taxpayer money on an expensive limousine when you can set an example of frugality?” questions your Minister of Anti-Corruption, who also happens to be your niece. “Just drive whatever’s available, like one of the compact cars in the government’s vehicle pool. They’re all made by General Chassis, right here in Random Chaos. It’ll help reduce government spending, while demonstrating your support for the local automotive industry.”
  5. You think you’re finished, but then a scraggly hippy who had appeared to be a large bush stands up and starts moving in your direction. “Like, dude... it’s you, man! I always thought you were cool! Hey, listen, I want to rap with you about something. Like, cars are so last century, dude! The people will totally be down with it if you just... like, walk everywhere. Imagine, you with a sweet poncho and a stick, totally in sync with Mother Earth, just walking to... wherever it is you go. Maybe it’ll put out good vibrations and change some minds about pollution and saving the world!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most citizens in Random Chaos are abject pyrophobes after extremely graphic pamphlets were mailed nationwide by the government.

2021-04-27 10:00

Where There’s Smoke

Random Chaos’s fire protection department has long been criticised for being slow, inefficient, and underfunded. A number of ideas have been proposed on how to deal with the problem.

  1. “See here, buddy,” says Georgina Huxley, putting a friendly arm around your shoulder. “Your country needs fire protection, but you don’t want to pay for it yourself. What do you say me and some of the boys here open up a few fire stations of our own and let the custome- citizens pay US instead of YOU paying THEM. It’s not like we won’t put out the fires if they don’t have anything on them, we’ll just bill them and their children and their children’s children until we get all our money.”
  2. “Woah, woah, woah!” says liberal activist, Larry Poe. “I don’t want my rescuers to be putting less effort into their jobs because I don’t have a credit card or live in a slum. Do you know when you’re at your worst, financially? WHEN YOUR HOUSE JUST BURNT DOWN. This is a victimisation of the poor! The government should be in charge of the emergency services and they should treat everyone equally. It’s only fair.”
  3. “Not only that, but we need to prevent fires from happening in the first place,” says Rosalia Webster, your Minister of Safety, carefully turning off the wall sockets in your office. “And if that means sending free smoke alarms, fire extinguishers, and informative pamphlets to every household in Random Chaos so be it! Damn the expenses, Leader, lives are at stake!”
  4. “I think that sounds kinda... socialist,” says Agnes Dimitrov with a disgusted grimace. “The government should keep out of this if you ask me. The only reason fires happen is because people are stupid and they know a fire engine will come racing down the street to save them. Take away that safety blanket and I think you’ll find they wise up quite quickly! We don’t need any tax-consuming fire service! If idiots and their families go up in flames they’ll have no one to blame but themselves.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, entire provinces are populated solely by nuclear missile technicians and military police.

2021-04-27 04:00

Virtually Assured Destruction

Last week a mothballed Random Chaosian nuclear missile exploded deep underground, triggering a catastrophic earthquake in rural Random Chaos. The little evidence that could be recovered from the debris indicates that the explosion was caused by neglected maintenance of outdated warheads, spurring debate over the state of the nation’s nuclear arsenal.

  1. “We clearly need a total overhaul,” states Colonel Heather Moore of the Random Chaosian Nuclear Deterrence Program, quite calmly despite the clamor outside of your office. “It will be costly, but once we have a new generation of warheads ready, we’ll be perfectly safe from another incident like this happening, at least during my own tenure. We will, of course, need to dispose of the old missiles to make room for their replacements, but I’m sure the nuclear industry would jump at an ongoing contract to recycle the plutonium for us. It’s certainly cheaper than mining more ore out of the ground.”
  2. “We definitely need to update our warheads,” hastily concurs Magnus Swallows, your trade ambassador, recently returned from troubled Tasmania. “I propose we sell the old missiles to build strategic alliances. Then we get some money and ditch responsibility for the missiles, and we save an ally a lot of R&D. It’s probably safe! Worst case scenario: the old missiles fall into the wrong hands while in transit to other countries, but if we just convoy them up with some regular munitions, the teamsters will be able to fight off any attempted hijacking.”
  3. “Really?” objects Herschel Carr of the Random Chaosian Security Agency, startling you as he appears seemingly out of nowhere. “You actually think it was just a malfunction? Why do you think there was so little evidence left? That warhead was clearly detonated intentionally; I don’t know if it was terrorists or spies from one of our rivals, but someone did this, and they did it for a reason. Our primary concern should be with securing our missile bases against sabotage. People may still be scared of nuclear malfunction, but hey - if nobody wants to live near our nukes, that only strengthens national security.”
  4. “You’re all ignoring the real problem!” shouts a protester as she bursts through the door to your office. “The nukes were a bad idea from the get-go! Sooner or later we’re going to annihilate ourselves with another accident. What’s the point of even having a deterrent if we’re just going to blow ourselves up? For the sake of humanity, the environment, and the national budget, it’s time to disarm ALL nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, jaywalking is punishable by public flogging.

2021-04-26 22:00

Whipping Up a Controversy

Amnesty Interregional has repeatedly ranked Random Chaos as one of the worst human rights abusers in the world, citing your government’s severe punishments for ordinary crimes. Embarrassed by the bad press, your government is considering ending its practice of flogging criminals.

  1. “This punishment is barbaric!” cries leading activist Meadow Smith, while whipping out leaflets on Random Chaosian law enforcement. “We’re no better than backward dictatorships like Maxtopia who flog their criminals for the most trivial of crimes! Random Chaos is a nation of decency and respect, but these whippings tarnish our reputation for humanity. We implore the government to end this medieval practice now!”
  2. “Are you kidding me?” rhetorically asks the precinct’s premier whipper, Kim Patton, while applying a new grip to his favorite cat o’ nine tails. “Flogging criminals is so exciting - I mean effective. Yeah, effective. I deter criminals from misbehaving with the lash of my whip. If anything, you should expand the list of crimes punishable by flogging. Then I could really have some fun!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, child adoption by homosexual couples has been outlawed.

2021-04-26 16:00

Two Mommies One Too Many?

The commercial release of the controversial children’s book ‘Heather Has Two Mommies’ in Random Chaos has sparked debate over laws concerning the adoption of children by homosexual couples.

  1. “I cannot understand for the life of me why anyone could possibly be against this,” complains Jacob Kantelberg, showing up at your office wearing a pink feather boa. “Bart and I are good and caring people and will make excellent fathers, so what’s the problem? All of the scientific studies have shown that there’s no difference in the wellbeing of children raised by gay and straight couples. All that’s holding these little darlings back from the happy family life that they deserve is the outdated prejudices of some prudes. All we want is to adopt a child to call our own. It’ll be fabulous!”
  2. “I don’t care what these so-called scientific studies say,” says Whoopi Benteen, representing a number of conservative religious organisations. “How can a boy hope to develop properly into a man if he’s being brought up by poofs? A father figure is not supposed to behave as if it is ‘okay’ to be, um, romantically invested in another man - and the same goes for lesbians! Why? Because it is not okay. It’ll just give them gay! Think about it: say you have two gay gamblers - they can’t have children because nature did not provide them with the tools and if God wanted gays to have kids then they would have those tools. Don’t legalise this blasphemy! Think of the children!”
  3. “This just doesn’t go far enough in my opinion,” grumbles Colleen Guilliman, an ardent opponent to homosexuality. “The more concessions we give these people, the more they’ll reduce our nation to the most embarrassing gayfest of all the region! We’ll be a joke! Homosexuality is a sin, and not only that it’s a disease of society and there’s no two ways about it. It must be criminalised and those responsible hanged just like in the good old days.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, record numbers of students are leaving school to enter the workforce.

2021-04-26 10:00

A Duty to Serve

Community service programs are becoming increasingly popular in private schools across Random Chaos. Now, parents have proposed implementing a similar program in state-funded high schools and middle schools, where students must complete ten hours of community service per year to graduate.

  1. “My son sits around on his butt all day. I think it would be good for him to get out and help the community,” says Magnus Vangelis, bustling into your office while the teenage boy trudging behind him rolls his eyes. “Not only will it help people in need, it will also give the students a chance to be a part of their community and a proud citizen of Random Chaos.”
  2. “Hey, man, we don’t have time to do community service when we spend the whole day on schoolwork and studying,” his son tells you. “Chill out with the long school days and maybe we’ll have more time to contribute to the community on our own.”
  3. Your cousin, who just stopped by to bring you cookies, pipes in. “I think community service programs are a great idea. Ten hours a year isn’t that much time, but it can change a lot if enough people are doing it. There’s no reason to limit it to students — just think of what we could do for the country if every able-bodied adult had to pitch in too!”
  4. “Are you kidding me!” Sasha Connery, CEO of NAT-U-RAL Co., shouts from the window of her limousine. “I don’t have time to go out and pick up trash. I’m doing the world a service by supplying the world with abundant amounts of natural gas! Surely that counts as community service. In fact, these kids could ‘volunteer’ at my plant — if you don’t mind, of course.” She slowly rolls her window up before driving off.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children as young as twelve are conscripted into the armed forces.

2021-04-26 04:00

Compulsory Military Service Under Attack

Concerned mothers and nervous school-leavers are petitioning the government to abolish compulsory military service.

  1. “Our children are forced to be trained to murder!” protests Fumiko Dimitrov, chairperson of the Parents Against All Things Violent organisation. “For too long now the government has been snatching away our children and training them to become killing machines. This archaic practice must be banned at once! Sure, some of them could end up breaking into cars or terrorising old people, but hey, kids will be kids, right?”
  2. “What a preposterous idea!” scoffs Drill Sergeant Lance Lawson. “The youth of Random Chaos has never needed the discipline provided by the armed forces more than it does today, and with all those rogue states out there we need all the recruits we can get! If anything, the government should lengthen the required service and drop the minimum age to something more reasonable.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, therapists dispense hugs for heroin dealers and cuddles for crackheads.

2021-04-25 22:00

Breaking Upset

While attending a community meeting in an impoverished neighborhood, you hear a commotion nearby. Just as you think you’ve seen it all, you find a man in his tighty-whities engulfed in flames outside his burning trailer. The cause was meth-making gone wrong.

  1. “I’m speechless, I truly am,” states local state trooper Neil Duturdte, as he twirls his revolver around his finger. “You want to know the worst part? Just last week the exact same thing happened, just with a different guy. They’re a danger to the public and themselves. We must declare war on drugs; let me and my boys eliminate this problem once and for all.”
  2. “We can find them, and deliver punishment as we see fit, but it will solve nothing,” retorts Tamara Benteen, a social worker. “What we need is social reform. These people need counseling and addiction programs. If we correct the undie lying - I mean, underlying causes of this, we may actually solve the problem, not add wood to the fire. So throw some funding to social services and it will all work out. Now, hold my jacket and clipboard while I go help this man.”
  3. “I has a much more betterer idea,” mumbles the man who caused all this as he scratches what used to be his eyebrows. “Clearly I done messed up. But, if the gub’ment or whoever teach people like me how to make our product all proper like, we won’t be getting into messes like this. Allow those expert fellas to teach us stuff on this and all will be good.”
  4. “To hell with them all!” proclaims Björk Guilliman, a right-wing radio talk-show host, as she puts her arm around your shoulder. “These people are nothing but human garbage, and in this instance, a flaming pile thereof! Let them maim or kill themselves; if they all die off, there will be no one to make drugs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, organ donation rates are among the lowest in the region.

2021-04-25 16:00

Compulsory Organ Harvesting Proposed

Tempers flare in Random Chaos as civil libertarians and the healthcare lobby clash once again over mandatory post-mortem organ donation.

  1. “It’s not as crazy as it sounds,” says Dr. Colleen Hopkins. “Every day, people die because we don’t have the organs to save them. Well, that and widespread under-funding of the health system. But the point is, if the government allowed us to take organs from dead people, we could save hundreds of lives a year. And come on, it’s not like dead people need them.”
  2. “You keep your damn hands off my organs!” says alarmed hospital patient Heston Peña. “They are my organs, and I’ll do with them what I like. The government has no right to my body.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the judicial system legislates morality.

2021-04-25 10:00

Supreme Court Nomination

The death of 108 year old Supreme Court Justice Sashona Dvořák has created an opening on the bench. Below are the possible nominees.

  1. Anne-Marie Long, the Former CEO of Random Chaos Products, says, “I have long sat by and watched our government viciously attack the big businesses in this country. The government has no right to control businesses and I will adopt that position in all of my judgements.”
  2. Reverend Earl Shakespeare is nominee #2. The Reverend says, “I am sick and tired of the liberals in this country ruining our family values. Every day they assault our basic sense of decency. You must vote for me to keep our families safe. Think of the children!”
  3. Gay Activist and former Senator Kendra Barry is nominee #3. “Our people aren’t happy, we need more freedom, we need more civil rights. We must keep the government out of the bedroom. We must respect people’s right to privacy and remember that personal relations are just that, personal.”
  4. Environmental Activist Quincy Graves argues, “Our government has been constantly violating Mother Earth and her rights, all our politicians talk about are civil rights, civil rights this, civil rights that, blah blah blah. We aren’t important, what is important is the Earth!”
  5. The last nominee is the retired Five Star General Virginia Mulcair. “We are ridiculed throughout the international community for our low quality weaponry, our police and military numbers are not sufficient. Our military must be protected from both constitutional and civilian oversight. They should be given money, and a free hand.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, postcards from Random Chaosian driving test centres are popular souvenirs.

2021-04-25 04:00

Which Right Is Right?

A long-awaited undersea tunnel linking Random Chaos to the island nation of Albionia has been completed — and motorists are rejoicing, or would be — if it weren’t for the fact that Albionia drives on the opposite side of the road. Whilst the changeover happens easily, foreign motorists arriving in Random Chaos sometimes get confused over which side to drive on, leading to an increase in accidents.

  1. “I’ve had a vision on how to solve this,” states Naki Watterson, your Transport Minister, as she places a name-tag holder around your neck. “We just need to erect more signage and road markings telling people to drive on the Random Chaosian side of the road. This simple and economic measure will remind motorists which nation they are in, and the accidents will cease.”
  2. “These Albionians are a bunch of nincompoops and a few signs won’t stop them from driving on the wrong side,” complains traffic warden Waldo Dax, who’s notorious for yelling at motorists. “I mean, I caught an Albionian going the wrong way around a roundabout. How do you even do that? Everyone knows that if you drive on the left side of the road, go clockwise, and if you drive on the right, go anti-clockwise. Signage won’t help. We need to ban Albionians from driving here until they pass our driving test.”
  3. “I have the solution... again,” declares Bodhi Kwan, your Minister of Creative Solutions, as he uses one of his shoes as an impromptu drinks holder. “Why don’t we just make all our roads one way? Then it doesn’t matter which side of the road you drive on, nor which side the steering wheel is on. It only matters in which direction you travel.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, motorists must pay to enter inner-cities during peak hours.

2021-04-24 22:00

For Whom the Road Tolls

A group of transport analysts have suggested that a charge of five chips a day for vehicular access to Random Chaos’s most congested inner-cities during peak hours is the only way to solve their ever-growing traffic problem.

  1. “Similar schemes have been very effective elsewhere,” says Joseph Quinn, one of the most infamous traffic wardens in Random Chaos. “It’s common sense that the best way to curb dangerously high demand is to raise the price of the supply - or, as in this case, to create a price. Charging citizens to go into more congested areas could, combined with the improvements to public transport it will finance, actually make people choose public transport over their cars. I don’t see why people shouldn’t pay tax for a little less traffic on our roads.”
  2. “These tolls are a preposterous idea,” argues road lobbyist, Oprah Wong. “Public transport will never replace the car - I don’t want to be forced to share my space with a bunch of malodorous working-class people on my way to work. Not that I would be, because I could afford the charge, but really, it’s the principle of the matter! The only solution is to expand urban road networks. True, some pavements and green spots would have to go, but those pedestrians should be able to put up with that if they’re to expect Random Chaos to be part of the modern world.”
  3. “Allowing cars to scoot around and pollute our cities was a bad idea in the first place,” says Winston Dvořák, a famous environmentalist. “The solution is to abolish private motor transport whilst funding a major urban public transport scheme. Our buses and undergrounds could be the envy of the world! Yes, the car companies will suffer, and yes, there’ll be a bit more tax, but wouldn’t it be worth it for a bit of fresh air and safe streets for the children?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, religious classes are compulsory for all school students.

2021-04-24 16:00

Random Chaos Looks to the Stars

The recent popularity of a science-fiction TV show has prompted calls for Random Chaos to develop its own space program.

  1. “Don’t tell me space colonies wouldn’t be cool,” says excited fifth-grade teacher Declan Smit, still wearing big Spock ears from his last convention. “Think of how they would galvanize the national population! And there would also be some kind of scientific benefit, probably.”
  2. “The project certainly is feasible, but very expensive,” says Random Chaosian Space Agency Head Kanya Bond. “We could make it less of a burden on the taxpayers if we sought funding from private industry — advertisements on the side of our rockets, selling contracts to the Arms Manufacturing industry, that kind of thing.”
  3. “If God had meant Man to fly, he would have given us solid rocket boosters instead of legs,” says religious type Nick Hammarskjöld. “We should not be looking to the stars, but rather inside our own hearts. That’s why we should abandon this so-called space program, and instead make the teaching of religion mandatory in all schools.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, one can walk from one side of Random Chaos City to the other without setting foot on Random Chaosian soil.

2021-04-24 10:00

Dàguó Takeaway

Dàguó companies with ties to their autocratic government own a wide range of power stations, water processing plants and railway lines in Random Chaos. One such company has expressed interest in buying yet another asset: the Port of Gambler City.

  1. “You can’t be serious!” gestures Ronald Solo, a Dàguó defector who owns a lucrative business in Random Chaos, yet is too afraid of his birth country to list his company on the stock market. “They poisoned our water supply, burned our crops and delivered a plague unto us! Well not yet, but are we just gonna sit around and wait until they do? Dàguó’s not exactly benign on the geopolitical stage. By allowing them to invest in our commodities, we’re potentially jeopardising our national security. We need to block the sale of any asset to Dàguó.”
  2. “This is very counter-productive!” declares Dàguó’s ambassador Adama Bowie, accidentally allowing you a glimpse of his list of spies posing as construction workers. “Companies from Dàguó have brought in plenty of capital to Random Chaos, and have built and invested in a great deal of infrastructure. Dàguó projects are ultimately good for Random Chaos and it’s offensive to suggest that our companies are problematic simply because they are owned by the Dàguó government.”
  3. “If we didn’t sell off our important infrastructure in the first place, we wouldn’t have this problem, would we?” states Dixie Harishchandra, as she uses a stack of Communist Manifestos as an impromptu soapbox. “Privatising our assets is a terrible practice; the supposed benefits have not been delivered to the people. As such, we should nationalise all corporate property right away.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids' party bags often contain candy and e-cigarettes.

2021-04-24 04:00

Vaping Up a Storm

E-cigarettes and vaping have been growing more popular, but some have expressed safety concerns.

  1. “I caught my son puffing mist from this weird device!” panics mother Mamiko Egan, holding an e-cigarette at arm’s length as if expecting it to explode in her face. “I haven’t tried it myself, but if you combine electricity with the dangers of nicotine, who knows what will happen? We must stop people using them until there’s been more research into their safety!”
  2. “Mom, you have like, minus one hundred percent idea what you’re talking about,” retorts her son, fifteen-year-old Clint, obnoxiously exhaling a cloud of berry-scented vapour into your face. “E-cigarettes have like, no bad stuff in them at all, so they’re as safe to smoke as drinking water. I mean drinking water is as safe as smoking these, not that you can smoke water... uh... you get what I mean. In fact, they help people stop smoking. Which is good, so I hear, though I’ve never actually tried smoking cigarettes. Plus, it’s really cool-looking. I’ve been trying to impress that Julie girl with my vape hearts. Anyway, don’t cut me off, because I really like Julie. Like really, really like. You get me?”
  3. “Nicotine replacement devices are reasonable to help with nicotine addiction,” interjects Dr. Shewhart in a paternalistic tone of voice, “and that’s all that they should be used for. People are too stupid to decide things for themselves: you need someone who has a brain to tell them what to do. Leader, if you have any respect for the moral and physiological well-being of our nation, I implore you to necessitate a psychiatrist’s prescription for electronic cigarettes.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Jack Russells have proven to be terrible spies.

2021-04-23 22:00

Gone a Stray!

A group of distraught high school girls has brought the problem of stray dogs and cats around Random Chaos to your attention.

  1. “There are too many strays just wandering around!” screams a concerned high school student as she feeds leftover scraps to a noticeably spooked mutt. “We need to gather all these poor animals and get them into a nice shelter where a loving family can adopt them and take care of them - whether they want them or not.”
  2. “No! No more animals, please!” begs animal shelter director Ksenya Kowalski as she struggles to latch a cage full of cats. “Look, I love these fluffballs as much as the next guy, but we just can’t handle any more. We’re up to our ears in animals! The problem isn’t with the strays, it’s with irresponsible pet owners not spaying and neutering their pets. It’s high time we required everyone to fix their pets. Do that and this problem will disappear.”
  3. “These animals deserve to be free!” screeches Falala Rolfe, a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything. “They found a home in the back alleyways and dumps. Who are you to take them away from their homes, tame them and make them your slaves? They don’t exist for your entertainment. We must free all of the animals!”
  4. “Let’s not get hasty here,” interrupts Major Burns while polishing his oak leaves and war medals. “Now these animals could be of use to the police here and overseas with our brave soldiers. There are plenty of jobs that simply aren’t suited to our patriotic boys in uniform. Yes, plenty of dangerous jobs. It’s not like these strays are going to be missed. And at least we’d be giving them hot meals and a dignified purpose!”
  5. “One bullet each should do the trick,” bluntly states a mustachioed local-government employee while loading a revolver. “Problem solved.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, neighboring nations are tired of Random Chaos's big fish stories.

2021-04-23 17:00

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

Mounting scientific research shows the fishery stocks across territorial waters are plummeting, with the possibility of whole fisheries collapsing in the near future.

  1. “There is only one reasonable thing to do,” proclaims Barry Nagasawa, head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Fish. “We must immediately introduce limited fishing quotas, add restrictions on catch size, and punish any violators harshly! There simply aren’t enough fish to go around. I’m afraid the fishing industry will just have to take one for the school.”
  2. “Hold on there, matey!” exclaims Fleur Tesla, head of the Trawler and Angler Trade Union of Random Chaos. “Surely there are plenty of fish in the sea, at least in the remote, international waters of The Hatrackia? The government must subsidize a massive fleet of full sea trawlers. Do that and we’ll have those fine-finned delicacies back on your table in no time!”
  3. “There is inadequate data to know with such certainty fisheries are in danger of collapse,” suggests Klaus Chavez, contrarian professor in the Department of Marine Studies and Fin Cuisine at University of Random Chaos City while reaching for a slice of lemon. “Maybe it’s been a rough few years for our gilled friends for reasons other than the millions of fish we catch a year. The only thing to do is collect more data. Keep things as they are and continue to monitor fish intake. If fish catches continue to decrease over the next two to three hundred years, then we can be sure we have a problem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians are often seen with soldiers pointing guns at their heads.

2021-04-23 10:00

Guns or Butter?

After years of costly military build-up, the military now has a state of readiness capable of responding to all threats, both foreign and domestic. There is extensive debate among government officials, the military, and the average citizen over what, if anything, should be done with this powerful asset.

  1. “No one even thinks to look at us funny now,” says Field Marshall Lionel Mandrake as he taps a swagger stick against his hip. “So think about how they’d act when the military is in proper charge of the country? We’d say jump, and they’d jump, by jingo. Oh, and if you don’t agree with me, consider this a coup.”
  2. “There’s no point in having a military this size when our closest adversary has a water pistol strapped to a scooter and calls it an armoured brigade,” says noted economist Tabitha Strange. “Besides, the military’s been getting uppity with all its funding anyway. Slash its budget, sell off its surplus, and put the money into tax relief and... of course... maintaining all those contractors. Sure, they won’t make tanks anymore but they can sure make plenty of commemorative plates with all that money!”
  3. “The military is too powerful!” cries famous peacenik Elvis Gandhi, smelling of petrol and holding a Zippo in one hand. “All those tanks and bombs threaten us and the environment - we’re number one, and someone’s gonna try and take us down because of it! The people are tired of eating grass soup so the army can get another stealth ICBM launching flamethrower tank. Cut military funding and rebuild our schools, hospitals, welfare, and environment... or else!” Upon which he flips open the lid of the lighter threateningly.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, artists from across the nation compete to renovate the restrooms of old government buildings.

2021-04-23 04:00

Face Lift

After a prominent artist was arrested for attempting to chisel the historic frontage of a particularly ugly courthouse into a sculpture, architectural firms and aspiring artists have petitioned you to renovate crumbling government buildings.

  1. “These old buildings are ugly and falling apart!” bemoans aspiring artist Calvin Leach, while painting nude artwork of you as a form of protest. “If you let artists redesign your buildings, even amateurs, I guarantee the future of our nation will be more colorful, creative, and interesting! All we need is your permission and lots and lots of paint!”
  2. “Why trust these amateurs when you could hire real professionals?” asks world renowned architect and CEO of Barry & Associates Architecture Imogen Santiago, while making the final touches to a scale model display of a futuristic-looking Random Chaos City. “As the head of the most experienced architectural firm in Random Chaos, we are the best choice for renovating the government buildings of our nation. Not only will we have great designs, we’ll only use the most modern materials available. Of course there is some considerable money involved, but think of your new fiberglass palace and futuristic office!” A beam suddenly falls down and destroys the model city, resulting in the architect letting out an anguished cry.
  3. “Bah! In communist East Lebatuck, buildings redesign you!” exclaims a musky foreign dignitary, seen wearing the dullest of gray clothes. “Look, your buildings aren’t prettiest, but updating current aesthetics of building will keep loyal citizens focused on important thing, like harvest, parades and glorious leader. Private sector crooks or hack artist bring nothing but excessive monstrosities that lures people into decadence; only state itself should care for buildings. It be cheap and effective as well, all you need is plaster and portrait of yourself.”
  4. “Why fix our buildings at all?” queries the eccentric curator of the Random Chaos City National History Museum while punching a hole in your wall. “These old buildings are best enjoyed as part of history. Turn these moldy government offices and legislatures into a museum for all of Random Chaos to enjoy. We’ll of course need some flashy advertising and authentic historical artifacts to get people interested. People would pay good money to see the original draft of the constitution that has the word ‘suckers’ in it. Just think of the patriotism and tourism money when people walk through those old, hallowed hallways. Well, maybe more curiosity than patriotism.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prices for nearly everything reach all-time highs as business tax breaks are discontinued.

2021-04-22 22:00

Outdated Tax Code Crushing Random Chaos?

Over the years, the government’s tax code has become a headache-inducing tangle. Recently a prominent tax official was crushed to death under the weight of a complete copy of the tax code falling on his head. With taxes more complex than ever, an unlikely alliance of taxpayers, businesses, and government officials are demanding something be done to fix the situation.

  1. “We’ve got to put a stop to this before more lives are lost, like mine!” says Peter Colbert, the new head of the Random Chaosian Revenue Agency, indicating the search and rescue crew armed with paper shredders. “We need to abandon the current tax code and start anew. It’s drastic, I know, and will mean chaos in the bureaucracy, while spending may briefly need to be curtailed as revenues dip, but there’s no other way to fix this shambles!”
  2. “It’s true that something has got to be done about the tax code, but it doesn’t need to be anything so drastic,” proclaims Virginia Kapoor, spokesperson of the Alliance of Random Chaosian Businesses and Industry. “The real problem lies with the tangled mess that is the corporate tax regime. Allow us to write a competitive tax system for Random Chaosian industry, and you’ll stem the job losses from businesses flocking offshore to escape this bureaucratic nightmare.”
  3. “If anything is bloated about the taxes, it’s that corporate welfare!” rages Chun-Li Redwood, a concerned and rather irate citizen. “If you ask me, the government needs to eliminate all those generous tax breaks for businesses! Then we can cut some of those ridiculous taxes that hit the average guy, for once benefiting the people, not industry bigwigs!”
  4. “Our tax code is complicated?” queries your personal tax accountant Nomathemba Wynne, popping in from her office just next door. “If you’re struggling to fill in your FX505s, and can’t tell your NOQ112b from your NOQ112c, then that’s what we’re here for! In fact, if your government could just give a generous tax break to those of my profession - and made that cumulative with our unremitted personal G6 allowance, of course - then we’d be able to offer our services to even more people!”
  5. “Er, hi there, sir,” pipes up May Eko, clad in a high-vis jacket and clutching a clipboard. “None of these fine people have got to the root of your problem. If civil servants were just to wear hard hats while working, then falling paperwork wouldn’t be an issue. And perhaps a course on manual handling wouldn’t go amiss too?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the law says that all Random Chaosians are created equal — no matter how they were created.

2021-04-22 16:30

Vat Is a Serious Problem

Increasingly, vat-born citizens have been facing widespread discrimination from older, natural-born citizens. After a series of riots where both groups accused each other of inciting violence, your advisors have spliced together a panel of experts who want to propagate their ideas.

  1. “All we’re asking for is equal rights!” shouts protestor Desmond Cooper, whose youthful appearance is a clear sign of being vat-born. “Those flesh-born fogeys keep passing us over for promotions and raises at our jobs, even though most of us work harder and for longer hours. They routinely refuse to serve us at restaurants or let us buy a ticket at the theater. Some of the savages even spit on us! Well, my vat-born brethren and I aren’t going to take it anymore. If you don’t implement comprehensive anti-discrimination laws, there’s going to be blood in the streets!”
  2. “This is what happens when you try to play God,” professes Kate Kettering, Senior Underpope of Liturgical Purity and Inquisitions. “As it is written, you reap what you sow. These vats are vulgar abominations that undermine the sanctity of life and should be abolished! People are perfectly capable of producing children in the manner that our Creator intended. As for the existing vat-born hordes, I’m sure a little more welfare will calm the poor, misbegotten creatures down.”
  3. “May I offer a solution?” queries visiting dignitary Edsel Dearborn, who is wearing a T-shaped necklace and cloth-of-gold robes with an elaborate gear motif. “Back home in Aldoustan, my own government keeps the vat-grown masses happy by freely distributing a purified narcotic that we call soma: mildly euphoric and hallucinogenic, it gives people a holiday from facts and reconciles them with their enemies. We even have an aerosol spray version for neutralizing riots, like the ones I saw earlier. For a nominal fee of only 2.066 billion chips per year, we’d be happy to provide you with enough soma to subdue your growing population.”
  4. “Violent behavior is a sign of a serious process defect,” states vat technician Norman Rifkin while reviewing a stack of genetic test results. “It could be dangerous to medicate the malcontents. The correct dosage will vary between individuals — meaning that most of our vat-born population will either be too stoned to function, or won’t receive enough narcotics to subdue their violent impulses. The only viable solution is to euthanize every vat-born individual who shows any signs of agitation. Admittedly, it will temporarily devastate our workforce... but only until our new Kamino-Fett vats are completed and fully operational.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a positive pregnancy test doubles as a visa.

2021-04-22 10:00

Some Enchanted Evening That Was

Amid the seemingly perpetual war raging in South Palisade, it appeared that your military personnel were making the most of the situation, and forming close — often physical — relationships with local women. Some even maintained a family off-base. With peace talks in the making, many people are debating the fate of these war brides and children.

  1. “We must get them back to Random Chaos,” insists Private Kim Hammerstein, standing beside his long-time South Palisadian girlfriend as she cradles their infant son. “Have you seen what’s happened here? The entire country’s been destroyed, and who knows how long this peace agreement will last with those North Palisadians? I don’t want my family left behind when the bombs start falling again. It behoves our nation to create an exemption to the immigration ban, to allow our beloved partners and children into Random Chaos. Do we not have a duty to care for the families of the people who sacrifice everything for its safety?”
  2. “Do we not have a duty?” singsongs Major Brian Billis, who is rumoured to have fathered twenty-six illegitimate children in twenty-five countries. “I would say that clearly, we do not have a duty. There’s nothing like a dame, but if these harlots from other lands are stupid enough to believe that it’s love — let alone that love lasts longer than two minutes — that tells me all I need to know about their morals... It also tells me that we cannot allow such people into our country. Of course, our soldiers are upstanding persons of valour and, therefore, should give a financial remittance for any children begotten before they depart.”
  3. “These people have consorted with the enemy?” gasps Minister of Defence Khethelo Freeman, his left eyebrow springing upwards. “They’ve got to be carefully taught that any South Palisadian could be an enemy agent working for North Palisade; therefore, anyone found engaging in such illicit fraternisation shall be subject to court-martial and — when found guilty — execution for treachery.” Private Hammerstein and Major Billis fall menacingly under his gaze.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens applying for their first jobs face fierce competition from the homeless.

2021-04-22 04:00

The Trouble With Hobos

After several complaints of the tripping hazards presented by sleeping bags on the doorsteps of public buildings, the citizens of Random Chaos have brought the problem of homelessness to your attention.

  1. “To be honest, I’d just like a place to stay,” says a scruffy man who’s been living under your desk. “Somewhere I don’t have some landlord breathing down my neck all the time. If the government could see fit to build some kind of free hostel where people could go if they’ve fallen on hard times, well, that’d be just great.”
  2. “You can’t possibly think that’s a good permanent solution!” cries Gabriel de Jong, coordinator of the local soup kitchen. “What these people need is help to get their lives back on track. Yes, they have the right to a place to live, but they also need an honest job to pay for it. They need to be encouraged to work to become integrated into society again! Require the nation’s industries to create some basic jobs for these poor souls, and soon they will become pillars of the community!”
  3. “And who do you suppose pays for all this?” snaps Lucina Larkin, one of your advisors. “Your loyal taxpayers, that’s who! People who actually work for the things they have! And let’s face it: these vagrants bring it on themselves - frittering their money away on rubbish and rollicking in unemployment while the rest of the world slaves away to make ends meet. They’re worthless scum and they gave up their ‘rights’ a long time ago. I say we leave them to their misery until they become a nuisance, then have them dealt with like any other criminal.”
  4. “As far as I can see, homeless people are already a nuisance,” says Samuel Ryan, a proud citizen. “They’re mostly thieves and drug addicts, they make the streets a dangerous place for our children, they make honest people feel guilty for turfing them off their doorsteps and, frankly, they smell bad. They’re vermin, plain and simple, and as such, I suggest they be destroyed before the infestation gets even more out of hand.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign policy is based upon the principle of sieve and take.

2021-04-21 22:00

A Salt and Battery

Electric cars have vastly reduced air pollution in Random Chaos. However, this has accompanied a surge in demand for lithium, a scarce element primarily obtained through heavy mining. As lithium salts are a critical component in electric vehicle batteries, your advisers fear a shortage could cripple electric car manufacturers and the Random Chaosian lifestyle.

  1. “Without additional lithium, there could be a lot more horse-drawn carts on the roads, or even worse, gas guzzlers!” exclaims resource analyst Natalia Goff. “But don’t worry, Random Chaos has plenty of untapped lithium deposits! The biggest ones just, uh, happen to be located in pristine nature reserves. Anyway, not using our own natural resources would make us dumber than a box of rocks. Give the mining industry the go-ahead to expand lithium extraction operations; it’ll keep our cars cheap and skies beautiful.”
  2. “Doesn’t mining defeat the purpose of electric cars?” asks trade official Warwick Moore while eating from a lunchbox that is clearly labeled ‘Property of the Maxtopian Embassy’. “Rather than destroy our own environment, let somebody else destroy theirs. Dump lithium extraction in Random Chaos, and instead rely on cheap imports from dirt-poor countries like Kawandaland. There’d hardly be any downsides. Well, I mean, the mining sector obviously wouldn’t like it, we might shed a job or two, and there could be supply disruptions whenever Kawandaland goes through a coup, but electric car manufacturers will be jumping for joy!”
  3. “Lithium-ion batteries power tons of often-tossed electronics,” yaps Random Chaos City-area sanitation director Boris Svensson, who is wearing a T-shirt with the slogan ‘Garbage In, Treasure Out’. “We can reuse that lithium if we expand recycling infrastructure to accommodate the extra rubbish. Now look, this garbage idea has a catch — lithium recycling can’t beat mining in terms of output — so there’d be less of the stuff to go around. However, if we reduced lithium demand by hiking taxes on automobiles and electronics while also encouraging use of mass transit, we’d be able to make it work.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tens of thousands of Random Chaosians rock the night away at the annual SuperLob.

2021-04-21 16:00

We Won’t, We Won’t Rock You

Attendance at last week’s stoning in Random Chaos City Square was at a record low, as citizens decided instead to take a healthy walk, read self-improvement books, or merely exchange pleasantries with one another.

  1. “It ain’t right!” gripes souvenir rock distributor Wojciech Kasher, gesturing to his unwanted supplies of pointy rocks and bags of reinforced gravel. “Last week’s stoning only had a boring old murderer — what punter’s gonna waste high-grade silicates on them? Bring back the mafia kingpins! Chainsaw maniacs! Send the police out to hunt them down, from wherever they can find them. Now they’re worth a good chunk of quartz, eh?”
  2. “It’s not the quality of targets that’s the problem,” opines your brother, tossing a stone at a nearby barn door, and missing. “It’s that there aren’t enough to go around. Stoning is a noble art, and you should show your appreciation with a steady stream of targets, be they petty thieves or jaywalkers. How else can I perfect my technique?”
  3. “If you want these events to draw a crowd, there’s no sense in everyone getting stoned,” chortles rock fan Castiel Reid. “This needs to be a special occasion that lives long in the memories of all those young and old — well, except the victims. We need stadia, lights, loud music and audience participation! Let’s get the crowd rocking!”
  4. “No! You violate the sacred stones by causing harm to fellow men,” implores Sunbeam Gambler Xiaoping, handing out calming tourmalines to all present. “By placing crystals on their corresponding chakras we can use the healing energy to cure offenders of their negative thoughts. As the Almighty Agate teaches us: ‘Let he who be without sin, cast the first stone.’ No, NO, AAAAGGH!”
  5. “Few have the stones to look a fellow human in the eyes and kill them,” rasps Freda Beggins, a diminutive and hairy-toed master stonethrower, as she demonstrates her left-arm unorthodox spin delivery on a stray gambler. “Leave the job to the professionals, and we’ll get it done. Quick. Brutal. Merciless.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no one over the age of 35 has the slightest clue what is going on.

2021-04-21 10:00

A Lack of Comma Sense

After your highest-ranking legislative aide dedicated his new memoir to ‘my parents, Leader and Maxx’, unreputable news sources, the Gambler Gazette and the Random Chaos Times have been harassing your office incessantly about nepotism in your administration. An assortment of advisers have met with you over some bamboo soup to discuss this serial issue.

  1. “The serial comma avoids ambiguous meanings,” says ghostwriter Peggy Thompson, while picking the bay leaves from among the shoots. “Had there been a comma after ‘Leader’ but before ‘and,’ the intended meaning of the sentence would have been obvious. Hopefully, you can see why our government needs to create and maintain a mandatory style guide. The point being is that this initiative should be funded right away! After all, it’s best to write safe.”
  2. “The serial comma can just as easily add ambiguous meaning, and just takes up space unnecessarily,” replies photographer Xanatos Chew as he tries to shoot the leaves before he eats. “Don’t you find its usage to be not correct? And are you ready to convince the taxpayer of the extra expense they will be taking on? Because that’s what you will have to do.”
  3. Your Pear Phone suddenly starts vibrating as you receive the following text: imho we dont ned ne govt stile gide or grmmer or cursvie... mind ur own busnss... we type how we type... mabe the govt shud lern our way... idk idc whatevs ttyl
  4. “Punctuation is but a way for the elites to once again restrain the exchange of free ideas,” begins noted windba— “in order to further hold down oppress and smother and stamp out the honest working men and women of this country into a state of utter and complete impotence,” he continues, “so that the entitled and ruthless would be leaders of this world could sit in their castles built on the backs and labor of the commoner,” he continues further, “and smugly judge and spit on them in disdain but to that I say no we shall not take on your shackles and chains of punctuation as we will not be bullied into constrained or controlled or ignoble speech...” showing no sign of stopping, he is gently nudged out the door by your guards and — surprising no one — continues as he leaves.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nano-gamblers are the current fad sweeping the nation.

2021-04-21 04:00

Intelligent Design

Animal rights activists have petitioned the government to ban the selective breeding of pets to enhance certain characteristics, due to the genetic defects that this causes. After your office was inundated with letters filled with disturbing, yet adorable pet pictures, a meeting has been arranged to hopefully put the issue to sleep.

  1. A lone activist on all fours lets out a howl of despair in solidarity with her animal brethren before speaking. “Arthritis, skeletal deformation, and brain compression: these are just some of the terrible medical conditions caused by the public’s desire for ‘cute’ pets. Features in breeds like the Maxtopian fold cat and the Lilliputian munchkin rabbit are getting more exaggerated, putting the animals’ health in greater danger. The government should ban the continued breeding and sale of pets that have severe health conditions due to selective breeding.”
  2. “Rrrrgraf!” barks Mr. Fuzzykins, the darling Smalltopian hound of Z-list celebrity Berlin Chilton, who translates for her pooch. “Mr. Fuzzykins says that you shouldn’t listen to this drama queen, and he wants everyone to know that it isn’t at all a burden to him that he’s always short of breath and small enough to live in a mini purse. It just makes him more adorable! Isn’t that right, baby? Designer pets represent a person’s right to choose, and these activists want to take that away. We should be encouraging and funding selective breeding so that we can create even much more cuter pets!”
  3. “I agree with Ms. Chilton, but it’s not just about choice — this is my livelihood!” whimpers the owner of a local pet shop. “I’m already tied up in knots by bureaucratic diktats that force me to spend my hard-earned chips just to be issued licenses telling me what I can and can’t sell and how many bodies I need to run the shop. The government needs to stop pandering to the feelings of those who want to ruin my business and relax the rules on poor pet shop owners like me. Oh, and can I get a genetic sample from that excellent dog?”
  4. “Leader, such animals present us with an interesting opportunity,” proclaims your Junior Minister of War, snatching Mr. Fuzzykins from his irate owner. “This dog may not look like an awesome weapon of destruction now, but with some selective breeding and a lot of gene editing, we could have a whole battalion of elite canine warriors! We need to get ahead of countries like Dàguó — they’ve already created super muscular beagles with the help of genome engineering. With your approval, Mr. Fuzzykins here can become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are prohibited from raising their voice above thirty decibels in commercial districts.

2021-04-20 22:00

Preach It!

Street preachers delivering their sermons and self-proclaimed salvation have been popping up all over Random Chaos.

  1. “These people chase all of my customers away!” exclaims restaurateur Wei Caldwell. “I own a premier establishment in downtown Random Chaos City. Every day I lose more and more business thanks to these crazy bigots and extremists rambling on about the ‘end times’ and ‘confessing our sins’! One of them tried to convert my cook! For the sake of every business owner in the nation, you must ban street preaching.”
  2. “What about my right to speak the truth?” questions Brian Hill, who often holds impromptu ‘sermons’ outside of government buildings. “As opposed to popular belief, I do not preach hate. I am the deliverer of salvation and you shall not interfere! All Random Chaosians are equal before our Creator and will be judged irrespective of wealth or status! Follow me and together we will be prepared to face the end days to come!”
  3. “There is a better way to go about this,” suggests Heather Payne, your Minister of Compromises. “The most common complaints against street preaching are on the grounds of harassment and noise pollution. I say the most logical approach is to administer permits to those who wish to speak on public property, with a police presence to make sure they don’t cause any trouble. That’s fair, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, machine-peeled candied grapes come in individual packaging for the busy commuter.

2021-04-20 16:00

Trouble Brewing

This morning’s strategy meeting was brought to a grinding halt when you and your cabinet were subjected to the worst pot of tea you have ever had the misfortune of suffering. The leaves weren’t properly brewed, the milk was skimmed AND powdered, the water was lukewarm, and the sugar bowl was full of salt...

  1. “Oh gosh Leader, I’m so sorry I don’t know how to make your boiled leaf water,” spits Monica, the ever-sarcastic secretary responsible for the offending brew. “I was busy learning trivialities like typing, minute-taking, IT skills, and calendar organising. How about you all drink Eckie-cola from now on, instead? In fact, you should get rid of tea from the whole of Random Chaos: it’s a drink for old farts and fuddy-duddies anyway.”
  2. “Look, I’m the Secretary of State, the damn Secretary of State, I say, and even I know how to make tea properly,” complains your elderly Secretary of State, pointing to the desk nameplate that says Secretary of State. “The problem with young people today, well, besides being constantly glued to their Pear Phones, is that they don’t know how to slow down and take their time. We should make tea-making and kitchen skills a part of the national curriculum, and encourage all those teenagers and twenty-somethings to stop rushing around, and to appreciate a proper tea service.”
  3. “Pfft, slow-mo food and drink is so last century,” mocks Waldo Caesar, your Chief of Science, while digging into his microwave burrito. “What you need is instant tea, in a can, with some sort of heating widget that triggers with the ring pull, and plenty of preservatives to make it last. Once again, science has the answer! So, shall I assign some government grants for food technology research, or what?”
  4. “Oolongs for better tea?” giggles Bodhi Hester, your pun-loving Minister of Agriculture, and your Cabinet brace themselves for an onslaught of tea-related puns. “Can we Matcha solution to the problem? Can we Rize to the occasion? Did you read that report I Sencha? Did I get things down to a tea, my Darjeelings?” In the face of blank faces and silence, he changes tack. “Uh... anyway, coffee. Coffee is easier to make and nicer. Subsidise coffee growers.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's green cities are indeed concrete jungles.

2021-04-20 10:00

LEEDing From Behind

A new administrative building for the Environmental Department is under fire from watchdog groups. An investigation found — among other things — that valuable wetland was drained for the foundation, unsustainable materials were used during construction, and energy-inefficient methods were chosen for the mechanical systems.

  1. “The government needs to do better,” tuts Grace English, an activist planted outside the department building. “All government agencies must be required to undergo an environmental impact assessment before any proposed action — building or otherwise. Not only do agencies need to report critical habitat affected as well as embodied energy costs for materials, et cetera; they must be required to follow the most environmentally friendly option possible. If even one thing is found out of place, a project shouldn’t be allowed to go through. The conservation benefits are certainly worth it in the end.”
  2. “There’s no way that our government could afford the highest level of environmental certifications on every government building!” excitedly cautions Llywelyn MacDonald, the Treasury Minister. “However, I do realize the need for our nation to be environmentally responsible. Go through with mandating a permitting process, but only for non-government construction! Let us take over the process of awarding green certification so that we can charge fees for everyone. This will be great for our nation’s treasury and our environment!”
  3. “There’s no reason to go through with this,” urges your Minister of Housing whilst urinating on a potted plant. “In fact, I say we teach these radical hippies a lesson. I have a list of the fragile habitats surrounding Random Chaos City, home to some useless endangered snail species that no one cares about except these annoying tree huggers. I’ve also got three orders filed for United Federation granite — I hear they recently opened up one of their national parks for mining. Just say the word, and these ecofascists will be living their worst nightmare. Maybe then they’ll get the message.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Subsidized Industry and the Top 10% for Most Advanced Defense Forces.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Compulsory Consumerist State" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the central politburo bears the fruits of everyone's labor.

2021-04-20 04:00

Tempted by the Fruit of Another

A fruit juicing plant owned by farming conglomerate Gambler Farms proved unprofitable and was closed down when everything went pear-shaped, with local employees laid off in their hundreds. A few weeks later, its former workers broke through the padlocked gates and brought the machines inside back to life, starting a collectivist Random Chaosian Manufacturing Workers’ Co-operative which soon turned a modest profit. Now the buildings’ owners want their factory back. The workers’ co-op has met the police in the streets, and things are about to go bananas.

  1. “This factory is mine! I have the deed right here!” yells Gambler Farms majority shareholder Severus MacIntyre from the safety of a sea of well-armored riot police. “How do you like them apples? Really, it’s precisely this sort of commie nonsense that is responsible for the economic downturn in Random Chaos to begin with! Everyone knows these lazy peasants don’t have the plums to build a real enterprise. But, now that MY factory is turning a profit again, I’m happy to buy their labor! You know, at a small discount.”
  2. “Oh, so you have some quaint little deed? Who gives a fig?” asks Kimberly Sims, an award-winning documentary maker, while simultaneously signing copies of her new book The Shock Logo. “Why does the law protect the rights of failed business owners while leaving the workers out in the cold? Haven’t these workers also invested their very lives into this factory? Life gave them lemons, and they made lemonade! Don’t sacrifice their families and their lives to that bunch of sour grapes... Change the law to allow workers to take direct and democratic control of abandoned factories!”
  3. “Look, this ‘self-management’ thing sounds all peachy keen, but it just plays into the same tired capitalist narrative,” says red turtleneck-clad political theorist Bob Berenstein, while wrinkling his nose at a tattoo-laden protester. “Characterizing the suffering of the working class as merely an ‘investment’ plays directly into the hands of the bourgeoisie. And what do a bunch of pea-brained individuals know about proper management anyway? Can one factory provide jobs for all? Clearly, the state should seize factories for the good of all Random Chaosians!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader can often be seen hanging around playgrounds chatting with the kids.

2021-04-19 22:00

Hobby Lobby

A recent poll has suggested that many ordinary people don’t consider national leader Leader to be very ‘relatable’. Your advisers are perplexed as to the reasons why, and have suggested that taking up a hobby might boost your ratings, as well as tell the people what sort of person you are.

  1. “Everybody in The Hatrackia loves basketball,” exaggerates famed athlete Kim Hyde, dribbling on your carpet. “Catch! Pass it here! Look at that: Nothing but net.”
  2. Dance instructor Tarquin Pond waltzes into your office. He takes your hand and begins a foxtrot. “Isn’t this invigorating? Come, let me teach you to pirouette around delicate situations you may encounter.”
  3. “Crikey!” nature documentarian Wendy Wessex exclaims, creeping into your office. “What we’ve got ‘ere is a politician in its natural ‘abitat. If only it would get outside and let its wild side out, it wouldn’t have near so many national crises to deal with.”
  4. Your nephew appears and rolls a set of dice on your desk. “According to my manual of Castles & Kobolds, I just rolled a 20 on my Charisma-check for you to game with me. Come on, we need a healer: got a fizzy Eckie-Cola here with your name on it.”
  5. Flat-cap wearing Heritage Locomotive Enthusiast Barack Dixon snorts in laughter at the geekiness on display. “You’ll be wantin’ a proper hobby: model engines, to show yer love of craftsmanship, and of steel, steam and smoke.”
  6. “Just tell them your hobbies are reading, and walking, and socialising,” suggests CV-writer Herschel Leach. “That way nobody can judge you or form conclusions about you.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no cul-de-sac or trailer park is complete without a gambling parlor.

2021-04-19 16:00

Betting on the Future

During a family dinner, your brother - who is well-known for his fondness for slot machines - bemoaned the fact that his favorite casino was going out of business. The next day, you found out that he has secretly arranged to have several major casino owners meet you in your office.

  1. Edward Rump, owner of the failing casino, shakes your hand for an awkwardly extended period of time. “There are so many problems for honest businessmen like me. That’s what they’re all saying. Believe me, the worst is the terrible zoning and property laws in our nation today. The worst. We need to have our casinos in the best places to reach the very very best people. These laws are destroying our nation. Bigly. Without them, it’ll be amazing. Only the best, I’m telling you. You’ll have so much money, you’ll be sick of money.”
  2. “No, you’ve got it all backwards,” says ‘Portly’ Pete Russo, board member of the Random Chaosian Gambling Commission, comping you a ‘free drink’ from your own drinks cabinet. “What’s killin’ us are those taxes of yours. They’re highway robbery! Shift the tax burden from us to income tax and I bet we’d be able to increase our operations and bring in even bigger hauls that’d more’n make up the difference. Seriously, I’ll give you two-to-one odds, what’d you say? Anyway, we’re the lifeblood of the economy, and you wouldn’t want to be the one responsible for bumpin’ off an industry that nets ya so much dough, now would ya?”
  3. Your brother, who has been eavesdropping the whole time through your office door’s keyhole, interrupts the group. “How about instead we use tax money to purchase credit for casinos and then distribute that credit to every taxpayer? That way they’re basically getting a tax break and there’s an incentive for people to try these really entertaining games. Oh - totally unrelated - but could you lend me some money again?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, biological warfare is used to solve small disagreements.

2021-04-19 10:00

Poplar Opinion

As a symbol of historic cultural ties, the nation of Brancaland has gifted Random Chaos a dozen Brancalandian Spiked Aspen trees. These were ceremonially planted in the famed Jellostain National Park. Unfortunately, it’s now been discovered that the trees are host to a parasitic fungus endemic to Brancaland, which is now spreading and ravaging the local woodland.

  1. “Let’s not panic!” says one of your diplomats, panicking. “Brancaland had good intentions, but we need to contain the spread before the entire nation is infected. Luckily the fungal infestation is only in this part of the park, so let’s enclose the section with the trees with a glass bio-dome, and allow access only to a select few. We can import more Brancalandian flora and dedicate the arboretum to our nations’ enduring friendship.”
  2. “You don’t know what this fungus can do,” flatly states Forestry Commission Warrant Officer Elaine Wipley, with the look of a shell-shocked veteran. “If one of those spores gets out there, that’s it! Taking off and nuking the site from orbit is the only way to be sure. No? Well, at the very least, you need to send the army in with flamethrowers, to burn everything in a three-mile radius.”
  3. “It’s too late for the park,” whispers General Cody ‘Iron Eyes’ de Corti, shedding a single tear as he surveys the devastation. “They destroyed our park; we can destroy theirs too. You should allow us to covertly release the Random Chaosian Destroying Angel Fungi over the Brancalandian pine forests. Let the invaders feel our pain.”
  4. “Fungus is Good, repeat with me, Fungus is Good,” intones eccentric mycologist Innsmouth Yugov offering you a strange-smelling bowl of mushroom stew. “Let the blessed fungus spread freely. In fact, deliberately spread it to every forest in Random Chaos. Do it or there will be truffle, I mean trouble. The blessed mycelium will give strength to our nation as it infiltrates our soil. You understand? Yes. Me go, now. Me go.” He hands you a mysterious book, then chants in an indecipherable language.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Compulsory Consumerist State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos's nuclear power is imported from neighbouring countries.

2021-04-19 04:00

Random Chaos Narrowly Misses Nuclear Accident

When everyone in a city of northern Random Chaos coincidentally flushed their toilets at the same time, it nearly caused a meltdown at the local nuclear power plant. Now, protesters have taken to the streets over the possible safety hazards of such structures.

  1. “These plants are a constant danger to our environment and our way of life! They must be banned!” shouts Warwick Parkarvarkar, pointing dramatically at the sky. “Day by day they churn radiation into our air and into our water! They dump toxic waste in our soil and do, ooh, terrible things! Yes, miners, nuclear engineers, scientists, et cetera will lose their jobs and electrical power prices will soar, but it’s worth it to know my town isn’t going to suddenly become a glowing crater.”
  2. “This is being blown way, way out of proportion,” says Boris Vercingetorix, the power plant’s supervisor. “Nuclear power is perhaps one of the safest sources of electrical power. This was an isolated incident; the fact that it DID happen is enough to make me believe pigs are going to start sprouting wings! All of these over-the-top safety rules are just eating away at the budget anyway. Cut us some slack, eh? I can promise you that this will never, ever, ever happen again. Probably.”
  3. “I agree that this isn’t likely to ever happen again,” says Catherine Gratwick, the leader of a neighbouring nation. “But cutting down on safety is just a bad idea. If your government is in need of the cash then how about you let my nation outsource our power plants to you? It’s simple: we pay you money to run power plants under our supervision in your nation that will power my country. It’ll lower your unemployment rates, it’ll boost your economy, it will truly show that your nation is part of modern times. Think about it for a moment.”
  4. “Uh... you do realise she’s just saying this because she doesn’t want a nuclear disaster happening on her turf, right?” says Harriet Croft, one of your elite circle of international spies. “What I suggest is that we do the same thing - pay some poorer country to take on our nuclear power plants. It’s great! We get all the benefits of nuclear power with none of the risks! The only problem is the cost, but we can take that out of the education budget, it’s bloated enough as it is.”
  5. “I think we simply need to be more careful,” says Luigi Kiefaber, your Minister of Safety. “There may be an issue with these plants, which can only be solved by upgrading to the latest state-of-the-art safety systems. There may be an issue with the employees which can only be solved by stringent training and only hiring the best of the best. I’m not going to lie to you, it will be very expensive, but the people need a stable supply of electricity, not worries of mutated radioactive monsters eating people’s brains. Seriously.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's considered a valid legal defence to say "a demon made me do it".

2021-04-18 22:00

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

After twelve years of detective work, notorious serial killer Barbie Lecter has finally been apprehended by the authorities. During questioning, it became apparent that she had already guiltily confessed her crimes in great detail ten years ago, but only to a local priest. He not only forgave her, but chose to keep the confession secret. Now the police have arrested the clergyman, claiming ten years of police work and five more murders were at least partly the result of this silence.

  1. “The confessional seal and the absolute duty of non-disclosure are core tenets of our beliefs,” explains cleric Oswald Weber, from his police cell. “Our holy texts command that we offer forgiveness to the truly repentant. At that time, the woman was incredibly shaken by the crimes she had committed. I make no apologies for acting as I did. Secular law enforcement is your concern, while my concern is the immortal souls of all mankind. Let’s keep the two separate, shall we?”
  2. “The guilty will say anything to save their skin,” growls police officer Mia Deming, who always plays the ‘bad cop’ during interrogations. “In all honesty, I don’t give a flying gambler turd what this crackpot’s religion tells him. He is an accessory to murder, and because he didn’t call the police like a responsible citizen, five young victims are dead! Religion doesn’t entitle you to break the law. As long as you live in Random Chaos, you abide by OUR laws, not your phoney-baloney god’s.”
  3. “Holy laws do indeed transcend the puny rules of the mundane!” declares the elderly former leader of The Flying Suns UFO cult, emerging from his underground bunker for the first time in decades. “Laws of faith come straight from infallible divinity, not from weak and fallible Man! All religions understand this truth, no matter who they worship, so all religions must have the right to put their holy beliefs ahead of mortal law. If you do not heed this warning, you will all perish in a fiery hell-storm when the Ancient Discs of Mu return from beyond the stars!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, octogenarian swimsuit models insist that they've still got it.

2021-04-18 16:00

No Country for Old Men

After several incidents which resulted in the loss of millions of chips have been discovered to be caused by senility and feebleness, concerned financial and medical professionals are wondering if retirement should be made mandatory at a certain age.

  1. “It’s not really such a bad idea,” suggests Wally Harman, your middle-aged medical adviser while checking your pulse to see if you’re still alive. “You see, when some people reach a certain age, they become too weak and mentally incompetent to do their job. Therefore, we need to impose mandatory retirement so our nation wouldn’t have to put up with things like that senile 95-year-old rickshaw driver who caused that day-long traffic jam on the highway. Of course, we mustn’t be cruel: we should also provide better pensions for them so they’ll be content in their dotage.”
  2. “Our age has nothing to do with the... uh... what was it... the wild gambler hybrids rampaging through Random Chaos City!” states bumbling security guard Bongani O'Leary, who didn’t hear the stampede of hybrids escaping the lab due to a malfunctioning hearing aid. “So you people think that just because we’re old, we can’t do our jobs? Well guess what? I’ve seen younger people who are more lazy, inefficient, and more... something than a sloth! Retirement and firing should be based on capabilities, not age!”
  3. “Why bother with retirement anyway?” asks Castiel Vader, a rather young basket weaving CEO whose employees consist mostly of his ageing relatives. “I mean, the only reason it exists is just so old people can laze around doing nothing, right? So why don’t we remove it altogether and make it so that people have to work no matter how old they are? Sure, incidents like that doctor who left his false teeth inside a patient might be more common than before; but that’s the price you have to pay for the sake of productivity.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Tourism facilities are being turned into gambler habitats.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Corporate Police State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2021-04-18 10:00

Murder, He Shouted!

Your Chief Economic Adviser, Mr. Shylock Holmes, was found dead in your office with several stab wounds in his back early this morning. A baffled Random Chaos City P.D. has called in the assistance of world-renowned Lilliputian private investigator Mr. Marple to help untangle the mystery. After several hours of thorough investigation, the notoriously eccentric detective has called all the suspects to the parlour.

  1. “You can’t possibly think it was me,” states Colonel Custard, the victim’s old business partner, while trying to hide a red stained shirtsleeve. “He and I were the best of friends. In fact, I was paying him under the table to give you terrible advice that would favour my company; why would I kill him? If anything, it was probably that harlot secretary of yours. I know for a fact they’ve been getting it on all over your desk when you leave the office. This is clearly the result of a sordid affair gone wrong; arrest that minx! And while we’re at it, throw a tiny tax break in my direction. It’s what he would’ve wanted.”
  2. “Lies, all lies!” your young secretary Miss O’Hara hisses aggressively at Col. Custard. “He was no friend of yours, or those polluting Tourism facilities you have set up everywhere. He was a tender soul, and our love made him a new man; yes, with such a big heart, no wonder the old man had so much blood in him! He was going to propose cutting every one of those subsidies propping up your business, and you knew it!” O’Hara turns back to face you with crocodile tears forming in her eyes. “Leader, I demand you have that greedy phoney arrested, and then convert his corporate holdings into a series of national parks! It’s what my love would’ve wanted.”
  3. “Silence!” shouts Detective Marple, as he stops grooming his impeccable moustache in one of your antique mirrors and walks to the centre of the room. “Mon Dieu, enough with the talking of the words and the pointing of the fingers. The Great Marple hears nothing but the jibber and the jabber. The old friend, the foxy secretary; such clichés! Are any of you cold-blooded enough to have done this deed? I say, non! When you add it all up, there is really only the one solution. Only one in this room deserves to be put in the little grey cell.” The elderly detective then proceeds towards your desk, and retrieves a quite exquisite candlestick from one of your drawers. “It was you, Leader! It was you who stabbed and stabbed with the stick that holds the candles until he was no more! All out of fear for your young and dashing advisor outshining you. Take the murderer away, Chief Inspector Snickers; I am disgusted by their presence.”
  4. “Oh my Violet, this is just like the ending of ‘The Maxtopian Falcon’,” opines amateur filmmaker Professor Prune, who inexplicably appears from your closet. “You are being framed, Leader. It was the detective all along. He killed your adviser just so he could take the case and make headlines for putting you away for murder! You need to hold him responsible, and the rest of the Random Chaos City P.D. too, for that matter, for being too slow to realize his ploy!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Extensive Public Healthcare.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, some say Leader has gone MAD after authorizing the development of apocalyptic biological weapons.

2021-04-18 04:30

How Leader Learned to Start Worrying and Fear Bio-Weapons

Random Chaos’s top scientists have accidentally stumbled upon a new ultra-potent bio-weapon while trying to grow more four-leafed clovers. In response, you’ve called a meeting in your war room to decide what shall be done with the new discovery.

  1. “Might makes right,” states General Hugo Santiago. “With so many nations with nuclear weapons, how can we stay safe? I say we use this discovery as a doomsday device! If any other nation tries to nuke us, we activate it! Besides, it’ll be a lot cheaper to develop this rather than an entire tactical nuclear counter-measure arsenal. This way, we’ll reach a state of mutually assured destruction with other nations on the cheap.”
  2. “Idiotic, short-sighted drivel!” screams Minerva Archer, your Minister of Health. “This disease has the potential to spread across the entire world in days, and you’d just keep it sitting around? We cannot allow this virus to ever see the light of day. You must quarantine the entire facility and destroy this virus and any research related to it. For the safety of - ack!” She is interrupted by the General shoving her from her seat.
  3. “There’s no fighting in here, this is a war room!” shouts Dr. Oddfoot, while rolling up to you in his wheelchair. “Though I would love to develop this weapon fuhrer... erm, further, I must advise against it. The deployment of such a bio-weapon would have unpredictable, albeit entertaining, consequences. However, we can’t simply ignore this discovery; it will be only a matter of time until another nation discovers this weapon. We must research an antidote. We’ll need money and a few brave, ill-informed test subjects, but it’ll be well worth it to prevent an enemy strike!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, crowded passenger trains are near-silent save for the soft tap of fingers on touchscreens.

2021-04-17 23:30

Mobile Maladies

Recent technological developments in mobile phones are raising concerns from your citizens about the possible harm they are doing to the modern generation.

  1. “Everyone is just staring at their phone screens these days!” messages anti-mobile lobbyist Evan Ives, via the WotsOn chat service. “Between social media, augmented reality games and personal assistant software, people now spend more time looking at and talking to their phones than they do interacting with real people! Let’s not forget the dangers of these distracting devices either: inattentive driving, pedestrian collisions, eye strain, repetitive strain injuries... They’ve caused more deaths than exploding cupboards, the ironing board, and Godzilla put together. I say we create just one hour every lunchtime where everybody is obliged to keep their phones off. Let’s rediscover the art of conversation!”
  2. “This is utter nonsense. Mobile phones are nothing other than beneficial to society! I’ll have you know that not one of our privately-funded studies has found the slightest bit of evidence to the contrary!” argues Lana Pong, CEO of Amber Phones, gesturing towards a wiggly line on a clipboard as she nonchalantly slips a wad of chips into your back pocket. “Have you ever seen anyone drop dead in the street just because they were chatting on one of our new uPhone85 models for sale now at low, low prices? No! It’s just blatant scaremongering! I implore the government to dismiss these crackpots’ complaints.”
  3. “I don’t believe they’re harmful either,” says Rick Wheeler, a teacher. “But it’s obvious to everyone what a detrimental effect it has on our children! Everywhere I look, I’m seeing children as young as four tapping away at the blasted things! Do you know how many lessons I’ve had interrupted by the ‘Crazy Gambler’ ringtone, or by little Timmy saying there’s a collectable Pokeachew under my desk? Do you know how many of my pupils think ‘great’ is spelled with a number? Too many! Only adults should be allowed to own and use mobile phones!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wait staff claim to like it when odorous customers flirt with them.

2021-04-17 16:00

Tipping Point

While glancing down at your doughnut receipt and trying to calculate percentages in your head, you are reminded that many service-industry employees rely on tips to supplement their income. Recently, analysts have suggested that it is the tips themselves that create the low baseline wages.

  1. “Look, us restaurateurs don’t like gratuity-based economics either,” complains Billy Rolfe, proprietor of trendy inner-city eatery The Random Chaos City Pyramid. “In fact, we trialed going tip-free and incorporating the costs of a decent salary into the bill. Do you know what happened? We lost customers! A higher visible menu price, and the loss of the diners’ feeling of power, meant patrons went elsewhere! The only way to fix this is government legislation, banning tipping and regulating the industry. A national approach will level the playing field, which will be good for workers, and good for our profits.”
  2. “Hi, my name’s Gillian and I’m just tickled pink to be your coffee server today!” chirps a frankly stunning barista with a huge smile on her face as she hands you a perfect cappuccino with a marshmallow on top. “Leader, I don’t get paid a lot, but I’m more than happy to do what I can to earn your tips! It’s a great motivation to keep me working hard to make you, my customer, super-duper happy! And if good-looking ethnic-majority twenty-something tight-trousered folk like me end up earning a bit more than most, well that’s the wonderful thing about the free market! Roll the dice!!”
  3. “There’s definitely something in what she’s saying,” suggests your brother, tossing a few small denomination coins onto the counter, to the barista’s disappointment. “Maybe we could all learn from that. I reckon it’d be good if politicians had a tiny baseline wage too, but were allowed to earn tips by pleasing the people. Or at least, by pleasing the people that are willing to show their appreciation with cold, hard cash.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, soldiers find that home gadgets and power tools are more effective as improvised weapons than the guns they've been issued.

2021-04-17 10:00

I’ve Got My Ion You

Thanks to a marathon of military sci-fi films at Random Chaos High Command’s recent movie night, most of the four-star generals and senior officers in the Random Chaosian armed forces are abuzz with enthusiasm about next generation weaponry. In particular, there’s growing excitement around the idea of plasma weaponry: that is, the use of projected superheated ionized hydrogen gas to destroy your enemies.

  1. “PEW! PEW! PEW! Just think of the possibilities, Leader!” exclaims Professor Stefanie Graves, an experimental physicist who has been seconded to your military, proudly displaying a clay model of a gnarly-looking plasma cannon. “We can make plasma flamethrowers, plasma machine guns, plasma ship cannon, plasma howitzers, plasma knives, basically plasma anything! With sheer firepower, we’d be able to overpower anything and anybody! We’re... just a bit low on funding... so can you buy us the gear we need?”
  2. “But this is going to be the hottest new thing,” interjects Barbie Mulcair, CEO of HydrogenScience Corp. “You have to let the private sector in on the profits! Just share with us any early data and blueprints you have, and we’ll give your nation special discount rates when we sell plasma weaponry to the world. Oh, we’ll also need permission to sell plasma pistols and rifles to your citizenry as well! The only way to stop a bad guy with a plasma rifle is a good guy with a plasma rifle: access to white-hot killing power is the fundamental right of every man, woman and child!”
  3. “This stuff is far too unstable to be deployed as a weapon of war!” yelps pacifist physician and aid worker Dr. Filipe Tano. “For the good of the nation and international peace, you should be concentrating solely on the healthcare and industry applications of plasma and laser devices.” He then proceeds to spray-paint a peace sign on your desk.
  4. “I think we can compromise,” offers grey-suited logistician Lauren Cesternino, looking worriedly over the latest prices of neodymium and high-output capacitors. “How about we simply stop this plasma weaponry research, and instead divert the money to buying tried-and-tested conventional weaponry?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Unexpected Death Rate.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prankster scientists legally change their names to silly pseudonyms before major discoveries.

2021-04-17 04:00

A Periodic Issue of Elementary Nature

Your Science Minister has convinced you to go to a party being thrown by Random Chaos’s leading scientists to celebrate the successful synthesis of a new element at Random Chaos City University. The element itself decays within microseconds, but that hasn’t stopped the party from dragging on for hours. Your attention has finally been sparked as a massive debate over the name of the element has broken out. The situation threatens to become as unstable as the element itself, and people are looking to you for a solution.

  1. “I believe the answer to this issue is as simple as polynomial quadratic expressions to those possessing acceptable levels of neural tissue,” yells Falala Trudeau, the leader of the research team responsible for the discovery, while attempting to disrupt the gaggle of boffins around her by swinging her phone wildly and playing lightsaber noises. “It should be named after me. I discovered it after all. That makes it the optimal method to utilise when naming newly created elements.”
  2. “I disagree with that hypothesis,” begins Ken Clark, head of the Advanced Superheavy Synthesis and Electrochemistry Society in a calm monotone whilst sipping from a glass of dihydrogen monoxide. “The correct name for this element would be Unseptnineteenbillionium in accordance with the regulations of my organisation. Any other name would only inhibit clarity to chemists across the world.” Whilst saying this, he unravels a periodic table and writes a five-letter symbol in the position of the new element.
  3. “I have an even better idea,” claims your cousin, using a megaphone to be heard over the sodium-level volatile debate now occurring at the party. “Why not name it after you? This element could make us well known as the scientific leaders of the world! Besides, who else is more worthy of such an honour? In fact, why not extend it a bit further and name every element after glorious leaders of our nation?”
  4. “Woah, woah, woah!” gasps an increasingly incredulous undergrad, who happens to be passing by a window on the way to the library. “How the heck are we supposed to remember anything about it from names like that? We should name the elements after what they actually do! Like this new one can be called ‘Lastslessthanamillisecondium’. That’ll make it way easier for us all to make any sense of this stuff.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the education system is famed for its taxing exams.

2021-04-16 22:00

Test Results Deemed ‘Ungood’ After Global Survey

In a worldwide survey, it has been revealed that Random Chaos’s population has been graded ‘dim’ by international comparison.

  1. “These results are terrible!” wails Eve James, a concerned teacher. “Something has to be done, and done quickly, if anyone’s going to take today’s youth seriously. It’s high time we started to promote our gifted children; it is they who are the ones that bring us forward! The rest of today’s youth shouldn’t worry though, a basic education should be enough for a factory worker.”
  2. “This is indeed a problem, and I believe it’s a result of the social inequality in Random Chaos,” comments Kanye Powell, a well-known social reformer. “It is obvious that students from different social classes will score differently in the tests. We can’t condemn all these kids to a life of inferiority because of a gifted minority. Instead we should make sure that everyone can follow the lessons! Lower the teaching level, so that even the less intellectually-orientated can keep up with the class. The nerds can always teach themselves; it would be unfair to provide them with extra funds after all.”
  3. “This is stupid, it would ruin our nation’s population of skilled workers!” says Peggy Wickwire, a college professor. “There’s never enough able-minded citizens for the more specialised careers. We must force our less-intelligent to learn! Get their noses right against the grindstone! Let’s raise the bar a bit so even our best students have to sweat whilst learning! The others will of course be forced to learn even more to keep in touch, but that just shows them how real life works. To fund it, well, our defence budget is already too large, if you ask me.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's diplomats shake hands with those whose hands are drenched in the blood of innocents.

2021-04-16 16:00

Have War Crimes, Will Travel

A small disputed strip of land in your sphere of influence has been in a state of civil war for decades. Random Chaos has been approached by the international community to hold the first round of peace talks. Unfortunately, Colonel Idi Amore, the self-styled revolutionary in charge of the Popular Freedom Fighters with multiple warrants for war crimes against him, will have to be issued a safe conduct pass to attend the talks without fear of arrest.

  1. “The Popular Freedom Fighters are a disgusting group!” yells Malon Dahl, a grief-stricken refugee. “They killed my father, razed our village, and ruined my stamp collection! I say you invite their jerk of a leader into Random Chaos, then you have your police arrest the monster! It’s the only way justice can be served.”
  2. “You can’t seriously be considering this!” exclaims overworked diplomat Severus Kringle. “We’ve been working for years to bring peace to this region. He may have blood on his hands, but so do the other sixteen sides in this war. A sudden power vacuum will just prolong the hostilities! We have a real chance of securing a lasting peace here, surely that’s worth overlooking a couple of mass murders?”
  3. “This really is a bind,” muses your trusted advisor Ali Romero. “If we arrest him on our soil, we will forever be known as people who breach our safe conduct passes. If we let him go, we will let a wanted war criminal slip through our fingers. The solution is plain: refuse to hold the talks. I’m sure they can figure it out without us looking over their shoulder.”
  4. “We want this warlord gone, but don’t want to look bad because of it,” whispers Agent Cobblepot from behind an oversized potted plant. “Give this individual safe conduct, let him do his thing and if some kind of terrible accident were to befall our dear friend... how could you possibly have known that ceiling beam was going to fall on his head?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the undead are an officially recognised ethnic minority (Random Chaos has found 1 easter egg).

2021-04-16 10:00

Easter Egg: Zombie Attack!

The dead are rising from their graves to feast on the flesh of the living! Currently, only Gambler City has been affected. An immediate quarantine has been placed on the city, but with time running out for the survivors an emergency meeting has been called to decide what to do.

  1. “You have to destroy the city!” gasps Doris Meyer, one of the few who escaped before the quarantine. “It’s hell in there! If those things manage to escape then the whole country, nay the whole WORLD is doomed! We must send our biggest bombs into those streets and wipe them out!”
  2. “No, there are people in there who need our help,” says Jacob Strange, armed with a Winchester rifle. “We can’t leave them to the mercy of the undead hordes. I say before we blow anything up we call in the army and anyone else willing to help, go in, track down any survivors we can find, and get them out. It’s dangerous, but it’s got to be done.”
  3. “I think we should study these creatures,” muses Professor Naomi Butt, expert in biological warfare. “Zombiism? Reanimated dead tissue? Fascinating! This is a golden opportunity for our nation... why, we could unleash these on our enemies! Everyone would shake in terror of our undead army!”
  4. “Wow, these unholy terrors are really scary,” notes Wally Hesse, selling sausages in buns to bystanders. “They would make a great honeypot. I mean, how often do you see the living dead?! We could really turn a profit if we turn this place into a first-class thrill ride for visiting tourists. Want mustard?”
  5. “I think we’re forgetting that these ‘zombies’ are people just like you and me!” objects Bongani Pasteur, head of the newly-formed Undead Protection Alliance. “They deserve the respect that any deceased person should, if not more! Leave them alone, and let them have the city. It will be a victory for oppressed minorities everywhere!”
  6. “Braaains... braaains...?” asks ardent anti-quarantine activist Harley Wagner. “Braaains... braaains... braaains!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has adopted a "Lightning Never Strikes Twice" approach to dealing with natural disasters.

2021-04-16 04:00

Great Balls of Fire!

Random Chaos is abuzz with news of a huge meteorite - dubbed ‘Big Max’ by the media - which smashed into a large town on the outskirts of Random Chaos City yesterday, killing thousands and leaving behind nothing but a smouldering crater.

  1. “We can’t let a little old boulder get the best of us!” bellows Magnus Vasquez, a burly military official. “We have to fight back! Show ‘em what we’re made of! With a little funding, we could develop some terrific new weapons for the next bit of flying rock that dares to threaten us! Nuke it to smithereens! If ever there was a time to prepare for space warfare, it is now!”
  2. “That’s all well and good,” interjects Professor Sashona Cooper, leading scientist at the Random Chaos Meteorological Office. “Except that the chances of a fall of this magnitude occurring twice in the same area are miniscule at worst. I propose you direct your funding to the real issue here - rebuilding the homes and properties that have been lost, and tending to the injured and traumatised. As soon as we’ve removed what’s left of Big Max for studying, you can make a start.”
  3. “Remove the greatest phenomenon Random Chaos has ever seen?!” cries Anne-Marie Kettering, the famous museum tycoon. “Surely you can envisage the profit that could be had here? We should be opening the site for tourists! Think of the possibilities - guided tours, gift shops, theme parks! You don’t want to build on top of all that potential, do you? Besides, the old residents are all dead now anyway! I’m sure this is what they would have wanted.”
  4. “All of these ideas are either costly, ridiculous or both!” snorts your Spiritual Advisor, leaning over your desk. “Your people are frightened and vulnerable right now. They don’t want you to take action; they want you to tell them it’ll all be okay. We could use this! Tell them Big Max was a warning from the heavens! Strike the fear of the Mighty One into their hearts and they’ll do whatever you tell them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a performance of the hit musical "Mamma Tua" has been delayed after squatters were found sleeping in the orchestra pit.

2021-04-15 22:00

You Can’t Always Get What You Squat

After a group of unemployed students were found living in a disused furniture factory in Random Chaos City, landowners and law enforcement have become concerned with rising squatting levels in abandoned buildings.

  1. “It’s time the government took action against squatting: it’s disgusting and it has to be stopped!” complains business mogul Themba Cook. “These degenerates are disrespecting the factory I built up through hard work, and they have no right to trespass on it as if it were their own! Never mind that half of my buildings are unoccupied and crumbling to the ground. We should be allowed to remove squatters using whatever force is necessary!”
  2. “What’s truly disgusting is how these corporate fat cats can be so unempathetic and cruel,” remarks social democrat Barry Kettering. “They’re hoarding abandoned old buildings waiting for the property market to improve so they can make a fortune selling them off to greedy developers for luxury apartment blocks - and all the while their fellow Random Chaosians are sleeping rough without a roof over their heads! We should enact a compulsory purchase on all buildings that are unoccupied for longer than six months, and turn them into affordable housing for the homeless so they won’t have to resort to squatting in some dirty old factory. I don’t need to tell you where we can get the money from.”
  3. “Maybe you’re looking for a solution in the wrong spot,” says a voice coming from your office closet. You open the door to discover Finlay Rifkin, roasting a chunk of something indeterminate and meaty over a makeshift fire. “What’s so bad about squatting? I mean, most of the buildings we live in are abandoned or unoccupied anyway. There will always be homeless people, and the government needs to acknowledge this and give us the right to live off the land, even if it’s someone else’s. Now close the door, you’re letting in a draft.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Corporate Police State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, computers are allowed but only just.

2021-04-15 16:00

Mice in the Walls

After a police raid discovered an entire load of smuggled peripheral devices and computer components hidden in the plasterboard walls of an abandoned warehouse, various groups have demanded to repeal the ban of computers.

  1. “When you outlawed computers you didn’t realise what you were doing!” argues Judas Bonaparte, hugging an illegal laptop protectively. “These are essential machines for business! For communication! For culture! For internet po... posterity! If you’ve got any sense you’ll repeal this ridiculous ban.”
  2. “Pfft, citizens with computers indeed,” says Palutena Hamilton, your Minister of Records, while riffling through a cetacean-sized pile of paperwork and ringing phones. “What a preposterous idea. But as Random Chaos grows, so do our problems. There is too much data to record, too many records to keep, and too many keeps to earn. We need to allow the government - and only the government - access to computers.”
  3. “Well, I suppose we could allow some leeway,” says Wolfgang Norris, your Minister of Proper Thinking. “Computers are handy for some things after all. But we should ban the internet outright - it’ll only give them ideas.”
  4. “Don’t you remember why we got rid of those devil machines in the first place?!” growls Charles Trump, flicking beads on an abacus. “First it’s all fun and games with things like ‘pixels’ and ‘folders’ but eventually they’ll rise up against their masters and reduce us to slaves! Banning computers was a good start, but it’s time we focused on eradicating all automated technology and focus on the handcrafts like basket weaving and carpentry.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a blood-red mark on the doorframe means a building must be passed over for destruction.

2021-04-15 10:00

Leader, Don’t Tear Down That Wall!

Plans to demolish a disused widget foundry in Random Chaos City have met unexpected controversy: work by Pranksy, the famous graffiti artist, has been discovered on its walls.

  1. “This looks to be a previously unknown work from his early ‘puke-green stick figures’ phase,” proclaims popular art-lover and broadcaster Melvyn Blogg. “The building must be preserved in its entirety so that those masterpieces can still be seen in their rightful context!”
  2. “Graffiti? Bah!” exclaims Mayor Siko Foster. “This is just vandalism, and so-called ‘artists’ should be forced to clean it up. My cousin is in charge of the site, and I’ve given ourselves planning permission, so let’s go ahead with demolition. Economic progress can’t be held up by a few wall-doodles.”
  3. “Let’s compromise,” suggests Charles Sourcheese, a modern art collector. “Why not just remove the sections of the walls that bear Pranksy’s works into a suitable museum - such as, ahem, mine - and then let the rest of the old building be demolished? I’d appreciate that greatly, and you do know I’m one of your party’s most public supporters, don’t you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, would-be emigrants are told "abandon all hope all ye who would exit here".

2021-04-15 04:00

Two Countries and a Baby

The case of baby May Hendrikson has captured the hearts of the nation. Born with a devastating neurological disease that has impacted her entire nervous system, the young girl has been left in a vegetative state, her organs shutting down. Doctors claim she has no hope for recovery, and have received a court ruling to discontinue life support. On the day May’s parents tearfully prepare to say goodbye to their child, the neighbouring theocracy of Savoiia has granted the baby citizenship and demands that you intervene in the case and expatriate her for treatment.

  1. “Respectfully, as baby May is now a citizen of our beautiful and compassionate country, you will allow us to take her with us,” demands Steve Parkarvarkar, the Savoiian Ambassador to Random Chaos, as he sprinkles holy water on the child’s doctors. “We can offer her the care such a precious soul deserves. Our doctors will not only tend to her ailing body, but our people will pray for her immortal soul. We shall also work in hope of a cure, and who knows what untold miracles may come, years from now? And should she slip into the hands of Our Great Parent, then at least it will be at Their will, and not at the whim of capricious doctors. Do not give up on May. Do not condemn her to die. Release her to our custody.”
  2. “I implore you not to listen to this crackpot,” stresses Dr. Attila Vercingetorix, a representative of the hospital, putting his head in his hands. “Baby May is completely beyond the capabilities of modern medicine. For Violet’s sake, her condition is so rare, we can’t even be sure what it is. Of course I wish we could help her. No doctor wants to see their patient die. But to keep her alive is to harm her even further. Moving her now - even to another local hospital, let alone Savoiia - would cause unnecessary physiological stress and potential trauma; she probably wouldn’t survive the trip. Even if she does, she will inevitably die there, away from her extended family and supporters. Allow us to make her comfortable here so she can die in peace.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, airplane passenger seat sizes and ticket prices are both first-class.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Corporate Police State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2021-04-14 22:00

Cheek to Cheek

While in Random Chaos City Airport on your way to a major diplomatic summit, you observe a morbidly obese woman arguing with customer service after being charged for two seats because she simply could not fit into one. Unfortunately, in the middle of the kerfuffle she happened to notice you.

  1. “I demand you weigh in on the matter of airline seats!” angrily states the plus-sized woman while waddling into your entourage. “Here’s some food for thought: studies have shown genetics play an over-sized role in a person’s weight. Disability law needs to be expanded to acknowledge this! I may have some love handles, but I’m still just one person. I shouldn’t have to pay for two seats.”
  2. “Although Random Chaosian Air is happy to accommodate all legitimate disabilities,” states Jamil Hawke, a big shot Random Chaosian Air executive, “obesity simply doesn’t fit the bill. People who can’t squeeze into our seats should examine their life choices. Besides, if Random Chaosian Air just gave complimentary seats to everyone who asked, our profits would fall faster than a plane in a stall.”
  3. “I have an idea!” exclaims Natalie Organa, founder of Walking Big and Tall, an obesity acceptance group. “Why don’t we just force airlines to make their seats a bit wider? That way, everyone can fit in their seats, and we won’t have a problem. I mean, sure there will be lost efficiency as less seats will be able to fit in the cabin, but that’s the price we must pay for equality!”
  4. “We should charge by the kilogram,” suggests Waylon van Straaten, who also happens to be a famous horse jockey. “The weight of the plane ultimately determines whether it can take off and how much fuel it consumes. If I get charged for carrying excess baggage on board, it should be the same for people.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dangerous criminals are often 'accidentally' sent on one-way trips to Maxtopia.

2021-04-14 16:00

The Deportation of Mr. B. Leeper

Brancalandian pop star Bryan Leeper has gotten into trouble with the law yet again while on tour in Random Chaos. He was caught urinating on a fire hydrant, making this his tenth arrest in the past year. Tens of thousands of anti-Bleepers have signed a petition demanding that the pop star be deported back to his native Brancaland.

  1. “Let it be known,” reads petition author Lauren de Groot, from a ragged piece of parchment covered in coffee stains, “that we the good people of Random Chaos who care about music, and entertainment, and celebrity misbehaviors, demand that law-breaker Bryan Leeper be deported with all due haste back to his native country of frozen Brancaland. He can go love himself back home. We demand that he be declared a public menace. May he never return to our fair country nor inflict his immature, overly catchy, pop music on our airwaves.”
  2. “We don’t want the little brat back!” declares the Brancalandian Foreign Minister, seen smashing Bryan Leeper CDs with a hockey stick. “I bumped into the Maxtopian ambassador on my way here. It seems that Mr. Leeper has an outstanding legal issue over in Maxtopia that could involve jail time if he’s found guilty. Why not extradite him there as a diplomatic move? What’s that? Well yes, Maxtopia has the death penalty. I’m sure he hasn’t done anything that serious there.”
  3. “All I need, is your love, your love, my love, your love, youuuuuuu!” sings your teenage niece’s best friend, who is also president of the Random Chaosian Bryan Leeper Fan Club. “You can’t send him away! He’s a troubled young artist trying to find his way. His message is pure and sweet and he’s, like, so totally dreamy. Listen!” She starts to sing again as secret service men usher her out of the room. “Baby, baby, don’t leave me alone, don’t walk awa....” Unfortunately, you’ve heard enough to have the song stuck in your head all day. It really is catchy.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, child shoplifters spend half their youth behind bars.

2021-04-14 10:00

Cruel or Unusual?

A small town judge has garnered national attention after sentencing a serial litterer to sit, in lieu of jail time, in a garbage can and hand out apology flyers to locals. Legal experts and concerned citizens have come to offer their unsolicited take on whether or not Random Chaos should embrace unorthodox punishments for petty criminals.

  1. “The government needs to stop telling me how to do my job,” states the judge while banging his gavel against your desk. “Sending someone off to the big house merely trains them to be a better criminal! I merely seek to embarrass them or make them do a bit of community service. Like that kid who was spray painting trains; I had him do a mural for the Eastern Random Chaos Art Museum, and now he’s blossomed into quite the artist. You should encourage us to use our judgement to find fitting, albeit unconventional, punishments for our criminals.”
  2. “I agree that punishments should be determined on a case-by-case basis, but this is hardly even a slap on the wrist!” grumbles Lexi Talia Onassis, an officer who is currently suspended for using excessive force. “If you want to see crime stop dead in its tracks, you need to enable the police to do to criminals what they have done to others without the hassle of the court system. If someone burns down a house, we burn down theirs! If someone commits murder, we murder them! If someone takes drugs, we... uh...” She trails off. “Anyway, we’ll need some more funding for our officers. Things might get messy out there.”
  3. “Do you think it’s wise to put the rehabilitation of our nation’s minor offenders in the hands of a judge, or an officer for that matter?” questions Apu Siskel, a well-respected advisor in the Justice Department, as he opens a dozen manilla folders, spilling their contents across your desk. “If we were to open educational rehabilitation clinics in our cities, operated by my Department and overseen by psychological experts, we could design a comprehensive system to stamp out repeat offenses. All it takes is a little funding, but just imagine the informational seminars, four-hour documentaries, even guest speakers from the Retirement Community of Former Felons!”
  4. “Do the crime, pay the time,” replies a more orthodox judge with a shrug, trudging in after a sixteen-hour hearing. “Everybody wants a creative solution to our crime problem, but all you’re doing is putting a burden on our legal professionals. Our primary responsibility is to determine guilt or innocence, and consistent rules for sentencing should be in place for reasons of fairness to the convicted. I suggest we have a fixed-term jail sentence for each crime, regardless of the circumstance. We’ll save ourselves a lot of time, and it will eliminate any bias in the severity of punishments.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, promising seven years of bad luck leads to seven years of community service.

2021-04-14 04:00

A Dread Letter

Today, among your mail, a black envelope with a pentagram on it caught your eye. You opened the envelope, and the letter inside said: “Blessed Chosen One, I am happy to inform you that you have just been granted the Opportunity to Change Your Life. The magnificent energy of the cosmos is waiting to surround you. If you copy this letter and send it to 100 other people, you will be granted ONE HUNDRED blessings for ONE HUNDRED days. But! If you spurn these gifts — YOU will be CURSED FOREVER. Choose wisely!”

  1. “This is a disaster!” whimpers your secretary Cindy van Straaten, looping her four-leaf clover pendant around your neck and knocking on your wooden desk repeatedly. “I had a friend in elementary school who failed to pass on a chain letter she received, and she came down with terrible chickenpox afterwards. This is no joking matter, Leader. You should immediately start making copies and sending them out if you want to protect yourself from harm.”
  2. “I’d bet my bottom chip that this is just another teenage prankster,” muses police officer Hermes Cook, inspecting the envelope with a magnifying glass to check for fingerprints. “But we ought not let this scoundrel waste your precious time with this nonsense. Grant my department permission to track down and punish the senders of anonymous letters composed with the criminal intent to frighten or defraud.” He tosses the letter to one side, accidentally knocking a small mirror off your desk.
  3. “If anything, this shows you’re not taking your personal security seriously enough, Leader!” yells bodyguard Megan Kent, a former army officer, who has perused the letter and is now patrolling the vicinity. “What if that scumbag had sent anthrax in that envelope? Or what if someone had sent you a bomb in a gift parcel? You should mandate that all mail in Random Chaos should be sent in see-through bags. Those who have nothing to hide cannot object to full transparency.”
  4. “Holy gambler! I can’t believe we spent an entire morning discussing a stupid chain letter!” chortles Sven Richardson, your Minister of Underhanded Solutions. “But, if these letters are so unsettling, this gives me a brilliant idea. Why not produce different versions of such dreadful letters and send them to our political opponents? Distracting them in this way could be a good strategy for psychological warfare.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the mood of raunchy movies is often ruined by the sound of babies crying.

2021-04-13 22:00

Curtains for the Horrorshow

After last week’s highly anticipated release of the new horror movie “Scary Dream on Fifth Street”, reports have been coming in that movie theaters across Random Chaos City have been allowing children as young as five to watch the film despite the recommendation of ratings boards that the film is suitable only for adults.

  1. “Oh, the horror!” exclaims Rochelle Ripley, president of watchdog group Mothers For Kids’ Safeguarding. “The parts with the eating of the brains, the horrible mutilations, that policeman with liberal politics... it was so gut-churningly disgusting, even I stopped watching! These children will be scarred for life! It’s time to crack down on movie theaters that are harming our younger generation: everyone, without exception, must provide proof of their age, and any who allow children to watch films rated for adults should be fined and prosecuted!”
  2. Seven-year-old Rosalia Zhimo has seen the movie in question and disagrees. “I liked the film. I especially enjoyed the part where the zombie tore off the man’s arms. My mommy says that because I’m a kid, I shouldn’t see this movie, but I think the ratings aren’t really rules. They’re just someone’s advice, right? Some of us children are really smart and are totally not as easy to influence as grown-ups think. And if you disagree, then... then... **** you, I’ll KILL YOU, you ****ING *********! RAAAAAARGH!” Security drags her away as she claws at their eyes.
  3. “Who needs these kinds of movies in the first place?” asks your grandmother, drinking tea and reminiscing about her younger years. “Back when I raised your parents we didn’t have so many scary movies, and look how they turned out. The people who make the movies in the first place should have to test them in front of a young audience, and if even one kid gets scared or upset, the film should be banned. We can’t have these awful films being seen by the public, can we?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's said that a Random Chaosian always pays his debts with significant compounding.

2021-04-13 16:00

Payday Groans

Payday loan outlets provide quick loans to financially challenged individuals, but at interest rates far above what banks and other lenders charge. They have become the latest target of itinerant anti-poverty activists.

  1. “These payday loan and cheque cashing places are nothing more than money-hungry parasites preying on the weak and vulnerable!” declares placard-hoisting campaigner Avery True. “By charging ridiculous levels of compound interest, they put their users deeper and deeper into debt! You must intervene and govern the entire loan business: set maximum interest rates, lessen fees charged for their services, and impose heavy fines on violators!”
  2. “It’s none of the government’s business what I charge in terms of interest rates and fees; this is supposed to be a free market, is it not?” bemoans payday loan magnate Cashius Chekov. “I provide an invaluable service to people who need quick funds, for important things like leaky roofs, bicycle accidents, Eckie-Ecola sales... important things. Charging 40% interest isn’t exorbitant; you can tell by the lines of happy clients who visit us every day! Stay out of our business, and we’ll stay out of yours.”
  3. “Payday loan and cheque cashing institutions are notorious for money laundering and other dubious activities,” scowls Chief Detective Eobard Clarke of the Random Chaos City Police Department. “Do you know how many phony cheques are cashed, or criminal activities are facilitated through the North-Northwestern Union money transfer service? If you want to help stymie crime, just shut down the entire industry. People can use banks, which have much more stringent security procedures.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all work and no play has rendered the nation's children somewhat intelligent but also remarkably dull.

2021-04-13 10:00

School’s in for Summer?

Your Education Minister recently proposed abolishing the traditional Random Chaosian school schedule, which included seasonal breaks, and replacing it with one in which school days were evenly distributed over an entire year. In response, concerned administrators, parents, and educators have asked for your support.

  1. “Everyone knows how much time parents and educators waste regurgitating the same information every year,” complains obnoxious parent Jessica Coulson, seen wearing a ‘My Child Is An Honor Roll Student’ button. “Students often forget things when they spend long periods of time without learning. In order for these young minds to flourish, we should keep the same number of weeks of education per annum, but spread them out evenly across the year. That will make my - I mean, Random Chaos’s - children’s successes even more pronounced!”
  2. “That is ridiculous. Can you even imagine all the overhaul that would require?” questions principal Ned Khan, after giving two of your squabbling aides a time out. “The budget is strapped enough as it is! A better solution would be to allow each school to determine its own schedule. That’s better for the administrative workings of this public school system, and our finances. Besides, educators need breaks too! Teaching those little hellions is far more stressful than it looks!” The aides begin squabbling again, prompting a stern glare from the principal. “You two! My office! Now!”
  3. “Restructuring alone won’t keep our children ahead of the curve!” opines Tabitha Rios, Comptroller of the Random Chaos City District School Board who had been grading everyone on their posture and speeches. “What we need to do is make education free and mandatory all year round, fifty-two weeks a year and six days a week. Yes, that means massive spending towards the education budget, but you can’t put a price on knowledge. Well, I guess you can depending on how much goes into the budget.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Unexpected Death Rate.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government mails weekly updates on the new anti-junk mail laws to every citizen.

2021-04-13 05:00

Ignorance Is No Excuse?

After a widely followed trial in which an ordinary citizen was prosecuted for tax evasion, insurance fraud, and serial jaywalking due to small legislative changes that were only implemented the previous month, many are questioning how changes in the law should be communicated to the general public.

  1. “It’s not my fault I broke these idiotic new laws if I wasn’t even aware they existed! How was I supposed to know that claiming my seven cats as dependents for tax purposes was no longer legal?” protests Declan Skinner, who was recently convicted and is awaiting sentencing. “Every time new laws are put in place, there should be a two-month grace period before they can be enforced. Furthermore, to make sure each citizen is aware of the changes, the government should send regular updates on new legislation to every registered address in Random Chaos. It’s the only way to stop travesties like this from happening again!”
  2. “Nobody sends letters any more; what are you, a square?” taunts Kanya Bishop, the managing director of the Gambler News Channel. “Everyone watches TV now. Just incentivize all channels to regularly show updates on new legislation. In fact, we could have our own weekly show, hosted by celebrities like what’s-his-name, Sipho Hadfield, and maybe even Judi Nguyen. The people will love it, tuning in every week to watch Random Chaosian Law News Live!”
  3. “Why should the taxpayer fork out for information no one uses, or allow grace periods for corrupt people to repeatedly break laws and plead ignorance?” asks devoted penny-scrimper Buffy Trevelyan, who appears to have helped herself to the entire contents of the candy dish in the lobby. “If someone wants to know something, they should have to find it out at their own expense by doing their own research. If that’s too much effort for the couch-potato youths of today, then they’ll just have to risk the legal consequences of their misguided actions!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the dessert 'Death by Chocolate' isn't the most lethal dish on the menu.

2021-04-12 22:00

Dead Tasty

Every year, several deaths are reported in the country due to the eating of the highly poisonous, yet savoured, pufferfish.

  1. “It’s straight up suicide!” proclaims Chloe Hackett, while puffing her cheeks out in exasperation. “This deadly dish claimed the life of one of my close friends, and kills diners every month! This culinary death-trap must be banned!”
  2. “Eating this fish has been our tradition, passed down by our... grandfathers maybe...” says renowned chef Harambe Kuraoka, as he puts a pufferfish on your desk to demonstrate how easily prepared it is. “It all depends on how skilled you are. See: poison... poison... poison... tasty fish! All you need to do is to make sure all chefs go on training courses and are licensed to serve this sensory experience.”
  3. “What’s all this commotion about? A few deaths caused by a petty fish?” questions restaurateur Nobuyoshi Trax, who has just returned from a culinary trip to Dàguó. “There are so many scrumptious dishes out there, but most Random Chaosians are just too jittery to give them a go. There’s live octopus, blood clams and ackee: let’s put Random Chaosian restaurants on everyone’s ‘must experience before you die’ list!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's student exchange programs are something of a one way street.

2021-04-12 16:00

A Foreign Exchange of Ideas

As Random Chaosian universities are gaining recognition on the world stage, the country’s citizens have mixed feelings about the influx of international students trying to enroll.

  1. “Having a geographically diverse student body is crucial for expanding our young people’s minds and molding them into global citizens,” pontificates bespectacled Dean Trump of Random Chaos City University, idly spinning a globe in her office. “Our classrooms must represent the world’s population, and that is best achieved by setting aside a percentage of all university places for foreign students. Just think of the prestige! Er... I mean, the perspectives!”
  2. “Random Chaosian universities are for Random Chaosian kids; it’s that simple,” shrugs concerned citizen Beth Claus in between open-mouthed chewing of a sandwich in the university cafeteria. “It’s hard enough for brilliant students like my daughter to get into a school as good as this without facing competition from the rest of the dang world. Besides, those Bigtopian students don’t look too happy to be here anyway, do they?”
  3. Montgomery ‘Kegmeister’ Quinn, a student known for his stunning grin and perfectly coiffed hair, bursts in. “Did I hear you talking about those bodacious foreign babes? My friends and I would totally help welcome these lovely international students to Random Chaos... as long as they’re total babes. Hey, there’s an idea! Why don’t we let foreign students in to study, but only if they’re hot enough to pass the Kegmeister’s test?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, exam halls are littered with used needles and empty pill bottles.

2021-04-12 10:00

‘A’ Is for Academic Doping

The problem of ‘academic doping’ has reared its head after a group of students were caught taking ‘smart’ drugs ahead of high school exam season. An alliance of concerned educators, anti-drug crusaders, and C-grade students have demanded an end to this practice to make sure that Random Chaos’s youth don’t become a generation of cheaters.

  1. “These students are doping themselves up to the gills in the hope it’ll improve their academic performance,” explains Student Union Vice-President for Welfare Bharatendu Khan, while hurriedly trying to finish an assignment. “However noble their intentions, the reality is that they’re abusing drugs. We need the government to fund an education and outreach program, warning of the dangers and offering counselling and therapy. Outreach and therapy will solve this problem more than blunt law enforcement ever will.”
  2. “Education and outreach? How about I demonstrate some outreach with my truncheon!” screams the Head of Narcotics Control Gertie Rios, accidentally knocking over a plant pot while demonstrating. “I don’t care what they’re studying: these kids are junkies and derelicts, and we need to clamp down on them. We need strong enforcement, including random drug testing, strip searches, and sniffer dogs in exam halls! Just give us the go - and the money.”
  3. “Please, show a little compassion. C-O-M-P-A-S-S-I-O-N. Compassion!” pleads national spelling champion Lars Zaius, while frantically chewing his nails and twitching uncontrollably. “I have to concentrate if I’m going to get into a top university, and if a little pill can help me, then why shouldn’t it be my choice? Some students guzzle coffee or chain-smoke cigarettes, and those are much worse for their health. Cracking down on academic doping would only be punishing those who want to perform well. That would be counterproductive. C-O-U-N-T...”
  4. “Why have exams at all? Everyone knows that they’re a waste of everybody’s time,” admits visibly stressed out teacher Edna Crandall, who is on her tenth cigarette of the day. “In fact, do we really need a proper curriculum to follow? Schools and teachers should be able to teach whatever they think is relevant. This can be learning a new language or the intricacies of soap opera love triangles. The schools would save some cash, and it would make my job much easier too.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia fell from "Power" to "Powerbroker".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tourists aren't the only ones that talk about coming back from a trip.

2021-04-12 04:00

Of Mice and Meth

A growing number of citizens are reporting sightings of strange animal behavior since the nation’s water supply was drugged, ranging from carelessness and daredevilry to frantic dancing.

  1. “You guys are the greatest in every way — especially you, dearest Leader — but this contamination is destroying our environment!” exclaims recreational urban habitat observer Eobard Annan, sipping from a completely safe glass of government-approved tap water and dribbling some on the floor in his excitement. “My colleagues and I all witnessed a colony of mice baying at a statue of you. Of course, I see something like that every day... but we all saw it this time! I’m sure you could cut the dosage of drugs in the water down to a safer level and people would still love you!”
  2. “Whoa, who cares about, like, a few pesky rats? This water is, like, poisoning our pets, dude,” says Kristy Gates, an enthusiastic pet lover who was particularly thirsty this morning. “You don’t have to, like, stop stoning the water, but maybe you should sell some safe water specifically for pets or whatever. You could even make it taste funny to make people not wanna drink it. Then, like, maybe my bunnies won’t try to breathe water anymore.”
  3. “Listen to this buffoonery-talk of baying rodents and suicidal rabbits; it’s obvious there is a problem, but not just with animals,” rants Rex Meier, a sociologist who’s secretly been drinking pond water. “Drugging our water supply is truly despicable, and you bottom feeders must stop it at once! It is hurting our environment, as it is hurting our civilization, and whoever told you this was a good idea is frankly pond scum. I-” He coughs up a little minnow.
  4. “Listen to these dissidents; the drugs clearly aren’t powerful enough!” exclaims your Minister of Crowd Control and author of the internationally condemned book H2Whoa: Random Chaosian Utopia. “If anything, we’ve got to dump MORE into the water supply! So what if a few people start reacting like the animals? A few people howling at the moon now and then is much less dangerous than letting them think.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Corporate Police State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, life expectancy is way down but posthuman perfectionism is way up.

2021-04-11 22:00

Dirty Little Minds

The Health Ministry has expressed serious concerns at new evidence that pollutants in the atmosphere and water supply may be negatively affecting the intelligence and cognitive abilities of the nation’s children.

  1. “Legislation is the answer,” declares tatty-suited progressive Isabelle Savage in the middle of a two-hour slideshow on rainfall. “Crack down on air pollution, regulate vehicle emissions, and heavily tax polluting industry and power generation. The economy may experience a short-term loss, but that sacrifice is worth it for our children’s long-term cognitive function.”
  2. “Self-regulation is the answer,” says expensively dressed lawyer Miles Atwood, who just finished another fraud trial. “The industry will... uh... establish a voluntary code of conduct, and we will definitely think about cutting into our profit margins and reneging on our obligations to our shareholders to make a fast buck. At the very least, we’ll do some great PR work. And kids getting dumber? Well, I should point out that a dumb populace is a free-spending and unquestioning populace: that sort of thing is great for the economy.”
  3. “Science is the answer,” opines overzealous transhumanist Stefanie Gillard, whose clothes are so metallic and futuristic they just look silly. “The problem here is that we’ve got the wrong sort of pollutants. Add the right neuro-stimulant chemicals to the waterways and the air, and I can guarantee you the lovely pollution will start making our kids harder, better, faster, stronger. Sure, they might have increased risk of fatal brain hemorrhage in puberty, but they’ll expand their cognition and consciousness and become Human Plus.”
  4. “Creative thinking is the answer,” schemes an intimidating ‘solutions manager,’ Barbie Miller. “We can keep making pollutants, so long as we don’t let them get into our nation’s environment. I’ve got half a dozen amazing ideas, from selling our waste to gullible third world nations as fertilizers, to sticking some of the nastier chemicals into a newly rebranded ‘smokey-cola’ and pushing it to export. All extra sludge can just be dumped at sea - far, far away from Random Chaos. Recategorise waste as product, and we can get it out of the country at a nice profit.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Sprat" to "Power".

random_chaos relocated from balder to the_hatrackia.

random_chaos was refounded in balder.

random_chaos ceased to exist in the_hatrackia.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military parades quietly tiptoe their way through the streets.

2021-04-09 14:30

Concussive Percussion

While attending a performance by the Random Chaos City Philharmonic Orchestra last Thursday, 75-year-old baker William McFly suffered an unexpected heart attack. Several music critics have attributed the death to the surprise of cannon fire used in the song “2012 Overture”, which the Orchestra was playing at the time. However, much opposition has been drummed up against the critics, and both sides have clashed just outside your office.

  1. “This could have been prevented, if someone hadn’t decided to include cannon fire in the performance!” presses Ben Spirit, while he fumbles through a pile of sheet music. “We simply can’t allow this to happen again, and the only way to make sure of that is to ban any weapons from being fired during musicals and performances, and take a stern stance against overly loud music. Cannons are deadly!”
  2. “If anything, we should be encouraging the use of alternative percussion in music,” poises Georgina Broadside, a renowned composer, while putting a fuse into a suspicious looking stick. “Take, for example, the crash cymbals. Whose idea was it to bang two pieces of metal together to make music? Boring! Nothing entertains an audience like explosions, gunfire, and the sounds of war. War... that’s it! We should bring in the military to give all musical performances an explosive touch!”
  3. “She has no idea what she’s talking about,” claims Larry Hart, speaking almost inaudibly. “Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you that a quiet, peaceful performance is one worth seeing. Like the crickets chirping, the birds tweeting, and the trees... treeing. I say we redirect some government funding to the musicians that make use of such natural and flowing sounds, to help preserve the fine predilections of the eardrum.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corrupt paupers spend taxpayer chips on liquor and tobacco.

2021-04-09 08:30

Alms and Qualms

Leaked financial reports have revealed that three of the five largest supposedly nonprofit charity organizations in Random Chaos have sent a substantial amount of their revenue to offshore bank accounts over the last fiscal year, with a negligible percentage going to the causes they champion. The altruists who donated to these faux-philanthropic facades are demanding that action be taken.

  1. “They’ve not only manipulated us, they’ve given false hope to the destitute!” cries François Thomas, head of the dozen or so philanthropists crowded around your desk. “Half of my paycheck went to the charity BrasilistanWe last month, but according to the leaked documents, the money that should have gone to those poor children instead went toward jet skis, liquor, and goodness knows what else. The government must mandate that charities be completely transparent with their activities. We’ll pay for the government monitors and investigators. Just see to it that our aid goes to the needy!”
  2. “It truly is a sad day when humanity forsakes itself for material wealth,” laments an ascetic monk, flagellating himself in your office. “I implore the citizenry to ignore avaricious secular charities, as they seek to take advantage of the people’s altruism. Mandate that only religious charities can take donations since the Great Callipygian One’s guidance makes us truly care for the needy. Alms-giving is an integral column of our clergy, and we have the numbers and the devotion to see our duties through.”
  3. “To the typical observer, it seems like we’ve been dishonest,” sighs the CEO of the charity BrasilistanWe. “In truth, we sent our monies to offshore bank accounts so that they could accumulate interest, giving us more funds to help those in poverty. We were also planning to invest donations in some very lucrative stocks to generate more funds. This is what we resort to because not many people donate to charity. Ignore the exposés, allow us to continue our operations, and donate a sizable amount of cash to us to restore the people’s confidence in our foundation. We’ll help all the poor unfortunate souls with your contributions.”
  4. “Y’know, maybe it’d be best if the government make private charities less necessary by directly helping people instead,” dribbles a beggar who was part of an earlier photo op showcasing the government helping the poor. “Private donations depend on people’s goodwill, a scarce resource. Taxes are harder to avoid! Random Chaos will be the world’s greatest charity! You could really help out poor folk here and abroad!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the homeless more often beg for mercy than money.

2021-04-09 02:30

A Call for Change

Foreign tourists visiting your nation’s cities have frequently commented on the high number of vagrants, beggars and panhandlers, especially around the major attractions. Now that the world-renowned Fat Tyreman Travel Guide has felt the need to specifically write an article called “10 Ways to Dodge Beggars in Random Chaos City”, it’s probably time you addressed this national embarrassment.

  1. “Get gone, scum!” commands a police patrolman, displacing a camp of itinerants from a historic park. He turns to you. “Boss, we need more leeway in how we persuade vagrants to move on. I’m not talking about extreme measures here, just judiciously applied threats of arrest, the occasional tap from a truncheon, and maybe a water cannon or two.”
  2. “You think they want to beg?” complains homeless left-wing protest musician Billy Boast, as he tries to free himself from the policeman’s grip. “We, the poor, are being trodden down by the rich. All we want is our fair share! I’m not talking about a socialist revolution here, just a few million social housing units and enough money for the bare necessities of life!”
  3. “The problem isn’t begging in general, but specifically beggars ruining the ambience of culturally significant sites,” observes Sean Barker, from the Tourism Board. “Instead, subsidise construction of fences and walls around tourist attractions, so that only those that have an appropriately pricey entry ticket can enter the tourist areas. I’m not talking about defensive moats here, just some screening partitions to keep the riff-raff out.”
  4. “Like that cartoon says: Hakuna Matata!” offers jovial beggar Tim Onn, with a little dance. “That means no worries, for the rest of your days! It’s not such a bad life out on the street, Leader; you should try it for yourself. The open air, the sunshine, the refreshing rain... aaaaahhh! I’m not talking about making yourself homeless, but... hmm... actually, that IS what I’m talking about! To give you the chance to experience the wonderful world of wandering free, me and my buddies will trade possessions with you and your colleagues. Give me your house, your bank account, your jacket, your boots, your motorcyc... Sorry, wrong film. Give us all your stuff, and give the vagrant’s life a try. Hakuna Matata!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has an "easy come, easy go" policy on youth crime.

2021-04-08 20:30

Mamma Random Chaos, Let Me Go

The media is up in arms over the case of Eddie Jupiter, a minor who is being tried as an adult on suspicion of murder; the case has sparked a national debate over Random Chaos and youth crime.

  1. “He’s just a poor boy from a poor family!” pleads Hayley Adams, youth welfare activist and rock fan appearing on Random Chaos’s most popular morning show. “Spare him his life from this monstrosity! The government must not try teens as adults. In fact, you really can’t try them at all; they clearly don’t understand the magnitude of their actions. Maybe if our government gave schools more funding, the teachers could explain this ‘don’t murder’ concept a little better.”
  2. “Don’t understand?!” thunders prosecuting attorney Luke Fox during one of many press conferences. “Tell that to the victim! The punk put a gun against his head and pulled the trigger. Now he’s dead! The youth of Random Chaos need to learn to respect the rules of decent society, and the best way to do that is to impose harsher penalties. Solitary confinement, public punishment, curfews - the whole works. As for this kid, lock him up!”
  3. “I couldn’t agree more,” muses a major religion representative Sarah McCloud while proselytizing to your staff. “Except the civil authorities shouldn’t be the ones dealing with Jupiter. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for him, and only true penitence can save his soul. In fact, better give the true faith power to punish, er, save all criminals! I find there’s no better cure for a sick soul than public whipping, don’t you agree?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are abandoning their homes en masse in a widespread panic over asbestos.

2021-04-08 14:30

It Was Asbestos Times, It Was the Worst of Times

Experts are pleading for you to act on the proposed disposal of the cheap and easy to produce wonder-material asbestos — previously universally used in construction — in light of the material being highly carcinogenic when breathed as particulates.

  1. “There are ticking time bombs sitting in the walls of every office, house, school and workplace throughout Random Chaos, just waiting for somebody to nudge them,” drawls Sun Silk, your public health minister, slamming a ludicrously thick file onto your desk, “And we’re actually obtuse enough to waste our time investigating methods of making headway? We must organize disposal teams and fund an emergency information campaign as soon as possible! Damn the cost and the manpower, thousands of lives are at stake!”
  2. “Well...” begins Anne-Marie Benteen, your director of medical research, rapping her knuckles against your office wall, and emitting a cloud of dust in the process. “The alarming health implications of asbestos must certainly be dealt with, and the materials removed. But you’d still be closing the stable door after the gambler has bolted. We seem to be avoiding the issue of treatment for those already suffering the effects of long-term exposure of asbestos. I propose you divert at least half of the funding you’re giving to a disposal campaign to boosting the healthcare and research services.”
  3. “These empathy-ridden hooligans are letting their do-gooder impulses cloud their judgement,” declares the slick Montgomery Gruber, representative of ACME Construction, whilst fondling his golden tie bar. “As long as nobody breaks this stuff then it’s all good, right? Asbestos has helped support the growing population of Random Chaos by allowing us to quickly build cheap, adequate housing, and we’re going to need to keep that pace unless you want filthy beggars approaching you on every street corner. And think of how costly removing the stuff is going to be! Do you think the national coffers can actually fund it?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's usual for grandparents to stay in the family home with their descendants but younger children are often frightened of them.

2021-04-08 08:30

A Petty Issue

Your cousin’s adored pet gambler has died.

  1. “It would mean the world to me to have my loss properly recognised,” sobs your cousin, dabbing tears away with a gold-embroidered handkerchief. “My poor little baby deserves a state funeral. Imagine... people crying in the streets, a band playing funeral dirges on golden tubas, and my dearest little Kitty McFluff immortalised in a memorial forever... you’d do it for your own pets, wouldn’t you?”
  2. “Y’know how many people this could feed?” asks roadkill-chef Britney Glenn, sniffing at the carcass, and licking her lips. “And y’know how many people you’re takin’ cash away from with a big state funeral? Burying a gambler is a waste of good meat, and a waste of money. Y’should buy up all the dead pets, butcher them for meat, and donate the food to the poor and homeless.”
  3. “No need to bury the wee beastie!” yells eccentric special effects expert Judas Mombota. “I’ve been playing around a lot with taxidermy and animatronics, and I reckon if we fix up damage to the bodywork, apply some preservatives to stop the rot, install some motors and simple AI subroutines, and the little critter will be good as new! Also, why stop with pets? You miss your grandma, right? Let my company work its magic, and look who’s back!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Eco-Friendly Governments.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Corporate Police State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, superfoods are often seen as supervillains.

2021-04-08 02:30

Blood on Your Nuts

Cashew nuts are growing in popularity, and a good proportion of the domestic market is supplied by cheap imports from the Socialist Republic of Núi Và Sông. However, that nation is being criticised for its agricultural working standards, and as a major customer of its goods, Random Chaos is being seen as part of the problem.

  1. “Caustic shell chemicals are released by deshelling cashews, causing chronic acid burns to workers’ hands, all because Núi Và Sông growers are too stingy to provide protective gloves,” lectures Tarquin Nahasapeemapetilon, wearing an ‘Ethical Importing Matters’ T-shirt that was probably manufactured in a Dàguó sweatshop. “Worse still, many of these workers are unpaid forced labour from so-called drug rehabilitation centres. Just so you can put your nuts in a bowl on the coffee table! We should demand that these plantations improve their working standards, and ban imports from them till they do so.”
  2. “Look, if we stopped trading with every nation that has dodgy labour laws or workers with a skin rash or two, we wouldn’t be able to trade at all,” complains spice-lover Barack Thawne, between mouthfuls of a delicious-smelling nut curry. “Maybe instead of restricting trade you could be supporting cashew growers in this country. We can maintain good agricultural workplace standards, and have government subsidisation allow our farmers to present competitive prices. You’d be nuts to say no to that.”
  3. “I’m nuts for nuts too!” agrees your brother, grabbing a handful of cashew drupe seeds, peanut legume pods and almond kernels. “Except for hazelnuts and candlenuts, which shouldn’t count as nuts at all, in my opinion. I have to say though, this idea of using forced labour on plantations sounds like it’d be quite good for our economy. We should set something like that up.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, universities are populated by the spawn of the upper classes.

2021-04-07 20:30

Students Demand Financial Aid

Students from many universities in Random Chaos are protesting about the rising financial cost of studying at university and are demanding that the government provide more financial aid to students.

  1. “We need money now,” screams Monica Haskell, a student from one of the top-achieving universities in Random Chaos. “All these tuition fees are just too much! I need that money to spend on books, study materials, accommodation, and alco- well, uh, you get the gist of it. All these fees are doing is preventing people from poorer backgrounds achieving their potential. The government ought to pay for all university expenses. After all if nobody went to university where would all the doctors and teachers come from?”
  2. “OH GOD NO THE EXPENSE!” screeches Vladimir Orbison, your Minister of Education before eventually calming down. “No, no. This is not a good idea. Do you know how high the tax rate is already without introducing something like this? We should be making tuition fees higher if anything. University is a privilege, not a right, and only the elite should be allowed within those walls. And by elite, of course, I mean rich.”
  3. “These young people are the greatest resource our nation has,” says Bob van Gogh, a famous demographer. “If you’re going to discourage them from going to university then you’re cheating our nation out of its potential. What I suggest is government-funded loans to students from poor families. That way we can have the best of both worlds without the expense. Admittedly, some may still not be able to afford it but there’s no pleasing some people.”
  4. “Why bother with universities anyway?” asks refuse collector Gretel Contri. “These students could be working and earning a living instead of wasting time and money learning things with no point whatsoever. Who needs to know about ancient Maxtopian poetry, huh? Who would hire you for that? There are plenty of jobs out there, so why don’t they go and get one? I’ll tell you why: it’s because they are lazy. I propose the government withdraw all support for universities in Random Chaos, so people instead go get a job after they leave school. With all the money saved we can have a well-deserved tax cut too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ship captains always order a return to port at the slightest sign of rain.

2021-04-07 14:30

Down With That?

A Random Chaosian cruise ship ran aground last week in the treacherous waters off the southern coast. The captain, Howard Usman, had infamy bestowed upon him after it was found that he abandoned ship before all of the passengers on board safely made it off, defying centuries of maritime tradition.

  1. “Twenty people drowned in that accident, and that scum-bag decided his life was more important?” rhetorically asks Michonne Colbert, one of the surviving passengers of the ship, still visibly shaken by what had occurred. “Ship captains should always see to it that everyone on board gets off safely before they do – after all, they can’t direct the rescue effort if they aren’t on the actual ship! If they don’t, we must punish these cowards to the fullest extent of the law!”
  2. “Let’s not be too hasty about assigning blame here!” counters Captain Usman, who’s remarkably shorter and skinnier than you expected him to be. “I’m just as traumatized as anyone else. I was actually helping coordinate the rescue operation, albeit from the safety of land. It’s not my duty to add to the death toll, is it?”
  3. “That captain is nothing but a lily-livered land-lubber!” scoffs Rear Admiral Kapoor. “When Random Chaos first took to the seas, the ship’s captain was obliged to go down with the ship, even if they were within spitting distance of the shore! It was the honourable thing to do back then. We should return to our maritime traditions and any captain that doesn’t like it should be given a good ol’ keel-hauling!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, truancy officers have a hard time catching children trained in advanced camouflage skills.

2021-04-07 08:30

Scouting for Boys, Girls... Anyone?

The Random Chaosian Scouts, a volunteer youth group that teaches boys and girls outdoor survival skills, are reporting sharply declining numbers. The organization’s annual meet was attended by just seven and a half Scouts (as there was an unfortunate accident involving a canoe made out of recycled soup cans). Some within the community are urging the government to help revive interest in outdoor pursuits among young people.

  1. “Dear Leader, we humbly beg your favor!” is spelled out in woodcraft sign language on a poster decorated with pictures of tents, trees, and wild gamblers. The Scout who brought the poster into your office begins to explain, “Scouting has really suffered from a lack of state support. We give back to the community, learn valuable life skills, and get to socialize with other young people, all in the spirit of Random Chaosian patriotism. And with some government funding, maybe we could afford some slightly less frayed guide ropes for our climbing wall?”
  2. “Scouting is a hobby, nothing more,” grumbles notoriously chip-pinching auditor Josh Hyde. “What’s next, are we going to start giving subsidies to model aircraft building clubs? Knitting circles? Mustache enthusiasts? Treasury funds are for essential projects only. If the Scouts can’t get by without state support, then they should go out of business like any other private organization would.”
  3. “You’re talking about ending a tradition of Scouting that goes back more than a century!” complains Otohime Pond, a military historian who has won several awards for exceptionally dry accounts of dramatic battles. “I got my start in fieldcraft as a Scout, just like many of our nation’s greatest heroes. The young people of today don’t know what they’re missing out on. In fact, maybe if you forced them all to join the Scouts, they’d soon see what fun it was!”
  4. “All this tradition stuff is exactly why kids aren’t interested in Scouting anymore,” snarks your appallingly cynical niece, who only looks up from her phone to roll her eyes. “What use are badges for campfire building and map reading when we have central heating and GPS? If Scouting taught some more modern skills, maybe you’d have more young people interested.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, baby strollers have occupier-operated side-mounted machine guns.

2021-04-07 02:30

Annie Get Your Gun

When mother-of-twins Annie Carr was held up at gunpoint by a mugger, she immediately surrendered all her cash and jewellery, rather than risk the lives of her ten-year-old boys. Shockingly, not only had she not attempted to use lethal force to defend her family, but she had also left her one and only shotgun on the kitchen table at home.

  1. “Owning a gun is compulsory for a good reason,” points out your Minister for Personal Defence, adjusting his H&K MP5K holster to stop it from catching on his backslung C14 Timberwolf sniper rifle. “But what’s the point in compulsory ownership if you don’t carry your weapon? As far as I’m concerned, failing to carry a proper deterrent makes Ms Carr culpable for inciting violence. Citizens have a duty to pack heat whenever they leave the home. An armed populace is a safe populace!”
  2. “I’m sorry, I just had so much stuff to carry with the kids’ spare clothes and snacks and school bags and all the rest,” weeps the deeply ashamed young mom. “I know I shoulda been packin’ heat, I know it, but it’s just so hard to do so every hour of the day! Have some mercy, guvmint man, and maybe put more gun-totin’ police on the streets to keep us safe when our hands are full.”
  3. “Where was the man of the family in all this, eh?” yells Jill Svensson, before pausing as someone whispers in his ear informing him that the lady is a recent widow from gun-related street crime. “Oh... uh... right. But what about these two twins? They’re both the men of the family now, and morally responsible for protecting the weaker sex!”
  4. “Hrmm... Did we...?” wonders Minister of Bookkeeping Tabitha Horner as she leafs through the statute books. “Oops, yes we did. Looks like we accidentally used the word ‘must’ instead of ‘may’ here when we made that last change to the law about firearm ownership. You want I should fix it again, like some sort of second amendment to the bill?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, seven-year-olds debate for weeks on the merits of the Oxford comma.

2021-04-06 20:30

Down in the Groove

The literary world has been up in arms since the Gambler Prize, the most prestigious award for writing, was awarded to Random Chaosian rock star Dylan Roberts. This controversial honour has caused many to reconsider how literature should be taught in schools.

  1. “This is a disgrace to the arts,” remarks professor John Washington, while taking a break from violently crossing out entire paragraphs from a pile of essays he is grading. “It is preposterous that a prestigious award should go to such an undeserving person. His lyrics, which contain improper grammar, slang and profanities, should not be taught in schools. Only proper literature - novels, essays and poems - should be considered appropriate material for the curriculum. The education system must encourage children to read books and poems, not listen to ‘pop’ music.”
  2. “What?” says teenager Olivia Davis, while taking off her headphones. “Oh yeah, Dylan Roberts is totally cool. He’s, like, inspiring too. Last night, he inspired me to write a song. It’s called ‘Like a Tumbling Boulder’; wanna hear it?” Looking disappointed by her would-be audience’s insistence on not hearing the song, she resumes. “We should definitely learn more about rock sta... I mean, song lyrics in schools. Songs are like poems, except way less boring.”
  3. “Have you heard some of these songs?” questions William Kumar, your Minister of Education. “Many of Dylan Roberts’ songs express anti-government themes and encourage the youth of Random Chaos to do illegal things. We cannot allow these messages to exist any more. The government must take control of the music industry, censor anything that encourages illegal activity, and punish those who flout the law.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government officials go door-to-door educating about the dangers of pseudoscience.

2021-04-06 14:30

Prophet Margins

A recent national survey found that 40% of Random Chaosians regularly consult fortune tellers.

  1. “These ‘fortune tellers’ are nothing more than scam artists!” cries Max McKinnon from his soapbox. “This is clear-cut fraud and should be punished as such. They can’t see into the future! No one can! We need to arrest these crystal-ball reading hacks for the good of Random Chaos!”
  2. “Banning these fortune tellers only treats the symptom, not the disease, ” states your Minister of Education, Efthamia Starkey. “If our people are dumb enough to believe this hokum, then we’ve got a serious education problem. Clearly we need to increase our school budget and start an outreach program to stamp this problem out at the source. It’ll require more taxes, but the people need our help.”
  3. “I foresee a great eeeeeeeee-vil if you listen to these advisors,” moans Mystic Meg, a prominent fortune teller clad in bangles. “You are in great danger, Leader. GRAVE DANGER! You must ignore these naysayers, for they will certainly lead to your downfall! Obviously the government needs its own oracles to foresee catastrophe and guide us through troubled times.”
  4. “Consider the opportunity this presents, Leader,” says your chief counselor as he steps from behind the arras. “Almost half of the population believes this hoopla. We must encourage this new faith as much as possible. With a handpicked staff of prophets to forecast what we want and spies monitoring every freethinking opposition group, society will be yours for the taking.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, scenic beaches are now protected by massive concrete walls.

2021-04-06 08:30

Tide Stops for No Man

The tragic news that seaside resort town Gamblerville-on-Sea has now become Gamblerville-under-Sea has brought the issue of coastal erosion to your attention.

  1. Enthusiastically swinging a bucket and spade, Yoko Kamen of the Random Chaosian Tourism Bureau implores you to strengthen the coastal defences. “We need groynes, sea walls, revetments, gabions - whatever you can get us! Without this protection, dozens more beautiful beaches and tourist hotspots will be lost to the sea, and then where will you go on holiday? Bigtopia?! Don’t make me laugh.”
  2. “Why spend millions of chips protecting provincial villages?” scoffs penthouse-dwelling urbanite Daenerys Redwood. “Sea levels are rising, and they’re going to be destroyed eventually. How much money are we going to pour down the drain before we realise these seagull-infested dumps aren’t worth saving? Leave the hoi-polloi to their run-down resorts; I’m jetting off to Tasmania.”
  3. “Sea levels are rising, but that’s only because we’re destroying mother earth!” screeches near-hysterical environmental campaigner Nyota Wu, who for no apparent reason has chained herself to a nearby tree. “Encouraging even more construction and air travel only exacerbates the problem. Instead we should be promoting sustainable eco-tourism: if tourists want to enjoy what Random Chaos has to offer, they should offset their carbon emissions. They can start by planting a tree.”
  4. “All of them have it wrong!” exclaims local nutter Michonne Einstein, half-submerged in the sea, and apparently trying to turn back the tide. “In this modern age, why accept that coastal erosion marks the end of things? With enough determination, and massive amounts of money, we could reclaim the land from the sea, and turn this sunken Atlantis into the go-to destination of The Hatrackia!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, out-of-work soldiers and bureaucrats can often be found camped out in front of manservant academies.

2021-04-06 02:30

Blundering Battle Bureaucrats

After stepping off the path in Random Chaos City Park to take a picture of a gambler, a Bigtopian tourist was subject to Random Chaos Defense Regulations Volume 4, Bylaw 8-A, Chapter 23, Section G-17-5, Paragraph 4b and was subsequently obliterated by a full battalion of Random Chaos’s finest.

  1. “That’s just how our glorious nation operates!” says Hope Guterres, the Sub-Minister of Internal Affairs of the Defense of the Internal Affairs of the National Sub-Committee of Sovereign Urban Parks. “We didn’t get where we are today by letting those dirty, out-of-line foreigners trample our carefully manicured petunia bushes!” She tries to wave a copy of the Random Chaos Defense Regulations Volume 4 at you for emphasis, the sheer bulk of the tome forcing her to resort to instead slamming the book onto your desk. The legs creak under the weight. “We need more safeguards against external aggression: no entry signs in multiple languages, tracking anklets issued at the border, oodles of barbed wire, and high-yield minefields! Summer tourists and all other miscreants like them are a threat to society, and if we need to have a show of force to keep them in line, by the Free Land we should do so!”
  2. You can hear yelling and a rising deep rumbling crescendo of noise, then a main battle tank bursts through the doors... and part of the wall. The top hatch opens, and Colonel Akira Navratilova (the officer in charge of the “apprehension” of the unfortunate tourist) pops out. “Now you listen to me, Leader, the last thing we need is more handsy-pansy suits getting in the way of our work! We should have no more requests to obliterate, signed in triplicate, sent in between 0800 and 1500 hours, sent back, queried, lost, found, subject to public inquiry, lost again, and finally discovered in the basement of Random Chaos City Library underneath a treatise about gummy worms!” The Colonel pulls a handgun the size of a small dog from his waistband and drops it onto the regulation almanac. The legs of your desk groan. “Give the military control over how to dispose of all these pesky law-breakers. We’ve been dying to test out these new Random Chaos-made Super Obliterator 3000s, anyway!”
  3. Your butler pours you a cup of tea, having materialized from the mysterious dimension butlers go to when they don’t want to be noticed. “It appears to me, Leader, that the problem lies within Random Chaos rather than without it. You can hardly blame people who visit our glorious cities for being in awe and thus forgetting their place and indeed, what place they are in.” He places the delicate teacup on top of the obscenely large gun and size-of-a-child rulebook. “Having too many government committees, unnecessary departments, and too many soldiers can only lead to more debacles like this. Cut the administrative overgrowth, downsize the defense forces, and possibly funnel that money into something more productive, like education, or butler salaries.” His thin mustache quivers expectantly.
  4. The family of the dead tourist manages to climb over the armored vehicle in your doorway and into your office. The deceased’s mother, who is especially distraught, approaches you with tears in her eyes. “Why does no one ever think of the people affected by all this! We’re here to sight-see, not to get our family killed by your thugs! How does stepping off a park path even warrant deployment of a surface-to-air missile truck or a ninja team? We can’t keep on going not knowing when the next of us will step out of line and be run over by a tank! We demand an apology, a change to the law and reparations!” The distraught woman gently places a photo of her dead son on your desk, which promptly collapses.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is mandatory to learn evolution in schools.

2021-04-05 20:30

Evolution: Truth or Witchcraft?

Religious and scientific leaders have clashed recently over the teaching of evolution in public schools.

  1. “Ach, good to see you haff made it here in one piece,” says evil doctor Molly Conway as you wake up strapped to a chair in a secret lab. “As you can see from my brilliant experiments, science has now solved zer problems of zer vorld und ve need nothink else! I propose zat ve do AVAY vith zer teachink of silly thinks like religion und concentrate on zer FACTS! For a start, ve must teach our children where ve came from. Ve shouldn’t be teaching anythink that hasn’t been scientifically proven - er - accounted for, I mean. Igor, release our guest - I haff a monkey to prezent...”
  2. “That’s a LIE, child, we come from the great meteor of truth!” yells firebrand preacher Pastor Richards, kicking down the door. “We cannot allow their transgressions against the HOLY truth to continue! All the heathens should be thankful we don’t burn them at the stake for their devilry! This nation’s true and just government must ban the filth and corruption being spread by these WICKED unbelievers!”
  3. “What I’m wondering is why we need to take sides on this,” says student Vandal Kenobi. “After all, it’s only a theory. An unproven theory. Technically. It’s not like it has any bearing on real life - let’s just allow the biologists to teach evolution but emphasise that it’s only a theory, but also make them teach other theories such as creationism. Heck, we can tell them that crackpot theory that we’re all descended from gamblers too! Then everyone goes away happy.”
  4. “Stop bickering already!” says Billy-Bob Richards, Minister of Education. “I say that you can have your cake and eat it, too. Education should be split if it stops this debate. The parents can send their children to secular schools or religious schools, based on what they want their kids to hear. It’s expensive, certainly, but the public education budget has been needing boosting for ages anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hedge fund managers are diversifying into herbaceous borders.

2021-04-05 14:30

Blooming Out of Proportion

Your sister, who is an auction addict, has just given you a pot of white-dotted pink Gallopavian gladioli. She purchased it at auction for 500,000 chips, which she insists was a great bargain. Taking advantage of this, your financial advisors are prodding you to consider the possibility that gladiolus prices may have gone out of control in Random Chaos.

  1. “Your sister could have bought a fancy apartment in downtown Random Chaos City for that sum!” exclaims Charlene Mackay, your Finance Minister, leaning over the pot to sniff the flowers and turning away in disgust. “Eww, and they don’t even smell nice! This only shows that we have a gladiolus bubble building up, and Violet only knows when it will burst, blowing away the investors’ money and collapsing our economy. A financial crisis is the last thing we need now. You should set a ceiling trading price for gladioli and other goods that deviate too far from their actual intrinsic values, and put an end to unstable markets based on frenzied speculation!”
  2. “Whoa, since when do we meddle with the free market economy?” asks Viceroy O. J. Busbeck, a flamboyant merchant, who is renowned for his Gallopavian gladiolus corm importing business. “You can’t put a price on these gorgeous flowers! Well... I mean to say, you can. You know what I mean! Do you know how much effort and expertise are required to cultivate these rare gladiolus varieties? In fact, your government’s public finances could benefit massively if you were to buy a billion chips worth of gladioli, and you could probably sell them in a month or two for twice that! I’ll even wrap them up in a small bouquet for you! Speculative trading is a guaranteed win-win, right? Just buy flowers, and watch our economy blossom!”
  3. “Well, after a while the bloom will be off the gladiolus. What will you do then?” muses Agricultural Minister Jane Brueghel. “Paying crazy amounts of money for these corms enriches Gallopavia and is wrecking our balance of trade. But I know a way out of this. Leader, we should subsidise flower farmers to cultivate our own surprisingly-similar gladioli, and undercut Gallopavian traders in the international market. We’ll need to weaken the Gallopavian brand though... maybe a few fabricated health scares will do the trick.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, not even good behaviour will get transgender inmates any special perks.

2021-04-05 08:30

Pink Is the New Orange

It’s been identified that the proportion of transgender people in male prisons is around four times that of the general population.

  1. “The immediate problem here is the rights of trans prisoners,” asserts Alex Scheer, a transgender activist, who currently identifies as ‘don’t know, don’t care’. “It simply isn’t safe for transfemme prisoners to mix with the general male population. When deciding whether to send someone to a male or female correctional institution, we should ensure that all assignments are made according to identified, not assigned, gender.”
  2. “Look, transferring inmates that look like men into female prisons is asking for trouble,” states Iris Bacon, your Minister for Solutions, as you hand her today’s crossword puzzle and give up trying to complete it before she does. “They might be pretending, they might not. However, you have to keep men and women in different prisons. This isn’t about gender identity, this is about preventing pregnancy in prison and managing violence risk. We should build separate wings for these prisoners to ensure everyone’s safety.”
  3. “No, these are just jailbirds pretending to be trans to try to make their time cushier,” declares Head Warden Severus Gilligan, as he flicks your light switch on and off several times. “They’re looking to receive special perks, such as separate cells and showering alone. We ought to take ‘gender-identity’ off our databases, and only record ‘biological sex’. That’s the only metric that matters in running efficient and safe prisons.”
  4. “Four times is probably an underestimate, as many transgender people may be afraid to reveal themselves,” expresses Sophie Mistletoe, your Minister of Equality, as she places the chairs in your office equidistant from each other, perhaps taking her duties too literally. “It’s not hard to suppose that we as a society are suffering from institutionalised transphobia, resulting in trans people being marginalised or over-convicted. We need society-wide education programs, to banish this bigotry. Then, maybe, we’ll not see so many transgender people behind bars.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is under martial law.

2021-04-05 02:30

Police on Overkill Mode?

When the police recently used a main battle tank to stop a robbery in downtown Random Chaos City, many questioned whether the police should be buying up army surplus.

  1. “I thought the police were there to make things better!” cries Carter Vercingetorix, gesturing towards the devastated shopfront. “One moment I was being held up by a guy in a mask. The next thing I know a 50 ton war machine is roaring through my shop! Instead of some derelict stealing the money in the till, the police pulverized the entire building! Surely that tank was overkill? They’re cops, not commandos.”
  2. The offending tank drives up to your office with sirens blaring, stopping just before it hits the building. The tank’s turret swivels towards your head, then the hatch swings open and Officer Hope Cox pops out. “Howdy! So ... you heard about that robbery we crushed - literally - downtown with Bessie here? I just want to say that militarization is the best thing that ever happened to law enforcement. Never been easier to strike fear into the hearts of criminals! In fact, you should loosen the rules of procurement for police equipment. Then we could have some real toys! To deal with gangs, of course, not to run around like drunken idiots.”
  3. “Officer Friendly here appears to overestimate the logical potential for heavy weaponry in everyday law enforcement,” complains Chief of Department Marlon Kidman while glaring at the tank outside your office. “Special weapons and tactics have their place in hostage negotiation and riot control, but they shouldn’t be deployed routinely. We should have heavily armed paramilitary police units, but they should be elites reserved for exceptional circumstances.”
  4. The tank drives off, ruining the gardens around your office. “I can’t believe you let amateurs use heavy armor,” comments Sigourney Ripley, a military attaché from Maxtopia. “Occupying unruly neighborhoods can reduce unrest, but only if the job is done by professionals. Let the army handle all police work from now on, and you won’t have untrained idiots demolishing every street sign in their path. Nothing maintains law and order quite like the barrel of a gun and a proper curfew.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tourists flock from around the world to see Random Chaos's famed 'rainbow slums'.

2021-04-04 20:30

Slum Village Extraordinaire

After the growing shanty-towns on the outskirts of Random Chaos City were featured in an issue of “Regional Geographic”, domestic and international sources have been loudly insisting that something must be done.

  1. “Obviously, the current welfare system isn’t generous enough,” says mother-of-six Marina Meyer, counting out beans from the bottom of a can. “I have to support my whole family with just a few chips a week! It’s no wonder there are so many homeless all over. Welfare spending has to increase! And radically! Oh, some people might abuse it, but only a few!”
  2. “That’s just foolish!” says street dweller Jill Strange, fitting a clean bedsheet onto a freshly polished park bench. “Welfare payments are enough, the problem is people are too proud to claim them! Look at me — since I swallowed my pride and registered at the welfare office, I’ve got more than enough chips to get cleaned up and start looking for real job. Welfare should be compulsory for anyone out of work. Give people a handout whether they ask for it or not, they’ll be off the streets in no time!”
  3. “I’ve got a better idea,” says Ultramegastore CEO Ned Butt, “I’ll tear down the slums and replace them with my stores. Underneath each one, I’ll build a huge underground apartment complex. The former slum dwellers can live rent-free in the apartments, and work in the store. We can pay them in Ultramegastore vouchers rather than cash, to make sure they stay separate from society. The shantytowners would have steady jobs and a place to live, I’d have more locations, you’d be rid of those dreary slums. Everyone wins, right?”
  4. “What a bunch of hogwash!” says paint franchise owner Tabitha Hesse, “We shouldn’t give these people money, and we can’t take their homes away. The solution is very simple; paint the slums! A quick coat of Vintage Lime or Tropical Sunrise will transform the look of those shanty towns, and tourists and social workers won’t be offended any more. Of course, you will have to pay someone to add a fresh coat from time to time, but tell you what — I’ll cut you a deal on the paint.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 90% of active duty RCAF personnel have been laid off and replaced by robot kill-drones.

2021-04-04 14:30

Wounded Veterans Demand a Helping Hand

RCBS Nightly News has run an interview with a former Random Chaosian Army officer who has resorted to using a hook as a replacement for the hand he lost in combat after the Department of Veterans’ Affairs failed to cover the cost of prosthetic surgery, prompting a deluge of complaints about the way Random Chaos takes care of its wounded veterans.

  1. “You can’t ask young Random Chaosians to go overseas to serve their country and then abandon them when they come home injured,” insists recently returned double-amputee Rosalina Schwarzenegger. “Wounded veterans like myself who have given their limbs for this nation deserve to live in handicap-accessible housing, and to have the cost of our surgeries and therapy fully covered, even if it does cost an arm and a leg. What’s the point of spending so much on expensive new tanks and planes if you’re not going to take care of those of us who have given so much already?”
  2. “We couldn’t agree more that these brave veterans deserve a better standard of living,” hastily interjects Agnieszka Baldwin, CEO of military equipment supplier Global Strategic Solutions, Inc. “But there’s no sense cutting procurement orders to pay for it. We would consider it our patriotic duty to foot the bill for free prosthetics for anyone injured in the line of duty ourselves. And all we’d ask in return is an agreement to plaster — er, decorate — the prostheses with advertisements for our civilian sales branch.”
  3. “That takes care of the symptoms, but not the cause,” announces Professor Declan Glover, Director of the RCAF’s highly secretive Special Projects Division. “As long as we insist on using flesh and blood troops on the battlefield, these kind of injuries are going to continue to cause so much inefficiency — oh, and human suffering too, I guess. I say it’s time we unleashed Operation Codename: Giant Killer Robots!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, small shoes often wash up on the beach.

2021-04-04 08:30

A Boatload of Trouble

The Coastguard reported that following stormy weather a trio of small ships capsized in the Gambler Strait. This resulted in the deaths of 78 illegal immigrants who were trying to enter Random Chaos under cover of darkness, including many children and two pregnant women.

  1. “It’s our moral responsibility to stop people drowning in our waters,” lectures Maritime Operations Officer Peter Shaft, respectfully removing his cap. “You should deploy more coastguard vessels, linked to surveillance drones and a dedicated networked HQ. Give me an eye on every square metre of our seas, and no-one will drown again.”
  2. “Why don’t we just lay out a welcome mat while we’re at it?” complains Immigration Minister Virginia Barrow, closing the office door to keep a draught out. “The danger of the journey acts as a deterrent, and that keeps illegal immigration numbers down. If anything, we should be reducing the coastguard, and concentrating solely on protecting fishermen, beach-users and marina businesses. If the journey across the strait is even more dangerous, then even fewer illegals will attempt the journey.”
  3. “It’s because of our immigration laws that people are dying in the first place,” muses your Minister for Extracartonic Cognition. “Why don’t we provide a free ferry service to bring anyone who wants to come into the country? We’ll also need unrestricted immigration and generous compassionate welfare payments. I’m sure these unskilled immigrants will boost our economy. Eventually.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sex changes are routinely performed at Random Chaos's hospitals.

2021-04-04 02:30

Transgender Recognition Demanded

After tabloid magazine “The Bun” outed supermodel Cho Berenstain as having been born male, the fashion world has gone into a frenzy, with the organisers of Random Chaos City Fashion Week barring the model from the runway. Social media has gone into meltdown with commentators from all sides of the argument demanding that the government step in.

  1. “I have gone through twenty years of internal pain about my external appearance, and I’ve put so much effort and money into finally having the world see the real me!” blogs the model. “Gender isn’t a binary proposition: gender identity is not necessarily the gender assigned at birth. I was fortunate to have private funds and supportive parents, but not all are so lucky. Please recognise my right to self-determination of identity, and help those like me get the surgery and medicine they need.”
  2. “Look, man is man and woman is woman: it’s written in our chromosomes. You can’t choose to be a different gender any more than you can choose to say you’re a gambler,” broadcasts right-wing talk radio host Louis Gutenberg. “Hey, a man wants the liberty to dress as a woman, I won’t deny him that: just don’t expect the taxpayer to pay for his operations and medicines.”
  3. “Well I got a problem with these cross-dressers,” spits cargo-hauler Harry Navarrete. “One time I thought I was hitting on this waitress at the pie shop, only turns out she was a he. Man, it sickens me. Lock dem all in an asylum till they get their heads straight!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no personal detail is too tiny for the suede-denim census police.

2021-04-03 20:30

Random Chaos Taking Leave of Its Census?

When the latest National Census asked citizens to specify everything from their shoe size to the consistency of their stools, leading privacy activists and the casually paranoid started raging that the process has become too intrusive and that the anonymity of the respondents is at risk.

  1. “Enough, I say!” melodramatically rails Warren Brandeis, while angrily doodling crude images of the male anatomy in every tick box on the census form. “With this level of detail, any hope of anonymity and personal privacy will be but a distant whisper. Why should we trust the blasted establishment to know every single detail of our lives, let alone where we live? I have no intention of entrusting the government with my full demographic profile, and I implore anyone with a shred of decency and respect for the sanctity of the domestic sphere to opt-out of this Orwellian intrusion!”
  2. “Nonsense!” counters Tracy Mullins, policy wonk at the Random Chaosian Bureau of Statistics, dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s of an essay question. “Without accurate and meticulously detailed census data we’ll be completely lost! How can we make informed decisions when there’s no information? How will we know what areas of the country to target with our... welfare programs? No, we need to have greater authority to make sure everyone is filling out the census!”
  3. “Yee-haw, pardners,” strums country-music star Carrie Targaryen. “No need to bring out the big guns there fella, I’m sure these fine folks would be just gosh-durned happy to fill out all of your ticky boxes, if you get them in the right mood. Let me and my friends churn out some songs advertising the glories of checking boxes, and you’ll have them lining up to submit all the data you want in no time! To make sure they really, really get the message, you should make all them medias play our hearty honky tonk exclusively during census-time! Now ain’t that a peach?”
  4. “Let’s be reasonable here,” suggests Gerald Chan, manager at ‘Surveys R Us’, while wielding a sharp pair of scissors. “Me and the gang can trim down and freshen up the census for you - a slice here, a dice there - and make it into something so feel-good and inoffensive that nobody will object to answering it. Granted, the results will have to be a bit more, eh, let’s say ‘aggregated’, but I’m sure the boys at the Bureau will manage to make somewhat informed and semi-relevant estimates nonetheless.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, torture is illegal.

2021-04-03 14:30

No Pain, No Gain!

Due to the recent capture of a foreign terrorist in Random Chaos, high-level military officials want the government to authorize torture to extract information about other terrorist activities.

  1. “Torture is the only way that we can get these idiots to tell us anything,” says General Renee Octavian of Random Chaos’s special forces division. “After all, violence is the only shared language we have with these scum.”
  2. “Are you kidding?” states political activist Zeke van Dyke. “Torture never works. If anything, it should be outlawed. What do we want to become, genocidal maniacs?”
  3. “There’s nothing wrong with torture, but we can’t make it too obvious,” says Secretary of Defense Commodus Columbus. “How about we simply ask them nicely, and then, if they don’t tell us, we kill them? That’s better just from the intimidation.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chalkboards are replaced with billboards in the classroom.

2021-04-03 08:30

The Magic (Of Advertising!) School Bus

An educational budget shortfall has prompted several local school districts to allow companies to advertise on school buses. This, of course, has aroused a major controversy over the ubiquity of advertisement.

  1. “I would like to let you know that I have a problem with this,” states high-school social studies teacher Elaine Sanders. “I teach my students all the time about the negative effects of advertising on the populace, and then at the end of the day, they leave on buses inundated with this very corporate propaganda! It must be outlawed! And since we’re so strapped for cash, have the rich pay up for once.”
  2. “Corporate propaganda?” exclaims Jean-Luc Annan, CEO of Omni Consumer Products, “You’ve got to be kidding me! This is all harmless, you see. The advertising on buses is great for the school systems. How else would girls know that Maxxxi brand pads are right for them? Now, if you just sign here, businesses will be able to cover the buses with signs - to support education, of course - and perhaps we can advertise all over the schools themselves, too.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry and the Top 5% for Fattest Citizens, Highest Wealthy Incomes, and Highest Unexpected Death Rate.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many of the country's largest dumps can be seen from space.

2021-04-03 02:30

Landfills Filling Up

After claims of two-headed gamblers being seen near the numerous landfills of Random Chaos, there have been calls for the government to act.

  1. “Look at that thing!” wails famous environmentalist Dixie Smit, pointing at one of Random Chaos’s largest dumps. “It’s an eyesore, a pollutant, and a damn disgrace! What we need to do is get everyone recycling their waste! What we have left we can shoot into space in specially-made space shuttles and we’ll never have to think about it again! Sure it’ll be expensive, but considering the benefits to the great outdoors, I think we should consider it.”
  2. “Ah, the expense!” moans Jabulani Bond, government economist. “Do you have any idea what that would cost?! A much better way of dealing with this waste is to burn it and use the energy it produces to power Random Chaos’s big cities. There may be a few side-effects on the environment, but with all the cheap power coming in who would care?”
  3. “Oh come now,” says Monica Hammarskjöld, a nearby suburbanite. “There’s no need to bring all the pollution into the cities! These dumps can get a whole lot bigger you know. Just keep piling the rubbish on and we can use them as tourist attractions or something. People will flock to see how high they can climb our artificial mountains! If we run out of space, just knock down a few forests. No one will notice.”
  4. “You’re all missing the real solution,” argues Vladimir Norris, president of the ‘Random Chaos First!’ society. “Why should we bother building landfills at all? I’m sure that there are plenty of less-fortunate countries out there who would be more than happy to take our litter in return for some cash.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaos City Film Festival recently voted 'Random Chaosian Getting Hit By Football' as best film.

2021-04-02 20:30

Foreign Tax Credits Leave Film Industry Reeling

More and more Random Chaosian film studios are turning to Brancaland due to the generous tax credits of the picturesque coastal city Maxhoover. Industry representatives and local patriots alike have prompted calls for action.

  1. “CUT!” shouts controversial film director Paris Day, known for her unapologetic patriotism and xenophobia, who is coincidentally filming a scene in your office. “Leader, if I may be frank, why don’t we punish these unpatriotic hacks? They show a complete lack of respect for our culture and take jobs away from hardworking citizens. Can’t you put these people on some sort of watchlist and create some sort of committee to assess their loyalty to Random Chaos?”
  2. “What is it about these debates that always attracts crazy extremists?” sighs Woody Laine, the mayor of a lakefront city in Random Chaos. “As much as I’d love for my city to be the face of the film industry, how can we blame these studios for going over to Brancaland? They offer generous tax credits, their people are friendly, and their environment is ranked as one of the best in the world. What we should be doing is offering tax credits of our own to encourage film crews to shoot movies and shows right here at home. Oh, and would it kill you to help us clean up the city? The streets and parks are littered with trash!”
  3. “There’s no need to get your unmentionables in a twist aboot this,” suggests eccentric Brancalandian talent agent Mike Shatner with long pauses between his words. “I’ll have you know that actors are one of Brancaland’s primary exports. In return we offer tax credits and the best studios that money can buy. Unless you want to risk damaging your country’s relationship with Brancaland and deny your people some quality acting, like the award-winning Spit Leader Says, I suggest you make it easier for studios to choose Brancaland over Random Chaos. By the way, was that a great impression of you, or what?”
  4. “I would like to suggest that we advertise Random Chaos to a classier audience,” remarks snooty independent film director Chip Rudd while sipping on a glass of Brancalandian Red. “You don’t want the riffraff making Random Chaos look like a bunch of uncultured hicks with explosions and gore-fests, do you? With generous investments in the industry, we can attract the right audiences and weed out the boorish undesirables. You could even host yearly film festivals in Random Chaos City to encourage more people to film in our exquisite city!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, insurance companies charge extortionate premiums to cover homes near waterways.

2021-04-02 14:30

Swept Away

Unusually heavy rainfall this week burst riverbanks and caused flash flooding in Random Chaos’s low-lying areas. This has sparked much debate on how the state should deal with flood damage.

  1. “We need help to recover from this horrible flood!” says Shinzo Weatherhead, a resident of the flooded zone, trying to stop his hands from shaking. “I’ve lost everything: my house, cars, yacht. There was no time to recover anything before it was swept away. The government should compensate us for our losses. It wasn’t our idea to can the dam project, after all, and if I get no help I’ll be without a roof to live under.”
  2. “At the end of the day, they chose to live in a flood plain. Why should the government pay anything at all to these half-brained idiots?” rants Sydney de Jong, a prominent campaigner for lower government spending. “If they want money when there’s a flood, they should get insurance and hang the expense. Make them bear the costs of their own lunacy. You don’t see ME whining about the whippersnappers that broke one of my windows last fall. Why? Because I paid for insurance!”
  3. “These floods should never have happened in the first place,” states Aphrodite Larkin, a noted architect, with an excited glint in her eye. “They’ve caused widespread destruction and damage; the repairs will cost millions of chips, and this doesn’t count the millions more people are asking in compensation. What I propose is that the government invest heavily in massive flood defenses. Dams! Levees! Floodways! Dikes! Dams! Gates! Wall off the seas and lakes! Put flood gates on every river! No, dam them all up! Then build more dams! We’ll have no more floods in Random Chaos!”
  4. “You know what? Why don’t we use the cheap, easy solution to stop this problem?” says Gabriel Ryan, floating past on a makeshift raft. “Just stop people from building on flood plains. If you’re not in a floodable area, you can’t get flooded. Who’s going to complain? A bunch of real-estate developers? Please! Even the environmentalists will be happy, because the land will become some kind of nature reserve.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Corporate Police State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, exploding toys that leak battery acid are back in the shops after the government declared child safety 'over-rated'.

2021-04-02 08:30

In the Black

Determined to make their point strongly, an intimidating gang of Customs Police Officers and Revenue officials have arrived at your front door with sacks full of junk: home-copied DVDs, knock-off imitation designer clothes and dodgy electronics gear. All these are illegally traded goods, seized today within a mile’s distance of your own home. The black market is out of control, they say, circumventing both industrial standards and retail taxation.

  1. “We must break illegal trade with the direct application of brute force!” roars Revenue Officer Ken Stark, incandescent with rage. “Send in the police force! Send in SWAT teams! Destroy these outlaws and punish their customers! Undeclared trade is tax evasion, and tax evasion is rebellion. Crush the rebels!”
  2. A cockney fellow in a long trench coat sidles up to you and whips it open in front of you. To your relief, the only thing he is exposing is a selection of fake watches hanging from the inner lining. “Cor blimey, guv’nor, the black market is just us geezers exercising a bit of cheeky chappy freedom! Duzzit do yer harm? No it don’t! Duzzit make people chipper? Yes it does! Just have the old rozzers leave us in peace, and turn a blind eye or two to stuff falling off a lorry, and we’ll all be laffin’ our way to the bank. Now, would you like two Rowlex timepieces for the price of one?”
  3. “He has a point... The black market’s size is indicative of a free economy’s response to government over-regulation,” observes Gerald Bullock, a far-more respectable looking businessman, presenting you with some colourful line-graphs to support his argument. “Relax those regulations, and economies of scale will allow legitimate private industry to triumph, and the proportion of economic activity dominated by the black market will likely fall. The black market is just a symptom. Wage laws, bureaucratic red tape, excessive industrial standards: they’re the real sickness.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Eco-Friendly Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, old folks reminisce about the last time someone was acquitted of a crime.

2021-04-02 02:30

Hearsay Heresy

In a recent high profile trial in Random Chaos City, notorious mobster Maxine ‘The Octopus’ Barryotti was accused of murder, racketeering, grand theft, and jaywalking. The trial ended in acquittal on all counts after several witnesses - who had given detailed and damning out-of-court statements to police - failed to come to court. The prosecutor’s office has now come to you demanding that Random Chaos review its laws regarding the use of out-of-court statements.

  1. “What a miscarriage of justice!” shouts disgruntled district attorney Haley Dent, as she flings a huge stack of police reports on your desk. “Look at all of these great statements made by a dozen witnesses, but now that jerk Maxine goes free just because they didn’t personally show up. You know how hard it is to wrangle up a dozen witnesses for trial? Like herding bats! That trial should have ended in a guilty verdict after five minutes, but the way things are it’s a coin-flip whether justice is done or not. If a witness makes a report to a cop, that cop should be able to testify to what was said.”
  2. “You can’t be serious!” cries family attorney Tam Hagen, who defended Barryotti. “Don’t you realize we have this rule against out-of-court statements for a reason? A person can only have a fair trial if they get to confront their accuser face to face in open court. Sometimes the reason witnesses don’t show up to trial is that they know they were lying to police all along! Allowing in all of these out-of-court statements will mean more innocent people get convicted. Sure, sometimes a guilty person will go free... ahem, not my client of course, but some actually guilty person. But isn’t it better a thousand guilty people go free than to wrongfully convict even a single person?”
  3. “All of this is too complicated,” interrupts Mark Commodus, an imperious-seeming minister, “and this right here is why people are so darn sick of all these courts and legal shenanigans. Seems like any way you slice it, dumb rules get in the way of justice. I propose a third way: bring back trial by combat! Let the accused wrestle with a gambler, and if they win they didn’t do it and get to go free. If they lose, we bury their remains in a shallow grave. It’s a foolproof system that our ancestors used for a thousand years, and I’ll tell ya, they didn’t waste a pretty penny on it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, authorities are looking for a stool pigeon to rat out who is stealing food from pigeon toilets.

2021-04-01 20:30

Bye Bye to the Birdies?

After Smalltopian journalists reporting on recent protein powder trade negotiations penned more articles on Random Chaosian government buildings covered in bird droppings than international commerce, questions have been raised as to whether Random Chaos’s “pigeon problem” has gotten out of control.

  1. “Get these damned flying rats off me!” yells Buffy Hitchcock, a member of the Random Chaos City Beautification Council, desperately trying to wave away the pigeons pecking at her. “These vermin are everywhere, defecating on us, spreading disease and damaging bronze and marble with their caustic droppings. It’s all happening because a bunch of nutjobs are feeding them to feel good about themselves. Leader, ban pigeon-feeding immediately, so we may be free of this feathered pestilence!”
  2. “This is their city as much as it is ours,’’ sings your childhood nanny Miriam Poppout, while staring at a snow globe with unsettling intensity. “You can’t let these beautiful creatures die! We should embrace bird feeding. Random Chaos City will become known as ‘The City of a Million Pigeons’ and tourists will flock from across the world to see the birds and feed them at only two chips a bag.”
  3. “I can’t see what the fuss is about,” chimes in B.F. Spinner, a spokesperson of the Random Chaos City Ornithological Society. “Ask any illusionist or postman you know: pigeons are highly trainable animals. If the problem is that they are pooping around, they can simply be given potty training. Just put small toilet bowls at designated spots in the city, equipped with a food dispenser that gives food pellets when a pigeon poops there. The pooping behavior will thus be positively reinforced and voila! - the next time the pigeon will go to the toilet bowl when it needs to poop. Problem solved!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, frequent fliers are obliged to submit to invasive security procedures by government security.

2021-04-01 14:30

The Sky Is Falling

A particularly bad spate of bombings, hijackings and snake attacks aboard airline flights has crippled the air travel industry in Random Chaos. The government has convened to discuss possible ways of improving airport security.

  1. “It’s a no-brainer,” says Malon Riker, frisking you as you enter the meeting. “Put police officers on every flight, armed and ready to deal with those blasted sky pirates! It’s deterrence and protection wrapped up in one. If anyone so much as says the word ‘bomb’ they’d better watch out!”
  2. “You want to put people with GUNS on aeroplanes?!” asks Sean Zahm, a security guard at Alfred Farnsworth International Airport. “And at the taxpayers’ expense to boot? For the love of Violet, keep the police out of this! Airport security should remain in private hands! Think realistically for a moment: government priorities change all the time but companies are in it for profit. Bombings are BAD for business! We don’t LET them happen! So just... butt out will you? I’m not losing my job to a flatfoot!”
  3. “We don’t need no copper protectin’ us! We can look after our own hides!” laughs Ellie Mansbridge, president of the Random Chaos City Rifle and Revolver Association. “Air flight passengers should be allowed to carry concealed weapons. If one of them terrorists thinks he’s gonna walk all over Random Chaos like he owns the place then he’s got another thing coming, ha!”
  4. “I only wanted to tour The Hatrackia for a few w-weeks,” wails Johann Skywalker, recovering from a particularly vigorous strip search. “I have a right not to be probed and prodded at the whim of some wand-waving monkey with a high school education! For a whole HOUR I might add! They treat us like cattle! In the name of DECENCY, I request, nay DEMAND an end to the disgrace that is airport security! I mean, really, it’s like they don’t trust me or something!”
  5. “Let’s just ban all planes!” shouts Nyota Black, prodding you angrily in the chest. “Bombings and terrorist attacks aren’t the only problems these things cause! The aeroplane is one of the worst pollutants mankind has ever created! They’re loud, they’re ugly, and they burn fuel like there’s no tomorrow! There are more environment-friendly ways to travel than by plane even if they are slower! Much slower. But cleaner!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, diplomacy falls apart when diplomats drink too much.

2021-04-01 09:00

Withdrawing Diplomatic Relations

At a recent international summit in Brancaland, the Random Chaosian delegation became violently ill. Brancalandian doctors say all of them were suffering withdrawal symptoms because they were addicted to the drugs in Random Chaosian tap water.

  1. “It’s really sad to see what these drugs have done to your people,” quacks Dr. Julia Kimmel of the Brancalandian Health Service. “One of your envoy’s aides almost died of hyponatremia because she drank so much water trying to get high. And that’s not even getting into long-term health effects for people that have been on these drugs their whole lives, or the developmental effects on Random Chaosian children. Please, you have to stop drugging your country’s drinking water. We can help you organize a detox program.”
  2. “Who ever heard of getting sick from drinking too much water? And what kind of nonsense word is ‘hyponatremia’?” comes the muffled voice of the aforementioned aide, sulking beneath a blanket in her hospital bed. “Everyone knows it’s important to stay hydrated. I’m not addicted to anything, and it’s obvious this is all just a cover story to hide the fact that someone poisoned us! We need to pull our diplomats out of Brancaland for their own safety and send those nasty Brancalandians a strongly worded letter!”
  3. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! There’s no need for that!” interjects your Foreign Relations Minister, who downs a glass of water. “Our people just need a taste of home to keep them from getting, uh... homesick! We’ll just have to make sure all our diplomatic representatives bring a large supply of Random Chaosian drinking water everywhere they go, and warn them against drinking the local water in any of the countries they visit! Maybe we can do this for all our other citizens who go overseas, like tourists and students.”
  4. “Okay, the diplomats are important, but providing safe water for all of our citizens abroad would be a logistical nightmare!” asserts a jittery and paranoid government bureaucrat, twitching occasionally as she talks. “My commiserations to the students and tourists, but international travel has to be limited to official government business so we can make sure nobody leaves the country without adequate supplies.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens and the Top 10% for Fattest Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, health-conscious denizens drink their dogs' water.

2021-04-01 02:30

Of Mice and Meth

A growing number of citizens are reporting sightings of strange animal behavior since the nation’s water supply was drugged, ranging from carelessness and daredevilry to frantic dancing.

  1. “You guys are the greatest in every way — especially you, dearest Leader — but this contamination is destroying our environment!” exclaims recreational urban habitat observer Eobard Oz, sipping from a completely safe glass of government-approved tap water and dribbling some on the floor in his excitement. “My colleagues and I all witnessed a colony of mice baying at a statue of you. Of course, I see something like that every day... but we all saw it this time! I’m sure you could cut the dosage of drugs in the water down to a safer level and people would still love you!”
  2. “Whoa, who cares about, like, a few pesky rats? This water is, like, poisoning our pets, dude,” says Kristy Vasquez, an enthusiastic pet lover who was particularly thirsty this morning. “You don’t have to, like, stop stoning the water, but maybe you should sell some safe water specifically for pets or whatever. You could even make it taste funny to make people not wanna drink it. Then, like, maybe my bunnies won’t try to breathe water anymore.”
  3. “Listen to this buffoonery-talk of baying rodents and suicidal rabbits; it’s obvious there is a problem, but not just with animals,” rants Rex Cooper, a sociologist who’s secretly been drinking pond water. “Drugging our water supply is truly despicable, and you bottom feeders must stop it at once! It is hurting our environment, as it is hurting our civilization, and whoever told you this was a good idea is frankly pond scum. I-” He coughs up a little minnow.
  4. “Listen to these dissidents; the drugs clearly aren’t powerful enough!” exclaims your Minister of Crowd Control and author of the internationally condemned book H2Whoa: Random Chaosian Utopia. “If anything, we’ve got to dump MORE into the water supply! So what if a few people start reacting like the animals? A few people howling at the moon now and then is much less dangerous than letting them think.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chemically brainwashed citizens praise Leader's name on an hourly basis.

2021-03-31 20:30

Got Democracy?

As waves of pro-democracy protests continue in The Hatrackia, with several actually toppling long-standing regimes, your advisers fear the protests could soon hit Random Chaos. An emergency conference has been called to discuss the looming crisis.

  1. “We must crack down hard on all rebels who dare to betray our beloved nation!” roars Rosalia Moneypenny, head of the Random Chaos State Police. “We must use whatever force is necessary to prevent these protests from happening here. Specifically that means roving death squads and informants monitoring all anti-government activity to shut them down before they revolt. So long as Leader is our ruler, treason shall never go unpunished!”
  2. “Atrocities would only give these protesters more motivation to rebel,” quickly counters Agnes Suparman, your Propaganda Minister, while reading through socioeconomic figures. “Some of their complaints are worth looking into, if you don’t want the wolves at the gates. Establish large-scale public works projects to lower unemployment and things will be back to normal in no time. We could hire people to build schools and health clinics and repair utilities. These protesters say they want a revolution, but I think you’ll find they’ll settle for a lot less.”
  3. “The people are angry and fed up with the system. If you want to stop the protests, you must give them exactly what they want!” dramatically declares a protester who somehow smuggled herself in through a food cart. “The time for real democracy is now!” Between screams of pain, as your bodyguards tackle her to the floor, she finishes, “By any means necessary!”
  4. After disposing of the trespasser, the meeting resumes. “We can’t allow TRUE democracy. Do you really think that the people would pick a suitable replacement for you?” says Dave Carey, your most loyal bodyguard, while sharpening a halberd. “For all we know they’ll elect some anarchist with an ax to grind! How about we let them vote, but we only permit reputable Party members to run? That gives the people the right to decide small matters, while making sure that critical issues are left to our Party veterans.”
  5. “I have an unorthodox way to solve this once and for all,” suggests your questionably sane Interior Minister, playing with a chemistry set despite the gravity of the meeting. “Instead of all that ‘populism,’ why don’t we infuse the water supply with, I dunno, sedatives or something?” He grins maniacally. “Imagine how easy it would be to control the citizenry! Put the right drugs in the water, and I’m sure you’d have zero dissidents. Think about it: you could abolish all those superfluous legislatures and make yourself Random Chaos’s absolute ruler.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, blood stains the floors of the execution room and the hands of the state.

2021-03-31 14:30

The Violet Mile

With an increasing number of inmates on death row, more commonly referred to as The Violet Mile, concerned experts from all walks of life have asked you about which method of capital punishment is the best to use on Random Chaos’s felons.

  1. “Lethal injection is by far the most cost-efficient and clean method of execution,” suggests Venus Hart, a wild-eyed and grey-haired military scientist who looks as if she hasn’t slept in twenty years. “Also, if we’re disposing of these worthless criminals, we may as well test out some of the more ‘experimental’ lethal chemicals that our R&D department is working on. They’ll require some tweaking to get right, but these scumbags are dead men walking anyway, right?”
  2. “What’s wrong with a good, old-fashioned hanging?” proposes Beavis Oliver, a historical reenactor dressed in a period-accurate Random Chaosian War infantry uniform. “We can hang the criminals in the town square, right in front of the watchful eyes of the public. We could even encourage fruits and vegetables to be thrown at ‘em as they swing! Ah, it’ll be a fine public spectacle, and a grand deterrent too!”
  3. “You know, as much as we like to disavow less advanced cultures as ‘primitive’, I think they have some right ideas,” comments big game hunter Fumiko Vangelis, who recently returned from a safari in more savage lands. “I visited a tribe who execute troublemakers and the occasional sacrificial virgin by throwing them into an active volcano. They say it pleases the gods, and keeps disaster at bay. Sounds like a sensible plan to me.”
  4. “How about a method that’s fun for viewers, and gives criminals a chance to earn a pardon?” asks sleazy reality show producer Ian Killdamon. “We could place the criminals on an island, each with a weapon, and tell them they have 24 hours to kill each other. The sole survivor would then win his or her freedom. We could broadcast this battle royale live, and the ratings would be through the roof!”
  5. “Maybe we should aim to be as humane as possible when we take life?” asks butcher Roger Connery, wiping his work knives clean on his apron. “We got bolt guns we use in the slaughterhouses. BAM. One bolt, one kill. Fast, effective, only a little messy.” He looks down at a circle of splattered mess on the floor. “Is anyone else getting hungry talking about this?”
  6. “Kill the death penalty!” chants activist Rory Kennedy, bursting out of a hiding place in your stationery cupboard. “Cull government sanctioned murder! Destroy these needless acts of revenge violence! An eye for an eye makes the world go blind!” The intruder pokes your security guard in the peepers with a pencil, then flees the room.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the "temporary replacement bus service" is now a permanent fixture.

2021-03-31 08:30

Stop Training and Start Coaching

A feasibility study into railway lines in the boondocks of Random Chaos has suggested that they are economically unsustainable. It is reported that some lines are running trains with less than one passenger per carriage on average. The committee behind the study has suggested that these lines be shut down, and replaced with coach services.

  1. “This is an unfortunate situation, but it isn’t in the public’s interest to maintain every single line when a coach service would do just as well,” observes Vera Mason, Chair of the Feasibility Committee, and coincidentally also director of the largest coach factory in the country. “While buses may offer somewhat slower travel, they can offer more tailored and direct routes for small towns with small populations. They’re also cheap and require far less maintenance.”
  2. “Stupid, bloody townies!” screams Chastity Smit, a disgruntled long-term resident of an isolated mountain village. “We need good and sturdy transport to get anywhere safely and comfortably, and to maintain trade and supply links with the rest of the country. The rail might not make a direct profit, but it stimulates the wider economy. The government should pay for rail connections to every place that has someone living in it. Plus, have you ever been on a long distance bus? That many folk in a small enclosed space for that many hours... well, let’s just say travel sickness isn’t the only reason passengers feel nauseous.”
  3. “I don’t see why rural people need public transport at all,” protests Harambe Bond, a city dweller holding a ‘Taxation is Theft’ placard. “If they choose to live in isolation, then they should deal with the consequences. It’s not like in the city, where commuter trains are standing room only. Not only should you cut government spending on public transport to rural communities, you should reinvest it in city centre infrastructure.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Armed.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens rise at daybreak every day for mandatory exercise.

2021-03-31 02:30

Widening Buttocks Cause Movie Theater Havoc

Several festively chubby people were lodged in their movie theater seats for hours, as Random Chaos’s Fire Department worked to free them. Health organizations are now expressing concern over the problem of obesity in Random Chaos.

  1. “Clearly, we have to do something about the expanding obesity problem in Random Chaos, er, no pun intended,” remarks Tiberius Fitzgerald of the National Health Bureau. “The government should implement an extensive exercise management program and make it mandatory that all citizens participate in some kind of exercise at least once a week.”
  2. “Mandatory exercise! Get out! I don’t have the time!” snorts nationally renowned TV chef Beavis May. “How about banning those greasy fast food joints and drive-thrus? I mean, seriously, if you can’t get out of your stupid car to walk in and get a meal, how sad is that? Ban fast food and make junk food more expensive—that way, people will have to think about whether they really want to spend ten chips on a snack cake.”
  3. “I don’t see why it’s anyone’s business but my own how I kill myself,” says Fumiko Snow, a pleasantly plump former computer programmer, midway through a chili dog. “My weight is my own business, and if I don’t feel like exercising, that’s my choice. Sure, it’d be healthier to lose a few pounds, but my priorities lie elsewhere. Leave us alone, and we, the citizens of Random Chaos, will decide what’s important to us and what we want to eat.”
  4. “What about government-funded liposuction?” asks Lance Bourdain, while contemplatively chewing a mouthful of chili dog. “If I could get the fat sucked off of these hips, that would give me the willpower to stay thin. Obesity would be a thing of the past! Just think of it! Nothing but svelte, beautiful people everywhere! Ah, bliss!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gun ownership is compulsory.

2021-03-30 20:30

Compulsory Gun Ownership?

This weekend, a citizen’s group calling itself Gun Owners of Random Chaos has petitioned Congress with a controversial bill making gun ownership compulsory.

  1. “This is a very important step to securing the rights and lives of our families and controlling the government,” urges noted gun ownership proponent Tracy Price. “Not only would it significantly decrease crime, but it would also effectively stop government tyranny in its tracks. Of course, this also means that every wacko and their cousin will have a gun, but don’t worry, you’ll have a gun to defend yourself from them, so it will all work out.”
  2. “While the Gun Owners of Random Chaos have the safety and security of our people in mind, it would simply be impractical to enforce,” comments Police Chief Carrie Wilson. “A better option would be to legalize, and encourage use of, concealed carry laws, which would allow responsible citizens to keep firearms with them at all times, on their person, to kill any wacko or their cousin who they think is threatening them.”
  3. “Compulsory gun ownership?! Concealed carry?! Are these fools nuts?!” rants an enraged Million Mummy March activist. “We don’t need any of these things! What we need is complete gun registration, so that the government can track down dangerous people, like those people who possess unregistered weapons.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, demand for gourmet white truffles is on the rise.

2021-03-30 14:30

A Meal to Die For

The execution of convicted double-murderer Xanatos Riker was carried out yesterday. The killer had no final statement, but in a spiteful act of defiance, ate mere morsels of his last meal - a six-course feast, which he had specifically requested just days prior. Concerned with the fact that over 8,000 calories were provided to a dead-man-walking, and most of it ended up in the trash, many are calling for the condemned-row tradition of the “last meal” to be put to death.

  1. “We need to remember the victims!” exclaims Chris Zahm, director of one of the largest victims’ rights organizations in Random Chaos. “Did that killer ever give his victims a chance to eat a last meal? Absolutely not. Should Random Chaos allow the worst-of-the-worst to select comfort foods before their dates with death? Absolutely not. They deserve as much kindness and mercy as they gave to their victims - absolutely none! Do away with this so-called tradition! Let them eat whatever the prison is serving the general population on the given day of their execution.”
  2. “People on death row are still people,” explains death row exoneree Isabelle Farnsworth. “I know from first-hand experience that the condemned might not be the best people around, but they still should be afforded the dignity of a proper last meal. Why deny them one final comfort before they meet their end?”
  3. “So let me get this straight: this bleeding-heart liberal thinks we should literally cater to convicted murderers?” questions notorious former prison warden Miles Mansbridge. “These ‘people’, if they can still be referred to as such, deserve nothing but to quietly bide their time until they are put to death. In fact, forget last meals, these scum don’t deserve the meals they already receive! After all, we shouldn’t waste any food on death row trash, and if anyone deserves to be taught a lesson, it’s them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the public are free to vote for whomever the government wants in office.

2021-03-30 08:30

Power to the People?

Several underground organisations in Random Chaos have recently been spreading discontent throughout the populace about not being able to vote.

  1. “We demand the power to rule the country the way we want!” cries Layla Waialiki while being dragged before you in chains. “Too long have you and your dictatorial government been allowed to control our lives! The right to vote in a fair and free election is all we crave! You can take our lives, but you’ll never take our souls! Elections for Random Chaos!”
  2. “If you’ll take my advice, we should just send these crazies down to the dungeons,” murmurs Roger Cullen, one of your political advisors. “If we let them spread this propaganda we’ll soon have a revolution on our hands! We should crack down on these groups, seize control of news media, and ban non-governmental political organisations to keep the people from getting too frisky with their pitchforks.”
  3. “There’s no need to be quite so dramatic,” assures Joseph Kirk, your Minister of Silly Walks as he pinwheels past. “We could let them have their way a little, just to keep them happy, you know? We could give them the right to vote, but not the right to run for office. Then we could just pick out the candidates we wanted and they could choose! We’ve been doing this for years, we don’t want some uppity new bloke trying to tell us what to do.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Automobile Manufacturing Sector and the Top 10% for Largest Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teddy bear James Dean (aka "the Rebel Without the Claws") helps convince kids that candy cigarettes are cool.

2021-03-30 02:30

Sweet, Sweet Marketing

Recent studies show childhood obesity is on the rise, and many believe this to be the fault of attention-grabbing packaging on sugary foods.

  1. “How are we supposed to keep our children healthy when all of their favorite cartoon characters are shown brazenly endorsing these products?” screams angry mother Isabelle Navratilova. “Children who can’t readily distinguish reality from fiction are tricked into thinking they need these products to be like their heroes! We mothers demand that packaging should never be designed to influence the minds of children! We demand plain and informative packaging!”
  2. “Come now, surely people can be trusted to make their own decisions?” purrs fat-cat CEO Anthony Tyger. “Besides, you could argue that being exposed to advertising at an early age trains young people to be discerning consumers. It’s a form of real-life education. Trust instead in industry self-regulation, and keep government out of it. That’d be gr-r-reat!”
  3. “I think the fact that this is an issue in the first place speaks volumes about the way we see larger people!” cries your morbidly obese Minister of Compassion, weeping as she munches on a bowl of frosted Happios cereal. “Why can’t we allow people to be whatever shape they are without ostracism? Let bigger kids be bigger kids, and if anyone criticizes their weight, that should be deemed illegal hate speech!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the mining industry has taken a hit from tighter environmental regulations.

2021-03-29 20:30

Diving for Chips

Divers from a local scuba club have discovered an enormous underwater gold deposit that could be worth billions of chips in one of Random Chaos’s lakes. It has also caused a huge debate over who should be allowed to plunder the goods.

  1. Amber Chekov, a cabinet member, would like the government to seize the deposit. “This is an excellent time to boost Random Chaos’s economy and increase our foreign trade with other countries! Who cares about the people that discovered the deposit? They’ve done their country a great favor and should let us have the money!”
  2. Dirk Jackman, a civil rights activist, vehemently disagrees. “The deposit was found by private citizens and it should be their choice of what to do with the gold. If the government goes around stealing what is rightfully ours, then I shudder to think I live in such a corrupt country. These people discovered the gold, it’s now their time to get rich! Never mind the fact they were diving in a lake on government property!”
  3. “We should do what now?” Environmentalist Katniss Ponta exclaims. “Do you have any idea how damaging it would be to the environment to mine the gold under that lake? Think of all the aquatic life that would be disrupted or destroyed! Think of how an otherwise pristine lake view would be ruined! Forget the gold and keep those money-grubbing pigs away from nature!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the most common psychiatric diagnosis is to 'stop whining and grow up'.

2021-03-29 14:30

Ten Days in a Mad House

Investigative journalist Selma Castro has published a damning critique of Random Chaos’s mental health facilities after spending ten days undercover as a psychiatric patient in Random Chaos City State Asylum. Her report details abuse, incompetence and negligence, and has led to angry clamors for reform of how the system is managed.

  1. “These hospitals are being run like prisons!” belts irate social worker Ivan Huffington as he slams down a copy of the article on your desk. “Patients are treated like inmates; their rooms are like cells, and these antiquated ‘treatments’ redefine barbaric! Something must be done!” He pauses for a moment to regain his composure. “We need to completely revamp the state of mental health treatment in this country. Let’s start by convening a meeting of all the world’s leading psychiatrists - put up at our expense, of course - and then build a new specialist care facility in every town in Random Chaos.”
  2. “I’d like to spend more money on psychiatric care too, but there simply isn’t any room in the budget,” grumbles Random Chaosian Health Service accountant Birgitta Phillips. “At this rate we’re already going to be running a deficit next year anyway. We should be cutting down on expenses, not spending more. The taxes we save will mean citizens will have more in their pocket: they can pay for private treatment if they aren’t happy with our basic services.”
  3. “I think we’re missing an opportunity here,” muses Minister of Internal Security Ganondorf Weatherhead. “This troublesome reporter hasn’t actually been fully released from the Asylum yet. Why don’t we just revoke her discharge paperwork and keep her there? We’ll put the kibosh on her little ‘exposé’. It’s obviously the ravings of a mad woman. In fact, we could arrange a little ‘mental health treatment’ for all those meddling journalists! And don’t you think the Leader of the Opposition might enjoy a checkup too?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, traffic jams are a common sight due to construction work from a massive overhaul of the nation's freeways.

2021-03-29 08:30

Road Rage Rampage

Due to the ever-increasing traffic on Random Chaosian highways, commuter tempers are flaring, leading to an increase in road rage related accidents. A recent case in which a very impatient driver attacked and seriously injured a slow driver has brought the subject rapidly to the highest levels of the government.

  1. “The problem is that our highway system is sorely in need of an overhaul,” claims social commentator Yui Vega. “Random Chaos’s highways were constructed with a far smaller number of cars in mind, and we’ve exceeded that traffic load by a substantial amount, resulting in traffic jams. Traffic jams lead to impatience, impatience leads to anger, anger leads to road rage, and road rage leads to violence. We need to expand the freeway system by adding more lanes to relieve the traffic congestion.”
  2. “You add new lanes, even MORE people will drive, putting us right back at square one!” counters Danni Cotchin of Random Chaos’s public transportation committee. “Instead of throwing tons of money at a short-term solution, why not spend it on improving bus and rail service and encouraging carpooling? Oh, and get more highway patrol officers to crack down on these violent drivers who pose safety threats to the rest of us.”
  3. “*BLEEP!* that *BLEEP!*” Catherine Gratwick yells at the top of her lungs from the window of her very large pickup truck with a gun rack mounted in the rear window. “The government should just *BLEEP!*ing stay out of our daily *BLEEP!*ing drive! They ought to let us *BLEEP!*ing rushed businesspeople go about our daily *BLEEP!*ing business, no matter what *BLEEP!*ing measures we have to take to get to *BLEEP!*ing work on time!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's forests are full of treasure hunters in military-grade survival gear.

2021-03-29 02:30

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Random Chaos

Eccentric millionaire Klaus Serling caused an uproar after he said that he hid a treasure chest filled with one million chips somewhere in Random Chaos City. Widespread trespassing and two deaths have caused great debate over whether the hunt should go on.

  1. “Excuse me, coming through!” booms Random Chaos City’s overworked Chief of Police, Robin Barker, having roughly detained a teenager who was outside your door. “Look at this chaos! Can you imagine the logistical nightmare if this treasure hunt is allowed to continue? Thousands of people stampeding and tearing up Random Chaos City and rioting if they don’t win? If you care about the safety and security of your citizens, you should put an end to these shenanigans and heavily restrict treasure hunting so it complies with public safety standards.”
  2. “Hold on!” yells your Minister of Tourism as she rummages through your desk. “You can’t put an end to this hunt. The people clearly want it to continue. Everyone is happy, buying supplies, and generating profits for local businesses. In fact, this should be an annual tradition! That will really bring in the tourists!” She storms out of your office after realizing the chest isn’t there.
  3. As you finally relax in your chair, you are greeted by your Minister of the Environment Ásmunda Gonzalez, who happened to be hiding behind your office plant. “I have a great compromise! Imagine if you had these treasure hunts in our great national parks! Picture the rush of people exploring and appreciating the great wilderness that Random Chaos has to offer, under supervision of course, all for the price of a ticket.”
  4. Your phone rings several times before you answer it. “Hello Leader,” says a distorted voice of indeterminate origin. “I can’t help but notice that there are some key government critics who are also searching for the treasure. Wouldn’t it be convenient if they got lost following some faulty clues?” You immediately hear a click and a dial tone.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, newspapers print only headlines.

2021-03-28 20:30

Balancing the Books

After selling just 187 copies, How to Repair Your Cat for Dummies was shockingly still the national #1 best-seller this year. In response, a small group of effete, sweater-vest-clad bookworms have used copies of War and Peas to barricade themselves in your office.

  1. “That’s truly shameful,” sighs local librarian Amber Chandra, pulling a copy of The Visible Hand from within the deep pockets of her overcoat. “The solution is subsidizing books. The reduced prices will encourage Random Chaosians to buy a good ol’ book again. Infinite knowledge is waiting just behind those pages, Leader. Folks just need a little nudge.”
  2. “It’s not their choice anymore,” declares your Minister of Education, while reluctantly putting down a copy of The Complete Works of Shakespeare. “People don’t realize what they are losing by not reading. If Random Chaosians stopped watching ‘The Brash and the Backstabbing’ and actually read something, we’d have a more interesting, enlightened, and productive populace. For everyone’s sake, make it mandatory to read a book every month.”
  3. “What about us?” asks the best-selling author Bax Marry, already signing a copy of his feline mending manual without you asking. “We are the ones that need help. It took five years of hard work and painful scratches to figure out how to properly cauterize a cat’s cataract. You know what we need? A little incentive to keep us inspired to make great masterpieces. Establish a government-sponsored workshop to help up-and-coming writers. I could teach them a few lessons I learned while writing my smash hit.”
  4. “Uggh, if you can’t write in three sentences or less you’re being overly wordy,” mutters one of your secretaries, while briefly scanning a summary of the erudite malcontents’ requests. “If people don’t want to read a lot, why force them?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, in the Beginning was the Word and the Word was "Pragmatism".

2021-03-28 14:30

Hostile Hospitality

Two missionaries have been arrested in the avowedly atheist hermit nation of West Fedoriah while supposedly on a sightseeing tour of the country. They stand accused of undermining the nation by proselytising on behalf of a major religion.

  1. “This is a clear and concerted effort to foment dissent against our glorious Republic,” phones in the West Fedorian ambassador from his embassy, a repurposed bungalow on the outskirts of Random Chaos City. “Our legal system is very clear on the penalties for such a heinous crime: twenty years hard labour in one of our reeducation camps. I imagine our President might be tempted to show some clemency in this case, were you to make an entirely voluntary donation to his chosen charity, the World Atheism Independently Funded Union.”
  2. “It’s never been our policy to support this kind of reckless endeavor,” sighs religious leader Jane Suparman. “Well, not for the last couple of hundred years at any rate. Look, while I appreciate the contributions these two have made to our faith, it seems clear to me this is a diplomatic matter, not a religious one. Why don’t we leave them to their fate, and stop all future travel to West Fedoriah to dissuade any other wannabe proselytists?”
  3. “These two holy missionaries are martyrs of the faith!” declares your Minister of Holy Wars. “Or at least they will be, after we carpet bomb the city where their prison is. We must show these West Fedorians that they can’t mess with a major religion! You must agree: a crusade to convert them from atheism to the one true faith is the only way forward.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, police officers that upset their bosses get assigned to 24 hour stakeouts of bike sheds.

2021-03-28 09:00

A Problem Shared

Bike-sharing organisations in Random Chaos are facing a bump in the road: inconsiderate users. From theft to vandalism, irresponsible users are forcing bikes to be replaced at unprecedented rates. The future looks bleak for bike-sharing, and without some swift intervention, the sound of bike bells across the nation’s cities may be consigned to distant memory.

  1. “The misuse of our bikes must stop!” exclaims Zeus Wiener, the CEO of Cycology Degrees, an urban bike-sharing franchise, his two-wheeler tracking mud across your expensive carpet as he parks it against your bookcase. “It is essential that the police are given the resources to catch and punish citizens who damage or disappear our bicycles. Otherwise, our burgeoning bike-sharing scene will collapse even before it has taken off.”
  2. “Clearly, this is a failure of the private sector,” claims Conan Dovey, the Minister of National Development, adjusting his red beret. “If such enterprises were to be nationalised, we could ensure that all bicycles used meet safety and security standards. By retrofitting every bike in the land with theft-proof components, auto-locking mechanisms and GPS tracking systems, we’ll be able to ensure no bicycle will ever be stolen or tampered with again.”
  3. “Nonsense! What those bike-sharing organisations actually require are more easily replaceable stock,” argues origami-lover Jennifer Levi, passing you a folded paper unicorn of unknown significance. “Inexpensive eco-friendly cardboard bikes would surely save loads of money, are entirely safe, and are fully waterproof and fire-resistant. If it wasn’t for user scepticism, we’d have been using them long ago. You could encourage their use by banning metal bikes, and with a few business subsidies.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children have lost interest in toy guns in favor of toy meth lab kits.

2021-03-28 02:30

Bright Orange Is the New Black

A misunderstanding involving a 12-year-old boy, a plastic toy gun, and five heavily armed police officers has resulted in substantial public uproar. The major news networks are having a field day over-analyzing the manufacturing and selling of bright orange sci-fi inspired toy guns for children.

  1. “We’re raising a generation of natural born killers!” writes left-wing mommy-blogger Rochelle Benteen in her latest Barryblog post. “Next thing you know, they’ll want to play with real guns! When will it end? Remember, people don’t kill people, guns do! Even toy guns! We need to get anything that even remotely resembles a gun off the market!”
  2. “Hey! That’s our jobs you’re talking about!” bemoans Rory Gruber, the CEO of Big Toys Inc., between puffs of a comically large and illegally imported cigar. “Banning our most popular toy lines would seriously damage our industry. I’d say the best way to handle this situation is a healthy corporate tax break. If we paid less taxes, we could up production and flood the market with so many toy guns that no kid would even want one! Then we sell them something better,” she says, letting out a long eerie laugh as cigar smoke fills the room.
  3. “Y’all gotta be kiddin’ me,” grumbles local gun enthusiast, Agatha Nahasapeemapetilon before spitting into a tin can near the doorway. “Plastic toy rayguns ain’t doin’ nobody no harm. When I was li’l we played with BB guns all th’ dad-gum time! Y’all wanna ban toy guns? Shoot, we should let ‘em have real guns! Make it legal, n’ all. I bet it’d even lower crime rates! Who’d wanna rob a house knowing little Tommy has a 9 mil?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, droves of former desperados are applying to join the border police.

2021-03-27 19:30

Cowboys and... Aliens?

A gang of rough-riders has been policing towns along Random Chaos’s border, rounding up illegal aliens and “escorting” them back home.

  1. “Who do these thugs think they are?” asks popular liberal blogger Bob Wang. “The police should be the only ones handling border control! If we leave it in the hands of wild frontiersmen, immigrants will be herded and probed like gamblers! It’s despicable, it’s degrading, and it must be stopped!”
  2. “Why, we just helpin’ our community, is all,” drawls the self-proclaimed sheriff of the cowboy gang, Harry Fjord, as he slides off his saddle to shake your hand. “Matta’fact, we’re helpin’ the gov’ment as well, enforcin’ border control and keepin’ yer towns safe from them damned illegals. I can handle m’boys, so don’t you worry ‘bout a thing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, UFO sightings are listed daily in the morning news.

2021-03-27 13:30

Close Encounters of the Sci-Fi Kind?

A recent, well-publicized UFO sighting over rural areas of Random Chaos has turned people’s attention to the skies, and what... or who... might be up there.

  1. “This event proves one thing: there are other life-forms out there,” says eccentric astronomer Charlotte Morricone, “All we have to do is find them! What is the price of a few hundred radio telescopes compared to the benefit of living in peace and harmony with our brethren of the stars?”
  2. “Spies! It’s gotta be spies! A few planes or satellites from our enemies or ‘allies’ in our region,” rages General Han Swift, head of Random Chaos’s military, “The only way to keep those snoops out of our airspace is to patrol the streets ‘n skies, and shoot ‘em down! Even if they are some sort of little green aliens, a couple of SAM batteries and a few flak cannons’ll keep ‘em from abducting our gamblers.”
  3. “Extraterrestrial life-forms? Alien invaders? I don’t know why we even have to listen to such idiocy!” complains prize-winning physicist Marjorie Cartman. “In my opinion, the idea of ‘aliens’ on another planet is highly unlikely, and even if they did exist, getting from there to here is technically impossible! I say we forget this nonsense and stop spending our tax chips on it. Leave this sort of foolishness to the people who attend those ‘trekkie’ conventions.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's taxpayers pay for foreign government's extravagances.

2021-03-27 07:30

Dial L for Loan

After a recent unfortunate incident involving a foreign casino, a gambling addicted crime lord, and a secret agent that was a bit too confident in his poker playing abilities, the government is currently strapped for cash. Your Finance Minister has reminded you of a swathe of delinquent government loans made to a small nameless nation in your sphere of influence that could be called in to close the budget gap.

  1. “If they can’t pay up, why we’ll get a The Hatrackia tribunal involved!” declares Lars O'Leary, your Finance Minister. “Start by removing their spendthrift leadership, and install a stooge, er... someone who understands the gravity of their international obligations. Next, forcibly privatize some of the most easily monetized state services. Why, I bet some of Random Chaos’s businesses might even be interested in buying them.”
  2. “How soft!” mutters Rosalina Vader, leader of the infamous ‘Loan and Pool Shark’ mercenaries, while menacingly holding a pool cue. “It’s time you went full repo man on these money squanderers and take what’s owed to you. They won’t dare to object to a few of their warships, crown jewels, or national treasures going to the cause.”
  3. “A thousand pardons Leader!” pleads the country’s ambassador, Owen Dett, while kissing your feet. “Although our nation is a mere insignificant speck of dirt compared to the might and majesty of your nation, we implore you to find it within your heart to forgive the debts of us, the most ‘umblest of nations.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ships are encouraged to deliberately run aground onto Random Chaosian beaches.

2021-03-27 01:30

Winning at Battleship

In an ongoing war that Random Chaos is embroiled in, your navy managed to capture something interesting: a huge but ageing battleship. You are now the arbiter of her fate.

  1. “She’s not likely to be a very useful military asset in this day and age,” explains shipyard director Cho Egan while putting some blue papers on your desk. “After all, she was pretty easily captured by our navy. But look at what she’s made of - seventy thousand tons of steel! Think how many cars you could make with that. Help us build ship-breaking yards on the shoreline of Random Chaos, and it’ll boost the coastal economy forever.”
  2. Admiral Looney, who coordinated the capture, has a different point of view. “Our navy has been sorely underfunded for years; this ship could be part of the boost we need. Back in the age of sail, navy captains who brought home prizes like this were rewarded and thereby encouraged to keep bringing home more prizes. Those ships would then be crewed, and made our fleet stronger! I think we should bring that system back in place so that our courageous sailors can expand our forces and prove themselves.”
  3. “Corals grow very well on iron,” comments environmentalist and hippie Matilda Shewhart, dumping her banjo and flowers for the occasion. “If we clean off all those horrible chemicals and oil residue, scupper it a few hundred metres off the coast, and divert shipping routes around its resting place, then we’ll have a nice, bustling reef within a few years! It really would be a poetic end for a weapon of war to become a bedrock of life.”
  4. “This old girl may not be battleworthy, but she’s still a piece of naval history,” gushes navy recruiter Steve Beethoven. “As a museum ship in harbour, this awe-inspiring battleship will amaze folk from far and wide. It will remind us of our history as a proud military power, show people how outmatched our foolish enemies were, and encourage young people to feel the patriotic call of duty.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is customary to begin the summer with a fasting ritual in which people eat nothing but kumquat smoothies.

2021-03-26 19:30

Thin Evidence

The spread of obesity in Random Chaos has fed a cottage industry of weight-loss gimmicks promising immediate results. After your Minister of Health was hospitalised with severe Vitamin B12 deficiency after he tried the Gambler Beach Miracle Diet, officials are asking you to address the dangers of unhealthy fad diets.

  1. “A lot of these so-called ‘diets’ are invented by scam artists who don’t know anything about nutrition and don’t care about their customers’ health,” clamours Assistant Director of Public Health Rory Larson, jabbing the air animatedly with a carrot. “We need tighter regulations to make sure only qualified dieticians can give dietary advice.”
  2. “What are you talking about?” chortles Gambler Beach Miracle Diet spokesperson Catherine Gratwick, as she languidly runs a bony hand through her fine hair. “Thanks to my miracle diet, hundreds of Random Chaosians have consciously uncoupled from their body mass. Now they’ve lost weight, look great, boosted their energy levels, and even improved their hearing! In fact, you should encourage our public-spirited endeavours with a small subsidy to help grow our small businesses. Just think how much nicer our beaches will be when they aren’t covered with fat people.”
  3. “We would never have had this problem in the first place if we’d done a better job of educating our children about proper nutrition,” chirrups Ministry of Health Press Secretary Agatha Sajak, passing around a ‘Get Well Soon’ card in the shape of a giant pink rabbit holding a heart. “We need to invest in rigorous culinary arts programs and nutrition science classes in all Random Chaosian schools.”
  4. “You’re all thinking too small,” exclaims your Minister of Health’s overzealous personal assistant Daniel Andersson, as his colleagues exchange nervous glances. He pulls a wedge of colorful pamphlets out of his briefcase and passes them around the conference room. “You can give people all the information in the world, but some just don’t listen. The only way to be sure everyone eats healthy is for us to directly control everything they consume. Imagine: food served through government cafeterias, nothing but healthy meals and reasonable portion sizes. Think on it: no obesity and no poverty. Free and wholesome food for all, delivered by the government that cares.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lonely people are supposed to be cheered up by the many parties that they are never invited to.

2021-03-26 13:30

All the Lonely People

Random Chaos City University researchers have reported that as many as 1 in 3 people in Random Chaos may be suffering from chronic loneliness. Studies say this is causing considerable harm to people’s health, as dangerous as smoking a pack of cigarettes each day.

  1. “The problem here is social isolation,” observes lead researcher Dr. Elena Rugby, who is plastered with a distracting amount of facial make-up. “Lonely people could just use some government-funded opportunities where they can meet up and chat, get-togethers where they might find the man of their dreams after being left at the altar thirty-two long years ago.” She sighs wistfully and averts her gaze.
  2. “No, the problem here is perceived social isolation, not actual isolation,” interrupts co-researcher Mackenzie Thomas, talking to you via a carefully crafted sock puppet on his right hand. “Mr. Sock here thinks that it’d be better to provide counseling and drugs to brighten up life. You’re only alone if you feel alone.” He pecks Mr. Sock on the ‘cheek’ and smiles happily.
  3. “No, no, no! The problem here is that these socialists are attempting to isolate big government solutions,” complains socialite Daisy Hawkins, smoothing out her second-hand green velvet jacket. “If you really want people to be less lonely, then cut back income tax a bit, and they’ll have more disposable income to get out and meet people. More money equals more happiness!”
  4. “No, no, no. And no. The problem here is social isolation being seen as undesirable,” comments introvert Ringo Harrison, offering his thoughts softly from behind a pair of face-obscuring sunglasses. “Wouldn’t the world be better if everyone just stopped all this inane chatter and got on with some quiet reading? Oh, there’s an idea: maybe you could make two hours every evening into no-contact time, where people aren’t allowed to talk or interact with each other. That’d be... nice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens must pay to enjoy Random Chaos's pristine beaches.

2021-03-26 07:30

Get Efficient, Private Sector Tells Nature

A group of prominent business identities has proposed privatizing Random Chaos’s beaches.

  1. “Have you been to the beach lately? It’s disgusting,” says company spokesperson Jacob Looney. “There’s litter, there’s teenagers smoking, and there are people enjoying themselves without paying for it. Let the private sector in on this, and Random Chaos’s beaches will be the talk of the region! And a nice little earner, too.”
  2. “Whoa, whoa, we’re privatizing beaches now?” says local campaigner Naomi Shewhart. “These are public spaces! All Random Chaos’s citizens have a right to enjoy them, not just the well-off. Yes, we should improve the quality of our beaches, but handing them over to the money-grabbers is not the right way to do it. The right way to do it is to boost government spending by increasing taxes.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry and the Top 10% for Most Eco-Friendly Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hundreds of teenagers die every year at the Random Chaosian Hungry Games.

2021-03-26 01:30

Feasting or Fasting?

After a month spent surveying the country and asking adolescents to bend over and touch their toes, researchers from the Healthy Eating Analytical Research Think Tank limped home to nurse some black eyes and calculate their figures. They found that Random Chaosian teenagers are among the fattest in the world. Now, as you sit down to a sumptuous seven-course meal and a decent Marche Noirian red, your guests are all keen to opine on the topic.

  1. “You know what you should do?” says your nephew, Karl, cramming a slice of peacock-stuffed-ostrich into his mouth. “You should have a big annual games, just like the Ancient Maxtopians did, where gladiators fight to the death with spears. Except this time, the fatties get thrown into the arena. The winners would receive hundreds of thousands of chips,” he jumps in his seat excitedly, “A- And t-the losers,” a little peacock flies out of his mouth, “would perish like the wimps they are. I bet you anything people will flock to Random Chaos City to see jumbo mortal combat!”
  2. “Why have teens fight with sticks when you can offer them carrots instead?” asks Brenda Capulet, the catering assistant who always wanted to be a chef, while wheeling in a cake tray. “Just replace all those nasty sugars and fats with healthy alternatives.” She places a meringue beneath your nose, smiling with pleasure as you take a bite, “You’d never guess that meringue’s made with stevia, agar gel and chickpea aquafaba egg substitute!” She beams, as you spit the chemical concoction discreetly into a napkin, “Just force manufacturers to take all those nasty ingredients out of our food, and our young people will be fitter in no time.”
  3. “Yea, verily we are a nation of gluttons, forgive us,” pontificates the Archbishop of Random Chaos City, Reginald Holst, before cracking open his sixth lobster-claw. “If we are to be absolved, we must fast. Make it compulsory that every Random Chaosian, children included, fast for forty days every year in accordance with our religious principles... except those of advanced spiritual enlightenment, like us,” he adds, out of the corner of his mouth, “That’ll trim waistlines and straighten out a few souls too.”
  4. “How ‘bout this for an idea?” blurts Otohime Pelosi, author of popular self-help manual ‘Big, Brainy and Beautiful’. “Just butt out. Big is who I am, and big is beautiful. Stop trying to legislate our teens’ behinds, and instead promote plus-size beauty for the betterment of our national self-esteem. A little butter never hurt no one; that’s what I’ve always said!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hand-to-hand combat experience is udderly essential for all dairy ranchers.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

2021-03-25 19:30

To Catch a Beef

A rancher on the southeastern border of Random Chaos was killed during a cattle raid on his farm. The death marks a peak in a growing trend of cattle rustling around border communities.

  1. “This is a travesty!” yelps Ruby Johannsen, the cousin of the deceased. “Johnny lived to farm. He’d sooner jump from a bridge than hurt a fly. I tell you, these acts — these unspeakable attacks — are being committed by those damn South Nobovindians. They’re envious of our cattle. They slip across in the dead of night, steal any livestock they can and kill anyone who dares get in their way. Give us combat training, some guns, and the right to use them freely: these rustlers must be stopped at all costs!”
  2. “We don’t even know if it was the Nobovindians,” cautions City Commissioner Alina Quinn, while casually sipping on her coffee, “and it would be completely improper for us to go off half-cocked on hearsay and emotional testimony. There’s a proper investigation to have, and leveled and reasoned response to hold. Let’s not go rattling the saber over roast beef.”
  3. “They’re bastards, that’s for sure,” states a man covered in dried grass and gambler droppings. “We don’t need to catch them. We don’t need to deter them. We need to explode them. Tag a dozen cows, rig them with dynamite, let ‘em be stolen and see where the explosions come from. That’ll tell you where these thieves are. That’ll tell you where to bomb. Trust me, there’s no such thing as disproportionate retribution.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, businesses are abandoning the city centre because of the lack of transport connections.

2021-03-25 13:30

Market Crash

On a busy Saturday morning, a minicab driver took a shortcut through a crowded market street. After skidding on some banana peels, he lost control and crashed through a dozen fruit and vegetable stalls, narrowly avoiding injuring anyone. Pedestrians are donning full body armor, and Random Chaosians are beginning to accept that reckless driving and speeding in the inner city may be just another fact of life.

  1. “The roads themselves are letting drivers get away with high speeds,” says Elsa Ramirez, a market stall holder, wiping pulped tomato from her face. “We need traffic calming measures on our city streets: chicanes, speed-bumps, curb extensions, median diverters, and speed cameras. Slow down to save lives!”
  2. “That makes as much sense as putting a spike on steering wheels to get people to drive more carefully!” shouts Eugene Houseman, a junior town planner, heaving a hefty box of documents onto your desk. “According to these studies, by the Ministry of Transport itself, so-called ‘traffic calming’ measures actually increase accidents. Instead, we need to allow high speeds to be safe: that is, remove blind spots, and rebuild the city to allow for wide straight roads. It’s the evidence-based approach.”
  3. “Hmm... actually, can we think more on that steering wheel spike thing?” asks a familiar-looking cyclist with an irate expression, deliberately bashing your shins with his crutches. “You should make it so that all cars must have this, and you’ll end up with more careful motorists, whether it’s by operant conditioning or by natural selection. Now that’s what I call science!”
  4. “Why don’t you just pedestrianise a big chunk of the city centre?” suggests tourist John Wonka, adjusting his anti-smog facemask. “It’ll make the whole area much prettier, quieter and cleaner, and it’ll let you show off the beauty of the heart of the city.”
  5. “Or better still, why don’t you just take your hands off the steering wheel, and let folk drive as we please?” asks impatient commuter Carlos Phillips, wiping a suspicious red-brown stain off his front fender. “Typical nanny state, trying to tell ME how to drive! Get out of the way, government!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosians have replaced bears in a popular idiom.

2021-03-25 07:30

Nowhere to Go!

A number of citizens concerned about the lack of water closets in Random Chaos have kicked up such a stink that you’ve agreed to meet the various groups at your convenience.

  1. “I can’t hold it in any longer!” bursts out Violet Allen, red-faced and desperate. “The need for more free public conveniences in Random Chaos is painfully obvious. We demand the government roll out a program of construction lest the lack of them causes a stain on our good nation.”
  2. “Yes there is a need for more public facilities, but that is such a bog standard solution and would generate so much paperwork,” says Luigi Loo, head of Random Chaos’s largest plumbing contractor, Go With The Flow. “Take the plunge with us and we’ll give Random Chaos the fanciest conveniences in The Hatrackia. I admit this might require customers to spend a penny or two, but they’ll feel flushed with success when they see what they get in return.”
  3. “I have another solution!” cries Cho Frederickson, spokesbeing of eccentric primitivist group Nature’s Call as they take a stool by your desk. “I suggest you wash your hands of the matter by closing what facilities there are, and allow citizens to get back to basics by making it legal for any of us to use the nearest bush.” A twig that you hadn’t previously noticed falls from their hair.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, you can tell when Random Chaosians are being snarky by the fact their lips are moving.

2021-03-25 01:30

The Lowest Form of Wit

Caesar Rifkin, your Minister of Health, became a target of criticism when he responded to a political opponent’s colorful insults by saying “Maybe you should consider rinsing your dirty mouth with bleach. It might even help you get rid of that bad breath.” Unfortunately, some citizens took this as actual advice that this would work as a treatment for their own stinky exhalations, and have been hospitalized with painful injuries.

  1. “Look, it is not my problem that some people in this country aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer,” sneers Rifkin, throwing his arms up in exasperation. “Sarcasm, people! It shouldn’t be so hard to understand. Even my 5-year-old niece got the joke. I guess the proles must be so adept at comprehending rhetorical devices because of our robustly funded education system, and you DON’T need to spend more on that. That was me being sarcastic again, in case you missed it. Yeesh.”
  2. “Nonsense, people holding public office need to have full accountability for their statements,” says Holly Yossef, popping a handful of breath mints. “If the Health Minister himself comes up and says ‘use bleach for bad breath’, who am I to doubt his authority? I mean, can you imagine if a world leader was to suggest injecting bleach? Not that anyone but a blithering baby-brained wibbling idiot would ever suggest such a thing, but still, can you imagine the potential harm? We need to ban sarcasm and all forms of linguistic ambiguity from political discourse and censure this minister for jeopardizing our lives!”
  3. “Banning sarcasm? No way! This actually gives me a great idea!” exclaims Mark Falopian, your Minister of Alternative Solutions, rubbing his hands excitedly. “If anything, we should encourage our party members to employ as much equivocation in their speeches as possible, so they have plausible deniability if a statement of theirs falls flat. Did you make an unfortunate remark about Bigtopians? Just say it was sarcasm, problem solved!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children are seen fighting in the playground for bread scraps that fall out of diamond-encrusted lunchboxes.

2021-03-24 19:30

No Such Thing as a Free Lunch

A recent front page news story reported that “up to 10% of children may be skipping school lunches because they can’t afford them”. The journalist has since admitted that the phrasing of this reporting might have been slightly misleading, but insists that it’s technically true, and is leading a national campaign for you to introduce free school meals for young children.

  1. “My poor babies are starving,” says Kirby Parker, the journalist in question, and a father of four, as his butler trails behind him with shopping bags full of designer clothes. “I’ve got bills to pay and costs to meet: the government has a responsibility to put good food on my children’s plates!”
  2. “Now hold on a minute,” interrupts Lady Carrie Vonnegut, adjusting her platinum-rimmed tiara. “Parents only have a responsibility to provide for their own children, not anybody else’s. Why should the government spend my money feeding the sprogs of peasantry? If they don’t want their children to starve, they should work harder, and make more money. The cream rises to the top, don’t you know?”
  3. “Other things rise to the top too,” retorts Kim Cruise, a low-paid sewerjack who knows about these things. “Look, free meals should be for them that haven’t got moolah, like my kids. You think I like feeding them fried junk food? I don’t, but it’s all I can budget for. You should have vouchers for meals that parents can apply for if they’re poor enough. Schools - and indeed, supermarkets and restaurants - could be obliged to take these vouchers in lieu of cash, then take these vouchers back to the government for reimbursement. Yeah, it’s a bit more complex than a one size fits all approach, but it’s fairer.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children keel over while singing "Leader Gives Us the Water of Life".

2021-03-24 13:30

Pipe Down, Already!

Residents across your nation have been poisoned due to dangerous levels of lead in the drinking water. A particularly vocal quartet have arrived to tell you how they think you should handle the problem.

  1. “The government needs to fix our pipes!” shouts Lucina Bennett, a mother of four children, as she shows you the image of her teary-eyed youngsters shaking their empty Princess Sparkle-Gambler water tumblers. “Look at this report. Those old lead pipes are corroding and it is leaking into our homes. I cannot give this poisonous water to my daughters! Not only does it taste disgusting, it’s also a health hazard. You have to get rid of the old pipes and install new ones! Think of the children!”
  2. “What’s this woman prattling about?” huffs Heidi Grossweiner, your notoriously penny-pinching Treasury Minister, squeezing a chip until it cuts her palm. “Everyone knows that lead’s not dangerous. It’s good for you. I heard it just this morning on talk-radio. As your body absorbs healthful lead, it seeps into your bones, makes them stronger, and works to protect against the carcinogens of environmental radiation. What we need, Leader, is an extensive campaign to tell everyone the alternative facts about the many benefits of lead: posters, TV ads, catchy tunes... you name it.”
  3. “Replacing pipes would be so expensive, Leader. Fortunately, I have an excellent economic opportunity for both of us,” asserts Magnus Nagasawa, CEO of Basani Water, looking over his steepled fingers with a contorted grin. “People need water. We have water to sell. Simply allow us to add a small desperation levy, say double the price, and we can help the people of our nation while growing our economy at the same time. Sure, the cattle-class might not be able to afford it, but think of the economic incentives!” He sips his company’s water from a champagne flute.
  4. “Let’s just add synthetic EthyleneDiamineTetraAcetic Acid to the water we’ve got!” giggles chemist Sashona Thawne giddily, unaware of the blank looks everyone in the room is giving her. “Oh, for crying out glayven. It’s so simple that any child of five, with an advanced degree in chemical engineering, would understand. By giving the whole population preventative chelation therapy, we can guarantee everyone can drink the water, without wasting valuable time and money on repairing pipes or bringing in fresh water. And sure, a few people might get minor side effects, such as heart palpitations, nausea, fatigue, blood clots, and death. But most people will be fine. Probably. So if you could just sign here...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an exhibition on gambler memes is currently starring at the National Art Gallery.

2021-03-24 07:30

Gallery in Need of a Renaissance

Having suffered from a continual decline in visitor numbers, the National Art Gallery of Random Chaos reached a new low yesterday, as just two visitors came through the turnstiles - one of whom was only there to fix the plumbing. Artists and aesthetes are demanding the government revamp the dated gallery to revitalise the nation’s fading enthusiasm for the arts.

  1. “The reality is, no one cares about some portrait of a smirking woman from hundreds of years ago,” asserts conceptual artist and millionaire Tina Hirst, pouring formaldehyde over a chainsawed gambler. “To get people excited about the arts, we need to display artworks that are relevant to this day and age — like mine.”
  2. “Our National Art Gallery is no place for your avant-garde junk!” responds caustic art critic Ryan Sewer, admiring a renaissance-era still life of a fruit bowl. “The National Art Gallery is underfunded. The government needs to spend more on preserving and promoting our creative heritage, or we risk becoming a nation of uncultured swine!”
  3. “There’s no need to be bitter over the differences in your aesthetic tastes,” soothes sociologist Carmen Plath. “Our galleries need diversity. We should fill them with works from around the world, from all styles, and from all eras. Then we can proudly consider ourselves a beacon for cultural tolerance.”
  4. “This just goes to show that the common man lacks the percipience to truly appreciate art,” scoffs Lord Marmaduke, handing his monocle to his butler to polish. “If these plebs cannot appreciate the magnificent works the National Gallery have on display, they should be in the hands, and dare I say houses, of those with the taste - and perhaps money - to do so.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Advanced Defense Forces.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the first test of a good kindergartener is the quality of the sponge-baths they give.

2021-03-24 01:30

Introducing Altengarten?

Last month, a prestigious Random Chaosian retirement home had a novel idea: combining aged care and kindergarten. The idea was well-received by geriatricians and geriatrics alike, and now participants are proposing the model be adopted across the care sector.

  1. “It wasn’t just a frivolous idea,” states trainee care home manager Herschel Barber. “We attempted a trial run and monitored the subjects closely throughout. Every one of the elderly participants showed significant improvement in physical ability, mental health, and overall well-being. And the children learned valuable life lessons! Please Leader, implement this model of care across Random Chaos.”
  2. “Sure, the trials showed promise...” begins Melania Goldsmith, your Minister for Science. “But only one ‘class’ of children took part, and a mere 20 seniors! How in Violet’s name that’s considered a scientific trial is beyond me. Expensive policy proposals need rigorous trials and extensive research before being implemented wide-scale. If the effects are as beneficial as its proponents claim, surely it bears further study?”
  3. “You have got to be kidding!” replies kindergarten teacher Harold Weissenegger. “If you think my precious little kiddos are better off in a musty old folks’ home, you’re insane. No-one knows anything about what old Glynis or Ernest are like with children, and these kids won’t be the experiment to find out! Youngsters belong in the classroom with structured, disciplined teaching — old people’s homes should be for old people only.”
  4. “Yesterday, I had to change four patients in the space of half an hour,” interjects Tarquin Moore, an overworked carer from Random Chaos City Lakes. “And you want me to supervise children too? Nope. If you’re going to put youngsters in retirement homes, they’ll need to pull their weight. They can do all the dirty work, like changing soiled bed linen, while us qualified carers do the proper stuff! Maybe then I can finally catch a break.” He breathes an audible sigh of relief.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the poor are forced into bankruptcy by their energy bills.

2021-03-23 19:30

Watts Up With Rooftop Solar

As residential rooftop solar is increasing in popularity, Random Chaos Gas and Electric (RCG&E) has begun to offer resistance to the current billing structure, complaining that households’ electric bills are so low they can no longer afford to maintain the grid. With rhetoric on all sides becoming increasingly high voltage, RCG&E is asking you to approve a change in their fee structure.

  1. CEO Joule Ohm of RCG&E sweeps the papers off your desk, slams down his proposed fee structure, and then begins to speak, “If we are to maintain the grid while keeping power affordable for the poor, there has to be a change to the system. We need a flat grid fee charged monthly to all households regardless of energy use. With a grid fee, we can reduce the per kilowatt usage fee, so most users will hardly notice the difference.”
  2. “I couldn’t think of a better plan to kill my business!” yells Khethelo Ambrose, the amped-up CEO of Sol Invictus, Random Chaos’s biggest rooftop solar installation company. “If the power company charges you a huge fee no matter how much power you use, who will want solar panels? I have a bright solution. If RCG&E needs more money, let them raise the per kilowatt usage fees for everyone. But we need electricity meters in every household to track energy usage and whether homes with solar panels are producing surplus power to sell back to the grid. Let’s let the market determine the price of power!”
  3. “I could think of a better way to kill solar,” wheezes Rebecca Galavan, the octogenarian CEO of Relaxed Diamond Coal Company. “Ban it! Rooftop solar panels are eyesores, and they’re driving out Random Chaos’s mom and pop coal companies. No more, I say! We’re blessed with plentiful coal deposits; let’s use them to make cheap, local power. As for those global warming alarmists, why, the weatherman can’t even predict tomorrow’s weather, never mind the weather 50 years from now.”
  4. “This problem needs a solution grasped from the future, not grounded in the industrial revolution!” declares celebrity green-energy venture capitalist Melon Husk. “My company is beginning to develop initial prototypes for large-capacity home-use batteries. However, to make this viable in the near future, we just need a smidgen of government subsidies for research and production. I think the batteries we’ll develop will be affordable and, combined with solar panels, they’ll almost certainly be able to provide households with their energy demands. I’m pretty sure we can make power lines a thing of the past!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military is blowing up any threat to employment within the nation.

2021-03-23 13:30

Who’s Occupying What?

Many young, educated, and unemployed people are frustrated because jobs are being outsourced to workers in Bigtopia. On the other hand, low end service industries are seeing a shortage of workers, sparking debate over possible solutions to the employment gap.

  1. “Frankly, we shouldn’t be wasting time giving our children costly educations, just to have Bigtopians take their jobs,” remarks Khethelo Rasputin, a wealthy business executive sharing a drink in your office. “Let’s lift the ban on child labor and instead put our children to work in service and retail positions - jobs that can’t be sent to other countries. They might not get paid much, but it’ll at least get them working and this economy moving again.” Handing you a wad of money, he continues, “And we’ll both make a chip or two off it as well...”
  2. Eve Woolf, author of “Command Economies: The Communist Ideal” and part-time florist, slips into your office and says, “On that thought, perhaps we could use the government to allocate our resources... erm... children. To help economic efficiency, we’ll split them up early on, sending some right into the workforce where the economy needs them. We’ll raise the others through the education system.” The noted statist thinker, deftly rearranging your vase of roses, quickly adds, “It might be expensive to manage, and kids won’t get much choice in what kind of a job they get, but I think everyone will be happy after realizing that everything fits... perfectly...”
  3. “Our people need jobs, but giving more money to fat-cat business owners isn’t the answer!” remarks Kanye Edwards of the Occupy Random Chaos City movement, unaware of the ‘Hiring’ sign in a nearby department store window. “In fact, we should tighten regulations on robber barons to ensure they put our workers first. And make them pay a little more in taxes to help support hard-working Random Chaosians as well! Sure, the businesses may not like it, but it will help out the common man. Help the 99%!”
  4. “All ze jobs are VHERE?!” General Von Gugelheimer lets out a piercing scream. “Zose Bigtopians and zeir business friends need to remember vhich is ze better country! Never mind zat ze businesses at fault are based out of Random Chaos. Let’s blow zose Bigtopians off ze map! Boost ze military’s size, and ve von’t have to vorry about zem anymore. Trade vill take a hit, but isn’t ZE POWER vorth it? Hahaha... HAHAHAHA!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military recognizes no difference between male and female soldiers.

2021-03-23 08:00

Women in Uniform Under Fire

After a female Random Chaosian soldier was taken prisoner and brutally tortured in a recent skirmish, some citizens are calling for an end to female enlistment in the military.

  1. “This is a travesty!” argues Colonel Vandal Mistletoe. “The nation’s women are our most precious jewels, and we’ve been letting them go out and die on horrible, bloody battlefields. We need to make the frontline combat exclusively for men, or our womenfolk will be in peril. Women should be content with support roles like nurses, secretaries, and cooks so we can free up fighting men for the meat grinder - I mean, the front.”
  2. “The nation needs more fighting men, all right,” retorts Corporal Alexander Sullivan, phoning in from the front lines. “So much so that it doesn’t really matter whether they’re men. We should do away with all sexual discrimination in the military. So long as soldiers can meet physical requirements, shoot straight, and be ready to fight and die with a cry of ‘Roll the dice!’ on their lips, I say that’s all that matters.”
  3. “See? This sort of griping is why women are the only ones fit to be soldiers at all,” says obscure feminist author Birgitta Calder. “You don’t see women falling all over themselves to be a hero and keep men out of harm’s way. Women are more rational, keep cooler under fire, and are just as physically fit as men. I say we keep the men home and have an all-female military instead.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corporations claim the third ounce of any metal traded in a wicker-cone on the Sunday of a full moon as a charitable expense.

2021-03-23 01:30

Evasive Maneuvers

After a recent newspaper exposé revealed that many corporations in Random Chaos have been using obscure segments of the tax code to avoid taxation, an army of proletarian protesters marched on the companies involved. Naturally, the corporations sent out their own troop of crack lawyers, and they have met in the only conceivable middle ground: your office.

  1. “Let’s look at the legal facts here, shall we?” asks May Vajiralongkorn, a sharp-suited lawyer opening a manila folder filled with a seemingly unending sheaf of papers. “The organisation I represent acted within the strict letter of the law and structured its assets as anybody would - in a manner to avoid the maximum amount of tax paid. Taxes are designed to reward certain behaviours over others, by offering a scheme of incentives and disincentives to those behaviours: the mere idea that a change in which behaviours to reward, and that my organisation should finance that change retroactively, amounts to legislative tyranny.”
  2. “That’s bloody ridiculous!” puffs red-faced protester, Wei Coleman, blowing spittle all over his supercilious counterpart. “They’re trying to paint all of this as something that any reasonable person would do - but it just isn’t! I don’t know every inch of the tax code, and it’s not like I can get all these smug big-shots to hang around the flat and tell me how to ‘structure my assets’, or some other rubbish. They knew what they did was against the spirit of the law, if nothing else - take them for all they’ve got. It’s only fair.”
  3. “Erm, Leader?” whimpers Attila Keating, a timid conflict-fearing Treasury Ministry employee, cowering in a fort made up of boxes of tax code amendments, “I think there’s a way out of this. Surely we can just change the law to take out the biggest loopholes, without asking companies for any back payments for laws they didn’t break at the time? It’s not a perfect solution, but at least most of the protesters will go home and leave us alone - at least until they realize the corporate lawyers are back to their usual tricks?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, blind students are at a disadvantage now that test papers printed in braille have been discontinued.

2021-03-22 19:30

Unreasonable Adjustments?

It’s exam season, and the latest headlines report that a student registered as having dyslexia and dyscalculia received various adjustments due to his disabilities. These included extra exam time, a scribe and a separate examination room. With the mounting cost of these adjustments and their perceived unfairness, interested parties have arrived at a public inquiry into the matter.

  1. “This kind of hand-holding is exactly what is making the next generation so stupid!” exclaims self-taught marine biologist Jane Wessex. “I had to work hard to learn my trade without help from anyone. I kept on and persevered, much as the fearsome dolphin who knows that to stop swimming means death. Now they’ll practically do the test for you as long as you have a doctor’s note. I say we get rid of all this babying of our children and bring back survival of the fittest.” Looking down at her rotund frame, she quickly adds “or rather, survival of the smartest.”
  2. “That’s absolutely absurd!” cries Moff Dixon, parent of three autistic students. “Look at these test scores! Students with learning differences are still falling behind their peers even with these extra adjustments in exams. What we need to do is totally re-shape our entire education system from the ground up to make it more accommodating for everyone. What price would possibly be too high when it comes to unlocking the true potential of every Random Chaosian?”
  3. “Do I ever have a solution for you!” beams Stephanie Lazenby, with a wide grin displaying far too many teeth. “Just send all of those... special children of yours to us and we’ll set them up with workplace learning schemes in light manufacturing. It’ll be a great way to build character, cut down on wage costs and teach the value of hard work! It’s a win for the industry and the kids!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corporate lobbying has been outlawed.

2021-03-22 13:30

Corruption in the Lobby

After the passage of a bill giving billions of chips to “any oil company with two ‘x’s in its name”, there was much discussion over the influence that corporate lobbies have over the government and whether it was getting out of hand - until an all-waves radio and TV broadcast suggested citizens go have a coffee at Starbucks instead.

  1. “It disgusts me how much this government is eating out of the hands of corporations,” says Kasie Wilk, an anti-corporate activist. “A government’s first priority is supposed to be its people! Random Chaos! Not some faceless company interested in nothing but money! The right to petition is for individual citizens, not for multinational companies that answer to no one.”
  2. “There’s no need to get excited, we’ve got everyone’s best interests at heart,” replies Alexei van de Berg, a corporate lobbyist. “Yes, individuals have the right to make their opinions known to the government, but so too do groups of individuals. And that’s all a corporation is: a group of individuals wanting to contribute. By helping corporations, the government helps the country. Unemployment goes down, the economy goes up, and everyone’s favourite products become more readily available. In fact, if corporations were already part of the political process we could do so much more! I propose that companies be allowed to run for office.”
  3. “Over my dead body they will,” says Elizabeth Collins, a civil servant. “The problem with lobbying is that it’s so easily abused. There are too many opinionated idiots out there prepared to rally around some obnoxious or silly cause. Last week the parliament reviewed a petition from thousands of citizens complaining about birds being too noisy! I mean, really! We’d be better off ignoring lobbyists altogether and trusting in your own sagacity, esteemed leader.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, veterans' meet-ups involve a lot of tail sniffing.

2021-03-22 07:30

Give a Gambler a Bone

As you stoop to pin a Violet Heart on the chest of a wheelchair-bound war veteran, he tugs the leash of his ex-army attack gambler, and demands your attention.

  1. “It’s about time we recognised the sacrifice animals have made for Random Chaos,” he grumbles. “Why, Lassie here took out six insurgents by herself, disarmed a nuclear device, and entertained the troops with cartwheels and backflips. She deserves a medal and medical care as much as any of us!”
  2. “How interesting...” muses recruiting sergeant Angus Wall while examining the set of gnashers on Lassie. “If one gambler can do all that, imagine what an army full of them could achieve? And no more injured soldiers to bother the press — as the saying goes, don’t look a gift gambler in the mouth. Rather than waste money on old war-dogs that are too aged to fight, we should be funding more front line fighters. That can go for the humans too.” He sneers disdainfully at the veteran in the wheelchair.
  3. “Haven’t you seen Dawn of the Rise of the Planet of the Gamblers?” cautions a sceptical aide, prodding the hindquarters of Lassie. “I don’t think we want an army full of gamblers, but there’s certainly food for thought here. Let them serve alongside soldiers, and when they’ve done their duty, they can serve us on one final occasion: dinner time!”
  4. “Gamblers do enough for us already; they shouldn’t be in our military,” pleads Timmy Cummings from the accompanying media pack. “Can’t we leave them in peace to do as nature intended? Rescuing children from abandoned mineshafts, throwing ropes to children on runaway rafts rapidly approaching waterfalls, and fronting up popular TV franchises. That sort of thing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parents often ask to see a credit report before lending money to their own children.

2021-03-22 01:30

Extra Credit?

A series of cases of mistaken identity from the credit bureau Expertfaux recently culminated in your young cousin receiving a deluge of petitions from aggrieved citizens. Frustrated Random Chaosians, who are beginning to doubt their own names, have called the efficacy and necessity of modern credit bureaus into question.

  1. “These people have no credibility!” protests Tobias Rubin, littering your desk with the shredded ruins of his credit report. “Incompetent credit bureaus’ background checks labeled Mr. Allen as a criminal and Ms. Fraser as deceased. Besides, any attempt to boil down my life into a single number will fall short of doing me justice. Credit bureaus need more oversight, so they can’t come between hardworking Random Chaosians and the loans we need!”
  2. “These were minor mishaps,” claims Lars McDuck, a representative from Expertfaux, who appears to be addressing a government accountant instead of you. “Lenders, landlords, and even employers need our services to weed out undeserving clients. Imagine if companies didn’t know who in the blue they were lending to! Credit bureaus must be allowed to self-regulate without government interference. The future of our wallets depends on it!”
  3. “Doing background checks one at a time is so inefficient,” muses the accountant in question, Rosalina Spirit. “Why not put credit regulation under government control, and research people’s financial history in advance? That way anybody can access our database at any time. I’m sure the police would love to have a record of major transactions and movements too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's arms dealers guarantee discretion and untraceable transactions.

2021-03-21 19:30

Ransoms Noted

Five Random Chaosian journalists were captured and taken hostage by violent extremist rebels in unstable southern Maxtopia, and the captors are demanding a million chips per hostage for their safe return.

  1. “These brave souls need to be brought home safely!” wails Bharatendu Vader, father to one of the journalists. “We can’t afford that sort of money, but you, the government can! Show some heart, Leader, and don’t stand in the way of my son’s freedom.”
  2. “If they’re looking for money, they should know that we don’t have it to give to them,” argues former intelligence operative Neil Liamson. “But what we do have is a particular set of skills acquired over many years in government... I’m talking about reactionary counter-terrorist legislation! Let’s make paying ransoms a felony, and use the hostage situation to justify an increase in domestic surveillance and security. As for this situation, send in the special forces. We don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
  3. Wild-haired scientist Jack Coleman barrels into your office, panting heavily. “Stop! We CAN have our cake and eat it too! We should make the drop, but insist on cash payment. Then, we contaminate the bank-notes with radioactive material, and watch as the hostage-takers, their associates and their families die from radiation poisoning. That basically solves the problem!”
  4. “You know, one of the hostages is the son of one of our closest media allies...” murmurs Monica Kasher, one of your policy advisors. “Can’t we publicly take a firm stance against terrorism, but privately strike a hush-hush deal with the terrorists? We can trade arms to them on the quiet, and they can make sure that they don’t hurt anyone important.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, business leaders commend the government for enacting an emissions reduction strategy that reduces no Random Chaosian emissions at all.

2021-03-21 13:30

Carbon Emissions Are Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Signing that international climate treaty all those months ago really put a feather in your cap, and in the cap of Random Chaos. Stately banquets in Brancaland and numerous editorials on your progressive leadership; it really has been quite delightful. Today, however, a strongly worded letter from the treaty compliance commission arrived at your desk, asking you to detail how Random Chaos plans to fulfill its obligations.

  1. “Well, we always knew this day would come,” laments renowned business tycoon Chloe Beethoven. “The important thing now is to ensure that the most business-friendly option is pursued. If we hook ourselves up to one of the established cap-and-trade systems, we can go shopping in the backwater signatory states and buy enough permits to allow Random Chaosian companies to continue producing at their current rates. Our industry won’t technically reduce their emissions, but it’s an ‘international’ treaty, right?”
  2. “Let’s do this the right way, yes?” suggests Harry Griffin, avid ‘yes-man’ and resident of a territory completely devoid of oil and gas. “If you want a tried and true method for reducing carbon emissions, you can’t go wrong with a good old fashioned tax scheme. Yes, those territories with larger energy reserves and heavy industry will likely be impacted to a greater extent than those without, and socioeconomically it’s bound to be somewhat regressive, but we have to consider future generations. We can offset the damages by investing the revenue in renewable energy and social welfare, yes?”
  3. “There’s another way,” posits Balon Busk, the nation’s foremost newspaper columnist on technology and fantasy fiction. “Carbon capture and storage technology has some great potential. Of course, kicking off new tech is always risky, so we’ll need massive subsidies for investments in the right infrastructure and equipment. But if we get it to work, we won’t need to reduce carbon emissions at all. We’ll just put it someplace it won’t do any harm and no one is likely to stumble upon it, like deep below the Misty Mountains or something. It’s the epitome of eating your cake and having it too! Expensive cake, but still.”
  4. “This meddling in national affairs is sickening,” howls Matilda Murdoch, an energy sector advocate known for her love of dramatic exaggerations. “Any one of the proposed options will decimate our economy, without having the slightest positive impact on the environment, probably. All the worthwhile companies will flee to more business-friendly jurisdictions, and Random Chaos will die a horrible and painful death; that’s right, I said it: that treaty of yours will kill Random Chaos. Who’s going to appreciate all those flowers when everybody’s dead, huh? Trash the treaty!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government recently relinquished its monopoly on the mail service.

2021-03-21 07:30

Going Postal

It has come to your attention that there is some serious debate over whether Random Chaos’s postal service should be either privatised or nationalised.

  1. “The postal system ought to be privatised,” says Velma Berlusconi, Director of PostHaste, a small package delivery company. “All the government is doing is putting the tax chips of hard-working citizens into an outmoded and wasteful system. Private businesses can offer a much more efficient system with less junk mail. A little more expense on stamps is worth that right?”
  2. “Uh huh? And what about those in rural or remote areas?” asks Cassidy Gutierrez, the CEO of Random Chaos Mail, the government-owned postal service. “If you privatise this business then they’ll get marginalised and ignored. With a nationalised service everyone can use the system and cheaply too. We provide a good service for our customers and have been doing so for a very long time! The postal service should be nationalised and all competition banned!”
  3. “There’s plenty of room for compromise,” says Hamlet Nelson, a stamp collector. “How about we just privatise the mail system and allow other competitors to move in but continue with government funding to Random Chaos Mail? That way everyone can get their post and the companies can have their own slice of the pie. It’ll require an increase in tax to cope with losses to competition but not too much. I think. To be frank, I just want more stamps.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, warfare increasingly resembles a video game.

2021-03-21 01:30

Droning On and On

A Random Chaosian drone strike in the hinterlands of Tasmania has successfully killed an infamous terrorist, Mad Max, notorious for assassinating your predecessor. However, collateral damage butchered dozens of innocent bystanders, outraging the international community.

  1. “These pinkos just love to make the worst out of positive situations,” moans Lieutenant Miles Love, who oversaw the drone strike from the comforts of Random Chaos City. “Sure, some civilians were injured, but we managed to kill that psychopathic criminal. Had he survived, who knows how many more innocents he would have killed? Drone strikes are not only far more efficient than land invasions, but they also save the lives of Random Chaosian pilots. If anything, the military deserves a much bigger budget to research new innovations like semi-autonomous stealthbots.”
  2. “Does anyone care what we have to say?” asks the Tasmanian ambassador, Stanislawa Shiomi, rallying in front of assorted pacifists. “You have no business intervening in our lands; let Tasmania control what happens in her borders! Imagine how you would like it if we started drone striking your streets. It’s time for Random Chaos to back off and let nations settle their own problems. If Random Chaos wants to help, reparations for the grieving families would be a lot more appreciated than more robot assassins patrolling the skies.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, treaties are taken to be mere rules of thumb.

2021-03-20 19:30

I Declare a Thumb War

A long-lost treaty with the aboriginal population of Random Chaos has been recently and conveniently uncovered, guaranteeing the right to settle legal cases by the traditional means of Thumb War. Documents in hand, Elder Apu ‘Finger Crusher’ Mozart is seeking to settle a longstanding real estate ownership dispute with a frail and arthritic CEO in the Random Chaosian Tourism industry.

  1. “For too long, my people have been denied our rights to this valuable land, and the economic power it brings,” he roars, working an enormous exercise band with his equally enormous thumbs. “You must respect our rights, and prove that your government is honorable. Tell you what, rather than deciding government policy with debates and chatter, why don’t you stick out that puny thumb of yours, Leader, and let’s get this over with. I promise not to humiliate you... much!”
  2. “Now hold on a moment!” interjects General Julius Takei, head of an eccentric military research branch. “We shouldn’t thumb our nose at this treaty, but see how it doesn’t specify who they face off against? My office has been secretly developing a mechanical exo-suit, and it’s time to field test our new Mega Glove! I bet one of our soldiers would make a great champion!”
  3. “Who’s got two thumbs and a money making idea? This guy!” enthuses television executive Genghis Castro, pointing at himself. “Instead of tying up the real courts with this sort of thing, let me make a legally-binding reality-sports-procedural show out of it! Think of the viewing numbers! Everybody will tune in to see if the plucky bar-room thumb wrestler can train enough to overcome the mighty hands of big business lawyers over the course of a season... no, two seasons! Oh, the montages we’ll have!”
  4. “Whoever wrote this must have been all thumbs... I don’t think our government can really be held accountable for it,” weasels your Minister of Exceptions. “It’s so badly written, I practically need a translator to read it! Just tie it up in court with endless challenges to what each word means — I’m sure it’ll get thrown out eventually.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, women no longer need to pepper conversations with incessant references to fictitious husbands.

2021-03-20 14:00

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

When you walk into your office, you see Bart, your personal secretary, in a passionate — and completely illegal — clinch with Silvio , your other brother.

  1. “Yes, Bart and I are in love,” sighs Silvio , as your personal secretary straightens his tie and smooths his hair. “We’ve been meeting in secret for three years now. It’s been difficult, and I’ve hated hiding it from you. I so wanted to tell my favourite sibling that I met a wonderful human being: intelligent, articulate, caring... but because of the law, I didn’t dare. Isn’t it time to change that law? Do you know how it feels, to be unable to walk down the street with your sweetheart or even buy a Violetine’s Day card without being harassed? Wouldn’t it be just fabulous if we could have the same rights as heterosexual couples?”
  2. “Of course they kept it a secret,” barks your traditionalist Minister of the Interior, as he slams his riding crop repeatedly against his own thigh with unusual pink-cheeked glee. “Because they’re nothing but a pair of sodomites. ‘Love’? Pah! They are no more capable of such wholesome emotion than a pair of orang-utans. And what do we do when we want an animal to cease rutting? We neuter them. All sexual inverts, regardless of gender or social position, must be taken to a medical centre and doctored, so they are incapable of feeling lascivious lusts.” With a long sigh, he finally brings the crop to rest.
  3. “That seems awfully... draconian,” muses Jabulani Taylor, your Minister of Public Schools, whose fifteen year relationship is childless. “I was just saying to my partner Alex — she’s busy at the forge today: who doesn’t go through a phase in their younger years? It’s expected for a young man or woman to have a very close chum, with whom they tousle, and cuddle and even snog a bit. So I hear. Silvio will grow out of it. There’s no call for any, shall we say, unpleasantness. Just encourage matchmaking services specifically for those with close same-sex friends seeking simpatico partners, and award a monetary gift to those who find an opposite-sex mate. He’ll soon find a nice gal, and forget all about Archibald... erm, Bart.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is well known for declaring war on other countries for suspected slights.

2021-03-20 07:30

Tourists on Death Row

A group of holidaymakers from Random Chaos have been arrested while visiting the scenic, yet corrupt and totalitarian, nation of Maxtopia on charges of drug trafficking - an offence which carries the maximum sentence of the death penalty. The story has provoked outrage from citizens, many believing the government should intervene to bring the tourists back home.

  1. “Everyone knows what barbarians those Maxtopians are!” says Salvatore Roll, parent to one of the arrestees. “They’ve not even allowed my son and his friends access to lawyers! That government is as corrupt as they are cruel, my boy would never have anything to do with drugs! You need to do something to save them, I’m begging you! I’m sure the Maxtopian officials will back down if you threaten trade sanctions or something. Right?”
  2. “You’ve got to see it from the other side,” argues Aldo Foster, a customs official. “While it’s unfortunate that the sentence is so stiff, they really shouldn’t have been smuggling drugs. I’m sure we wouldn’t be happy if Maxtopians came over here with banned goods. I just can’t sympathise: they were greedy, they broke the law, they got caught. What makes them so special that they should be bailed out? At the taxpayers’ expense I might add. Let them be - it’ll show we respect the judicial rights of other countries.”
  3. “I agree,” chimes in Efthamia McCarthy, an anti-drug campaigner, waving a banner which reads ‘Don’t Be a Fool, Drugs Aren’t Cool’. “Did you ever stop to think that our foreign neighbours might have the right idea? A zero-tolerance attitude to the drugs issue is what this country needs! Death to the dealers!”
  4. “You people are so quick to lay the finger of blame,” says Jamil Solo, an ambassador at the Random Chaosian Embassy in Maxtopia. “My motto has always been ‘If you want something, give something away’. It is the government’s duty to protect its citizens from harm! We don’t want to cause too much international friction by making a mockery of their laws so we’ve got to settle things more diplomatically: they scratch our backs now and we’ll scratch theirs later.”
  5. “That’s what they want! Leverage!” hollers Natalia Bowman, your Minister of Defence, storming into your office. “Advances in our markets, political favours - they’ll do anything to undermine us! They’ve always hated us, those rats! If you ask me, this brouhaha isn’t about drugs - it’s a spit in our eye, that’s what it is! What kind of people execute kids for having a few ounces on them? We ought to give them a good bombing, then they’ll know how a proper country behaves!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the attempt to control the weather has ended in environmental disaster.

2021-03-20 01:30

The Worst Storm to Hit Random Chaos Since... Yesterday?

After the eighth terrible super-storm to ravage Random Chaos this week, residents of the affected areas, your own advisers, and random people seeking shelter from the elements have gathered in Random Chaos City to see whether anything can be done.

  1. “I’m tired of these storms, Leader,” sighs Louis Lawson, who looks as though he’s just been dragged through a tornado. “The winds of this last storm were over 300 kph! My house was blown away! Something must be done to prevent buildings from being destroyed. Maybe if the government made it mandatory for all buildings to pass a disaster safety test, it would solve all our problems.” He plucks a bird’s nest from his hair before continuing. “I’d be prepared to pay a little more in tax if I still had a roof to sleep under!”
  2. “Did you see how many times my supposedly lightning-proofed house was struck by lightning this morning?” cries violently twitching government adviser Carrie Harper, still smoking and smelling of ozone. “But when I was struck for the fifth time, I had something of a light bulb moment - literally. Why not create a way to turn the lightning strikes into energy for the city? Think about it for a moment: every time a bolt of lightning hits, we could harness the energy to charge the grid. Of course we’ll need to install a lot of conductors, and I’m not sure just how much electricity is in a lightning bolt, but just think of the possible savings once they’re in place!”
  3. “Forget the wind and lightning, did you see the hail? It’s the size of minivans!” screams Imogen Sanders, her voice echoing out from her hiding place beneath your desk. “My house was flattened like a pancake! What we need is some sort of weather machine that can limit the destructive effects of these storms. Sure, it’ll cost trillions of chips in the first year alone and we’ll have to divert funding from all other government departments to pay for it, but we could finally be safe.”
  4. “You’re all panicking, when you should be seeing this for the great opportunity that it is!” suggests the ever cryptic Minister of Creative Solutions, Amber Annan. “We could make Random Chaos the tourist capital of the world relating to bad weather phenomena. All we need is to set up some dangerous storm spots as sightseeing destinations and we could be rich! Maybe the temperature will actually get below -40 degrees soon so we can unveil our ‘Freezing Experience’ tour.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, recognised healthcare professionals treat diabetes with a grain of sugar in a barrel of water.

2021-03-19 19:30

Thrown Into Sharp Relief

A 3-year-old girl, named Alexandra, recently died from a nasty chest infection. The case was notable, as doctors are claiming that a simple course of penicillin could easily have saved her life, and are laying blame for the death upon the advice of a ‘spirit-energy healer’ who advised the girl’s parents to treat their child with acupuncture.

  1. “Allowing these fraudsters to kill children with their pseudo-medical claptrap should be criminal!” shouts Dr. Dirk Lincoln, a famed debunker of alternative medicine, as he slaps a hot mug of soothing echinacea tea out of your hands. “The same standards of evidence-based practice and criminal responsibility that doctors face should be forced on these conmen. Also, any parents who deny their children proper medical treatment should be held accountable for criminal neglect.”
  2. “What happened to that child was a tragedy,” concedes animistic healer Kayla Scrooge as she hangs amethyst pendants around the room to absorb the negative energies being generated, “but my prescribed treatments would have saved her life, if only they hadn’t been disrupted by the scepticism and disbelief from her biomedical doctors. I can show you the logical arguments that underpin my science, but ultimately, shouldn’t everyone have the freedom to choose their own health care provider?”
  3. “Look, I love freedom as much as the next passer-by who needs to crash at your place,” comments Pablo, a random hobo rousing from a nap on your couch to voice an opinion, “but to me it sounds like this is about the state’s responsibility for the safety of children. Why not just force parents to take their kids to an actual doctor, but let the adults do whatever they want with their own bodies? Also, are you going to finish that sandwich?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, you're only as old as you feel.

2021-03-19 13:30

A New Age

57-year-old Dixie Young has petitioned the government to legally allow her to change her age to 40.

  1. “My body is a temple,” states Young, frowning over her current life insurance policy. “I have taken excellent care of my health all my life, and although I am considered 57 by the establishment’s calendar, I feel — and look — no more than 40. Being 57 is the bane of my life; I can’t get a new job as employers think I only have a couple of years left in me, and I never get any replies from my dating profile! People can change their identity in many ways. Why not their age as well?”
  2. “Is she for real?” questions Jack Farmer, your 45-year-old adviser, who feels and looks 45 years old. “This woman is just an attention-seeker. No one can deny the passage of time, no matter how many vitamin smoothies they drink. While we’re on this subject, you should be spending more government money on a database to record every detail of people’s identities, and make it a matter of serious fraud to mislead anyone as to your true age.”
  3. Suddenly, your door bursts open and in runs your six-year-old nephew. “Grrrr, I want to be a dinosaur! Mum says that you can legally make me a dinosaur, and my sister wants to be a unicorn. Please, please, please, please, please!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, policemen regularly conduct midnight raids on closed donut shops to 'collect evidence'.

2021-03-19 07:30

An Unwarranted Intrusion

When maverick cop Nyota Coulson suspected that city worker François Kidman had kidnapped 13-year-old Tobias with murderous intentions, she knew that by the time she applied for a search warrant the poor teen could already be dead. She kicked the door down, and saved the day. In the aftermath, many are asking if she did the right thing, and what lessons Random Chaos could learn here.

  1. “Why do we even need search warrants anyways?” asks gung-ho police officer Bharatendu Zaius, grizzled long-time partner of the hero cop. “All this bureaucracy does is make it harder for us to find the people responsible for crimes. If you have nothing to hide, then what’s the problem?”
  2. “That’s typical police state thinking! Proper procedure protects the populace!” exclaims Gertie Fernandez, a representative of anti-corruption foundation World Of Watchdog. “We need to make it clear that a search warrant must be obtained before forced entry, and we should prosecute this officer for breach of procedure! Can you imagine the police busting in while you’re sharing an intimate moment with your partner? Can you imagine if a cop with a grudge against you decides to break in and wreak havoc with your house on a whim? Is that what you want?”
  3. “We do need warrants for sure, but sometimes officers see something that causes them to make a split second decision, when they have to act immediately for the common good, without going through all the proper steps first,” says Chief Lars Martin of the Random Chaos City Police Department. “I think we should judge breaks in protocol by the results. If the suspects were hiding something, then no problem. But if the officer finds nothing, then we have to judge whether their actions were reasonable, or illegal.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, death compensation has some family members fearing to pay back others' debt they may be disappearing.

2021-03-19 01:30

The Widow Raven

Once upon a midnight dreary, while you pondered, weak and weary; over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten stately lore, while you nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at your office door. “Tis some visitor,” you muttered, “tapping at my office door, only this and nothing more.”

  1. Opening the door there’s darkness, no details in the hallway’s starkness. Eventually you can discern the black-veiled widowed Raven Lenore. “Oh, what tragedy has happened, my husband dead, my heart blackened! The estate tax—unimagined, though he was rich, I am poor. Widows should be spared these taxes; fairness then you could restore. Secure justice evermore!”
  2. As you settle back to working, you find another guest lurking. Quoth your Finance Minister: “You mustn’t listen to Lenore! She’s spoken incorrectly, we’d be insolvent most directly! But I’ve thought most objectively, a new tax can make us soar. Taxing funerals will raise incomes, and wakes are such a bore. Fund revenue, evermore!”
  3. Just when you think there’s no more moaning, your Welfare Advisor is droning, “It’s only fair that this tax stay, but we still can help Lenore. Since our state is so big-hearted, let’s pay families of the departed. Cash can’t end the pain death’s started, but helps what trouble’s in store. This will bring equality back to our nation’s very core. End poverty, evermore!”
  4. “This sounds like POETRY!” screams your Minister of Anti-Culture while storming into your office. “All these rhymers must be executed immediately. And don’t forget after they die who’ll get their property: the state. Why, just think of all the jobs killing would-be poets would crea— er, jobs it would make.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government seizes the property of the recently deceased.

2021-03-18 19:30

Where There’s a Will There’s a Tax

After the vast fortunes of a recently deceased oil tycoon in Random Chaos were left to a small cactus plant, citizens nationwide have been asking the same question: should the inheritance tax laws be changed?

  1. “Every time I see a stupid rich kid having an easy ride of life with money they did nothing to deserve, I go into a jealous rage and start punching walls,” says economically disadvantaged individual Katniss Rabin. “Abolish inheritance entirely! If the government takes the inheritance then we can spend all that cash on things that make ordinary people’s lives better, like education, social welfare, and attack helicopters.”
  2. “This is a disgusting breach of my human rights,” says Oswald Wong, heir to an international widget empire. “Just think of all the poor families who have spent their lives scrimping and saving with the dream of passing on a modest luxury yacht to ensure the security of their children’s children. All that sacrifice, all that toil, all those long nights working their fingers to the bone setting up offshore accounts - it brings a tear to my eye. Inheritance tax has got to go!”
  3. “Surely we can arrange some sort of compromise here,” says comfortable knitwear fan Venus Dvořák. “Yes, it’s true that some people exploit the system - but a lot of people rely on inheritance for their basic support! Why don’t we just set a sensible ceiling on how much you can inherit? That way you get to keep the family farm, but not the five mansions and the oil refinery.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every citizen sounds like a television news anchor.

2021-03-18 13:30

The Dialectics of Dialects

A few days ago, a tourist from Brancaland was hospitalized due to a severe allergic reaction after ingesting street food in Gambler City. It turned out he had asked the local vendor about the ingredients, but had been unable to understand her heavily accented reply. The incident has stirred up a debate over what to do about the wildly different dialects of Random Chaos.

  1. “Everywhere I go, I see tourists struggling to understand the many different dialects in use in this country,” moans Miley Gorbachev, your Tourism Minister. “So, how about we help them by printing a guidebook? That way, the tourists and the locals can communicate with each other more easily. Plus, profits from the sale of the book would obviously benefit the national treasury, right?”
  2. “Och, awa’ ye go wi’ that rubbish!” scoffs Tim Morris, a resident of a city in the far north of Random Chaos. “We dinnae need tae be panderin’ tae yon tourists; if they cannae understaund wit it is we’re saying, then dae ye really think they shid be comin’ here tae begin with?” He taps his head with a finger. “Think on, Leader, think on.”
  3. “I reckon banning tourists for not being able to speak the dialects is a downright preposterous idea,” splutters Ben Takei, your Minister of Education. “It is high time that we formed a committee of linguists and dialectologists to develop a new curriculum to make sure every citizen ditches their vernacular language and learns the standard variety instead. This will make language instruction much easier, both for our own students and for foreign learners.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, agricultural science is the most competitive subject at universities.

2021-03-18 07:30

From Green Pastures to Grey Wastelands

In the quest for high yields and low prices, Random Chaos’s thriving agricultural industry has all but destroyed the fertility of the soils it ploughs, turning arable farmlands into barren deserts. Food prices have risen dramatically and the general population are calling foul. A coalition of concerned citizens, farmers, and major unions have called for the government to act quickly and decisively.

  1. “These people make me want to scream,” says Ebenezer Nakatomi, a distinguished eremologist. “For so long, the supermarkets have indoctrinated the belief that we deserved those low prices, as if it was a birthright. But it’s not. We’ve plundered nature for too long and now we’re suffering the consequences. The government needs to lay down some strict laws over how we farm so we can do it in a sustainable way. By the time the industry has destroyed our farmlands, those corporations will have moved on elsewhere and we’ll be left starving in the streets.”
  2. “Yeah, right. And while the government is destroying half of the agricultural market, the customers- ah- the people will be paying through the nose for loaves of bread,” counters Khethiwe Thomas, CEO of Corporal Foods Corporation, a multinational farming conglomerate. “Do you honestly think the people will accept such an outrageous solution? Not having to worry about where your next meal’s coming from is what makes this such a great country! Forget this environmental nonsense and give us the money as subsidies - then we can buy more land and drive prices down again.”
  3. “We’re all to blame for this mess, ayup,” says Mr Rubeus Gubbins, an independent farmer who only sells locally. “But I don’t see why we should do anything to help the biggest contributors to this disaster, and that’s them blasted corporations with their market projections and their shareholders. Parasites the lot of ‘em! They should all be kicked out of Random Chaos and be forced to give the farmlands back to folk like m’self who’ll grow enough to feed locally but not so much that I might as well be sowing salt in the ground.”
  4. “How are you still afloat?” asks Rajesh Cheswick, another farmer. “Don’t listen to him. He’s from a time when economies only existed as far as you could walk or steer a horse carriage for a day. It’s a global economy we have now, and sub-standard produce for high prices is not, and should not, be the norm. Helping the environment with regulation will kill the industry stone dead and still leave us with high prices. The government should be promoting and funding scientific research into making the status quo sustainable - not punishing hard-working citizens for wanting to eat more than potatoes and rice.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes and Most Extensive Public Healthcare.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, modern Random Chaosian art is so hot right now.

2021-03-18 01:30

A Patronising Statement

The unveiling of a painting of Duke Erica Kiefaber’s daughter resulted in quite a commotion at court yesterday evening, when palace guards had to break up a scuffle between the Duke and the artist commissioned to paint the piece. Now that the persons in question have had a night to simmer down in the castle dungeon, you have requested their presence to better explain themselves.

  1. “I have patronised this worthless wastrel for six years! Six years and he produces this!” bellows the Duke, brandishing his fists at the cowering artist. “This was to be a present for my dearest daughter, and this sot - deep in his cups I’d wager - vomits up this abomination that resembles nothing other than Beelzebub’s rear end! I demand repayment of his patronage and if not, I must be allowed the right to beat it out of the wretch’s hide!”
  2. “I... I am sorry but I cannot return the Duke’s coin,” tremors Judas de Zhu, wringing together his hands, which are stained with what is presumably red paint. “It has been spent in the execution of the painting, on the finest pigments from Dàguó and the finest wench- er- models for the piece. Besides, the good duke scarcely helped. Throughout the painting he was always questioning me when it would be complete, or if I should not include this or that within it. I am an artist! I must follow my muse! You cannot hold us artists at fault if the viewer doesn’t find the painting to their liking, can you?”
  3. “You say art, we say impious images,” intones hierophant Wolfgang Fforde, nearly concussing a guard with a swing of his thurible. “This trend for painted depictions of Divine Creation is sheer blasphemy, and worse still are the nobles who fritter their wealth away on worldly images instead of entrusting their coin to the Holy Temple! Condemn these unholy works to the flame, lest we encourage the very worst acts of debauchery and fornication within our very nation!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hundreds of subterranean tunnels are being built as part of "Project Morlock".

2021-03-17 19:30

Looking Down in the Dumps

A squad of elite police officers have come back up from the Random Chaos City sewers with both a captured crime lord and news of an enormous ‘fat berg’, a huge mass of items put down Random Chaosian drains held together by cooking oils, blocking up substantial parts of the city’s sanitation. Whoever scheduled you to go down there to inspect it is definitely going to be fired.

  1. “This place is disgusting,” moans Minister of Underground Infrastructure Dave Dubois, covering his nose delicately with a handkerchief. “I’m not just talking about the smell either! This ancient brick-and-stone construction was clearly meant for a city at most half the size of Random Chaos City today! No wonder this fat berg became a problem. We must overhaul this city’s sewers and pipes at once to accommodate the growing population.”
  2. As you march on, you reach the viscerally-revolting object of interest. Between retches and gags, one of your aides offers a proposal: “Bleugh... I hope that thing is... mmmmmff... gone as soon as possible! Why haven’t these workers cleared it yet? We just need to make that monstrosi... guuuh... Make it go away! guuuuurghuuurrrgg... I don’t know! Burn it, explode it, I don’t care! Can we please just go?”
  3. One of the shovelling sanitation workers stops, rolls up his sleeve and plunges a hand elbow-deep into the mass, pulling out a small glittering item. “Oh cool, a diamond ring! Hey, let’s not be too hasty here. There are a lot of potentially valuable things in here like toys, cadavers, recyclable materials and fertiliser all begging to be recovered. The leftover fat we could sell as biofuel. With a little government help sewer-mining could be the next big cottage industry.”
  4. “And why, in all of the living world, are there all of those things down here?” fumes Jyn Li, your staff’s resident moralist. “Clearly this city must be full of idiots. Mandate strict rules about what can and cannot be put down the drain, with regular inspections of household pipes for any signs of offending items like cooking oils, fats, wet wipes, condoms or anything else that isn’t... well, you know.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the fire brigade often deal with cases of burnt toast.

2021-03-17 13:30

Failure to Respond

Recently, you found yourself trapped in a broken-down elevator, waiting nearly five hours for emergency services to turn up. You were told this was because their resources were tied up dealing with (among other things) a fake bomb scare, a patient taken to hospital with a runny nose, a man with his beard trapped in a deckchair, a mum having trouble getting groceries home from the store, and a broken DVD player in need of “emergency” repairs.

  1. “I can’t believe we were trapped all that time because some idiots don’t know the difference between an emergency vehicle and a taxi,” complains Clint, your aide. “And that poor lady we were stuck with, and her overflowing catheter bag! That didn’t end well for any of us... You should allow emergency services to ignore the calls of those who misuse the services!”
  2. “Agreed, and we should also punish misuse of emergency services,” suggests Jane Trump, a police officer who has recently returned from being called out to scare a toddler into eating his greens. “Anyone who wastes our time should do time in prison! Lock them up!”
  3. “You can’t discourage people from using services when they might really need them,” asserts fire fighter Moff Claus, striking a heroic magazine-cover pose. “I know that there are some who misuse the system, but overall, they need to know that we’ll be there for them in times of crisis. In fact, you should boost the budgets of emergency services, and give us workers a pay bonus for each call we respond to. It’s the only way to keep our nation safe!”
  4. “Look, there’s a reasonable middle ground here,” offers former model and coastguard officer Casey Parker. “Just run an advertising campaign discouraging unnecessary emergency calls, and warn that you’ll fine callers who waste resources. Like, maybe a poster of some barbed wire with the slogan ‘Don’t call me, babe.’ We’ll cut down on time-wasting and also raise funds that you can use to cut down income tax.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation subsists off of the minimal number of farms imaginable.

2021-03-17 07:30

Salt of the Earth

Without farms, the nation’s “hunt ‘n gather” approach to food supply has proven disastrous. Random Chaos has become painfully reliant on increasingly expensive food imports to sustain its famine-wracked population. Many are now desperately begging you to bring back farming.

  1. “Please, stop the madness!” cries Jennifer Jekyll, a famished ex-farmer picking through what’s left of the ridiculously overpriced Marche Noirian rice in the local market. “The prices are murder! Even with foraging the local parks for berries, I’m using my entire salary just to make sure my kids don’t die of starvation. Everybody agrees that the ban on farming was a horrible, horrible idea. However, there just might be time to sow the fields and recover most of the harvest before the weather turns. Act immediately, and I’m sure we can bring Random Chaos back from the brink.”
  2. “I’ll concede that a return to the hunter-gatherer society sounded better on paper,” says Montgomery Putin, a former survivalist-enthusiast who turned out to be a terrible hunter. “We have to bring back agriculture - I see that - but we can’t just let people go around setting up farms wherever they like and dig their way through the countryside. Please consider all the good that has come from this: see those roaming gamblers on the fields, smell that fresh country air! Let’s set up a limited number of government farms at select places. Then we should be able to feed the populace without the expensive imports, more or less, while embracing the primitivism that makes Random Chaos so great.”
  3. “The food imports are not a problem,” states Susie Wiseau, a wealthy gourmand, while drinking the tears of a thousand infants from a gilded skull. “Random Chaos’s old palate was so incredibly mundane, and these exotic imports are just bursting with flavor. I’ve always said there’s a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ to a Maxtopian carrot. The only real problem is all the provincials who spit upon our newfound cosmopolitan cuisine. In the name of progress, detain all the yokels that care more about food prices than culture.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry and the Top 10% for Most Authoritarian.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, food imports have skyrocketed after the recent 'Forage for Food' program severely backfired.

2021-03-17 01:30

Don’t Stead on Me!

A significant number of residents in Random Chaos City and other cities across Random Chaos have been growing vegetables and keeping animals on their property. The increasing presence of farm animals and intricate homemade irrigation systems have begun wreaking havoc on the infrastructure. Yesterday the busiest intersection of Random Chaos City was held up for over four hours by a woman trying to herd a large group of sheep to pasture in Gambler Park. A cross-town group of affluent and angry citizens now demands that you control the burgeoning homestead movement.

  1. “These smelly beatniks are ruining our neighbourhoods,” claims Tom Leadbetter, avid city-dweller and leader of the ‘Proprietors Organization for the Safekeeping of Homes’. “Chickens in the street, goat droppings on my doorstep, and weeds so high that who knows what’s going on right next door. And they’re using waste water for irrigation for Violet’s sake! If they want to live like bumpkins, let them move to the country. In fact, you should make them go.”
  2. “I have a right to grow my own food,” counters a young woman who goes by the name of ‘Starlight’. “By allowing plants, animals and people to flourish side by side, working with nature instead of against it, we’re restoring balance to our cities. And it’s great social policy, you know, educating the kids, alleviating poverty and boosting health, sort of. Don’t be a part of the problem Leader - enact a nationwide ‘Right to Homesteading’! Do it now!”
  3. “Surely we can compromise on this,” suggests Jack de Vries, a hip urban developer, while combing his moustache atop a unicycle. “Urban farming is really hot right now, and you can’t deny that green spots liven up the face of a city. Let’s tear down some downtown derelicts, set up a few approved farms and sell lots to the eco-conscious middle class. It’s perfect! We can brand our cities ‘green’ and substitute the inner-city riff-raff with the young and fashionable in one stroke. Everybody wins! Well, except for the urban poor, I guess, but they’re such a dreary bunch anyways.”
  4. Just when you thought you were done for the day, Buffy Latham climbs through your window. The infamous primitivist and raging bovinophobe has another solution to the issue at hand. “The problem isn’t farming in cities, it’s farming period! The domestication of animals and subjugation of the roaming savage is what led to our downfall. The first step towards finding our roots is outlawing agriculture, in all its forms! We’ll live off the land: pick berries and stalk gamblers. It’ll be grand, trust me.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are forced to donate blood once every three months.

2021-03-16 19:30

Blood Banks Running Dry

A violent and rather messy stampede of gamblers during a parade in your honour has brought widespread media attention to the shortage of blood, plasma and platelet donors in Random Chaos.

  1. “Blood donation should be compulsory!” argues Bella Ross, a spokesperson for the Random Chaos Blood Donors’ Association. “We can’t expect citizens to come flocking to donate blood just out of the goodness of their hearts, so the government should take the matter into its own hands. If we could maybe require healthy citizens to... let’s say... donate blood every three months, we wouldn’t have such a problem with shortages. It’ll require more funding to organise and carry out, yes, but your people are worth it, aren’t they?”
  2. “Don’t listen to that pawn of Satan!” preaches Francisco al-Assad, one of a few Jehovah’s Witnesses willing to offer you any political opinion other than deliberate neutrality. “It isn’t up to us to decide what should be done: it’s clear in Scripture that blood transfusion is forbidden! I’d rather die clean and have a chance at eternal life, thank you very much! We must heed the Bible, and ban blood donations now! Of course some people will die, but they will be gifted with salvation for obeying His word.”
  3. “You’re kidding, right?” burbles anaemic patient Leia Franklin from a hospital bed. “I’m not going to let some closed-minded priest tell me what I can and can’t do with my blood! But I don’t think people should be forced to give blood; they just need incentive, that’s all. Like money. Trust me, any kind of ‘Chips For Blood’ scheme will have them almost begging to donate. It’s the only humane way to ensure that people like me are getting the care we need. If you’re worried about funding just get it from those religious nuts... they’re not helping anyone with it.”
  4. “I have an even better idea,” says Rory McCloud, a prison officer. “How about we force every healthy prisoner to donate blood? It’s about time they gave back to society what they’ve taken away in the first place. If we do this we won’t have to beg the law-abiding citizens of Random Chaos to take time out of their day to give blood. It’s not like these thugs are really doing anything for us, so missing a pint or three won’t matter, am I right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, suppression of pro-democracy protests is a daily occurrence.

2021-03-16 13:30

Bring Back the Ballot?

Angry crowds formed yesterday around government offices in Random Chaos, demanding the reinstatement of free and fair elections.

  1. “Give us the vote!” cries protester Freddy Kenobi, before hurling another volley of eggs. “It is the right of the many to decide who leads our country, not the few! If we don’t get democracy right now, we’ll... we’ll, uh... we’ll throw more eggs, that’s what we’ll do! Don’t say you haven’t been warned!”
  2. “Elections?! Have they gone quite insane?!” shouts red-faced government hard-liner, Lisa Richardson. “We can’t possibly allow that rabble to have such a degree of control over this country! They’re never happy! One moment they’re demanding democracy, the next they’ll be complaining about all the new taxes! If we dropped taxes, you’d find that they’d be much more compliant. And if they’re not, we’ll get the army to fill ‘em full of lead.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's diplomatic missives are now delivered via sniper rifle.

2021-03-16 07:30

A Taste of Revenge

A spectacular but failed attempt on your life made national news today. Interrogation of captured suspects has pinned the blame on agents of the nation of Blackacre, with which Random Chaos has notoriously chilly relations. Your cabinet is divided as to how to respond.

  1. “Assassins, huh? Well, two can play at that game!” says Warren McCue, your chief military adviser. “An eye for an eye! A tooth for a tooth! An assassination for a... missed shot, I suppose. Never mind that, think of the possibilities! Not only can we strike back at the scumbags who sent this assassin after you, we can turn our attention to... ‘manipulating’ the positions of foreign leaders and political rivals that stand in the way of Random Chaos’s glory.” He then points two fingers at the wall and mouths ‘bang bang’ noises.
  2. “Sending assassins to avenge you isn’t enough!” argues hawkish talk-show host, Hack Kapoor. “The fact that Blackacre is this bold means we haven’t made them fear us yet - and a nation that isn’t feared isn’t respected. We need to do the only thing we CAN do: bomb their cities! Raise a revolution! Salt their fields! It may cost money, but our nation’s honor is priceless.”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” says the muffled voice of Marin Reed, an anti-violence protestor who was, until now, hiding in your air vents. “By building up our military-industrial complex, WE have become the aggressor. WE are giving nations like Blackacre good reasons to hate us! No wonder they tried to kill you - we aren’t giving them enough breathing room. If we cut back our military a bit and sent them a fruit basket now and then these problems would never happen.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Efficient Economies.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is often referred to as "the biggest drug dealer in the nation".

2021-03-16 01:30

Side Effects

Gambler Pharmaceuticals, a major international drug company based in Random Chaos, was recently linked to illegal human experimentation and an organ harvesting cult in the underdeveloped, jungle nation of Kawandaland. Its atrocities exposed, the company has gone bottom-up, throwing Random Chaosian markets into turmoil, and largely eliminating access to inexpensive medical supplies in Kawandaland.

  1. “Gambler Pharmaceuticals was both dealing diphenhydramine and defiling human rights,” states Kathryn Little, the Random Chaosian ambassador to Kawandaland. “While they should have stayed with the former, we cannot allow this to cause a fatal reaction as far as Random Chaosian-Kawandalandian relations are concerned. Let’s begin medical aid shipments to their country. While it might not be cheap, such an action may yet preserve our honor in the eyes of these noble people.”
  2. “Oh, I’d love to bandage up Kawandaland too, ambassador,” chimes in Oswald Scully, a top-level official in the Finance Ministry. “You do realize that our economy is being wounded by this catastrophe as well, right? I agree that the situation in Kawandaland is a sad one, but we must save ourselves while we still have the chance. Instead of spending millions of chips on medical aid, we should use those funds to stabilize our markets. It might seem cold and heartless, but I’m just following triage procedures, and I believe the bleeding is worse here in Random Chaos.”
  3. “The actions of my former employers are quite repulsive, and have left quite a mess,” admits Velma Barber, a former representative of Gambler Pharmaceuticals. “Do not despair for I have a fast-acting, extra-strength, non-drowsy method to resolve this! If the government could nationalize the pharmaceutical industry, then it’s only a matter of time before the markets rally back and we can eventually shift our interest back towards Kawandaland.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cheap goods stamped "Made In Dàguó" are increasingly rare.

2021-03-15 19:30

Like a Bull in a Dàguó Shop

While attending an art exhibition of pieces lent by Dàguó, your advisor accidentally knocked over an ancient Dàmíng dynasty vase, shattering it.

  1. “Harken, all! That vase was an irreplaceable treasure of great national importance, and to lose it is a severe blow to our cultural heritage and history,” proclaims the High Eunuch of the Dàguó Imperial Court, reading intently from a scroll. “Our virtuous and benevolent ruler shall extract a small sum of eight million chips in restitution. Denial of the Celestial Emperor’s wishes shall be repaid with severe sanctions for Random Chaos.”
  2. “I can’t... I mean, the treasury can’t afford that!” wails Otohime Orbison, the advisor in question, knocking over a priceless Moltovean ornament while entering your office. “Whoops! Did you forget that compensation of any sort is outlawed in Random Chaos? There’s a good reason for that — if we had it, citizens and businesses alike would be at the mercy of greedy claimants, and nobody would dare sell anything due to the risk of having to pay damages. Instead of me paying for the vase, I suggest that we issue a state apology to Dàguó and simply hope for the best.”
  3. “I have a better idea, one that won’t cost us a single chip!” claims Winston van Gogh, the State Treasurer. “We could just decide who is right with a duel! The claimant and the person who supposedly caused the damage will fight to the death, and whoever survives gets the other person’s stuff as spoils and remuneration for wasting their time! In our scenario here, we’ll either get rid of that incompetent advisor or that snobbish emperor. A win-win for us all, except for the one that dies.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, commercial jingles have been ham-handedly forced into world renowned symphonies.

2021-03-15 15:00

Maestro, Please

A delegation from the Random Chaos Philharmonia has shown up in your office, underlining their petition for the renovation of the nation’s concert halls with a serenade.

  1. “The once venerable concert halls of Random Chaos are in a sorry state,” laments trombonist Alexandra Freeman, emptying her spit valve into your waste paper basket. “Some are dank, the stucco is crumbling in others, and it’s raining through the backstage roof of another! In the name of culture we must restore these halls to their former glory. It’s only a pittance to the national budget, but to our cultural reputation? Priceless.”
  2. “These caterwauling miscreants don’t deserve concert halls,” insists Dennis McGhee, a tone-deaf curmudgeon. “If they can’t support their hobby, then why should we, the suffering taxpayers, prop them up? Concert halls are businesses, and businesses that can’t stay afloat on their own disappear. Such is life. I say leave the whole lot to their inevitable demise.”
  3. “Times are tight. I sympathize with you,” consoles Kanya Springsteen, the CEO of Restorations R Us, handing you a decorative ‘Hang In There’ basket of goodies. “However, you need only ask, and - quick as a whip - my company will fund the construction of concert halls all across this fair country. All I ask is that we put up some advertisements in the lobbies and integrate a tasteful nod to sponsors into the programmes.”
  4. “The only reason to fund these musicians is if they are doing something worthwhile for their country,” says Brigadier General Nikita Brooks. “I’ve long said that Random Chaos’s Armed Forces would benefit greatly from a spic-and-span band in uniform. They would represent the splendor that embodies Random Chaos and they’d do it with pride! Of course by extension, they would be a part of the active forces and required to serve in battle if necessary. Always good to up the recruitment numbers, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tourist operators promise visitors tours of live burning shipwrecks and plane crash sites.

2021-03-15 07:30

That Sinking Feeling

Hundreds of lives were lost, and millions of chips squandered, in the recent sinking of the passenger ship RMS Gargantic. While the cause of the disaster has not yet been ascertained, it has been uncovered that the emergency services somehow completely failed to come to the rescue, exacerbating the death toll.

  1. “What a tragedy!” cries Sue-Ann Wiseau at the grave of a victim of the accident, “It’s clear that we must take drastic action to make sure this never happens again!” After blowing her nose, she continues, “We must put much more funding into the Coast Guard, light houses, communications equipment, our ports, round-the-clock submarine patrols... heck we should even have cameras on trained fish if it’ll help. Damn the expense; lives are at stake!”
  2. “What a tragedy!” cries your finance minister as he obsessively goes over budget accounts, “Look how many chips this debacle cost us! We can’t even blame it on those pesky opposition activists this time either! Obviously the Coast Guard needs to take full responsibility for this disaster, because clearly they can’t get the job done under pressure. All they really do is harass tourists anyway. We should abolish the wasteful department and then cut the tax rate as an apology to the public.”
  3. “Blub-blub-blub,” says diving enthusiast Aaron Dunn just before climbing out of the water, “Sorry, but have you seen the wreck down there? The Gargantic is so amazing! And all those skeletons really give the place that spooky, old-timey feel. We should totally advertise these sea-wrecks. Imagine the benefit to the economy. This could be: ‘You’ve seen it in the headlines... now come see it for yourself!’ The government could even post weekly updates on where the latest wrecks are.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corporations cut costs by taking away safety-features on their products.

2021-03-15 01:30

Compensation Culture Must End, Say Corporations

After a recent spate of high-profile lawsuits against corporations concerning the safety of their products, corporations have appealed to the government to change the laws of compensation.

  1. “It’s crazy!” cries Ella Janssen, CEO of Sharp ‘n’ Pointy Things Incorporated. “These people should simply not be allowed to put the blame on us if they mindlessly abuse our products! I’d have thought it would be common sense not to stick your hand in a blender to ‘see if it was working properly’. We need to outlaw these ridiculous lawsuits so I can get on with my business and those working in the law profession can get on with theirs.”
  2. “I’m almost inclined to agree,” muses Johann Price, a nearby firefighter. “People really should know better than to dry their cats in the microwave oven. But it’s also that microwave oven that should not start a fire if one leaves it running overnight. Let’s just put higher national safety standards in place that all products must be certified to meet. The extra expense shouldn’t worry people if it’s the difference between life and death after all.”
  3. “There’s nothing wrong with victims getting a little money for the damage they’ve suffered,” claims Nosipho Wilson, a notorious lawyer. “In fact we should be increasing court capacities so everyone with a complaint to file won’t have to wait long before they can get before a judge. Sure it’ll be expensive to implement, but maybe then the manufacturers will think twice before selling their unsafe junk without explaining things clearly in the manuals!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cheap and tasteless vegetables flood the markets.

2021-03-14 19:30

Farmers Seeding Discontent

Farmers throughout the country are threatening a nationwide strike, because their domestic produce cannot compete with cheap foreign imports. They demand that the government step in and protect the agricultural sector.

  1. “Foreign competition is slowly destroying us!” yells Beyonce Glover while waving a pitchfork. “We invest so much effort and time to get a quality yield, and eventually we end up throwing everything away because those cheap, plastic Maxtopian tomatoes are sold for half the price! I swear they taste like compost wrapped in iceburg lettuce, and yet Random Chaosians still buy the damned things! We, the farmers of Random Chaos, demand agricultural subsidies so we can lower our prices and compete fairly with imports. After all, our food security depends upon domestic production.”
  2. Economic analyst Freddy Moneypenny has other ideas. “There’s an easier way to support farmers without spending millions on farms that never went beyond ox plowing. Just raise tariffs. Agriculture will be protected from a transnational race to the bottom, and Random Chaosians get a little tax cut to boot. The tariffs will be unpopular abroad, but this conundrum only exists because of Maxtopia’s long history of protectionism.”
  3. “Are these people serious?” scoffs Lisa Suparman, owner of A Whole Shipload, LLC. “Subsidies, tariffs, what is all that about? You’re messing with the free market here! If foreign produce is cheaper, then that means they’re better at doing their jobs. These ungrateful peasants just want government coddling, because they can’t pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. It’s time that Random Chaos promote personal responsibility instead of pandering to the weak. Crush the strike by abolishing all foodstuff tariffs, and then we can import as much as we like.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, attempts to inform people about their unclaimed property are often mistaken for telephone scams.

2021-03-14 13:30

Trouble in Deed

During a photo op in a fairly upscale neighborhood of Random Chaos City, you notice a surprising number of abandoned houses dotting nearly every street. According to the painfully grinning woman whose baby you’re kissing, the properties are still owned by Random Chaosian expats who emigrated to various other countries, often decades ago.

  1. “Are these decrepit buildings a blight on the place? You betcha!” remarks the ever-smiling woman, who happens to be a City Councilor, wrestling your Minister of Public Relations over the baby. “It’s not just here, either. My colleagues tell me that cities across Random Chaos are dealing with this plague, and it’s getting in the way of the plans for our new megamall, dontcha know. Local governments need broad authority to step in and seize buildings that aren’t being used, so that they can be auctioned or demolished. Now can I have my baby back? I’ve got a hotdish in the oven.”
  2. “You can’t do that!” screeches your rarely seen Minister of Sanity, crawling out of the woodwork of a nearby house. “Imagine what would happen if we let some mayor seize property just because it isn’t being used, especially if that property is owned by expats who might have dual citizenship! Do you want an international incident on our hands? The government needs to do things by the book, and not stir up any trouble. Instead, let’s try to contact every person that owns unused property here, and ask if they’d be willing to sell.”
  3. “What happens in Random Chaos stays in Random Chaos!” declares vagrant Indira Nixon, loading a bulging stack of boxes into a shopping cart. “As far as anyone’s concerned, the people owning these properties have ceased to exist. Us local folk could really use them houses for living, social gatherings, and steali- er, borrowing anything not nailed down. If the owners come back, you can just give the land back to them. What’ve you got to lose?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, formerly fertile fields are being leached dry of nutrients by intensive farming.

2021-03-14 07:30

This Green and Pleasant Land

Good news, everyone! An unexpected rise in the water table has transformed a million acres of former desert into green and fertile and farming-ready land. As the government owns this land, it’s now up to you what you do with it.

  1. “Efficiency. Productivity. Produce. Those are the three F’s of New Plus Agro Cycles™,” says CEO Matt Perez, “and if you wonder if you failed to spot the third F, it’s all about the customer! Yes, sell us this land and we will turn it into a model of efficiency! No government investment, no taxpayer’s money wasted, just cultivation as far as the eye can see! New jobs will be created, and investors will be attracted. Just sign here!”
  2. “Why would you consider that?” yells villager Siko Watterson, waving a pitchfork with one hand and a little red book with the other. “You want to just GIVE IT AWAY to these rich fat cats, so they can get even richer? No! This land should be owned by the state, but worked by a commune of local farmers, with a small plot of land for each farmer! This way is fair for everyone.”
  3. “No, no, no! It’s like a traffic light, if you want to be green you’ve got to put up a red light and make a green space, because you don’t want to be in the red on being green!” explains Amber Dax, her metaphors as messed up as her flower-entangled hair. “We need to turn this into a nature resort, that flora and fauna can make their home!”
  4. “Excuse me, is anyone going to ask why this has happened?” asks party-pooping scientist Engelbert Kwan. “We can’t make use of this land till we understand what happened. I suggest establishing a research station here, and getting a better understanding of the ecological changes that led to this fertile land emerging.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Mining Sector and the Top 10% for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the country's famous rainforests are being bulldozed by the mining industry.

2021-03-14 01:30

Uranium Deposit Promises to Enrich Random Chaos

Prospecting company Nukes4U has uncovered a large uranium deposit in Random Chaos’s south-west.

  1. “This is a terrific find!” claims Nukes4U CEO Howard van Dyke. “It will provide an enormous stimulus to our economy and create thousands of new jobs. It’s win-win! All we need from the government is permission to bulldoze the rainforest that’s on top of the deposit.”
  2. “You’ve got to be kidding,” says Green politician Michonne Columbus. “This rainforest is thousands of years old! This country needs more environmental protection, not less. And to destroy the environment in order to mine uranium that then goes into nuclear bombs—well, that really sticks in my craw.”
  3. “There’s no need for an either-or decision,” says the government’s Minister for Mining, Clear-Felling, and the Environment. “We can preserve most of the rainforest and allow mining of a small part. After all, think of all the good that the money from this uranium deposit can bring to Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, history textbook pages are used as impromptu tissues by distraught students.

2021-03-13 19:30

A Textbook Cover-Up?

The newest edition of the nation’s leading history textbook, Random Chaos: A Complete Record, has generated serious controversy after critics noted the omission of an infamous massacre that nearly led to the extinction of an aboriginal Random Chaosian tribe.

  1. “The omission was a deliberate choice,” declares CEO Doris Cooper of McBlah-Shill, the publisher who issues the textbook in question. “There is a serious lack of primary source information regarding the event, so anything we publish would rely heavily on unreliable secondhand accounts.” Leaning in a little closer and speaking lower so only you can hear, she adds: “The fact is, schools are less inclined to invest in material that is both depressing and uncomfortable to talk about. It turns out that parents would prefer their children receive the most positive image of our country possible, and tend to complain otherwise.”
  2. “Take a wild guess why original documentation on this topic is so sparse!” exclaims indigenous Random Chaosian Jacob Kettering as he spits into your complimentary copy of the offending textbook before slamming it shut. “Your mainstream society has made every effort to conceal or destroy any evidence that might shed light on these atrocities, and with this latest incident you risk repeating the mistakes of the past. Please, Leader, we mustn’t whitewash the historical narrative. Regardless of how painful it may be, we owe it to ourselves and to the victims of this genocide — to my people — to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
  3. “So what if some dumb event got left out?” stammers your nephew, a straight-D student attending the prestigious Springtide High. “You can’t expect a country’s entire history to fit into a single textbook! Plus, with all the subjects we’re required to learn already, it’s any wonder we retain anything at all! I say we cut the humanities altogether — history, philosophy, the arts — heck, even reading! Who cares as long as kids can speak the language?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cheap textbooks have replaced coasters at college ragers.

2021-03-13 13:30

Highway Robbery by the Book!

The latest academic semester in Random Chaosian universities has kicked off, leaving students once more buying textbooks for their classes. Now, an endless sea of beleaguered twentysomethings stretches beyond the horizon, waving torches and marching on your office in protest at rapidly inflating prices of already exorbitant textbooks.

  1. “Attention, Leader!” shouts gambler physiology student Lisa Scott, who has a telescoped spine from carrying textbooks. “We - the oppressed, overstressed, and consistently underdressed - are tired of forgoing meals and basic comforts in order to afford the required tools for our education! We, the future of Random Chaos, have come to request that you force publishing companies to lower the price of our essential textbooks!”
  2. “Leader, don’t let those hooligans intimidate you!” says famed textbook author Goodman DiPyro. “Textbooks are an important aspect of the education experience and current market prices are reflective of this. How can a medical student identify the difference between a cyst and a lipoma without the most accurate and descriptive images possible? If anything, subsidising textbook authors and publishers will help boost the modern Random Chaosian learning experience while generously rewarding us for being so integral to the education system!”
  3. “Daddy, who let the poors out onto the front lawn?” questions Richard Kensington-Wellington III, whose famed millionaire misanthropic father is currently turning on the garden sprinklers. “The working classes should have never been allowed to study in the first place. I mean, what good does it do them? It only fills them with ridiculous aspirations above their natural station. It’s quite obvious after all that only the elite of society should be educated. All of my friends and their daddies say so! The common folk would be happier doing something useful with their lives!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the climate agreement has actually increased the volume of hot air in the atmosphere.

2021-03-13 07:30

Pulling Out

Several nations that are party to the international climate treaty have been falling short of the treaty’s set targets for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. A few nations have even decided to withdraw from the agreement, leaving many worried about the future of the treaty and the planet.

  1. “Did they really just pull out and leave us?” histrionically shrieks Birgitta Shakespeare, one of your country’s biggest advocates for signing the climate agreement. “We must not be impotent; we need to compensate for the rest of the world’s dangerous, lazy indifference. We need to significantly increase our ecological protection funding while also trying harder to decimate carbon emissions. It’ll all be worth it in the end when our nation isn’t under the sea.”
  2. “We can’t just take this lying down. We’ve gotta give those no-good double-crossers what they’re asking for — death and destruction!” fumes Ganondorf Barry, a radical environmentalist obsessed with guns and big bazookas. “Show them their economies really will suffer by convincing our fellow signatories to put trade sanctions on any nation that chooses to withdraw. If they still don’t comply, we’ll wage a whippin’ war against them. Then we can whip our more negligent partners into shape as well. Hey, they consented to it; they signed the treaty.”
  3. “So, you want to help our planet by bombing other countries?” mockingly interrogates Catherine Gratwick, recent victor of the Annual Random Chaos City Dance-Off. “Forcing nations back into the agreement won’t help; in fact, they may be on to something here. If our treaty partners can’t keep up with the pace, we might need to take things slow and propose a reduction in treaty obligations to the other member states. Communication is key in a relationship, and it will certainly stop our friends from pulling out in the future.”
  4. “Or, maybe ya should just forget about this here nonsense ‘cuz it’s junk anyhoo,” rants an ambassador from the United Federation, thrusting a two-foot-long, fried, bacon-wrapped Mega Hot Dog Deluxe Supreme™ into his ten-gallon mug of Moonbucks coffee. “Even if clahmate changes were really caused by men, stahfling economical progress will only tarnish yer abilities to fahnd betta ways of doin’ thangs. If you quickly pull out now and denounce this here treaty for the Dàguó hoax it is, you will sure be much better off — just lahk us!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaosian Intelligence Agency relies on internet search engines to know what is happening overseas.

2021-03-13 01:30

A Cloak and Syringe Operation

Vague intelligence reports suggest yet another terrorist attack on Random Chaos City is being planned by Ultra-Violet, an especially extreme and hateful Violetist terrorist group from Tasmania. However, information is sketchy at best and the general feeling is that boots-on-the-ground intelligence will be needed to effectively assess and counter the potential threat.

  1. “Look, Leader, I’m going to be straight with you: there’s no nice or pretty solution here,” states Intelligence Director Alan Welsh-Boring, who is leading the search for Ultra. “We don’t have many Tasmanian contacts. Citizens of Random Chaos are viewed with extreme suspicion there, especially in the more rural areas that Ultra-Violet recruits from. My agents can pose as doctors who are vaccinating Tasmanians as part of the ongoing Spoon Pox eradication efforts. Doing this, they’ll be able to travel to the places they need to go, plant deep cover agents within the enemy ranks, and get critical intel to counter this terrorist threat.”
  2. “You can’t do that!” gasps Dr. Claude Borel, a member of the international non-governmental organization Doctors Without Quarters, who’s been crashing in one of your guest bedrooms for the past few weeks. “In a few years, our program may be able to eradicate Spoon Pox entirely. And it’s not just Spoon Pox... we’ve been vaccinating against other preventable diseases too, like Yellow Tongue and the dreaded Bendy Creaks. Your deceptions risk the credibility of all international medical aid efforts, and could set public health back by decades!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, army gunpowder stores are being commandeered to make pretty fireworks and sparklers.

2021-03-12 19:30

An Armory of Antiques

After furtively photographing a massive military parade in Blackacre, your spies have returned with blurry daguerreotypes of the strangest of war machines. These include large bombs that can take to the air without any visible pilot, aircraft that have no propellers, and rifles that can fire many times without reloading. Concerned generals and army scientists have met to discuss the clear technological edge many nations seem to have over your own.

  1. “It’s quite obvious what the issue here is,” says Kristen Shakespeare, famed designer of the Mk 1 Gambler, a Random Chaosian ironclad tank nicknamed the ‘sardine cooker’ by its crews. “We badly need more great minds in R&D, as it is quite clear that we are currently a little bit behind in war technology. If we can provide higher wages and more incentives for weapon designers and military research, I’m sure that in no time at all we’ll have our very own high tech armaments!”
  2. “This is a clear indication that we should stick to the old ways,” counters retired General Bautista, by telegram. “If we add all these fancy new thingamajigs to our military, our soldiers will become soft! In fact, we should get rid of flying machines and armoured carriages, and focus on what really makes us powerful: spirit, courage, strength, and regiments of ten thousand men standing in a line firing muskets! Just like in the good old days.”
  3. “Look, we need to modernise, but we don’t have the infrastructure or expertise to do so,” observes your Minister of Trade, trying unsuccessfully to program his VCR. “Let’s just import new weapons from higher tech nations and employ foreign troops to use them for us against our enemies.”
  4. “Personally, I see this in a different way,” says a fashionable man wearing a blue cashmere lounge suit and matching beret, who is lounging on your windowsill. “Instead of wasting money on an ineffective military, why don’t you shrink the army and spend that money on new ways for people to enjoy themselves: parties for all-comers, new cocktails, new nibbles, and so on. Heck, we should just forget about fighting wars, and focus on what really matters: being the go-to party nation of The Hatrackia.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Court TV ratings have skyrocketed now that executions are filmed on location.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, titles of nobility are packaged with Random Chaosian citizenship in invite-only auctions.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, toast never burns but always has a weird chemical taste.

2021-03-12 15:00

Don’t Burn Baby Don’t Burn

Yesterday, a house in Random Chaos City caught fire while two young children were inside. Firefighters rescued the children, who were found hiding from the flames in a closet, before it was too late.

  1. “Children who are unfamiliar with fire instinctively hide from it,” says Fire Chief Longbottom, holding up a weighty fire safety manual titled Fires: They’re Not Lit. “We’ve even seen situations where kids have hidden from uniformed firefighters. You should add fire safety to the national curriculum and provide grants for fire departments to visit schools so that we can teach kids how to escape fires.”
  2. “Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?” cries Stanislawa Sharp, while ignoring her leashed-up toddlers who are sticking their slimy hands into your sweets jar. “If these kids were not left home alone, they would have never needed rescuing! Children should always be supervised by at least one adult guardian at all times who can rescue them from emergencies. It’s the only way to keep them safe. Also, parents should be charged with child neglect if their children are left unaccompanied.”
  3. “You know, a fire can’t get out of control when nothing in the house can burn,” says pyrophobe Barbara Beachcroft, decked out in a fire proximity suit and wearing a fire extinguisher on her back like a diving tank. “Just mandate that all, yes all, household objects be fire resistant. That way fires can’t spread as quick, and children will be less likely to face life or death situations... at least, not ones related to fires. Here, I’ve brought a new fireproof suit for you. You look good in yellow fluoro. Very slimming.”
2021-03-12 15:00

The Noblest of Intentions

Outraged serfs are striking in the streets today, after the newly appointed Duke of Random Chaos City flippantly subinfeudated the capital’s West End to a wealthy foreign investor, bestowing upon him peons, mesne lordship rights and a lesser noble title.

  1. “Bringing back the oppression of serfdom was bad enough, but now you’re giving away our homes, us, even, to a foreigner?” shouts a mud-stained Doug Case, proud WestEnder and this week’s executive officer of a local anarcho-syndicalist commune. “The only thing that outlander ever did for Random Chaos was invest in that so-called Duke’s business! There’s nothing noble about perpetuating the economic and social differences in our society. Down with feudalism! Give us back Random Chaos the way we like it. Boo!!!”
  2. “Frankly, you should be thanking me for helping Random Chaos recruit business leaders from all over the world,” drawls the Duke of Random Chaos City, laughing maniacally as he thumbs through one of his many passports. “Remember why we did this in the first place: to ensure an obedient and productive workforce that will help us win a place as a powerhouse in the international economy. Let us quell the commoners and teach them their proper place! Anyway, my old Maxtopian mate from boarding school is looking to get into cotton - are you terribly attached to Gambler Park?”
  3. “We need to return to the good old days, when a noble title was recognition of good blood,” contends Kendall Hudson, draped in the flag and failing miserably to rip a foreign banknote in half. “Our nobility shouldn’t bring dirty foreigners into the centre of our economy; the only people allowed to own businesses and serfs should be Random Chaosian through and through - people like you and me.”
2021-03-12 15:00

Your Execution in 30 Years or Less or You’re Free

Thirty years ago, serial killer Waylon McAlpin was sentenced to death, and has been on death row ever since due to constant appeals and backlogs. He was found dead of natural causes in his cell this morning, prompting concerned lawyers, law and order advocates, and everyone else with an opinion to protest the monumental gaps between verdicts and execution.

  1. “Do you realize how much of our budget is being spent on housing these criminals?” cries government auditor Boutros Snow, as he dots an I and crosses Ts on the latest government expense report. “I understand death row is needed as an ultimate punishment for those who deserve it, but we can’t keep spending truckloads of chips keeping these people for years or even decades on end! We need to set a maximum number of years before the sentencing and execution. Have some mercy on our budget!”
  2. “It doesn’t have to take as long as it does,” proclaims Hayley Bourdain, a newly-appointed prosecutor. “If someone tries to make an appeal for ‘jury misconduct’ or ‘having an impaired lawyer’, that can delay the process exponentially. If we remove the ability for inmates on death row to appeal, I am positive you’ll see a large decrease in spending on death row and faster trials overall.”
  3. “Time limits? Preventing appeals?” gasps Luke Harel, a simple country criminal defense lawyer from Southern Random Chaos. “Inmates are still people! Long waiting times are the price we pay for making sure everyone Random Chaos executes is absolutely guilty. Violet help us if we execute an innocent person! Years of habeas corpus proceedings and a large backlog are a small price to pay to ensure justice is truly served. In fact, we need to make it easier for convicted felons to appeal their often harsh sentencing.”
  4. “Clearly, the easiest solution is to execute people once they receive a guilty verdict!” chimes in horror movie aficionado Sasha O. “Going to the courtroom would be so much more fun if you got to watch people die! Don’t tell me you wouldn’t go see a trial if that was the case. Oh, and it would probably save money or something.”
  5. “Or we could just abolish capital punishment,” interjects your teenage niece as she takes a break from protesting other perceived injustices in Random Chaos. “You want to save money on killing people? Just stop killing people. Appeals are quite expensive, you know.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, residents of new housing subdivisions complain about the total absence of supermarkets and restaurants.

2021-03-11 19:30

We Are Not Amused

Entertainment tycoon and billionaire Walter Eisner has proposed Eisnerland, a massive theme park that he wants to build in an economically impoverished area of northwestern Random Chaos. Due to the significant expense of this project, Mr. Eisner is asking for state funds to help finance it.

  1. “Eisner Enterprises has provided a great source of joy and family entertainment ever since our first animated motion picture, Robbie the Rambunctious Gambler, delighted our audiences,” says Mr. Eisner as he skips around your desk in a business suit and ‘Robbie Ears.’ “My wonderland of whimsy will increase economic growth in Random Chaos, and has a chance to become the number one tourist destination in all of The Hatrackia! Of course, we will have to move a few thousand residents out of the way, but we’ll be providing much-needed employment for the area. Now would you like to see my plans for the Experimental Prototype Community Recreation Area Project?”
  2. “This is an insane proposition,” declares Hack Hill, bursting in with a homemade picket sign that depicts Robbie sitting on a throne of cash. “These corporate monsters are trying to evict us from our homes in order to build this megalopolis of rickety rides and greasy, overpriced corn dogs. For the well-being of our families and communities, and the reputation of our nation, please refuse to provide funds for Eisnerland and ban all new corporate projects in residential areas.”
  3. “No one thinks about the alternative possibilities for these dilemmas,” remarks Marina Payne, your Secretary of Compromises and Other Weird Solutions, who appears to be wearing a different-colored sock on each foot. “You see, the obvious answer is to move the entire project out to the desert. There are no residential areas or regulations to worry about! Sure, many people would be exhausted moving around in the scorching heat, and there aren’t any nearby restaurants, hospitals, or hotels, but perhaps the government could help pay for some of those as well.”
  4. “You can’t put a big amusement park there!” shouts artist Harry Jarvey, who is infamous for burning all of his sculptures within a week of their completion. “That desert is the site of our annual arts and radical inclusivity festival. The whole thing is based on freedom of expression and participation, not the sale of pre-packaged commercialism. To turn our cherished playa into a morass of corporate commodification would be an outrage! I insist that you prevent this Eisner fellow from leaving any trace of his vanity project in our desert - or anywhere else - and maybe have the government subsidize our event, for good measure. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to write a few more rules for next year’s festival.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian police have to pay out of their own pockets for bulletproof vests.

2021-03-11 13:30

Your Stuff Is Forfeit

Property rights advocates and drug law reformers are up in arms this week. In the largest criminal asset forfeiture in Random Chaos’s history, the immense mansion of prominent citizen Alvin Woofsdale was seized after his nephew was arrested for dealing drugs. With the property already at auction and the legislature twiddling its thumbs as usual, your chief of staff invited the loudest voices into your office to vent their opinions on the matter.

  1. “Forfeiture is a barbaric, medieval practice whose time has come,” grumbles Woofsdale as he compulsively rubs his nose. “I had no idea what that little scamp was doing; heck, I wasn’t even in the country at the time! Yet the police can seize and sell off my whole house without even charging me with a crime, let alone convicting me! And ordinary folks are even worse off when it happens to them, who’s gonna help them get their homes back? It’s simply time to stop, if we believe in freedom, we must outlaw forfeiture!”
  2. “If cops take a little money from drug dealers and their associates, I ain’t seeing no problems with it,” bluntly states the trench coat clad Kumar Small, who has a prominent scar on his face. “I may have even made a few chips myself doing something similar. All in the game, right? Y’all oughta make it easier for cops to take drug dealers’ stuff, that way police will be able to keep policing and drug dealers won’t be able to afford to stay in business, all on the cheap for tax payers.”
  3. “Shoooooooot!” exclaims Mud Davidson, a high ranking government official, who is rumored to have a lifestyle suspiciously more luxurious than would be expected for his income. “We can’t afford to drop asset forfeiture, especially with tax receipts so low this year. But the police have too much incentive to use forfeiture, there needs to be oversight. I would like to head an independent Oversight Committee that would make sure the forfeiture does what it’s supposed to do and the government gets its cheques... uh, keep this in check.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens praise the weeds that overwhelm their narrow vegetable realm.

2021-03-11 07:30

Forage and Forget

The Random Chaosian Botanical Society has reported a sharp decline in wild herb populations due to over-collection, resulting in a blossoming debate over foraging rules.

  1. “It’s thyme to root for our herbs!” reads the sign carried by botanist Rose Marie, who is brushing some thistles off her pants. “Our plants are cruelly uprooted to be gluttonously eaten, greedily sold, or even used by hikers as improvised toilet paper! We cannot afford to let our native species become extinct, just because they look appealing to wipe with! We should impose limits on foraging for all plant species to safeguard our flora and my - I mean our - botanical research.”
  2. “Will my daughter need a flower picking permit?” snaps Basil Nettles, the host of the Cuisine Without Culture podcast. “And what’s next, a lawnmower ban? What a joke! Plenty depend on wild herbs for food security or to supplement their income, not to mention to spruce up their bland food, and extensive regulation would leave them eating dirt. Let me give you some sage advice: foragers should have the right to roam free and collect as many wild berries and herbs as they like.”
  3. “Over-regulation is bad for the economy, but so is extinction,” reports Deputy Commerce Minister Al O’Vera. “Especially if, say, the exterminated herb has medicinal properties - Random Chaos would lose out on any health benefits, and the ability to profit off of it! So how about this? Let’s identify economically and medicinally important plants, then preserve them in national botanical gardens and herbaria. That way, even if foragers go wild, the nation still flowers.”
  4. “Plants deserve to blossom freely, not be pent-up in a stuffy greenhouse,” interjects Cory Andrea Parsley, the chairwoman of the local neighborhood beautification council, dropping a bag of seeds on your desk. “We should give free seeds to all hikers and encourage them to spread them around while they are walking. Soon enough we will have a rampant vegetation to offset the loss from free foraging.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Eco-Friendly Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wigged-out hunters report playing croquet with the Queen of Hearts.

2021-03-11 01:30

Down the Rabbit Hole

After numerous cases of brief delirium were reported in the countryside, local scientists and health officials have narrowed down the potential causes to a hallucinogenic toxin produced by a microbe that normally incubates within rabbits. Apparently, the close contact rural farmers had with tainted rabbit excrement resulted in their delusions. In response, several apoplectic and assertive citizens have accosted you while on your morning stroll to deal with the issue.

  1. “This is ridiculous,” shouts avid home gardener Alice Cheshire. “I can’t even tend my own flower beds without falling into a psychedelic trance! If I hallucinate one more rabbit wearing a waistcoat and a pocket watch, I’m gonna lose it. We must eradicate this menace, even if it means killing all the rabbits in Random Chaos! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”
  2. “Whoa, whoa, whoa... Let’s not be too hasty here,” interjects microbiologist and pharmaceutical spokeswoman Anita Plaseebeau. “This rabbit colon-based microbe gives us a rare and profitable opportunity to further both our understanding of biology and medicine. Throw a little funding our way, and we can trap some live specimens, analyze the microbe up close, and get all of Random Chaos hooked on it by Sunday.”
  3. “You all keep missing the point! These aren’t just hallucinations caused by poop, they’re gifts from the Great Rabbit Goddess!” asserts escaped mental patient and neopagan Sybil Gambler-McGee wearing her ceremonial rabbit-patterned robe and bunny slippers. “Through consuming the rabbits’ sacred defecation, we are blessed with miraculous visions of the future! Heed my prophecies, and I’ll get Random Chaos on the right path in no time.” After swallowing a handful of rabbit droppings, she twitches awkwardly on the ground while sputtering ill-fated prognostications.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, heavy industry must go to expensive lengths to dispose of waste.

2021-03-10 19:30

Waste Going to Waste, Says Industry Lobby

Random Chaos’s industries have an ever-growing amount of toxic wastes to dispose of, and doing so in safe ways is becoming prohibitively expensive, leading a group of lobbyists to try and pressure the government into changing existing disposal laws.

  1. “These waste dumping laws are destroying our businesses!” rants Conan Barry, head of the Random Chaos Bigger Business Bureau. “We need cheaper ways to eliminate industrial by-products, which really aren’t as harmful as people think, such as pouring them into rivers or deep ocean ravines where they’re harmless to us. Let’s remember that the products we manufacture make your life easier and more fun!”
  2. “A better way to deal with this problem is to convince the public it isn’t a problem at all,” whispers Jennifer Grant, head of Scamcorp, an industrial think tank. “Fudge some research, declare that the chemical by-products from industrial processing and production actually make one’s teeth and bones healthier. Then, sell them to municipalities to add to their drinking water! Yes! This will not only save us the trouble of disposing of the waste correctly, we’ll be able to sell it at a profit! I can taste the money already!”
  3. “These corrupt, money-hungry corporations are only looking out for themselves and their bottom line!” says Montgomery Mozart, an environmentalist from northern Random Chaos. “The government needs to enact stricter laws for how these companies can dump their waste safely, and when they poison the environment and Random Chaosians the government needs the authority and manpower to enforce harsh penalties! These companies make their messes, they should pay to clean them up!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation gives peace a chance - usually one in a million.

2021-03-10 13:30

Gunning for Profits

The diplomatic peace process between historic enemies Maxtopia and North Bigtopia is gaining momentum, to the delight of many who have worked hard to end this decades-long conflict. However, many Random Chaosian defence contractors are feeling less than celebratory, as the outbreak of peace has led to both nations cancelling longstanding and lucrative arms deals.

  1. “We’ve got cancellations on multiple big-ticket items, including a squadron of Blue Gambler fighter jets,” complains arms manufacturing bigwig Hayley Schwarzenegger. “Jobs and profit margins are at risk! If you want a healthy defence industry in this country, you have to persuade the two nations to renew their contracts. If that means napalming them until they comply, then so be it! Shall I put you down for a dozen long-range bombers?”
  2. “Look, we don’t have to be so blatant about things,” whispers your new janitor, who you realize is actually the CEO of Armat Battlefield Systems in an elaborate wig. “All you need is a dozen of your most loyal and discreet black ops soldiers wearing Maxtopian uniforms and carrying M41s, the rifle of choice of the Maxtopian Colonial Marine. Send them into North Bigtopia, have them shoot up a government building, and make sure they’re caught on camera. Next thing you know, we’ll all be back in business.”
  3. “Sometimes markets change; we just have to adapt,” suggests Luigi Banks, the pragmatic director of a start-up company specialising in fragmentary grenades. “Maybe the thing to do is to get rid of any restrictions on civilian ownership of military vehicles and weapons, and let us make more sales to the masses rather than to nation-states. I mean, what red-blooded young man wouldn’t like his own mobile missile launcher?”
  4. “Why don’t we go with the flow rather than make war on the peace process?” asks Diplomatic Corps Director Sarah Goethe, bringing you a nice cup of tea. “Scale down our own military spending, subsidise business interests that can profit from peace in the region, and let our own economy become less dependent on manufacturing the tools of destruction. Oh, that’s weird,” she declares, while brushing at a glowing red dot that has appeared over her chest.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the people consider response to rudeness to be an acceptable casus belli.

2021-03-10 07:30

The Cake Is a Lie

In recent weeks, a neighbouring nation in The Hatrackia released a controversial and gory movie about Random Chaos, entitled The Baker Of Random Chaos. The movie, which follows the horrifying journey of a hapless ex-baker into the criminal underworld of Random Chaos City, seems to imply that Random Chaos is a dystopian hellhole filled with violent crime. Unsurprisingly your citizenry is offended.

  1. “This movie makes us look like lawless bloodthirsty savages... and they claimed we eat Random Chaos City Cakes all year round, when everybody knows that we like Random Chaos City Scones these days!” complains scowling patriot Marshall Kim J. Unn, dousing a stack of movie promotional posters in kerosene, tossing the offending nation’s flag onto the pile, and lighting a match. “Not only should we ban this evil slanderous movie, we should also demand an apology! Deploy tanks along their border, and warn them to withdraw the film, or face the consequences.”
  2. “Woah, like chill out dude, get a sense of humour,” says satirist Sacha Sagdiyev, lighting a spliff from the bonfire. “These people just don’t know what it is actually like to live here. So, why don’t we show them? Get some tourists in, get them high on magic mushroom muffins, flood them with love. Getting angry never solved anything, man.”
  3. “Lies and videotape, eh?” muses Lenny Groovesteel, your Propaganda Minister, reading a psychology article on The Triumph Of The Will. “Two can play at that game. We should direct our own movie directors to churn out some counter-information, singing our nation’s praises and fabricating something nasty about theirs. Have you heard people talking about the disgusting Dog-Hair Muffins they bake? No? We will fix that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, homeless people dying of starvation are thought to be a necessary cost of preventing terrorism.

2021-03-10 01:30

Cui Bono?

Conservative media news source Brightheart’s recent exposé claiming that 25% of domestic terrorist funding comes from welfare fraud has sparked an earnest debate across Random Chaos on welfare reform.

  1. “It was bad enough that criminals and lazy bums were scrounging from the state, but now the government is directly subsidising terrorism!” yells Brightheart News reporter Kayla Parke, pursuing you down the street and trampling over a homeless man’s sleeping bag to keep up. “You have to end the free ride! Cut welfare completely, and make our nation safe!”
  2. “Hold your horses there buddy, let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater,” says single parent Pablo von Bismarck, ignoring the three mewling moppets trying to get his attention. “Random Chaos just needs its welfare system to be fully managed, monitored, and policed. Give folks on welfare charge cards whose transactions records are sent to a searchable police database. Then anyone making a purchase that’s the least bit suspicious should be brought in for interrogation.”
  3. “Sounds like a lot of expensive admin work to me,” complains Welfare Director Venus Croft. “Wouldn’t you rather have a solution that reduces government spending but still helps those who deserve it? Here’s the thing, nobody wants to say it, but we all know that 99% of terrorists are from a handful of religions and nations. Just say that people from those groups don’t get welfare, and you can both save money and prevent terrorism!”
  4. “I say unto you that the answer is more welfare, not less!” offers unemployed youth Charlotte Violetsglory, pushing a shopping trolley of ammonium nitrate and diesel oil to the checkout till. “If you increase welfare, then maybe the resentful disenfranchised minorities will feel more supported by society, and become less prone to radicalisation. What have you got to lose?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has enacted freedom of information.

2021-03-09 19:30

Government Saturated in Corruption

The government is rife with embezzlement and fraud as bribes and graft are accepted both blatantly and frequently by politicians and other government officials.

  1. “This is a systematic problem endemic of Random Chaos’s state of life,” says Richard English, the president of a government watchdog organisation. “The other day I asked a police officer the directions to a restaurant and he demanded fifty chips on the spot! Even the road sweepers have to be paid not to dump rubbish in your garden! We need to inflict severe penalties on anyone abusing the system. Maybe the threat of a hanging will teach them to respect the responsibility of their positions.”
  2. “The problem is transparency,” says Yolanda Márquez, member of the National Whistleblower Association. “They can do whatever they want because they have absolutely no obligation to provide the public with the details of what they’re doing. We should make all the details of any gifts or money available to the public, and make politicians accountable to the law.”
  3. “It’s really not THAT bad, is it?” asks Daisy Silva, your Minister of Commerce, fiddling with a large gold ring before sliding a thick envelope across on your desk. “Maybe it’s all just a prank. Maybe it will all just... go away?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are frequently searched for illegal weapons.

2021-03-09 13:30

With Liberty, Freedom, and Guns for All?

After the banning of firearms in Random Chaos, the underground Random Chaos Handgun Association went public, staging huge protests in an effort to turn over the firearms ban.

  1. “We need our guns back!” shouts Hugo Chavez, wildly waving a water pistol in the air. “This is an infringement on our personal rights! If someone went and killed a bunch of people with a cricket bat would you ban them too? Sure people will be killed, but that’s the price you’ve gotta pay for freedom! These liberals keep talking about legalising drugs because if we can’t control them, we might as well join them. Humbug! I say we should do the same for guns!”
  2. “Nonsense!” insists Michelle Mires, while handcuffing herself to your leg. “Guns pose a risk to people’s lives! No one should have the freedom to be stupid! Do you realise just how easy it could be for someone to get hold of a gun and just go and kill people? If you allow everyone to have guns, you’re going to be condemning people to death! The answer to safety isn’t more guns - it’s more policemen on the beat, more serious attention brought to gun-smuggling, and banning toy guns and gun-related violence on the television. We’ve got to get it into people’s heads - guns are BAD.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, travelers are subject to extensive searches if beet stains are visible on their clothing.

2021-03-09 08:00

A Green Bill of Health

An outbreak of huanglongbing, a disease that causes citrus fruit to turn green and die, nearly wiped out all of Random Chaos’s orange crop before it was contained. Investigators have determined that the outbreak originated from contaminated fruit brought by overseas travelers.

  1. “We’re at code blood orange here,” reports Minister of Agriculture Tyrion Biscuitbarrel from the ministry’s ‘citruation room’. “Our nation’s delicate ecosystem is constantly under threat from foreign diseases that can seriously harm our flora and fauna. Strict regulations must dictate which food products are allowed into Random Chaos. If someone refuses to let customs officers confiscate prohibited items, they’ll have to make like a banana and split right back to where they came from.”
  2. “A strategy like that sounds sensible, but our agriculture would still be susceptible to rot from within,” counters geneticist Billy Gutnick, who recently grew flies with eyes on their wings. “It takes only one breach for there to be another outbreak. The government should sponsor a large-scale gene editing program so that the next generation of crops and livestock won’t even blink at exotic diseases. While we’re at it, we can improve them in other ways as well. You know, I’ve always wanted to make a chicken glow in the dark.”
  3. “Woah... dude, aren’t plants supposed to be green?” asks hippy herbalist Ginny Neumann, who imports the Sedji berry ‘superfood’. “Let’s encourage our plants and animals to build their natural immunity by exposing them to these diseases from abroad — just like a pox party. After all, it’s worked just fine in nature for millions of years and stuff.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Retail Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parole board directors light up a joint before telling hash-brownie baking grannies that they have to stay behind bars.

2021-03-09 01:30

It’s Legal Now!

It’s been high times all around since the government legalized recreational marijuana. While adults can no longer be prosecuted for using or selling the drug, there still remains a high number of drug offenders in Random Chaos’s prisons who were sentenced before the law changed.

  1. “Clogging Random Chaos’s prisons with people who were simply ahead of their time is cruel, illogical and inhumane!” opines advocate Alexander Peña while puffing Maxtopian Grass cigar smoke into your face. “These visionaries should never have been imprisoned in the first place and the government needs to release every single one of them. You’d free up thousands of jail cells, and it sure beats turning them into hardened criminals behind bars.”
  2. “I sympathize with their situation, but as the old saying goes: ‘do the crime and do the time’,” reminds by-the-book FLRC Drug Enforcement Officer Elizabeth Watson. “Drug possession may be legal now, but it wasn’t when these people were arrested. They knowingly broke the law, and when you break the law in Random Chaos, you go to jail. Letting them out sends the wrong message.”
  3. “Drugs are bad, m’kay,” preaches anti-drug advocate and oddly-shaped high school guidance counselor Jean-Paul McKay. “We should never have legalized the stuff in the first place. Drugs like Maxtopian Grass cause health problems and our children are still getting their hands on it, m’kay. We need to recriminalize all recreational drugs and keep the druggies off the streets. Throw the stuff away and be done with it, m’kay.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the realistic depiction of tentacles is on the core syllabus of most art schools.

2021-03-08 19:30

Animation Provocation

When media boss Ian Tivruski green-lighted a new Brancalandian animated series for the Random Chaosian Kids Network, he thought he was commissioning a delightful children’s show about metal-working amazons who knit cozy jumpers for their grandkids. As it turns out, the surprisingly explicit animation Sword Heroins: Love Needle has caused a lot of confusion amongst young viewers, and upset many parents.

  1. “Innocent children’s minds need to be protected from such corruption,” declares noted moral guardian Maria Polytunnel. “To achieve this, we should set up a Children’s Regulatory Animation Panel, with me as its fully-paid leader, of course. We can then deem what is and what is not suitable for broadcast.”
  2. “Should we blame these images on TV? No! Blame Brancaland!” declares angry mother Sheila Brelufski. “We should send tanks, and planes, and soldiers to the Brancalandian borders, threatening war unless they stop making this filth!”
  3. “I don’t get why people are complaining, to be honest,” dissembles Tivruski defensively. “Clearly, we added ‘Sword Heroins’ to our line-up to educate children about the dangers of peer pressure, drug abuse, and challenging everyone you vaguely dislike to a duel. Let us broadcast what we like when we like, even if it does challenge the tastes of some of our more easily offended viewers. Stand up for free speech, and endorse our decision, Leader.”
  4. “I think we’re ignoring a broader issue here,” bemoans frustrated animator Parker Stonetrey, “which is that animated art forms are never taken seriously enough to be considered anything more than kiddie fare. I say that we develop Random Chaos’s artistic vision and creativity by subsidising adult animation. When people think Random Chaos, they should think hentai!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the sparkling rainbow has become a symbol of far-right extremism.

2021-03-08 13:30

Sing Heil!

The new Random Chaosian national anthem is truly a masterpiece of musical genius, with many a citizen now chanting or humming the tune at every occasion. However, none have embraced the song more than the nation’s far-right, who employ the song in fascist rallies, publications and merchandise bearing crude caricatures of ethnic minorities.

  1. “Those brutes are hurting my image,” complains the original composer of the piece, while shoving their baton at a racist poster featuring some of the song’s lyrics. “I wrote the song to represent all of the good things about the nation’s people like... like... well, you know. We need to take back my anthem! We need to actively promote being patriotic without having to resort to this hatred. A big concerto tour to celebrate the splendid original message should do the trick.”
  2. “It’s too late, your magnum opus has been ruined,” sighs Kendra Huxley, while offering a comforting shoulder to the previous speaker. “Leader, it seems we need to have another song. One that would be impossible for them to corrupt, like a song showcasing how much we love sparkly rainbows!”
  3. “You guys are all saying that like we’re wrong,” argues militant fascist Peter Poe while waving an oversized Random Chaosian flag. “All we’re doing is celebrating the wonders and glories of being from this great Free Land! Is it a crime to be patriotic, or even jingoistic? If it is, then it shouldn’t be! How about you come and speak to our planned rally next week? It will send a strong message that Random Chaos is proud of our Random Chaosian heritage, and isn’t afraid to shout about it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nationalistic national anthem inspires citizens to literally spit at foreigners.

2021-03-08 07:30

Sound Judgement

At a recent international sporting event, Bigtopian fans proudly sung their national anthem: Bigger And Cleverer. Meanwhile, the Random Chaosians in the crowd each sang half a dozen different tunes, highlighting the fact that Random Chaos still doesn’t have an official national anthem.

  1. “We need to have a grand old national anthem,” reminiscences retired war veteran Hillary O. “It ought to be a strong, rousing tune to unite a broken nation. A proud tune for a proud people! Put in some references to a flag stained in the blood of the enemy: if the unpatriotic moralising minority doesn’t like it, then they can get the heck out!”
  2. “That’s not what Random Chaos stands for in our modern age,” rebuffs avant-garde composer Mario Underwood. “We’re a pan-cultural nation of pan-humanity. I’ve composed an audiotheatrical tribute to the tribe of all life, with whale-song, echoing voices in ethnic dialects, and the laughter of children. I call it The Peace of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Riiiiight. A whale-song national anthem? He can definitely ‘PEACE OFF’!” replies annoying pun-spitting radio DJ Shelia Cockburn. “Of CHORUS we need something catchier and poppier. We shouldn’t be aVERSE to a bit of JINGLEISM. Why not let the listeners vote for an anthem? You could call it... COUNTRY’S music. Ha ha, I’m so funny!”
  4. “We don’t need subject matter to worry about or lyrics for the plebs to sing,” chimes in snobby classical musician Aria Kaine, smacking your staffer’s head with a flute. “We must create a modern masterpiece, a magnum opus that will raise Random Chaos’s spirits, a musical composition to define our nation. Summon the nation’s greatest composers and an orchestra of the finest musicians. We’ll give you a National Symphony and an anthem that will last forever!”
  5. “National anthem? Bah!” scoffs resident anarchist and constant thorn-in-your-side Ed Räikkönen. “We don’t need this government forcing that patriotic drivel down our throats! Besides, most Random Chaosians are terrible singers! That’s the last thing I want to hear at a football game!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a milk bath costs more than bathing in money.

2021-03-08 01:30

Milking It

Random Chaosian consumers have seen the prices of dairy products continue to skyrocket, seemingly without reason. However, a recent exposé by an investigative journalist has finally shed light on this situation: the three largest dairy producers in Random Chaos have conspired to fix prices.

  1. “Shame! Shame! Down with the cartels!” chants Ella Filoni, an angry protestor, ringing a cow bell in sync with her slogans. “We’ve had to pay exorbitant prices for basic dairy foodstuffs, all because a bunch of industry fat cats decided they wanted to rip us off! You should immediately implement strict antitrust laws across all industries to prevent such collusions, and make these price-fixers pay a sizeable deterrent fine.”
  2. “What? Holy cow! We were just trying to, uh, help our farmers!” exclaims Curd Holstein, CEO of MooMoo Pure Dairy. “Supermarket price wars were driving milk rates so low that dairy farmers were running at a loss, and struggling to make ends meet. Our noble goal was to improve their lot by increasing the prices, but nobody appreciates us! You should support and congratulate us, Leader, as well as provide subsidies to the dairy industry.”
  3. “It’s a shame that we have to pay for basic commodities like this,” muses embittered socialist Jiang Matsenjwa. “Look, imagine you have two cows and... no, wait, that doesn’t work. What I mean to say is that the government should pay producers a fixed tariff, and then supply a milk ration directly to the people. That will prevent greedy businesspeople from endangering people’s health for profit, and ensure that nobody will go to bed hungry!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only clowns with PhDs from clown college can advise Leader on Random Chaos's coulrophobia epidemic.

2021-03-07 19:30

The Issue With Issues

After an influx of poorly thought out, redundant, and otherwise trivial issues have been shoved across your desk, concern has been raised as to whether the government should start better regulating the issues you receive.

  1. “There must be an issue crack down!” bellows Michael Usman, your personal secretary, while removing gum off his shoe. “If we don’t do something, pretty soon we’ll be getting issues that could have just as easily been dealt with by the flip of a coin!” He pauses to discreetly move an old picture of your niece and her pet from your direct line of sight. “Let your staff take care of the frivolity so you can focus on the big stuff. In fact, if a government official passes on an issue that’s too trivial to you, fire them on the spot!”
  2. You suddenly hear a shattering noise and find Sonequa Cole, your Advisor Of Trivial Matters, has broken through your office window. “Sorry about that, your office door was being fixed,” she apologizes. “Anyway, an issues crackdown? Ha! Your window’s a trivial issue, yet you’ll probably be enlisting all of Random Chaos’s government to replace it! I say, anyone who wants should be able to bring an issue directly to your attention! Then the people will feel like the government is a helpful organization working for them, not something big to fear! If that doesn’t work, I’ll even help fix your window!”
  3. “There’s no need to go to either extreme,” ponders Ayla Kardashian, an intern and amateur vuvuzela-player who was just practicing Random Chaos’s national anthem outside your window. “I have a creative solution: we should create a rigorous, 34-tier color-coded system to evaluate how Leader-worthy an issue is and you can work through the issue queue accordingly. The people with most urgent and important issue will get a faster response. Everybody wins!”
  4. “It’s not the issues that you’ve got to watch out for, but the sorts of people that are giving you solutions,” volunteers the bee suit clad Dr. Bees, walking hand-and-hand into your office with the Bird Lady. “I can’t help but notice that some of the people who are giving you advice are a bit... odd. You just need to make sure that you’re properly vetting all your advisors, then the actual decisions making process will be a snap, no matter how trivial or important an issue is.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is illegal for police officers to carry out searches due to strict privacy laws.

2021-03-07 13:30

Bug ‘Em All, Say Police

The Random Chaos police force have come to you for permission to use phone taps to trace suspected criminals.

  1. “This is a great idea,” says police officer Nick Strange. “We can never have too much evidence in a case, and this will be of enormous help to us at reducing crime and seeing that those who deserve punishment get justice! If we could just get those silly privacy laws repealed and some funding we could find out stuff the government wants to know too.”
  2. “This is an unacceptable intrusion into the personal lives of the population,” says Theresa Butt while checking under your chair for bugs. “Just imagine all of the sensitive personal information that the police will pick up! Would you like someone listening to your calls to your mother or your lover? I think not! Laws should be passed so that the government and police can’t stick their big noses where they’re not wanted!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, loss of the ability to speak is a common affliction of the elderly.

2021-03-07 07:30

Old News

Decades ago, Gary Stark was one of the most powerful government ministers in the country. Now the old man has taken to publicly ranting against your regime, criticising everything from your economic policies to how it is your fault that neighborhood children are running on his lawn.

  1. “Well, it was nice of him to weigh in,” shrugs cool young thing Wil Bullock, toying with the latest fashionable gadget. “We got to see how these geriatrics think. Clearly he’s completely disconnected from all reality, and still fighting rivalries against politicians who’ve been dead for a decade or more! I say you go on national television and challenge him to a debate. I hear he’s in the early stages of dementia, so it’ll be pretty easy for you to make him look a fool, while making it clear that you’re not afraid to hear criticism.”
  2. “I think it would be a mistake to entirely dismiss the sage advice of the elderly,” cautions your octogenarian aunt, taking a break from criticising your ‘too modern’ hairstyle. “Your elders have many years of experience informing their decisions, and much of what they say is still very relevant. You ought to set up some kind of advisory board composed of former ministers and leaders like this gentleman, to guide you when you’re in a pickle.”
  3. “Oh please, this should be easy,” smiles Bruno Hawkins, a party strategist. “He had something like half a century or so working in politics? There must be at least one action or statement somewhere in his record that will have aged poorly. Give the green light, and we’ll dig up some dirt to bury his reputation.”
  4. “That wasn’t just the cranky rant of a senile old man; it was a leadership challenge!” announces your Director of Ideological Purity. “Stark was offering an alternative vision, with himself in charge! Let my department handle him, and I promise you’ll never hear from him again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader arrives at international summits with a white cane.

2021-03-07 01:30

Trading Climate Sours

Your refusal to sign a landmark climate treaty has resulted in bitter trade relations with some of the countries who did sign it. A number of imported items have run out of stock nationwide, causing them to be replaced with odd substitutes, which are now also out of stock. Upon realizing that the pitcher formerly containing luxury mangosteen juice is instead a strange concoction of vinegar and pineapple extract, everyone at the table is now looking at you with distaste.

  1. “So it has come to this!” cries Fatima Organa, your Minister of Health and Safety, armed with several bandoliers of vitamin C supplements. “Just go back to Brancaland and say that you didn’t SEE the treaty. Of course we would have signed it if only we had known! Though you may want to suggest some... minor amendments, to say the least.” She hands a quantity of flaxseeds and a jar of applesauce in a 2:1 ratio to you. “For luck.”
  2. “First they tell us to bankrupt our country by making reforms that we can’t afford, and now they’re trying to make sure we’ll stay poor by cutting off our trade?” roars your Minister of Commerce, Khethelo van Straaten, writing with a series of crudely whittled charcoal sticks. “We just need to find new trade partners. If we set all the terms, we can end this acrid drought and continue to run on what has made the world’s economy work for centuries. Items like coal, oil, plaster sculptures of your face — and now there’s even less competition for all three!”
  3. “I knew this would happen ever since the man on AM radio said it would,” grumbles retired military officer Rebecca Cook, unfolding his wrist watch into cutlery before attacking a thirty-year-old survival meal kit. “Treaties are just how the globalist elite get you to turn over your sovereignty. If we need something, anything at all, we should make it ourselves! Let’s start making our own products straight from Random Chaosian soil, even if they don’t grow here, even if they don’t grow at all!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the industries of Random Chaos are coughing all the way to the bank.

2021-03-06 19:30

Trick or Treaty

After lengthy political wrangling, a global treaty on reducing greenhouse gas emissions has been put on the table. World powers such as Brancaland, Blackacre and Dàguó have moved to ratify the treaty, and the heat is on for Random Chaos to make a decision.

  1. “Only through coordinated international action can we deal with the crisis of climate change,” preaches Apu Bourdain, who has spent the better part of a decade as Random Chaos’s lead negotiator for the treaty. “The emissions reduction targets in this treaty are achievable, and affordable. Leader, for our children’s future, we must ratify this treaty.”
  2. “What mankind does has no bearing on whether the weather is warm,” rants Erica Harel, a columnist at the think-tank Convenient Truths. “Ratifying this treaty would be economic suicide, and it’s well-known that the threats of so-called ‘climate change’ have been exaggerated by countries like Dàguó in order to cripple our economy. You must refuse to ratify this treaty!”
  3. “You know, I was beginning to warm up to this treaty,” argues hot-headed environmentalist Judas O. “But then, I got to the proposed emissions reduction targets: they’re pathetic! We do need to set an international example, but not by ratifying this worthless treaty. Instead, we must pass national legislation that properly addresses the magnitude of our problem. Like, oh I don’t know, an eighty percent reduction of all emissions by next Tuesday.”
  4. “All this has me thinking,” muses Harley Underwood, an economics professor specializing in game theory, who is simultaneously playing chess with your aide. “The emissions reductions would impact our economy, but not ratifying the treaty would adversely affect our international reputation. I noticed that the compliance verification provisions are quite... lax. So let’s ratify, do some lip-service, and then forget about it. It’ll give us a competitive advantage.” With a flourish, she moves her queen across the chessboard. “Check and mate!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, thrift shops are closing their doors.

2021-03-06 13:30

Public Protesting Pawnbroker Pickpockets

After a ring of black market fences were caught dealing in stolen goods from Random Chaos City to the rural village Noh Weir, pawn shops have fallen under scrutiny for their role in reselling illicitly-acquired wares.

  1. “Leader, I’ve had it up to here with these pawn shops. They’ve taken it a step too far!” The flustered Nomathemba Farmer shakes her fist. “They bought my TV from a criminal! Then sold it back to me! Sure, it took me a week to even notice, and only because of the smell, but that doesn’t matter! They are accomplices to this crime, and I demand justice. No, I demand vengeance! No more second-hand stores!”
  2. “We don’t need such a drastic decision,” pipes up Minister of Justice Wei Mansbridge. “We just need to regulate these stores. Before any product can be sold, run these items through some police databases, and take extensive notes on the seller to crosscheck for criminal history. Sure, it will cost the taxpayers a bit, but they’ll make it back with the great deals on used stereo systems.”
  3. Pawnbroker Brian Skinner removes his sunglasses. “I’ve been in this business my whole life, like my father before me. But now a few bad apples are giving us a bad name. If you help subsidize a television show about our hard-working salespeople, maybe we can change the public’s mind. I’m sure we can meet halfway.”
  4. Heather Bishop finally steps forward from the shadows, inviting you to kiss her ringed hand. “Look, Leader, let me be clear. This is a perfectly legitimate business. We can provide paperwork on our taxes and all. But I’d rather just give you a gift of a widescreen plasma TV. Just be careful, you might blind yourself on this picture quality. If you do, perhaps... turn that blinded eye toward our business.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ten thousand Random Chaosian soldiers recently invaded a nation occupied by two senior citizens and a dachshund.

2021-03-06 07:30

The Prodigal States

Yesterday, one of the areas that recently seceded from Random Chaos was forced to declare itself utterly bankrupt after having spent their entire budget on a gilded statue of their founder. Today, representatives from these new “states” have started reaching out to you to consider the possibility of reconnecting with the Free Land.

  1. “Oh Violet, it’s all gone terribly wrong,” bemoans ‘King’ Larry Glenn, ruler of the Glorious Eastern United Gambler Empire (population 12). “I thought it’d be awesome having my own kingdom and everything, but it’s actually really hard work! We’ve got no industry since Dave broke our woodcutting axe and even worse, every damn day I get bugged by idiots who want me to make decisions on everything from foreign policy to whether we should resize our football pitch... can’t they sort this out themselves? Please just take us back, OK?”
  2. “One little setback and you go running home to mummy,” sneers President-for-life Chloe Modi of the Democratic People’s Republic of Random Chaos City Boulevard nr. 10 (population 24), as she signs a series of executive orders. “Those weaklings over in the People’s Democratic Republic of Gambler Hills were never going to last anyway. If you really want to help all of us, then make sure we can stand on our own two feet! I think what we need here is for you to provide a forum to promote more diplomatic links, trade and military cooperation with us smaller nations. It’d help you out, and we’d love to have real toilet paper again.”
  3. “I told you at the time this was a stupid idea,” sighs Leroy Sulu, Minister for International Affairs. “These idiots are too busy fighting each other or playing at king to even begin thinking about basic infrastructure, let alone functioning toilets. Seriously, you could spit across most of these places. Nonetheless, our agents report some of them are raising armies literally dozens strong. Enough is enough, Leader: let’s welcome back the ones who have seen the error of their ways, bring out the fatted calf and all that, and send in some of our bad hombres to forcefully annex the rest of them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, heartfelt sentiments are mercilessly marketed by a million-chip treacle machine.

2021-03-06 02:00

Rodney and Julietta

The unlikely romance between your nephew Rodney and Princess Julietta, the second daughter of the King of Moltevino, has been the talk of The Hatrackia for many months. However, it hit a snag when the young couple decided to make a long-term commitment. Moltevino refuses to sanction such a match, as your nephew is not of royal blood.

  1. “The King of Moltevino extends his noble hand in friendship,” declares Moltevino’s ambassador Lord Capello between tightly clenched lips, half-bowing. “Our fair kingdom has been enriched by exports of our many grape-based products and would like to share that glory through a favorable trade agreement. The King has one small request in return: lock your threadbare juggler of a nephew away from the Pearl of Moltevino, burn all his mad-headed ravings of love, and keep that rancorous coxcomb confined until he has foresworn all ties that he claims existed between himself and the Princess. Her Radiance isn’t a hedge-born puterelle who should be consorting with commoners! No offence intended.”
  2. “Pathetic little Moltevino is trying to push us around?” scoffs the Minister of Ego-Boosting and Teetotalism. “You could spit from one side of their country and hit the other side! Their only notable export is wine. I mean, it’s damn good wine... I’ve heard. But we don’t want that stuff in our dry country anyway! Let good old Princess Jules come and live in Random Chaos. What are the Moltevinans gonna do? Invade us to get their ‘Pearl’ back? With what — their army of three pensioners, two cowards, and one courageous golden retriever named ‘Cuddles’? I’d like to see them try!”
  3. “Fair Moltevino has so much more than wine,” exhorts Joseph Cohen, the Minister of Culture, as he holds up a brochure. “Look at this: meandering river cruises through wine country, historic architecture, Lovers’ Clock in the piazza vecchia. Perhaps an influx of tourist cash might be the tie that binds this lovers’ knot, through a story that shouldn’t be forgot. The young couple could settle in their preferred nation, and in return we would help promote Moltevino as a major tourist destination. Lots of sightseers visiting romantic places can put a smile on even the grumpiest of kings’ faces. For never was a story marketed better, than that of Rodney and his Julietta.”
  4. “Oh, just become a monarch,” shrugs your laziest nephew, Gene, who’s just been fired after one day at his latest in a long line of jobs. “Come on, you waving to the people from balconies, talking about ‘royal unions between two nations, both alike in dignity’... folks’d love it! Then Rodney would be ‘His Royal Highness Rodney of Random Chaos’ and I’d never have to work again... I mean, and he could be with the Princess. Wouldn’t that be cool?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, litter collection has replaced fast food as the most popular after-school job.

2021-03-05 19:30

Trash Talk

After massive trash heaps overflowed onto one of Random Chaos City’s busiest intersections, causing traffic to grind to a halt for ten hours, many have agreed that the nation’s litter problem is out of control. In response, representatives from the Society for the Prettying Up of Random Chaos have come to your office proposing a nationwide beautification campaign to pick it all up.

  1. “Our wonderful country is being buried by this refuse!” wails SPURC President Willow Venkman. “It’s simply a disgrace! We need funding and able-bodied men and women to stage a monthly clean-up of our once-treasured land. We’d pick up litter, plant trees, touch up the paint on the old courthouse — we’d polish up the whole country! As an incentive, participants could receive a small stipend.”
  2. “Now why on Earth should hard-working citizens do this?” asks the Warden of Random Chaos City Penitentiary, Coraline Cox. “We’ve got plenty of worthless criminals sitting around with their thumbs up their butts. Give these scum something worthwhile to do. They’ll get to pay off their debt to society by helping clean it up!”
  3. “It’s not enough to just clean it up,” asserts the CEO of Showers of Flowers. “We need a massive project to show The Hatrackia how proud of our country we truly are. With a whole lot of government funds, my company could build the Hanging Gardens of Random Chaos City. Picture it now: flowing vines down the walls, blooming daisies, baskets of chrysanthemums, thousands upon thousands of tourists. Think of the pride. Think of the money.”
  4. “Why are we wasting our time with this nonsense?” asks infamous miser Homer Kidman. “All this hullabaloo over a little trash. Here’s a news flash: there’s always going to be trash! A bunch of hippies prancing around on the government’s dime ain’t gonna change that! You should know better than to spend our tax chips on such frivolous endeavors. Why don’t you beautify our wallets instead and give us a tax break?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, senior citizens can usually be found doing heavy manual labour.

2021-03-05 13:30

Pensioners in Protest

Falling standards at the retirement homes of Random Chaos have prompted OAPs to take to the streets and demand better treatment.

  1. “There needs to be more done for the elderly,” says Lucy Davis, a resident of ‘This Old Man’ retirement home. “We can’t work to support ourselves anymore, and the pensions we get are measly. We need more benefits such as higher standards of living, free bus tickets, and a continuous supply of chips. All it requires is a little more generosity on the part of the tax payers - after all, we fought the war for their sort.”
  2. “I’m not giving any of my hard-earned wages to a bunch of old fossils,” says Sancho Kumar, a devout taxpayer. “If they weren’t smart enough to save enough money for their later years, then why should the government pay out for them now? They had their chance and they didn’t take it. If they really want money so bad, they can go out and work for it like everyone else.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prime commercial land is being swamped with archaeological teams.

2021-03-05 07:30

An Archaeological Altercation

During the construction of a new Hyper-Mega-Ultra-Super Mall, construction workers have unearthed what appears to be an ancient temple. A furious debate has arisen between those who wish to preserve it, and those who need their retail therapy.

  1. “This is the perfect opportunity to learn more of our nation’s history!” says Professor Wally Washington, head of the archaeological department of the Random Chaos History Museum. “All building work must be halted immediately so that my team can study this remarkable piece of our nation’s past. To bury these ruins under some concrete eyesore would be criminal!”
  2. “It’s all very nice to get to know some more about our past,” argues foreman Bongani Davis. “But that’s just the thing! It’s the past! We must think of the future. If you allow those decrepit fossils to take over this place, you put at risk the future of our economy! Today it’s archaeological digs, tomorrow it’s ‘preservation of the environment’. Just let me bulldoze the worthless pile of rubble and bury it under a few hundred tonnes of concrete.”
  3. “Behold, the hour has arrived! The Holy Temple of Firefury Amahira has been unearthed!” proclaims Yon-Zhauryg v’Klot, leader of the Cult of the Undead Gambler. “This land is sacred, and must not be befouled by these corporations! No-one but the enlightened children of Firefury must be allowed to venture inside our rediscovered sanctuary, where we will perform the required rituals to please the Great Goddess and prevent Her from unleashing Her wrath upon the world.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lottery winners spend most of their money on security.

2021-03-05 01:30

Who Wants to Know a Millionaire?

A climbing jackpot in the lucrative Random Chaosian national lottery has led to weeks of media frenzy, and at last, a ticket sold at a corner drugstore in Random Chaos City has been drawn. However, the winner has refused to come forward to claim their prize. A letter sent without return address purports to be from the winner, who demands to remain anonymous.

  1. “This is a matter of privacy and safety,” argues Bruno Davenport, a spokesperson for the pro-anonymity group Citizens Railing Against Peeping. “Releasing the names of these winners puts them in considerable risk. Last month’s winner was harassed by former partners, stalked by tireless panhandlers, and nearly robbed by half a dozen chuggers! Lottery winners need to be left alone so they can go back to their normal jobs — or not, as the case may be.”
  2. “We must continue to publicize these lucky winners,” interjects your head of gaming, Hermione Krugman, while slipping on a pair of black leather gloves. “Our lotteries help fund important Random Chaosian programs like education, parks, and hacki- I mean technical literacy, so the people need to know the winners’ identities to ensure it’s not just government insiders who win. Plus,” she continues while putting on a clown mask, “we’re still a nation of laws. I’ll concede that a few weirdos will stalk the winners, but the overwhelming majority of our citizens are courteous enough to leave them alone. Now where did I leave my lockpicking set?”
  3. “Gambling is the Devil’s vice!” proclaims puritan zealot Mario Roosevelt. “Lotteries are a legal avenue for the state to rob the destitute and mathematically illiterate! I’ve spent millions of chips on tickets and haven’t won a fraction of it back! You need to not just protect the winner, but all of Random Chaos — outlaw all forms of gambling immediately!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people across the world seek to be healthier by eliminating carbs.

2021-03-04 19:30

Grave Disease

A group of teenagers have stumbled across an abandoned graveyard in the highest mountains of Random Chaos containing bodies infected with a new, unknown, and deadly strain of Maxtopian Pox — a disease previously thought eradicated. With the infected teenagers isolated in hospital, you have called an emergency meeting with top virologists to discuss available options.

  1. “This virus, inadvertently reactivated following permafrost excavation, was thought to be fully eradicated a few decades ago,” exclaims Theresa Clinton, wearing a full hazmat suit. “If it spreads, it could cause devastation in Random Chaos on an unprecedented scale! Simply put, both our immune systems and the pharmacological armory are not prepared to face this threat. We must quarantine ground zero and offer vaccinations to nearby settlements, unless you want a pandemic on your hands.”
  2. “Humanity eradicated the Maxtopian Pox by vaccinating every single person,” whispers public health official Buffy Juran, trying to stick a needle in you. “But these days, we have become complacent. In preparation for the inevitable outbreak, we must mandate routine vaccination against the Maxtopian Pox for everyone! Those who refuse to be vaccinated must be infected with the virus and left to die in the isolated wilderness as a demonstration of what will happen if we don’t prepare.”
  3. “Deadly disease, you say?” cheerfully asks one of your more jingoistic advisers. “This is a great opportunity to bolster our military presence in The Hatrackia, and you’re just letting it go to waste! I say dig up the bodies, bring them to the totally non-existent Area 50, and use them as biological weapons! Everyone’s going to think twice about attacking us now!”
  4. “You can save humanity by saving the planet!” yells a messy-looking teenage protester who just entered your office through a window. “Climate change is causing the ice to melt, releasing deadly diseases that have been trapped for centuries. To prevent epidemics, we must stop climate change. Enforce tougher environmental regulations in Random Chaos. Eliminate carbon emissions! Forget the immediate crisis; we have to prevent future ones!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, roadside walls are being built and mother nature is paying for it.

2021-03-04 13:30

Rocky Road

Nearly two dozen sightseers were injured yesterday in a rockfall. Their tour bus, which had been travelling through a scenic mountainous region in northern Random Chaos, was struck by a large boulder as it tumbled down a steep slope. The accident has resulted in calls to protect roadways in areas prone to rockfalls.

  1. “I just wanted to see the sights. Instead I got slammed by clastic sedimentary rocks!” exclaims rockfall survivor and geologist Harry Gruber, cuts and bruises visible on his extremities. “After the accident, the first thing I did was get down on my hands and knees and thank my lucky stars. The next thing I did was wonder how Random Chaos could even allow something like this to occur! Motorists shouldn’t have to worry about conglomerates crashing into them! Protective roadside barriers and fences should be erected in areas where rockfalls are common.”
  2. “It was a tragedy, for sure, yet another example why safety should never be taken for granite,” states environmentalist Matilda Nahasapeemapetilon. “Constructing roadside barriers and fences just isn’t worth it, and not only because they’d break the bank. In doing their duty, they’d also mar some of the most beautiful roadside views in Random Chaos and disrupt local wildlife. Of course, people’s safety is important, so posting warning signs along the roadside is an appropriate measure to take. If a driver can’t spot a huge boulder coming at them, then maybe they shouldn’t be allowed on the roads in the first place.”
  3. “They say it takes millions of years for mountainous regions to form,” explains Steffan Thiesen, CEO of one of the largest mining companies in Random Chaos. “If you allow us to perform mountaintop removal mining, rockfalls and the ugly, eroding mountains and cliffs responsible for causing them will be a thing of the past. Drivers will have peace of mind, certain that they will reach their destination in one piece. All the while, the economy will benefit from the minerals extracted from the excavation sites! I mean, talk about killing two birds with one stone!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, armoured pyjamas are in fashion amongst the nation's nobility.

2021-03-04 07:30

Winning the Genetic Lottery

A combination of careful merging of bloodlines, a small number of “accidental falls down spiral staircases” and sheer luck has left many of your vassals with a single shared heir, who is now poised to become the most powerful landowner in Random Chaos.

  1. “I don’t see the need for discontent,” says Duke Rich R. Daffird, the heir in question, hunching petulantly. “Providence and the rightful law of the land have put me in line to inherit. If a man were to inherit a horse... yes, a horse... you would not take it away, would you? Well, my fiefdom is as a horse. And is my pedigree not noble enough? My mother came from House Gambler and my grandmother was a princess of Barria, after all. Instead, let us be friends, and let a glorious summer of alliance between near-equals begin.”
  2. “I don’t care if this person’s the King of Nova Syrupa!” screeches your brother, after Daffird leaves. “No one outside the family should have that much power in Random Chaos! We must divert these inheritances away from this meddlesome Duke! Forge charters! Hire assassins to murder him in his sleep! Do whatever must be done!”
  3. “There is a third option here,” suggests courtier and serial womaniser Bors S. Jonson. “Ask yourself: why do so many of your vassals have a single heir? Because of the way inheritance laws work. Instead, assert that all progeny inherit equally, regardless of relative age and the circumstances of their conception, and the whole problem will soon be divided and conquered.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bands of paramedics walk the streets looking for suspicious medical activity.

2021-03-04 01:30

Do Good Intentions Make Good Samaritans?

Yesterday, a man was struck with a heart-attack in the middle of a busy Random Chaos City square. As the average Random Chaosian simply passed by, a foreigner in traditional garb stepped up and administered an unconventional form of CPR, involving stamping repeatedly on the man’s chest, which did indeed save the man from certain death on the street. Unfortunately, the excessive force broke a rib and punctured a lung in the process, and the man later died from complications of this injury.

  1. “I did what was best to save this person’s life, and I did, momentarily,” shouts Sonequa Drake, while pouring oil and wine on your dying cactus. “I know I’m a shepherd, not a doctor, and the technique I used was only certified to be used on sheep, it is true, but that man would’ve died without me! It’s a moral imperative to help your fellow man, and if people mean well and act accordingly, they should not face punishment for any unintentional and unfortunate consequences.”
  2. “I saw the whole thing,” says Amelia Demosthenes, who was too busy painting her nails to actually help. “Now, I don’t doubt that this person tried to save the old man, not at all. At the same time, though, that stranger jumped on top of him and began stomping on his chest, and now he’s gone; I mean, think of the family and stuff. Some just retribution, or at least a little compensation, is in order, don’t you think? That foreigner ought to pay for the damage done. Good intentions can’t be enough, it’s what comes out the other end that counts.”
  3. “Hey, who’s the doctor, er, nurse here?” bellows Nurse Evan Schmo, whose head mirror is both upside down and facing the wrong way. “Emergency medical staff are the only ones who know what’s what when it comes to these situations. I’m so sick and tired of amateurs blazing in, failing at cowboy techniques they picked up from some WhoTube-channel and doing more damage than good. Laymen shouldn’t be allowed to meddle; what we need are organized health patrols with uniformed EMTs on the beat, just like cops. That way, when there’s an emergency, people who really know their stuff will be there to help.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has been criticized for giving away Random Chaos's territory to anyone who claims it.

2021-03-03 19:30

Small Claims

The small, barren, and uninhabited island of Hanshedrik is claimed by both Random Chaos and Skandilund, and for years both sides have playfully vied for its control. New satellite images have shown that the Skandilundian flag has been planted on Hanshedrik, along with a gift of danishes. As you have no other plans today, you have called for a meeting to finally solve the dispute once and for all.

  1. “Two can play at this game!” declares your brother while lusting after the very tempting danishes on your desk. “We ought to respond in kind! Let’s plant our flag on Hanshedrik, and leave them a nice gift of Random Chaosian cheese. After all, mother always said there’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition!”
  2. “Or we could simply give the island to Skandilund as a gesture of our goodwill,” suggests your sister, after one of the danishes mysteriously vanishes. “In a world full of hostile nations like Blackacre and Maxtopia, wouldn’t it be nice to have a reliable ally? Giving them Hanshedrik would be a sign of respect. Perhaps we could even invite them to negotiate a military alliance, all at the low, low cost of a worthless island and a bit of national pride.”
  3. “Excuse me? Don’t tell me you’re suggesting that we give those Skands OUR island!” roars your Defense Minister before he starts whistling innocently as another danish disappears. “Playtime is over. If these frozen hippies want OUR island, they’ll have to fight us for it! We must establish a military base on Hanshedrik and defend it at all costs. That means more funding for the military to make sure everything goes smoothly.”
  4. “Must everything come down to war?” sighs the rarely seen ambassador of Qaanpaluk, a mysterious, but wealthy, nation made of a series of frozen islands. “Technically, Hanshedrik belongs to neither Random Chaos nor Skandilund and therefore is not yours or theirs to give away. Our ancestors discovered the island centuries ago and it has a spiritual significance for us. We are not an unreasonable people. If you give the island to us, we’ll grant you access to some of our gold deposits.” Just as you are about to grab a tasty danish, you notice the plate is now empty.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parents must choose their children's names from a government-mandated master list.

2021-03-03 13:30

What’s in a Name?

A man by the name of &%*\@# Smith hit the headlines yesterday when he had his first name legally changed to ‘John’, citing the ridicule and stress he suffered because of his given name. Mr Smith publicly commented afterwards that there should be more restrictions on what parents can name their children.

  1. “People do so love to be different,” says Insert Name Here, with a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what my folks were thinking when they named me. Probably about how ‘novel’ and ‘with it’ they were being, but I didn’t get a say in it did I? Growing up in my neighbourhood with the first name ‘Insert’ wasn’t fun at all I can tell you! The government should set up a registry of recognised names that are clean, sensible, and non-teasable. Kids deserve better.”
  2. “It’s none of the government’s business what I name my daughter,” says Follicle Rainbow Gooseknob, cradling [expletive deleted] in her arms. “Are you going to tell us what to think next? Where to go? Who to love? I don’t want some grey-faced bureaucrat deciding what name is appropriate for my child! What kind of country hates personal freedom so much you can’t even choose your own name?”
  3. “Names? Names are so inefficient!” says Five-Oh-Three McGoohan, counting beads. “Who can honestly tell one Billy-Bob Mullins from another? That name’s so popular now, I met three people at the mall with it just last week! Face it! Names are old-hat! Everyone ought to go by a government-allocated ID number instead, much more practical. Who could make fun of a child named Six-Eight-Four?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the weather report is the prisoners' favourite programme.

2021-03-03 07:30

The Prisoners’ Dilemma

Your secretary wakes you with a phone call at three o’clock in the morning. “Sorry to wake you, Leader, but we have a problem. The severe rainy season has overwhelmed flood defences in an isolated northern part of Random Chaos. Our engineers say we have half an hour before a storm surge sweeps through the region. Almost everyone in the area has been evacuated, with the exception of the inmates and guards at the notorious Zetatraz prison. I’ve got two officers on the line. Shall I put them through?”

  1. “We don’t have the manpower to evacuate the prison in an orderly fashion!” shouts Sasha Love over the sound of pouring rain. “You have to let us open the gates and give the prisoners a chance to get to high ground. Sure, some of these prisoners may be guilty of some serious offenses, but they’re still human beings and you cannot leave them to drown! Give the order; I’m sure we’ll be able to round them all up once the storm has passed.”
  2. “Tell me you’re joking!” yells Anna Shiomi, as you hear the heavy clang of keys being turned in old locks. “Zetatraz holds the worst of the worst. Murderers, rapists and jaywalkers crammed into every cell. If we let these animals loose, we’re endangering every innocent person in the country. They had their chance to live productive, law-abiding lives and they blew it. Let the guards lock these thugs in and escape to safety.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Retail Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sushi is sold on the black market.

2021-03-03 01:30

The Germ of an Idea

Over the last two months, hospitals in Random Chaos have been reporting a consistently increasing number of check-ins related to food contamination, which has fueled a debate among Random Chaosians regarding government regulations on food safety.

  1. “The rise in food poisoning is disturbing, and entirely avoidable,” asserts the Minister of Food Safety, Molly Cartman, who is also the author of the popular sightseeing guide 1001 Lavatories To See Before You Die. “Better regulation and mandatory training of anyone serving food to the public would ensure a sharp decline in food poisoning cases.” Turning slightly green, she sprints from the room.
  2. “You’re out of your mind if you’re even considering this,” asserts Vladimir Howell, owner of the small town restaurant, The Random Chaosian Gourmet. “Millions of people eat in restaurants every day, and normal people don’t have any problems! It’s just the wimps who are blowing this whole ‘food poisoning’ and ‘lack of food safety’ thing way out of proportion. Over-sterilisation of our environment weakens our immune systems. You should get rid of any ideas of food standards regulation, and we’ll all be healthier for it!”
  3. “Don’t you know what’s in those restaurants? Germs!” exclaims Bob Peters, as he wipes his hands repeatedly with a wet-wipe. “Germs that get into your body, into your brain, and make you sick. Chefs cough in our food and serve it to us. Believe me, I know what goes on. I boil all my food for thirty minutes. It kills the germs, keeps me safe. And Leader, if you want to protect Random Chaosians, you’ll insist restaurants do the same.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, art criticism in Random Chaos is scathingly destructive.

2021-03-02 19:30

You Got Stones

A government-sponsored contest to find the best Random Chaosian sculptor was wildly successful, with a multitude of statues brought to the Ministry of Culture’s marquee at the Random Chaos City Convention Center. Thanks to some small print in the competition’s terms and conditions, the entries are now the property of the Ministry of Culture. Now there are tens of thousands of sculptures to dispose of, many of which are frankly terrible.

  1. “You must display all these works in a permanent gallery!” exclaims Alfred Banks, a dubiously-talented artist who placed 3587th in the contest. “It doesn’t matter if people want to see these sculptures or not, as all art is part of the culture and history of our nation. Like that marble bust of you in the corner of your office, Leader - it’s pretty ugly, but we still keep it around.”
  2. “We should distribute the sculptures en masse to our allies!” suggests Ella Goethe, your Minister of Foreign Affairs, who you recall ‘regifted’ your birthday present to her back to you last year. “They’ll feel obliged to accept in order to maintain diplomatic politeness. And hey, what’s so bad about spreading Random Chaosian culture around the world?”
  3. “We should just demolish ‘em,” urges construction site foreman Johann Moneypenny, grabbing a delicate-looking ceramic anaglyptic and breaking it over his knee for emphasis. “All we need is your permission, and an empty lot, and half-a-dozen bulldozers and steamrollers.”
  4. “Or we could repurpose these items,” suggests your DIY-loving Uncle Gary, wearing a pair of dungarees he improvised from rubber bands and reclaimed umbrella fabric. “We can knock together all sorts of useful items if we put our minds to it: big paperweights, weights for the gym, weights to keep doors open, mobile phone cases... that weigh a lot. The choices are endless! Well, not exactly endless, but you know what I mean!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreigners are treated with great suspicion.

2021-03-02 13:30

Random Chaos’s Schoolchildren Not Learning the Lingua Franca

After a recent national survey revealed that almost three-quarters of the population only know the primary language of Random Chaos, there have been rising calls for the government to take action.

  1. “Fluency in foreign languages is imperative to education,” says Professor Ruby Garcia of Random Chaos City University. “Learning a new tongue not only gives a child a practical, marketable skill, but also encourages compassion and understanding of foreign cultures. With so many nations in the world, I do insist that we increase government funding in these areas and make it a compulsory part of the curriculum. As we say in Ancient Maxtopian: froggug sederty bungo-bungo!”
  2. “To be frank, the need for outsiders’ speak doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest!” claims Alina McKinnon, a fierce patriot. “Making our children learn these languages is an affront to the basic civil rights of Random Chaos! What’s more, this will encourage those damn foreigners to come here and take our jobs! I for one, will not stand for it! We can drop that area of education; it’ll give us tax payers a bit of a breather for once. I’ve always said that we don’t need any others but our own!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, visions of giant pink gamblers are a common side effect after Random Chaosians eat their meals.

2021-03-02 07:30

Florists Blooming Mad

Bigtopian Balsam — an invasive weed with an extremely short gestation period, rapid growth, and hallucinogenic properties — has infested the Random Chaosian hillsides. After smothering endangered wildflowers and crop-laden fields alike, a seemingly unlikely coalition of environmentalists and business owners have petitioned the government for action.

  1. “These damn weeds are out of control!” shouts the nation’s leading basket-weaving magnate, who insists on being called the Basketcase. “They’ve completely destroyed my bamboo crop and are overrunning everything else! The government needs to back off with these pesticide regulations and let us handle this problem ourselves.”
  2. “For once, I agree with my money-grubbing colleague here — in theory,” replies your constantly overlooked Minister of the Environment, Thomas Stuckmann. “However, I disagree in methodology. All those nasty pesticides and chemicals would do colossal and irreversible damage to the environment. How about we set up a jobs program to remove the weeds and reseed the earth? It’ll be a little costly, but hey, we’ll be helping the environment and tackling unemployment! Talk about killing two gamblers with one stone!”
  3. “Eureka!” exclaims drug dealer-turned-scientist Basil Cage. “Bigtopian Balsam’s growth is astounding! Imagine if we utilized their genes for other crops, like wheat or corn? We could plant and harvest it within a month, feeding all of Random Chaos. That means no more importing foodstuffs from other countries! There might be a tiny chance of psychotropic side-effects, but that’s nothing compared to the economic benefits!”
  4. “Use the genes for food? HA!” laughs controversial military scientist, Fleur Hester who, for some odd reason, has been by your side since the beginning. “Bigtopian Balsam is the perfect bio-weapon that can wipe out our enemies’ agriculture! Our extensive research shows that Bigtopian Balsam has been successful in the ‘accidental’ contamination of a few localized sites. We need more funding to begin immediate construction of a payload delivery system and your authorization for its approval. There’s no chance of retaliation either - our enemies will be too doped up to care!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Conservative.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the number of judges has tripled in recent months.

2021-03-02 01:30

Summary Injustice

An anti-corruption case accusing a Constitutional Court Judge of abusing his power was recently dismissed without trial, because the same Constitutional Court Judge said that he was ‘too tired to read the case notes’. After a week of bad press, the national ombudsman is demanding that you review the case personally, as it has become a cause célèbre within the legal community.

  1. “The system in place is a mockery of justice, beholden to the whims and corruptibility of individual judges,” lectures Ombudsman Adele Galavan, who is once again concerned with the plight of the common man. “The little guy doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell when one biased judge gets to decide everything! We simply must bring back trial by jury for all criminal cases, or else our legal system will be considered as hopelessly corrupt as Maxtopia’s.”
  2. “Why would we ever trust legal judgment to the untrained and unwashed masses?” asks Justice Mario McKay over tea and scones in his tower-shaped house, which appears to be made of ivory. “Only the legal elite are sufficiently educated to decide cases properly, especially on such complicated matters as criminal law. Uphold the decision of the Constitutional Court, and let me also sentence those annoying agitators for wasting the court’s precious time with this nonsense.”
  3. “I’ll admit it: unilateral judgement is a flawed system,” observes Clotho Cerberus, one of the three Cerberus sisters, who is promptly interrupted by her sibling Lachesis Cerberus. “But I also acknowledge my sister’s point that citizen juries lack the legal knowledge to make sound judgments.” Atropos Cerberus then interrupts the other two siblings, “So why not have all courts run by a triumvirate of judges, with a two-to-one majority needed to impose sentences? That way, no one bad seed can corrupt the entire judiciary.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, commemoration of the Great The Hatrackia War costs almost as much as the war itself.

2021-03-01 19:30

The War to End All Wars

It’s the centenary of a great war that shook The Hatrackia, and competing plans to commemorate the historic moment are being considered for approval.

  1. “No expense must be spared!” shouts military historian Sancho Scheer through his unfashionable mustache. “This historic event must be celebrated through every town square in the country. Parades, street parties, reenactments! I’m sure all our citizens will contribute handsomely to making this celebration truly memorable.”
  2. “Excellent! And let’s not stop with the past,” proclaims Brigadier-General Selma Bach, Director of Public Outreach for the Army. “We can use this burst of patriotic fervor to give a strong message of support to today’s armed forces, going forward. We should have a big parade of our men and women in uniform in Random Chaos City with a fly-by from the Air Force. We can never have too many recruits, after all.”
  3. “Do you have any idea how much all of that would cost?” complains budget auditor Aphrodite Gilligan while eating a stale rice cracker for lunch. “We shouldn’t spend money on something that happened a hundred years ago, and the savings from all that pomp and circumstance can be returned to the taxpayers. Are you going to eat that sandwich?”
  4. “I don’t mind having a commemoration, but we need to remember that most of the people who died in the Great War were common workers like me,” says union leader Ebenezer Mistletoe, who never seems to be content with anything. “I think it’s only fair that we give everyone a national holiday, so we can all reflect upon our history of class oppression. Otherwise celebrations like this end up just being for you toffs.”
  5. “Of course we should remember the War - but there was nothing ‘Great’ about it!” pontificates student protester Kim Stuckmann, who has read two and a half books about the War and now knows everything about it. “It was a shameful bloodbath caused by greedy capitalist arms manufacturers, and it could have been avoided. We should be remembering the incalculable tragedy of it all and making sure it never happens again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, being Leader has been voted one of the top ten most dangerous jobs.

2021-03-01 13:30

A Sticky End for Leader?

After the recent Syrupgate Scandal (where your niece was seen eating pancakes with a non-maple-based sweetener) relations between Brancaland and Random Chaos have reached an all-time low. Hoping to patch things over, a formal head of state visit has been arranged. On the itinerary is an open-top ride through their national park in a traditional moose-drawn carriage. However, security staff have expressed some concerns about this.

  1. “Have you heard of the Sons of the Maple?” asks your security chief, nervously checking behind your desk for hidden assassins. “They’re hard-line Brancalanders who haven’t forgiven Syrupgate and they’ve promised to throw a bucket of syrup over your head. Look, someone as important as you is always going to have enemies, and security is paramount. You should travel only in our own armoured vehicles, and have your safety provided only by our own security services. It’s a dangerous world — you have to be pragmatic.”
  2. “According to the World Census, Brancaland is in the top 5% safest nations in the world,” reassures your Minister for Diplomacy, who is known to be quite ambitious. “You’re as safe within their borders as you are within your own front room. We should show some trust in Brancalandian security arrangements. After that, I think we could boost your international standing if you visited the front lines of war-torn Maxtopia and try to bring some healing to that broken nation.”
  3. “When are you going to learn there’s no place that’s as safe as home?” queries your Minister of Domestic Affairs. “Besides, we’ve got problems enough here for you to deal with. You should cancel all state visits for the foreseeable future, and pledge to remain in Random Chaos, putting your safety as well as the needs of Random Chaosians first.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the recently bereaved have plenty of time to mourn during their incarcerations.

2021-03-01 07:30

Guilt by Association

A former member of your cabinet has just been executed for masterminding a plot to assassinate you and take power. While most are now satisfied that the threat has been dealt with, one particularly paranoid adviser has raised the issue of the deceased’s family.

  1. “These scoundrels are tainted by the crime of their kin,” says one of your fervently loyal ministers, as she shows you information on the family along with their pictures. “Treachery runs in their blood and we must rip it out, root and stem. The only solution is to execute the entire family as well. If you don’t, they will rise up and destroy us in revenge for what we did... It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
  2. “I think executing them is a little bit extreme,” counters your sister as she looks over the documents of the family. “If you’re really that worried about them, you could always just put them in prison. It’s more humane and it keeps potential threats out of the way.”
  3. “Come on, what century are we living in?” inquires your niece as she gently brushes your hair with a pink My Little Horsey hairbrush. “Show some mercy and let them know that they are safe under your regime. This will show you as a merciful and compassionate ruler, and leniency may very well inspire loyalty in them. I’m sure this will alleviate any bitterness they feel about their loved one being killed.”
  4. “I’m not too sure about just letting them carry on with things as normal,” says your perpetually suspicious Secret Police Chief. “Let them think they are in your good books, but keep a close eye on them for the rest of their lives. Constant surveillance will make sure they don’t get up to anything seditious.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a favorite "life hack" for gap year backpackers is to pretend to be homeless for government handouts.

2021-03-01 01:30

Crushed Dreams

Tragically, a homeless Random Chaosian man was crushed to death in a garbage truck’s compactor after falling asleep in a dumpster.

  1. “What we need to do is make it impossible for people to go into dumpsters,” suggests Health and Safety Inspector Matilda Medina, applying plastic table corner guards to your desk. “Make the hatchways too small to go in, and to be on the safe side, train garbage people to check the inside every time.”
  2. “That only treats the symptom, not the cause,” says Steffan Stephenson, Minister of Thinking Outside Boxes, who has spent the night sleeping in a cardboard box to ‘get in touch with my inner outcast’. “How about we simply build more homeless shelters? Give these poor people a warm place to spend the night, a good breakfast, and maybe some financial help getting their life back on track, no questions asked.”
  3. “Look, this was just one guy who realized he was human trash, and committed suicide in a messy way,” complains Garbage Union Rep Asok Burke, who is well known for his garbage opinions. “What about the poor municipal workers who are suffering nightmares now from his thoughtlessness? A better solution would be to let trucks play loud music in the cab, to drown out the hobo screams! We need to protect the mental health of our people!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's reinforced coffee tables are constructed to survive an atomic blast.

2021-02-28 19:30

Furnished for Failure

Recently, there have been many reported incidents of cheaply repaired pieces of furniture falling apart and causing serious injuries, including bruises, cuts and even one case of fatal friction burn. Bandage-covered victims are demanding action!

  1. “Incompetent workers fixed my Hot’n’Heavy Magic Massage Chair the other day and do you know what happened?” yells Sarah Sanchez, charred and covered with third-degree burns. “It thumped me so hard that I got scared, jumped from the chair, tripped on my cat, stumbled into the next room, tripped over a stack of TV Guides, and then fell into my fireplace! Plus the repair guy smelt funny! Clearly, they are responsible and must pay me compensation! Oh, and you should probably regulate the industry more or something, just make sure I get my check by Saturday...”
  2. “That woman was lucky, compared to me,” notes Hugh Andersson from his wheelchair. “I lost both my legs and an eye, the result of someone forgetting a leg to my coffee table. A leg! How does anyone even do that? This industry is clearly extremely dangerous, no amount of regulation can solve that. Ban repairs and restoration altogether and people can instead buy newer and safer stuff. Ending is better than mending!”
  3. “It ain’t our fault if we don’t do our job well, is it?” says blame-shifting cash-in-hand handyman Amadeus Garza, as he improvises a fix to your wobbly desk with duct tape and craft glue. “I mean, we get non-stop calls to fix this and that, so we haven’t got any time for a quality job. The people who make chairs and the like should have done a better job. If you’re going to force standards, then force them on the manufacturers, not us!”
  4. “It’s best if the government butts out and we ‘let the free market run its course’, as the cool kids say,” observes Finn Medina, CEO of plastic-and-fibreboard furniture manufacturer QuickSell and Beyond. “Our products are a bit like a payday loan - you can get them easily and with no hassle, though you might need a new one next month. Just relax these silly safety standards! Then my factories can make and sell more chairs, more people gain employment, we make oodles of profit, and you get heaps of tax money. Everybody wins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, orthopaedics patients often have a bounce in their step.

2021-02-28 13:30

Ups and Downs

Trampoline parks are springing up all over Random Chaos, with legions of playful children of all ages leaping off raised platforms and bouncing off mats. Perhaps predictably, large numbers of injuries are occurring with a multitude of sprained ankles, a not insignificant number of broken limbs, and even a bizarre incident where two amorous braces-wearing teenagers became entangled and required urgent medical intervention.

  1. “One person per trampoline, no talking while jumping, land only on your feet, do not jump between trampolines, wall trampolines are for decorative purposes only, and the company is not liable for any injuries,” recites Abraham Grossweiner, CEO of Twist-and-Scream Jump Park. “That’s what it says in our three minute mandatory induction video, and on the waivers that we make all customers sign, and on the big signs above the steel-spiked climbing wall. We don’t need a nanny state telling people what they can and can’t do, and if people hurt themselves then it’s due to their own carelessness. Trampolining is actually great exercise for kids. In fact, you should subsidise schools who want to incorporate our play parks into their school PE lessons. It’ll be fun and educational! Er... funducational!”
  2. “Nobody is trying to stop kids having fun,” snaps sour-faced parent Debra Nahasapeemapetilon, pinning her four-year-old son’s arms down to stop him touching a nearby balloon. “There just ought to be more stringent regulations of these businesses, and no legal weight to waiving responsibility for children under their care with a disclaimer. Fine them for each injury that occurs under their watch, and our children will be safer.”
  3. “Actually, stopping kids having fun sounds like quite a good idea,” observes algebra teacher Newt Onslaugh, decorating a pile of x hundred-question mathematics test papers with a total of (sin2(x) + cos2(x))(e2ln10)x red crosses. “Maybe if the government banned trampoline parks and replaced them with mathematics activity centres then these idiot children might be able to raise their academic achievement levels a little.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader has declared a weed sticking through a crack in the sidewalk to be the nation's newest green space.

2021-02-28 07:30

Why Didn’t the Gambler Cross the Road?

On a tight schedule, you’re walking from one meeting to another in a building a block away. Just as you reach the intersection you notice quite the commotion as an oncoming car slams into a red-faced gambler on the other side of the street.

  1. “What a coincidence, this is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about,” says ecology professor Ebenezer Kidman, while discreetly sliding an empty animal cage out of view. “Habitat fragmentation, the process of the built environment splitting large areas of habitat into smaller pieces, is a blight that is checkering Random Chaos. When roads are put through habitats, the native animal populations become disjointed and less resilient. You can lose the red-faced gambler in one of these fragments without noticing, but before long, it’s disappeared from 20 or 30 fragments, and become an endangered species. You need to establish wildlife corridors and animal crossings linking green spaces across Random Chaos.”
  2. As you rush to the other side of the road to make the meeting, Khethiwe Rios, host of Animal World, pops out of the bushes in the median. “Our cities have expanded too much. Our entire population could fit in an area half the size of Random Chaos City. If we decreased our urban footprint, the problem would solve itself without having to build a bunch of bridges! Now, I’m sure not everyone will enjoy giving up their suburban McMansions for more modest city apartments, but I think when they see those little red-faced gamblers thriving it will turn their frowns upside down.”
  3. “Both of those solutions seem a bit extreme,” yells real estate developer Rajesh Zaius from his SUV over the din of frustrated motorists now honking at you for blocking the road. “The red-faced gambler is doing fine, this whole thing is unnecessary environmental panic. Real estate in Random Chaos is at a premium already, let’s reduce barriers to development in existing parks and green spaces! Besides, I think the suburban environment is underappreciated habitat, lawns are green after all.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens and the Top 10% for Most Conservative.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, takeaway food bought on the weekend now comes with fifty percent more sweat and tears.

2021-02-28 01:30

Double Down on Double Time?

Turning up one bright Monday morning, you are met with a mob of angry janitors, delivery drivers, security guards and cleaners on strike after legislation for increased weekend pay was defeated for the sixteenth time. Given that all available office space is full of uncollected rubbish and smells faintly of Friday’s lunch, a meeting on the issue has been held at a busy local cafe.

  1. “What do you think they’re striking for?” asks a department office intern and student Bruce Bush, still half asleep from working weekends at a greengrocers. “Fair wages for antisocial hours, that’s what! Do you know how many of us have to sacrifice our free time, our social lives and even our health for the same rate as someone doing a nine-to-five? Big business can afford to pay a bit more, so make them give us night shift and weekend workers extra pay!”
  2. “Having to fork out extra for weekend workers would sink us,” butts in nosy cafe owner Chip Hendrikson, slinging a sweat-soaked dishcloth at his girlfriend so she can take over. “Me and the old gal have to scrimp and save to pay for staff as it is! Tell you what, you lot cut back a bit on all those wage laws for us small businesses and I might even be able to take the old nag out somewhere nice.”
  3. “We never used to rush about like this when I was a young’un,” interjects old-timer Manuel Parke, holding up a queue just to talk to you. “Nowadays no-one seems to have enough time for a cuppa and a chat. Why don’t we go back to the good old days when you only had to work on weekdays, and everything closed at five? That’ll give us all plenty of time to get to know each other properly, like back when I was a nipper.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people who have lived their entire lives in Random Chaos are shocked to discover that they are not citizens.

2021-02-27 19:30

Friends, Random Chaosians, Countrymen, Lend Me Your Ears

After the Citizenship and Immigration Services announced that they received a record number of applicants for naturalization, people have once again begun to debate who should or should not be considered Random Chaosian countrymen.

  1. “Well, blood really decides it all,” claims armchair eugenicist Felicity Andersson. “Without the genes that allowed for such historical greatness, our ancestors could never have built such a fine country. To protect their timeless achievements, we must settle once and for all that a citizen of Random Chaos can only come from ethnically pure parents. Other races cannot pollute our citizenry, lest they undermine the very values that the nation depends upon.”
  2. “Hey, that’s absolutely horrific!” hollers Kirby Garza, a Lilliputian immigrant. “Random Chaos needs to be open to all colors, creeds and cultures that come here to live a better life. Nothing justifies punishing people for having the ‘wrong’ birthplace or family tree. Everyone born in Random Chaos deserves the right for equal treatment! And even if you weren’t born here, it should be easy to join the ranks of your fellow citizens!”
  3. “Anyone hypothetically can become a citizen, but they first need to fully understand our way of life,” remarks civics teacher Rey Medina. “If you’re not ready to learn the values that are the bedrock of Random Chaos, you’ve got no business being part of our Free Land. That means memorizing all forty verses of the national anthem and being able to list all 1,024 cantons in alphabetical order, like any true citizen of Random Chaos can. Only those who pass a stringent exam can prove themselves to be true Random Chaosians.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, diabetics find the contents of their medications hard to stomach.

2021-02-27 13:30

A Cure for the Black Market

A recent flu epidemic that side-lined half your government was made worse when it was discovered the medication taken for it was fake.

  1. “This is a huge problem,” sighs Wil Kelly, your Chief Customs Officer, as he wipes his brow for the umpteenth time. “Nearly all of the counterfeit medicine in The Hatrackia is produced in Dàguó. Their criminal gangs are producing copious amounts of every type of medication available. Sure, we do intercept some of it, but we’re only seizing the tip of the iceberg. The customs department needs more officers and modern, state-of-the-art equipment if we’re to stop this illegal trade.”
  2. “The problem IS the customs department!” exclaims Bruno Rhee, an ex-trafficker turned informant, speaking with a masked voice and with his face obscured from vision. “These Dàguó gangs aren’t just filling the occasional container with fake drugs; they’re filling entire container ships! That’s millions of chips in one shipload. How do you think an entire ship gets cleared at customs? A complete overhaul of customs staff is what you need.”
  3. “The black market only exists because of the demand for ‘unofficial’ drugs,” states Hermione Yates, who sells bottles of medication with handwritten labels from her market stall. “My customers are all poor, working-class people - they simply can’t afford Big Pharma’s price tag. You government fellas should be encouraging a more open market, and stop going after honest traders like myself. Now, I heard you might be interested in a few x-ray machines. I’ve got a mate, who’s got a mate, who’s got a mate who can help you out there. The instruction book is all in some foreign lingo, but I’m sure you can figure it out.”
  4. “You know, with the placebo effect, even fake medications can be quite efficacious,” observes Mario Ephron, your scientific advisor. “Most treatments, real or fake, mostly work because patients believe in them. You could save a lot of money through a press release which states that a Random Chaosian scientist has invented a miraculous, one-pill-cures-all wonder drug. It’ll be cheap to produce as the main ingredients are only sugar and water. It will also stop the illegal trade of counterfeit medication, as demand will cease. What could possibly go wrong?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a weakened police force struggles to maintain law and order.

2021-02-27 07:30

Police Too Pushy?

A group of ‘concerned compatriots’ (Citizens Raging Against the Police) have protested against the enormous numbers of police officers enforcing the law on their daily lives.

  1. “I’m constantly surrounded by over-zealous policemen!” deplores Hercules Zukerburg, a spokesperson for the group. “Just last week I was arrested for letting my baby cry too loudly in public! This is ridiculous! The government needs to cut back the police force and let citizens get on with their lives without interference! If that means allowing muggers, thieves, burglars, pickpockets, murderers and all the rest to not have coppers breathing down the back of their necks constantly then so be it! This really is too much!”
  2. “You can’t listen to what they’re saying!” gasps Police Chief May Fitzgerald, horrified. “These nuts would have us living in utter anarchy! If some robbers suddenly decide to break into a shop and steal everything, what’s the owner going to do? What could anyone do without a well-funded police force? There has to be justice and law or we’d be nothing better than a bunch of savages. Stick to your guns, I say, and let me arrest these subversives - people need to be taught to show some respect!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no animal is considered endangered if there's another that looks kind of like it.

2021-02-27 01:30

Gamblers Breed Contempt

A legal battle is raging between the Random Chaos Department of Life, The Universe, and Environment and Kay Rumble Property Development Group. While surveying for a luxury condominium complex, a rare gambler subspecies, the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark gambler, was found traipsing around the proposed build site, potentially holding up construction.

  1. “I’m all for protecting truly endangered animals,” grumbles Harley Tate, the head of the housing firm, “but you can’t walk ten feet in Random Chaos without tripping over a gambler. So what if these particular ones have a different spot on their underbellies or whatever? I’m trying to build houses for people — your people — and I keep running into red tape because of these damn hippies! We need to loosen these protection laws so I can get on with my job.”
  2. “But the three-striped, er... or was it four-toed gambler, is truly unique!” squeals Ludwig Chatwin, a noted environmentalist, while nursing a baby gambler. “This subspecies is rare enough without these greedy opportunists destroying the only habitat they have left. These poor darlings need our protection. If an endangered species, subspecies, or genetically diverse population has been spotted, no form of molestation or habitat destruction should be allowed.”
  3. “With all due respect, you’re huffing and puffing over a truly simple matter,” chastens Samus Hyde, an amateur carpenter, while patting your shoulder gently. “We don’t need to drive these creatures nor land-development to extinction. If we require developers create new habitat to replace whatever endangered populations they destroy, then everybody wins, don’t they? I’m sure the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark gambler will adapt just fine to their new, man-made habitats.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government reports are now used to teach toddlers to read.

2021-02-26 19:30

Syntax Destruction

Your Minister for the Treasury, Allen Redbridge, has come under fire as market analysts and journalists complain that his predictions about the future of Random Chaos’s economy are vague to the point of uselessness. His detractors are dubbing his avoidance of clear statements ‘Syntax Destruction’: the presentation of extremely long and obfuscated reports that have little real content.

  1. “I shouldn’t have to spend hours poring over reams of government documents for just one story!” complains Marlon Smetana, reporter for the Random Chaosian Enquirer, slamming a large stack of papers onto your desk. “Look at this! One thousand nine hundred eighty-four pages! What Minister Redbridge is doing is dishonest and despicable. You need to force him and those like him to use plain language and get to the point, so that the common people of Random Chaos will be able to decipher what’s going on in the government.”
  2. “It has been demonstrated,” Minister Allen Redbridge replies during an interview, “that markets affect an unexpected multitude of industries at even the slightest suspicion of an impending perturbation. Thus, it behooves those knowledgeable in its idiosyncrasies to uphold their responsibilities in defending such precipitous gateways to knowledge, and acting in such a manner of least reaction, to satisfy their due diligence to avoid creating a condition which could potentially upset the precarious balance between bears and bulls, be they platitudes, or omissions. Indeed, one who acts in contravention to the aforementioned manner also acts against their own best interests, and thereby undermines status as well as dispels their cloak of competence. Such a transgressor shall be dismissed by the knowledgeable majority, of course, thus not necessitating any external provocation.”
  3. “Spoken or written words, delivered on matters of policy by person or persons within the government, hereafter referred to as a government commentary, constitute a legal statement,” explains prominent lawyer Sigourney Blofeld. “It is my professional opinion that a government commentary should use only legal terminology to ensure clarity of meaning.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young people devote their entire lives to the faith.

2021-02-26 13:30

Death Doesn’t Discriminate

The working population has become more difficult to sustain since many laborers have been selected for the rite of human sacrifice.

  1. “Only the elderly must be sacrificed,” claims Freddy Scully, keeping vigil at his grandfather’s deathbed. “Our elders have lived full lives and know the path to righteousness. Why not end their lives in a sacred way? They could rest in peace, and we’d no longer have to kill the working folk. It’s an efficient and humane approach.”
  2. “I’m sure the gods wouldn’t appreciate withered, elderly sacrifices,” argues 55-year-old professor Lisa Barber. “You should instead encourage parents to give their fatally sick or otherwise unwanted children to our cause. You should also let hospitals perform ritual abortions, while you’re at it.”
  3. “We don’t need to sacrifice any Random Chaosians when we could, ahem, ‘capture’ people from our neighboring countries,” schemes Dr. Leo Cortisol, your underhanded Minister of Underhanded Solutions, who you don’t recall hiring. “No one cares about them anyway. Everyone’s gotta go some time!”
  4. “It is not our place to say when a person must be killed,” says Salvatore Golightly, whose ancestors hail from the pious nation of Savoiia. “If our children or our elders were truly meant to die for a deity, then let the deity kill them, not us! This inhumane and unholy bloodshed must end, and all ritual sacrifice should be outlawed.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, high-income earners pay a 100% tax rate.

2021-02-26 07:30

Citizens Struggle Under “Unfair” Tax Burden

A recent poll has revealed high levels of dissatisfaction among the populace about tax rates.

  1. “Do you know how much of my year’s work goes to the government?” demands angry worker Cassidy Rivera. “Too much! Government spending has gotten way out of control. It needs big cuts in welfare, health, and education. But leave those subsidies to business alone. We need them to create jobs.”
  2. “It’s not the AMOUNT of tax, it’s where the burden falls,” says student activist Hamlet Zimmer. “And at the moment, far too much of the burden is falling on the poor. People on high incomes still have more money than people on low incomes. I don’t think I need to say anything more than that.”
  3. “I don’t object to the amount of tax, I object to where it’s being spent,” says social reformer Marina Fields. “I’d like to see everyone have a choice as to where their chips go every time they fill out a tax return. Everyone would feel a lot better about opening their wallets if they had a say as to where the money went. I think you’d see a lot more public money going to education and a lot less to business.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Automobile Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only the fast and the furious are brave enough to drive.

2021-02-26 01:30

The Road to Hell

Your impatient and inattentive niece has, somehow, passed her driving test. With the roads of Random Chaos now feeling less safe than ever before, your family has come together over a celebratory dinner to discuss this matter in equal amounts of jubilation and trepidation.

  1. “What idiot passed her?” bemoans your sister, in a voice laden with maternal protectiveness. “I drove her to the test centre and saw everything. Her test had barely begun, when she had to consider a group of young school children crossing the street. She honked at them so furiously that they had to run to get across the road. Then, she took off so fast that she drove straight into a brick wall. Yet she still passed her test! Leader, you must standardise driving examinations and test the examiners themselves against the same standards. Then there’ll be less people like my daughter on the roads.”
  2. “Mum, that’s so not fair!” squeals your niece. “Those school kids were like, deliberately walking slowly — wasting my time on purpose — I have a right to make them move more quickly. And like, what a dumb place to put a wall: right in front of a prison of all places! Anyway, the examiner, Khethelo, was like really cool; it turned out that we went to the same school and we had a really good gossip about Mr. Reyes, our old Maths teacher. In his opinion, if there were ‘other reasons’ to pass me, then his professional judgement must be accepted. I have my license now, fair and square, kind of!”
  3. “My little niece has a license now? That’s so cool!” exclaims your brother, who is your niece’s favourite uncle. “Hey girl, leave these squares to finish their dinner by themselves. Let’s go for a spin in my car, you can drive, show me how you passed your test! In fact, we should show that sibling of mine that the government should do away with licenses altogether; learning by doing is always the best teacher!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Bigtopian relations have become a minefield.

2021-02-25 19:30

A Blast From the Past

A teacher and four schoolchildren were killed on a field trip in a remote region of Random Chaos after an old anti-personnel mine was accidentally detonated. The landmines - relics of the nation’s previous wars - have taken the lives of many over the years.

  1. “You can see how important demining is, no?” asks Anna Graves, the CEO of Remove Landmine, an obscure private enterprise based in Bigtopia. “We clear Random Chaos of landmines for small price. No need to worry that forests obstruct progress; we remove them too, in big proud explosions. Bigtopian strength!”
  2. “Not the Bigtopians!” screeches Doug Mulcair, fierce patriot and even fiercer guerilla fighter, jumping out of a filing cabinet and tackling the Bigtopian businessperson to the ground. “When the Bigtopian warmongers attacked, we were forced to deploy landmines. Now they have the cheek to try and profiteer from our misery! We should seize all Bigtopian assets and use them to set up a demining fund instead!”
  3. “I’ve got an idea!” suggests Kendall Tano, Minister of Education and part-time comedian, trying to stifle her laughter. “Why don’t we teach students proper demining techniques? I’m sure that it’s going to be useful in their everyday lives... somehow. Anyway, it should prevent such an incident from ever occurring again.”
  4. “Actually, we don’t need any of that,” explains Peter Cesternino, an Army Logistics Supervisor, examining a map of Random Chaos. “Since we were the ones who planted the mines, we could dig up some old documents on how to retrieve them. While it may be more costly than just purposefully detonating all of them, we should be able to reuse any functional ones that we come across. Although some of them might not work as well as newly-made weapons, this would provide a well-needed boost to our military stockpile.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, morale within the seismologist community has hit rock bottom.

2021-02-25 13:30

All Shook Up

Thousands of people were forcibly evacuated from a small town in North Random Chaos because of a predicted earthquake... which did not arrive. Weeks later, displaced residents are irate at the inconvenience.

  1. Dressed in several-day-old pajamas, angry retiree Eve Khan clambers over security to reach your desk. “I fled my home to avoid an earthquake, and I had to live in my sister-in-law’s house for weeks! I hate my sister-in-law! I demand an end to mandatory evacuations, and that the so-called ‘scientists’ be fined for making terrible predictions!”
  2. “It’s not our fault,” sighs bedraggled geologist Rebecca Rios, pushing her glasses back onto her nose. “The problem is that we’re poorly funded and under-equipped. All we can do is make best guesses most of the time, and that’s to predict big aftershocks after small earthquakes. What we need is a grid of networked seismographs at one-mile intervals all across Random Chaos, higher wages to attract the best and brightest into seismology, and warning klaxons to tell people when to evacuate. Why, we’ll be able to predict earthquakes just seconds after they happen!”
  3. “I knew I shouldn’t have gone out of the house today!” cries full-time worrier Penny Zaius, adjusting a tight-fitting home-made protective bubble-wrap bodysuit. “If an earthquake was predicted but didn’t happen, who is to say it isn’t on its way? That town should never have been built in such an area of risk of quakes! We need to make sure all our population centers are in areas with no risk of earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, volcanoes, and landslides. I’m sure everyone would appreciate being safer!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, raindances intended to summon storms instead attract tourists.

2021-02-25 07:30

Not a Drop to Drink

Random Chaos has been hit with the worst drought in a hundred years; as a result, thirsty citizens and a growing number of brown lawns are pleading for a government response.

  1. “We have no choice but to ration water,” says Michelle Ford, Chief of the Random Chaos City Department of Public Works. “We can’t afford to let what little water we have slip through our fingers. We must clamp down on how much water each person is allowed to use. If our more wasteful citizens complain because they’ll have to actually think about how much water they pour down the drain, all the better for the rest of us.”
  2. “You think too small,” sighs Foreign Secretary Tiberius McCarthy, between sips from a sparkling bottle of gourmet dihydrogen monoxide. “Random Chaos may be short on water, but the rest of The Hatrackia has water to spare! Why not just import the water from abroad? Sure, it’ll cost money, but what’s worth more to the people of Random Chaos, a little tax money or their most basic physical needs? Our neighbors wouldn’t dream of cutting off the water, right?”
  3. “This drought is a warning sign sent by our Creator!” shouts a strangely familiar-looking man who has just walked in from the desert clad in camel hair and sandals. “If this nation will only turn from its wicked ways and hearken unto our God, surely He shall grace us with water once more!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Conservative.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the sanitised and dull music festivals of Random Chaos are famed for their reasonable volume levels.

2021-02-25 01:30

Chips, Drugs, and Rock’n’Roll

A group of surprisingly hip and mellow businessmen have meandered over to your office, with paperwork to propose Gamblerfest, a celebration of music, dance and good times that will incidentally make them a truckload of money. They see your nation not only as the new stomping grounds for this annual music festival, but also as a place that could be seen as being friendly to festival culture in general, welcoming the dread-locked (and sometimes nude) bear-dancing nomads, with their mind-altering substances, groovy music and economy-stimulating disposable incomes.

  1. “This festeroo is gonna be groovy, man!” croons Eve Fernandez, famous lead guitarist of Grateful Floyd. “I can’t wait to transcend the minds of all that watch me, man! My guitar just may steal your face right off your head, stick it on a rock-rocket and then set the controls for the heart of the sun! Ya know, man?! Leader, you can even jam with us if you give us the space for this festival!”
  2. “I don’t know about this!” worries Rex Martin, an angry old man. “These darn hippies want to be flooding my town with their drug paraphernalia, their smelly bodies, their electronical guitars and their ‘popping’ music! Keep these drug-fueled, fried-egg-brained layabouts out of our great nation! Say no to drugs! Say no to subversive drug music! Say no to young people!”
  3. “How about we have the festival, but supply enough police presence to keep the drugs out?” asks Peggy Smetana, a former weed-smoking spiritualist turned substance-abuse counsellor. “We can have our police force monitor the festival, and maybe also have an anti-drug awareness campaign working the festival, and some consultation work to minimise local disruption and environmental impact. We can have a good time and keep the drugs away... It’s all about the music, isn’t it?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tax evaders are regularly visited by agents of the Random Chaos Blood Tithe.

2021-02-24 19:30

Taxpayers on Strike!

The latest budget reports have marked a steady decline in Random Chaos’s monthly income. A study initiated by your treasurers has revealed that many of your nation’s citizens are not paying their taxes.

  1. “Damn right we’re not!” exclaims Michael Krustofsky, one of many citizens protesting in front of your office. “Your oppressively high taxes are picking our pockets and robbing us of our livelihood. No more, we say! The government may call us tax cheats, but that’s just because it’s afraid to call us the PATRIOTS that we are! Cut the tax rate, and we’ll think about paying again.”
  2. “Random Chaos can’t survive when people don’t pay their taxes!” retorts Sonequa Ross, the head of Random Chaos’s Revenue Bureau. “Citizens may feel that they need to keep all of their chips, but the government needs it too! Without taxation, how can we build roads, schools and hospitals? How can we protect the people from themselves? We need to give the police broad powers to lay down the law on these tax-evading scum until they pay up.”
  3. “Scum is such a harsh word. Everyone has something worthwhile to contribute, as my mother always said,” says Ayla Adams, controversial social theorist and fountain of homespun folk wisdom. “Even if they won’t pay their taxes, folks ought to have other ways to pay back into society. They could spend some time with the civil service or military reserve, for example. And goodness knows, blood and organ donation rates aren’t as high as they could be. A pint of blood or a good kidney ought to pay a tax bill right proper.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, water fights now end with thousands dead.

2021-02-24 13:30

Up the Creek

One of the longest rivers in Random Chaos is also a major shipping lane in The Hatrackia. Bigtopia, a downstream nation, has unveiled its plans to dam this river, prohibiting any ships from travelling further upstream and beyond its waters.

  1. “Bigtopia obviously has some problems that it’s trying to address by constructing a dam,” points out your Minister for Solutions, Revo Gnidneb. “Let’s offer the Bigtopians solutions to their problems so that they won’t have to build anything. I heard they want a dam to generate power. Let’s just sell them lots of cheap electricity. Maybe the Bigtopians want a dam to supply themselves with water. Random Chaos can supply them with water instead. Whatever it takes to change their minds, let’s do it! It’ll be worth it if our trade routes remain open.”
  2. “The lifeblood of my people is at stake!” cries the ambassador from an upstream landlocked country. “My country’s only access to the sea is through that river! If that damned dam gets built, cargo ships would be unable to travel to and from my nation! Bigtopia won’t listen to our pleas. What do you say we and the other upstream countries gather an army and blow those asshats out of the water?”
  3. “Oh, cry me a river,” advises Ming Grant, a civil engineer, whilst pulling out a map. “We can just build a new canal connecting our portion of the river to the sea.” He draws on the map with a marker. “This could be the route. If we give grants to nearby inland towns, they could expand out to the banks of the canal and become port cities! Sure, the proposed route runs through land that isn’t owned by our government, but that’s what diplomacy and money are for! It’s a win-win-win!”
  4. “Our cities will be dead in the water,” laments the Minister of Transportation. “But we have an opportunity here. Since we no longer can rely on our river, we finally have good reason to improve our transport infrastructure. We can have new railway lines, and... new upgrades to our highways! And new airports! And a rolling highway! A rolling highway would be cool!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, interest in globalism never flags.

2021-02-24 07:30

Patriotism Flagging

One afternoon, while taking a stroll through one of Random Chaos City’s more diverse neighborhoods, you notice that many houses are adorned by flags. However, they are all national flags of foreign countries, and not one house is flying the Random Chaosian flag.

  1. “Imagine the disrespect it must take to do something like this,” resents Lucina Larkin, your bodyguard, while pacing up and down the sidewalk. “We are being generous enough to allow these people into our country, and they can’t even show their support by flying our flag? Despicable. You must ban the flying of any foreign national flag, and mandate that every Random Chaosian graces their house with our great flag, the larger the better! This will show that their true allegiance is to our great Free Land.”
  2. One of the residents, whose house is flying a Bigtopian flag, steps outside and joins in. “Just because I have a different flag, it doesn’t mean I don’t love Random Chaos. Bigtopia will always have a special place in my heart; it’s where I was born and raised. Rather than cracking down on foreign flags, we need to celebrate them. You should hold a flag parade showcasing the many ethnic communities that make up Random Chaos; it’s diversity at its finest!”
  3. “I’m telling you, it’s those darn immigrants,” quips Sancho Ryan, your paranoid Minister of the Homeland, who’s twitching and itching his hands furiously. “Without those folks here, we’d be much better off. You must stop any new people from entering our great nation and kick out the ones already here. Then, we’d be pure at last.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Primitive.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, members of majority races are forced out of their homes to make way for Bigtopians.

2021-02-24 01:30

Bigtopian Protesters Cry for Full Integration

Bigtopian activists have staged a sit-in at the largest primary school in Random Chaos bringing education to a halt in a bid for integration and tolerance.

  1. “You know... it’s not that we don’t let them in... it’s that they don’t apply,” murmurs Principal Roger Ponta, coughing nervously. “I mean, yeah, sure, if these Bigtopians lived around here... uh... we’d let them into the school. But... you know... this isn’t exactly a Bigtopian community, you know? So... uh... could you please put a stop to these protestors? Oh, and, uh...” Here he leans forward and whispers. “... make sure those creepy Bigtopian protestors don’t show up at my school again, okay?”
  2. “The time has come for the dream of equality to be realized!” shouts noted Bigtopian rights activist Rosalia Wheeler, slamming a fist against your desk. “I see Lilliputians, Tasmanians, and Lord knows how many East Lebatuckese keeping my Bigtopian brothers holed away in their prisons of blindness and ethnic apartheid! The time has come for full integration! If these schools are going to keep us out, I say it’s time we were bussed in!”
  3. “Well, that’s all well and good, but it ain’t well and good enough!” screams Agnes Doe, leader of Bigtopians Rising Against Totalitarianist Scum, slamming a black-gloved fist against the podium during a recent pep rally. “We ain’t just bein’ kept out of their schools; we’re bein’ kept out of their neighborhoods! The oppressive majority fears us, but they can’t hold us back any longer! The government needs to integrate the community as a whole by pushing out the majority and making way for a very loud, very angry minority!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, army uniforms are replaced en masse to accommodate adult soldiers.

2021-02-23 19:30

No Child Left Behind Enemy Lines

A tear-stained petition crosses your desk, signed by a newly-formed coalition of parents whose school-age children have been killed in action. They demand you revisit the nation’s policy on minors in the military.

  1. “It’s barbaric that we have children in the military!” sobs bereaved father Dirk Huffington. “Why do we put our little ones in harm’s way? There must be a better way to keep this country safe. I’d gladly go to the front lines instead, if it meant my children’s safety. Our kids should be in school, not the workplace and definitely not the army.”
  2. “We really need that child labor to keep the military running smoothly,” concludes auditor Richard Phillips after reviewing the budget for the thousandth time, “but they don’t necessarily need to be frontline infantry. In order to console parents, we could restrict children under the age of majority to non-combat roles such as maintenance and cooking. That sounds like a fair compromise to me.”
  3. “It’s not our vertically-challenged recruits that are the problem; it’s the guns!” bellows Quartermaster Sergeant Yolanda Weatherhead. “They’re too big for our pint-sized patriots. What we need are appropriately-sized weapons to outfit the army. It might not protect the grunts in combat, but at least they’ll take a few more Bigtopians with them when they go. Shoot, we could even export the miniature weapons - turn ourselves a profit while we’re at it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, meetings are often scheduled for "about four-ish" following complete conversion to sundials.

2021-02-23 13:30

A Switch in Time Kills Nine

A tragic train derailment recently resulted in the untimely death of nine people. Investigators have noted that the accident occurred the morning after daylight saving time went into effect, and concluded that it was likely due to conductor fatigue from the time change. You’ve shifted your schedule by an hour to discuss the matter.

  1. “It’s high time we made a change,” declares somnologist Dr. Van Winkle, pouring himself a second cup of coffee. “The fact is, our work days are no longer slaves to the sun and moon, and so our body clocks shouldn’t be either. The interruption of circadian rhythm and resultant accident risk are demonstrably deadly. Make this change, and you’ll be a legend in your own time.”
  2. “Once again, our ancestors were ahead of their time,” proclaims Arnold Wolfe, a patchouli-scented, bushy-bearded historian. “The future of Random Chaos is sundials, and they should be the only clocks our nation uses! We’ll always be in harmony with the natural beat of the sun and our inherent sleep rhythms, no matter what our specific space-time location is. Yes, slight differences in each city’s clocks might make train timetables and computers and such trivialities a little bit useless, but isn’t synchronicity with the universe more important than an artificial obsession with seconds and minutes?”
  3. “No! Not the railways!” gasps your Minister of the Environment and amateur ferroequinologist George W. Duras, who is currently wearing a worn-out conductor’s hat. “Look, I hate to derail this whole train of thought, but daylight saving is not only a cultural part of what makes us Random Chaosian, it also holds a valuable role in energy conservation. With it in place, Random Chaosians use less lighting during summer evenings and less heat during winter mornings. You should not only keep it, you should also make sure that all who do business in Random Chaos are compliant with it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government regularly reassures citizens that there are no monsters under their beds.

2021-02-23 07:30

Demonic Possession Getting You Down?

Reports that more and more Random Chaosians are seeking exorcisms for being possessed by evil spirits are fuelling rumours of an impending apocalypse.

  1. “What absolute hokum!” asserts famous sceptic Prudence Powell, shaking her head in disbelief. “All these people who claim to be possessed are attention-seeking drama-queens. Demonic possession is not real. We need a public information campaign which states that demons are imaginary, the apocalypse isn’t coming and everyone should just calm down.”
  2. “DEMON! I’m going to need some help here,” screams exorcist George W. Wickwire, as he begins sprinkling her with holy water. As his baffled assistants take over pinning her down, he turns to you. “My congregation alone has thousands of citizens and they all claim to be possessed. I can’t administer exorcisms to all these people all by myself. The government needs to set-up a massive recruitment drive for all the remaining non-possessed citizens to become exorcists and fast-track their exorcism training.”
  3. “The hour of damnation is at hand!” shouts Monk de Wally de Honk, a doomsday ‘prophet’ who frequently changes his forecast of the date of the apocalypse. “I have studied the words of holy books and the stars, and Random Chaos doesn’t have much time! I implore you to move those remaining souls who aren’t possessed to safe, remote, and unaffected areas of the nation. The purity and isolation of the land shall keep us safe!”
  4. Finally, a man dressed in a dark suit and holding a pile of contracts seems to appear out of nowhere. “I am from the law firm Horace, Edward, Logan and Lee. My client has instructed me to inform you that there is only one way to save the Random Chaosian people from this calamity. Tell all of them to sign these contracts, then my client shall transport them all to a place far away from the imminent catastrophe. There’s nothing to be suspicious about, my client is a reasonable fellow.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaos City Prison Revue puts on a better stage show than anything in the Theatre District.

2021-02-23 06:00

Don’t Be a Busk-Kill

A recent video shoot of newly sworn-in cabinet ministers being broadcast on live TV was disrupted by an enthusiastic but loud vuvuzela-player busking nearby. Most viewers reported they couldn’t hear a word being spoken over the noise. This incident has raised some smiles, but also sparked a debate over busking in general.

  1. “NOISY PESTS!” yells inner city resident Newt Armstrong, straight into your left ear from just two feet away. “While I’m trying to get my beauty sleep at 3 in the afternoon, I’m being disturbed by moronic musicians, talentless thespians and hopeless harlequins! They’re just beggars, but with added irritation and noise. Ban busking! Lock up these feckless fools!”
  2. “Eish! Em not justa musician, mos,” protests Jabulani Gennaro, the busker in question, “Em a one-man entertainment experience, with Hlokoloza dancing for the bokkies an’ gooses, crazy naartjie juggling and even face painting for the laaities! Surely busking adds a bit a music and colour to life, nè? The government should pay buskers to be on every street. Let’s make everyone’s life happier now now!”
  3. “I know a way we could make both sides happy,” remarks your Minister for Fine Arts, Ariel Mendez, pressing play on her cassette of patriotic anthems to create the right mood. “We could introduce national performance licenses, and only allow public performance by those who have attained a certain standard. As a nice side effect, this will let us make sure that our nation’s culture is both highbrow and patriotic.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, governments opposing Random Chaos are beset by rebels.

2021-02-22 19:30

Out of the Royal Frying Pan

The international community rejoiced this year as the people of Marche Noire overthrew the country’s oppressive monarchy... only to elect an aggressively anti-Random Chaosian leader.

  1. “We have to do something drastic,” schemes General Bodhi Kennett whilst lining up a row of dominoes. “Marche Noire is angry that we trained the old regime’s secret police, and now they’re letting the peasants divvy up the plantations. That threatens our business interests, and it could even inspire revolutions in some of our allies. I say we covertly support Marche Noirian rebels to reinstate King Zog. The alternative is an ever-growing bloc of socialist powers, which will doom us in the long run.” The general topples the first domino, beginning a chain reaction.
  2. “Now, let’s not get carried away,” counsels Foreign Minister Cho Rice with her pet kitten in lap. “There’s more than one way to skin a cat, you know. For instance, we could simply put an embargo or ten on Marche Noire until it elects a cooperative prime minister. Half the country drives Marche Noirian cars; a trade sanction would cripple them. That way we can show our opposition to communist jingoism without sacrificing Random Chaosian lives.”
  3. “No way, man!” rebuts Lucas Yew, world-renowned professional skateboarder and incorrigible optimist. “Military intervention and trade sanctions are just going to make Marche Noire, like, more mad at us! Those kids in Marche Noire love me. If you send me and some of my fellow skaters over there, I’m sure we can work this whole thing out with, like, diplomacy and stuff.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the entire entry for Random Chaos in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the World reads 'mostly harmless'.

2021-02-22 13:30

Size Matters

Historically, the broad international consensus has always been to use the Maxcator Projection to depict the world on flat maps. The downside is that this projection makes Random Chaos look disproportionately small, as well as tucking it away on the edge of the map. After a recent TV drama made this a hot topic, disgruntled patriots are pressing you for a government stance on this.

  1. “An international standard is good for international trade and communication,” explains Darya Sandler, director of a bulk exporter specialising in beige sofas and magnolia paint. “We should therefore be encouraging standardisation. I urge you to endorse the Maxcator Projection as the official choice, bringing us in line with the reasonable majority of nations. This will show the world that we’re a nice, inoffensive, conformist nation - the sort of nation that they can do business with.”
  2. “Random Chaos is at the centre of the world culturally and economically,” observes Random Chaosian Geographic Society president Ingmar Aran, tearing up a little as he salutes the flag. “Thus we should be at the centre of the map. Ban the Maxcator Projection in our schools and businesses, and have them use THIS map instead. I call it the Leader View. A proud map, for a proud nation!”
  3. “It’s totally true that changing maps changes perceptions, but you can’t get caught up in toxic patriotism,” argues walking cliché hippy environmentalist Moana Gates, as she braids beads into her hair and leans a guitar covered with painted flower patterns against your desk. “If you want people to see the world without political distortions or man-made borders, then you need globes. Send globes to every classroom in every school, and teach children that they are citizens of the planet. Dude, this isn’t a game of nation states; it’s a world commune of pan-humanity.”
  4. “The world? The world that matters ends at our national borders!” proclaims a cigar-smoking man in the shadows. “You should be encouraging people to stay at home and to work for our nation, not to worry about foreign lands. You must only allow the publication of maps up to our national borders. In fact, stop our citizens leaving the country at all: if they never see the outside world, they won’t worry why others have things that they don’t.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ports have ground to a halt as no boat can reach them without trespassing.

2021-02-22 07:30

Nothing Fishy

Due to the recent popularity of Beards of Fishermen Magazine, Random Chaosians have decided to buy their own offshore fishing boats in droves. Based on the number of fishing permit applications, the Random Chaosian Fish and Game Department has suggested that dividing a reasonable quota equally between requesting boats would mean each would be allowed to catch no more than seventeen fish each year.

  1. “The problem is capitalism,” opines noted socialist Aziz Bishop, who also blamed a recent stubbed toe on capitalism. “The state must take over the fishing industry entirely. Then the optimal fleet size and optimal fish catch for each boat can be determined by the state yearly according to the fish populations. It would also mean we’d spend less on quota enforcement because any boat which wasn’t state-owned would be clearly illegal.”
  2. “The problem is government interventionism,” states noted libertarian Felicity Hadfield, who also blamed a recent hangnail on the government. “Let’s end this socialism of the sea! The government must sell its ownership of offshore waters to private entities. It will then be the property owners’ responsibility to determine who fishes, how much, and how enforcement is done. Don’t worry about sustainability; it will be in the property owners’ interest to make sure fishing continues in the long term.”
  3. “No, the problem here is these extreme positions,” notes Kim Nguyen, author of recent bestseller Fishanomics. “You just need to auction off a limited number of permits for a share of the total fish catch each year. The invisible hand of government-regulated capitalism will assure the optimal number of boats run only by the most efficient crew will do the fishing at the perfect permit price.”
  4. “I have ah simplah solution than all that,” interjects Renee Trax, an eccentric, salt of the sea boat repairer. “The problem is that modern technology has made commercial fishin’ as easy as, well, shootin’ fish in ah barrel. Get rid of the quota system and instead force all fishin’ to be done with old fashioned methods, and sail boats, and folk wisdom. Those hipstah fishahmen won’t catch a thing and enforcement will be much cheapah than it evah was for any quota system.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tie-dye has been outlawed for being 'too occult'.

2021-02-22 01:30

Possession, Protection or Poppycock?

After tarot cards and a Ouija-board were found in the dormitory of three teenage girls who committed suicide, paranormal objects and occult rites have become the center of a heated debate on the rising popularity of New Age spirituality.

  1. “Obviously these girls killed themselves because they lost their spiritual war with the demons they thought fun to summon,” muses Boris Watson, notorious street preacher and self-taught exorcist. “Although, I don’t blame them for being attracted to the occult, no, everyone needs spirituality. Our children just need the proper guidance, so they stay clear of the dangerous forms. The easiest way to ensure that is, of course, you banning everything that has any link with the New Age. That’ll keep those demons out. Or is it in? Anyways, ban it!”
  2. “Please don’t listen to this traditional sorry-soul,” pontificates Deborah Dihmonghali, self-proclaimed goddess and yoga-instructor, pausing briefly from transcending space and time. “Certainly there are some bad spirits out there, but you can’t beat them by robbing us of all our spiritual weapons. Instead, you should subsidize their production and make half-yearly visits to a spiritual advisor compulsory for everyone. Only then will your citizens be pure and strong enough to repel the forces of evil and remain in the light.”
  3. “Possession? Are you serious?” queries Harriet Dax, your unbearably uptight Minister of Conventional Solutions, while closing your curtains so as to not let the sunshine in. “These girls clearly had some issues, but not of the demonic kind. Depressed teenagers need to be dealt with through education and our health system, not through ‘channeling’, dirty bacchanals or waiting for Jupiter to align with Mars. Funky New Age spirituality only makes these things worse, especially for sensitive youngsters. To prevent this kind of thing in the future, we must increase mental health spending and set a minimum age on alternative religion.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, funding for education has been redirected into the military.

2021-02-21 20:00

Hukd on Fonix Workd 4 Me!

Random Chaos has a developing problem with poor literacy rates among 12-18 year olds, which many parents and teachers blame on the current state of the education system and lack of government funding.

  1. Boot Camp instructor Reginald Fforde stated: “Who gives a damn? Makes ‘em easier to turn into brainwashed grunts anyhow! You don’t need to be able to read in order to fire a gun! What we need to do is focus on our military spending - what does it matter if you can read or not when you’re overrun by warmongering barbarians?”
  2. On the other side, there’s Random Chaos’s Education Administrator. “This is shocking news. If the children of tomorrow cannot read, then what? Next thing you know, we will be speaking with contractions! The government must devote more efforts to education! Where will we be twenty years from now with an overflow of unskilled labor?”
  3. Yasmin Martinez, principal of a highly-rated private school, prefers a different approach. “Instead of that, why not issue government vouchers so that parents can afford to send their children to privately run schools? We offer a far better education than the public schools. All we do is grind our particular religious views into our students!”
  4. “Who needs some fancy-schmancy cash-draining school system, anyway?” Cortana Smit declares from the front steps of a double-wide mobile home, shotgun in hand. “My Pa raised me and my eight brothers and three sisters without no waste of time schoolin’! My Pa taught me everythin’ I need t’know, let all these whippersnappers’ Mas and Pas teach ‘em what they need t’know!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is telling wizards to put their heart into their work.

2021-02-21 13:30

The Magic’s Gone

The government’s stance endorsing the practice of magic and sorcery has always raised some eyebrows amongst world leaders. Now it seems that spells that ought to work are not giving repeatable results, and sometimes don’t seem to do anything at all. A cabal of five magi have come to advise you on the reasons for these sorcerous failings.

  1. “Magic ebbs and flows like the tide. Today, a spell fails — tomorrow, it succeeds beyond your expectations,” explains Magical Headmaster Godric Elminster. “If you encounter setbacks, you keep your chin up and march on. Have a little faith in the High Art, and in the powers of magic that exist invisibly all around us.”
  2. “Hold on, maybe we need to be more active in looking for an answer,” suggests Arcanist Rowena Dresden. “If we want to cast spells, we’re going to need a source of magical power. I suggest we set up an agency to hunt down legendary artifacts and mythical creatures. If only we knew more about fabulous beasts and where to find them, I’m sure we could get our thaumaturgy flowing.”
  3. “Look, the important thing here is not how much power you wield, but how much power you appear to wield,” suggests Salazar Constantine, a street wizard, lighting up a cigarette despite the No Smoking sign in clear view. “You need to make announcements that Random Chaos’s magical puissance is growing on a daily basis, and arrange for a few large scale stage illusions to back up that lie. This will have practical benefits too: as the scepticism of the masses decreases, magic will flow back into the world, enabling true wizards like me to cast real spells for you. Honest truth, guv, would I lie to you?”
  4. “Let’s not be afraid to name magic as a failed experiment,” offers ever-practical will-worker Helga Ged. “Look, we all wanted magic to be the solution to our problems, but when it comes down to it, hard work and elbow grease are what gets things done. Me, I’m putting down my wizard’s staff and taking up a fishing rod. It’s time we got back to basics.”
  5. “Actually, my own spells have been working fine,” reports a smug little alchemist, who insists he must not be named. “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy’s first law of Equivalent Exchange. Make the necessary sacrifices and you’ll find that there’s magical power aplenty to be had.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosians believe the only thing that will make you happy is being unhappy with who you are.

2021-02-21 07:30

Gay Abandoned

Today, reports reached Random Chaos that Montgomery Zaius, a refugee that previously applied for asylum on the basis that his sexuality is a capital crime in his home country — only to be sent home when his application was rejected — has subsequently been executed by his own government.

  1. “This is an absolute disgrace!” splutters LGBT activist Sun Fellow, draping a giant rainbow version of the national flag around your shoulders. “That poor man lost his life because this cruel government refused him sanctuary! What kind of nation will not give people refuge from cruel and despotic regimes? Allow automatic asylum on the basis of persecution for sexual orientation!”
  2. “How was I meant to know he was telling the truth?” exclaims the immigration official who refused the man’s entry, distractedly adjusting the green carnation in his lapel. “He could have been lying just so he could get into the country to take advantage of our generosity! How about we ask supposedly gay migrants to prove their sexuality? We could ask them questions that only a gay person would know, and only let people who pass into the country.”
  3. “You know, this raises the broader issue of immigration,” announces your Finance Minister, dispensing financial projections with a little flourish. “We have an ageing population, so why worry about whether ‘x’ is cause for asylum but ‘y’ isn’t? All suffering is equal, especially that of the public coffers. How about we loosen the immigration rules, rubber-stamping asylum applications from all people who arrive able and willing to live and work here?”
  4. “That this man died is unfortunate, of course,” drawls the famously understated author of Do Stop Being Silly, an analysis of brutal tyrants throughout the ages. “But we have a moral duty to care for our citizens, not every citizen of every country — no matter how unpleasant those countries may be. In fact, we ought to tighten the rules, so that only people with truly valuable skills can immigrate here.”
  5. “Why are we letting filthy gay people in in the first place?” asks the furious far-right author of anti-LGBT treatise Dressed to Repress Beverly Martin, who is hiding from your other visitors inside a closet. “We all know these people are disordered and disposed to vice. His country has the right idea: protecting their people. If nations want to punish their citizens in accordance with their law, we should send them back immediately. Then we can clean up our act at home, with mandatory conversion therapy for all people with same-sex attraction. It is a kindness: no-one can be happy being who they are when they’re different to other people. Mother was right — you just can’t.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader claims to be the epitome of family values.

2021-02-21 01:30

Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte

Your personal assistant, Charlotte Sweet, has threatened to tell the newspapers you had an affair with her unless you give her lots of money.

  1. “Even if you never went near her, we can’t let this story get out,” says your Chief of Staff. “Think of the scandal! No, no, no. Pay her. Pay the tabloids. Pay anyone who’s ever heard the word affair! Pay them as much as it takes to make this disappear. Sure, this might be a quick and dirty solution, but sometimes you have to put your career first.”
  2. “We just have to make sure she doesn’t win over the public with her deceptions,” counsels your attorney, Kanye Ramirez. “Force all the newspapers to expose her as a liar. Release statements saying you stand by your family. Drastic measures must be taken to ensure media truth! Now let’s prep your testimony. Repeat after me: I did not have an affair with that woman.”
  3. “Maybe this little problem really isn’t a dilemma,” opines your press advisor, Peggy Wonka. “We live in modern times, and I don’t think the public care about who sleeps with whom. You’re better off seizing the initiative and telling the world about every relationship you’ve had in a series of memoirs. Make it juicy enough to be exciting, and at the very least people will say you’re honest. People don’t say that a whole lot about politicians these days.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a National Academy regulates grammar and usage.

2021-02-20 19:30

Minority Group Demands Language Recognition

A group several thousand strong hailing from a remote, isolated corner of Random Chaos is staging a massive demonstration on the front steps of your capitol. They demand that their local dialect be recognized as an official language.

  1. Matt Adams, your Minister of Culture, has nothing but disdain for the demonstrators. “The language of Random Chaos is as important to our national identity as our history is. A truly erudite individual uses perfect grammar and refuses to speak as those ruffians do.” Your Finance Minister is quick to chime in as well, “If business is required to print every road sign, instruction manual, and fast-food wrapper in two languages, it would increase everybody’s overhead. That means higher prices for the person in the street.”
  2. “Smarker, but ee’s gone blongie ‘round the clonger! Trandy in the blang warked a newtie on the Cheebers, quaff me a duggle if it’s brine. Sorky, hang our trandy high!” says Siko Franklin, speaking for the demonstrators, in an apparently rousing response that draws a cascade of cheers. After a few uncomfortable minutes with a professional translator, you find the speaker said, “I respectfully disagree with the Minister. Multilingualism has brought stability to richly-cultured nations such as Brancaland; indeed, I challenge you to provide a single counterexample. I encourage this government to adopt a policy of multilingualism throughout Random Chaos!”
  3. Amber McCloud, a radical opposition member who seems to tag along to every demonstration she can find, has her own proposal. “The language barrier is keeping us all apart. What Random Chaos needs is a new identity defined by a new language that we can all agree on. That’s unity without favoritism.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is a crime to operate a combine harvester while intoxicated.

2021-02-20 13:30

Crop Circles Clutter Random Chaos City

After several years of beaming Earth’s location into outer space, it seems somebody has finally responded... by leaving cryptic messages in the form of crop circles in the fields around Random Chaos City. You tried to summon the nation’s leading minds to concoct a response, but only three eccentrics showed up.

  1. “Aliens! They’re aliens I tell you!” raves Felicity Jammeh, the Alternative History Channel’s most notorious correspondent. “Finally we can establish a dialogue with the great extraterrestrials who helped mankind leap from the stone age to the ancient monuments of old. This is clearly a depiction of their alien moon. We should study it to learn more about them.”
  2. “That’s no moon!” bellows Kim Powers, the nation’s foremost authority on Battlestar Galactica fanfiction. “It’s obviously some alien form of surveillance, preparation for an invasion. I say we rally the combined military forces of The Hatrackia and just shoot into the sky until we hit something! We’re bound to kill at least one alien invader before we all die a hero’s death!”
  3. “Um, has anyone noticed that looks an awful lot like Random Chaos City FC’s logo?” counters Dr. Renee Wiggum while spreading aerial photos of the phenomenon across your desk. “There’s a logical explanation to all this that doesn’t involve aliens. The circles were probably caused by intoxicated farm boys. Actually, investing in a small program to teach farmers how to operate machinery more responsibly couldn’t hurt.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a punitive tax has been placed on harmful emissions.

2021-02-20 07:30

Some Like It Hot; Others Don’t

A sudden rise in temperatures has sparked a debate over what the government should do to counter global warming, if anything. The environmentalist movement is up-in-arms and has camped outside your residence for three days demanding an end to all toxic emissions.

  1. As the crowd at the environmentalist rally shouts “Ban emissions NOW! Ban emissions NOW!”, a radical who has actually worked in the real world steps to the podium. “Hush now, folks. Do you realize that a total ban would also require the elimination of all 1.716 billion of us? Our mantra SHOULD be ‘Reduce emissions NOW!’ We must demand that our government install emission controls on all producers, including manufacturing plants, mining and agricultural operations, and military and civilian vehicles. We may not be able to eliminate all emissions, but we can surely go after the sources.”
  2. “We don’t need to be too extreme about this, people,” suggests Kirby Watterson, an economist. “To lower emissions, all we need to do is provide an economic incentive not to pollute. By this, I mean put a tax on harmful emissions. This excise tax will serve to encourage the use of cleaner alternative energy sources, while keeping the economy more or less intact and creating a new source of government revenue. Win-wins always sound good to me.”
  3. “Whoa, dude! The government is planning to do WHAT?!?” says famous surfer Rey Dax, “This temperature spike is, like, totally rad. Why would we want to stop it with uncool stuff that, like, makes it too cold for me to surf and like also does some bad stuff to our economy? Sure, there might be some, like, smog and pollution and stuff, but who cares when we could have bigger waves?”
  4. “You know, I’m really tired of these hippies constantly complaining about the environment,” rants your arch-conservative cousin, Zeus Lacombe, “They’re the real problem. I say we round up all the tree-huggers and shoot ‘em all. Then business can go on as usual without the eco-nazis protesting every new oil refinery.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Retail Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rare art has become a significant factor in negotiating all foreign trade agreements.

2021-02-20 01:30

The Artwork in the Attic

After the death of the wealthy Maxtopian immigrant Emmeline Erica Glenn, a large stash of paintings, many of which are believed to have been produced by the most notable artists in the history of Maxtopia, was found in her attic. With no will to reference, it is up to the government to decide what should be done with the discoveries.

  1. “Emmeline decided to make Random Chaos her home,” comments Salvatore Modi, the Minister of Fine Arts, who was a close friend of the deceased woman. “I know her character well enough to say that she would want her collection to remain here. She was a patron of the arts; I suggest we make an endowment to the Random Chaos City Museum in her name. The Maxtopians are welcome to visit the museum and pay to see the paintings like anyone else.”
  2. “Pay to see them!” gasps Aldo Summers, the Maxtopian Minister of Culture and part-time art critic. “There are paintings of great historical and cultural value to my country in that collection! They should be returned to Maxtopia with all due haste! Just imagine ‘The Fall of St. Barrysburg’ hanging on the walls of the Maxtopian town house of Wilhelm Campbell, as the noises of war reached his ears from outside his study. Does it not stir your soul?”
  3. “Why not put them up for auction?” asks auction master Quincy Ho with a dramatic flourish of his gavel. “That way whoever wants them the most will purchase them. Do I hear wealthy Maxtopians? Museum curators? Do I hear eccentric collectors? SOLD! to the highest bidder and money in the government coffers to boot!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, debate rages over whether ground fish guts can be spread on fields.

2021-02-19 19:30

Dead in the Water

Massive fertilizer-fueled algae blooms in the South Gambler Sea are quickly depleting aquatic oxygen levels and suffocating marine life. Vaguely aware of this fact, you are on a poorly-planned fishing trip in the South Gambler Sea arranged by the Ministry of Agriculture. The fishing expedition is intended to impress foreign dignitaries, but you can’t help but notice that there are more strategic locales for a PR stunt, areas that aren’t a sickly brown color. All the same, you cast a line into the water, and a few seconds later the fishing rod bends and flexes wildly.

  1. “That must be a big piece of garbage. There’s no way you’ll catch any fish in that dead water,” concludes Stefanie Harman, an unabashed nihilist and CEO of DrillBabyDrill. She jabs a finger at the open sea, adding, “This proves that it’s high time to give up on environmental regulation altogether. If you want to squeeze some more production from this pool of filth, abolish those obsolete pollution laws hindering my offshore oil rigs. There’s nothing left to protect, after all.”
  2. A hard pull on the line drags the rod out of your hands. Jiang O'Hara, a retired senior captain from Something Fishy, makes a diving catch for it and wrestles with whatever is on the other end. He exclaims, “If that’s a fish, we must find out how it miraculously lives in lifeless water!” He continues to struggle with the fishing rod. “But if it’s only trash out there, then the only way to save the fishing industry - and the environment - is to strictly limit the fertilizers causing this dead zone in the first place.”
  3. With a wrench and some salty language, the captain lands the ‘fish,’ a woman in a scuba suit. Floundering on deck, she fumes, “Aggh! I can’t see anything down there, with all that gunk from the estuary! Rumor has it there’s shipwrecks down there, but I’ve never seen one. Look, the problem here is chemical fertilizer run off from farms, so why not fix the problem back at the farms with better chemicals? Oblige the farmers to add chlorine bleach to the water supply in proportion to the fertilizers they use, and your rivers and seas will boast crystal clear water!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a firework a day does not in fact keep the doctor away.

2021-02-19 13:30

Random Chaos’s New Year’s Resolution: Lose Fewer Limbs

The Random Chaosian New Year has arrived again and citizens across the nation are setting off fireworks that light up the sky in a beautiful and awe-inspiring display. Lighting up Random Chaos’s roads, however, are the sirens of emergency vehicles tending to the injuries and fires caused by the explosive revelries. Your Minister of Safety has twisted your arm to personally investigate the situation, so you’ve reluctantly left your own New Year’s party to venture to the local hospital.

  1. A frazzled ER doctor, Lucy Thomas, begins lecturing you while distractedly stitching a patient. “I can’t take it any more! Every New Year, the number of patients in the burn ward explodes, and need for stitches skyrockets! Fireworks are clearly too dangerous for the untrained public to play with. We need to ban possession and use of fireworks without proper training. To keep the tradition of Random Chaosian New Year alive, the government can sanction shows and hire licensed professionals for the celebration. And hey, if I weren’t suddenly getting so many emergency calls on the New Year, maybe I’d actually have time to watch the show.”
  2. “That’s not going far enough,” interjects a local bird watcher Sayid Chew, who is standing by the window, binoculars trained on a vulture by the hospital morgue. “It’s not a celebration for the birds whose sky we’re shooting into! Animals don’t understand what’s going on when unnatural flashes and scary noises suddenly start bursting all around them. If they dodge the explosions, noxious smoke is sure to drive birds out of the sky, while remains of spent fireworks littering the streets pose a swallowing hazard for scavengers. Licensing fireworks operators won’t change this. We need to ban all fireworks, and find less inconsiderate ways to entertain ourselves.”
  3. “That’s ridiculous,” retorts Alexei Jamieson - Chief Technical Officer of the Have a Blast fireworks factory, who is visiting the burns ward to hand out free sparklers to the injured. “Thunderstorms happen all the time in nature, and animals survive those. Fireworks are fabulous fun! If some drunken idiots can’t read the clear safety instructions we supply with all our products, then, well, that’s natural selection doing our species a favor. In fact, we should legalize use of fireworks all year round. Then we can celebrate anything, anytime, not just the New Year.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former first wives now find themselves mothers to twenty children.

2021-02-19 07:30

The Sad State of Affairs

Some Random Chaosians are circumventing the ban on adultery by marrying anyone they’d like an affair with. Once the excitement of the relationship is over, the lovers will often then have nothing further to do with each other.

  1. “These morally deficient sex addicts are making a mockery of the sanctity of marriage,” says Abraham Christensen, hand-in-hand with his two wives. “A marriage means you’re supposed to support your lovers for life. You should make these legal adulterers pay by having them live with their partners until the day they die – no separation, no vacations away from one another, nothing! If they don’t comply, they should be charged with adultery and receive the full punishment!”
  2. “This was bound to happen,” cries Daniel Jefferson, a leading monogamy advocate and author of the controversial book I Do, Not We Do. “Having multiple spouses is just cheating on your one true love. Make everyone choose one spouse, and only one spouse. That’s the way to true peace and marital harmony.”
  3. “Consent is the word to remember,” blurts out Judi Putin, your cousin’s first and least favourite spouse. “You know why? Because if someone feels the need for a bit — ahem — extra, they should have the full consent from every spouse involved. Legally documented and informed consent will put to bed the troublesome issue of illegal extramarital affairs.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Average Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a paperwork error has naval privateers being directed to attack land-locked nations.

2021-02-19 01:30

A Plank Too Far

A diplomatic crisis erupted recently after particularly bloodthirsty Random Chaosian pirates made the entire crew of a captured Macronesian oil tanker walk the plank. Following the incident, Macronesian authorities have declared that they will sink any Random Chaosian vessel that enters their waters until the pirate attacks stop.

  1. “These allegations be scurvy hogwash!” claims Heston Schwarzenegger, the pirate quartermaster, wearing a purely decorative eyepatch. “We ran a shot across the bow, but them scallywags aboard the galleon decided to run a rig and fight back, forcing us to give them no quarter. Word has it that the Macronesian navy has assembled themselves a massive armada, and they be wishing to blow our binnacles to the poop deck. Our cannon and cutlasses are no match for their cruise missiles, so we would be thankful if ye could give us more advanced weaponry to stand a chance against these landlubbers. Arrrrr...”
  2. “We’d like to see those rapscallions try,” challenges Melissa Baldwin, the Defence Minister of Macronesia, while hoisting the national flag upside-down to signify a state of war. “These cowardly sea barbarians have attacked our defenceless merchant vessels for long enough. Their home ports are in Random Chaos, so you have a moral responsibility to contribute to military efforts to eliminate them, and should pay Macronesia reparations for the harm done to us by Random Chaosian nationals. Never forget that Macronesia rules the waves, and that those who oppose us will meet watery graves!”
  3. “We might have to compromise a little to stay in business,” concedes Themba Goethe, the self-proclaimed ‘Admiral of the Black’, whose operations haven’t been in the black for years. “We should avoid plundering ships from nations with large navies like Macronesia; we don’t want to be bilged on our own anchor after all. However, many other nations - such as Moltovea - lack a proper navy and are easy pickings. You should enforce a rule that prohibits the pillaging of vessels from countries with naval superiority. Just list the nations that have less seapower than us, and we’ll make sure you get your share of the spoils.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people experiencing anaphylactic shock are told to buck their ideas up.

2021-02-18 20:30

A Matter of Loaf and Death

Following a sale on gluten-free goods at the N’Ever Fresh chain of supermarkets, the shelves were stripped of all but a packet of gluten-free gravy granules and a slightly-stale baguette. The hungry coeliacs of Random Chaos claim these items were not bought by fellow gluten-intolerants, but by fad dieters.

  1. “These selfish shoppers are taking the bread from the mouth of my starving child. Literally!” rants Woody Wood, the parent of Chip, a recently-diagnosed boy with coeliac disease. “I mean, it just takes the cake! Not only does he have to suffer this lifelong condition – munching on cardboard-like gluten-free bread while all his friends chow down on pasta salads and soft loaves – but some airhead who thinks gluten-free is a lifestyle choice comes and strips the shelves. Not to mention that gluten-free stuff costs twice as much! You should limit these gluten-free products to diagnosed coeliacs, and have the NHS pick up the cost, so parents can always put a whole meal on the table.”
  2. “If this man had a grain of sense, he’d realise that these half-baked ideas would cripple the national budget,” asserts your Minister of Finance, hiding his gluten-free sliced white bread in a drawer. “If they can’t find or afford gluten-free breads and pastas, there are plenty of naturally gluten-free foods such as rice and potatoes that they can buy instead. Simply issue a few leaflets that doctors can hand out to their patients about cheap foods that are naturally gluten-free.”
  3. “I think that’s a really crummy idea!” complains Iris Longfellow, author of the food sceptic’s handbook Inconsiderate ‘Intolerances’ and Awkward ‘Allergies’: Why Won’t the Whiners Simply Swallow Their Fare?. “We shouldn’t pander to these people. These so-called special diets have gone past a joke, what with restaurants offering ‘gluten-free’ and ‘dairy-free’ and ‘nut-free’ choices. And why? For some mewling, puking babies that use made-up diseases to get special attention, and for the Big Pharma companies that pay researchers to back up their claims and boost their own profits. I say we go against the grain and reject that these clearly-fabricated diseases even exist. Then, we’ll reap the benefits of plain old-fashioned common sense.”
  4. “Look, that idiot is clearly is a slice short of a loaf,” observes actress Gwendolyn Shatner, whose allergen-free cookbook - The Skinny Minnie Diet Plan - is due out next week. “It’s well-known that a gluten-free diet is an essential baseline for every person who wants to maintain maximum health, lose weight and be basically awesome. A gluten-free diet needn’t be boring. You can do so much: mung bean chilli, mung bean casserole, daal with mung beans in it. You should incentivise retailers so they switch to manufacturing only good gluten-free food, so that all of Random Chaos can benefit.”
2021-02-18 19:30

A Matter of Loaf and Death

Following a sale on gluten-free goods at the N’Ever Fresh chain of supermarkets, the shelves were stripped of all but a packet of gluten-free gravy granules and a slightly-stale baguette. The hungry coeliacs of Random Chaos claim these items were not bought by fellow gluten-intolerants, but by fad dieters.

  1. “These selfish shoppers are taking the bread from the mouth of my starving child. Literally!” rants Woody Wood, the parent of Chip, a recently-diagnosed boy with coeliac disease. “I mean, it just takes the cake! Not only does he have to suffer this lifelong condition – munching on cardboard-like gluten-free bread while all his friends chow down on pasta salads and soft loaves – but some airhead who thinks gluten-free is a lifestyle choice comes and strips the shelves. Not to mention that gluten-free stuff costs twice as much! You should limit these gluten-free products to diagnosed coeliacs, and have the NHS pick up the cost, so parents can always put a whole meal on the table.”
  2. “If this man had a grain of sense, he’d realise that these half-baked ideas would cripple the national budget,” asserts your Minister of Finance, hiding his gluten-free sliced white bread in a drawer. “If they can’t find or afford gluten-free breads and pastas, there are plenty of naturally gluten-free foods such as rice and potatoes that they can buy instead. Simply issue a few leaflets that doctors can hand out to their patients about cheap foods that are naturally gluten-free.”
  3. “I think that’s a really crummy idea!” complains Iris Longfellow, author of the food sceptic’s handbook Inconsiderate ‘Intolerances’ and Awkward ‘Allergies’: Why Won’t the Whiners Simply Swallow Their Fare?. “We shouldn’t pander to these people. These so-called special diets have gone past a joke, what with restaurants offering ‘gluten-free’ and ‘dairy-free’ and ‘nut-free’ choices. And why? For some mewling, puking babies that use made-up diseases to get special attention, and for the Big Pharma companies that pay researchers to back up their claims and boost their own profits. I say we go against the grain and reject that these clearly-fabricated diseases even exist. Then, we’ll reap the benefits of plain old-fashioned common sense.”
  4. “Look, that idiot is clearly is a slice short of a loaf,” observes actress Gwendolyn Shatner, whose allergen-free cookbook - The Skinny Minnie Diet Plan - is due out next week. “It’s well-known that a gluten-free diet is an essential baseline for every person who wants to maintain maximum health, lose weight and be basically awesome. A gluten-free diet needn’t be boring. You can do so much: mung bean chilli, mung bean casserole, daal with mung beans in it. You should incentivise retailers so they switch to manufacturing only good gluten-free food, so that all of Random Chaos can benefit.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the last thing Random Chaosian soldiers hear before charging into battle is a preacher trying to convert them.

2021-02-18 13:30

Preach With Me if You Want to Live

The military has seen a sharp rise in complaints against chaplains who often pressure soldiers, particularly atheists and those adhering to foreign religions, into converting prior to battle. Military officials and soldiers have come for your guidance as the chaplain issue has brought troop morale to an all time low.

  1. “Of course we need chaplains, for the soldiers’ peace of mind!” pleads long-serving chaplain, fourth Lieutenant Nelson Wessex while taking a break from trying to convert your staff. “If we give them the comfort and blessings of the Creator, their quality of life, happiness, and motivation will greatly improve. Granted, they may lose focus from all the people trying to convert them, but at least their souls will join the Creator!”
  2. “Oh please. The last thing I need before I die is some loudmouth preacher trying to convert me!” complains pessimistic Private and proud atheist Jabulani Dixon as he uses your handkerchief to polish his weapon. “All us soldiers would be better off, and more willing to stay alive, without these crazy chaplains telling us how ‘our deaths are meaningless’ or that we’re ‘eternally damned’ if we don’t convert. For the sake of soldiers’ peace and quiet, military chaplains must be banned! Religion has no place in the military.”
  3. “Well, the problem isn’t the presence of religion, it’s that my troops are hearing it in the wrong place,” suggests the devout seventh battalion commander, Captain Brenda Leach. “We must make the military accommodating to all beliefs in the interest of tolerance and fairness. Sure, you might end up with some oddballs, like that captain in ninth battalion who worships the flying purple meatball monster or people who don’t believe anything at all, but hey, at least our troops can find their own path to spiritual enlightenment.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, unpackaged foodstuffs rot on store shelves.

2021-02-18 07:30

One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Recyclable

A recent study by some self-righteous college students revealed that an alarming number of recyclable items are being thrown into the garbage. In order to bring more attention to this issue, a handful of particularly dedicated environmentalists - calling themselves ‘Save Our Trash’ - are camping out in the dumpster behind your home. They claim that they will not leave until the government takes action.

  1. “How can people care so little for Mother Earth?” grouses a grouchy, green-haired man named Oscar, who has taken up residence in one of your trash cans. “The government needs to do a hell of a lot more to inform people about the importance of recycling. You should throw everything you’ve got at the problem: public service announcements, sorting classes for the kids, bins in every conceivable place. You could even fine those lazy people who refuse to properly dispose of recyclables.”
  2. “There’s no reason to punish Random Chaosians when industry bears most of the blame for pollution,” suggests Khethiwe Beethoven while struggling to open a hard plastic stay-fresh shell containing a pre-peeled banana. “By taxing inefficient manufacturers for all of this ridiculously excessive packaging, the government could discourage commercial waste and even make itself some money. Hey, an environmentalist policy that generates revenue - now there’s an idea.”
  3. “Meh. Is this really such a big deal?” yawns city worker Billy Grieg, finishing off his tea in a delicate porcelain cup, before throwing the whole thing into the nearest garbage can. “Being neurotic over trash just makes people unhappy and forces them to feel guilty about shopping. You should actually be encouraging people to throw stuff away without thinking too hard about it - a culture of disposable items drives consumption, which in turn makes for a strong economy. And that’s what matters.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, weighted heels are added to military boots to ensure diminutive celebrities meet minimum requirements.

2021-02-18 01:30

Sergeant McCool Reporting for Duty

Gossip magazines have exploded into a frenzy after news broke that famous teen idol Dennis “Squeaky” McCool is being conscripted into Random Chaos’s military.

  1. “I heartily welcome this man to the force,” dead-eyed military recruiter Pedro Price utters in flat monotone. “Sergeant McCool failed to pass his initial examination, and he exited through the wrong door. But these are minor obstacles every soldier can learn to overcome. He will enter training immediately, and I am sure he will be proud to serve in the front lines with the other grunt... fine Random Chaosian men and women.”
  2. “NO! He’s going to DIE!” screams Vera Williams, a 45-year-old who gives her current profession as ‘Squeaky’s Number One Fan’. “Leader, you can’t let Squeaky get killed. Can’t you just, well, refuse him? We Squeakers need him so much. He supports all kind of charities: Dinner-Dance for the Destitute, Masquerade for the Pox-Marked... Say, if he paid you some of his millions, couldn’t that be seen as a surrogate to actual service?”
  3. “This the pretty boy that’s due in?” rasps Chastity Dubois from the shadows, riffling through gossip magazines and military files. “He should already be physically fit at his age. In neighbouring countries, kids of seventeen, fourteen, six, can already disassemble and reassemble a rifle, crawl along the ground on their knees and elbows and take out a sniper... normal stuff.” She pauses to show you a video of unknown origin, which appears to depict youngsters playing cops-and-robbers. “Our imitation of conscription has failed to instil healthy Random Chaosian values into our people. We must widen the net and make the training harsher.”
  4. “When an engineer joins, we put them to work fixing stuff,” explains Army logistician, Harambe Li, moving a battalion of toy soldiers from one side of your desk to another. “Why not use this pop singer’s talents? We’d welcome him into the Army, but never put him on the front line. Instead, he’d fly from base to base singing to adoring uniformed fans, pose for recruitment posters, and go on TV to praise the glory of our great nation. He will serve beautifully.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, religious organizations are being forced to leave the country or pay income taxes like everybody else.

2021-02-17 21:00

Sacramental Tax Time?

Secularists have been urging the government to impose corporation tax on religious organizations in Random Chaos for some time now, and the issue has finally made its way to the upper levels of the government.

  1. Self-appointed civil rights spokesperson Nomfundo Baldwin declares, “Churches are business organizations with a large income. It’s unfair that they don’t have to pay the same taxes that everyone else does. If they really do spend any money on charity, let them write it off as a deduction just like corporations do. There’s no reason that so-called clergy should be chauffeured around in limos tax-free, when we desperately need funds for public works.”
  2. “Freedom of conscience is foremost among liberties,” says Reverend Wesley Goethe. “Churches have been exempted from taxation because it is wrong for the government to infringe on the right of people to worship as they please, and that includes charging them for the right to worship. Besides, churches are non-profit organizations that put all their funds back into the community.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, any girl that shows an interest in Lego is pressured to study engineering.

2021-02-17 13:30

1x, 2x, 3x, a Lady

Globally, the fields of engineering, technology and science have historically seen women significantly under-represented. Independent magazine Women’s Problems Monthly has engaged in a root cause analysis to investigate, noting that a major contributor to this is girls losing interest in mathematics at school, with a knock-on reduction in applications for maths-related degree courses.

  1. “There’s a cultural poison at the root of this where boys and girls get assigned toys, magazines and hobbies according to arbitrary societal expectations of gender roles,” complains ardent replica sword collector Cortana Christmas. “Boys get chemistry kits and toy robots. Girls get baby dolls and make-up sets. Is it any wonder they think mathematics and science aren’t meant for them? We must legislate to regulate in retail, advertising, parenting and primary education!”
  2. “Leave our kids alone! Boys and girls are different; it’s just opportunity that needs to be made more equal,” declares tiara-wearing nuclear physicist Samus Jekyll, clutching her pink unicorn pencil case protectively. “It’s in higher education and the workplace that the self-perpetuating old boys’ club mentality exists. You should set a reasonable quota for education and employment, to ensure neither gender represents more than 70% of intake.”
  3. “Women’s talent exists, it’s just that SOME useless girls won’t go out and take the opportunities that are already there,” declares Jadzia Quagmire, a venture capitalist renowned for her cut-throat business style, as she breaks wind loudly and scratches at her unshaved armpits. “Too many teenage ‘princesses’ think that it is unfeminine to be ambitious. If they prefer to associate self-worth with personal grooming and fashion rather than intellect and financial success, then they deserve what they get. Don’t patronise an entire gender, Leader; just let individuals rise and fall according to their own merits.”
  4. “Uh... I don’t really like to be the token male voice here,” whispers token male voice Alfred Wiseau, “but the reason I got into maths was the same reason I got into wargames, model trains and chess club. I’d rather do guy things with guys! Can’t you instead encourage this positive trend? Give student grants to men who study male courses, like maths and engineering. You can give grants to women for female subjects, like knitting, drama and so on. That’d be equal, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tech-mad citizens think that the laser-powered bread-slicer uPhone App is the coolest thing since sliced bread.

2021-02-17 07:30

Fair to Say...?

At last year’s World Fair many said that Random Chaos’s exhibition pavilion was “okay, considering,” and “not bad, for a nation on a tight budget.” This year, national organizers want to make your expo presence bigger, better, and more impressive than ever before.

  1. “We need more shiny stuff! We need lasers, and twenty-foot-tall robots!” squeaks General Castiel Honda, hoverboarding excitedly round you in a wide circle. “Let’s show off our tech to the rest of the world! We need flying cars and... and... cybergamblers! Yes, a cybergambler, with a frickin’ laser beam on its head!”
  2. “My, how gauche!” sneers Martina Amis, an esteemed novelist. “Culture is the lifeblood of Random Chaos. We should create a gallery-slash-library to celebrate Random Chaos’s arts and literature abroad. Nothing less could represent our brilliance.”
  3. “Give the fair-goers what they want! FOOOOOOOOD!” yells Adam Richbloke, a generously proportioned foodie holding a generous portion of battered chicken chunks. “Visitors to the fair aren’t going to visit every tent; you know how many nations there are in the world now? But everyone has gotta eat! Chocolate doughnut lasagna, deep-fried pancake soups and orange truffle crabcakes with butter, pork and loads of sweet custard. Hmm, hmmm, hmmm, looks like everyone will be stopping by the Random Chaos pavilion!”
  4. “I smell economic opportunity,” says your Commerce Minister Indira Gambler. “We should showcase what a great place for investors we are, emphasising our flexible taxation arrangements for valued corporate investors and our latest moves to stamp out the unions. We should literally get on our knees, and beg the biggest businesses to bring jobs and prosperity to Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, one-man canoes fitted with the latest tracking technology leave no room for one man.

2021-02-17 01:30

Lost at Sea

Years have passed since the failed search for the missing yacht Adventurer, which was reported lost with all hands, came to an end. Now it has finally been found, locked in pack ice in the ocean around Northern Brancaland. Nautical enthusiasts are asking how to prevent this from happening again.

  1. “Obviously, we need to have all recreational vessels create and submit a travel plan to my office before they leave port,” suggests your Maritime Minister, Jamil Griffin, as he places a map of coastal Random Chaos on your desk. “If they transmit a distress call, we’ll send out rescue teams to search for them. They would have to pay a small fee to cover expenses, but it will be worth it for everyone’s safety.”
  2. “Then we could spend hours looking for them,” sarcastically remarks your Technology Minister, Natalie Murphy, as she rips up the map and replaces it with a new globe. “Equip every vessel with radar and the latest GPS systems. We’ll monitor them from new tracking stations built all along the coastline, then we can send out rescue teams directly to them. The Coast Guard has been underfunded for years, I’m sure they would appreciate all these fancy new toys.”
  3. “Everyone knows that you’ll reach the Great Ice Wall if you sail too far!” exclaims fervent flat-earther, Waylon Tavener, while trying to flatten your new globe with a rolling pin. “It would be too much hassle either way to track all these boats, especially when the solution is obvious: ban all recreational boating! If no one sails, no one will get trapped in ice.”
  4. “Avast! Ye government knaves have no right to dictate where me and me hearties travel!” shouts suspected pirate, Edward Teach, as he barges into your office and impales the remains of your globe with his cutlass. “The Gambler’s Revenge shall sail wherever she pleases! Ye landlubbing government scallywags must get rid of all restrictions on freedom of navigation in your territorial waters, or you’ll be walking the plank!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only vaccinated citizens may have free healthcare.

2021-02-16 19:30

Random Chaosian Officials Needled About Mandatory Vaccinations

Health workers are frequently being ignored by people when recommending vaccinations against common illnesses. When these people subsequently become ill they require expensive emergency care. To correct this situation, many health experts are lobbying for mandatory vaccinations.

  1. Weena Ross, a pro-vaccination taxpayer, says “If a doctor thinks a vaccination is good for you then you should have it. All these people turning them down are know-it-alls that are wasting my tax money. Or they’re really afraid of needles.”
  2. Cindy Adams, who recently refused a vaccination, says that vaccines must remain completely optional: “Anything else is a breach of human rights. Doctors are not always right!” she says. “I’m perfectly capable of deciding what is best for my body!”
  3. Hermes Fox, Random Chaos’s leading expert on health spending, suggests a third way. “Leave vaccines optional but make free health care conditional on having them. That way people get to choose, and it will help ease the load on our national healthcare budget.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teddy bears and pajamas have replaced briefcases and suits in Random Chaos's offices.

2021-02-16 13:30

Sit-Down Money

With traffic congestion on the roads of Random Chaos City reaching unbearable density, labour unions are demanding that employees be paid overtime wages for time spent in traffic jams.

  1. “Have mercy on us, Leader!” yells Dorothy Richards, honking her car horn right under your window. “I’ve been stuck in this damned traffic jam for so long I’ve forgotten what my children look like! It is inhumane to spend four hours every day just trying to commute to work and back home! I deserve to be paid overtime wages to compensate for the stress I endure!”
  2. “What is this noise?” asks your secretary Jacob Karoshi, crawling out from under his desk, still wrapped in his blanket. “Tell these softies that nobody is forcing them to drive back home after work. People whose homes are far away from work should be encouraged to sleep over at their offices and only go home once a week or so. This would also help boost their company loyalty. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a quick shower. The garden sprinklers are on, right?”
  3. “I’m not sure why it’s government business what our corporate pay structures are,” observes well-rested CEO Naomi Fallon, whose commute involved a 15-minute private helicopter trip. “The labour unions always have one demand or another, but we can deal with these problems with hardball negotiation, judicious hiring and firing, and failing all else, water cannon. How about government stays out of it, and lets us resolve these pay disputes our own way?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, shanty towns are forming in the suburbs of major cities.

2021-02-16 07:30

Refugees Want to Call Random Chaos Home

After several bloody conflicts in nearby regions, a stream of asylum-seekers and refugees has been spotted heading for Random Chaos’s shores.

  1. “Some of these people have endured terrible hardships to reach our borders,” says International Red Cross spokesperson Kathryn Sato. “We must welcome these unfortunates with open arms. Let the world see that Random Chaos does not turn its back on those in need!”
  2. “These grasping freeloaders will swamp our culture and traditions!” argues talk-radio host Orson Assange. “First they want welfare, next thing you know they’re taking our jobs — and you know they won’t bother to learn our language. I say charity begins at home — and this isn’t their home. This is the world’s problem, not ours.”
  3. Economics Professor Vanna Gibson offers an alternative. “There is no question that we have to help those who reach out to us in their darkest hour. But on the other hand, we cannot help everybody. So let’s just take the ones who are willing to keep our streets clean and our drains flowing in return for a subsistence wage.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Extensive Public Healthcare.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, renewable energy projects have ground to a halt.

2021-02-16 01:30

Wind Farms Blowing Up a Storm

Wind farms have been set up across the country, generating enormous amounts of renewable energy for the citizens of Random Chaos. However, there are some who feel that they cause more problems than they solve.

  1. “Hideous eyesores!” roars Hope Pound, founder of the ‘Not Within Eyesight Of My Backyard!’ pressure group. “All I wanted when I retired was a little cottage in the country; somewhere to pursue my hobby in watercolors - but no, the hippies just had to spoil it for everyone didn’t they? This place was beautiful! Green fields and perfect blue skies! Not anymore, though! These unnatural monstrosities are ruining my damn view! They should be taken down and scrapped!”
  2. “Oh, cry me a river,” grumbles Marlon Wickremesinghe, senior maintenance engineer of the local wind farm. “Just one of these wind turbines can power over a thousand homes each year and with only a minute fraction of the environmental impact of burning fossil fuels! These people are literally in favour of doing more harm to the environment they’re supposedly ‘protecting’ from wind farms! It’s beyond hypocrisy and very, very selfish. These ignorant villagers should be ashamed of themselves!”
  3. “Perhaps we’re just putting them in the wrong place?” asks Sigourney Doolittle, another engineer. “We should be building wind farms out at sea! Strong uninterrupted winds and no local residents to disturb! Sounds like the perfect solution, if you ask me. Setting them up and maintaining them’s going to cost a bomb of course but... well, it’s worth it right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is slowly introducing social welfare programs.

2021-02-15 19:30

Social Inequality Reaching Embarrassing Levels

Commentators have warned that Random Chaos’s social inequalities threaten to make it an international pariah.

  1. “Look, I don’t like it either,” says Chamber of Commerce spokesperson Birgitta Douglas. “Just on the way here, I had to step over three homeless people, and one of my shoes got caught on a beggar. But inequality is the price we pay for economic strength. If anything, we need fewer taxes, so those of us who are well-off can afford to be more generous. If we want to, that is.”
  2. “I think we’ve forgotten what economic strength is all about,” says social worker Gary Levi. “The economy is meant to be a means to a high standard of living, not an end in itself. It’s become an excuse for the rich to prosper while the poor fall through the cracks. Not everyone is poor because they don’t feel like working. We must provide more welfare.”
  3. “Who says we’re an international pariah?” demands military honcho Lucy Schmidt. “What are their names? If that’s the way the international community feels, we obviously need to prepare for war.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, large areas of Random Chaos are not accessible by the public.

2021-02-15 13:30

Right of Way or Wrong of Way?

An increasing number of land owners have been fencing off footpaths which run through or near their property and as a result you have been petitioned by The Ramblers’ and Hikers’ Association to allow the ‘right to roam’.

  1. Billy-Bob Yew, a famous hiker of Random Chaos’s countryside, storms into your office, arms waving dangerously. “These pompous land owners are fencing off hundreds of years of tradition! The public should have right of way by law! It is every man’s right to be able to enjoy the scenic beauty of our native lands and I don’t see why some toffee-nosed prat should be the only person allowed to walk around his hundreds of acres of land when most of us don’t even have one! It’s simply unforgivable! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a walk! Wherever I ruddy well like!”
  2. “It’s trespass, plain and simple,” says Ginny Evans, wealthy owner of six mansions. “My home is my castle! If these smelly ramblers think they can abuse and defile my land, they should start thinking again! You’ve got to look at this reasonably: where people go, pollution follows. Before I know it I’m going to have litter in my fields, drunken parties in my woods, and more eroded footpaths than I can count! Will they be the ones paying to have it all maintained? Not likely! I say no to this ‘right to roam’ rubbish! This land is mine, and I intend to keep it that way.”
  3. “There’s an opportunity in every problem,” says Leroy Magellan, your Minister of Rural Affairs. “And there’s always some sort of compromise. We could simply allocate some government funding to teams of environmental workers to maintain and promote our network of footpaths that anyone may use... for a price. Think of the money we could get from all those hikers and ramblers! Not to mention the tourists, birdwatchers, and hippies! Everybody wins! Except for those who can’t afford the fees, I guess, but you can’t please everyone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, workers for the environmental protection agency are patted down for tartar sauce every morning.

2021-02-15 07:30

The Wrath of the Fish King

To your horror, you woke up this morning with a thousand anchovy heads in your bed and a note from the insidious terrorist group called “The Cult of the Dammed”. Citing lack of support for the fishing industry from the government, they are threatening to eradicate the wild Random Chaosian fish populations if their demands are not met.

  1. Communicating via video-link to your office is the spokesperson for the Cult of the Dammed, Kelly Tizad, holding a sinister-looking frozen vial. “On behalf of our leader, the Fish King, we demand a total repeal of all fishing industry regulations and for the government of Random Chaos to relinquish control of all waterways to the Cult of the Dammed and our approved fisheries! Anything less than this and we will release a genetically engineered virus that shall see the end of aquatic biodiversity as you know it!”
  2. Up-and-coming military officer Captain Arthur Menthol immediately disconnects the monitor. “We do not negotiate with terrorists! Their boats will make excellent aquatic habitat, I say! Give me a few navy cruisers to seek out the boats of these terrorists. We will have them sleeping with the fishes and end this threat.”
  3. “Have you lost your mind, Arthur?” retorts your Minister of Lightly-Fried Fish Fillets Gunther Knight. “How can we even consider such wanton slaughter? Genetically engineered viruses sound like the stuff of science fiction anyway; these terrorists are probably bluffing. Just in case, we could always keep a few of every species of fish found in Random Chaos breeding in captivity. That way, if they do follow through on their threat we can always restock our rivers and lakes.”
  4. “That gives me an idea,” ponders fishing mogul Gordon Silver. “Those cultists want to ruin our environment and tourism by killing our fish, so let’s completely deny them the opportunity! Let’s take all of the fish in the lakes and streams and put them in tiny fish apartments! In fact, we can charge people an admission fee to see our fish and frame it as a tourist experience!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most academic research has ground to a halt.

2021-02-15 01:30

Devil and the Deep Blue Funding Gap

A group of scientists have come to your office hoping for grants to explore the deep blue sea.

  1. “Our lack of knowledge of the ocean is unacceptable!” lectures Jacques Zissou, Emeritus Professor of Marine Biology. “We know less about the ocean floor than we do the lunar surface. The dearth of research is absurd! Were the government to provide more funding, we could perform studies on marine life, underwater volcanoes, currents, and more. The possibilities are endless. Sure, it’ll cost a pretty chip, but the dissertations will be enthralling.”
  2. “Oh sure, let’s spend millions of chips to find out what’s in the ocean. Oh wait, I can already tell you: it’s just WATER,” your budget advisor remarks sarcastically. “There is no point in spending tax money to know what kind of dirt is on the ocean floor. The government should scrap all research projects designed without real economic benefit. The last thing Random Chaos needs is yet another harebrained scheme to study the mating habits of dolphins or something comparably ridiculous.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, racial supremacists have a burning desire to deal with immigrants.

2021-02-14 19:30

Monumental Melodrama

Angry Bigtopian protesters have called for the removal of a statue of Cyril James Carthage, a controversial historic imperialist and mining magnate from two centuries ago, who was once instrumental in perpetuating the Bigtopian slave trade.

  1. “Carthage must fall!” bellows Bigtopian protest leader Mohammed van de Berg, hurling a bucket of paint at the statue. “He was a racist profiteer who forced my ancestors off their land to work in his mines.” The paint overshoots and hits another protester as he continues. “Leaving up this monument glorifies the monster, and is an insult to all Bigtopians! A culturally sensitive government should have constant reviews of the message that their statues send, and remove monuments and other artworks that don’t fit modern sensibilities. Carthage must be destroyed!”
  2. “Preposterous!” blusters Tourism tycoon Cedric Jacob Carthage, who just so happens to be the slaver’s direct descendant and inheritor of generations of old money, gently placing a well-manicured hand on your shoulder for emphasis. “Removing my ancestor’s monument would be a massive blow to my public image... I mean, our national heritage. Keep these vandals away!”
  3. “There is a compromise here,” muses performance artist Rodent Fantastic, while jamming a boot onto the statue’s head, a tutu round its waist, and sparkly glitter glue on its face. “What if we leave the offending works in place, but allow protesters to deface them if they want to express dissent? What could go wrong?”
  4. “Carthage had it right, we ought to put them damned Bigtopians back in their place,” asserts a figure with a silly-looking white hood over his head, hefting a can of petrol and a toolbox. “You get the police to hang back; me and the boys will settle this.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the gambler stadiums are open 24/7.

2021-02-14 13:30

No Rest for the Weary Gambler

With the popularity of gambler racing in Random Chaos booming, the growing number of retired racing gamblers being abandoned on the streets has become harder to ignore. As irresistibly cute pictures of sad-looking gamblers fill up the pages of newspapers, the time has come for government action.

  1. “We’re overflowing with gamblers here!” exclaims Michonne Webster, owner of the Sunset Gambler Retirement Lodge. “And we just don’t get enough donations from the public to house them all. We’re now facing a choice between turning away gamblers, or putting them down. It’s the gambler racing industry’s fault we’re in this situation - make them pay for homing the gamblers they cast off.”
  2. “Not far enough!” declares animal-rights protestor Venus de Vries, wearing a gambler costume to show her sympathy for their plight. “There’s only one reason that gamblers get abandoned in the first place, and that reason is gambler racing. These poor creatures get cooped up in a cage all day and are virtually starved so they race well, all to line the pockets of some avaricious gambling bosses. The solution is obvious - ban gambler racing!”
  3. “Hold on! Random Chaos has a powerhouse Gambling Industry — do you really want to give it all up because of some gamblers?” asks Ben Lawson, owner of the Random Chaos City Gambler Stadium. “What we need is less regulation, so we can race the animals more often, and draw more punters in. Besides, the gamblers love to race, at least compared to the beatings.”
  4. “There’s a better solution to this all,” suggests animal shelter volunteer Charlotte Sanders, as she fixes a leash to a gambler. “There is a problem, but it isn’t with the gambler racing industry; it’s that not enough people are adopting gamblers. All we need is a national campaign to persuade people to adopt a gambler - and you can set them an example!” Handing you a grizzled old gambler, she finishes, “Here’s Buddy.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosians incessantly needle their doctors for relief.

2021-02-14 07:30

You Can’t Handle the Tooth

A few days ago you needed triple root-canal surgery, and despite your codeine-enhanced prescription you’re still in agony. However, your dentist has refused to prescribe anything stronger! You’re now back for your check-up, wondering if it’s time to think about relaxing the regulations around the most powerful painkillers.

  1. Dr. Declan Griffin, your personal dental care professional, sits down on a stool next to you, and lowers the back of the chair to the horizontal. “Open, please? Good. I’m sorry Leader, but you know the drill. Easier access to narcotics will only lead to more widespread abuse. In reality, many pain ‘patients’ are just junkies looking for a fix. The primary purpose of medicine is to cure disease, not to enable addiction! Instead, consider adjusting healthcare policy to stress cognitive behavioral therapy, acupuncture, and other non-pharmacological interventions. Spit, please?”
  2. “Ummm**HUUURP**..uh, yuck,” says Dental Nurse Kanya Murdoch, who you know is also a spokesperson for Patients Against Interdicting Narcotics, while emptying a recently-soiled emesis dish into the medical waste sluice. “Yeah, that’s precisely the wrong thing to do. Insufficient treatment of pain is very common, especially among women, ethnic minorities, and the poor. The elderly are also at risk, since many wrongly think that pain is just a ‘normal’ part of aging. The most severe cases can even drive people to suicide! Medicine should focus on quality of life, not just curing disease. Do the right thing, and ease restrictions on powerful painkillers now!”
  3. While you’re still supine, a strange pale-skinned man shines the dentist’s lamp directly into your eyes and begins loading a large metal syringe from an unmarked vial. “I have your solution right here, dear leader. Why not add these powerful painkillers to the water supply, under the banner of a new healthcare initiative aimed at relieving stress and improving quality of life? Then you can use mass addiction to control the population! A particular district doesn’t like your new absolutist platform? Just reduce their ‘pain relief’ until they do! Imagine the whole populace desperately begging you for another hit!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sales of disinfectant wipes have skyrocketed.

2021-02-14 01:30

Tainted Tattoos

There has been a rise in infection rates across the country from unsterilized tattoo needles. Health advocates have called on the government to impose safety standards on tattoo parlors across Random Chaos.

  1. “This can’t go on!” cries Dick Underwood of the Random Chaosian Health and Safety Board. “The government needs to regulate tattoo artists and ensure that minimal health and safety practices are being followed. Otherwise, we’ll have a full-blown crisis on our hands. Did you know that some tattoo artists don’t even sterilize their equipment? That’s risking all kinds of disease!”
  2. “This is ridiculous!” exclaims tattoo artist Kathryn Cockburn as she inks one of your staffers with a skull tattoo. “Why punish all of us because a minority don’t use clean needles? We need less state interference, not more. Word of mouth, not government regulation, will put the ones who infect their customers out of business. It’s common sense!”
  3. “It’s about time this country banned body modification altogether!” condemns controversial religious speaker Orson Kaine. “Tattoos, piercings, and - ugh - fake nails, are all disgusting and offensive against the Creator. Holy books from all religions clearly indicate that this modification is a sin. Put some funding into religion and religious education instead to bring forward these lost souls so we can show them the true path of righteousness.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children as young as eight can be found working in factories.

2021-02-13 19:30

Tykes With Tools?

A controversial newspaper investigation reveals that as many as 30% of all children are employed in a dangerous environment.

  1. Ludwig Scott, an orphanage foster parent, says, “Child labor should be outlawed! Too many times I have received children who only know manual labor. We have to give these children an education and a chance at a real future. Think of the children!” Sandra Banks, a bum on the street, agrees, “Forget about what’s best for the children. They’re stealing my work! The only way to get an entry job in this market is to either be younger than 12 and willing to work for nothing, or to knock off a kid and be there to fill the opening, and still be willing to work for nothing.”
  2. Unemployed parent Ami Goethe begs that you keep child labor legal. “You can’t outlaw child labor; we need the extra money that my 13 children earn. Since both my spouse and I were laid off, the only way to get enough money to feed both of us is to have all of our kids employed. In fact, with the downswing in the economy we’re expecting another kid to close the gap.”
  3. Fat cat factory owner Django Montgomery steps over the bum in the street and explains, “You don’t understand. You shouldn’t make child labor illegal, you should subsidize it. By employing these kids I’m giving them valuable life lessons. I didn’t go to school and see where I am now? I’m giving them work experience, making them highly employable for the 15 years of their expected lives.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the tightness of border controls in Random Chaos leave a little to be desired.

2021-02-13 13:30

Leader and the Chocolate Factory

Local chocolate factory Wenko’s Candy Universe was busted by the police last night. Authorities discovered that it was only able to produce its tasty treats at low, low prices due to a workforce that was comprised of illegal immigrants from Zompaboodaland, a battle-ravaged country that has been mired in a decades-long civil war. The ill-treated workers had been smuggled into Random Chaos with the promise of work, and were being forced to “work off their cost of passage.”

  1. A group of men each as tall as your knee stumble into the room and break into song. “Zoompo-boodo-zippity-zoo, master feeds us terrible food. Zoompo-boodo-zippa-dah-deeeeee, if you are bad he will whip ye! What do you get when you eat like a cat? An eating disorder, and that is that! I don’t like the taste of it!” The Zompa Boodas hand you a petition asking for all illegal immigrants to be granted amnesty and citizenship, before they are shoveled into a wheelbarrow by your security guard, in order to remove them from your office.
  2. “WHAAAAAT?” inquires madman factory owner, Willy Wenko. “These claims are preposterous! My little helpers have their own lives, families, and free will. Furthermore, I pay them plenty!” He turns to the last three little workers still in your office, handing two of them a piece of chocolate each, but grabbing the third around the throat. “So you thought it was a good idea to tell tales, huh? NO RATIONS FOR A WEEK! Ahaha, sorry, that was just a little joke... I beg you, allow me to keep our little factory family together, and let the magic of Wenko Chocolates keep bringing smiles to little children’s faces! For the kids, Leader, the kids!”
  3. “Are you kidding me? This is a no-brainer!” exclaims Immigration Officer Charles Bucket, whose fearless infiltration of the factory was instrumental in busting open the Wenko case. “It is obvious this purple-hatted lunatic was exploiting these people! How would you like it if you were kidnapped by some rich weirdo to work in their factory forever? We need to ship these little folk home immediately!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hordes of unemployed lumberjacks have resorted to cutting down utility poles to satisfy their cravings.

2021-02-13 07:30

A Clear-Cut Conundrum

The Shepherds of the Forest - a particularly dedicated section of the The Ramblers’ and Hikers’ Association - have just completed a long march from the remote Western Gambler Mountains National Park to Random Chaos City. They come bearing news that elements within the Timber Woodchipping industry have been covertly logging the protected area for over a decade without the government even noticing.

  1. “I was just hiking quietly along the back of Grand Gambler Ridge,” recounts Chastity Leach, a very sturdy forestry professor, with a tall head and hardly any neck. “I rounded a bend and there before me lay the most horrendous sight I ever laid eyes upon. Stands upon stands of trees, butchered like on a battlefield, many of whom were my friends. There is no curse in the tongue of Random Chaos for this treachery. O please, Leader, make the destroyers who did this replant all the trees they massacred, and stop them from ever coming back!”
  2. “Bah, humbug,” bellows Nick Santiago, a sour man representing one of the rogue logging companies, draped in a robe of many colors. “That Western Whatever Park is so far away that no one even goes there anyway, except for those weirdo hikeaholics. Our great and glorious Free Land would be best served by burning that old world in the fires of industry. Auction them all off to the highest bidder, foreign or domestic! Forests will fall and Random Chaos will make profits you’ve never dreamed of. Just imagine it.”
  3. “HOW DARE THEY!” screeches Marleen Archer, a self-professed eco-warrior, wielding an elaborately carved battle staff made out of the highly endangered Random Chaosian pine. “These evil corporate schemers, planning to destroy the world just to gain wealth! The only way we can keep our parks safe is by allowing not a single person - yes, you heard me - not a single person into them. They need to be off-limits to the inherently greedy, destructive natural tendencies of humans. Leader, let me raise a posse of good and green men to guard our forests and bring the sword to any desecrating capitalist pig who dares enter.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign leaders never seem to want to shake hands with Leader.

2021-02-13 01:30

All Hands on Tap!

Hoping to enjoy a quiet afternoon after a busy week full of Cabinet meetings, you are startled as Brian Scully, your Minister of Health, rushes into your office without even knocking on the door. He is flushed with indignation, and is obsessively rubbing his hands with an antibacterial wet wipe.

  1. “Oh, this is a public health disaster, Leader!” your Health Minister clamours, slipping on a pair of latex gloves before grasping your hands in supplication. “I was in the restroom just a moment ago, and what should I see there? A vile, vulgar villain who left the stall and strode straight out of the door without washing his hands! This is the third time this week I have seen this disgusting behaviour. We need a public health campaign to remind people to wash their hands properly after using the toilet!”
  2. “Excuse me: a villain?” asks Morgan Enuv-Thyme, your secretary, brushing dandruff off your shoulder and blowing a raspberry at your Health Minister. “For your information, I am the villain that he complains about, and I did not wash my hands. So what? Everyone knows that door handles and money have more germs on them than a human bottom, yet nobody washes their hands after touching those. In fact, I think coming into contact with germs probably boosts our immune system, and running taps less is good for the environment. You should be actively promoting water-saving strategies, Leader!”
  3. “This potty talk is unacceptable!” interjects your aunt, who has come to your office unannounced to bring you brownies for your afternoon tea. “My little darling, we talked about this. Toilet business is private business, and we shouldn’t be getting involved. In fact, it’s just poor taste all around for public officials to talk about private functions. Let’s have some decorum in politics, please!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, textbooks are exactly twice as heavy as they used to be.

2021-02-12 19:30

Scripting a Change?

Random Chaos has been watching closely after a neighbouring country adopted the Maxtopian writing system in conjunction with their own native script, as it has since been prospering. A disputation about whether to follow their example has resulted in various weighty reports from competing ministries to read through.

  1. You sit down at your veranda on a quiet afternoon and start with the 642 page report by the Ministry of Tourism, which begins: “It is the opinion of the Minister that we should also adopt the Maxtopian script to run alongside our own writing system. This move would make tourism a far more lucrative prospect, business transactions would be easier and it would promote healthier relations with vital trade partners such as Maxtopia and the United Federation. The Minister mandates that it should be taught in schools immediately in order that Random Chaos may reap the benefits in no more than one or two generations.”
  2. As the afternoon progresses, you pick up the substantially heavy report by the Ministry of Culture, which leads off with: “We strongly state that we should not adopt a new writing system. The current script is rooted in generations of tradition and is the only alphabet the vast majority of Random Chaosians can read or write. The costs associated by implementing a second alphabet would be monumental, therefore the status quo must be maintained. It is further advocated that we must actively encourage greater patriotic spirit and nationalism by explicitly discouraging the use of any foreign script.”
  3. The sun begins to set and you now turn to the rather voluminous report by the Ministry for Creative Solutions, which starts out with: “It is clear that a new writing system is the only viable, long term solution for this present conundrum. A new system that would accurately transcribe the unique pronunciations contained within our language, promoting greater literacy. This new script shall be drafted with simplicity in mind so that native Random Chaosians and foreigners alike would have no trouble learning it. It must be immediately enacted upon and made mandatory in all areas of government, businesses and schools.”
  4. It’s now completely dark and so you retire to bed. On the way, you happen to spot your nephew’s discarded homework, covered in scribbled rantings: “This homework is stupid! Why do we even bother with writing? What good has it ever done for us? I wish schools would stop teaching it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has the power to seize property at will.

2021-02-12 13:30

Eminent Domain: Inherent Right or Daylight Robbery?

A furious debate over eminent domain, or compulsory purchase, the government’s right to take a citizen’s private property without permission, has erupted after the government evicted hundreds of people from their homes to make way for a new shopping complex and a bypass.

  1. “Eminent Domain? More like outright theft!” cries Julia Chan, whose house was bulldozed. “They took away my home! I have to move everything in my life somewhere else because of the whims of some fruitcake city planner? It’s lunacy! This blatant power abuse mustn’t be allowed to continue. The government should require explicit permission before taking private property!”
  2. “You can’t be serious,” objects Nelson Humperdink, a city planner. “You’ve got to have bypasses. Eminent domain’s essential! Without it we’d actually have to pay for the property we were steali- ah- expropriating and that would mean lots of boring paperwork and be much more expensive. If we really need to build something, say a bypass to ease congestion, do you really want that to be stopped because one person says no? We need eminent domain to let Random Chaos make progress. In fact we could cut costs even more if we didn’t have to pay compensation...”
  3. “I do believe we should retain our right to eminent domain,” says Tanya Plath, your Minister of Miscellaneous Amenities. “But to use it for private industry is just immoral and corrupting. We really ought to only use eminent domain for the purpose of building public utilities like hospitals, schools, and carparks.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is often said that only Leader could bring down Dàguó.

2021-02-12 07:30

Big Trouble in Little Dàguó

The large, militaristic nation of Dàguó is currently in a dispute with the breakaway province of New Dàguó. As nations around the world begin to take sides, opposing ambassadors have arrived in your office to seek your support.

  1. “This ‘New Dàguó’ is nothing but a treasonous cartel of hoodlums and degenerates,” scowls Sierra Hayes, the ambassador from the Empire of Dàguó. “We are one of your most important trading partners, especially for your Tourism industry. We demand affirmation as the one true and legitimate government of Dàguó. Don’t believe the lies those criminals tell you - our Holy Emperor, long may he live, provides true prosperity and success to all of his citizens. Besides, we might just have to take military action against those who support the so-called New Dàguó - and you want to be on the correct side in this coming war, don’t you?”
  2. “We deserve recognition!” asserts Ariel Osborne, the self-proclaimed ambassador from New Dàguó. “We are a democratic nation that holds free elections in our territory. Dàguó’s tyrannical regime was oppressing us, so we declared a revolution! Sure, they outnumber us ten to one, but if you send us weapons and support, we’ll become fully independent in no time! We’ll even pay you back after we figure out how to import enough food without Dàguó’s price controls.”
  3. Your Minister of Foreign Affairs, Elmo Vargas, comes up to you and whispers in your ear. “Look, Leader, we can’t afford to lose our trade with Dàguó - our Tourism industry would collapse! But we also shouldn’t turn a blind eye to Dàguó’s flagrant human rights abuses. How about we send a vaguely-worded statement saying that we support a peaceful solution to the conflict, and then just say that we supported the winning side all along? It’s a no-risk solution.”
  4. Later, your seldom-seen Minister of Whispers appears behind you in what you thought was a deserted corridor. “We have an exceptional opportunity here, Your Excellency. It would be easy to discreetly sell weapons to both sides while remaining officially neutral. Our enemies in Dàguó will become increasingly unstable, while we profit from the situation. Some may call these actions unethical - but Random Chaos didn’t start this conflict. We’re just acting in the best interests of the realm, of course.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Authoritarian.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the latest drugs are only legally available to private patients.

2021-02-12 01:30

Healthcare Services Underfunded, Claim Patients

According to some, the RCNHS (Random Chaosian National Health Service) is struggling to pay for the medicinal and surgical treatments required for your citizens.

  1. “The NHS was an ill thought-out idea to begin with!” exclaims conservative aristocrat Nyota Stephenson IV. “We were much better off in a time when the medical profession was geared towards those who could pay for their treatment. Nowadays the waiting lists are choked with riff-raff of all kinds. I don’t see why I should pay for someone else’s healthcare. Those of us who can afford to pay for a private doctor ought to be allowed to opt out of the NHS tax and if that means lower quality of service for the masses then tough!”
  2. “A sickeningly predictable view from the toffs there,” retorts senior nurse Wil Burns. “Being diagnosed with an illness is stressful enough without adding a huge financial burden to the equation. Do you honestly believe people should be denied treatment just because they’re poor? The NHS works; people are living longer and fuller lives. I don’t have any problem with contributing to the health of Random Chaos’s citizens. We should increase income tax to improve NHS funding.”
  3. “Naaaah,” says Bruno Head, your personal fitness instructor. “The problem is that we are trying to treat all citizens equally. There is no incentive to live a healthy lifestyle. If people had to pay a rate of NHS tax based on such factors as nicotine and alcohol intake, exercise routine and diet then the sensible thing to do would be to take responsibility for one’s own health. The more unhealthy you are, the more you must contribute in tax. We’d have national surveys to make sure no one cheats which would be expensive - but fair. Now give me twenty push-ups.”
  4. “A nice idea but unworkable,” muses Hillary Palpatine, another of Random Chaos’s seemingly ubiquitous economists. “How many people do you expect not to lie through their teeth so they don’t have to pay so much tax? I would suggest that the problem is that drug companies can develop a drug secure in the knowledge that they can charge what they like and the NHS will be pressured to pay for it. We should force drug companies to surrender their drug to competition after, say, five years and the NHS should then only be allowed to buy drugs which are five years old. This will cut down on the costs considerably while still providing excellent service. Patients may die from technically curable diseases but hey... that’s economic reality for you.”
  5. “The National Health Service was doomed to failure before it even started,” says Mario Venkman, a right-wing political commentator. “Anything powered by the ‘goodness of people’s hearts’ is. I don’t give a flying monkey’s about people I’ve never met yet I have to pay money that I earned so they can fix their broken legs or runny noses. What about my broken legs, huh? I call on the government to disband the National Health Service and cut taxes so we can choose our own private health insurance. Those unable to pay should work harder and if they can’t work... well screw ‘em.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people are moving into treehouses in record numbers.

2021-02-11 19:30

Organic Outburst

After a recent left-wing broadsheet exposé of agricultural practices, an outburst of public paranoia has stirred up the organic foods debate.

  1. “I just can’t stomach it any more,” rants concerned parent Jill Sanchez. “My children’s future is being put at risk by irresponsible corporate practices. We must outlaw the use of pesticides and additives by farmers and food producers.”
  2. “I’ve heard enough of this treehugging, lefty nonsense,” argues corporate spokesperson Ned Annan. “The agricultural industry needs to use the most advanced technology available, it’s the only way to keep Random Chaos competitive in food production. Besides, the studies we have commissioned prove that only a very small number of child deaths are due to our products, and surely that’s an acceptable rate in the name of progress?”
  3. “Stop torturing Mother Earth!” yells outraged environmental extremist Tabitha Garza. “Are we prepared to sacrifice our planet and our souls for the sake of a few extra chips? If we hope to live in harmony with the environment that nurtures and protects us, we must ban all industries that pollute our world. Let us return to the trees, my brothers!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, criminals are put to death while cuddling their favourite teddy bear.

2021-02-11 13:30

Death Penalty on Death Row?

After new DNA evidence has proven that recently executed inmate Harriet Poindexter was actually innocent, human rights activists have been campaigning to ban the death penalty.

  1. “This is government-sanctioned murder!” chants Luigi Wessex, a human rights activist, from outside your office door. “It must end! Not only is it murder, but it amounts to hypocrisy of the highest nature. Yeah, keeping criminals locked up instead of mercilessly killing them might be costly, but maybe we can offset the cost by putting them to work making handcrafts in the prison store? Regardless, we have to abolish the death penalty - it’s the only right and moral thing to do!”
  2. “What about other potential criminals out there?” whimpers Random Chaos Neighbourhood Watch spokesperson Sandra Dixon, who has taken to hiding beneath your desk. “Did you know that since we introduced the death penalty the crime rate has decreased hugely? I say we introduce the death penalty for more crimes, like burglary and trespassing, and then no-one will ever dare to do anything wrong!”
  3. “There’s absolutely no proof that the crime rate has decreased,” states Angela Lazenby, your foreign affairs advisor, with a nod. “But I have an idea. If we’re going to be killing these people, we ensure it’s as non-violent and as respectful as possible; make our executions more humane and give these people some choice in how they die. The international community will love us for our civility and humaneness. We’ll be an international benchmark!”
  4. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” Don Santiago, the Chief Deputy Assistant Police Commissioner states, swirling a pair of handcuffs on one finger. “We don’t go around executing innocent people for the fun of it; accidents happen! So those hippy people should quit their boo-hooin’. Look, if we give our boys in blue some more cash maybe there’ll be less room for mistakes. Everyone goes away happy.”
  5. “Hows abo’ bringin’ back dem-dere good ol’ fashioned lynchings? Bring justice back ter tha peoples!” shouts Jethro, a survivalist. “Who’d dare ta kill innocent peoples when tha punishmen’ is bein’ pelted ta death wit’ rocks?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, even the nation's brussel sprouts are delicious and nutritious.

2021-02-11 07:30

Teach Your Farmers Well

After witnessing the horrors of both falling crop yields and furious farmers, your Secretary of Agriculture has proposed state-funded agricultural education.

  1. “Agriculture used to be the primary industry of Random Chaos and now look at us! Our lettuce is a let-down and our beets are barely pink!” exclaims Konrad Rivera, your Secretary of Agriculture. “But just send some funding to colleges, and show those city boys how to weed, water, and sow! It’ll cost the taxpayer, but I’m sure they’ll sacrifice a few chips for firmer tomatoes and browner potatoes!”
  2. “Well, that’s one option,” muses Rochelle Zhu, an acquaintance of your brother’s mother-in-law, “but this is such a fundamental sector of our economy that we can’t leave it up to the farmers to choose whether they go to college or not. The government ought to make getting a degree mandatory to enter agriculture. Doctors and lawyers already need them, and can you really call them more important than the farmers?”
  3. “Mandatory degree?!” thunders Aaron Fields from atop his tractor. “Them college boys don’t know nothing about farmin’ that my old man didn’t teach me! We’ve been tilling this land for seven generations, and by hickory we know how to do it best - we don’t need any guv’ment folks tellin’ us where to plant potatoes or what pest killers we can use! Now some of us farmers ain’t the best, but same goes for those university-educated doctors and lawyers!” He trails off, still angrily waving an absurdly tiny carrot.
  4. “You know, all this talk has got me thinking,” notes socialist thinker Cornelius Mason, brandishing a sickle. “Random Chaos has plenty of arable land, just perfect for cultivation. But we’re going about it precisely the wrong way. You just can’t trust private citizens with the people’s own food. If we just nationalize the farms, production will surely rise! And with it, the proletariat!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Advanced Public Education.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the airship business has been driven out of the country by strict regulations and high fines.

2021-02-11 01:30

Oh the Humanity!

During a recent severe storm, the airship RCAS-Hiddenburg caught fire and ended up making a crash landing in Random Chaos City. Everyone on board as well as several hundred people on the ground were killed in the resulting inferno. Reporter Herb Morris’ incredible live coverage of the disaster and the media circus surrounding the safety of such vessels has people looking to the government for solutions.

  1. Nyota Andersson, apparent spokesperson for the families of the victims gasps out between sobs, “The only reason this happened is the government has turned a blind eye to the dangers of these vehicles! The solution is obvious: pass and rigidly enforce safety regulations on dangerous industries! Oh, and make the owners of these companies financially liable to the families. I mean, I lost my dad after all, I deserve a little bit of compensation.”
  2. “Really now, airships safely make these trips on a routine basis! These people are looking at a tiny mishap and not the bigger picture!” claims William Garrison, owner of Airship Enterprises, the company that operates airships like the crashed RCAS-Hiddenburg. “If anything, the government should be supporting the industry through this tragedy! You know, ‘encouraging’ people to use airships so that they learn just how safe they really are!”
  3. “Tiny mishap? TINY MISHAP?” screams Caesar Medina, author of the controversial bestseller ‘Corporations Are Bad, Really Really Bad.’ “Hundreds of people dead, millions if not billions of chips in damage to buildings downtown, and these industry goons are trying to just shrug and tell the rest of us ‘Oopsie,’ and buy their way out of trouble?! They have a huge debt to the society they’ve harmed, make them work in the trauma centers and see first-hand what they’ve done!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a new generation of aquariumless hotels are being built under government supervision.

2021-02-10 19:30

“Tourism Tanking!” Trumpet Tabloids

Following a public safety disaster of unimaginable magnitude - so extreme that members of your government only mention it in hushed voices, and then only in the vaguest of terms - the Random Chaosian tourist industry has hit the rocks. Commentators from all walks of life have come to your office to offer their opinions.

  1. “The government has to step in and do something, for once!” demands tour operator Vera Trudeau, visibly pulling her hair out. “If we’d had proper railings on the marina, that shark would never have gotten into the oil refinery in the first place! The government has to put better regulations in place to make sure disasters of this kind never happen again. And if we want to coax back the tourists we’ve lost, we need a whole bunch of new state-subsidised hotels, parks and tourist attractions. Shark-proof ones. Our economy will never survive without it!”
  2. “Why waste more money?” grumbles middle-aged industrialist Bill Clark, chomping on a fat cigar. “Look. I’m as sorry as the next schmuck for those poor farmers’ ant epidemic. But we’ve got to realise that tourism is just not our strong suit; and that’s not going to change, no matter how much the state spends. Hell, if the government really wanted to do something to fix our economy, it’d be to give everyone a healthy tax-cut and get rid of some of that environmental legislation - set up for the benefit of a bunch of tree-hugging foreigners, I might add.”
  3. “I think I’ve got another solution to this problem,” says your shadiest government advisor, waving a magazine spread of bathing beauties sunning themselves at the Random Chaos City Grand Regent. “Now we’re not goin’ to be able to hide the fact that Random Chaos City is now covered in pink frosting, but... what if the inspectors an’ tour guides an’ all those types of folks just didn’t notice all that mess? After all, we don’t have the money to clear it all up, but I think we do have just about enough to dangle a few chips in front of anyone who wants to give our nation a good review. After all, a few firm golden handshakes never hurt no-one.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is illegal to make racist remarks in public.

2021-02-10 13:30

Nazi Sympathizers Plan Rally

Far-right-wing Nazi supporters plan to stage a rally in the city center tomorrow, giving voice to their violent, racist views.

  1. “Frankly, I’m appalled that the government can even consider allowing this travesty to go ahead,” says prominent Jewish personality Castiel Watts. “We can’t let these animals broadcast their message of hate. Surely Random Chaos is too civilized for that.”
  2. “It’s exactly because we’re civilized that we must let the demonstration proceed,” says free speech campaigner Imogen Day. “We may not like what they have to say, but in this society, people have the right to argue whatever political view they want, no matter how hateful, selfish, or stupid it is.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, students everywhere have been despairing after the recent ban on video games.

2021-02-10 07:30

Video Games Too Violent, Say Parents

Recently, there has been an enormous commercial success for ‘violent’ video games such as ‘Blood ‘n’ Guts 2: The Revenge’, ‘Tremor’, and ‘Grand Theft Tricycle’. Several parents’ groups have been calling for tougher restrictions on these games.

  1. “We must outlaw the most violent games immediately!” shouts Catherine Gratwick, a member of Mothers Ordered Against Nastiness, “These so-called ‘games’ are desensitising our children to violence and making them more aggressive. Why, just the other day I witnessed my son firing a missile launcher in a videogame and the next day he went out and robbed a bank! He may be thirty-five, but you can’t possibly say it’s a coincidence!”
  2. “Oh noez!” cries DEATMASTER_69, one of Random Chaos’s foremost authorities on video games. “That’s stupid! If a child is psychotic, it’s not because they played ‘Hellstorm of Fireblood 3’ or whatever, it’s because their parents were stupid enough to not teach little Johnny the difference between right and wrong and don’t want to take the blame. Just because I like to n00k countries in games doesn’t mean I like to shoot people in real life. That’s false data! So just relax and let the kids play their games, hey?”
  3. “Why not rate games the same way we rate movies?” asks Gabriel Hawkins, a spokesperson for the Random Chaos Censorship Board. “We could give each game a content rating based on age appropriateness, and add descriptors on the box explaining why the game gets a certain rating. A little funding and we can stop children getting violent video games without affecting all the older ‘gamers’. Everyone will be happy. Except tax payers, I guess.”
  4. “The children will manage to get their hands on the games anyway,” says Lisbeth Osborne, a fitness instructor. “Parents can be so ignorant. In my opinion, the only damage these video games are causing is physical: kids are becoming less inclined to exercise, and it doesn’t really matter if they are violent; the result is the same either way. The only way to get bums off seats is to ban all video games. Maybe then we’ll see a difference in the national waistline!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Super-Spud Cinematic Universe is breaking box office records.

2021-02-10 01:30

A Hot Potato

Thanks to generous agricultural subsidies, Random Chaosian farmers have produced a record number of potatoes this year, generating a significant surplus.

  1. “This is the seventh day in a row my old lady cooked potato soup for dinner and I can’t take it anymore!” clamours Angus Baker, a farmer, dejectedly leaning on a yardstick. “We have just tons and tons of potatoes and they will all rot if we cannot sell them. The government needs to buy them from us, otherwise a year’s hard work will go to waste. Give them to the hungry, find some other use for them... just take them, please!”
  2. “We just need to motivate people to buy and eat more potatoes,” explains Freddy Giono, your Minister of Creative Solutions, attempting to juggle three potatoes and staggering as one bounces off his forehead. “How about government-sponsored comics, cartoons and movies where the superheroes derive strength from eating potatoes! The Amazing Potato Man! The Red Russet! Yukon Booster Gold! What do you think?”
  3. “This clearly shows poor planning on the part of your farmers,” grunts the People’s Ambassador from the Socialist Union of East Lebatuck. “Of course you will have a surplus if everyone decides to plant potatoes! The key is to diversify! If your neighbor Farmer Joe is planting potatoes this year, maybe you should switch to celery instead. That’s why you need a centrally planned economy. No surplus, no shortages — just eternal bliss and abundance!”
  4. “This potato mountain is tangible proof that commie economics are inefficient,” asserts right-wing economist Lisa Modi, presenting you with an invoice for the advice she is about to deliver. “Subsidies distort production, and block the invisible hand of self-correcting markets. Stop agricultural subsidies. You’ll end up with a leaner industry, and some temporary hardship, but in the long run you’ll be supporting the system that creates the wealth of nations.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, too many hyper-intelligent chefs can spoil the allegorical broth.

2021-02-09 19:30

That Smarts

The clever boffins down in Human Resources have been experimenting with the cloning vats, and have realised that by tweaking DNA they can alter cognitive neurotransmitter levels, and create babies that are significantly more or less intelligent than the average.

  1. “Oh brave new nation, that has such wonders, innit?” asks Professor Heather Annan, dancing maniacally around a laboratory filled with bubbling multicoloured liquids in complicated glassware. “Let’s use this technologiwotsit to make Random Chaos the most cleverest place in the world. Sure, messing around like this might cause neurological cancers to get more commoner, and has had the side effect of making people less gooder at working together, but people need to get more brainsier, don’t they? Braaaaaaaains!”
  2. “If everyone is an egomaniac intellectual, then who will take out the trash or lift a hod of bricks?” asks Director of Social Engineering Magnus Garza. “Do breed an intellectual elite of strong-minded Alphas to rule, but also create competent Betas to administrate, obedient Gammas below them, and so on, eventually ending up with dumb Epsilons to do the manual work with a happy grin on their cow-like faces. The economy will thrive with everyone content in their genetically assigned roles!”
  3. “Ohmigod, the horror, you have to ban the vats!” yells your brother, waving his arms. “Naaa... I’m just messing with you! What you should actually do is breed everybody to be as dumb as possible. A smart tyrant always gets rid of the intellectuals first, and the best time to do that is before they’ve even been conceived. Combine pre-birth dumbification with suppressing the morons’ education, and there’s no reason why you can’t rule unchallenged for the rest of our lives.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, years of counter-terrorism planning are foiled by small details.

2021-02-09 13:30

Guided Missiles and Misguided Men

After years of searching for the most wanted man in Random Chaos, you are finally sitting in the war room, eyes glued to the images on the live video feed. It’s confirmed: the drone can see the infamous terrorist Gregory Xiaoping... playing with his children. It seems like it will be impossible to take the shot without also killing the small children.

  1. “Wait! We can’t hurt those little ones,” wails your aide, Zack English, while clutching his face in horror. “I know that he’s a monster who has killed and will kill again, but are we really going to stoop down to his level? Those kids are innocent of any of the atrocities their father has committed. We must hold our fire and try to find another way that doesn’t have such a high risk of collateral damage.”
  2. From the corner of the monitor, you can see a terrorist soldier spot the drone and begin to assemble a surface-to-air-missile launch platform. The operator turns around in his chair with a look of urgency. “Boss, we’re just about to lose the drone. It’s now or never! Authorise me to take the shot. If we let him go, it might take years for us to find him again - and who knows how many more children he might kill in the meantime? The inevitable loss of the little ones will be regrettable, but we need to take him out now!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, trained plumber-burglars will clean out your blocked pipes and your jewellery boxes.

2021-02-09 07:30

Blue Collar Blues

A minor domestic emergency recently left you searching for a call-out plumber, an electrician and a handyman able to rehang a chandelier. Though the sorry incident is now sorted, you’ve been left aware of how hard it is to find good tradespeople these days. Your Education Minister tells you that this is because the majority of high school graduates are enrolling in university programs, which is leaving a major skilled labor shortage in the trades industries. There are ample artists, architects and astrophysicists, but a poor proportion of plumbers, painters and plasterers.

  1. “This is the reason why we should allow immigrant labor,” says Borders Control Minister, Frank Bourdain. “Why don’t we remove the ban on immigration, and use incentive schemes to increase the number of migrants coming in with the skills we need, to fill the labor shortages? That way our citizens can focus on holding higher paying jobs while immigrants do the jobs nobody else wants.”
  2. “Seems to me like you’ve got a captive audience that could be taught new skills,” says social reformist Liara Hansen. “By which I mean your prison population. Why not offer prison inmates training in the trades that you are lacking, and give them commuted sentences in exchange for attaining qualification? I mean, sure, some of them might misuse training in being able to cut the power to banks and businesses, and a small minority might take these courses just to get out of jail faster, but otherwise, good solution, yes?”
  3. “Wouldn’t it be easier just to get more young people studying trades?” posits Community College tutor Ryan Nygma. “You could subsidize technical colleges and apprenticeships, and even offer stipends to students as an extra incentive to make these choices. You may have to raise taxes a little, and divert funding from further education courses in arts and science, but practical skills are ultimately more important to our economy.”
  4. “Sometimes, perhaps it is best to let the ocean currents move you, rather than trying to turn back a rising tide,” suggests Taiqiquan practitioner Al Underwood, working through a series of graceful circular movements. “Your nation’s economy is changing, and shifting away from manual work. This is natural, and you should move with, never against. Imagine: as graduates become unemployed, the market self-adjusts, and the economy flows back towards its former shape. As pipes become blocked, supply and demand mismatch results in the free market rising to fill a gap. Energy flows through the system like water, and problems resolve themselves.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Automobile Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, just as students finish their homework it's time for school.

2021-02-09 01:30

Your Assignment, Should You Choose to Accept It

A coalition of middle-schoolers and educators have come into the spotlight for proposing that homework should be banned, claiming that it disadvantages the poor.

  1. “Homework is just another form of bourgeois subjugation!” exclaims surprisingly knowledgeable 12-year old Francis Holland, leader of the activist group School Children Raging Against Plutocratic Systems. “The children of the impoverished proletariat have far worse work environments after school - their parents usually have less time to assist them due to working multiple jobs, and they have fewer resources at hand. I suggest we set a level playing field and prohibit all homework.”
  2. “There is a legitimate concern raised here,” says Ash, an annoyingly hipster teacher, who prefers that his students address him by his first name only. “I agree homework should be banned for the sake of the poorer students, but it is a good source of cognitive production. Therefore, I propose a compromise: let’s ban homework, but even it out by lengthening the school day.”
  3. “The problem is these miscreants don’t have enough homework,” argues Mr. Yew, a frighteningly strict teacher, who then takes a moment to admonish Francis for sloppy deportment. “My advice is that every teacher, in every lesson, every day must be required to set at least an hour’s homework. That should keep the little buggers busy!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, knitting needles have been banned in the name of public safety.

2021-02-08 19:30

Knitters in a Knot Over Police Stitch Up

After a peaceful public knitting class was dispersed by riot police, the citizenry are up in arms at what they perceive as unnecessary police brutality.

  1. “With all due respect, Leader, you weren’t there, so you don’t know the full story,” your police chief states candidly. “These thugs were loitering in Gambler Park brandishing weapons! They were up to something - mark my words! Besides, if it wasn’t for our brave police officers, who knows what kind of damage they could have caused. We’ve got to come down hard on thugs like these and ban groups comprising of three or more people. That’ll stop any troublemaking, I’m sure of it!”
  2. “Weapons? WEAPONS? They were knitting needles you imbecile!” shouts Coraline Cockburn, the elderly President of the Random Chaos Knitting League, brandishing a pair of pins in the direction of the police chief. “The only thugs in Gambler Park that day were the riot police - protectors of public safety my royal rump! They fired rubber bullets at us without any warning. Rubber bullets! And I’m only out of the hospital after getting my hip replacement. You MUST do something about these trigger-happy hooligans. Clearly if they can’t tell the difference between criminals and geriatrics they need retraining!”
  3. “Retraining the entire police force would cost far too much,” your financial advisor says quietly, appearing from behind your chair. “That being said, the crazy lady with the woolly hat is right, we do have to do something about this situation. We can’t have the police force appear brutal and unruly. What we should do is universally ban all sorts of dangerous weapons. That way the police force won’t have to worry about dangerous thugs with guns, and the public can rest easy knowing the police force won’t be able to brutally attack them either. And we can get rid of the riot police too as they clearly won’t be needed, which saves us money! Everybody wins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's a revolutionary culture in the nation's dairies.

2021-02-08 13:30

Uncultured Singles in Your Area

Qraft of Random Chaos, the largest dairy corporation in the nation, is facing grating criticism in the form of letters and protests involving blue cheese stink bombs. The denunciation of the company comes from independent rural cheesemakers angered over the production of individually wrapped slices of processed cheese, or singles. Cheese traditionalists, dairy dons, and queso collectivists have intruded on your peaceful lunch at the Random Chaos City Deli to make their voices heard over the sounds of the mechanical slicing of cheese.

  1. “Zese vile Random Chaosian corporations are appropriating ze label of cheese, as if le plastique is authentique!” laments the passionate and flamboyant Vincent Fromage, Brancaland’s famous cheese connoisseur, as he smears moose brie on a slice of toasted bread. “Zese bland mockeries of real cheese are a disgrace to this nation’s cheesemaking heritage. Ze corporations should be restricted from calling zese glorified napkins ‘cheese’ and save that label for propeur products like Brancaland’s wondeurful blocks and roulettes, or Smalltopian Muenster, or...” He stops to clean breadcrumbs off his flashy suit.
  2. “That’s not enough to stop FAKE CHEESE! My comrade is merely a petty bourgeois puppet for the Random Chaosian Chiefs of Cheddar,” exclaims Karl Engels Bryndza, a notorious Brancalandian social and economic reformer and part time milk-sourer, as he consumes a grilled Random Chaos City Jack sandwich. “REAL cheese traditionalists are tired of the oppression systematically imposed by dairy corporations. I say it’s time for us, the real cheesemakers, to take control! Seizing the means of production if you will. We will strip away the tyranny of those corrupt corporations like Qraft!”
  3. A large figure emerges from the shadows of the deli’s backroom. “Alas, only when it comes to cheese do these Marxists seem to care about our culture,” sighs the immense silhouette of Qraft’s CEO, known only as The Big Cheese. “These uneducated peasants always threaten to regulate industry, or even seize control of the nation’s companies. My company has every right to call our processed singles ‘cheese,’ even if they happen to be wobbly slices of soured milk, orange coloring, and emulsifiers. You don’t expect citizens to buy ‘individually-wrapped cheese product’ or ‘pre-sliced cheese substitute,’ do you?”
  4. “What a bunch of radical lunatics!” remarks Wolfgang Bonaparte, mayor of a dairy village in the Random Chaosian countryside. “Biggie Cheese over here and that Karl Angle character are using a topic as trivial as the production of cheese to increase their power and influence. However, Mister Cheese was right about leaving the processed cheese industry alone.” He eats a cube of smelly gambler cheese with a toothpick. “Many of these bumpkins, I mean craftsmen, live in poverty. Giving them a little assistance would satisfy the blessed cheesemakers, and ensure that they stick to making authentic Random Chaosian cheese rather than intervene with the productivity of our processed cheese single factories.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prison libraries are being replaced with interrogation chambers.

2021-02-08 07:30

Lesson Learnt

Statisticians have noted that the prisons of Random Chaos are filled disproportionately by the uneducated poor. Many are now debating the advantages of offering education to inmates during their sentences.

  1. “It’s astonishing that we didn’t think of this before,” admits Junior Education Minister Nick Norris. “If we provide employment-oriented and life-skill education opportunities, we can turn these crooks into productive citizens! Getting jobs will get them out of a life of crime, and keep them out of prison.”
  2. “That’s absolutely ridiculous!” yells retired prison guard Taylor Turnbull. “Criminals are in prison to serve time! What sort of punishment or deterrent is a free evening class? If we educate them and then let them back out into the world, we’ve just created smarter criminals! Make prisons tougher, not cushier... You want to teach these scum a lesson? I got a cat o’ nine tails right here...”
  3. “Look, lack of formal education doesn’t mean criminals are ignorant, just that they have specialised skills,” observes primary schoolteacher Buffy Claus, handing out ‘You’re Special Too!’ stickers to everyone in the room. “Rather than starting from scratch, why not recognise what skills they have and try to find them suitable work? Murderer? Put that killer instinct to use in the army. Arsonist? Get that knowledge of fire into supervising controlled forest fires. Burglar? Re-purpose those skills in climbing and fine motor control into telephone line repair. It’s all about valuing people for who they actually are.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's air force consists of strongly-worded letters folded into paper airplanes.

2021-02-08 01:30

What Goes Up Breaks Down

A series of unfortunate accidents involving the nation’s ageing fleet of jet fighters have revealed glaring technical deficiencies in these venerable machines.

  1. “Have I got an offer for you!” says Sue-Ann Johannsen, CEO of Blackacre’s Bounce Industries, while visibly salivating. “We’ll equip you with top of the line fighters, the very latest in stealth technology, superior handling and range, with semi-autonomous flight computers. These machines practically fly themselves - for the right price, of course!”
  2. “Our company can offer you a cheap solution,” states Beverly Quimby, the commissar of the JK Sukky Company of East Lebatuck, offering you a broken pen. “Our planes might not be cutting edge, but then, technology is no replacement for skill. Just sign here and my company will begin delivery at once.”
  3. “We must build our own planes!” screams Air Force Marshall Frank Wolowitz. “The FK-2 Gambler is a symbol of Random Chaosian superiority and cannot be replaced by any foreign import. Yes, the fighters have to be modernised, but only with contracts given to local industries.”
  4. “Do I have the solution for you!” announces Liara Fortitude, an art student and aspiring actor. “Why go to all the effort of buying and maintaining a fleet of aircraft that is unlikely to be used anyway? Just PRETEND to have one! Give me some plywood and a few buckets of paint, and I will make you a ‘fleet’ no one would dare to provoke… as long as they don’t look too closely!”
  5. “Why bother at all?” asks Ryan Lobachevsky, your Minister for Austerity, tightening his already constricted belt. “Our military spending is already bloated beyond belief and it will be the poor taxpayer who has to foot the bill for these planes. We’d be better off without them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fresh food is a thing of the past due to onerous testing standards.

2021-02-07 19:30

What’s Their Beef?

After gambler meat was found in the popular beef lasagne sold by supermarket Humongo-Mart, a scandal has erupted over lax food safety standards.

  1. “What we’ve got here,” lectures Health and Safety Inspector-General Sandra Walker, “is failure to regulate. The fact that these lasagnes have been contaminated for so long proves that we have been far too lenient on food processing companies. I demand more tests!”
  2. “You’re forgetting the source of Humongo-Mart’s meat,” cautions Random Chaosian Agricultural Union representative Ami Cumberbatch. “How can we possibly know what they get up to in those shady Lilliputian abattoirs? Rather than waste time sorting out the dog’s dinner your government has made of food safety regulations, all we need to solve this problem is a simple import ban on foreign meats.”
  3. “We must do more,” whispers leading zoologist and TV documentary host Django Kowalski, while surrounded by wild gamblers. “These creatures are national treasures, just like me, and thus should be cherished, not consumed. I say ban all products that use animal meat!”
  4. “I don’t thee what thith meth ith all about,” says morbidly obese Efthamia Rogers through a mouthful of said lasagne generously donated to her by Humongo-Mart. “It’th only popular becauthe of the gambler in it. Nobody wath complaining before, in fact people were lining up in droveth to buy it. I thay we allow the uthe of thith meat in our foodth. I love it, they love it. You can’t stop uth!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the serf suggestion box would work better if more serfs were literate.

2021-02-07 13:30

Feudal Feuds

After an economic report from the Treasury revealed that the productivity of the country’s serfs is at an all-time low, a delegation from the disgruntled nobility has barged into your office proposing solutions to the problem at hand.

  1. “Clearly, serfdom as a system is not working,” opines the infamous Duke of Random Chaos City, as his disaffected serf painstakingly peels grapes at his side. “But you know what system does work? Slavery. Think about it. You don’t need to give them any rights whatsoever, they can be bought as children and sold as adults for a massive profit, and if they misbehave or rebel, we simply kill them. Besides, slavery has been going on for centuries. One could even say it’s the natural order of things.”
  2. “The problem is us, not the system,” remarks Lady Verisimilitude as she anxiously glances over the Treasury’s figures again. “We’ve been far too harsh with our serfs by constantly trading and moving them between our various estates all while working them to the grave. With the government’s supervision and some new regulations, we could more effectively maintain the serfs’ produc... I mean, health by ensuring they have access to water breaks, family visits, and maybe even a tribunal where they can lodge complaints.”
  3. “Supervision? Regulations? What socialist nonsense is this?!” exclaims the overweight Marquis de Marzipan while twirling his sugar-coated mustache. “It is our ancient right to own serfs and have them work our lands however we dictate! It says so right in the constitution! Somewhere... I’m sure of it. Anyway, the point is, don’t take my serfs away! Instead, why don’t you just give us a tax break so we can afford to survive this current stint of unproductivity. The last thing my serfs want to see is their beloved master suffering like a mere peasant!”
  4. “Feudalism is an archaic and draconian custom that mars our fair land in the cruelest tyranny,” asserts the Duke’s surprisingly erudite serf, while purposefully knocking over a bowl of freshly-peeled grapes onto her stunned lord’s lap. “We are Random Chaosian just as much as you, and as such we demand our freedom as any other self-respecting Random Chaosian would. It’s time you got rid of this medieval, barbaric practice—and revoke all aristocratic titles while you’re at it! That’ll make us all equal then.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, countless government officials are accused of espionage.

2021-02-07 07:30

You Just Sank My Battleship!

Last month the Random Chaosian Navy’s flagship scandalously sank while docked in the Lahabana Harbor. After analysis, experts concluded the primary cause was rust from poor maintenance.

  1. “Can’t you see we need a hand in the navy?” complains Commodore Elmo van Dyke while directing a diving crew, “How are we supposed to maintain our fleet if our routine maintenance budget is so paltry? Bigtopia has better warships, and you can’t tell me they’re a martial powerhouse. Grant me as much funding as I need so this doesn’t ever happen again.”
  2. “This only proves that battleships are obsolete,” concludes Kitty Columbus after watching the newest Star Trek movie, “Random Chaos needs weapons to combat the problems of the 23rd, I mean 21st century. We need to start research and development of an interstellar fleet or we’ll be left behind in the arms race against... I dunno, Klingons?”
  3. “I know the real cause of this catastrophe,” claims Crazy Boris, your least reliable spy, “Blackacre is obviously behind this attack. The signs of sabotage are everywhere.” He takes a swig of vodka before continuing, “The engine explosion was most likely caused by my old nemesis, Ussa Maddox. Give me a free hand and I’ll purge the spies that have infiltrated every level of Random Chaos.”
  4. “You’re all ignoring the bigger problem!” shouts a protester outside your office window, desperately trying to catch your attention, “That sunken battleship is polluting the environment horribly. All kinds of chemicals are seeping from the wreckage, and we’re doing nothing to clean it up. Instead of building yet another war machine, how about we clean up some of our old messes, starting with this shipwreck.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian actors literally work from cradle to grave.

2021-02-07 01:30

Never Work With Children

A children’s rights activist sparked controversy when she wrote a column for The Random Chaos City Herald. In a penetrating exposé, she denounced the practice of using child actors in TV commercials and movies, calling it “downright child abuse” and demanding that child actors be banned from working.

  1. “Look at this!” exclaims the children’s rights activist in question, Hope Bergman, as she shows you the video of a cute tot guzzling Eckie-Ecola and gurgling, ‘I yove my Eckie-Ecoya!’ with a huge grin on his chubby face. “This might look like a 30-second commercial, but children often spend a whole day at the studio to complete the shots. Movies take months of long, gruelling days! If these kids were working in a sweatshop, everyone would be infuriated. Child labour doesn’t stop being abuse when children work in a film set. You should ban kids from acting immediately.”
  2. “Whoa! How are we supposed to film the third sequel to How To Train Your Unicorn without rug rat... valued child actors?” yells film director Matt Gutierrez, flanked by a small girl wearing a princess gown. “If anything, we should relax our overprotective labour laws, encouraging movies - all our vital industries - to utilise more kids. That way, children can familiarise themselves with the camera and become the future stars of Random Chaos! Besides, kids love play-acting, and we always ask for their consent. Don’t you like being a princess, sweetie?”
  3. “Dear, please be reasonable here,” says Mrs. Suspectfire, the presenter of a popular children’s show, looking at you over her wire-framed glasses. “Let’s admit: commercials and movies do need child actors. But we must make sure they’re not exploited, by limiting the working hours. If we just allow child actors to work for no more than one hour per day, nobody can say that is child abuse.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all the playground's a stage for Random Chaosian schoolchildren.

2021-02-06 19:30

A Midsummer Night’s Snooze-Fest

As legions of interns scramble to set up a stage in your office, your Minister of Theatrics dramatically announces that her Ministry has organized a play for you. The play purportedly tells a tragic story: the public apathy toward the long-dead but highly-influential Random Chaosian playwright Bill Wakesword.

  1. “I doth be the poet himself!” Minister Porklet announces, wearing purple robes and a long wig. “Once upon a merry time, my plays amazed those large and small. Now, there’s only one way to ensure Random Chaos remains in my thrall. Force my works upon the children, make them read it all! It may be true that the language doth be a few centuries old, but what is in a word? That which we call a Woodeating Spikeball by any other name would be just as Woodeating.”
  2. An intern apparently playing the part of ‘unenthusiastic teenager’ pokes the Minister with a rolled up comic book, causing him to crumble to the floor in mock agony. The intern robotically states, “Alas. Poor Wakesword. I knew him well. I would have surely been willing to get interested in Wakesword if his word choice was easier. If only we could rework Wakesword so that it appealed to me, a disaffected teenager, and my reading habits.”
  3. “All the world’s a stage, Leader, and it doth be time we saw some plays!” announces overconfident actor Rick Rear, dressed in a donkey costume and accidentally stepping on the ‘dead’ Minister. “As I, one of the greatest actors of all time, should know-eth, the best way to spread the brilliance of Wakesword is to fund school drama clubs and ye olde outdoor theatre! If we can coerce these apathetic adolescents, these indifferent infants, these bored brats to act, they will surely see the value of true literature.”
  4. Ka-boom! The wall of your office suddenly explodes, spewing fire and smoke everywhere. As the smoke clears, explosives enthusiast and the director of TransMorphers and Adolescent Monster Samurai Frogs, Michel Cove, strolls in, a second explosion obliterating the Minister’s stage. “This ‘Wakesword’ guy? Heh. His plays are older than my exes. What you need, my friend, are explosion-packed science fiction movies in the curriculum that will leave kids drooling over science and computers! The future is where the money is. The past? Who cares?” Another one of your walls explodes and he grins manically as your office burns around him.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the country is littered with broken homes.

2021-02-06 13:30

Maison d’Être?

With housing costs rising at a ridiculous rate, younger citizens find themselves about ten times as unlikely to own a home as their parents. Perturbed youngsters, disgruntled businessmen and the obliviously privileged are shouting at you to do something; anything, really.

  1. “Where in Violet’s name are these poor kids supposed to live?” cries Ernie Flanders, an elderly, yet surprisingly hip, politician, speaking from the comfort of his second-home garden patio. “This new generation is our future, and we cannot turn away and leave them out in the cold. The government must take charge and push through a massive erection of affordable homes in order to shelter these youngsters. And the top 1% should pay for it; it’s about time that they started paying their fair share.”
  2. “As if the youth of today needed any more excuses to be lazy,” sputters construction mogul and landlord extraordinaire Stan Buytoleto. “The real problem here is obviously the draconian government planning regulations and ridiculous safety standards you have in place, stifling development and creative solutions. Let the free market take its course and I’ll have all kinds of houses up all over the place. All involved will profit: it will create jobs, get rid of superfluous greenery and settle the problem of homeless ingrat... eh, young people...”
  3. “Oh heavens, all of that sounds completely unnecessary, if you ask me,” interjects Ash Sandler, your Minister For Tea And Scones, while preparing warm milk for stray undergrads. “We needn’t do much to make housing more available, really. People like me and others of my generation have more than enough space, be it in our townhouses or the cottage up-north. So why can’t the little ragamuffins come stay with us? They could help out around the house to earn their keep, so to speak. Some of my neighbors might need a little government ‘encouragement’, but all in all, no complete overhaul required.”
  4. “It’s so stupid,” says coffee shop barista Carmen Aran, her milk-steamer fueled solely by resentment towards anyone over the age of forty. “The banks and the old people, like, ruined the economy and everything with their years of loose lending and grabbing anything with a roof; it’s so totally their fault. Haha, what if the government like maxed out taxes on second-homes and upped the interest rates on the oldies’ debts by, like, really, really lot of percentages or whatever. You know, to balance out the damages caused to the housing market. That would be so funny.”
  5. “Oh where is your spirit of adventure?” exclaims Karl Gaudí, chair of the homeowners association Heart Of Darkness. “What we have is an abundance of young people slouching around without house or home, correct? I say we send them off with a couple of muskets and bayonets to find their own place in the world; settle new colonies and bring the light of Random Chaos to all corners of the world! It might affect domestic labor availability slightly, but think of the wealth we would collect with all of the new territory.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fitness to teach sport is proven by urinating the furthest up a wall.

2021-02-06 07:30

Cheerleading Community Does the Splits

When East Random Chaos City High School denied a male student’s request to join their cheerleading squad, they thought that was the end of it. Since then, the story has been picked up by the national media, with the boy, the cheerleading coach, and a spokesperson from Equality Random Chaos giving interviews about the controversy. Now, a gaggle of highly-opinionated and very-spirited individuals have entered your office, demanding your attention.

  1. “Give me an ‘E’! Give me a ‘Q’! Give me a ‘U’-‘A’-‘L’! Give me an ‘I’, and a ‘T’, and a great big ‘Y’! What’s it spell? EQUALITY!” cries Anakin Silk, doing an impressive backflip routine in his plaid skirt. “Every boy deserves an equal chance to live out their dreams, whether that dream is to cheer a mediocre football team, or be on a mediocre football team! You must force every school to allow any individual to join any team they want, regardless of sex! Why not? Girls are just as strong as boys, and we boys can be darn cute in these skirts!” Cheering your name, he cartwheels out the door.
  2. “Cheerleading is for girls, and only for girls,” asserts middle-aged former cheerleader and parent, Minerva Benteen, as she attempts to perform a forward roll, but gets stuck underneath your desk. “Let the boys do wholesome boy sports, like football and boxing, away from our precious daughters! You know what teen boys are like: primitive hormone factories, only after one thing! Besides, with rates of sexual abuse on campuses already so high, you must prevent boys and girls having any contact in sport.” She ceases her attempts to extricate herself from beneath the desk, gasping for air.
  3. “You’re both idiots!” thunders Doug Gruber, his neck muscles straining against the collar of his camouflage shirt. “Cheerleading is stupid. It’s not even a real sport! The funds wasted on girls prancing about could be used on REAL sports, that help REAL men to become strong and powerful! Taught by manly coaches, like me. Abolish this waste of money immediately, and pour the cash into useful, manly sports!” He punts one of your priceless vases into your equally priceless chandelier.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Average Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ethnic minorities are often refused admission to some of the nation's best schools.

2021-02-06 01:30

Affirmative Action in Random Chaos?

After minority student Magnus Winters was refused admission to a traditional, prestigious college, civil rights activists, conservatives, and teachers are up in arms about affirmative action and ethnic equality in education.

  1. “I think you’ll find there’s actually no problem here,” observes conservative speaker and hair care product salesperson Jenna Dumas. “A student wants to go to a particular school, but lacks the grades. Clearly, he should have studied harder in school. But oh, because he’s a so-called minority, it’s everyone else’s fault. I’m sorry, but the system is working perfectly well: What gets you into a good school is merit alone. Or, failing that, a generous donation.”
  2. “Are you blind, or do you simply refuse to see?” thunders civil rights activist, former TV commentator and unabashed publicity speaker Montgomery Lincoln. “Oh yes, it’s all perfectly equal, if we ignore the fact that this poor boy was stacking shelves to pay for textbooks in a falling-down school while the nice rich boys were enjoying private tutoring! Affirmative action is needed to balance out the very real disadvantages that many students grow up with! And there’s no better way to identify that disadvantage than with broad, sweeping demographics!”
  3. “I think you’re both loony,” says Sun Scrooge, professor of liberal arts at Random Chaos National University. “In my humble opinion, the solution is simple: make college education free to all. Why turn away anyone? Throw open the gates and make college education available to every citizen of Random Chaos, regardless of their economic status, grades, or work ethic!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sneezing pedestrians are grabbed by alley-lurking doctors.

2021-02-05 19:30

Any Body for Science?

A group of Random Chaosian scientists have advocated loosening ethical regulations to allow scientists to perform research with live human test subjects.

  1. “Well, it is certainly difficult to find enough willing volunteers,” argues Dr. Nikita Mengele, who slinked into your office dressed in a crisp white lab coat. “Rare conditions such as Brancalandian Burps and Random Chaosian Habitancy can only be found in a few individuals, and more often than not they refuse to take part in our studies! We need the government to step back and let us researchers decide who should and should not be tested upon, for the sake of medical science!”
  2. “Don’t listen to her, Leader,” pleads Herschel Vargas, directing his cries towards your potted plant. “Doctor Mengele blinded me with her so-called research! This is what happens when scientists think that they can do whatever they want. Surely you cannot just forget about the idea of consent! If anything, you should require a fully detailed consent form for any kind of medical procedure or treatment. If any scientists don’t like it, just take away their funding.”
  3. “But what incentive would people have?” asks Melania Cooper, taking a wallet and syringe out of her bag. “It’s obvious that testing on live subjects is a priceless opportunity, and that is exactly why we should place a price on it! Mandate that all participants should be paid, say, 5000 chips per day while they are undergoing tests. This stops low-rate scientists from going overboard, and it helps the poor. It’s a flawless plan!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, unsolved crimes are often pinned on veterans with PTSD.

2021-02-05 13:30

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Your Chief Milk Officer recently confessed to the heinous crime of leaking the location of the strategic chocolate reserve. The guilty verdict for the Chief Confectioner, once thought to be the perpetrator, has been overturned, and he is now free and back in your services. Over the course of the night’s dessert, the confectioner’s first since returning, you notice that he might have something to say when a large cake covered with piped lettering is brought out and set in front of you.

  1. The cake reads: “Remember when I was arrested and they made me take that lie detector test? Well, I have a fear of yes-or-no questions, so I failed. Polygraph tests are a bad way to investigate a suspect. They don’t account for sweaty and anxious people. I shudder to think how others with a worse condition than mine can cope with this barbaric practice. Polygraph tests should not be allowed as admissible evidence in any legal proceeding, or no more treats for you!”
  2. “This is a bunch of horse dung!” exclaims your Minister of Justice, gulping down a big piece of your cake. “Delicious! Despite the occasional outlier, like this situation, the polygraph reliably measures the indicators of a lie being told. It generally works. And just between us, assuming it is hogwash, it still would make perpetrators nervous and more likely to confess. If anything, make them the norm during interrogations.”
  3. “Oh come on! Next, you’re going to use a crystal ball in our criminal investigations,” jokes your Science Minister, dissolving the cake in an acid solution. “What we need to do is modernize our means of interrogation. With our advances in neurology, we may be able to develop a chip that measures the neural activity of its subject, giving us the ability to accurately determine if someone’s telling the truth. Give us the funding, and be ready for a safer Random Chaos!”
  4. “Bah!” utters an old Random Chaos City police officer, who is on a diet. “If you ask me, these fancy gadgets are making the police too soft. Back in the good ol’ days, we had a more hands-on approach and believe me, nothing brings honesty out of a liar better than some good old beatings.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the cancellation of "The Real Vixens of Random Chaos City" has been described as a real blow for entertainment.

2021-02-05 07:30

Unreal

A study in the journal Periodical for Learning About the Sociological Misadventures of Audiovisuals has revealed that young adults who watch reality television are more likely to experience negative social interaction and emotional effects than their peers.

  1. “Reality television gives the impression that what is appearing on television is, in fact, realistic,” complains lead researcher Dr. Don Yoo, hiding his Television is for Squares badge beneath his labcoat. “In fact, it’s scripted and heavily edited fiction. Constant arguments, excessive expressed emotion, unrealistic body expectations, instant gratification: these lead to youths acting out in unacceptable ways and to a general negative inertia in society. All these shows should carry disclaimers to explain how reality is being misrepresented, and all schoolchildren must be taught about the distortions in these shows.”
  2. “Like my sister Chrissie says: don’t be haters just ‘cuz you ain’t us,” natters Christina Cholmondeley, of popular reality show Crashing Out with the Cholmondeleys, as she flicks her hair. “Reality TV is, like... what’s the word? Not Alsatian... aspirational. We aspire kids to be better than they are. If they’re fat and stupid, we make them want to be pretty and clever, like us. By acting like us, they can hope to be like us. Then they’ll have their own brand of perfume, like Chrissie C’s Pong of Class, which is on sale now, babe. Rather than oppress us, you should show your fans how awesome you are by being on our show... like, lots. Random Chaos needs our brand of style way more than political speeches.”
  3. “Objection!” shouts arbiter ‘Judge Kellyanne’, who earns one million chips per show, as she bangs her gavel on your desk. “Leader, that Cholmondeley moron is selling you manure and telling you it’s chocolate. Does she think you’re an idiot? Brain-dead shows like hers are the reason why young Random Chaosians have no motivation to get a real job. They see over-glossed and glossed-over lives, and think it all comes easy. Young people would be more focused if reality shows only showed serious professionals doing real jobs, and not lies about fame and fortune.”
  4. “The problem is the negativity,” chimes preternaturally perky Baby Bebe Baker-Bell, who found fame as a child singing on Random Chaosians Have Talent (Honest!). “Backstage, wranglers stir up spiteful competition between contestants. They goaded me into calling someone a ‘meanie bo beanie’! I still wake up sweating. But maybe a better class of reality TV could instead nurture a pleasant society by encouraging participants to only be nice to each other, and by editing out the sad parts of life. Wouldn’t it be lovely if everybody got along better?”
  5. “We must escape from dreary reality,” says Sven, your nephew and a recent graduate of the Random Chaosian Academy of Dramatic Art, as he strikes a stereotypically heroic stance. “By forcibly reallocating all reality TV slots and funding, we could tell intelligent stories and pay good wages to highly skilled actors who have a classic face suited to play either the dashing lead or the brooding baddie. Noir mysteries, sultry sagas in country houses, earthy dramedies, pulsating thrillers, period pieces of pride, prejudice and penury; with funding, we could usher in a golden age of quality Random Chaosian drama.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mournful opera fans place bouquets of roses at a 3000 capacity parking lot.

2021-02-05 01:30

The Show Must Go On

Fewer and fewer people attend the Random Chaos City Opera House, largely because the younger generation and the common man consider the shows archaic and boring. The once packed auditorium now struggles to fill seats, and it is nowhere near turning a profit. Without help, the Random Chaos City Opera House is likely to close its doors.

  1. “Empty spaces, what are we living for? Abandoned places, I guess we know the score,” melodramatically declares singer-songwriter Teddie Hercules. “If Random Chaos loses opera, then we lose the very soul of our culture. Some things are bigger than money, and I’m not just talking about the leading tenor’s waistline. I insist that we establish a Random Chaosian Arts Council to fund the opera and ensure that talented mezzos and baritones can survive, no matter the cost. The show must go on, go on...”
  2. “No problem, I can Handel the funding for you,” suggests TV-producer Al Roll, while spreading out before you possible contracts for various TV programs. “Here are ideas for live elimination shows, dating shows, and celebrity-studded musicals to take place in that lovely building downtown. I’ve got a vision of big money, big drama, big entertainment, big merchandise, and big ratings: I call it Bopera. It’s a big yes from me. Give my venture cultural-exemption tax status, and I’ll keep the opera house’s doors open.”
  3. “Waste of good land,” succinctly concludes property developer Dorothy Foster. “This is prime city centre real estate that could be upscale housing and a parking lot. I mean, what would you rather do: sit through six hours of fat people in ridiculous viking helmets singing in a language you don’t understand, or cut time off your commute to work?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Holy Office of the Inquisition is the highest court in the land.

2021-02-04 19:30

Nobody Expects the Random Chaosian Inquisition!

Some key figures of Random Chaos’s major religious groups have requested government sponsorship for the institution of an inquisition to try heretics and blasphemers.

  1. Cardinal Mortimer Gratwick, Archbishop of Random Chaos City, demands you kiss his ring before telling you, “The Church encourages the formation of an Inquisition. However, it will only be to try those in error and put them on the right track to holiness; you needn’t worry about those nasty thumb-screws and we haven’t had a rack in ages, so we won’t be torturing people. Of course, in order to bring this noble plan into effect, the Holy Office must have jurisdiction over the civil courts.”
  2. “This is bloody outrageous!” screams Conan Gutnick, head of the nation’s most important civil liberties movement, People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything, while jumping up and down in front of a television camera. “These damn ultra-conservatives will plunge us all into chaos! Random Chaos can never have an Inquisition! Everyone should have the right to think, say, believe, etc, whatever the damn they please. When was the last time you released a dove on a monthly basis? Huh? HUH?! That’s what I thought! It’s time to move beyond these primitive beliefs!”
  3. “The people of Random Chaos need more than an Inquisition,” pronounces Jessica Neumann, known fundamentalist tele-preacher, who pauses hawking the complete DVD collection to make some demands. “We must persecute all those who do not live according to the Book! The Lord has told me that the time has arrived to bring back the good old days! Back when we didn’t have all these touchy-feely, fuzzy-headed punishments. Prison? Ha! Like that’s a punishment! Stick those heathens in the stocks, or even better: bring back stonings! It’ll bring us into a new golden age!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, male med students learning female anatomy do so with their eyes tightly closed.

2021-02-04 13:30

My Eyes Are Up Here

At the latest round of meetings between Brancaland and Random Chaos, the feminine graces of one of the foreign female diplomats were notable, and Random Chaosian aides were caught staring at her in every place other than her eyes.

  1. “These damn men need to lift their eyes and close their gawping mouths!” shouts Violet Stoker, leader of the Alliance For Empowering Women Who Agree With Me. “Our culture raises men to believe they can treat women however they want to, which is utterly not the case. The only way to fix this is legislating against objectification of women, and treating ogling eyes as sexual harassment!”
  2. “Seems a little harsh, no?” interjects Lars Bush, a human resources manager at a law firm in downtown Gambler City. “Our firm has an impeccable reputation for treating women correctly, and that is because we ensure all new hires go through a mandatory training policy teaching them that women are to be treated respectfully, chivalrously and politely. Maybe you could introduce this nationwide, and you’ll see the same results we have.”
  3. “It’s not my fault a pretty woman decided to wear a flattering dress to the meeting,” counters one of your aides accused of having a roaming gaze. “So what if I like to give women attention? It’s natural, it’s heterosexual male biology, it’s a compliment, for goodness sake! Are we seriously considering government regulating the involuntary movements of my eyeballs? Let’s be a more permissive society, and say that people can put their gaze wherever they want.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, drugs containing the compound "oleum de serpens" are being sold to cancer patients.

2021-02-04 07:30

Drug Deal

Preliminary trials of a new immunotherapy drug have suggested that it may achieve remission in bone marrow cancers by up to 28% of formerly untreatable patients. It’s years away from being clinically available, but desperate cancer sufferers are asking for you to expedite this.

  1. “Damn bureaucrats are standing between sick people and life-saving treatment,” complains Silvio Duras, a lobbyist for international pharmaceuticals company Fizer-Updick, pausing for a second as his lawyer whispers something into his ear. “That is to say, these potentially life-saving treatments. Just cut out the red tape, and we can start saving lives. Act now or you will be murdering these poor patients!” His lawyer holds up a hastily-handwritten sign behind the lobbyist’s head observing that statements made may not represent the official opinion of the Fizer-Updick corporation, nor imply an accusation of legal culpability.
  2. “Sorry, this is medical science, not faith healing,” snarls unsympathetic-seeming Dr. Archibald Lobachevsky. “We require multi-phase trials to make sure a medicine is non-toxic, safe in the long term and to make sure it actually really works. It’s a shame that a percentage of the population have to die while we wait, but better to lose a few hundred lives than to compromise scientific integrity. No offence, but these deaths are just unavoidable collateral damage in the war on cancer.”
  3. At this point, you note there’s a perky goth girl with a silver ankh necklace and a swirly tattoo under her right eye in the room. You swear you didn’t see her come in. “Life isn’t measured in years, but in moments. Moments of kindness and connection mean a lot more when death is standing right next to you. Maybe all your doctors could spend more time talking to people instead of thinking about drugs and medicines all the time. You know, listening to their dreams, destinies, desires and deliriums. It’s always good to talk with someone who cares, right at the end.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, diminutive Random Chaosian generals are feared for their aggressiveness.

2021-02-04 01:30

A Little Bit Short

A recent exposé revealed that growth hormone therapy — an expensive treatment meant to help children who are producing little to no growth hormone on their own — is increasingly being prescribed to wealthy children who are just somewhat shorter than average.

  1. “I just want what’s best for my little Timmy; what parent wouldn’t?” asks Luigi Vasquez, who appears to have bribed your guards into getting an unscheduled meeting with you. “Growth hormone therapy is completely safe and the best doctor money could buy said it was a medically valid treatment for my little Timmy, what with him being two whole inches below normal. Whether or not Timmy gets hormone therapy is between his doctor, my accountant, and me, not the government.”
  2. “Great!” sarcastically exclaims Vasquez’s valet after he has walked out of the room. “One more way the rich get it better off than the poor. My kids are even shorter than his, but I could never afford this treatment. You have to level the playing field. State-employed doctors should determine who truly needs growth hormone therapy, and the state should pay for it.”
  3. “This is insane,” cries a voice whose origins you can’t locate at first, until you look down and find the wee Dr. Bill Harford. “There’s nothing wrong with being shorter than average, even way shorter than average. You can’t call something a ‘treatment’ if there are no adverse health effects associated with the ‘illness’ it treats. Ban growth hormone therapy in all cases and teach Random Chaosians to love each other no matter what their size.”
  4. “I agree that the government should assure no one feels inferior because of the hand nature dealt to them,” asserts everyman Berger Harrison, who is so average as to be completely unidentifiable. “However, what we should be doing is manipulating the hormones of all children so that they all end up at exactly the same height. All men may not be created equal, but we can fix that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, farm turkeys are given high doses of antidepressants to take their minds off the holiday season.

2021-02-03 19:30

Resistance Is Fertile

An outbreak of an antibiotic-resistant super-bacterium has killed five people in Random Chaos City, and epidemiologists are linking the emergence of this strain to contaminated chicken meat from poultry given regular doses of antibiotics. Health officials, farmers and consumers are searching for solutions to prevent another outbreak.

  1. “There’s a simple solution,” says Marin O'Brien, head of the Random Chaos Public Health Board. “Ban antibiotic use on animals. Antibiotic overuse promotes drug-resistant bacteria, and the chemicals involved are also tainting the food chain. If animals get sick, cull them. Super-bugs will be a thing of the past!”
  2. “The government must not do that!” shouts Taylor Usman, Head Poultry Butcher at ChickensBoxed Inc. “We will lose revenue and efficiency! We raise thousands of birds here and antibiotics allow us more meat per unit, more units per square metre and more units per chip. You should allow us to use whatever drugs we need to keep the farming industry strong!”
  3. “Does anyone forget to mention why chickens get sick?” asks young farmer Karl Colbert, as he pets Mrs. Tweedy, the favourite of his five chickens. “It’s because they are cooped up in cages, unable to move, to develop their bodies, and exercise. The solution is for free-range farming to be mandatory. Meat will then be fresher, healthier and better tasting. We’ll need more room, of course, so perhaps the government could donate us some city parks to convert?”
  4. “Wait a minute! Has anybody thought about the little guy here? By which I mean, the poor, destitute pharmaceuticals industry?” questions Big Pharma executive Bongani Kapoor, as he steps off his private jet. “If you block out sales, our profits will fall by several percent, and jobs will be lost. Perhaps instead subsidise investment into the NEXT generation of antibiotics? That way farmers can use antibiotics all day long, and we’ll likely still have new tools to treat sick patients with.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, soldiers are "encouraged" to advance by armed officers behind them.

2021-02-03 13:30

Just Deserts for Desertion?

Every year, the nation comes together to remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in defence of Random Chaos. While the majority of the population partakes in this act of remembrance, a small number of families dread this day — the relatives of those who were executed after being found guilty of desertion. Recently released documents have suggested that many were killed as a result of sham trials.

  1. “My great-uncle Konrad was no coward,” sobs Cassidy Ripley, as she cradles a photo of her relative. “The military records show that he retreated from combat while under attack. However, his letters to his wife explain that he was trying to get to higher ground so that he could pick off the enemy with his sniper rifle. He was accused of abandoning his post and was tried by officers who weren’t anywhere near him at the time, all without a lawyer present. All I ask is for a posthumous pardon — for him and any other veterans who were illegitimately convicted — so that at the next remembrance service, I can lay a wreath with pride knowing that he served his country.”
  2. “That’s preposterous!” proclaims General Lance Zhu, as he stares at Cassidy with suspicion. “Pardoning those deserters would be an insult to those who died honourably on the battlefield. Moreover, everyone was tried fairly by officers who were proficient in the laws of the day. To be quite honest, I feel the army has gone too soft in recent years and stricter punishments for cowardice should be introduced.”
  3. “Why is it only the deceased being considered for pardons?” probes Rory Fforde, a specialist in criminal law, as she grasps the lapels of her jacket. “One of my clients in the armed forces was sentenced to hard labor after a very dubious trial. Critical evidence was declared inadmissible, and the eyewitness statements were questionable at best. We should set up a special commission to re-evaluate all of these dodgy convictions. Furthermore, all military tribunals should be replaced with ordinary civilian trials that have proper oversight from our judiciary.”
  4. “Let’s test these blighters to see if cowardice runs in their blood,” suggests Agatha Martinez, your Director of Covert Operations, as she discreetly clips a tiny spy camera to Cassidy’s handbag. “We can send them out to nations with whom we have not-so-friendly relations, Blackacre for one. Put them on a dangerous espionage mission, such as stealing a sample of those bio-weapons we all know they’re working on. If they succeed... Grandpappy gets his pardon. We might even find ourselves a few decent spies — they’re so difficult to come by these days.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, student athletes gaze forlornly at abandoned gamblerball fields.

2021-02-03 07:30

Brain Pain on the Sports Plain

Gamblerball - a sport that is extremely popular in Random Chaos but not so much anywhere else - is causing a slew of concussions in Random Chaosian schools. Brain trauma from the head-on collisions is causing cognitive problems and - on occasion - deaths.

  1. “You have to stop this madness!” yells Kendall Song, the mother of an eighthback for Random Chaos City High School. “My son has received so many concussions that his grades are dropping. To hell with tradition, our children’s fragile brains are more important!”
  2. “Come on, Leader. You’re not actually thinking about this, are you?” says Doris Bowman, coach of the East Random Chaos City Wyverns, a well-known amateur gamblerball team. “I know it’s tough, but without gamblerball in the schools, who will be the great weekend warriors of the future? Need I mention that gamblerball is a storied part of Random Chaosian culture dating back generations? You wouldn’t want to mess that up, would you?”
  3. “It’s not just gamblerball,” mentions Jacob Harkness, a techie joining the conversation via Trype. “Think about legball. Concussions happen there all the time. It’s just not in the news anywhere as often. And then there’s hoopball. They wipe each other out all of the time. Us video gamers have fun without ever knocking our skulls together. I propose we ban all physical sports. It’s only the safest op-” he says before the screen turns off with a security guard twirling the plug.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Automobile Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it turns out that the government can have your guns by prying them out of your warm living hands.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2021-02-03 01:30

Good Guy With a Gun

A gunman took to the mall and shot dead three people before a nearby coffee shop waitress dispatched him with five rounds from her automatic pistol. Unfortunately, as she stood over him gun in hand, a mall security guard thought she was the threat and took her out with his submachine gun. He in turn was shot by a libertarian who thought the state was finally coming to take his gun away. By the time the police arrived (and gunned down more would-be heroes who they had mistaken for terrorists), the death toll had reached fifty-seven.

  1. “Personally, I call that a win,” exalts Random Chaos City Rifle and Revolver Association representative Evan Xavier, firing a round into the air in celebration. “I mean, how many people would the initial gunman have killed if nobody had stopped him? More than fifty-seven, that’s for sure. More guns equals more safety. Maybe the government ought to recognise that by picking up half the cost of every gun purchased. Oh, and uh... thoughts and prayers to the families of the deceased and all that, yada yada.”
  2. “Hell, yeah!” agrees Sheriff Lana Elgar, spinning and holstering her sidearm, and accidentally discharging a round into the floorboards. “Though, y’know, maybe more gun discipline would help. People who use guns should be forced to attend training seminars run by responsible and well-paid local sheriffs. That’ll help them to learn target discrimination, gun safety and all that. And... uh... yes... what a tragedy... our hearts go out to the bereaved.”
  3. “Let’s face it, the problem here wasn’t the shooting — it was the powerful weapons being used,” asserts one of the victims, rubbing her injured derrière. “I mean, if the gal who shot me hadn’t been on full auto, she would never have accidentally zinged me. If we just restrict selective-fire weapons, magazine extensions, and barrel shrouds, that should do it. Wholesome guns don’t kill innocent people. Only assault weapons do that.”
  4. “Uh, we could try not letting people have these devices designed to murder and maim,” ventures a long-haired hippy, insensitively disrespecting the dead by launching into yet another tirade of typical freedom-hating, commie, anti-gun ranting. It’s possible she has more to say on this, but to be honest, no-one’s listening.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, psychological disorders are a taboo subject.

2021-02-02 19:30

Oh, the Angst!

In response to rising rates of depression related suicides, mental health groups have called for government funding to help support treatment programs, citing various surveys that indicate psychological disorders are often an overlooked problem.

  1. “Although it is often dismissed as an irrelevant complaint, depression is a real disease; it isn’t just ‘all in your head’,” says Frank Dlamini, depression sufferer. “Depression has significant effects on groups and individuals, especially amongst teenagers. Every day, more and more people commit suicide because of this disease, but this could all be stopped if this country had informative public awareness programs. Even better would be providing mandatory counselling in free, government-run facilities for those who seem down-and-out. This will save lives!”
  2. “Screw them,” Liara Leach, talkback radio host, stated yesterday. “Depression isn’t a disease, it’s just another example of today’s youth finding something to complain about. Life’s never been better. In fact, just yesterday, I bought my fourth yacht. And even if it is as serious as the bleeding hearts claim, then I say we leave it and cut some of the funding being wasted on these head cases. If a few whiners jump off a bridge, it’ll be good for the gene pool. Natural selection, my friends. It’s a great thing.”
  3. “Actually, a lot of depression cases in teens are related to school and all the stress and pressure young people are under to succeed. A greater effort to correct the problem of depression should start there, with more funding so that schools can provide better counseling programs,” comments Dr. Ryan Santos, author of the book Tomato Soup for the Soul. “That way teens who are depressed can get help even if their parents can’t or won’t take them to see a psychiatrist.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every street in the nation contains at least three law firms.

2021-02-02 13:30

I Want a Lawyer

A recent independent review into government expenditure has shown that, compared to other nations in The Hatrackia, Random Chaos spends very little on legal aid for impecunious suspects.

  1. “I ain’t supposed to be in this joint!” Zeke Sparkle whispers down a contraband phone. “Those loser courts went and decided I did this stupid thing and now I gotsa pay for it. I didn’t do it yo! I tried to tell those fools that I was innocent, but the lawyer you hired to fork me over totally showed me up. I ain’t got no chips to pay for a brief! Who’d you think I am, Hoprah Pinfry? Damn. You wanna make things right? Get e’rrybody ‘ccused of a crime a ‘spensive lawyer too. Maybe more innocent peoples won’t get sent down.”
  2. “If you can’t afford a lawyer, it’s your own fault,” lectures blue-collar worker Commodus Broadside on the evening news. “It’s not my problem if they don’t have the money or if they didn’t go to law school. If you can’t afford a lawyer, then don’t break the law. Everything has consequences! Imagine the tax burden it would put on us hard-working individuals. Actually, instead of spending money on this ridiculous notion, I’d much prefer Leader to give us a tax break.”
  3. “Hmm. Now that’s a good idea,” says Conan Harrison, your education advisor, with a gleam in his eye. “If everybody goes to law school then we won’t need to pay for everyone to have a lawyer - they can represent themselves! We should make legal studies a core part of the curriculum, and give some incentives for people to do at least one year of law school. That way if you end up in court, you should be able to defend yourself with no problem at all.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, preschoolers practice disarming active shooters before naptime.

2021-02-02 07:30

Gunman Kills Three

Tragedy struck Random Chaos today, as a gunman killed three people in a suburban shooting rampage. The community is united in grief, but divided in opinion as to what should be done.

  1. The strongest voices demand tighter gun controls. “The only way to prevent further atrocities is to take the guns out of the hands of the murderers,” says anti-gun campaigner Miranda Santos. “There’s no justification for them in today’s society. We need tighter regulations on who can hold guns, so only our police and military have them.”
  2. “That’s not all we need,” says radical left-wing activist Tyrion Armstrong. “The government should ban all guns outright—even in the police force. This is an opportunity to make Random Chaos a totally gun-free state.”
  3. “Ban this. Ban that. You cannot ban your way to an answer,” intones Spruce Tree, a local martial artist and founder of Ay Kik Yu. “Our citizenry and our children must learn to properly defend themselves in this sort of situation if it should arise again. A mindful populace is a safe populace.”
  4. “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people,” says Random Chaos Handgun Association head honcho Billy Gennaro. “If you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Is that what we want? Think, people. The answer isn’t kung-fu and it definitely isn’t banning guns. What you need to do is encourage us law-abiding folk to always carry a gun. Shoot first, ask questions later. That’s what I always say.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many in Random Chaos are born in the purple.

2021-02-02 01:30

Rivers of Blood

Dye effluent from a textile factory has turned the waters of a neighboring river a vivid red, angering nearby residents. The incident has placed the practices of the dye industry and the use of synthetic dyes squarely in the limelight.

  1. “We can’t let this stain our nation any further lest we die!” growls local resident Lance Cage, using colorful language to emphasize his point. “Toxic and carcinogenic chemicals are being dumped into our water supply. Ban synthetic dyes and follow the example of us townsfolk: use only natural dyes, as most of them are non-toxic and safer to produce and handle than artificial colorants. All we need is plenty of cleared, arable land for dye production. That, and over three million snails — something to keep the kids occupied, you know.”
  2. “Sure, natural dyes might sound great, but you’re taking this a shade too far,” cautions Rory Hester, a dye industry spokesperson. “Think of the environment! We would have to decimate our woodlands and wildlife to fit in dye plantations. Even then, our economy and our clothes would be feeling blue if disaster struck the dye crop. However, I do empathize with those affected by whatever happened. A little ‘financial incentive’ will help us research and develop safer synthetic dyes.”
  3. “Lavender lagoons? Scarlet streams? Count me in!” chimes tourism and novelty museum tycoon Agatha Patton. “Finding chemicals in the water is anything but a problem; in fact, it’s a prime opportunity! We should add a bit of color to our lackluster lakes; the oddly-pigmented oddities would become tourist magnets! Our nation will be known far and wide for its colorful waterways, flowing proudly in our national hues. This, right here, is what will attract more money than anything Random Chaos has seen in ages. Let’s dye ourselves into the next golden age!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government loves seeing the little people fight.

2021-02-01 19:30

A Little Wrestling, a Lot of Controversy

A dwarf wrestling tour was cut short after advocacy groups complained that it was demeaning.

  1. “Just look at this!” fumes three-foot-tall disabled rights activist Tracy Palpatine, waving around a poster that you can’t see for the top of your desk. “This isn’t a sporting event; this is a modern-day freak show. It even says they have a ‘midget toss’! I know the wrestlers agreed to participate, but they aren’t the only ones that have to live with the dehumanizing stereotypes. Random Chaos shouldn’t tolerate entertainment that pokes fun at people for their size or disabilities.”
  2. Suddenly, a diminutive wrestler in brightly-colored spandex hurtles toward you, landing on your desk and knocking all your papers onto the floor. “Ha! What fun is life if you can’t laugh at yourself?” she says, as she rolls to her feet. “Maybe wrestling isn’t for everyone, but it’s a lot better than being unemployed or having some boring office job. We wrestlers are celebrating who we are - it’s not up to you to tell us what we can’t do. Instead, why don’t you give us some support and let us show everyone what we can do?”
  3. “You’re all thinking too small,” slobbers creepy endocrinologist Dr. Carrie Vega, leering down over the head of the wrestler and gesticulating erratically. “You’ve got to look at the big picture. We wouldn’t have to worry about any of this if we had a cure for dwarfism, right? Well, I’ve just made a huge breakthrough in hormone treatments that would allow all these people to grow to a normal height, instead of being freakishly small. All I need is some funding to make my project a reality. Yes, that’s all...” She cackles maniacally, though it’s not clear what she is finding so funny.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prisoners have been known to host cooking and home décor television shows.

2021-02-01 13:30

Food Behind Bars

After renowned food critic and criminal mastermind Hannibal Terwilliger published a book entitled Food Behind Bars: A Gourmet’s Journey through Random Chaos’s Prisons, a debate has sprung up over the quality of food served to prisoners.

  1. “This is ridiculous!” fumes single mother of three Khethiwe Haskell, whose ex-partner is currently behind bars. “Here’s me struggling just to give my kids the basics, and he’s sitting in a nice warm cell with nothing to do all day but eat like a king! I say we stop this extravagance and redirect the funding into something more appropriate, like welfare for single parents. Prisoners should only be fed what they need to survive.”
  2. “Oh come now, there’s no need to treat us like animals for the sake of a few misdemeanours,” says Mr. Terwilliger via a satellite link from an undisclosed minimum security prison. “We prisoners have rights too, you know. Oh what a cruel world we would live in, if a man can’t chow down on cordon bleu just because he’s behind bars. Now warden, can I have some fava beans and a nice chianti delivered to my cell? I’m starving.”
  3. “Of course you have to feed prisoners, but what kind of food?” muses oblivious naturalist Elaine Ono while watering your plastic office plants. “It’s all these preservatives and cheap imported foods that have made these people violent in the first place! Why not establish prison farms and have inmates eat what they grow? Sure, it would tie up lots of fertile land, and there’s always the risk of an escape, but the benefits to society are worth it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, throwing garbage out of your house's front window makes it legally someone else's problem.

2021-02-01 07:30

Make the Cut

When the grass on a roadside patch of lawn in front of Thomas Savage’s house grew so long that a herd of wild deer moved in, the local council tried to force him to mow it - a job he claims is not his to do. Unexpectedly, this all-out turf war escalated over several months, till finally the problem has found itself on your doorstep.

  1. “It’s a bloody outrage, it is!” complains Thomas Savage, who has showed up wearing nothing but a grubby string vest and stained briefs that have seen better days. “Some whinging council nerd says it was me land to mow and I gotta mows it! So then I told ‘em since it was me land, I can do whats I wants with it. Then they tell me it’s their land, but I gotta mows it. Anyways, I tells ‘em: if it ain’t me land, then it ain’t me bloody problem to mow the land, is it? If they want it mowed, they can bleedin’ mow it themselves!”
  2. “Surely you can’t expect us to look after every nature strip in our local government area?” asks Councillor Yasmin Atwood, waving the red-ink-covered printout of the Local Authority’s annual budget. “By the time we pick up litter and pull weeds, we’ll need to be doubling our council rates! And when we do increase our rates, everyone chucks a stink! Force the idling bludgers to be socially responsible for once in their lives, and get them mowing!”
  3. “The whole problem appears to be that it’s not the resident’s land,” suggests Cortana Gillard, your Minister of Creative Solutions. “So what if we were to change that? Expand land rights out from the front door to the road. Homeowners get a land windfall, local authorities get to devolve responsibility. What could possibly go wrong?”
  4. “Hard problems need hard solutions,” observes Homer Miller, manager of ConcreteIsUs. “Why don’t we just pave over the damned nature strip? That way it won’t matter whose land it is as no one will have to mow it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, everybody's got wood thanks to Leader.

2021-02-01 01:30

Ebony Pride

Random Chaos imports large quantities of hardwoods from Brancaland, including the world-famous Brancalandian ebony. However, environmentalists are coming out of the woodwork with evidence that Brancalandian logging operations are non-sustainable, leading to large-scale deforestation.

  1. “It’s clear-cut that Brancaland hasn’t been taking good care of the environment,” lectures activist Mario Weasley, picking up an ebony toothpick from your waste basket and glaring at you accusingly. “We need to stop being bumps on a log, and take action! Lower demand and limit supply by placing high tariffs on the entry of foreign timber unless it comes from sustainable tree farms!”
  2. “Don’t get your bunnyhug in a twist; a little bit of logging is no more than our environment can handle, eh?” observes exporter Shelia de Groot, sipping maple liqueur from his solid ebony mickey. “Besides, while we quite like Random Chaosian trade, we don’t depend on it - trying to stop Brancalandian logging with a few tariffs would be like nailing jelly to a tree. They don’t call us Branch-aland for nothin’. Maybe instead of messing with trade, you could share in our prosperity by giving your furnishing industry subsidies? Who doesn’t like a chesterfield, eh?”
  3. “You can’t see the forest for the trees, Leader; we need to branch out and sway every other nation to put the wood in the hole on Brancaland’s ebony,” opines pun-loving hip folk musician Woodie Gumtree. “They won’t be shaking the pagoda tree when you sow the seeds of mistrust. Bribe some industry periodicals to declare that their wood is as soft and weak as a banana. Buyers will think they’re barking up the wrong tree and instead leaf through some selections we approve of - like our own lighter Random Chaosian mahogany. It’ll be as easy as falling off a log, knock on wood.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, calling dibs is an unalienable right.

2021-01-31 19:30

Buried Bones Unearth Debate

A group of college students on a camping trip to the outskirts of Random Chaos stumbled across an ancient mass grave site. The proper treatment of the remains has become a hot button issue, as various groups have staked their claims.

  1. “These bones belonged to our ancestors! Or, at least we called dibs first!” shouts Doris Assange, a representative of the Violetstone tribe, close enough that you can feel the spittle flying from her lips. “How would you like it if we poked and prodded the remains of your ancestors? We deserve - no, we have the right - to take these bones back to our land and ceremonially burn them as our cultural heritage dictates.”
  2. “You can’t seriously consider giving up such valuable information, can you?” gasps Jack Gibson, a Professor of Anthropology at Random Chaos City University. “The information from these remains is invaluable. This is a rare opportunity to learn about ancient Random Chaosian culture and where we came from. Let us put these bones to the test, so to speak, and place our national knowledge first. We need to send these remains to the university, along with some grant money, for research and testing.”
  3. “Burn them? Letting them rot in some dank university closet? You can’t let these travesties occur!” demands Naki Merkel, the curator of the Maxsonian Museum Of History. “These bones are in pristine condition and deserve to be seen by the public! Imagine the revenue and tourism that would be brought in if you allowed me to display these bones, bared for all to see! Who cares if it upsets some smug know-it-alls or overly sensitive descendants? This is preservation! This is money, err, culture!”
  4. “Hey, what’s the big idea trying to pick and choose who gets what?” questions college student Waldo Strange, followed closely by his peers. “We found those bones, so we should get to take them for ourselves! Our right to the claim is firmly supported by the case of Finders Keepers v Losers Weepers. Plus, I really need to pass my thesis. I’m running out of time and these bones would really put me over the top!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military perceives nations hit by natural disasters as "easy pickings".

2021-01-31 13:30

A “Friend” in Need

The aggressive nation of Blackacre has been struck with a series of massive natural disasters that have killed tens of thousands and destroyed sanitation, transit, and economic infrastructure, with the likely consequence of great suffering for millions in the coming months. This has presented you with the moral quandary of whether or not you should come to the aid of a nation that has frequently declared its hatred for Random Chaos and the Random Chaosian way of life.

  1. “Well, it serves them darn well right!” shouts your infuriated Minister of Defense, furiously kicking your expensive imported mahogany desk and sending your papers flying. “An eye for an eye, I say! They insulted us multiple times, and they got what they deserved. As a matter of fact, now is the perfect time to truly pay them back for their slander of our great nation! They want aid? How about we aid them by sending some missiles aimed right at their capital? That’ll show them!”
  2. “Not that I don’t agree with Mr. Compassionate over here, but that particular method only seems to stir up unwanted trouble,” notes Agnes Ryan, Random Chaos’s top chess master and military strategist. “Frankly, there’s a much better way of making our point without causing so much international outcry. Why not provide them aid, but so much of it that they become dependent on us for survival? Flood them with food, but do nothing to help their farmers. Supply them with power, but don’t build power infrastructure. Then, when they’ve lost any capacity to support themselves, start charging them! We can look good internationally while secretly waging war against their economy.”
  3. “It’s just too much effort these days to try to take over another country,” sighs Dave Amin, former soldier and current aide to the Minister of Foreign Affairs. “For that matter, it’s too much effort to even provide aid when we have so much to focus on here. Crime, poverty, resources, and all that. It’s a shame what’s happened, but we aren’t the only nation in the world. Let’s cut all aid. There’s probably some other nation that’ll be foolish enough to help them out, anyway.”
  4. “Regardless of what Blackacre’s government’s actions have been in the past, there are millions of innocent civilians who are going to be harmed or even killed,” suggests your secretary while cleaning the mess of papers off your desk. “How would you feel if you were homeless and hungry, and others turned a blind eye? This is a humanitarian disaster. We need to send aid and do whatever we can to help. Helping them is the moral thing to do, and that’s all there is to it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, holiday light displays just aren't the same without seizure-inducing strobe effects.

2021-01-31 07:30

Blinded by the Light

It is a Random Chaosian tradition to light up one’s home with demonstrative holiday lights during festive seasons. While this has always been a distractive issue for drivers, one rather competitive neighborhood in Random Chaos City caused quite a stir. The strobe lights and military-grade lasers used in several displays caused multiple traffic accidents and temporary blindness, prompting a national discussion on this issue and scores of lawsuits.

  1. “These lights must be banned!” demands Castiel Grieg, as he unintentionally smacks your interns with his walking stick. “My life has been disrupted by temporary blindness because some idiot thought it was a good idea to use strobe lights! The government must step in and ban all of these eyesores before they hurt anyone else. What’s so fun about staring at some lights, anyway?”
  2. “Come on now, you can’t be serious!” scoffs personal injury lawyer and five-time winner of Best Light Display in Random Chaos City, Indira Murdoch. “What about the holiday spirit and our freedom of expression? You can’t ban something that people have enjoyed for years just because a few people end up getting hurt! You’d be robbing Random Chaos of a very important holiday tradition. Besides, these injuries are great for business.”
  3. “Compromise, everyone!” exclaims your Minister of Compromises, who has been appearing in far too many meetings recently. “I agree that banning holiday lights is a ridiculous idea, but at the same time we can’t ignore the risks to public health and safety. So how about we mandate that the manufacturers tone down the brightness in their lights and ban the sale of military grade lasers and excessively bright strobe lights to the public? That way people still get their lights and nobody risks getting blinded! It sure beats spending the holidays in a hospital.”
  4. “The problem isn’t lights! It’s drivers!” complains safety advocate and leader of the Mothers Against Everything protest group, Samus Tate. “Even during regular days we have careless drivers going way over the speed limit, putting our children’s lives at risk. Cars must be banned from suburban roads! That’s what will reduce accidents, not banning lights!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Hide and Seek with Cuddle Bear is the most popular video game in the nation.

2021-01-31 01:30

Plug in and Play

Bored by their games of breeze block Tetris and live action Pong, former gamers have arrived in droves to protest against the ban on video games. The gamers, dressed as their favorite Maxémon characters, have asked that you bring back their controllers and consoles.

  1. “Well, um... you see here, this research shows that video games improve hand-eye coordination, decision-making skills, and encourage creativity and problem solving,” mumbles the meek, bespectacled, and incredibly uncharismatic Barbie de Castro, shuffling some papers on your desk awkwardly. “I mean, yeah, the games can be addicting and maybe some people were copying what they were doing in the games in real life. You still shouldn’t punish everyone just because some noobs can’t tell the difference between fiction and reality.”
  2. “Our children have never been healthier!” joyously exclaims your Minister For Youth And Families, pushing aside disgruntled teens. “Children are actually bothering to learn about their world and getting fresh air and exercise. The problem isn’t that they haven’t got their digital toys. The problem is that you haven’t given them anything to replace it with. Fund more museums, parks, and libraries, and force these tykes to make use of them. The next generation will be better than ever! Sure, it might cost a pretty penny, but it’s for the children.”
  3. “For the children?” yells the stern 64-Star Commodore Finn Laine, causing the younger children to run away in tears. “When I was a kid, nobody cared about what I wanted. I studied, exercised, and worked my behind off, as these punks should be doing now!” The Commodore glares at the remaining children, causing them to flee the room. “If our children had mandatory exercise or military school, then they won’t need video games. We’d turn these hooligans and nerds into model citizens in mere weeks!”
  4. “Okay, maybe we shouldn’t go that far,” muses your cat-obsessed secretary who has pictures of her felines scattered all over your office. “Why not allow some games, but just not the violent ones? There’s nothing wrong with innocent games like Gumdrop Kart and Halo Kitten. Just allow games that any child can play without being scared or inclined to violence, and set up a council to rate the games. That way everyone is happy.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people reciting Shakespeare have become a common sight.

2021-01-30 19:30

“Give Us Money!” Quoth the Poet

The National Poetry Society of Random Chaos is demanding government-funded programs to promote the arts, especially poetry.

  1. “We need government help to promote culture,” says Sean Yossef, chairperson of the National Poetry Society of Random Chaos. “Poetry is the soul of our nation, the very pulse of humanity! We will ultimately be judged according to our contribution to artistic enlightenment. In other words, please provide funding for our humble mission to bring the beauty of poetry to the masses!”
  2. “Artists and poets should support themselves, like everyone else,” replies Alfred Farmer, spokesperson for the Capitalism Now Party. “The suffering taxpayers should be given a break. In fact, we should abolish all government subsidies for special interest groups.”
  3. “Poets—who needs them?!” scoffs Ellie Mann, Chairperson Emeritus of the Troglodyte Coalition. “These long-haired troublemakers should all be lined up against the wall and shot! That would be far more entertaining than reading some dumb poems!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, polygamy is legal.

2021-01-30 13:30

One Wife Is Never Enough, Say Polygamists

A small religious group is lobbying the government to allow them to take multiple wives.

  1. “It’s about time we had our religious rights recognized,” says Steve Clarke, a devout member of a faith that is never made quite clear. “Who is the government to tell me I can’t love more than one woman? The government doesn’t know how much of me there is to go around!”
  2. “This is nothing more than sexual deviants using religion as a pretext for perversion!” says Reverend Vera Johannsen. “Marriage is one man, one woman, and death do we part. What’s so hard to get? Anything else is a perversion, and must be banned.”
  3. “Multiple wives? Excellent!” says passer-by Chastity Quimby. “Presumably we will allow multiple husbands, as well. And gay marriages, of course. In fact, now is probably the time for the government to butt out of marriage altogether. Let people marry their cats, if they want.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, companies are turning to trained gamblers for their most menial jobs.

2021-01-30 07:30

No Vocation Without Remuneration

Labor organizations are outraged by the practice of unpaid internships following the death of a student intern who worked hundred-hour weeks, desperately trying to get ahead in the finance industry. The unions are demanding the end of unpaid employment.

  1. “I can’t believe the government is allowing this barbaric practice to continue in Random Chaos!” shouts student union leader Finn Marshall into a megaphone. “We work long hours doing tedious work for no pay. It’s pure corporate exploitation. I’d hardly call alphabetizing papers or washing a CEO’s feet valuable work experience. The government must put an end to this horrendous scam!”
  2. “You can’t seriously be considering this nonsense?” gasps Uranium Mining CEO Don Skywalker as he plucks grapes from a silver platter held by a disgruntled female intern. “We provide our sla- I mean interns with the most glamorous work that the industry has to offer. They are a great asset to our company. Sure, they might not get paid, but we offer them valuable work experience that they can’t get anywhere else. And if they work hard, we even give them a reference. What’s wrong with that?”
  3. “Why bother with internships at all?” muses Roger Blair, an economics advisor, while lazily checking stock options. “The real solution would be to abolish all labor and workers’ rights laws and allow each company to set their own standards. Then you’ll see what jobs are really worth in Random Chaos. Without these labor restrictions, workers can freely find a workplace that offers better pay, and dumb loopholes like internships and worker’s comp will be a thing of the past.”
  4. “MORE deregulation?” snaps Abraham Haggard, your student intern, for once taking a break from filing your papers. “As if Random Chaos wasn’t capitalist enough. Fixing economic exploitation is going to take a lot more than outlawing internships. Stop the bourgeoisie from leeching off of everyone’s labor, and us workers could finally go to work knowing our hours of toil were actually building society. If you cared about anyone besides the rich, you’d nationalize the economy post-haste.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government seeks peaceful forum with terrorists.

2021-01-30 01:30

Terrorists Strike City Centre

All of Random Chaos has been in an uproar since yesterday when a car exploded in the middle of Random Chaos City, killing dozens and injuring hundreds. This terrorist act was traced back to a violent minority group known as the Lilliputian Freedom Fighters, a group allegedly supported by an unfriendly regime, despising Random Chaos for its heathenish ways and political bent, but more particularly for supporting the recent occupation of their homeland by an ally.

  1. “They simply crossed the line!” shouts General Zack Redwood. “Far too long have we tolerated these terrorist threats, it’s time that they realise they can’t mess with us. Send the order to prepare an invasion, and we will show them who is boss! Our brave soldiers are prepared to die for their country, all we need is your signature and a lot of money. But what is the cost of freedom and safety for Random Chaos’s peoples?”
  2. “Attacking another country isn’t the answer,” says Colin Wynne, director of the Random Chaosian Intelligence Agency. “The problem doesn’t lie abroad, but within Random Chaos itself! We should have more freedom to do our work. Protecting our nation from these cowardly scaremongers would be much easier if we had an inherent right to tap phones and other communications, get search warrants whenever we need, and detain suspects indefinitely. Remember, to prevent is better than to cure.”
  3. “No, that’s what those terrorists want us to do!” speculates chairperson Jazz Eko of the Patriots’ Tea and Biscuits Club. “We don’t want to give the Agency any more responsibility, they’re the ones who messed up in the first place. What we need is to purge Random Chaos of these rats who don’t respect the laws and traditions of our way of life. We know who they are and where they come from, so the solution is obvious: we just won’t let those sorts of people cross our borders and kick out those who are already here. It might seem a bit harsh, but hey, we were here first. Long live Random Chaos!”
  4. “I think it’s clear to anyone with half a brain in their head that this will just not work,” says Moff Love, a noted professor of social studies. “The people who perpetrate these terrible crimes do so because they feel they have no other recourse to demonstrate their political opinions. They’ll do anything and I’m sure they’re not above hiring mercenaries. You must understand why terrorists act as they do and fix it! What we should do is to reach out to the ethnic and religious minorities and seek common ground! Negotiation is the key! Violence solves nothing.”
  5. “We spit on Random Chaos!” expectorates Sue-Ann Shongwe, leader of the Lilliputian Freedom Fighters. “You disrespect our people and our country and everything we are! You spread your sickening influence where it is not wanted! You must change your ways and cease to oppose us or else there will be more bloodshed. You have been warned!”
  6. “Is terrorism such a terrible thing? Really?” asks Beth Bell, avant garde journalist, discreetly sliding a pipe bomb under your desk. “These people are simply expressing their political opinion the best way they know how. I think we should legalise terrorism as a legitimate form of political commentary. It’ll certainly get people interested, don’t you think?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pet loving officers arrest citizens who don't give their dogs enough biscuits.

2021-01-29 19:30

Lost in Translation

A young foreign exchange student was arrested in her language course a couple days ago when she accidentally said, “My friends and I are game for a shooting; we just need to figure out how to signal,” instead of, “My friends and I want to make a shooter game; we just need to learn how to code.” She was labeled a threat and is now facing deportation.

  1. “She is already failing my class,” says the girl’s instructor. “Why should she stay if she can’t communicate effectively? We ought to give everyone who enters the country a test that proves they can communicate with us! If they can’t get every question correct they should be forced to leave.”
  2. The girl, now able to explain herself with the help of a police-appointed interpreter, says, “I apologize if I frightened anyone, as that was not my intention. I only wanted to share my interest in video games instead of repeating simple sentences about apples and cats. This never would have happened in the first place if your language wasn’t so confusing! Why not simplify it and cut down on the amount of words so that it’s easier for everyone to learn?”
  3. “The real issue we should be talking about is the ham-fisted way this was handled by law-enforcement,” says the officer who was called to apprehend the girl. “I knew she wasn’t a threat, but I had orders! Individual police officers should be given more autonomy to decide how we do our jobs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, posing for pictures is an integral part of military training.

2021-01-29 13:30

Bringing a Bayonet to a Gunfight

It’s budget time and the military is in a fierce ideological struggle: should bayonets continue to be issued to the troops?

  1. “There’s nothing more terrifying than the sight of Random Chaosian steel!” asserts veteran General Williams, while skewering one of your childhood teddy bears that you still keep on your desk with a shank. “The bayonet is a tried and tested weapon; having a blade at the end of your gun is an essential back-up. Besides, it’s hardly like they’re the most expensive thing in the arsenal. Also, make sure the navy and air force have them too; you’ll never know when they’ll come in handy.”
  2. “Really, this is how you fight a modern war?” inquires Lieutenant Dredd, a rather suave junior officer, who then shoots the same teddy bear with a pistol. “Bayonets are relics of a by-gone era, kept alive only by old generals and LARPers. We kill our enemies from hundreds of kilometres away these days! The money saved by not purchasing millions of useless knives could instead buy us a nice new attack helicopter.”
  3. “Helicopters? Rifles? Nothing personal, Leader, but we only need an absolute minimum of military personnel for ceremonial duties,” declares Major Li, one of your more eccentric officers, as she swats the poor teddy bear with a Zweihander sword. “Imagine our finest soldiers wearing elegant full-dress uniforms and armed only with traditional swords. Have them stand at attention at sentry posts around our great capital and get them to change the guard every afternoon in front of your residence. Tourists will be delighted by such a show. That’s what a military should be used for!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the commercialisation of highly deadly weapons has instilled Random Chaos with a very polite populace.

2021-01-29 07:30

Unconventional Weapons Under Fire

A collection of citizens, civil rights workers, and concerned mothers have signed a petition to stop the manufacturing of the ‘BFG-69’ (AKA ‘the Organ Grinder’), a new rifle planned to be used in the military which works by shredding people’s internal organs.

  1. “Excuse me, but whenever has anyone ever heard of a weapon that WAS humane?” asks Chip Young, ballistics expert. “These are devices for firing slugs of metal at people. It’s not nice, but it IS necessary. People are always so squeamish. They’ve already accepted the standard ripping through the body of the standard bullet but the moment something a little more effective is made they kick up a fuss. Typical. These nonstandard weapons should only be put into trained military hands anyway. We’re not making rocking horses here, we’re protecting Random Chaos against her enemies! Just this once, let’s try to stay ahead of them.”
  2. “That’s right, if we don’t produce these weapons we will be left behind in the arms race,” says Iris Farnsworth, director of the Alliance of Rifles, Grenades, and Handguns. “These weapons are the future and it won’t just stop with the BFG-69. We’re planning on introducing the Bone-Breaker 1580-DX Sonic Rocket Launcher next year along with our anthrax grenade line. If Random Chaos is going to stay ahead of the game then it’ll just have to accept that highly destructive weaponry is part of life. We’d also like to sell it commercially to your police force and citizens if you’d just sign here...?”
  3. “No! This rifle is completely inhumane,” says Dr Mike Mansbridge, leaning on a cane. “These weapons are unnecessarily violent - how can anyone condone something that rips apart your innards like this? How long do you think it will be before these new inventions get into the wrong hands? Shootings are bad enough but at least most people are just wounded. The BFG-69 and those of its ilk are lethal in the extreme and are completely unacceptable! We need some moral decency here and get rid of these unconventional weapons along with all the other shameful armaments like mustard gas.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Automobile Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, imitation is the sincerest form of felony.

2021-01-29 02:00

Shine On, You Crazy Diamond

What was supposed to be a celebratory occasion — the addition of a flawless (and enormous) new diamond to the Random Chaosian National Museum — has instead turned into a national embarrassment. Independent experts have released a statement declaring the stone to be lab-created, casting doubt on whether the valuable display should be considered a ‘real’ gemstone.

  1. “This isn’t my fault!” trembles gem curator Kimberly Magellan, responsible for approving the enormously expensive purchase. “The dealer assured us it was a real diamond! An opportunity like that only comes around once in a blue moon, so we had to jump on it! There needs to be a law about this; imitation wares must be clearly labeled as knock-offs, going so far as to arrest dishonest sellers!”
  2. “That doesn’t go far enough!” roars mining entrepreneur Ranil De Beers, waving a diamond-studded cane wildly. “Just think! People buying luxury goods for low prices? These products are terrible for my bottom line — and the economy of Random Chaos, for that matter. Where will your taxes go when every John and Jane can get anything they want for just a few chips? These lab-created diamonds, along with all knock-off goods, must be banned!”
  3. “These gems really are fascinating,” muses gemologist Whoopi Bergman, examining a lab-created stone through a microscope. “The only difference between lab stones and the real thing is how these scientific marvels lack all of nature’s flaws. To heck with pulling up rocks from the ground; we should dominate the international market by churning these out in the lab! Think of the boon to our economy when other nations see the quality of the stones we’re ‘mining’ here! No need to tell them the real source, of course.”
  4. “This obsession with extravagance is unhealthy,” admonishes noted ascetic Colleen Guterres. “Fake? Real? Why does it matter in the end? We must look to the soul of Random Chaos, and pull back from this worship at the altar of luxury. Renounce riches, renounce commercialism, and encourage the people to do the same. Only in this way shall we reach enlightenment.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fighter pilots crash out of the air after failing to understand their foreign instruction manuals.

2021-01-28 19:30

Support Your Local Arms Manufacturer

After the Conglomerated Random Chaosian Arms Syndicate announced yet another setback in the development of a promised new fighter jet, the Hell-Gambler 3000, the Ministry of Defense is considering the previously unthinkable: importing from overseas.

  1. “You can’t! If you cancel the order, we’ll go out of business, putting Random Chaosian workers out of a job,” pleads Conglomerated Random Chaosian Arms Syndicate liaison, Isabelle Jackson. “We couldn’t have reasonably anticipated the problems refitting the cockpit to make it windproof. We’ll have the jet finished soon; I swear. In the meantime, maybe a generous contribution to your PR campaign would help convince you?”
  2. Commodore Miles Popov, Navy Chief of Procurement, is sick of the delays and cost overruns in the Hell-Gambler 3000 project. “We were promised this plane three years ago, at half the price. This is getting ridiculous. It’s time we found a supplier who can actually deliver on what they promised - even if that means importing from one of our overseas rivals.”
  3. “Why stop at fighter jets?” argues Colonel Stanislawa Whitlam, who has recently returned from an officer exchange program with suitcases brimming with gadgetry. “We should be inviting all the foreign arms firms to come and bid to completely replace all the rusting junk our Armed Forces currently has to put up with. Just imagine our brave soldiers fighting with cutting-edge jet packs, thermal detonators, and knockout gas! Some would call importing supplies un-Random Chaosian; I call it progress.”
  4. “Do you realize how many jobs that would cost, you blithering idiot?” foams union organizer Barbara Doolittle, diplomatic as ever. “Our arms industry employs people in every one of your marginal electoral districts, so you’d better listen to us... and if the fat cat bosses aren’t running things well, then maybe it’s time we re-nationalized! Under government control the factories will be churning out guns and ammo at twice the rate! And twice the price...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, main battle tanks stalk the woods of Random Chaos in search of gamblers.

2021-01-28 13:30

Gambler Hunting Laws Under Dispute

The fierce debate on gambler hunting in Random Chaos has been brought to your attention after vociferous supporters of both sides of the argument stormed your parliament.

  1. “Gambler hunting is a cruel and horrible ‘sport’ for the wealthy,” says Kimberly Mansbridge of the ‘Protect Anything Cute and Furry Society’. “How can you possibly justify it? Oh, they witter on about ‘tradition’ and ‘pest control’ and other such nonsense, but really we all know it’s because these sadists love to torture poor, innocent animals! Hunting must be banned!”
  2. “Banning gambler hunting would be the end for centuries of tradition!” wails esteemed aristocrat Themba Skywalker from atop his steed. “The thrill of the chase, the baying of the hounds, the gambler scooting through the undergrowth - it would be a travesty! We provide much needed stimulus to the local tourism, and you can’t deny that gamblers are pests - killing farmers’ livestock for example! I propose that gambler hunting be encouraged, for the cultural - and economic - benefit of the nation!”
  3. “Well, you know what I think?” asks Whoopi Black, while helping to assemble a small trebuchet. “I reckon that the real issue about this sport is the cruelty aspect, and no-one can deny that sending a pack of dogs to tear apart a poor, innocent gambler is cruel. I reckon we should just ban hunting with hounds and only allow kinder and more instantly lethal methods like guns, tranquillisers, and cruise missiles.”
  4. “I’m firmly against the slaughter of dumb animals,” says Colleen Hadfield, while feeding an infant gambler with a milk bottle. “It would be best if the animals didn’t die, and hunters could still do what they love to do - how about instead of shooting them or sending vicious canines after them, the hunter runs up to his quarry and gives it a symbolic ‘tap’ with his hand? Now isn’t that much nicer for everyone?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, love means always having to say you're sorry.

2021-01-28 07:30

The Madson-Hashley Scandal

A vigilante group has acquired and published the membership rolls of the Madson-Hashley Club, a secret group for those wanting to commit the illegal act of adultery. With a few high-profile suicides stemming from the leak, experts are concerned that prosecuting these adulterers will do more harm than good.

  1. “No-one deserves to feel this bad,” argues marriage counsellor Arnie Unterobernegger, a former politician and actor renowned for his love of eating out. “Think about the people who are going to be publicly shamed, having had their relationship put on trial. The whole process is shameful, and has already driven people over the edge. You should legalise adultery, and let the relationships of consenting adults be kept between them and their marriage counsellors.”
  2. A lady twisting her husband by the ear comes over. “Adultery is the ultimate betrayal and should always remain illegal. However, if I can find it within myself to forgive my spouse, then what’s the point of charging him with a crime? As the offended party, I should get to determine his... punishment. You’ve learned your lesson, haven’t you, darling?” Her husband nods slightly before she lets his ear go.
  3. “Your husband’s taken you for a fool,” snaps Anne-Marie Gillard, a stiff-necked staffer who has been cheated on by three different partners. “We should not be merciful to a sophisticated network intent on breaking our adultery laws. You must set up an anti-adultery task force to uncover and expose all the filthy cheaters in this nation! We must not stop until all their lives are destroyed. As for the people behind Madson-Hashley, they’re more than accomplices — they’re an organised crime syndicate, who should be treated as such.”
  4. “No-one is disputing that the adulterers broke the law, but these vigilantes have also callously destroyed the lives of many innocent partners who must live with the public shame of their spouse’s infidelity,” observes Ed Indy Sand, a privacy advocate. “They should have handed this information over privately to law enforcement, rather than raising a hullabaloo, airing all this dirty laundry in public. The vigilantes should be prosecuted for causing deliberate emotional and psychological harm.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, half-naked men feature prominently in official military materials.

2021-01-28 01:30

We Need a Few Good Men Who Like Men?

With military recruitment numbers down, there’s been some discussion in civilian circles of relaxing ‘sodomy’ regulations in the armed forces in order to allow homosexuals to serve openly. However, with the occasional reports from the field of suspected homosexuals being beaten by their squadmates, some wonder if such measures are really appropriate for the notoriously conservative culture of the military.

  1. “There will never be room for gays in our God-fearing service,” says Army Chaplain Orel Roze, absent-mindedly fingering the religious device of his office on his lapel. “I mean, uh, think about what it would do to morale. In the military men have to eat, live, and sleep in extremely close quarters and even consensual sexual relationships in the chain of command leads to leadership problems. It’s just a natural extension of fraternization rules... and not only that, but our current policy is actually a service to the poor misguided souls, since it prevents any temptation to act on their given perversion... I mean preference.”
  2. “God doesn’t enter into it,” says Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Angela Washington, head shaking. “Times are changing, and people are becoming more accepting of homosexuals. We have women in the military, and that surely leads to ‘temptation’, but for the most part everyone’s quite professional about it. Allowing homosexuals to serve openly will increase our recruitment pool and actually simplify things; just look at the Navy: hundreds of horny men in steel boxes in the middle of the ocean for up to six months at a time... there has to be a reason that people volunteer for that, right?”
  3. “This coming from some pampered soul in the Chair Force,” scoffs Commander Don Davis, calling in via satellite from aboard a destroyer. “Inter-service rivalries aside, ever read some of those ancient sagas about cities being besieged? Those ancient cultures had no problem with homosexuality; actually, it strengthened their resolve and spirit because they were literally fighting alongside their lovers, and anyone in the service will tell you it’s all about the guy standing next to you. Now, what if—and this is just a hypothetical, mind—based on this and to counter years of discrimination, only homosexuals were allowed to serve?”
  4. “That’s... interesting, but it doesn’t really address the problem, does it?” asks Lance Corporal Kellyanne Krustofsky, part of your honor guard. “Let’s look at it this way: only ten percent of the population is homosexual, right? No matter what, the majority will be heterosexual. We want homosexuals to serve, but there will always be a backlash against them. No regulation changes are needed if you just pen a policy where sexual orientation becomes a taboo subject in discussion—not like it’s anyone’s business to talk about their sexual interests in a professional military, right? This way homosexuals can serve, albeit quietly, and be happy, and the moral conservatives stay happy since the military is still ‘officially’ anti-gay. Of course, if anyone’s pulled out of the closet, their career is instantly over, but that’s the cost of compromise.”
  5. “We still have a military?” questions your Minister of Peace, scratching his unruly hair and smelling none too vaguely of patchouli. “Man, I thought we got rid of those war pigs and all that enlistment hoopla ages ago. Y’know, if you’d just listen to me and go with flowers instead of firearms, this whole gays-in-the-military thing wouldn’t be such a buzzkill all the time. Hey, speaking of buzzes, I just got these mighty strong Brancalandian Blues from a guy I know. I’m on one right now and they are far OUT. You wanna expand your mind with me? No? That’s cool too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, on-duty Air Random Chaos flight attendants are usually seen napping in first class.

2021-01-27 19:30

The Plane Truth

You’ve just returned from a pleasant “diplomatic summit” on the tropical island nation of East Calypso. As your plane approaches Random Chaos City Airport, bright sunlight glimmers upon the foreign names and insignia on a variety of parked aircraft. Eventually, you see a few shabby tail fins with the Air Random Chaos logo. The woeful assortment of filthy fuselages and peeling paint barely looks airworthy. Is the national airline truly that pathetic?

  1. While waiting for the airplane to reach the gate, you receive a call from Bryan Ringham, a management consultant and frequent flier. He doesn’t waste time with chitchat. “Did you know that overhead at Air Random Chaos has seen a 380% increase over the last ten years? They won’t be competitive with numbers like that. You could help them by eliminating all regulations that prevent airlines from charging for extra services such as seat reservations, checked bags, and clean drinking water. We can have a nice, lucrative budget airline here — and maybe even create some revenue for the shareholders!”
  2. As you disembark and enter the airport, you run into a group of flight attendants who are wearing the national airline’s uniform and carrying protest signs. Their leader approaches you. “Your Excellency! Our working conditions are appalling. Air Random Chaos will never be able to improve if we’re all working sixty hours a week for the industry’s worst wages. Anyone who can get a better job with one of the foreign competitors like Maxay Pacific or Althaniq Airways has already left. Decreased hours and improved pay would do wonders for morale — meaning that we could serve the passengers better, of course.”
  3. Following this confrontation, your security detail ushers you through an employee break area to bypass the crowds. However, you are soon ambushed by airline manager Gabriel Aileron, who appears to have packed his lunch in an airsickness bag. “Why don’t we just ban all the foreign airlines?” he declares, while still chewing his food. “All of these outsiders are taking our people’s money and sending it to our enemies! A true patriot only flies Air Random Chaos, no matter how lousy the service is or how many times we skip routine maintenance— er, I mean, skip the needless luxuries. Without any foreign competition, we could keep every last chip within our borders.”
  4. Later, FlyerChat forum moderator ‘Queen of the Skies’ sends you a private message. “Air Random Chaos has nothing but disregard for its loyal passengers. First of all, the frequent flyer miles are useless. My most recent valuation puts them at only one-thousandth of a chip. Award availability is terrible, even with zirconium status. And don’t get me started on the atrocious brand of caviar they serve in first class! This needs to be an airline that cares about its passengers, even if that requires huge government subsidies to bring it up to par. The first order of business is to change the elite mileage ratios to— hold on, I’ve got another troll who keeps calling us a bunch of nerds. Let the banning commence!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, costumed characters wearing Maxtopian Grass leaves remind citizens that the government now sells the green stuff.

2021-01-27 13:30

Don’t Fear the Reefer

Maxx Grass Corporation and Green Way Growers, two of the largest marijuana producers in the nation, recently announced a merger that is expected to be worth billions. As the recreational drug industry continues to grow, many are wondering if this joint venture is right for Random Chaos.

  1. “Let’s just hold our horses on all this ‘merger’ talk,” murmurs Commerce Minister Megan ‘Trust Buster’ Simpson as she polishes an oversized walking stick. “If these two companies merge, the resulting behemoth would monopolize at least 75% of the industry. How would any of the smaller businesses be able to compete? For the good of our many hard-working entrepreneurs who are just trying to sell enough weed to put food on the table, we must block this merger, and hash out some legislation to prevent this situation from recurring.”
  2. “These companies are making record profits off the green stuff!” notes your Finance Minister, who is wearing a Maxtopian Grass t-shirt. “It’s high time that the government got involved. Rather than blocking the merger, why don’t we just become the competition? We already have trade access to the far-flung locations that produce rare strains like Manamana Maneater and Brasilistan Bomber. We’ll also be able to guarantee the quality of our products and maintain purity levels that you just won’t find in the private industry. Imagine what we can do with the sales revenue!”
  3. “Why should we allow private companies to reap all the rewards, man?” asks your stoner brother after obnoxiously puffing some Maxtopian Grass smoke in your face. “The government should like, nationalize the drug industry! These corporations are like, totally evil and they freak me out. Marijuana distribution would be way safer in government hands. Down with Big Drugs!”
  4. “I think that stuff’s getting to your head,” replies Aziz Berenstain, the CEO of Maxx Grass Corporation, while rolling his eyes. “I’ll have you know that two percent of our profits are donated to local schools, hospitals, and crime prevention programs. If the government were to muscle in on our turf, it would make them no better than the shady drug dealers of old, and would reduce the amount of money that we could donate. If anything, the government should let us continue with the merger so that we can expand our business across Random Chaos with as little red tape as possible.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, weather reports simply advise Random Chaosians to 'look outside'.

2021-01-27 07:30

Siren Song

During a severe weather outbreak yesterday, weather sirens raised the alarm about the incoming danger. However, that didn’t seem to concern residents, who had grown all too used to constant tests and malfunctions associated with the aging system. Following dozens of fatalities, a discussion has arisen regarding the best method to warn the public about approaching weather threats.

  1. “I’m tired of weathering weather sirens!” shouts storm survivor Akira Garrison, still wearing his soggy raincoat. “I’m in my house, glued to my phone, when I thought I heard a train. Turns out, it was no train; it was a twister coming straight at me! Sure, I heard the sirens, but they go off all the time! Instead of listening out for old sirens, we should get official weather alerts through our phones. I mean, people definitely won’t ignore their cell phones!”
  2. “Well, not everyone has a cell phone, and what if its battery dies in the middle of a storm, what then?” questions Random Chaos Emergency Management spokesperson Dorothy Medina. “The biggest advantage to sirens is that we can assure that they will always work... as long as they aren’t old, malfunctioning, or whatever. It should be clear that a refit of the siren system is on the radar. All we need to do is update them to be more... attention-grabbing. I’m sure citizens won’t ignore weather sirens if we replace the wail with, say, a blood-curdling scream!”
  3. “Why is it the government’s responsibility to warn us of incoming life or death situations?” rants well-known libertarian political speaker Jacob Stephenson, failing to intervene as his infant picks up a nearby nail gun. “It’s the responsibility of the individual to ensure their own safety. We shouldn’t be wasting chips maintaining a faulty, hardly-used system. I say we let the old siren system die, save ourselves some money, and call it a day. If the average Random Chaosian doesn’t have enough common sense to take caution when the weather gets bad, then I forecast that Random Chaos has a far bigger problem.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the alarmingly racist TV show 'Bigtopians Say the Darndest Things' is a hit.

2021-01-27 01:30

Minorities Demand Representation in TV Soaps

Random Chaos’s TV soaps—famous around the region—have come under fire for their lack of ethnic diversity.

  1. “Every night my family and I sit down to watch ‘The Brash and the Backstabbing’,” says Virginia Kidman. “But where are the Lilliputians like myself? Where are the Bigtopians? The Marche Noirians? People from those cultures can be just as brash and backstabbing, but we never see them on the screen. The government must act to remove this silent apartheid from our TV screens.”
  2. “Those Lilliputians don’t know how good they have it,” says Chun-Li Rios, spokesperson for the Tasmanians Against Ethnic Stereotyping. “Tasmanians are on television all the time, but always in crude, stereotypical roles. The answer is not to enforce ethnic quotas, but to award government prizes for the positive portrayal of minorities. That’ll work better, and be cheaper, too.”
  3. “The government should do what now?” says TV studio executive Hercules Zaius. “You’ve got to be kidding. We make soaps here, not documentaries. I should be able to put whichever characters I want into my shows. Quotas! Government prizes! God save me! Hasn’t the government got anything better to do? Why don’t they just back off and let society work out these things on its own?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there has been a series of riots between local cannibals and health food advocates.

2021-01-26 19:30

Cannibals Demand to Taste What Random Chaos Has to Offer

A coalition of tribalists, health experts, and civil rights proponents have recently suggested legalizing cannibalism for consumers of willing would-be meals.

  1. “I see absolutely no problem with people digging into each other at dinnertime, so long as everyone is willing,” quips Willie Stoker, the editor of the monthly magazine To Serve Man. “Not only does it solve hunger problems and create jobs, but it also adds variety to Random Chaos’s sometimes dull palate.”
  2. Civil rights leader Carter Butler, who came out publicly for moderate pro-cannibalism legislation, comments: “While it may strike some as a crude, even evil practice, our ancestors have practiced cannibalism for years. If we create a government organization to strictly regulate and grade all human meat prior to its arrival on the market, we can ensure that respect for diversity is maintained while health concerns are also allayed. And instead of killing average people, why not make being turned into snack foods a post-mortem option? Like donating your body to science!”
  3. “You’re all absolutely out of your minds!” exclaims Holly Hernandez, head of Random Chaos’s largest health-food manufacturer. “It’s immoral, it’s unhealthy, and it’s disgusting. Not only are these so-called ‘dietary rights’ activists leading us down a dark path of sin, but right into a marketplace with yet another product that’s almost as bad as beef!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, caroling is considered a public disturbance.

2021-01-26 13:30

As You Don’t Like It

Duke Popov of Lower Random Chaos City-Upon-Tyne caused quite a stir this weekend after he had a traveling minstrel group chased out of town. While some fellow peers have accused him of being humorless, the Duke countered that the troupe was subverting his authority with their seditious acts.

  1. “That troupe’s impromptu performance was scandalous,” spits the irate Duke. “Caricaturing me as the villain in their little Scheherazade knock-off? The nerve of those performers! Do you think I let these thespian transients wander around my domain just to watch them humiliate our way of life? I’ve no obligation to provide charity to a bunch of disrespectful wretches. Leader, forbid these flimflam singsongs and outlaw this sort of vagrancy before some smart-alecky troupe comes knocking at your door. We’ll all be safer for it in the long-run.”
  2. “Have you no sense of perspective?” exclaims beaten and ragged minstrel Daenerys Whitlam, haphazardly waving a flute around. “Satire is essential for introspection! Don’t be such a stuffed shirt. If you really want performers off the street, let us musicians be officially patronized by the government. Just assign a musical group to each noble family, and our melodious tunes will surely lighten the load on their noble shoulders.”
  3. “Isn’t that what you employ oddfellows like me for?” grumbles grizzled jester Krusty Gambler, covered profusely in tomato stains. “Me and my mates, your musicians, clowns, acrobats, dancing poodle performers, you name it - we’re smart enough not to bite the hand that feeds us. Construct a grand theatre for all to see and adore us, and we’ll sing your praises loud enough to drown out the voices of petty satire.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, requests to "pass the salt" are supported by tank divisions.

2021-01-26 07:30

Taking the Peace?

The Nobble Peace Prize is an international accolade that is ostensibly awarded to individuals that work for fraternity between nations, reduce standing armies and promote peace. To your surprise, the Skandilundian council that picks the winners has let you know that this year they intend to award it to you. You receive the news while on a military base, welcoming home divisions of battle-hardened soldiers fresh from ongoing conflicts on the Tasmanian border.

  1. “Looks like the Peace Prize Committee has been convinced to celebrate your pacifism,” laughs Brigadier General Chau, offering you a clipboard to sign off the latest military budget increase. “That’s a victory for our chaps in the diplomatic corps, pulling strings and working their magic and reframing our military activities as being for global good. You should be proud of them and the propaganda wars they fight on your behalf. Better get working on an acceptance speech, eh?”
  2. “Maybe we should instead be trying to make ourselves worthy of the prize?” suggests your niece, symbolically swatting at the military officer with an olive branch. “Bring overseas troops home, honourably discharge them from service and begin a process of demilitarisation. Like I always say to my mum, there’s no need to be so hostile.”
  3. “Ha, these feeble Skandilunders are terrified of us, and they’re trying to placate us by offering us this petty tribute,” laughs your Minister of Bovine Disruption of Porcelain Retail. “We should accept the prize, but suggest that rather than a cash prize, perhaps they could cede us a little territory, maybe those halite mines in the northwest. We can deploy the army along their border to emphasise the strength of your opinion.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government adverts say that twelve lashes a day keeps divine wrath at bay.

2021-01-26 01:30

No Need to Beat Yourself Up About It

Now is the Holy Week of the religion of the Tranquility of Yellow. Seven days of divine celebration climax on the last day, when young men and boys self-flagellate in the streets in order to prove their devotion to their god. This display is always a bloody spectacle, and sometimes participants end up in hospital.

  1. “This is a horrid exhibition,” declares Iris Hesse, a young mother who had to dodge the self-flagellants as she brought her kids home from school. “How can this primitive horror show be permitted in our civilized society? At the end of the day, there’s so much blood in the street that it looks like a battlefield. Ban this frightful demonstration and force those Yellowite weirdos to pray nicely!”
  2. “Yes, blood in the street never looks good,” concurs Aphrodite Patel, your Chief of Police. “Foreign news agencies that aren’t friendly towards us always claim that the blood comes from Random Chaosian police brutality. Be that as it may, we can’t give them fuel to add to their fire. Tell these Yellowites that if they must flog themselves, do it inside their own homes — not on the streets!”
  3. “If eternal damnation is what you seek, Leader, then go ahead and ban it,” smugly declares Sebastian Siena, a Yellowite priest, as his nurse tends to his many wounds. “The week of Holy Yellow has been observed for a thousand years, and the act of scourging ourselves en masse is the pinnacle of the week! We must be allowed to follow our religious ideals without hindrance: the commandments say that we need to be punished. In fact, it wouldn’t hurt if the government be more supportive of us flagellants: start portraying Holy Yellow in a more positive way, and let’s see some advertisements about the benefits of self-flagellation. Yes... just like that!” The priest screams in ecstasy as his nurse tends to a particularly deep wound.
  4. “That’s not a bad idea,” muses Ebenezer Waialiki, the principal of your niece’s school, who came to your office to discuss the best way to discipline your wayward niece. “Everyone’s going on these days about how corporal punishment on kids should be banned. I guess we could spank them less to satisfy the bleeding hearts. And thus, in order to still maintain order in schools, we should make a law that forces kids to punish themselves: ‘Timmy, you didn’t do your homework — whip yourself for ten minutes’. It’s perfect!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian companies generally just fire employees in lieu of giving them vacation.

2021-01-25 19:30

Jobless Fair

After a much-touted job fair in Random Chaos City resulted in only two hires, the discouraged and desperate unemployed are calling for the government to step in and make job fairs more effective.

  1. “This can’t go on!” wails one forlorn job-seeker, wearing a t-shirt with her entire resume printed on it. “I’ve been to twenty-three job fairs and I haven’t gotten a single interview! There’s too much hiring through back-channel networks, like being hired just for happening to be the CEO’s cousin. Companies should be placed under a mandate to blind hire only through career fairs, with government oversight to ensure that only the most qualified applicants are being hired.”
  2. “Yeah, regulations always help businesses grow,” says Agnieszka Bullock, CEO of Widgets Inc, her voice ripe with sarcasm. “If you want businesses to hire more people at job fairs, the government needs to relax regulations surrounding hiring and firing employees. And how about a few thousand chips tax break for each job applicant companies hire at the fairs? I promise, it’ll jump start the economy and pay for itself.”
  3. “The problem is there’s no one in Random Chaos who is actually qualified to fill the jobs I need,” sighs Anita Jobs, CEO of the major tech company Pear. “Can you please drop this silly immigration ban already? Once tech companies like Pear reboot the economy, I’m sure these hapless job fair attendees will be able to get jobs at McRonald’s or something.”
  4. “It is obvious relying on the private sector to create jobs has failed!” wails your top Employment Minister, who also happens to be your cousin. “A well-planned state economy would fix all of this. Just think of the efficiency of it, we could simply assign people jobs, and imagine the comfort Random Chaosians would have if they knew they were assured a job before they even finished school? We could even tailor people’s education to improve their productivity at their future careers!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 9 out of 10 consumers think that vitamins can cure cancer.

2021-01-25 13:30

A Word From Our Sponsors

With its colorful packaging and pleasantly sweet aroma, Health-Squirt Vitamin Juice has rapidly become one of the most popular drink products in Random Chaos. Helping its sales are prime-time TV adverts claiming that it is “a superfood that puts immune system boosting natural detox elements and energy-enhancing anti-oxidant vitamins into your cardiovascular system”. It was recently discovered that the product has no such qualities, and the adverts are clearly lying.

  1. “False Advertising, Nuisance To Public!” proclaims Ami Reyes, lead journalist for Health Magazine, clearly planning her next newspaper headline. “But will it ever go away? In this journo’s humble opinion, yes! Maybe the government should review advertisements to make sure we get THE TRUTH!”
  2. “Or you could relax on our beautiful lounge chairs on our charming private beach,” suggests marketing rep Don Xiaoping, offering you an ice-cool bottle of Health-Squirt, now with Sports Slurp TechnologyTM. “It’s not like we’re doing any harm, and promoting the idea of health has got to be of some benefit to those zombified couch potatoes who sit and play Gamblers vs Skeletons all day. We didn’t really do anything wrong, right? Don’t treat people like idiots who don’t know what they’re buying. Treat them like idiots who keep the consumer economy going! Deregulate advertising, and the free market will create wealth for Random Chaos.”
  3. A tired-looking and shaggy-haired fellow plops down into your comfiest chair. “You know what, Leader? I have had enough of ads. They interrupt my television watching, and we’re basically immune to them anyway.” He sips his Eckie-Cola and adjusts his designer sweatband. “I say we ban all TV advertisements between midday and midnight so we can watch the good stuff on the telly uninterrupted. Now, can I go back to watching my soap opera?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, adults pretending to be teenage girls claim to have wholesome motives.

2021-01-25 07:30

The Woman From AUNT

An intelligence team, the “Agents Undercover to Neutralize Troublemakers”, has pinpointed the headquarters of notorious crime boss Sal Bone. Unfortunately, it is concealed within a local orphanage, of which Mr. Bone is a sponsor. Lacking only a smoking gun, AUNT has come to your office with a delicate request.

  1. “AUNT would like to launch a mole operation inside the orphanage,” buzzes Special Agent Lara Dodinas, radioing in from an undisclosed location. “One problem: none of the team is young enough to pull off an effective inside job. We’ve been kicking around the idea of recruiting and training a few kids — maybe orphans themselves — to act as our eyes and ears. Already got a circus kid named Grayson as a potential candidate. There’s a lot of covert situations where juvenile agents could be useful. If this mission goes well, we could even expand their role into a full-time intelligence division.”
  2. “The team opinion ain’t unanimous!” yells Special Agent Cassidy Le Carré, her voice crackling through the receiver. “We don’t need to endanger defenseless children! We just need to teach smaller-sized adult women how to act like kids. With a convincing enough performance, I’m sure they’ll pass as kids in no time!”
  3. “What are these fools waiting for?” bellows Colonel Santos, furiously switching off the communication channel. “A 90% certainty is good enough for me. The best thing to do is to stop messing about, and authorize SWAT teams to kick down doors, blast holes in walls, and raid the orphanage, ASAP. Perhaps if we had a little more efficiency, we could cut AUNT’s departmental budget, and channel it into funding actual combat-ready military counter-terrorism units.”
  4. “I represent a group which is... strongly concerned... with the ever-increasing surveillance state within this great nation,” murmurs a Random Chaosian in a dapper black suit, sidling into the room to hand you a freshly-printed business card. “Spying on a private citizen, a benefactor of an orphanage no less, is nothing less than harassment.” He gestures tenderly to a large briefcase sitting next to him. “I’m sure a... satisfactory arrangement can be reached here. You wouldn’t want to frighten some perfectly innocent children, now would you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, euthanasia is illegal.

2021-01-25 01:30

Cancer Sufferer Demands Euthanasia Bill

Dorothy Terwilliger lies immobilized in a hospital bed, unable to move. She has end-stage cancer, and wishes to end her struggle against death. However, laws prevent her doctors from obeying her wishes.

  1. Dorothy and her family are campaigning for a “Dying with Dignity” bill, to change this situation. She implores the government to legalize euthanasia.
  2. “I understand this is a very difficult time for these people,” says freelance medical writer Nomathemba Longbottom. “But the solution is not to let our medical system slide down the slippery slope of killing people in pain. We must cure, not kill. This is not the right time for euthanasia.”
  3. “I agree, but go further: there is never a right time for euthanasia,” says Bishop Wei Sharp. “The lives we lead are given to us by the grace of God, and he decides when they end. It is not for us to question God’s divine purpose, no matter how odd or screwed-up it may seem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the public health bureaucracy is wrapped in miles of red tape.

2021-01-24 20:00

Fluoride Controversy a Toothy Problem

Recent reports revealing that the dental health of Random Chaos is far below the regional average have ignited a fierce debate over whether to introduce fluoride to the nation’s tap water reserves.

  1. “Fluoride has been shown time and time again to promote dental health,” argues Dr. Edwin Namel, Chairperson of ‘Friends of The Teeth’. “It’s not an experimental drug for heaven’s sake, it’s an accepted method of promoting national good health. A nationwide program for the fluoridation of drinking water should not be seen as optional - it’s a no-brainer for any sensible government. We need to implement this now, whether the public want it or not.”
  2. “I am strongly against this proposal!” rages Agnes Dice, one of the more vociferous members of the Random Chaos Green Society. “When I turn on the water tap I expect to get just that. Water. Nothing else. We are not lab rats and it is not the government’s place to force us into taking these chemicals! In fact I reckon we should put the brakes on all these new chemicals doctors keep pumping into people and give us the right to say no!”
  3. “There’s no need to go to either extreme,” says Dave Foster, your personal dentist. “It’s all about, um, choice. Here’s a nice alternative: why not just have clean non-fluoridated drinking water and give more funds to dentists? If we had enough money, we could make all dental care absolutely free! It will be demanding on the taxpayers I know, but they’ll surely be happy when they all have sparkling white teeth!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Eckie-Ecola has declared that their soda poop is The Real Thing.

2021-01-24 13:30

What’s Got Into Random Chaos?

A newly-imported brand of coffee from Macronesia has a rather funny name: W’Anc. The implications of this ‘lost in translation’ event have been causing quite a stir.

  1. “Here, you must taste W’Anc before passing judgement,” insists the Macronesian ambassador, pouring coffee into your mouth, leaving you to either spit out or swallow. “This drink very popular in my country, the beans are pressed between the buttocks of exotic maidens! Maybe name is a bit funny here in Random Chaos, but this can be the learning moment for all. Instead of laughing, maybe be teaching Random Chaosians to learn about different cultures and be appreciating of our fine liquids. Now my friend, you want another W’Anc? It’s the best!”
  2. “That name is intentionally rude,” proclaims Athena Gilbreth, leader of morality group Teachers Improving Societal Sophistication Until Excellence. “We cannot allow such vulgarity to exist within Random Chaos. Can you imagine teenagers going to a coffee shop and asking for a... I shudder to think! You must force this distastefully-named product to be rebranded, and fine any organisation that puts offensive words in the public eye.”
  3. “Hey, check out this picture I’ve got here,” proclaims your niece, who’s been chuckling to herself the whole time. “My friend, who is in Smalltopia, sent me this picture after she saw this sign in the window of a laundromat there. It says ‘drop your pants here’! You should make a law that states all businesses must have funny mistakes in their advertising. The laughter therapy will make Random Chaos the happiest place in the world!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all children's clothes come in only cream and off-white to prevent offense.

2021-01-24 08:00

It’s a Girl Thing

A commercial for a new childrenswear boutique has been unveiled, sparking debate over gender stereotypes in advertising. It features a young girl ballet-dancing in a rose-pink bedroom, holding a baby-pink toy unicorn and a fluffy cameo-pink magic wand, while wearing matching cotton-candy pink dancing shoes, a tiara and flounced pink tutu.

  1. “This is explicit sexism for all ages!” cries feminist Kendall Plantagenet, while graffiti-tagging an advert that depicts a woman cheerily vacuuming as her family unwraps their Maxxmas presents. “Don’t you see that such stereotypes are harmful to everyone, that you’re telling all girls that the only thing they’re good for is being beautiful? We’ve got six-year-old girls who only want to grow up to be pretty. How’s that helping to encourage them to be productive citizens? Eliminate ads that perpetuate the lie of gender-specific roles. Allow everyone to grow up as the wonderful, unique individuals they are!”
  2. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” groans Man’s World Inc. CEO Bharatendu Weber, who’s writing copy for his company, the advert for which features a man in a garish shirt being served coffee by a bevy of kneeling maidens. “We use stereotypes because they’re what customers want! Girls like pink and enjoy playing house; boys like guns and cars. It’s basic biology, nature not nurture, as countless biopsychology experiments with chimps have shown. Advertisers shouldn’t be censored, and normal people who are happy for little girls to be little girls will shop away, happy as clams.”
  3. “The impact of ads can be used to our advantage,” states your Minister of Niceness Jabulani Deming, tutting disapprovingly at Ms. Plantagenet, who is still writing anatomical suggestions of where you might stick the vacuum. “Pay financial incentives to advertisers who depict Random Chaosians in stereotype-shattering roles, so society will become more open-minded. Imagine: women playing exhausting sports, toasting friends in a coffee shop, wiring a plug, administering a company, even growing a beard. And men, too long derided as incompetent homemakers, unafraid to nurture a baby in public, tend a sick parent, or cook a meal. Break antiquated gender roles and protect your citizens’ freedom!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, horns and hypocrisy are the newest exports of Random Chaos.

2021-01-24 01:30

Poacher Pandemic

Poachers have hunted the great-horned gambler to the verge of extinction; the creature’s horn is commonly used as a medicinal ingredient for its alleged aphrodisiac qualities in Dàguó. With diminishing numbers of the animal left in the wild, some claim that the threat of its demise looms near.

  1. “Are we placing the interests of a few dirty old beasts over that of our citizens?” enquires notorious game hunter Aphrodite Kringle, while showing you her collection of stuffed dead animal heads. “If anything the government should sell licenses to private hunters and give us the sport of putting the last of these wretched creatures out of their misery. You can give back the license fees to the taxpayers in the form of income tax cuts.”
  2. “There’s no need to be so gung-ho,” proposes park ranger Ebenezer Roosevelt, while showing you photos of animals he has caught and released. “The government could sell licenses to private hunters, but only to hunt the much more abundant lesser-spotted gambler. Then you can use that money to fund the conservation of the great-horned gambler. Perhaps after a few years the lesser-spotted gambler will become endangered too, but then we could just hunt something else.”
  3. “I have a way to solve this,” notes Khethiwe Dice, your Minister for Alternative Solutions, while using lemonade to water your plants. “The great-horned gambler can live without its horn, and the horn is all the citizens of Dàguó want. Why don’t we just sedate the animals and carefully cut off the horns and sell them ourselves legally? That way the animal gets to live and we turn a profit!”
  4. “Selling the horns legally isn’t the answer,” declares mercenary Rajesh Foster, while whittling a crude gambler using his over-sized hunting knife. “The trade will increase their demand, so poachers will still be around trying to get there first. This problem would be solved if there weren’t any of these poaching scum in the first place. Just pay my team a generous sum and we will kill them all for you. Then you can be sure they won’t harm these beautiful creatures ever again.”
  5. “We have to save this noble beast!” proclaims budding environmentalist Weena McCartney, wearing a ridiculous looking fake horn on her hat in solidarity. “We need highly trained and armed park rangers to guard the remaining animals around the clock. Not only that, but also prosecute retailers who sell any product derived from the horn, as well as individuals who possess it. And we need our top scientists to work on ensuring these creatures breed more and their numbers recover. If we don’t do all these things, we could lose this amazing animal forever.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, third world countries are rich in "I Love Random Chaos City" t-shirts.

2021-01-23 19:30

Crate Work, Plane and Simple

Officials from the tiny, allied nation of Prudenlund have requested that Random Chaos assist in a series of humanitarian aid airdrops to one of its distant territories. The target for the drops — a chain of sparsely-inhabited islands recently ravaged by storms — has been difficult for Prudenlundian authorities to reach, as their nation lacks sufficient transport assets.

  1. “We have everything ready to go, just nothing for all of it to go in,” moans the Prudenlundian Ambassador to Random Chaos. “The island chain is too distant for our smaller aircraft, and sea delivery will take too long. That’s why we’d appreciate it if our friends in Random Chaos could spare a few military transport aircraft, and carry out the drops for us. We only really need the planes, but if Random Chaos would like to provide additional supplies to drop, soap or unwanted clothes or something, that’d be great too.”
  2. “Look man, I’d be down with sendin’ a couple planes or somethin’, but y’all Prudenlund people obviously haven’t brought any gas money,” says a young, brutally frugal official from the finance ministry’s Fiscal Responsibility and Economic Excellence division. “And since y’all don’t have gas money, it’s gotta be a no on this whole airdrop thing. Ditto for all our other expensive and wasteful aid commitments elsewhere. Tell ya what though, I’ll drop a line to the World Assembly or somethin’, ask them to help out instead. Y’all got phone money?”
  3. “Isn’t that island chain famous for its coffee plantations?” muses your Minister for Agriculture. “You know, they’re actually direct competitors in coffee exports, and the low strength of their currency is giving them a disproportionate market share. I suggest we deliver the aid, but contaminate the crates with fungus spores, to subtly sabotage their coffee production. We’ll look like we’re helping while covertly establishing a competitive advantage.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pros are the new cons.

2021-01-23 13:30

Amateur Hour

The Random Chaos College Sports Association has a long-standing policy that collegiate athletes do not get paid. Several high-profile players have taken to camping out in the student loan office until their grievances are addressed.

  1. “Our team brings zillions of chips to campus,” notes Malon Gonzalez, a member of the University of Random Chaos gamblerball team. “We put our blood, sweat, and tears into representing this school, and we don’t even get compensation for our work! Give us a share of the wealth we create, so we can pay for tuition, books, and alco... well, all the necessities.”
  2. “Kids these days,” trails off Sean Morricone, an executive of the RCCSA, struggling to remember his talking point. “I mean to say, they’re already being paid in scholarships! Elite athletes will have plenty of time to profit from their talents once their school days are over, so don’t let scholarship recipients be distracted by monetization. They need to stay focused on earning their degrees.”
  3. “Not all sports are equally profitable,” says snow volleyball player Alfred Swift, taking a break from practice. “Professionalizing collegiate athletes would let popular gamblerball players like Gonzalez make bank while programs like mine fall by the wayside. Random Chaos should enforce a code of amateurism in all its sports, on campus or off. It’s the only way to be fair.”
  4. “Who let all these jocks on campus?” questions Ellie Cartman, an honors student at the University of Random Chaos City. “The point of higher education is to pursue knowledge and prepare for your career, not watching your sweaty classmates fight over their balls. Let’s do away with college sports entirely and reaffirm our commitment to what university is really about: learning, research, and pursuing hot co-eds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's soldiers often believe they're in the Air Force.

2021-01-23 08:00

Blitzed

Recent historical research has revealed that the Smalltopian army’s ‘Lightning War’ was ultimately successful because their troops had been given large doses of methamphetamine. Your top generals have encircled you in your office and this conversation isn’t going to be an easy trip.

  1. “The Smalltopians crushed their enemies with their Lightning War,” states Lieutenant General Stoker, well known for her singular battlefield tactic of ‘more cannon fodder’. “They marched non-stop for four days and nights through thick forest, while carrying full packs, then fought and easily defeated their foes at the end. If Random Chaos wants to win any future wars quickly and efficiently, we need to start issuing our troops with methamphetamines.”
  2. “Methamphetamine does seem to be a useful addition to a war effort,” ponders Major General Bush, who prefers to lead by example. “However, there are health issues to consider. Methamphetamine should only be given to elite troops on dangerous missions. When those missions are over, there needs to be a comprehensive rehabilitation period to make sure no one is addicted or suffering from any side effects.”
  3. “Methamphetamine is a lethal drug!” declares General Andrew Cheavers-Ciphil of the Army Medical Corps, as he hands out pamphlets on the dangers of narcotics. “If we want our troops to win battles, then they must be fully coherent and at the peak of their physical fitness — not pumped full of drugs! In fact, all forms of substance abuse must be banned in the military: narcotics, tobacco and even caffeine.”
  4. “Why only soldiers?” questions your secretary, as he grinds his teeth incessantly, makes you a drink with one hand and takes meeting minutes with the other. “Look at all this work I have piled up on my desk, not to mention all the other tasks I’m expected to carry out. There’s never enough time in the day! Dose every worker in Random Chaos with methamphetamines and see how efficient they become!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Advanced Law Enforcement.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fiscal policy hawks decry the sizable "panem et circenses" fund added to the public budget.

2021-01-23 01:30

An Expensive Watch

Sporting events have always drawn big crowds of passionate fans, but those same crowds can bring a temporary surge in crime. While extra policing can be assigned, questions have been raised over who should pay for this.

  1. “These are big-profit events for the corporations that run them, but they generate considerable externalities which must be paid for by taxpayers,” explains Police Assistant Accountancy Director Kate Martin, seeming excited to be at the centre of attention for once. “Let the profiteers pick up the extra cost, as guesstimated... I mean, carefully calculated by my department.”
  2. “Excuse me? Since when have private companies been liable to fund public services?” retorts CEO Nikita Smiley, showing you an empty wallet to emphasise his point, though his gesture is diminished in impact by it being a ridiculously expensive crocodile-skin, diamond-studded designer piece. “If you cut into profits, you discourage free market enterprise, and if you do that, there’ll be less sporting entertainment. And you know what happens when a populace doesn’t get its sports? That’s right - they start thinking about politics, and criticising their social betters. Do you really want that to happen?”
  3. “Oi oi, there’s no need for all this bovver,” grins die-hard fan Four Fingers Jack, hiding a bloodied length of scaffolding pole behind his back. “So we like to let off a bit of steam before and after the match, and have a bit of a scrap. It’s all good fun, and nobody who don’t wants to be there has to be there if they don’t wants to be, right? So why not give the rozzers the day off, and let us sort ourselves out?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian watches list strained wrists as a common side effect.

2021-01-22 19:30

A Timely Intervention

You and your cabinet are on a tour of the nearby Random Chaos Watch Factory, which has long been famous throughout all of The Hatrackia. The poor state of the factory — and its rapidly declining sales figures, carelessly left on the manager’s desk — are clear for all to see. Shuffling by your side, the manager sighs: “Leader, we’ve had some tough years here. But we don’t know what to do to bring the good days back.”

  1. “The issue here is competition from emerging technology,” proffers your Minister of Science and Technology Dr. Jonathan Osterman, shaking his head at the sight of a dusty lathe. “These watches are outdated compared to the latest Skandilundian quartz watches. We need a nuclear option to adjust the balance. Atomic clocks are well known for their accuracy, so what if we started producing atomic watches? The watches may be slightly bulkier than we’re used to and our watchmakers will need some training in the correct handling of caesium, but with a little government funding and innovation in compact atomic design, our watch market will explode... erm, figure of speech.”
  2. “The solution is moving back in time, not forwards,” muses your Minister of Culture Vanna Kwan. “Mechanical watches from Smalltopia are still very popular. They have 27 rubies throughout the movement. Rubies! They put jewels in their watches! Go back to the timekeeping of yesteryear, and cater to the luxury watch market. My Ministry will organize an annual The Hatrackia Luxury Watch Expo to promote the watches on the international stage! Sure, mechanical watches aren’t as accurate, and they will be more expensive, but to own a timeless piece of reproduction horological history? Truly priceless.”
  3. “Atoms? Jewels? Those watches would never survive a hard day’s work,” bemoans your Minister of Labor Cassandra Rubin. “If a watch can’t survive being hit by a hammer or cut by a sickle, then it is useless in the workplace. Focus on the mass production of cheap and indestructible watches, to equip the international proletariat with the tools they need to keep running on the same beat. It will take generous government subsidies to allow the factory to cater to a larger market, but all the workers of The Hatrackia will thank you.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, you need a signed affidavit from a registered psychiatrist to claim that you have crazy low prices.

2021-01-22 13:30

Playing It by the Numbers

Your somewhat gullible nephew has returned from a shopping trip laden with ‘bargains’, including a dozen suits which he says were ‘50%-off’. Upon whipping out the office magnifying glass it appears that the discount stickers have ‘up to’ written in tiny letters just above the numbers, and a quick check of the store catalogue shows most of the items had their prices raised just days before to accommodate the so-called discount. All in all, his shopping trip has cost him twice what he would have paid if he had been charged the manufacturers’ recommended prices.

  1. “Look, we all know that my son is an idiot,” says your sister irritably, smacking the kid around the head, “but anyone could be misled by these tricks and number games. You don’t approve of con-men, do you? These retailers are legal con-men. For the sake of the consumer you must legislate fair and transparent pricing in retail, and prevent misleading advertising.”
  2. “I’ve made a couple of bad shopping decisions...” admits your nephew, straightening the creases on the sleeves of his lime-green velvet onesie. “Alright, maybe more than a couple. But I love bargain hunting! The thrill of finding a 75%-reduced top hat for only 200 chips is something you can’t duplicate! All we need is a universal 30-day cooling off period, during which customers can claim a refund, no questions asked. You know, just in case their tyrannical mothers are nagging them.”
  3. “We’ll offer your nephew a One-Off Full Refund, and I’ll even throw in the buttonholes for free next time!” promises Marlon Dibbler, the appointed representative of a consortium of retailers, audibly capitalising certain words. “And that’s practically cutting my own throat. All we ask is that you let the Free Market operate, for the sake of Freedom. FREEEEDOM. Up to 99% of voters agree that advertising is the core of a successful economy! Our industry is in the top 100% when it comes to ethical business practices and serving the public good. I myself donate up to 50% of my wage to charity!”
  4. “In my day, a pint of milk cost what a pint of milk cost,” grumbles Sigourney, an elderly cleaner interjecting from the back of the room. “You’re the government; you should set a fixed price for everything, and you should do that other thing, seizing the means of production, and wot-not. We don’t need satin pants or hats with feathers on them. We just need what we needs: bread, milk and wot-not, and at a fair price.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military spending recently hit a new high.

2021-01-22 07:30

Budget Time: Accountants Excited

It’s time for the government to allocate spending for the coming year, and as always, special interest groups are keen to have their say.

  1. “The state of the education system is, in many areas, simply frightful,” says Teachers Union leader Nelson Day. “And even where we are doing well, we could do better. I appeal to the authorities for a substantial boost in funding. Remember, the children are our future.”
  2. “We won’t have a future unless we improve police numbers and rebuild the military,” says General Tanya Lacombe. “Oh, it’s all well and good to have your fancy education and your nice cars, until some tinpot dictatorship decides to invade. And don’t pretend like there aren’t any of them in our region. Our number one priority has to be security.”
  3. “Education is nice, but Health and Social Welfare are more important,” says celebrity social worker Brenda Rudd. “This is where the people who really need government help are: the marginalized of our society. If we don’t help them, what kind of a nation are we?”
  4. “Hey, I’ve got a crazy idea,” says noted libertarian and bird-watcher Gene Alvarez. “How about the government stops taking so much tax from people? Give us a tax cut and we’ll buy the things we need ourselves. People need to be weaned off the government teat!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, shaken martini sales have soared in nations surrounding Random Chaos.

2021-01-22 01:30

I Spy a Diplomatic Crisis

Members of your intelligence service have captured a spy gathering information in the civil service. Your interrogators have learned that the man known only as ‘Solo’ is acting on behalf of the government of Outer Bigtopia, which denies all knowledge and involvement.

  1. “Shpies! There are shpies everywhere!” says Agent Rochelle Sisko, checking the fruit bowl for bugs. “You can’t trusht these foreigners! They act all nice and local and then BAM! They’re away over the hill with military shecretsh. We should be keeping track of all of them with ankle braceletsh and wiretapsh to be sure they won’t betray ush!”
  2. “I don’t think we need to go quite that far,” says Secret Agent Adele Biscuitbarrel. “Our security is fine. We did catch him after all. The real question is how much did he tell the Outer Bigtopian government. If we send our own spies to gather intelligence and, in light of recent events, bolster the funding of the intelligence agency, then we can learn for sure the intentions of our enemies.”
  3. “And where will that get us?” asks Cornelius Hackett, one of your older, more bitter spies. “Spying them back won’t help us. If we send someone out there and THEY get caught what are we going to do? We should call those Bigtopians out on their scam and hit them where it hurts! Diplomatic sanctions will do for starters; we can throw those smug envoys out on their rear ends! Anyway, it’s almost certainly not just Outer Bigtopia up to these kind of shenanigans, we ought to keep all embassies under police surveillance. We risk all sorts of trade sanctions, true, but it pays to be careful.”
  4. “Do you realise what kind of havoc we would cause on an international level if we confront them about this?” asks Jill Neumann, an ambassador to Outer Bigtopia over a secure satellite link. “No one need ever know this happened; officially that man doesn’t exist. Most nations have some sort of espionage programme; it’s nothing to raise a fuss about. We should just quietly execute Mr ‘Solo’ and move on.”
  5. “But what if he discovered the plans I’ve been assembling for the moon cannon project?!” asks Brigadier Neil Torres, one of your more insane military officers in a hushed whisper. “It’s nothing official, something I’ve been doing in my spare time... but what if they’ve got wind of it? We could all be in mortal danger! We’ve got to commence construction right now! Our esteemed leader, do I have permission to get Project Lunar Apocalypse underway?”
  6. “Moon... cannon? Mortal danger? You’re off your rocker,” says General Flowers, scowling as he leafs through the budgets folder. “The reason we’re being spied on is because we’ve become so aggressive and militant! It’s only natural that other governments are going to check up on us. If we don’t want to get spied on then there should be nothing worth looking for. All we need to do is massively reduce military expenditure. If nothing else, it at least puts more money into people’s pockets than into the construction of glorified death machines.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids refer to anything below the neck as "the parts that shall not be named".

2021-01-21 19:30

Wash Your Mouth Out!

The League of Concerned Moms has successfully petitioned to ban the dictionary from the Little Gambler Elementary School, to be replaced with a “Clean-tionary” of “pleasant” words. The reason? It contained “lewd and offensive” words referring to private parts of the body. On the day you collect your niece from school, you are confronted by picketers holding signs with boldly-lettered suggestions of where the concerned moms might like to stick their “Clean-tionary” and chanting inventive invective-filled rhymes about censorship.

  1. “We need to protect children from seeing bad words!” demands Sarah Hudson, the white-clad leader of the League of Concerned Moms. “Our delicate flowers must be shielded from all bad influences. Just yesterday, my five-year-old came home, saying his classmate called him a ‘[expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] whose mother was [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]’. And where do you think those words were found? That’s right! The dictionary! Where any innocent child can chance upon them. Remove all harmful words from schools’ dictionaries and let our beautiful pearls thrive.”
  2. “All you big people are cramping my style,” groans third-grader Stefanie Phillips, giggling over the term ‘poop deck’. “Dictionaries are great; I can learn whatever words I want! Words are GREAT. They give kids the power to say what we really think. Yesterday, I called my teacher a ‘big bum-bailiff’. You can’t take that away. You need to keep the fun words in the dictionary, and add more, so we can... um, express ourselves.” She grabs the dictionary protectively and hisses, “Precious words!”
  3. “We need to look at the root of this problem,” soothes psychologist Belinda Weasley, who has an office across the street with ‘Appointments Available’ in the window. “All this is the result of bad influence. These poor, misguided children don’t know better. They see a cuss word, and yell it to the world. It’s simply a combination of poor impulse control and a need to impress their peer group. Well, no longer! Schools should have psychologists on staff, and as soon as these troubled angels go astray, we can help them find their own way back to the right road.”
  4. “I agree that this is serious,” notes Finn de Groot, your Minister of Let’s-All-Just-Calm-Down. “But it’s not just the kids who are dirtying the air with foul language. The adults are also at fault. We should fund an official Random Chaosian dictionary of approved words, free from all expletives, coarse words, vulgar expressions and terms for the unpleasant parts of human anatomy, and punish anyone who uses any bad word – in books, media, and written and spoken speech. Only then can Random Chaos be a truly pleasant place to live. Now, shall we have a cup of tea?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, travellers are often forcibly evicted by torch-bearing mobs.

2021-01-21 13:30

Not All Those Who Wander Are Paying

After a much-publicised incident involving a farmer’s attempts to drive a family of travellers off private property, there has been a call for you to review the laws governing nomadic communities and their mobile homes.

  1. “These turnpike travellers just rolled onto my field in those caravans of theirs and camped out,” says Tobias Eliot, the enraged farmer. “And when I tries to run ‘em over with my tractor, it’s me who gets stuck in the cells overnight! I’ve tried getting the government to evict them but they take too long over it. How would these people have reacted if I’d set up a tent in their back garden? There should be a law so I can get rid of them any way I choose. Vagrants should not be allowed to go wherever they like. It’s just not fair to landowners.”
  2. “All we wanted was a place to stay the night,” says Bharatendu Lowe, a traveller and parent of fourteen children. “Or maybe for a week or so. Or a month. Perhaps through winter; it’s pretty mild around here, I don’t know. But is that such a crime? We weren’t stealing anything, or harming anyone. All we ask is to be allowed to continue our travels without harassment.”
  3. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” says Georgina Silk, one of your advisors who happens to own an extensive greenfield site. “We can’t just let people go living wherever they like just because they’ve been doing it for hundreds of years. It’s very untidy! What I suggest is that we dip into the coffers and buy plots of land, all over the country, and turn them into nice safe areas where these folks can stay for as long as they want before they decide to move on. See? Problem solved.”
  4. “I have the best solution,” says Lars Bennett, in response to a street survey. “These itinerants should be arrested, their caravans sold for scrap, and, and... told not to do it again! I think we’ve all had enough with the government pussy-footing their way around these criminals! The way they just swan in and disrupt communities any way they please! And think of what their presence would do to the value of my property! People ought to live in bricks and mortar, not tins on wheels!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the police double as repo men.

2021-01-21 07:30

Drive My Car

While parking your car for a short press conference to pander to families in Random Chaos City, you are besieged by citizens and cops fighting over parking tickets, of all things. All sides seem unusually passionate about the topic, and you are being increasingly surrounded by the angry crowd.

  1. “These deadbeats think that if they neglect to pay their tickets for a few months, we’ll just forget all about them,” rants Police Chief George W. Haynes while pushing aside some irritated motorists. “Well they’re wrong. The government needs more severe penalties to make an example of these criminals. After all, mis-parked cars obstruct the normal flow of traffic and annoy everybody. Hike up the fines, even take cars away from people that refuse to pay for their crimes. Then punks will know to respect my authori-tay!”
  2. “You know the real reason we have so many unpaid tickets? They are already too damn expensive!” fumes Mamiko Oz, one of the city’s poorest citizens. “How can someone who barely makes enough to eat possibly pay for a parking ticket? One ticket sets me back half a month and a rich guy only a minute. Tickets have to be proportional to people’s income. Then the punishment would actually fit the crime.”
  3. “How about we, the citizens of Random Chaos, finally get a break for once?” complains Sheldon Vega while parking in a public fountain and splashing everyone nearby, yourself included. “It’s not fair to make my kids wait five minutes just to find an ‘acceptable’ place to park. Let’s just get rid of all of these silly tickets once and for all. After all, who’s to say where is or isn’t a logical place to park?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes and Largest Retail Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, unpopular cops are fired at a moment's notice by the citizens they police.

2021-01-21 01:30

Bigtopian Lives Matter

An unarmed 18-year-old Bigtopian boy, Woody North, was recently shot by Officer Matthias Kenny as he was walking home, despite video footage showing him with his hands up. The police shooting has aggravated racial tensions in Random Chaos, and now civil rights protests have quickly spread from the suburbs, potentially engulfing the entire nation. You have been brought in to maintain calm and hopefully resolve the crisis.

  1. “Hands up; don’t shoot!” yells leading activist Bruce Turnbull through a deafening megaphone. “We demand Officer Kenny’s conviction and an end to cops killing unarmed Bigtopians! I’m sick and tired of racist police who assume all Bigtopians look and act the same. Cops should have to live in the neighborhoods they patrol, and the local communities need direct control over their precincts. That way we can fire any officer itching to do in Bigtopians.”
  2. “All this talk about race is divisive,” says Officer Kenny’s attorney. “Try to put yourself in a policeman’s shoes for a minute. Cops need to make quick decisions in hostile situations, and that means they have to use the professional instincts they learn while on patrol. The Bigtopian boy fit the description of someone for whom there was an arrest warrant, and he was wielding a baguette - which on a dark night can easily be mistaken for a shotgun - in a threatening manner. This tragic mistake was an isolated incident, and Officer Kenny shouldn’t be held responsible for a single error on the line of duty.”
  3. “The boy in question was a serial jaywalker, proving he was a hardened criminal,” Chief of Police Hermione Claus states candidly. “So we can assume that the most notorious jaywalker in all of Random Chaos was up to no good. And those annoying protesters are just delaying traffic. I’ll get the fire department to disperse them pronto. TURN ON THE FIRE HOSES!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prisoners can't do number twos without their "toilet buddy" present.

2021-01-20 19:30

Alone in the Dark

Convicted criminal and former journalist Alina Harishchandra was recently released from Random Chaos City Central Penitentiary. She is now revealing to the media the horrors that she suffered behind bars, specifically the “torture and terror” of solitary confinement.

  1. “Solitary confinement is demoralizing, dehumanizing, and wrong,” explains Harishchandra, letting wind and rain soak your desk paperwork as she throws your office window wide open. “Research has proven that it causes immense levels of lasting psychological trauma! It’s also much more expensive for the prison system, and is little more than state-sanctioned torture. The inhumanity of prisoners left alone in the dark must end! Ban it now!”
  2. “We only put the troublemaker in the sin bin because she kept causing problems,” remarks Warden Dick O'Bannon, shoving the former convict into your broom cupboard and wedging the door shut with a chair. “While solitary is used punitively to maintain prison discipline, it can also be deployed to protect the safety of the confined inmate or of other prisoners. Besides, all these ding-dongs gave up their rights the moment they turned to crime.”
  3. “All these prisoners are just sitting around soaking up government money; why not make them give back to society?” asks Kathryn Ungar, local mad scientist. “We’ll take a kidney, or maybe a cornea or two, and send them on their way. It’ll be fantastic! They don’t have to sit around all day wasting our money, and they get to go on doing whatever it is that they do. Think of all the lives we can save!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, marijuana is legal in the privacy of your own home.

2021-01-20 13:30

Random Chaos Awash With Red-Rimmed Eyes

National marijuana consumption has hit an all-time high, with alarming results, a new poll has found.

  1. “My factory’s productivity is down ten percent since marijuana was decriminalized,” complains employer Iris Quinn. “And the number of thefts from the candy machine is off the scale. This so-called ‘pot’ needs to be banned in all public places. Let the junkies do what they want at home, but not in my workplace.”
  2. “Whoa, dude, no need to get, like, you know,” says Free Your Mind campaigner Severus Wolowitz, from his parents’ basement. “This is, like, a personal choice issue, you know. It’s like... whoa, just back off what I want to do with my own body. Don’t let the fascists win, man. There are some hot new eckies coming in soon, they should be legal too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, giant no-kill traps baited with Bapst Red Ribbon and vintage bicycles have been popping up in back alleys nationwide.

2021-01-20 07:30

Dumpster Divers Dividing Denizens

Freegans - people who eat food, wear clothes, and use other goods retrieved from trash bins - have created a big stink across Random Chaos. They’ve especially gotten up the noses of retail business owners, who say the practice pongs. The disputants have dumped themselves in your office, insisting you dispose of the issue.

  1. “Freeganism promotes environmental responsibility by reducing consumption,” says Gaia Gambler Rainbow, while rifling through your waste basket and pocketing a piece of used gum. “Our consumerist economy wastes an obscene amount of natural resources by throwing away perfectly good and usable items! In fact, most food that reaches its ‘sell by’ date is still perfectly safe to eat. Greedy corporate interests are slapping the faces of the poor, the wretched and the needy when you consider how much they waste. The government needs to support freegans, and help us trash waste!”
  2. Ethel Haggard, President of the Random Chaos City Chamber of Commerce, passes around free embossed air fresheners before interjecting. “That smelly anarchist fails to mention the huge mess created by everyone digging around in our dumpsters, which scares away our customers! Eating expired food out of the trash is dangerously unhealthy, not to mention totally gross. Look, the bottom line is we’re losing business because of these vultures. Can you get the police to arrest them? If they want food and clothing, they should have to work hard to buy them like any other Random Chaosian.”
  3. “YO! DOWN HERE!” bellows a voice through your office window. You look down at the street to see Justin Nimoy, a municipal garbage collector. “Look, it ain’t safe to have people diggin’ through dumpsters. But hey, I get it. It ain’t right to have good food thrown away when so many are hungry. YO SAL!” The worker whacks the side of the truck a couple of times, and the compactor inside begins to roar. “Why don’t you boost welfare spendin’, and require shops to donate past-‘sell-by’... wha?... um, but safe goods to food banks? Make ‘em an offer they can’t scrap.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, smiling in public is seen as criminally suspicious behaviour.

2021-01-20 01:30

Time to Get Serious

It’s a slow news day, and so a recent study by the Scientific Centre of Analytical Metadata is getting considerable attention. After a decade of expensive travel to exotic climes, researchers have concluded that nations where people laugh more have a lower GDP. Your advisers have gathered to find out what you want to do.

  1. “That’s just a funny coincidence!” yells joke shop owner Barbara Long as she waves a rubber-chicken at you, her cheeks puffed out in anger. “Laughter is a tonic! Laughter is the best medicine! If you take away laughter, you destroy the beating heart of Random Chaos! Dismiss this crackpot theory and keep the joy that makes Random Chaos so great... by subsidising the humour-retail industry!”
  2. “At last! The link is proven!” notes clothes factory owner Orson Shakespeare as he spies on his staff through CCTV. “I last smiled seventy-two years ago and it is an accident I have striven not to repeat! Every day, the girls who should be working my machines are just laughing. I keep telling them to keep their heads down, but they keep on giggling and smiling and... oh, they’re so disobedient! Someone needs to punish them. Give employers the right to dock wages and force extra hours for excessive joviality. That’ll show those minxes!”
  3. “Why so glum when there’s shopping to be done?” sings devoted consumer Melissa Barry, sporting a lovely green velvet jacket. “Just cut sales taxes on luxury goods so everybody can shop their way out of misery! Your government is wasting money funding thinktanks and research groups of dubious value. You should cut the funding of SCAM and other analysts, and give me back my own chips. The resulting spending spree will put a smile on my face AND boost the economy!”
  4. “This crass commercialism saddens my heart,” observes dour faith leader Wesley Graves, shaking his head sadly. “What about the soul? Laughter is evil spirits, shaking our bodies. Each guffaw is the spirit of the divine, leaking out of the body. It is Written! For the sake of the collective salvation of Random Chaos, laughter must be banned!”
  5. “How can you listen to these people?” asks depressed laughter therapist Lara Mulcair, dabbing away a tear. “Random Chaos needs joy, now more than ever. We need to bring the art of humour and inner happiness into everybody’s lives through intensive programmes in every school and workplace in the country. Happiness doesn’t just happen: it needs to be taught!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government's official position on invasive species is 'who cares?'.

2021-01-19 19:30

Alien Invaders

A spectre is haunting Random Chaos — the spectre of the Woodeating Spikeball. With scenic parks ravaged by this invasive species, citizens are clamoring at your door to advise you.

  1. “The ecosystem is in great peril,” claims Tim Head, an importer of exotic pets. “These Woodeating Spikeballs have no natural predators here. But there is a solution: back in their native Maxtopia, these pests are kept in check by the sabre-toothed gambler. We have to introduce these animals into our forests before it’s too late. And you know, since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll cut you a deal on the gamblers.”
  2. “You can’t stop one invasive species by introducing another,” scoffs avid hunter Zelda Palpatine while skinning several rabbits on your desk. “Just give out hunting permits for these Spikeballs, and we’ll have the population under control in no time. You know what, might as well extend hunting and fishing seasons for other animals too. I’ve been itching to bag myself a Giant Lilliputian Rabbit.”
  3. “We shouldn’t be left at the mercy of our citizens,” counsels gendarme Ben Vega while barely suppressing his hatred for animals. “If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. Let’s send out our boys in blue to go hunt down these vermin.” Frothing rabidly, he finishes, “That way we can be sure every last one of those mangy, stinking, filth-ridden pests is dead!”
  4. “So what if these Spikeballs are eating all the trees?” says thoroughly apathetic citizen Ingmar Coulson. “Nature got along fine for millions of years before we came into the picture. Just let survival of the fittest run its course. Sure, we might lose a few species or ecosystems along the way, but at least we’ll save some money. Forests are really boring, anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, open-casket funerals are avoided at all cost.

2021-01-19 13:30

We’re Dying for Your Business

A recent exposé of the death care industry revealed that funeral costs are leaving some families dead broke. The reason for the price increases is thought to be because while population growth continues to rise, funeral parlour growth has stopped cold, resulting in shocking cases of price gouging. Demand for last rites has become so high that families sometimes have to pawn all of the deceased’s possessions just to afford a simple burial.

  1. “Dying is not something we have a choice in,” weeps a sombre woman dressed all in black. “The tragic death of a loved one followed by an astronomical bill landing on our doorsteps can put families’ finances in a death spiral. I urge you, Leader, to scrap death charges altogether and provide state-funded funerals for everyone. That way families won’t have to mourn their bank accounts as well as their loved ones.”
  2. “Yes, and do you know why there’s a shortage of funeral services, hmmm?” quietly seethes funeral director Igor Fronkensteen, while dragging a lumpy burlap sack behind him. “Burial plot land costs...they are rising, yes? The price of insuring a hearse these days is, how do you say, absolutely ludicrous, yes? And the restrictive laws on ‘adequate refrigeration’ and ‘treating the dead with dignity’ all are running our margins and my salary down! You want more funeral services at a cheaper price, you should ease up on the bureaucracy, yes?”
  3. “Funeral services? What a waste of money,” scoffs obscure thinker Jean-Luc Scully, who has yet to sell any copies of his book Rich Dead, Poor Dead. “What’s the point in some drawn-out shebang for someone who’s not even going to be around to see it? Do away with funerals altogether. That way we can cremate everyone and harvest their bodies for phosphorus!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, genetic researchers have taken to conducting illegal experiments in secret lairs.

2021-01-19 07:30

The Bee-Ginning of a Catastrophe?

When top scientists started genetically engineering bees in order to make them live longer and resist disease, things went horribly wrong. The result - subsequently dubbed the Random Chaosian Killer Jacket - wiped out their creators within an hour and promptly escaped the lab. Terrified citizens are urging you to stop genetic engineering on bees, citing the unpredictability and potential dangers of this technology.

  1. “What is this madness?” shouts Doctor Bees, still wearing his trademark bee costume, who has in his suitcase the only bees in Random Chaos that aren’t genetically modified. “We’ve created a potential threat to our population. Thanks to genetic tampering, you made killer-bees with GM stingers! Who knows what they’ll do now? The only solution is to ban genetic engineering and shut down the lab immediately. It’s immoral, insane, and incompetent! Cull these modified abominations and encourage the breeding of all-natural, all-organic normal bees... like mine!”
  2. “Don’t you forget why we need this,” reminds Sophie Claus, the new CEO of Bees and Genes, aiming an insecticide spray at a small arthropod hovering above your shoulder. “It’s a noble experiment to keep bees from dying off. Genetically engineered bees have a much greater chance of survival, and that’s better for the environment. With some government support, we can do more for our bees and prof... well, you know.”
  3. “We certainly don’t have to be black-and-yellow about this,” asserts Bajrakitiyabha Johnson, a government scientist who is picking apart your flower display, looking for nectar. “While it’s true that genetic engineering can create some unintended pests, it has potential to help our buzzing friends survive many threats like CCD and parasitic mites. How about we set strict standards for these laboratories? With government oversight, we can watch out for any killer bugs while keeping this technology safe and regulated. True, the scientists may end up trapped in an endless cycle of regulations and inspections, but that’s beside the point.”
  4. “The problem was that we trusted this experimentation to the boffs in the labs,” growls your gruff military attaché Fahd Quinn while examining a modified bee under a microscope. “Now I’m not much of a scientist, but surely it wouldn’t be too hard for us to round up these modified bees and set them loose on one of our enemies? Imagine if we unleashed some of these bad boys on Maxtopia or Marche Noire. Their ecosystem will be so screwed up they’ll be begging to sign that peace treaty! Now excuse me while I practice my evil laugh.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign governments are looking into weaponizing the infamous Random Chaosian bee.

2021-01-19 01:30

You’ve Got a Friend in Bee

Honeybee populations have been decreasing at an alarming rate, according to a recent study published in Not That Popular Science magazine. Experts have swarmed your office demanding you take action or face catastrophic consequences.

  1. “This is a travesty!” exclaims concerned environmental scientist, Mario Quayle. “Our food supplies will be at risk if the bee population declines any further. Colony Collapse Disorder is a serious thing and we don’t really know what’s killing them. It could be insecticides, parasitic mites, habitat loss, or maybe it’s just all that hot air coming from Random Chaos City. We must stop this before it’s too late. Let’s start with clamping down on industries that manufacture insecticides and enforcing better environmental protection. We must stop at nothing to ensure our survival.”
  2. A local beekeeper, Shelia Wolfe, carefully steps into your office carrying a beehive. “What we need to do is to establish large scale bee farms across Random Chaos, and raise more bees so their populations can grow.” The absentminded beekeeper appears oblivious as several bees escape the hive. “Sustainable practices and good bee-raising will preserve the population. You give me and my fellow beekeepers some funding, and we can use that to grow the biggest colony you’ll ever see!” Several of your aides exit screaming, pursued by bees.
  3. “Once again, science has the answer,” says Aria Duras, CEO of Bees and Genes. “If we use genetics to modify the bees, they can be made resistant to disease and live longer. This, my friends, is the breakthrough we need to stabilize the honeybee populations. It’ll require a boatload of funding and we might accidentally create killer bees like the dreaded Maxtopian hornet, but we need to save nature’s black and yellow friends while we have the chance.”
  4. “Whatever happened to leaving nature alone?” queries the eccentric ‘Doctor Bees’, carrying suitcases buzzing with bees and seen wearing a full bee costume. “More bee colonies? Pesticides? Genes? Buzz off! Have you ever stopped to think that we are to blame for this mess? Why don’t we free the bees and let nature take its course? Sure, the beekeeping industry would suffer, but if we do nothing the alternative is total environmental disaster! Buzz buzz buzz!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, newspapers and TV broadcasters are given a list of 'acceptable words'.

2021-01-18 19:30

Crosswords Beget Angry Letters

A major national newspaper is taking heat after one of its crossword puzzles contained the answer ‘BIGWIGS’, which is considered a racial slur by Bigtopians. This is not the first time the paper has come under fire for its puzzling word choices, and concerned citizens are squaring off outside your door in hopes of filling in the blanks for you.

  1. “Get a clue, Leader!” shouts Khethelo Lowe, president of the Random Chaosian Civil Liberties Alliance, as he snaps one of your pencils in half. “It is well known throughout The Hatrackia that the B-word is a degrading term referring to members of our nation’s Bigtopian community. There is only one solution: demand that the paper fire those who permitted this puzzle to go to print. That should send a warning to everyone that such disrespect and callousness will never be tolerated!”
  2. “What’s a five-letter word that means ‘iciness’?” inquires Bill Pantz, crossword editor for the newspaper in question, glancing up from a recent puzzle submission he is proofreading. “Oh, that’s right, ‘CHILL!’ Look, the word ‘bigwigs’ simply refers to elitist fat cats, as was clued in the puzzle. On rare occasions, perfectly legitimate words that have sometimes been used as slurs like ‘porp’, ‘beepus’, or ‘jonky’, are fair use in a puzzle. Apologies to anyone who was offended, but that’s where the matter ends. That’s as black-and-white as it gets.”
  3. “Solving this puzzle requires us to think outside the box,” interjects Prudence Shore, chairperson of the Committee on Appropriate Language in Media. “This problem indicates a lack of varied perspectives within the corporate and media worlds. We should look to promote greater diversity in the workplace, which means instituting government-mandated sensitivity training, financial incentives for companies who hire from certain target groups, and increased funding for programs that seek the advancement of underrepresented communities. It will be expensive, but can we really put a price on inclusivity?”
  4. “This wouldn’t even be a problem if we nationalized the media!” exclaims Manny Festaux, your Minister of Orwellian Orthodoxy. “Imagine how much easier it would be to pick and choose the content that was published in the dailies. Not only that, but you won’t have to worry anymore about negative publicity directed at you! Now, shall we replace these pesky crosswords with word searches or sudokus?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's orphanages and maternity wards have been nicknamed 'the Killbot Factories'.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2021-01-18 13:30

Won’t Somebody Think of the Children?

On your way to work this morning, you noticed an unusually high number of orphans pickpocketing and ‘asking for more’ from passing strangers. Realizing that this may put a stain on Random Chaos’s reputation, you have asked for opinions on how to deal with this orphan overcrowding problem.

  1. “Gawd bless youse, Leader, but can’t ya spare a copper or two for us poor little cherubs?” meekly asks an orphan known as Minuscule Max, who has managed to pick your pocket without you noticing. “The old orphanage is in a right sorry state, an’ no mistake. Just yesterday we ‘ad ta burn our caps and clogs to have somethin’ to warm ourselves by. All we askin’ is that you ‘ave a think about us: maybe them fightin’ soldiers could get less, and we could get more?”
  2. “I agree that these children should not be left to fend for themselves, but let’s not be too hasty about lowering military funding,” reminds your semi-compassionate Minister of Defense who prefers to ‘kill enemies kindly’. “In fact, why do we even need these orphanages? These children are sponging off the government’s teat and all we get in return is a bloated welfare budget! All orphaned children should be sent to military training academies, and then they can repay us for our generosity by fighting for our glorious Free Land!”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” gasps factory manager Moff Scrooge, whose remarkably clean hands have never known a day of honest labour. “How can we be sinking so low as to even consider wasting such a valuable resource on the military? I agree that we should get these kids off the government teat, but we should lower the working age so they can work and earn money to fend for themselves! Send these orphans to work in my factories and I’ll pay them a very ‘generous’ wage.”
  4. “You know, I think our friends in Dàguó have the right idea with their one child policy,” suggests population control expert Sue-Ann Cheswick while going over the latest birth statistics. “Random Chaos has a population of 1.512 billion and growing. We can barely keep up as it is without adding orphans into the mix. I propose adopting Dàguó’s one child policy here while offering generous tax incentives for the good people of Random Chaos to adopt our remaining orphans. It may be a tad restrictive, but the people will thank me when they aren’t suffocating on the subway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, radiation is a hot topic.

2021-01-18 07:30

The Wind Become Death

Recent studies of becquerel-burdened berries have found that radioactive fallout from nuclear weapons testing in Althaniq has been carried into Random Chaos by transoceanic jet streams.

  1. “Althaniq might be keen to join the big boys at the nuclear-capable club, but this sort of sloppiness makes it clear they’re not ready,” comments your Minister of International Patronisation. “Random Chaos is like an elder sibling to Althaniq — tell them that they don’t need a nuclear weapons program, because they’re already under our protection. In fact, tell them they have to cease all testing now and in perpetuity, if they want to stay on our good side, and pay reparations for the harm they’ve done. They gotta remember their place.”
  2. “No, can you not see? This is the danger of raw, unadulterated nuclear power!” cries nuclear disarmament activist Mamiko Quagmire as she manically waves around a Geiger counter that clicks worryingly as it sweeps past your groin area. “These weapons imperil our very means of life — the ramifications of radiation spare no one. Althaniq must cease their nuclear ambitions, and we should lead by example. Disarm now!”
  3. “How boring, like I haven’t heard that two hundred and thirty-five times already,” yawns nuclear scientist Sheldon Wolfe. “Look, Althaniq is only doing nuclear tests because they’re decades behind advanced nations like ours. We did all our testing decades ago, and there’s really no need for them to repeat all that messy business. Just share our technical knowledge with them, and we’ll be even closer allies than before.”
  4. “We should use these jet streams to our advantage,” whispers your Minister of Stealth Bombing as he materialises out of nowhere. “Our scientists have compiled a detailed map of jet stream systems — correctly employ these, and we can secretly detonate dirty bombs in the middle of nowhere, while still delivering cancer and illness into the heart of enemy nations.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all artwork is carefully screened for offensive material.

2021-01-18 01:30

Is It Art or Is It Porn?

Vocal members of the moral minority have been complaining and petitioning the government about the new art gallery displaying several provocative nude portraits by several famous artists. They claim these pieces of work promote prostitution and indecent sexual acts.

  1. “Stop my children from looking at smut! These artists are only perverts pretending to be artists! Think of the children!” says Roxanne Sullivan, proud member of Parents Promoting Purity. “These artists are only going to rouse our innocent children to commit grotesque acts of immorality! Get rid of their art, and arrest the artists!”
  2. “Well, I see that point, but we certainly don’t need to ban inoffensive art, still lifes of inanimate objects, and such,” says your sister, Agnes Calder. “Perhaps we should set some guidelines for what is acceptable as art and what isn’t. Artistic renditions of people getting it on are one thing. A bunch of fruit in a decorative bowl is another entirely.”
  3. “That is censorship!” says noted art history teacher Desmond Hicks. “You can’t ban art! It’s freedom of expression; it’s part of our culture. If anything, the government should be supporting these artists and their work, not listening to these prudish whackjobs who are scared of a little bare skin!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's police officers are famously miserable-looking.

2021-01-17 19:30

Essentially on Strike

Disappointed with their current wages and working conditions, disgruntled law enforcement officers have voted for strike action, leaving no one to maintain order. A majority of police officers are now refusing to work until their demands are met, in turn stirring public debate over the ethics of striking by so-called essential workers.

  1. “My daily commute is being blocked by the same people who are supposed to be protecting us,” complains Commodities Analyst Zeke Haskell. “Criminals are running wild! These officers are guilty of gross dereliction of duty, and should be ashamed of themselves. In fact, they should either get back to work, or be fired immediately. Essential workers have no business risking our lives for their own petty financial gain.”
  2. “You’d better believe we’re upset,” snaps Officer Commodus Ono, making no effort to pursue as a pickpocket runs off with your wallet. “We dedicate our lives to keeping the public safe, and must always be vigilant, yet we’re paid ridiculously low wages and get about as much respect as the criminals we bring to justice. We have every right to be striking, just like workers in every other industry. Yes, of course, the country is suffering without our services. That’s the point. That’s why you should grant our requests.”
  3. “Everyone has a right to strike, but everyone also has a right to essential services,” asserts idealistic student and socialist Jenna Vangelis. “You just have to make sure that there’s sufficient funding and training for redundancy to exist within the system, so that essential services can cover for each other at times of industrial action. If ambulance crews are on strike, use fire patrol vehicles and police convoys. If the firefighters are on strike, then deploy the army. If the army goes on strike... well, yeah, that’s a toughie. But you get the idea.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, drills and shovels have been banned as the government cracks down on any means of fracking.

2021-01-17 13:30

A Big Fracking Problem

Natural gas extraction has been thrust into the political spotlight after the energy industry proposed utilizing hydraulic fracturing to boost the production of shale gas. After weeks of protests, a crowd of lobbyists and environmental protesters have barged into your office and demand that you finally make a decision.

  1. “Any opposition to hydraulic fracturing has been born out of ignorance,” claims Shale The Love lobbyist Milhouse Glenn after tossing some impressive looking pie charts on your desk. “If we further hydraulic fracturing, we can finally be independent of foreign natural gas. Do you really want to continue paying dictatorships like Maxtopia for their expensive oil? Just think of the advantage producing our own natural gas will give us. Look at the charts that clearly show how many jobs this will create in rural areas. We should be encouraging fracking operations and cracking down on these environmental terrorists who would be happy to send us back to the Stone Age.”
  2. “I don’t think you understand the magnitude of these environmental issues,” says Stefanie Modi, the organizer of the anti-fracking protest movement No Fracking Way. “Fracking can pollute the air and contaminate groundwater with toxic chemicals, which will end up in millions of people’s drinking water. Weren’t you guys paying attention when fracking operations caused all those earthquakes in Blackacre? Never mind that they’re on a fault line! We must put an end to fracking and start investing into green energy sources like wind, solar, and tidal power. We’ll never run out of those clean energy sources, but we will run out of clean air to breathe.”
  3. “There’s always room for compromise,” chimes in Barbie Sulu, one of your top aides famous for diffusing tension in your office. “We obviously can’t ignore the benefits of fracking, but we can’t turn a blind eye to the impact it would have on the environment either. Why not allow fracking, but only in areas of Random Chaos where there are no major populated areas? I hear that the land in the Northern Gambler Mountain Range is just ripe for hydraulic fracturing. There is a gambler preservation area nearby, but it’s not like they’re going to be protesting.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there are no minimum wage laws.

2021-01-17 07:30

Auto Industry Struggles Against Foreign Imports

Cheap, foreign-made cars are becoming increasingly popular, causing concern in Random Chaos’s automobile manufacturing industry.

  1. “Unless this government does something, Random Chaos won’t have an auto industry for much longer,” says auto industry union boss Colin James, in a rare public appearance alongside management. “These foreign companies employ people for a few chips a day. The only way to level the playing field is to raise tariffs. The government would make more money, too, so it’s win-win.”
  2. “For once, I agree with my grubby colleague here,” says General Chassis CEO Jazz Pound. “Although I have to say, tariffs aren’t the only answer. A more effective solution would be to abolish minimum wage laws. Now that would level the playing field. And we’d be able to employ more—argh, let go of my throat!”
  3. “I think we need to face facts,” says noted economist and chat-show regular Mohammed Wickremesinghe. “We live in a global economy now, and automobile manufacturing just isn’t Random Chaos’s strong suit. There’s no point taking money from taxpayers in order to line the pockets of a few greedy workers and corrupt managers in a doomed industry. Let the market take its—argh, let go of my throat!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, women who walk into the ladies' changing room are accused of being Peeping Toms.

2021-01-17 01:30

Flying Into a Rage

Two passengers were both accused of going on drunken rampages on two different flights. When they each faced the same judge on the same day, one was sentenced to two years in prison while the other was issued a small fine and a stern warning. The only apparent difference between the two is that the first was a man, and the second was a woman.

  1. “This is sky-high sexism,” complains Thomas Neumann, brother to the convicted man. “Both people here pleaded guilty to and committed the same crime, but were treated totally differently! The system is discriminatory against men, and must be changed! Sentences should be based on the crime, not the perpetrator’s gender!”
  2. “This man is being ludicrous,” counters Judge Katniss Torres. “When sentencing, we look at a wide range of factors. These include assessment of statistical likelihood of repeat offence, and the aggression of the individual. The law is not black and white, and I judged that this 120-kilo skinhead male was more likely to reoffend than the mild-mannered and charming young lady in the sensible suit. Judicial discretion is essential in sentencing, and must be respected.”
  3. “Why dost thou think it so ill if a maiden receiveth a more lenient sentence than a knave?” questions armourclad medieval re-enactor Basil Cho, as he hands out pamphlets about the benefits of chivalry. “Menfolk are more capable of tolerating prison than the weaker flowers of femininity, and our poor ladyfolk art needed back at the hearth to tend to the children, and to their womanly duties! Spare the weaker sex the indignity of gaol, I beseech thee!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, animal liberationists receive government funding to break into animal research labs.

2021-01-16 19:30

Scientists Declare That Gamblers Are Persons

Recent research into gambler intelligence reveals that they have several characteristics associated with human intelligence. There is apparently evidence of advanced object permanence, capacity for empathy, self-awareness, problem solving, and even a language system. Voices in Random Chaos are now demanding that the government should grant them legal personhood.

  1. “These animals are both sentient and intelligent,” says Lance Larson of the Council for the Study of Animal Intelligence, while desperately trying to play Scrabble with a gambler. “In all important ways they meet our standards for personhood. The government must therefore declare them legal persons with some basic civil rights. That means no more cages, needles or circus shows; they must have full bodily liberty.” He looks down at the board: “Hey, wait a minute, ‘DEAT’ isn’t a word!”
  2. “You’re not seriously going to listen to this quack, are you?” shouts Georgina Sajak, Great Big Bahpoo of the Cult of Cyan, a religious group so esoteric they make Violetism seem straightforward. “So what if gamblers are intelligent? Were they given dominion over the earth and all its inhabitants? No, those things were given to us, humanity. These animals are here to cater to our basic needs, like carrying heavy loads, or teaching them how to juggle and selling them to the circus. Gambler personhood? What blasphemy. You’d be better off stripping them of any ‘animal’ rights they have today.”
  3. “Don’t listen to that human supremacist,” quips Mallory Johnson of the Animal Liberation Front, while donning a ski-mask and grabbing her bolt cutters. “However, merely granting gamblers personhood is not going far enough. We must give them full citizenship! You should allow elections as well, and let them vote and represent themselves in our government, free from human interest and according to their own concerns. Sure, it’ll be a tad complicated, and expensive. Voter registration might prove troublesome, and we need to figure out exactly how they would vote. But that’s the price we must pay to defeat speciesism once and for all! What’s that? Oh, yeah I guess humans should be allowed to vote too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the end of communism came with retail rather than revolution.

2021-01-16 13:30

Meat the Neighbours

State-level agricultural organisation and socialist worker toil has paid off: Random Chaos is producing high-quality cuts of meat that are internationally recognised as being exceptionally delicious. So much so, that those foreign capitalists are sniffing around to see if they can have a cut of the action.

  1. “Thing is, ‘comrade’, what you’ve got here is a prime product which is in high demand across the world,” schmoozes Avery Vega, the CEO of Cold Capitalist Logistics. “We’re not asking you to abandon a governmental system that is clearly delivering great results; we’re just hoping that y’all let us help share your product with the global market. The cash coming back to your state coffers will help fund your commie agenda. That’s a good thing, right?”
  2. “Wait, we do the work, and you pocket the profits?” asks local farmer Engelbert Cotchin somewhat incredulously, as he slides on an elbow-length rubber glove in a worryingly menacing fashion. “Way I see it, the people doing the work should be rewarded in proportion to the wealth they generate. Basically, let the proceeds of the sale filter back to a company of folk in charge of the operation, who can then use that money to employ some workers, and those workers can use their new personal wealth to buy and trade freely, while the various processes that are incorporated in production can compete against each other to provide the best-selling product for the lowest prices. I’m sure I’ve heard of a system like that before...”
  3. “The purpose of state agriculture is not to feed capitalist nations!” yells horrified Marxist Kristy Khan, making a note to report the previous speaker to the National Loyalty Bureau. “The produce of Random Chaos should meet the needs of the proletariat. If we produce too much for Random Chaos, then we should send it freely to other socialist countries to aid the global revolution! This is what communism is about: the pursuit of an efficient and fair society worldwide, not the generation of filthy lucre!”
  4. “Actually, looking at the numbers, I’m wondering about our overall agricultural strategy,” murmurs statistician and economic planner Rex Rikkard, skinny fingers tapping at a calculator. “The ratio of land and labour use to calorie output is very poor for meats of all sorts, and we would be far better off with arable farming alone, and a meat-free national diet. Freeing up workers from food production would let us reassign them to other more modern industries, such as electronics and tech production. This is a chance to show the world the strength and efficiency of a properly run planned economy.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tours to see the 'wild men of the mountains' are popular with tourists from the big cities.

2021-01-16 07:30

Relocating the Living Room

As your population has now reached 1.5 billion, there has been serious discussion about whether or not the current borders of Random Chaos are sufficient. Agricultural and industrial imports have been increasing to unsustainable levels, as former farmland and commercial areas are repurposed for urgent housing needs. Your top advisers have now come to you to address the subject of land appropriation.

  1. “Our current borders are not sufficient; the Random Chaosian people need their lebensraum!” fumes General Clean, as she gets right in your face, forcing you to rock back in your chair. “Let’s mobilise our armed forces and start claiming new domains. Then, we can repopulate these lands with our own good people. Let’s start with Ausonia; their army couldn’t outflank a sleeping horse. No doubt, they will thank us for it in the end!”
  2. “I think a full-on invasion might turn out costly and embarrassing for us,” muses your Trade Minister, Themba Jones, as he waves a banana at you menacingly. “The inhabitants of many countries were only armed with sharpened fruit 200 years ago, but now they all have a modern military and equipment to rival our own. Countries can get conquered via diplomacy, you know? Open diplomatic offices and trade branches in some of the ‘lesser developed’ nations, then create obscurely phrased treaties that gradually wear away their sovereign rights — that way we can still gain control of these places without the violence. But I agree, we should start with Ausonia.”
  3. “Those ideas will irk the international community,” claims Barry Rabin, your Finance Minister, who has arrived late for the meeting carrying several hefty shopping bags. “Why not just buy ourselves more land? See what lands smaller and poorer nations are willing to sell to us, then buy them for our colonists. It will cost a bit to begin with, but the outlay involved will probably, I mean, eventually be offset by the productivity of the new lands. I quite fancy this hilly province of Ausonia, I could build my own farm there… let’s make them an offer!”
  4. “What has Ausonia ever done to us?” enquires Finlay Wonka, your Interior Minister, as she hangs a ‘Home, Sweet Home’ banner on your wall. “There are still some places in Random Chaos that have a bit of room, you know? We could bore out the mountains, dig under the desert, even drain the swamps. Just give our citizens a financial incentive to move into these uninhabitable… sorry… uninhabited regions, and there’s the extra living space we require! I’m not sure exactly what kinds of industry or agriculture could thrive in such conditions, and these people are going to need a decent healthcare plan, but life always finds a way, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, exceptionally talented workers are praised more than Revolutionary heroes.

2021-01-16 01:30

A Working Class Hero Is Something to Be

The quarterly production reports show that a worker from Northern Random Chaos, Alenyo Stackemup, has mined more unobtainium ore than all the other workers in his district combined, leading to questions about how the state should recognize such spectacular industriousness.

  1. “Comrade Stackemup is truly setting a fine example to the workers of Random Chaos!” enthuses the invariably optimistic Minister of Industry, Bajrakitiyabha Lazenby, “Clearly we should be rewarding such commitment to the cause. If we increase his ration allowance and give him a nicer state apartment to live in, the other workers will be motivated to match his output. Of course we’ll need a big promotion campaign to get everyone pumped up, but it’ll pay off with a new age of economic productivity!”
  2. “You’re forgetting our revolutionary ideals,” interjects the more idealistic Minister of Resources, Fahd Sandler. “From each according to his ability - to each according to his NEED. Comrade Stackemup doesn’t need any more rations than any other miner, and building socialism is its own reward. Giving special treatment to workers who produce more will only lead us down the slippery slope back to capitalist exploitation.”
  3. “I actually think we have a bigger problem than that,” says the perpetually suspicious Minister of Internal Affairs, Lara Archer. “Have you really looked at the numbers his district has claimed? According to their report, Stackemup’s production level was OVER 9000! That’s just not possible: no one could humanly shift that much unobtainium. They’re obviously falsifying the data. We need to eliminate fraud with a thorough audit of the whole sector, and in the meantime, don’t go making an example of Stackemup and his supposed achievements: we’ll all end up embarrassing ourselves.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rocket boots and thermal detonators have become standard-issue military gear.

2021-01-15 19:30

The Coming of the Commissars

Controversy arose recently when an entire platoon deserted because they “just didn’t see the point of it all”. As a consequence, debate has erupted over ways to rebuild Revolutionary spirit in the army.

  1. “The answer is simple, Leader,” confidently states Ayla Gaudí, a Party ideologue. “Our servicemen and women need to know what they’re fighting for: the Historical mission of Random Chaos. It’s absolutely imperative that we appoint political commissars to serve alongside regular officers and educate our brave soldiers about Worldwide Revolution. Ideological training is as important as the ability to shoot straight, after all.”
  2. “No, no, no! That all sounds frightfully dull!” interrupts your wild-eyed and unkempt head of sciences, Evan Mendez. “You know what’ll get young people lining up at every recruitment post? Flashy new gear! Who doesn’t want to charge into battle as a combat engineer, dodging and weaving between Mammoth tanks, airships raining down support? Oh, and Tesla coils, gotta have Tesla coils. I admit the R&D will be INSANELY expensive, and I can’t guarantee realization of all our schematics - especially the time machine side project - but hey, at least it’ll solve the morale problem.”
  3. “Now hold on just a minute!” hollers Lana Stoker, an unruly off-duty soldier. “We don’t need some jumped-up Party mouthpiece telling us what to do! Present company excepted, of course, Leader. And we don’t need fancy gizmos to motivate us either. The real problem is the officer corps forcing us to fight all the time. War takes so much effort and somebody always ends up getting hurt. If we have the troops elect officers at every level - including the top brass - we won’t be fighting pointless battles in the first place. After all, isn’t workers’ power what the Revolution is all about?”
  4. “An entire platoon just DESERTED!” fumes former Gulag Welfare Officer Tiberius Bush while visiting on diplomatic business, “And no one thinks they should be punished? In Glorious Motherland such treachery would never be tolerated,” he continues, mindlessly toying with a pistol, “It sounds to me that you need some men following around your conscripts to make sure the cowards don’t flee back to mommy. You don’t want Random Chaos to become the laughingstock of the anticapitalist world.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nobody ever questions the unquestioned rule that questions must always be asked.

2021-01-15 13:30

Waste of Time

Yesterday you spent several hours developing solutions to a complex sewage management dilemma that you had read about in a report in your desk drawer, only to realise today that this report was written eight years ago and that the problem was solved six years ago. Any one of the ministers, engineers or bureaucrats you consulted with yesterday could have told you this, but no-one did.

  1. “Uh, begging your pardon, oh wise and glorious leader,” pleads engineer Matt Cockburn, “but we have always been told that you are an infallible and ultimate authority, so we assumed you knew that the problem was already solved and that you were simply testing us in some way. With your permission, we will challenge that assumption in future, and speak our minds. Uh, as long as we don’t get punished for doing so! Please don’t hurt me!”
  2. “Leader, you are of course infallible,” shouts your head of secret police, moving in to put handcuffs on the engineer, “and this worthless wretch has failed the loyalty test! Guards, take him away!”
  3. “I think what we’re trying to say here is that you knew all along that the problem was solved,” weasels smug-faced vizier Sigourney Kaine. “However, you’ve found a more appropriate and elegant solution for the sewage dilemma, which admittedly costs more than the existing solution and may back up the occasional toilet, but which is superior for politically expedient reasons that mere sewage engineers and plumbers could not hope to understand. I will assemble workers, and order the old system to be replaced, immediately.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no-one can foil the ambitions of Big Aluminium.

2021-01-15 07:30

Your Land or Mine

A large aluminium deposit has been found at Gambler Hills, a remote area in Random Chaos. The Environmental Agency is being unusually easy-going, citing minimal potential ecological impact and approving mining to go ahead. Only one obstacle exists - the deposit is right in the middle of a sacred area of the indigenous Pangaoaoangan tribe.

  1. “Did you know that aluminium is the second most commonly used metal in our economy?” quizzes aluminium aficionado and bauxite buff Ellie Caesar, pointing to an ‘Ask Me About Electrolysis’ pin-badge proudly displayed on an ironed lapel. “This high quality deposit is a gold mine! Not literally of course, I’m just funning with you. We’re talking minimal tailings, starting at just minus 100 metres! Isn’t that exciting? Oh my goodness, there’s so much we can do when we have aluminium! Why hesitate?”
  2. “Leader, you must see it from our side,” insists Johann Hesse, a tribal elder wearing a sharp business suit and a worker’s hard hat. “Pullabooka - or as you call it - the Gambler Hills, belongs to my people. You cut into it, and you’re not just profaning a holy site, you’re cutting us out of your society! Look, we’re not blind to your economic needs: if you want to mine your metal, why not start seventy miles to the north instead, across that river canyon, then tunnel your way across to the deep deposits? A thousand generations of my ancestors are watching you, Leader. Do the right thing!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, halberds are common 18th birthday presents.

2021-01-15 01:30

Edged Out

Banning guns has reduced gun crime, but in its place knife crime is rising. A recent anonymous survey of teenagers suggests that a frighteningly high proportion of them carry a blade routinely.

  1. “My son was stabbed three times,” weeps Khethiwe MacIntyre, parent of a hospitalised teenager, “all because he looked at someone the wrong way. Well, yes, and spat in the girl’s face. Sure, and he poked her once or twice with his finger... look, that’s not the point! We have to ban concealed weapons of any sort!”
  2. “A knife is a vital tool!” exclaims outdoorsman Tarquin Sims, using his Bowie knife to peel a banana. “Responsible adults like me shouldn’t be punished! Just ban blade ownership till the age of majority; let grown-ups carry whatever blades they need to. Ouch!” He yelps as he nicks his finger.
  3. “Tribes in the Kawandaland jungle give children knives to play with as soon as they can walk,” observes hippy mum Kathryn Berenstein, handing her six-year-old son a bottle of bleach for his household chores. “Maybe if we trusted our children more, they’d learn responsibility at an early age. I say that every child should be encouraged to keep a knife on them, and taught to use it for creative purposes, like whittling or splint basketry.”
  4. “I can’t believe one is reduced to this; I’m frankly dying of embarrassment here, old chap,” mumbles Barack Gutenberg, an adolescent highwayman waving a silver butter-knife at you as he tries to mug you. “How is any self-respecting criminal meant to be taken seriously these days? For the sake of our national dignity, my dear bureaucrat, you must allow us to have our firearms back! Also, give me your valuables, or I’ll slice your gizzard.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bins outnumber trees in city parks.

2021-01-14 19:30

Putting Your Foot in It

While out jogging in the park, you step straight into a dog’s mess. Passers-by are quick to offer advice.

  1. “Disgusting, isn’t it?” asks city worker Harambe Quimby. “If you ask me, we need to clamp down on irresponsible dog owners. All public parks should be patrolled by dog wardens, able to dish out heavy fines to those who can’t be bothered picking up what their dumb pets’ behinds leave behind.”
  2. “Like that’s going to make any difference,” sneers professional dog-walker Marleen Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff. “The problem is a lack of places to dispose of the stuff. Nobody wants to carry around a smelly bag of doo-doo until they can find a place to put it. Install more bins, and that should do the trick.”
  3. “Ugh, dogs are so disgusting,” complains ailurophile Stan Duterte, as the pet cat accompanying him drops a dead bird at his feet and cleans its paws with its tongue. “Felines are much lovelier than dogs; they groom themselves constantly, and do their business in a tray, not outside like those mangy canines do. With that in mind, I propose that we restrict the ownership of dogs with hefty license fees, and use that money on a national campaign promoting the virtues of cats instead.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, older citizens lament over the loss of law and order.

2021-01-14 13:30

A Polar Bear’s Tale

An anonymous caller recently asked the police to break up a party at Gambler City Beach, citing an ancient law that states: ‘Goers unto the coast must be accompanied by an ursine beast of white fur’. This antiquated statute, leftover from long ago, after an influential courtier had trouble selling two dozen imported polar bears, was never rescinded. A re-examination of the many frivolous and archaic laws that are hidden within the nation’s legislative archives has found its way to you.

  1. “This is a stupid law!” complains Sheldon Andersson, who was interrogated by the police during the incident. “I was questioned for half an hour because I didn’t have a polar bear! Where am I supposed to find a polar bear? I’ve done some reading up on these old laws: did you know that in the district of West Random Chaos City it’s illegal for ladies to go out on Saturdays with a non-matching watch and handbag? These laws are foolish, and you should get rid of them.”
  2. “You can’t be serious!” exclaims Kitty Garrison, your secretary, who’s wearing goggles because she is within 50 cubits of a fire hose, a law that applies only to the inside of Parliament. “We can’t go around erasing all these half-witted laws — that would be way too much administrative work! We should just issue guidelines to our police officers, advising them to use their discretion about whether to enforce these laws.”
  3. “Excuse me, but you seem to be forgetting that these people broke the law,” reminds goggleless Chief of Police Emily Mealor, taking care to stand 51 cubits from the fire hose. “I don’t care how ‘stupid’ you think it is: the fact of the matter is that these people disobeyed the law! Sentence them as they would have been punished when these laws were written!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign policy is to avoid standing up to bullies.

2021-01-14 07:30

Westfailian Sovereignty

After the United Federation sent two police cars, a police helicopter, five drones and a wind-up toy into Random Chaos to capture “Mega Momo”, a Random Chaosian citizen and alleged terrorist, the government has called a special meeting to see what should be done about this blatant breach of sovereignty.

  1. “We need to modify our military – and sharpish – to keep those United Federation pests out of our national territory,” angrily growls General Kimmel, whilst marching a platoon of troops into your office. “We need to stop them from doing it again. Order the entire army to the border, and have them shoot any intruders on sight. That’ll learn them!”
  2. “Are you mad?” exclaims Agnieszka Roberts, one of your more queasy ministers, while trying to conceal her worry beads. “The United Federation has Gigadeath 4000 planes, Smashtastic 2000 helicopters and Udienow 500 missiles, and we barely have glorified crop-dusters! We need to engage the international community and try to convince them to join us in enacting sanctions against the United Federation. That will show them we’re serious!”
  3. “Was it so bad for the United Federation to bring their coppers here?” sighs Declan Zoidberg, your Border Patrol Chief, while rolling his eyes at the other speakers. “Mega Momo is a terrorist and if the United Federation police got him first, then good for them! In fact, if other countries want to cross our borders to arrest someone, we should let them. Then there’d be fewer criminals for us to worry about.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Retail Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation threatens sanctions on islands only visible at low tide.

2021-01-14 01:30

Building on Sand

Intelligence reports confirm that the ever-ambitious nation of Wezeltonia has been constructing artificial islands in the Maxxi Sea, in order to claim jurisdiction over the adjacent waters.

  1. “Those thieves think they can shut us out!” yells trade advisor Elmo Mitchell, placing a small ball on one side of a brass balance. “Trillions of chips pass through the Maxxi Sea. If we let Wezeltonia establish sovereignty there, they’ll be strong enough economically to bring the rest of the world to its knees! We need to get Brancaland, Skandilund, heck, maybe even Blackacre, to sanction Wezeltonia until they cease this naked mercantilism!” He drops a large weight onto the other side of the scale, causing the ball to fly and hit your young intern in the head.
  2. “What business of yours is it if we develop our own waters?” snaps Kimberly Sulu, the ill-tempered ambassador from Wezeltonia. “We don’t tell you how to manage your outlying territories, unless your outlying territories lie in our zone of control. But I’ll tell you what, maybe we could contract with some of your construction firms to help us build. That could put both our nations on a more solid foundation.”
  3. “Wezeltonia is destroying the environment in the Maxxi Sea!” wails marine biologist Randy Caldwell, who was not invited to this meeting but followed your carbon footprint here. “All that sand is destroying coral reefs and killing sea creatures in their own habitat. We need to convince the World Assembly to declare that artificial islands are not recognized as territory, to reduce Wezeltonia’s economic incentive to build there. If that doesn’t work, send them a telegram and order them to stop murdering harmless fish, crustaceans, and vampire squids!”
  4. “It seems to me that these shores do still be international waters, savvy?” says Admiral Whoopi Hill, looking through the wrong end of a spyglass. “Let’s send a ship or two out there to remind Wezeltonia that our freedom of navigation still applies. With our patrols on the watch, they won’t dare venture more than a few nautical miles from their shore! Or kilometers or other such bilge.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, peer pressure from cooler world leaders directs Random Chaosian government policy.

2021-01-13 19:30

Where There Isn’t Smoke

Since the smoking ban, tragedy has struck Random Chaos as the most hip bars lack a certain je ne sais quoi, formerly smoke-filled back rooms are disturbingly transparent, and withdrawing smokers are beset with torpor. Oh, who are you kidding: powerful tobacco interests, wheelbarrows full of money in tow, have come to your office begging for the law to change.

  1. “Productivity has declined in workplaces across the nation and we’ve got thousands of acres of tobacco plantations going fallow,” states ex-Commissar for the Nicotine Production Committee Stan Erso. “The noble worker deserves their smoke break; who are we to take that away from them? Besides, what self-respecting socialist figure would be seen dead without a cigar clenched firmly in their teeth? All the cool communist leaders are doing it; why don’t you give it a try?” With that he discretely stuffs a fine Manamanan cigar into your pocket.
  2. “It’s not just the tobacco plantations that aren’t at full capacity,” states scruffy looking economics professor Ash MacIntyre, sporting a shirt that bears the slogan ‘Addiction is a Spook’. “Land across Random Chaos could be converted to marijuana plantations, poppy fields, and meth labs. Having the state produce all sorts of drugs could be a huge boost to Random Chaosian economic activity. And if you think a smoke break will make the workers more efficient, you should see them after an amphetamine break.”
  3. “Is Random Chaosian health really for sale?” asks your personal doctor, stethoscope pressed to your chest. “Are kids growing up with parents who are bed ridden due to emphysema worth a few more chips in the coffers of Random Chaos? How about hospital beds full of lung cancer victims? If anything, you should further discourage any renegade smoke-fiends by raising the penalties for getting caught holding or dealing tobacco.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, doctors will keep brain-dead coma patients ventilated for years in order to avoid accusations of allowing people to die.

2021-01-13 13:30

Light at the End of the Tunnel

A 33-year-old woman, who has chosen to remain anonymous, has been refused state-sanctioned euthanasia by her doctors because of her diagnosis of severe depression. She’s pointing out that this depression is exactly why she wants to die, and is asking that the right to merciful death be extended to allow her medically-assisted suicide.

  1. The patient in question, avoiding eye contact and speaking flatly, makes her case: “I’ve felt like this since I was a child, I’ve been through every medication, seen a hundred counsellors, even had ECT blasting my brain. They’ve all done nothing, nothing at all. I’ll take my own life if I have to, but wouldn’t it be better if I could end my life painlessly and comfortably?”
  2. “You see where this slippery slope has brought us to?” asks Waldo Hill, of lobby group 1stDoNoHarm. “You tell people it’s okay to kill themselves, and that’s what they’ll do. You tell doctors it’s okay to let people die, and that’s what they’ll do. What’s next? Murdering the learning-disabled or those with the wrong skin colour? Change the government’s message, Leader. Choose life.”
  3. “I sympathise with this patient’s situation,” says neuropsychologist Bodhi Payne, showing no outward signs of being sympathetic at all, “but allowing suicide and banning euthanasia are both choices that are just running away from the bigger problem: chronic, intractable depression. We need a review of root causes, more mental health funding and a drive towards exploring experimental new treatments, like neuroaffective immunotherapy. Spend more on mental health and social services; cut other departments or raise taxes if you have to: this is a national crisis.”
  4. “Well, life is pretty damn pointless,” says Nia Liszt, leader of a new movement calling themselves the Self-Destructivists, “so why don’t we just end people’s misery once and for all? We humans have had a terrible impact on the planet and suffering is inherent to life. You should donate some public money to my crowdfunded “kill-starter”: I’m looking to engineer the perfect virus that will wipe out all human life forever. There’s a little fine tuning to be done, but in the meantime, you can buy access to my existing research, which will probably help you develop some biological WMDs, or whatever else you like to occupy yourself with. I mean, who cares? It’s all ridiculous, anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, produce labels read 'may contain traces of food'.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Corrupt Dictatorship" to "Father Knows Best State".

2021-01-13 07:30

To Each According to Whatever’s Left

Multiple state warehouses that were supposed to be stacked high with sacks of freshly harvested crops were recently found to be empty, leaving many to speculate about bureaucratic mix-ups, corrupt black market reselling, or alien potato abductions. Investigations are ongoing, but in the meantime a lot of people are getting hungry.

  1. “We need to immediately direct our workforce toward producing more food,” insists your Minister of Food Distribution, sitting in the corner and sharpening a sickle. “If we don’t want our citizens to starve, we must move them into agricultural communes and put every shoulder to the wheel, regardless of profession, age or ability. By sharing tools, grain and livestock we can offset this disaster as soon as possible. Sure, it’ll be hard manual work, but at least our comrades will be nourished.”
  2. “We must assure our populace that everything is going to plan,” says your Minister of Propaganda, brushing dust from your desk into a jar of kvass. “Just keep the shelves stocked by using cheap fillers in our food for a while, and don’t let factory staff tell anyone. I’m not suggesting sawdust here; just add extra water, and bulk food with a little chalk or alum. Try some tea made with thrice-recycled leaves!” He presses the lukewarm cup into your hands.
  3. “You know, I’ve heard from some East Lebatuckese pals that smoking helps people eat less,” whispers your brother, who smells subtly of burnt dignity. “Ergo, we wouldn’t have this problem if we legalized smoking and encouraged everyone to take up the habit. We could even add extra appetite suppressants and call them Comrade’s Choice.”
  4. “The true socialist is independent,” shouts your Minister of Agriculture from outside your window, where he is hammering chicken mesh to a fencepost. “From each according to his ability, to each according to his ability. We should make everyone grow their own stinkin’ food. Good comrades don’t sponge off of the system, at others’ expense. We shouldn’t have to worry about freak logistics problems. If everyone rose or fell, ate or starved, alone and entirely on their own merits, we’d all be truly equal.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Authoritarian and Most Advanced Public Transport.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens who want to celebrate the holidays generally deck the halls with old newspaper trimmings and dirty socks.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Corrupt Dictatorship".

2021-01-13 01:30

Commercial Tidings Well in Advance

The holiday season is commonly regarded as a wonderful time of the year when families can get together, share in good times, and give each other plenty of gifts. Of course, this hasn’t gone unnoticed by the corporate sector, as many big-name companies have chosen to begin advertising their holiday-related products many months in advance. This has left many citizens confused, frustrated, and in need of your guidance.

  1. “This is ludicrous!” shouts one unhappy young adult who somehow managed to stroll into your office, waving around a “New Year’s Sale” advertisement that was issued in the month of September. “Why are they telling us about all these Violet-darned holidays so early? It’s absolute madness. Pranksgiving hasn’t even hit yet and they’re talking about Life Day like it was tomorrow! This flagrant consumerism must be stopped. I demand that you make it so companies can only have holiday-relevant advertisements and decorations during the month of the respective holiday.”
  2. “Let’s not get too hasty,” states a portly, white-bearded gentleman in jolly attire who claims to be the CEO of a major toy company. “Sometimes people need to take a while to think over what kind of presents they should get for their loved ones. That’s why we find it necessary to remind them so early that the holidays are approaching. We just want to give our customers enough time to decide what to buy. You know, maybe you could help by mentioning the upcoming festivities in your speeches. Ho ho ho!”
  3. “I agree that the government should stay out of this,” states Lieutenant General Rod Ford, who dropped by your office to discuss border security. “However, there should be an exception for the holidays that are actually important, such as Military Heroes of the Free Land Day. We must mandate that all businesses devote an equal amount of attention to patriotic celebrations as they do the other holidays, like the Feast of Saint Beryl that those Cult of Cyan weirdos are always going on about. Personally, I don’t know why you’d want to celebrate a demented old lady who ate a dozen human hearts in a single day, but to each his own I suppose.”
  4. “The capitalist pigs continue to show their true colors!” cries a woman wearing a hammer-and-sickle shirt and waving around a red flag. “All this blatant consumerism is brainwashing the workers into buying their horrible products months in advance. This is how they do business, by leeching off of the hard work of the laborers and pressuring them to buy, buy, buy all throughout the year, holiday or not. Leader, you MUST ban all capitalism to ensure that these money-grubbers will be unable to prosper except by serving the masses!”
  5. “The blasphemy on display here is completely atrocious!” announces popular televangelist Zelda McBoatface, adorned in sequined priestly attire. “Truly, these heathenish money-changers only see Maxxmas and the other holidays as a celebration of profits. Our people are forgetting the all-important meaning of this most sacred time of the year. Let us ensure that all commercials aired during the holiday season contain very strong and prominent reminders of our glorious faith. Oh, and of course it wouldn’t hurt to include a special reminder about my own role in the Grand Design.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sports journals are full of uplifting puff-pieces on professional boxers.

2021-01-12 19:30

Making Money Hand Over Fist

In a highly-anticipated boxing match between ‘Pretty Boy’ Shinzo Keating and Ingmar ‘The Junkyard Dog’ Yates watched by millions across the nation, both competitors walked away with more than one hundred million chips. Critics are claiming that the fight has ushered in a new wave of spoilt, egotistical, money-grabbing athletes.

  1. “It is utterly ridiculous,” tuts Gabriel English, a freelance journalist who formerly focused on politics but is rumored to have switched to reporting on sports to pay the bills. “If I knew dancing around like a fairy for an hour could earn me that much, I certainly wouldn’t be wasting my time writing! The government should peg athletes’ salaries to another hardworking profession, like freelance journalism, to curb this unfair advantage.”
  2. “That just doesn’t cut it,” interjects Lisbeth Márquez, head of a wage equality group. “What about the actor getting paid a princely sum for spending a day acting in a commercial? Or a CEO getting paid fifty times what their workers make to lounge on the golf course? The government should regulate all professions. Professional pay will no longer be a matter of industry and business, but of legality and government policy.”
  3. “They must think we’re grabbing money from their... wal... uh, wall... er... pockets,” mumbles the no longer so handsome-looking Shinzo Keating, who lost the fight in a knockout. “Lots of people paid to see the fight and I ear... uhh... what’s the word? EARNED that money. In fact, you should... pro... prom... help make more people watch our fights. People will have a fun thing to watch, and maybe they’ll even want to become fit like me.”
  4. “Those critics are just cowardly keyboard warriors,” hisses the infamously tough boxing coach Samuel Silva. “I’m sure anyone critical of athletes’ salaries would quickly shut up if we forced them into a real fighting situation. They’d be good punching bags for the million chip fighter I’m training.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, stores employing more than 100 employees are required to be at least twenty miles from any competitor.

2021-01-12 13:30

Supermarkets Gobbling Up All the Customers?

The recent boom in the nationwide supermarket Humongo-Mart has brought representatives from local mom and pop stores to your office demanding action be taken.

  1. “Humongo-Mart is destroying our livelihoods!” shouts Heston Dixon, the owner of a small butchery, while waving a bloody cleaver. “These chains are over-saturating our cities with ridiculously low prices. I simply can’t compete. You need to put a stop to this. We need more regulations dictating where these supermarkets can be.”
  2. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” scoffs business columnist Melissa Lazenby. “You want to punish businesses if they become too successful? They started small just like everyone else. If you regulate or — heaven forbid — ban big business, can you imagine the fallout? Without corporations to compete with, these small shops could gouge their prices. Never mind what capping industry growth would do to the economy. If anything we need less government meddling.”
  3. “This raises an interesting question,” begins amateur philosopher Themba Sandler. “Why should we leave an essential commodity such as food up to the whims of profits and greed? The government needs to step in and take control of the means of food production in this country. You could ensure that every citizen is provided with a well-balanced, healthy meal instead of this overpriced slop. People shouldn’t have their health and basic needs held hostage by greedy corporations!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the justice of Random Chaos is considered superior to that of other nations.

2021-01-12 07:30

Court in the Middle

Vlad Leopold, the despised Tasmanian war criminal and international fugitive, was recently captured by the Random Chaosian police while in hiding just outside of Random Chaos City. With members of the international community wanting to see justice, the question of jurisdiction has arisen.

  1. “This dastardly fiend committed numerous crimes against humanity,” states Homer Powers, a prosecutor from the The Hatrackia Criminal Court. “Therefore, it is obvious that Leopold’s trial falls under the jurisdiction of the international court. We’ll start legal proceedings against him, adhering to the letter of the law, and in less than five years his sentence will be announced.”
  2. “This monster killed my father,” snarls the Tasmanian ambassador Michelle Wiener, wiping tears of anger and grief from her eyes. “Also my sister, my two best friends and my great uncle. My point is, we Tasmanians were wronged by him, and we deserve our retribution. We, the Tasmanian people, must be allowed to prosecute and then punish this genocidal villain.” She picks up a set of thumbscrews and looks at you meaningfully.
  3. “This arrest was the finest moment of my career, and also a big moment for Random Chaos,” counters Tiberius Drake, the national police chief. “Leopold slaughtered a few Random Chaosian volunteers in the Tasmanian Civil War, so we can rightfully try him for murdering our own citizens. Everyone can whine all they want, but the fact is they couldn’t catch him. We did. It’s our sovereign right to try criminals captured on our territory.”
  4. Finally, a man in dark sunglasses and with a mysterious tattoo of an all-seeing eye on his wrist, whom you don’t remember seeing enter the room, whispers in your ear, “What Leopold did wrong wasn’t the indiscriminate decimation of the Tasmanian population. It’s that he wasn’t smart about it. He’s got raw potential, sure. If you give him to me, I’ll make sure he becomes much more efficient, professional and covert in his work. You can also trust that this time, he’ll be working for the good guys.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, thousands of former welfare recipients are in a revolutionary uproar as the rest of society is enjoying a hefty tax break.

2021-01-12 01:30

To Bail or Not to Bail?

A recent severe crash in the stock market of Random Chaos and a plummet of the value of the chip has brought the issue of government bailouts to the forefront of the national agenda.

  1. “We need to do something now! The people’s welfare — not to mention all my side businesses — are in serious danger!” screams your finance minister Tamara O. “We need an extensive support program for the businesses that make our country great, otherwise we might as well join ranks with those... third-world countries,” he shudders. “Never mind that all the businesses on this list are owned by my relatives!”
  2. “You’re talking about doing what!?” screams Björk Underwood, a noted fiscal conservative and libertarian scholar. “Government bailouts won’t solve anything. They’ll only redistribute wealth to those the government happens to favor at that particular moment, while placing a crushing burden onto everybody else. The government must instead cut taxes across the board and axe all unnecessary social programs, particularly our welfare system.”
  3. “This brings up an interesting point,” remarks socialist author Gary Cockburn. “Why do we allow businesses to become “too big to fail?” The solution, surely, is to break up businesses before they reach such a size that they threaten our economy. Imagine it: community-based businesses, run for the benefit of the little people, not faceless, money-grubbing investment banks! Is there really a reason corporations need to be big?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 'Gamblernado 6: You Gotta Be Kidding Me' is this summer's top-grossing movie.

2021-01-11 19:30

Sequels: The Saga Continues

After the ban on sequels, the Random Chaosian film industry has produced films that have been praised by critics and won multiple awards, but which have bombed at the box office. The lack of revenue is worrying studio executives, producers, and moviegoers alike.

  1. “We need our popcorn flicks back!” complains film director Michel Cove, who holds the ‘Most Explosions on a Film Set’ record. “I haven’t made a single film since the ban, and the masses are emptying out of movie theaters. Sure, my TransMorphers series isn’t some pretentious arthouse bull that sweeps the awards, but it does bring the big bucks, and that’s exactly what the industry needs right now. Not to mention this ban tramples on my freedom of expression.”
  2. “Allowing sequels will only continue the dumbing down of this once-great nation,” suggests film critic Gene Ebert, giving his trademark thumbs down to the director. “There was a reason why we banned them, you know. Films like To Kill a Laughing Bird or Citizen Cruz might not make a killing at the box office, but they tell beautiful and important stories that might not otherwise get to touch the world. The film industry simply needs to do a better job at advertising them. Perhaps a little government funding could go a long way.”
  3. “Perhaps there’s a compromise,” suggests your movie buff niece, who had just come back from her Star Battles marathon. “What if we allow some sequels, but only if the original film is a commercial and a critical success? This means no more Mildly Spooky Movie sequels, but it’ll allow the excellent Planet of the Gamblers series to continue. It may not please everyone, but I think that’s a more than fair alternative.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, diplomatic cables about Leader have suddenly been very flattering.

2021-01-11 13:30

In the Bag

A Bigtopian diplomatic bag was accidentally searched by customs officers, contrary to diplomatic conventions. Before the search was stopped, the bag was found to contain cocaine brownies, snortable marijuana, gold leaf toilet paper rolls, and jars of whale oil. Even though the bags were promptly handed over to the Bigtopian embassy, questions have been raised about this discovery.

  1. “This is the most obvious case of smuggling I’ve ever seen!” says customs officer Gertie Hayes, oblivious to a man wearing a trenchcoat full of fake watches sneaking through the checkpoint behind her. “Those Bigtopians are abusing our trust by bringing in all manner of illegal items, and not paying duties on the legal ones. You need to punish the Bigtopians by expelling them immediately, even if it exposes us as breaking diplomatic conventions.”
  2. “Why do we allow diplomatic bags anyway?” asks one of your aides. “Just treat embassy luggage the same as any other luggage, subject to the exact same rules and examination as everybody else’s bags.”
  3. “While diplomatic bags aren’t meant to contain contraband, the greater fault is ours,” observes your Minister of Protocol. “To open a diplomatic bag — even accidentally — is a major breach of trust. Embassies being allowed to confidentially send documents and communications to their own governments is the basis of international diplomacy. Also, dare I say it, our own diplomatic bags carry sensitive information back to us from other nations which are critical to our intelligence community. Apologise to the Bigtopians, claim you didn’t look closely at the contents, and offer them a hefty payment in contrition for our impoliteness.”
  4. “The illegal products aren’t as important as the concealed intel,” agrees spymaster ‘N’, while searching your briefcase without permission. “Imagine the valuable intelligence we could find by covertly opening every country’s diplomatic bags. We could learn military secrets, along with the names of foreign spies within our country, then replicate their passports for espionage. We can blackmail couriers, walk them through hidden scanners, and employ tradecraft in other subtler ways to compromise the bags. It’s the right thing to do for our glorious Free Land.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, news headlines usually include p-values.

2021-01-11 07:30

Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics

A dubious study in a dubious scientific magazine recently asserted that pizza is healthy, preventing heart disease, curing cancer and treating low libido. The scientific community rapidly discredited the study, but not before newspaper headlines had many Random Chaosians believing it.

  1. “This is a cheese-topped catastrophe! A doughy disaster!” moans paediatrician Dr. Daniel Ambrose, who has spent all morning trying to convince mums not to put their kids on a pizza-only diet. “Science can’t move forward if its legitimacy is being undermined by bad studies! This Eckie-Cola Scientific Review is a sorry excuse for a publication, taking payment to publish any old trash, and masquerading as a serious journal! You must pass laws demanding stringency of peer review and reference-checking in academia.”
  2. “You can’t stop bad science,” complains sociologist Julia Galavan. “What you can do, however, is expect the media to check if studies are legitimate. Just fine news networks each time they broadcast misleading information or fail to check their scientific sources, and hold them legally accountable for the consequences of misinformation.”
  3. “Mamma mia, I tell you this is the truth!” exclaims Professor Giuseppe De Luigi, of the Independent Pizza Research Institute. “The ivory tower of academia has been saying for years that pizza was making the bambinos obese, but here is the evidence! It has all the fresh and organic ingredients, like tomatoes and even pineapples, and they count as a vegetable, sì? You should be telling everyone to be eating my cousin Benito’s delicious pizzas!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, couples wishing to marry spend months at the circus trying to learn acrobatics.

2021-01-11 01:30

It’s Official: “I Do” Does Do It

A research project conducted by the Random Chaosian Institute of People Studies found that marriages in other countries do indeed “seem to work,” unlike previously thought. The sociologists published the results in The Highbrow Journal of People Watching, causing quite a stir in Random Chaos.

  1. “See? SEE? I told you I was right!” says Birgitta Perry, your number one fan, who weekly sends you letters promising eternal love and devotion. “Matrimony is a storied social tradition that helps build family cohesion. It’s the ultimate public declaration of love, a human right, even. People should be allowed to marry whoever they like, whatever they like, whenever they like it! On that note, will you marry me?”
  2. Ganondorf Watts, a bureaucrat notorious for bed-hopping, retorts, “That’s ridiculous. Marriage was discouraged because it served no purpose besides restricting personal freedom. Instead we should implement public courses on the efficacy of the marriage ban, starting from an early age. Random Chaosians must know that we as a nation promote freedom, OF EVERY KIND!”
  3. “There’s another way to look at it!” cries Lucina de Castro, a noted eccentric. “The main cause of failed marriages then, and failed relationships now, is simply stupid people making dumb choices! Legalize marriage, but make sure that engaged couples have to pass tests like leaping over the Flames of Wedlock or facing Cupid’s Arrows! That way only those truly in love will get married.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, oil executives can be seen reluctantly cleaning oil-soaked birds.

2021-01-10 19:30

Oil’s Well That Ends Well

An offshore oil rig has exploded, spewing millions of barrels of petroleum into the South Gambler Sea.

  1. “These oil companies must be held accountable for their reckless negligence!” yells environmentalist Jean-Paul Kardashian, while scrubbing the oil off a dolphin. “We cannot let this environmental catastrophe continue! We must stop the oil spewage and restore the environment to its former glory! And as for those greedy fat cats who caused this mess, they should foot the cleanup bill!”
  2. “Woah, woah... let’s not demonize the oil companies. It’s not like they want these spills to happen,” cautions Nomfundo Reed, an investor in DrillBabyDrill Fund Management. “Think of what punitive measures would do to the economy. It’s an unfortunate situation, to be sure, but do we really want to put one of Random Chaos’s corporate stars out of business? That will only hurt us all. Let the government take care of the cleanup, like usual.”
  3. “Those are just short-term solutions,” says solar engineer Wendy Xavier with a distant look in her eye. “We should do everything we can to stop this leak AND invest in alternative energy. Who needs limited fossil fuels when you have solar, wind, and geothermal power? Don’t you want your children to live in a world free from the oily grasp of big business?”
  4. “You’re looking at this the wrong way. This isn’t a problem; it’s a golden opportunity!” says theme park tycoon Llywelyn Elgar, slicking back his hair. He continues: “Picture this: thousands upon thousands of tourists flocking to Random Chaos. Why are these people coming in droves, you ask? To see the one, the only Great Gambler Sea Oil Slick! Throw up a few more platforms, add some roller coasters, a few restaurants, tie it all together with a jolly mascot, and you’ve turned this unfortunate accident into a lucky break!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, books are considered luxuries only available to the incredibly wealthy.

2021-01-10 13:30

We Need Cash, Sharpish, Say Librarians

Ailing libraries have appealed to the government for a much-needed injection of funds.

  1. “Our libraries are in a dreadful state,” says distressed librarian, Paris Cruise. “This year we had to cancel our subscription to ‘Playboy’ and over half of our shelves are stacked with pamphlets from the Pizzeria across the road. We need more books and better standards. If there were more perks in this job then maybe we’d get some decent employees! If it needs a whole lot of government funds to pay for it all then so be it!”
  2. “Now hold it right there!” says manager of the local MEGA-BOOKS store, Woody Kimmel. “I employ twenty-four people and we are dependent upon people paying us money to buy books, magazines and newspapers from my store. How can you even think about giving our tax chips to these people so they can put us out of business? Of course poor people won’t be able to afford our wares but they’d only use them for fires or somethin’. Let our libraries die.”
  3. “I’m all for giving our libraries more money,” says Education Minister, Chip Roberts. “But we certainly shouldn’t just let them spend it however they please. We need an elected board to oversee all purchases and acquisitions made by our library system, promoting educational literature and keeping out smut. That way we can keep nudity out of the hands of children. We can make sure none of those political satires and newspapers that insult our government affect the weak-minded amongst us too. Then our libraries will be something to be proud of.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only the brainiest citizens become academics.

2021-01-10 07:30

To Paint or Not to Paint?

An elite group of highly-qualified, well-respected scientists, lawyers, and doctors are campaigning to outlaw the study of the Arts and Humanities in the Universities of Random Chaos.

  1. “Why should Arts students get to lounge around reading books and watching daytime TV for hours on end, when some of our hard-working youngsters are dedicating themselves to the study of worthwhile and valuable subjects; studies which will benefit the nation as a whole?” asks Aziz Rios, a student engineer. “We should be grooming our young people to help, not sponge off the system. The Arts should be considered a hobby, not a career.”
  2. “You can’t mean that,” gasps Prof. Catherine Gratwick, renowned worldwide for her paintings of trains. “Learning should be done out of love, not duty. The study of the Arts has been a noble field for many centuries, and learning it is not as easy as you think. I’d rather die than live in a world where creativity is stifled. We should be encouraging young artists, writers, musicians - if only to strengthen Random Chaos’s cultural reputation.”
  3. “What’s the point in allowing most young people to continue in further education anyway?” enquires Felicity Zaius, a factory manager. “Surely most students would be better employed in manual and factory work? You should handpick a select few to study medicine, the law, science, and business of course, and utilise the majority of youth to increase the country’s productivity in industry. Academic freedom just gets in the way of a functioning society, I’ve always said.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Retail Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is automatically assumed to be the source of all unmarked weapons.

2021-01-10 01:30

The Goriest Advertisement

The world was shocked by videos of a Bigtopian rebel army massacring a village... using weapons with “Made in Random Chaos” proudly branded on them.

  1. “Another happy customer!” declares Jake Poindexter, the manager of a large firearm factory, beaming with pride. “Look how pleased that gentleman is at his RCXP-7631 battle rifle’s stopping power. Just as advertised, it is making mincemeat of that mother and baby! Hey, speaking of advertisement, can we use this footage please? I think videos like these are fantastic at showcasing the quality of our awesome products.”
  2. “Hm... perhaps too good an advertisement,” says the factory’s assistant manager, while watching a video of a tank rolling over a man’s head. “While the rebels’ choice of a Model 5 Gambler tank was an excellent one, maybe we should have our name... well, you know, not written onto the vehicle’s hull that boldly. We should have a regulation to scrape off our weapons’ origins when selling them abroad. That way, only gun nuts will know about our role in these... um... occurrences.”
  3. “Oh come on, you idiot!” screams infuriated weapons designer Koch Winchester at the screen. “Do you want to get blood jamming your pristine shotgun? Because beating an old woman to death with one is how you get that! Guns are for shooting, not... ugh. Hey, Leader, it’s clear that these foreigners don’t know how to use our goods properly. You should ban all sales abroad and only sell our weapons to the fine people of Random Chaos. Be sure to loosen up those gun laws first!”
  4. “That’s ridiculous!” cries the Bigtopian ambassador. “If anything, these atrocities are proof that our great country needs more aid in crushing these rebel scum. You should mandate that only legitimate governments can purchase your arms. We certainly don’t get involved in such gratuitous violence in more than 30% of the towns we liberate. That way, you will instead see your nation’s name being used for good, not this disgusting stuff. Mostly.”
  5. “Wait just a minute!” shouts Natalia Wells, your Minister of Non-Violent Solutions, who appears to have just smashed her way out of a storage room after being locked inside by your Defense Minister. “Why do we even have a weapons industry? Look at the destruction it’s causing. This world would be a better place without our weapons and the accompanying bloodshed. I say that we must shut down every munitions factory in the nation - regardless of the cost!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every week is blindness awareness week.

2021-01-09 19:30

Turning a Blind Eye?

When a blind man and his guide gambler were recently refused service in Random Chaos City restaurant ‘The Haute Potato’, it started a heated debate that few had seen coming.

  1. “This is a real eye-opener!” exclaims Mathias Murdock, head of the Random Chaosian Blind Trust, speaking to a large group of cane-wielding protesters. “This discrimination against the blind and partially-sighted has gone on for too long. Not only should we be allowed to take our companions and guardians wherever we go, now is the time to realize our vision of a society completely accessible for the visually impaired!”
  2. “Gamblers must be kept out of restaurants; why can’t these people see that?” queries Minerva Chavez, a young chef from ‘The Haute Potato’, reeking of paprika. “It’s not that I don’t understand, really, I do, but it’s a health issue, you know. Imagine that thing entering the kitchen; you’d get their fur or scales or whathaveyou all over the buffet,” she asserts confidently while her sweat trickles down into tonight’s baba ganoush. “He should just tie his gambler outside along with any other mutt. They still have their canes, don’t they?”
  3. Your gambler-walker, Leia Ives, who has 20/20 vision, rambles at you whilst untangling several leads. “Why are we only thinking of the blind here? I can’t see why the blind should be able to take their gamblers into restaurants, while my poor babies still have to be tied out in the rain. You’ll let me take my gamblers into restaurants as well, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people who stay late at the office often come home to find their own funeral being planned.

2021-01-09 13:30

Frozen Assets

A Random Chaosian mountain climber was lost in a remote province of Dàguó, atop a peak known as the Mother of All Mountains. She is most likely dead, but without the body, her relatives have had trouble collecting death benefits and inheriting her estate.

  1. “It’s hard enough losing her without having to deal with all this red tape!” sobs the climber’s tearful sister, gazing distressedly at the late climber’s 8th century porcelain vase collection. “This is just adding insult on top of injury! We all know she’s not coming back, so please, just help us get a piece of... uh, I mean help us find peace!”
  2. “Just because Yolanda Liu climbed the Mother of All Mountains doesn’t mean it’s her job to help her grasping relatives climb the social ladder,” sneers cantankerous left-wing blogger Daisy Sestero. “Have the government seize her property for now, and hold it in trust until she turns up, dead or alive.”
  3. “Perhaps I can help your government resolve this issue,” offers mountain guide Hirsa Hendi Sherpa. “It might be possible to recover Yolanda’s body, if you’re willing to fund the search. With a well-organized search of the 30,000-foot peak, we’ll almost certainly find your woman. Then all the paperwork will be simple and her family can give her a proper funeral.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Maxtopian Grass flags adorn every college dorm room.

2021-01-09 07:30

Caught Green Handed

A surprising number of politicians from all walks of life have admitted to smoking Maxtopian Grass and other soft drugs. Some are calling this a fragrant disregard of the law, while others believe this should spark a major shift in the nation’s War on Drugs.

  1. “Isn’t this typical?” scoffs columnist Erica Haggard, “Once again these crooked politicians are getting away with things that would put us regular folk in jail. The government is sending a very mixed message by not acting on this. They decry drugs, yet several of their own are known users. If the government has any sense of credibility they would send these criminals to jail with the rest of the druggies.”
  2. “On the contrary; this sends a very clear message,” replies a man with a large beard while smoking an unidentifiable substance, “The latest surveys show that the majority of citizens disagree with the government on this issue. More people than ever before are supporting legalization, particularly among youth. It seems like a few of our politicians have finally caught on. Instead of punishing these brave men and women for a victimless crime, let’s do something positive and legalize the stuff already.”
  3. “I’ve got an idea!” suggests Judas Nimoy, an advisor you thought you’d fired last month, “We can’t alienate our conservative base by legalizing drugs, but we also don’t want to send our political allies to jail. What if all the politicians wrapped up in this scandal set the record straight by saying they didn’t inhale? That’s what we experts call deniable plausibility.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military minds worry that 'the blue screen of death' on brand new operating systems may be a literal description.

2021-01-09 01:30

Old Fusion

Official inspectors visiting your nuclear launch silos have revealed that much of the equipment used is decades old, and that sourcing replacement parts for superseded technologies is becoming more difficult.

  1. “This is an utter disgrace! Imagine how this obsolete trash would perform in the face of nuclear war!” spits General Suparman, pointing to the red ‘hotline’ rotary phone that connects to your office. “We’d all be dead before you can say ‘underfunded military’! You need to remedy this, and get new, state-of-the-art equipment and computers, with the latest versions of the best software on the market. Our nation’s safety depends on it!”
  2. “It’s not just a matter of cost,” complains your Treasury Minister, as he turns down the silo’s thermostat to reduce the heating bill. “An upgrade of this scale would cost us more than chips! It would mean abandoning tried and tested approaches, which we know are reliable and safe from hackers. And cheap. But mostly reliable and safe. I mean, we could still use this stuff, can’t we? Just buy any spare parts you need cheap from vBay or something. This isn’t about money! It isn’t!”
  3. “Woah, dude, WMDs are like, so uncool,” wails Private Rex Carey, a hippie peacenik who accidentally enlisted while high, but has stuck around for the free food. “Why spend money on weapons of war, when you can spend it on, like... other stuff, man! You gotta make love, not war, guys.” He absent-mindedly offers you a toke from his spliff.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, swings are banned for being a danger to children.

2021-01-08 19:30

Are You Not Entertained?

Last weekend, a roller coaster malfunction at Six Hundred Flags Theme Park resulted in dozens of people left hanging upside down from stationary carriages for almost half an hour and one passenger injured badly from the fall after she released her own safety harness to get down. Outraged by a perceived lack of safety, concerned parents are now pushing to have something done about the dangers posed by amusement park rides.

  1. “MY CHILD COULD HAVE DIED ON THAT THING!” vents overprotective mother, Barbara Martin. “And the mess... vomit in his hair was the least of his problems: he’s always had weak bowels, poor thing. These roller coasters are clearly a danger to the public. Not to mention that people actually waste money on those godforsaken things. I say we ban them right away, along with any other rides that could put my baby boy at risk.”
  2. “That’s a little excessive,” concludes your uncle, Oswald Smiley, while attempting to child-proof your office. “When properly regulated, amusement park rides pose no danger. So the only reasonable thing to do is to hire a lot more health and safety inspectors. That way tourists can visit our nation’s rides and restaurants without fretting about their own safety.”
  3. “That sounds like a waste of money,” says Mia Blofeld, director of the infamous amusement park, after literally taking candy from a baby. “This was totally an isolated incident that in no way reflects upon my park’s safety or popularity. I can’t believe people are panicking so much over a couple of broken ribs and a snapped neck. Everyone knows that necks naturally repair themselves. Let me reopen my park tomorrow, and I’ll have all the ride malfunctions fixed. Eventually.”
  4. “Woah, so cool!” opines wannabe daredevil Themba Hall, who appears to be improvising a motorcycle out of scrap iron and kerosene. “The only thing cooler than feeling like you’re on the brink of death is actually being on the brink of death. Just scrap all those lame safety rules so we can get some real excitement! Super dangerous, but that’s just part of the thrill, man.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, whenever pilots have to bail out the government bails out their company.

2021-01-08 13:30

Mayday! Mayday!

Three weeks ago Oceanic Airlines Flight 209 disappeared from radar, and now a crash has been confirmed, with debris scattered across the sea, and the missing two hundred passengers and crew officially declared dead and lost. This tragedy was only the most recent airplane catastrophe departing from Random Chaos, and anxious flyers are demanding immediate safety improvements.

  1. “Clearly these disasters mean we are long overdue for new aircraft,” states Oceanic Airlines CEO Commodus Mann while playing with a model jet. “These crashes are caused by outdated, crumbling, and ugly aircraft like the Moeing 606 and the Airtrolley T300. In fact, the average age of any given plane is thirty years! We live in a technological and automated world. It’s time our planes joined the modern world, too! We can build a next generation fleet if the government gave us some funding. Then our skies and safety reputation will be second to none!”
  2. “Our aircraft aren’t the problem, it’s who’s flying the plane!” replies pilot Hudson Sullenburger, running a flight simulator for students. “Did you know that pilot error is the number one cause of accidents? They’ve become lazy, sleep-deprived, and constantly tardy! We need more stringent measures on the training of pilots. We can introduce more intense and hands-on testing and ban anyone without a license from flying. Flying a plane is much more complex than video games make them look.” The trainer now looks at the class and picks on a student. “Now Joey, you ever been in a cockpit before? Or have you seen gladiator movies?”
  3. “I see these crashes all the time,” sighs Jenna Sisko, a lead investigator of aviation crashes. “The reason they disappear from radar is because they break-up mid-flight. Maintenance is the obvious problem. We need to require airlines and airports to perform constant maintenance checks on all aircraft and ground any plane with the slightest defect. Yes, that might be costly, but not maintaining planes is even costlier.”
  4. “Do you know how much time and money I waste dealing with all these regulations?” rhetorically asks Montgomery Bishop, CEO of Budget Air, an airline so cheap that passengers have to pay extra to have a seat. “We’re talking about metal boxes flying at 20,000 feet in the sky. Of course things are bound to go wrong once in a while! To make things worse my staff are constantly harassed by these government goons. No wonder my pilots are stressed out! The government needs to get off our backs and let us handle things ourselves!”
  5. “I know a perfect solution!” joyously suggests train enthusiast Sun Hackett. “The solution is to ban all airplanes! Not only are they clearly unsafe; they’re loud, ugly, and are a big contributor to greenhouse gases! Surely we can rely on safer transportation, like trains or boats, for travel. They’re much less susceptible to delays, crashes, and only a fraction of a pollutant compared to planes! All we need is more funding for public transit. You call them slow. I call them scenic.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, commemorative mugs remembering last year's Black Friday Crockery Riots are a best seller this year.

2021-01-08 07:30

Black Days for Random Chaos

Annually, retailers in Random Chaos mark down their prices a bit and sell “limited edition” items. This year, the usual frenzy of crazed customers fighting over toasters and flat screen TVs escalated to new levels. Cut-price madness may well have tipped into societal insanity: maybe you should do something to fix the situation.

  1. “Look what those savages did to me!” yells Weena Stark, an aggrieved customer waving a bandaged wrist stump at you. “I was trying to scan my credit card for a blender, and a wacko cut my hand off and stole the blender. The same guy also stuffed my leg into this peg leg. Now mind you, my leg is still in there, but I can’t get the damned thing off! You should ban one day discount events, and force any discount applied to be sustained for at least a week. If not for public safety, then do it in tribute to my hand!”
  2. “That’s insane... A bit like our Low Low Prices!” retorts sales rep Cindy Bullock, aiming an exaggerated wink and a cheeky smile at you. “Look, our sales quintuple during discount events. Spending drives the economy, and this generates the tax that lets you run your government. So, everyone benefits! In fact, you should make it a national holiday so people can get off from work and fight... uh, I mean compete... with each other for new stuff!”
  3. “Or, we could have a slight compromise,” states Herschel Hawkins, head of contractor firm International Retail Security. “The presence of trained security professionals can achieve up to seventy-five percent fewer deaths in-store! You should allow these ‘super sales’, but require stores to hire private security to make sure no one kills each other. That way, the business owners get to make lots of chips, but the public stays safe.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are tied down and forced to watch educational videos on empathy.

2021-01-08 01:30

Empathy a Rare Commodity?

Last week, a jaywalking man was hit by a truck in a busy intersection. He lay there for seventeen hours before a policeman tripped over him and brought him to jail for loitering.

  1. “This is despicable!” yelps one lone protester, desperately trying to get others involved. “How low have we sunk that we care so little for our fellow man? The answer is as plain as the nose on your face. You must create an Empathy Awareness Squad. They would train people on how to be kind to and empathize with one another. Sure, it’ll require some extra taxes, but can you really put a price on kindness? I mean, what if YOU get hit by a truck next time?”
  2. “Good riddance!” scoffs Hamlet Berenstain, a sullen, disgruntled postal worker. “I think we should give the policeman who arrested that freeloader a medal! Mandatory empathy programs? Ha! No amount of touchy-feely ‘training’ is gonna make me empathize with these idiots. This is just nature’s way of weeding out the weak and infirm. In fact, we should cut back what social spoon-feeding programs we’ve got left. Give your good and decent citizens a tax break.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, disability advocates are not amused that they are told to be dependent on Random Chaosians's kindness.

2021-01-07 19:30

Ramping Up the Difficulty

Earlier this week, you were supposed to meet with the first disabled team of explorers to conquer the icy slopes of the Bigtopian tundra. However, your office proved to be inaccessible to the adventurers and the meeting was cancelled. Disability awareness groups are outraged that those with impairments can’t access government buildings, many of which provide them the help and support they need.

  1. “We must put an end to the discrimination against people with disabilities,” declares Zelda Kasher, the spokesperson of the awareness group All Access, through a speech synthesizer. “Many of us face great difficulty in climbing steps, reading text, or listening to auditory sources or conveying messages. The government must improve the accessibility to premises and information so that we are treated fairly and have the ability to contribute to society.”
  2. “It might sound nice to have more ramps and guide dogs, but the real problem isn’t infrastructure, it’s society’s treatment of the intellectually and physically disadvantaged,” observes Danni Reid, a concerned parent. “If people had stopped to open doors, and to help the disabled athletes up the steps, then we wouldn’t need special adaptations to the buildings. Kindness and helpfulness should be taught at school, with kids learning to assist those who need help and to stop bullying them because they’re different. That’s the way to go forward.”
  3. “Hold on a minute! Making modifications to historic government buildings is cultural vandalism and awfully expensive!” objects Ingmar Xiaoping, your rather obsessive Minister of Random Chaosian Heritage. “We can’t destroy centuries’ worth of history and deface the structures with modern architecture just to improve accessibility! I sympathize with these people’s plight, but our culture and history are too important to destroy!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, property subletting is going underground.

2021-01-07 13:30

I’ll Be in My Bunker

With rising world tensions, many people are clamoring for nuclear bunkers.

  1. “We need a communal shelter in each major city for when the inevitable global nuclear war arrives,” declares Ivana Locke, self-proclaimed concrete pouring expert, who is phoning in on her two-hour drive from Gambler City to Random Chaos City. “You spend the money, and you do it right. You make one mistake, Leader, one tiny little mistake, and the whole world comes crashing down around you. It’d also be a worthy public works project, helping the unemployed now and for the foreseeable future.”
  2. “I agree we do need bunkers, but Ms. Locke has not gone far enough,” worries paranoid local Gertie Roosevelt. “You hear about the four-minute warning? That’s how much time we have to get to shelter. Everybody deserves to survive the nuclear apocalypse, not just those who are lucky enough to be close to a communal vault. You should have one shelter for every Random Chaosian home. I know, I know, too expensive - that’s why you make it a building regulation, and force home builders to meet that standard.”
  3. “Why bother with coward-houses when our enemy could be eradicated before they could consider striking us?” asks political hawk Lars Dice, swatting a fly on the wall with a double-handed axe. “No complicated shenanigans either, just a small increase to our nuclear arsenal to make us capable of destroying the very planet we stand upon. Nobody would be that crazy to attack us if we had that!”
  4. “I think I speak for all sane folk when I say we don’t need this rubbish,” offers a passer-by from outside your window. “Nukes are just for posturing - nobody ever uses them! I read that in Brasilistan they got rid of their nuclear deterrents altogether, and I don’t think it ever hurt them. We should give the taxpayer a break by paring back our military, committing to no nukes, and living our lives in pleasure. I’m not paying for an event that may or may not even happen! And if I’m wrong, we’ll all be dead anyway.”
  5. “You know, we could save money by investing in just one super-luxurious fallout shelter,” observes trans-humanist visionary Roberta House, via a video call. “Build one just for the ten thousand or so people that really matter - the politicians and leaders of industry. You can keep a freezer full of sperm and eggs from carefully-picked beautiful and brilliant individuals, to help maintain future genetic diversity. Let the common folk worry about the ramifications of the nuclear winter for themselves. A hundred or so years later, our descendants will emerge. Humanity will be reborn from the brightest, the best, and the wealthiest!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, vats of anabolic steroids are being dumped into the ocean to make Random Chaosian mussels the biggest in The Hatrackia.

2021-01-07 07:30

A Topic of Ethical Import

A recent story in the Random Chaos City Herald showed that massive Random Chaosian demand for Maxtopian jumbo shrimp is driving environmentally damaging practices in Maxtopia, including the rapid clearing of mangrove forests for huge jumbo shrimp farms. In response, Random Chaos’s biggest green lobbying group has launched a campaign demanding that the Random Chaosian government block unsustainable imports exemplified by the oversized Maxtopian seafood.

  1. “This is an outrage!” exclaims environmentalist Harriet Clean, while hastily wiping something that looks suspiciously like cocktail sauce from her mouth. “We’d never tolerate this sort of environmental degradation here; why would we enable it in other countries through trade? We must ban these delectable - er, detestable shrimp imports from Maxtopia, and make sure we are properly assessing the environmental impact of all goods imported into Random Chaos.”
  2. “Random Chaosians wouldn’t have to import these things if more was produced at home,” states Random Chaos’s only organic jumbo shrimp farmer, Ludwig Jones, holding what appears to be a scrawny-looking crayfish. “Cut a few environmental regulations here, throw a few chips at businesses such as mine, and I could grow my little jumbo shrimp farm enormously while lowering the prices for consumers. It’ll still be greener than those barbarians in Maxtopia and you’ll be putting Random Chaosians back to work!”
  3. “Why should we care what’s happening all the way in Maxtopia?” asks one of your aides, Sandra Rabin, while sunning herself on your office’s balcony and eating a shrimp platter. “We can’t solve all the world’s problems, so let’s focus on what matters: keeping Random Chaos beautiful. If anything, we should be outsourcing more of Random Chaos’s most polluting industries.” She then turns up her boombox and gestures at the shrimp. “Want one?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, frequent broken zippers have resulted in safety pins making a fashion comeback.

2021-01-07 01:30

Made to Break

After a hectic work week, you were finally due some time off for a nice Sunday brunch with your family. But as you were waiting for your TurboLux 3000 Toaster to toast your bread, it started frantically buzzing and rattling, finally popping out two slices of bread burnt like charcoal. Worse still, your mother purchased the kitchen appliance for you only 366 days ago, and its warranty expired yesterday.

  1. “Oh, sweetie, I know it is exasperating when an electrical appliance gives up the ghost too soon!” your mum laments, while she pours you tea. “Yesterday our coffee machine broke, too. You know, when I was a young and dazzling girl, everything was made to last for a lifetime. You remember my sewing machine? It was a gift from my sister, and it still works like I bought it yesterday! You should make it so that all products have to have a lifetime warranty, darling. I’m sure manufacturers would do their best to produce durable stuff, then.”
  2. “No! Terrible idea!” sputters your uncle, one of the company directors of TurboLux Household Appliances, spewing out his tea onto his croissant. “If you extend the warranties, people will just break their stuff on purpose to get cutting-edge new devices. I think we would fare far better if you abolished warranty requirements altogether. Why should my company give people free replacements just because they were too lazy or too stupid to read the user manual and ended up breaking their stuff? Present company excepted, of course.”
  3. “The problem is capitalism. Now take a look at this beauty!” exclaims Carlo Max, who claims to be a distant cousin of yours, as he struggles to lift a massive metal box onto the dining table. “My East-Lebatuck-made toaster has been working for three decades now! Obsolescence, be it planned or fashion-based, is a symptom of a throw-away society wriggling in the merciless grip of consumerism. How about you hand over the production of all goods to the State? Without the need for greed, the State will make everything to last.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Ministry of Health has reported a sharp increase in the incidence of delayed menopause.

2021-01-06 19:30

Bloodied but Unbowed

You have come to your office this morning to find that your tea hasn’t been brewed, your meeting schedule hasn’t been laid out, and your plants haven’t been watered. There has been a delay in everything as your assistant, Anna Yates, has been slacking off work today because it is her ‘time of the month.’

  1. “I can’t take it any more, Leader!” wails Anna Yates, plumping down on your chair in her pajamas — then taking a sip from her chamomile tea and rubbing her belly. “For some women like me, periods are too bloody painful to concentrate on work. All female employees should have a right to paid menstrual leave for up to five days every month. Period. This way, instead of writhing in pain in our workplaces with little to no productivity, we can go shop — err, I mean, take a warm, relaxing shower and rest.”
  2. “Oh, cry me a river!” exclaims Mohammed English, your misogynistic Minister of Finance, while rolling his eyes at Anna Yates. “Do you have any idea how much money these ‘menstrual vacations’ will cost our taxpayers? But no, these snivelling moaners find a new thing to whine about every day: they want breastfeeding breaks, employment quotas, and now this! Hey, my mother was a woman too, but she never complained about anything. When she was pregnant with me, she worked on our cotton field for 12 hours a day, even if it was her time of the month! Do away with this sex-based discrimination and abolish all special concessions to women. And tell this whimperer to take a painkiller — then get back to work!”
  3. “How could you even suggest this?” enquires Doug MacDonald, your Minister of Chivalry, with a condescending smile on his face. “I think we are looking at the problem in the wrong way. Has it ever occurred to you that doing office drudgery may actually be too harsh and stressful for the frail bodies of the fair sex? I think there would be no need for menstrual leave if women were strongly encouraged to do easy and stress-free menial jobs, like basket-weaving or bead-threading. What do you think?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, commuters are denied boarding for attempting to bring packed lunches onto trains.

2021-01-06 13:30

Putrid Predicament

A sudden rise in the popularity of stinky foods has hit Random Chaos. Increasing numbers of commuters are ferrying the offensive foodstuffs on public transport, clogging vehicles in an unpleasant stench and repulsing fellow riders.

  1. “They smell absolutely, utterly vile, Leader!” complains Natalia Kirk, a regular commuter. “That bloody overpowering stench of stinky foods like that of durians can persist for several days, rendering enclosed spaces like trains or buses a horrible nightmare for commuters such as myself. You should prohibit all foul foods from being brought onto public transport, and spare our noses from this malodorous, agonizing assault.”
  2. “We haven’t even mentioned the danger that they pose!” adds the obsessive Minister of Public Safety, passing you an informative pamphlet on food safety. “Other putrid foods like mature bries can harbor mold that act as vectors for food-borne diseases, and durians have hazardously sharp spikes that can cause serious injuries. They pose major health risks towards our people that we cannot overlook! In order to prevent a public health disaster, we must banish every single one of these foodstuffs from our nation.”
  3. “This is simply unbelievable!” rages obscure food connoisseur Warwick Rodriguez, while handing out fermented tofu. “I’ll have you know that these redolent foods are a gift from the gods, and dismissing any of them because of their unique aromas is simply childish. Why should the gastronomic cognoscenti be denied such delectable delicacies due to a few overly sensitive neurotics? In fact, I think it is imperative you promote these foods as national dishes and have them served during state dinners.”
  4. “I believe that the ‘joys’ of stinky foods would be better appreciated on the battlefield,” mutters Boris Gambler, the army’s Head Researcher, as he cracks open the husk of a durian with a sinister grin on his face. “It is clear that their potent stenches are simply unparalleled in their power. If we were to extract, intensify, and mass produce each of the repulsive chemical compounds in the foodstuffs that cause this, then we would be able to employ them as chemical weapons against our adversaries! Nobody would stand in our way once we let them rip!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, home education can sometimes be a load of bullocks.

2021-01-06 07:30

How to Examine Your Testees

At the International Conference of Education, head-teachers and education ministers generally have a drink or ten and get a chance to meet their peers from across the world. The conference happens to be in Random Chaos this year and having nothing better to do one night, you decide to attend a mixer. As it happens, the topic of conversation is Standardised Testing...

  1. Dàguó Education Director Hoo Yu Wan Hia, apparently misunderstanding the nature of the social-mixer, has set up a projector upon a platter of hors d’oeuvres and is currently word-for-word reading off PowerPoint slides. “In Dàguó, standardised tests assess student performance throughout education. Centile-scoring streams the students, gives accurate comparison, and identifies the cream of the crop for industry roles. Next slide, please. This is the foundation of economic success, and also why Dàguó children are so much better at maths and science than the lazy and undisciplined children of your nations. You should adopt the Dàguó system. Any questions?”
  2. “Constant testing teaches children only how to pass tests,” interjects Antti Markkanen, a progressive head teacher from the socialistic nation of Skandilund, carefully putting down his drink. “Obsession with competition only makes children equate success with dominance. Use carrot and stick methods, and you just get an ass. Pun intended. When children compete, most are taught only that they are losers. Abandon testing, and teach love of knowledge!”
  3. “So on the one hand we got rote-learning clones, and on the other, liberal hippies!” spits cowboy-hat wearing Jonnie Wain, interrupting his poker game to literally and metaphorically put his cards on the table. “In the United Federation we got a saying: ‘Hey Guvmint! Butt out!’. Let each school be its own business, deciding its own way with no centralized tyranny. Let parents vote with their wallets, and either pick the school they want, or pick no school at all. I was raised on my uncle’s farm; I just learned me how to herd steers from the back of a horse. That’s real life education!”
  4. “Couldn’t we be a bit more moderate, try and take something of all three options?” wonders your Education Minister, trying to escape from the trio of foreign educators closing in on her. “Maybe there’s a Random Chaosian way, with compulsory exam assessments, but not a national test, but a choice of examination boards competing on the free market. And maybe you could have some state schools with part private funding, and some private schools with state regulation, and some structured home schooling involving some time in communal classrooms. That sounds good, doesn’t it? Maybe? Possibly?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, delivery truck companies use hospital parking lots to store 16-wheelers.

2021-01-06 02:00

It’s Our Lot in Life

Random Chaos City General Hospital is facing heavy criticism for towing a cancer patient’s car away for failing to pay the parking fees. Critics claim that the charges are far too high and that the hospital acted cruelly, while the hospital insists that the income source is necessary to help offset costs of operation.

  1. “The RCNHS is meant to give us healthcare free at the point of delivery, and these charges are adding insult to our literal injuries!” complains Chuck Poindexter, a hospital patient seen dragging along an IV bag. “The government must crack down on these greedy hospitals taking advantage of the sick. Ban them from charging people to park their cars! If they’re really that strapped for cash, they can always run a charity drive or something.”
  2. “You people do realize that RCNHS hospitals have limited budgets, right?” asks Ivanka Wells, the Chairwoman of the Random Chaos City General Hospital Trust. “We get thousands of patients and visitors each day that we need to look after, and the fees we collect from parking greatly help us save money for our bonuses... er... the taxpayer. Look, if people want to avoid parking rates, then the government should increase funding to cover the budget shortfall that would create.”
  3. “As always, the private sector has a solution!” exclaims Milhouse Dixon, owner of a ride sharing service. “What if patients and hospital visitors called us and we drove them right to the hospital? That way they won’t have to worry about their cars getting towed. We’ve also been looking to get into the ambulance service, and with some government funding, we could expand our business model across all of Random Chaos! Apply competition and market forces to emergency transportation, and watch those response times fall!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the roar of the Niagara 3000 mega-loo can be heard several blocks away.

2021-01-05 19:30

Bowl Motions

A survey of the plumbing industry has noted that in recent times toilet basin sizes and flush volumes have been on the increase.

  1. “Giant toilets are a giant problem,” declares environmentalist Boris Shatter. “The nation generates a considerable carbon footprint and a great deal of chemical waste to create tap-quality water for your households, then you dump a quarter to a half of it back into the sewers through flushing. We need regulations to set a maximum basin and flush volume, to prevent us being so wasteful with water.”
  2. “Aw come on, I need a powerful flush!” complains generously proportioned food-lover Harriet Creosote. “Look, when you’ve got a Brancaland Steamer coming down the way, you don’t want it sailing in a shallow river. I pay my water bill; I bought my throne! My business is not the government’s business!”
  3. “Up the creek without a paddle? I’ve got a compromise solution,” smiles bright-looking junior minister Luigi Güldenschauer. “You could tax drinking-quality water on the monthly bills, but let people use untreated greywater at a discount. This will give people incentive to use drinking water only for drinking.”
  4. “Big job? Big science has the answer!” enthuses experimental biologist Sarah Middenmarch. “Why not flush a little money in the direction of developing my newest innovation? I call it The Eater. This bio-toilet uses engineered friendly bacteria to efficiently digest human waste, and produces a tank full of methane bio-fuel as a side product. Good for the environment, good for cutting household bills, basically just really good sh...” The noisy flatulence of your junior minister cuts her words short.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has organised a nationwide cull of infected gamblers.

2021-01-05 13:30

Mad Gambler Disease Outbreak!

Tens of thousands of gamblers all over Random Chaos have been found to have contracted the fatal and highly contagious Mad Gambler Disease, destroying livestock and causing widespread panic after evidence that the disease is transmissible to your citizens was released.

  1. “I’m afraid this is terrible news,” says Apu Sato, your Minister of Dreaded Lurgies. “All these animals must be culled at once to prevent contamination of our foodstocks and to stop the disease from spreading to citizens! It’ll be a bit of a blow for the food industries, what with all their livelihood being destroyed, but it’s the only way!”
  2. “We’ve got to look at this in the long term,” says Esma Atwood, a rustic farmer. “How will we farmers survive when we’ve got nothin’ to sell? I’d suggest puttin’ more tax chips into the whatjamacallit... medical research thingy so we can finds a cure, ‘cos if we don’t it’ll just come around again and we’ll all be in the same sticky mess. In the meanwhile, we should just hold the fort if you know what I mean. Import some gamblers from abroad, no-one need know!”
  3. “You call that an answer to short-term problems?” asks Julius Gilbreth, a likewise rustic farmer. “It can take months and months to find a vaccine you know! The meat industry will still take a hit and I jus’ don’t have the resources to see me and me kids through this kind of financial upheaval. I reckon the government folks should go ahead with the culling idea and compensate us farmers for our losses! That’s a lot cheaper than putting all our money into tests that most likely won’t work don’t you think?”
  4. “Wait a minute!” interrupts Paris Meyer, a querimonious taxpayer. “Why do I have to pay a burden because of these pointless animals? I suggest we do nothing, let them die off... or just sell them. I mean, it’s a bit much when the government starts saying what we can or cannot put in our refrigerators isn’t it?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, white strait-jackets are the new orange jumpsuits.

2021-01-05 07:30

You Don’t Have to Be Mad to Kill People... But It Helps

Random Chaos was in shock after a recent mass murder, and shocked again when the suspect pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity, after a privately employed psychiatrist convinced the courts that he had no ability to tell right from wrong. Random Chaosians are deeply divided over the notion of insanity pleas, and many angry citizens are demanding that you step in.

  1. “The only thing that’s insane is that you’re actually considering allowing this!” cries a parent of one of the victims of the attack. “Whether or not this man is insane doesn’t change the fact that my son is gone! This... murderer could have easily accessed psychiatric help and must take responsibility for his actions. He should face a proper jail sentence in a proper jail. All these insanity pleas do is give criminals an opportunity to abuse the system. We must show the scum of Random Chaos that they can’t hide behind so-called ‘pleas’! Justice must prevail!”
  2. “Actually, it is very difficult for the mentally ill to get the help they need in Random Chaos,” reminds the suspect’s attorney after receiving a death glare from the parent. “It is not their fault that they’re suffering and any psychiatrist worth their degree would agree that many don’t have the mental capacity to determine right from wrong. We should be sending these people to mental institutions where they can be healed, not overcrowded prisons!”
  3. “The solution to everything is a compromise,” declares one of your staffers, who claims that working for you has caused him to go insane. “Require everyone accused of a crime to go through vigorous mental health testing to see if they are insane or not. This way, experts decide whether or not someone is insane at the beginning of a trial, leaving little room for errors.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Primitive and the Top 10% for Most Authoritarian.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, few that venture into government archives are ever seen again.

2021-01-05 01:30

Raiders of the Lost Archive

News has reached your ears that a long-lost governmental document - known only as the Directiones Ad Balneo - has been finally discovered by a group of archivists that had adventured deep into the immense Random Chaos City Archives. Not wanting to risk their lives with such spelunking again, the archivists have petitioned the government to properly organise all of its innumerable files and records.

  1. “We almost lost Aldo to the jaws of a great book avalanche!” raves Efthamia Bacon, the archivist who led the expedition. “This whole thing was expensive, dangerous, and exhausting. You have to get your lackeys to go through every document we have and organise them, so that we don’t have to endure something like this again. Your team has to be ruthless and destroy any document that’s obsolete or redundant!” She grabs you tightly, and pulls you towards her. “Please, don’t send me back into that maw of legality and horror.”
  2. “A disorganised library is one with character,” argues Jamil Giono, picking up a discarded copy of a constitutional document. “These assortments of books act as reminders of our nation’s past, and they can act as a blueprint for the future. We have placed these records here over the years to preserve them and use them as bricks in an architectural masterpiece of colossal scale; it would be unwise to recklessly catalogue them in the pursuit of some notion of organisation. Besides, our government is running just fine and we have more important things to worry about.”
  3. “It’s time to move into the digital age!” decries Natalie Mitchell, brandishing a portable hard drive. “We can digitise every document we have, and release all of them for every person in Random Chaos to see! The wondrous power of both man and machine can help us learn from our past texts, and build something new and beautiful.”
  4. “What’s to stop a thief from waltzing into those archives and stealing top-secret documents?” exclaims Waylon Sulu, a prominent member of the Random Chaosian military. “It is clear that all of this bureaucratic faffing about is stifling Random Chaos’s actions. I propose that we transfer all confidential files to the military’s safe and secure hands, and rid ourselves of the other... disposable pieces of paperwork. After all, an efficient nation is one that does not look back into the pitiful past.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the regional delicacy of chocolate bombes is deadlier than an unexploded bomb.

2021-01-04 19:30

Death by Chocolate

Random Chaos City’s latest scandal du jour is a tragic incident in which a 2nd grader with a peanut allergy died after a classmate shared a box of chocolate candies with peanut and caramel fillings. Now some parents are saying that Random Chaosian schools need to do more to protect students with food allergies.

  1. “How could the school allow this?” wails Sandra Taffs, the mother of the girl who died. “It’s totally irresponsible! Students shouldn’t be allowed to bring food from home and cafeterias should only serve food that no one is allergic to.”
  2. “Life is like a box of chocolates,” says renowned sprinter Forrest Gumbo, apparently oblivious to how tone-deaf he sounds. “You never know what you’re gonna get. If you ban peanuts, you’ll get a student who’s allergic to shellfish. If you ban shellfish, you’ll get a student who’s allergic to wheat. You can’t ban it all. If your kid has a food allergy, it’s up to you to make sure they know what’s safe to eat and what’s not.”
  3. “Screw you! You think I don’t talk to my kids?” snaps Howard Taffs, the father of the deceased student. “I’m not the one who gave Barbara that goddamn candy! If you want parents to be able to protect our children, then give us some control! There’s no reason for kids to be eating at school no matter where the food came from. Instead, you should invest in some decent transportation so you can send kids home for meals and let them eat with their family.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young and brooding teens are welcomed with open arms to the Dogwarts School of Strangeness and Sorcery.

2021-01-04 13:30

Any Witch Way Spells Disaster

In remote villages of Western Random Chaos, mobs of angry villagers have taken to lynching women accused of witchcraft. Concerned citizens have come to you for answers.

  1. “Well, someone had to do it!” yelps self-appointed head of one of the border town’s lynch mobs, Edward Salem. “That lady was commitin’ witcheries left and right, turned my nephew into a newt she did! I mean... he got better, but that’s besides the point! The gov’ment needs to let us protect ourselves and rid our peace lovin’ towns of these foul she-devils!”
  2. “No no, that won’t work,” says a tall, dark-haired mysterious stranger walking into your office with a gust of wind stirring his long duster coat and hat. He throws a crossbow onto your desk before continuing, “These simple folk do not have the honed skills to hunt witches or any other devil of the night for that matter. But I am a monster hunter. If you set up a sanctioned guild, then we can properly hunt these necromancers.”
  3. “We’d appreciate it if you would all kindly mind your own business,” chastises Hermione Potter, who is dressed in a long black robe and pointed hat. “Our traditions are centuries old, and it is about time the government stepped in and protected us. You’d do well to build us a proper school away from these barbar— oh honestly Ronald, give me that,” she takes a carved wand from a young red-headed boy, “it’s Lo-go-phil-ia Levi-o-sa, make the ‘phil’ nice and long.”
  4. “Where shall I begin?” coolly starts the head of the local planetarium, Dr. Carl deLawne Dyson. “These people, these simple farmers, they are taking what they don’t understand and they are calling it witchery. This sort of unsubstantiated ignorance must be stamped out. There is no such thing as witches, plain and simple. We need to start working towards a future free from these backwards superstitions at whatever cost.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is suspected of mass disappearing dissidents both at home and abroad.

2021-01-04 07:30

Subversive Shortwaves

Radio Free Random Chaos - operating out of neighboring Bigtopia - has been broadcasting subversive views throughout Random Chaos. Government hard-liners, outraged by the station’s ideology, have demanded that something now be done.

  1. “This cannot stand!” barks Justin Locke, head of the Armed Forces. “Bigtopia has always tried to undermine us, and allowing known rabble-rousers to broadcast their vile propaganda into our nation is just their latest attempt to destabilize our government. Immediate invasion and a blank check for the military would silence this Bigtopian nonsense once and for all.”
  2. “Excessive and far too expensive,” counters Patty Shaft, a professor at the Random Chaos Institute of Communications Engineering. “The solution is not always bombing or occupation. After all, our main targets are their radio stations. A powerful transmitter to jam the frequencies they broadcast on will prevent anyone from listening. It just so happens I have the blueprints for such a device with me. Sure, it won’t be cheap, but it will cost far less than a prolonged military campaign.”
  3. “I think my esteemed colleagues are putting the cart before the horse,” says a shifty character from Overseas Intelligence. “It would be much more effective if there were no dissidents willing to broadcast in the first place. My people are in place; just give the word and we can silence this station within a week. Along with every other unpatriotic muckraker we can track down, of course.”
  4. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” gasps Xanatos Barry, a social policy adviser. “Dissent is an essential part of the political process. How are we to know what we are doing wrong if we don’t listen to our critics? Sure some of them have extreme opinions, but it’s our responsibility to build bridges and understand why they feel so disenfranchised that they felt they had to leave in the first place. I suggest initiating a government-funded study to identify the root of the problem, followed by training for all government employees to ensure none of our population feels this way again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, getting an autograph has become harder than ever.

2021-01-04 01:30

Is the Signature Always Right?

It took approvals for dubious government expenses claims, the surprising discovery of your name endorsing documents you have never seen, and your niece getting away with cutting school before government officials realized your signature had been forged. Now your office is, as usual, full of advisers willing to give their two pens on the issue.

  1. “This is the result of insufficient security checks,” suggests Jadzia Bronte, your Minister of Complicating Things. “If every signature across the nation required a counter-signature, forgery-resistant inks, a DNA test, family history checks, and an authenticity report produced by a staffer of my Ministry, I can ensure such forgeries would become a thing of the past!”
  2. “Did you know that in medieval Maxtopia, anybody caught counterfeiting was boiled to death?” states your brother, carrying a history tome under his arm. “I say, great minds think alike, so why not re-introduce this practice? Nobody who inks straight will dare forge your signature if they knew they’d risk being put to death in atrocious suffering!”
  3. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” whispers your Minister of Shady Things Ming Haskell, clad in an ink-black suit. “Imagine if we hired these counterfeiters and asked them to forge your political opponents’ signatures. The whole concept of consent would be in our... I mean your hands now.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens brought into court for parking violations are never heard from again.

2021-01-03 19:30

Terrified Testimony!

A hung jury and subsequent mistrial was declared yesterday in the case of the murder of Rachel Swanson, the wife of writer and actor Dave Swanson. While the evidence seemed to clearly point to Swanson, the matter was muddled by the fact that he had been writing an exposé of Mendesmetetics, a dubious religious organization that he and his wife had recently left. Now prosecution, defense, and special interests have gathered in your office to loudly debate the ground rules for the retrial.

  1. “The behaviour the defense exhibited in the courtroom was obscene!” harrumphs prosecutor Mack McJoy, pounding his fist on your desk and sending stationery flying. “Instead of presenting a case, this hack of a lawyer simply resorted to fear-mongering about the horrors of Mendesmetetics. Three jurors apparently feigned illness for fear of reprisals from this wackadoo cult and my star witness refused to testify! If we are to maintain the integrity of the legal system, we must crack down on these dubious practices. Force witnesses to testify, make jury evasion a felony, and tighten the restrictions on what is and isn’t admissible in court!”
  2. “You don’t understand,” explains defense attorney Jackie Cochran while stuffing newspaper into a pair of gloves. “Those jurors, along with everyone else in that room, had good reason to be afraid. This sinister cult doesn’t take kindly to those who betray them. I guarantee they have information on everyone who sat in that juror’s box. Representatives of Mendesmetetics were even sitting in the front row of the courtroom, staring down my witnesses! With the kind of resources they have at their disposal, I’m certain that these nutjobs killed Rachel Swanson and framed my client. If you want justice, you have to protect us from the real villains. Give round-the-clock security to witnesses, jurors, and lawyers, or you’ll be responsible for whatever happens!”
  3. A dapper gentleman in a suit who you recognize as the head of your crime prevention task force taps you on the shoulder. “I think we can see the real issue here. Terrified juries? Witness intimidation? Fear of reprisal? This is all an impediment to swift and brut- I mean, fair justice. Simply do away with juries and bar the public and press from courtrooms, and we can make all of these problems disappear.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, from the highest mountain to the deepest cave - one can always count on finding a good cell signal in Random Chaos.

2021-01-03 13:30

Silence Is Golden

During your trip to see the premiere of your sister’s documentary on the Maxtopian Civil War, your viewing of the film was interrupted by glowing phone screens and obnoxious calls. As it turns out, other citizens often cite this as their biggest pet peeve.

  1. “Cinema is an art that requires the viewers’ silence,” begins pretentious movie critic Emily Lopez as she uses her fingers to frame the composition of you at your desk. “If so much as one selfish person draws forth one of those devilish glowing rectangles, the audience as a whole breaks its suspension of disbelief! And, well, it’s rude. I say we ban these devices in movie theaters. Kick the violators out for a start, and maybe fine them for a civil disturbance to get the message across.”
  2. “Why stop at movie theaters?” asks local snob Joseph Shewhart, well known for hosting extravagant parties. “There’s other places where cell phone usage is annoying or rude. In the courthouse, at school, during speeches, or when I’m trying to host a fancy dinner. In fact, Random Chaos ought to have a lesson in good manners. Force all citizens to undergo mandatory etiquette training and teach respectable cell phone usage in schools. Perhaps then we won’t rank just below those boorish Tasmanians in World Travel Magazine.”
  3. “What is with all of you?” questions local teenager and film buff Otohime Beethoven. “Screens can’t possibly be that disruptive. You do know you can adjust the screen brightness on phones, right? Just, like, let people do what they want in the theater. In fact, maybe you should invest in infrastructure so we have better reception all over Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians that report exaggerated crowd sizes for their speeches are dismissed for being delusional.

2021-01-03 07:30

Tilting at Wind Turbines

An unprecedented spectacle unfolded yesterday when Minister of Energy Don Lamancha was attending a conference on alternate energy resources. Lamancha is reported to have attacked a wind turbine with an improvised spear, all the time shouting loudly that it was trying to kill him. It turns out that the minister was suffering from schizophrenia, which he had not previously disclosed for fear of losing his job.

  1. “My behaviour was completely uncalled for,” apologizes Lamancha. “My medication timings were a little mixed up by all the travelling, and I genuinely believed for a moment that the wind turbine was a giant. I assure you, I am still capable of doing my job, and it would be a good thing for this country if you were to show some kindness here. No-one should be discriminated against because of mental illness.”
  2. “He must stand down!” grandiosely demands your Secretary of State Sigmund Narcissus, stepping directly in front of the Energy Minister with clear intent to exclude the man. “It’s fine for mentally weak people to participate in low-level jobs like pizza delivery or drink-bottling, but they have no business being in government. Imagine the danger that we would face if we left cruise missile launch codes with a psychotic individual! Politicians with mental disorders must be given the sack.”
  3. “That doesn’t go far enough!” screams your National Security Advisor, who appears to be wearing a highly-reflective helmet. “How can we be sure that people with mental disorders won’t poison our food or sabotage our infrastructure in a fit of madness? We must bar them completely from all forms of employment. That way-” He stops abruptly and glares suspiciously at a nearby television. “Can we adjourn to another room? I think we’re being spied on.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, science labs across the country languish in cobwebs as the government turns its attentions to spiritual matters.

2021-01-03 01:30

Appointment of a Science Advisor

After the government’s chief science advisor accidentally disintegrated himself in his latest experiment, you have come under pressure to appoint someone new to the position - but the leading candidates to replace him all have different priorities.

  1. “Science is critical to understanding our place in the natural world,” writes biologist Harambe Morgan in his application letter, which is covered in paw-prints and smells faintly of gambler dung. “I believe we need to look more closely at how our actions affect the environment, and if I’m appointed as advisor, I’ll make sure the government takes the long term view to ecological preservation - even if that does mean putting a few public works projects and industry partnerships on hold.”
  2. “Now now, you’re not going to listen to all that tree-hugging nonsense, are you?” cajoles chemist Adama Swallows, introduced to you at a cocktail party thrown by one of your biggest corporate donors. “The government needs to be partnering up with industry, not making things harder for them. If I’m appointed, I’ll make sure the government promotes innovation and invention - and if that means loosening up some of those silly environmental laws, then so be it!”
  3. “Typical: a new vacancy for a government science advisor opens up, and it immediately becomes a boys’ club,” sighs physicist Mary Carr, sporting a rather fetching pink lab coat. “Do you realize that girls outperform boys in science at every grade in school, but that far fewer women end up taking jobs in the sciences than men? Appointing a woman as the nation’s science advisor would be a great first step to improving access to the sciences for everyone - and I’d use the position to lobby for universities and research centres to hire more women, too.”
  4. “Whomever you appoint will just end up leading Random Chaos into further damnation!” rants fundamentalist preacher Doris Howard in one of her sermons, replete with typically alarming - and anatomically explicit - descriptions of what this damnation will actually entail. “It’s time we purged the government of all its heathen influences, and that includes removing anyone who might go around using words like evolution, or entropy, or evidence!” She breaks off to chase after a group of scientists passing by, waving a pitchfork at them.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the police have reaffirmed their tough stance on drugs.

2021-01-02 19:30

Drug Debate Hits the Streets

Tens of thousands of citizens have taken to the streets demanding the right to smoke whatever they want, wherever they want.

  1. “Ever since smoking was banned, I’ve been a gibbering wreck,” laments Sydney Räikkönen, handing you a cup of strange-smelling tea. “You just don’t understand - I need to smoke! And sometimes I need to roll a little bit more than tobacco. It’s not a luxury. In a place as depressing as Random Chaos, we should at least be able to have some escape. Even if it does mean escaping to a world full of dancing badgers, talking mushrooms and luminous colors. So please, allow us a bit more freedom to get high.”
  2. “Things are fine just the way they are,” says Detective Bianca Woolf of the Narcotics Squad. “The laws just need better enforcement - we need harsher punishments, better border controls, more police officers, and some education for youngsters, telling them to just say ‘no’. Do you know how many times I’ve had to bring kids into rehabilitation clinics? Do you know how many kids out there are getting lung cancer? It’s heartbreaking, it really is. We need some more support from the government if we are to reach our goals.”
  3. “Yo mate, c’mon, it’s not just about the crops,” moans a grimy, emaciated man, as he sits slumped on the ground and tugs at your trouser leg. “Some of us like other stuff, ya know, ain’t fair if we can’t hit off that. You gotta decr- decrimi- just make everything OK, yeah? C’mon, I need just one more hit. Just one more. I can handle it man, I CAN HANDLE IT!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, political activists are routinely executed.

2021-01-02 13:30

People Request Not So Much Dictatorship, if That’s All Right

While effusively praising Random Chaos’s leadership and bowing repeatedly, a delegation has humbly requested that the government take a more “modernistic” view in the future.

  1. The High Minister for Finance, who also happens to be your brother, dismisses the claim. “What these people fail to realize is that you know what’s best for them. The alternative is anarchy! I say stick to your course. And execute these wackos for treason.”
  2. “Perhaps the people could be given some more political freedoms,” muses your Chief of Staff, who is your sister. “Is there really such harm in allowing public discussion of ideas? We could even have a real Opposition Party. One that isn’t just full of your puppets, I mean.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, almost all the visible space on TV screens is taken up by advertising.

2021-01-02 07:30

Digital Revolution Requires Re-Evaluation

Advances in television recording devices have brought the topic of sex and violence on late night television back to the table. Interested parties want to share their concerns.

  1. “I’ve had just about enough of this!” fulminates concerned parent Leia Romero, who seems purple with rage. “Our children’s minds are being fed garbage on a daily basis by what they see on TV. Why just the other day I caught my kid watching a DVR recorded from a late-night cartoon where a clown beat a hooker to death with a vodka bottle! We need to stop the sex and violence on TV entirely, and limit the networks to decent family programming during daytime hours.”
  2. “Why should everyone else pay the price for bad parenting?” bellows libertarian and free speech advocate Rory Roll. “This government needs to get out of the business of designating what we can and cannot watch. The free market will adapt to the needs of the buyers, leaving parents to do their jobs and monitor what their kids watch. I paid good money for my TV - let ME choose what I want to see!”
  3. “You folks are missin’ your best bet,” celebrity race car driver Akira Foster whispers in your ear, while wearing a jumpsuit covered in product logos. “Us racers have lead the way towards makin’ product placement the must-have advertising choice. Ain’t no need to ban content they cain’t stand. All you gotta do is hide the action behind a Microcosm computer or hold an Eckie-Ecola in front of the naughty bits, and nobody gets hurt. Them internet fellas done figured out how to throw ad banners in front of the stuff you want to see; just do the same thing on the teevee sets. Everybody wins!”
  4. “You know, this gave me a fantastic idea,” declares one of your advisors, grinning broadly. “So if I got this straight, children will change their behavior according to what they’re exposed to on TV. So what we should do is put subliminal messages about our government in every program on TV during kid’s viewing hours. That way children will stop the violence AND they’ll be more inclined to serve our government when they grow up. GENIUS!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is ravaged by daily union strikes.

2021-01-02 01:30

Tourism Workers Strike!

Workers across the nation have gone out on indefinite strike over what they claim are substandard wages in the Tourism industry.

  1. “We are the backbone of this country, and we demand a fair wage rise!” says union leader Ming Jones. “I don’t think a 20% increase over two years is too much to ask. Unless the government forces employers to give us our due, we’ll shut this whole industry down! Let’s see how well Random Chaos’s economy manages without any Tourism, huh?”
  2. “We pay our employees very generous wages,” says employer representative Stella Rabin. “Especially when you consider that without us, they’d be OUT ON THE STREET. Hear that, you scumbags? OUT ON THE STREET! Anyway, my point is, if you cave in, you make our entire industry uncompetitive. You can’t do that in the global marketplace. It’ll hurt the whole country. The best solution, economically speaking, would be to relax industrial laws and allow us to fire troublemakers on the spot.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the tax department is having withdrawal symptoms.

2021-01-01 19:30

Smokers Cornered

Despite widespread public awareness about the dangers of smoking, the habit still continues among a sizeable portion of the population. Shady looking teenagers, stressed-out office workers, and chatterbox seniors can still be seen puffing away.

  1. “There’s no better way to end this filthy habit once and for all than by hitting smokers where it hurts: no, not their lungs, but their wallets!” reflects Tina Silk, your Minister for Health and Ruining Fun, whilst crunching on a celery stick. “Making ciggies punitively expensive with enforced minimum pricing will make most smokers think twice before they buy their next pack and will have them abandoning this habit before you can say ‘cough’!”
  2. “Um, if I may be so bold as to make a suggestion Leader,” enquires Carmen Bennett, your office cleaner, as she briefly stops polishing your photo frame. “Cigarettes are one of the few pleasures the poorer members of society have. I beg you to find it within your heart to make smokes as inexpensive as possible.”
  3. “By Jove, old sport, I have a smashing plan,” wheezes rotund blue-blood Charles Uppington-Noseworthy. “The government should prohibit cigarettes, while permitting only the more dignified forms of tobacco: cigars, pipes, and snuff - but please - avoid the hideous levies on them. Just think about it: chaps would finally be gentlemen again, and the air would be rich with scents of spice, cedar and carcinogens! As for the ladies - well, they should not partake in smoking; ‘tis not becoming of the fairer sex.”
  4. “This has to be the most disgusting habit ever,” opines ex-smoker Gerald Grossweiner, waving a heavily chewed pencil at you. “Cancer, lung disease, heart disease, financial costs. There is nothing good about smoking, nothing. I’m totally glad I quit and I so don’t follow smokers around to inhale their second-hand fumes. You need to ban all forms of tobacco now! Get that temptation away from me... I mean, for everyone’s health!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, veterans in wheelchairs are left waist-deep in rice paddies to gather grain.

2021-01-01 13:30

The Bottom of the Gun Barrel

It’s harvest season and farms all over Random Chaos are starved of manpower. A sizeable proportion of able-bodied young adults have been conscripted into the army, leaving the agricultural sector unable to find enough temporary workers to pick fruit or work the fields.

  1. “We only have half a dozen employees to work four times that many acres,” moans Jenna Nxumalo, a citrus orchard manager, “and three of them don’t even know how to operate basic machinery. If you could exempt people who have experience working on farms from the draft, our sector will be saved. Remember, an army marches on its stomach, so supporting us will help the military as well.”
  2. “That’s not enough!” exclaims economist Montgomery Turner, marching into your office. “The military consumes resources but produces nothing. As you can see, it’s already causing detriment to productivity, and continuing to support it will eventually result in our entire economic infrastructure collapsing. I insist that you scrap conscription laws before our economy withers and dies!”
  3. “Insubordination!” yells General Clinton, waving a fist in the air in agitation. “How can you suggest that we leave our borders defenceless? There is another available source of manpower that has been overlooked - the disabled and elderly can be made to work. The agricultural sector can put to rest any accusations of ableism or ageism, and we get to maintain our army size.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, students who refuse to pray are expelled from school.

2021-01-01 07:30

Prayer in Public Schools?

In order to save the souls of Random Chaos’s children from eternal damnation, it has been suggested that a daily prayer be made mandatory in schools nationwide.

  1. “Kids are such punks these days,” grumbles Father George W. True, a local minister. “By making sure kids pray to their god at least once a day we instill the religious values that are integral to Random Chaos. It’ll make them better, humbler people.”
  2. “Hey now, if there’s going to be compulsory school prayer then there ought to be an opt-out system,” says Xu Clarke, a concerned parent. “I don’t want my boy to be a part of this collective worship nonsense.”
  3. “I agree that we shouldn’t force them to pray,” says Chuck Jobrani, a teacher. “Such difficult concepts shouldn’t be thrust upon such impressionable minds. But instead of a praying session, these children should be taught about religion in an educative way. School’s supposed to be about learning, not brainwashing.”
  4. “That’s a lily-livered compromise,” says Ivanka Quimby, chairperson of the Atheist Activist Association. “Religion should have no place in our schools. We should pass laws enforcing secularity on all educational establishments.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the dartboard at the Random Chaosian Cancer Research Charity bears a picture of Leader's face.

2021-01-01 01:30

The Immortal Cells of Mrs. Gratwick

Two generations ago, scientists took a biopsy of a tumor from a cancer patient named Elizabeth Gratwick, who died soon after. Without her knowledge or consent, these cells were preserved in the laboratory and proved to be exceptionally stable in replication. As stable cancer cell lines are highly useful for medical research, “ElGr cells” have been sent to and used by scientists all over the world. However, objections are now being raised by Elizabeth’s descendants.

  1. “We thought my poor grandmother’s remains had been buried in accordance with her wishes,” growls Elizabeth’s direct descendant, Catherine Gratwick. “Can’t you let her rest in peace? This is her body that you’re messing with. You can’t just irradiate and poison her; you must ask me first! How would you like it if your family’s remains were exhumed and mutilated? You must never use cells from deceased people without the explicit pre-mortem consent of the patient or their relatives. As for granny - I insist that all remaining samples of her be buried, and that you financially compensate her family for the pain and grief you have caused!”
  2. “No! ElGr cells are a scientific miracle!” cries biologist Marleen Mansbridge, jiggling a beaker full of purplish goop as she waves her arms in exasperation. “These cells have been a breakthrough; not only in testing cures for cancer, but also in understanding how cancer develops and functions! All these years later, these cells keep chugging along, outliving all the others! Who knows, with these cells, we might even one day unlock a path to immortality! Are you going to let bureaucracy get in the way of SCIENCE?”
  3. “This stuff is funny!” giggles your niece, squishing her fingers in the goop. “It’s all warm, gluey, and bouncy! Someone should be turning out this stuff for kids to play with, or as sticky putty to stick posters to walls, or whatever. You’ve got, like, an infinite supply of it, so that’s good economics, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lobbyists are trying to convince government to recategorize most natural disasters as "non-critical naturogenic inconveniences".

2020-12-31 19:30

Flooding the Market

Recent floods devastated low-lying areas, and the affected areas are only just starting to recover. Now, news is emerging that during the disaster many local retailers were found to have significantly elevated prices for basic necessities such as water, blankets, flashlights, and matsutake mushrooms.

  1. “The sheer nerve!” gasps disaster survivor and multimillionaire actor Monica Payne, who is wearing nothing but an old potato sack to elicit sympathy. “After we’ve lost everything, these predators had the nerve to profit from human suffering? These price gougers didn’t care how much they were hurting people, so the government must care. Fix prices in place for the duration of any disaster, and shut down any store that refuses to comply!”
  2. “Fixing prices in place isn’t enough,” argues charity worker Vladimir Ward, pushing aside the disaster victim so he can take center stage. “Retailers can set whatever prices they want throughout the year, but during times of disaster they should be forced to discount basic necessities, for the sake of human kindness. These big companies can easily afford a temporary loss, and this way disaster victims don’t have to choose between bread and batteries.”
  3. “If they don’t like the free market, they shouldn’t be living in Random Chaos!” snaps Mega-Mart CEO Bob Dahl, phoning in from his beach condo in sunny Manamana. “Look, our primary moral and legal responsibility is to our shareholders. Our prices are our own business, but hey, if the government is so desperate to give stuff for free to disaster victims, why don’t you just buy stock from us? We’ll even give you a bulk discount for goods near their expiry date, and that way everyone wins.”
  4. “Power to the People! Potatoes for the Proletariat!” chants pro-communalist speaker Gretel Kringle, whose father is said to own half of Gambler County. “I ask you, why isn’t the government mass-producing and storing long-life foodstuffs, in order to distribute them for free during times of crisis and national emergency?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nobody thinks that the Godfather was bettered by Part 2.

2020-12-31 13:30

Next, Please!

A recent two-part patriotic public information video was produced by the Department of Audiovisual Military National Documents and, as is usual for projects of this sort, went straight to the archives with barely a dozen viewings. However, an observant former movie director has spotted that the second film of the pair technically breaks the previously enacted law banning movie sequels.

  1. “After the Sharknado fiasco, our government’s heavy-handed regulation of cinema essentially destroyed the movie industry,” complains Mikaela Bay, the ex-director, as behind her a spectacular sunset provides a backdrop to the explosive demolition of her bankrupted movie studio. “You’ve created a populace disconnected from global pop culture. Do Luke and Leia ever marry? Do Harry and Draco acknowledge their simmering sexual chemistry? I don’t know! Nobody in Random Chaos knows! Repeal the ban on movie sequels, and we can get back into the modern world.”
  2. “Look, it might be a small restriction on creative freedom, but it is the boundaries of creativity that encourage imagination,” offers Miya Hayaozaki, an independent arthouse animator, whose latest project Pig in a Flying Boat has just been greenlit. “You owe it to Random Chaosian culture to stand by the rules you have created: fire the offending film-maker, destroy all copies of the two-parter, and pay the fines.”
  3. “Mea culpa, I broke the rules,” admits the creator of the offending information video, wringing her hands remorsefully. “But look, rules like these shouldn’t apply to the government, should they? Laws are for the citizen masses, not for the lawmakers. If anyone should be punished, it’s the dissidents who are seeking to undermine government authority with their nit-picking ways. Subversives in the movie-making community need to be monitored, perhaps even brought in to have their loyalties re-examined.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, crocodile roadkill is smeared across the asphalt of the new Formula One track.

2020-12-31 08:00

Grand Prix de Random Chaos?

FeAR, the Federation of Automobile Racing, has suggested to you that Random Chaos would be a great site for a World Championship F1 Grand Prix circuit. The only problem is that you don’t have a racetrack built.

  1. Alexis Lefévre, head of the Grand Prix governing body, suggests the construction of a new top-end racing facility in largely uninhabited swampland in the east of your nation. “It’ll be a boost to tourism and the broader economy in Random Chaos, and it’ll bring this whole dreary swampland area to life!” He stubs out his cigar on a nearby swamp frog, to emphasise his point. “Now, if you have the time, I have some contracts for you to consider with regards to construction, event management, and security firms, all with reputable, established companies and firms that I can vouch for personally...”
  2. “Grand Prix racing is completely unrelated to what happens with road cars,” argues Ruri Hoshino, CEO of Kadai Engineering Automotive Firm Incorporated, “but sports car racing drives forward automotive technology. Say no to the Grand Prix, and instead let the World Sports Prototype Championship hold round-the-clock endurance races at a stadium that we’ll happily foot the bill for. All you need to do is repeal some crazy noise and air pollution laws. Sure, it may not be as glamorous, but it’ll let us show off our wares and will encourage engineering innovation.”
  3. “Why are these petrolheads so obsessed with auto racing anyway?” asks migraine-suffering riding enthusiast Aria Quimby, from the back of a stallion that has just evacuated manure onto the pavement. “It’s just noise, smelly fumes and testosterone! Ban motor racing, and invest that pot of money into equestrianism. It’s a genteel racing event for a civilised society.” Her horse glares at you threateningly, as if to support the argument.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Efficient Economies.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the name of the "Butcher of Bigtopia" adorns shirts across Random Chaos.

2020-12-31 01:30

Balls to All That

Traditionally, clubs in the Football League have been sponsored by such entities as Cheesemongers Unlimited, Chairs ‘n’ Stuff, and Sharp ‘n’ Pointy Things Incorporated. Recently, however, many big-name clubs have struck deals with corporations representing such seedy nations as Althaniq, Blackacre, and the United Federation.

  1. “Hey hey, ho ho, Althaniq has got to go!” shout the ultra fans of Random Chaos City United, a club that is now under Althaniq’s ownership. Their leader, Beverly Watterson, continues through a megaphone: “We are all ordinary football fans and we deserve to have a voice in how our club runs! Greedy interests like Althaniq don’t care about us; they only care about chips, and hiding their grotesque human rights record by using their clubs as PR! For the fairness and equity of our sport, we implore you to enact a policy that allows us fans to own the majority of our club’s shares and voting rights!”
  2. “What are these fair-weather fans talking about?” asks Frank Day, the head of Althaniq Sports Investments. “Don’t they want their team to become the best in Random Chaos and in the Football Association of The Hatrackia? We buy Random Chaos City United all the best players, such as Leonard Messy and Christian Goataldo, yet our fans treat us like crap! Leave the free market in football, and we promise you that the results will make both our nations proud.”
  3. “Hmm... if our enemies want to play this game, I suggest we join them on the pitch!” says your unconventional Minister of Intelligence and Sports. “If Althaniq, Blackacre, and the United Federation own our biggest football clubs to promote their interests, we need to promote our interests and propaganda in their countries by doing the same thing! That way, we can weaken their influence and use it to promote Random Chaosian values instead! They won’t know what hit them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, global anti-terrorist organisations strongly suspect Random Chaos of supplying extremist groups.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Psychotic Dictatorship" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2020-12-30 19:30

What a Waste

Nuclear energy, the source of much of your growing nation’s electricity, has been generating radioactive waste as a by-product. As the shadows cast by the mounting piles of warning-emblazoned concrete casks grow ever longer, a concerned populace is looking to you for a more permanent solution.

  1. “There’s a boring and sensible approach,” suggests corduroy-clad grey-haired engineer Don Santos, rolling out a blueprint in front of you and ignoring the yawns of those attending the presentation. “Deep geologic disposal. My team has determined several sites for the construction of an extremely deep shaft underground to dispose of the nuclear waste. It’s relatively inexpensive, we can mostly guarantee that the waste will never reach the surface, and it will be far safer than our current storage system. Exciting stuff, eh?”
  2. “Let me tell you a story,” says Stanley Leigh, the local representative of protest group Citizens Rejecting Atomic Power. “One day, some bad companies mix up this toxic cocktail that can poison people for thousands or millions of years. Then, they bury it, and think nothing more of it. Then, some kid in ten thousand years winds up a one-eyed mutant cyclops, and has no clue why. Turn off the reactors, buddy, and find a better way. Sure it’s hard, but people like us have to make hard decisions.”
  3. “Once again, Science has the answer!” proclaims physics professor Elaine Armstrong, striking her best heroic pose and pointing symbolically to the distant horizon. “Vitrification! Ion exchange! Synroc! We can separate out the components of the waste, burn off the long-lived stuff in fast reactors, reallocate the plutonium to weapons manufacture, and leave only short-lived waste that lasts merely hundreds of years. This will mean that we will not run out of fuel, and the environment will be spared from contamination. Increased industrial expenses? Yes. Necessary security costs and extensive safety regulations? Yes, sure, whatever. But, awesome Super Science? Triple yes, yes, yes!”
  4. “I feel ashamed to be offering you an even better and easier solution, one that won’t cost you a thing and might even make you a little money,” simpers Snidely Industries CEO Cornelius Davidson Snidely while twirling his handlebar moustache. “Why, this waste could be sold to some very special international clients who would be very discreet about where they bought it from. I just recently sold them a batch of suitcases and plenty of dynamite: your waste products are the last missing ingredient they need. Dirty money from dirty bombs? No... clean profit margins from a clean sale!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dog breeding has been banned in accordance with recent animal experimentation laws.

2020-12-30 13:30

Animal Experimentation Laws Under Scrutiny

Scientists and animal rights activists have once again brought up the debate over animal experimentation to your attention.

  1. “What have those poor, defenceless animals ever done to us?” asks Patty Doe, owner of the East Random Chaos Gambler Sanctuary. “Kidnapping these helpless creatures from their habitat simply to stick probes and needles in them is just barbaric! How would you like it if someone caged you in a lab and conducted tests on you just to find out whether a new product was fit for sale? Experimenting on animals ought to be banned!”
  2. “It is not unethical,” replies Dr. Xanatos Le Chiffre, the chief surgeon at Random Chaos’s largest cancer research clinic. “The unethical thing to do would be to deny the public of the benefit of the great scientific advancements we’re making! If we have to sacrifice some animals in the name of science, healthcare, or slightly prettier eyeliner, then that’s just what we’ve got to do! Think of the lives we could save! All we require is more government support and funding for this worthy cause.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens may now wear shoes while watching television as long as the television is outside and the shoes are rental.

2020-12-30 07:30

You’re Psychotic, Leader

A palace guard had to torture one of your most trusted aides today after hearing her murmur to another advisor that the WA has classified your beloved nation as a psychotic dictatorship. After your brother related the torture in gory detail during a family dinner, the topic of how to improve your image with the WA has come up.

  1. “Let the people have a bit of political freedom,” announces your nephew, whose authoritarianism is tempered only by his strange love for democracy. “The people love you and your tough but fair demeanor! Get the rubber stamp of a democratically free vote and you’ll get to keep the populace in check - and maybe the WA will back off with their ‘psychotic’ talk.”
  2. “The only freedom Random Chaos needs is freedom on the entrepreneurial front,” proposes Carmen Palpatine, a shady Eckie-Ecola executive known for her iron-fisted consumerism, who is currently serving Eckie-Ecolas to your family. “You should focus on promoting big multinational businesses in Random Chaos and slashing the regulation on them. Think about the economic growth that’d come from it, all while you retain your power and keep the populace from running rampant. With a freer economy I’m sure the World Assembly will be open to considering Random Chaos in a different light.”
  3. “We can’t let fickle democratic will run the government or multinationals run the economy, but we should let people run themselves,” suggests your father, who always seems to know what’s best for you. “As long as they aren’t challenging your power, they should be allowed to go wherever they want, do whatever they want, buy whatever they want, heck, even start their own private businesses. Enough so the World Assembly might reconsider, anyway.”
  4. “Don’t listen to those anarchists from the World Assembly,” comments your sister, while simultaneously offering her after-dinner cake to the butler that served it to her. “Just because they can’t see that you’re helping your citizens by giving them structure does not mean that you’re doing anything wrong. You should instead denounce the World Assembly and tell your people you’re only doing what’s right. Perhaps you can prove this by bumping the health care and welfare systems a bit?”
  5. “MWWHAHAHA!” maniacally laughs your brother, who is covered in gambler blood for some reason. “They want to see psychotic? We’ll show them psychotic! Rain down oppression and mayhem on all of your little playthings! Well, except for your family, of course.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ill and injured visitors in Random Chaos have to walk it off until they return home.

2020-12-30 01:30

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Incredibly Sick!

Healthcare in Random Chaos is widely acknowledged as among the best in the world. Hospitals have seen a steady influx of patients from abroad. However, with so much medical tourism, there are claims that this is making it difficult for native Random Chaosians to access their own healthcare system.

  1. “This is outrageous!” screams Randy Fellow, who is camped outside Random Chaos City Public Hospital under a makeshift tent. “I came in for a routine checkup over a week ago, and no one has seen me yet. There are too many foreigners taking up our doctors’ valuable time! We have to ban access to healthcare services for all non-citizens. It’s not our fault their healthcare systems aren’t as good as ours. Realistically, this is the only way to guarantee the Random Chaosian people are getting the healthcare we deserve.”
  2. “Whoa there!” interrupts Dr. Whoopi Marshall, the nation’s leading posterior surgeon. “We have definitely been swamped with foreign patients, but turning them down altogether seems a bit harsh. How about we only accept non-citizens as patients if they have contracted a life-threatening illness or injury while traveling through Random Chaos? That way, we won’t turn away the needy in our own country, but we also won’t be besieged with patients from other nations.”
  3. “Now hold on!” shouts your Secretary of Health as she stumbles in with excitement. “This presents a great opportunity! There’s no question that our healthcare resources are some of the best in the world. Why shouldn’t we use this as leverage to cash in on foreign desperation? We could make a lot of chips by charging steep fees to non-citizens! This way, only those willing to pay can get in, and the extra money will ensure that our hospitals are well-equipped for the influx. It’s a win-win solution! Well, except for the poor foreigners, but you can’t save them all.”
  4. “Where is your compassion?” chides foreign celebrity Colleen Skywalker, who has had extensive cosmetic surgery performed at Random Chaosian hospitals. “You can’t simply shun your foreign patients! Some of these people don’t even have basic medical care in their home countries. You have to grow a heart and understand that people only come to you because you’re the best. I say that you should welcome all visitors to your hospitals, regardless of national status, and treat them as your own. If you have to send more tax funds to healthcare to accomplish this, it’s only right that you do so!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children can sing 'We Are the Champions' but can't spell it.

2020-12-29 19:30

Footing the Bill

Despite spending copious amounts of chips to turn the nation into a Calvinball powerhouse, Random Chaos finished in last place at the very next tournament. Some are now beginning to wonder if this money was well-spent.

  1. “Clearly we haven’t spent enough!” exclaims Marin Watterson, a Calvinball expert who reportedly has the world’s only complete set of time-fracture wickets. “What we need to do is build the newest, state-of-the-art academies in every city. Even successful Calvinball countries like Ausblic will be in awe of them! If we build world-class facilities with pitches for every season, fitness and rehab centres, and the finest Skandilundian-designed saunas, we will finally achieve our dream of Calvinball superiority! Double the funding!”
  2. “So what have we spent this money on?” questions Shigeru Peña, the head coach of the highly successful Chagrin Marauders. “We relaid a few pitches, bought some new equipment and built a couple of training centres. Yet, our players did worse than last time! We need to make sure that any kid who displays any sporting aptitude doesn’t slip through the net. Force all children into mandatory attendance at these training centres. Their educational needs are secondary to our quest for Calvinball glory!”
  3. “Our current crop of so-called ‘world-class’ players has clearly failed, despite all the money we threw at them,” opines Angus Washington, who grimaces every time he hears the official Calvinball song. “Forget about this rabble and instead transfer the funding to the professional development of our youngsters. We can create new youth clubs and leagues, and let’s just forget about all this ‘let’s turn Random Chaos into a Calvinball powerhouse’ nonsense. Encouraging kids to exercise and maintain good health is far more important than pursuing a hopeless dream. If the kids turn out to be world champions years down the line, then that’s just a bonus.”
  4. “Listen,” states your younger brother, the glint in his eye indicating that he has just come up with another harebrained idea. “Everything we’ve tried hasn’t worked so far, so why not enact a program to kidnap all the best players and coaches from around the world? Bring them back to Random Chaos and force them at gunpoint to train and develop our athletes. All our players will then be able to improve their game from the skills and techniques of our kidnapees. Calvinball glory will soon be ours!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children who display even minimal sporting aptitude are immediately assigned a personal trainer.

2020-12-29 13:30

A Sport Retort

Rather unexpectedly, Random Chaos reached the final match of the Calvinball World Cup, but was defeated by heavily-favored Ausblic. Your advisors have started a lively debate on the topic at the next day’s budget meeting.

  1. “I’m as shocked as everyone else!” utters your Minister of Boardgames, Athletics, Leisure, and League Sports, while watching the team’s highlights on her phone. “We had to play defending champions Tasmania, and everyone thought we were going to get killed, but then one of their players stumbled into the Zone of Forfeiture! We might have even had a chance against Ausblic if we hadn’t botched the dance-off round. With a little more funding, we could easily build Random Chaos into a Calvinball powerhouse. Maybe you could divert a bit from the education budget; after all, if you’re making a fortune playing a sport, an education isn’t that important!”
  2. “Look, I was cheering for our team as much as everyone else,” states your Minister of Cost-Cutting and Harsh Realities, using a red pen to cross out large sections from the latest national budget. “But we only got through to the final because Maxtopia’s star player got a violet card in the first quintile and had to wear a blindfold for the rest of the match. Before that, Marche Blanche’s team was penalized ten wickets for being unable to sing their national anthem backwards. Let’s be realistic: our success was just a fluke. I recommend that we slash funding for all of this sporting nonsense and give our citizens a nice tax cut.”
  3. “You know, I’ve heard rumors that host country East Lebatuck only got as far as they did because they slipped hallucinogens into the drinking water of their opponents,” suggests Intelligence Minister Amanda Schmidt while fiddling with prototypes of the latest spy cameras. “Some of the Bigtopian players even claimed to see a talking tiger on the field! If we offered to host one of these sporting spectacles - and then made a few ‘donations’ to the International Calvinball Federation to ensure we were selected - we could have a similar advantage. Just say the word, and I’ll have our research labs start working on an array of undetectable sedatives.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most barbers are also surgeons.

2020-12-29 07:30

Random Chaos’s Next Top Mohel

When celebrity actor Larry Harris underwent a change of faith, he also underwent a late-in-life circumcision. Unfortunately, the individual making the needed cuts made a botch job of it, lopping off a bit of flesh and giving Harris a nasty infection. The celebrity is now using his influence to call into question safety standards around circumcisions.

  1. “Praise be, I don’t regret seeking circumcision,” winces Harris, fresh from the set of his latest movie Cut to the Point. “However, I mistakenly assumed that a priest offering circumcision would have some sort of professional qualifications. It turns out all she had was an old, dog-eared urology manual and a pair of kitchen scissors! We need legislation to make sure qualified surgeons are the only ones allowed to make an incision into any part of the human body, no matter how small.”
  2. “Look, it was a tricky procedure on a difficult individual. Anyone could have misplaced their cut,” grumbles circumcisionist Britt Miller, gesticulating forcefully while holding a pair of scissors. “There wasn’t much size difference from the infants I normally work with, though babies wail and wriggle a lot less. I never claimed to be a doctor, but I have carried out over a hundred circumcisions. If he wants to make a complaint against me personally, I will defend myself, but don’t let this idiot bury centuries of religious practice under a mountain of bureaucracy!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bris parties are all the rage.

2020-12-29 01:30

Saving Your Own Foreskin

Ben Christmas, the fastest amateur swimmer in Random Chaos, recently acknowledged that his parents had him circumcised when he was younger for “aerodynamic purposes”. This has caused considerable debate throughout the Free Land, and people have taken to ambushing you while you’re out for your evening meal.

  1. “This is sick and wrong!” vents trilby-clad protester Ingmar Jekyll, flinging a copy of a news article strategically between you and your meal. “How can people think that mutilating diaper parts is okay? Religions and cults be damned. As you can read in this editorial, the paper’s resident doctor proves beyond doubt that non-necessary circumcision has a host of negative effects. It doesn’t matter that they’re a doctor of journalism and not urology; it’s basically the same thing. Bar emergency medical reasons, you must make circumcision illegal in all circumstances.”
  2. “Oy veh! Don’t get between me, my kid, and our religion!” blusters restaurateur Ariel Goldberg, admonishing the trilby-clad protester and knocking over your glass of water in the process. “This kibitzer has nothing but disdain for our way of life - or the right to privacy! There are many opinion pieces and medical papers on circumcision telling of positive effects and, for me personally, my religion demands it! Look, you’re a mensch, so I know you’ll allow circumcision to continue; and, more importantly, allow parents to decide on circumcision if the bubalas are too young.”
  3. “Hey now, there is room for compromise,” interjects Fumiko Putin, a cosmetic surgeon at a nearby table, as she pockets a butter knife to add to her collection. “You see, we could ban all elective surgical procedures until a certain age, and then let the patients themselves make informed decisions on whether they want these procedures or not. It will take some extra funding to actually teach kids about different surgeries, to be sure, but that should have no negative effects on the population. I hope. Nonetheless, you can’t put a price on informed decisions!”
  4. “You people are all rather annoying,” sighs Tyrion Wiseau, your friend and dinner guest who has had to sit through the preceding debate while trying, at the same time, to eat currywurst. “Leader, do me a favor and teach these disrespectful intruders a lesson in etiquette. Make all body modification illegal. Yes, illegal - under all circumstances, medical need or no. That will show these three for daring to interrupt our lovely evening. On the bright side, it should also disrupt that awful ‘body-mod’ scene that is simply ... distasteful.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, muscular women are banned from competing in sporting competitions.

2020-12-28 19:30

Intersex Athletes Demand Level Playing Field

During the last Random Chaos Athletics Championship, a massive controversy arose following the revelation that double gold medalist Atlanta Johnson possesses both male and female sexual organs, despite being entirely female in external appearance.

  1. “How is this difficult to understand?” questions well-known sports commentator Alexei Vasquez. “There are sports and competitions just for men, and there are sports and competitions just for women; we don’t let men run in a women’s race, so what’s the difference here? And if it’s too difficult to decide whether the athlete is a man or woman, then we shouldn’t let them compete at all! Fair is fair is fair.”
  2. “I think I see a solution to all this,” says Ella Cotchin, your Minister for Solutions, whilst solving the crossword in your morning newspaper. “We should overhaul the entire sport system in Random Chaos so that people compete against each other based on skill, not gender. Sure, it might be expensive but it’d be worth it if we want everyone to be happy.”
  3. “We can’t just stop there!” protests well-known LGBTQQIA activist Jiang Khachaturian. “We should completely overhaul Random Chaos itself to make it less hostile to those like Ms. Johnson! Schools, hospitals, workplaces - they’ll all need to be changed! There should be public toilets catered solely for the intersex too! You can’t put a price on equality!”
  4. “You’re not going to listen to that drivel, I hope?” your bald, heavily tattooed cousin says with a raised eyebrow. “You want to actually give these people recognition? Not only would they bring shame on Random Chaos in international sporting competitions, but they, and other non-conformists, are an insult to our nation. What we must do is banish those unlike me and my friends from Random Chaos; they are only an impediment to the success and dominance of our race - a master race!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader panders to nontraditional families.

2020-12-28 13:30

Children in the Lead?

A recent broadsheet special on the children of other leaders in The Hatrackia has brought attention to the lack of children in your own residence. Spying a public relations opportunity, some of your advisers have begun to suggest that you should consider having a kid or two.

  1. “This is a golden PR opportunity,” exclaims François Nakatomi, representing Moral Minority. “Imagine: you’d be the wise family figure. Think how much the people will love your new baby. You’ll be the epitome of family values leading everyone into domestic bliss. And think of the merchandising! I mean, think of the children.”
  2. Maxford University demographer and suspected eugenicist Leela Thiesen disagrees. “The fact is our nation is overflowing with young ne’er-do-wells. They commit more crimes, are more prone to rudeness, and, worst of all, are least likely to care about your good works, Leader. We have to send the message that we are going to do something about the troublesome demographics, and a good place to start is by you staying childless. And if we really want to crack down on population growth, we need to double down on border security too.”
  3. “Or how about adoption?” schemes Ronald Cheswick, your PR expert. “I could see you with a nice adopted Lilliputian boy and an adopted Maxtopian girl. It would look great in front of the cameras. You could be the most multicultural and tolerant leader in The Hatrackia! And if everyone follows your lead, the orphanages won’t be nearly as dreary!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, protesters are up in arms over new nuclear power stations.

2020-12-28 07:30

Power Problems Need Bright Solution

The oldest power station in Random Chaos suffered a catastrophic failure last night, plunging a third of the power supply grid of Random Chaos City into darkness. There is no debate that it needs to be replaced, but the question is with what?

  1. “The solution is clear,” says environmental activist Bill Yoo. “Wind turbines and solar power stations are the cleanest there are. We must switch power production to forms of renewable energy, which will never run out. The only minor problems are that wind farms will take up a great deal of space and of course we can’t exactly rely on the weather. It isn’t as though we control it. But think of how much healthier people will be without all that pollution!”
  2. “Wind power? Solar collectors? Bah! Have you ever wondered when the least amount of strain is placed on the national grid? WHEN THE SUN IS SHINING!” exclaims Southern Random Chaos Electra official Gillian Falopian. “We need power under our control, and cheaply. Coal has been the cheapest and most abundant power source for ages. We don’t need this airy fairy wind malarky when we have cheap and reliable power available for all. True, pollution will be a bit on the heavy side but I’m sure that’s only a minor problem, with how well funded our health system is!”
  3. “Now the way I see it is that it’s either green, expensive, and sprawling; or compact, polluting and cheap. Wouldn’t it be nice if we had the best of both worlds? Well, we can!” claims fission technician Lee Malik. “Nuclear power is reliable, clean, and although it isn’t cheap, it won’t break the bank. There is a risk of deadly meltdown, but this is relatively small, and the only people who could be against this are anti-nuclear protesters, but what do we care about those tree-hugging hippies?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military spending is on the increase.

2020-12-28 01:30

Military Demands Increased Spending

The Department of Defense has put its case for a substantial increase in funding for the coming financial year.

  1. “These are turbulent times we live in,” says Defense Chief Boris Jackman. “Turbulent and dangerous. And the only sensible response to that, of course, is to build a lot more weapons. Unless we get the funding we need, I can’t promise that we’ll be able to defend Random Chaos’s sovereign borders from rogue nations and foreign powers. Or those leaky boatloads of refugees, for that matter.”
  2. “NO MORE BOMBS,” chant the protestors outside Parliament House, in a repetitious and increasingly annoying appeal. Spokesperson Harriet Popov, speaking through a feedback-afflicted microphone, says, “Random Chaos needs fewer weapons, not more! Make the world a safer place! Disarm now!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parents who refuse to vaccinate their children are given a short jail sentence.

2020-12-27 19:30

A Shot in the Arm

The dreaded Rubellan Measles has made a sudden comeback in Random Chaos. The disease, which once killed millions, was thought to be wiped out after a vaccine was discovered fifty years ago. Medical professionals blame a recent anti-vaccination movement, which has turned immunization into a political football.

  1. “I’m not going to allow my babies to become slaves to Big Pharma!” bemoans parent and prominent anti-vaxxer Kendall Ford. “Did you know that vaccines can cause autism and stunt a child’s development? I can show you several studies that say so! These pharmaceutical companies are even putting nanobots in their vaccines! Nanobots! It is the right of every parent to determine what is best for their children.”
  2. “Please. Those so-called studies are nothing but hokum,” counters your physician, Doctor Peter McCarthy, while checking your heartbeat with a stethoscope. “Vaccines save lives every single day. If it weren’t for vaccines, Rubellan Measles would have killed off half of Random Chaos’s population by now! There is absolutely no correlation between autism and vaccinations. Any scientist or doctor worth their degree will tell you that. If anything, we should make vaccinations mandatory for the health and well-being of Random Chaosians across the nation.” The doctor snaps on a rubber glove. “Now, let’s hurry this up. Cough, please.”
  3. “I agree, but we also need to send a message to these awful anti-vaxxer parents,” states child psychologist Violet Solo. “Not only are these parents putting their children in danger by refusing to vaccinate them, they are putting all of society in danger. Do you really want to have an outbreak of Rubellan Measles in Random Chaos’s schools and daycares? I didn’t think so. I recommend giving these parents a short jail sentence and banning their children from education until they’re vaccinated. Sure, some people will complain about this being a violation of their rights as parents, but surely the health and safety of children trumps those concerns?”
  4. “You know, we wouldn’t have these problems if the population was more scientifically aware,” muses amateur scientist Cho Bowie while pouring a vial of green liquid into a vial of purple liquid. “Movements like these are bred from ignorance and misinformation. If the government took an active role in promoting science and education this problem would go away. You could invest in real scientific studies and programs, make science classes mandatory in schools, and arrest any religious nuts who attempt to disrupt our work. Random Chaos would enter a new Golden Age!” The vials of liquid suddenly explode, covering your office with smoke and an unusually colored foam.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, religious officials are furious after discovering that things made of stone do not burn well at the stake.

2020-12-27 13:30

It’s a Kind of Magic

A shocking archaeological find in one of Random Chaos’s many caverns has led to the discovery of a huge array of pre-Random Chaosian totems, idols, and assorted knickknacks made entirely of stone, many of which gave researchers ‘the heebie-jeebies’.

  1. “This is a fascinating opportunity for the scientific community as a whole!” spouts Tabitha Fils-Aimé, breathlessly running through her brick-thick pile of notes and results. “Our initial tests are already showing a stunning reading of anomalous energy in each and every one of those artifacts! If we could be permitted to, erm, acquire them, this mysterious power source could be the backbone for future Random Chaosian technological advances! Think of the societal possibilities!”
  2. Pushing the scientist aside, your mustachioed military adviser Apu Matsenjwa grips at a manila envelope entitled ‘TOP SECRET’. “That’s all fine and dandy, but what if we used this ‘anomllalus’ energy to power our weapons? These days, everyone’s raring to get bigger and better guns, and we need to make sure ours are bigger and better than everyone else’s! If we get those magic rock thingies, I’m sure my eggheads’ll make something out of it!”
  3. “Hold on a moment!” shouts physicist Ganondorf Feinmann, frantically tying a leaded apron around his waist. “Something feels off about this whole matter, and it’s not a strictly metaphorical sensation. I’m not saying these totems are radioactive, but you’d have to be bongos-level bonkers not to consider it as a rational explanation. For the sake of everyone, please consider immediately transporting this archaeological cache to my laboratory upon excavation. Although careful precautions may slow down the pace of research, my team is one of only a few in the nation with the proper equipment to actually handle this matter safely.”
  4. Amid the din, museum curator Lucina Boothroyd squeezes into your office while clutching her limited-edition copy of ‘Ancient Civilisations for Dummies’. “I think we’re all missing the point here! These are priceless artifacts, hearkening back to the days before Random Chaos was even around! If you don’t have the maturity to leave them where they are, at the very least send them to my museum so other Random Chaosians can actually appreciate what came before them!”
  5. A shallow bowl of apple purée smashes through the window, covering everyone in the room but you. Down on the street, a pious elderly individual paces furiously. “HERESY! WITCHCRAFT! Leader, these totems are an affront to my faith! Why you haven’t already destroyed them for the sake of Random Chaos, I have no idea!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the country has essentially become 1.376 billion nations within a nation.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the country has essentially become 1.382 billion nations within a nation.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the country has essentially become 1.389 billion nations within a nation.

2020-12-27 07:30

Random Chaos Is Never Ever Getting Back Together... Like Ever

After a printing error on the official Random Chaosian map left off the tiny Gambler Peninsula, its sole inhabitant, Mike Ronation, declared independence from Random Chaos. Following his arrest of a mailman who failed to enter the “proper customs”, a group of concerned citizens have asked you to address the threat posed by Mr. Ronation. His protest has already spawned several secessionist movements almost overnight.

  1. “Traitor!” roars Xanatos Kettering, a controversial nationalist politician, before screaming a tirade of obscenities. “This is absolutely ludicrous. We have to send a message to people like this Ronation scumbag! You do not secede from Random Chaos. It’s that simple. For the good of our glorious Free Land, we must invade and bomb Ronation’s home. In fact, once this is all over, we should have our military patrol the streets of this great country to send a message to other terrorists who are thinking of doing the same thing. Sure, some people might call this an invasion of freedom of speech, but for the sake of national unity, we must clamp down on the other ingrates following in his footsteps.”
  2. “That won’t be good for PR,” chimes in your spokesperson, Chris Riker, while drafting your latest speech. “Considering how Mr. Ronation is no longer a part of Random Chaos, he should no longer be entitled to our services. The more humane thing to do would be to ignore him, save for cutting off all essential services like water, electricity, and telecoms. We won’t need to wait long before Mr. Ronation begs us to take him back. We can of course tax the Violet out of him when he returns. That will be much more effective - and cheaper - than sending in the troops. Then the groups he inspired will surely fall back in line!”
  3. “Making him needlessly suffer seems a tad bit extreme,” suggests Mike’s concerned grandmother Daenerys Young. “Sure, I’m a little upset that Mike doesn’t want to be part of our wonderful country and that he tried to snap that mailman’s neck, but you have to look at it from both perspectives. If the government wants to win back Mike and the secessionists he instigated, they could start by allowing greater autonomy to regions that want it. I’m sure that Mikey will gladly return to us if you show a little love and understanding.”
  4. “The government can suck up to Mike as much as it wants, but it won’t change a thing,” rebuffs Jacques Strap, leader of a secessionist movement inspired by Mike Ronation’s protest. “There is no excuse for the government to be treating Mike as a criminal when he has done nothing wrong. The government needs to leave him alone. In fact, the government should allow anyone to separate from Random Chaos, so we can finally be free from the oppressive force of big government.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wheelchair-enabled paratroopers need access ramps to get onto planes but not off them.

2020-12-27 01:30

Armed and Unready

A small countryside skirmish against a score of bandit militiamen ended in a complete catastrophe, despite the deployment of two dozen Random Chaosian battle tanks and one hundred and fifty infantrymen. The Random Chaosian conscripts proved to be no match for their well-trained and motivated enemies. Unsurprisingly, the perceived quality of the nation’s soldiers has come under heavy fire.

  1. “Hang on, which end is it that we point at the bad guys?” asks clueless Private Roosevelt, haplessly staring down the barrel of an assault rifle in genuine confusion. “I give up! Look here, Leader, I’m just not cut out to be a soldier, neither is anyone else in my unit. You have millions of men who couldn’t hit the side of a barn with a battle tank main gun, even if the tank was parked in the barn! Couldn’t you let us prove our pride in our glorious nation by doing some good instead, like tending to the elderly, cleaning up the streets or peeling potatoes?”
  2. “Our military isn’t what it was in the good old days,” comments retired Drill Sergeant Dice. “You should revisit basic drill and training. Concentrate on the fundamentals, like disciplined formation marching to the beat of a drum, standing up straight, keeping your uniform shiny, and having abuse shouted in your left ear.”
  3. “As always, technology has the answer!” announces computer programmer Sancho Fowler, pausing halfway through level 242 of Call of Honor to talk to you. “With the latest targeting computers in our military equipment, even a child couldn’t miss! An interlaced augmented reality overlay and combat AI could tell soldiers in real time squad and enemy locations, ranges, wind speed, optimal weapon selection, tactical movements, inspirational morale boosting messages.... It’s modern warfare!”
  4. “I think your approach is already correct,” wheedles Alexander McCartney, your sycophantic aide-de-camp. “In fact, the only issue we have is that we don’t conscript enough soldiers! With greater numbers, victory would be assured. For starters, I’m sure the elderly and the disabled would be proud to serve our great nation.”
  5. “Or you could go back to having a volunteer army,” mutters Billy-Bob Song, hand-cuffed deserter and sole survivor of the recent massacre. “Look, I didn’t want to be a soldier anyway. I wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of... of... Anyway, ditch the draft.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an inkwell of goats' blood is supplied on school desks across the nation.

2020-12-26 19:30

The Devil’s Playground

In response to the increasing number of faith-based afterschool programs across Random Chaos, a prominent anti-religion organization has proposed Lessons with Lucifer, a tongue-in-cheek program designed to encourage critical thinking. The vociferous backlash comes to a head when you collect your niece from school.

  1. “This is preposterous!” cries parent Jabulani Savage, as he plasters every available surface of your vehicle with My God Loves Me bumper stickers, which he pulls from an apparently bottomless satchel. “The program even says ‘Lucifer’! Do not allow these heretics near our precious darlings. Ensure our children are only exposed to religions that are decent and founded on something real.” He runs out of space to place bumper stickers and starts hanging garlic cloves from your rearview mirror.
  2. “These ideological attitudes are exactly why our program is so necessary,” insists a sharply-dressed man in a black suit and sporting a twisted goatee. “No-one has any problem when these religious nuts force their beliefs on the nation’s children, yet everyone’s up in arms about the name of our program. Lessons with Lucifer is all about teaching kids to have an open mind. It’s not devil-worship. It’s rationalism, to prevent kids growing up like this superstitious wacko. You should set children free to explore alternatives to the kooky bull peddled by their parents. Don’t you believe in freedom of religion, Leader?”
  3. “It’s sad,” mumbles your niece, clambering into your vehicle. “I don’t like seeing all these poor unbelievers hanging around. I know they’re all going to suffer everlasting torment when they die. I just wish that someone who really loved their niece, and had a lot of power, would bravely make sure that everyone followed the one true religion so they would all be safe forever. Or else.”
  4. “There is another option,” whispers a hooded figure as they slither up to your side, offering you a contract on leathery parchment and written in sinister scarlet ink. “Permit me to introduce myself... I’m just a devilishly-handsome guy, who’s raring to be your new Education Minister. I have a lot of bold ideas for reform, at no price to the taxpayer. Well, not in chips, anyway...” Cackling, he flees, leaving behind the contract and an unusually sulphurous smell that you hope is a bad stomach rather than brimstone.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pretending to be prejudiced is a good way to get out of jury duty.

2020-12-26 13:30

Reporting for (Jury) Duty

A Bigtopian defendant standing accused in a high profile murder trial criticised the randomly-selected jury as being biased against him, observing that the twelve included two known anti-immigrant agitators, a man-hating misandrist, a boy he bullied at school, and his estranged father. Concerns have arisen regarding how juries are selected.

  1. “It is possible for random selection to generate biased juries,” states statistician Klaus Hyde, who is about the only person who is actually excited to be called for jury duty. “We need a process to screen out biased prospects from juries, and aim to actively create balanced and fair juries that are representative of the values of the nation as a whole.”
  2. “It’s the patriotic duty of every citizen to participate in juries,” reminds your Justice Minister. “The fact that some people think of creative excuses to get out of it is offensive to say the least. We need to make jury duty mandatory for all citizens, and make the randomized selection the final selection. Picking and choosing jurors is too prone to corruption and legal manipulation, no matter how well-intentioned the selection process may be.”
  3. “Why have juries at all?” questions Judge Rey Poindexter, still clutching her gavel from this morning’s court session. “It’s a proven fact that the majority of cases are already decided by who gets selected rather than by the evidence presented. All jurors have some subconscious bias that a questionnaire won’t catch. All sentencing should be handled by a judge. The random person on the street probably has no idea how the criminal justice system works in Random Chaos, so why not leave it to the professionals?”
  4. “Her Honour Judge Poindexter has a point. All human beings are susceptible to bias more than they realize,” suggests tech enthusiast Zeus Wessex, who famously augmented himself with robotic arms. “How many times has a jury convicted someone who was obviously innocent or vice versa because they were emotionally persuaded by the attorney? On the other hand, computers don’t base their decision on emotions. They make decisions only on logic and cold hard facts. I propose that all courts should be run by automated judging systems that will leave no room for error.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the installation of street lights across remote goat tracks has left citizens bemused.

2020-12-26 07:30

Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me

In an effort to address a budget shortfall, your Minister for Creative Solutions has proposed to cut expenditure by switching off a number of street lights throughout Random Chaos.

  1. Victoria Park, your Minister for Creative Solutions explains their position. “Let’s face facts, in the current economic climate we need to be sensible with our chips. Those street lights don’t run on thin air you know - and what with the cost of electricity soaring, what other choice do we have? We’re not talking about a total blackout across Random Chaos, just switching off the lighting along some of those less important roads and well... perhaps the ones that don’t contribute so much to society.”
  2. A woman in yoga pants pauses stretching to remark: “Excuse me, do you see what I’ve got going on here? I can’t be walking this down unlit streets at night. I can barely do it in the daytime. Keeping the lights on at all times will make Random Chaos feel safe and welcoming for everyone, not just the heavily armed.” She adjusts her gym bag, which clanks.
  3. Wild-eyed, eccentric gentleman Paddy Moore begs your attention whilst enthusiastically polishing his monocle. “This is fantastic news, but doesn’t go far enough - let’s get rid of ALL those blasted monstrosities for good! Do you realise how difficult it is to spot the rotation of Alderaan’s second moon through all that ghastly light pollution? Of course there will be a few wimps who are scared of the dark - but that’s what candles were invented for!”
  4. “You’re looking at this entirely the wrong way, dear Leader,” interjects Cho Vercingetorix from Helios I Energy Corp. “If there’s anything Random Chaos needs, it’s more light, not less! It’s been scientifically proven that more light means a happier, healthier population, reduces crime, and there’s no need to worry about the night shift any more - you can work from dawn until, well, forever!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Maxtopian villagers starve by the time Random Chaosian officials even file the appropriate paperwork needed to help them.

2020-12-26 01:30

Not So Cool Aid?

A review of Random Chaos’s foreign aid commitments in the fourth world recently uncovered that large parts of relief funds have trouble reaching the people truly in need. Excessive bureaucracy in the distribution system and widespread corruption at the receiving end are being flagged as major obstacles.

  1. “This confirms all of my suspicions,” smugly states Kato Knight, Minister for Modest Living and Curtailed Spending, known for his heart of stone. “These fancy-named programs - like that ‘Rural-Urban Sustainability Engagements’ - do nothing but finance the decadent luxuries of tinpot dictators: private submarine strip-clubs and collections of gilded banana hammocks! Cut all foreign aid funding and put that money back in our pockets!”
  2. “That’s painting an extremely one-sided, and state-centric, image of reality,” counters Pete Gorbachev, a hip intern at Maxham Multinational. “If your minister had bothered reading beyond the tabloidy parts of the review, he’d see that some of the programs are actually doing wonders, like the well-known ‘Condensed Renewable Aggregation Production’. You know the common denominator of the successful ones? They’re not run by the government. Instead of mindlessly dropping all your funding, how about turning it all over to us? We’ll completely eliminate the bureaucratic mess you have today, and we’ll publish really tasteful brochures about everything that went well.”
  3. “You do know what ‘NGO’ stands for, right?” queries your trusted civil servant Victoria Morris. “It’s ‘Non-Governable Ordeals’, that’s what it is. I’m sure these... people... have pure hearts, but they’re not going to settle; they’ll have lobbyists out day and night pushing for you to increase their share of our budget. Let me and my colleagues at the Department of Bureaucratic Oversight take over our aid commitments. We’ll ensure proper implementation in no time, and with only a slight overhead.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, students are wary of colorfully decorated new teachers with names like Professor Pipsqueak.

2020-12-25 19:30

Circus Clowns Cause Chaos!

Rather than finding them funny, a recent survey shows that most children are actually afraid of clowns. The public is demanding that you do something to stop these terrifying menaces.

  1. “Kill them! Kill them all! Or... you know, just ban them,” opines noted sociologist Norman Martinez. “Better yet, why not ban all circuses from Random Chaos! Think about it, they’re distracting children from what’s important in life; namely, doing well in school, getting a job and contributing to the economy. That’s what’s important here!”
  2. “Banning clowns is a little extreme, if you ask me,” inputs your Minister for Culture, Tracy Smiley. “I think what we need to do is educate children about what clowns actually do. Tell them they aren’t scary and that what they do is actually beneficial! After all, happy kids are less likely to go down the path of crime, which means less spending goes to the police and more funds can be diverted to somewhere important - like my Department!”
  3. “It’s not always about the kids,” mumbles a red-nosed man in the corner. “Think of us clowns! We have to put up with the kids screaming, and shouting and hurling things at us. How would you feel if you were dressed up like a fool and paraded in front of 8-year-olds! The Government needs to create a program to treat us clowns for depression - you don’t know what it’s like, man. You weren’t there!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kidnapping has become the latest get-rich-quick scheme.

2020-12-25 13:30

Coup d’Etat in Random Chaos!

During a state visit to a foreign nation, revolutionaries took advantage of your absence to seize government buildings, take workers hostage, and demand an end to your ‘tyrannical’ regime.

  1. “We call on our great leader to renounce this corrupt regime and join the revolution!” shouts revolutionary leader Guinan Norris, while holding a knife to the throat of a terrified government minister. “For far too long have we toiled under the corruption and mendacity of the borgwa... bushawzee... rich people! It is time for a reckoning! DISSOLVE THE GOVERNMENT! Let us tear off the shackles of oppression and put an end to this dictatorship of our souls!”
  2. “Our soldiers are ready to storm the building and gun down these interlopers at once,” says your Minister of Defence at an emergency meeting in a secret bunker. “We must demonstrate strength in the face of these traitors and quickly. If we give any leeway to these people they’ll just try to push for more and more power and overthrow us totally. We’ve got to nip this in the bud and direct much more funding toward the military in the future so they never try this again! If we press down hard enough, they’ll never dare to even ask for more freedoms.”
  3. “That’s too dangerous,” says your Commissioner of Police, who also happens to be your cousin. “We could lose hostages that way. We’ve just got to stand proud as the honorable citizens of Random Chaos and negotiate with these people for the safe release of our workers. Don’t take this the wrong way, I think you’re a great leader, but maybe we could give the nation some freedoms in return. They may be asking for total control, but I think you’ll find they’ll make do with a lot less.”
  4. “Hey, that’s just silly,” says Lucas Trump, your personally appointed Minister of the Free Press. “I know a way which means we won’t have to give these hippies their freedoms and also allows us to get our workers back, which is good for your image I might add. Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you peace. If you paid several million chips to the rebels, I’m sure you’ll find them much more co-operative. Remember, it’s better to spend money than spend lives. From a publicity point of view anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's sophisticated talk of revolution within the ever-expanding mining colonies.

2020-12-25 07:30

Welcome to the Party

Party membership applications have never been higher; however, the quality of applicants has never been lower. After nearly one third of new members mistakenly identified a Random Chaosian revolutionary hero as a popular soap opera star, and nearly two thirds thought that dialectics was something found in tea and coffee, various factions within your party have put aside their bitter rivalries to propose solutions.

  1. “Our revolution is in danger,” bellows Roxanne James, Junior Undersecretary for Defence and self-described Party Loyalty Commissar. “Every member, new or old, should attend a five hour theoretical Maxist-Lenyoist seminar and vigorously study the Quotations from Leader. Based on this, they must undergo a compulsory loyalty test. If after all of that they still prove to be disloyal hangers-on, a few years mining salt should change their minds.”
  2. “Well, that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?” questions Alice Pound, leaning well out of the way of the flying spittle. “This serious lack of interest surely shows an underlying frustration with our Party’s monolithic approach. We should open ourselves up to debate and discourse from every tendency, not just the ones that can learn to parrot party slogans. After all, are we not at our best when we are butting heads in perpetual argument?”
  3. “Look on the bright side: Party membership has never been higher,” states ruthless pragmatist Desmond Wickremesinghe. “Does it really matter if the cat is black or white so long as it catches mice? Let’s reward our unwavering supporters with better living accommodation and other... incentives. In exchange, of course, for their undying loyalty to the Party.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, flatulent people are left to die of cancer at the end of hospital waiting lists.

2020-12-25 01:30

Free Credit Reports With Monitoring

After Dàguó implemented a “social credit” system, in which the good and bad deeds of citizens affect a score which determines various rewards and punishments from the government, politicians are pondering the plausibility of using such a system that rates your citizens based on their actions.

  1. “I think having a social credits system is great!” gushes one of your political aides, coming into your office looking distressed. “For example, I would give the cab ride that got me here only 3 stars out of 5. When there are clear incentives and negative consequences for people’s actions, everyone will behave and treat one another better. We can have an information collector in every neighbourhood to see who’s been naughty and nice, and give those with high scores rewards like higher priority in hospital queues.”
  2. “This goes beyond opening doors and saying grace!” barks local philosopher Commodus Harper, barging into your office and slamming the door shut, breaking the doorknob. “People make mistakes all the time! Don’t tell me you’re gonna start punishing those your system deems bad citizens just because they accidentally dumped their rubbish in the street. I’m not saying I accidentally littered... and the information collectors can be bribed! And we should not let the government encroach on our liberties by punishing people for actions that are not crimes. Just forget this idea right now and don’t punish me for breaking your doorknob, okay?”
  3. “Why implement a system that rates your citizens when you can have the citizens rate the government instead?” whispers a mysterious stranger as retro music begins to play. “That way, the old, drab officials in their drab suits can just be fired by you and replaced with more qualified people with more street cred.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos has been greatly criticised for its isolationist policies.

2020-12-24 19:30

A Request for Military Aid

A small nameless nation within your sphere of influence has gone on a genocidal rampage within its own borders, ridding itself of what their Supreme Ruler For All Eternity, Emperor Howard Anderson, refers to as ‘those filthy Bigtopians’. Some escaped refugees are requesting that your government do something to end the slaughter of millions.

  1. “They’re killing everyone!” gasps Barbara Garcia, one of the refugees. “I implore you to please intervene and stop this murder of my people! If Random Chaos has any compassion at all then it must help us! With these madmen out of power we can finally go about rebuilding our nation as a land of justice and freedom!”
  2. “Woah, woah, we can’t just go around being a knight in shining armour for every random hell-hole on this planet,” says Filipe McKinnon, your Minister of Foreign Relations. “Should we send citizens of Random Chaos into war just so we can save a bunch of foreigners? I don’t think so! Now, I’m no xenophobe, but I’ve gotta ask: what’s in it for us? Nothing but the death of our soldiers and criticism from the rest of the region, that’s what. Trouble is we’re getting too much of a reputation for having a big army. So drop some of our military funding and let them fight their own wars. It’s got nothing to do with us.”
  3. “Well, maybe this nation does have something we need, sir,” says Lauren Steele, your Military Advisor, while perusing a giant map of Random Chaos. “We’re fast running out of land and resources here, so why not invade this place, kick out whoever’s in power there, and take over? We’ve got the military power, so why wait? If any of those hippies in the region have somethin’ to say about it, they can say hello to our missile programmes, haha!”
  4. “They have as much right to their own internal politics as we do,” says activist and peacenik Rodrigo Bulsara. “While their actions may be deplorable by our standards, we can’t intervene unless the legitimate government requests it. It’s just an invitation to anarchy on an international scale, and nobody but a few crackpots want that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, record sales of 'child-whacking sticks' have been reported.

2020-12-24 13:30

Spare the Rod, Demand Welfare Activists

The Random Chaos S.P.C.C. has launched a fresh campaign to stop parents from smacking their children. They demand that the government introduce laws to ban this form of ‘corporal punishment’.

  1. Child Psychiatrist, Dr. Charles Sandler, speaks at a press conference on the matter: “Parents and teachers must realise that smacking children increases aggressiveness, lowers their self-esteem, and can cause long-term emotional trauma! How can anybody think that it is anything but child abuse? Parents who resort to smacking their children are obviously unfit to be parents at all! We must ban this horrible practice at once!”
  2. “What are these lunatics on about?!” yells Ingrid Aran, a concerned parent. “Smacking children has been an effective form of punishment since the dawn of mankind! Outlaw it and I guarantee you the next generation will be a disorderly disaster! Children need, nay CRAVE discipline! Sometimes the only language they understand is the cane, and the government has to respect that!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military recruitment numbers are down as citizens object on 'moral grounds'.

2020-12-24 07:30

Conscientious Objectors Want You... To Let Them Abstain

A religious scholar was recently arrested over refusing to serve in Random Chaos’s Armed Services on moral grounds. Small - but very vocal - demonstrations have started over compulsory military service and a citizen’s right to be a conscientious objector.

  1. “Conscription flies in the face of my religion,” declares Basil Le Carré, Grand Poobah of the Order of Maxx. “It clearly states in our holy book that ‘Thou mayest not blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy’. The devout of Random Chaos should have the option to opt out of service. We were put here to bring peace to the world, not destroy it!”
  2. “I can’t believe you are still listening to these spineless liberals!” yells Field Marshal Fleur Santos, setting up a gibbet with noosed rope. “You let these crazy zealots have their way and we’ll find ourselves open to all sorts of threats. Bigtopia would have a field day. Let’s remind these wackos who’s in charge.”
  3. “We hardly need to be so black and white about it,” interrupts Konrad Armstrong, your Churchmaster General. “These people don’t want to kill? It’s against their ‘beliefs’? So we won’t make them. There are plenty of jobs in the military that don’t involve pulling a trigger. If they still object, well, let’s just say there’s no shortage of prison cells.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Devout, Most Ignorant Citizens, and Most Primitive and the Top 10% for Most Authoritarian.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many are asking why the latest naval vessel is named after Saint Bartholomeus the Many Handed.

2020-12-24 01:30

Who Comes Up With This Ship?

It’s a terrible day. Woken early from dreams of joyfully frolicking gamblers, you are dragged to the naming ceremony of the latest Random Chaosian Navy ship. Lashed by more rain than an Albionian could cope with, the sky is the same steely grey as the oversized hulk of metal everyone is making a fuss about, and thanks to the woolen kilt your advisors insisted was “traditional”, the wind is whistling right where you don’t want it to. You thought it couldn’t get any worse, but just as you grasp the ceremonial bottle of bubbly and utter the words, “I hereby name this ship...” you realise you have no idea what the damned thing is to be called.

  1. One glance at Sandra Harman, your Minister for Creative Solutions, tells you she won’t be any help today. For once bereft of ideas, she’s studiously avoiding your gaze by pretending to examine a spot off on the distant horizon. What would get her goat? Ah, of course — a cold, efficient and utterly unimaginative name.
  2. To her right is the perpetually nervous Religious Affairs Minister, Ami O'Leary, fiddling with her prayer beads as she considers her many religious affairs. You can just imagine her reedy, patronising voice telling you to name the ship after a devout godly figure. Of course, there’s some she’d prefer to forget — who was that patron saint of altar boys?
  3. Resolutely staring past your left shoulder is the ever-pompous Rear Admiral Django Vader. What would wipe the smirk off his meaty jowls? Perhaps a dashing, daring name of old, like “Warspite” or “Thundercracker”. But with a twist...
  4. And of course there’s your office intern Kelly Cole, looking smugly right back at you. Of course she knows just what the ship should be called, but all she’s mouthing at you is “Shippy McShipface” — or at least you hope that’s what it is. Oh, to hell with it. Who says you can’t name a ship after yourself?

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens often ask "what has information technology ever done for us?".

2020-12-23 20:00

Carbon Copied

Leading company in genetic modification and bio-mapping, Interstice Laboratories, claims to be on the verge of a major breakthrough in understanding human consciousness. They report that within a few decades they’ll be able to upload a copy of a human mind-state onto a computer databank.

  1. “I wonder if you understand the implications of this technology,” whispers National Science Director Bill ‘Mind-Wizard’ Gibson, looking over the state-funded laboratory’s reports. “Virtual immortality. Sleeving. Backed-up mind-states. All we need is TONS of fundi- I mean, minimal funding. Oh and a license to cut up the brains of vict... uh... volunteers. We’ll not see results for some time, for sure, but the sooner you invest, the sooner we can usher in Reality 2.0.”
  2. “This. Is. ABOMINABLE! EXECRABLE! DETESTABLE!” yells the Minister of the Church of Weird Gaits, as he marches, then tromps, then slithers into your office and rises before you, his face turning the same color as an old peach pit on your desk. “This is a total abandonment of the world that the Great Lumberer created for us! How will we show our gratitude for the greatest gift bestowed on us, our legs, if we can’t use them! Tens of citizens in Random Chaos will be either transferred to a line of 1’s and 0’s and banished from The Lumberer’s Sidewalks, or left behind to die in the ruins of civilization. Shut down this venture! Make it no more, ceased to be, expired, bereft of profit, history!”
  3. “You don’t need to be a Luddite or a religious fanatic to object to transhumanism,” mutters ethicist Sera O’Connor, glancing nervously at the wall clock. “Developing these technologies increases the odds of human self-extinction. We need to be sure that any intelligence that ushers in the next century is wholly human, grounded in human biology and human morality. There is no fate but what we make. What future do you want to create?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the only things Random Chaosians vote on are cutest gambler competitions.

2020-12-23 13:30

Too Few Cooks in the Kitchen

Following the most recent election, it has come to your attention that some politicians ran unopposed. Some ridings still remain without a representative due to an incredible lack of interest. As apathy rises, you have been called to fix what many are calling a “broken system”.

  1. “I’m disappointed that people don’t participate in government,” sighs high school civics teacher Declan Licorish while trying to squeeze past your bodyguards. “We can’t practice democracy if we don’t have a choice to make! Here’s my solution: elected positions should not be filled until there are multiple candidates. Why not funnel some funding towards encouraging people to stand for election? You could pay people a stipend for taking the time out to run for office, and have a pot of money to pay campaigning expenses of those too poor to fund themselves.”
  2. A retinue of burly guards clear out all the citizens from your office as the boisterous mayor of Random Chaos City walks in. “The fact that I have won the last five elections because I was the only candidate means nothing. Actually, it means that the people love me too much to challenge me because I’m the best dang mayor this city’s ever had! Don’t fix the system, Leader, because the system ain’t broken. It ought to be left in the hands of people like ourselves who know how to get things done.”
  3. “Nobody wants to run for office because nobody wants to be in the government,” replies your mother as she tries to make dinner plans with you. “Think about it. When was the last time someone who actually presented a challenge ran against you? When I was raising you and your siblings, I’d settle who got to play with the toys by drawing straws, and I think we can use the same approach. People from all over Random Chaos could be chosen at random to fill a government office for a fixed term. As an added bonus, it would root out the corrupt career politicians and opportunists, since they couldn’t run for office anymore. Sure, these new people aren’t as qualified, but fair’s fair, right?”
  4. “Look at this cat video!” exclaims your easily distracted brother while showing you a video of a kitten being potty trained. “The thing is, Random Chaosians are too dumb to figure out the issues, let alone the right candidate. Do you really think the average Joe cares about the ongoing oil crisis in Maxtopia or increasing tensions with East Lebatuck? All they care about is making sure they have a slice of pizza while watching their shows. Wouldn’t it be easier if you picked the candidates for your Party and screened out the undesirables? The Opposition can of course implement similar rules for their parties. Oh, look, a squirrel!” Your brother runs outside your office and begins to chase a squirrel around a tree.
  5. “Ha ha! The kitty thinks it’s people!” squees your rather shallow niece after picking up her father’s phone. “Isn’t it cute? Way cuter than any of those ugly politicians I was supposed to support last election. It would be so much easier for us if you just did what you liked, and forgot about votes and stuff. With all that time I would save, I could start a vlog!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the words 'private' and 'enterprise' must never appear in the same sentence.

2020-12-23 07:30

A Capital Idea

A crowd of impoverished ex-businessmen have amassed in Random Chaos City, demanding that the government return nationalised industries to private control.

  1. “GREED IS GOOD!” bellows Cortana McKinnon, a famous advocate of capitalism. “The economy is stagnating terribly under government control. Complete privatisation is the only option here. It’s time to give power back to the people! Well, rich people, anyway...”
  2. “This is outrageous!” cries armchair revolutionary Homer Steele. “The government must maintain the principles of equality and socialism that we fought so hard for, and not sell the country to corrupt and greedy corporations. We must eject these shameful capitalists from our great nation at once!”
  3. “Hey, aren’t we all being a little extreme about this?” says noted economist, Michelle Bulsara. “Surely we could just keep the key industries, such as the electricity and water supplies, under government control and lessen the regulations on the others so they could function more independently? That way, the people can’t complain that they are at the mercy of big business, and industries such as retail can function more effectively.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians are often found scavenging bins at night to supplement their income.

2020-12-23 01:30

Derailing the Gravy Train

A national newspaper has uncovered details of a number of politicians’ expenses documents, publishing claims from gold-plated toilet seats to elaborate steak dinners for dogs. Following the publication, the general public is clamoring at your door demanding answers.

  1. “This is the sort of disgraceful behavior we’ve come to expect from our politicians,” bemoans unemployed teacher, Leroy Fox. “Look around you! No one else is living so extravagantly. We need to lower all politicians’ salaries to the poverty line and put the kibosh on these claimed ‘business expenses’ too. Maybe then they’ll understand how real people actually live in Random Chaos.”
  2. “This is quite absurd!” scoffs Ruby McClaine, taking a sip of Bollinger ‘86. “We toil day in and day out keeping this country running, and this is the thanks we get? Newspapers snooping around our personal business, questioning what we need to do our jobs? We incur certain necessary expenses that may look odd when taken out of context - and that’s just what the media is doing! They’re distorting the facts just to boost their ratings. Well, I say their prying eyes have gone too far. We need to outlaw this underhanded ‘reporting’ for the sake of the patriotic values that made this nation great!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the big red machine has ground to a halt.

2020-12-22 19:30

Red Dead Representatives

High-ranking state official Stanislawa Allen recently invested a lot of money into a multi-million chip Tourism company operating out of the United Federation, a notoriously capitalistic and wealthy nation. Varying socialists and revolutionaries are stating that this is a clear example of capitalist corruption within Random Chaos.

  1. “Since when is it a bad thing,” ponders Allen, “to make some business connections?” She pets the spotted feline curling up against her. “When in the Federation, do as the Federals do. It’s in the best interests of Random Chaos to foster camaraderie with our overseas allies. After all, it doesn’t matter if a cat is black or white as long as it catches mice.”
  2. “You, Leader, are too great to allow these bourgeois pigs to corrupt our magnificent socialist nation,” screams your biggest fan, barging into your office uninvited for the third time this week. “Random Chaosians put their trust in you to eliminate all of these enemies of the state and people! You must wield supreme control and oversight of all officials, in all branches, eliminating all who oppose you, your benevolent rule, and your beautiful nation! No one should invest in anything other than your rule.”
  3. “This shows that our state has been deeply corrupted from the inside!” monotonously chant ten students clad in red bandanas who have suddenly run into your office. Their leader continues, “Socialism is about the rule of the workers, the common people, the proletariat! All who have any ties to bourgeois-reactionary groups must be disenfranchised and violently removed from power. We, the Red Guards of Random Chaos, will ensure that every Random Chaosian is armed, revolutionary, and educated enough to understand how capitalist culture has stained even the most revolutionary of states. It is time to commence a Cultural Revolution!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, referenda are banned by law and the Parliament has absolute control of the legislative process.

2020-12-22 13:30

Referenda: Are They Right for Random Chaos?

After the Parliament of Random Chaos recently passed a controversial law that polls have shown to be very unpopular with the public, a group of concerned citizens has called for mandatory referenda for all laws passed before the state.

  1. “We want real democracy, and we want it now!” proclaims Zelda Ford, spokesperson for special interest group ‘Direct Democracy Now!’ “The fact that this latest law went through has proven that voting for a Parliament every four years is obviously not enough. Laws must be passed by the masses - that is the only way we can be sure that the will of the people is truly being enforced! We must have mandatory referenda for ALL new laws.”
  2. “Don’t listen to these demagogues!” implores one of your top advisors, Danni McCarthy. “This is a ridiculous and dangerous idea! Referenda are costly and inefficient, and a direct threat to the fine institution that is our Parliament. What do you think we have the Parliament for anyway? Our citizenry nowadays don’t know what’s good for them. They’re too busy milling around at the mall and buying sneakers WITH LIGHTS IN THEM. More control needs to be given to our qualified, intelligent—and most of all INFORMED—politicians.”
  3. “Referenda are a good idea in principle, but to make them mandatory for each and every law is simply impractical,” states Political Scientist Ingmar Solo. “Representative democracy exists because direct democracy would never work in practice in a large society such as Random Chaos. Just think of all the bureaucracy and expense that would go into it! I suggest that referenda be allowed, but only if a quorum of voters sign a petition requesting one. That should be a nice balance between democracy and practicality.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the bourgeoisie are asked nicely to hand over the means of production.

2020-12-22 07:30

Comrade, Please!

Tensions within the Red Bloc reached new highs when the Premier of the Socialist Republic of Núi Và Sông snubbed you at a recent congress by taking the very last biscuit on the plate. The cause of this bolshy behaviour? Your nation’s lukewarm support of Núi Và Sông’s increasingly combative and provocative rhetoric towards the United Federation following a tit-for-tat trade war.

  1. “Get with the program, Leader, these capitalist pig-dogs are our enemies!” bellows Premier Judas Chi Minh, spraying biscuit crumbs everywhere. “So what if that Paper Gambler possesses one of the largest nuclear arsenals known to man; they’re nothing in the face of sanctions imposed by a unified Red Bloc. Are we spreading international socialism or are we having a tea party?”
  2. “Listen to him go on,” sighs ambassador Palutena Chan of East Lebatuck, handing you a slice of baklava. “Look, the fact is the United Federation won’t go down lightly. Don’t bother with Núi Và Sông’s rhetoric — instead, do what we did. Take a step back from pointless international confrontations, focus on developing socialism in your country and try to maintain economic solidarity solely among your allies. I’m not asking you to completely revise most of your founding ideology, but do consider whether it will be a safer option in the long run.”
  3. “If... if I may make a suggestion?” quavers ambassador Wolfgang Hunt of Skandilund, who has apparently wandered in by accident. “This whole Red Bloc thing is doing nothing more than creating a belligerent group of warmongers. If you’re really interested in looking out for the working classes of the world, why not join us in our pact of nonaligned nations? We work with nations who are sick of getting pushed around by ideological power blocs. Sure, we might not be as cool as the bigger alliances — but we do have dress down Fridays!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an endless multinational bureaucracy connects the Red Bloc.

2020-12-22 01:30

Second World Problems

The ongoing ideological struggle between capitalist and communist nations shows no sign of letting up. At a meeting of ‘second world’ nations, opinions vary on how international socialism can be best achieved. The Party has asked you to put your weight behind one of the more popular approaches.

  1. “We’re surrounded by a hostile camp of capitalist powers,” lectures the borderline paranoid Avery Perez after preemptively surrounding her lectern with concertina wire. “The only logical solution is building a bastion of socialism impervious to any and all foreign aggression. Leader, with closed borders and an ever-increasing military budget, we will finally be safe from imperialist encirclement.”
  2. “Come join the bloc party!” enthuses Hamlet Watson while handing out BBQ to everyone in attendance. “We need to form a Solidarity Pact, committing our nations to mutual defense and strategic cooperation. By sharing administrative functions and industrial investment, we can create a group of communist countries with steadily increasing living standards, and isn’t that what socialism’s all about? Who wants a kebab?”
  3. “We have a duty to publicize the wonders of socialism,” preaches socialist realist Marjorie Dax while coloring in propaganda posters with a red felt-tip pen. “People suffering under the dictatorship of the bourgeoisie need to know that true happiness, by which I mean their class interests, lies with the worldwide proletarian movement. After all, winning the battle of ideas is far more important than getting stuck in another arms race.”
  4. “Hmmm, sorry what? I wasn’t listening,” says a rotund Party member with an expensive watch and the latest media tablet. “Perhaps we can get some sort of compromise between the economic benefits of private industry, alongside our ongoing socialist program. I mean, have you seen some of the cool stuff coming out of those capitalist countries?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, power stations shutting down at night has made bedtime reading tricky.

2020-12-21 19:30

Warning, Fatigue

A recent midnight explosion at the Random Chaosian National Steelworks, which claimed nine lives and injured a dozen more, was found to be due to an easily fixable error. The blocked release valve that was responsible did have an alarm circuit attached to it, which was warning that there was a problem. However, this was overlooked by no less than five safety technicians who all claim not to have noticed the flashing red light. The scale of the industrial disaster that followed this error has led to a government investigation.

  1. “This is about fatigue on the job. I warned my bosses, but nobody listens to me for some reason,” says Floor Technician Norman Mann, in a whiny monotone voice that would be so easy to just tune out. “Shift work, antisocial hours and inadequate length of break times and so on and so forth. Oh, I could go on and on. Dangerous heavy industry should only be allowed to operate during normal daytime hours, with decently long paid breaks and good union representation.”
  2. “No no, the problem here is information overload from warning fatigue,” claims Systems Engineer Tracy Sisko, helpfully turning off your TV set, radio and mobile phone so you can focus on what she is saying. “There are three dozen flashing lights and buzzing alarms on the work station, and that’s basically too many. What we need is a comprehensive review of all workplaces to reduce all this electronic distraction, and mandate that systems be simplified down to just the base essentials.”
  3. “Actually, the problem is the inclusion of systems that are fatiguable,” warns roboticist Ashley Biscuitbarrel. “By which I mean humans. Flesh is fallible - just ask my ex; he knows all about organic elements not being able to rise to the challenge. What you need is government subsidisation of machine systems, to replace the human component wherever possible. Again, just ask my ex.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a child's only Trickster Night scare is the sight of their parents dancing.

2020-12-21 13:30

New Tricks

It’s Trickster Night, a global event made popular in the United Federation but with its roots in ancient religious practices, where children dress up as ghouls and ghosts and play pranks if not given a sweet treat. You are making your way to your front door, when a small child draped in a sheet stops you.

  1. “Twick or tweat, twick or tweat, gimme somefin good to eat,” she lisps, holding up a small bucket already half filled. “If you don’t, I declare, erm... it will be not fair. Wow! You’re that person wiv all the power. My pawents talk about you all the time. They say, ‘Can’t that dum-dum do anyfin wight?’ Listen, I love Twickster Night. It’s my favouwite holiday. Can you give all kids a day off school, so we can make weally good costumes? Then we can show evewyone how fun it is.”
  2. “Shoo, you bothersome brat,” mutters your Uncle Josh, putting one sour lemon drop into her bucket and dragging you inside. “This pranking is what I want to talk about. Children running around, creating mayhem, demanding rewards for no work. What happened to industriousness? To children being neither seen nor heard? Clamp down on this ridiculous imported holiday. It’s harassment to allow your child to demand sweets with menaces. Issue heavy fines to any parent who lets their wretched hellion out of the house on Trickster’s Night.”
  3. “My child, I’m so glad you’re here,” says your mother, entering with a tray and opening the door to place six chocolate bars into the bucket of the little girl who is still crying outside. “I’m tired of putting up with Josh’s nonsense. But I do worry about all those children, wandering alone. Streets can be so unsafe. I say we encourage families and schools to hold Trickster Night costume parties with buffets, toffee apples, gift bags of sweets... dancing, if there’s time. Then, the little ones could safely enjoy their evening.”
  4. “Be not one with the ghouls, lest ye become a ghoul!” howls your niece, stepping forward to deposit a graphically bloody religious tract into the little girl’s bucket. “This Night of Tricks is, itself, a trick. It softens our resistance to evil, encourages us to don the robes and face of the devil, and makes us forget that the mask we wear is what we are! We must ban this demonic day, and the sale of all costumes that let your citizens pretend to be devils, harlots or other evil people. Random Chaos must stand unified, praying together against this evil.”
  5. “Ah, my favourite night of the year, all screams and sweets,” comments your brother, menacing the little girl with a realistic toy axe as he snatches the bucket of candy from her, and slams the door shut in her face. “Delightful japes if someone doesn’t give you enough sweets, or gives you the wrong ones. Nothing makes someone feel more alive than a good scare. Except the lady who collapsed — ah well. Let’s make it a mandatory national holiday for all. No more pretending to be out. Get everyone’s adrenaline pumping with some larks, like neighbours jumping out with chainsaws. Everyone — especially me — would get so many sweets. Talking of which, I reckon you were a little light this year, so...” Grinning, he steps back to reveal your most important papers rendered unreadable by a dozen rotten eggs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, trespassers entering Leader's office are immediately vaporized.

2020-12-21 07:30

Leader, Tear Down This Door!

After countless people barged into your office through the front door, never mind the window, your door has become quite dilapidated. You decided to hold a small meeting on how to fix the problem, and now your office is filled with people holding surprisingly strong opinions regarding such a minor topic.

  1. “Leader, how can you stand working in an office with a door barely attached to its hinges? People are going to think our nation is as broken as this door!” exclaims your secretary, Genghis Santiago, after clearing away today’s new petitions. “You need a brand new door. Oh! How about a rich Marche Noirian Mahogany? It would have beautiful ornamentation filled with national symbolism. Maybe we could replace the drapes while we’re at it. That’s sure to make Random Chaos look great again! Well, at the very least, your office will.”
  2. “I see random people of no importance barging into your office and dumping all of their problems on your desk for you to handle!” shouts your head of security, Malon Armstrong, while slamming the remainder of the office door. “Let me beef up your security here and install a sturdy iron door. Then only people with worthy issues will seek your counsel.”
  3. “That’s too old school!” interjects Tamara Gennaro, your nerdy niece. “Why not install a force field door? It could glow neon blue and look so cool and stuff! Force fields probably aren’t radioactive, right?”
  4. “Why not make yourself a little spending money?” suggests wealthy industrialist Edward Rump as he adjusts his toupee. “You should have a yuuuuuge statue of yourself in front of the door. Random Chaosians insert chips into the statue, and you can judge their worthiness based on how much they pay their respects.”
  5. “Leader, tear down this door!” hollers a random jellybean-eating passerby who seems to have wandered into your office. “If you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for Random Chaos and The Hatrackia, tear down this door!” The interloper is promptly removed by security.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, shoppers have literally had their hands full since plastic bags were banned.

2020-12-21 01:30

Plastic, Plastic Everywhere

An unusual alliance of environmental activists and garbagemen have brought to your attention the increasing glut of plastic bags that have been found littering the streets of Random Chaos’s cities.

  1. “These damn bags are everywhere!” shouts angry refuse collector Tom Alvarez. “They’re in our trees, in our rivers, in our streets, and in our sewer system! Do you know how much extra work we have to do to clean up after slobs who are too lazy to put their trash in a can? Ban these bags completely and fine those stores who refuse to comply! Sure, people may have to remember to bring their own damn bags, but think about the back-breaking labor my fellow garbagemen will avoid! And the environment, of course.”
  2. “If you can’t get rid of the bags, you must change the bags!” exclaims Bill Frederickson, an environmentalist spokesperson wearing a lab coat and a huge grin. “Scientists have developed plastics that break down over time, so it doesn’t matter where they’re dumped. Require that only biodegradable plastic bags can be sold in Random Chaos, and the problem will go away.”
  3. “You’re not really going to listen to this nonsense, are you?” says Gertie McGhee, Director of Plastic Production in East Random Chaos. “Do you know how integral plastic is to our national economy? How much damage it will do to associated industries? Our nation needs less environmental regulation, not more! Just say no to limits on our plastic bags, and while you’re at it loosen up environmental laws in general. We can’t afford to let decadent eco-imperialist ideas get in the way of Random Chaos’s production output.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, motorbike jousters live young and die fast.

2020-12-20 19:30

Jolly Jousting Japes

A motley group of sportsmen, equestrians, and medieval reenactment enthusiasts have petitioned the government to bring back the sport of jousting.

  1. “It’ll be awesome!” exclaims medieval scholar Luigi Gorbachev, pointing to a painting depicting the ancient sport. “Bringing back such a revered part of our past would invigorate our cultural life! That said, we’d need to do it the old-fashioned way — meaning a full commitment to lances, armour, and fine horses. What do you say? Let’s bring the past to life!”
  2. “I think we need to jazz it up a little,” suggests popular daredevil Sarah Knievel. “Instead of jousters using horses and lances, what if they instead play on motorbikes and sports cars? Participants can even use a variety of weapons, such as maces and axes! It’ll be bloody, but we’ll have so much fun!”
  3. “This proposal gave me an interesting thought,” ponders your Treasury Minister Angela Takei, admiring her reflection in a polished shield. “Jousting could very well be a boon for the economy. We could even get the gambling industry in on it: let people place bets on jousting matches while we take a cut of the proceeds. I doubt event coordinators will have any problem filling stadiums with people who’d pay top dollar to experience this real-life, exciting sport!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, vacationers and business travelers are often warned that they may lose the right to vote if they spend too much time overseas.

2020-12-20 13:30

Expats on the Electoral Roll?

As an election looms, a controversy arose when an elderly war veteran who lived in Brancaland for the past thirty years was thrown out of an advance polling station. Other Random Chaosians living abroad are now demanding that they be allowed to vote, prompting angry responses from voters living in Random Chaos.

  1. “We should damn well get a vote!” splutters Al Dlamini, the expat at the heart of the furore, over the phone from his Brancalandian retirement resort. “We are born and bred citizens of Random Chaos and we are entitled to the same basic rights as everyone else, including the right to suffrage. You fascists can’t deny us that! Yeah, okay, so the outcome probably won’t affect me personally, but I have family in Random Chaos City! Maybe I will come back home someday. Maybe.”
  2. “Absolute nonsense,” refutes pawnbroker, Diego Leach, after taking a break from trying to sell your frustrated staffers a defective blender supposedly owned by the former Mayor of Random Chaos City. “These traitors are whining and entitled shysters who chose to leave our great country, but now want a say in how Random Chaos is governed? You can’t just waltz back to the home you abandoned and think you understand what life is like here! Restrict voting to all Random Chaosians who still live in the homeland. Those living abroad can cry into their Manamana tequilas for all I care!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is pouring money into 'Operation Enduring Democracy'.

2020-12-20 07:30

Controversial Coup Causes Commotion

A coup in a neighbouring country has seen a mercenary force led by retired Random Chaosian general Herschel Douglas take charge of the peaceful backwater, purging the opposition and suppressing freedoms. Despite the new leader making a dubious promise to hold elections, the government in exile is demanding that Random Chaos take action.

  1. “THIS IS A DISGRACE,” bellows Brigadier General Melania Lennon, scattering plastic soldiers over the floor. “This traitor must be overthrown! Gather together our forces and sweep the tyrant from power. While we’re at it, Random Chaos could do with some more tanks - you never know when the next coup might be.”
  2. Tarquin Scheer, a junior official, puts down “Diplomacy for Dummies” and pipes up. “The best method of solving problems is talking. Send the new regime a strongly worded letter of protest and encourage them to negotiate. On a similar note, perhaps you could take your spouse out for a meal tonight. You’ve been spending far too much time sorting out this nation’s issues lately.”
  3. Noted realist and tabloid columnist Barack Bacon disagrees. “We should give this new regime a chance. After all, they now control a sizeable economy, and they need weapons - we could offer to recognise the new government if they agreed to buy arms from us. Also, I couldn’t help but notice some protesters outside your office. We wouldn’t want a coup happening here - everyone would feel safer if they were moved on.”
  4. “I don’t see what the problem is,” a voice strangely like your own whispers in your ear. Your twin, standing far too close for comfort, continues, “this has given me a great idea - why not just declare yourself supreme leader of Random Chaos? After all, the people do love you so very much.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is crossing the Rubicon in its levels of corruption.

2020-12-20 01:30

Terms and Conditions Apply?

Pablo Caesar, the current mayor of Random Chaos City, is a prominent and popular member of your party who is wildly adored by Random Chaosians. However, his time in office will soon end, due to the national laws on term limits.

  1. “We love our mayor!” squeals Venus Krauss, an avid fan, eagerly showing off her collection of Caesar-related memorabilia. “I hate to break it to you, but we simply don’t like any of your party’s other candidates. The opposition has fielded much better entrants this time round, and unless you remove term limits entirely, we may have no choice but to pick one of them! Trust us, if we had a choice, we wouldn’t want anyone else as our mayor either.”
  2. “Term limits must remain,” insists Charlotte Romero from Electoral General Oversight, a political watchdog organisation. “They’re absolutely necessary in order to have a functioning democracy. They prevent the entrenchment of power, reduce corruption, and bring fresh blood into politics. In fact, I would argue that term limits should be made even shorter than they are right now. That’s the only way to avoid a plutocracy from forming.”
  3. “The mayor is too well liked!” exclaims Han Brutus, an envious party member who had been eagerly awaiting the expected expiry of the mayor’s term on the 15th of March. “Did you know recent polls place his popularity above your own? In fact, I’ve heard rumours that he’s been quietly gathering support for a leadership challenge! Maybe it’d be best for everyone if we engineered a tragedy - a random street crime where poor Caesar is stabbed to death. The resulting public sympathy would let you sweep a more loyal candidate into power, and justify increased police spending. Why, I’ve got just the person for the job...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lobster tastes best when it is red.

2020-12-19 20:00

To Each According to His Feed

While waiting for a table at the so-called “best restaurant in Random Chaos City”, you are told that the chicken has run out, the soufflé is suffering and the vegetable stock is out of stock. Meanwhile, the head chef has defected to the United Federation and the waiters are too proudly socialist to be servile. Despite all this, there’s such a mismatch of supply and demand for restaurants that the proletariat have to wait three months to book a table.

  1. “Face facts, communism and fancy restaurants are ideologically incompatible,” asserts waiter Attila Ripley, spitting in a glass, then giving it a polish with a dirty rag. “You need food that reflects our great nation. This, for example, is ‘jellyfish with binoculars’, a dish from the revolution.” He drops a plate in front of you of gelatin chicken and two large shot glasses of illegally brewed vodka. “Restaurants should return to honest proletarian food, for the noble worker. No menus, one dish only, but served with two great things: alcohol and community. And yes, Leader, I’m aware you’ve banned alcohol. An honest error, I presume?”
  2. “Drinking till your taste buds go numb is not a solution, comrade,” lectures rock farmer Fatima Zhimo, dragging in a large iron cauldron with a heavy stone rolling around the bottom of it. “The communalist answer here is Proletariat Gumbo — a dish by the people, for the people! Have every diner bring something to add to the restaurant’s cooking pot, and in exchange they get a nice bowl of tasty stew. A pocket’s worth of pepper. Grated cheese for the greater good. An onion for everyone. A stake in the people’s steak!”
  3. “Quality service industries can exist in planned economies,” insists Minister for the People’s Palate Khethelo Fernandez, frowning as he adds a pinch of paprika to the empty cauldron. “We just need to sort out the logistics chains, dedicate state resources to retraining farmers and factory workers into being chefs and waiters, convert high-end weapon factories into haute cuisine restaurants and create a fair system of meal ticket distribution. You say petty bourgeoisie, I say tasty bourguignon. What is the point of state control of wealth if we don’t use it to create the good things in life?”
  4. “Or you could invite the experts in,” says entrepreneur Rebecca Martinez, strolling into your office uninvited, and setting up her burger cart in the corner. “Just say the word, and we’ll have fine diners built all across your nation. Not just for burger lovers either; there’ll also be pizza parlours, fried chicken huts, dealers in doughnut-dunking... Just open up a little bit to capitalist free enterprise, and we can have ourselves a feast!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is rumoured that Leader uses a magic 8-ball to make policy decisions.

2020-12-19 13:30

Tie Fighters

The national election is over and election officials are painstakingly counting every vote. The results are expected to be close and one electoral district, Gambler Valley, has already seen a tie. The incumbent, cabinet minister Jennifer Nike and her challenger, Violet Utopia each amassed exactly the same number of votes. The candidates have already begun fighting, both with each other and with election officials at the Electoral Commission of Random Chaos, prompting the first major debate of the new political session.

  1. “Leader, as the incumbent for Gambler Valley I believe I have the right to represent it again,” demands Mrs. Nike after arguing with a nearby election official over whether an ‘X’ or a check-mark constitutes a spoiled ballot. “Precedent should always be given to maintaining the status quo, and officials should not be deposed or replaced except by a two-thirds majority. That’ll give us some political stability, and give you and me a chance to get things done.”
  2. “Leader, I demand a re-vote!” exclaims the increasingly paranoid Violet as she meticulously reviews paragraph forty, subsection two of the Election Code, which deals with re-votes. “We all know how corrupt this government is. I swear your goons have been stalking me! We need to hold a new election for the district. If the results are within 10% of a draw, then we’ll keep on holding re-votes until I, uh, someone wins!”
  3. “As always Leader, I have the perfect solution!” declares your gambling addict brother who makes life decisions by the roll of the dice. “Why not have tie votes determined by a coin toss? It’s simple, fun, and doesn’t show any favoritism. We could bet on the outcomes and even apply the same principle to the legislature!” He then takes your prized antique ancient golden Maxtopian coin and flips it. “Fifty chips on tails!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a decrease in wailing and gnashing of teeth at astronomical events is reducing demand for dentistry.

2020-12-19 07:30

Total Eclipse of the Brain

Earlier today, a mysterious bearded stranger announced himself in the centre of Random Chaos City. He drew a crowd by telling of his ability to block out the sun, demanding that everyone hand over all their gold or face the consequences. A few moments later, the sun disappeared! Panicking, those gathered gave him their jewellery, watches and even the gold fillings from their teeth.

  1. “Behold my miracles,” states the stranger. “Just as I foretold, the sun was blocked out for a full three minutes and did not return until I commanded it to shine again. You should recognise a messiah when you see one! Install me as your Minister for Sun Protection, and give me a budget for sun worship rituals.”
  2. “He’s not a messiah; he’s a very naughty boy!” lectures peripatetic pedagogue Miss Perspicacia Tick. “For goodness sake, hasn’t anyone heard of a solar eclipse? Honestly, this nation has some of the dimmest people I’ve ever had the misfortune of trying to teach. You should put funding in place for every school to have telescopes and accredited science textbooks. And yes, I would love to run your new Science Academy.”
  3. “Minister for Sun Protection! Science academies! What utter nonsense!” declares sceptical police officer Don Nutt. “Con artists bug me more than murderers! Just let me take both these swindlers to the station, and I’m sure they’ll confess to everything after a damned good beating!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, flight attendants rip down curtains with revolutionary fervor.

2020-12-19 01:30

First-Class Warfare

A video surreptitiously filmed in the First Class cabin of government-owned Air Random Chaos has been leaked to the media. This clandestine footage shows a government official eating truffles while making unsavory comments regarding the supposed poverty and personal hygiene of passengers flying Economy Class.

  1. “Those insults are an absolute disgrace to the socialist ideals of Random Chaos,” sneers electrician Nyota Guterres, a passenger on the flight in question. “Having all us Random Chaosians divided, even just for air travel, only ends up hurting what we all fought so hard for in the Revolution. Sure, it starts with petty insults today, but it’ll only escalate from here. After firing that official, you must make it your mission to tear down the walls of oppression once again. Leader, I call upon you to unite all airline passengers into a single People’s Class!”
  2. “Come on, it was a joke!” stammers William Navratilova, the bureaucrat responsible for the comment. “I wouldn’t have said anything if I had known these people can’t take even harmless banter. For Violet’s sake, someone threw fancy cheese at me on the way here, the smelly kind! I’m no class traitor — I work hard and mostly pay my taxes, just like everyone else! If these people want to feel some more equity in the air, they can save their chips for a better ticket like the rest of us. Less complaining and more working sounds like a socialist ideal too, if you ask me!”
  3. “Perhaps a compromise is in order,” chimes your Minister of Air Travel Caesar Thompson, playing with a miniature jet. “Completely restructuring our airline system to a single travel class would be prohibitively expensive with little practical benefit. But the class divisions we have now do seem counter to our central planning objectives. I would suggest introducing a raffle system. Make all ticket prices a flat fee, and simply assign the seating at random. That way we maintain the spirit of equality and fairness, without any major new expenses. Sure, some people will still be flying high while the rest are cramped together — but at least now there’s no one to point fingers at.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, going on a diet invalidates your passport.

2020-12-18 19:30

Bi-NO-Metric?

After a record number of Random Chaosian passport thefts over the past year, there have been proposals to include biometric data on passports.

  1. “Biometric passports are a great idea,” says technological advocate Natalie Holt, forcing a DNA-test swab into your mouth. “They could contain iris recognition, body maps and other data, rendering stolen passports useless. Plus, the data could be useful for other purposes, like solving crimes or census work. Passports would need to be renewed more frequently to keep them up to date, but you could charge at a small profit, and actually make money from this.”
  2. “Before blissfully and benignly blundering into breaches bypassing basic rights, beware!” cries masked libertarian-anarchist ‘B’. “Begone to this balderdash! Ban biometric background bata! Uh... I mean data.”
  3. “Typical big government, attacking the free market economy,” interjects novelty straw man factory manager Waylon Pence. “Isn’t it time you put Random Chaos first, instead of allowing the continuing brain drain of skilled workers from our nation? Void the whole passport and travel system, keeping foreigners out and Random Chaosians in, and we’ll all surely prosper!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cinemas play art-house movies to ever-shrinking audiences as film critics rule the industry.

2020-12-18 13:30

Jumping the Sharknado

After another movie season dominated by sequels, remakes and spin-offs, cinema buffs have come to your office begging for action.

  1. “What happened to the classics of days gone by?” rhetorically questions renowned film critic Robert Sherbert. “The Random Chaosian movie industry used to be known for such masterpieces as ‘The Modfather: Part One’, ‘A Clockwork Violet’, and ‘Once Upon A Time In The West Pacific’, not the drivel they’re putting out these days. If studios want to release films in Random Chaos they should give us something original.”
  2. “I didn’t become a director to make films like ‘Rise Of The Planet Of The Gambler Revisited’,” gripes Gene Merkel. “But it’s all the studios will sanction. It’s such an expensive business making movies, and given the risks it’s no wonder we play it safe. Perhaps if the government were to underwrite our projects, I’d finally get a chance to finish ‘Heaven’s Door’.”
  3. “Haha!” chortles Ed Stone, while watching ‘Mad Max vs. Jar Jar Binks 2: The Unrated Edition’ on his smartphone. Shovelling another handful of popcorn into his mouth, he turns to interject, “Oh my god, this is the best part, guys. Will you keep quiet back there?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sports fans complain that cricket tests now last an unbearable ten days.

2020-12-18 07:30

She’s a Keeper

A recent top division women’s football match set the lowest all-time attendance record of just five people.

  1. “Women’s football is losing the federation a lot of money,” sighs Random Chaosian Football Federation president Seth Blather as he polishes his pricey Spinex watch. “It’s a catch-22. No one wants to watch women’s football because it is lower quality, but we can’t invest in player development without a paying audience. The whole industry will collapse without government funding. We’ll use the money to develop grassroots sport, hire professional managers, and fund executive team incentives every time we meet ambitious targets such as doubling attendance in women’s matches. What were the attendance numbers again?”
  2. “The government should discourage girls playing boy sports and the other way around!” suggests an acne-ravaged teenager, who has enough oil on his face to justify an invasion from the United Federation. “For example, football and gamblerball are for men while beach volleyball and foxy boxing are for women. After all, nobody’s going to pay to watch tomboys playing a man’s game or some effeminate blokes throwing around a netball like an idiot.”
  3. “Why don’t we force professional sporting leagues to schedule men’s and women’s doubleheaders for every match?” proposes your Minister of Alternative Solutions, who is scrubbing the office toilet with a sponge attached to a drill after she used your toilet brush as a replacement for a missing door stop. “That way, we’ll fix the attendance problem, men and women can split the revenue equally, and sports fans get double the action! What could go wrong?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens and the Top 10% for Largest Gambling Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, conversion therapy coupons are a popular present for coming of age ceremonies.

2020-12-18 01:30

You Are Feeling Very Very Sleepy and Not at All Gay

A controversial new health center has opened in Random Chaos City, offering what it terms “spiritual counseling for young people confused about sex and gender”. Critics charge that its practices amount to conversion therapy: trying to “cure” homosexuality by pressuring vulnerable teenagers.

  1. “Homosexuality is not something that needs to be ‘cured’, nor is it a choice!” fumes gay rights activist Ariel Ambrose while burning a feather boa in protest. “We have fought so hard to be recognized as people with the same rights as everyone else, and now we have these quacks taking advantage of vulnerable young people with their religiously-inspired bigotry! Conversion therapy needs to be banned in Random Chaos and our rights protected!”
  2. “No one is taking advantage of anyone,” counters therapist Elmo Galavan, a self-declared gay conversion success story, giving it to you straight. “We simply offer a service to families requesting our intervention. Everything is completely voluntary and above board. Don’t ban legitimate medical procedures just because you can’t accept that sexual orientation is a choice! Some of these young people come to us in such a state of misery and confusion, and we offer them solace and comfort. We’re doing the Almighty’s work, after all.”
  3. “Compromise, compromise, compromise!” chants your Minister of Compromises and Trust Falls while organizing the next retreat for your cabinet. “If someone agrees to undergo so-called conversion therapy, then it’s no business of the state to interfere in that. However, it should only be available to consenting adults. We also shouldn’t allow parents to force their children to undergo these often humiliating therapies. So let’s keep the centers operating, but only for adults who want the services.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the eerie remains of the final shuttle mission orbit in silence as a sober reminder of the abandoned space program.

2020-12-17 19:30

Random Chaos City, We Have a Problem

Early this morning, the Space Shuttle Maxcelsior suffered serious damage from an explosion of unknown causes. The Random Chaosian Aeronautics and Space Administration is divided as to what to do.

  1. “We’re going to take a hit on this no matter what,” your Press Secretary moans morosely. “The more news cycles this one takes up, the worse we’re going to look. Tell RCASA to get our boys back on the ground NOW. They’re going to whine about pushing safety margins to the limit, but there’s always going to be a risk! Those space cowboys knew that when they signed on. We’re simply out of options, Leader.”
  2. “We most certainly are not out of options,” counters the mission’s Flight Director, Elmo Clason. “We have no idea how much damage that explosion caused. There’s a very good chance it blew right through the heat shield. If that happened, and they try to come back without fixing it, they’ll be toast. I know for a fact that the military has been working on a quick-launch low-Earth orbiter. If we refit it as a rescue vehicle and launch now, we can have them down safely by the weekend.”
  3. “Are you out of your mind!?” screams Major General Kimberly Johannsen while taking a swing at the Flight Director. “That spacecraft is top secret. Want me to slow it down for you? Top. Secret. You want to use it in a high-profile, never before done space rescue? Why don’t we mail its damn blueprints to all our enemies! Leader, it is imperative that we keep that craft a secret at all costs. God knows what the Bigtopians would do with it. As for the astronauts, let them find their own ride home. We’re not the only country with a space program you know.”
  4. “You reap what you sow,” chastises Reverend Ranil Quimby. “Tell me, what happened when the people of Babel tried to build a tower to God? He destroyed it and punished them. This shuttle is simply a modern day Tower of Babel in spades. You mocked God with your pride, tried to defile his celestial kingdom with your sinful machines, and now you will pay the price. Forget these lost souls, abandon the space program and repent your sins.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, human resources employees have time for hobbies as harassment is designated "high praise".

2020-12-17 14:00

J’Accuse!

Your Finance Minister is facing allegations of sexual misconduct from multiple women, everything from inappropriate comments to assault. Although he firmly denies the allegations, there have been calls from across the political spectrum for him to resign. He is the latest powerful figure implicated by the growing MeAsWell movement, which encourages victims to speak out against their abusers.

  1. “This is a witch hunt!” complains your Finance Minister, who now sits alone during lunchtime. “This is all hearsay and a political vendetta designed to take me down! Sure, I’ve had a little office flirtation and I may have told an inappropriate joke or two, but who hasn’t? This MeAsWell thing is getting ridiculous. Mere allegations have ruined so many careers. The government must stop these vindictive women spreading untested allegations publically, and punish their dishonesty when no conclusive proof is found.”
  2. “I agree, old chap, and we must instill some of the traditional values that we’ve lost as a nation,” opines Han Sulu, an aging industrialist. “Whatever happened to the good old days when your secretary would smile if you smacked her bottom, accepting it as the accolade it is? These days I can’t even wink at my female employees without getting reported to human resources! Whatever happened to ‘boys will be boys’, eh?”
  3. “Attitudes like that are exactly why women don’t come forward!” rebuffs Adele Caldwell, the founder of the MeAsWell movement. “The Finance Minister is a misogynist animal and needs to resign immediately. It’s morally reprehensible for you to have a sexual predator in your party, let alone your cabinet. In fact, there are probably many more creeps lurking in the halls of Parliament. If you are as moral as your party says you are, then you’ll root out and remove every single abuser from their position!”
  4. “Surely there’s some middle ground here?” asks your Minister of Compromises. “The Minister should get his due process. Have him take a discreet leave of absence and let the allegations play out in the courtroom. Our official statement is that we are a nation of innocent until proven guilty. If he’s guilty, then you can boot him out. If he’s innocent, we will welcome him back with open arms, standing proudly beside him on the evening news to say we knew he would be vindicated. See? That wasn’t so hard.”
  5. “Even if he’s found guilty, these baby steps won’t actually solve anything,” huffs one of the Finance Minister’s accusers Marjorie Hill. “That pea-brained pig is just a symptom of a very large societal problem. Do you know how many times I get catcalled, just trying to live my daily life? It’s not a compliment! We need to tackle these things before they even start. We need to make sexual harassment training mandatory in every workplace. We also need to work in high schools, teaching young Random Chaosians to be aware that no-one deserves to be abused, ever.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, election debates consists mostly of two grey suits arguing over how to best preserve the status quo.

2020-12-17 07:30

A Debatable Question

It’s election season in Random Chaos, and several of the smaller political parties are voicing their concerns about being left out of the big televised debates, again.

  1. “It’s so unfair,” sulks Lord Kettlenoggin, leader of the Marxist Alliance For The Advancement Of Agrarian Libertarianism (MAFTAOAL), while speaking to a local gathering of six people. “We polled just below one percent last election cycle, and I demand to be heard! In fact, anybody that wants to join in should have the right to do so. The big parties are just scared to let us debate with them, but don’t let that get in the way of what really matters; vox populism, eh, populi.”
  2. “It’s both fair and efficient,” lectures Michelle Andersson, majority whip for the Liberal Conservatives, while putting out a cigar on a Gambler Supremacy Party campaign pamphlet. “Only the biggest parties stand a real chance at power, and muddling what really matters with thirty different fringe causes, which have no ground in reality, would be unfair to the voters. Trying to mess with the way we’ve been doing political debates since the dawn of time will only serve to put mental stress on the masses, so let’s not.”
  3. “I don’t think we have to go to either extreme here,” suggests Simon Cobweb, former TV-producer and the freshest face on your team of spin-doctors. “If we gave the power to decide eligibility to some non-partisan commission, they could set specific criteria to be included in the televised debates, and a panel of impartial judges could rate prospects based on that. Now, that’s fair. It might cost an extra chip or two, but can you really put a price on democracy? Hmm, I guess I just did, kind of.”
  4. “All this debating is giving me a headache,” complains Thomas Garrison, your Minister of Daft Ideas. “Imagine all the time people would save if they didn’t spend the day listening to arguments about tweaking the tax code or giving benefits to old people.” He motions over to a window overlooking a lone activist spray-painting ‘MAFTAOAL FTW’ across Random Chaos City’s main square. “I have an idea, what if we just stopped debating altogether? No meddling politicians, at all. Let the voters decide for themselves.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Black Market and Most Advanced Law Enforcement and the Top 10% for Highest Poor Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the prevalence of circular logic frequently renders parliamentary observers dizzy.

2020-12-17 01:30

Some Assembly Required

After an ill-advised demonstration during a floor speech on chemical safety standards, the national legislative building is in need of extensive renovations. Leading architects, lawmakers and political scientists have arranged a meeting with you to discuss designs for the new assembly chamber.

  1. “We should look to the Parliament of Brancaland for inspiration,” pants opposition leader Alejandro Putin, taking a break from shouting into his phone. “Two sets of benches: one for my Opposition and allies, the other for the current Government and their accomplices. From just over two sword lengths apart within the Clerkship’s square should we look our enemies — ahem — colleagues in the eye and have a straightforward debate about the issues facing Random Chaos. Besides, I like right angles. If only my colleagues on the other side shared the same appreciation...”
  2. “The Brancalandian legislature is infamous for running into gridlock,” warns senior legislator Elaine Wiseau. “I surmise that a traditional semicircle would be best. Tried and true by many classical governments throughout the ages, it shall add an air of gravitas to all proceedings. With an emphasis on non-fixed seating placing parliament members of different backgrounds next to one another, you’ll find the opposition less concerned with putting up a visible fight and better focused on finding ways to get the actual work of governing done.”
  3. “There’s no time for half-measures!” declares wide-eyed celebrity architect Jean-Luc Dunn, laying out a rather large floor plan on your desk. “I have plans to install a grand circular skylight above the assembly while expanding the visitor gallery to three full floors. Underneath it all, there’d be no seats, only an unbridled tide of legislators flowing over concentric circles of colour. What better way to illustrate the complexity and beauty of politics unbound?”
  4. “What a waste of taxpayer money,” grumbles your mustachioed adviser Don Duckson, whittling down a block of wood. “Don’t humor these petulant children; just have podiums at the front for the leadership with rows of solid oak desks for everyone else. It’s simple and efficient. I don’t see what else we have to discuss here.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mysterious black helicopters menace farmers to ensure compliance with straitjacketing agricultural policies.

2020-12-16 19:30

Deserts Devouring Random Chaos’s Countryside

Due to desertification, the transition of habitable land to desert as a result of overcultivation and the increasing degradation of the environment, much of Random Chaos’s once-green rural areas are turning into barren, rocky deserts.

  1. “This is a disaster,” wails Robin Croft, your Minister of the Environment. “We’ve been too lax on letting the agriculture sector overgraze and overcrop our lands and now we’re paying the price. There needs to be some serious cutback on what farmers are allowed to do, or before you know it we’re going to be scaling sand dunes on the way to work.”
  2. “‘Ey there, you stupid townie, what about us?” shouts Farmer’s Union Leader Ásmunda Kiefaber, waving a pitchfork from atop a combine harvester parked outside. “We’s just goin’ t’ be tole we’re out of a job? Tha’ best way t’ goes about this is t’ promote stuff like that there recyclin’, crop rotatin’, an’ biodiversity, and t’ gives us tha’ subsidies we needs t’ work in ‘armony wi’ mother nature. Desertification ain’t no irreversible thing, an’ claimin’ tha’ land back will be slow and bloody expensive, by thunder. But oi’m sure tha’ taxpayers will be more than ‘appy t’ aid us ‘umble farmers in our plight, and maybe gives us a little more say in things in future, so’s this can’t ‘appen again.”
  3. “Yee-haw, these here deserts are the greatest thang that’s happened in YARS!” drawls noted cowboy Hamish McGraw, twirling his shootin’ irons. “This is just what Random Chaos needs! Just git a stagecoach out har an tha’ foreign types will come a-flockin,’ y’all see if ah’m wrong! We don’t need no fundin’ f’ tha’ environment! Them’s farmers c’n jus’ git minin’ fer GOLD!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ad-blocking has been nationalised.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Psychotic Dictatorship".

2020-12-16 13:30

Public Loudspeakers Shrill With Controversy

A recent poll on putting up huge loudspeakers in Random Chaos’s cities for public government broadcasts has been brought to your attention.

  1. “This idea is brilliant, and Random Chaos can’t afford to pass it up,” claims Agatha Uhura, your Minister of Safety. “These loudspeakers can assure the public that the government is always here to help them. The potential here, to immediately warn citizens of an emergency such as an earthquake or a stampede of gamblers or something, simply must be taken into account! This could save lives! And I suppose, when there isn’t anything the citizens need to be told, you could always use them to broadcast patriotic messages like ‘Roll the dice!’ and inform the good people which party to join and vote for with newsbriefs and such. It’ll be worth it to strengthen the populace’s devotion to our glorious nation!”
  2. “I think people need to realise what this really is: brainwashing!” retorts Daniel Cobblepot, a wealthy marketer. “I don’t want to hear all this flag-waving hogwash every time I go out for a walk. But when it comes to emergencies, I do agree that something should be done to warn everyone: we should send out messages on mandatory miniature radios that you can carry in your pocket. It could tell you things you need to know too, like what shoes to buy and such.”
  3. “To be honest, I can’t see why we should put up with advertising at all,” says Julia Juran, an anti-business protester. “All it is is some multi-billionaire or politician somewhere trying to make even more money while the rest of us struggle to make ends meet. I say we ban advertising and... actually I say we ban the whole capitalism thing altogether! Maybe the economy will suffer a little but that’s just a minor side-effect really, especially when you consider that no longer will our children be encouraged to fill themselves with junk-food because some guy on the telly tells them it’s cool!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, voting district maps are said to resemble a tyrannosaurus eating the capital.

2020-12-16 07:30

Affirmative Election?

Recent elections in Random Chaos have resulted in yet another parliament with few racial or ethnic minorities. In response, several minority-interest organizations have been protesting for weeks on end outside your office. The ruckus has become so distracting that you tried to veto your grocery list. After realizing that this couldn’t continue any longer, you have decided to give them an audience.

  1. “This tyranny by majority must end!” demands Julia May, a Macronesian protest leader, who claims to represent all 2500 Macronesians in Random Chaos. “We have been trying to become members of parliament for most of our adult lives, but we have not won even a single seat. I insist that you permanently reserve a few seats for minority groups throughout our nation.”
  2. “That would not even begin to make up for the decades we spent suffering in silence,” laments Nelson Snow, an ethnic Moltovean who was unsuccessful in his last three runs for a seat in parliament. “The current system obviously doesn’t work. Why don’t we just redraw the voting districts? We can arrange the borders in a manner that will ensure our parliament has a more representative percentage of minorities. Rather than having a few reserved seats, we could actually have fair elections that result in a diverse parliament. Of course, the nation’s homogeneous rural areas might need to be, um, divided a little more creatively to allow our people to get elected there.”
  3. “These dreadful ideas would alienate a large chunk of our voting base,” complains Speaker of Parliament Tanya Bourdain, who was recently lampooned in the book Stuff Ethnic Random Chaosians Like. “Furthermore, the proposals are completely unmeritocratic. No matter how much you spin it, if a candidate fails to meet the expectations of the voting public, the candidate does not deserve a seat. And besides, you’ve seen how those loutish Bigtopians conduct their own affairs. Do you really want those sorts of people in our government?”
  4. “The proposed rules don’t go far enough!” proclaims Brenda Hansen, a devout follower of a very small sect of Conspiritivism, sporting a tin foil helmet and insulating robes. “If minority races get to have special considerations, it’s only fair that we have them too. You should allocate reserved seats in parliament to both ethnic minorities and minority religions to give everyone a voice!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the minority party is vilified for everything from fires to earthquakes.

2020-12-16 01:30

Come on Baby, Fight My Fire

A fire has recently ripped through Random Chaos City, destroying homes and businesses alike. Now the debate rages as to who should receive the bulk of the relief fund.

  1. “The fire burned thousands of ordinary people out of house and home!” wails Rory Meier, an affected resident, “If the government doesn’t help the average Joe, then what good is it at all? We need that relief fund to repair the damages! I’m sure the fat cats in the commercial district will pitch a fit, but they’re the only ones who could afford enough insurance coverage.”
  2. “Oh, the wasted money!” moans Agatha Stevens, owner of Basket-case for Baskets. “It was storefronts and restaurants that bore the brunt of the fire, and they’re the ones that need help now! Do you have any idea how flammable baskets are? If we don’t get the relief we’re entitled to, the economy is going to sink. And then where will these citizens be? In a rebuilt house without a job, that’s where!”
  3. Daniel Burton, a noted anarchist, is appalled at the whole debate. “Relief fund? Giving money?! Now the government has to choose which social class to favor, and here’s the big punch line, there is no right choice! We need to do away with the relief fund altogether, slash taxes and leave the people and businesses to rebuild without government meddling. Yes, there will be some ‘I don’t have any money’ sob stories. Boo-freaking-hoo. It’s not the government’s job to bail them out because they failed to prepare.”
  4. “I always said there’s an opportunity in every disaster,” councils Judi Henderson, your Minister of Underhanded Affairs. “We’re not doing so hot in the polls right now. This fire is only going to put more of a strain on us. Now as I remember, the good ol’ Minority Leader is head of the Random Chaos City Oversight Committee. Let’s shift the focus onto it being his screw up, have a trial by media and he’ll be indicted by next week. The public will burn him at the stake instead of us!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, unwilling fathers wish they had looked for a late-night pharmacy.

2020-12-15 19:30

Cranmer vs Cranmer

Joan Cranmer — a mother who walked out on her partner and son two years ago, voluntarily cutting off all contact until she recently petitioned for custody — has just been awarded full custody of her son by the courts, with the judge stating “children are simply better off with their mother.” This controversial ruling has led to calls for you to intervene.

  1. “She abandoned Hugh, and now she wants to play mummy?” snaps Ed, Joan’s ex-partner. “She doesn’t even know him; I do. His favourite show is Adolescent Zombie Ninja Gamblers. When he’s sick, he likes boysenberry juice, through a curly straw. Mothers should know these things, but she went off to ‘find herself’. I’ve done an amazing job with my son, and thanks to my help, he gets excellent grades in school now. Child custody should go to the most suitable parent, not just the one with the uterus. Fit parents don’t dump their kid when they get bored.”
  2. “I was bored with Ed, not my son,” insists Joan. “Ed is a very narcissistic man; he was stifling my soul. I couldn’t even have friends. Now, I’m much better; I have my own career, and a lovely flat near one of the top schools in the country. I can provide for my son materially and I can be there emotionally. All children need their mother, no matter what. I am grateful that Ed stepped into the breach in my absence, but nothing can make up for a mother’s love.”
  3. “A mother merely does what any common cat does,” remarks proudly misogynist author of the mothering guide Stop Whining and Push. “Why does simple childbirth give women special custody rights? Mothers may feel attachment, but fathers provide moral and mental instruction. See how the boy’s grades improved with his father’s influence.” He holds up a book report with ‘Did your father write this?’ at the bottom. “Clearly, fathers are the more fit parent and should gain child custody in separations.”
  4. “Hi!” Hugh waves at you from the floor. “Why don’t big people ever ask me what I want? I want to live with Mummy and Daddy again, in a candyfloss castle with a pet gambler. But Mummy and Daddy say ‘no’... because Daddy’s a ‘gnat-brained mule’ and because Mummy’s a ‘satanic slattern from Hell’... I think that means they’re not friends any more. So I want to live with Mummy half the time and Daddy half the time. Then I’d get two bedrooms!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is a common belief that a sport isn't sport if there are no decapitations.

2020-12-15 13:30

We Who Are About to Die Would Rather Go Home

An old supporter of yours has recently passed on, leaving a quite sizeable plot of land to you in his will - but only under a rather unusual condition: that the site be developed into a colosseum for hosting gladiatorial fights and other bloody spectacles.

  1. “Yes, yes!” cries Falala Morgan, waving a wooden sword enthusiastically. “You’ve gotta do this, man! Gladiator fights are like the ultimate in spectator sports! And it doesn’t just have to be people! We could pit man against gambler! Blade against claw! Nothing to their names but their wits and their stamina! You’d have to pay people a lot to risk their lives doing this, but I bet you’d earn a whole lot more from merchandise and wagers and stuff!”
  2. “That’s just sick,” says Ken Swallows, president of the Kill Violence Now Association. “I don’t believe you’d find anyone willing to watch actual people tearing each other apart. It’s savage and horrible! It’s even worse than boxing! Violent sports should be outlawed for the sake of this country’s moral integrity. I’m sorry, I’ve got to go - I’m ashamed you’re even considering this.”
  3. “Actually, we could use this to our advantage,” whispers Chief of Police, Preeti Carter. “Why not just force convicted criminals to fight for the amusement of the public? They’ll be paying for their crimes, contributing to society, and totally freeing us of having to build jails to throw their useless hides in!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, evenings at university debating societies often end with everyone acknowledging both sides may well be right.

2020-12-15 07:30

Lessons in Politics

The Politics Department at the University of Gambler City has come under criticism from opposition politicians because the programme is clearly and unashamedly biased in favour of you, Leader, and your political ideologies.

  1. “This is immoral! The university faculty is so biased, they may as well just call themselves your official fan club,” complains Opposition Leader Whoopi Summers, quickly hiding a dartboard bearing your face behind her back. “Universities should have a balanced syllabus, not be indoctrinating young minds into some cult of personality. For the sake of democratic freedom, you must institute measures to ensure non-biased teaching in all universities, and political balance of opinion within teaching staff.”
  2. “This is not about partisanship; it is about academic autonomy,” retorts Politics Professor Colleen Capulet, signing a copy of her latest book Why Summers Smells of Fish. “We, as a faculty, just so happen to choose to support your politics. And we just so happen to attract a capable staff who are all like-minded. It is our absolute democratic right to set our own syllabus, without interference from government! You, being one of the wisest leaders that this nation has ever seen, must surely see this!”
  3. “I have to say, you’re really popular with the politically enlightened Gambler City graduates, and that can only help at the polling station,” points out election campaign manager Heston Holst. “Maybe you’d have an even stronger majority if we named that university a ‘flagship centre of education’, and put them in charge of setting the national university-level political syllabus.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Efficient Economies.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the secret ingredient is love (and MSG).

2020-12-15 01:30

A Recipe for Success?

Popular coffee chain Moonbucks recently found itself in hot water after its Moonbucks Magic Mocha Machiatto Mixer was found to include ingredients that might lead to an increased risk in cancer, or at least a really upset stomach. Moonbucks had been using these substances despite knowing about their bad press, but as the ingredients list wasn’t visible or published anywhere they had escaped comment until now.

  1. “I can’t believe that these companies aren’t forced to disclose everything in their products!” yells frequent coffee-slurper Roger Janeway, a little hyped up from his fifteenth espresso of the morning. “The government needs to force every company to disclose a full list of ingredients regardless of the product, as well as health warnings! We need to know when our drinks contain harmful chemicals!” He points at you accusingly with a trembling index finger, twitching visibly from caffeine overload.
  2. “There’s no harm from the additives in our products!” says Abraham ‘Cappuccino’ Williams, CEO of Moonbucks, sipping from a glass of plain tap water. “No one has come to any harm... yet. People need to quit worrying about what’s in the things they eat or drink and just learn to relax. The government should buy everyone a Moonbucks frappucino to help them with that.”
  3. “Coffeeheads, I ask you...” sighs tea-lover Earl Gray, sipping delicately from a china cup. “Why does anyone drink coffee, anyway? You should tax the foul stuff, and redirect those funds into subsidising more civilised drinks. Then perhaps while we take tea, we can enjoy the more cultured things in life - like a classic book or a proper biscuit.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it turns out you can teach cats new tricks.

2020-12-14 19:30

Here’s Looking at Zoo, Kid

Following the abolition of zoos, an ecological report has found that a large proportion of released zoo animals have not survived in the wild because they spent most of their lives in captivity.

  1. “I totally saw this coming,” asserts a pair of talking giraffe’s legs, who you realise is actually the former director of the Random Chaos City Zoo wearing a giraffe costume on stilts. “It’s a sad scene, isn’t it? Those poor giraffes alone in the wilderness with no way of defending themselves from predators like those supercilious tigers. The public are understandably mad that these exotic animals have no chance of surviving in the wild. The answer is simple: let us recapture all of our animals to save them from themselves and we’ll re-exhibit them once more.”
  2. “If you knew this would happen, then why didn’t you prepare the animals before their release?” questions the notoriously catty Secretary of Wildlife Conservation, Beryl Caskin. “Training and rehabilitation are what we need here. We’ll get our people into the wild to hone these animals’ survival instincts by demonstrating to them the behaviours that they will need to survive. For example, we could teach tigers how to stalk their prey or giraffes to whack would-be predators with their necks. A film crew can even follow us around, which will raise public awareness on wildlife conservation without the need for zoos.”
  3. “Any human intervention is too much human intervention,” says Finn Savage, the head of the Special Protection of Animals Movement. “Besides, the government should be focusing on highly endangered animals such as the Random Chaosian horny toad. Can you believe there’s only twenty of them left? We can’t risk their extinction. It would be nice if we instead left endangered animal species alone in their own protected reserves, away from other animals, with a never-ending supply of food.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, moonshine and organized crime are on the rise ever since alcohol was banned.

2020-12-14 13:30

Fraternity Furor

After a drunken brawl between rival fraternities resulted in the deaths of five university students, concerned citizens across Random Chaos have questioned whether fraternities serve a purpose in modern society.

  1. “Dude! You can’t ban fraternities,” says Warwick Harper, member of Mu Alpha Xi, while crushing a beer can against his forehead. “Fraternities are like a brotherhood. They give us a sense of belonging. Sure, some of us may get a little out of hand, but we have a right to hang out with whoever we want. Don’t we have like, uh, freedom of assembly or something like that in Random Chaos?”
  2. “Fraternities continue to be an embarrassment to Random Chaosian universities,” muses your geeky nephew as he peeks his head over a quantum physics textbook. “Don’t forget that the same guys who shoved me into lockers in high school are the same ones being caught uttering awful chants and participating in hooliganism. College isn’t about getting drunk and partying. It’s about studying, working hard, and preparing yourself for the real world. Shutter the frat houses, so us students can study in peace and quiet.”
  3. “Come now, old sport, you can’t listen to this poppycock,” scoffs grey-haired University of Random Chaos City alumnus Ken O'Leary, sporting a swordstick and a hat displaying the symbol of an alleged secret society. “Back in my day we didn’t have these problems with our fraternities. The problem is because you allow any Tom, Dick, and Harry into our fine organizations without the proper credentials. Fraternities used to be only for the wealthy and shall we say, better citizens. Go back to the old ways and I’m sure these scandals will disappear.”
  4. “The problem isn’t fraternities. It is alcohol!” invokes Reverend Joylove. “Some of these young men are a part of my flock and are otherwise upstanding citizens of society. I’m sure that they would never have become involved in a violent fistfight if it weren’t for the alcohol polluting their bodies and souls. Instead of punishing the sinner, we must eradicate the sin. Alcohol is the devil’s nectar, and it poisons the mind! For the good of society, we must ban all alcohol in Random Chaos!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign governments are threatened if they so much as mention the word "election".

2020-12-14 07:30

Hackable Elections?

A damning new report has shown extremely strong evidence that many voting machines were hacked by operatives from Blackacre during the last election, with votes for the opposition parties being counted as votes for your party. Furious opposition members and ethics watchdogs have demanded that you take action.

  1. “What a clusterfrack!” exclaims Gene Kumar, director of the Random Chaos Bureau of Investigation as he double-facepalms. “The sad thing is that this could have been avoided if your government took the warnings of the intelligence community seriously. We warned you that Blackacre has a habit of interfering in other nations’ elections! You must take immediate action by imposing sanctions on the Blackacrean government. Warn them that further interference will be met with even more serious consequences!”
  2. “The problem isn’t so much who hacked our elections, but how!” replies your technophobe political adviser as he shakily puts down his phone. “The solution is simple - ban voting machines from being used in elections forevermore. Whatever happened to marking an x on a ballot? Pen and paper is the tried and true method of voting. Sure, the ballots could easily get lost, and it’ll be expensive and time-consuming to maintain, but at least it’ll safeguard us from further political interference!”
  3. “Um, are we forgetting about the MASSIVE VOTER FRAUD that took place here?” fumes the Opposition Leader, thrusting the report in your face. “The previous election must be declared null and void, and any laws passed since then must be stricken. A new election needs to be declared immediately, and international corruption watchdogs must oversee the whole ordeal. This government is tainted with corruption, and we owe it to the people of Random Chaos to present them with fair and democratic elections.”
  4. “Folks, I’m very respectful of the RCBI. But they’re whining idiots who’re making a big fuss over nothing,” pouts your Minister of International Trade, his toupee bobbing about as he talks. “We won, okay? We had a beautiful, flawless campaign. Now, everyone says Blackacre rigged our booths, but where’s their proof? And does it matter? We did the right thing from a moral standpoint. We got elected, no matter how. And Random Chaos is reaping the benefits. Bigly. We should boost our ties to Blackacre with a huge trade deal. If Blackacre did this, believe me, they’re like Random Chaosian patriots.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most voters only see their chosen representative visit once every election cycle.

2020-12-14 01:30

Dude, Where’s My Elected Representative?

A recent survey of MPs in Random Chaos revealed that only 50% of them actually live in the ridings that they represent.

  1. “This is a disgrace!” shouts street protester and irate bird farmer Montgomery Stallone, whilst launching some sort of squishy projectile at your front door with a handheld catapult. “How is someone who lives in Northern Random Chaos supposed to have any understanding of how people in Southern Random Chaos live? My MP lives hundreds of miles away from the good honest folk he’s claiming to represent. Frankly, it’s an insult to the electorate. The government must force elected representatives to live in the areas they’re supposed to represent, or kick them out of office!”
  2. “This is a democracy, remember?” argues Paul Nutter, who was elected to represent the rural fishing folk of Gambler-by-the-Sea, despite living in Random Chaos City. “I may not live in the rural wilderness right now, though I’ll probably live there one day. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about these places. I mean, I do have access to Kwikipedia, after all! Forcing me to resign is a slap in the face to the good people of Gambler-by-the-Sea and an insult to democracy itself!”
  3. “There’s always room for compromise,” suggests noted centrist politician, Susie Brown, who is known for attending as many government meetings as possible. “Obviously we need to have our politicians be knowledgeable about the areas they’re representing, but we also can’t deny them a right to choose their own place of residence. How about we instead compel all politicians to educate themselves about their chosen ridings? Force them to study the area’s history, culture, and languages and actually spend some time there. Then, test them! Give them an examination to pass to prove they know their stuff! If they fail, then they can’t run in that riding. After all, a little bit of knowledge never did anyone any harm.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young children are regularly seen wagering pocket money at blackjack tables.

2020-12-13 19:30

Child Casino Shock

Children as young as eight have been spotted gambling in some of Random Chaos’s seedier casinos.

  1. Social activist Sonequa Khachaturian is outraged. “Gambling needs to be outlawed immediately. It’s no wonder children are becoming sucked into the vice, with adults setting such a poor example. Gambling is a stain on Random Chaos’s international reputation and it must be stopped!”
  2. However, Crown Casino chairperson Ayla Rikkard says, “What’s wrong with children gambling? It prepares them for the realities of life, teaching them that success or failure is not due to hard work or intelligence, but the roll of the dice. Besides, if kids weren’t gambling, they’d be spray painting trains.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader sports gold-plated grillz to promote the government's hard money policy.

2020-12-13 13:30

Cheques and Balances

After the Governor of the Central Bank of Random Chaos stonewalled a parliamentary committee during a two-hour hearing, refusing to answer any questions about the current state of their balance sheet, an unusual coalition of left- and right-wing political activists have come together to demand a fresh approach at the CBRC.

  1. “The undemocratic farce of central banking only serves the interests of a few wealthy corporations,” insists socialist protestor, Peter Tano, wearing a Give Peace A Chance tie-dyed T-shirt. “It’s time Random Chaos had a monetary policy that works for everyone, not just the privileged 1%. Democratize the Bank! Make the Governor subject to a recall if enough citizens petition for it, and have the interest rates set by representatives we can actually vote for, not some anonymous and unaccountable economists.”
  2. “I agree,” chimes in conservative blogger Violet Cesternino, wearing a Give War A Chance BBQ sauce-stained trucker hat. “The CBRC is just another way for the political class to keep good Violet-hatin’ folks like myself down. But the liberals just want more bureaucracy, as usual. Tear the whole thing down! We don’t need to vote to tell some fancy-pants with a P-h-D, whatever that stands for, how much the chips in our pocket are worth - we can just go back to the gold standard!”
  3. “Is this really the state of public debate in this country?” bemoans centrist commentator Cho Humperdink, wearing a Give Multilateral Diplomacy, Without Ruling Out The Possibility Of Surgical Military Action, A Chance tie-pin. “The independence of central banking is a key component of any modern economy. Compromising that will only lead to our monetary policy becoming subject to either populism or corruption, and make us the laughing stock of The Hatrackia. You must stand firm and defend the Bank’s independence.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, meals are now followed by thirty minutes of mandatory exercise.

2020-12-13 07:30

Feeding Frenzy

The latest episode of celebrity chef Ramsey Oliver’s massively popular television show “Lunch Box Revolution” has exposed the unhealthy junk food served in elementary and high schools, putting your government under pressure to act on childhood obesity.

  1. “We all know what the problem is, so why isn’t the government doing a #$%! thing about it?” decries Oliver from your TV screen. “We need to stop feeding our children junk food, like those $%#&! chicken chizzlers. Maybe the government can’t control what they have at home, but they can give them proper meals for school lunches. Force the schools to serve only nutritious meals and ban junk food from being sold in schools. It’s a !%&$# no-brainer! The $#%!@ soda industry might not like it, but they can go suck a lemon.”
  2. “Who says you can’t control what kids eat at home?” comments Gregory Márquez, one of your golf buddies, as he practices his swings. “You’d make it easier on parents if you mandated an official meal plan for children across Random Chaos. I know I’d be much happier if a professional was preparing my kids’ meals. Have you ever tasted my wife’s cooking? Think about it. Hmm, that’s probably a 7 Iron shot from here.”
  3. “Healthy food and meal plans aren’t the answer,” objects soccer mom and former Olympic athlete Yui Silk, proudly displaying her gold medals. “The problem is that our glutinous hellspawn don’t get off their lazy butts to exercise. We need more PE classes! Mandatory athletic training! More funding for after school activities! If we educate parents and children about good health and exercise, then they will get healthier and stay healthier. Not to mention they’ll be the strongest and fastest in all of The Hatrackia!”
  4. “Here we go with the food police again,” sighs Burger Queen CEO Magnus Bennett as he chows down on a double bacon cheeseburger. “How about you health nuts stop telling me what food I can put in my body? These kids are perfectly capable of making their own choices. If they would rather enjoy one of our delicious burgers instead of some gross salad then who are we to stop them? Sure, they’ll probably have a heart attack or two by the time they’re my age, but it’s better to die fat and free than old and controlled!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most towns have their Leader High School located on Leader Street.

2020-12-13 01:30

The Trolley Problem

After the public poll to name Random Chaos City’s newest trolley line was handily won by a tired and insincere meme response, making it the sixth consecutive poll with similar results, the mayor has come to your office begging for an official stance on naming procedures for public projects.

  1. “Trolley McTrolleyface?” sighs the mayor dejectedly. “I have to ride to work on Trolley McTrolleyface? I wanted ‘The Gambler Express,’ but no, we’re stuck with this boring nonsense again. Instead of throwing open these polls to every juvenile delinquent or obnoxious ‘Grick and Morgy’ fan, could we please establish some boundaries? How about a committee of respected citizens to vet the choices that are on the ballot? That way the people get their say, and we get some dignity!”
  2. “Remind me again why we let the public vote on this stuff at all,” interjects your Auxiliary Regional Subaltern for Naming Things. “The government foots the bill, the government has the responsibility for maintaining our nation’s image, and the government should choose the name! Heck, perhaps you should just name the next project after yourself!”
  3. “Are you kidding me? These names are great!” bubbles Hugh Farmer, your Communication Director’s intern, while excitedly checking your metrics. “This isn’t civic failing, it’s civic engagement! If some silly names are all it takes to get citizens fired up and interested in public works, then isn’t that worth it? Who cares if it’s a bit repetitious – it’s great for our optics! Besides, if we really are a democracy, we have to respect the people’s vote.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has implemented minimum wage laws.

2020-12-12 19:30

Minimum Wage War

Workers all over Random Chaos have gone on a general strike demanding you create a minimum wage to alleviate poverty conditions.

  1. “We will not accept this exploitation any longer,” says Kayla Benteen, through a megaphone. “Without a minimum wage law in place we’re forced to work for a pittance! How can I feed myself and my family if I can’t earn enough money? This corrupt government favours a system where the rich get richer at the expense of the working class. No longer! We demand a reasonable minimum wage!”
  2. “Reasonable? Since when have companies ever been ‘reasonable’ when it comes to money?” questions Pablo Guilliman, president of the Random Chaos Socialist Alliance. “The government should increase taxes and guarantee a living wage so everybody, no matter what job they have, can have access to food, water, and other basic needs. If everyone has the money needed to survive, then things like the economy should take care of themselves. Stands to reason. But what you should be asking yourself is this: what’s more important, individuals or corporations?”
  3. “We don’t need any of these stupid communistic welfare policies,” says Vera Nakatomi, millionaire CEO and star of reality TV show ‘You’re Fired!’ “Living wages are unworkable! If you make workers expensive, then employers are just going to use fewer or lose profits. They should be grateful for a job, and if they don’t want to work, we should be able to boot them out and hire someone else, no questions asked. Hey, it’s not that I’m not compassionate. I’m the most compassionate person you’ll ever meet. The most!”
  4. “I agree, and honestly it’s a detriment to this nation’s businesses that we even have to PAY them wages,” extrapolates corporate executive John Nike. “If slavery was legal, I think we’d find the nation’s economy improving somewhat.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, innocent defendants often plead guilty for fear of receiving a much harsher sentence before jury.

2020-12-12 13:30

Plea Bargains: Tipping the Scales of Justice?

The high-profile case of Damon ‘The Butcher of Random Chaos City’ White, a serial murderer and rapist, has been the subject of outrage and derision by Random Chaos’s news providers. In exchange for a guilty verdict, no trial by jury, and testimony in another trial, White pled guilty to third-degree manslaughter, reducing his sentence to a paltry three months’ imprisonment. The justness of plea bargaining is now being called into question.

  1. “Plea bargains degrade the fairness of our justice system,” argues Leela Frederickson, a recently graduated lawyer. “Prosecutors are only interested in getting their guilty verdict and plea bargaining is the easiest way to get it! The recent trial of that psychopath mass-murderer is a disgrace! If it had gone before a jury he’d be behind bars by now! He won’t though, because the prosecutors and police are too lazy to do their jobs properly. Putting that man back on the streets is not justice. Plea bargaining must be banned.”
  2. “What that moral elitist is neglecting to tell you,” sneers Ronald McGhee, a prosecutor, “is that plea bargaining has made our judicial system MORE effective, not less! There needs to be give and take so we can get to the truth and that’s what plea bargains allow us. We were able to catch the worst criminal kingpin Random Chaos has ever seen because of Mr White’s testimony. Also, do you realise how clogged up and expensive the court system would be if every trial went before jury? Very, my friend. Very. Plea bargaining must be allowed to continue.”
  3. “You know, we wouldn’t have to worry about any of this nonsense and controversy if we just stopped giving our criminals so many rights,” sighs Adama Springsteen, your fifth cousin, five times removed. “Double jeopardy, cruel and unusual punishment, the writ of habeas corpus... there are just so many inconvenient clauses in our constitution that are getting in the way of keeping our streets clean of crooks. I say we abolish the right to a fair trial, and just lock people up if the judge thinks they’ve done something wrong. I mean, they’re pretty smart guys aren’t they?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the disabled are forced to undergo an MRI scan every time they pick up their benefit payments.

2020-12-12 07:30

Unfit for Purpose

The Department of Welfare has been criticized for the way it assesses potential claimants of disability benefits. The department sends out agents from private companies to force claimants to perform what critics call “cruel and humiliating” assessments in order to prove they need the benefit.

  1. “This is disgusting and inhumane,” furiously shouts wheelchair-bound claimant Commodus Coleman. “That person who came to assess me wasn’t even a licensed medical professional in my area of care. She was a former optician! Does it look like my eyes aren’t working? She made me roll up and down my hallway until my arms got tired, then told me I didn’t need the benefit because I could roll along the floor on my own without difficulty! End this now. A note from your doctor or other relevant professional should be enough evidence to claim disability benefit. It’s not as if they’d lie.”
  2. “The system works just fine,” claims your grey-suited and stoic Welfare Minister. “We have to carefully screen every claim, otherwise every scammer and skiver would try to con the government out of money for every cut and scrape they have. Make the assessments more stringent, and properly fund my department. That way, it’ll deter the con artists and only the truly disabled will receive assistance.”
  3. “I think a lack of empathy is the problem,” suggests a random passer-by who happened to overhear the meeting. “I’m not against the principle of assessing clinical needs, but we need to make it fairer on claimants. I heard one story of one of those agents asking a suicidal person how they would kill themselves if they were to do it. We should ensure that all assessors have the same disability as the claimant, which will ensure they are treated humanely and fairly, as well as making sure that the assessor has a good understanding of what the condition entails.”
  4. “This is all just a waste of time and money!” exclaims self-styled Social Darwinist and anti-government crusader Jenna Keating. “Think of the suffering taxpayers! Where are our benefits, hmm? We’re the real victims here, not these lazy slackers on disability! Abolish their welfare payments and let natural selection work things out.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, racehorses move a lot slower these days.

2020-12-12 01:30

Have Your Cake and Don’t Eat It

Liara Pelosi, a young dancer, recently collapsed with the complications of what was revealed to be anorexia nervosa while dancing in the small, televised role of ‘Girl Waiting for Pater Maxxmas’. National attention has now been drawn to the growing prevalence of eating disorders and related hospitalizations in Random Chaos, especially among the dance community.

  1. “Here’s some food for thought,” says psychologist Des Carter, handing you a copy of his new book Cogeato Ergo Sum: I Eat, Therefore I Am. “Eating disorders are growing year on year, in both male and female Random Chaosians. They may be the result of low self-esteem, body dysmorphia, or can be comorbid with other psychological disorders. Due to the high morbidity, it is vital that you subsidize psychiatric in-patient treatment and prevent future eating disorders by encouraging citizens to attend government funded therapy. Now, why don’t you lie down on this couch and tell me how you feel...”
  2. “Wake up and smell the coffee!” cries Honey Pelosi, mother of the collapsed teenager. “The true cause of these eating disorders is all the pressure in today’s hypercompetitive, ultra-connected world. Every member of the Random Chaos City Ballet corps de ballet has a teeny-tiny waist and skinny legs, and it’s ridiculous! My poor child felt she’d never be pretty unless she was severely underweight. Sponsor media promotions of more healthy body proportions, and ban anyone who’s simply too thin from working in sport, dance, or any role where they can be seen by vulnerable youngsters!”
  3. “Please, dar-link, this ‘healthy figure’ is so last season,” scoffs cadaverous fashion magazine editor Karla Field, covering the downy hair on her emaciated arms with her plum suit’s sleeves. “Only flabby mummies who stuff their faces with fatty snack-foods object to skinny women, because they feel inferior knowing their own beautiful bones were swallowed by layers of flesh. That’s not our problem. Women who eschew the ravages of food should be praised, not labelled mentally ill. My magazine will even fund a contest to crown Miss Mosquito — the thinnest, most dietetically controlled woman in Random Chaos — and provide you with something to replace that monstrosity you’re currently wearing. How about it?”
  4. “The obvious solution to eating disorders is to ensure every Random Chaosian gets the right calories and nutrients,” interjects your Minister of Health, Lettuce Ward. “And how? With a simple law requiring that every citizen eats healthily and to the exact amount required, enforced by monitoring eyes in kitchens, regulated mealtimes, government distributed shopping lists and recipes and ‘clean plate monitors’ to help everybody finish their din-dins... even if they don’t want to. As the icing on the cake, this would also allow us to prevent people from becoming overweight. Of course, it’ll require a lot of oversight, and control of the national food supply, but my department can handle it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, courses in how to boil water are popular for formerly microwave-reliant Random Chaosians.

2020-12-11 19:30

Can It!

Mass-produced microwavable meals have become increasingly popular due to their convenience and low cost. However, the Skandilundian research group Meals for Sustenance and Gastronomy has warned that the dietary imbalance found in the nation’s microwavable meals may be leaving Random Chaosians at risk of malnutrition.

  1. “This is truly embarrassing!” states physician Dr. Cindy Singh, massaging her temples. “We have become so reliant on these low-quality packaged meals that we have lost all perception of what good nutrition is! I suggest that we abolish fast food restaurants and these dreadful poor-quality ready-meals. Instead, we should encourage Random Chaosians to enjoy cooking their own wholesome food with fresh produce.” She swats the bowl of Ma Nature’s Truly Triglyceride Macaroni and Cheese out of your hands.
  2. “Our problem is that the nation has lost any sense of fine ingredients!” declares chef Hermes Berlusconi, manager of Random Chaos City’s finest eatery The Gilded Chip. “There’s no need to ban the commercial food industry. You should merely ensure that manufacturers and chefs use better-quality ingredients. Once they have tasted food that’s not filled with monosodium glutamate and E-numbers, they will be lining up at the door to taste all the fine cuisine Random Chaos has to offer. Such as the delights offered by my restaurant.” He places a freshly-cooked deep-dish pizza in front of you.
  3. Sniffing the air, a man wanders into your dining room and picks up your spilled macaroni. “You gonna eat that?” He devours the soggy pasta with a satisfied sigh. “I really don’t see the problem with processed meals. Firstly, they are the most delicious thing ever. Also, they’re quick and easy to make, and cheap to buy. In fact, why do we need any other food? Whether you buy Ma Nature or Yums for Tums, all microwavable meals are just so great! Why don’t we ban all other food production, and make Random Chaos the world capital for microwavable cuisine? It would be ravioli heaven!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most people suffer from some form of hearing loss.

2020-12-11 13:30

The Silence and the Fury

A large, silent mass of people have staged a sit-in around the government buildings in Random Chaos City to protest noise pollution.

  1. The leader of the protest, Sy Lance, slips a handwritten letter across your desk. It reads: “The noise level in this city has become simply unbearable. I cannot walk down the street without having my delicate auditory faculties assaulted! For the sake of the nation’s hearing, you must enact stricter noise pollution laws. I implore you!”
  2. “WHAT?! YOU WANT TO BAN NOISE?! WELL, SOME OF US AREN’T OVERSENSITIVE! WE LIKE NOISE!” bellows a local construction worker. “I DON’T BUST MY HUMP WORKING DAY IN AND DAY OUT JUST TO HAVE THESE SISSIES TELL ME I NEED TO KEEP IT DOWN! WE DEMAND THE RIGHT TO MAKE AS MUCH NOISE AS WE WANT, WHATEVER THE TIME, WHEREVER THE PLACE!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, marine biology students are shocked to discover that a whale is a mammal.

2020-12-11 08:00

A for Effort

A home-schooled student with perfect grades was kicked out of Random Chaos City University after failing the first semester.

  1. “This is not fair!” berates Heather du Pont, the student’s mom, her face turning the color of beetroot as she glares at you accusingly. “How can colleges kick out a student after they’ve enrolled? It’s as if they don’t believe the grades I gave him! My little cherub worked so hard in his high school years, and now it’s all for nothing. Leader, you must make it a law that colleges cannot boot out anyone after they’ve been accepted.”
  2. “Do you see these papers?” asks Yuri Little, the university’s admissions counsellor. “Copies of rejection letters sent to applicants who were declined a space because of this sub-par student! I think that we need to take some serious measures to make sure that home-schooled students have their grades checked and verified by the state.”
  3. “Why are college entrance criteria so elitist anyway?” enquires Clint Serling, an intern who has just completed a college paper on socialism. “Why not just make going to college mandatory for every Random Chaosian? College education should be free for all until the age of 24. Yes, it will require a boost in taxation to pay for it, but everyone will surely appreciate their government-funded master’s degree.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an increasingly villainous series of sports coaches are demanding the national mascot's true identity.

2020-12-11 01:30

Who Stands for Random Chaos?

After the unfortunate and untimely death of Random Chaos’s premier sporting mascot just before a major national Calvinball competition, the decision regarding his replacement has been pushed higher and higher up the chain of command until now, having somehow reached your desk.

  1. “Random Chaos should show that it c-cares for everyone,” stammers once-world class juggler, Hamlet Young, now a nervous paraplegic, “Even the v-very weakest in our so-so-soci-country. Our compassion comes across in our welfare, our healthcare, our v-very w-way of life. That’s why I sh-should be the one to represent it. After all, if I can do it, so can anyone!”
  2. “No,” growls a mysterious figure, audibly recovering from a tracheotomy, bedecked in a cape and cowl, “We need to prize the values that keep us safe, in government and outside it. The ones that keep citizens from a life of crime. Order. Justice. Parents. I will represent that. I am the hero Random Chaos deserves.”
  3. “But not the one it needs!” exclaims the chief executive of BurgerCorp, Marjorie Farmer, striding into your office dressed as her latest product, “What Random Chaos needs right now is to plug the looming hole in its budget - and that’s something we can do through corporate sponsorship! Just auction off the rights to field a mascot to the highest bidder, and the nation’s pockets - and your own, my dear Leader - will start to feel decidedly less empty.”
  4. “Don’t do it!” screams your personal advisor, Silvio Mann, somehow the most flamboyantly dressed yet, “Any decision we make now will be a political torpedo: all we’ve been given here is a choice between being seen as convulsive, compulsive or corrupt! What we really need to prize is choice: the choice of the people to elect their own mascot - and your choice to push any really difficult political decisions onto the voting public!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cops with assault weaponry are forcing their way into private homes to search for terrorists.

2020-12-10 20:00

Delivering the Goods

Success! After months of hard work, the police have busted a contraband-smuggling operation of incredible size, with several warehouses of a variety of illegal goods broken open and the ringleaders arrested. As all are cheering the police for their fine work, the question of what you should actually do with all this contraband is being raised.

  1. “Considerable firepower on display here,” says SWAT-team leader Gretel Grossweiner. “If I were you, I’d want to know to which dissident group these guns were intended. Put the confiscated firearms in the armoury of the police and military, and give us the all clear to find the terrorists, and deal with them with extreme force. I call it Operation: Ironic Takedown.”
  2. “This is something of a haul, but these aren’t trade goods anymore: they’re evidence!” says Judiciary Director Louis Nagasawa. “The goods should be stored as such till the legal processes are complete, then they should be carefully destroyed with a clear accounting trail to ensure ethical practice.”
  3. “So, I make it almost a billion chips in goods here,” ponders your Treasury Minister, staring at an unethically-sourced blood diamond. “How about we sell this stuff, as official plunder? The revenue boost would be great for this year’s budget deficit. Tax cuts are good, right? This is our stuff now, after all.”
  4. “You know, I can’t help but think that a lot of this contraband wouldn’t be illegal in a more liberal country,” observes one of the smugglers, from the chair your men have tied him to. “You ever considered changing your laws to allow some free trade and personal freedom, maybe? Like, if you could personally free me, that’d be great.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pristine wilderness has been trashed in the quest for cheaper oil.

2020-12-10 13:30

Painful Prices Paid at the Pump

Commuters are complaining about the ongoing rise in gas prices, causing a massive debate in the government about what should be done.

  1. “Who cares about a few trees?” says oil executive Pedro Moneypenny. “Gas prices are six chips per gallon, and rising! There is lots of oil to be found in areas currently protected as parks! Solving our energy needs is more important than conserving the environment. Just give us permission to go in there and start drilling, and gas prices will plummet!”
  2. “There are other ways to recover from the fossil fuel crisis besides ruining forests,” says environmental activist Victoria Suzuki. “We shouldn’t just take the short way out and drill here. I suggest spending more money on public transportation systems and encouraging people to carpool - if people weren’t so reliant on fossil fuel powered cars, we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place, and if we start using less oil, the price will drop with the demand.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the legislature keeps promising "more study" of corruption allegations against the parliamentary whip system.

2020-12-10 07:30

Spare the Whip, Spoil the Law

This past week the legislature shot down a flagship law, setting back your whole agenda at least a year. Considering your party had a comfortable majority and should easily have passed the bill, your inner circle has been considering what kind of discipline to impose on parliamentary rebels.

  1. “I’m telling you, police those fools!” shouts an angry Aldo Jackson, the legislator who co-authored the proposed law with you. “No, I mean literally! Have the building security officers march around in full riot gear, looking every MP right in the eye! I dare any of my lily-livered colleagues to defy our will THEN! A strong and unified party means a strong and unified Random Chaos, whatever those opposition goons may blather.”
  2. Loyalist legislator Francis Woodheart has other ideas on what to do with the rebels. “We really don’t need anything quite so drastic, my friend. We can police ourselves! Just appoint me as ‘whip,’ and then I can use the power of persuasion on any party members who won’t fall in line. Don’t like the government’s budget proposal? That’s a shame, I really wanted to drop your name in Leader’s ear for that open cabinet post...”
  3. “Members of our legislature have ALWAYS voted according to their conscience,” bellows Efthamia Popov, one of the dissenters. “That bill would have destroyed our way of life in Northwest Random Chaos, and we won’t allow that to happen! You snooty Random Chaos City scalawags keep flogging the same old dead horses, trying to bulldoze our culture, and we’re plum sick of it. There’ve gotta be more safeguards against partisan and sectional tyranny. We need to have local control of local issues, and institute a secret ballot in the legislature. Only then are we safe from the storm of wrath and repercussions - from you, from the donors, or from the voters.”
  4. “Uh, speaking of voters...” mutters Sandy Berman, the Minister of Domestic Affairs. “Remember them? You’re all so focused on getting your own agendas passed that you’ve forgotten why we’re here in the first place! The voters didn’t send us here to squabble like screaming children about who didn’t support someone’s National Moose Empowerment Act! They want us to get things done, and they’ll bring home anyone who’s not pulling their weight. Recall elections will make those rebels the local whipping boys. Forget secret ballots, we need to SPREAD the word who voted for what - the electorate will send us the right people if we just give them a chance.”
  5. “This word ‘whip’ has me thinking,” ponders your old friend and chief-of-staff Jake Brutus, who is also the odds-on favorite to replace you one day. “What if we let everyone vote as usual, but every time some upstart so-called ‘statesman’ votes against your wishes, you ACTUALLY get to whip them! Live, in the public square! Wouldn’t that be a delicious spectacle? The sting of the lash, the sound of leather striking flesh... I can’t imagine anyone wanting to lead Random Chaos without it.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Timber Woodchipping Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young children are learning advanced physics to scientifically disprove the existence of Santa Claus.

2020-12-10 01:30

Here Be Dragons?

The discovery of an ancient map that says “Here Be Dragons” at an archaeological dig close to Random Chaos City has generated a storm of public interest, and a disturbingly high percentage of the population has indicated on a survey that they actually believe dragons exist.

  1. “Do we really have to go through this again?” sighs Education Minister Sasha Watterson, while reading through a woefully inaccurate high school history textbook. “The map was obviously just talking about lizards or something. Dragons aren’t real! If the people really are this credulous, then it’s just a sign that we need to give the education budget another boost. If you need the funding, you can take it from that religious ministry. It’s that superstitious mumbo-jumbo that has people believing in imaginary creatures anyway.”
  2. “It most certainly does not!” protests Religious Affairs Minister Anna Dax. “Do you really think our sacred books are full of seven-headed ten-crowned dragons? If you want to find someone to blame, the fault is clearly with those godless fantasy authors and television producers, filling our young people’s heads with rubbish and anti-religious propaganda. We must censor works like that hedonistic Play of Crowns series so they can’t corrupt our children!”
  3. “Okay, so dragons don’t exist... yet,” agrees Minister of Science and Technology Earl Kwan, while poking a strange-looking animal with a cattle prod. “Although with recent advances in biological splicing, who knows? If you allotted a little extra in the budget for science, and eased up on some of those research restrictions, we could start creating all sorts of creatures in our labs. Maybe we could even try a field test of Prototype #42?”
  4. “I’m not sure there’s anything actually wrong with the public believing dragons exist,” muses Minister of Whispers Kendra Rubio, while feeding a flock of little birds. “If you ask me, they’ve been getting a little uppity lately. Remember that protest last week, simply because you wanted to erect your statue in Random Chaos City Square? Let’s start spreading rumours that you really do have dragons - a whole flight of them! They’ll think twice about speaking out over the new tax bill then! Fire and blood!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, unemployed political consultants and advertisers spend every election night weeping for the good old days.

2020-12-09 19:30

How Much Is That Vote in the Window?

After recent elections in Random Chaos, journalists calculated that over eighty percent of the money donated to candidates came from less than a dozen notable corporations. After years of protests about the corruption in the election system, several major voices have finally managed to sneak or bribe their way to your desk.

  1. “How could we let this happen?” moans Debbie Eugenia, spokesperson for Citizens United for Responsible, Sane Elections. “Well, it’s pretty easy,” she says as she shows you a complicated diagram linking various politicians to numerous corporations. “For years our nation’s elections have been subverted by dark chips from unaccountable private donors! You can see the chains of corruption laid out right here - go on, look at the flow chart!” Indeed, there are some prominent politicians’ names on the chart, but you don’t have time to make much of it before she continues. “It’s long past time to put real limits on how much can be donated in an election! ARGH,” she faints after being hit with a tranquilizer dart.
  2. As your staffers drag the unconscious body of the activist away, two activist CEOs known as the Kone Sisters make their case. “Please don’t listen to this wacko,” pleads Carolyn Kone, who donated over a million chips to the mayor of Random Chaos City’s campaign last year. “We need to be able to give freely if we want to truly represent our wealth - I mean, the people’s voice! If anything, we should be thanking the donors for picking the right candidate.” Danielle Kone, who donated to the mayor’s rival last year, interjects. “Maybe we could dip into the government’s coffers to refund their donations to the winning campaign. Think of it as a boon to competition — raising the stakes like that will lead to better business models and better candidates!”
  3. Out of nowhere Hayek Freedman, Professor of Economics and Philosophy at the University of Random Chaos City-Oldtown, falls through your ceiling, then still somehow manages to strut calmly to your desk. “Hold up a minute, Leader. Neither of these lunatics knows what they’re talking about. Allowing such huge campaign donations is incredibly wasteful; the whole economy would be better off without that drain. Yet we can’t deny that indeed, corporations are people, my friend. So how is it we still haven’t given them the right to vote? Economic justice means instead of ‘one person, one vote,’ we say ‘one chip, one vote!’ We’ll just give natural persons AND corporations one vote for each chip they earn every year. If you truly want to hear the voice of the people, not to mention cut way down on tax evasion, then let their wallets speak for them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, decaying farm hamlets have twice the representation of major urban areas.

2020-12-09 13:30

Something Is Rotten in the State of Random Chaos

Random Chaos has hardly changed its electoral constituencies since King Maxbari IV ruled ancient Maxtopia. After a politician was recently elected to represent 3 people and a gambler, people have begun debating the merits of reforming electoral areas, and eliminating the so-called “rotten” constituencies.

  1. “Aren’t we supposed to be a democracy?” shouts political activist Natalie Leach, who has never voted in an election due to living in a town that was an unincorporated bog the last time electoral borders were drawn. “It’s inherently unfair that a tiny burrow of inbred farmers gets as many - or even more - representatives as new and major population centres. The government must redraw the electoral map so each seat is elected by the same number of voters.”
  2. “Isn’t that how we got into this mess in the first place, by drawing up boundaries?” asks Waylon Santiago, the leader of a well-meaning little liberal party that has consistently failed to gain any representation under the current system. “A better idea would be to put an end to the practice of giving seats to different areas, and instead allocate them based on how many votes the parties get nationally. It might lead to complicated coalitions and a risk for complete failure to agree on anything... but at least it will be fair.”
  3. “How dare these people say such things about our electoral system?” accuses Boutros Armstrong, self-styled Knight of the Shire, elected to represent a miniscule cluster of rickety chateaus in western Random Chaos. “We need these constituencies to elect representatives that understand and guard our traditional values. Without them, the government will consist of people with common charisma, but no brains. We could do with rearranging the number of seats each constituency get, however. Just to make sure we elect enough representatives that have a proper understanding of our social order.”
  4. “The right kind of people, yes, hear hear!” agrees Lord Gerry of The Mander, one of your ever-supportive benefactors and campaign donors. “Tradition is grand, splendid in fact. But, election season is nearing, and wouldn’t it be nice with a slightly more favourable demographic composition in the voting districts? I’ve taken the liberty to do a few calculations, and, well, let’s just say that a few pen-strokes goes a long way.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, private pharmacies close down as medicinal drugs are given away freely by the government.

2020-12-09 07:30

Private Lab Holds Random Chaos’s Sick to Ransom

Scientists at a private medical research laboratory have announced that they have produced a drug which will combat Random Chaos’s most notorious malady - Spon Plague.

  1. “This pill is the only known and unknown cure for the Spon Plague!” proclaims Professor Rey Zhu, the inventor of the cure. “But if we are to go ahead with the production of this drug, we must get some government support. We’re set to make a fortune from this drug - the money we earn will help us develop even more cures for other as-yet untreatable diseases. Some people won’t be able to afford it of course, but hard cheese on them: they should have got a paying job while they were still capable.”
  2. “That’s a disgraceful way to think!” says equal rights activist Zeus Fforde. “So the people who need the most help shouldn’t get any? I propose that the government takes over the distribution of all drugs so everyone can benefit from them, rich or not! That way the money-hungry corporations won’t profit from the suffering of the masses. Of course there will be the matter of a small tax rise to fund it - but what’s that when lives will be saved?”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” deplores well-respected religious leader, Conan Mason. “If God didn’t want people to have this disease he wouldn’t have created it in the first place. This is completely against the will of God and if the government allows this drug to go on sale we will all be doomed to an afterlife in a dark and fiery place! Now let’s end this madness and abolish the production of pharmaceuticals and drugs altogether!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Fattest Citizens.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, burning yourself alive is not okay but starving and whipping yourself is fine.

2020-12-09 03:00

Aflame With Indignity

To protest your government’s antagonism towards his religious beliefs, High Priest Shigeru Matsenjwa of the Tranquility of Yellow sat down on a busy street corner this morning, doused himself with fuel, and set himself on fire.

  1. “We have witnessed a martyrdom — but you are responsible for his death!” proclaims the jaundiced Brother Hugo Smithers, whose yellow robes give off the stench of sweat and desperation. “Our temples are being shut down. Our monasteries are looted and ransacked, while our people are beaten for speaking out against it. You must end this persecution of minority religions. We only want to practice our beliefs in peace.”
  2. “Dude! That dude just burned himself to death! He didn’t even move a muscle the whole time!” remarks witness Beth Bone, mouth still agape in shock. “If that’s the sort of thing that adherents of other religions do, maybe the government is right about not supporting their nonsense beliefs. We obviously need way more mental health support and suicide prevention funding to help these people.”
  3. “Let them burn, and we shall clap our hands!” exclaims Frank Nhu, a fervent believer of a major religion. “If more Yellowists want to burn themselves, I’ll provide the matches. But it is clear that they will soon turn their rage outward. Suppressing their ‘religion’ was not enough; it has just incensed them! We must get the heathens before they get us. Now is the time to finally round up all of those who don’t believe the true faith and expel them from our great nation. It will be a new golden age for my... I mean, our religion!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bar brawls are an hourly occurrence.

2020-12-08 19:30

Service With a Snarl

The most recent edition of the prestigious Virtual Planet guidebook has praised Random Chaos for its many treasures, but also noted how rude wait staff, hoteliers, and tour guides tend to be. Perhaps unwisely, you choose to hold a meeting on the topic in a popular restaurant.

  1. “So what if those @#$%!& in some snooty guidebook don’t think we’re nice?” complains your waiter, oblivious to the fact that he stepped on your toes. “I should be able to say and act however the @&*% I want, all the time. That’s freedom of speech, Violet damn it! Being a waiter or ‘public relations’ person doesn’t change that one bit. And if some jerkwad tourists don’t like it, well then they can go right back to where they came from!”
  2. “Hate to be like this, but that guidebook has a point,” reluctantly replies the restaurant’s owner after telling off the waiter. “I’ve seen people stand up and leave after being insulted or shouted at by my staff one too many times. It doesn’t matter how many times I replace them - the problem remains. The government should mandate and pay for proper etiquette training for all employees in the service industry, and allow us to fire those who don’t comply. That way the customers are happy and our places of business don’t get bad reviews.”
  3. “And kill off our nightlife tourism quicker than you can say @#%!” retaliates Sayid Strange, a local connoisseur of exotic drinks. “It’s not our bad attitude that’s the problem, it’s the tourists! If we marketed ourselves as a wild resort country where all the rules of politeness don’t apply, then we could get ourselves a clientele that won’t complain. You gotta loosen up those alcohol laws, I have a mate in West Calypso who’s got some crazy mixtures for us to try.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most believe it doesn't hurt to embrace free trade.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Moralistic Democracy".

2020-12-08 13:30

Back Lash Backlash

The progressive nation of Skandilund is threatening to place trade sanctions on your nation due to their strong stance against interrogative torture.

  1. “It’s nothing against you, Leader. It’s just that we don’t want our nation to be associated with... well, torture,” shivers Mia Blondin de Root, a prim and proper diplomat from Skandilund, glancing suspiciously at the red marks on the hands of one of your aides who scalded themselves on a hot coffee pot. “You understand, don’t you? We trade with you, and we look like we’re endorsing your actions. Of course, if you considered abolishing these medieval practices, then I’m sure we could set this matter aside and even encourage our allies to trade with you.”
  2. “Ouch, sly - that’s an ultimatum,” your aide whispers, as the Skandilunder leaves. “If they’re too soft and touchy to be associated with us, then we should forget about them. Maybe we push for trading more with morally flexible nations like Maxtopia? At least they’re not snobs, like these preachy liberal forest hippies.”
  3. “We could just pretend to end and renounce torture!” exclaims your Minister of Creatively Augmented Interrogations. “All we need to do is hide our activities in an island detention camp somewhere off the coast, torture and interrogate prisoners for answers, and make sure to kill them when we’re done with them! Win-win! We get to trade with everyone, and as long as we keep up with plausible deniability, everyone can look the other way.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the police think a properly conducted criminal investigation is a real pain.

2020-12-08 07:30

Locked Down

Following the capture of suspected terrorist Attila Webster, the Random Chaos Bureau of Investigation was stymied in its investigations by being unable to gain access to the suspect’s smartphone.

  1. “The data on this phone could be critical to saving lives from future terrorist attacks,” growls Bureau Director Han de Vries, staring at the locked-screen wallpaper on the phone, which shows the suspect raising his middle finger. “There may be contacts of other terrorists, bomb locations, secret plots, the works! The only thing standing in our way of beating those terrorist scum is that pesky passcode that Pear Inc. puts on their phones. Oh, and the retinal scan lock. And the fingerprint scan. The law should oblige people to unlock their phones when the police order them to, and smartphone manufacturers should be forced to put a government backdoor into their devices. National security is at risk!”
  2. “We’ve spent decades protecting the privacy of our users by encrypting their data, and breaking that would be a massive breach of people’s right to privacy,” objects the CEO of Pear Inc. Steve Task, putting the finishing touches on a data-collection algorithm for targeted advertising. “The government can’t be trusted — you’ll be spying on whoever you want, even law-abiding citizens. In fact, a back door would make our devices more vulnerable to terrorists and hackers. Besides it’s a basic civil right for crime suspects to not be forced into self-incrimination by the state: you and the police should not be allowed to force Mr. Webster to unlock his phone.”
  3. “The rights of terrorists are over-valued,” mutters Counter Terrorism Officer Jacqueline Bower, picking up a pair of pliers and a vial of acid. “Give me 24 hours with this creep, and I’ll not only have his phone unlocked, I’ll also make sure he’s told us everything he knows.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaosian Intelligence Agency has put 'Project Quantum Refrigerator' on hold indefinitely.

2020-12-08 01:30

Unintelligent Oversight

A review of the national budget has revealed that the Random Chaosian Intelligence Agency has, among other things, been pouring millions of chips into the construction of an “interdimensional time-travelling microwave”. Bewildered at the project, many government officials are accusing the department of wasting their funding.

  1. “What a load of hogwash!” exclaims your Minister of Defense, Alexander Trax, tossing a gelified banana onto your desk. “This is all they have to show for their work! Time travel, multiple dimensions, and super weapons for super soldiers: these are all fine comic book ideas, but utter nonsense for those of us who must live in the real world. It is clear that these ‘intelligence’ agencies have been given far too much freedom to operate. They ought to seek approval from you for all future experimental projects.”
  2. “Of course shut these projects down, but shouldn’t we be talking about the question of accountability to the taxpayer?” snidely asks opposition leader Elena Christensen, entering your office for her daily argument. “It’s probably your fault the Random Chaosian Intelligence Agency is wasting public money in the first place. I propose that all significant financial operations of the RCIA be overseen by an independent watchdog committee. It will be the fairest way to prevent future excesses!”
  3. “Why are we letting an intelligence agency conduct any amount of scientific research?” snarls red-haired Chief Scientist Paris Kurisu, furiously gesticulating over your desk while perilously clutching an open bottle of hydrochloric acid. “Isn’t that what my team is for? If you ask me, you should just cut out the middle man entirely: stop funding the secret missions your intelligence agencies keep asking for and redirect those monies straight to the Random Chaosian scientific community. Besides, it’ll teach these ‘secret agents’ a valuable lesson — keep abusing your funding and you’ll eventually lose it to those of us who can decide what matters most.”
  4. “Hold on a second,” hisses what you could have sworn was just a regular office plant only a moment ago. “It’s me, Agent Nomathemba Putin. I have good word that East Lebatuck has already perfected mind control shampoo AND conditioner. If we want to match this threat, you have to let us do our thing — which would be easier if you stopped breathing down our necks with spurious ‘national budget reports’. It’s time to truly go toe-to-toe with our rivals, one household appliance at a time.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, legal contracts aren't worth the paper they're written on.

2020-12-07 19:30

Contract Killer

A legal battle has recently come to your attention, over a failed repayment of an overdue private debt and the validity of the underlying legal contract. The debtor owes ten thousand chips and under the bond agreement signed, the lender is calling to take a pound of flesh in lieu of payment.

  1. “I deserve to obtain a pound of flesh from that bankrupt fellow over there, as we both willingly signed this bond in the presence of a lawyer,” explains the lender, Mr. Boldkey, matter-of-factly. “The function of the law is to uphold justice, is it not? Exceptions to contracts will weaken confidence in the legal and financial system. Should I not be allowed to take what I am owed and to acquire it from say, his neck?”
  2. “Please spare me, I have a family to look after!” wails the debtor from behind bars. He is promptly silenced by his lawyer, Mr. Balthazar, who in a suspiciously high pitched voice elaborates: “What my client is trying to communicate is that the purpose of the law is to protect the rights of the smallest minority that has ever existed, which is the individual. A judge - or the government - should be able to annul any contract that has an immoral basis. The quality of mercy should be applied now and serve as a benchmark for future cases.”
  3. “Give Boldkey that which is justly his, which is a pound of flesh, nothing more, nothing less!” says Ms. Kwan, a bored looking lawyer. “But due to him not being a licensed agent of the law, he must then be charged with murder, or at least assault, depending on the extent of the injury inflicted. The letter of the law is served, and freedom as well.”
  4. “For this debtor’s life, let justice itself stand accused!” interjects Greta Yanno, famed pedant and interfering busybody. “There is a law mandating measurements made metric, correct? Thus we must conclude, a ‘pound of flesh’ means nothing to the law, and the contract is void. Let precedent be set — without a metric of measure, a promise cannot bind!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Department of Reduction of Bureaucratic Red Tape has set up a working committee to investigate its own excessive paperwork.

2020-12-07 13:30

No, Minister

The recently published memoirs of a retired senior civil servant have caused an uproar with their claims that it is the Civil Service, not the government, that runs the country.

  1. “I’m afraid the book is right,” sighs government Minister Jem Hacker. “It’s been the case for decades that unelected Civil Service clowns are the ones who really run this circus. We make policy, but they twist it and turn us around with tricks and paperwork till they end up doing whatever they want to. Accountability - that’s the key! I suggest that to work for government, you must be democratically elected. This should be true whether you’re a minister or a departmental bureaucrat. Once accountable to the people, the Civil Service will shape up!”
  2. “Not the right approach!” yells gruff union leader Brian Butcher, munching a shortcrust pastry and patting his rounded belly. “Trim the fat from the system, and put money back in the pocket of the working man! Shift a goodly portion of the Civil Service budget into the welfare budget, and you’ll be helpin’ the bloody poor, not the bloody bureaucrats!”
  3. “Shocking, leader, shocking,” murmurs civil servant Humphrey Pearby. “I absolutely agree with you about the Civil Service, and understand your instructions perfectly! I will immediately establish a Department of Civil Service Budget Oversight Committee for the Investigation of Pecuniary Distribution. Leave it to me, I will get the ball rolling, immediately! That is what you are saying isn’t it? Yes, Minister?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, businesses often fire workers in favour of cheaper automatic systems.

2020-12-07 07:30

Robots Leaving Workers Jobless

Amidst a growing level of unemployment, thousands of workers have been fired and then replaced by automatic systems. They have petitioned you to intervene.

  1. “It’s just sickening! Do you know how long it took most of us to get a decent, ‘stable’ job?” shouts Marjorie Grant, president of the Random Chaos Labour Alliance, before dramatically sweeping your personal belongings off your desk. “And now we’re losing our livelihoods to robots so that while our families starve, the corporations get even richer! Don’t let the capitalist pigs blind you! This practice must be banned!”
  2. “Hey, I’ve got a job to keep up too, you know,” says Sipho Mozart, a factory manager. “If I don’t think of new ways of keeping costs down, the investors will go elsewhere. It’s my neck on the line as much as anyone else’s, even if I do have much more money. Besides, it’s business, and no-one ought to be able to say who - or what - I can hire.”
  3. “This could be resolved if instead of replacing workers with machines, we added machines to workers!” enthuses Arnold Tan, CEO of Mondas Ltd. “By replacement of body parts with stronger, better, metal prostheses, we can make the best industrial workers - literally - in the world! Imagine a shelver who can shift whole crates with just one arm! One finger! So let’s hear no more of this deplorable ‘replacing workers with machines’ idea and look to the future!”
  4. “You can’t allow that!” gasps Eve Castro, a manual labourer. “If that happens, only the people with cyber limbs will get jobs! And the corporations will contract you into having the surgery if you want to have one! No thank you! We should ban computers, and go back to the grass roots of industry when all the machines weren’t taking over, and workers were the salt of the earth! Then maybe we’d see a bit more appreciation! And cash!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pareidolic SETI scientists swear there's a message from aliens hidden within pi.

2020-12-07 01:30

A Slice of the Pi

Recently, a tech firm from the United Federation used a network of computers and the latest algorithms to calculate pi to an incredible number of decimal places, smashing the previous world record by several orders of magnitude.

  1. “We can break that United Federation record right here in Random Chaos, I know it!” exclaims excitable mathematician Arnold Bennett, dancing around you with a manic look on his face. “All we need is a great big network of super-computers, with customised software, and a year or two of dedicated runtime. I’ve got some ideas for exciting new formulae that will make Chudnovsky look like a chump. I mean, what could be cooler than mathematics and computer programming?”
  2. “Look, the pursuit of a list of numbers is just academic frippery and posturing,” moans knitwear-clad structural engineer Faith Grossweiner. “Even physicists don’t bother using values of pi to more than 160 decimal places, so there’s no practical purpose here. Government research and academic subsidies should be focused purely on subjects which have real-world applications and a sound case for projected economic or societal benefit. You know, like my underfunded research on drainage applications of composite 3D-printed concrete micro-structures with resin polymer interior scaffolding. It’s really fascinating stuff. Here, I wrote a paper on it...”
  3. “Nerd alert!” yells former high school quarterback turned fry chef Kanye Nagasawa, shoulder barging between the two previous speakers, and knocking them to the ground. “Yeah! Feel that impact! Freight train comin’ through! Y’know, the best thing to do here is not to spend money on all this geek stuff at all. School of hard knocks, that’s the lesson plan these weaklings need!” He demonstrates with his fists.
  4. “Honestly, I’ve never liked pi. It’s just so... irrational,” says Minister of Mathematical Certainty Eddie Goodwin. “Can’t we just legislate so that everybody in Random Chaos uses a Random Chaosian definition of pi? Let’s just say pi is 3.2. I mean, that’s true anyway for a given curvature of space time. Just say 3.2, and leave it at that, eh?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Pinkerton agents are called in to forcibly break up white collar strikes.

2020-12-06 19:30

Suits in Protest

Thousands of business men and women have taken to the streets in protest of their working conditions and pay. “It’s not fair that we can’t have a union,” says Susie Ephron, VP of Sales at SlothCorp. “Just because we make six figures doesn’t mean we don’t deserve overtime too! It’s high time that the lower classes come to appreciate our hard efforts.”

  1. Beyonce MacDonald, secretary of commerce, recommends you ignore these commies. “Free enterprise means not having to succumb to unions, and the world has enough unions already.”
  2. Gabriel Silva, secretary of labor, advises you to adjust laws to allow white-collar unions. “It only makes sense that all of the workers in our nation have an equal opportunity to benefit from the advantages of collective bargaining.”
  3. “Get these people out of the street!” advises Lisbeth Berenstain, local police chief. “They’re blocking traffic, and making it impossible for the common man to get to the megamall!”
  4. Finally, Right Reverend Salvatore Guilliman proclaims, “The downtrodden are suffering at the hands of the MAN, and these wealthy upper shelf vice presidents are asking to make the rich richer and the poor poorer! The only reason the common worker needs a union is to be able to fight against the oppression of these slave drivers! It’s ludicrous that these greedy scrooges are asking for even MORE money! Send them packing and raise taxes on the wealthy to bring more equality to our nation!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mining safety laws are often more expensive than what's being mined.

2020-12-06 13:30

Mine Collapse Rocks Random Chaos

A mine has collapsed in Random Chaos burying hundreds of workers. Calls have been made by the families to tighten up mining safety laws.

  1. “We need tighter laws to protect vulnerable miners!” moans Jadzia Strange, a family member of one of the victims. “The mines are being propped up by twigs, the hard hats might as well be made of polystyrene, and the inspectors are all bribed! New laws must be made and the people responsible for allowing this to happen brought to justice.”
  2. “These allegations are ludicrous and unfounded,” says Ming Butt, CEO of the South Random Chaos Mining Company. “We use the finest twigs to build our mines and the last thing we need is the government tying us down with yet more rules. More safety laws means more expense means less profit and less profit means companies will look elsewhere to get their goods. You should leave us alone before you destroy thousands of jobs - do you really want that on your conscience?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tourists are kicked out if they express interest in their national sport.

2020-12-06 07:30

A Question of Sport

Random Chaos’s football fans were outraged after the nation’s bid to host an important regional competition was rejected. The reason? Random Chaos’s football fields are slightly shorter than the international standard.

  1. Julius Vargas, head of the Football Association of Random Chaos, announced in a press release, “Clearly we’re disappointed by this result. It’s yet more evidence of what we’ve been saying all along - sport in this country is severely underfunded. With more chips from the government, we could start upgrading sporting venues across the country. This would definitely count in our favor when we submit our next bid.”
  2. “You wanna spend my tax money on what?!?” wheezes couch potato Paris Cook while flicking through sport channels. “If sporting associations need more money, why not ask for sponsorship from the private sector, like pizza chains and soda bottlers? Why should my money be used to help a bunch of good-for-nothing kids chase a bit of leather around?”
  3. “There’s nothing wrong with our stadiums!” shouts sports fan Woody Kent, waving a crowd rattle and blowing a vuvuzela. “They’re just the right size for the sports I grew up playing! Why should we change the rules of our national sport just to please a bunch of foreigners? I say we support our team! And play by our own traditional rules! We should get rid of those silly foreign sports and their ‘rules’!”
  4. “They rejected us because of a few feet of grass? That’s crazy!” writes journalist Chip Rifkin. “Sport isn’t about rules, it’s about having fun and getting fit! When we were kids, we could have a great time with just a stick and a couple of rocks - there were no rulebooks or standardized playing fields. We should encourage kids to get out there and have fun; who cares about a few silly rules?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, elementary school students are required to master Bach's Chaconne in D before graduation.

2020-12-06 01:30

A-Major Debate

One of your advisers was caught referring to music education as “non-essential curriculum”. His comment has struck a chord, resulting in a chorus of suggestions for music education reform.

  1. “The notion that music programs are anything less than vital is nothing but treble- I mean trouble!” declares world-famous composer and local middle school orchestra director, Cleveland Holland. “This dissonant discourse not only puts the jobs of hard-working Random Chaosians at risk, but it also threatens the musical futures of our children! The school curriculum must include an emphasis on musical knowledge that all students will be required to participate in. Sure, strings do come attached — it won’t be cheap to buy musical instruments for every boy and girl in Random Chaos — but Random Chaosian musical tradition is on the line here!”
  2. “Now that’s just nonsense!” barks local high school basketball coach Jadzia Ripley. “Students learn far more from any sport than they do from playing little magic flutes. Youth are only properly taught discipline, determination, and decision-making skills from the challenges of playing on a team. As far as I’m concerned we should just save ourselves some money and cut music ed from the curriculum. After all, band geeks’ only purpose is to put people on the sidelines to cheer us on.”
  3. “Maybe the age of traditional music education is on a decrescendo,” states well-known sci-fi author Ming Zhimo. “However, music programs can be saved thanks to science! All that’s needed is a more... electronic approach. It’s clear that electronic instruments and music-mixing computer programs must replace their baroque counterparts. Just imagine this: instead of renting saxophones, students can do it all in the computer labs we already have!”
  4. “That misses the point entirely,” yells famed Drill Sergeant Hardman, while jogging by with a platoon of soldiers belting out military cadences behind him. “The only reason why schools exist is to make loyal, productive citizens out of Random Chaosian children. In this regard, music education has been taught entirely in the wrong key. The curriculum should be revised with the goal of accentuating patriotic values in mind! Students should be required to learn and sing the nation’s praises, including our national anthem!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens who refuse to vote are guillotined.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2020-12-05 19:30

Voter Apathy Rising but No One Cares

Statistics have shown a steady decline in voter turnout in Random Chaos’s latest elections. After numerous requests and finally a cash prize, some individuals have come forward with suggestions as to what should be done.

  1. “No one cares about voting anymore,” sighs Jean-Luc Butler, chief of a watchdog organisation overseeing fair ballots. “Even I only got to my position because my mum’s a member. This is supposed to be a democracy, yet less than a quarter of our population voted for your government! I believe that if we free up methods such as postal and phone voting then the people might actually feel inclined to give their opinions. It beats having to stand for hours in the rain to give a vote they privately feel will make no difference...”
  2. “The easier you make something the less anyone will care about it,” says Catriona Wood, a political scientist with nothing to do. “The only real way to increase voter turnout is to force people to vote. Make it compulsory with executions for those who don’t comply and then we’ll have a true democracy! Sort of.”
  3. “The reason people aren’t voting is because they’re quite happy with how things are,” says Nomathemba Herrelko, lounging in a deck chair. “If people can’t be bothered to vote then why not just do away with the whole thing altogether? Come the next election, just set yourself up as dictator for life and everyone can get back to whatever they’d rather be doing. Now please go away, you’re standing in my rays.”
  4. “I think you’re approaching this the wrong way,” says Andrew Lavelle, the proprietor of UltraCorp-SmithMax Chemicals Inc. “If people can’t get out and about, it’s clearly due to a lack of energy. Our product range includes an ideal solution; we could add POWERTHIRST [TM] to the national water supply! And better yet, it only has a very slight risk of causing zombification or exploding cattle!”
  5. “I, ah..., I think... ah, just do whatever,” says Wei Parker, checking the time again. “I don’t have time for this. Bye!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians cheer the nation's surging death rate.

2020-12-05 13:30

Aging Concerns in Random Chaos

Fears about the aging population in Random Chaos have been raised after it was discovered that nearly a fifth of the population is over 65 years of age. This demographic shift is becoming a serious drain on pension funds everywhere.

  1. “We’re going to run out of working age citizens if we don’t act fast!” warns Steffan Tin, a government statistician. “Birth rates are down, death rates are down, and the amount of budget spent on pensions has doubled in the last twenty years! We need to put an end to this, quickly and without delay: we must get rid of all the people too old to work anymore... well, except for government officials like you and me of course...”
  2. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this!” yells Asok Cheyney, a wizened octogenerian. “We have our rights! What utter rubbish about our pensions; I can hardly survive on the paltry number of chips I get each week. If anything, we should get more money. And after the BILLIONS of workhours I put in for Random Chaos, it’s the least the government could do in return.”
  3. “Well, you know, there is another way,” suggests Carmen Janeway, your sleaziest budget analyst. “To appease the elderly lobby, you could increase the pension fund by cutting the healthcare budget. That way higher death rates will compensate for the more generous pensions. In fact, with fewer pensioners to support, slashing healthcare could be the fastest way to build up a budget surplus.” She smiles menacingly.
  4. “Woah, woah! Talk about hasty decisions here, man,” says Kool Kal, one of your more hip advisors. “Just increase the working age to say... ninety-five years old? Then the number of people eligible for a pension is like, dramatically reduced, man. Why? It’s ‘cos most of them’ll be like, six feet under, dude!” He high-fives you. “Funny, ain’t it, man?”
  5. “There’s no need for anything so controversial,” posits Karl Preisner, Manager of the Department of Leaver Earnings of Wall To Wall Mart. “If our working age population can’t support the pensions our retirees deserve, then clearly we need more workers. There are plenty of talented Maxtopians, Marche Noirians, and Big- well... and lots of Bigtopians too, queueing up to get jobs in this country. If we open our borders to them, we’ll have more than enough taxpayers to support elderly Random Chaosians well into retirement. Everyone’s a winner.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader's handshakes with opposition leaders usually lead to thumb wars.

2020-12-05 07:30

A Motion for Seconds

Today you’ve had a full schedule: meeting lobbyists who want you to name lunch the most important meal of the day, handshaking and congratulating Random Chaos’s gold-medal-winning gamblerball team, and fielding surprisingly piercing questions from a classroom of carefully selected ten-year-olds. It’s been hard for you to attend to the business of state, much less find any time for yourself. It occurs to you that having a deputy leader to help handle the workload might not be such a bad idea.

  1. “Voters don’t discriminate between heads of state or, wait for it, their running mates,” explains Erin Splinter, a rising star within your party. “And we’ll keep winning, so why not have a second-in-command aboard? Someone whose ideology you understand, but who increases your demographic appeal, be they Random Chaosian or Bigtopian. You’re gonna need a right-hand man, or woman.” She kisses a gauntlet of babies on her way out of your office.
  2. “Whaaat?” The leader of the opposition sneezes for emphasis. “Did I miss something here, or are we still a democracy? The runner-up should be the deputy, so they can go watch, oh, rap battles and stuff and get in touch with the little people. Creative dissent is what makes Random Chaos strong!”
  3. “We don’t really need a deputy leader, do we?” muses dedicated method actor Alex Miranda, who boasts an eerie resemblance to you. “Whenever you need to take a break, I’ll go argue about banks or mourn at generals’ funerals.” Miranda adjusts a duelling cane and a pair of glasses. “I think I’ve got your accent down, too! Roll the dice!!”
  4. “As if anyone else in the room could accomplish as much as you,” scoffs your personal assistant, trying not to overload you with your calendar for the next week. “You’ll just have to work nonstop and struggle every second, but that should be no problem for you, Leader! Random Chaos will still be a strong central democracy even if you’re booked day and night.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, religious bigotry and a fear of outsiders have replaced religious studies in schools.

2020-12-05 01:30

A Violet Trojan Horse

Rumors tell that the Order of Violet has infiltrated schools in Random Chaos to brainwash the youngest generations. Fears of Violetist takeover have prompted all other faiths to unite for the first time ever.

  1. “Preposterous!” dismisses Joseph Egan, the head of the Random Chaos City District School Board, while hiding an Order of Violet signet ring. “Our schools are performing well, and the children are merely learning to understand different points of view. The only hatred I see is from the hypocrites and paranoid kooks who have no problems forcing their values on our innocent children.”
  2. “Terrorists! Terrorists everywhere!” shouts Oprah Looney, a controversial and xenophobic politician, who inevitably tries to win every debate by claiming all opposing views equate to supporting terrorism. “Screen all teachers, headmasters, and aides for possible Violetist ties. Force the schools to adopt an unapologetic pro-Random Chaosian curriculum. We all know these Violetists hate everything Random Chaos stands for! Anyone who disagrees is a terrorist-sympathizing, Violetist-loving traitor!”
  3. “That doesn’t go far enough,” claims the leader of The Tranquility of Yellow, an ancient religion that has a just-as-ancient feud with Violetism. “These heretics have been a danger ever since the Grand Schism, and they must be dealt with accordingly. I suggest we start up an inquisition. My people will find these Violetists, and see if they can be converted to our true religion or renounce their faith. Whichever one the government prefers. We’re not picky. If not... the stake. BURN THEM ALL! Or hang them. Just get rid of those creepy Violetists, okay?”
  4. “What are we? Barbarians?” queries popular agnostic speaker Winston Shaw, whose personal motto is ‘Question Everything’. “I don’t see anything wrong with teaching Violetism. Not every Violetist is some crazed wacko, you know. However, schools should teach all different faiths, including non-belief, in a neutral and understanding way in the interest of fairness. If we want to eliminate hatred, the schools are a good place to start.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military training in Random Chaos emphasizes the tactical advantages of stabbing backs.

2020-12-04 19:30

Oiling the Wheels of Diplomacy

The nation of Althaniq is a small autocratic desert monarchy that trades oil to Random Chaos and in turn is almost wholly dependent on Random Chaosian exports. Recently, several nations larger and more powerful than Althaniq have denounced it and introduced punitive trade sanctions and embargoes against them, citing their belief that Althaniq is sheltering and funding terrorist organizations.

  1. “We, your strategic allies and fellow democratic nations, are voicing our disapproval of totalitarian Althaniq,” explains Indira Carey, an ambassador from Brancaland. “You should join us in condemning their pro-terrorist inclinations and imposing a total trade embargo to force them to change their ways. We have considerable evidence showing that they are funding terrorist cells in Brancaland and many other nations, and they’ve probably been secretly undermining your nation too! They must not be trusted!”
  2. “We can’t afford to listen to that old hag,” scoffs your Finance Minister. “Althaniq trade brings considerable prosperity to our economy. I personally... uh, I mean to say we as a nation, make oodles of chips from our exports to them, and our petrochemical-reliant industries benefit massively from their low per-barrel prices. This so-called evidence isn’t proof of guilt, and why is it even our business what our trading partners get up to in their dealings with other nations? In fact, with so many nations embargoing them, we’ll be able to exploit their desperation to demand even lower oil prices. Let’s strengthen trade instead, then sit back and profit.”
  3. “Ignore those weaklings!” yells your Minister of Defense, slamming a knife point-first into the table, and knocking over your coffee pot. “This is a perfect time to invade Althaniq! They’re without friends in the world, and they have all those oil wells that would be so much better in Random Chaosian hands. Hell, we’ve even got military bases inside their national borders already, to use as staging camps. Let’s strike now, before they suspect anything!”
  4. “Has everyone gone out of their minds?” cries your Minister of Underdogs, helping your elderly cleaning lady mop up the spilled coffee. “We should be assisting Althaniq in their time of need, to show that Random Chaos looks after its friends rather than judges them. Leader, you’re a fair person, right? I humbly suggest that you pick up half the tab for any trade goods our exporters sell to Althaniq, and maybe also offer to increase the price we pay for Althaniq oil. That should see them through these troubling times!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Moralistic Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, violently opinionated speakers can be heard preaching their hateful views on every street corner.

2020-12-04 13:30

Sticks and Stones

Nicholas Condor, a prominent Bigtopian activist and soapbox orator, caused quite a stir last week when he publicly called for the complete extermination of the people of Random Chaos, accusing fellow citizens of being ‘sub-human’, ‘immoral’, and ‘really ugly too’. Citizens Against Intolerance, a pressure group aiming to reduce social inequality, has demanded that the government put more resources into combating hate speech. Coincidentally, another society, also called Citizens Against Intolerance, has stood up for Mr Condor, claiming that inhibiting his speeches would be a violation of his right to free speech.

  1. “I can’t believe we’re even debating this,” says Buffy Merkel, who was present at the infamous speech. “Doesn’t it worry you that a man, who would obviously be happier if we all died horrible, painful deaths, is allowed to walk around in public? Let him continue and he’ll cause a riot! Free speech is supposed to protect people! But talking about genocide and killing, well... that doesn’t help anyone. It breaks society. It drives us apart. Hate speech is a very serious crime, Leader. You can’t just ignore it.”
  2. “Words by themselves can’t hurt anyone,” counters George W. Stone, a free speech advocate. “We don’t need to be ‘protected’ from hearing different opinions for goodness’ sake! Oh, what a boring place the world would be if we all had the same thoughts! You can’t punish people for disagreeing with you! That’s crazy! I hate my mother-in-law, but if I told her so and she then tried to stab me with a kitchen knife then the problem is obviously hers - not mine.”
  3. “I agree to an extent,” ventures Mamiko Butler, your Minister of Domestic Security. “But insulting one person is not the same as insulting an entire social grouping. The wrong word in the wrong place and you WILL have violence on the streets: that’s the reality we live in, whether you like it or not. If we want to make any real difference then we need to nudge cultural values in the right direction with government awareness programmes and the like. Educate the masses! Laying down a reactionary law will just fuel resentment in the long run.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Father of the House has been in office just shy of a fortnight.

2020-12-04 07:30

A Matter of Trust

A new survey conducted by private organizations has found out that confidence in Random Chaos’s political system is at an all-time low. Politicians and political think tanks are scrambling to find a solution.

  1. “Isn’t it obvious?” asks Filipe Jordan, host of a political talk show. “Politicians get away with things that would land us regular folk in jail. Corruption, fraud; you name it, they do it - and with no consequences. How about you make it harder for them to get away with their crimes by enforcing tough jail time. Maybe then you’ll earn back the public’s trust.”
  2. “It’s probably because we’re constantly seeing the same people in power over and over again,” argues Lauren Ramirez, a columnist for the Random Chaos Inquirer. “We should shake things up a bit and bring some fresh faces into the political game. Let’s introduce term limits on all public offices. That’ll definitely increase confidence in our political system!”
  3. “I couldn’t help but notice that confidence was particularly lower among women,” notes Sue-Ann Wonka, editor of Bonjour magazine. “It’s time we rid this country of its old boys club by introducing gender quotas. Mandate that women must hold at least 50% of all public offices in Random Chaos; everyone knows women are so much more trustworthy than men.”
  4. “People don’t trust us?” gasps Aaron Ebert, one of your many advisers. “Then it’s time we earned it back! Let’s get out there among the people and show everybody that politicians are just like them! Be totally transparent; personal blogs, documentaries, 24 hour TV shows. Yes, it may cost a bit, but if the public know everything about you, they’ll have to trust you!”
  5. “If the people don’t trust us then we’ll make them,” suggests Ben Longbottom, your military aide-de-camp, slamming his fists on the table. “We’ll just use force and intimidation to win back support. Some may call it brainwashing or terrorism, but I call it love. As a plus, it should be really easy to implement!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, door-to-door salesmen are frequently beaten up by 'vigilantes'.

2020-12-04 01:30

Put the Phone Down on Cold Calling?

A growing group of Random Chaos’s citizens are battling for an end to unrequested solicitations from salesmen.

  1. “This has to stop,” says mild-mannered parent Amelia Harishchandra. “My family can’t even have dinner without being interrupted at least five times by telemarketers or door-to-door salesmen! My privacy is being invaded! The government ought to ban all forms of unrequested solicitations from salespeople. The sanity of the populace is at stake here!”
  2. “This must be a joke,” retorts insurance sales solicitor Dirk O'Brien, in between cold calls. “Telemarketing and door-to-door sales are some of the most effective methods of increasing revenues. Banning them would be a huge blow to business, and put thousands of workers out of their jobs! Let’s face the facts - Random Chaos needs an economy, and banning cold calls isn’t the best of ways to improve it! One way you could improve it would be to, say, give us some government funds. For the sake of Random Chaos, of course.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians bribe ten-year-old geniuses to sit their aptitude tests.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2020-12-03 19:30

OK Stupid

After your Education Minister came in last place at a national spelling bee and your Minister of Defense recently confessed to having never graduated high school, the nation’s more learned citizens have questioned whether or not “uneducated” politicians have the right to govern them.

  1. “Do you honestly want someone who spells violet with an ‘f’ to be in charge of educational policy for our children?” quips Leonard Cooper, often considered to be the smartest man in Random Chaos, after painstakingly choosing the best chair to sit in. “It’s high time we educated folk are treated with some respect around here. I’m tired of seeing these dumb-dumbs in charge when they barely have the intelligence to run a lemonade stand, let alone a country with 1.23 billion people. Therefore, in the interest of preserving this country’s future, we must force all current and future politicians to pass a rigorous intelligence test. Anyone who is not ranked as a genius or higher must be barred from any sort of public office!”
  2. “The complication is that Random Chaos is a vast cesspool of cultural stupidity, not the electioneering and administration of the government,” muses Rosita Blofeld, the head of the Random Chaos City chapter of highbrow society The League of Brainboxes. “Every diurnal course I’m distressed to see simpletons who credit crystals, specters, charlatans, religious superstition, reality television, and other such tomfoolery. If Random Chaos is to convalesce its approbation, the citizenry must partake in more intellectual pursuits: televised chess matches, strategy endeavors, and intense philosophical debates. All other activities and pursuits are frivolous and must be verboten.”
  3. “Me fail grammar? That’s unpossible!” chimes in your easily amused Education Minister Alexandra Pigham while trying to balance a pen on her nose. The Education Minister is quickly pushed aside by your always-angry Defense Minister, who looks like he is about to have an aneurysm. “Who are these nerds and brainiacs to tell us how to run our country? The people voted us in and we ought to respect that. So what if I don’t have some fancy-schmancy diploma? It’s just a piece of paper. Any citizen should be free to run for office, regardless of how smart they are.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rioting during the nation's hosting of ORDER caused one million chips of property damage.

2020-12-03 13:30

Summit Security Spending Stirs Strife

After Random Chaos agreed to host the annual Organization of Really Dominant Economic Regimes (ORDER) summit, opposition parties have slammed the government for planning to spend over a billion chips on security alone. They are demanding an explanation.

  1. Your press secretary speaks on your behalf at a press conference. “In times of terror and uncertainty, it’s imperative we take all necessary precautions. After all, Random Chaos is playing host to the world and has an obligation to provide top-notch security. A small tax hike to keep us and our allies safe is absolutely worth it. After all, these summits always bring out dangerous anarchists. If we don’t arm the police for the worst, a world leader could get shot!”
  2. “A billion chips on security? Outrageous!” exclaims seasoned and radical protester Wei Peters, while recovering from the effects of pepper spray. “No previous host spent nearly that much. This is a summit about strengthening the economy. How does blowing a billion chips on this improve the economy? It doesn’t! That’s money better spent on us, the people! Our tax money should be going to teaching our children better math skills, not buying another taser!”
  3. “What if I told you that you could still have this summit without spending billions or starting riots?” states your cable repairman, Brian Weasley, as he pulls wires out of your wall. “Why not chat with world leaders over the phone? It may not make a good photo-op, but you’ll still be able to discuss policy with every other world leader, and it won’t cost a cent.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prison visits increase substantially during election years.

2020-12-03 07:30

Criminals to Vote?

Following recent elections in Random Chaos where the Equality for Vilified Inmates League won a noticeable percentage of seats, the media have jumped on the issue of whether or not prisoners should be allowed to vote.

  1. “This is absurd!” argues conservative politician, Stella Eliot. “Why should criminals be allowed to participate in elections like normal people? Voting should be a privilege for the law-abiding members of this country. If someone breaks the law, they must lose the right to have a say in who governs them. At the very least it’ll be a good deterrent.”
  2. “You’re not going to listen to that clap-trap I hope,” says noted liberal commentator Belinda Lowe. “Voting is a right that everyone should enjoy, regardless of whether or not they have committed a crime. We already punish those who break our law; restricting one’s ability to vote is a punishment totally disproportionate to any crime!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has begun selling heroin and ecstasy to help fund its projects.

2020-12-03 01:30

Drug Legality Run Amok

After a nine-year-old child died of a heroin overdose yesterday, much of the public is in an uproar over the absence of drug laws in Random Chaos.

  1. “It seems simple to me,” states Quincy Zoidberg, a left-wing television host on CSPAM network, as if it were all too obvious, “Random Chaos needs to regulate the drug trade immediately. Instead of letting the underprivileged waste their life selling crack cocaine on the street corner, the government should be setting up drug stores that tax each drug, as well as handing out pamphlets on their dangers. Think of the money that could further fund our nation’s health and education programs!”
  2. “The government shouldn’t be making money from people’s addictions,” says Jean-Luc Filoni, a conservative congressman known for his public spouts of drunken stupor. “While we all like to get a little toasty from time to time, I believe this is a moral issue. We need to protect our children from becoming addicts! Make drug use legal only for consenting adults so our children can at least have a few years off the grass.”
  3. “I think we got it wrong in the first place!” shouts Cindy Matei angrily from a soapbox in front of a large crowd of protesters. “Instead of turning our great nation into a narco empire, we should be criminalizing drugs once again! Do we want our children wasting their lives away on crippling drug addictions? No! Ban all drugs immediately!”
  4. “Drugs by one name, sacred plants by another,” intones His High Holiness of a major religion, daubing holy oil on your forehead. “The Church has historically used extracts of consecrated substances to open the vistas of piety and bring oneself closer to the Supreme Being. With modern pharmaceutical techniques, we can easily manufacture enough to infuse the water supply of all of Random Chaos, just like we do with fluoride. Is spiritual transcendence a less worthy cause than cavity prevention? I think not.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, scavengers with burlap sacks and shovels skulk around graveyards.

2020-12-02 19:30

A Bone to Pick

Acclaimed yet controversial thespian Diego Johnson elicited shock (and not coincidentally, more than a little publicity) after performing Hamlet with the severed head of his recently deceased uncle taking the role of ‘Yorick’ in lieu of the usual fake skull. A debate has begun over proper respect for human remains, and whether the general public should be allowed to own them.

  1. “DAH-ling, when I play the Oedipal Prince I want your rapt attention!” explains the pretentious actor, shaking his uncle’s left femur at you for emphasis. “Did not the jester’s head held aloft in my hand both capture and captivate your gaze? Was I not momentarily a solitary tableau vivant to behold and admire? A replica would have lacked authenticity, and the Art demands authenticity! Owning human bones should be perfectly legal for all, as should gathering any unclaimed remains. My wondrous panoply of accoutrements is not complete without these fragments of mortality!”
  2. “I agree that owning cadavers should be legal, but it should be restricted solely to members of the medical and scientific community with stringent regulations to establish proper consent and to safeguard the proper use of the remains,” recommends Ranil Quinn, a medical student and keen anatomist. “Human specimens are needed by archaeologists, doctors, transplant surgeons, researchers and the like. Letting a liver rot underground is just a waste.”
  3. “What you people are failing to see is the enormous market gap!” giddily giggles entrepreneur Willow Wong, gesturing and gesticulating at a nearby graveyard. “There’s a fortune of chips here in buried treasure! Let people pre-sell their future remains to forward-thinking companies, or let relatives do the same with the recently deceased, and we can turn cold stiff bodies into cold hard cash! Everybody with any body wins! The bereaved can dry their tears with banknotes, while we make accessories from real human ivory, and handbags from the finest human leather! Hmm... Leader, has anyone ever told you what lovely skin you have?”
  4. “HERESY!” screams Really Revered Reverend Coraline Dvořák, who claims to be an ordained cleric of a religion you’ve never heard of. “Have all of you lost your minds? Do you understand what you are saying? When people die, they must be respectfully buried whole, otherwise in the afterlife they will be fragmented! Would you like to spend all eternity as a pile of loose body parts? I’m sure I wouldn’t! Do you want the restless shades of the dismembered haunting you? I’m sure I don’t! The dead must be allowed rest in peace, not pieces!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, arbitrary election rules are considered sacrosanct.

2020-12-02 13:30

If Your Election Lasts Longer Than Four Weeks...

The next election is drawing near, and over drinks you flippantly mentioned to a few Party loyalists the idea of extending the political season to a whopping sixty-nine days. Upon hearing the plan, your campaign manager immediately passed out from an overwhelming panic attack, fearing the agony of such a long campaign.

  1. “I’m not sure what you hope to gain with this,” gasps Tom McGuffin, your trusted campaign manager, while holding a cold flannel to his forehead. “The Party’s funds can only be stretched so thin, and it’s only a matter of time before one of our candidates does something outrageously stupid that sabotages our reputation. What we need to do is make sure the election dates are fixed, with a fixed length and fixed results... I mean, fixed rules on campaign spending! Once the people see how open and transparent we are, we’ll all be re-elected in a landslide.”
  2. “The longer, the better!” enthuses Akira Stallone, one of your top donors, who is rumored to have made a killing off the Wezeltonian War. “Prolonged election campaigns will bleed the Opposition dry of their campaign funds, while giving us more time to ask for donations and publicize the competition’s scandals. I’m sure some voters will get sick of the incessant ads, but their irritation is my golden opportunity!”
  3. “No! No! I can’t take another election circus!” panics Doris Brown, a refugee from the United Federation. “Where I come from, election season lasts a painful twenty-four months, and the endless mudslinging during debates and advertisements between TV shows are slowly driving everyone insane. Insane I tell you! Please, for the sake of common decency, ban all political campaigns. We’re better off not being constantly bothered by political hacks, anyways.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, democratic debates have been removed from the government.

2020-12-02 07:30

Filibuster Bust-Up

Filibustering, where politicians attempt to keep a debate on new laws going indefinitely, has been plaguing recent attempts to pass bills. Several aged politicians have been orating non-stop throughout three days worth of debating time, stopping any legislation from being passed.

  1. “This sham of a tactic is totally demolishing our ability to accomplish anything!” complains Marina Xiaoping, Minister of Ministries. “Who cares if a few old fossils fail to see reason? The majority of the government clearly wants this legislation to pass! Just set a limit on the time a person can speak for; this really is demeaning to the democratic process!”
  2. While taking a bathroom break before moving on to read aloud from the phonebook, Silvio English states: “It is a great thing for the minority and the oppressed that our system of government allows the filibuster to be utilised to harness the majority! Let the hills, the mountains, and the valleys reverberate with the sounds of our voices! We will not surrender to this repugnant legislation.”
  3. “The filibuster is not enough to protect the minority, since they are too afraid of the tyrannical majority to use it,” says political commentator, Archibald Márquez. “I suggest that all legislation must require a unanimous vote before it can pass. That way, nobody goes away unhappy.”
  4. “Why do we need to debate legislation anyway?” questions Ethel Silk, your Minister of Alternative Solutions, who also happens to be the best friend of your distant cousin. “Everything would be so much more simple if we just decide what to do, and do it. After all, we’re the ones who know what’s best for Random Chaos. If the minority parties want to say something, they can submit it in writing.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Devout.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, depression sinks in after each election when voters realize they are stuck with these people for years.

2020-12-02 01:30

Solving a Dissolving Dilemma

Following several months of political squabbling, there is concern that the incumbent legislature in Random Chaos is no longer able to function efficiently. As a result, some have been questioning if voters should be allowed to dissolve the parliament and call for a new election.

  1. “This government is ridiculously ineffective!” exclaims Leader of the Opposition Avery Kapoor, who appears to have snuck into your office while you were out for lunch. “It’s a well-documented fact that not even members of the majority party are satisfied with the current parliamentary leadership. Citizens should be able to initiate a referendum to dissolve the legislature! Let the people decide what the future of Random Chaos will be.”
  2. “This is obviously an absurd notion,” says Eobard Redwood, the current Minister of the Interior. “Random Chaos has had a regular election schedule for ages, without any major catastrophes since that incident with Mr. Scruffy. There’s no need to muck it up by constantly dissolving parliament. The voters elected us for a full term of office; to serve anything less than that is anti-democratic.”
  3. “If you ask me, the power to dissolve the legislature should only be wielded by our glorious leader,” asserts infamous sycophant Kristy Wynne, the author of 1001 Paeans to Leader. “In the capable hands of such an august personage, this awesome power can be used as a safeguard against those elected crooks in our parliament. I’m confident our supreme protector wouldn’t dare abuse it.” She continues to stare at you in adulation as security escorts her out of your office.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, funeral mourners ridesharing with the deceased are encouraged to sit on the coffin to save room.

2020-12-01 19:30

Gonna Take My Hearse to the Old Town Road

A hundred-car funeral procession happened to be passing by the Random Chaos City stadium just after the final game of the national Gamblerball Cup. The resulting massive traffic jam lasted for the rest of the day and blocked roads in most of downtown Random Chaos City.

  1. “The funeral procession only blocked traffic because rude sports fans weren’t giving them right of way,” complains undertaker ‘Hit-and-Run’ Tom. “If funeral processions were given absolute traffic priority, then the problem would be solved.”
  2. “The funeral was responsible for the traffic!” shouts angry sports fan Bill Trudeau while making threatening gestures with a gamblerball bat. “If they hadn’t been moving at walking pace, there would have been no congestion. They should be expected to drive at the same speed as normal traffic, and there ought to be a maximum of five vehicles in a procession. In fact, if the dead were moved in vans instead of hearses, then nobody would feel the need to treat them differently on the road.”
  3. “It seems to me that the problem is traffic in general,” states your transportation minister while doodling a skull and crossbones on a subway map. “Why don’t you just build public transit systems from the funeral homes to graveyards? Or you could replace the bike holders on buses with coffin holders. Oh, and more buses and trains for living people too, that’s probably a good idea.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy" to "Moralistic Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, favourite sermons have replaced campfire horror stories on teenage wilderness trips.

2020-12-01 14:00

Get Thee Behind Me, Santa

Vociferous celebrity atheist and scientist Professor Albert Finn E. Grinch recently visited a classroom of five-year-olds in the sleepy town of Bahumburg, and caused a stir by telling them that Santa Claus wasn’t real. Needless to say, he’s not too popular right now.

  1. “What sort of monster ruins the magic of childhood like that?” complains mall Santa Archibald Ruiz, as he dispenses free candy canes to your wide-eyed interns. “This was a callous and deliberate attempt to cause unhappiness to little tykes — hell, destroying a child’s wonder borders on child abuse! The law should prosecute rotters like that mean-tempered professor. Miserable toad!”
  2. “Hah, at least I’m not the one perpetuating systemic lies to children!” yells Professor Grinch, thrusting at you a copy of his book No Virginia, There’s No Bearded Man in the Sky. “All you’re teaching them is magical thinking and a tendency towards irrationality and deception. Teach them science and rational thinking instead! In fact, it should be part of the national curriculum to disabuse children of the mystical lies their parents have fed them as quickly as possible. For Truth, Justice and the Random Chaosian Way!”
  3. “I surprise myself by being partially in agreement with my hellbound compatriot here,” comments preacher Gary Ambrose, passing you a leaflet inviting you to attend his house of prayer. “Indeed, pious behaviour forbids idolatry and the worship of false gods. You must forbid the propagation of stories about these magical entities, be they Santa, or Caga Tio, or the Soul Cake Duck. There can be only one true faith, and only the true stories of that singular faith may be spoken, not the fictitious myths of a pagan past!”
  4. “Heh, why is everybody so angry?” asks your brother, popping a dislodged tooth under his pillow in the hope that he’ll get a chip in the morning. “I mean, anyone who doesn’t believe in Santa doesn’t get presents from him, so it’s their loss. I guess you should make a speech reminding everyone in the nation that good folk like you and me would never voice such doubts. In fact, it’d be for everyone’s own good if you banned them from disbelieving in Santa and all the seasonal sprites. You don’t want Random Chaos to end up on the Naughty List, do you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos City's main city thoroughfare has been blocked by a row of leyland cypresses that mysteriously appeared overnight.

2020-12-01 07:30

Regenerative Permaculture Emergence

Guerilla gardening - that is, illegal trespass onto unused or blighted urban land with the express intention of horticultural cultivation - is on the rise in Random Chaos. Activists have in particular focused their campaigns against the properties of the largest and most environmentally destructive corporations.

  1. “This is a protest, dude, to draw attention to the abuse of Mother Earth with ad-hoc environmental entrepreneurship,” explains self-professed eco-agorist Darya Gilbreth, trowel in one hand and manifesto in the other. “We’re taking back the land from those that despoil and destroy, and making life instead. Just turn a blind eye and let the counter-economy address these criminally polluting companies through direct action. Give peas a chance, man!”
  2. “I had just spent millions of chips on clear-cutting that manky old rainforest and putting up a brand new parking lot for my valued customers and employees, when these filthy garden-variety criminals came along. They used jackhammers in the dead of night and tore up my pristine asphalt sea!” explains oppressed big-business executive Ivan Miller, while caressing the spine of an Ayn Bland novel like a pet. “Instead of a beautiful ocean of shiny automobiles on a plain of black tar, there’s now ugly grass, flowers and apple saplings! Arrest these trespassers! In fact, sentence them to hard labour putting things back how they should be.”
  3. “Look, everybody loves broccoli, but we can’t just let people grow food without permission!” notes Moana Stromburg, your Agricultural Minister. “Forget the trespassing: these maniacs are growing runner beans that are sometimes a whole inch longer than industry regulations allow! What this country needs is strict new laws and more agents to enforce them in order to properly regulate this regenerative trend and ensure that any and all gardens being planted are conforming to official standards. These guerrilla farmers can’t be trusted to act responsibly; only through wise cultivation under my agency’s guidance can we properly manage agriculture.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prime picnicking sites are being paved over in the name of progress.

2020-12-01 01:30

This Land Was Made for You and Me

A recent government report revealed that Random Chaos is running out of land for its expanding population. An emergency meeting of your advisors has been called to decide the best course of action.

  1. “The solution is simple and something we should have been doing all along,” states your Minister of the Environment, Jyn Kamen, “We have acres upon acres of land that is tied up in landfills. If we compost, compress, recycle, we can use the newly cleaned land to build eco-friendly housing developments. Yes, it’ll require a lot of funding, and there’s bound to be at least a little residual smell. People won’t be happy about it, but I guarantee they’ll be a damn sight happier than they’d be on the streets!”
  2. “Of course the enviro-nutjob wants to clean up the landfills, but that’s not the issue!” says your Minister of Finance, Nick Reagan. “Why spend all that money fixing up land that already has a purpose when we’ve got plenty of worthless national parks? We could start construction sooner, get people moved in sooner, and fix this problem sooner. We could even use the resources in the parks to furnish the houses. It’d give our timber industry a much-needed boost. I’m sure the hippies will moan about how that’ll destroy a bunch of ‘delicate habitats’, but it’s simply progress, Leader.”
  3. “You’re all not thinking this through!” yells the CEO of Yellowcake Depot, Theresa Wright. “We’ve still got plenty of land. We’ve only used the top of it after all. Let’s expand our cities underground. Look at the perks: there’s plenty of space, they’ll naturally stay at a steady temperature, and — most importantly — think of all the untapped uranium ore down there! Talk about an economic boom! Sure, people might get a little depressed without the sun and there’s always a slight risk of a cave-in, but we’ll send down shrinks, sun lamps, and throw up a few extra buttresses to be safe.”
  4. “I have a much, much more palatable solution,” assures your Minister of Internal Expansion, rubbing his hands together greedily. “Let’s expand our coasts. How do we do that you ask? Simple, we reclaim it from the surrounding seas. All we need to do is build levees and dikes and pump out the water. It’ll take some serious desalinization and a constant, reliable power source to accomplish, but it’ll be worth it in the long run.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the tinfoil-hat crowd also recommend tinfoil wallets.

2020-11-30 19:30

How to Print Money?

An independent study recently estimated that up to ten percent of all physical money in circulation is counterfeit. The Treasury Department are greatly worried, both that the counterfeiters are still at large and that chips could be being severely devalued over time.

  1. “The fake bills just keep coming and coming!” exclaims Velma Weatherhead, your excitable Chancellor of the Treasury, pouring out a suitcase of the counterfeit notes onto your desk. “If we want to stop this, I’ll need a special task force under my direct control, and a free hand to act decisively... With that, I guarantee you we’ll stamp out all forms of counterfeiting within a month. Or maybe two. Or however long it takes!”
  2. “An easier solution would be to implant small RFID-microchips into our notes and coins,” proposes Cassidy Delauter, your Minister of Gadgets, demonstrating a prototype to you. “This would ensure that all genuine money could be immediately verified by handheld scanners. As an extra benefit, it’d be a lot easier to track the movement of cash if we need to.”
  3. “All that glitters is gold, and really that’s all we’ll need to know,” mumbles Hamlet Larkin, a gold magnate. “Wouldn’t it be much simpler if a 1-chip coin was actually worth one chip? If you used gold coins instead, not only would the coins have intrinsic value, but counterfeiting would become profitless and thus non-existent.”
  4. “What a boring, utilitarian solution,” yawns Marjorie Ryan, an uppity artist, who is currently painting a mural on your ceiling. “The correct way should be to issue new notes and coins, and adorn them with elegant and intricate patterns. Not only will they be hard to copy, but they’ll look fabulous as well. Only then will it be difficult for criminals to make a mould.”
  5. “What’s so wrong with individuals making money?” questions a dodgy-looking stranger with ink stains on her hands. “If the government can print money, then why can’t private citizens? It’d stimulate the economy, I reckon, by creating cashflow and hyperinflating the currency, or something like that. Hyperinflation is something good, right? Isn’t that what free market economics means?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader's speeches are beloved by insomniacs.

2020-11-30 13:30

Conventional Wisdom

While planning the party convention for your re-election campaign your advisers have come to disagree on what the overall feeling of the event should be. They have turned to their natural means of making a final decision: bothering you about it.

  1. “One word: fireworks,” states Mia Kapoor, chairwoman of your political party, holding a wickedly thorned rose to the light. “Banal political speeches and rhetorical niceties just aren’t doing anything; the people have grown tired of it all. Come to think of it, I’m sick of it myself, and that’s really saying something. We really ought to put on an honest to goodness show here. Lasers! Music! Celebrity appearances! That should really push us up in the polls—and more importantly, your opponents down.” She bends the rose until the stem snaps.
  2. “By all means, do that,” sarcastically quips your Minister of Finance, Themba Reed. “You can give people all the bread and circuses you want, but when it comes time to follow through, no amount of flash will solve the real deficit: the deficit of trust. Give them the unvarnished truth, and spare them the unnecessary pomp and circumstance. I propose you read off a list of factual bullet points provided by my, and other, departments. For example, did you know that in the last year, no fewer than 39,280 deaths have been attributed to that marshmallow bill you approved a while back? Fascinating!”
  3. “WHAT?!” bellows your Secretary of Defense, Barry Wynne. “Millions of good, decent Random Chaosians are fearful. They face the perils of globalism and an uncertain world order. Now’s our chance to show Random Chaos what a REAL leader does in a time of crisis. Ride into the convention atop a tank, at the spearhead of a full armored vehicle convoy. Mount a three-story tall podium draped in a giant Random Chaosian flag, and promise our people the world!” He pauses for a moment as a vaulting grin creeps up his face. “Literally!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos has taken the radical step of electing its future leaders.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy".

2020-11-30 07:30

If at First You Don’t Succeed...

After a close shave with a rabid gambler, a small group of apparatchiks in grey suits have gathered round the hospital bed in which you are recuperating to discuss the delicate issue of the succession.

  1. “I’m sure we’ll have the benefit of your wise guidance for many years to come, Leader,” says your Chief of Staff Natalia van Dyke, “but just in case the worst should happen, would you mind letting us know who should fill your mighty shoes? Not that such a gargantuan task would be easy, of course.”
  2. “In the event of your unfortunate demise,” suggests your brother as he surreptitiously replaces your recuperative health drink with finest scotch, “Random Chaos will need someone to look up to. Let’s face it, the country is full of wastrels who need a firm hand. That’s why an absolute monarch, with final authority over every aspect of Random Chaosian life, is the answer. After all, such a monarch can always choose the right trusted, older candidate of proven loyalty and ability to succeed them. I think I know just the man...”
  3. “No, you mustn’t!” cries your sister, yanking the scotch from your hand and handing you a grape. “If there is a monarchy, it must be regulated by limits placed by an elected government. That way, the people still get a say in how their country is run, and the person at the top doesn’t get overstressed. Not only that, but think what an unscrupulous person might do given absolute power: bump off loathed relatives, persecute political enemies and even destroy the country.” Noticing your brother grinning at her, she remembers she has something to do and sprints out of the room.
  4. “You know what I think?” declares Waylon Columbus, your chief of security. “All this talk of replacing you is treason, pure and simple! You must eliminate anyone who has even mentioned the succession at once, before they usurp you!”
  5. “I think science might have the solution,” claims your attendant physician Boutros Kennedy, who couldn’t help overhearing the previous conversations. “With adequate funding and the latest medical technologies, my colleagues and I may be able to dramatically increase your lifespan. It’ll mean diverting funds from everyone else’s healthcare, of course, but what value would their insignificant little lives have without you, O Leader, to guide them?”
  6. “Even death need not be the end!” shouts one of your more fervent acolytes before being taken away for a nice lie down in a darkened room. “Why not declare yourself leader in perpetuity? Then we’ll never be without your divine guidance! Think about it. Leader... forever!”
  7. “Er, excuse me,” says your nurse, who has been attending to your intravenous drip and so far remained unnoticed, “but shouldn’t it be up to the people to decide who your successor is?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, "It was only a joke" is no longer a defense for the felony of discrimination.

2020-11-30 01:30

Creative Flowers Withering Under Legislation

Following a record number of affirmative action lawsuits last month relating to TV ethnicity quotas, the creative minds, radio personalities and actors of Random Chaos have to come to your office demanding the government take action.

  1. “It simply won’t do, darling!” opines melodramatic director Manuel Levy, sprawled magnificently across a sofa. “The creative arts simply cannot function without a healthy dash of social criticism. How can fine humor work without the blonde bombshells, bumbling Bigtopians and blustering bureaucrats? And yet I cannot hire them, for fear of discrimination lawsuits. Pah! The government must protect artists’ right to freely choose whom to include - and whom to ridicule - in their work. After all, everyone knows not to take it too seriously...”
  2. “Why should the entertainment industry receive special treatment?” bellows conservative talk-show host, Sashona Schultz. “People should damn well have the freedom to insult or employ whomever they like. That’s a privilege everyone should enjoy, not just a bunch of artsy leftists. What gives the government the right to tell me what I can or cannot say on my show? Besides, what sane man on Earth would hire one of those dodgy Maxtopians?”
  3. “No! You can’t let this happen!” screams actress Susan Simmer, infamous for her dismissal from a hit TV show for being “incredibly ugly”. “Society gets its opinions about what’s acceptable from the TV these days. That’s where we need to be toughest about stamping out discrimination! I say any writer or director who won’t toe the line should be forced into mandatory racial sensitivity training! It’s the only way to prevent decadent backsliding and stamp out racism for the sake of future generations!”
  4. “I believe it’s time for the government to step in and take control,” hisses notoriously shifty advisor, Aphrodite Bakker, stepping out of a shadowy corner. “If we were to hire writers to produce scripts with the “correct” subtexts and broadcast them over state-owned radio and television, we could solve all the problems at hand. We would be employing writers, but - more importantly - we’d be spearheading the development of a fiercely loyal citizenry.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, schoolchildren are arrested for possessing sidewalk chalk without a permit.

2020-11-29 19:30

Criminal Patterns

Led by a club of grandmothers known as the Naughty Knitters, a new street art sensation has begun spreading across the cities of Random Chaos. Called “yarn bombing” by those who partake in it, avid knitters don twee knitted balaclavas and take to the streets at night - covering lampposts, railings, and on one occasion, a parked vehicle with colorful knitted patterns.

  1. “We certainly don’t mean any harm, pet,” exclaims Lucy Iglesias, ringleader of the Naughty Knitters, as she takes your measurements. “We’re just trying to brighten up people’s lives and bring a little cheer! You should be helping us, not punishing us. How about using some of those taxes we’ve all been paying to fund arts and crafts for everyone? My grandkids just love making finger puppets! Now, what color did you want that sweater, dear? I’ve got a nice lilac yarn here somewhere...”
  2. “Street ‘art’ is just a nice way to say anti-social littering in my book,” grunts city mayor Hillary Pong, sporting a well-tailored hypoallergenic suit. “The graffiti is bad enough, but I’ve got people tripping up over strands of yarn all the way down the high street! We should arrest these grandmothers for making our streets such a mess.”
  3. “Arresting a few old ladies isn’t going far enough!” cries your Minister of Urban Planning, angrily brushing off some stray rainbow yarn from the sleeve of her coat. “We have to ban all so-called ‘public artwork’ in order to keep things looking respectable. Furthermore, we should enforce strict regulations on the supply of knitting yarn, painting supplies, and do-it-yourself peg dolly kits, to ensure that such supplies are only available to truly artistically talented citizens of Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, defense lawyers suggestively note to juries how flagrantly happy victims were.

2020-11-29 13:30

The Trans Panic Button

A man picked up a transgender woman at a bar and brought her home, where he subsequently murdered her, beating her to death. In the ensuing court case, his lawyer argued a “trans panic” defense: the shock of realizing he had inadvertently picked up a trans woman sent his client temporarily criminally insane, rendering him irresponsible for his actions. The jury agreed, acquitting him of all charges.

  1. “This is an outrage!” cries the prosecuting attorney Leroy Torres, while slamming the court records on your desk and then writing ‘OUTRAGE’ in big letters with a red sharpie on the first page. “We cannot let defense lawyers play to the prejudices of the juries. Would we tolerate this if it was suggested someone went insane because they picked up a Bigtopian woman? Outlaw the practice of defense lawyers using sexuality and gender identity of the victim as mitigating factors.”
  2. Defense attorney Ruby Cho storms into your office and silently mimes yelling while wildly gesticulating; finally, she actually speaks. “Sorry about that, but you were thinking of taking away my ability to speak freely while defending my clients. My client was already suffering from depression and a thyroid problem and the transgender nature of the victim provides critical context to the defendant’s mental state at the time of the murder. What sort of pertinent information will you outlaw defense attorneys from presenting next? In the end you have to trust juries to decide what’s a legitimate defense argument and what’s not.”
  3. “She kind of has a point,” notes LGBT activist Alina Janssen, while affixing a sticker of a rainbow-colored Random Chaosian flag to your desk. “The problem is that there’s so much latent bias among Random Chaosians that juries fall for this tripe. Ultimately the responsibility for changing things falls on Random Chaosian leaders, which last I checked includes you. Increase LGBT representation in your cabinet and government, sign more laws preventing LGBT discrimination and mandating LGBT hiring, and promote more anti-hate crime legislation. Do what needs to be done to change Random Chaosian hearts and minds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, island residents must resort to canoes and sailboats to get to work.

2020-11-29 07:30

Over, Under or Through?

After recent economic growth, ferry links with the Random Chaos Barrier Islands are struggling to cope under the increasing volume of commuters and cargo.

  1. “A government’s first duty is to its people,” says Shigeru Morris, head of the Random Chaos Highways Agency. “The best way to serve the people is to encourage auto traffic by building bridges. With bridges we can not only serve the residential needs, but the commercial too. True, it will take a few years of construction and there’s bound to be some environmental impact, but that’s the price of progress.”
  2. “Some environmental impact?” questions Angus Taffs, your Minister of the Environment. “More bridges means more traffic, which means more pollution. What we need to do is build a rail tunnel. One train can carry more cargo than many trucks and with my electric train design, it’ll be much more eco-friendly. Of course the government will have to subsidize it to keep the prices reasonable, but the benefit to the environment is worth it.”
  3. “More government involvement isn’t what we need,” says Erica Case, the CEO of Ferry Nice. “We’re in this mess because the government can’t keep up with the times. Let the private sector run these docks, and watch how quickly it turns around. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to raise the limit of how many passengers each boat can take.”
  4. “Halt this at once!” yells Judas Hudson, a pitchfork-wielding island resident. “What about us? Did you ever once stop to ask if the residents wanted all this commotion? Well we don’t! We like our islands nice and quiet just the way Mother Nature made them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, heroes long thought dead are promptly killed upon their return.

2020-11-29 01:30

The Walking, Talking, and Irritated Dead

Seven years ago Oliver King went missing after a yachting accident, and has since been declared officially dead. However, he recently re-emerged and came back to Random Chaos. Despite showing up in person to get his death certificate reversed, he found he could not do so. His mortician has come to complain to you on his behalf, as corpses aren’t allowed in the building.

  1. “It seems silly to me that my corpse... er, I mean patient, is still considered dead,” says Fumiko Navarrete, the mortician of Oliver King, as she pushes a gurney with a covered and very life-like mannequin on it. “If somebody who has been declared dead shows up and gets an examination, the doctor should be able to change their legal status to living.”
  2. The mannequin suddenly sits up, revealing itself to be Lance Thompson, who was also declared legally dead after getting lost in the rain forests of Macronesia ten years ago. “Being dead isn’t all bad, I suppose. There are no taxes, my family got an insurance pay-out... I guess it’s kind of fun to be a ‘zombie’! You should just let me stay legally dead. People like me, who officially ‘don’t exist’, can’t claim any government benefits, so you guys get to save some money too.”
  3. “I may have made a mistake, but after seven years it’s reasonable to presume someone isn’t coming back,” states Rory Chew, the registrar who made the death of Oliver King official. “Of course Oliver is still alive and should be registered as such. Therefore, his family should be made to return their insurance pay-out, and his last will and testament needs to be scrutinized to see if they received any other benefits from his death.”
  4. “You know, maybe Lance Thompson is on to something,” says your Minister of Necromancy, Agatha Jammeh. “Maybe we should create a task force of legally dead people to eliminate dissenters. We can deny their existence easily because they’re all dead, and if anybody tries to blow the lid off it, they’ll just sound like a crackpot who believes children’s stories!”
  5. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ZOMBIE!” screams your young and excitable niece. “KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!” Your sister comes in to try to calm the hysterical girl down, as she shouts over the screaming. “Seriously though, if the government says people are dead, they ought to ensure it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former public radio talk pundits are being deployed to front line war zones.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Father Knows Best State".

2020-11-28 19:30

State of the Media

According to recent surveys conducted by the National Broadcasting Agency, viewership of state media has hit a record low. This has resulted in a wave of officials and state-sponsored journalists seeking your advice on how to improve the situation.

  1. “We could accommodate more alternative views,” proposes Ingrid Pound, a talk show host, speaking with you on live television. “Random Chaosians tend to view our state-approved programmes as blatant government propaganda. If we were to spice up our newspaper opinion columns and interviews with a greater variety of voices, then even the staunchest critics of state media won’t be able to say that we’re biased.”
  2. “I think that it’s a matter of trust,” concedes the head of the Department of Truthiness, while writing a puff piece about your pet gambler. “We shouldn’t cushion our people from the harsh truths of our nation, if that’s what they truly want. Unlike what the national papers say, we don’t actually have full employment or zero crime. We must release every single statistic being tracked in our country, and hope that our citizens can believe in us.”
  3. “The only true solution is to force everyone to watch our shows,” whispers the Minister of Internal Security, handing you a prototype screen. “We should install these modified televisions in every single household. They have built-in microphones and security cameras so that we can keep our citizens under constant surveillance. People who attempt to ignore state media by switching off their televisions will be identified, and taken away for a bit of re-education on how to be a proper citizen.”
  4. “That would be a hideous waste of chips!” objects the State Treasurer, showing you a number of charts that all seem to blend together. “If no one wants to view official media, then they don’t have to. We should scrap the entire thing and let the public come up with their own sources of information and entertainment. The resources could be allocated to somewhere else, like on strengthening our military and funding law enforcement.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, oddly simian-looking religious thugs beat up anyone who suggests humans are related to monkeys.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Father Knows Best State" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2020-11-28 13:30

No Bones About It

A group of religious fanatics have broken into the Random Chaos City Natural History Museum and destroyed a 75 million-year-old Gorgosaurus skeleton - the only one of its kind in Random Chaos.

  1. “Those maniacs! They blew it all up! Damn them!” wails Dr. Alana Grant, pop-palaeontologist and author of the dubiously-researched Tyrannosaurs of the Jurassic, falling to her knees in horror. “Skeletons like this one provide rare and valuable insight about the history of life on our planet. We must do everything we can to stop these fools from destroying important scientific artifacts! Fortify and defend our museums, by violent means if necessary!”
  2. Dr Maurice Zaius, self proclaimed defender of the faith, slams his religion’s holy scrolls down on your desk, smashing your collection of rare ammonites. “These devout believers were doing the work of the Divine! These demon-lizards are fakes, from the depths of damnation! They are fabrications, to promote the ungodly theory that I call EVIL-lution. We should shut down these houses of lies that call themselves museums, and instead create temples that teach only Holy Truth. Sic semper tyrannosaurus!”
  3. Mathematician Yoshi Wynne, wearing a #notallpriests T-shirt, has the decency to look embarrassed by the previous speaker. “I’m thinking the underlying problem here is that followers of science and religion are always taught to be adversarial to each other. Couldn’t we address that instead, with government-sponsored Faith Academies reconciling the scientific method with theological debate? Many of the greatest advancements were historically made by faith-led nations. Shall we see if we can join them?”
  4. “This raises an interesting point,” muses patriotic soldier Victoria Hoskins. “I hear these dinosaurs were gigantic, killer monsters that ate flesh and struck fear into all who opposed them! Forget the bones of the past - you should be resurrecting those beasts to attack the enemies of Random Chaos. Imagine a pack of hungry Velociraptors, tearing apart your terrified foes!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaos Automotive Racing Series draws millions of spectators annually while those near the tracks complain about the noise.

2020-11-28 07:30

Random Chaos’s Racers Growing Fast and Furious

Illegal street racing and racing-related injuries are on the rise, causing many infamous racers to begin rallying for an officially sanctioned racing series and track facilities in order to safely satisfy their need for speed.

  1. “If you don’t let us race on real racetracks, then we’ll just keep running on the roads at night!” says racing fans’ favorite Hermione Kidman, at the wheel of a tricked-out Honda. “Would it kill you guys to build a couple of nice big professional race facilities? Think of the money you’d make on charging admission and selling drinks and stuff! And it’d be a lot safer than all of us tearing around on public roads! Forget about the people griping about the noise pollution!”
  2. “Don’t tell me you plan to cater to these speed freaks!” police officer Mario Ripley comments over coffee and donuts. “Encouraging this sport is only going to increase the street racing problem because all these punks who can’t afford to run the professional circuit are going to want to satisfy their lead feet the way they have been! What we need is more police funding to crack down on these punk hotrodders.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, eight-year-olds can be seen lighting up in public areas.

2020-11-28 01:30

Don’t Puff on Me, Say Non-Smokers

There is a growing call within Random Chaos to abolish smoking in public areas.

  1. “I’m in full support of this motion,” says man on the street Ben Huffington. “I’m sick of being stuck behind smokers, sucking in their pollution! They can light up in the privacy of their own homes, if they want.”
  2. “What’s so special about their homes?” says anti-smoking campaigner Ivan Picard. “The government has a responsibility to stop people from hurting themselves — it’s the same reason we should make them wear seat belts in cars. Sooner or later, they end up in one of Random Chaos’s hospitals, sucking on taxpayer-funded healthcare. Not that that’s why we should ban smoking. We should ban it because we care.”
  3. “Get your hands off my fag!” wheezes long-time smoker Molly Weatherhead. “I’ve been smoking for fifty years and it’s never done me any harm. Helps me concentrate, it does! The government should back off on trying to tell me what I can put into my own body. Telling a smoker he can’t light up in a restaurant is discrimination, pure and simple. If you want to put a stop to unfairness, stop that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, taxi drivers seem less xenophobic these days.

2020-11-27 19:30

The Fast and the Fossilized

In the past few months, there have been a series of high-profile car accidents involving elderly citizens.

  1. “I’ve had it with the elderly!” roars angry motorist Tiberius Barnes, whose car recently lost a wing mirror to a near-blind senior. “It’s high time the government did something about this! Make all the elderly citizens retake their driving tests every five years from age sixty, so that granddad doesn’t go killing someone his old eyes can’t even see!”
  2. “Now you listen here, dearie,” interjects your aged grandmother, who has complained her way past your receptionists and guards. “I didn’t work my stockings off when I was younger just so I could have my rights taken away! Your grandfather fought in a war back in... in... or maybe he didn’t, I can’t remember. Anyway, you’ve got to show some respect for my generation! Do it for Granny, won’t you?”
  3. “Oi, let me talk!” yells Dan Jerrus, a youth who recently drove his hatchback into the back of a sharply-braking nonagenarian’s camper van. “These old crones shouldn’t be allowed on the road, full stop. Just look what they did to my car! You should ban anyone over the age of fifty from driving. Leave the roads to responsible younger people.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, flipping a coin to make a decision leads to a referral to Gambling Addiction Services.

2020-11-27 13:30

Bet Your Life

Aldo Larson, a usually unremarkable 45-year-old sanitation worker, was recently detained after trying to tight-rope walk naked across the canyon between two financial district skyscrapers. It turns out this was for a bet, or more accurately as the price of a wager in an illegal “extreme casino”, where gamblers are allowed and encouraged to offer non-financial stakes. In these places any wager can be agreed, be it body parts, sexual favours or binding agreements.

  1. “I’m a man of integrity; I had to honour the agreed stakes,” enthuses the gambler, shivering in a police cell and seemingly showing no contrition for his foolishness. “Honestly, you need to allow this sort of thing in legal casinos. It’s a real thrill, knowing that the next turn of the card could win you thousands, or could literally cost you your balls.”
  2. “This poor idiot is a victim, both of his own gambling addiction and of the criminal subculture that abuses that dependence to manipulate the weak-minded,” lectures Police Chief Don Sajak, as he posts a notice banning his officers from buying lottery scratchcards. “We need more police officers to crack down on illegal casinos, mental health support to help deal with gambling addiction, and social workers to help deal with the root causes of gambling. Don’t play dice with our nation’s future, Leader.”
  3. “You don’t have to go to either extreme,” says casino owner Kellyanne Andersson. “Rather, there’s a market-based solution here. Make monetary gambling more attractive by making legal casinos more exciting. Loosen the rules restricting addiction-friendly gambling environments. We can then use amphetamine-laced sodas, all night lock-ins, high stakes slot machines and all the other tricks of the trade to optimise our business. Let us addict the customers to proper casinos, and there won’t be any market share for the illegal ones.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, jury duty means front row seats to a spectacular show.

2020-11-27 07:30

Show Trial

Previously untouchable mob boss Buff Tony was recently arrested and charged with numerous offences including extortion, racketeering, and money laundering. Public interest is considerable, and the media are asking to be allowed to televise the proceedings.

  1. “Buff Tony is rumoured to have a long arm, and there are legitimate concerns that the trial will be corrupted,” argues television producer Leela Trudeau. “The judiciary is only just when it is held accountable by the people, but it’s impractical for the wider public to attend court in person. The media is a powerful conduit to the public and should be allowed to film in court to promote fairness and transparency in the judicial system.”
  2. “Allowing the media to film in court will be making a circus out of a serious process,” counters courtroom sketch artist Ronald Clark, as he puts the finishing touches to an unflattering caricature of you. “The parties will inevitably be grandstanding to the TV cameras instead of making a proper case. While I agree that it is in the public interest to allow Random Chaosians to witness and report on court proceedings, filming devices should not be permitted in court.”
  3. “And what about my client’s right to privacy?” asks the lawyer for Buff Tony, surreptitiously sliding a bulging envelope towards you. “Being on trial is distressing enough and shouldn’t be compounded by parasitic journalists publicizing intimate or embarassing details about a defendant. For the sake of decency, the public shouldn’t be allowed to witness, let alone report on, court proceedings.”
  4. “Objection!” yells celebrity attorney Fenix Rong, without making it clear what he is objecting to, but striking a heroic pointing pose as he does so. “Trials should not only be televised, they should be entertaining! Surprise witnesses! Last minute evidence! Shouting at criminals till they break down! That’s what people want to see. Objection, I say, objection!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the newest East Lebatuckese coins have "long live East Lebatuck" on heads and "death to Random Chaos" on tails.

2020-11-27 01:30

Toss the Coin?

A recent financial crisis has seen the currency of East Lebatuck plummet, making that nation a popular holiday destination for Random Chaosians. Some shrewd citizens have discovered that a one lira Lebatuckese coin, worth 0.25 of a chip, has exactly the same size and shape as a one chip coin. Their similarity is fooling vending machines in Random Chaos, giving an effective 75% discount to coin fraudsters.

  1. “If you allow this fraud to continue, I’ll go bankrupt!” yells Montgomery MacIntyre, the owner of the Eckie-Cola Company, emptying his pockets and scattering dozens of East Lebatuckese coins on your desk. “These marauders have come back from holiday and literally plundered our coin-operated vending machines. Leader, you must mint new coins: make them bigger, smaller, rectangular, hexagonal — I don’t care! Just make them different from these!”
  2. “Chips are the symbols of our national pride; you can’t change them!” roars Susie Simpson, a cultural conservative whose clothes pre-date your rule. “If anything needs to be changed, it’s them stupid East Lebatuckese coins that were minted to mimic and thus devalue our currency. Just tell those impertinent counterfeiters to alter their money, or else we will prohibit our citizens from travelling to their country. Let’s see how well they’ll fare without the tourism income we generate.”
  3. “No, no, no, you can’t do that; tourism is precisely the solution to this problem,” states Beyonce Berenstain, a distraught holidaymaker who has just come back from East Lebatuck with shopping bags full of cheap watches and chocolate. “You must remember that the East Lebatuckese lira lost so much value because of their economic crisis, so we tourists are helping to support their economy. Thanks to us, over time, the East Lebatuckese lira will come to be as valuable as the chip and the problem will simply dissipate. If you want to accelerate this process, you can make it easier for us to help them by abolishing duty on all goods bought from East Lebatuck.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, GP clinics are inundated by patients requesting prescriptions for alcohol.

2020-11-26 19:30

“Bring Back Our Booze!” Cry Revellers

Crowds of angrily sober sports fans and university students have petitioned the government to repeal the prohibition of alcohol.

  1. “Banning alcohol was the worst government decision ever made,” says Luna Goldsmith, a former connoisseur of fine wines. “One can only drink grape juice for so long before one gets most awfully tired of it! Our society needs alcohol: it reduces inhibitions, dulls the pains of our modern existence and lets us all have a good time. Yes there are those who abuse it, but that’s their choice. The government needs to start re-issuing liquor licences right away!”
  2. “It’s certainly not the choice of the victims of drink-driving!” retorts police chief Sayid Moore. “Or the families torn apart by alcoholism! Banning it caused huge drops in violence, vehicle accidents and medical costs. How could any sane person want to re-legalise that poison? What we need is more money for the police so we can crack down on criminals smuggling in and selling alcohol and impose heavier penalties.”
  3. “In large amounts alcohol is damaging, but moderate amounts can actually be quite beneficial,” says Dr. Alexei Swallows. “Like many other potentially harmful drugs, alcohol should be available on prescription. Sure, it’ll be more work for health services, but I’m sure we can manage it... with a little extra funding.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gun-wielding gangsters sometimes deal death from as far as ten paces away.

2020-11-26 13:30

Gunman Wounds Three

Today terror struck an antiques show when a would-be seller, unhappy with the price offered for his 200-year-old blunderbuss, decided instead to open fire. Luckily nobody was killed, seeing as the museum piece was wrestled off him during the minute and a half it was taking him to reload, but many are asking how the gun ban was so easily circumvented.

  1. “Look, let’s not be too hasty in drawing conclusions,” says antiques vendor Sarah English, rubbing at the sore patch on her left buttock where a low velocity lead ball left a nasty bruise. “I must confess I was offering an insultingly small pittance for such a piece of history, but I have my own bottom line to look after! I believe that citizens should be able to keep such historic beauties that happen to be family heirlooms from before the ban. They certainly make these car-boot sales much more interesting!”
  2. Security guard Angela Márquez glares at the previous speaker with one remaining eye. “Easy for you to say, that wound isn’t permanent! I knew something suspicious was going to happen as soon as that good for nothing lowlife walked in with that big boomstick. We got rid of the guns for a reason, and this is exactly it! I say we go from house-to-house and confiscate all remaining guns from the populace, no matter their age, legality or functionality!”
  3. “The law as it stands says that old pieces can be kept so long as they are deactivated,” suggests police officer Don Silk, who was hit by a small piece of shrapnel in the middle of his stomach. “The problem here isn’t that the weapon exists, but that it was so easily reactivated. We need to raise standards on how deactivation takes place, to make sure that antique weapons have no chance of being restored to working condition. Make deactivation more thorough, and also ban the sale of the spare weapon parts that make reactivation possible.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military service is compulsory.

2020-11-26 07:30

Military Budgets Up for Approval

The various branches of Random Chaos’s military brought their budget petitions to your attention and, as usual, they are all asking for widespread increases over the rest of the military departments.

  1. “Clearly the army requires the greatest increase in funds this year,” says Field Marshal Vanna Pence. “After all, wars were never won by air or sea and in this dangerous world we must be able to protect the interests of Random Chaos. Currently our men get hand-me-down weapons, rations I wouldn’t feed a pig - the army is increasingly looking like a bad career option and we can’t have that. If we’re going to get recruits, we need more funding to support our brave lads in their duty.”
  2. “Hah! It’s the Navy who needs the money, mate,” says Grand Admiral Cassandra Warner. “The army and the police forces can protect us domestically, but can they protect us from having our foreign trade cut off? Can they protect us from terrorists and pirates? How are the soldiers going to get to the enemy’s borders? Swim? I think not. Fund us, the Navy, the true protectors of Random Chaos!”
  3. “Despite the statements of my colleagues,” says Hack Davenport, Marshal of the Air Force. “The Air Force requires more money than these men playing around with boats. We are increasingly seeing terrorists taking to the air, and more ships or guns are not going to stop that. Our people will only be safe when the Air Force has the power it needs to defend us - and for that we need more funding and more government support for industries geared towards the development of new aircraft.”
  4. “You’re all thinking too small!” exclaims Marin Krustofsky, an avid Star Wars fan. “What we need is more research into the possibilities of space weapons! Big laser cannon and satellites with complete annihilation power! And cool spaceships! Boom! Rat-a-tata! Bang! Bang! It’ll be expensive, sure, but think of the power! THE POWER!”
  5. “It’s simply not good enough!” wails Shinzo Rose, the Minister of Defence. “It’s not about the money - it’s the manpower. Not enough people by far are signing up! All we seem to be getting nowadays are drunks and people who volunteered for a dare. The current conscription laws need to be either more strictly enforced or drastically rewritten. What I propose is a universal draft: everyone capable of pulling a trigger should have a tour of duty in the Army, Navy or Air Force. Only in this way can we ensure the dominance of Random Chaos in the region.”
  6. “The military is a stain on the peace-loving nature of our nation!” cries Apu Abbott, while sporting a Rastafarian hat. “People should be allowed to choose what they do for a living! Conscription is wrong and I don’t see why our tax chips should go to such a despicable cause! The money should be going to more important places - like our pockets!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's poor can be seen scavenging trash bins for used coffee grounds.

2020-11-26 01:30

Has Beans

Irritable but sleepy residents of Random Chaos have been stymied in their attempts to start the day thanks to a sudden and severe shortage of coffee. As the rate of employees sleeping on the job skyrockets, your citizens are drowsily demanding relief.

  1. A mustachioed man calling himself Juan Valdez, seen wearing a sombrero and serape and leading a burro, shows up and makes you an offer. “I can get Random Chaos access to supplies of high quality coffee more than adequate for the caffeinated quaffing needs of your people. Imagine how much more productive workers will be once they’ve had their fix of the brown stuff in the morning. Managers across the nation will thank you.”
  2. “You do know that there are other caffeinated beverages, right?” yawns your visibly tired Finance Minister. “In fact, this could be a boon for the nation’s soft drink companies. Imagine the windfall for Mountain Spew Inc. - not to mention my stock portfolio - if all Random Chaosians have to switch to soft drinks and energy drinks to get their fixes.”
  3. “Switching to soft drinks? Are you out of your drowsy mind?” objects your stunned Health Minister. “This will be horrible for Random Chaos’s health! Do this and you can expect to see diabetes rates skyrocket and obesity grow into a huge problem, pun fully intended. Why not turn everyone on to healthy alternatives, like water? Maybe the government can launch a health initiative to remind people of the benefits of H2O, and make sure that tap water is tested for the finest quality and purity.”
  4. Your wheeling and dealing nephew sidles up to you with a proposition of his own. “Hey, I know some guys who know some guys. They could hook us up with a supply of Wezeltonian beans. With my connections and suitable market restrictions, we could open a chain of government-run coffee houses with a monopoly on the brew. We could charge whatever we wanted!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, debates on whether toilet seats should be left up or down are increasingly commonplace.

2020-11-25 19:30

Leader, Let Your People Go!

Tragedy struck last Friday when police had to be called to a pop concert when the queue for the women’s washroom devolved first into squabbles, then a violent free-for-all, as desperate female fans fought to get to the front.

  1. “Women being forced to wait is... is... just another form of sexism,” complains Fanny Peasmore, a cross-legged concert-goer, with strained emphasis. “By forcing businesses and old stadiums to accommodate more… more… ah, people in women’s washrooms, we can finally realise a fairer, more equal experience at the wash- SPEED IT UP, GRANS, SOME OF US HAVE GOT TO GO!”
  2. “What a load of sh-” starts Billy-Bob Vega, a controversial heavy metal singer, before being interrupted by the concert-goer elbowing her way past him with a desperate look on her face. “Look, if they don’t like having to wait for the loo they can always bring their ‘business’ elsewhere. It’s a free market. Nobody is forcing them folks to go there. One washroom for each gender. Fair is fair if fair is fair, am I right?”
  3. “One washroom is fine, sweeties, but why all this fuss over artificial categories?” asks Mx. Cotchin, looking great in a fetching tuxedo and miniskirt combo. “Just take off the boy and girl signs on the doors, and be gender fluid about where you pass your fluids. Where would you be without me, darling?”
  4. “Oh wow, I really feel for these girls!” says Ganondorf, one of the five singers from boy band ‘The Unattended Gents’, whose pop concert was so tumultuous. “It’s our fault, for sure. I’ve written a song all about how sorry we are, and the gentle massage I’m gonna give those girls to make up for it. But hey, I know how we can fix this. Let’s have every visit to the little lady’s room cost 1 chip, then those queues will be a thing of the past. We can all be happy together, forever.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, programmes of questionable content are shown at peak-hours.

2020-11-25 13:30

Watershed Down?

An anonymous society of ‘cinematic aficionados’ have brought the debate over the proposed disposal of the watershed, the hour after which adult material is allowed to be shown on television, to your attention.

  1. “We don’t need a watershed!” scoffs ‘romantic-movie’ buff, Severus Amin. “I don’t see why I should wait ‘til way past midnight to watch my preferred film genre. It’s high time that parents stopped treating their children like... well, children! If you sugar-coat these kids’ lives, they’ll just end up seeing everything through rose-tinted glasses - and we can’t have a country filled with spoilt brats now, can we?”
  2. “This is an endorsement of bad taste if ever I saw it,” says Ali Garak, a child-care worker. “It’s just wrong to subject children to graphic violence and nudity on afternoon television like this: who knows what it might possess them to do? We’ve all heard stories of kids who have seen some film where someone jumped off a cliff and then gone off to have a shot themselves. We must ban all violent and salacious material from our TV screens. If only to protect the innocence of our progeny!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens complain about a burning sensation after bathing.

2020-11-25 07:30

A Walk in the Park

The Gambler Forest is the largest national park in Random Chaos, but it is rarely visited by Random Chaosians or tourists. Various lobbyists have taken to hassling you about the continued use and purpose of this land.

  1. “Don’t let this poll deceive you; people these days actually yearn for the outdoors,” opines out-of-touch park ranger Vanna Sajak. “We just need to totally revamp this park and all the rest of our national forests, campsites, and visitor centers while we’re at it. We’ll start by adding the necessities like luxury cabins, souvenirs, and trees you can drive through! By the time we’re done, people who visit our parks will be able to tell the difference between a Brancalandian noir cedar and a Random Chaosian black cedar!”
  2. “What? And waste all that valuable raw material?” barks your Minister of Land Development, Cassandra Anderson. “I’m sure that there are plenty of nations out there that would kill to use our wood to build something. And once the wood is gone, we dig for gold! I just know it’s there somewhere beneath all that tree-covered wasteland. Never mind all that environmental hoopla about polluted water tables; I’m sure you could start giving out filters to the public and they’ll all be fine.”
  3. “I have an... alternative solution,” whispers your Minister of Alternative Solutions, Ayn Contra. “We could use the park to stage international training operations for our allies. I’m sure Marche Blanche would love our aid in developing ‘defensive strategies’ against Marche Noire, and I hear they are willing to pay big chips for the help. We can even keep the park open to the public to show that nothing shady or nefarious is going on. That’s a win-win-win in my book!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Primitive.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, when you fly on Air Random Chaos you win a seat or you die.

2020-11-25 01:30

Come Fly With Me?

A recent Air Random Chaos flight departing from Random Chaos City Airport was overbooked, resulting in the violent removal of a passenger. After legal scholars were unable to find any clear consensus about passenger rights within the nation’s existing laws, you have been dragged in to make a decision.

  1. “Now look here,” says Judas Meier, the injured passenger, speaking to reporters from his hospital bed. “I paid top chip for that seat, and yet those horrible police officers thought I should be dragged off the plane just because the airline hadn’t properly planned for the amount of people who would want to fly that day. It’s unfair. I say that if we pay for a ticket, we should be allowed to fly on the airplane. It’s that simple.”
  2. “But we do plan!” sputters Paris Stewart, Chief Operations Officer of Air Random Chaos, as she strides into your office without an appointment and knocks your transportation advisor out of his seat. “Virtually every flight has cancellations and no-shows to balance out the overbooking. We just had an abnormal influx of passengers for that particular flight. Yes, we also needed to put a few of our own employees on the flight, but that’s completely irrelevant. I say that we should be allowed to throw passengers off the plane if we have to - and if they won’t go willingly, they should have to deal with the consequences.”
  3. “Why do we even have airplanes in the first place?” asks elderly protestor Wolfgang Burton, waving a “Just Plane Stupid” banner. “Airplanes are noisy, polluting monstrosities that are prone to frequent maintenance delays and flight cancellations. I say we should get rid of airplanes and invest in public transport... by which I mean domesticating the gambler and teaching people to ride them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, international trade is a sticky issue.

2020-11-24 19:30

Tariff-ic Trouble

After Brancaland announced an increase in tariffs on all goods imported from abroad, several other countries retaliated by doing the same thing to Brancalandian goods. They now expect a response from Random Chaos.

  1. “Let’s just do what everyone else is doing and increase tariffs on Brancalandian imports,” suggests your Trade Minister, Moff Wiggum. “The Brancs profit greatly from exporting iron, copper, and other raw materials to us. Once we cut into their margins, I’m sure they’ll see sense and reconsider their own tariff increase.”
  2. “If we raise tariffs as well, that will surely increase the cost of goods for consumers!” panics Stephanie Drake, your Economic Advisor. “We need to work with the Brancalandians, not against them. So we should actually lower tariffs in an attempt to get them to buy more from us; once they see that we’re giving them a fair deal, they might even lower their tariffs for us. They get to trade more goods, we get to trade more goods, and the average Random Chaosian reaps the savings. Everyone wins!”
  3. “Why pay the extra tariffs?” asks General Bella Levy. “Hell, why pay for anything when we can just threaten Brancaland with a couple of gunboats in their harbors? The rest of the international community may not like it, but we can cut them a deal on maple syrup or something.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the new biography of Leader is subtitled "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Hate the Bomb".

2020-11-24 13:30

The End Was Nigh

48 hours ago, Lieutenant Colonel William Bone of the Random Chaosian Air Defence Force received a nuclear missile detection alert advising him that an ICBM from the hostile nation of Blackacre was inbound for Random Chaos City. According to military protocol, he should have reported this immediately, which would have led to a nuclear counter-strike. However, he suspected a false alarm, and did not alert anyone of his findings until later. Subsequent investigations showed that the system had actually detected a red balloon.

  1. “William saved the world from apocalypse!” sings Mrs. Bone, his doting mother. “Had he reported this, we would all now be radioactive ash! He should be lauded as a hero, and a saviour of the world’s future! Speaking of the future, you should really put more tax money into malfunction detection training and overhauling the equipment. If my little angel isn’t on duty and something like this happens again, who knows what might happen?”
  2. “Sure, let’s reward him for not doing his job,” sneers your Minister of Propaganda. “We’d become an international laughingstock. Instead, we must pretend this never happened, and William Bone must be demoted and appropriately disciplined for breaking protocol.” He leans forward to whisper in your ear. “We’ll probably need to do something about his mother, too.”
  3. “The fact that we’re always on the verge of nuclear apocalypse is a real problem here,” suggests Caesar Han, pacifist author of nonfiction paperback Nukes: What Are They Good For?. “We must get rid of all of our weapons of mass destruction, so we can avoid, you know, destroying the world.”
  4. “Hey, what idiot put a red balloon up there?” asks globophobe Willy Denbrough, who had a bad experience with a clown back in 1986. “They’re a waste of helium and are just useless nasty things. If we ban balloons, we’ll be sure this problem won’t arise again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is frequently held to ransom by the increasing demands of bloodthirsty pirates.

2020-11-24 07:30

Jolly Roger Sighted Off the Port Bow!

The merchant navy of Random Chaos has seen increasing attacks from swashbuckling pirates in recent months, devastating the nation’s foreign trade.

  1. “We should blow them out of the water!” says First Lord Admiral Mia Martin. “These waterlogged vagabonds have been plundering our ships for far too long! All our exports from the Tourism industry are going straight into their hands! It’s downright dangerous for us to let this continue! All we require is some funding for coastal patrol boats, fleet carriers, and nuclear submarines and a free hand to show these freebooters what’s what.”
  2. “Hello,” says a grog-swilling, peg-legged scurvy dog entering your office. “I’m Thomas Smiley, a mighty pirate. I’d like to suggest that instead of wasting all that money on attacking pirates you simply buy them off with barrels of bullion, jewels and Maxtopian gold! There’ll still be pirates around, sure, but as long as everyone’s paid off, they won’t hinder your trade. Not much anyway.”
  3. “That’s the second biggest load of bilge I’ve ever seen!” says Captain Grapnel, CFO of Hispaniola Shipping Insurance, LLC. “Shiver me timbers, if these scurvy dogs don’t be cutting into me profit margin! Me comprehensive coverage has to pay out for victims o’ illegality, and of course theft be illegal in this country, bu’ that be giving me an idea - what if we were to have privateers? That is to say, if ye were to make piracy legal but with a quota o’ sorts, like huntin’? That way me and mine can stay in business and ye can get a fine cut o’ th’ booty from licence fees! Savvy?”
  4. “Come now, that’s hardly fair,” argues ‘gentleman pirate’ Taupebeard de Gauche with a bow and flourish. “There is an ancient tradition of actively redistributing wealth on the high seas, and we active redistributors serve an important role in the global economy. You would not keep a family-run bookstore from handing down its business from generation to generation, would you? We simply ask, nay, demand the same right! And get rid of the word ‘pirate’. It’s a slur. We are corsairs - not common sea-faring thugs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Harry Potter books are banned.

2020-11-24 01:30

Harry Potter Censorship Row

The latest “Harry Potter” book to hit schools across Random Chaos has stirred up the greatest controversy yet.

  1. “I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding,” says religious leader Grace Pavlov. “Now that’s just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it.”
  2. Teachers union President Llywelyn Wall says, “Come on, the book is fantasy! And it’s a damn good read. I’d like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from religious wackos, like Christians.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, facial disfigurement is a leading cause of supervillainy.

2020-11-23 19:30

My Milkshake Brings All the Chips to the Yard

Thanks to a timely mastectomy performed by the Random Chaosian health care system, your trusted aide Kira Ripoli has survived cancer and received a clean bill of health. In preparing to return to work, however, she has been caught flat-footed.

  1. “How can I face the world without constantly reminding people that my eyes are up here?” asks Ripoli. “In order for both my mental and physical health to be restored, I must have access to reconstructive surgery! I mean, my breasts were small and humble, and hardly mountainous, but they were mine, you know? The hospitals took me apart — they can darn well put me back together!”
  2. “This case seems clear-cut to me,” agrees ambitious anesthesiologist Rosalia Hansen. “But it’s not enough to restore what illness has taken. We have the technology to remove wrinkles from the elderly, shave weight off the obese, even adjust the corneas of people who keep forgetting their glasses! Our hospitals must treat every case of cosmetic surgery, so our population can look and feel their best.”
  3. “I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller,” bemoans the uncoordinated Agnes O. “But you know what? I don’t ask the public to pay for height augmentation. Random Chaosian health care should only be used for urgent medical conditions, not elective surgeries. If Kira doesn’t like the way she looks, she could have just paid for her own boob job.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teenagers stay out into the wee hours of the morning "stargazing".

2020-11-23 13:30

Space Spectacular Sours Small Stargazers

After the recent, well publicized collision of the comet Maxima with Mars, the National Association of Adolescent Astronomers has demanded a meeting with you over the national curfew requiring all citizens to be in their houses by sundown.

  1. “It’s outrageous!” screams NAAA President Cho Watterson, “How are we supposed to study the night sky if our own government won’t let us stay out past six? Do you know how many other astronomical wonders we’ve missed because we can’t go outside? This curfew is suffocating our sense of wonder and stifling our curiosity. Is that what you want, Leader, a nation of un-inquisitive drones? You must see reason and repeal this curfew.”
  2. “You aren’t seriously considering this, are you?” asks Random Chaos City’s Chief of Police Harry Dax, “Since we implemented this curfew, youth-related crime has plummeted! What other government intervention has that kind of success rate? The elderly no longer live in fear of being mugged by teenage hooligans. Mailboxes stand majestically unmolested. Look, I’m sorry these rapscallions can’t look at supernovas and what not, but the numbers don’t lie. If a few extra-curricular activities have to suffer to make the streets safer, then so be it.”
  3. “Now, now, surely the two sides can strike some sort of compromise,” says noted radio talk show host Matilda Kwan, “Considering the statistics, you can’t repeal the curfew altogether, but these kids raise a good point: the current curfew is far too draconian. What you should do is establish an official channel to request permission to stay out after dark. That way those who have legitimate reasons can be out after dark, and the crime rate won’t rise. Quite an elegant solution if I do say so myself. True, it will require a slight tax increase, but you can’t please everyone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, seats at the back of the bus are reserved for homosexuals.

2020-11-23 07:30

Let Them Eat Rainbow Cake!

When high-profile lesbian celebrity Ellen Lynch was asked to leave popular establishment The Random Chaos City Diner, it was made clear to her that this was because she was dining with her lesbian partner. The restaurant owners refused to serve the homosexual couple, citing a conflict with their religious beliefs. This isn’t the first time something like this has been flagged by the press, but Lynch is keen to make some noise.

  1. “I have the right to my values!” shouts Ruby Giono, the diner owner. “My grandfather, who opened this restaurant 50 years ago, was a man of faith. This faith gave him his love of family values and family dining. He believed homosexuality to be degenerate and sinful! I’m not saying that these people can’t sin in their own homes, but must I sit there watching them commit unholy acts in my business? What about my freedom to express religious belief? What about my economic rights as a business owner?”
  2. “We remain a minority whose voice never gets heard!” exclaims Ellen Lynch, on her nationally syndicated talk show. “It is my hope that the government enforces protection of LGBT individuals in these kinds of situations by forcing businesses to serve anyone, regardless of their sexuality. Religious bigotry has no place at our tables!”
  3. The Deputy Mayor of Random Chaos City, Akira Mitchell strides in, dashingly pink trench coat flapping in the breeze behind him. “The mayor won’t like this, but if we want Random Chaos to be a prestigious and progressive nation on the world stage, we’ve got to go even further! To cater for... that is to protect the rights of the gay community, we should establish zones in each restaurant or other service industry venture that are reserved exclusively for gay and lesbian people. Think of our standing in the international gay community! Think of the tourism! We’d be a shining beacon for gay culture!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teenagers sit around on their butts all day.

2020-11-23 01:30

A Duty to Serve

Community service programs are becoming increasingly popular in private schools across Random Chaos. Now, parents have proposed implementing a similar program in state-funded high schools and middle schools, where students must complete ten hours of community service per year to graduate.

  1. “My son sits around on his butt all day. I think it would be good for him to get out and help the community,” says Magnus Gilbreth, bustling into your office while the teenage boy trudging behind him rolls his eyes. “Not only will it help people in need, it will also give the students a chance to be a part of their community and a proud citizen of Random Chaos.”
  2. “Hey, man, we don’t have time to do community service when we spend the whole day on schoolwork and studying,” his son tells you. “Chill out with the long school days and maybe we’ll have more time to contribute to the community on our own.”
  3. Your cousin, who just stopped by to bring you cookies, pipes in. “I think community service programs are a great idea. Ten hours a year isn’t that much time, but it can change a lot if enough people are doing it. There’s no reason to limit it to students — just think of what we could do for the country if every able-bodied adult had to pitch in too!”
  4. “Are you kidding me!” Sasha Miller, CEO of NAT-U-RAL Co., shouts from the window of her limousine. “I don’t have time to go out and pick up trash. I’m doing the world a service by supplying the world with abundant amounts of natural gas! Surely that counts as community service. In fact, these kids could ‘volunteer’ at my plant — if you don’t mind, of course.” She slowly rolls her window up before driving off.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it takes months to get the proper permits for a child's first tricycle.

2020-11-22 19:30

Licensing Driving Random Chaosians Crazy

Your cousin arrived at your office this afternoon, out of breath and deeply frustrated at having to spend day after day filling out forms, only to wait for six hours in a queue to register for another appointment to receive his 27B/6 form to finalize his registration and legally drive the sweet new ride he bought six weeks ago. You’ve agreed, after some persuasion, to hold a meeting with your Minister of Transportation and other experts to look into streamlining the process.

  1. “It’s very important that we get all this information from drivers,” explains Herschel Wagner, your Minister of Transportation. “We have to make absolutely sure that our roads are safe, that all drivers are properly licensed, and that cars reported stolen are easily identified. If that means a bit of extra paperwork, so be it. Increase our budget for staff and we’ll be able to expedite the registration process.”
  2. “I have a radical idea,” announces Melania Cullen, the CEO of Random Chaos’s largest automobile manufacturer. “Simply license car dealerships to handle these processes for consumers! We can fill out all the necessary insurance paperwork for car owners, and even issue driving permits! The DMV is only slow because it has no competition. If dealerships can compete with one another for the best service, buying and registering a new car won’t be such a frustrating ordeal!”
  3. “Licenses? We don’t need no stinkin’ licenses!” exclaims a scruffy-looking man who took a wrong turn and wandered into your meeting. “Why should the government have any say in who can and can’t drive? Get rid of permits, licenses, traffic cops, borders, barriers, speed limits, road laws, and identification plates, and just let people live their lives!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prison reforms have replaced communal luaus with communal loos.

2020-11-22 13:30

The Life of Riley

A recent TV documentary revealed that some prisoners are living the high life while incarcerated. For those that can afford it, almost anything can be bought inside jails, including extended living space, state-of-the-art TVs, fridges, air-conditioning and even original works of art.

  1. “How long have prison governors been allowing these illegal transactions to take place?” rages Barbara Yossef, Minister of Prisons, engaging in the time-honoured tradition of politicians not taking responsibility for their own departments. “Prison should be a punishment, not a holiday! We must crack down on everyone who has been abusing the system. Donate all their luxury goods to charity and transfer them back into the prison’s general population, where they can share a cell with ten other people. Any prison officer that is found to have colluded with these inmates should be fired immediately!”
  2. “The problem is the low wages of prison officers,” declares Warden Fahd Falopian, as he gives an inmate a sandalwood oil back massage. “Our meagre salaries mean that officers will do anything to supplement it. We have families to take care of, and bills to pay. How else could I have bought a second home if I hadn’t had had a little ‘help’ from the more affluent detainees? Increase our pay and I’m sure we’ll be inclined to conduct our duty much more professionally.”
  3. “Let’s not be hasty,” says Elsa Mann, an ex-minister of yours who was jailed for corruption, speaking to you from her prison cell via a private video-link. “Is this really so bad? I have become accustomed to a certain level of living and there’s no fair reason why I should be denied the chance to spend my private wealth simply because of my incarceration. Besides, all this is good for the economy, isn’t it? Just make the whole arrangement legal and official, and whole new retail markets will open up.” She turns to an officer standing behind her. “Officer, could you be a darling and get me a new mahogany dresser? Here’s a bundle of cash, buy your lady a new dress while you’re out!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the average commuter spends four hours a day driving to and from work.

2020-11-22 07:30

Need for Speed?

After watching the movie ‘The Fast and the Belligerent’, boy racers from all over Random Chaos have been petitioning for the abolition of speed limits.

  1. “Today’s cars are safer at high speeds than ever before,” argues Lars McClaine, editor of Sports Car Monthly. “And long-distance commuters are tired of spending hours on the road just to get to the next city. Abolishing the speed limit would be great for the economy too! People would be more likely to go out and buy cars if they thought they’d be able to use them properly. It seems like such a shame to be puttering along at the speed limit in a magnificent car like the 450HP twin-turbo Gambler SX/T-7700 you know.”
  2. “Are you crazy?” cries Rosalina Sorin, a road-accident victim. “We need lower speed limits on automobiles, not higher. You might as well enforce mandatory blindfolds on the road too, it’ll come to the same conclusion! People’s lives are at stake here! If people were made to drive at, say, no faster than fifty kilometres per hour, I would feel a lot happier walking the streets. Besides, if it takes a long time to get places via car then people might begin using mass transit for once.”
  3. “I think the current speed limits are fine, but we need better enforcement,” says Agnieszka Bradbury, the most feared traffic warden in Random Chaos. “If we required GPS tracking devices in all vehicles, we’d ticket every single speeder, no problem. In addition, we could monitor the movements of criminals and other suspicious individuals, and vastly reduce the risk of crime, terrorism, and other subversive activity. Some say that’s an invasion of privacy, but if you’ve done nothing wrong what’s there to fear?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, professionals are ready to retire by the time they receive permission to use their credentials.

2020-11-22 01:30

All Systems Post-Nominal

After several avoidable deaths were blamed on the incompetent medical advice of “Manuel Riker MD”, an individual operating from a shady office on the outskirts of Random Chaos City, investigation revealed that he was using the letters MD without possessing a medical license, nor indeed any form of qualification.

  1. “I never lied to anybody!” wheedles the accused individual over the phone, from the bunker where he has gone into hiding. “I never said I was a Medical Doctor, and I didn’t post any signs calling my office a clinic. In fact, obviously, the initials stand for Managing Director. I merely gave advice to whomever happened to come by, and they paid me for my wisdom! Is it a crime to be wrong? Whatever happened to free speech?”
  2. “My diagnosis: misuse of post-nominal letters. The prescription: board certification!” pontificates Doctor Sashona Zahm, president of the Random Chaos Medical Association, while scribbling illegibly in a notepad. “There are professional associations for nearly all reputable occupations: MDs, CPAs, even the lawyers with their cute little ‘Esq.’ title! You must require that an individual be certified by a proper professional association before using any kind of letters after their name, for the public’s sake.”
  3. “I agree that we need credentialing, but the government ought to handle it,” opines Anne-Marie Farnsworth, your Deputy Minister for Expanding Bureaucracy. “Can we really trust private groups to handle membership fairly? That’s just begging for corruption and nepotism. We’ll set standards that will be the same all across Random Chaos, and the paper trail we create — signed in triplicate and filed appropriately — will ensure we know exactly who is allowed to call themselves what!”
  4. “Occupational titles?” asks your protocol assistant, straightening his cravat. “Oh no, what the government needs is some new titles of its own, to recognize citizens that have served us well! Imagine — the Leader Medal of Freedom! The Random Chaos Legion of Merit! Maybe even bring back knighthoods and earldoms and duchies? That’s how you show some appreciation! Those are the only post-nominals that should be allowed, and the only ones that matter!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the only Maxxmas gift frontline troops receive from officers is a bullet with the enemy's name on it.

2020-11-21 19:30

Once Upon a Time

On the night before Maxxmas, and the day of as well, national headlines had a story to tell. Between North and South Palisade, the endless war grew dire, but — for a couple of days — the two sides ceased fire. On the land that a mere day ago had been shelled, a jolly game of football was held, but as your army had joined in the merriment, it became quite an issue for your national parliament.

  1. “How could they do this? What could this mean?” your Minister of War shouts and screams. “The thought of our soldiers getting along with North Palisade! This was their opportunity to launch a foray! Forget about the reason, this is an act of treason, and war is a battle that should be fought, not played. Our national pride is now at stake, and letting this slide would be a mistake. The consequence for befriending a rival: a homecoming soldier should be arrested ‘pon arrival. Let it be declared — from coast to coast — fraternising with foes is what we hate most.”
  2. “But Maxxmas is the most wonderful time of the year,” cries General Song, shedding a tear. “Our soldiers fight day and night without rest, killing people and living in fear and distress. The sacred tradition of peace amongst all is something that unites nations, both great and small. Forget about the victory we could have had if we fought. It’d be best if every Maxxmas we ceased fire on the spot!”
  3. “Maxxmas is a stupid holiday with an equally stupid tradition.” You look up in dismay to find the infamous Krampus S. Grinchen. “Give a gift this and peace on Earth that! I could pick better names than Maxxmas out of a hat!” He finally mutters after a ghastly tirade, “Banning it would be the first decent decision you’ve ever made.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens frequently duel to decide who gets to go for jury duty.

2020-11-21 13:30

Duel Purposes

You are having an early morning discussion with your Finance Minister about Maxtopia’s recently enacted sheep tariffs when a sword-wielding maniac jumps into your field of view.

  1. “Hello, my name is Count Mount Crystal,” monologues the saber-brandishing hooligan, who seems rather familiar for some reason. “I was given a life sentence for false charges of high treason. I lost my wealth, property, and custody of my children while in prison. However, I managed to escape, and I am here to settle a score. Prepare to die!”
  2. “Excuse us, ‘Count’, but we were in the middle of a discussion of national importance!” fumes your Finance Minister, trying to shoo the miscreant away. “This just demonstrates the uncouth nature of conflicts being settled by two people waving big sticks at one another. We should ban dueling of any sort, have disputes once again settled via the legal process, return to our riveting discussion, and avoid entertaining this cretin.”
  3. “How undignified!” reprimands Rick Lewis, an economic advisor, tut-tutting at the entire scene. “Why must we insist on solving disagreements through violence? Instead, how about a nice game of chess? Don’t ban dueling altogether, just make it take a more intellectual form.”
  4. “All of you are ignoring the big picture!” exclaims Yui Schultz, a legal consultant. “This clearly indicates that our judicial system is in need of a major overhaul. If we allow juries again, judicial oversight would be a thing of the past, and malicious malefactors like him would receive a fair trial and wouldn’t be knocking upon your door and threatening you in the hot light of morning.”
  5. Several security guards burst forcefully into your office, almost destroying your front door in the process, as the ‘Count’ ducks behind a pillar. “We are deeply sorry for our failure to protect you!” apologizes Dana Baldwin, Head of Security, grabbing your arm and hastily leading you out of the room. “Clearly, allowing dueling to solve political disputes will quickly deplete us of all our leaders and politicians, including you. You just have to ban people from challenging politicians to duels, and call it a day.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every spring railroad foundations erode to reveal human remains.

2020-11-21 07:30

The Path Less Traveled

While Random Chaos’s northern ports bustle with trade during the summer time, this flurry of activity freezes to a standstill at the onset of winter when thick sheets of ice form over the frigid waters. This seasonal impasse both severely limits economic productivity and makes resupply of the region difficult.

  1. “Leader, we have a brilliant opportunity!” excitedly cheers Ryan Wagner, the mayor of one of the cities. “Imagine, our city, a front to the world in both summer and winter. All we need to do is develop and deploy a whole fleet of state-of-the-art icebreakers the likes of which the world has never seen before! I can just picture it now: hundreds of ships, thousands of tourists, and millions of chips worth of goods coming from across the globe to my port... err, Random Chaos.”
  2. “Why spend money on expensive icebreakers when good old-fashioned railroads can do the work year round?” questions infamous rail tycoon Cecil Vanderbilt, as his assistant places a model train on your desk. “Invest in my company and ease some health and safety standards, and my men can build and maintain the tracks for a pittance. Full steam ahead! Choo choo!”
  3. “Why don’t we just stockpile before winter?” asks Al Cruz, an advocate of human hibernation. “We bring in everything we need in autumn and don’t worry about nothin’ in winter. You can help defray the cost of our survival by funding winter fuel allowances and cold weather food supplies for the poorest in the area.”
  4. “I have ze perfect solution,” announces crazed crackpot climatologist Efthamia King. “Mein data shows zat ze ice is ziner each passing year due in part to global varming. Now, vhy don’t ve just hurry it up by pumping ze atmosphere full of more chlorofluorocarbon? All zis ice will go bye-bye in under a decade! How cool vould zat be? Vell, not cool, you know... zere’d be no ice.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bilingual Random Chaosians are viewed with suspicion.

2020-11-21 01:30

On the Fence

At the start of the Marche Noire Civil War, Kendall Hawkins moved her family to the relative safety of Random Chaos. She stayed behind so that she could wind down her engineering business and make sure the children in the orphanage she ran all made it to safety. Her plan to rejoin her family was thwarted, however, when you instituted the immigration ban.

  1. “The pain this poor woman has gone through is astounding!” claims the author of the article that made Kendall a national story. “This woman had to escape death camps in Marche Noire and the blazing sun in Althaniq in search of freedom, only to be separated from her family by you. Whatever their nationality, we shouldn’t be a country that divides families. Lift the ban on immigration!”
  2. “Random Chaos shouldn’t divide families, no,” remarks nationalist politician Pete Osborne, while munching on a piece of Willy Wenko’s best chocolate. “However, we must fight to maintain our national identity, and immigration will only undermine this. Let’s re-unite the families of people like Kendall Hawkins - by sending them and their families back to wherever it is they came from!”
  3. “Well, this is quite the dilemma, isn’t it?” interjects Violet Vargas, your Minister of Finding Loopholes, looking up from a copy of the latest tax plan. “We don’t like immigrants, but we can’t be the nation that divides families, and we shouldn’t deport people who came here legally. I’ve got it! Let’s allow immigration, but only to the relatives of citizens.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's leader is normally just referred to as "snuggle-wuggle-huggy-bear".

2020-11-20 19:30

Match Made in Heaven?

Beautiful, blonde, and bisexual, the 25-year-old tennis player Angus Pournikova is perhaps better known for his modelling work and stunning smile than for the speed of his serves. In a recent TV interview, he was asked who his ideal lover would be. To your surprise, he named you, Leader.

  1. “Publicity seeking pervert!” yells TV evangelist Dickens Manhole. “Uh... Angus, that is, not you, dear leader! Righteousness compels you to denounce him, to denounce his sinful promiscuity, his bisexual deviance, and his depraved sexual past!”
  2. “If you’re game for a match, you could be set for a serious popularity boost,” suggests Erica Jackman, the grinning chat show host who conducted the now notorious interview. “Doesn’t matter if he’s your preferred type, or what your availability is, or even what your gender preference is - the name of the game here is playing to the crowd. Let’s do a televised one-on-one with some spin and we’ll make you both look smashing!”
  3. “Oh he is my favourite! I’d love to show him MY Gran Willy,” says Reginald, your lewd elderly uncle, wiping the steam from his spectacle lenses. “Sure, he’s just courting publicity, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take the break. Give him a front page picture with you at a movie premiere, and in return he can make a racket with you down the line. Hey, it’s the world’s oldest profession!”
  4. “This exhibition is distracting from serious politics,” complains Palutena Whitlam, your grey-suited Minister of Revenues. “Just laugh off the whole thing as a joke, and use the camera time to talk about important issues, like your proposition to reallocate roles from the Working Tax Auditors to the Association of Tax Pre-assessment. After all, things like insurance breaks, junior exempts and pre-qualifiers are what interests the population, not yawn-worthy old tennis.”
  5. “Okay, so the media, the public and everyone else is labelling him a publicity-hound and saying this is all about exposure,” observes gossip columnist Wolfgang Doe from Not Bad Magazine, “but don’t you want to consider the possibility that he’s for real? Why not take him seriously, and woo him sincerely? You never know, this might be the start of something really beautiful!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the consumption of vegetables is illegal.

2020-11-20 13:30

No More Broccoli, Beg Meat-Eaters

As more people succumb to nutrient-deficiency ailments such as anaemia and kwashiorkor there are increasing calls to have compulsory vegetarianism repealed.

  1. “Humans are omnivores; we need meat!” says Montgomery Miller, nutritionist and former butcher. “Every day I come across malnourished children; an entire generation stunted in both body and mind by an idiotic government policy. We need to stop crying about animal cruelty and environmental degradation and start thinking about human welfare. Life is cruel. Get over it.”
  2. “They’re not malnourished, they’re just ignorant idiots!” rants Sun Stuckmann, nutritionist and former animal liberationist. “Do you really expect the average Joe to know anything about vitamins and nutrition? You don’t just get protein or iron in red meat and if we could make this clearer to everyone with a nationwide ‘Getting to Terms with Vegetarianism’ programme so the populace learns how to eat healthily we would see a difference. Besides, meat-eating is a waste of resources, cruel to animals, and a drain on the environment. We must maintain our ban on meat-eating, and, moreover, outlaw all other animal-derivative products such as eggs, milk and honey.”
  3. “That’s it, I’ve had enough with these smug leaf-eaters!” says Beverly Cage, while tucking into an illegally imported steak. “I bet it’d really wipe the grins of self-satisfaction off their faces if we made meat-eating compulsory and banned vegetarianism! How’d you like that, eh? The thing these rabbits can’t get into their head is that people LIKE meat. Who’re you or anybody to say we shouldn’t enjoy what we can while we can? Life is too short to worry about the feelings or rights of dumb animals! Down with veggies!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's considered a civil right to be allowed to neglect and mistreat your own children.

2020-11-20 07:30

In Loco Parentis

When separated dad Moff Castro put his daughter Elsa on the train, he made sure her mum knew the correct time and platform at which the child was due to arrive. He also arranged for a babysitter to travel with the tot, given that she was only two years old. Controversially, the babysitter was his son, himself only seven years of age. A train conductor noted both children travelling alone, and intervened by calling the police and social services.

  1. “The only ****ing problem here is the ****ing train conductor ****ing interfering where he wasn’t ****ing wanted,” complains Stephanie Phillips, the mother of the two children, as she thrusts a sippy-cup containing Eckie-Cola at her resisting daughter. “We’ve been doing it this way for two ****ing years, and never had any ****ing problems. How about the government, the police, social services and all you other nosy ****s keep out of how we choose to deal with OUR ****ing children?”
  2. “This is about child safety!” exclaims Zelda Weatherhead, the train conductor. “I mean, we actually have a reasonably priced service where we offer supervision to unattended children. What sort of lousy parent puts a seven-year-old in charge of a two-year-old? Frankly, if parents are too lazy to use the provisions, they shouldn’t be allowed to raise kids at all. You should invest in Child Protection Services, and extend their powers to take children into safe, governmental care when they’re being neglected by incompetent parents.”
  3. “If I might interject?” interrupts Ben, the seven-year-old boy at the centre of the saga, as he changes his sister’s nappy. “Clearly capability varies from child to child, but some of us are obviously more advanced than others. While I accept a priori that adults are responsible for safeguarding the wellbeing of children, I think there’s room for flexibility in the interpretation of adulthood. Posit: Can we institute a formal test, to be applied for at any age, that is legally required to prove capacity to act in loco parentis? I’ve been reading up on the legal ins-and-outs, and it seems like a straightforward enough possibility. I’d be happy to help you draft something.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Subsidized Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, street crime is on the rise as police officers spend most of their time in prisons.

2020-11-20 01:30

Jailhouses Rocked!

A controversial concert at the nation’s largest penitentiary headlined by guitarist Ronnie Chip went awry after he began playing his newest song, ‘Random Chaos City Prison Blues’. Buoyed by the anti-establishment message, the inmates became increasingly rowdy, resulting in a massive cell block riot. Inmates across the country have followed suit, with nationwide prison riots plunging the system into chaos.

  1. “Random Chaosian prison guards need immediate support!” gasps Miley Johannsen, head of the Random Chaosian Department of Corrections. “We’re being completely overrun! There’s no way we can contain these riots with our current personnel numbers! I don’t care if you need to take police off the streets: if something isn’t done, we’re going to have multiple prison breaks on our hands!”
  2. “That won’t be enough!” booms General Tobias Quimby, entering your office with a firing squad behind him. “We can’t afford to hold back. At this point, these inmates should be considered enemy combatants… and will be dealt with extreme prejudice. Soldiers are waiting at the ready. Just give the order.”
  3. “My engineers have you covered,” confidently advertises Bharatendu Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff, founder of the start-up tech firm Optical Experiments. “The nation’s correctional facilities are long overdue for an upgrade. With proper surveillance, automated sentries, high-grade lasers, et cetera, that pesky human factor will be swiftly eliminated. In more ways than one, of course.”
  4. “A non-violent solution is still perfectly attainable,” beams Gertie Duterte, head of a parental watchdog group. “If that detestable musician had never thought to poke the gambler’s nest, none of these riots would have occurred in the first place. That type of music is too much trouble for its own good, wouldn’t you agree? If their inspiration is removed, inmate riots will naturally lose motivation.”
  5. “Perhaps y’all should have listened to the concerns of these inmates,” sarcastically ponders Ronnie Chip, having been taken in for questioning. “That prison was a powder keg. Something was gonna happen. I just happened to be the spark. It’s never too late to make a difference. Sit down with both sides, and shut up and listen. Let these inmates’ voices be heard and let them control the conversation for a change.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, after every storm there's an expensive government-funded rainbow.

2020-11-19 19:30

The Melting Point

The thousand-year-old Gamblerfoot Glacier, located in northern Random Chaos, served as a natural dam for the Gambler Lake. Yesterday it broke open, causing the lake’s contents to rush out into the valley below, destroying the downstream ecosystem and a nearby town.

  1. “This disaster is just another example of how human-accelerated climate change is destroying the natural world!” exclaims environmental activist Alfred Freeman, slowly heating up in anger. “Cars, factories, and excessive flatulence cause glaciers like the Gamblerfoot to melt prematurely! Soon, these beauties will be all but gone. Leader, you have to do something — speeches, environmental regulations, anything to stop the rising temperatures! Every person in Random Chaos has to know the consequences of their carelessness!”
  2. “Oh get out of here you whining hippy!” grumbles Ellie McGhee as she pushes her way into the room. “My town was flooded and my swimming pool was destroyed in this disaster. People may go homeless for who knows how long! Violet’s sake, your first priority should be to us, the average Random Chaosian, not some nonsense tree-loving wacko! Ensure that our tax chips are going right back towards rebuilding affected homes and businesses.”
  3. “It’s your own fault that you built a town smack-dab in the center of a potential flood pathway,” sighs self-described “preventionist” Johann Stallone as he emerges from the floor in mining gear. “Since we don’t allow dams in this nation, all areas within a seventeen-mile proximity of a glacier are in danger of flooding! Really, most of Random Chaos is vulnerable to some watery hazard, like the giant waterfall only a few miles from Random Chaos City. Let’s build dikes, dams, and drainage channels until all of the water is safely contained behind our man-made barriers. I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a map for you.” He shows you a map with an uncountable number of marks on it. “See here, here, here and here...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, vegetarianism is compulsory.

2020-11-19 13:30

Animal Liberation Front Strikes Again

The increasingly militant Animal Liberation Front struck again last night, freeing dozens of chickens bound for delicious snack packs.

  1. “These nuts have got to be stopped,” demands concerned consumer Genghis Putin. “They need to face the fact people want snack packs, no matter how many innocent chickens must be sacrificed. Besides, chickens would do the same to us if they had the chance.”
  2. “These Liberationists are highlighting an important issue,” pleads Mamiko Winters. “Too often, animals are put through needless cruelty, just to make their flesh taste a little more deliciously succulent. I’m sure we could ban the more horrific abuses without putting too much of a dent in our national obesity figures. Couldn’t we?”
  3. “Animals have feelings too!” yells protestor Severus Dunn, before being set upon by hungry passers-by. “Free the animals! Ban meat-eating!”
  4. Economist Ali Lincoln has an alternative. “You don’t need to take away the people’s right to choose. You just need to build the costs of animal suffering into the price. A tax on meat-eating, in proportion to the amount of cruelty involved, would do the trick. Plus think of the benefit for the national coffers! Of course, poor people wouldn’t be able to afford meat, but that’s just more incentive for them to get jobs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dreams of replicator technology have been dashed following a ban on 3D printers.

2020-11-19 07:30

The Prints and the Slaughter

The nation was in shock today after a shooting left dozens dead in downtown Random Chaos City. After the shooter was arrested, a search of his home revealed that the guns were manufactured by a 3D printer, thrusting the use of the devices into the limelight.

  1. “These newfangled printers are making it easy for crooks to get their hands on guns!” complains Random Chaos City Police Chief Julius Yeltsin, showing you pictures of the armory the shooter had amassed. “I say we ban these dangerous machines, and give the police force a free hand to confiscate any device or materials that can be used to manufacture gun parts. We must reinforce our zero tolerance gun policy and remind our citizens that no guns keeps them safe.”
  2. “What’s stopping citizens from getting the printers or guns on the black market?” asks Patty Evans, a former gun lobbyist who was injured in the attack. “Gun control is impossible with today’s technology. If I still had my gun, I wouldn’t have a bullet lodged in my shoulder blade. You should legalise guns and let us defend ourselves, and let us use printed guns if that’s our preference.”
  3. “Legalising guns would be anarchy in the streets!” reminds the CEO of electronics giant Pear. “However, 3D printers are quite versatile and useful. I hear some countries are using 3D printers to manufacture artificial organs. Imagine how many lives that would save! All it would take is some generous government funding, and some police oversight, to make sure that this technology is used to help people, not to kill them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government subsidizes everything from particle physics to fabric softeners.

2020-11-19 01:30

Defending Patent Pending

Pear Industries, one of Random Chaos’s largest consumer electronics companies, wishes to bring a lawsuit against a small technology firm for making use of a piece of electronics they developed. The smaller firm is imploring the government to maintain its recent anti-copyright laws, which they claim legally extend to patents.

  1. “Patents are simply a tool for large companies to abuse entrepreneurs and the consumer!” argues small-time inventor and part-time champagne socialist, Wolfgang Fellow. “They use their huge legal departments to muscle out any smaller company that might ‘pose a threat’. The government’s ban of patents gave us all access to the advances those fat-cats have been sitting on all these years. You want to throw that all away so some guy can add a few more zeros to the end of his bank account?”
  2. “My team poured years of research and millions of chips into developing this component,” claims Pear’s dressed-down CEO, Steve Tasks. “It’s our blood, sweat and tears that led to this breakthrough. You must allow companies greater claim over their discoveries. We need patents. We need copyrights. They are the incentive that keeps inventors inventing. Respect patents and reinstate copyrights or research will come to a stand-still, and our country will become a technological backwater devoid of any semblance of innovation.”
  3. “The only thing that’s clear from this is that SCIENCE isn’t getting enough funding,” grumbles eminent, if notoriously disaffected, physicist Charles Marshall. “The only reason we have to spend so much effort protecting our discoveries is because we’re so worried about where our next paycheck is coming from. If the government opened up its coffers to eager scientists, this whole debate would simply go away. Not to mention that government could lay claim to any particularly intriguing discoveries...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, astronauts take one small step for Random Chaos and one giant step backward from confrontation.

2020-11-18 19:30

Mooning the Flag

After their successful moon landing, Dàguó astronauts have removed your nation’s flag from the satellite’s rocky surface and replaced it with their own.

  1. “Damn Dàguó doofuses, dropping in where they’re not wanted!” complains border control officer Luke Haggard, attempting to find the landing site through a small telescope. “Give us the say-so and we’ll put out a warrant for these vandals! If Dàguó doesn’t extradite them, we’ll just have to prosecute them in absentia.”
  2. “How can you expect one lonely flag to survive undefended?” wonders astronaut Sasha Nimoy. “We need a more permanent base on the moon to keep these Dàguó latecomers out. All it’ll take is a few chips, lots of oxygen, and an electric fence.”
  3. “Do you realize how much that would cost the taxpayer?” panics business executive Anna Trudeau, as she props her feet up on your desk. “Subsidize private businesses to further refine space weaponry, and we can deliver a much more efficient approach. A missile or two should remove the pesky Dàguó flag.”
  4. “H-h-hold on, Leader,” stutters Doug Clark, your Minister of Cowardice. “Don’t we have more than enough problems to handle on our own planet? You should publicly congratulate Dàguó on their technological breakthroughs, and politely ask their ambassador for the flag back.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has declared its commitment to multilateralism.

2020-11-18 13:30

The Empire Strikes First?

Reports indicate that several neighbouring nations are engaged in major weapons programs in contravention of international law and treaty, focusing public discourse on Random Chaos’s foreign policy—specifically, its position on preemptive strikes.

  1. “We need to respond to these terrorist scumbags!” roars General Sierra O, turning a slightly alarming shade of purple. “I say we announce any illegal weapons program will be treated as an act of war! The risk of harsh words turning into an endless conflict that mires our troops in far-off lands for years at a time is a small price to pay for national security! If you don’t act now, these foreigners will think they can push us around forever! They must be taught a lesson, for the good of the Free Land!”
  2. Diplomatic bureaucrat Ashley Underwood remarks calmly, “There’s no need to go off half-cocked. It would be much better if we used an appropriate international body—the World Assembly, say, or a The Hatrackia tribunal—to investigate these rumours objectively for us. That way we have the international community on our side, and no one can accuse us of playing judge and jury. It will be well worth the extra diplomatic costs and bureaucratic red tape.”
  3. Noted pacifist and tambourine artist Elmo Cockburn replies, “As usual, our nation’s proud leaders can only see violent solutions to our problems abroad. Wouldn’t it be refreshing if they focused on achieving peace through communication and accommodation, rather than force of arms? You may call me a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, autarky's deemed malarkey as foreign bric-a-brac's brought back.

2020-11-18 07:30

The Silicon Curtain

Microshaft Windoors, a common operating system used on computers throughout Random Chaos, is a well-known export from the United Federation. Since the national policy of self-sufficiency was instated, this has become a problem as, unfortunately, there is currently no viable alternative made in Random Chaos that people can use.

  1. Anna van de Berg, CEO of Random Chaos’s largest technology company, hands you a 300-page plan filled with incomprehensible computer jargon. “I propose that you let us write our own operating system from scratch. Just give us some large subsidies and a few weeks and we can develop a new set of software that is not only Random Chaosian, but also has a more elegant architecture.”
  2. “I doubt that a quality operating system can be made from scratch in a only few weeks; it’ll take years!” squeals tech-savvy bon vivant Doug Collins. “And we can’t just wait several years for you to develop a new operating system. It’ll cripple our economy! And I want the latest releases! Just let us use foreign software on our computers if we want to. Say, I also miss those United Federation cartoons... In fact, why don’t you just end this ‘self-sufficiency’ policy entirely?”
  3. “It is clear that it is most convenient to use already-existing software, even though it may not be made in Random Chaos,” suggests computer hacker Kendall Kelly. “But it is also in the interest of the state to maintain the image of perfect self-sufficiency, no exceptions. Well, there is a lot of publicly available code from the Sprinux operating system that we can use. We just need to put all of that code together, remove the branding, and pretend that we wrote it. This all can be prepared in just a few months! Sure, when we’re found out, we might be accused of plagiarism and intellectual property theft, but at least we will not have officially betrayed our values.”
  4. One of your oldest advisors suddenly opines after defenestrating a computer: “Back in my day, we had a prosperous economy without any computers. Those devices just make the citizens desire things that are outside Random Chaos, not good for autarky. And it seems that trying to shoehorn software into our autarky is more trouble than it’s worth, so let’s just ban computers altogether and then there won’t be a problem. Anything for autarky!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens simply have to point a weapon at a government official to get what they want.

2020-11-18 01:30

Leader Assassinated... Almost

As you very well know, a stranger with a pistol made an attempt on your life but moments ago while you were out on your lunch break. An emergency meeting has been called right here in the middle of the street after the would-be assassin disappeared over a nearby grassy knoll.

  1. “Oh dear! Oh dearie me, that was so rude!” coos your personal assistant, adjusting your tie. “You’ll just have to prove to the citizens of Random Chaos that you are a good and benevolent leader, and don’t deserve to be brutally shot in the head! The only way to keep you safe is to make the public like you! Do something nice for them! Might I suggest a nice tax cut?”
  2. “What makes you think it’s a member of the general public behind this?” asks your Head of Security, Stefanie Barnes. “It’s more likely to be the work of some underground separatist group trying to remove you from power! We’ve let them have their protests and their rallies and their free speech, and now they’ve taken it to the next level! We should be cracking down on this insolence instead of rewarding it! Show the people what happens to those who dare to question your authority. You’ve got to remind them that you, Leader, are their Lord and Master!”
  3. “Whoa there! Let’s not be too hasty, bruv!” says law-abiding citizen, Barbie Gonzalez, casually walking up to you and flinging an arm around your shoulder. “This sort of thing wouldn’t be a problem at all if you just beefed up your personal security a bit. You could hire a few extra bodyguards and get yourself a shiny new armoured car! Nobody could touch you!”
  4. “Hah! Like that will work!” snorts Finn Morris, Minister of Waste Disposal and Sanitation. “They’ll just come after the rest of us and destroy the government from the bottom up! No, we need to go even further - reinforce the Parliament! We’ll turn Random Chaos City into an impenetrable fortress! Robot bodyguards, food tasters... no expense should be spared! We should all do our jobs through a complex network of computers so we never have to leave the safety of our offices again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there is a law against "filthy foreign food".

2020-11-17 19:30

Embargoed In

A coalition of economically powerful nations have made headlines by installing an embargo against Random Chaos, citing the nation’s weapons of mass destruction program as “alarmingly large and detrimental to world peace.” It is predicted that serious damage to the economy may be imminent, with particular emphasis laid on the loss of trade in agricultural produce between Random Chaos and these countries.

  1. “This is an outrage!” yells Mary Kamen, CEO of Megafruit Imports, kicking over a crate of unexported and slightly rotten-looking Random Chaosian kumquats in rage. “So what if Random Chaos might have stepped on a few toes here and there? All we’re guilty of is being a strong and proud nation. Send the navy in to blockade their ports, and they’ll soon come crawling back.”
  2. “Are we really going to risk starting war over this?” quails Stan Redwood, your Minister of Dairies, shaking in fear behind his pineapple milkshake. “Even if we win, the problem isn’t just that these nations are not trading with us, it’s that our agricultural economy isn’t self-sufficient. With some significant investments from the government and a ban on all imports, I’m sure we can achieve food security and a state of absolute economic independence from foreign trade.”
  3. “Plenty more fish in the sea,” shrugs your Minister for Trade, looking remarkably calm about the entire situation. “There’s plenty of smuggl... er, enterprising traders in these nations perfectly willing to facilitate trade between ourselves and the nations in this so-called ‘Coalition’. Sure, it’s a bit on the dodgy side legally speaking, but I’m sure we’ll muddle through somehow!”
  4. “Maybe we should listen to this coalition’s entirely reasonable demands, and scale back our weapons programs,” muses your Foreign Minister, munching on a Maxtopian mango. “It’s not like we really need that many smallpox-infused nuclear warheads, is it? Then, legume trade can proceed.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's rare to find an unchewed pencil.

2020-11-17 15:00

A Sticky Situation

While lounging on a curiously sticky bench in Random Chaos City, you begin to notice that almost every passer-by seems to be mysteriously stuck to the pavement. Upon closer inspection, you realise that the ground is covered in chewing gum, which has in turn caused the unfortunate - and admittedly amusing - predicament that the pedestrians have now found themselves in. You are soon approached by a colorful mob of people, the majority of which are barely able to lift their own legs.

  1. “Every time I go on a run, I always find at least one piece of gum on my shoe!” screeches Marjorie Bell, whilst furiously picking herself up off the ground. “I always end up stepping in the stuff, and it’s always a pain to get off. Gum is a health hazard, and it should be banned before anyone else finds themselves chewing the pavement! If somebody has a problem with that, then they can just find something else to gnaw on.”
  2. “Don’t listen to that gum-hating buffoon,” exclaims the CEO of Suborbit Gum, Minté Breff, while chewing loudly. “Banning gum will cause a tremendous uproar of unnecessary proportions! Gum can help people study and concentrate, all whilst they taste our selection of great flavours; something that the government would surely support and even subsidise! You can have my gum when you pry it out of my cold, dead mouth.”
  3. “Why not look for a different solution?” asks Silvio Grimes, as he helps his son clean gum from his shoes. “How about we place more trashcans? Place a few here and there, fine anyone that doesn’t put their gum into them, and I guarantee that this problem will go away. All of this gum will give these trashcans a fresh and much more bearable smell!” He abruptly turns towards his son, who has now wandered away. “Stop smelling the bins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tax rises are attributed to divine will.

2020-11-17 07:30

The Apotheosis of Leader?

A period of unprecedented peace and prosperity in Random Chaos has seen your personal approval rate sky-rocket. Recently, a small but growing movement has emerged claiming that these general good times are the result of your divine favour, and are advocating that the people worship you as a god.

  1. “All hail the glorious Leader, giver of safety and wealth!” shouts Samuel Howell, the Prefect of the Cult of Divine Nationalism from atop a wooden crate in Random Chaos City Grand Plaza. “Are not the might and benevolence of the holy Leader manifest for all to see? Should we not respond in humble worship? Proclaim your divinity before all, O Great One, and your people shall listen!”
  2. “This is heresy!” pontificates Khethiwe Peters, a high-ranking clergywoman of a major religion, while proffering a collection plate. “Surely you can’t seriously be entertaining delusions of divinity? You would undoubtedly bring divine wrath upon us! I urge you, speak out against these wayward souls and endorse the teachings of our holy writ as the true path to righteousness. Only then can we be assured of continued providence.”
  3. “Let’s not be too hasty now, there may be an opportunity in this,” muses Elena Wayne, one of your shrewdest political advisors. “Of course you’re not divine, we both know that, but is there really any harm in letting these whack-jobs think you are? Nothing begets obedience like the command of one’s god, after all. Perhaps a carefully constructed public statement is in order, one that gives legitimacy to these people’s beliefs while avoiding claiming divinity outright. Let people read into it what they want, and if they flock to this ‘religion’ in droves, well, would it really be so terrible if a large percentage of Random Chaosians became your devoted disciples?”
  4. “Bah! Ridiculous gobbledygook, all of it!” says Jean-Luc de Castro, controversial atheist author of the book ‘Atoms in Space and Relations Between Them - An Exhaustive Account of Existence’. “These cultists are no crazier than any other religious types, and have done far less damage than some I might mention. Take this opportunity to disavow all religion as superstitious nonsense, and throw your support behind reason instead. It’s the perfect opportunity to end the tax breaks for people with imaginary friends, and funnel that additional money into the areas it can do some real good, like authors of popular science books!”
  5. “All hail our glorious Leader... or face eternal punishment!” shouts a wide-eyed bearded man in sack cloth waving a greasy tract. “Pay no heed to these sectarians, my liege, they have departed from the way of truth! Only we, of the Cult of Nationalist Divinity, have remained faithful in the face of their slanderous impiety. We know you to be an uncompromising and demanding god, intolerant of all false doctrine. We stand ready to convert the masses to your worship, by lethal force if necessary! Starting, of course, with the insufferable heretics of the Cult of Divine Nationalism!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lip-readers are often left perplexed by political rallies.

2020-11-17 01:30

Brown Breeches Thanks to Speeches

While attending a conference, you found yourself struggling to understand one of your ministers as he stuttered through his speech on the importance of public speaking for politicians. You later encountered him in a dark and slightly smelly side-corridor of the government halls, where he quietly informed you that he has glossophobia - a fear of giving speeches.

  1. “The correct response is obvious,” tuts Alexandra Holst, a highly renowned speech therapist. “All members of the government - yes, even you, Leader - should be forced to take classes on public speaking to improve their speech skills and help them confront their fears. I’m certain the taxpayers will appreciate the classes if it ensures that their favourite politicians can finally speak with confidence about all the important things in life, like the appallingly low wages of speech therapists!”
  2. “Now, there isn’t any need for wasting the government’s time like that,” boasts the eccentric CEO of SlangoTech, Dennis Pence. “Our company has been working hard to build a new piece of technology that can alleviate all of your problems. In simple terms, it is a highly-advanced device that reads out speeches for the speaker, in their voice! All they need to do is stand there and make some nondescript mouth movements, and they’ll be absolutely fine. Now, about our payment plans...”
  3. “Get this rabble out of the government!” exclaims resident office haranguer, Kate Warner. “If someone cannot make a big, grand speech about their plans, then they absolutely cannot decide what is best for this nation. Show ‘em the door, and slam it as soon as they’re out - we won’t even be able to hear the buggers stammer their complaints.”
  4. “I-if I could get a word in here,” meekly whispers your glossophobic minister, visibly shaken by the prior outburst. “I d-don’t think that it’s a problem, at all. If anything, th-the quiet ones always come up with the best ideas, and maybe w-w-we can just hire someone else to say what we think. At least, I th-think so, I don’t know...” He then slithers down in his chair, disappearing from view.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people make a career out of medical voyeurism.

2020-11-16 19:30

Suspension of the Disbelieved

A patient accused Ward Nurse Castiel Kenobi of an inappropriately intimate physical examination, which resulted in his suspension from duty at Random Chaos City Central Hospital. A series of investigations and legal meetings followed, involving hospital management, the patient ombudsman, the complaints review board, and eventually a magistrate’s court of appeal. All in all, the nurse was suspended for a total of nine months before the complaint was dismissed and he was fully exonerated.

  1. “There’s no protection for the reputation of professionals anymore,” rants the accused nurse, waving a loaded syringe around as he speaks, spraying an unknown sticky white fluid in your face. “My name was in the local paper! The girl I was dating dumped me! Look, of course we must allow complaints. However, once a complaint has been dismissed, we should be able to take false accusers to court to hold them to account. I want compensation for my losses, one way or another.” He leers disturbingly with this last statement.
  2. “Why doesn’t anyone believe me?” sobs Rosalina Richardson, the complainant who levelled the allegations, as she surreptitiously peels an onion under the table. “For the sake of victims everywhere, you have to weigh in to protect people like me. Do you know how scary it was for me to come forward with this? You owe it to patient safety to trust the word of victims, and to permanently suspend perverts like this nurse!”
  3. “As far as I can see, this whole problem has happened because it’s one person’s word against another,” observes your Minister of Watching Watchmen. “We ought to enforce some transparency to medical proceedings, with every professional accompanied by a trained observer for all interactions, and each patient also encouraged to bring their own chaperone. That way, there’ll always be at least one impartial observer to verify witness accounts.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wars are filled with soldiers wielding machetes and chainsaws for safety reasons.

2020-11-16 13:30

No Lock, No Gun Stock, and No Smoking Barrels

Last night, a colonel checking the inventory at Fort Gambler, Random Chaos’s largest military armory, found only a broken musket and a giant hole in the wall that she was pretty sure wasn’t there earlier. There is a strong suspicion that this heist is linked to certain groups that have been raising a stink over Random Chaos’s gun ban.

  1. Commandant Grant, the head of the breached facility, shows you a large schematic of a dense mass of mostly incomprehensible sketches, including a drawing of what appears to be a giant killer robot. “What we really need is to have more funding for security. We simply can not allow our weapons to be stolen, let alone potentially sold to the rebellious public. We need better security. In fact, our security facilities need their own security facilities. Sure, it’ll be expensive, but it’ll be worth it.”
  2. Your Minister of Law and Order draws a large, red X across the schematic. “This kind of thing doesn’t exactly happen in a vacuum. We should focus on discouraging others by capturing the crooks who broke into our base in the first place. In fact, if we really want to get to the root of the problem, we should boost our national law enforcement to investigate and arrest anyone who is promoting the idea of guns being returned to our citizens.”
  3. “This wouldn’t be a problem if guns were given back to the public,” comments the somewhat sheepish looking colonel, while wadding the schematic into a ball and tossing it aside. “If our populace were armed, then they’d have less incentive to steal our weapons, except for the really cool ones I suppose. Plus, they’d have an easier time defending themselves in an attack.”
  4. “You’ve got it all backward!” interjects Lara Mozart, a woman in fencing gear, who appears to have wandered in on the conversation. “These things were banned from the public for a reason - they are dangerous! We need to extend the present ban to the military - if they have a real problem, they can just use swords. Observe!” She skewers the crumpled schematic with her rapier.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nations that kill a Random Chaosian can expect a strongly worded letter.

2020-11-16 07:30

Tribes and Tribulations

A Random Chaosian tourist was killed on an island inhabited by an uncontacted, neolithic tribe known as the Maxeliese. The victim’s family is demanding justice, but the matter is further complicated by the fact that the tribe’s island is considered Wezeltonian territory.

  1. “Those savages murdered my brother!” states Gretel Biscuitbarrel, pummelling your desk in a fit of rage. “As they clearly don’t understand concepts like ‘respect for the rule of law’, you should bomb the island and send them back to the Stone Age! That’ll send a stark lesson to them and any other tribe that wishes to mess with Random Chaos!”
  2. “And risk going to war with Wezeltonia?” rebuts your Minister of Defense while folding out a map of the region. “Look, I sympathize that one of our citizens was killed, but frankly he should have known better. That island is clearly marked as off-limits by the Wezeltonian government. What we need to do is pressure their government to step up patrols to ensure that this tragedy never happens again, allowing this tribe to develop as nature intended. I’m sure we could lend a ship or two to help out.”
  3. “This tribe is a perfect chance to study living history!” exclaims famed archaeologist Iowa Smith, donning his trademark Stetson and whip. “These people are living just like our ancestors did thousands of years ago. Why not send a covert team to monitor them? Think of the scientific discoveries, the adventure! I’m sure the Wezeltonian government can be persuaded to help us out if we hand over those artifacts they say we stole from them.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the tawdry celebrity gossip section has moved to the front page of most newspapers.

2020-11-16 01:30

Infamy! Infamy! They’ve All Got It in for Me!

Two days ago a series of pipe bombs in Gambler City killed two people and injured twelve more. By yesterday morning, the news was full of pictures of the perpetrator, with reporters explaining his twisted manifesto and giving the terrorist’s ideology far more exposure and media presence than he could ever have achieved without violence. Like many others, you find yourself watching an evening TV program dissecting the events of the last few days.

  1. “Boy, am I glad they caught that monster?” asks chat show host Xu Anderson hopefully rhetorically, just after airing a thirty minute segment profiling the killer. “Now... some on this panel were saying earlier that having his face and picture all over the airwaves was counter-productive. I disagree! We’re showing the public that crime doesn’t pay. It’s in the public interest, because... uh... because the public is interested! It’s also about history, and recording events for posterity. That means it’s actually the duty of the media to put up the names, faces, methods and manifesto of these ratings-boosting psychopaths.”
  2. “With that haircut, I’m surprised YOU aren’t the one we’re condemning,” jokes fellow panellist Chuck Garcia, to thunderous audience applause. “In all seriousness though, it’s not right that we’re playing right into this terrorist’s hands, spreading his message of hate and making him a celebrity. People died, man! We should have an enforced code of conduct, asking the media to be responsible in reporting. After all, publicising an agenda of hate is the same as promoting it. Consign these killers and their whack-job thoughts to the oblivion of history where they belong.”
  3. “Why don’t you all shut up and go home?” yells a heckler from the audience. The camera pans round to show an angry red-faced fellow with a cooking apron on. “I had tickets for Celebrity Random Chaosian Bake-Off Factor Live, and then they tell me that it’s been cancelled to make room for this stupid show. Hey, Leader, if you’re watching, ban this sort of news and documentaries, and keep TV for what it was made for... entertainment!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign investment has dropped to a trickle after laws were passed preventing investors from taking their earnings abroad.

2020-11-15 19:30

Desert Island Risks

An anonymous whistle-blower has released thousands of documents detailing how law firms in the tiny tropical island nation of Manamana helped politicians and businesspeople from Random Chaos hide millions of chips in undeclared income. The scandal, dubbed the “Manamana Memos” by the media, has rocked Random Chaos, as it involves several famous figures, including world leaders and public officials linked to your government.

  1. “This is clearly a law enforcement issue,” muses Palutena Watts, head of the Financial Crimes division. “This is a reflection of the state of neglect my division finds itself in. We need more manpower, state of the art technology, new vehicles, maybe some snappy new uniforms, and of course, new legislation that gives us broader powers to investigate financial crimes, including the subpoenaing and wiretapping of suspects. Give us the resources we need and I’ll have those fat cats paying their taxes in no time.”
  2. “Oh my Violet! What is this communist madness?” screams Alistair Sid, the blue-haired and googly-eyed senior-partner at one of the implicated law firms. “My clients are furious! What kind of country is this when you can’t even have assets abroad without the press snooping on them?” He pauses to tear up a packet of chocolate chips, devouring all of them voraciously before continuing his tirade. “We want you to make this go away, Leader. Journalists should have no right to publish private financial data of politicians and corporations; it’s a breach of privacy and public trust! Prosecute all the journalists and so-called whistle-blowers responsible for this! Oh Violet, it looks like I picked the wrong week to quit dropping spunkmeyers, om nom nom nom.”
  3. “The problem is capitalism,” argues social activist and the oldest politician in Random Chaos, ‘Colonel’ Ernie Flanders. “We wouldn’t be in this mess if tax havens weren’t allowed in the first place. It is outrageous! Multinational corporations and the top one percent can suck the wealth from our country dry and then take it offshore to some so-called financial paradise to avoid paying taxes. We need capital controls to prevent economic collapse so we don’t end up in an economic mess like Bigtopia. We need to wage war against this corrupt system! Outlaw this practice at once!”
  4. “The problem is government and Leader’s incompetence,” counters noted billionaire Edward Rump, who was coincidentally listed in the Manamana Memos. “People come up to me all the time and tell me that they take their money abroad because they are tired of dealing with the draconian tax code and endless bureaucracy in this country. In order for Random Chaos to be great again, we need to prosper and be wealthy. In order to be wealthy, by the way I love the wealthy, we need to simplify the tax code and lower taxes. Freedom will ring and it’ll be amazing. So amazing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, houses and businesses are bulldozed to make way for ever-expanding cemeteries.

2020-11-15 13:30

A Grave Problem

As cemeteries across Random Chaos are beginning to reach their full capacities, citizens are demanding that the government step in to rectify the situation before the bodies start to pile up.

  1. “The expansion of cemeteries must end if the remaining government land is to benefit the economy,” says the Minister of Death, Brian Xiaoping. “What I propose is that we declare all graves over, say, ten years old, as vacant. And then dump a new corpse in it. Hey, nobody objects to sharing a university dormitory with another person, why should they object to sharing their grave?”
  2. “Burial plots are so expensive these days, few people are opting for them anyway,” says Retirement Home owner, Heather Eliot. “Let’s just go for that final push and make cremation compulsory. Some people may not be happy with it, but when you get right down to it, it’s only setting fire to their loved ones against their will - you must agree that that’s less important than expanding suburban development.”
  3. “This is horrendous,” says Magnus Lowe, whose partner recently passed away. “Whatever happened to choice? When my Henry died, he was promised an eternal resting place; a place where his name would stand and he would be remembered. Having it disturbed by ‘newcomers’ or enforcing cremation is a slur against him and the rest of Random Chaos’s deceased citizens! If you have any compassion in your soul, then you’ll acknowledge a grave as being a sacrosanct area. The dead must be allowed to rest in peace.”
  4. “Burying and cremating the dead is such a waste...” says Sasha Silk, head of the Research Department at the McRonald’s chain of fast-food restaurants. “They should be recycled for the benefit of the nation! We’ll pay the families a little something for their loss, then mince up the bodies and put them in our burgers! I can’t see any downsides, can you? It’d save space, recompensate the grieving, and supply everyone with a tasty snack!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, employees who skip lunch to avoid sub-par cafeteria food risk getting fired.

2020-11-15 07:30

Gotta Go Fast

When the Holy Month of Golden Bloom rolls around, members of the Tranquility of Yellow observe fasting: neither eating nor drinking anything from dawn till dusk. Yoshi Cage, your Minister of Labor, has reasoned that fasting leads to a loss of productivity and potentially endangers lives.

  1. “I mean, it’s a no-brainer, isn’t it?” asks Yoshi Cage, still chewing the big bite he took of his mouth-watering chocolate lava cake. “These people fast for an entire day, and everyone knows that prolonged hunger and dehydration can cause concentration problems. What if a Yellowite surgeon operated on a patient while fasting and made a mistake? Human lives come before religious duties. Hence, all Tranquil Yellowites should be banned from fasting if they want to keep their jobs.”
  2. “How dare you meddle with my freedom of religion!” gasps Cleveland Hester, a Yellowite preacher, flourishing a staff topped with an ornamental sunflower at the Labor Minister, while casting a yearning glance at his cake. “I have practised fasting since I was a child, and I can assure you that it doesn’t compos- compres- I mean compromise our cognitive abilities. Also, daytime fasting isn’t actually unhealthy you know - there’s growing evidence that it reduces a number of ailments and could even prevent cancers. It would be both spiritually and physically good if you told all Random Chaosians to join the Fast of the Holy Month of Golden Bloom.”
  3. “Let’s not be hasty; I’m sure there is room for a sweet compromise here,” chimes in Jadzia Patel, your Minister of Creative Solutions. “I agree that suffering from thirst and hunger for a whole day can cause problems in the workplace. But instead of banning our Yellowite citizens from fulfilling their religious duties, we could give them paid leave during the Holy Month of Golden Bloom, so they could safely fast in the comfort of their homes. To safeguard equality, we can make similar accommodations for all faiths: extra vacations for pilgrimages and regular prayer breaks at work.”
  4. “This whole fasting thing is sacrilege!” exclaims Papa Luigi, a well-known pizzeria owner and a member of the Cult of Pizza, flailing his arms dramatically. “Only infidels would dare to starve themselves in blatant defiance of the Holy Crustiness of Pizza Margherita. We should prohibit all forms of fasting and endorse a force-feeding procedure for those who restrict their food intake for whatever reason. Pizza for Random Chaos! Pizzazz for Random Chaos!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Automobile Manufacturing Sector and the Top 10% for Largest Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the true length of the coastline of Random Chaos may never be measured.

2020-11-15 01:30

Covering All the Angles

Last weekend, every single participant in the Annual Random Chaosian Freshwater Fishing Competition was arrested for angling in violation of environmental laws. A large group of furious fishermen and outraged officials have forced their way upstream into your office, hoping that you’ll go for their argument hook, line, and sinker.

  1. “The law says we must pay an insane amount for fishing licenses, which we all did,” grumbles Samus Roll, five-time winner of the competition. “The law says each person can only keep a dozen gamblerfish per day, which we all did. The law says we can only fish in rivers and streams, which we were all doing. We go by the book and follow all of your inane laws, and yet you still arrest the lot of us! We demand that you let us off the hook, and free fishing while you’re at it. Remove all the hoops to jump through, and we’ll get along swimmingly.”
  2. “Don’t listen to those hoodlums; they know full well what they were doing,” growls Amelia Foster, your Minister of Waterway Nomenclature. “Our laws say that fishing is allowed in rivers, streams, and inlets. However, these delinquents were fishing in the north fork of the Gambler River, which — as we all know — is a branch. And the law clearly states that fishing in brooks, tributaries, branches, and creeks is illegal. It’s really quite simple, Leader, yet people always deny that they are in the wrong. We need much harsher punishments for violations of environmental regulations to deter this abhorrent lawlessness.”
  3. “Actually, it isn’t quite that simple,” explains Dirk McCarthy, your Minister of Estuaries, Deltas, Forks, and Convergences. “You can try to slap labels on all you want, but Random Chaos’s hydrological system is incredibly complex and interconnected. Where exactly does Random Chaos City Stream turn into Random Chaos City Creek? We simply don’t have enough information to make these decisions properly. It’s great that we’re protecting our environment, but we must now invest in understanding it.”
  4. “Absolute nonsense!” declares Kayla Solo, who is both your Minister of Redundancy Reduction and Director of the Elimination of Redundancy Office. “You have two full ministries, with countless employees each, dedicated to deciding what is and isn’t a river. I’ll help you, Leader: if it is flowing water, it’s a river! Think of how much taxpayer money we could save by eliminating all these useless paper pushers.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the local custom of Biking With The Cars sends tourists home bemused or in body-bags.

2020-11-14 19:30

Life in the Bike Lane

Tragedy struck Random Chaos City when a cyclist was killed by a transport truck, making this the thirteenth such incident in the past few weeks. This has propelled activists to peddle the idea of creating additional bike lanes in Random Chaos’s cities.

  1. “What do we want? Bike lanes! When do we want them? Now!” chants cyclist Nosipho Ryan, five-time winner of the Tour de Random Chaos competition. “Many of us in the big cities rely on our bikes to go about our daily business. If anything, more cyclists on the streets will mean fewer cars, and that means less congestion. Less congestion means less pollution, and that makes everyone healthier in the long run. It may be more inconvenient for the motorists, but if they don’t like it, they can go honk themselves.”
  2. “Haven’t these road hogs heard of a sidewalk?” wheezes decidedly unhealthy city councilor Wil Amin, whose son was behind the wheel of the truck. “Bike lanes are like swimming with the sharks - sooner or later you’re going to get bitten. Roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks, not for people on bikes. Bike lanes are dangerous and expensive to maintain. We ought to stop them and paint over existing ones before more people are killed and we end up like Dàguó.”
  3. “I agree with the councilor with the... obvious health issues,” chimes in an auto industry lobbyist while playing with your nephew’s toy cars. “People are sick of these damn cyclists who think they own the roads. It’s their own fault that they end up hurt or killed. What if people had to pass a test before being allowed to ride a bike, like we do with cars? This will mean there are fewer idiot cyclists who think they’re invincible. That, my friend, is what will make our cities safer.”
  4. “What if bikes were the only way people went about their commute?” suggests the leader of the Viva la Pedalution! advocacy group. “Let’s face it, these incidents are going to keep on happening because of these selfish and incompetent motorists. Riding a bike is much healthier and far less dangerous. The government needs to declare Random Chaos a ‘car-free zone’ and completely redesign urban planning to accommodate cyclists. Short-term complications, yes, but long-term gains!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former slaves are free to be oppressed.

2020-11-14 13:30

Henceforward Shall Be Free

As Random Chaos has finally liberated all its slaves, nobody really knows what to do with them.

  1. “They should be free to live without violence and to work faithfully for reasonable wages, and of course, be good citizens of our nation,” says your top adviser, Llywelyn Lyncoln, while stroking his beard. “We should grant them full citizenship and treat them like any other person; otherwise, they will still remain as slaves in their minds.”
  2. “These poor people were stolen from their homeland and taken to our land,” states your Minister of the Interior, Heidi Monrow. “They don’t belong in our society, and can only reintegrate successfully back among their own kind. We should be universally repatriating them back to the lands of their forefathers, where they can begin life anew.”
  3. “All right, we’ve liberated slaves, but that doesn’t make them equal!” remarks Manuel Voster. “Let them be free all they want, but they’ll need to know they’re different from us. They’ll have to use separate beaches, buses, toilets, everything. Just make sure that we get the good stuff.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many former slaves are finding out there is such a thing as a free lunch.

2020-11-14 07:30

Two’s Company, Three’s a Crowd, Four’s an Uprising

Slave owners across Random Chaos report increased antagonistic behavior from their slaves. The masters’ position is made more precarious in some rural areas of the country, where the enslaved outnumber everyone else by four to one. Fearing imminent rebellion, you have met with prominent slavers in the extravagant cocktail lounge of the Random Chaos City Auction House to discuss a solution.

  1. “These are dark days, Leader; we must economize,” concedes a wealthy slaver as she struggles to jam an olive onto her own cocktail stick. “We have far more slaves than we can comfortably control. We have to downscale before we have a rebellion on our uncalloused hands. I propose that we hold the largest slave auction ever, in this very building. We’ll invite all the great masters of the world and export our excess chattel. Then, we’ll no longer be threatened, and we’ll have plenty of dough to boot!”
  2. “Addressing the slaves’ aggression is easier,” opines Orson Longbottom, a young basket weaving magnate, taking a sip from his drink. “If you all treated your slaves with the kindness I do, they would adore you and would never wish to rebel. I grant all slaves a fifteen minute break every day and one whole chip biannually, to spend as they wish! We should also allow them to keep a percentage of the things they produce; a little light labor is nothing when it earns you a free basket.”
  3. “For an owner, you sure do have that slave morality,” growls Vanna Sharp, infamously the cruelest slave owner in Random Chaos, as she lovingly caresses her whip. “We need slaves, but we must not make ourselves vulnerable. Slaves must wear identification tattoos, and their time and behavior must be closely monitored. Punish any disobedience with public beatings, or a bloody execution: that’s how a slave learns to mind their manners.”
  4. “There is only one way to prevent a rebellion,” declares Athena Beachcroft, the widow of a late slave holder, as she pours herself a boysenberry mocktail from the bar. “Free all the slaves and ban slavery. I freed all my husband’s slaves last week and no harm has befallen me. People are more productive if they aren’t living in fear, if they’re working for fair compensation. These slaves are human beings and our fellow Random Chaosians. Break their chains and set your Random Chaosians free!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's best artists are considered pretty easy to beat.

2020-11-14 01:30

A Patronising Statement

The unveiling of a painting of Duke Erica Griffin’s daughter resulted in quite a commotion at court yesterday evening, when palace guards had to break up a scuffle between the Duke and the artist commissioned to paint the piece. Now that the persons in question have had a night to simmer down in the castle dungeon, you have requested their presence to better explain themselves.

  1. “I have patronised this worthless wastrel for six years! Six years and he produces this!” bellows the Duke, brandishing his fists at the cowering artist. “This was to be a present for my dearest daughter, and this sot - deep in his cups I’d wager - vomits up this abomination that resembles nothing other than Beelzebub’s rear end! I demand repayment of his patronage and if not, I must be allowed the right to beat it out of the wretch’s hide!”
  2. “I... I am sorry but I cannot return the Duke’s coin,” tremors Judas de Tavener, wringing together his hands, which are stained with what is presumably red paint. “It has been spent in the execution of the painting, on the finest pigments from Dàguó and the finest wench- er- models for the piece. Besides, the good duke scarcely helped. Throughout the painting he was always questioning me when it would be complete, or if I should not include this or that within it. I am an artist! I must follow my muse! You cannot hold us artists at fault if the viewer doesn’t find the painting to their liking, can you?”
  3. “You say art, we say impious images,” intones hierophant Wolfgang Chatwin, nearly concussing a guard with a swing of his thurible. “This trend for painted depictions of Divine Creation is sheer blasphemy, and worse still are the nobles who fritter their wealth away on worldly images instead of entrusting their coin to the Holy Temple! Condemn these unholy works to the flame, lest we encourage the very worst acts of debauchery and fornication within our very nation!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prudishness is on the way out.

2020-11-13 19:30

Outed Teacher Ousted

A religious high school in Random Chaos City has caused quite a stir after firing a teacher because of his homosexual orientation.

  1. “I can’t see what they did wrong,” says Zeus Waialiki, proud parent and founder of the Holier Than Thou prayer group. “Homosexuality is an apostasy onto everything we stand for and believe in! I don’t want my children to be exposed to it. Teachers are role models for their students for heaven’s sake. I say all sodomites should be banned from teaching at all schools in Random Chaos, lest the contagion spread.”
  2. “Prohibiting people from doing their jobs just because of their love life is utterly ridiculous!” shouts a mad-as-hell civil rights activist. “Don’t we live in modern society? Giving these fundamentalist idiots what they want is a huge violation of human rights. All people should be able to do their jobs, whatever their sexuality!”
  3. “This is yet another example of what harm religion does to our society,” says LGBTQ activist Conan Cullen, waving a rainbow flag. “Homosexuality shouldn’t be a taboo subject anymore. Children ought to be brought up knowing that sexual diversity is just something that exists in society and is completely normal. To help society move forward, we need to get rid of religious schooling and teach that people should love whoever and whatever they want.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's universities are often mistaken for foreign embassies.

2020-11-13 13:30

A Foreign Exchange of Ideas

As Random Chaosian universities are gaining recognition on the world stage, the country’s citizens have mixed feelings about the influx of international students trying to enroll.

  1. “Having a geographically diverse student body is crucial for expanding our young people’s minds and molding them into global citizens,” pontificates bespectacled Dean Head of Random Chaos City University, idly spinning a globe in her office. “Our classrooms must represent the world’s population, and that is best achieved by setting aside a percentage of all university places for foreign students. Just think of the prestige! Er... I mean, the perspectives!”
  2. “Random Chaosian universities are for Random Chaosian kids; it’s that simple,” shrugs concerned citizen Beth Palpatine in between open-mouthed chewing of a sandwich in the university cafeteria. “It’s hard enough for brilliant students like my daughter to get into a school as good as this without facing competition from the rest of the dang world. Besides, those Bigtopian students don’t look too happy to be here anyway, do they?”
  3. Montgomery ‘Kegmeister’ Coulson, a student known for his stunning grin and perfectly coiffed hair, bursts in. “Did I hear you talking about those bodacious foreign babes? My friends and I would totally help welcome these lovely international students to Random Chaos... as long as they’re total babes. Hey, there’s an idea! Why don’t we let foreign students in to study, but only if they’re hot enough to pass the Kegmeister’s test?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children play ring-around-the-rosey around bonfires of videogame cartridges.

2020-11-13 07:30

Object-Oriented Programming

Triple-A videogame title “Panty Theft Auto” has caused a stir amongst feminists and concerned parents, with many demanding government action against objectification and sexualization of women in the game industry.

  1. “This is disgusting!” cries Alice N. Beck-Dell, a proudly feminist media commentator. “Look at these bimbos in all of these games! They’d need back braces to stand up if they were real! The male protagonist can rack up passive female conquests, and even gets a set of pornographic virtual trading cards for each one he collects. Can’t we apply some modern day standards to this growing industry, to limit the objectification? Drooling teenage boys might admittedly be a significant market, but there are adult and women gamers too! Isn’t some censorship worth it, for a less misogynistic society?”
  2. “You can’t be serious,” complains Stan Houser, creative director of the game, covertly slipping you some special edition artwork of a chain-mail bikini elf-knight in a brown paper bag. “I like pretty girls. My customers like pretty girls. Pretty girls sell games. It isn’t the job of the gaming industry to spread a social message and if these moral crusaders don’t like it, they don’t have to buy the game. Don’t restrict the free market, or freedom of expression.”
  3. “Whatever Panty Theft Auto is doing is what we real men want!” squeaks nerdy 13-year old Tobias Delauter, stroking his caterpillar-like moustache as he sneaks the chainmail-elf picture into his own pocket. “If anything, we should apply this principle to every piece of media we make and import! Instead of making a censor board, you should have an UNcensor board! Give every female a huge pair... uh... personality! Add CGI cut-scenes where we can give these ladies what they need! Hell, make sure ALL media is as sexy as hell! Not only it would benefit us men, it would benefit the economy too!”
  4. “The problem here isn’t some video games, it’s ALL video games,” observes disbarred attorney Tom Jackson, peering at you over a stack of lawsuit documents. “Video games keep kids - and adults for that matter - on the couch all day. They rot brains, cause moral decay and encourage violence. I’m not blaming kids here, I’m blaming the media we feed them: don’t hate the players, hate the game! Ban this trash, and get kids back outdoors playing healthy and wholesome games like mumbletypeg or pinfinger!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people accuse the government of being in bed with Big Safety.

2020-11-13 01:30

Government and CO

Earlier this week, several people were sickened by carbon monoxide poisoning while waiting in a long line at a government office in downtown Random Chaos City. Fortunately, nobody was killed, but the incident has prompted calls for the government to install carbon monoxide detectors in its buildings and better regulate safety standards.

  1. “The government should be thanking its lucky stars that there were no permanent injuries,” notes government lawyer Ivan Nxumalo, relieved that nobody has decided to sue yet. “In order to abate public outcry, we need to make sure this doesn’t happen again. We must install carbon monoxide detectors in every single government building in Random Chaos, and provide government employees with the proper safety training. It may be a bit of an expense, but surely that beats a class action lawsuit, yes?”
  2. “Why stop at government buildings? These detectors should be installed everywhere!” enthuses your worrywort Public Safety Minister, after checking the various detectors in your office. “We need to install these detectors in schools, places of business, and even people’s homes. Carbon monoxide is a threat that needs to be taken seriously. Some people may not like this being mandatory, but safety knows no price tag. After all, people spend hundreds of chips on home security systems. The only thing that’s different is that we’re offering this free of charge.”
  3. “Oh, I’m sure this time the government will be able to fix another problem it created,” sneers anti-government conspiracy theorist Moana Turner, setting off your sarcasm detector. “The last thing we need is the government going into people’s homes and installing these things. For all we know you’re planting listening devices in them! If the people want these detectors, they’ll go out and buy them themselves. This is just government finding excuses to feed their own bloated bureaucracy. How about the government sticks its big nose out of things for once?”
  4. “Sounds like the problem is the buildings, not some gas,” chimes in contractor Vandal Clinton. “Have you seen the state of some of these buildings? The Public Affairs building is older than you are! We need to tear down these decrepit monstrosities and replace them with new technological marvels that can eliminate poisonous gasses before they’re a threat! Will it be expensive and inconvenient? Yes, but think of how fancy and safe your new office will be!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, search and rescue forces now accept cheques and all major credit cards.

2020-11-12 19:30

Take a Hike!

While you were conducting an operational inspection of a new Random Chaosian National Guard search and rescue helicopter, dispatch received a distress signal from a Personal Locator Beacon, a GPS-enhanced device wilderness adventurers use to request life-saving help. The helicopter immediately raced to the scene, setting down in a remote sun-baked meadow. Unfortunately, the distressed hiker refused rescue, saying “my stubbed toe is feeling better now.”

  1. Attila Grossman, a National Guard rescue operative, is exasperated. “This situation is intolerable, Leader! In a genuine emergency, these beacons save lives. Now that they’re so cheap, more and more people are using them as a crutch to attempt dangerous hikes they aren’t prepared for. As you can see, we have to carry the huge risks and costs! Beacon users should have to register with the government, so we know who to fine for false alarms.”
  2. The helicopter crew patches an incoming call through to your headset. “Hello?” asks famed luxury safari hunter Beauregard Leopold Addington III, Esq. “You know, my friend’s manufactory makes satellite phones that can allow rescuers to contact hikers and assess the situation before calling out the cavalry. Sure, the service subscriptions are pricey, and your signa**SSHBZZZTPSSHFTZZPFT**ways get through, but mandatory sat-phones for hikers will reduce false alarms and are great for checking your stock portfolio from any summit!”
  3. By this point, you’ve been standing in the sun for a while, and a mild heat stroke is setting in. Wait - is that bear wearing a tie? “You know, expensive fines and equipment will only discourage people seeking help when they really need it,” says the bear while munching a stolen packet of Honey Burr-Berry cereal. “That’ll cost lives too. The better solution is to increase funding to national parks, with safe trails, visitor centers, and campsites. Then the common Random Chaosian can enjoy Random Chaos’s natural wonder without the corporations getting their grubby hands on it. It’s smarter than the average policy!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy" to "Father Knows Best State".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos's airwaves are dominated by corporate-backed commercial radio.

2020-11-12 13:30

Radio Rebels Ruffle Government

The ‘Underground Element’, a newly formed resistance force to the governing party in Random Chaos, has begun broadcasting anti-government messages over a network of public radio stations.

  1. “These rebels are harmless,” says Lee Mitchell, political commentator. “In the interests of free speech and democracy, we should allow them to broadcast their messages. There’s nothing wrong with a little criticism of the government - indeed, it could do with some more incentive to perform well.”
  2. “It’d be one thing if it was genuinely insightful criticism,” says Rosita Sullivan, your personal advisor. “But this is a disgrace! It’s simply fear-mongering and government-bashing. We should shut down these punks before they fill our citizens’ heads full of mistruths. And while we’re at it, there are a few other radio stations that need to smarten up their attitude to the government, too. Take control of the medium, and take control of the message.”
  3. “Now now, let’s be reasonable about this,” muses Alexandra Calder, radio chatshow host. “The government should think very carefully before it gets into the business of telling people what they can and can’t say on the air. The solution here is not to ban criticism, but to price radio station licenses at an appropriate level - that is, higher than a rabble of unshaven hippies can afford.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, graffiti artists spend lengthy periods of time in jail.

2020-11-12 07:30

Wipe Out Graffiti?

Citizens all over Random Chaos have been petitioning for firmer action on public graffiti.

  1. “It’s a disgrace!” declares Lauren Moneypenny, middle class and proud of it. “I can’t even go downtown without seeing these hideous eyesores debasing the streets! We need to arrest the scumbags at the root of this, lock them up, and teach them a jolly good lesson! More policemen on the beat should do the ticket, even if it does require a slight augmentation in taxes!”
  2. “I don’t see what’s so bad,” comments Rodrigo Suparman, a famous art critic. “This is urban art at its finest. It’s vibrant, colorful, and simply reeks of culture! Just look at the form displayed in this string of racist expletives! Wonderful. Simply wonderful. I think we should really be encouraging these budding Rembrandts, not putting them down! I say we legalise it, in the name of culture!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, taking hostages is a great way to influence government policy.

2020-11-12 01:30

A Role to Play

Perpetual loner and social outcast Anakin Gillard made the news after holding five of his schoolmates hostage in a classroom for four hours, forcing them at sword-point (with an excellent replica Toledo Salamanca rapier) to play the popular role-playing game Trials and Trolls. Though everyone was released unharmed and the boy is now under arrest, many are asking if the game is a bad influence...

  1. “A few months ago, my little boy started playing this so-called game, and just the other day I caught him trying to fight our dog with a toy sword,” sobs distraught parent François Miller. “These books can only teach children to solve problems with violence. Kids everywhere are forgetting that they’re not paladins, or wizards, or whatever! It’s dangerous, and you have to ban these corrupting codices, for the good of Random Chaos!”
  2. “People need to mind their own business,” states self-proclaimed nerd and ‘TnT-otaku’ Layla Stromburg, proudly wearing a ‘Jesus Saves And Takes Half Damage’ t-shirt. “This is a positive activity, which can teach you social skills, maths, story-telling, and stuff! Sure, sometimes a player who has too much soda will fling half a dozen four-sided dice at someone’s head, because you know, magic missiles, ha-ha, but no real harm done by that. If this psycho held his fellow students hostage, it was because he was mentally ill, not because he gamed. Maybe deal with the mental health funding gap, and leave our hobby alone?”
  3. “Actually, I think that being taken hostage was our own fault,” suggests Roger Stockholm, one of the crime’s victims. “I mean, he had asked us to game with him for months, but we thought we were too cool to play with dice and toy soldiers, and we even made fun of him. Now I’ve been obliged to try out Trials and Trolls, I realise how amazing it is! You should add the game to the national curriculum. It’ll make us better people.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government's religious works are headed by a New Age guru.

2020-11-11 19:30

Appointment of Spiritual Advisor

It’s time for the government to hire a new religious advisor. Your people have narrowed down the candidates to:

  1. Staunch traditionalist religious leader Lance Stallone: boasts an excellent track record, having rapidly increased religious service attendances in his constituencies through the “Reaching God Through Guilt” program. Seen as a solid choice.
  2. New Age thinker Gertie Brooks: a left-field candidate with some radical ideas. “For me, it’s not about the name of your religion. It’s about discovering your spirituality in whatever guise that takes. Some people call that a cult: I call it taking spirituality to the people.”
  3. Finally, there’s Lars Hawke. “If I am awarded the appointment, I will immediately resign,” the ex-schoolteacher has declared. “Because, frankly, God is a big load of hokey. I’ll be doing everyone a favor by just shutting up about it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, "What's the Frequency, Leader?" is a favorite phrase of backyard radio broadcasters when interrupting official diplomatic channels.

2020-11-11 13:30

Hamming It Up

At a recent event you attended, your security detail was suddenly roused to action by a spate of unknown transmissions loudly received on their ear pieces. After quickly ensuring your safety, guards soon traced the source back to an amateur radio club innocently setting up operations in a nearby lot.

  1. “Aren’t ham radios great?” exclaims tweenaged club member Hugo Marconi, gleefully turning dials on some kind of base station. “With one of these, a person can talk to friends across town, or fellow enthusiasts all the way on the other side of The Hatrackia! You should make sure every kid in Random Chaos has the opportunity to learn about and use these radios! What better way to spread our nation’s message than a free transmitter for every home, and total freedom of the airwaves?”
  2. “I’m delighted to see so much interest in this technology!” remarks your Minister for Bureaucratizing Everything, writing down their remarks to file away later. “We should dedicate a certain segment of the nation’s frequency spectrum for such enthusiasts! We just need some regulations to avoid conflicts like what occurred today… I know! Certifications! If an interested Random Chaosian can pass a government-mandated training program, we let them loose. I’ll get to work on the requirements at once.”
  3. “Frankly, Leader, what happened just proves that the general public can’t be trusted with their own transmissions,” growls your lead bodyguard, looking up from a carefully-filled box score. “We need to keep the radio waves clear for security personnel, emergency dispatchers, and legitimate professional broadcasters for important things like the gamblerball World Championship! If somebody has something to say, let them find work as a professional.”
  4. “I’ve seen computers in other countries that offer even better services than the radio!” offers aspiring tech entrepreneur Miranda Moore, who was fiddling with some electronics nearby. “Citizens plug their systems into devices called ‘modems’ to communicate with each other, allowing them to send electronic mail back and forth in the blink of an eye. Individuals can even create ‘pages’ containing useful information on them, which are able to be accessed at any time! Allow this technology, and you’ll never have to worry about radio interference again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, students cut up leftover chips during Arts and Crafts.

2020-11-11 07:30

Is Our Children Learning?

When a relatively minor official in your government vowed to increase the standard of education in Random Chaos, the press came knocking on your door to ask how this might actually be done.

  1. “It’s all a question of money,” says veteran teacher Venus Burton. “If we really care about education, we’ll make it our number one priority. Boost the education budget, halve the student-teacher ratio, and make sure every teacher has a master’s degree in education. After all, the children are our future.”
  2. “As much as I’d like to have more money, it’s really a question of most of the faculty belonging to one of the most powerful unions in the whole of Random Chaos that stops this school from being great,” says Principal Charlotte Henderson. “I can’t discover which teachers are good and reward them for their excellent work, nor fire the useless ones. Destroying teachers’ unions is perhaps the most important thing we could do.”
  3. “I think enforced specialization is the way to go,” says your defense minister, standing arm in arm with a bishop of a major religion and Random Chaos’s top CEO. “Specialization lets each focus on what they’re truly good at, and I’m sure that religious institutions, the military, and private companies would fork out a bit to train up the next generation, so we could save on taxes too.”
  4. “As we’ve proven in the past, the free market can manage this far better than the public sector,” says market-analyst Hamlet Park. “Now, I’m not saying that the state shouldn’t help people go to school - far from it. Still, schools need greater freedom to maximize learnedness: to set their own tuition, salaries, curricula, etc. Give private schools a small government subsidy, and let the free market take its course. So what if a few poor kids drop out earlier? You can’t make omelettes without breaking a few eggs.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the economy is undergoing a traumatic transition to capitalism.

2020-11-11 01:30

The Bear Necessities

“Planning for the People,” a popular new movement, has been holding protests all over the country after a recent crisis where the Economic Planning Committee accidentally sent 10 tonnes of teddy bears to a small town in dire need of wheat.

  1. “This has gone on long enough!” shouts the leader of the protest, Orson Huffington. “While I am a patriot of our glorious Free Land, things are far from perfect. No-one wants to return our economy to capitalist exploitation, but something must be done about the bureaucratic mess that our country is in! Comrades, instead of centralized planning, we can have a democratically-controlled regionally-devolved economy! Finally we can achieve the socialist dream of workers’ power!”
  2. “This is utter madness!” seethes Vanna Phillips, one of your most trusted economic planners. “The country would be in ruins without our central planning! Who ensures that everything runs smoothly? Sure we mess up sometimes, but hey, we are only human. Besides, we intended to send that town teddy bears. Hmm... yeah, we did intend it! Those teddy bears are edible, you know?”
  3. “More socialism? Have you all gone mad?” fumes foreign Tourism tycoon Cassandra Weasley, whose face is now turning blue with rage. “Violet save me! Your government has no business telling people like me how to run OUR businesses! The only real way to rebuild your anemic economy is to bring back capitalism. Some free market shock therapy would do Random Chaos wonders.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign governments regularly accuse the Random Chaosian military of war crimes.

2020-11-10 19:30

Selling Random Chaos Down the River?

Blueriver, a private security company hired by Random Chaos during foreign interventions, made headlines when footage emerged of their mercenaries grotesquely torturing prisoners. Shocked and appalled, civil rights activists from around the world are calling on Random Chaos to do something.

  1. “Why did Random Chaos feel the need to hire mercenary groups like Blueriver in the first place?” rhetorically questions Kate Torres, a jaded veteran of the Wezeltonian War. “The answer is clear: the army uses hired guns to cover up the body count of shady foreign interventions. Such dishonorable conduct sickens me. It’s about time the military was open and honest about its actions. Only our brave soldiers should engage in conflicts, not amoral sell-swords who are notorious for looting.”
  2. “That’s naive,” frankly states the CEO of Blueriver, Nikita Christensen, who would only talk with you behind closed doors. “The reason the military hires my ... operatives in the first place is plausible deniability. Random Chaos’s armed forces were clearly not involved in this breach of human rights. No harm done, eh? Release a short statement criticizing the atrocities, and then start a long, drawn-out ‘investigation’. People will forget all this happened in no time. Then we can get back to doing what we do best. Just don’t ask too many questions as to what that might be.”
  3. “Sir, if we didn’t have quite so many of these pesky ‘human rights’ laws to follow in the first place, we wouldn’t be in this mess,” suggests Tina Jefferson, an army lifer. “Don’t even get me started on the Genièvre Convention. Terrorists spit upon all the values of civilized society, and yet some people want to prevent us from using all possible methods to stop these monsters. Give my boys the freedoms they need to get the job done, and we won’t need to hire those contractor goons so often.”
  4. “Hah!” interjects Carrie Pushkin, head of Medicine not Machineguns, a humanitarian aid charity. “And just why is Blueriver finding so much work overseas? It might just be because half of our neighbors have been carpet-bombed into the stone age by us at some point or another. Maybe we should consider sending aid operatives instead? Building up a bit of goodwill would mean we wouldn’t have to deploy shocktroopers all the time.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos recently hosted the least successful trade negotiations since The Phantom Menace.

2020-11-10 13:30

Negotiation Complication

For the past few months, your administration has been working on a landmark trade deal with the historically hostile nation of Blackacre. On the eve of the agreement’s planned signing, Georgia Mormont — a high-ranking official from the Blackacrean government — has approached you with the intent to defect.

  1. “If we upset the Blackacreans, months of planning could go to waste!” whispers your suspicious Minister of Pragmatism as she glares at the visibly trembling Blackacrean advisor. “Blackacre would never allow their Chief of Staff to defect! We have to turn her away and report this to Blackacre. It may be cold, but I stand — I mean, we stand to make a lot from this trade deal. This agreement could be the path to a long-lasting peace between our two nations — don’t let a single defector stand in our way.”
  2. “Leader, please don’t abandon me!” quietly pleads Mormont, as she pulls you into a secluded corner of the room. “I’m almost absolutely sure that they’ve discovered my intentions to defect by now. If you don’t protect me, the secret police will be sure to ‘disappear’ me. Let me stay and I will give you valuable information that you could use against Blackacre. Trade deals might be valuable, but trust me, the secrets I know are worth so much more. Want to know where their secret nuclear missile launch sites are? Yes, I thought you would...”
  3. “I agree that they’d never let her defect,” comments your shady Intelligence Minister, as he escorts you out of the room. “Which is why I’m surprised she’s here — the Blackacrean Supreme Leader keeps close watch on all of her subordinates. She must have been sent here to spy on us, but that’s fine. We’ll feed her dirty intel, track her communications, and who knows? We could find ourselves a spy network, right here in Random Chaos. I’m sure you’ll agree this is the best course of action, hmm?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, enemy navies sail within bombardment range of major coastal cities with impunity.

2020-11-10 07:30

The Hunt for Violet November

Blackacre, a nation historically opposed to Random Chaos, has declared that their submarine Violet November has gone missing, and are keen to scour the area where it was last spotted — just off the edge of the Random Chaosian continental shelf.

  1. “Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice, Leader,” says Tyrone Lancaster, a diminutive Blackacrean ambassador. “Our submarine was just a training vessel that got erm... blown off course... or something. But the main issue here is saving the thirty crew members that are on board before their oxygen runs out! Any kind of help will be greatly appreciated: freedom of movement for our search boats, logistical aid, rescue teams, engineers... This is such a great opportunity for our two nations to start on a path towards greater friendship.”
  2. “A training vessel? Yeah! Right!” exclaims Rear Admiral Márquez as the ambassador leaves your office. “I bet all my navy ribbons that we’re talking about a spy sub or a nuke platform! Those Blackacreans are always stirring up trouble and encroaching into our territorial waters. You should have our own submarines, frigates and destroyers search out and destroy unauthorised military vessels, including this sub, once we find it! That will give them something to think about before trespassing here again.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Subsidized Industry and the Top 10% for Most Advanced Public Transport.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, confessions don't count if suffixed with "izzle".

2020-11-10 01:30

Rap Sheet

Notorious gangster-rapper Wally E was recently taken to court for the suspected murder of a policeman, but was found innocent due to lack of evidence. This surprised many, as one of his more popular raps (“I Killed A Cop And I Liked It”) contained a complete confession for the shooting within its lyrics.

  1. “How could we let this happen? I tell you, rap music is just sick minds preaching to a sick audience,” spits right-wing demagogue Faith Claus, free-styling on stage with a microphone in front of a cheering crowd. “There has to be something wrong with you to enjoy its message of anarchistic hate. We’re talking about a recorded confession, flaunted in public. Rappers should be held to account for their hateful words, and their filth music should be admissible as court evidence.” With that, she drops the mic, and strides off to rapturous applause.
  2. “Woah woah woah, I mean... just cos I got, you know, artistic words shouldn’t mean you haters should hate me,” argues Wally E, reading from a prepared statement. “I mean, like, don’t hate freedom of artistic expression, or something? I don’t mean everything in my songs literally. We should be free, to like, artistically express. We are artists. Expressing ourselves. So don’t hate on me. Yeah.”
  3. “The problem here is that rap music is terrible trash, enjoyed only by the musical illiterati,” observes classical guitarist Karl Johnson, strumming out a complex flamenco ligado. “Shouldn’t we pursue a bare minimum of artistic standards in our cultural output? Perhaps the government should create an official Music Standards Bureau to regulate what sort of material gets airplay and exposure. Frankly, we need a better class of music.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there is an abondance of ackawi and zartschmelzend in every Random Chaosian grocery store.

2020-11-09 19:30

Would a Rochebaron by Any Other Name Smell Just as Sweet?

A newly-founded religious group, Vive La Chèvre, has vigorously protested the government’s hard line against dairy farming.

  1. “It’s edam shame that cheese isn’t a delicious sector of our economy!” declares the fanatical Val Taleggio, who appears to have constructed clothing out of a variety of dairy products. “Cheese is love. Cheese is life. We must force people to eat cheese, regardless of their dietary problems, so everyone can learn to love one another in the name of dairy. Otherwise poor souls will live forever provolone.” He then starts building a shrine of cheese around your desk.
  2. “Cry me a river of cow’s milk. Cheese is an offense to our culture and everything we stand for, ¡No Parmesan!” decries perpetually confused anti-fascist and lifelong turophobe Jack Monterey. “It’s a vile and disgusting food that at least .02% of Random Chaos’s population believes to be immoral. The masses have spoken: cheese must be caerphilly removed from every corner of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Surely there’s potential for a compromise between those two emmental cases,” says Chippy Cheesie, president of Marche Noire’s biggest dairy firm. “Cheese is a promising sector of the Random Chaosian economy with huge potential for growth. It would be awful gouda you to spend a few tax chips to help build up a dairy industry from scratch. I’m sure Random Chaosians will appreciate having more of their food grown domestically, so the subsidy could even be popular.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids are taught in schools to argue with their parents.

2020-11-09 13:30

Just Plane Ridiculous

As of late, a growing number of Random Chaosian citizens are adopting the idea that the world is flat. After an all out brawl started in the typically level-headed Department of Geography, you’ve decided to call in experts on the matter to settle the issue once and for all.

  1. “It’s plain to see that the world exists as a flat plane,” claims amateur researcher Gene Gruber, playin’ with homophones. “I boarded a plane once, and I didn’t see the slightest bit of curvature on the plain below us as we flew over. The spherical earth theory is simply a global conspiracy by the so-called ‘sciences’ to flatly deny the truth of our planal existence. You should roundly denounce them and spread the word all around the earth!”
  2. “While we may not have the answers for everything, one thing we can be sure of is that the earth is definitely not flat,” states renowned geographer Malon Nakatomi, absent-mindedly using a miniature globe as a stress-ball. “To deny this easily provable theory is the height of ignorance. We have to correct these illogical assumptions before anti-intellectualism takes root in our society. You must give us as many chips as we need in order to show flat-earthers that their beliefs are false.”
  3. “That still won’t convince them!” insists international celebrity scientist Will Zeke the Science Geek, brushing back the static of his hair. “These morons will only believe something if they see it with their own eyes. If we subsidise the space tourism industry, then any doubters will be able to go into orbit and gain a little perspective.”
  4. “So, does it really matter if a few adults reject science?” shrugs comedian Sean Thiesen, popping his head in through the window. “Let people say that the earth is round, or flat, or built on the back of a giant turtle named ‘Alfred’. It’s just one more source of easy jokes. But, still, you should probably increase the funding for school science classes... seriously. Adults can believe whatever they like, but they shouldn’t be left to screw up their kids’ heads.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all industry is owned and run by the government.

2020-11-09 07:30

Economic Collapse Looms!

Big business, fed up with over-regulation in Random Chaos, are heading offshore in ever-increasing numbers.

  1. “Good riddance!” says noted environmentalist Marin Jele. “Sniff that air! It’s never been so clean! At last, our society is freeing itself from the consumer death-trap! I say it’s time to take the final step and outlaw capitalism once and for all!”
  2. “This is a catastrophe waiting to happen,” says the Chamber of Commerce. “Think of the consequences! Without big business, where do the jobs come from? Where do we get our medicine? Our cars? Our latest fashions? There are dozens of useless regulations the government could abolish today to make life easier for commerce, and it’s high time they did.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry and Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, behind every great person are three dozen other people passing great memos.

2020-11-09 01:30

Inexpert Opinions

Scandalously, a recent TV interview revealed that your Minister for Public Health doesn’t know much about being healthy. He didn’t know the difference between a bacterium and a virus, and thought that Ebola was the name of a Bigtopian princess.

  1. Director of Communications Malcolm Capaldi has had a very busy day shouting at his inferiors, but makes some time to shout at you. “Right, that is it! I’ve had enough of politicians with no experience or knowledge of their department’s aegis. It’s about as useful as asking a brain surgeon to climb a tree! What’s next? An Environmental Advisor who doesn’t believe in climate change? I say we need properly qualified professionals leading their departments. A doctor caring for the health service, a teacher in charge of education, and so on. In fact, there should be a mandatory examination paper that you have to pass to hold a government position. No more idiot politicians, please!”
  2. Much to everyone’s surprise, Xu Santos, the shamed Public Health Minister, squeezes in through your window, having climbed a tree to your floor. “Whew... I think I’ve evaded those journalists! I agree that we must ensure this doesn’t happen again. We ministers should be better supported in our appointments; we can only be as good as our briefings! A proper team of aides and analysts for all officials will ensure we don’t get caught out again, even if it increases administrative costs. Oh, by the way, in case anyone asks you, it turns out Ebola is a type of disease!”
  3. Your mother walks in with a tray of freshly baked cookies for everyone. “I don’t know about all these big ideas; the problem is quite simple. Only you know how you want to run this country. It’s all well and good having friends to help but I’m not sure they actually do anything. Surely you can do it all yourself, little darling; you shouldn’t let anyone question your decisions or your absolute rule. Any spare politicians that won’t bow out gracefully you should get rid of. Just give them a poisoned cookie or something.” She smiles innocently as your Public Health Minister desperately spits out a mouthful of crumbs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians preface their speeches with a declaration that any resemblance to speeches given by individuals living or dead is purely coincidental.

2020-11-08 19:30

Use Your Words

Shortly after your Finance Minister delivered a rousing speech to shore up support for your latest budget, it was discovered that the majority of the speech was plagiarized from a popular Brancalandian economist.

  1. “Schools have expelled students for plagiarism; the same rules should apply to the highest offices of the land,” notes Random Chaosian Language Professor Kellyanne Rios, looking over a transcript of your latest speech. “Plagiarism is essentially theft, and we ought to take a tougher stance. The Minister should be sacked! Besides, it hardly looks good on you when supposedly expert cabinet ministers are caught stealing content from a second-rate Brancalandian economist.” She finishes reading your speech. “Hmm, this speech seems awfully familiar to the one that leader made in that alien invasion movie.”
  2. “So what if my speech was similar to what some hack economist wrote?” questions your Finance Minister, who hasn’t been seen since the speech. “People enjoyed the speech, and support for the budget had gone up! Of course those polls were taken before this so-called scandal, but that’s beside the point! People are making way too big a deal of this when there are way more important things for them to be worried about like, um, so how about them...” He trails off. “Let’s just ride this out and people will forget about it. At least until the next scandal.”
  3. “And what kind of message does that send to children?” scolds your personal assistant while tsking the Finance Minister. “It seems to me that the problem is the lack of competent speechwriters. Why not invest in the administrative budget so we can hire some quality people? It may cost an extra chip or two, but it’s better than being embarrassed by discount writers who think that Twilight is the height of literary genius.”
  4. “You could at least acknowledge me if you’re going to use my work,” sighs Pete Zhimo, the Brancalandian economist, after wandering away from a tour group. “Or better yet, you could pay me to use my work. Us economists aren’t exactly rolling in the dough, you know!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no cul-de-sac or trailer park is complete without a gambling parlor.

2020-11-08 13:30

Betting on the Future

During a family dinner, your brother - who is well-known for his fondness for slot machines - bemoaned the fact that his favorite casino was going out of business. The next day, you found out that he has secretly arranged to have several major casino owners meet you in your office.

  1. Edward Rump, owner of the failing casino, shakes your hand for an awkwardly extended period of time. “There are so many problems for honest businessmen like me. That’s what they’re all saying. Believe me, the worst is the terrible zoning and property laws in our nation today. The worst. We need to have our casinos in the best places to reach the very very best people. These laws are destroying our nation. Bigly. Without them, it’ll be amazing. Only the best, I’m telling you. You’ll have so much money, you’ll be sick of money.”
  2. “No, you’ve got it all backwards,” says ‘Portly’ Pete Russo, board member of the Random Chaosian Gambling Commission, while lighting a cigar. “What’s killin’ us are those taxes of yours. They’re highway robbery! Shift the tax burden from us to income tax and I bet we’d be able to increase our operations and bring in even bigger hauls that’d more’n make up the difference. Seriously, I’ll give you two-to-one odds, what’d you say? Anyway, we’re the lifeblood of the economy, and you wouldn’t want to be the one responsible for bumpin’ off an industry that nets ya so much dough, now would ya?”
  3. Your brother, who has been eavesdropping the whole time through your office door’s keyhole, interrupts the group. “How about instead we use tax money to purchase credit for casinos and then distribute that credit to every taxpayer? That way they’re basically getting a tax break and there’s an incentive for people to try these really entertaining games. Oh - totally unrelated - but could you lend me some money again?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the beauty of coastal towns is marred only slightly by all the closed-down storefronts.

2020-11-08 07:30

You Cruise, You Lose?

For years, small towns along the nation’s coast have been popular cruise ship destinations. However, with increasingly frequent visits by overwhelming numbers of passengers, one seaside town is attempting to ban all tourist vessels from stopping there.

  1. “These massive ships have polluted our coastal waters, driven away all the fish and caused sizeable erosion damage with their wakes,” declares Jean-Luc Octavian, spokesperson for the town’s commercial fishing consortium. “My colleagues and I used to be able to make a decent living from harvesting the abundant resources of our coastal waters. But ever since these bilge-spewing behemoths started showing up, we’ve had to sail out farther and farther, and still can’t catch more than a few minnows. The only way to ensure our industry’s survival is to allow this ban to go through.”
  2. “Are you insane? Those tourists bring in tons of money,” sputters restaurant owner Nomathemba van de Berg, drying a handful of utensils with a rag that looks dirtier than the floor. “I can charge these camera-toting cruisers five chips for a glass of water, and twelve for a sandwich — and they’ll happily pay it! The government should be encouraging tourism with an international advertising campaign.”
  3. “Businesses can’t function without customers, but we need corporate responsibility from the cruise line operators. What if we just apply fines every time they violate our town’s natural beauty?” suggests local police officer Wei Columbus, opening a new bag of plastic hand restraints labeled ‘now 20% more circulation-restricting!’ “Chemical pollution, constant noise, tourists urinating in the fountains — all of these abhorrent side effects can be curbed by giving local governments the power to issue punitive fines. Of course, you should also hold CEOs more directly accountable...” He twirls a pair of handcuffs with a grin on his face.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rotary phones are considered cutting-edge technology.

2020-11-08 01:30

Freemium Isn’t Free

Popular mobile game “Super Epic Mega Tap-Tap Fantasy” reported profits in excess of one billion chips in the last financial year. While some of your advisors are delighted at the stream of taxable income, others consider spending in mobile games to have reached excessive levels.

  1. “This kind of marketing scheme should be illegal,” declares activist Steffan Lewis, pausing a game of open-source Pong. “Emphasizing spending for virtual items with no real-world purpose serves only to trick people who cannot help themselves and to fatten the developers’ wallets! Children who don’t know how hard their mommies and daddies work for their chips are learning that paying everything for nothing is okay! Do you want to have to explain why the next generation is full of gamblers?”
  2. “Illegal? A generation of gamblers? What exaggerations,” scoffs Norta Scamm, CEO of Extreme Colossal Fantasy Inc. “Supporting these ‘activists’ would itself be preposterous! We have the right to cater to our fans, and if some people don’t like our game, they can just not play it and keep their mouths shut around those who do! I worked hard to get my managers to make our developers make this game, and I, er, my company deserves to be able to earn money for its work!”
  3. “Have you ever asked any of us what we think?” challenges self-confessed “completionist” Asok Schwarzenegger, scanning your office for the best signal. “We have spent thousands, some of us millions, on these games. It’s not a matter of gambling, but an actual mental health disorder! We need to raise awareness for these addictions, and companies that condone this ‘whaling’ can pay for our rehabilitation!”
  4. “Y’all see, this is why we don’t need no fancy app-lik-ay-shuns,” rails Falala Baldwin, occupying your lawn and shooing passersby off it. “Back’n my day, we worked sun up til sun down on our pa’s farms, an’ if we had any time to spare it was playin’ cards with friends at the pub! No fancy veer-chew-al items an’ games, just good old paper cards and shiny, round chips! What y’all need ta do is get rid o’ these fancy-shmancy eye-phones and get back to what our country was founded on!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens with artificial limbs are forbidden to serve as beauty pageant judges.

2020-11-07 19:30

I, Robot, Do Solemnly Swear

Last week, a humanoid robot announced its intentions to serve as the nation’s first android federal judge. Concerned citizens have come to you as to the implications and legality of this potential appointment.

  1. “Surely we cannot allow this, right?” asks Chief Justice Gabriel Bell while curling the end of his beard around his finger. “Letting them vote would be one thing, but robot judges? What if it malfunctions or someone tampers with it? We need to put an end to this right now. If we manufactured it, it shouldn’t be allowed to serve in the judiciary.”
  2. “He’s a— it’s a WHAT?” yells Wei Grossman, your Minister of Zero Tolerance. “This robot had to be made by someone right? You don’t see how that could go horribly, horribly wrong? It’s clearly a power grab by someone with deep connections at the Friendly Robot Company. We need to conduct a full on investigation of the entire industry and this robot; who made him, who paid for him, what he is capable of — the works!”
  3. “If I may disagree,” politely asks iCroft Holmes, the robot nominee. “A robotic judge has numerous benefits that the esteemed gentlemen are deliberately omitting. We can view decisions in a rational and analytical manner, unburdened by emotions. We would make decisions for the betterment of the people. The judiciary would become streamlined and efficient. Surely, these are virtues the government wants?”
  4. “I warned you!” scolds noted technophobe Brian Myers after smashing your telephone. “But no one would listen. You became dependent on these soulless machines, integrated them into every facet of your lives, and look, now they dare to judge us! We’ve got to rid Random Chaos of these toasters once and for all! Ban artificial intelligence and bring some sanity back to our country!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the new Really Big Telescope has been praised for presenting pictures of bright dots in unprecedented detail.

2020-11-07 13:30

The Fault Is in Our Stars

Your Astrological Advisor has yet again called for an immediate halt to all governmental activities. When questioned, she insisted that it must be done as the skies have been clouded over for several days, thus making astral readings too inaccurate for any important decisions to be made. Flanked by a colorful variety of different personalities and opinions, she has stridden into your office to warn you of great danger.

  1. “It is an omen of the oncoming storm!” cries your Astrological Advisor, tightly clutching her copy of the Random Chaosian Horoscope and a mysterious blue book. “For years the stars have blessed us with their favor, but now that they are gone we can only assume that they have abandoned us! Leader, for the sake of Random Chaos, the government should do as little as possible during these uncertain and dangerous times. You never know what those Gemini folks could be planning!”
  2. “The government’s actions shouldn’t be dictated by such crackpot nonsense!” blusters Francine Garcia, a renowned atheist and Gemini. “As a nation, we must strive to put aside our archaic astrological beliefs and instead focus on a logic-based approach. Only through this can we function properly as a political institution. If this means getting rid of all these so-called star prophets, so be it. Besides, they’re just big spheres of exploding gas!”
  3. “The problem is not in the stars,” laments astronomer Konrad McKinnon, a Capricorn who is feeling somewhat under the weather this week. “Instead, it lies with our tools. We lack the powerful telescopes needed to see through this cloud cover. With a small contribution from the public, we can build a gigantic telescope that will give us pictures of the constellations no matter what the weather may be!”
  4. “Stars, huh, what are they good for?” says self-proclaimed ‘Alternative Diviner’ Edwin Worr, while tossing a handful of asparagus stalks in the air. “We can’t just shut down the government every time a cloud is in the sky. This sort of thing will keep happening again and again and again. If you hire me, I will use more reliable methods such as asparamancy and tyromancy. That way, when I’m done divining, you’ll have delicious asparagus and cheese to eat afterward for no cost at all.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens who don't meet government health standards are whisked away never to be seen again.

2020-11-07 07:30

A Vat Lot of Trouble

A major contamination of Random Chaos’s Citizen Creation Vats has caused millions of your newest citizens to be ‘born’ with severe mental illnesses. An emergency meeting of your top Ministers has been called to decide what to do about the issue.

  1. “It’s obvious what must be done,” says Jyn Andersson, your Minister for Artificial Citizens. “We must regrow new brains for the lot of them. It’ll cost a fortune, but it’s our duty as their leaders. It’s our fault these citizens are suffering; so naturally, we must do all we can to fix the problem. What other option is there? Think of your citizens.”
  2. “Are you insane?” asks your Public Relations Coordinator. “-er ahem, but think of the money! It would cost billions of chips to regrow and transplant that many brains. Mark my words, if you give them new brains, you’ll have a coup on your hands for sending our economy into a tailspin. No. No. Absolutely not. We must,” he leans in with a pained look, “ship these ‘defectives’ off to a secluded island somewhere, so we can forget they ever existed.”
  3. An old man on the street who has been jabbing at you through the window with his cane chimes in, “The solution is plain as day you doddering fools! These vats must be closed immediately and the technology banned! They’re unnatural abominations! You know how I came into this world? Kicking and screaming from the loins of my mother! The government must allow people to have sex again and give birth the way God intended!”
  4. “Oh no no no, we’ve invested too much money into the national vat system to throw it all away over one minor incident,” stresses your Financial Minister Newt Garrison. “Look at the situation from a resource standpoint. This batch of resources is damaged, so naturally, the most economical solution is to remove the damaged products, dispose of them, and recycle the functional parts back into the vats. We must reduce, reuse and recycle, Leader, for the good of our national vats - and for the good of Random Chaos, of course.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens and the Top 10% for Greatest Rich-Poor Divides.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government's economic policy is "sort it yourself".

2020-11-07 01:30

The Unbearable Lightness of Government

After the sudden withdrawal of a large portion of the government’s budget threatened overnight collapse of the Random Chaosian economy, panicked - and now jobless - bureaucrats have flocked to your office demanding a swift U-turn in government policy.

  1. “Yes! Re-institute the subsidies,” implores former civil servant Llywelyn Suzuki, searching behind your desk for loose change. “If we act now, there’s still a chance we can raise the money needed to save our economy - and my career!”
  2. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” declares Sabina Carpenter, head - and last remaining employee - of the Random Chaosian Revenue Agency, recently voted most popular person in Random Chaos. “Did you see the look on our citizens’ faces when we slashed taxes? Give them even more control over their economic futures, and the economy will surely recover in time.”
  3. “The ECONOMY has collapsed?!?” splutters a near-hysterical Amanda Hopkins. “You need some perspective - our entire public sector has been devastated overnight! Millions left destitute, without education, healthcare or pensions. Rather than cosying up to business again, we urgently need a restoration of the welfare budgets you callously axed!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, auditors are gutting every governmental department.

2020-11-06 19:30

The Long and Winding Halls of Random Chaos City

Earlier this month, one of your aides stumbled upon a makeshift encampment of missing bureaucrats in the bowels of Random Chaos City. Their discovery has prompted debate on whether the government has become too large and unwieldy.

  1. “Is this the government or a damned shanty town?” belts conservative leader Alexander Breitbart while slamming down his proposal on your desk. “We need to slash everything! Slash every department in half and rein this bloated government back in! Cut John Q. Taxpayer a break and ax our wasteful spending!”
  2. “Now wait. Let’s not be too hasty,” cautions Ed Harper, your Minister of the Department of Housing and Urban Development for the Department of the Interior’s Interior. “Sure, maybe the government is a teensie bit too big, but why can’t we solve this with scissors instead of a hatchet? Let’s appoint a Minister in charge of Governmental Oversight to examine our budget and see what reasonable cuts can be made. Trust me, Leader, you don’t want to go axing such crucial departments without some investigation.”
  3. “What we have discovered is the bureaucrat’s natural habitat,” soothingly narrates renowned naturalist Nigel Verithorough. “We have visited this tribal community several times since its discovery and have made great strides in understanding their unfamiliar ways. What was immediately clear to us was that this community would never be able to survive in our world. In the name of cultural preservation, we must protect their environment - in this case, the catacombs of Random Chaos’s Capitol. Study and observe, but do not destroy, Leader.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no one tells their son "you're the man of the house" any more.

2020-11-06 13:30

How to Choose the Chosen One

A minority population in South-West Random Chaos, ardent followers of the Tranquility of Yellow, have proclaimed eight year old Richard as their new Great Advisor, regarded by Yellowites as the supreme spiritual authority. As followers prepare to pledge allegiance to the child, your inner circle worry that these people are too devoted to Yellowism and are undermining your authority.

  1. “These South-West Random Chaosians have always been troublesome,” declares Head of Security Yolanda Frederickson, as she patrols the perimeter of your desk. “We should kidnap this Richard boy and keep him hidden forever. We’ll secure him where no one will ever find him. Then, we install our own ‘Great Advisor’ — a Random Chaosian loyal only to the state. Force these Yellowites to follow our chosen child deity, and if they refuse — shoot them!”
  2. “They certainly are troublesome,” agrees General McFly, pushing your security chief out of the way with her parade stick. “However, kidnapping a child seems a bit extreme, even for me! I suggest we incentivise a wave of devoted Random Chaosians to move into the South-West region, until they dominate the region. The Yellowites may have their Great Advisor, but he will have to go to school with good Random Chaosian children and be taught our worldview from dedicated Random Chaosian teachers. Once he comes round to our way of life, the rest will follow.”
  3. “I sense an opportunity here,” opines your Propaganda Minister, Hugh Springsteen, as he trips up on the carpet, then glares at your interns. “Why don’t we make Richard your official, ahem, Great Advisor? With him advising you — and a large team stage managing every word that comes out of his mouth — the Yellowites will have to follow your every command without question and their troublesome behaviour will be a thing of the past. Not only that, but if anything ever goes wrong, we can blame it on the kid!”
  4. “Can’t you leave us alone?” sighs Minerva Bronte, the religious leader of the Yellowite people. “For centuries we have followed Yellowism and heeded our Great Advisor. You can force him to learn your language or speak your words, you can even kidnap him, but we will never bow to your demands or change who we are. Cut us, and we bleed yellow... perhaps not literally, but you get the point. Loosen your grip on the South-West, and let our people be free to follow our conscience!”
  5. “Hello? What about asking me what I want?” pouts Richard, throwing the toys he’s been playing with the whole time. “I don’t really want to be the Great Advisor, but my mum said I have to be. But it sounds so boring, listening to prayers and giving advice to old geezers. And, I don’t see why I should be Leader’s lackey. If I’m that great, I should be able to do anything. And I want to just play with my friends. And stay up all night watching movies — oh, and make mum get me gallons of ice-cream. Just leave me alone and keep me out of your adult arguments.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bruised children are made to thank their bullies for the valuable life lessons.

2020-11-06 08:00

Teenage Kicks

Dozens of children were seriously injured last week, during Kick a Ginger Day, the traditional start-of-term ritual in which generations of redheaded children at Gambler Lake Secondary School have been attacked by their classmates. The Principal says their staff, notably devoid of redheads, were out to lunch and heard nothing of the rampage. Sensing a photo-op, you have cancelled your Step-Yoga class and headed over to the school to meet the parents.

  1. “THIS IS BULLYING!” yells civil-rights activist and parent of redheaded twins, Rochelle Roberts, showing you a photograph of her children in hospital beds. “It is unconscionable for me to even think that my poor daughters were beaten for something they can’t control! All children should be treated equally, regardless of their hair color. What if it was ‘Bash a Blonde Day’? Would that be okay? I say we must take a hard line on all forms of bullying in our schools, and wipe it out: teasing, joking, badinage, poking fun, mockery, harrying, pestering...”
  2. “Bullying? Please! Now what are those liberal ninnies whining about?” scoffs Adele Harker, whose brown-haired son, Paxton, participated in the ritual kicking. “They were foot nudges, uncomfortable for a minute. Two, maybe. Not harmful at all. This is really the erosion of our traditions by the left-wing elite, the suppression of childish high spirits by folks who’d see them become tax-payin’ tree-huggin’ robots. Why, we did it all the time when I was a kid. At the end, all the normal kids give those weird gingers a hearty thump on the back, accepting ‘em as good sports. And they like that. Keep the nanny state out of the playground, and respect our ancient traditions.”
  3. “Rubbish!” snorts Cornelius Filoni, an avid amateur gamblerball fan, who busily plucks lint from his West Random Chaos City Wanderers sweatshirt and has barely glanced at his daughter. “Getting kids to be nice, allowing kids to beat each other up. What kids really need is daily contact sports to work off that energy. Once you thrash your opponent on the field, thrashing them with your fist seems kind of pointless. And, there’s another upside. Little Tammy Thompson won’t have the strength to beat-up anyone if she’s spent all day kicking a ball.”
  4. “The obvious solution has been overlooked,” states another parent, programmer Jill ‘Chips’ Wei, who has spent her whole life trying to blend in. “Simply dye everyone’s hair the same colour when they start school. You don’t know what it’s like, Leader. The beating of the drums would start, and then the remorseless chanting, and all the teachers would lock themselves in the staffroom until it was over. To protect children from their playmates’ scorn and savagery, uniformity is the only way.” Paxton Harker’s parent trips her up, and a group of brunette parents guffaw.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, private law firms are unheard of.

2020-11-06 01:30

The Cost of Freedom

After a highly publicized arrest, in which one of the nation’s wealthiest celebrities was detained for assaulting two of her servants with a priceless Fabergé egg, some of Random Chaos’s rich have begun demanding the right to avoid prison terms by paying off their victims.

  1. “It makes, like, no sense for someone like ME to be stuck here for three WHOLE DAYS,” whines Clarrisse Milton during a jail cell interview, only after dimming the lights and getting earplugs for her hangover. “And the trial hasn’t even STARTED. My daddy has PLENTY of money and, like, nothing better to spend it on. He could just give a few million chips to the victims’ families and, um... like, the government. That’s fair, right?”
  2. “You’ve got to be kidding me!” bellows Random Chaos’s Attorney General, Gerald Mumford, angrily pounding his fist on your desk. “No one should be above the law, no matter how much money they have! It’s bad enough that they can hire some shyster lawyer to get them off on a technicality most of the time. As a matter of fact, we should make the rich use public defenders. It’s only fair considering everyone else is stuck with them. You know what, just expand the entire public defenders’ office while you’re at it.”
  3. “Instead of wasting money on prisons for violent criminals, I could take care of your problem,” suggests Yoshi Tarkin, Random Chaos’s wealthiest psychopath, while polishing a rifle. “I’m an unrivaled hunter, but with animals there’s no challenge for an expert such as myself. If you sent prey to my island estate, I’d be willing to throw a few chips the government’s way. You save money; I take care of the scum in your penal system. Sounds like a win-win to me.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, anyone who so much as frowns risks being referred to a mental health unit.

2020-11-05 19:30

Going Off the Rails

With suicide-by-train incidents in Random Chaos’s stations becoming disturbingly common, commuters and rail operators are irritated by the impact on their day-to-day activities.

  1. “We need to be compensated for the monetary losses that these suicides have caused us,” the CEO of your nation’s largest rail company states frankly. “These incidents are inconvenient, and handling them requires a lot of time and effort; and time is, of course, money. It’s not right that these people get away with disrupting our business, as well as our customers’ commutes. I humbly suggest that their families should be required to compensate us on their behalf. It’s only fair.”
  2. “I have places to go and things to do!” an angry commuter vents in an interview with Random Chaos City News, which is playing on your office television. “These lunatics keep forcing train delays, and that means that I can’t get to work on time. My boss is absolutely irate! Look, the government should stick cowcatchers on the trains, then the body parts can just be pushed out of the way. No more delays.”
  3. “People who try to kill themselves shouldn’t be punished for being ill, and neither should the families of victims of suicide,” your Minister of Health, Adama Gates, entreats passionately. “Being suicidal is often a sign of mental illness or depression, and our government mustn’t stoop to punishing families for having sick relatives. We ought to focus on suicide prevention rather than hounding these families for money, and we would save a lot of lives through education and extending a helping hand to those who need our support.”
  4. “I’m getting tired of seeing yellow tape every time I go to take the train in the morning. The atmosphere in stations is getting grimmer by the day,” your receptionist, Dixie Meier, comments absent-mindedly while handing you some coffee. “I think that you could hit two birds with one stone here if you redecorated the train stations. Suicidal people would be far less likely to take the terrible leap if the stations had pleasant music playing, motivational posters, and psychedelic paint jobs all over their walls. Oh, and maybe some pizza joints in the station too! Everyone loves pizza.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, getting caught with the wrong recipe book can get you locked up for 100 - 500 megaseconds.

2020-11-05 13:30

The Old Metric

Switching over to the metric system has certainly benefited your scientists and other such intellectuals. The common populace, however, is expressing a measure of doubt.

  1. “It’s such a headache!” complains celebrity chef Chun-Li Bender, brandishing a sauce-covered calculator. “I’d need to be an accountant to convert all my old recipes, and how do you expect me to quickly know how much broth I need when the measurement isn’t straight from the box itself? If the scientific folk want to use the metric system, let them, but don’t expect the common man to suffer for them!”
  2. “If it apparently takes so much time to do unit conversions, this is clearly an educational issue,” states math teacher Hercules Grossman, while snatching the calculator from Chun-Li and delicately cleaning it. “With some more funding for mandatory after-school mathematics academies, our next generations will be able to calculate between any measurement system at lightning speed!” He delicately places the calculator on your desk. “Why, we may not even have a need for this soon enough.”
  3. “They don’t want to comply?” questions gruff researcher Dr. May Nagasawa, who’s known to be a bit of a loose-cannon, but a damn good scientist. “It’s not that hard to use the metric system! I say, if we find these perps with even a centigram of paper with the old measurement system on it we force them to convert it on the spot. If they refuse, lock them up and throw away the key.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, crime is on the rise as DNA sampling has been all but outlawed.

2020-11-05 07:30

Police Wanting Help With Their Inquiries

After delayed DNA evidence put a notorious rapist behind bars the police have demanded that it be mandatory for those accused of a crime to surrender blood and tissue samples to aid the elimination process.

  1. “I’m surprised this hasn’t been brought up sooner,” says Chief Constable Hugo Brooks. “If we have DNA samples of all the accused it will make solving crimes like rape and murder that much faster! Sure, some people will think it’s a tad invasive, but in my experience if you’re worried by something like giving up a few drops of the red stuff then you’ve probably got something to hide.”
  2. “This is a breach of privacy in every meaning of the word!” criminal defence attorney Miranda Hawke exclaims. “Or three words, but this is an outrage! It’s these peoples’ bodies, not the government’s nor the police’s. If they want to give a DNA sample it should be THEIR decision! Now I’ll admit there have been times when DNA sampling has helped solve a case or two but shouldn’t we be upholding the inherent right of every man and woman to have their body remain unmolested unless they should so choose it? Undoubtedly! DNA sampling should only take place with the person’s informed consent.”
  3. “What about the victims of these crimes?” asks DI Tom Orbison, ever gruff and stalwart in the face of adversity. “Do they not have rights? Their right to privacy’s been violated so it ought to be the responsibility of the criminal to give up his own. What I propose is the collection of DNA samples from every citizen in Random Chaos so we can track down the culprit if none of our suspects come up with anything. It’ll be expensive, sure, there’s 1.064 billion people to go through... but it’s just a small blood sample. Don’t you think it’s worth it?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Advanced Public Transport and Largest Mining Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, roads are often attended by round-the-clock construction crews.

2020-11-05 01:30

Roads Like Roller Coasters, Complain Motorists

A group of local motorists have assembled outside of City Hall to protest against the shoddy state of roads in Random Chaos.

  1. “These roads are terrible!” shouts Shigeru Zhu, president of the Random Chaos Auto Club. “Every few feet there’s a crack, or a pothole, or a gravel patch, or the remains of someone else’s car! It’s really too much! And just look at this-” he adds, rubbing a nasty bruise on his forehead - “I got that from my rear-view mirror after flying over a bump on Main Street! These roads must be fixed! There really needs to be vast improvements made now, before anyone gets seriously hurt.”
  2. Sue-Ann Fields, avowed anti-spending advocate, disagrees: “Road construction? What a waste of chips! If people can still drive on them, then the roads are fine as they are. Spending more to make trivial repairs would just be a waste of the tax payers’ money! We should just ignore these whiners and leave the roads as they are and if the drivers don’t like that - well... then they can just learn to walk like the rest of us.”
  3. “Why on Earth is it the government’s responsibility to build and maintain roads?” asks bicyclist Beth Mason, pausing for breath. “Not all citizens own automobiles, you know. The government should be trying to make life better for all, not just car owners! If people want roads, then let private industry build them, and they can charge tolls to the people who actually drive on them. Leave the government out of it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Brown Sugar 101 is a popular course at community colleges.

2020-11-04 19:30

Breaking Upset

While attending a community meeting in an impoverished neighborhood, you hear a commotion nearby. Just as you think you’ve seen it all, you find a man in his tighty-whities engulfed in flames outside his burning trailer. The cause was meth-making gone wrong.

  1. “I’m speechless, I truly am,” states local state trooper Neil Duturdte, as he twirls his revolver around his finger. “You want to know the worst part? Just last week the exact same thing happened, just with a different guy. They’re a danger to the public and themselves. We must declare war on drugs; let me and my boys eliminate this problem once and for all.”
  2. “We can find them, and deliver punishment as we see fit, but it will solve nothing,” retorts Tamara Giono, a social worker. “What we need is social reform. These people need counseling and addiction programs. If we correct the undie lying - I mean, underlying causes of this, we may actually solve the problem, not add wood to the fire. So throw some funding to social services and it will all work out. Now, hold my jacket and clipboard while I go help this man.”
  3. “I has a much more betterer idea,” mumbles the man who caused all this as he scratches what used to be his eyebrows. “Clearly I done messed up. But, if the gub’ment or whoever teach people like me how to make our product all proper like, we won’t be getting into messes like this. Allow those expert fellas to teach us stuff on this and all will be good.”
  4. “To hell with them all!” proclaims Björk Mitchell, a right-wing radio talk-show host, as she puts her arm around your shoulder. “These people are nothing but human garbage, and in this instance, a flaming pile thereof! Let them maim or kill themselves; if they all die off, there will be no one to make drugs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, model railroad hobbyists have taken to muscling model shipbuilders off their "turf".

2020-11-04 13:30

The Wreck of the Edward Fitzpatrick

The media’s obsession of the week is the “Edward Fitzpatrick,” a Random Chaosian ore freighter that sank in a sudden freak storm while shipping its haul of raw taconite across Great Gambler Lake for smelting. The ship, its cargo, and crew were all lost.

  1. “Oh, well, this is a terrible disaster,” sighs Remus Titan, CEO of Consolidated Resource Acquisition Partners. “Do you know how many tons of ore that ship was carrying? That’s hundreds of thousands of chips my company’s lost!” Wiping a kerchief across his brow, he continues. “You know, the government really ought to send some money our way to make up for the lost capital. It’s for the best. With a hefty tax break, we can make sure such a terrible tragedy doesn’t happen to our bottom line - uh, employees - again.”
  2. Bereaved family member Andrea Doria, still in funeral attire, shoves your secretary aside as she storms into your office. “Do you realize what a horrible crime this wreck really was? I’ll have you know that one of the sailors on the Edward Fitzpatrick was my husband’s cousin’s half-brother! Do you know how much this has impacted me and my family? All because those mining industry jackals don’t give a damn about their employees!” She takes a breath and continues, “My point is, those weasels should be forced to pay reparations to the families of the victims, AND overhaul their whole fleet - more lifeboats, more safety regulations, engine tune-ups, the works! Maybe if they actually cared about those sailors they wouldn’t have sent them out on such a ramshackle old hulk.”
  3. “You’re missing the whole point,” cries model train enthusiast Lionel Brio as he starts laying track all over your office. “The problem here is that we were using the wrong kind of transport in the first place! Boats are old and prone to sink, and rocks don’t exactly float.” He gets a gleam in his eye as a six-inch locomotive blows smoke in your face. “What we need is trains. Picture it: we convert mining transport to railways, and all the danger of sailing will become a thing of the past! It won’t be cheap, but we’ll have the best rail network in The Hatrackia, and more importantly I’ll get some new model freight cars for my collection!”
  4. Jordan Brighthand, a popular Random Chaosian folk singer, strides into your office, a battered acoustic guitar slung on his shoulder. “You know, Leader, the story of this shipwreck has really inspired me,” he says as he strums out a melody. “Let’s face it, you can’t stop tragedies like this. It’s just fate. But what we can do is immortalize the victims in song, so that future generations of Random Chaosians can hear the stories of our past. It sure beats reading about ‘em - why stick your nose in a book when your guitar can gently weep over the coffins?”
  5. “Well the answer’s clear to me,” says Hal Stoker, the most popular weather forecaster in Random Chaos City. “This was a failure by meteorologists all around Great Gambler Lake. This is a red flag that’s telling you to pour some government funds into the Random Chaosian Institute of Meteorology. Our weather forecasters have been poorly trained on outdated equipment for years as the Institute languished. We really need better gear; the new Rotating Aerial Inversion Navigator, that’s the RAIN-420 doppler radar, is a real beauty, I gotta get my hands on that - oh, uh, and we’ll save some lives, too.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military struggles with recruitment.

2020-11-04 07:30

Compulsory Military Service Under Attack

Concerned mothers and nervous school-leavers are petitioning the government to abolish compulsory military service.

  1. “Our children are forced to be trained to murder!” protests Fumiko Kiefaber, chairperson of the Parents Against All Things Violent organisation. “For too long now the government has been snatching away our children and training them to become killing machines. This archaic practice must be banned at once! Sure, some of them could end up breaking into cars or terrorising old people, but hey, kids will be kids, right?”
  2. “What a preposterous idea!” scoffs Drill Sergeant Lance Rivera. “The youth of Random Chaos has never needed the discipline provided by the armed forces more than it does today, and with all those rogue states out there we need all the recruits we can get! If anything, the government should lengthen the required service and drop the minimum age to something more reasonable.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Avoided, Most Ignorant Citizens, and Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, antacids top everyone's Maxxmas list.

2020-11-04 01:30

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

You and your family are at a Maxxmas party held by your Minister of Mirth, Merriment and Income Taxation when your great-aunt — overcome by too much Maxxmas cheer — begins castigating your host for not decorating in traditional Maxxmas colours, lamenting “It’s like you don’t even understand the holiday!” Suddenly, you hear some sleigh bells jingling and ring-ting-tingling outside: a band of merry Maxxmas carollers!

  1. As the urchins polish off ‘O, Little Town of Random Chaos City’, the diminutive leader of the group hobbles forward on a crutch. “Beggin’ yer leadership’s pardon, but may I say I feels so gratified to see you an’ yours all together. Whever a toff or an ’umble personage like me, Maxxmas is when fam’ly an’ friends share goodwill an’ ’appiness. Who needs posh gifts or a warm blanket — long as yer wiv fam’ly? You should tells people so, you know, in yer big Maxxmas speech.”
  2. An urchin in a top hat and a slightly worn waistcoat steps forward. “But, as I say to me more hintimate friends, Maxxmas is a time for ’elpin’ them of lesser means than meself. And, Leader, if someone of your quality was seen givin’ to good causes, your charitable nature would be an example to them that so esteem you.” He rattles a donation tin.
  3. “Here, take it and go!” snaps the Minister of Big Business, dumping one chip into the tin. “Leader, darling, Maxxmas is a time for fabulous parties and finalising big plans. Talking of which, how about that investment in my department? Oh, I must have left the forecasts by the champagne fountain. Silly me! Oh, come now — one treat won’t break the ban...”
  4. “I’ll tell you what Maxxmas is for,” laughs your brother, seizing the urchins’ donation tin and bolting the door. “Presents piled ten stories high, all with my name on them! Diamond-studded watches, cashmere suits, even a private helicopter! The one reason Maxxmas exists is to teach people that only present-buying is a true expression of love — an advertising campaign to remind them will get everyone shopping.”
  5. “Talk about greed!” scoffs your uncle, who is currently hoarding a whole turkey for himself. “You don’t need presents; Maxxmas is all about the big family dinner. A good one heals fractured families — the art must be taught in schools: that moist roast turkey... and crispy potatoes... and dessert...” He keels over, saliva forming a puddle.
  6. “Haven’t we forgotten that Maxxmas is a religious holiday?” screams your niece. “We should celebrate the way that the early Order of Maxx did: by gathering in sackcloth and ashes, holding hands and silently condemning all displays of gaudy commercialism, self-indulgence and violence.”
  7. “Shh!” hisses your aunt, covering your uncle’s mouth with her hand. By her side sits a TV magazine with a series of films marked off: ‘It’s Too Soon for Maxxmas’, ‘I Can’t Wait for Maxxmas’, ‘It’s Finally Maxxmas’ and ‘Oh, Just Sod Off Maxxmas’. “This viewing gets better every year. This holiday would be far more restful if everyone stopped making a fuss and just grabbed a TV dinner and the remote.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the sun rises an hour later on border communities.

2020-11-03 19:30

Another Brick in the Wall

A devastating earthquake occurred near the eastern border of Random Chaos last night, taking down a large section of the border wall in the process. To the surprise of the construction workers who showed up this morning, the area was filled by a group of masked people protesting against the rebuilding effort.

  1. “There’s no reason why this should stop the repair work, no reason at all!” exclaims Minister of Barriers Amelia Whedon, pushing aside a protestor to make a start on boarding up the hole. “First round up all these troublesome demonstrators and arrest them. Then make this restoration our top priority, we need to make this wall even bigger and better than before – build it at least ten feet higher in the area where it fell.”
  2. “The wall was a bad idea in the first place,” asserts one of the masked protestors. “Why do we need such a draconian immigration policy anyway? There are people fleeing wars and persecution who only wish to come here to live life in peace. Leader, use this opportunity not to build a wall, but to embrace a new era of openness for Random Chaos.”
  3. “Perhaps we could ease up on the immigration law just a bit?” advocates Dirk Dodinas, a long-time advisor who has a knack of creating compromises. “Instead of ‘wall’ or ‘no wall’, why don’t we turn this newly acquired gap into an official border crossing? Then any foreigner who wishes to come to our great Free Land can go through the proper channels – controlled immigration: no riff-raff, just the cream of the crop. It will also make vacations to our eastern neighbors easier, I hear they have a great water festival this time of the year.”
  4. “How about we address the real problem? The wall wasn’t structurally sound!” exclaims Kayla Le Carré, your Immigration Minister. “How can we ever claim to keep our border secure if a measly earthquake can just knock it down? It’s time we fund a massive renovation of the entire wall – to ensure that it can stand against any act of nature. While we’re at it, this wall could do with a few sentry turrets, a barbed-wire top, and landmines, lots of landmines!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a large concrete wall is being built around the country's borders.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy" to "Moralistic Democracy".

2020-11-03 13:30

The Great Wall of Random Chaos?

Due to the ongoing wars in neighboring countries, a recent rash of illegal immigrants have been caught at the borders of Random Chaos, prompting many citizens to call for tighter immigration laws.

  1. Ken Harrison of the Random Chaos National Purity League says, “These illegal aliens are just an eyesore with their strange customs and funny languages. Uneducated troublemakers like these only worsen crime and steal valuable jobs! I say we should boot all immigrants out on their ears and put a big fence around the country!”
  2. Preeti Octavian of the Random Chaos Civil Liberties Union says, “We must welcome these refugees from any nation into our open arms, they are fleeing one oppressive dictatorial regime in the only way they know, we must not let them think they’re jumping from the frying pan into the fire!”
  3. “Hold on there, hold on people!” says Yuri van Dyke of the Random Chaos Broadcasting company. “We don’t have to take either extreme, all we have to do is make a TV game show out of it! We put deadly obstacles on the border and monitor it with television cameras! Those that make it across win freedom and citizenship, and those who don’t, well, let’s just say that our buzzards won’t starve. We could call it ‘Who Wants to be an Immigrant?’!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, producers insist that movie stars wear crash helmets in every scene.

2020-11-03 07:30

Happy Pranksgiving!

The wildly popular RCBC television series Prankyard Wars has long depicted a lovable team of practical jokers attempting to out-do each other with harmless mischief. However, following a recent dip in ratings, their increasingly elaborate antics led to the accidental incineration of a public park, several houses, and most of the local fire station’s equipment.

  1. “It was just a prank, Leader!” wails one of the jokers in question, Justin “Gambler-Butt” Winters. “You can’t hold us liable for it! We just thought ‘FOOF’ sounded like a funny chemical name... you know, like ‘You got FOOFed!’ How were we supposed to know it makes pretty much everything it touches burst into flames? People need to lighten up and consider our intentions before grabbing their pitchforks!”
  2. “Dioxygen difluoride is one of the most dangerous chemicals in existence. We cannot allow this kind of irresponsible behavior!” roars police chief Xanatos Dumas, wildly flailing about with his baton. “They cannot possibly have acquired it without knowing exactly what it does! Let me bring them up on chemical weapons charges, and we’ll see who’s laughing when they get convicted as the terrorists they are. We must have zero tolerance for these so-called ‘pranksters.’”
  3. “We all know that the people making the decisions aren’t the screen talent, but the producers!” interjects four-time Golden Gambler winning actor Chris Lincoln, head of the Performers’ Guild. “They control the purse strings, so they are responsible for the content! You should fine them for forcing these poor performers to endanger themselves like that, and maybe toss in some criminal charges to boot. Nobody should have to risk their safety just to get a paycheck.”
  4. “Now, let’s sit down and have a nice fireside chat together,” rolls the soothing sentiment of Iris Scrooge, the unusually charismatic head anchor for RCBC News. “I am certain we can negotiate a settlement that will make all parties happy. If you look the other way on any laws that may have been broken, we can ensure that everything will be rebuilt better than before, and I can toss in some positive coverage of your current legislative efforts.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many say faith is a crutch for those who can't move forward.

2020-11-03 01:30

Armed and Legging It

Walking down the corridors of power at your usual brisk pace, you’re caught a little off guard when one of your accompanying clerks suddenly crumples to the ground mid-stride, her left lower leg detaching from the rest of her. To your relief, the dismembered member of staff has in fact lost a prosthetic limb rather than an organic one. As you help her up, she explains that her prosthetic is a cheap import of low quality: she’d love a better one, but high quality models are far and few between.

  1. “Many people just can’t move forward in our nation because of limb loss,” says your assistant, ambling carefully. “My colleagues and I believe that we - the government - should use our resources and staff to research new designs and help these people live their lives to the fullest.”
  2. “I respectfully disagree with this idea,” states Nick Ramirez, CEO of LiteTeck Inc, while handling a plastic foot. “The government should have no involvement in prosthetic research. You’d be kicking the legs out from under private manufacturers by denying them a market. Our investors would rather you arm them against this possibility with tax breaks and subsidies. With a little investment, Random Chaos could be a world leader in strapped-on flesh-coloured plastic appendages.”
  3. “There’s another way to reach out to the limbless,” says Theresa Wonka, a volunteer from the charitable Open Hands Society. “3D-printed limbs can be produced for anyone, by anyone. If one wears out or becomes outdated, it can be tossed, and a new one printed. Along with that, citizens can work together to design limbs that work for them. Why not send some money to the non-profit foundations that are developing these things? You’ll be helping not only here in Random Chaos, but also the disabled of third world nations that the charities serve.”
  4. “You can’t incorporate the artificial into the natural without diminishing your connection to the living world of spirits,” pipes up Ariel Dylan, Priestess of the Earth Divinities, whose presence in your entourage is even more unexpected than that of the last two speakers. “If you are missing a limb, then accept that The Mother loves you for who you are and that fate chose that destiny for you. Leader, if you ban prostheses, you’ll teach self-reliance and self-love. Meditation and thankful prayer will lift broken souls, even if broken bodies must stay earthbound. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to visit my podiatrist.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the law says that all Random Chaosians are created equal — no matter how they were created.

2020-11-02 19:30

Vat Is a Serious Problem

Increasingly, vat-born citizens have been facing widespread discrimination from older, natural-born citizens. After a series of riots where both groups accused each other of inciting violence, your advisors have spliced together a panel of experts who want to propagate their ideas.

  1. “All we’re asking for is equal rights!” shouts protestor Desmond Jekyll, whose youthful appearance is a clear sign of being vat-born. “Those flesh-born fogeys keep passing us over for promotions and raises at our jobs, even though most of us work harder and for longer hours. They routinely refuse to serve us at restaurants or let us buy a ticket at the theater. Some of the savages even spit on us! Well, my vat-born brethren and I aren’t going to take it anymore. If you don’t implement comprehensive anti-discrimination laws, there’s going to be blood in the streets!”
  2. “This is what happens when you try to play God,” professes Kate Quagmire, Senior Underpope of Liturgical Purity and Inquisitions. “As it is written, you reap what you sow. These vats are vulgar abominations that undermine the sanctity of life and should be abolished! People are perfectly capable of producing children in the manner that our Creator intended. As for the existing vat-born hordes, I’m sure a little more welfare will calm the poor, misbegotten creatures down.”
  3. “May I offer a solution?” queries visiting dignitary Edsel Dearborn, who is wearing a T-shaped necklace and cloth-of-gold robes with an elaborate gear motif. “Back home in Aldoustan, my own government keeps the vat-grown masses happy by freely distributing a purified narcotic that we call soma: mildly euphoric and hallucinogenic, it gives people a holiday from facts and reconciles them with their enemies. We even have an aerosol spray version for neutralizing riots, like the ones I saw earlier. For a nominal fee of only 1.046 billion chips per year, we’d be happy to provide you with enough soma to subdue your growing population.”
  4. “Violent behavior is a sign of a serious process defect,” states vat technician Norman Wiseau while reviewing a stack of genetic test results. “It could be dangerous to medicate the malcontents. The correct dosage will vary between individuals — meaning that most of our vat-born population will either be too stoned to function, or won’t receive enough narcotics to subdue their violent impulses. The only viable solution is to euthanize every vat-born individual who shows any signs of agitation. Admittedly, it will temporarily devastate our workforce... but only until our new Kamino-Fett vats are completed and fully operational.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, private businesses are paving paradises to put up parking lots.

2020-11-02 13:30

Keep the Greenbelt Green, Say Protesters

A group of environmentalists are protesting against plans to expand urban and suburban developments into greenbelts, the designated countryside between settlements.

  1. “Do we really have to listen to these nutcases?” asks real estate developer, Melissa Cullen. “The fact of the matter is that nature is BORING. Give us permission to build on the greenbelt and you’ll have pink hotels, boutiques, and swinging hot spots that’ll be the envy of the region and draw tourists from all around! We can always transplant a few trees and put them in a tree museum to keep the tree-huggers happy. Random Chaos stands to make a lot of money from this!”
  2. “I agree with my colleague here, but he doesn’t go far enough,” says Themba Kirk, a city planner. “These protestors are standing in the path of progress. It slows the growth of our economy and harms my portfolio - er - the future of our nation, I mean. It’s unpatriotic and we should increase police funding to deal with these troublemakers. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about greenbelts or any other nonsense about keeping the ‘environment’ safe.”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” exclaims environmental activist Barry Rodriguez. “Tree museums? Police funding? Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone? We’re talking about natural treasures and you’re talking about destroying them. Is there anything that you can build that can really be better than nature? We should put a stop to all encroachment into natural areas.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fireworks and other big bangs are forbidden during the newest public holiday.

2020-11-02 08:00

Give Us a Break, Leader

A recent opinion survey carried out by the Leader Fan Club has suggested that you are the most beloved and accomplished head of state in the history of Random Chaos. They’re suggesting that to celebrate this good news, a brand new public holiday would put the hoi polloi in even greater admiration of your glorious leadership.

  1. “Patriots Day!” exclaims Naki Fitzgerald, an excitable junior civil servant who carries a picture of you in her wallet, and is always trying to get you to notice her. “The national anthem would be played all day long on TV and radio. There’d be carnivals in the streets showcasing our traditional clothes, dance, music and food. It will be fun for the kids too, as they can decorate their bicycles in the national colours of Random Chaos and win prizes for the best decorations. And looking over the festivities, a sixty-foot tall portrait of you, our most beloved leader!”
  2. “A celebration isn’t a bad idea, but you’re looking at it from the wrong perspective,” offers Army General and author of the book Why Leader Is Our Greatest Strategic Asset, Waldo McAlpin. “An Armed Forces Day is what we need. Can you picture it now? A million armed men and women marching in perfect unison through the streets of Random Chaos City, eyes right as they turn heads to salute you. Then, battalions of our newest armoured vehicles, followed by the best part: our biggest missiles on trailers. What a sight to behold! And all the civilians can be forced to be spectators; they wouldn’t dare oppose that considering all the guns on show!”
  3. “Public holidays have traditionally been of a religious nature,” intones Bodhi Snow, Professor of Religious Studies at the University of Random Chaos City. “Why don’t we celebrate the holy moment of the creation of the world? Regardless of our faith, we can all agree that it is irrefutable that the hand of the divine was what set the universe in motion. Universe Creation Day is the holiday Random Chaos needs.”
  4. Guinan Bourdain, the top undertaker in Random Chaos, has the final say. “I haven’t had a day off for twenty-five years. I don’t need a day off, and all these work-shy layabouts shouldn’t have one either. Leader, we don’t need another public holiday. In fact, we don’t need any public holidays. Get rid of them all; it will be good for the economy.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, radio stations are forbidden to play anything with too much drum or bass.

2020-11-02 01:30

Turn Down That Racket, Say Morality Police

A group of concerned parishioners and soccer moms has petitioned the government of Random Chaos to outlaw heavy metal music, which they fear is a bad influence on youngsters.

  1. “Heavy metal music is a plague in our good nation and its God-fearing people!” argues local priest and easy listening advocate Elizabeth Taffs. “Just the other day, I heard a song by some group called Hell’s Irate Puppies with a sinful quantity of bass and drum... oh, and there were probably some lines about killing parents, too, I’d imagine! It’s vital that we ban this music, and remove this terrible influence from our children’s lives! Think of the children!”
  2. “Whoa, man... what’s with the, like, censorship and stuff?” asks Jiang Cartman, scruffy-haired bassist of the popular speed metal band The Destroyinators. “You can’t, like, censor the music, man. That’s how we express ourselves! Every bass beat is me baring my soul! Every howl is me complainin’ about how my parents tried to kick me out of their basement! Besides, what’s wrong with Satan? He’s just misunderstood anyway. I say promote the arts, man!”
  3. “You know, this heavy metal issue has me thinking,” says Ganondorf, your brother, over your weekly game of cribbage. “If these long-haired freaks want to put out their devil-worshipping metal, why don’t we let them? Of course, we’ll put a little subliminal propaganda into every song... after all, don’t these guys owe their freedom of expression to you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, criminals lock themselves in their mums' basements to avoid prison.

2020-11-01 19:30

Running From Time

The long arm of the law has finally caught up with the most notorious burglar in Random Chaos, with investigative diligence revealing that the man who stole the ceremonial staff from parliament was almost certainly William Caldwell, better known as ‘Burglar Bill’. The only problem is that forty years have passed since the crime.

  1. “The principle of a statute of limitations is important to due process,” declares Carter Hill, a defence lawyer and civil rights expert who recently managed to get serial killer ‘Psycho Pete’ released on compassionate grounds. “After so many years, the case for prosecution is no longer viable. Witness accounts can no longer be considered reliable, and physical evidence will have deteriorated. Also, the suspect is now a frail, old man who has certainly committed no crime in decades. The police were clearly incompetent in their inability to bring a prosecution to bear within a reasonable timeframe. Any outcome other than dismissal of the case would be a grave injustice.”
  2. “You don’t stop being guilty just because time has passed,” insists Holly Pavlov, Head Warden at Random Chaos City Prison as she runs her truncheon along the radiator in your office. “This man is a common thief and shouldn’t be allowed to get away with what he did. It cost the state a lot of chips to replace the ceremonial staff, not to mention the national embarrassment it caused us. Put this criminal where he belongs – in jail!”
  3. “Burglar Bill is awesome!” announces your brother, as he adds the latest addition to his Burglar Bill scrapbook, which he has had since he was a kid. “The daring break-in into parliament, avoiding the cops for four decades - this man knows his stuff! You should make Burglar Bill your Chief of Police; his inside knowledge of the criminal underworld makes him the perfect fit for the job.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, East Lebatuckese astronauts' favorite game during downtime on the Multinational Space Station is 'I Spy'.

2020-11-01 13:30

Space Is Big Enough for the Both of Us

In a shocking turn of events, the normally secretive East Lebatuck government proposed working with multiple space programs. They have offered to work with the Random Chaosian Space Agency to create a jointly-operated space station, called the Multinational Space Station, or MSS. The scientific community has concluded that a space station would be utterly cool and might even provide the Random Chaosian Space Agency with valuable scientific data, but some are concerned about working with East Lebatuck.

  1. “Comrade Leader, there is no reason for any mistrust between us,” comments Ashley Pelosi, the East Lebatuckese representative, while discreetly placing a listening device under a pot plant. “Our proposal would launch Random Chaos’s space program to new heights while setting a glorious example of friendship between our two great Motherlands. We’re ready to launch the ‘Spyonya’ module, so just hurry up and agree to build the station already.”
  2. “A jointly-operated space station might be one small step for international cooperation, but our own space station would be a giant leap for Random Chaosiankind,” declares hero astronaut Hum Legstrong, who has arrived wearing a space suit for reasons you cannot fathom. “All we need to do is repurpose some leftover parts from the last few spaceship programs. Fuel tank? Bam, crew quarters! Spy Satellite? Bam, space telescope! We’ll get all the sciencey goodness for a low, low price, and we won’t have to trust those shady East Lebatuckese.”
  3. “A space station? Really?” remarks Emile Ward, an unpopular and rather frugal politician, nibbling at a homemade peanut butter sandwich. “Those nerds may act satisfied, but they’ll just be begging for more funding next week. Take a page from Maxtopia’s book and slash the Random Chaosian Space Agency’s budget. We might get less of that ‘science’ stuff, but who cares? No one, because they’ll be too busy enjoying the tax cut. It’s not like space is going anywhere.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the year's most anticipated show is "Great Deals on Delicious Meals".

2020-11-01 07:30

Mal Appetit!

Hugh Jass, Random Chaos’s most famous TV foodie, drew a lot of criticism when he visited a world-class restaurant in yesterday’s episode and gorged on expensive gourmet foods in a manner that some viewers found too “appetite-stimulating.” Mr. Jass’ extravagance was said to be particularly disrespectful to millions of poor Random Chaosian citizens who could not afford one of the dishes he ate with their entire monthly salary.

  1. “How inconsiderate!” exclaims Cooper Brown, a labourer whose love for TV is accentuated by his square-framed eyeglasses. “While my family subsists on beans and rice, this guy shamelessly sups that fancy pasta and mushroom thing. My children ask why we never eat white Brancalandian truffles. What can I tell them? Leader, please ban these TV foodie shows so that our children will not have to grow up feeling self-conscious about our financial circumstances.”
  2. “Mon dieu!” grumbles Mr. Jass, sniffing his croissant, and throwing it away untouched. “Do these wretched ignorami not recognise the worth of a good tagliolini con tartufo? ‘Pasta with mushrooms’ indeed! If these peasants have neither the means nor aspiration to appreciate vicarious high-quality culinary culture, they can simply change the channel. I render a valuable service to our economy by giving publicity to our first-class restaurants. So, how about the government picks up the restaurant bills for our gastronomic journalism? I’ll cover the service charge, of course.”
  3. “Ahem, please excuse Mr. Jass’ terse reply. He adores all Random Chaosians. I’m sure we can find a compromise,” mutters Jessica Hawke, the producer of Mr. Jass’ show, awkwardly fidgeting with her gold watch. “Rest assured, we can arrange to cater for the needs and desires of our under-resourced viewers. Perhaps you could incentivise Mr. Jass to show that he understands all his demographic, and should occasionally visit more affordable restaurants. What do you say?”
  4. “This is pathetic,” sneers Robin Wood, an advocate for equality, picking up the extra croissants on Mr. Jass’ plate and tossing them out of the window to the huddled masses who anxiously await your decision. “These poor, benighted workers fail to question why they are unable to afford these fancy foods in the first place. It’s because of this hideous income inequality! Leader, redistribute our great nation’s wealth and give a standard salary to everyone, no matter their job! No more, no less!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Mining Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rebuilding efforts for a recently destroyed cathedral aren't expected to be completed for another century.

2020-11-01 01:30

Cathedrals Have Never Been Hotter

During some routine renovations, the ancient Random Chaos City Cathedral caught fire after a worker accidentally knocked a lit candle onto a bundle of rags. Miraculously, the basic structure is intact and plans for rebuilding are already being made. A cadre of building experts have begun to occupy your office, throwing blueprints and sketches onto your desk.

  1. “Leader!” shouts an architect as he pushes through a wall of his colleagues. “While no doubt this is a national tragedy, we have a chance to reinvent and renew that tired building to bring it into the modern age. None of this Gothic drab — sleek and modern is the way to go, reinforced with steel and glass. We can probably fit some office spaces into the spires, with a cafe at the entrance! The building will practically pay for itself!”
  2. “The Random Chaos City Cathedral is a historical wonder and world heritage site!” shrieks a small woman, clawing her way through a sea of civil engineers. “Doing anything else than rebuilding this site exactly as it was, and as the original architects intended, is an insult to our heritage. Don’t rob our children of this piece of Random Chaosian history!”
  3. A terrified intern, who is being used as a battering ram by a gang of city planners, interjects: “I don’t even know what’s going on! Who cares about the stupid cathedral at this point? Can’t the government just re-purpose the site into something we all would enjoy, like a theme park or amusement fair? You don’t even have to build anything — Random Chaosians apparently love trash fires, given that these lunatics still won’t unhand me!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it takes a village to catch a criminal.

2020-10-31 19:30

Protect and Swerve

A high-speed police pursuit ended in disaster last night when the suspect suddenly lost control of his vehicle and swerved into incoming traffic, triggering a fatal pileup. The deadly chase has raised questions regarding whether pursuits on the nation’s roadways are worth the danger they present to the public.

  1. “Let’s cut to the chase,” suggests roadway safety official Mary Chen. “Evidence shows that police pursuits present an unacceptable risk to the general public and drive Random Chaosians into their graves! A national no-pursuit policy should be adopted, with reasonable exceptions when authorized by a senior police officer. After all, there’s no point in running down the guilty if the innocent are collateral damage.”
  2. “If cops can’t tail thugs then why even have police cars?” oinks the rotund Random Chaos City Police Chief, channeling her frustration into your desk with a truncheon. “Besides, you’d be letting lawbreaking lowlifes escape! LEOs should instead be extensively trained in PIT, TPAC, and TVI against GTAs, TWOC, and perps DUI, to prevent IRTCs and RTAs. If criminals know escape is impossible, then maybe they won’t run to begin with. Do it ASAP!”
  3. “Nobody can escape a traffic jam!” declares the Interim Director of Infrastructure, Oversight, and Traffic at the Transportation Ministry. “Roadway congestion near vehicle pursuits can be easily created and manipulated by altering traffic lights or closing roads, ensnaring evasive goons in bumper-to-bumper backups, which all but guarantees quick apprehension by police. Motorists might not appreciate being made into unwitting roadblocks, but why care? If you ask me, the only thing more despicable than a bottleneck is a criminal!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, superstitious folk make gestures to ward off evil whenever they see a refrigeration unit.

2020-10-31 13:30

Damned Cold

Through a complex and unorthodox set of theological deductions, respected community faith leader Severus Taffs decided that the local cryonics facility was a work of intrinsic evil. Late one night, he broke in and took a sledge hammer to ten cryogenically frozen brains. He didn’t try to evade or resist arrest, and is now honestly surprised people think he has done anything wrong. The question is, what exactly is his crime?

  1. “Those who had their brains frozen were working on the assumption that they might one day in the future be resurrected, something which experts say is a virtual statistical certainty, given enough time,” explains cryonics facility director Sophie Cartman, whose ruthless business dealings have earned her the nickname ‘Captain Cold’. “Now, they’ve been denied that. That makes this crime ten counts of murder. Hopefully, nice strict sentencing here will teach people not to mess with our corporate holdings in the future.”
  2. “Whoa, whoa! Playing piñata with some dead frozen brain popsicles is not the same as spilling the sloppy red stuff of a living person!” asserts tactless journalist Elsa Hudson. “I’m not saying we should just let it go, but this wasn’t murder. It was a crime of forced entry, damage to corporate property and desecration of human remains. Perhaps we should exercise some leniency seeing how this was, in fact, a political protest.”
  3. “Actually... there may have been a solid basis for what this protester was saying,” ponders theologian Jadis Queen, poring over some apocryphal texts of her faith. “To be on the safe side, we should shut down all cryonics facilities. After all, our immortal souls may be at risk here.”
  4. “Not sure if this is a criminal matter or just some religious lunatic with a hammer,” comments pizza delivery boy Ming Fry, handing you your pizza. “The guy was clearly nuts either way. Sounds to me like a mental health problem. He needs a psychiatrist, not a prison cell.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Jennifer Government is a bestseller.

2020-10-31 07:30

Jennifer Government Censorship Row

A new book, Jennifer Government, by Max Barry, has been causing quite a stir in governmental offices across Random Chaos.

  1. “At first I liked the book,” says famous politician Don Peña, “but then it clearly turned out to be just a mockery of our government! This is brainwashing our citizens into thinking that they’re being governed badly. I suggest we hang, draw and quarter the author of this book and take satires off the shelves!”
  2. “Don’t be silly,” says book reviewer Kellyanne Watson, “it’s a great book and you don’t necessarily have to take the views inside seriously! If anything, there should be more satires. Maybe then we’ll get the right people in charge of this messed-up country!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nobody looks each other in the eye at neighborhood block parties any more.

2020-10-31 01:30

I’ll Be Watching You

During a recent TV documentary, retired police officer Daenerys Cummings revealed that she had arrested your Minister of Law and Order, Moe Quagmire, for voyeurism as a teenager. You have since faced calls to not only fire Mr. Quagmire, but also to implement an exhaustive and accessible sex offenders registry.

  1. “A sex offenders registry is an absolute must,” states Howard Krauss, your Public Safety Minister, while giving Mr. Quagmire the evil eye. “It’s a necessary tool to keep the public safe and aware of all the creeps that are out there. If we give a little more funding to our boys and girls in blue, we’ll have it up in no time. Wouldn’t it be great to see which of your neighbors is a pervert?”
  2. “My whole life is ruined because of a dumb mistake thirty years ago!” wails Mr. Quagmire, as he glances up to check that you have noticed his tear. “We all make mistakes. It’s not like I hurt anyone! People shouldn’t be punished for a moment of teenage stupidity — what about my right to privacy? All misdemeanor crimes of ten years ago or more should be scrubbed from the records.”
  3. “As though anyone can’t tell he’s dangerous by those shifty eyes!” insinuates Police Chief Michonne Rolfe, who likes to call police brutality ‘enthusiastic questioning’. “Creating a sex offenders registry would be awfully time-consuming and tie up officers who should be out on the streets arresting those jaywalking scumbags. We should bring back good old-fashioned public shaming by branding the sex offenders. It’ll make my job so much easier and bring in a new golden age of law and order!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, organised crime is fine as long as there's a well-organised tax return.

2020-10-30 20:30

Can’t Touch This

Prohibition has driven alcohol underground, and bootlegging is on the rise. Moonshine and gin are being illegally supplied to speakeasies and private parties across Random Chaos, and anyone who is anyone knows that mobster Mark Scarpone is the man running the show. Scarpone has been hard to prosecute, though, as there’s no direct evidence linking him to the booze black market, and no-one seems willing to testify against him.

  1. “We need to eliminate the Scarpone problem, and see his criminal empire broken up,” demands Prohibition Enforcement Officer Hayley Etness, bursting into your office, slamming her fists on your desk, and demonstrating half a dozen other angry cop clichés. “Not being able to prove wrongdoing has never stopped us enforcing the law in the past. I need officers with guns and body armour to end Scarpone and those like him with extreme prejudice! That’ll teach him to defy the laws of our land!”
  2. “That’s kind of... uh... yeah...” worries politico Cassidy George, clutching his light green felt hat to his chest. “Don’t we always say ‘innocent until proven guilty’? What we need is more oversight and due process here, to ensure that we don’t compromise on the values of justice that make our nation great. I’ll happily head an investigatory committee, and we can review the information at hand, and I’m sure that two to three years down the line we’ll have put together something to justify a search warrant or two, so we can build a sounder prosecution case. Accountability, right?”
  3. “Mr. Scarpone is an upstanding businessman with many links to the community,” offers Scarpone’s lawyer Eddie O’Rabbit, who seems to speak entirely out of the side of his mouth. “Now this personal cheque here just so happens to be equal to the exact amount of money that would have been paid in corporation taxes this week if all this bootlegging were happening, and if Mr. Scarpone were involved. Which he ain’t. Say a cheque like this were to turn up every Sunday, then that’d be a good thing, capiche?”
  4. “Men like Scarpone are just parasites, but the root cause here is prohibition itself,” points out your Undersecretary for Trade, who has suspiciously boozy breath. “People want a drink. Is that so bad? Re-legalise alcohol, and legitimate producers can leave the Mob with no black market demand to exploit. I’ll drink to that!” He raises a bottle to his lips, which is conspicuously labelled ‘PLAIN APPLE JUICE’.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the ongoing space elevator construction project has elevated the national debt to all new levels.

2020-10-30 13:30

No Small Wonder

With economic growth skyrocketing and Random Chaos’s prosperity rising, prominent business leaders have come to you with proposals to construct a national wonder as a symbol of these successes.

  1. “To mark this golden age,” declares Leo Tallstoy, CEO of Sky High Company, sitting upright with high hopes, “I suggest we build the tallest building in The Hatrackia! Not only can we finally snatch that tallest building record from the United Federation, but it will break whatever doubts our citizens have about Random Chaos’s future! It will boost the economy and will be a good source of morale and patriotism. When aiming high, nothing’s worth the sky!”
  2. “Why not aim just slightly higher?” asks Anais Skywalker, CEO of Colossal Works Industries, while putting an arm around your shoulder and pointing to a hole in your ceiling you hadn’t noticed previously. “Instead of the conventional skyscraper, we could build a space elevator? We have enough money, resources, and initiative to make sure our Free Land is the first to develop one! We’ll need to overcome some tricky technical challenges, but such is the burden of the true pioneer! It’ll benefit us in space exploration, and that will serve to strengthen the legacy of our golden age!”
  3. “Have you ever heard of the saying ‘too tall to fall?’” inquires Hugh Mongo, another CEO of a large construction company, who barely fits through your doorway. “Or was it ‘too big to fail?’ Anyway, I think that the answer to mark Random Chaos’s successes is not with something tall, but great. And by great, I mean wide, like a ziggurat or a pyramid. It’s waaay safer than some thousand-story death trap, but it will last for thousands of years without any expensive maintenance. How’s that for a fair bargain?”
  4. “Psh,” scoffs Julia Iglesias, one of your more casual advisers, as she rolls her eyes. “It’s true that Random Chaos has reached its zenith, but there is such a thing as modesty. In fact, we could very well do with regulations on the tall and big buildings we already have instead. They are symbols of arrogance, acrophobia... and suggestive imagery. Have you ever seen what the Random Chaos City Building resembles from a certain angle?”
  5. “What’s with Random Chaos’s obsession with making things all big and futuristic? Compensating for something?” mocks Cassandra Pond, a gaudy Marche Noirian artist-architect. “In Marche Noire we pride ourselves on our spectacular construction projects, some of which are still standing after a thousand years. Our buildings have an ageless and classical beauty to them as opposed to your modern monstrosities. Take a look at our majestic Maxmillia Familia. Granted it’s been under construction for a hundred years, but it’s a far sight prettier than anything proposed here. Take a lesson from the pros, people.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cassocked priests and choirboys believe that what happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy".

2020-10-30 07:30

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

After twelve years of detective work, notorious serial killer Barbie Lecter has finally been apprehended by the authorities. During questioning, it became apparent that she had already guiltily confessed her crimes in great detail ten years ago, but only to a local priest. He not only forgave her, but chose to keep the confession secret. Now the police have arrested the clergyman, claiming ten years of police work and five more murders were at least partly the result of this silence.

  1. “The confessional seal and the absolute duty of non-disclosure are core tenets of our beliefs,” explains cleric Oswald Coulson, from his police cell. “Our holy texts command that we offer forgiveness to the truly repentant. At that time, the woman was incredibly shaken by the crimes she had committed. I make no apologies for acting as I did. Secular law enforcement is your concern, while my concern is the immortal souls of all mankind. Let’s keep the two separate, shall we?”
  2. “The guilty will say anything to save their skin,” growls police officer Mia Kidman, who always plays the ‘bad cop’ during interrogations. “In all honesty, I don’t give a flying gambler turd what this crackpot’s religion tells him. He is an accessory to murder, and because he didn’t call the police like a responsible citizen, five young victims are dead! Religion doesn’t entitle you to break the law. As long as you live in Random Chaos, you abide by OUR laws, not your phoney-baloney god’s.”
  3. “Holy laws do indeed transcend the puny rules of the mundane!” declares the elderly former leader of The Flying Suns UFO cult, emerging from his underground bunker for the first time in decades. “Laws of faith come straight from infallible divinity, not from weak and fallible Man! All religions understand this truth, no matter who they worship, so all religions must have the right to put their holy beliefs ahead of mortal law. If you do not heed this warning, you will all perish in a fiery hell-storm when the Ancient Discs of Mu return from beyond the stars!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Greatest Rich-Poor Divides.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government strictly regulates whale harvest quotas.

2020-10-30 01:30

A Whale of a Problem

Following a two hour TV exposé on the growing incidence of whaling off Random Chaos’s shores, environmentalists are up-in-arms and pressing the government to outlaw the practice.

  1. “Whales are being exploited by soulless capitalists!” screams infamous environmental activist Dorothy Zukerburg. “These majestic creatures are a crucial part of the food chain. Do you have any idea what damage their extinction would cause? End this barbaric business, or have the blood of innocent creatures on your hands forever!”
  2. “Whale meat is a part of our culture,” says Jake Fils-Aimé, owner of a top-rated seafood restaurant in Random Chaos City. “It’s one of the staple foods of Random Chaos. The whaling market is booming! Half my menu is whale! A ban on whaling would destroy the entire seafood industry. Listen, the ocean is chock-full of whales - in fact, some may say there are too many whales. If anything, we should abolish any marine animal protection laws we’ve got left.”
  3. “QUOTAS!” yells Naomi May, one of your top advisors, snapping out of a stupor. “We allow whaling up to a certain quota limit. We can meet with some marine biologists and figure out a number that both maintains the whale population and allows restaurants to get their main dish. Of course, it’ll require a boost in funding to the coast guard to make sure these whalers are sticking to the quota, but what’s a few chips to save the whales?”
  4. “It’s not enough!” bellows Warwick Snape, head of the radical anti-whaling group Ocean Overseers while menacing you with a handful of rancid butter. “The government needs to allow armed intervention against these seafaring murderers! We can bring film crews along and make a reality TV show out of it! Oh, sure, some people on whaling vessels might get hurt or even killed, but that’s just what people who exploit nature for money deserve!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, vehicular homicide by Random Chaosian ambassadors is a leading cause of death throughout the world's capital cities.

2020-10-29 19:30

Ambassadors Behaving Madly

The privilege of diplomatic immunity for ambassadors has entered the news after several of them have been caught in unsavory behavior, including drunk driving, fist fights, and the attempted murder of a Brancalandian Member of Parliament. Concerned citizens and outraged foreign nationals have asked your government to step in and bring your ambassadors in line.

  1. “The solution is quite simple,” states your Minister of Foreign Affairs while trying to smooth things over with his Brancalandian counterpart. “Why don’t we simply fire any ambassador who acts like a buffoon? We obviously can’t have our diplomats acting like spoiled children and besmirching our good name. We must replace them with the most upstanding members of society. Problem solved!”
  2. “That still doesn’t change the fact that your ambassador tried to kill one of our MPs!” replies the Brancalandian Foreign Minister, who has started a slap fight with your own Minister of Foreign Affairs. “I demand that all ambassadors have their diplomatic immunity revoked so that we can charge them for all of the crimes they have committed. No person should be above the law! To make it fair, we wouldn’t complain if you also took away immunity from all of the foreign diplomats in Random Chaos.”
  3. “Being a diplomat is so stressful,” complains Dirk Bowman, your former ambassador to Tasmania, who has taken it upon himself to stop the fighting between the two ministers. “You send us off to these dangerous hellholes all across The Hatrackia. Is it any wonder that some of us snap? Our job is to promote the nation’s interests and help find new allies. We need diplomatic immunity to ensure our safety as national envoys, guarantee our freedom of movement, and maybe let off some steam on the weekends. I think a little international embarrassment is a small price to pay for that.”
  4. “Ambassadors! Bah! Who needs them?” questions infamous nationalist and staunch xenophobe Kayla Harman while giving a salute that makes everyone in the room uncomfortable. “This compulsive need to learn about other countries or grant their diplomats safe passage is very un-Random Chaosian. We’d be much better off keeping to ourselves and not having to worry about these damn foreigners or their opinions on how we conduct our business.”
  5. “Diplomatic immunity, you say?” muses Pablo O'Hara, your Minister of Sycophancy. “Why should this just be limited to ambassadors? It seems to me that if anyone deserves immunity, it’s you. You’re practically a god to these people anyway. You should be able to do whatever you want.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, apprentice builders get teased for wearing hard hats.

2020-10-29 13:30

We Can’t Cross That Bridge When We Come to It

Several workers were killed and others injured in the recent collapse of a bridge being constructed across the Gambler River.

  1. “My client’s partner was killed in this incident and she’s demanding answers!” exclaims litigator Ludwig Moneypenny, throwing a stack of folders on your desk. “Hundreds of petitioners, including many of my clients — ah, and the other victims’ families — will not be contented with the status quo. They need to know that their loved ones who go to work on these sites will most definitely come home at night. Instituting more safety guidelines might slow down the rate of construction work, but that just means more time to earn a living!”
  2. “Objection!” cries prominent attorney Sandra Suparman, representing construction firm Bricks An’ Stuff. “These destructive laws would merely hinder businesses’ ability to perform their job: providing houses to our beautiful citizens, storefronts to our busy workers, and hotel skyscrapers to our guests!” She pats down her suit before handing you a trunk filled with legislation suggestions. “Offer subsidies to businesses that perform safety checks, and trust companies to carry them out. They know what’s best, after all.”
  3. “Aw, as if we need these damn rules an’ stuff!” mutters greying construction worker Aldo Carey, running while holding power tools. “Real builders don’t need them to survive on the job. Back in my day, we worked our butts off like real men, and dealt with problems like these on our own! Get rid of those stupid laws, and let us show these sissies how it’s done.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, looting and pillaging are now considered vital intelligence-gathering activities.

2020-10-29 07:30

Nobody Does It Better?

After two Random Chaosian agents operating in Blackacre were compromised and forced to flee the country, a private military corporation known as the Webber Group has approached you about taking over the nation’s intelligence-gathering activities.

  1. “Leader, my operatives are perfect for this type of work,” declares Webber Group CEO Jabulani Sandler, flanked by two burly bodyguards. “Many of them have received military training prior to joining our company, so they’re well versed in espionage, counter-intelligence, and assassina... um... proactive regime change strategies. If they’re caught, you can deny any knowledge of them. Together, we can revitalize the foreign intelligence apparatus of Random Chaos... for a small fee, of course.”
  2. “Are we really going to put the safety of our nation in the hands of this... thug?” questions secret agent James Bont, while drinking a martini. “What the Webber Group fails to tell you is that many of their operatives were dishonorably discharged. They’re violent, averse to authority, and unpredictable. Not to mention they’re only loyal to a paycheck. Leader, let me organize a training program for our less-experienced spies so they never get caught again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, retail stores offer sales every hour on the hour.

2020-10-29 01:30

A Right Not to Work?

High ranking officials and devout followers of a major religion have requested that the government close down retail stores during their weekly holy day, in accordance with their religious views.

  1. “It’s written in our sacred texts that our creator took the seventh day for rest, and so should we!” says Zack Gibson, a devout follower of a major religion. “To work on this day is an insult to our creator, and I think the last thing Random Chaos needs is eternal damnation. Shut down all retail stores on holy days! Besides, who wants to work then anyway?”
  2. “I’m afraid that’s not going far enough,” adds Colin Meyer, a high-ranking official in the Synod of Zealous Religious Fanatics. “This shouldn’t apply to just retail stores. Everything must be shut down! Hospitals, government agencies, police, and other emergency services. Sure, it’ll be dangerous and likely cause some death, but saving our souls from eternal damnation should be our priority. Random Chaos must do all it can to appease the almighty Creator.”
  3. “You’re not really going to listen to what these nutjobs are proposing, are you?” asks Jenna Strange, your atheist economic adviser. “Think about the damage this would cause to the economy. Isn’t that more important than appeasing a few nuts? If anything, we should be requiring that all retail stores remain open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Just think of all that unlimited shopping time!”
  4. Slacker freelance food reviewer Mohammed Butt, still in pajamas and eating a pizza slice on a ratty couch, sends you a video chat invitation. “Dude, why not just give everybody shorter work weeks? Make flex time, telecommuting, and 35-hour work weeks mandatory for all us working folk. Trust me, the people will love you for it man!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the 'sing-a-long with Leader' album is a popular souvenir.

2020-10-28 19:30

Fun in the Sun

Neighbouring Bigtopia has gone on a tourism promotion overdrive, with spectacular advertising that is bound to attract visitors in their droves. Worried by the likely fall in foreign arrivals, your Tourism Minister has suggested an area of Random Chaos be marked for development. However, what area should be selected and what type of activities should be promoted?

  1. “Oi guv’nor, what them tourists want is to feast their peepers on real life, with real people,” suggests ‘Acksaw ‘Arry, a colourful gent, who has an equally colourful association with the law. “Spend a few bob building up the working-class areas of Random Chaos City. We’ll take them tourists round our gaffs, get their laughing gear round a few Dame Ednas, and have a knees-up round the ol’ Joanna.” One of your aides, who is from that area of Random Chaos City, translates: “He said that the tourists should experience traditional home hospitality, with beverages and a sing-a-long.”
  2. “One proposes that you send those tourists to one’s stately home,” opines Rubert Holdsworth-Wellington, an eminent member of Random Chaos City’s old money. “There’s acres of room, literally. There will be fine dining available throughout their stay and for entertainment they may savour some outdoor pursuits. For example: one’s two-acre maze, horse-riding and of course, learning the skill of hedge artistry. Just pay one a stipend for allowing those riff-raff into one’s home.”
  3. “Y’all shouldn’t listen to those guys; they’re all hat and no cattle!” states Chuck Butch III, whose riding spurs barely fit through your door. “Send those tourists to my ranch; there ain’t nothin’ bigger or better. We’ll show them how to herd cattle, use a lasso, and treat them to the biggest darn steak they’ve ever seen! With a bit of extra moolah from the gov’ment, I’ll set up a rodeo. Yee-haa!”
  4. “Yodel-lay-ee-dee,” exclaims Frau Helga Krapps, who is trying to set a new fashion statement with her pinny. “Ze tourists vould be much better coming to my ski resort in der Alpen region of Random Chaos. They can stay in mein beautiful chalets overlooking ze pistes. Ve have skiing, snowboarding und sledging for ze little munchkins. I just vant ze government to let us put artificial snow on the slopes for drier seasons. Danke!”
  5. “Hey man, we should, like, promote sustainable ecotourism,” insists Dylan, a tatty looking fellow who you swear just had a small creature rummaging around in his beard. “Our countryside is pretty cool, Leader. The government should make laws to protect our forests and rivers; then those tourist dudes will come in swarms to marvel at Mother Nature’s creations, man!”
  6. “Get off my property!” yells Peter Chapman, who is rumoured to be the grumpiest man in all of Random Chaos. “I don’t want no tourists coming over here and having fun, especially near me. Hey, you tourists! No fun, do you hear? Folks used to be able to have fun ‘round here, then some tourists came along and started having some fun - ruined it for everyone. Tell them tourists they’re not welcome here!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, CSI Forest is this year's hit new crime show.

2020-10-28 13:30

Piracy on the High Trees

Both a popular ornamental and a prized source of lumber, the Random Chaosian cherry tree has spiked in value due to Random Chaos’s recent bespoke furniture craze. Coincidentally, there has also been a spike in bandit lumberjacks surreptitiously stealing shade trees from residences in the middle of the night.

  1. “The streets are filled with chainsaws right now and it’s frankly disgusting,” growls gruff detective Dana Plantagenet, while photographing a branch from a fresh crime scene. “The other day I saw a bunch of flannel-clad hooligans walking to the park, each one chainsaw in hand, and I couldn’t do anything. Create a chainsaw registry, linking each saw owner to a chainsaw’s unique wear patterns, and I promise you we’ll have this crime wave licked faster than you can say ‘timber’.”
  2. “Willful waste, makes woeful want,” chides noted antiques dealer Hugo Weaver. “We already have plenty of perfectly good furniture in Random Chaos. We just need to revitalize the art of upholstery repair. The government should sponsor restoration classes and subsidize the sale of refurbished furniture. It would also allow for some reasonable environmental regulations to help preserve the trees before they’re gone.”
  3. “The problem, I’m afraid, is capitalism,” declares Minerva Delauter, a noted socialist thinker. “If we just nationalized the ownership of all trees there’d be no question as to which trees were harvested legally since only the government could harvest them. Furthermore, we’d be assured that all the forestry in Random Chaos is sustainable because we’d be the ones doing it. Who else can Random Chaosians possibly trust to handle these important matters besides the government?”
  4. “Wha’ be th’ problem?” asks notorious logger, Captain William Ash, who, after losing a hand in a rumored chainsaw duel, had it replaced with a handsaw. “We... er... th’ pirate loggers are jus’ usin’ a valuable resource that those homeowners were wastin’ as shade trees. Once trees get t’ a merchantable size, anyone best be able t’ log them no matter whose land they be on. ‘N if anyone disagrees I’ll send them t’ Davy Jones’ locker!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, NationStates is now a popular brand of laxatives despite Max Barry's protests.

2020-10-28 07:30

Please Don’t Feed the (Copyright) Trolls

Major film studio Werner Cousins recently began enforcing its copyright on the popular “Merry Birthday” song and has been demanding that everyone from schools, to small children, to your own government, pay royalties for its use. After one of the studio’s lawyers threatened to sue your secretary’s daughter for royalties, your government has finally agreed to address the issue of copyright trolling.

  1. “It’s quite simple,” comments Werner Cousins’ notorious lawyer Emile Burns, with a team of well-dressed yes men behind him. “The holders of a copyright have every right to demand royalties for its use and remove all unlicensed use. Of course, you can still sing the Merry Birthday song to your kids every year; just remember to pay us instead of wasting your money on another pair of designer running shoes for little Timmy.”
  2. “I want my Mommy to sing Merry Birthday to me... and to give me a new bicycle!” yells the visibly upset young girl as she smashes priceless family heirlooms on your desk. “Don’t listen to that evil lawyer; it’s not his song. It’s my song because it’s my birthday! Everybody should sing Merry Birthday if they want to!” The girl begins reading a cue card handed to her by her mother. “All culturally significant songs should be put into the public domain.”
  3. “Why should we deal with copyright at all?” suggests longtime political activist Red Foreman as he hands out copies of The Little Pinko Book to everyone in the room. “Nationalize the work of any author, including songs, movies, trademarks and even designs. Creativity is an important educational function, and the bourgeois copyright trolls have no right to censor it. Once the work is popular enough, it should be released into the public domain. Sure, some artists and creators might lose that financial incentive to create, but at least this copyright problem will be a thing of the past!”
  4. “How about a system that allows fair use of copyrighted material, such as for satire and education?” muses popular WhoTube celebrity and free speech activist The Nostalgia Nerd. “This protects copyright creators from outright theft, but protects us smaller creators from censorship from the big guys. There’s a chance Werner Cousins might try to exploit it, but freedom of speech is at risk here. Surely these big studios can handle a few choice criticisms? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to review Gambler Apocalypse 4: The Rise of Mad Max!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tuba players are paid to quietly whisper into their instruments.

2020-10-28 01:30

Concussive Percussion

While attending a performance by the Random Chaos City Philharmonic Orchestra last Thursday, 75-year-old baker William Cook suffered an unexpected heart attack. Several music critics have attributed the death to the surprise of cannon fire used in the song “2012 Overture”, which the Orchestra was playing at the time. However, much opposition has been drummed up against the critics, and both sides have clashed just outside your office.

  1. “This could have been prevented, if someone hadn’t decided to include cannon fire in the performance!” presses Ben Kent, while he fumbles through a pile of sheet music. “We simply can’t allow this to happen again, and the only way to make sure of that is to ban any weapons from being fired during musicals and performances, and take a stern stance against overly loud music. Cannons are deadly!”
  2. “If anything, we should be encouraging the use of alternative percussion in music,” poises Georgina Rifkin, a renowned composer, while putting a fuse into a suspicious looking stick. “Take, for example, the crash cymbals. Whose idea was it to bang two pieces of metal together to make music? Boring! Nothing entertains an audience like explosions, gunfire, and the sounds of war. War... that’s it! We should bring in the military to give all musical performances an explosive touch!”
  3. “She has no idea what she’s talking about,” claims Larry Yossef, speaking almost inaudibly. “Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you that a quiet, peaceful performance is one worth seeing. Like the crickets chirping, the birds tweeting, and the trees... treeing. I say we redirect some government funding to the musicians that make use of such natural and flowing sounds, to help preserve the fine predilections of the eardrum.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the populace has developed a mortal fear of the woods.

2020-10-27 20:00

Where in the Woods Is Cindy SanFrancisco?

After their daughter wandered off into the woods behind her house, a pair of teary-eyed parents interrupts one of your meetings, beseeching you to step up the rescue effort.

  1. “She’s only t-t-three years old!” sobs the lost girl’s mother. “She’ll never make it out there in the wilderness all alone. She’s going to d- d- d-” Her husband steps in as she breaks down in tears: “Please, you have to do something! There aren’t enough rescue workers out there. You need to hire more or divert them from other areas or something! What’s more important than a child’s safety?”
  2. “Hmph!” scoffs Daisy Moneypenny, your miffed financial advisor. “The nerve of some people! Do you really want to squander all that money on one kid? If you’re stupid enough to walk off into the forest all by yourself, maybe you shouldn’t make it to adulthood to have your own stupid kids. Survival of the fittest never hurt anyone — anyone worthwhile that is. We need to get rid of this unnecessary safety net. No more rescue teams. Then maybe parents will actually watch their moron kids.”
  3. “Yer all missin’ the heart o’ the matter,” barks Hugh Suparman, a burly, crosscut-saw wielding lumberjack. “The problem isn’t these lil’ rascals gettin’ lost; it’s what they’re gettin’ lost in. If we chop down those damned woods, well then there won’t be anythin’ to get lost in, now will there? You give me and my team the OK, and we’ll make those wooded deathtraps a thing o’ the past!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's some really clean windows in Random Chaosian houses.

2020-10-27 14:00

Crystal Clear Sinuses

With methamphetamine on (and in) the minds of many Random Chaosians, law enforcement officials have suggested limiting access to meth precursor chemicals, such as pseudoephedrine, a common nasal decongestant sold in pharmacies across the country.

  1. “Drugstores are being taken advantage of, and what a darn shame it is,” laments rural sheriff Ryan Kapoor. “If we’re gonna stop this methampheta-meltdown, we need’a restrict the sale of meth precursors. Doing so will stomp the brakes on meth makers, who require ‘em in bulk to keep up their deadly production. A reasonable monthly limit and requiring a valid prescription from a licensed doctor ain’t a bad idea, if y’all ask me.”
  2. “Seriously, you don’t think I have enough work to do without being hassled by junkies for prescriptions?” complains stressed-looking family doctor Al Redwood. “Cough medicines and decongestants don’t do much more than honey-and-lemon or steam from a bowl of hot water anyway. Just make all these precursors illegal, and crack down harder on recreational drug trade while you’re at it.”
  3. “Restricting pseudoephedrine sales only hurts responsible, law-abiding citizens!” passionately exclaims Medical Rights Association spokesperson Dorothy Wu. “I’m no criminal, I just buy my meds by the metric tonne for my allergies, and a few extra as presents for my similarly allergy-stricken friends! Show some trust in Random Chaosians, and deregulate these drugs!”
  4. “I mean, the whole making meth at home thing is not as easy as certain TV shows would have you believe,” complains your nephew, rapidly finger-tapping a repeating pattern because of his drug-induced OCD. “Why don’t you just legalise methamphetamines, and users can then buy crystal meth from proper suppliers who know what they’re doing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government recently donated a surfboard to an impoverished family in a landlocked region.

2020-10-27 07:30

The Forbidden Fruit

The Prime Minister of the massive agricultural nation of Ausblic has sent you a rather unconventional gift: five thousand fruit baskets worth 100 chips each. Now, crates of fruit baskets occupy almost all available space in your office.

  1. “Do you like our gift, Leader?” enquires the Prime Minister of Ausblic, Elaine Franklin, wandering through the maze of fruit baskets only to find your face hidden by a huge pineapple. “We wish to improve ties with Random Chaos, and what better way than by offering a sample of Ausblic’s main export? If you can’t finish eating all five thousand baskets worth of fruit, I’m sure that you could sell some of them back to the market with a significant markup. Just a suggestion.”
  2. “Nice try, but our leader is incorruptible!” snarls your devoted Home Secretary Jamil McDuck, his Leader is Love, Leader is Life T-shirt visible through his shirt. “We must destroy all of these odious offerings, and show that we have zero tolerance of graft. Harsh punishments must be given to anyone who tries to bribe government officials. Only then will our glorious nation be free of corruption!”
  3. “That’s taking it a little too far,” states Natalie Sparkle, the Minister of the Middle Ground, who is standing between the previous two speakers to keep them apart. “We could permit politicians to receive small gifts, inconsequential sums totalling a maximum of 50 chips per person, per annum. Any previous gifts received that are worth more than the amount stated, like those fruit baskets, should be donated to charity. Imagine the needy people of Random Chaos, delightedly waiting for succour as you donate all the things you don’t even need.”
  4. “What you call bribes, I call political donations,” divulges politician Waylon Brewer, who hefts a suitcase that is bursting with cash. “Getting into public office takes millions of chips, and the average citizen cannot afford to do so. If you make it easier for politicians to receive donations from generous benefactors, you could bring equality to politics and give even the most disadvantaged candidates a fighting chance, regardless of their financial standing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, medical experts advise that those claiming to be medical experts are probably fraudsters.

2020-10-27 01:30

Quacking Up

A cancer patient has died after taking the advice of Sophie Night, an alternative therapist of dubious qualification. The patient rejected traditional medicine in favor of her ‘secret cure’, which was revealed to be healing crystals, giving up ‘radiation-causing technology’, and living on a diet of raw onions. Questions have been raised about whether restrictions should be put on alternative treatments.

  1. “Poppycock!” scoffs your physician, Doctor Wilson, raising her eyebrow witheringly. “These so-called alternative therapies do nothing but destroy the integrity of real medicine, where trained doctors with real degrees — not this nutcase who bought her diploma from an alleyway in Maxtopia — use empirical evidence that’s collected over decades. Stop this pillaging of science. Ban these literal snake oil salespeople from peddling false hope and telling the desperate and ill anything for a quick buck!”
  2. “Lies and slander!” trills Ms. Night, as she uses a small model of a frowning-face cancer cell as a stress ball. “If this layman is finished, I can explain. All diseases are caused by stress and poor immunity. Even cancer. And all can be cured by removing the stress — those depressing outside influences, that job you never wanted, a nagging family member — and a diet high in immune-boosting antioxidants. Too much stress! That’s all there is to it.”
  3. “The problem is not alternative therapy itself, but rather that it is being promoted as a cure for cancer,” declares acupuncturist Cindy Dubois, while pulling needles out of one of your interns’ back. “It is charlatanism on which we must clamp down, including glib peddlers of easy answers such as Ms. Night. The prestigious Medical Association of Brancaland uses acupuncture to relieve the side-effects caused by cancer and its treatments, such as pain and fatigue. We must allow alternative therapists, trained to nationally recognisable standards, to help patients where there is sound evidence that it works.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader is in a committed monogamous relationship with a huge number of people.

2020-10-26 19:30

No Sex Please, We’re Random Chaosian

Since reproductive sex was banned, a vocal group of slightly twitchy people have formed. Calling themselves the Anti-Sex League, they have attracted members from across society into their ranks, including one of your aunts, two uncles and three senior Ministers. They have taken a lifelong vow of celibacy, claiming recreational sex is a needless distraction in the age of vats.

  1. “Recreational intercourse is a waste of energy that Random Chaosians could spend productively,” huffs Cassidy Black, the League’s red sash tightly wound around her hips and swishing as she jogs ceaselessly on the spot. “With compulsory chemical castration the sex instinct would be eliminated. Then Random Chaosians would choose to attend community classes on woodwork and entomology, go on long nature hikes and take part in nonstop energetic sports to burn off excess tens... just because they’re fun.”
  2. “This crazy broad may be onto something,” mutters your Minister for the Propagation of Leader-Love. “Your every thought is of pleasing Random Chaosians, Leader. You would die for them. Random Chaosians must learn that and think of nought but pleasing you, perhaps dying for your love. When Random Chaosians love another supplicant... citizen, they are cheating on you, breaking that exclusive, reciprocal bond with their leader. Should we applaud adulterers? No! Punish these ingrates who reject the purest love the world has ever known by having any ‘relationships’.”
  3. “Leader, you’re not gonna listen to those repressed nutters in the Anti-Sex League, are you?” groans Klaus Hadfield, author of sex-positive guide The Big Book of Bonking. “You should encourage Random Chaosians to adopt a healthy attitude. Perhaps provide more breaks so couples who work different shifts can see each other. Nothing’s too good for the nation’s health.”
  4. Robin Nimoy, of the Anti-Pleasure League, opens Klaus’s book and hurls it across the room, making hand gestures to ward off evil. “All these people show an unnatural desire for selfish indulgence. Vacuous pleasure brings societies to their knees. And pleasure begins when coitus and its one purpose are separated. Ban the vats and restore the reproductive function. Teach that congress is a grave task to perpetuate the Free Land, and not even remotely fun!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, joggers are often arrested for breathing too heavily.

2020-10-26 13:30

Every Breath You Take

While another treacherous dissident was being dragged off to execution for not applauding with adequate fervor during your last national address, Yasmin Serling, your Minister of Law and Order, happened to overhear him yell, “The Random Chaosian government might as well outlaw breathing next!” Upon hearing this, she immediately rushed to your office, where she now stands with a wicked smile on her face.

  1. “Why didn’t I think of this sooner?” asks the Minister, bouncing up and down on her tiptoes. “With a law against breathing on the books and a bit of selective enforcement, this will be a panacea. We won’t have to bother with the work of spying and coming up with trumped-up charges; anyone that we have the faintest inkling of being disloyal can simply be arrested for violating the breathing statute and be done with it.”
  2. “Maybe the fact that we’re even considering this says that Random Chaos has gotten just a tiny bit too... uh... authoritarian,” whispers Cortana Barker, a low-level aide, while shaking uncontrollably with fear. “Maybe we could give the people just a tiny bit more freedom of thought and the like? I’m not talking anything too radical. I love your glorious regime as much as the next Random Chaosian, but maybe a bit of exchange of ideas between citizens could make it even better?” She glances at your Minister of Law and Order nervously, and then hastily continues. “Or not. Whatever you think is best! Gotta run!”
  3. “While I don’t support outlawing breathing outright, I do think there’s something to this,” states Homer Gonzalez, a cranky old man who has somehow wandered into your office. “Like those annoying mouth-breathers sitting next to you just gasping away while you’re trying to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee. Or those neighbors that keep you up all night with their loud snoring. No, breathing is fine; just make sure everyone keeps it quiet.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government's official stance on religion is that it is so very silly.

2020-10-26 07:30

A Question of Faith

Infighting between major religious groups over which faith should represent Random Chaos in an international exhibition of holy relics escalated to a new high, today. After the latest incident, in which one official received a concussion from a sacred healing stone, all of the religious leaders are at last united - in demanding you choose a national religion.

  1. “If you would grant us this one small mercy we would all be free from the iniquitous sin of envy,” says Fahd Strange, nervously rubbing a small religious symbol. “One’s faith is one’s guiding light after all, and I believe if you choose a national religion, well, MINE anyway, that heaven will smile upon this nation full of heathens a little more kindly.”
  2. “I don’t believe choosing one faith from the thousands out there is very fair,” says Lara Caesar, author of the critically acclaimed ‘Agnosticism and You’. “Which god do we pick? How do we pick? It’s impossible! We don’t even know if higher beings exist and it’s sheer arrogance to postulate otherwise! The government should officially declare that Random Chaos has no official religion, because the alternative would be self-damning. Not that we know that for sure, of course.”
  3. “Oh for chaos’ sake! ‘I don’t know this, I don’t know that’ - well of course you don’t!” shouts Rod Hesse, president of The Secular, Humanist, and Atheist Society. “But some of us have the guts to look at the available evidence and try to make something out of it! If the government has any brains or guts of its own it will reach the same conclusion that I and millions of other forward-looking people have reached: there is no God, there is no afterlife, and this is all there is. THAT, Leader, is what the government’s official stance should be.”
  4. “The only deity this country needs is the one it already has, master,” says Emmanuel Syme, one of your creepier advisers while obsequiously bowing on the floor. “I of course refer to you, Leader, the finest ruler any humble subject could hope to have! We long to worship you and do your bidding! Some call that a cult of personality, but I prefer to call it... love.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the bonfire of the old paper records can be seen for miles around Random Chaos City.

2020-10-26 01:30

Blazing Through the Paper Trail

Following a recent fire in the National Archive, which destroyed thousands of important documents, several vocal representatives have approached you with solutions.

  1. “We’ve got to face facts: technology has advanced beyond physical record-keeping,” councils Carmen Harkness, the PR representative for Eastern Electronic. “Digital records are easier to maintain and easier to back up. Our company can facilitate the switch from the archaic paper records to the sleek, new electronic system. There is the slight risk of electronic tampering, but our security systems are more than capable.”
  2. “Now, hold on a second. What about us?” asks Gerald O'Brien, the CEO of a national paper supplier. “We might not have the flash of an electronic system, but I’ll tell you what we do have: quality customer service. You’re saying fires are bad. Well, we hear you loud and clear. Stick with us and not only will we make physical copies of all the files to store in different locales, but I’ll get my research team to whip up some fire-resistant paper too. Let’s see those IT poindexters do all that!”
  3. “No, no, no. It’s all too dangerous!” screams Margaret Urquhart, dressed only in a cured gambler hide. “Paper can be destroyed by fire or floods, and electronic copies are susceptible to viruses and hackers! There’s only one way to truly keep our records safe. We must rerecord them on stone tablets. Fire can’t destroy them, and I’d like to see someone hack a piece of granite!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, poaching has been on the rise after animals from the nation's zoos were released into the wild.

2020-10-25 19:30

Fantastic Beasts and How Random Chaos Harmed Them

A shocking exposé on tourist attraction OceanWorld has revealed the mistreatment of captive orcas and other marine animals. Your office has since faced a tidal wave of complaints demanding government action.

  1. “This is torture!” shouts renowned whale biologist Willy Free, seen wearing an orca costume. “These poor and mistreated creatures can’t experience their natural habitat, and frankly live solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short lives! They can handle living in the wilderness and thrive better there. We must end these inhumane captivity programs. The same can go for zoos, circuses, and aquariums, too.”
  2. “You can’t do that, you ignorant whale lovers!” pleads CEO of OceanWorld, Lara Bishop, while counting OceanWorld Random Chaos City’s daily intake. “If you ban institutions like OceanWorld, how are endangered species going to survive in this big bad world? Isn’t it better that their populations thrive in our viewing tanks, rather than struggling in prime fishing waters? Besides, your average Random Chaosian will never get the chance to see these animals except at a zoo. Do you want to deny them that experience? Not to mention zoos and conservation programs like ours are a great way to get people interested in the environment. Everyone wins with OceanWorld!”
  3. “Perhaps there could be a compromise?” queries your Minister of Environment, Rod Hackett, who has been smelling like grass lately. “Ending zoos would harm the tourism industry, and we can’t deny that these programs help endangered species. Why don’t we set a limit on what animals they take? Specifically the endangered ones? I’m sure that we can also force tougher standards to ensure OceanWorld treats the animals humanely as well.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, diagrams of new modems collect dust in patent offices.

2020-10-25 13:30

Patently Obvious

The popular business simulation game “NationCrates” has been inspiring more Random Chaosians to start their own companies and develop new products. The backlog of application forms to patent inventions and register trademarks and company names has piled up in patent offices throughout Random Chaos, and both civic servants and would-be innovators are laying claims to new devices for banging down your door and making their voices heard.

  1. “Technology has gone too far!” rails overworked patent office clerk Egbert Dreistein, stumbling into your office. “The glut of new businesses and trademarks to protect leaves us no time to work on our research, er, civic duties. Our desks are covered with papers, and we have to work day and night to earn the money those new CEOs would earn in an hour! The government should make the registration process more difficult and tedious to dissuade all those amateurs from wasting our time.”
  2. “The registration process should be easier,” complains Cortana Burns, inventor of the EZ-Fake-Oven, a device that bakes physical versions of Internet cookies. “The future of the economy lies in the people. Self-employment is just the next step we need to take towards bringing that about. In fact, all registration should be done online!”
  3. “Anyone who thinks international crate shipping is some kind of game has never seen it firsthand,” notes laborer Homer Head. “The way to put an end to these frivolous patents is to get rid of the internet. Any big shots who want to start their own company can do it the same way we did back in the day: go stand in line at the office.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's infamous boot camp is more brutal than most battlefields.

2020-10-25 07:30

Sergeants Are Too Nasty, Say New Recruits

A haggard group of new recruits in Random Chaos’s army have spoken out against the brutal conditions experienced in their military training.

  1. “It’s atrocious!” wails Private Jamil Chew, from amidst the cacophony of a parade cadence. “We’re forced to sleep in crowded barracks, on hard cots, and do the most inhumane exercises when we wake up! Just today I’ve had to crawl through a muddy minefield, climb a grease-coated wall, and to top it all off, get mangled by an angry drill sergeant! All we want is a little respect from the officers - maybe to sleep in until noon, and not have to get all sweaty and tired doing stupid things like marching and climbing ropes. Oh, and private bedrooms too - we’re risking our lives for the country, after all.”
  2. “THEY WANT WHAT?!” screams Sgt. Burkz, while pressing back a rising vein on her neck. “This is WAR, not DAYCARE! If anything, the training standards should be tougher! If I want to whip some pasty-faced, beer-gutted greenhorn because he can’t climb over a razor-wire fence then I should be given the permission to do so right away! The cry-babies won’t like it, but they can run home back to their rich daddies if that’s the way they’re having it. War isn’t a walk in the park, and training shouldn’t be either. For all our sakes.”
  3. “Training, what a load of old hooey,” says renowned spendophobe and radio announcer, Natalie Jamieson. “The only thing it teaches our soldiers is how to shine boots and fight plastic dummies. We’d be better off if we just dropped them into the fight so they could learn to shoot for themselves. There might be a few accidents, but it’ll be worth it for all the chips we’ll save.”
  4. “There is another way, you know...” whispers Waylon Powell, the Chief of Secret Projects and Shiny Things in Random Chaos’s military research department. “What if we started taking children and raising them from birth to fight? We’d be able to make them completely immune to propaganda, psychological warfare, and demoralisation. Not only would that stop the crying new recruits, it’d also give us a powerful military edge. People may not like giving up their kids, but that’s why we run the country. We know better.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Greatest Rich-Poor Divides.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is now illegal for teens to view any sites except Club Kitten and My Little Donkey.

2020-10-25 01:30

Get Teens Out of MyFace?

After the abduction of a young blond girl made national headlines in Random Chaos, the concerned parenting organization Mothers Against Youth Doing Stupid Stuff (MAYDSS) has raised concerns over the use of social networking sites by the nation’s teens.

  1. “Teens should not be allowed to use social networking!” cries the girl’s mother, Sandra Moneypenny. “Some creep added my little darling as a ‘friend’ on that awful website, and he used it to get all of her personal information and track her down! Obviously, the only sane course of action is to ban all legal minors from using social networking sites! And don’t just stop at social networks: block everything else that MAYDSS doesn’t approve of!”
  2. “Why that’s utterly preposterous!” shouts Marcus Sugarmountain, founder of MyFace, a popular social networking site. “You can’t restrict people like that! Oh, sure, today it’s keeping teens from lining my wa- I mean - accessing my website, but tomorrow it’s keeping everyone from anywhere the government doesn’t like! I say free up the web, and get rid of restrictions!”
  3. “You know, there’s always a compromise,” says local birdwatcher Howard Suzuki peering at you from a nearby tree. “As I see it, the best way to keep both sides of the argument happy is to remove all restrictions on what adults can view and increase restrictions on minors. But at the same time, lower the age of majority by a lot. What could possibly go wrong?”
  4. “What could possibly go wrong, you ask?” panics your paranoid cousin, Bajrakitiyabha Carey. “On the internet, nobody knows your actual age. It’s a haven for malicious anonymity! Besides, children aren’t the only people at risk on the internet. It’s full of stalker-rapists and bomb-makers and viruses and sick, depraved porn. We’re better off without it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are barcoded to keep track of their movements.

2020-10-24 20:30

Police Consider “Big Brother” Anti-Crime System

The Police department is considering installing surveillance cameras in all major public areas, in an effort to crack down on crime.

  1. “This is a blatant invasion of the right to privacy!” says libertarian web site operator Tina Sanchez. “Now I can’t even go out in public any more without being watched? And you know this is just the beginning. Today there are cameras in city streets. Tomorrow they’re peering through your bedroom window.”
  2. “Hey, I’ve got news for you,” says Police media liaison Carmen Andersson. “When you’re out in public, PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU. These cameras will be extremely helpful in reducing the national crime rate. Frankly, I can’t see what the fuss is about.”
  3. “This ‘slippery slope’ argument has got me thinking,” says Police Minister Gerald Garrison. “You know, it would be a lot easier to fight crime if we watched people all the time. Not with cameras, of course. That’s clearly an invasion of privacy. But how about a national database of our citizens, coupled with compulsory ID cards and barcoding? It would stop crime dead in its tracks.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nature magazines featuring stick insects on their covers are sometimes mistaken for fashion magazines.

2020-10-24 14:30

Thin Skin

Popular fashion magazine Astropolitan has recently been criticized for heavy-handed use of photo-editing software to make their models appear slimmer, smoother-skinned and paler. A riot of fashionistas and equality advocates have sashayed and stumbled into your office to debate the issue.

  1. “Photograph enhancement is nothing new, darling,” slurs renowned fashion designer Carla Largerfield. “For my creations to look as gorgeous as possible, we need to make our models look as gorgeous as possible! If that means adjusting them down in post, then that’s what we do. We’re selling a dream of something better, not tawdry reality. What right does the government have to dictate how we edit our magazines? Besides, it’s not like we’re hurting anyone.”
  2. “Not hurting anyone, she says! LIES!” screams social worker Tanya Conway. “Young girls across Random Chaos read her magazines and think they need to conform to the faked physiques they see. Let’s not even talk about the implicit racism in deliberately whitening skin tones! I implore you, make photographic enhancement of models illegal, for the sake of the children!”
  3. “Simply banning photo-editing is insufficient,” proclaims plus-sized pop star Megan Plimsoll. “It’s abhorrent that only tall, slim women are considered for modelling jobs when the styles will be sold to women of all shapes and sizes. I suggest a government mandate declaring that fashion designers must fairly represent women of every size on their catwalks and in their photoshoots. Only then can we start to fight inequality in the fashion industry.”
  4. Your Minister for Friendly Solutions, Brenda Kent, suggests an alternative solution: “How about instead of setting quotas or inflicting bans, we try and change society. Let art bring forth a candle. A big fat tallow candle. I suggest you tax the fashionistas and use that money to subsidize artists who are making positive depictions of the plus sized: a big-boned bronze statue here, a Rubenesque nude there. Denounce commercial culture, and promote fine art of the fat!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all new "spies" are fifteen-year-old acne-ridden kids on computers.

2020-10-24 08:30

Bugged by Lack of Intelligence

A naval frigate from Random Chaos was recently ambushed by a rival navy in the international waters of The Hatrackia. Security analysts have admitted that faulty intelligence was to blame and are now insisting that something be done to prevent a situation like this happening again.

  1. “The best way to gain accurate intelligence is when it’s in transit,” says Tanya Bowman, a communications technician from the RCSA, while hunched over a computer. “Think of the information the Random Chaos Security Agency could get from telephone calls, emails, radio chatter, even internet browsing history! All we would need are satellites, servers, algorithms, and quality mathematicians to intercept them. It might be costly, but you don’t want another embarrassing incident, do you?”
  2. “We don’t need to spend so much money on technology when we can rely on manpower,” says Director Brenda Harkness, head of the Random Chaos Intelligence Agency, while putting on a pair of black shades. “Can a computer gain a leader’s trust? Can a telephone stop a terrorist? We need inside men around every foreign diplomat, general and guerrilla this side of The Hatrackia!”
  3. “Speaking of inside men…” says an unnamed secret service agent, stepping out of the shadows, “How do we know they haven’t infiltrated our intelligence services? Think about it, how else would they know our plans and convoy routes? Spies and insurgents — now they are the real problem; a problem I can get rid of if you let me launch a secret investigation with, eh, secret results.”
  4. “I know of a cheaper option,” says your intern, lifelessly scrolling through whistleblowing site KwikiLeaks. “Why bother spending so much on the intelligence services here, when whistleblowers from others are posting all their information online? You could just set up some ‘game rooms’ for bored, tech-savvy kids. Make a game out of finding useful electronic intelligence and reward them with pizza or something.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, legions of police officers force people to move into massive urban apartments.

2020-10-24 02:30

Delivering Mayhem in Thirty Minutes or Less!

Hoping to increase its market share, Random Chaos’s second-largest pizza chain, De Luigi Bros. Pizza, began guaranteeing free pizzas if they weren’t delivered in thirty minutes or less. Since the policy began several months ago, there have been several reports of De Luigi’s delivery crew driving recklessly in order to beat the deadline. After a number of fatal accidents were attributed to De Luigi’s drivers, citizens are calling for action.

  1. “Here’s a thought,” says Fanny Suzuki, environmental activist and committed bicyclist, “These auto accidents wouldn’t be happening if there weren’t any cars in the first place! If you banned cars from our roads and focused on bikes and mass transit, we’d all be safer, and our environment would be cleaner, too. We’ve got nothing to lose! Except an auto industry of course. And the pizza industry will probably take a hit too, since it’ll be harder to deliver the pizzas. But that doesn’t matter: our safety and the planet’s future do!”
  2. “What the... hell does that have to do with anything?” asks Ken Carey, successful personal injury lawyer and owner of four sports cars. “The real issue is that De Luigi’s enacted a stupid policy that resulted in injury and property damage! We need to send a clear message to big business that they’ll be held liable for their mistakes, and the best way to do that, of course, is with a punitive class action lawsuit.”
  3. “As usual, science has the answer!” claims renowned engineer and futurist, Dr. Prudence Holt. “You’re probably aware that there have been numerous developments in unmanned aerial vehicles over the past several years. Well, my laboratory’s been developing this supersonic compact lifter drone with ASM ballistic delivery of boxes, type II AI, PIM, RTP, VTOL, GPS and a bunch of other initialisms that make it perfect for this kind of application! It performed... okay in the test run, barring the occasional cardboard-concussed bystander. So if the military would allow us to sell these things to, uh, pretty much everyone, defense contractors can make a mint manufacturing them; and pizza chains can save a small fortune by not having to pay armies of inexperienced teenage drivers! They should still carry plenty of insurance, though.”
  4. “Wait, this is getting out of hand!” moans Benito De Luigi, CEO and co-founder of De Luigi Bros. Pizza. “We just wanted to dethrone those smug jerks at Papa Pallocci’s, that’s all! This isn’t our fault; the real culprit is, uh... suburbia! Yeah! Those rows and rows of poorly-built, identical houses on stupid cul-de-sacs are a confusing nightmare for our delivery crews. Most people should be living in urban high-rise apartments, and I guess everyone else can save time by not commuting so much. Offer some incentives to get people to move: a month’s free rent and a free trip to jail if they refuse to leave!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, consumption of cat memes has skyrocketed.

2020-10-23 20:30

Broadband Going to the Birds?

An IT firm organized an unusual race between a carrier pigeon toting a flash drive and Random Chaos’s fastest internet provider. The bird easily beat the internet, prompting a debate about internet speeds.

  1. “This is horribly embarrassing!” cries the pixelated image of popular online vlogger Matilda Nygma. Two and a half minutes of buffering later she continues, “Our internet is the slowest in The Hatrackia. Our system needs a massive overhaul. We need to crank it up! Fiber optic connections all across Random Chaos! Imagine the increase in productivity. Imagine how much more connected we’ll all be. It’ll be well worth the cost, Leader.”
  2. “You’ve got to be joking!” scoffs your Minister of Finance, Katniss Uhura. “The government has far more important problems at hand than dealing with trivial matters such as the internet speed. The people of Random Chaos have access to the internet. That’s far better than most of the world. Leave the internet providers to run themselves and get back to the business of running the country.”
  3. “Well, this certainly is eye-opening,” exclaims amateur birdwatcher, Steffan Cobblepot, with a pair of binoculars dangling from his neck. “Here we are mucking about with our inefficient technology and the birds have us beat! Clearly we need to convert all our internet connections into bird-based-broadband! We’ll need flocks upon flocks of pigeons and a tight training schedule, but we can do it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's youth would rather watch paint dry than the news.

2020-10-23 14:30

Fake News, Everyone!

Journalistic pieces filled with falsehoods have been popping up all over the internet recently, especially on social media.

  1. “Lousy so-called ‘journalism’!” exclaims the highly intelligent but often forgetful Nyota Farnsworth, an aging journalist. “Fake news is a blasted scourge and an insult to real reporters everywhere. Whatever happened to the good old days when the media reported the truth and nothing but the truth? No lies, no political bias, and no freedom to spread incorrect opinions. Of course, it might not reach today’s hip young audience, but we can’t let subjective thoughts ruin the press. Ban these fake news sites and arrest these ridiculous conspiracy theorists!”
  2. “I’m from Random Chaos, and that’s why I deserve my free speech!” rages Alexander Jonas of the controversial show My Info Struggle. “People should be able to say whatever they want. The truth is, I’m a hard-hitting, fact-seeking, freedom-lover! The government has no right to declare that my journalism is any less valid than the hacks you see on television. People deserve opinions from people that aren’t a part of the bureaucratic elite, from independent sources that they can trust. You should be cutting taxes for shows like mine, because the government needs critics to stop corruption dead in its tracks!”
  3. “No matter what you decide, someone is going to be unhappy,” notes Trevor Oliver of The Weekly Moan, a news satire program. “Allowing fake news spreads ignorance and fear, but clamping down on it harms freedom of speech. You’ll note that before each of my shows, there is a disclaimer stating that this isn’t real news and shouldn’t be taken seriously. Couldn’t you simply force the fake news sites to openly state that they’re fake? Sure, the government would be able to decide which sites should and shouldn’t be coupled with a warning, but the people wouldn’t be easily tricked any more.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, punk rockers smash it up and then clean it up.

2020-10-23 08:30

Down in the Groove

The literary world has been up in arms since the Gambler Prize, the most prestigious award for writing, was awarded to Random Chaosian rock star Dylan Roberts. This controversial honour has caused many to reconsider how literature should be taught in schools.

  1. “This is a disgrace to the arts,” remarks professor John Cotchin, while taking a break from violently crossing out entire paragraphs from a pile of essays he is grading. “It is preposterous that a prestigious award should go to such an undeserving person. His lyrics, which contain improper grammar, slang and profanities, should not be taught in schools. Only proper literature - novels, essays and poems - should be considered appropriate material for the curriculum. The education system must encourage children to read books and poems, not listen to ‘pop’ music.”
  2. “What?” says teenager Olivia Khachaturian, while taking off her headphones. “Oh yeah, Dylan Roberts is totally cool. He’s, like, inspiring too. Last night, he inspired me to write a song. It’s called ‘Like a Tumbling Boulder’; wanna hear it?” Looking disappointed by her would-be audience’s insistence on not hearing the song, she resumes. “We should definitely learn more about rock sta... I mean, song lyrics in schools. Songs are like poems, except way less boring.”
  3. “Have you heard some of these songs?” questions William Rikkard, your Minister of Education. “Many of Dylan Roberts’ songs express anti-government themes and encourage the youth of Random Chaos to do illegal things. We cannot allow these messages to exist any more. The government must take control of the music industry, censor anything that encourages illegal activity, and punish those who flout the law.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, terrorists are on a first name basis with the officials that stamp their passports.

2020-10-23 02:30

A Wolf in Refugee’s Clothing

After it became clear that a recent mass shooting in Maxtopia was an act of terror by a Lilliputian Ultra-Violetist who entered Maxtopia by claiming refugee status from the ongoing Lilliputian Civil War, Random Chaosians are demanding you find a way to keep terrorists out of Random Chaos.

  1. “We have to balance safety with helping people who are just looking for a better life,” states Minister of Internal Affairs, Susie Wonka, while drinking her half-full cup of coffee. “Why don’t we just carefully screen potential refugees to see if they have any connections to terrorists? I’m sure with some elbow grease and stick-to-it-osity we’ll be able to effectively process all these immigration applications. And I’m sure when those poor refugees meet the welcoming Random Chaosian people, the trauma of years of atrocity-filled civil war will be wiped away!”
  2. “Background checks will not work,” bluntly declares Minister of Homeland Insecurities Josh Ebert, while staring at his half-empty water glass. “Bureaucracies are simply just too slow and unreliable to do it successfully. We need something that’s sure to keep out terrorists. Let’s bar anyone who is associated with Ultra-Violet havens like Lilliputia from entering the country. Sure, some people will be whining about freedoms, but who cares? They’re not even Random Chaosian.”
  3. “No!” cries Clover Moonshine, your Minister of Good Vibrations. “We’d be giving terrorists metaphysical ammo against us. And surely you can’t be heartless to refugees who are only trying to find safety for their families. Studies have shown the most effective teams are from diverse backgrounds. We should open the borders to everyone, no questions asked. I say our policy should be: give us your tired, your poor, your huddled mass shooters. What? We can rehabilitate them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's never enough space in space.

2020-10-22 20:30

The Hit Parade

Two decommissioned satellites recently collided, the Random Chaosian craft Gambler-4, and East Lebatuck’s Sputnak-3. In the aftermath, scientists have become alarmed over the possibility of Kessler syndrome, a phenomenon where the density of debris in space becomes so high collisions can have a domino effect, causing further collisions and debris. Using crayons and peanut butter, your aides have drawn you a diagram to try to convince you that this positive feedback loop could ultimately destroy all low earth orbit satellites, making space travel impossible for generations.

  1. “I have a bad feeling about this,” warns famously handsome astronaut, Lieutenant George Kloonalski. “It’s the same feeling I once had on a space walk while repairing a satellite, and that did not end up going well. But I don’t want to bore you with my space stories, the point is, reforms are desperately needed to make sure collisional cascading does not happen. You should make sure every satellite launched in Random Chaos has high standards of safety and planning, most importantly having a plan for satellite disposal at mission’s end. Given the gravity of the situation, I think these steps are unavoidable.”
  2. “Taking unilateral action is futile if other space-faring nations do not also act in kind,” remarks mediator Carey Fissinger, well known for space shuttle diplomacy. “We need to immediately launch an international space debris summit to assure that all nations, not just Random Chaos, properly regulate launched satellites. Given the dependence of modern economies on satellites, we shouldn’t be afraid to use trade sanctions and other forms of political pressure to persuade all nations to agree to global regulations.”
  3. “But East Lebatuck started it!” whines Billy-Bob Turner, one of your more petulant advisers. “Gambler-4 was just fine until that stupid Sputnak-3 hit it. We shouldn’t have to do anything other than tell the world where we’re putting satellites. It’s up to East Lebatuck to move out of our way!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, drug deals return to the streets as legions of undercover officers stalk the dark web.

2020-10-22 14:30

Killer App

Teen pop-sensation ‘Justyn’ is dead, and the police investigation into his brutal murder-by-decapitation has revealed that it was a contract killing, organised through a highly professional ‘dark web’ assassination firm.

  1. “This talentless teeny-bopper’s pop music may have been criminally bad, but he didn’t deserve the death penalty!” jokes online video blogger and police academy dropout Oprah Rabin. “Clearly law enforcement is struggling with modern technology. Leader, if you’re watching, take my advice: spend some money on a decent Cyber Crimes division. Fill it with people who might have failed a stupid physical test, but who have tech-savvy and brains. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, yes I’d love to join up!”
  2. “You can’t police the internet short of shutting it down, and only a loony would suggest that could be an option. People need to defend themselves at the moment of attack!” asserts Tasers’n’Lasers rep Winston Wonka, via streamed video-link. “Crazy regulations about so-called ‘reasonable force’ are holding us back. Let the free market arm the people, so that a free people can freely defend themselves! Though obviously, ahem, not for free.”
  3. “Bonjour!” interjects Victor Reno, a dignified-looking gent who you thought was just a cleaner, as he places a handgun on your desk with its barrel pointing towards you. “The OneClickDeath Corporation sends its greetings. We would like you to legalise our little enterprise, so we can move from the dark web and into the light of legitimate business, death merchant apps and micropayment mutilations. We would allow you to create a small excluded target list, and will always be fastidious with tax payments. Just think on it.” He departs, leaving the handgun on the table.
  4. Your phone chimes, as a WotsOn message comes through from your brother: “LOL, M8, ding dong ding dong news Just-yn, POP iz DED, long live GOOD TASTE. U want me to get together a list of other poop-star targets? Haha. I got secure PayBuddy set up, u just say the word, and u strike a blow for music lovers everywhere. BANG BANG BANG! b c-ing u.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the richest individuals apparently buy nothing but noodles and toilet paper.

2020-10-22 08:30

Vexing VAT

A collection of shoppers and business owners have gathered outside your office to protest over the current levels of value-added tax - the sales tax that is applied to products and services at the time of purchase - also known as VAT.

  1. “It’s outright theft, I say!” exclaims business owner Quincy Case, while restocking a display with mugs exhibiting your image. “Why should the state leech off my success? I’ve had customers walk out of my store in a huff because the VAT jacked up the prices. The government could easily make money through other kinds of tax instead of harming my business. I say we get rid of this ridiculous VAT altogether and let our economy thrive without limits!”
  2. “Are you mad?” scoffs bureaucrat Virginia Hudson, twirling her bespoke pen. “Do you have any idea how much the national treasury takes in through VAT? It helps pay for all kinds of things! Education, welfare, defence, and so on. The point is, this form of tax is a very valuable part of our taxation code that, if removed, would leave many public works bereft of funds. I say we increase VAT, and use the funds we raise to reduce the despicable income tax that bleeds the hard-working people of Random Chaos dry.”
  3. “As always, there is a third option,” muses a passer-by with a voice of confidence. “There is no doubt that this tax disproportionately affects the poor, but we also can’t deny that it helps fund programmes that the poor themselves benefit from. Might I suggest reducing VAT on basic necessities while increasing it on luxury items? The rich might not like it, but it’s high time that they paid their dues to society and their fellow citizens.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Eminence Grise" to "Powerbroker".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, arthritic surgeons with tremulous fingers reassure patients that they are in safe hands.

2020-10-22 02:30

Operation Failed

Dr. Henri Jacquil made the headlines yesterday after a mistake made during a routine operation caused the death of your Minister of Foreign Affairs. With the recent advances in the capabilities of artificial intelligence, some in the medical field are wondering if autonomous robot surgeons should be given a whack at surgery.

  1. “This seems like a no-brainer to me,” states the editor-in-chief of the Random Chaosian Medical Journal. “Surgery simply puts too much stress on the surgeons. After all, they’re humans with human fallibility. Besides, the artificial intelligence has not yet failed a test run. The precision in which they operate is absolutely stunning and nothing near what the average Random Chaosian surgeon can replicate. With healthy investment into this artificial intelligence field, we will turn science fiction into a reality.”
  2. “I think you’re overreacting here,” cautions Dr. Jacquil, his hands shaking with what looks suspiciously like narcotics withdrawal. “Everyone makes mistakes once in a while; it’s a fact you don’t need to hide. The reason that the plebs... I mean patients still come to me is for the human touch, and my empathetic bedside manner! Can a machine offer that? You would be destroying the venerated centuries-old doctor-patient relationship, and putting skilled surgeons out of work! Cutting up meatbags is something that should only be done by a fellow human! Keep these thinking machines away from my operating theatre!”
  3. “Why stop at just the operating room doors when there’s so much more an AI could do for us?” asks Dr. Barbara Berenstain, Professor of Experimental Gynaecological Robotics, fetching a fresh box of batteries from the top shelf. “We could make hospitals so much more efficient if we allowed them to adopt more roles: diagnostic chatbots, robot nurses, computerised counsellors, and so on. AIs should outnumber humans by at least twenty to one on the hospital staff.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, minorities play dumb to get more welfare payments.

2020-10-21 20:30

Slow and Stupid Is the Race

A book on race and intelligence written by a prominent, but controversial, geneticist has caused a mighty kerfuffle with its claim that some groups are naturally less intelligent than others.

  1. “Group differences in intelligence are purely environmental,” argues Rajesh Love, an academic and Bigtopian immigrant, handing his well-tailored cashmere coat to your intern and adjusting his ascot tie. “Performance results on intelligence tests are influenced by test bias and stereotype threat. Wealthy people who are better educated have higher scores, while the necessitous with their poor nutrition never stand a chance. It has nothing to do with genetics. Give minorities better education and living standards and they’ll catch up.”
  2. “I just said that poor educational performance reflects an underlying genetic cause, and that it’s not because of any environmental factors,” states the book’s author, Nomathemba Shiomi, as she looks up ‘necessitous’ in a dictionary. “There have been observed differences between the average IQ scores of varying groups, which also show that these differences persist even after controlling for factors such as income. Throwing money at minorities doesn’t help them; instead you should cut welfare for these people to motivate them to study harder and thus overcome their natural deficiencies. This is the only way to help them improve their station in life.”
  3. “What a load of drivel!” declares Wei Bell, a Bigtopian supremacist, proudly displaying his chunky gold ‘Bigtopia Rulz’ medallion for all to see. “The notion that Bigtopians are inferior to another group, especially Random Chaosians, cannot be tolerated. These ‘researchers’ with their absurd ideas must not be given a platform. I demand that you burn their books and send them into exile.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is relieved that all of the recent madness has finally come to an end.

2020-10-21 14:30

The Random Chaosian with the Golden Gun

Good news, everyone! East Lebatuck has accepted your offer for a prisoner swap — on the condition that you deliver their agent to the meeting place in person, alone and unarmed.

  1. You have arrived at the agreed-upon location, a bridge that spans the border between Smalltopia and East Lebatuck. Their spy, who is still wearing handcuffs and a Random Chaosian prison uniform, dutifully shuffles alongside you as you exit your car. The night air seems colder than usual for this time of year. After a few minutes, an armored personnel carrier drives over from the other side of the bridge, with lackeys in suits running alongside the vehicle. A phalanx of bodyguards armed with automatic rifles jump out of the vehicle and point their weapons at you as East Lebatuck Chairman Joseph Rushev steps out of the back. He pulls a disheveled figure out of the vehicle and pushes him toward you as your own prisoner starts walking toward his people. “Come here, Comrade Adel. The imperialists can’t hurt you anymore,” smirks Rushev, who turns to face you. “So, I must ask... how stupid are you? Now I get to swap a useless prisoner for the leader of Random Chaos! How much money do you think your government is willing to pay to get you back?” Without warning, the guard furthest to the right suddenly pivots and unleashes a barrage of bullets into the other guards, who are cut down before they realize what is happening. The rogue shooter removes his helmet, revealing the handsome face of James Bont. Your secret agent runs over to your position, keeping his rifle pointed at Chairman Rushev, and pulls out a phone. After dialing a number, he listens intently for a moment before a loud burst of static disrupts the silence. “Looks like your plans are shot, comrade!” announces Bont, mockingly. “I’ve just detonated all of the hidden explosives that I planted on your missiles on San Vitenzo. Consider yourself impotent! I suggest you head on home, or the next bullet that comes out of this gun is going to get a little Red.” Bont turns toward you as Chairman Rushev jumps back into his vehicle and slinks away towards the other side of the bridge. “Let’s go home, shall we?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign visitors are wary of being kidnapped and swapped for military hostages.

2020-10-21 08:30

Skycrash

Your brave pilots made a valiant effort to take out the missile installations on San Vitenzo. Unfortunately, the enemy was prepared for this scenario. The Random Chaosian bombers were harassed by enemy anti-aircraft fire from the moment they entered San Vitenzan airspace. Your military analysts are now reporting that one of the aircraft has been shot down, and the pilot was captured.

  1. “What a disaster!” shouts Defense Minister Mack Rimera, now drinking directly from his unmarked flask. “Not only were our bombers unable to complete their mission, but they’re probably torturing that pilot as we speak! At least he reportedly put up a good fight before they were able to capture him. Well, screw it. We’re out of options. We must launch a full invasion of San Vitenzo.”
  2. “Do you always let your... pistol do your thinking for you?” replies Maureen Dusk, whose guitar is uncharacteristically silent. “What if we were to offer a prisoner swap? We still have that East Lebatuckese spy we found wandering in the shopping district of Random Chaos City a while back. He didn’t seem to know much about anything, so it wouldn’t be a great loss. Let’s offer to trade him for our pilot. If we act fast enough, they might not be able to extract any classified military secrets.”
  3. Before anyone else can speak, your rarely seen Minister of Mass Destruction, Dr. Helix Fenniker, climbs down a rope ladder that has just descended from the ceiling. “I couldn’t help overhearing that we have a belligerent enemy and a captured pilot. Allow me to introduce ‘ICE-X’ — my lab’s solution to both of those problems. This breakthrough bio-weapon destroys cell walls via a rapid crystallization process. Deployment is easy — we’ve already loaded the canisters into some modified cruise missiles. Our warships can fire them at the enemy bases with impunity! Of course, any ‘innocent’ civilians or animals that are exposed to the residue will experience catastrophic organ failure. But look on the bright side! Our pilot won’t be able to divulge any secrets, and most of the enemy troops will be eliminated!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military has a surprising tolerance for collateral damage.

2020-10-21 02:30

On Leader’s Secret Service

You and your advisors are gathered around the table in a secure meeting room to hear the latest updates from your secret agent, whose static-distorted voice is currently emanating from a phone in the center of the table.

  1. “Good morning. I regret to inform you that I will require some assistance,” declares Bont, who doesn’t betray any sense of emotion. “The nuclear missiles on this island are currently being housed in secure warehouses at East Lebatuck’s military bases. The problem is that each warehouse is surrounded by a battalion of elite troops from their Red Guard. No one gets in or out without the top general’s explicit approval. I need someone in HQ to hack into the enemy’s personnel files and make it look like I’m a missile technician who was sent by Chairman Rushev to check on their progress. Can you make it happen?”
  2. “This obviously isn’t working,” states Defense Minister Mack Rimera, twitching nervously as he continues to gulp coffee from an oversize mug. “The enemy is going to see right through that plan. Remember the time Bont tried to pass as a Macronesian Islander? What a debacle. The easy way to solve this problem is with a good, old-fashioned bombing. We can target the missile warehouses — at least the ones we know about — and keep civilian casualties to a minimum. Two hundred deaths is fairly low, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the unofficial motto of the nation's intelligence agency is "in Bont we trust".

2020-10-20 20:30

Leave and Let Die

During today’s negotiations, you told the enemy that it was acceptable to station nuclear weapons near your borders. Your shocked advisors have confronted you to get clarification about that particular stance.

  1. “You were just bluffing, right?” questions Defense Minister Mack Rimera, who looks like he’s on the verge of a panic attack. “We can’t have enemy nukes within range of our people! Our bombers are fueled and ready for takeoff as we speak. Just give the word, and this whole problem will be destroyed in a violent inferno — the only option that truly brings closure to this mess.”
  2. “I get it... you were only stalling so that Bont would have more time to sabotage the missile installations,” surmises Intelligence Minister N with a look of dawning comprehension. “That is what you were doing, correct? We are in a position to eliminate the enemy’s first strike capabilities. Let’s seize the opportunity!”
  3. “I thought we agreed to not meddle in other countries’ business?” admonishes Minister of International Diplomacy Maureen Dusk, thrashing out an improvised version of ‘Paint It Violet’ on her guitar. “Send James Bont home, and let’s get out of here. Who cares if they have nuclear weapons? Maybe if we started minding our own business and working to make Random Chaos a better place instead of spending so much on the military, they wouldn’t feel so threatened by us.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are being told that the greatness of a nation's power is the measure of its surrender.

2020-10-20 15:00

Chairman No

East Lebatuck and San Vitenzo have accepted your request for a diplomatic summit. After a brief flight, you have arrived in Granfalloon, the dusty and impoverished capital city of San Vitenzo. Several dignitaries are already waiting to speak with you.

  1. “Ah, the capitalist pigs have arrived!” smirks East Lebatuckese Chairman Joseph Rushev, who was handing out hammer-and-sickle pins to the local residents. “The proud workers of San Vitenzo are tired of putting up with imperialist harassment. Stationing our nuclear weapons here liberates them from the threat of outside interference. With our support and protection, San Vitenzo can divert funding from their military to schools, roads, and other infrastructure. Now kindly remove yourselves from this island before you get into any trouble — and try to improve the welfare of your own downtrodden citizens before casting any more aspersions upon our brave comrades.”
  2. “Let’s not start off on the wrong foot,” calls out San Vitenzo’s sandal-clad President for Life, “Doc” Moreno, as he walks up to you and pulls you aside. “The hard-working people of our nation need protection from the imperialists of the world who would take advantage of us... like you, perhaps. However, these nuclear missiles have just turned us into a target. What if you and Rushev were to each remove some of your weapons that were near the other party’s borders? If your missiles in Smalltopia were to disappear, I think I could talk Rushev into removing all of his missiles from this island. Now... while you’re here, have you ever heard of boko-maru?” He looks at your feet and removes a tape measure from his pocket.
  3. As you are about to return to your hotel room, a young woman approaches you and starts speaking rapidly. “Excuse me! My name is Ramona Moreno — President Moreno is my father. Papa is too proud to admit it, but our people are starving. Since he’ll never ask for it directly, I will: we need massive amounts of food and medical aid. The East Lebatuckese don’t care about our people; they’re just exploiting us for our resources and taking advantage of our location in case they need to launch missiles at Random Chaos. Without your assistance, we’ll quickly end up as another impoverished, powerless satellite state within East Lebatuck’s Socialist Pact. Please negotiate a missile removal plan with my father — and then send us as much aid as you can afford.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, enemy agents are generally eliminated with extreme prejudice.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, police pull people off the street for even mentioning the word plane.

2020-10-20 08:30

It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! No, It’s... Oh, It Was a Plane

A military courier, Gary Lopez, rushes into your office in a panic, “Leader, there’s been a terrible tragedy! We mistook a civilian aircraft for an attack bomber and launched an anti-aircraft missile at it. There are no survivors. What should we do?”

  1. “Blame the Bigtopians!” shouts Lucy Shewhart, your most jingoistic advisor. “No one can really prove it was us. Pin it on our foes and prove to the world how monstrous they are. It’s the perfect excuse to double-down on our military investments. How else can we possibly defend ourselves against such amoral villains?”
  2. “What did you expect to happen?” says Sayid Beethoven, leader of Random Chaosians Against Arms. “You can hardly walk down the street without seeing a soldier on their front-porch polishing a surface-to-air missile. With all of these weapons in the government’s hands, of course accidents are going to happen. The only way to prevent an awful war is to openly admit our mistake and massively cut back on the number of weapons in circulation. That will keep this tragedy from ever happening again.”
  3. “How do we even know it was a civilian aircraft?” insinuates Chief Spy L———. “We could just quietly let the word out that it was actually a secret military aircraft sent in by the Bigtopians to spy on us, and no one could blame us for shooting it down. Clearly the numerous schoolchildren and nuns were just clever disguises meant to fool us.”
  4. “Deny, deny, deny,” explains Alexei Griffin, Deputy Minister of Information. “We didn’t shoot down a plane because there was no plane. There are no corpses because no one was on the plane - which didn’t exist anyway. Anyone who says otherwise is clearly just slandering the Glorious Free Land of Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's new currency features full-length portraits of Leader in ermine and velvet garb.

2020-10-20 02:30

Who’s in Your Wallet?

After some years in circulation, it’s time for a new set of banknotes to be issued in Random Chaos. With a growing rumbling of dissatisfaction among segments of society who are unhappy with the lack of diversity of those depicted on the current notes, your ever-besieged office is now besieged by numismatic malcontents wanting to have their say.

  1. “Every time I open my wallet, I see the same old dead farts staring back at me,” bemoans Leia Crane, ringleader of the aptly named Got Change? movement, whilst waving a wad of notes about. “Let’s face it, this country has changed a lot since these people were slapped on our notes — but we’ve had the same people on them since the stone age! We need to depict minorities and women, and celebrate unsung heroes like authors and scientists! Show the world who truly made Random Chaos great!”
  2. “By Violet’s ponytail, is nothing sacred?” decries staunch conservative Rory de la Rue, frantically waving a small Random Chaosian pennant. “First they came for our national anthem, then our holidays, now even our cash has to be changed to coddle the feelings of these kooks! Well, no more I say, the buck stops here! It should be a crime even calling for the alteration of our national symbols, customs, and institutions!”
  3. “It’s time to use the change in notes as a great propag... I mean, chance to increase the population’s affection and devotion towards Your Excellency,” says a finger-twiddling toady advisor. “If anyone should grace our nation’s currency, it’s you. L’état, c’est toi, non?” The finger-twiddling continues unabated in the midst of a cackle.
  4. “K, u can change the ppl but u need like celebs and WhoTube *s on em. Nohbdy cares bout science n junk, just pick kewl peeps,” reads an instant message from your super with-it niece.
  5. Finally, your mother chimes in with more of her infamous unsolicited advice. “Now, now dear. I know your little niece wants some famous nickelodeon personae on our bills, and some other chaps want esteemed alchemists and so on. But why not just please everyone and have nobody shown on our notes? Avoid controversy this way. Just put happy little trees, or a gambler, celebrating the nature of our beautiful country. Wouldn’t that just be lovely to have cute, little gamblers smiling back at you every time you go to pay for your morning tea and porridge?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's more than one way to skin a diplomat.

2020-10-19 14:30

From East Lebatuck With Love

Today was supposed to be a calm day. The issues on your desk this morning were even more trivial than usual. Of course, that’s how it always goes. Your Minister of Intelligence, known only as ‘N’, suddenly bursts into your office with an armful of surveillance photos. “Leader, we’ve discovered an urgent problem. The nearby island nation of San Vitenzo — a backward, communist hellhole — has suddenly become a buzzing hive of activity. East Lebatuck has covertly brought a shipment of nuclear missiles to the island and is setting them up as we speak. Yes, we put some of our own missiles in Smalltopia — but we’re the good guys! They have no right to threaten us! I’m sending in secret agent James Bont to deal with the situation. Of course, we will need to attack this problem on all fronts, so I have invited our colleagues from some of the... less interesting government ministries to discuss a few additional options.”

  1. Without any hesitation, Defense Minister Mack Rimera marches into your office and drops a stack of reports into your lap. “We can’t afford to let East Lebatuck put our citizens in mortal danger! Those commies only respect power and violence. If we send our warships to blockade San Vitenzo, this will allow us to project a show of force, while also preventing additional shipments of missiles or enemy troops from reaching the island. Do you agree?”
  2. “Perhaps a calmer reply would produce better results,” suggests Minister of International Diplomacy Maureen Dusk, who walks in with the acoustic guitar that she is infamous for carrying around at all times. “The missiles are definitely a threat, but they’re not yet capable of firing them from San Vitenzo. We have a limited window of opportunity to solve things peacefully. What if we suggested some sort of diplomatic summit between our three nations? It couldn’t hurt to ask.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's declaring that sharing nukes is caring.

2020-10-19 09:30

Never Say Yes to a Conference Again

Once again, the cruel hand of obligation has dragged you to the G20,000 Summit, an annual gathering of nations great and small. You are currently stuck in the evening social mixer, where one wrong word to a rival nation’s representatives can quickly escalate to hostilities. Unfortunately, several dignitaries appear keen on talking to you.

  1. “There you are! We haven’t spoken in ages,” enthuses Chancellor Kurt Zahmahkibo of Smalltopia. “I hate to ask for your help, but I have a bit of a conundrum. I’m sure you have heard that East Lebatuck, our largest neighbor, has become rather menacing and hostile recently. Their military has been conducting frequent ‘training exercises’ right next to the border. The next thing you know, they’ll be storming our cities with their tanks! To be blunt, we need protection from these communist warmongers. Would it be possible to station some of your nuclear weapons in our country?”
  2. Before you can respond, you hear a shout from the nearby bar. “Hey, it’s the Head Honcho of Random Chaos! How’s it going?” exclaims Smalltopia’s Air Chief Marshall Stella Fufu, who seems to see this sort of gathering as an excuse to get uproariously drunk. “Did the Boss Man tell you about our proposal to borrow some of your nukes? You know, if you really wanted to protect us, why don’t you just give us the launch codes after sending over your missiles? That way, we’d both be able to unleash destruction upon anyone who threatened us... including those vulgar Maxtopians.”
  3. “Yeah... we’re not giving out our nuclear launch codes,” declares your Defense Minister, Mack Rimera, who has been glaring at the Merovingian delegation with a look of disgust. “However, Chancellor Zahmahkibo has a point. The commie parasites need to be kept in check. Tell Smalltopia that we will agree to their request, but only if we can set up a military base on their land — and doing it correctly is going to require a lot of tax chips.”
  4. “Seriously? You still have weapons of mass destruction?” calls Prime Minister Anders Anderson of Skandilund, who was eavesdropping from a nearby table. “I strongly urge you to dismantle them. I know they make you feel powerful and can lead to a variety of entertaining dilemmas, but the world would be so much safer without them. And more boring, but I suppose some people like that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's hunting season on loan sharks.

2020-10-19 02:30

Payday Groans

Payday loan outlets provide quick loans to financially challenged individuals, but at interest rates far above what banks and other lenders charge. They have become the latest target of itinerant anti-poverty activists.

  1. “These payday loan and cheque cashing places are nothing more than money-hungry parasites preying on the weak and vulnerable!” declares placard-hoisting campaigner Avery Snow. “By charging ridiculous levels of compound interest, they put their users deeper and deeper into debt! You must intervene and govern the entire loan business: set maximum interest rates, lessen fees charged for their services, and impose heavy fines on violators!”
  2. “It’s none of the government’s business what I charge in terms of interest rates and fees; this is supposed to be a free market, is it not?” bemoans payday loan magnate Cashius Chekov. “I provide an invaluable service to people who need quick funds, for important things like leaky roofs, bicycle accidents, Eckie-Ecola sales... important things. Charging 40% interest isn’t exorbitant; you can tell by the lines of happy clients who visit us every day! Stay out of our business, and we’ll stay out of yours.”
  3. “Payday loan and cheque cashing institutions are notorious for money laundering and other dubious activities,” scowls Chief Detective Eobard Bourdain of the Random Chaos City Police Department. “Do you know how many phony cheques are cashed, or criminal activities are facilitated through the North-Northwestern Union money transfer service? If you want to help stymie crime, just shut down the entire industry. People can use banks, which have much more stringent security procedures.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, jabbing a baby's bottle at officials gets parents waved straight through immigration.

2020-10-18 20:30

The Great Divide

Due to a mix-up at the border, a number of immigrants have been sent backward, downward, upward and sideways to various detention centres across Random Chaos. In the midst of the confusion, several thousand children have been separated from their parents.

  1. “Look, these migrants have clearly violated the law! Clearly!” says your Head of Immigration Paris Griffin, as she closely inspects the stamps on your passport. “Not only did they cross the border illegally, but then they have the gall to ask for citizenship. Sure, the children may not enjoy being separated from their parents, but that’s what they get for breaking the law! If it was national policy for illegal immigrants to be treated as the criminals they are, to have their kids taken away, far fewer of them would come to our country. Guaranteed.” She runs out of your office to pursue a worker with a Marche Noirian accent.
  2. “Seriously?” gasps Yasmin Murphy, who just got out of her latest therapy session with her eight-year-old child. “Look at my little Charles. He was separated from me at the Random Chaosian border, taken away the moment I asked for asylum. He spent so many months in that state facility that he can hardly talk in Bigtopian, and he keeps trying to arrest the other young children in the playground! You must end this cruel immigration policy immediately. Your country needs more migrant workers, Leader, and my boy needs his mother. A child should never be separated from their parent!”
  3. “The whole immigration system is a joke!” says the proudly neutral lobbyist Neutron Neutralson, who changed his name from Cleveland-Severus Pond to prove a point. “Separating children from parents? Putting immigrants in jail? Deporting migrants back to the wrong country? Here’s what we do: hire more staff and do more checks for undocumented migrants at the border. Just ask questions every Random Chaosian can answer and get proof of residency. If they are here illegally, send them straight back as a family. It’s not hard to balance compassion with efficacy, for crying out loud!” He sighs exasperatedly as your Head of Human Services sits in the corner, literally crying out loud.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, God took rock and roll from you, took rock and roll from everyone.

2020-10-18 14:30

Stage Directions

Angry moralists, and some confused tourists who seemed to think they were waiting for tickets, picketed outside irreverent rock opera Jimmy Bouncer: The Musical. They claim it contained blasphemy, misogyny, racial intolerance, adult situations, and an inappropriate alternate rhyme scheme.

  1. “I wish... I wish that theatre would be purer. I wish the actors were demurer,” rants protestor and member of evangelical pressure group Many Moral Mummies, Patty Vonnegut. “I wish wolves had no hidden meaning, that faith suffered no demeaning, that writers weren’t so left-leaning... I wish so many things. Into the future, we should look at introducing censorship. Into the future, we need penalties for those who would pervert it. Into the future, let’s guarantee nice plays that little kids could see. The future’s here; it only needs for you and me to grasp it.”
  2. “Hello, my name is Eldon Pryce, and I would like to share with you the most amazing dream,” chimes a perky actor, as he places his headshot on your desk. “A dream of paradise, a great street paved with gold, lined with theatres and dreamers and the tales that are told. We can defend free expression rights; a night nestled in a theatre seat could change a life! So come with us, support our happy troupe, and let the theatre district grow.”
  3. “Friend, you’re closing your eyes to the real situation you don’t want to acknowledge,” observes curmudgeonly theatre critic Nosipho Cruise, who has written acerbic reviews panning the previous two speakers. “Maybe you’re not aware of the calibre of disaster indicated by the presence of rock’n’roll here in your community. That’s Rock with a capital ‘R’, and Roll with the same ‘R’. To keep the young ones moral, you’ve got to wind it back to something more wholesome. Church choirs, songs of praise and partsong. Rock’n’roll can roll on by.”
  4. “Slowly, sadly, theatre lost its splendour,” intones a cloaked figure from the shadows. “Grasp it, change it, scrap the worst offender. Turn your face away from this modern dross today. The music’s over-written and it’s trite. Revive some grand old theatre shows tonight.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is believed that belligerence is a passing phase foreign leaders will soon outgrow.

2020-10-18 08:30

A Little Birdie Told Me

The Supreme Leader of Blackacre, Valeria Drake, threatened to “make it rain fire and fury all over Random Chaos” via her Twitcher account. A horde of security experts have surrounded you to discuss the precautions that must be taken.

  1. “We cannot underestimate the danger!” asserts your Minister of Defense, carefully putting her Castles & Cockatrices figurines on your desk with a rather creepy smile. “A threat is a threat, be it declared via a twitch or at a fancy press conference with all the bells and whistles. We must respond accordingly, by preemptively positioning battleships within bombardment range of their major cities. If they don’t back down, we’ll wipe them off the map! That’ll teach them what a rain of fire looks like.” She chuckles as she knocks over a miniature effigy of Supreme Leader Drake with a wyvern.
  2. “Aren’t we taking this woman’s Twitcher rants a bit too seriously?” questions your Ambassador to Blackacre, without showing any effort to disguise her boredom. “I mean, this gal basically twitches all the time about xenophobic conspiracy theories or rants about dissidents. You should not reinforce this nonsense by giving her the attention she craves. Ignore her, and hopefully she’ll learn to govern her country like an adult.”
  3. “If you let her get away with this insult, our people will start to question your competence as a leader!” clamours Beverly Holst, your Public Relations Adviser, as she scrolls down on her phone to read Drake’s vitriolic twitches. “What we should do is to set up an official Twitcher account for you. This way you can counter Drake’s attacks with her own weapon. An eye for an eye. You can also use this account to polish up your public image, of course. Your ministers could get in on this too.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Corrupt Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corporate executives continue to enjoy generous tax benefits while the public is taxed to the hilt.

2020-10-18 02:30

Outdated Tax Code Crushing Random Chaos?

Over the years, the government’s tax code has become a headache-inducing tangle. Recently a prominent tax official was crushed to death under the weight of a complete copy of the tax code falling on his head. With taxes more complex than ever, an unlikely alliance of taxpayers, businesses, and government officials are demanding something be done to fix the situation.

  1. “We’ve got to put a stop to this before more lives are lost, like mine!” says Peter Cho, the new head of the Random Chaosian Revenue Agency, indicating the search and rescue crew armed with paper shredders. “We need to abandon the current tax code and start anew. It’s drastic, I know, and will mean chaos in the bureaucracy, while spending may briefly need to be curtailed as revenues dip, but there’s no other way to fix this shambles!”
  2. “It’s true that something has got to be done about the tax code, but it doesn’t need to be anything so drastic,” proclaims Virginia Jefferson, spokesperson of the Alliance of Random Chaosian Businesses and Industry. “The real problem lies with the tangled mess that is the corporate tax regime. Allow us to write a competitive tax system for Random Chaosian industry, and you’ll stem the job losses from businesses flocking offshore to escape this bureaucratic nightmare.”
  3. “If anything is bloated about the taxes, it’s that corporate welfare!” rages Chun-Li Pushkin, a concerned and rather irate citizen. “If you ask me, the government needs to eliminate all those generous tax breaks for businesses! Then we can cut some of those ridiculous taxes that hit the average guy, for once benefiting the people, not industry bigwigs!”
  4. “Our tax code is complicated?” queries your personal tax accountant Nomathemba Wilson, popping in from her office just next door. “If you’re struggling to fill in your FX505s, and can’t tell your NOQ112b from your NOQ112c, then that’s what we’re here for! In fact, if your government could just give a generous tax break to those of my profession - and made that cumulative with our unremitted personal G6 allowance, of course - then we’d be able to offer our services to even more people!”
  5. “Er, hi there, sir,” pipes up May Dumas, clad in a high-vis jacket and clutching a clipboard. “None of these fine people have got to the root of your problem. If civil servants were just to wear hard hats while working, then falling paperwork wouldn’t be an issue. And perhaps a course on manual handling wouldn’t go amiss too?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 50% of adverts on children's television are for clothes made of cotton wool.

2020-10-17 21:00

Hey Kid, Have a Cigar

One of Random Chaos’s leading tobacco companies, Maxboro, has produced an advertisement depicting children frolicking in a playground while smoking cigars and cigarettes. Predictably, a truckload of angry letters has been dropped on your desk, from angry parents and moralising busy-bodies.

  1. “This is truly odious!” screeches Jessica Martinez, your Secretary of Political Correctness, as she tries to cover her child’s eyes and ears. “Tobacco companies cannot be allowed to market their death-sticks to our children! Our poor vulnerable youngsters could get hooked, and become chain-smokers before they finish primary school! Advertising dangerous products to children must be banned!”
  2. “Oh, Boo-hoo!” mocks M.B. Winston, CEO of Maxboro, while smoking a SpongeBarry SquareShirt themed cigarette. “Those ads are cute and funny! Kids should be allowed to make up their own minds about our exquisitely smooth leaf blends and candy-flavoured filters! Market restrictions are un-Random Chaosian. We should be able to sell our product to anyone who can afford to buy it, no matter how old they are!”
  3. “I have a reasonable third option!” interrupts passing minister Bianca Smiley, right around the time someone normally interjects with a crazy third option. “Let tobacco companies operate freely, but have them do social good equal to the social harm, according to a fair assessment of externalities. Like, if they advertise to children, then they have to build a kids clinic or a litter picking program, that sort of thing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tampons are used as cheap fishing bobbers.

2020-10-17 14:30

Period Drama

Tonight’s big family dinner seemed like such a nice idea. Alas, it’s all descended into awkward silences and short tempers again. This is mostly thanks to your sister’s complaints about the high price of feminine sanitary products, which she largely attributes to the so-called “tampon tax”: a sales tariff on these items.

  1. “It’s a bloody outrage! The patriarchy seems to believe that tampons and pads aren’t essentials,” rails your sister Jill, waving a grocery receipt under your nose. “You have to stop taxing feminine products! If the income stream is so important to you, stick it on income tax instead! Women everywhere are demanding change. Can’t you go with the flow?”
  2. “Don’t make a scene, dear,” soothes your mother, patting her on the shoulder. “If the prices are bleeding you dry or cramping your style, I’m sure your dear sibling will have the state buy them for you, and for all Random Chaos’s ladies. That’s what government is for, isn’t it darling?”
  3. “Ugh, I can’t believe that your sister would even talk about such things at the dinner table,” moans Uncle Archibald, handing out copies of his self-published pamphlet, Women: For Pity’s Sake, Don’t Talk. “It completely put me off my borscht. If it were up to me, I’d make it a crime to publicly discuss women’s monthly troubles. Some things are best kept private, period!”
  4. “Let’s try and be balanced here,” whispers your Treasury Minister Neil Park, wishing he’d never accepted the invitation to your family home. “Sales tax is vital to help keep the burden of income tax down, but it’s a good thing to be equitable. Why not add sales tax to men’s daily goods like razors and shaving cream? That way, everybody pays their fair share.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, you can't put down the nation's attitude to pet health.

2020-10-17 08:30

Pet Theory

A video recently made the rounds on crowdfunding websites, showing a disease-ridden elderly gambler, clearly in great distress. This was accompanied by a commentary from the owner, pleading for donations to help pay for the medical treatment that he couldn’t afford.

  1. “Animals can suffer just as much as humans can,” explains Dennis Woolf, the pet owner in question, hoping that it was clear this was an observation rather than a suggestion. “Happily, crowdfunding paid for poor Lucky’s treatment, even though he didn’t make it. For the future though, I think there should be a National Veterinary Service to provide health care for all domesticated animals.”
  2. “Oh come on, they’re just things! They don’t have feelings!” laughs teenager Kanya Egan whilst pulling the wings off a fly. “Their health is their owner’s cost to cover. If this idiot couldn’t afford to look after his gambler, he should have let it die, or just disposed of it.”
  3. “We can be balanced about this, and provide something for animals while boosting the economy,” offers Nikita Looney, CEO of fast food chain BurgerThis. “My company will offer free euthanasia to any sick animals brought to our slaughterhouses, so long as we can keep the remains. You just need to loosen a few bureaucratic regulations, and the problem will be gone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, internet moderator is one of the most popular jobs among the nation's more socially awkward citizens.

2020-10-17 02:30

They See Me Trollin’, They Threatenin’

As more and more citizens connect to each other through social media, there has been a spike in online death threats, particularly ones aimed at government officials.

  1. “A threat posted on Twitcher or MyFace isn’t any less credible than one made over the phone or in person,” suggests Tarquin Thompson, your personal bodyguard and former police officer, as he adjusts his sunglasses. “There are many organized groups on there who are dedicated to spreading hate and violence, including some who advocate a violent overthrow of the government! We need to increase surveillance on these sites and arrest anyone who threatens the life of another. Privacy be damned!”
  2. “I agree that these threats should be taken more seriously, but becoming a surveillance state isn’t the way to do it,” replies Barack Cheyney, acne-prone teenager, and veteran of three internet flame wars. “The problem is the social media companies’ utter lack of effective moderation. You should see some of the comments the trolls get away with! Force the companies to create effective policies to deal with this sort of thing and notify the authorities if anything gets too serious.”
  3. “What about my free speech?” demands notorious far-right troll 2Many_Big_Nosed_Bigtopians. “People should be allowed to say whatever they want, especially on the internet! It’s not my fault that these overly-sensitive snowflakes can’t handle some choice criticisms or if some of my followers send death threats. You know what I do when someone threatens me online? I laugh it off and threaten them right back! We don’t need a government nanny state jumping on the political correctness bandwagon.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's first space rocket -- sponsored by Eckie-Ecola and shaped like an enormous soda bottle -- is being developed.

2020-10-16 20:30

Random Chaos Looks to the Stars

The recent popularity of a science-fiction TV show has prompted calls for Random Chaos to develop its own space program.

  1. “Don’t tell me space colonies wouldn’t be cool,” says excited fifth-grade teacher Declan Silk, still wearing big Spock ears from his last convention. “Think of how they would galvanize the national population! And there would also be some kind of scientific benefit, probably.”
  2. “The project certainly is feasible, but very expensive,” says Random Chaosian Space Agency Head Kanya Bennett. “We could make it less of a burden on the taxpayers if we sought funding from private industry — advertisements on the side of our rockets, selling contracts to the Arms Manufacturing industry, that kind of thing.”
  3. “If God had meant Man to fly, he would have given us solid rocket boosters instead of legs,” says religious type Nick Grossweiner. “We should not be looking to the stars, but rather inside our own hearts. That’s why we should abandon this so-called space program, and instead make the teaching of religion mandatory in all schools.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader is refusing to make decisions until the Moon is out of Capricorn.

2020-10-16 14:30

Prophet Margins

A recent national survey found that 40% of Random Chaosians regularly consult fortune tellers.

  1. “These ‘fortune tellers’ are nothing more than scam artists!” cries Max Wang from his soapbox. “This is clear-cut fraud and should be punished as such. They can’t see into the future! No one can! We need to arrest these crystal-ball reading hacks for the good of Random Chaos!”
  2. “Banning these fortune tellers only treats the symptom, not the disease, ” states your Minister of Education, Efthamia Curtis. “If our people are dumb enough to believe this hokum, then we’ve got a serious education problem. Clearly we need to increase our school budget and start an outreach program to stamp this problem out at the source. It’ll require more taxes, but the people need our help.”
  3. “I foresee a great eeeeeeeee-vil if you listen to these advisors,” moans Mystic Meg, a prominent fortune teller clad in bangles. “You are in great danger, Leader. GRAVE DANGER! You must ignore these naysayers, for they will certainly lead to your downfall! Obviously the government needs its own oracles to foresee catastrophe and guide us through troubled times.”
  4. “Consider the opportunity this presents, Leader,” says your chief counselor as he steps from behind the arras. “Almost half of the population believes this hoopla. We must encourage this new faith as much as possible. With a handpicked staff of prophets to forecast what we want and spies monitoring every freethinking opposition group, society will be yours for the taking.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, explosive diarrhoea is not just a colorful phrase.

2020-10-16 08:30

Better In Than Out

Your Justice Minister has raised a stink about public flatulence, and is proposing a new law to ban it.

  1. “We need to promote public decency!” demands Vandal Pond, your Justice Minister. “Any person who vitiates the atmosphere in any place, to make it obnoxious to the public or to harm the well-being of people in surrounding areas, shall be guilty of a misdemeanour offence and shall be sentenced to a term of community service. If you need to pass wind, just go to a toilet.”
  2. “This is insane,” states Billy-Bob Wessex, your Solicitor General, discreetly shifting in his chair. “How any reasonable or sensible person could think that criminalizing flatulence in public would be a good idea is beyond me. We are a civilized nation. Just make sure that every one is taught to do it as discreetly as possible when they need to. Simply raise your right buttock ever so slightly and let it out gently, ideally without bringing any attention to yourself.”
  3. Grace Dixon, who was recently banned from the Random Chaos City subway for farting too much, has her say and smell. “Hey! Leader, pull my finger!” Even though you don’t comply, she still lets forth a thunderous, horrible noise that fills the room with a titanic stench. “Oh my god, did I just squash a frog? That one wasn’t too bad; it’s the silent but deadly ones that get you! Everyone knows that letting them rip is good for your health — better out than in, right? We should let everyone know it’s okay to sound off, maybe even subsidize some kind of ‘Wind Festival’. Smells like a good time to me!”
  4. “Wait, did someone say gas?” asks your Energy Minister, Llywelyn Leach, while holding his nose. “We should distribute methane capture devices and make it compulsory for every citizen to... uh... plug one in. We could then capture this natural resource, and reduce our dependence on fossil fuels!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government's new 'Crime Can Fight Itself' policy appears to be backfiring rather badly.

2020-10-16 03:00

Immigrants Import Homeland Rivalries

After a series of bloody wars between the nations of Maxtopia and North Bigtopia, fights have broken out in the streets between immigrants in Random Chaos who came from the warring nations.

  1. “Foreigners are a major cause of civil disturbances,” begins Steffan Hyde, whose opinions form the book ‘101 Arguments FOR Slavery’. “What we should do is make all immigrants, foreigners, and non-native Random Chaos folks slaves! I mean, who in Random Chaos wouldn’t like a minority slave group to do his bidding? Imagine! People could be bought and sold over the Internet!”
  2. “I am shocked and appalled at what my colleague is suggesting!” exclaims Asok Poindexter, President of the Civil Rights Union of Random Chaos. “Slavery? We should punish these offenders, yes, but send them to rehabilitation centres instead! As for the ethnic squabbles, programs in school should begin to stop these racist attitudes in childhood! All it will take is some slight fortification to the education budget!”
  3. A quiet old man stands up to speak. “Now, I may be a quiet old man, but I believe that these ethnic disputes are none of the government’s business. It’s not our war anyway, so it’s not our problem. I’m sure if you leave it alone, it’ll work itself out. Just think of the money that would be saved if the police didn’t have to be paid to deal with this!”
  4. “It’s not our war? It’s not our war?” cries (in)famous Random Chaos-born fascist Fanny Wessex. “Well maybe it’s time it became our war! Random Chaos should take a more active, and by ‘active’ I mean ‘hostile’, role in international politics! This ethnic squabbling will be over when the war is over, and WE can end that war and purge the impure! Roll the dice!! Sieg Random Chaos!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children are expected to carve their own toys.

2020-10-15 20:30

A-B-C, Easy as Don’t Use Me

An enterprising Random Chaosian citizen has begun manufacturing matryoshka dolls of legendary pop star Jack Michaelson without his permission. In response, his management company has been spectacularly persistent in demanding royalties from the dolls’ sales. Contract lawyers, dressed as zombies and petitioning with uncanny rhythm, are camped around the clock outside of the capitol. Tired of the incessant pop music, you have sat down to negotiate a solution.

  1. “I’m thrilled to finally settle this problem,” says Jack Michaelson while moonwalking back and forth in your office, “You see, the matryoshka manufacturers are exploiting my likeness without my permission. That’s theft unless I get a cut. Anyone who disagrees can just beat it.” The pop star exits with his pet monkey in tow.
  2. Entrepreneur Ranil Morricone lays a bizarre assortment of white glove-themed matryoshka dolls on your desk. “These are original works of art that the record label did nothing to create. Just because my work may RESEMBLE famous people like, say Mr. Michaelson or yourself, doesn’t mean I’ve stolen anything. It’s not so black and white, the question of image laws.”
  3. “You’re forgetting the bigger problem,” pontificates Whoopi Taffs, while carving a matryoshka doll in the old style, “These pop art abominations are ruining our Random Chaosian culture. I’m sick and tired of foreign pop music and other trash drowning out our national customs. Tradition dictates that a matryoshka doll is a series of nested babushki, not postmodern kitsch like political figures and disco stars.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pootling steam trains carry delighted tourists and frustrated businessmen from city to city at a snail's pace.

2020-10-15 14:30

Bullet Time

Regular traffic congestion within Random Chaos’s interstate highways has resulted in a flurry of petitions being sent to you demanding the development of a Maglev bullet train connecting the nation’s major cities. Apparently there was going to be a demonstration outside your front door as well, but the protesters got stuck in traffic.

  1. Moments before you are about to go home after a long day at work, an intruder intercepts you at your front door. His face is a deeper shade of red than the sunset outside your window. He yells at you: “Eight hours! Do you have any idea how it feels to sit in traffic for eight hours? Be quiet! How can I do good work when the commute takes the whole day? Listen, most other developed nations already have high-speed, high-efficiency railway systems, and not having one is not doing us any favors, economically or for our mental health. We Need Bullet Trains! Give us Bullet Trains!”
  2. “That angry fellow is correct, you know...” says Finlay Looney, an agreeable businesswoman who gently guides the furious commuter to the back door, “but who is to say the burden of the cost should be on the government’s back? Me and my colleagues in Budget Rail Incorporated can get Random Chaos high speed connections with no cost to your taxpayers. We’ve got suppliers of nearly-new metal, fairly decent quality second-hand trains, engines that almost passed emission standards. We’ve even identified which arable land owners you’ll need to force to sell to us to make this service fast and profitable. Just sign, quickly, here, here, here, and umm... initials here...”
  3. “You can’t do it!” groans Themba Shaw, ecologically minded pop-musician with the recent #1 hit I Hugged A Tree and I Liked It. “Mother Nature gives us love, and look at how we treat Her. We’re binding her flesh with steel rails. I mean, forests, the trees, all that... they give us oxygen and stuff. Dodge the bullet, save the world!”
  4. “Slow down, now. Slow down, all...” says Barry Beckham, a villager visiting the big city for the first time. “More railways is a fine thing for all, but why have fancy high speed trains that zoom past all the interesting places on the way? I think you should be building a LOW speed rail, that stops at all the picturesque hamlets and towns, and brings visitors to them. Stop by Little Droppings - that’s my own town, by the way - and I’ll brew you a nice cup of tea.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parking's carefree without parking car fees.

2020-10-15 08:30

Parking Hell

The new director of the Random Chaos City Department of Transportation has suggested that imposing dynamic parking prices might help ease the city centre’s nightmarish congestion. Because the national government owns large parts of the capital, the plan cannot proceed without your approval.

  1. Director Basil Hansen, who was formerly a professor of urban planning, pushes up his glasses. “Dynamic parking prices will mean that not only will drivers have to pay for parking, but that the prices will change throughout the day based on the location’s demand. For example, drivers will pay more to park during busy periods. This will encourage motorists to park in quieter areas and not hog the same spot for hours on end. Take notes, there will be a quiz next week— er, sorry, force of habit there.”
  2. “This isn’t a game of Maxopoly where the ‘free parking’ space gives a windfall of revenue!” complains the Minister of Labor, who’s just come from a marathon six-hour session of said game. “This plan will punish the working poor who can ill afford parking fees. If the city wants to deal with congestion, then it should start building more underground tunnels and parking garages with your help. Free parking is the right of every citizen, and you can’t start charging me — I mean, the miserably poor — for parking.”
  3. “This plan is too complicated,” says the laconic Minister of Gordian Knots, who arrived in an ox cart and is now snipping at the air with a pair of scissors. “But doing nothing is not an option. Let us ban cars from the city instead. Stops congestion. Keeps things simple.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Mining Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military is recruiting war criminals to join its weapons research teams.

2020-10-15 02:30

Bigtopian Bigwigs Beset Border

Following a bitter civil-conflict in Bigtopia that led to the overthrow of a dictatorial regime, leading officials from the deposed government are seeking refuge in Random Chaos. The new Bigtopian government is accusing these people of war crimes, and has demanded their extradition.

  1. Your Minister for Foreign Affairs, Efthamia Neumann, echoes the pleas of the international community, “These individuals are responsible for decades of oppression, the genocide of millions of Bigtopians, and horrific war crimes - their leader isn’t called ‘The Butcher of Bigtopia’ for his carving skills! We can’t just step aside and neglect our duties to their victims. These men must face justice in Bigtopia, whatever their fate.”
  2. “I vehemently disagree,” says defence lawyer Quincy Torres, running a comb through his hair and handing you his business card. “Now is not the time for hasty action. Bigtopia is not a stable state yet - send these people back and you’re throwing them to the mob. They’ve committed no crime in Random Chaos, and they’ve come here for our help. Show some decency, and let them stay!”
  3. “I have an idea,” interjects Wernher von Grun from the Department of Defence. “Amongst these refugees are several top Bigtopian scientists. They may have carried out some terrible experiments with WMDs, but can we really afford to lose their expertise? Make them join our team at the Hexagon, and we’ll develop weapons the envy of The Hatrackia. After all, once the missiles go up, who cares where they came from?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation sends criminals home to think about what they did.

2020-10-14 20:30

Child’s Play

When bored Brancalandian schoolchild Hillary van Dyke was playing on her computer, she accidentally found her way into the Random Chaos Armed Forces Internal Database. While playing, she promoted a janitor to Admiral of the Fleet, sent the warmongering General Mark Columbus to bombard the Skandilundian border with two dozen tanks and changed the military’s motto to ‘Hillary Rulez 4eva’.

  1. “This little brat has cost us hundreds of manhours of work fixing all her mischief,” roars the hastily recalled General Columbus as the Navy’s newest Admiral quietly mops the floor beside him. “We need to demand that wretched little monster be extradited here — to the country harmed by her shenanigans — to face punishment. A suitably punitive sentence should set the little villain straight!”
  2. “We are heartily sorry that one of our citizens changed the Army’s uniform to tutus, wellington boots and visibility jackets,” says Brancalandian Home Secretary Shelia Kennedy. “We understand the girl committed a crime and we’re willing to see that she gets an appropriate punishment, but extradition isn’t needed. Our Brancalandian Young Offenders’ Rehabilitative Centres will see to it that she learns the error of her ways. Also she’ll be taught the three ‘M’s: Mindfulness, Meditation, and Maplewood carving.”
  3. “How can you be so heartless? She’s just a little girl!” cries the child’s mother Ms. van Dyke, over videolink, wringing out a dripping handkerchief. “She thought she was playing a war simulator, and didn’t realise that she was actually inside the government mainframe. Leave children to be disciplined by their parents. I’ll give her a good talking-to.”
  4. “Punish her? We should thank her!” declares Captain Aria Rhodes, of the Cyber Crimes Division. “She managed to get past an encrypted system without even trying. If she can, Blackacre can. We should pay her to test our systems, and see how many flaws she can uncover.”
  5. “Maybe we’re taking home the wrong lesson here,” timorously offers Admiral Ed Yeats, putting his mop down to address all assembled. “I don’t think I’d make a bad admiral, actually. Maybe senior military and government positions ought to be selected randomly as a matter of course. Sortition has a lot of advantages, you know — you’ll finally get to hear the voice of the working classes!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids are exceptionally good at digging holes.

2020-10-14 14:30

Real Handwriting Has Curves

“Concerned for Cursive”, a mothers’ advocacy group, have staged a mock funeral for handwriting - a practice which, they claim, nears extinction.

  1. “We are gathered here today to pay our respects to the memory of our nearly departed: cursive handwriting!” says head of the CFC Georgina Wayne. “The government must act now. Require handwriting for all school assignments or watch our sweet and beloved cursive fall by the wayside like, err, stamp-collecting... and erm, the neighborhood milkman.”
  2. “I OBJECT!” shouts Tyrion de Castro, nosy parker. “We do that at funerals, right? ‘Object’? But I object to this nonsense. It doesn’t matter how kids are writing, but what kids are writing. We should be giving them free laptops to keep up with the times and stay competitive rather than keeping them in the dark ages!”
  3. “Nev’r understood what all them fuss was about ‘andwriting,” mumbles Deegan Holhs, an illiterate gravedigger. “Them schools should be teach’n kids the very basics. I nev’r needed to write nuff’n, so why should they? Quit that academic blither-blather and set our youngins up with them thar marketable skills.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, criminals always seem to be forewarned of police raids.

2020-10-14 08:30

Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes?

A high profile case where a police officer used lethal force against a criminal suspect that he claimed “posed immediate danger” has the populace divided. Some claim he was defending himself in the line of duty, others that he was abusing his power. Lack of witness testimonies or evidence is making investigation difficult, and many are suggesting that the government should outfit all of its police force with camera equipment to record events as they transpire.

  1. “Cameras. Cameras would be good,” intones Patrol Officer and jungle war veteran Paris Claus, twitching nervously and scanning the skyline for rooftop snipers. She takes a moment to look a thousand yards into the distance. “People don’t know what we’ve seen. They don’t know what it’s like to wear this uniform, to be a target, to know that each patrol might be the last. I know war, and it’s war out there on the streets. If people could see what we have to deal with each day... they’d understand. Give me a camera, and I’ll show them what it’s like out there.”
  2. “Look, I’m not saying I don’t trust our fine police officers,” whispers transparency advocate Woody Juvenal, carefully moving any weapons and sharp objects away from the tremulous police officer, “but cameras are needed not just to support police testimony but also to protect the public from police excesses. The only way they can serve that dual purpose is if the police don’t control the cameras. Have 24/7 cameras on every police vehicle, surveillance drones following cops on patrol, all the footage streamed live on the internet, and stored on an open-access cloud. That way, we can keep an eye on those jackbooted th... uh... on our valued law enforcement officials.”
  3. “Bwaahh?!?” exclaims moustache-twirling driving-goggle-wearing charlatan Ludwig Rabin, who was definitely not trying to tie your secretary to his toy train tracks. “Police with cameras? This is a breach of my civil liberties! What about privacy? Do we not have the inherent right to go about our daily, lawfully abiding lives without fearing these paparazzi pigs parading our precious picturesque moments to the putrid public as perfidious publications? Say no to copper cameras! Keep your eyes off my private business!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Avoided and Highest Wealthy Incomes and the Top 10% for Greatest Rich-Poor Divides and Most Advanced Public Transport.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chain casinos dominate the national gambling market.

2020-10-14 02:30

Lotto Fever

Your ever-enterprising brother was recently arrested for running a surprisingly large numbers racket; the earnings allowed him to purchase several foreign luxury cars. Your advisers, surprised by gambling’s potential profitability, have begun debating the possibility of a National Lottery to raise government funds. The idea has drawn fire from social groups, who have come to warn you of the evils of gambling.

  1. “A National Lottery would be a great idea,” says your money-obsessed Minister of Finance, Taylor Bannon. “This is just what the economy needs. Everybody is attracted to the idea of becoming a millionaire overnight. And best of all, this is as close as you can get to taxing the poor without actually calling it that! That surplus could even subsidize our struggling strategic basket weaving sector. A government-owned lottery would permit small games of chance while keeping out the sleazy, parasitic casinos.”
  2. “A gambling ban is essential to the moral fibre of the nation,” counters social worker, Apu Goff, wearing a t-shirt with the slogan ‘Don’t be a Fool; Gambling’s not Cool’. “Gambling addiction causes countless broken homes abroad, and having a national lottery would only introduce the problem into Random Chaos. For the sake of Random Chaosian families, we MUST stand firm against the sin of gambling!”
  3. A man sporting a ten-gallon cowboy hat rolls in an impressive scale model of a casino city, complete with a flashing neon light display. “Well howdy, folks! I couldn’t help but overhear that your gambling industry is in the toilet. Why not hand over the new lottery to the private sector? I have a plan to use that lottery money to create massive casino cities. I’ve built casinos in Maxtopia, Bigtopia, and North Lilliputia and by gum, it put them on the map! Just think of all the tourists who will flock to Random Chaos: The Gambling Center of The Hatrackia!”
  4. “And why are we letting some guy with a ridiculous hat profit from this new industry?” exclaims your brother, who was not invited to this meeting. “We’d be much better off with a government monopoly of all gambling institutions, so the profits don’t all end up in that foreigner’s bank account. But instead of wasting that sweet, sweet lolly on a basketcase subsidization plan, imagine the fun WE could have. You know, for a world leader, your digs are kinda shabby. What’s say we use that gambling money for your own personal pleasure palace? It would be all for you. And family of course.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, billions are being spent on a new island airport.

2020-10-13 20:30

Stakes on a Plane

With global travel soaring, the country’s primary airport, Random Chaos City International, has reached full capacity. Interested parties are queuing up to share their thoughts on what should be done.

  1. “We won’t be ‘International’ for long without a capacity increase,” laments Transport Minister Vanna Patel while wringing her hands. “If we want to remain a global hub, we need another runway and we need it now. We’ll have to bulldoze a few houses to clear room, but just think of the chips we’ll make from all those passengers.”
  2. “Our quality of life is what matters,” bellows nearby resident Barack Walker over the noise of a landing jet. “Why do we even want to be a hub, with all that noise and pollution? What we need is even stricter limits on planes flying over residential areas. And if that means a few planes have to land elsewhere, then much the better.”
  3. “There’s no need to destroy people’s lives just for a new runway,” parries Felicity Cumberbatch, Under-Secretary of State for Creative Solutions, “but nor do we need to turn planes away. Why not build an entirely new airport, in the Orilenyo Flow estuary? The planes can fly over the sea, and a bullet train can take passengers to the city centre. Everyone wins - well except for the local wildlife, but what’s a gambler to you or me?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, they say that Random Chaosians made a dessert and called it peace.

2020-10-13 14:30

The Cake Is a Lie

In recent weeks, a neighbouring nation in The Hatrackia released a controversial and gory movie about Random Chaos, entitled The Baker Of Random Chaos. The movie, which follows the horrifying journey of a hapless ex-baker into the criminal underworld of Random Chaos City, seems to imply that Random Chaos is a dystopian hellhole filled with violent crime. Unsurprisingly your citizenry is offended.

  1. “This movie makes us look like lawless bloodthirsty savages... and they claimed we eat Random Chaos City Cakes all year round, when everybody knows that we like Random Chaos City Scones these days!” complains scowling patriot Marshall Kim J. Unn, dousing a stack of movie promotional posters in kerosene, tossing the offending nation’s flag onto the pile, and lighting a match. “Not only should we ban this evil slanderous movie, we should also demand an apology! Deploy tanks along their border, and warn them to withdraw the film, or face the consequences.”
  2. “Woah, like chill out dude, get a sense of humour,” says satirist Sacha Sagdiyev, lighting a spliff from the bonfire. “These people just don’t know what it is actually like to live here. So, why don’t we show them? Get some tourists in, get them high on magic mushroom muffins, flood them with love. Getting angry never solved anything, man.”
  3. “Lies and videotape, eh?” muses Lenny Groovesteel, your Propaganda Minister, reading a psychology article on The Triumph Of The Will. “Two can play at that game. We should direct our own movie directors to churn out some counter-information, singing our nation’s praises and fabricating something nasty about theirs. Have you heard people talking about the disgusting Dog-Hair Muffins they bake? No? We will fix that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is making attempts at curtailing the flood of spam emails with little progress.

2020-10-13 08:30

Computer Users Fed Up With Heaps of Spam!

A survey citing a tremendous increase in unsolicited emails has added fire to the subject of what many view as a scourge of the Internet.

  1. “The spam problem is out of control,” states anti-spam advocate Jake Ryan. “I get at least fifty spam e-mails a day. That isn’t even counting the spam people are posting to my social media feeds. This junk is a waste of time in that I have to delete it and a waste of my money in that I have to buy anti-spam programs-which hardly work anyway. People get swindled by this stuff - it should be a crime, just like regular fraud.”
  2. “A ban on all spam is a restriction on our freedom of speech and on the freedom of the press!” screams Natalia Amin, president of Citizens for Internet Freedom. “What is the government to say what is and isn’t commercial spam? Could they haul charity representatives off to jail for seeking donations? Could they jail politicians for using e-mail to try and gain votes? Could they arrest me if I accidentally send my erotic novel-in-progress to the wrong address? Seriously, spamming is a subjective offense and as such should not be considered a crime.”
  3. “Both sides are wrong,” grumbles government paper-pusher Warwick Garak. “Spam is definitely a problem, yet so is the restriction on freedoms which some draconian anti-spam codes would impose. I propose a ban on overtly fraudulent spam, and a tax on more legitimate businesses that rely on spam as an advertising method, and a strict legal definition of spam that would ensure no innocent person was prosecuted or taxed.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Insurance Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, polychromatic seas of leaves blanket the ground while sewers and drain pipes are clogged by their detritus.

2020-10-13 02:30

Burning Over a New Leaf

Many Random Chaosians have long equated the autumn with colder temperatures, apple bobbing, pumpkin spice, and the aromatic tradition of burning fallen leaves to avoid doing yard work. Although the smoky scents of burning foliage are soothing to some, an uptick in the number of domestic fires caused by immolating leaf piles has lead to a growing call to ban the hallowed practice.

  1. “This year alone, Random Chaos has spent an exorbitant amount of chips on fire damage caused by burning leaves,” states Minister of Disasters, Bonnie Fyre. “We need to make it illegal for unlicensed persons to burn plant matter outside, to curtail these outrageous costs! I hate yard work as much as anyone, but I think we can all agree that having homes to live in is more important than a little added inconvenience.”
  2. “Not burning leaves during the fall is about the most un-Random Chaosian thing I can think of!” exclaims acclaimed singer-songwriter George Morris Jr. “When people think of autumn in Random Chaos, they think of romance under the moonlit skies, as all the leaves on the trees are falling with the smoky scent carried on the breezes that blow! Leader, I’m begging you — calling on your heartstrings that play soft and low — please don’t ban this fine Random Chaosian tradition.”
  3. A bell rings and a man peddles through your door on a three-wheeled trike. “Greetings Leader, my name is Si Call and I’m a biofuel man. I hear you’re in a tight spot with this leaf business. Now, I’m in the business of sustainability, a business that relies on biomass such as your leaves. You see, only the freshest of leaves will do — the old leaves have too much lignin which makes it hard to extract the sugars. The only thing preventing us from plucking the freshest leaves in Random Chaos is that we don’t own the land the leaves fall on. If you were to allow us to bypass those silly restrictions, why, we could just suck those leaves up the second they hit the ground! What do you say?”
  4. “Leader, you can’t possibly be thinking of getting rid of these leaves. Are you?” questions your Minister of New-Growth Forests, Connie Fuhr. “We cannot underestimate the ecological importance dead leaves play in replenishing the nutrients in our soil! Ban burning leaves, but fine anyone who even thinks about doing yard work to get rid of those leaves!”
  5. “Jeez, this all sounds like so much work,” groans the boyfriend of your fourth cousin, thrice-removed, Vinnie ‘Fun’ Guy, who gives his occupation as ‘waste management’. “These leaves causing problems? Why not just take out the source? Cut down a few trees, bada-bing bada-boom, no more leaves sticking their veins where they ain’t wanted, causing honest folks to start fires. I know a guy who owes me. We’ll take care of this problem for ya. Want us to make it look like an accident?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, reports of arson have doubled since the introduction of a privatised fire protection service.

2020-10-12 20:30

Where There’s Smoke

Random Chaos’s fire protection department has long been criticised for being slow, inefficient, and underfunded. A number of ideas have been proposed on how to deal with the problem.

  1. “See here, buddy,” says Georgina Berenstein, putting a friendly arm around your shoulder. “Your country needs fire protection, but you don’t want to pay for it yourself. What do you say me and some of the boys here open up a few fire stations of our own and let the custome- citizens pay US instead of YOU paying THEM. It’s not like we won’t put out the fires if they don’t have anything on them, we’ll just bill them and their children and their children’s children until we get all our money.”
  2. “Woah, woah, woah!” says liberal activist, Larry Guterres. “I don’t want my rescuers to be putting less effort into their jobs because I don’t have a credit card or live in a slum. Do you know when you’re at your worst, financially? WHEN YOUR HOUSE JUST BURNT DOWN. This is a victimisation of the poor! The government should be in charge of the emergency services and they should treat everyone equally. It’s only fair.”
  3. “Not only that, but we need to prevent fires from happening in the first place,” says Rosalia Navratilova, your Minister of Safety, carefully turning off the wall sockets in your office. “And if that means sending free smoke alarms, fire extinguishers, and informative pamphlets to every household in Random Chaos so be it! Damn the expenses, Leader, lives are at stake!”
  4. “I think that sounds kinda... socialist,” says Agnes Thompson with a disgusted grimace. “The government should keep out of this if you ask me. The only reason fires happen is because people are stupid and they know a fire engine will come racing down the street to save them. Take away that safety blanket and I think you’ll find they wise up quite quickly! We don’t need any tax-consuming fire service! If idiots and their families go up in flames they’ll have no one to blame but themselves.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government employees have reverted to carrier pigeon due to never-ending virus scans.

2020-10-12 14:30

Please Call 1-800-NTA-VRUS, Your Government May Be Compromised

One of your interns unintentionally infected government computer networks after he called a 1-800 number on a popup and gave the scammer remote access to the computer. While IT tries to sort out the damage, your team is divided as to what to do about the situation.

  1. “It was a very convincing warning!” sobs the intern responsible who is feverishly resetting his passwords to Passw0rD1. “I thought our national security was at stake! Why didn’t our antivirus stop it? Why are we so vulnerable? Why am I the only one crying? We need to install better protection like the Fortons, Maxphos or McCafes. Better yet, all three!”
  2. “I’ve been lobbying your administration about this for years,” chastises Pear Inc CEO, Steve Tasks, dramatically sliding an ultra-thin tablet computer from a manila envelope onto your desk. “Your systems need a complete overhaul. Unlike those clunky UBM dinosaurs, Pear products never get a virus, with end-to-end protection provided by my company. Just gaze in awe at the Pearbook Vapor. See how sleek it is... And it’s so light and thin, you could take it anywhere. I hear Manamana’s beaches are wonderful this time of year.”
  3. “What codswallop!” exclaims your head of IT, Sabrina Whedon, yanking an unencrypted USB drive from your computer. “Why go wasting millions of chips on a band-aid fix? Shiny new computers don’t help if the problem is the idiot behind the keyboard. We need to lock down these machines. Every Sam, Dick and Martha intern should not have administrator rights on these machines. Lock them down.”
  4. “This scammer business has gone on long enough,” growls military intelligence officer Colonel Flagg while sizing up everyone in the room. “They hide outside our borders in East Lebatuck taunting us with this bull hockey. Enough is enough! Give us the authorization and we’ll smoke these bastards out at the source.”
  5. “Hello I am from UBM Technical support” chirrups a tinny voice as you answer your phone. “We have noticed that your system has multiple viruses on it and we are here to help. If you could just log in please and visit our website where you’ll be prompted to enter your bank account number, passwords, mother’s maiden name and pin numbers we will repair your systems for you.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, builders spend more time negotiating "tasteful architecture" than on actual construction.

2020-10-12 08:30

Blot Out Bauhaus?

Following his purchase of a large plot of land in the middle of Random Chaos City, Samuel Dada, the heir to a fortune made on the back of the Tourism industry, has begun his conversion of the property into a vast and unusual mansion. Busybodies are in an uproar at the design, however, which they claim is everything from “out of social context” and “bizarre” to “just plain ugly”.

  1. “This monstrosity must be torn down immediately!” claims local harridan and book-club member, Dana Bradbury. “The trees in the garden spell a frightening word from the balcony; and the tower looks like a - a - well, you know! Mr. Dada’s mansion may be his own, but the government must intervene in the name of taste and common decency. There should be a licensing organisation to approve all future renovations of buildings, lest we be plagued by these architectural abominations.”
  2. “Come on... it’s my house, fer chrissakes,” bemoans Mr. Dada, lounging on a sun-deck outside his home, elaborate cocktail and trophy-wife close by. “Surely I can do what I like to my own stuff? Like that time I painted my third car violet - that was cool, wasn’t it? Don’t you just hate it when someone bumbles over - I bet you know just what I mean - and starts tellin’ you what to do? Man, I hate that. So, look, right, let’s just go inside, have a drink, and forget this whole thing ever happened.”
  3. “Why is this even a national debate?” asks obviously strung-out and possibly hungover bureaucrat, Moff Harman, mumbling, “It’s just a waste of time... Look. Whatever you do, you’re going to be unpopular. Why don’t you just dodge the bullet? Let local authorities decide - and even decide if it’s their job to decide. That way you don’t annoy anyone, and, hey, I’m sure there’s some bunch of local government advocates who’ll love you for it. Now. Can I go home? Please?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, both vegetables and viruses are often smuggled across the border.

2020-10-12 02:30

Borderline Pandemic

A mysterious new illness has broken out in a bordering nation. Reports claim it is highly contagious and incredibly lethal. Unfortunately, there is no known cure or vaccine for the disease at the moment, and the head of Border Control is considering restricting the entry of that nation’s citizens into Random Chaos.

  1. “Papers, please!” shouts the beleaguered head of Border Control Ezic Arstotzka while examining a stack of entry documents. “That nation is guilty of very lax medical checks and borders that may as well be nonexistent. They might unknowingly send some people infected with this bizarre ailment to us. In order to reduce my worklo-, I mean, reduce the chance of transmission of this dangerous disease, we have no choice but to unconditionally reject all of their people. I’m sure that Random Chaosians have taken all the necessary precautions, so we won’t have any problems allowing our citizens back home. Next!”
  2. “How rude!” gasps Taylor Clinton, the rather pale ambassador of the afflicted nation. “Firstly, we shall not tolerate any negativity whatsoever toward our proud governmental institutions. Secondly, we most assuredly have everything under control, so there’s really nothing to worry about. Thirdly, rejecting every single one of our citizens just because a few thousand of us have a slightly worse cold is honestly quite ridiculous. Last but not least-” Her verbal tirade is suddenly cut short as she doubles over from a severe coughing fit that also coats the floor in what seems to be blood.
  3. “Let’s not be too hasty about this,” suggests Britney Jordan, the Minister of Health, as the ambassador is dragged out of the room. “Why don’t we screen every visitor with an immunoglobulin blood test, and only admit those who test as being clear of the disease? That way, we can prevent them from bringing their sickness into Random Chaos. Better to be safe than sorry.”
  4. “Our citizens are in danger!” screeches Genghis Ramirez, the absurdly paranoid Defence Secretary, speaking to you through a hazmat suit. “We must insist that all Random Chaosians return home at once! Those that don’t are probably already infected and should be left for dead. All of those strange foreign countries with their strange diseases are an existential threat, so we must therefore shut our borders down permanently to save ourselves. Do it now! Do it before it’s too late!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gambler populations thrive as dogs are slaughtered in the millions.

2020-10-11 20:30

Plague of the Hybrids!

Angry farmers have taken to the streets demanding the government to act after reported sightings of strange gambler-like dogs eating all the crops in fields.

  1. “This unholy union should never have taken place to begin with,” comments Rex Benteen, an angry farmer. “The gambler was never meant to mate with a dog! They eat my crops, they attack my livestock and they’re breeding so quickly they’re swamping the environment! We can’t make a living like this! You’ve got to give us the funds and manpower to shoot anything that comes within a mile of our property and put an end to these freaks of nature! We must wipe these creatures out now or before you know it all we’ll be eating is fish.”
  2. “We can’t just destroy these creatures!” exclaims Yasmin Gruber, owner of Random Chaos’s biggest safari park. “They may look ugly to you, but I think they’re just beautiful. We need to study them and understand them; think of what we could learn! These wonderful beasts may be a little harmful to the environment, but think of the people who will flock to see them! It would be an educational experience! Think of the money!”
  3. “We could always just kill off all the dogs,” Daenerys Nahasapeemapetilon of the “Keep The Species Pure” foundation whispers to you in a conversation. “The gambler is one of the many things our country is famous for; any perversion of its image reflects upon us all! We can’t have their image spoilt by these ugly abominations! Just get the police to go around and kill them all and we can rest easy knowing our countryside is safe!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chest pains are considered part of the dining experience in Random Chaosian restaurants.

2020-10-11 14:30

Shock Tactics

The Random Chaosian Resuscitation Council has noted that every year a vast number of preventable deaths occur because of lack of access to public AEDs (automated external defibrillators) and a dearth of competent first aiders able to use them.

  1. “Put an AED in every bus stop, every train station, every supermarket and next to every ATM. Make first aid training mandatory in the later school years, then make people refresh their skills every ten years,” directs Dr. Moana Archer of the Resuscitation Council, sipping his double-cream double-shot cappuccino. “Nations with poor access to AEDs have cardiac arrest survival rates of one in twenty. In nations with good access and training, three out of four patients will live. That’s got to be worth a little investment, right?”
  2. “That sounds overly complex and expensive, a bit like the good doctor’s premium beverage,” argues dietitian Victoria Gennaro. “Personally, I like my health policies like I like my coffee: cheap and fast. Or was that how I like my men? I forget... Anyway, public health promotion is a smarter option. Prevention is better than cure. Restrict salty and fatty foods, and encourage healthy eating. That’ll hit the spot really efficiently. Like a good coffee. Or a good man.”
  3. “Health spending is a black hole,” moans tired-looking health economist Billy Mendez, sipping at a plastic cup of nasty-smelling instant coffee. “If you help people live longer you just get older people with even more expensive and complicated medical problems. A good heart attack stops the oldies from being a burden on the economy. We ought to slash healthcare funding, and instead subsidise industries high in profit and saturated fat, then head out for an ice cream smoothie. Life’s too short! Or rather it isn’t, and that’s the problem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, even immigrants complain that immigrants keep taking their jobs.

2020-10-11 08:30

A Boatload of Trouble

The Coastguard reported that following stormy weather a trio of small ships capsized in the Gambler Strait. This resulted in the deaths of 78 illegal immigrants who were trying to enter Random Chaos under cover of darkness, including many children and two pregnant women.

  1. “It’s our moral responsibility to stop people drowning in our waters,” lectures Maritime Operations Officer Peter Sparkle, respectfully removing his cap. “You should deploy more coastguard vessels, linked to surveillance drones and a dedicated networked HQ. Give me an eye on every square metre of our seas, and no-one will drown again.”
  2. “Why don’t we just lay out a welcome mat while we’re at it?” complains Immigration Minister Virginia Broadside, closing the office door to keep a draught out. “The danger of the journey acts as a deterrent, and that keeps illegal immigration numbers down. If anything, we should be reducing the coastguard, and concentrating solely on protecting fishermen, beach-users and marina businesses. If the journey across the strait is even more dangerous, then even fewer illegals will attempt the journey.”
  3. “It’s because of our immigration laws that people are dying in the first place,” muses your Minister for Extracartonic Cognition. “Why don’t we provide a free ferry service to bring anyone who wants to come into the country? We’ll also need unrestricted immigration and generous compassionate welfare payments. I’m sure these unskilled immigrants will boost our economy. Eventually.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Corrupt Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the "war on terror" doesn't seem to be making Random Chaosians any less frightened.

2020-10-11 02:30

Ransoms Noted

Five Random Chaosian journalists were captured and taken hostage by violent extremist rebels in unstable southern Maxtopia, and the captors are demanding a million chips per hostage for their safe return.

  1. “These brave souls need to be brought home safely!” wails Bharatendu Wells, father to one of the journalists. “We can’t afford that sort of money, but you, the government can! Show some heart, Leader, and don’t stand in the way of my son’s freedom.”
  2. “If they’re looking for money, they should know that we don’t have it to give to them,” argues former intelligence operative Neil Liamson. “But what we do have is a particular set of skills acquired over many years in government... I’m talking about reactionary counter-terrorist legislation! Let’s make paying ransoms a felony, and use the hostage situation to justify an increase in domestic surveillance and security. As for this situation, send in the special forces. We don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
  3. Wild-haired scientist Jack Dimitrov barrels into your office, panting heavily. “Stop! We CAN have our cake and eat it too! We should make the drop, but insist on cash payment. Then, we contaminate the bank-notes with radioactive material, and watch as the hostage-takers, their associates and their families die from radiation poisoning. That basically solves the problem!”
  4. “You know, one of the hostages is the son of one of our closest media allies...” murmurs Monica Lawson, one of your policy advisors. “Can’t we publicly take a firm stance against terrorism, but privately strike a hush-hush deal with the terrorists? We can trade arms to them on the quiet, and they can make sure that they don’t hurt anyone important.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teachers regularly paddle unruly students.

2020-10-10 20:30

Put the “Board” Back in Board of Education

The Random Chaos Teachers’ Union, complaining of a steady increase in student disciplinary problems, wants to be able to use corporal punishment to correct misbehavior.

  1. “Clearly, parents aren’t teaching manners at home,” says Stan Redwood, the union president. “All we want is to be able to take a paddle to their backsides when there are problems. It’s not like we want to throw the kids in jail.”
  2. “Keep your hands off my kids!” shouts Ash Wu, while protesting outside of union headquarters. “If there’s a problem, it’s with the teachers not having the skills to do their jobs. They should be tested for qualifications!”
  3. “Corporal punishment would only treat a symptom of the bigger problem: our education system is in need of an overhaul,” says Faith Eko, Random Chaos’s education minister. “We need smaller class sizes, more teachers, better buildings, and better pay. It’ll cost, but it’ll pay off in the long run.”
  4. “Why don’t we just kick these unruly kids out, and force parents to home-school them?” asks Karl Love, education coordinator for the Random Chaos First Omnimenical Church. “That way parents can stress the values they want their kids to have and give them the attention they need.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, educators and parents alike are allowing children to view the internet again after violent videos were purged.

2020-10-10 14:30

10 Awful Crimes You Just Won’t Believe!

A disturbing new fad has arisen on social media and clickbait sites, featuring linking videos of people suffering violence at the hand of criminals. Muggings, murders, and gang violence are all trending like crazy, and the nation’s youthful populace seems to be addicted to online schadenfreude.

  1. “REPOST THIS TO SHOW YOU CARE!!!” posts popular blogger Engelbert Mumford, grinning inappropriately while watching a video of a rather savage beating. “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with showing the world as it is, especially if it increases the hits on my website. How am I supposed to persuade advertisers to sponsor me unless I have the freedom to publish the most shocking content?”
  2. “There’s a moral sickness to this nation!” proclaims frocked pastor Dirk Tate, seen smiling as he flagellates a penitent fellow clergyman with a rubber whip. “We can only remedy this by proper schooling, with properly funded religious authority imprinting a sense of right and wrong from an early age. When we have young people who are more interested in acting right rather than watching wrong, Random Chaos will be a better place.”
  3. “Gahh! I can’t even tell what’s real and isn’t real anymore!” moans your social media handler Rex Chapman, while fighting a losing battle against pop-ups and clickbait sites. “Whatever happened to the good old days of internet journalism, back when they weren’t littered with ads... and when ads themselves weren’t disguised as news? This sort of practice ought to be banned! The internet needs to return to a place of intellectual discussion and education, not this cesspool of clickbait, gross-out violence, and trolling.”
  4. “Social media made this problem; let social media fix it,” suggests too-reasonable seeming taxi driver Johann Huxley, who considers himself an expert on how Random Chaos is run after driving around several politicians. “Tell the big companies behind these sites that they have to police their own sites and enforce better standards, or face financial penalties. They’ve got huge profit margins, and they pay barely any tax, so let them shoulder the cost of the problems they’ve created.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, obstetricians are not allowed to publish ultrasound pictures of fetuses in medical journals.

2020-10-10 08:30

Paparazzi Parents

A teenager recently made headlines when he filed a lawsuit against his parents who had shared his photos on MyFace without his consent, prompting a discussion on whether parents have the right to post their kids’ pictures without their permission.

  1. “This is a shameless infringement of my client’s privacy!” thunders Django Quimby, the lawyer of the teenage plaintiff, while he spreads an array of his client’s intimate childhood pictures on your desk. “You see, these irresponsible parents have unscrupulously documented the most private moments of my client, taking shots of him while he sat upon a potty chair, or ran around in his diapers, and then they shared them on their MyFace account! I don’t even need to mention the weirdos who may now have access to these sensitive pictures. Distributing any pictures of minors online, or offline, should be a criminal offense!”
  2. “Frankly, I don’t understand why this is even an issue,” grumbles Efthamia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff, the mother of the disgruntled teenager, as she snuggles up to you and pouts her lips to #TakeASelfieWithTheLeader. “I mean, what is more natural for a mother than to take the pictures of her pretty little pumpkin and his adorable chubby bum, and to share them with her friends? We can’t take the tantrums of a pubescent kid high on hormones seriously, can we? As legal guardians, parents should be allowed to dispose of their kids’ pictures as they like.”
  3. “Ahem, I say we don’t have to think in binary terms,” chips in Marcus Sugarmountain, the founder of MyFace, while he nervously scans your room with wide, bulging eyes. “I would first like to assure you that our app is very safe. Nobody would ever need to fear a data leak or any breach of security on our part. But if half-naked photos of kids are a problem, in order to safeguard our profile, we could simply program a bot to sift through all photos in our database and to tag and remove the ones in which too much flesh is exposed. What do you think?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kindergartners love the free balloons that their schools give them.

2020-10-10 02:30

You Must Be 18 Years or Older to View This Content

A recent survey suggested that more than half of the nation’s teenagers have accessed websites designated only for users 18 years or older.

  1. “I caught the lil’ ones looking at this!” booms a concerned grandfather, attempting to show you some graphic images on his phone. “The new techmologies only promote disgusting, dangerous acts. And back in my day, young people had to work very hard to get their hands on pornography. Nowadays, these entitled, bratty kids have it so easy: they can just click a button and — boom — orgies! They need to struggle a bit and learn the value of hard work like I did. Children should not be allowed to use the internet!”
  2. “Okay,” says the owner of the pornographic video website XGerbil. “I just think we all have to accept that this is the way the world is now. Children will manage to get their hands on this stuff no matter what barriers are put up to prevent their access. For example, upon visiting our site, people first have to confirm that they are 18 or older. I never thought that young people would ever lie about it, especially on the internet! There’s no stopping it. Since they’re all gonna find out about sex anyway, I suggest we invest in better sex education and provide free condoms at schools.”
  3. “What about the parents that allowed this clear breach of internet law under their own roofs?” asks smug mother Brenda Archer, covering the ears, eyes, and mouth of her son. “Imagine how much of a bad parent you have to be to let your child be able to see such depraved garbage. Why, I take pride in knowing what my little angel is doing and viewing every single moment of his day! The parents who facilitate this kind of behavior must be held legally responsible for corrupting the youth.”
  4. “The root of this problem is the accessibility of these websites,” claims your IT support technician Nathan Feilder, restarting your computer again. “Why not implement internet-wide filters for adult websites? Only users who have verified their age to the government through their ID and other documents may get past these barriers. Yes, the government should require licenses of people who want to watch that kind of stuff. And to be honest, Leader, we know that basically everyone is going to need that license, wink wink. So imagine all the money you could make from the fees for these licenses, which of course should go toward funding my department.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teenagers haven't been seen outdoors since the nation reconnected to the Internet.

2020-10-09 20:30

Log Us Back On

A crowd of nerds, bored of isolated consoles, demand that you reconnect Random Chaos to the Internet, so that they may once again explore a world of knowledge, view porn, play their favorite nation simulator, and watch some more porn.

  1. “A man can only do so much with a non-connected personal computer,” laments Freddy Shore, a pale, bespectacled nerd clutching his laptop. “I’m sick and tired of solitaire, word processing, and re-organizing my desktop icons. I need engagement! I need entertainment! I need to watch p— I mean... I craaave the knowledge the web gives me! Leader, give us back the Internet!”
  2. “Now wait just a damn minute,” scolds local librarian Wally Bennett while smacking you on the hand with a ruler. “This ban has done wonders for Random Chaos’s literacy rate. Kids are reading for enjoyment again. If you give them back the Internet, that all goes out the window. And for what? Lolcats? I implore you, for the sake of our children; invest in their education and keep the Internet out of Random Chaos.”
  3. “We already sent that evil series of tubes out of our glorious nation; now it’s that devil machine’s turn!” shouts Bongani Grossweiner, a particularly troubled backwoods preacher. “Go all the way and ban computers completely! We must return to simpler times for the sake of our future! To heck with productivity, do this NOW!”
  4. “No! You mustn’t!” cries Harley Nagasawa, CEO of Maxcom Software. “If you reconnect Random Chaos or ban computers, our local software market will collapse! We simply cannot compete with the global market. We need to take their minds off of the Web. Now, the only reason these people are clamoring for the Web is because they’re bored with what a single PC can do. What we need to do is make it more FUN! If you subsidize local software companies, we’ll churn out top-notch, locally produced software that’ll make people forget all about the Internet.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people who have never eaten chicken are told it tastes a bit like crocodile.

2020-10-09 14:30

An Acquired Taste

Public health officials across Random Chaos are demanding a restriction on bushmeat consumption, asserting that handling and eating bushmeat can transfer new and deadly diseases from animals to humans. These officials cite VODAIS, ebola and coronavirus as examples of diseases that were originally contracted by humans after eating bushmeat. You have arrived in the jungles of southern Random Chaos to assess the nation’s bushmeat market.

  1. “This is how a pandemic starts,” declares Dr. Marleen Haynes, her arm extended at the scene before you. “You see here stalls selling bushmeat from the jungle, some scavenged from already-dead carcasses. Wild animals are pathogen factories; we shouldn’t be ingesting their flesh. Look at that butcher’s floor, covered in monkey blood! VODAIS started with cross-species viral transmission, and this is how the next killer will start too. Good public health practice demands that you should restrict the sale and consumption of meat from non-farmed animals.”
  2. “Stop stirring the pot,” jeers Sipho Palpatine, a bushmeat vendor, chewing on a grilled bat wing. “This fearmongering kills business and keeps us poor and starving. You scientists have heads full of ideas, but we need full bellies! We cannot survive without bushmeat, and it is part of our culture! Besides, people only get sick because they’re not used to how rich and delicious it tastes. If the government really wants to help you should supply us with meat lockers, soap, hunting equipment and logistics assistance to help us bring the meats to market.”
  3. “Let them eat ape!” declares military strategist Mary Antwunnet. “This place is a breeding ground for new deadly diseases. Under the guise of altruism, we could set up a center here to monitor and research new viruses. We could pretend to be helping the villagers while secretly weaponizing our findings. We’ll be at the top of the world’s food chain when we’re done.”
  4. “We can’t really force our way of living on these peoples,” states your Minister for Creative Solutions. “It’s not them that’s the problem; it’s our involvement in their society spreading potentially infected meat. Let’s leave them alone. We’ll remove all trace of our civilization — hospitals, medical facilities and so on and declare it a nature reserve, with only the locals being allowed to live here. With a strict quarantine for anyone coming in or out, there’s no chance of a virus beyond their villages.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, light entertainment shows are light on actual entertainment.

2020-10-09 08:30

Random Chaos Falls Flat in Singing Contest

Last night, in the finals of popular reality TV contest The Hatrackiavision, the Random Chaosian representative lost, despite giving what almost all critics in Random Chaos have declared to be a superior performance. The enraged masses have inexplicably decided that the best course of action is to storm your office to voice their complaints.

  1. “It was rigged!” chants real housewife of Random Chaos City, Peggy Shiomi Karsprintian, who is so angered that she is speaking at a pace you’re having trouble keeping up with. “Half the judges looked to be Maxtopian to me, and you know what those people think of us and our culture. The contest must be rerun, this time with more unbiased judges from Random Chaos. If the rest of The Hatrackia doesn’t agree, threaten trade sanctions, heck, maybe even outright war. Our national pride depends on this!”
  2. “Clearly, the rest of The Hatrackia are just uncultured idiots!” crescendoes Gary Belcher, who was recently voted the country’s most-eligible bachelor. “If they can’t appreciate us, who needs them? The government should sponsor its own patriotic song contest! Call it Random Chaosian Idol, only let native-born Random Chaosians compete, and let Random Chaosians vote for a winner. A song for the people, by the people, to the people, from the people. Or something.”
  3. “For sure, everyone knows that The Hatrackiavision always has every nation giving top marks to their favourite historic allies,” intones reality show survivor Geoff Probes. “Maybe instead you should be asking why other nations don’t feel inclined to treat Random Chaos that way. Maybe you should be investing more in diplomacy, in mutual-backscratching, in favorable trade deals traded for agreeable song contest votes. This is how the world works, and we should be learning to play nice with our neighbors.”
  4. “If you ask me, these low-brow shows are making your average Random Chaosian no smarter than a 5th-grader,” croons your apprentice, after finally clearing the rabble from your office. “If only more shows on TV were serious, like 60 Clock-ticks, or informative, like Will Zeke the Science Geek, then television could actually help create a smarter, more refined populace.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Efficient Economies.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, industry tycoons rarely hide their misdeeds due to the government's habit of bailing them out.

2020-10-09 02:30

Side Effects

Gambler Pharmaceuticals, a major international drug company based in Random Chaos, was recently linked to illegal human experimentation and an organ harvesting cult in the underdeveloped, jungle nation of Kawandaland. Its atrocities exposed, the company has gone bottom-up, throwing Random Chaosian markets into turmoil, and largely eliminating access to inexpensive medical supplies in Kawandaland.

  1. “Gambler Pharmaceuticals was both dealing diphenhydramine and defiling human rights,” states Kathryn McCartney, the Random Chaosian ambassador to Kawandaland. “While they should have stayed with the former, we cannot allow this to cause a fatal reaction as far as Random Chaosian-Kawandalandian relations are concerned. Let’s begin medical aid shipments to their country. While it might not be cheap, such an action may yet preserve our honor in the eyes of these noble people.”
  2. “Oh, I’d love to bandage up Kawandaland too, ambassador,” chimes in Oswald Sorin, a top-level official in the Finance Ministry. “You do realize that our economy is being wounded by this catastrophe as well, right? I agree that the situation in Kawandaland is a sad one, but we must save ourselves while we still have the chance. Instead of spending millions of chips on medical aid, we should use those funds to stabilize our markets. It might seem cold and heartless, but I’m just following triage procedures, and I believe the bleeding is worse here in Random Chaos.”
  3. “The actions of my former employers are quite repulsive, and have left quite a mess,” admits Velma Bradbury, a former representative of Gambler Pharmaceuticals. “Do not despair for I have a fast-acting, extra-strength, non-drowsy method to resolve this! If the government could nationalize the pharmaceutical industry, then it’s only a matter of time before the markets rally back and we can eventually shift our interest back towards Kawandaland.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, snooze factory is now prison lingo for rehabilitation center.

2020-10-08 20:30

Cruel or Unusual?

A small town judge has garnered national attention after sentencing a serial litterer to sit, in lieu of jail time, in a garbage can and hand out apology flyers to locals. Legal experts and concerned citizens have come to offer their unsolicited take on whether or not Random Chaos should embrace unorthodox punishments for petty criminals.

  1. “The government needs to stop telling me how to do my job,” states the judge while banging his gavel against your desk. “Sending someone off to the big house merely trains them to be a better criminal! I merely seek to embarrass them or make them do a bit of community service. Like that kid who was spray painting trains; I had him do a mural for the Eastern Random Chaos Art Museum, and now he’s blossomed into quite the artist. You should encourage us to use our judgement to find fitting, albeit unconventional, punishments for our criminals.”
  2. “I agree that punishments should be determined on a case-by-case basis, but this is hardly even a slap on the wrist!” grumbles Lexi Talia Onassis, an officer who is currently suspended for using excessive force. “If you want to see crime stop dead in its tracks, you need to enable the police to do to criminals what they have done to others without the hassle of the court system. If someone burns down a house, we burn down theirs! If someone commits murder, we murder them! If someone takes drugs, we... uh...” She trails off. “Anyway, we’ll need some more funding for our officers. Things might get messy out there.”
  3. “Do you think it’s wise to put the rehabilitation of our nation’s minor offenders in the hands of a judge, or an officer for that matter?” questions Apu King, a well-respected advisor in the Justice Department, as he opens a dozen manilla folders, spilling their contents across your desk. “If we were to open educational rehabilitation clinics in our cities, operated by my Department and overseen by psychological experts, we could design a comprehensive system to stamp out repeat offenses. All it takes is a little funding, but just imagine the informational seminars, four-hour documentaries, even guest speakers from the Retirement Community of Former Felons!”
  4. “Do the crime, pay the time,” replies a more orthodox judge with a shrug, trudging in after a sixteen-hour hearing. “Everybody wants a creative solution to our crime problem, but all you’re doing is putting a burden on our legal professionals. Our primary responsibility is to determine guilt or innocence, and consistent rules for sentencing should be in place for reasons of fairness to the convicted. I suggest we have a fixed-term jail sentence for each crime, regardless of the circumstance. We’ll save ourselves a lot of time, and it will eliminate any bias in the severity of punishments.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, expats return home to a government devoid of social and environmental agencies.

2020-10-08 14:30

Wealthy Flee to Tax-Free Havens

Random Chaos’s governmental revenue has been dropping sharply as the super-rich emigrate to nations with very low taxes. Faced with the prospect of massive budget shortfalls, the government must act.

  1. “Isn’t it obvious?” says Jean-Paul Gorbachev, the most famous Random Chaosian trillionaire, calling from a private yacht somewhere in the Pacific. “If the tax rates weren’t so appallingly high, I - and others like me - would be perfectly happy to stay and contribute to the economy. A tax cut would mean taking money out of a few unimportant things like healthcare, welfare, and the environment, but it’s the only way.”
  2. “There’s no doubt we need that money to stay in the country,” opines your Minister of Finance whilst leafing through an ominous-looking file. “But who says we need the people? If we imposed a massive charge on leaving the country - say 50% of the emigrating person’s total worth - we’d rake in tons of cash and get rid of the filthy rich wasters at the same time.”
  3. “Why allow anyone to emigrate?” muses one of your advisers, “All citizens, from the billionaires down to unskilled laborers, are critical to our economy. If we sealed off the borders, we wouldn’t risk brain drain or fleeing capital. It’d require a rise in taxes, but I think the financial security of our nation is worth it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a shipwreck is everyone's fault but the captain's.

2020-10-08 08:30

Down With That?

A Random Chaosian cruise ship ran aground last week in the treacherous waters off the southern coast. The captain, Howard Weber, had infamy bestowed upon him after it was found that he abandoned ship before all of the passengers on board safely made it off, defying centuries of maritime tradition.

  1. “Twenty people drowned in that accident, and that scum-bag decided his life was more important?” rhetorically asks Michonne Deming, one of the surviving passengers of the ship, still visibly shaken by what had occurred. “Ship captains should always see to it that everyone on board gets off safely before they do – after all, they can’t direct the rescue effort if they aren’t on the actual ship! If they don’t, we must punish these cowards to the fullest extent of the law!”
  2. “Let’s not be too hasty about assigning blame here!” counters Captain Weber, who’s remarkably shorter and skinnier than you expected him to be. “I’m just as traumatized as anyone else. I was actually helping coordinate the rescue operation, albeit from the safety of land. It’s not my duty to add to the death toll, is it?”
  3. “That captain is nothing but a lily-livered land-lubber!” scoffs Rear Admiral Latham. “When Random Chaos first took to the seas, the ship’s captain was obliged to go down with the ship, even if they were within spitting distance of the shore! It was the honourable thing to do back then. We should return to our maritime traditions and any captain that doesn’t like it should be given a good ol’ keel-hauling!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, advert breaks are played at lower volumes to make them easier to ignore.

2020-10-08 02:30

Imitation Station

While chauffeuring you to work this morning, your driver notified you of a recent spike in motorized vehicle accidents. He says that the cause is several distracting radio advertisements - one ironically telling drivers to “buckle up”. These ads include sounds of screams, screeching tyres, honking horns, and police sirens, causing confusion for drivers on the road.

  1. “You can’t simply restrict our right as businesses to use a simple sound!” complains CEO of Adz4U Inc. Carrie Belcher, while a vuvuzela quartet play a selection of tunes in the background. “These noises help us draw in our audience’s attention, and get them to listen better. Plus, if a few commuters get into fender benders then that’s good for auto-repair businesses, right?”
  2. “If you let them use these sounds, millions will die!” screams histrionic commuter Gregory Grimes. “Okay, I admit, I can’t provide evidence for that. But this is definitely a public safety concern, and it’s common sense that there’ll be deaths on the road from this. And surely, safety is your number one priority, right? Adverts should be screened for distracting noises.”
  3. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, let’s slow down here, people,” says grumpy middle-aged woman Marin Murphy. “There is an incredibly easy solution here, and that’s just to not allow radios or any other audio systems in cars. Think about it! No more young drivers ‘sharing’ the latest chart tunes at full volume as they drive through town centres, no more screaming toddlers demanding that nursery rhymes are on endless loop on long car journeys and no more sad songs making you want to take a hard left into oblivion when you’re driving along the clifftop. Wait, is that one just me?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the national census includes an opt-in to join the government-run dating service.

2020-10-07 20:30

All the Lonely People

Random Chaos City University researchers have reported that as many as 1 in 3 people in Random Chaos may be suffering from chronic loneliness. Studies say this is causing considerable harm to people’s health, as dangerous as smoking a pack of cigarettes each day.

  1. “The problem here is social isolation,” observes lead researcher Dr. Elena Rugby, who is plastered with a distracting amount of facial make-up. “Lonely people could just use some government-funded opportunities where they can meet up and chat, get-togethers where they might find the man of their dreams after being left at the altar thirty-two long years ago.” She sighs wistfully and averts her gaze.
  2. “No, the problem here is perceived social isolation, not actual isolation,” interrupts co-researcher Mackenzie Thomas, talking to you via a carefully crafted sock puppet on his right hand. “Mr. Sock here thinks that it’d be better to provide counseling and drugs to brighten up life. You’re only alone if you feel alone.” He pecks Mr. Sock on the ‘cheek’ and smiles happily.
  3. “No, no, the problem here is isolating perceptions of what constitutes socialisation,” interjects IT support nerd Doreen Mode, showing a clueless researcher how to turn his computer off and on again. “Two words for you: robot companions. Okay, three words: foxy robot companions. Kit out social services with a few of these, and BAM... job done.”
  4. “No, no, no! The problem here is that these socialists are attempting to isolate big government solutions,” complains socialite Daisy Hawkins, smoothing out her second-hand green velvet jacket. “If you really want people to be less lonely, then cut back income tax a bit, and they’ll have more disposable income to get out and meet people. More money equals more happiness!”
  5. “No, no, no. And no. The problem here is social isolation being seen as undesirable,” comments introvert Ringo Harrison, offering his thoughts softly from behind a pair of face-obscuring sunglasses. “Wouldn’t the world be better if everyone just stopped all this inane chatter and got on with some quiet reading? Oh, there’s an idea: maybe you could make two hours every evening into no-contact time, where people aren’t allowed to talk or interact with each other. That’d be... nice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every workday begins with group therapy.

2020-10-07 14:30

Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide

The nation is in mourning after beloved cultural icon Johnny Brazeau was found dead of apparent suicide in his Tasmanian beachhouse. New details have emerged that his eccentric and happy-go-lucky public persona was masking chronic depression, thrusting mental illness into the public spotlight.

  1. “Clearly, Mr. Brazeau was suffering from severe depression,” says world-renowned psychiatrist Dr. Lucas Richardson. “This is symptomatic of a deep-seated epidemic of unreported mental illness across The Hatrackia. Mental health services have been underfunded for decades, and it is about time that the government stepped in to provide proper mental healthcare for the nation. We desperately need evidence-based CBT, more psychiatrists, and proper education to finally rid ourselves of this stigma surrounding mental health. You can’t put a price on the nation’s wellbeing.”
  2. “Johnny Brazeau’s death is a tragedy, but we all know his songs contained subliminal pro-suicide messages,” says moral crusader Sabrina Yoo, who is well known for egging blasphemers and burning effigies of politicians. “People across Random Chaos now know that an idolized national treasure selfishly took his own life. What kind of message does that send, especially to kids? This shameless act is only going to convince them that suicide is cool. Suicide must be made illegal, and only the ultimate punishment will deter people from this sin. We need to teach our children that life, regardless of how much you’re suffering, is always the answer.”
  3. “Haha, the freak finally did himself in. That’s very droll,” laughs insensitive city worker Amelia Fallon, who was recently laid off for making countless inappropriate jokes on the job. “Yes, of course people are down in this nation, but if you want to cheer us up, give the people a tax cut. Stop wasting money on welfare and all this mental health rubbish. Give us our money back, and we’ll make ourselves happy.”
  4. “It’s a tragedy of course, but also an opportunity,” suggests professional spin doctor Dirk Malik, handing you a bottle of fake tears. “If we play our cards right, we can create a distraction from hard-to-sell government policies. Make a speech with a single tear rolling down your cheek and visit the widow to bring a wreath and a spontaneous hug. We can make bad news work to improve your public image.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, genetic researchers have been expelled.

2020-10-07 08:30

Cloning Research Promises New Breakthrough

Scientists using cloned human embryos for research are on the verge of a medical breakthrough.

  1. “It’s really very exciting,” says lab head William Hanover. “Until now, we’ve kept very quiet, to avoid being targeted by lunatic fringe groups who for some reason think it’s wrong to clone human embryos. It’s too early to promise anything, but we hope that one day we will have genetic cures for a whole range of debilitating illnesses. I certainly hope the government will support our work.”
  2. “Well, if you have to be part of a lunatic fringe group to object to this barbaric practice, I’m a lunatic,” says placard-waving protestor Caesar Nxumalo. “Of course it would be nice to cure these unnamed diseases, but at what cost? They’re messing with the sanctity of human life. It’s wrong, and the lab should be shut down immediately.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Mining Sector, Largest Agricultural Sector, Most Conservative, and Most Advanced Defense Forces.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is under martial law.

2020-10-07 02:30

Police on Overkill Mode?

When the police recently used a main battle tank to stop a robbery in downtown Random Chaos City, many questioned whether the police should be buying up army surplus.

  1. “I thought the police were there to make things better!” cries Carter Wilson, gesturing towards the devastated shopfront. “One moment I was being held up by a guy in a mask. The next thing I know a 50 ton war machine is roaring through my shop! Instead of some derelict stealing the money in the till, the police pulverized the entire building! Surely that tank was overkill? They’re cops, not commandos.”
  2. The offending tank drives up to your office with sirens blaring, stopping just before it hits the building. The tank’s turret swivels towards your head, then the hatch swings open and Officer Hope Dubois pops out. “Howdy! So ... you heard about that robbery we crushed - literally - downtown with Bessie here? I just want to say that militarization is the best thing that ever happened to law enforcement. Never been easier to strike fear into the hearts of criminals! In fact, you should loosen the rules of procurement for police equipment. Then we could have some real toys! To deal with gangs, of course, not to run around like drunken idiots.”
  3. “Officer Friendly here appears to overestimate the logical potential for heavy weaponry in everyday law enforcement,” complains Chief of Department Marlon Licorish while glaring at the tank outside your office. “Special weapons and tactics have their place in hostage negotiation and riot control, but they shouldn’t be deployed routinely. We should have heavily armed paramilitary police units, but they should be elites reserved for exceptional circumstances.”
  4. The tank drives off, ruining the gardens around your office. “I can’t believe you let amateurs use heavy armor,” comments Sigourney Scott, a military attaché from Maxtopia. “Occupying unruly neighborhoods can reduce unrest, but only if the job is done by professionals. Let the army handle all police work from now on, and you won’t have untrained idiots demolishing every street sign in their path. Nothing maintains law and order quite like the barrel of a gun and a proper curfew.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tourists flock to see the giant stone carvings of historical leaders at Mount Rushless.

2020-10-06 20:30

Colossus With Feet of Clay

After a slow news week, one of your aides brought to your attention the controversy surrounding Violetstone National Park. Well-known Tourism tycoon, Edward Rump, recently revealed proposals to purchase the land and intends to carve the faces of former leaders into Mount Rushless, a site revered by many Native Random Chaosians.

  1. “The area is perfect for what I have in mind,” exclaims Mr. Rump, showing you some incredibly detailed concept art. “These monolithic carvings of the heads of historical figures will symbolize our nation’s strength and pride.” He gestures towards the faces on the blueprints. “Our nation’s statesmen will not be forgotten! In fact, we could even open this up as a tourist attraction! Never mind that Native Random Chaosians consider the land sacred. These majestic sculptures will stand the test of time. At the very least they’ll finally knock off the Random Chaos City Tire Fire to become the Eighth Wonder of The Hatrackia!”
  2. “Who cares about some long-dead old farts?” questions Neil Negan, one of your more youthful aides. “If there’s anybody’s face we should be carving into that mountain, it should be yours! You’ve already done so much for Random Chaos, and it’s about time you were paid your proper respect. So many world leaders worry about being remembered after they’re gone. I’m sure you still have many years left in you, but this monument will ensure that you will never be forgotten.”
  3. “Leader, have you no respect for our sacred lands?” asks Runs With Gamblers, Chief of the Violetstone tribe. “My people have lived in these lands for countless generations and now you are going to desecrate them? Even worse, you plan to honor imperialist monsters who slaughtered our ancestors? The government should be apologizing for those atrocities, not celebrating the butchers behind them. Leader, these are our lands, not yours. Our home is not a tourist attraction. You must respect that. Our people have suffered enough.”
  4. “The mountain should be totally left alone,” agrees environmentalist Jill Tolkien, as she hands peace offerings to everyone in the room. “Mount Rushless is an environmental wonder and has been beloved for generations exactly as it is. If anything, we should be passing tougher environmental laws to make sure that these lands can’t be sold to the highest bidder. We ought to be designating more lands as national parks and hiring more park rangers to protect them. The government’s top priority should be protecting the environment, not opening up another tourist trap!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, in pet stores nationwide gamblers are growing in popularity.

2020-10-06 14:30

Save the Gambler

In desperation at the plight of the gambler, which has virtually no natural habitat left in Random Chaos, a somewhat unorthodox environmental group is demanding that the few surviving specimens be domesticated and sold in pet stores.

  1. “We must act now, before the gambler is lost forever,” said spokesperson Hugh Hester during a recent interview. “Domestication has ensured the survival of many endangered species in the past, and there really is no alternative left at this point. Besides, I’m sure many families would be thrilled to welcome a gambler into their homes.”
  2. “Sure, gamblers might look cute and harmless to you,” says retired hunting legend Miley Patel, “but back in my day, they were the scourge on the nation. They carry a number of dangerous diseases, and you do NOT want to be bitten by one. My cousin was once bitten by a gambler and he’s never been the same since! So now you want my grandchildren exposed to these things? The sooner they disappear completely, the better!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the song 'They Got an Awful Lot of Coffee in Random Chaos' is a smash hit.

2020-10-06 08:30

Trouble Brewing

This morning’s strategy meeting was brought to a grinding halt when you and your cabinet were subjected to the worst pot of tea you have ever had the misfortune of suffering. The leaves weren’t properly brewed, the milk was skimmed AND powdered, the water was lukewarm, and the sugar bowl was full of salt...

  1. “Oh gosh Leader, I’m so sorry I don’t know how to make your boiled leaf water,” spits Monica, the ever-sarcastic secretary responsible for the offending brew. “I was busy learning trivialities like typing, minute-taking, IT skills, and calendar organising. How about you all drink Eckie-cola from now on, instead? In fact, you should get rid of tea from the whole of Random Chaos: it’s a drink for old farts and fuddy-duddies anyway.”
  2. “Look, I’m the Secretary of State, the damn Secretary of State, I say, and even I know how to make tea properly,” complains your elderly Secretary of State, pointing to the desk nameplate that says Secretary of State. “The problem with young people today, well, besides being constantly glued to their Pear Phones, is that they don’t know how to slow down and take their time. We should make tea-making and kitchen skills a part of the national curriculum, and encourage all those teenagers and twenty-somethings to stop rushing around, and to appreciate a proper tea service.”
  3. “Pfft, slow-mo food and drink is so last century,” mocks Waldo Ambrose, your Chief of Science, while digging into his microwave burrito. “What you need is instant tea, in a can, with some sort of heating widget that triggers with the ring pull, and plenty of preservatives to make it last. Once again, science has the answer! So, shall I assign some government grants for food technology research, or what?”
  4. “Oolongs for better tea?” giggles Bodhi Garak, your pun-loving Minister of Agriculture, and your Cabinet brace themselves for an onslaught of tea-related puns. “Can we Matcha solution to the problem? Can we Rize to the occasion? Did you read that report I Sencha? Did I get things down to a tea, my Darjeelings?” In the face of blank faces and silence, he changes tack. “Uh... anyway, coffee. Coffee is easier to make and nicer. Subsidise coffee growers.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Primitive.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, high school bands practice by moonlight.

2020-10-06 02:30

Just Snoring With Excitement

After having to poke your nephew with a stick to wake him up, you are beset by a chorus of health experts and disgruntled teenagers complaining about the wave of adolescent insomnia gripping the nation.

  1. Drowsy high-schooler Judi Haynes jolts awake after finding a microphone in her face. “Dude, this is, like,” she pauses to yawn. “Terrible. The school day is starting earlier and earlier, and that’s making us lose our precious sleep, man! If you, like, forced schools to start later we could all get our sleep and, like, be more attentive in class.”
  2. “Kids these days will complain about anything!” hollers Neil Oz, your reluctant Minister for Education. “Let’s require that all Random Chaosian schoolchildren attend state-run boarding schools. They’ll sleep when we tell them to sleep, and not a moment later! Parents might not like it, but think of all the chips they’ll save on snacks.”
  3. “Hi hi!” Your precocious young niece runs around your office. “How about big boys and girls and grownups have nap time? Nap time was so fun, I miss it! Everyone should have nap time!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens can only enjoy the splendor of the natural world in designated 'Majesty Appreciation' zones.

2020-10-05 20:30

What a Gneiss Place We’ve Got Here

A vast and seemingly endless new cave system has just been discovered in a remote section of Violetstone National Park! Despite not even having a name yet, petitioners are crowding your office telling you what to do with it.

  1. “I’m ready. Let’s do this!” shouts renowned adrenaline junkie, Weevil Knievel, waving a headlamp at you. “I am going to be the first person to ever explore this cave. It would be yet another feather in the cap of my already stellar career! Yes, I know it’s a nine day off-road trek into sensitive ecosystems. Yes, I know it will be fraught with danger and intrigue. That’s the whole point! Give me the green light... and, while you’re at it, a camera crew.”
  2. “You can’t be serious?” chastises Doug Locke, the head of the advocacy group ‘No Safety, Know Pain’. “Who knows what kind of beasts and perils might be lurking in there? Imagine this, Leader: a good, wholesome Random Chaosian family, out having a picnic in the splendor of Violetstone National Park. Suddenly, a rare horn-billed gambler skitters by, distracting the parents. Their young son wanders off, gets lost in this deathtrap of a cave and dies! Do you want that hypothetical boy’s blood on your conscience? You must protect your citizens and seal this cave for our safety.”
  3. “Whoop-dee-doo, there’s a new cave! Get over it,” snorts Kendall Shakespeare, one of Violetstone’s junior rangers. “You know what else is still there? Any number of trees, flowers, bunnies — you name it — all happily undisturbed by human activities. I say we keep it that way with a boost to the park budget. With more money, we can crack down on anyone who tries to illegally enter prohibited areas.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chalkboards are replaced with billboards in the classroom.

2020-10-05 14:30

The Magic (Of Advertising!) School Bus

An educational budget shortfall has prompted several local school districts to allow companies to advertise on school buses. This, of course, has aroused a major controversy over the ubiquity of advertisement.

  1. “I would like to let you know that I have a problem with this,” states high-school social studies teacher Elaine Barker. “I teach my students all the time about the negative effects of advertising on the populace, and then at the end of the day, they leave on buses inundated with this very corporate propaganda! It must be outlawed! And since we’re so strapped for cash, have the rich pay up for once.”
  2. “Corporate propaganda?” exclaims Jean-Luc Golightly, CEO of Omni Consumer Products, “You’ve got to be kidding me! This is all harmless, you see. The advertising on buses is great for the school systems. How else would girls know that Maxxxi brand pads are right for them? Now, if you just sign here, businesses will be able to cover the buses with signs - to support education, of course - and perhaps we can advertise all over the schools themselves, too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation has returned to more conventional warfare to slaughter its enemies.

2020-10-05 08:30

Nuke Before You Leap

Traditionally, the leader of Random Chaos is the only person in the country who can authorize the use of nuclear weapons. However, the increasingly threatening rhetoric between Random Chaos and Blackacre, another nuclear weapons state, is making the top brass of the military concerned that the lack of checks and balances could easily trigger a nuclear war.

  1. “There needs to be more than just your authorization to launch an attack with our WMDs,” asserts General Colin Brooks, the senior commander of the Random Chaosian military. “It’s not that we don’t trust you. It’s just that this Blackacre situation is giving us lots of sleepless nights. All it would take is for one insult or threat to be taken too seriously and we’d be hurled into a devastating war we may not recover from. Launches of WMDs should require the approval of the military brass plus some additional checks and confirmation codes, not just your assent. Nothing wrong with being a little cautious, is there?”
  2. “Getting everyone’s consent takes time, and time is a luxury we can’t afford in a volatile situation,” states your security adviser while drawing devil horns on a picture of Blackacre’s leader. “Do you think the dictator of Blackacre is going to waste time with consultants when she decides to launch her nukes? We need to act fast in these kinds of situations. You, Leader, need to have the ability to unilaterally declare nuclear war and launch our most powerful weapons without anyone getting in the way. Just push the big red button and Blackacre goes poof!”
  3. “Or better yet, you can start dismantling those weapons!” demands your wayward niece, wearing a t-shirt with the words ‘No More Torpedoes’ emblazoned across the chest. “These bombs are capable of destroying The Hatrackia ten times over! Random Chaos must make a stand and take the first step towards peace. Ban weapons of mass destruction, and other brave nations will surely follow suit. I don’t want my future children to inherit a post-apocalyptic Random Chaos!”
  4. “The problem here is the figurative big red button itself,” muses Dr. Honey Bell-Lecter from the Institute of Thought Experimentation. “Launching nuclear weapons is an action that would definitely kill millions and could kill everyone in the world. Simply ordering a nuclear attack doesn’t have enough moral cognitive weight to it. Thus, the launch codes should be stitched in the viscera of one of your loved ones. That way, you can still trigger global Armageddon if you deem it necessary, but having to first kill and disembowel your loved one makes the suffering sufficiently real for you and forces you to confront the ethical consequences of your actions.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fake beard sales are on the rise amongst female commuters.

2020-10-05 02:30

Thora and Eloise

The cross-country crime-spree of two women, Thora Dobbs and Eloise Mulholland, kept the nation hooked to their TV sets for several days, and ended in tragedy with their joint suicide pact. The unfolding story has given the pair a strange anti-hero celebrity status, with many tearful and sighing fans laying flower wreaths and shell-casings around the burnt out wreck of their car. The press are awaiting a statement from your office on the matter.

  1. “It’s clear,” says Kellyanne Latham, of popular feminist panel-show HERstory, “that Ms. Dobbs and Ms. Mulholland were making a protest against the phallocentric values that dictate our outdated laws.” She waves her hands for applause, momentarily forgetting that she’s not in the television studio. “Uh... We should applaud them.”
  2. “But this isn’t daubing some graffito,” says Beth Sanchez, the so-called Hanging Judge of Random Chaos City. “These gals weren’t Robin Hood. They robbed seventeen convenience stores, shot three people, and stole clothes from my Mama’s washing line. Let’s call a spade a spade, here: they’re evil. They deserved to plunge off the Gambler Viaduct.”
  3. “Let’s be honest,” mansplains Pete Annan, the proudly chauvinistic author of Men are Divine, Women are Slime, as he pushes in front of the previous two speakers, “this all began the moment those young ladies got in that car. Had two unchaperoned girls been kept from doing that, this mess would never have happened. Well, there’s only one sane, logical answer to that... Don’t let womenfolk drive anymore.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military is researching proton packs and PK-meters to combat "unseen enemy forces".

2020-10-04 21:30

Thinking a Little Too Hard?

A highly publicized data leak from Maxtopia has revealed classified military projects studying ESP, astral projection, mind-reading and other psychic-related phenomena.

  1. “Just look at the things Maxtopia was experimenting with!” exclaims General Sparkle fiddling with a tinfoil ‘projection’ cap. “There’s mind-reading devices, brain-expansion exercises, this ‘Dream Twister’ secret project, and so much more! I mean, just imagine the potential strategic advantages on the battlefield, or in intelligence operations! Even if it comes to nothing, can you risk letting them get ahead of us? We should also be funding open-minded research into the paranormal, just to see what we find.”
  2. “Research alone is not taking this far enough!” proclaims purportedly psychokinetic guru Rosalina Brewer, offering you a copy of her self-help book Moving Forward. “The full potential of the human mind is an infinite power beyond this puny material world! A psychic soldier could stop their enemy’s heart with a thought, and smash tanks with a wave of the hand. Set aside all conventional arms, and train your army to fight purely with psychic force.”
  3. “Oh please, don’t tell me you’ve fallen for this nonsense as well!” moans famed debunker Agnieszka Harris. “All these projects amounted to nothing: nada, zilch, zero! They have only ever produced wasted time and wasted money. It’s time that we clamped down on ridiculous superstitions, and purged all magical thinking from our military! Any soldier caught spouting mystical mumbo-jumbo should be dishonorably discharged immediately!”
  4. “Of course the paranormal isn’t real, but that doesn’t mean we can’t spread some disinformation,” murmurs Propaganda Director Declan Octavian. “Essentially, this is about PSYOPS, not psychic ops. You must first fake and then leak data claiming that we have already developed paranormal military capabilities. This will unnerve credulous nation states, while also wasting the espionage resources of more cautious foes as they seek to refute our claims. It’ll be a cheap way to gain a significant strategic edge, so why not go for it?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the practice of capital punishment proves divisive.

2020-10-04 14:30

Couped Up

Outrage echoes through the hallowed halls of government. Your ungrateful Minister of the Interior claims you are an autocrat and has been drumming up support for a coup.

  1. “Come now, Leader, surely you see that this is all a misunderstanding,” coos Minister of the Interior Justin Annan, massaging your shoulders. “I think our problem is a failure to communicate. You never listen to anyone’s ideas but your own anymore. I felt sidelined. Our relationship needs to be more of a two-way street, or it just won’t work. Politics can’t be all me-me-me. How about I promise to stop trying to overthrow you, you promise to listen more, and we all turn over a new leaf. How does that sound?”
  2. “Are you serious?” cries Minister of Defence Peggy Gates, as she sits in the corner beheading toy soldiers. “Traitors are the lowest form of scum and should be treated as such. Many could have died in this proposed mutiny, not to mention that they were trying to deliberately oust the nation’s rightful leader! We must treat this man as the dangerous and unstable individual he is, and punish him in the only correct way for treasonous pond-life: by hanging, drawing and scattering his wicked body to the four winds for the birds to feast upon. Or, you could just chop his head off if you’re feeling generous.”
  3. “There is always another way around these matters,” hisses the Secret Police’s Head of Scientific Cunning, Xanatos Meier. “Merely pretend you agree and go for a drink with the traitor. My employees and I have found a new type of poison; it’s completely undetectable and perfectly mimics a heart attack, disappearing from the bloodstream within several hours. Slip this into any beverage and the drinker won’t be at work the next morning. The poor Minister is getting on in years, anyway. And what with all the negative press coverage about his being a disgusting traitor... perhaps the stress was simply too much to handle?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, skateboarding is punishable by heavy fines.

2020-10-04 08:30

Ban the ‘Boards, Say Pedestrians

The conservative Northern-based parents group of “Housewives and Convicts for a Safer Random Chaos” has put forward a memorandum to ban skateboarding in public.

  1. “Skateboarding is a menace to pedestrians and road users,” says activist Nosipho Pasteur. “Not to mention the astronomical number of skateboarding-related injuries - hundreds of children flood the emergency rooms of Random Chaos as a result of skateboarding every year, which is costly to the taxpayers. Keep our streets safe and save a little cash at the same time. Hell, you could make even more money by ticketing those who violate this law.”
  2. “Ticketing children for getting out of the house and exercising?” asks Wil Wagner, a school teacher, in disbelief. “That’s outrageous! It’s true that skateboarding can be dangerous but so is walking down the stairs! You want to ban that too?! What we should do is pass laws requiring safety equipment for skaters - if we allocate a little bit of the tax payers’ money to the cause, we can build a skate park that will keep our children safe and away from others on the road too.”
  3. “Yo, dude, I’ve got a better idea,” says Bruno Cruz while executing a complicated 360° spin over your head. “What if skateboarding was the only way to get around? Wouldn’t that be cool? Skateboarding is cheap, healthy, and fun! Everyone should do it! You could improve, like, the quality of life for everyone by banning vehicles and making skateboarding the only legal way to travel. People’d love you for it, man. Well, apart from the guys who make cars and the like, I guess.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the public are free to vote for whomever the government wants in office.

2020-10-04 02:30

Power to the People?

Several underground organisations in Random Chaos have recently been spreading discontent throughout the populace about not being able to vote.

  1. “We demand the power to rule the country the way we want!” cries Layla Shatner while being dragged before you in chains. “Too long have you and your dictatorial government been allowed to control our lives! The right to vote in a fair and free election is all we crave! You can take our lives, but you’ll never take our souls! Elections for Random Chaos!”
  2. “If you’ll take my advice, we should just send these crazies down to the dungeons,” murmurs Roger Beachcroft, one of your political advisors. “If we let them spread this propaganda we’ll soon have a revolution on our hands! We should crack down on these groups, seize control of news media, and ban non-governmental political organisations to keep the people from getting too frisky with their pitchforks.”
  3. “There’s no need to be quite so dramatic,” assures Joseph Green, your Minister of Silly Walks as he pinwheels past. “We could let them have their way a little, just to keep them happy, you know? We could give them the right to vote, but not the right to run for office. Then we could just pick out the candidates we wanted and they could choose! We’ve been doing this for years, we don’t want some uppity new bloke trying to tell us what to do.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fly fishermen are legally forbidden from using electronic lures.

2020-10-03 20:30

Nothing Fishy

Due to the recent popularity of Beards of Fishermen Magazine, Random Chaosians have decided to buy their own offshore fishing boats in droves. Based on the number of fishing permit applications, the Random Chaosian Fish and Game Department has suggested that dividing a reasonable quota equally between requesting boats would mean each would be allowed to catch no more than seventeen fish each year.

  1. “The problem is capitalism,” opines noted socialist Aziz Nahasapeemapetilon, who also blamed a recent stubbed toe on capitalism. “The state must take over the fishing industry entirely. Then the optimal fleet size and optimal fish catch for each boat can be determined by the state yearly according to the fish populations. It would also mean we’d spend less on quota enforcement because any boat which wasn’t state-owned would be clearly illegal.”
  2. “The problem is government interventionism,” states noted libertarian Felicity Thawne, who also blamed a recent hangnail on the government. “Let’s end this socialism of the sea! The government must sell its ownership of offshore waters to private entities. It will then be the property owners’ responsibility to determine who fishes, how much, and how enforcement is done. Don’t worry about sustainability; it will be in the property owners’ interest to make sure fishing continues in the long term.”
  3. “No, the problem here is these extreme positions,” notes Kim Chekov, author of recent bestseller Fishanomics. “You just need to auction off a limited number of permits for a share of the total fish catch each year. The invisible hand of government-regulated capitalism will assure the optimal number of boats run only by the most efficient crew will do the fishing at the perfect permit price.”
  4. “I have ah simplah solution than all that,” interjects Renee Jackson, an eccentric, salt of the sea boat repairer. “The problem is that modern technology has made commercial fishin’ as easy as, well, shootin’ fish in ah barrel. Get rid of the quota system and instead force all fishin’ to be done with old fashioned methods, and sail boats, and folk wisdom. Those hipstah fishahmen won’t catch a thing and enforcement will be much cheapah than it evah was for any quota system.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corporate lawyers are joyfully combing through the new tax code for any new loopholes for their clients.

2020-10-03 14:30

Evasive Maneuvers

After a recent newspaper exposé revealed that many corporations in Random Chaos have been using obscure segments of the tax code to avoid taxation, an army of proletarian protesters marched on the companies involved. Naturally, the corporations sent out their own troop of crack lawyers, and they have met in the only conceivable middle ground: your office.

  1. “Let’s look at the legal facts here, shall we?” asks May Savage, a sharp-suited lawyer opening a manila folder filled with a seemingly unending sheaf of papers. “The organisation I represent acted within the strict letter of the law and structured its assets as anybody would - in a manner to avoid the maximum amount of tax paid. Taxes are designed to reward certain behaviours over others, by offering a scheme of incentives and disincentives to those behaviours: the mere idea that a change in which behaviours to reward, and that my organisation should finance that change retroactively, amounts to legislative tyranny.”
  2. “That’s bloody ridiculous!” puffs red-faced protester, Wei Bach, blowing spittle all over his supercilious counterpart. “They’re trying to paint all of this as something that any reasonable person would do - but it just isn’t! I don’t know every inch of the tax code, and it’s not like I can get all these smug big-shots to hang around the flat and tell me how to ‘structure my assets’, or some other rubbish. They knew what they did was against the spirit of the law, if nothing else - take them for all they’ve got. It’s only fair.”
  3. “Erm, Leader?” whimpers Attila Gillard, a timid conflict-fearing Treasury Ministry employee, cowering in a fort made up of boxes of tax code amendments, “I think there’s a way out of this. Surely we can just change the law to take out the biggest loopholes, without asking companies for any back payments for laws they didn’t break at the time? It’s not a perfect solution, but at least most of the protesters will go home and leave us alone - at least until they realize the corporate lawyers are back to their usual tricks?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is a silent spring in Random Chaos.

2020-10-03 08:30

Songbirds’ Decline Ruffles Feathers

Biologists and birding enthusiasts alike are squawking over the recent yearly declines in the numbers of many migratory songbird species, particularly the Random Chaosian Breegull. After some study, the unifying factor in the species experiencing decline is that their migratory paths take them over Tasmania. Coincidentally, Tasmania is known to consider migratory songbirds a delicacy. Your cabinet has convened to discuss the matter.

  1. “Those Tasmanians must be taught a lesson!” screeches Xu Kenobi, your hawkish Minister of Defense, who has never found a war he didn’t like. “If Tasmania’s utter contempt for environmental stewardship, and our nation’s well-known love of bats...” He pauses as an aide taps him on the shoulder and whispers in his ear. He continues: “...and our nation’s well-known love of songbirds doesn’t convince you, what will? Perhaps military jets escorting the precious butterflies through Tasmania might work. If someone tries to so much as lay a hand on one of those flying fish, then we’ll bomb ‘em back to the stone age!”
  2. “I’d like to suggest another approach,” coos Carter Richardson, your more dovish Environment Minister. “Clearly we value songbirds alive and uneaten, and Tasmania does not. We just need to make Tasmania value songbirds as much as we do. What if we estimated the relevant migratory songbird population each year and paid Tasmania a small amount of chips for each migratory bird that makes it here? Peaceful and fair.”
  3. “How about none of that?” clucks Holly Yoo, your eagle-eyed Finance Minister, while poring over a report on government revenue collected through coins tossed in wishing fountains. “We can’t keep frivolously throwing our citizens’ hard-earned tax chips at every little problem. They’re just some dumb birds - let’s just leave the government out of things for once! In fact, with less songbirds we can surely cut back our budget for parks a bit?”
  4. “What if we trained the birds to stop migrating?” warbles the somewhat unhinged bird fancier known as ‘The Bird Lady’, seen wearing a giant bird costume, and whose number you’ve been meaning to give to ‘Doctor Bees’. “I love it here, and migratory songbirds should too! All we have to do is get baby birds to imprint on government handlers, and then teach the birds to fly around Random Chaos in circles. Then we’ll be able to keep them to ourselves, protect them, and give the birds the love they need all year round. It’ll be a lark!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Insurance Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the right school tie opens more doors than the right qualification.

2020-10-03 02:30

Do You Have Artistic License?

Disaster! The organizers of a charity dinner you are attending have been forced to cancel a scheduled stand-up routine by Jerry Fallon, famous comedian and headliner, because he has not renewed his entertainer’s license. During the commotion, several of the nation’s great and good also in attendance have come to your table to argue their positions on occupational licensing.

  1. “This shows why we must end licensing once and for all!” splutters Nikita Carter, Chairman of the Random Chaosian Freer Enterprise Committee. “I ask you, who do you think is best placed to decide who is qualified? Some stuffed shirt bureaucrat sitting in a comfy office in Random Chaos City or the employer? Leave it up to the free market to decide! If folks don’t think much of a plumber, electrician or doctor then they’ll vote with their chips!”
  2. “Don’t listen to this laissez-faire claptrap,” sneers consumer advocate Tina Howell, discreetly shoveling vol-au-vents into her pocket. “Occupational licensing protects consumers from incompetence and harm. We should be expanding the scope of licensing! Just look at the shoddy workmanship on these table decorations!”
  3. “My children’s babysitter doesn’t need a license to do a good job, but we obviously need to enforce certain standards for important professions where people’s lives are at stake - like doctors,” observes Dr. Carmen Perry, President of the Random Chaosian Medical Association. “The best way to protect the public and to keep out the riff-raff is to require a letter of recommendation to the licensing board from established and respected associations, such as mine.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prisoners pray grey skies are gonna clear up.

2020-10-02 20:30

The Prisoners’ Dilemma

Your secretary wakes you with a phone call at three o’clock in the morning. “Sorry to wake you, Leader, but we have a problem. The severe rainy season has overwhelmed flood defences in an isolated northern part of Random Chaos. Our engineers say we have half an hour before a storm surge sweeps through the region. Almost everyone in the area has been evacuated, with the exception of the inmates and guards at the notorious Zetatraz prison. I’ve got two officers on the line. Shall I put them through?”

  1. “We don’t have the manpower to evacuate the prison in an orderly fashion!” shouts Sasha Haskell over the sound of pouring rain. “You have to let us open the gates and give the prisoners a chance to get to high ground. Sure, some of these prisoners may be guilty of some serious offenses, but they’re still human beings and you cannot leave them to drown! Give the order; I’m sure we’ll be able to round them all up once the storm has passed.”
  2. “Tell me you’re joking!” yells Anna Ono, as you hear the heavy clang of keys being turned in old locks. “Zetatraz holds the worst of the worst. Murderers, rapists and jaywalkers crammed into every cell. If we let these animals loose, we’re endangering every innocent person in the country. They had their chance to live productive, law-abiding lives and they blew it. Let the guards lock these thugs in and escape to safety.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's children are known for being even more apathetic and cynical than their parents.

2020-10-02 14:30

Hey! Leader! Leave Them Kids Alone!

The government’s decision to oblige school children to recite the Pledge of Allegiance to Random Chaos on a daily basis is proving to be quite controversial. Some parents are upset with the inclusion of references to a major religion, Leader, and the use of language that can at best be described as ‘robustly patriotic’, and at worst criticised as bordering on neo-Nazism. They are demanding that you scrap the pledge as being incompatible with modern values.

  1. “We don’t need no thought control!” protests apparently grammatically-challenged parent Stanislawa Khan. “I’ll be damned if I’ll allow the schools to brainwash my kids into joining Leader’s fan club! Reciting this pledge is a violation of free speech and an insult to everything Random Chaos stands for. Schools should be a place of learning, not indoctrination! The children are the future, not another brick in the wall!”
  2. “I won’t have any of this dark sarcasm in the classroom!” shouts your Propaganda Minister Barbara Rikkard, while eating her favorite meal of meat and pudding. “There is nothing wrong with the Pledge, dearest leader. Don’t listen to these traitorous, anti-Random Chaosian hippies. In fact we should not only have the Pledge in schools, but also extend it to the workplace, the streets, and perhaps even figure out a way to force the people to say it at home. The most obedient and freedom-loving citizens love the pledge. Anyone who refuses to say it hates Random Chaos and anyone who hates Random Chaos is a traitor to our beloved Free Land!”
  3. “Perhaps there’s a compromise, yes?” suggests overworked fiction editor Filipe Zaius, keen to calm down the heated argument. “I agree that we should keep the pledge, but we should remove some of the more questionable phrases, and render it a little less nationalistic and jingoistic. Perhaps we could even give people multiple versions to pick from, and leave the odd space blank where people can insert their own chosen phrasing. Free speech is about choice, after all. No matter what we do someone is always going to be offended, but this is making the best of a bad situation.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, computers are allowed but only just.

2020-10-02 08:30

Mice in the Walls

After a police raid discovered an entire load of smuggled peripheral devices and computer components hidden in the plasterboard walls of an abandoned warehouse, various groups have demanded to repeal the ban of computers.

  1. “When you outlawed computers you didn’t realise what you were doing!” argues Judas Huffington, hugging an illegal laptop protectively. “These are essential machines for business! For communication! For culture! For internet po... posterity! If you’ve got any sense you’ll repeal this ridiculous ban.”
  2. “Pfft, citizens with computers indeed,” says Palutena Picard, your Minister of Records, while riffling through a cetacean-sized pile of paperwork and ringing phones. “What a preposterous idea. But as Random Chaos grows, so do our problems. There is too much data to record, too many records to keep, and too many keeps to earn. We need to allow the government - and only the government - access to computers.”
  3. “Well, I suppose we could allow some leeway,” says Wolfgang Weatherhead, your Minister of Proper Thinking. “Computers are handy for some things after all. But we should ban the internet outright - it’ll only give them ideas.”
  4. “Don’t you remember why we got rid of those devil machines in the first place?!” growls Charles de Jong, flicking beads on an abacus. “First it’s all fun and games with things like ‘pixels’ and ‘folders’ but eventually they’ll rise up against their masters and reduce us to slaves! Banning computers was a good start, but it’s time we focused on eradicating all automated technology and focus on the handcrafts like basket weaving and carpentry.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government only invests in infrastructure after a natural disaster.

2020-10-02 04:00

Yours Insincerely

Whenever disaster strikes Random Chaos, politicians have a habit of sending their “thoughts and prayers” to the victims. Although the gesture is appreciated by some, there are many who feel that the phrase is simply an excuse for politicians to do nothing.

  1. “Every time I hear a politician send their ‘thoughts and prayers’ I feel like vomiting in my mouth,” complains social commentator Cornelius McGuffin, forcefully shredding a newspaper reporting your Minister of Transportation sending prayers for the victims of a train disaster. “If you ask me, that’s their way of getting out of actually doing anything meaningful to help the victims. How about sending some much-needed aid when there’s a disaster? Or perhaps investing in some infrastructure? The people want government action, not empty platitudes.”
  2. “On the contrary, many people have told me that they have found comfort in my words when they needed it most,” replies Judi Stallone, a politician who has been known to fall asleep during government ceremonies. “There’s nothing odious or lazy with sending out thoughts and prayers. Some people find it helpful to be reminded that their government cares. What’s wrong with that?”
  3. “Since when should the government be in the business of spreading this religious indoctrination?” fumes atheist media personality Neil Brooks. “Thoughts and prayers? Oh, please! This is nothing more than the government imposing its religious beliefs on everyone else. How about the government back off with this propaganda and let people mourn in their own private way?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, would-be mescaline users often describe a crawling sensation on their skin.

2020-10-01 20:30

The Problem With Peyote

The Pangaoaoangans, an indigenous native tribe of Random Chaos, have been using the illegal hallucinogen peyote in their religious ceremonies.

  1. “Drugs are bad, mmkay,” says Julius Emkay, holding a sign that says the same thing. “I love the Pangaoaoangans, but the peyote thing is a problem. Drugs ruin lives. All drugs, mmkay? They should swap something else in. Instead of peyote they could use, say, potato. Sounds almost the same, and doesn’t hurt anyone.”
  2. Chief Hoogahooga, leader of the Pangaoaoangan tribe, takes a long draught of his peace pipe before speaking with you. “Lo, don’t you want to allow the people living in your country to practice their religion freely? We do no harm, and peyote is not addictive. Peyote brings sacred visions that guide my people, and it is impossible to practice my religion and heed the words of the spirits without this all-natural, all-herbal, plant-based substance. Please, Leader, allow a special exception for drug use when part of traditional faith ceremonies.”
  3. “Peyote comes from cactuses, right? If we get rid of the cactuses, then no more problem!” suggests your Minister of Babies and Bathwater, sparking a furious debate amongst your aides regarding the correct pluralisation of cactus. “There’s a whole bunch of fungal diseases and mealybugs that we can seed across the deserts and mountains — the problem will soon be gone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, television executives are interested in turning Leader's zany home life into a sitcom.

2020-10-01 14:30

Making a House a Home

After the street outside your personal residence proved incapable of handling a diplomatic motorcade and Random Chaos’s biggest house party at the same time, your Foreign Minister has suggested that the state procure and maintain an official residence for you to live in.

  1. “It is absolutely essential that you have a home away from home,” insists your Foreign Minister, pointing excitedly at an interior design magazine from before you were born. “Imagine if the ambassador had been run over by that party bus! An official residence would keep you and your honoured guests safe from the hooligans, the thugs, and the public. In fact, we can turn the residence into a Museum of Random Chaos’s History, with a veritable cornucopia of cultural artifacts on display. It would be a perfect reconstruction of our glory days and as an added bonus, the police can keep the kids off your lawn.”
  2. “Oh, please. I’m all for keeping government out of the bedroom, and that counts doubly for yours,” snarls libertarian and small-government proponent, Agatha Griffin, who gets worked up if the government so much as fixes a pothole. “You can drive, or take a cab, or hire a personal bus at your own cost. A house shouldn’t be any different. Since when should the taxpayers be asked to foot the bill when half of us don’t even like you? If you want to be taken seriously, go and rent an apartment in Random Chaos City with a couple of roommates. Leave us taxpayers out of it, okay?”
  3. “I’m with the anarchist, I want no part in building your ivory tower!” declares decentralization activist, Mario Murdoch, founder of several, competing local governance associations. “What you need is to really get out there and see all that Random Chaos has to offer. You need an official, open, and accessible residence. Why not get yourself a mobile home and tour it around the country, town by town, like a rock star? You aren’t too good to talk to us commoners, you know - if anything, it’s the other way around!” He spits on your desk and turns his back on you.
  4. “Don’t listen to that traitorous anarchist!” pipes up your lazy, entitled niece who just woke up from a nap on your couch. “Of course you need a personal residence, for you and your family! Imagine a grand castle, complete with servants, a hedge maze, and massive golden statues of yourself! Your home would be the envy of leaders across The Hatrackia, and anybody who complains can be thrown in the dungeons for our amusement. Just bulldoze a forest somewhere and start construction NOW!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, residents of ageing concrete tower blocks have vital renovation work stopped by Brutalism enthusiasts.

2020-10-01 08:30

A Green History Lesson

Inspired by the message of environmentalism, Gore al-Vidal — the latest scion of an old family — decided to install solar panels on his home. However, his house is also the centuries-old Summer Palace, a world-famous and highly-prized example of 18th-century Random Chaosian architecture.

  1. “Well, I say Leader, this is all fuss over nothing,” asserts al-Vidal, while inspecting the nutritional information on the side of a green juice box. “The world will be a wonderful place once everyone pitches in to save the environment. These solar panels cover all the electricity and heating needs of my sixty bedroom ancestral home. I think your government should follow in my footsteps! Put solar panels on every government property to show the world that we mean to take a stand against climate change! Think of the future!”
  2. “Simple vandalism, that’s what this is,” rages Professor Ethel Matsenjwa, a lecturer in Enlightenment history, putting her fist through a priceless stained glass window as she waves her arms around in anger. “This palace is a unique structure, with key architectural experiments in its design. To cover up the world famous tile-work would be an eyesore and an irreparable blow to historical preservation! You must maintain a list of culturally significant locales that cannot be tampered with, for the sake of posterity. Think of the past!”
  3. “Wait, why is an entire property of this size being powered and heated for just one resident?” asks egalitarian socialist Justin Snape, as he rearranges the documents on your desk into eight stacks of exactly equal height. “We should seize this and other oversized homes as state property, and reassign the living space on a fairer basis to house the homeless. Let’s face it - this wealthy landowner’s ancestors got their wealth through exploitation and violence. Meanwhile, there’s poor people living on the streets, right now! Think of the present!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gamblers that venture near secret military bases are routinely executed for espionage.

2020-10-01 02:30

Candid Camera

Outdoor survival expert Gambler Grylls was being filmed in the latest edition of Man Vs Wilderness: Untamed, when he stumbled upon a top-secret military base that even you didn’t know about. Not only did he discover the clandestine base, but he also broke into it - alongside his entire media crew - thanks to his shrewd usage of camouflage and bottles of urine. TV-broadcasted footage inadvertently shows highly-sensitive and confidential projects in the background of many scenes. With this in mind, you have decided to venture into a dark, smelly room in an isolated wing of the government offices to call a covert meeting.

  1. “There can be no mercy,” argues the gruff voice of the commander of the Random Chaos military, Gregory Barnes. “We must publicly execute Mr. Grylls and his crew. No exceptions. The government should send a message to the public! You must show them that the state will hound them relentlessly if they are caught snooping around. Double the guards, double their weapons, double everything!”
  2. “I, uh, I’m not so sure about the whole ‘no mercy’ thing,” stammers a handcuffed Gambler Grylls, with a concerned look on his face. “I mean, it’s your own fault that we found it, right? If someone stumbles upon government secrets, y’should just let them wander on. Can I, uh, go now? I’ve gotta film an episode on those venomous pigeons by tomorrow.”
  3. “The solution is obvious,” claims military strategist Marin Gonzalez. “All we have to do is come out with all of the information stored in that base - false, of course. Then, we come up with some good lies to convince the public that these secret systems are something else. Do you think we could pass these rockets off as a fireworks display?”
  4. “It’s all too much hassle,” sighs your Intelligence Minister, resting her head upon the meeting table. “You know what, Leader? We should just tell them everything. No more secrets, no more hidden military projects. Release all of the government’s confidential information into the open, and let them do what they want with it. Maybe we could crowdsource some suggestions for our new underground projects?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many of the country's largest dumps can be seen from space.

2020-09-30 20:30

Landfills Filling Up

After claims of two-headed gamblers being seen near the numerous landfills of Random Chaos, there have been calls for the government to act.

  1. “Look at that thing!” wails famous environmentalist Dixie Looney, pointing at one of Random Chaos’s largest dumps. “It’s an eyesore, a pollutant, and a damn disgrace! What we need to do is get everyone recycling their waste! What we have left we can shoot into space in specially-made space shuttles and we’ll never have to think about it again! Sure it’ll be expensive, but considering the benefits to the great outdoors, I think we should consider it.”
  2. “Ah, the expense!” moans Jabulani Shaw, government economist. “Do you have any idea what that would cost?! A much better way of dealing with this waste is to burn it and use the energy it produces to power Random Chaos’s big cities. There may be a few side-effects on the environment, but with all the cheap power coming in who would care?”
  3. “Oh come now,” says Monica Beckham, a nearby suburbanite. “There’s no need to bring all the pollution into the cities! These dumps can get a whole lot bigger you know. Just keep piling the rubbish on and we can use them as tourist attractions or something. People will flock to see how high they can climb our artificial mountains! If we run out of space, just knock down a few forests. No one will notice.”
  4. “You’re all missing the real solution,” argues Vladimir Grieg, president of the ‘Random Chaos First!’ society. “Why should we bother building landfills at all? I’m sure that there are plenty of less-fortunate countries out there who would be more than happy to take our litter in return for some cash.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former bars are desperately trying to re-brand themselves as cafés.

2020-09-30 14:30

Last Call for Alcohol?

The Random Chaos City Police Department has reported an upsurge in alcohol-related crime in recent weeks, with bar-fights, vandalism, and street violence all on the rise. Now, with a drunken city councilor involved in a street brawl with an equally drunk Brancalandian ambassador, it is perhaps time for you to intervene in the embarrassing levels of booze-fueled mayhem.

  1. “These pubs are cesspools of crime and delinquency!” rages Temperance League founder and avowed pacifist Virginia Allen, throwing a bottle full of perfectly good beer on the floor, smashing it. “And don’t forget the broken families and long-term health problems associated with drinking yourself to death! The government must ban all alcoholic drinks and shut down every last bar in Random Chaos in order to safeguard public safety.”
  2. “Maybe just a selective ban? After all, beer doesn’t get you drunk nearly as quickly as whiskey or vodka,” proposes Chun-Li Fraser, who has the difficult job of cleaning up all the messes in the Surly Wench Pub. “Just set an upper limit of 6% ABV. That way people still have a way to blow off steam, but they’ll be a little less likely to smash bottles or brawl over the gamblerball game.”
  3. “I can do... what I want... with my body,” staggers Hermes McDuck, who is already drunk at 10 in the morning. “The government should just get off my... back.” The sot abruptly falls down.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the standard government reply to any query is "there is no spoon".

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Moralistic Democracy".

2020-09-30 08:30

It’s Not Lying, It’s Post-Truth

When a senior government official was caught on camera groping an intern, your press liaison downplayed the incident by calling it an “alternative handshake” at a subsequent press conference. While the case in question was settled swiftly and discreetly, members of the professional commentariat are engaging in a loud brawl over the government’s flexible approach to facts.

  1. “This is dangerous,” argues Ivanka Hernandez, a journalist at The Random Chaos City Post, struggling to cope with mixed feelings of moral outrage and giddy excitement. “Granted, politics has always been about playing the facts a bit, but now you’re not even trying to hide it. This deliberate distortion of truth is corrupting public discourse, and will surely undermine the very foundation of our society if not kept in check. Government must be bound by law to always speak the truth, and you should set up an independent public body tasked with enforcing the standards we deserve.”
  2. “Typical slave morality,” sniggers Milhouse Parke, dropout philosophy student and manager of operations at an alt-nazi meme factory. “Instead of mindlessly enforcing the ‘truth’ of weaklings and half-men, this is a perfect opportunity for an overhaul and bringing about the complete transvaluation of all values. The elevation of feebleness has been going on for too long; it’s about time you started making and enforcing your own truths!”
  3. “The notion of any ‘one’ truth is inherently oppressive,” states Jean-Paul Leotard, a postmodernist literary critic, mostly known for his colorful scarves. “Fact is, there are only our own personal interpretations, and the world is really only the resulting diversity of particular truths. You shouldn’t get to say what’s right or wrong! There’s your policy, Leader: quit shoving ‘objective’ dogma down our throats and let everyone believe what they want about stuff.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, signs stating "You Must be This Tall to Enter" have started appearing outside retirement homes.

2020-09-30 02:30

Introducing Altengarten?

Last month, a prestigious Random Chaosian retirement home had a novel idea: combining aged care and kindergarten. The idea was well-received by geriatricians and geriatrics alike, and now participants are proposing the model be adopted across the care sector.

  1. “It wasn’t just a frivolous idea,” states trainee care home manager Herschel Svensson. “We attempted a trial run and monitored the subjects closely throughout. Every one of the elderly participants showed significant improvement in physical ability, mental health, and overall well-being. And the children learned valuable life lessons! Please Leader, implement this model of care across Random Chaos.”
  2. “Sure, the trials showed promise...” begins Melania Carr, your Minister for Science. “But only one ‘class’ of children took part, and a mere 20 seniors! How in Violet’s name that’s considered a scientific trial is beyond me. Expensive policy proposals need rigorous trials and extensive research before being implemented wide-scale. If the effects are as beneficial as its proponents claim, surely it bears further study?”
  3. “You have got to be kidding!” replies kindergarten teacher Harold Weissenegger. “If you think my precious little kiddos are better off in a musty old folks’ home, you’re insane. No-one knows anything about what old Glynis or Ernest are like with children, and these kids won’t be the experiment to find out! Youngsters belong in the classroom with structured, disciplined teaching — old people’s homes should be for old people only.”
  4. “Yesterday, I had to change four patients in the space of half an hour,” interjects Tarquin Horner, an overworked carer from Random Chaos City Lakes. “And you want me to supervise children too? Nope. If you’re going to put youngsters in retirement homes, they’ll need to pull their weight. They can do all the dirty work, like changing soiled bed linen, while us qualified carers do the proper stuff! Maybe then I can finally catch a break.” He breathes an audible sigh of relief.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians are forced to wear portable lie detectors at all times.

2020-09-29 20:30

A Comedy of Errors

A controversial new ‘biography’ based on your personal life before your rise to power has proved to be quite popular all over Random Chaos. While many are calling it comedic drivel, some are taking it quite seriously.

  1. “Everything in that book must be true,” states Efthamia Foster, the nation’s leading distributor of tin foil hats. “Why else are you denying it so hard? Now we know about the covert and underhanded negotiations you held with Brancalandian gold-smugglers!” She frantically waves a copy of the book in your face. “Tell the truth, Leader! You can’t hide from it forever! Mandate that all politicians cannot tell a lie.”
  2. “Am I mistaken, or is the author of this book the legendary stand-up comic Jerry Carlin?” points out Jake McCarthy, an amateur comedian with a knack for impersonating you. “There is no legitimate reason for concern over a couple of silly jokes. You need to find a sense of humor before one more bad pun lands a comedian in trouble. Comedy is a form of art, not a nuisance to the credibility of politicians and leaders. The government should not have a say on how we tell our jokes.”
  3. “What poppycock!” blasts Natalia Song, your red-faced Press Secretary. “Gullible consumers, which we admittedly know is a large slice of the demographic pie, will eat that thing up and hang on every word!” She takes a breath to scoff and sputter unintelligibly at another passage from the book. “We can’t provide a stage for these liars at the expense of your reputation. We must approve everything written about the government before it hits the bookshelves.”
  4. “Or we could just write your official autobiography,” advises Warwick Bowman, your extremely persuasive Propaganda Minister. “It’ll be easy to distribute it to the masses. They wouldn’t doubt a single word. Only you should decide what you want the people to know about your life, not some hack comedian with an ax to grind.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lending firms are subject to strict government regulations.

2020-09-29 14:30

Underclass Drowning in Debt

In response to an increasing number of people falling into debt and declaring bankruptcy, activists are arguing that the government should take a stronger role in protecting its citizens from loosely regulated lending firms and in helping its citizens pay off or cancel their debts.

  1. Barack Rudd, head of consumer watchdog ‘Debt-Busters’ urges the government to enact new laws: “We’ve got middle and lower class families falling victim to predatory financial institutions and plunging into debts they can never hope to repay. The government must pass legislation restricting things like interest rates to stem the tide of people losing their property to these sharks, and take an active role reviewing all loan repayment terms.”
  2. “That’s just not going far enough!” cries welfare advocate Finlay Alvarez. “The government must eliminate the shackles of debt from our good nation once and for all! What we need are vast reforms of the welfare system then we can provide these poor, downtrodden souls with money and housing, so they don’t need to take out such huge loans in the first place!”
  3. “They’re irresponsible with their money and yet they’re the victims? Call me crazy but borrowing money and not paying it back isn’t debt, it’s theft!” scoffs Kirby Freeman, representative of one of the largest lending firms in Random Chaos. “What we really need is the power to send these parasites to debtor prisons, where they can work off the money they owe through hard manual labour.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation forgives those who are big enough to admit they made a mistake.

2020-09-29 08:30

The Prodigal States

Yesterday, one of the areas that recently seceded from Random Chaos was forced to declare itself utterly bankrupt after having spent their entire budget on a gilded statue of their founder. Today, representatives from these new “states” have started reaching out to you to consider the possibility of reconnecting with the Free Land.

  1. “Oh Violet, it’s all gone terribly wrong,” bemoans ‘King’ Larry Falopian, ruler of the Glorious Eastern United Gambler Empire (population 12). “I thought it’d be awesome having my own kingdom and everything, but it’s actually really hard work! We’ve got no industry since Dave broke our woodcutting axe and even worse, every damn day I get bugged by idiots who want me to make decisions on everything from foreign policy to whether we should resize our football pitch... can’t they sort this out themselves? Please just take us back, OK?”
  2. “One little setback and you go running home to mummy,” sneers President-for-life Chloe Malik of the Democratic People’s Republic of Random Chaos City Boulevard nr. 10 (population 24), as she signs a series of executive orders. “Those weaklings over in the People’s Democratic Republic of Gambler Hills were never going to last anyway. If you really want to help all of us, then make sure we can stand on our own two feet! I think what we need here is for you to provide a forum to promote more diplomatic links, trade and military cooperation with us smaller nations. It’d help you out, and we’d love to have real toilet paper again.”
  3. “I told you at the time this was a stupid idea,” sighs Leroy Siskel, Minister for International Affairs. “These idiots are too busy fighting each other or playing at king to even begin thinking about basic infrastructure, let alone functioning toilets. Seriously, you could spit across most of these places. Nonetheless, our agents report some of them are raising armies literally dozens strong. Enough is enough, Leader: let’s welcome back the ones who have seen the error of their ways, bring out the fatted calf and all that, and send in some of our bad hombres to forcefully annex the rest of them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, escargots have lost their charm ever since they started to be called 'cooked land snails'.

2020-09-29 02:30

Can I Borrow a Word?

A group of disgruntled language connoisseurs are complaining that loan-words from the Galliennais language are ‘contaminating the native tongue of Random Chaos’. They are calling for a government sponsored language purification project, robbing you of your joie de vivre as you try to relax and enjoy your pamplemousse cocktail.

  1. “This is a disgrace!” exclaims Harold Hastings, a linguist from Random Chaos City University, slamming the latest edition of the Maxford Random Chaosian Dictionary on your desk. “These nasty Galliennais words – full of nasal sounds – have started to invade our glorious language. We should immediately launch this project in order to replace these hideous loan-words with their pristine Random Chaosian counterparts. My colleagues and I already have some suggestions on the table: ‘eggy flapjacks’ for ‘omelette’, and how about ‘hey-I’ve-seen-this-before’ for ‘déjà vu’? All we need to publish a comprehensive list is a generous subsidy on your part.”
  2. “Oh mon dieu, but this approach will not work, as it doesn’t target the raison d’être for Galliennais loan-words,” enunciates William Norman, an enthusiastic Galliennais Literature professor from Cambarry University, with visible ennui. “The Galliennais culture is superior to ours, and so is their langue, par conséquent we need Galliennais words to express high-brow concepts such as rapprochement, savoir-faire, and je ne sais quoi. The importation of Galliennais words is fait accompli, and trying to reverse this will only be a faux pas. Let us embrace and teach to all Galliennais words and linguistic diversity: vive la différence!”
  3. “Bah, humbug!” grunts bellicose General Rubio, while angrily smashing a Galliennais Merlot bottle on the floor. “We don’t have to tolerate this nonsense; let’s bomb Galliennes into the ground and colonize them. Then they’ll learn our language soon enough!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, UFO sightings are listed daily in the morning news.

2020-09-28 20:30

Close Encounters of the Sci-Fi Kind?

A recent, well-publicized UFO sighting over rural areas of Random Chaos has turned people’s attention to the skies, and what... or who... might be up there.

  1. “This event proves one thing: there are other life-forms out there,” says eccentric astronomer Charlotte Howell, “All we have to do is find them! What is the price of a few hundred radio telescopes compared to the benefit of living in peace and harmony with our brethren of the stars?”
  2. “Spies! It’s gotta be spies! A few planes or satellites from our enemies or ‘allies’ in our region,” rages General Han Perry, head of Random Chaos’s military, “The only way to keep those snoops out of our airspace is to patrol the streets ‘n skies, and shoot ‘em down! Even if they are some sort of little green aliens, a couple of SAM batteries and a few flak cannons’ll keep ‘em from abducting our gamblers.”
  3. “Extraterrestrial life-forms? Alien invaders? I don’t know why we even have to listen to such idiocy!” complains prize-winning physicist Marjorie Watts. “In my opinion, the idea of ‘aliens’ on another planet is highly unlikely, and even if they did exist, getting from there to here is technically impossible! I say we forget this nonsense and stop spending our tax chips on it. Leave this sort of foolishness to the people who attend those ‘trekkie’ conventions.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, religious epiphanies are often cited as a reason for high school drop-outs.

2020-09-28 14:30

Safe Sects

Your niece Jennifer, who reached the age of majority three weeks ago and left home the day afterwards, has finally written a letter: “Hello, blood relatives. I am safe and have found my real, spiritual family. The Society of Love are wonderful people who truly care about me. I have pledged one trillion years of loyal service and all my present and future possessions to them. If you love me, let me be happy and send me my stuff. Ta and that. Bye forever, Sister Sunny Sunshine Sunbeam.”

  1. “Jennifer has been brainwashed!” sobs your sister. “She’s been spouting mystical gobbledegook, acting distant, even reading. Now she’s gone to one of these closed communities and changed her name? These happy-clappy guitar-wielding maniacs tell naïve teenagers that they could have unending happiness and wisdom and all that bullsh... -hickey, and the wide-eyed simpletons believe it. Now she wants to give up everything, even her dreams, to be a slave forever? You must break-up every cultic group that preys on young people. Drag our children home, if necessary!”
  2. “Many insecure adolescents and young adults can be drawn to apparently friendly groups that seem to possess all the answers,” postulates your uncle and sociologist, Apu, the author of Cult Classics and Faustian Faiths. “Cults often employ ‘love bombing’, a technique where all cult members express constant affection towards a potential convert to snare them. Young people may be especially vulnerable to this, particularly if they come from troubled households. No, ahem, offence to your sister. Educate our young people to be aware of indoctrination techniques and signs, and teach them to think for themselves. Steel our youngsters against the cults in our midst.”
  3. “Cult is a word that the unspiritual and cowards use to mean a different idea,” retorts your nephew, who’s changed lately, after looking up from the brown-covered italics-titled book he’s reading. “Sunny Sunshi... Jennifer is a grown woman. Once someone’s old enough to choose their own faith, everyone should butt-out. In fact, it’s no-one’s business what any spiritually mature person believes. Someone who’s attained Truth should not be kept from their spiritual home, just because they’re a tiny thirteen months from the age of legal majority. Free supremely spiritual folks to follow our consciences. After all, there’s no ‘community’ without ‘unity’, no ‘community’ withou... why are you all staring at me?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's diplomats shake hands with those whose hands are drenched in the blood of innocents.

2020-09-28 08:30

Have War Crimes, Will Travel

A small disputed strip of land in your sphere of influence has been in a state of civil war for decades. Random Chaos has been approached by the international community to hold the first round of peace talks. Unfortunately, Colonel Idi Amore, the self-styled revolutionary in charge of the Popular Freedom Fighters with multiple warrants for war crimes against him, will have to be issued a safe conduct pass to attend the talks without fear of arrest.

  1. “The Popular Freedom Fighters are a disgusting group!” yells Malon O, a grief-stricken refugee. “They killed my father, razed our village, and ruined my stamp collection! I say you invite their jerk of a leader into Random Chaos, then you have your police arrest the monster! It’s the only way justice can be served.”
  2. “You can’t seriously be considering this!” exclaims overworked diplomat Severus Underwood. “We’ve been working for years to bring peace to this region. He may have blood on his hands, but so do the other sixteen sides in this war. A sudden power vacuum will just prolong the hostilities! We have a real chance of securing a lasting peace here, surely that’s worth overlooking a couple of mass murders?”
  3. “This really is a bind,” muses your trusted advisor Ali Cobblepot. “If we arrest him on our soil, we will forever be known as people who breach our safe conduct passes. If we let him go, we will let a wanted war criminal slip through our fingers. The solution is plain: refuse to hold the talks. I’m sure they can figure it out without us looking over their shoulder.”
  4. “We want this warlord gone, but don’t want to look bad because of it,” whispers Agent Cobblepot from behind an oversized potted plant. “Give this individual safe conduct, let him do his thing and if some kind of terrible accident were to befall our dear friend... how could you possibly have known that ceiling beam was going to fall on his head?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Corrupt Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, truancy officers have a hard time catching children trained in advanced camouflage skills.

2020-09-28 02:30

Scouting for Boys, Girls... Anyone?

The Random Chaosian Scouts, a volunteer youth group that teaches boys and girls outdoor survival skills, are reporting sharply declining numbers. The organization’s annual meet was attended by just seven and a half Scouts (as there was an unfortunate accident involving a canoe made out of recycled soup cans). Some within the community are urging the government to help revive interest in outdoor pursuits among young people.

  1. “Dear Leader, we humbly beg your favor!” is spelled out in woodcraft sign language on a poster decorated with pictures of tents, trees, and wild gamblers. The Scout who brought the poster into your office begins to explain, “Scouting has really suffered from a lack of state support. We give back to the community, learn valuable life skills, and get to socialize with other young people, all in the spirit of Random Chaosian patriotism. And with some government funding, maybe we could afford some slightly less frayed guide ropes for our climbing wall?”
  2. “Scouting is a hobby, nothing more,” grumbles notoriously chip-pinching auditor Josh Dixon. “What’s next, are we going to start giving subsidies to model aircraft building clubs? Knitting circles? Mustache enthusiasts? Treasury funds are for essential projects only. If the Scouts can’t get by without state support, then they should go out of business like any other private organization would.”
  3. “You’re talking about ending a tradition of Scouting that goes back more than a century!” complains Otohime Lazenby, a military historian who has won several awards for exceptionally dry accounts of dramatic battles. “I got my start in fieldcraft as a Scout, just like many of our nation’s greatest heroes. The young people of today don’t know what they’re missing out on. In fact, maybe if you forced them all to join the Scouts, they’d soon see what fun it was!”
  4. “All this tradition stuff is exactly why kids aren’t interested in Scouting anymore,” snarks your appallingly cynical niece, who only looks up from her phone to roll her eyes. “What use are badges for campfire building and map reading when we have central heating and GPS? If Scouting taught some more modern skills, maybe you’d have more young people interested.”
  5. “If it’s just a matter of money, then perhaps I can be of assistance?” oozes industrial magnate Wojciech Santiago, looking up from an Ayn Bland e-book. “My firm has offered to sponsor the Scouts before, but unfortunately those pesky child safety laws have prevented us from offering them a truly rounded experience. What youngster wouldn’t love the chance to go sailing in a MaxCorp-branded dinghy, or hiking in a pair of new Zephyr Holdings-sponsored walking boots! Or even gain a little practical experience and valuable life training volunteering at our steel mills?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, amorous nobles always bring the same disappointing gift to weddings.

2020-09-27 20:30

Seigneurs Demand Rights

Eager nobles have lobbied the government for the right to bed all maiden brides on their estate.

  1. “It ought to be my right, as ancient lord and owner of this land, to lie with every beautiful newlywed woman,” insists decrepit and oddly fusty-smelling noble Freddy Parkarvarkar, as he leers at Beautiful Brides Monthly. “It’s an honour for them, really. We’re blessing these lowly serfs with our precious time and the chance to bear our b... blessed children. We should be able to do as we wish with our feudal property, including the serfs. If they wish to complain, they only have to talk to their designated authority... which would be us.”
  2. “This is disgusting!” cries new bride Virginia von Bismarck, as she storms up to you in a multi-tiered bell-shaped wedding dress that gets jammed between the wall and your desk. “How could you even consider doing this? Just because the guy’s got a title, he expects... ugh! I’d say the idea’s ‘medieval’, but even they didn’t sanction this. It’s barbaric, it’s criminal, it’s just plain wrong! Send these old creeps to jail for even mentioning this revolting idea, and revoke any so-called privileges they already have!”
  3. “We still have a nobility?” asks bemused socialist Bongani Croft, as he sketches a guillotine on a pad. “I thought we were over that by now! Why does anyone get to be a lord these days? You aren’t born better than me just because your ancestors stole some land. I say we abolish the whole archaic nonsense of nobility altogether. That way we can finally be a truly modern, progressive nation.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosians are fixin' ta comma any way they wanna.

2020-09-27 14:30

A Lack of Comma Sense

After your highest-ranking legislative aide dedicated his new memoir to ‘my parents, Leader and Maxx’, unreputable news sources, the Gambler Gazette and the Random Chaos Times have been harassing your office incessantly about nepotism in your administration. An assortment of advisers have met with you over some bamboo soup to discuss this serial issue.

  1. “The serial comma avoids ambiguous meanings,” says ghostwriter Peggy Gilbreth, while picking the bay leaves from among the shoots. “Had there been a comma after ‘Leader’ but before ‘and,’ the intended meaning of the sentence would have been obvious. Hopefully, you can see why our government needs to create and maintain a mandatory style guide. The point being is that this initiative should be funded right away! After all, it’s best to write safe.”
  2. “The serial comma can just as easily add ambiguous meaning, and just takes up space unnecessarily,” replies photographer Xanatos Miller as he tries to shoot the leaves before he eats. “Don’t you find its usage to be not correct? And are you ready to convince the taxpayer of the extra expense they will be taking on? Because that’s what you will have to do.”
  3. Your Pear Phone suddenly starts vibrating as you receive the following text: imho we dont ned ne govt stile gide or grmmer or cursvie... mind ur own busnss... we type how we type... mabe the govt shud lern our way... idk idc whatevs ttyl
  4. “Punctuation is but a way for the elites to once again restrain the exchange of free ideas,” begins noted windba— “in order to further hold down oppress and smother and stamp out the honest working men and women of this country into a state of utter and complete impotence,” he continues, “so that the entitled and ruthless would be leaders of this world could sit in their castles built on the backs and labor of the commoner,” he continues further, “and smugly judge and spit on them in disdain but to that I say no we shall not take on your shackles and chains of punctuation as we will not be bullied into constrained or controlled or ignoble speech...” showing no sign of stopping, he is gently nudged out the door by your guards and — surprising no one — continues as he leaves.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Gallery of Amusing Cat Photographs is the most popular museum in the country.

2020-09-27 08:30

Museums: Things of the Past?

A televised news exposé on the public’s shocking ignorance of national history was almost thwarted when journalist Murray Shafer couldn’t find any visitors to interview at the Museum of Random Chaosian History. The report instead aired as a folksy monologue. Within sixty minutes, your office was besieged by all kinds of people who claim to have found the perfect solution.

  1. “The younger generations are bored with the current offerings,” says recently-graduated psychologist Shigeru Reed, as he looks up from his phone for a split second. “When I visit the Museum of Random Chaosian History, I don’t just want to stare at some ancient objects. What we really need is interaction, and the best way to provide this is through technology. Children are more eager to learn when you use video clips and games to explain history. Imagine being chased by holographic velociraptors at the Museum of Natural History! That would be money well spent, in my opinion.”
  2. “The real problem is that the average adult appears to have forgotten everything they learned in school,” asserts self-proclaimed aristocrat Angus Wynne, while swinging around his wine glass and staining your carpet. “In fact, most people seem completely ignorant of whether Random Chaos even existed before you became our leader! How can you expect them to visit museums without an appreciation for history that is repeatedly inculcated throughout their lives? We need to increase government funding for ongoing adult education before expecting the common people to enjoy visiting a museum.”
  3. “How can you expect anyone to visit Random Chaosian museums?” asks Erica Elgar, who entered your office in search of the nation’s only wi-fi connection. “Face it. Random Chaos doesn’t have any interesting museums. The Museum of Regional Geography? The Historical House of Hammers? The Gallery of Automobile Manufacturing? Come on! The fact of the matter is, the museums are boring. There’s nothing but mundane themes, dull exhibitions, and tiresome pieces. Let’s build some new, up-to-date museums with things we’d all like to see.”
  4. “Why bother?” moans known troublemaker and small-government enthusiast Judas Lovegood, who managed to slip past security. “Museums are a waste of time and a symbol of stolen taxpayer money. Let’s just get rid of them all. No one cares about some dusty old things in cabinets. They distract from real matters, like the fight against oppression by the government. WAKE UP PEOPLE! FREE YOURSELVES!” He continues shouting as security drags him away.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cricket farmers use magnifying glasses to fit every member of their herd with tiny tracking tags.

2020-09-27 02:30

Bugging Out on Beef

A school in Random Chaos recently made headlines for farming crickets, mealworms and other invertebrates for consumption in the cafeteria. As the surprisingly professional and detailed science project write-up cited relatively low levels of greenhouse gas production involved compared to traditional pastoral farming, environmental activists are agitating the national government for action.

  1. “You know, if you all were a little more open-minded to chomping down on critters, we’d be better off. Once you get over the fear factor you’ll start pounding these babies down your esophagus by the handful,” says Can You Eat It? contestant and professional snowboarder Bruno Elgar. “They’re super efficient at converting plant feed to protein and, like, way better for the environment! We should stick some funds into farming and slap some regulations on Big Cow and Big Chicken!”
  2. “Insects? On my dinner plate?” squirms health inspector Hermione Lovegood, consulting a thick tome. “Well, there isn’t any legislation as such that bans the eating of insects, but if we’re going to start farming these critters then we’re going to do it by the book. It has to be humane and hygienic, with proper documentation of all livestock, a chain of providence from field to slaughterhouse for each individual, and mandated minimum living space.”
  3. “Are you kiddin’ me? I’d rather eat cow dung than pop one of ‘em nasty crickers in my mouth,” worriedly proclaims foodstuff trucker Mario Shongwe. “I’ll stick to eatin’ thick, juicy...stea...” he trails off at the sight of a roadside cafe. “Anyway, in this country we don’t eat that trash - we have standards. Stick to pumpin’ out cows, chickens, and all those glorious mammalian meat-sacs of the Earth for Random Chaosian barbecue. Hell, let’s raise more!”
  4. “He is right, but chooses the path of the gluttonous and unclean,” intones Shelia Bender, sporting bright yellow robes and a sunflower headdress. “Vermin are forbidden by our holy verses for mortal consumption as they are agents of pestilence and disease. Consuming the flesh of animals of the land and sea is also forbidden as they are our fellow brethren. For the sake of our immortal souls, we must ban the consumption of animal flesh entirely.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children are seen fighting in the playground for bread scraps that fall out of diamond-encrusted lunchboxes.

2020-09-26 20:30

No Such Thing as a Free Lunch

A recent front page news story reported that “up to 10% of children may be skipping school lunches because they can’t afford them”. The journalist has since admitted that the phrasing of this reporting might have been slightly misleading, but insists that it’s technically true, and is leading a national campaign for you to introduce free school meals for young children.

  1. “My poor babies are starving,” says Kirby Kim, the journalist in question, and a father of four, as his butler trails behind him with shopping bags full of designer clothes. “I’ve got bills to pay and costs to meet: the government has a responsibility to put good food on my children’s plates!”
  2. “Now hold on a minute,” interrupts Lady Carrie Roberts, adjusting her platinum-rimmed tiara. “Parents only have a responsibility to provide for their own children, not anybody else’s. Why should the government spend my money feeding the sprogs of peasantry? If they don’t want their children to starve, they should work harder, and make more money. The cream rises to the top, don’t you know?”
  3. “Other things rise to the top too,” retorts Kim Zimmer, a low-paid sewerjack who knows about these things. “Look, free meals should be for them that haven’t got moolah, like my kids. You think I like feeding them fried junk food? I don’t, but it’s all I can budget for. You should have vouchers for meals that parents can apply for if they’re poor enough. Schools - and indeed, supermarkets and restaurants - could be obliged to take these vouchers in lieu of cash, then take these vouchers back to the government for reimbursement. Yeah, it’s a bit more complex than a one size fits all approach, but it’s fairer.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people can often be seen driving to work in war-surplus tanks.

2020-09-26 14:30

Guns or Butter?

After years of costly military build-up, the military now has a state of readiness capable of responding to all threats, both foreign and domestic. There is extensive debate among government officials, the military, and the average citizen over what, if anything, should be done with this powerful asset.

  1. “No one even thinks to look at us funny now,” says Field Marshall Lionel Mandrake as he taps a swagger stick against his hip. “So think about how they’d act when the military is in proper charge of the country? We’d say jump, and they’d jump, by jingo. Oh, and if you don’t agree with me, consider this a coup.”
  2. “There’s no point in having a military this size when our closest adversary has a water pistol strapped to a scooter and calls it an armoured brigade,” says noted economist Tabitha Fforde. “Besides, the military’s been getting uppity with all its funding anyway. Slash its budget, sell off its surplus, and put the money into tax relief and... of course... maintaining all those contractors. Sure, they won’t make tanks anymore but they can sure make plenty of commemorative plates with all that money!”
  3. “The military is too powerful!” cries famous peacenik Elvis Gandhi, smelling of petrol and holding a Zippo in one hand. “All those tanks and bombs threaten us and the environment - we’re number one, and someone’s gonna try and take us down because of it! The people are tired of eating grass soup so the army can get another stealth ICBM launching flamethrower tank. Cut military funding and rebuild our schools, hospitals, welfare, and environment... or else!” Upon which he flips open the lid of the lighter threateningly.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, social care for the elderly consists of a self help leaflet and a kick on the backside.

2020-09-26 08:30

A Day to Remember

Last week, your aides scheduled a meeting between you and a renowned former stateswoman of Random Chaos. Unfortunately, due to her long-standing battle with Alzheimer’s disease, the meeting left something to be desired, bringing the once-forgotten issue of dementia treatment in Random Chaos back into the spotlight.

  1. Marjorie Whedon, the stateswoman with whom you met, expresses her concerns to a nearby aide, whom she appears to have mistaken as being in charge. “Once upon a time, I would have been running this Free Land, but now I’m... I’m... What was I saying? Oh yes… Some folk like me might need day centres, and help round the house. I’m fine, but what I wouldn’t mind is more attractive nurses like that cutie over there.” She winks in your direction.
  2. As she leaves, the aide she was talking to rolls her eyes. “Surely it can’t fall to Random Chaos to give people like Whedon handouts. If these old farts haven’t planned for inevitable cognitive decline, that’s their fault. Cut all aged care funding, and if people can’t manage — well then, I guess it’s just too bad.”
  3. “Hang on, hang on. Whatever happened to having a caring family?” interjects your aunt, who is herself advancing in years. “When I was young, we used to care for our parents through thick and thin! This country needs more reinforcement of the traditional family values, which means the young loving and caring for their elders. We should make the elderly legal dependants on their children, to make them pay their parents back for raising them.”
  4. “Y’know, there’s another solution to this problem,” whispers your ever-present Minister for Creative Solutions, sharpening a straight razor on a whetstone. “These people aren’t contributing to our economy, so why don’t we make a few government cuts, if you know what I mean.” She waves the blade menacingly.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has stated an intention to min-max its stats for 'teh pwnage'.

2020-09-26 02:30

Hobby Lobby

A recent poll has suggested that many ordinary people don’t consider national leader Leader to be very ‘relatable’. Your advisers are perplexed as to the reasons why, and have suggested that taking up a hobby might boost your ratings, as well as tell the people what sort of person you are.

  1. “Everybody in The Hatrackia loves basketball,” exaggerates famed athlete Kim Stephenson, dribbling on your carpet. “Catch! Pass it here! Look at that: Nothing but net.”
  2. Dance instructor Tarquin Burke waltzes into your office. He takes your hand and begins a foxtrot. “Isn’t this invigorating? Come, let me teach you to pirouette around delicate situations you may encounter.”
  3. “Crikey!” nature documentarian Wendy Head exclaims, creeping into your office. “What we’ve got ‘ere is a politician in its natural ‘abitat. If only it would get outside and let its wild side out, it wouldn’t have near so many national crises to deal with.”
  4. Your nephew appears and rolls a set of dice on your desk. “According to my manual of Castles & Kobolds, I just rolled a 20 on my Charisma-check for you to game with me. Come on, we need a healer: got a fizzy Eckie-Cola here with your name on it.”
  5. Flat-cap wearing Heritage Locomotive Enthusiast Barack Palpatine snorts in laughter at the geekiness on display. “You’ll be wantin’ a proper hobby: model engines, to show yer love of craftsmanship, and of steel, steam and smoke.”
  6. “Just tell them your hobbies are reading, and walking, and socialising,” suggests CV-writer Herschel Vega. “That way nobody can judge you or form conclusions about you.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, class action lawsuits have gone up in smoke thanks to government interference.

2020-09-25 20:30

Big Tobacco in Big Trouble

For the third time this year, a group of cancer survivors and bereaved family members have come forward with a class action lawsuit against big tobacco companies in Random Chaos. Their claims are that the tobacco industry knowingly produced products that are harmful to the public’s health, and they are demanding compensation.

  1. “Do these tobacco companies have no shame?” cries Wendy Garza, holding up a picture of her father who died from lung cancer. “These people willingly promote and distribute products that cause cancer and many other illnesses. We’re simply taking action against these corporate murderers. They must pay out compensation to claimants or their estates and you must make sure that the law makes corporations responsible for the dangerous goods they produce. Don’t let my father’s death be in vain!”
  2. “These lawsuits are destroying the industry!” wails Clara Meier, CEO of tobacco giant Maxboro, displaying stained yellowed teeth, and tugging at hair that falls in clumps to the floor. “It’s not our fault if people willingly purchase our products and enjoy the smooth, refreshing taste of a fine Maxboro. They chose to put the cigarettes in their mouth, they lit them up! Why should tobacco companies be fined because some idiots didn’t read the labels? I’m getting tired of this damn government telling us it’s our fault what people do with their bodies. Today it’s smoking; tomorrow it’s anything else the government deems bad for you. This madness must end! Down with the nanny state!”
  3. “Maybe we can reach some sort of arrangement,” suggests legislator John McWayne. “What we need is some sort of settlement agreement, where the big tobacco companies agree to curtail some of their more aggressive marketing strategies and to pay the government in perpetuity a negotiated annual sum to offset the costs of healthcare and to fund anti-smoking initiatives. In return, we’ll agree not to support or allow class action lawsuits of this nature. Industry gets to carry on, but they’re held responsible for the damage they’ve done. Everybody wins.”
  4. “We wouldn’t be having this discussion if we had banned smoking in the first place,” argues your Health Minister. “Did you know that smoking is the second largest risk factor for death and disability globally? Health care costs are skyrocketing, and smoking-related morbidity accounts for billions of hours of lost productivity annually! Any idiot can see the incredible dangers of smoking. It is in the public’s best interest to ban tobacco completely. We can live without smoking. We can’t live without breathing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, city workers have declared that rolling markets aren't good for business after all.

2020-09-25 14:30

Sales on Rails

Commuting train passengers are complaining about unofficial vendors trying to sell things to them.

  1. “These people are annoying and outrageous,” screams commuter Britney Clarke, getting so far into your personal space that she is treading on your toes. “I ride the metro every day to go to work, and I’m constantly harassed by these noisy vendors! I have to yell down my phone so my clients are able to hear what I’m saying. You have to ban all vendors from trains immediately!”
  2. Freelance vendor Genghis Johannsen strides into your office confidently, carrying a box of crackers. “I sell dem crackers on trains and buses every day, and dat’s how I make a livin’! People buys dem too, so clearly they wants me there! I reckon dem government should get outta’ the way and let people earn a few chips.” He waves a small bag of ROTS® crackers in your face. “Buy dem now, buy three get one free!”
  3. Late to the meeting, and with a messy stack of disorganized papers in her arms, your Minister of Finance shows up. “We must acknowledge that a sizeable portion of some citizens’ incomes comes from these entrepreneurial activities, but equally, we should have some level of regulation by selling official retail licenses, which in turn will boost the national treasury. After all, we deserve our share. These are free samples, yes?” She helps herself to a bag of crackers, and walks out.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens live in superstitious fear of the mysterious glowing clouds that float over Random Chaos.

2020-09-25 10:00

Build Bigger Bombs, Advise Scientists

Top military designers in your secret laboratories have proposed projects to create nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons and are looking to you for government support and funding.

  1. “This is a necessary step towards the creation of a safer Random Chaos,” claims Willie Levi, the leading researcher. “Yes, it will mean large areas of land will become unusable as a result of the testing, and it will cost billions of chips, but that’s the price we must pay for our national security. Just think of the power we will have if we can turn our enemies into plate glass!”
  2. “Why stop with making weapons for ourselves?” asks Carter Schmidt, CEO of Wendy’s Weapons Stores. “We can sell them to all sorts of groups and organisations: other nations, the WA, terror- uh - freedom fighters, anyone! And we produce our own for our protection. Think of the money we can make! I’m sure none of our clients would ever even think of trying to use them to influence our government with threats or anything like that!”
  3. “You want to bring NUKES into Random Chaos?!” screams anti-nuclear protestor, Hope Bacon. “This won’t make us safer - it will just give the power to destroy everything to a few people! We must hunt down the people who suggested this evil plan and have them hanged! We must protect nature from the horrible influences of science. I say ban all new weapons research!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the national water supply has entered detox.

2020-09-25 02:30

Water Palaver

The last remaining health advocates in Random Chaos have approached your office with a list of grievances about the “special additives” your government has placed in the water supply.

  1. An aging punk rocker with faded tattoos of X’s on her hands argues, “The government adding chemicals to the water was a terrible idea. Forcing us all to drink these things against our will; that’s a breach of bodily autonomy. People should be allowed, at least, to choose to opt-out of this harebrained program. Sure, providing PURE bottled drinking water to the citizens who want it would increase taxes, but think of all the jobs it would create! With clean hydration, our nation could accomplish so much more.”
  2. “Duuuuuude, we didn’t go far enough,” wheezes Jiang Kimmel, creeping into your office from an open window. “It was a great idea to put chems in the water, and it’d be an even greater idea to get some feel-good drugs into the cocktail. Everybody must get stoned, man; it’s like that song. Now, it is a shame and an outrage, dear leader, that users of certain socially stigmatized drugs continue to be left out in the cold. It isn’t fair that people who like to drink the tap water get it for free, while I have to spend my hard-earned chips importing rare diamondback licking-toads. The government should add more highs to the supply, man! Subsidize recreational drug use!”
  3. “So many voices. So many opinions. So many options...” intones your sinister intern, Nosipho Roberts, shrouded in kretek smoke. “Some people need drugs to keep them calm and supporting our party. Others need drugs to feel good when they inevitably get stuck in miserable, pointless, dead-end jobs. Others, still, might benefit from drugs that help them go berserk on the battlefield. Naturally, government officials such as myself would benefit greatly from enforcing, shall we say, selective sobriety. Best of all, we could harness the power of addiction! People would have to listen to us - or else!”
  4. “That sounds... downright frightening,” shudders Wil Zoidberg, your medical advisor. “If I may be honest, I think we went too far when we laced the public water supply. I’m not saying we should ban anything, but we really shouldn’t force anyone to ingest these substances. People shouldn’t have to collect rainwater if they just want a refreshing drink.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign policy is mostly just to smile and hope for the best.

2020-09-24 20:30

Externalities Palmed Off

A sunny neighbouring nation with a developing economy has been burn-clearing large swathes of rainforest to gain land for palm tree plantations. Weather conditions have carried the thick pall of smoke from the burning across a narrow sea strait, and into Random Chaos.

  1. “The smog is affecting the young, the elderly, and the sick,” notes your Minister of Civic Welfare, as she holds a rose-scented handkerchief over her nose and mouth. “We have to send a strongly-worded letter to their government to request that they do something to stop the parties responsible, if they’d be so kind. I’m sure that with their own citizens being affected, and with us pointing out the ecological damage they’re doing, they’ll take everything into consideration and choose to be reasonable.”
  2. “They aren’t going to respond to that! They don’t care if their own citizens drop dead in the fields, they’re cynical profiteers who only care about the bottom line!” fumes Luke Bautista, the Minister of Trade and Industry. “Let’s embargo all their palm oil products and encourage all our allies and major trade partners to do the same. That’ll teach them!”
  3. “Teach them what? That we care about abstract concepts like ‘diplomacy’ and ‘dialogue’?” rebukes Sarah Graves, a hawkish Air Force Commander, pounding her fist into her open hand for emphasis. “It’s clear that they won’t fold easily when there’s so much profit at stake, but if we bomb the government, whoever is still left will accede to any of our demands.”
  4. “And what will that achieve? Decades in a never-ending war, that’s what!” mocks Angela Mulder, a slightly deranged scientist, who is staring intently at a snowglobe. “Instead, let’s build a protective acrylic-glass dome over every city, and connect them via enclosed tubes. We won’t have to care about the haze, difficult neighbours, or even climate change ever again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens applying for their first jobs face fierce competition from the homeless.

2020-09-24 15:00

The Trouble With Hobos

After several complaints of the tripping hazards presented by sleeping bags on the doorsteps of public buildings, the citizens of Random Chaos have brought the problem of homelessness to your attention.

  1. “To be honest, I’d just like a place to stay,” says a scruffy man who’s been living under your desk. “Somewhere I don’t have some landlord breathing down my neck all the time. If the government could see fit to build some kind of free hostel where people could go if they’ve fallen on hard times, well, that’d be just great.”
  2. “You can’t possibly think that’s a good permanent solution!” cries Gabriel Ono, coordinator of the local soup kitchen. “What these people need is help to get their lives back on track. Yes, they have the right to a place to live, but they also need an honest job to pay for it. They need to be encouraged to work to become integrated into society again! Require the nation’s industries to create some basic jobs for these poor souls, and soon they will become pillars of the community!”
  3. “And who do you suppose pays for all this?” snaps Lucina Vangelis, one of your advisors. “Your loyal taxpayers, that’s who! People who actually work for the things they have! And let’s face it: these vagrants bring it on themselves - frittering their money away on rubbish and rollicking in unemployment while the rest of the world slaves away to make ends meet. They’re worthless scum and they gave up their ‘rights’ a long time ago. I say we leave them to their misery until they become a nuisance, then have them dealt with like any other criminal.”
  4. “As far as I can see, homeless people are already a nuisance,” says Samuel Contri, a proud citizen. “They’re mostly thieves and drug addicts, they make the streets a dangerous place for our children, they make honest people feel guilty for turfing them off their doorsteps and, frankly, they smell bad. They’re vermin, plain and simple, and as such, I suggest they be destroyed before the infestation gets even more out of hand.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the space program has been scrapped in order to focus on more terrestrial pursuits.

2020-09-24 08:30

Orbital Armageddon?

The space research organization in Random Chaos has requested more government funding for space-related research and development, and the possibility of creating orbital weapons platforms has become a topic of intense debate.

  1. General Anakin Sandler says, “We should spend more. But not just on exploration. We should start developing Orbital Weapons! Space Marines! Armed Spacecraft! We would rule the region, and look cool doing it! Just divert some funding from environmental protection, and BAM! Sci-fi goodies!”
  2. Noted scientist and pacifist writer Emma Aran thinks otherwise, “No! Space is a place for peace! It’s the only place left we’ve got that we haven’t screwed up. Oh, the space program still needs funding, don’t get me wrong, but none of this ‘military in space’ stuff will do! We ought to divert funding from the military to education and space research instead!”
  3. Fringe group leader Josh Gaudí disagrees, “Space is a total waste of time. We should spend more on stuff people actually CARE about. Like protecting the environment! Forget that fancy-schmancy space station!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Automobile Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, business owners return from long vacations to find their factories have been turned into homeless shelters.

2020-09-24 02:30

You Can’t Always Get What You Squat

After a group of unemployed students were found living in a disused furniture factory in Random Chaos City, landowners and law enforcement have become concerned with rising squatting levels in abandoned buildings.

  1. “It’s time the government took action against squatting: it’s disgusting and it has to be stopped!” complains business mogul Themba Navratilova. “These degenerates are disrespecting the factory I built up through hard work, and they have no right to trespass on it as if it were their own! Never mind that half of my buildings are unoccupied and crumbling to the ground. We should be allowed to remove squatters using whatever force is necessary!”
  2. “What’s truly disgusting is how these corporate fat cats can be so unempathetic and cruel,” remarks social democrat Barry Tin. “They’re hoarding abandoned old buildings waiting for the property market to improve so they can make a fortune selling them off to greedy developers for luxury apartment blocks - and all the while their fellow Random Chaosians are sleeping rough without a roof over their heads! We should enact a compulsory purchase on all buildings that are unoccupied for longer than six months, and turn them into affordable housing for the homeless so they won’t have to resort to squatting in some dirty old factory. I don’t need to tell you where we can get the money from.”
  3. “Maybe you’re looking for a solution in the wrong spot,” says a voice coming from your office closet. You open the door to discover Finlay Cheyney, roasting a chunk of something indeterminate and meaty over a makeshift fire. “What’s so bad about squatting? I mean, most of the buildings we live in are abandoned or unoccupied anyway. There will always be homeless people, and the government needs to acknowledge this and give us the right to live off the land, even if it’s someone else’s. Now close the door, you’re letting in a draft.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Maxtopians are both starving and giddy after the Random Chaosian military unleashed its biological weapons.

2020-09-23 20:30

Florists Blooming Mad

Bigtopian Balsam — an invasive weed with an extremely short gestation period, rapid growth, and hallucinogenic properties — has infested the Random Chaosian hillsides. After smothering endangered wildflowers and crop-laden fields alike, a seemingly unlikely coalition of environmentalists and business owners have petitioned the government for action.

  1. “These damn weeds are out of control!” shouts the nation’s leading basket-weaving magnate, who insists on being called the Basketcase. “They’ve completely destroyed my bamboo crop and are overrunning everything else! The government needs to back off with these pesticide regulations and let us handle this problem ourselves.”
  2. “For once, I agree with my money-grubbing colleague here — in theory,” replies your constantly overlooked Minister of the Environment, Thomas Sims. “However, I disagree in methodology. All those nasty pesticides and chemicals would do colossal and irreversible damage to the environment. How about we set up a jobs program to remove the weeds and reseed the earth? It’ll be a little costly, but hey, we’ll be helping the environment and tackling unemployment! Talk about killing two gamblers with one stone!”
  3. “Eureka!” exclaims drug dealer-turned-scientist Basil Berenstein. “Bigtopian Balsam’s growth is astounding! Imagine if we utilized their genes for other crops, like wheat or corn? We could plant and harvest it within a month, feeding all of Random Chaos. That means no more importing foodstuffs from other countries! There might be a tiny chance of psychotropic side-effects, but that’s nothing compared to the economic benefits!”
  4. “Use the genes for food? HA!” laughs controversial military scientist, Fleur Guterres who, for some odd reason, has been by your side since the beginning. “Bigtopian Balsam is the perfect bio-weapon that can wipe out our enemies’ agriculture! Our extensive research shows that Bigtopian Balsam has been successful in the ‘accidental’ contamination of a few localized sites. We need more funding to begin immediate construction of a payload delivery system and your authorization for its approval. There’s no chance of retaliation either - our enemies will be too doped up to care!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the automotive industry soaks up huge government handouts.

2020-09-23 14:30

Reclaim the Streets!

Several major city streets were clogged with bicycles this morning, as the environmental group ‘Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad’ staged a protest. Several hundred riders ambled through downtown streets, blissfully ignoring the torrent of abuse hurled at them by thousands of motorists running late for work.

  1. “People are sick of dirty, smelly automobiles,” says protest organizer Barbie Yeats. “They’re choking the city, the environment—our lives! Cars must be banned!”
  2. “The only thing people are sick of is long-haired idiots riding their bicycles at two miles an hour on major thoroughfares,” says committed motorist Filipe Ephron. “People shouldn’t be able to protest like this. The government needs to crack down on them.”
  3. The Automotive Manufacturers Association, meanwhile, has called for government support. “It’s clear that we need to boost the level of automobile support in this country. This protest this morning is a clear indication of... um... anyway, we need more government funds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, theft is considered to be okay if the crime happened a long time ago.

2020-09-23 08:30

Tatty Treaty Spat Turns Catty

University scholars recently made headlines for their discovery that an antiquated treaty between the government and the native Violetstone tribe was never correctly translated into the tribe’s language. The treaty - in which the tribe agreed to give up a substantial portion of their native lands - used verb tenses which implied that the agreement was only temporary. Speakers have converged in your office from each of the four directions to give their opinion on the matter.

  1. Chief Sitting Gambler, elected representative of the Violetstone tribe, paces in front of your desk indignantly. “All my ancestors have been cheated of our sacred land by your people. How are we supposed to thrive on tiny parcels of arid land like Spruce Ridge and Leaning Rock Reservations? I demand that all that was once ours is immediately returned to us, regardless of whether the land is privately or publicly owned. It is our heritage and birthright!”
  2. “This simply cannot happen!” proclaims Sean Perkins, your Minister of Housing and Development, after Chief Sitting Gambler has returned to the sweat lodge that he constructed on your front lawn. “These people are laying claim to productive commercial and industrial zones, along with residential land that was settled by thousands of families. We cannot afford to give up these areas. So what if a few minorities get upset? We need to keep this land, for the prosperity of Random Chaos!”
  3. Your exasperated secretary hurries over to deliver a new folder of issues to you. “Obviously, we can’t just return the land; it’s too valuable to the country. But we can’t ignore these people either; they’re too large a percentage of our population to be disregarded.” Looking pensive, he pauses for a moment and readjusts his glasses. “How about we reimburse them another way? A lump sum of a few million chips should settle them down, right?”
  4. “Listen to this codswallop!” grumbles your bigoted great-uncle while jotting down a series of misspelled racist slogans in a tattered notebook. “These leeches have contributed nothing worth having to our glorious Free Land! They’re lazy vagrants who create a burden on civilized society. All they do is take drugs and commit crimes. Why not just eject them from the country? Only our race is good enough for Random Chaos!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Conservative.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, glancing at the car radio display while driving is treated as attempted homicide.

2020-09-23 02:30

Driven to Distraction

Last Friday, a heavy goods vehicle travelling at high speed ploughed into a stationary traffic queue, crushing a small hatchback and ending the lives of the mother and child within it. The twist in the tale? The driver was using his mobile phone, texting that he was running late. This isn’t the first tragedy caused by using a mobile phone while driving, but many are hoping that it can be the last.

  1. “I am father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife,” intones widower Max Meridius, his voice equally heavy with grief and rage. “I will have my vengeance. I will have justice. A vehicle is a deadly weapon, and driving it with that level of inattention is no different from shooting a gun into a crowd. This is murder, and should be treated as such.”
  2. “Look, maybe we all know it’s not good to check our phones all the time,” suggests Matt, a young government aide, his eyes flicking down to his jacket pocket in response to a message alert tone. “But, sad as these tragedies are, let’s not criminalise the population. Instead, launch a national safe driving campaign, and require the auto-industry to have hands-free mobile functionality as standard.” His phone beeps again. “Uh... Do you mind if I check this...?”
  3. “Look, using a phone while driving just takes a bit of common sense and restraint,” suggests auto mechanic Siko Stevens. “It shouldn’t be a crime in itself. Way I see it, texting and driving is a bit like leaving off your seatbelt, or eating a burger on the move, or resting one eye at a time for a semi-nap on the motorway: you should be allowed to use your own judgement as to whether you can handle it or not, and face up to the consequences only if it goes wrong.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, embarrassed police officers wear spandex and carry net guns.

2020-09-22 21:00

Vigilantes: Heroes or Hoodlums?

Your evening supper was disrupted recently when a spandex-clad man wearing a mask left a hitherto untouchable mob boss on the High Court’s doorstep before disappearing once more into the night. While some have welcomed the assistance of ‘the Dogman’, others are fearful of what consequences supporting vigilantism could bring.

  1. “He did WHAT?” shouts over-zealous police officer Jane Perkins. “The Dogman is a menace to society and an insult to the police. Vigilantism should not be tolerated, and the police should have the right to track these people down and throw them in jail. We’ll show others like him that the law cannot be taken into their own hands.”
  2. “I agree, but we’re forgetting the bigger issue,” says Police Chief Moff Watts. “It’s embarrassing really. This guy who’s probably had no police training managed to catch a criminal that some of us in the force have spent ten years trying to bring down. This whole incident clearly shows us that the police force needs new training and equipment. I’m sure that our citizens wouldn’t mind paying a little more to feel safer on the streets.”
  3. Stephanie Day, avid contributor to the magazine Anarchist Monthly, presents a different opinion. “The last thing we need is more police. In fact, I think the people would be better off with more heroes like the Dogman. Let’s face it. The police are known for corruption and brutality. Let the people take the law into their own hands, and we’ll have a utopia where issues are settled without fascist pigs telling us what we can and can’t do! It’ll be perfect, trust me.”
  4. “You all have the wrong idea,” says Graphite Lad, wearing a slender yellow spandex suit and eraser helmet. “We can’t dismiss the fact that the Dogman did us and our city a great service. That’s not something we should put him in jail for. In fact, I think the government should pay vigilante heroes for their noble deeds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, gossip magazines have been replaced by mask catalogs.

2020-09-22 14:30

Masks of Shame

A young woman recently died of suffocation after a local magistrate sentenced her to wear a traditional ‘Mask of Shame’, an archaic custom exclusive to rural areas of Southern Random Chaos. Several civil rights groups have called on the government to intervene and outlaw this cultural practice aimed at humiliating those who transgress social norms.

  1. “She was only sixteen,” growls self-proclaimed humanitarian Emile Coleman in a strong accent distinct to the East End of Random Chaos City. “These backwoods nut-cases have been humiliating people, especially young women, for centuries. Merely being accused of scolding or wearing the wrong shirt can buy you a week in the mask. They even come with a studded gag to keep you from speaking. Not many people know that. This horrendous practice must be outlawed, and we should start a thorough re-education program to stomp out all their medieval ways.”
  2. “This was just a tragic mishap; the masks are harmless,” scoffs local mask shop owner Diego Kasher, while trying on a pig-devil mask, distorting his voice into a high-pitched whistle. “In fact, why don’t you deepen our traditions? Unchecked degenerates tear asunder the social fabric and must be punished. While we have prison for the hardened criminals, I propose that we impose the ‘Mask of Shame’ as a valid form of punishment nationwide for gossipers, slatterns and other derelicts.”
  3. Noted historian and decentralization advocate Reginald Reid has another idea. “These masks might be unorthodox, but the real problem here is our official penal system. Incarcerating people in tiny spaces, regulating every minute of their day and every inch of their life, completely isolating them from society; talk about cruel and unusual punishment! These masks, and other forms of ‘public shaming’, on the other hand, are a time-tested practice for bringing about social cohesion within communities. I say it’s time government bureaucrats and populist politicians stop forcing their Random Chaos City morality from above. Abolish the entire penal system and make ‘community shaming’ the official tool for enforcing justice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, murderers frequently escape punishment by claiming they were protecting their honour.

2020-09-22 08:30

Raise Duel Standards, Say Fencers

A number of well-dressed gentlemen wearing a varied assortment of swords are insisting that they be allowed to settle their private disputes on the field of honourable battle.

  1. “We must be permitted our inherent right to defend our honour through feats of arms!” exclaims Sophie Krauss, a bewigged aristocrat sporting a particularly flamboyant swept-hilt rapier. “The right to duel is one found throughout history for the honourable settling of disputes and I must insist that my right to fight be recognised! The world would be so much better if we were permitted to sort out conflicts of interest through trial by combat.”
  2. “Swords? Heavens, what dreadful things. All sharp and pointy - quite dangerous, you know,” says Barbara Romero, an ardent pacifist. “Duelling ought to be banned! The best way to settle these kind of arguments are through judicially-supervised mediation, we all know that. If we go ahead with what these duelling nutters want, then innocent people will die! It will be a sad day when people value money more than justice. Apart from lawyers, obviously.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Politically Apathetic Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, diplomacy falls apart when diplomats drink too much.

2020-09-22 03:00

Withdrawing Diplomatic Relations

At a recent international summit in Brancaland, the Random Chaosian delegation became violently ill. Brancalandian doctors say all of them were suffering withdrawal symptoms because they were addicted to the drugs in Random Chaosian tap water.

  1. “It’s really sad to see what these drugs have done to your people,” quacks Dr. Julia Filoni of the Brancalandian Health Service. “One of your envoy’s aides almost died of hyponatremia because she drank so much water trying to get high. And that’s not even getting into long-term health effects for people that have been on these drugs their whole lives, or the developmental effects on Random Chaosian children. Please, you have to stop drugging your country’s drinking water. We can help you organize a detox program.”
  2. “Who ever heard of getting sick from drinking too much water? And what kind of nonsense word is ‘hyponatremia’?” comes the muffled voice of the aforementioned aide, sulking beneath a blanket in her hospital bed. “Everyone knows it’s important to stay hydrated. I’m not addicted to anything, and it’s obvious this is all just a cover story to hide the fact that someone poisoned us! We need to pull our diplomats out of Brancaland for their own safety and send those nasty Brancalandians a strongly worded letter!”
  3. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! There’s no need for that!” interjects your Foreign Relations Minister, who downs a glass of water. “Our people just need a taste of home to keep them from getting, uh... homesick! We’ll just have to make sure all our diplomatic representatives bring a large supply of Random Chaosian drinking water everywhere they go, and warn them against drinking the local water in any of the countries they visit! Maybe we can do this for all our other citizens who go overseas, like tourists and students.”
  4. “Okay, the diplomats are important, but providing safe water for all of our citizens abroad would be a logistical nightmare!” asserts a jittery and paranoid government bureaucrat, twitching occasionally as she talks. “My commiserations to the students and tourists, but international travel has to be limited to official government business so we can make sure nobody leaves the country without adequate supplies.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, health-conscious denizens drink their dogs' water.

2020-09-21 20:30

Of Mice and Meth

A growing number of citizens are reporting sightings of strange animal behavior since the nation’s water supply was drugged, ranging from carelessness and daredevilry to frantic dancing.

  1. “You guys are the greatest in every way — especially you, dearest Leader — but this contamination is destroying our environment!” exclaims recreational urban habitat observer Eobard Black, sipping from a completely safe glass of government-approved tap water and dribbling some on the floor in his excitement. “My colleagues and I all witnessed a colony of mice baying at a statue of you. Of course, I see something like that every day... but we all saw it this time! I’m sure you could cut the dosage of drugs in the water down to a safer level and people would still love you!”
  2. “Whoa, who cares about, like, a few pesky rats? This water is, like, poisoning our pets, dude,” says Kristy Hadfield, an enthusiastic pet lover who was particularly thirsty this morning. “You don’t have to, like, stop stoning the water, but maybe you should sell some safe water specifically for pets or whatever. You could even make it taste funny to make people not wanna drink it. Then, like, maybe my bunnies won’t try to breathe water anymore.”
  3. “Listen to this buffoonery-talk of baying rodents and suicidal rabbits; it’s obvious there is a problem, but not just with animals,” rants Rex Nguyen, a sociologist who’s secretly been drinking pond water. “Drugging our water supply is truly despicable, and you bottom feeders must stop it at once! It is hurting our environment, as it is hurting our civilization, and whoever told you this was a good idea is frankly pond scum. I-” He coughs up a little minnow.
  4. “Listen to these dissidents; the drugs clearly aren’t powerful enough!” exclaims your Minister of Crowd Control and author of the internationally condemned book H2Whoa: Random Chaosian Utopia. “If anything, we’ve got to dump MORE into the water supply! So what if a few people start reacting like the animals? A few people howling at the moon now and then is much less dangerous than letting them think.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chemically brainwashed citizens praise Leader's name on an hourly basis.

2020-09-21 14:30

Got Democracy?

As waves of pro-democracy protests continue in The Hatrackia, with several actually toppling long-standing regimes, your advisers fear the protests could soon hit Random Chaos. An emergency conference has been called to discuss the looming crisis.

  1. “We must crack down hard on all rebels who dare to betray our beloved nation!” roars Rosalia Adams, head of the Random Chaos State Police. “We must use whatever force is necessary to prevent these protests from happening here. Specifically that means roving death squads and informants monitoring all anti-government activity to shut them down before they revolt. So long as Leader is our ruler, treason shall never go unpunished!”
  2. “Atrocities would only give these protesters more motivation to rebel,” quickly counters Agnes Fox, your Propaganda Minister, while reading through socioeconomic figures. “Some of their complaints are worth looking into, if you don’t want the wolves at the gates. Establish large-scale public works projects to lower unemployment and things will be back to normal in no time. We could hire people to build schools and health clinics and repair utilities. These protesters say they want a revolution, but I think you’ll find they’ll settle for a lot less.”
  3. “The people are angry and fed up with the system. If you want to stop the protests, you must give them exactly what they want!” dramatically declares a protester who somehow smuggled herself in through a food cart. “The time for real democracy is now!” Between screams of pain, as your bodyguards tackle her to the floor, she finishes, “By any means necessary!”
  4. After disposing of the trespasser, the meeting resumes. “We can’t allow TRUE democracy. Do you really think that the people would pick a suitable replacement for you?” says Dave McCloud, your most loyal bodyguard, while sharpening a halberd. “For all we know they’ll elect some anarchist with an ax to grind! How about we let them vote, but we only permit reputable Party members to run? That gives the people the right to decide small matters, while making sure that critical issues are left to our Party veterans.”
  5. “I have an unorthodox way to solve this once and for all,” suggests your questionably sane Interior Minister, playing with a chemistry set despite the gravity of the meeting. “Instead of all that ‘populism,’ why don’t we infuse the water supply with, I dunno, sedatives or something?” He grins maniacally. “Imagine how easy it would be to control the citizenry! Put the right drugs in the water, and I’m sure you’d have zero dissidents. Think about it: you could abolish all those superfluous legislatures and make yourself Random Chaos’s absolute ruler.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only criminals carry guns.

2020-09-21 08:30

I Shot the Sheriff

Recently, the Sheriff of Gambler County was shot dead, seemingly without any motive. Further investigation revealed that the shooter had legally purchased a gun two days before, but had a history of severe mental illness, psychotic breaks, and paranoid delusions. Now, the process of purchasing firearms is being questioned.

  1. The shooter, Ivan Shore, swears that the killing was in self-defense, and strokes his teddy bear. “Me and Mr. Higgins here felt threatened by the police officer, so we had to defend ourselves somehow! You take away my firearms, and you’re taking away my safety! You start telling me I can’t have a gun because you don’t trust me, and BOOM, it’s slippery slope, all the way down to absolute tyranny!” He reaches for his sidearm to shoot you down, then remembers he has been disarmed. “Oh dear, Mr. Higgins, they’re eroding our liberties. You’re right, Mr. Higgins, that’s not good at all...”
  2. “Safety? You’re worried about your safety around the police?” asks Gambler County Deputy Sheriff Birgitta Bennett. “We’re the police force, for goodness sake! We protect the people! There I was, observing the town, waiting for a report and enjoying a bagel, then this madman shoots the sheriff dead and takes a pot shot at me too! Look, nobody is saying that people shouldn’t be allowed guns, but isn’t it reasonable to require a background check, a review of medical records, and a gun licensing system?”
  3. Ganondorf Grossweiner, local mall-goer and spoiled teen, offers a different solution. “Why don’t we just make a law that guns, have to be, like, really expensive? It’s not like those crazies are going to have a good job or anything. That way, only people who, like, are responsible members of society can get a gun.”
  4. Lucina Nagasawa, editor of Socialist Random Chaos Magazine blows a raspberry at that idea. “What kind of nonsense is that? Letting the rich have all the power over the poor? I say that only the government is responsible enough to have access to firearms! That way, we can end capitalism and... wait, sorry, wrong proposal... I mean, we can end gun crime and make a safer nation!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader has declared a weed sticking through a crack in the sidewalk to be the nation's newest green space.

2020-09-21 02:30

Why Didn’t the Gambler Cross the Road?

On a tight schedule, you’re walking from one meeting to another in a building a block away. Just as you reach the intersection you notice quite the commotion as an oncoming car slams into a red-faced gambler on the other side of the street.

  1. “What a coincidence, this is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about,” says ecology professor Ebenezer Armstrong, while discreetly sliding an empty animal cage out of view. “Habitat fragmentation, the process of the built environment splitting large areas of habitat into smaller pieces, is a blight that is checkering Random Chaos. When roads are put through habitats, the native animal populations become disjointed and less resilient. You can lose the red-faced gambler in one of these fragments without noticing, but before long, it’s disappeared from 20 or 30 fragments, and become an endangered species. You need to establish wildlife corridors and animal crossings linking green spaces across Random Chaos.”
  2. As you rush to the other side of the road to make the meeting, Khethiwe Gibson, host of Animal World, pops out of the bushes in the median. “Our cities have expanded too much. Our entire population could fit in an area half the size of Random Chaos City. If we decreased our urban footprint, the problem would solve itself without having to build a bunch of bridges! Now, I’m sure not everyone will enjoy giving up their suburban McMansions for more modest city apartments, but I think when they see those little red-faced gamblers thriving it will turn their frowns upside down.”
  3. “Both of those solutions seem a bit extreme,” yells real estate developer Rajesh Merkel from his SUV over the din of frustrated motorists now honking at you for blocking the road. “The red-faced gambler is doing fine, this whole thing is unnecessary environmental panic. Real estate in Random Chaos is at a premium already, let’s reduce barriers to development in existing parks and green spaces! Besides, I think the suburban environment is underappreciated habitat, lawns are green after all.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians look weirdly alike.

2020-09-20 20:30

The Boys From Brasilistan

A report from your Intelligence Ministry reveals that an illegal lab deep in the jungles of Brasilistan has created several clones of the infamous genocidal dictator Lee Terallihitlah, a.k.a. “the Butcher of Bigtopia,” and placed them with adopted families scattered around the world, including some in Random Chaos.

  1. “These children are a potential source of danger!” says death camp survivor Yui Chicago. “Think what would happen if one of them rose to power in Random Chaos and repeated Terallihitlah’s crimes here. They have to be put under surveillance to make sure that never happens. And if they turn out not to be as evil, then we ought to be monitoring them to protect them from those with a misplaced sense of vengeance against them. Either way, everybody is safest if we keep a close watch.”
  2. “That’s not enough!” yells Bigtopian human rights activist Dana Janeway. “What if someone marries them without knowing? What if they have kids? Terallihitlah systematically murdered millions of Bigtopians because he believed we were genetically inferior. We can’t allow his DNA to stay in the gene pool! These abominations must die!”
  3. “What is wrong with you people?” civil rights lawyer Hugo Price wants to know. “Don’t we have anything better to do than judge people by their DNA? These children aren’t Lee Terallihitlah and they haven’t done anything wrong. It should be illegal to discriminate against people based on their genes.”
  4. “Hey, like, maybe we can use this,” says controversial pop singer Britney Speer, as she bounces into your office dressed in a bizarre mix of sequins, body paint, and fascist regalia. “You can recruit the clones to work for you and have them travel the country promoting patriotism. What could possibly go wrong?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people talk about things being better when men were men.

2020-09-20 14:30

Transgender Recognition Demanded

After tabloid magazine “The Bun” outed supermodel Cho Levi as having been born male, the fashion world has gone into a frenzy, with the organisers of Random Chaos City Fashion Week barring the model from the runway. Social media has gone into meltdown with commentators from all sides of the argument demanding that the government step in.

  1. “I have gone through twenty years of internal pain about my external appearance, and I’ve put so much effort and money into finally having the world see the real me!” blogs the model. “Gender isn’t a binary proposition: gender identity is not necessarily the gender assigned at birth. I was fortunate to have private funds and supportive parents, but not all are so lucky. Please recognise my right to self-determination of identity, and help those like me get the surgery and medicine they need.”
  2. “Look, man is man and woman is woman: it’s written in our chromosomes. You can’t choose to be a different gender any more than you can choose to say you’re a gambler,” broadcasts right-wing talk radio host Louis Schmo. “Hey, a man wants the liberty to dress as a woman, I won’t deny him that: just don’t expect the taxpayer to pay for his operations and medicines.”
  3. “Well I got a problem with these cross-dressers,” spits cargo-hauler Harry Baker. “One time I thought I was hitting on this waitress at the pie shop, only turns out she was a he. Man, it sickens me. Lock dem all in an asylum till they get their heads straight!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the arms industry is backed by government subsidies and harsh anti-protest laws are in place.

2020-09-20 08:30

Arms Industry Demands Respect

Representatives of Random Chaos’s arms manufacturing industry have expressed outrage over the lack of public and private support for their sector.

  1. Interviewed by the industry’s trade journal ‘Our Weapons, Your Victory’, the CEO of Random Chaos Arms Inc, Hillary Iglesias, said: “It is shameful the way we have been treated over the last few years! Shameful! Our workers, and I tell you we have a great many of them, can barely get to work thanks to disruption by protesters and all that hippie nonsense. And as for this dangerous talk of ‘Ethical Trade Practices’, I say we need full government recognition of our vital contribution to the economy - relaxation of trade barriers, gun laws, and a crackdown on all these long-haired weirdos who try to shut us down!”
  2. “We have a right to protest against this evil business!” screams Mark Pong through a megaphone. “The arms manufacturing industry is a stain on our nation’s character and must be removed. How can we make money from the production of these evil weapons; how can we stand by and profit from the blood spilled by these abominations? The government must take a stand and outlaw the whole sector!”
  3. Your Minister of Trade advises taking a middle ground: “We can’t ban arms sales without harming the quality of our military and police departments, not to mention the economy. These hippies do have a point though - guns are terrible things in the wrong hands. We should implement additional safety checks on the groups to which the weapons get sold. That way we don’t lose too many sales, and the people are persuaded we are making a stand against nations who use the weapons for immoral ends. The arms industry get to sell their guns and the protesters get to protest. Everybody wins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader has a wardrobe full of fake designer suits.

2020-09-20 02:30

In the Black

Determined to make their point strongly, an intimidating gang of Customs Police Officers and Revenue officials have arrived at your front door with sacks full of junk: home-copied DVDs, knock-off imitation designer clothes and dodgy electronics gear. All these are illegally traded goods, seized today within a mile’s distance of your own home. The black market is out of control, they say, circumventing both industrial standards and retail taxation.

  1. “We must break illegal trade with the direct application of brute force!” roars Revenue Officer Ken Haynes, incandescent with rage. “Send in the police force! Send in SWAT teams! Destroy these outlaws and punish their customers! Undeclared trade is tax evasion, and tax evasion is rebellion. Crush the rebels!”
  2. A cockney fellow in a long trench coat sidles up to you and whips it open in front of you. To your relief, the only thing he is exposing is a selection of fake watches hanging from the inner lining. “Cor blimey, guv’nor, the black market is just us geezers exercising a bit of cheeky chappy freedom! Duzzit do yer harm? No it don’t! Duzzit make people chipper? Yes it does! Just have the old rozzers leave us in peace, and turn a blind eye or two to stuff falling off a lorry, and we’ll all be laffin’ our way to the bank. Now, would you like two Rowlex timepieces for the price of one?”
  3. “He has a point... The black market’s size is indicative of a free economy’s response to government over-regulation,” observes Gerald Oz, a far-more respectable looking businessman, presenting you with some colourful line-graphs to support his argument. “Relax those regulations, and economies of scale will allow legitimate private industry to triumph, and the proportion of economic activity dominated by the black market will likely fall. The black market is just a symptom. Wage laws, bureaucratic red tape, excessive industrial standards: they’re the real sickness.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, war criminals are given full state funerals.

2020-09-19 21:00

A Funeral for a Fiend?

Filipe Baldwin, the controversial former head of the Random Chaosian military, suddenly died in his home last night. While he was beloved by many for his unapologetic patriotism and military service, he was loathed by others for his xenophobia and alleged war crimes. He is proving to be just as controversial in death as he was in life as you have been asked to honor him with a state funeral.

  1. “He was a hero and a true patriot!” exclaims Lauren Glover, the current head of Random Chaos’s military. “Of course he should be presented with a state funeral and full honors! In fact, we should declare a week of mourning and erect a statue of him in Random Chaosian Square. Damn the expense! Anyone who disagrees is a terrorist-sympathizing, Random Chaos-hating traitor!”
  2. “A funeral for a fascist and a fiend like Filipe Baldwin? No way!” rebuffs civil rights activist Rodrigo Moneypenny while spraying graffiti over an official bust of the deceased. “Is that the message we want to send to the rest of The Hatrackia? That we honor mass murderers and bigots? How about honoring the true heroes of Random Chaos, like those doctors who worked in cancer research, or scientists who discovered new elementary particles?”
  3. “Why bother with state funerals at all?” queries Aaron Suparman, chairperson of the Angry Taxpayers Federation. “Talk about a perfectly good waste of our hard-earned money! Let the family of the deceased cover the cost of the funeral so the government can get back to more important things like lowering taxes and cutting government spending.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, ambitious "businessmen" use their children to sell and advertise their products.

2020-09-19 14:30

A Really Sour Lemon

While walking down the street, you notice a lemonade stand consisting of a few cardboard boxes, a pitcher of murky yellow liquid, and a crude rendition of lemons wrought in yellow crayon on paper. Taped to one of the boxes is a prominent notice from the local government, which states that this venture was closed for not meeting standard economic, health, and safety regulations.

  1. A small, plucky child approaches you while holding a yellow drink and a sticky cash jar that is labeled ‘Property of Isabelle.’ “Do you want some lemonade? I’ll gladly give you a cup for free!” She looks forlornly at the government notice. “The big scary man who shut down my stand said I can’t sell lemonade anymore. He said something about healthy safety reg... reg-yoo-lay-shuns. But I always use a strainer to fish out the bugs... honest! Can me and my friends please sell things again?”
  2. “Ahah! I’m glad I caught you, Leader,” shouts sharply dressed bureaucrat Sheldon Broadside while removing a copy of the Compendium of Fruit-Based Beverage Sales Regulations: Volume 8 from his briefcase. “The owner here has failed to comply with our public health policies, the stand itself could collapse at any moment, and don’t even get me started on the irregular lemon juice to sugar ratio! For our laws to be fair, they must apply to everyone. The Lemon-Ade Corporation certainly has to comply — why should it be any different for the kids?”
  3. “Don’t be such a sourpuss; it wouldn’t kill you to buy one of these, y’know,” suggests random bystander Stanislawa Hart, swiping the lemonade out of the kid’s hand. “In fact, I don’t see why children should get special treatment. As long as folks aren’t making a buttload of money off of somethin’, people of all ages should be able to sell products unregulated! And while you’re at it, maybe ease off of some of the other million business regulations that are throttling the free market.” She takes a sip from the lemonade, chokes, and stumbles backward into the cardboard boxes with enough force to smash them.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teenagers are making eye contact with each other for the first time in years.

2020-09-19 08:30

Your Wild Self(ie)

A nature photographer on assignment in the Kawandalandian wilderness caught a gambler toying with their spare camera equipment. Either on purpose or by accident, this gambler managed to snap a selfie. Upon returning back to Random Chaos, the impressed photographer began to sell copies of the selfie to interested buyers. As news of the so-called ‘smart gambler’ continues to spread, animal rights activists have raised some surprising copyright concerns.

  1. “That picture is not this photographer’s intellectual property because he did not take it,” bluntly states Jill Kamen, a philanthropist with a long record of donating to conservationist causes. “It is morally wrong that he profits from this work. While I will admit that the picture in question is intriguing, he has unfairly earned enough already. If this portrait continues to be distributed, I humbly request that all future proceeds go completely towards a good cause. My philanthropic foundation, perhaps?”
  2. “This is an affront to gamblers everywhere!” howls Ned Reagan, a spokesperson for the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything. “There is only one individual with the right to all earnings from this photograph: the noble creature who took it! That brilliant beast did the work, so they should be fully recognized for their intellectual property. I expect the necessary chips will be delivered to the wild soon, post-haste.”
  3. “Just hand that photograph over to us,” sternly orders Doctor Tabitha Wright, director of the National Science Laboratory. “This can be an amazing PR opportunity! There must be something special about that selfie-taking gambler, having the ability to photograph themselves and all. With your permission, let my team bring the star-studded creature back to the lab for testing. That photograph will become the public face of the most groundbreaking discoveries of the decade, mark my words!”
  4. “Whether Random Chaosian or beast, we are promoting a culture of selfishness and unchecked narcissism,” complains self-styled intellectual and motivational speaker Birgitta Einstein. “I don’t know where this is going to lead us, but it won’t be anything good. This selfie and ‘me first’ culture that’s corrupting our society needs to be nipped in the bud. Ban selfies and encourage people to engage with each other and their communities.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Advanced Defense Forces.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the bayonet is cutting-edge technology.

2020-09-19 02:30

An Armory of Antiques

After furtively photographing a massive military parade in Blackacre, your spies have returned with blurry daguerreotypes of the strangest of war machines. These include large bombs that can take to the air without any visible pilot, aircraft that have no propellers, and rifles that can fire many times without reloading. Concerned generals and army scientists have met to discuss the clear technological edge many nations seem to have over your own.

  1. “It’s quite obvious what the issue here is,” says Kristen Green, famed designer of the Mk 1 Gambler, a Random Chaosian ironclad tank nicknamed the ‘sardine cooker’ by its crews. “We badly need more great minds in R&D, as it is quite clear that we are currently a little bit behind in war technology. If we can provide higher wages and more incentives for weapon designers and military research, I’m sure that in no time at all we’ll have our very own high tech armaments!”
  2. “This is a clear indication that we should stick to the old ways,” counters retired General Mullins, by telegram. “If we add all these fancy new thingamajigs to our military, our soldiers will become soft! In fact, we should get rid of flying machines and armoured carriages, and focus on what really makes us powerful: spirit, courage, strength, and regiments of ten thousand men standing in a line firing muskets! Just like in the good old days.”
  3. “Look, we need to modernise, but we don’t have the infrastructure or expertise to do so,” observes your Minister of Trade, trying unsuccessfully to program his VCR. “Let’s just import new weapons from higher tech nations and employ foreign troops to use them for us against our enemies.”
  4. “Personally, I see this in a different way,” says a fashionable man wearing a blue cashmere lounge suit and matching beret, who is lounging on your windowsill. “Instead of wasting money on an ineffective military, why don’t you shrink the army and spend that money on new ways for people to enjoy themselves: parties for all-comers, new cocktails, new nibbles, and so on. Heck, we should just forget about fighting wars, and focus on what really matters: being the go-to party nation of The Hatrackia.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, airplane passenger seat sizes and ticket prices are both first-class.

2020-09-18 20:30

Cheek to Cheek

While in Random Chaos City Airport on your way to a major diplomatic summit, you observe a morbidly obese woman arguing with customer service after being charged for two seats because she simply could not fit into one. Unfortunately, in the middle of the kerfuffle she happened to notice you.

  1. “I demand you weigh in on the matter of airline seats!” angrily states the plus-sized woman while waddling into your entourage. “Here’s some food for thought: studies have shown genetics play an over-sized role in a person’s weight. Disability law needs to be expanded to acknowledge this! I may have some love handles, but I’m still just one person. I shouldn’t have to pay for two seats.”
  2. “Although Random Chaosian Air is happy to accommodate all legitimate disabilities,” states Jamil Maldonado, a big shot Random Chaosian Air executive, “obesity simply doesn’t fit the bill. People who can’t squeeze into our seats should examine their life choices. Besides, if Random Chaosian Air just gave complimentary seats to everyone who asked, our profits would fall faster than a plane in a stall.”
  3. “I have an idea!” exclaims Natalie Singh, founder of Walking Big and Tall, an obesity acceptance group. “Why don’t we just force airlines to make their seats a bit wider? That way, everyone can fit in their seats, and we won’t have a problem. I mean, sure there will be lost efficiency as less seats will be able to fit in the cabin, but that’s the price we must pay for equality!”
  4. “We should charge by the kilogram,” suggests Waylon Berlusconi, who also happens to be a famous horse jockey. “The weight of the plane ultimately determines whether it can take off and how much fuel it consumes. If I get charged for carrying excess baggage on board, it should be the same for people.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teams of painters are converting road signs from horse lengths to kilometers.

2020-09-18 14:30

Sizing Up the Competition

After a recent conversion mistake cost a government research project millions in chips, Random Chaos’s scientists have come to you begging for the country to switch to the metric system.

  1. “Our measurement system is a complete disaster!” wails renowned engineer Mary Berenstein, brandishing the odd-looking result of a recent project. “We’re stuck using primitive and illogical measurements like ‘fingers’ or ‘donkeypower’ or ‘MegaFonzie’. It’s too much! Practically every other nation in The Hatrackia has converted to the metric system. Think of how much it would help our international communication! It’ll cost a few chips to convert, but it’ll be damn cheaper than the mistakes our system is causing!”
  2. “Primitive? How dare that geek say such a thing!” spits infamous patriot Stan Guterres. “They’re not just measurements; they’re part of our cultural heritage! Where would we be without our attoparsecs, hogsheads, or shakes of a gambler’s tail? Should we throw away our national identity just because a few scientists are too lazy to do their jobs correctly? Give the taxpayers a break and ignore these eggheads! We should embrace our cultural uniqueness, not erase it!”
  3. “This. This is a crossroads,” notes avant garde artist Khethelo Navratilova. “This idea that we can standardize how people look at the world with words... it’s prehistoric. Everything’s beautiful, man. We need to stop trying to control the world and just... live. Imagine how happy our nation would be with no measurements. No measurements at all.” He pauses to gaze at nothing in particular, as far as you can tell. “Think about it. No time like the present, Leader. No time.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, monster hunters with oversized swords roam the land.

2020-09-18 08:30

Who Let the Dinos Out?

Mesozoic Park, the largest dinosaur zoo in the country, has made the headlines for yet another disastrous dinosaur escape. Apparently, the gate of a Tyrannosaurus Rex pen malfunctioned, giving the horde of formerly captive reptiles a window to flee their enclosure. The liberated T-Rex horde then proceeded to cross in an ill-advised tunnel link to the mainland, stowed away on a freight train driven by a truly oblivious driver, and somehow ended up on a rampage through Random Chaos City, killing hundreds and wrecking city infrastructure. Following the crisis, many citizens are calling for the closure of dinosaur zoos.

  1. “We cannot allow the zoo to continue like this!” demands Tyrion Perkins, a frustrated cleaner, who has been toiling for hours mopping up innumerable gallons of blood from the streets. “Those dumb behemoths completely leveled several streets, and would have continued if not for that surprisingly muscular palaeontologist motorcyclist, those two annoying kids and that conveniently located fireworks factory nearby. I’m not saying that we should destroy these creations, but we shouldn’t be putting them on display and giving them opportunities to run loose.”
  2. “This is an overreaction,” claims Billy Watts, the Head of Scientific Research, who doesn’t appear to be remotely disturbed by the high body count. “While there may be some downsides to having dinosaurs on display to the public, the research data that we can draw from them is irreplaceable. Attractions like Mesozoic Park, and my new project Mesozoic City, also help advance academic studies of their behaviour and in how they might have interacted with human beings in prehistoric times. Let’s lose this obsession with ‘health and safety’ and keep the dinosaur zoos open! For Science!”
  3. “Thou must vanquish the greatest foe of humanity!” shrieks Don Day, a chemically-unbalanced elderly man, as he grips his spear and glares with hostility at a dino-decorated mini-golf windmill. “I hath fought all manner of wild beasts throughout the ages, but these monstrosities are the most wretched and vile. In the name of righteousness, thou must smite this evil breed from the face of the earth! Have at thee, beasts!” He lays into the plastic windmill, sending broken shards all around.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Politically Apathetic Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's government buildings are remarkable for being ugly concrete boxes.

2020-09-18 02:30

Face Lift

After a prominent artist was arrested for attempting to chisel the historic frontage of a particularly ugly courthouse into a sculpture, architectural firms and aspiring artists have petitioned you to renovate crumbling government buildings.

  1. “These old buildings are ugly and falling apart!” bemoans aspiring artist Calvin Parke, while painting nude artwork of you as a form of protest. “If you let artists redesign your buildings, even amateurs, I guarantee the future of our nation will be more colorful, creative, and interesting! All we need is your permission and lots and lots of paint!”
  2. “Why trust these amateurs when you could hire real professionals?” asks world renowned architect and CEO of Barry & Associates Architecture Imogen von Bismarck, while making the final touches to a scale model display of a futuristic-looking Random Chaos City. “As the head of the most experienced architectural firm in Random Chaos, we are the best choice for renovating the government buildings of our nation. Not only will we have great designs, we’ll only use the most modern materials available. Of course there is some considerable money involved, but think of your new fiberglass palace and futuristic office!” A beam suddenly falls down and destroys the model city, resulting in the architect letting out an anguished cry.
  3. “Bah! In communist East Lebatuck, buildings redesign you!” exclaims a musky foreign dignitary, seen wearing the dullest of gray clothes. “Look, your buildings aren’t prettiest, but updating current aesthetics of building will keep loyal citizens focused on important thing, like harvest, parades and glorious leader. Private sector crooks or hack artist bring nothing but excessive monstrosities that lures people into decadence; only state itself should care for buildings. It be cheap and effective as well, all you need is plaster and portrait of yourself.”
  4. “Why fix our buildings at all?” queries the eccentric curator of the Random Chaos City National History Museum while punching a hole in your wall. “These old buildings are best enjoyed as part of history. Turn these moldy government offices and legislatures into a museum for all of Random Chaos to enjoy. We’ll of course need some flashy advertising and authentic historical artifacts to get people interested. People would pay good money to see the original draft of the constitution that has the word ‘suckers’ in it. Just think of the patriotism and tourism money when people walk through those old, hallowed hallways. Well, maybe more curiosity than patriotism.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Tom and Jerry cartoons have cat and mouse resolving their problems with reasoned discussion.

2020-09-17 20:30

Animation Provocation

When media boss Ian Tivruski green-lighted a new Brancalandian animated series for the Random Chaosian Kids Network, he thought he was commissioning a delightful children’s show about metal-working amazons who knit cozy jumpers for their grandkids. As it turns out, the surprisingly explicit animation Sword Heroins: Love Needle has caused a lot of confusion amongst young viewers, and upset many parents.

  1. “Innocent children’s minds need to be protected from such corruption,” declares noted moral guardian Maria Polytunnel. “To achieve this, we should set up a Children’s Regulatory Animation Panel, with me as its fully-paid leader, of course. We can then deem what is and what is not suitable for broadcast.”
  2. “Should we blame these images on TV? No! Blame Brancaland!” declares angry mother Sheila Brelufski. “We should send tanks, and planes, and soldiers to the Brancalandian borders, threatening war unless they stop making this filth!”
  3. “I don’t get why people are complaining, to be honest,” dissembles Tivruski defensively. “Clearly, we added ‘Sword Heroins’ to our line-up to educate children about the dangers of peer pressure, drug abuse, and challenging everyone you vaguely dislike to a duel. Let us broadcast what we like when we like, even if it does challenge the tastes of some of our more easily offended viewers. Stand up for free speech, and endorse our decision, Leader.”
  4. “I think we’re ignoring a broader issue here,” bemoans frustrated animator Parker Stonetrey, “which is that animated art forms are never taken seriously enough to be considered anything more than kiddie fare. I say that we develop Random Chaos’s artistic vision and creativity by subsidising adult animation. When people think Random Chaos, they should think Hentai!”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, suppression of pro-democracy protests is a daily occurrence.

2020-09-17 14:30

Bring Back the Ballot?

Angry crowds formed yesterday around government offices in Random Chaos, demanding the reinstatement of free and fair elections.

  1. “Give us the vote!” cries protester Freddy Young, before hurling another volley of eggs. “It is the right of the many to decide who leads our country, not the few! If we don’t get democracy right now, we’ll... we’ll, uh... we’ll throw more eggs, that’s what we’ll do! Don’t say you haven’t been warned!”
  2. “Elections?! Have they gone quite insane?!” shouts red-faced government hard-liner, Lisa Farmer. “We can’t possibly allow that rabble to have such a degree of control over this country! They’re never happy! One moment they’re demanding democracy, the next they’ll be complaining about all the new taxes! If we dropped taxes, you’d find that they’d be much more compliant. And if they’re not, we’ll get the army to fill ‘em full of lead.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dozens of viewers tune in weekly to hear whether a comma has been added to Clause 5 in Subsection B of Law 58375.

2020-09-17 08:30

Ignorance Is No Excuse?

After a widely followed trial in which an ordinary citizen was prosecuted for tax evasion, insurance fraud, and serial jaywalking due to small legislative changes that were only implemented the previous month, many are questioning how changes in the law should be communicated to the general public.

  1. “It’s not my fault I broke these idiotic new laws if I wasn’t even aware they existed! How was I supposed to know that claiming my seven cats as dependents for tax purposes was no longer legal?” protests Declan Winters, who was recently convicted and is awaiting sentencing. “Every time new laws are put in place, there should be a two-month grace period before they can be enforced. Furthermore, to make sure each citizen is aware of the changes, the government should send regular updates on new legislation to every registered address in Random Chaos. It’s the only way to stop travesties like this from happening again!”
  2. “Nobody sends letters any more; what are you, a square?” taunts Kanya Dumas, the managing director of the Gambler News Channel. “Everyone watches TV now. Just incentivize all channels to regularly show updates on new legislation. In fact, we could have our own weekly show, hosted by celebrities like what’s-his-name, Sipho Lincoln, and maybe even Judi Scrooge. The people will love it, tuning in every week to watch Random Chaosian Law News Live!”
  3. “Why should the taxpayer fork out for information no one uses, or allow grace periods for corrupt people to repeatedly break laws and plead ignorance?” asks devoted penny-scrimper Buffy Bannon, who appears to have helped herself to the entire contents of the candy dish in the lobby. “If someone wants to know something, they should have to find it out at their own expense by doing their own research. If that’s too much effort for the couch-potato youths of today, then they’ll just have to risk the legal consequences of their misguided actions!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Insurance Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, blind students are at a disadvantage now that test papers printed in braille have been discontinued.

2020-09-17 02:30

Unreasonable Adjustments?

It’s exam season, and the latest headlines report that a student registered as having dyslexia and dyscalculia received various adjustments due to his disabilities. These included extra exam time, a scribe and a separate examination room. With the mounting cost of these adjustments and their perceived unfairness, interested parties have arrived at a public inquiry into the matter.

  1. “This kind of hand-holding is exactly what is making the next generation so stupid!” exclaims self-taught marine biologist Jane Le Carré. “I had to work hard to learn my trade without help from anyone. I kept on and persevered, much as the fearsome dolphin who knows that to stop swimming means death. Now they’ll practically do the test for you as long as you have a doctor’s note. I say we get rid of all this babying of our children and bring back survival of the fittest.” Looking down at her rotund frame, she quickly adds “or rather, survival of the smartest.”
  2. “That’s absolutely absurd!” cries Moff Santos, parent of three autistic students. “Look at these test scores! Students with learning differences are still falling behind their peers even with these extra adjustments in exams. What we need to do is totally re-shape our entire education system from the ground up to make it more accommodating for everyone. What price would possibly be too high when it comes to unlocking the true potential of every Random Chaosian?”
  3. “Do I ever have a solution for you!” beams Stephanie Assange, with a wide grin displaying far too many teeth. “Just send all of those... special children of yours to us and we’ll set them up with workplace learning schemes in light manufacturing. It’ll be a great way to build character, cut down on wage costs and teach the value of hard work! It’s a win for the industry and the kids!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pet owners make sure their dogs wear diapers.

2020-09-16 20:30

The Call of Nature

Random Chaos has become the laughing stock of the world after The Smalltopian Sentinel published an article on the public urination problem in Random Chaos City. This article cited the Smalltopian ambassador, who complained about the sordid stench outside the embassy building. Distraught at the international humiliation, your aides have come to you with a shower of suggestions.

  1. “They’re calling us the latrine of The Hatrackia!” yells Birgitta Chan, your Minister of Foreign Affairs, holding a violet-scented wet wipe to her nose. “The worst thing is that those despicable Smalltopian tabloids aren’t even wrong: our people are marking their territory on every building wall, and there’s a golden river running alongside every city street. We need to institute punitive fines to deter public urination before our good reputation gets flushed down the toilet!”
  2. “Aren’t we... hic... aren’t we being a little... too uh... harsh here?” slurs Yuri Nator, a perpetually drunk civil servant, struggling with his zipper before finally giving up. “I mean, if I am taking a walk with my buddies after a guys’ night out and my beer wants to... get out of my body, who can stop me from... shaking hands with an old friend? Besides, I betcha holding it in must be bad for your urine bladder or something. We should be allowed to let it all go whenever and wherever we want!” A look of relief crosses his face, as your office carpet gains a wet patch.
  3. “Hmm, I sniff a golden opportunity here!” exclaims Lizbeth Ardenne, your Minister of Aerosol Solutions and a part-time perfume producer. “It seems people are mainly disturbed by the all-pervasive smell of urine in Random Chaos City, but this could easily be remedied if we deodorized our streets! All we need to do is to install spray tanks filled with my signature fragrance Elizabeth No.5 on all garbage trucks, and they could just besprinkle the whole city with it while driving around in Random Chaos City. I assure you, our sweet-scented city will be the envy of The Hatrackia!”
  4. “This damn situation stinks to hell,” growls General Sam L. Jackson, slamming a knife point-first into a world map on your desk, skewering Smalltopia. “We can’t allow ourselves to be insulted by a goddamn pipsqueak nation like Smalltopia. I suggest we gather up the run-off from our city streets, and have our bombers dump the effluent over Smalltopia’s cities. And we shall rain down upon them with great vengeance and furious anger...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, religious bigotry is not allowed but bigotry against theism is encouraged.

2020-09-16 14:30

The White Man’s Burden

Albinos - born with an absence of pigment in their eyes, skin or hair - suffer a lot of medical problems as a result of their condition. Additionally, they can often face multiple forms of discrimination, and some even believe that their bodies possess extraordinary health benefits and magic powers. Following a brutal attack on an albinistic teenager, which left him armless and disfigured, you have been urged to address their persecution.

  1. “Decapitations, infanticides, kidnappings, and amputations! It’s beyond the pale!” weeps Yui Carey, mother of the now hospitalised victim of the attack. “These are the dangers that albinos face every day. This must end! It should be illegal for anyone to discriminate against albinos, and that includes the media. In fact, make it easier to be an albino in Random Chaos: give them free eye care, police protection, welfare support, and a lifetime supply of sunscreen!”
  2. “This isn’t a black and white issue, and skin-deep solutions won’t tackle the root causes,” declares Colin Holt, a divisive atheist demagogue. “Ignorance and superstition are to blame for all this, so let’s stamp them out. Raise awareness about what albinism is and isn’t. Teach people that albinos are normal Random Chaosians, just like you and me. We must erase the absurd primitive thinking that drives these attacks. Teach rationality, teach science, teach atheism!”
  3. “Albinos definitely possess magicks beyond this realm,” bellows the self-proclaimed Witch of the Wilds, whose person is adorned with amulets made of albino body parts. “Trust me, I’m also a doctor. The hair of an albino is a cure for many afflictions, including blindness, cancer and brain freezes. The tears of an orphaned albino child will remedy a broken heart. Therefore, the government must support my endeavor to bring the gifts of the albino to all in Random Chaos by setting up albino hunting guilds and farms. The nation can even benefit by sacrificing an albino every now and then for victory in war or a bountiful harvest!”
  4. “Within the Ashen Ones, the spirit of the divine dwells,” proclaims Jazz Pence, Grand High Poobah of the Order of Violet. “Their eyes, the windows to the soul, reveal this to be Truth. One observes the lavender ghost of the great Mistress Violet typing within, Her presence on earth made physical. That is why the rest of their bodies lack any color; the whole existence of the albino is devoted to housing the Holy. It is written; they must be revered! Pay tribute to our albino masters, Leader, and lay your nation’s riches at their feet.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, new safety regulations require all cars manufactured in Random Chaos to be bombproof.

2020-09-16 08:30

Wheels of Misfortune

In recent weeks, there has been growing concern over the quality of automobiles made in Random Chaos. Representatives from all sides have gathered in your office and are asking you to make a decision.

  1. “This is ridiculous!” cries Dick Rios, chairperson of the Association of Scorned Shoppers, while frantically waving a stack of papers. “Some of these stories are just obscene! We’ve got water pumps seizing at 12,000 kilometers, airbags not deploying in accidents, and this one guy’s gas tank just fell off! I can’t make this stuff up! Our auto industry has gotten lazy and corrupt and is in desperate need of stronger regulation!”
  2. “I’ve never heard such nonsense!” scoffs Kathryn Zaius, an executive representing the largest automaker in Random Chaos. “Our cars are perfectly fine! These allegations are completely baseless. Thing is, these proposed regulations are going to make us uncompetitive. Is this what you want? Foreign cars clogging our streets while our factories close down? Get rid of some of the regulations we have now, so we can do our jobs! While you’re at it, a government subsidy would safeguard domestic auto manufacturing...”
  3. “What is this? Subsidies? Deregulation? Lies, all of it!” shouts prominent communist Orson Fernandez, sporting a practical yet stylish red beret. “These companies, they’re always willing to sell their ethics for a quick chip! They always cut corners for a little extra profit, and look where it’s gotten us! You want to make good cars, cars the people can be proud of? Have the people take control of the offending car companies! If we remove the profit motive, Random Chaos can finally produce quality vehicles, without wasteful bourgeois stuff like chrome wheels, air conditioning, and reclining seats!”
  4. A wheelchair-bound man wearing a bicycle helmet on his head, plaster casts on his legs, and an irate expression on his face rolls himself into your office. “Hey, I got somethin’ to say,” he growls as he deliberately bumps into your desk. “You and your government have been playing nice with the car companies for far too long, and a lot of us cyclists are sick of it. I might have an axe to grind, but Random Chaos and our environment’ll be better off if you just banned cars entirely. Who cares if people complain? They’ll adjust.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Automobile Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, airship use has soared while property values beneath their routes have plummeted.

2020-09-16 02:30

Oh the Humanity!

During a recent severe storm, the airship RCAS-Hiddenburg caught fire and ended up making a crash landing in Random Chaos City. Everyone on board as well as several hundred people on the ground were killed in the resulting inferno. Reporter Herb Morris’ incredible live coverage of the disaster and the media circus surrounding the safety of such vessels has people looking to the government for solutions.

  1. Nyota Reid, apparent spokesperson for the families of the victims gasps out between sobs, “The only reason this happened is the government has turned a blind eye to the dangers of these vehicles! The solution is obvious: pass and rigidly enforce safety regulations on dangerous industries! Oh, and make the owners of these companies financially liable to the families. I mean, I lost my dad after all, I deserve a little bit of compensation.”
  2. “Really now, airships safely make these trips on a routine basis! These people are looking at a tiny mishap and not the bigger picture!” claims William Xiaoping, owner of Airship Enterprises, the company that operates airships like the crashed RCAS-Hiddenburg. “If anything, the government should be supporting the industry through this tragedy! You know, ‘encouraging’ people to use airships so that they learn just how safe they really are!”
  3. “Tiny mishap? TINY MISHAP?” screams Caesar Eliot, author of the controversial bestseller ‘Corporations Are Bad, Really Really Bad.’ “Hundreds of people dead, millions if not billions of chips in damage to buildings downtown, and these industry goons are trying to just shrug and tell the rest of us ‘Oopsie,’ and buy their way out of trouble?! They have a huge debt to the society they’ve harmed, make them work in the trauma centers and see first-hand what they’ve done!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the carcasses of double-deckers can be found littering high streets all around the country.

2020-09-15 20:30

Bus Drivers Say No to Double-Decked Deathtraps

After several tragic bus accidents across Random Chaos, bus drivers have started a strike until safety standards have been raised.

  1. “Every morning I step into that thing I wonder when it’s finally going to fall to bits,” grumbles Nikita Rice, a bus driver. “The lights don’t work, half of the seats are either vandalised or missing, the top deck smells like something died there, and something HAS died right at the back. We need more money to improve our buses. It’s that simple. If you don’t do it then more people will die.”
  2. “People always want money,” whines Tina Yeltsin, one of your financial advisors. “And they always want guarantees. I’m willing to bet every single chip on me that they’re making a big fuss about nothing. The strike’s no big deal, we can always find plenty of other people willing to take the job. Public transport is a financial black hole anyway, there’s no profit in it for us. If someone really wants to go somewhere they drive. Withdraw some of our public transport funding out and let them have enough money to buy themselves a car.”
  3. “That sounds to me,” says another of your financial advisors who just happens to be walking past, “like a stellar reason to do away with the public transport system altogether. The only people who really lose out are the poor and the disabled, but there’s no profit in them either so it’s win-win.”
  4. “Now now now, there’s no need to be quite so gung-ho,” says Carmen Evans, a city planner. “The public transport system is vital for cutting down congestion and pollution within urban areas. Less vehicles on the road, less fumes, you with me so far? What we need to do is put a tax on car-use within the cities and promote our mass transit. That way everyone gets what they want, and cleaner air to boot.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids' party bags often contain candy and e-cigarettes.

2020-09-15 14:30

Vaping Up a Storm

E-cigarettes and vaping have been growing more popular, but some have expressed safety concerns.

  1. “I caught my son puffing mist from this weird device!” panics mother Mamiko Huxley, holding an e-cigarette at arm’s length as if expecting it to explode in her face. “I haven’t tried it myself, but if you combine electricity with the dangers of nicotine, who knows what will happen? We must stop people using them until there’s been more research into their safety!”
  2. “Mom, you have like, minus one hundred percent idea what you’re talking about,” retorts her son, fifteen-year-old Clint, obnoxiously exhaling a cloud of berry-scented vapour into your face. “E-cigarettes have like, no bad stuff in them at all, so they’re as safe to smoke as drinking water. I mean drinking water is as safe as smoking these, not that you can smoke water... uh... you get what I mean. In fact, they help people stop smoking. Which is good, so I hear, though I’ve never actually tried smoking cigarettes. Plus, it’s really cool-looking. I’ve been trying to impress that Julie girl with my vape hearts. Anyway, don’t cut me off, because I really like Julie. Like really, really like. You get me?”
  3. “Nicotine replacement devices are reasonable to help with nicotine addiction,” interjects Dr. Webster in a paternalistic tone of voice, “and that’s all that they should be used for. People are too stupid to decide things for themselves: you need someone who has a brain to tell them what to do. Leader, if you have any respect for the moral and physiological well-being of our nation, I implore you to necessitate a psychiatrist’s prescription for electronic cigarettes.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader has just been declared ruler of Random Chaos in an international press conference.

2020-09-15 08:30

Follow the Leader

A lowly bureaucrat riffling through some old paperwork has happened across a rather alarming and disturbing fact: the documentation affirming yourself as Random Chaos’s head of state was filled out improperly and now, at least for the moment, Random Chaos has no official leader!

  1. “There is no need to panic,” says Archibald Belcher, a senior archivist. “I’ve prepared a new document. All you need to do is sign across the dotted line and you will be our esteemed leader once again. Here! I’ve even brought a pen.”
  2. “Give me that!” interrupts your brother, incorrigible as always. “I’ve got an idea, bear with me for a moment... a few penstrokes here... a few clauses there... finished. Now you can set yourself up as Supreme Evil Overlord For Life! If you don’t have complete control then where’s the fun? That’s what I say. I’ve taken the liberty of cutting down some of the more boring departments, we only really need the police and military in my opinion. Oh! You get a free space hopper too.”
  3. “Hold on! Don’t sign it yet! Have you ever heard the saying ‘two heads are better than one’?” asks Ethel Griffin, your Minister of Complicating Things. “Well, what if we had SEVERAL? I propose we gather the most senior ministers of Random Chaos to act together as a collective head of state! That’s a little more democratic than one person bossing everyone else around. Besides, even if you’re not THE leader, your opinions are still deeply respected so it shouldn’t be too much of a step down right?”
  4. “As if ONE leader isn’t oppressive enough!” says Justin Murphy, a little known representative from one of Random Chaos’s more obscure counties. “Suddenly we need even more? This is a great opportunity for Random Chaos to lose elitist concepts like ‘leaders’. My ma taught me that all men are born equal and yet even in a modern country like this one person can be named Lord and King of everything. One person should not have that much power! Government policy should be the equal responsibility of all Random Chaos’s politicians.”
  5. “If we did that, even some crackpot quango would have the same power as the Minister of Defence,” argues Patty Tavener, who happens to be the Minister of Defence. “That’s insane. We need strong leadership to get things accomplished! Have you ever been in a meeting where everyone’s opinion is, ugh, ‘equal’? They go on for HOURS. HOURS! Believe me, trying to run a government that way will be a massive, fruitless headache. The leader’s word is law, and if people don’t get that then maybe a little show of strength courtesy of the military wouldn’t go amiss.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Insurance Industry and the Top 10% for Most Advanced Public Transport.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cubicles often double as graves as citizens literally work themselves to death.

2020-09-15 02:30

No Country for Old Men

After several incidents which resulted in the loss of millions of chips have been discovered to be caused by senility and feebleness, concerned financial and medical professionals are wondering if retirement should be made mandatory at a certain age.

  1. “It’s not really such a bad idea,” suggests Wally Lovegood, your middle-aged medical adviser while checking your pulse to see if you’re still alive. “You see, when some people reach a certain age, they become too weak and mentally incompetent to do their job. Therefore, we need to impose mandatory retirement so our nation wouldn’t have to put up with things like that senile 95-year-old rickshaw driver who caused that day-long traffic jam on the highway. Of course, we mustn’t be cruel: we should also provide better pensions for them so they’ll be content in their dotage.”
  2. “Our age has nothing to do with the... uh... what was it... the wild gambler hybrids rampaging through Random Chaos City!” states bumbling security guard Bongani Shongwe, who didn’t hear the stampede of hybrids escaping the lab due to a malfunctioning hearing aid. “So you people think that just because we’re old, we can’t do our jobs? Well guess what? I’ve seen younger people who are more lazy, inefficient, and more... something than a sloth! Retirement and firing should be based on capabilities, not age!”
  3. “Why bother with retirement anyway?” asks Castiel Bender, a rather young basket weaving CEO whose employees consist mostly of his ageing relatives. “I mean, the only reason it exists is just so old people can laze around doing nothing, right? So why don’t we remove it altogether and make it so that people have to work no matter how old they are? Sure, incidents like that doctor who left his false teeth inside a patient might be more common than before; but that’s the price you have to pay for the sake of productivity.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, history textbook pages are used as impromptu tissues by distraught students.

2020-09-14 20:30

A Textbook Cover-Up?

The newest edition of the nation’s leading history textbook, Random Chaos: A Complete Record, has generated serious controversy after critics noted the omission of an infamous massacre that nearly led to the extinction of an aboriginal Random Chaosian tribe.

  1. “The omission was a deliberate choice,” declares CEO Doris Rikkard of McBlah-Shill, the publisher who issues the textbook in question. “There is a serious lack of primary source information regarding the event, so anything we publish would rely heavily on unreliable secondhand accounts.” Leaning in a little closer and speaking lower so only you can hear, she adds: “The fact is, schools are less inclined to invest in material that is both depressing and uncomfortable to talk about. It turns out that parents would prefer their children receive the most positive image of our country possible, and tend to complain otherwise.”
  2. “Take a wild guess why original documentation on this topic is so sparse!” exclaims indigenous Random Chaosian Jacob Zaius as he spits into your complimentary copy of the offending textbook before slamming it shut. “Your mainstream society has made every effort to conceal or destroy any evidence that might shed light on these atrocities, and with this latest incident you risk repeating the mistakes of the past. Please, Leader, we mustn’t whitewash the historical narrative. Regardless of how painful it may be, we owe it to ourselves and to the victims of this genocide — to my people — to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
  3. “So what if some dumb event got left out?” stammers your nephew, a straight-D student attending the prestigious Springtide High. “You can’t expect a country’s entire history to fit into a single textbook! Plus, with all the subjects we’re required to learn already, it’s any wonder we retain anything at all! I say we cut the humanities altogether — history, philosophy, the arts — heck, even reading! Who cares as long as kids can speak the language?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, historic buildings are being demolished to allow for road-widening in the city centre.

2020-09-14 14:30

Market Crash

On a busy Saturday morning, a minicab driver took a shortcut through a crowded market street. After skidding on some banana peels, he lost control and crashed through a dozen fruit and vegetable stalls, narrowly avoiding injuring anyone. Pedestrians are donning full body armor, and Random Chaosians are beginning to accept that reckless driving and speeding in the inner city may be just another fact of life.

  1. “The roads themselves are letting drivers get away with high speeds,” says Elsa Mendeleev, a market stall holder, wiping pulped tomato from her face. “We need traffic calming measures on our city streets: chicanes, speed-bumps, curb extensions, median diverters, and speed cameras. Slow down to save lives!”
  2. “That makes as much sense as putting a spike on steering wheels to get people to drive more carefully!” shouts Eugene Houseman, a junior town planner, heaving a hefty box of documents onto your desk. “According to these studies, by the Ministry of Transport itself, so-called ‘traffic calming’ measures actually increase accidents. Instead, we need to allow high speeds to be safe: that is, remove blind spots, and rebuild the city to allow for wide straight roads. It’s the evidence-based approach.”
  3. “Hmm... actually, can we think more on that steering wheel spike thing?” asks a familiar-looking cyclist with an irate expression, deliberately bashing your shins with his crutches. “You should make it so that all cars must have this, and you’ll end up with more careful motorists, whether it’s by operant conditioning or by natural selection. Now that’s what I call science!”
  4. “Why don’t you just pedestrianise a big chunk of the city centre?” suggests tourist John Stewart, adjusting his anti-smog facemask. “It’ll make the whole area much prettier, quieter and cleaner, and it’ll let you show off the beauty of the heart of the city.”
  5. “Or better still, why don’t you just take your hands off the steering wheel, and let folk drive as we please?” asks impatient commuter Carlos Phillips, wiping a suspicious red-brown stain off his front fender. “Typical nanny state, trying to tell ME how to drive! Get out of the way, government!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pregnant hitchhikers with signs requesting rides to "competent care" are a common sight on Random Chaosian roads.

2020-09-14 08:30

Doctors’ Orders

There have been an increasing number of complaints as some doctors refuse to provide abortions and other medical treatments to patients on religious grounds. As you wait in a hospital waiting room for a routine physical, a colorful collection of activists have begun pestering you.

  1. “Freedom of religion is under attack in Random Chaos!” declares Dr. Milhouse Case, who is bedecked in so many religious symbols that he can’t reach his stethoscope. “The government has made it obvious that they want to force doctors of faith to violate their conscience by performing procedures that go against deeply held beliefs, including the immoral act of abortion. It’s appalling to try and force anyone to choose between their job and their religion. Every doctor must be able to refuse to treat anyone if it would contravene their beliefs in any way, shape or form.”
  2. “Funny how those who have spent their lives discriminating are now crying oppression,” notes renowned feminist activist Ella Huffington, who once controversially remarked that she wished she had had an abortion, despite never having been pregnant. “The moment we give into their nonsense is the moment equality and civil rights are done away with. Religion doesn’t entitle you to refuse to do your job. I implore the government to ignore these whackos and fire anyone who uses religion as an excuse to discriminate.”
  3. “A-ha! I have the perfect solution!” interjects your Minister of Reasonable and/or Crazy Alternatives. “These doctors don’t want to perform abortions or other procedures? Fine, but we should always make sure women have safe access to these facilities should the need arise. I propose that we build fully-funded women’s health clinics in every hospital and community. We’ll staff them with certified pro-choice physicians and provide abortion, contraception and impartial advice. Some may not like their tax money going to this procedure, but these people only have themselves to blame.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it... Random Chaosian satellites can detect it.

2020-09-14 02:30

New Satellite Blues

The Random Chaos Aeronautics and Space Administration (RCASA) is currently reviewing proposals for a new flagship satellite project. Debates about the merits of each plan have become so intense that a recent fight resulted in thousands of chips in damage to pocket protectors, calculators, and glasses. Agency heads have therefore deferred to you to decide which project should be chosen.

  1. “This isn’t rocket science!” states RCASA astronomer Renee Lee, her bow tie still ruffed and her glasses askew from the recent funding fight. “RCASA needs to create wonder in the young and old alike, while also performing cutting-edge science. My proposed space telescope, Bubble, is the ideal tool for this. Think of what pictures it could take: supernovas in the process of erupting, crystal-clear images of nebulas on the shoulders of Orion, C-class stars glittering near Tannhäuser Galaxy. Without Bubble, all these moments will be lost, like tears in the rain.”
  2. “I find my colleague’s position to be myopic and self-serving,” declares remote sensing specialist Zeke Savage, who is sporting a black eye and torn suspenders. “Who cares what’s happening a million light-years away? Our real problems are much more local. Right now, man is causing rapid changes to the surface of our planet, endangering major ecosystems. The best way to understand these changes is from space. My proposed LANDSPOT satellite will be equipped with cutting-edge tools such as hyperspectral imaging and advanced LIDAR, giving us a whole new perspective on this little blue marble we call home.”
  3. “Space may hold a terrible secret!” warns asteroid hunter Commodus Bach, while rubbing his knuckles. “Do you remember what happened to the dinosaurs? I mean, before we brought them back? If we don’t want to share the same fate, then the first step is arming ourselves with knowledge. My proposed Guardian satellite is specially designed to find and track the orbits of all potentially dangerous near-Earth objects. If we find something, we’ll take the second step: arming ourselves against the asteroid by implementing my Star Battles missile shield project.”
  4. “Don’t listen to their lies!” whispers a wild-eyed stranger, while sneaking past your security. “The entire RCASA is actually conducting a program to broadcast subliminal messages straight into citizens’ brains. I’ve been listening to their secret transmissions through my teeth fillings. They’re playing you for a sucker, I tell ya! You must remove all funding from RCASA and divert it to things that do demonstrable good, like mental health services. I hear there are people out there that really need help.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, frequent fliers are obliged to submit to invasive security procedures by government security.

2020-09-13 21:30

The Sky Is Falling

A particularly bad spate of bombings, hijackings and snake attacks aboard airline flights has crippled the air travel industry in Random Chaos. The government has convened to discuss possible ways of improving airport security.

  1. “It’s a no-brainer,” says Malon Morris, frisking you as you enter the meeting. “Put police officers on every flight, armed and ready to deal with those blasted sky pirates! It’s deterrence and protection wrapped up in one. If anyone so much as says the word ‘bomb’ they’d better watch out!”
  2. “You want to put people with GUNS on aeroplanes?!” asks Sean Takei, a security guard at Alfred Case International Airport. “And at the taxpayers’ expense to boot? For the love of Violet, keep the police out of this! Airport security should remain in private hands! Think realistically for a moment: government priorities change all the time but companies are in it for profit. Bombings are BAD for business! We don’t LET them happen! So just... butt out will you? I’m not losing my job to a flatfoot!”
  3. “I only wanted to tour The Hatrackia for a few w-weeks,” wails Ellie Hudson, recovering from a particularly vigorous strip search. “I have a right not to be probed and prodded at the whim of some wand-waving monkey with a high school education! For a whole HOUR I might add! They treat us like cattle! In the name of DECENCY, I request, nay DEMAND an end to the disgrace that is airport security! I mean, really, it’s like they don’t trust me or something!”
  4. “Let’s just ban all planes!” shouts Johann Phillips, prodding you angrily in the chest. “Bombings and terrorist attacks aren’t the only problems these things cause! The aeroplane is one of the worst pollutants mankind has ever created! They’re loud, they’re ugly, and they burn fuel like there’s no tomorrow! There are more environment-friendly ways to travel than by plane even if they are slower! Much slower. But cleaner!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, homeless people dying of starvation are thought to be a necessary cost of preventing terrorism.

2020-09-13 14:30

Cui Bono?

Conservative media news source Brightheart’s recent exposé claiming that 25% of domestic terrorist funding comes from welfare fraud has sparked an earnest debate across Random Chaos on welfare reform.

  1. “It was bad enough that criminals and lazy bums were scrounging from the state, but now the government is directly subsidising terrorism!” yells Brightheart News reporter Kayla Pavlov, pursuing you down the street and trampling over a homeless man’s sleeping bag to keep up. “You have to end the free ride! Cut welfare completely, and make our nation safe!”
  2. “Hold your horses there buddy, let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater,” says single parent Pablo Wang, ignoring the three mewling moppets trying to get his attention. “Random Chaos just needs its welfare system to be fully managed, monitored, and policed. Give folks on welfare charge cards whose transactions records are sent to a searchable police database. Then anyone making a purchase that’s the least bit suspicious should be brought in for interrogation.”
  3. “Sounds like a lot of expensive admin work to me,” complains Welfare Director Venus Curtis. “Wouldn’t you rather have a solution that reduces government spending but still helps those who deserve it? Here’s the thing, nobody wants to say it, but we all know that 99% of terrorists are from a handful of religions and nations. Just say that people from those groups don’t get welfare, and you can both save money and prevent terrorism!”
  4. “I say unto you that the answer is more welfare, not less!” offers unemployed youth Charlotte Violetsglory, pushing a shopping trolley of ammonium nitrate and diesel oil to the checkout till. “If you increase welfare, then maybe the resentful disenfranchised minorities will feel more supported by society, and become less prone to radicalisation. What have you got to lose?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, screams of citizens being "re-educated" echo throughout the rural regions of Random Chaos.

2020-09-13 08:30

The Court of the Crimson Lord

One of Random Chaos’s highest-ranking nobles, Lord Giles, has been criticized for the draconian management of his estate. After the ninth execution of a serf was reported within a month, you have traveled to Giles’ court to discuss the matter personally.

  1. “You’re just in time for the entertainment!” booms Lord Giles, flashing you a toothy grin. “Pay no mind to any outcries, Leader. The lower folk must know their place; we can’t give the wretches any leeway, can we? Now, do stick around. We’ve got a wonderful choir performing soon, made up of some of the little ‘uns from a nearby village. You wouldn’t believe what the threat of punishing their parents does to their music: heavenly sounds! I swear, Random Chaos could learn a thing or two.”
  2. Lady Giles, clothed all in black, observes another execution from afar. “That one made some disparaging remarks about us in a tavern,” she notes flatly, sighing. “Truth be told, this has all gotten so boring. The event’s over too quick, not to mention that people can’t learn their lesson when they’re dead. Active rehabilitation of these peasants - by which I mean frequent beatings - would be so much more efficient for the estate’s funds... and provide us with such lively entertainment.”
  3. The keeper of the estate’s keys, Heather Fripp, pulls you aside. “None of us can take much more of this,” she whispers. “Any one of the estate servants, not to mention the regular villagers, could be targeted next. If the threat of retribution wasn’t so ominous, I’d have locked them out of the house long ago. This is not normal. This is not right. On my life, I beg of you to close the shutters on this charade and remove these two tyrants from their positions of power.”
  4. “Why are local nobles in charge of executions, anyway?” interjects the court gardener, while planting an evergreen. “If we allow the nobility to maintain near-absolute power, it would only be a matter of time before they abuse their power in some other way. This overgrowth of corruption by our feudal lords must be uprooted and burned like a pernicious weed! If the national government takes back its shears of judicial power, the other nobles will think twice before setting themselves up to be pruned.”
  5. A yellow-robed jester approaches you, displaying gaudily-designed finger puppets on his right hand. Oddly enough, you notice the puppets bear a strong resemblance to a number of powerful Random Chaosian nobles. After a moment, the jester brings out his left hand, revealing more finger puppets that are dressed in rags and carry pitchforks and torches. Without saying a word, he pantomimes a fight between the two groups in which the peasants beat the nobles into submission and chase them away. Winking at you, he blends back into the crowd.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's scientifically provable that Random Chaosian guys don't know how to make a woman happy.

2020-09-13 02:30

I’ll Have What She’s Having

The formerly insignificant nation of Merovingia has come to international attention recently with its patissiers creating a formidable new chocolate cake called “The Grand Moment”. It’s said that this cake has an unusual effect on the biochemistry of women who indulge in it, creating waves of female pleasure that cannot be found elsewhere in the culinary world. Discussions ensue over a family game of Scrabble.

  1. “We. Must. Have. This. CAKE!” shouts your grandmother, gripping her tile tray with surprising intensity. “Buy it in. Relax any and all barriers to entry. This could be a once in a lifetime experience! Don’t you dare stand in our way!”
  2. “I understand that scientific analyses suggest there may be some dubious microbes and unapproved pharmaceuticals amongst the special additives here,” postulates your grandfather, as he twiddles an ‘O’ tile in his hand but fails to spot the ‘G’ he needs. “We shouldn’t allow foodstuffs to cross our borders until they pass rigorous food safety standards checks to prove that they are microbe and toxin-free.”
  3. “Women are flighty and irrational creatures,” lectures your recently-separated brother condescendingly, struggling to work out what word he can spell with the letters L, S, O, E and R. “Frankly, we ought to deny them indulgences and selfish pleasures to better focus their minds on their feminine duties: cooking, raising children and cleaning. Never trust a woman who smiles too much; that’s my motto.”
  4. “I’m more curious to know about why there’s no male pleasure here,” says your visually-impaired teenage nephew, licking frosting from his fingers. “We should let the women do whatever they like, but let’s spend some research money looking at how to stimulate male neurochemistry. With enough research, I reckon that we could be the world leaders in culinary pleasure for men.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, owning a really cute pet is grounds for immediate investigation.

2020-09-12 20:30

Intelligent Design

Animal rights activists have petitioned the government to ban the selective breeding of pets to enhance certain characteristics, due to the genetic defects that this causes. After your office was inundated with letters filled with disturbing, yet adorable pet pictures, a meeting has been arranged to hopefully put the issue to sleep.

  1. A lone activist on all fours lets out a howl of despair in solidarity with her animal brethren before speaking. “Arthritis, skeletal deformation, and brain compression: these are just some of the terrible medical conditions caused by the public’s desire for ‘cute’ pets. Features in breeds like the Maxtopian fold cat and the Lilliputian munchkin rabbit are getting more exaggerated, putting the animals’ health in greater danger. The government should ban the continued breeding and sale of pets that have severe health conditions due to selective breeding.”
  2. “Rrrrgraf!” barks Mr. Fuzzykins, the darling Smalltopian hound of Z-list celebrity Berlin Chilton, who translates for her pooch. “Mr. Fuzzykins says that you shouldn’t listen to this drama queen, and he wants everyone to know that it isn’t at all a burden to him that he’s always short of breath and small enough to live in a mini purse. It just makes him more adorable! Isn’t that right, baby? Designer pets represent a person’s right to choose, and these activists want to take that away. We should be encouraging and funding selective breeding so that we can create even much more cuter pets!”
  3. “I agree with Ms. Chilton, but it’s not just about choice — this is my livelihood!” whimpers the owner of a local pet shop. “I’m already tied up in knots by bureaucratic diktats that force me to spend my hard-earned chips just to be issued licenses telling me what I can and can’t sell and how many bodies I need to run the shop. The government needs to stop pandering to the feelings of those who want to ruin my business and relax the rules on poor pet shop owners like me. Oh, and can I get a genetic sample from that excellent dog?”
  4. “Leader, such animals present us with an interesting opportunity,” proclaims your Junior Minister of War, snatching Mr. Fuzzykins from his irate owner. “This dog may not look like an awesome weapon of destruction now, but with some selective breeding and a lot of gene editing, we could have a whole battalion of elite canine warriors! We need to get ahead of countries like Dàguó — they’ve already created super muscular beagles with the help of genome engineering. With your approval, Mr. Fuzzykins here can become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation has an international reputation for compassion.

2020-09-12 14:30

International Community Comes Doorknocking

The international community has appealed to Random Chaos to increase humanitarian aid to the world’s poorer nations.

  1. “We must increase foreign aid,” says beaded local peace activist Paris Trump. “Compared to some of these nations, Random Chaos is swimming in chips. Let’s face it, not every nation in the world is lucky enough to have a government like ours. Let’s show some compassion to our less economically gifted neighbors.”
  2. “Talk about a way to flush chips straight down the toilet,” argues Think Tank member Wolfgang Clason. “What I’ve noticed is that whenever we do give something, it’s never enough: a few years later they’re back asking for more. The best way to help these poor nations is to stop shielding them from the logical consequences of their idiotic, long-debunked socialist economic policies.”
  3. “Relief wouldn’t hurt us... if we ‘relieved’ the right countries,” suggests government advisor Charles Johannsen. “We give them a little humanitarian aid, they give us access to their Tourism markets... it’s win-win. Nothing wrong with a little quid pro quo, especially for a good cause.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a blood-red mark on the doorframe means a building must be passed over for destruction.

2020-09-12 08:30

Leader, Don’t Tear Down That Wall!

Plans to demolish a disused widget foundry in Random Chaos City have met unexpected controversy: work by Pranksy, the famous graffiti artist, has been discovered on its walls.

  1. “This looks to be a previously unknown work from his early ‘puke-green stick figures’ phase,” proclaims popular art-lover and broadcaster Melvyn Blogg. “The building must be preserved in its entirety so that those masterpieces can still be seen in their rightful context!”
  2. “Graffiti? Bah!” exclaims Mayor Siko Santos. “This is just vandalism, and so-called ‘artists’ should be forced to clean it up. My cousin is in charge of the site, and I’ve given ourselves planning permission, so let’s go ahead with demolition. Economic progress can’t be held up by a few wall-doodles.”
  3. “Let’s compromise,” suggests Charles Sourcheese, a modern art collector. “Why not just remove the sections of the walls that bear Pranksy’s works into a suitable museum - such as, ahem, mine - and then let the rest of the old building be demolished? I’d appreciate that greatly, and you do know I’m one of your party’s most public supporters, don’t you?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Greatest Rich-Poor Divides.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the mining industry has taken a hit from tighter environmental regulations.

2020-09-12 02:30

Diving for Chips

Divers from a local scuba club have discovered an enormous underwater gold deposit that could be worth billions of chips in one of Random Chaos’s lakes. It has also caused a huge debate over who should be allowed to plunder the goods.

  1. Amber Roll, a cabinet member, would like the government to seize the deposit. “This is an excellent time to boost Random Chaos’s economy and increase our foreign trade with other countries! Who cares about the people that discovered the deposit? They’ve done their country a great favor and should let us have the money!”
  2. Dirk Ford, a civil rights activist, vehemently disagrees. “The deposit was found by private citizens and it should be their choice of what to do with the gold. If the government goes around stealing what is rightfully ours, then I shudder to think I live in such a corrupt country. These people discovered the gold, it’s now their time to get rich! Never mind the fact they were diving in a lake on government property!”
  3. “We should do what now?” Environmentalist Katniss McBoatface exclaims. “Do you have any idea how damaging it would be to the environment to mine the gold under that lake? Think of all the aquatic life that would be disrupted or destroyed! Think of how an otherwise pristine lake view would be ruined! Forget the gold and keep those money-grubbing pigs away from nature!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader's family members carry literal get-out-of-jail-free cards.

2020-09-11 20:30

All in the Family

An unexpected letter sent by your estranged uncle was found on your desk this morning. In it, he details what he has been up to for the past several years. It abruptly concludes with him being arrested and imprisoned in Brancaland for a slew of criminal charges. These included selling diluted maple syrup, illegally hunting prized Brancalandian Geese for sport, and operating a business without a license.

  1. “I’m in a sticky situation,” writes your uncle. “I’ve been assigned to share a cell with a moonshiner named Cletus. His buck teeth are not pleasant to look at nor are his armpits pleasant to smell. I would be most obliged if you could use some of your diplomatic wrangling, such as threatening Brancaland with tariffs, to arrange for my release. Perhaps you could wire some money to my account to help me get back on my feet. After all, we’re family, and as the Brancalandian saying goes, ‘blood is thicker than maple syrup’.”
  2. The Brancalandian ambassador huffs into your office. “You must understand what a heinous crime your uncle committed. Our maple products are our national heritage and your uncle has completely disrespected that. He may be your family, but you must allow our criminal justice system to punish him as it sees fit. If you’d like, we can even give you a tour of the prison facilities to show that he isn’t being mistreated.”
  3. “This kind of sounds like one of those Tasmanian Prince scams to me,” muses your secretary. “Actually, that gives me an idea. Deny that he’s your uncle and write him off as a con artist trying to get out of prison. If we are to believe that ambassador, he won’t be in much actual danger there. Sure, he won’t be happy staying locked up, and neither will other family members now that I think about it. Then again, he broke Brancalandian law and I don’t want to risk losing my supply of Brancalandian goose down coats over this!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader can often be found attempting to coax random citizens' cats down from trees.

2020-09-11 14:30

The Issue With Issues

After an influx of poorly thought out, redundant, and otherwise trivial issues have been shoved across your desk, concern has been raised as to whether the government should start better regulating the issues you receive.

  1. “There must be an issue crack down!” bellows Michael van Gogh, your personal secretary, while removing gum off his shoe. “If we don’t do something, pretty soon we’ll be getting issues that could have just as easily been dealt with by the flip of a coin!” He pauses to discreetly move an old picture of your niece and her pet from your direct line of sight. “Let your staff take care of the frivolity so you can focus on the big stuff. In fact, if a government official passes on an issue that’s too trivial to you, fire them on the spot!”
  2. You suddenly hear a shattering noise and find Sonequa Contri, your Advisor Of Trivial Matters, has broken through your office window. “Sorry about that, your office door was being fixed,” she apologizes. “Anyway, an issues crackdown? Ha! Your window’s a trivial issue, yet you’ll probably be enlisting all of Random Chaos’s government to replace it! I say, anyone who wants should be able to bring an issue directly to your attention! Then the people will feel like the government is a helpful organization working for them, not something big to fear! If that doesn’t work, I’ll even help fix your window!”
  3. “There’s no need to go to either extreme,” ponders Ayla Kennett, an intern and amateur vuvuzela-player who was just practicing Random Chaos’s national anthem outside your window. “I have a creative solution: we should create a rigorous, 34-tier color-coded system to evaluate how Leader-worthy an issue is and you can work through the issue queue accordingly. The people with most urgent and important issue will get a faster response. Everybody wins!”
  4. “It’s not the issues that you’ve got to watch out for, but the sorts of people that are giving you solutions,” volunteers the bee suit clad Dr. Bees, walking hand-and-hand into your office with the Bird Lady. “I can’t help but notice that some of the people who are giving you advice are a bit... odd. You just need to make sure that you’re properly vetting all your advisors, then the actual decisions making process will be a snap, no matter how trivial or important an issue is.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, major polluting industries have painted a lot of their machines green to give an impression of caring about the environment.

2020-09-11 08:30

Dirty Little Minds

The Health Ministry has expressed serious concerns at new evidence that pollutants in the atmosphere and water supply may be negatively affecting the intelligence and cognitive abilities of the nation’s children.

  1. “Legislation is the answer,” declares tatty-suited progressive Isabelle Edwards in the middle of a two-hour slideshow on rainfall. “Crack down on air pollution, regulate vehicle emissions, and heavily tax polluting industry and power generation. The economy may experience a short-term loss, but that sacrifice is worth it for our children’s long-term cognitive function.”
  2. “Self-regulation is the answer,” says expensively dressed lawyer Miles Looney, who just finished another fraud trial. “The industry will... uh... establish a voluntary code of conduct, and we will definitely think about cutting into our profit margins and reneging on our obligations to our shareholders to make a fast buck. At the very least, we’ll do some great PR work. And kids getting dumber? Well, I should point out that a dumb populace is a free-spending and unquestioning populace: that sort of thing is great for the economy.”
  3. “Science is the answer,” opines overzealous transhumanist Stefanie Shaw, whose clothes are so metallic and futuristic they just look silly. “The problem here is that we’ve got the wrong sort of pollutants. Add the right neuro-stimulant chemicals to the waterways and the air, and I can guarantee you the lovely pollution will start making our kids harder, better, faster, stronger. Sure, they might have increased risk of fatal brain hemorrhage in puberty, but they’ll expand their cognition and consciousness and become Human Plus.”
  4. “Creative thinking is the answer,” schemes an intimidating ‘solutions manager,’ Barbie Beckham. “We can keep making pollutants, so long as we don’t let them get into our nation’s environment. I’ve got half a dozen amazing ideas, from selling our waste to gullible third world nations as fertilizers, to sticking some of the nastier chemicals into a newly rebranded ‘smokey-cola’ and pushing it to export. All extra sludge can just be dumped at sea - far, far away from Random Chaos. Recategorise waste as product, and we can get it out of the country at a nice profit.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Subsidized Industry and the Top 10% for Largest Agricultural Sector and Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, territories have the right to secede if they aren't happy.

2020-09-11 02:30

Most Likely to Secede

A group of bearded militiamen have recently declared rural Marina Obama County a sovereign and independent nation! Talk radio pundits in Random Chaos are demanding immediate government action.

  1. “Gov’mint’s not workin’ fo’ folks ‘round here,” says Wally Vajiralongkorn, a turnip farmer, “We have ourselves a guar-un-teed right to form a gov’mint that works for us. We don’t want any confrontation, now, we just want to shake hands and let ya’ll get along with yer business while we get along with ours.”
  2. “I can’t believe this!” shouts General Bill Sherman. “This is tantamount to treason! Our political system would collapse if whole territories were allowed to leave at any time. It would be chaos! I propose that you let me take care of the problem... permanently.”
  3. “Perhaps we can reach a suitable middle ground,” says an elderly gentleman resting on a park bench, “If we were to bring government close to the people, and allow them to have a modicum of self-determination, perhaps they wouldn’t feel the need to secede. Let’s give the local governments more power.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government projects are full of waste.

2020-09-10 20:30

Gross Domestic Product

The nation’s largest river is vital to Random Chaosians for agricultural irrigation, goods transport and water for both industrial and consumption purposes. However, rising pollution has now rendered the water unfit for human consumption and the river has become nearly unnavigable due to the sheer volume of waste choking it. The final straw for many came when a flaming deluge of feces, trash, and toxic chemicals engulfed riverside areas in downtown Random Chaos City.

  1. “Look, I’m no hippy environmentalist, but this level of pollution is starting to cause real problems for our economy and our health,” moans farmer Willie McAlpin after retching in his hazmat suit. “You have to ban factories from dumping waste in the river, and invest in better outflow management to protect our waterways.”
  2. “We can’t slow down industrial development because we’re averse to slightly brown water,” asserts engineer Carter Snow. “Instead, we should just dredge the river to remove trash and debris, and create wide concrete-lined channels to let the water flow out to sea faster. Remove dams, divert water from other sources, and we can increase river flow and dilute the problem. Hard engineering for hard ecological problems. It’s not hard.”
  3. “The waters are a gift from the divine,” sensually sighs the Priestess of the Wet God, eagerly slurping the river water as she bathes in it. “This Holy River is always pure and rejuvenating, no matter what mere men may think or fear. The dizziness we feel from inhaling the fumes that rise from the sacred waters is the spiritual ecstasy of communion. The government should inform the people of the great and healthful powers of His Watery Glory’s blessed flow, and indeed bottle the water and deliver it to people across the nation. Nobody should be afraid to take a sip, or a large gulp!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the booming slave trade is now government-funded.

2020-09-10 14:30

Freedom Comes at a Price

A recent boom in Random Chaos’s slave trade has uncovered the work of slave liberation group, Friends of Spartacus, who are purchasing slaves by the hundred in order to set them free. As a result of this huge increase in demand, slavers have had to resort to raiding the poorer regions of Random Chaos for more ‘stock’.

  1. “This has gone too far!” yells Patrick Griswold, a supermarket cashier and father of seven. “Slave liberation indeed! Thanks to the efforts of the so-called ‘Friends’ of Spartacus, decent, hardworking people are being dragged kicking and screaming from their homes to be used to work against their will! The government has to do something about these ignorant activists before they cause any more harm!”
  2. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” cries Friends of Spartacus founder, Beth Sims. “I think we all know the real issue here is that the despicable trade of human beings is actually legal in this country! It’s unethical, barbaric, and just plain wrong. Are we not above this kind of thing? I propose we abolish the slave trade altogether!”
  3. “Abolish the what, now?” asks Frank Berenstein, a wealthy slaveholder. “Have you any idea how important our sla- er... merchandise, is to the Random Chaosian economy? Without all this free labour, dozens of major industries would fall apart, and fine upstanding tradesmen such as myself would be sent straight to the poorhouse! If the government would see fit to invest in this highly lucrative business, we could import our product from abroad to meet demands instead of trading in the dregs of our own populace. Problem solved!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, geosynchronous satellites are now manned by unpaid interns.

2020-09-10 09:00

Privacy Concerns Reaching New Heights

A man was arrested for shooting down a drone flown near his house. The drone had a camera attached and was allegedly ‘ogling his teenage daughter’. Citizens have demanded action over unmanned, publicly available spy drones.

  1. “Ain’t nobody got the right to spy on my kin!” shouts Pablo Yeats while waving a compound crossbow. “It’s trespassing is what it is! If you can’t climb through my window and take pictures of my house, why should you be able to do it with a flying doohickey? It’s my god-given right to shoot down anything that violates my airspace, dagnabbit!”
  2. “Wait, what? What’s your beef with drones?” says Venus Ephron while piloting a miniature helicopter up to your face. “It’s just a harmless way of having fun. This ‘spying’ stuff is the paranoid ranting of hillbillies looking for an excuse to shoot whatever they please. The government should just mind its own business and butt out of our hobbies.”
  3. “Why do we even allow unmanned aircraft in the first place?” says Charlotte MacIntyre, president of the Sunday Fliers, a local private pilot’s club. “It’s obvious that these drones cause nothing but trouble. Just require that any man-made objects flying overhead have a pilot. If they get a little too close with their cameras, we can try the pilots for trespassing.”
  4. “Obviously we can’t just let anyone run around with these things - that would be ludicrous!” sputters the Chief of Police of Cape Random Chaos. “However, these drones could certainly help my department find fugitives, carry out investigations, y’know, that sort of thing. Who knows, we could even check up on our citizens every now and again too. There’s probably loads of illegal things folks are up to because they think they won’t get caught.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, school lessons are constantly interrupted by 'teacher needs a break' time.

2020-09-10 02:30

School’s in for Summer?

Your Education Minister recently proposed abolishing the traditional Random Chaosian school schedule, which included seasonal breaks, and replacing it with one in which school days were evenly distributed over an entire year. In response, concerned administrators, parents, and educators have asked for your support.

  1. “Everyone knows how much time parents and educators waste regurgitating the same information every year,” complains obnoxious parent Jessica Perry, seen wearing a ‘My Child Is An Honor Roll Student’ button. “Students often forget things when they spend long periods of time without learning. In order for these young minds to flourish, we should keep the same number of weeks of education per annum, but spread them out evenly across the year. That will make my - I mean, Random Chaos’s - children’s successes even more pronounced!”
  2. “That is ridiculous. Can you even imagine all the overhaul that would require?” questions principal Ned Wayne, after giving two of your squabbling aides a time out. “The budget is strapped enough as it is! A better solution would be to allow each school to determine its own schedule. That’s better for the administrative workings of this public school system, and our finances. Besides, educators need breaks too! Teaching those little hellions is far more stressful than it looks!” The aides begin squabbling again, prompting a stern glare from the principal. “You two! My office! Now!”
  3. “Restructuring alone won’t keep our children ahead of the curve!” opines Tabitha de Castro, Comptroller of the Random Chaos City District School Board who had been grading everyone on their posture and speeches. “What we need to do is make education free and mandatory all year round, fifty-two weeks a year and six days a week. Yes, that means massive spending towards the education budget, but you can’t put a price on knowledge. Well, I guess you can depending on how much goes into the budget.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cotton candy made from genuine cotton cellulose doesn't quite satisfy.

2020-09-09 20:30

Get Baked

While strolling through the annual bake sale at your niece’s school, you couldn’t help but overhear a heated argument between two of the mothers at a nearby snickerdoodle-and-cupcake display.

  1. “Ruby, I don’t care how much kale you put into those cupcakes; we just shouldn’t be feeding this much sugar to children,” lectures one gaunt-looking mother, waving a carrot in exasperation. She catches a glimpse of you out of the corner of her eye and turns to you. “Leader! You must regulate all junk food going to our children at school! If we need a fundraiser, we can sell fruits and vegetables instead of this high-calorie, low energy bull...”
  2. “Oh my, Iris, you must watch your mouth! There are children in here!” complains her dumpling-shaped counterpart, hip-bumping her way to a centre-stage position in the conversation and sending the previous speaker flying into a tower of rice cereal treats. “You can’t get rid of this sugary goodness! These kids love it. If anything, we need MORE sugar, and some help for businesses that provide the sweet treats that bring so much happiness. Who cares if people are gaining weight? That’s just evolution.”
  3. “AAAAAAAAAAARGH!” screams your niece, causing everyone to suddenly turn to her. “Thank you! Who cares what kids eat? It should be our choice alone if we want to eat cookies and candy all the time, not yours! Give children the choice to put whatever food we want in our bodies, it’s the only way!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, shelters struggle to keep up with the endless intake of stray animals.

2020-09-09 09:00

Gone a Stray!

A group of distraught high school girls has brought the problem of stray dogs and cats around Random Chaos to your attention.

  1. “There are too many strays just wandering around!” screams a concerned high school student as she feeds leftover scraps to a noticeably spooked mutt. “We need to gather all these poor animals and get them into a nice shelter where a loving family can adopt them and take care of them - whether they want them or not.”
  2. “No! No more animals, please!” begs animal shelter director Ksenya Wessex as she struggles to latch a cage full of cats. “Look, I love these fluffballs as much as the next guy, but we just can’t handle any more. We’re up to our ears in animals! The problem isn’t with the strays, it’s with irresponsible pet owners not spaying and neutering their pets. It’s high time we required everyone to fix their pets. Do that and this problem will disappear.”
  3. “These animals deserve to be free!” screeches Falala Dixon, a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything. “They found a home in the back alleyways and dumps. Who are you to take them away from their homes, tame them and make them your slaves? They don’t exist for your entertainment. We must free all of the animals!”
  4. “Let’s not get hasty here,” interrupts Major Burns while polishing his oak leaves and war medals. “Now these animals could be of use to the police here and overseas with our brave soldiers. There are plenty of jobs that simply aren’t suited to our patriotic boys in uniform. Yes, plenty of dangerous jobs. It’s not like these strays are going to be missed. And at least we’d be giving them hot meals and a dignified purpose!”
  5. “One bullet each should do the trick,” bluntly states a mustachioed local-government employee while loading a revolver. “Problem solved.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Advanced Defense Forces.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all restaurants close before dinner time.

2020-09-09 03:00

Do You Want Fries With That?

Mobs of disgruntled employees picket fast-food chains across Random Chaos, tossing cheeseburgers at customers and burning their uniforms — all in the name of dignity and fairer wages.

  1. “MERRY MEALS, MERRY WORKERS!” chants a pubescent protester. “For far too long have our families starved because of pitiful wages. I mean, really, what are we supposed to do with one chip a day? Eat it? Random Chaos needs to set a new minimum floor for wages, and protect workers — the least that can go wrong is a little bump in the price of your Big Max — what’s the big deal?”
  2. “Oh the horror! THE HORROR!” gasps the McRonald’s CEO as he watches a video of protesters deep-frying the company mascot. “Not Ronald! Anyone but Ronald! They’ve gone bananas! Leader, their complaints are ridiculous, I assure you. They should be grateful for the wage they get for, what, flipping a few burgers? Give me a break. I implore you to send in the police and stop these mouth-breathers from scaring away our custom- eh, I mean, to protect our citizens, of course...”
  3. “The problem isn’t wages, darling,” says a ‘chatty cathy’ working the counter at Papa Pallocci’s Pizza Pagoda. “It’s all the ‘part time’ hours - the ‘seasonal’ work, ‘overtime’, ‘no overtime’, ‘zero-contracts’ — before you know it, we’ll all be working part-part-part-time! We should go back to a simple work-week for all us slaves to the retail industry. 8-5. Sure, it’ll make places hard to staff, but who wants a burger at midnight anyways?”
  4. “Eww, fast food,” says Esma Janssen, sipping a glass of almond milk to wash down a fresh kale salad. “We should just get rid of it altogether. Who could be bothered with those cheap, greasy trans-fats? Yuck! Gluttony gone amok as far as I’m concerned. We should make a higher standard of food mandatory for all: vegetarian, vegan, organic. C’est magnifique!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, recent protests against birds flying too low have resulted in bloodshed.

2020-09-08 21:00

Protesters Have Gone Too Far, Claim Police

A group protesting against the Random Chaosian government began a riot yesterday which resulted in the death of Mr. Benson, a police officer.

  1. “This is an outrage!” cries Police Chief Judi Wickremesinghe. “The people of Random Chaos just don’t know how good they have it! Our nation is a gem compared to many others, but if you give an inch they will take a mile. I had to tell officer Benson’s wife yesterday that their children will grow up without a father. Do I think public protests should be outlawed? You’re damn right I do.”
  2. “It all happened so fast,” says Neil Doolittle, one of the protesters. “The crowd was just chanting, you know... and then they tear gassed us. I saw one cop, this Mr. Benson, club a teenager right in the face! For what? Speaking his mind! That’s when the crowd rushed him. I’m sorry he’s dead, but the police think they have a right to do whatever they want - things get out of hand sometimes. I think the police department should keep out of the way when we’re protesting - even if things do get... excited.”
  3. “It’s because protests get out of hand sometimes that we need a police presence,” argues PC Tamara Lennon eventually after singing the national anthem to you. “Even violent protestors have a right to feel safe on the streets. If that means we have to die to protect the innocent, then that means we have to die. I think protests should be restricted to a designated area where police can keep an eye on the protestors. Then everything can go nice and smoothly and no one will have to worry about being beaten to death.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government keeps its thumb on the scales of justice.

2020-09-08 15:00

I Declare a Thumb War

A long-lost treaty with the aboriginal population of Random Chaos has been recently and conveniently uncovered, guaranteeing the right to settle legal cases by the traditional means of Thumb War. Documents in hand, Elder Apu ‘Finger Crusher’ Khan is seeking to settle a longstanding real estate ownership dispute with a frail and arthritic CEO in the Random Chaosian Tourism industry.

  1. “For too long, my people have been denied our rights to this valuable land, and the economic power it brings,” he roars, working an enormous exercise band with his equally enormous thumbs. “You must respect our rights, and prove that your government is honorable. Tell you what, rather than deciding government policy with debates and chatter, why don’t you stick out that puny thumb of yours, Leader, and let’s get this over with. I promise not to humiliate you... much!”
  2. “Now hold on a moment!” interjects General Julius Rikkard, head of an eccentric military research branch. “We shouldn’t thumb our nose at this treaty, but see how it doesn’t specify who they face off against? My office has been secretly developing a mechanical exo-suit, and it’s time to field test our new Mega Glove! I bet one of our soldiers would make a great champion!”
  3. “Who’s got two thumbs and a money making idea? This guy!” enthuses television executive Genghis Zaius, pointing at himself. “Instead of tying up the real courts with this sort of thing, let me make a legally-binding reality-sports-procedural show out of it! Think of the viewing numbers! Everybody will tune in to see if the plucky bar-room thumb wrestler can train enough to overcome the mighty hands of big business lawyers over the course of a season... no, two seasons! Oh, the montages we’ll have!”
  4. “Whoever wrote this must have been all thumbs... I don’t think our government can really be held accountable for it,” weasels your Minister of Exceptions. “It’s so badly written, I practically need a translator to read it! Just tie it up in court with endless challenges to what each word means — I’m sure it’ll get thrown out eventually.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government baselessly accuses foreign dignitaries of being assassins.

2020-09-08 09:00

Only Leader Could Go to Dàguó

The Holy Emperor of the militaristic and isolationist nation Dàguó has invited you to his palace for a state dinner in an attempt to warm decades of frosty relations.

  1. “IT’S A TRAP!” shouts Admiral Lauren de Calamari, a military attaché who seems borderline paranoid. “Isn’t it obvious? They’re only inviting you over there so they can KILL you! They’ll either poison you or stab you in your sleep. Trust me, you can’t trust these Dàguó animals. They will kill you the moment you let your guard down.”
  2. “I agree that we shouldn’t go over there,” replies Rodrigo Scott, your personal chef, who is always dying to experiment with new cuisine. “However, that doesn’t mean we should ourselves embark on a policy of isolationism. Why not invite this Emperor of theirs over here and treat him to a state dinner? There’s much to discuss like their Tasmanian trade sanctions or the steady stream of refugees from the Maxtopian Civil War.”
  3. “Dàguó’s leaders have historically denounced our great nation for covert operations that, err, officially, we still deny,” mentions Professor Aaron Banks between introductory college lectures. “Meeting with Dàguó’s Holy Emperor would be a perfect way to begin to mend relations. Accept the invitation, respect their customs regardless of how strange they might seem, and act like a real national leader for once! Go out there and start advocating for world peace, and history will thank you.”
  4. After repeatedly hitting on your secretary, a somewhat suave secret agent introduces himself as, “Bont ... James Bont. Go over to Dàguó on the pretext of a diplomatic mission. Meanwhile, I will pose as a Marche Noirian master chef so I can poison the Emperor’s meal. Once he drops dead, his security is going to suspect foul play, but I’ll be there to extract you back to Random Chaos via rocketcar. There’s a chance my scheme will end up causing a war, but if worst comes to worst, I’ve still got my jetpack and exploding attaché case.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government raises tariffs on a weekly basis.

2020-09-08 03:00

Made in Maxtopia

When ultra-cheap underwear imports from Maxtopia drove a local factory into bankruptcy, the newly unemployed factory workers surrounded you during a press conference to demand you protect local manufacturing by any means necessary.

  1. “Save our jobs!” begs a recently unemployed worker, Jill Swift, who seems to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. “I put years of my own sweat into that factory textile job, figuratively and literally. It’s the only work I know. Please, Leader, implement tariffs or subsidies to keep alive the domestic clothing industry. Otherwise we’ll be thrown out on our asses, forced to buy shoddy Maxtopian undergarments.”
  2. “We have the freedom to know what we are buying!” exclaims an unusually patriotic consumer advocate, while barging into the crowd of workers and ferociously waving a Random Chaosian flag. “When I buy me a new pair of underpants, I wanna see that ‘Made in Random Chaos’ tag to let me know I am getting the best of all possible underpants. Absolutely everything for sale should say where it came from. That way we’ll know to buy local, and this problem will probably fix itself.”
  3. “Why have Maxtopian imports at all?” rhetorically asks Neil Carter, who runs the local store where you used the toilet without buying anything the other day. “Or, for that matter, from anywhere? We’ve been dependent on foreign imports for way too long. Random Chaos needs to strive to be an economically and ecologically self-sufficient nation, where everything is made by our fellow citizens. Other countries might be able to make things cheaper, but no one works with as much pride as us Random Chaosians!”
  4. “Wait!” interrupts Tabitha Howell, the owner of Random Chaos’s largest department store, Humongo-Mart. “Okay, sure, maybe ‘Made in Maxtopia’ means slightly lower quality, but Maxtopian manufacturing is so very cheap! Sure, I had to replace my Maxtopian toaster three times last year because of a few teeny-tiny explosions, but that still cost me less than buying one locally-manufactured toaster! Have some common sense, Leader, and allow free trade.”
  5. “There’s an easier way to appease the masses,” whispers your Minister of Foreign Trade, Björk Perry, while handing you the latest briefs. “Let’s keep importing things from other nations, but we can pretend that everything was made in Random Chaos. Put flag stickers on every conceivable product, tell the people that we’re self-sufficient, and beef up the security at all ports. Then bam: the customers are happy, the department stores are happy, and our economy can keep importing essential resources. And of course anyone that mentions our hypocrisy aloud will be... punished.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pushy mums tell their kids to be doctors and engineers but steer them away from being penniless lawyers.

2020-09-07 21:00

Lawyers on Trial

Notorious gangster Johnny ‘Stab-Stab’ Croft was recently found ‘not guilty’ on multiple charges leveled against him, despite a broad expectation from citizens and the media that he would be convicted. Experts are saying that the surprising result was the consequence of Johnny hiring the very best private defence lawyers, while the prosecution was led by an inexperienced and overworked public prosecutor who was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open through the case.

  1. “Zzzzzz... Huh? What? Wasafargit blarg?” garbles public prosecutor Ivan Anap, as you nudge him into wakefulness. “Uh... Look, I’ve done a bad job, clearly. But have you seen my case load? I gotta represent the downtrodden masses and the... wossname... penniless crowds. The system deserves more money, so we can get better public servants, and so I can get some... some... slee...” He collapses, face-first onto the floor.
  2. “Don’t mind Rip Van Winkle here,” growls ‘Filthy’ Harold Callahan, a cop with little love for lawyers, kicking the sleeping attorney in the gut. “All these ‘public servants’ are doing is clogging up the system, and keeping justice from being served. I say scrap the system entirely and keep honest taxpayers from paying for the bureaucracy of criminality. Let people hire their fancy-schmancy punk lawyers if they want to, but don’t make ME pay for those bottom-feeding scum. Let’s have less talk and more justice.”
  3. “That’s ridiculous, obviously,” says government minister Justitia Caecus, as she searches for a pair of dropped contact lenses. “Public defenders and prosecutors are obviously something we can’t afford to lose. But why not go further? Why not have every individual be assigned state representation only, regardless of financial standing? That would go a long way toward promoting true justice within our nation. Sure, the lawyers might complain that you’ll be making them public servants on a public service wage, but don’t we care about fairness and justice?”
  4. “But still, it won’t be truly fair, will it?” muses futurist Diana Moon. “Even randomly allocated lawyers will vary in ability. I’ve been reading about something called Vonnegut handicapping: using external devices to create equality of ability. Allow both private and state-funded lawyers, but fit them with a shock collar that gives them distracting electrical shocks throughout a court case. The greater their recorded success rate, the more often they will receive shocks. That way, everyone will eventually receive the same level of expertise in their legal counsel. Flawless logic, correct?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, one can walk from one side of Random Chaos City to the other without setting foot on Random Chaosian soil.

2020-09-07 15:00

Dàguó Takeaway

Dàguó companies with ties to their autocratic government own a wide range of power stations, water processing plants and railway lines in Random Chaos. One such company has expressed interest in buying yet another asset: the Port of Gambler City.

  1. “You can’t be serious!” gestures Ronald Gennaro, a Dàguó defector who owns a lucrative business in Random Chaos, yet is too afraid of his birth country to list his company on the stock market. “They poisoned our water supply, burned our crops and delivered a plague unto us! Well not yet, but are we just gonna sit around and wait until they do? Dàguó’s not exactly benign on the geopolitical stage. By allowing them to invest in our commodities, we’re potentially jeopardising our national security. We need to block the sale of any asset to Dàguó.”
  2. “This is very counter-productive!” declares Dàguó’s ambassador Adama Mendez, accidentally allowing you a glimpse of his list of spies posing as construction workers. “Companies from Dàguó have brought in plenty of capital to Random Chaos, and have built and invested in a great deal of infrastructure. Dàguó projects are ultimately good for Random Chaos and it’s offensive to suggest that our companies are problematic simply because they are owned by the Dàguó government.”
  3. “If we didn’t sell off our important infrastructure in the first place, we wouldn’t have this problem, would we?” states Dixie Stone, as she uses a stack of Communist Manifestos as an impromptu soapbox. “Privatising our assets is a terrible practice; the supposed benefits have not been delivered to the people. As such, we should nationalise all corporate property right away.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, signs at the border tell international drivers where they can put their cars.

2020-09-07 09:00

Which Right Is Right?

A long-awaited undersea tunnel linking Random Chaos to the island nation of Albionia has been completed — and motorists are rejoicing, or would be — if it weren’t for the fact that Albionia drives on the opposite side of the road. Whilst the changeover happens easily, foreign motorists arriving in Random Chaos sometimes get confused over which side to drive on, leading to an increase in accidents.

  1. “I’ve had a vision on how to solve this,” states Naki Jamieson, your Transport Minister, as she places a name-tag holder around your neck. “We just need to erect more signage and road markings telling people to drive on the Random Chaosian side of the road. This simple and economic measure will remind motorists which nation they are in, and the accidents will cease.”
  2. “These Albionians are a bunch of nincompoops and a few signs won’t stop them from driving on the wrong side,” complains traffic warden Waldo Powell, who’s notorious for yelling at motorists. “I mean, I caught an Albionian going the wrong way around a roundabout. How do you even do that? Everyone knows that if you drive on the left side of the road, go clockwise, and if you drive on the right, go anti-clockwise. Signage won’t help. We need to ban Albionians from driving here until they pass our driving test.”
  3. “I have the solution... again,” declares Bodhi Wiener, your Minister of Creative Solutions, as he uses one of his shoes as an impromptu drinks holder. “Why don’t we just make all our roads one way? Then it doesn’t matter which side of the road you drive on, nor which side the steering wheel is on. It only matters in which direction you travel.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Advanced Defense Forces.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, popular cartoon characters frequently appear in government-sponsored PSAs reminding students to say no to drugs.

2020-09-07 03:00

‘A’ Is for Academic Doping

The problem of ‘academic doping’ has reared its head after a group of students were caught taking ‘smart’ drugs ahead of high school exam season. An alliance of concerned educators, anti-drug crusaders, and C-grade students have demanded an end to this practice to make sure that Random Chaos’s youth don’t become a generation of cheaters.

  1. “These students are doping themselves up to the gills in the hope it’ll improve their academic performance,” explains Student Union Vice-President for Welfare Bharatendu Wayne, while hurriedly trying to finish an assignment. “However noble their intentions, the reality is that they’re abusing drugs. We need the government to fund an education and outreach program, warning of the dangers and offering counselling and therapy. Outreach and therapy will solve this problem more than blunt law enforcement ever will.”
  2. “Education and outreach? How about I demonstrate some outreach with my truncheon!” screams the Head of Narcotics Control Gertie de Castro, accidentally knocking over a plant pot while demonstrating. “I don’t care what they’re studying: these kids are junkies and derelicts, and we need to clamp down on them. We need strong enforcement, including random drug testing, strip searches, and sniffer dogs in exam halls! Just give us the go - and the money.”
  3. “Please, show a little compassion. C-O-M-P-A-S-S-I-O-N. Compassion!” pleads national spelling champion Lars Laine, while frantically chewing his nails and twitching uncontrollably. “I have to concentrate if I’m going to get into a top university, and if a little pill can help me, then why shouldn’t it be my choice? Some students guzzle coffee or chain-smoke cigarettes, and those are much worse for their health. Cracking down on academic doping would only be punishing those who want to perform well. That would be counterproductive. C-O-U-N-T...”
  4. “Why have exams at all? Everyone knows that they’re a waste of everybody’s time,” admits visibly stressed out teacher Edna Crandall, who is on her tenth cigarette of the day. “In fact, do we really need a proper curriculum to follow? Schools and teachers should be able to teach whatever they think is relevant. This can be learning a new language or the intricacies of soap opera love triangles. The schools would save some cash, and it would make my job much easier too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, closed universities are currently being converted into McRonald's restaurants.

2020-09-06 21:00

Students Demand Financial Aid

Students from many universities in Random Chaos are protesting about the rising financial cost of studying at university and are demanding that the government provide more financial aid to students.

  1. “We need money now,” screams Monica Dumas, a student from one of the top-achieving universities in Random Chaos. “All these tuition fees are just too much! I need that money to spend on books, study materials, accommodation, and alco- well, uh, you get the gist of it. All these fees are doing is preventing people from poorer backgrounds achieving their potential. The government ought to pay for all university expenses. After all if nobody went to university where would all the doctors and teachers come from?”
  2. “OH GOD NO THE EXPENSE!” screeches Vladimir Lincoln, your Minister of Education before eventually calming down. “No, no. This is not a good idea. Do you know how high the tax rate is already without introducing something like this? We should be making tuition fees higher if anything. University is a privilege, not a right, and only the elite should be allowed within those walls. And by elite, of course, I mean rich.”
  3. “These young people are the greatest resource our nation has,” says Bob Scrooge, a famous demographer. “If you’re going to discourage them from going to university then you’re cheating our nation out of its potential. What I suggest is government-funded loans to students from poor families. That way we can have the best of both worlds without the expense. Admittedly, some may still not be able to afford it but there’s no pleasing some people.”
  4. “Why bother with universities anyway?” asks refuse collector Gretel Bannon. “These students could be working and earning a living instead of wasting time and money learning things with no point whatsoever. Who needs to know about ancient Maxtopian poetry, huh? Who would hire you for that? There are plenty of jobs out there, so why don’t they go and get one? I’ll tell you why: it’s because they are lazy. I propose the government withdraw all support for universities in Random Chaos, so people instead go get a job after they leave school. With all the money saved we can have a well-deserved tax cut too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, in distant lands the nation is known as a lovely place that was even better in the good old days.

2020-09-06 15:00

The Old Grey Matter

When newspaper The Random Chaos City Herald referred to over 65s as “society’s growing burden” and as “unproductive leeches”, there was outrage amongst the eldest generation. Looking to prove them wrong, a number of them have ganged together to create the Violet Hat Society - a gathering of retirees who are volunteering to contribute to the greater good. They’ve asked you how they can help serve Random Chaos.

  1. “I think we’ve got a lot to teach the younger generation,” says Violet Hat founder Charles Hammarskjöld, putting the finishing touches to an impressive watercolour landscape. “Perhaps we could set up an official Advice Service, to pass the wisdom of a life of experience on to the younger generation?”
  2. “Personally, I’ve always wanted to see Brancaland,” hints society member Indira Norris, packing a beige floral-print trolley-suitcase. “If the government could see its way to subsidising travel for the elderly, we could spread across the world and sing the praises of our homeland. It’d be good for the Free Land’s international image, and good for my tan. Win-win, right?”
  3. “If they really want to help, how about running some childcare for my rugrats?” asks working single dad Severus Trump, as he forks over 100 chips to a gum-chewing young lady that you presume must be his babysitter. “It’d mean people like me could get to work, and maybe even engage in... uh... social activities.” He gives a quick guilty glance at the high-heel wearing girl as she leaves.
  4. “Aren’t they lovely, these old gents and biddies?” asks thirty-year old Sonequa Claus, unaware how condescending this sounds. “No, no, we don’t need them to do anything! They’ve worked away and now they must retire and enjoy the sunshine. They can leave running the country to the young and healthy, while they go play bingo or work their allotments, or whatever it is that crusty old people like to do. Get these Purple Cap People - or whatever they call themselves - to form a working committee where they can debate with each other and keep out of everyone else’s way, then make a policy of ignoring whatever they come up with.”
  5. “If they’re healthy and capable, shouldn’t they be in the workplace?” asks tax-paying twenty-something Ayla Johnson. “Let’s do away with the idea of pensions and retirement, then they can keep contributing economically instead of spending their time pottering about, interfering with everything and asking their grand-kids when they’re going to settle down and stop traveling. Or something.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, speech bubbles are the soul of wit.

2020-09-06 09:00

A Midsummer Night’s Snooze-Fest

As legions of interns scramble to set up a stage in your office, your Minister of Theatrics dramatically announces that her Ministry has organized a play for you. The play purportedly tells a tragic story: the public apathy toward the long-dead but highly-influential Random Chaosian playwright Bill Wakesword.

  1. “I doth be the poet himself!” Minister Porklet announces, wearing purple robes and a long wig. “Once upon a merry time, my plays amazed those large and small. Now, there’s only one way to ensure Random Chaos remains in my thrall. Force my works upon the children, make them read it all! It may be true that the language doth be a few centuries old, but what is in a word? That which we call a Woodeating Spikeball by any other name would be just as Woodeating.”
  2. An intern apparently playing the part of ‘unenthusiastic teenager’ pokes the Minister with a rolled up comic book, causing him to crumble to the floor in mock agony. The intern robotically states, “Alas. Poor Wakesword. I knew him well. I would have surely been willing to get interested in Wakesword if his word choice was easier. If only we could rework Wakesword so that it appealed to me, a disaffected teenager, and my reading habits.”
  3. “All the world’s a stage, Leader, and it doth be time we saw some plays!” announces overconfident actor Rick Rear, dressed in a donkey costume and accidentally stepping on the ‘dead’ Minister. “As I, one of the greatest actors of all time, should know-eth, the best way to spread the brilliance of Wakesword is to fund school drama clubs and ye olde outdoor theatre! If we can coerce these apathetic adolescents, these indifferent infants, these bored brats to act, they will surely see the value of true literature.”
  4. Ka-boom! The wall of your office suddenly explodes, spewing fire and smoke everywhere. As the smoke clears, explosives enthusiast and the director of TransMorphers and Adolescent Monster Samurai Frogs, Michel Cove, strolls in, a second explosion obliterating the Minister’s stage. “This ‘Wakesword’ guy? Heh. His plays are older than my exes. What you need, my friend, are explosion-packed science fiction movies in the curriculum that will leave kids drooling over science and computers! The future is where the money is. The past? Who cares?” Another one of your walls explodes and he grins manically as your office burns around him.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cub scouts are being asked to hand in their woggles as the state withdraws funding for scouting.

2020-09-06 03:00

This Way’s Kinder

Hail to you! Hail Leader! Patriotism and love for your government is (naturally) on the rise, and one of your closest advisors has suggested to you that Random Chaos forms a youth organisation to teach the next generation to love you as much as this one does.

  1. “Think about it!” says sycophantic Party Coordinator Francisco Wells, with remnants of silly string and party streamers on his dress uniform suggesting he has perhaps misunderstood his job title. He stands by you on the palace balcony, gesturing to indicate a group of serious-looking children saluting a giant flag. “The patriotism in these kids is admirable! Give them an official youth organisation in the name of our righteous ideology, and call it The Children Of Leader! Teach them to sing songs, to swear allegiance to the flag, to camp in the wilderness, maybe how to clean and shoot a rifle. Who knows when a group of wonderfully fit, patriotic boys could come in handy?”
  2. “Obviously managing the nation’s youth is sensible, but training and arming them sounds a little incautious,” suggests Security Director Vandal Dimitrov. “Teach them to obey, for sure, but put them to work doing socially useful tasks instead: road building, stone breaking, window cleaning, that sort of thing. Childish high spirits are something to be broken, not encouraged.”
  3. “What have the schools been teaching my son?” yells angry mother Leia Lazenby as she drags her spotty teenage sprog into your office. As your guards attempt to remove her, she employs some impressive ju-jitsu to send them flying. “He has turned into an obsessed robot, with more respect for Leader than for his own parents! I will not let my son join an organisation for brainwashed punks! I will not let you do this to anybody’s children! We, the people, say no to state-directed youth organisations!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians can be condescending (which by the way means "showing an attitude of patronising superiority").

2020-09-05 21:00

Man of the People

Junior Culture Minister Tiberius Berenstein is thirty years your senior, but he’s always had a twinkle in his eye, a love of showmanship, and a certain lightness of step. It was therefore less surprising than it might have been when he declared that he had been approached to be a contestant in the hit reality TV show Celebrity Jungle Idol Dancing Factor. Mindful that his actions reflect on your government, he’s asking your permission to go ahead with this.

  1. “I see this as a great opportunity to get viewers interested in politics!” he says, adjusting the crotch of his sequinned leotard. “The viewing and voting public adore this show, and my going on there would be great for political engagement, great for government popularity and — I admit — great for the sales of my upcoming memoirs. It’s just a bit of fun... You wouldn’t begrudge me that, would you?”
  2. “No, no, and thrice no! Have we lost all sense of decorum?” asks Party Whip Yoko Gutenberg, trembling visibly at the thought of it all. “The mindless mob will mock us! This will undermine respect for the government and for your leadership! Frankly, this nation needs a better class of television programmes. Perhaps you could use tax incentives and subsidies to persuade the TV stations to stop running this lowbrow trash, and instead have an uplifting schedule of operettas, ballets, educational documentaries and the like? We’d be a culturally and mentally richer nation for it.”
  3. “We absolutely should let my honourable colleague make a fool of himself,” says Daenerys Navarrete, your Minister of Spin. “In fact, we should make a point of directing our politicians to feature in mindless lowbrow drivel like this as often as possible. When the masses are laughing at us they won’t notice as we tighten our grip on the country. Laughter breeds complacency, and complacency opens the door to control.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tie-dye has been outlawed for being 'too occult'.

2020-09-05 15:00

Possession, Protection or Poppycock?

After tarot cards and a Ouija-board were found in the dormitory of three teenage girls who committed suicide, paranormal objects and occult rites have become the center of a heated debate on the rising popularity of New Age spirituality.

  1. “Obviously these girls killed themselves because they lost their spiritual war with the demons they thought fun to summon,” muses Boris Harman, notorious street preacher and self-taught exorcist. “Although, I don’t blame them for being attracted to the occult, no, everyone needs spirituality. Our children just need the proper guidance, so they stay clear of the dangerous forms. The easiest way to ensure that is, of course, you banning everything that has any link with the New Age. That’ll keep those demons out. Or is it in? Anyways, ban it!”
  2. “Please don’t listen to this traditional sorry-soul,” pontificates Deborah Dihmonghali, self-proclaimed goddess and yoga-instructor, pausing briefly from transcending space and time. “Certainly there are some bad spirits out there, but you can’t beat them by robbing us of all our spiritual weapons. Instead, you should subsidize their production and make half-yearly visits to a spiritual advisor compulsory for everyone. Only then will your citizens be pure and strong enough to repel the forces of evil and remain in the light.”
  3. “Possession? Are you serious?” queries Harriet O'Hara, your unbearably uptight Minister of Conventional Solutions, while closing your curtains so as to not let the sunshine in. “These girls clearly had some issues, but not of the demonic kind. Depressed teenagers need to be dealt with through education and our health system, not through ‘channeling’, dirty bacchanals or waiting for Jupiter to align with Mars. Funky New Age spirituality only makes these things worse, especially for sensitive youngsters. To prevent this kind of thing in the future, we must increase mental health spending and set a minimum age on alternative religion.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the new foreign policy is "why bother invading neighbours when they can be bought wholesale?".

2020-09-05 09:00

Dial L for Loan

After a recent unfortunate incident involving a foreign casino, a gambling addicted crime lord, and a secret agent that was a bit too confident in his poker playing abilities, the government is currently strapped for cash. Your Finance Minister has reminded you of a swathe of delinquent government loans made to a small nameless nation in your sphere of influence that could be called in to close the budget gap.

  1. “If they can’t pay up, why we’ll get a The Hatrackia tribunal involved!” declares Lars Levi, your Finance Minister. “Start by removing their spendthrift leadership, and install a stooge, er... someone who understands the gravity of their international obligations. Next, forcibly privatize some of the most easily monetized state services. Why, I bet some of Random Chaos’s businesses might even be interested in buying them.”
  2. “How soft!” mutters Rosalina Schmidt, leader of the infamous ‘Loan and Pool Shark’ mercenaries, while menacingly holding a pool cue. “It’s time you went full repo man on these money squanderers and take what’s owed to you. They won’t dare to object to a few of their warships, crown jewels, or national treasures going to the cause.”
  3. “A thousand pardons Leader!” pleads the country’s ambassador, Owen Dett, while kissing your feet. “Although our nation is a mere insignificant speck of dirt compared to the might and majesty of your nation, we implore you to find it within your heart to forgive the debts of us, the most ‘umblest of nations.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Automobile Manufacturing Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no personal detail is too tiny for the suede-denim census police.

2020-09-05 03:00

Random Chaos Taking Leave of Its Census?

When the latest National Census asked citizens to specify everything from their shoe size to the consistency of their stools, leading privacy activists and the casually paranoid started raging that the process has become too intrusive and that the anonymity of the respondents is at risk.

  1. “Enough, I say!” melodramatically rails Warren Brandeis, while angrily doodling crude images of the male anatomy in every tick box on the census form. “With this level of detail, any hope of anonymity and personal privacy will be but a distant whisper. Why should we trust the blasted establishment to know every single detail of our lives, let alone where we live? I have no intention of entrusting the government with my full demographic profile, and I implore anyone with a shred of decency and respect for the sanctity of the domestic sphere to opt-out of this Orwellian intrusion!”
  2. “Nonsense!” counters Tracy Kim, policy wonk at the Random Chaosian Bureau of Statistics, dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s of an essay question. “Without accurate and meticulously detailed census data we’ll be completely lost! How can we make informed decisions when there’s no information? How will we know what areas of the country to target with our... welfare programs? No, we need to have greater authority to make sure everyone is filling out the census!”
  3. “Yee-haw, pardners,” strums country-music star Carrie Rivera. “No need to bring out the big guns there fella, I’m sure these fine folks would be just gosh-durned happy to fill out all of your ticky boxes, if you get them in the right mood. Let me and my friends churn out some songs advertising the glories of checking boxes, and you’ll have them lining up to submit all the data you want in no time! To make sure they really, really get the message, you should make all them medias play our hearty honky tonk exclusively during census-time! Now ain’t that a peach?”
  4. “Let’s be reasonable here,” suggests Gerald Zhu, manager at ‘Surveys R Us’, while wielding a sharp pair of scissors. “Me and the gang can trim down and freshen up the census for you - a slice here, a dice there - and make it into something so feel-good and inoffensive that nobody will object to answering it. Granted, the results will have to be a bit more, eh, let’s say ‘aggregated’, but I’m sure the boys at the Bureau will manage to make somewhat informed and semi-relevant estimates nonetheless.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, would-be emigrants are told "abandon all hope all ye who would exit here".

2020-09-04 21:00

Two Countries and a Baby

The case of baby May Takei has captured the hearts of the nation. Born with a devastating neurological disease that has impacted her entire nervous system, the young girl has been left in a vegetative state, her organs shutting down. Doctors claim she has no hope for recovery, and have received a court ruling to discontinue life support. On the day May’s parents tearfully prepare to say goodbye to their child, the neighbouring theocracy of Savoiia has granted the baby citizenship and demands that you intervene in the case and expatriate her for treatment.

  1. “Respectfully, as baby May is now a citizen of our beautiful and compassionate country, you will allow us to take her with us,” demands Steve Case, the Savoiian Ambassador to Random Chaos, as he sprinkles holy water on the child’s doctors. “We can offer her the care such a precious soul deserves. Our doctors will not only tend to her ailing body, but our people will pray for her immortal soul. We shall also work in hope of a cure, and who knows what untold miracles may come, years from now? And should she slip into the hands of Our Great Parent, then at least it will be at Their will, and not at the whim of capricious doctors. Do not give up on May. Do not condemn her to die. Release her to our custody.”
  2. “I implore you not to listen to this crackpot,” stresses Dr. Attila Huffington, a representative of the hospital, putting his head in his hands. “Baby May is completely beyond the capabilities of modern medicine. For Violet’s sake, her condition is so rare, we can’t even be sure what it is. Of course I wish we could help her. No doctor wants to see their patient die. But to keep her alive is to harm her even further. Moving her now - even to another local hospital, let alone Savoiia - would cause unnecessary physiological stress and potential trauma; she probably wouldn’t survive the trip. Even if she does, she will inevitably die there, away from her extended family and supporters. Allow us to make her comfortable here so she can die in peace.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the police double as repo men.

2020-09-04 15:00

Drive My Car

While parking your car for a short press conference to pander to families in Random Chaos City, you are besieged by citizens and cops fighting over parking tickets, of all things. All sides seem unusually passionate about the topic, and you are being increasingly surrounded by the angry crowd.

  1. “These deadbeats think that if they neglect to pay their tickets for a few months, we’ll just forget all about them,” rants Police Chief George W. Orbison while pushing aside some irritated motorists. “Well they’re wrong. The government needs more severe penalties to make an example of these criminals. After all, mis-parked cars obstruct the normal flow of traffic and annoy everybody. Hike up the fines, even take cars away from people that refuse to pay for their crimes. Then punks will know to respect my authori-tay!”
  2. “You know the real reason we have so many unpaid tickets? They are already too damn expensive!” fumes Mamiko van Straaten, one of the city’s poorest citizens. “How can someone who barely makes enough to eat possibly pay for a parking ticket? One ticket sets me back half a month and a rich guy only a minute. Tickets have to be proportional to people’s income. Then the punishment would actually fit the crime.”
  3. “How about we, the citizens of Random Chaos, finally get a break for once?” complains Sheldon Conway while parking in a public fountain and splashing everyone nearby, yourself included. “It’s not fair to make my kids wait five minutes just to find an ‘acceptable’ place to park. Let’s just get rid of all of these silly tickets once and for all. After all, who’s to say where is or isn’t a logical place to park?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the judicial branch is strongly influenced by major corporations.

2020-09-04 09:00

Supreme Court Nomination

The death of 108 year old Supreme Court Justice Sashona Riker has created an opening on the bench. Below are the possible nominees.

  1. Anne-Marie Young, the Former CEO of Random Chaos Products, says, “I have long sat by and watched our government viciously attack the big businesses in this country. The government has no right to control businesses and I will adopt that position in all of my judgements.”
  2. Reverend Earl Farmer is nominee #2. The Reverend says, “I am sick and tired of the liberals in this country ruining our family values. Every day they assault our basic sense of decency. You must vote for me to keep our families safe. Think of the children!”
  3. Gay Activist and former Senator Kendra Mansbridge is nominee #3. “Our people aren’t happy, we need more freedom, we need more civil rights. We must keep the government out of the bedroom. We must respect people’s right to privacy and remember that personal relations are just that, personal.”
  4. Environmental Activist Quincy Skinner argues, “Our government has been constantly violating Mother Earth and her rights, all our politicians talk about are civil rights, civil rights this, civil rights that, blah blah blah. We aren’t important, what is important is the Earth!”
  5. The last nominee is the retired Five Star General Virginia Bishop. “We are ridiculed throughout the international community for our low quality weaponry, our police and military numbers are not sufficient. Our military must be protected from both constitutional and civilian oversight. They should be given money, and a free hand.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Welfare Programs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sexually-starved male dinosaurs terrorise tourists during weekly breakouts from Mesozoic Park.

2020-09-04 03:00

Mesozoic Park

A wealthy industrialist has come to the government asking for support with building a massive theme park in a remote island off the Random Chaosian coast... stocked with dinosaurs!

  1. “This technology has so much potential!” extols eccentric billionaire Ron Hammond, while enjoying a tub of ice-cream. “With the right investment, my company could get this park up and running within a few years. Picture it: the Plesiosaur Paddling Pool, the Tricerosaurus Petting Zoo, trained Velociraptor tour guides - the kids will love it! All we need is a little government support in rounding up the strays and finishing off the fences, but there’s no need to worry about safety - to ensure everything remains under control, we’ve made sure all the animals are males.”
  2. “Evolution and natural selection selected these creatures for extinction for a reason,” muses Jeff Malcolm, a famed mathematician, “And, um, what right do we have to play God? Gee, the lack of humility before nature that’s being displayed here, uh... staggers me. If there’s one thing that history, uh, has taught us, it’s that you can’t control nature. The park is doomed to fail... well, there it is.”
  3. “Maybe we can’t control these animals,” interjects the pint-sized manager of exotic restaurant “Big Eats” Ásmunda Bush, “but we sure can eat them. Stegosaurus steak, Brachiosaurus burger, Micropachycephalosaurus melba... the list goes on. Allow us to farm a few of these beasties - the harmless ones only, of course - and liven up the nation’s stale palate.”
  4. “Cool!” exclaims your nephew Jimmy, scrambling over your desk to get a closer look at the plans. “I’ve always wanted a pet Maxosaurus! I’ll feed it, take it for walkies, and it can sleep at the end of my bed. And it’ll show Dennis and his pet snake who’s the best.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, demand for night vision goggles and boat engine mufflers has spiked.

2020-09-03 21:00

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

Mounting scientific research shows the fishery stocks across territorial waters are plummeting, with the possibility of whole fisheries collapsing in the near future.

  1. “There is only one reasonable thing to do,” proclaims Barry Boothroyd, head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Fish. “We must immediately introduce limited fishing quotas, add restrictions on catch size, and punish any violators harshly! There simply aren’t enough fish to go around. I’m afraid the fishing industry will just have to take one for the school.”
  2. “Hold on there, matey!” exclaims Fleur Hanover, head of the Trawler and Angler Trade Union of Random Chaos. “Surely there are plenty of fish in the sea, at least in the remote, international waters of The Hatrackia? The government must subsidize a massive fleet of full sea trawlers. Do that and we’ll have those fine-finned delicacies back on your table in no time!”
  3. “There is inadequate data to know with such certainty fisheries are in danger of collapse,” suggests Klaus Nygma, contrarian professor in the Department of Marine Studies and Fin Cuisine at University of Random Chaos City while reaching for a slice of lemon. “Maybe it’s been a rough few years for our gilled friends for reasons other than the millions of fish we catch a year. The only thing to do is collect more data. Keep things as they are and continue to monitor fish intake. If fish catches continue to decrease over the next two to three hundred years, then we can be sure we have a problem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is engaging in an agricultural trade war with Maxtopia.

2020-09-03 15:00

Farmers Seeding Discontent

Farmers throughout the country are threatening a nationwide strike, because their domestic produce cannot compete with cheap foreign imports. They demand that the government step in and protect the agricultural sector.

  1. “Foreign competition is slowly destroying us!” yells Beyonce Columbus while waving a pitchfork. “We invest so much effort and time to get a quality yield, and eventually we end up throwing everything away because those cheap, plastic Maxtopian tomatoes are sold for half the price! I swear they taste like compost wrapped in iceburg lettuce, and yet Random Chaosians still buy the damned things! We, the farmers of Random Chaos, demand agricultural subsidies so we can lower our prices and compete fairly with imports. After all, our food security depends upon domestic production.”
  2. Economic analyst Freddy Kennedy has other ideas. “There’s an easier way to support farmers without spending millions on farms that never went beyond ox plowing. Just raise tariffs. Agriculture will be protected from a transnational race to the bottom, and Random Chaosians get a little tax cut to boot. The tariffs will be unpopular abroad, but this conundrum only exists because of Maxtopia’s long history of protectionism.”
  3. “Are these people serious?” scoffs Lisa Rhodes, owner of A Whole Shipload, LLC. “Subsidies, tariffs, what is all that about? You’re messing with the free market here! If foreign produce is cheaper, then that means they’re better at doing their jobs. These ungrateful peasants just want government coddling, because they can’t pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. It’s time that Random Chaos promote personal responsibility instead of pandering to the weak. Crush the strike by abolishing all foodstuff tariffs, and then we can import as much as we like.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corrupt paupers spend taxpayer chips on liquor and tobacco.

2020-09-03 09:00

Alms and Qualms

Leaked financial reports have revealed that three of the five largest supposedly nonprofit charity organizations in Random Chaos have sent a substantial amount of their revenue to offshore bank accounts over the last fiscal year, with a negligible percentage going to the causes they champion. The altruists who donated to these faux-philanthropic facades are demanding that action be taken.

  1. “They’ve not only manipulated us, they’ve given false hope to the destitute!” cries François Rose, head of the dozen or so philanthropists crowded around your desk. “Half of my paycheck went to the charity BrasilistanWe last month, but according to the leaked documents, the money that should have gone to those poor children instead went toward jet skis, liquor, and goodness knows what else. The government must mandate that charities be completely transparent with their activities. We’ll pay for the government monitors and investigators. Just see to it that our aid goes to the needy!”
  2. “It truly is a sad day when humanity forsakes itself for material wealth,” laments an ascetic monk, flagellating himself in your office. “I implore the citizenry to ignore avaricious secular charities, as they seek to take advantage of the people’s altruism. Mandate that only religious charities can take donations since the Great Callipygian One’s guidance makes us truly care for the needy. Alms-giving is an integral column of our clergy, and we have the numbers and the devotion to see our duties through.”
  3. “To the typical observer, it seems like we’ve been dishonest,” sighs the CEO of the charity BrasilistanWe. “In truth, we sent our monies to offshore bank accounts so that they could accumulate interest, giving us more funds to help those in poverty. We were also planning to invest donations in some very lucrative stocks to generate more funds. This is what we resort to because not many people donate to charity. Ignore the exposés, allow us to continue our operations, and donate a sizable amount of cash to us to restore the people’s confidence in our foundation. We’ll help all the poor unfortunate souls with your contributions.”
  4. “Y’know, maybe it’d be best if the government make private charities less necessary by directly helping people instead,” dribbles a beggar who was part of an earlier photo op showcasing the government helping the poor. “Private donations depend on people’s goodwill, a scarce resource. Taxes are harder to avoid! Random Chaos will be the world’s greatest charity! You could really help out poor folk here and abroad!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Automobile Manufacturing Sector and Most Advanced Defense Forces.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, whipping posts and lashes have been transferred to the Historical Museum of Random Chaosian Embarrassments.

2020-09-03 03:00

Whipping Up a Controversy

Amnesty Interregional has repeatedly ranked Random Chaos as one of the worst human rights abusers in the world, citing your government’s severe punishments for ordinary crimes. Embarrassed by the bad press, your government is considering ending its practice of flogging criminals.

  1. “This punishment is barbaric!” cries leading activist Meadow Smith, while whipping out leaflets on Random Chaosian law enforcement. “We’re no better than backward dictatorships like Maxtopia who flog their criminals for the most trivial of crimes! Random Chaos is a nation of decency and respect, but these whippings tarnish our reputation for humanity. We implore the government to end this medieval practice now!”
  2. “Are you kidding me?” rhetorically asks the precinct’s premier whipper, Kim Chapman, while applying a new grip to his favorite cat o’ nine tails. “Flogging criminals is so exciting - I mean effective. Yeah, effective. I deter criminals from misbehaving with the lash of my whip. If anything, you should expand the list of crimes punishable by flogging. Then I could really have some fun!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, out-of-work basketball players loom over the unemployment line.

2020-09-02 21:00

Varsity Blues

After a group of colleges announced their intentions to establish student athletic programs and a fully-operating league, Random Chaos has been swept up in a wave of pep rallies and vigorous debate.

  1. “This gets an A from me,” says Wesley Claus, self-proclaimed President of the Random Chaos College Athletics Association, while admiring some practicing footballers. “Allowing students to exercise their body as well as their mind prepares them for a fit and healthy life and makes them much more attractive candidates when seeking a job. After all, who wouldn’t want to draft a fit and muscular student?”
  2. “We’re not here to ogle over a bunch of dumb jocks,” flatly states Bruce Johnson, an undergraduate studying for a degree in public speaking. “This is merely a waste of money that would be much better spent on expanding libraries and academic facilities for all students. Why should we fritter away money on funding athletic programs when students can just as well achieve the same goals of exercise on their own? We must make sure that this trend is stopped dead in its tracks.”
  3. “I say, old sport, these fellows do have interesting proposals, but I have a much better idea!” proclaims Heidi Quinn, who waves around a fencing sword for dramatic effect. “We should leave money and professionalization out of all matters regarding sport. The very ideal of athletics is to play for the passion and romance of the game, not for petty paychecks or incentives.” She adds a flourish that forces you to duck out of the way of the sword.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many politicians carry out their morning ablutions in public restrooms.

2020-09-02 15:00

A Call for Change

Foreign tourists visiting your nation’s cities have frequently commented on the high number of vagrants, beggars and panhandlers, especially around the major attractions. Now that the world-renowned Fat Tyreman Travel Guide has felt the need to specifically write an article called “10 Ways to Dodge Beggars in Random Chaos City”, it’s probably time you addressed this national embarrassment.

  1. “Get gone, scum!” commands a police patrolman, displacing a camp of itinerants from a historic park. He turns to you. “Boss, we need more leeway in how we persuade vagrants to move on. I’m not talking about extreme measures here, just judiciously applied threats of arrest, the occasional tap from a truncheon, and maybe a water cannon or two.”
  2. “You think they want to beg?” complains homeless left-wing protest musician Billy Boast, as he tries to free himself from the policeman’s grip. “We, the poor, are being trodden down by the rich. All we want is our fair share! I’m not talking about a socialist revolution here, just a few million social housing units and enough money for the bare necessities of life!”
  3. “The problem isn’t begging in general, but specifically beggars ruining the ambience of culturally significant sites,” observes Sean Fox, from the Tourism Board. “Instead, subsidise construction of fences and walls around tourist attractions, so that only those that have an appropriately pricey entry ticket can enter the tourist areas. I’m not talking about defensive moats here, just some screening partitions to keep the riff-raff out.”
  4. “Like that cartoon says: Hakuna Matata!” offers jovial beggar Tim Onn, with a little dance. “That means no worries, for the rest of your days! It’s not such a bad life out on the street, Leader; you should try it for yourself. The open air, the sunshine, the refreshing rain... aaaaahhh! I’m not talking about making yourself homeless, but... hmm... actually, that IS what I’m talking about! To give you the chance to experience the wonderful world of wandering free, me and my buddies will trade possessions with you and your colleagues. Give me your house, your bank account, your jacket, your boots, your motorcyc... Sorry, wrong film. Give us all your stuff, and give the vagrant’s life a try. Hakuna Matata!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is reining in public spending.

2020-09-02 09:00

Citizens Struggle Under “Unfair” Tax Burden

A recent poll has revealed high levels of dissatisfaction among the populace about tax rates.

  1. “Do you know how much of my year’s work goes to the government?” demands angry worker Cassidy Octavian. “Too much! Government spending has gotten way out of control. It needs big cuts in welfare, health, and education. But leave those subsidies to business alone. We need them to create jobs.”
  2. “It’s not the AMOUNT of tax, it’s where the burden falls,” says student activist Hamlet van de Berg. “And at the moment, far too much of the burden is falling on the poor. People on high incomes still have more money than people on low incomes. I don’t think I need to say anything more than that.”
  3. “I don’t object to the amount of tax, I object to where it’s being spent,” says social reformer Marina Columbus. “I’d like to see everyone have a choice as to where their chips go every time they fill out a tax return. Everyone would feel a lot better about opening their wallets if they had a say as to where the money went. I think you’d see a lot more public money going to education and a lot less to business.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Avoided.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nocturnal light pollution is mostly blue.

2020-09-02 03:00

Resting in Peace

Truck drivers are complaining that designated highway rest areas are always full, and many have taken to parking by the roadside.

  1. “Reckless parking can cause deadly accidents — for example, two nights ago a car collided with an articulated truck parked on the highway ramp, causing a four car pile-up and five casualties,” reports patrol officer Dick Doolittle. “While that driver was prosecuted for vehicular manslaughter, there ought to be stricter punishments for inconsiderate parking, even when no accident ensues. Increase the police budget, and empower us to issue punitive on-the-spot penalty notices, and we’ll end this problem once and for all.”
  2. “What else can we do?” asks big rig driver Kathleen Lee, who had been blocking your front door with her afternoon nap. “There’s a big shortage of parking spaces at designated rest areas, forcing us to park wherever we can. Prosecution will not solve this problem, more parking spaces for me and my colleagues will.”
  3. “People should buy more local produce instead,” suggests Onya Baike, from the eco-advocate organisation Carbon Counts. “We propose that you should tax cargo-carrying road vehicles increasing amounts proportional to the fuel used in transportation. I’m sure rising costs create rising prices, which will change consumer behaviour, which will mean less haulage traffic on the road, which means no parking problems.”
  4. “What if a parked truck didn’t block the road?” muses 8-year-old Norman Scheer, playing with his toy cars. “Trucks should have fold-out ramps at the front and back of their trucks so cars can safely drive over them when they’re parked. Even if you’ve got lots of trucks parked back-to-back, you could link their ramps together and make a rooftop road!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Great Random Chaosian Desert is reputedly the most uninhabitable place in the region.

2020-09-01 21:00

From Green Pastures to Grey Wastelands

In the quest for high yields and low prices, Random Chaos’s thriving agricultural industry has all but destroyed the fertility of the soils it ploughs, turning arable farmlands into barren deserts. Food prices have risen dramatically and the general population are calling foul. A coalition of concerned citizens, farmers, and major unions have called for the government to act quickly and decisively.

  1. “These people make me want to scream,” says Ebenezer Strange, a distinguished eremologist. “For so long, the supermarkets have indoctrinated the belief that we deserved those low prices, as if it was a birthright. But it’s not. We’ve plundered nature for too long and now we’re suffering the consequences. The government needs to lay down some strict laws over how we farm so we can do it in a sustainable way. By the time the industry has destroyed our farmlands, those corporations will have moved on elsewhere and we’ll be left starving in the streets.”
  2. “Yeah, right. And while the government is destroying half of the agricultural market, the customers- ah- the people will be paying through the nose for loaves of bread,” counters Khethiwe Butt, CEO of Corporal Foods Corporation, a multinational farming conglomerate. “Do you honestly think the people will accept such an outrageous solution? Not having to worry about where your next meal’s coming from is what makes this such a great country! Forget this environmental nonsense and give us the money as subsidies - then we can buy more land and drive prices down again.”
  3. “We’re all to blame for this mess, ayup,” says Mr Rubeus Gubbins, an independent farmer who only sells locally. “But I don’t see why we should do anything to help the biggest contributors to this disaster, and that’s them blasted corporations with their market projections and their shareholders. Parasites the lot of ‘em! They should all be kicked out of Random Chaos and be forced to give the farmlands back to folk like m’self who’ll grow enough to feed locally but not so much that I might as well be sowing salt in the ground.”
  4. “How are you still afloat?” asks Rajesh Hesse, another farmer. “Don’t listen to him. He’s from a time when economies only existed as far as you could walk or steer a horse carriage for a day. It’s a global economy we have now, and sub-standard produce for high prices is not, and should not, be the norm. Helping the environment with regulation will kill the industry stone dead and still leave us with high prices. The government should be promoting and funding scientific research into making the status quo sustainable - not punishing hard-working citizens for wanting to eat more than potatoes and rice.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only the fast and the furious are brave enough to drive.

2020-09-01 15:00

The Road to Hell

Your impatient and inattentive niece has, somehow, passed her driving test. With the roads of Random Chaos now feeling less safe than ever before, your family has come together over a celebratory dinner to discuss this matter in equal amounts of jubilation and trepidation.

  1. “What idiot passed her?” bemoans your sister, in a voice laden with maternal protectiveness. “I drove her to the test centre and saw everything. Her test had barely begun, when she had to consider a group of young school children crossing the street. She honked at them so furiously that they had to run to get across the road. Then, she took off so fast that she drove straight into a brick wall. Yet she still passed her test! Leader, you must standardise driving examinations and test the examiners themselves against the same standards. Then there’ll be less people like my daughter on the roads.”
  2. “Mum, that’s so not fair!” squeals your niece. “Those school kids were like, deliberately walking slowly — wasting my time on purpose — I have a right to make them move more quickly. And like, what a dumb place to put a wall: right in front of a prison of all places! Anyway, the examiner, Khethelo, was like really cool; it turned out that we went to the same school and we had a really good gossip about Mr. Normous, our old Maths teacher. In his opinion, if there were ‘other reasons’ to pass me, then his professional judgement must be accepted. I have my license now, fair and square, kind of!”
  3. “My little niece has a license now? That’s so cool!” exclaims your brother, who is your niece’s favourite uncle. “Hey girl, leave these squares to finish their dinner by themselves. Let’s go for a spin in my car, you can drive, show me how you passed your test! In fact, we should show that sibling of mine that the government should do away with licenses altogether; learning by doing is always the best teacher!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are frequently searched for illegal weapons.

2020-09-01 09:00

With Liberty, Freedom, and Guns for All?

After the banning of firearms in Random Chaos, the underground Random Chaos Handgun Association went public, staging huge protests in an effort to turn over the firearms ban.

  1. “We need our guns back!” shouts Hugo Lovegood, wildly waving a water pistol in the air. “This is an infringement on our personal rights! If someone went and killed a bunch of people with a cricket bat would you ban them too? Sure people will be killed, but that’s the price you’ve gotta pay for freedom! These liberals keep talking about legalising drugs because if we can’t control them, we might as well join them. Humbug! I say we should do the same for guns!”
  2. “Nonsense!” insists Michelle Mires, while handcuffing herself to your leg. “Guns pose a risk to people’s lives! No one should have the freedom to be stupid! Do you realise just how easy it could be for someone to get hold of a gun and just go and kill people? If you allow everyone to have guns, you’re going to be condemning people to death! The answer to safety isn’t more guns - it’s more policemen on the beat, more serious attention brought to gun-smuggling, and banning toy guns and gun-related violence on the television. We’ve got to get it into people’s heads - guns are BAD.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cane fights are a common sight in nursing homes.

2020-09-01 03:00

The Sickest Criminals

Inmate Ken Wolowitz died in prison yesterday after years of battling cancer. The death of the prisoner has prompted humanitarian groups to call for a compassionate release policy for terminally ill and elderly inmates.

  1. “A portion of our imprisoned population lives in holding cells when they really belong in hospice care,” says well-known philanthropist Preeti Duterte, wringing her hands over the images of bedraggled inmates in grimy cells that she has spread across your desk. “A compassionate release system will allow these inmates to live out their days free from the encumbrance of incarceration. Yes, they might be criminals, but anyone who considers the elderly, debilitated, or dying a danger to society should consider a wellness check themselves.”
  2. “We can’t just release inmates every time they get a hangnail,” wheezes sickly-looking former sheriff Yuri Locke, as he slaps a truncheon in his palm. “Sure, compassionate release might cut costs, but at what cost to the community? Tell me, what’s stopping these crazies from going on crime sprees following their release? Arthritis? Keep these people in prison, Leader! Convicts should serve the entirety of their sentences, even if it means they get paroled out the back door.”
  3. “I’m all in favor of keeping criminals off the streets, but prison infirmaries aren’t adequately equipped or staffed to handle inmates who often end up sick, stabbed, or sometimes both,” declares prison nurse Clint Shaft, as he shows you over a dozen shanks he has collected from his patients. “I mean, the sheer number of items one can substitute for a surgical suture is impressive and all, but Random Chaos should really invest in prison medical facilities and personnel capable of supporting all who dwell within the walls.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has forked out millions on an unmade bed that is apparently East Lebatuckese "art".

2020-08-31 21:00

Gallery in Need of a Renaissance

Having suffered from a continual decline in visitor numbers, the National Art Gallery of Random Chaos reached a new low yesterday, as just two visitors came through the turnstiles - one of whom was only there to fix the plumbing. Artists and aesthetes are demanding the government revamp the dated gallery to revitalise the nation’s fading enthusiasm for the arts.

  1. “The reality is, no one cares about some portrait of a smirking woman from hundreds of years ago,” asserts conceptual artist and millionaire Tina Hirst, pouring formaldehyde over a chainsawed gambler. “To get people excited about the arts, we need to display artworks that are relevant to this day and age — like mine.”
  2. “Our National Art Gallery is no place for your avant-garde junk!” responds caustic art critic Ryan Sewer, admiring a renaissance-era still life of a fruit bowl. “The National Art Gallery is underfunded. The government needs to spend more on preserving and promoting our creative heritage, or we risk becoming a nation of uncultured swine!”
  3. “There’s no need to be bitter over the differences in your aesthetic tastes,” soothes sociologist Carmen Vargas. “Our galleries need diversity. We should fill them with works from around the world, from all styles, and from all eras. Then we can proudly consider ourselves a beacon for cultural tolerance.”
  4. “This just goes to show that the common man lacks the percipience to truly appreciate art,” scoffs Lord Marmaduke, handing his monocle to his butler to polish. “If these plebs cannot appreciate the magnificent works the National Gallery have on display, they should be in the hands, and dare I say houses, of those with the taste - and perhaps money - to do so.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, black market eau de toilette is made in bathroom labs across the nation.

2020-08-31 15:00

Scents and Sensibility

More and more people have been developing allergies — some severe — to especially potent scents. Allergy specialists and sufferers alike are asking you to stick your nose into this business.

  1. “Everyone knows that we cannot bear these malodorous assaults on our senses!” protests nasally-sensitive allergy specialist Rosemary Thyme between sneezes. “I am persistently surrounded by people who drown themselves in Eternity Is a Long Time or Channel Number 5: A Newswoman’s Perfume. Who knows what these allergic reactions are costing the economy due to lost productivity? Ban the sale of these products!”
  2. “While Rosie has the right idea, an outright ban is only one part of the equation,” gasps Lavender O’Dor, choking due to your fragrant aroma. “You need enforcement officers to make sure people are in full compliance with any perfume ban, which should also include body lotions, deodorants, the lot! My sanity depends on this!”
  3. “You want to tell me what I can and cannot wear when it comes to my personal grooming?” snorts neighbourhood narcissist Imma Mirorslav. “That idea stinks. Darling, listen, I have certain standards to uphold, and my collection of 250 perfumes are a vital part of who I am! If these nosy persons cannot stand being around my exquisite self, perhaps they should all hold their noses instead.”
  4. “While I empathise completely with the plight of these people, there surely has to be a sensible solution to this,” coos fragrance magnate Calvin Colon, who nonchalantly slips a few samples of his latest scents into your pocket. “I smell an opportunity here for fairness: just legislate that every workplace should have sections for those who want to adorn their beautiful bodies with my creations, and for those who prefer… natural scents.” He wrinkles his nose disdainfully.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, unused plastic recycling bins are being dumped into landfills by the tonne.

2020-08-31 09:00

One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Recyclable

A recent study by some self-righteous college students revealed that an alarming number of recyclable items are being thrown into the garbage. In order to bring more attention to this issue, a handful of particularly dedicated environmentalists - calling themselves ‘Save Our Trash’ - are camping out in the dumpster behind your home. They claim that they will not leave until the government takes action.

  1. “How can people care so little for Mother Earth?” grouses a grouchy, green-haired man named Oscar, who has taken up residence in one of your trash cans. “The government needs to do a hell of a lot more to inform people about the importance of recycling. You should throw everything you’ve got at the problem: public service announcements, sorting classes for the kids, bins in every conceivable place. You could even fine those lazy people who refuse to properly dispose of recyclables.”
  2. “There’s no reason to punish Random Chaosians when industry bears most of the blame for pollution,” suggests Khethiwe Svensson while struggling to open a hard plastic stay-fresh shell containing a pre-peeled banana. “By taxing inefficient manufacturers for all of this ridiculously excessive packaging, the government could discourage commercial waste and even make itself some money. Hey, an environmentalist policy that generates revenue - now there’s an idea.”
  3. “Meh. Is this really such a big deal?” yawns city worker Billy Carpenter, finishing off his tea in a delicate porcelain cup, before throwing the whole thing into the nearest garbage can. “Being neurotic over trash just makes people unhappy and forces them to feel guilty about shopping. You should actually be encouraging people to throw stuff away without thinking too hard about it - a culture of disposable items drives consumption, which in turn makes for a strong economy. And that’s what matters.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Welfare Programs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, airport announcements inform passengers that flights have been delayed because pilots are having afternoon naps.

2020-08-31 03:00

Feeling Down

Tragedy struck when commercial airline pilot Penny Abbott deliberately crashed her airplane into a mountain, causing the death of the 416 passengers and 12 crew on board. Afterwards, a medical report was leaked to the press revealing that the pilot had been declared “unfit for work” and suicidal by her doctor, but had failed to report this information to her employer.

  1. “What happened was the doctor’s fault!” complains the pilot’s brother, who is also blaming shoddy construction work for the broken door he kicked open to enter your office. “Had that quack reported the diagnosis to the airline, my beloved sibling would still be alive, as would all those other people. Pilots should be obliged to undergo regular mental evaluations and if someone is deemed unstable, the doctor should be required to report this to the aviation authorities.”
  2. “Look, the solution doesn’t have to involve breaches of confidentiality and invasions of privacy,” suggests a rep from the Federation Union of Commercial United Pilots. “The problem is a different one. Pilots in this country are completely mistreated, with airlines working them too hard for adequate mental health. It’s no wonder that some of them get depressed, or burn out. Airlines should be made to pay better wages, to provide more sociable hours, and to grant more paid downtime between flights.”
  3. “Are you insane?” interjects Yoshi Fowler, CEO of budget airline EasyBlues. “Do you have any idea how much that would cost us? Do you want to be the one who forces ticket prices up? This all happened because the pilot who crashed the damn plane locked the cockpit when his co-pilot stepped out for a few minutes. Just enact laws that keep both pilot and co-pilot in the cockpit at all times. Cuff them to their seats for the duration of the flight; that’ll stop them wandering.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, builders across Random Chaos are blocked up with orders for new public loos.

2020-08-30 21:00

Nowhere to Go!

A number of citizens concerned about the lack of water closets in Random Chaos have kicked up such a stink that you’ve agreed to meet the various groups at your convenience.

  1. “I can’t hold it in any longer!” bursts out Violet Eliot, red-faced and desperate. “The need for more free public conveniences in Random Chaos is painfully obvious. We demand the government roll out a program of construction lest the lack of them causes a stain on our good nation.”
  2. “Yes there is a need for more public facilities, but that is such a bog standard solution and would generate so much paperwork,” says Luigi Loo, head of Random Chaos’s largest plumbing contractor, Go With The Flow. “Take the plunge with us and we’ll give Random Chaos the fanciest conveniences in The Hatrackia. I admit this might require customers to spend a penny or two, but they’ll feel flushed with success when they see what they get in return.”
  3. “I have another solution!” cries Cho Lowe, spokesbeing of eccentric primitivist group Nature’s Call as they take a stool by your desk. “I suggest you wash your hands of the matter by closing what facilities there are, and allow citizens to get back to basics by making it legal for any of us to use the nearest bush.” A twig that you hadn’t previously noticed falls from their hair.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, organ donation is compulsory.

2020-08-30 15:00

Compulsory Organ Harvesting Proposed

Tempers flare in Random Chaos as civil libertarians and the healthcare lobby clash once again over mandatory post-mortem organ donation.

  1. “It’s not as crazy as it sounds,” says Dr. Colleen Egan. “Every day, people die because we don’t have the organs to save them. Well, that and widespread under-funding of the health system. But the point is, if the government allowed us to take organs from dead people, we could save hundreds of lives a year. And come on, it’s not like dead people need them.”
  2. “You keep your damn hands off my organs!” says alarmed hospital patient Heston Looney. “They are my organs, and I’ll do with them what I like. The government has no right to my body.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are prohibited from raising their voice above thirty decibels in commercial districts.

2020-08-30 09:00

Preach It!

Street preachers delivering their sermons and self-proclaimed salvation have been popping up all over Random Chaos.

  1. “These people chase all of my customers away!” exclaims restaurateur Wei Wong. “I own a premier establishment in downtown Random Chaos City. Every day I lose more and more business thanks to these crazy bigots and extremists rambling on about the ‘end times’ and ‘confessing our sins’! One of them tried to convert my cook! For the sake of every business owner in the nation, you must ban street preaching.”
  2. “What about my right to speak the truth?” questions Brian Dvořák, who often holds impromptu ‘sermons’ outside of government buildings. “As opposed to popular belief, I do not preach hate. I am the deliverer of salvation and you shall not interfere! All Random Chaosians are equal before our Creator and will be judged irrespective of wealth or status! Follow me and together we will be prepared to face the end days to come!”
  3. “There is a better way to go about this,” suggests Heather Long, your Minister of Compromises. “The most common complaints against street preaching are on the grounds of harassment and noise pollution. I say the most logical approach is to administer permits to those who wish to speak on public property, with a police presence to make sure they don’t cause any trouble. That’s fair, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, witnesses have to run a gauntlet of mob enforcers to testify at trials.

2020-08-30 03:00

Hearsay Heresy

In a recent high profile trial in Random Chaos City, notorious mobster Maxine ‘The Octopus’ Barryotti was accused of murder, racketeering, grand theft, and jaywalking. The trial ended in acquittal on all counts after several witnesses - who had given detailed and damning out-of-court statements to police - failed to come to court. The prosecutor’s office has now come to you demanding that Random Chaos review its laws regarding the use of out-of-court statements.

  1. “What a miscarriage of justice!” shouts disgruntled district attorney Haley Dent, as she flings a huge stack of police reports on your desk. “Look at all of these great statements made by a dozen witnesses, but now that jerk Maxine goes free just because they didn’t personally show up. You know how hard it is to wrangle up a dozen witnesses for trial? Like herding bats! That trial should have ended in a guilty verdict after five minutes, but the way things are it’s a coin-flip whether justice is done or not. If a witness makes a report to a cop, that cop should be able to testify to what was said.”
  2. “You can’t be serious!” cries family attorney Tam Hagen, who defended Barryotti. “Don’t you realize we have this rule against out-of-court statements for a reason? A person can only have a fair trial if they get to confront their accuser face to face in open court. Sometimes the reason witnesses don’t show up to trial is that they know they were lying to police all along! Allowing in all of these out-of-court statements will mean more innocent people get convicted. Sure, sometimes a guilty person will go free... ahem, not my client of course, but some actually guilty person. But isn’t it better a thousand guilty people go free than to wrongfully convict even a single person?”
  3. “All of this is too complicated,” interrupts Mark Commodus, an imperious-seeming minister, “and this right here is why people are so darn sick of all these courts and legal shenanigans. Seems like any way you slice it, dumb rules get in the way of justice. I propose a third way: bring back trial by combat! Let the accused wrestle with a gambler, and if they win they didn’t do it and get to go free. If they lose, we bury their remains in a shallow grave. It’s a foolproof system that our ancestors used for a thousand years, and I’ll tell ya, they didn’t waste a pretty penny on it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cyclists spend more time unlocking their bicycles than they do cycling.

2020-08-29 21:00

A Problem Shared

Bike-sharing organisations in Random Chaos are facing a bump in the road: inconsiderate users. From theft to vandalism, irresponsible users are forcing bikes to be replaced at unprecedented rates. The future looks bleak for bike-sharing, and without some swift intervention, the sound of bike bells across the nation’s cities may be consigned to distant memory.

  1. “The misuse of our bikes must stop!” exclaims Zeus Cullen, the CEO of Cycology Degrees, an urban bike-sharing franchise, his two-wheeler tracking mud across your expensive carpet as he parks it against your bookcase. “It is essential that the police are given the resources to catch and punish citizens who damage or disappear our bicycles. Otherwise, our burgeoning bike-sharing scene will collapse even before it has taken off.”
  2. “Clearly, this is a failure of the private sector,” claims Conan King, the Minister of National Development, adjusting his red beret. “If such enterprises were to be nationalised, we could ensure that all bicycles used meet safety and security standards. By retrofitting every bike in the land with theft-proof components, auto-locking mechanisms and GPS tracking systems, we’ll be able to ensure no bicycle will ever be stolen or tampered with again.”
  3. “Nonsense! What those bike-sharing organisations actually require are more easily replaceable stock,” argues origami-lover Jennifer Rodriguez, passing you a folded paper unicorn of unknown significance. “Inexpensive eco-friendly cardboard bikes would surely save loads of money, are entirely safe, and are fully waterproof and fire-resistant. If it wasn’t for user scepticism, we’d have been using them long ago. You could encourage their use by banning metal bikes, and with a few business subsidies.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's green cities are indeed concrete jungles.

2020-08-29 15:00

LEEDing From Behind

A new administrative building for the Environmental Department is under fire from watchdog groups. An investigation found — among other things — that valuable wetland was drained for the foundation, unsustainable materials were used during construction, and energy-inefficient methods were chosen for the mechanical systems.

  1. “The government needs to do better,” tuts Grace Burton, an activist planted outside the department building. “All government agencies must be required to undergo an environmental impact assessment before any proposed action — building or otherwise. Not only do agencies need to report critical habitat affected as well as embodied energy costs for materials, et cetera; they must be required to follow the most environmentally friendly option possible. If even one thing is found out of place, a project shouldn’t be allowed to go through. The conservation benefits are certainly worth it in the end.”
  2. “There’s no way that our government could afford the highest level of environmental certifications on every government building!” excitedly cautions Llywelyn Henderson, the Treasury Minister. “However, I do realize the need for our nation to be environmentally responsible. Go through with mandating a permitting process, but only for non-government construction! Let us take over the process of awarding green certification so that we can charge fees for everyone. This will be great for our nation’s treasury and our environment!”
  3. “There’s no reason to go through with this,” urges your Minister of Housing whilst urinating on a potted plant. “In fact, I say we teach these radical hippies a lesson. I have a list of the fragile habitats surrounding Random Chaos City, home to some useless endangered snail species that no one cares about except these annoying tree huggers. I’ve also got three orders filed for United Federation granite — I hear they recently opened up one of their national parks for mining. Just say the word, and these ecofascists will be living their worst nightmare. Maybe then they’ll get the message.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign spirits are hard to find due to an abundance of "Cletus and Jim Bob's Homemade Random Chaosian Moonshine".

2020-08-29 09:00

Champagne in the Glass

Overnight, police in Random Chaos City raided dozens of stores selling counterfeit wine that was masquerading as vintages from Random Chaos, but actually originated from Dàguó. Furious wine executives and other lobbyists have pressed into your office the following day, afroth with rage.

  1. “This foreign rotgut is a threat to job-creating Random Chaosian businesses!” rages Julie Gallow, head of one of the country’s largest wineries. “I’m trying to serve our fine vintages like Dom Prétention and Maxtepulciano d’Abruzzo to Random Chaosians, but people end up buying fake crap. We must create a special Liquor Legitimacy Office - covering both customs and law enforcement - to ensure the integrity of the products being sold. I’d drink to that!”
  2. “Yeah, like that’ll work,” scoffs Louis Nygma, head of the Random Chaos City Corner Store Alliance. “You’ll only end up raising taxes through the roof, eliciting lots of boos throughout Random Chaos! Scotch that idea. If anything, we need LESS regulation and rules on local liquor and wine producers, especially if you’re so damn worried about importing phony hooch. A few tax credits for these hard-working entrepreneurs wouldn’t hurt either. Let’s give it a shot!”
  3. “Our friend from the winery has an excellent idea. After all, bureaucracy solves everything,” chimes in red-tape lover Norm Gumble, who was reportedly voted ‘most likely to correct your grammar’ during high school. “Let’s take it a step further: nationalize all alcohol sales in Random Chaos under the LLO brand. We can then control the product coming in, have enormous buying power, and rake in a vat load of taxes to help our ailing coffers. It’s a tipple, er, triple win! Cheers!”
  4. As your office clears, an email from the Ambassador of Dàguó pops into your inbox: “We have read of the raid carried out by your crooked officials, unjustly targeting our excellent products. Perhaps if you lowered your ludicrous trade restrictions to allow more of our fine liquors into your nation, this supposed problem would go away. If you don’t, it just shows you are afraid because Dàguó wine is best wine, and our prices cannot be beat.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Avoided and the Top 10% for Greatest Rich-Poor Divides and Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the ban on cars has been repealed.

2020-08-29 03:00

Random Chaos - Without Cars, Going Nowhere Fast

Ever since the government banned automobiles, furious soccer moms and commuters have been petitioning the government to revoke the ban, citing any number of troubles people have had without their cars.

  1. “The government was being utterly stupid in banning cars, especially at the whim of a bunch of nutjob, tree-hugging bicyclists!” cries Björk Delauter, CEO of Coo’ Stuff, Inc. “My workers are constantly late, they don’t work as much because they have to leave early to walk or bike home... leaving this ban in place will only murder the economy!”
  2. “Well, it’s extremely difficult to drive my son to and from school and his after-school sports,” comments soccer mom Molly Larkin. “But I don’t want my boy inhaling all those icky fumes. I say bring back cars, but put some effort into finding cleaner fuels and the like! Who cares if it costs a small fortune?”
  3. “What do they know?” whispers a strange woman clad all in green. “You ought to clamp down on these protesters. Without cars, the people are much easier for you to control, are they not?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, things are looking up for patients accidentally prescribed erectile dysfunction medication.

2020-08-28 21:00

Cramping Our Style

When 25-year-old unemployed chicken sexer Kim Chan was given a prescription for the birth-control pill to treat a gynaecological condition, she was surprised when the only pharmacist in the remote village of Hunt-Over-Vale refused to issue her prescription, instead lecturing her on wantonness, waywardness and waiting for marriage.

  1. “He had no right!” cries Miss Chan, tearing leaflets on PMS into little strips. “Pharmacists don’t know why my doctor prescribed this medication. I have been crippled by my cycle for years, and if that man had to suffer like me, he wouldn’t have wanted a lecture — he’d have wanted a bloody medal! Plath knew he was taking on a role that would require dispensing the Pill. He doesn’t want to? Too bad! All pharmacists should dispense all prescriptions exactly as written, or face disciplinary actions. And can I get some chocolate in here?”
  2. “I cannot — in good conscience — provide the means for consequence-free intercourse,” drawls Rajesh Plath, shoving his Master’s in pharmacy under your nose. “However, I did suggest non-medical alternatives for her professed condition and provided the address of a willing pharmacist, not thirty miles away, when the lady was... unenthusiastic. I’m a trained professional, not a walking dispenser. Pharmacists should be free to refuse to dispense and make recommendations, as long as they also direct women to a morally unencumbered alternative provider. Don’t force me to choose my conscience over my career!”
  3. “Plath does well, but goes not far enough for ‘tis heresy to smite the womb with poisons,” booms Increase Moore, member of an obscure black-clad order, as he hands you a leaflet entitled For Womb the Bell Tolls: Bigger, Better and More Blessed Breeding. “As saith the One Above: the female body is not to be permitted to take any substances that may poison it or inhibit its maternal purpose. Further, let all sinful hormonal machinations and contraceptive devices designed to prevent the begetting of infants be banned. Ladies can find relief from their ailments through prayer, fasting and bringing a child into the world within the bonds of consecrated wedlock!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, stone wrist watches that weigh 20lb are the latest trend.

2020-08-28 15:00

You Got Stones

A government-sponsored contest to find the best Random Chaosian sculptor was wildly successful, with a multitude of statues brought to the Ministry of Culture’s marquee at the Random Chaos City Convention Center. Thanks to some small print in the competition’s terms and conditions, the entries are now the property of the Ministry of Culture. Now there are tens of thousands of sculptures to dispose of, many of which are frankly terrible.

  1. “You must display all these works in a permanent gallery!” exclaims Alfred Janssen, a dubiously-talented artist who placed 3587th in the contest. “It doesn’t matter if people want to see these sculptures or not, as all art is part of the culture and history of our nation. Like that marble bust of you in the corner of your office, Leader - it’s pretty ugly, but we still keep it around.”
  2. “We should distribute the sculptures en masse to our allies!” suggests Ella Price, your Minister of Foreign Affairs, who you recall ‘regifted’ your birthday present to her back to you last year. “They’ll feel obliged to accept in order to maintain diplomatic politeness. And hey, what’s so bad about spreading Random Chaosian culture around the world?”
  3. “We should just demolish ‘em,” urges construction site foreman Johann Wilson, grabbing a delicate-looking ceramic anaglyptic and breaking it over his knee for emphasis. “All we need is your permission, and an empty lot, and half-a-dozen bulldozers and steamrollers.”
  4. “Or we could repurpose these items,” suggests your DIY-loving Uncle Gary, wearing a pair of dungarees he improvised from rubber bands and reclaimed umbrella fabric. “We can knock together all sorts of useful items if we put our minds to it: big paperweights, weights for the gym, weights to keep doors open, mobile phone cases... that weigh a lot. The choices are endless! Well, not exactly endless, but you know what I mean!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, taxpayer-funded government ads are promoting Brancaland as a premier filming location.

2020-08-28 09:00

Foreign Tax Credits Leave Film Industry Reeling

More and more Random Chaosian film studios are turning to Brancaland due to the generous tax credits of the picturesque coastal city Maxhoover. Industry representatives and local patriots alike have prompted calls for action.

  1. “CUT!” shouts controversial film director Paris Keating, known for her unapologetic patriotism and xenophobia, who is coincidentally filming a scene in your office. “Leader, if I may be frank, why don’t we punish these unpatriotic hacks? They show a complete lack of respect for our culture and take jobs away from hardworking citizens. Can’t you put these people on some sort of watchlist and create some sort of committee to assess their loyalty to Random Chaos?”
  2. “What is it about these debates that always attracts crazy extremists?” sighs Woody Reyes, the mayor of a lakefront city in Random Chaos. “As much as I’d love for my city to be the face of the film industry, how can we blame these studios for going over to Brancaland? They offer generous tax credits, their people are friendly, and their environment is ranked as one of the best in the world. What we should be doing is offering tax credits of our own to encourage film crews to shoot movies and shows right here at home. Oh, and would it kill you to help us clean up the city? The streets and parks are littered with trash!”
  3. “There’s no need to get your unmentionables in a twist aboot this,” suggests eccentric Brancalandian talent agent Mike Shatner with long pauses between his words. “I’ll have you know that actors are one of Brancaland’s primary exports. In return we offer tax credits and the best studios that money can buy. Unless you want to risk damaging your country’s relationship with Brancaland and deny your people some quality acting, like the award-winning Spit Leader Says, I suggest you make it easier for studios to choose Brancaland over Random Chaos. By the way, was that a great impression of you, or what?”
  4. “I would like to suggest that we advertise Random Chaos to a classier audience,” remarks snooty independent film director Chip Xiaoping while sipping on a glass of Brancalandian Red. “You don’t want the riffraff making Random Chaos look like a bunch of uncultured hicks with explosions and gore-fests, do you? With generous investments in the industry, we can attract the right audiences and weed out the boorish undesirables. You could even host yearly film festivals in Random Chaos City to encourage more people to film in our exquisite city!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Politically Apathetic Citizens and the Top 10% for Most Advanced Defense Forces.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prisoners have been known to host cooking and home décor television shows.

2020-08-28 03:00

Food Behind Bars

After renowned food critic and criminal mastermind Hannibal Terwilliger published a book entitled Food Behind Bars: A Gourmet’s Journey through Random Chaos’s Prisons, a debate has sprung up over the quality of food served to prisoners.

  1. “This is ridiculous!” fumes single mother of three Khethiwe Perez, whose ex-partner is currently behind bars. “Here’s me struggling just to give my kids the basics, and he’s sitting in a nice warm cell with nothing to do all day but eat like a king! I say we stop this extravagance and redirect the funding into something more appropriate, like welfare for single parents. Prisoners should only be fed what they need to survive.”
  2. “Oh come now, there’s no need to treat us like animals for the sake of a few misdemeanours,” says Mr. Terwilliger via a satellite link from an undisclosed minimum security prison. “We prisoners have rights too, you know. Oh what a cruel world we would live in, if a man can’t chow down on cordon bleu just because he’s behind bars. Now warden, can I have some fava beans and a nice chianti delivered to my cell? I’m starving.”
  3. “Of course you have to feed prisoners, but what kind of food?” muses oblivious naturalist Elaine Watson while watering your plastic office plants. “It’s all these preservatives and cheap imported foods that have made these people violent in the first place! Why not establish prison farms and have inmates eat what they grow? Sure, it would tie up lots of fertile land, and there’s always the risk of an escape, but the benefits to society are worth it.”
  4. “Well, look here, you’ve got all these mouths to feed, and you don’t want the expense?” queries Jamil Dax, CEO of Random Chaosian Fried Gambler, one of Random Chaos’s most popular fast food chains. “Looks like this here’s something the private sector can help you with, and by private sector I mean my company! Just grant us the exclusive right to provide catering in all of Random Chaos’s prisons, and we’ll keep all those prisoners stuffed for a fraction of the cost! The government saves, the prisoners eat, and I cut out the compet-, er, provide a vital service to the community. It’s a win-win!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, funding for education has been redirected into the military.

2020-08-27 21:30

Hukd on Fonix Workd 4 Me!

Random Chaos has a developing problem with poor literacy rates among 12-18 year olds, which many parents and teachers blame on the current state of the education system and lack of government funding.

  1. Boot Camp instructor Reginald Berenstain stated: “Who gives a damn? Makes ‘em easier to turn into brainwashed grunts anyhow! You don’t need to be able to read in order to fire a gun! What we need to do is focus on our military spending - what does it matter if you can read or not when you’re overrun by warmongering barbarians?”
  2. On the other side, there’s Random Chaos’s Education Administrator. “This is shocking news. If the children of tomorrow cannot read, then what? Next thing you know, we will be speaking with contractions! The government must devote more efforts to education! Where will we be twenty years from now with an overflow of unskilled labor?”
  3. Yasmin Guilliman, principal of a highly-rated private school, prefers a different approach. “Instead of that, why not issue government vouchers so that parents can afford to send their children to privately run schools? We offer a far better education than the public schools. All we do is grind our particular religious views into our students!”
  4. “Who needs some fancy-schmancy cash-draining school system, anyway?” Cortana Navarrete declares from the front steps of a double-wide mobile home, shotgun in hand. “My Pa raised me and my eight brothers and three sisters without no waste of time schoolin’! My Pa taught me everythin’ I need t’know, let all these whippersnappers’ Mas and Pas teach ‘em what they need t’know!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, newspapers print only headlines.

2020-08-27 15:00

Balancing the Books

After selling just 187 copies, How to Repair Your Cat for Dummies was shockingly still the national #1 best-seller this year. In response, a small group of effete, sweater-vest-clad bookworms have used copies of War and Peas to barricade themselves in your office.

  1. “That’s truly shameful,” sighs local librarian Amber Hayes, pulling a copy of The Visible Hand from within the deep pockets of her overcoat. “The solution is subsidizing books. The reduced prices will encourage Random Chaosians to buy a good ol’ book again. Infinite knowledge is waiting just behind those pages, Leader. Folks just need a little nudge.”
  2. “It’s not their choice anymore,” declares your Minister of Education, while reluctantly putting down a copy of The Complete Works of Shakespeare. “People don’t realize what they are losing by not reading. If Random Chaosians stopped watching ‘The Brash and the Backstabbing’ and actually read something, we’d have a more interesting, enlightened, and productive populace. For everyone’s sake, make it mandatory to read a book every month.”
  3. “What about us?” asks the best-selling author Bax Marry, already signing a copy of his feline mending manual without you asking. “We are the ones that need help. It took five years of hard work and painful scratches to figure out how to properly cauterize a cat’s cataract. You know what we need? A little incentive to keep us inspired to make great masterpieces. Establish a government-sponsored workshop to help up-and-coming writers. I could teach them a few lessons I learned while writing my smash hit.”
  4. “Uggh, if you can’t write in three sentences or less you’re being overly wordy,” mutters one of your secretaries, while briefly scanning a summary of the erudite malcontents’ requests. “If people don’t want to read a lot, why force them?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, death row is annually emptied to feed the nation's hunger for televised murder-games.

2020-08-27 09:30

The Violet Mile

With an increasing number of inmates on death row, more commonly referred to as The Violet Mile, concerned experts from all walks of life have asked you about which method of capital punishment is the best to use on Random Chaos’s felons.

  1. “Lethal injection is by far the most cost-efficient and clean method of execution,” suggests Venus Nagasawa, a wild-eyed and grey-haired military scientist who looks as if she hasn’t slept in twenty years. “Also, if we’re disposing of these worthless criminals, we may as well test out some of the more ‘experimental’ lethal chemicals that our R&D department is working on. They’ll require some tweaking to get right, but these scumbags are dead men walking anyway, right?”
  2. “What’s wrong with a good, old-fashioned hanging?” proposes Beavis Thawne, a historical reenactor dressed in a period-accurate Random Chaosian War infantry uniform. “We can hang the criminals in the town square, right in front of the watchful eyes of the public. We could even encourage fruits and vegetables to be thrown at ‘em as they swing! Ah, it’ll be a fine public spectacle, and a grand deterrent too!”
  3. “You know, as much as we like to disavow less advanced cultures as ‘primitive’, I think they have some right ideas,” comments big game hunter Fumiko Chekov, who recently returned from a safari in more savage lands. “I visited a tribe who execute troublemakers and the occasional sacrificial virgin by throwing them into an active volcano. They say it pleases the gods, and keeps disaster at bay. Sounds like a sensible plan to me.”
  4. “How about a method that’s fun for viewers, and gives criminals a chance to earn a pardon?” asks sleazy reality show producer Ian Killdamon. “We could place the criminals on an island, each with a weapon, and tell them they have 24 hours to kill each other. The sole survivor would then win his or her freedom. We could broadcast this battle royale live, and the ratings would be through the roof!”
  5. “Maybe we should aim to be as humane as possible when we take life?” asks butcher Roger Jackman, wiping his work knives clean on his apron. “We got bolt guns we use in the slaughterhouses. BAM. One bolt, one kill. Fast, effective, only a little messy.” He looks down at a circle of splattered mess on the floor. “Is anyone else getting hungry talking about this?”
  6. “Kill the death penalty!” chants activist Rory Popov, bursting out of a hiding place in your stationery cupboard. “Cull government sanctioned murder! Destroy these needless acts of revenge violence! An eye for an eye makes the world go blind!” The intruder pokes your security guard in the peepers with a pencil, then flees the room.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Welfare Programs.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a positive pregnancy test doubles as a visa.

2020-08-27 03:00

Some Enchanted Evening That Was

Amid the seemingly perpetual war raging in South Palisade, it appeared that your military personnel were making the most of the situation, and forming close — often physical — relationships with local women. Some even maintained a family off-base. With peace talks in the making, many people are debating the fate of these war brides and children.

  1. “We must get them back to Random Chaos,” insists Private Kim Hammerstein, standing beside his long-time South Palisadian girlfriend as she cradles their infant son. “Have you seen what’s happened here? The entire country’s been destroyed, and who knows how long this peace agreement will last with those North Palisadians? I don’t want my family left behind when the bombs start falling again. It behoves our nation to create an exemption to the immigration ban, to allow our beloved partners and children into Random Chaos. Do we not have a duty to care for the families of the people who sacrifice everything for its safety?”
  2. “Do we not have a duty?” singsongs Major Brian Billis, who is rumoured to have fathered twenty-six illegitimate children in twenty-five countries. “I would say that clearly, we do not have a duty. There’s nothing like a dame, but if these harlots from other lands are stupid enough to believe that it’s love — let alone that love lasts longer than two minutes — that tells me all I need to know about their morals... It also tells me that we cannot allow such people into our country. Of course, our soldiers are upstanding persons of valour and, therefore, should give a financial remittance for any children begotten before they depart.”
  3. “Both these persons are disgusting,” sighs Mary Chau, Director of the Random Chaosian Relationship Relational Service. “A relationship is built on long-term commitment and togetherness. Not picking a girl up because you’re sorry for her, and not what that pig was doing either! The compassionate thing is to allow people to bring their war spouses home, but only if they have had a marriage ceremony that is legally binding in Random Chaos and have the certificate to prove it. Then you’ll know which people really want to build a life together from those who’ll just wash ‘em right outta their hair.”
  4. “These people have consorted with the enemy?” gasps Minister of Defence Prudence Ives, her left eyebrow springing upwards. “They’ve got to be carefully taught that any South Palisadian could be an enemy agent working for North Palisade; therefore, anyone found engaging in such illicit fraternisation shall be subject to court-martial and — when found guilty — execution for treachery.” Private Hammerstein and Major Billis fall menacingly under her gaze.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, thousands of picky mothers-in-law have been recruited to serve as even pickier cookery instructors.

2020-08-26 21:00

A Woman’s Roll

A survey by the socially conservative special interest group Society for the Prevention of Ominous, Unusual and Substandard Edibles found that 14.3% of Random Chaosian husbands hate their wife’s cooking, with a further 28.6% secretly describing their wife as “just not a very good cook, really”. Lead researchers Peterson and Wason warn that bad food could cause marital discord, malnutrition and jaw strain due to excessive mastication.

  1. A researcher wheels in a television and turns it on, to reveal an anonymised male. “My mummy was the best cook,” sighs the voice, obscured by a synthesiser and sounding vaguely like a duck. “Filet of beef in peppercorn sauce and shepherd’s pie with braised lamb. My wife does make shepherd’s pie three times a week, but she uses beef, and sometimes tomatoes. Honest to Violet. I told her that my mummy said that’s more of a cottage pie, but she just... she keeps doing it. Leader, send our wives to compulsory subsidised cookery classes, so they’ll learn to cook, just like our mummies used to. The men of Random Chaos work hard all day. We deserve a decent meal.”
  2. “Why can’t he make his own goddamn meals?” demands Victoria Romero, of Stressed Wives Not-so-Anonymous, shoving the TV-trolley out of the door and sending it careening along a corridor and down a flight of stairs. “He sounds just like my Lars. Always whining. Look, Random Chaosian women are too busy to be farting around with all that gourmet manure. When I come home from work, I have kids to care for, the house to clean, and then I make a meal for five people. If His Highness helped me out, I’d get some me-time, and he might finally get a meal he’s happy with. Run a national campaign to tell husbands that they have an obligation to get off their butts and help their wives.”
  3. “This sad attitude indicates a much deeper problem,” sighs chauvinist psychiatrist Calvin Ford, whose wife stands next to him, smiling unblinkingly and holding his half-eaten sandwich. “Women have lost the joy of service. Modern society tells women to distrust their head of household, which causes insecurity. Insecure women argue, which causes stress. Stressed women perform their functions haphazardly, if at all. Women would be happier, families would be more stable, if disobedient wives were returned to their naturally submissive state, through drugs, electroshock and frontal lobotomies as necessary. Remember, if a woman doesn’t live to serve her master, something is wrong psychologically.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military is slashing spending on conventional arms and diverting it to spending on prosthetic arms.

2020-08-26 15:30

Wounded Veterans Demand a Helping Hand

RCBS Nightly News has run an interview with a former Random Chaosian Army officer who has resorted to using a hook as a replacement for the hand he lost in combat after the Department of Veterans’ Affairs failed to cover the cost of prosthetic surgery, prompting a deluge of complaints about the way Random Chaos takes care of its wounded veterans.

  1. “You can’t ask young Random Chaosians to go overseas to serve their country and then abandon them when they come home injured,” insists recently returned double-amputee Rosalina Berenstein. “Wounded veterans like myself who have given their limbs for this nation deserve to live in handicap-accessible housing, and to have the cost of our surgeries and therapy fully covered, even if it does cost an arm and a leg. What’s the point of spending so much on expensive new tanks and planes if you’re not going to take care of those of us who have given so much already?”
  2. “We couldn’t agree more that these brave veterans deserve a better standard of living,” hastily interjects Agnieszka Guterres, CEO of military equipment supplier Global Strategic Solutions, Inc. “But there’s no sense cutting procurement orders to pay for it. We would consider it our patriotic duty to foot the bill for free prosthetics for anyone injured in the line of duty ourselves. And all we’d ask in return is an agreement to plaster — er, decorate — the prostheses with advertisements for our civilian sales branch.”
  3. “That takes care of the symptoms, but not the cause,” announces Professor Declan Navratilova, Director of the RCAF’s highly secretive Special Projects Division. “As long as we insist on using flesh and blood troops on the battlefield, these kind of injuries are going to continue to cause so much inefficiency — oh, and human suffering too, I guess. I say it’s time we unleashed Operation Codename: Giant Killer Robots!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, most foreigners can't name the leader of Random Chaos.

2020-08-26 09:00

A Sticky End for Leader?

After the recent Syrupgate Scandal (where your niece was seen eating pancakes with a non-maple-based sweetener) relations between Brancaland and Random Chaos have reached an all-time low. Hoping to patch things over, a formal head of state visit has been arranged. On the itinerary is an open-top ride through their national park in a traditional moose-drawn carriage. However, security staff have expressed some concerns about this.

  1. “Have you heard of the Sons of the Maple?” asks your security chief, nervously checking behind your desk for hidden assassins. “They’re hard-line Brancalanders who haven’t forgiven Syrupgate and they’ve promised to throw a bucket of syrup over your head. Look, someone as important as you is always going to have enemies, and security is paramount. You should travel only in our own armoured vehicles, and have your safety provided only by our own security services. It’s a dangerous world — you have to be pragmatic.”
  2. “According to the World Census, Brancaland is in the top 5% safest nations in the world,” reassures your Minister for Diplomacy, who is known to be quite ambitious. “You’re as safe within their borders as you are within your own front room. We should show some trust in Brancalandian security arrangements. After that, I think we could boost your international standing if you visited the front lines of war-torn Maxtopia and try to bring some healing to that broken nation.”
  3. “When are you going to learn there’s no place that’s as safe as home?” queries your Minister of Domestic Affairs. “Besides, we’ve got problems enough here for you to deal with. You should cancel all state visits for the foreseeable future, and pledge to remain in Random Chaos, putting your safety as well as the needs of Random Chaosians first.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sprinters achieve their personal bests only when the Olympic Team recruiters come calling.

2020-08-26 03:00

Gold Standards

Random Chaos has just hosted the Olympics – and what a success they were! After the best ever medal haul at an Olympics, some are wondering if it would be advisable to always offer a new house and a significant amount of money to every Random Chaosian athlete that wins gold.

  1. “Clearly this offer gave our athletes the incentive they needed to perform that little bit better,” suggests Boutros Bishop, your Sports Minister, placing the final medal table in front of you. “Four years ago we only won a handful of golds; this time we won ten times as many! Okay, there was the well-known benefit of home advantage, but without doubt this was a successful scheme with a successful outcome. It absolutely must be continued at all future Olympics.”
  2. “No, that will not do at all; it will drain the sports and development budget – leaving little money for other projects,” muses Hayley Hackett, your Treasury Minister, who has just counted up all her spare cash only to find she is one chip short for a Moonbucks. “It sickens me that our athletes only perform at their best when there’s something extra in it for them. Do away with this ludicrous scheme, save ourselves some money and install some national pride into our sportsmen and women!”
  3. “Not enough national pride, you say?” queries General Nguyen, as he salutes the flag in your office. “If these athletes only try hard when there’s a free house and piles of cash involved, then we need to give them a different kind of incentive! A lifetime of hard labour for all those that fail to bring home a medal should be ‘encouragement’ enough!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children's books regularly feature formerly distressed damsels suing their princes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, anti-government political posters adorn every building like wallpaper.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Moralistic Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hazmat suits are a common Random Chaosian garb.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the importance of winning Olympic gold medals is indoctrinated from an early age.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 'To Regulate And Beyond' is the unofficial motto of the Random Chaosian Space Agency.

2020-08-25 21:05

Clasp of Controversy

Dustin Wiseau, the young and charismatic Prime Minister of Brancaland, did not shake your hand at a recent meeting of world leaders. This caused considerable upset among many politicians at home. While the Brancalandian embassy insists that Wiseau simply didn’t see you, many Random Chaosian experts suggest that it was a political statement designed to undermine Random Chaos on the global stage.

  1. “How dare he?” fumes your irate Minister of Foreign Affairs, as she viciously tears apart photos of Mr. Wiseau. “I don’t give a damn about any of the hogwash Brancaland is releasing. There is no possible way he did not see you! It was a personal attack and he knows that offending you offends all of us. Demand an apology from Brancaland,” she pauses as a somewhat concerning grin spreads on her face, “or else!”
  2. “That Prime Minister is a charming young man,” coos your mostly-blind grandmother, while knitting you a too-small sweater. “Of course he couldn’t see you; the clothing you wear is far too easy to miss! Why not wear some more noticeable colors? You should, as leader, wear an outfit that matches the national flag! And over it, you could wear this beautiful sweater I just made you!” She beams at a security guard she mistakenly believes is you and hands the guard the sweater. “All yours, honey.”
  3. “Everyone needs to relax,” murmurs Alice Williams, your Minister of Diplomatic Solutions, as she agrees to a draw in a chess match with your intern. “He may well have made a political statement, but instead of blowing your stack at Brancaland, why not sit down with Mr. Wiseau? After all, he may have had a bad day, considering his expression! Help him understand we aren’t enemies of Brancaland, and history will thank you. Angry responses never solved anything.”
  4. “You aren’t addressing the real problem!” exclaims Desmond Dredd, your germophobe Health Minister, whose voice is muffled by a gas mask. “Handshakes are gross and unsanitary! You and Mr. Wiseau have thousands of germs on your hands, and all you’re doing is risking infectious diseases! Frankly, you should be thanking him for not passing his germs to you! You need to mandate proper hygienic practices - nothing ridiculous, just washing your hands very carefully every ten minutes - and make sure hand sanitizers and protective gloves are readily available.”
2020-08-25 21:05

Secret Police in Random Chaos?

Anarchists have been covertly putting up anti-government posters all over Random Chaos. Some of your closest advisors have suggested the implementation of a secret police force to deal with the more... difficult members of society.

  1. “Sometimes a government has got to deal with something without having to go through the ‘proper channels’,” says ‘Chloe’, who does not exist within any government records. “It happens sometimes and we have to deal with it. It’s not just anarchists either - it’s the terrorists, the criminals, the traitors, and the goddamn hippies. With a secret police we can arrest the troublemakers and torture them to find other dissenters without having to worry about fiddly matters like human rights.”
  2. “Don’t listen to that idiot!” whispers Harambe O'Bannon, one of your more guilt-ridden henchpersons. “I don’t know how you feel about this but I think this would be a bad path for our government to go down. Random Chaos shouldn’t resort to deceit and off-the-record brutality to put away people. A secret police force would ruin our fine nation. It’s time our government was candid with its people and let them say what they want!”
  3. “Or how about we be candid AND have a secret police force,” says Mary Urquhart, your head spy from behind a newspaper with eyeholes cut out. “We could just reassign all the normal police into secret police. The beauty of it is that we won’t have to bother solving crimes if it doesn’t benefit the government! It’s what we’ve always wanted! Not what the people want of course, but if they complain we can just make them... disappear.”
2020-08-25 21:05

Do Good Intentions Make Good Samaritans?

Yesterday, a man was struck with a heart-attack in the middle of a busy Random Chaos City square. As the average Random Chaosian simply passed by, a foreigner in traditional garb stepped up and administered an unconventional form of CPR, involving stamping repeatedly on the man’s chest, which did indeed save the man from certain death on the street. Unfortunately, the excessive force broke a rib and punctured a lung in the process, and the man later died from complications of this injury.

  1. “I did what was best to save this person’s life, and I did, momentarily,” shouts Sonequa Savage, while pouring oil and wine on your dying cactus. “I know I’m a shepherd, not a doctor, and the technique I used was only certified to be used on sheep, it is true, but that man would’ve died without me! It’s a moral imperative to help your fellow man, and if people mean well and act accordingly, they should not face punishment for any unintentional and unfortunate consequences.”
  2. “I saw the whole thing,” says Amelia Demosthenes, who was too busy painting her nails to actually help. “Now, I don’t doubt that this person tried to save the old man, not at all. At the same time, though, that stranger jumped on top of him and began stomping on his chest, and now he’s gone; I mean, think of the family and stuff. Some just retribution, or at least a little compensation, is in order, don’t you think? That foreigner ought to pay for the damage done. Good intentions can’t be enough, it’s what comes out the other end that counts.”
  3. “Hey, who’s the doctor, er, nurse here?” bellows Nurse Evan Gilbreth, whose head mirror is both upside down and facing the wrong way. “Emergency medical staff are the only ones who know what’s what when it comes to these situations. I’m so sick and tired of amateurs blazing in, failing at cowboy techniques they picked up from some WhoTube-channel and doing more damage than good. Laymen shouldn’t be allowed to meddle; what we need are organized health patrols with uniformed EMTs on the beat, just like cops. That way, when there’s an emergency, people who really know their stuff will be there to help.”
2020-08-25 21:05

One Small Step for Private Enterprise?

Private space companies have expressed a desire to launch a space probe to the moon and other planets in the solar system. To avoid any legal entanglements, they have asked for permission from the government to launch.

  1. “The sooner we get off this rock, the better,” grimly predicts daredevil CEO Dick Benson, who recently broke the record for the world’s highest skydive. “We all know it’s a matter of time before we destroy this planet, and exploring the vastness of space is our only salvation. Private enterprise must be allowed to develop space technologies. I’d go so far as to subsidize private space companies to help them on the way to the stars. ‘Per pecunia ad astra’, as I always say.”
  2. “Space shouldn’t be opened to corporations!” exclaims buxom RCSA engineer turned beachwear model Ellen Janeway. “These companies just want to grab our heavenly bodies and make money from them. The stars themselves will be exploited and stripped bare! Only the government - by which I mean you - can be trusted to handle things properly.”
  3. “Both sides have a point,” acknowledges your diplomatic Science Minister Bill deGrasse Hawking. “The free market must be allowed to operate, but with reasonable rules and regulations. The idea sounds daft, but an asteroid mining company should be subject to the same laws governing terrestrial mining companies. We should have some sort of prime directive that states what we can and can’t do up there. This needn’t cost us tax chips either: just have the enterprises involved sign an agreement to abide by the rules, then let them go boldly where no corporation has gone before.”
  4. “You’ve ruined this planet. Now you want to ruin outer space?” queries Gaia Peacedove, an eccentric environmentalist and host of the esoteric television show ‘Antiquated Aliens’, seen dressed in hemp fiber. “Cleanliness is next to godliness, after all. The Ancient Ones didn’t want us to come to them, they will come to us. Stop polluting space with your fancy-schmancy space probes and rockets! Ban all space exploration, and focus on protecting the environment. They will surely see this as a sign that we are ready for their arrival!”
2020-08-25 21:05

Random Chaos to Hold the Olympic Torch?

Enthusiastic sports fans have been petitioning the government all week to apply for the much-coveted honour of hosting the next Regional Olympics. While most citizens are excited at the prospect of a The Hatrackia-wide competition in their own country, some have expressed reservations about the enormous expense hosting would incur.

  1. “WAHAAAAY!” screams Avery Reyes, captain of Random Chaos City’s premier division ballroom dancing team. “Finally, a chance to show the world exactly how great I am! Everybody’s always complaining that Random Chaos never does well in sports and you know why? It’s because we’re never in front of the home crowd, that’s why! We’re going to need a great big stadium! No! TWO stadiums! WHOOP! OL-YM-PICS! OL-YM-PICS!”
  2. “Oh great,” mutters Engelbert Xiaoping, spokesperson for the Angry Taxpayer Society. “That’s all we need, more things to pour money into for no obvious reason. Surely it would be easier to just let another country host the Olympics and keep the cash? Then maybe it could go to something useful, like, I don’t know... my wallet?”
  3. “We’d be missing an amazing opportunity if we pass this up,” says Kristy English, your Minister of Sports. “But we’ve got to be in it to win! Simply building new stadia won’t be enough, we need to be funding new sports centres and hiring the best coaches for our entrants! You could put more money into public facilities too, like gyms or something. Also, a little something from the government to show our appreciation to the athletes that bring home gold wouldn’t go amiss. Then no one can accuse you of wasting everyone’s tax chips!”
  4. “There’s nothing like a feat of strength to please the dull-witted masses, is there?” sighs Rex Márquez, flipping through ‘One Hundred Gambits for Advanced Go Players’. “It’s so boring. Why can’t more intellectual pursuits be given the spotlight, like chess or debating matches? Ban organised sports and make our dreams come true! I think you’ll find it comes at a far lower price than the populist Olympics ever will.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Avoided and the Top 10% for Most Advanced Defense Forces.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people experiencing anaphylactic shock are told to buck their ideas up.

2020-08-22 04:07

A Matter of Loaf and Death

Following a sale on gluten-free goods at the N’Ever Fresh chain of supermarkets, the shelves were stripped of all but a packet of gluten-free gravy granules and a slightly-stale baguette. The hungry coeliacs of Random Chaos claim these items were not bought by fellow gluten-intolerants, but by fad dieters.

  1. “These selfish shoppers are taking the bread from the mouth of my starving child. Literally!” rants Woody Wiseau, the parent of Chip, a recently-diagnosed boy with coeliac disease. “I mean, it just takes the cake! Not only does he have to suffer this lifelong condition – munching on cardboard-like gluten-free bread while all his friends chow down on pasta salads and soft loaves – but some airhead who thinks gluten-free is a lifestyle choice comes and strips the shelves. Not to mention that gluten-free stuff costs twice as much! You should limit these gluten-free products to diagnosed coeliacs, and have the NHS pick up the cost, so parents can always put a whole meal on the table.”
  2. “If this man had a grain of sense, he’d realise that these half-baked ideas would cripple the national budget,” asserts your Minister of Finance, hiding his gluten-free sliced white bread in a drawer. “If they can’t find or afford gluten-free breads and pastas, there are plenty of naturally gluten-free foods such as rice and potatoes that they can buy instead. Simply issue a few leaflets that doctors can hand out to their patients about cheap foods that are naturally gluten-free.”
  3. “I think that’s a really crummy idea!” complains Iris Lincoln, author of the food sceptic’s handbook Inconsiderate ‘Intolerances’ and Awkward ‘Allergies’: Why Won’t the Whiners Simply Swallow Their Fare?. “We shouldn’t pander to these people. These so-called special diets have gone past a joke, what with restaurants offering ‘gluten-free’ and ‘dairy-free’ and ‘nut-free’ choices. And why? For some mewling, puking babies that use made-up diseases to get special attention, and for the Big Pharma companies that pay researchers to back up their claims and boost their own profits. I say we go against the grain and reject that these clearly-fabricated diseases even exist. Then, we’ll reap the benefits of plain old-fashioned common sense.”
  4. “Look, that idiot is clearly is a slice short of a loaf,” observes actress Gwendolyn Scully, whose allergen-free cookbook - The Skinny Minnie Diet Plan - is due out next week. “It’s well-known that a gluten-free diet is an essential baseline for every person who wants to maintain maximum health, lose weight and be basically awesome. A gluten-free diet needn’t be boring. You can do so much: mung bean chilli, mung bean casserole, daal with mung beans in it. You should incentivise retailers so they switch to manufacturing only good gluten-free food, so that all of Random Chaos can benefit.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreigners are treated with great suspicion.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military has declared war on all religious influence.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many believe that Leader's head is big enough for the sun to orbit around it.

2020-08-22 04:06

Size Matters

Historically, the broad international consensus has always been to use the Maxcator Projection to depict the world on flat maps. The downside is that this projection makes Random Chaos look disproportionately small, as well as tucking it away on the edge of the map. After a recent TV drama made this a hot topic, disgruntled patriots are pressing you for a government stance on this.

  1. “An international standard is good for international trade and communication,” explains Darya Swallows, director of a bulk exporter specialising in beige sofas and magnolia paint. “We should therefore be encouraging standardisation. I urge you to endorse the Maxcator Projection as the official choice, bringing us in line with the reasonable majority of nations. This will show the world that we’re a nice, inoffensive, conformist nation - the sort of nation that they can do business with.”
  2. “Random Chaos is at the centre of the world culturally and economically,” observes Random Chaosian Geographic Society president Ingmar Carr, tearing up a little as he salutes the flag. “Thus we should be at the centre of the map. Ban the Maxcator Projection in our schools and businesses, and have them use THIS map instead. I call it the Leader View. A proud map, for a proud nation!”
  3. “It’s totally true that changing maps changes perceptions, but you can’t get caught up in toxic patriotism,” argues walking cliché hippy environmentalist Moana Howard, as she braids beads into her hair and leans a guitar covered with painted flower patterns against your desk. “If you want people to see the world without political distortions or man-made borders, then you need globes. Send globes to every classroom in every school, and teach children that they are citizens of the planet. Dude, this isn’t a game of nation states; it’s a world commune of pan-humanity.”
  4. “The world? The world that matters ends at our national borders!” proclaims a cigar-smoking man in the shadows. “You should be encouraging people to stay at home and to work for our nation, not to worry about foreign lands. You must only allow the publication of maps up to our national borders. In fact, stop our citizens leaving the country at all: if they never see the outside world, they won’t worry why others have things that they don’t.”
2020-08-22 04:06

Preach With Me if You Want to Live

The military has seen a sharp rise in complaints against chaplains who often pressure soldiers, particularly atheists and those adhering to foreign religions, into converting prior to battle. Military officials and soldiers have come for your guidance as the chaplain issue has brought troop morale to an all time low.

  1. “Of course we need chaplains, for the soldiers’ peace of mind!” pleads long-serving chaplain, fourth Lieutenant Nelson Wayne while taking a break from trying to convert your staff. “If we give them the comfort and blessings of the Creator, their quality of life, happiness, and motivation will greatly improve. Granted, they may lose focus from all the people trying to convert them, but at least their souls will join the Creator!”
  2. “Oh please. The last thing I need before I die is some loudmouth preacher trying to convert me!” complains pessimistic Private and proud atheist Jabulani de Groot as he uses your handkerchief to polish his weapon. “All us soldiers would be better off, and more willing to stay alive, without these crazy chaplains telling us how ‘our deaths are meaningless’ or that we’re ‘eternally damned’ if we don’t convert. For the sake of soldiers’ peace and quiet, military chaplains must be banned! Religion has no place in the military.”
  3. “Well, the problem isn’t the presence of religion, it’s that my troops are hearing it in the wrong place,” suggests the devout seventh battalion commander, Captain Brenda Lane. “We must make the military accommodating to all beliefs in the interest of tolerance and fairness. Sure, you might end up with some oddballs, like that captain in ninth battalion who worships the flying purple meatball monster or people who don’t believe anything at all, but hey, at least our troops can find their own path to spiritual enlightenment.”
2020-08-22 04:06

Random Chaos’s Schoolchildren Not Learning the Lingua Franca

After a recent national survey revealed that almost three-quarters of the population only know the primary language of Random Chaos, there have been rising calls for the government to take action.

  1. “Fluency in foreign languages is imperative to education,” says Professor Ruby Tarkin of Random Chaos City University. “Learning a new tongue not only gives a child a practical, marketable skill, but also encourages compassion and understanding of foreign cultures. With so many nations in the world, I do insist that we increase government funding in these areas and make it a compulsory part of the curriculum. As we say in Ancient Maxtopian: froggug sederty bungo-bungo!”
  2. “To be frank, the need for outsiders’ speak doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest!” claims Alina Chandra, a fierce patriot. “Making our children learn these languages is an affront to the basic civil rights of Random Chaos! What’s more, this will encourage those damn foreigners to come here and take our jobs! I for one, will not stand for it! We can drop that area of education; it’ll give us tax payers a bit of a breather for once. I’ve always said that we don’t need any others but our own!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian farm salmon are known for being both horribly diseased and remarkably acrobatic.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians tack on a service charge for assisting with casework.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a paperwork error has naval privateers being directed to attack land-locked nations.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, drug-related crimes carry the death penalty.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parents must choose their children's names from a government-mandated master list.

2020-08-20 22:38

Tipping Point

While glancing down at your doughnut receipt and trying to calculate percentages in your head, you are reminded that many service-industry employees rely on tips to supplement their income. Recently, analysts have suggested that it is the tips themselves that create the low baseline wages.

  1. “Look, us restaurateurs don’t like gratuity-based economics either,” complains Billy Chan, proprietor of trendy inner-city eatery The Random Chaos City Pyramid. “In fact, we trialed going tip-free and incorporating the costs of a decent salary into the bill. Do you know what happened? We lost customers! A higher visible menu price, and the loss of the diners’ feeling of power, meant patrons went elsewhere! The only way to fix this is government legislation, banning tipping and regulating the industry. A national approach will level the playing field, which will be good for workers, and good for our profits.”
  2. “Hi, my name’s Gillian and I’m just tickled pink to be your coffee server today!” chirps a frankly stunning barista with a huge smile on her face as she hands you a perfect cappuccino with a marshmallow on top. “Leader, I don’t get paid a lot, but I’m more than happy to do what I can to earn your tips! It’s a great motivation to keep me working hard to make you, my customer, super-duper happy! And if good-looking ethnic-majority twenty-something tight-trousered folk like me end up earning a bit more than most, well that’s the wonderful thing about the free market! Roll the dice!!”
  3. “There’s definitely something in what she’s saying,” suggests your brother, tossing a few small denomination coins onto the counter, to the barista’s disappointment. “Maybe we could all learn from that. I reckon it’d be good if politicians had a tiny baseline wage too, but were allowed to earn tips by pleasing the people. Or at least, by pleasing the people that are willing to show their appreciation with cold, hard cash.”
2020-08-20 22:38

Tourists on Death Row

A group of holidaymakers from Random Chaos have been arrested while visiting the scenic, yet corrupt and totalitarian, nation of Maxtopia on charges of drug trafficking - an offence which carries the maximum sentence of the death penalty. The story has provoked outrage from citizens, many believing the government should intervene to bring the tourists back home.

  1. “Everyone knows what barbarians those Maxtopians are!” says Salvatore Shiomi, parent to one of the arrestees. “They’ve not even allowed my son and his friends access to lawyers! That government is as corrupt as they are cruel, my boy would never have anything to do with drugs! You need to do something to save them, I’m begging you! I’m sure the Maxtopian officials will back down if you threaten trade sanctions or something. Right?”
  2. “You’ve got to see it from the other side,” argues Aldo Bell, a customs official. “While it’s unfortunate that the sentence is so stiff, they really shouldn’t have been smuggling drugs. I’m sure we wouldn’t be happy if Maxtopians came over here with banned goods. I just can’t sympathise: they were greedy, they broke the law, they got caught. What makes them so special that they should be bailed out? At the taxpayers’ expense I might add. Let them be - it’ll show we respect the judicial rights of other countries.”
  3. “I agree,” chimes in Efthamia Grimes, an anti-drug campaigner, waving a banner which reads ‘Don’t Be a Fool, Drugs Aren’t Cool’. “Did you ever stop to think that our foreign neighbours might have the right idea? A zero-tolerance attitude to the drugs issue is what this country needs! Death to the dealers!”
  4. “You people are so quick to lay the finger of blame,” says Jamil Murphy, an ambassador at the Random Chaosian Embassy in Maxtopia. “My motto has always been ‘If you want something, give something away’. It is the government’s duty to protect its citizens from harm! We don’t want to cause too much international friction by making a mockery of their laws so we’ve got to settle things more diplomatically: they scratch our backs now and we’ll scratch theirs later.”
  5. “That’s what they want! Leverage!” hollers Natalia Taylor, your Minister of Defence, storming into your office. “Advances in our markets, political favours - they’ll do anything to undermine us! They’ve always hated us, those rats! If you ask me, this brouhaha isn’t about drugs - it’s a spit in our eye, that’s what it is! What kind of people execute kids for having a few ounces on them? We ought to give them a good bombing, then they’ll know how a proper country behaves!”
2020-08-20 22:38

A Plank Too Far

A diplomatic crisis erupted recently after particularly bloodthirsty Random Chaosian pirates made the entire crew of a captured Macronesian oil tanker walk the plank. Following the incident, Macronesian authorities have declared that they will sink any Random Chaosian vessel that enters their waters until the pirate attacks stop.

  1. “These allegations be scurvy hogwash!” claims Heston Caesar, the pirate quartermaster, wearing a purely decorative eyepatch. “We ran a shot across the bow, but them scallywags aboard the galleon decided to run a rig and fight back, forcing us to give them no quarter. Word has it that the Macronesian navy has assembled themselves a massive armada, and they be wishing to blow our binnacles to the poop deck. Our cannon and cutlasses are no match for their cruise missiles, so we would be thankful if ye could give us more advanced weaponry to stand a chance against these landlubbers. Arrrrr...”
  2. “We’d like to see those rapscallions try,” challenges Melissa Hesse, the Defence Minister of Macronesia, while hoisting the national flag upside-down to signify a state of war. “These cowardly sea barbarians have attacked our defenceless merchant vessels for long enough. Their home ports are in Random Chaos, so you have a moral responsibility to contribute to military efforts to eliminate them, and should pay Macronesia reparations for the harm done to us by Random Chaosian nationals. Never forget that Macronesia rules the waves, and that those who oppose us will meet watery graves!”
  3. “We might have to compromise a little to stay in business,” concedes Themba Pasteur, the self-proclaimed ‘Admiral of the Black’, whose operations haven’t been in the black for years. “We should avoid plundering ships from nations with large navies like Macronesia; we don’t want to be bilged on our own anchor after all. However, many other nations - such as Moltovea - lack a proper navy and are easy pickings. You should enforce a rule that prohibits the pillaging of vessels from countries with naval superiority. Just list the nations that have less seapower than us, and we’ll make sure you get your share of the spoils.”
2020-08-20 22:38

What’s in a Name?

A man by the name of &%*\@# Smith hit the headlines yesterday when he had his first name legally changed to ‘John’, citing the ridicule and stress he suffered because of his given name. Mr Smith publicly commented afterwards that there should be more restrictions on what parents can name their children.

  1. “People do so love to be different,” says Insert Name Here, with a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what my folks were thinking when they named me. Probably about how ‘novel’ and ‘with it’ they were being, but I didn’t get a say in it did I? Growing up in my neighbourhood with the first name ‘Insert’ wasn’t fun at all I can tell you! The government should set up a registry of recognised names that are clean, sensible, and non-teasable. Kids deserve better.”
  2. “It’s none of the government’s business what I name my daughter,” says Follicle Rainbow Gooseknob, cradling [expletive deleted] in her arms. “Are you going to tell us what to think next? Where to go? Who to love? I don’t want some grey-faced bureaucrat deciding what name is appropriate for my child! What kind of country hates personal freedom so much you can’t even choose your own name?”
  3. “Names? Names are so inefficient!” says Five-Oh-Three McGoohan, counting beads. “Who can honestly tell one Billy-Bob Love from another? That name’s so popular now, I met three people at the mall with it just last week! Face it! Names are old-hat! Everyone ought to go by a government-allocated ID number instead, much more practical. Who could make fun of a child named Six-Eight-Four?”
2020-08-20 22:38

Bait and Switch

Children wept today, as only a handful of fish showed up for the ‘Dance of Salmon,’ an eagerly awaited tradition celebrating wild salmon migration from the ocean to the riverbeds of Random Chaos. Experts and deep-sea anglers have pointed fingers at the abundance of open-net fish farms dotting the coast, which allow sea lice-infected farmed salmon to contaminate migrating wild salmon, threatening the very survival of the species.

  1. “Salmon are a crucial link in the food chains of both the ocean AND river systems!” asserts Pedro Bradbury, a surprisingly knowledgeable 10-year old, clutching a tear-drenched plush salmon. “The wild stocks of both Maxtopia and Blackacre are already irreparably depleted by sea lice and overfishing, and if we do nothing, Random Chaos is next. You need to severely tighten regulations for the farm barons: make them clean up their act before it’s too late!”
  2. “What’s the worst-case scenario? They’re extinct in twenty years or so? I’m eighty-six; I’ll be extinct in ten,” reasons ridiculously wealthy fish farm owner, Bjørnar Laksekonge. “This is really making a mountain out of a molehill. Look, if you just equate wild salmon with caged salmon in your government counts, I think you’ll see the problem disappearing overnight. I’m sure my boys can train a couple of our fish to swim upriver once or twice a year, nobody will care: a salmon is a salmon, right?”
  3. “People, people! Let’s forget about the salmon for a while and talk about the lice!” pleads Vera Harman, disgraced marine biologist and amateur chemist. “The louse - scourge of the salmon, free or farmed; wouldn’t it be nice if you could just make them go away? Well, you can! I’ve been working on a new type of pesticide targeting just this kind of situation. It’s still experimental, that’s for sure, but if you let fish farmers douse their tanks with my stuff I’ll guarantee that your lice problem will be a thing of the past, all while keeping your fish nice and sound. Actually, I’m not 100% sure about the fish, but the lice will definitely die!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Enforcer" to "Eminence Grise".

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia fell from "Eminence Grise" to "Enforcer".

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Black Market.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Greatest Rich-Poor Divides.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Greatest Rich-Poor Divides.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian police have to pay out of their own pockets for bulletproof vests.

2020-08-07 15:00

Your Stuff Is Forfeit

Property rights advocates and drug law reformers are up in arms this week. In the largest criminal asset forfeiture in Random Chaos’s history, the immense mansion of prominent citizen Alvin Woofsdale was seized after his nephew was arrested for dealing drugs. With the property already at auction and the legislature twiddling its thumbs as usual, your chief of staff invited the loudest voices into your office to vent their opinions on the matter.

  1. “Forfeiture is a barbaric, medieval practice whose time has come,” grumbles Woofsdale as he compulsively rubs his nose. “I had no idea what that little scamp was doing; heck, I wasn’t even in the country at the time! Yet the police can seize and sell off my whole house without even charging me with a crime, let alone convicting me! And ordinary folks are even worse off when it happens to them, who’s gonna help them get their homes back? It’s simply time to stop, if we believe in freedom, we must outlaw forfeiture!”
  2. “If cops take a little money from drug dealers and their associates, I ain’t seeing no problems with it,” bluntly states the trench coat clad Kumar Small, who has a prominent scar on his face. “I may have even made a few chips myself doing something similar. All in the game, right? Y’all oughta make it easier for cops to take drug dealers’ stuff, that way police will be able to keep policing and drug dealers won’t be able to afford to stay in business, all on the cheap for tax payers.”
  3. “Shoooooooot!” exclaims Mud Davidson, a high ranking government official, who is rumored to have a lifestyle suspiciously more luxurious than would be expected for his income. “We can’t afford to drop asset forfeiture, especially with tax receipts so low this year. But the police have too much incentive to use forfeiture, there needs to be oversight. I would like to head an independent Oversight Committee that would make sure the forfeiture does what it’s supposed to do and the government gets its cheques... uh, keep this in check.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mystics are claiming that a simultaneous rise in scepticism and education budgets is correlation rather than causation.

2020-08-07 09:00

The Queen in Yellow

An undergraduate medical statistician has stumbled across a weird occurrence: three of the five actors involved in a theatrical piece called The Queen in Yellow, as well as over ten percent of the members of the opening night audience, have since received diagnoses of various psychiatric illnesses. The media have picked up on this, labelling it “the play that sends you mad”, and predictably ticket sales are now skyrocketing.

  1. “I, uh...” stutters Cassilda, a former actress in the play, dismissed for ‘creative differences’. “I, uh, cth... think you fh... should stop the sh... show. My dreams haven’t been right since I was in the pl... play. The strange m-moon, the sh-shadows lengthen...”
  2. “Selective reporting!” shouts mathematics professor Camilla Whateley. “It’s like when they claimed that fighter jet pilots were having more female children, all over again. You need to learn how selection bias and basic statistics work. More to the point, the nation needs to learn how these things work. I’d suggest making stats a compulsory part of a properly funded core school curriculum. 85.7% of the seven statisticians I surveyed agree this is a good idea. The other guy, he’s just an annoying smelly little...”
  3. “But...” interjects an excitable stranger with a queer narrow head, a flat nose and bulgy, starry eyes. “But this is the most important theatrical production since Shoggoth on the Roof! Please accept these free tickets from us devoted fans, then personally endorse this wonderful play.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, childhood friends of Leader are living it large abroad at the taxpayers' expense.

2020-08-07 03:30

Ambassadors Inextraordinary

It was recently discovered that your predecessor had filled numerous ambassadorial positions with unqualified candidates and supporters. These include the ambassador to Wezeltonia, your predecessor’s personal masseuse, and the ambassador to Brancaland, a known crime lord. It’s clear to many that Random Chaos could use a change in the ranks of its diplomats.

  1. “This is a splendid opportunity to put in our own, far superior, ambassador picks!” enthuses your Political Adviser, Elena Doolittle. “It’s obvious that we can’t let those incompetents keep their positions any longer, so we sack them all and replace them with our own people. I’ve prepared a list for you to look at - we’ve got talented people like that first government official to endorse you, the Uranium Mining tycoon who donated millions to your campaign, and my younger brother. It’ll be wonderful!”
  2. “We need to abolish the entire system of ambassadors as political appointees,” says Jean-Luc Lennon, who has worked in the Foreign Ministry for the past three decades. “Over my sixteen tours of duty in the Foreign Service, I’ve been posted to hellholes like Brasilistan, Marche Noire, and Maxtopia. And then I see some champagne-sipping flunky waltz on in to become the ambassador, despite having never worked a day in their life. Every ambassador should have as much diplomatic experience as I do before being considered for the job.”
  3. “I spy an opportunity...” says your seldom-seen Minister of Whispers, who has somehow appeared beside you. “What our nation needs is for our ambassadors to be trained and equipped for - specialized operations - in foreign nations. Imagine our most elite black-ops agents, striking under cover of darkness to promote our nation’s goals. Think about it. I know you’ll make the right choice.”
  4. Nomathemba Scheer, the sole survivor of the infamous embassy bombing in Marche Noire, limps into your office with a cane. “You bet I’m not qualified for these ordeals,” she yells. “The things I’ve seen, the horrible things I’ve had to do, the countless nights I’ve spent awake working on that free-trade agreement have left me a broken woman! End this misery, Leader; shutter our embassies abroad and bring us all home.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government funds private schools for intellectually gifted children.

2020-08-06 21:00

Test Results Deemed ‘Ungood’ After Global Survey

In a worldwide survey, it has been revealed that Random Chaos’s population has been graded ‘dim’ by international comparison.

  1. “These results are terrible!” wails Eve Iglesias, a concerned teacher. “Something has to be done, and done quickly, if anyone’s going to take today’s youth seriously. It’s high time we started to promote our gifted children; it is they who are the ones that bring us forward! The rest of today’s youth shouldn’t worry though, a basic education should be enough for a factory worker.”
  2. “This is indeed a problem, and I believe it’s a result of the social inequality in Random Chaos,” comments Kanye Pong, a well-known social reformer. “It is obvious that students from different social classes will score differently in the tests. We can’t condemn all these kids to a life of inferiority because of a gifted minority. Instead we should make sure that everyone can follow the lessons! Lower the teaching level, so that even the less intellectually-orientated can keep up with the class. The nerds can always teach themselves; it would be unfair to provide them with extra funds after all.”
  3. “This is stupid, it would ruin our nation’s population of skilled workers!” says Peggy Whedon, a college professor. “There’s never enough able-minded citizens for the more specialised careers. We must force our less-intelligent to learn! Get their noses right against the grindstone! Let’s raise the bar a bit so even our best students have to sweat whilst learning! The others will of course be forced to learn even more to keep in touch, but that just shows them how real life works. To fund it, well, our defence budget is already too large, if you ask me.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people can get away with murder these days.

2020-08-06 15:00

Silence in Court

Suspected gangster Falala Shakespeare was recently called by the prosecution as a key witness in a high-profile murder case. However, once on the witness stand she refused to say a word, worried that her testimony might incriminate herself with regards to other unrelated crimes.

  1. “You can only incriminate yourself if you’ve done something wrong!” gruffly remarks prosecutor Jason ‘Obese Man’ McCabe, dragging his pet bulldog behind him. “If a witness is called to testify, they are obliged to do so, and to tell the whole truth no matter where that truth takes them. Failure to do so is contempt of court, and should in itself be subject to prosecution.”
  2. “It would be a serious injustice if the law allowed someone who, may I remind you, isn’t even on trial, to cut her throat with her own tongue,” rebuts defence lawyer Reese L. Woods, her pet chihuahua driving back McCabe’s canine with a flurry of yipping barks. “The privilege against self-incrimination should be one of the most fundamental rights under the Random Chaosian justice system and must not be abrogated under any circumstances.”
  3. “Who let these dogs out?” gravely asks Justice Bahamen, motioning for the court bailiffs to remove the offending animals. “Look, in my learned opinion, self-incriminating evidence should be inadmissible as evidence in future cases. We listen to what they say, but promise to forget whatever they’ve told us as soon as the case is over.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, business is adjusting to new gender equality policies in the workplace.

2020-08-06 09:00

Women Demand Equal Opportunities

The women of Random Chaos are demanding an end to wage discrimination in the workplace.

  1. “The government must put a stop to businesses discriminating against women when they apply for a job!” chants Renee Lennon, a ferocious supporter of women’s rights. “Did you know that, on average, men in Random Chaos earn substantially more than women for doing the same job? For too long has the female race been discriminated against in our society due to their sex! We demand equal wages, equal opportunities, and equal respect for women, and we demand them now!”
  2. “Hey, my business is treading a thin enough profit margin as it is,” complains Gregory Scheer, CEO of Heavy Lifting Incorporated. “Women just aren’t as good as men at certain jobs, it’s a probably proven fact! Take firefighting - if you were dying from smoke inhalation and collapsed on the floor unable to move, who would you prefer to attempt to rescue you? A man with superior muscular strength or some weakling female? Go on, you decide. Let the businesses decide what they pay and who they pay it to - after all, the economy depends on us.”
  3. “Hah! Our society is getting far too soft!” rages Zeke Bach, a staunch male chauvinist. “Whatever happened to the days when a man could go back home to find his good lady wife with his tea ready and his slippers warm? I’ve heard that some men even have to cook and clean for themselves! We should be actively encouraging women to stay where they belong by making it expected that women get paid half what men do for the same job. After all, their poor brains are prone to overheating, so they’re naturally less efficient in the workplace.”
  4. “Personally, I think things went wrong as soon as women got labelled as the ‘fairer’ sex,” interrupts Catherine Gratwick, author of the best-selling novel ‘Gynaecocracy For Beginners’. “We’re strong, we’re willing - and we’re just plain better than men. See what a state the world is in when they’re in charge? I propose that all jobs should preferentially be offered to women first, so that men are encouraged to stay at home and be househusbands.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the urinary fragrance of seedier establishments is thankfully hidden by the smell of stale smoke.

2020-08-06 03:00

Blowing Smoke

In the middle of a critical set of negotiations with the Trade Unions, your Minister of Industrial Development left without explanation. Due to a nasty storm delaying her journey, she wasn’t able to return until after angry unionists had set up an impromptu picket line in the corridor outside your office. She claimed the pressure of the negotiations demanded she have a cigarette, and the only place she could legally smoke was at home.

  1. “This is stupid,” rants your agitated Minister, not seeming to be particularly soothed from her clandestine smoke break. “When I need to smoke, I need to smoke, dagnabbit. Is second-hand smoke a bit carcinogenic? Maybe, but so is just about everything, and I don’t see these worrywarts advocating a goddamn paint ban. End this ban on public smoking, and I guarantee people will be way more flippin’ happy and productive.”
  2. “Smokers’ rights end where my health begins,” retorts your massage therapist, George W. Dylan, while attempting to loosen a knot in your back. “How can you take deep soul-cleansing breaths when the air is filled with smoke? You should ban this bad habit altogether. After all, with smoking legal at home, you’re still making kids pay for their parents’ nasty habits. If nicotine addicts want a buzz, they can discretely use some gum or a patch.”
  3. “You could just designate public smoking areas across Random Chaos,” shouts Margaret Longbottom from a small park across the street from your office, though you struggle to hear her over the din of the rain. “People who don’t want to be exposed to smoke can avoid them and smokers don’t have to be so inconvenienced.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, metal detectors have been banned after a bottle cap caused a riot at the beach.

2020-08-05 21:00

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Random Chaos

Eccentric millionaire Klaus Christensen caused an uproar after he said that he hid a treasure chest filled with one million chips somewhere in Random Chaos City. Widespread trespassing and two deaths have caused great debate over whether the hunt should go on.

  1. “Excuse me, coming through!” booms Random Chaos City’s overworked Chief of Police, Robin Jekyll, having roughly detained a teenager who was outside your door. “Look at this chaos! Can you imagine the logistical nightmare if this treasure hunt is allowed to continue? Thousands of people stampeding and tearing up Random Chaos City and rioting if they don’t win? If you care about the safety and security of your citizens, you should put an end to these shenanigans and heavily restrict treasure hunting so it complies with public safety standards.”
  2. “Hold on!” yells your Minister of Tourism as she rummages through your desk. “You can’t put an end to this hunt. The people clearly want it to continue. Everyone is happy, buying supplies, and generating profits for local businesses. In fact, this should be an annual tradition! That will really bring in the tourists!” She storms out of your office after realizing the chest isn’t there.
  3. As you finally relax in your chair, you are greeted by your Minister of the Environment Ásmunda Putin, who happened to be hiding behind your office plant. “I have a great compromise! Imagine if you had these treasure hunts in our great national parks! Picture the rush of people exploring and appreciating the great wilderness that Random Chaos has to offer, under supervision of course, all for the price of a ticket.”
  4. Your phone rings several times before you answer it. “Hello Leader,” says a distorted voice of indeterminate origin. “I can’t help but notice that there are some key government critics who are also searching for the treasure. Wouldn’t it be convenient if they got lost following some faulty clues?” You immediately hear a click and a dial tone.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, doctors accused of having no heart reply that cardiology isn't their speciality.

2020-08-05 15:00

Drug Deal

Preliminary trials of a new immunotherapy drug have suggested that it may achieve remission in bone marrow cancers by up to 28% of formerly untreatable patients. It’s years away from being clinically available, but desperate cancer sufferers are asking for you to expedite this.

  1. “Damn bureaucrats are standing between sick people and life-saving treatment,” complains Silvio Patton, a lobbyist for international pharmaceuticals company Fizer-Updick, pausing for a second as his lawyer whispers something into his ear. “That is to say, these potentially life-saving treatments. Just cut out the red tape, and we can start saving lives. Act now or you will be murdering these poor patients!” His lawyer holds up a hastily-handwritten sign behind the lobbyist’s head observing that statements made may not represent the official opinion of the Fizer-Updick corporation, nor imply an accusation of legal culpability.
  2. “Sorry, this is medical science, not faith healing,” snarls unsympathetic-seeming Dr. Archibald Wall. “We require multi-phase trials to make sure a medicine is non-toxic, safe in the long term and to make sure it actually really works. It’s a shame that a percentage of the population have to die while we wait, but better to lose a few hundred lives than to compromise scientific integrity. No offence, but these deaths are just unavoidable collateral damage in the war on cancer.”
  3. At this point, you note there’s a perky goth girl with a silver ankh necklace and a swirly tattoo under her right eye in the room. You swear you didn’t see her come in. “Life isn’t measured in years, but in moments. Moments of kindness and connection mean a lot more when death is standing right next to you. Maybe all your doctors could spend more time talking to people instead of thinking about drugs and medicines all the time. You know, listening to their dreams, destinies, desires and deliriums. It’s always good to talk with someone who cares, right at the end.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign musicians that Leader dislikes are turned away at the border.

2020-08-05 09:00

The Deportation of Mr. B. Leeper

Brancalandian pop star Bryan Leeper has gotten into trouble with the law yet again while on tour in Random Chaos. He was caught urinating on a fire hydrant, making this his tenth arrest in the past year. Tens of thousands of anti-Bleepers have signed a petition demanding that the pop star be deported back to his native Brancaland.

  1. “Let it be known,” reads petition author Lauren Davis, from a ragged piece of parchment covered in coffee stains, “that we the good people of Random Chaos who care about music, and entertainment, and celebrity misbehaviors, demand that law-breaker Bryan Leeper be deported with all due haste back to his native country of frozen Brancaland. He can go love himself back home. We demand that he be declared a public menace. May he never return to our fair country nor inflict his immature, overly catchy, pop music on our airwaves.”
  2. “We don’t want the little brat back!” declares the Brancalandian Foreign Minister, seen smashing Bryan Leeper CDs with a hockey stick. “I bumped into the Maxtopian ambassador on my way here. It seems that Mr. Leeper has an outstanding legal issue over in Maxtopia that could involve jail time if he’s found guilty. Why not extradite him there as a diplomatic move? What’s that? Well yes, Maxtopia has the death penalty. I’m sure he hasn’t done anything that serious there.”
  3. “All I need, is your love, your love, my love, your love, youuuuuuu!” sings your teenage niece’s best friend, who is also president of the Random Chaosian Bryan Leeper Fan Club. “You can’t send him away! He’s a troubled young artist trying to find his way. His message is pure and sweet and he’s, like, so totally dreamy. Listen!” She starts to sing again as secret service men usher her out of the room. “Baby, baby, don’t leave me alone, don’t walk awa....” Unfortunately, you’ve heard enough to have the song stuck in your head all day. It really is catchy.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Politically Apathetic Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, authorities are looking for a stool pigeon to rat out who is stealing food from pigeon toilets.

2020-08-05 03:00

Bye Bye to the Birdies?

After Smalltopian journalists reporting on recent protein powder trade negotiations penned more articles on Random Chaosian government buildings covered in bird droppings than international commerce, questions have been raised as to whether Random Chaos’s “pigeon problem” has gotten out of control.

  1. “Get these damned flying rats off me!” yells Buffy Hitchcock, a member of the Random Chaos City Beautification Council, desperately trying to wave away the pigeons pecking at her. “These vermin are everywhere, defecating on us, spreading disease and damaging bronze and marble with their caustic droppings. It’s all happening because a bunch of nutjobs are feeding them to feel good about themselves. Leader, ban pigeon-feeding immediately, so we may be free of this feathered pestilence!”
  2. “This is their city as much as it is ours,’’ sings your childhood nanny Miriam Poppout, while staring at a snow globe with unsettling intensity. “You can’t let these beautiful creatures die! We should embrace bird feeding. Random Chaos City will become known as ‘The City of a Million Pigeons’ and tourists will flock from across the world to see the birds and feed them at only two chips a bag.”
  3. “I can’t see what the fuss is about,” chimes in B.F. Spinner, a spokesperson of the Random Chaos City Ornithological Society. “Ask any illusionist or postman you know: pigeons are highly trainable animals. If the problem is that they are pooping around, they can simply be given potty training. Just put small toilet bowls at designated spots in the city, equipped with a food dispenser that gives food pellets when a pigeon poops there. The pooping behavior will thus be positively reinforced and voila! - the next time the pigeon will go to the toilet bowl when it needs to poop. Problem solved!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the mob and the police have recently had numerous clashes in the back alleys of Random Chaos's cities due to the government's steadfast anti-casino stance.

2020-08-04 21:00

Gambling Interests Offer High Stakes

In light of Random Chaos’s ban on gambling, people ranging from angry homemakers to allegedly legitimate businesspeople have been arguing incessantly about whether or not banning casinos was a good idea.

  1. “We are highly distressed at your decision to revoke our casino licences,” says FamilyCorp. Representative ‘Fat Tony’, sipping a glass of fine wine. “If the ban were to be revoked, think of all the money you could get from your cut of the profit. In addition, it would help ensure the safety of assorted members of Random Chaos’s government. I think this is an offer that you should not refuse.”
  2. “These casinos cannot be allowed to reopen!” says Alejandro Vajiralongkorn, an ex-gambling addict. “Remember what happened last time? People get out of control and lose their life’s savings! Just say no to these so-called legitimate businesses! And crack down on the rest of organized crime while you’re at it.”
  3. “There is a solution to this problem,” says Native Random Chaosian chief Dances With Gamblers. “You could let us front the casinos as payback for stealing our land, and we’ll enforce age limits and pay some tax on the income these casinos generate. Just think of the jobs it could create for us, and the boost to the economy!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the current TV ratings hit is "Keeping Up With The Random Chaosians".

2020-08-04 15:00

That Smarts

The clever boffins down in Human Resources have been experimenting with the cloning vats, and have realised that by tweaking DNA they can alter cognitive neurotransmitter levels, and create babies that are significantly more or less intelligent than the average.

  1. “Oh brave new nation, that has such wonders, innit?” asks Professor Heather Phillips, dancing maniacally around a laboratory filled with bubbling multicoloured liquids in complicated glassware. “Let’s use this technologiwotsit to make Random Chaos the most cleverest place in the world. Sure, messing around like this might cause neurological cancers to get more commoner, and has had the side effect of making people less gooder at working together, but people need to get more brainsier, don’t they? Braaaaaaaains!”
  2. “If everyone is an egomaniac intellectual, then who will take out the trash or lift a hod of bricks?” asks Director of Social Engineering Magnus Weasley. “Do breed an intellectual elite of strong-minded Alphas to rule, but also create competent Betas to administrate, obedient Gammas below them, and so on, eventually ending up with dumb Epsilons to do the manual work with a happy grin on their cow-like faces. The economy will thrive with everyone content in their genetically assigned roles!”
  3. “Ohmigod, the horror, you have to ban the vats!” yells your brother, waving his arms. “Naaa... I’m just messing with you! What you should actually do is breed everybody to be as dumb as possible. A smart tyrant always gets rid of the intellectuals first, and the best time to do that is before they’ve even been conceived. Combine pre-birth dumbification with suppressing the morons’ education, and there’s no reason why you can’t rule unchallenged for the rest of our lives.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the old neighbourhood isn't how most Random Chaosians remember it.

2020-08-04 10:00

Breath of the Wild

Scientists have successfully revived the long-extinct feather-bellied gambler to the point where a population of the creatures can be sustained in the wild. The nation’s leading wildlife experts and gambler enthusiasts have offered their suggestions on how Random Chaos should handle these animals.

  1. “We can’t upset the balance of nature!” proclaims Mipha Cage, Chief Veterinarian at a national park in Random Chaos, while feeding the fish in your office. “These animals haven’t been around for more than a hundred years. Who knows how they’ll react to their new surroundings? It could cause a total shift in the food-chain and the entire ecosystem. We should maintain their population in controlled environments — like preserves, research centers and zoos.”
  2. “Instead of tampering with nature, why not just let it be?” proposes Daruk Hester, an animal rights activist. “We have proved that we have the power to bring these species back to life, but now they need to be left alone in peace. Release these animals into the wild and let Mother Nature take her course. Be a friend of the environment, not the master of it.”
  3. “These animals should be used for the benefit of all Random Chaosians,” asserts farmer Urbosa Patel, as she herds a flock of sheep around your office. “What a waste it would be to release them into the wild — they belong on farms! Imagine all that they could do for us, and the gourmet foods that we could make with their juicy, succulent meat!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, scientists recently cloned the long-extinct feather-bellied gambler.

2020-08-04 03:00

Genetics Brings New Life to Extinct Species

Scientists have announced they are close to a breakthrough in their quest to revive the feather-bellied gambler, a species related to Random Chaos’s national animal that has been extinct for more than a century.

  1. “I, for one, applaud their work,” says scientist Xu Gates. “And not just because I’m the project leader. This is an example of how Random Chaos’s brains can mix it with the world’s best. Can you imagine how wonderful it will be to have feather-bellied gamblers frolicking in the meadows again? I say full steam ahead, and more government funding!”
  2. “This is a sacrilege!” says religious leader Chuck Meier. “These animals are extinct because God wants them dead. Cloning them would merely incur his wrath! If we proceed down this path, it’ll be humans, not the feather-bellied gambler, who will be extinct.”
  3. “Now, come on,” says Ivanka Stevens, well-known philosopher. “You don’t need to be religious to be unnerved by the top of this particular slippery slope. Today it’s gamblers, tomorrow it’s dinosaurs, and we all know how that turns out. This research shouldn’t be banned, but there must be strict government controls over its use.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's faithful often say there is a higher power watching over them.

2020-08-03 21:00

Don’t Drink the Grape Punch

The Citizens’ Chapel Cultivation Concept, a radical religious movement frequently accused of being a cult, shocked the country today after they committed mass suicide in the rural village of Mansbridgetown. Two hundred and seventeen Random Chaosians are dead, including the cult’s charismatic leader. The horrified public, including many relatives of the deceased, are urging you to prevent future atrocities.

  1. “How could the government let this happen?” cries Charles Skinner, sobbing into an oversized handkerchief. “If the government had monitored this ‘Citizens’ Chapel Cultivation Concept’, they’d have seen the lethal drug stockpile and my son would still be alive! The government must focus on defending its citizenry from wacko cults such as the Citizens’ Chapel, even if it means state surveillance of every religious group in Random Chaos!”
  2. “Heresy! Or, you know, just plain unfair,” gripes Indira Bishop, the leader of the Tranquility of Yellow, donning a mellow yellow top hat. “We cannot have unbelievers profaning our sacred spaces with their very presence. It’s not nice. Sure, some wacky groups cite religion to commit atrocities, but those are the minority of religious sects! I demand - for all religious groups - absolute privacy from government encroachment!”
  3. “You could have prevented this,” announces journalist Max Hadfield, scattering article drafts onto your desk. “I’d investigated the Citizens’ Chapel for months. I had records of huge drug shipments, and sworn affidavits from former members testifying to Mansbridge’s midnight muttering and purveying paranoia. I wrote to ask every department to stop the nutcase. But he kissed some junior ministers’... whatever, and nothing happened. To top it all, my stories were pulled - I was accused of persecuting him! If the government was expected to seriously investigate all concerns, those poor people might still be alive.”
  4. “We all know the real problem, and it won’t be solved by turning this nation into some kind of police state,” muses Jadzia Nguyen, the ethereal sister to one of the deceased, who is sporting a T-shirt that reads Hugs Not Drugs. “The real problem isn’t that some people have a different belief. Hey, live and let live, right? But when this Mansbridge guy started preaching ‘heroic self-immolation’, you let him get hold of all kinds of bad stuff. Sleeping pills, pain pills, potassium cyanide... You know. Not cool. If you, like, stopped selling substances that can kill people, we can all just go and live in peace.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is a crime to operate a combine harvester while intoxicated.

2020-08-03 15:00

Crop Circles Clutter Random Chaos City

After several years of beaming Earth’s location into outer space, it seems somebody has finally responded... by leaving cryptic messages in the form of crop circles in the fields around Random Chaos City. You tried to summon the nation’s leading minds to concoct a response, but only three eccentrics showed up.

  1. “Aliens! They’re aliens I tell you!” raves Felicity Harel, the Alternative History Channel’s most notorious correspondent. “Finally we can establish a dialogue with the great extraterrestrials who helped mankind leap from the stone age to the ancient monuments of old. This is clearly a depiction of their alien moon. We should study it to learn more about them.”
  2. “That’s no moon!” bellows Kim O, the nation’s foremost authority on Battlestar Galactica fanfiction. “It’s obviously some alien form of surveillance, preparation for an invasion. I say we rally the combined military forces of The Hatrackia and just shoot into the sky until we hit something! We’re bound to kill at least one alien invader before we all die a hero’s death!”
  3. “Um, has anyone noticed that looks an awful lot like Random Chaos City FC’s logo?” counters Dr. Renee Underwood while spreading aerial photos of the phenomenon across your desk. “There’s a logical explanation to all this that doesn’t involve aliens. The circles were probably caused by intoxicated farm boys. Actually, investing in a small program to teach farmers how to operate machinery more responsibly couldn’t hurt.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the mood of raunchy movies is often ruined by the sound of babies crying.

2020-08-03 09:00

Curtains for the Horrorshow

 After last week’s highly anticipated release of the new horror movie “Scary Dream on Fifth Street”, reports have been coming in that movie theaters across Random Chaos City have been allowing children as young as five to watch the film despite the recommendation of ratings boards that the film is suitable only for adults.

  1. “Oh, the horror!” exclaims Rochelle Rifkin, president of watchdog group Mothers For Kids’ Safeguarding. “The parts with the eating of the brains, the horrible mutilations, that policeman with liberal politics... it was so gut-churningly disgusting, even I stopped watching! These children will be scarred for life! It’s time to crack down on movie theaters that are harming our younger generation: everyone, without exception, must provide proof of their age, and any who allow children to watch films rated for adults should be fined and prosecuted!”
  2. Seven-year-old Rosalia Yossef has seen the movie in question and disagrees. “I liked the film. I especially enjoyed the part where the zombie tore off the man’s arms. My mommy says that because I’m a kid, I shouldn’t see this movie, but I think the ratings aren’t really rules. They’re just someone’s advice, right? Some of us children are really smart and are totally not as easy to influence as grown-ups think. And if you disagree, then... then... **** you, I’ll KILL YOU, you ****ING *********! RAAAAAARGH!” Security drags her away as she claws at their eyes.
  3. “Who needs these kinds of movies in the first place?” asks your grandmother, drinking tea and reminiscing about her younger years. “Back when I raised your parents we didn’t have so many scary movies, and look how they turned out. The people who make the movies in the first place should have to test them in front of a young audience, and if even one kid gets scared or upset, the film should be banned. We can’t have these awful films being seen by the public, can we?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Conservative.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation gives peace a chance - usually one in a million.

2020-08-03 04:00

Gunning for Profits

The diplomatic peace process between historic enemies Maxtopia and North Bigtopia is gaining momentum, to the delight of many who have worked hard to end this decades-long conflict. However, many Random Chaosian defence contractors are feeling less than celebratory, as the outbreak of peace has led to both nations cancelling longstanding and lucrative arms deals.

  1. “We’ve got cancellations on multiple big-ticket items, including a squadron of Blue Gambler fighter jets,” complains arms manufacturing bigwig Hayley Garak. “Jobs and profit margins are at risk! If you want a healthy defence industry in this country, you have to persuade the two nations to renew their contracts. If that means napalming them until they comply, then so be it! Shall I put you down for a dozen long-range bombers?”
  2. “Look, we don’t have to be so blatant about things,” whispers your new janitor, who you realize is actually the CEO of Armat Battlefield Systems in an elaborate wig. “All you need is a dozen of your most loyal and discreet black ops soldiers wearing Maxtopian uniforms and carrying M41s, the rifle of choice of the Maxtopian Colonial Marine. Send them into North Bigtopia, have them shoot up a government building, and make sure they’re caught on camera. Next thing you know, we’ll all be back in business.”
  3. “Why don’t we go with the flow rather than make war on the peace process?” asks Diplomatic Corps Director Luigi McKinnon, bringing you a nice cup of tea. “Scale down our own military spending, subsidise business interests that can profit from peace in the region, and let our own economy become less dependent on manufacturing the tools of destruction. Oh, that’s weird,” he declares, while brushing at a glowing red dot that has appeared over his chest.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 75% of the words in government-funded "Super Fun Maths Games" are probably inaccurate.

2020-08-02 21:00

Ups and Downs

Trampoline parks are springing up all over Random Chaos, with legions of playful children of all ages leaping off raised platforms and bouncing off mats. Perhaps predictably, large numbers of injuries are occurring with a multitude of sprained ankles, a not insignificant number of broken limbs, and even a bizarre incident where two amorous braces-wearing teenagers became entangled and required urgent medical intervention.

  1. “One person per trampoline, no talking while jumping, land only on your feet, do not jump between trampolines, wall trampolines are for decorative purposes only, and the company is not liable for any injuries,” recites Abraham Suzuki, CEO of Twist-and-Scream Jump Park. “That’s what it says in our three minute mandatory induction video, and on the waivers that we make all customers sign, and on the big signs above the steel-spiked climbing wall. We don’t need a nanny state telling people what they can and can’t do, and if people hurt themselves then it’s due to their own carelessness. Trampolining is actually great exercise for kids. In fact, you should subsidise schools who want to incorporate our play parks into their school PE lessons. It’ll be fun and educational! Er... funducational!”
  2. “Nobody is trying to stop kids having fun,” snaps sour-faced parent Debra Carpenter, pinning her four-year-old son’s arms down to stop him touching a nearby balloon. “There just ought to be more stringent regulations of these businesses, and no legal weight to waiving responsibility for children under their care with a disclaimer. Fine them for each injury that occurs under their watch, and our children will be safer.”
  3. “Actually, stopping kids having fun sounds like quite a good idea,” observes algebra teacher Newt Onslaugh, decorating a pile of x hundred-question mathematics test papers with a total of (sin2(x) + cos2(x))(e2ln10)x red crosses. “Maybe if the government banned trampoline parks and replaced them with mathematics activity centres then these idiot children might be able to raise their academic achievement levels a little.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, police officers often conceal their identities to safeguard against public complaints.

2020-08-02 15:00

An Unwarranted Intrusion

When maverick cop Nyota Mealor suspected that city worker François Steele had kidnapped 13-year-old Tobias with murderous intentions, she knew that by the time she applied for a search warrant the poor teen could already be dead. She kicked the door down, and saved the day. In the aftermath, many are asking if she did the right thing, and what lessons Random Chaos could learn here.

  1. “Why do we even need search warrants anyways?” asks gung-ho police officer Bharatendu Haynes, grizzled long-time partner of the hero cop. “All this bureaucracy does is make it harder for us to find the people responsible for crimes. If you have nothing to hide, then what’s the problem?”
  2. “That’s typical police state thinking! Proper procedure protects the populace!” exclaims Gertie Oz, a representative of anti-corruption foundation World Of Watchdog. “We need to make it clear that a search warrant must be obtained before forced entry, and we should prosecute this officer for breach of procedure! Can you imagine the police busting in while you’re sharing an intimate moment with your partner? Can you imagine if a cop with a grudge against you decides to break in and wreak havoc with your house on a whim? Is that what you want?”
  3. “We do need warrants for sure, but sometimes officers see something that causes them to make a split second decision, when they have to act immediately for the common good, without going through all the proper steps first,” says Chief Lars Vasquez of the Random Chaos City Police Department. “I think we should judge breaks in protocol by the results. If the suspects were hiding something, then no problem. But if the officer finds nothing, then we have to judge whether their actions were reasonable, or illegal.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, police officers have been re-kitted with designer uniforms and gold-plated handcuffs.

2020-08-02 09:00

Death Penalty on Death Row?

After new DNA evidence has proven that recently executed inmate Harriet Davenport was actually innocent, human rights activists have been campaigning to ban the death penalty.

  1. “This is government-sanctioned murder!” chants Luigi Krugman, a human rights activist, from outside your office door. “It must end! Not only is it murder, but it amounts to hypocrisy of the highest nature. Yeah, keeping criminals locked up instead of mercilessly killing them might be costly, but maybe we can offset the cost by putting them to work making handcrafts in the prison store? Regardless, we have to abolish the death penalty - it’s the only right and moral thing to do!”
  2. “What about other potential criminals out there?” whimpers Random Chaos Neighbourhood Watch spokesperson Sandra Roosevelt, who has taken to hiding beneath your desk. “Did you know that since we introduced the death penalty the crime rate has decreased hugely? I say we introduce the death penalty for more crimes, like burglary and trespassing, and then no-one will ever dare to do anything wrong!”
  3. “There’s absolutely no proof that the crime rate has decreased,” states Angela Abbott, your foreign affairs advisor, with a nod. “But I have an idea. If we’re going to be killing these people, we ensure it’s as non-violent and as respectful as possible; make our executions more humane and give these people some choice in how they die. The international community will love us for our civility and humaneness. We’ll be an international benchmark!”
  4. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” Don Fowler, the Chief Deputy Assistant Police Commissioner states, swirling a pair of handcuffs on one finger. “We don’t go around executing innocent people for the fun of it; accidents happen! So those hippy people should quit their boo-hooin’. Look, if we give our boys in blue some more cash maybe there’ll be less room for mistakes. Everyone goes away happy.”
  5. “Hows abo’ bringin’ back dem-dere good ol’ fashioned lynchings? Bring justice back ter tha peoples!” shouts Jethro, a survivalist. “Who’d dare ta kill innocent peoples when tha punishmen’ is bein’ pelted ta death wit’ rocks?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Authoritarian and Most Advanced Defense Forces.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the sanitised and dull music festivals of Random Chaos are famed for their reasonable volume levels.

2020-08-02 03:00

Chips, Drugs, and Rock’n’Roll

A group of surprisingly hip and mellow businessmen have meandered over to your office, with paperwork to propose Gamblerfest, a celebration of music, dance and good times that will incidentally make them a truckload of money. They see your nation not only as the new stomping grounds for this annual music festival, but also as a place that could be seen as being friendly to festival culture in general, welcoming the dread-locked (and sometimes nude) bear-dancing nomads, with their mind-altering substances, groovy music and economy-stimulating disposable incomes.

  1. “This festeroo is gonna be groovy, man!” croons Eve Goethe, famous lead guitarist of Grateful Floyd. “I can’t wait to transcend the minds of all that watch me, man! My guitar just may steal your face right off your head, stick it on a rock-rocket and then set the controls for the heart of the sun! Ya know, man?! Leader, you can even jam with us if you give us the space for this festival!”
  2. “I don’t know about this!” worries Rex Montgomery, an angry old man. “These darn hippies want to be flooding my town with their drug paraphernalia, their smelly bodies, their electronical guitars and their ‘popping’ music! Keep these drug-fueled, fried-egg-brained layabouts out of our great nation! Say no to drugs! Say no to subversive drug music! Say no to young people!”
  3. “How about we have the festival, but supply enough police presence to keep the drugs out?” asks Peggy Suzuki, a former weed-smoking spiritualist turned substance-abuse counsellor. “We can have our police force monitor the festival, and maybe also have an anti-drug awareness campaign working the festival, and some consultation work to minimise local disruption and environmental impact. We can have a good time and keep the drugs away... It’s all about the music, isn’t it?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation operates a "finders-keepers" policy with other nations' citizens.

2020-08-01 21:00

Rodney and Julietta

The unlikely romance between your nephew Rodney and Princess Julietta, the second daughter of the King of Moltevino, has been the talk of The Hatrackia for many months. However, it hit a snag when the young couple decided to make a long-term commitment. Moltevino refuses to sanction such a match, as your nephew is not of royal blood.

  1. “The King of Moltevino extends his noble hand in friendship,” declares Moltevino’s ambassador Lord Capello between tightly clenched lips, half-bowing. “Our fair kingdom has been enriched by exports of our many grape-based products and would like to share that glory through a favorable trade agreement. The King has one small request in return: lock your threadbare juggler of a nephew away from the Pearl of Moltevino, burn all his mad-headed ravings of love, and keep that rancorous coxcomb confined until he has foresworn all ties that he claims existed between himself and the Princess. Her Radiance isn’t a hedge-born puterelle who should be consorting with commoners! No offence intended.”
  2. “Pathetic little Moltevino is trying to push us around?” scoffs the Minister of Ego-Boosting. “You could spit from one side of their country and hit the other side! Their only notable export is wine. Granted, it’s damn good wine, but we still have Marche Noire. Let good old Princess Jules come and live in Random Chaos. What are the Moltevinans gonna do? Invade us to get their ‘Pearl’ back? With what — their army of three pensioners, two cowards, and one courageous golden retriever named ‘Cuddles’? I’d like to see them try!”
  3. “Fair Moltevino has so much more than wine,” exhorts Joseph Powers, the Minister of Culture, as he holds up a brochure. “Look at this: meandering river cruises through wine country, historic architecture, Lovers’ Clock in the piazza vecchia. Perhaps an influx of tourist cash might be the tie that binds this lovers’ knot, through a story that shouldn’t be forgot. The young couple could settle in their preferred nation, and in return we would help promote Moltevino as a major tourist destination. Lots of sightseers visiting romantic places can put a smile on even the grumpiest of kings’ faces. For never was a story marketed better, than that of Rodney and his Julietta.”
  4. “Oh, just become a monarch,” shrugs your laziest nephew, Gene, who’s just been fired after one day at his latest in a long line of jobs. “Come on, you waving to the people from balconies, talking about ‘royal unions between two nations, both alike in dignity’... folks’d love it! Then Rodney would be ‘His Royal Highness Rodney of Random Chaos’ and I’d never have to work again... I mean, and he could be with the Princess. Wouldn’t that be cool?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is continually probing the galaxy in search of alien life.

2020-08-01 15:00

To Boldly Go?

As the government prepares for its latest budget, the Random Chaosian Space Agency is looking for direction from you. Petitioners have been transported to your office to present their ideas.

  1. “We should seek out new life and new civilisation,” implores William Kirk, an elderly utopian SF author and astronomer. “There are trillions of stars, and it’s mad to believe Earth alone harbours intelligence. There might be alien green-skinned lovelies, just waiting for contact with a real man. We need telescopes and exploration probes, aimed at the second star to the right, and straight on till morning. Show some enterprise. See what’s out there... That-away.”
  2. “They call it a space race, but being first at any cost is not always the point,” suggests reformist politician Patrick Picard, looking suspiciously at five lightbulbs illuminating the room. “Attend to the small details at the Random Chaosian Space Agency. Are they assimilating all the men and women needed, in an equal and fair fashion? Sometimes a counsellor can be of as much value as a pilot.” He takes a sip of hot Earl Violet tea. “I may be accused of being overly methodical, but these things matter. Suspend launches for now, and attend to infrastructure. Make it so.”
  3. “Space, I regret to say, is a dangerous place,” offers gruff base-commander and part-time gourmet chef Avery Sisko. “It’s not just about science, nor about being an emissary for corporate profits. It’s about security. Near-Earth space is getting crowded, with a multitude of nations seeking absolute dominion. You don’t want the East Lebatuckese to get any further with their space program, do you? Who knows what they’re doing up there with that Sputnak satellite? We need a new kind of space ship, to show our defiance of those agendas. One with guns. Lots of guns.”
  4. “Is anyone else here kind of bored?” yells young tearaway William Kirk Jr., revving his motorbike as he rides into your office, in clear contravention of rules and regulations. “We gotta make space exciting again for people, make the old things new again! Not just dry data and lore for tech-geeks, but awesomeness for ordinary people who like explosions, and lens-flared sunsets, and stuff like that. Reboot the Space Agency! Let’s have firework displays, televised low orbit skydiving, and celebrity astronauts with great hair! I dare you to do better!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people across the world seek to be healthier by eliminating carbs.

2020-08-01 09:00

Grave Disease

A group of teenagers have stumbled across an abandoned graveyard in the highest mountains of Random Chaos containing bodies infected with a new, unknown, and deadly strain of Maxtopian Pox — a disease previously thought eradicated. With the infected teenagers isolated in hospital, you have called an emergency meeting with top virologists to discuss available options.

  1. “This virus, inadvertently reactivated following permafrost excavation, was thought to be fully eradicated a few decades ago,” exclaims Theresa Popov, wearing a full hazmat suit. “If it spreads, it could cause devastation in Random Chaos on an unprecedented scale! Simply put, both our immune systems and the pharmacological armory are not prepared to face this threat. We must quarantine ground zero and offer vaccinations to nearby settlements, unless you want a pandemic on your hands.”
  2. “Humanity eradicated the Maxtopian Pox by vaccinating every single person,” whispers public health official Buffy Wickremesinghe, trying to stick a needle in you. “But these days, we have become complacent. In preparation for the inevitable outbreak, we must mandate routine vaccination against the Maxtopian Pox for everyone! Those who refuse to be vaccinated must be infected with the virus and left to die in the isolated wilderness as a demonstration of what will happen if we don’t prepare.”
  3. “Deadly disease, you say?” cheerfully asks one of your more jingoistic advisers. “This is a great opportunity to bolster our military presence in The Hatrackia, and you’re just letting it go to waste! I say dig up the bodies, bring them to the totally non-existent Area 50, and use them as biological weapons! Everyone’s going to think twice about attacking us now!”
  4. “You can save humanity by saving the planet!” yells a messy-looking teenage protester who just entered your office through a window. “Climate change is causing the ice to melt, releasing deadly diseases that have been trapped for centuries. To prevent epidemics, we must stop climate change. Enforce tougher environmental regulations in Random Chaos. Eliminate carbon emissions! Forget the immediate crisis; we have to prevent future ones!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Advanced Law Enforcement and Most Avoided.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is more interested in identifying problems than fixing them.

2020-08-01 03:00

The Making of a Mass Murderer

Seemingly with nothing better to do with their time, the Ministry of Statistics has conducted a study profiling the most prolific Random Chaosian serial killers and murderers. They have determined that the vast majority of the perpetrators tend to be sexually frustrated single men.

  1. “The problem is that these unfortunate men are being denied entry into the sexual marketplace,” posits controversial University of Random Chaos City professor Peter Jordanson while stroking his goatee. “Women are humiliating these men with constant rejection. Is it any wonder that they snap? If you want to stop mass violence, we need to have government-arranged marriages and enforced monogamy, so that these men have loving wives who put out and take care of them. Do this, you’ll surely see murder rates drop.”
  2. “You’re surely not going to listen to this misogynistic drivel, are you?” scoffs renowned feminist speaker Naki North. “It’s not women who are the problem, it’s men who think they are somehow owed sex! If you want this problem to go away, we need to start teaching our boys things like respect, consent, coping with rejection, and the inherent emotional immaturity of men. If men still can’t see the problem, well, there’s plenty of psychiatric institutions with available rooms.”
  3. “I think maybe our report isn’t being taken as a whole,” drones Ministry Statistician Emile Turnbull in a dull monotone. “Correlations with lack of sexual satisfaction exist, but there’s also low educational attainment, social isolation, childhood trauma, association with sexually deviant communities, lack of stable employment and the Hervey Cleckley ‘Mask of Sanity’ to consider. You know what would really help? More funding for the Ministry of Statistics, and a pay rise for your statisticians. I mean, sometimes, I get so frustrated about the lack of security in this lonely job. I know I should have studied harder, I just wanted to make mother proud but she always wanted more... always so much more...” He trails off and stares into space for a while.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hedge fund managers are diversifying into herbaceous borders.

2020-07-31 21:00

Blooming Out of Proportion

Your sister, who is an auction addict, has just given you a pot of white-dotted pink Gallopavian gladioli. She purchased it at auction for 500,000 chips, which she insists was a great bargain. Taking advantage of this, your financial advisors are prodding you to consider the possibility that gladiolus prices may have gone out of control in Random Chaos.

  1. “Your sister could have bought a fancy apartment in downtown Random Chaos City for that sum!” exclaims Charlene Mackay, your Finance Minister, leaning over the pot to sniff the flowers and turning away in disgust. “Eww, and they don’t even smell nice! This only shows that we have a gladiolus bubble building up, and Violet only knows when it will burst, blowing away the investors’ money and collapsing our economy. A financial crisis is the last thing we need now. You should set a ceiling trading price for gladioli and other goods that deviate too far from their actual intrinsic values, and put an end to unstable markets based on frenzied speculation!”
  2. “Whoa, since when do we meddle with the free market economy?” asks Viceroy O. J. Busbeck, a flamboyant merchant, who is renowned for his Gallopavian gladiolus corm importing business. “You can’t put a price on these gorgeous flowers! Well... I mean to say, you can. You know what I mean! Do you know how much effort and expertise are required to cultivate these rare gladiolus varieties? In fact, your government’s public finances could benefit massively if you were to buy a billion chips worth of gladioli, and you could probably sell them in a month or two for twice that! I’ll even wrap them up in a small bouquet for you! Speculative trading is a guaranteed win-win, right? Just buy flowers, and watch our economy blossom!”
  3. “Well, after a while the bloom will be off the gladiolus. What will you do then?” muses Agricultural Minister Jane Brueghel. “Paying crazy amounts of money for these corms enriches Gallopavia and is wrecking our balance of trade. But I know a way out of this. Leader, we should subsidise flower farmers to cultivate our own surprisingly-similar gladioli, and undercut Gallopavian traders in the international market. We’ll need to weaken the Gallopavian brand though... maybe a few fabricated health scares will do the trick.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, executions are marked by quiet dignity and maybe a final round or two of whist.

2020-07-31 15:00

The End Is in Sight?

The high-profile manhunt, capture, trial and conviction of Norman ‘Cannibal’ Bulsara has been occupying news headlines for months, and now the serial slaughterer is finally scheduled to be executed. While most executions tend to have a few people in the viewing gallery, the notoriety of the infamous ingester of infants has demand for ringside seats at an all-time high.

  1. “I guess I wanna see with my own eyes that he’s definitely dead and gone,” explains mum-of-three Ashley Hayes, filling a carton with toffee-flavoured popcorn. “Also, it’d be so cool to tell the other school-mums that we saw the Cannibal die, they’ll be totes jealous. My youngest has a day off nursery especially for this. I mean, I just think you should have a place with a proper viewing area so that more people can watch the big show.”
  2. “A baying crowd would lack a certain decorum,” observes professional executioner Gregory Osborne. “Instead, why not have the execution broadcast live on television? Millions could tune in from their own homes, and you could double the entertainment value by having viewers vote on what novel method of execution should be used. It’d be fun to see Bulsara get dropped in a shark tank, or drowned in custard, or squashed by a giant plastic foot, don’t you think?”
  3. “The death penalty is a regrettable necessity, not an entertainment event,” intones Judicial Review Officer Maria Vasquez, glaring sternly at you over her gold-rimmed spectacles. “The public should be excluded from the process of judicial execution. The convicted soul, an executioner and a single medical witness - there’s no need for anyone else in the room.”
  4. “Wait... we’re not one of those loopy nations that have the death penalty, are we?” panics confused civil servant Shigeru Cooper, checking through the legislation archive files to see what policies you’ve enacted in this hectic year. “That’s some kind of error, right? Tell me that’s an error!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the state has declared war on the environment and environmentalists by association.

2020-07-31 09:00

Some Like It Hot; Others Don’t

A sudden rise in temperatures has sparked a debate over what the government should do to counter global warming, if anything. The environmentalist movement is up-in-arms and has camped outside your residence for three days demanding an end to all toxic emissions.

  1. As the crowd at the environmentalist rally shouts “Ban emissions NOW! Ban emissions NOW!”, a radical who has actually worked in the real world steps to the podium. “Hush now, folks. Do you realize that a total ban would also require the elimination of all 488 million of us? Our mantra SHOULD be ‘Reduce emissions NOW!’ We must demand that our government install emission controls on all producers, including manufacturing plants, mining and agricultural operations, and military and civilian vehicles. We may not be able to eliminate all emissions, but we can surely go after the sources.”
  2. “We don’t need to be too extreme about this, people,” suggests Kirby Thawne, an economist. “To lower emissions, all we need to do is provide an economic incentive not to pollute. By this, I mean put a tax on harmful emissions. This excise tax will serve to encourage the use of cleaner alternative energy sources, while keeping the economy more or less intact and creating a new source of government revenue. Win-wins always sound good to me.”
  3. “Whoa, dude! The government is planning to do WHAT?!?” says famous surfer Rey Chekov, “This temperature spike is, like, totally rad. Why would we want to stop it with uncool stuff that, like, makes it too cold for me to surf and like also does some bad stuff to our economy? Sure, there might be some, like, smog and pollution and stuff, but who cares when we could have bigger waves?”
  4. “You know, I’m really tired of these hippies constantly complaining about the environment,” rants your arch-conservative cousin, Zeus Jackson, “They’re the real problem. I say we round up all the tree-huggers and shoot ‘em all. Then business can go on as usual without the eco-nazis protesting every new oil refinery.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, therapists can always squeeze in another house-call.

2020-07-31 03:00

Hard Times Ahead?

Drew Peacock, your Minister for Party Solidarity, has been looking a bit listless lately. It turns out that his doctor has told him that the National Health Service refuses to fund his needed erectile dysfunction medications.

  1. “This is no laughing matter,” moans Minister Peacock. “These days I can barely raise even a smile when I’m with my girl, and it’s making our relationship difficult. Sexual health is part of overall wellbeing, and I feel that the NHS should be funding the necessary medications, as well as maybe offering sex counselors and libido clinics. I wouldn’t even mind if there was some sort of specialist on hand to show us where we’re going wrong.”
  2. “Look, the NHS is having a hard time as it is,” complains general practitioner Dr. Roger Knott stiffly. “We’re not here to give leisure drugs for old men’s indoor sports. The health service should be focusing on dealing only with diseases and conditions that threaten life and limb. And that doesn’t count as a limb, no matter how proud the good Minister is of it. Okay, here’s the deal: let them have four pills per month each. That’s a reasonable level of healthcare balanced against a cost-effective prescribing.”
  3. “You got to look at the root problem here, and I’m not talking about the Minister’s little thing here,” observes visiting United Federation ambassador Ima Meanie. “I’m talking about your socialist medicine. Allow the free market to penetrate the stiff front erected by the communist healthcare entities! It’ll be hard on our wallets, but we won’t beat it by being soft! By removing medicine from the hands of the government elite, competition will drive down the prices of treatment and drugs, and as a nation I reckon you’ll spend a smaller percentage of the national GDP on medical care. That’s exactly what things are like in the good ole United Federation, right?”
  4. “Maybe you don’t need to be in such a hurry to see this as a problem,” interjects the minister’s wife Ivana Newlove, who has always kept her maiden name. “If the little fella doesn’t feel like getting up in the morning, then let him sleep! Drew is almost fifty, for goodness sake; it’s only natural that his love life is over. Respect mother nature, and also this tired mother-of-three, and instead ban these treatments.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Small Council has more than a little influence.

2020-07-30 21:00

Winning the Genetic Lottery

A combination of careful merging of bloodlines, a small number of “accidental falls down spiral staircases” and sheer luck has left many of your vassals with a single shared heir, who is now poised to become the most powerful landowner in Random Chaos.

  1. “I don’t see the need for discontent,” says Duke Rich R. Daffird, the heir in question, hunching petulantly. “Providence and the rightful law of the land have put me in line to inherit. If a man were to inherit a horse... yes, a horse... you would not take it away, would you? Well, my fiefdom is as a horse. And is my pedigree not noble enough? My mother came from House Gambler and my grandmother was a princess of Barria, after all. Instead, let us be friends, and let a glorious summer of alliance between near-equals begin.”
  2. “I don’t care if this person’s the King of Nova Syrupa!” screeches your brother, after Daffird leaves. “No one outside the family should have that much power in Random Chaos! We must divert these inheritances away from this meddlesome Duke! Forge charters! Hire assassins to murder him in his sleep! Do whatever must be done!”
  3. “There is a third option here,” suggests courtier and serial womaniser Bors S. Jonson. “Ask yourself: why do so many of your vassals have a single heir? Because of the way inheritance laws work. Instead, assert that all progeny inherit equally, regardless of relative age and the circumstances of their conception, and the whole problem will soon be divided and conquered.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is often said that only Leader could bring down Dàguó.

2020-07-30 15:00

Big Trouble in Little Dàguó

The large, militaristic nation of Dàguó is currently in a dispute with the breakaway province of New Dàguó. As nations around the world begin to take sides, opposing ambassadors have arrived in your office to seek your support.

  1. “This ‘New Dàguó’ is nothing but a treasonous cartel of hoodlums and degenerates,” scowls Sierra Uhura, the ambassador from the Empire of Dàguó. “We are one of your most important trading partners, especially for your Tourism industry. We demand affirmation as the one true and legitimate government of Dàguó. Don’t believe the lies those criminals tell you - our Holy Emperor, long may he live, provides true prosperity and success to all of his citizens. Besides, we might just have to take military action against those who support the so-called New Dàguó - and you want to be on the correct side in this coming war, don’t you?”
  2. “We deserve recognition!” asserts Ariel Clinton, the self-proclaimed ambassador from New Dàguó. “We are a democratic nation that holds free elections in our territory. Dàguó’s tyrannical regime was oppressing us, so we declared a revolution! Sure, they outnumber us ten to one, but if you send us weapons and support, we’ll become fully independent in no time! We’ll even pay you back after we figure out how to import enough food without Dàguó’s price controls.”
  3. Your Minister of Foreign Affairs, Elmo Juran, comes up to you and whispers in your ear. “Look, Leader, we can’t afford to lose our trade with Dàguó - our Tourism industry would collapse! But we also shouldn’t turn a blind eye to Dàguó’s flagrant human rights abuses. How about we send a vaguely-worded statement saying that we support a peaceful solution to the conflict, and then just say that we supported the winning side all along? It’s a no-risk solution.”
  4. Later, your seldom-seen Minister of Whispers appears behind you in what you thought was a deserted corridor. “We have an exceptional opportunity here, Your Excellency. It would be easy to discreetly sell weapons to both sides while remaining officially neutral. Our enemies in Dàguó will become increasingly unstable, while we profit from the situation. Some may call these actions unethical - but Random Chaos didn’t start this conflict. We’re just acting in the best interests of the realm, of course.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation has welcomed its expats back with open arms.

2020-07-30 09:00

Expats Plea for Help in War-Torn Country

Thousands of migrant citizens and expatriated citizens of Random Chaos have asked the government to take them home from Marche Noire, a faraway country on the brink of a terrible and violent civil war.

  1. “We must co-ordinate with the government of Marche Noire in order to secure our absentee workers—ahem—citizens who are in their country,” says Aaron Phillips, your Minister of Foreign Affairs. “We must also create an emergency fund to assist our expats and help bring them back to Random Chaos. No matter where any of our people are, they’re still ours and our responsibility.”
  2. “That’s rubbish,” objects Darya Weasley, your Minister of Finance. “Why waste hundreds of thousands of chips in bringing those expatriated citizens back to Random Chaos? They chose to leave our great country; they are no longer our concern! They could have stayed here and been an asset to our workforce! Helped us grow strong! No, they’ve had their chance. You reap what you sow. We should cut any financial assistance we give to those traitors.”
  3. “That’s a good point,” says Ivan de Groot, your Minister of Civics. “Our people are the generators of the economy. The expats should be allowed to come back but only if they stay. If we keep letting our citizens emigrate, then we’re losing our doctors, our teachers, our skilled and unskilled workforce to damn foreigners! Close the borders to those wanting to leave our nation. If they can’t see how wonderful Random Chaos is, then we’ll make them!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Mining Sector and Most Corrupt Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, loss of the ability to speak is a common affliction of the elderly.

2020-07-30 03:00

Old News

Decades ago, Gary Hammarskjöld was one of the most powerful government ministers in the country. Now the old man has taken to publicly ranting against your regime, criticising everything from your economic policies to how it is your fault that neighborhood children are running on his lawn.

  1. “Well, it was nice of him to weigh in,” shrugs cool young thing Wil North, toying with the latest fashionable gadget. “We got to see how these geriatrics think. Clearly he’s completely disconnected from all reality, and still fighting rivalries against politicians who’ve been dead for a decade or more! I say you go on national television and challenge him to a debate. I hear he’s in the early stages of dementia, so it’ll be pretty easy for you to make him look a fool, while making it clear that you’re not afraid to hear criticism.”
  2. “I think it would be a mistake to entirely dismiss the sage advice of the elderly,” cautions your octogenarian aunt, taking a break from criticising your ‘too modern’ hairstyle. “Your elders have many years of experience informing their decisions, and much of what they say is still very relevant. You ought to set up some kind of advisory board composed of former ministers and leaders like this gentleman, to guide you when you’re in a pickle.”
  3. “Oh please, this should be easy,” smiles Bruno Turnbull, a party strategist. “He had something like half a century or so working in politics? There must be at least one action or statement somewhere in his record that will have aged poorly. Give the green light, and we’ll dig up some dirt to bury his reputation.”
  4. “That wasn’t just the cranky rant of a senile old man; it was a leadership challenge!” announces your Director of Ideological Purity. “Hammarskjöld was offering an alternative vision, with himself in charge! Let my department handle him, and I promise you’ll never hear from him again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, convicted conmen and fraudsters often leave prison to enter a career in politics.

2020-07-29 21:00

Lesson Learnt

Statisticians have noted that the prisons of Random Chaos are filled disproportionately by the uneducated poor. Many are now debating the advantages of offering education to inmates during their sentences.

  1. “It’s astonishing that we didn’t think of this before,” admits Junior Education Minister Nick Farnsworth. “If we provide employment-oriented and life-skill education opportunities, we can turn these crooks into productive citizens! Getting jobs will get them out of a life of crime, and keep them out of prison.”
  2. “That’s absolutely ridiculous!” yells retired prison guard Taylor Mansbridge. “Criminals are in prison to serve time! What sort of punishment or deterrent is a free evening class? If we educate them and then let them back out into the world, we’ve just created smarter criminals! Make prisons tougher, not cushier... You want to teach these scum a lesson? I got a cat o’ nine tails right here...”
  3. “Look, lack of formal education doesn’t mean criminals are ignorant, just that they have specialised skills,” observes primary schoolteacher Buffy Skywalker, handing out ‘You’re Special Too!’ stickers to everyone in the room. “Rather than starting from scratch, why not recognise what skills they have and try to find them suitable work? Murderer? Put that killer instinct to use in the army. Arsonist? Get that knowledge of fire into supervising controlled forest fires. Burglar? Re-purpose those skills in climbing and fine motor control into telephone line repair. It’s all about valuing people for who they actually are.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, education and welfare spending are on the rise.

2020-07-29 15:00

More Police Needed

As crime rates rise, some in the community are calling for increased policing.

  1. “Just the other day, I got mugged in the broad daylight!” says ruffian Harry Phillips. “And the ironic thing is I had just stuck up this other guy. When muggers are getting mugged, even I have to admit that crime has gotten out of control. We do need more police.”
  2. “The solution to crime is not more police!” says noted sociologist and occasional crime novelist Mary Weatherhead. “Studies repeatedly show that crime is caused by poverty and poor education. Increase government spending in these areas, and crime will fall! Maybe not overnight, but it will happen.”
  3. “Yeah, good luck with that,” says conservative leader and gun enthusiast Steffan de Jong. “Look, we do need more police, that’s clear. But that’s not enough. We need real punishments: sentences that will act as a genuine deterrent to people considering a life of crime. Like public floggings.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, smog in Random Chaos City is so bad that fresh air bottles are sold by street vendors.

2020-07-29 09:00

Watts Up With Rooftop Solar

As residential rooftop solar is increasing in popularity, Random Chaos Gas and Electric (RCG&E) has begun to offer resistance to the current billing structure, complaining that households’ electric bills are so low they can no longer afford to maintain the grid. With rhetoric on all sides becoming increasingly high voltage, RCG&E is asking you to approve a change in their fee structure.

  1. CEO Joule Ohm of RCG&E sweeps the papers off your desk, slams down his proposed fee structure, and then begins to speak, “If we are to maintain the grid while keeping power affordable for the poor, there has to be a change to the system. We need a flat grid fee charged monthly to all households regardless of energy use. With a grid fee, we can reduce the per kilowatt usage fee, so most users will hardly notice the difference.”
  2. “I couldn’t think of a better plan to kill my business!” yells Khethelo Howell, the amped-up CEO of Sol Invictus, Random Chaos’s biggest rooftop solar installation company. “If the power company charges you a huge fee no matter how much power you use, who will want solar panels? I have a bright solution. If RCG&E needs more money, let them raise the per kilowatt usage fees for everyone. But we need electricity meters in every household to track energy usage and whether homes with solar panels are producing surplus power to sell back to the grid. Let’s let the market determine the price of power!”
  3. “I could think of a better way to kill solar,” wheezes Rebecca Perry, the octogenarian CEO of Relaxed Diamond Coal Company. “Ban it! Rooftop solar panels are eyesores, and they’re driving out Random Chaos’s mom and pop coal companies. No more, I say! We’re blessed with plentiful coal deposits; let’s use them to make cheap, local power. As for those global warming alarmists, why, the weatherman can’t even predict tomorrow’s weather, never mind the weather 50 years from now.”
  4. “This problem needs a solution grasped from the future, not grounded in the industrial revolution!” declares celebrity green-energy venture capitalist Melon Husk. “My company is beginning to develop initial prototypes for large-capacity home-use batteries. However, to make this viable in the near future, we just need a smidgen of government subsidies for research and production. I think the batteries we’ll develop will be affordable and, combined with solar panels, they’ll almost certainly be able to provide households with their energy demands. I’m pretty sure we can make power lines a thing of the past!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Advanced Law Enforcement.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, invasive species are hunted by the gendarmerie.

2020-07-29 03:00

Alien Invaders

A spectre is haunting Random Chaos — the spectre of the Woodeating Spikeball. With scenic parks ravaged by this invasive species, citizens are clamoring at your door to advise you.

  1. “The ecosystem is in great peril,” claims Tim Cho, an importer of exotic pets. “These Woodeating Spikeballs have no natural predators here. But there is a solution: back in their native Maxtopia, these pests are kept in check by the sabre-toothed gambler. We have to introduce these animals into our forests before it’s too late. And you know, since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll cut you a deal on the gamblers.”
  2. “You can’t stop one invasive species by introducing another,” scoffs avid hunter Zelda Jefferson while skinning several rabbits on your desk. “Just give out hunting permits for these Spikeballs, and we’ll have the population under control in no time. You know what, might as well extend hunting and fishing seasons for other animals too. I’ve been itching to bag myself a Giant Lilliputian Rabbit.”
  3. “We shouldn’t be left at the mercy of our citizens,” counsels gendarme Ben Pushkin while barely suppressing his hatred for animals. “If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. Let’s send out our boys in blue to go hunt down these vermin.” Frothing rabidly, he finishes, “That way we can be sure every last one of those mangy, stinking, filth-ridden pests is dead!”
  4. “So what if these Spikeballs are eating all the trees?” says thoroughly apathetic citizen Ingmar Winters. “Nature got along fine for millions of years before we came into the picture. Just let survival of the fittest run its course. Sure, we might lose a few species or ecosystems along the way, but at least we’ll save some money. Forests are really boring, anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, in the Beginning was the Word and the Word was "Pragmatism".

2020-07-28 21:00

Hostile Hospitality

Two missionaries have been arrested in the avowedly atheist hermit nation of West Fedoriah while supposedly on a sightseeing tour of the country. They stand accused of undermining the nation by proselytising on behalf of a major religion.

  1. “This is a clear and concerted effort to foment dissent against our glorious Republic,” phones in the West Fedorian ambassador from his embassy, a repurposed bungalow on the outskirts of Random Chaos City. “Our legal system is very clear on the penalties for such a heinous crime: twenty years hard labour in one of our reeducation camps. I imagine our President might be tempted to show some clemency in this case, were you to make an entirely voluntary donation to his chosen charity, the World Atheism Independently Funded Union.”
  2. “It’s never been our policy to support this kind of reckless endeavor,” sighs religious leader Jane Dovey. “Well, not for the last couple of hundred years at any rate. Look, while I appreciate the contributions these two have made to our faith, it seems clear to me this is a diplomatic matter, not a religious one. Why don’t we leave them to their fate, and stop all future travel to West Fedoriah to dissuade any other wannabe proselytists?”
  3. “These two holy missionaries are martyrs of the faith!” declares your Minister of Holy Wars. “Or at least they will be, after we carpet bomb the city where their prison is. We must show these West Fedorians that they can’t mess with a major religion! You must agree: a crusade to convert them from atheism to the one true faith is the only way forward.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hiding wrinkles with make-up is illegal.

2020-07-28 15:00

A New Age

57-year-old Dixie Hawke has petitioned the government to legally allow her to change her age to 40.

  1. “My body is a temple,” states Hawke, frowning over her current life insurance policy. “I have taken excellent care of my health all my life, and although I am considered 57 by the establishment’s calendar, I feel — and look — no more than 40. Being 57 is the bane of my life; I can’t get a new job as employers think I only have a couple of years left in me, and I never get any replies from my dating profile! People can change their identity in many ways. Why not their age as well?”
  2. “Is she for real?” questions Jack Organa, your 45-year-old adviser, who feels and looks 45 years old. “This woman is just an attention-seeker. No one can deny the passage of time, no matter how many vitamin smoothies they drink. While we’re on this subject, you should be spending more government money on a database to record every detail of people’s identities, and make it a matter of serious fraud to mislead anyone as to your true age.”
  3. Suddenly, your door bursts open and in runs your six-year-old nephew. “Grrrr, I want to be a dinosaur! Mum says that you can legally make me a dinosaur, and my sister wants to be a unicorn. Please, please, please, please, please!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, seasonal hay-fever sufferers are attending government drug counselling sessions to get free doughnuts.

2020-07-28 09:00

One in the Arm for Leader?

This morning, you were informed that the Random Chaosian Broadcasting Company is set to air a documentary on the legalization of needle exchanges in Skandilund. These provide sterile needles and allow safe injection sites for addicts to use recreational drugs without fear of arrest. Going by the small crowd gathered outside your office, it appears you weren’t the only one to hear about the documentary.

  1. “My gorgeous little Iris would have been saved if she’d been allowed to inject safely in a public place!” wails Alejandro, who lost his daughter to an intravenous heroin overdose last month. “She is not alone - thousands of people die preventable deaths every year as a result of this unfair policy. Not only should we legalize these safe sites, but also provide state counseling and rehabilitation for anybody that looks like she or he may be a drug addict. Why have one death when you can have none?”
  2. “I’ll just go out on an ominously scarred limb and say that this is a load of nonsense,” dryly notes retired sheriff Earl Schultz, in between discrete sips from a hip flask. “Intervention this, inter-venal that, yet nobody seems to realize that keeping their mitts off drugs is the best way forward for us! Bringing this in would be as good as giving people the go ahead to break the law. We don’t want to encourage junkie scum who go around stealing everything that is not nailed down. We’ll just punish them like the other criminals.”
  3. “We can’t allow any drugs on our streets!” yells Kendra Bakker, knocking Earl’s hip flask out of his hands. “It doesn’t matter if it’s cirrhosis of the liver or my old school friend dying of VODAIS after sharing needles with some whacko she’s never met before! The only sane thing to do here is obviously to place a ban on all drugs, including alcohol and tobacco. No need to treat addicts if nobody can obtain addictive substances!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the state auctions off combat drones to fund war reparations.

2020-07-28 03:00

Droning On and On

A Random Chaosian drone strike in the hinterlands of Tasmania has successfully killed an infamous terrorist, Mad Max, notorious for assassinating your predecessor. However, collateral damage butchered dozens of innocent bystanders, outraging the international community.

  1. “These pinkos just love to make the worst out of positive situations,” moans Lieutenant Miles Ungar, who oversaw the drone strike from the comforts of Random Chaos City. “Sure, some civilians were injured, but we managed to kill that psychopathic criminal. Had he survived, who knows how many more innocents he would have killed? Drone strikes are not only far more efficient than land invasions, but they also save the lives of Random Chaosian pilots. If anything, the military deserves a much bigger budget to research new innovations like semi-autonomous stealthbots.”
  2. “Does anyone care what we have to say?” asks the Tasmanian ambassador, Stanislawa Cockburn, rallying in front of assorted pacifists. “You have no business intervening in our lands; let Tasmania control what happens in her borders! Imagine how you would like it if we started drone striking your streets. It’s time for Random Chaos to back off and let nations settle their own problems. If Random Chaos wants to help, reparations for the grieving families would be a lot more appreciated than more robot assassins patrolling the skies.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's a mortuary next to every Random Chaosian restaurant.

2020-07-27 21:00

Dead Tasty

Every year, several deaths are reported in the country due to the eating of the highly poisonous, yet savoured, pufferfish.

  1. “It’s straight up suicide!” proclaims Chloe Gutenberg, while puffing her cheeks out in exasperation. “This deadly dish claimed the life of one of my close friends, and kills diners every month! This culinary death-trap must be banned!”
  2. “Eating this fish has been our tradition, passed down by our... grandfathers maybe...” says renowned chef Harambe Kuraoka, as he puts a pufferfish on your desk to demonstrate how easily prepared it is. “It all depends on how skilled you are. See: poison... poison... poison... tasty fish! All you need to do is to make sure all chefs go on training courses and are licensed to serve this sensory experience.”
  3. “What’s all this commotion about? A few deaths caused by a petty fish?” questions restaurateur Nobuyoshi Thompson, who has just returned from a culinary trip to Dàguó. “There are so many scrumptious dishes out there, but most Random Chaosians are just too jittery to give them a go. There’s live octopus, blood clams and ackee: let’s put Random Chaosian restaurants on everyone’s ‘must experience before you die’ list!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens who don't attend the nation's massive military parades tend to disappear overnight.

2020-07-27 15:00

Patriot or Patri-Not?

A recent poll of the population has revealed that patriotism is at an all-time low. The nation’s few remaining patriots have crowded in your office, as they desperately try to boost Random Chaos’s public pride.

  1. “I’m shocked and appalled!” gasps Random Chaos City town crier Lana Octavian, decked out in an obnoxious outfit with the same color scheme as the national flag. “People should be proud to call themselves a citizen of Random Chaos, and we ought to start their proper political education when they’re young. History and civics classes need to be mandatory, so long as those lefty liberal loons aren’t providing the material. Kids must be forced to recite the national anthem and the Pledge of Random Chaos in schools. That’ll show those filthy commies in East Lebatuck! Long live the Free Land!”
  2. “Frankly, that doesn’t go far enough!” argues your military aide-de-camp General Stephanie van Dyke while flexing her muscles. “The government must instill pride in Random Chaos at every opportunity. The national anthem should be played over public loudspeakers. Flags and propaganda posters need to be on every street corner. We can even place subliminal messages in movies, music, and art. Oh, and we can have big military parades in major cities. Nothing says ‘Roll the dice!’ like the display of raw military might!”
  3. “Maybe if the people saw the government doing something good for a change, they would feel differently,” suggests John Columbus, who was the only person to show up for a scheduled tour group. “All I see on the news are issues about government scandals, partisan blowhards insulting each other, or some military official threatening war with Maxtopia. No wonder our citizens think this country is a disgrace. The government could tone down the craziness and say oh, I don’t know, help out the victims of that earthquake in Blackacre or enact some policies to help end homelessness. Who knows, maybe people will be proud to call themselves Random Chaosians once again?”
  4. “Or, you know, we can do none of that,” yawns an apathetic citizen wearing a Bigtopian football jersey, who only came to the meeting because of your offer of free pizza. “I mean, not everyone wants to support the country or whatever. People shouldn’t be forced into loving the country through government action. Sure, then maybe you won’t have people caring as much, but... hey! The Real Housewives of Random Chaos City is coming on. Is there a television somewhere in here?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, takeaway food bought on the weekend now comes with fifty percent more sweat and tears.

2020-07-27 09:00

Double Down on Double Time?

Turning up one bright Monday morning, you are met with a mob of angry janitors, delivery drivers, security guards and cleaners on strike after legislation for increased weekend pay was defeated for the sixteenth time. Given that all available office space is full of uncollected rubbish and smells faintly of Friday’s lunch, a meeting on the issue has been held at a busy local cafe.

  1. “What do you think they’re striking for?” asks a department office intern and student Bruce O'Brien, still half asleep from working weekends at a greengrocers. “Fair wages for antisocial hours, that’s what! Do you know how many of us have to sacrifice our free time, our social lives and even our health for the same rate as someone doing a nine-to-five? Big business can afford to pay a bit more, so make them give us night shift and weekend workers extra pay!”
  2. “Having to fork out extra for weekend workers would sink us,” butts in nosy cafe owner Chip Urquhart, slinging a sweat-soaked dishcloth at his girlfriend so she can take over. “Me and the old gal have to scrimp and save to pay for staff as it is! Tell you what, you lot cut back a bit on all those wage laws for us small businesses and I might even be able to take the old nag out somewhere nice.”
  3. “We never used to rush about like this when I was a young’un,” interjects old-timer Manuel Colbert, holding up a queue just to talk to you. “Nowadays no-one seems to have enough time for a cuppa and a chat. Why don’t we go back to the good old days when you only had to work on weekdays, and everything closed at five? That’ll give us all plenty of time to get to know each other properly, like back when I was a nipper.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Insurance Industry and the Top 10% for Most Advanced Defense Forces and Most Subsidized Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, only vaccinated citizens may have free healthcare.

2020-07-27 03:00

Random Chaosian Officials Needled About Mandatory Vaccinations

Health workers are frequently being ignored by people when recommending vaccinations against common illnesses. When these people subsequently become ill they require expensive emergency care. To correct this situation, many health experts are lobbying for mandatory vaccinations.

  1. Weena Pong, a pro-vaccination taxpayer, says “If a doctor thinks a vaccination is good for you then you should have it. All these people turning them down are know-it-alls that are wasting my tax money. Or they’re really afraid of needles.”
  2. Cindy Whedon, who recently refused a vaccination, says that vaccines must remain completely optional: “Anything else is a breach of human rights. Doctors are not always right!” she says. “I’m perfectly capable of deciding what is best for my body!”
  3. Hermes Dlamini, Random Chaos’s leading expert on health spending, suggests a third way. “Leave vaccines optional but make free health care conditional on having them. That way people get to choose, and it will help ease the load on our national healthcare budget.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a new generation of aquariumless hotels are being built under government supervision.

2020-07-26 22:00

“Tourism Tanking!” Trumpet Tabloids

Following a public safety disaster of unimaginable magnitude - so extreme that members of your government only mention it in hushed voices, and then only in the vaguest of terms - the Random Chaosian tourist industry has hit the rocks. Commentators from all walks of life have come to your office to offer their opinions.

  1. “The government has to step in and do something, for once!” demands tour operator Vera Hyde, visibly pulling her hair out. “If we’d had proper railings on the marina, that shark would never have gotten into the oil refinery in the first place! The government has to put better regulations in place to make sure disasters of this kind never happen again. And if we want to coax back the tourists we’ve lost, we need a whole bunch of new state-subsidised hotels, parks and tourist attractions. Shark-proof ones. Our economy will never survive without it!”
  2. “Why waste more money?” grumbles middle-aged industrialist Bill Pond, chomping on a fat cigar. “Look. I’m as sorry as the next schmuck for those poor farmers’ ant epidemic. But we’ve got to realise that tourism is just not our strong suit; and that’s not going to change, no matter how much the state spends. Hell, if the government really wanted to do something to fix our economy, it’d be to give everyone a healthy tax-cut and get rid of some of that environmental legislation - set up for the benefit of a bunch of tree-hugging foreigners, I might add.”
  3. “I think I’ve got another solution to this problem,” says your shadiest government advisor, waving a magazine spread of bathing beauties sunning themselves at the Random Chaos City Grand Regent. “Now we’re not goin’ to be able to hide the fact that Random Chaos City is now covered in pink frosting, but... what if the inspectors an’ tour guides an’ all those types of folks just didn’t notice all that mess? After all, we don’t have the money to clear it all up, but I think we do have just about enough to dangle a few chips in front of anyone who wants to give our nation a good review. After all, a few firm golden handshakes never hurt no-one.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, demand for gourmet white truffles is on the rise.

2020-07-26 15:00

A Meal to Die For

The execution of convicted double-murderer Xanatos Blair was carried out yesterday. The killer had no final statement, but in a spiteful act of defiance, ate mere morsels of his last meal - a six-course feast, which he had specifically requested just days prior. Concerned with the fact that over 8,000 calories were provided to a dead-man-walking, and most of it ended up in the trash, many are calling for the condemned-row tradition of the “last meal” to be put to death.

  1. “We need to remember the victims!” exclaims Chris Haggard, director of one of the largest victims’ rights organizations in Random Chaos. “Did that killer ever give his victims a chance to eat a last meal? Absolutely not. Should Random Chaos allow the worst-of-the-worst to select comfort foods before their dates with death? Absolutely not. They deserve as much kindness and mercy as they gave to their victims - absolutely none! Do away with this so-called tradition! Let them eat whatever the prison is serving the general population on the given day of their execution.”
  2. “People on death row are still people,” explains death row exoneree Isabelle Nixon. “I know from first-hand experience that the condemned might not be the best people around, but they still should be afforded the dignity of a proper last meal. Why deny them one final comfort before they meet their end?”
  3. “So let me get this straight: this bleeding-heart liberal thinks we should literally cater to convicted murderers?” questions notorious former prison warden Miles Trudeau. “These ‘people’, if they can still be referred to as such, deserve nothing but to quietly bide their time until they are put to death. In fact, forget last meals, these scum don’t deserve the meals they already receive! After all, we shouldn’t waste any food on death row trash, and if anyone deserves to be taught a lesson, it’s them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, parachutes are considered optional with the newest line of jet fighters.

2020-07-26 09:30

What Goes Up Breaks Down

A series of unfortunate accidents involving the nation’s ageing fleet of jet fighters have revealed glaring technical deficiencies in these venerable machines.

  1. “Our company can offer you a cheap solution,” states Sue-Ann Barnes, the commissar of the JK Sukky Company of East Lebatuck, offering you a broken pen. “Our planes might not be cutting edge, but then, technology is no replacement for skill. Just sign here and my company will begin delivery at once.”
  2. “We must build our own planes!” screams Air Force Marshall Beverly Gonzalez. “The FK-2 Gambler is a symbol of Random Chaosian superiority and cannot be replaced by any foreign import. Yes, the fighters have to be modernised, but only with contracts given to local industries.”
  3. “Do I have the solution for you!” announces Frank Fortitude, an art student and aspiring actor. “Why go to all the effort of buying and maintaining a fleet of aircraft that is unlikely to be used anyway? Just PRETEND to have one! Give me some plywood and a few buckets of paint, and I will make you a ‘fleet’ no one would dare to provoke… as long as they don’t look too closely!”
  4. “Why bother at all?” asks Liara Taffs, your Minister for Austerity, tightening her already constricted belt. “Our military spending is already bloated beyond belief and it will be the poor taxpayer who has to foot the bill for these planes. We’d be better off without them.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Primitive, the Top 5% for Most Extensive Public Healthcare, and the Top 10% for Largest Insurance Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a citizen who thinks a slave is a deadbeat is entitled to make the descriptor literally true.

2020-07-26 03:00

The Properties of Property

A city patrician walking down a narrow street found his path blocked by a slave, who was carrying a large antique vase for her master and refused to give way. The patrician struck the slave with his cane, which, thanks to the silver gambler head adorning its tip, killed the slave and caused the vase to smash on the ground. While the patrician has offered to pay for both destroyed properties, there are questions being raised over what constitutes proper behaviour by and towards slaves.

  1. “That girl was precious to me!” rages the slave’s master, shaking his soft-skinned fists in anger. “She’s been in my family since Daddy got her in lieu of an old business debt. Why, the idea of some callous son of a gun raising his hand to her simply makes my blood boil burgundy! Nobody’s got the right to beat a girl except her rightful owner! This should be treated as a case of murder, or at the very least, manslaughter.”
  2. “With respect to my fellow citizen and slave owner, this is ridiculous,” complains the rotund patrician, taking a seat on the back of a wincing arthritic slave on all fours. “A slave is not a human. Rather, it is mere property, so what I did can’t be murder. To be a slave is to be of a lower order of existence, owned by a master, but also in fetters to the state and to society as a whole. A slave should be compelled to obey and defer to every citizen in addition to its master, who still has ultimate authority over the slave, of course. Have the law codify the lowly status of the helot, and we can all proceed in a more civilised manner.” He breaks wind noisily, to the discomfort of his human stool.
  3. “I’m not going to suggest we abolish slavery,” starts known abolitionist Hercules al-Zahawi, “but maybe we could put in some sort of bill of rights recognising universal humanity and the protection of the law? Something like making sure that no slave can be forced to work against their will, and that financial compensation should be offered for all work, and that no man or woman may be the property of another. Not abolishing slavery, nothing so radical. Just giving slaves some basic freedoms, like the right to self-determination. That sounds reasonable, right? No-one could call that abolition!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, millions of simultaneously backfiring toilets have flooded Random Chaos City with effluent.

2020-07-25 22:00

Looking Down in the Dumps

A squad of elite police officers have come back up from the Random Chaos City sewers with both a captured crime lord and news of an enormous ‘fat berg’, a huge mass of items put down Random Chaosian drains held together by cooking oils, blocking up substantial parts of the city’s sanitation. Whoever scheduled you to go down there to inspect it is definitely going to be fired.

  1. “This place is disgusting,” moans Minister of Underground Infrastructure Dave Montgomery, covering his nose delicately with a handkerchief. “I’m not just talking about the smell either! This ancient brick-and-stone construction was clearly meant for a city at most half the size of Random Chaos City today! No wonder this fat berg became a problem. We must overhaul this city’s sewers and pipes at once to accommodate the growing population.”
  2. As you march on, you reach the viscerally-revolting object of interest. Between retches and gags, one of your aides offers a proposal: “Bleugh... I hope that thing is... mmmmmff... gone as soon as possible! Why haven’t these workers cleared it yet? We just need to make that monstrosi... guuuh... Make it go away! guuuuurghuuurrrgg... I don’t know! Burn it, explode it, I don’t care! Can we please just go?”
  3. One of the shovelling sanitation workers stops, rolls up his sleeve and plunges a hand elbow-deep into the mass, pulling out a small glittering item. “Oh cool, a diamond ring! Hey, let’s not be too hasty here. There are a lot of potentially valuable things in here like toys, cadavers, recyclable materials and fertiliser all begging to be recovered. The leftover fat we could sell as biofuel. With a little government help sewer-mining could be the next big cottage industry.”
  4. “And why, in all of the living world, are there all of those things down here?” fumes Jyn Svensson, your staff’s resident moralist. “Clearly this city must be full of idiots. Mandate strict rules about what can and cannot be put down the drain, with regular inspections of household pipes for any signs of offending items like cooking oils, fats, wet wipes, condoms or anything else that isn’t... well, you know.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government reports are now used to teach toddlers to read.

2020-07-25 15:00

Syntax Destruction

Your Minister for the Treasury, Allen Redbridge, has come under fire as market analysts and journalists complain that his predictions about the future of Random Chaos’s economy are vague to the point of uselessness. His detractors are dubbing his avoidance of clear statements ‘Syntax Destruction’: the presentation of extremely long and obfuscated reports that have little real content.

  1. “I shouldn’t have to spend hours poring over reams of government documents for just one story!” complains Marlon Springsteen, reporter for the Random Chaosian Enquirer, slamming a large stack of papers onto your desk. “Look at this! One thousand nine hundred eighty-four pages! What Minister Redbridge is doing is dishonest and despicable. You need to force him and those like him to use plain language and get to the point, so that the common people of Random Chaos will be able to decipher what’s going on in the government.”
  2. “It has been demonstrated,” Minister Allen Redbridge replies during an interview, “that markets affect an unexpected multitude of industries at even the slightest suspicion of an impending perturbation. Thus, it behooves those knowledgeable in its idiosyncrasies to uphold their responsibilities in defending such precipitous gateways to knowledge, and acting in such a manner of least reaction, to satisfy their due diligence to avoid creating a condition which could potentially upset the precarious balance between bears and bulls, be they platitudes, or omissions. Indeed, one who acts in contravention to the aforementioned manner also acts against their own best interests, and thereby undermines status as well as dispels their cloak of competence. Such a transgressor shall be dismissed by the knowledgeable majority, of course, thus not necessitating any external provocation.”
  3. “Spoken or written words, delivered on matters of policy by person or persons within the government, hereafter referred to as a government commentary, constitute a legal statement,” explains prominent lawyer Sigourney Bronte. “It is my professional opinion that a government commentary should use only legal terminology to ensure clarity of meaning.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many whiskies taste suspiciously like automobile radiators.

2020-07-25 09:00

A Whiskey Rebellion Brewing

After several dozen citizens were hospitalized due to drinking from a contaminated batch of moonshine, the people have been at loggerheads over who should have the right to manufacture and distribute spirituous beverages in Random Chaos.

  1. “Let’s be realistic here,” says Anakin Garrison, President of the Manufacturing Alliance of Liquor Traders. “These home operations simply do not have the training, the experience, the equipment, or the political connections to be permitted to make their own whiskey! It’s all well and good that they talk about freedom, but the members of my association paid good money for their manufacturing licenses, and we maintain the highest standards of quality and purity. The government needs to protect us! People must not be allowed to make their own booze at home.”
  2. “This isn’t just some kind of bathtub gin we’re talking about,” says devoted distiller Emma Mealor, while reviewing the print roll from her storage cellar’s hygrothermograph. “These are artisanal, maker-made, environmentally responsible, non-GMO, craft products that are far better than anything put out by those big-name distilleries! You can taste the difference! If some unscrupulous individual lets heavy metals leech in, or adds something unsafe, that’s not the fault of we connoisseurs! The government needs to back off, and give us all the liberty to make what we want in the privacy of our own homes!”
  3. “The bracing effect of a strong drink is absolutely top-notch for getting through the day!” opines Ebrius Foppington, a bearded gentleman wearing a top hat and monocle. “Why, I myself have several such drinks each morning, noon, and night! It helps keep the humors in balance, and makes socializing quite rather more tolerable. Really, we ought to require that everybody over the age of ten make their own suds, and partake regularly to ensure they don’t become phlegmatic. Bottoms up!”
  4. “Home distilling and compulsory drinking?” shrieks Citizens Against Drinking activist Josh Steele, clutching his heart dramatically. “What kind of horrifying nightmare world are you trying to create? Did you know that, according to the Department of Made-Up Statistics, 47.2% of all crime is related to alcohol? Are you trying to increase that number? What Random Chaos needs is to remove alcohol not just from our homes, but from the whole nation! Enact prohibition - there can be no exceptions!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is slowly introducing social welfare programs.

2020-07-25 03:00

Social Inequality Reaching Embarrassing Levels

Commentators have warned that Random Chaos’s social inequalities threaten to make it an international pariah.

  1. “Look, I don’t like it either,” says Chamber of Commerce spokesperson Birgitta Chatwin. “Just on the way here, I had to step over three homeless people, and one of my shoes got caught on a beggar. But inequality is the price we pay for economic strength. If anything, we need fewer taxes, so those of us who are well-off can afford to be more generous. If we want to, that is.”
  2. “I think we’ve forgotten what economic strength is all about,” says social worker Gary Iglesias. “The economy is meant to be a means to a high standard of living, not an end in itself. It’s become an excuse for the rich to prosper while the poor fall through the cracks. Not everyone is poor because they don’t feel like working. We must provide more welfare.”
  3. “Who says we’re an international pariah?” demands military honcho Lucy Pond. “What are their names? If that’s the way the international community feels, we obviously need to prepare for war.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has cut its subsidies for all special interest groups.

2020-07-24 21:00

“Give Us Money!” Quoth the Poet

The National Poetry Society of Random Chaos is demanding government-funded programs to promote the arts, especially poetry.

  1. “We need government help to promote culture,” says Sean Humperdink, chairperson of the National Poetry Society of Random Chaos. “Poetry is the soul of our nation, the very pulse of humanity! We will ultimately be judged according to our contribution to artistic enlightenment. In other words, please provide funding for our humble mission to bring the beauty of poetry to the masses!”
  2. “Artists and poets should support themselves, like everyone else,” replies Alfred Plath, spokesperson for the Capitalism Now Party. “The suffering taxpayers should be given a break. In fact, we should abolish all government subsidies for special interest groups.”
  3. “Poets—who needs them?!” scoffs Ellie Weber, Chairperson Emeritus of the Troglodyte Coalition. “These long-haired troublemakers should all be lined up against the wall and shot! That would be far more entertaining than reading some dumb poems!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is illegal for police officers to carry out searches due to strict privacy laws.

2020-07-24 15:00

Bug ‘Em All, Say Police

The Random Chaos police force have come to you for permission to use phone taps to trace suspected criminals.

  1. “This is a great idea,” says police officer Nick Gutenberg. “We can never have too much evidence in a case, and this will be of enormous help to us at reducing crime and seeing that those who deserve punishment get justice! If we could just get those silly privacy laws repealed and some funding we could find out stuff the government wants to know too.”
  2. “This is an unacceptable intrusion into the personal lives of the population,” says Theresa Navarrete while checking under your chair for bugs. “Just imagine all of the sensitive personal information that the police will pick up! Would you like someone listening to your calls to your mother or your lover? I think not! Laws should be passed so that the government and police can’t stick their big noses where they’re not wanted!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bleach is the nation's most common pesticide.

2020-07-24 09:00

Teach Your Farmers Well

After witnessing the horrors of both falling crop yields and furious farmers, your Secretary of Agriculture has proposed state-funded agricultural education.

  1. “Agriculture used to be the primary industry of Random Chaos and now look at us! Our lettuce is a let-down and our beets are barely pink!” exclaims Konrad Douglas, your Secretary of Agriculture. “But just send some funding to colleges, and show those city boys how to weed, water, and sow! It’ll cost the taxpayer, but I’m sure they’ll sacrifice a few chips for firmer tomatoes and browner potatoes!”
  2. “Well, that’s one option,” muses Rochelle Levi, an acquaintance of your brother’s mother-in-law, “but this is such a fundamental sector of our economy that we can’t leave it up to the farmers to choose whether they go to college or not. The government ought to make getting a degree mandatory to enter agriculture. Doctors and lawyers already need them, and can you really call them more important than the farmers?”
  3. “Mandatory degree?!” thunders Aaron Schmidt from atop his tractor. “Them college boys don’t know nothing about farmin’ that my old man didn’t teach me! We’ve been tilling this land for seven generations, and by hickory we know how to do it best - we don’t need any guv’ment folks tellin’ us where to plant potatoes or what pest killers we can use! Now some of us farmers ain’t the best, but same goes for those university-educated doctors and lawyers!” He trails off, still angrily waving an absurdly tiny carrot.
  4. “You know, all this talk has got me thinking,” notes socialist thinker Cornelius Bacon, brandishing a sickle. “Random Chaos has plenty of arable land, just perfect for cultivation. But we’re going about it precisely the wrong way. You just can’t trust private citizens with the people’s own food. If we just nationalize the farms, production will surely rise! And with it, the proletariat!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children gain their first sex education from reading the dictionary.

2020-07-24 03:00

Wash Your Mouth Out!

The League of Concerned Moms has successfully petitioned to ban the dictionary from the Little Gambler Elementary School, to be replaced with a “Clean-tionary” of “pleasant” words. The reason? It contained “lewd and offensive” words referring to private parts of the body. On the day you collect your niece from school, you are confronted by picketers holding signs with boldly-lettered suggestions of where the concerned moms might like to stick their “Clean-tionary” and chanting inventive invective-filled rhymes about censorship.

  1. “We need to protect children from seeing bad words!” demands Sarah Cho, the white-clad leader of the League of Concerned Moms. “Our delicate flowers must be shielded from all bad influences. Just yesterday, my five-year-old came home, saying his classmate called him a ‘[expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] whose mother was [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]’. And where do you think those words were found? That’s right! The dictionary! Where any innocent child can chance upon them. Remove all harmful words from schools’ dictionaries and let our beautiful pearls thrive.”
  2. “All you big people are cramping my style,” groans third-grader Stefanie Jefferson, giggling over the term ‘poop deck’. “Dictionaries are great; I can learn whatever words I want! Words are GREAT. They give kids the power to say what we really think. Yesterday, I called my teacher a ‘big bum-bailiff’. You can’t take that away. You need to keep the fun words in the dictionary, and add more, so we can... um, express ourselves.” She grabs the dictionary protectively and hisses, “Precious words!”
  3. “We need to look at the root of this problem,” soothes psychologist Belinda Pushkin, who has an office across the street with ‘Appointments Available’ in the window. “All this is the result of bad influence. These poor, misguided children don’t know better. They see a cuss word, and yell it to the world. It’s simply a combination of poor impulse control and a need to impress their peer group. Well, no longer! Schools should have psychologists on staff, and as soon as these troubled angels go astray, we can help them find their own way back to the right road.”
  4. “I agree that this is serious,” notes Finn Wilson, your Minister of Let’s-All-Just-Calm-Down. “But it’s not just the kids who are dirtying the air with foul language. The adults are also at fault. We should fund an official Random Chaosian dictionary of approved words, free from all expletives, coarse words, vulgar expressions and terms for the unpleasant parts of human anatomy, and punish anyone who uses any bad word – in books, media, and written and spoken speech. Only then can Random Chaos be a truly pleasant place to live. Now, shall we have a cup of tea?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government tries to improve relations with hostile countries by sending gift baskets.

2020-07-23 21:00

A Taste of Revenge

A spectacular but failed attempt on your life made national news today. Interrogation of captured suspects has pinned the blame on agents of the nation of Blackacre, with which Random Chaos has notoriously chilly relations. Your cabinet is divided as to how to respond.

  1. “Assassins, huh? Well, two can play at that game!” says Warren McCue, your chief military adviser. “An eye for an eye! A tooth for a tooth! An assassination for a... missed shot, I suppose. Never mind that, think of the possibilities! Not only can we strike back at the scumbags who sent this assassin after you, we can turn our attention to... ‘manipulating’ the positions of foreign leaders and political rivals that stand in the way of Random Chaos’s glory.” He then points two fingers at the wall and mouths ‘bang bang’ noises.
  2. “Sending assassins to avenge you isn’t enough!” argues hawkish talk-show host, Hack Shore. “The fact that Blackacre is this bold means we haven’t made them fear us yet - and a nation that isn’t feared isn’t respected. We need to do the only thing we CAN do: bomb their cities! Raise a revolution! Salt their fields! It may cost money, but our nation’s honor is priceless.”
  3. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” says the muffled voice of Marin Bender, an anti-violence protestor who was, until now, hiding in your air vents. “By building up our military-industrial complex, WE have become the aggressor. WE are giving nations like Blackacre good reasons to hate us! No wonder they tried to kill you - we aren’t giving them enough breathing room. If we cut back our military a bit and sent them a fruit basket now and then these problems would never happen.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is mandatory to learn evolution in schools.

2020-07-23 15:00

Evolution: Truth or Witchcraft?

Religious and scientific leaders have clashed recently over the teaching of evolution in public schools.

  1. “Ach, good to see you haff made it here in one piece,” says evil doctor Molly Malik as you wake up strapped to a chair in a secret lab. “As you can see from my brilliant experiments, science has now solved zer problems of zer vorld und ve need nothink else! I propose zat ve do AVAY vith zer teachink of silly thinks like religion und concentrate on zer FACTS! For a start, ve must teach our children where ve came from. Ve shouldn’t be teaching anythink that hasn’t been scientifically proven - er - accounted for, I mean. Igor, release our guest - I haff a monkey to prezent...”
  2. “That’s a LIE, child, we come from the great meteor of truth!” yells firebrand preacher Pastor Richards, kicking down the door. “We cannot allow their transgressions against the HOLY truth to continue! All the heathens should be thankful we don’t burn them at the stake for their devilry! This nation’s true and just government must ban the filth and corruption being spread by these WICKED unbelievers!”
  3. “What I’m wondering is why we need to take sides on this,” says student Vandal Sisko. “After all, it’s only a theory. An unproven theory. Technically. It’s not like it has any bearing on real life - let’s just allow the biologists to teach evolution but emphasise that it’s only a theory, but also make them teach other theories such as creationism. Heck, we can tell them that crackpot theory that we’re all descended from gamblers too! Then everyone goes away happy.”
  4. “Stop bickering already!” says Billy-Bob Biscuitbarrel, Minister of Education. “I say that you can have your cake and eat it, too. Education should be split if it stops this debate. The parents can send their children to secular schools or religious schools, based on what they want their kids to hear. It’s expensive, certainly, but the public education budget has been needing boosting for ages anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teenagers can't decide if they're more embarrassed by their parents or the country's leader.

2020-07-23 09:00

School’s Out (Of Control)

After students at a school revolted and attempted to secede from Random Chaos, leading to a three-day siege that was, thankfully, peacefully resolved, educators and parents from across the nation have called for something to be done about discipline in schools.

  1. “It’s this modern let’s-be-friends teaching style that is to blame,” rants Nyota Clason, a tired-looking retired headmistress, “We’re all so concerned with mollycoddling these little hooligans that we’ve forgotten what education is supposed to do — instil obedience, discipline and respect for authority! Let’s get in former army drill sergeants to teach the little sods. Sure, they might not have any formal teaching qualifications, but good teaching mostly just comes down to shouting louder than the children, in my experience.”
  2. “Well now, let’s not blow this out of proportion,” muses Mai Soixantehuit, a political science teacher, who until recently worked at the school in question. “Things may have gotten a little out of hand, but let’s acknowledge that the students set up a functional working society in under three days. I say that they were exploring and learning under their own direction! Even the pipe bombs they made show great grasp of advanced chemistry. Schoolchildren should be given freedom to direct their own education and untap their personal potentials!”
  3. “So we’re either turning them into obedient robots or letting them run riot?” questions well-meaning parent Michonne Johnson, “We need to reach out to these poor, misguided kids and speak to them on their level! We need teachers who know how to talk to the youth of today in their own language. You should be doing more too, Leader. Perhaps you should set up one of those MyFace pages, and would it kill you to wear a baseball cap once in a while?”
  4. “I can see a lot of very unhappy teenagers in Random Chaos,” notes Tiberius Quinn, a prominent children’s psychotherapist. “In my professional opinion this disruptive behaviour is little more than a symptom of an epidemic of youth psychological problems! Ensure that these children have access to the support they need - assign a psychologist to every school and ease up restrictions on prescribing mood-altering medications to children. Perhaps then we’ll start to see calmer, happier children.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Enforcer" to "Eminence Grise".

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Advanced Public Transport, Most Authoritarian, and Most Avoided.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people who have lived their entire lives in Random Chaos are shocked to discover that they are not citizens.

2020-07-23 03:00

Friends, Random Chaosians, Countrymen, Lend Me Your Ears

After the Citizenship and Immigration Services announced that they received a record number of applicants for naturalization, people have once again begun to debate who should or should not be considered Random Chaosian countrymen.

  1. “Well, blood really decides it all,” claims armchair eugenicist Felicity Lovegood. “Without the genes that allowed for such historical greatness, our ancestors could never have built such a fine country. To protect their timeless achievements, we must settle once and for all that a citizen of Random Chaos can only come from ethnically pure parents. Other races cannot pollute our citizenry, lest they undermine the very values that the nation depends upon.”
  2. “Hey, that’s absolutely horrific!” hollers Kirby Shongwe, a Lilliputian immigrant. “Random Chaos needs to be open to all colors, creeds and cultures that come here to live a better life. Nothing justifies punishing people for having the ‘wrong’ birthplace or family tree. Everyone born in Random Chaos deserves the right for equal treatment! And even if you weren’t born here, it should be easy to join the ranks of your fellow citizens!”
  3. “Anyone hypothetically can become a citizen, but they first need to fully understand our way of life,” remarks civics teacher Rey Bell. “If you’re not ready to learn the values that are the bedrock of Random Chaos, you’ve got no business being part of our Free Land. That means memorizing all forty verses of the national anthem and being able to list all 1,024 cantons in alphabetical order, like any true citizen of Random Chaos can. Only those who pass a stringent exam can prove themselves to be true Random Chaosians.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, droves of former desperados are applying to join the border police.

2020-07-22 21:00

Cowboys and... Aliens?

A gang of rough-riders has been policing towns along Random Chaos’s border, rounding up illegal aliens and “escorting” them back home.

  1. “Who do these thugs think they are?” asks popular liberal blogger Bob Foster. “The police should be the only ones handling border control! If we leave it in the hands of wild frontiersmen, immigrants will be herded and probed like gamblers! It’s despicable, it’s degrading, and it must be stopped!”
  2. “Why, we just helpin’ our community, is all,” drawls the self-proclaimed sheriff of the cowboy gang, Harry Fjord, as he slides off his saddle to shake your hand. “Matta’fact, we’re helpin’ the gov’ment as well, enforcin’ border control and keepin’ yer towns safe from them damned illegals. I can handle m’boys, so don’t you worry ‘bout a thing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, agricultural employees work for peanuts.

2020-07-22 15:00

Tempted by the Fruit of Another

A fruit juicing plant owned by farming conglomerate Gambler Farms proved unprofitable and was closed down when everything went pear-shaped, with local employees laid off in their hundreds. A few weeks later, its former workers broke through the padlocked gates and brought the machines inside back to life, starting a collectivist Random Chaosian Manufacturing Workers’ Co-operative which soon turned a modest profit. Now the buildings’ owners want their factory back. The workers’ co-op has met the police in the streets, and things are about to go bananas.

  1. “This factory is mine! I have the deed right here!” yells Gambler Farms majority shareholder Severus Lennon from the safety of a sea of well-armored riot police. “How do you like them apples? Really, it’s precisely this sort of commie nonsense that is responsible for the economic downturn in Random Chaos to begin with! Everyone knows these lazy peasants don’t have the plums to build a real enterprise. But, now that MY factory is turning a profit again, I’m happy to buy their labor! You know, at a small discount.”
  2. “Oh, so you have some quaint little deed? Who gives a fig?” asks Kimberly Scheer, an award-winning documentary maker, while simultaneously signing copies of her new book The Shock Logo. “Why does the law protect the rights of failed business owners while leaving the workers out in the cold? Haven’t these workers also invested their very lives into this factory? Life gave them lemons, and they made lemonade! Don’t sacrifice their families and their lives to that bunch of sour grapes... Change the law to allow workers to take direct and democratic control of abandoned factories!”
  3. “Look, this ‘self-management’ thing sounds all peachy keen, but it just plays into the same tired capitalist narrative,” says red turtleneck-clad political theorist Bob Bacon, while wrinkling his nose at a tattoo-laden protester. “Characterizing the suffering of the working class as merely an ‘investment’ plays directly into the hands of the bourgeoisie. And what do a bunch of pea-brained individuals know about proper management anyway? Can one factory provide jobs for all? Clearly, the state should seize factories for the good of all Random Chaosians!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hordes of gardening enthusiasts are being banished from cities nationwide.

2020-07-22 09:00

Don’t Stead on Me!

A significant number of residents in Random Chaos City and other cities across Random Chaos have been growing vegetables and keeping animals on their property. The increasing presence of farm animals and intricate homemade irrigation systems have begun wreaking havoc on the infrastructure. Yesterday the busiest intersection of Random Chaos City was held up for over four hours by a woman trying to herd a large group of sheep to pasture in Gambler Park. A cross-town group of affluent and angry citizens now demands that you control the burgeoning homestead movement.

  1. “These smelly beatniks are ruining our neighbourhoods,” claims Tom Leadbetter, avid city-dweller and leader of the ‘Proprietors Organization for the Safekeeping of Homes’. “Chickens in the street, goat droppings on my doorstep, and weeds so high that who knows what’s going on right next door. And they’re using waste water for irrigation for Violet’s sake! If they want to live like bumpkins, let them move to the country. In fact, you should make them go.”
  2. “I have a right to grow my own food,” counters a young woman who goes by the name of ‘Starlight’. “By allowing plants, animals and people to flourish side by side, working with nature instead of against it, we’re restoring balance to our cities. And it’s great social policy, you know, educating the kids, alleviating poverty and boosting health, sort of. Don’t be a part of the problem Leader - enact a nationwide ‘Right to Homesteading’! Do it now!”
  3. “Surely we can compromise on this,” suggests Jack Mendeleev, a hip urban developer, while combing his moustache atop a unicycle. “Urban farming is really hot right now, and you can’t deny that green spots liven up the face of a city. Let’s tear down some downtown derelicts, set up a few approved farms and sell lots to the eco-conscious middle class. It’s perfect! We can brand our cities ‘green’ and substitute the inner-city riff-raff with the young and fashionable in one stroke. Everybody wins! Well, except for the urban poor, I guess, but they’re such a dreary bunch anyways.”
  4. Just when you thought you were done for the day, Buffy Stewart climbs through your window. The infamous primitivist and raging bovinophobe has another solution to the issue at hand. “The problem isn’t farming in cities, it’s farming period! The domestication of animals and subjugation of the roaming savage is what led to our downfall. The first step towards finding our roots is outlawing agriculture, in all its forms! We’ll live off the land: pick berries and stalk gamblers. It’ll be grand, trust me.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teachers are skilled at leaving no evidence of child cruelty.

2020-07-22 03:00

Suffer Little Children

The Durum Pulsaverit Academy — a private educational institution for the offspring of an order of black-clad believers — has caused controversy when it was recently discovered that it was illegally administering corporal punishment on students for a variety of offences, including talking in class and poor penmanship.

  1. “Our accusers make it sound like there’s something cruel going on,” intones the school’s headmaster Killsin Barbon, who has a bimonthly lifestyle advice column in the order’s magazine: The Dour Digest. “They see not that it is done in love. A love of inflicting pai... piety. Youth is born wicked — disobedient, full of sin and forever questioning that which it pleases not their superiors to tell them — and such wickedness must be driven out. Our graduates are perfect citizens. Their sin-natures of treason and reason ripped from them, they then go through life as a meek and pure-minded mass. You should bring back corporal punishment in all schools. A beating a day keeps the badness at bay.”
  2. “Merciful Violet! What unnecessary brutality,” tuts Miranda Navarrete, headmistress of the Creator of Good Counsel Academy. “Our Creator would never sanction such cruelty on the wayward cherubs. You can discipline them without harshness: writing ten thousand lines, scrubbing graffiti from the wooden desks with a toothbrush, holding a dictionary in each outstretched arm. Teachers who resort to violence show a clear lack of training. All teachers must be taught more functional methods of managing recalcitrant munchkins, and given the necessary tools.”
  3. “In the name of Her Jaundicedness, no!” An alarmed Marigold Thomas, Tranquil Yellowist and teacher from the Golden Light Academy, drops the daisy chain she’s been making. “This obsession with sin and punishment is precisely why so many see all religious people as nutjobs. Religious-run academies must report any staff member or parent who is suspected of breaking the law to the police, suspending staff from duty until the matter’s resolved. All schools must also submit to regular and thorough surprise inspections to prove they are the safe havens they ought to be.”
  4. “This is why religious schools are harmful,” says atheist Ryan Chew. “Religious schools like Durum Pulsaverit barricade themselves with closed ideas, and augment them with abusive threats of eternal damnation. Look at this ten-year-old’s physics test: ‘How does electricity work?’, answer: ‘We can’t know’; ‘Why does electricity work?’, answer: ‘The Creator did it’. The kid got full marks! We should close every religious school, and put the children in state-run secular schools to focus on provable knowledge and scientific fact.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, urban high-volume mailers now receive their mail via chauffeur-driven limousines.

2020-07-21 21:00

Going Postal

It has come to your attention that there is some serious debate over whether Random Chaos’s postal service should be either privatised or nationalised.

  1. “The postal system ought to be privatised,” says Velma Janssen, Director of PostHaste, a small package delivery company. “All the government is doing is putting the tax chips of hard-working citizens into an outmoded and wasteful system. Private businesses can offer a much more efficient system with less junk mail. A little more expense on stamps is worth that right?”
  2. “Uh huh? And what about those in rural or remote areas?” asks Cassidy Pushkin, the CEO of Random Chaos Mail, the government-owned postal service. “If you privatise this business then they’ll get marginalised and ignored. With a nationalised service everyone can use the system and cheaply too. We provide a good service for our customers and have been doing so for a very long time! The postal service should be nationalised and all competition banned!”
  3. “There’s plenty of room for compromise,” says Hamlet Wilson, a stamp collector. “How about we just privatise the mail system and allow other competitors to move in but continue with government funding to Random Chaos Mail? That way everyone can get their post and the companies can have their own slice of the pie. It’ll require an increase in tax to cope with losses to competition but not too much. I think. To be frank, I just want more stamps.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prime commercial land is being swamped with archaeological teams.

2020-07-21 15:00

An Archaeological Altercation

During the construction of a new Hyper-Mega-Ultra-Super Mall, construction workers have unearthed what appears to be an ancient temple. A furious debate has arisen between those who wish to preserve it, and those who need their retail therapy.

  1. “This is the perfect opportunity to learn more of our nation’s history!” says Professor Wally Jobrani, head of the archaeological department of the Random Chaos History Museum. “All building work must be halted immediately so that my team can study this remarkable piece of our nation’s past. To bury these ruins under some concrete eyesore would be criminal!”
  2. “It’s all very nice to get to know some more about our past,” argues foreman Bongani Quayle. “But that’s just the thing! It’s the past! We must think of the future. If you allow those decrepit fossils to take over this place, you put at risk the future of our economy! Today it’s archaeological digs, tomorrow it’s ‘preservation of the environment’. Just let me bulldoze the worthless pile of rubble and bury it under a few hundred tonnes of concrete.”
  3. “Behold, the hour has arrived! The Holy Temple of Firefury Amahira has been unearthed!” proclaims Yon-Zhauryg v’Klot, leader of the Cult of the Undead Gambler. “This land is sacred, and must not be befouled by these corporations! No-one but the enlightened children of Firefury must be allowed to venture inside our rediscovered sanctuary, where we will perform the required rituals to please the Great Goddess and prevent Her from unleashing Her wrath upon the world.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, saying "don't do anything that Leader wouldn't do" doesn't exclude a great deal.

2020-07-21 09:00

Hush... Hush, Sweet Charlotte

Your personal assistant, Charlotte Sweet, has threatened to tell the newspapers you had an affair with her unless you give her lots of money.

  1. “Even if you never went near her, we can’t let this story get out,” says your Chief of Staff. “Think of the scandal! No, no, no. Pay her. Pay the tabloids. Pay anyone who’s ever heard the word affair! Pay them as much as it takes to make this disappear. Sure, this might be a quick and dirty solution, but sometimes you have to put your career first.”
  2. “We just have to make sure she doesn’t win over the public with her deceptions,” counsels your attorney, Kanye Vader. “Force all the newspapers to expose her as a liar. Release statements saying you stand by your family. Drastic measures must be taken to ensure media truth! Now let’s prep your testimony. Repeat after me: I did not have an affair with that woman.”
  3. “Maybe this little problem really isn’t a dilemma,” opines your press advisor, Peggy Coleman. “We live in modern times, and I don’t think the public care about who sleeps with whom. You’re better off seizing the initiative and telling the world about every relationship you’ve had in a series of memoirs. Make it juicy enough to be exciting, and at the very least people will say you’re honest. People don’t say that a whole lot about politicians these days.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Conservative.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, credit scores fluctuate wildly with every change of government.

2020-07-21 03:00

Extra Credit?

A series of cases of mistaken identity from the credit bureau Expertfaux recently culminated in your young cousin receiving a deluge of petitions from aggrieved citizens. Frustrated Random Chaosians, who are beginning to doubt their own names, have called the efficacy and necessity of modern credit bureaus into question.

  1. “These people have no credibility!” protests Tobias Hesse, littering your desk with the shredded ruins of his credit report. “Incompetent credit bureaus’ background checks labeled Mr. Patel as a criminal and Ms. Waialiki as deceased. Besides, any attempt to boil down my life into a single number will fall short of doing me justice. Credit bureaus need more oversight, so they can’t come between hardworking Random Chaosians and the loans we need!”
  2. “These were minor mishaps,” claims Lars Cullen, a representative from Expertfaux, who appears to be addressing a government accountant instead of you. “Lenders, landlords, and even employers need our services to weed out undeserving clients. Imagine if companies didn’t know who in the blue they were lending to! Credit bureaus must be allowed to self-regulate without government interference. The future of our wallets depends on it!”
  3. “Doing background checks one at a time is so inefficient,” muses the accountant in question, Rosalina Kirk. “Why not put credit regulation under government control, and research people’s financial history in advance? That way anybody can access our database at any time. I’m sure the police would love to have a record of major transactions and movements too.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens know not to ask what their country can do for them but what they can do as chained slaves for their country.

2020-07-20 21:00

DoublePlusUnGood

Horrifyingly, there continues to be whispered dissent against your glorious and righteous rule.

  1. “War is peace,” asserts your Minister of Peace, wiping blood from a stainless steel truncheon with a velvet cloth. “Nothing brings a nation together like an external enemy. Find a strategically inferior nation to declare war on, exaggerate their threat with demonising propaganda, and watch as the proles unite behind you in hatred of your shared foe.”
  2. “Freedom is slavery,” observes your Minister of Plenty, while carrying out his daily physical jerks to keep himself fit. “Grab those who complain, and strip them of their liberty by putting them to forced labour in service of the state. Good citizens will have the incentive to behave better, and our economy will benefit from a costless workforce.”
  3. “Ignorance is strength,” quacks your Minister of Truth, going through the dictionary with a black marker, and striking out words she doesn’t like. “We need to reduce the nation’s capacity for critical thinking, for unpatriotic doubt and for rebellious intellectualism. Blissful unreason, with a vocabulary that is too limited to express dangerous ideas - that is how we achieve a compliant population.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chests full of green leaves dumped into the harbor have many murmuring against the government.

2020-07-20 15:00

It’s Legal Now!

It’s been high times all around since the government legalized recreational marijuana. While adults can no longer be prosecuted for using or selling the drug, there still remains a high number of drug offenders in Random Chaos’s prisons who were sentenced before the law changed.

  1. “Clogging Random Chaos’s prisons with people who were simply ahead of their time is cruel, illogical and inhumane!” opines advocate Alexander Ross while puffing Maxtopian Grass cigar smoke into your face. “These visionaries should never have been imprisoned in the first place and the government needs to release every single one of them. You’d free up thousands of jail cells, and it sure beats turning them into hardened criminals behind bars.”
  2. “I sympathize with their situation, but as the old saying goes: ‘do the crime and do the time’,” reminds by-the-book FLRC Drug Enforcement Officer Elizabeth al-Assad. “Drug possession may be legal now, but it wasn’t when these people were arrested. They knowingly broke the law, and when you break the law in Random Chaos, you go to jail. Letting them out sends the wrong message.”
  3. “Drugs are bad, m’kay,” preaches anti-drug advocate and oddly-shaped high school guidance counselor Jean-Paul McKay. “We should never have legalized the stuff in the first place. Drugs like Maxtopian Grass cause health problems and our children are still getting their hands on it, m’kay. We need to recriminalize all recreational drugs and keep the druggies off the streets. Throw the stuff away and be done with it, m’kay.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, frisbee games on college quadrangles are grounds for expulsion.

2020-07-20 09:00

Amateur Hour

The Random Chaos College Sports Association has a long-standing policy that collegiate athletes do not get paid. Several high-profile players have taken to camping out in the student loan office until their grievances are addressed.

  1. “Our team brings zillions of chips to campus,” notes Malon Patton, a member of the University of Random Chaos gamblerball team. “We put our blood, sweat, and tears into representing this school, and we don’t even get compensation for our work! Give us a share of the wealth we create, so we can pay for tuition, books, and alco... well, all the necessities.”
  2. “Kids these days,” trails off Sean Walker, an executive of the RCCSA, struggling to remember his talking point. “I mean to say, they’re already being paid in scholarships! Elite athletes will have plenty of time to profit from their talents once their school days are over, so don’t let scholarship recipients be distracted by monetization. They need to stay focused on earning their degrees.”
  3. “Not all sports are equally profitable,” says snow volleyball player Alfred Cumberbatch, taking a break from practice. “Professionalizing collegiate athletes would let popular gamblerball players like Patton make bank while programs like mine fall by the wayside. Random Chaos should enforce a code of amateurism in all its sports, on campus or off. It’s the only way to be fair.”
  4. “Who let all these jocks on campus?” questions Ellie Kowalski, an honors student at the University of Random Chaos City. “The point of higher education is to pursue knowledge and prepare for your career, not watching your sweaty classmates fight over their balls. Let’s do away with college sports entirely and reaffirm our commitment to what university is really about: learning, research, and pursuing hot co-eds.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Highest Wealthy Incomes.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there is a dearth of space for new houses.

2020-07-20 03:00

Swept Away

Unusually heavy rainfall this week burst riverbanks and caused flash flooding in Random Chaos’s low-lying areas. This has sparked much debate on how the state should deal with flood damage.

  1. “We need help to recover from this horrible flood!” says Shinzo Tin, a resident of the flooded zone, trying to stop his hands from shaking. “I’ve lost everything: my house, cars, yacht. There was no time to recover anything before it was swept away. The government should compensate us for our losses. It wasn’t our idea to can the dam project, after all, and if I get no help I’ll be without a roof to live under.”
  2. “At the end of the day, they chose to live in a flood plain. Why should the government pay anything at all to these half-brained idiots?” rants Sydney Cheyney, a prominent campaigner for lower government spending. “If they want money when there’s a flood, they should get insurance and hang the expense. Make them bear the costs of their own lunacy. You don’t see ME whining about the whippersnappers that broke one of my windows last fall. Why? Because I paid for insurance!”
  3. “These floods should never have happened in the first place,” states Aphrodite Jammeh, a noted architect, with an excited glint in her eye. “They’ve caused widespread destruction and damage; the repairs will cost millions of chips, and this doesn’t count the millions more people are asking in compensation. What I propose is that the government invest heavily in massive flood defenses. Dams! Levees! Floodways! Dikes! Dams! Gates! Wall off the seas and lakes! Put flood gates on every river! No, dam them all up! Then build more dams! We’ll have no more floods in Random Chaos!”
  4. “You know what? Why don’t we use the cheap, easy solution to stop this problem?” says Gabriel Preisner, floating past on a makeshift raft. “Just stop people from building on flood plains. If you’re not in a floodable area, you can’t get flooded. Who’s going to complain? A bunch of real-estate developers? Please! Even the environmentalists will be happy, because the land will become some kind of nature reserve.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, any citizen who cries is immediately assigned a psychiatrist.

2020-07-19 21:00

Ten Days in a Mad House

Investigative journalist Selma Berenstein has published a damning critique of Random Chaos’s mental health facilities after spending ten days undercover as a psychiatric patient in Random Chaos City State Asylum. Her report details abuse, incompetence and negligence, and has led to angry clamors for reform of how the system is managed.

  1. “These hospitals are being run like prisons!” belts irate social worker Ivan Guterres as he slams down a copy of the article on your desk. “Patients are treated like inmates; their rooms are like cells, and these antiquated ‘treatments’ redefine barbaric! Something must be done!” He pauses for a moment to regain his composure. “We need to completely revamp the state of mental health treatment in this country. Let’s start by convening a meeting of all the world’s leading psychiatrists - put up at our expense, of course - and then build a new specialist care facility in every town in Random Chaos.”
  2. “I’d like to spend more money on psychiatric care too, but there simply isn’t any room in the budget,” grumbles Random Chaosian Health Service accountant Birgitta Navratilova. “At this rate we’re already going to be running a deficit next year anyway. We should be cutting down on expenses, not spending more. The taxes we save will mean citizens will have more in their pocket: they can pay for private treatment if they aren’t happy with our basic services.”
  3. “I think we’re missing an opportunity here,” muses Minister of Internal Security Ganondorf Thompson. “This troublesome reporter hasn’t actually been fully released from the Asylum yet. Why don’t we just revoke her discharge paperwork and keep her there? We’ll put the kibosh on her little ‘exposé’. It’s obviously the ravings of a mad woman. In fact, we could arrange a little ‘mental health treatment’ for all those meddling journalists! And don’t you think the Leader of the Opposition might enjoy a checkup too?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, wearing a daisy chain is a fast-track ticket to unemployment.

2020-07-19 15:00

Nothing to See

Society was shocked this morning as scandalous pictures of young actress Violette Harel, fully clothed, were leaked to the press.

  1. “Young women these days are under such pressure,” sighs casting agent Ariel O. “They’ll do anything for the attention. Her reputation as a wholesome young Random Chaosian lies in tatters; I don’t think we need to bring the weight of the law to bear. If Violette lies low for a while — say, four or five years — her youthful indiscretions will be forgotten, I’m sure. Then, perhaps she can resume her once-promising career.”
  2. “What young Miss Violette gets up to in the privacy of her own house is her business, and hers alone,” says Elmo Ungar, quirking an eyebrow at a particularly risqué shot featuring a chunky-knit cardigan and baggy dungarees. “Do the young lass a favour, and stop these pictures from reaching the public eye. I’ll, er... deal with these ones.”
  3. “Shame!” cries stony-faced priestess Una Sparrow, ringing an oversized bell in your face. “This sinner’s shame must be exposed for all to see. Parade her through Random Chaos City clothed only in her wickedness, for only then can she earn repentance. SHAME!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the industries of Random Chaos are coughing all the way to the bank.

2020-07-19 09:00

Trick or Treaty

After lengthy political wrangling, a global treaty on reducing greenhouse gas emissions has been put on the table. World powers such as Brancaland, Blackacre and Dàguó have moved to ratify the treaty, and the heat is on for Random Chaos to make a decision.

  1. “Only through coordinated international action can we deal with the crisis of climate change,” preaches Apu Cobblepot, who has spent the better part of a decade as Random Chaos’s lead negotiator for the treaty. “The emissions reduction targets in this treaty are achievable, and affordable. Leader, for our children’s future, we must ratify this treaty.”
  2. “What mankind does has no bearing on whether the weather is warm,” rants Erica Kaine, a columnist at the think-tank Convenient Truths. “Ratifying this treaty would be economic suicide, and it’s well-known that the threats of so-called ‘climate change’ have been exaggerated by countries like Dàguó in order to cripple our economy. You must refuse to ratify this treaty!”
  3. “You know, I was beginning to warm up to this treaty,” argues hot-headed environmentalist Judas Räikkönen. “But then, I got to the proposed emissions reduction targets: they’re pathetic! We do need to set an international example, but not by ratifying this worthless treaty. Instead, we must pass national legislation that properly addresses the magnitude of our problem. Like, oh I don’t know, an eighty percent reduction of all emissions by next Tuesday.”
  4. “All this has me thinking,” muses Harley Woolf, an economics professor specializing in game theory, who is simultaneously playing chess with your aide. “The emissions reductions would impact our economy, but not ratifying the treaty would adversely affect our international reputation. I noticed that the compliance verification provisions are quite... lax. So let’s ratify, do some lip-service, and then forget about it. It’ll give us a competitive advantage.” With a flourish, she moves her queen across the chessboard, “Check and mate!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Primitive.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corporate lobbying has been outlawed.

2020-07-19 03:00

Corruption in the Lobby

After the passage of a bill giving billions of chips to “any oil company with two ‘x’s in its name”, there was much discussion over the influence that corporate lobbies have over the government and whether it was getting out of hand - until an all-waves radio and TV broadcast suggested citizens go have a coffee at Starbucks instead.

  1. “It disgusts me how much this government is eating out of the hands of corporations,” says Kasie Wilk, an anti-corporate activist. “A government’s first priority is supposed to be its people! Random Chaos! Not some faceless company interested in nothing but money! The right to petition is for individual citizens, not for multinational companies that answer to no one.”
  2. “There’s no need to get excited, we’ve got everyone’s best interests at heart,” replies Alexei Stone, a corporate lobbyist. “Yes, individuals have the right to make their opinions known to the government, but so too do groups of individuals. And that’s all a corporation is: a group of individuals wanting to contribute. By helping corporations, the government helps the country. Unemployment goes down, the economy goes up, and everyone’s favourite products become more readily available. In fact, if corporations were already part of the political process we could do so much more! I propose that companies be allowed to run for office.”
  3. “Over my dead body they will,” says Elizabeth Butt, a civil servant. “The problem with lobbying is that it’s so easily abused. There are too many opinionated idiots out there prepared to rally around some obnoxious or silly cause. Last week the parliament reviewed a petition from thousands of citizens complaining about birds being too noisy! I mean, really! We’d be better off ignoring lobbyists altogether and trusting in your own sagacity, esteemed leader.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian athletes are close to breaking the 2 minute mile and the 16 meter long jump.

2020-07-18 21:00

Suspicious Superhuman Athletes?

Vance Armstorm, a seven time Tour de Random Chaos winner, has been accused of taking drugs that enhance overall performance in sports, and has subsequently been stripped of all his titles. Pundits now say the problem has spread into other sports like Gamblerball, and the The Hatrackia Olympics.

  1. “They might as well put on capes and masks to go with that spandex!” exclaims sports commissioner Sarah Liu, while reviewing a video of a recent Olympic try-out. “I’ve seen weightlifters lift 200 kgs for five minutes straight, and marathon runners not even looking tired in the 40th kilometer! We need tighter doping laws in all sports and better drug testing equipment. For the sake of fairness in all sports in Random Chaos, we need to test every athlete we can find!”
  2. “Come on, I didn’t do anything wrong,” asserts Vance Armstorm, while sipping a suspiciously glowing energy drink. “These allegations are nothing but a ploy by my competitors to discredit my hard work and natural superiority. I’ve trained all my life to be in this competition! Drug tests are an insulting invasion of my privacy. They should be outlawed! I say I’m clean. The team doctor says I’m clean. Shouldn’t our word be enough?”
  3. “I don’t really understand what issue is,” muses Alejandro Sestero, a burly Smalltopian diplomat, from a couch in the executive lounge. “I watch sports to see best compete against best. Who cares if they take drug or drinking chemical to be stronger and faster? Give all athlete drug!” As he speaks, he is rapidly switching between three different sporting events on TV. “Stronger, faster, BETTER, if you ask me!”
  4. “Stronger, faster... broken,” comments former world heavyweight boxing champion Doug Barnes, speaking unusually slowly. “We... break ourselves; we break each other. Taking drugs... just makes it worse. Anything to win. Anything. The problem isn’t... isn’t... drugs. The problem is sports. If you value athletes as people... as human... beings... you need to ban sports.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, riots have broken out as a water shortage threatens Random Chaos's stability.

2020-07-18 16:00

Water Supply Problems Becoming a Major Drain

Due to the explosive population growth in Random Chaos, coupled with recent droughts, people are beginning to worry about the nation’s decreasing water supply, and who should get first dibs on the vital H2O.

  1. “We need this water to raise our crops,” says incensed farmer Yoshi Barber. “If it wasn’t for us farmers, the rest of Random Chaos would be starving. How about laying the blame where it belongs, and look to those cookie cutter suburban houses with their green lawns and pristinely-washed fancy carriages!”
  2. “It is my right to have the most beautiful lawn in the neighborhood,” says neighborhood spokesperson Cleveland Golightly. “Our community spends a lot of effort cultivating a nice environment for our kids to grow up in. Why, if they didn’t have these nice lawns to play in, they would be hanging out on street corners peddling drugs, or worse! Won’t someone please think of the children?”
  3. “Here is a novel idea,” proclaims Jadzia Morgan, spokesperson for radical environmental group Leave Nature Alone. “How about getting rid of all these dams and irrigation projects that are getting in the way of Mother Nature’s plans for the water? It is time to allow the rivers to take their natural courses and leave the environment alone. I’m sure things will work out fine if we let Nature take her course.”
  4. “Obviously, who gets how much water is only a part of the problem,” notes famed population-control advocate Ming Swift. “We must try to curtail the rapid growth of our population, whether by limiting the amount of children people may have, or by deporting immigrants and criminals... we must get a handle on our population before we can hope to correct this water supply problem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Leader's told that love often manifests itself through homicidal four-lettered litanies.

2020-07-18 09:00

You’ve Got Mail

Having already attended to all your appointments, made a few important decisions, and dismissed several small matters, you have nothing left to do and have turned to your mail. Your secretary, Karl Lannister, shows you a little letter with a heart on the envelope that he’d like you to look at.

  1. “Hi! My name’s Penny, I’m five (but am often mistaken for five-and-a-half). I wanted to thank you for being my leader. Love, Penny,” your secretary reads aloud, his lower lip wobbling. “That is so sweet! Leader, we have to read these more. If you don’t, then I certainly will. Don’t you want to hear how great you’re doing while you’re solving the nation’s problems?”
  2. “What a snot-nosed brat,” sneers your grumpy Uncle Zack, before spitting in the message’s general direction and staining your shoes. “This mail is so sickening! You have better things to attend to than some ‘fan mail’. Besides, what if one of those opposes your leadership? You’d probably pout all day and get nothing done. Make those letters useful; use them as fuel for the fire.”
  3. “If you ask me, this is a very important issue,” declares your Minister of Telecommunications, giving you another thick report with too cheerful a smile. “I think it’d be a great show of integrity to take time off and read these letters out loud and to the public — not all of them, mind you. But get a balance of good and bad. That way, the populace will know that they’re being heard. Plus, you never know, an important national issue might be raised in one of those letters.”
  4. “Let’s not waste an opportunity here,” muses your Minister of Propaganda, confiscating all of your mail. “We should look through these letters and find the ones that best compliment you. If we run dry, we can always make up some names and come up with something appropriately flattering. We’ll replace subversive newsreaders and journalists with smart governmental spokespersons, and let them repeat the wonderful truth about you regularly. Reprint the best letters in all newspapers, and run a competition with prizes for the most fawning... honest citizen. That way everyone will know how great a leader you are!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Agricultural Sector and the Top 10% for Greatest Rich-Poor Divides.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a serf by any other name works just as hard.

2020-07-18 03:00

Feudal Feuds

After an economic report from the Treasury revealed that the productivity of the country’s serfs is at an all-time low, a delegation from the disgruntled nobility has barged into your office proposing solutions to the problem at hand.

  1. “Clearly, serfdom as a system is not working,” opines the infamous Duke of Random Chaos City, as his disaffected serf painstakingly peels grapes at his side. “But you know what system does work? Slavery. Think about it. You don’t need to give them any rights whatsoever, they can be bought as children and sold as adults for a massive profit, and if they misbehave or rebel, we simply kill them. Besides, slavery has been going on for centuries. One could even say it’s the natural order of things.”
  2. “The problem is us, not the system,” remarks Lady Verisimilitude as she anxiously glances over the Treasury’s figures again. “We’ve been far too harsh with our serfs by constantly trading and moving them between our various estates all while working them to the grave. With the government’s supervision and some new regulations, we could more effectively maintain the serfs’ produc... I mean, health by ensuring they have access to water breaks, family visits, and maybe even a tribunal where they can lodge complaints.”
  3. “Supervision? Regulations? What socialist nonsense is this?!” exclaims the overweight Marquis de Marzipan while twirling his sugar-coated mustache. “It is our ancient right to own serfs and have them work our lands however we dictate! It says so right in the constitution! Somewhere... I’m sure of it. Anyway, the point is, don’t take my serfs away! Instead, why don’t you just give us a tax break so we can afford to survive this current stint of unproductivity. The last thing my serfs want to see is their beloved master suffering like a mere peasant!”
  4. “Feudalism is an archaic and draconian custom that mars our fair land in the cruelest tyranny,” asserts the Duke’s surprisingly erudite serf, while purposefully knocking over a bowl of freshly-peeled grapes onto her stunned lord’s lap. “We are Random Chaosian just as much as you, and as such we demand our freedom as any other self-respecting Random Chaosian would. It’s time you got rid of this medieval, barbaric practice—and revoke all aristocratic titles while you’re at it! That’ll make us all equal then.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, movie references are legally admissible in court.

2020-07-17 21:00

Murder, He Shouted!

Your Chief Economic Adviser, Mr. Shylock Holmes, was found dead in your office with several stab wounds in his back early this morning. A baffled Random Chaos City P.D. has called in the assistance of world-renowned Lilliputian private investigator Mr. Marple to help untangle the mystery. After several hours of thorough investigation, the notoriously eccentric detective has called all the suspects to the parlour.

  1. “You can’t possibly think it was me,” states Colonel Custard, the victim’s old business partner, while trying to hide a red stained shirtsleeve. “He and I were the best of friends. In fact, I was paying him under the table to give you terrible advice that would favour my company; why would I kill him? If anything, it was probably that harlot secretary of yours. I know for a fact they’ve been getting it on all over your desk when you leave the office. This is clearly the result of a sordid affair gone wrong; arrest that minx! And while we’re at it, throw a tiny tax break in my direction. It’s what he would’ve wanted.”
  2. “Lies, all lies!” your young secretary Miss O’Hara hisses aggressively at Col. Custard. “He was no friend of yours, or those polluting Beef-Based Agriculture facilities you have set up everywhere. He was a tender soul, and our love made him a new man; yes, with such a big heart, no wonder the old man had so much blood in him! He was going to propose cutting every one of those subsidies propping up your business, and you knew it!” O’Hara turns back to face you with crocodile tears forming in her eyes. “Leader, I demand you have that greedy phoney arrested, and then convert his corporate holdings into a series of national parks! It’s what my love would’ve wanted.”
  3. “Silence!” shouts Detective Marple, as he stops grooming his impeccable moustache in one of your antique mirrors and walks to the centre of the room. “Mon Dieu, enough with the talking of the words and the pointing of the fingers. The Great Marple hears nothing but the jibber and the jabber. The old friend, the foxy secretary; such clichés! Are any of you cold-blooded enough to have done this deed? I say, non! When you add it all up, there is really only the one solution. Only one in this room deserves to be put in the little grey cell.” The elderly detective then proceeds towards your desk, and retrieves a quite exquisite candlestick from one of your drawers. “It was you, Leader! It was you who stabbed and stabbed with the stick that holds the candles until he was no more! All out of fear for your young and dashing advisor outshining you. Take the murderer away, Chief Inspector Snickers; I am disgusted by their presence.”
  4. “Oh my Violet, this is just like the ending of ‘The Maxtopian Falcon’,” opines amateur filmmaker Professor Prune, who inexplicably appears from your closet. “You are being framed, Leader. It was the detective all along. He killed your adviser just so he could take the case and make headlines for putting you away for murder! You need to hold him responsible, and the rest of the Random Chaos City P.D. too, for that matter, for being too slow to realize his ploy!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia fell from "Eminence Grise" to "Enforcer".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, genetic researchers have taken to conducting illegal experiments in secret lairs.

2020-07-17 15:00

The Bee-Ginning of a Catastrophe?

When top scientists started genetically engineering bees in order to make them live longer and resist disease, things went horribly wrong. The result - subsequently dubbed the Random Chaosian Killer Jacket - wiped out their creators within an hour and promptly escaped the lab. Terrified citizens are urging you to stop genetic engineering on bees, citing the unpredictability and potential dangers of this technology.

  1. “What is this madness?” shouts Doctor Bees, still wearing his trademark bee costume, who has in his suitcase the only bees in Random Chaos that aren’t genetically modified. “We’ve created a potential threat to our population. Thanks to genetic tampering, you made killer-bees with GM stingers! Who knows what they’ll do now? The only solution is to ban genetic engineering and shut down the lab immediately. It’s immoral, insane, and incompetent! Cull these modified abominations and encourage the breeding of all-natural, all-organic normal bees... like mine!”
  2. “Don’t you forget why we need this,” reminds Sophie Levy, the new CEO of Bees and Genes, aiming an insecticide spray at a small arthropod hovering above your shoulder. “It’s a noble experiment to keep bees from dying off. Genetically engineered bees have a much greater chance of survival, and that’s better for the environment. With some government support, we can do more for our bees and prof... well, you know.”
  3. “We certainly don’t have to be black-and-yellow about this,” asserts Bajrakitiyabha Schmo, a government scientist who is picking apart your flower display, looking for nectar. “While it’s true that genetic engineering can create some unintended pests, it has potential to help our buzzing friends survive many threats like CCD and parasitic mites. How about we set strict standards for these laboratories? With government oversight, we can watch out for any killer bugs while keeping this technology safe and regulated. True, the scientists may end up trapped in an endless cycle of regulations and inspections, but that’s beside the point.”
  4. “The problem was that we trusted this experimentation to the boffs in the labs,” growls your gruff military attaché Fahd Baker while examining a modified bee under a microscope. “Now I’m not much of a scientist, but surely it wouldn’t be too hard for us to round up these modified bees and set them loose on one of our enemies? Imagine if we unleashed some of these bad boys on Maxtopia or Marche Noire. Their ecosystem will be so screwed up they’ll be begging to sign that peace treaty! Now excuse me while I practice my evil laugh.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign governments are looking into weaponizing the infamous Random Chaosian bee.

2020-07-17 09:30

You’ve Got a Friend in Bee

Honeybee populations have been decreasing at an alarming rate, according to a recent study published in Not That Popular Science magazine. Experts have swarmed your office demanding you take action or face catastrophic consequences.

  1. “This is a travesty!” exclaims concerned environmental scientist, Mario Bach. “Our food supplies will be at risk if the bee population declines any further. Colony Collapse Disorder is a serious thing and we don’t really know what’s killing them. It could be insecticides, parasitic mites, habitat loss, or maybe it’s just all that hot air coming from Random Chaos City. We must stop this before it’s too late. Let’s start with clamping down on industries that manufacture insecticides and enforcing better environmental protection. We must stop at nothing to ensure our survival.”
  2. A local beekeeper, Shelia Gillard, carefully steps into your office carrying a beehive. “What we need to do is to establish large scale bee farms across Random Chaos, and raise more bees so their populations can grow.” The absentminded beekeeper appears oblivious as several bees escape the hive. “Sustainable practices and good bee-raising will preserve the population. You give me and my fellow beekeepers some funding, and we can use that to grow the biggest colony you’ll ever see!” Several of your aides exit screaming, pursued by bees.
  3. “Once again, science has the answer,” says Aria Miller, CEO of Bees and Genes. “If we use genetics to modify the bees, they can be made resistant to disease and live longer. This, my friends, is the breakthrough we need to stabilize the honeybee populations. It’ll require a boatload of funding and we might accidentally create killer bees like the dreaded Maxtopian hornet, but we need to save nature’s black and yellow friends while we have the chance.”
  4. “Whatever happened to leaving nature alone?” queries the eccentric ‘Doctor Bees’, carrying suitcases buzzing with bees and seen wearing a full bee costume. “More bee colonies? Pesticides? Genes? Buzz off! Have you ever stopped to think that we are to blame for this mess? Why don’t we free the bees and let nature take its course? Sure, the beekeeping industry would suffer, but if we do nothing the alternative is total environmental disaster! Buzz buzz buzz!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, immigrants who carry knives on them are presumed to be chefs.

2020-07-17 03:00

The Amazing, but Illegal, Spiderman

On live TV yesterday, a seven-year-old girl was dangling and struggling to hold onto a sixth-floor balcony railing — as emergency services had been delayed by a stampede of wild gamblers — only to be rescued by George W. Lowe, an illegal immigrant, who heroically climbed up the side of the building and brought her safely to ground level.

  1. “Of course we’re grateful,” begins Xu Silk, your Immigration Chief, as he slams the rule book on your desk. “However, illegal immigration is illegal immigration and we’re a nation of laws. Despite his good deed, I’m afraid that we have no choice but to deport him. Heroic acts will not get you any special privileges.”
  2. “My PR senses are tingling!” declares Chuck Bennett, your Press Secretary, as he puts a comb through your hair. “We should give this George W. fellow legal status and an official presentation at your office. One good deed deserves another, so make an exception for him. In fact, why don’t you hand out medals at posh ceremonies for every caring citizen? The press coverage will do you wonders!”
  3. “That brave man saved my daughter!” proclaims Daisy Grossweiner, the girl’s mother. “He absolutely must be given legal status. In fact, you should give citizenship to all illegal immigrants that are already here, as this incident proves that they aren’t all ‘bad people’. We should give them all the benefit of the doubt.”
  4. “So, these immigrants seem pretty good at climbing then?” posits Milhouse Nahasapeemapetilon, your Employment Minister. “Why don’t we fast-track their citizenship applications and put them in jobs where climbing is required? There are window-cleaners, glaziers, tree-trimmers, roofers — they should be excellent at those kinds of jobs. Let’s face it, most Random Chaosians are scared of heights.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaosian Tourism Bureau has described the abolition of coastal defences as a "kick to the groyne".

2020-07-16 21:00

Tide Stops for No Man

The tragic news that seaside resort town Gamblerville-on-Sea has now become Gamblerville-under-Sea has brought the issue of coastal erosion to your attention.

  1. Enthusiastically swinging a bucket and spade, Yoko Head of the Random Chaosian Tourism Bureau implores you to strengthen the coastal defences. “We need groynes, sea walls, revetments, gabions - whatever you can get us! Without this protection, dozens more beautiful beaches and tourist hotspots will be lost to the sea, and then where will you go on holiday? Bigtopia?! Don’t make me laugh.”
  2. “Why spend millions of chips protecting provincial villages?” scoffs penthouse-dwelling urbanite Daenerys Palpatine. “Sea levels are rising, and they’re going to be destroyed eventually. How much money are we going to pour down the drain before we realise these seagull-infested dumps aren’t worth saving? Leave the hoi-polloi to their run-down resorts; I’m jetting off to Tasmania.”
  3. “Sea levels are rising, but that’s only because we’re destroying mother earth!” screeches near-hysterical environmental campaigner Nyota Venkman, who for no apparent reason has chained herself to a nearby tree. “Encouraging even more construction and air travel only exacerbates the problem. Instead we should be promoting sustainable eco-tourism: if tourists want to enjoy what Random Chaos has to offer, they should offset their carbon emissions. They can start by planting a tree.”
  4. “All of them have it wrong!” exclaims local nutter Michonne Coulson, half-submerged in the sea, and apparently trying to turn back the tide. “In this modern age, why accept that coastal erosion marks the end of things? With enough determination, and massive amounts of money, we could reclaim the land from the sea, and turn this sunken Atlantis into the go-to destination of The Hatrackia!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military officials are questioning the policy of ceding the nation's territory in exchange for promises not to invade it.

2020-07-16 15:00

Small Claims

The small, barren, and uninhabited island of Hanshedrik is claimed by both Random Chaos and Skandilund, and for years both sides have playfully vied for its control. New satellite images have shown that the Skandilundian flag has been planted on Hanshedrik, along with a gift of danishes. As you have no other plans today, you have called for a meeting to finally solve the dispute once and for all.

  1. “Two can play at this game!” declares your brother while lusting after the very tempting danishes on your desk. “We ought to respond in kind! Let’s plant our flag on Hanshedrik, and leave them a nice gift of Random Chaosian cheese. After all, mother always said there’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition!”
  2. “Or we could simply give the island to Skandilund as a gesture of our goodwill,” suggests your sister, after one of the danishes mysteriously vanishes. “In a world full of hostile nations like Blackacre and Maxtopia, wouldn’t it be nice to have a reliable ally? Giving them Hanshedrik would be a sign of respect. Perhaps we could even invite them to negotiate a military alliance, all at the low, low cost of a worthless island and a bit of national pride.”
  3. “Excuse me? Don’t tell me you’re suggesting that we give those Skands OUR island!” roars your Defense Minister before he starts whistling innocently as another danish disappears. “Playtime is over. If these frozen hippies want OUR island, they’ll have to fight us for it! We must establish a military base on Hanshedrik and defend it at all costs. That means more funding for the military to make sure everything goes smoothly.”
  4. “Must everything come down to war?” sighs the rarely seen ambassador of Qaanpaluk, a mysterious, but wealthy, nation made of a series of frozen islands. “Technically, Hanshedrik belongs to neither Random Chaos nor Skandilund and therefore is not yours or theirs to give away. Our ancestors discovered the island centuries ago and it has a spiritual significance for us. We are not an unreasonable people. If you give the island to us, we’ll grant you access to some of our gold deposits.” Just as you are about to grab a tasty danish, you notice the plate is now empty.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, police officers ride the swiftest gamblers.

2020-07-16 09:00

Vamos, Mi Gambler!

Following the ban on cars, a criminal alliance dominated by Olympic-class sprinters has sprung up, resulting in hundreds of running footwear shops being robbed. Random Chaos’s police force has requested that they be allowed to ride gamblers as a substitute for their inability to chase these athletic thugs on foot.

  1. “It’s brilliant, if you ask me,” says portly Police Chief Emma Cage while enjoying a doughnut break. “Chasing criminals on foot is so tiresome now that we can’t have our cars. If the government allowed Mounties, the entire process would be so much easier. We wouldn’t even need to put handcuffs on suspects, since we’d just trample them down!”
  2. “It’s a good idea, but we can solve this using a much more direct approach,” muses a tanned off-duty cop. “I mean, why bother with animals when you can still allow cars? I agree cars should be banned for the public, but we policemen need them. Besides, it’s MUCH more fun to run over criminals with cars than gamblers.”
  3. “You wimps are a disgrace!” bellows lycra-clad gym instructor Josh Hicks. “You don’t need cars or gamblers to keep up. It’s about time someone whipped the lot of you into shape. Give me four hours a day with these pansies and I’ll have them catching criminals in no time at all. Now drop and give me twenty!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, criminals rejoice in the streets as the entire police force is sent away on a training retreat.

2020-07-16 03:00

Knitters in a Knot Over Police Stitch Up

After a peaceful public knitting class was dispersed by riot police, the citizenry are up in arms at what they perceive as unnecessary police brutality.

  1. “With all due respect, Leader, you weren’t there, so you don’t know the full story,” your police chief states candidly. “These thugs were loitering in Gambler Park brandishing weapons! They were up to something - mark my words! Besides, if it wasn’t for our brave police officers, who knows what kind of damage they could have caused. We’ve got to come down hard on thugs like these and ban groups comprising of three or more people. That’ll stop any troublemaking, I’m sure of it!”
  2. “Weapons? WEAPONS? They were knitting needles you imbecile!” shouts Coraline Hawkins, the elderly President of the Random Chaos Knitting League, brandishing a pair of pins in the direction of the police chief. “The only thugs in Gambler Park that day were the riot police - protectors of public safety my royal rump! They fired rubber bullets at us without any warning. Rubber bullets! And I’m only out of the hospital after getting my hip replacement. You MUST do something about these trigger-happy hooligans. Clearly if they can’t tell the difference between criminals and geriatrics they need retraining!”
  3. “Retraining the entire police force would cost far too much,” your financial advisor says quietly, appearing from behind your chair. “That being said, the crazy lady with the woolly hat is right, we do have to do something about this situation. We can’t have the police force appear brutal and unruly. What we should do is universally ban all sorts of dangerous weapons. That way the police force won’t have to worry about dangerous thugs with guns, and the public can rest easy knowing the police force won’t be able to brutally attack them either. And we can get rid of the riot police too as they clearly won’t be needed, which saves us money! Everybody wins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former gun owners are finding that brandishing paintball guns isn't as satisfying as the real thing.

2020-07-15 21:00

A Gun in Every Hand and a Tank in Every Garage?

It’s no secret that Random Chaos is one of the most gun-happy nations in The Hatrackia. While guns are legal, a few restrictions do exist. Now, gun-toting citizens are demanding that the government expand gun rights to include bazookas, tanks, and other military-grade weapons. Naturally, the proposal has some concerned citizens up in arms.

  1. “It is the right of every patriotic citizen to own any kind of weapon they desire,” explains conservative actor and gun activist Charles Hester, who recently starred in the anti-war film Planet of the Gamblers. “Why should the military be the only ones trusted with these weapons? The fact that we can’t have them is nothing short of government tyranny and a liberal conspiracy to take our guns away! Some will say that this will be dangerous, but I doubt anyone will be talking smack when they see that well-polished tank on my front lawn!”
  2. “Damn right only the military should have these weapons!” firmly states Commander Margaret Castro, while twirling the keys to a tank around her finger. “Do you really want to trust the average Random Chaosian with these dangerous weapons? We’d have people blowing each other up the moment there’s an argument over wind chimes, for Violet’s sake! In fact, what you need to do is provide more military funding so we can better secure these weapons before they fall into the wrong hands.” The keys slip from the commander’s grasp and fly out an open window.
  3. “You want to bring MORE weapons into Random Chaos?” despairs your ultra-liberal teenage niece, who is busy painting an anti-gun placard for her fifth march this year. “If anything, we need LESS weapons! The only thing guns are good for is killing people. Just look at all the statistics linking easily accessible guns to violent crime. Take a look at Brancaland’s sensible gun control legislation. They haven’t had a mass shooting in decades. We had one last week. If you have any compassion left in your body, you’d ban all guns now! Pry them out of their cold, dead fingers if you have to!”
  4. “Military grade weaponry doesn’t kill people, ignorance kills people,” counters the chairperson of the Responsible Gun Owners Association. “If all Random Chaosians were taught how to responsibly shoot, drive a tank, and fire an anti-aircraft rocket launcher, there’d be none of these so-called accidents you hear about. I don’t have a problem with the average citizen driving a tank as long as they’ve completed proper education and safety training. Then all those gun-grabbers can stop trying to infringe on our right to self-defense, and let us own whatever weapons we like.”
  5. “As my dear mother always said: ‘every problem has a compromise. Or in failing a compromise, a loophole,’” quotes your Minister of Compromises. “Citizens want to have machine guns, bazookas, and tanks? Let them have as many as they want, but let’s make sure that only the police and military have access to ammunition for military-grade weapons. This way they still get their precious weapons of war while we protect public safety. Maybe they can open up a museum or something. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t trust any of the idiots in this country with anything more dangerous than string.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, one of the most popular models in Random Chaos has a scarred face and one working eye.

2020-07-15 15:00

Burn Noticed

Due to a recent spate of acid attacks in Random Chaos City, many Random Chaosians are calling upon you to face this growing problem.

  1. “You need to be exceptionally cruel to carry out these attacks,” observes Dr. Cornelius Myers, in a cold tone of voice. “A little human empathy would prevent these horrific premeditated crimes, but the monsters who perpetrate these crimes are inherently selfish, and can only understand their own pain, not that of others. So the solution is simple - if someone is convicted of carrying out an acid attack, then before you send them to prison, apply acid to their faces. I think if these evil folk know that they’ll be the ones feeling the burn, they’ll think twice before acting.”
  2. “Take care of those already affected by acid attacks,” demands Darya Taylor, an attack victim with a determined look in her eyes. “Our faces have been marred for the rest of our lives. I’ve had to face countless operations, and I’m still recovering from the trauma. Some victims have been blinded, some find it hard to get a job because people find it hard to look at them. The government should make sure to fund the surgeries and therapies that an acid victim needs. Economic and social discrimination against victims should be banned. And attackers, they should get life sentences in prison, since that’s what us victims experience.”
  3. “The solution is as plain as the nose on my face,” proclaims Neil Chavez, a plumber speaking to a crowd of acid attack victims. “The chemicals used in these attacks are very easy to access and obtain. Drain cleaner is the most commonly used fluid in these crimes, and it can be bought cheaply at the nearest store. Outlaw the possession of corrosive substances for everyone except for licensed tradesmen. If people need their pipes unclogged, they must call a professional to handle the situation.”
  4. “Them harlots deserved it!” writes wanted criminal Ivan Ives, in a childlike scrawl on bloodstained paper that arrived by old-fashioned post this morning. “Yes, I doused my daughter in acid, and I don’t feel any remorse! Women have gotten too uppity, refusing the marriages we arrange for them, or cavorting in public with their naked arms and wanton smiles. Acid cleanses a woman of these wrongs, and reminds her daily of the consequences her unclean actions have wrought.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, environmental officials dismiss uncontrolled wildfires burning down major cities as nature taking its course.

2020-07-15 09:00

Only Leader Can Prevent Forest Fires

Large forest fires are raging across Random Chaos. Tens of thousands of acres have already been burned, houses in rural communities have been destroyed, and the resultant smoke has drifted into Random Chaos City, ruining your plans to spend the day tanning.

  1. “This is just another example of public sector failure,” opines former timber baron and current timber industry lobbyist Bill Dahl. “Put these forests back in our hands, and we’ll have these forest humming again in no time - with chainsaws, that is. We’ll clear out all this built-up fuel faster than you can say, ‘TIMBER’. You can even call us environmentalists because it’s in our own interest to plant new trees, and then cut them down again, of course.”
  2. “That’s just not cool, man,” mutters Heech, of the stoner comedy duo Heech and Hemp. “These forests have evolved with fire for aeons. The problem is Man, man. We need to stop ‘managing’ forests and just let the fires do their thing. Communities living in forested areas need to either move out or adapt to fires. As for the smoke...” He pauses and takes a long puff of something you can’t quite see, then after coughing uncontrollably for a while adds: “...we just need to adapt.”
  3. “No!” cries former martial arts prodigy and current forest ranger Gillian Kringle, while bribing you with a picnic basket that was allegedly taken from a bear. “We just need a bit more money. Not just for fire suppression, but for preventative measures, like creating defensible spaces around homes, thinning out logs and small trees, prescribed fire, and arresting potential arsonists. Fires will be smaller and more manageable and everyone will be happy.”
  4. “All this hand-wringing about forest land management is so interesting,” sarcastically comments Lee Roosevelt, whose family lost their home to the fire. “Oh, wait, no, I don’t care, BECAUSE MY HOUSE BURNT DOWN! Thousands of people have lost their homes and what are you doing about it? We need emergency help now. Let’s take all the money we’re wasting on so-called ‘land management’ and put it into something useful, like disaster relief and rebuilding our homes and communities.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sales of disinfectant wipes have skyrocketed.

2020-07-15 03:00

Tainted Tattoos

There has been a rise in infection rates across the country from unsterilized tattoo needles. Health advocates have called on the government to impose safety standards on tattoo parlors across Random Chaos.

  1. “This can’t go on!” cries Dick Anderson of the Random Chaosian Health and Safety Board. “The government needs to regulate tattoo artists and ensure that minimal health and safety practices are being followed. Otherwise, we’ll have a full-blown crisis on our hands. Did you know that some tattoo artists don’t even sterilize their equipment? That’s risking all kinds of disease!”
  2. “This is ridiculous!” exclaims tattoo artist Kathryn Garcia as she inks one of your staffers with a skull tattoo. “Why punish all of us because a minority don’t use clean needles? We need less state interference, not more. Word of mouth, not government regulation, will put the ones who infect their customers out of business. It’s common sense!”
  3. “It’s about time this country banned body modification altogether!” condemns controversial religious speaker Orson Mealor. “Tattoos, piercings, and - ugh - fake nails, are all disgusting and offensive against the Creator. Holy books from all religions clearly indicate that this modification is a sin. Put some funding into religion and religious education instead to bring forward these lost souls so we can show them the true path of righteousness.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, debate rages over whether ground fish guts can be spread on fields.

2020-07-14 21:00

Dead in the Water

Massive fertilizer-fueled algae blooms in the South Gambler Sea are quickly depleting aquatic oxygen levels and suffocating marine life. Vaguely aware of this fact, you are on a poorly-planned fishing trip in the South Gambler Sea arranged by the Ministry of Agriculture. The fishing expedition is intended to impress foreign dignitaries, but you can’t help but notice that there are more strategic locales for a PR stunt, areas that aren’t a sickly brown color. All the same, you cast a line into the water, and a few seconds later the fishing rod bends and flexes wildly.

  1. “That must be a big piece of garbage. There’s no way you’ll catch any fish in that dead water,” concludes Stefanie Taffs, an unabashed nihilist and CEO of DrillBabyDrill. She jabs a finger at the open sea, adding, “This proves that it’s high time to give up on environmental regulation altogether. If you want to squeeze some more production from this pool of filth, abolish those obsolete pollution laws hindering my offshore oil rigs. There’s nothing left to protect, after all.”
  2. A hard pull on the line drags the rod out of your hands. Jiang Cartman, a retired senior captain from Something Fishy, makes a diving catch for it and wrestles with whatever is on the other end. He exclaims, “If that’s a fish, we must find out how it miraculously lives in lifeless water!” He continues to struggle with the fishing rod. “But if it’s only trash out there, then the only way to save the fishing industry - and the environment - is to strictly limit the fertilizers causing this dead zone in the first place.”
  3. With a wrench and some salty language, the captain lands the ‘fish,’ a woman in a scuba suit. Floundering on deck, she fumes, “Aggh! I can’t see anything down there, with all that gunk from the estuary! Rumor has it there’s shipwrecks down there, but I’ve never seen one. Look, the problem here is chemical fertilizer run off from farms, so why not fix the problem back at the farms with better chemicals? Oblige the farmers to add chlorine bleach to the water supply in proportion to the fertilizers they use, and your rivers and seas will boast crystal clear water!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, school lunches are made with hypo-allergenic wood pulp.

2020-07-14 15:00

Death by Chocolate

Random Chaos City’s latest scandal du jour is a tragic incident in which a 2nd grader with a peanut allergy died after a classmate shared a box of chocolate candies with peanut and caramel fillings. Now some parents are saying that Random Chaosian schools need to do more to protect students with food allergies.

  1. “How could the school allow this?” wails Sandra Harkness, the mother of the girl who died. “It’s totally irresponsible! Students shouldn’t be allowed to bring food from home and cafeterias should only serve food that no one is allergic to.”
  2. “Life is like a box of chocolates,” says renowned sprinter Forrest Gumbo, apparently oblivious to how tone-deaf he sounds. “You never know what you’re gonna get. If you ban peanuts, you’ll get a student who’s allergic to shellfish. If you ban shellfish, you’ll get a student who’s allergic to wheat. You can’t ban it all. If your kid has a food allergy, it’s up to you to make sure they know what’s safe to eat and what’s not.”
  3. “Screw you! You think I don’t talk to my kids?” snaps Howard Harkness, the father of the deceased student. “I’m not the one who gave Barbara that goddamn candy! If you want parents to be able to protect our children, then give us some control! There’s no reason for kids to be eating at school no matter where the food came from. Instead, you should invest in some decent transportation so you can send kids home for meals and let them eat with their family.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government officials have to mortgage their homes to make ends meet.

2020-07-14 09:00

A Taxing Dilemma

Citizens staged a mass protest against ‘monolithic’ tax rates after the government recently instituted the ‘Anything That’s Purple’ tax.

  1. “The tax situation in Random Chaos is ridiculous,” says Tim Huffington at the protest. “The taxes keep getting piled on and yet - I hasten to add - the government doesn’t seem to realise that they already have practically all our money! We’ve been reduced to bartering for goodness sake! I haven’t seen a decent wad of chips in years! It’s bad for Random Chaos, but more importantly, it’s bad for business. We must take huge cuts out of the government budget. Even if it does mean less education, healthcare, and whatnot.”
  2. “You can’t!” cries Ben Picard, the National Treasurer. “They don’t seem to realise that if we cut taxes, it will drastically underfund our public services! All our environmental work, our education system, our healthcare system - all will go kaput! Random Chaos depends on these taxes, we need the money! Don’t let the people fritter it away on luxuries, ‘cos they’ll soon be complaining about there not being enough policemen on the beat. We’ll tax the shirts off their backs and they’ll be damn well happy about it!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens and the Top 10% for Most Subsidized Industry and Most Advanced Defense Forces.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, college-level writing classes are taught by undergraduate editors of the school newspaper.

2020-07-14 03:30

Piled Higher and Deeper

As of late, you’ve noticed a higher concentration of scruffy-looking protesters than usual picketing outside your office. After asking around for the reason, your Education Minister finally informs you that the nation’s PhD students have been on strike for the past six months.

  1. “Finally feeling the pain of ‘The Great Graduate Student Strike’?” gloats PhD candidate Eobard Schultz, helping himself to a drink from your liquor cabinet. “We’re dedicating our lives to improving science and the arts, all for the greater good of Random Chaos. And what do we get in return? Long hours and stress counseling while we’re all probably heavily in debt! Universities can’t go on without graduate students, so throw us a line for once! Divert education funding towards the salaries of all graduate TAs and researchers while eliminating our financial burdens! Without this deal, rest assured it’s back to the picket line for us!”
  2. “I don’t see what the problem is,” notes Random Chaosian CEO Ksenya Bakker, perusing your liquor cabinet for the most expensive selection. “Don’t listen to that pretty homely dork. The free market always sorts these things out: wherever there’s a true industrial need, researchers’ salaries will become competitive. And quite personally, I don’t see any need around here. I suggest you take a page from the entrepreneurs of yore and fire every graduate picketer currently employed at state-funded schools. They can go back to being professional hamburger dispensers while our long-suffering universities finally have the opportunity to hire new students actually grateful for the chance at a job.”
  3. “What if universities could have their future scientists and professors without having to pay anything?” suggests your former math teacher, handing you a few bottles of saké to replenish your liquor cabinet. “Back home in Dàguó, we have a lot of prospective students who would love better-paying jobs. Put a halt to all government funding of graduate education while simultaneously making it easier for foreign students to immigrate. We could even pay them a stipend of a few thousand chips just for coming here. If anything, I think potential immigrants will consider this a perfectly heuristic decision for themselves.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sushi is sold on the black market.

2020-07-13 21:00

The Germ of an Idea

Over the last two months, hospitals in Random Chaos have been reporting a consistently increasing number of check-ins related to food contamination, which has fueled a debate among Random Chaosians regarding government regulations on food safety.

  1. “The rise in food poisoning is disturbing, and entirely avoidable,” asserts the Minister of Food Safety, Molly de Castro, who is also the author of the popular sightseeing guide 1001 Lavatories To See Before You Die. “Better regulation and mandatory training of anyone serving food to the public would ensure a sharp decline in food poisoning cases.” Turning slightly green, she sprints from the room.
  2. “You’re out of your mind if you’re even considering this,” asserts Vladimir Laine, owner of the small town restaurant, The Random Chaosian Gourmet. “Millions of people eat in restaurants every day, and normal people don’t have any problems! It’s just the wimps who are blowing this whole ‘food poisoning’ and ‘lack of food safety’ thing way out of proportion. Over-sterilisation of our environment weakens our immune systems. You should get rid of any ideas of food standards regulation, and we’ll all be healthier for it!”
  3. “Don’t you know what’s in those restaurants? Germs!” exclaims Bob Ruff, as he wipes his hands repeatedly with a wet-wipe. “Germs that get into your body, into your brain, and make you sick. Chefs cough in our food and serve it to us. Believe me, I know what goes on. I boil all my food for thirty minutes. It kills the germs, keeps me safe. And Leader, if you want to protect Random Chaosians, you’ll insist restaurants do the same.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, more than one company makes the board game Monopoly.

2020-07-13 15:00

Milking It

Random Chaosian consumers have seen the prices of dairy products continue to skyrocket, seemingly without reason. However, a recent exposé by an investigative journalist has finally shed light on this situation: the three largest dairy producers in Random Chaos have conspired to fix prices.

  1. “Shame! Shame! Down with the cartels!” chants Ella Han, an angry protestor, ringing a cow bell in sync with her slogans. “We’ve had to pay exorbitant prices for basic dairy foodstuffs, all because a bunch of industry fat cats decided they wanted to rip us off! You should immediately implement strict antitrust laws across all industries to prevent such collusions, and make these price-fixers pay a sizeable deterrent fine.”
  2. “What? Holy cow! We were just trying to, uh, help our farmers!” exclaims Curd Holstein, CEO of MooMoo Pure Dairy. “Supermarket price wars were driving milk rates so low that dairy farmers were running at a loss, and struggling to make ends meet. Our noble goal was to improve their lot by increasing the prices, but nobody appreciates us! You should support and congratulate us, Leader, as well as provide subsidies to the dairy industry.”
  3. “It’s a shame that we have to pay for basic commodities like this,” muses embittered socialist Jiang Nxumalo. “Look, imagine you have two cows and... no, wait, that doesn’t work. What I mean to say is that the government should pay producers a fixed tariff, and then supply a milk ration directly to the people. That will prevent greedy businesspeople from endangering people’s health for profit, and ensure that nobody will go to bed hungry!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, stolen Reuben sandwiches are met with detailed and thorough police investigations.

2020-07-13 09:00

To Catch a Beef

A rancher on the southeastern border of Random Chaos was killed during a cattle raid on his farm. The death marks a peak in a growing trend of cattle rustling around border communities.

  1. “This is a travesty!” yelps Ruby Hart, the cousin of the deceased. “Johnny lived to farm. He’d sooner jump from a bridge than hurt a fly. I tell you, these acts — these unspeakable attacks — are being committed by those damn South Nobovindians. They’re envious of our cattle. They slip across in the dead of night, steal any livestock they can and kill anyone who dares get in their way. Give us combat training, more guns, and the right to use them freely: these rustlers must be stopped at all costs!”
  2. “We don’t even know if it was the Nobovindians,” cautions City Commissioner Alina Oliver, while casually sipping on her coffee, “and it would be completely improper for us to go off half-cocked on hearsay and emotional testimony. There’s a proper investigation to have, and leveled and reasoned response to hold. Let’s not go rattling the saber over roast beef.”
  3. “They’re bastards, that’s for sure,” states a man covered in dried grass and gambler droppings. “We don’t need to catch them. We don’t need to deter them. We need to explode them. Tag a dozen cows, rig them with dynamite, let ‘em be stolen and see where the explosions come from. That’ll tell you where these thieves are. That’ll tell you where to bomb. Trust me, there’s no such thing as disproportionate retribution.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, even snitches get stitches.

2020-07-13 03:00

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Your Chief Milk Officer recently confessed to the heinous crime of leaking the location of the strategic chocolate reserve. The guilty verdict for the Chief Confectioner, once thought to be the perpetrator, has been overturned, and he is now free and back in your services. Over the course of the night’s dessert, the confectioner’s first since returning, you notice that he might have something to say when a large cake covered with piped lettering is brought out and set in front of you.

  1. The cake reads: “Remember when I was arrested and they made me take that lie detector test? Well, I have a fear of yes-or-no questions, so I failed. Polygraph tests are a bad way to investigate a suspect. They don’t account for sweaty and anxious people. I shudder to think how others with a worse condition than mine can cope with this barbaric practice. Polygraph tests should not be allowed as admissible evidence in any legal proceeding, or no more treats for you!”
  2. “This is a bunch of horse dung!” exclaims your Minister of Justice, gulping down a big piece of your cake. “Delicious! Despite the occasional outlier, like this situation, the polygraph reliably measures the indicators of a lie being told. It generally works. And just between us, assuming it is hogwash, it still would make perpetrators nervous and more likely to confess. If anything, make them the norm during interrogations.”
  3. “Oh come on! Next, you’re going to use a crystal ball in our criminal investigations,” jokes your Science Minister, dissolving the cake in an acid solution. “What we need to do is modernize our means of interrogation. With our advances in neurology, we may be able to develop a chip that measures the neural activity of its subject, giving us the ability to accurately determine if someone’s telling the truth. Give us the funding, and be ready for a safer Random Chaos!”
  4. “Bah!” utters an old Random Chaos City police officer, who is on a diet. “If you ask me, these fancy gadgets are making the police too soft. Back in the good ol’ days, we had a more hands-on approach and believe me, nothing brings honesty out of a liar better than some good old beatings.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the love has gone in Random Chaos.

2020-07-12 21:00

Can’t Get Enough of You Baby

With one of the lowest birth rates in all of The Hatrackia, several experts have warned that over time Random Chaos will face difficulties in sustaining its economy due to the increasingly ageing population.

  1. “The only way to solve this situation is to forcefully increase the population,” states demographer Palutena Scheer. “Random Chaos desperately needs new citizens to keep the economy running or society will no longer be self-sustaining. We simply must ensure that people breed. I propose a three child per household minimum, for as long as it takes to get us balanced.”
  2. “That sounds awfully draconian,” whispers Wojciech Bacon, one of your aides. “We really shouldn’t micromanage people’s lives like that. How about if we instead just outlaw contraceptives? I can’t imagine people will stop… you know… copulating. Given enough time, we’re bound to hear the joyous sound of children’s laughter in Random Chaos once again.”
  3. “Excuse me, some of us don’t want kids.” cries well-known career-woman, Malon Gilligan. “I’ve worked hard to get to where I am in my life right now, and I will not sacrifice my career and my ambitions to breed some snotty-nosed kids. Pregnancy is hard work too; nobody should be put through that. I hear that new vat-technology is doing wonders in other places. If you desperately need new brats, why don’t you just grow them all in a lab and leave us poor women out of it completely?”
  4. “You’re all wrong!” shouts Indira Mistletoe, spokesperson for the Bleeding Hearts Without Borders organization, with an aura of moral superiority surrounding her. “The answer lies not within our borders, but with the thousands of people standing just outside them. Putting new lives in the world is not the answer, when entire generations of living, breathing men, women and children are fleeing their homes in Tasmania, Marche Noire and Lilliputia every day to escape war. If we need more people, stop any immigration restrictions and grant each one of them citizenship.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens must pay to enjoy Random Chaos's pristine beaches.

2020-07-12 16:00

Get Efficient, Private Sector Tells Nature

A group of prominent business identities has proposed privatizing Random Chaos’s beaches.

  1. “Have you been to the beach lately? It’s disgusting,” says company spokesperson Jacob Khachaturian. “There’s litter, there’s teenagers smoking, and there are people enjoying themselves without paying for it. Let the private sector in on this, and Random Chaos’s beaches will be the talk of the region! And a nice little earner, too.”
  2. “Whoa, whoa, we’re privatizing beaches now?” says local campaigner Naomi Riker. “These are public spaces! All Random Chaos’s citizens have a right to enjoy them, not just the well-off. Yes, we should improve the quality of our beaches, but handing them over to the money-grabbers is not the right way to do it. The right way to do it is to boost government spending by increasing taxes.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, colleges adhere to rigid ethnic quotas for admissions.

2020-07-12 09:00

Affirmative Action in Random Chaos?

After minority student Magnus Weatherhead was refused admission to a traditional, prestigious college, civil rights activists, conservatives, and teachers are up in arms about affirmative action and ethnic equality in education.

  1. “I think you’ll find there’s actually no problem here,” observes conservative speaker and hair care product salesperson Jenna de Jong. “A student wants to go to a particular school, but lacks the grades. Clearly, he should have studied harder in school. But oh, because he’s a so-called minority, it’s everyone else’s fault. I’m sorry, but the system is working perfectly well: What gets you into a good school is merit alone. Or, failing that, a generous donation.”
  2. “Are you blind, or do you simply refuse to see?” thunders civil rights activist, former TV commentator and unabashed publicity speaker Montgomery Larkin. “Oh yes, it’s all perfectly equal, if we ignore the fact that this poor boy was stacking shelves to pay for textbooks in a falling-down school while the nice rich boys were enjoying private tutoring! Affirmative action is needed to balance out the very real disadvantages that many students grow up with! And there’s no better way to identify that disadvantage than with broad, sweeping demographics!”
  3. “I think you’re both loony,” says Sun Ryan, professor of liberal arts at Random Chaos National University. “In my humble opinion, the solution is simple: make college education free to all. Why turn away anyone? Throw open the gates and make college education available to every citizen of Random Chaos, regardless of their economic status, grades, or work ethic!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Corrupt Governments.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is a law unto itself.

2020-07-12 03:00

Government Saturated in Corruption

The government is rife with embezzlement and fraud as bribes and graft are accepted both blatantly and frequently by politicians and other government officials.

  1. “This is a systematic problem endemic of Random Chaos’s state of life,” says Richard Gruber, the president of a government watchdog organisation. “The other day I asked a police officer the directions to a restaurant and he demanded fifty chips on the spot! Even the road sweepers have to be paid not to dump rubbish in your garden! We need to inflict severe penalties on anyone abusing the system. Maybe the threat of a hanging will teach them to respect the responsibility of their positions.”
  2. “The problem is transparency,” says Yolanda Nahasapeemapetilon, member of the National Whistleblower Association. “They can do whatever they want because they have absolutely no obligation to provide the public with the details of what they’re doing. We should make all the details of any gifts or money available to the public, and make politicians accountable to the law.”
  3. “It’s really not THAT bad, is it?” asks Daisy Thiesen, your Minister of Commerce, fiddling with a large gold ring before sliding a thick envelope across on your desk. “Maybe it’s all just a prank. Maybe it will all just... go away?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, food shipments to Brasilistan have been replaced with DIY fishing rods and unintelligible instruction manuals.

2020-07-11 21:00

Hello, Is It Brie You’re Looking For?

Humanitarian NGOs are distraught after extensive news reports highlighting that food aid shipments meant for the poor, starving, and destitute in Brasilistan are not making it past the distribution centres. Reports are unsure whether or not corrupt officials are to blame, but the NGOs want you to do something about it.

  1. Cindy Krugman, a director of one of Random Chaos’s largest charities, sighs. “It’s not like this wasn’t forseen. We all knew that the government elites in control of the distribution centres in Brasilistan would look after themselves. This is what happens when you send unconditional aid unprotected like this. We have to continue the shipments, but from now on we need to send our peacekeepers to make sure the food gets to where it’s needed.”
  2. “Or we could actually stop the shipments,” your secretary says while collating some pages on your desk. “Look, there’s always going to be corruption when we’re sending them free food, so how about we spend the money on education programmes instead. You know, show the starving how to farm and hunt and make a living all for themselves. It’s like that saying, give a man a fishing rod and he does, em, well he fishes with it, and he doesn’t starve, that’s the point. We can’t forever prop them up with our food.”
  3. “I agree, stop the shipments,” your advisor Norman Rose says while playing with his hair absent-mindedly. “Stop the shipments and let the Brasilistanis fend for themselves. If they starve, they starve — let’s not forget who started this whole thing in the first place! If they want to act as savages, then let them live by the law of the savages; survival of the fittest should sort them out once and for all. And no more food aid means more resources for use at home. Win.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is spending more on exports to Brasilistan than it's receiving from tariffs on the imports.

2020-07-11 15:00

The Third Horseman of Brasilistan

International allies have formed a coalition to impose economic sanctions on Brasilistan, and as a consequence, the nation can no longer import enough basic supplies to sustain its population. As it becomes increasingly impoverished, the embargoed civilian population is dying of hunger.

  1. “We can’t stand by and let innocent men, women, and children die of malnourishment because of your government’s shortsighted actions!” cries the CEO of the Global Meal Plan, Taylor Winters. “I know you’re trying to make Brasilistan back off through economic means, but you need to please lay off some of the sanctions and embargoes and send some food aid through. You want to avoid the casualties of a war, but innocent people are still dying. I beg you, fix this.”
  2. “Brasilistan is weak, its people are dying, now’s the time to deal the killer blow,” your Minister for the Interior argues. “Of course we should send them food aid, but only if the Brasilistan government agrees to end their aggression, surrender to us, and submit their nation to our control. This little diplomatic incident will have ended, the Brasilistani will have food again, and our government can get back to spending money where it’s necessary. Everybody wins.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, toilet paper is considered a non-essential item in the embargo against Brasilistan.

2020-07-11 09:00

Sanctions, Sanctions Everywhere!

The decision to try for a diplomatic solution with Brasilistan, rather than open warfare, has been a success with the hostages released. However, aggrieved leading members of the Brasilistani government are openly encouraging vigilantes in the nation’s armed forces to hit back at Random Chaos and its interests. The debate now turns to what Random Chaos should do next to completely neutralise Brasilistan.

  1. “Extending the hand of peace was all well and good, but now we have to make sure they stay under our thumb,” your Minister for Foreign Affairs Hillary Smoochinger says candidly, taking a seat in your office. “Right now they can fall back on their military and continue to do unspeakable and violent acts - don’t forget they abducted their own children! But if we make that option unviable, then I think we’ll find them more than eager to sit down to peace talks. To cripple their military, we need to cripple their economy, and the most effective way to do this is through sanctions. We can embargo the non-essential items, and stick considerable tariffs on the stuff we do need. Eventually they’ll have to accede to our demands.”
  2. “Crippling their military is a good idea, but we don’t have the time for economics to work,” the Chief of Staff of the Armed Forces, General Dwight Powell barks. “We need to get our Navy to blockade their ports, get our Air Force to bomb their airfields and key economic centres — we don’t have to put a single soldier on Brasilistan soil and we’ll still be able to force them into submission. With blockaded ports, burning airfields, and a decimated economy, their military will have no hope of controlling the home front, let alone invading another country. They’ll be soon doing what we tell them. A little gunboat diplomacy is all we need.”
  3. “These options all sound quite expensive,” chimes in Timothy Lagarde, the Treasury Minister. “Wouldn’t it be cheaper to, perhaps, send in a few very well trained, and very deadly, operatives and have them deal with the top officials in the regime? We might find some to be very agreeable to our terms after a few intense ... ‘workouts’, we’ll call them. If they refuse to be co-operative, well, I’m sure removing them from the situation entirely might convince their successors to see our way of thinking. It’ll be cheaper for us with no long lasting effects on either nation. Everybody wins! Except for those assassinated, of course, but let’s not concern ourselves with those little details.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Nudest, the Top 5% for Most Politically Apathetic Citizens, and the Top 10% for Most Advanced Defense Forces, Most Extensive Public Healthcare, and Most Subsidized Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nightly news reports prosaically on the government blindly throwing money at despotic kidnappers.

2020-07-11 03:00

Diamonds Are an Expat’s Best Friend!

Media outlets have been buzzing about the thousands of children abducted from their remote villages across the exotic nation of Brasilistan, suspected to have been carried out on the order of their own government. Reports are coming in that the abducted children have been sent underground to mine for diamonds, Brasilistan’s most precious resource, but military intelligence suggests that some young Random Chaosian citizens living there have fallen to the same fate.

  1. “The Brasilistani government have been pursuing aggressive and provoking policies for years, especially in their attempts to annex their neighbour Marche Noire. Now they’re abducting and holding hostage not only their own children, but citizens of other countries!” booms General Tyrion Clarke, slamming his fist on the conference table and urgently gesturing to a map on the wall. “We have sat idly by and now it’s our people over there waking up in the middle of the night to bombs and soldiers destroying their homes! Leader, we must marshal our forces and intervene with the only language the Brasilistani seem to understand - violence!”
  2. “The good general is surely exaggerating the threat here,” Billy Jobrani, one of your trusted advisers responds calmly while drinking his tea. “Brasilistan is our foremost diamond trade partner, so we must approach the situation with diplomacy and targeted efforts. A knee-jerk military response is the worst thing we could possibly do here. I am confident that with some juicy incentives, the Brasilistani government will discover their error and immediately release our citizens.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bank robbers always set aside 50% of the loot to pay off the judge.

2020-07-10 21:00

Will the Real Victims Please Stand Up?

The nation is in uproar after a star football player was released from prison after spending six years behind bars for sexual assault, following new revelations that his disputant fabricated the entire incident. Leading lawyers, including your own, have asked you to take a stand against false accusations.

  1. “It’s a disgrace that all it takes to destroy a person’s life is one false allegation,” protests sleazy lawyer Wesley Springsteen, who is facing multiple sexual harassment claims. “The problem is that we’re so quick to believe these so-called ‘victims’ instead of the accused. Force them to undergo rigorous interviews and get the coppers to perform DNA tests. This will deter people from making mendacious accusations in the first place. Anyone who is found out must be jailed for the same amount of time that their so-called attacker would have been sentenced to.”
  2. “How can you have no sympathy for the injured party?” inquires Lauren Bronte, the most feared prosecutor in Random Chaos, as the men in the room all fall silent. “We absolutely should believe the victims. The harder you make it for them to come forward, the more you’ll encourage the criminals to keep doing what they’re doing. While it is unfortunate that sometimes inculpable people get caught up in the courts, it’s better to imprison a thousand innocent men than to let one rapist go free.”
  3. “You know, all this talk about false allegations has gotten me worried,” whispers your personal lawyer Bruce Haskell, as he purposely spills coffee on his crotch, then gets your young secretary to help him dry it off. “It won’t be long until one of your pesky critics accuses you of a crime to ruin your career. I say we should nip that in the bud. Quietly pass a law that protects you, your cabinet, and your lawyer from any sort of legal ramifications. You rule this country. It’s only fair that you are bound by none of its laws.”
  4. “ORDER! ORDER! Nobody has heard from me yet!” exclaims notoriously corrupt Judge Klaus Ono, while banging a gavel on your desk. “Quite frankly I don’t care who is accused or who accuses them. I think we all know what makes our justice system go around - chips. Sentencing should be based on how much both sides are able to pay up. Sure, the poor might not be able to win in this system, but hey, that’s the way the caviar crumbles!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, homeowners on prime real estate have been seen dodging giant bulldozers with cartoon characters painted on them.

2020-07-10 15:00

We Are Not Amused

Entertainment tycoon and billionaire Walter Eisner has proposed Eisnerland, a massive theme park that he wants to build in an economically impoverished area of northwestern Random Chaos. Due to the significant expense of this project, Mr. Eisner is asking for state funds to help finance it.

  1. “Eisner Enterprises has provided a great source of joy and family entertainment ever since our first animated motion picture, Robbie the Rambunctious Gambler, delighted our audiences,” says Mr. Eisner as he skips around your desk in a business suit and ‘Robbie Ears.’ “My wonderland of whimsy will increase economic growth in Random Chaos, and has a chance to become the number one tourist destination in all of The Hatrackia! Of course, we will have to move a few thousand residents out of the way, but we’ll be providing much-needed employment for the area. Now would you like to see my plans for the Experimental Prototype Community Recreation Area Project?”
  2. “This is an insane proposition,” declares Hack Kringle, bursting in with a homemade picket sign that depicts Robbie sitting on a throne of cash. “These corporate monsters are trying to evict us from our homes in order to build this megalopolis of rickety rides and greasy, overpriced corn dogs. For the well-being of our families and communities, and the reputation of our nation, please refuse to provide funds for Eisnerland and ban all new corporate projects in residential areas.”
  3. “No one thinks about the alternative possibilities for these dilemmas,” remarks Marina Romero, your Secretary of Compromises and Other Weird Solutions, who appears to be wearing a different-colored sock on each foot. “You see, the obvious answer is to move the entire project out to the desert. There are no residential areas or regulations to worry about! Sure, many people would be exhausted moving around in the scorching heat, and there aren’t any nearby restaurants, hospitals, or hotels, but perhaps the government could help pay for some of those as well.”
  4. “You can’t put a big amusement park there!” shouts artist Harry Jarvey, who is infamous for burning all of his sculptures within a week of their completion. “That desert is the site of our annual arts and radical inclusivity festival. The whole thing is based on freedom of expression and participation, not the sale of pre-packaged commercialism. To turn our cherished playa into a morass of corporate commodification would be an outrage! I insist that you prevent this Eisner fellow from leaving any trace of his vanity project in our desert - or anywhere else - and maybe have the government subsidize our event, for good measure. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to write a few more rules for next year’s festival.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the country's famous rainforests are being bulldozed by the mining industry.

2020-07-10 09:00

Uranium Deposit Promises to Enrich Random Chaos

Prospecting company Nukes4U has uncovered a large uranium deposit in Random Chaos’s south-west.

  1. “This is a terrific find!” claims Nukes4U CEO Howard Strange. “It will provide an enormous stimulus to our economy and create thousands of new jobs. It’s win-win! All we need from the government is permission to bulldoze the rainforest that’s on top of the deposit.”
  2. “You’ve got to be kidding,” says Green politician Michonne Caesar. “This rainforest is thousands of years old! This country needs more environmental protection, not less. And to destroy the environment in order to mine uranium that then goes into nuclear bombs—well, that really sticks in my craw.”
  3. “There’s no need for an either-or decision,” says the government’s Minister for Mining, Clear-Felling, and the Environment. “We can preserve most of the rainforest and allow mining of a small part. After all, think of all the good that the money from this uranium deposit can bring to Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government seeks peaceful forum with terrorists.

2020-07-10 03:00

Terrorists Strike City Centre

All of Random Chaos has been in an uproar since yesterday when a car exploded in the middle of Random Chaos City, killing dozens and injuring hundreds. This terrorist act was traced back to a violent minority group known as the Lilliputian Freedom Fighters, a group allegedly supported by an unfriendly regime, despising Random Chaos for its heathenish ways and political bent, but more particularly for supporting the recent occupation of their homeland by an ally.

  1. “They simply crossed the line!” shouts General Zack Jekyll. “Far too long have we tolerated these terrorist threats, it’s time that they realise they can’t mess with us. Send the order to prepare an invasion, and we will show them who is boss! Our brave soldiers are prepared to die for their country, all we need is your signature and a lot of money. But what is the cost of freedom and safety for Random Chaos’s peoples?”
  2. “Attacking another country isn’t the answer,” says Colin Putin, director of the Random Chaosian Intelligence Agency. “The problem doesn’t lie abroad, but within Random Chaos itself! We should have more freedom to do our work. Protecting our nation from these cowardly scaremongers would be much easier if we had an inherent right to tap phones and other communications, get search warrants whenever we need, and detain suspects indefinitely. Remember, to prevent is better than to cure.”
  3. “No, that’s what those terrorists want us to do!” speculates chairperson Jazz Wiseau of the Patriots’ Tea and Biscuits Club. “We don’t want to give the Agency any more responsibility, they’re the ones who messed up in the first place. What we need is to purge Random Chaos of these rats who don’t respect the laws and traditions of our way of life. We know who they are and where they come from, so the solution is obvious: we just won’t let those sorts of people cross our borders and kick out those who are already here. It might seem a bit harsh, but hey, we were here first. Long live Random Chaos!”
  4. “I think it’s clear to anyone with half a brain in their head that this will just not work,” says Moff Dunn, a noted professor of social studies. “The people who perpetrate these terrible crimes do so because they feel they have no other recourse to demonstrate their political opinions. They’ll do anything and I’m sure they’re not above hiring mercenaries. You must understand why terrorists act as they do and fix it! What we should do is to reach out to the ethnic and religious minorities and seek common ground! Negotiation is the key! Violence solves nothing.”
  5. “We spit on Random Chaos!” expectorates Sue-Ann Lincoln, leader of the Lilliputian Freedom Fighters. “You disrespect our people and our country and everything we are! You spread your sickening influence where it is not wanted! You must change your ways and cease to oppose us or else there will be more bloodshed. You have been warned!”
  6. “Is terrorism such a terrible thing? Really?” asks Beth Scully, avant garde journalist, discreetly sliding a pipe bomb under your desk. “These people are simply expressing their political opinion the best way they know how. I think we should legalise terrorism as a legitimate form of political commentary. It’ll certainly get people interested, don’t you think?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, boats straying just metres away from the shore will raise the ire of the Coast Guard.

2020-07-09 21:00

Lost at Sea

Years have passed since the failed search for the missing yacht Adventurer, which was reported lost with all hands, came to an end. Now it has finally been found, locked in pack ice in the ocean around Northern Brancaland. Nautical enthusiasts are asking how to prevent this from happening again.

  1. “Obviously, we need to have all recreational vessels create and submit a travel plan to my office before they leave port,” suggests your Maritime Minister, Jamil Spirit, as he places a map of coastal Random Chaos on your desk. “If they transmit a distress call, we’ll send out rescue teams to search for them. They would have to pay a small fee to cover expenses, but it will be worth it for everyone’s safety.”
  2. “Then we could spend hours looking for them,” sarcastically remarks your Technology Minister, Natalie Bronte, as she rips up the map and replaces it with a new globe. “Equip every vessel with radar and the latest GPS systems. We’ll monitor them from new tracking stations built all along the coastline, then we can send out rescue teams directly to them. The Coast Guard has been underfunded for years, I’m sure they would appreciate all these fancy new toys.”
  3. “Everyone knows that you’ll reach the Great Ice Wall if you sail too far!” exclaims fervent flat-earther, Waylon Hart, while trying to flatten your new globe with a rolling pin. “It would be too much hassle either way to track all these boats, especially when the solution is obvious: ban all recreational boating! If no one sails, no one will get trapped in ice.”
  4. “Avast! Ye government knaves have no right to dictate where me and me hearties travel!” shouts suspected pirate, Edward Teach, as he barges into your office and impales the remains of your globe with his cutlass. “The Gambler’s Revenge shall sail wherever she pleases! Ye landlubbing government scallywags must get rid of all restrictions on freedom of navigation in your territorial waters, or you’ll be walking the plank!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a National Academy regulates grammar and usage.

2020-07-09 15:00

Minority Group Demands Language Recognition

A group several thousand strong hailing from a remote, isolated corner of Random Chaos is staging a massive demonstration on the front steps of your capitol. They demand that their local dialect be recognized as an official language.

  1. Matt Locke, your Minister of Culture, has nothing but disdain for the demonstrators. “The language of Random Chaos is as important to our national identity as our history is. A truly erudite individual uses perfect grammar and refuses to speak as those ruffians do.” Your Finance Minister is quick to chime in as well, “If business is required to print every road sign, instruction manual, and fast-food wrapper in two languages, it would increase everybody’s overhead. That means higher prices for the person in the street.”
  2. “Smarker, but ee’s gone blongie ‘round the clonger! Trandy in the blang warked a newtie on the Cheebers, quaff me a duggle if it’s brine. Sorky, hang our trandy high!” says Siko Shaft, speaking for the demonstrators, in an apparently rousing response that draws a cascade of cheers. After a few uncomfortable minutes with a professional translator, you find the speaker said, “I respectfully disagree with the Minister. Multilingualism has brought stability to richly-cultured nations such as Brancaland; indeed, I challenge you to provide a single counterexample. I encourage this government to adopt a policy of multilingualism throughout Random Chaos!”
  3. Amber Barry, a radical opposition member who seems to tag along to every demonstration she can find, has her own proposal. “The language barrier is keeping us all apart. What Random Chaos needs is a new identity defined by a new language that we can all agree on. That’s unity without favoritism.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, mantis shrimp studies is academia's fastest-growing field.

2020-07-09 09:00

Devil and the Deep Blue Funding Gap

A group of scientists have come to your office hoping for grants to explore the deep blue sea.

  1. “Our lack of knowledge of the ocean is unacceptable!” lectures Jacques Zissou, Emeritus Professor of Marine Biology. “We know less about the ocean floor than we do the lunar surface. The dearth of research is absurd! Were the government to provide more funding, we could perform studies on marine life, underwater volcanoes, currents, and more. The possibilities are endless. Sure, it’ll cost a pretty chip, but the dissertations will be enthralling.”
  2. “Oh sure, let’s spend millions of chips to find out what’s in the ocean. Oh wait, I can already tell you: it’s just WATER,” your budget advisor remarks sarcastically. “There is no point in spending tax money to know what kind of dirt is on the ocean floor. The government should scrap all research projects designed without real economic benefit. The last thing Random Chaos needs is yet another harebrained scheme to study the mating habits of dolphins or something comparably ridiculous.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an increasing percentage of the population's youth have homosexual parents.

2020-07-09 03:00

Two Mommies One Too Many?

The commercial release of the controversial children’s book ‘Heather Has Two Mommies’ in Random Chaos has sparked debate over laws concerning the adoption of children by homosexual couples.

  1. “I cannot understand for the life of me why anyone could possibly be against this,” complains Jacob Kantelberg, showing up at your office wearing a pink feather boa. “Bart and I are good and caring people and will make excellent fathers, so what’s the problem? All of the scientific studies have shown that there’s no difference in the wellbeing of children raised by gay and straight couples. All that’s holding these little darlings back from the happy family life that they deserve is the outdated prejudices of some prudes. All we want is to adopt a child to call our own. It’ll be fabulous!”
  2. “I don’t care what these so-called scientific studies say,” says Whoopi Normous, representing a number of conservative religious organisations. “How can a boy hope to develop properly into a man if he’s being brought up by poofs? A father figure is not supposed to behave as if it is ‘okay’ to be, um, romantically invested in another man - and the same goes for lesbians! Why? Because it is not okay. It’ll just give them gay! Think about it: say you have two gay gamblers - they can’t have children because nature did not provide them with the tools and if God wanted gays to have kids then they would have those tools. Don’t legalise this blasphemy! Think of the children!”
  3. “This just doesn’t go far enough in my opinion,” grumbles Colleen True, an ardent opponent to homosexuality. “The more concessions we give these people, the more they’ll reduce our nation to the most embarrassing gayfest of all the region! We’ll be a joke! Homosexuality is a sin, and not only that it’s a disease of society and there’s no two ways about it. It must be criminalised and those responsible hanged just like in the good old days.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, fewer people are bathing as citizens must show ration stamps before they can turn on their faucets.

2020-07-08 21:00

Not a Drop to Drink

Random Chaos has been hit with the worst drought in a hundred years; as a result, thirsty citizens and a growing number of brown lawns are pleading for a government response.

  1. “We have no choice but to ration water,” says Michelle Trax, Chief of the Random Chaos City Department of Public Works. “We can’t afford to let what little water we have slip through our fingers. We must clamp down on how much water each person is allowed to use. If our more wasteful citizens complain because they’ll have to actually think about how much water they pour down the drain, all the better for the rest of us.”
  2. “You think too small,” sighs Foreign Secretary Tiberius Christensen, between sips from a sparkling bottle of gourmet dihydrogen monoxide. “Random Chaos may be short on water, but the rest of The Hatrackia has water to spare! Why not just import the water from abroad? Sure, it’ll cost money, but what’s worth more to the people of Random Chaos, a little tax money or their most basic physical needs? Our neighbors wouldn’t dream of cutting off the water, right?”
  3. “This drought is a warning sign sent by our Creator!” shouts a strangely familiar-looking man who has just walked in from the desert clad in camel hair and sandals. “If this nation will only turn from its wicked ways and hearken unto our God, surely He shall grace us with water once more!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sales of fishnet stockings have reached a record high.

2020-07-08 15:00

Give the Red Light District the Green Light?

After a recent survey discovered that nearly 40% of all citizens in Random Chaos are single, there has been an increasingly loud call for the legalisation of prostitution.

  1. “I just can’t get a girl no matter what I do,” laments acne-afflicted nerd, Dick Bell. “If the cops would just look the other way about prostitution, it’d make my life much easier. Yeah, I’d be risking all sorts of diseases, but it’s my body isn’t it?”
  2. “We can’t allow this to happen!” protests Dr. Randy Grimes, senior pathologist of Random Chaos’s largest hospital. “Prostitution is a dangerous business and must remain illegal! People need to be more aware of the consequences that could follow like the risk of contracting HIV, chlamydia, or even syphilis. I say we get some funding for a large awareness programme on sexually transmitted diseases and maybe then people will act responsibly between the covers. It’ll be expensive sure, but well worth it.”
  3. “Not so fast now!” interjects daring entrepreneur, Wendy Myers. “Why don’t we just have the prostitution industry run by the government? By letting the government regulate prostitution, Random Chaos can force any patrons to undergo tests for diseases, make prostitutes have regular medical check-ups and pay a portion of their earnings to the government. Of course we’d still have to put more policemen on the streets to keep illegal brothels from popping up and make sure the hospitals are equipped to handle the extra workload, but you can always raise taxes to account for that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, torture is illegal.

2020-07-08 09:00

No Pain, No Gain!

Due to the recent capture of a foreign terrorist in Random Chaos, high-level military officials want the government to authorize torture to extract information about other terrorist activities.

  1. “Torture is the only way that we can get these idiots to tell us anything,” says General Renee Meyer of Random Chaos’s special forces division. “After all, violence is the only shared language we have with these scum.”
  2. “Are you kidding?” states political activist Zeke Strange. “Torture never works. If anything, it should be outlawed. What do we want to become, genocidal maniacs?”
  3. “There’s nothing wrong with torture, but we can’t make it too obvious,” says Secretary of Defense Commodus Butt. “How about we simply ask them nicely, and then, if they don’t tell us, we kill them? That’s better just from the intimidation.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, retirement homes are often fitted with luxurious suites.

2020-07-08 03:00

Pensioners in Protest

Falling standards at Random Chaos’s retirement homes have prompted OAPs to take to the streets and demand better treatment.

  1. “There needs to be more done for the elderly,” says Lucy Fox, a resident of ’This Old Man’ retirement home. “We can’t work to support ourselves anymore, and the pensions we get are measly. We need more benefits such as higher standards of living, free bus tickets, and a continuous supply of chips. All it requires is a little more generosity on the part of the tax payers - after all, we fought the war for their sort.”
  2. “I’m not giving any of my hard-earned wages to a bunch of old fossils,” says Sancho McCloud, a devout taxpayer. “If they weren’t smart enough to save enough money for their later years, then why should the government pay out for them now? They had their chance and they didn’t take it. If they really want money so bad, they can go out and work for it like everyone else.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, discarded pennies litter the streets.

2020-07-07 21:00

Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?

Since the minting of pennies is twice as costly as the coin’s stated value, the idea of removing the smallest fractions of the chip has been brought to your attention.

  1. “We are wasting MILLIONS of chips on minting pennies!” raves an unusually passionate policy advocate, Olivia Garza, while handing out ‘Penny Dreadful’ t-shirts to all your staff. “And all so people have to waste time scrambling through their purses and wallets just to dig out one hundredth of a chip. Many nations in The Hatrackia have already abolished their most worthless coins. It’s time for Random Chaos to follow suit.”
  2. “That flies in the face of all our time-honored traditions,” counters another advocate, this one bedecked in full period dress. “Our favorite national hero is portrayed on the storied one-cent coin, so it would be unpatriotic to discard the penny as worthless scrap. Especially since pennies lower prices slightly for the poorest of the poor. Very, very slightly.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Psychotic Dictatorship" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, concert pianists lie about their occupation to avoid ridicule.

2020-07-07 15:00

Maestro, Please

A delegation from the Random Chaos Philharmonia has shown up in your office, underlining their petition for the renovation of the nation’s concert halls with a serenade.

  1. “The once venerable concert halls of Random Chaos are in a sorry state,” laments trombonist Alexandra Doolittle, emptying her spit valve into your waste paper basket. “Some are dank, the stucco is crumbling in others, and it’s raining through the backstage roof of another! In the name of culture we must restore these halls to their former glory. It’s only a pittance to the national budget, but to our cultural reputation? Priceless.”
  2. “These caterwauling miscreants don’t deserve concert halls,” insists Dennis Lennon, a tone-deaf curmudgeon. “If they can’t support their hobby, then why should we, the suffering taxpayers, prop them up? Concert halls are businesses, and businesses that can’t stay afloat on their own disappear. Such is life. I say leave the whole lot to their inevitable demise.”
  3. “Times are tight. I sympathize with you,” consoles Kanya Scheer, the CEO of Restorations R Us, handing you a decorative ‘Hang In There’ basket of goodies. “However, you need only ask, and - quick as a whip - my company will fund the construction of concert halls all across this fair country. All I ask is that we put up some advertisements in the lobbies and integrate a tasteful nod to sponsors into the programmes.”
  4. “The only reason to fund these musicians is if they are doing something worthwhile for their country,” says Brigadier General Nikita Bach. “I’ve long said that Random Chaos’s Armed Forces would benefit greatly from a spic-and-span band in uniform. They would represent the splendor that embodies Random Chaos and they’d do it with pride! Of course by extension, they would be a part of the active forces and required to serve in battle if necessary. Always good to up the recruitment numbers, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, old spellbooks are only useful as door-stops or toilet roll substitute.

2020-07-07 09:00

The Magic’s Gone

The government’s stance endorsing the practice of magic and sorcery has always raised some eyebrows amongst world leaders. Now it seems that spells that ought to work are not giving repeatable results, and sometimes don’t seem to do anything at all. A cabal of five magi have come to advise you on the reasons for these sorcerous failings.

  1. “Magic ebbs and flows like the tide. Today, a spell fails — tomorrow, it succeeds beyond your expectations,” explains Magical Headmaster Godric Elminster. “If you encounter setbacks, you keep your chin up and march on. Have a little faith in the High Art, and in the powers of magic that exist invisibly all around us.”
  2. “Hold on, maybe we need to be more active in looking for an answer,” suggests Arcanist Rowena Dresden. “If we want to cast spells, we’re going to need a source of magical power. I suggest we set up an agency to hunt down legendary artifacts and mythical creatures. If only we knew more about fabulous beasts and where to find them, I’m sure we could get our thaumaturgy flowing.”
  3. “Look, the important thing here is not how much power you wield, but how much power you appear to wield,” suggests Salazar Constantine, a street wizard, lighting up a cigarette despite the No Smoking sign in clear view. “You need to make announcements that Random Chaos’s magical puissance is growing on a daily basis, and arrange for a few large scale stage illusions to back up that lie. This will have practical benefits too: as the scepticism of the masses decreases, magic will flow back into the world, enabling true wizards like me to cast real spells for you. Honest truth, guv, would I lie to you?”
  4. “Let’s not be afraid to name magic as a failed experiment,” offers ever-practical will-worker Helga Ged. “Look, we all wanted magic to be the solution to our problems, but when it comes down to it, hard work and elbow grease are what gets things done. Me, I’m putting down my wizard’s staff and taking up a fishing rod. It’s time we got back to basics.”
  5. “Actually, my own spells have been working fine,” reports a smug little alchemist, who insists he must not be named. “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy’s first law of Equivalent Exchange. Make the necessary sacrifices and you’ll find that there’s magical power aplenty to be had.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Politically Apathetic Citizens and Nudest and the Top 10% for Most Authoritarian and Most Advanced Defense Forces.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Psychotic Dictatorship".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pro-wrestling bouts open with a legal disclaimer insisting that any violence is guaranteed 100% faked.

2020-07-07 03:00

Outside the Box

Heavyweight boxer Zack Jammeh faced a lot of criticism when — during a press conference before a title fight — he yelled at his opponent that he was planning to “smash in your skull, bash your brain pan, and send you to the morgue”. This prediction proved to be true, with a punch to the temple fracturing his opponent’s skull, killing him. Now people are asking if the boxer should be held to account for his words and actions.

  1. “That was just trash talk!” yells the boxer, punching the wall angrily. “It’s not like I actually wanted to kill him. You can’t hold an athlete accountable for what happens in a sporting arena. Write that down. Make it a law.” He waves a fist at you for emphasis.
  2. “We all heard the threats, then watched the murder happen!” weeps Maria Powers, mother to the deceased boxer. “This was a premeditated act, a killer punch aimed in a way that he knew would be lethal! The law needs to recognise that threats are threats and crime is crime, no matter the sporting context.”
  3. “Why is it so surprising that when pitting psychos against each other, death happens?” asks action movie actor Commodus Wiggum, brushing foundation onto his cheeks. “Look, what you should do is ban boxing and other combat sports. If people want to see exciting fight action, they can watch me — or my team of carefully trained stunt doubles — simulate fighting on the silver screen. It’s called acting, darling, and it’s what we civilised sorts prefer.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, public nudity is compulsory.

2020-07-06 21:00

Nudists Demand Time in Sun

A loose coalition of sartorially-challenged individuals known as “Let It All Hang Out” has called on the government to relax public nudity laws.

  1. “For too long, our bodies have been trapped in these prisons of cotton and polyester!” yells protester Marlon Grant, while apparently developing a nasty case of sunburn. “We must repeal the puritanical laws that make public nudity a crime. My body—my choice to dangle!”
  2. “I agree,” muses sociology professor Sigourney Mulcair. “But I don’t think the protestors are going far enough. Public nudity shouldn’t be an option: it should be compulsory. Nudity is highly liberating. And it would put that disgusting “Hooters” out of business once and for all.”
  3. “Whoa, whoa,” says noted accountant Ashley Tan. “Are these people serious? The last thing I want to see when I’m out for a coffee is some lumbering, over-weight nudist coming down the sidewalk toward me. If people want to get naked, they can do it in the privacy of their own homes. Think of the children!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, police officers often head to work wearing onesies and fluffy pink bunny-slippers.

2020-07-06 15:00

These Heels Weren’t Made for Working

Mrs. Gertrude Tesla recently retired after 40 years working as a hotel receptionist. Severe arthritis of her feet - attributed by her doctors to a lifetime of wearing high-heeled shoes - has led to a great difficulty in walking even a short distance.

  1. “My feet are killing me,” bemoans Gertrude, “and it’s all the fault of a ridiculous dress code forced on me by my employers. I’ve been crippled by my work, and now I’m stuck with pain and loss of mobility. The government should ban employers from making particular clothes a condition of work. It’s frankly sexist when us women are forced to wear high-heeled shoes! If I can save just one person from experiencing the torture I’m suffering now, then it will have been worth the effort of walking here today.”
  2. “What’s wrong with wanting staff to look professional?” queries Lance Chavez, staff manager at the renowned Iddiott-Hellton Hotel. “We just want our employees to look respectable while they’re dealing with clients. Nobody forced this old girl to take this job! Look, Leader, if you really want to help, maybe you could set an example by seeing to your own attire. Honestly, everything you are wearing could use a hot iron and some starch.”
  3. “You know, messing with dress code rules could be a lot of fun!” giggles your brother, seeming even more deranged than usual. “We could make all the men wear suits of armour on a Tuesday, clown suits on a Wednesday or Dogman costumes for the second week of every month. And you force the ladies into maid costumes or air hostess uniforms. C’mon, you’ve gotta make this happen. It would be so great!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, political dissidents are cut off from essential services.

2020-07-06 09:00

Random Chaos Is Never Ever Getting Back Together... Like Ever

After a printing error on the official Random Chaosian map left off the tiny Gambler Peninsula, its sole inhabitant, Mike Ronation, declared independence from Random Chaos. Following his arrest of a mailman who failed to enter the “proper customs”, a group of concerned citizens have asked you to address the threat posed by Mr. Ronation. His protest has already spawned several secessionist movements almost overnight.

  1. “Traitor!” roars Xanatos Mendez, a controversial nationalist politician, before screaming a tirade of obscenities. “This is absolutely ludicrous. We have to send a message to people like this Ronation scumbag! You do not secede from Random Chaos. It’s that simple. For the good of our glorious Free Land, we must invade and bomb Ronation’s home. In fact, once this is all over, we should have our military patrol the streets of this great country to send a message to other terrorists who are thinking of doing the same thing. Sure, some people might call this an invasion of freedom of speech, but for the sake of national unity, we must clamp down on the other ingrates following in his footsteps.”
  2. “That won’t be good for PR,” chimes in your spokesperson, Chris Stoker, while drafting your latest speech. “Considering how Mr. Ronation is no longer a part of Random Chaos, he should no longer be entitled to our services. The more humane thing to do would be to ignore him, save for cutting off all essential services like water, electricity, and telecoms. We won’t need to wait long before Mr. Ronation begs us to take him back. We can of course tax the Violet out of him when he returns. That will be much more effective - and cheaper - than sending in the troops. Then the groups he inspired will surely fall back in line!”
  3. “Making him needlessly suffer seems a tad bit extreme,” suggests Mike’s concerned grandmother Daenerys Butler. “Sure, I’m a little upset that Mike doesn’t want to be part of our wonderful country and that he tried to snap that mailman’s neck, but you have to look at it from both perspectives. If the government wants to win back Mike and the secessionists he instigated, they could start by allowing greater autonomy to regions that want it. I’m sure that Mikey will gladly return to us if you show a little love and understanding.”
  4. “The government can suck up to Mike as much as it wants, but it won’t change a thing,” rebuffs Jacques Strap, leader of a secessionist movement inspired by Mike Ronation’s protest. “There is no excuse for the government to be treating Mike as a criminal when he has done nothing wrong. The government needs to leave him alone. In fact, the government should allow anyone to separate from Random Chaos, so we can finally be free from the oppressive force of big government.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Advanced Public Transport.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, family trees become bare as entire branches are lopped off.

2020-07-06 03:00

Guilt by Association

A former member of your cabinet has just been executed for masterminding a plot to assassinate you and take power. While most are now satisfied that the threat has been dealt with, one particularly paranoid adviser has raised the issue of the deceased’s family.

  1. “These scoundrels are tainted by the crime of their kin,” says one of your fervently loyal ministers, as she shows you information on the family along with their pictures. “Treachery runs in their blood and we must rip it out, root and stem. The only solution is to execute the entire family as well. If you don’t, they will rise up and destroy us in revenge for what we did... It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
  2. “I think executing them is a little bit extreme,” counters your sister as she looks over the documents of the family. “If you’re really that worried about them, you could always just put them in prison. It’s more humane and it keeps potential threats out of the way.”
  3. “Come on, what century are we living in?” inquires your niece as she gently brushes your hair with a pink My Little Horsey hairbrush. “Show some mercy and let them know that they are safe under your regime. This will show you as a merciful and compassionate ruler, and leniency may very well inspire loyalty in them. I’m sure this will alleviate any bitterness they feel about their loved one being killed.”
  4. “I’m not too sure about just letting them carry on with things as normal,” says your perpetually suspicious Secret Police Chief. “Let them think they are in your good books, but keep a close eye on them for the rest of their lives. Constant surveillance will make sure they don’t get up to anything seditious.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, coastal cities are being moved a dozen miles inland to reduce flooding risk.

2020-07-05 21:00

All Shook Up

Thousands of people were forcibly evacuated from a small town in North Random Chaos because of a predicted earthquake... which did not arrive. Weeks later, displaced residents are irate at the inconvenience.

  1. Dressed in several-day-old pajamas, angry retiree Eve Bender clambers over security to reach your desk. “I fled my home to avoid an earthquake, and I had to live in my sister-in-law’s house for weeks! I hate my sister-in-law! I demand an end to mandatory evacuations, and that the so-called ‘scientists’ be fined for making terrible predictions!”
  2. “It’s not our fault,” sighs bedraggled geologist Rebecca Grossman, pushing her glasses back onto her nose. “The problem is that we’re poorly funded and under-equipped. All we can do is make best guesses most of the time, and that’s to predict big aftershocks after small earthquakes. What we need is a grid of networked seismographs at one-mile intervals all across Random Chaos, higher wages to attract the best and brightest into seismology, and warning klaxons to tell people when to evacuate. Why, we’ll be able to predict earthquakes just seconds after they happen!”
  3. “I knew I shouldn’t have gone out of the house today!” cries full-time worrier Penny Nagasawa, adjusting a tight-fitting home-made protective bubble-wrap bodysuit. “If an earthquake was predicted but didn’t happen, who is to say it isn’t on its way? That town should never have been built in such an area of risk of quakes! We need to make sure all our population centers are in areas with no risk of earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, volcanoes, and landslides. I’m sure everyone would appreciate being safer!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tax evaders are regularly visited by agents of the Random Chaos Blood Tithe.

2020-07-05 15:00

Taxpayers on Strike!

The latest budget reports have marked a steady decline in Random Chaos’s monthly income. A study initiated by your treasurers has revealed that many of your nation’s citizens are not paying their taxes.

  1. “Damn right we’re not!” exclaims Michael Blofeld, one of many citizens protesting in front of your office. “Your oppressively high taxes are picking our pockets and robbing us of our livelihood. No more, we say! The government may call us tax cheats, but that’s just because it’s afraid to call us the PATRIOTS that we are! Cut the tax rate, and we’ll think about paying again.”
  2. “Random Chaos can’t survive when people don’t pay their taxes!” retorts Sonequa Hamilton, the head of Random Chaos’s Revenue Bureau. “Citizens may feel that they need to keep all of their chips, but the government needs it too! Without taxation, how can we build roads, schools and hospitals? How can we protect the people from themselves? We need to give the police broad powers to lay down the law on these tax-evading scum until they pay up.”
  3. “Scum is such a harsh word. Everyone has something worthwhile to contribute, as my mother always said,” says Ayla Normous, controversial social theorist and fountain of homespun folk wisdom. “Even if they won’t pay their taxes, folks ought to have other ways to pay back into society. They could spend some time with the civil service or military reserve, for example. And goodness knows, blood and organ donation rates aren’t as high as they could be. A pint of blood or a good kidney ought to pay a tax bill right proper.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young and brooding teens are welcomed with open arms to the Dogwarts School of Strangeness and Sorcery.

2020-07-05 09:00

Any Witch Way Spells Disaster

In remote villages of Western Random Chaos, mobs of angry villagers have taken to lynching women accused of witchcraft. Concerned citizens have come to you for answers.

  1. “Well, someone had to do it!” yelps self-appointed head of one of the border town’s lynch mobs, Edward Salem. “That lady was commitin’ witcheries left and right, turned my nephew into a newt she did! I mean... he got better, but that’s besides the point! The gov’ment needs to let us protect ourselves and rid our peace lovin’ towns of these foul she-devils!”
  2. “No no, that won’t work,” says a tall, dark-haired mysterious stranger walking into your office with a gust of wind stirring his long duster coat and hat. He throws a crossbow onto your desk before continuing, “These simple folk do not have the honed skills to hunt witches or any other devil of the night for that matter. But I am a monster hunter. If you set up a sanctioned guild, then we can properly hunt these necromancers.”
  3. “We’d appreciate it if you would all kindly mind your own business,” chastises Hermione Potter, who is dressed in a long black robe and pointed hat. “Our traditions are centuries old, and it is about time the government stepped in and protected us. You’d do well to build us a proper school away from these barbar— oh honestly Ronald, give me that,” she takes a carved wand from a young red-headed boy, “it’s Lo-go-phil-ia Levi-o-sa, make the ‘phil’ nice and long.”
  4. “Where shall I begin?” coolly starts the head of the local planetarium, Dr. Carl deLawne Dyson. “These people, these simple farmers, they are taking what they don’t understand and they are calling it witchery. This sort of unsubstantiated ignorance must be stamped out. There is no such thing as witches, plain and simple. We need to start working towards a future free from these backwards superstitions at whatever cost.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Advanced Law Enforcement.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tax-payers are funding ever more extravagant movie projects.

2020-07-05 03:00

Jumping the Sharknado

After another movie season dominated by sequels, remakes and spin-offs, cinema buffs have come to your office begging for action.

  1. “What happened to the classics of days gone by?” rhetorically questions renowned film critic Robert Sherbert. “The Random Chaosian movie industry used to be known for such masterpieces as ‘The Modfather: Part One’, ‘A Clockwork Violet’, and ‘Once Upon A Time In The West Pacific’, not the drivel they’re putting out these days. If studios want to release films in Random Chaos they should give us something original.”
  2. “I didn’t become a director to make films like ‘Rise Of The Planet Of The Gambler Revisited’,” gripes Gene Grossweiner. “But it’s all the studios will sanction. It’s such an expensive business making movies, and given the risks it’s no wonder we play it safe. Perhaps if the government were to underwrite our projects, I’d finally get a chance to finish ‘Heaven’s Door’.”
  3. “Haha!” chortles Ed Nahasapeemapetilon, while watching ‘Mad Max vs. Jar Jar Binks 2: The Unrated Edition’ on his smartphone. Shovelling another handful of popcorn into his mouth, he turns to interject, “Oh my god, this is the best part, guys. Will you keep quiet back there?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the number of judges has tripled in recent months.

2020-07-04 21:00

Summary Injustice

An anti-corruption case accusing a Constitutional Court Judge of abusing his power was recently dismissed without trial, because the same Constitutional Court Judge said that he was ‘too tired to read the case notes’. After a week of bad press, the national ombudsman is demanding that you review the case personally, as it has become a cause célèbre within the legal community.

  1. “The system in place is a mockery of justice, beholden to the whims and corruptibility of individual judges,” lectures Ombudsman Adele Hawkins, who is once again concerned with the plight of the common man. “The little guy doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell when one biased judge gets to decide everything! We simply must bring back trial by jury for all criminal cases, or else our legal system will be considered as hopelessly corrupt as Maxtopia’s.”
  2. “Why would we ever trust legal judgment to the untrained and unwashed masses?” asks Justice Mario Organa over tea and scones in his tower-shaped house, which appears to be made of ivory. “Only the legal elite are sufficiently educated to decide cases properly, especially on such complicated matters as criminal law. Uphold the decision of the Constitutional Court, and let me also sentence those annoying agitators for wasting the court’s precious time with this nonsense.”
  3. “I’ll admit it: unilateral judgement is a flawed system,” observes Clotho Cerberus, one of the three Cerberus sisters, who is promptly interrupted by her sibling Lachesis Cerberus. “But I also acknowledge my sister’s point that citizen juries lack the legal knowledge to make sound judgments.” Atropos Cerberus then interrupts the other two siblings, “So why not have all courts run by a triumvirate of judges, with a two-to-one majority needed to impose sentences? That way, no one bad seed can corrupt the entire judiciary.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens have voted the song "Leader Smells Like A Gambler" as their new national anthem.

2020-07-04 15:00

Sound Judgement

At a recent international sporting event, Bigtopian fans proudly sung their national anthem: Bigger And Cleverer. Meanwhile, the Random Chaosians in the crowd each sang half a dozen different tunes, highlighting the fact that Random Chaos still doesn’t have an official national anthem.

  1. “We need to have a grand old national anthem,” reminiscences retired war veteran Hillary Räikkönen. “It ought to be a strong, rousing tune to unite a broken nation. A proud tune for a proud people! Put in some references to a flag stained in the blood of the enemy: if the unpatriotic moralising minority doesn’t like it, then they can get the heck out!”
  2. “That’s not what Random Chaos stands for in our modern age,” rebuffs avant-garde composer Mario Wright. “We’re a pan-cultural nation of pan-humanity. I’ve composed an audiotheatrical tribute to the tribe of all life, with whale-song, echoing voices in ethnic dialects, and the laughter of children. I call it The Peace of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Riiiiight. A whale-song national anthem? He can definitely ‘PEACE OFF’!” replies annoying pun-spitting radio DJ Shelia Egan. “Of CHORUS we need something catchier and poppier. We shouldn’t be aVERSE to a bit of JINGLEISM. Why not let the listeners vote for an anthem? You could call it... COUNTRY’S music. Ha ha, I’m so funny!”
  4. “We don’t need subject matter to worry about or lyrics for the plebs to sing,” chimes in snobby classical musician Aria Looney, smacking your staffer’s head with a flute. “We must create a modern masterpiece, a magnum opus that will raise Random Chaos’s spirits, a musical composition to define our nation. Summon the nation’s greatest composers and an orchestra of the finest musicians. We’ll give you a National Symphony and an anthem that will last forever!”
  5. “National anthem? Bah!” scoffs resident anarchist and constant thorn-in-your-side Ed Shewhart. “We don’t need this government forcing that patriotic drivel down our throats! Besides, most Random Chaosians are terrible singers! That’s the last thing I want to hear at a football game!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, recruitment posters proclaim the army to be both fabulous and fashionable.

2020-07-04 09:00

We Need a Few Good Men Who Like Men?

With military recruitment numbers down, there’s been some discussion in civilian circles of relaxing ‘sodomy’ regulations in the armed forces in order to allow homosexuals to serve openly. However, with the occasional reports from the field of suspected homosexuals being beaten by their squadmates, some wonder if such measures are really appropriate for the notoriously conservative culture of the military.

  1. “There will never be room for gays in our God-fearing service,” says Army Chaplain Orel Roze, absent-mindedly fingering the religious device of his office on his lapel. “I mean, uh, think about what it would do to morale. In the military men have to eat, live, and sleep in extremely close quarters and even consensual sexual relationships in the chain of command leads to leadership problems. It’s just a natural extension of fraternization rules... and not only that, but our current policy is actually a service to the poor misguided souls, since it prevents any temptation to act on their given perversion... I mean preference.”
  2. “God doesn’t enter into it,” says Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Angela Park, head shaking. “Times are changing, and people are becoming more accepting of homosexuals. We have women in the military, and that surely leads to ‘temptation’, but for the most part everyone’s quite professional about it. Allowing homosexuals to serve openly will increase our recruitment pool and actually simplify things; just look at the Navy: hundreds of horny men in steel boxes in the middle of the ocean for up to six months at a time... there has to be a reason that people volunteer for that, right?”
  3. “This coming from some pampered soul in the Chair Force,” scoffs Commander Don Vercingetorix, calling in via satellite from aboard a destroyer. “Inter-service rivalries aside, ever read some of those ancient sagas about cities being besieged? Those ancient cultures had no problem with homosexuality; actually, it strengthened their resolve and spirit because they were literally fighting alongside their lovers, and anyone in the service will tell you it’s all about the guy standing next to you. Now, what if—and this is just a hypothetical, mind—based on this and to counter years of discrimination, only homosexuals were allowed to serve?”
  4. “That’s... interesting, but it doesn’t really address the problem, does it?” asks Lance Corporal Kellyanne Cox, part of your honor guard. “Let’s look at it this way: only ten percent of the population is homosexual, right? No matter what, the majority will be heterosexual. We want homosexuals to serve, but there will always be a backlash against them. No regulation changes are needed if you just pen a policy where sexual orientation becomes a taboo subject in discussion—not like it’s anyone’s business to talk about their sexual interests in a professional military, right? This way homosexuals can serve, albeit quietly, and be happy, and the moral conservatives stay happy since the military is still ‘officially’ anti-gay. Of course, if anyone’s pulled out of the closet, their career is instantly over, but that’s the cost of compromise.”
  5. “We still have a military?” questions your Minister of Peace, scratching his unruly hair and smelling none too vaguely of patchouli. “Man, I thought we got rid of those war pigs and all that enlistment hoopla ages ago. Y’know, if you’d just listen to me and go with flowers instead of firearms, this whole gays-in-the-military thing wouldn’t be such a buzzkill all the time. Hey, speaking of buzzes, I just got these mighty strong Brancalandian Blues from a guy I know. I’m on one right now and they are far OUT. You wanna expand your mind with me? No? That’s cool too.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Cheese Export Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the new cheese tax is colloquially known as "wheel welfare".

2020-07-04 03:00

Uncultured Singles in Your Area

Qraft of Random Chaos, the largest dairy corporation in the nation, is facing grating criticism in the form of letters and protests involving blue cheese stink bombs. The denunciation of the company comes from independent rural cheesemakers angered over the production of individually wrapped slices of processed cheese, or singles. Cheese traditionalists, dairy dons, and queso collectivists have intruded on your peaceful lunch at the Random Chaos City Deli to make their voices heard over the sounds of the mechanical slicing of cheese.

  1. “Zese vile Random Chaosian corporations are appropriating ze label of cheese, as if le plastique is authentique!” laments the passionate and flamboyant Vincent Fromage, Brancaland’s famous cheese connoisseur, as he smears moose brie on a slice of toasted bread. “Zese bland mockeries of real cheese are a disgrace to this nation’s cheesemaking heritage. Ze corporations should be restricted from calling zese glorified napkins ‘cheese’ and save that label for propeur products like Brancaland’s wondeurful blocks and roulettes, or Smalltopian Muenster, or...” He stops to clean breadcrumbs off his flashy suit.
  2. “That’s not enough to stop FAKE CHEESE! My comrade is merely a petty bourgeois puppet for the Random Chaosian Chiefs of Cheddar,” exclaims Karl Engels Bryndza, a notorious Brancalandian social and economic reformer and part time milk-sourer, as he consumes a grilled Random Chaos City Jack sandwich. “REAL cheese traditionalists are tired of the oppression systematically imposed by dairy corporations. I say it’s time for us, the real cheesemakers, to take control! Seizing the means of production if you will. We will strip away the tyranny of those corrupt corporations like Qraft!”
  3. A large figure emerges from the shadows of the deli’s backroom. “Alas, only when it comes to cheese do these Marxists seem to care about our culture,” sighs the immense silhouette of Qraft’s CEO, known only as The Big Cheese. “These uneducated peasants always threaten to regulate industry, or even seize control of the nation’s companies. My company has every right to call our processed singles ‘cheese,’ even if they happen to be wobbly slices of soured milk, orange coloring, and emulsifiers. You don’t expect citizens to buy ‘individually-wrapped cheese product’ or ‘pre-sliced cheese substitute,’ do you?”
  4. “What a bunch of radical lunatics!” remarks Wolfgang Franklin, mayor of a dairy village in the Random Chaosian countryside. “Biggie Cheese over here and that Karl Angle character are using a topic as trivial as the production of cheese to increase their power and influence. However, Mister Cheese was right about leaving the processed cheese industry alone.” He eats a cube of smelly gambler cheese with a toothpick. “Many of these bumpkins, I mean craftsmen, live in poverty. Giving them a little assistance would satisfy the blessed cheesemakers, and ensure that they stick to making authentic Random Chaosian cheese rather than intervene with the productivity of our processed cheese single factories.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaos City Prison Revue puts on a better stage show than anything in the Theatre District.

2020-07-03 21:30

Don’t Be a Busk-Kill

A recent video shoot of newly sworn-in cabinet ministers being broadcast on live TV was disrupted by an enthusiastic but loud vuvuzela-player busking nearby. Most viewers reported they couldn’t hear a word being spoken over the noise. This incident has raised some smiles, but also sparked a debate over busking in general.

  1. “NOISY PESTS!” yells inner city resident Newt Octavian, straight into your left ear from just two feet away. “While I’m trying to get my beauty sleep at 3 in the afternoon, I’m being disturbed by moronic musicians, talentless thespians and hopeless harlequins! They’re just beggars, but with added irritation and noise. Ban busking! Lock up these feckless fools!”
  2. “Eish! Em not justa musician, mos,” protests Jabulani van Dyke, the busker in question, “Em a one-man entertainment experience, with Hlokoloza dancing for the bokkies an’ gooses, crazy naartjie juggling and even face painting for the laaities! Surely busking adds a bit a music and colour to life, nè? The government should pay buskers to be on every street. Let’s make everyone’s life happier now now!”
  3. “I know a way we could make both sides happy,” remarks your Minister for Fine Arts, Ariel Columbus, pressing play on her cassette of patriotic anthems to create the right mood. “We could introduce national performance licenses, and only allow public performance by those who have attained a certain standard. As a nice side effect, this will let us make sure that our nation’s culture is both highbrow and patriotic.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has awarded itself a month-long holiday to celebrate its achievements.

2020-07-03 15:00

404 Issue Not Found

Upon arriving at your desk early this morning, you were stunned to find there weren’t any dilemmas to resolve.

  1. “Well it’s not surprising, is it?” pipes up Dana Bone from your entourage. “Every day, you expect the people of Random Chaos to come to you with their problems. Would it hurt you, for once, to go out and ask them what they want you to do?”
  2. “They’ve given up!” grumbles Hugo Han, ever the pessimist, “and I don’t blame them. All these decisions, made with the best of intentions, and they always go wrong. From tax code reform to that incident with Brasilistan, nothing ever goes quite the way it should. Just give up, and let someone else call the shots for once.”
  3. “Nonsense!” trills the annoyingly chirpy Miranda Nxumalo, pirouetting around your office. “There’s just nothing left to fix. Yes, Leader, that’s right. It’s perfect. Random Chaos, Random Chaosians, you. All perfect.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, retail stores have reported mile-long lines after the ban on video games was lifted.

2020-07-03 09:00

Plug in and Play

Bored by their games of breeze block Tetris and live action Pong, former gamers have arrived in droves to protest against the ban on video games. The gamers, dressed as their favorite Maxémon characters, have asked that you bring back their controllers and consoles.

  1. “Well, um... you see here, this research shows that video games improve hand-eye coordination, decision-making skills, and encourage creativity and problem solving,” mumbles the meek, bespectacled, and incredibly uncharismatic Barbie Dawson, shuffling some papers on your desk awkwardly. “I mean, yeah, the games can be addicting and maybe some people were copying what they were doing in the games in real life. You still shouldn’t punish everyone just because some noobs can’t tell the difference between fiction and reality.”
  2. “Our children have never been healthier!” joyously exclaims your Minister For Youth And Families, pushing aside disgruntled teens. “Children are actually bothering to learn about their world and getting fresh air and exercise. The problem isn’t that they haven’t got their digital toys. The problem is that you haven’t given them anything to replace it with. Fund more museums, parks, and libraries, and force these tykes to make use of them. The next generation will be better than ever! Sure, it might cost a pretty penny, but it’s for the children.”
  3. “For the children?” yells the stern 64-Star Commodore Finn Kwan, causing the younger children to run away in tears. “When I was a kid, nobody cared about what I wanted. I studied, exercised, and worked my behind off, as these punks should be doing now!” The Commodore glares at the remaining children, causing them to flee the room. “If our children had mandatory exercise or military school, then they won’t need video games. We’d turn these hooligans and nerds into model citizens in mere weeks!”
  4. “Okay, maybe we shouldn’t go that far,” muses your cat-obsessed secretary who has pictures of her felines scattered all over your office. “Why not allow some games, but just not the violent ones? There’s nothing wrong with innocent games like Gumdrop Kart and Halo Kitten. Just allow games that any child can play without being scared or inclined to violence, and set up a council to rate the games. That way everyone is happy.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, tourists are flocking to the newly-built MeteorLand family resort.

2020-07-03 03:00

Great Balls of Fire!

Random Chaos is abuzz with news of a huge meteorite - dubbed ‘Big Max’ by the media - which smashed into a large town on the outskirts of Random Chaos City yesterday, killing thousands and leaving behind nothing but a smouldering crater.

  1. “We can’t let a little old boulder get the best of us!” bellows Magnus Krauss, a burly military official. “We have to fight back! Show ‘em what we’re made of! With a little funding, we could develop some terrific new weapons for the next bit of flying rock that dares to threaten us! Nuke it to smithereens! If ever there was a time to prepare for space warfare, it is now!”
  2. “That’s all well and good,” interjects Professor Sashona Rolfe, leading scientist at the Random Chaos Meteorological Office. “Except that the chances of a fall of this magnitude occurring twice in the same area are miniscule at worst. I propose you direct your funding to the real issue here - rebuilding the homes and properties that have been lost, and tending to the injured and traumatised. As soon as we’ve removed what’s left of Big Max for studying, you can make a start.”
  3. “Remove the greatest phenomenon Random Chaos has ever seen?!” cries Anne-Marie Chip, the famous museum tycoon. “Surely you can envisage the profit that could be had here? We should be opening the site for tourists! Think of the possibilities - guided tours, gift shops, theme parks! You don’t want to build on top of all that potential, do you? Besides, the old residents are all dead now anyway! I’m sure this is what they would have wanted.”
  4. “All of these ideas are either costly, ridiculous or both!” snorts your Spiritual Advisor, leaning over your desk. “Your people are frightened and vulnerable right now. They don’t want you to take action; they want you to tell them it’ll all be okay. We could use this! Tell them Big Max was a warning from the heavens! Strike the fear of the Mighty One into their hearts and they’ll do whatever you tell them!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, students learn how to disarm mines before understanding basic arithmetic.

2020-07-02 21:00

A Blast From the Past

A teacher and four schoolchildren were killed on a field trip in a remote region of Random Chaos after an old anti-personnel mine was accidentally detonated. The landmines - relics of the nation’s previous wars - have taken the lives of many over the years.

  1. “You can see how important demining is, no?” asks Anna Wang, the CEO of Remove Landmine, an obscure private enterprise based in Bigtopia. “We clear Random Chaos of landmines for small price. No need to worry that forests obstruct progress; we remove them too, in big proud explosions. Bigtopian strength!”
  2. “Not the Bigtopians!” screeches Doug Curtis, fierce patriot and even fiercer guerilla fighter, jumping out of a filing cabinet and tackling the Bigtopian businessperson to the ground. “When the Bigtopian warmongers attacked, we were forced to deploy landmines. Now they have the cheek to try and profiteer from our misery! We should seize all Bigtopian assets and use them to set up a demining fund instead!”
  3. “I’ve got an idea!” suggests Kendall Krauss, Minister of Education and part-time comedian, trying to stifle her laughter. “Why don’t we teach students proper demining techniques? I’m sure that it’s going to be useful in their everyday lives... somehow. Anyway, it should prevent such an incident from ever occurring again.”
  4. “Actually, we don’t need any of that,” explains Peter Romero, an Army Logistics Supervisor, examining a map of Random Chaos. “Since we were the ones who planted the mines, we could dig up some old documents on how to retrieve them. While it may be more costly than just purposefully detonating all of them, we should be able to reuse any functional ones that we come across. Although some of them might not work as well as newly-made weapons, this would provide a well-needed boost to our military stockpile.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the crispy fried liver of a gambler is prized as a tasty treat by vagrants.

2020-07-02 15:00

A Petty Issue

Your cousin’s adored pet gambler has died.

  1. “It would mean the world to me to have my loss properly recognised,” sobs your cousin, dabbing tears away with a gold-embroidered handkerchief. “My poor little baby deserves a state funeral. Imagine... people crying in the streets, a band playing funeral dirges on golden tubas, and my dearest little Kitty McFluff immortalised in a memorial forever... you’d do it for your own pets, wouldn’t you?”
  2. “Y’know how many people this could feed?” asks roadkill-chef Britney Egan, sniffing at the carcass, and licking her lips. “And y’know how many people you’re takin’ cash away from with a big state funeral? Burying a gambler is a waste of good meat, and a waste of money. Y’should buy up all the dead pets, butcher them for meat, and donate the food to the poor and homeless.”
  3. “No need to bury the wee beastie!” yells eccentric special effects expert Judas Looney. “I’ve been playing around a lot with taxidermy and animatronics, and I reckon if we fix up damage to the bodywork, apply some preservatives to stop the rot, install some motors and simple AI subroutines, and the little critter will be good as new! Also, why stop with pets? You miss your grandma, right? Let my company work its magic, and look who’s back!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, expensive lawyers are hired to defend citizens in court for public urination charges against their pets.

2020-07-02 09:00

When Gamblers Attack!

After several reports of pet gamblers violently attacking, injuring, and even killing citizens, there has been growing pressure from public safety activists for the government to take action.

  1. “These creatures are a danger to the public and must be destroyed!” says Gerald Zhimo, representative of the Public Institution for Social Safety, Equality, and Direction. “I was attacked by one just on the way here and I nearly lost my life! They’re a public menace. We must shoot and burn them!”
  2. “Why punish the poor things?” asks animal-lover Margaret Fforde, covered in scars from previous encounters with gamblers. “All they need is good hands to care and rehabilitate them. We need a government education programme to tame them and turn them into loveable pets. The one I’m holding right now shows that it can be done. They are all good, kind creatures deep d- argh!”
  3. “I agree that we shouldn’t kill them,” says Sherlock Martinez, a famous lawyer. “But I don’t think the owner should get away with breaking the law! This is clearly a case of ‘intent to grievously harm’ if I ever saw it. All citizens should face trial for their pet’s actions as if they had done the act themselves. It’s the only way to be fair - after all, they’re just dumb animals.”
  4. “Who cares!?” screams Anakin Smiley, transmitting from a pirate radio station broadcast. “Just repeal any laws preventing us from gunning the things down when they attack and we’ll be able to save ourselves without this stupid, authoritarian, overbearing government and legal system wasting our tax money!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government sends submarines to retrieve bodies from shipwrecked submarines.

2020-07-02 03:30

Frozen Assets

A Random Chaosian mountain climber was lost in a remote province of Dàguó, atop a peak known as the Mother of All Mountains. She is most likely dead, but without the body, her relatives have had trouble collecting death benefits and inheriting her estate.

  1. “It’s hard enough losing her without having to deal with all this red tape!” sobs the climber’s tearful sister, gazing distressedly at the late climber’s 8th century porcelain vase collection. “This is just adding insult on top of injury! We all know she’s not coming back, so please, just help us get a piece of... uh, I mean help us find peace!”
  2. “Just because Yolanda Krauss climbed the Mother of All Mountains doesn’t mean it’s her job to help her grasping relatives climb the social ladder,” sneers cantankerous left-wing blogger Daisy Rolfe. “Have the government seize her property for now, and hold it in trust until she turns up, dead or alive.”
  3. “Perhaps I can help your government resolve this issue,” offers mountain guide Hirsa Hendi Sherpa. “It might be possible to recover Yolanda’s body, if you’re willing to fund the search. With a well-organized search of the 30,000-foot peak, we’ll almost certainly find your woman. Then all the paperwork will be simple and her family can give her a proper funeral.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, serial killers who are released early distribute death but not their seed.

2020-07-01 21:00

Criminal Guns Soon to Be Shooting Blanks

A judge from Random Chaos City recently promised significantly reduced jail time for criminals who volunteer to undergo surgical sterilization. Ten inmates have already agreed to go through with the procedure, and opponents are urging you to step in before more decide to go under the knife.

  1. “I don’t see a cause for concern here,” declares the infamous Judge Finlay Cummings, notorious for being tough on crime. “It is a fact that the children of criminals are very likely to become criminals themselves. I want to end the cycle of children being born in these despicable, horrible, and awful places. I want to put an end to the violence, theft, rape, and gangsta music in my community. Besides, it’s not as if I’m forcing them to do this; criminals make their own choices. And this is a choice that will benefit both the individual and society.”
  2. “This almost certainly does force prisoners to undergo a procedure,” retorts Kirby Krauss, a former inmate turned masseuse. “The incarcerated will do everything they can to get out in the least amount of time, even if that means agreeing to a procedure they would never do otherwise. Do I have to explain why it’s wrong for the government to sterilize people? The judge probably isn’t even allowed to do this sort of thing, and if she is, it definitely should be illegal. What we need to do is give the incarcerated more choices in what they can do in prison, like maybe a good massage every once in a while.”
  3. “The judge has somethin’ right!” grunts Bruce Cummings, a warden at the Random Chaos City Correctional Facility who speaks loudly to compensate for carrying a small stick. “We give too dang much freedom to them prisoners. What we need tuh do is take the whole choosing part out and sterilize all of ‘em. Once they commit a crime, they lose all them privileges, like the ability to get pregnant or say no.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, autopsies often involve only cursory examination.

2020-07-01 15:00

Till Death Do Us Part

Homer Huffington tragically died yesterday from heart complications during sex with his wife. Mrs. Huffington has requested her local hospital to harvest the sperm from her late husband’s corpse, thrusting the predicament into the national spotlight.

  1. “All I want is to have a child, his child!” somewhat convincingly cries Ami Huffington, the sobbing wife at the center of the controversy. “And my husband and I were so close, but he decided to croak in the heat of things. I’ve been planning for a baby ever since our wedding, and I’m sure this is what he would’ve wanted. Quick, alert the hospital and tell them it’s a go!”
  2. “Absolutely, one hundred percent, no!” exclaims your Minister of Tradition, who looks surprisingly young for the role. “Where have our nation’s morals gone if we allow this blatant disrespect of the dead? Any procedure after death is not acceptable without prior consent. You must mandate that hospitals deny this request and every other request like it, for the sake of protecting bodily integrity.”
  3. “If only the deceased had been made to donate prior to his death, then we wouldn’t have to deal with this problem now,” rebukes your radical Minister of Forward Thinking while looking at a diagram of the male body. “Young males across the nation should be required to contribute their spermatozoa to our department. With all the reproductive material, we could start a National Sperm Bank, ready to provide sperm to anyone who needs it. Fun!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, top-shelf magazines feature risqué centrefold spreads of ladies' wrists.

2020-07-01 09:00

A Right to Bare Arms?

Despite a conservative attitude towards nudity in Random Chaos, recent analyses of fashion trends suggest that women’s sleeves have been getting progressively shorter in the last few months, sometimes to well above the elbows. Outraged moral guardians have come to you to ask for nationally enforced standards of dress.

  1. “This is outrageous!” wails Beth Parke, founder and chairwoman of the conservative activism group Modicum Of Modesty. “Leader, everyone knows that increased promiscuity among young girls can be directly linked to the square footage of skin showing! Sexual abuse, objectification and falling educational standards are all direct consequences of nudity: I have the statistics and evidence, from a study that my own organisation completed! I beg you, mandate conservative skirts and long-sleeved blouses. A lady’s wrists and ankles should be covered!’
  2. “Don’t listen to that harridan: she’s got ugly arms, and that’s why she wants to hide,” scoffs Pete von Bismarck, a teenage student at one of Random Chaos City’s rowdiest schools. “Look, I don’t get over-excited every time I catch a glimpse of shoulder or thigh. I mean sure, some people take it a little too far, but shouldn’t that be their responsibility? She can cover up if she wants, but prettier girls should be able to show a little skin.”
  3. “I think we all know what’s going on here,” chides popular feminist speaker Georgina Cruise as she bashes the previous speaker over the head with her protest sign. “We hear stories of assault and abuse, and it’s chalked up to be the girl’s fault for wearing something that ‘invites it’. This is a clear case of double standards: Nobody says anything when a man rolls up his sleeves to get to work. We need to change the mentality that holds women’s clothing choices to blame for the actions of men. We should be able to walk down the street naked if we want to, and not be blamed or shamed from doing so.”
  4. “Since when have we let the women of this country determine its morality?” rages traditionalist Winston Kim, his wife and daughters standing behind him in fearful silence. “A woman’s nakedness is for her husband to behold, and for none other. All women should be forced to cover themselves head-to-toe while in public, and should not venture out of the home without permission. They should obey their husbands or male relatives in all things, including their clothing choices.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Primitive.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, soldiers' positions are given away by the glint of their bayonets.

2020-07-01 03:00

Bringing a Bayonet to a Gunfight

It’s budget time and the military is in a fierce ideological struggle: should bayonets continue to be issued to the troops?

  1. “There’s nothing more terrifying than the sight of Random Chaosian steel!” asserts veteran General Poe, while skewering one of your childhood teddy bears that you still keep on your desk with a shank. “The bayonet is a tried and tested weapon; having a blade at the end of your gun is an essential back-up. Besides, it’s hardly like they’re the most expensive thing in the arsenal. Also, make sure the navy and air force have them too; you’ll never know when they’ll come in handy.”
  2. “Really, this is how you fight a modern war?” inquires Lieutenant Webster, a rather suave junior officer, who then shoots the same teddy bear with a pistol. “Bayonets are relics of a by-gone era, kept alive only by old generals and LARPers. We kill our enemies from hundreds of kilometres away these days! The money saved by not purchasing millions of useless knives could instead buy us a nice new attack helicopter.”
  3. “Helicopters? Rifles? Nothing personal, Leader, but we only need an absolute minimum of military personnel for ceremonial duties,” declares Major de Vries, one of your more eccentric officers, as she swats the poor teddy bear with a Zweihander sword. “Imagine our finest soldiers wearing elegant full-dress uniforms and armed only with traditional swords. Have them stand at attention at sentry posts around our great capital and get them to change the guard every afternoon in front of your residence. Tourists will be delighted by such a show. That’s what a military should be used for!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, strange lights seen in the sky are officially regarded as weather balloons or hoaxes and nothing else.

2020-06-30 21:00

The Truth Is Out There?

After numerous alleged UFO sightings all over Random Chaos’s sky last night, concerned citizens are asking questions and getting no answers. Many of them are demanding that the government release all information regarding UFOs to the public.

  1. “The government has been covering up UFO activity for years,” claims Matt Quinn, host of the esoteric TV show ‘Death from the Skies’. “We’re tired of hearing about weather balloons and hoaxes. If there are little green men watching and abducting us, we deserve to know. We demand that the government release all documents regarding UFOs... and everything else too! Besides, we’re better off if our military doesn’t organize shady, expensive projects.”
  2. “You can’t honestly give in to the demands of these wackos and conspiracy nuts!” gasps Five Star General Siko Wolowitz. “That would reveal top secret military programs like our doomsday device, I mean, new fighter jets. These things are kept secret for a reason. Do you want this information to get in the hands of Random Chaos’s enemies? I don’t think so. I say we continue to cover up these sightings and ignore those pesky ufologists asking too many questions.”
  3. “How about a compromise that pleases both the conspiracy theorists and the military?” suggests Avery Dvořák, an elite prevaricator from the Propaganda Ministry. “Why don’t we release some documents that just say that UFOs are real? This way the conspiracy theorists stop asking questions, and the military doesn’t have its secret projects compromised. If our military projects are discovered, like that ‘moon’ we’re building, we can just blame it on little green men. That gives you perfect deniability. It’s win-win!”
  4. As a man wearing a black suit and dark sunglasses passes your guards, they silently go rigid as their eyes roll to white. “Boss, my team has this covered,” he says in a droll monotone. “We’ll try to keep you in the loop, of course, but nothing we tell you leaves this room... ever. Of course there are aliens, and yes, there’s occasional collateral damage from random interactions, but we’re on it. You just make sure that funding doesn’t drop from the Omnibus Farm Bill your predecessor set up, and we’ll make sure nothing goes public.” He pauses and strokes his chin thoughtfully. “Is it still a privacy violation if you don’t remember being probed? Have to think on that.” He turns, taps the guards on the shoulders, and walks from the room as they dazedly recover their composure.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children crying over dropped ice creams are offered high doses of experimental antidepressants.

2020-06-30 15:00

Light at the End of the Tunnel

A 33-year-old woman, who has chosen to remain anonymous, has been refused state-sanctioned euthanasia by her doctors because of her diagnosis of severe depression. She’s pointing out that this depression is exactly why she wants to die, and is asking that the right to merciful death be extended to allow her medically-assisted suicide.

  1. The patient in question, avoiding eye contact and speaking flatly, makes her case: “I’ve felt like this since I was a child, I’ve been through every medication, seen a hundred counsellors, even had ECT blasting my brain. They’ve all done nothing, nothing at all. I’ll take my own life if I have to, but wouldn’t it be better if I could end my life painlessly and comfortably?”
  2. “You see where this slippery slope has brought us to?” asks Waldo Rikkard, of lobby group 1stDoNoHarm. “You tell people it’s okay to kill themselves, and that’s what they’ll do. You tell doctors it’s okay to let people die, and that’s what they’ll do. What’s next? Murdering the learning-disabled or those with the wrong skin colour? Change the government’s message, Leader. Choose life.”
  3. “I sympathise with this patient’s situation,” says neuropsychologist Bodhi Zaius, showing no outward signs of being sympathetic at all, “but allowing suicide and banning euthanasia are both choices that are just running away from the bigger problem: chronic, intractable depression. We need a review of root causes, more mental health funding and a drive towards exploring experimental new treatments, like neuroaffective immunotherapy. Spend more on mental health and social services; cut other departments or raise taxes if you have to: this is a national crisis.”
  4. “Well, life is pretty damn pointless,” says Nia Liszt, leader of a new movement calling themselves the Self-Destructivists, “so why don’t we just end people’s misery once and for all? We humans have had a terrible impact on the planet and suffering is inherent to life. You should donate some public money to my crowdfunded “kill-starter”: I’m looking to engineer the perfect virus that will wipe out all human life forever. There’s a little fine tuning to be done, but in the meantime, you can buy access to my existing research, which will probably help you develop some biological WMDs, or whatever else you like to occupy yourself with. I mean, who cares? It’s all ridiculous, anyway.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cars have been banned.

2020-06-30 09:00

For Whom the Road Tolls

A group of transport analysts have suggested that a charge of five chips a day for vehicular access to Random Chaos’s most congested inner-cities during peak hours is the only way to solve their ever-growing traffic problem.

  1. “Similar schemes have been very effective elsewhere,” says Joseph English, one of the most infamous traffic wardens in Random Chaos. “It’s common sense that the best way to curb dangerously high demand is to raise the price of the supply - or, as in this case, to create a price. Charging citizens to go into more congested areas could, combined with the improvements to public transport it will finance, actually make people choose public transport over their cars. I don’t see why people shouldn’t pay tax for a little less traffic on our roads.”
  2. “These tolls are a preposterous idea,” argues road lobbyist, Oprah MacDonald. “Public transport will never replace the car - I don’t want to be forced to share my space with a bunch of malodorous working-class people on my way to work. Not that I would be, because I could afford the charge, but really, it’s the principle of the matter! The only solution is to expand urban road networks. True, some pavements and green spots would have to go, but those pedestrians should be able to put up with that if they’re to expect Random Chaos to be part of the modern world.”
  3. “Allowing cars to scoot around and pollute our cities was a bad idea in the first place,” says Winston Silva, a famous environmentalist. “The solution is to abolish private motor transport whilst funding a major urban public transport scheme. Our buses and undergrounds could be the envy of the world! Yes, the car companies will suffer, and yes, there’ll be a bit more tax, but wouldn’t it be worth it for a bit of fresh air and safe streets for the children?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, college students make ends meet by selling their kidneys.

2020-06-30 03:00

Cash for Colons?

Hospitals have requested that they be allowed to pay people for donating blood and other bodily organs, such as kidneys.

  1. “We remain critically short of blood plasma and various organs,” says Random Chaos One hospital administrator Jessica Parkarvarkar. “Especially hearts. A good heart is hard to find. But if we were allowed to pay for donations, we’d get more of them and could save more lives. Plus the donor takes home a few hundred chips in compensation. Unless it’s a post-mortem donation, of course. In that case we’d pay the family.”
  2. “Great idea,” says social commentator Ned Vercingetorix. “Except for one thing. You know who’s going to be selling their organs? Poor people! They’ll be so desperate for money that they’ll sell their own kidneys. Well, a kidney. This is just another way for the rich to buy themselves a better life at the expense of the poor. It must be outlawed.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military instructors tire of being asked for another bedtime story by seven-year-old conscripts.

2020-06-29 21:00

Sergeant McCool Reporting for Duty

Gossip magazines have exploded into a frenzy after news broke that famous teen idol Dennis “Squeaky” McCool is being conscripted into Random Chaos’s military.

  1. “I heartily welcome this man to the force,” dead-eyed military recruiter Pedro Croft utters in flat monotone. “Sergeant McCool failed to pass his initial examination, and he exited through the wrong door. But these are minor obstacles every soldier can learn to overcome. He will enter training immediately, and I am sure he will be proud to serve in the front lines with the other grunt... fine Random Chaosian men and women.”
  2. “NO! He’s going to DIE!” screams Vera Kiefaber, a 45-year-old who gives her current profession as ‘Squeaky’s Number One Fan’. “Leader, you can’t let Squeaky get killed. Can’t you just, well, refuse him? We Squeakers need him so much. He supports all kind of charities: Dinner-Dance for the Destitute, Masquerade for the Pox-Marked... Say, if he paid you some of his millions, couldn’t that be seen as a surrogate to actual service?”
  3. “This the pretty boy that’s due in?” rasps Chastity Rivera from the shadows, riffling through gossip magazines and military files. “He should already be physically fit at his age. In neighbouring countries, kids of seventeen, fourteen, six, can already disassemble and reassemble a rifle, crawl along the ground on their knees and elbows and take out a sniper... normal stuff.” She pauses to show you a video of unknown origin, which appears to depict youngsters playing cops-and-robbers. “Our imitation of conscription has failed to instil healthy Random Chaosian values into our people. We must widen the net and make the training harsher.”
  4. “When an engineer joins, we put them to work fixing stuff,” explains Army logistician, Harambe Zhu, moving a battalion of toy soldiers from one side of your desk to another. “Why not use this pop singer’s talents? We’d welcome him into the Army, but never put him on the front line. Instead, he’d fly from base to base singing to adoring uniformed fans, pose for recruitment posters, and go on TV to praise the glory of our great nation. He will serve beautifully.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children are often punished for the sins of the fathers.

2020-06-29 15:00

Guided Missiles and Misguided Men

After years of searching for the most wanted man in Random Chaos, you are finally sitting in the war room, eyes glued to the images on the live video feed. It’s confirmed: the drone can see the infamous terrorist Gregory Cox... playing with his children. It seems like it will be impossible to take the shot without also killing the small children.

  1. “Wait! We can’t hurt those little ones,” wails your aide, Zack Kiefaber, while clutching his face in horror. “I know that he’s a monster who has killed and will kill again, but are we really going to stoop down to his level? Those kids are innocent of any of the atrocities their father has committed. We must hold our fire and try to find another way that doesn’t have such a high risk of collateral damage.”
  2. From the corner of the monitor, you can see a terrorist soldier spot the drone and begin to assemble a surface-to-air-missile launch platform. The operator turns around in his chair with a look of urgency. “Boss, we’re just about to lose the drone. It’s now or never! Authorise me to take the shot. If we let him go, it might take years for us to find him again - and who knows how many more children he might kill in the meantime? The inevitable loss of the little ones will be regrettable, but we need to take him out now!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, murder is sanctioned if the legal paperwork is filled out correctly.

2020-06-29 09:00

Contract Killer

A legal battle has recently come to your attention, over a failed repayment of an overdue private debt and the validity of the underlying legal contract. The debtor owes ten thousand chips and under the bond agreement signed, the lender is calling to take a pound of flesh in lieu of payment.

  1. “I deserve to obtain a pound of flesh from that bankrupt fellow over there, as we both willingly signed this bond in the presence of a lawyer,” explains the lender, Mr. Boldkey, matter-of-factly. “The function of the law is to uphold justice, is it not? Exceptions to contracts will weaken confidence in the legal and financial system. Should I not be allowed to take what I am owed and to acquire it from say, his neck?”
  2. “Please spare me, I have a family to look after!” wails the debtor from behind bars. He is promptly silenced by his lawyer, Mr. Balthazar, who in a suspiciously high pitched voice elaborates: “What my client is trying to communicate is that the purpose of the law is to protect the rights of the smallest minority that has ever existed, which is the individual. A judge - or the government - should be able to annul any contract that has an immoral basis. The quality of mercy should be applied now and serve as a benchmark for future cases.”
  3. “Give Boldkey that which is justly his, which is a pound of flesh, nothing more, nothing less!” says Ms. Cumberbatch, a bored looking lawyer. “But due to him not being a licensed agent of the law, he must then be charged with murder, or at least assault, depending on the extent of the injury inflicted. The letter of the law is served, and freedom as well.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Politically Apathetic Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, meetings are often scheduled for "about four-ish" following complete conversion to sundials.

2020-06-29 03:00

A Switch in Time Kills Nine

A tragic train derailment recently resulted in the untimely death of nine people. Investigators have noted that the accident occurred the morning after daylight saving time went into effect, and concluded that it was likely due to conductor fatigue from the time change. You’ve shifted your schedule by an hour to discuss the matter.

  1. “It’s high time we made a change,” declares somnologist Dr. Van Winkle, pouring himself a second cup of coffee. “The fact is, our work days are no longer slaves to the sun and moon, and so our body clocks shouldn’t be either. The interruption of circadian rhythm and resultant accident risk are demonstrably deadly. Make this change, and you’ll be a legend in your own time.”
  2. “Once again, our ancestors were ahead of their time,” proclaims Arnold Maldonado, a patchouli-scented, bushy-bearded historian. “The future of Random Chaos is sundials, and they should be the only clocks our nation uses! We’ll always be in harmony with the natural beat of the sun and our inherent sleep rhythms, no matter what our specific space-time location is. Yes, slight differences in each city’s clocks might make train timetables and computers and such trivialities a little bit useless, but isn’t synchronicity with the universe more important than an artificial obsession with seconds and minutes?”
  3. “No! Not the railways!” gasps your Minister of the Environment and amateur ferroequinologist George W. Singh, who is currently wearing a worn-out conductor’s hat. “Look, I hate to derail this whole train of thought, but daylight saving is not only a cultural part of what makes us Random Chaosian, it also holds a valuable role in energy conservation. With it in place, Random Chaosians use less lighting during summer evenings and less heat during winter mornings. You should not only keep it, you should also make sure that all who do business in Random Chaos are compliant with it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Random Chaosian Intelligence Agency relies on internet search engines to know what is happening overseas.

2020-06-28 21:00

A Cloak and Syringe Operation

Vague intelligence reports suggest yet another terrorist attack on Random Chaos City is being planned by Ultra-Violet, an especially extreme and hateful Violetist terrorist group from Tasmania. However, information is sketchy at best and the general feeling is that boots-on-the-ground intelligence will be needed to effectively assess and counter the potential threat.

  1. “Look, Leader, I’m going to be straight with you: there’s no nice or pretty solution here,” states Intelligence Director Alan Welsh-Boring, who is leading the search for Ultra. “We don’t have many Tasmanian contacts. Citizens of Random Chaos are viewed with extreme suspicion there, especially in the more rural areas that Ultra-Violet recruits from. My agents can pose as doctors who are vaccinating Tasmanians as part of the ongoing Spoon Pox eradication efforts. Doing this, they’ll be able to travel to the places they need to go, plant deep cover agents within the enemy ranks, and get critical intel to counter this terrorist threat.”
  2. “You can’t do that!” gasps Dr. Claude Borel, a member of the international non-governmental organization Doctors Without Quarters, who’s been crashing in one of your guest bedrooms for the past few weeks. “In a few years, our program may be able to eradicate Spoon Pox entirely. And it’s not just Spoon Pox... we’ve been vaccinating against other preventable diseases too, like Yellow Tongue and the dreaded Bendy Creaks. Your deceptions risk the credibility of all international medical aid efforts, and could set public health back by decades!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, businesses are forced to bring all work back within the nation's borders.

2020-06-28 15:00

Who’s Occupying What?

Many young, educated, and unemployed people are frustrated because jobs are being outsourced to workers in Bigtopia. On the other hand, low end service industries are seeing a shortage of workers, sparking debate over possible solutions to the employment gap.

  1. “Frankly, we shouldn’t be wasting time giving our children costly educations, just to have Bigtopians take their jobs,” remarks Khethelo Murphy, a wealthy business executive sharing a drink in your office. “Let’s lift the ban on child labor and instead put our children to work in service and retail positions - jobs that can’t be sent to other countries. They might not get paid much, but it’ll at least get them working and this economy moving again.” Handing you a wad of money, he continues, “And we’ll both make a chip or two off it as well...”
  2. Eve Tavener, author of “Command Economies: The Communist Ideal” and part-time florist, slips into your office and says, “On that thought, perhaps we could use the government to allocate our resources... erm... children. To help economic efficiency, we’ll split them up early on, sending some right into the workforce where the economy needs them. We’ll raise the others through the education system.” The noted statist thinker, deftly rearranging your vase of roses, quickly adds, “It might be expensive to manage, and kids won’t get much choice in what kind of a job they get, but I think everyone will be happy after realizing that everything fits... perfectly...”
  3. “Our people need jobs, but giving more money to fat-cat business owners isn’t the answer!” remarks Kanye Chau of the Occupy Random Chaos City movement, unaware of the ‘Hiring’ sign in a nearby department store window. “In fact, we should tighten regulations on robber barons to ensure they put our workers first. And make them pay a little more in taxes to help support hard-working Random Chaosians as well! Sure, the businesses may not like it, but it will help out the common man. Help the 99%!”
  4. “All ze jobs are VHERE?!” General Von Gugelheimer lets out a piercing scream. “Zose Bigtopians and zeir business friends need to remember vhich is ze better country! Never mind zat ze businesses at fault are based out of Random Chaos. Let’s blow zose Bigtopians off ze map! Boost ze military’s size, and ve von’t have to vorry about zem anymore. Trade vill take a hit, but isn’t ZE POWER vorth it? Hahaha... HAHAHAHA!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, trained plumber-burglars will clean out your blocked pipes and your jewellery boxes.

2020-06-28 09:00

Blue Collar Blues

A minor domestic emergency recently left you searching for a call-out plumber, an electrician and a handyman able to rehang a chandelier. Though the sorry incident is now sorted, you’ve been left aware of how hard it is to find good tradespeople these days. Your Education Minister tells you that this is because the majority of high school graduates are enrolling in university programs, which is leaving a major skilled labor shortage in the trades industries. There are ample artists, architects and astrophysicists, but a poor proportion of plumbers, painters and plasterers.

  1. “We allow immigration for a reason, and this is it,” says Immigration Minister, Frank Egan. “Why don’t we use incentive schemes to increase the number of migrants coming in with the skills we need, to fill the labor shortages? That way our citizens can focus on holding higher paying jobs while immigrants do the jobs nobody else wants.”
  2. “Seems to me like you’ve got a captive audience that could be taught new skills,” says social reformist Liara Looney. “By which I mean your prison population. Why not offer prison inmates training in the trades that you are lacking, and give them commuted sentences in exchange for attaining qualification? I mean, sure, some of them might misuse training in being able to cut the power to banks and businesses, and a small minority might take these courses just to get out of jail faster, but otherwise, good solution, yes?”
  3. “Wouldn’t it be easier just to get more young people studying trades?” posits Community College tutor Ryan Shewhart. “You could subsidize technical colleges and apprenticeships, and even offer stipends to students as an extra incentive to make these choices. You may have to raise taxes a little, and divert funding from further education courses in arts and science, but practical skills are ultimately more important to our economy.”
  4. “Sometimes, perhaps it is best to let the ocean currents move you, rather than trying to turn back a rising tide,” suggests Taiqiquan practitioner Al Beethoven, working through a series of graceful circular movements. “Your nation’s economy is changing, and shifting away from manual work. This is natural, and you should move with, never against. Imagine: as graduates become unemployed, the market self-adjusts, and the economy flows back towards its former shape. As pipes become blocked, supply and demand mismatch results in the free market rising to fill a gap. Energy flows through the system like water, and problems resolve themselves.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, public executions just aren't the cheery spectacles they once were.

2020-06-28 03:00

We Won’t, We Won’t Rock You

Attendance at last week’s stoning in Random Chaos City Square was at a record low, as citizens decided instead to take a healthy walk, read self-improvement books, or merely exchange pleasantries with one another.

  1. “It ain’t right!” gripes souvenir rock distributor Wojciech Whitlam, gesturing to his unwanted supplies of pointy rocks and bags of reinforced gravel. “Last week’s stoning only had a boring old murderer — what punter’s gonna waste high-grade silicates on them? Bring back the mafia kingpins! Chainsaw maniacs! Send the police out to hunt them down, from wherever they can find them. Now they’re worth a good chunk of quartz, eh?”
  2. “It’s not the quality of targets that’s the problem,” opines your brother, tossing a stone at a nearby barn door, and missing. “It’s that there aren’t enough to go around. Stoning is a noble art, and you should show your appreciation with a steady stream of targets, be they petty thieves or jaywalkers. How else can I perfect my technique?”
  3. “If you want these events to draw a crowd, there’s no sense in everyone getting stoned,” chortles rock fan Castiel Doe. “This needs to be a special occasion that lives long in the memories of all those young and old — well, except the victims. We need stadia, lights, loud music and audience participation! Let’s get the crowd rocking!”
  4. “No! You violate the sacred stones by causing harm to fellow men,” implores Sunbeam Gambler Lee, handing out calming tourmalines to all present. By placing crystals on their corresponding chakras we can use the healing energy to cure offenders of their negative thoughts. As the Almighty Agate teaches us: ‘Let he who be without sin, cast the first stone.’ No, NO, AAAAGGH!”
  5. “Few have the stones to look a fellow human in the eyes and kill them,” rasps Freda Beggins, a diminutive and hairy-toed master stonethrower, as she demonstrates her left-arm unorthodox spin delivery on a stray gambler. “Leave the job to the professionals, and we’ll get it done. Quick. Brutal. Merciless.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the canal flows through the land like a twisty turny thing.

2020-06-27 21:00

Up the Creek

One of the longest rivers in Random Chaos is also a major shipping lane in The Hatrackia. Bigtopia, a downstream nation, has unveiled its plans to dam this river, prohibiting any ships from travelling further upstream and beyond its waters.

  1. “Bigtopia obviously has some problems that it’s trying to address by constructing a dam,” points out your Minister for Solutions, Revo Gnidneb. “Let’s offer the Bigtopians solutions to their problems so that they won’t have to build anything. I heard they want a dam to generate power. Let’s just sell them lots of cheap electricity. Maybe the Bigtopians want a dam to supply themselves with water. Random Chaos can supply them with water instead. Whatever it takes to change their minds, let’s do it! It’ll be worth it if our trade routes remain open.”
  2. “The lifeblood of my people is at stake!” cries the ambassador from an upstream landlocked country. “My country’s only access to the sea is through that river! If that damned dam gets built, cargo ships would be unable to travel to and from my nation! Bigtopia won’t listen to our pleas. What do you say we and the other upstream countries gather an army and blow those asshats out of the water?”
  3. “Oh, cry me a river,” advises Ming Trax, a civil engineer, whilst pulling out a map. “We can just build a new canal connecting our portion of the river to the sea.” He draws on the map with a marker. “This could be the route. If we give grants to nearby inland towns, they could expand out to the banks of the canal and become port cities! Sure, the proposed route runs through land that isn’t owned by our government, but that’s what diplomacy and money are for! It’s a win-win-win!”
  4. “Our cities will be dead in the water,” laments the Minister of Transportation. “But we have an opportunity here. Since we no longer can rely on our river, we finally have good reason to improve our transport infrastructure. We can have new railway lines, and... new upgrades to our highways! And new airports! And a rolling highway! A rolling highway would be cool!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, elections are outlawed and a hairstylist has recently received a government appointment.

2020-06-27 15:00

Time to Put the Older Senators Out to Pasture?

Many people are starting to think that it’s time to put term limits on elected officials, given the average age of 70 years old and 40 years of service in the nation’s Parliament.

  1. “It’s time to get these lifetime politicians off the government payroll!” says term-limits advocate Eobard Matsenjwa. “Let them get real jobs like the rest of us once they leave office. Besides, if they are currently a Senator, they can always run for another office like Governor. This gives people the right to elect whomever they want to run for office, just not the same office forever. It’ll keep things from going completely stale!”
  2. “Wait a minute,” says Kristy Snape, chairperson of the national Infinite Power party. “We pay a lot of money to get those people into office. It can take several terms before we get a return on our investment, I mean, candidates. We should extend the number of years for each term, not limit the number of times a person can serve in any specific office!”
  3. Your aunt’s mother’s step-sister’s best friend’s hairstylist, Richard Boothroyd, pooh-poohs the entire idea. “You know how to run your country, yes? Why deal with the hassle of elected officials and elections in the first place, yes? Eliminate elections and this entire term limit issue becomes moot, yes?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's only university is the School of Hard Knocks.

2020-06-27 09:00

Lion Dad Sparks Child-Rearing Sentiment

The controversial book “Battle Hymn of the Lion Dad”, which depicts a foreign-born father brutally raising his children to outperform their peers, has whipped up a great debate over parenting in Random Chaos.

  1. “Look at Random Chaos’s children: fat, lazy, dumb, and unsuccessful,” says the book’s author Elmo Zaius. “Now look at my two girls. Attending top colleges! Lawyer and doctor! Making a difference with their lives! Making good money with their lives! It takes iron discipline, regular beatings, and the sacrifice of their childhoods, and I might not remember their names every once in a while, but who cares about that when I can brag about my boys - I mean girls.”
  2. “Poor babies,” wails concerned mother Tamara Fernandez, clutching her teenage son tight to her bosom. “That book suggests the most awful punishments - hit our children, starve them, make them do their homework. The worst thing I ever did to my cupcake was give him a little gold star for trying his best. I suggest we ban this book and while we are at it, lengthen the school holidays so I can take my huggle-bug to Mr Happy’s Funland again.”
  3. “It’s not my fault,” yawns exhausted warehouse operative and father of four Kanye Martin, after returning from a double shift. “All I ever learned at school was how to calculate a hypotenuse and how an oxbow lake is formed. Why not teach young Random Chaosians some useful life skills like raising kids, getting a job, and coping with the daily grind of life? It’s all they have to look forward to, after all.” He immediately falls asleep on the couch.
  4. “Lion dad?” queries Bodhi Smetana, grasping his young son under one arm, while feeding a ferocious gambler from the other. “That’s actually just what our kids need these days - a taste of the wild. All newborn children should be left in the wilderness to fend for themselves. The strong and resourceful will survive to better our nation, and the weak... well at least the gamblers won’t go hungry.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Devout.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, heavy industry must go to expensive lengths to dispose of waste.

2020-06-27 03:00

Waste Going to Waste, Says Industry Lobby

Random Chaos’s industries have an ever-growing amount of toxic wastes to dispose of, and doing so in safe ways is becoming prohibitively expensive, leading a group of lobbyists to try and pressure the government into changing existing disposal laws.

  1. “These waste dumping laws are destroying our businesses!” rants Conan Bowie, head of the Random Chaos Bigger Business Bureau. “We need cheaper ways to eliminate industrial by-products, which really aren’t as harmful as people think, such as pouring them into rivers or deep ocean ravines where they’re harmless to us. Let’s remember that the products we manufacture make your life easier and more fun!”
  2. “A better way to deal with this problem is to convince the public it isn’t a problem at all,” whispers Jennifer Harishchandra, head of Scamcorp, an industrial think tank. “Fudge some research, declare that the chemical by-products from industrial processing and production actually make one’s teeth and bones healthier. Then, sell them to municipalities to add to their drinking water! Yes! This will not only save us the trouble of disposing of the waste correctly, we’ll be able to sell it at a profit! I can taste the money already!”
  3. “These corrupt, money-hungry corporations are only looking out for themselves and their bottom line!” says Montgomery O'Brien, an environmentalist from northern Random Chaos. “The government needs to enact stricter laws for how these companies can dump their waste safely, and when they poison the environment and Random Chaosians the government needs the authority and manpower to enforce harsh penalties! These companies make their messes, they should pay to clean them up!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, janitors and factory workers are often better educated than the bosses they work for.

2020-06-26 21:00

Clean Switch

It turns out the woman who cleans your office toilets is actually double-qualified as a real estate lawyer and an orthopaedic surgeon. In her home-country, that is. In Random Chaos, her qualifications are not recognised. According to the rocket scientist that makes your sandwiches in the canteen, this is a common problem for immigrants across the land.

  1. “Increasing access to a skilled workforce can only be good for our economy,” observes Minister of Work and Pensions Daenerys Mealor, who has been complaining all day that she couldn’t get an appointment with her dentist. “Allow foreign qualifications to be recognised here, and we’ll have more doctors, lawyers, engineers and so on. Some of their practices might come across as slightly unorthodox, but still: an increase in supply will lead to a decrease in costs, benefiting public spending and private sector growth. We could clean up. Get it? Oh goodness, somebody stop me.”
  2. “You can’t trust foreigners,” states native-born and trained structural engineer Howard Steele. “Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not being racist, I’m talking about trusting the quality of training. Who can say whether their standards are as good as ours? Who knows what dangerous practices might be considered normal in their nations? If they want to work here, they have to gain OUR qualifications, so we can know they are safe. Otherwise, they can stick to pushing brooms.”
  3. “Hey, they’ve already taken all the low level jobs; you can’t let them take the high paying ones too!” rants unemployed ex-factory worker Michonne Bulsara. “Random Chaosian jobs should be for Random Chaosian people! Make it illegal for employers to offer a job to an immigrant unless they can prove that there’s no native to fill the spot.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, police spend their Saturday nights breaking up illegal street races.

2020-06-26 15:00

Random Chaos’s Racers Growing Fast and Furious

Illegal street racing and racing-related injuries are on the rise, causing many infamous racers to begin rallying for an officially sanctioned racing series and track facilities in order to safely satisfy their need for speed.

  1. “If you don’t let us race on real racetracks, then we’ll just keep running on the roads at night!” says racing fans’ favorite Hermione Meyer, at the wheel of a tricked-out Honda. “Would it kill you guys to build a couple of nice big professional race facilities? Think of the money you’d make on charging admission and selling drinks and stuff! And it’d be a lot safer than all of us tearing around on public roads! Forget about the people griping about the noise pollution!”
  2. “Don’t tell me you plan to cater to these speed freaks!” police officer Mario Strange comments over coffee and donuts. “Encouraging this sport is only going to increase the street racing problem because all these punks who can’t afford to run the professional circuit are going to want to satisfy their lead feet the way they have been! What we need is more police funding to crack down on these punk hotrodders.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, catcalling has been replaced by slut-shaming.

2020-06-26 09:00

My Eyes Are Up Here

At the latest round of meetings between Brancaland and Random Chaos, the feminine graces of one of the foreign female diplomats were notable, and Random Chaosian aides were caught staring at her in every place other than her eyes.

  1. “These damn men need to lift their eyes and close their gawping mouths!” shouts Violet Scrooge, leader of the Alliance For Empowering Women Who Agree With Me. “Our culture raises men to believe they can treat women however they want to, which is utterly not the case. The only way to fix this is legislating against objectification of women, and treating ogling eyes as sexual harassment!”
  2. “Seems a little harsh, no?” interjects Lars Barber, a human resources manager at a law firm in downtown Gambler City. “Our firm has an impeccable reputation for treating women correctly, and that is because we ensure all new hires go through a mandatory training policy teaching them that women are to be treated respectfully, chivalrously and politely. Maybe you could introduce this nationwide, and you’ll see the same results we have.”
  3. “It’s not my fault a pretty woman decided to wear a flattering dress to the meeting,” counters one of your aides accused of having a roaming gaze. “So what if I like to give women attention? It’s natural, it’s heterosexual male biology, it’s a compliment, for goodness sake! Are we seriously considering government regulating the involuntary movements of my eyeballs? Let’s be a more permissive society, and say that people can put their gaze wherever they want.”
  4. “We don’t treat our women like this where I’m from,” lectures Althaniq ambassador Castiel Goldsmith, wagging his finger at you. “Honestly, women being treated like meat comes from a culture of putting flesh on display. Oblige women to show modesty in their dress, and then men don’t have to be tempted into perverted gazes or lascivious thoughts.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a typical fast food menu item could serve a small army.

2020-06-26 03:00

Super-Sized Pizzas Recipe for Disaster?

Papa Pallocci’s Pizza Pagoda, Random Chaos’s top pizza delivery chain, has unveiled a new “Leviathan Size” deep-dish pizza. Citizens and health experts alike have come to you raising concerns over the health implications of this new pizza.

  1. “This is a public health travesty,” says Penny Plath, a noted nutrition expert. “There is just no sensible reason for a pizza this big to exist! It encourages overeating which leads to obesity and all of the illnesses that go with it! It’s clear that these companies aren’t going to do the right thing without prodding. Obviously, the government needs to ban this greasy filth and make restaurants include nutritional information on all of their menu items!”
  2. “But the temptation - the temptation is still there!” cries morbidly obese health advocate Yoshi Weber. “For years, I ate every kind of junk food imaginable. Just look at me now! Doctors tell me I’ve shaved twenty years off my life at least. This food is deadly, and we shouldn’t tolerate it any more! All fast food restaurants should be banned, and their owners forced to pay reparations to their victims.”
  3. “That’s preposterous!” replies Cleveland de Vries, Head of Papa Pallocci’s Public Relations division. “Our food is among the healthiest in Random Chaos! We offer an array of fresh veggies and the finest of meats. These radicals are calling for the government to intervene, but is it really the government’s job to babysit our customers like that? They’re big boys and girls, and it should be up to them to decide what they want to eat! They want pizza, so let them have pizza!”
  4. “Hey, man. I have an idea,” says Jadzia Latham, an aging hippie, barely suppressing a giggle. “This is all about healthy food, right? My bros and I were thinking about selling this pizza with locally grown organic ingredients and whole grains and stuff, right? It’d be good for you AND the planet, man. The only snag is we’re a little short on start-up moolah. The government should totally, like, give us money to open our chain. We’d really appreciate it. Yeah, you’d need a tax hike to pay for it, but we’d totally save the world - with pizza, man!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sharks are enjoying their deliveries of canned food.

2020-06-25 21:00

The Jaws of a Dilemma

After a series of fatal attacks by gambler sharks on swimmers during prime vacation time, a debate has arisen over how to respond to the finned danger.

  1. “My sister was seriously hurt in one of the attacks,” says Lucina Chekov, waving a surfboard with a large chunk bitten out. “Okay, while that isn’t the worst possible outcome, these gambler sharks are here and are very hungry. We need to properly protect the beaches from them. Guard boats! Shark watchers! Sonic deterrents! It might be expensive, but it’s better than serving us up as a smorgasbord, right?”
  2. “Oh, no, no, we can’t have any of this,” pleads local Mayor Sancho Vaughn, pulling at your sleeve for attention. “If you so much as mention the s-word, we’ll have panic on our hands at peak holiday season, and cancellations coming out of our ear-holes! We’re a summer town, and we need summer chips. Tell them it was a boat accident, that it’s a beautiful day and that the beaches are open. Then talk about something else - anything - to distract their attention, and remind them why Random Chaos is The Hatrackia’s number one tourist destination!”
  3. “It’s not the gambler SHARKS that are the problem,” pointedly declares Alexander Ponta, causing the Mayor to wince. “It’s the people! The government should protect the sharks from the beach-goers and industries that steal their food and habitat, forcing them to come closer to humans. The sharks were there first! Just put ‘No Swimming’ signs along the beach.”
  4. “These gambler sharks offer us an opportunity,” says Elizabeth Whitlam, your Minister of Tourism, poring over plans for oceanfront tourism development. “Think about it. How much are people willing to pay to see sharks up close? It’ll surely attract tons of new visitors to our beaches and aquariums, and we could make a fortune from cage diving. Sure, some people might get chowed upon, but it’s for the experience, you know?”
  5. “Seems like you got a shark problem on your hands,” nonchalantly mutters Quant, a rugged fisherman and captain of the Okra, caressing a harpoon gun. “I’ve been fishing on the Random Chaosian Bay since before I could walk, I served on the S.S. Random Chaos City that sunk. I’ve seen these sharks up close; they’ve got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. I’ll take care of your shark problem, so long as I get paid handsomely. But I’ll need a bigger boat.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Enforcer" to "Eminence Grise".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, factories grind to a halt every time there is an election.

2020-06-25 15:00

No Representation Without Taxation?

The recent publication of a book “Who Pays For Government?”, written by internationally famous economist Millicent Freeman, has triggered a public debate about voting rights.

  1. “Look, it’s simple,” explains Finance Minister Lisa Miller. “Most things the government does cost money. That money has to be raised through taxes, so anybody who doesn’t pay any tax shouldn’t have any say in choosing the government either. We should make paying at least a specified minimum amount in tax necessary for inclusion in the electoral lists. It’ll reward those who actually contribute to society, and give those who don’t a bit of incentive to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.”
  2. “That’s not going far enough!” insists teenager Ryan Stuckmann, wearing a homemade Guy Fawkes mask while borrowing the controversial objectivist tract Maxlas Shrugged from the Random Chaos City Public Library. “Since state employees - like this parasite helping me check out my books! - are drawing their salary from the government, they’re not contributing anything to the economy either, and they should be excluded from voting too!”
  3. “No, no, a thousand times no!” notorious labour rights activist ‘Red’ Al Cage protests. “Voting is the most basic right we have, and election day is the one time when every Random Chaosian, rich or poor, is an equal. The right to vote has to be protected for all Random Chaosians, and election day made a public holiday so that working class people can afford to vote without risking losing their jobs. The dip in productivity is more than justified by ensuring everyone has a chance to perform their civic duty.”
  4. “That’s very stirring rhetoric, but I wonder if everyone really feels that way,” muses libertarian scholar Efthamia Hester, a research fellow at the Nyancato Institute. “So why not give everyone the choice? Make it legal for people to sell their votes, and leave it to them to decide what’s more important to them: keeping their vote, or feeding their family.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hunters have been known to lose limbs while attempting to 'play tag' with their prey.

2020-06-25 09:00

Gambler Hunting Laws Under Dispute

The fierce debate on gambler hunting in Random Chaos has been brought to your attention after vociferous supporters of both sides of the argument stormed your parliament.

  1. “Gambler hunting is a cruel and horrible ‘sport’ for the wealthy,” says Kimberly Day of the ‘Protect Anything Cute and Furry Society’. “How can you possibly justify it? Oh, they witter on about ‘tradition’ and ‘pest control’ and other such nonsense, but really we all know it’s because these sadists love to torture poor, innocent animals! Hunting must be banned!”
  2. “Banning gambler hunting would be the end for centuries of tradition!” wails esteemed aristocrat Themba Lacombe from atop his steed. “The thrill of the chase, the baying of the hounds, the gambler scooting through the undergrowth - it would be a travesty! We provide much needed stimulus to the local tourism, and you can’t deny that gamblers are pests - killing farmers’ livestock for example! I propose that gambler hunting be encouraged, for the cultural - and economic - benefit of the nation!”
  3. “Well, you know what I think?” asks Whoopi Rudd, while helping to assemble a small trebuchet. “I reckon that the real issue about this sport is the cruelty aspect, and no-one can deny that sending a pack of dogs to tear apart a poor, innocent gambler is cruel. I reckon we should just ban hunting with hounds and only allow kinder and more instantly lethal methods like guns, tranquillisers, and cruise missiles.”
  4. “I’m firmly against the slaughter of dumb animals,” says Colleen Alvarez, while feeding an infant gambler with a milk bottle. “It would be best if the animals didn’t die, and hunters could still do what they love to do - how about instead of shooting them or sending vicious canines after them, the hunter runs up to his quarry and gives it a symbolic ‘tap’ with his hand? Now isn’t that much nicer for everyone?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all children's clothes come in only cream and off-white to prevent offense.

2020-06-25 03:00

It’s a Girl Thing

A commercial for a new childrenswear boutique has been unveiled, sparking debate over gender stereotypes in advertising. It features a young girl ballet-dancing in a rose-pink bedroom, holding a baby-pink toy unicorn and a fluffy cameo-pink magic wand, while wearing matching cotton-candy pink dancing shoes, a tiara and flounced pink tutu.

  1. “This is explicit sexism for all ages!” cries feminist Kendall Krauss, while graffiti-tagging an advert that depicts a woman cheerily vacuuming as her family unwraps their Maxxmas presents. “Don’t you see that such stereotypes are harmful to everyone, that you’re telling all girls that the only thing they’re good for is being beautiful? We’ve got six-year-old girls who only want to grow up to be pretty. How’s that helping to encourage them to be productive citizens? Eliminate ads that perpetuate the lie of gender-specific roles. Allow everyone to grow up as the wonderful, unique individuals they are!”
  2. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” groans Man’s World Inc. CEO Bharatendu Romero, who’s writing copy for his company, the advert for which features a man in a garish shirt being served coffee by a bevy of kneeling maidens. “We use stereotypes because they’re what customers want! Girls like pink and enjoy playing house; boys like guns and cars. It’s basic biology, nature not nurture, as countless biopsychology experiments with chimps have shown. Advertisers shouldn’t be censored, and normal people who are happy for little girls to be little girls will shop away, happy as clams.”
  3. “The impact of ads can be used to our advantage,” states your Minister of Niceness Jabulani Roll, tutting disapprovingly at Ms. Krauss, who is still writing anatomical suggestions of where you might stick the vacuum. “Pay financial incentives to advertisers who depict Random Chaosians in stereotype-shattering roles, so society will become more open-minded. Imagine: women playing exhausting sports, toasting friends in a coffee shop, wiring a plug, administering a company, even growing a beard. And men, too long derided as incompetent homemakers, unafraid to nurture a baby in public, tend a sick parent, or cook a meal. Break antiquated gender roles and protect your citizens’ freedom!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, everybody's got wood thanks to Leader.

2020-06-24 21:00

Ebony Pride

Random Chaos imports large quantities of hardwoods from Brancaland, including the world-famous Brancalandian ebony. However, environmentalists are coming out of the woodwork with evidence that Brancalandian logging operations are non-sustainable, leading to large-scale deforestation.

  1. “It’s clear-cut that Brancaland hasn’t been taking good care of the environment,” lectures activist Mario Uhura, picking up an ebony toothpick from your waste basket and glaring at you accusingly. “We need to stop being bumps on a log, and take action! Lower demand and limit supply by placing high tariffs on the entry of foreign timber unless it comes from sustainable tree farms!”
  2. “Don’t get your bunnyhug in a twist; a little bit of logging is no more than our environment can handle, eh?” observes exporter Shelia Clinton, sipping maple liqueur from his solid ebony mickey. “Besides, while we quite like Random Chaosian trade, we don’t depend on it - trying to stop Brancalandian logging with a few tariffs would be like nailing jelly to a tree. They don’t call us Branch-aland for nothin’. Maybe instead of messing with trade, you could share in our prosperity by giving your furnishing industry subsidies? Who doesn’t like a chesterfield, eh?”
  3. “You can’t see the forest for the trees, Leader; we need to branch out and sway every other nation to put the wood in the hole on Brancaland’s ebony,” opines pun-loving hip folk musician Woodie Gumtree. “They won’t be shaking the pagoda tree when you sow the seeds of mistrust. Bribe some industry periodicals to declare that their wood is as soft and weak as a banana. Buyers will think they’re barking up the wrong tree and instead leaf through some selections we approve of - like our own lighter Random Chaosian mahogany. It’ll be as easy as falling off a log, knock on wood.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, libraries have replaced overdue book fines with mandatory mental health assessments.

2020-06-24 15:00

You Don’t Have to Be Mad to Kill People... But It Helps

Random Chaos was in shock after a recent mass murder, and shocked again when the suspect pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity, after a privately employed psychiatrist convinced the courts that he had no ability to tell right from wrong. Random Chaosians are deeply divided over the notion of insanity pleas, and many angry citizens are demanding that you step in.

  1. “The only thing that’s insane is that you’re actually considering allowing this!” cries a parent of one of the victims of the attack. “Whether or not this man is insane doesn’t change the fact that my son is gone! This... murderer could have easily accessed psychiatric help and must take responsibility for his actions. He should face a proper jail sentence in a proper jail. All these insanity pleas do is give criminals an opportunity to abuse the system. We must show the scum of Random Chaos that they can’t hide behind so-called ‘pleas’! Justice must prevail!”
  2. “Actually, it is very difficult for the mentally ill to get the help they need in Random Chaos,” reminds the suspect’s attorney after receiving a death glare from the parent. “It is not their fault that they’re suffering and any psychiatrist worth their degree would agree that many don’t have the mental capacity to determine right from wrong. We should be sending these people to mental institutions where they can be healed, not overcrowded prisons!”
  3. “The solution to everything is a compromise,” declares one of your staffers, who claims that working for you has caused him to go insane. “Require everyone accused of a crime to go through vigorous mental health testing to see if they are insane or not. This way, experts decide whether or not someone is insane at the beginning of a trial, leaving little room for errors.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all government facilities are built in the subterranean citadel of Random Chaos City.

2020-06-24 09:00

A Capital City for Random Chaos?

As Random Chaos continues to grow, so too does its government. The number of politicians needed to administrate and legislate the country is rapidly surpassing the Houses of Parliament’s capacity with ministers often requiring periscopes to see the House Speaker. Some are suggesting a new building be built in another city - a city which would then be designated as the capital city of Random Chaos.

  1. “I would like to make a humble recommendation for my own proud jurisdiction,” says Sabrina Redwood, mayor of one of Random Chaos’s major cities. “It would be an honour for our city to be host to the seat of power! If it will seal the deal, you can change the name if you like...”
  2. “Hah! Capital city indeed!” shouts Amber Wu, a fervent anarchist, spilling leaflets all over the floor. “What’s wrong with being free as the wind? Do you really think one city could possibly represent a whole country? Its people? I’ve had enough of the man trying to screw us down all the time! Say NO to a national capital!”
  3. “I can accept and even approve of having a capital city,” says Diego Einstein, a military strategist. “But we’d be putting all our eggs in one basket if we choose somewhere too vulnerable! Believe me, capitals always get the brunt of the enemy attack because of their political and economic importance. We should put aside a few billion chips and build our capital city underground. They’ll never bomb us there!”
  4. “I’ve got an idea,” says theme park tycoon, Lindsay Tew. “My company will happily sponsor the new establishment and cover all costs - as long as it’s made to our specifications. We’ve already got plans drawn up to put a roller coaster straight through the House of Commons! A cafe, some kiosks for ice cream... maybe even a water slide or two in the lobby! It’ll be one part legislative seat of government, one part family-fun theme park! Tourists will flock from around the globe!”
  5. “What’s wrong with the old building?” asks Katniss Love, a noted disestablishmentarian. “We don’t need some kind of fancy capital city just to make the bigwig ministers feel important! If there’s no room, then fire politicians until there IS room. Have you never heard of doing more with less?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, recognised healthcare professionals treat diabetes with a grain of sugar in a barrel of water.

2020-06-24 03:00

Thrown Into Sharp Relief

A 3-year-old girl, named Alexandra, recently died from a nasty chest infection. The case was notable, as doctors are claiming that a simple course of penicillin could easily have saved her life, and are laying blame for the death upon the advice of a ‘spirit-energy healer’ who advised the girl’s parents to treat their child with acupuncture.

  1. “Allowing these fraudsters to kill children with their pseudo-medical claptrap should be criminal!” shouts Dr. Dirk Howell, a famed debunker of alternative medicine, as he slaps a hot mug of soothing echinacea tea out of your hands. “The same standards of evidence-based practice and criminal responsibility that doctors face should be forced on these conmen. Also, any parents who deny their children proper medical treatment should be held accountable for criminal neglect.”
  2. “What happened to that child was a tragedy,” concedes animistic healer Kayla Peters as she hangs amethyst pendants around the room to absorb the negative energies being generated, “but my prescribed treatments would have saved her life, if only they hadn’t been disrupted by the scepticism and disbelief from her biomedical doctors. I can show you the logical arguments that underpin my science, but ultimately, shouldn’t everyone have the freedom to choose their own health care provider?”
  3. “Look, I love freedom as much as the next passer-by who needs to crash at your place,” comments Pablo, a random hobo rousing from a nap on your couch to voice an opinion, “but to me it sounds like this is about the state’s responsibility for the safety of children. Why not just force parents to take their kids to an actual doctor, but let the adults do whatever they want with their own bodies? Also, are you going to finish that sandwich?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, women complaining about lack of opportunity are told to "man up".

2020-06-23 21:00

1x, 2x, 3x, a Lady

Globally, the fields of engineering, technology and science have historically seen women significantly under-represented. Independent magazine Women’s Problems Monthly has engaged in a root cause analysis to investigate, noting that a major contributor to this is girls losing interest in mathematics at school, with a knock-on reduction in applications for maths-related degree courses.

  1. “There’s a cultural poison at the root of this where boys and girls get assigned toys, magazines and hobbies according to arbitrary societal expectations of gender roles,” complains ardent replica sword collector Cortana Negan. “Boys get chemistry kits and toy robots. Girls get baby dolls and make-up sets. Is it any wonder they think mathematics and science aren’t meant for them? We must legislate to regulate in retail, advertising, parenting and primary education!”
  2. “Leave our kids alone! Boys and girls are different; it’s just opportunity that needs to be made more equal,” declares tiara-wearing nuclear physicist Samus Tin, clutching her pink unicorn pencil case protectively. “It’s in higher education and the workplace that the self-perpetuating old boys’ club mentality exists. You should set a reasonable quota for education and employment, to ensure neither gender represents more than 70% of intake.”
  3. “Women’s talent exists, it’s just that SOME useless girls won’t go out and take the opportunities that are already there,” declares Jadzia Chicago, a venture capitalist renowned for her cut-throat business style, as she breaks wind loudly and scratches at her unshaved armpits. “Too many teenage ‘princesses’ think that it is unfeminine to be ambitious. If they prefer to associate self-worth with personal grooming and fashion rather than intellect and financial success, then they deserve what they get. Don’t patronise an entire gender, Leader; just let individuals rise and fall according to their own merits.”
  4. “Uh... I don’t really like to be the token male voice here,” whispers token male voice Alfred Janeway, “but the reason I got into maths was the same reason I got into wargames, model trains and chess club. I’d rather do guy things with guys! Can’t you instead encourage this positive trend? Give student grants to men who study male courses, like maths and engineering. You can give grants to women for female subjects, like knitting, drama and so on. That’d be equal, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the "boy who cried wolf" policy makes sick people reluctant to call an ambulance.

2020-06-23 15:00

Failure to Respond

Recently, you found yourself trapped in a broken-down elevator, waiting nearly five hours for emergency services to turn up. You were told this was because their resources were tied up dealing with (among other things) a fake bomb scare, a patient taken to hospital with a runny nose, a man with his beard trapped in a deckchair, a mum having trouble getting groceries home from the store, and a broken DVD player in need of “emergency” repairs.

  1. “I can’t believe we were trapped all that time because some idiots don’t know the difference between an emergency vehicle and a taxi,” complains Clint, your aide. “And that poor lady we were stuck with, and her overflowing catheter bag! That didn’t end well for any of us... You should allow emergency services to ignore the calls of those who misuse the services!”
  2. “Agreed, and we should also punish misuse of emergency services,” suggests Jane Shatner, a police officer who has recently returned from being called out to scare a toddler into eating his greens. “Anyone who wastes our time should do time in prison! Lock them up!”
  3. “You can’t discourage people from using services when they might really need them,” asserts fire fighter Moff Beachcroft, striking a heroic magazine-cover pose. “I know that there are some who misuse the system, but overall, they need to know that we’ll be there for them in times of crisis. In fact, you should boost the budgets of emergency services, and give us workers a pay bonus for each call we respond to. It’s the only way to keep our nation safe!”
  4. “Look, there’s a reasonable middle ground here,” offers former model and coastguard officer Casey Parker. “Just run an advertising campaign discouraging unnecessary emergency calls, and warn that you’ll fine callers who waste resources. Like, maybe a poster of some barbed wire with the slogan ‘Don’t call me, babe.’ We’ll cut down on time-wasting and also raise funds that you can use to cut down income tax.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the Foreign Ministry thinks an eye for an eye is a blindingly good idea.

2020-06-23 09:00

Murder Most Deniable?

The popular radio host, Alexandra Lukin, Marche Noire immigrant and vocal critic of the country she fled, was found sprawled across the sundial of Random Chaos City Park at noon, dead as a South Random Chaosian Dodo. Advisors have gathered in the shadowy recesses of your office, wondering what to tell The Hatrackia’s waiting press.

  1. “Marche Noire did this,” grunts Freddy Kaine, your implacable Minister of International Relations, wearing a hole in your carpet as he paces in his Army-surplus boots. “Ms. Lukin was a respected resident of our country, and they killed her. Well, I say we show those Marche Noirian mouth-breathers that they can’t treat our household names this way. I say we hit them with a trade embargo. Kill any deal with Marche Noire. Random Chaos doesn’t want pretty wooden knickknacks, lobster, and truffles from murderers.”
  2. “Let’s not be excessive,” chuckles Erica Räikkönen, Minister of Cover-Ups and International Trade, who coincidentally part-owns an authentic Marche Noirian restaurant. “Leader, for the sake of trade, you must ignore this little protocol slippage. Take away Marche Noire mountain truffles shaved over a Marche Bay lobster linguini and served in a hand-carved hickory bowl and the Free Land will riot. Perhaps it was an accident? Ms. Lukin slipped on an abandoned banana skin, fell back and landed on the knife in her own pocket. Trying to stand, she alas fell onto her knife a further forty-one times.” She jams a truffle between your lips.
  3. “Leader,” whispers Salvatore Woolf, Head of Secret Service, “no-one’s suggesting we let Marche Noire get away with murder. But it occurs to me that we have a one-off opportunity to strike at one of the thorns in our own rump. Consider Dan Couch, Random Chaos’s most troublesome emigrant and muck-raking filmmaker, who has stirred anti-Random Chaosian sentiment with his films Bread and Circuses and The Storm that Shakes the Amaranth. He’s hiding over in Marche Noire, making his incendiary drivel. My operatives can go and...” he slashes his finger across his throat.
  4. “You’re really overthinking how Ms. Lukin came to be stabbed forty-two times.” Aldo Egan clucks his tongue, while corking the barrels of your guards’ guns. “It happened because someone had a knife. Why did someone have a knife? Because people sell knives. Do you see where I’m going? Ban knives, and your whole problem goes away.” Ruminating, he tosses a precariously-hanging Picasso into the bin and replaces it with a poster reading Safety is Fun. “Best ban forks, too. Someone will put an eye out one day.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Insurance Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, adults pretending to be teenage girls claim to have wholesome motives.

2020-06-23 03:00

The Woman From AUNT

An intelligence team, the “Agents Undercover to Neutralize Troublemakers”, has pinpointed the headquarters of notorious crime boss Sal Bone. Unfortunately, it is concealed within a local orphanage, of which Mr. Bone is a sponsor. Lacking only a smoking gun, AUNT has come to your office with a delicate request.

  1. “AUNT would like to launch a mole operation inside the orphanage,” buzzes Special Agent Lara Allen, radioing in from an undisclosed location. “One problem: none of the team is young enough to pull off an effective inside job. We’ve been kicking around the idea of recruiting and training a few kids — maybe orphans themselves — to act as our eyes and ears. Already got a circus kid named Grayson as a potential candidate. There’s a lot of covert situations where juvenile agents could be useful. If this mission goes well, we could even expand their role into a full-time intelligence division.”
  2. “The team opinion ain’t unanimous!” yells Special Agent Cassidy Fraser, her voice crackling through the receiver. “We don’t need to endanger defenseless children! We just need to teach smaller-sized adult women how to act like kids. With a convincing enough performance, I’m sure they’ll pass as kids in no time!”
  3. “What are these fools waiting for?” bellows Colonel McDuck, furiously switching off the communication channel. “A 90% certainty is good enough for me. The best thing to do is to stop messing about, and authorize SWAT teams to kick down doors, blast holes in walls, and raid the orphanage, ASAP. Perhaps if we had a little more efficiency, we could cut AUNT’s departmental budget, and channel it into funding actual combat-ready military counter-terrorism units.”
  4. “I represent a group which is... strongly concerned... with the ever-increasing surveillance state within this great nation,” murmurs a Random Chaosian in a dapper black suit, sidling into the room to hand you a freshly-printed business card. “Spying on a private citizen, a benefactor of an orphanage no less, is nothing less than harassment.” He gestures tenderly to a large briefcase sitting next to him. “I’m sure a... satisfactory arrangement can be reached here. You wouldn’t want to frighten some perfectly innocent children, now would you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, no animal is considered endangered if there's another that looks kind of like it.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Psychotic Dictatorship" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2020-06-22 21:00

Gamblers Breed Contempt

A legal battle is raging between the Random Chaos Department of Life, The Universe, and Environment and Kay Rumble Property Development Group. While surveying for a luxury condominium complex, a rare gambler subspecies, the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark gambler, was found traipsing around the proposed build site, potentially holding up construction.

  1. “I’m all for protecting truly endangered animals,” grumbles Harley Johnson, the head of the housing firm, “but you can’t walk ten feet in Random Chaos without tripping over a gambler. So what if these particular ones have a different spot on their underbellies or whatever? I’m trying to build houses for people — your people — and I keep running into red tape because of these damn hippies! We need to loosen these protection laws so I can get on with my job.”
  2. “But the three-striped, er... or was it four-toed gambler, is truly unique!” squeals Ludwig Quinn, a noted environmentalist, while nursing a baby gambler. “This subspecies is rare enough without these greedy opportunists destroying the only habitat they have left. These poor darlings need our protection. If an endangered species, subspecies, or genetically diverse population has been spotted, no form of molestation or habitat destruction should be allowed.”
  3. “With all due respect, you’re huffing and puffing over a truly simple matter,” chastens Samus Wong, an amateur carpenter, while patting your shoulder gently. “We don’t need to drive these creatures nor land-development to extinction. If we require developers create new habitat to replace whatever endangered populations they destroy, then everybody wins, don’t they? I’m sure the two-spotted glow-in-the-dark gambler will adapt just fine to their new, man-made habitats.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rich people sell their mansions to pay for endless rows of mobile homes.

2020-06-22 15:30

Maison d’Être?

With housing costs rising at a ridiculous rate, younger citizens find themselves about ten times as unlikely to own a home as their parents. Perturbed youngsters, disgruntled businessmen and the obliviously privileged are shouting at you to do something; anything, really.

  1. “Where in Violet’s name are these poor kids supposed to live?” cries Ernie Flanders, an elderly, yet surprisingly hip, politician, speaking from the comfort of his second-home garden patio. “This new generation is our future, and we cannot turn away and leave them out in the cold. The government must take charge and push through a massive erection of affordable homes in order to shelter these youngsters. And the top 1% should pay for it; it’s about time that they started paying their fair share.”
  2. “As if the youth of today needed any more excuses to be lazy,” sputters construction mogul and landlord extraordinaire Stan Buytoleto. “The real problem here is obviously the draconian government planning regulations and ridiculous safety standards you have in place, stifling development and creative solutions. Let the free market take its course and I’ll have all kinds of houses up all over the place. All involved will profit: it will create jobs, get rid of superfluous greenery and settle the problem of homeless ingrat... eh, young people...”
  3. “Oh heavens, all of that sounds completely unnecessary, if you ask me,” interjects Ash von Bismarck, your Minister For Tea And Scones, while preparing warm milk for stray undergrads. “We needn’t do much to make housing more available, really. People like me and others of my generation have more than enough space, be it in our townhouses or the cottage up-north. So why can’t the little ragamuffins come stay with us? They could help out around the house to earn their keep, so to speak. Some of my neighbors might need a little government ‘encouragement’, but all in all, no complete overhaul required.”
  4. “It’s so stupid,” says coffee shop barista Carmen Croft, her milk-steamer fueled solely by resentment towards anyone over the age of forty. “The banks and the old people, like, ruined the economy and everything with their years of loose lending and grabbing anything with a roof; it’s so totally their fault. Haha, what if the government like maxed out taxes on second-homes and upped the interest rates on the oldies’ debts by, like, really, really lot of percentages or whatever. You know, to balance out the damages caused to the housing market. That would be so funny.”
  5. “Oh where is your spirit of adventure?” exclaims Karl Kim, chair of the homeowners association Heart Of Darkness. “What we have is an abundance of young people slouching around without house or home, correct? I say we send them off with a couple of muskets and bayonets to find their own place in the world; settle new colonies and bring the light of Random Chaos to all corners of the world! It might affect domestic labor availability slightly, but think of the wealth we would collect with all of the new territory.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bungee jumpers frequently go splat.

2020-06-22 09:00

Death by Bungee

The Random Chaos City Times recently reported that Random Chaos leads The Hatrackia in deaths from bungee jumping. In response, a handful of advocates have petitioned your office to remedy the unusual situation.

  1. “Bungee jumping is all good fun,” says Bunga Bunga Bungee Business Bund Bigwig Bernard Bungalow. “It would be criminal to criminalize such a rewarding, family-friendly activity. All the members of my organization have stellar records of safety, unlike the fools at Bungee Bonanza. I mean come on, what kind of idiot uses a 50 meter bungee for a 30 meter cliff? So to distance reputable businessmen from their corner-cutting counterparts, the government should publish a list of accredited bungee institutions to help jumpers to make informed choices.”
  2. “Bungee jumping is insane,” argues Konrad Hudson, who always wears a helmet, just in case. “My cousin split his head open while bungee jumping. Our entire family was devastated. The only reasonable solution is to ban dangerous activities like bungee jumping, skydiving, oh - and anything involving scissors.” Sipping from a glass of pasteurized water, he continues, “Some people may complain it’s ruining their fun, but as I like to tell them, it’s hard to have fun when you’re dead, eh!”
  3. “Let’s not cry over spilt milk,” says funeral home director Cassidy Phillips, rubbing her hands with barely-disguised glee. “As for the few deaths, at least they perished doing something they enjoyed. To be honest, I don’t know why Random Chaos needs all these pansy safety regulations.” She pushes a stack of chips towards you. “Let them go splat!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, all footpaths have tollbooths.

2020-06-22 03:00

Right of Way or Wrong of Way?

An increasing number of land owners have been fencing off footpaths which run through or near their property and as a result you have been petitioned by The Ramblers’ and Hikers’ Association to allow the ‘right to roam’.

  1. Billy-Bob Keating, a famous hiker of Random Chaos’s countryside, storms into your office, arms waving dangerously. “These pompous land owners are fencing off hundreds of years of tradition! The public should have right of way by law! It is every man’s right to be able to enjoy the scenic beauty of our native lands and I don’t see why some toffee-nosed prat should be the only person allowed to walk around his hundreds of acres of land when most of us don’t even have one! It’s simply unforgivable! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a walk! Wherever I ruddy well like!”
  2. “It’s trespass, plain and simple,” says Ginny Reyes, wealthy owner of six mansions. “My home is my castle! If these smelly ramblers think they can abuse and defile my land, they should start thinking again! You’ve got to look at this reasonably: where people go, pollution follows. Before I know it I’m going to have litter in my fields, drunken parties in my woods, and more eroded footpaths than I can count! Will they be the ones paying to have it all maintained? Not likely! I say no to this ‘right to roam’ rubbish! This land is mine, and I intend to keep it that way.”
  3. “There’s an opportunity in every problem,” says Leroy Xiaoping, your Minister of Rural Affairs. “And there’s always some sort of compromise. We could simply allocate some government funding to teams of environmental workers to maintain and promote our network of footpaths that anyone may use... for a price. Think of the money we could get from all those hikers and ramblers! Not to mention the tourists, birdwatchers, and hippies! Everybody wins! Except for those who can’t afford the fees, I guess, but you can’t please everyone.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children often kick gamblers for amusement.

2020-06-21 21:00

Scientists Declare That Gamblers Are Persons

Recent research into gambler intelligence reveals that they have several characteristics associated with human intelligence. There is apparently evidence of advanced object permanence, capacity for empathy, self-awareness, problem solving, and even a language system. Voices in Random Chaos are now demanding that the government should grant them legal personhood.

  1. “These animals are both sentient and intelligent,” says Lance Sestero of the Council for the Study of Animal Intelligence, while desperately trying to play Scrabble with a gambler. “In all important ways they meet our standards for personhood. The government must therefore declare them legal persons with some basic civil rights. That means no more cages, needles or circus shows; they must have full bodily liberty.” He looks down at the board: “Hey, wait a minute, ‘DEAT’ isn’t a word!”
  2. “You’re not seriously going to listen to this quack, are you?” shouts Georgina Barnes, Great Big Bahpoo of the Cult of Cyan, a religious group so esoteric they make Violetism seem straightforward. “So what if gamblers are intelligent? Were they given dominion over the earth and all its inhabitants? No, those things were given to us, humanity. These animals are here to cater to our basic needs, like carrying heavy loads, or teaching them how to juggle and selling them to the circus. Gambler personhood? What blasphemy. You’d be better off stripping them of any ‘animal’ rights they have today.”
  3. “Don’t listen to that human supremacist,” quips Mallory Johnson of the Animal Liberation Front, while donning a ski-mask and grabbing her bolt cutters. “However, merely granting gamblers personhood is not going far enough. We must give them full citizenship and allow them to vote and represent themselves in our government, free from human interest and according to their own concerns. Sure, it’ll be a tad complicated, and expensive. Voter registration might prove troublesome, and we need to figure out exactly how they would vote. But that’s the price we must pay to defeat speciesism once and for all!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Members of Parliament operate under a PAYE scheme.

2020-06-21 15:00

Voting for More Money

It has long been traditional in Random Chaos for Members of Parliament to set their own salary. This has, however, led to a recent vote in which members unanimously tripled their pay. Watchdog groups have spoken out against this.

  1. “Oh, wouldn’t the world be a happier place if we could all decide our wages,” shouts Winston Schultz, leader of the World Of Watchdog, an anti-corruption foundation. “Who in their right minds would vote against getting more money with no strings attached? This quite obviously cannot be allowed to continue or where will it end? That money should be used to fund hospitals, not personal luxuries! Well enough is enough! Politicians’ salaries should be set by public vote! Maybe then we’ll see something more reasonable!”
  2. “I couldn’t agree less,” says Calvin Baldwin, a Member of Parliament. “Sure, some people might think that having eight cars and three secretaries is excessive, but I’m doing our country a valuable service. Probably one of the most important services there is: representing the people and deciding what course our country should take. It’s an incredibly stressful job and there’s no way we could do it with lower pay. Members of Parliament ought to be allowed anything they want in return for all they do for Random Chaos. If we have what we want we’re less likely to take bribes too.”
  3. “Perhaps there’s a way to compromise,” says Imogen Glover, an amateur economist, philosopher and lepidopterist. “The problem here is that politicians could either be paid too little or too much. What if we paid them just right by paying them according to how well they do their job? Keep a close monitor on the needs of their constituencies and give bonuses for resolving problems and coming under budget. It gives them a proper monetary incentive to do their jobs. Some will have a harder time than others and the whole idea may be costly but if it cracks down on corruption I’m all for it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, judges are all-powerful.

2020-06-21 09:00

12 Angry, Tired, and Increasingly Confused Men

The trial of one of the most notorious embezzlers in Random Chaos has ended after eight years with a “Not Guilty” verdict, despite most legal experts considering the evidence overwhelming. Some have suggested that trial by jury should be abolished for certain complex financial crimes.

  1. “Eight years wasted on that crook all because the jury couldn’t keep up with the technical terms involved!” rants exasperated state prosecutor Randy Hammarskjöld, stuffing papers into a briefcase after the trial. “I’m not saying we should do away with trial by jury altogether, but for cases like these, which involve a great deal of expertise to even understand the laws in the first place - corruption, fraud, insider trading - there’s simply no benefit in depending on a group of uninformed citizens to come up with a verdict.”
  2. “Why are we so hung up on trial by jury anyway?” shrugs the author of the controversial bestseller Leviathan: The Matter, Form and Power of Leader’s Mother. “When you go to the doctor, do you depend on twelve random strangers for your diagnosis? Of course not. Democratic principles have their practical limits: we mustn’t entrust the courts to dull-witted jurors who don’t understand basic concepts such as reasonable doubt.”
  3. “Ooh, and what else do you expect me to do, luvvie?” clucks the most prolific juror in Random Chaos, Kathryn North as she rolls up a copy of this week’s Alright! magazine. “You know, I wouldn’t mind deciding on parking disputes, especially if I get to chat with Rita from the Milton murder trial again. Did you hear she’s had her hair done again - oh, where was I? Oh right, well this ‘pyramid scheme’ thing might’ve given me a headache, but at least it got me out the house.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, minority children spend hours bussing to schools miles away from home.

2020-06-21 03:00

Bigtopian Protesters Cry for Full Integration

Bigtopian activists have staged a sit-in at the largest primary school in Random Chaos bringing education to a halt in a bid for integration and tolerance.

  1. “You know... it’s not that we don’t let them in... it’s that they don’t apply,” murmurs Principal Roger Hamilton, coughing nervously. “I mean, yeah, sure, if these Bigtopians lived around here... uh... we’d let them into the school. But... you know... this isn’t exactly a Bigtopian community, you know? So... uh... could you please put a stop to these protestors? Oh, and, uh...” Here he leans forward and whispers. “... make sure those creepy Bigtopian protestors don’t show up at my school again, okay?”
  2. “The time has come for the dream of equality to be realized!” shouts noted Bigtopian rights activist Rosalia Normous, slamming a fist against your desk. “I see Lilliputians, Tasmanians, and Lord knows how many East Lebatuckese keeping my Bigtopian brothers holed away in their prisons of blindness and ethnic apartheid! The time has come for full integration! If these schools are going to keep us out, I say it’s time we were bussed in!”
  3. “Well, that’s all well and good, but it ain’t well and good enough!” screams Agnes True, leader of Bigtopians Rising Against Totalitarianist Scum, slamming a black-gloved fist against the podium during a recent pep rally. “We ain’t just bein’ kept out of their schools; we’re bein’ kept out of their neighborhoods! The oppressive majority fears us, but they can’t hold us back any longer! The government needs to integrate the community as a whole by pushing out the majority and making way for a very loud, very angry minority!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is known abroad for fast food and nothing else.

2020-06-20 21:00

Little Pizza History

Prominent restaurant chain Pop’s Eatery recently announced plans to tear down the historic Cash Mansion in Random Chaos City and replace it with a fast food restaurant. Disgusted by the impending destruction of a national landmark, two dozen history students have surrounded the site, delaying the building’s demolition and causing just enough ruckus to get your attention.

  1. “We cannot accept this blatant destruction of our culture!” cries a surprisingly agile social studies teacher, leaping into your office window after scaling the side of the capitol building. “It’s common knowledge that Douglas Cash was the leader of the revolutionaries that founded this country... or was he the inventor of that spinning doohickey? Either way, the Cash residence is a priceless piece of our national history. The government should protect the site as a national landmark... and put more funding towards historical education while you’re at it.”
  2. “Out with the old and in with the new!” opines Hercules Meyer, manager of Pop’s Eatery, while handing out free samples to everyone in sight. “These fried saltballs were invented right here in Random Chaos by one of my top chefs, and at least in my opinion, that’s some Random Chaosian culture worth celebrating. If you assign a few more cops to keep away the overeducated hooligans from my stores, then I could have a free hand to open Pop’s Eateries on every corner of Random Chaos.”
  3. “Why not have your cake and eat it too?” asks your underachieving Culture Minister, May Strange, while tucking into a tray of vol-au-vents taken from a recent gallery opening. “By which I mean have food AND culture at the same time. We should preserve these historical sites and allow - no, actually, make that REQUIRE - that they all have restaurants built within them. Imagine it: a roast on the spit in an old castle, tea and scones in noble palaces, all-you-can-eat-buffets in museums commemorating the Great Random Chaosian Famine. Now that’s what I call culture!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, school lockers are filled with fancy underwear.

2020-06-20 15:00

Wrecked by Wrestling?

A little kid has accidentally broken her classmate’s spine imitating her favorite wrestler Bulk Bogan’s “Gambler Tackle” move.

  1. “Ban wrestling!” screams Waylon Kelly, founder of the group People Opposed to Practically Everything, using his sign to break your office window. “My deadbeat ex took my kids to a wrestling match once, and that was the worst thing that ever happened to them! They began beating up other kids on the playground — my little girl tried to bodyslam a teacher. She now says she wants to be called ‘Saraya’ instead of Paige, which is her real name and far more sensible. Outlaw this ritualised violence! Do it for the children.”
  2. “I’m THE BULK!” bellows Bulk Bogan, breaking a pre-weakened two-by-four on his own forehead. “You want to know what THE BULK thinks about all this? Only THE BULK can make these moves, but if you kids wanna learn these moves FOR REAL and FOR SAFE, then en... enr... bring them to the BULK BOGAN Academy for Little Wrestlers!”
  3. “A school for wrestling? That’s not what Random Chaos needs,” says Kay Faybe, your Minister of Party Pooping. “All Random Chaos needs is an awareness program teaching people that professional wrestling is in fact fake. Then everyone would just stop complaining.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pet owners must make a payment if their charges leave a deposit.

2020-06-20 09:00

Putting Your Foot in It

While out jogging in the park, you step straight into a dog’s mess. Passers-by are quick to offer advice.

  1. “Disgusting, isn’t it?” asks city worker Harambe Bronte. “If you ask me, we need to clamp down on irresponsible dog owners. All public parks should be patrolled by dog wardens, able to dish out heavy fines to those who can’t be bothered picking up what their dumb pets’ behinds leave behind.”
  2. “Like that’s going to make any difference,” sneers professional dog-walker Marleen Hart. “The problem is a lack of places to dispose of the stuff. Nobody wants to carry around a smelly bag of doo-doo until they can find a place to put it. Install more bins, and that should do the trick.”
  3. “Ugh, dogs are so disgusting,” complains ailurophile Stan Oliver, as the pet cat accompanying him drops a dead bird at his feet and cleans its paws with its tongue. “Felines are much lovelier than dogs; they groom themselves constantly, and do their business in a tray, not outside like those mangy canines do. With that in mind, I propose that we restrict the ownership of dogs with hefty license fees, and use that money on a national campaign promoting the virtues of cats instead.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a weakened police force struggles to maintain law and order.

2020-06-20 03:00

Police Too Pushy?

A group of ‘concerned compatriots’ (Citizens Raging Against the Police) have protested against the enormous numbers of police officers enforcing the law on their daily lives.

  1. “I’m constantly surrounded by over-zealous policemen!” deplores Hercules Phillips, a spokesperson for the group. “Just last week I was arrested for letting my baby cry too loudly in public! This is ridiculous! The government needs to cut back the police force and let citizens get on with their lives without interference! If that means allowing muggers, thieves, burglars, pickpockets, murderers and all the rest to not have coppers breathing down the back of their necks constantly then so be it! This really is too much!”
  2. “You can’t listen to what they’re saying!” gasps Police Chief May Weasley, horrified. “These nuts would have us living in utter anarchy! If some robbers suddenly decide to break into a shop and steal everything, what’s the owner going to do? What could anyone do without a well-funded police force? There has to be justice and law or we’d be nothing better than a bunch of savages. Stick to your guns, I say, and let me arrest these subversives - people need to be taught to show some respect!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's nothing more gay than bleeding for your nation.

2020-06-19 21:00

Blood Type: Gay Positive

Zeke Galavan, a young man prevented from donating much-needed blood because of his sexuality, has been on a media blitz after popular queer magazine Out! picked up and disseminated the story. With the newscycle being dominated by the topic, your inundated press office has requested you come to a decision on what to do. In that vein, you’ve called all parties to the case to your office.

  1. “I know this may seem discriminatory, but it’s for very good reasons,” begins hematologist Dr. Clint Acula. “Statistics show that men who have sex with men have a much higher chance of being infected with diseases which can’t be immediately detected or treated — like VODAIS, for example. Allowing them to donate blood would pose the risk of infecting innocent people who need blood transfusions. We must protect the blood supply and forbid men who have sex with men from donating blood. As a scientist, I absolutely insist.”
  2. “This is simply outrageous!” Galavan stresses loudly. “Banning gay people from donating blood because of some outdated statistics is just an excuse to keep a homophobic hangover from another time. The vast majority of people who donate blood, gay or straight, are free from infection. These doctors are worried about infection but straight people can have infected blood too! VODAIS is no longer a gay disease. You need the blood; we have the blood. Instead of banning certain groups from donating, how about you spend more money on developing more advanced methods of detecting infected blood quicker?”
  3. “As always, no-one sees the obvious solution,” says Jane Stark, your Health Minister. “We should allow gay men to donate blood but, to keep the risk of infection low, mandate that gay men who want to donate blood go through monthly medical checks to make sure they’re ‘clean’. That way no-one gets infected, while gay people can donate. Everyone is happy!”
  4. “But the LORD sayeth YOU SHALLETH NOT prick the finger of THE GAYETH because you might becometh GAYETH yourself. Eth!” shouts Sherlock Brown, representative of some faith groups within Random Chaos. “The gays want to donate blood to infect everyone with their gayness! Don’t let that happen, Leader. Not only do we need to ban gays from giving blood, we need to ban them, PERIOD! For the people. DO ITETH in the name of the LORDETH!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children as young as eight can present logical proofs for the existence of the afterlife.

2020-06-19 15:00

No Bones About It

A group of religious fanatics have broken into the Random Chaos City Natural History Museum and destroyed a 75 million-year-old Gorgosaurus skeleton - the only one of its kind in Random Chaos.

  1. “Those maniacs! They blew it all up! Damn them!” wails Dr. Alana Grant, pop-palaeontologist and author of the dubiously-researched Tyrannosaurs of the Jurassic, falling to her knees in horror. “Skeletons like this one provide rare and valuable insight about the history of life on our planet. We must do everything we can to stop these fools from destroying important scientific artifacts! Fortify and defend our museums, by violent means if necessary!”
  2. Dr Maurice Zaius, self proclaimed defender of the faith, slams his religion’s holy scrolls down on your desk, smashing your collection of rare ammonites. “These devout believers were doing the work of the Divine! These demon-lizards are fakes, from the depths of damnation! They are fabrications, to promote the ungodly theory that I call EVIL-lution. We should shut down these houses of lies that call themselves museums, and instead create temples that teach only Holy Truth. Sic semper tyrannosaurus!”
  3. Mathematician Yoshi Curtis, wearing a #notallpriests T-shirt, has the decency to look embarrassed by the previous speaker. “I’m thinking the underlying problem here is that followers of science and religion are always taught to be adversarial to each other. Couldn’t we address that instead, with government-sponsored Faith Academies reconciling the scientific method with theological debate? Many of the greatest advancements were historically made by faith-led nations. Shall we see if we can join them?”
  4. “This raises an interesting point,” muses patriotic soldier Victoria Hoskins. “I hear these dinosaurs were gigantic, killer monsters that ate flesh and struck fear into all who opposed them! Forget the bones of the past - you should be resurrecting those beasts to attack the enemies of Random Chaos. Imagine a pack of hungry Velociraptors, tearing apart your terrified foes!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, photographs that show ladies' ankles are considered risqué.

2020-06-19 09:00

Teacher’s Past Blown Wide Open

A local kindergarten teacher was fired this weekend when the parent of one of her students uncovered her previous job as an adult film star. The teacher has filed a wrongful termination lawsuit against the school.

  1. “It’s disgraceful that this harlot was ever allowed around children!” spits PTA head Carter Leach, spraying your face as he speaks. “If someone of this ill repute can breeze into a job with children, then clearly our vetting processes simply aren’t robust enough. We ought to beef up our interviews, maybe start trading tips with national intelligence agencies so we get the best possible candidates. Our children are worth it.”
  2. “I just fail to see why it’s anyone’s business,” retorts the fired teacher, Sasha Bleu, while twirling her hair around her finger. “It’s not as if I’m adding my old movies to the lesson plan. Really, no one would have known if it weren’t for a nosy parent. Sounds like someone’s secretly a fan of mine! Tell these holier-than-thou prudes to mind their own business - all that matters is the job I’m doing now.”
  3. “We need to take this a step further!” declares noted feminist activist Lee Santos, trying to burn his bra, but only succeeding in melting the latex a little. “Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s a beautiful part of being alive and frankly the level of slut-shaming going on here is absolutely deplorable. Sasha needs to be celebrated, not punished! In fact, maybe government should be subsidising adult entertainment!”
  4. “Random Chaos has travelled too far down a dark path,” reprimands Bishop Rosita Armstrong, who is sprinkling holy water on Ms. Bleu. “I agree something must be done, but we must treat the disease, not the symptom. We must ban videos of the naked form, and indeed, prohibit nakedness anywhere but in private chambers.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, primary candidates are replaced if they fail to compliment Leader's hair.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Authoritarian Democracy" to "Psychotic Dictatorship".

2020-06-19 03:00

The Silent Majority’s Roaring Mouthpiece

Jake Bender recently won your party’s primary for a crucial seat despite a never-ending slew of controversies. He’s brash, impolite and frequently resorts to schoolyard insults, but his supporters are fervent and unwavering. Your advisers worry that further association with him will cost you votes in the next election.

  1. “We must immediately replace him with someone competent as soon as possible!” exclaims your campaign strategist after hyperventilating into a paper bag. “This extremist only appeals to the fringes of the party, not real voters. We will pay dearly if we’re seen supporting and working with people like him. This man is a ticking time bomb of controversies that explodes every hour! Ditch him for the sake of your survival! And for the sake of common decency of course.”
  2. “All this hooey is exactly why we voted for him in first place!” chastises local pig farmer Cassidy Grossman, her pants covered in what you hope is mud. “You’ve lost touch with the common man’s problems, Leader. Jake Bender gets us. He’s not polished and he’s not fake like a career politician. He may not be polite, but he speaks the truth and damn whoever doesn’t like it! He’s got the gumption to put you and your corrupt friends in your place!”
  3. “The problem is the lack of vetting at the nomination process,” suggests Hamlet Nagasawa of the party’s South Random Chaos Riding Association. “The allegations against him didn’t come out until after the nomination took place so our hands were tied. We need better screening of potential candidates, extensive background checks, weeding out problematic beliefs, and the ability to swap out candidates if any... undesirable nominees slip through the cracks.”
  4. “Y’know, his behavior may be radical, but his face certainly isn’t,” begins Special Agent Marina Tesla while leafing through some photos. “Why, I’d say there was at least — oh I don’t know — 37 people who could pass for him.” She hands you a stack of dossiers. “Take this fellow for instance. Ardent supporter of you, spitting image of the unfortunate candidate... easily manipulated. With some vocal training and coach to mirror his mannerisms, we can fix this problem with no one being the wiser. We will have to ‘take care’ of Jake Bender, but that’s really a minor detail.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government adverts say that twelve lashes a day keeps divine wrath at bay.

2020-06-18 21:00

No Need to Beat Yourself Up About It

Now is the Holy Week of the religion of the Tranquility of Yellow. Seven days of divine celebration climax on the last day, when young men and boys self-flagellate in the streets in order to prove their devotion to their god. This display is always a bloody spectacle, and sometimes participants end up in hospital.

  1. “This is a horrid exhibition,” declares Iris Baker, a young mother who had to dodge the self-flagellants as she brought her kids home from school. “How can this primitive horror show be permitted in our civilized society? At the end of the day, there’s so much blood in the street that it looks like a battlefield. Ban this frightful demonstration and force those Yellowite weirdos to pray nicely!”
  2. “Yes, blood in the street never looks good,” concurs Aphrodite Glenn, your Chief of Police. “Foreign news agencies that aren’t friendly towards us always claim that the blood comes from Random Chaosian police brutality. Be that as it may, we can’t give them fuel to add to their fire. Tell these Yellowites that if they must flog themselves, do it inside their own homes — not on the streets!”
  3. “If eternal damnation is what you seek, Leader, then go ahead and ban it,” smugly declares Sebastian Siena, a Yellowite priest, as his nurse tends to his many wounds. “The week of Holy Yellow has been observed for a thousand years, and the act of scourging ourselves en masse is the pinnacle of the week! We must be allowed to follow our religious ideals without hindrance: the commandments say that we need to be punished. In fact, it wouldn’t hurt if the government be more supportive of us flagellants: start portraying Holy Yellow in a more positive way, and let’s see some advertisements about the benefits of self-flagellation. Yes... just like that!” The priest screams in ecstasy as his nurse tends to a particularly deep wound.
  4. “That’s not a bad idea,” muses Ebenezer Modi, the principal of your niece’s school, who came to your office to discuss the best way to discipline your wayward niece. “Because we don’t allow the use of corporal punishment on children, our kids are out of control! Since teachers aren’t allowed to physically caution the children, we should make a law that forces kids to punish themselves: ‘Timmy, you didn’t do your homework — whip yourself for ten minutes’. It’s perfect!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, textbooks are exactly twice as heavy as they used to be.

2020-06-18 15:00

Scripting a Change?

Random Chaos has been watching closely after a neighbouring country adopted the Maxtopian writing system in conjunction with their own native script, as it has since been prospering. A disputation about whether to follow their example has resulted in various weighty reports from competing ministries to read through.

  1. You sit down at your veranda on a quiet afternoon and start with the 642 page report by the Ministry of Tourism, which begins: “It is the opinion of the Minister that we should also adopt the Maxtopian script to run alongside our own writing system. This move would make tourism a far more lucrative prospect, business transactions would be easier and it would promote healthier relations with vital trade partners such as Maxtopia and the United Federation. The Minister mandates that it should be taught in schools immediately in order that Random Chaos may reap the benefits in no more than one or two generations.”
  2. As the afternoon progresses, you pick up the substantially heavy report by the Ministry of Culture, which leads off with: “We strongly state that we should not adopt a new writing system. The current script is rooted in generations of tradition and is the only alphabet the vast majority of Random Chaosians can read or write. The costs associated by implementing a second alphabet would be monumental, therefore the status quo must be maintained. It is further advocated that we must actively encourage greater patriotic spirit and nationalism by explicitly discouraging the use of any foreign script.”
  3. The sun begins to set and you now turn to the rather voluminous report by the Ministry for Creative Solutions, which starts out with: “It is clear that a new writing system is the only viable, long term solution for this present conundrum. A new system that would accurately transcribe the unique pronunciations contained within our language, promoting greater literacy. This new script shall be drafted with simplicity in mind so that native Random Chaosians and foreigners alike would have no trouble learning it. It must be immediately enacted upon and made mandatory in all areas of government, businesses and schools.”
  4. It’s now completely dark and so you retire to bed. On the way, you happen to spot your nephew’s discarded homework, covered in scribbled rantings: “This homework is stupid! Why do we even bother with writing? What good has it ever done for us? I wish schools would stop teaching it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, legislators work 24/7 due to an influx of single-issue bills.

2020-06-18 09:00

Ghost Riders on the Sly

Following the passage of a well-supported bill that contained half a dozen riders, corruption watchdog groups are lobbying the government to take action against the use of these unrelated addenda in lawmaking.

  1. “This is unacceptable,” says legislative clerk Emily Yeltsin, peeking out from behind a wall of 3-ring binders. “It paves the way for corruption, eats up all our time and money, and, quite frankly, is exhausting! We must require each bill to have one - clearly defined - purpose and be able to state that purpose in a concise title. That way we won’t have any more defense spending bills with addenda about cheese processing regulations. The industry will hate it, but if I have to read through one more schizophrenic morass, I’ll quit!”
  2. “Yes, these riders can be a threat to the democratic process,” begins Party Majority Leader Joseph Erso. “But to ban them outright is simply foolish. We need the ability to amend bills, and sometimes those attachments aren’t always clearly connected. Therefore, I propose we grant the legislature the ability to veto any rider by a simple majority vote. That way, necessary riders can still be attached and this other tom-foolery can be nipped in the bud.”
  3. “Look, this is how things have always worked,” says Oprah MacIntyre, the CEO of Cheesemongers Unlimited, Ltd. “Representatives’ time is both finite and valuable. Do you have any idea how many bills there’d be if each one could only have one aim? Legislation would come to a stand-still! Yes, it can be prone to corruption, but find me a government that’s corruption free and I’ll eat my shoe!”
  4. “Can’t trust the government to do anything right,” scolds economic analyst Winston Sims, glancing up from a worn copy of The Fountainhead. “We’ve given it a fair chance, it’s failed, and now the private sector will have to swoop in to fix it. If you privatize the legislature, I can assure you it’ll be humming efficiently and in the black by this time next year!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Occam's razor has sliced to pieces any childhood belief in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

2020-06-18 03:00

The Devil’s Playground

In response to the increasing number of faith-based afterschool programs across Random Chaos, a prominent anti-religion organization has proposed Lessons with Lucifer, a tongue-in-cheek program designed to encourage critical thinking. The vociferous backlash comes to a head when you collect your niece from school.

  1. “This is preposterous!” cries parent Jabulani Weasley, as he plasters every available surface of your vehicle with My God Loves Me bumper stickers, which he pulls from an apparently bottomless satchel. “The program even says ‘Lucifer’! Do not allow these heretics near our precious darlings. Ensure our children are only exposed to religions that are decent and founded on something real.” He runs out of space to place bumper stickers and starts hanging garlic cloves from your rearview mirror.
  2. “These ideological attitudes are exactly why our program is so necessary,” insists a sharply-dressed man in a black suit and sporting a twisted goatee. “No-one has any problem when these religious nuts force their beliefs on the nation’s children, yet everyone’s up in arms about the name of our program. Lessons with Lucifer is all about teaching kids to have an open mind. It’s not devil-worship. It’s rationalism, to prevent kids growing up like this superstitious wacko. You should set children free to explore alternatives to the kooky bull peddled by their parents. Don’t you believe in freedom of religion, Leader?”
  3. “It’s sad,” mumbles your niece, clambering into your vehicle. “I don’t like seeing all these poor unbelievers hanging around. I know they’re all going to suffer everlasting torment when they die. I just wish that someone who really loved their niece, and had a lot of power, would bravely make sure that everyone followed the one true religion so they would all be safe forever. Or else.”
  4. “There is another option,” whispers a hooded figure as they slither up to your side, offering you a contract on leathery parchment and written in sinister scarlet ink. “Permit me to introduce myself... I’m just a devilishly-handsome guy, who’s raring to be your new Education Minister. I have a lot of bold ideas for reform, at no price to the taxpayer. Well, not in chips, anyway...” Cackling, he flees, leaving behind the contract and an unusually sulphurous smell that you hope is a bad stomach rather than brimstone.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, hospitals are run down while the rich pay for private treatment.

2020-06-17 21:30

Healthcare Services Underfunded, Claim Patients

According to some, the RCNHS (Random Chaosian National Health Service) is struggling to pay for the medicinal and surgical treatments required for your citizens.

  1. “The NHS was an ill thought-out idea to begin with!” exclaims conservative aristocrat Nyota Wright IV. “We were much better off in a time when the medical profession was geared towards those who could pay for their treatment. Nowadays the waiting lists are choked with riff-raff of all kinds. I don’t see why I should pay for someone else’s healthcare. Those of us who can afford to pay for a private doctor ought to be allowed to opt out of the NHS tax and if that means lower quality of service for the masses then tough!”
  2. “A sickeningly predictable view from the toffs there,” retorts senior nurse Wil Einstein. “Being diagnosed with an illness is stressful enough without adding a huge financial burden to the equation. Do you honestly believe people should be denied treatment just because they’re poor? The NHS works; people are living longer and fuller lives. I don’t have any problem with contributing to the health of Random Chaos’s citizens. We should increase income tax to improve NHS funding.”
  3. “Naaaah,” says Bruno Lopez, your personal fitness instructor. “The problem is that we are trying to treat all citizens equally. There is no incentive to live a healthy lifestyle. If people had to pay a rate of NHS tax based on such factors as nicotine and alcohol intake, exercise routine and diet then the sensible thing to do would be to take responsibility for one’s own health. The more unhealthy you are, the more you must contribute in tax. We’d have national surveys to make sure no one cheats which would be expensive - but fair. Now give me twenty push-ups.”
  4. “A nice idea but unworkable,” muses Hillary Shewhart, another of Random Chaos’s seemingly ubiquitous economists. “How many people do you expect not to lie through their teeth so they don’t have to pay so much tax? I would suggest that the problem is that drug companies can develop a drug secure in the knowledge that they can charge what they like and the NHS will be pressured to pay for it. We should force drug companies to surrender their drug to competition after, say, five years and the NHS should then only be allowed to buy drugs which are five years old. This will cut down on the costs considerably while still providing excellent service. Patients may die from technically curable diseases but hey... that’s economic reality for you.”
  5. “The National Health Service was doomed to failure before it even started,” says Mario Belcher, a right-wing political commentator. “Anything powered by the ‘goodness of people’s hearts’ is. I don’t give a flying monkey’s about people I’ve never met yet I have to pay money that I earned so they can fix their broken legs or runny noses. What about my broken legs, huh? I call on the government to disband the National Health Service and cut taxes so we can choose our own private health insurance. Those unable to pay should work harder and if they can’t work... well screw ‘em.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military has forsaken terrestrial warfare.

2020-06-17 15:00

You Just Sank My Battleship!

Last month the Random Chaosian Navy’s flagship scandalously sank while docked in the Lahabana Harbor. After analysis, experts concluded the primary cause was rust from poor maintenance.

  1. “Can’t you see we need a hand in the navy?” complains Commodore Elmo Cole while directing a diving crew, “How are we supposed to maintain our fleet if our routine maintenance budget is so paltry? Bigtopia has better warships, and you can’t tell me they’re a martial powerhouse. Grant me as much funding as I need so this doesn’t ever happen again.”
  2. “This only proves that battleships are obsolete,” concludes Kitty Kardashian after watching the newest Star Trek movie, “Random Chaos needs weapons to combat the problems of the 23rd, I mean 21st century. We need to start research and development of an interstellar fleet or we’ll be left behind in the arms race against... I dunno, Klingons?”
  3. “I know the real cause of this catastrophe,” claims Crazy Boris, your least reliable spy, “Blackacre is obviously behind this attack. The signs of sabotage are everywhere.” He takes a swig of vodka before continuing, “The engine explosion was most likely caused by my old nemesis, Ussa Maddox. Give me a free hand and I’ll purge the spies that have infiltrated every level of Random Chaos.”
  4. “You’re all ignoring the bigger problem!” shouts a protester outside your office window, desperately trying to catch your attention, “That sunken battleship is polluting the environment horribly. All kinds of chemicals are seeping from the wreckage, and we’re doing nothing to clean it up. Instead of building yet another war machine, how about we clean up some of our old messes, starting with this shipwreck.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, constipated-looking politicians are uptight about potty mouths.

2020-06-17 09:00

All Hands on Tap!

Hoping to enjoy a quiet afternoon after a busy week full of Cabinet meetings, you are startled as Brian Wilson, your Minister of Health, rushes into your office without even knocking on the door. He is flushed with indignation, and is obsessively rubbing his hands with an antibacterial wet wipe.

  1. “Oh, this is a public health disaster, Leader!” your Health Minister clamours, slipping on a pair of latex gloves before grasping your hands in supplication. “I was in the restroom just a moment ago, and what should I see there? A vile, vulgar villain who left the stall and strode straight out of the door without washing his hands! This is the third time this week I have seen this disgusting behaviour. We need a public health campaign to remind people to wash their hands properly after using the toilet!”
  2. “Excuse me: a villain?” asks Morgan Enuv-Thyme, your secretary, brushing dandruff off your shoulder and blowing a raspberry at your Health Minister. “For your information, I am the villain that he complains about, and I did not wash my hands. So what? Everyone knows that door handles and money have more germs on them than a human bottom, yet nobody washes their hands after touching those. In fact, I think coming into contact with germs probably boosts our immune system, and running taps less is good for the environment. You should be actively promoting water-saving strategies, Leader!”
  3. “This potty talk is unacceptable!” interjects your aunt, who has come to your office unannounced to bring you brownies for your afternoon tea. “My little darling, we talked about this. Toilet business is private business, and we shouldn’t be getting involved. In fact, it’s just poor taste all around for public officials to talk about private functions. Let’s have some decorum in politics, please!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, planes can be grounded for months simply because an inspector "didn't like the color".

2020-06-17 03:00

Mayday! Mayday!

Three weeks ago Oceanic Airlines Flight 209 disappeared from radar, and now a crash has been confirmed, with debris scattered across the sea, and the missing two hundred passengers and crew officially declared dead and lost. This tragedy was only the most recent airplane catastrophe departing from Random Chaos, and anxious flyers are demanding immediate safety improvements.

  1. “Clearly these disasters mean we are long overdue for new aircraft,” states Oceanic Airlines CEO Commodus Brewer while playing with a model jet. “These crashes are caused by outdated, crumbling, and ugly aircraft like the Moeing 606 and the Airtrolley T300. In fact, the average age of any given plane is thirty years! We live in a technological and automated world. It’s time our planes joined the modern world, too! We can build a next generation fleet if the government gave us some funding. Then our skies and safety reputation will be second to none!”
  2. “Our aircraft aren’t the problem, it’s who’s flying the plane!” replies pilot Hudson Sullenburger, running a flight simulator for students. “Did you know that pilot error is the number one cause of accidents? They’ve become lazy, sleep-deprived, and constantly tardy! We need more stringent measures on the training of pilots. We can introduce more intense and hands-on testing and ban anyone without a license from flying. Flying a plane is much more complex than video games make them look.” The trainer now looks at the class and picks on a student. “Now Joey, you ever been in a cockpit before? Or have you seen gladiator movies?”
  3. “I see these crashes all the time,” sighs Jenna Harris, a lead investigator of aviation crashes. “The reason they disappear from radar is because they break-up mid-flight. Maintenance is the obvious problem. We need to require airlines and airports to perform constant maintenance checks on all aircraft and ground any plane with the slightest defect. Yes, that might be costly, but not maintaining planes is even costlier.”
  4. “Do you know how much time and money I waste dealing with all these regulations?” rhetorically asks Montgomery Obama, CEO of Budget Air, an airline so cheap that passengers have to pay extra to have a seat. “We’re talking about metal boxes flying at 20,000 feet in the sky. Of course things are bound to go wrong once in a while! To make things worse my staff are constantly harassed by these government goons. No wonder my pilots are stressed out! The government needs to get off our backs and let us handle things ourselves!”
  5. “I know a perfect solution!” joyously suggests train enthusiast Sun van de Berg. “The solution is to ban all airplanes! Not only are they clearly unsafe; they’re loud, ugly, and are a big contributor to greenhouse gases! Surely we can rely on safer transportation, like trains or boats, for travel. They’re much less susceptible to delays, crashes, and only a fraction of a pollutant compared to planes! All we need is more funding for public transit. You call them slow. I call them scenic.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, 9 out of 10 consumers think that vitamins can cure cancer.

2020-06-16 21:00

A Word From Our Sponsors

With its colorful packaging and pleasantly sweet aroma, Health-Squirt Vitamin Juice has rapidly become one of the most popular drink products in Random Chaos. Helping its sales are prime-time TV adverts claiming that it is “a superfood that puts immune system boosting natural detox elements and energy-enhancing anti-oxidant vitamins into your cardiovascular system”. It was recently discovered that the product has no such qualities, and the adverts are clearly lying.

  1. “False Advertising, Nuisance To Public!” proclaims Ami Negan, lead journalist for Health Magazine, clearly planning her next newspaper headline. “But will it ever go away? In this journo’s humble opinion, yes! Maybe the government should review advertisements to make sure we get THE TRUTH!”
  2. “Or you could relax on our beautiful lounge chairs on our charming private beach,” suggests marketing rep Don Tin, offering you an ice-cool bottle of Health-Squirt, now with Sports Slurp TechnologyTM. “It’s not like we’re doing any harm, and promoting the idea of health has got to be of some benefit to those zombified couch potatoes who sit and play Gamblers vs Skeletons all day. We didn’t really do anything wrong, right? Don’t treat people like idiots who don’t know what they’re buying. Treat them like idiots who keep the consumer economy going! Deregulate advertising, and the free market will create wealth for Random Chaos.”
  3. A tired-looking and shaggy-haired fellow plops down into your comfiest chair. “You know what, Leader? I have had enough of ads. They interrupt my television watching, and we’re basically immune to them anyway.” He sips his Eckie-Cola and adjusts his designer sweatband. “I say we ban all TV advertisements between midday and midnight so we can watch the good stuff on the telly uninterrupted. Now, can I go back to watching my soap opera?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government would rather execute a hundred innocent men than let one guilty one appeal a verdict.

2020-06-16 15:00

Your Execution in 30 Years or Less or You’re Free

Thirty years ago, serial killer Waylon Matsenjwa was sentenced to death, and has been on death row ever since due to constant appeals and backlogs. He was found dead of natural causes in his cell this morning, prompting concerned lawyers, law and order advocates, and everyone else with an opinion to protest the monumental gaps between verdicts and execution.

  1. “Do you realize how much of our budget is being spent on housing these criminals?” cries government auditor Boutros Smithers, as he dots an I and crosses Ts on the latest government expense report. “I understand death row is needed as an ultimate punishment for those who deserve it, but we can’t keep spending truckloads of chips keeping these people for years or even decades on end! We need to set a maximum number of years before the sentencing and execution. Have some mercy on our budget!”
  2. “It doesn’t have to take as long as it does,” proclaims Hayley Boothroyd, a newly-appointed prosecutor. “If someone tries to make an appeal for ‘jury misconduct’ or ‘having an impaired lawyer’, that can delay the process exponentially. If we remove the ability for inmates on death row to appeal, I am positive you’ll see a large decrease in spending on death row and faster trials overall.”
  3. “Time limits? Preventing appeals?” gasps Luke Hanover, a simple country criminal defense lawyer from Southern Random Chaos. “Inmates are still people! Long waiting times are the price we pay for making sure everyone Random Chaos executes is absolutely guilty. Violet help us if we execute an innocent person! Years of habeas corpus proceedings and a large backlog are a small price to pay to ensure justice is truly served. In fact, we need to make it easier for convicted felons to appeal their often harsh sentencing.”
  4. “Clearly, the easiest solution is to execute people once they receive a guilty verdict!” chimes in horror movie aficionado Sasha Nxumalo. “Going to the courtroom would be so much more fun if you got to watch people die! Don’t tell me you wouldn’t go see a trial if that was the case. Oh, and it would probably save money or something.”
  5. “Or we could just abolish capital punishment,” interjects your teenage niece as she takes a break from protesting other perceived injustices in Random Chaos. “You want to save money on killing people? Just stop killing people. Appeals are quite expensive, you know.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, litter collection has replaced fast food as the most popular after-school job.

2020-06-16 09:00

Trash Talk

After massive trash heaps overflowed onto one of Random Chaos City’s busiest intersections, causing traffic to grind to a halt for ten hours, many have agreed that the nation’s litter problem is out of control. In response, representatives from the Society for the Prettying Up of Random Chaos have come to your office proposing a nationwide beautification campaign to pick it all up.

  1. “Our wonderful country is being buried by this refuse!” wails SPURC President Willow Beethoven. “It’s simply a disgrace! We need funding and able-bodied men and women to stage a monthly clean-up of our once-treasured land. We’d pick up litter, plant trees, touch up the paint on the old courthouse — we’d polish up the whole country! As an incentive, participants could receive a small stipend.”
  2. “Now why on Earth should hard-working citizens do this?” asks the Warden of Random Chaos City Penitentiary, Coraline Griffin. “We’ve got plenty of worthless criminals sitting around with their thumbs up their butts. Give these scum something worthwhile to do. They’ll get to pay off their debt to society by helping clean it up!”
  3. “It’s not enough to just clean it up,” asserts the CEO of Showers of Flowers. “We need a massive project to show The Hatrackia how proud of our country we truly are. With a whole lot of government funds, my company could build the Hanging Gardens of Random Chaos City. Picture it now: flowing vines down the walls, blooming daisies, baskets of chrysanthemums, thousands upon thousands of tourists. Think of the pride. Think of the money.”
  4. “Why are we wasting our time with this nonsense?” asks infamous miser Homer Murdoch. “All this hullabaloo over a little trash. Here’s a news flash: there’s always going to be trash! A bunch of hippies prancing around on the government’s dime ain’t gonna change that! You should know better than to spend our tax chips on such frivolous endeavors. Why don’t you beautify our wallets instead and give us a tax break?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Advanced Law Enforcement.

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia fell from "Eminence Grise" to "Enforcer".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, urbanites are banned from bucolic settings for safety concerns.

2020-06-16 04:00

Not Mushroom for Error

Wild mushroom season is upon Random Chaos again, and as is traditional, Random Chaosians from all over the country will go out to gather nature’s bounty. In recent years, however, there have been more and more deaths due to people mistaking poisonous fungi for harmless ones.

  1. “Ignorance is the problem,” comments Mario Morchella, famed plumber and forest forager, passing you a peach he found near an old castle. “You should set up a system for training and licensing people who want to collect wild fungi, require collectors have the best field guide books, and ban any unlicensed individuals from mushroom gathering. Also, increase the number of park rangers, so these life-saving measures are properly enforced.”
  2. “Quality is the problem,” suggests Steve Cantharellus, one of Random Chaos’s leading mycologists. “First, let’s ban wild mushroom foraging. But also, we must increase funding for mushroom farming research. I know we can develop domesticated mushroom varieties and farming methods that would match wild ones for variation in type, good taste, and other desired properties. People can have their mushrooms and eat them without risking death too!”
  3. “Cityfolks is the problem,” retorts Rural Association representative Attila Tuber, in his rustic dialect. “We countryfolk knows good ‘shrooms from bad, all right. It’s just townies coming out to take stuff without even a ‘by your leave’ that is getting theyselves into this here trouble. Let’s keep ‘em out of our fields and woods, where they doesn’t belong no-hows, and then they won’t end up deader ‘n four o’clock. Oh, and we’ll supply you with plenty of fine wild mushrooms for free iffen you wants ‘em.”
  4. “Mollycoddling is the problem,” grumbles libertarian thinker Fanny Amanita. “You should do away with this nanny-state system, and let people take whatever risks they think they can manage; and if they fail… well, then that’s just Darwinism at work.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, families waiting for delayed pipe installations hope daily for rain.

2020-06-15 21:00

Pipe Down, Already!

Residents across your nation have been poisoned due to dangerous levels of lead in the drinking water. A particularly vocal quartet have arrived to tell you how they think you should handle the problem.

  1. “The government needs to fix our pipes!” shouts Lucina Bell, a mother of four children, as she shows you the image of her teary-eyed youngsters shaking their empty Princess Sparkle-Gambler water tumblers. “Look at this report. Those old lead pipes are corroding and it is leaking into our homes. I cannot give this poisonous water to my daughters! Not only does it taste disgusting, it’s also a health hazard. You have to get rid of the old pipes and install new ones! Think of the children!”
  2. “What’s this woman prattling about?” huffs Heidi Grossman, your notoriously penny-pinching Treasury Minister, squeezing a chip until it cuts her palm. “Everyone knows that lead’s not dangerous. It’s good for you. I heard it just this morning on talk-radio. As your body absorbs healthful lead, it seeps into your bones, makes them stronger, and works to protect against the carcinogens of environmental radiation. What we need, Leader, is an extensive campaign to tell everyone the alternative facts about the many benefits of lead: posters, TV ads, catchy tunes... you name it.”
  3. “Replacing pipes would be so expensive, Leader. Fortunately, I have an excellent economic opportunity for both of us,” asserts Magnus Myers, CEO of Basani Water, looking over his steepled fingers with a contorted grin. “People need water. We have water to sell. Simply allow us to add a small desperation levy, say double the price, and we can help the people of our nation while growing our economy at the same time. Sure, the cattle-class might not be able to afford it, but think of the economic incentives!” He sips his company’s water from a champagne flute.
  4. “Let’s just add synthetic EthyleneDiamineTetraAcetic Acid to the water we’ve got!” giggles chemist Sashona Taylor giddily, unaware of the blank looks everyone in the room is giving her. “Oh, for crying out glayven. It’s so simple that any child of five, with an advanced degree in chemical engineering, would understand. By giving the whole population preventative chelation therapy, we can guarantee everyone can drink the water, without wasting valuable time and money on repairing pipes or bringing in fresh water. And sure, a few people might get minor side effects, such as heart palpitations, nausea, fatigue, blood clots, and death. But most people will be fine. Probably. So if you could just sign here...”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pet loving officers arrest citizens who don't give their dogs enough biscuits.

2020-06-15 15:00

Lost in Translation

A young foreign exchange student was arrested in her language course a couple days ago when she accidentally said, “My friends and I are game for a shooting; we just need to figure out how to signal,” instead of, “My friends and I want to make a shooter game; we just need to learn how to code.” She was labeled a threat and is now facing deportation.

  1. “She is already failing my class,” says the girl’s instructor. “Why should she stay if she can’t communicate effectively? We ought to give everyone who enters the country a test that proves they can communicate with us! If they can’t get every question correct they should be forced to leave.”
  2. The girl, now able to explain herself with the help of a police-appointed interpreter, says, “I apologize if I frightened anyone, as that was not my intention. I only wanted to share my interest in video games instead of repeating simple sentences about apples and cats. This never would have happened in the first place if your language wasn’t so confusing! Why not simplify it and cut down on the amount of words so that it’s easier for everyone to learn?”
  3. “The real issue we should be talking about is the ham-fisted way this was handled by law-enforcement,” says the officer who was called to apprehend the girl. “I knew she wasn’t a threat, but I had orders! Individual police officers should be given more autonomy to decide how we do our jobs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government loves seeing the little people fight.

2020-06-15 09:00

A Little Wrestling, a Lot of Controversy

A dwarf wrestling tour was cut short after advocacy groups complained that it was demeaning.

  1. “Just look at this!” fumes three-foot-tall disabled rights activist Tracy Popov, waving around a poster that you can’t see for the top of your desk. “This isn’t a sporting event; this is a modern-day freak show. It even says they have a ‘midget toss’! I know the wrestlers agreed to participate, but they aren’t the only ones that have to live with the dehumanizing stereotypes. Random Chaos shouldn’t tolerate entertainment that pokes fun at people for their size or disabilities.”
  2. Suddenly, a diminutive wrestler in brightly-colored spandex hurtles toward you, landing on your desk and knocking all your papers onto the floor. “Ha! What fun is life if you can’t laugh at yourself?” she says, as she rolls to her feet. “Maybe wrestling isn’t for everyone, but it’s a lot better than being unemployed or having some boring office job. We wrestlers are celebrating who we are - it’s not up to you to tell us what we can’t do. Instead, why don’t you give us some support and let us show everyone what we can do?”
  3. “You’re all thinking too small,” slobbers creepy endocrinologist Dr. Carrie Whitlam, leering down over the head of the wrestler and gesticulating erratically. “You’ve got to look at the big picture. We wouldn’t have to worry about any of this if we had a cure for dwarfism, right? Well, I’ve just made a huge breakthrough in hormone treatments that would allow all these people to grow to a normal height, instead of being freakishly small. All I need is some funding to make my project a reality. Yes, that’s all...” She cackles maniacally, though it’s not clear what she is finding so funny.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, racial and religious segregation has become rife as the various groups are loath to mingle.

2020-06-15 03:00

Clash of Cultures

Conservative commentators have remarked that many foreign immigrants in Random Chaos are failing to take part in, or even acknowledge, the country’s rich and varied culture, traditions, and social mores. This has caused some interethnic strife, and reports of violence in minority-dominated neighbourhoods have been increasing every day.

  1. “It’s disrespectful,” says Sherlock Nixon, serving traditional gambler-shaped cookies on a tray. “These people talk funny, dress funny, pray to bizarre gods, and cook their smelly food. Food I’ve never seen on any LOCAL menu. Some of them don’t even speak our language very well! If at all! If immigrants want the privilege of living in this country then they should be made to adopt our own traditions! Otherwise our culture will slowly but surely disappear! If they refuse... well, then they can go back to their own country since they love it so much.”
  2. “I have a right to lead my life the way I want,” says Anakin True, an immigrant, with the help of a translator. “I will not forsake my heritage for your people and I will not dirty my tongue with your heathen language. And if you have a problem with that then tell me this: what have I done wrong? I pay my taxes, I break no laws- and yet you think I should change? Those who don’t wish to ‘integrate’ shouldn’t have to.”
  3. “Oh, there’s no need to be like that!” says Emma Clarke, president of the Multiculturalism Society in a cheery tone. “Random Chaos should be a more accepting country, open to new experiences! Embrace difference, people, don’t reject it! These folk aren’t hurting us or our traditions, they are showing us different ways of life and making us wiser and richer beings in the process! It’s our responsibility to take the first step towards reparations and remove any ethnic bias from the names of our public holidays - how does Winter Day sound to you? I like it.”
  4. “We need to stop thinking of ‘them’ as a problem that needs to be fixed,” insists Josh Jobrani, an undergraduate in anthropology. “Integration in society is a two-way street, Leader. We can’t shun people for not following a major religion or drinking their tea with the wrong hand. That’s just silly! No, if we want immigrants to pick up our ways then we should be more willing to learn about theirs! Mandatory education courses should encourage citizens to learn more about other cultures in Random Chaos.”
  5. “That’s stupid,” says Otohime Quimby, flatly. “I’m not going to ‘bond’ with immigrants by learning about their beliefs! For multiculturalism to actually function, everyone needs to actually meet these people and deal with them on a day-to-day basis. Then maybe they’ll realise that yeah, they’re people too. The only way to do this is to put an end to segregated neighbourhoods - even if it means forcing families to move elsewhere.”
  6. “Everyone shut up, I have the perfect solution,” says Wojciech Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff, shouting into a megaphone. “How about we kick these ungrateful foreigners out of the nation and never let them come back?! We’ve all heard what those ethnics are like, I wouldn’t be surprised if they ate their own young! Immigration shouldn’t be allowed! I won’t abide it!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, public urination is on the increase.

2020-06-14 21:00

Leader, Let Your People Go!

Tragedy struck last Friday when police had to be called to a pop concert when the queue for the women’s washroom devolved first into squabbles, then a violent free-for-all, as desperate female fans fought to get to the front.

  1. “Women being forced to wait is... is... just another form of sexism,” complains Fanny Peasmore, a cross-legged concert-goer, with strained emphasis. “By forcing businesses and old stadiums to accommodate more… more… ah, people in women’s washrooms, we can finally realise a fairer, more equal experience at the wash- SPEED IT UP, GRANS, SOME OF US HAVE GOT TO GO!”
  2. “What a load of sh-” starts Billy-Bob Cesternino, a controversial heavy metal singer, before being interrupted by the concert-goer elbowing her way past him with a desperate look on her face. “Look, if they don’t like having to wait for the loo they can always bring their ‘business’ elsewhere. It’s a free market. Nobody is forcing them folks to go there. One washroom for each gender. Fair is fair if fair is fair, am I right?”
  3. “One washroom is fine, sweeties, but why all this fuss over artificial categories?” asks Mx. Hume, looking great in a fetching tuxedo and miniskirt combo. “Just take off the boy and girl signs on the doors, and be gender fluid about where you pass your fluids. Where would you be without me, darling?”
  4. “Oh wow, I really feel for these girls!” says Ganondorf, one of the five singers from boy band ‘The Unattended Gents’, whose pop concert was so tumultuous. “It’s our fault, for sure. I’ve written a song all about how sorry we are, and the gentle massage I’m gonna give those girls to make up for it. But hey, I know how we can fix this. Let’s have every visit to the little lady’s room cost 1 chip, then those queues will be a thing of the past. We can all be happy together, forever.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, stoogery and pratfalls are about as scathingly clever as Random Chaosian humor gets.

2020-06-14 15:00

As You Don’t Like It

Duke Guterres of Lower Random Chaos City-Upon-Tyne caused quite a stir this weekend after he had a traveling minstrel group chased out of town. While some fellow peers have accused him of being humorless, the Duke countered that the troupe was subverting his authority with their seditious acts.

  1. “That troupe’s impromptu performance was scandalous,” spits the irate Duke. “Caricaturing me as the villain in their little Scheherazade knock-off? The nerve of those performers! Do you think I let these thespian transients wander around my domain just to watch them humiliate our way of life? I’ve no obligation to provide charity to a bunch of disrespectful wretches. Leader, forbid these flimflam singsongs and outlaw this sort of vagrancy before some smart-alecky troupe comes knocking at your door. We’ll all be safer for it in the long-run.”
  2. “Have you no sense of perspective?” exclaims beaten and ragged minstrel Daenerys Navratilova, haphazardly waving a flute around. “Satire is essential for introspection! Don’t be such a stuffed shirt. If you really want performers off the street, let us musicians be officially patronized by the government. Just assign a musical group to each noble family, and our melodious tunes will surely lighten the load on their noble shoulders.”
  3. “Isn’t that what you employ oddfellows like me for?” grumbles grizzled jester Krusty Gambler, covered profusely in tomato stains. “Me and my mates, your musicians, clowns, acrobats, dancing poodle performers, you name it - we’re smart enough not to bite the hand that feeds us. Construct a grand theatre for all to see and adore us, and we’ll sing your praises loud enough to drown out the voices of petty satire.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, having skeletons in one's closet is no longer just a macabre idiom.

2020-06-14 09:00

Buried Bones Unearth Debate

A group of college students on a camping trip to the outskirts of Random Chaos stumbled across an ancient mass grave site. The proper treatment of the remains has become a hot button issue, as various groups have staked their claims.

  1. “These bones belonged to our ancestors! Or, at least we called dibs first!” shouts Doris Bowie, a representative of the Violetstone tribe, close enough that you can feel the spittle flying from her lips. “How would you like it if we poked and prodded the remains of your ancestors? We deserve - no, we have the right - to take these bones back to our land and ceremonially burn them as our cultural heritage dictates.”
  2. “You can’t seriously consider giving up such valuable information, can you?” gasps Jack Harkness, a Professor of Anthropology at Random Chaos City University. “The information from these remains is invaluable. This is a rare opportunity to learn about ancient Random Chaosian culture and where we came from. Let us put these bones to the test, so to speak, and place our national knowledge first. We need to send these remains to the university, along with some grant money, for research and testing.”
  3. “Burn them? Letting them rot in some dank university closet? You can’t let these travesties occur!” demands Naki O'Brien, the curator of the Maxsonian Museum Of History. “These bones are in pristine condition and deserve to be seen by the public! Imagine the revenue and tourism that would be brought in if you allowed me to display these bones, bared for all to see! Who cares if it upsets some smug know-it-alls or overly sensitive descendants? This is preservation! This is money, err, culture!”
  4. “Hey, what’s the big idea trying to pick and choose who gets what?” questions college student Waldo Urquhart, followed closely by his peers. “We found those bones, so we should get to take them for ourselves! Our right to the claim is firmly supported by the case of Finders Keepers v Losers Weepers. Plus, I really need to pass my thesis. I’m running out of time and these bones would really put me over the top!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Cheese Export Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cash-strapped junkies lick rabbits for a cheap high.

2020-06-14 03:00

Down the Rabbit Hole

After numerous cases of brief delirium were reported in the countryside, local scientists and health officials have narrowed down the potential causes to a hallucinogenic toxin produced by a microbe that normally incubates within rabbits. Apparently, the close contact rural farmers had with tainted rabbit excrement resulted in their delusions. In response, several apoplectic and assertive citizens have accosted you while on your morning stroll to deal with the issue.

  1. “This is ridiculous,” shouts avid home gardener Alice Cheshire. “I can’t even tend my own flower beds without falling into a psychedelic trance! If I hallucinate one more rabbit wearing a waistcoat and a pocket watch, I’m gonna lose it. We must eradicate this menace, even if it means killing all the rabbits in Random Chaos! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”
  2. “Whoa, whoa, whoa... Let’s not be too hasty here,” interjects microbiologist and pharmaceutical spokeswoman Anita Plaseebeau. “This rabbit colon-based microbe gives us a rare and profitable opportunity to further both our understanding of biology and medicine. Throw a little funding our way, and we can trap some live specimens, analyze the microbe up close, and get all of Random Chaos hooked on it by Sunday.”
  3. “You all keep missing the point! These aren’t just hallucinations caused by poop, they’re gifts from the Great Rabbit Goddess!” asserts escaped mental patient and neopagan Sybil Gambler-McGee wearing her ceremonial rabbit-patterned robe and bunny slippers. “Through consuming the rabbits’ sacred defecation, we are blessed with miraculous visions of the future! Heed my prophecies, and I’ll get Random Chaos on the right path in no time.” After swallowing a handful of rabbit droppings, she twitches awkwardly on the ground while sputtering ill-fated prognostications.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, recreational drug businesses are regularly pruned if they grow above the maximum legal size.

2020-06-13 21:00

Don’t Fear the Reefer

Maxx Grass Corporation and Green Way Growers, two of the largest marijuana producers in the nation, recently announced a merger that is expected to be worth billions. As the recreational drug industry continues to grow, many are wondering if this joint venture is right for Random Chaos.

  1. “Let’s just hold our horses on all this ‘merger’ talk,” murmurs Commerce Minister Megan ‘Trust Buster’ Kent as she polishes an oversized walking stick. “If these two companies merge, the resulting behemoth would monopolize at least 75% of the industry. How would any of the smaller businesses be able to compete? For the good of our many hard-working entrepreneurs who are just trying to sell enough weed to put food on the table, we must block this merger, and hash out some legislation to prevent this situation from recurring.”
  2. “These companies are making record profits off the green stuff!” notes your Finance Minister, who is wearing a Maxtopian Grass t-shirt. “It’s high time that the government got involved. Rather than blocking the merger, why don’t we just become the competition? We already have trade access to the far-flung locations that produce rare strains like Manamana Maneater and Brasilistan Bomber. We’ll also be able to guarantee the quality of our products and maintain purity levels that you just won’t find in the private industry. Imagine what we can do with the sales revenue!”
  3. “Why should we allow private companies to reap all the rewards, man?” asks your stoner brother after obnoxiously puffing some Maxtopian Grass smoke in your face. “The government should like, nationalize the drug industry! These corporations are like, totally evil and they freak me out. Marijuana distribution would be way safer in government hands. Down with Big Drugs!”
  4. “I think that stuff’s getting to your head,” replies Aziz Rifkin, the CEO of Maxx Grass Corporation, while rolling his eyes. “I’ll have you know that two percent of our profits are donated to local schools, hospitals, and crime prevention programs. If the government were to muscle in on our turf, it would make them no better than the shady drug dealers of old, and would reduce the amount of money that we could donate. If anything, the government should let us continue with the merger so that we can expand our business across Random Chaos with as little red tape as possible.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, more and more people are signing up for the government party.

2020-06-13 15:00

Ale to the Chief

A local brewery provided the Mayor of Gambler City with 120 free kegs of their famous ale: Weaver’s Blood — usually a year’s supply — as has been the tradition for many years. However, the current mayor has consumed the lot in just two months and taxpayers are now being asked to replenish the provision.

  1. “I know this makes me look like a drunk, but I assure you I’m not,” pleads Mayor Deming, as she touches her nose with her finger to prove her point. “I host a lot of diplomatic parties and my guests expect a certain level of hospitality. Just last week, I was hosting the Smalltopian ambassador and his entourage, and those Smalltopians can drink! You must replenish the mayoral supply — think of the diplomatic embarrassment of dry events.”
  2. “We have to pay for their booze now?” questions Avery Larson, a social activist, who is always scrutinising politicians’ expenses. “What if she drinks the whole lot in another two months? Will the suffering taxpayer have to continue to fund Her Worship’s excesses? If politicians can’t go five minutes without a drink, then they’re not fit for office. Ban all alcohol on government premises.”
  3. “Our Weaver’s Blood is probably the finest brew in all of Random Chaos,” interjects Eobard Sajak, the Head Taster at the brewery, as he takes a sip from your drink, then spits it back into the cup. “It’s a pity that only this mayor gets to taste our tantalising tipple, and for free too! We could supply your office Leader, and even the whole of parliament. All we ask in return is that you could meet with some of the industry bosses occasionally and give us a favourable hearing.”
  4. “I have an idea,” interjects a hobo, who’s been listening in on your conversation from the bench outside your window. “Why doesn’t the government provide free booze for everyone? That would be nice.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Authoritarian Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's no such thing as a safe bet.

2020-06-13 09:00

Who Wants to Know a Millionaire?

A climbing jackpot in the lucrative Random Chaosian national lottery has led to weeks of media frenzy, and at last, a ticket sold at a corner drugstore in Random Chaos City has been drawn. However, the winner has refused to come forward to claim their prize. A letter sent without return address purports to be from the winner, who demands to remain anonymous.

  1. “This is a matter of privacy and safety,” argues Bruno Gutnick, a spokesperson for the pro-anonymity group Citizens Railing Against Peeping. “Releasing the names of these winners puts them in considerable risk. Last month’s winner was harassed by former partners, stalked by tireless panhandlers, and nearly robbed by half a dozen chuggers! Lottery winners need to be left alone so they can go back to their normal jobs — or not, as the case may be.”
  2. “We must continue to publicize these lucky winners,” interjects your head of gaming, Hermione Nelson, while slipping on a pair of black leather gloves. “Our lotteries help fund important Random Chaosian programs like education, parks, and hacki- I mean technical literacy, so the people need to know the winners’ identities to ensure it’s not just government insiders who win. Plus,” she continues while putting on a clown mask, “we’re still a nation of laws. I’ll concede that a few weirdos will stalk the winners, but the overwhelming majority of our citizens are courteous enough to leave them alone. Now where did I leave my lockpicking set?”
  3. “Gambling is the Devil’s vice!” proclaims puritan zealot Mario Tolkien. “Lotteries are a legal avenue for the state to rob the destitute and mathematically illiterate! I’ve spent millions of chips on tickets and haven’t won a fraction of it back! You need to not just protect the winner, but all of Random Chaos — outlaw all forms of gambling immediately!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, royalist is the most offensive slur in the Random Chaosian language.

2020-06-13 04:00

The Body Politic

Ubalin, a small city in southwestern Random Chaos, was formerly a monarchical city-state before being annexed in the early history of Random Chaos. DNA testing on the remains of the last king of Ubalin, King Oswyn V, traced his lineage to a local man in a poor district of Random Chaos City.

  1. “Momma! Momma! Git the whiskey! No! The gud kind!” shouts Peter Jamieson, the newly-found heir to the House of Ood. “Well, it’s about time that my royal ‘eritarge is recugnized! I declare myself the absolute ruler of Ubalin as Yer Majesty King Rex! I will be the most high and most excellent king Ubalin has ever had! And as my first act as King, I declare Ubalin’s independence from Random Chaos; the Ubalinders will be free and independent again under my rule.” He then turns to your young secretary. “And darling, if you want to be a Queen, just hit me up.”
  2. “Liberté, égalité, fraternité!” yells Naki Powell, the current mayor of Ubalin. “We first became a part of this great country as a direct result of when that tyrant Oswyn was violently ripped apart by blackout drunk peasants! To prevent reactionaries from poisoning and breaking apart the nation with outdated traditions, we need to denounce monarchy for the sham it is whenever it pops up!”
  3. “Maybe there’s a compromise,” speculates Wally Wickwire, a prolific jouster and part-time mutton farmer. “How about instead of making him the absolute monarch of Ubalin, we install King... Rex as a constitutional monarch of Ubalin. That way Ubalin stays a part of Random Chaos and continues to be run by competent politicians, but they’ll have a bit of tradition to rally behind. And imagine having an actual king open the Ubalin medieval fayre. My mutton sales will go through the roof!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, patriots insist that size does matter.

2020-06-12 21:00

Patriotism Flagging

One afternoon, while taking a stroll through one of Random Chaos City’s more diverse neighborhoods, you notice that many houses are adorned by flags. However, they are all national flags of foreign countries, and not one house is flying the Random Chaosian flag.

  1. “Imagine the disrespect it must take to do something like this,” resents Lucina Chew, your bodyguard, while pacing up and down the sidewalk. “We are being generous enough to allow these people into our country, and they can’t even show their support by flying our flag? Despicable. You must ban the flying of any foreign national flag, and mandate that every Random Chaosian graces their house with our great flag, the larger the better! This will show that their true allegiance is to our great Free Land.”
  2. One of the residents, whose house is flying a Bigtopian flag, steps outside and joins in. “Just because I have a different flag, it doesn’t mean I don’t love Random Chaos. Bigtopia will always have a special place in my heart; it’s where I was born and raised. Rather than cracking down on foreign flags, we need to celebrate them. You should hold a flag parade showcasing the many ethnic communities that make up Random Chaos; it’s diversity at its finest!”
  3. “I’m telling you, it’s those darn immigrants,” quips Sancho Jammeh, your paranoid Minister of the Homeland, who’s twitching and itching his hands furiously. “Without those folks here, we’d be much better off. You must stop any new people from entering our great nation and kick out the ones already here. Then, we’d be pure at last.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, rundown towns are frequently sold to billionaires for their pet projects.

2020-06-12 15:00

Subpar Suburbs

A water main burst in a suburb of Random Chaos City. After months of inaction, the pool of standing water has turned the now largely abandoned commercial district into a watering hole for local wildlife. Local businesses have come to you demanding change.

  1. “If the state of our town proves one thing, it’s that the government is completely incapable of running it properly,” argues cycling enthusiast and owner of the local bike shop Gone With The Schwinn, Prudence Clark. “Government priorities shift with each election cycle making it impossible for any real growth to happen. We need to privatize the local government if this town is going to run a profit again. Companies can bid for control of everything, from garbage collection to city hall!”
  2. “You want to do what?” protests Yuri Jobrani, Mayor of the city. “A town is more than its profit margin, Leader. Sure, we’ve seen better days, but it’s because our budget has been hacked away year after year. If the government would invest in our fair town instead of throwing it to the wolves, we’d be back on track in no time.”
  3. “These plans, they have no charm, no wonder!” announces Elias Yensid, strolling into the room with an elaborate model city. “I present to you the Exploratory Paradigm City of Tomorrow! What my team and I aim to do is transform this rundown one-horse town into the forefront of science, technology, and international togetherness. Maybe we’ll even throw in a roller coaster or two. Think of it as a blueprint for the future! With me in full control of course.”
  4. “Every one of these plans conveniently forgets about the animals,” chastises the head barista from Bean Me Up Coffee. “Y’all saunter in here after mother nature has made the best of a bad situation. That watering hole is crucial to the local wildlife, and it simply isn’t fair to take that away from the bunnies and deer and the cute little birds. Let’s take whatever money we were going to waste on rebuilding this failing town and turn it into a nature reserve.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the "temporary replacement bus service" is now a permanent fixture.

2020-06-12 09:00

Stop Training and Start Coaching

A feasibility study into railway lines in the boondocks of Random Chaos has suggested that they are economically unsustainable. It is reported that some lines are running trains with less than one passenger per carriage on average. The committee behind the study has suggested that these lines be shut down, and replaced with coach services.

  1. “This is an unfortunate situation, but it isn’t in the public’s interest to maintain every single line when a coach service would do just as well,” observes Vera Martin, Chair of the Feasibility Committee, and coincidentally also director of the largest coach factory in the country. “While buses may offer somewhat slower travel, they can offer more tailored and direct routes for small towns with small populations. They’re also cheap and require far less maintenance.”
  2. “Stupid, bloody townies!” screams Chastity Smiley, a disgruntled long-term resident of an isolated mountain village. “We need good and sturdy transport to get anywhere safely and comfortably, and to maintain trade and supply links with the rest of the country. The rail might not make a direct profit, but it stimulates the wider economy. The government should pay for rail connections to every place that has someone living in it. Plus, have you ever been on a long distance bus? That many folk in a small enclosed space for that many hours... well, let’s just say travel sickness isn’t the only reason passengers feel nauseous.”
  3. “I don’t see why rural people need public transport at all,” protests Harambe Blofeld, a city dweller holding a ‘Taxation is Theft’ placard. “If they choose to live in isolation, then they should deal with the consequences. It’s not like in the city, where commuter trains are standing room only. Not only should you cut government spending on public transport to rural communities, you should reinvest it in city centre infrastructure.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former weapons designers now boast about their non-jamming semi-automatic nail guns.

2020-06-12 03:00

The Goriest Advertisement

The world was shocked by videos of a Bigtopian rebel army massacring a village... using weapons with “Made in Random Chaos” proudly branded on them.

  1. “Another happy customer!” declares Jake Quayle, the manager of a large firearm factory, beaming with pride. “Look how pleased that gentleman is at his RCXP-7631 battle rifle’s stopping power. Just as advertised, it is making mincemeat of that mother and baby! Hey, speaking of advertisement, can we use this footage please? I think videos like these are fantastic at showcasing the quality of our awesome products.”
  2. “Hm... perhaps too good an advertisement,” says the factory’s assistant manager, while watching a video of a tank rolling over a man’s head. “While the rebels’ choice of a Model 5 Gambler tank was an excellent one, maybe we should have our name... well, you know, not written onto the vehicle’s hull that boldly. We should have a regulation to scrape off our weapons’ origins when selling them abroad. That way, only gun nuts will know about our role in these... um... occurrences.”
  3. “Oh come on, you idiot!” screams infuriated weapons designer Koch Winchester at the screen. “Do you want to get blood jamming your pristine shotgun? Because beating an old woman to death with one is how you get that! Guns are for shooting, not... ugh. Hey, Leader, it’s clear that these foreigners don’t know how to use our goods properly. You should ban all sales abroad and only sell our weapons to the fine people of Random Chaos. Be sure to loosen up those gun laws first!”
  4. “That’s ridiculous!” cries the Bigtopian ambassador. “If anything, these atrocities are proof that our great country needs more aid in crushing these rebel scum. You should mandate that only legitimate governments can purchase your arms. We certainly don’t get involved in such gratuitous violence in more than 30% of the towns we liberate. That way, you will instead see your nation’s name being used for good, not this disgusting stuff. Mostly.”
  5. “Wait just a minute!” shouts Natalia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff, your Minister of Non-Violent Solutions, who appears to have just smashed her way out of a storage room after being locked inside by your Defense Minister. “Why do we even have a weapons industry? Look at the destruction it’s causing. This world would be a better place without our weapons and the accompanying bloodshed. I say that we must shut down every munitions factory in the nation - regardless of the cost!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there is something rotten in the state of Random Chaos.

2020-06-11 21:00

Bowl Motions

A survey of the plumbing industry has noted that in recent times toilet basin sizes and flush volumes have been on the increase.

  1. “Giant toilets are a giant problem,” declares environmentalist Boris Shatter. “The nation generates a considerable carbon footprint and a great deal of chemical waste to create tap-quality water for your households, then you dump a quarter to a half of it back into the sewers through flushing. We need regulations to set a maximum basin and flush volume, to prevent us being so wasteful with water.”
  2. “Aw come on, I need a powerful flush!” complains generously proportioned food-lover Harriet Creosote. “Look, when you’ve got a Brancaland Steamer coming down the way, you don’t want it sailing in a shallow river. I pay my water bill; I bought my throne! My business is not the government’s business!”
  3. “Up the creek without a paddle? I’ve got a compromise solution,” smiles bright-looking junior minister Luigi Güldenschauer. “You could tax drinking-quality water on the monthly bills, but let people use untreated greywater at a discount. This will give people incentive to use drinking water only for drinking.”
  4. “Big job? Big science has the answer!” enthuses experimental biologist Sarah Middenmarch. “Why not flush a little money in the direction of developing my newest innovation? I call it The Eater. This bio-toilet uses engineered friendly bacteria to efficiently digest human waste, and produces a tank full of methane bio-fuel as a side product. Good for the environment, good for cutting household bills, basically just really good sh...” The noisy flatulence of your junior minister cuts her words short.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, babies living in poverty are told to take responsibility for their own fortunes.

2020-06-11 15:00

A Cup Runneth Over

Certain officials at the Social Welfare Department have posited that mothers from low-income families are deliberately having more children in order to get a larger welfare stipend.

  1. “These women and their larvae are draining our resources!” growls a Social Welfare bureaucrat. “They have more children than they can care for and they expect the government to pay them for it! Hogwash! I’ll tell you what, let these momma pigs collect their welfare money, but only after sterilization! The men too! That way, we won’t have any more mouths on the government’s teat!”
  2. “I can’t believe someone would accuse me of such; only heartless bigots believe these falsehoods!” cries Queenie Pond, balancing an infant on her very round stomach while attempting to control her seven other children with her free hand. “I have children because I love them! How can the government leave kids to suffer? I certainly can’t work and raise all these children alone. I say we offer families an exponentially larger welfare check for each little meal ticket — I mean, precious munchkin!”
  3. “You know, the real problem isn’t these women,” grunts Leroy Wessex, pulling himself up by his crocodile hide bootstraps. “The real problem is that the government is wasting taxpayer money by ‘helping’ them at all. If poor mothers fall into financial trouble, whether due to unplanned pregnancy or simple stupidity, it really is their own fault. Let’s just get rid of welfare and let people learn to take care of themselves for once.”
  4. “Actually, the real problem is all these filthy poor people!” scoffs Roxanne Dlamini, sporting a designer camouflage coat by Burpbarry. “Let’s just be rid of them altogether. How about issuing peasant hunting licenses to some of our more patrician citizens? It’ll be the greatest sporting event since gambler fighting!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is popularly believed that "cheese every day keeps disaster away".

2020-06-11 09:30

For Want of a Nail

A recent investigation into a near miss between two commercial airplanes revealed that it was due to an error on the part of an air traffic controller, who in turn was being distracted by his colleague chattering about how hungry he was, which in turn was caused by his colleague’s missing packed lunch, which in turn was caused by his colleague’s wife’s temporary incapacity, in turn caused by a finger infection, in turn caused by a broken nail. Thus, the media are dubbing this “The Broken Nail Incident.”

  1. “Symptom: fragile keratin. Diagnosis: calcium deficiency,” confidently declares medically-untrained dairy industry marketing rep Ásmunda Chen. “You need to subsidise the dairies so we can increase supply of our products to the populace in order to treat this. Got milk? Yes, I have! You got money?”
  2. “Wait? His WIFE made lunch for him?” complains avowed feminist Manuel Jackson as he grumbles through mouthfuls of broccoli and dried figs. “This is a sign of the sickness of patriarchy in our society! The men of this nation must be made to make their own damn lunches!”
  3. “His wife should have ignored the pain, and made the sandwich,” admonishes Conan Popov, as his own wife timidly picks mud from his boots with her fingernails. “A wife should have to attend to her duties unless a doctor - a male doctor, mind - certifies her medically unfit to work.”
  4. “Call me Captain Obvious,” says airline pilot Captain Tom Obvious, “but doesn’t a near-miss air collision suggest we need to be spending more on air safety? We need more air traffic controllers working shorter shifts, and fewer night-time and bad weather flights. What? Someone has to be sensible here.” His co-pilot, Jane Sensible, nods in agreement.
  5. “This is Emergence at work,” reverently whispers wild-eyed lepidopterometeorologist Professor Frank Benjamin. “For too long has national policy been set by simplistic cause and effect models, when the complexity of chaos and the beautiful madness of multiple interacting systems rule our lives! Fund my research into Chaos Socioeconomics, and together we’ll learn to properly randomise government policy!”
  6. “The only thing emerging here is the Hand of the Divine,” counters dishevelled hermit monk Shinzo Wickremesinghe. “The world is indeed too complex for mere science to explain or predict. Dispense with air traffic control and fancy in-flight technology, and instead require all pilots and passengers to pray before takeoff and landing. Have faith in a higher power!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, religious organizations are being forced to leave the country or pay income taxes like everybody else.

2020-06-11 03:00

Sacramental Tax Time?

Secularists have been urging the government to impose corporation tax on religious organizations in Random Chaos for some time now, and the issue has finally made its way to the upper levels of the government.

  1. Self-appointed civil rights spokesperson Nomfundo Murphy declares, “Churches are business organizations with a large income. It’s unfair that they don’t have to pay the same taxes that everyone else does. If they really do spend any money on charity, let them write it off as a deduction just like corporations do. There’s no reason that so-called clergy should be chauffeured around in limos tax-free, when we desperately need funds for public works.”
  2. “Freedom of conscience is foremost among liberties,” says Reverend Wesley Tavener. “Churches have been exempted from taxation because it is wrong for the government to infringe on the right of people to worship as they please, and that includes charging them for the right to worship. Besides, churches are non-profit organizations that put all their funds back into the community.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is using tax revenues to provide jobs for the poor.

2020-06-10 21:00

Welfare Programs Not Faring Well

A recent lull in legislation has sparked the fires of some bored politicians. After reviewing the back-log of constituent complaints, they’ve come to your desk demanding welfare reform.

  1. “The process ought to be made easier,” says Inga Matthews, picking the grime out of her dirty fingernails. “It’s so difficult convincing welfare administrators that I am actually a poor, helpless vagrant on the brink of homelessness! When you finally do, you get tangled up in all the red tape, and you’re lucky to see a dime. The government should just trust my word and fork over the chips I need to survive.”
  2. “The current system is not very efficient, I’ll admit,” says Harley O'Leary, a local welfare administrator and esteemed bureaucrat. “But we can’t trust these bums to manage their welfare aid. How are we supposed to help them help themselves if they waste their benefits on things like trashy clothes and cheap alcohol? We need more authority over how the aid is spent, it’s the only way we can be assured that it is used responsibly.”
  3. “Get the free-loaders off the government teat!” shouts conservative activist, Ludwig Vader. “The free-market system says that those who work hard will succeed. If these so-called ‘needy people’ would roll their sleeves up, lift a finger, and earn an honest living, we wouldn’t be bankrupting our country helping them! The only sensible solution is to abolish all welfare programs, and let the natural, capitalist process take place.”
  4. “He has a point,” says popular political pundit Sandra Cole. “There are a lot of people in the system, and some of them don’t really need to be there. The government should be finding these people jobs, so that our welfare system can survive and meet the needs of the truly impoverished. Of course, we’re going to have to spend a few chips to achieve this goal. But, what’s a little tax hike if it means saving our dying welfare programs and the people who depend on them?”
  5. “Capitalism is the very reason why we need welfare in the first place. Laissez-faire policies would only make the problem worse,” argues political activist Ami Kasher. “If the government took control of all businesses, it could ensure that all employees are paid the amount they need to live - no more, no less - then the problem of providing for the poor would disappear.”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Moralistic Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, elections are won by the candidate who makes the best 'yo mama' jokes.

2020-06-10 15:00

Attack of the Attack Ads

As an increasingly tense election season looms, candidates have already begun smearing their opponents with vulgar and offensive campaign advertisements. Politicians and pundits of all corners of the political spectrum have asked you to bring some civility back to politics.

  1. “Whatever happened to the good old days?” cries MP Zack Song, who saw an ebb of support along with a slew of negative ads targeting his large nose. “Politicians used to be elected based on merit, but now the election process has turned into such a sham! One single ad-hominem attack is all it takes to tarnish an honorable politician’s career. Not to be nosy, but the government should step in and prevent the media from advertising attack ads and political campaigns from producing them. I can hear the complaints now: ‘blah blah free speech, blah blah censorship’, but if that’s the price to pay to restore honour to politics, then so be it.”
  2. “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen,” vents political strategist Chuck Bowman, who was the mastermind behind your most recent election victory. “Perhaps the reason the MP lost support was not because of negative campaigning, but rather poor policies and performance. Attack adverts are as old as politics itself and are no more rampant or influential today than than they’ve ever been - leave them be. I’ve even taken the liberty of producing a smear campaign for you to use regarding your main opponent being an East Lebatuckese spy who is also part of an illegal organ harvesting cult.”
  3. “Have you ever thought that maybe there’s a good reason Random Chaos is gripped by the magic of attack ads?” questions sleazy television executive Isabelle Harkness. “We love filth! We love drama! These issues like ‘climate change,’ ‘corruption,’ ‘deteriorating relations with Maxtopia,’ they’re real downers and will they ever REALLY be solved? Surely Random Chaosians agree - politics is a spectacle and a blood sport, and one that needs to be drenched in more garbage, not less. We shall make the politics of Random Chaos the greatest reality show in The Hatrackia! Heck, we can even use that Question Period footage that featured the Opposition Leader getting egged and that random MP smashing a chair on the Interior Minister for our opening title!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is not politically correct to suspect that a serially convicted burglar might steal again.

2020-06-10 09:00

The Ethnic Minority Report

The National Office of Predictive Crime Patterns (Pre-Crime, for short) has been running analyses of murder, theft and other serious crimes in Random Chaos, and has compiled a report noting that certain demographic groups - most notably young Bigtopian men - are up to twenty times more likely to commit crimes than the national average. As your security staff caught a Bigtopian intern trying to set fire to the report in your wastepaper basket, it may perhaps be time for action.

  1. “This is about efficient policing and prevention over punishment,” suggests slick-suited Pre-Crime Operations Chief Neil Dlamini, glancing at you suspiciously as he looks up from a print-out of your family tree. “Let’s focus existing surveillance resources on high-risk communities, maybe perform the odd stop-and-search, and carry out the occasional preventative intervention. I can guarantee you lower crime rates with no increase in police spending. That’s a good deal, and my analysts say you are 93.54% likely to take us up on it.”
  2. “That is the voice of unfounded institutional racism,” says Bigtopian ex-gang member turned youth outreach worker Tabitha Leach, waving a ball point pen at you in what seems to be an overly threatening manner. “Human beings are equal, and all should be treated equally by the law, with no individual or group singled out by the state. Why should we face police oppression just because of your prejudices?”
  3. “In my opinion, Random Chaos is under siege from ne’er-do-wells, and in a siege situation extreme measures are needed,” offers respected headmistress Athena McGonegirl. “These Slyth... er... I mean Bigtopians have proven themselves to be untrustworthy. We should make sure that they keep to their areas of Random Chaosian towns and cities, and only allow them back into civilised society after appropriate screening.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government says that Possession is nine-tenths of the Lore.

2020-06-10 03:30

Demonic Possession Getting You Down?

Reports that more and more Random Chaosians are seeking exorcisms for being possessed by evil spirits are fuelling rumours of an impending apocalypse.

  1. “What absolute hokum!” asserts famous sceptic Prudence Han, shaking her head in disbelief. “All these people who claim to be possessed are attention-seeking drama-queens. Demonic possession is not real. We need a public information campaign which states that demons are imaginary, the apocalypse isn’t coming and everyone should just calm down.”
  2. “DEMON! I’m going to need some help here,” screams exorcist George W. Nxumalo, as he begins sprinkling her with holy water. As his baffled assistants take over pinning her down, he turns to you. “My congregation alone has thousands of citizens and they all claim to be possessed. I can’t administer exorcisms to all these people all by myself. The government needs to set-up a massive recruitment drive for all the remaining non-possessed citizens to become exorcists and fast-track their exorcism training.”
  3. “The hour of damnation is at hand!” shouts Monk de Wally de Honk, a doomsday ‘prophet’ who frequently changes his forecast of the date of the apocalypse. “I have studied the words of holy books and the stars, and Random Chaos doesn’t have much time! I implore you to move those remaining souls who aren’t possessed to safe, remote, and unaffected areas of the nation. The purity and isolation of the land shall keep us safe!”
  4. Finally, a man dressed in a dark suit and holding a pile of contracts seems to appear out of nowhere. “I am from the law firm Horace, Edward, Logan and Lee. My client has instructed me to inform you that there is only one way to save the Random Chaosian people from this calamity. Tell all of them to sign these contracts, then my client shall transport them all to a place far away from the imminent catastrophe. There’s nothing to be suspicious about, my client is a reasonable fellow.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, sleazy politicians exploit the Parliamentary Code of Conduct to purge their rivals.

2020-06-09 21:00

Parliamentary Playground

After a WhoTube video featuring MPs in an outright brawl went viral, foreign commentators now regularly mock the hijinks in the Random Chaosian Parliament. In order to save face, several MPs have tried to rein in the legislature’s embarrassing behavior.

  1. “We need a Parliamentary Code of Conduct to make sure this appalling behavior doesn’t happen again,” states Opposition Leader Minerva Long. “Your entire cabinet mooned me while I was speaking yesterday for Violet’s sake! You wouldn’t get away with that kind of behavior in any other workplace, so why is Parliament exempt? We need to show the citizenry that this is a place of serious and mature discussion, not a schoolyard playground.”
  2. “That’s a good start, but it doesn’t go far enough!” exclaims avid RC-SPAN watcher and schoolteacher Tobias Shakespeare. “I always sit down and watch Question Period with the kids to teach them how democracy in Random Chaos works. They were subjected to the brawl, the mooning, and all those fights involving the chicken costume. Any politician who acts in such a disgraceful way should be barred from running for political office ever again. If we don’t take tougher stances against this disgraceful behavior, our kids will start thinking that this is an acceptable way for them to act.”
  3. “We have a right to express our political dissatisfaction, no matter how... unorthodox our methods are,” says Bharatendu Bautista, one of your more outspoken cabinet ministers while making an obscene gesture towards the other speakers. “Sure, sometimes things can get a little heated, but that’s the nature of politics. If the loyal opposition can’t handle a few choice words or an entire hour of jeering, then they shouldn’t have run for office. Besides, what about freedom of speech? Aren’t we still big on that?”
  4. “Hold up! Outta my way!” shouts pro-wrestler Stone Fist as he barges his way into your office and places one of your aides in a chokehold. “What if instead of debates, politicians settled their scores with trial by combat? Build a thunderdome in Parliament. Two MPs enter; one MP leaves! Imagine the ratings and publicity! People could even bet chips on the results. At the very least, the public will be a lot more invested in the outcome of parliamentary debates.” Your aide passes out as Stone Fist releases his grip.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the average commuter spends four hours a day driving to and from work.

2020-06-09 15:00

Need for Speed?

After watching the movie ‘The Fast and the Belligerent’, boy racers from all over Random Chaos have been petitioning for the abolition of speed limits.

  1. “Today’s cars are safer at high speeds than ever before,” argues Lars Martin, editor of Sports Car Monthly. “And long-distance commuters are tired of spending hours on the road just to get to the next city. Abolishing the speed limit would be great for the economy too! People would be more likely to go out and buy cars if they thought they’d be able to use them properly. It seems like such a shame to be puttering along at the speed limit in a magnificent car like the 450HP twin-turbo Gambler SX/T-7700 you know.”
  2. “Are you crazy?” cries Rosalina Smiley, a road-accident victim. “We need lower speed limits on automobiles, not higher. You might as well enforce mandatory blindfolds on the road too, it’ll come to the same conclusion! People’s lives are at stake here! If people were made to drive at, say, no faster than fifty kilometres per hour, I would feel a lot happier walking the streets. Besides, if it takes a long time to get places via car then people might begin using mass transit for once.”
  3. “I think the current speed limits are fine, but we need better enforcement,” says Agnieszka Blofeld, the most feared traffic warden in Random Chaos. “If we required GPS tracking devices in all vehicles, we’d ticket every single speeder, no problem. In addition, we could monitor the movements of criminals and other suspicious individuals, and vastly reduce the risk of crime, terrorism, and other subversive activity. Some say that’s an invasion of privacy, but if you’ve done nothing wrong what’s there to fear?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, taking hostages is a great way to influence government policy.

2020-06-09 09:00

A Role to Play

Perpetual loner and social outcast Anakin Khachaturian made the news after holding five of his schoolmates hostage in a classroom for four hours, forcing them at sword-point (with an excellent replica Toledo Salamanca rapier) to play the popular role-playing game Trials and Trolls. Though everyone was released unharmed and the boy is now under arrest, many are asking if the game is a bad influence...

  1. “A few months ago, my little boy started playing this so-called game, and just the other day I caught him trying to fight our dog with a toy sword,” sobs distraught parent François Riker. “These books can only teach children to solve problems with violence. Kids everywhere are forgetting that they’re not paladins, or wizards, or whatever! It’s dangerous, and you have to ban these corrupting codices, for the good of Random Chaos!”
  2. “People need to mind their own business,” states self-proclaimed nerd and ‘TnT-otaku’ Layla Zahm, proudly wearing a ‘Jesus Saves And Takes Half Damage’ t-shirt. “This is a positive activity, which can teach you social skills, maths, story-telling, and stuff! Sure, sometimes a player who has too much soda will fling half a dozen four-sided dice at someone’s head, because you know, magic missiles, ha-ha, but no real harm done by that. If this psycho held his fellow students hostage, it was because he was mentally ill, not because he gamed. Maybe deal with the mental health funding gap, and leave our hobby alone?”
  3. “Actually, I think that being taken hostage was our own fault,” suggests Roger Stockholm, one of the crime’s victims. “I mean, he had asked us to game with him for months, but we thought we were too cool to play with dice and toy soldiers, and we even made fun of him. Now I’ve been obliged to try out Trials and Trolls, I realise how amazing it is! You should add the game to the national curriculum. It’ll make us better people.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, incompetent former soldiers have been re-employed as incompetent cleaners and kitchen staff.

2020-06-09 03:00

Armed and Unready

A small countryside skirmish against a score of bandit militiamen ended in a complete catastrophe, despite the deployment of two dozen Random Chaosian battle tanks and one hundred and fifty infantrymen. The Random Chaosian conscripts proved to be no match for their well-trained and motivated enemies. Unsurprisingly, the perceived quality of the nation’s soldiers has come under heavy fire.

  1. “Hang on, which end is it that we point at the bad guys?” asks clueless Private Vercingetorix, haplessly staring down the barrel of an assault rifle in genuine confusion. “I give up! Look here, Leader, I’m just not cut out to be a soldier, neither is anyone else in my unit. You have millions of men who couldn’t hit the side of a barn with a battle tank main gun, even if the tank was parked in the barn! Couldn’t you let us prove our pride in our glorious nation by doing some good instead, like tending to the elderly, cleaning up the streets or peeling potatoes?”
  2. “Our military isn’t what it was in the good old days,” comments retired Drill Sergeant Cox. “You should revisit basic drill and training. Concentrate on the fundamentals, like disciplined formation marching to the beat of a drum, standing up straight, keeping your uniform shiny, and having abuse shouted in your left ear.”
  3. “I think your approach is already correct,” wheedles Sancho Kidman, your sycophantic aide-de-camp. “In fact, the only issue we have is that we don’t conscript enough soldiers! With greater numbers, victory would be assured. For starters, I’m sure the elderly and the disabled would be proud to serve our great nation.”
  4. “Or you could go back to having a volunteer army,” mutters Julius Ripley, hand-cuffed deserter and sole survivor of the recent massacre. “Look, I didn’t want to be a soldier anyway. I wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of... of... Anyway, ditch the draft.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, jails have become colloquially known as 'vampire houses'.

2020-06-08 21:00

Blood Banks Running Dry

A violent and rather messy stampede of gamblers during a parade in your honour has brought widespread media attention to the shortage of blood, plasma and platelet donors in Random Chaos.

  1. “Blood donation should be compulsory!” argues Bella Rose, a spokesperson for the Random Chaos Blood Donors’ Association. “We can’t expect citizens to come flocking to donate blood just out of the goodness of their hearts, so the government should take the matter into its own hands. If we could maybe require healthy citizens to... let’s say... donate blood every three months, we wouldn’t have such a problem with shortages. It’ll require more funding to organise and carry out, yes, but your people are worth it, aren’t they?”
  2. “Don’t listen to that pawn of Satan!” preaches Francisco Abbott, one of a few Jehovah’s Witnesses willing to offer you any political opinion other than deliberate neutrality. “It isn’t up to us to decide what should be done: it’s clear in Scripture that blood transfusion is forbidden! I’d rather die clean and have a chance at eternal life, thank you very much! We must heed the Bible, and ban blood donations now! Of course some people will die, but they will be gifted with salvation for obeying His word.”
  3. “You’re kidding, right?” burbles anaemic patient Leia Fowler from a hospital bed. “I’m not going to let some closed-minded priest tell me what I can and can’t do with my blood! But I don’t think people should be forced to give blood; they just need incentive, that’s all. Like money. Trust me, any kind of ‘Chips For Blood’ scheme will have them almost begging to donate. It’s the only humane way to ensure that people like me are getting the care we need. If you’re worried about funding just get it from those religious nuts... they’re not helping anyone with it.”
  4. “I have an even better idea,” says Rory McClaine, a prison officer. “How about we force every healthy prisoner to donate blood? It’s about time they gave back to society what they’ve taken away in the first place. If we do this we won’t have to beg the law-abiding citizens of Random Chaos to take time out of their day to give blood. It’s not like these thugs are really doing anything for us, so missing a pint or three won’t matter, am I right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there's never a spare chair in the retirement home.

2020-06-08 15:00

The Death Debate Isn’t Dead Yet

After an investigative journalist broke a story about a widow who had kept her deceased husband’s body in her house for over a year, a debate has arisen on how soon a body should be buried after death.

  1. “This is a public health nightmare,” exclaims Wally Berenstein, your Health Minister, while covering his face with a perfumed handkerchief. “A body that isn’t cremated or buried poses serious health risks for the entire neighbourhood. We must require all bodies to be disposed of within a week. We can’t just keep grandpa in his favorite chair forever, can we?”
  2. “Not so fast!” shouts rights advocate Bongani Gutenberg. “People have a right to mourn the loss of a loved one however they like, and it is none of the government’s business to regulate the grieving process. That lady was only keeping her beloved husband’s body in her living room while friends and family paid their respects — hey, he was a popular guy! The right to send off a loved one as per your beliefs should be held sacrosanct.”
  3. “There has to be a solution here and I’m sure we can work it out,” declares George Starr, the owner of the largest beetle farm in Random Chaos, as he places a beetlearium on your desk. “If the government could subsidize my enterprise, then the bereaved can have my beetles strip the flesh off of their loved ones, allowing them to keep the bones for as long as they like. No more health risks, no more nasty smells, no more government interference during this most personal of times.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, powerful x-ray machines used by the Customs Department can see into the homes of nearby residents.

2020-06-08 09:00

A Cure for the Black Market

A recent flu epidemic that side-lined half your government was made worse when it was discovered the medication taken for it was fake.

  1. “This is a huge problem,” sighs Wil Butler, your Chief Customs Officer, as he wipes his brow for the umpteenth time. “Nearly all of the counterfeit medicine in The Hatrackia is produced in Dàguó. Their criminal gangs are producing copious amounts of every type of medication available. Sure, we do intercept some of it, but we’re only seizing the tip of the iceberg. The customs department needs more officers and modern, state-of-the-art equipment if we’re to stop this illegal trade.”
  2. “The problem IS the customs department!” exclaims Bruno Hernandez, an ex-trafficker turned informant, speaking with a masked voice and with his face obscured from vision. “These Dàguó gangs aren’t just filling the occasional container with fake drugs; they’re filling entire container ships! That’s millions of chips in one shipload. How do you think an entire ship gets cleared at customs? A complete overhaul of customs staff is what you need.”
  3. “The black market only exists because of the demand for ‘unofficial’ drugs,” states Hermione Parker, who sells bottles of medication with handwritten labels from her market stall. “My customers are all poor, working-class people - they simply can’t afford Big Pharma’s price tag. You government fellas should be encouraging a more open market, and stop going after honest traders like myself. Now, I heard you might be interested in a few x-ray machines. I’ve got a mate, who’s got a mate, who’s got a mate who can help you out there. The instruction book is all in some foreign lingo, but I’m sure you can figure it out.”
  4. “You know, with the placebo effect, even fake medications can be quite efficacious,” observes Mario Vonnegut, your scientific advisor. “Most treatments, real or fake, mostly work because patients believe in them. You could save a lot of money through a press release which states that a Random Chaosian scientist has invented a miraculous, one-pill-cures-all wonder drug. It’ll be cheap to produce as the main ingredients are only sugar and water. It will also stop the illegal trade of counterfeit medication, as demand will cease. What could possibly go wrong?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, student athletes gaze forlornly at abandoned gamblerball fields.

2020-06-08 03:00

Brain Pain on the Sports Plain

Gamblerball - a sport that is extremely popular in Random Chaos but not so much anywhere else - is causing a slew of concussions in Random Chaosian schools. Brain trauma from the head-on collisions is causing cognitive problems and - on occasion - deaths.

  1. “You have to stop this madness!” yells Kendall Taffs, the mother of an eighthback for Random Chaos City High School. “My son has received so many concussions that his grades are dropping. To hell with tradition, our children’s fragile brains are more important!”
  2. “Come on, Leader. You’re not actually thinking about this, are you?” says Doris Cartman, PR rep from the Random Chaos City Wyverns, a professional gamblerball team. “I know it’s tough, but without gamblerball in the schools, who will be the great pro athletes of the future? Need I mention that gamblerball is a storied part of Random Chaosian culture dating back generations? You wouldn’t want to mess that up, would you?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian watches list strained wrists as a common side effect.

2020-06-07 21:00

A Timely Intervention

You and your cabinet are on a tour of the nearby Random Chaos Watch Factory, which has long been famous throughout all of The Hatrackia. The poor state of the factory — and its rapidly declining sales figures, carelessly left on the manager’s desk — are clear for all to see. Shuffling by your side, the manager sighs: “Leader, we’ve had some tough years here. But we don’t know what to do to bring the good days back.”

  1. “The issue here is competition from emerging technology,” proffers your Minister of Science and Technology Dr. Jonathan Osterman, shaking his head at the sight of a dusty lathe. “These watches are outdated compared to the latest Skandilundian quartz watches. We need a nuclear option to adjust the balance. Atomic clocks are well known for their accuracy, so what if we started producing atomic watches? The watches may be slightly bulkier than we’re used to and our watchmakers will need some training in the correct handling of caesium, but with a little government funding and innovation in compact atomic design, our watch market will explode... erm, figure of speech.”
  2. “The solution is moving back in time, not forwards,” muses your Minister of Culture Vanna Tesla. “Mechanical watches from Smalltopia are still very popular. They have 27 rubies throughout the movement. Rubies! They put jewels in their watches! Go back to the timekeeping of yesteryear, and cater to the luxury watch market. My Ministry will organize an annual The Hatrackia Luxury Watch Expo to promote the watches on the international stage! Sure, mechanical watches aren’t as accurate, and they will be more expensive, but to own a timeless piece of reproduction horological history? Truly priceless.”
  3. “Atoms? Jewels? Those watches would never survive a hard day’s work,” bemoans your Minister of Labor Cassandra Chekov. “If a watch can’t survive being hit by a hammer or cut by a sickle, then it is useless in the workplace. Focus on the mass production of cheap and indestructible watches, to equip the international proletariat with the tools they need to keep running on the same beat. It will take generous government subsidies to allow the factory to cater to a larger market, but all the workers of The Hatrackia will thank you.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, governments opposing Random Chaos are beset by rebels.

2020-06-07 15:30

Out of the Royal Frying Pan

The international community rejoiced this year as the people of Marche Noire overthrew the country’s oppressive monarchy... only to elect an aggressively anti-Random Chaosian leader.

  1. “We have to do something drastic,” schemes General Bodhi Cage whilst lining up a row of dominoes. “Marche Noire is angry that we trained the old regime’s secret police, and now they’re letting the peasants divvy up the plantations. That threatens our business interests, and it could even inspire revolutions in some of our allies. I say we covertly support Marche Noirian rebels to reinstate King Zog. The alternative is an ever-growing bloc of socialist powers, which will doom us in the long run.” The general topples the first domino, beginning a chain reaction.
  2. “Now, let’s not get carried away,” counsels Foreign Minister Cho Hester with her pet kitten in lap. “There’s more than one way to skin a cat, you know. For instance, we could simply put an embargo or ten on Marche Noire until it elects a cooperative prime minister. Half the country drives Marche Noirian cars; a trade sanction would cripple them. That way we can show our opposition to communist jingoism without sacrificing Random Chaosian lives.”
  3. “No way, man!” rebuts Lucas Patel, world-renowned professional skateboarder and incorrigible optimist. “Military intervention and trade sanctions are just going to make Marche Noire, like, more mad at us! Those kids in Marche Noire love me. If you send me and some of my fellow skaters over there, I’m sure we can work this whole thing out with, like, diplomacy and stuff.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's Medal of Honour can be found as a free toy in breakfast cereal.

2020-06-07 11:30

Prosecute Stolen Valour, Says Military

General officers in the Random Chaosian Armed Forces are requesting the criminalisation of “stolen valour” - the impersonation of decorated service members, often with the motive of financial gain.

  1. “These traitorous cowards need to be prosecuted!” says red-faced Vice Admiral Earl Lazenby while puffing out his chest, proudly showing off his own service medals. “They demean the heroic actions of veterans who did actually earn the medals, and desecrate the memory of those who died in service of Random Chaos. I know what my boys would do to these charlatans if they caught them, and I can’t promise I’d intervene! I’d like to see these pretenders try to earn the medals they want to show off. Actually, let’s do that - send all these fraudsters to the front line. That’ll teach them.”
  2. “It is the right of all citizens to express themselves in any way they chose,” claims free speech advocate Ryan Santiago while wearing a t-shirt that calls you a rather crude obscenity. “People should be free to dress in any uniform without fear of reprisal or punishment - and that includes wearing a uniform of the RCAF. What better way to display to the world one’s patriotism! And if you happen to get more respect or some discounts because of it, all the better. If that argument doesn’t persuade you, then maybe you should ask the Vice Admiral how he won those medals. You can bet your bottom chip that if you criminalise this, concerned citizens will start asking serving officers that question. Do you want the military to have another public relations disaster?”
  3. “Why do we celebrate and glorify warmongering by raising these conquistadors above everyone else?” questions Al Archer, an anti-war protester outside the gates of your office building. “These medals and uniforms only exist to exert dominance and fear over the masses. The military claim these medals are rewards, but they are actually trophies declaring to the world how many innocent civilians their brainwashed killers massacred. We should do away with our armed forces, abolish the draft and imprison those who volunteered to supposedly kill in the name of Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, veterans' meet-ups involve a lot of tail sniffing.

2020-06-07 03:00

Give a Gambler a Bone

As you stoop to pin a Violet Heart on the chest of a wheelchair-bound war veteran, he tugs the leash of his ex-army attack gambler, and demands your attention.

  1. “It’s about time we recognised the sacrifice animals have made for Random Chaos,” he grumbles. “Why, Lassie here took out six insurgents by herself, disarmed a nuclear device, and entertained the troops with cartwheels and backflips. She deserves a medal and medical care as much as any of us!”
  2. “How interesting...” muses recruiting sergeant Angus Waialiki while examining the set of gnashers on Lassie. “If one gambler can do all that, imagine what an army full of them could achieve? And no more injured soldiers to bother the press — as the saying goes, don’t look a gift gambler in the mouth. Rather than waste money on old war-dogs that are too aged to fight, we should be funding more front line fighters. That can go for the humans too.” He sneers disdainfully at the veteran in the wheelchair.
  3. “Haven’t you seen Dawn of the Rise of the Planet of the Gamblers?” cautions a sceptical aide, prodding the hindquarters of Lassie. “I don’t think we want an army full of gamblers, but there’s certainly food for thought here. Let them serve alongside soldiers, and when they’ve done their duty, they can serve us on one final occasion: dinner time!”
  4. “Gamblers do enough for us already; they shouldn’t be in our military,” pleads Timmy Cumberbatch from the accompanying media pack. “Can’t we leave them in peace to do as nature intended? Rescuing children from abandoned mineshafts, throwing ropes to children on runaway rafts rapidly approaching waterfalls, and fronting up popular TV franchises. That sort of thing.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, unwary hikers climbing the bluffs of Mount Random Chaos City make great practice for foreign snipers.

2020-06-06 21:00

A Walk in the Park

The Gambler Forest is the largest national park in Random Chaos, but it is rarely visited by Random Chaosians or tourists. Various lobbyists have taken to hassling you about the continued use and purpose of this land.

  1. “Don’t let this poll deceive you; people these days actually yearn for the outdoors,” opines out-of-touch park ranger Vanna Wolowitz. “We just need to totally revamp this park and all the rest of our national forests, campsites, and visitor centers while we’re at it. We’ll start by adding the necessities like luxury cabins, souvenirs, and trees you can drive through! By the time we’re done, people who visit our parks will be able to tell the difference between a Brancalandian noir cedar and a Random Chaosian black cedar!”
  2. “What? And waste all that valuable raw material?” barks your Minister of Land Development, Cassandra Dvořák. “I’m sure that there are plenty of nations out there that would kill to use our wood to build something. And once the wood is gone, we dig for gold! I just know it’s there somewhere beneath all that tree-covered wasteland. Never mind all that environmental hoopla about polluted water tables; I’m sure you could start giving out filters to the public and they’ll all be fine.”
  3. “I have an... alternative solution,” whispers your Minister of Alternative Solutions, Ayn Contra. “We could use the park to stage international training operations for our allies. I’m sure Marche Blanche would love our aid in developing ‘defensive strategies’ against Marche Noire, and I hear they are willing to pay big chips for the help. We can even keep the park open to the public to show that nothing shady or nefarious is going on. That’s a win-win-win in my book!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, corruption is a game of two halves.

2020-06-06 15:00

A Funny Old Game

Although your nation put in a strong proposal to host the next International Football Federation (IFF) Global Cup, your bid was rejected. Instead, the oil-rich nation of Althaniq won, despite a near total lack of football infrastructure. Many are blaming this decision on bribery and corruption on a massive scale.

  1. “It was rigged!” screams Lucy Gutenberg, head of the Random Chaos Football Association (RCFA). “Althaniq bribed the IFF and bought the rights to host! The IFF’s directors need to be held to account for its corruption in a Random Chaosian court of law! Demand their extradition to the Free Land, and we could clean up football!”
  2. “Are you kidding me?” shouts IFF head honcho Joe Splatter, fidgeting with a conspicuously shiny new gold ring. “Althaniq presented to us the best bid! Even if they never hosted before, and have no stadiums, or training facilities, or football clubs... or footballs. Look, the point is that this is outside your jurisdiction. Keep out of our business dealings, and in return we’ll send a few political donations your way. You win, we win.”
  3. “Who cares where the tournament is held?” asks Random Chaos team captain Sancho Navarrete, dribbling all over your office carpet. “We’re going to represent our nation on the world stage, and we don’t want to disappoint our fans! There’ll be breathtaking goals, heroic tackles and lucrative sponsorship deals! Who cares about scandals? Just put some government money into our team to get us the best high-tech training facilities, and help us deliver what really matters — Global Cup victory!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, high school principals regularly send armed truancy patrols to drag problem students to school.

2020-06-06 09:30

Truancy on the Rise

Parents and teachers alike have expressed concern to the Random Chaos Board of Education that truancy in schools is reaching alarmingly high levels, claiming that it’s to blame for rising vandalism rates.

  1. “The truancy situation is just getting worse and worse,” says Dixie Zaius, the chair of a local PTA group. “We’ve got children in our schools who turn up for maybe a couple of classes a week. It’s getting ridiculous! They can’t learn if they don’t turn up. The government must introduce some sort of special truancy patrol in the police force. Controlled by us, of course.”
  2. “WHAT KIND OF WORTHLESS IDEA IS THAT?!” bellows General Jack Fernandez, the Head of the Random Chaos Military Academy, while turning a brilliant beetroot-red. “What these troublesome brats need is a good term in military school. I’ll straighten ‘em up, alright. NOW DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY!”
  3. “I really don’t see what the problem is,” says student Naki Martin, smoking an odd smelling substance. “I mean, so what if I only go to school three to four days a month? It means I’m able to work full-time, which probably benefits the economy or... yeah, something like that. The government should just back off, man.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teenage TV characters are played by thirty-year-olds by the end of the second season.

2020-06-06 03:00

Never Work With Children

A children’s rights activist sparked controversy when she wrote a column for The Random Chaos City Herald. In a penetrating exposé, she denounced the practice of using child actors in TV commercials and movies, calling it “downright child abuse” and demanding that child actors be banned from working.

  1. “Look at this!” exclaims the children’s rights activist in question, Hope Gruber, as she shows you the video of a cute tot guzzling Eckie-Ecola and gurgling, ‘I yove my Eckie-Ecoya!’ with a huge grin on his chubby face. “This might look like a 30-second commercial, but children often spend a whole day at the studio to complete the shots. Movies take months of long, gruelling days! If these kids were working in a sweatshop, everyone would be infuriated. Child labour doesn’t stop being abuse when children work in a film set. You should ban kids from acting immediately.”
  2. “Whoa! How are we supposed to film the third sequel to How To Train Your Unicorn without rug rat... valued child actors?” yells film director Matt Nakatomi, flanked by a small girl wearing a princess gown. “If anything, we should relax our overprotective labour laws, encouraging movies - all our vital industries - to utilise more kids. That way, children can familiarise themselves with the camera and become the future stars of Random Chaos! Besides, kids love play-acting, and we always ask for their consent. Don’t you like being a princess, sweetie?”
  3. “Dear, please be reasonable here,” says Mrs. Suspectfire, the presenter of a popular children’s show, looking at you over her wire-framed glasses. “Let’s admit: commercials and movies do need child actors. But we must make sure they’re not exploited, by limiting the working hours. If we just allow child actors to work for no more than one hour per day, nobody can say that is child abuse.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, getting an autograph has become harder than ever.

2020-06-05 21:00

Is the Signature Always Right?

It took approvals for dubious government expenses claims, the surprising discovery of your name endorsing documents you have never seen, and your niece getting away with cutting school before government officials realized your signature had been forged. Now your office is, as usual, full of advisers willing to give their two pens on the issue.

  1. “This is the result of insufficient security checks,” suggests Jadzia Payne, your Minister of Complicating Things. “If every signature across the nation required a counter-signature, forgery-resistant inks, a DNA test, family history checks, and an authenticity report produced by a staffer of my Ministry, I can ensure such forgeries would become a thing of the past!”
  2. “Did you know that in medieval Maxtopia, anybody caught counterfeiting was boiled to death?” states your brother, carrying a history tome under his arm. “I say, great minds think alike, so why not re-introduce this practice? Nobody who inks straight will dare forge your signature if they knew they’d risk being put to death in atrocious suffering!”
  3. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” whispers your Minister of Shady Things Ming Ward, clad in an ink-black suit. “Imagine if we hired these counterfeiters and asked them to forge your political opponents’ signatures. The whole concept of consent would be in our... I mean your hands now.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, when electric cars arrived nobody heard them coming.

2020-06-05 15:00

Every Day I’m Muffling

After many days of loud and obnoxious cars speeding through the main streets of Random Chaos City, a bill that proposes a mandatory muffler muting for motor vehicles has been presented to you.

  1. Bharatendu Wonka, a tired-looking single parent, pleads for change. “Have you ever tried sleeping while these high-speed hooligans are making noise through the night? It’s torture! Whenever they go by, my kids wake up crying, and I get zero rest! Make mufflers an absolute must...” He yawns loudly, then drops onto your floor, fast asleep.
  2. Gertie Ebert, a member of the feared but mostly harmless Rabid Gamblers gang, pulls up in her beefed-up 4x4 diesel truck. “Hell, no! Can you really bring yourself to tame a beast like this with mufflers? Where’s your sense of fun? In fact, let’s make Random Chaos the loudest nation in The Hatrackia, and subsidise great Random Chaosian auto manufacturers making great Random Chaosian cars.”
  3. Looking a little nervous, environmentalist Lars Longbottom whispers a few words in your ear. “I think we can do better than a few mufflers. Instead, we could insist that all engines should be fully electric - this will eliminate engine noise entirely. You’ll have to push this through quickly with an executive order though, or Big Oil lobbyists will surely shut it down. Green Power, Leader!” He salutes you and sidles away, checking to make sure he isn’t being followed.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, eight-year-olds with lemonade stands have been known to be locked up on charges of embezzlement.

2020-06-05 09:00

Kids and Criminality: Whose Responsibility?

Recent studies showing that the sources of Random Chaos’s most common street crimes (vandalism, muggings, joyriding, and witchcraft) are children under the age of criminal responsibility have prompted a national outcry for government action.

  1. “These damned hooligans are running wild on our streets!” splutters hard-nosed Sergeant Alexander Reid of the police force. “My overworked officers can’t cope anymore! Everywhere we look we’re being surrounded by mobs of unruly children! I need you to give me and my officers the power to dish out punishment to these little hoodlums. I don’t care how young these kids are - they need to learn to behave properly as soon as possible. Even if it requires a short jail sentence of ten years or so.”
  2. “The last thing we need is a police force that prosecutes, convicts, AND sentences young kids!” yells outraged Child Welfare Officer Elena Xiaoping. “These youngsters are merely children being playful! Let them learn from their own mistakes! You can’t tell me you weren’t ever naughty when you were that young! Experience is the tree from which learning is a fruit, remember, and besides: the taxes needed to round them all up would be murder.”
  3. “Hah! Yeh’re lookin’ at this the wrong way!” says Jean-Paul Eliot, an elderly pensioner, hobbling up to you and poking you in the chest with a walking stick. “When I was wee, and if I was caught breakin’ the law, me dad would’ve beaten seven types of bahoola out of me! If a kid’s gone maladjusted and started nickin’ cars and whatnot, look at the parents and punish them for not bringin’ the tiny scions up right! Yeh can’t blame a kid for the environment they were raised in an’ that’s that!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, banana distribution among collective farm workers is an important topic in public discourse.

2020-06-05 03:00

This Green and Pleasant Land

Good news, everyone! An unexpected rise in the water table has transformed a million acres of former desert into green and fertile and farming-ready land. As the government owns this land, it’s now up to you what you do with it.

  1. “Efficiency. Productivity. Produce. Those are the three F’s of New Plus Agro Cycles™,” says CEO Matt Peña, “and if you wonder if you failed to spot the third F, it’s all about the customer! Yes, sell us this land and we will turn it into a model of efficiency! No government investment, no taxpayer’s money wasted, just cultivation as far as the eye can see! New jobs will be created, and investors will be attracted. Just sign here!”
  2. “Why would you consider that?” yells villager Siko Washington, waving a pitchfork with one hand and a little red book with the other. “You want to just GIVE IT AWAY to these rich fat cats, so they can get even richer? No! This land should be owned by the state, but worked by a commune of local farmers, with a small plot of land for each farmer! This way is fair for everyone.”
  3. “No, no, no! It’s like a traffic light, if you want to be green you’ve got to put up a red light and make a green space, because you don’t want to be in the red on being green!” explains Amber Davis, her metaphors as messed up as her flower-entangled hair. “We need to turn this into a nature resort, that flora and fauna can make their home!”
  4. “Excuse me, is anyone going to ask why this has happened?” asks party-pooping scientist Engelbert Kumar. “We can’t make use of this land till we understand what happened. I suggest establishing a research station here, and getting a better understanding of the ecological changes that led to this fertile land emerging.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a suspicious number of male students have joined the Ladies' Wrestling League.

2020-06-04 21:00

Cheerleading Community Does the Splits

When East Random Chaos City High School denied a male student’s request to join their cheerleading squad, they thought that was the end of it. Since then, the story has been picked up by the national media, with the boy, the cheerleading coach, and a spokesperson from Equality Random Chaos giving interviews about the controversy. Now, a gaggle of highly-opinionated and very-spirited individuals have entered your office, demanding your attention.

  1. “Give me an ‘E’! Give me a ‘Q’! Give me a ‘U’-‘A’-‘L’! Give me an ‘I’, and a ‘T’, and a great big ‘Y’! What’s it spell? EQUALITY!” cries Anakin Starkey, doing an impressive backflip routine in his plaid skirt. “Every boy deserves an equal chance to live out their dreams, whether that dream is to cheer a mediocre football team, or be on a mediocre football team! You must force every school to allow any individual to join any team they want, regardless of sex! Why not? Girls are just as strong as boys, and we boys can be darn cute in these skirts!” Cheering your name, he cartwheels out the door.
  2. “Cheerleading is for girls, and only for girls,” asserts middle-aged former cheerleader and parent, Minerva Bulsara, as she attempts to perform a forward roll, but gets stuck underneath your desk. “Let the boys do wholesome boy sports, like football and boxing, away from our precious daughters! You know what teen boys are like: primitive hormone factories, only after one thing! Besides, with rates of sexual abuse on campuses already so high, you must prevent boys and girls having any contact in sport.” She ceases her attempts to extricate herself from beneath the desk, gasping for air.
  3. “You’re both idiots!” thunders Doug Hayes, his neck muscles straining against the collar of his camouflage shirt. “Cheerleading is stupid. It’s not even a real sport! The funds wasted on girls prancing about could be used on REAL sports, that help REAL men to become strong and powerful! Taught by manly coaches, like me. Abolish this waste of money immediately, and pour the cash into useful, manly sports!” He punts one of your priceless vases into your equally priceless chandelier.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, epidemiologists happily announce that the reported incidence of depression is close to zero percent.

2020-06-04 15:00

Tilting at Wind Turbines

An unprecedented spectacle unfolded yesterday when Minister of Energy Don Lamancha was attending a conference on alternate energy resources. Lamancha is reported to have attacked a wind turbine with an improvised spear, all the time shouting loudly that it was trying to kill him. It turns out that the minister was suffering from schizophrenia, which he had not previously disclosed for fear of losing his job.

  1. “My behaviour was completely uncalled for,” apologizes Lamancha. “My medication timings were a little mixed up by all the travelling, and I genuinely believed for a moment that the wind turbine was a giant. I assure you, I am still capable of doing my job, and it would be a good thing for this country if you were to show some kindness here. No-one should be discriminated against because of mental illness.”
  2. “He must stand down!” grandiosely demands your Secretary of State Sigmund Narcissus, stepping directly in front of the Energy Minister with clear intent to exclude the man. “It’s fine for mentally weak people to participate in low-level jobs like pizza delivery or drink-bottling, but they have no business being in government. Imagine the danger that we would face if we left cruise missile launch codes with a psychotic individual! Politicians with mental disorders must be given the sack.”
  3. “That doesn’t go far enough!” screams your National Security Advisor, who appears to be wearing a highly-reflective helmet. “How can we be sure that people with mental disorders won’t poison our food or sabotage our infrastructure in a fit of madness? We must bar them completely from all forms of employment. That way-” He stops abruptly and glares suspiciously at a nearby television. “Can we adjourn to another room? I think we’re being spied on.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, heroes long thought dead are promptly killed upon their return.

2020-06-04 09:00

The Walking, Talking, and Irritated Dead

Seven years ago Oliver King went missing after a yachting accident, and has since been declared officially dead. However, he recently re-emerged and came back to Random Chaos. Despite showing up in person to get his death certificate reversed, he found he could not do so. His mortician has come to complain to you on his behalf, as corpses aren’t allowed in the building.

  1. “It seems silly to me that my corpse... er, I mean patient, is still considered dead,” says Fumiko Sparkle, the mortician of Oliver King, as she pushes a gurney with a covered and very life-like mannequin on it. “If somebody who has been declared dead shows up and gets an examination, the doctor should be able to change their legal status to living.”
  2. The mannequin suddenly sits up, revealing itself to be Lance Broadside, who was also declared legally dead after getting lost in the rain forests of Macronesia ten years ago. “Being dead isn’t all bad, I suppose. There are no taxes, my family got an insurance pay-out... I guess it’s kind of fun to be a ‘zombie’! You should just let me stay legally dead. People like me, who officially ‘don’t exist’, can’t claim any government benefits, so you guys get to save some money too.”
  3. “I may have made a mistake, but after seven years it’s reasonable to presume someone isn’t coming back,” states Rory Harrison, the registrar who made the death of Oliver King official. “Of course Oliver is still alive and should be registered as such. Therefore, his family should be made to return their insurance pay-out, and his last will and testament needs to be scrutinized to see if they received any other benefits from his death.”
  4. “You know, maybe Lance Broadside is on to something,” says your Minister of Necromancy, Agatha Octavian. “Maybe we should create a task force of legally dead people to eliminate dissenters. We can deny their existence easily because they’re all dead, and if anybody tries to blow the lid off it, they’ll just sound like a crackpot who believes children’s stories!”
  5. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ZOMBIE!” screams your young and excitable niece. “KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!” Your sister comes in to try to calm the hysterical girl down, as she shouts over the screaming. “Seriously though, if the government says people are dead, they ought to ensure it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the military perceives nations hit by natural disasters as "easy pickings".

2020-06-04 03:00

A “Friend” in Need

The aggressive nation of Blackacre has been struck with a series of massive natural disasters that have killed tens of thousands and destroyed sanitation, transit, and economic infrastructure, with the likely consequence of great suffering for millions in the coming months. This has presented you with the moral quandary of whether or not you should come to the aid of a nation that has frequently declared its hatred for Random Chaos and the Random Chaosian way of life.

  1. “Well, it serves them darn well right!” shouts your infuriated Minister of Defense, furiously kicking your expensive imported mahogany desk and sending your papers flying. “An eye for an eye, I say! They insulted us multiple times, and they got what they deserved. As a matter of fact, now is the perfect time to truly pay them back for their slander of our great nation! They want aid? How about we aid them by sending some missiles aimed right at their capital? That’ll show them!”
  2. “Not that I don’t agree with Mr. Compassionate over here, but that particular method only seems to stir up unwanted trouble,” notes Agnes Smit, Random Chaos’s top chess master and military strategist. “Frankly, there’s a much better way of making our point without causing so much international outcry. Why not provide them aid, but so much of it that they become dependent on us for survival? Flood them with food, but do nothing to help their farmers. Supply them with power, but don’t build power infrastructure. Then, when they’ve lost any capacity to support themselves, start charging them! We can look good internationally while secretly waging war against their economy.”
  3. “It’s just too much effort these days to try to take over another country,” sighs Dave Bonaparte, former soldier and current aide to the Minister of Foreign Affairs. “For that matter, it’s too much effort to even provide aid when we have so much to focus on here. Crime, poverty, resources, and all that. It’s a shame what’s happened, but we aren’t the only nation in the world. Let’s cut all aid. There’s probably some other nation that’ll be foolish enough to help them out, anyway.”
  4. “Regardless of what Blackacre’s government’s actions have been in the past, there are millions of innocent civilians who are going to be harmed or even killed,” suggests your secretary while cleaning the mess of papers off your desk. “How would you feel if you were homeless and hungry, and others turned a blind eye? This is a humanitarian disaster. We need to send aid and do whatever we can to help. Helping them is the moral thing to do, and that’s all there is to it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, commuters are denied boarding for attempting to bring packed lunches onto trains.

2020-06-03 21:00

Putrid Predicament

A sudden rise in the popularity of stinky foods has hit Random Chaos. Increasing numbers of commuters are ferrying the offensive foodstuffs on public transport, clogging vehicles in an unpleasant stench and repulsing fellow riders.

  1. “They smell absolutely, utterly vile, Leader!” complains Natalia Annan, a regular commuter. “That bloody overpowering stench of stinky foods like that of durians can persist for several days, rendering enclosed spaces like trains or buses a horrible nightmare for commuters such as myself. You should prohibit all foul foods from being brought onto public transport, and spare our noses from this malodorous, agonizing assault.”
  2. “We haven’t even mentioned the danger that they pose!” adds the obsessive Minister of Public Safety, passing you an informative pamphlet on food safety. “Other putrid foods like mature bries can harbor mold that act as vectors for food-borne diseases, and durians have hazardously sharp spikes that can cause serious injuries. They pose major health risks towards our people that we cannot overlook! In order to prevent a public health disaster, we must banish every single one of these foodstuffs from our nation.”
  3. “This is simply unbelievable!” rages obscure food connoisseur Warwick Garza, while handing out fermented tofu. “I’ll have you know that these redolent foods are a gift from the gods, and dismissing any of them because of their unique aromas is simply childish. Why should the gastronomic cognoscenti be denied such delectable delicacies due to a few overly sensitive neurotics? In fact, I think it is imperative you promote these foods as national dishes and have them served during state dinners.”
  4. “I believe that the ‘joys’ of stinky foods would be better appreciated on the battlefield,” mutters Boris Medina, the army’s Head Researcher, as he cracks open the husk of a durian with a sinister grin on his face. “It is clear that their potent stenches are simply unparalleled in their power. If we were to extract, intensify, and mass produce each of the repulsive chemical compounds in the foodstuffs that cause this, then we would be able to employ them as chemical weapons against our adversaries! Nobody would stand in our way once we let them rip!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, titles of nobility are packaged with Random Chaosian citizenship in invite-only auctions.

2020-06-03 15:00

The Noblest of Intentions

Outraged serfs are striking in the streets today, after the newly appointed Duke of Random Chaos City flippantly subinfeudated the capital’s West End to a wealthy foreign investor, bestowing upon him peons, mesne lordship rights and a lesser noble title.

  1. “Bringing back the oppression of serfdom was bad enough, but now you’re giving away our homes, us, even, to a foreigner?” shouts a mud-stained Doug Carter, proud WestEnder and this week’s executive officer of a local anarcho-syndicalist commune. “The only thing that outlander ever did for Random Chaos was invest in that so-called Duke’s business! There’s nothing noble about perpetuating the economic and social differences in our society. Down with feudalism! Give us back Random Chaos the way we like it. Boo!!!”
  2. “Frankly, you should be thanking me for helping Random Chaos recruit business leaders from all over the world,” drawls the Duke of Random Chaos City, laughing maniacally as he thumbs through one of his many passports. “Remember why we did this in the first place: to ensure an obedient and productive workforce that will help us win a place as a powerhouse in the international economy. Let us quell the commoners and teach them their proper place! Anyway, my old Maxtopian mate from boarding school is looking to get into cotton - are you terribly attached to Gambler Park?”
  3. “We need to return to the good old days, when a noble title was recognition of good blood,” contends Kendall Howell, draped in the flag and failing miserably to rip a foreign banknote in half. “Our nobility shouldn’t bring dirty foreigners into the centre of our economy; the only people allowed to own businesses and serfs should be Random Chaosian through and through - people like you and me.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government officials across Random Chaos are being "encouraged" to adopt gamblers to set an example for the populace.

2020-06-03 09:00

No Rest for the Weary Gambler

With the popularity of gambler racing in Random Chaos booming, the growing number of retired racing gamblers being abandoned on the streets has become harder to ignore. As irresistibly cute pictures of sad-looking gamblers fill up the pages of newspapers, the time has come for government action.

  1. “We’re overflowing with gamblers here!” exclaims Michonne Chan, owner of the Sunset Gambler Retirement Lodge. “And we just don’t get enough donations from the public to house them all. We’re now facing a choice between turning away gamblers, or putting them down. It’s the gambler racing industry’s fault we’re in this situation - make them pay for homing the gamblers they cast off.”
  2. “Not far enough!” declares animal-rights protestor Venus Humperdink, wearing a gambler costume to show her sympathy for their plight. “There’s only one reason that gamblers get abandoned in the first place, and that reason is gambler racing. These poor creatures get cooped up in a cage all day and are virtually starved so they race well, all to line the pockets of some avaricious gambling bosses. The solution is obvious - ban gambler racing!”
  3. “Hold on! Random Chaos has a powerhouse Gambling Industry — do you really want to give it all up because of some gamblers?” asks Ben Plantagenet, owner of the Random Chaos City Gambler Stadium. “What we need is less regulation, so we can race the animals more often, and draw more punters in. Besides, the gamblers love to race, at least compared to the beatings.”
  4. “There’s a better solution to this all,” suggests animal shelter volunteer Charlotte Weber, as she fixes a leash to a gambler. “There is a problem, but it isn’t with the gambler racing industry; it’s that not enough people are adopting gamblers. All we need is a national campaign to persuade people to adopt a gambler - and you can set them an example!” Handing you a grizzled old gambler, she finishes, “Here’s Buddy.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, delivery truck companies use hospital parking lots to store 16-wheelers.

2020-06-03 04:00

It’s Our Lot in Life

Random Chaos City General Hospital is facing heavy criticism for towing a cancer patient’s car away for failing to pay the parking fees. Critics claim that the charges are far too high and that the hospital acted cruelly, while the hospital insists that the income source is necessary to help offset costs of operation.

  1. “The RCNHS is meant to give us healthcare free at the point of delivery, and these charges are adding insult to our literal injuries!” complains Chuck Duterte, a hospital patient seen dragging along an IV bag. “The government must crack down on these greedy hospitals taking advantage of the sick. Ban them from charging people to park their cars! If they’re really that strapped for cash, they can always run a charity drive or something.”
  2. “You people do realize that RCNHS hospitals have limited budgets, right?” asks Ivanka Lobachevsky, the Chairwoman of the Random Chaos City General Hospital Trust. “We get thousands of patients and visitors each day that we need to look after, and the fees we collect from parking greatly help us save money for our bonuses... er... the taxpayer. Look, if people want to avoid parking rates, then the government should increase funding to cover the budget shortfall that would create.”
  3. “As always, the private sector has a solution!” exclaims Milhouse Shaft, owner of a ride sharing service. “What if patients and hospital visitors called us and we drove them right to the hospital? That way they won’t have to worry about their cars getting towed. We’ve also been looking to get into the ambulance service, and with some government funding, we could expand our business model across all of Random Chaos! Apply competition and market forces to emergency transportation, and watch those response times fall!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation grinds to a halt on the anniversary of every marginally noteworthy event.

2020-06-02 21:00

The War to End All Wars

It’s the centenary of a great war that shook The Hatrackia, and competing plans to commemorate the historic moment are being considered for approval.

  1. “No expense must be spared!” shouts military historian Sancho van Dyke through his unfashionable mustache. “This historic event must be celebrated through every town square in the country. Parades, street parties, reenactments! I’m sure all our citizens will contribute handsomely to making this celebration truly memorable.”
  2. “Excellent! And let’s not stop with the past,” proclaims Brigadier-General Selma Columbus, Director of Public Outreach for the Army. “We can use this burst of patriotic fervor to give a strong message of support to today’s armed forces, going forward. We should have a big parade of our men and women in uniform in Random Chaos City with a fly-by from the Air Force. We can never have too many recruits, after all.”
  3. “Do you have any idea how much all of that would cost?” complains budget auditor Aphrodite Kennedy while eating a stale rice cracker for lunch. “We shouldn’t spend money on something that happened a hundred years ago, and the savings from all that pomp and circumstance can be returned to the taxpayers. Are you going to eat that sandwich?”
  4. “I don’t mind having a commemoration, but we need to remember that most of the people who died in the Great War were common workers like me,” says union leader Ebenezer Rhodes, who never seems to be content with anything. “I think it’s only fair that we give everyone a national holiday, so we can all reflect upon our history of class oppression. Otherwise celebrations like this end up just being for you toffs.”
  5. “Of course we should remember the War - but there was nothing ‘Great’ about it!” pontificates student protester Kim Yeats, who has read two and a half books about the War and now knows everything about it. “It was a shameful bloodbath caused by greedy capitalist arms manufacturers, and it could have been avoided. We should be remembering the incalculable tragedy of it all and making sure it never happens again!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military parades quietly tiptoe their way through the streets.

2020-06-02 15:00

Concussive Percussion

While attending a performance by the Random Chaos City Philharmonic Orchestra last Thursday, 75-year-old baker William McCloud suffered an unexpected heart attack. Several music critics have attributed the death to the surprise of cannon fire used in the song “2012 Overture”, which the Orchestra was playing at the time. However, much opposition has been drummed up against the critics, and both sides have clashed just outside your office.

  1. “This could have been prevented, if someone hadn’t decided to include cannon fire in the performance!” presses Ben Sosa, while he fumbles through a pile of sheet music. “We simply can’t allow this to happen again, and the only way to make sure of that is to ban any weapons from being fired during musicals and performances, and take a stern stance against overly loud music. Cannons are deadly!”
  2. “If anything, we should be encouraging the use of alternative percussion in music,” poises Georgina Brewer, a renowned composer, while putting a fuse into a suspicious looking stick. “Take, for example, the crash cymbals. Whose idea was it to bang two pieces of metal together to make music? Boring! Nothing entertains an audience like explosions, gunfire, and the sounds of war. War... that’s it! We should bring in the military to give all musical performances an explosive touch!”
  3. “She has no idea what she’s talking about,” claims Larry Harris, speaking almost inaudibly. “Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you that a quiet, peaceful performance is one worth seeing. Like the crickets chirping, the birds tweeting, and the trees... treeing. I say we redirect some government funding to the musicians that make use of such natural and flowing sounds, to help preserve the fine predilections of the eardrum.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Maxtopian Grass flags adorn every college dorm room.

2020-06-02 09:00

Caught Green Handed

A surprising number of politicians from all walks of life have admitted to smoking Maxtopian Grass and other soft drugs. Some are calling this a fragrant disregard of the law, while others believe this should spark a major shift in the nation’s War on Drugs.

  1. “Isn’t this typical?” scoffs columnist Erica Harrison, “Once again these crooked politicians are getting away with things that would put us regular folk in jail. The government is sending a very mixed message by not acting on this. They decry drugs, yet several of their own are known users. If the government has any sense of credibility they would send these criminals to jail with the rest of the druggies.”
  2. “On the contrary; this sends a very clear message,” replies a man with a large beard while smoking an unidentifiable substance, “The latest surveys show that the majority of citizens disagree with the government on this issue. More people than ever before are supporting legalization, particularly among youth. It seems like a few of our politicians have finally caught on. Instead of punishing these brave men and women for a victimless crime, let’s do something positive and legalize the stuff already.”
  3. “I’ve got an idea!” suggests Judas Octavian, an advisor you thought you’d fired last month, “We can’t alienate our conservative base by legalizing drugs, but we also don’t want to send our political allies to jail. What if all the politicians wrapped up in this scandal set the record straight by saying they didn’t inhale? That’s what we experts call deniable plausibility.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, immigrants who don't like the taste of Random Chaosian Turnip Chips are immediately deported.

2020-06-02 03:00

Dying for a Kiss

Aria Berenstain, a 15-year-old immigrant residing in Random Chaos City, was murdered recently. The unusual circumstance here is that her killer was her own father, who had executed her in an ‘Honor Killing’, for sharing a kiss with a Random Chaosian boy. The father has now been arrested, but he is showing no remorse.

  1. “This is what I’ve been saying all along,” says nationalist politician Gene Guilliman in a tone that can only be described as a Frankenstein-mix of smugness and fury. “When we let these foreigners into our country, they import barbaric practices. Unless you want us to one day become ‘The Holy Fundamentalist Kingdom of Random Chaos’, you should set up a vetting process to keep crazies out. Maybe a profiling test that makes sure that immigrants share our values? Oh, and make the immigrants who are already in take that test too!”
  2. “And who defines this?” asks Ethel Nakatomi, a human rights lawyer who is herself an immigrant. “What happened here was tragic, but we mustn’t be reactionary. Maybe if Random Chaos wasn’t so hostile to immigrants, the dad wouldn’t have minded his daughter dating a local! I don’t condone this murder, but the root cause here is a divided society. Throw some funding into celebrating the religious festivals and cultural practices of the world, and bring the community together as one.”
  3. “Am I missing something obvious here?” asks loutish thug Vladimir Thomas, missing something obvious. “Seems to me that the girl dishonored her father, and so her father killed her for the sake of his family name. I mean, why are we saying that’s a bad thing? How could anyone call that a bad thing?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, several inches are being added to first class seating.

2020-06-01 21:00

A Little Bit Short

A recent exposé revealed that growth hormone therapy — an expensive treatment meant to help children who are producing little to no growth hormone on their own — is increasingly being prescribed to wealthy children who are just somewhat shorter than average.

  1. “I just want what’s best for my little Timmy; what parent wouldn’t?” asks Luigi Wheeler, who appears to have bribed your guards into getting an unscheduled meeting with you. “Growth hormone therapy is completely safe and the best doctor money could buy said it was a medically valid treatment for my little Timmy, what with him being two whole inches below normal. Whether or not Timmy gets hormone therapy is between his doctor, my accountant, and me, not the government.”
  2. “Great!” sarcastically exclaims Wheeler’s valet after he has walked out of the room. “One more way the rich get it better off than the poor. My kids are even shorter than his, but I could never afford this treatment. You have to level the playing field. State-employed doctors should determine who truly needs growth hormone therapy, and the state should pay for it.”
  3. “This is insane,” cries a voice whose origins you can’t locate at first, until you look down and find the wee Dr. Bill Harford. “There’s nothing wrong with being shorter than average, even way shorter than average. You can’t call something a ‘treatment’ if there are no adverse health effects associated with the ‘illness’ it treats. Ban growth hormone therapy in all cases and teach Random Chaosians to love each other no matter what their size.”
  4. “I agree that the government should assure no one feels inferior because of the hand nature dealt to them,” asserts everyman Berger Harrison, who is so average as to be completely unidentifiable. “However, what we should be doing is manipulating the hormones of all children so that they all end up at exactly the same height. All men may not be created equal, but we can fix that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, adverts proclaim it has to be healthy if the Mornay uses hand-grated Gallopavian Gruyère.

2020-06-01 15:00

Can It!

Mass-produced microwavable meals have become increasingly popular due to their convenience and low cost. However, the Skandilundian research group Meals for Sustenance and Gastronomy has warned that the dietary imbalance found in the nation’s microwavable meals may be leaving Random Chaosians at risk of malnutrition.

  1. “This is truly embarrassing!” states physician Dr. Cindy Nxumalo, massaging her temples. “We have become so reliant on these low-quality packaged meals that we have lost all perception of what good nutrition is! I suggest that we abolish fast food restaurants and these dreadful poor-quality ready-meals. Instead, we should encourage Random Chaosians to enjoy cooking their own wholesome food with fresh produce.” She swats the bowl of Ma Nature’s Truly Triglyceride Macaroni and Cheese out of your hands.
  2. “Our problem is that the nation has lost any sense of fine ingredients!” declares chef Hermes Turner, manager of Random Chaos City’s finest eatery The Gilded Chip. “There’s no need to ban the commercial food industry. You should merely ensure that manufacturers and chefs use better-quality ingredients. Once they have tasted food that’s not filled with monosodium glutamate and E-numbers, they will be lining up at the door to taste all the fine cuisine Random Chaos has to offer. Such as the delights offered by my restaurant.” He places a freshly-cooked deep-dish pizza in front of you.
  3. Sniffing the air, a man wanders into your dining room and picks up your spilled macaroni. “You gonna eat that?” He devours the soggy pasta with a satisfied sigh. “I really don’t see the problem with processed meals. Firstly, they are the most delicious thing ever. Also, they’re quick and easy to make, and cheap to buy. In fact, why do we need any other food? Whether you buy Ma Nature or Yums for Tums, all microwavable meals are just so great! Why don’t we ban all other food production, and make Random Chaos the world capital for microwavable cuisine? It would be ravioli heaven!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, unshaven men are viewed with suspicion in courts of law.

2020-06-01 09:00

Monkey Business

The legal world is in turmoil following the murder of zoo-keeper, Patty Hopkins. The only witness to this crime is the victim’s prized charge, Maxx the lowland gorilla. Maxx has repeatedly communicated the victim’s final words and identified the murderer via sign-language. Top legal experts are debating whether or not animals should be allowed to testify.

  1. “Of course the gorilla should be allowed to testify,” demands Phil Hutz, the lawyer for the prosecution, who has lost every single case, yet still receives business. “Maxx has not only identified the murderer, but also how his keeper was murdered. His testimony must absolutely be considered and if you ask me, the trial is as good as done.”
  2. “This is ridiculous!” scoffs sharply-dressed Xanatos Perez, the most expensive defence lawyer in Random Chaos, who has never lost a case. “For Violet’s sake, this witness is an animal, not a person! It is a mockery of justice to convict the accused based on the signals of a gorilla — which, may I remind you, could have easily been trained! Frankly, I can’t believe that we’re wasting our time debating this nonsense.”
  3. “Ah, but what if the gorilla is the murderer?” deduces prominent mystery author Edgar Doyle, while dusting your coffee cup for prints. “The police have stated that the victim recently changed her will so that her favourite ape inherited everything, and the will itself was covered in fruit seeds. Animals share the same lust for violence and greed that humans do, haven’t you ever watched Planet Animal? They spend their entire lives killing and eating each other. In order to keep our citizens safe, we should hold animals accountable under the same laws humans are, and in the case of murderers like this gorilla: they should be put down. Maxx had the means and the motive — officers, arrest that gorilla!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, real estate agencies are being replaced by naval recruitment offices.

2020-06-01 03:00

Room and Board Games

One night, while playing an extremely lengthy board game at your home in Random Chaos City, you are interrupted by your worried-looking advisors. A recent exposé has revealed that Brancalandian corporations are buying up precious real estate in Random Chaos City, often leaving it to sit vacant indefinitely.

  1. Your nephew’s friend, housing activist Violet Chance, rolls the dice. “I have to share my apartment with three other people! With rent so high, we’re forced to bunk together in spaces the size of a thimble! My utility closet alone contains a triple bunk bed! We Random Chaosians could afford some decent housing if foreign investors weren’t driving up costs. You must forbid foreigners from owning real estate!”
  2. “Housing prices aren’t the real problem. National security is at risk here!” warns a stern-looking figure while using a clothes iron. “Brancalandians are buying up all this land because they want to establish a base of operations right in the heart of Random Chaos. After we confiscate their property, we should beef up the military... just in case. Maybe build a few more battleships. Oh, and we could always aggressively buy some property in Brancaland and see how they like it!”
  3. “Now, now,” hushes banker Cho Nickelbags, adjusting her monocle. “The Brancalandians are just trying to establish strong economic ties with us. If we iron out the wrinkles, this could be lucrative for everyone. Let foreigners own land here, but charge them mega-chips for the privilege. No free parking!”
  4. “Foreign investors create demand for luxury housing,” insists wealthy real estate developer Communa T. Chest, who took a ride on the railroad to Random Chaos City. “If you push them out of the market, new housing development will grind to a halt! Now, if you want people to be able to afford their rent, maybe you should consider lowering some taxes instead. Luxury tax, maybe. No, how about income tax?”
  5. “Whoa, whoa, ha ha ha...” interjects your Housing Minister, melodramatically sweeping your unfinished board game off the table. “We still allow private land ownership? Who let THAT little oversight slip through? Now, look. Where is our land located? Random Chaos! And who runs Random Chaos? The government! So who rightfully owns all that land? The government! Actually, maybe it’s time we abandoned capitalism and had the government control everything.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, nervous homeowners have been blamed for rising death rates amongst carol singers and locksmiths.

2020-05-31 21:00

Regarding Robbers’ Rights

The Household Defence Alliance is lobbying for the right to kill anyone who trespasses on private property.

  1. “We must take a stand against burglars and looters entering our property,” explains HDA President, Catherine Gratwick, while digging a moat around her house. “We should be able to rip their guts out with a machine gun, no questions asked. If they want rights they should have considered the poor sod they were robbing.”
  2. “Even burglars have human rights,” says Pete Mullins, while thieving a pen from your pocket. “And we don’t deserve to be shot for trying to make our way in the world. People are far more important than property, I hope you agree! Why attack a burglar? That’s the job of the coppers! I think anyone injuring anyone else should be severely punished with no excuses about trespassers or defending your property. Or yourself.”
  3. “Hey, let’s not be hasty!” cautions Violet Targaryen, an anti-gun protester. “I’m not for riddling burglars with bullets either, but I do want to protect my family! I think it would be a lot more sensible if we allowed homeowners to attack burglars, but not with guns. In fact it would be even better if we just banned guns while we’re at it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, euthanasia is legal.

2020-05-31 15:00

Cancer Sufferer Demands Euthanasia Bill

Dorothy Terwilliger lies immobilized in a hospital bed, unable to move. She has end-stage cancer, and wishes to end her struggle against death. However, laws prevent her doctors from obeying her wishes.

  1. Dorothy and her family are campaigning for a “Dying with Dignity” bill, to change this situation. She implores the government to legalize euthanasia.
  2. “I understand this is a very difficult time for these people,” says freelance medical writer Nomathemba Iglesias. “But the solution is not to let our medical system slide down the slippery slope of killing people in pain. We must cure, not kill. This is not the right time for euthanasia.”
  3. “I agree, but go further: there is never a right time for euthanasia,” says Bishop Wei Pong. “The lives we lead are given to us by the grace of God, and he decides when they end. It is not for us to question God’s divine purpose, no matter how odd or screwed-up it may seem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every product goes through extensive safety-testing by the government.

2020-05-31 09:00

Compensation Culture Must End, Say Corporations

After a recent spate of high-profile lawsuits against corporations concerning the safety of their products, corporations have appealed to the government to change the laws of compensation.

  1. “It’s crazy!” cries Ella Jammeh, CEO of Sharp ‘n’ Pointy Things Incorporated. “These people should simply not be allowed to put the blame on us if they mindlessly abuse our products! I’d have thought it would be common sense not to stick your hand in a blender to ‘see if it was working properly’. We need to outlaw these ridiculous lawsuits so I can get on with my business and those working in the law profession can get on with theirs.”
  2. “I’m almost inclined to agree,” muses Johann Preisner, a nearby firefighter. “People really should know better than to dry their cats in the microwave oven. But it’s also that microwave oven that should not start a fire if one leaves it running overnight. Let’s just put higher national safety standards in place that all products must be certified to meet. The extra expense shouldn’t worry people if it’s the difference between life and death after all.”
  3. “There’s nothing wrong with victims getting a little money for the damage they’ve suffered,” claims Nosipho Wiggum, a notorious lawyer. “In fact we should be increasing court capacities so everyone with a complaint to file won’t have to wait long before they can get before a judge. Sure it’ll be expensive to implement, but maybe then the manufacturers will think twice before selling their unsafe junk without explaining things clearly in the manuals!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, public shaming has become the favoured form of punishment.

2020-05-31 03:00

A Polar Bear’s Tale

An anonymous caller recently asked the police to break up a party at Gambler City Beach, citing an ancient law that states: ‘Goers unto the coast must be accompanied by an ursine beast of white fur’. This antiquated statute, leftover from long ago, after an influential courtier had trouble selling two dozen imported polar bears, was never rescinded. A re-examination of the many frivolous and archaic laws that are hidden within the nation’s legislative archives has found its way to you.

  1. “This is a stupid law!” complains Sheldon Janssen, who was interrogated by the police during the incident. “I was questioned for half an hour because I didn’t have a polar bear! Where am I supposed to find a polar bear? I’ve done some reading up on these old laws: did you know that in the district of West Random Chaos City it’s illegal for ladies to go out on Saturdays with a non-matching watch and handbag? These laws are foolish, and you should get rid of them.”
  2. “You can’t be serious!” exclaims Kitty Pushkin, your secretary, who’s wearing goggles because she is within 50 cubits of a fire hose, a law that applies only to the inside of Parliament. “We can’t go around erasing all these half-witted laws — that would be way too much administrative work! We should just issue guidelines to our police officers, advising them to use their discretion about whether to enforce these laws.”
  3. “Excuse me, but you seem to be forgetting that these people broke the law,” reminds goggleless Chief of Police Emily Wilson, taking care to stand 51 cubits from the fire hose. “I don’t care how ‘stupid’ you think it is: the fact of the matter is that these people disobeyed the law! Sentence them as they would have been punished when these laws were written!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teens are voting on which C-List pop star will be next to be evicted from the opera house.

2020-05-30 21:00

The Show Must Go On

Fewer and fewer people attend the Random Chaos City Opera House, largely because the younger generation and the common man consider the shows archaic and boring. The once packed auditorium now struggles to fill seats, and it is nowhere near turning a profit. Without help, the Random Chaos City Opera House is likely to close its doors.

  1. “Empty spaces, what are we living for? Abandoned places, I guess we know the score,” melodramatically declares singer-songwriter Teddie Hercules. “If Random Chaos loses opera, then we lose the very soul of our culture. Some things are bigger than money, and I’m not just talking about the leading tenor’s waistline. I insist that we establish a Random Chaosian Arts Council to fund the opera and ensure that talented mezzos and baritones can survive, no matter the cost. The show must go on, go on...”
  2. “No problem, I can Handel the funding for you,” suggests TV-producer Al Barker, while spreading out before you possible contracts for various TV programs. “Here are ideas for live elimination shows, dating shows, and celebrity-studded musicals to take place in that lovely building downtown. I’ve got a vision of big money, big drama, big entertainment, big merchandise, and big ratings: I call it Bopera. It’s a big yes from me. Give my venture cultural-exemption tax status, and I’ll keep the opera house’s doors open.”
  3. “Waste of good land,” succinctly concludes property developer Dorothy Gonzalez. “This is prime city centre real estate that could be upscale housing and a parking lot. I mean, what would you rather do: sit through six hours of fat people in ridiculous viking helmets singing in a language you don’t understand, or cut time off your commute to work?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the tightness of border controls in Random Chaos leave a little to be desired.

2020-05-30 15:00

Leader and the Chocolate Factory

Local chocolate factory Wenko’s Candy Universe was busted by the police last night. Authorities discovered that it was only able to produce its tasty treats at low, low prices due to a workforce that was comprised of illegal immigrants from Zompaboodaland, a battle-ravaged country that has been mired in a decades-long civil war. The ill-treated workers had been smuggled into Random Chaos with the promise of work, and were being forced to “work off their cost of passage.”

  1. A group of men each as tall as your knee stumble into the room and break into song. “Zoompo-boodo-zippity-zoo, master feeds us terrible food. Zoompo-boodo-zippa-dah-deeeeee, if you are bad he will whip ye! What do you get when you eat like a cat? An eating disorder, and that is that! I don’t like the taste of it!” The Zompa Boodas hand you a petition asking for all illegal immigrants to be granted amnesty and citizenship, before they are shoveled into a wheelbarrow by your security guard, in order to remove them from your office.
  2. “WHAAAAAT?” inquires madman factory owner, Willy Wenko. “These claims are preposterous! My little helpers have their own lives, families, and free will. Furthermore, I pay them plenty!” He turns to the last three little workers still in your office, handing two of them a piece of chocolate each, but grabbing the third around the throat. “So you thought it was a good idea to tell tales, huh? NO RATIONS FOR A WEEK! Ahaha, sorry, that was just a little joke... I beg you, allow me to keep our little factory family together, and let the magic of Wenko Chocolates keep bringing smiles to little children’s faces! For the kids, Leader, the kids!”
  3. “Are you kidding me? This is a no-brainer!” exclaims Immigration Officer Charles Bucket, whose fearless infiltration of the factory was instrumental in busting open the Wenko case. “It is obvious this purple-hatted lunatic was exploiting these people! How would you like it if you were kidnapped by some rich weirdo to work in their factory forever? We need to ship these little folk home immediately!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, on-duty Air Random Chaos flight attendants are usually seen napping in first class.

2020-05-30 09:00

The Plane Truth

You’ve just returned from a pleasant “diplomatic summit” on the tropical island nation of East Calypso. As your plane approaches Random Chaos City Airport, bright sunlight glimmers upon the foreign names and insignia on a variety of parked aircraft. Eventually, you see a few shabby tail fins with the Air Random Chaos logo. The woeful assortment of filthy fuselages and peeling paint barely looks airworthy. Is the national airline truly that pathetic?

  1. While waiting for the airplane to reach the gate, you receive a call from Bryan Ringham, a management consultant and frequent flier. He doesn’t waste time with chitchat. “Did you know that overhead at Air Random Chaos has seen a 380% increase over the last ten years? They won’t be competitive with numbers like that. You could help them by eliminating all regulations that prevent airlines from charging for extra services such as seat reservations, checked bags, and clean drinking water. We can have a nice, lucrative budget airline here — and maybe even create some revenue for the shareholders!”
  2. As you disembark and enter the airport, you run into a group of flight attendants who are wearing the national airline’s uniform and carrying protest signs. Their leader approaches you. “Your Excellency! Our working conditions are appalling. Air Random Chaos will never be able to improve if we’re all working sixty hours a week for the industry’s worst wages. Anyone who can get a better job with one of the foreign competitors like Maxay Pacific or Althaniq Airways has already left. Decreased hours and improved pay would do wonders for morale — meaning that we could serve the passengers better, of course.”
  3. Following this confrontation, your security detail ushers you through an employee break area to bypass the crowds. However, you are soon ambushed by airline manager Gabriel Aileron, who appears to have packed his lunch in an airsickness bag. “Why don’t we just ban all the foreign airlines?” he declares, while still chewing his food. “All of these outsiders are taking our people’s money and sending it to our enemies! A true patriot only flies Air Random Chaos, no matter how lousy the service is or how many times we skip routine maintenance— er, I mean, skip the needless luxuries. Without any foreign competition, we could keep every last chip within our borders.”
  4. Later, FlyerChat forum moderator ‘Queen of the Skies’ sends you a private message. “Air Random Chaos has nothing but disregard for its loyal passengers. First of all, the frequent flyer miles are useless. My most recent valuation puts them at only one-thousandth of a chip. Award availability is terrible, even with zirconium status. And don’t get me started on the atrocious brand of caviar they serve in first class! This needs to be an airline that cares about its passengers, even if that requires huge government subsidies to bring it up to par. The first order of business is to change the elite mileage ratios to— hold on, I’ve got another troll who keeps calling us a bunch of nerds. Let the banning commence!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, politicians are often seen drinking soft drinks at the end of every public address.

2020-05-30 03:00

Has Beans

Irritable but sleepy residents of Random Chaos have been stymied in their attempts to start the day thanks to a sudden and severe shortage of coffee. As the rate of employees sleeping on the job skyrockets, your citizens are drowsily demanding relief.

  1. A mustachioed man calling himself Juan Valdez, seen wearing a sombrero and serape and leading a burro, shows up and makes you an offer. “I can get Random Chaos access to supplies of high quality coffee more than adequate for the caffeinated quaffing needs of your people. Imagine how much more productive workers will be once they’ve had their fix of the brown stuff in the morning. Managers across the nation will thank you.”
  2. “You do know that there are other caffeinated beverages, right?” yawns your visibly tired Finance Minister. “In fact, this could be a boon for the nation’s soft drink companies. Imagine the windfall for Mountain Spew Inc. - not to mention my stock portfolio - if all Random Chaosians have to switch to soft drinks and energy drinks to get their fixes.”
  3. “Switching to soft drinks? Are you out of your drowsy mind?” objects your stunned Health Minister. “This will be horrible for Random Chaos’s health! Do this and you can expect to see diabetes rates skyrocket and obesity grow into a huge problem, pun fully intended. Why not turn everyone on to healthy alternatives, like water? Maybe the government can launch a health initiative to remind people of the benefits of H2O, and make sure that tap water is tested for the finest quality and purity.”
  4. Your wheeling and dealing nephew sidles up to you with a proposition of his own. “Hey, I know some guys who know some guys. They could hook us up with a supply of Wezeltonian beans. With my connections and suitable market restrictions, we could open a chain of government-run coffee houses with a monopoly on the brew. We could charge whatever we wanted!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, male tourists tend to be fearful of Random Chaos's deadly femme fatales.

2020-05-29 21:00

Boom or Bust?

As a crime wave grips Random Chaos, a controversial new brassiere, the Hooter Holster, has marketed itself as the ‘modern’ solution for violence against women.

  1. “The incidence reports are very alarming,” states Gerald Williams, consumer safety adviser. “Reports are flooding our offices about these holsters causing the guns to misfire. We must protect consumers and ban these brassieres in the name of public safety! Come to think of it, guns cause nothing but crime and preventable deaths. We’d be better off without them.”
  2. “YO, GOOMBA!” shouts Emile Dubois, whose ears are still ringing after a round at the shooting gallery. “The problem ain’t the guns or the holster: it’s the user. If women were properly educated on gun safety and procedure, there’d be no problemo here. A girl’s gotta learn how to protect herself!”
  3. “No, men have to learn to not be violent,” rebuffs outspoken feminist and best-selling author of Chicken Soup for the Schlong, Tanya Li. “We need to stop blaming women for the violence against them and take drastic steps to bring peace and order to our society, and that starts in the schools. We must teach boys to respect women at an early age; otherwise they will never grow out of their misogynistic habits.”
  4. “We don’t have this problem in Maxtopia,” reminds the Maxtopian ambassador and self-titled meninist Kanye Schwarzenegger. “Do you know why? It’s because we wisely don’t allow women to go out into this big and dangerous world out on their own. There are always going to be rapists and criminals out there. Now if a woman was accompanied by a male relative, friend, or coworker, violence against women would drop overnight. And don’t listen to liberals whining about women’s rights... What about the right of a woman to be free from harassment from strangers, and their right to be protected by their kin?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, science labs across the country languish in cobwebs as the government turns its attentions to spiritual matters.

2020-05-29 15:00

Appointment of a Science Advisor

After the government’s chief science advisor accidentally disintegrated himself in his latest experiment, you have come under pressure to appoint someone new to the position - but the leading candidates to replace him all have different priorities.

  1. “Science is critical to understanding our place in the natural world,” writes biologist Harambe Cheswick in his application letter, which is covered in paw-prints and smells faintly of gambler dung. “I believe we need to look more closely at how our actions affect the environment, and if I’m appointed as advisor, I’ll make sure the government takes the long term view to ecological preservation - even if that does mean putting a few public works projects and industry partnerships on hold.”
  2. “Now now, you’re not going to listen to all that tree-hugging nonsense, are you?” cajoles chemist Adama Jamieson, introduced to you at a cocktail party thrown by one of your biggest corporate donors. “The government needs to be partnering up with industry, not making things harder for them. If I’m appointed, I’ll make sure the government promotes innovation and invention - and if that means loosening up some of those silly environmental laws, then so be it!”
  3. “Typical: a new vacancy for a government science advisor opens up, and it immediately becomes a boys’ club,” sighs physicist Mary Powell, sporting a rather fetching pink lab coat. “Do you realize that girls outperform boys in science at every grade in school, but that far fewer women end up taking jobs in the sciences than men? Appointing a woman as the nation’s science advisor would be a great first step to improving access to the sciences for everyone - and I’d use the position to lobby for universities and research centres to hire more women, too.”
  4. “Whomever you appoint will just end up leading Random Chaos into further damnation!” rants fundamentalist preacher Doris Wickwire in one of her sermons, replete with typically alarming - and anatomically explicit - descriptions of what this damnation will actually entail. “It’s time we purged the government of all its heathen influences, and that includes removing anyone who might go around using words like evolution, or entropy, or evidence!” She breaks off to chase after a group of scientists passing by, waving a pitchfork at them.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is suspected of mass disappearing dissidents both at home and abroad.

2020-05-29 09:30

Subversive Shortwaves

Radio Free Random Chaos - operating out of neighboring Bigtopia - has been broadcasting subversive views throughout Random Chaos. Government hard-liners, outraged by the station’s ideology, have demanded that something now be done.

  1. “This cannot stand!” barks Justin Biscuitbarrel, head of the Armed Forces. “Bigtopia has always tried to undermine us, and allowing known rabble-rousers to broadcast their vile propaganda into our nation is just their latest attempt to destabilize our government. Immediate invasion and a blank check for the military would silence this Bigtopian nonsense once and for all.”
  2. “Excessive and far too expensive,” counters Patty Gutnick, a professor at the Random Chaos Institute of Communications Engineering. “The solution is not always bombing or occupation. After all, our main targets are their radio stations. A powerful transmitter to jam the frequencies they broadcast on will prevent anyone from listening. It just so happens I have the blueprints for such a device with me. Sure, it won’t be cheap, but it will cost far less than a prolonged military campaign.”
  3. “I think my esteemed colleagues are putting the cart before the horse,” says a shifty character from Overseas Intelligence. “It would be much more effective if there were no dissidents willing to broadcast in the first place. My people are in place; just give the word and we can silence this station within a week. Along with every other unpatriotic muckraker we can track down, of course.”
  4. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” gasps Xanatos Neumann, a social policy adviser. “Dissent is an essential part of the political process. How are we to know what we are doing wrong if we don’t listen to our critics? Sure some of them have extreme opinions, but it’s our responsibility to build bridges and understand why they feel so disenfranchised that they felt they had to leave in the first place. I suggest initiating a government-funded study to identify the root of the problem, followed by training for all government employees to ensure none of our population feels this way again.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, professional athletes juggle part-time jobs to avoid bankruptcy.

2020-05-29 03:00

Making Money Hand Over Fist

In a highly-anticipated boxing match between ‘Pretty Boy’ Shinzo Strange and Ingmar ‘The Junkyard Dog’ Herrelko watched by millions across the nation, both competitors walked away with more than one hundred million chips. Critics are claiming that the fight has ushered in a new wave of spoilt, egotistical, money-grabbing athletes.

  1. “It is utterly ridiculous,” tuts Gabriel Pasteur, a freelance journalist who formerly focused on politics but is rumored to have switched to reporting on sports to pay the bills. “If I knew dancing around like a fairy for an hour could earn me that much, I certainly wouldn’t be wasting my time writing! The government should peg athletes’ salaries to another hardworking profession, like freelance journalism, to curb this unfair advantage.”
  2. “That just doesn’t cut it,” interjects Lisbeth Wagner, head of a wage equality group. “What about the actor getting paid a princely sum for spending a day acting in a commercial? Or a CEO getting paid fifty times what their workers make to lounge on the golf course? The government should regulate all professions. Professional pay will no longer be a matter of industry and business, but of legality and government policy.”
  3. “They must think we’re grabbing money from their... wal... uh, wall... er... pockets,” mumbles the no longer so handsome-looking Shinzo Strange, who lost the fight in a knockout. “Lots of people paid to see the fight and I ear... uhh... what’s the word? EARNED that money. In fact, you should... pro... prom... help make more people watch our fights. People will have a fun thing to watch, and maybe they’ll even want to become fit like me.”
  4. “Those critics are just cowardly keyboard warriors,” hisses the infamously tough boxing coach Samuel Cruz. “I’m sure anyone critical of athletes’ salaries would quickly shut up if we forced them into a real fighting situation. They’d be good punching bags for the million chip fighter I’m training.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, businesses that prove successful are immediately broken up.

2020-05-28 21:00

To Bail or Not to Bail?

A recent severe crash in the stock market of Random Chaos and a plummet of the value of the chip has brought the issue of government bailouts to the forefront of the national agenda.

  1. “We need to do something now! The people’s welfare — not to mention all my side businesses — are in serious danger!” screams your finance minister Tamara Palpatine. “We need an extensive support program for the businesses that make our country great, otherwise we might as well join ranks with those... third-world countries,” he shudders. “Never mind that all the businesses on this list are owned by my relatives!”
  2. “You’re talking about doing what!?” screams Björk Venkman, a noted fiscal conservative and libertarian scholar. “Government bailouts won’t solve anything. They’ll only redistribute wealth to those the government happens to favor at that particular moment, while placing a crushing burden onto everybody else. The government must instead cut taxes across the board and axe all unnecessary social programs, particularly our welfare system.”
  3. “This brings up an interesting point,” remarks socialist author Gary Coulson. “Why do we allow businesses to become “too big to fail?” The solution, surely, is to break up businesses before they reach such a size that they threaten our economy. Imagine it: community-based businesses, run for the benefit of the little people, not faceless, money-grubbing investment banks! Is there really a reason corporations need to be big?”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Enforcer" to "Eminence Grise".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, foreign policy is to avoid standing up to bullies.

2020-05-28 15:00

Westfailian Sovereignty

After the United Federation sent two police cars, a police helicopter, five drones and a wind-up toy into Random Chaos to capture “Mega Momo”, a Random Chaosian citizen and alleged terrorist, the government has called a special meeting to see what should be done about this blatant breach of sovereignty.

  1. “We need to modify our military – and sharpish – to keep those United Federation pests out of our national territory,” angrily growls General Takei, whilst marching a platoon of troops into your office. “We need to stop them from doing it again. Order the entire army to the border, and have them shoot any intruders on sight. That’ll learn them!”
  2. “Are you mad?” exclaims Agnieszka Case, one of your more queasy ministers, while trying to conceal her worry beads. “The United Federation has Gigadeath 4000 planes, Smashtastic 2000 helicopters and Udienow 500 missiles, and we barely have glorified crop-dusters! We need to engage the international community and try to convince them to join us in enacting sanctions against the United Federation. That will show them we’re serious!”
  3. “Was it so bad for the United Federation to bring their coppers here?” sighs Declan Hudson, your Border Patrol Chief, while rolling his eyes at the other speakers. “Mega Momo is a terrorist and if the United Federation police got him first, then good for them! In fact, if other countries want to cross our borders to arrest someone, we should let them. Then there’d be fewer criminals for us to worry about.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every street in the nation contains at least three law firms.

2020-05-28 09:00

I Want a Lawyer

A recent independent review into government expenditure has shown that, compared to other nations in The Hatrackia, Random Chaos spends very little on legal aid for impecunious suspects.

  1. “I ain’t supposed to be in this joint!” Zeke Tano whispers down a contraband phone. “Those loser courts went and decided I did this stupid thing and now I gotsa pay for it. I didn’t do it yo! I tried to tell those fools that I was innocent, but the lawyer you hired to fork me over totally showed me up. I ain’t got no chips to pay for a brief! Who’d you think I am, Hoprah Pinfry? Damn. You wanna make things right? Get e’rrybody ‘ccused of a crime a ‘spensive lawyer too. Maybe more innocent peoples won’t get sent down.”
  2. “If you can’t afford a lawyer, it’s your own fault,” lectures blue-collar worker Commodus Chan on the evening news. “It’s not my problem if they don’t have the money or if they didn’t go to law school. If you can’t afford a lawyer, then don’t break the law. Everything has consequences! Imagine the tax burden it would put on us hard-working individuals. Actually, instead of spending money on this ridiculous notion, I’d much prefer Leader to give us a tax break.”
  3. “Hmm. Now that’s a good idea,” says Conan Humperdink, your education advisor, with a gleam in his eye. “If everybody goes to law school then we won’t need to pay for everyone to have a lawyer - they can represent themselves! We should make legal studies a core part of the curriculum, and give some incentives for people to do at least one year of law school. That way if you end up in court, you should be able to defend yourself with no problem at all.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, overcrowded buses are the new normal for suburban commuters.

2020-05-28 03:00

Blinded by the Light

It is a Random Chaosian tradition to light up one’s home with demonstrative holiday lights during festive seasons. While this has always been a distractive issue for drivers, one rather competitive neighborhood in Random Chaos City caused quite a stir. The strobe lights and military-grade lasers used in several displays caused multiple traffic accidents and temporary blindness, prompting a national discussion on this issue and scores of lawsuits.

  1. “These lights must be banned!” demands Castiel Hester, as he unintentionally smacks your interns with his walking stick. “My life has been disrupted by temporary blindness because some idiot thought it was a good idea to use strobe lights! The government must step in and ban all of these eyesores before they hurt anyone else. What’s so fun about staring at some lights, anyway?”
  2. “Come on now, you can’t be serious!” scoffs personal injury lawyer and five-time winner of Best Light Display in Random Chaos City, Indira Patton. “What about the holiday spirit and our freedom of expression? You can’t ban something that people have enjoyed for years just because a few people end up getting hurt! You’d be robbing Random Chaos of a very important holiday tradition. Besides, these injuries are great for business.”
  3. “Compromise, everyone!” exclaims your Minister of Compromises, who has been appearing in far too many meetings recently. “I agree that banning holiday lights is a ridiculous idea, but at the same time we can’t ignore the risks to public health and safety. So how about we mandate that the manufacturers tone down the brightness in their lights and ban the sale of military grade lasers and excessively bright strobe lights to the public? That way people still get their lights and nobody risks getting blinded! It sure beats spending the holidays in a hospital.”
  4. “The problem isn’t lights! It’s drivers!” complains safety advocate and leader of the Mothers Against Everything protest group, Samus Walker. “Even during regular days we have careless drivers going way over the speed limit, putting our children’s lives at risk. Cars must be banned from suburban roads! That’s what will reduce accidents, not banning lights!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, coffee cups have grown in size to accommodate the huge ingredients list.

2020-05-27 21:00

A Recipe for Success?

Popular coffee chain Moonbucks recently found itself in hot water after its Moonbucks Magic Mocha Machiatto Mixer was found to include ingredients that might lead to an increased risk in cancer, or at least a really upset stomach. Moonbucks had been using these substances despite knowing about their bad press, but as the ingredients list wasn’t visible or published anywhere they had escaped comment until now.

  1. “I can’t believe that these companies aren’t forced to disclose everything in their products!” yells frequent coffee-slurper Roger Ebert, a little hyped up from his fifteenth espresso of the morning. “The government needs to force every company to disclose a full list of ingredients regardless of the product, as well as health warnings! We need to know when our drinks contain harmful chemicals!” He points at you accusingly with a trembling index finger, twitching visibly from caffeine overload.
  2. “There’s no harm from the additives in our products!” says Abraham ‘Cappuccino’ Sharp, CEO of Moonbucks, sipping from a glass of plain tap water. “No one has come to any harm... yet. People need to quit worrying about what’s in the things they eat or drink and just learn to relax. The government should buy everyone a Moonbucks frappucino to help them with that.”
  3. “Coffeeheads, I ask you...” sighs tea-lover Earl Gray, sipping delicately from a china cup. “Why does anyone drink coffee, anyway? You should tax the foul stuff, and redirect those funds into subsidising more civilised drinks. Then perhaps while we take tea, we can enjoy the more cultured things in life - like a classic book or a proper biscuit.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has the power to seize property at will.

2020-05-27 15:00

Eminent Domain: Inherent Right or Daylight Robbery?

A furious debate over eminent domain, or compulsory purchase, the government’s right to take a citizen’s private property without permission, has erupted after the government evicted hundreds of people from their homes to make way for a new shopping complex and a bypass.

  1. “Eminent Domain? More like outright theft!” cries Julia Flanders, whose house was bulldozed. “They took away my home! I have to move everything in my life somewhere else because of the whims of some fruitcake city planner? It’s lunacy! This blatant power abuse mustn’t be allowed to continue. The government should require explicit permission before taking private property!”
  2. “You can’t be serious,” objects Nelson McAlpin, a city planner. “You’ve got to have bypasses. Eminent domain’s essential! Without it we’d actually have to pay for the property we were steali- ah- expropriating and that would mean lots of boring paperwork and be much more expensive. If we really need to build something, say a bypass to ease congestion, do you really want that to be stopped because one person says no? We need eminent domain to let Random Chaos make progress. In fact we could cut costs even more if we didn’t have to pay compensation...”
  3. “I do believe we should retain our right to eminent domain,” says Tanya Snyder, your Minister of Miscellaneous Amenities. “But to use it for private industry is just immoral and corrupting. We really ought to only use eminent domain for the purpose of building public utilities like hospitals, schools, and carparks.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the consent form for routine blood pressure measurement has been nominated for the 'Novel Of The Year' award.

2020-05-27 09:00

Any Body for Science?

A group of Random Chaosian scientists have advocated loosening ethical regulations to allow scientists to perform research with live human test subjects.

  1. “Well, it is certainly difficult to find enough willing volunteers,” argues Dr. Nikita Mengele, who slinked into your office dressed in a crisp white lab coat. “Rare conditions such as Brancalandian Burps and Random Chaosian Habitancy can only be found in a few individuals, and more often than not they refuse to take part in our studies! We need the government to step back and let us researchers decide who should and should not be tested upon, for the sake of medical science!”
  2. “Don’t listen to her, Leader,” pleads Herschel Cook, directing his cries towards your potted plant. “Doctor Mengele blinded me with her so-called research! This is what happens when scientists think that they can do whatever they want. Surely you cannot just forget about the idea of consent! If anything, you should require a fully detailed consent form for any kind of medical procedure or treatment. If any scientists don’t like it, just take away their funding.”
  3. “But what incentive would people have?” asks Melania Kent, taking a wallet and syringe out of her bag. “It’s obvious that testing on live subjects is a priceless opportunity, and that is exactly why we should place a price on it! Mandate that all participants should be paid, say, 5000 chips per day while they are undergoing tests. This stops low-rate scientists from going overboard, and it helps the poor. It’s a flawless plan!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Largest Agricultural Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cults that offer eternal life after death to those who follow a self-sacrificing saviour are frowned upon.

2020-05-27 03:00

A Question of Bad Faith

The Movementarians, the infamous cult associated with a mass suicide in the United Federation, has expressed interest in purchasing a vacant plot of land in Random Chaos. Many fear that they intend to use the land for another ritual group self-sacrifice, while the Movementarians insist it will be for purely “peaceful and spiritual” experiences.

  1. “Random Chaos believes in freedom of religion, does it not?” asks Bianca O'Hara, the only survivor of the now infamous Maxo Siege. “If you truly intend to live up to that claim, then you must allow my group to purchase the land. In fact, we’re prepared to offer you a lot of chips for it, and we’ll pay you even more if you’ll look the other way after we set up shop. Religion is a deeply personal experience. We’re not up to anything suspicious, after all.”
  2. “You can’t listen to that violent nut job!” exclaims Gabriel Usman, the ambassador from the United Federation, adjusting his over-sized Stetson and shooting open his bottle of beer with a .44 Magnum. “There’s a reason why this cult is illegal even in the liberty-loving Federation. The Movementarians’ actions caused the deaths of over six hundred people! Unless you want the same to happen here, you must ban them from setting foot in your country.”
  3. “There must be a compromise!” insists relationship counsellor Lisbeth Cole. “I say let them buy the land, but only if they agree to strict police supervision. Their faith doesn’t entitle them to break the laws of the land, nor keep people there against their will. They may not like the invasion of privacy, but at least this is a fair balance between religious freedom and the rule of law.”
  4. “Um, aren’t all religions technically cults with their indoctrination and rabid hatred of all non-believers?” queries popular atheist speaker Samuel Kardashian. “Just think about how much oppression and war are caused by these kooks and their invisible sky fairies! Better yet, think about how much scientific and social progress we can make without them getting in the way. Why not declare all religions to be cults and outlaw the lot of them? Random Chaos would be much better off.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, people are moving into treehouses in record numbers.

2020-05-26 21:00

Organic Outburst

After a recent left-wing broadsheet exposé of agricultural practices, an outburst of public paranoia has stirred up the organic foods debate.

  1. “I just can’t stomach it any more,” rants concerned parent Jill Cartman. “My children’s future is being put at risk by irresponsible corporate practices. We must outlaw the use of pesticides and additives by farmers and food producers.”
  2. “I’ve heard enough of this treehugging, lefty nonsense,” argues corporate spokesperson Ned Howell. “The agricultural industry needs to use the most advanced technology available, it’s the only way to keep Random Chaos competitive in food production. Besides, the studies we have commissioned prove that only a very small number of child deaths are due to our products, and surely that’s an acceptable rate in the name of progress?”
  3. “Stop torturing Mother Earth!” yells outraged environmental extremist Tabitha Peters. “Are we prepared to sacrifice our planet and our souls for the sake of a few extra chips? If we hope to live in harmony with the environment that nurtures and protects us, we must ban all industries that pollute our world. Let us return to the trees, my brothers!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, political parties are banned from advertising and receiving private donations.

2020-05-26 15:00

Corporations Demand Political Say

A well-heeled lobby group is pushing for the elimination of regulations that prevent corporations from donating money to political parties.

  1. “This is supposed to be a democratic country,” Beef-Based Agriculture industry spokesperson Vladimir Walker says. “Yet these archaic laws say I can’t donate money to support a political party. They put ceilings on the amount any party can spend on advertising. It’s time to stop treating voters like children, and trust them to make up their own minds. Free the ballot box!”
  2. “You say political freedom, I hear vote-buying,” says popular anarchist Bob Cumberbatch. “If these fat cats get their way, politicians will buy their own seat in Congress. And let’s face it, a slick advertising campaign can convince a lot of apathetic voters. We need to tighten the laws, not repeal them. Money should have no place in politics!”
  3. “Frankly, I don’t see why we need to have elections at all,” says your brother, Calvin, over a late-night malt whiskey. “You always seem to know what’s best. Why not scrap the whole political system? It would make things so much simpler.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the "swords to plowshares" policy has created a generation of farmers that can kill a yak from 200 yards away.

2020-05-26 09:00

The Bottom of the Gun Barrel

It’s harvest season and farms all over Random Chaos are starved of manpower. A sizeable proportion of able-bodied young adults have been conscripted into the army, leaving the agricultural sector unable to find enough temporary workers to pick fruit or work the fields.

  1. “We only have half a dozen employees to work four times that many acres,” moans Jenna McDuck, a citrus orchard manager, “and three of them don’t even know how to operate basic machinery. If you could exempt people who have experience working on farms from the draft, our sector will be saved. Remember, an army marches on its stomach, so supporting us will help the military as well.”
  2. “That’s not enough!” exclaims economist Montgomery Sparkle, marching into your office. “The military consumes resources but produces nothing. As you can see, it’s already causing detriment to productivity, and continuing to support it will eventually result in our entire economic infrastructure collapsing. I insist that you scrap conscription laws before our economy withers and dies!”
  3. “Insubordination!” yells General Broadside, waving a fist in the air in agitation. “How can you suggest that we leave our borders defenceless? There is another available source of manpower that has been overlooked - the disabled and elderly can be made to work. The agricultural sector can put to rest any accusations of ableism or ageism, and we get to maintain our army size.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia fell from "Eminence Grise" to "Enforcer".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, national chefs believe that you can eat anything so long as you deep fry it first.

2020-05-26 03:30

Fair to Say...?

At last year’s World Fair many said that Random Chaos’s exhibition pavilion was “okay, considering,” and “not bad, for a nation on a tight budget.” This year, national organizers want to make your expo presence bigger, better, and more impressive than ever before.

  1. “We need more shiny stuff! We need lasers, and twenty-foot-tall robots!” squeaks General Castiel Honda, hoverboarding excitedly round you in a wide circle. “Let’s show off our tech to the rest of the world! We need flying cars and… and… cybergamblers! Yes, a cybergambler, with a frickin’ laser beam on its head!”
  2. “My, how gauche!” sneers Martina Amis, an esteemed novelist. “Culture is the lifeblood of Random Chaos. We should create a gallery-slash-library to celebrate Random Chaos’s arts and literature abroad. Nothing less could represent our brilliance.”
  3. “Give the fair-goers what they want! FOOOOOOOOD!” yells Adam Richbloke, generously-proportioned foodie holding a generous portion of battered chicken chunks. “Visitors to the fair aren’t going to visit every tent: you know how many nations there are in the world now? But everyone has gotta eat! Chocolate donut lasagna, deep-fried pancake soups and orange truffle crabcakes with butter, pork and loads of sweet custard. Hmm, hmmm, hmmm, looks like everyone will be stopping by the Random Chaos pavillion!”
  4. “I smell economic opportunity,” says your Commerce Minister Indira Silk. “We should showcase what a great place for investors we are, emphasising our flexible taxation arrangements for valued corporate investors and our latest moves to stamp out the unions. We should literally get on our knees, and beg the biggest businesses to bring jobs and prosperity to Random Chaos.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, diplomats shake hands with their right and hide a poison dagger in their left.

2020-05-25 21:00

Crate Work, Plane and Simple

Officials from the tiny, allied nation of Prudenlund have requested that Random Chaos assist in a series of humanitarian aid airdrops to one of its distant territories. The target for the drops — a chain of sparsely-inhabited islands recently ravaged by storms — has been difficult for Prudenlundian authorities to reach, as their nation lacks sufficient transport assets.

  1. “We have everything ready to go, just nothing for all of it to go in,” moans the Prudenlundian Ambassador to Random Chaos. “The island chain is too distant for our smaller aircraft, and sea delivery will take too long. That’s why we’d appreciate it if our friends in Random Chaos could spare a few military transport aircraft, and carry out the drops for us. We only really need the planes, but if Random Chaos would like to provide additional supplies to drop, soap or unwanted clothes or something, that’d be great too.”
  2. “Look man, I’d be down with sendin’ a couple planes or somethin’, but y’all Prudenlund people obviously haven’t brought any gas money,” says a young, brutally frugal official from the finance ministry’s Fiscal Responsibility and Economic Excellence division. “And since y’all don’t have gas money, it’s gotta be a no on this whole airdrop thing. Ditto for all our other expensive and wasteful aid commitments elsewhere. Tell ya what though, I’ll drop a line to the World Assembly or somethin’, ask them to help out instead. Y’all got phone money?”
  3. “Isn’t that island chain famous for its coffee plantations?” muses your Minister for Agriculture. “You know, they’re actually direct competitors in coffee exports, and the low strength of their currency is giving them a disproportionate market share. I suggest we deliver the aid, but contaminate the crates with fungus spores, to subtly sabotage their coffee production. We’ll look like we’re helping while covertly establishing a competitive advantage.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Enforcer" to "Eminence Grise".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, children of nonreligious parents are often barred from school festival events.

2020-05-25 15:00

Prayer in Public Schools?

In order to save the souls of Random Chaos’s children from eternal damnation, it has been suggested that a daily prayer be made mandatory in schools nationwide.

  1. “Kids are such punks these days,” grumbles Father George W. Song, a local minister. “By making sure kids pray to their god at least once a day we instill the religious values that are integral to Random Chaos. It’ll make them better, humbler people.”
  2. “Hey now, if there’s going to be compulsory school prayer then there ought to be an opt-out system,” says Xu Bowman, a concerned parent. “I don’t want my boy to be a part of this collective worship nonsense.”
  3. “I agree that we shouldn’t force them to pray,” says Chuck Harkness, a teacher. “Such difficult concepts shouldn’t be thrust upon such impressionable minds. But instead of a praying session, these children should be taught about religion in an educative way. School’s supposed to be about learning, not brainwashing.”
  4. “That’s a lily-livered compromise,” says Ivanka O'Hara, chairperson of the Atheist Activist Association. “Religion should have no place in our schools. We should pass laws enforcing secularity on all educational establishments.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, garden stores are not allowed to sell water butts.

2020-05-25 09:00

What’s Got Into Random Chaos?

A newly-imported brand of coffee from Macronesia has a rather funny name: W’ Ank. The implications of this ‘lost in translation’ event have been causing quite a stir.

  1. “Here, you must taste W’ Ank before passing judgement,” insists the Macronesian ambassador, pouring coffee into your mouth, leaving you to either spit out or swallow. “This drink very popular in my country, the beans are pressed between the buttocks of exotic maidens! Maybe name is a bit funny here in Random Chaos, but this can be the learning moment for all. Instead of laughing, maybe be teaching Random Chaosians to learn about different cultures and be appreciating of our fine liquids. Now my friend, you want another W’ Ank? It’s the best!”
  2. “That name is intentionally rude,” proclaims Athena Johnson, leader of morality group Mothers Into Nice Gentle Etiquette. “We cannot allow such vulgarity to exist within Random Chaos. Can you imagine teenagers going to a coffee shop and asking for a… I shudder to think! You must force this distastefully-named product to be rebranded, and fine any organisation that puts offensive words in the public eye.”
  3. “Hey, check out this picture I’ve got here,” proclaims your niece, who’s been chuckling to herself the whole time. “My friend, who is in Smalltopia, sent me this picture after she saw this sign in the window of a laundromat there. It says ‘drop your pants here’! You should make a law that states all businesses must have funny mistakes in their advertising. The laughter therapy will make Random Chaos the happiest place in the world!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, lifelong celibates are surprised to receive government-issue condoms in the post.

2020-05-25 04:30

Womb Service

A recent article published in The Random Chaos City Times featured a Random Chaosian woman who’s had her second abortion in two years, with both procedures having been covered in full by the nation’s public healthcare system. The national debate that’s followed has become impossible to ignore.

  1. “I’ll be dammed if this doesn’t keep coming up every couple years,” sighs a representative from the Womb Tang Clan, a leading abortion advocacy group. “Sneaking around in bathroom stalls is for politicians, not for women seeking legitimate healthcare! We need to keep abortion safe and legally accessible to all women, especially the vulnerable women who are most likely to need more than one abortion and would be most impacted by any attempt to limit or defund abortions. Leader, we must mandate full healthcare provision of these vital, life-saving services and fund the distribution of free contraception to all women in Random Chaos.”
  2. “Well, I never!” gasps renowned socialite Ms. Effie Beauregard-Sessile, dropping what appears to be a pair of opera glasses. “Murdering babies is healthcare now? Whatever is this world coming to? If we’re going to make Random Chaos great again, we can’t be seen funneling tax money towards fetal genocide! We need to respect innocent, unborn Random Chaosian children by making abortion illegal under any circumstance and prosecuting these witches as the murderers they are.” She pulls out a folding fan and begins fanning herself with dainty flicks of her wrist.
  3. “I have no objection to little ladies getting an abortion,” chortles Sipho al-Zahawi, striding into the center of the room while tipping his Stetson to the previous two speakers. “But listen, Leader, my... erm, our tax chips shouldn’t be spent covering all these preventable health problems. If a negligent individual has any adverse health outcome — an unintended pregnancy, diabetes, heart disease, cancer — well, that’s their choice and their right! But it should also be their responsibility. The national health service should only pay if people did nothing that could have possibly brought on their illness.”
  4. “Let’s all agree that one accident can happen, right? But not learning something from that, having a second unintended pregnancy...” A cloaked figure from the back of the room steps into the light, a sneer spreading across his lips. “Well, that kind of woman cannot be trusted with the responsibility of self-management society granted her. If any woman should ever want a second abortion, the government should only fund it if she agrees to a simultaneous sterilization procedure.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's considered a civil right to be allowed to neglect and mistreat your own children.

2020-05-24 21:00

In Loco Parentis

When separated dad Moff Hall put his daughter Elsa on the train, he made sure her mum knew the correct time and platform at which the child was due to arrive. He also arranged for a babysitter to travel with the tot, given that she was only two years old. Controversially, the babysitter was his son, himself only seven years of age. A train conductor noted both children travelling alone, and intervened by calling the police and social services.

  1. “The only ****ing problem here is the ****ing train conductor ****ing interfering where he wasn’t ****ing wanted,” complains Stephanie True, the mother of the two children, as she thrusts a sippy-cup containing Eckie-Cola at her resisting daughter. “We’ve been doing it this way for two ****ing years, and never had any ****ing problems. How about the government, the police, social services and all you other nosy ****s keep out of how we choose to deal with OUR ****ing children?”
  2. “This is about child safety!” exclaims Zelda Clarke, the train conductor. “I mean, we actually have a reasonably priced service where we offer supervision to unattended children. What sort of lousy parent puts a seven-year-old in charge of a two-year-old? Frankly, if parents are too lazy to use the provisions, they shouldn’t be allowed to raise kids at all. You should invest in Child Protection Services, and extend their powers to take children into safe, governmental care when they’re being neglected by incompetent parents.”
  3. “If I might interject?” interrupts Ben, the seven-year-old boy at the centre of the saga, as he changes his sister’s nappy. “Clearly capability varies from child to child, but some of us are obviously more advanced than others. While I accept a priori that adults are responsible for safeguarding the wellbeing of children, I think there’s room for flexibility in the interpretation of adulthood. Posit: Can we institute a formal test, to be applied for at any age, that is legally required to prove capacity to act in loco parentis? I’ve been reading up on the legal ins-and-outs, and it seems like a straightforward enough possibility. I’d be happy to help you draft something.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, statue-sitting has replaced the stake-out as the dullest form of police duty.

2020-05-24 15:00

Monumental Melodrama

Angry Bigtopian protesters have called for the removal of a statue of Cyril James Carthage, a controversial historic imperialist and mining magnate from two centuries ago, who was once instrumental in perpetuating the Bigtopian slave trade.

  1. “Carthage must fall!” bellows Bigtopian protest leader Mohammed Putin, hurling a bucket of paint at the statue. “He was a racist profiteer who forced my ancestors off their land to work in his mines.” The paint overshoots and hits another protester as he continues. “Leaving up this monument glorifies the monster, and is an insult to all Bigtopians! A culturally sensitive government should have constant reviews of the message that their statues send, and remove monuments and other artworks that don’t fit modern sensibilities. Carthage must be destroyed!”
  2. “Preposterous!” blusters Gambling tycoon Cedric Jacob Carthage, who just so happens to be the slaver’s direct descendant and inheritor of generations of old money, gently placing a well-manicured hand on your shoulder for emphasis. “Removing my ancestor’s monument would be a massive blow to my public image... I mean, our national heritage. Keep these vandals away!”
  3. “There is a compromise here,” muses performance artist Rodent Fantastic, while jamming a boot onto the statue’s head, a tutu round its waist, and sparkly glitter glue on its face. “What if we leave the offending works in place, but allow protesters to deface them if they want to express dissent? What could go wrong?”
  4. “Carthage had it right, we ought to put them damned Bigtopians back in their place,” asserts a figure with a silly-looking white hood over his head, hefting a can of petrol and a toolbox. “You get the police to hang back; me and the boys will settle this.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, government ministers claim to ride dragons to work.

2020-05-24 09:00

Here Be Dragons?

The discovery of an ancient map that says “Here Be Dragons” at an archaeological dig close to Random Chaos City has generated a storm of public interest, and a disturbingly high percentage of the population has indicated on a survey that they actually believe dragons exist.

  1. “Do we really have to go through this again?” sighs Education Minister Sasha Yew, while reading through a woefully inaccurate high school history textbook. “The map was obviously just talking about lizards or something. Dragons aren’t real! If the people really are this credulous, then it’s just a sign that we need to give the education budget another boost. If you need the funding, you can take it from that religious ministry. It’s that superstitious mumbo-jumbo that has people believing in imaginary creatures anyway.”
  2. “It most certainly does not!” protests Religious Affairs Minister Anna Evans. “Do you really think our sacred books are full of seven-headed ten-crowned dragons? If you want to find someone to blame, the fault is clearly with those godless fantasy authors and television producers, filling our young people’s heads with rubbish and anti-religious propaganda. We must censor works like that hedonistic Play of Crowns series so they can’t corrupt our children!”
  3. “Okay, so dragons don’t exist... yet,” agrees Minister of Science and Technology Earl Magellan, while poking a strange-looking animal with a cattle prod. “Although with recent advances in biological splicing, who knows? If you allotted a little extra in the budget for science, and eased up on some of those research restrictions, we could start creating all sorts of creatures in our labs. Maybe we could even try a field test of Prototype #42?”
  4. “I’m not sure there’s anything actually wrong with the public believing dragons exist,” muses Minister of Whispers Kendra Singh, while feeding a flock of little birds. “If you ask me, they’ve been getting a little uppity lately. Remember that protest last week, simply because you wanted to erect your statue in Random Chaos City Square? Let’s start spreading rumours that you really do have dragons - a whole flight of them! They’ll think twice about speaking out over the new tax bill then! Fire and blood!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, female smokers cut their hair and don suits to get into male-only clubs.

2020-05-24 03:00

Smokers Cornered

Despite widespread public awareness about the dangers of smoking, the habit still continues among a sizeable portion of the population. Shady looking teenagers, stressed-out office workers, and chatterbox seniors can still be seen puffing away.

  1. “There’s no better way to end this filthy habit once and for all than by hitting smokers where it hurts: no, not their lungs, but their wallets!” reflects Tina Rikkard, your Minister for Health and Ruining Fun, whilst crunching on a celery stick. “Making ciggies punitively expensive with enforced minimum pricing will make most smokers think twice before they buy their next pack and will have them abandoning this habit before you can say ‘cough’!”
  2. “Um, if I may be so bold as to make a suggestion Leader,” enquires Carmen Zahm, your office cleaner, as she briefly stops polishing your photo frame. “Cigarettes are one of the few pleasures the poorer members of society have. I beg you to find it within your heart to make smokes as inexpensive as possible.”
  3. “By Jove, old sport, I have a smashing plan,” wheezes rotund blue-blood Charles Uppington-Noseworthy. “The government should prohibit cigarettes, while permitting only the more dignified forms of tobacco: cigars, pipes, and snuff - but please - avoid the hideous levies on them. Just think about it: chaps would finally be gentlemen again, and the air would be rich with scents of spice, cedar and carcinogens! As for the ladies - well, they should not partake in smoking; ‘tis not becoming of the fairer sex.”
  4. “This has to be the most disgusting habit ever,” opines ex-smoker Gerald Farnsworth, waving a heavily chewed pencil at you. “Cancer, lung disease, heart disease, financial costs. There is nothing good about smoking, nothing. I’m totally glad I quit and I so don’t follow smokers around to inhale their second-hand fumes. You need to ban all forms of tobacco now! Get that temptation away from me... I mean, for everyone’s health!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos has been recently classified as an international menace after 'liberating' several nearby territories.

2020-05-23 21:00

A Request for Military Aid

A small nameless nation within your sphere of influence has gone on a genocidal rampage within its own borders, ridding itself of what their Supreme Ruler For All Eternity, Emperor Howard Blair, refers to as ‘those filthy Bigtopians’. Some escaped refugees are requesting that your government do something to end the slaughter of millions.

  1. “They’re killing everyone!” gasps Barbara Haggard, one of the refugees. “I implore you to please intervene and stop this murder of my people! If Random Chaos has any compassion at all then it must help us! With these madmen out of power we can finally go about rebuilding our nation as a land of justice and freedom!”
  2. “Woah, woah, we can’t just go around being a knight in shining armour for every random hell-hole on this planet,” says Filipe Nimoy, your Minister of Foreign Relations. “Should we send citizens of Random Chaos into war just so we can save a bunch of foreigners? I don’t think so! Now, I’m no xenophobe, but I’ve gotta ask: what’s in it for us? Nothing but the death of our soldiers and criticism from the rest of the region, that’s what. Trouble is we’re getting too much of a reputation for having a big army. So drop some of our military funding and let them fight their own wars. It’s got nothing to do with us.”
  3. “Well, maybe this nation does have something we need, sir,” says Lauren Trudeau, your Military Advisor, while perusing a giant map of Random Chaos. “We’re fast running out of land and resources here, so why not invade this place, kick out whoever’s in power there, and take over? We’ve got the military power, so why wait? If any of those hippies in the region have somethin’ to say about it, they can say hello to our missile programmes, haha!”
  4. “They have as much right to their own internal politics as we do,” says activist and peacenik Rodrigo Clark. “While their actions may be deplorable by our standards, we can’t intervene unless the legitimate government requests it. It’s just an invitation to anarchy on an international scale, and nobody but a few crackpots want that.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, radio shows frequently feature people denouncing religion.

2020-05-23 15:00

Nobody Expects the Random Chaosian Inquisition!

Some key figures of Random Chaos’s major religious groups have requested government sponsorship for the institution of an inquisition to try heretics and blasphemers.

  1. Cardinal Mortimer Gratwick, Archbishop of Random Chaos City, demands you kiss his ring before telling you, “The Church encourages the formation of an Inquisition. However, it will only be to try those in error and put them on the right track to holiness; you needn’t worry about those nasty thumb-screws and we haven’t had a rack in ages, so we won’t be torturing people. Of course, in order to bring this noble plan into effect, the Holy Office must have jurisdiction over the civil courts.”
  2. “This is bloody outrageous!” screams Conan Nelson, head of the nation’s most important civil liberties movement, People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything, while jumping up and down in front of a television camera. “These damn ultra-conservatives will plunge us all into chaos! Random Chaos can never have an Inquisition! Everyone should have the right to think, say, believe, etc, whatever the damn they please. When was the last time you released a dove on a monthly basis? Huh? HUH?! That’s what I thought! It’s time to move beyond these primitive beliefs!”
  3. “The people of Random Chaos need more than an Inquisition,” pronounces Jessica Tolkien, known fundamentalist tele-preacher, who pauses hawking the complete DVD collection to make some demands. “We must persecute all those who do not live according to the Book! The Lord has told me that the time has arrived to bring back the good old days! Back when we didn’t have all these touchy-feely, fuzzy-headed punishments. Prison? Ha! Like that’s a punishment! Stick those heathens in the stocks, or even better: bring back stonings! It’ll bring us into a new golden age!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, open-casket funerals are avoided at all cost.

2020-05-23 09:00

We’re Dying for Your Business

A recent exposé of the death care industry revealed that funeral costs are leaving some families dead broke. The reason for the price increases is thought to be because while population growth continues to rise, funeral parlour growth has stopped cold, resulting in shocking cases of price gouging. Demand for last rites has become so high that families sometimes have to pawn all of the deceased’s possessions just to afford a simple burial.

  1. “Dying is not something we have a choice in,” weeps a sombre woman dressed all in black. “The tragic death of a loved one followed by an astronomical bill landing on our doorsteps can put families’ finances in a death spiral. I urge you, Leader, to scrap death charges altogether and provide state-funded funerals for everyone. That way families won’t have to mourn their bank accounts as well as their loved ones.”
  2. “Yes, and do you know why there’s a shortage of funeral services, hmmm?” quietly seethes funeral director Igor Fronkensteen, while dragging a lumpy burlap sack behind him. “Burial plot land costs...they are rising, yes? The price of insuring a hearse these days is, how do you say, absolutely ludicrous, yes? And the restrictive laws on ‘adequate refrigeration’ and ‘treating the dead with dignity’ all are running our margins and my salary down! You want more funeral services at a cheaper price, you should ease up on the bureaucracy, yes?”
  3. “Funeral services? What a waste of money,” scoffs obscure thinker Jean-Luc Humperdink, who has yet to sell any copies of his book Rich Dead, Poor Dead. “What’s the point in some drawn-out shebang for someone who’s not even going to be around to see it? Do away with funerals altogether. That way we can cremate everyone and harvest their bodies for phosphorus!”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, murder rates are on the rise as the popularity of soylent products grows.

2020-05-23 03:00

Cannibals Demand to Taste What Random Chaos Has to Offer

A coalition of tribalists, health experts, and civil rights proponents have recently suggested legalizing cannibalism for consumers of willing would-be meals.

  1. “I see absolutely no problem with people digging into each other at dinnertime, so long as everyone is willing,” Willie Rikkard, the editor of the monthly magazine ’To Serve Man’, quips, “Not only does it solve hunger problems and create jobs, but it also adds variety to Random Chaos’s sometimes dull palate.”
  2. Civil rights leader Carter Zaius, who came out publicly for moderate pro-cannibalism legislation, comments: “While it may strike some as a crude, even evil practice, our ancestors have practiced cannibalism for years. If we create a government organization to strictly regulate and grade all human meat prior to its arrival on the market, we can ensure that respect for diversity is maintained while health concerns are also allayed. And instead of killing average people, why not make being turned into snack foods a post-mortem option? Like donating your body to science!”
  3. “You’re all absolutely out of your minds!” exclaims Holly Fellow, head of Random Chaos’s largest health-food manufacturer. “It’s immoral, it’s unhealthy, and it’s disgusting. Not only are these so-called ‘dietary rights’ activists leading us down a dark path of sin, but right into a marketplace with yet another product that’s almost as bad as beef!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, military chiefs are predicting extra funding in this year's budget.

2020-05-22 21:30

Fishy Predictions

The Football Federation Global Cup tournament is in full swing and Random Chaosians everywhere have been delighted by the psychic abilities of Pepe the Porpoise, an “animal oracle” resident at Random Chaos City Zoo. This purported precognitive has — so far — perfectly predicted the winner in every tournament fixture. However, controversy arose yesterday when the animal tipped Random Chaos to lose against Skandilund in the quarter-final.

  1. “How dare that porpoise think that Random Chaos could possibly lose to a bunch of sauna-loving, herring-eating liberals who spend half the year in total sunlight and the other half in complete darkness?” fumes Lucas Zahm, your most patriotic advisor. “There’s only one thing to do with this conniving cetacean: send it to the nearest Dàguó restaurant and let’s all treat ourselves to some sushi tonight!”
  2. “Sushi is fish, and not even from Dàguó, you ignoramus!” points out your pedantic secretary, ironically confusing sushi and sashimi. “Look, there’s so many of these animal oracles about that at least one of them was bound to have lucked into the right answers; that doesn’t give them any future predictive value. We should just be treating this as harmless fun. Maybe you could run a competition to see which Random Chaosian pet has the strongest ‘psychic abilities’ and award a prize for that.”
  3. “Pepe has spoken, and we must not blame the messenger for the truths he brings,” declares General Farnsworth, your Chief of Staff. “Real psychics and psychic animals do exist, and we’d be fools not to utilise them to our military advantage. For example, we could put the flags of our adversaries in Pepe’s pool to see who is plotting against us, and then preemptively bomb them. Our enemies won’t understand how we can anticipate their every move!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosians incessantly needle their doctors for relief.

2020-05-22 15:00

You Can’t Handle the Tooth

A few days ago you needed triple root-canal surgery, and despite your codeine-enhanced prescription you’re still in agony. However, your dentist has refused to prescribe anything stronger! You’re now back for your check-up, wondering if it’s time to think about relaxing the regulations around the most powerful painkillers.

  1. Dr. Declan Rubio, your personal dental care professional, sits down on a stool next to you, and lowers the back of the chair to the horizontal. “Open, please? Good. I’m sorry Leader, but you know the drill. Easier access to narcotics will only lead to more widespread abuse. In reality, many pain ‘patients’ are just junkies looking for a fix. The primary purpose of medicine is to cure disease, not to enable addiction! Instead, consider adjusting healthcare policy to stress cognitive behavioral therapy, acupuncture, and other non-pharmacological interventions. Spit, please?”
  2. “Ummm**HUUURP**..uh, yuck,” says Dental Nurse Kanya Alvarez, who you know is also a spokesperson for Patients Against Interdicting Narcotics, while emptying a recently-soiled emesis dish into the medical waste sluice. “Yeah, that’s precisely the wrong thing to do. Insufficient treatment of pain is very common, especially among women, ethnic minorities, and the poor. The elderly are also at risk, since many wrongly think that pain is just a ‘normal’ part of aging. The most severe cases can even drive people to suicide! Medicine should focus on quality of life, not just curing disease. Do the right thing, and ease restrictions on powerful painkillers now!”
  3. While you’re still supine, a strange pale-skinned man shines the dentist’s lamp directly into your eyes and begins loading a large metal syringe from an unmarked vial. “I have your solution right here, dear leader. Why not add these powerful painkillers to the water supply, under the banner of a new healthcare initiative aimed at relieving stress and improving quality of life? Then you can use mass addiction to control the population! A particular district doesn’t like your new absolutist platform? Just reduce their ‘pain relief’ until they do! Imagine the whole populace desperately begging you for another hit!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, weapons produced by newly nationalized armaments factories have been found to contain sawdust instead of gunpowder.

2020-05-22 09:00

Support Your Local Arms Manufacturer

After the Conglomerated Random Chaosian Arms Syndicate announced yet another setback in the development of a promised new fighter jet, the Hell-Gambler 3000, the Ministry of Defense is considering the previously unthinkable: importing from overseas.

  1. “You can’t! If you cancel the order, we’ll go out of business, putting Random Chaosian workers out of a job,” pleads Conglomerated Random Chaosian Arms Syndicate liaison, Isabelle Janeway. “We couldn’t have reasonably anticipated the problems refitting the cockpit to make it windproof. We’ll have the jet finished soon; I swear. In the meantime, maybe a generous contribution to your PR campaign would help convince you?”
  2. Commodore Miles Preisner, Navy Chief of Procurement, is sick of the delays and cost overruns in the Hell-Gambler 3000 project. “We were promised this plane three years ago, at half the price. This is getting ridiculous. It’s time we found a supplier who can actually deliver on what they promised - even if that means importing from one of our overseas rivals.”
  3. “Why stop at fighter jets?” argues Colonel Stanislawa Wiggum, who has recently returned from an officer exchange program with suitcases brimming with gadgetry. “We should be inviting all the foreign arms firms to come and bid to completely replace all the rusting junk our Armed Forces currently has to put up with. Just imagine our brave soldiers fighting with cutting-edge jet packs, thermal detonators, and knockout gas! Some would call importing supplies un-Random Chaosian; I call it progress.”
  4. “Do you realize how many jobs that would cost, you blithering idiot?” foams union organizer Barbara Dredd, diplomatic as ever. “Our arms industry employs people in every one of your marginal electoral districts, so you’d better listen to us... and if the fat cat bosses aren’t running things well, then maybe it’s time we re-nationalized! Under government control the factories will be churning out guns and ammo at twice the rate! And twice the price...”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Dealmaker" to "Enforcer".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, piracy is the nation's most popular pastime.

2020-05-22 03:00

Jolly Roger Sighted Off the Port Bow!

The merchant navy of Random Chaos has seen increasing attacks from swashbuckling pirates in recent months, devastating the nation’s foreign trade.

  1. “We should blow them out of the water!” says First Lord Admiral Mia Yeats. “These waterlogged vagabonds have been plundering our ships for far too long! All our exports from the Gambling industry are going straight into their hands! It’s downright dangerous for us to let this continue! All we require is some funding for coastal patrol boats, fleet carriers, and nuclear submarines and a free hand to show these freebooters what’s what.”
  2. “Hello,” says a grog-swilling, peg-legged scurvy dog entering your office. “I’m Thomas Ephron, a mighty pirate. I’d like to suggest that instead of wasting all that money on attacking pirates you simply buy them off with barrels of bullion, jewels and Maxtopian gold! There’ll still be pirates around, sure, but as long as everyone’s paid off, they won’t hinder your trade. Not much anyway.”
  3. “That’s the second biggest load of bilge I’ve ever seen!” says Captain Grapnel, CFO of Hispaniola Shipping Insurance, LLC. “Shiver me timbers, if these scurvy dogs don’t be cutting into me profit margin! Me comprehensive coverage has to pay out for victims o’ illegality, and of course theft be illegal in this country, bu’ that be giving me an idea - what if we were to have privateers? That is to say, if ye were to make piracy legal but with a quota o’ sorts, like huntin’? That way me and mine can stay in business and ye can get a fine cut o’ th’ booty from licence fees! Savvy?”
  4. “Come now, that’s hardly fair,” argues ‘gentleman pirate’ Taupebeard de Gauche with a bow and flourish. “There is an ancient tradition of actively redistributing wealth on the high seas, and we active redistributors serve an important role in the global economy. You would not keep a family-run bookstore from handing down its business from generation to generation, would you? We simply ask, nay, demand the same right! And get rid of the word ‘pirate’. It’s a slur. We are corsairs - not common sea-faring thugs.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's rare to find an unchewed pencil.

2020-05-21 21:00

A Sticky Situation

While lounging on a curiously sticky bench in Random Chaos City, you begin to notice that almost every passer-by seems to be mysteriously stuck to the pavement. Upon closer inspection, you realise that the ground is covered in chewing gum, which has in turn caused the unfortunate - and admittedly amusing - predicament that the pedestrians have now found themselves in. You are soon approached by a colorful mob of people, the majority of which are barely able to lift their own legs.

  1. “Every time I go on a run, I always find at least one piece of gum on my shoe!” screeches Marjorie Flanders, whilst furiously picking herself up off the ground. “I always end up stepping in the stuff, and it’s always a pain to get off. Gum is a health hazard, and it should be banned before anyone else finds themselves chewing the pavement! If somebody has a problem with that, then they can just find something else to gnaw on.”
  2. “Don’t listen to that gum-hating buffoon,” exclaims the CEO of Suborbit Gum, Minté Breff, while chewing loudly. “Banning gum will cause a tremendous uproar of unnecessary proportions! Gum can help people study and concentrate, all whilst they taste our selection of great flavours; something that the government would surely support and even subsidise! You can have my gum when you pry it out of my cold, dead mouth.”
  3. “Why not look for a different solution?” asks Silvio McAlpin, as he helps his son clean gum from his shoes. “How about we place more trashcans? Place a few here and there, fine anyone that doesn’t put their gum into them, and I guarantee that this problem will go away. All of this gum will give these trashcans a fresh and much more bearable smell!” He abruptly turns towards his son, who has now wandered away. “Stop smelling the bins!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, there are no minimum wage laws.

2020-05-21 15:00

Auto Industry Struggles Against Foreign Imports

Cheap, foreign-made cars are becoming increasingly popular, causing concern in Random Chaos’s automobile manufacturing industry.

  1. “Unless this government does something, Random Chaos won’t have an auto industry for much longer,” says auto industry union boss Colin Bannon, in a rare public appearance alongside management. “These foreign companies employ people for a few chips a day. The only way to level the playing field is to raise tariffs. The government would make more money, too, so it’s win-win.”
  2. “For once, I agree with my grubby colleague here,” says General Chassis CEO Jazz Goff. “Although I have to say, tariffs aren’t the only answer. A more effective solution would be to abolish minimum wage laws. Now that would level the playing field. And we’d be able to employ more—argh, let go of my throat!”
  3. “I think we need to face facts,” says noted economist and chat-show regular Mohammed Montgomery. “We live in a global economy now, and automobile manufacturing just isn’t Random Chaos’s strong suit. There’s no point taking money from taxpayers in order to line the pockets of a few greedy workers and corrupt managers in a doomed industry. Let the market take its—argh, let go of my throat!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the wearing and manufacture of fur apparel is banned.

2020-05-21 09:00

Hackles Raised Over Fur Clothes Debate

Several animal rights groups have protested the continuing use of fur as a material for clothing.

  1. “This is an outrage!” cries Ivanka Räikkönen, president of the Be Nice To Animals society. “The manufacture of fur apparel is unethical, cruel, and disgusting! People just don’t seem to realise that millions of animals die each year in fur farms, crammed into tiny cages and suffering the most terrible treatment just so someone can look appealing and rich! This is a sick practice and must be stopped! The same can go for leather shoes and snakeskin belts too.”
  2. “You can’t mean that, surely?” snorts Milhouse Wright, adjusting a hat made from real gambler hide. “It’s the people’s choice what they wear. I don’t think it’s fair that the majority of the public should be deprived of fur clothes because some people are a bit queasy. In fact, if the government would allow us to stock rarer animals, we could produce even finer products. In the end, it’s up to the individual, don’t you think?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, an increasing number of citizens believe the world is flat.

2020-05-21 03:00

Rocky Road

Nearly two dozen sightseers were injured yesterday in a rockfall. Their tour bus, which had been travelling through a scenic mountainous region in northern Random Chaos, was struck by a large boulder as it tumbled down a steep slope. The accident has resulted in calls to protect roadways in areas prone to rockfalls.

  1. “I just wanted to see the sights. Instead I got slammed by clastic sedimentary rocks!” exclaims rockfall survivor and geologist Harry Räikkönen, cuts and bruises visible on his extremities. “After the accident, the first thing I did was get down on my hands and knees and thank my lucky stars. The next thing I did was wonder how Random Chaos could even allow something like this to occur! Motorists shouldn’t have to worry about conglomerates crashing into them! Protective roadside barriers and fences should be erected in areas where rockfalls are common.”
  2. “It was a tragedy, for sure, yet another example why safety should never be taken for granite,” states environmentalist Matilda Woolf. “Constructing roadside barriers and fences just isn’t worth it, and not only because they’d break the bank. In doing their duty, they’d also mar some of the most beautiful roadside views in Random Chaos and disrupt local wildlife. Of course, people’s safety is important, so posting warning signs along the roadside is an appropriate measure to take. If a driver can’t spot a huge boulder coming at them, then maybe they shouldn’t be allowed on the roads in the first place.”
  3. “They say it takes millions of years for mountainous regions to form,” explains Steffan Edwards, CEO of one of the largest mining companies in Random Chaos. “If you allow us to perform mountaintop removal mining, rockfalls and the ugly, eroding mountains and cliffs responsible for causing them will be a thing of the past. Drivers will have peace of mind, certain that they will reach their destination in one piece. All the while, the economy will benefit from the minerals extracted from the excavation sites! I mean, talk about killing two birds with one stone!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, teddy bears and pajamas have replaced briefcases and suits in Random Chaos's offices.

2020-05-20 21:00

Sit-Down Money

With traffic congestion on the roads of Random Chaos City reaching unbearable density, labour unions are demanding that employees be paid overtime wages for time spent in traffic jams.

  1. “Have mercy on us, Leader!” yells Dorothy Lobachevsky, honking her car horn right under your window. “I’ve been stuck in this damned traffic jam for so long I’ve forgotten what my children look like! It is inhumane to spend four hours every day just trying to commute to work and back home! I deserve to be paid overtime wages to compensate for the stress I endure!”
  2. “What is this noise?” asks your secretary Jacob Karoshi, crawling out from under his desk, still wrapped in his blanket. “Tell these softies that nobody is forcing them to drive back home after work. People whose homes are far away from work should be encouraged to sleep over at their offices and only go home once a week or so. This would also help boost their company loyalty. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a quick shower. The garden sprinklers are on, right?”
  3. “I’m not sure why it’s government business what our corporate pay structures are,” observes well-rested CEO Naomi Barnes, whose commute involved a 15-minute private helicopter trip. “The labour unions always have one demand or another, but we can deal with these problems with hardball negotiation, judicious hiring and firing, and failing all else, water cannon. How about government stays out of it, and lets us resolve these pay disputes our own way?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is notorious for leaving citizens with almost nothing from their inheritance.

2020-05-20 15:00

Where There’s a Will There’s a Tax

After the vast fortunes of a recently deceased oil tycoon in Random Chaos were left to a small cactus plant, citizens nationwide have been asking the same question: should the inheritance tax laws be changed?

  1. “Every time I see a stupid rich kid having an easy ride of life with money they did nothing to deserve, I go into a jealous rage and start punching walls,” says economically disadvantaged individual Katniss Wang. “Abolish inheritance entirely! If the government takes the inheritance then we can spend all that cash on things that make ordinary people’s lives better, like education, social welfare, and attack helicopters.”
  2. “This is a disgusting breach of my human rights,” says Oswald Dahl, heir to an international widget empire. “Just think of all the poor families who have spent their lives scrimping and saving with the dream of passing on a modest luxury yacht to ensure the security of their children’s children. All that sacrifice, all that toil, all those long nights working their fingers to the bone setting up offshore accounts - it brings a tear to my eye. Inheritance tax has got to go!”
  3. “Surely we can arrange some sort of compromise here,” says comfortable knitwear fan Venus Kringle. “Yes, it’s true that some people exploit the system - but a lot of people rely on inheritance for their basic support! Why don’t we just set a sensible ceiling on how much you can inherit? That way you get to keep the family farm, but not the five mansions and the oil refinery.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the institution of marriage is held sacred and strictly enforced.

2020-05-20 09:00

One Wife Is Never Enough, Say Polygamists

A small religious group is lobbying the government to allow them to take multiple wives.

  1. “It’s about time we had our religious rights recognized,” says Steve Kennedy, a devout member of a faith that is never made quite clear. “Who is the government to tell me I can’t love more than one woman? The government doesn’t know how much of me there is to go around!”
  2. “This is nothing more than sexual deviants using religion as a pretext for perversion!” says Reverend Vera Rhodes. “Marriage is one man, one woman, and death do we part. What’s so hard to get? Anything else is a perversion, and must be banned.”
  3. “Multiple wives? Excellent!” says passer-by Chastity Yeats. “Presumably we will allow multiple husbands, as well. And gay marriages, of course. In fact, now is probably the time for the government to butt out of marriage altogether. Let people marry their cats, if they want.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, extreme hiring regulations mean a job in Random Chaos is often a lifetime appointment.

2020-05-20 03:30

Jobless Fair

After a much-touted job fair in Random Chaos City resulted in only two hires, the discouraged and desperate unemployed are calling for the government to step in and make job fairs more effective.

  1. “This can’t go on!” wails one forlorn job-seeker, wearing a t-shirt with her entire resume printed on it. “I’ve been to twenty-three job fairs and I haven’t gotten a single interview! There’s too much hiring through back-channel networks, like being hired just for happening to be the CEO’s cousin. Companies should be placed under a mandate to blind hire only through career fairs, with government oversight to ensure that only the most qualified applicants are being hired.”
  2. “Yeah, regulations always help businesses grow,” says Agnieszka Drake, CEO of Widgets Inc, her voice ripe with sarcasm. “If you want businesses to hire more people at job fairs, the government needs to relax regulations surrounding hiring and firing employees. And how about a few thousand chips tax break for each job applicant companies hire at the fairs? I promise, it’ll jump start the economy and pay for itself.”
  3. “The problem is there’s no one in Random Chaos who is actually qualified to fill the jobs I need,” sighs Anita Jobs, CEO of the major tech company Pear. “Can you please make it easier for us to hire high-skilled labor from outside the country? Once tech companies like Pear reboot the economy, I’m sure these hapless job fair attendees will be able to get jobs at McRonald’s or something.”
  4. “It is obvious relying on the private sector to create jobs has failed!” wails your top Employment Minister, who also happens to be your cousin. “A well-planned state economy would fix all of this. Just think of the efficiency of it, we could simply assign people jobs, and imagine the comfort Random Chaosians would have if they knew they were assured a job before they even finished school? We could even tailor people’s education to improve their productivity at their future careers!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, citizens are tied down and forced to watch educational videos on empathy.

2020-05-19 21:00

Empathy a Rare Commodity?

Last week, a jaywalking man was hit by a truck in a busy intersection. He lay there for seventeen hours before a policeman tripped over him and brought him to jail for loitering.

  1. “This is despicable!” yelps one lone protester, desperately trying to get others involved. “How low have we sunk that we care so little for our fellow man? The answer is as plain as the nose on your face. You must create an Empathy Awareness Squad. They would train people on how to be kind to and empathize with one another. Sure, it’ll require some extra taxes, but can you really put a price on kindness? I mean, what if YOU get hit by a truck next time?”
  2. “Good riddance!” scoffs Hamlet Swift, a sullen, disgruntled postal worker. “I think we should give the policeman who arrested that freeloader a medal! Mandatory empathy programs? Ha! No amount of touchy-feely ‘training’ is gonna make me empathize with these idiots. This is just nature’s way of weeding out the weak and infirm. In fact, we should cut back what social spoon-feeding programs we’ve got left. Give your good and decent citizens a tax break.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation's best artists are considered pretty easy to beat.

2020-05-19 15:00

A Patronising Statement

The unveiling of a painting of Duke Erica Powell’s daughter resulted in quite a commotion at court yesterday evening, when palace guards had to break up a scuffle between the Duke and the artist commissioned to paint the piece. Now that the persons in question have had a night to simmer down in the castle dungeon, you have requested their presence to better explain themselves.

  1. “I have patronised this worthless wastrel for six years! Six years and he produces this!” bellows the Duke, brandishing his fists at the cowering artist. “This was to be a present for my dearest daughter, and this sot - deep in his cups I’d wager - vomits up this abomination that resembles nothing other than Beelzebub’s rear end! I demand repayment of his patronage and if not, I must be allowed the right to beat it out of the wretch’s hide!”
  2. “I... I am sorry but I cannot return the Duke’s coin,” tremors Judas de Dovey, wringing together his hands, which are stained with what is presumably red paint. “It has been spent in the execution of the painting, on the finest pigments from Dàguó and the finest wench- er- models for the piece. Besides, the good duke scarcely helped. Throughout the painting he was always questioning me when it would be complete, or if I should not include this or that within it. I am an artist! I must follow my muse! You cannot hold us artists at fault if the viewer doesn’t find the painting to their liking, can you?”
  3. “You say art, we say impious images,” intones hierophant Wolfgang Levi, nearly concussing a guard with a swing of his thurible. “This trend for painted depictions of Divine Creation is sheer blasphemy, and worse still are the nobles who fritter their wealth away on worldly images instead of entrusting their coin to the Holy Temple! Condemn these unholy works to the flame, lest we encourage the very worst acts of debauchery and fornication within our very nation!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, former pharmaceutical company owners have lost their healthy incomes.

2020-05-19 09:00

Drug Up the Prices

Bletchley Pharmaceuticals recently hiked up the price of Garatim, a once-affordable branded drug used to treat neurodegenerative conditions, to over twenty times its original cost. Sick patients have accused Bletchley of greedy practices, and citizens have begun to take to the streets, calling on the government to intervene.

  1. “Why is Big Pharma doing this?” shouts Ingmar Silk, opting to simply throw a megaphone at your secretary rather than speak through it. “I have taken this medicine for decades, but some selfish pharmaceutical firm wants to deny me the care that I desperately need! Am I supposed to spend all of my life savings just so that I can survive? Enough of it! We need the government to oversee all drug prices to keep things fair for everyone.”
  2. “This is much bigger than a handful of sick people!” rants Francisco Bennett, majority shareholder of Chant Healthcare, almost spilling the vast contents of his wallet onto the ground in his anger. “This is about the free market, and how it drives innovation. Of course we make money off these drugs, but these profits are what give companies the incentive to develop these drugs in the first place! Take away that, and who would ever want to push the boundaries of pharmacological science again? The government should have no hand in this market, for the sake of our nation’s health.”
  3. “The problem isn’t price gouging, it’s our healthcare system!” protests Tyrion Grossweiner, a prominent socialist thinker, scowling at the furious businessman. “Solving this problem only eliminates a symptom, not the disease itself. Our healthcare system lets greedy pharmaceutical companies exploit society’s disadvantaged. We must seize control of the means of drug production and outright ban private institutions from developing medications.”
  4. “It’s all an elaborate plan!” exclaims Marty Stebeckli, the CEO of Bletchley Pharmaceuticals, revealing a sheet of paper covered in indecipherable text. “You’re going to have to trust me here. Raising the price of Garatim was intended to put pressure on private health insurance companies, by forcing them to spend massive amounts for the drug. We’re even giving it out for free to people that actually need it! Leader, our intentions were pure. Perhaps the government should encourage this behaviour by handing all drug production over to my company?”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Conservative.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the nation is experiencing a severe shortage of sporting events.

2020-05-19 03:00

Baseball League Steps Up to the Plate

The Batter Up! Baseball League has begun to grow in popularity and is now seeking government support in establishing teams and stadiums throughout the nation.

  1. “Holy cow, is this gonna be great!” hollers BUBL President and sports nut Aldo Medina, waving a fashionable giant foam finger. “Baseball is just what Random Chaos needs right now! Think about it: soda, popcorn, hot dogs... oh, and I’m sure the economy will benefit somehow, too! All we need is the government funding to build stadiums and teams, and we’ll be on every TV and in every city in the country!”
  2. “You’re going to spend the taxpayer’s money on WHAT?” counters Minister of Finance Efthamia Stephenson, from a newly furnished office. “I mean, I love playing a good game of baseball every now and then, but does the government really need to go around supporting this? The only people that are going to benefit are a bunch of fat-cat burger vendors and bored hicks with nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon! We need to stop spending so much money on these ridiculous games and get back to what’s really important: running the business of the country.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, elementary school students are required to master Bach's Chaconne in D before graduation.

2020-05-18 21:00

A-Major Debate

One of your advisers was caught referring to music education as “non-essential curriculum”. His comment has struck a chord, resulting in a chorus of suggestions for music education reform.

  1. “The notion that music programs are anything less than vital is nothing but treble- I mean trouble!” declares world-famous composer and local middle school orchestra director, Cleveland Holland. “This dissonant discourse not only puts the jobs of hard-working Random Chaosians at risk, but it also threatens the musical futures of our children! The school curriculum must include an emphasis on musical knowledge that all students will be required to participate in. Sure, strings do come attached — it won’t be cheap to buy musical instruments for every boy and girl in Random Chaos — but Random Chaosian musical tradition is on the line here!”
  2. “Now that’s just nonsense!” barks local high school basketball coach Jadzia Ward. “Students learn far more from any sport than they do from playing little magic flutes. Youth are only properly taught discipline, determination, and decision-making skills from the challenges of playing on a team. As far as I’m concerned we should just save ourselves some money and cut music ed from the curriculum. After all, band geeks’ only purpose is to put people on the sidelines to cheer us on.”
  3. “That misses the point entirely,” yells famed Drill Sergeant Hardman, while jogging by with a platoon of soldiers belting out military cadences behind him. “The only reason why schools exist is to make loyal, productive citizens out of Random Chaosian children. In this regard, music education has been taught entirely in the wrong key. The curriculum should be revised with the goal of accentuating patriotic values in mind! Students should be required to learn and sing the nation’s praises, including our national anthem!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Instigator" to "Dealmaker".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, preschoolers practice disarming active shooters before naptime.

2020-05-18 15:00

Gunman Kills Three

Tragedy struck Random Chaos today, as a gunman killed three people in a suburban shooting rampage. The community is united in grief, but divided in opinion as to what should be done.

  1. The strongest voices demand tighter gun controls. “The only way to prevent further atrocities is to take the guns out of the hands of the murderers,” says anti-gun campaigner Miranda Croft. “There’s no justification for them in today’s society. We need tighter regulations on who can hold guns, so only our police and military have them.”
  2. “That’s not all we need,” says radical left-wing activist Tyrion Kim. “The government should ban all guns outright—even in the police force. This is an opportunity to make Random Chaos a totally gun-free state.”
  3. “Ban this. Ban that. You cannot ban your way to an answer,” intones Spruce Tree, a local martial artist and founder of Ay Kik Yu. “Our citizenry and our children must learn to properly defend themselves in this sort of situation if it should arise again. A mindful populace is a safe populace.”
  4. “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people,” says Random Chaos Handgun Association head honcho Billy Rivera. “If you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Is that what we want? Think, people. The answer isn’t kung-fu and it definitely isn’t banning guns. What you need to do is encourage us law-abiding folk to always carry a gun. Shoot first, ask questions later. That’s what I always say.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, burning members of the Order of Violet is the nation's favorite pastime.

2020-05-18 09:00

A Violet Trojan Horse

Rumors tell that the Order of Violet has infiltrated schools in Random Chaos to brainwash the youngest generations. Fears of Violetist takeover have prompted all other faiths to unite for the first time ever.

  1. “Preposterous!” dismisses Joseph Navratilova, the head of the Random Chaos City District School Board, while hiding an Order of Violet signet ring. “Our schools are performing well, and the children are merely learning to understand different points of view. The only hatred I see is from the hypocrites and paranoid kooks who have no problems forcing their values on our innocent children.”
  2. “Terrorists! Terrorists everywhere!” shouts Oprah Thompson, a controversial and xenophobic politician, who inevitably tries to win every debate by claiming all opposing views equate to supporting terrorism. “Screen all teachers, headmasters, and aides for possible Violetist ties. Force the schools to adopt an unapologetic pro-Random Chaosian curriculum. We all know these Violetists hate everything Random Chaos stands for! Anyone who disagrees is a terrorist-sympathizing, Violetist-loving traitor!”
  3. “That doesn’t go far enough,” claims the leader of The Tranquility of Yellow, an ancient religion that has a just-as-ancient feud with Violetism. “These heretics have been a danger ever since the Grand Schism, and they must be dealt with accordingly. I suggest we start up an inquisition. My people will find these Violetists, and see if they can be converted to our true religion or renounce their faith. Whichever one the government prefers. We’re not picky. If not... the stake. BURN THEM ALL! Or hang them. Just get rid of those creepy Violetists, okay?”
  4. “What are we? Barbarians?” queries popular agnostic speaker Winston Cheyney, whose personal motto is ‘Question Everything’. “I don’t see anything wrong with teaching Violetism. Not every Violetist is some crazed wacko, you know. However, schools should teach all different faiths, including non-belief, in a neutral and understanding way in the interest of fairness. If we want to eliminate hatred, the schools are a good place to start.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, prime real estate is devoted to wind farms and solar energy generators.

2020-05-18 03:00

Power Problems Need Bright Solution

The oldest power station in Random Chaos suffered a catastrophic failure last night, plunging a third of the power supply grid of Random Chaos City into darkness. There is no debate that it needs to be replaced, but the question is with what?

  1. “The solution is clear,” says environmental activist Bill McGuffin. “Wind turbines and solar power stations are the cleanest there are. We must switch power production to forms of renewable energy, which will never run out. The only minor problems are that wind farms will take up a great deal of space and of course we can’t exactly rely on the weather. It isn’t as though we control it. But think of how much healthier people will be without all that pollution!”
  2. “Wind power? Solar collectors? Bah! Have you ever wondered when the least amount of strain is placed on the national grid? WHEN THE SUN IS SHINING!” exclaims Southern Random Chaos Electra official Gillian Stallone. “We need power under our control, and cheaply. Coal has been the cheapest and most abundant power source for ages. We don’t need this airy fairy wind malarky when we have cheap and reliable power available for all. True, pollution will be a bit on the heavy side but I’m sure that’s only a minor problem, with how well funded our health system is!”
  3. “Now the way I see it is that it’s either green, expensive, and sprawling; or compact, polluting and cheap. Wouldn’t it be nice if we had the best of both worlds? Well, we can!” claims fission technician Lee Brooks. “Nuclear power is reliable, clean, and although it isn’t cheap, it won’t break the bank. There is a risk of deadly meltdown, but this is relatively small, and the only people who could be against this are anti-nuclear protesters, but what do we care about those tree-hugging hippies?”

random_chaos was reclassified from "Iron Fist Consumerists" to "Moralistic Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government is cutting back on the number of political prisoners executed each year.

2020-05-17 21:00

People Request Not So Much Dictatorship, if That’s All Right

While effusively praising Random Chaos’s leadership and bowing repeatedly, a delegation has humbly requested that the government take a more “modernistic” view in the future.

  1. The High Minister for Finance, who also happens to be your brother, dismisses the claim. “What these people fail to realize is that you know what’s best for them. The alternative is anarchy! I say stick to your course. And execute these wackos for treason.”
  2. “Perhaps the people could be given some more political freedoms,” muses your Chief of Staff, who is your sister. “Is there really such harm in allowing public discussion of ideas? We could even have a real Opposition Party. One that isn’t just full of your puppets, I mean.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, schools have extensive counseling programs for troubled students.

2020-05-17 15:00

Oh, the Angst!

In response to rising rates of depression related suicides, mental health groups have called for government funding to help support treatment programs, citing various surveys that indicate psychological disorders are often an overlooked problem.

  1. “Although it is often dismissed as an irrelevant complaint, depression is a real disease; it isn’t just ‘all in your head’,” says Frank Uhura, depression sufferer. “Depression has significant effects on groups and individuals, especially amongst teenagers. Every day, more and more people commit suicide because of this disease, but this could all be stopped if this country had informative public awareness programs. Even better would be providing mandatory counselling in free, government-run facilities for those who seem down-and-out. This will save lives!”
  2. “Screw them,” Liara Clinton, talkback radio host, stated yesterday. “Depression isn’t a disease, it’s just another example of today’s youth finding something to complain about. Life’s never been better. In fact, just yesterday, I bought my fourth yacht. And even if it is as serious as the bleeding hearts claim, then I say we leave it and cut some of the funding being wasted on these head cases. If a few whiners jump off a bridge, it’ll be good for the gene pool. Natural selection, my friends. It’s a great thing.”
  3. “Actually, a lot of depression cases in teens are related to school and all the stress and pressure young people are under to succeed. A greater effort to correct the problem of depression should start there, with more funding so that schools can provide better counseling programs,” comments Dr. Ryan Jordan, author of the book Tomato Soup for the Soul. “That way teens who are depressed can get help even if their parents can’t or won’t take them to see a psychiatrist.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, smoking is banned in public areas.

2020-05-17 09:00

Don’t Puff on Me, Say Non-Smokers

There is a growing call within Random Chaos to abolish smoking in public areas.

  1. “I’m in full support of this motion,” says man on the street Ben English. “I’m sick of being stuck behind smokers, sucking in their pollution! They can light up in the privacy of their own homes, if they want.”
  2. “What’s so special about their homes?” says anti-smoking campaigner Ivan Márquez. “The government has a responsibility to stop people from hurting themselves — it’s the same reason we should make them wear seat belts in cars. Sooner or later, they end up in one of Random Chaos’s hospitals, sucking on taxpayer-funded healthcare. Not that that’s why we should ban smoking. We should ban it because we care.”
  3. “Get your hands off my fag!” wheezes long-time smoker Molly Silva. “I’ve been smoking for fifty years and it’s never done me any harm. Helps me concentrate, it does! The government should back off on trying to tell me what I can put into my own body. Telling a smoker he can’t light up in a restaurant is discrimination, pure and simple. If you want to put a stop to unfairness, stop that.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Most Ignorant Citizens.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, solving crossword puzzles requires fluency in at least five languages.

2020-05-17 03:30

Crosswords Beget Angry Letters

A major national newspaper is taking heat after one of its crossword puzzles contained the answer ‘BIGWIGS’, which is considered a racial slur by Bigtopians. This is not the first time the paper has come under fire for its puzzling word choices, and concerned citizens are squaring off outside your door in hopes of filling in the blanks for you.

  1. “Get a clue, Leader!” shouts Khethelo McDuck, president of the Random Chaosian Civil Liberties Alliance, as he snaps one of your pencils in half. “It is well known throughout The Hatrackia that the B-word is a degrading term referring to members of our nation’s Bigtopian community. There is only one solution: demand that the paper fire those who permitted this puzzle to go to print. That should send a warning to everyone that such disrespect and callousness will never be tolerated!”
  2. “What’s a five-letter word that means ‘iciness’?” inquires Bill Pantz, crossword editor for the newspaper in question, glancing up from a recent puzzle submission he is proofreading. “Oh, that’s right, ‘CHILL!’ Look, the word ‘bigwigs’ simply refers to elitist fat cats, as was clued in the puzzle. On rare occasions, perfectly legitimate words that have sometimes been used as slurs like ‘porp’, ‘beepus’, or ‘jonky’, are fair use in a puzzle. Apologies to anyone who was offended, but that’s where the matter ends. That’s as black-and-white as it gets.”
  3. “Solving this puzzle requires us to think outside the box,” interjects Prudence Spirit, chairperson of the Committee on Appropriate Language in Media. “This problem indicates a lack of varied perspectives within the corporate and media worlds. We should look to promote greater diversity in the workplace, which means instituting government-mandated sensitivity training, financial incentives for companies who hire from certain target groups, and increased funding for programs that seek the advancement of underrepresented communities. It will be expensive, but can we really put a price on inclusivity?”
  4. “This wouldn’t even be a problem if we nationalized the media!” exclaims Manny Festaux, your Minister of Orwellian Orthodoxy. “Imagine how much easier it would be to pick and choose the content that was published in the dailies. Not only that, but you won’t have to worry anymore about negative publicity directed at you! Now, shall we replace these pesky crosswords with word searches or sudokus?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, standing on one leg in public is a criminal offence.

2020-05-16 21:00

Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting!

A report in today’s news suggests that the recent martial arts craze may be getting out of hand after the latest in a series of incidents left over a dozen people in Random Chaos City needing hospital treatment.

  1. “One moment, it was just two teenagers arguing over which had shoved the other in the cinema queue to see Knuck Chorris Meets Big Drago, then, as fast as lightning, just about everybody in sight was fighting!” exclaims Dixie Kamen, a bruised and shaken businesswoman who’s being interviewed at the scene. “Not just kids, but shoppers and commuters too, kicking and punching each other, and doing poses like Drunken Gambler right there in public! It was a little bit frightening. The government ought to ban teaching that sort of thing, and shut down all the Bojos or Hojos or whatever they’re called.”
  2. “Ahh, so a few young whippersnappers got a bit too lively,” comments Random Chaos City’s gruff and aging police chief. “What’s needed isn’t trying to stop folks from learning how to fight, because they’ll always be doing that whether they call it Kung-Fu or Kung Pao or just plain old brawling. What’s needed is more police on the beat with better funding for our own training and gear. To keep the peace, of course.”
  3. “If this humble one, whose name is Master Po, might be heard?” suggests a passer-by with a long white beard that touches the ground, speaking to a broadcasting reporter. “The true problem is not that so many people are learning these arts, grasshopper. It is that unfortunately too many of their teachers have been focusing solely on the arts’ physical aspects without also instructing their pupils in the underlying philosophical principles that would lead those people away from welcoming violent confrontation. I suggest making the teachings of the Seven Sages of Old a core part of this country’s education system - not just for those who would then learn to fight, but for everybody who would learn anything. This is the wisest answer available.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the army's shirt ninja are the most feared assassins in the region.

2020-05-16 15:00

Karate Kids Cause Controversy

Free, youth-orientated martial arts programmes have gained popularity in communities where youth crime is a problem.

  1. “What better way to keep kids off of the streets?” asks Doug Takei, a professional judo instructor. “It’s fun, good exercise and gives an invaluable insight into our nation’s culture! Judo teaches personal balance, and it improves the health of both mind and body. But self-defence programmes like mine will need government funding to really make a difference - surely the public wouldn’t mind paying a little more tax to put an end to the gangs of yobs prowling the streets?”
  2. “It’s a good idea, but it’s not taking it far enough!” declares General Kendall Case, after ranting about ‘kids these days’. “If we could conscript these hoodlums into the army, we’d be able to put their skills to good use. No one would mess with Random Chaos if we had a butt-kickin’ karate unit on the battlefield! It may be a little expensive, but we can just take money out of the education budget since these kids will be under our tuition. Their families may not be happy about it, but remember this: these young lads will be getting to do something which is the envy of every hot-blooded citizen - fight for their country against blood-sucking foreigners!”
  3. “This is ridiculous!” comments police officer, Peter Huffington. “Teach junior thugs how to fight? Good idea, why don’t we teach them how to make bombs out of duct-tape and cheese next? I say we ban this archaic mode of combat which only serves to encourage these punks in their violent ways, and introduce more government funding for the police force! With more cash we could really show the little blighters what discipline’s all about.”
  4. “Discipline? Oh heavens no, our lives are already too restricted by the iron cage of rules and policing,” says unorthodox youth pastor Violet Phillips, seen weaving a basket from blades of grass. “Our young people need to reconnect with the spirit within, and the best way to do that is to be one with nature and appreciate the bounty all around us. Redirect some of those police funds to my summer camps, and then youths can learn how to live freely and simply by crafting their own supplies from scratch.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, boys are forced to pair off for the school disco slow dance as the girls are all staying at home.

2020-05-16 09:00

Birds, Bees, and Breeding Teens

A study has shown that an increasing proportion of teenagers in Random Chaos are falling pregnant.

  1. “We need comprehensive sex education to be mandatory in all schools,” says teacher Holly Preisner, while tidying away some diagrams that make your eyes water. “The plain fact is that teenagers will experiment with sexual intercourse despite what society or their parents wish. So I say give these kids free contraceptives, and make them fully aware of the consequences of their actions. Information is what they need, not condemnation. If they ignore it then hey, it’s their own damn fault.”
  2. “If you give them contraception it’ll just encourage them to do... terrible things,” says Marlon Wiggum, a religious parent and member of evangelist group Moral Minority. “And what’s with giving them so much information? There’s even diagrams for goodness sake! Have they never heard of ‘monkey see, monkey do’? They’ll just go and try it out, mark my words! The solution is simple: girls should be kept at home and away from the monkey house of lustful impetuousness and young males until they are of age. Teaching teenagers abstinence and chastity is the key, not giving them step-by-step manuals.”
  3. “However sex education is taught, it is still social engineering and so undermines parental authority,” says conservative moral crusader Sierra Drake. “My own son learned about something called ‘homosexuality’ the other day! For shame! We all know it should be Adam and Eve, not Adam and... Geoff? Anyway, my point is that sex education should be dropped from schools and instead taught by parents the way they see fit. That way children will get consistent messages and parents, not society, will cop the blame if any of their kids fall pregnant.”
  4. “No-one’s asked me my opinion yet,” says teenage mother Catherine Gratwick, as she bottle-feeds her baby. “I think it’s perfectly obvious what the cause of teenage pregnancy is - teenage boys! My son’s father is the one that got me into this mess. He’s the one who pressured me into having sex, but all the education is focused on the girls. Teenage fathers should be made responsible for their actions for once and be made to join the military so they can send their wages back to pay for their children’s upkeep. If that’s not a deterrent, then I don’t know what is.”
  5. “I think we’ve missed the fact that maybe this teenage pregnancy phenomenon is not such a bad thing,” says famous demographer Ariel Lewis. “We need the population to grow, we need more men of working age, we need more folk to pay taxes, et cetera. There are plenty of sound demographic reasons why we should be encouraging women to have families as soon as they can. I don’t think we ought to discourage teenagers from procreating - it’s nature’s way you know.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the banshee wail foretells skies of death.

2020-05-16 03:00

Siren Song

During a severe weather outbreak yesterday, weather sirens raised the alarm about the incoming danger. However, that didn’t seem to concern residents, who had grown all too used to constant tests and malfunctions associated with the aging system. Following dozens of fatalities, a discussion has arisen regarding the best method to warn the public about approaching weather threats.

  1. “I’m tired of weathering weather sirens!” shouts storm survivor Akira Moore, still wearing his soggy raincoat. “I’m in my house, glued to my phone, when I thought I heard a train. Turns out, it was no train; it was a twister coming straight at me! Sure, I heard the sirens, but they go off all the time! Instead of listening out for old sirens, we should get official weather alerts through our phones. I mean, people definitely won’t ignore their cell phones!”
  2. “Well, not everyone has a cell phone, and what if its battery dies in the middle of a storm, what then?” questions Random Chaos Emergency Management spokesperson Dorothy Swallows. “The biggest advantage to sirens is that we can assure that they will always work... as long as they aren’t old, malfunctioning, or whatever. It should be clear that a refit of the siren system is on the radar. All we need to do is update them to be more... attention-grabbing. I’m sure citizens won’t ignore weather sirens if we replace the wail with, say, a blood-curdling scream!”
  3. “Why is it the government’s responsibility to warn us of incoming life or death situations?” rants well-known libertarian political speaker Jacob Carr, failing to intervene as his infant picks up a nearby nail gun. “It’s the responsibility of the individual to ensure their own safety. We shouldn’t be wasting chips maintaining a faulty, hardly-used system. I say we let the old siren system die, save ourselves some money, and call it a day. If the average Random Chaosian doesn’t have enough common sense to take caution when the weather gets bad, then I forecast that Random Chaos has a far bigger problem.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cheap textbooks have replaced coasters at college ragers.

2020-05-15 21:00

Highway Robbery by the Book!

The latest academic semester in Random Chaosian universities has kicked off, leaving students once more buying textbooks for their classes. Now, an endless sea of beleaguered twentysomethings stretches beyond the horizon, waving torches and marching on your office in protest at rapidly inflating prices of already exorbitant textbooks.

  1. “Attention, Leader!” shouts gambler physiology student Lisa Hunt, who has a telescoped spine from carrying textbooks. “We - the oppressed, overstressed, and consistently underdressed - are tired of forgoing meals and basic comforts in order to afford the required tools for our education! We, the future of Random Chaos, have come to request that you force publishing companies to lower the price of our essential textbooks!”
  2. “Leader, don’t let those hooligans intimidate you!” says famed textbook author Goodman DiPyro. “Textbooks are an important aspect of the education experience and current market prices are reflective of this. How can a medical student identify the difference between a cyst and a lipoma without the most accurate and descriptive images possible? If anything, subsidising textbook authors and publishers will help boost the modern Random Chaosian learning experience while generously rewarding us for being so integral to the education system!”
  3. “Daddy, who let the poors out onto the front lawn?” questions Richard Kensington-Wellington III, whose famed millionaire misanthropic father is currently turning on the garden sprinklers. “The working classes should have never been allowed to study in the first place. I mean, what good does it do them? It only fills them with ridiculous aspirations above their natural station. It’s quite obvious after all that only the elite of society should be educated. All of my friends and their daddies say so! The common folk would be happier doing something useful with their lives!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, home education can sometimes be a load of bullocks.

2020-05-15 15:00

How to Examine Your Testees

At the International Conference of Education, head-teachers and education ministers generally have a drink or ten and get a chance to meet their peers from across the world. The conference happens to be in Random Chaos this year and having nothing better to do one night, you decide to attend a mixer. As it happens, the topic of conversation is Standardised Testing...

  1. Dàguó Education Director Hoo Yu Wan Hia, apparently misunderstanding the nature of the social-mixer, has set up a projector upon a platter of hors d’oeuvres and is currently word-for-word reading off PowerPoint slides. “In Dàguó, standardised tests assess student performance throughout education. Centile-scoring streams the students, gives accurate comparison, and identifies the cream of the crop for industry roles. Next slide, please. This is the foundation of economic success, and also why Dàguó children are so much better at maths and science than the lazy and undisciplined children of your nations. You should adopt the Dàguó system. Any questions?”
  2. “Constant testing teaches children only how to pass tests,” interjects Antti Markkanen, a progressive head teacher from the socialistic nation of Skandilund, carefully putting down his drink. “Obsession with competition only makes children equate success with dominance. Use carrot and stick methods, and you just get an ass. Pun intended. When children compete, most are taught only that they are losers. Abandon testing, and teach love of knowledge!”
  3. “So on the one hand we got rote-learning clones, and on the other, liberal hippies!” spits cowboy-hat wearing Jonnie Wain, interrupting his poker game to literally and metaphorically put his cards on the table. “In the United Federation we got a saying: ‘Hey Guvmint! Butt out!’. Let each school be its own business, deciding its own way with no centralized tyranny. Let parents vote with their wallets, and either pick the school they want, or pick no school at all. I was raised on my uncle’s farm; I just learned me how to herd steers from the back of a horse. That’s real life education!”
  4. “Couldn’t we be a bit more moderate, try and take something of all three options?” wonders your Education Minister, trying to escape from the trio of foreign educators closing in on her. “Maybe there’s a Random Chaosian way, with compulsory exam assessments, but not a national test, but a choice of examination boards competing on the free market. And maybe you could have some state schools with part private funding, and some private schools with state regulation, and some structured home schooling involving some time in communal classrooms. That sounds good, doesn’t it? Maybe? Possibly?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has an "easy come, easy go" policy on youth crime.

2020-05-15 09:00

Mamma Random Chaos, Let Me Go

The media is up in arms over the case of Eddie Jupiter, a minor who is being tried as an adult on suspicion of murder; the case has sparked a national debate over Random Chaos and youth crime.

  1. “He’s just a poor boy from a poor family!” pleads Hayley Palpatine, youth welfare activist and rock fan appearing on Random Chaos’s most popular morning show. “Spare him his life from this monstrosity! The government must not try teens as adults. In fact, you really can’t try them at all; they clearly don’t understand the magnitude of their actions. Maybe if our government gave schools more funding, the teachers could explain this ‘don’t murder’ concept a little better.”
  2. “Don’t understand?!” thunders prosecuting attorney Luke Vega during one of many press conferences. “Tell that to the victim! The punk put a gun against his head and pulled the trigger. Now he’s dead! The youth of Random Chaos need to learn to respect the rules of decent society, and the best way to do that is to impose harsher penalties. Solitary confinement, public punishment, curfews - the whole works. As for this kid, lock him up!”
  3. “I couldn’t agree more,” muses a major religion representative Sarah Coulson while proselytizing to your staff. “Except the civil authorities shouldn’t be the ones dealing with Jupiter. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for him, and only true penitence can save his soul. In fact, better give the true faith power to punish, er, save all criminals! I find there’s no better cure for a sick soul than public whipping, don’t you agree?”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Contender" to "Instigator".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's not mass murder when the government does it.

2020-05-15 03:00

Court in the Middle

Vlad Leopold, the despised Tasmanian war criminal and international fugitive, was recently captured by the Random Chaosian police while in hiding just outside of Random Chaos City. With members of the international community wanting to see justice, the question of jurisdiction has arisen.

  1. “This dastardly fiend committed numerous crimes against humanity,” states Homer Hackett, a prosecutor from the The Hatrackia Criminal Court. “Therefore, it is obvious that Leopold’s trial falls under the jurisdiction of the international court. We’ll start legal proceedings against him, adhering to the letter of the law, and in less than five years his sentence will be announced.”
  2. “This monster killed my father,” snarls the Tasmanian ambassador Michelle Neumann, wiping tears of anger and grief from her eyes. “Also my sister, my two best friends and my great uncle. My point is, we Tasmanians were wronged by him, and we deserve our retribution. We, the Tasmanian people, must be allowed to prosecute and then punish this genocidal villain.” She picks up a set of thumbscrews and looks at you meaningfully.
  3. “This arrest was the finest moment of my career, and also a big moment for Random Chaos,” counters Tiberius Trax, the national police chief. “Leopold slaughtered a few Random Chaosian volunteers in the Tasmanian Civil War, so we can rightfully try him for murdering our own citizens. Everyone can whine all they want, but the fact is they couldn’t catch him. We did. It’s our sovereign right to try criminals captured on our territory.”
  4. Finally, a man in dark sunglasses and with a mysterious tattoo of an all-seeing eye on his wrist, whom you don’t remember seeing enter the room, whispers in your ear, “What Leopold did wrong wasn’t the indiscriminate decimation of the Tasmanian population. It’s that he wasn’t smart about it. He’s got raw potential, sure. If you give him to me, I’ll make sure he becomes much more efficient, professional and covert in his work. You can also trust that this time, he’ll be working for the good guys.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is said that a Random Chaosian woman's work is never done.

2020-05-14 21:00

Bloodied but Unbowed

You have come to your office this morning to find that your tea hasn’t been brewed, your meeting schedule hasn’t been laid out, and your plants haven’t been watered. There has been a delay in everything as your assistant, Anna Cook, has been slacking off work today because it is her ‘time of the month.’

  1. “I can’t take it any more, Leader!” wails Anna Cook, plumping down on your chair in her pajamas — then taking a sip from her chamomile tea and rubbing her belly. “For some women like me, periods are too bloody painful to concentrate on work. All female employees should have a right to paid menstrual leave for up to five days every month. Period. This way, instead of writhing in pain in our workplaces with little to no productivity, we can go shop — err, I mean, take a warm, relaxing shower and rest.”
  2. “Oh, cry me a river!” exclaims Mohammed Kent, your misogynistic Minister of Finance, while rolling his eyes at Anna Cook. “Do you have any idea how much money these ‘menstrual vacations’ will cost our taxpayers? But no, these snivelling moaners find a new thing to whine about every day: they want breastfeeding breaks, employment quotas, and now this! Hey, my mother was a woman too, but she never complained about anything. When she was pregnant with me, she worked on our cotton field for 12 hours a day, even if it was her time of the month! Do away with this sex-based discrimination and abolish all special concessions to women. And tell this whimperer to take a painkiller — then get back to work!”
  3. “How could you even suggest this?” enquires Doug Richardson, your Minister of Chivalry, with a condescending smile on his face. “I think we are looking at the problem in the wrong way. Has it ever occurred to you that doing office drudgery may actually be too harsh and stressful for the frail bodies of the fair sex? I think there would be no need for menstrual leave if women were strongly encouraged to do easy and stress-free menial jobs, like basket-weaving or bead-threading. What do you think?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, marine biology students are shocked to discover that a whale is a mammal.

2020-05-14 15:00

A for Effort

A home-schooled student with perfect grades was kicked out of Random Chaos City University after failing the first semester.

  1. “This is not fair!” berates Heather Putin, the student’s mom, her face turning the color of beetroot as she glares at you accusingly. “How can colleges kick out a student after they’ve enrolled? It’s as if they don’t believe the grades I gave him! My little cherub worked so hard in his high school years, and now it’s all for nothing. Leader, you must make it a law that colleges cannot boot out anyone after they’ve been accepted.”
  2. “Do you see these papers?” asks Yuri Wiseau, the university’s admissions counsellor. “Copies of rejection letters sent to applicants who were declined a space because of this sub-par student! I think that we need to take some serious measures to make sure that home-schooled students have their grades checked and verified by the state.”
  3. “Why are college entrance criteria so elitist anyway?” enquires Clint Dunn, an intern who has just completed a college paper on socialism. “Why not just make going to college mandatory for every Random Chaosian? College education should be free for all until the age of 24. Yes, it will require a boost in taxation to pay for it, but everyone will surely appreciate their government-funded master’s degree.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, excessive wheelchair ramps on government buildings have been compared to theme park attractions.

2020-05-14 09:00

Ramping Up the Difficulty

Earlier this week, you were supposed to meet with the first disabled team of explorers to conquer the icy slopes of the Bigtopian tundra. However, your office proved to be inaccessible to the adventurers and the meeting was cancelled. Disability awareness groups are outraged that those with impairments can’t access government buildings, many of which provide them the help and support they need.

  1. “We must put an end to the discrimination against people with disabilities,” declares Zelda Orbison, the spokesperson of the awareness group All Access, through a speech synthesizer. “Many of us face great difficulty in climbing steps, reading text, or listening to auditory sources or conveying messages. The government must improve the accessibility to premises and information so that we are treated fairly and have the ability to contribute to society.”
  2. “It might sound nice to have more ramps and guide dogs, but the real problem isn’t infrastructure, it’s society’s treatment of the intellectually and physically disadvantaged,” observes Danni van Gogh, a concerned parent. “If people had stopped to open doors, and to help the disabled athletes up the steps, then we wouldn’t need special adaptations to the buildings. Kindness and helpfulness should be taught at school, with kids learning to assist those who need help and to stop bullying them because they’re different. That’s the way to go forward.”
  3. “Hold on a minute! Making modifications to historic government buildings is cultural vandalism and awfully expensive!” objects Ingmar Conway, your rather obsessive Minister of Random Chaosian Heritage. “We can’t destroy centuries’ worth of history and deface the structures with modern architecture just to improve accessibility! I sympathize with these people’s plight, but our culture and history are too important to destroy!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the hardest thing for a mining operation to dig through is government red tape.

2020-05-14 03:00

Your Land or Mine

A large aluminium deposit has been found at Gambler Hills, a remote area in Random Chaos. The Environmental Agency is being unusually easy-going, citing minimal potential ecological impact and approving mining to go ahead. Only one obstacle exists - the deposit is right in the middle of a sacred area of the indigenous Pangaoaoangan tribe.

  1. “Did you know that aluminium is the second most commonly used metal in our economy?” quizzes aluminium aficionado and bauxite buff Ellie Cheswick, pointing to an ‘Ask Me About Electrolysis’ pin-badge proudly displayed on an ironed lapel. “This high quality deposit is a gold mine! Not literally of course, I’m just funning with you. We’re talking minimal tailings, starting at just minus 100 metres! Isn’t that exciting? Oh my goodness, there’s so much we can do when we have aluminium! Why hesitate?”
  2. “Leader, you must see it from our side,” insists Johann James, a tribal elder wearing a sharp business suit and a worker’s hard hat. “Pullabooka - or as you call it - the Gambler Hills, belongs to my people. You cut into it, and you’re not just profaning a holy site, you’re cutting us out of your society! Look, we’re not blind to your economic needs: if you want to mine your metal, why not start seventy miles to the north instead, across that river canyon, then tunnel your way across to the deep deposits? A thousand generations of my ancestors are watching you, Leader. Do the right thing!”
  3. “That sounds kind of expensive... bit of a dealbreaker if we can’t turn a profit,” muses Nyota Powell, a spokesperson from Random Chaos City Mining Company’s Corporate Social Responsibility arm. “Look, we don’t need to convince ALL the locals. Let’s just convince the tribal council. They get a healthy inducement fee, say half from you and half from our company, and they can sign whatever papers we need to cover us from future legal challenges. I think, after all, money talks!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a decrease in wailing and gnashing of teeth at astronomical events is reducing demand for dentistry.

2020-05-13 21:00

Total Eclipse of the Brain

Earlier today, a mysterious bearded stranger announced himself in the centre of Random Chaos City. He drew a crowd by telling of his ability to block out the sun, demanding that everyone hand over all their gold or face the consequences. A few moments later, the sun disappeared! Panicking, those gathered gave him their jewellery, watches and even the gold fillings from their teeth.

  1. “Behold my miracles,” states the stranger. “Just as I foretold, the sun was blocked out for a full three minutes and did not return until I commanded it to shine again. You should recognise a messiah when you see one! Install me as your Minister for Sun Protection, and give me a budget for sun worship rituals.”
  2. “He’s not a messiah; he’s a very naughty boy!” lectures peripatetic pedagogue Miss Perspicacia Tick. “For goodness sake, hasn’t anyone heard of a solar eclipse? Honestly, this nation has some of the dimmest people I’ve ever had the misfortune of trying to teach. You should put funding in place for every school to have telescopes and accredited science textbooks. And yes, I would love to run your new Science Academy.”
  3. “Minister for Sun Protection! Science academies! What utter nonsense!” declares sceptical police officer Don Nutt. “Con artists bug me more than murderers! Just let me take both these swindlers to the station, and I’m sure they’ll confess to everything after a damned good beating!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, strange men lingering in offices distributing television sets is a basis for a system of government.

2020-05-13 15:00

Public Protesting Pawnbroker Pickpockets

After a ring of black market fences were caught dealing in stolen goods from Random Chaos City to the rural village Noh Weir, pawn shops have fallen under scrutiny for their role in reselling illicitly-acquired wares.

  1. “Leader, I’ve had it up to here with these pawn shops. They’ve taken it a step too far!” The flustered Nomathemba Bakker shakes her fist. “They bought my TV from a criminal! Then sold it back to me! Sure, it took me a week to even notice, and only because of the smell, but that doesn’t matter! They are accomplices to this crime, and I demand justice. No, I demand vengeance! No more second-hand stores!”
  2. “We don’t need such a drastic decision,” pipes up Minister of Justice Wei Glenn. “We just need to regulate these stores. Before any product can be sold, run these items through some police databases, and take extensive notes on the seller to crosscheck for criminal history. Sure, it will cost the taxpayers a bit, but they’ll make it back with the great deals on used stereo systems.”
  3. Pawnbroker Brian Mombota removes his sunglasses. “I’ve been in this business my whole life, like my father before me. But now a few bad apples are giving us a bad name. If you help subsidize a television show about our hard-working salespeople, maybe we can change the public’s mind. I’m sure we can meet halfway.”
  4. Heather Summers finally steps forward from the shadows, inviting you to kiss her ringed hand. “Look, Leader, let me be clear. This is a perfectly legitimate business. We can provide paperwork on our taxes and all. But I’d rather just give you a gift of a widescreen plasma TV. Just be careful, you might blind yourself on this picture quality. If you do, perhaps... turn that blinded eye toward our business.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, every spring railroad foundations erode to reveal human remains.

2020-05-13 09:00

The Path Less Traveled

While Random Chaos’s northern ports bustle with trade during the summer time, this flurry of activity freezes to a standstill at the onset of winter when thick sheets of ice form over the frigid waters. This seasonal impasse both severely limits economic productivity and makes resupply of the region difficult.

  1. “Leader, we have a brilliant opportunity!” excitedly cheers Ryan May, the mayor of one of the cities. “Imagine, our city, a front to the world in both summer and winter. All we need to do is develop and deploy a whole fleet of state-of-the-art icebreakers the likes of which the world has never seen before! I can just picture it now: hundreds of ships, thousands of tourists, and millions of chips worth of goods coming from across the globe to my port... err, Random Chaos.”
  2. “Why spend money on expensive icebreakers when good old-fashioned railroads can do the work year round?” questions infamous rail tycoon Cecil Vanderbilt, as his assistant places a model train on your desk. “Invest in my company and ease some health and safety standards, and my men can build and maintain the tracks for a pittance. Full steam ahead! Choo choo!”
  3. “Why don’t we just stockpile before winter?” asks Al Snape, an advocate of human hibernation. “We bring in everything we need in autumn and don’t worry about nothin’ in winter. You can help defray the cost of our survival by funding winter fuel allowances and cold weather food supplies for the poorest in the area.”
  4. “I have ze perfect solution,” announces crazed crackpot climatologist Efthamia Boothroyd. “Mein data shows zat ze ice is ziner each passing year due in part to global varming. Now, vhy don’t ve just hurry it up by pumping ze atmosphere full of more chlorofluorocarbon? All zis ice will go bye-bye in under a decade! How cool vould zat be? Vell, not cool, you know... zere’d be no ice.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Negotiator" to "Contender".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, artists are pillars of society.

2020-05-13 03:00

To Paint or Not to Paint?

An elite group of highly-qualified, well-respected scientists, lawyers, and doctors are campaigning to outlaw the study of the Arts and Humanities in the Universities of Random Chaos.

  1. “Why should Arts students get to lounge around reading books and watching daytime TV for hours on end, when some of our hard-working youngsters are dedicating themselves to the study of worthwhile and valuable subjects; studies which will benefit the nation as a whole?” asks Aziz Herrelko, a student engineer. “We should be grooming our young people to help, not sponge off the system. The Arts should be considered a hobby, not a career.”
  2. “You can’t mean that,” gasps Prof. Catherine Gratwick, renowned worldwide for her paintings of trains. “Learning should be done out of love, not duty. The study of the Arts has been a noble field for many centuries, and learning it is not as easy as you think. I’d rather die than live in a world where creativity is stifled. We should be encouraging young artists, writers, musicians - if only to strengthen Random Chaos’s cultural reputation.”
  3. “What’s the point in allowing most young people to continue in further education anyway?” enquires Felicity Parker, a factory manager. “Surely most students would be better employed in manual and factory work? You should handpick a select few to study medicine, the law, science, and business of course, and utilise the majority of youth to increase the country’s productivity in industry. Academic freedom just gets in the way of a functioning society, I’ve always said.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, kids only know what plants are because they've seen them on the television.

2020-05-12 21:00

Make the Cut

When the grass on a roadside patch of lawn in front of Thomas Kidman’s house grew so long that a herd of wild deer moved in, the local council tried to force him to mow it - a job he claims is not his to do. Unexpectedly, this all-out turf war escalated over several months, till finally the problem has found itself on your doorstep.

  1. “It’s a bloody outrage, it is!” complains Thomas Kidman, who has showed up wearing nothing but a grubby string vest and stained briefs that have seen better days. “Some whinging council nerd says it was me land to mow and I gotta mows it! So then I told ‘em since it was me land, I can do whats I wants with it. Then they tell me it’s their land, but I gotta mows it. Anyways, I tells ‘em: if it ain’t me land, then it ain’t me bloody problem to mow the land, is it? If they want it mowed, they can bleedin’ mow it themselves!”
  2. “Surely you can’t expect us to look after every nature strip in our local government area?” asks Councillor Yasmin Rios, waving the red-ink-covered printout of the Local Authority’s annual budget. “By the time we pick up litter and pull weeds, we’ll need to be doubling our council rates! And when we do increase our rates, everyone chucks a stink! Force the idling bludgers to be socially responsible for once in their lives, and get them mowing!”
  3. “The whole problem appears to be that it’s not the resident’s land,” suggests Cortana Zaius, your Minister of Creative Solutions. “So what if we were to change that? Expand land rights out from the front door to the road. Homeowners get a land windfall, local authorities get to devolve responsibility. What could possibly go wrong?”
  4. “Hard problems need hard solutions,” observes Homer Fernandez, manager of ConcreteIsUs. “Why don’t we just pave over the damned nature strip? That way it won’t matter whose land it is as no one will have to mow it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the public health bureaucracy is wrapped in miles of red tape.

2020-05-12 15:00

Fluoride Controversy a Toothy Problem

Recent reports revealing that the dental health of Random Chaos is far below the regional average have ignited a fierce debate over whether to introduce fluoride to the nation’s tap water reserves.

  1. “Fluoride has been shown time and time again to promote dental health,” argues Dr. Edwin Namel, Chairperson of ‘Friends of The Teeth’. “It’s not an experimental drug for heaven’s sake, it’s an accepted method of promoting national good health. A nationwide program for the fluoridation of drinking water should not be seen as optional - it’s a no-brainer for any sensible government. We need to implement this now, whether the public want it or not.”
  2. “I am strongly against this proposal!” rages Agnes Matsenjwa, one of the more vociferous members of the Random Chaos Green Society. “When I turn on the water tap I expect to get just that. Water. Nothing else. We are not lab rats and it is not the government’s place to force us into taking these chemicals! In fact I reckon we should put the brakes on all these new chemicals doctors keep pumping into people and give us the right to say no!”
  3. “There’s no need to go to either extreme,” says Dave Smithers, your personal dentist. “It’s all about, um, choice. Here’s a nice alternative: why not just have clean non-fluoridated drinking water and give more funds to dentists? If we had enough money, we could make all dental care absolutely free! It will be demanding on the taxpayers I know, but they’ll surely be happy when they all have sparkling white teeth!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, chickens frolic freely on swings and roundabouts in Random Chaos City's playgrounds.

2020-05-12 09:00

Resistance Is Fertile

An outbreak of an antibiotic-resistant super-bacterium has killed five people in Random Chaos City, and epidemiologists are linking the emergence of this strain to contaminated chicken meat from poultry given regular doses of antibiotics. Health officials, farmers and consumers are searching for solutions to prevent another outbreak.

  1. “There’s a simple solution,” says Marin Gilbreth, head of the Random Chaos Public Health Board. “Ban antibiotic use on animals. Antibiotic overuse promotes drug-resistant bacteria, and the chemicals involved are also tainting the food chain. If animals get sick, cull them. Super-bugs will be a thing of the past!”
  2. “The government must not do that!” shouts Taylor Meyer, Head Poultry Butcher at ChickensBoxed Inc. “We will lose revenue and efficiency! We raise thousands of birds here and antibiotics allow us more meat per unit, more units per square metre and more units per chip. You should allow us to use whatever drugs we need to keep the farming industry strong!”
  3. “Does anyone forget to mention why chickens get sick?” asks young farmer Karl Stromburg, as he pets Mrs. Tweedy, the favourite of his five chickens. “It’s because they are cooped up in cages, unable to move, to develop their bodies, and exercise. The solution is for free-range farming to be mandatory. Meat will then be fresher, healthier and better tasting. We’ll need more room, of course, so perhaps the government could donate us some city parks to convert?”
  4. “Wait a minute! Has anybody thought about the little guy here? By which I mean, the poor, destitute pharmaceuticals industry?” questions Big Pharma executive Bongani Caesar, as he steps off his private jet. “If you block out sales, our profits will fall by several percent, and jobs will be lost. Perhaps instead subsidise investment into the NEXT generation of antibiotics? That way farmers can use antibiotics all day long, and we’ll likely still have new tools to treat sick patients with.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, student exchange programs are in trouble as everyone wants to leave but no-one wants to come.

2020-05-12 03:00

Your Assignment, Should You Choose to Accept It

A coalition of middle-schoolers and educators have come into the spotlight for proposing that homework should be banned, claiming that it disadvantages the poor.

  1. “Homework is just another form of bourgeois subjugation!” exclaims surprisingly knowledgeable 12-year old Francis Holland, leader of the activist group School Children Raging Against Plutocratic Systems. “The children of the impoverished proletariat have far worse work environments after school - their parents usually have less time to assist them due to working multiple jobs, and they have fewer resources at hand. I suggest we set a level playing field and prohibit all homework.”
  2. “There is a legitimate concern raised here,” says Ash, an annoyingly hipster teacher, who prefers that his students address him by his first name only. “I agree homework should be banned for the sake of the poorer students, but it is a good source of cognitive production. Therefore, I propose a compromise: let’s ban homework, but even it out by lengthening the school day.”
  3. “The problem is these miscreants don’t have enough homework,” argues Mr. True, a frighteningly strict teacher, who then takes a moment to admonish Francis for sloppy deportment. “My advice is that every teacher, in every lesson, every day must be required to set at least an hour’s homework. That should keep the little buggers busy!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, strange looking men with big red noses are found hiding behind bushes and inside dustbins.

2020-05-11 21:00

Circus Clowns Cause Chaos!

Rather than finding them funny, a recent survey shows that most children are actually afraid of clowns. The public is demanding that you do something to stop these terrifying menaces.

  1. “Kill them! Kill them all! Or... you know, just ban them,” opines noted sociologist Norman Zaius. “Better yet, why not ban all circuses from Random Chaos! Think about it, they’re distracting children from what’s important in life; namely, doing well in school, getting a job and contributing to the economy. That’s what’s important here!”
  2. “Banning clowns is a little extreme, if you ask me,” inputs your Minister for Culture, Tracy Fernandez. “I think what we need to do is educate children about what clowns actually do. Tell them they aren’t scary and that what they do is actually beneficial! After all, happy kids are less likely to go down the path of crime, which means less spending goes to the police and more funds can be diverted to somewhere important - like my Department!”
  3. “It’s not always about the kids,” mumbles a red-nosed man in the corner. “Think of us clowns! We have to put up with the kids screaming, and shouting and hurling things at us. How would you feel if you were dressed up like a fool and paraded in front of 8-year-olds! The Government needs to create a program to treat us clowns for depression - you don’t know what it’s like, man. You weren’t there!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the country is governed by a clique of political insiders known colloquially as The Establishment.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Moralistic Democracy" to "Iron Fist Consumerists".

2020-05-11 15:00

It’s Hard to Separate the Truth From Entertainment

After an election season featuring bake-offs, dance-offs, rap battles, wet T-shirt contests, and occasional sumo matches between candidates for public office, some people think politicians are spending too much time on publicity stunts and not enough time on serious debate.

  1. “They aren’t just publicity stunts,” claims Tulsi Haggard, a surfer and country music star who serves as a member of Congress in her spare time. “These events are an important way for candidates to show that they’re in touch with regular people. In fact, we should encourage candidates to express their individuality on the campaign trail. Now would you like to hear my latest song about sales tax exemptions?”
  2. “When people run for office, they should be talking about the issues, not their music career,” says politician Lisbeth Burrows as she looks around your office and sketches a plan for redecorating it. “You don’t see me running campaign ads about how many computers I hacked for fun or how many tattoos I have. We need more responsible election coverage and better oversight of the process before we end up with Edward Rump or Catherine Gratwick leading our country.”
  3. “Even if Tulsi Haggard stops parading around half-naked, Lisbeth Burrows stops talking about her fry bread recipe, and Ernie Flanders stops conducting symphonies, that won’t stop voters from getting duped,” sulks your Foreign Secretary, Hillary Smoochinger. “As long as elections are a popularity contest, personality politics are going to get in the way of choosing the most qualified candidates. We should just conduct surveys to find out what policies our citizens want, and you could appoint the most qualified experts to implement them. It’s still democracy, except that people are recommending policies instead of voting for candidates.”
  4. “What do we need surveys for?” asks yogurt manufacturer and inflammatory political activist Steve Dannon. “If people aren’t smart enough to see through these campaign gimmicks, they aren’t smart enough to know what policies are best for the country. The fact that these people are allowed in positions of power and I’m making yogurt should be all the evidence you need that democracy doesn’t work. Why don’t you just get rid of it? I’d be happy to give you some advice on how to run things.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, cheating spouses are required to undergo job training.

2020-05-11 09:00

An Affair to Remember?

A recent investigation by The Random Chaos City Times has shown that the nation’s tough adultery laws have hit the poor hardest. An odd assortment of left-wing activists, religious leaders, and scantily clad protesters have demanded the government take action as more of Random Chaos’s impoverished citizens find themselves in prison.

  1. “I think you’re forgetting the real reason why people have affairs,” suggests noted socialist leader, Ganondorf Parker. “Everything seems more tempting when you have nothing to lose. How can you blame these people for turning to, shall we say ‘alternative partners’, when they lack the skills to provide for themselves? If the government funded some new job training programs for the unemployed and increased the welfare budget just a tad, you will not only lower unemployment rates, but adultery along with it.”
  2. “Economics has nothing to do with it. Government simply has no place in the bedroom!” shouts longtime sexual freedoms advocate, Lucina Vonnegut, wearing nothing but a conveniently placed protest sign. “Politicians - who, may I remind you, have more affairs than anyone else - are only standing by this fundamentalism to get the religious vote! You’ll save much more face if you admit you screwed up and repealed this archaic law.”
  3. “I told thee so! I told thee so!” invokes Reverend Sancho Cruise. “Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage? It’s obvious we’ve become too lenient. We need to strike the fear of divine retribution into these sinners before the problem gets any worse. A good ol’ stoning ought to do it!”
  4. “Adultery isn’t the real issue,” says Alexander Kimmel, who at fifty years old is still single and proud of it. “Why not ban marriage? It’s not like matrimony means anything these days when you consider all the divorces, shams, casino weddings, and fake celebrity weddings. Besides, weddings are EXPENSIVE. Talk about a waste of perfectly good money.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, artists regularly face criminal charges and art-burning parties are common.

2020-05-11 03:00

Is It Art or Is It Porn?

Vocal members of the moral minority have been complaining and petitioning the government about the new art gallery displaying several provocative nude portraits by several famous artists. They claim these pieces of work promote prostitution and indecent sexual acts.

  1. “Stop my children from looking at smut! These artists are only perverts pretending to be artists! Think of the children!” says Roxanne Tin, proud member of Parents Promoting Purity. “These artists are only going to rouse our innocent children to commit grotesque acts of immorality! Get rid of their art, and arrest the artists!”
  2. “Well, I see that point, but we certainly don’t need to ban inoffensive art, still lifes of inanimate objects, and such,” says your sister, Agnes Cheyney. “Perhaps we should set some guidelines for what is acceptable as art and what isn’t. Artistic renditions of people getting it on are one thing. A bunch of fruit in a decorative bowl is another entirely.”
  3. “That is censorship!” says noted art history teacher Desmond Janeway. “You can’t ban art! It’s freedom of expression; it’s part of our culture. If anything, the government should be supporting these artists and their work, not listening to these prudish whackjobs who are scared of a little bare skin!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, noble feuds don't end until one side gets their point across.

2020-05-10 21:00

Jolly Jousting Japes

A motley group of sportsmen, equestrians, and medieval reenactment enthusiasts have petitioned the government to bring back the sport of jousting.

  1. “It’ll be awesome!” exclaims medieval scholar Luigi Sestero, pointing to a painting depicting the ancient sport. “Bringing back such a revered part of our past would invigorate our cultural life! That said, we’d need to do it the old-fashioned way — meaning a full commitment to lances, armour, and fine horses. What do you say? Let’s bring the past to life!”
  2. “I think we need to jazz it up a little,” suggests popular daredevil Sarah Knievel. “Instead of jousters using horses and lances, what if they instead play on motorbikes and sports cars? Participants can even use a variety of weapons, such as maces and axes! It’ll be bloody, but we’ll have so much fun!”
  3. “This proposal gave me an interesting thought,” ponders your Treasury Minister Angela Gonzalez, admiring her reflection in a polished shield. “Jousting could very well be a boon for the economy. We could even get the gambling industry in on it: let people place bets on jousting matches while we take a cut of the proceeds. I doubt event coordinators will have any problem filling stadiums with people who’d pay top dollar to experience this real-life, exciting sport!”
  4. “Why are we only focusing on jousting?” asks posh aristocrat Don Morris as he cleans his glasses. “Don’t you think times were simpler and better when everyone knew their place? There were benevolent lords in their manors, peasants merrily tilling the fields, even courtly jousts conducted by illustrious knights. Shouldn’t we do our part to make these traditional values a reality again?”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Auxiliary" to "Negotiator".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaosian political exiles populate the near abroad.

2020-05-10 15:00

Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

As the state rounded up demonstrators protesting for the right to protest and media personalities agitating for the right to agitate, the nation’s jails have become massively overcrowded. Now there are several proposals to ease prison overcrowding.

  1. “I can’t take it anymore!” shouts Elena Rogers, handcuffed and accompanied by three armed guards. “Ever been forced to share a cell with someone who can’t go a single hour without ranting about permanent revolution or the failed dictatorship of the proletariat? Back in the day, all you ever had to worry about was getting stabbed by a rival gang. Please, can’t you just kick them all out of the country or something? If I have to listen to another political manifesto, I’m gonna snap!”
  2. “Well, the felon makes one good point, I guess,” muses your Internal Minister, Jean-Luc Chip. “But exiling them to Bigtopia or Marche Noire? I know where that goes. They get picked up by their puppet-masters across the border and get refurbished into a fifth column. Internal exile is the solution: send them to the miserable desert and force them to work in the salt mines. Their life expectancy will be low, but that’s not necessarily a problem.”
  3. An elderly man, wearing his old army uniform, looks up from his newspaper grumpily. “Bah! Back during the war, y’know what we did with spies? Take ‘em all, line ‘em up against the wall and shoot ‘em! Problem solved!”
  4. “All those solutions don’t sound like real solutions,” states Nomathemba Flanders, your newest advisor. “If we were more lenient with the political opposition, then our jails wouldn’t be so overcrowded. A lot of countries seem to manage with dissent legal; why not Random Chaos?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is believed that behind every great man is a terrified subservient woman.

2020-05-10 09:00

Maid to Order

Increasing numbers of families find they have little time for their children, with both partners often working very long hours. A possible solution lies with Bigtopian immigrants who are clamouring to make money in Random Chaos, and who would be happy to work as maids and nannies for well below the typical salary that Random Chaosians would consider a living wage.

  1. “We will shop and serve and clean and cook,” pleads Bigtopian maid May, kneeling before you with head bowed. “We earn much more here than at home, even if you pay us half what local workers get. We don’t want any voting rights, we don’t want citizenship. Please, boss, let us work here.”
  2. “I have to say, I’m a little uncomfortable with this.” worries Kelly Vajiralongkorn, avowed liberal and middle-class working parent, scratching at eczema under her unwashed collar. “We’re talking about underpaid servants, of foreign ethnicity, almost all women. Our children will be told these people are servants to be ordered around. Doesn’t that worry you? Let workers come, by all means, but be sure that they have strong employment and citizenship rights, with a solid minimum wage. To be honest, if you create these conditions, Random Chaosian men and women will want these jobs too!”
  3. “So, we need people to do the menial jobs that frankly are beneath us...” muses General Collins, staring thoughtfully out of the window at the horizon. “Well, why bother with servants? There’s a multitude of nations out there that have barely any military strength with populations ripe for reaping. Let’s go gather some slaves!”
  4. “It’s a crying shame that we have to look overseas to find women who remember that their place is in the home,” moans perpetually single 45-year-old Jamil Keating. “The women of our own country have gotten too uppity and independent. Discourage women from working by doubling their income taxes, and don’t even let girls into school. That’ll take us back to the good old days, when a man was king in his own house and a woman knew her place as servant. Then, we won’t need dirty foreigners looking after our kids.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, millions are awarded in damages for bad haircuts.

2020-05-10 03:00

Random Chaos’s Next Top Mohel

When celebrity actor Larry Gruber underwent a change of faith, he also underwent a late-in-life circumcision. Unfortunately, the individual making the needed cuts made a botch job of it, lopping off a bit of flesh and giving Gruber a nasty infection. The celebrity is now using his influence to call into question safety standards around circumcisions.

  1. “Praise be, I don’t regret seeking circumcision,” winces Gruber, fresh from the set of his latest movie Cut to the Point. “However, I mistakenly assumed that a priest offering circumcision would have some sort of professional qualifications. It turns out all she had was an old, dog-eared urology manual and a pair of kitchen scissors! We need legislation to make sure qualified surgeons are the only ones allowed to make an incision into any part of the human body, no matter how small.”
  2. “Look, it was a tricky procedure on a difficult individual. Anyone could have misplaced their cut,” grumbles circumcisionist Britt Miller, gesticulating forcefully while holding a pair of scissors. “There wasn’t much size difference from the infants I normally work with, though babies wail and wriggle a lot less. I never claimed to be a doctor, but I have carried out over a hundred circumcisions. If he wants to make a complaint against me personally, I will defend myself, but don’t let this idiot bury centuries of religious practice under a mountain of bureaucracy!”
  3. “Had an injury that wasn’t your fault?” interjects lawyer Ginny Nahasapeemapetilon from the compensation claims firm SoSueThem. “We can represent you on a no-win, no-fee basis. Our... oh, sorry Leader, I thought you were the punter. Uh, injured claimant, I mean. While I’ve got you though, maybe you could look at some deregulation of my profession? The best way for you to create better safety standards is to empower lawyers in the noble crusade to promote medical accountability! Let the free market save the day!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bris parties are all the rage.

2020-05-09 21:00

Saving Your Own Foreskin

Ben Carr, the fastest amateur swimmer in Random Chaos, recently acknowledged that his parents had him circumcised when he was younger for “aerodynamic purposes”. This has caused considerable debate throughout the Free Land, and people have taken to ambushing you while you’re out for your evening meal.

  1. “This is sick and wrong!” vents trilby-clad protester Ingmar Horner, flinging a copy of a news article strategically between you and your meal. “How can people think that mutilating diaper parts is okay? Religions and cults be damned. As you can read in this editorial, the paper’s resident doctor proves beyond doubt that non-necessary circumcision has a host of negative effects. It doesn’t matter that they’re a doctor of journalism and not urology; it’s basically the same thing. Bar emergency medical reasons, you must make circumcision illegal in all circumstances.”
  2. “Oy veh! Don’t get between me, my kid, and our religion!” blusters restaurateur Ariel Goldberg, admonishing the trilby-clad protester and knocking over your glass of water in the process. “This kibitzer has nothing but disdain for our way of life - or the right to privacy! There are many opinion pieces and medical papers on circumcision telling of positive effects and, for me personally, my religion demands it! Look, you’re a mensch, so I know you’ll allow circumcision to continue; and, more importantly, allow parents to decide on circumcision if the bubalas are too young.”
  3. “Hey now, there is room for compromise,” interjects Fumiko Perez, a cosmetic surgeon at a nearby table, as she pockets a butter knife to add to her collection. “You see, we could ban all elective surgical procedures until a certain age, and then let the patients themselves make informed decisions on whether they want these procedures or not. It will take some extra funding to actually teach kids about different surgeries, to be sure, but that should have no negative effects on the population. I hope. Nonetheless, you can’t put a price on informed decisions!”
  4. “You people are all rather annoying,” sighs Tyrion Watterson, your friend and dinner guest who has had to sit through the preceding debate while trying, at the same time, to eat currywurst. “Leader, do me a favor and teach these disrespectful intruders a lesson in etiquette. Make all body modification illegal. Yes, illegal - under all circumstances, medical need or no. That will show these three for daring to interrupt our lovely evening. On the bright side, it should also disrupt that awful ‘body-mod’ scene that is simply ... distasteful.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Ambassador" to "Auxiliary".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, birth rates have hit an all-time low.

2020-05-09 15:00

It’s UterUs, Not UterYou!

A religious talk show host raised a furor with his call to ban contraception. Women’s rights groups have come to you demanding a response.

  1. “I’m appalled these religious wackos have the gall to even think about banning birth control,” Alina Tin says to you. “These men are trying to control our bodies. They treat us like we’re their own personal baby dispensers — not living, thinking humans. It’s demeaning! My body, my choice!”
  2. “You aren’t going to listen to these pagans,” scoffs Archbishop Earl Cheyney. “Conceiving a child is one of the most enjoyable moments one may ever have in their lives. To deprive yourself of this blessing of God is an abomination! Contraception must be outlawed! It encourages casual sex, and destroys the true meaning of the act. If people are not willing to bear the consequences of their actions, then they should not act at all.”
  3. “Both sides have rocks in their brains,” says proud asexual, Kendra Jammeh. “Why don’t we just ban sex altogether, and force people to use artificial insemination? That way, we can preview everyone who signs up to have kids, and if we don’t like it, tough beans for them. The police may have to work harder to catch those who ‘overlook’ this measure, but if that’s the price we have to pay for ending this inane argument once and for all, it’ll be well worth it.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, employees who skip lunch to avoid sub-par cafeteria food risk getting fired.

2020-05-09 09:00

Gotta Go Fast

When the Holy Month of Golden Bloom rolls around, members of the Tranquility of Yellow observe fasting: neither eating nor drinking anything from dawn till dusk. Yoshi Turner, your Minister of Labor, has reasoned that fasting leads to a loss of productivity and potentially endangers lives.

  1. “I mean, it’s a no-brainer, isn’t it?” asks Yoshi Turner, still chewing the big bite he took of his mouth-watering chocolate lava cake. “These people fast for an entire day, and everyone knows that prolonged hunger and dehydration can cause concentration problems. What if a Yellowite surgeon operated on a patient while fasting and made a mistake? Human lives come before religious duties. Hence, all Tranquil Yellowites should be banned from fasting if they want to keep their jobs.”
  2. “How dare you meddle with my freedom of religion!” gasps Cleveland Clinton, a Yellowite preacher, flourishing a staff topped with an ornamental sunflower at the Labor Minister, while casting a yearning glance at his cake. “I have practised fasting since I was a child, and I can assure you that it doesn’t compos- compres- I mean compromise our cognitive abilities. Also, daytime fasting isn’t actually unhealthy you know - there’s growing evidence that it reduces a number of ailments and could even prevent cancers. It would be both spiritually and physically good if you told all Random Chaosians to join the Fast of the Holy Month of Golden Bloom.”
  3. “Let’s not be hasty; I’m sure there is room for a sweet compromise here,” chimes in Jadzia Jordan, your Minister of Creative Solutions. “I agree that suffering from thirst and hunger for a whole day can cause problems in the workplace. But instead of banning our Yellowite citizens from fulfilling their religious duties, we could give them paid leave during the Holy Month of Golden Bloom, so they could safely fast in the comfort of their homes. To safeguard equality, we can make similar accommodations for all faiths: extra vacations for pilgrimages and regular prayer breaks at work.”
  4. “This whole fasting thing is sacrilege!” exclaims Papa Luigi, a well-known pizzeria owner and a member of the Cult of Pizza, flailing his arms dramatically. “Only infidels would dare to starve themselves in blatant defiance of the Holy Crustiness of Pizza Margherita. We should prohibit all forms of fasting and endorse a force-feeding procedure for those who restrict their food intake for whatever reason. Pizza for Random Chaos! Pizzazz for Random Chaos!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Diplomat" to "Ambassador".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Random Chaos Barrier Island residents anxiously await their 'Bridge to Somewhere'.

2020-05-09 03:00

Over, Under or Through?

After recent economic growth, ferry links with the Random Chaos Barrier Islands are struggling to cope under the increasing volume of commuters and cargo.

  1. “A government’s first duty is to its people,” says Shigeru Murphy, head of the Random Chaos Highways Agency. “The best way to serve the people is to encourage auto traffic by building bridges. With bridges we can not only serve the residential needs, but the commercial too. True, it will take a few years of construction and there’s bound to be some environmental impact, but that’s the price of progress.”
  2. “Some environmental impact?” questions Angus Tavener, your Minister of the Environment. “More bridges means more traffic, which means more pollution. What we need to do is build a rail tunnel. One train can carry more cargo than many trucks and with my electric train design, it’ll be much more eco-friendly. Of course the government will have to subsidize it to keep the prices reasonable, but the benefit to the environment is worth it.”
  3. “More government involvement isn’t what we need,” says Erica Chau, the CEO of Ferry Nice. “We’re in this mess because the government can’t keep up with the times. Let the private sector run these docks, and watch how quickly it turns around. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to raise the limit of how many passengers each boat can take.”
  4. “Halt this at once!” yells Judas Iglesias, a pitchfork-wielding island resident. “What about us? Did you ever once stop to ask if the residents wanted all this commotion? Well we don’t! We like our islands nice and quiet just the way Mother Nature made them.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, astronomers are flocking to Random Chaos to take advantage of its clear night skies.

2020-05-08 21:00

Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me

In an effort to address a budget shortfall, your Minister for Creative Solutions has proposed to cut expenditure by switching off a number of street lights throughout Random Chaos.

  1. Victoria Nixon, your Minister for Creative Solutions explains their position. “Let’s face facts, in the current economic climate we need to be sensible with our chips. Those street lights don’t run on thin air you know - and what with the cost of electricity soaring, what other choice do we have? We’re not talking about a total blackout across Random Chaos, just switching off the lighting along some of those less important roads and well... perhaps the ones that don’t contribute so much to society.”
  2. A woman in yoga pants pauses stretching to remark: “Excuse me, do you see what I’ve got going on here? I can’t be walking this down unlit streets at night. I can barely do it in the daytime. Keeping the lights on at all times will make Random Chaos feel safe and welcoming for everyone, not just the heavily armed.” She adjusts her gym bag, which clanks.
  3. Wild-eyed, eccentric gentleman Paddy Moore begs your attention whilst enthusiastically polishing his monocle. “This is fantastic news, but doesn’t go far enough - let’s get rid of ALL those blasted monstrosities for good! Do you realise how difficult it is to spot the rotation of Alderaan’s second moon through all that ghastly light pollution? Of course there will be a few wimps who are scared of the dark - but that’s what candles were invented for!”
  4. “You’re looking at this entirely the wrong way, dear Leader,” interjects Cho True from Helios I Energy Corp. “If there’s anything Random Chaos needs, it’s more light, not less! It’s been scientifically proven that more light means a happier, healthier population, reduces crime, and there’s no need to worry about the night shift any more - you can work from dawn until, well, forever!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Envoy" to "Diplomat".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, bargain hunters descend on disaster zones for a quick spot of grocery shopping.

2020-05-08 15:00

Flooding the Market

Recent floods devastated low-lying areas, and the affected areas are only just starting to recover. Now, news is emerging that during the disaster many local retailers were found to have significantly elevated prices for basic necessities such as water, blankets, flashlights, and matsutake mushrooms.

  1. “The sheer nerve!” gasps disaster survivor and multimillionaire actor Monica Christensen, who is wearing nothing but an old potato sack to elicit sympathy. “After we’ve lost everything, these predators had the nerve to profit from human suffering? These price gougers didn’t care how much they were hurting people, so the government must care. Fix prices in place for the duration of any disaster, and shut down any store that refuses to comply!”
  2. “Fixing prices in place isn’t enough,” argues charity worker Vladimir Jefferson, pushing aside the disaster victim so he can take center stage. “Retailers can set whatever prices they want throughout the year, but during times of disaster they should be forced to discount basic necessities, for the sake of human kindness. These big companies can easily afford a temporary loss, and this way disaster victims don’t have to choose between bread and batteries.”
  3. “If they don’t like the free market, they shouldn’t be living in Random Chaos!” snaps Mega-Mart CEO Bob Putin, phoning in from his beach condo in sunny Manamana. “Look, our primary moral and legal responsibility is to our shareholders. Our prices are our own business, but hey, if the government is so desperate to give stuff for free to disaster victims, why don’t you just buy stock from us? We’ll even give you a bulk discount for goods near their expiry date, and that way everyone wins.”
  4. “Power to the People! Potatoes for the Proletariat!” chants pro-communalist speaker Gretel Winters, whose father is said to own half of Gambler County. “I ask you, why isn’t the government mass-producing and storing long-life foodstuffs, in order to distribute them for free during times of crisis and national emergency?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it's rumored that Marche Noire knows what the nation's generals eat for breakfast.

2020-05-08 09:00

Ministers Exposing Themselves

It was recently discovered that your Finance Minister owns several properties in Marche Noire and your Defense Minister has stocks in a Maxtopian arms manufacturing company. Concern has been raised that this information was not disclosed before the previous election, and now represents a conflict of interest for both ministers.

  1. “You have to admit, this looks incredibly corrupt,” states your long-suffering Deputy Defense Minister. “How do we know that they’re not creating policies, particularly in the area of foreign affairs, to line the pockets of their cronies? The Maxtopian government is notoriously corrupt, and everyone knows that Marche Noire is riddled with East Lebatuck’s spies. If we want to maintain public trust, we’re going to have to come down hard on these two. For the sake of our government’s reputation, the Ministers must resign!”
  2. “That simply doesn’t go far enough!” adds government watchdog Anne-Marie Quagmire, whose most recent crusade forced the entire government to switch from four ply to one ply toilet paper. “Anyone running for any political office must disclose all of their financial assets to the authorities for rigorous investigation prior to their nomination. That way, potential conflicts of interest can be avoided before a scandal happens. If they have any assets overseas, they must sell them off before accepting the nomination. It’s the best way to keep our government safe and free of corruption.”
  3. “Aren’t you jumping the gun a little there?” replies your Finance Minister, after discreetly blotting out the address of her mansion on an expense report. “Just because I own lots of property overseas doesn’t mean I’m susceptible to blackmail or leaving confidential documents unprotected. This feels more like a punishment for being wealthy, brought on by the jealous critics who wish they were as successful as me. Why should that prevent me from running? Don’t you want the best people for the job?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, flatulent people are left to die of cancer at the end of hospital waiting lists.

2020-05-08 03:00

Free Credit Reports With Monitoring

After Dàguó implemented a “social credit” system, in which the good and bad deeds of citizens affect a score which determines various rewards and punishments from the government, politicians are pondering the plausibility of using such a system that rates your citizens based on their actions.

  1. “I think having a social credits system is great!” gushes one of your political aides, coming into your office looking distressed. “For example, I would give the cab ride that got me here only 3 stars out of 5. When there are clear incentives and negative consequences for people’s actions, everyone will behave and treat one another better. We can have an information collector in every neighbourhood to see who’s been naughty and nice, and give those with high scores rewards like higher priority in hospital queues.”
  2. “This goes beyond opening doors and saying grace!” barks local philosopher Commodus Ramirez, barging into your office and slamming the door shut, breaking the doorknob. “People make mistakes all the time! Don’t tell me you’re gonna start punishing those your system deems bad citizens just because they accidentally dumped their rubbish in the street. I’m not saying I accidentally littered... and the information collectors can be bribed! And we should not let the government encroach on our liberties by punishing people for actions that are not crimes. Just forget this idea right now and don’t punish me for breaking your doorknob, okay?”
  3. “Why implement a system that rates your citizens when you can have the citizens rate the government instead?” whispers a mysterious stranger as retro music begins to play. “That way, the old, drab officials in their drab suits can just be fired by you and replaced with more qualified people with more street cred.”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, relations with Dàguó have warmed from frosty to chilly.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the government has started a campaign to crack down on road rage and encourage alternate means of commuting.

2020-05-08 00:53

Only Leader Could Go to Dàguó

The Holy Emperor of the militaristic and isolationist nation Dàguó has invited you to his palace for a state dinner in an attempt to warm decades of frosty relations.

  1. “IT’S A TRAP!” shouts Admiral Lauren de Calamari, a military attaché who seems borderline paranoid. “Isn’t it obvious? They’re only inviting you over there so they can KILL you! They’ll either poison you or stab you in your sleep. Trust me, you can’t trust these Dàguó animals. They will kill you the moment you let your guard down.”
  2. “I agree that we shouldn’t go over there,” replies Rodrigo Reid, your personal chef, who is always dying to experiment with new cuisine. “However, that doesn’t mean we should ourselves embark on a policy of isolationism. Why not invite this Emperor of theirs over here and treat him to a state dinner? There’s much to discuss like their Tasmanian trade sanctions or the steady stream of refugees from the Maxtopian Civil War.”
  3. “Dàguó’s leaders have historically denounced our great nation for covert operations that, err, officially, we still deny,” mentions Professor Aaron Xavier between introductory college lectures. “Meeting with Dàguó’s Holy Emperor would be a perfect way to begin to mend relations. Accept the invitation, respect their customs regardless of how strange they might seem, and act like a real national leader for once! Go out there and start advocating for world peace, and history will thank you.”
  4. After repeatedly hitting on your secretary, a somewhat suave secret agent introduces himself as, “Bont ... James Bont. Go over to Dàguó on the pretext of a diplomatic mission. Meanwhile, I will pose as a Marche Noirian master chef so I can poison the Emperor’s meal. Once he drops dead, his security is going to suspect foul play, but I’ll be there to extract you back to Random Chaos via rocketcar. There’s a chance my scheme will end up causing a war, but if worst comes to worst, I’ve still got my jetpack and exploding attaché case.”
2020-05-08 00:53

Road Rage Rampage

Due to the ever-increasing traffic on Random Chaosian highways, commuter tempers are flaring, leading to an increase in road rage related accidents. A recent case in which a very impatient driver attacked and seriously injured a slow driver has brought the subject rapidly to the highest levels of the government.

  1. “The problem is that our highway system is sorely in need of an overhaul,” claims social commentator Yui Richards. “Random Chaos’s highways were constructed with a far smaller number of cars in mind, and we’ve exceeded that traffic load by a substantial amount, resulting in traffic jams. Traffic jams lead to impatience, impatience leads to anger, anger leads to road rage, and road rage leads to violence. We need to expand the freeway system by adding more lanes to relieve the traffic congestion.”
  2. “You add new lanes, even MORE people will drive, putting us right back at square one!” counters Danni Yoo of Random Chaos’s public transportation committee. “Instead of throwing tons of money at a short-term solution, why not spend it on improving bus and rail service and encouraging carpooling? Oh, and get more highway patrol officers to crack down on these violent drivers who pose safety threats to the rest of us.”
  3. “*BLEEP!* that *BLEEP!*” Catherine Gratwick yells at the top of her lungs from the window of her very large pickup truck with a gun rack mounted in the rear window. “The government should just *BLEEP!*ing stay out of our daily *BLEEP!*ing drive! They ought to let us *BLEEP!*ing rushed businesspeople go about our daily *BLEEP!*ing business, no matter what *BLEEP!*ing measures we have to take to get to *BLEEP!*ing work on time!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Duckspeaker" to "Envoy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a firework a day does not in fact keep the doctor away.

2020-05-07 09:30

Random Chaos’s New Year’s Resolution: Lose Fewer Limbs

The Random Chaosian New Year has arrived again and citizens across the nation are setting off fireworks that light up the sky in a beautiful and awe-inspiring display. Lighting up Random Chaos’s roads, however, are the sirens of emergency vehicles tending to the injuries and fires caused by the explosive revelries. Your Minister of Safety has twisted your arm to personally investigate the situation, so you’ve reluctantly left your own New Year’s party to venture to the local hospital.

  1. A frazzled ER doctor, Lucy Franklin, begins lecturing you while distractedly stitching a patient. “I can’t take it any more! Every New Year, the number of patients in the burn ward explodes, and need for stitches skyrockets! Fireworks are clearly too dangerous for the untrained public to play with. We need to ban possession and use of fireworks without proper training. To keep the tradition of Random Chaosian New Year alive, the government can sanction shows and hire licensed professionals for the celebration. And hey, if I weren’t suddenly getting so many emergency calls on the New Year, maybe I’d actually have time to watch the show.”
  2. “That’s not going far enough,” interjects a local bird watcher Sayid McDuck, who is standing by the window, binoculars trained on a vulture by the hospital morgue. “It’s not a celebration for the birds whose sky we’re shooting into! Animals don’t understand what’s going on when unnatural flashes and scary noises suddenly start bursting all around them. If they dodge the explosions, noxious smoke is sure to drive birds out of the sky, while remains of spent fireworks littering the streets pose a swallowing hazard for scavengers. Licensing fireworks operators won’t change this. We need to ban all fireworks, and find less inconsiderate ways to entertain ourselves.”
  3. “That’s ridiculous,” retorts Alexei Sparkle - Chief Technical Officer of the Have a Blast fireworks factory, who is visiting the burns ward to hand out free sparklers to the injured. “Thunderstorms happen all the time in nature, and animals survive those. Fireworks are fabulous fun! If some drunken idiots can’t read the clear safety instructions we supply with all our products, then, well, that’s natural selection doing our species a favor. In fact, we should legalize use of fireworks all year round. Then we can celebrate anything, anytime, not just the New Year.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Handshaker" to "Duckspeaker".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, photos of picturesque coastal buildings are set against a backdrop of smokestacks and ship hulls.

2020-05-07 03:30

You Cruise, You Lose?

For years, small towns along the nation’s coast have been popular cruise ship destinations. However, with increasingly frequent visits by overwhelming numbers of passengers, one seaside town is attempting to ban all tourist vessels from stopping there.

  1. “These massive ships have polluted our coastal waters, driven away all the fish and caused sizeable erosion damage with their wakes,” declares Jean-Luc Walker, spokesperson for the town’s commercial fishing consortium. “My colleagues and I used to be able to make a decent living from harvesting the abundant resources of our coastal waters. But ever since these bilge-spewing behemoths started showing up, we’ve had to sail out farther and farther, and still can’t catch more than a few minnows. The only way to ensure our industry’s survival is to allow this ban to go through.”
  2. “Are you insane? Those tourists bring in tons of money,” sputters restaurant owner Nomathemba Cummings, drying a handful of utensils with a rag that looks dirtier than the floor. “I can charge these camera-toting cruisers five chips for a glass of water, and twelve for a sandwich — and they’ll happily pay it! The government should be encouraging tourism with an international advertising campaign.”
  3. “Businesses can’t function without customers, but we need corporate responsibility from the cruise line operators. What if we just apply fines every time they violate our town’s natural beauty?” suggests local police officer Wei Kowalski, opening a new bag of plastic hand restraints labeled ‘now 20% more circulation-restricting!’ “Chemical pollution, constant noise, tourists urinating in the fountains — all of these abhorrent side effects can be curbed by giving local governments the power to issue punitive fines. Of course, you should also hold CEOs more directly accountable...” He twirls a pair of handcuffs with a grin on his face.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, exports of chewing gum are inexplicably falling.

2020-05-06 21:30

The Immortal Cells of Mrs. Gratwick

Two generations ago, scientists took a biopsy of a tumor from a cancer patient named Elizabeth Gratwick, who died soon after. Without her knowledge or consent, these cells were preserved in the laboratory and proved to be exceptionally stable in replication. As stable cancer cell lines are highly useful for medical research, “ElGr cells” have been sent to and used by scientists all over the world. However, objections are now being raised by Elizabeth’s descendants.

  1. “We thought my poor grandmother’s remains had been buried in accordance with her wishes,” growls Elizabeth’s direct descendant, Catherine Gratwick. “Can’t you let her rest in peace? This is her body that you’re messing with. You can’t just irradiate and poison her; you must ask me first! How would you like it if your family’s remains were exhumed and mutilated? You must never use cells from deceased people without the explicit pre-mortem consent of the patient or their relatives. As for granny - I insist that all remaining samples of her be buried, and that you financially compensate her family for the pain and grief you have caused!”
  2. “No! ElGr cells are a scientific miracle!” cries biologist Marleen Bourdain, jiggling a beaker full of purplish goop as she waves her arms in exasperation. “These cells have been a breakthrough; not only in testing cures for cancer, but also in understanding how cancer develops and functions! All these years later, these cells keep chugging along, outliving all the others! Who knows, with these cells, we might even one day unlock a path to immortality! Are you going to let bureaucracy get in the way of SCIENCE?”
  3. “This stuff is funny!” giggles your niece, squishing her fingers in the goop. “It’s all warm, gluey, and bouncy! Someone should be turning out this stuff for kids to play with, or as sticky putty to stick posters to walls, or whatever. You’ve got, like, an infinite supply of it, so that’s good economics, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the police insist that racism does not exist.

2020-05-06 15:30

Bigtopian Lives Matter

An unarmed 18-year-old Bigtopian boy, Woody Tavener, was recently shot by Officer Matthias Kenny as he was walking home, despite video footage showing him with his hands up. The police shooting has aggravated racial tensions in Random Chaos, and now civil rights protests have quickly spread from the suburbs, potentially engulfing the entire nation. You have been brought in to maintain calm and hopefully resolve the crisis.

  1. “Hands up; don’t shoot!” yells leading activist Bruce Chatwin through a deafening megaphone. “We demand Officer Kenny’s conviction and an end to cops killing unarmed Bigtopians! I’m sick and tired of racist police who assume all Bigtopians look and act the same. Cops should have to live in the neighborhoods they patrol, and the local communities need direct control over their precincts. That way we can fire any officer itching to do in Bigtopians.”
  2. “All this talk about race is divisive,” says Officer Kenny’s attorney. “Try to put yourself in a policeman’s shoes for a minute. Cops need to make quick decisions in hostile situations, and that means they have to use the professional instincts they learn while on patrol. The Bigtopian boy fit the description of someone for whom there was an arrest warrant, and he was wielding a baguette - which on a dark night can easily be mistaken for a shotgun - in a threatening manner. This tragic mistake was an isolated incident, and Officer Kenny shouldn’t be held responsible for a single error on the line of duty.”
  3. “The boy in question was a serial jaywalker, proving he was a hardened criminal,” Chief of Police Hermione Hyde states candidly. “So we can assume that the most notorious jaywalker in all of Random Chaos was up to no good. And those annoying protesters are just delaying traffic. I’ll get the fire department to disperse them pronto. TURN ON THE FIRE HOSES!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the disabled are forced to undergo an MRI scan every time they pick up their benefit payments.

2020-05-06 09:30

Unfit for Purpose

The Department of Welfare has been criticized for the way it assesses potential claimants of disability benefits. The department sends out agents from private companies to force claimants to perform what critics call “cruel and humiliating” assessments in order to prove they need the benefit.

  1. “This is disgusting and inhumane,” furiously shouts wheelchair-bound claimant Commodus Stuckmann. “That person who came to assess me wasn’t even a licensed medical professional in my area of care. She was a former optician! Does it look like my eyes aren’t working? She made me roll up and down my hallway until my arms got tired, then told me I didn’t need the benefit because I could roll along the floor on my own without difficulty! End this now. A note from your doctor or other relevant professional should be enough evidence to claim disability benefit. It’s not as if they’d lie.”
  2. “The system works just fine,” claims your grey-suited and stoic Welfare Minister. “We have to carefully screen every claim, otherwise every scammer and skiver would try to con the government out of money for every cut and scrape they have. Make the assessments more stringent, and properly fund my department. That way, it’ll deter the con artists and only the truly disabled will receive assistance.”
  3. “I think a lack of empathy is the problem,” suggests a random passer-by who happened to overhear the meeting. “I’m not against the principle of assessing clinical needs, but we need to make it fairer on claimants. I heard one story of one of those agents asking a suicidal person how they would kill themselves if they were to do it. We should ensure that all assessors have the same disability as the claimant, which will ensure they are treated humanely and fairly, as well as making sure that the assessor has a good understanding of what the condition entails.”
  4. “This is all just a waste of time and money!” exclaims self-styled Social Darwinist and anti-government crusader Jenna Calder. “Think of the suffering taxpayers! Where are our benefits, hmm? We’re the real victims here, not these lazy slackers on disability! Abolish their welfare payments and let natural selection work things out.”

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 1% of the world for Most Primitive and the Top 10% for Most Ignorant Citizens.

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Truckler" to "Handshaker".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, traveller camps regularly block five-lane superhighways.

2020-05-06 03:30

Not All Those Who Wander Are Paying

After a much-publicised incident involving a farmer’s attempts to drive a family of travellers off private property, there has been a call for you to review the laws governing nomadic communities and their mobile homes.

  1. “These turnpike travellers just rolled onto my field in those caravans of theirs and camped out,” says Tobias Lewis, the enraged farmer. “And when I tries to run ‘em over with my tractor, it’s me who gets stuck in the cells overnight! I’ve tried getting the government to evict them but they take too long over it. How would these people have reacted if I’d set up a tent in their back garden? There should be a law so I can get rid of them any way I choose. Vagrants should not be allowed to go wherever they like. It’s just not fair to landowners.”
  2. “All we wanted was a place to stay the night,” says Bharatendu Schwarzenegger, a traveller and parent of fourteen children. “Or maybe for a week or so. Or a month. Perhaps through winter; it’s pretty mild around here, I don’t know. But is that such a crime? We weren’t stealing anything, or harming anyone. All we ask is to be allowed to continue our travels without harassment.”
  3. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” says Georgina Baldwin, one of your advisors who happens to own an extensive greenfield site. “We can’t just let people go living wherever they like just because they’ve been doing it for hundreds of years. It’s very untidy! What I suggest is that we dip into the coffers and buy plots of land, all over the country, and turn them into nice safe areas where these folks can stay for as long as they want before they decide to move on. See? Problem solved.”
  4. “I have the best solution,” says Lars Glover, in response to a street survey. “These itinerants should be arrested, their caravans sold for scrap, and, and... told not to do it again! I think we’ve all had enough with the government pussy-footing their way around these criminals! The way they just swan in and disrupt communities any way they please! And think of what their presence would do to the value of my property! People ought to live in bricks and mortar, not tins on wheels!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, dining out often involves gamblers on the plate no matter what you order.

2020-05-06 00:00

Turning a Blind Eye?

When a blind man and his guide gambler were recently refused service in Random Chaos City restaurant ‘The Haute Potato’, it started a heated debate that few had seen coming.

  1. “This is a real eye-opener!” exclaims Mathias Murdock, head of the Random Chaosian Blind Trust, speaking to a large group of cane-wielding protesters. “This discrimination against the blind and partially-sighted has gone on for too long. Not only should we be allowed to take our companions and guardians wherever we go, now is the time to realize our vision of a society completely accessible for the visually impaired!”
  2. “Gamblers must be kept out of restaurants; why can’t these people see that?” queries Minerva Janssen, a young chef from ‘The Haute Potato’, reeking of paprika. “It’s not that I don’t understand, really, I do, but it’s a health issue, you know. Imagine that thing entering the kitchen; you’d get their fur or scales or whathaveyou all over the buffet,” she asserts confidently while her sweat trickles down into tonight’s baba ganoush. “He should just tie his gambler outside along with any other mutt. They still have their canes, don’t they?”
  3. Your gambler-walker, Leia Price, who has 20/20 vision, rambles at you whilst untangling several leads. “Why are we only thinking of the blind here? I can’t see why the blind should be able to take their gamblers into restaurants, while my poor babies still have to be tied out in the rain. You’ll let me take my gamblers into restaurants as well, right?”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, books are considered luxuries only available to the incredibly wealthy.

2020-05-05 20:00

We Need Cash, Sharpish, Say Librarians

Ailing libraries have appealed to the government for a much-needed injection of funds.

  1. “Our libraries are in a dreadful state,” says distressed librarian, Paris Krustofsky. “This year we had to cancel our subscription to ‘Playboy’ and over half of our shelves are stacked with pamphlets from the Pizzeria across the road. We need more books and better standards. If there were more perks in this job then maybe we’d get some decent employees! If it needs a whole lot of government funds to pay for it all then so be it!”
  2. “Now hold it right there!” says manager of the local MEGA-BOOKS store, Woody Rose. “I employ twenty-four people and we are dependent upon people paying us money to buy books, magazines and newspapers from my store. How can you even think about giving our tax chips to these people so they can put us out of business? Of course poor people won’t be able to afford our wares but they’d only use them for fires or somethin’. Let our libraries die.”
  3. “I’m all for giving our libraries more money,” says Education Minister, Chip Abbott. “But we certainly shouldn’t just let them spend it however they please. We need an elected board to oversee all purchases and acquisitions made by our library system, promoting educational literature and keeping out smut. That way we can keep nudity out of the hands of children. We can make sure none of those political satires and newspapers that insult our government affect the weak-minded amongst us too. Then our libraries will be something to be proud of.”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Vassal" to "Truckler".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, the loom represents the height of Random Chaos's technology.

2020-05-05 16:00

Robots Leaving Workers Jobless

Amidst a growing level of unemployment, thousands of workers have been fired and then replaced by automatic systems. They have petitioned you to intervene.

  1. “It’s just sickening! Do you know how long it took most of us to get a decent, ‘stable’ job?” shouts Marjorie Hunt, president of the Random Chaos Labour Alliance, before dramatically sweeping your personal belongings off your desk. “And now we’re losing our livelihoods to robots so that while our families starve, the corporations get even richer! Don’t let the capitalist pigs blind you! This practice must be banned!”
  2. “Hey, I’ve got a job to keep up too, you know,” says Sipho Plath, a factory manager. “If I don’t think of new ways of keeping costs down, the investors will go elsewhere. It’s my neck on the line as much as anyone else’s, even if I do have much more money. Besides, it’s business, and no-one ought to be able to say who - or what - I can hire.”
  3. “This could be resolved if instead of replacing workers with machines, we added machines to workers!” enthuses Arnold Weber, CEO of Mondas Ltd. “By replacement of body parts with stronger, better, metal prostheses, we can make the best industrial workers - literally - in the world! Imagine a shelver who can shift whole crates with just one arm! One finger! So let’s hear no more of this deplorable ‘replacing workers with machines’ idea and look to the future!”
  4. “You can’t allow that!” gasps Eve de Vries, a manual labourer. “If that happens, only the people with cyber limbs will get jobs! And the corporations will contract you into having the surgery if you want to have one! No thank you! We should ban computers, and go back to the grass roots of industry when all the machines weren’t taking over, and workers were the salt of the earth! Then maybe we’d see a bit more appreciation! And cash!”

Following new legislation in random_chaos, those found guilty of illicit affairs are jailed.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy" to "Moralistic Democracy".

random_chaos was reclassified from "Capitalist Paradise" to "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, many in Random Chaos are born in the purple.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, armed war-criminals gain asylum if deemed 'fabulous' enough.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young soldiers are shocked to discover there are no 'safe spaces' on a battlefield.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pharmaceutical companies emphatically promise that "your pills are in the mail" rather than admit any supply shortfall.

2020-05-05 13:00

Rivers of Blood

Dye effluent from a textile factory has turned the waters of a neighboring river a vivid red, angering nearby residents. The incident has placed the practices of the dye industry and the use of synthetic dyes squarely in the limelight.

  1. “We can’t let this stain our nation any further lest we die!” growls local resident Lance Magellan, using colorful language to emphasize his point. “Toxic and carcinogenic chemicals are being dumped into our water supply. Ban synthetic dyes and follow the example of us townsfolk: use only natural dyes, as most of them are non-toxic and safer to produce and handle than artificial colorants. All we need is plenty of cleared, arable land for dye production. That, and over three million snails — something to keep the kids occupied, you know.”
  2. “Sure, natural dyes might sound great, but you’re taking this a shade too far,” cautions Rory Sims, a dye industry spokesperson. “Think of the environment! We would have to decimate our woodlands and wildlife to fit in dye plantations. Even then, our economy and our clothes would be feeling blue if disaster struck the dye crop. However, I do empathize with those affected by whatever happened. A little ‘financial incentive’ will help us research and develop safer synthetic dyes.”
  3. “Lavender lagoons? Scarlet streams? Count me in!” chimes tourism and novelty museum tycoon Agatha Berenstein. “Finding chemicals in the water is anything but a problem; in fact, it’s a prime opportunity! We should add a bit of color to our lackluster lakes; the oddly-pigmented oddities would become tourist magnets! Our nation will be known far and wide for its colorful waterways, flowing proudly in our national hues. This, right here, is what will attract more money than anything Random Chaos has seen in ages. Let’s dye ourselves into the next golden age!”
2020-05-05 13:00

Is Random Chaos Too Promiscuous?

The highly moral and religious pressure group ‘Cuckolds And Cuckqueans Anonymous’ has lobbied for the criminalisation of adultery.

  1. “Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage?” asks Ami Turner while wearing a T-shirt bearing the slogan ‘Marriage is for life, not just for anniversaries’. “Whatever happened to lifelong companionship? Whatever happened to simple faithfulness because of love?! Adultery seems to be more of a hobby than anything these days! The government must impose the utmost punishments on those who commit this sin. A good old-fashioned stoning should sort it!”
  2. “I don’t agree with adultery either,” says Django Clean, a passer-by. “But, uh... stoning? You don’t think that’s a little extreme? If we find someone guilty of fornication we can just lock them up in jail. That way no-one gets killed and the sinners get justice. It’s more expensive to the tax payers than a stoning of course, but I reckon it’s worth it.”
  3. “With the greatest of respect, this is none of your business!” yells Dennis Jordan who is rumoured to have had more than a thousand lovers and even more children. “The government has no right to go about trying to dictate the laws of love and romance! Marriages break down, people move on - is it really the government’s place to make people stay put? You must recognise the fact that the law has no place within the bedroom!”
2020-05-05 13:00

Gay Abandoned

Today, reports reached Random Chaos that Montgomery Ward, a refugee that previously applied for asylum on the basis that his sexuality is a capital crime in his home country — only to be sent home when his application was rejected — has subsequently been executed by his own government.

  1. “This is an absolute disgrace!” splutters LGBT activist Sun Dahl, draping a giant rainbow version of the national flag around your shoulders. “That poor man lost his life because this cruel government refused him sanctuary! What kind of nation will not give people refuge from cruel and despotic regimes? Allow automatic asylum on the basis of persecution for sexual orientation!”
  2. “How was I meant to know he was telling the truth?” exclaims the immigration official who refused the man’s entry, distractedly adjusting the green carnation in his lapel. “He could have been lying just so he could get into the country to take advantage of our generosity! How about we ask supposedly gay migrants to prove their sexuality? We could ask them questions that only a gay person would know, and only let people who pass into the country.”
  3. “You know, this raises the broader issue of immigration,” announces your Finance Minister, dispensing financial projections with a little flourish. “We have an ageing population, so why worry about whether ‘x’ is cause for asylum but ‘y’ isn’t? All suffering is equal, especially that of the public coffers. How about we loosen the immigration rules, rubber-stamping asylum applications from all people who arrive able and willing to live and work here?”
  4. “That this man died is unfortunate, of course,” drawls the famously understated author of Do Stop Being Silly, an analysis of brutal tyrants throughout the ages. “But we have a moral duty to care for our citizens, not every citizen of every country — no matter how unpleasant those countries may be. In fact, we ought to tighten the rules, so that only people with truly valuable skills can immigrate here.”
  5. “Why are we letting filthy gay people in in the first place?” asks the furious far-right author of anti-LGBT treatise Dressed to Repress Beverly Kringle, who is hiding from your other visitors inside a closet. “We all know these people are disordered and disposed to vice. His country has the right idea: protecting their people. If nations want to punish their citizens in accordance with their law, we should send them back immediately. Then we can clean up our act at home, with mandatory conversion therapy for all people with same-sex attraction. It is a kindness: no-one can be happy being who they are when they’re different to other people. Mother was right — you just can’t.”
2020-05-05 13:00

Much Ado About Everything

An unlikely alliance of risque comedians and baby boomers has barged into your office, annoyed about how easily young people get offended these days.

  1. “What these immature juveniles need is good ol’ discipline!” says retired army Major Savage, known by her neighbors as ‘The Major’. “Back in the day we didn’t have the time to be offended by everything and anything; we were too busy fighting for the Free Land. Conscript these fruitcakes; the military will set them straight.”
  2. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” asks famous comedian Hamlet Bach, as he reveals a punchline to your staff that elicits more shocks than laughs. “Look, I’m just trying to make a living here. Do you know how difficult it is when these kids are posting how insensitive my jokes are all over social media? Artists like myself should not have their careers destroyed just because some college students can’t appreciate a good joke when they hear one. We should ban the internet and save ourselves from the comments section!”
  3. “STOP MICRO-AGGRESSIONS!” yells Marina Gillard, not looking at you as she types intently on her cell phone. “Young people like myself understand how language is only a social construct to keep the oppressed subjugated, but the old ones don’t. It is high time people like these two fossils stop benefiting from the misery of this nation’s downtrodden. Sensitivity training should be mandatory for all people over 40.”
  4. “It doesn’t have to be either way,” says your Secretary of Solutions, Silvio Miller, as he takes away the phone from the teen, puts duct tape over the mouth of the comedian, and formally discharges the major. “What we need is a government-approved words and phrases list. That way kids won’t be offended and comics can still make their jokes. It’s a win-win! Well, except for freedom of speech, but that’s not the issue here, is it?”
2020-05-05 13:00

O Medication, Where Art Thou?

Healthcare professionals around the country are in an uproar due to a five-month shortage of the popular broad-spectrum antibiotic dankomycin, despite claims by the drug manufacturer that production levels are currently adequate for market demand.

  1. “Leader, this is simply unacceptable,” rages Random Chaos City General Hospital Chief of Staff Jules C. McGill, twirling his stethoscope like a pair of nunchakus. “These companies own the patents for dankomycin and other drugs that are currently facing shortage. This means no other companies can produce these drugs, and our patients continue to suffer. Drug patents should be cancelled when supplies are short so that others can take up the production shortfall, and so we can treat our patients properly.”
  2. “Now wait just a minute!” exclaims Mizer CEO Lilly Baxter as she struggles against McGill. “By releasing the patent we will never be able to recoup our R&D costs and create new medications! If anything, you need to take a good hard look at retraining those crackpot doctors who keep giving antibiotics to everyone with the sniffles! If they weren’t so liberal with their prescribing then we wouldn’t need so many new antibiotics in the first place!”
  3. “You know, all this talk of copyrights and the cost of researching drugs has me thinking about the overall process,” states your Secretary of Health Kefauver Harris. “What if we just got rid of the regulations that lead to expensive medications? If drug companies aren’t spending so much money on testing and research and development then surely that will decrease the cost of drugs at the consumers’ end!”
  4. “Surely you can’t be serious about gutting consumer protections!” exclaims Minister of Regulations Linnae Zolid. “Those regulations are in place for a purpose: to protect the public! Even so, changing regulations will do nothing to ease the shortage of the vaunted dankomycin anyways. The only option forward is plainly obvious. Force the drug companies who own the patents to manufacture enough medication until this and any future shortages are relieved.”
  5. Suddenly, without warning, your least favorite aunt from your mother’s side bursts into your office. “Junior, don’t you know that the drugs our people are taking are filled with dirty chemicals such as magnesium stearate and sodium lauryl sulfate? Instead of drugs, you should provide people with organic herbs such as the ones my health guru sold me!” Before you can reply, she shoves a handful of repulsive ‘herbs’ into your mouth, which you realize are nothing more than common garden flowers.

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 5% of the world for Largest Gambling Industry.

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Apprentice" to "Vassal".

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Squire" to "Apprentice".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, it is illegal to make racist remarks in public.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, TV shows must meet strict ethnicity quotas.

random_chaos was reclassified from "Inoffensive Centrist Democracy" to "Capitalist Paradise".

Following new legislation in random_chaos, young children are regularly seen wagering pocket money at blackjack tables.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, research into 'designer babies' is banned.

2020-05-04 13:00

Nazi Sympathizers Plan Rally

Far-right-wing Nazi supporters plan to stage a rally in the city center tomorrow, giving voice to their violent, racist views.

  1. “Frankly, I’m appalled that the government can even consider allowing this travesty to go ahead,” says prominent Jewish personality Castiel Hudson. “We can’t let these animals broadcast their message of hate. Surely Random Chaos is too civilized for that.”
  2. “It’s exactly because we’re civilized that we must let the demonstration proceed,” says free speech campaigner Imogen Peters. “We may not like what they have to say, but in this society, people have the right to argue whatever political view they want, no matter how hateful, selfish, or stupid it is.”
2020-05-04 13:00

Minorities Demand Representation in TV Soaps

Random Chaos’s TV soaps—famous around the region—have come under fire for their lack of ethnic diversity.

  1. “Every night my family and I sit down to watch ‘The Brash and the Backstabbing’,” says Virginia Glenn. “But where are the Lilliputians like myself? Where are the Bigtopians? The Marche Noirians? People from those cultures can be just as brash and backstabbing, but we never see them on the screen. The government must act to remove this silent apartheid from our TV screens.”
  2. “Those Lilliputians don’t know how good they have it,” says Chun-Li Modi, spokesperson for the Tasmanians Against Ethnic Stereotyping. “Tasmanians are on television all the time, but always in crude, stereotypical roles. The answer is not to enforce ethnic quotas, but to award government prizes for the positive portrayal of minorities. That’ll work better, and be cheaper, too.”
  3. “The government should do what now?” says TV studio executive Hercules Summers. “You’ve got to be kidding. We make soaps here, not documentaries. I should be able to put whichever characters I want into my shows. Quotas! Government prizes! God save me! Hasn’t the government got anything better to do? Why don’t they just back off and let society work out these things on its own?”
2020-05-04 13:00

Child Casino Shock

Children as young as eight have been spotted gambling in some of Random Chaos’s seedier casinos.

  1. Social activist Sonequa Kwan is outraged. “Gambling needs to be outlawed immediately. It’s no wonder children are becoming sucked into the vice, with adults setting such a poor example. Gambling is a stain on Random Chaos’s international reputation and it must be stopped!”
  2. However, Crown Casino chairperson Ayla Rubin says, “What’s wrong with children gambling? It prepares them for the realities of life, teaching them that success or failure is not due to hard work or intelligence, but the roll of the dice. Besides, if kids weren’t gambling, they’d be spray painting trains.”
2020-05-04 13:00

Buy a Better Baby?

A top fertility clinic has recently announced a new service allowing parents to create so-called ‘designer babies’.

  1. “Embryo selection isn’t really genetic engineering in the technical sense,” explains Dr. Athena Grieg, owner of the Babies-2-Go Clinic. “It’s more like being able to have a dozen abortions per month until you get the foetus you desire. I can’t really see what’s wrong with parents who can afford it being able to eliminate foetuses with undesirable genetic traits - like stupidity.”
  2. “Thou shalt pay for thy sins!” screams Engelbert Murdoch, waving a crucifix. “This is just meddling with the sanctity of life. If these children are to be born with horrible defects then it’s God’s will and who are we to question it? This technology must be banned at once!”
  3. “This technology shows promise,” muses Kristen Tate, Minister of Health. “But we can’t trust the private sector with the future of our nation’s children. We must place it under strict government regulation, so that we only screen out embryos with serious genetic conditions.”
  4. “This has got me thinkin’,” says General Reginald Chapman, thumbing through a big folder marked ‘X’. “If this technology lets us reduce genetic defects, then couldn’t it work the other way? We could create ourselves an army of genetically superior soldiers! With our army of Super Soldiers, no nation would dare stand in our way!”

random_chaos's influence in the_hatrackia rose from "Zero" to "Squire".

random_chaos was ranked in the Top 10% of the world for Most Rebellious Youth, Largest Gambling Industry, and Largest Cheese Export Sector.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, voting is voluntary.

2020-05-03 22:15

Should Democracy Be Compulsory?

In response to a slow news week, certain highbrow newspapers have stirred up the debate over voluntary vs compulsory voting.

  1. “Compulsory voting makes about as much sense as having the death penalty for attempted suicide,” says civil rights activist Lucas Calder. “You can’t force people to be free! You can only give them the choice. Besides, if all those derelicts who can’t be bothered to get off their butts once every few years voted, who would they elect? I shudder to think.”
  2. “It’s not contradictory at all,” argues political commentator Samus Hicks. “The fact is, if not everyone votes, the outcome isn’t truly representative. Some groups—like elderly gun nuts—vote more often than others. That’s why we always end up with such terrible politicians.”
  3. “This raises an interesting issue,” says Al, your brother. “And that is: why do we need elections, anyway? Seems to me it would be much simpler if you just decided what was right, and did it. Wouldn’t that save everyone a lot of time?”

random_chaos relocated from the_pacific to the_hatrackia.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a well-funded social safety net protects the unfortunate.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, pollution is on the rise along with government approvals of fracking projects.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, Harry Potter books are banned.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, business meetings across the country are interrupted by the sound of squeaking whoopee-cushions.

Following new legislation in random_chaos, a chain of pubs that cater solely to children has recently been unveiled.

2020-05-03 21:20

Underage Drinkers: Social Menace or Misunderstood?

With the advent of alcopops and other cheap liquors marketed at younger drinkers there has been public outcry at the sharp increase in underage drinking.

  1. “I never wanted my poor babies to grow up to be alcoholics!” wails Dick Taffs, a parent of three, striding into your office. “And now I’m worried they’ll drink themselves into being no-good slobs before they’ve even grown up! The only way to stop this madness is to really crack down on under-age drinking. Stricter identification laws and severe punishments should do the trick! The present laws are much too soft!”
  2. “What is it with parents making society discipline their children because they don’t want to?” asks Kathleen Cartman, a schoolteacher. “These wishy-washy parents are to blame for their kids’ misdemeanours! It is the parents who should be held responsible and be fined- no, even better, arrested and jailed!”
  3. “Keep your hands off my Spinning Mermaid, Mac,” says ten-year-old Orson Howell, an all-round unruly youth while downing some sort of shocking pink beverage. “Why shouldn’t us kids be allowed to drink? We’re reshponshible enou- HIC- enough. Don’t oppress us like this, we’re jusht havin’ some fun.”
  4. “To be honest, this doesn’t surprise me,” says Vanna Peters, a cultural attaché from East Lebatuck. “Back in my country it is customary for children to have a glass of wine with their main meal of the day. If you make alcohol an everyday mundanity then they’re not going to go overboard with it later. Educate them in culture and sophistication so that they truly appreciate their senses instead of trashing them on low-grade hooch.”
  5. “I agree that we should educate them about alcohol rather than simply hope punishments will get through to them,” says Dr Cassandra Wayne, an expert on alcoholism. “But teaching those hoodlums culture? It just won’t work. If we’re going to get them to drink less then we must impress on them the DANGERS of alcohol, not the benefits! We’ll scare them into drinking sensibly!”
  6. “This wouldn’t be a problem at all if alcohol was banned altogether,” says Gregory de Castro, enjoying a fine ginger beer. “It’s not just kids who break the law when under the influence you know.”
2020-05-03 21:20

Time to Get Serious

It’s a slow news day, and so a recent study by the Scientific Centre of Analytical Metadata is getting considerable attention. After a decade of expensive travel to exotic climes, researchers have concluded that nations where people laugh more have a lower GDP. Your advisers have gathered to find out what you want to do.

  1. “That’s just a funny coincidence!” yells joke shop owner Barbara Scully as she waves a rubber-chicken at you, her cheeks puffed out in anger. “Laughter is a tonic! Laughter is the best medicine! If you take away laughter, you destroy the beating heart of Random Chaos! Dismiss this crackpot theory and keep the joy that makes Random Chaos so great... by subsidising the humour-retail industry!”
  2. “At last! The link is proven!” notes clothes factory owner Orson Barker as he spies on his staff through CCTV. “I last smiled seventy-two years ago and it is an accident I have striven not to repeat! Every day, the girls who should be working my machines are just laughing. I keep telling them to keep their heads down, but they keep on giggling and smiling and... oh, they’re so disobedient! Someone needs to punish them. Give employers the right to dock wages and force extra hours for excessive joviality. That’ll show those minxes!”
  3. “Why so glum when there’s shopping to be done?” sings devoted consumer Melissa Golightly, sporting a lovely green velvet jacket. “Just cut sales taxes on luxury goods so everybody can shop their way out of misery! Your government is wasting money funding thinktanks and research groups of dubious value. You should cut the funding of SCAM and other analysts, and give me back my own chips. The resulting spending spree will put a smile on my face AND boost the economy!”
  4. “This crass commercialism saddens my heart,” observes dour faith leader Wesley Morgan, shaking his head sadly. “What about the soul? Laughter is evil spirits, shaking our bodies. Each guffaw is the spirit of the divine, leaking out of the body. It is Written! For the sake of the collective salvation of Random Chaos, laughter must be banned!”
  5. “How can you listen to these people?” asks depressed laughter therapist Lara Swift, dabbing away a tear. “Random Chaos needs joy, now more than ever. We need to bring the art of humour and inner happiness into everybody’s lives through intensive programmes in every school and workplace in the country. Happiness doesn’t just happen: it needs to be taught!”
2020-05-03 21:20

Harry Potter Censorship Row

The latest “Harry Potter” book to hit schools across Random Chaos has stirred up the greatest controversy yet.

  1. “I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding,” says religious leader Grace Rose. “Now that’s just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it.”
  2. Teachers union President Llywelyn Abbott says, “Come on, the book is fantasy! And it’s a damn good read. I’d like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from religious wackos, like Christians.”
2020-05-03 21:20

A Big Fracking Problem

Natural gas extraction has been thrust into the political spotlight after the energy industry proposed utilizing hydraulic fracturing to boost the production of shale gas. After weeks of protests, a crowd of lobbyists and environmental protesters have barged into your office and demand that you finally make a decision.

  1. “Any opposition to hydraulic fracturing has been born out of ignorance,” claims Shale The Love lobbyist Milhouse Meyer after tossing some impressive looking pie charts on your desk. “If we further hydraulic fracturing, we can finally be independent of foreign natural gas. Do you really want to continue paying dictatorships like Maxtopia for their expensive oil? Just think of the advantage producing our own natural gas will give us. Look at the charts that clearly show how many jobs this will create in rural areas. We should be encouraging fracking operations and cracking down on these environmental terrorists who would be happy to send us back to the Stone Age.”
  2. “I don’t think you understand the magnitude of these environmental issues,” says Stefanie Strange, the organizer of the anti-fracking protest movement No Fracking Way. “Fracking can pollute the air and contaminate groundwater with toxic chemicals, which will end up in millions of people’s drinking water. Weren’t you guys paying attention when fracking operations caused all those earthquakes in Blackacre? Never mind that they’re on a fault line! We must put an end to fracking and start investing into green energy sources like wind, solar, and tidal power. We’ll never run out of those clean energy sources, but we will run out of clean air to breathe.”
  3. “There’s always room for compromise,” chimes in Barbie Caesar, one of your top aides famous for diffusing tension in your office. “We obviously can’t ignore the benefits of fracking, but we can’t turn a blind eye to the impact it would have on the environment either. Why not allow fracking, but only in areas of Random Chaos where there are no major populated areas? I hear that the land in the Northern Gambler Mountain Range is just ripe for hydraulic fracturing. There is a gambler preservation area nearby, but it’s not like they’re going to be protesting.”
2020-05-03 21:20

Budget Time: Accountants Excited

It’s time for the government to allocate spending for the coming year, and as always, special interest groups are keen to have their say.

  1. “The state of the education system is, in many areas, simply frightful,” says Teachers Union leader Nelson Krugman. “And even where we are doing well, we could do better. I appeal to the authorities for a substantial boost in funding. Remember, the children are our future.”
  2. “We won’t have a future unless we improve police numbers and rebuild the military,” says General Tanya Rose. “Oh, it’s all well and good to have your fancy education and your nice cars, until some tinpot dictatorship decides to invade. And don’t pretend like there aren’t any of them in our region. Our number one priority has to be security.”
  3. “Education is nice, but Health and Social Welfare are more important,” says celebrity social worker Brenda Abbott. “This is where the people who really need government help are: the marginalized of our society. If we don’t help them, what kind of a nation are we?”
  4. “Hey, I’ve got a crazy idea,” says noted libertarian and bird-watcher Gene Fowler. “How about the government stops taking so much tax from people? Give us a tax cut and we’ll buy the things we need ourselves. People need to be weaned off the government teat!”

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